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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 329 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Noir Jewelry - When Pigs Fly Ring (Pink) - Jewelry Something on your mind? Chat about it here. After last weekend's flamingo clutch, reader J passed along this hilarious ring, noting “this happy-go-lucky ring will definitely be added to my weekend wardrobe in the near future.” I like it, although I worry that those wings will be snag-o-rific when it comes to pretty much anything. The ring is $150 at Zappos. Noir Jewelry – When Pigs Fly Ring (Pink) – Jewelry Bony Levy Black Diamond Ring (Nordstrom Exclusive)For my own $.02, I was drooling (drooling!) over this black diamond cocktail ring form the Nordstrom Anniversary sale — $1445 marked down to $998. I do love a sale… Bony Levy Black Diamond Ring (Nordstrom Exclusive)icon (L-5)

Sales of note for 9.19.24

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
  • Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
  • Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
  • Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
  • Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
  • White House Black Market – 40% off select styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. EJ

    Yay, have been waiting for this. One of my favorite blogs, Capitol Hill Style had a great post today on the difference between how you see yourself and others see you. I’ll post the link in a reply to avoid moderation.

    She told a story about finding out how other people perceive you, and asked the question “Have you ever asked the people closest to you what they think about you? And would you even want to know?” So I thought this would be a great topic to discuss amongst the Corporettes!

    This was my response:
    I think I, like many people, have a “public” personality and a “real” personality. At work, I try to be friendly, engaging, and social, because that’s the culture at my workplace. My colleagues have described me as “talkative,” “diplomatic,” “assertive,” “direct,” “perfectionist,” “cynical” and “loud.” It’s true that I have a loud voice and am a straight shooter, and as an attorney, I have to be both assertive and diplomatic. However, I am actually extremely introverted, and find having to be “on” all the time at work to be so exhausting that I have to be in silence and read books or practice yoga for a few hours every night at home to rejuvenate. I see myself as introverted, conflict-averse (I could never be a litigator!), somewhat high-maintenance, selfish insofar as I need a lot of me time, and extremely pragmatic. My friends tend to describe me in the same terms as I describe myself, but they would add that I can be snarky and even mean sometimes (true).

    I was surprised to hear some of the ways my colleagues have described me, especially being talkative and loud, and was a little chagrined to find out that my best friend thought I could be mean. But overall, I think this means I’m projecting the image I want to project at work, and I’m lucky to have friends who know the real me.

  2. Jennifer

    I ordered the Halogen pencil skirt from the Nordstrom’s anniversary sale and LOVE it, hanks for all the great input from Corporettes! My question is — does anyone have advice for how to get the skirt hanger clip marks out of the fabric? I feel like dry cleaning might make them worse.
    At home, I have pretty nice skirt hangers with rubber clips that don’t leave marks on skirts, I’m dealing with the aftereffects of the Nordstrom’s hangers here.

      • shrink

        Just checked out my order of “the skirt” in 10 regular and 12 petite. The waists are the same (hanger to hanger comparisons only), but the length is a no-go. The 10 regular is 1 to 1.5 inches longer than the 12 petite. So back goes the petite … I was hoping for the raspberry color. Will have to settle for ones I got from BB and Talbot’s in the past year. Wonder if my excellent seamstress could add the same seaming in them to reproduce the nice “shaping” “the” skirt gives my hourglass figure…just a thought. Hopefully, when I return it to the B&M store, I won’t see something else I can’t live without :)

        • Anonylawyer

          Thanks, that’s helpful. I have a 6P coming in black and I already have the skirt from a previous season in a “4” (let’s be honest – I have 2 of them in a 4 and also have a new one in the raspberry coming in a 4). I am glad the waist is the same. I don’t mind the slightly shorter length – I actually prefer shorter skirts wheras the reguler hits me right ON the knee. A few fingeres above the knee is ideal to me.

  3. CW

    I know people are sick of wedding posts, but my fiance and I are trying to figure out tipping etiquette for our wedding vendors. We’ve heard the “rule” that you don’t tip someone who owns their business, because of the assumption that they’ve incorporated that into their pricing. Is that still the rule? We have a photographer (self-employed) with an assistant – should we just tip the assistant and not our photographer? What about the music broker who put together a band for our wedding (owns his own business), and he chose to be one of the musicians in the band?

      • CW

        Thanks! My fiance feels like we should not tip our photographer (but tip his assistant), and the same with the music broker (tip his bandmates, but not him), because of this general self-employed rule. I sort of feel the opposite (mostly just because I would feel bad giving an envelope to one person, and just a handshake to the other!).

    • Always a NYer

      My general rule of thumb is to give everyone a tip. These people are in the service industry and depend on tips in addition to their regular earnings. While some may be self-employed, that doesn’t mean they aren’t working just as hard, if not harder, than their assistants/workers. Also, if you don’t tip the boss, chances are word will get around and people may not want to work with the “cheap people.” I don’t mean anything snarky by that it’s just that most of my family is in the service industry and feel strongly about tipping.

      Think of it this way – would you rather be seen as cheap or generous? I’ve never planned a wedding before but I’m guessing these two tips wouldn’t be more than $200. I’m guessing that amount of money won’t break your budget so err on the side of generous, just my two cents.

    • Emma

      Wait. Tip the photographer? Why? Why isn’t the price alone enough?

      Yikes. I never would think of doing this on my own. I guess I’m a bad tipper.

    • SA-lit-gator

      I haven’t heard of the self-employed rule. I got married recently and tipped vendors between $20 – 75 depending on the importance of their service. I did not tip for vendors where there’s no effort involved, such as delivering the dance floor. Caterer, dress alteration, wedding planner etc all got tips.

      I would definitely tip the photographer because unlike other vendors, 1/2 of what they do happens after the wedding (such as processing the photos, putting the album together, etc). I always felt that if I did not tip the photographer they wouldn’t do as good of a job later….and in that case I would really not have a good recourse. Sad to think of it like this, but I’d rather pay an extra $50 and make sure I have a great wedding album.

      I negotiated the original vendor prices though, so adding a tip didn’t make the vendor’s overall price outrageous.

      • Anonymous

        I am a wedding photographer & like most, I own my own business. Tipping isn’t required, but like any service, especially where we go out of the way to do a good job for you, it’s nice and it goes a long way towards our wanting to do “more” for you (like toss in extras that maybe you didn’t pay for, like prints, etc.).

      • Anonymous too

        I’m a regular wedding musician (self-employed). I cannot recall ever being tipped. Not that I wouldn’t appreciate it, but definitely not an expectation. If someone is booking a band/combo that they also play with, they would be charging both their fee as a musician as well as a charge for being the booking agent.

    • kz

      as I learned from Gilmore Girls back in the day (confirmed by my restaurant-owning father), you don’t tip the proprietor. But I always think of that as for restaurants and salons–I don’t know about other types of vendors. And it’s one of those “rules” that most people don’t know, anyway (Like you tip on pre-tax, not the total bill), so you can probably do whatever you want–I’m sure they’ve seen it all.

  4. found a peanut

    I have a question based on what someone else said in a comment yesterday, directed at those with husbands (or wives!) or significant others with whom you share your finances:

    Do you tell that person *everything* you spend on clothing? Someone (probably a troll) mentioned that her boyfriend would cut up her CCs if she spent a certain amount of money on something, and a regular poster replied that she hated this comment because partnerships should be equal. So I have a very equal, loving marriage (if anything, I call most of the shots) and I definitely do not tell my husband about everything I spend (and I’ll admit, sometimes I lie about how much things cost). For example, I recently bought a dress and he has no clue about it (obviously he’ll figure it out eventually but I will deal with that day when it gets here). And if my husband knew *exactly* how much I paid for, say, a pair of shoes, he’d be pretty peeved. He might not cut up my cards but he might make me return it and he would definitely be angry. I’m not spending above our means, it’s just that he’s of the opinion that instead of spending $X on shoes (or a purse or whatever) I should spend $X/2 and put the other half into savings.

    Do other women do this? Opinions? Should I respect him more or should I put my foot down and say, I make money too and if I want to spend it I’m going to. Or should I let sleeping dogs lie?

    • Anonymous

      Granted I’m not married yet, but this is why I think that having a shared checking/savings as well as each spouse getting a set amount of “mad money” each month to spend freely with no questions asked or judgment by the other spouse. I don’t want to be annoyed if my husband spends $4 a day on overpriced Starbucks, and I don’t want him getting annoyed at my $150 shoes that he thinks should be no more than $80. It seems like an easy compromise.

      • Anon

        I am not sure what the “perfect” set up is, but I definitely think lying about how much you spend is a bad idea. That doesn’t mean you need to leave all your receipts out so he can check them, but a direct lie (and especially a habit of lying) could seriously undermine your relationship.

        I don’t tell my husband every time I buy something but I don’t try to hide it and I tell him how much something costs if he asked. He does the same. In general, if something is over, say, $150, I will tell him I bought it or want to buy it and make sure he doesn’t freak out. Otherwise, we both expect that the other person isn’t making terrible financial decisions.

        I know some people set monthly fun money/shopping budgets to address this issue. For example, every month you each get to play with $200. You can buy whatever you want with that money without having to explain.

    • Always a NYer

      You don’t have to tell him about every purchase you make, but if he sees something new and asks about it, why should you lie? You’re making enough money to buy what you want. That being said, when I don’t feel like getting into a fight or making a big deal about something, I pay with cash.

    • Tina

      I think we should respect others’ right to run their own lives. Just because we are professionals who can manage our own money does not mean that everyone can. Some men let their wives do the bookeeping and other men do the financials. I personally balance my own checkbook, but I would not care if my boyfriend asked me to balance his checkbook, or if we got married, to handle the financial arrangements. All I am saying is that people are different and not to be judgemental if we don’t agree with others.

      • Aimee

        So true! But I think the problem here is that most of the posters are alpha females and do not realise that there are some women that simply prefer to let their man be the alpha leaders. That is why some of them get so peeved when they come across a beta female who does not mind that their man is the alpha in the family.

    • anon

      I too like and use the 3-pot rule: 1 pot of shared money, 1 pot for him, and 1 pot for you. obviously, you need to decide how much goes into which pot and how often, and that’s where the real discussion starts. No right answers, but each couple has to decide for themselves.

      For example, how much money do you each put into the shared pot? If you make more, do you contribute more? How much more? If you make less, does that mean that your personal pot is that much smaller than his? Should he be contributing to your personal pot (I say no, but again, every couple is different)?

      FWIW, in our case, the shared pot covers the house, rent, car, trips, insurance, college savings, groceries etc.
      His pot covers his golf trips and new phones or whatever.
      My pot covers my clothes, drinks with girlfriends, etc.

      Whatever you decide, it’s most important that you do actually discuss and decide something. Some couples don’t really track/discuss finances, saying “it all works out in the end” or whatever. That would never work for me, and I can’t imagine that it’s healthy in the long run.

      But to each their own!!

      • Anonymous

        I think this is a good solution! We even take dinners together and other “us” fun activities out of the joint pot. So the individual pots are “me”-only expenditures.

      • Scully

        I like the three pot rule too. I think it works best with a two-income household. On the other hand, quite a few of my friends just use one-pot, and consult each other before big purchases. My parents did it this way too.

        A few months back, I think there was a series on Slate about how couples deal with money. It was really interesting to see how they broke it down by age, education, etc.

    • Valleygirl

      We sort of do the shared pot rule too – we each have our own primary checking acct and each put in an equal percentage of our income (I say % and not amount because I make more than he does) into a shared account for household expenses. Our individual debts (CC’s, student loans, etc.) come out of our own checking accts and things like dog care, rent and groceries come out of the shared acct. Maintaining separate checking accounts was something that was very important to me when we were discussing marriage. I’m fine with discussing the price of shared/major purchases but I don’t want to hem and haw about getting a pair of shoes because my husband might think they’re too expensive. Similarly, because I teach grad school part time, I get a nice fat check once a quarter – and I always get a little weird when my husband starts talking about what “we’re” going to do with “our” money, because I’m the one who earned it (and the answer most of the time is use it for a joint thing – but the first check I got from teaching where he asked for a big chunk of it as mad money for him – I almost lost it at that one because I had been the one to earn it).

    • ATC

      I don’t tell my husband about every purchase, but I also don’t question him about how many books he buys or how much he spent on a weekend with his friends, etc. I think that as long as you are both purchasing within your means and you can trust each other, there’s no need to “fess up” when you splurge a little here and there. My husband, who spends quite little on clothes, doesn’t understand why I “need” to have certain items. However, I also don’t understand why one needs hundreds of books (he’s not a Kindle guy). I say there’s no need to provoke an arguement about who’s spending habits are more legitimate if it’s not a problem.

      • ATC

        Just to clarify though, my husband would never make me return anything or get really upset. If you have to lie because your husband would blow up at you, that’s another issue entirely.

        • Anonymous

          There are gradations of ‘blow up’, starting with ‘just not get it b/c guy stuff is different than girl stuff.’

    • beccavt

      At least in my marriage, I think that honest communication makes everything better. The fact that my husband and I have similar theories about money and similar spending habits probably helps, but our rule is that we just make sure we talk about it. We don’t really need “permission” from each other to buy something expensive, but we at least discuss it. We make sure to keep it respectful – no remarks about how it is ridiculous how much a pair of shoes costs, etc. Find out why the other person feels like it is a good buy, do some research together, to see if you can’t get a better deal, discuss whether it’s a good time to make the purchase or if it would be smarter to buy it next month, etc. etc. I think this is helpful just because it makes (both of) us think through our purchases before we buy, which helps avoid impulse buys that we would otherwise regret. It also avoids the problem of both partners making an impulse buy and spending the extra/mad money twice.

