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Nordstrom is having some awesome pop-up sales right now — I kind of can't decide what I want to get. There are a lot of unusual food items, drink mixes (for cocktails as well as seltzer add-ins), and even a lot of fun, unusual personal products.
Today I'm drawn the most to this “insomnia ending anti-stress bath treatment” from Flewd — for $10 it seems like a perfect stocking stuffer or gift for the stressed-out person in your life. They promise to combat insomnia with de-stressing magnesium and sleep-regulating vitamins. Nice.
P.S.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Home office setup question: We just moved to a new place and plan to use the second bedroom as an office. My husband is currently there; I’ve been using the dining room and table for now because I don’t have a desk after our move. Could we both work in the office or is it better to be in separate rooms? Anyone have experience on how easy or hard it is to do, with or without noise canceling headphones / mics?
We’ve been getting conflicting answers on this question from colleagues and friends. I would love to avoid having a desk in the dining room but if we’re on a lot of calls at the same time, maybe it’s not a good idea to work in the same space. (We could maybe squeeze a desk in the living room, but it’s not ideal.) I’ve worked on an open floor plan before and, while distracting, it was doable.
anonshmanon
We have this case and I am working on the dining room. Noise cancelling headphones are good for constant background noise but not for someone talking. We tried sharing an office for three months or so, and give each other a heads up about video calls, but it was pretty frustrating. My husband’s headphones would also lose their charge halfway through the call and he’d be all like “that’s not my fault” and have his loud meeting right there. Or there would be a large meeting that one of us would join, expecting to just listen in but then be asked to speak at length and disturbing the other person in the room.
I’m realizing that I’ve gotten really used to a private office by now, it’ll be interesting to go back to work…
Anonymous
I’d vote for separate office. Better focus for you and the people you’re on calls with. It’s really distracting seeing someone else in frame even if they aren’t talking (obvi everyone is just trying to manage right now, but I’d avoid if there were a choice). Can you make the dining room table set-up more ergonomic with a better chair? Would a small table or desk in the master bedroom or your family room work if the dining room doesn’t have the space?
Anon
My BF and I both work from our living room. He loves being close to me and we engage in a lot of idle chatter, like you would if you had an officemate. But as much as I love him, I hate it. When he has a longer call, he goes into the bedroom. When I have an hour or two alone, I’m much more productive and happier. I would vote for working in different rooms, he would vote for the same room. Also, if your WFH situations are temporary, then your set up can be temporary as well.
Anon
You should gently bring this up. It drives my husband nuts that I talk to him when we are working in the same room. He works in another room and it doesn’t hurt my feelings.
LaurenB
I don’t think anyone other than the two of you could answer this. I could not work in the same space with my husband, end of subject. I can’t think if he’s making noise, and I certainly couldn’t hold phone conversations. For me – if I didn’t have a separate space, I’d rather use a bedroom and sit on my bed rather than share an office with him or share the dining room table with him. But that’s me! Other people are different. I don’t think this is a question anyone else can answer for you.
Anonymous
separate rooms if either of you has to be on a call or calls a substantial amount of the time! DH set up his desk in the living room downstairs and I am in the office upstairs. we both tried working from downstairs but we both end up on calls too frequently and the other person finds it very distracting
anon
I could not do it. An open floor plan is vastly different from working in the same space with your spouse!
Anon
Can you fit a desk in your bedroom? If so I would do that, as long as one of you can start work after both of you are up and showered etc.
Anon
My husband and I worked from the same desk (!!) a big L shaped one for the first few months of the pandemic. It was nice to be so close and to chat and we both find the other’s work interesting but it was a pain in the butt to organize calls and hearing and the like. Plus pets. I’d insure I had privacy on calls for confidentiality reasons. His work though still court oriented has a lot less of those issues. I did enjoy getting to listen in on his hearings (public) for a bit but it got old fast. He moved to our finished basement and we bought a whole new desk setup for him. Part of why we tried to make it work is neither of our jobs were paying to set up home offices. Now, I’m so glad that we are apart and I have no idea how we managed in the same space!
anon
Can you trade off who gets the office? Either by allowing whoever has a call to “reserve” it for that time, or by switching off every few months? I prefer separate workspaces, but I’d push back on your husband getting the office and you having to work around him unless there’s a legitimate job-based reason for that.
If you do decide that one of you gets the office permanently, you should devote extra time and resources to ensuring the non-office person’s workspace is as ergonomic and functional as possible.
Anne
This. My husband and I reserve our bedroom desk area for whoever has on camera zoom and the other person works in another room on a couch or chair.
theguvnah
AMEN. I saw a whole tweet thread a few months ago about how the husbands were getting the office and the wives were working on whatever flat surface they could find in the kitchen/dining room/living room and it was pretty infuriating.
Anon
We work separately (same arrangement as you – office in the spare bedroom and the other in the dining room/kitchen/living room). I usually work in the dining room because I prefer the light in that room. When we have hearings or other serious meetings, the person gets the office, no matter who was in it last.
DC
My husband and I are both attorneys and work in the same home office, side by side. Calls don’t bother us and if we both have calls at the same time, then we coordinate and one person goes into our bedroom or downstairs. We have never had an issue working side-by-side– we studied in the same study room in law school and 15 years later we still do it! I will say that we are both very busy and so neither of us really distracts the other. However, I agree that this decision is very personal.
Anon
If the room is big enough to use for both of you, I suggest using it for both of you with a divider (floor based room divider or curtain) of some sort, and headphone speakers for phone calls. I don’t think it’s fair for one person to get a huge private home office and another to be stuck with a dining room chair (hello back pain) in the living space unable to separate home and work – and 90% of the time IME it’s the woman left with the most uncomfortable working environment. The same way you can co-exist working near coworkers, you can do the same with your spouse, but I think a room divider is a must for productivity.
Anon
+1
Walnut
My husband and I have worked in the same room feet apart since March. Plenty of that time has also been with our three toddlers and dog bouncing around. Both of us worked in high density workspaces before this and it’s not much different.
anon
I had a friend staying over for a week, we both work at the same company and we both spend 6 out of 8 working hours on calls – working in the same room would not be an option. So I would firstly consider your “call” time to see if you could make it work. I also focus best when alone, YMMV. Regarding “who gets the office” – although I have a sit/stand vario desk and a fancy office chair in guest room, I somehow prefer to work from my living room. The ergonomics of my dining table & chair are perfect for me. Plus I have a beautiful calming library background, which makes all my colleagues on zoom calls jealous.
In your shoes, I would set up a second decent working space – either leverage the dining table/chair or add a smaller desk and a good chair to living room or kitchen or bedroom or basement. And then discuss who gets which spot and with what frequency.
Anonymous
I would add a secretary desk in the dining room or living room so there is a separate space for each of you when needed. We tried sharing the home office and ended up sharing it for quiet tasks and moving to a secondary location for loud calls. It turned out each of us spends a lot of time on the phone speaking sternly.
Anon
Part rant, part I need advice. I have a friend who is very prone to catastrophizing. Whenever anything goes wrong, it’s “I’m a failure who will never succeed at this” or “I don’t belong here” or something of that nature. For example, she recently went on a long rant about how she’s a terrible worker who doesn’t deserve to be in her job because of some errors she thought she made at work, but it turned out it was a defective piece of software’s fault. Another friend and I told her “you need to stop doubting yourself so much” and now she’s pissed at us for “not listening” because “everyone’s allowed to vent sometimes.” How can we gently push back on that and say it’s not a matter of just venting, but of immediately jumping to the worst-case scenario and getting us into toxic conversations that include a lot of “no, you’re not an idiot, everyone makes mistakes…” until it’s repeated the next time something goes wrong? We’ve been in the pattern for about 7 years now, it repeats in every single job or professional opportunity, and my other friend and I are pretty over it. We’ve talked to her about it before and our catastrophizing friend thinks she’s gotten “better” about it over time, but she really hasn’t, at least not much. She recently started therapy for another issue, but I don’t know if this issue will be addressed. Any tips for shutting down a toxic, ruminating conversation but still being a good friend?
Anon
Oh man. This is what CBT is for. I hope she does bring it up with a therapist.
Anon
I am prone to being this person, and am very thankful for a couple of friends who will straight up tell me, “No, Anon, this is your jerk-brain talking.” so I can then work through getting those thoughts stowed. The important thing is that if they make that observation, I need to stop freaking out and work through it, which I do.
Now, if she’s starting from zero with no coping skills on how to put her brain-weasels back in their crate, yeah, that’s something to work through with a pro.
AnonMom
You would know whether this approach might work, but what about cutting in next time she starts on the self-demonizing talk with “Woah, you can vent, but that’s no way to talk about my friend!” and then cut her off as soon as she starts down that path again. You don’t have to fix her, but neither do you have to let her run all over you without guardrails.
Anonymous
That’s kind of what I tried to do with “you’ve gotta stop doubting yourself,” but she was offended. I get that it’s on her to manage her own feelings about my boundaries (and I’m sure I could’ve been more clear), but I also want to be sensitive.
anon
My sister has a tendency to do this, and this approach has worked well for me. It’s a light touch, but it gets the point across. And maybe at some point, when she’s not already upset about something, you can bring up why her catastrophizing is concerning — and then leave it at that.
Monday
I had a friend who kept dating married men for many years. (This wasn’t polyamory or anything, they were just cheating on their wives.) She kept coming to me with the same problems, related to the men being married. Eventually I said something like, “I don’t know how to respond to this anymore.” I still loved her and wanted to be a good friend, but I was genuinely out of things to say. She understood, and things eventually changed. For all I know, it may even have helped her get out of the self-destructive pattern.
