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When I was rounding up different ideas for what to wear to an office holiday party, I was excited to see how many sparkly, sequined tops there were! I think it's a really flexible look that you can dress up (add equally crazy pants or a full skirt) or down, with jeans, as pictured.
These 1.State camisoles have been reader favorites for a long while in their regular versions — it's nice to see them in sparkly ones.
The pictured top comes in regular sizes in white and black, and is $69.
(I swear it was in plus sizes before, as well — keep an eye out if they come back in stock.)
The brand also has dresses, skirts, and more in sequins and velvet (in regular and plus sizes). Vince Camuto also has a bunch of options in this price range for regular and plus sizes.
I'll add a few of the other great party tops I found, below the disclosures…
Readers, are you getting sparkly party tops like this? What are you pairing them with this fall?
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Some of the other great party tops we found in our recent Hunt include:
11/4/24 Update: Sephora is offering 30% off the entire Sephora Collection through 11/11!
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – 11/5 only – 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sybil
I’m very tempted by that black long sleeve vneck Ann Taylor sequin top. I just got a short sleeved cream one from Loft that I love – that too and the green velvet skinny pants will be hitting a couple events this December. Now I just need a fun party purse.
Anonymous
I love the Ann Taylor sequin houndstooth shell in the image roll.
If I were part of the ITBC, I’d get that as an annual Christmas top for the next ten years.
Coach Laura
Not being part of the IBTC, I ordered the silver sequin wrap top and I hope I like it.
Anon
Thanksgiving chicken Entrée Recs Please! I’m going to be solo for Thanksgiving again this year, and need help finding a main dish to make for myself. This is basically the only day of the year I put effort into cooking anything beyond ground beef or eggs, so not something too complex, but I’ll be home all day to watch things or rotate as needed.
Not into turkey or ham so I’m thinking chicken instead, and I prefer thighs. Last year I did bacon wrapped chicken breast in my slow cooker but it came out drier than I’d like.
Only sides I have planned for sure are biscuits.
Anon
Cornish game hen could be fun! No specific recipe ideas, though.
Anon
Funny story. If you go the cornish game hen route, I would make an extra or two. My SIL invited two extra people to my house the day of Thanksgiving. My main dish was a game hen for each guest. I did not have extra hens for this couple and it was a little awkward. Besides the extra people, they were a big hit!
Anon
Your SIL, tho! No game hen for you, sis. Go sit at the kids’ table.
Anon
We always overcook for holidays because there’s usually a few people who get last minute invites, we are very much a more the merrier family!
Anon
I always do a game hen or a turkey bone-in, skin on breast that has herby breadcrumbs stuffed under the skin. The hen is just right for one meal and one pot of soup for left-overs. Soup, salad, sides and pie. For me me me! I even serve different wines for the different courses: pinot noir to go with the bird, a light white for the first course, sometimes a little champagne for the early-afternoon snack.
Anon
https://www.thespruceeats.com/marinated-boneless-chicken-thighs-2121900#:~:text=Pargiot%20means%20either%20%22chicken%20thighs,refer%20to%20Cornish%20game%20hens).
Her suggestions for side dishes look great too!
Anonymous
Barefoot Contessa roasted chicken on top of onions, potatoes, and carrots.
Ellen
This sounds like my Wedding Chicken recipe. I think I will have Rosa come over on the Friday after Thanksgiving b/c I have a breif to prepare for submission on Monday, and I never get much work done @ my parents with all of the food left over from Thanksgiving. So I will return early Friday morning and meet Rosa after lunch b/c she has the day off. I think she will appreciate having a good meal, b/c she has been so busy preparing for the marathon this weekend; she has lost over 10 pounds! I wish that was me–I have at least 10 extra pounds in my tuchus alone! But I am not atheletic enough to do the marathon. Too much running. I prefer relaxation in front of the TV!
Hypatia
On this, I agree with Ellen. The marathon is simply too much running.
UpTheRebels
Ellen! I was worried about you! I wasn’t sure if I was missing your comments, or you had stopped posting. Delighted to hear about your tuchus again!
Greensleeves
Not thighs, but one of my favorite chicken dishes is this one from Smitten Kitchen: https://smittenkitchen.com/2020/04/roast-chicken-with-schmaltzy-cabbage/. It’s easy, the cabbage is delicious, and you can always use the leftover chicken in something else!
Seafinch
This is a weeknight staple all winter at our house.
Coach Laura
I made this for the first time last week and we were in heaven. Can’t wait to make it again.
little baker mouse
Roast chicken! Bonus – you get so many delicious meals out of just one chicken.
If you don’t want to roast a whole chicken just for yourself (though – why not? I’ve eaten most of a whole roast chicken solo and I’m not ashamed to admit it ;) ) – Country Captain chicken is delicious – search for the Saveur recipe. It would go with your biscuits.
Braised chicken in the classic au vin (with red wine) style is comforting and reheats well, too.
NYNY
Not an actual recipe, but I’ve been roasting bone-in skin-on chicken thighs in a large cast iron skillet. Season the meat with salt and start in a hot oven – probably 400 F or so – with the skin side down to crisp. While those are roasting, slice at least as many shallots as you have thighs into lengthwise strips. When the skin is crisp and browned, take the pan out, flip the thighs, and scatter the shallots in the rendered fat around the meat and put it back in the oven. When the meat is fully cooked, take the pan out and brush a mixture of dijon mustard, maple syrup, and fresh sage over the thighs and put the whole thing back in the oven for 5-10 minutes for the sauce to glaze the chicken. The shallots come out caramelized and yummy, and it all tastes like Thanksgiving. It’s easy to roast a sheet pan of another veggie (or combo of veggies) at the same time.
Anon
This is so good! https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1015290-garlicky-chicken-with-lemon-anchovy-sauce.
AIMS
+1 – I don’t know if it goes with biscuits but it’s amazing over rice or potatoes.
Anon
I’d roast a whole chicken. It’s festive, you can eat the thighs and legs as is and use the breasts for chicken salad or other things. You can simmer the carcass with veggie scraps and make chicken soup. Meals for days!
For method, I’m partial to Molly Stevens. I make a lot of roast chickens and I think her method is the best.
Anon
https://www.mollystevenscooks.com/recipes-words/blog-post-title-three-hfk53
Anon
I love smitten kitchen’s chicken and dumplings. It makes a lot so you have fabulous leftovers and hits the biscuit note in the same dish.
Anon
https://smittenkitchen.com/2007/12/chicken-and-dumplings/
anon
Not chicken but cooking a personal beef wellington is a nice treat! Buy a filet and scale down Gordon Ramsay’s recipe.
Otherwise I’d cook Marcella Hazan’s tomato sauce and use it for chicken parmesan.
Anon
A fun question for a Friday afternoon!
My sister and I are making each other “doldrums advent calendars” as our Christmas gifts to each other. I saw the idea on here to save an advent calendar for the dead of winter when things are truly dark and miserable, rather than for Christmas when things are happy and cheerful and winter has just begun. We decided it’d be more fun to DIY this with 30 (for a month, rather than 24 of advent) little treats, and since the fun adult ones are either $$$$ or are overkill in one category (I don’t need 25 mini Bonne maman jars or 12 bottles of wine as a calendar or 25 sheet masks as a calendar)
We’ll exchange these at Christmas, but I think we’re both planning until mid-January (when the spring semester starts, since she’s in school) to open them. I want to get started on putting it together now, since I have more time in my schedule now than I will in later November and December. We both live in the Northeast so winter is very dark, cold, and long. I’m happy to repeat ideas (three facemasks are fine, 25 is overkill!), nothing needs to be omg spectacular but hopefully each thing will bring a little bit of joy, and hopefully most of the gifts could be used that day.
A few ideas I have include:
– A nice lip balm or hand cream
– A nice chocolate bar or other “fancy” snack
– Get a set of Dazzle Dry minis and split them up (so 1 mini set covers 5 days).
– Maybe a few mini jars of jam or Nutella or something
– Airplane bottles of tequila (the 1 liquor she drinks)
Consumables in any form are great, we’re both not fans of unnecessary stuff (she’s extremely practical). She drinks coffee but only has a regular machine so no K-cup/Nespresso pods, also drinks tea but not much of a tea experimenter (earl gray, English/irish breakfast)
Since we’re doing so many of these, I don’t want to spend more than approximately $5/day. She enjoys exercising (does triathlons and half marathons and plays on a club sports team), reading, entertaining and socializing, hiking/the outdoors, and is starting to get into crafting and baking/cooking. Likes candles and flowers, some skincare things. Drinks wine and beer but not much liquor. Not a huge sweet tooth. Lives alone, late 20s, single, very social with a big group of friends, works FT hybrid and is in grad school part time. Loves to travel but doesn’t do it much now she’s in school.
Anonymous
What a fun idea for a Christmas gift!!
pugsnbourbon
This is a fantastic idea and I love it.
Target often has an endcap with tiny sizes of high-end skincare and haircare. I’d hit that to fill up a few days. Carabiners for hiking. New shoelaces in a fun color. Pens or other stationery for grad school. A tiny bottle of Grand Marinier to go with the tequila (unless she drinks tequila straight, in which case she can bake with the GM). Maybe some mezcal for variety if you can find it. Nice vanilla or saffron (more than $5). Luggage tags. Cute little pouches to keep tiny things organized.
Anon8
Fun! I love this idea! I would hit up the mini section of Sephora by the register for lots of fun goodies.
Other ideas based on her interests: fun stickers or stationery from jetpens or mochithings, nice bookmark, mini embroidery or cross stitch kit (I think they have those for cheap at Michaels type places), exercise headbands or scrunchies, socks, hand sanitizer, luggage tag, temporary tattoos from Tattly, reusable straws, a mini jar of a spice from Penzys, vanilla extract paste, a magazine, movie ticket voucher, dish towel, reusable shopping bag, fancy bar of soap,
Anon
-SPF lip balm for running in winter.
-World Market for small bags of fancy ground coffee
-Her gels of choice for races (HoneyStinger, Blox, etc)
-Electrolyte drink mixes
-Running gloves
-Sephora store for mini sizes, or get a Hello! kit and break it up over several days
Anonymous
– Fun bitters or mixers? I’ve seen some packs (don’t remember where, sorry!) that have a few smaller bottles so you could split those up with one bottle a day?
– A nice brand of a tea she likes? Or a nicer bag of coffee?
– I feel like every 20something has too many mugs, but if she doesn’t a mug? I’m pretty sure Target sells some in the $5 range
– Stationary or cards
– Like the bitters idea, a trio of mini candles split up to be 3 days?
– Pressed flowers?
– Not the best quality, but I have a few pairs of very cheap hoop earrings. They’re so popular now, even though they’re not consumable she’d probably wear them. Could do gold or silver toned and a few different sizes.
– I’m pretty sure Target sells stationary kits with fun highlighters, sticky notes, paperclips, pushpins. You could do this and once again split it to a few days.
– Something for crafting? A skein of cheaper yarn if she knits/crochets, a few paintbrushes or individual paints, some new beads
– Cute, seasonal dishtowels or bath towels?
– A non-Christmas but seasonal decoration
– If you’ll see her during the duration of the calendar, some baked goods.
– Since she’s a runner: running socks or gloves or ear warmer?
– Some fun travel size toiletries?
– Nail kit (Clippers, file, buffer)
– Mini perfume kit (also split up)
– Split up a Sephora holiday gift set if there’s a type of makeup she likes (like a trio of lipsticks split into 3 days)
– Mini fun olive oils or vinegars
– Good (abuelita) hot cocoa mix
– Hair clips
– Cute matches/match holder/striker to go with the candles?