      Bottom line is, that I think a marriage should always be a team. If you are hiding purchases from your husband or lying about them, you aren’t being a good teammate. If he has unreasonable expectations about your spending and prohibits you from making your own decisions, then that isn’t being part of a team. Money situations that cause jealousy, resentment, anger, or backbiting need to be changed somehow. If a three pot system does this for you, great. If you have one pot of money, each person needs to understand that they can’t just suck it dry on a whim because that’s selfish behavior that negatively affects your partner and your team. Work on whatever “system” you work out until it doesn’t produce negative effects on your marriage in the short or long term (like sweeping it under the rug and never talking about it would do). The bottom line is that financial stress and disagreement ruins more marriages than any other issue. As much as you might want a pair of shoes or he wants a new TV, your relationship is more important than any of those things, and should be carefully protected in my opinion.

      • Research, not Law

        Agreed. Hiding or lying about finances seems like a red flag to me. My husband and I combine all our money and inform each other before making large purchases. It’s not to ask permission, but just to maintain trust and communication. Granted, our incomes are similar, but we’ve maintained this system since my husband became primarily a stay-at-home dad two years ago and my income is obviously now much larger.

        For example, I know a couple where the wife *thinks* she’s hiding her purchases, but her husband is aware of them – at least of the behavior and extent in general. To counteract, he hides money. He does it so that they maintain a savings level in his comfort zone, not out of (conscious) spite. But that certainly isn’t a healthy relationship.

    • Not Law

      I’ve been married nearly 29 years. Early on, when our oldest was a baby and we lived on one income (his), we discovered that I am a much better money manager than he is. So I took over all aspects of our finances. He got an allowance (based on his own estimate of what he needed to be comfortable), out of which he bought lunch/snacks if he chose not to brown-bag, gas, magazines and any other extras he wanted. He also got 1/2 his overtime (the other half we spent on Christmas). I bought everything else, and if I bought something for myself, he knew we could afford it. Because I had no way to earn money for extras, he sometimes bought me shoes out of his half of the OT money (we’re talking $30 running shoes, not $300 stilettos). Because I could make us live within our means, we were able to vacation every year (a big priority for us), we always had food and clothes, albeit not necessarily exactly the ones we wanted at the moment.

      FF 25 years: I make much more money than he does, although his (retirement) income would probably keep us OK. Our house is paid off. Both kids are through college with no debt. We spend 2 weeks in Mexico and 2-3 weekends in NYC every year, plus literally any other short trips we want. All this is possible now because the better money manager had the money reins, the impulse buyer had an allowance that provided for some fun, and neither of us felt the need to lie or to criticize the other’s spending.

      My point is that an allowance (or the “pots” method others have advocated) can be a great budgeting tool for couples. Not only can it prevent fights, but it can really help with your long-term financial goals.

    • Lana Lang

      This is interesting and I’ve chatted to a few friends about this before.

      I am single, but I have always imagined that if/when I am married, we would have three pots and we can each do what we like with our own pot.

      One of my friends, on the other hand, says she would pool all of the money and then spend out of it (but obviously have to agree if there are certain items you would need to discuss/thresholds).

      My parents have always had a joint account and their own accounts, and my friend’s parents have always pooled money. Pooling money seems sensible where you earn about the same amount, but imagine it would get harder the bigger the difference in your salaries. Should the person with the super-high salary subsidise the other? Should the person with less salary struggle along because they can’t afford the same as the other?

      I’ve always been very much like ‘my money, my business’ but somehow I have always in that scenario assumed that I would earn the same or more than my other half.

      Recently, a friend of mine moved in with her boyfriend who literally makes ten times as much as she does. To him, dropping $100 on drinks, is the equivalent of $10 for her. He doesn’t want her to pay rent now they live together because he owns their place and it’s peanuts for him vs. a third of her salary for half the mortgage.

      She is finding this all very uncomfortable as she is an independent type like me and is not liking being a ‘kept woman’ so to speak as she feels like it’s taking advantage.

      I don’t know what the answer is, but I guess the point is, as long as you discuss it and you are both happy and in agreement with your method of money management, then you’re ok and nobody else can tell you otherwise.

      • Living Together

        Has your friend considered having a cohabitation agreement? She could read a little about them (it can say whatever you want it to say, but she could see some samples) and decide if having one would reduce the “he’s paying for everthing” ickiness feeling she has.

      • emi s.

        In a situation with vastly unequal incomes, I like the idea of each contributing, say, 50% of income to the shared pot – and then paying for things like rent out of that.

      • anon

        Interesting to read about your friend with the 10x BF. My SO makes a lot more than I do also, and we have rules about spending at the lowest common denominator. (I do fine – I just don’t make what he does). A lot of people probably consider that extreme. What’s the point of making XX if you can’t spend it the way you like? For us, it works b/c we’re both very conservative about money, and big savers. But obviously, most couples in that situation fall somewhere closer to spending at the higher earner’s level, than at the lower earner’s level.

        What would concern me if I was in your friend’s shoes is the lack of control, in the way of “I’m paying for this so I decide, and you have to go along with it” whatever it was. Some couples actually work best that way, some couples treat all money as shared no matter who makes it, but it would bother me, especially since they’re spending at a rate that is so clearly not what she’s used to.

        It sounds like they’re fairly serious, so I hope that if they keep things going, they take the time to work through those conversations.

      • K

        Is anyone else in this situation? My boyfriend makes 7 or 8 times what I make (even though I do just fine, particularly considering my age, but he’s a couple of years older, more established in a more lucrative field, and also an extremely hard worker) and it’s been interesting trying to navigate the salary differential at times.

        We’ve kind of worked out an unspoken system of where I pay for smaller purchases (brunch, going to the movies, etc.) – when he lets me pay, which is a whole other story – and he picks up the tab for larger items (fancy dinners out, vacations, etc.).

        We don’t live together yet, but we’ve started talking about it, and naturally he wants to live in a much nicer place than I can afford. I have a bit of anxiety of feeling like he’s going to be subsidizing my lifestyle full time, even though he acts like it’s no big deal and tells me not to worry. I love being financially independent and take a lot of pride in providing for myself. Fortunately, we have another few months to go before any big decisions have to be made regarding living situations.

        Anyone else in this situation? How do you handle it?

        • anon

          I do and we live at my level (less money), with the exception of home, because i moved in with him. obviously, where you live is a significant part of your lifestyle, so i am undoubtedly benefiting from that.

          You need to ask yourselves:

          1) If you move into a nicer place,

          • anon

            whoops, well obviously that sent too early. to finish:

            the main principle you need to agree on is a) what % of what costs you cover, and b) how that impacts your decision-making ability. And then figure out what works for you both.

            Some examples:
            1) Rent. (I hope you’re not buying a place together yet). You probably want to cover at least some part of the rent, have your name on the renter’s contract, etc. Let’s say he wants to live in a $5k/month place, ask yourself how much of the rent you are OK with covering, and then whether that means he gets more of a say in the related decisions. For example, if he pays more for the apartment than you do, does he get more say in which apartment you actually live in? Are you allowed to veto a place that’s further from from your office, or that you just don’t like as much, if he really likes it and he’s paying for 80% of the rent anyway? No right answers, but something to consider.

            2) Household. A bigger place needs more furnishings. If he’s the one who wanted the bigger place, does he pony up the cost for the additional bed, couch, tables, whatever? And if so, does that mean that he gets to pick black leather even if you don’t like it?

            3) Vacations. May he’s willing to pay for a super fancy trip to Aspen and you were thinking more of a quick weekend trip to Jamaica on miles. If he pays, do you go skiing? If you go to Jamaica, does he still pay, or do you split it, or do you pay for all of it?

            Obviously these are just illustrative examples, but you get the idea.

            Like everyone else says – COMMUNICATION is key. If you can work out the apartment-couch-vacation type of stuff, you’ll be ready to advance to the retirement savings / insurance / investments type of stuff if your relationship moves forward.

        • Jr. Prof

          Similar here. My husband makes 3x what I do. He pays the mortgage, all the utility bills, incl. my phone, most expensive dinners out, his student loans, his retirement, his car upkeep. After covering all that, he’s got about the same amount of discretionary income that I do. I pay for groceries & house stuff, cheaper meals out, movies, my student loans, retirement, car upkeep, clothes, etc. We both pay for vacations. He certainly ends up subsidizing me in certain ways – I couldn’t buy Cole Haan shoes if I were paying rent on my salary. This works for us now… it will be interesting to see what happens if/ when we expand the family.

          Currently we don’t do the three-pots thing, we just each pay for stuff as we go. He knows I like expensive shoes (for example) but isn’t concerned about purchases unless they reach four figures. We’re both reasonably frugal and not too acquistive though. And I’m still recovering from a decade as a grad student, when even $20 seemed like a LOT of money.

        • Ebro Fin

          I earn quite a bit more than my husband and we work it out this way:

          1. I paid the mortgage on the house (done now) and it’s in my name. I’ve left the house to him in my will with money for taxes in case anything happens to me.
          2. We live in a planned community, so he pays the monthly fees.
          3. I pay all the utilities, TiVo, car insurance–regular bills for shared things.
          4. I buy new cars every 3-4 years and sell him my low mileage, immaculate used car for blue book.
          5. We discuss things like new TVs, appliances, household remodels, he frequently picks and I pay (usually he cares more than I do).
          6. We each buy our own clothes, books, sundries.
          7. He buys and cooks (!) the food.

          In the end, I probably pay more and have more discretionary money but it works for us. I think the key is we agree on the fundamentals of saving and planning for retirement.

          • manoavalleygirl

            Wow, except for the planned community, we live just like you. I pay mortgage, insurance, electricity, cable, child’s tuition, everyone’s clothes, my car, health care costs. He pays food, his own car, his own expenses, and our expensive dinners out. He does all the grocery shopping, cooking, kitchen cleaning, and laundry. He also pays for a housekeeper twice per month.

            We don’t have a shared bank account and he has no standing to object to any of my purchases, nor do I of his.

            Works for us.

      • Duckie

        re: your friend who moved in with her bf:

        I don’t think that sharing finances means everyone pays an equal amount. Since it’s generally recommended to spend around 25% of income on housing, perhaps she could chip in 25% of her income, so that she feels better about it.

        However, so long as they both act like the condo is “their” place and he’s not making her feel like it’s his place and she’s a guest, I don’t see why she should pay rent if he doesn’t need the money. Maybe they could register as domestic partners, if they live somewhere that allows that, so she feels more like it’s hers too. And instead of paying rent, she could put that 25% toward something for both of them – a future wedding if they’re planning to get engaged, saving for a bigger house when they have a family someday, even a romantic vacation.

    • Lyssa

      I think that our circumstances are different because, for us, I’m the cheap-o and he’s the spender, but I definitely would not recommend lying. For us, even though we have different personalities on it, we’ve sort of come together in a way that we’re both pretty happy without having a strict control on spending. (Neither of us specifically tells the other about every purchase/amount, but it’s not a secret, just doesn’t always get mentioned.)

      I really like the idea of each having a set amount of free-spending money; it’s just not something that we’ve ever been able to keep track of. But if you guys can take, say $100 per month, in cash, and say “this is my fun money” and set parameters about what you’re responsible for spending it on, that’s a good compromise.

      One thing that you have to worry about with that, though, is what does it go to? If you guys decide to see a movie, does each ticket come out of it? What if it’s a movie that he wants to see, and you’re just reluctantly coming along? What about dinners out? Does make-up/toiletries count with clothing, or is that separate? What about hair cuts (necessary, but most of us could probably spend less and our husbands probably do spend less than we do.) Etc.

    • Bonnie

      I don’t lie about my purchases but then he doesn’t usually ask. We’ve avoided most money arguments by having several accounts. We each have our own accounts and then have a joint account from which we pay household expenses, dinners out, groceries, etc. We agreed on an appropriate contribution amount for the joint account and have it drafted from our individual accounts weekly.

    • Anon

      When we are on a strict budget (usually because we are trying to save up for something big), then we will both kind of scrutinize what the other is purchasing. If we are not on such a strict budget and have more play money, then we don’t usually question stuff. We always discuss big purchases together though.

      We keep our money in a shared account. We have never really had separate money, except gifts. Even a bonus check will usually get spent on something for the family. We married young though, we were both students and poor.

    • Lucky

      I think this is more about communication than it is about money. You have to figure out how to be in this relationship without (1) lying to him and (2) changing your not-beyond-your-budget spending. Lying to your life partner is a bad idea, and feeling like you have to lie in order to preserve some bit of yourself is even worse.

      You have needs and wants, and as long as your wants — and his wants — are within your means, there should be no reason not to indulge. If, however, you and he have different priorities, you have to work that out. If he thinks that you’ll be retiring early to live on an island somewhere, he might see every pair of Manolos as defering that dream. If you think dressing to a certain level will help you get a promotion, you think the Manolos accelerate the dream. Talk about it.

      Also, consider that he may be feeling that he is making sacrifices for what he considers to be your splurges. Talk about that. Does he give himself any treats? Are they proportionate to either your treats or, if this is how your relationship works, your relative incomes?

