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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Maui Sheath Dress

A woman wearing a green sheath dress and high-heeled sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Ever since Kat put out her list of colorful sheaths for work, I’ve had brightly-colored dresses on the brain. This Black Halo dress is a classic cut, but in a gorgeous emerald color that will really stand out in a sea of black, navy, and gray. If you want to add another piece, I think a navy blazer would be perfect here.

The dress is $390 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 0–16.

Sales of note for 12.5

443 Comments

  1. This dress just looks awfully bland to me for the price point. If I’m spending that kind of money on a dress, I’d like some kind of interesting detail that makes it seem worthwhile. I don’t mean a goofy sleeve, just some flattering darting or a nipped in waist or something. This looks like something you could buy for $50 at Kohls.

      1. Agreed. If this was in a better color I might feel differently but this color is not great.

        1. I like this color! So many of my jackets and shoes are black that I like a non-black dress so that the rest of my items get used.

          1. to me this color would be way too harsh to pair with black.

            Tbh, looks like the color of scrubs. Which are fine for scrubs, but not a color I’d choose to wear.

    2. I actually like simple, classic shapes and like this in theory, but the super synthetic fabric at this price point holds zero appeal. I used to have a dress like this that was 100% wool from J Crew and it was great.

    3. Agreed, this would be something I’d get in black or navy for a serious meeting or something where I need to look boring.

    4. $400 is not a high price point if the dress is well constructed from a high quality material. I’m no longer at a firm, but this would’ve been an easy “put it in the biweekly rotation” dress to pick up, get tailored for free at Nordstrom, and not have to think about ever again. Sometimes simple but high quality is all you want in a dress.

    6. I wish it had a better neckline. Anything crew neck reads less polished to my eye. But it’s also a super unflattering neckline on me so I may be biased.

  2. Looking for black leggings that are thin, so not fleece lined or knit, maybe a jersey material. These will be for wearing under sweaters and dresses, not for working out. Something basic and cheap, and non-maternity. Should be easy to find but my Google search is failing me.

    1. I think these on amazon sound like they would work for you. I have several pairs and love them. HeyNuts Essential Full Length Yoga Leggings, Women’s High Waisted Workout Compression Pants 28”

    2. I can’t tell from your post if you do or don’t want knit or jersey. If you’re pro-jersey, Old Navy’s jersey leggings are a staple in my wardrobe. However, I’m also still stringing along a couple pairs from Forever 21 from my college days. I think they’d meet your fabric requirements. Bonus: cheap af, and if your bum is covered no need to worry about how thin they actually are!

      2. +1, the ones that come in the 2 pack. I’ve had mine for years and they don’t fade or stretch out

    4. Old Navy’s jersey leggings sound like what you’re looking for, and since there’s always a discount going on you can get them for super cheap.

    5. YMMV – but I use Walmart leggings for this type of layering. I’ve tried all sorts of brands from low to higher end and the generic Walmart ones work best for me.

    6. Just head to Target and pick up a pair. This isn’t a decision to waste time optimizing.

  3. I am the lead organizer for an all day event with my organization’s top executives in Chicago in January. I’m struggling to figure out what’s current to wear to events like this as an organizer. It feels like a good occasion to buy a new outfit if I can figure it out. Budget is around $500.

    I’m relatively junior compared to the attendees. I want to balance the level of the event without looking too try-hard (so I feel like the Fold is too much?) Thanks!

    1. I mean this kindly, but don’t invest money into your wardrobe for this specific purpose. I go to these events and pay zero attention to what the organizers wear. You’ll be fine in basic black pants, flats and whatever top you normally wear to work (presuming your look isn’t the crop tops featured on Friday, if that’s the case, shop away). I’d save the money for the actual holes in your wardrobe and what you need on a regular basis. The only thing I’d spend money on is a comfortable pair of flats of you don’t have any.

      1. +1 – this is not something you need to specifically shop for. But if you are not able to shop your closet for it, then you know your closet is currently light on professional wear, and you should find pieces that fill those gaps.

        1. Yes this is exactly why I’m down to buy an outfit! All my work clothes are from pre-covid and I feel like it’s time to refresh. This event is a bit of an excuse. Appreciate the advice!

    2. I am often in that type of role, and would generally wear pants, flat shoes (ballet flats in summer, probably oxfords in winter) and a blazer in a color over a blouse or shell. The color will make you look confident, and will also help people find you. “Where’s Suzy?” – “She’s over there in the bright blue jacket”. If you don’t have a distinctive blazer, get one of those, for probably less than $500.

      2. This. I have done a lot of events (too many) and my primary advice is to wear comfortable flat shoes (you will be doing 12 hour days most likely if not more), a colorful top/scarf/blazer so people can ID you quickly, and a skirt or pants that accomodate lots of movements – on matter what level I am at an event I’m running (and I’ve done them from associate to director level) I still manage to be on the floor crawling to plug in a mic pack/crouching down to talk to a speaker/hiding behind the pipe and drape to talk to the A/V team. Sounds like a weird thing to schedule, but if possible I always like to book a blow out the day before the event. I can usually make it last for 2 days with my hair down and a third day as a bouncy ponytail. With such brutally long days not having to do my hair in the AM gives me a blessed 15-20 extra minutes of sleep!

        1. And make sure your pants/skirt or has pockets – you’ll need to have your phone on you at all times, and a pocket will free up your hands.

          1. This. I also tend to carry either a padfolio or a cross body bag in order to have access to a notebook/pen/phone/print copy of the agenda/print copy of speaker notes/backup charger/list of phone numbers for the rando AV person, chief of staff, etc. I now need to have on speed dial for the next 3 days.

      3. +1 to the colored blazer. I have organized events and it was super easy for people to find me because I was wearing a coral or pink blazer.

        1. As a person who struggles with mild face blindness, this would help me find you as well! “Go find Suzy, she has brown hair and is medium tall” is not going to help me at all!

          (honestly, if you replace that with Sam, who has glasses and gray hair, I’m twice as lost, at least in my industry)

    3. Conference veteran here. If I anticipate doing a TON of walking or standing, I choose my shoes first and build the outfit around them. Instead of flats (tend to not to have enough arch support), I usually go with the least ugly option of a mary jane-like shoe (an adjustable strap keeps movement to a minimum) by a comfort brand like Clarks or Munro. I look for a lowish rubber heel or wedge. If I’m wearing a dress, I usually wear skim shorts or nylons to prevent chafing. Pants are usually more comfortable but feel less dressy to me. I often find something like an Etsuko to be more comfortable than a suit, but you know the level of formality best. If I’m wearing a blazer, then I’m usually choosing pants and a blouse that looks OK without the blazer in case I get overheated. I avoid silky blouses because I don’t want sweat to show if I’m racing from one end of an exhibit hall to another or am in a room where the heat is cranked or it’s super crowded. If it’s an event where I’m just an attendee mostly (so not running around and checking to make sure things are running smoothly), then none of this advice matters all that much. I much more open to going for fashion over function.

      1. I’m going to chime in with a recommendation for Rieker. They are the most conference-comfortable but still passing for professional shoes I own. I like the Mirjam style mary jane-ish low heel pumps, but then again, I am a person who walks right out of any shoe that doesn’t have something on the instep keeping me in.

  4. Suggestions good audio books (audible) for an upcoming car journey please? I’ve enjoyed listening to Harry Potter, Discovery of witches, various books like Michele Obama’s and Busy Phillips. Generally I like fantasy, crime and historical dramas. (I recently read and love the Rose Code).

    1. I just got through a roadtrip listening to Empire of Pain and found it thoroughly engrossing.

    3. The Maid is a great new mystery. Loved Lessons in Chemistry and Woman on Fire – both historical fiction. If Audible has Finley Donovan books, they were great for a fluffy fun “crime” read – ala Janet Evanovich.

    4. YMMV but I LOVED listening to Tolstoy, Dickens, and Austen books I’d made it to 30 without reading on audiobook.

    5. If you like The Rose Code, I have really enjoyed Kate Quinn’s other books: The Alice Network, The Huntress, The Diamond Eye. I listened to them all on audiobook and they were very good narrations. The Invisible Life of Addie Larue was pretty good on audiobook. It’s a popular/trendy book that I’d say fits in your historical and fantasy categories. Whatever your thoughts on Taylor Jenkins Reid, Daisy Jones and the Six is an excellent audiobook. It is narrated by a full cast and is very engrossing. I just finished JoJo Moyes’ The Giver of Stars and it was a good historical fiction (story of a library on horseback run by women in Great Depression Kentucky).

      If you can’t tell, I listen to a ton of audiobooks during my commutes and while I do household chores. I recommend the Libby app where you can get them from your library for free :)

    6. I’m in the middle of “We Are All The Same In The Dark” and CANNOT stop listening to it. It’s a crime novel (certainly not a cozy but not overly graphic so far!). There are several narrators, and they’re all excellent.

    7. Where the Crawdads Sing, The House in the Cerulean Sea, Under the Whispering Door, and Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (Hunger Games prequel) are all outstanding and engrossing on audio

    8. I always recommend this for audiobooks: Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime.
      While not in your list of genres, it’s at times hysterically funny and surprisingly historically educational (I grew up hearing about apartheid but had never really understood the mechanics, so a first person account really brought it home to me).

      1. I loved Trever Noah’s book, and OP I have listened to an enjoyed most of the books on your list so sounds like we have similar taste.

        Also seconding the rec for the other Kate Quinn novels. I also like Outlander (the earlier ones – the later ones are fine and I’m still here for them but not nearly as engrossing).

        In the fantasy genre, I enjoyed the Court of Thorns and Roses series (with the first book being one of the weakest but still great). However, I did not love the narrator – story was compelling enough that I overlooked it though. I also went through Sarah J. Maas’s other series, the Throne of Glass, but didn’t enjoy it as much and had to take a break midway through.

    9. Some audiobooks I’ve liked that sound like they could be your jam (I don’t have audible though so beware of selection issues):
      -Brandi Carlile’s autobiography, Broken Horses
      -The Haunting of Alma Fielding
      -The Starless Sea
      -Agatha Christie in general is very fun on audio
      -Rebecca Makkai (I listened to the Hundred-Year House on audio and it was great; read Great Believers in print but still think about it every day)

      If you like Kate Quinn, I’d also recommend Kate Atkinson and Beatriz Williams. Lots of good titles that I’ve read mostly in print, but you could try on audio.

      1. Oh! And Everyone Brave is Forgiven by Chris Cleave. I read it on audio a long time ago, but strongly recommend it.

    10. One of my favorite historical fiction audio books is Code Name Verity (great story in general, but phenomenal as an audio book). All the Light We Cannot See. I just finished Sue Monk Kidd’s The Book of Longings and it was so engaging.

    11. David Sedaris (if he’s your thing) audiobooks keep us laughing on roadtrips. His storytelling is so wonderful.
      I second All the Light We Cannot See as an audio book…SO GOOD. So well done.

    12. The audio version of Circe by Madeline Miller is wonderful. I couldn’t turn it off. I also really enjoyed Piranesi by Susanna Clarke.

    13. I just listened to Kal Penn’s memoir You Can’t be Serious and it was fantastic. You get Hollywood and Obama administration anecdotes all in one book!
      Non fiction- I recently enjoyed:
      Lovely War (the Gods argue abiut love against the backdrop of WWI)
      Razorblade Tears (two men drawn together by the deaths of their sons, who were married)
      Magic for Liars (prep school for magical children)

    14. The Rivers of London books by Ben Aaronovitch are AMAZING on audio, the narrator does a ton of different accents flawlessly. It’s sort of like the X-files meets Dr. Who.

  5. Daughter is a second year at a law firm and starting to travel for work. Was thinking I would get her a Tumi backpack for Christmas as she recently noted that carrying her Jansport was not cutting it anymore. Am a bit overwhelmed by all the choices. This would serve as airplane carry on, also probably a day to day bag to bring laptop back and forth to office, etc. Budget around $500. Any tried and true recs?

    I am focused on Tumi b/c I have loved their quality and durablity myself for luggage but if there is another brand I should consider please add. She is a backpack person, not a tote person, so am set on that.

    1. I don’t have the backpack version, but I love all my Lo & Sons purchases (have the OG and the Seville) and have toted a giant laptop and a ton of documents in them and I love the wheelie bag handle sleeve. Have used them for 10+ and 5+ years and am a fairly abusive owner.

      1. The Lo&Sons Rowledge is one of the more polished backpacks, and is perfect for travel. I prefer mine to the Tumi backpacks I’ve seen in the store

        1. Biglaw partner here and love my Rowledge. Use it daily for heading into the office and always use it when traveling.

      1. I have the Carson Voyageur in navy, but would definitely recommend getting in black instead. The navy was goregous when it was new. but black seems to hold up much better from the ones I’ve seen around the office.

        Overall, great backpack. Very lightweight and fairly comfortable to carry. I use it all the time for work (fits my laptop + all the daily necessities), and also frequently bring it as a carry-on for flights and stick it under the seat in front of me. It has a trolley sleeve to attach it to your suitcase handles.

    4. I like my Tumi backpack because it has dedicated space for everything. If I were going to replace it I’d think about splurging on a Tumi Liv backpack/tote because of its versatility and sleek design.

    5. I have the tumi carson backpack and absolutely love it. Holds a full size laptop and all the essentials for travel, plus like the fact that it’s super lightweight, and has the ability to go on a suitcase handle. The uma backback was a bit too bulky feeling for me, so i have stuck with the carson. Most people do the black version

  6. I am having my in laws over for the holidays and do not currently have any holiday decor. What are some cheap but impactful ways to add holiday cheer without buying a bunch of clutter? Currently decor plan is a tree (stand, maybe tree skirt), stockings, and then buying a wreath and garland for the mantle, and getting poinsettias from costco.

    1. What you’re describing sounds lovely if you want to keep things simple. Maybe add a festive table runner and matching cloth napkins?

      2. That’s like 90% of what my mom (aka a well-established adult in her 60s with a house (storage!) who will be hosting my siblings and I for the weekend / Christmas morning and also 20 family members for Christmas dinner) does for holidays. She also has themed (mostly snowmen so can use all winter, and a few Christmas) decorative doodads and candle holders.

        I like doing the wreath, pointsettias and garland (and tree) because at the end of the season they can be composted or thrown out and then you’re not storing them til next year.