– Bubble bath or epsom salt
– Mini succulents or plants (if you’ll see her during the calendar)
– Resuable shopping or produce bag
– If she’s eco-friendly, you could do a few eco swaps: Swedish dishtowels, reusable baggies, concentrated cleaner, cotton rounds, reusable straws or travel utensils, bar shampoo.
– Cord organizers
– A fancy soap or body wash
– A card game if she likes hosting game nights
– Cute coin purse or mini pouch
– Jade roller
– I’d head to the $5 section at Target or TJ Maxx and look there too!
Anonymous
If you can’t tell, stocking stuffers are my favorite part of Christmas :)
Vicky Austin
Taking so many notes – this is a great gift idea and a great list!
Anon
I love this, except for the running sock idea. My running socks cost $16/pair and I’m picky AF about them (thickness, cushioning).
OP
Yeah, we both run and love Balega socks, which are more but maybe I’ll splurge a day or two and get her a pair. Or, maybe that’s what I’ll get her to open on Christmas Day
Anon
Give her 1 sock for 2 days and it will be only slightly over budget but very funny.
OP
Oh that is hilarious, I love it!
Anonymous
I would absolutely do something like this for a sibling for laughs, imagine her slightly puzzled to open a package with only 1 sock, and a note from you saying “don’t worry, the other one is included for another day”
Anon
That is really funny. I’d do it with handknit socks too. (Handknit socks are the best and if you don’t knit you can buy them on Etsy)
OP
It’d also be funny to not give the socks on consecutive days
Anonymous
Does she enjoy gardening? For actual gardening, little seed packets of chili seeds to grow in January, or maybe some basil to do whenever. For corporette style gardening, small packets of condoms or lube could be nice, if relevant to her, or a bullet vi**ator.
If she uses a lanyard at school or work, a fancy lanyard clip or strap.
If she does crafts related to yarn or sewing: embroidery scissors. They are golden for snipping yarn and thread, very handy.
For travel, second languages could be fun. A small gift card to a skill share platform to get 30 min of conversation or maybe a food related lesson?
If she likes scents, she might enjoy a day with a packet of lots of different perfume samples that you’ve gotten from perfume counters, maybe with a sachet of coffee beans to help with the sniffing.
Small tin of tiger balm or roll of sports tape for the sporty stuff? Tub of liquid Compeed.
Scratch card?
Baking: pastry blender thingy or silicone pastry mat or brush.
Beer: beer. A fun can of a silly or weird beer.
Anonymous
Cute idea!
When I was in grad school I cut back on getting coffee out, even though I loved lattes. How about a few $5 coffee shop gift cards so she can treat herself to a coffee or a pastry?
I like to go to Goodwill and find neat vases or glassware and the like.
I also hate clutter but I have a soft spot for little ring dishes and the like. A great housewarming gift I got from a friend was a pretty cheese knife on sale from Anthro. Fun wine bottle stoppers or a good wine opener?
A cheap Michael’s wooden picture frame and some paint to paint it?
Anonymous
Same idea as the coffee – either bring her flowers one day if you’ll see her, or not $5 or $10 with a note to use it to buy flowers that day.
Anonymous
One of my ways to fight the doldrums is to try to keep the holiday concept of lights and cheeriness up throughout the winter.
I have a little disco ball in my kitchen that brings me joy and I have the “grandma” electric candles in my windows all winter long. Neither are “Christmas decorations” (I know some use the candles as Christmas decor, but my grandma kept them up year round) so they don’t look out of place in January but they’re still bringing some light to my apartment. So, to that end maybe disco ball, electric candles, or other lights to bring some cheer to her apartment?
Anonymous
Pair of socks – they can be fun if she’d wear them or a blue black gray type color if that’s what she’d prefer.
Surge protector – not the most fun gift but they get used in apartments
Flash drive – always nice to have an extra around esp in school
Cell phone charger – same
Umbrella – same
Flash light – same
Nice pen or pack of pens – uniballs or gel pens tend to be nicer but more expensive
Less practical ideas that are more fun which people have covered – nice chocolate, cookies, or chips. Whole Foods has a nice section of those things as small or single serve packages, often foreign brands, and I’m sure other fancy grocery stores do too, so it’s good for one days’ gift. Uber eats her a meal or baked good for a place she likes – more than 5 dollars but that could be if you wanted to spend more money one day. 5 dollar gift card anyplace.
A practical question, how are you actually getting this too her? Like will you exchange boxes at Christmas with gifts wrapped to be opened Jan 15, 16 etc or will you mail her a thing daily? I’d love to do this but not sure how unless people see each other daily.
OP
We live about 30 mins apart, so I’ll probably see her a few times during it but not daily (so I might save a few days as baked goods or flowers or I’ll buy you coffee when we’re together).
We both spend Christmas with our parents so I was planning on giving it to her all at once on Christmas Day and then we’ll treat it like any other advent calendar where all of the gifts are there but you only open one a day.
anon
– I love Poppy & Pout lip balm, specifically the sweet mint.
– Running socks, hiking socks.
– A pretty book mark or book darts.
Anon
Some great ideas already listed! I just went on Amazon under their “stocking stuffer” and sorted by under $10 and here are some ideas that popped up:
– Blue light glasses
– Yoga mat strap
– Resistance bands
– A buff for hiking
– A stress ball
– Fidget toys
– Satin pillowcase
– Slippers
– Camping towel
– Cookie cutters
– Massage ball
– Exfoliating glove or scrubber
– Bath bomb
– Cute notebook or journal
– Cute cocktail napkins or coasters for hosting
– Soduku or crossword book
– Headlamp or flashlight
– Travel size wet brush
– Milk frother for her coffee
– Beauty blender
– Scalp massager
– Running waist belt
– Some cooking utensil. Does she need another whisk, spatula, spoon?
– I never bothered to buy myself a pizza cutter or an ice cream scoop, so if she needs those?
– Blemish patches
– Tea lights and holders
– Cheese knives
– Press on nails
– Adult coloring book or colored pencils
– I saw a cute mini Bob Ross paint by numbers
– Citrus juicer, garlic press, meat thermometer, other fun small kitchen gadget
– Trivet or pot holders
– $5 gift card
– Cute consumable baking supplies: decorative cupcake wrappers, sprinkles, candles, cake decorating supplies
– Cloth napkins or placemats or napkin rings
– Travel toiletry bag
– Compact mirror
Some other ideas:
– A fun granola
– Something for her sport? I play on a soccer team and an extra pair of shinguard socks would be great
– ELF makes cheap but (IMO) pretty high quality skincare and makeup. You could get her a fun few products for within your budget.
– Small bird feeder
JM
Curious what the receptacle for this will be?
OP
I was planning on wrapping each one (not sure why I’m insisting on torturing myself lol). I’m not a great wrapper, so they won’t look nice but they’ll be covered. I’ll likely just use old newspaper since it’s a lot of wrapping and wrapping paper is wasteful. Our parents still get the paper delivered, so I’ll just borrow the paper from them.
I figure I’ll put all the wrapped gifts in a basket or a reusable shopping bag (either just lending her an extra I have laying around or making that one of the gifts).
We’ll also likely give each other a little something (probably a book) to open on Christmas morning, but this is the real gift.
anon
Ask your parents to reserve the puzzle section every day for the next 30 days and use that as an added bonus. Or the comics section, if she’s not a puzzler.
Anon
As a puzzler, I would love this.
Anonymous
is she into hydration packets, protein bars, or protein powders? Clean Simple Eats has a lot of flavors and single-packet servings you can buy as singles
maybe a rare spice with a recipe to use it (e.g., saffron, black garlic)
fun tea
a bottle of mezcal or a tasting of anejo, reposado, etc tequilas
jalapeño bitters or something that go well with tequila
maybe a makeup item outside her comfort zone like sparkle eyeshadow or colored mascara with links to influencers showing how to use it
Senior Attorney
You know what goes great with tequila? A fresh lime! And they’re had to find in winter. So…
Anon
Like your sister, I love practical gifts.
– If you know what makeup or skincare she likes, could you get her some of that? Even if she doesn’t use it for a few months until what she has runs out, it’s nice to already have it and not have to buy it!
– I went ahead and bought a pack of 50 birthday cards so I always have some on hand, but in that vein: other cards (thank you, sympathy, holiday, no occasion/blank that have a pretty design), wrapping paper or gift bags + tissue paper.
– Tupperware
– Small tool kit
– Crank-able flash light
– Extra battery pack for phone
– Batteries
– Extra long phone charging cable
– Picture frame
– Hiking, running, or skiing socks
– Bamboo toothbrushes or a pack of toothbrush heads if she uses an electronic one.
– If she uses Billie or Flamingo razors, a pack of razor blades.
– If she has coin op laundry, $5 in quarters. Or money to load a laundry card if she has that. Or, going with the laundry theme: reusable dryer balls (that act like dryer sheets).
ToS
These are some of the practical items that I’ve picked up lately:
Decorative match boxes from the Mexican Geniuses exhibition – they are also all over etsy.
Smaller tea samplings and a pocket-size tonic bottle from Calabash tea – Frida-licious and Octeavia Butler are tasty-tea and not far off from mainstream tea – and their tea names are great. My first warm beverage is coffee, these are great for work-from-home afternoon pickup.
Fun Magnets or stickers, including bumper stickers, in alignment with their interests.
Stamps – they are forever now, so look on the usps website for a match with their interests. Given the “small” aspect – a square of 4 RBGs might be just enough.
Postcards. We don’t use them strictly for mailing – they tuck in well in gift bags for any (matching) occasion.
Happy shopping and creating!
OP
I know she likes sending birthday cards to her friends, so the stamp idea is a great one! And proof that something doesn’t need to be expensive or big to brighten a day. I always just get plain flag forever stamps but love the idea of getting fun ones.
Anon
I think those mini emergency kits (and they have several different ones – wedding, travel, brunch, gym, school, self-care) are unreasonably fun. You could DIY a few of those! They also have “extra mini” ones which are only $12.
You could do like each week is a different theme and at the end of that week’s gifts she has the contents for the XYZ kit.
Anon
I did not know about the Bonne Maman advent calendar! Just ordered it, thank you!
https://www.bonnemaman.us/2022-advent-calendar.html
for anyone interested
Pep
The Bonne Maman advent calendar is available at Sam’s Club, if you happen to be shopping there in the near future. I saw it both in the holiday gift aisle and in the jellies/jam/peanut butter aisle.
Anon
Urban dweller here, so no Sam’s club, but I’m happy to let Bonne sent it to me!
I’m looking forward to tea and toast with a new flavor of jam every day in December!
OP
Thank you all so much! So many good ideas here – this is excellent. We are hoping to make this an annual tradition so I like that there are way more than 30 good ideas here.
Working and going to school is such a slog (I did it pre-pandemic) so I think it’ll be really fun for her to have something to open during the middle of the cold, dark, winter during the semester. I might even do this on a smaller scale for her during midterms and finals too.
I have to thank this board for the idea too. I had seen getting a fun advent calendar but keeping it until later in the winter when we all need a pick me up, and shared the idea with my sister. Neither of us could find an advent calendar we wanted, so we decided to do this. This board is also so great about embracing the winter and making it less miserable, which I think this will help.
Anne-on
I am the exact same (I bought myself an advent calendar and saved it for January last year) – I hate winter and literally start a countdown to March in January ;)
Anon
You can order one of those Sephora favorites kits and knock several days off the 30 in one.