      If you are basing your spending on relative incomes, maybe that’s not working for your relationship. If you’re not, maybe you should try it.

      In my relationship, the one-pot method works just fine. My husband and I have similar spending and saving styles, so we don’t generally get fussed at each other about money. We each buy what we want, but we also are each inclined to run it by the other if the amount is over $x (with x depending on the type of item).

      I know people who prefer the three-pot method, based on either $ or %. It depends on you and your husband. If you’re feeling that you have to hide the price of a dress from him, it might be easier in your case for you each to have a separate pot of money to be spent individually, no questions asked.

      I know I’m being repetitive, but talk about it. That’s crucial for your marriage.

    • Oh Finances

      I’m late to this party, but I’ll throw my opinion out there. My husband and I just had a decent argument over finances, so I’m still on the bitter end of this topic. He’s decided that he wants to retire at 35, and he wants me to retire at 35 with him. Frankly, I don’t want to retire at 35, and as my field requires more experience to get the “dream job”, I’ll just be hitting my stride at that age. So there’s issue number 1, that he’s going into super-super-saver mode, and I’m just in saver mode (sometimes super-saver, as I’m generally not a big spender anyways, but relative to his overdrive saving, mine’s minimal). Issue number 2 is that we moved to another state right after we got married so that he could take his “dream job”, and he was/is making a lot of money. During that time, my career was in the toilet, as the geographic region is terrible for my skill set and experience. When he was making all that money, he was spending on random stuff, and I didn’t judge. Now that I’m making a decent salary (but still a little less than half of what he makes), I want to be able to buy what I want without him being judgemental about it. Basically, I’m pretty resentful about the fact that he got to have fun when he wanted, and I’m fine with working while he’s retired (so I’ll be subsiziding him at that point), but yet he’s being judgemental about my current spending. Finances are tricky business, even when you think you’re on the same page. Does this mean I get to be judgemental when I’m supporting our lifestyle, because I think policing his spending is just stupid. We’re still working on this one, and we’re both kind of control freaks, so it’s not a matter of “allowing”, it’s more a matter of commenting every time there’s any little purchase.
      Also, what if one person is just in a lower paying field than their SO? As we’ve discussed before, there’s plenty of career paths that require multiple graduate degrees and experience, but they just don’t pay that much. If you’re on the same page about your financial habits, core values, and intellectual stimulation, why should one partner be penalized for going into a lower paying field?

      • Aimee

        I hesitate to ask just what field(s) you two are in that you can retire at 35?

        With him, I am guessing he is a major league sports figure (as men get old and worn out about the time they reach 35), but what about you?

        What line of business are you in that you can “retire” when you are age 35?

        • E

          I doubt major league sports. Probably more liking banking or another professional career where he is having 500k-1m plus years… And if you have enough of them and spend like you’re only making 100k, you can save up enough to retire pretty quickly.

      • Kitty

        Have you spoken to a financial planner? I really, really think someone in your situation needs some professional advice. Retiring at 35 sounds amazing, but even if you have 8 figures worth of savings and investments, it can be spent much faster than you’d think. And the fact that you talk about judgment and policing spending indicates that you guys aren’t really on the same page – you need to sit down, figure out how much you can spend on X income, and stick to that. It shouldn’t be one person’s decision/judgment about the other’s spending.

        As for retiring at 35 – if you value your career and want to keep going then don’t retire. If your husband can’t understand that your career is important to you, then you guys have bigger problems. I personally would not want to retire in my 30s either, but some people (like your hubs) work only for the money and would retire the second they have enough.

        My uncle retired at 50, so that he could stay at home and watch the kids while his wife (in her early 40s) rededicated herself to her career. Now, 6 years later, she makes mid-6 figures plus bonus and is a superstar in her field, and he is a soccer dad. They could have lived on his pension, but she wanted to focus on her career. Nothing wrong with that.

        • Anne Shirley

          And retiring at 35 isn’t just a financial issue. What’s he going to do all day? Will you have children at that point? Will he take care of the kids and house, or expect you to hire a nanny and housekeeper because he’s retired?

          • Hel-lo

            Retiring at 35 seems completely ridiculous to me. So he is planning to live for more years in retirement than he spent working? Unless he makes multiple millions, and lives like a pauper before and after retirement, it just isn’t going to work.

        • Oh Finances

          How odd… I thought it ate my comment. Anyways, re: retiring, he actually really enjoys work, so I highly doubt that even if it would work financially, he’d still end up working at least part time. This is part of the frustration with the finances discussion, because I don’t actually think that’s going to happen (way early retirement)… so I am not inclined to try to super-super-save our way to that goal. As I said in the original post, I’m kind of on the bitter end of the topic since we just recently argued about it, but I think goal-setting is hugely important when discussing the finances. Clearly, our goals are not aligned properly right now, and that’s causing some issues.

    • Duckie

      Personally I’m not good with money at all – actually my dad manages my student loans for me and he controls access to my savings account, I don’t even know the password to check it online. I have an account set up for my student loans and another one for savings, and he tells me how much to put in, I put it in every month, and then whatever I am left with is what I have to spend for the month for my bills, rent, fun stuff, etc. My retirement savings, transit, insurance, etc, is automatically deducted from my check, and actually my dad manages my retirement investments too. (He is a serious investor, I wouldn’t trust just any random family member with managing my investments.)

      When I get married (fingers crossed) I hope that my husband would manage the finances. I’d be perfectly happy having one pot and getting a monthly “allowance” after the bills are paid, or having three pots and contributing whatever he tells me I need to contribute to the shared pot. But if I’m left to my own devices, my expenditures generally rise to meet my income. Much better to have someone else in charge.

      • Duckie

        By the way, putting my dad in charge was my idea when I got out of law school. I know it sounds weird, but it works well for me. If I want to dip into my savings, I have to ask my dad – he always says yes, since it’s my money, but just having to tell him makes me rethink whether I really want to buy whatever it is I’m thinking of buying.

        • Tina

          This is like me. I want my husband to manage our money. I perfer to concentrate on work, not minutiae like check book balancing. That is not the way I want to waste my time.

          • Divaliscious11

            So long as you both know what to so that in the event something happens to your financial caregiver, it’s fine. But it is really dangerous to not have access to your own accounts…..

    • AnoninDC

      My husband and I have a monthly budget that we created together and tweaked over a few months. Within that, I have a monthly shopping budget. So what I buy within that amount is my business. There are times when I really need something that might put me out of that monthly budget, like a new winter coat. Or there was the time that I wanted to celebrate landing my dream job by purchasing a really nice handbag that I wouldn’t normally even consider. In those instances, I just let him know that I’ll be buying that item. We then take that amount from somewhere else in our budget, or we just end up saving a little less that month. This keeps us on the same page with our finances, which is nice and (I think) really important in a marriage.

      When we got married, I was really worried we might fight about my shopping. When we were dating and engaged, my husband would often make jokes and comments about what I spent on an item or how many shopping bags I came home with on a particular day. The budget thing really works for us because it takes any comments or guilt trips out of the equation. And honesty is one of the most important things in my marriage, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable lying about a big purchase.

      That being said, that’s what works for us…but every relationship is different!

  5. whatkateworeDOTcom

    A few weeks ago, there was some discusssion in the comments about Catherine Middleton’s wardrobe and style. Last night, I came across a blog devoted to her style. As an avid fan of http://www.mrs-oDOTcom, I was hooked and stayed up way past my bedtime reading every entry. Thought it might interest some of you.

    • Lisa

      The woman who writes that blog is a blog friend of mine. She runs The Preppy Princess business. A woman entrepreneur who carries a wonderful sense of ethics, kindness, and humility through her dealings. Well worth emulating.

      • DammitJanet

        I am *loving* this blog, and your endorsement just makes it that much better (I love your blog and your comments here, btw.)

  6. Nancy P

    Has anyone ever used calf extenders for boots? I ordered Cole Haan Air boots from the NAS, and I really like them _except_ I can only zip them up with a lot of . . . discomfort. They’re a good deal, and I need new boots — should my shoe repair people be able to help with this?

    • Maddie Ross

      Take them to a professional cobbler. I had a pair of J.Crew boots stretched last winter and it worked well. The cobbler did tell me that they can only add about 1/2 inch though.

    • MelD

      If they’re leather and you can already zip them up fully, a good cobbler should be able to stretch the shafts out a bit so they’ll fit more comfortably.

  7. AIMS

    Hmm. The black diamond ring is very striking, but I am not sure how I feel about precious stones set in stainless steel. It just doesn’t make sense to me. If you’re going to put a diamond in something (black or otherwise), it should be gold or platinum. Maybe silver. But stainless steel?

    I saw some pendants in Tiffany’s the other day on black silk cords (or at least I hope they were silk) and I thought the same thing — why would you buy something for $500+ (some were $2-3K) if it’s going to look frayed in not too long a time?

    • Coach Laura

      I agree that stainless seems a cheap to go with diamonds but after looking at the ring, I understand why. If it had silver or platinum or other non-black metal, the “look” of the ring would change. It’s a design element as much as the black diamonds are. I’d worry that the ion-charged stainless would chip or show wear. But otherwise, I like the look of the ring.

  8. Reader

    The ring’s a bit on the nose. My mother would love it. She’s glitterphiliac.

      • CT

        Really random, but there’s a website called the A/V club that discusses media (TV shows, movies, etc) and they often use the phrase in their reviews. It always makes me chuckle.

        • Reader

          I assume the A/V Club is still part of The Onion. I enjoy their features, when I happen upon them, but I already have too much to read.

          I picked up “on the nose” in a screenwriting class. I thought its use was broader.

    • Jr. Prof

      Totally love it.

      If I had $150 to spend on costume jewelry…. but then that’s when pigs fly.

      • Reader

        That ring is what I’d put in the dictionary under the entry “Tchotchke.”

  9. Scully

    So excited I can read for leisure again! Any book recommendations? I’ll read pretty much any genre (not too big on the chick lit or romance though).

    • Duckie

      May I suggest the entire Song of Ice and Fire series? It will keep you occupied, and obsessed, for a solid month (unless you’re like me and read for hours and hours until you realize your neck has gotten stuck in one position, roll over, and keep reading).

        • Duckie

          I had to stop after the 3rd book because it was interfering with my productivity. I’d read all night, come to work exhausted, and then start reading again at my desk. Can’t wait til vacation b/c I can start the 4th one.

          • b23

            I actually ruined a vacation once because I was reading too much! The hubs got mad at me for not spending more time with him. :)

      • manoavalleygirl

        I was 80% through the last (just released) book, and it disappeared from my Kindle. I read it before work as I was blow-drying my hair. I closed the Kindle. At lunch, I opened the Kindle, and the book had disappeared. All my other 200+ books are still there. So, I tried to buy it again because I’m that obsessed, and Kindle told me I already purchased it and it appears I can’t purchase it again.

        I may have to buy hard copy.

        Great series!

        • lostintranslation

          Have you tried going to “manage my Kindle” on the Amazon site? You sign in -> “Your Digital Items” (upper right hand corner of the page) -> “Manage your kindle” (in the first kindle section)

          It gives you an overview of all of your purchases, and you can resend the book to your device (or a different device). Otherwise, I would contact customer service, since they were prompt and polite and refunded my order when a book was defective :)

          Love, A Kindle Addict

        • Elsbeth

          Just go to your “Archives”. It will be the very last item on your Kindle. Open it, then re-download the book.

          • manoavalleygirl

            Thank you Lostintranslation and Elsbeth! I tried Elsbeth’s trick and it worked and I’m so happy.

      • Inva

        Just started the first one! Happy to see good reviews here. I’m always excited to get my hands on a series – I know that I have multiple books to look forward to.

    • anon

      Fiction: I just finished Freedom (Franzen) and loved it, even though a lot of people thought it was too long and etc. Totally engrossing for me.

      Non Fiction: People are raving about Emperor of All Maladies. I may have to give that one a try.

      I also really like Bill Bryson, he’s not to everyone’s taste, but I found A Short History Of Nearly Everything and A Walk in the Woods very enjoyable.

      • Emma

        The Emperor of All Maladies: very good, very slow-going. But I find I can pick it up after a stretch of not reading it, and get right back into it.

      • kz

        love Bill Bryson. I think his Australia book was the funniest (In a Sunburned Country).

    • karenpadi

      I’ll second the game of thrones. I’d add Bossypants by Tina Fey and the Hunger Games series.

    • M in CA

      Hunger Games – great, fast read, reminded me of why I loved reading as a young girl/teenager
      The Passage – vampire apocalypse, big book, first in a series (sequel comes out in 2012); great book, scary at times, thought-provoking, and very, very well-written
      Game of Thrones – I loved the TV show so much that my plan is to read the book that comes out after the corresponding season that just aired (I know this will be a problem w/ books 4 and 5). I’m really liking the book so far.

      So I tend to like dystopian/post-apocalyptic/fantasy stuff. For something light and fun, I highly recommend “Attachments” by Rainbow Rowell. It’s really sweet and romantic without being cloying. Loved it. I’m like you – don’t like chick lit/romance but this was one I felt good about. I read it between The Passage and starting Game of Thrones, and it kind of felt like sorbet for the mind. In a good way.

      For non-fiction, I’ve got Nothing Daunted, which I haven’t started but I’m really looking forward to.