        I think nothing is more festive than Christmas lights. Not sure if you have outdoor space, but if you do I’d definitely add them there. Also, maybe on the mantle with the garland in addition to the tree.

        In my apartment (with shockingly good storage) I’ll be doing tree, wreath, garland, lights on the tree in the living room, lights on the balcony, and then in my office nook I’ll be doing tinsel, another wreath and more lights. In all of my windows I do the electric candles and then also light candles (pine scented! and then tea lights for the flickery festive lights). I host a Christmas and New Years party and a friend secret Santa swap so I like being festive.

        Also, involve the other senses: lights, music, scents, activities are great ways to feel Christmasy without accumulating more crap! As many Christmas lights as you like, plenty of candles, a fire if you have a fire place. An advent calendar of your choosing just because it’s fun. Pine or other Christmas scented candles, if you enjoy baking bake Christmas cookies or another holiday dessert and enjoy the scent. Christmas music playing or bells on the door.

      3. I agree, keep it simple. A tree, a wreath, and a garland is more than I do, and I’ve been at this game for decades.

        If you feel like doing one more thing, buy a couple of seasonal candles to give the place a Christmas scent. I’m partial to pine scents but lots of people love Christmas baking scented candles.

    2. Would oranges studded with cloves interest you? Cheap, festive, and make the house smell good. Pinterest has lots of pictures.

    5. I think that the fresh flowers are a great idea. Another one would be to get a set of four pillow covers from @mazon that match your holiday aesthetic. That way, you can pack them away flat when the season passes. Also, a matching throw for the sofa would be nice.

    6. My favorite color is red, and I love that when holidays roll around I can just continue using the things I already love. See what you have that is bright and cheerful? When you buy, go for things that are plain and can blend in the rest of the year?

    7. I’m so confused why you think you don’t have “any” holiday decor when you have a tree, stockings, pointsettas, and you’re getting a garland and a wreath. That already sounds like a lot! Way more than I do. What exactly do you think you’re missing?

    9. Buy a string (or a few strings) of super tiny, battery powered lights in soft white. Put them into any wide mouth glass containers that you have, vases, mason jars, whatever. If you are feeling it, throw some holiday greens around the outside container base. These looks so festive and elegant with nearly no effort.

    10. Heads up on the poinsettia – it’s very common to be allergic to poinsettias, so if anybody you’re expecting as a guest has asthma or hayfever, those are a bad idea.

      1. They are also mildly toxic to cats and dogs, if you have any pets that like to chew on plants.

    11. Christmas trees definitely need a tree skirt or collar, unless you mean like a little potted tree. A naked tree stand is sad looking.

      I assume you mean to decorate the tree. Even if you don’t want to go overboard, some lights and maybe some wooden bead garlands would look lovely. Add a box of silver or gold ornaments and you’re set.

      I like a nice wreath on the front door if possible. Also (unless you or they are sensitive to smells), seasonal candles burning always make for a cozy feel.

    12. I love getting holiday decor on Buy Nothing. I get something fun and new to me that I use a couple years and then pass on. The current round is three old-fashioned looking Santas in beautiful robes who stand by the fireplace.

    13. Get some candles (tea lights?) for evening. You don’t need anything else. Sounds lovely!

  7. What helped you develop confidence as an elementary aged kid if you weren’t an athlete?

    1. Always knowing the answer. (Can’t say I recommend this as a long-term strategy, but it’s true!)

      Less prone to blow up in one’s face later in life: rich imaginative life encouraged by my parents, both alone and in conjunction with my sisters; parents who took my questions seriously and kept our education going long after picking us up from school; all the books; family ties to other parts of the world.

    2. Dance. Theater. Messaging at home that I could do anything. Having “stuff” in keeping with what was trending at school (back then, new Madonna tapes, esprit clothes).

    3. Reading books about kids who had harder lives than mine and were nevertheless fine.

      Failing and/or suffering and being able to be fine afterwards — being brought up not to stay down.

    4. doing well in school, music and theater, having a few close friends, parents who prioritized fun-educational stuff like interesting children’s museums, and plenty of toys for imaginative play. (I had super intricate Barbie plots!)

    5. Any activity the kid enjoys, works hard at, and sees improvement and success in.

    6. I read The Amazing Brain series in 4th grade and it was really mind-opening to a 10YO. Before that, it is unfair, but I was really tall and was regarded as more X than I probably was (in any area) just because of stature. Oddly, I didn’t relish being tall and had a horrible slumpy posture that I am still trying to correct.

    7. Books, parents who thought I was interesting, travel, friends, choir. Astonishing to me really that the default assumption would be sports.

      2. I guess it depends on the goals of the sports. If it’s “all boys shpukd play football,” it’s weird. If the goal is to be active, learn new skills, meet kids from other schools, and learn the value of discipline and training (age appropriate), that is a different story.

        1. I live in the Northeast so while football is popular, it’s not like Texas or anything (and am not far enough north that hockey is king). Literally every kid I knows plays a sport. Some are multi-sport athletes, some kids train intensely year round for one sport, and some kids play rec league for fun. But it is not at all odd to be that the default assumption is sports.

          Many of the kids I know also do art, theater, choir, church groups, boy or girl scouts, mathletes, school clubs like newspaper or debate while playing sports. Some kids just play sports.

          But, in my town it would be different if a kid doesn’t play any sports.

    8. Strong church community that supported me and cheered me on during the Christmas pageant, kids’ choir concert, children’s reenactment of the Biblical flood, and all manner of other things that I probably wasn’t particularly good at.

      1. Also, reading lots of books about smart shy kids who ended up being The Chosen One (Harry Potter was after my time, but that sort of thing), giving me hopes that at some point a wizard or prophet or whatever would show up and clue me in on my One True Destiny.

      2. Lol this reminds me that even though I don’t attend church now, I was Mary in not one but TWO Christmas pageants and sometimes when I’m feeling down about something 20 years later, I remind myself that I had the HBIC energy to be Mary in both my church and my Catholic school’s pageant (parish was small so the school consisted of a few parishes). If I could pull that off as a small child, I can do whatever my day throws at me.

        1. Ha – not elementary, but I was Snoopy in my high school production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. If I could wear a fur suit and sing in front of my entire school at 17, I can do anything.

        2. I was Mary in our church nativity play but I totally could see the names on the slips of paper that we drew out of a hat to pick roles and I have had guilt ever since!!

        3. I was a snarky, uncooperative camel in one of my school Christmas productions. Not gonna lie, the casting was pretty spot on by my third grade teacher.

    9. Having something that you’re good at and recognized as being good at by your classmates. I played sports throughout high school, but wasn’t great at them, and I remember feeling great when a classmate who I knew but certainly wasn’t friends with recognized me for something else that I did. I was like wow! People know who I am AND know what my “thing” is.

    10. Reading, reading, reading…..so I knew loads more than my peers
      Mum telling me I could beat the boys any day
      Good grades due to hard work, and seeing that correlation

    11. Piano and choir, the arts can do wonders for a kid’s confidence. (They can also mess if you up if you have a bad teacher!)

    12. Going to summer camp with friends that I didn’t go to school with/having after school activities with people I didn’t go to school with, so I could rely on a wider circle of friends when girl drama got to be too much and try new things knowing that I wouldn’t have to see these people every day if I did poorly.

      I don’t know how the pressures of social media would affect this if you kid has reached that age, though – part of why I valued having separate friend groups is that I felt like I had a break from the social hierarchy stuff that permeated late elementary/middle school. Social media might mean that kids just always feel “on” and worried about how their peers see them, which could be exhausting and easily mess with confidence.

    13. I think confidence comes from doing some things you’re naturally good at, but also some things that don’t come so easily. I’m naturally very good at academics, but it came so easily that it didn’t really give me much of a confidence boost. I also would have said I wasn’t an athlete in elementary school, as I was very uncoordinated and therefore terrible at any ball sport. But I decided to run track and cross country in high school and was a pretty much middle of the pack runner, not amazing not terrible. That experience of really having to work for something and not automatically be good did so much more to develop my confidence than all of my academic achievements. I don’t run anymore, but I continue to be active and outdoorsy, and really value the experience of learning to listen to my body, how to build fitness, how to deal with pain and fatigue, and being part of a team. That doesn’t have to be part of organized sports, but doing something active can be helpful, even if you don’t think of yourself as an athlete, or you can find it in some other activity, but especially for smart kids, I encourage doing something different.

    16. Being smart. I was socially awkward didn’t have a lot of friends, so knowing that I was the best student in the class was all that kept me going.

      (No worries, I am an adult now and have lots of lovely friends)

  8. Starting to get influenced by a couple ads I’ve been hearing on podcasts…..does anyone here actually used or has tried Athletics Greens or the Seed Synbiotic? Can you actually tell a difference in how you feel?

    1. I am trying to be influenced by fountain pen ads and I am thisclose to giving in. Who doesn’t need a fountain pen and some pretty ink? For all of my correspondence, check-writing, and doing place cards for my dinner parties. IDK what I’d do with them, but it beats buying more futile powerball tickets with my $.

      1. I have a fountain pen and I find it helpful for those day at work when I just don’t want to do anything. Writing out my to do list in fountain pen cheers me up!

          2. Many pens use ink cartridges. I used that kind all through law school (my handwriting is better with fountain pens and they are fun if an affectation). The super fancy kind my dad uses do use jars of ink. I think Many pens could use either cartridges or bottled ink.

          3. They are little plastic tubes full of ink. You unscrew the pen, stick the tube in, and the ink is what comes out of the pen tip (so in practice it works like a regular pen). You can also buy the kind of cartridges that you refill yourself from a jar of ink.

    2. I have a few friends who have tried Athletic Greens but I think eventually stopped because of the cost. They are all hard sciences grad students who were previously living off of Soylent + free food at school. So, basically they used Soylent/Athletic Greens to get whatever vitamins they were going to get that day and then would continue to live a grad student life (free pizza, less gym time and sleep time than they should, running on fumes) so no discernible difference in how they feel due to the otherwise subpar lifestyle

    3. Athletic Greens contains probiotics. Ramp up slowly and carefully otherwise they can do a number on your stomach. And check out the nutritional facts to see if you’re already getting the nutrients through a daily multivitamin. If your usual vitamin covers most of the ingredients then don’t throw money down the drain.

    4. My friend takes atheletic greens every day. I tried it once–it’s like a light pineapple banana fake flavor and I didn’t love it. She seems to think it does something and is worth the price. That’s all I got!

  9. It’s 75 degrees in Boston right now but soon it will be cold. I’m spending thanksgiving with family in Nashville. Ideas for a festive yet casual outfit? I’m a tall size 10 pear.

    1. I’ve been really digging the pleated/a-line skirt and cozy sweater vibe that Pinterest has been force-feeding me lately. You could get both pieces in colors that you could wear again in the future or jump in and get something with a little bit of sparkle to it.

      As for what to do about footwear… this is something that I myself am struggling with at present!

    2. Nashville weather is milder so lean into fall themed outfits that are impractical for actual cold. Like a sweater dress with booties and bare legs, maybe a leather jacket on top.

      1. This. More often than not, we have our Thanksgiving lunch outside. My family is super casual, but I am doing a sweater vest over a button down with jeans and mules. Boston cold weather clothes will smother you here.

        Also, if you want non Thanksgiving food, try any of Maneet Chauhaun’s restaurants, Epice or the food court at 5th and Broad if you’re downtown (it’s all local restaurants/food trucks and is “near” the tourists while still giving you some space from them.

  10. Any recommendations for affordable sports bras with a very small band size for a 12YO who is very endowed? I don’t think a simple compression bra is adequate (based on friends) and my further understanding is that something zip-front is easy to put on/take off when sweaty (vs yanking something structured over tender skin). Other kid and I are OK with just compression bras, so new territory here. Kid is 30D in Aerie but IMO that overstates the band and may understate the cup size (but was the best we could find). Of course kiddo is horrified of bra stores (not that I think we could easily find this locally without spending a day driving around). If none that would work are affordable, that is OK (just hoping to avoid $$$ bra territory, which I understand is a thing but needed).

    1. I used to be a 32F/30E and I could wear the pullover kind, they just needed to be made of “premium” fabric. With a small band, the cups weren’t big enough to need any serious feats of engineering. Probably Lululemon would have a good selection if you’re ok with the price. I used to run in an Energy bra but they also have a bunch of high support running bras with clasps in the back. I think a lot of regular bra brands like Natori or Wacoal for some reason tend to have sports bras unlined cups – beware of those

    2. Check out the Panache 5021 – available on Amazon down to 28. This is the best sports bra I have ever tried.

    3. Freya and Panache both make excellent sports bras that start at 28 (maybe smaller, but 28 is what I was seeking) and both offer a range of cup sizes and excellent support. Prepare for sticker shock if you don’t buy these kinds of bras for yourself. I would buy 1 or 2 and just wash often.

    4. The three I personally wear (as a 34H) are:
      – Panache High impact sports bra (is wired, has a standard bra closure). Goes down to a 28 band. There is also a wireless version with slightly less support. Both have some padding, and can be worn comfortably as a regular bra.
      – Shock Absorber multi-sport- band runs small, there are a couple of different versions, this one has multiple clasps in the back that keeps it in place really well! These have no padding and just hold you in place.
      – Anita High IMpact Wirefree sports bra- has a bit of padding, but really breathable.
      While on the higher cost size, once you find the size and style you like look for sales.
      For lower impact things I can also sometimes make do with higher neck compression bras, often the DD+ from Athleta.
      Additionally, if you look up madisonxalexandra on instagram (and some other platforms) she has a bunch of sports bra recommendations with large cup and smaller band (I think she is a 26H or so)

    5. I like Girlfriend Collective. There was a recent consumer warning that many sports bras have harmful BPA chemicals in them (many name brands). The Girlfriend Collective is BPA free. They are mid-range in price though.

    6. If she’s running or doing anything else high impact, the best I’ve found is shock absorber.

    7. I am a similar proportion. Small band (30/32) and large cup size (FF/GG). Panache sports bras are fantastic and go down to 28. Warning; when you have a large ration like this none are cheap and inventory is limited. Nordstrom is usually a decent source but I know what I wear so order on line. Amazon sometimes has good prices on Panache.

    8. The SheFit bras are fully adjustable at the band and straps. You get great bang for your buck, because she can keep wearing them as she grows and changes. I like the Flex bra.

      1. I have one of these, and it really does a good job. I do like the adjustable nature of it for myself as well, because I gain and lose weight more often than I should!