Anonymous
I have this friend. It is so hard to figure out what to say. I believe what she is doing is both objectively wrong and in direct opposition to her self-interest, but my saying that serves no purpose. I usually just ask “Do you think this relationship will ever be able to give you what you really want?” She hasn’t dated a married man in a couple of years, so maybe she is starting to figure it out.
Anon
Tell her you’re not her therapist. Doing this all the time is a big burden to place on you and she should stop doing that.
Anon
As someone with anxiety who also has a tendency to spiral, it would destroy me if my friend told me she didn’t want to listen to me anymore.
Anonymous
What if your friend said “I’m always here to listen to you, but I can’t keep hearing you put yourself down like this?”
Anon
Why do you think it’s your friend’s job to listen to you spiral? Shouldn’t that be something you pay a therapist for?
Anon
She needs a therapist. The root of the issue here isn’t her complaining, it’s her complete lack of self-worth, and possibly underlying depression. She immediately goes to “I am at fault, I don’t deserve X” because she truly believes that. If you don’t want to hear about her job anymore, then tell her that, but don’t ignore the base psychological issue to it either.
Anonymous
Perhaps you can turn off the reassurance feedback loop that is making her bring these thoughts to you by responding more like, “that sounds tough, it must be hard to feel that way” or “it sounds like you are really feeling down on yourself right now.” So sportscasting rather than trying to fix the problem by correcting her. This could be helpful if she is really just venting, but also if she is anxious and catastrophizing, since always seeking external reassurance can exacerbate that problem.
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/how-to-stop-catastrophizing-an-expert-s-guide
Cornellian
Question re: moving in with kids. I divorced the father of my three year old very early, and have been dating a non-father my age for a year and a half. We’ve been talking about moving in together in the spring, and he’s sort of half-moved in during COVID because he became unemployed and I became a 24/7 parent plus full-time attorney. We’re actually planning on a couple of couples counseling sessions to help us make sure we’re on the same page and thinking everything through, but has anyone done anything similar? Any advice? Biodad flits in and out of the picture but routinely doesn’t even have a car, so sees him for basically an hour at a time on my front porch.
Anonymous
I think with a toddler, this will work best if all three adults can agree that your partner will become a co-parent to your child. Otherwise, I think you are going to find this a frustrating situation for someone along the way, most especially your son.
Cornellian
Yeah. I have sole custody and dad just has visitation, so in theory I make all parenting decisions, but of course in reality it’s not that black and white. When to tell bio dad is another question, as well. Boyfriend already cooks and eats dinner with us literally seven days a week, and sees preschooler approximately ten times more than dad, so I don’t think the adjustment will be too weird.
It does sort of force the question of whether boyfriend and I should be married/committed/legally partnered before we take this step, though…
Anon
I’m in the same boat, and I told my BF that moving in with me and my kid is, to me, a bigger step than getting married.
Cornellian
Yeah, makes sense. We sort of slipped in to it this year with COVID, which maybe we should have been more intentional about, but it sort of took away some of the fear for us, I think.
My house is large enough that we can have our own bedrooms, which we plan on doing for the near future if we move in. He also has a cat that probably doesn’t want to be constantly around my excited preschooler.
Anon at 4:01
My kid is a bit older (5) and my boyfriend sleeps over regularly. On the rare occasions she comes in in the middle of the night, I carry her back to her bed and snuggle with her there until she falls back asleep. It hasn’t been a big deal at all. But at 3 she was in my bed much more often, so it would have been a bigger issue then. In some ways I would love it if BF could have his own room because he snores!
Anonymous
Why would you have separate bedrooms?
Anon
If you’re going to be living together you’re going to be co-parenting, right? So it would be good to have that legal commitment so he could have legal say over the kid (like in an emergency).
Anonymous at 3:16
I agree that it forces the question. Regardless of where you land on that, I don’t think you can have an adult living in the house with a child so young who is not allowed some input into and authority to participate in parenting. Obviously, you will ultimately make any big decisions, but he is going to have to be allowed to discipline the child in the moment (in manners that you’ve agreed are appropriate), have input into house rules, etc. They need to have their own relationship or it will become the “third wheel” situation referenced below. I also have experience with that and it is uncomfortable at any age but seems unworkable and potentially harmful at three.
Anon
I went through this as a child — I was 6 when my mom remarried. Mom and stepdad made me feel like a 3rd wheel to their relationship — constant inside jokes, leaving me out of conversations, etc. Also, mom included stepdad in everything, so I barely ever had any one on one time with her (I was sent to grandparents for a lot of weekends, holidays and vacations as well).
Even though the way my mom handled this was very harmful to me, I don’t begrudge her the right to have a relationship and marriage — remember that you are entitled to be happy and in love and that fact in itself is not going to harm your kid (as long as you remember you have a kid, unlike my mom :)).
Cornellian
I’ve been reading lots of articles about blending families and they seem to focus on slightly older kids, and remind you to make sure your kid knows the partner before they suddenly move in/you get married, and to try to keep individual kid-parent interactions, as well. My son always asks why boyfriend doesn’t live here, but also is concerned he won’t be able to nap in my bed with me sometimes which is sort of heartbreaking. We’d be doing two separate bedrooms for now, in part for that reason. There’s no other family in my life, so boyfriend is very used to son being part of literally every part of it. There was one night last year when i went to a conference, boyfriend tagged along, and my son stayed with a friend, but that’s about it.
Sorry to hear about the way your mom handled it! It seems like six might be sort of a particularly awkward age for that to happen, as well. younger kids in some ways seem more capable of rolling with the punches.
Anon at 3:59
Oh yeah the reason those articles exist is because of my mom — I met my stepfather the day we moved in with him, as in, at the time we arrived at his home with our stuff. They got married the next day. In my mom’s defense, she was 26 at the time (had me at 20 as a single mom) and was going through some other very difficult things at the time, but she was very unaware of or willfully blind to how this all affected me (i.e. badly). Given how thoughtful you are being, I’m not at all worried about this with you!
Monday
Hi, I’m on the other side of this as the partner who doesn’t have kids. My boyfriend’s kids are older than yours, but from what I know you seem to be moving carefully and wisely.
The conflicting/contradictory statements from your son are familiar to me. My BF’s daughters will beg me not to leave, or say outright that I need to move in with them, but then also sometimes they say things about me not being in the family, and they show a very strong preference for their dad in every way. I just figure that they are processing out loud, as kids do, and roll with it. I make sure they have plenty of time without me around, and demonstrate that I can handle their feelings whatever they are. By moving slowly, we hope we are demonstrating stability for them, and letting them build trust.
I agree with others’ comments that you shouldn’t move in unless the relationship is planned as a permanent one. I also agree that it’s not realistic to have a live-in partner who has no authority over your kids. However, nothing you’ve posted suggests that you don’t grasp these issues.
Anon
I wonder if your mom had stepdad always there because since you were so young, she expected him to become part of your family. Like, if your parents had stayed married, you wouldn’t have wondered why your dad was always there. I don’t know, it’s all quite complex.
Anon at 4:01
Yeah I get that at home, but I mean he came along on outings that would have been perfect mother-daughter 1:1 bonding time, like shopping for back to school clothes, etc. It’s like he was never NOT there and my mom’s attention was always on him. I think in 2 parent households, one parent might take the kid to the park or a birthday party without necessarily bringing the other parent. Despite therapy, I’m still somewhat bitter about it, especially now that she divorced him and is calling me constantly wanting to chat! Ha!
Anonymous
Were you an only child? I ask b/c one of my friends was an only child, and both her parents seemed to come to a lot of things, where for me and my other friends with siblings, there were a lot of times when only 1 parent would come because the other would be taking care of our siblings. Mom and Dad of an only child is a different child-care dynamic than Mom and Dad of multiple children.
Not that this excuses your mom’s lack of attention to you during outings, and lack of care for how you adjusted to her marriage.
Anon
Ha, my daughter isn’t an only child but her best friend is, and that child’s mom+stepdad+gay uncle/pre-stepdad father figure come to everything. We call them her entourage.
LaurenB
I’m sorry for your experience. My mom remarried when I was 6 and my stepfather adopted me and I didn’t feel like a third wheel. In fact, we moved from a 1 BR apartment (where I had the bedroom and my mom slept on a couch in the living room) to a 2 BR apartment at the time, which was like moving to Versailles at the time, and I excitedly reported to my mom, “One bedroom for [name of new father] and one bedroom for you and me!” She had to explain that wasn’t quite the plan …
Stepchild
I have a lot of thoughts about this as the adult child of one parent who did this very well and one parent who did not. I could write a novel but here are the highlights.
First – what NOT to do. This may seem obvious and I apologize if it seems insulting, but please do not move someone in to be a parental figure in your child’s life unless you intend the relationship to be permanent. Obviously bad things happen and you cannot guarantee the future but you should at least be thinking this is forever. My father had three wives after my mother and an endless stream of live-in girlfriends. I eventually learned to be friendly but not attached but that took time and caused a lot of damage. Second – be sure you are very clear on what is OK and what is not in terms of discipline. You do not want to find out that your boyfriend thinks that corporal punishment was just fine after he does it. If there was something special you do with your son (as simple as a bedtime routine) do not suddenly stop. At the same time, watch out for a child’s tendency to try to play both sides against the middle! It is a real thing.
On the other hand, my mother re-married a wonderful man who is my father in every ways that counts. For young children, I agree that co-parenting is the way to go but you may need to ease into it. And that assumes this guy wants to be Dad with all that entails. If he is not wiling to take that on (including after any possible break up) then watch out for giving kiddo that impression and be sure you stay the primary parent. I suggest letting it develop over the first year or so. I am glad you are going to counseling because meshing parenting styles is hard even for two people suddenly parenting an infant but ever harder for someone suddenly faced with a preschooler.
Good luck. if you have specific questions, please let me know.