      • Hel-lo

        M in CA – I also loved Hunger Games (see above) and The Passage is next on my list.

        I’m curious about Game of Thrones. What do you like about it? I heard it described as “Lord of the Rings” meets “300.” That was a big turnoff for me. Are there female characters you can get behind? Is it just senseless violence all the time? Are most of the characters human?

        For my tastes, I love dystopian futures, but prefer human beings to fantastical creatures. (I make an exception for zombies and vampires.) I never really liked Lord of the Rings. Loved The Road and Room.

        (I’m not sure I’ve ever described my book tastes this way. It feels a little strange.)

        • cbackson

          There’s a lot of violence, but it’s not senseless. They’re almost alternate history, rather than fantasy (there are a few things that tip them over into fantasy, but no elves wandering about, and very little in the way of magic), and I think that the level of violence is appropriate to the “historical” period that the world of the books references.

          Lots of female characters, and most of them are awesome.

        • CT

          There are stong female characters (much moreso that Lord of the Rings!). There is a lot of violence, but it’s not *too* horrible and it all seems necessary for the plot (so far… I’m on book 2, and I hear it gets more bloody as it progresses). Basically it has a lot of politics and war strategizing, but also a ton of really human characters, and it fleshes out motivations really well. I found it totally engrossing. The bad people still seem human and not just ridiculously evil, which I always appreciate in fantasy books. I’m also a political science nerd so maybe that’s why I love it.
          Hope this helps!

        • Duckie

          One of the things that I really like about it is how well developed the female characters are – much more so than is usual for fantasy novels. Women have real personalities and wield real power. I don’t think the books have much in common with LOTR other than being epic. Actually, I think they’re much better than LOTR, because the characters are much more multi-dimensional and real. I haven’t read or heard of 300, so can’t comment on that.

          I also don’t like fantastical creatures, which is another reason I love Song of Ice and Fire much more than I usually like fantasy. It’s about people, living on earth. There’s magic, but you can’t always tell if it’s real or if people just believe it is, just like in the actual Middle Ages. I wouldn’t call it dystopian so much as almost nihilistic – there are no true protagonists or antagonists, and definitely no heroes.

        • ML

          I’m not sure who would describe the series that way- i’ve read Song of ice and fire about 4 times now, and it’s amazing every time. I think it’s far superior to LOTR in plot, character-building and development, and dialogue. Martin is not a world builder in the way Tolkien is, but he is a master ful writer of character. In that way, the series reminds me of The Wire, which I loved. It’s an ensemble cast with many stories overlapping within the larger story, and every character is very “gray” rather than black or white. It’s definitely “low fantasy”, not high fantasy, so there are no orks, elves, goblins, etc. The author took inspiration from the War of the Roses and it often feels more like historical fiction. Lots of scheming and feuding and struggles for power. Highly recommend.

        • M in CA

          Hi Hel-lo (hee): I never actually read LOTR but thanks to an ex-BF have gotten to know the movies quite well and how they compare to the books. I have just started GoT and while I’m taking my time (lesson learned after staying up until 4am to finish The Passage), I like the way it’s written, so far. Also, since I have seen the TV show, I like being able to add to what’s already in my head from that. (Gosh, does that even make sense? Hopefully. It’s been a crazy day.)

          Re: Room — oh, that book. I have a hard time recommending it to people because it can be so upsetting. I’m glad I read it, but it’s not something I’m going to read again. Talk about intense.

          I loved The Road also.

          Take your time with the Passage. I didn’t know it was the start of a series until I got to the end (at 4am!) and while it wasn’t a giant cliffhanger, it’s obvious there is more to the story. That said, it is really good and I want to go back and read it again and take some more time.

          It sounds like we have similar tastes! Corporette Book Club, anyone?

        • kz

          It is far, far better than Lord of the Rings in my opinion (I love the LoTR movies, but actually find the books in desperate need of a good editing. And I’m a huge fantasy fan). Game of Thrones, in it’s essence, is really a historical political novel set in a fantasy world. As someone says above, it’s somewhat based on the War of the Roses that happens to have some fantasy elements (the fantasy elements grow as the series goes on, but even in the fifth book that just came out, it still doesn’t really feel like traditional fantasy).

          As for the characters, they are almost all human, and really most of the major power players are women once you get past the first book. The book is really about the characters–none of the major characters are really good or evil. It’s pretty much a “the world is shades of grey” sort of book, exploring the motivations for why the characters do what they do.

          • Duckie

            I am so relieved to read these comments and realize that I’m not the only fantasy fan who doesn’t like LOTR. Years of ostracism have vanished in an instant. Thanks ladies!

        • Hel-lo

          Thank you ladies so much! I feel much better about Game of Thrones now. I’m totally going to read it now.

      • ADB_BWG

        Give two of SM Stirling’s series a try, then. Dies the Fire starts off a very long series (next book in September) about a world where modern technology ceases to work and society has to sort itself out. The other (a trilogy) starts with Island in the Sea of Time and sends Nantucket back to 1250 BC — complete with technology. Great reads, great characters.

    • AIMS

      Garth Nix’s Sabriel, Lirael & Abhorsen trilogy. It’s total fantasy, completely engrossing from the start, has a fantastic lead female character, lots of adventure, there’s a talking cat . . . . It’s just total escapist fun. I read the books in law school after exam season and they were just the thing to stop thinking and disappear into a whole nother world (fwiw, I am not even too into sci fi/fantasy, so I think anyone could appreciate these).

    • ML

      Yes, Song of Ice and Fire/game of thrones! Hunger Games was good. Bossy pants is a fun quick read. David Sedaris is one of my favorites- so funny! Anthony Bourdain’s books are not bad. If you like adventure non fiction, “Into the wild” is one of my absolute favorites. In fact, i bought it at the airport after the bar and it kept me company on the plane ride home.

    • anonx1000

      my favorite book so far this year is Gabrielle Hamilton’s memoir, Blood, Bones & Butter.

    • Lynnet

      Cordelia’s Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold. I reread this during the evenings while I was studying for the bar, and I’d forgotten how amazing it is. It’s one of those books that you can read as a great straight up sci-fi adventure, but if you want to think about it, there’s a lot there to chew on. If you want a grown-up Hunger Games, you might like this.

      • Ekaterin Nile

        As you can tell from my handle, I’m a huge fan of Lois McMaster Bujold. I love Cordelia’s Honor.

    • Inva

      Shantaram is the best book that I have read recently. It’s amazing. Rare is the book that makes me cry throughout the story (not just at the end) – in the best possible way.

    • Bex

      Have you read The Brothers K by David James Duncan? I read it a couple summers ago and just adored it. It’s so lovely and it has a little bit of everything: baseball, love, family, the Vietnam War, religion. Hilarious in parts, tragic in others.

      I’d love to read it again, actually, now that I’m finally done with the stupid bar exam and I have no idea what to do with myself.

    • Ekaterin Nile

      Has anyone else read anything by Connie Willis? I’m always so moved by her books and each one is different. I’d recommend The Doomsday Book, Blackout, and All Clear. And Passage…

      • kz

        I’ve read To Say Nothing of the Dog and the Doomsday Book. To Say Nothing of the Dog took me some time to get into, but then I really enjoyed it, and Doomsday Book I liked from the start. I’m on the library waiting list for Blackout and All Clear, so I’m looking forward to those

  10. Amelia

    A previous comment thread got me thinking, how much do you guys spend on your clothing and do you have a general spending philosophy? What’s a splurge for you, what is your must have in designer, and what are you willing to purchase cheap at forever 21? I’m hoping this doesn’t start a firestorm of judgment, just curious about other coporettes. As for me:

    I usually spend about $2000 per year on clothing, with my spending habits changing wildly from one month to the next. The most I would spend on any one item is $100, and that’s only for boots and winter coat type items. The most I would ever spend on a blouse or shirt would be about $25 and the most on pants about $40. This has led to me having a ton of throw-away clothes, most bought at stores like Ross and TJ Maxx, but also on sale at places like JCrew and Banana Republic.

    HOWEVER, for the last few months I’ve been a frequent reader of coporette and I’m starting to change my habits. I’m looking at shopping seasonally during major sales at higher-end places, and regularly browsing discount stores. Additionally, I think my purchase of a quarterly cheapo bag from Target may transform to buying one really nice (and maybe even designer) bag from a department store ad hoping it lasts me a year.

    • anon

      My habits have really evolved. I used to buy nothing over $50-100, and shop almost exclusively at outlets (Theory outlet, Saks Off Fifth, NM Last Call), BR, Ann Taylor and the like. And always on sale. I bought a lot of throwaway clothes, and a lot of “going out” clothes (you know the type). I shopped a lot, driven mainly by price and general appeal (“oh that’s pretty”) but without a clear plan for how things fit into my wardrobe.

      Things started changing when I got promoted at work, became involved in a serious relationship, and lost a bunch of weight (not in that order though!). I needed clothes that were more professional and better quality; I needed clothes that were smaller sizes; and I needed a lot less of the “going out” stuff.

      I started shopping based on need and fit instead of price. I do buy more expensive things, but a lot less often. The clothes I own are of higher quality, and my style is more grown up. And last but not least, I work with a Nordstrom personal shopper – which, as many people will tell you, is fantastic. but not cheap. However, if you go in with a plan and haunt the sales, I think it’s a great way to go and much more effective/efficient than my old method.

    • Duckie

      I’m about the same as you. I shop sales, and generally won’t pay more than $25 for a top and $40 for bottoms. I feel like there’s always a top on sale somewhere that I’ll like, so I’ll never pay full price. I’ll go up a bit higher for a dress – maybe $80-100. I like to wear dresses a lot, so I get a lot more wear out of them. In general I want to wear something at least once for every dollar of the price.

      Exceptions to that dollar rule are things like suits and formalwear, that need to be high quality even though I only wear them occasionally. I’ll spend around $100 for a blazer or jacket, and maybe $150 for a suit, but usually I can get very nice suits marked down to around $99 at Filene’s. Filene’s is also good for the odd occasions when I need a new gown or party dress, which I won’t pay more than $50-100 for.

      Prices above don’t include tailoring. I’m a shortie so basically everything but tops gets tailored.

      I spend more on shoes and bags. I’ll go up to around $400 for a purse (I only have 3 purses), and $100 for a tote. Most of my shoes cost in the $100 range, but they vary from about $50 to $150. I carry my bags for years, and since I have foot problems, I can’t skimp on supportive, well-made footwear.

    • lynn

      I’ve gotten totally into thrifting in the last 2-3 years. I now pay around $3-5 for blouses and the same for skirts, jackets and pants. I’ve even lucked out and found a few suits for around $15. My best finds were a Theory pants suit (that fit me perfectly) for $10 and a Marc Jacobs tote for $12. Shoes are harder to thrift (but not impossible), so I still shop for those new, but on major sale. My 2 work sandals (1 black & silver, the other pair is tan) cost $15 and $5 each on clearance. I thrifted my white sandals for $4. I don’t remember paying more than $20-40 for pumps and $30-50 for boots (other than my cowboy boots from Mexico and my recent $100 Docs purchse). My Chuck Taylors were thrifted for $3, $6 and $7 per pair.

  11. Confessions

    Re-post from Friday’s TPS, but I thought I’d post again here since traffic there is unlikely now

    Update: Thank you to all that responded to my post a couple of days ago re: horrible boss upset about me taking a week off for foot surgery. I went back to the Dr.’s office for my pre-surgery appointment and was informed that my surgery has to be in two parts this time because of the bone structure. My firm is super small: 2 partners, 3 associates, no HR dept., no FMLA, etc. Both partners were in one partner’s office, so I took the oportunity to explain my surgery scheduled for Monday and it was just awful. I ended up heaaring about their war stories of working while injured, recovering from surgery, etc. So, in the end, I reluctantly agreed to work from home for one week and come back full force after that and did not tell them about the 2nd surgery. I rationalized the not telling them part based on the fact that I, myself, don’t know when it’s going to happen and what it will entail. But, ladies, I now feel like a huge WIMP. I’ve been told by people that I respect and that are respected in my field that I am a stellar advocate, but when it comes to my own personal battles, I just feel like I sell myself short! I really don’t know what to do in this situation now and I am just so upset.

    • Duckie

      I don’t know that I have specific advice for what you should do, because I don’t know your bosses or your office. What I would do, in my office, is just put my foot (har har) down and say that I am having surgery, I will be unable to work while recovering for a number of weeks as ordered by the doctor, I will be incommunicado for up to one week after the surgery but will be willing to answer emails and take calls after that, and the same will apply for my second surgery. I wouldn’t ask, I’d tell. This is your health and your body we’re talking about here; it is more important than whatever case you’re working on. Working from home for a week and then coming back to work is a recipe for disaster. You will not be prepared to work on anything the day after having major surgery.

      I don’t know if you have disability insurance – I have disability insurance at my job, so I would have to take any leave at the percentage of my salary covered by the insurance (I think 60%). Since your firm is small and may have to hire a temp to fill in for you, in the absence of insurance, it probably would be reasonable for them to ask you to take the leave unpaid beyond any sick days you may have accumulated.

      • A

        I agree with this and all the comments – sometimes bullies see how much they can get away with and you just have to say “no” forcefully and leave it at that.

    • Anonymous

      Get a new job where you’re respected. Harsh, and I’m sorry, but seriously. People need to respect you. You deserve it.