TCFKAG
I got a Advent calendar a few years ago that was entirely made up of the mini jars of jam they have at coffee shops and conferences. I loved it and there were all sorts of interesting flavors – I’m sure you could get a couple different options on line.
Anon
TCFKAG! Amazing to see you back!
Anne-on
I love this! Sephora’s sale is on now and some of their sets are pretty inexpensive – I’d look at getting one or two of those and breaking it up – ideally the votive candle or fun makeup ones. I would also duck into a CVS or gas station and get her favorite ‘road trip’ snacks – I only eat nacho cheese combos on airplanes or roadtrips but I’d be thrilled to get them for this purpose ;)
Anonymous
1/4 c of spices from Penzey’s! Fun washi tape or stickers!
Anon
If she likes Prosecco, La Marca sells a 3 pack of splits. If she’s opening in the morning (when I usually do my advent calendar opening), she could pop it in the fridge and then by the time she’s home from work it will be chilled and she can have it for happy hour or with dinner. It think they’re like $15 for 3 in my state, so in budget and takes care of 3 days.
If you have any friends who do Birchbox or Ipsy, see if they have any unopened samples that they’re not planning on using and use those in the calendar. When I did Birchbox I had a whole bin of samples I didn’t use. I’d have been more than happy for a friend to take them off my hand. Or sign yourself up for a 3 month membership and split what comes in the boxes between you and her.
One year my friend got me a few mug cake mixes for my birthday – you could do those too.
Anon
Interesting salts or spices – could buy a variety pack like from Penzeys and split it up or go to an interesting grocery store and get whatever looks good
Hot sauce
Fancy bookmark
Washi tape or good highlighter – honestly just walking around a Blick or other high-end art store you’d probably find lots of good stuff that is in the genre of fun office supplies
Print out a few pictures of you two
Michael’s sometimes has very small cheap craft kits if she’s so inclined, it’s a fun winter activity
Magazines
Anon
Road ID for her smart watch or shoes. It’s basically a safety identity tag.
Seafinch
A picolo of champagne!
pugsnbourbon
I wore the Target version of this cami with capri jeans and heeled sandals my freshman year of college. Probably a statement belt of some kind as well. Memories.
Anon
Same – I think mine was from H&M and was my go to for ~2000 era holiday parties in college.
Anonymous
Ah yes I remember this look fondly.
Anon
Ahhh the statement belt! It wasn’t an outfit without it!
NYNY
And you looked hot, Pugs!
Seriously, the sudden resurgence of 90s and Y2K fashion is triggering all the clothes memories for me.
anon
I wore this with low cut jeans. My style icon was Marissa Cooper. She would have worn this.
I miss college!
Retire Anon
Did anyone see this? Now I understand why I’ve been seeing the inexplicable.
NYTimes: Who Wears Crop Tops to the Office?
Link to follow
Retire Anon
Who Wears Crop Tops to the Office?
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/02/style/crop-tops-office.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
Anon
I read the article and laughed. Last year, one of our newly licensed attorneys wore a crop top to our office, which is just a smidge more casual than business formal. To her credit, she did spend the whole day hunched over and tugging at the hem of her top, and she only wore it the one time. She’s a bright, hard working woman who is also only 25 or 26 and working for the first time. I know I had to learn how to be professional in my first job, so I just chalk up incidents like these with the newbies as learning experiences (while laughing good naturedly about them to my spouse when I get home).
Anonymous
I thought it was ridiculous that the crop-top-wearers’ most frequent excuse was “why should I spend money on work-appropriate clothes I’ll never wear?” The whole point is that they should be wearing work-appropriate clothes the whole time they are at work! Also, people have always had to spend money on work clothes. That’s just what adults do.
Anon
Work clothes can be cheap. You can always find black slacks and tops at Goodwill or JCPenny. Things like crop tops are trendy so she’s obviously shopping for casual fun clothes all the time.
Anon
The attitude of “why should I spend money on clothes to wear to work” is new to me. My initial reaction is negative but I wonder why I take it for granted that working in an office requires a totally or mostly separate wardrobe from the rest of my life.
BB
But like…isn’t that true of anything you buy for whatever use case? Why should I buy nice dresses to go to a formal event? Why can’t I just go hiking in my sundress and sandals that I wear all the time? Like you have different clothes for different occasions and one of those occasions is work?
Anon
That was confusing to me too. I have gym clothes for my gym workouts and cycling clothes for cycling, and hiking clothes for hiking, etc. Some of my gym clothes could work for hiking, or for cycling, but it works better for me to have the clothes specifically designed for each activity. Similarly, I don’t sleep in the same clothes I wear when I paint walls, or refinish furniture. Different activities; different clothes. Is it really that farfetched to think “work is a different activity from whatever I do in my personal life, and so I need different clothes for work”?
This is how I know I am getting old: the thought processes of younger people make no sense to me, apparently.
Senior Attorney
Last night I actually had this thought: “I am older than young people, and by gum they just don’t know some things that I know, and if they did they wouldn’t think the way they do!” Dadgummit!
Anon
Well those are clothes that serve a different purpose functionally. There is nothing about an office job that makes a crop top or jeans functionally different. Obviously life comes with social norms but it’s worth thinking about.
anon
Exactly.
Anon
Or a funeral?
Just wear the crop top to that, too?
Anon
Ok 29 year old chiming in here: First of all, wow! Can’t believe that these Gen Zs both think that anyone can/should wear a crop top to the office AND that they think “why should I spend money on clothes to wear to work”? That’s crazy. Also – I remember being in my early 20s and I thought it was so fun to dress up for work and commute on the subway and feel like I was living my big city life.
Secondly, give it a few years and you’d be surprised how many clothes do pull double duty. My go-to funeral dress is also one of my go-to work dresses. Several sweaters and a few of my winter tops can easily pull double duty with dress pants for a more casual office day or with jeans on the weekend. Ditto some trendy blazers. And most of my shoes (dressier booties and boots, dressy and heeled sandals, clogs, loafers, mules) pull double duty too. Cute sneaks and jackets are fine for commuting, so long as I take them off as soon as I’m in the office. I LOVE a cute wool coat in the winter – it’s great for work and for other occasions. I wear a pair of trendy, black twill cropped wide leg pants on both work days and weekends. While most work dresses aren’t church, bridal shower, holiday, fancier weekend dinner with older relatives, attending a graduation/baptism/awards ceremony etc. appropriate I have a few that fit for both occasions too.
Most of my work clothes (dress pants, blouses, sheath and a line dresses, non-trendy blazers, most heels) aren’t double duty, but there are quite a few pieces that work in multiple settings.
My current job is more formal, but my last job was dress for your day and so I could wear my burgundy boot cut cords with clogs on casual Fridays and had a few dresses (black tank dresses or t shirt dresses) and pairs of pants (like the Allison pant) that I could wear to both work and on the weekend.
Senior Attorney
All I know is that those crop-top-to-the-office wearers better get off my lawn!
For reals.
Anon
Oh no. No no no no no.
Anonymous
What even is this article. From the first paragraph: “office dress code was business casual: button-up shirts, long skirts (or short skirts with tights) and closed-toe shoes.”
First, most women don’t wear buttoned shirts, the buttons gape across the bust. Blouses or sweaters are better. Second, I long skirts – maxi skirts – are not business attire. Third, short skirts – mini skirts – also are not office appropriate and wearing tights doesn’t make a too-short skirt OK to wear. Knee length, maybe midi length, is what you’re going for. Fourth, peep toe shoes are perfectly fine, your shoes don’t have to be closed toe.
ArenKay
I read this article and encouraged my husband to wear a crop top to his law firm today. Sadly he declined.
Swimmer
I’m planning to keep swimming through the winter, but I do not look forward to the chill. Can anyone recommend a kind of swim outfit (long sleeved, long on legs) that’s not a wetsuit that I could use? I’ll be using a pool, not the ocean, so I don’t need anything too heavy, I *think*. TIA!
Anon
A heated indoor pool? You don’t need any kind of special outfit.
Anonymous
+1
If you’re in an indoor pool, a normal swimsuit will suffice. It might be a tad chilly when you hop in but you’ll warm up quickly while swimming
BB
Wearing more “clothing” in the pool won’t keep you any warmer unless you’re doing a wet/drysuit. If you’re worried about the chill from getting out of the pool, I’d invest in a nice robe for yourself.
Anon
Hydrochic
Anon
Pools are heated in the winter – it’s getting out that sucks! Google “swim parka”. That’s what you want for the mad dash from pool to nice, hot shower.
Anonymous
I find that the more coverage a swimsuit provides, the colder it is.
Anonymous
Check out some of the triathlete swim training suits. I know knee length is easy to find but not sure full length.
Cat
You need a good warm robe-towel next to the pool, not a different swimsuit. Nothing is colder than wet fabric… definitely not wet naked skin that dries off faster without wet fabric over it!
outdoor swimmer
I agree that what you really need is something warm for when you’re out of the pool. I swam in a heated outdoor pool this chilly morning (46 F air temperature) and I was perfectly warm in the pool.
However, a nice luxury if you’re worried about cool air temperature is a neoprene swim cap, like what triathletes use.
If the pool isn’t kept all that warm, then I think you just have to go with a wetsuit plus neoprene swim cap. Wetsuits aren’t the most comfortable for laps, but you soon forget that it’s suboptimal because it keeps you warm enough to continue swimming.
Anonymous
UGG boots are amazing for the way home – you can put them on without dealing with socks
I tend to just walk out with my Aquis towel on my head but I’m fancy like that
TCFKAG
Hey Swimmer – former competive swimmer here – there’s some warmer triathlete suits out there (expensive though) but most people I knew who swam through the winter would continue wearing normal suits and just shorten their swims outside.
I’d suggest at least trying to cross between indoor and outdoor pools but if the pool is heated, I’ve swum outdoors in 40-50 degree (F) weather and been unhappy but fine. Discourages lazing about at the walls.
Anon
Funnygirl on Amazon makes long sleeve swim suits that I use exactly for this purpose.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/stores/Funnygirl/page/84E1233C-33C0-4E20-B82B-961EC8DF185E?ref_=ast_bln
Anon
Look for a swim parka to wear before and after you swim. Speedo and the other swim brands make them.
Anon
As another person who is always cold and swims, I am disappointed in the number of people telling you that you don’t need special swimwear. The need is real, people! I have a neoprene (I think?) bodysuit that I purchased for whitewater canoeing. I wonder if I should try swimming in it? Also—I bought one of the swim caps designed for long-distance cold-water swimming, and that helped me feel warmer in a regular indoor pool.
Anon
OP: The pool is not heated. I already have a swim cap. I have a flannel bathrobe already, but I will look in to the triathlete items recommended. Thank you!
highlander
Seconding Uggs for after. My Minis motivate me!
Anonymous
What are the small things you celebrate that make you happy? Bonus points if you’re single so you’re doing little things for yourself on your own. Also bonus points if you have ideas that work for an apartment dweller – decorating outdoors isn’t an option, not much indoor storage either.
Grew up in a household where we never celebrated anything. Literally I never had a birthday cake or party after age 5 because birthdays were deemed for little kids. The real reason is that my parents were immigrants who just missed home too badly so they fell into this rut of never celebrating holidays or birthdays or day to day little things because they had this attitude of – why bother for just the 4 of us. To them nothing was worth doing because it was without their parents and siblings back home where they used to celebrate big. Making memories for their own kids was NBD. They’d hand us 50 or 100 dollars as a gift for any occasion and that was that. As I’m older and single I feel like I’m falling into the same sad sack mentality of – it’s just me, why bother doing anything. Yet IDK I look at my friends’ lives and I see real joy from little things. Granted a lot of it comes from being partnered or with kids but IDK I feel like having things to look forward to may still feel good. Ideas?