    9. I’m an adult who can relate (currently a 36J, although I’m nursing so that’s the biggest delta I’ve ever had! Usually a 34F or 32G). I run half marathons and, well, see my username for additional information. I may be one level up from her, but here are my tips.

      First, you need to find her actual size. If you search “abrathatfits”, you’ll find a social media community that has measurement instructions and a calculator. She should probably remeasure every few months. (I remeasure every six months and I’m theoretically “done” growing).

      Second, and there is no getting around this, you are going to have to order just a ton of stuff to try on. Nordstrom Rack often has weird sizes on sale. Have her try everything on. Anticipate you’ll return all but one at best. Then buy multiples of that one. She will need to try each of those on, too, because sizing even of the same darn thing can be inconsistent when you’re on the margins. For that reason, I’d order things that are “in the ballpark” of her size in addition to stuff that’s right on the nose. She should do some burpees in whatever she thinks the winner is, btw, to make sure it actually works for her.

      If she’s just doing yoga, you can probably use virtually anything. But if it’s high impact, you should use the steps above. (Some runners like to layer two, but I always found the mashing that that created to be impossibly uncomfortable).

      I hope this helps! FWIW, getting the band size right is the most important part. The band provides the support. I spill out of some of mine at the top, but the band fits, so they lock me down enough for my purposes.

    10. I would just get her a proper sports bra in her actual size. I was her size her age, and not having a proper sports bra was miserable, especially during PMS when they hurt.

      Would recommend Shock absorber as the best sports bra by far. They are super tight in the band, so she might not need a smaller than 30, but otherwise look into 28.

    11. Very endowed, and I still haven’t found a sports bra that provides better support than a properly fitted bra from one of the brand that does small band + large cup sizing (which is going to be mail order and yeah it will probably be expensive but it’s truly worth it).

    12. I’m a 30dd and most of lululemon’s bras fit me. Once you know your sizes it’s easy to get them for $30-40 on sale. They recently started allowing returns on sale items as well if you are a member.

    13. Anita has great sports bras. I like the ones that have regular hooked backs, not pullover. I’m 30DD to DDD. It’s hard to find 30 bands.

    14. Elomi makes a great sports bra. I’ve got her body aged up to 40 or so (36J) and the Elomi sports bras are the only ones I wear. They have an underwire which I remember being embarrassed about in school as all my b-cup or less friends were wearing sports bras that pulled over their heads, but it really makes a HUGE different in comfort when actually doing the activities for which you need a sports bra.

      1. Agree on the comfort issue, but Elomi starts at a 32 band, so it’s not a brand that will work for a teen with a smaller than 30 band.

        The UK and Polish brands are always better for the smaller bands – bigger cups ones, in my experience.

    15. I’m a similar size to your daughter, and I recommend lululemon. Their high impact styles are super comfy.

  11. Ladies who like to entertain: hit me with your favorite shortcut foods.

    I love to entertain – the menu planning, the invitations, flowers, linens – all of it. When I was younger, I had the typical flops of wanting to make absolutely everything from scratch, trying new recipes for company, etc, etc. I’ve been throwing my Christmas party for 15 years now, and it’s gotten much more streamlined, but I still have to tamp down on my natural desire to do too much 😉 Any recs for shortcut or store-bought party foods that are particularly impressive and/or popular? I’m trying to cut down (…more, ha) on the number of dishes I make from scratch in the days and hours before the party. For context, this is a cocktail party for ~75, so fussy dishes are a non-starter. I do have one kitchen helper who refills platters and picks up dirty dishes, and I could hire a second if needed.

    1. Everybody loves dips, so I lean hard into dips when I host. I get some store-bought ones and some I make but the beauty is that most of them can be made a day or two in advance and they almost all come together quickly (hot dips may have take a while to bake, but the assembly and active cooking parts are quick).

      – I usually do a store bought 7 layer dip which is always one of the most popular options. People love it – I just get it from Acme and think it’s store brand. Acme also has a really good selection of packaged dips – I particularly love their parmesan artichoke dip.
      – Salsa and guac and chips are easy. Trader Joe’s guilt free guacamole is the best (only good, IMO) store bought guac and they also have great salsas.
      – TGI Fridays frozen spinach artichoke dip is great.
      – Baked brie is always a hit and so easy/quick to make. I like to add cranberry to it.
      – Cruidte with ranch and/or hummus. Very easy – especially if you buy pre-cut veggies.
      – Cheese and crackers similarly easy. Plus I love the excuse for festive cheese knives.
      – You could get a catered charcuterie board – obviously you can make yourself too but I find picking one up from a specialty food store or caterer’s is nice because they do such a nice presentation.
      – Maybe not the vibe for a Christmas party, but buffalo chicken dip is a crowd favorite and very easy.
      – I am still perfecting my crab dip recipe, but there are good options out there.

      Costco has a great selection of frozen apps (in big enough quantities for a large party) that are great. I have yet to find someone who doesn’t love a mini quiche.

      Shrimp cocktail is great. You can have the store cook the shrimp so you just assemble the platter. Homemade cocktail sauce is easy, but jarred is also good.

      I love making spinach balls – pretty easy, slightly time consuming but not too bad, and people LOVE them. My family begs me to bring them to gatherings. They also freeze very well if you wanted to prep in advance and just cook them for the party.

      Caprese skewers are fun (or prosciutto and melon) and aren’t hard – if you have kids or niblings you can enlist it’s an easy enough task for a young kid to do.

      My entire family goes to a family friend’s house every year for Christmas Eve and they always have mini crab cakes and that is a winning app!

      1. Also adding: I usually only do 1-2 “signature” dishes and everything else I do comes from the store. So, maybe I’d do spinach balls and caprese skewers and then do the mini quiches, shrimp cocktail, salsa and guac and 7 layer dip, or something.

    2. I’ll flag that at my sister’s wedding brunch, her MIL did some frozen mini quiches either from Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s that were insanely delicious. My husband is still talking about them, ha.

    3. I’d get all the frozen TJs apps and hire 2 more servers. Have them cook and plate and pass around. I’d also get a bartender and do a couple of batched drinks ahead of time.

    4. – Easy stuffed mushrooms: remove the stems then roast the mushrooms a day or two in advance. The day of the party put some boursin cheese in the mushroom, sprinkle with breadcrumbs, and throw in the oven.
      – I love frozen mini phyllo cups. You can fill them with a piece of brie, craisins, and walnuts or store bought spinach artichoke dip with paprika.
      – Feta baked 10 minutes in a ceramic dish with honey and thyme. Serve with pita crackers.
      – Buy a package of plain hummus then divide it into multiple bowls with different seasonings (smoked paprika, zatar, chipotle powder…)
      – Spiced nuts. Buy some mixed nuts, toss with a little butter and your seasoning mix of choice, then bake a few minutes.

    5. Union square cafe bar nuts (google the recipe) with double the spices and triple the fresh rosemary, everyone goes nuts for it. Mini quiche loraines – a total pain to assemble but easy to pop out and taste good room temperature (and the smell amazing). Pigs in a blanket are a classic for a reason! I also like doing mini pretzels and queso (or beer cheese) in a small crockpot so it stays nice and warm.

      2. they also use some peanut oil in frying so might not be good for those with allergies

      1. Puff pastry is my secret for fancy food that isn’t.
        Bakes brie, tartlets, sausage rolls, vegetable pie…

    8. Pigs n a blanket are always popular and there are frozen versions you just get to pop in the oven. Similar frozen things like tiny empanadas, samosas, goat cheese tartlets, etc.
      Baked brie is low stress and popular – pre-made puff pastry, some kind of jam on top. That’s all.
      I love the Alison Roman labne dip – you can premake the scallion oil and it’s easy to assemble.
      For sweets, bar cookies is where it’s at – super rich brownies or blondies (or the smitten kitchen brown butter rice krispies) that can be cut into small pieces, for instance.

      1. A few weeks ago someone recommended the Trader Joes blondie mix. I cut them into small pieces, drizzled with store bought caramel syrup, and topped them with sea salt. They were a big hit!

    9. I’ve posted this before, but people love crockpot mini meatballs with grape jelly/chili sauce. I use the frozen mini meatballs from Trader Joe’s and it makes it like 5 min prep time: https://www.culinaryhill.com/crockpot-meatballs-with-grape-jelly-sauce/

      Also this is an even-more-decadant-than-usual version or artichoke dip: https://www.leahcookskosher.com/show_recipe.php?id_recipe=8 I serve it with the Fritos “scoops” chips

      People rave about this shrimp relish tray. It’s a bit of a pain to make the celery “planks” but it’s worth it: https://www.marthastewart.com/1522035/quick-shrimp-relish-tray

    10. For an open house type party I love trader joes meatballs in sriracha bbq sauce. Put in crock pot, leave all day with a cup of toothpicks. I also like a shredded buffalo chicken dip. Make ahead, heat and put out in stoneware.

    11. If there will be any kids or kid-like adults, make pigs in a blanket from pilsbury crescent roll dough (the refrigerated pop open cans) and lil’ smokies. I like the turkey variety. Put out a ramekin of yellow mustard next to them.

      Honestly “for the kids” is an excuse. These disappear within minutes of being put on the table whether there are kids present or not.

      Other shortcuts: TJ’s frozen mini-quiches. A frozen/defrosted shrimp ring. A crockpot of frozen meatballs in a mixture of grape jelly and a bottled chili sauce (I like Heinz)

      1. I scrolled up and saw someone mentioned Boursin cheese for baking.

        Last time I had people to my backyard unexpectedly, I put out Boursin cheese, Mary’s crackers (the seedy ones) and some red grapes. My guests kept asking me what kind of cheese it was haha. They wolfed it down.

        I used to live down the street from a famous cheese shop and would put out a plate of carefully selected cheeses, but I’ve never seen anything get gobbled up as quickly as the grocery store Boursin.

        1. I have learned two things from this thread!

          – That there are people who make their own pigs in a blanket. I’ve definitely only ever had frozen ones. Ditto mini quiches.
          – That there are people who don’t have Boursin as an app at every gathering. And sometimes just for themselves for dinner.

          1. Haha I admire your Boursin dinners. It’s delicious. I’m somewhat lactose intolerant so it would be a disaster for me, but go you!

            P.s. rolling grocery store little sausages in pre-made dough isn’t what a lot of people would consider “homemade” but it works for us :)

      2. That crescent dough is amazing! Roll it up with a little mozzarella, prosciutto, and pesto or tomato sauce. It’s like fancy Totino’s pizza rolls.

        1. This is brilliant. A mozarella ball and some pesto in a crescent roll sounds amazing.

    12. 75 guests??

      Catering!

      Aioli and foccacchia
      Cheese, olives, charcuterie
      Meatballs (gluten&lactose free) in spicy tomato sauce
      Smoked mackerel and salmon, sourcream dip
      Vegetables (Whole foods trays) with salsa and hummus, chips
      Baked salad potatoes
      Greek salad
      A grain or lentil salad (vegan, gluten&lactose free)
      Baked Mediterranean vegetables

      Little chicken satay sticks
      Spring or summer rolls
      Mini quiches or omelets

  12. Anyone ever had a PT recommend “Rolfing”? Any personal experiences?

    Not to be confused with internet lingo ROFL, which was my first inclination and couldn’t be farther from what the practice sounds like!

    1. I did it 12 years ago, but just 1 session off a Groupon deal (I was broke in San Francisco in 2010, it was the Groupon era) and it fixed my bad shoulder for YEARS! It’s acting up again and I really should see if I can find a ROLFer in Scotland.

    2. I’d never heard of it until my co-worker mentioned it. She says it’s been a big help (along with regular PT) for a sports injury. It seems a little woo-woo to me but I imagine that varies with the practitioner, like chiro.

    3. I’ve never tried rolfing, but I swear by active release therapy/graston technique. So if it’s anything like that (or hopefully a little gentler?) I would go for it.

    4. Yes, I ran into a Rolfer at a meditation retreat who fixed my shoulder that hadn’t healed completely from a rotator injury, and did something magical about an ankle I had sprained a couple of years prior that wasn’t quite right. Unfortunately he lives in a different state, and I’ve been looking for somebody I can trust locally…

      FWIW, Rolfing is suffering from a bad reputation because it used to be mega-painful. That was not my experience, but I keep hearing stories from people who had it done in the 70s and 80s when it was more popular.

      1. I had it done in the 80s and yes, it was indeed painful. At each session I’d decide, “Okay, THAT part hurt the most!” (It concentrates on a body part at a time.)

        I can’t say that it relieved anything in particular.

        I would do it again, though. Obviously that was a long time ago and there have been injuries since then, arthritis has set in in a few places, and, well, just general again and sitting at a desk. Thanks for the reminder!

    5. I have a PT who is a FMT and focuses a lot on fascia manipulation. She has worked wonders. I think it is similar to rolfing? It’s working checking out Functional Manual Therapy if you’re trying to find a similar provider.

    6. Was doing it regularly until I found out my practicioner was anti-vax, then did not feel comfortable. Highly recommend; literally would walk out a new person. My old Pilates instructor could always tell when I’d been (she’d say – oh you must have gone to rolfing) b/c my gait was so natural after a session.

    7. I loved Rolfing and would definitely recommend. I first did a one-off session to see if I liked it and would describe it as a very deep tissue massage though there is to me a woo woo alignment and health aspect to it. I love deep tissue and this was and is the best I’ve ever experienced. I then booked the full 10 sessions – there’s like a series of sessions that each focus on different parts of the body. I loved mostly all of them and so looked forward to the appointments. (Mostly – one session involved the face and that was a little weird.) I would leave the sessions feeling so incredible good and it would last through the next day. I recommended it to a lot of people when I was doing it and some still go regularly though I imagine it may depend on the Rolfer. Mine was so great.

  13. What are your best recommendations for black tights for someone who lives in Texas (i.e. it gets kind of cold, but at most into the 30s and I’m in an office)? Def don’t need FLEECE TIGHTS! ;) Has anyone tried the brands that are supposed to be super durable, and do you recommend them over a drug store brand? Thanks!!

      1. +1. I find both Loft’s regular tights and the fleece-lined to be well-fitting and durable.

    2. I’m in a similar climate (Arkansas) and usually just go to Target and get a few pairs of whatever is in stock. I’ve had as good luck with those as with any of the more expensive brands. I am very gentle on my clothes– I always change when I get home, and I wash the tights in cold water in a lingerie bag and air dry.