Ellen
Agree with step child. If the non-spouse is living with the child, he/she will start to assume a parental role, which is not good if after the pandemic, they go their separate ways. It is fine to sleep with someone b/c of Covid, but the kid adds complexity, particularly if he/she sees/hears all of the s-x going on betwen his/her mother/father and the non-spouse during the pandemic. Lost in the mix is the biological mother/father, who isn’t there to act as a parent. If after the pandemic is over, they split up, then the child will just assume his/her mother/father was just in it for the pandemic s-x, and this will lower his/her opinion of his/her mother/father. We need to be careful with children before we let our hormones get the best of us and move in with someone that could give our child the wrong ideas about all of this.
Anon
Commenting late but wanted to share some info from my husband’s experience having multiple stepmothers. Cornellian definitely seems to have her head on straight, and I’m not saying this in response to concerns I have about her situation, just general info for those who may resonate with it.
My husband’s father was married four times and had at least three live-in girlfriends that my husband distinctly remembers (there may have been more but his dad had a “type” and he says that “after awhile, they kind of blended together.”) My husband only saw his dad on school vacations and occasionally at Christmas but there was a stretch where every time he showed up at his dad’s house, a different person was living there. Some of these women had children, who were introduced to him as his stepsiblings. He liked some, didn’t like others, but inevitably, whether he liked them or not, no matter how much time he spent with them, they would one day disappear with no explanation. The loss of the stepsiblings hurt worse, according to my husband, than the loss of the “stepmother”/live-in wannabe stepmom. He learned quickly to do the “friendly, but not attached” thing which ended up spilling over into other areas of his life and he feels now it hurt his ability to create bonds with anyone – friends, romantic partners, etc. It also created a lot of friction with his dad because his dad would go through this whole rigamarole about how they were a family, he needed to protect his stepsiblings, etc. And they would do things like take family photos that would of course then disappear without a trace later. Before he got wise, he bonded with a couple of these kids and then they disappeared and in pre-Internet times there was no way to track them down, or keep in touch. After Facebook came along he reconnected with a couple of them, which was nice. Anyone with kids dating someone who also has kids should be aware of that dynamic.
Additionally, the revolving door of stepmothers had consequences much later in my husband’s life, when his dad was killed in a car accident and we had to deal with long-ago ex-wives/ex-girlfriends showing up and trying to claim on the estate, or just straight-up asking for money or things they had supposedly left at my father-in-law’s house. We had one former live-in girlfriend try to take over funeral planning from us. Another, who had moved out of my FIL’s house years before, tried to insist we had to let her in his house to look for things she’d left behind. We had FIL’s former stepkids, whose mom was now deceased, try to claim he’d told them he’d provided for him in his will (FIL didn’t have a will). It was a mess and made a very tough emotional situation worse. I think and hope today’s parents are more aware of these kinds of complications that can result from serial monogamy.
Anonymous
I went back and forth on whether to say this, but I’m going to. No. Don’t move an unemployed man into your household. You aren’t engaged. You aren’t married. You don’t have that level of commitment. Let him get a job and propose first. You already have one dude in your life who sounds like can’t provide for himself.
Monday
Actually, thinking about the lead-up described I do think it’s worth reflecting on this further. The advice about moving in together, even without kids, is always to do it mindfully and not primarily for logistical or financial reasons. I have broken this rule myself in the past, and regretted it. (No kids involved.) You did mention that your BF sort of unofficially moved in after losing his job and due to Covid, and it does seem like stepping back from the situation to make a new decision would be a good idea. In other words, would you still be doing this were it not for these factors? Why does this need to happen now as opposed to later?
I really hope this doesn’t sound condescending. I really have been in a very similar place myself, and I even use the above questions in thinking about my current relationship.
Anon
+1. Cornellian, think about why you are getting involved with men like this. It sounds like trading one mistake for another.
Cornellian
Fair enough. He’s employed now but as a start up employee did not do well early in the pandemic. His employment will probably always be more marginal than mine, if I’m being honest, but he had never been unemployed for more than a month prior to this.
Anon
I’m the reader who asked recently about the fit of Barbour jackets for petites. I ended up ordering a Barbour vest because it was half price during Black Friday. Unfortunately, the vest nips in below my actual waist and looks very off. The vest is going back, and I’d like to consider some petite-sized alternatives before risking another purchase-return cycle with a Barbour jacket. Features I’m looking for: machine washable (or at least hand washable), pockets that can hold my phone, warm enough for 40 degrees. I am willing to pay up to Barbour price for the perfect item, but less is better. I already looked at J.Cew and nothing caught my eye. Anyone have other suggestions?
Anon
Does LL Bean have anything? I know they make field coats and they’re one of the few places that sells outerwear in petite sizes, but the styling might not be as nice. Quality is usually good, though. I’m the poster who was complaining about the lack of petite options for outdoors gear on the morning thread, so I feel you on this. Along those lines, though- does Barbour have a kids line that might fit?
cbackson
I wear a quilted LLBean vest with my Barbour jacket.
Anonymous
They might not have the look you’re going for, but I find Patagonia to be on the shorter and fitted side of things.
Anonymous
Land’s End is short waisted, as is Boden.
Anonymous
How long do you keep a car if you’re NOT the type of person who wants a new lease every 3 years but are also NOT the type who believes in buying a Honda and driving it for 20 years or 20k miles — because you like the feel of new cars, new features etc. What’s your ideal?
Cornellian
Maybe changing more often but buying something two years old would be a compromise? I bought a 2016 car last year and have been very happy. I used Carvana, FWIW.
Anonymous
Op here – definitely not. I’m interested in how often people get new cars.
Anonymous
We’re buy a few years old, drive it for ten years people. But we have two cars and have them on opposite schedules. So there’s a new car in the mix every five years. And since kiddo was born 5 years ago, we actually both drive both cars regularly.
anon
Anywhere from 5-7 years, depending on our family’s needs. I feel like we’ve done well enough on the resale of the older car.
Anon
Do you have a partner? If you have two cars between the two of you, you can have one newer car you trade in often and one older car you keep for a long time, though then I guess you have to fight over who gets the newer car. You can also do something in between 3 years and 20 years like keeping a car for 7-8 years. My 2014 car still feels fairly new, though I don’t drive it much (and barely at all recently) so maybe I’m not a great judge of this…
Anonymous
I am more of a 10-12 years person. That will likely be early 2022 for me this time (12 years), and I think I will be ready then. I don’t drive a lot, even without a pandemic, so unless something radically changes, there will still be fewer than 100k miles on my car at that point. I would have liked to trade up at the beginning of this year, when a few things went wrong with my car, but I took a pay cut and independent contractor status last year, so I didn’t think it was the right time financially. Waiting worked out well for me, but not for reasons I could foresee at the time.
No Problem
I keep cars until they’re not worth keeping anymore. That usually means that the cost of maintenance has become more than the monthly payment on a hypothetical new car.
Safety features have changed a lot in the last 7-8 years, but not so much in the last couple. I bought a new car in 2014 and it had been recently redesigned to include all the blind spot monitor/backup camera/safety stuff that was just becoming standard at the time. Now some cars have lane departure warnings and auto braking and such, but I think the additional safety benefit of those is not worth trading in a fully paid off car that has zero maintenance issues (for me).
If your current car is running fine and there aren’t any features it’s missing that you really think would improve your life, I don’t see the point of shelling out for another car. OTOH, resale prices for used cars are great right now, so if there’s something out there that really hits all of your wish list, now is a good time to trade in.
Leatty
Our plan is to have our cars for at least a year after we finish paying them off.
Anon
The new features are often safety features, which is why I don’t like driving a 20 year old car, even if (like our 1996 Camry) the mechanical parts are all still running smoothly. Less than 10 years from a car bought new doesn’t seem right to me, unless family needs have changed so much it’s warranted.
Anon
We buy new cars and keep them for about 10 years. We do not put significant mileage on our cars (short commutes when commuting still happened) and take good care of them. My 5 year old car still looks and feels almost new.
Betsy
Our car needs have changed a lot recently, so our last cars were driven 5 or 6 years/about 100k miles and replaced with four wheel drive vehicles. In an ideal world, I would drive my cars to 180k-200k miles and replace, which would be around 8 to 10 years based on my normal driving. I agree that I am uncomfortable with the safety implications of driving a car older than about 10 years, but I also really enjoy not having a car payment!
Anonymous
We buy new cars, mostly Toyotas, and drive them well past 200K miles until they literally fall apart. I start to notice them feeling not-so-new around year 6 or 7, so I guess that would be my ideal replacement cycle. It seems to be related more to the age of the car than the mileage.
Walnut
We target 8-10 years and have two cars. We usually pay them off in about 2-3 years and enjoy some blissful years without a car payment at all.
Anon
My pattern has been 5-10 years. 10 years is really pushing it as things start to wear out and the tech gets outdated. My last two cars have been slightly used (current car was dealer service model with $10,000) but still current model year.
I’m currently driving a 2015 with close to 90,000 miles and the tech is fine for me, but the plastic bits and pieces are starting to go. I will probably have this car for another 1-3 years.
Anon
Wow using less than / greater than signs ate part of my comment so now I know not to use those. My current car had fewer than 5,000 miles on it and they took more than $10k off the price to sell it to me.
Anonymous
Trade in once my extended warranty expires.
anoooon
I had a Honda Accord that was over a decade old, 150k miles on it, that I planned to keep for another decade and up to 300k miles on it. Unfortunately, we don’t have space in our garage to park my car, so it sat out in the elements for the better part of the last 5 years. The paint on the hood started to look splotchy, the leather on the center console and the doors started to crack, it just started looking really worn. Husband tried to convince me to upgrade to a four-wheel drive or all-wheel drive for 2+ years before I finally gave in. We “upgraded” to a used Audi with a third of the mileage and quite a bit newer model. We now joke that I’ll drive this car for 20 years, but reality is probably more like a decade. We prefer buying used and have never had a car payment.