      • Anne Shirley

        One time, true story, my boss actually tried to not pay me for 2 weeks work. I yelled at him. Actually yelled- he was completely stunned, but Never pulled that crap again. There are some people, let’s call them bullies, who will not respect you unless you fight.

        • Duckie

          I also have yelled at a boss, who yelled at me first. I told him not to talk to me that way. He never did again and we became friends. Could have easily backfired for others, though – it was a government job and I knew he couldn’t fire me.

          • CDN Anon

            One of my best friends yelled at a difficult client who yelled at her first. He deals only with her now, no one else at the firm, because she’s “real.”

            YMM definitely V!

    • anon

      You might mention you’ll be on pain medication the first week and probably groggy, but if they really want you trying to do work in that condition, you’ll give it a shot, but can’t guarantee anything you produce will be coherent.

    • Blue Velveteen Rabbit

      I’m late to this, but what is the surgery? I had bunion surgery on both of my feet and dealt with something similar. They weren’t thrilled about me taking time off (two weeks for each foot) but I didn’t care much because I wanted to quit. I did the two feet about four months apart so that I could recover before the second surgery (though really it takes more like six months to recover) and it was a huge pain in the butt, but I think worthwhile.

      Have you looked into short term disability if you’ve used up your sick days? Also, I didn’t think I’d want to do any work from home, but in the end, I was only out of it for the day of the surgery, then completely fine and off meds (other than advil). I was actually really bored and it was nice having something to do for part of the day–I probably worked about 8 hours a day and then read/watched tv the rest of the time–still a full day!

      Stand up for yourself but I wouldn’t freak out just yet about how much time you’ll miss–being back at work was much harder for me than being at home. It was easier for me to work with a foot on a pillow at home than in my office with my foot throbbing.

      Good luck! It won’t be that bad!

  12. ISO

    ISO advice re unemployment-I posted a couple of months back re losing my big law job and getting ten weeks of severance. I have actively searched for a new attorney position and applied to at least two dozen places with no success. Now, my mother in law thinks I should apply for unemployment benefits immediately. Seeing how DH is still employed and we have enough in savings to see us comfortably through the year I’m ambivalent about this. Am I crazy? Is there a stigma associated with this or is it all in my head?

    • Lola

      If you’re the kind of person that doesn’t take charity, then don’t take it.

      But frankly, I don’t think that’s a wise financial decision. I’d apply for unemployment in a heartbeat.

      And no one needs to know your personal financial business, including your mother-in-law. (Unless you’re asking her for money, in which case, I would rather have the unemployment than owe a family member something.)

      • E

        I’d barely even consider it charity! Would you consider it charity if your spouse has life insurance, dies, and you go to collect? I consider this similar.

      • anon

        Unemployment is NOT charity. You’ve been paying taxes for unemployment the entire time you’ve been working.

    • E

      Yep, I think you are crazy. Your employer has paid into the unemployment benefit pot via premiums for the duration of your employment for precisely this purpose. Turning down free money is decidedly in the “not economically rational” camp for me… even if it reminds you of the fact that you’re not employed (which yes, unfortunataely has a bit of a stigma, but not taking the money won’t change that).

      • Be Careful

        If you don’t take it now, are you waiving your right to take it later when you “need” it?

        PS: Just take it. You paid into it all those years that your employer was paying you less because part of what it would have paid you was going into the system instead. If you don’t “need” it, invest it.

    • Duckie

      The only reason not to apply for it immediately is if you have reason to believe you will be out of work for some time beyond the maximum number of weeks you can receive unemployment and will be need the money more later than you do now.

      Unemployment is insurance. Not using it is as absurd as failing to present your health insurance card at the hospital and paying the full price for health care yourself.

      • E

        Also irrational in my book. I understand some people have spending problems, but just take the money now and put it away if that’s the case. You might still need it badly if you manage to land a new job with low comp (and are no longer eligible)!

        • Duckie

          That’s a good point. I know some people who put off filing for it for the reason I stated, but since she’s job seeking, you’re right that she wouldn’t be able to file even if she got a lower-paying job and needed the money.

    • kz

      My mother yelled at me when I was considering applying for unemployment and didn’t talk to me for about a week after that. She said as a daughter of a small business owner, I should be ashamed, etc. and so forth.(# of claims can effect the premium rate for what employers pay into the system or something. Quite frankly, I tuned my mother out after she start ranting).

      So yea, there can be a stigma, but only if people know you’re getting unemployment benefits, and that’s really no one’s business. I’d take them.

      In my situation, I hadn’t had the position long enough to qualify, but if I had, I was going to justify it to my mother as I worked for the government, the government is paid for in part by my tax dollars, therefore I was simply paying myself.

        • kz

          yep. But my mother is crazy. It’s usually best if we just don’t discuss anything having to do with politics.

    • anon

      You pay unemployment insurance through the payroll taxes that are withheld from your paycheck, it’s hardly charity.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry to be that tax nerd, but I have to make a minor correction–

        Unemployment and other payroll taxes are assessed on and paid by the employer. They are *not* withheld from your paycheck like income and FICA taxes are.

        Economically speaking, however, the tax is effectively coming out of your paycheck because any tax your employer has to pay on your salary reduces what they are able or willing to pay you. So even though you aren’t technically paying into unemployment, you really have paid for it by receiving lower wages than if the tax didn’t exist. This is probably what you meant, but there’s that little part of me that I can’t shut up that feels the need to clarify procedural points :)

  13. Anon for this

    I need to anonymous brag! My pie in the sky international job search just might be working– I learned today that I have two interviews and maybe a third coming. Europe, here I come!

  14. M in CA

    You guys. I don’t usually do this, but I want to share a new (to me) discovery: I think I’m in love with Dr. Scholl’s For Her (ugh that name) Comfort Insoles. I wear them in flats, heels, whatever, and I *love* them. All my shoes are so much more comfortable now, shoes that I didn’t even wear before. I know they’ve been out for a while, but these insoles are great. If your feet/shins/calves hurt, please buy these. They will put you in a good mood.

    OK. Unpaid advertisement over.

    • Emma

      I tried them, but the ones I got had adhesive on the bottom, which stuck to the sole of my shoe and ruined it when I wanted to take the insoles out (bits of the insoles stuck to the sole). Even if I kept the paper on the adhesive parts, it eventually happened.

      Did yours have adhesive on the bottom?

      • M in CA

        Well, they’re gell-y (not a word, I know) so there’s an adhesive quality to them, but not to the point where it’s stuck to my shoes. That would be annoying and render them much less useful, I agree.

        I’ve been able to remove these and transfer between shoes pretty easily. Maybe we have different ones? Or … maybe mine lost some of the adhesive effect b/c they were sitting in my closet so long before I found them? :)

  15. MelD

    I keep seeing people talk about dream jobs- just wonder how many people out there consider their jobs a “dream job”? Has anyone taken what they thought was a dream job only to be let down? I don’t really have any dream jobs. I have some that I think I’d like to do, but there are several in that category. I’m sure like any other jobs, they’d probably have tasks and politics that were unpleasant, so I wouldn’t consider them to be dream jobs.

    • Bonnie

      I really like my job and do consider it my dream job. Of course, there are unpleasant days but I expected that going in. I don’t think there is such as thing as a job where everything is perfect all the time.

    • anon

      I think I have my “dream job.” To me, that means many things. (for context, I’m an in-house attorney with about 20 years of experience)

      #1, I work for a company that does work I really believe in. What we do makes the world a better place. We make a difference that really matters, in ways that are clear and measurable. Although my contribution to those achievements are indirect and attenuated (because as in-house counsel, I’m in a support role), I do in fact contribute to those end achievements by making sure we’re in compliance with law and regulations and providing good advice to the people who do the front line work.

      #2 – Our work environment and culture are about the best anyone could hope for. Lots of companies say they’re committed to integrity and mutual respect and those kinds of values, but our leaders embody those values every day. People here are uniformly smart, ethical, respectful to each other even in disagreement, and passionately committed to our mission.

      #3 – I earn a generous salary that fairly compensates me for my work. We have good benefits and above-average leave (vacation/sick time) policies. Employees are treated fairly and are valued at all levels of the organization.

      #4 – I feel valued and respected in the workplace. A close family member recently was severely injured in an accident, and I had to take time off without notice. The outpouring of support and concern from my colleagues was amazing. They (including my boss) bluntly told me not to prioritize work, and to make sure to take care of my family and myself, and not to worry about what was going on in the office. Three separate people offered to come to my house to feed my dog, or do anything else that I needed.

      #5 – my work is interesting, challenging, and diverse, and I learn something new almost every day (even though I’ve been practicing law 20+ years). I spend only about half my time doing actual legal work, and the rest of the time advising and counseling.

      #6 – I’ve been very fortunate in my career to work in an variety of settings (large law firm, large and small companies, both for-profit and non-profit), and I know what it’s like to work in both outright lousy and “just OK” work environments, and those past experiences make me appreciate where I am and what I’m doing now all the more.

      #7 – I actually have fun at work.

      • Anonymous

        I work in an international nonprofit, and consider it my dream job for exactly the same reasons that anon at 6:30 posted. And I can’t stress enough that feeling valued and respected and having a healthy work environment and culture are absolutely essential to being happy with your job. Previously I had the job that was my dream job on paper, but in reality it was a stressful hellhole in which staff were treated as fungible. So much happier in my current, healthy workplace.

    • E

      I haven’t used the phrase on here, but I can say that sometimes when I’m looking at a new prospective opportunity I get SO EXCITED just thinking about it!! But I know deep down that if I were to actually go to that job, there is no way I’d be delighted getting up to go to work every morning.

    • Anon

      I have my dream job on paper, but it isn’t as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I like the role I have, but the company I work for is a complete and total dinosaur. There is no innovation. I do not feel valued. I’m glad to hear other people’s success stories because sometimes I wonder how much job satisfaction I can realistically expect in life. It’s good to know that other people to have better work experiences than I do. I want to be in a role that challenges me more. I’ve worked hard to be where I am, but I just feel bored so often at work. Anyways, rant over.

      Wondering if any other people out there started out in dull jobs and worked their way into better ones? How did you find companies that clicked with your values?

      • Anonymous

        I’m the same poster who posted at 12:26am about my nonprofit job. My job started out fairly dull and my org was definitely stuck in its ways. I really wanted to expand my role and do more things, and after building up credibility for a few months, I began to push for that. My boss kept commenting on how creative and innovative I was just for thinking of doing things in a different way – to put it mildly, my boss is not an outside the box thinker. Four years later I have been able to create new projects and put myself in a leadership role, whereas previously my position was only a project support role. My job duties have expanded significantly and I got a new title and big raise.

        I read NGDGTCO, which was invaluable in helping me learn how to speak up, advocate for myself, and push for positive change. Also, I initiated conversations with my colleagues at my level and discovered we were all dissatisfied with the same things. We formed a coalition and were able to push for change with a united front (everything I said in the paragraph above also applies to my colleagues at the same level).

        Hope this helps!

    • Hel-lo

      I don’t really believe in a “dream job.” I think it’s kind of a simplistic view – I’ve had lots of “dream” at one point or another in my life. (At one point, my dream was to be a Broadway star.)

      But as you grow up, you want different things out of a job. Your goals change. It’s like how what you find attractive in a mate changes as you grow up.

      I think I have my dream job now – I just opened my own practice. But I am ok with changing my “dream” if what I want changes.

  16. Research, not Law

    What foundation do y’all like?

    I’m currently using MAC, and haven’t been too happy except with the concealer. I feel like it’s either mask-like (with liquid and powder), oily and slippery (liquid only), or too light and a bit flaky (powder only). Out of frustration, I tried something from Maybelline, but it felt heavy and gross. I know I could go to a make-up counter and try a bunch… but I’m a wimp and always end up buying something I don’t like.

    I just want something that looks and feels natural. Is that too much to ask?

    Bonus points if you can recommend blush, bronzer, or brow color appropriate for a redhead.

      • Liz

        Ditto. Love their tinted SPF moisturizer and two tone concealer. I have major problem skin too. Also like Mac studio fix powder.

      • anon

        Love Laura Mercier. I wear the tinted SPF moisturizer on the weekends and the silk creme foundation (heavier coverage than the tinted moisturizer, but still natural looking) during the week.

    • Anonymous

      Bobbi Brown. Love, love, love. I wear the kind in the square bottle for oily skin, but she has a hydrating one and a light “skin” one (just looks like a slightly corrected version of your skin). Bonus is that it comes in lots of light shades – if you have the “too orange” or “too pink” problem with foundations, you will adore Bobbi.
      Bobbi’s bronzer is fabulous too. Not too orange, but comes in very light, so good for redhead skin.

      • Sara C.

        Second the Bobbi Brown rec. Just today, a coworker commented that my skin was looking fantastic. I don’t usually wear makeup in the office (oh, the horror, I know), and the difference was all thanks to Bobbi.

      • MOR

        I’ve used Bobbi Brown before and really like it, too. Right now, though, I’m using a Clinique light-ish coverage foundation called “Perfectly Real Makeup,” and it is pretty great for 1/2 the price of Bobbi Brown.