      1. +1 for Target (I’m in north Florida). I like that they have multiple options for thickness/opacity. I prefer how the truly opaque ones look and wear but also don’t need fleece.

    3. Years ago I read an article by a costume designer that the best opaque black tights are from Target. My trick is to buy 1-2 sizes larger. Extremely durable, easy to care for and suuuper comfy. Target black tights forever!!!

      1. I’m not super tall, but tall enough that the crotch on Target tights barely reaches mid-thigh on me. Even when sizing up.

          2. I’m 5’10” with disproportionately long legs, and Spanx opaque are the only way to go for length. I’ve had some pairs for years!

        2. Oh interesting! I’m 5’7″ and have not had the crotch problem with the Target tights, but it’s been a couple years since I’ve bought a new pair.

    4. Oh interesting! I’m 5’7″ and have not had the crotch problem with the Target tights, but it’s been a couple years since I’ve bought a new pair.

      2. DKNY tall size tights have been my go-to for years. They fit 5’10” me, and they last forever.

    7. Not in Texas, but I like Commando. They are on the slightly more expensive side, but they are definitely durable. They generally last me multiple seasons.

    9. I like Spanx’s tights. If you buy one size up, they are not too spanx-y and they last a super-long time, and are comfy around the waist precisely because they are control top all the way up/it’s not just the waistband digging in. Also, PSA, Spanx’s nylons are not good.

  14. I’ve had a really hard couple of weeks, my family experienced multiple losses so had multiple funerals and unexpected travel for those. I’m still tired from a burial yesterday but I have to start digging out my email and projects. I’m behind on a lot of things. Using funeral absences sounds like an excuse and also may sound like a lie, since some people knew of the first funeral which was two weeks ago and I just got back from #3. I am out of bereavement leave and vaguely want to be at work instead of home, but it’s already 10 my time and I haven’t gotten anything done. Today is mostly unscheduled, I have two half hour phone calls later. Tomorrow is heavily scheduled, 7-8 meetings. I’m dreading tomorrow but need to make progress today if tomorrow will be any easier.
    Any tips for how to get through today?

    1. Are you at home? On days like this, I pull out a timer: 15 minutes of work stuff, then 10 minutes of home stuff (which might be starting laundry, scrolling social media, wandering around getting tea . . . whatever). Something about switching off regularly and knowing I only have to do 15 minutes of work until I can veg out again helps me actually get something done, yet not feel more tired out by it.

      Also, go easy on yourself, and simply tell people the truth (3 funerals in 4 weeks, or whatever it is). You’re likely physically and emotionally exhausted, and there is simply no way around the need to get some physical and emotional rest.

    2. Be gentle on yourself and if anyone is less than understanding, that’s on them and not on you. Do the minimum you need to get through today and be prepped for tomorrow, and plan to catch up on the rest slowly.

      I’m sorry for your losses!

    3. Do you have a team that can back you? If so, USE THEM. I have been the coworker in this situation and didn’t blink an eye at picking up whatever I could from my grieving coworkers backlog.

      (In our situation, two of us stood in her office and went through her email/desk piles with her. “Forward me this, so and so can take that one. Oh, I know him – let me reach out and punt this due date another month.”)

      1. This is wonderful. I’d do this in a shot for a coworker if they said they needed help.

    4. I’m so sorry for your losses. I would absolutely believe someone who told me they’d had three funerals in as many weeks (flu/COVID/general state of the world).
      I’d spend 10 minutes getting prepped for each of tomorrow’s meetings. Shoot your project team members emails letting them know you’re back and catching up. See if one of them could meet with you for 15 minutes to get you up to speed. Order yourself meals for the week so you have more mental space.

    5. “Using funeral absences sounds like an excuse and also may sound like a lie” — Hmm. If someone told me they’d been at three funerals in as many weeks, my reaction would be far from “she’s lying.” I’d be bending over backwards to give them space. If being at work feels better, then that’s okay, but this internet stranger does not expect you to be productive. Anyone who has experienced grief knows even one funeral’s sadness extends beyond the small amount of bereavement time a few employers now finally dole out.

    6. Agree with using your team. Can you schedule 15-30 min meetings with your key contacts (reports, boss, or peers) who can give you an update on current status of key items so you don’t have to wade through your emails?
      So sorry for your rough month. I hope things improve.

  15. Thoughts? Friends invited us (and our 9 and 11 yr old) over for big holiday friends gathering. Invite says come at 1, eat at 4. We aren’t as close anymore, but kids go to same school. What time should we go? Arriving at 1 seems like a long day if we socialize for 3 hours, eat, then hang out after….and I don’t want to show up at 4 either and be rude.
    They plan on having a traditional holiday meal, which seems a lot for group of kids that mostly want to play or watch a movie.
    Maybe I need to not be so grinchy?

    1. I think you need to stop being so grinchy. They probably want to just hang out and have fun, maybe play games, before dinner. Very normal. If you don’t want to socialize with them then say you’re unavailable.

    3. Is it an open house style party? How many other people are invited? Is everyone partaking in a sit down traditional meal or just adults while kids play and graze? Is this on the holiday itself or a party near the holiday?

      If it’s a small gathering, you need to suck it up and show up just after 1. Regardless of the style of party it is, you can’t show up just before 4. If it’s a big gathering, there will be plenty of people to chat and mingle with so you don’t have to worry about it being awkward with people you’re not as close with.

      Overall, I think less grinchy is the answer :)

      1. it’s a medium 20 people friendsgiving with an everyone sit down and have turkey and the fixings type meal. which is nice of them to do, but so much work for a crowd with kids.
        less grinchy is going to be my end of year resolution :)

        1. I’d get there between 1:30 & 2. I’d also assume that they want people to come before so there’s less hanging out afterwards. Especially if everyone has kids who will be worn out after 4-5 hours around 20 people.

    4. 1. And be less grinchy- the kids can run around and play. They’re making an effort to have a party, show up for it. You might even be surprised at how much fun you have.

    5. If you think your kids won’t be able to handle 4+ hours of socialization with people they don’t know well anymore (I get it, mine wouldn’t either) for it can you tell them you’re not able to make it until later but you’d love to join them for pie if that’s ok? Or just decline and try to find a time to grab dinner after the holiday madness?

      1. Oh man when I have kids can I blame them for stuff like this? Because, uh, I also don’t want to socialize for 4 hours with people I don’t know well.

      2. As a host, I don’t like this. Either come or don’t come. But coming for dessert is just a pain, and it’s hard to explain why.

        2. It just feels rude to me, unless you have an actual conflict. Like, your party isn’t worth spending my whole afternoon at but I can come grace you with my presence for an hour?

          It’s one thing to be like hey, Joey’s soccer game is at 1, so we’ll be there by 2:30 but another thing to be like we can’t come for dinner, but we’ll be there for dessert.

        3. +1 it is stressful to know that more people are showing up later on but not know exactly when, and have to plan for extra chairs and plates for dessert but not the meal.

    7. I’d say be less grinch; when I have friends over for dinner it is usually a 6+ hour affair so this timeline doesn’t seem odd to me. Parents mingle, kids run wild, everyone eats. Sounds fun to me.

    8. Sounds normal to me! Arriving early (though maybe not at 1 on the dot) seems like plenty of time to allow the kids to play before dinner. A 9 and 11 year old should be plenty old enough to handle a traditional holiday meal.

      2. this. plus if the kids are 9 & 11, they should be able to handle 4 hours of being at a dinner party with perhaps some snacks and a movie or book if they find the adults boring.

    9. I am confused as to what is wrong with the friend’s plan? It seems like a normal Thanksgiving to me?

    10. I’d go at 2 or 2:30 ish and I would bring a hostess gift plus something to share (but I’d check on the something to share ahead of time)

      1. Arriving 1.5 hours after the stated start time is rude, unless it’s specifically framed as a “roll through when you can” situation

        1. I took this as a sort of open house from 1-4 and a be there by 4 for sure kind of invitation. Three hours is way too much mingling time otherwise. I wouldn’t expect kids to be able to deal with that much time without needing a nap or a meal or a meltdown.

          1. The kids are 9 and 11! In my experience, parties like this are essentially a giant playdate for kids. Like kids are all in the yard or basement having fun and the adults are in the living room having a cocktail party. I’d assume there’d be plenty of appetizers for all from 1-4.

            We often have “whole family parties” with 3-5 other families and the kids run and play, the adults have their party, and then everyone has dinner (sometimes together, sometimes not). These parties easily last 5-6 hours.

    11. It’s fine to decline if you don’t want to go! I invite people to things because I think they’d enjoy it and 100% don’t want them there if they wouldn’t. Please don’t give an excuse, just say something like “thank you so much for thinking of me. that sounds like so much fun. unfortunately, we won’t be able to make it.”

  16. Thank you to everyone who left kind comments when I posted about being fired last week. It has been devastating and awful. The thing that hurts the most is this isn’t the first time I’ve been fired. I don’t know how I keep ending up in these situations with toxic, micromanaging, hateful bosses. I’ve never been fired because I did something really bad or wrong or made an obvious mistake. I just somehow keep working for really bad bosses and now I feel like I don’t know how to judge a company or a boss accurately. But I’ve also had jobs where I’ve done well and succeeded and was well-liked – so I don’t get it.

    I have reached out to therapists which I hope helps. I need help dealing with this and I’m not coping very well and I feel like giving up, honestly.

    I wish I had the money to go back to school and retrain for something completely different, or just run away and start a new life.

    1. Sending you good vibes. My kind, hardworking, and smart husband has been fired twice in the past five years and it’s been really tough for him too. As someone wish a slightly outside perspective, I could see how unhappy he was at both places and how stressed he was all the time, so while getting fired was terrible and hard, staying was hard too. I hope you are able to get some support and can understand that getting fired a lot of times comes down to a bad match and bad luck. I think therapy is a great place to start with figuring out how you can choose a better next job where you can thrive.

    2. I am so sorry you’re going through this. First of all, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You know this, but I imagine on some level you are finding it hard to believe at this vulnerable moment. But it truly isn’t your fault.

      I can relate. I was recently part of mass layoffs but I suspect (though can never prove) that I was selected because my awful, toxic, micromanaging, and unethical boss didn’t like me. With a little time away from the job, I can now see how much it was affecting my health. I was having panic attacks and turning into a shell of myself. You will be better off out of this situation, even if you have to go through some rough times in the transition.

      I am feeling similarly. Interviewing feels scary because I truly never know how a boss will turn out to be or when a situation might change from normal to destabilizing. I guess the truth is you never really know, and the only constant is change. So know this: You have been through good and bad times before at work, and you likely will again. You are now more resilient and more capable than you were before because you have gotten through the hard times and learned that you emerge stronger from them, so whatever you face next might not be quite as scary because you know you can rely on yourself.

      Thinking of you and wishing you the best during this tough transition.

    3. I know this isn’t helpful, but sometimes it truly is bad luck. I worked for 2 sociopaths back to back, it really messed me up, I questioned my judgement and I talked to my therapist at length about how I could be so naive. My current boss is possibly the sweetest human I’ve ever met, I’ve worked with her for 3 years and I tell her all the time I won’t leave her. When I was deep in the depths of working for a bad boss, I would not have believed I’d work for such a wonderful human and actually be happy with my job.

    4. I was just talking about this with my mentor (how hard it is to tell in advance whether a boss/company will be toxic) – we both are mystified as to how to tell in advance. As a “strategy” we kind of landed on needing to have a good support network and an exit plan, and just seeing how it goes. We both recognized that that isn’t great, but couldn’t come up with anything better. So… it’s not just you. I hope you are feeling better soon, getting let go is such an ego blow even when you know it wasn’t about your performance.

    5. Most of us need to work more than we can be choosy about who we work for, so winding up with a few really, really bad bosses is par for the course, unfortunately (no matter what you you might hear about it being an employee’s market).
      I’m glad you’re reaching out to therapists and I wish I could say something helpful. You’re not alone. Hugs from this internet stranger, if you want them.

    6. Forgive me if this isn’t helpful. Last week when you were fired, did you get any kind of rationale? Were you fired for cause? Was your role eliminated? Were you on a series of performance plans and not making improvement? I’ve had to lay people off, and I’ve had to fire people, and those are two very different conversations. Nobody I’ve fired left without understanding why, particularly because it was all documented very clearly.

      If you were on a performance plan and not hitting the goals, is there a way to understand where your weaknesses might be and then looking for roles that don’t require those skill sets?

    7. Out of curiosity, what were you fired for if it wasn’t for a mistake or poor performance?

  17. Ok as nice as it was to have a friend over to sit on my balcony and drink wine yesterday, it’s obviously not great that it is 75F in PA in November…

    My mom, aunt, and I are all trying to be green so I usually try to get them eco-friendly gifts for Christmas and birthdays. Previous gifts have been stasher bags, beeswax wraps, travel mugs and water bottles, reusable shopping bags, reusable produce bags, and those silicone covers for leftovers. I am looking for suggestions for this year.

    My aunt and I are moderate liberals, my mom is pretty conservative so I’d like to avoid anything that might be seen as too political or liberal (if that’s a thing? I just know I tread carefully when discussing politics with my parents). Aunt is mid 70s, mom is early 60s so anything too tech focused or newfangled is not for them. Some products I use won’t work for them (I use reusable cotton rounds but they don’t have skincare routines, I compost but the service I use isn’t available in the suburbs, I walk everywhere in the city they live in car dependent suburbs).

    We’re also all on a budget, so replacing a consumable they use with a reusable option is great.

    2. What about some personal care products that come in eco-friendly packaging or are refillable? Like a nice soap or hand cream or something that feels like a fun gift and is also eco-friendly? I know you said they don’t have skincare routines, but if they wear makeup, some reusable makeup erasers (I like the ones from ELF) are awesome.

    3. Unpaper towels from Marley’s Monsters are WONDERFUL. I’ve tried several brands of reusable paper towels (yes, I know that’s an oxymoron), and these are by far the best. They wash super easily and come with a sturdy cardboard tube you can roll them back onto. I am fully obsessed.

      1. Okay – we are all avid rag users (and our rags are all old towels/clothes so not buying rags for the sake of having rags). I truly don’t understand the concept of “unpaper towels” vs rags. Is there something I”m missing?

        1. I don’t think so, I don’t get it either. They’re still just rags! I think a lot of people never learned to clean growing up and use paper towels for everything.