Anon
I feel like being single and childless means every day is Treat Yo Self Day! If I want a fancy coffee drink, or a pedicure, or to buy myself something cute: I do it (I mean, within reason). I can do what I want, when I want. It’s one of the best arguments for being single! I always buy something for myself for my birthday. I love nice things for my apartment, like good linens and fancy candles. I love taking baths. I love to read so I buy a lot of books. Don’t deprive yourself of nice things just because you’re single. And celebrate birthdays and milestones with your friends!
PolyD
That’s such a great attitude!
anon
Yes!! I have no one to answer to so sure I can get an impromptu pedicure, go to happy hour after work and have appetizers for dinner, buy a new face mask and have an at-home spa evening. I also observe the holy occasion of Friday 5pm cocktails in my apartment. No matter what my plans are for the evening I make an elaborate drink as soon as my laptop shuts. Living alone means I get to play whatever music or trashy reality tv I want while I enjoy the cocktail.
anonshmanon
Birthdays, promotions and raises, some holidays (meaning both official things like 4th of July, but also national burrito day etc), also special dinners for when friends or family are visiting.
Anonymous
I refer to this tweet: https://twitter.com/simoncholland/status/653906361823154176?lang=en
(I have purchased cakes for paying off student loans, making partner, my horse’s birthday… you know, whatever)
anon
I always celebrate my horse’s birthday! With a carrot cake, lol.
Anonymous
Buy yourself an actual gift when there’s something to celebrate – birthday plus whichever holidays you celebrate. I’d buy an actual item since you grew up just getting cash.
YMMV vary but I get into some of the national x day – donut day, sandwich day, etc. It’s cheesy but it’s just something to do to be like ok where can I get a really great sandwich for sandwich day.
Also live in an apt so I don’t want to buy and store holiday decor but a few years ago I decorated my bedroom door – basically just wrapped it in shiny Christmas wrapping paper and left it up thru the blah time in Jan. Just fun to look at.
Basically if the thought enters your mind of – why bother, it’s just me – IGNORE it and go do that thing that you thought about. After a while you’ll stop thinking along the lines of why bother.
Anon
So we do half birthdays In my family. It’s really just an excuse to have cake after dinner. If I’m feeling ambitious, I cut a round cake in half and ice it. If not, cupcakes. We sing happy half birthday and we have candles, with one shoved halfway in.
Dr. The Original ...
Honestly, seeing the bonus points for being single and others saying single and childfree as a positive thing is seriously impacting me right now. I’ll be 40 in March (Beware the Ides) and having some FEELINGS about being this single (even though I’ve always been very childfree). I kinda wish there was some way of getting all of the single childfree people in this group into a group to have more ongoing access to that life. I love my married friends and I adore their kids, they also just don’t understand the costs of paying for everything, the having no one to buy the birthday cake or decorate the home or throw the surprise party or whatnot. It feels so lonely in that aspect that being around people who are finding the joy in it is really major for me.
Also, now I wish I had a sister to do the advent calendar thing with because that sounds like so much fun even though I typically abhor the holiday season and just try to put my head down and power through til January 2nd.
Duckles
Same, I’ve been really struggling as well because being single is just expensive and difficult in a lot of ways— from things like the difficulties of moving heavy furniture and being the only single person at most neighborhood events to realizing what a financial disadvantage I’m at compared to couples. I never really cared about marriage and don’t want kids but I definitely didn’t expect how day-to-day exhausting some things would be since the world expects people to be coupled. I have good friends but they’re dropping like flies to pregnancies. Hang in there, it is what it is.
Wheels
I’m really impressed by you all and proud of my friends who have built themselves wonderful lives, homes and careers on their own. I’m child-free and know I have more time to think about my friends but I should do more for them to let them know how wonderful they are. I can’t take them out (there’s still a pandemic going on) but I do post them gifts.
Dr. The Original ...
This makes my heart so so happy, thank you. Sometimes the hardest part is feeling like no one sees me or my feelings so being seen is really impactful <3
Hortencia
Yes! I genuinely enjoy my single life, it’s just finding other likeminded single ladies to be friends with that is the challenge!
Anon
My husband grew up in a family that did not do family vacations of any sort. We celebrate holidays and getaways with vigor in this house. He is the biggest fan ever.
Anon
Take your birthdays off from work every year and do something fun. I started doing this when single and continued when married. Last year, we went to fancy brunch and then a distillery for some quality day drinking while kiddo was in day care.
Celebrate Friendsgiving.
Do girls night out every so often. The marrieds enjoy this too, I promise.
Anon
Ideas as a single apartment dweller myself:
– Seasonal lights (I have 3 strands of 100 lights in different colors that go up between Oct1st and March1st) to celebrate the darker days of fall and winter. Get a plug with a timer and you don’t even have to think about turning them on and off.
– Pizza night at least once a week (usually a frozen pizza) on Friday or Saturday to celebrate another week
– Drinks and dinner with a friend for celebrating raises, completing big projects, making it through a tough work situation or family issue
– A middle of the week day off in the spring to walk around, get coffee, browse the local shops and wander the neighborhood to celebrate the warmer weather
– A middle of the week day off to go to the movies by myself (get the snacks, sit as close as you can to the middle because it’s 2pm and there’s 3 other people in the theater)
– Walk through Marshalls or Michaels craft store to laugh at bad seasonal decor and wonder who buys all that stuff. (smell all the candles)
– An afternoon out with my camera (just my phone camera) to take pictures to celebrate spring flowers and fall leaves
– Ordering half a dozen Birthday cupcakes for myself
– Dinner out with a friend to celebrate birthdays
– Setting out bowls of holiday chocolates or candy (peppermint candy cane hersheys, jellybeans, candy corn)
– Have a bottle of wine and make a cheese and meat board for dinner (video call with a friend or have a friend come over to partake)
– Spring clean all the nooks and dusty places with the windows wide open and music playing
– Mark the shortest and longest days of the year on the calendar
– Rereading a favorite book that reminds you of a time or place in your life
– Saving the finale of a TV Show for a special occasion or making a special occasion out of watching the final episode (A dark room and beverage and a snack)
–
Anon
This is such a great list!
Ness
Thursdays is pizza & favorite serie and now I am waiting to see the finale of the Good fight. Not sure if I am going to be able to save it for later..
(Any suggestion in the same level?: Downton Abbey, The good wife, The americans, to replace The good fight?).
Anonymous
I mark big occasions with jewelry – I’ve never had a big jewelry budget but definitely bought myself a necklace to mark the completion of a big jury trial, for a major birthday, etc.
Tina
My family does go all out for everything, and its something I’ve tried to emulate with friends. Definitely celebrate the silly holidays, like national pancake day. Send cakes or champagne for friends promotions and other work events. Make a big deal of accomplishments in their hobbies (local competitions, etc). For some unknown reason, we celebrate only my sisters half birthday and no one elses – a lot of bakeries will sell you half a cake, people order them all the time for babies 6 month days! Sometimes people stop giving birthday gifts at some point – don’t do that, it can be an edible gift or flowers but send something. Give little gifts like the whole advent thread here today.
Senior Attorney
And also it’s a cliche but giving to others makes me feel great. Sponsor a family for Christmas, or just pick a kid off an angel tree and get them the gift they want and drop it off, then take yourself out for a celebratory drink with a friend. Do a volunteer shift at the food pantry and get to know the clients. Bonus is that often you will meet like minded people who can become friends!
Hortencia
In terms of decorating, I’m also in a small apartment with limited storage. I like seasonal candles for a little celebratory touch, because you can just use them up then you’re done.
Solo trips are nice for celebrating wins, like finishing a difficult project or something. Honestly just taking a day off work feels like a celebration!
Family dysfunction always made it feel like we either didn’t celebrate things or what was supposed to be a celebration was just a stress-fest, and that’s something I’m still coming to terms with. The point is, now you get to decide what you want to celebrate and how you want to celebrate it, especially as a single and child free person, and I think that’s kind of beautiful.
Anon
I really enjoy decorating my home for the holidays. It doesn’t need to be a ton of work but hanging up a wreath for winter holidays or a few ghosts for Halloween on my tree makes me smile and helps me be more aware of the change in the seasons, which helps me feel more present.
Anon
Note- I love coffee shops, work outs, reading. Would replace these below with your hobbies.
Everyday Life Edition:
– If there’s a “pop culture” event I’m looking forward to, I really anticipate it and enjoy it. If a book comes out that I want to read, I’ll plan a weekend around it, decide where I want to read it depending on the theme and weather etc. A new release in theaters gets a weekend matinee (or I’ll even take a weekday off if I have the PTO). TV shows and Netflix movies get a designated spot on my calendar (often Sunday nights) and popcorn + a fun drink.
– if I’m anticipating a work or life win I keep a bottle of sparkling fruit juice in the fridge (I don’t drink) to pop open. I do this every couple of months- I got a personal best on a work out. I closed a big project. I finished my taxes etc.
Holiday Edition:
– I take my birthday off and have a treat myself day. Work out class, brunch, going for a walk, visiting a coffee shop, dinner with friends (that I plan) etc
– wear green on St Patrick’s day because it makes me smile
– celebrate the first day of summer with iced coffee on the patio and fall/winter with a fancy hot coffee (these are random days I declare when the weather turns)
– walk downtown to see the 4th of July fireworks with or without friends
– Reese’s pumpkins for Halloween (I don’t really eat them/candy other times)
– I draw my own little Thankful Turkey in November and do it every morning
– cuddling up with hot chocolate and Christmas movies multiple times in December. Elf is my absolute favorite.
– designated reflection and resolution time around New Years (because I love it- avoid if doesn’t make you feel good).
Anonymous
You have some great ideas here! One other suggestion – handwritten cards to people you care about. Even the most Scroogey people love getting mail. I’m single, child free, apartment dweller, late 30s- friends and family across the country look forward to my notes and cards, and I started getting them back a few years after I started. It doesn’t take up much space in my house, I buy fun stamps, and I even decorate the envelopes sometimes to make the postal workers smile. (Source- friend is a mail carrier)
Anon
I work for a well-off elderly woman who employees household staff. I do her books and keep an eye on her finances. She had a handyman (female) who routinely caused a lot of trouble, turns out she drank on the job. This handyman also let her billing slide to the point that she would be more than a year off. She finally flounced out a year ago, saying she’d return if “begged,” and is just now billing for 2020. She demanded separate checks for each of three months; I wrote her one check for $12k. She sent it back demanding three.
I don’t want to indulge her tantrums, and we still need to pay her for another 18 months of backlog. I guess it must be nice not to need money regularly, but it’s not really my problem. We’ve asked for ALL outstanding bills, because we’re not trying to ignore her. She refuses. We think she doesn’t have a leg to stand on legally for any kind of suit or government agency complaint, since she’s under the table with no written or oral agreement. She can’t report the client to the IRS for non-payment of household wages and taxes, because then she’d have to report her own under the table income (years worth, $35k a year). She is just an unpleasant person to deal with, and my client wants it DONE, but this person is just controlling and manipulating the situation.
Can she dictate terms in any way? Only because she’s used to getting her way? Thanks for the vent.
ToS
Under the table employment doesn’t help your employer or her. If there are any electronic communications, they (whoever she complains to) might be able to demonstrate the connection. Could she be considered an independent contractor given the billing?
Given that you want to process many more months of billing, this might not be the hill to die on. Depositing a large check draws attention, and if she’s using one of those check-cashing places because banking isn’t her thing – write it for a local bank and tell her to cash it there with her ID.