The original Scarlett
If you like a new car, leasing is the way to go. I know it’s hotly debated but I will make the case that if you lease something nice, but not crazy expensive, then you can set a fixed, monthly cost of owning a car and never worry about maintenance and you always have something nice to drive. If you math it out, it’s more than owning, it not so much more that it’s irresponsible and you’re paying for a little daily luxury and peace of mind.
Anonymous
Isn’t this just a rebranding of old-fashioned epsom salts?
Anonymous
For those who are on the conservative, not going out except groceries, not meeting with people side of the pandemic — when do you think you’d be comfortable going to a furniture store (masked). My couch is SO worn out. While I can look at designs online, I would want to see it in person if they had it plus I def don’t want to order without looking at fabric swatches. I know Macy’s etc could probably get me a couch next week, but I have my heart set on a place where you custom order. Ideally I’d love to order by March and take delivery in May. I’m in the DC area where masking is good but I def don’t think furniture shopping is essential. What are the chances that by March indoor non essential shopping is ok?
Anonymous
If you’re that paranoid now you won’t be fine in March. In reality this is perfectly fine now.
Anonymous
You have got to stop calling people paranoid. The entire U.S. is in a crisis because of not-taking-it-seriously attitudes like yours.
Anonymous
No it isn’t. Suggesting it is fine to go to a store from time to time in a mask is totally fine.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
It’s not paranoid to follow CDC guidance during a pandemic and put off unnecessary indoor exposure. You can say it’s low risk to do it, but it’s not “paranoid” to avoid it. For all the talk about how “conservative” everyone is on this s1te, y’all are way more judgmental about people taking things seriously and being cautious than anyone I know in the real world.
Anon
This is not perfectly fine now. My area is about to go into another stay at home order because behavior like this has driven covid rates up to the point that all the area ICUs are full or nearly full.
MAnon
Couch shopping is not driving up covid rates. In person parties & people gathering at homes is what is driving up covid rates. If you can go to a grocery store, you can go to a furniture store for 30 minutes (and guaranteed the furniture store will be less crowded than the grocery store.
Anonymous
Behavior like going to a store in a mask? No. It hasn’t.
Anonymous
No, you don’t know that going to the store isn’t driving up rates. Contact tracing is dead in most states and has been for a long time.
Anonymous
That doesn’t mean anyone advocating leaving your house is irresponsible. Please keep your baseless anxiety to yourself
Anonymous
I haven’t been inside a grocery store since March, but I am planning to visit a furniture store soon because we need to replace a broken piece of essential furniture. We are minimizing risk by wearing masks with filter inserts and glasses, going first thing in the morning on a low-traffic weekday, and narrowing the selections down as much as possible ahead of time so we can get in and out as quickly as possible. You could ask to take the swatch book outside to look at it, and place your order by phone afterwards because it always takes forever for them to write up the orders.
Anonymous
Yes, exactly this. I have been very, very careful during the pandemic. But I am slowly chipping away at a living room remodel, so I went to the carpet showroom 20 min before closing on. Tuesday. We were the only customers there, and I felt totally safe. Of course everyone was masked.
Anon
If you know exactly what couch or couches you want to look at, I would call the store and ask them when they are emptiest and to tell you where in the store it is (if it’s a big store). And I would go now, spend 10 minutes sitting on the couches, then leave. I’ve been very very careful, but all things considered, I think that’s pretty safe. I haven’t seen anyone indoors since March but I’ve done this a couple of times for things that I couldn’t buy online.
Cornellian
+1 to asking them when they’re least busy.
Anon
They may also allow you to make an appointment right before or after normal shopping hours
Anonymous
Personally, I think it is okay now. I also think if you’re going to a smaller, custom order place, it makes even more sense now. They’re likely to have fewer customers at one time. You can go when they first open for the day or even try to get an after-hours appointment. Small business needs the customers more now, too. Lastly, be aware that you could be waiting a long time for the furniture. Supply is down. If May is your timeline, I’d at least call around and ask when you need to order.
anon a mouse
I would go now if I could have a private shopping appointment and the sales person and I could discuss ahead of time what I wanted to see, so that I could minimize time in-store. Smaller stores that do custom work should be able to accommodate this (and they need your business!).
Cally
Honestly pretty good I think! My state has said they expect to start vaccinating healthy, general population adults by March; Dr. Fauci had said he expects anyone who wants one will be able to just get a vaccine at any drug store by April — I really think we’re close, if you can hold on just a little longer.
If that is too long – could you maybe wait until January/February? Even if not widely available yet, having health care workers & high risk populations vaccinated will take some pressure off hospitals that are stretched so thin right now.
Thanks for taking this seriously & I hope you get a lovely couch in the end!
Anon
Those dates look extremely optimistic to me. I don’t have inside information, but I’ve been following vaccine deployment logistics a little as part of my job, and I would say that next summer is a better guess for the general population to have access to a vaccine on demand.
No Problem
Honestly, if you’ve only been going out for groceries this whole time, then a furniture store is not going to be okay to go to until a significant percentage of the population has had the vaccine. I’ve not been that conservative, but hardly doing a lot more either (get groceries weekly, been to a handful of retail stores, visited outdoors with friends a few times), and I would probably go to a furniture store right now if I really needed to replace a couch. Cases in the DC area are running high for the area but not actually that high compared to most places. If I were you, I would go on a weekday morning when the store is unlikely to have many customers, probably even make an appointment or call ahead to make sure I have a salesperson who can help me directly so I won’t have to wait around. They might even be able to bring some swatches outside to the parking lot or other outdoor space so you’re only inside long enough to sit on the couches to pick the model.
Anonymous
I was in a mall in the SEUS suburbs on Thanksgiving weekend and it was not empty but pretty dead, everyone was masked (required), no one lingered, and salespeople kept their distance and only came around by request. I think you could pick a weekday and go in then or go by appointment if that is an option and stay safe.
Anonymous
So you … just didn’t breathe the air then? Is there some reason you think it was properly ventilated?
Anon
Just to be a cautionary timing tale: we ordered a bunch of furniture labor day weekend. We just got two of the couches – i.e. almost 3 months later, we are supposed to get two reclining chairs around the new year i.e. almost 4 months later, and we are supposed to get another couch we ordered (off of Macy’s!) sometime by February. Not to say there isn’t ready-made furniture on Macy’s or elsewhere and we stuck with what we really wanted knowing we were okay with the wait, but with the pandemic a 2 month time frame to get custom furniture is very optimistic based on my experience.
(We are in the mid-cautious range and went into several furniture stores and felt fine about it, but I don’t know that that will help you here).
Anon
I should add: on further thought, we did get a custom Room and Board couch a little after 2 months so I guess it is *possible* (it came earlier than they told us it would). Also, all of the furniture I mention were all from different stores, so this isn’t us just ordering from one place that happens to take a long time.
anon
Places with in-person showrooms that do custom furniture almost certainly have private shopping appointments available.
DC
I would go now before DC’s numbers get worse. It seems fine now IMHO but I may have a different opinion if/when we get over a 7% positivity rate.
Anonymous
If you are going to ask for a private appointment, as others suggest, I would be extremely clear when making the appointment that you want to fully distance from any staff. Otherwise, you may get an aggressive salesperson less than 10 feet from you the whole appointment. And instruct them to wear masks. This would be an N95 or double-mask plus goggles and gloves scenario for me because you are not just going to be in there for a few minutes. You will be sharing indoor air. And you are going to be touching surfaces and have no idea who might have been sitting in the same spot over the last week. I would pick the biggest store in the area, too, so there is a lot of air circulation and less likelihood that other customers touched that same piece of furniture before you.
LaurenB
I’m on the conservative side (not politically, just pandemic safety-wise!) and I see nothing wrong with going to a furniture store, assuming you are masked, the other people are masked, and you all keep your distance. It’s still fundamentally an errand, really.
Cat
If you’ve been “groceries only” even during the better summer months, I don’t see a reason to change your ways now.
BUT we are being cautious and would not have an issue going to a furniture store in an area where people are being respectful of each other.
Anon
Go by how crowded a place is and how far apart you can stay from someone. If you’re in a big furniture store where everyone is masked and the nearest person is 30 ft away it’s perfectly fine.
Anonymous
I’m … not sure this is true. Wouldn’t it also need to be properly ventilated?
Anonymous
risk = length of exposure x amount of exposure
I am very conservative re: the pandemic (pick up groceries, no socializing indoors, outdoors with mask + distancing) and I think it’s fine to go look for a furniture piece that you actually really need to replace. Like many of the other commenters I’d suggest reducing length of exposure by being purposeful, aka call ahead and make sure they have what you want, go in, look and sit on it, get samples, leave. I’d suggest reducing amount of exposure by going first thing when they open on a non-popular day if possible. With those precautions I think it’s totally fine to go now. I think most of the messaging is like, don’t just go browse shopping for fun if you really don’t need to bc you may be needlessly exposing yourself for a really low priority thing, bt it sounds like replacing this couch will be really valuable to you
Anonymous
This is me, too, and I agree with this. For me, it’s “how essential is this trip” + “can I limit it to under 30 min?” + mandatory masking and keeping 6′ distance at all times. People don’t seem to understand that just because you “can” do one trip for essentials doesn’t mean all trips are equal. Every low risk activity adds up when you do a lot of them, so avoid what you can if you want to protect yourself and others.