        2. So unpaper towels are definitely aimed for those who aren’t already using rags. Personally I’ve tried rags made from old clothes or random fabric lying around and didn’t care for the texture so wound up never using them. Personally I really like the texture of the unpaper towels and the fact that they’re a little “fancier” helps me be excited to use them. I am fully aware that this sounds like the bougiest thing ever, but I just grew up in a very disposable paper towel, napkin, etc. household so it’s hard for me to break out of the convenience of paper towels. If you’re happy with your rags there’s definitely advantage to spend money on fancy rags, hah.

        3. I got Papaya unpaper towels because they take less time to dry, so I don’t end up with a basket of moldy wet rags waiting to be laundered. We go through cloths so fast with the baby that it’s not reasonable to just have one dry in the sink before putting it in the basket.

    6. How about things that help with caring for what is already owned, such as lingerie bags, sweater stone, lint brush other than the “tape” kind, etc.?

    7. The most eco-friendly gift you can give them is no gift at all. Barring that, a meal to share. Barring that, an event to go to. Barring that, a thing you buy used. Only if you literally can’t think of anything that fits into any of those categories would I get to “eco-friendly” tchotkes. I live in a very liberal/green area and cannot tell you how many reusable shopping bags and water bottles I have been sent or given, and how many I have immediately donated to Goodwill without ever using. (And when I do need a reusable water bottle, I pop over to Goodwill and am greeted by a whole wall of them).

      Unless you know they want that specific thing, I would try to find a thing to do together over a thing to use. Perhaps you all could do a creek cleanup project in the morning and you could cook them lunch afterwards? That would be a big hit with my similarly crunchy mom.

      1. I already spend a lot of time and do various activities and meals with my parents and aunt and uncle. My dad and uncle will be getting actual gifts, so I would like to do the same for my mom and aunt. No gifts are not a thing in my family and an experience gift would have to be very specific and actually, the things I would give as an experience gift are on hold for my aunt and uncle right now due to health problems and COVID concerns (the things we would do would be a sporting event or concert tickets that are out of my price range). There’s a reason I was asking for specific things.

        We don’t live in a very green area and while my mom and aunt are trying to be green, being older they’re not as aware. My mom literally did not own a reusable water bottle until I put one in her stocking last year. Ditto reusable bags. Being green here is not second nature as it might be in other areas.

        This is also about meeting people where they are; like I mentioned my parents are Republicans. No gifts in the name of being eco-friendly is not going to happen. Most of my extended family is what I would call outdoorsy Republicans, so they care about the earth to an extent because a lot of our hobbies are outdoors but being eco-friendly is not central to their life.

        Also, none of them are the types of people who will buy themselves things unless absolutely needed. So, it’s nice to give them things that they may want but not need. There’s no need to suck all of the joy out of the holidays for the sake of being eco-friendly. Even if the most green option is to not give gifts, it is still fun and festive and caring to do so.

        1. It is fun and festive and caring to give people gifts they want, not the gifts you want them to want. I can’t tell from your comment if they want and actually will use this stuff. If they do, go with god! Amazing! But you said that “being eco-friendly is not central to their lives.” If that’s the case, it sounds like you may be trying to give them a gift to bring their lives and their values in line with yours, and those are always bummer gifts to receive. (And because they’re bummer gifts, they don’t get used, and they are just as dust-collecting as any other tchotchke would be).

          If I told my mom “man, I wish I had a good hydration bladder so I could hike more” and she researched and bought me a good one, I’d be absolutely delighted. If she bought me one out of the blue to encourage me to hike more when I’d never expressed that desire, I’d feel judged and bummed out.

          I don’t know which category you’re in, but you do. If you’re solidly in “no, they absolutely genuinely want this stuff,” then I think you’re getting a lot of great product recs and they will be thrilled! If you’re in “I want them to want it,” then I would just get them something they actually want and will use, even if it’s, like, a nice scarf or some bubble bath or whatever.

          1. Sorry if I wasn’t clear; they LOVE what I’ve gotten them, but they don’t think about being eco-friendly the way my generation does and so they are well intentioned but don’t know enough to purchase these things themselves. Like, neither of them had ever heard of reusable baggies until I got them stashers and they brag to their friends about these bags, they send me pictures of how they’re using them, ask me how to order more, etc.

            The few things they naturally do that are eco-friendly is really just being middle class and needing to make ends meet (using rags vs paper towels, buying in bulk, not eating meat every meal).

          2. Oh amazing. I just have gotten so many water bottles over the years because it’s “the thing” here that I thought I’d flag the risk!

            Here’s an idea—we bought them a nice cast iron frying pan a couple years ago to replace a worn out Teflon pan, which they had been replacing every few years as the Teflon scratched off. My husband seasoned it for them and trained them on its care and they loooove it. Still going strong a few years later and I do think they’ll have it forever. It’s surprisingly cheap to get a pretty nice one.

          3. Oh that’s a wonderful idea, thank you!

            And, I apologize for coming off a bit aggressive in my first response. I have a few acquaintances who take the “holier than thou” approach to being environmentally conscious. They both have views that are impractical for the average person and take the approach that if you’re not doing everything 100% correct, you are the problem. Even as a tree hugging liberal, it makes me bristle and definitely is not winning any converts from people like my parents. And so some suggestions (like skipping physical gifts) make me unnecessarily prickly.

          4. Cast iron is definitely a know your recipient gift. I know a lot of people love it, but it’s just way too heavy for me and I’ve gotten rid of every piece I’ve even bought and will never buy another. For older people, I think this is especially likely to be an issue (I’m not that old, but I already have issues with hand pain, which I think is part of why I have a hard time with heavy pans). I don’t really use Teflon pans either, though, so it definitely depends on what kind of cooking they do.

      2. Even if my very conservative baby boomer mom was trying to be green, telling her I wasn’t giving her a gift at all because that was the most eco-friendly choice would be…unwise. She’s from the sort of Midwestern lower-middle-class background where giving and receiving gifts/cards (ESPECIALLY among women relatives) is basically her love language.

        My aunt and uncle unilaterally decreed that they would not exchange gifts with any of us about a decade ago (after my dad had sent a really thoughtful gift basket). Hearing my mom complain about this is a square on my holiday bingo card.

        1. Every year, my mom announces we are not doing a big Christmas with lots of gifts. 34 years in, she still hasn’t cut back. Happy Midwest Christmas:)

    9. Compost bin if they don’t already have one? Those swedish dishtowel things that replace paper towels? Or if they have room in their yard, a native plant of some sort that’s pollinator-friendly.

      1. Oh that’s a good idea, my mom does enjoy her garden. I might save that for Mother’s Day or her summer birthday though, since we’re in the north and even mums and the like are done by Christmas. My aunt is in a condo, so plants and the compost bin are out for her.

        My mom has been on the fence about composting at home, I’ll check and see if she’d be interested.

        I could maybe do a Swedish dishtowel set as a stocking stuffer, but I just added in another comment that we all use rags for cleaning and she will likely not see why I’d spend money on a Swedish dishtowel if we have plenty of free rags to use!

    10. Have you considered upgrading any old gas powered items they have with an electric version? Leafblower, weedwhacker, snowblower, lawnmower… I get these are big ticket items, but this a great non-fussy way to green up their life with something they already are in the habit of using.

      Even an electric kettle could be nice, especially paired with a couple of cute mugs. The electric kettles are way more efficient than the stovetop kind, in the same way that a countertop convection oven uses far less electricity than the oven that comes with a range.

      1. Dunno about its utility as a gift, but I flipping LOVED our electric lawnmower. It eliminated 80% of what I hated about mowing (smell, noise, messy upkeep, my inability to start it on less than 4 pulls). It’s at my parents’ now until my sister moves into her new house.

        1. I went all the way to a me-powered push mower. You have to mow frequently (and when I had some work travel in a rainy season, borrowed a gas one from a neighbor to get back on track). It is QUIET, so you can listed to music or podcasts. Worked for a 1/15 acre lot where the house, patio and drive took up about 1750 sq feet.

        2. Same. We have electric everything (blower, mower, hedge trimmer, etc.) and I love them. We had one issue where a battery was dying faster than it should, but it was fixed under warranty.

    11. Reusable floss containers with charcoal floss refills were a hit among my “green” family when my parents gifted one to all.

    12. If they drink fizzy water, how about a Soda Stream? We just got one and I can’t believe how many single-use plastic bottles we haven’t used already!!

    13. Cloth napkins? I love Clear Sky Home on Etsy – well-made and durable, and I can almost always find a print I like.

    14. Beeswrap wears out after about 6 months (or earlier, if you get it too hot), so it’s a good repeat gift.

    15. Silicone baking sheet to avoid parchment paper.
      Do they use drip coffee? There are reusable filters in steel to avoid buying paper ones, or just unbleached, recycled, compostable paper ones could also be good.
      Recycled aluminum foil.
      Candles made from actual, 100 percent stearin or bees wax if they use them – no oil byproducts.
      Guppy bag to wash polyester clothes in to avoid microplastics in the water.
      Ceramic coated pan if they have any old teflon or similar that have started to flake. It’s nice to have a small, light pan that’s easy to use for an omelette.

      Food: local honey, extra virgin olive oil, cured meats (salamis etc in sausage shape), or similar?

      Are you in hurricane, flood, fire or tornado country? Maybe some items for their emergency kit or bug out bags?

  18. I’m curious how many of you host holiday parties. About how many do you invite, and is the vibe formal or informal? I have played around with the idea of hosting an open house but always talk myself out of it because so much is happening that time of year. Even if we’re available, that doesn’t mean everyone is!

    1. I want to do a January party when everyone is skint and depressed. It feels less high stakes than a December party, you aren’t competing with everyone else’s plans, and social events are good for my SAD. I just haven’t figured out a theme yet.

      1. ‘First payday of 2023’?
        Both my parents have December birthdays and this year is a Milestone for my mum – she’s having her party in January for this reason.

      2. Hi, January birthday here. No one wants to come to your January party! It’s depressing but everyone is partied out and just doesn’t want to do it.

        If you decide to do a January party, keep it on the small side like a dinner party. I’ve learned this the hard way. :)

        1. I wouldn’t do a first weekend of January party, but I have attended several mid/late January parties with plenty of enthusiastic attendees!

          2. JFC, clearly not…

            My circle is pretty active and socializes a lot. Not all circles do. Your circle may consist of more homebodies than mine.

            Your birthday might be January 2, for all I know.

            My brother’s birthday is January 28 and he organizes a night out at our local bar for his friends and our family and it is well attended. On the flip side, my birthday is in August and I often have smaller crowds at my birthdays because everyone is at the beach in August.

      3. You can do a Twelfth Night party with people dressing up as kings or queens for the tradition of switching places for a night.

        You can do a Norse Mid-Winter party on January 12th.

        You can do Plough Monday or a party of lights for the goddess Ceres or missa candelarum. Celebrate the days getting lighter (if in Northern Hemisphere) and the way towards spring and start of the farmer’s year.

        There’s Lidat, Lohri and Burn’s night as well.

    2. We have done (and are resurrecting) a holiday cookie open house. Informal, 2-3 hours max, usually from 1-3 or 1-4. The menu is cookies, light apps (nuts, chips, fruit, crudites), sodas/beer/wine/cocoa. I invite 3-4 families (so anywhere from 20-25 ppl) and make enough cookies for everyone to take home leftovers (and they can bring their own to share!). Typically on a Saturday but ends early so people can go to evening parties after (and so I don’t have to provide dinner for 20+!). It’s usually very popular (apparently not many of our friends are bakers) so they love having home made cookies.

    3. We usually host something, or at least two somethings. It is largely driven by who is around and visiting in town, what else is going on. This year the extended family is in town due to a recent relocation of my SIL so MIL and FIL are delaying the snowbird excursion to Florida so we will all be together and my MIL will insist on hosting the big xmas even thing. In addition our rotating party with one friend group is being hosting by others this year so we are off the hook for that. I will be 6.5 months pregnant so probably won’t kill myself. We just hosted a crowd of 16 for post private wedding celebration for my husband’s cousins and it was great and scratched the itch and five days earlier held our annual Halloween Open House which was also great. I expect we will touch base with our other main friend group and do a holiday timed meal, very casual. Probably a big Dinner a Love Story Pork Ragu type meal with salad etc. Cosy and rustic. We frequently have done neighbours get togethers but our beloved neighbours retired across the province due to age related decline and our dearest friend across the street died in August (devastating loss of a young mother) so I will back off the neighbour celebrations this year, probably. We really aim for enjoying the company of people we don’t always get together with over low key food. Sometimes fondue (kids love it!), or brunch etc. I might do church friends with our priest since we are all displaced east coasters and do my mother’s incredible seafood chowder. Xmas is all about food for me but I will see where inspiration takes me!

    4. My friends and I are 20s apartment dwellers in a big city, so our Christmas parties are still full on house parties. So, it’s informal but usually people break out Christmas sweaters or festive attire, I probably invite 30ish people but always with the message to bring your significant other/roommate/friend/whomever.

      I love hosting (especially now that I live alone) and so often have people over for festive drinks one night too, which is a smaller group, lower key and more festive.

      I still go out to the suburbs to go to our family and family friends’ Christmas parties too, some of which are open house style and some of which are not. I love Christmas parties.

      It is hard though since its such a busy time of year, there are always people who can’t make it, so I do like the idea of having a January “middle of winter and everything stinks so I need a party to look forward to” party.

    5. Pre-pandemic I always did an open house New Years Day brunch for neighbors and local friends with kids (I don’t have any local friends without kids actually). Everyone loves it! No one has plans that day, the kids are stir crazy and bored of Christmas toys already, and a brunch is easy to host. I usually do fruit, a casserole, a coffee cake, bagels & spreads. There’s always people usually bring something to share as well. I haven’t done this in the last two years and I’m really hoping that I can do it again this year.

      I usually invite 10-15 families (basically everyone I know?); I’ve had anywhere from 15-35 adults plus 10-20 kids show up. My apartment is under 1k sq ft so it gets cozy, but everyone’s happy. For prep, I get the casserole ready the evening before, and pop it in the oven in the morning. Then I prep the coffee cake, put it in the oven once the casserole is out. Then I get everything else arranged and set up (I get the bagels delivered from a local place the morning of). 20 minutes before guests are due, I change into cute-casual clothes, start the coffee pot, and tidy up/wipe up last minute things. Post-party clean up is usually ~30 minutes max. The hardest parts are probably getting my kid to put away toys she’s not comfortable sharing, and giving my cat a cozy place to hide away from all the kids.