If she was more rational, this would be a decent situation for community mediation – resulting in an agreement, payment, and closure.
May your next maintenance person be reliable, pleasant, and, well, boring.
No Face
Take a look at the rules for independent contractors versus employees. Billing sounds like contractor behavior, not employee behavior. There’s no need to withhold taxes for a contractor- you just pay the bill. Maybe an employment attorney in your jurisdiction would be helpful.
If she’s a contractor, say that you are closing the books for 2020 and 2021 and you will need all invoices for those years by X date. Many of my clients would refuse to pay invoices even a few months late, let alone years.
Lizard
Rather than ask her for all outstanding bills, which she may not have her ish together enough to provide you with, I recommend doing a “Final Close Out Letter” for her employment, which specifies one lump final payment that your client will make that is intended to cover all outstanding bills and liabilities of your client and after which no further payment will be due. Ask the contractor to propose an amount and if your client thinks is how much she is owed in total, pay it and be done, if you’re comfortable and able to do that without her itemizing everything. To be clear, this should be an executable contract that both parties sign and are bound by.
Senior Attorney
This.
And, gently, much of this is on you/your employer for not insisting on timely billing and payment. Presumably going forward you/she will institute some systems to avoid a repeat.
BB
Off topic, but I’m curious how you got this job if you’re open to sharing? I sometimes wonder how I’ll handle my finances and everything when I’m much older and less “with it,” and hiring someone with good judgement to do this sounds like a great option!
Anon
OP: I knew her from when I worked at a non-profit whose board she was on. I’ve also gotten referrals from CPAs and friends who know what I do for a living. I’m from a similar social background to my clients, from the same neighborhood, and so I know where they shop, what organizations are supported, normal expenses, etc. I keep an eye out for financial abuse from their home health aid, report to adult children as needed. I care very much about my clients’ well-being.
This particular employee has been the only nightmare. We tried to get legal assistance early this year to finish it off, but the person refused to communicate. I urged my client for years to do the household employee returns, but she always refused. You can’t force ’em to comply, just relate the consequences if they don’t.
I’ve been in favor of the lump sum pay-off, but the person refuses checks of more than $3k or so at a time. She thinks she’s being clever in her banking (um, no). It’s just a nightmare. Thanks, all.
Kiki
I want to treat myself to diamond studs.
Curious:
– where do people buy fine jewelry online? Or in person?
– what is your favorite size and shape?
Right now I’m leaning toward 1.5tcw round studs from Blue Nile. But it’s overwhelming!
Anon
I bought a 2 CT diamond band from Noemie and LOVE the quality, sparkle, all of it. Highly recommend.
Em
I think BN is generally fine. I have a gemologist friend who was liked me around to vendors she knew at a jewelry show to get mine. She said not to worry about inclusions and just go for sparkle and fire for earrings. No one can tell, so getting something with no inclusions or higher in the scale adds nothing but expense. I think I have SI3s?
Senior Attorney
I never heard that advice but it makes sense. I have a little black dot winking at me from the middle of my engagement diamond but I can only see it through a jeweler’s loupe and people are always saying how pretty and sparkly it is.
Anon
I got mine from Brilliant Earth. They have a showroom in NYC now and that’s where I went. I think the size depends on your proportions. I’m 5’4″ and slim and I found the 1.5ctw look enormous on my ears. I went with 1ctw, round, yellow gold. I’m really happy with them and wear them every day. My BFF has 1.5 ctw ones and they suit her well.
Anon
Kojima pearl is my go-to for gifts for myself, but I’m not a diamond person.
Anne-on
I saw some advice online that was so basic but smart and I’ve done it for multiple things – for fine jewelry identify what you want, and buy a good dupe (Nordstrom has great CZ studs btw). Wear them around and see if you like them/how they fit into your life. If you find out you do like them/the size works/etc. THEN buy the real deal and you can travel with the fakes.
I would start with these: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-set-of-2-cubic-zirconia-stud-earrings/5214266?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=040
Anon
Lightbox are lab-created and very reasonably-priced (for diamonds). Recommend.
Anon
I ended up getting moissanite studs instead and wear them daily. I am a big fan of diamonds though but this scratched the real enough itch, and was a lot less expensive. Just mentioning if that’s your jam.
Anon
Just want to share a recommendation for the J. Crew Factory crewneck sweater in “extra soft” yarn. It’s snowing today where I am, and this is a really cozy sweater – warm without being itchy. Machine wash, dry flat and I’ve worn mine a few times now and it hasn’t pilled. I have it in the emerald green color but just ordered three more in other colors; I can already tell these will be a WFH workhorse for me this winter.
Anon
I’m not sure it’s the same one but I have a crewneck “beach sweater” from JCF and it’s PERFECT. I would wear it every day if I could.
Anonymous
Good to know. I’ve had my eye on these.
Anon
I have these from several different winters and they are winners. (Provided they’re the same now as then.)
Big Sister
Vent!
My younger brother (24) just announced that his girlfriend of less than a year is pregnant and they were having a small private wedding the weekend after Thanksgiving. He has invited my parents and I to come. He has also said he will understand if we cannot make it given the short notice, which I think is his way of giving our parents an out since he knows they are not happy. I will definitely go to support him and am working on the parents now with threats of a breach in the relationship with the soon to be grandchild.
I think he is nuts, but I also acknowledge that he’s trying desperately to do the right thing and that he’s an adult who gets to make his own decisions. My parents are furious. It does not help that they really liked his college girlfriend, hardly know this woman, and are apparently completely convinced that if my brother did not make good money she would have “just gotten rid of it“.
We are all (sans girlfriend) going to be together for Thanksgiving. My mother is furious, my brother is defensive, my father will spend the entire weekend silently watching football, and if my mother makes one more snide remark I am probably going to lose my temper and my brother and I will end up spending Thanksgiving in a bar somewhere.Pray for me!
Anon
Ok just to be clear, your parents are the assholes here. Your brother is an adult and can marry whom he wants, when he wants. I would bend over backwards to support your brother, drop the “he’s nuts”, and otherwise stay out of it.
Anon
+1
Anon
Yes, why the contrast between “college girlfriend” and “this woman”? Ick.
Anon
Right? That poor woman marrying into this family. *shudder*
Big Sister
Oh yikes! I just realized how that looked. “That woman” was my mother’s phrase. I have only met her a few times and for very short interactions, but she seems perfectly nice to me. Perhaps a bit immature and lacking in direction, but those are hardly personality flaws at 24.
Cat
+3
I get this feels weird and rushed and awkward, but your phrasing isn’t good here. Also, 24 is younger than average, but by no means unheard of for marriage…
nuqotw
+1. It sure sounds like your parents are way out of line. There’s a lot of information we don’t have – I guess if she’s an axe murderer your parents have a point. Otherwise, when one person is pregnant by another and the two people announce they are getting married, it’s a done deal. It’s time to be supportive.
Also, what are your parents trying to accomplish with their fury? Either your brother’s imminent marriage is a happy one and your parents have created a whole lot of unnecessary conflict, or else it is unhappy and your parents are burning a bridge they presumably want their son and future grandchild to have.
Anon
Thank you. I was wondering how to say this. Getting married at 24 is a perfectly reasonable choice.
No need to make comments about the college girlfriend. No one but your brother and her were in that relationship and every woman here has a story about “my parents loved him but damn that relationship made me miserable.” Your brother gets to keep the same way about the woman your parents adore.
The comments about “getting rid of it” are nasty. She didn’t climb on top of herself and your brother is obviously an equal participant in her getting pregnant. She is the mother of their grandchild and they need to park their mouths in the off position.
I’m serious: why not just spend Thanksgiving in a bar with your brother and his future wife? She can sober drive.
No Face
+1 24 is a perfectly normal age to have a child and/or get married. I got married at 24, and now that I’m in my mid thirties I’m glad that my baby/toddler stage is over while many of my highly educated friends are just get started with baby 1.
Also, what kind of grandparents don’t want to meet their own grandkid?!
Are you normally the peacemaker in your family? You don’t have the power to change your parents’ views or behavior. Go to the wedding, enjoy meeting your SIL and niece/nephew when the time comes. When your parents gripe, say vague things like “He’s an adult so I’m going to respect his decision and get to know my new family members” and keep it at that.
Anon
This.
Senior Attorney
OMG I wish I knew your mom so I could call her and beg her to chill out and come to her senses. This is the mother of her future grandchild who will, regardless of whether she stays married to your brother, be the gatekeeper of access to said grandchild. It will cost your mother NOTHING to be kind to “this woman” and it will mean the world to somebody who is probably scared and uncertain about her future. Not only that, your brother has (rightly) chosen his new family-to-be over his family of origin and if your mom isn’t careful she is going to lose her relationship with her son.
If you are in LA you and your brother are welcome to come to my house for Thanksgiving.
Anon
Why is he “nuts”? I assume this was an accidental pregnancy, but it’s not his choice whether or not to get rid of it. Even if they weren’t married, he would still have emotional and financial obligations as a father. Unless he has very significant assets and is marrying without a prenup I’m not sure why getting married is so risky or terrible. They can divorce if it doesn’t work out.
Been That Sister
Hugs and prayers. Also, congratulations! Being an aunt is one of the joys of my life. Don’t lose sight of that. For what it’s worth, you’re absolutely right. Your parents have nothing to gain from being furious and skipping the wedding and sooooo much to lose. I speak from experience. About a decade ago, my 22-year-old brother announced his girlfriend was pregnant. My parents were very upset, but they did their very best to support the new parents. The couple is still going strong and welcomed a second child after several years. More importantly, my parents and I both have a really wonderful relationship with my nibling and we’re all very close to my SIL.
I get why you think your brother is “nuts,” but it sounds like he’s a college-educated twenty-something who is getting married and having a child. That might be unusual in your social circle, but it’s really not nuts.
Big Sister
Just to be clear, based on some of the comments, I think it is kind of crazy for a 24 year old to be marrying a woman he’s been dating for eight months and was his rebound relationship because she is pregnant. Having said that, obviously I am not going to communicate that to him or her or my parents in any way. They are entitled to make their own decisions and I think they are both coming from a place of love and trying to be responsible parents.
My mother will probably come around, particularly once there is a grandchild in the mix. I am just trying to keep her from expressing opinions that will lead to some sort of permanent rupture in the interim.
But in case it was not clear from my original post, I absolutely acknowledge that she is being completely unreasonable in the situation. I think she was kind of holding onto hope that brother and former girlfriend would get back together because they had dated for years and she really liked her. But that in no way makes it OK for her to be nasty about the woman her son is going to marry.
Anon
I’d suggest rethinking the whole rebound concept. It’s quite immature. You meet people when you meet people. I broke up with a long term boyfriend, went on tinder to hookup, turns out the first person I went out with to “get over it” was amazing and we’ve been married for 10 years and counting.
Anon
Agree with this. Bob Sis, if you’re thinking “he’s nuts” then it’s going to show up in how you talk to him and how you talk to your parents.
They’re not asking your opinion after all.
Anecdotally, both of my aunts got married under similar circumstances and both celebrated golden anniversaries with their spouses.
anon
Families are made in many different ways. One of my favorite couples got married after a short dating period and accidental pregnancy–they’ve been married 10 years now and have 2 kids. Of the people I know, the couples who have fast-tracked weddings after accidental pregnancies, or (now that we’re older) to start TTC immediately, seem just as happy than the couples who followed a “logical” path of dating X number of years, being engaged X number of months, etc.