Trixie
I am in a similar situation with rug shopping. My strategy is to go on a weekday, not after work, during the day, and wear a mask, bring hand sanitizer, etc. I stay far away from people, stay on task, and get in and out. Large stores are not where one picks up covid, I believe, but that is my approach.
am I broken?
Confession: I don’t like international travel.
I was lucky enough to go on a couple international trips as a kid/young adult, but I find that I just sort of don’t like the idea of doing it for fun now that I’m an adult. The plane rides are just too darn long and I feel gross afterwards. I hate the artificial feeling of tours and hotels, and I hate pretending like I belong by staying in AirBnBs and going where locals go and being obviously a tourist. Am I alone in this? Am I crazy?
Anonymous
I love international travel, but at most have 4-day work breaks, so largely out for me. But my family has been posted around the US (health service, army) and I’ve been wowed with how diverse the country is (go for 2-24 hours without a language or currency change and you keep driving on the right!). So I have on my list post-quarantine: Arkansas (incl. Crystal Bridges Art Museum) and Oklahoma (Ft. Sill visit and then Museum of the American Cowboy); eventually Montreal (in summer; once I am confident the border will reopen). I feel like if my kids need to pick colleges, they should be aware of what in the rest of the country exists (or if they work for Big 4, they shouldn’t panic at spending 2 weeks in Dubuque b/c they have already been to Iowa).
Note to self: renew kids’ passports (which for minors I remember being a Process)
Gail the Goldfish
Did the Cowboy museum make your list thanks to the quarantine tweets by Tim the Security Guard? Because that’s how it’s now on my list.
Anonymous
Absolutely! I’ve been to Oklahoma before, but not Hashtag The Cowboy until Tim the head of security took over the twitter account.
Anonymous
There’s no obligation to like travel, but I’m also sensing a lot of focus on the negative aspects of travel in your post. I feel gross after long flights too (and I cannot sleep on planes so they are always very rough), but I don’t remember that longer on. I remember the fun I had and the joy in small moments of discovery and experience. My husband and I also use a “no whining” rule so we don’t drag down the other person complaining about things like long flights. If you want to travel more, which again is not an obligation, can you try cultivating a positive mindset more specifically? Sometimes it takes extra attention and care to do well.
Anon
Nope. I have a chronic illness that makes travel a lot harder and less fun, so that might be part of my perspective, but instead I pay an arm and a leg to live in one of those places that showed up on several people’s mentions of favorite vacations they ever took. I’d rather live somewhere I don’t have feel like I don’t have to escape from. The beach and mountains are both minutes from my house, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on much.
Anonymous
Hawaii?
If so, I’m just going to do a deep breath and try not to have the envy monster come join me for a drink.
Anon
I don’t see what’s wrong with not liking travel. It’s a fashionable hobby in this time period, but there’s always people who don’t like whatever is in fashion. Plenty of people live interesting, fulfilling lives without traveling — either because they can’t or don’t want to.
E.G. I don’t like cooking, cookbooks, or books about food, and am not a foodie (I prefer simple, healthy meals with few ingredients and steps). Sometimes I think I’m alone in this, but I know that’s impossible.
Monday
+1. I am also not that into travel, at least not in its current trendiness. It feels so showy on social media, and people can travel all over the world without learning anything about the places they go. It doesn’t entitle someone automatically to being cultured or whatever, when they’d never pick up a book about the politics or history of these foreign countries.
Anon at 3:25
Yes, this annoys me too, and people who “do” 3 countries in 10 days, so they can scratch them off on their scratch-off world travel map.
anonyK
Plenty of people don’t like to travel. It’s just not a trendy thing to say because people assume you are small minded or hate foreigners or something like that. Don’t worry about it. I don’t love travel myself. I don’t hate it, but I don’t find it relaxing. For me, it’s the logistics that kill most of the fun. I find the stress outweighs the relaxation of getting time off from work. Also I really hate packing/unpacking and waiting at airports- especially now that I have kids I have to pack/plan for as well. I’m good if I do like one big international trip every decade. If someone was going to plan it all for me and pack for me, I might want to go more often.
anon
+1. I made a similar comment about the logistics below. I rarely regret traveling once I’m there, but there are many things about the process that are so deeply unpleasant. Whenever I return from a trip, I feel completely wiped out, not refreshed.
Anonymous
I think I need a week off before a trip and definitely a week after, especially if any time changes are involved. Just going to the beach seems to net 1000 extra loads of laundry (I like to come home to beds where the sheets don’t need changing and the kids’ clothes are all clean and stuff for summer camp is ready to go, which is always the week after the beach). Or I need servants (definitely a quartermaster, a laundry supervisor, a porter, a driver, and definitely a cleaner; possibly others).
Anon
Yes! I HAVE to have additional time off before I go back to work when I get back from a trip.
am I broken?
Yes! Thank you. I don’t find it relaxing either. I appreciate you sharing – I feel better about it.
anon
I don’t think it’s that unusual. My dad, for example, is perfectly happy barely leaving the county he lives in. I’ve traveled with him *just enough* (very, very infrequently) to realize that while he can appreciate the destination, the hassle and expense don’t outweigh being comfortable in his surroundings.
I’m not nearly that extreme, but I’m good with one big trip per year (domestic most of the time), and maybe another short one within driving distance. I enjoy being someplace else, but I do not love planning vacations and find it stressful. The logistics also feel like such a hurdle, probably because I don’t do it often enough to be good at it!
IDK, I feel like social media has warped our perception of how much people are actually traveling.
am I broken?
I think your dad and I are very similar. That’s basically how I feel. Thank you.
Anon
Your last point is so true, if you do online dating every single person’s profile is just about how much they love to travel and pictures of all their travels. It’s not a personality trait!
busybee
I don’t especially like international travel either. I enjoy seeing new things and people-watching in other counties, but I don’t care for museums or tours. I spent a few days alone in Paris and although I speak French and could get around easily, I still felt out of place and homesick. I don’t like being disconnected from my real life at home. It’s very trendy for millennials especially to LOOOOVE traveling but there’s nothing wrong if it’s not your thing.
Anon
I love international travel, but I know people that don’t, so I don’t think you’re alone or crazy on this (and for what it’s worth, I also hate organized tours and try to avoid them). If you’re American, less than 50% of Americans have passports, and honestly America is so big and diverse that you can go somewhere that feels completely different in a lot of ways and never leave the country.
Ellen
This is me. I did travel when I was young with my parents and Rosa, but frankly, I can leave all of that behind; after all, how many things can we now just find on the Internet; including movies! I see NO value in traveling 10 hours to see an old ruin, and get pinched by locals who want to see if I am wearing Spanx! PTOOEY on those old dirtbags who haven’t had s-x with women our age in years, and now think that all American women want to do nothing but have them grab and ravish our bodies! How dumm are they? DOUBEL FOOEY!
Anon
You get to like what you like! That’s not crazy.
Anon
I think it is very normal for attitudes about travel to change as you get older. When I graduated law school, I spent 10 days essentially backpacking through Peru. The logistics of the trip were horrendous, but I got to see a lot. In my 30s… that no longer sounds appealing. When I was younger, I very much wanted to do things like “locals” and avoid touristy areas. Now, I feel much more comfortable and happier doing touristy things in touristy areas. I think part of this is that I used to see international travel as a “trip” whereas now it is “vacation.”
Anonymous
Yes — sort of how semi-obligatory family visiting is not a vacation (esp. when you are cooking or having to figure out 3 meals a day for your family, let alone any extended family, let alone in-laws).
Lyssa
I think “touristy things” get unfairly maligned. Sure, some are definitely not worth it, but many things are popular for a reason and well worth the experience. I’d never regret visiting Westminster Abby or touring Notre Dame.
Anon
+1 touristy things are popular for a reason. Like you, I will never regret seeing Westminster Abbey, or Versailles, or the Louvre. Even though they are about as touristy as you can get.
Anon
I’m very much a homebody and I like having my things around me. While I do like to travel, I only really enjoy it if I do it comfortably, which is expensive haha. So I don’t travel very often. I could never backpack or couch surf in a million years.
Blueberries
OP, I think it’s great not to travel far if you don’t want to. I like international travel, but feel bad about the carbon footprint of flying. During normal times, I’ve been exploring more within a few hours’ drive/train ride.
There are lots of ways to learn about the world that don’t involve getting on a plane. Also, folks who do travel don’t necessarily learn much about other countries.
Of Counsel
You are neither alone nor crazy. Different people like different things.
I love to travel. I will drive my Honda into the ground and live in a smaller house for the pleasure of my yearly trips (usually alternating international and domestic). I am not doing it to escape where i live (I live in a US city that other people come to visit). I do it to see things I cannot see here. I really wanted to see the Sistine Chapel and snorkel in the South Pacific and climb Mayan pyramids so I did. But that is what I like to do with my time and money. Some people like to jet ski or ride ATVs or go to NASCAR events and that sounds like hell to me. That does make one of us right or wrong. it just makes us different.
Anonymous
Same. And I am just about crazy enough to want to do it with little kids (mine are 5 and 2). Pre-kids we were based in Asia, and skied in Japan, went hiking in New Zealand, climbed the steps of Angkor Wat, and ate mind-blowingly spicy food in Chengdu, etc. Alas, literally all of our vacation time and money in the past few years have been spent traveling to see family and I can’t wait till our financial situation permits more travel.
Anonymous
You’re not crazy! :) It’ perfectly fine not to enjoy travel, or not enjoy it enough to want to make it a time or money priority.
I love international travel, but based in Europe that does not have to mean long-haul. If I lived in the US I would love to see different states and landscapes.