    • MelD

      You may want to check out birchbox dot com (not linking to it so it stays out of moderation)- you’ll get about 4 samples each month for $10. When you sign up, you make a profile with your ethnicity, hair color, skintone, beauty style, and beauty concerns and they’ll pick out your products based on those needs. I find there’s usually one great product a month I’d buy in the full size, and the ones I might not buy again usually make great travel size toiletries.

    • Digby

      I’m a redhead with ghostly pale skin and blue eyes. I recently bought Urban Decay Afterglow cream blush in the color Score, and I love it. The color is described on their site as peachy-pink with a golden shimmer or something like that, but I don’t see any shimmer at all – just the most natural-looking blush, in a great texture (some cream blushes can be too greasy/oily, but this feels pleasantly dry going on – which is perfect for my oily-trending skin).

      For eyebrows, I’ve given up – mine are practically invisible. But there’s a website called “just for redheads” that I’ve heard has some good options.

      • Research, not Law

        Yep, I have the invisible eyebrows, too! I’ve had them tinted before and am considering doing it again. The result is far better than cosmetics, but it’s hard to find the right color, and it looks terrible if you don’t keep up with it. (Think leopard eyebrows.)

    • Bonnie

      For eyebrows I swear by Shu Uemura eyebrow gel. It’s not stark, stays on, and the little pot lasts a really long time.

    • Clinique fan

      I’m a redhead too, but you don’t say what your coloring is like or what undertones your skin has. Anyway, I’m pale – nearly alabaster – no freckles, blue/cool undertones, combination skin and occasional breakouts. I don’t use foundation. I use Clinique Superbalanced Powder Makeup in Natural 1, the palest color. For some color on my cheeks, I use Clinique Blushing Brush in Breathless Berry. I don’t even know what brow color is, so I guess I don’t use anything!

    • AnoninDC

      I love Makeup Forever! I either use the liquid foundation or just the powder depending on the level of coverage I’m looking for.

    • D

      Have you tried out all the MAC formulations?
      I really like the Pro-Long wear line because it’s a liquid formula that dries to a powder finish. When I want to thin it out because my skin is semi happy that day, I make my own tinted moisterizer by squeezing a pump of face lotion and mix it all in.

      I’ve heard your problems from the other lines from Mac though..Yuck!

    • Rising 3L

      I love Clinique as well — right now, I’m using Clinique Moisture Surge because it’s lightweight and blends in really well. Because it’s a bit sheer, I use the cheapo Physician’s Formula creme concealer for blemishes and under-eye circles and the two seem to work well together. I tried to use Laura Mercier’s silk creme foundation because the coverage was good, but I found it gave me a sort of pasty, “Hey, I’m wearing makeup!” sort of sheen regardless of how sheer I tried to apply it.

      If you’re fair (as I am), Laura Mercier’s bonzers are really good because they don’t look orange (Physician’s Formula makes a lovely one for about half the price too). For blush, I’d shoot for something peachy. I love cream blushes and Stila’s Convertible Color (peony or gerbera) is a great formula that’s super easy to apply.

    • manoavalleygirl

      Kevin Aucoin, available in my jurisdiction by e-mail only. Sephora no longer carries it in Hawaii. It provides medium coverage, and it makes your skin appear flawless. It comes in a pump canister. I pump a little into my palm then wipe it up with a sponge and apply it that way. Covers my rosecea, evens out my coloring, and my pores are not as noticeable. I’m extremely fair and all of life’s slings and arrows and dings, and remains of former pimples remain on my skin. Forever. A tint is just not enough.

      My back-up is Bobbi Brown, stick. Has a yellowish tinge, which is surprisingly flattering. I don’t leave my house without foundation. . . for me it makes a huge difference.

      Good luck with your search.

    • Sanz

      I picture her 20 years from now as the crazy hardcore partner that makes life a living heck for her associates, forcing them to miss vacations and other life events. I hope that is not the case.

      • Duckie

        Disagree. Can you imagine skipping the bar exam despite having put months into studying, and then having to study for February with a newborn at home? I’d have done the same thing. Otherwise it’s like the last 2 months of your life down the drain, and you have to repeat the studying hell. She can’t lose anything by trying, and maybe she’ll pass and won’t have to do it again.

    • Research, not Law

      Discuss? I’m speechless!

      I have been in labor, and talking on the telephone was more than I could handle.

      • Kate

        I know her from law school, and she is lovely. I have no concerns at all about her becoming a nightmare boss.

    • Another Sarah

      One of my friends was in labor for HOURS at home before she went to the hospital. She said that everyone told her that contractions are supposed to be really painful when you go into labor, and she said that hers really weren’t, so she didn’t go until they got bad. She has a pretty high tolerance for pain. So she may have just been one of those people who has a higher tolerance. And, having taken the barzam while in crazy pain, I can say that when you’re focused enough, you don’t feel it.

      • Bar Studier

        All I can think about is the 3,999 other people in that bar administration, forced to listen to her panting and grunting. It seems extremely selfish to put others through that!

        • Anonymous

          On the off chance this isn’t a troll – I very much doubt she was panting and grunting. As everyone else above you has posted, in between active contractions, labor is not painful, and since the bar exam is in 90-minute sections she could easily have been in between contractions for most of the time she was actually writing. Plus, the IL bar is held in small classrooms, with 30 people tops per room. Besides, would you think someone with a cough is selfish if he doesn’t throw away months of study so he won’t disturb a few others?

          On second thought, I’m basically sure this was a troll.

          • Bar Studier

            Not a troll, and I think that was a too-hasty jump to trolldom! Yes, I would think that someone with an uncontrolled cough should think of others in the room. First, my bar exam wasn’t in 90 minute increments and since this was the MBE day, I’m quite certain that hers wasn’t either. Second, who has contractions every 90 minutes? Third, fine, then I feel extremely bad for the other 29 people in her room.

      • GovtMom

        FWIW — I labored for 27+ hours *after* my water broke with my first kiddo. I wasn’t in crazy pain (no meds). What really got me was the exhaustion of being up for so long, not pain. Each woman’s labor is different. She may truly not have had painful contractions — obviously, she managed to get through the bar exam. :-)

    • M

      I’m really pleased that in the past day or so since ATL posted this story, a lot of commenters/working moms came out of the woodwork to defend against the endless ATL-troll-hate.

  19. Fiona

    Does anyone have suggestions on a good introduction to banking book? I’m a lawyer, and I’m staffed on a case that involves complicated banking and accounting issues. I have zero banking background so a lot of this is completely foreign to me. Any suggestions? Is there a “Banking in a Nutshell” book out there that you’d recommend? TIA!

    • Jennifer

      What kind of banking and accounting issues? Government regulations or compliance guidelines can be found online, or if it is more basic accounting issues, I would look at the course descriptions and see if anything looks familiar, and contact the professors of those classes for recommendations of books or articles on the subject.

  20. anon

    Another wedding question, but I don’t want to post it on a wedding forum because I’m not on who has been dreaming of her wedding since she was a child and am resisting the whole pressure of “bigger wedding is better.”

    I have tried on exactly one wedding dress, and am considering buying it. Is this insane? I’ve liked a particular designer at my favorite vacation destination for years, and she makes a unique wedding dress. It’s not all white, and has elements of style and fabric from another culture which I’m connected to. It definitely comes across as a _____-American dress, not something you’d find at a bridal salon.

    I haven’t been to a bridal salon yet, but this designer makes only a few dresses a year, and they are custom. She is running low on inventory, so I basically need to decide ASAP. If I buy her dress, then I wouldn’t be able to go to a “normal” bridal store and try on “traditional” dresses… except I’m pretty sure I don’t want that. But how do I know I don’t want that if I’ve never tried it? Has anyone ever tried on only one dress? Has anyone had a wedding dress that’s not all white? Am I crazy?

    • beccavt

      It depends on the kind of person (and shopper) you are. When you buy other things on impulses, do you regret them quickly? Do you remember missed opportunities and agonize them? If you do, do yourself a favor and shop around. If you don’t, and you genuinely love the dress, buy it. It sounds like this particular dress is unique to your personality, which is a bonus, especially since you haven’t been dreaming of your fairy tale wedding forever and therefore not as likely to compare your dress to more traditional/classic dresses.

      Additionally, if you do buy it and truly end up hating it, you still *can* go dress shopping again and buy another one. You’ll lose out on some $, but if it ends up being super important to you and your big day, that option is still there, and maybe you’ll be able to recoup some of your loss by selling the unique dress online.

      • Research, not Law

        Ditto. Particularly thinking about what kind of shopper you are.

        Although, it sounds like you’ve admired this designer for a while, so you aren’t exactly making a brash decision.

    • Accountress

      Randy, from “Say Yes to the Dress,” says that when women come into Kleinfeld, something like 85% get the first dress they try on (this was in an episode where a woman loved the first dress she tried on, and her group made her keep trying things on because they said she shouldn’t fall in love with the first one.)

      One episode had a young lady order a dress that she tried on in white, and they dyed it the most amazing shade of red. I’ve seen lovely dresses in shades of ivory.

      But forget TV. Do you love the dress? You say you like the designer- do you trust her to make a dress you will look good in? Can you talk to her about how it will fit and move?

      If you love it and trust her and feel good about how she says it will fit and move- you’re not crazy and you’re going to be pleased and lovely on your wedding day.

    • Jr. Prof

      If you love the dress and it flatters you and it fits with the style that you envision for your wedding, go for it.

      I tried on a ton of dresses and HATED all of them. Then my SIL and I simultaneously found a magazine photo of a dress that would suit me. I looked up the designer, found out what SF stores carried that brand, called the store to see if they had ‘my’ dress, tried it on, and was done. Just like guys when you know, you know. (Not like I got all gushy about my wedding dress, but it was the only one I tried on that was remotely my style, after trooping to dozens of salons.) The bridal salon experience is really not *all that,* and one frankly, I could’ve done without. If you love the dress, you can save yourself tons on time & hassle by getting it now.

    • Duckie

      Many of my friends have bought the first dress they tried on. If you love it, go for it! You’ll regret it if it sells out.

    • Lucy

      I didn’t try on a single dress – I had mine made from a pattern a friend had used for a prom dress (it was super simple, in the era of butt bows and crap all over gowns). I guess I also had a vintage dress I’d picked up at a thrift store and showed that to my seamstress. She added some lovely touches and it was perfect.

      So IMO – if you know that you love this dress, buy it.

    • anon

      I bought and wore a pink tea-length dress overlaid with lace that I got at Dillards for $30 on the sale rack. I loved it and got tons of compliments on it. Obviously we didn’t have a formal wedding, but the point is, if this is what you want, if it’s “you,” get it. I did go and try on some big white formal dresses after I bought the pink one, and didn’t like that look at all, it just wasn’t me. Don’t feel like you have to wear the traditional dress if that’ s not who you are.

    • Anon

      When I was planning my wedding, I looked at the dresses on the J.Crew website, saw the Sophia dress (very very simple ivory silk, $300), bought it and said done. Friends were appalled. Never regretted the decision for a moment – the dress is “me”. Sounds like you have the same thing with your dress – don’t second guess it.

  21. Accountress

    As a pig collector, this ring is the most amazing thing I have ever seen on this site. And I’ve seen some pretty amazing things here.

  22. Asst Prof

    I’ll be having my picture taken soon at my conservative workplace. I imagine they’ll use the picture for many years so I’ve decided to wear a plain shell (short sleeves or sleeveless) under my suit without any embellishments, pleats, darts, ruffles, etc. in case all of that goes out of style within the next decade. It seems as though I’ve looked everywhere to find something plain and simple in a pretty color against my skintone (preferably red, but a saturated purple, blue, or teal would be nice too). Any ideas on where to look? I’ve checked out Macy’s, The Limited, Brooks Brothers, JCrew, JCP, Kohl’s, NY&CO, Sears, Talbots, Banana Republic, Kenneth Cole, H&M, Ralph Lauren, the list goes on! Where am I overlooking?

    • Scientista

      There’s a silk shell (technically a tank) at Nordstrom’s (item 365304) that might work for you. It has tiny gathers at the neck, but nothing I could imagine being outdated in a decade, and the “mallard” and “berry” colors sound like good colors.

    • Duckie

      Ann Taylor currently has several choices that fit your description, look online.

    • kz

      LL Bean Signature usually has at least 1 plain silk tank or short-sleeve t-shirt, so maybe check there. I’ve never bought anything, but they always look good.

  23. Anon (cause someone stole my identity)

    Lovely Corporettes,

    I have a problem and could use your collective wisdom. Got home from work today to a mailbox filled with several new credit cards and verizon statements. Obviously, someone has my SSN/DOB and is using it to open up all kinds of stuff. I’ve done the major things like close the accounts, file a police report, and contact Experian (and the others) to put a fraud alert on my account. Any thing else I should be sure to do?

    Thank!

    • meara

      No idea if you can figure out who is doing it or how they got your information…but double check that you aren’t leaving it around (work? housekeeper? babysitter?), you’re shredding stuff, etc.

    • AT

      Check out privacyrights dot org. They have a wealth of information, but more specifically, they have a fact sheet “Identity Theft: What to do if it happens to you” that might be helpful. I will post that link separately in case there are mod probs. Good luck!

      • AT

        Here’s the link to the fact sheet: https://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs17a.htm

        For what it’s worth, someone stole my credit card info years ago, and since then I’ve had an alert on my account. It is a little inconvenient, as I usually can’t get instantly qualified if I want to apply for a store credit card in store , for example. They have to call in, and someone has to talk to me and make me answer security questions, and even then they usually have to do a formal application (all to ensure that it’s really ME requesting the credit). But the inconvenience is worth the security in my view.