Be as supportive as you can be. If you have any influence over your parents, tell them to get with the program or risk not knowing their grandchild.
Also, your brother should spend Thanksgiving with his fiancée to communicate to the whole family, including hers, that they’re a package deal.
pugsnbourbon
+ a million to your last sentence.
Anonymous
Our best friend couple broke up with people they had been with for 7 and 8 years, started dating each other and got married after a year together. They have been married for 13 years now.
College relationships often hang on longer than they should because they are easy.
Anon
+1 million to your last paragraph! Dated my college BF for at least two years longer than I should have, and was engaged to my now-DH within a couple months of meeting him at age 24, less than six months after officially ending things with the college ex. Luckily our friends and families were supportive! We did wait two years to get married and a literal decade to have kids though.
Anon
Umm, eight months is perfectly reasonable, so is 24.
Anonymous
This all sounds like an issue stemming with your mom quite frankly. I would tell her I don’t want to hear anything more negative and won’t be engaging in it. Don’t feed the drama, or you will end up losing a brother.
I’m sorry for your brother’s new wife and him.
They deserve better than having people chalk up their marriage to trying to do the right thing or painting her as a gold digger or only being civil to reach grandkids. He deserves to be seen as an adult and an equal member of this union. Frankly, I’m surprised he will join you without her. If I were him and this were going on, I wouldn’t. The sooner your family realizes they are a package deal, the better it will be for everyone involved.
Anon
Wow! Hang in there. This is so tough. I think I read on this board once about using toxic positivity as a way of mitigating confrontation. Might be something to think about. I’ve used it with my own mother in the past to help draw boundaries.
Ex. if your mother starts saying something unkind about the future SIL, cut her off with something like: “A baby in the family! Isn’t that amazing? Hope she’s doing well!”, Then switch topics or walk away. Eventually she’ll take the hint.
And on the flip side, if you do lose your temper, it’s another way of letting your mother know you’re not going to stand for the remarks. Deep down you know it’s the right thing as a Big Sister, to look out for Little Brother in this situation. Because we all know things do not get easier post-baby.
anon
OP, just want to offer assurance (if you need it) that you are doing the right thing. There is going to be a baby in the family! Your parents are going to have a grandchild and you are going to have a niece! Whatever your parents say behind closed doors to each other, they need to get it together with your brother. One non-emotional conversation asking him if he’s sure this is what he wants to do is fine, but once the answer is yes, they need to get on board or recognize that they may do permanent harm.
My brother married his girlfriend of less than three months. My parents met her the day before the wedding. They had trepidation privately but once he said he was sure, they supported him. My brother and SIL have been married for 15 years and she is like the sister I never had. I got pregnant out of wedlock and my parents stood by me and my then-partner, and now I am happily married to my son’s dad and my parents adore my husband.
Not all these types of stories end happily, but family support can actually be a huge factor in whether a couple makes it through the challenges of a new marriage and a new baby. Support and encouragement to resolve concerns, grow together, and make decisions in an emotionally healthy way is critical to the success of any marriage, especially one between younger people. Ask your parents if they’d rather be supporting their son through the fallout of a divorce and a custody battle in 5 years, or sitting in the front row at kindergarten graduation with a happy son and DIL. The odds of the latter are much higher if they join the team and support your brother and his fiancee.
Anonymous
Wow your parents suck! He’s an adult man marrying the mother of his child. What’s to hate on?
Anon
I’m guessing the woman they suspect is a gold digger is of another race or of another socioeconomic background! What fresh hell she’s marrying into!!
Anonymous
DH and I were talking marriage after dating for 4 months when I was 23 and he was 27. We dated another 4 years before getting married but we were sure way before that. Various life circumstances prevented us from getting married earlier but we knew then.
Big Sister
I wanted to thank everyone who commented! My brother is coming to our parents’ for Thanksgiving and his soon to be wife is going on a trip with her parents which has been long planned and paid for and which is the only reason they are not coming together. I just got off the phone with my mother for the third time today and told her that she will tell my brother she’s very happy for him and looking forward to getting to know her new daughter-in-law,or we are going to pack up the car and head to my (paternal) grandparents for the rest of the weekend. Since she is in eternal competition with her mother-in-law, that should do the trick.
My mother has always had unrealistic expectations for her children and considers our lives as a reflection of her parenting. And I have always been the one who shielded my brother from her bizarrely antiquated notions of what constitutes “respectable“. While I appreciate everyone who opined that he is not necessarily “nuts“, I still have my private doubts. However, this is my baby brother (and I realize my viewing him as being so young is part of the reason I think this is all crazy and I need to work on seeing him as an adult) and I love him absolutely and he has my support.
And maybe this means my mother will get off my back about getting married and having babies!
anon
Good for you for finding a way to get your mother in line, or doing your best at least.
I get it, I’ve had my doubts about family members too. My husband is from a large family and has 5 siblings and stepsiblings. Among their marriages, the one we felt surest about ended in divorce. The one that was a rush to the alter after an accidental pregnancy is going strong 10 years later, and they have a lovely family. There’s one I still have my private doubts about, but they seem happy, so I keep my mouth shut.
Your “baby” brother is about to be a father. That’s a tremendous responsibility, and seeing him handle it may go a long way toward you seeing him as an adult.
anon
You’ve done your best, OP. And honestly, I also would have doubts about the situation, but I would certainly keep my mouth shut and hope for the best. More than that, I’m surprised that people would be … surprised that maybe the soon-to-be grandparents wouldn’t be thrilled about this development right away? Not saying it won’t work, but I think most parents would be a little surprised by the quick progression of events, out of concern for their kid’s future. Your mom’s comments about “just getting rid of it” are super gross, though, not condoning that!
Vicky Austin
Sounds like you’ve got this. Hope your parents behave themselves! And I’d tell your mother to get over the college ex-gf and not.bring.that.up. She’s just going to perpetuate the cycle of shitty MIL relationships that she apparently is in herself.
Lizard
Yeah why is “less than a year” so outrageous? Does that mean they’ve been together for 10-11 months? (Surely if it was more like 2-3 months OP would have said so.) That’s… not all that short a time when people are in their mid-20s? It’s not like they’re just out of high school, they’ve been adults for 6 years and presumably are out of college and into their careers. Perhaps the pregnancy wasn’t intended but TONS of people get married under these circumstances and do just fine. What’s with the judgment?
Anon
My brother married a woman who already had a child from a prior relationship. My parents hated the idea of him “being saddled with responsibility he did not create” and made a very poor show of support up until his first kid was born. With his kids now nearly teenagers, my parents have been super sad that they “never see them”. I love my SIL but in many ways my parents were also right. She stopped working after their first child. She’s from a cultural background that encourages anti-vax and anti-science views. The kids are homeschooled and have surprising gaps in knowledge. And despite all this – they are an amazing family and my parents wish to see their “under-educated” unvaxxed grandchildren. That ship has long sailed and with all their foresight my parents should have thought about the ramifications of their own actions rather than my brother’s since those are the ones they could have changed.
Seventh Sister
Does your mom want to interact with her grandkids? Because acting like this is a GREAT way to ensure that your brother and his new wife won’t bring the grandkids around to visit. And every woman loves to be compared to their spouse’s exes.
FWIW, I’m one of those people that thinks it’s fantastic if people want to get married before the baby comes. It can make a lot of stuff (birth certificates, insurance for everybody, benefits, etc.) much, much easier to navigate. If this was my kid, I’d keep my feelings to myself and be positive about the new marriage, the new baby (babies!!!!), and more family members.
In 2022, it’s not really realistic to expect that people wait for, ahem, gardening, until marriage, especially if they marry in their 20s. (And most of the very devout people I know had short engagements for this exact reason!) This probably wasn’t their plan, but having a kid now v. maybe having a kid at another point years down the road makes a certain level of sense.
Anon
Maybe her family is saying the same exact thing right now that your family is saying!!!
Big Sister
I don’t really know what her family is saying, but you and Seventh Sister just gave me a great idea! I am going to point out to my mother that if she’s difficult about this, they may take her future grandchild to the in-laws for holidays rather than coming to visit her. She is so competitive that she will be warm and welcoming because she wants to “win”. If I can set her up in competition with my brother’s future mother-in-law, that might work.
Also I do feel the need to say that this is not a question of a daughter-in-law of a different race or different socio-economic background. She has her many flaws, but Mom is not actually a bigot. Honestly, I think her biggest criticism of the poor woman is that she is very pretty and my mother is prejudiced against beautiful blond girls.
Anonymous
Are you even listening to yourself? The grandkid and in-laws are already being set up for drama? Knock it off. Treat them like normal adults and encourage your mom to do so as well. Plenty of in-laws have actual friendships. You and your mom are setting up to hurt things before they’ve even had a chance. You might want to explore why you’re looking for more drama.
Anon
I’d like to push back on the notion expressed this AM that Junior employees have to come into the office because their managers are frustrated with trying to train and monitor them remotely.
If WFH is your company culture (and even for places that have returned to the office 3 ish days a week, wait till they see they can save money on office space when the lease is up) you have to adapt as a manager.
This is the time to up your management skills and learn new ways of doing things. I say this as a senior level manager myself.
It’s akin to accountants of yore complaining about these newfangled computer spreadsheets when their paper ledgers have served them just fine. Adapt or become a dinosaur.
Cat
Do you have any tips to share from your experience? This is obviously an area where many of us are struggling.
Anon
Sing it, sister!
Anon
Yes! I have managed overseas staff for years, so I’ve been doing some version of this since well before the pandemic.
Be clear about deadlines, expectations, and responsibilities. Don’t expect people to just know anything, even if they’re experienced.
Take the time to meet with remote staff regularly. A weekly check-in is the minimum. For new hires, more frequent is necessary until they’re on board with the usual work.
Make use of video conferencing and screen sharing to go over work. Don’t expect to do this all by email. Treat screen sharing as you would showing someone something in person, in your office.
Adapt to whatever IM or chat tech remote staff are using for quick questions. This in lieu of popping into your office to as a quick question, and you should think of it that way. Set the tone for what you think should be an IM, an email, or a meeting.
Last, for any manager, feedback, positive or negative, should be a continuous process and not a once a year surprise. This is especially important for remote staff.
Anon
When I last trained new people, we really trained them, maybe 2 hours a day, one first thing and one after lunch, every day, at least two weeks out of the month. Sometimes over lunch instead of after. Very hands-on and with constant feedback and direction. That level of training was treated as an annoying intrusion when people were working remotely — I gave up and just did things myself. No one wanted live feedback and with email, it was a lot of work on my part that I have no idea if it was read or understood or even cared about.
anon
The back-and-forth of email feedback can be painful. If it’s even read at all.
Anon
This is the future. Figure out how to do it better.
And anyone who doesn’t participate in onboarding training just failed their new hire orientation/probationary period. Period.
Anon
“Do better” is not really helpful guidance.
Anonymous
The ability to screen share has been useful – until early this year my firm didn’t allow anyone less than a partner to have screen share software. which meant the middle level project managers like me were inefficiently trying to explain things over the phone and hope the junior staff were looking at the same document or code at the same time. IT also wouldn’t let us use third party cloud based systems like Google docs… anyway I do like your tips and will save them for use
Retire Anon
Do what you would do if the remote work was not part of the equation. If the issue is response time, explain and document the expectation. When it is met, acknowledge the improvement. If the employee inconsistently meets it, spend a limited amount of time explaining the application/use case for the expectation. Document the discussion. On date x, y happened. The consequences to customer service, operations, etc are…. In the future, acceptable performance looks like….