I like hotels, airports, trains, etc. and I love planning travel, though. I think the last one is key – I genuinely enjoy planning travel routes, checking trip advisor, finding a nice hotel, checking the airport transfer etc, and I genuinely enjoy being in on the way somewhere. It’s a great feeling of anticipation and suspension. I understand how people might not like this, or find it stressful, and I *have* had stressfull moments, too, and scary ones, but generally I like the travel itself in addition to seeing something interesting or new, or an old favourite. I do like my creature comfort,s so I don’t do packpacking styles, and don’t like organised tours – I don’t enjoy being led in a big flock as much as planning my own itenerary. And I don’t want to go anywhere, everywhere, I’m choosy in terms of safety or do-I-want-to-spend-money-here.
For me a travel itenerary as a tourist is never “see all the things”. I choose maybe one place or activity per day, and do the rest by feel. I don’t have to see everything. I have been in Rome and chosen NOT to see the Sixtine chapel or the Vatican, that’s absolutely fine! One thing I really like, is doing very everyday things like seeing grocery stores in other places. (I enjoy food shopping at home, too.) It’s fun to try a new tea, or get some strange candy, or have a picnic lunch (or instant ramen in the hotel if I’m done for the day).
But yes, even though I love all these things, I still get gross and sweaty and cold and tired and jet lag etc. For me, it’s worth it, but I get why it might not be.
Anon
I love living abroad but not traveling abroad. I just don’t like traveling! I would jump an opportunity to work on a project or teach for a semester abroad.
Anonymous
It sounds like you’re focused on travel for the sake of travel vs doing something fun. What do you like to do? Hiking, scuba diving, visiting museums or historical landmarks like ruins, trying your favorite alcohol directly from the brewery/distillery/winery and discovering similar styles in the area that you can’t get in the US? I think you’ll have a better experience if you start with what your interests are and let that guide your location, vs thinking, ie, oh I’ve never been to London and I hear that’s a thing one should do so I guess I’ll go there and sign up for whatever boring-to-me tours are recommended by my travel book.
Anon
Oh, that bath treatment might be the way to go. My department of three does small gifts for each other, and I’ve been really stressing about what to buy, since there’s complicated dietary and health issues involved. (Although my cynical side is really liking the Christmas-light-bedecked dumpster fire ornaments all over Etsy this year…)
NOGS
I have a naturally occurring gray streak (NOGS). I am cool with that happening, color-wise. The problem is that the texture is coarse, dry, tending to stand up and look like I fried it with a curling iron. The rest of my hair is oily (does need to be washed daily), flat, very shiny.
Is there a product or thing I can do to tame the NOGS? I can’t get in for brazilian straightening (which is bad to do anyway) and think that relaxer might dissolve my hair (also I’d be the person who got it in her eyes). Brush on a perm solution but don’t curl?
So far I’ve tried every conditioner and even Vaseline. I’m not sure what the right product is to help the NOGS stay flat and blend in, texture-wise, with the rest of my hair. It could be a good look, but it’s just not there yet.
Anonymous
Blow-dry that section straight with a round brush and a concentrator.
Anonymous
Maybe apply a heat protectant to the streak and smooth it with a flat iron?
Anon
+1 I think the flat iron is the answer here. J also have coarse grays, though not lucky enough to have them concentrated in a cool streak, and they are why I finally bought a flat iron. I don’t do it all the time but for something like a meeting/presentation/interview I feel more confident not having wiry grays poking up all over my head.
Anon
Before doing this, do an olaplex treatment on your whole head followed by a protein treatment and a deep conditioner. You’d be surprised how much this smoothes frizzy hair. Do not get a relaxer, it’s a pain as it grows out, is bad for sensitive skin, and unless your hair is curly and you want to straighten it, won’t do anything for you – relaxers aren’t smoothing treatments.
AnonATL
I love Shea moisture’s strengthen and moisturize leave in conditioner. They also have a deep moisturizing conditioning mask you use in the shower.
You could put some on just that section and then normal treatment for the rest of your hair.
Bedroom rugs
If you have a rug in your bedroom (vs carpet), can you describe it and what you like / don’t like about it? I feel like I need one for sound-dampening, for avoiding wear and tear (bedroom is also where I attempt to do my aerobics step) on wood floors, and for warmth.
In my city, it seems from Zillow listings that people use a lot of sisal / seagrass / maye jute woven rugs (maybe with a faux zebra or something put on top of that for further accenting)? But a lot of those nautural ones I thought were scratchy or gave off a lot of fuzz. We have a ruggable in the living room, but I was thinking something plusher (and larger than the plush ruggables) in the bedroom since the washing aspect should be much less there (although there is always the stomach bug / bad mayo to prove me wrong about that). I just want it not to be scratchy if bareroot.
Anon
I think people use sisal etc rugs because they’re cheap, to be honest. I would get a nice wool rug personally, if you want to spend money. I got a cheap powerloomed viscose rug a couple years ago for my bedroom and it already looks terrible.
Anonymous
+1 – they got a sisal rug for the Zillow listing bc it’s neutral and adds texture but they are uncomfortable and don’t wear well. I vote a neutral wool rug.
Anon
I had one of those because it was cheap and I hated it. I now have something from RugsUSA dot com and I love it — plush and soft like a much more expensive wool rug but cleans super super easily. They are very inexpensive as well.
Anonymous
I like wool rugs. They are the most durable and easiest to care for. Second tier for me would be a plush synthetic that is cheaper (they aren’t all). Stay away from viscose. They can be beautiful, but they are hard to care for. I do not want to walk on jute or sisal, especially in the bedroom.
Anonymous
I will add that I don’t think I would love working out on a rug. If possible, I would want to reserve an area to be kept bare and then use a mat or, alternatively, still put a mat down over the rug.
ATL
I have a wool rug from West Elm via FB marketplace in my bedroom and I like how cozy it is but it sheds like CRAZY. It fills my vacuum canister every time I vacuum.
Anon
I have a vintage Aubusson style karastan wool rug under my bed, with enough to the sides that our feet land on rug when we get out of bed. I absolutely love it. The old wool is super soft and yes, noise absorbing.
Anonymous
Job question. I used to work in a specialized area (A). I switched employers to do more general work (B). Despite being hired for B and having a B title, 40% of my work is A.
I’ve been fine with this because I like A but I’ve been clear that I want to do B long term and my boss was on board. Everyone is happy with my work in A and B.
My boss now wants to hire someone to do B so I can do mostly A. I would still do about 10% B, but I would report to the new hire for B (now I run B myself).
I’m trying to figure out my best response. I think I have some ability to influence the path but they will hire someone to do B no matter what.
Option 1 is wait and see.
Option 2 is request that we hire a peer in B so that we can split B and I can continue 50/50. Preserves status quo.
Option 3 is go all in on A. A has no upward mobility in my department (individual contributor) but a lot of upward mobility in another department. If I switched to the other department and took on additional A related responsibilities (there is a need for this), I could have a more senior role.
I’m leaning towards pitching 3. I think 1 and 2 result in me doing A anyway on without upward mobility. While I originally thought I would pursue B, it was to get new skills and have upward mobility. 3 would do both of those things, but in a different way. The issue with 3 is that I’ve only been here 6 months and I think my boss does not want me to switch departments.
Other thoughts?
Betsy
Would it be possible to transition your job to B and hire someone to replace you for A?
Anonymous
Option D: boss you hired me to do B. I want to do B full time. Why can’t we figure out how to get A off my plate instead of taking an away?
Cornellian
I’ve been reading lots of articles about blending families and they seem to focus on slightly older kids, and remind you to make sure your kid knows the partner before they suddenly move in/you get married, and to try to keep individual kid-parent interactions, as well. My son always asks why boyfriend doesn’t live here, but also is concerned he won’t be able to nap in my bed with me sometimes which is sort of heartbreaking. We’d be doing two separate bedrooms for now, in part for that reason. There’s no other family in my life, so boyfriend is very used to son being part of literally every part of it. There was one night last year when i went to a conference, boyfriend tagged along, and my son stayed with a friend, but that’s about it.
Sorry to hear about the way your mom handled it! It seems like six might be sort of a particularly awkward age for that to happen, as well. younger kids in some ways seem more capable of rolling with the punches.
Anon
Re: the pet peeve thread this morning and those talking about how “department store looking Christmas trees” in people’s houses are “cold” and “soulless.” I was shocked to read how many people felt that way. I have always personally hated trees filled with tons of Kindergarten crafts. I prefer a well coordinated tree. I also don’t have and don’t want kids so that probably has a lot to do with it. So my question is this – those who are child free by choice, which Christmas tree camp do you fall into?
Anonymous
I might still have children (TBD), but I love a tree that isn’t too sterile. Mine has classic red balls, handblown eggs from the egg store in Salzburg, some fun figurines from random stores (like a seal smoking a pipe), some ornaments I made myself out of wine corks, animal ornaments of various kinds, including several cardinals, and both white and colored lights. I’ve gotten several compliments on it, although I suppose we all do. If I do have kids, I don’t think I would want too many kindergarten crafts on the tree, but I love well-made toy ornaments (like wooden puppets and the like).
Anon
I didn’t comment this morning, but I am adamantly, enthusiastically childfree by choice and I LOVE sentimental trees and feel like department store trees are soulless! (Sorry!!) My mom always gave us an ornament every year tailored to our interests for the year and she packed them up in a big rubbermaid when we moved out and sent them with us! To this day I STILL put my childhood ornaments on my tree – including barbies, a unicorn, a cheerleader, and Snuffaluffagus. Now that I’m an adult, we buy ornaments as souveniers whenever we travel, and it’s really fun to pull out my ornament from the redwood forest and reminisce about our trip there. I also like colored lights and have a multicolored felt ball garland. I’m very much a variety-is-the-spice-of-life person and just love that look for the holidays.
Anonanonanon
I have a kid now, but this is me too!