    • Anon

      If you have homeowner’s or renter’s insurance, some policies cover identity theft so you might want to check.

    • Anon

      You should do more than a fraud alert with the credit bureaus like Experian. Do a credit freeze – this means that nobody can get credit in your name. You’ll have to jump through some hoops when you want to open a new card etc., but it is so worth it. If you know for sure that someone has your SSN/DOB, then a fraud alert is not sufficient. Next you may also want to make sure nobody forwards your mail via the post office. A friend of mine had her identity stolen, and the worst part was when her mail was rerouted. All the credit cards etc obtained by the fraudster then went directly to the fraudster. Sorry to hear this happened to you.

  24. Anon (cause someone stole my identity)

    Trying again…

    Lovely Corporettes,
    I have a problem and could use your collective wisdom. Got home from work today to a mailbox filled with several new credit cards and verizon statements. Obviously, someone has my SSN/DOB and is using it to open up all kinds of stuff. I’ve done the major things like close the accounts, file a police report, and contact Experian (and the others) to put a fraud alert on my account. Anything else I should be sure to do?
    Thanks!

    • cbackson

      You can actually freeze your credit, so that a new account can’t be opened without additional authorization/verification. I’d do that.

  25. Scientista

    Hello Corporettes! I’m hoping to get some advice on corporate social interactions.

    Background: I work at a large pharma company and am moving up the ladder, but I’ve realized that I miss out on benefiting from networking events as a result of some paralyzing social anxiety. I’m totally comfortable presenting to large groups and have no trouble with small group discussions, but when our whole lobby is full of people (>75) and the “goal” is just to make small talk and meet folks… ::shudder:: I end up hiding in a corner, staring at my drink, hoping nobody talks to me.

    I know this is important for my career, and I’ve tried a mess of things to get better at it (set an objective to just talk to one new person, come to the event with another person, etc) and nothing’s really worked. I’m generally a friendly, outgoing person, so I feel like this should come a bit more naturally.

    Any ideas?

    • Nita47

      I think you’re on the right track with setting objectives. To conquer an aversion to small talk, try asking (as opposed to answering) questions. Your questions should be those that don’t lead to a yes-or-no answer. You can start with something like “what brings you here tonight?” and move on from there. Ask another question about whatever answer you get (“how do you like working at X?”), and keep doing that. You’ll either find topics of real interest to talk about, or else just get used to talking with strangers.

    • Kitty

      Have you considered meeting with a career coach? A colleague of mine in the DC area went to a workshop on networking in DC and highly recommended the career coach who led it. It addressed the social anxiety/fear of small talk issue. If you’re in the DC area I can find out the name of the coach and get back to you.

      I’m pretty introverted and have a hard time with small talk too, but I can force myself to do it. It’s just acting. I have read that Ronald Reagan was a serious introvert, and he was known as the Great Communicator (and, of course, he was a professional actor before entering politics). Knowing and understanding your personality type (I like Myers-Briggs the best but there are other tests and philosophies out there) may help you find strategies to address this issue.

      But introversion isn’t the same as social anxiety, so you may not be able to act your way through it like I can. Therefore, I would also suggest a few sessions with a cognitive behavior therapist – they are therapists specialized in helping people overcome specific behaviors that cause problems for them. Most health insurance covers therapy, so it may not cost you a dime.

      • Scientista

        Good ideas, both – thanks. (And Kitty, I’m not in DC, but thanks for the recommendation.)

    • anon

      If it helps, you’re not alone. Lots of people have this type of issue. I have a social persona that I don’t feel like is totally me. I pretend I’m playing a role of someone who can make smalltalk and is friendly and somewhat outgoing.

    • A

      I know this sounds a little crazy, but what about pretending you’re an actor playing the role of social/professional/networking? Sometimes when I’m really nervous about something at work doing that helps me detach and just play the part for 45 minutes.

  26. A.

    Need some help, and hope someone has had a similar experience and has some advice for me.

    We had an opportunity for a promotion to a management position in my department come up earlier this month. Very quickly after the opening was announced, a young (24, one year out of grad school) employee made it well-known she was VERY interested in the job and was going to go all out to get it. She is a very smart person and talented, but the job is a complex one and mission-critical for the department. There was another candidate who emerged who was more than qualified for the job, and would be able to take on the responsibilities with little-to-no ramp-up time. Plus, we had some senior employees who expressed both doubt that the younger employee could handle the job, and doubts that they could work with her constructively, as she’s known around the department for being somewhat haughty and bossy when she’s in charge of something. (I attribute that to simple immaturity; to be frank, I was much the same way at her age.)

    Today, we awarded the position to the more-experienced employee. In telling the younger employee she was not selected, we made her an offer of a placement in our next leadership development class, which starts in January. Normally she would have to wait another two years to even be considered for the class, but we felt she had some great characteristics and ideas that emerged in her interviews for the management position. Well, you would have thought we would have told her we had just killed her dog. She had a tantrum – literally, was yelling and crying – and then picked up her purse, announced dramatically that she would “have to think about it, and also whether or not I still want to work here,” and stormed out.

    My boss, who was party to all this, basically wants me to either discipline or fire this girl when she comes back in on Monday. I think she still has potential and don’t want to, but I am also pretty amazed at the blatant sense of entitlement and the poor emotional control she displayed. I kind of think this is an opportunity to do some career/life advisement, but don’t know if that is advisable, or if it would be listened to? The offer that was made to her was a good one, better than she realizes. It wasn’t the one she wanted, but it’s still good and it will help her advance faster. With someone like this, is it worth trying to explain that? For the younger women on the board, any advice on how to approach this situation?

    • Anne Shirley

      Fire her. There are times to teach, and there are times you get taught a life lesson. If she had seemed disappointed, or somehow ungracious, I’d give her another chance, but yelling? No.

      • Duckie

        I have been in a similar situation with an employee exactly the same age, and I hate to say it, but I agree. If you don’t fire her, she’ll think her fit was justified and continue feeling entitled. At the very least, I’d put her on formal probation and withdraw the offer for the leadership program, because she’s clearly not leadership material at this point. But frankly, if you did that, I think you’d just be stuck with a petulant, bitter employee who just phones it in.

        You already tried to do some career/life advisement, and she threw it back in your face and stormed out. If she gets fired, it’ll be a wake-up call and hopefully she’ll learn from it.

        • Duckie

          Also, that 24 year old, straight from college to master’s programl to first full-time job life path seems to produce this kind of sense of entitlement – they’ve always been praised for everything and gotten As in school so they think they’re much more experienced than they are. I always advise undergrads to work before getting a master’s. Those two or three years in the real world are invaluable; you learn a good work ethic and how to play office politics, and once you get your master’s, you have some actual experience to back it up.

    • Bonnie

      She certainly should not be rewarded for her behavior with the course. Unless she apologizes profusely Monday morning, she should be fired. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

    • beccavt

      I don’t think that kind of behavior can be reasoned away. Maybe being bossy or haughty is something she will grow out of, but I wouldn’t chalk the tantrum up to her age – as someone who is younger than her, I am appalled. I don’t think that kind of reaction should be tolerated (much less encouraged by rewarding her, even if she doesn’t realize she’s getting a reward) from someone who is more than say, 7. It’s probably good for her to hear all of your advice and “feedback,” but maybe it would be the weightiest in the context of a termination speech. Even then, she’ll probably just rationalize it down to her being a victim and you a bully. Again, people like this cannot be reasoned with.

      Think of it this way – if she were allowed to stay, what would her future look like in a company where it sounds like all of the senior decision makers are completely disillusioned and irritated with her? That wouldn’t make her happy, and it certainly wouldn’t do your workplace any favors.

      • CDN Anon

        She may now just be using the firm until she gets a better offer. Or she may be passive-aggressive with her work.

        Too much damage done, there’s no coming back from this. Do what’s best for the firm. Offer to write a reference letter if it makes you feel better.

    • MeH

      She is better off leaving….she will always be the girl who threw a fit. She can use the potential at a new opportunity!

    • Another Sarah

      Eeeehhh…maybe see if she comes to apologize on Monday. Everyone needs to learn that their higher degree does not equal automatic entitlement to everything life has to offer at some point. If this is her first “real” job (as she’s 24, a year out of grad school, I’m assuming she went straight through), then she probably doesn’t have the life experience to realize this. I also don’t think she would realize that she would be fired as a result of how she acted. But if she seems honestly apologetic, I think it’s perfectly appropriate to say that in any other circumstance her insubordination would be cause for firing her, but as she showed a lot of promise you’ll let her make it up to your supervisors who want her gone. Everyone needs a good grovelling every once in a while.

      But if she’s still an entitled little &$($*$&, then cut ‘er loose.

    • Also 20 something

      I’m 25, and I can be pretty high-strung sometimes, but I would NEVER throw a fit at my office, to my superiors. This isn’t something she’ll grow out of until she’s had a little sense knocked into her. I think my last “fit” was when I was 19 or 20, and even then, I took it outside and called my dad to vent, and he basically told me that I needed to grow up and that being an adult isn’t always fair. There are plenty of mid-20s employees that don’t act like this. The bossy/arrogant mentality might be a sign of immaturity, but the tantrums are much bigger issue.

    • anonymous 20 something

      I’m in the same demographic and find the story appalling. Please fire her. There are lots of talented women out of grad schoon in their mid 20’s who act appropriately. If you don’t fire her, you are sending the wrong message to her and a really defeating indirect message to any other young people you have in your organization who don’t try to employ such tactics to get ahead. I’ve mentored entitled, ungrateful, and unqualified undergrads before. Please don’t waste your mentoring-mojo on someone so undeserving.

      There’s a possibility that she’s immature enough to come in on Monday in a huff and try to announce that she’s leaving first. I would make it clear to her that the decision to fire her happened on Friday, and she is really truly fired. Hopefully you and your boss will find a more Corporette-minded replacement :)

    • MelD

      I think I’d give her until the end of the day Monday to apologize and then fire her first thing Tuesday. If she recognizes her behavior was inappropriate, she’ll be horrified and try to apologize as soon as possible. Otherwise, I don’t really think there is any point trying to give her advice/counseling. She’s just going to have a bad attitude indefinitely and that’s not someone who is going to make great management material.

      If she does apologize, I think that would be a good time to advise her. Perhaps there was some underlying issue that helped precipitate the tantrum, and it would be good to figure out what that was.

    • Divaliscious11

      She’d have to go. Frankly accommodating her by placing her in the leadership class would likely encourage the sense of entitlement. If I really thought she deserved the placement, I still would have waited a year – still an early admit but not in lieu of a promotion she didn’t earn/deserve.

    • Canadian

      I’m in the mid-twenty something category and I would never–NEVER–talk to a senior employee (or any employee for that matter) in the way that this girl acted. I agree with the others that her behaviour shows that she has a sense of entitlement (likely for the reasons cited by others), but it also shows that she is impulsive and lacks self-control and/or prudence. You would think that if she fancies herself to be management material she would do her best to come across as being on the same level of rationality and poise as the senior people in the office, but clearly that isn’t the case.

      She needs to learn a life lesson I’m afraid. I would draft up a termination letter over the weekend and hand it to her first thing on Monday morning. In the letter you could basically state your previous belief in her abilities, but advise her that her behaviour has revealed her to be disrespectful, short-sighted and generally a bad fit for the company. By putting this all of these things in writing you (1) cover your butt so that she can’t later try to go over your head and claim that she wasn’t really fired or that she was mistreated, etc.; and (2) you ensure that hopefully when she comes to her senses she can re-read the letter and learn from her mistakes.

      Good luck on Monday–it’s never easy dealing with someone who has failed to meet expectations and been a disappointment.

    • A.

      Thanks, everyone, for sharing your advice/thoughts.
      My boss and I had a conference call with our HR business partner this morning, and everyone is in agreement this young lady needs to go. We’re pretty anxious about what kind of message keeping her on would send. We have a lot of employees who have been passed over for promotion, loaded up with extra responsibilities, lost coworkers to RIFs, etc. and they have handled it without melting down. I had a soft spot for this person – it happens, she seemed so, so smart and motivated – but I can’t let that get in the way of making the decision I know is right. If one of our senior employees acted like this, we would most likely let them go too, and this girl doesn’t deserve special treatment. The HR person and I will call her in on Monday morning when she comes in and let her go. Thanks for giving me advice so I could think things through.

      • MelD

        Best of luck- and please give us an update on how it goes. Something tells me she’ll have another tantrum, so maybe you should have a second person in with you when you let her go? She just seems like the type who could go overboard and start making up stories.

        • A.

          Yes, we’re planning for that eventuality by having myself, the HR person, and the HR person’s boss in the room. HR is having security stand by for a call in case they’re needed. Which I sincerely hope they are not. I am actually hoping that maybe we will come in to a resignation email tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.

    • Michelle

      I’m against the tide here, but I think with all the potential etc you saw in her, one massively inappropriate immature tantrum is certainly grounds for disciplinary action (which can lead to termination if there is any similar recurrence), but firing outright is too harsh. I would, however, sternly discipline including telling her termination is on the table, ask her if she wants to commit to the firm and get past this, and hold off on the leadership course until she proves her ability to learn from this. (I would be sure to I Clyde how her leadership skills are perceived by others as that is an issue) And, if something similar happens, she’s been officially (and documentably) warned.