Explain that a consequence of future issues will be increased in-office expectation (might be part of a PIP).
Always ask if there are questions and offer to provide support as requested* and document the response. Lack of questions/request for help means the employee has indicated they understand and puts responsibility for future performance back in them.
*You might get an inappropriate request, such as (kid you not) a daily wake up call. I explained why that was employee’s responsibility, not mine. But when I needed to let the person go a few weeks later, the disconnect was noted.
Anon
I cannot believe you got that request! haha
Anon
Yes please – because I have no issues with remote work for people I already knew, but my entire firm is struggling with training new attorneys and the drop off in quality of work has been painfully obvious.
Anon
Same. It is jaw-dropping. Half of it is new hires feeling like they have nothing to fear, that they won’t get canned and can easily cross the street for a higher-paying job. I see seasoned people go dark for a morning while they are out with clients, bringing in business that does not mean that a new WFH hire can go dark in the morning and go to hot yoga.
Anonymous
Lolz guess they can if they can actually get new jobs and you can’t replace them
former associate
I will be forever grateful to the partner who gave me lots of in-person training when I was an associate, back before WFH. I learned so much and it really was much easier in person than it would be remotely.
So few partners in biglaw really give the kind of training that is most helpful to lawyers that I think it’s well worth it for a junior/midlevel associate to do whatever is necessary to make it easier on the partner to give that training.
A lot should change about biglaw, but I don’t really see requiring junior associates to be in person in order to get training as a big deal.
Anon
I used to be that partner and now I’m not. Green hires in the pandemic was like having a second job. I’d do it again in-office like I was a judge with a law clerk and loved this past year’s summer class, who seemed to crave live interaction. It just totally burned me out.
Anon
Some jobs just dont translate well to remote work. And some jobs you can do remotely if you know how to do them. If you value flipping your wash on time and are obviously multitasking on zooms, you won’t be easily trained (and you’d never do that nonsense in person).
Anon
Enjoy that ledger!
Anon
People just think being remote makes them invisible. People always worked life in when they needed to but OMFG some people are not savvy about it. Check with people you work with before booking travel. Don’t schedule your move during the weekday unless you are taking the day off. Don’t go dark on people mid-project unless you are in a coma.
Anon
This is very, um, oddly specific. Sounds like you’ve been through a lot lately!
Anon
You have no idea. This is just since Labor Day. Can’t wait until this month with a holiday at the end. Ugh.
Anon
Agreed, I love working remotely and there’s a lot great about it. But there’s a lot lost in it too, especially for junior lawyers and new in career people. There just is. And not acknowledging that doesn’t really help move things forward. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask people to come in a few days a week so there’s flexibility and mentorship.
Dr. The Original ...
While no one has a perfect life, what things do you covet from others here?
I was long in love with Senior Attorney’s wedding dress as she described it and the home she made for herself with her color scheme (the one she had before she got married).
Curious has talked about some snuggly items she has gotten (gifts during illness, I think) that sounded lovely.
Ribena’s bad@$$ness of getting help and meds when she needed them is covet-able energy.
I wish I had the hope that those of you in IVF have/had as sometimes I can’t think more than 10 mins ahead.
Gotta give her a second nod, I covet Senior Attorney’s epicness of getting out of a sh!tty relationship and being open in her heart when the right guy came along.
I covet the travel so many of you post about going on and the food you try.
I covet the amazing strength of those who figured out their partner wasn’t right for them and they DTMFA or gently left or whatnot because they know they deserve the right fit.
Some of you talk about the work you are doing in the gym each morning and I covet that drive and the ability to function well enough that early in the day that you don’t injure yourselves.
I covet Kat having this career and knowing she created a space where we built such community.
And if I’m being really honest, I really covet the lives of many of your children. So many parents here are working hard or worried about or seeking help with or seeking support about something. Not everyone gets to have a parent who loves them that much and invests that much. While yeah, I covet the 7 year old who gets to go to Paris from the earlier post, I just generally covet that those kids have parents who worry and care and improve and love them so much that they post about it here.
Your turn! What do you covet from others here?
Sunshine
This is superficial, but every time a woman posts about her thick hair, I’m envious. I have thin cr@ppy hair and I have always imagined having beautiful long, thick hair. Never going to happen for me.
Anon
I have clip-in extensions from Zala and I always forget I don’t actually have super long, thick hair. Everyone assumes they’re natural! For $200 a year I think it is one of the most glamorous gifts you can give yourself… Has made me feel like a movie star haha
Anon
Same :(
Anon
Aw that is beautiful!! As someone in my twenties who sometimes posts about friendship/relationships/anxieties on here, I have always envied the women who post about candles and home design and fluffy blankets and supporting grieving neighbors. Or the posts from moms talking about Saturdays going orchard picking. I would love to have a bit more solidity and comfort and ease in my life, and to have the time and emotional energy to just be kind of cozy at home :)
Also, love you and your posts! It’s clear you have a heart of gold, are super thoughtful and emotionally mature, really open and compassionate for everyone in any circumstances, have tons of depth of heart and character, and just seem super cool and loving. I’d love to have that kind of a heart and pure energy, and to grow up to be more like you!
anon
Totally agree with your last paragraph!
Senior Attorney
Amen!
Dr. The Original ...
FYI, I literally cried. I’m copying it into my journal so I can refer back to it… your words will ring in my mind and on my heart for so so long, thank you for this. <3
Anon
I covet the women with PhDs in this group. I have a different terminal degree, but I often regret not going for a Phd.
anon
A lot of people post here about sending gifts to friends and family for birthdays, milestone events, etc. I don’t really have close friends who would do that. I guess I covet those who have people in their life who are thoughtful like that.
Anon
Do you have a dear friend or two, though? You could start a new trend! Send *them* something and see what happens. You never know!
Anon
I’m the mom taking her 7 year old to Paris (yes we’re going!!) and I am jealous of my kid as well! I had a crappy childhood and am working hard to make sure that my kid has a great one — both materially and successfully.
I’m generally not a jealous person, but I’m a bit jealous of everyone here who majored in a humanities field — I chose economics because I thought it would be practical, but ended up in a career that has nothing to do with economics, and for which literally any major at all would have been fine. I wish I had spent college taking classes in literature, art history, philosophy… things that I’m interested in just for myself. I read a lot now but I still feel like I’m “catching up” on all the stuff I “missed” and don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it.
Anon
emotionally* not successfully!
anon
I loved your post about taking your 7 year old to Paris. (What great memories you’ll create!) It made me decide that as soon as my toddler is a bit older, I’m taking him to Alaska. He’ll actually have to be quite a bit older, lol, but we are going on an adventure to Alaska at some point! I realize how fortunate I am to be able to plan such a trip (even if it’s just in my head at this time).
Anon
Do you read the moms page? There was quite a kerfuffle there a few years back about an NYTimes article by a freelance writer and marine scientist who took her toddlers sailing in Alaska…so it *is* possible, ha. But probably/definitely more fun when he’s older!
Anon
This is the article: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/13/travel/alaska-family-sailing-inside-passage.html
anon for this
That’s funny – I majored in humanities and ended up in an econ-adjacent position (after policy grad school) and feel like I missed my calling as a pure economist. But I love that you’re catching up on other types of readings — I’m sure I would have enjoyed it a lot more if it was for fun and not just cramming for a test.
Anon
I did do humanities for college and grad school and wish I made more time to return to it now! Maybe we need a book club.
Vicky Austin
The community of IRL support that some of you have built – usually out of necessity! I am…not naturally bent towards that and worry that I’m setting myself up for failure with baby coming.
Anan
Vicky Austin, I hope you find your tribe (mom tribe or otherwise) because I love every comment you leave here, and everything you post is so supportive and honest that I think someone needs to benefit from that IRL, not just us internet strangers. Every time you leave a comment, I think, “I want to be her friend.” (You don’t happen to live in The DC area, do you?)
Curious
She’s in Texas, alas (says my Seattle self who also wants to be friends)
Vicky Austin
I am in Texas, but gosh, Anon (and Curious too), this just warmed the cockles of my heart! Thank you! If I ever visit DC, I will holler. Thank you so much. <3
Senior Attorney
I covet your career, Dr. T.O.! The books, the teaching, the fun side gig that I’m not sure you’ve mentioned on here! You are so cool!!!
And while we’re at it, I covet the careers of all the women who made it to the top of their professions: The BigLaw partners, the C-suite execs, etc. I stalled out a little lower than planned and although I’m happy as can be with my life as a whole, I once had way bigger career plans.
And I covet the realationships people here describe with their normal, loving families of origin. Particularly the dads. My dad was a typical 50s dad who didn’t give us much thought and when people talk about being a “Daddy’s girl” it just makes me… covetous.
Anon
I’m pretty happy with my life, so not a ton of coveting. I grew up very poor and there was no family money to fall back on, so sometimes I envied those who had it, but I’m at a point where I’m my own upper middle class parent now, and I’m really fine, so much less envy now.
I covet the babies and toddlers and elementary school age children many of you have! My kids are in college now, so no more babies in the house and too early for grandchildren (knock wood) but I would love to hold a little one now and then! Kiss your little ones an extra time for me. :)
Anon
Aww. I have a 5 year old and it already feels like it’s going SO FAST and she’s going to be off to college before I know it. I wish I could freeze time at this age, it’s the best.
Massie Book
From earlier thread: has anyone listened to the Massie book on Audible? If so, would you recommend. It sounds great, but I would need to digest while doing dishes, laundry etc so Audible would be key
No Face
Can you try it out on Libby for free to see if it meets your needs?
Vicky Austin
+1 – see if your library can provide it. Does Audible not do samples anymore?
Anon
I’m feeling a bit silly. I’m in a different city for work. I have a work contact in this city (not a client, not a colleague, just someone in my industry) and we made plans to meet up. We’ve never met in person but I’ve always had a secret little crush on him because he comes across as so dynamic, engaging and kind in all our interactions. He made an effort to come to my hotel and meet me for breakfast (not close to him) before work, and then he gave me a ride to where I needed to go because I was running late. And, I think I have a little bit more of a crush on him after meeting in person? I don’t really know much about his personal life except for innocuous things like hobbies etc. (But he wasn’t wearing a ring.) He doesn’t know I’m divorced with a young child. I should just put the lid on this and stop thinking about him, right? The last few years have left me feeling a bit beaten up emotionally, so it was just really nice to feel a little flutter of excitement over someone. But I think it really was just a business meeting.
No Face
My personal view is that crushes should be enjoyed immensely.
Dating someone in another city sounds unpleasant to me, but if you don’t mind it you also have my permission to find out if he’s single and go for it.
Monday
+1. I’d probably send a warm follow-up email to thank him and make sure there’s an opening for him to reply, then see what happens.
Anon
Ha, OK so I took your advice and did just that, and he responded immediately saying it was fantastic (that’s the word he used!) to meet in person and that he looks forward to connecting again soon.
Yay!
(Seriously I personally reserve the word “fantastic” for people I’m really excited about meeting, and work people just get a “great”, haha, but maybe this guy is just generally warm and exuberant.
Thank you all for humoring me / cheering me on. This made my day/week/month.)
Monday
OW!!! This certainly sounds encouraging. Keep us posted!
anon
Ha, I am already enjoying the butterflies immensely, because it’s been soooo long since I felt something like that. I have been feeling so uninterested in dating and feeling like my only identity is as a mom and worker bee, nothing else. Even if nothing ever comes of it, it’s fine.
All indications are that he’s single, but who knows. I think he’ll be out in my city at some point in the next few months (he said he wants to find an opportunity to go). And I do feel like he made quite an effort to come meet up with me (when I’m not his client and I don’t send him business) – he got up early and drove quite a ways.