Betsy
Even as a child, I didn’t like putting kindergarten crafts on the tree. I told my parents when I grew up I would have two trees and the main one would only have pretty ornaments on it. I still prefer a well coordinated tree although I’ve allowed a few sentimental but off theme ornaments to creep in over the years. I do like having ornaments from vacations, but I try to stick to pretty pewter ones so that they remain coordinated. No kids currently, but I actually still think my childhood two tree plan sounds like a great solution once I do!
Aunt Jamesina
This sounds like a nice balance! I have a girlfriend that does two trees like this.
anon
This is similar to what we do. We have a “family” tree with multi colored lights, craft ornaments and other “kid” ornaments. Then we have a grown up tree that has white lights and our nicer ornaments. I’d say 90% of both trees are sentimental though, neither is very coordinated.
MagicUnicorn
I have kids (by choice), and don’t usually do a tree. When we do, it’s almost always lights-only or some alternate version of a tree (like holiday cards clipped to tree-shaped string outline pinned to the wall). I like other people’s trees, but prefer the personalized ones and not the matchy-matchy ones. Those just look like someone bought them from a showroom along with their entirely matching living room and bedroom suites, which is fine if that’s what they are into. Just not my taste.
Senior Attorney
Do people really care that much about other people’s Christmas trees?
I think the “soulless” ones can be really pretty and I appreciate them in a different way than I appreciate the kindergarten-crafts ones. There is room in this world for all of them, says I!
Anon
Same! I cant imagine getting upset about the way somebody else wants their Christmas tree to look. The more Christmas the better!
Anonymous
Again, it’s about minor pet peeves, not extreme upset.
Anonymous
One of the parts I like the most about having no children is that I never feel obligated to decorate anything for any holiday. I recently packed up every holiday decoration in my possession (all unwanted gifts) and gave them to Goodwill. They have never been displayed not once and I do not want them taking up space here. Maybe I am a Grinch*, but I have never understood why we turn holidays into work, particularly for women.
To answer the question, though, I prefer coordinated trees. Coordinated can mean filled with high-quality, non-matching ornaments, but it has to be done really well for me to think much of it.
*I am a Grinch. I don’t want to hear Christmas music or bake anything (or eat anything baked) or smell evergreen-scented things or put up a seasonal wreath either.
Anonymous
I am a typical Christian mom/wife, but I see Christmas as basically a long series of chores, I’m not a fan, I play along for my family,
Aunt Jamesina
So I was the one who made the initial comment (and I don’t have kids yet). My tree definitely doesn’t look like it’s full of kindergarten crafts, nor do most people’s I know. It has a number of glass ornaments we got on vacations that are really beautiful on their own, they just don’t necessarily match. If/when we have kids, I imagine we’ll feature a few crafted ones per year, and only save the crafts that are special to us for later years. There’s a balance to be had.
To me, the ones that are in a strict color scheme with maybe 3 or 4 types of the exact same ornaments repeated looks like the design equivalent of buying multiples of the same work of art, or trying to fill in bookshelves with only Target or Homegoods tchotchkes bought on one trip. A few are nice, but more makes it lose any depth or effect.
I don’t recall seeing department store style trees in homes until maybe the late 90s or early 2000s.
Anonymous
I agree. To each their own (it was a pet peeve thread, after all). I also think the trees that are strictly silver and gold balls with white lights are a little scary! They just seem rigid. I don’t see them that much, though, and I’m sure most people who do prefer that more cohesive look aren’t THAT strict.
Anon
Scary? You can’t be serious
Anonymous
You all are taking this WAY too seriously. Who cares if someone else doesn’t like your tree? Pet peeves are by definition minor annoyances.
Anonymous
I highly prefer mine with a strict color scheme as you describe. It’s calming to me. To each their own, I guess. It never even occurred to me that someone would be judging my tree.
Anon
Enthusiastically agreed that it’s calming. My personal decor taste is abnormally simple and plain, because I find visual busy-ness overstimulating and stressful. Maybe it’s part of being slightly non-neurotypical, but even striped or plaid clothing makes me feel like my eyes are vibrating. I like solid jewel tones, simple clean lines, and matchy stuff. Most of what I see in decorating magazines gives me a headache.
Anonymous
Oh my goodness, yes. The articles about how you have to layer in accessories? All that stuff makes me tense.
Anonymous
I have white lights and color schemed balls as well, to me it is calming and magical. My SILs are all judgy about it. However, they are so busy being judgy about everything this barely registers on the meter.
Formerly Lilly
“I don’t recall seeing department store style trees in homes until maybe the late 90s or early 2000s.”
Clearly you never met my mother. There was the homey tree in the den, but her joy in Christmas decoration came from the one worthy of a florist’s display in the living room. The trees she did were exquisite, but not precious or perfect. This was in the 1970’s. Perhaps it was proximity to Cheekwood’s (Nashville) annual Trees of Christmas exhibit. She spearheaded an effort by her local, small town garden club to do their own Trees of Christmas event as a charitable fundraiser. The event is on its 45th year. I prefer a more casual tree, but the foofy ones have a place in my heart.
Anonymous
My mom also had 70s style decorator trees.
LaurenB
My mother had all those Radko ornaments, and then little pewter frame ornaments with pictures of all the family members as little children. It was all coordinated and then a few personal ornaments depicting our hobbies or special interests. She enjoyed putting it up and arranging it just so and I don’t think I ever felt that I missed out on not decorating the tree — we kids just thought it was a chore and if she was happy to do it, so be it.
anonshmanon
What I like about department store trees is that they are so full. There is something everywhere. For my taste, it doesn’t need to be all matchy matchy, but I want there to be lots. Lots of lights, lots of ornaments. I do like the sentimental ornaments that my parents have, but I just don’t have that kind of collection as of yet, so my tree looks a bit more boring. This year I shall be adding one of those 2020-dumpsterfire ones to the collection, though, and my mom sent me an ornament, too.
Anon
Back when I was in my twenties, no kids get, and decided I knew everything about everything, I decided that my Christmas tree would be white lights with white and silver ornaments only. Those ornaments from my childhood that my mom gave me when I moved out sat in a box.
Now I’m 55, I have two young adult kids, and I’m sitting next to this year’s tree. Within my line of sight right now are white and sliver ornaments plus Glinda the Good Witch, a felt gingerbread man, BB8, a Czech glass bagel related to a long story in my family, and several shoe shaped ornaments in various colors. We also have some colored glass balls from my husband’s childhood tree, ornaments with pictures of my kids that they gave to me in preschool etc, and a bunch more Czech glass ornaments of Santa, angels, and for some reason, vegetables.
Most of these were gifts, things acquired along the way because of some event (like the bagel), or things that mean something to one of us. It’s less matchy than I always envisioned but it’s our tree. I love the stories behind each ornament and my kids are already talking about which ones they’ll take when they have their own trees.
When I think about 20-something me, I think of the saving “man plans, god laughs.” Life happens.
Cat
I think there’s a middle ground between Display Tree and Craft Tree. No kids here but our tree is a mix of our own childhood ornaments (shout out to Christmas Barbie circa 1993) and those we picked up as travel souvenirs, commemorating our wedding, moves, etc. it does not all “match” but it gives us the warm fuzzies to decorate.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s about whether you have kids. It’s about your tolerance for, or love of, clutter. I have always preferred a tree that is mostly coordinated with just a few carefully curated sentimental ornaments. My husband, on the other hand, wants to hang every macaroni ornament he made in kindergarten. Our Christmas tree decorating preferences reflect our general approaches to “stuff.” I am stressed out by clutter and have been KonMari-ing since Marie Kondo and I were both in grade school. He grew up on an old farm with a barn full of the previous owner’s junk and insisted that we tote around an extra set of his parents’ old dishes and a giant set of nonfunctional stereo speakers for the first decade of our marriage because we might need them someday. Having kids hasn’t made me more willing to put his junky garbage on the Christmas tree—if anything, it’s further entrenched both of our preferences.
LaurenB
+1. I grew up with trees that were coordinated with just a few sentimental ornaments as well, and even those were “nice” (little pewter frames with pictures of all of us as children, that type of thing). From maybe the mid-eighties on, lots of Christopher Radko ornaments which gave a unified look. But, decorating the tree as a family wasn’t really a “thing” in our household — we (kids) saw it as a chore and my mother liked to set it up and fuss over it, so win-win. I certainly didn’t feel hurt that my macaroni necklaces didn’t make it on the tree!
Anonymous
OMG you just hit the nail on the head for me. I, too, get extremely stressed out by clutter and I prefer the “department store” Christmas tree style.
Anon
Yeah I have a random ornament tree but I keep it relatively uncluttered by not using garland, ribbons, tinsel etc. It’s just white lights and evenly spaced ornaments. It’s actually very pretty.
I also have a dimmer on the extension cord which is huge for me. I like the lights to be medium lit, not super bright
Anon
I don’t think clutter is the determining factor. I think those who are sentimental and nostalgic won’t be satisfied with a stylized tree. I am a big softie in this category. My grandmother had very little, but each year, evry grandchild received a homemade ornament . . .and she lived to 97, so I have quite a few. Then my mother picked up the tradition when my grandmother died. Both were exacting artisans, and the ornaments are wonderful. After my mother died, my sister took a slew of her costume jewelry and has been repurposing that into sparkly snowflakes and stars. I also have a few ornaments made by my kids when they were in preschool, and no tree decorating would be complete without one of the (now adult) kids moving a sib’s ornament to put their own in a more prominent position. I love it all, and that is the full extent of my holiday decorating.
Anonymous
“I don’t think clutter is the determining factor. I think those who are sentimental and nostalgic won’t be satisfied with a stylized tree.”
This is accurate for me.
Anon
I’m not normally sentimental and nostalgic, but I also kind of don’t see the point of Christmas unless it’s sentimental and nostalgic on some level? Aesthetically, most people’s decor looked better before they put up Christmas decorations, however chic.