      1. Likewise, our family friends always host an all day college football watching party on New Year’s Day and as a kid it was one of the highlights of the year. Food was casual and us kids ran wild while the adults hung out and everybody watched football. They’ve probably been doing it for 30+ years now and everybody loves it. It’s now becoming third-generation as the “kids” my age are starting to get married and have kids too.

        So, TLDR – a New Year’s Day party is a great idea.

        1. Oh, I posted below but I forgot about this — pre-pandemic we were starting a tradition of homemade cinnamon rolls on New Year’s morning for 8-10 friends. We’ll have to resurrect that this year!

    6. It might (or might not) be a little late this year, but the best idea my husband ever had for a party was “the last beach party of the year before the holidays hit.” It was in mid November, I think, and everybody dressed up in Hawaiian shirts and similar, and we played Beach Boys music and ate hot dogs and other summery foods, and it was a fun change of pace.

      I also do “Cookie Day” every year with my son and we usually invite from one to as many as half a dozen friends to join us. Super informal, just cookies and wine and Christmas music and conversation.

      We have friends who do a casual Ugly Christmas Sweater brunch open house on a Sunday in December and that’s always fun.

  19. My husband and I separated in late August, my choice, he moved out. Simply put, he is a man-child and all that entails. In any case, I am having a very hard time with the fact that he is struggling so hard both financially and emotionally. I feel awful that he had to leave the comfortable home we shared, our two teens, our four pets. I cry thinking about this almost every day. I don’t know how to feel “less bad” about this!

    And now, I am still doing all the same things I did before with out friend group just by myself (since I was the one who always made plans and kept in touch) and now he is very upset that has no one to do stuff with, which makes me feel even worse. And the holidays are coming up and if I don’t invite him to have the holidays with me and my side of the family he will be alone (none of his family lives in our state). This also crushes me, but I don’t want to spend the holidays with him.

    I recognize that this should all be on him to make his own plans, but I fee so awful! We cared for each other for over 20 years so I still hurt when he hurts. I also know that it hurts our teens. I just don’t know how to not feel so bad about this, especially since the separation was definitely the right thing for me.

    1. What are your kids’ relationships with him? If they have a good relationship and would like to celebrate holidays with their father, I would invite him to your family’s holiday celebrations.

        1. Sure, but my thought was more that the kids might really want to feel like they have their family together at the holidays.

          Of my friends whose parents split up when they were grade school age, they pretty quickly started doing separate holidays. Everyone I know whose parents split up middle school or later spent years spending holidays with both parents. Some of those parents have had a very amicable divorce, some have had a pretty bad breakup but are on okay at best terms for the sake of their shared kids and deal with it for holidays. Not that you have to push your own happiness aside for your kids’ happiness, but the kids might feel strongly about a combined Christmas (especially if their dad’s alternative is being alone)

          1. It may be easier at first, but it gets frosty quickly if one spouse has a GF/BF (different if both have recoupled, can be fireworks and explosions if it is just one no matter how recent and no matter how bland the new person is).

          2. sure, but for the first year while the separation is still new to the kids and likely both parents are still single, why not?

      3. Opposite opinion – let him figure out his own holiday routine with the kids. My mom invited my dad for the first holiday after they split and it was awkward and confusing. And we kids were even teenagers at the time. We waited so long for them to split and be done with it and put an end to uncomfortable “family” time.

          1. Depends on the relationship. I invited my brother’s ex wife to my wedding and she’s in several of the family pictures.

      4. I know from experience this is a TERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEE idea. The worst. One of you will start seeing someone else and the casual friendship portion of the program in a disastrous way. I’ve been divorced 10 tears and had a brutal conversation today with my ex husband. The real problem is that we didn’t set healthy boundaries when we separated. We were trying to be “nice.” We got a divorce for a reason. Trying to pretend it didn’t exist was the worst mistake I ever made.

        Start setting things up with a plan for separate events for your kids. You can be genuinely glad to hear about the fun time they had with him and vice versa.

        You need boundaries. I promise.

    2. First, what else would you expect to happen to a man-child? It’s going to take him a lot to figure Adult Things out on his own, especially since he’s presumably in his 40s/50s.

      Second, how often does he see your kids? Won’t he see them over some holidays?

      If you are feeling kind, I do think you could extend an invite to part of your holiday happenings but know that if you don’t, he will eventually find something to do.

    3. For the sake of your kids, can you invite him to one holiday celebration (thanksgiving OR christmas day for a set period of time?). You are obviously a very kind person to think of his pain, but frankly he NEEDS to learn this for himself and it sounds like it is well past time for him to figure out how to take care of himself AND his kids.

      1. +1. He’s the one who sh@t the nest. Your compassion is admirable, OP, but you wouldn’t have separated from him if he didn’t need to learn these things on his own. Trust past you – she was trying to spare current you more pain!

        Maybe let your kids weigh in? Sounds like they’re old enough.

    4. What you are describing sounds to me like he relied on you to handle some aspects of life and may be feeling a little lost now that your emotional labor (and perhaps — reading between the lines a bit –financial support ?) that he took for granted are no longer available.

      I agree with the above commenter that it’s your call how to include him, considering what makes sense from a co-parenting perspective. But I would invite you to consider if feeling so bad for him may be a continuation of the pattern that had you agree to be in a relationship with a man-child for so long.

      Ask me how I know.

      Signed, my former man-child husband kept telling me that I was his best friend during and after the divorce

      1. Ooh, this sounds like my soon-to-be ex BIL. He can’t adult and relies so heavily on my sister for everything, and she is having these same guilt-trippy feelings.

      2. Yes, this is it; he relied on me to handle almost all aspects of life (some of which was okay, but some of which…..see “man child”) and he is feeling lost without my emotional and yes – financial- labor is no longer available.

        And yes, to the BF thing, for both of us. It is very hard to change that dynamic. The only thing that helps me just a little to feel better is to think that this is something he needs to go through.

        1. Make a clean break, OP. He needs to figure out how to take care of his social and emotional needs himself. That’s the point of your separation. Don’t backslide now. He can figure this out.

          And for God’s sake do not put your extended family in the awkward situation of having to entertain your estranged ex.

          The fact that you are even fielding his complaints about being lonely and not having plans/friends means you’re still way too involved.

          2. There is never a clean break from the father of your children.

            I know some people say the most important choice you ever make is who to marry. I would say it is who you have children with. Because you are truly together for life.

    5. Are you divorced? If not, call a lawyer. Easier to not feel guilty when you have custody and support obligations ironed out and have split your assets.

      1. No, just separated. I did already speak to a lawyer, but since we are just separated we have not had to figure out any custody or asset split yet. Kids are late teens and stay with me.

    6. You don’t mention therapy. Are you in therapy? Is he? Are the kids? If no, that is probably a wonderful place to start.

      And I’m sorry—holidays are hard when families are in transition. It is obvious you are approaching all this with a soft and broken heart, and that sort of heart does create healing in the long run even if it experiences so much pain in the short run.

      1. Yes, in therapy. Therapist said to “do what I want” and stop thinking of him. Not sure how I feel about that.

        2. Just going to put it out there that I’ve had a handful of therapists in the last few years and it took finding the right fit both personality-wise and in regards to the type of therapy before I found it helpful. If your current therapist isn’t the right fit, there’s no harm in trying someone else!

        3. I’m team therapist here with a dash of think of the kids. He’s an adult. He needs to figure this out and you need to stop fixing it for him.

          My friend is still fixing his ex wife’s life and SHOCKER it’s still causing issues for him and shocker they are still not divorced (although they have lawyers and paperwork and everything).

        4. Your therapist is 100% right.

          Also, has your therapist talked about how at this point, your job is to break the attachment to your husband? You decided to end your marriage for good reasons, and now that you have physically separated it’s time to emotionally separate as well.

          When I left my first husband I felt much as you do, and it was awful and went on longer than it needed to. (And yes, he spent the first Christmas with me and my son, and that got really comfortable but things got really ugly when I started dating and wanted/needed more space).

          When I left my first husband, he chose to cut off all contact and although it broke my heart at the time, I see now that he did me a huge favor because it allowed me to break the attachment and move on, far sooner than I would have otherwise.

          The only way out is through. Break that attachment and move forward.

          1. Oops second to last paragraph should be “when I left my SECOND husband.”

    7. He’s going to have some growing pains as he learns to fend for himself. That’s kind of why you left him, he is not a functional adult. Learning 30+ years’ worth of stuff is hard. And he totally brought it on himself. It is no longer your problem, except to the extent it affects your kids.

      All that said, being alone for the holidays isnt in the same realm as the manchild stuff. IMHO the holidays are all about being kind to one another so if he truly cannot go home for the holidays then I would find some small way to brighten his day. Maybe you just invite him to dinner or help the kids plan something nice for him.

    8. If you don’t want to invite him to your holiday celebration can you send the kids over with a cake or something festive and let them handle their holiday celebration on their own? Maybe your teens can hang out with him to make a holiday brunch or something? Tell them they get to come up with a new tradition that’s whatever they want.

    9. I’m sorry you are in this painful position. If it’s any consolation, you hurt because you are kind and empathetic. Which is a good thing! Of course you’re going to feel sorry for him. You loved him for 15+ years and probably still love him (or at least love the person you thought he was). Just as you hurt whenever anyone you love hurts, you’re going to hurt for him. Let yourself feel those feelings. However, you also need to recognize that his situation is purely the result of his own actions and inactions and not let your hurt encompass any guilt. Just because you have the ability to cure the situation doesn’t mean that you have any responsibility to do so. It’s going to be difficult over the next year while you meet every circumstance for the first time post-divorce and have to hash out these new normals, but it will become easier as patterns and new traditions are established.

    10. Given the recency of the split and the fact that you’re not describing someone who was abusive to you or otherwise did something that means his presence would be unsafe, I would really try to see if there is a way that he can be present for some holiday things with you and your kids this year/you can create space for him to do holiday things with your kids. It depends a lot on what your particular holiday traditions are and what your kids want to do, and I’m not suggesting he just be in your house the whole time, but (for example) if you celebrate Christmas and your kids still open presents Christmas morning, can he be there for that? Or can your kids spend Christmas eve with him? What do they want to do?

      1. +1

        I’m on the younger side of this board so I think I feel myself empathizing with the kids the most, but many of these suggestions seem more focused on the OP than the kids. I am in no way saying that OP should sacrifice her happiness or comfort for the kids, but that their feelings should be considered too when plans are being made. IME, the older the kids are during the divorce the harder they take it (little kids have a hard time at first but adjust to the new normal, teenagers who have 16 years of holiday traditions struggle with the fact that dad is no longer there for Christmas morning or cookie decorating or whatever it is you do), and this especially rings true in situations like the OPs when the dad is a bad husband but a good father.

        1. Sounds like you absolutely ARE saying OP should sacrifice her happiness for her kids. But the good news is she doesn’t have to choose – letting her husband learn to actually be an adult is good for the kids in the long run.

          1. Not sacrifice, but compromise.

            There’s absolutely a lot that OP’s ex has to work on, and that should be happening. It’s not up to her to make sure he has social plans or is visiting his family or whatever. She doesn’t need to invite him to all holiday plans or invite him to her family’s celebrations. But making holiday plans where the kids don’t get to see their dad who they like is a compromise that can be made. Even if it’s something where OP says I’d like the kids to come with me to my parents’ for Christmas Eve dinner and then says to her ex/her kids ball’s in your court if you want to make plans for Christmas Day together. If not, the kids and I will celebrate at my house. Or, whatever the plans are.

    11. What you are describing is him continuing to man child and reaping the results of that. Having been married to a man toddler who seemed to expect me to continue to manage his life and emotions for him, I would suggest perhaps one conversation with him focused on that fact and that you are no longer going to be managing his life and his emotions and it’s on him from here out, and furthermore, from here on out you will not be entertaining that conversational topic.

      I would guess that either he or others on his behalf are coming to you about all these problems and that needs to stop for your sake as well as his. He absolutely has to learn to manage his own life.

      1. Yes!! You broke up with him because he’s a man child yet you’re still wanting to enable him! Girl. Time for some therapy and to stop feeling sorry for him.

      2. Yes yes yes. He is alone because of all the choices he’s made over the years. It’s not your fault.

      3. +1. He roped you into doing part of his life for him, for many years! You escaped from this trap, but your brain is thinking like you’re still in it.

    12. I think you just need to accept that this year will feel weird. This man is being a baby. He can make plans with the old friend group, he just doesn’t. He could plan an inexpensive fun holiday day with your two teens: a cool Christmas movie marathon with pancakes or something at his new apartment – he just doesn’t. It is not your job to continue taking on emotional labor for this man.

      1. Agree completely. This is on him, OP. He could choose to make plans, to go visit his family, to do something special with your teens. But he’s not doing that.

    13. I am going to reply knowing in advance I will likely get raked over the coals for this reply. I think you’re being selfish. As a child of divorce, your teens are watching your every move right now and the way you handle this will likely impact your relationship with them forever. You say YOU don’t want to spend the holidays with him, but what about your children who are likely suffering because their world was turned upside down? Maybe they want their family together for the holiday’s? Why is he struggling so hard financially? Is there no alimony or division of joint accounts? As a child of divorce, I was so very aware of what was going on, and it absolutely without a doubt affects my relationship to this day with the parent that initiated. I am not saying you need to get back together, but I think you need to truly revaluate how this is affecting your children first and foremost.

      1. I agree, I think it is good to demonstrate to the children that they can be in the same room so they don’t stress about future graduations, weddings, etc.

      2. +1, not as a child of divorce but as someone who married a divorced dad and is still trying to help repair the damage that both parents (including my now-husband!) did by not paying enough attention in the post-split period to how decisions like this were impacting the kids.

        OP, I understand that the split was right for you, but based on what you’ve described – which is someone who may not have been a great partner but wasn’t abusive, dangerous, unkind, etc. – the first priority here needs to be an approach to the holidays that allows your kids to have time with both parents, and potentially with both parents together. What that looks like depends heavily on your kids’ ages and your own holiday traditions, but yes, it may mean that for this year you have to do some degree of arranging this for your ex-husband. I know it might feel satisfying to take the position that unless he reaches out and makes the arrangements, the kids will spend all of the holiday time with you, but that is not likely to be the right answer for your children. Ask them what they want.