Anon
Slow down there on the moving on! How far from you is this city? Why not explore it, he’s not at your company, it’s a meet cute!
Anon
Is he married or in a relationship? If not, I’d test it out. If you’re in the city still, see if he wants to grab a drink and take it from there.
Senior Attorney
Indeed! What the heck — YOLO!
anon
As far as I can tell he’s single! I am heading back to my city (opposite coasts, sigh), but hopefully I will have another opportunity to see him (ahem, strictly for “business networking” obvs) in the next few months. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this crush by day dreaming about him, lol.
I like the idea of thinking of this as a meet cute. If we’re both single, why not? I just felt like the days of crushes were over for me as a tired mid 40s mom with no bandwidth for anything. But apparently I still have the capability to form a crush!
Anon
Yes!
“I really enjoyed our get-together and wish we’d had more time. How soon is too soon to do it again?”
I think that drops the hint in an obvious but defensible way.
Good luck!
Anon
This sounds perfect – OP, good luck! Even if you aren’t still there, I think you should send something like this and bonus points if you can mention something in your city that he can plan to attend to give him the excuse to come visit soon! Is there a type of food that you know he likes – you could mention a local restaurant he should try. Or music or sports, or even something work related like a conference or speaker that might interest him. Please report back! ;)
Anon
Caveat: I know this is a first world problem.
I really hate everything about my job lately: the pay is terrible, many of the people I work with are not nice, I’ve been here for several years and the work is getting repetitive and boring…but I have incredibly generous vacation time. I love to travel and my family and friends are spread out across the country, and I’m finding it so hard to walk away from this benefit. It’s my version of golden handcuffs. I do a job (think IT) that is found across most industries and a wide variety of employer types. Does anyone have suggestions for industries to target, or even specific employers, where generous time off is the norm? I know it’s not easy to find in the US, but I’m hoping for 4 weeks of vacation if sick leave is separate, or more like 5-6 weeks if it’s one combined PTO bucket. (Even this is a big step down from what I currently have!) I’m finding so many employers go on about their generous time off and then it’s 3 weeks of combined PTO that has to cover everything. :/
“Move to Australia” is not a helpful answer. :) I would love to, but my husband’s job keeps us here.
anon
Higher ed, though it may take some time to accrue the type of leave you’re talking about.
Senior Attorney
Same with government.
Anon
+1 – I have 6 weeks and we start at 3, quickly move up to 4
Anon
+1 for public higher ed, but the pace tends to be slow, the work tedious and the pay low. Vacation time and health insurance are the two main reasons a lot of staff stick around.
Anon
You definitely do not work at my higher ed institution. Pace is fast, comp is competitive, and yes, the time off is great, if you can take it (see: pace).
Anon
I’m also in public higher ed and agree with the 8:13 Anon. If you’re taking about starting salaries, the pay isn’t necessarily abysmal. It’s definitely lower than the private sector, but that’s to be expected, and you typically have the trade-off of better benefits. But the problem is that at public higher ed institutions, raises basically don’t exist. At my institution, the top performers miiiiight get a 5% raise and that would require being in the top ~10% of employees and it being a year in which the institution is more generous than normal with salary money. Most employees get 0-2% raises each year, which at this point doesn’t even keep pace with inflation. So unless you change jobs within the institution, there’s no way to meaningfully increase your salary. So while you might start only modestly lower than your private sector peers, you very quickly end up with a *much* lower salary.
I also agree the work is pretty tedious. I’ve never known higher ed to be fast-paced about anything, but the upside is you can take all your vacation time and take long vacations. I’ve taken a 2 week vacation every year since starting, and next year will be taking 3 weeks off at once. Personally, I have terrible health insurance (even with the most expensive premium plan, the deductible is over $5k for in-network care) but excellent PTO (5 weeks vacation, 1 week holiday closure, unlimited sick leave) and retirement matching (10% of my salary, regardless of what I contribute).
anon
I work in IT for a telecom company. I get unlimited PTO and our company culture does encourage people to take time off.
Anonymous
Look at tech with unlimited PTO. Including Salesforce.
Jamie
There are some IT jobs at FINRA open that you might want to check out. For the first year, they only offer 3 weeks vacation (sick leave is separate), but I know some people that negotiated an extra week of vacation when they started because the company wouldn’t negotiate on salary for the position, so you could try that.
Anon
You might be able to negotiate more vacation time if you get an offer. I mean, yeah, if they offer 2 weeks of vacation in their standard benefits package you’re almost certainly not going to get them up to 5 weeks. But I’ve had no problem negotiating an extra week in the past.
Gifts For Employees
First time commenting! I’m a director of a small dept at a small company and I have two direct reports. I was hired 3.5 months to work remotely from the opposite coast, so I’ve never met my direct reports in person although the work relationship is going well and I think they’re both awesome. I’m struggling with what to do for holiday gifts for them, since I don’t know either of them well. Any ideas for holiday gifts? Would love to stay under $50/person inclusive of shipping, but I recognize that might not be feasible. Also, any thoughts on how bad shipping delays might be and by when I should order/ship to get the gifts to them before Christmas?
Jules
I don’t have any suggestions – although in general cash or cash equivalents are the most appreciated by my support staff, at least – but repost this on Monday morning; things are quiet here on the weekend.
Anon
Does anyone have the authentic Eames Molded Plastic Armchair, Rocker Base? Or have a sense that the real one is far better than any knockoff? I have a small space that won’t accommodate a lazyboy chair and am wondering if this might be something comfy with arms that you can at least rock back in. I understand that the originals were insanely comfortable.
AIMS
Are you near a store where you can test it out? I haven’t tried the armchair but the regular plastic side chairs are vastly more comfortable than the knock off versions.
Senior Attorney
I have the molded armchairs without rockers at my kitchen table and can testify that they are indeed insanely comfortable.
Senior Attorney
Also Herman Miller is having a sale right now.
Anon
What shows have you caught up on, leaving you waiting for the next season?
I am really looking forward to more of Agnes’s opinions on what’s tacky in Gilded. I also keep wondering when Severance will be back. (I never would have given Severance a chance if not for the recommendations here, so thank you!) I’ll also be watching the next season of Never Have I Ever now that I’ve caught up.
winter
I have been way behind on The Handmaid’s Tale, so that is crushing my soul at the moment.
I balance that with catching up on Making the Cut, where I tend to love all the participants. But that crushes my soul a little too when I think of everyone who doesn’t win, as often they all are on the brink of bankruptcy. Life as an artist…
Anon
Sex Lives of College Girls comes back in a couple weeks!
Anon
I didn’t get the job. Again. This is the second time I’ve tried. I got told it wasn’t about me. That I’m a great fit for the department. I can’t seem to find a way out of here.
Anon
Sending hugs, recruitment is sometimes soul- & confidence-crushing. Keep applying, the right role will pop up eventually and you want one where they will be THRILLED to have you. If you can, plan a short trip to clear your mind (walk in a large park) and then get back to recruiting like it is your job.
Anon
Tell me whether you’d be put off by this conversation, or if I’m overreacting.
I moved to the DC area a few months ago, into a large apartment building. Tonight, I was in the elevator with a guy and it turned out that he lives across from me, so he introduced himself. He clearly wanted to chat, so I indulged him for a few minutes to be polite. He then commented that a couple used to live in my unit and asked if it was a 1 bedroom. I said no, that it’s a 2 bedroom. He said “oh so you have a roommate?” I said no. Him: “Husband? Fiancé? Boyfriend?” I was like no…it’s just me. He seemed shocked by this and asked what industry I was “burning down” (?) to which I told him. He then said, “oh so you must like large houses and cars.” Uhhh what? I said I work from home a few days a week and I use the second bedroom as an office. He then proceeded to hit on me, ask me what my favorite drink was, invited me in for a bottle of wine, invited me upstairs to the lounge later where he would be grilling (after I said no to coming in for wine.) Like, I want to get along with neighbors, but I’m standing in the hallway in my slippers with my packages and mail, dude. The whole thing was just weird.
For the record, I’m not raking in the dough, but I do make 6 figures and I enjoy having a home office, which I began doing during the pandemic. Is it so crazy that a 30 year old, single woman can pay for a 2 bedroom in DC? I felt like Miranda Hobbes when she has to repeat “it’s just me” when signing the paperwork for her first home.
Curious
People are so weird. He clearly didn’t read your signals. Hopefully he picks up on them over time.
Dr. The Original ...
I think he shot his shot this one time and he may just be awkward or unaware that the rules on this are a bit different for women feeling safe or private when it occurs in their building. I’d have felt uncomfortable too when he proceeded to keep asking when there was a no the first time. I think you just hope not to bump into him again, that you speak to him about the weather if you see him, and if he tries again, tell him you don’t date neighbors and wish him a good day. If he tries after that, you may need to consider whether he’s a safety thing or if you need to involve the office or something if it feels like a threat. For now though, I’d just assume he tried and he now knows you’re not interested.
Anonymous
I am a big fan of making friends with neighbors and talking to strangers and this conversation, as it developed, would have annoyed me. He did not read your signals. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he has bad intentions but I would limit my engagement with him, being friendly but always visibly too busy to really engage.
Anonymous
All this is his own anxiety and insecurity because you are living a life he cannot imagine. I would be put off (definitely don’t want to have drinks with you, dude), but I wouldn’t worry about it more than that.
Anon
You’re not weird or whatever to want an extra bedroom – for whatever purposes. You pay the rent, you decide.
Dude was awkwardly hitting on you. I got these “have you relocated here with family?” (aka are you single/datable or you have husband & kids) when I moved to Hungary. Followed by many other personal questions. I smiled and said cheerfully “you can’t ask me things like these”, which was a polite but clear stop sign.
Ellen
I agree he was hitting on you as you are likely successful and attractive, and potential spouse material. If his vibe put you off, don’t worry about it, and like others said, appear busy even if you are just watching Hulu. Be glad he did not want to go for a tour as you’d have a tough time getting him out of your apartement. Chances are he knew all along you are single, and he was just hoping that you were available, if only to chat, and also for more. FOOEY on men like that. Think how much worse it would have been if you had given him an inch!
Ses
Appropriate response: “Haha what is this, an interrogation? Have a nice night.”
Seriously – don’t respond and give additional personal info in response to negging.
Anon
People ask about European Christmas markets and fairs: Netty has a royal-interest blog, and here she presents a round-up of royal-related fairs:
https://www.nettyroyal.nl/various-travel/royal-christmas-fairs-2022/
Anon
NYC ‘rettes: do pharmacies ask for proof of residence when giving bivalent Covid vaccine boosters? We live in a plcae where these are not available to us and are thinking of coming to visit family and getting the booster at the same time.
NYNY
You’ll need to register with your contact info and insurance information, so yes, to some extent. But if you’re coming from another country, I assume that pharmacies will allow you to pay upfront.
highlander
My experience has been that to make an appointment at a pharmacy I must provide all ID information. But New York State requires only that you be over 6 months and reside in the U.S.
covid19vaccine dot health dot ny dot gov slash
Anon
Commercial pharmacies will normally want insurance info because they want to bill your insurance a fee for administering the vaccine. You can get the vaccine without insurance, but then you have to fill out an attestation you don’t have insurance and provide your social security number. Your best bet is probably a state or county clinic. Our state’s health clinics administer the vaccine for free, so no insurance info is needed. I think they do ask for an address, but you could probably give the address of the family members you’re visiting if you’re comfortable with that.
Anon
Thank you, very helpful.