Anon
Anon at 11:18, gently, “sentimental and nostalgic” is only true if you had a certain kind of childhood. I can’t really help it if you don’t see the point of my kind of Christmas. I don’t have fuzzy warm memories to draw from.
Anon
I was also speaking from a perspective of not having warm memories. I mostly opt out of Christmas personally.
Trailerhood Tree
Kitchy ornaments that are gifts over the years, including a good many kindergarten crafts. And a leg lamp.
Anon
We have a leg lamp too!
Anon
We don’t use sentimental ornaments. I have them, I will always treasure them, but we have a lot of fun doing themed trees. One year we did Star Wars, another year we did Lego minifigures. This year we didn’t choose a character theme but we bought black Christmas ornaments – something I never thought I’d find – and so the tree is white with black, gold and silver ornaments and all-white lights and I think it looks GREAT.
We are not really traditionalists and have more fun thinking up a new theme every year vs. pulling out the same stuff, year after year, and having the tree basically look the same every year. I’m also not a huge fan, personally, of the red-and-green Christmas stuff, but I love all the neutral/white stuff that’s become popular lately. To each their own.
Anonymous
I don’t mind that other people have kindergarten trees, but I prefer trees that are coordinated or curated on some level (not necessarily colourwise), and that do not have blinking lights. I like lots of different styles, but I think other people would call it more department store than kindergarten crafts.
My own tree primary tree has lots of variety, but there’s an underlying theme, which I guess is sort of a fake vintage style, that could have been Mickey’s tree in an older cartoon with Chip & Dale and Pluto. Glass, velvet, glitter and vintage colourful. I prefer the lights that look like fake candles, but don’t mind that other people use fairly lights.
To me a Christmas tree is like other kinds of home decorating – it looks better if everything is not bought at the same place in the same year. Unless you want the catalouge look, of course.
Anonymous
I like a high quality tree. So antique wood, glass, and ceramic ornaments with classic white lights. I really don’t like plastic, glitter, or bright colours. I am a fan of gold, silver, red, white, green etc. I think the ‘personal’ trees look tacky and cluttered.
Anon
I’m in the midst of a job search that has been pretty demoralizing, and I could use help figuring out whether this is (a) a me issue that I can fix,(b) a me issue that I cannot fix, or (c) a reflection of the pandemic job market.
About me: 20 year lawyer, graduated from solid but not prestigious schools, no clerkship, continuous and substantive experience working for regional employers, currently employed in first in-house job.
Market: Big coastal city with major influence from industry that I have no experience with but there are other industries too. Looking for another in-house job across industries.
Job search/results: 55 applications in the past 4 months. All applications were for published job openings direct to employer (not through outside recruiter). I had 1 telephone screen that did not go further because they were looking for someone more junior. About 10 outright rejection emails. Silence from the rest. I’ve read all of the resume and cover letter advice on Ask A Manager, and while I’m sure there’s room for improvement, I think my cover letters and resumes (I tailor them to each job) look pretty good.
I don’t have anyone in real life to talk to about this. Open to any and all advice.
Anon
I think this is the job market. This was my experience post-Great Recession and slightly less bad even more recent than that.
Anon
Have you literally just been submitting applications? Like 80% of jobs are found through some sort of networking so you need to be having informational interviews with people. Sometimes by the job is posted a company might already have an idea of who they want to hire so while it’s posted, it’s not like you have a shot
Anon
+1. I’ve learned this is especially true for in house jobs. You need a contact.
Anon
Not a lawyer, but my experience in the job market over the last decade and that of most people I know is that you never hear back from most jobs you apply for and it has nothing to do with you. I assume it’s even worse during the pandemic. Working in academia/government, it’s extremely common to advertise for jobs where we pretty much already know who we’re going to hire but still have to go through the entire job posting and interview process, it’s really awful (I’ve been both an interviewer and interviewee in those cases). I hope that’s less common in the private sector, but probably still happens some. I’m sure this really depends on the industry, but hiring in academia and most of state/local government is pretty much non-existent right now, so I wouldn’t assume this has anything to do with you. I think that people that are hiring now have very specific needs and a lot of people to pick from so you need a fair amount of luck to find the right thing.
Monte
Agree with both of these. The job market is not great, but getting a job or even an interview from a publicly posted ad is going to be very difficult without an in or a connection. You need to reach out to your network (your own outside counsel, peers at other companies, law school buddies, whomever) to lay the groundwork for getting your resume to folks apart from the hiring portals.
Anony
It’s possibly a) and c). Have you considered talking to a career coach? It took me a while to warm up to it but I think it really did help me approach a few things like using my network differently – and as much as I thought my resume was great, it got totally revamped. (He gave me parameters but I did the reworking, and afterwards he asked what I thought and I said, “it looks like someone else’s very impressive work but I suppose I did all those things.” Imposter syndrome, sigh.)
I also sadly agree with anon @ 6:07 above, I had only one “cold” interview after a full year of applying and didn’t get the gig, whereas I had at least 3 contacts (1st and 2nd degree) at my current (new) job. Don’t get me wrong, I think merit should get you the job, but your resume likely isn’t even getting to a person who would look at it for merit and not just job listing buzzwords. Your network may get your resume looked at but _you_ have to still get the job.
Donnyandbuster
Why don’t you send your cover letter and resume to different people you respect? They’re all going to give you some different opinions and advice, and likely things you haven’t considered. Also, remember to change your application slightly for each job.
Source: someone pretty decent at getting interviews from cold applications (just not the actual job offer:D)
The original Scarlett
Are you paying attention to the experience level the postings are looking for? 20 years is going to be seen as really senior for a junior role, and you might be bounced just based on that (and therefore feeling more rejected). I second all the advice to network – cold applications tend to go to the bottom of the pile. I’d also make sure your marketing materials are crisp and up to date (no multipaged resumes and instead a well-designed one, cover letters that actually tell a story and aren’t done in a formulaic/AAM style, etc.) There are so many applications that look the same, for lack of a better description, to get traction I recommend standing out a bit more, but in a good way – less lawyer, more consultant/MBA.
Ellen
It is probably a little of all 3. You cannot change your past, or the job market (terrible) but think of the positive. You are currently employed in-house in a time when others have nothing and would love to have your job, so tread carefully. Do not loose sight of these facts, and nurture your relationships in-house with your current employer, as they can be rutheless if they find out you don’t want to stay. This is NOT the time for you to say I am better then this job. I had that issue when I had a job serving supeenies and other legal processes, and I had a law degree, but it wasn’t until I got my job did they even know I wanted out! I would wait for the vaccine, get it and then get my life in order before I dipped my toe in the market.
Anon
I would appreciate some perspective on whether I am catastrophizing and/or otherwise being irrational about climate change. I am 31, married, live in the midwest. I am terrified about climate change. Existentially. Like, wondering how much longer society as we know it will exist. Handmaidens tale, etc. I am having trouble focusing on work because of it, wondering what actions my family should start taking, etc. On some level I am aware I should seek help because this is anxiety that is interfering with my life. On the other hand, I am feeling like this anxiety is appropriate and I should trust my fear.
Anonymous
I think you do need therapy because of the degree to which this is interfering in your life, but you’re also not wrong. Climate change IS an existential threat. I’m trying to make my peace with it. We may not be able to live as long as we hoped and provide stable futures for our children, but we can enjoy the time we have left and try not to hasten the process too much. I view it as kind of like having anxiety about your own mortality – death is hard to accept and it’s a scary thing, but you can’t walk around all day being terrified of having a heart attack, right?
anon
You hit the nail on head – it is interfering with your life, it is time to seek professional help. In parallel, you may also think what you can do as individual to make situation better (volunteering, being more active in local government, supporting responsible manufacturers only etc).
Walnut
Personally, I think you’re catastrophizing, but can you channel this anxiety in a productive manner? Can you take more action to reduce your carbon footprint? Lean in hard to a zero waste lifestyle? Start researching concrete actions that you can implement in your daily life to minimize your personal contribution to the problem.
Anon
This is inappropriate.
People will ALWAYS say that things are worse than they are to get attention and force a sense of urgency. The real issue with environmental degradation is not complete overwhelming of our ecosystems within a matter of years; it’s a slow, gradual downfall. But if you say “Things in fifty years are going to be worse than they are now, but we’ll be slowly adapting,” no one will get off their butts.
Anon
It depends what you care about. I don’t think we’re all going to die in climate wars in my lifetime. But if it’s about something like endangered species, habitats, and extinctions? People massively downplay this; it’s much worse already than people assume.
Anonymous
Pillow spray? I was using a lavender and chamomile pillow spray at night, I found it very calming. My preferred spray has been discontinued and I have tried a couple of others but they mix lavender with woody patchouli notes that I don’t like. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
I used to use the This Works lavender pillow spray but have to warn you one day after using it nightly for 6 months straight got a horrible allergic rash all over my face from it. Apparently this is very common with those sprays, not that brand in particular. I have very non-reactive skin so I was shocked. I use an essential oil diffuser instead now.
CHL
I like the l’Occitane one and actually the Grove collective has an essential oil for sleep that you can mix with water and spray that is also good.
Headachey
I recently started using the This Works Deep Sleep Pillow Spray, and like it a lot – it’s lavendar, vetiver, and chammomile, and lasts long enough for me to fall asleep but doesn’t linger forever.
Anonymous
Op, thanks, I will look for L’Occitane, I love their products.
Anonymous
Have you tried the Aura Cacia brand? I haven’t tried their mists but liked some of their essential oil blends in the past. I put a few drops of just plain lavender oil on a paper towel and leave it on a coaster on my bedside table overnight in a pinch.