      3. +100

        I so heavily co-sign this.

        Your ex sounds like a bad husband, but you’ve said he’s a good father/the kids still like seeing him, and the split is due to incompatibility/immatureness and not abuse/danger/cheating, I do think that you need to put your feelings aside to support your children.

      4. On the other hand – these are teenagers, not elementary school kids. I don’t think we know enough about their relationship with their dad or mom to know whether or not they would understand why Dad is not invited for x tradition this year or why the parents are separated. I think advice I’ve seen here before applies – do not continue to model behavior that you would not want to see your children (daughters especially) doing 30 years from now. If they learn that dads can be fun but do not have to be capable of living on their own or engaging them without you, while you Keep It All Together and Create Holiday Magic – then what?

        Fwiw my parents divorced while I was in elementary school and we had separate holiday traditions with both. And my dad struggled financially after the divorce – which we kids knew- but he still pulled his weight and made the holidays fun for us when we were with him.

        1. And I think at a certain point you can respectfully explain this and the reasons for your separation to your kids. It may in fact be more comforting to them to know why instead of speculating (if it’s not clear from previous interactions between you, or if he hasn’t dropped the ball where they are impacted directly so that they have an inkling). And it will 100% help them in making their own choices and expectations in the future about what they want in a partner.

      5. OP isn’t being selfish her ex is. He could figure out how to host an event or plan things or basic adulting but he doesn’t want to. He wants to continue to be lazy and make lady folk do his labour. OP would be setting a terrible example for her teens if she continued to let her ex be entirely useless and take advantage of her

      6. From experience, the split when you’re a teenager and your parents have a not great but not awful marriage is really hard to stomach. You’ve lived a long time with your parents together and you can tell the marriage isn’t great and isn’t what you’d aspire to, but also nothing terrible is happening. And it often makes the kids resentful towards the parent who initiated the split. And if you feel that the parent who initiated the split is also the obstacle to spending the holidays with both parents, then that may add to the resentment.

      7. OP has put up with a manchild for like 15 years and you’re calling her selfish??? Really??

        1. And her original post hardly mentioned the kids. The original post kind of insinuated that the kids would be spending all of both holidays with her. That’s a little selfish.

    14. Don’t bail him out! He needs to adult on his own if you invite him to things you’re just enabling the man child again

    15. I think you need to take a hard look at the language you’ve written here: “I feel awful that he had to leave the comfortable home we shared, our two teens, our four pets.”
      He didn’t have to leave. He could have decided to stop acting like a child and treat you like an equal adult partner. This separation isn’t some unfortunate accident that “happened” to him. It’s the natural consequence of his own behavior. And I highly doubt you asked him to separate out of nowhere, without first begging him for 20 years to show up and be useful.

      3. Or he could have refused to move out of your shared home and away from your shared children/pets and forced you to be the one who left if you wanted to be separated. He could also insist that your children spend the holidays with him. (This assumes that the house is not your sole property.)

        I am not suggesting that you are responsible for the health and happiness of a grown man, but he moved out (presumably at your request) right before the holidays. My suggestion is that you talk to your children and make space for them to spend time with their father over the holidays. What you do this year does not mean you have to continue to do it moving forward but you need to make it though the first year and working out shared custody, etc. As the child of divorced parents (who tried really hard to set aside their personal issues for my sake) I highly recommend that path as the best way to maintain a good relationship with your children moving forward .

        2. So I think there may be some assumptions about extremes going on at both sides of this discussion. I think a whole world exists between 1) deny him access to his own kids on holidays and 2) make all his plans for him and have him attend all of the normal events at his wife’s family. Surely a conversation could occur like “I had planned on taking the kids to my mom’s house for dinner at four. Would you like to do something with them that morning or perhaps they can spend Christmas eve with you? What did you have in mind?”

    16. Is there any reason he cannot travel to another state to be with his family? Seems like time for him to do that. Many, many people travel for holidays. Perhaps invite him for Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but only one, and encourage him to call his family out of state and make a plan.

      this is recent, so it will get better, but he needs to figure out how to proceed. I suspect he will remarry pretty quickly and find himself a new caretaker. That will make this easier for you, sorry to be so blunt.

      1. Maybe he wants to spend the holidays with his children and if he travels to see his side of the family that will not happen.

        1. Yes, but they are separated.So unless they reconcile, he will not get to spend every holiday with his kids. That’s the consequence of divorce. I don’t understand the “just this year” idea either. It’s not going to be any easier the first time whether now or next year. There will never be a good time.

          The question for OP is, if he made the plans, could the kids go with him to his relatives? Your reaction to that possibility will tell you a lot.

          I am also now (after reading these thoughtful comments) in the camp if asking the kids what they want and proceeding (within reason) with clear expectations on their end – this does not mean we are getting back together- and maybe putting him in a position of having to take some responsibility for the holiday as a guest (bring a dish). I hadn’t considered how disruptive a clean break would be for teenagers three months into the new normal.

          1. Not spending “every” holiday with his kids does not equal spending no holidays with them. And how is OP going to feel when he says “fine – you get Thanksgiving and I am taking our children to my parents for Christmas. See you before New Years.”)

            Look OP – I completely sympathize with your desire not to be married to someone who was overly reliant on you for their emotional health. That is a hard pattern to break and I will give you the courtesy of assuming you tried hard. But there is this idea on this board that a women is entitled to the house and the children and the pets and she is not. Moving forward you are going to be sharing custody and that means splitting holidays (and assets). So talk to your kids about what they want to do and then talk to him about how you are going to either share or split the holidays. Not because you owe that to him but because you owe it to them.

            And then call your lawyer and get your divorce proceedings started and get a realistic assessment of how custody and assets split is going to work in your state. The sooner that is finalized the better. You guys have been separated since August and this is overdue.

            Finally and in the interests of full disclosure – I was the kid in this situation and it sucks. So I highly recommend moving forward with a view to what is best for your children. Because my mom didn’t and it did permanent damage to my relationship with both of my parents but especially with her.

          2. This is a very thoughtful response!

            My thought was that if he’s visiting his relatives he won’t see the kids at all, but if he stays locally then maybe the kids do Christmas morning at dad’s and then go with mom to her extended family for dinner? In which case, he’s sacrificing Christmas Eve/Christmas dinner with family or friends in order to have Christmas morning with the kids.

            I very much appreciate your question regarding the kids going with him to his relatives and agree that that’s a good exercise for OP to consider.

            And very much agree that a lot of the decision making here should be done by the kids (within reason); their lives have been absolutely turned upside down and it’s the first holiday season to navigate. Being a teenager of divorce especially when both sides are good parents / not horrible spouses (no abuse or cheating, for example) is a really hard pill to swallow so giving the kids input on how to balance the holidays is important if at all feasible. The OP can, and should, try to figure out something that is good for her, but both parents should be focused on what is best for the kids.

    17. He’s a grownup and he can make friends and travel to his family. This is not on you. Your sense of guilt and obligation is what kept you together for this long, and you know it’s not healthy. Give it a break for one year and let him figure it out on his own. It will be so much better this time next year, I promise.

      1. At the very least, the kids can make plans with him. Even if it’s for Christmas Day. You will have to eventually stop managing their lives too, so why not start with this?

    18. I so appreciate all the comments here, and both sides of opinion. I am hearing a lot of what I know I need to hear, especially that I need to be stronger and thus not perpetuate or continue to enable his man-child behavior.

      As far as the holidays go, I think it would be best for my teens if we did Thanksgiving Day together, and then either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day together (but not both), just for this year since this is all so new.

      The comments here have also made me realize I need to have a talk with him that he is going to have to start dealing with these emotional things on his own and I can’t do that for him.

      1. “I need to have a talk with him that he is going to have to start dealing with these emotional things on his own and I can’t do that for him.”

        No. No talk. One sentence: “ I am not in a position to discuss that with you.”or likewise. Maybe somebody wiser has a script. Then hang up or ignore.

      2. OP, you really, really need to take some time and focus on getting the custody and parenting piece figured out. Letting that sit in limbo and assuming you can deal with that ad issues arise is really bad for your kids. They need certainty about living arrangements, holidays, etc. Get a lawyer and get at least a temporary custody plan in place.

    19. So since you’re not divorced there isn’t a custody agreement yet. But, what is the co-parenting situation? Has there been any discussion about dividing holidays? The kids live with you but how often do they see their dad and in what circumstances? What is your relationship like now – do you ever do things together for the kids (parent teacher conferences, or attending a kid’s sporting event, or celebrating a kid’s birthday)?

      Even without a formal agreement in place, you need to figure this out. This will be step 1 for navigating the holidays.

      You also need to figure out how to balance your needs/wishes and your kids’ needs/wishes.

    20. I mean this as gently as possible because I realize this is a lot but where are your children in this analysis? While I do not subscribe to the idea that parents should be martyrs to their kids, you separated from their father for reasons that (while absolutely valid) were nonetheless not in the abusive/unfaithful camp. Instead of centering him and his needs or you and yours, I suggest that you center them and their needs.

      In another year you will hopefully have worked out a formal custody plan, the separation will not be as raw and this analysis will be different but for this year, I think what they want should be the most important question.

      Also, I hope you are prepared for the economic fall out! If he is struggling financially, I assume either you were supporting him during your long-term marriage or the two of you cannot maintain your current house and his separate residence. If the first, then in my state you will be paying alimony for a really long time, so brace yourself.

  20. My Abercrombie try-on session was a bust. I am an 8-10 curvy bottom person. I tried every 30ish Curve pair of jeans on in the store and totally struck out. Ultra high-rise did NOT work. The one high-rise pair was in a terribly unflattering cut. Maybe my eye isn’t used to this, but I just wanted a rise slightly higher than a 2019 rise (no mid-rise offerings in the store at all). Not jeans that were snug across the tummy and baggy or up around my ribs. Is Madewell my next best place to try? I definitely need some sort of curvy-type cut.

    3. Head to Kohls and try on Levi’s Curvy Cut. They fit the same as they did 10 years ago. I just replaced a pair that was that old and literally disintegrating (but oh so comfortable).

    4. So someone here recommended Kut from the Kloth which is NOT a brand I felt cool buying but I had tried Abercrombie, Levis and Madewell and nothing worked and that brand fit great and are the current cut – I love them.

  21. While validating passport data for my kid’s recently issued passports, I realized that one of them HAS THE WRONG BIRTH DATE. I panicked and pulled up the application I submitted and the correct date is listed there. I checked the birth certificate and IT HAS THE WRONG BIRTH DATE listed.

    Current situation is I have a few rounds of international travel planned and one child with a passport and birth certificate with the wrong freaking birth date. This kid was an uneventful scheduled c-section, so there’s no chance I’m losing my mind.

    What do I do?? To add to the fun, I don’t live local to the state where the birth certificate was issued, so showing up in person isn’t an option. The first round of travel is within three months and the second in six months so I’m not super optimistic that any of this can be sorted in time. Do I just roll with it for now and fix it later? Fix it never? What would y’all do in this situation?

    1. Oh my goodness, that’s bizarre!

      Since the passport and birth cert match, I would let it go for your upcoming travel, and try to get the birth certificate (and everything else) reissued correctly after that.

    2. Wrong year or day? Wrong day, I’d embrace and celebrate both at home and have a funny story but use the one on the certificate for all things official. Wrong year I’d do something about, not sure how to fix, but I’d bet it fixed.

      1. Wrong day. In the spirit of the poster last week, at least my kid would have a great “Two truths and a lie” item?

      2. Same. I’d just go with it if it’s just the wrong day. Tell the kid it’s like the King of England with a real birthday and an official birthday.

    3. If the passport and birth certificate have the same date, I’d personally just roll with that until this round of travel is over.

      This is a wild problem to have! I do think I’d try to fix it after just because it will be confusing forever for the child to try to remember if they used their “real” birthday for something or their “government” birthday.

    4. I used to work with an attorney that this happened to! His wrong birth date (not year, just the day) was listed on his birth certificate. They never fixed it and he just uses the date on his birth certificate as his official bday – but celebrates both!

    5. My birth certificate misspelled my name; I live halfway across the country. I called the Town Hall, who pulled up the original, confirm the error, corrected it within the database, and reissued me a new birth certificate.

      1. Gosh, this makes me wish my kid had been born in the small town I was. I have 100% confidence “Nancy at the courthouse” back home would do this sort of thing.

        1. Medium sized town in Massachusetts (think Needham). Town Clerk deals with these issues; it’s their job. Since Massachusetts runs so much through their towns or cities, rather than the counties, everything is on a more manageable scale.

          Point is, someone in the county, city, or town office is responsible for this. Call and email.

    6. This happened to me, and I’m old enough that my birth certificate was typed (and the registrar corrected the error in ink). It’s off by a day, and it’s how my SS number was generated so now it’s on everything: passport, driver’s license, health insurance, retirement savings, etc. Changing it is possible but not easy, and if his date is off by a day or two I’d say just start managing it now (and celebrate twice).

    7. I am the state registrar in my state. You need to get this corrected now or your child will have a lifetime of problems. Call the state registrar’s office, they should be able to provide you with a correction packet that you can complete to get this issue fixed. Trust me, I’ve seen it all and this can become a huge nightmare down the road.

  22. Help! We are renovating our kitchen and 2 bathrooms and will probably be forced to cook in our carpeted basement, since our utility sink is in the unfinished part of the basement. We don’t really go out much, so I anticipate will be cooking most nights. We pretty much eat everything, but We use our stove a lot, so will need to find alternative recipes. I’m thinking to try an Insta pot and toaster oven- thoughts? We will grill if not too cold but not counting on it (Philly suburbs). Husband has a big appetite so we often cook large volumes with chicken or other meat as a main. Kids are 10 and 11.
    I would love some wise suggestions for meals and also coping – nervous about the carpet situation. If you have been through this, what’s your best advice? Thank you!

    1. My parents relied on a George Forman grill when redoing their kitchen. I love an air fryer for just about anything, too. If you want to recreate a stove top how about an electric griddle? A camp stove outside? My dad grills in all weather (also in Philly suburbs) so that might be more versatile than you think.

      2. Also agree on air fryer – it is so flexible! You could consider one of the hybrid air fryer/toaster ovens if you’re planning on getting something new.

      3. We have a Cuisinart Griddler and use it way more than I expected. It can be an indoor grill for meats, it’s great for things that would otherwise require a skillet, like grilled cheese or scrambled eggs or pancakes. It does smoke a bit if you have it on high heat and are searing meats, but if we are doing that we can just use it outside. You could also add a slow cooker if you have space — I don’t love the way that the IP does slow cooking. But you can definitely make soups or stews in the IP as well.

        For the carpet, could you get one of those thin plastic mats (like that go under desk chairs) for your main prep area, to help with any spills?

    2. Consider the crock pot! Get a big one so you can cook the large volumes required. My favorite crock pot recipes come from Budget Bytes and America’s Test Kitchen. Whatever you like to cook already, there’s probably a crock-potable version of it. Particularly for your described eating habits, you could do a great big pork roast or something like the linked chicken below and then eat tacos, burritos, bowls, whatever with from-the-fridge fixings for a couple nights in a row.

      https://www.budgetbytes.com/slow-cooker-chicken-ropa-vieja/

      Re: carpet, can you consider putting down a big rubber mat or something by the food prep area? Easier to wipe down and vacuum once a week than to vacuum constantly.

      1. That looks delicious, thank you! Hmm, I had not thought about a mat on top, which seems obvious. Yes- going to order one now! thanks!

    4. I had a kitchen remodel done and we survived by mostly using the grill, but our appliances were moved to a different part of the house as a makeshift temporary kitchen.

      If you have a large toaster oven or can use your real oven, check out Home Cooked and other similar services.

    5. A chest freezer? Ahead of time, batch cook lasagna, casserole, burgers, slow-cooker things like pulled pork or shredded chicken… in other words, make it so you can just defrost and microwave dinners rather than try to cook from scratch on a hot plate.

    6. Oh boy. Just finished a two month kitchen renovation. My kids are younger. Not going to lie, I regretted it every day until it was done. Carpet would be the least of my worries. Here are my tips:
      – disposable plates/cups. We used compostable since we have composting in our area. Just used reusable flatware and coffee mugs.
      -appliances – get a two burner induction stove. You can still make pasta, eggs, etc. we could not have survived with out it. You may need to get new pans, but trust me, you will want a cooktop. Toaster oven and microwave also clutch. Our toaster oven was big enough to fit a 9×13 pan but i was surprised at how little food it could hold (like for roasting a pan of veggies, etc). If you are really needing to cook large volumes, you may have to do two batches.
      – consider your circuit load. Our Kitchen outlets can support more load than non kitchen. We could not run our microwave and toaster oven at the same time off the same outlet in our makeshift kitchen. I wish I had just gotten more extension cords – we ended up having to cook meals in shifts, which made prep much longer.
      – take EVERYTHING out of the floor that is being renovated. Hang dust zippers to enclose the space. It will be terribly dusty. Minimize its spread as much as possible (but it will spread). Change your furnace filters more often.
      – set up a work space in your makeshift kitchen. door on sawhorses, a long folding table, etc. you need counter space.
      -meal ideas – frozen stir fry kits from TJs, pasta with various sauces, chili, crock pot pulled chicken/pork. Honestly we leaned into simple meals and frozen/pre-prepared meals. It was hard to chop/prep with our limited space, plus hand washing a ton of pans got old. Plus we had to put a lot of our cookware in storage. And we let ourselves order our WAY more because it was just too stressful.

      Good luck and Godspeed.

    7. I survived for nearly a year with just an induction hot plate that I bought at Bed Bath & Beyond for about $35. I am solo, so you might need 2 for a family, but there was plenty I could make with just that. I even had a ditzy moment when, without thinking, I brought home a frozen pizza (thin crust) and had to figure out how to warm it up in a pan.

    8. You can buy a plug in electric burner from Lowes or Home Depot. It will cook just like it was on a stove top. I have one that I bought for making candy and sauces, as it has better control and finer adjustment of temperature than my hated glass top range.

    9. We just did a whole house reno and were without a kitchen for 4 months. My best pieces of advice are buy a hot plate, slow cooker, and toaster over. We bought two folding tables and a cheap bookshelf from target to use as a pantry. We basically turned our basement into a kitchen, thinking about an efficient work triangle. We definitely had to change the things we cooked a little bit (a roast chicken wouldn’t fit in the toaster oven) but this time of year I would lean into a lot of soups and pastas. You can do it! It’s not as bad as I feared!

    10. Consider getting a long washable rug to put on top of the carpet in the food prep area. You can find them relatively cheap on Amazon.

    11. Go to Lowes or HD and get a square of sheet vinyl. They usually have some pre-cut in 10X10 or similar squares. Lay that down over the carpet where your temporary kitchen will be, so you can easily wipe up any spills.
      I used my dutch oven and induction burner the most when remodeling my kitchen.
      Having a utility sink is a big plus. If that’s ever out of commission, the bathtub works for doing dishes, too.

    12. Put down something over the carpet. I’d go for something like astroturf which is super cheap.

    13. Is the carpet by any chance like what I have in my basement, where it is basically a remnant cut to size and laid down loose? If so, just roll it up and store it out of the way until you are back to your normal kitchen.

    14. You need a microwave. And you need to be flexible and eat more prepared meals/meals out during this time. It just is what it is. I wouldn’t bother with anything that involves you prepping and chopping and really cooking. It just creates more dishes you’re not well situated to deal with.

      We survived a longer than expected kitchen gut with a mini fridge, a tea kettle and a microwave. We had to go out for Thanksgiving. It wasn’t ideal but in hindsight, as long as it felt at the time, it really was just a blip.

    15. Instant Pot and toaster over/air fryer combo would be my choice. Maybe a burner and maybe a microwave.

      Instant Pot replaces slow cooker, vegetable steamer, stew pot. Cooks potatoes, cooks whole chickens for enchilada meat etc. Makes one-pot pasta and mac-n-cheese.

      My Oster combo toaster oven from costco holds a full 6 pound chicken, full size pizza, full lasagna, does great muffins. Totally has replaced my oven.

    16. Getting back to this quite late- thank you all for the tips! I have sone work and planning to do!!

  23. One of the posts above reminded me of a question I wanted to ask the group – what time do you show up for a gathering in someone’s home? DH thinks you should show up exactly at the appointed time if not early (!) because if you’re not 10 minutes early you’re late. I am a punctual person by nature but I have learned to never show up “on time” because ime most people aren’t ready for guests yet and then you awkwardly help the host set up for 30 minutes before anyone arrives. We compromise at 15 minutes “late” unless the invite is more clear. We’re still usually the first people there by a long shot, which I find awkward, plus it requires us to stay much longer than I’d prefer because the people I want to see don’t show up until like 2 hours later.

    It doesn’t help my cause that the first party we ever attended together, the couple was mad at us for coming “late” (15 mins after the start time) because unbeknownst to me DH was bringing all the meat to be grilled and everyone was waiting on us (again, for 15 mins). It has been almost 10 years but I have never lived down this incident. Despite the fact that every party we have attended since then, we have been the first people there by 30 mins to an hour or longer. I’ve low key asked my friends to lie to us about the start time because otherwise we will show up too early. SO that’s a long winded way of asking, how do y’all handle this?

    1. Dinner party: 10-15 minutes late. If you’ve ever hosted a meal then you know it’s impossible to have food, drinks, decor, and your own outfit ready exactly at the official start time. I suspect your husband has never been responsible for putting a big meal together. One time some in-laws showed up 15 minutes early to my mom’s Thanksgiving and it nearly turned into the beginning of a CSI episode.

      Party party: at least 20 minutes late unless you’re close friends with the host. I once showed up to a party on time and the hosts were in the shower. Never again.

    2. I’d say 10-15 minutes late.

      When I host parties I am literally sitting and waiting for people 10 minutes before it starts, but I know that I am the exception not the rule so I think 10-15 mins fashionably late works. More than 20-30 minutes and as a host I panic that no one is coming.

    3. Open house party, whenever is convenient but no later than 1.5 hours prior to end time. Large regular party like a c-cktail party, 20-30 minutes after posted start time. Small dinner party, 15 minutes after. This is an area where the rule is “on time is too early,” not “on time is late.”

    4. Your DH is wrong with 90% of people, but how late is on time is hugely variable by culture, social group, and occasion. For dinner parties, I used to expect people 15-40 minutes after the stated start time. Now I have a kid and we eat at 5:30, lol, even with guests, but if we have a holiday party, I’ll assume the same. For Thanksgiving, we always expected people to be about an hour late (family, Midwest), except my grandparents, who were punctual to the minute. I still remember a barbecue in Ecuador that started 4 hours after the stated start time (and about 2 hours after I arrived, winded and apologetic and ravenous).

      1. *if we have a holiday party, I’ll assume 15-40 minutes after posted start is when people arrive.

    5. Your DH is wrong, and thank you for reining him in. I hate, hate, hate when people show up early for things and see the mess that is my kitchen 10 min before the stated arrival time. I strongly dislike a certain woman for no other reason than that she always shows up 10 min early when I host our book club.

    6. Never show up early, it’s the rudest thing you can do. Maybe 10 minutes late, never more than 20 min late.

  24. I just gave my two week notice at work. What sort of personal things should I use this time period to wrap up? I’ve already scheduled some doctor appointments and gotten medication refills to tide me over until insurance kicks in at the new job. I’m working on tying up loose ends on projects or at least creating status notes for any in process projects.

    Anything you can think of would be very helpful!!!

    1. Check with HR about your exit interview and getting your PTO paid out (if that’s something they do).

    2. If relevant, save samples of your work. Save important contacts [e.g. current colleagues]. Ask people for reference/recommendation, if relevant.

  25. I have a ton of leather and velvet swatches from trying to buy furniture for several rooms needing seating. Can I be crafty and make something arty with them? Like attach them to a stretched canvas? I think I’d like to do this because the swatches all harmonize with each other. But IDK how to actually execute that so that it will look nice and the swatches are such nice materials and honestly so pretty (clearly, I can never get wallpaper samples next).

    2. Wallpaper samples are great for shelf liner, photo backdrops, wrapping gifts, all kinds of things. Just saying.

      I don’t know how many samples you have, but what about mimicking one of those 3-D tissue paper flowers or trees? Like those kindergarten art projects, but using your samples instead of tissue paper. Twist them around the end of a pencil for shape, then sew the twisted center on a canvas with needle and thread?

    3. Caroline Winkler on Youtube has a video about doing something with adding samples to a larger fabric and making it a large piece of art. She goes by Caroline on Youtube (and I think has been mentioned here before by others) and it’s from April or May of this year.

  26. My father (who I was close to) passed away earlier this year. Although I am still grieving, I’m not having any trouble functioning in my day-to-day life or at work. I don’t think it has effected my parenting much either. It’s effecting my marraige though. My spouse is wonderful and supportive. I just feel like a pit of need and anger all the time. Anytine they hurt my feelings, I just can’t get over it even after they apologize. I know this isn’t really about them, but I find myself hurt a lot. My loss isn’t front of mind for them anymore, and I know this is normal. I’m still just so fragile. I’m plannning to get back into counseling in the new year, but does anyone have any book recommendaitons that might be helpful?

    1. So sorry for your loss. You might need medication for depression. There’s no shame in that.

    2. I’m sorry for your loss. In a similar position, I benefited from peer grief support through a local organization (Kara, if you’re in Silicon Valley). I think therapy can also be quite helpful.

    3. Hi–I did not know until recently that anger is a sign of depression. So I would trend toward looking into that. Grieving takes a very long time, and it’s a rollercoaster. Hugs.

  27. Brain assist: I am making awards for a kids’ soccer team. I want to give one child “most versatile.” She’s not going to know or understand the word. I want to keep it a “Most__________” since that’s how the rest of the awards are worded. It can be a short phrase vs just one word. The thesaurus was not helpful.

    Ideas?

    2. Most helpful? Most useful? Most multitalented? I would say Most Johnny on the Spot but that’s probably an old fashioned phrase a young kid might not know.

  28. I have plenty time (sabbatical) and would love a book recommendation. I would love some historical non-fiction/low-fiction drama. An interesting book on a country history, ideally Japan, but I am a curious mind, so country doesn’t matter that much.

  29. Some of you may remember the tale of Felix and Oscar, the rescue kitties we adopted during the pandemic. Today is their second Adoptaversary, so I thought I’d update!

    When we got them they were so wild and skittish that we couldn’t get near them! They spent MONTHS hiding under the bed in the guest room, or perching on the kitty tower we bought them, only to jump down (THUMP! THUMP!) and scurry under the bed the minute they heard us approaching.

    Towards the end of the first year they started to come out a bit, and Oscar like to have me “pet him with my words:” I’d tell him what a pretty kitty he was, and he’d wriggle around on the floor with joy. That got to be a daily routine — he’d come into the bedroom in the morning and sit by the bed and I’d tell him how great he was and he’d wriggle around. Ultimately that got so I could actually pet him — maybe a year and a half in! — but only if I was in bed and he was on the floor beside me.

    After we took a couple of long vacations this year, I think they decided they missed us while we were gone. Oscar started jumping up on the bed for his scratchies after the first vacation this past June, which was pretty amazing! And after the second vacation in September, Felix decided to get in on the action.

    Well. It turns out Felix (who didn’t let either of us touch him for almost two full years) is the biggest lovebug ever. He jumps up on my bed every night and let me pet him, and snuggles under my arm, and kisses me on the nose, and then when he’s had enough he bites me and jumps down! LOL And meanwhile Oscar is on the other side of me and lets Hubby pet him, too!

    Goals for the coming year: Maybe they’ll sit on our laps while we’re watching TV in the family room!

    They are so cute and so funny and we are so happy they came to live with us. And also? They are doing the job they were hired for because there has been no sign of any rats since they got here!

    1. Gah! I have been hoping for a kitty update! You were so patient. I’m sure I would have forced my love on them :)

      Thank you so much for this.

    2. I was just thinking about your two kittens yesterday and bam, I find an update today. I also adopted a tiny kitten, 18y ago and I can confirm cats go through so many pet-me/don’t touch me phases… Our 18y old turn out to be a huge cuddler in the last 1-2 years, which was a shocker for us, as he used to be more “independent” [basically coming for snuggles only when he felt like it and that wasn’t that often]. Wish you many happy years with your kitties!

    4. Oh that’s so wonderful! What a joy to have them learn to love and trust you. You are a very good adopter for being so patient with them. I’m sure they will bring you many years of happiness.

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