  27. Anonym

    what is a normal number of drinks in a business environment versus a casual environment? thanks!!

    • Bonnie

      These days I stick to no more than a drink per hour with a big glass of water between each drink and food in my stomach.

    • Hel-lo

      In my 20s, I would drink more than 2 regularly with co-workers (and other students when I was in law school). Sometimes our 4pm Happy Hours would turn into evenings out, which turned into us closing down the bar. That’s what a bunch of 20-something single litigators do.

      But in my 30s, it’s more like 1 drink max per hour at a business event, and often I drink one, and then get a soda with lime or something. I rarely drink more than 2 at any event now.

      Being drunk feels different now, and the hangovers last so much longer. (Ugh.)

  28. Sweet as Soda Pop

    I just want to say thanks to the Corporettes who recommended Pirates vs. Zombies on the iPad thread earlier this week. I am officially addicted.

  29. Lu

    Hopefully I have someone to commiserate with here and am not the worst bride in the world! I got married a few weeks ago an had a really great time…all of my friends and family together, staying at a nearby hotel, great music, VERY attentive bar staff taking care of the bride (everyone else too, but I never had a glass less than half full! Hopefully a sign of an optimistic marriage, no?) Both sets of parents are still carrying on about how much fun they had, and my college friends had lots of fun, too. In listening to the renditions of their favorite parts and seeing some of the pictures, I realize that I DONT REMEMBER parts of my own weddding (I remember all of the wedding traditions and the professional photos are pretty–the concern is end of the reception) although it seems like I was behaving! WTF….I don’t do things like this! (at least not since I was 19 or post-bar exam!)

    I am so freaking embarrassed! I feel like this is very Bravo TV behavior. My sister assures me that I was fine and told me that the same thing happened at
    her wedding, but I still feel ridiculous. The husband finds this all very hilarious
    and wonders why I even care about it.

    Any other tipsy brides/stories to make me feel less “real housewives?”

    • Another Sarah

      It may not be a “tipsy” thing. My friends who have gotten married and who didn’t drink at all that day say that the day went by so quickly they don’t remember parts of it. You had a hugely important loooong day, and you were probably exhausted by the end of it. It’s perfectly normal that you don’t remember it all. Don’t worry about it! :-D

    • Scientista

      I didn’t have anything to drink at my wedding (too busy talking, eating, dancing, etc) and I only remember vague snippets of the whole day. I’m betting you weren’t as tipsy as you think.

      OTOH, I have a friend who got *wrecked* at her own wedding but everyone thought she was having a wonderful time & thought nothing of it.

    • Duckie

      Maybe all my friends are lushes, but I can’t think of a single wedding I’ve been to where the bride and groom didn’t get sloshed. Usually the bride has been too nervous to eat all day, and people keep refilling her glass. I also have had friends (more than one) who danced the night away at their own weddings, and then hit the bars to celebrate further, while still wearing their wedding dresses. It’s your wedding! You’re supposed to party.

    • Jr. Prof

      I remember only snippets of my wedding two years ago, even though I tried hard to stay grounded and present, and even though I didn’t drink that much (more water to keep my throat from getting parched while socializing with everyone). I think your is a common experience with weddings.

    • ECMD

      I was four months pregnant at my wedding (ha!) so consequently only had one champagne cocktail and still have huge gaps in my memory of it. It’s totally crazy intense. Cut yourself some slack.

    • Hel-lo

      And who cares if you are “the worst bride ever.” If you had fun, and are now happy to be married to someone you love, what else do you need?

      I’m not trying to be flip. But your wedding day should be the one day you can let embarrassment go. Everyone will forgive you. It was your day.

  30. Elysian

    I’m going into my 2L year at law school and am currently staring the OCI beast in the face. My main interview suit right now is from Ann Taylor, the tropical wool black, and I have the jacket and the skirt. Considering the number of interviews I’ll be doing soon, I wanted to pick up pants to go with it so I can mix it up if I want to. I know they’re having a sale on suiting right now, but I don’t really need 2 things, and the pants are 138$ not on sale. I just don’t want to pay that much. How bad would it be if I just picked up another pair of less expensive black pants to wear with the jacket? Do you think people would notice? I would think that basic black is basic black all around.

    • MelD

      Yes, people will notice. Basic black is not basic black, as fabric content, weight, and color will vary from one pair of black pants to another. You could pull it off if the jacket had a pattern on it, but if they’re both plain black, forget it.

      If you’re not into spending that much on one item, you can probably get a full suit at Ann Taylor outlet for about the same price as those pants. Every time I’ve gone, there are usually 1-2 basic interview suits available. Typically you can get 3 pieces for $200.

      • Reader

        I agree, especially for an interview. I was once in a government legal office and a lawyer walked in wearing a mismatched jacket and skirt. Her colleague complimented her on her “suit.” I didn’t say anything, but it was clear that both pieces, though both black, did not go together.

        Admittedly, I never had too much selection because of the limited offerings for petites, but when I used to buy work suits, I would often buy a Tahari or Anne Klein II jacket in black or navy, and matching separates: One or two sheath dresses, a couple of skirts and maybe a pair of pants. If you buy from the same line, there’s a CHANCE that the fabrics will be sufficiently similar from year to year to get away with matching. But not for an interview.

    • Duckie

      Don’t do it – it’s nearly impossible to match blacks, and it’s important to wear an actual suit – i.e. jacket and bottom cut from the same cloth – for something as formal as an interview. And actually, I would not recommend picking up a new pair of pants to match the already-worn jacket. One piece will be more faded/worn than the other. This is why people recommend that you get all pieces of a suit cleaned at the same time, even if only one piece is truly dirty.

      I’d suggest picking up a complete suit in another color – gray, navy, or pinstripes would be traditional interview colors. If you don’t want to pay for AT, try looking at Filene’s or a similar store – they often have very nice suits by Calvin Klein, Tahari ASL, Jones New York, and others.

    • Mere

      Take a look at the items on sale. AT is currently running a promotion for 50% off all sale items. The last time I browsed the sale, I saw some of the tropical wool pants on sale. I picked up a pair for $30 (originally $128). If you can’t find any on sale, I would pay full price. Also- if you show your student ID, you get 20% off full price items.

  31. Louise

    Question for the hivemind: I’m looking for ideas on what to give my niece for her 16th birthday. She just got her driver’s license, but will not have her own car. She’ll be occasionally driving the family minivan. I was thinking that something related to driving would be fun, but I’m drawing a complete blank.

    I’ve given her jewelry in the past, but would rather not do that this year. I won’t be visiting her for another 4-5 months, so a “shared experience” gift won’t work. The gift needs to be mailed, so preferably would not weigh 100 lbs. I’m willing to spend between $100 and $300.

    Other (possibly) helpful details: she lives in California, is very athletic, and is a good student and is generally an innocent, sweet and naive young lady. She is also less than 5 ft tall, and rather self-conscious of the fact. Petite Corporetters can perhaps offer clothing suggestions?

    Usually I have no trouble finding gifts for either of my two beloved nieces, but this heat must have melted my brain…

    • anonymous

      Here’s an off-beat idea: Why not give the gift of a session with a stylist or a figure consultant? I’m short (5′ 2″), petite, pear shaped and for years I struggled with how to find clothing that fit me. I also hate high heels. They’re bad for the body and I actually don’t have a problem with my height. But I also have problems finding shoes.

      I’m mature now, have been learning how to sew, and it’s only now that I’m developing a more sophisticated understanding of my (changing) shape — there’s no point in sewing things that don’t fit and flatter. It’s surprisingly complex, because no one is just a pear or an apple, etc. If earlier in life I’d gotten an objective analysis from someone with my taste and who understood my lifestyle, it might have saved me a lot of time, money and frustration.

      A local person might be better, because s/he might have information on things like tailors who can do alterations, the best time for sales at the stores, flea markets and secondhand shops, but here’s a link to an Australian stylist I’ve thought of consulting. I imagine you email her photos and a questionnaire.

      http://www.insideoutstyleblog.com.au/

      I read about this image consultant below. It’s a sewing blog written by a Maryland woman, who’s really into fitting issues. She included the analysis provided by the consultant, which included a chart showing how the author’s proportions compared with those of the “ideal” figure, with suggestions on necklines, hem lengths, etc.

      http://alittlesewing.blogspot.com/2010/02/body-proportions-its-complicated.html

      BTW, I know neither the stylist nor the blog author; I assume the info is current.

      If you decide on such a present, you should make sure your niece goes to someone with the right values, that is, someone who sees fashion and style as a way to enhance the self on the way to better things, not as an end-all and be-all. That’s especially important for a 16-year-old.

    • Duckie

      AAA membership if her parents havent’ added her to theirs? Not fun, per se, but it’s absolutely invaluable – I guarantee you she will use it! Since it’s affordable you could keep paying for it until she finishes college.

    • ML

      A kindle? If she loves to read, a kindle is a great gift that she can keep for years, and provides later gifts to give- xmas, bdays, etc.- just add books.

      an ipod?

      A nice purse/bag? She may not be into something all classic like a DB, but what about a fun Lesportsac tote? I just bought one for around $100.

      Along those lines, luggage is great to get as a gift- does she have a nice quality, attractive carry on? If she’s traveling to visit colleges her junior year or attending school trips it might come in handy.

      • another anon

        Introductory flying lesson? A few laps at a race track in a fast car? Defensive driving lesson? Cool new suitcase and plane tickets somewhere?

    • Scully

      Trying to channel my inner 16 year old:

      Digital camera if she doesn’t have one or has an old one.
      iPod/mp3 player if she doesn’t have one or has an old one.
      Driving gift basket- GPS, AAA membership, gift card for gas, iTunes/Amazon gift card for driving music, key chain, tree air freshener for laughs, etc…
      Movie theatre gift certificates so she can go see a movie with friends
      Athleta gift certificate
      Offer to pay for a prom/homecoming dress?

    • p

      Maybe a tiffany key necklace?
      pay for a sports camp?
      take to a show and dinner?

    • Louise

      I’m bookmarking this to come back for other birthdays and holidays.

      I’ve decided to go with the iPod and music idea, thanks Scully. When I double checked with her mother about whether they had an iPod docking device for the car, she told me that my niece had missed the deadline to get her permit in time to then get her license by her birthday. So I’ll hold off on car-related stuff until Channukah.

      I really like the image consultant idea, and will save that for later when I can be there and more involved. Lots of great stuff here, you ladies are awesome. Thanks again!

      • Seattleite

        Louise, if her cell phone doesn’t have a GPS/nav system, I suggest a portable GPS. I bought my new driver one (Tom-Tom) for Christmas, and the peace of mind it has provided for both teen and parent has been priceless.

    • Another Sarah

      Has she ever had a facial, massage, or mani/pedi? If not, a few spa treatments might be nice. I know a bunch of spas have specifically teenage facials, where the esthetician will explain everything that’s being done, what it will help, etc.

  32. newbie

    I need to invest in better bags and shoes.

    I’m looking for a quality work bag for under $200. Nothing fancy, don’t care about whether it’s designer, but bonus points if it’s well-made. I’d like something with accessible pockets, so I can easily access my cell phone, Metrocard, a small wallet, keys, etc. It has to be large and sturdy enough to carry a 15″ laptop, work pumps, lunch, a water bottle, and a book. Any suggestions?

    I am also on the hunt for the work flats, because I’ve been wearing heels every single day, and would like to give my feet an occasional break. I’m picky about shoes, because I like them to have a leather lining and a leather exterior. I also don’t like the ballet flat look for work, because they’re usually either too girly for me or look like slippers. I’ve considered loafers, and have seen a lot of older professional women wearing them–but if men don’t usually wear loafers to work, are they also too informal for women? What are other options? What is your favorite work flat? I’m looking for something under $150.

    Thanks!

    • kz

      I just bought a pair of Cole Haan Air Olivia flats from endless.com (I’ll let you search instead of linking so this doesn’t get stuck in moderation) on sale for about $85 and so far they’re fabulous. They’re ballet flats with a buckle, and much cuter in person than the picture suggests, in my opinion. I think they’re the first pair of work shoes I have that hasn’t given me blisters on the first few days (I also ordered a narrow because medium was sold out, so perhaps I really just need to always buy narrow). Endless is a little low on sizes since they’re on sale, but check zappos and 6pm.com, as well to see if they have some. I think they’re about $150 full price.

      • kz

        oh, and since they have the buckle on the front, they avoid the “true” ballet flat look, and I think it makes it look more work-appropriate than simple ballet flats

    • Duckie

      Try the Ecco Bouillon. It’s a really classic flat, and really comfortable. It runs around $100. You may also like other Ecco styles, or Clark’s – my favorite flats and my favorite wedges are both Clark’s.

      For bags, I love Cole Haan. Cole Haan bags always have tons of pockets and a keychain clip, making it very easy to stay super organized. I haven’t another designer whose bags are quite so user-friendly. Plus, they’re beautiful.

    • newbie

      Thanks for the recommendations! I like the ballet flats with buckles, and I’ll look into Fossil and Cole Haan bags.

      • newbie

        H&M, Zara, TopShop, Forever21…. I like dressing trendy when going out, so I don’t spend too much. I splurge a bit on heels, though.

  34. another anon

    Update on a few items discussed here recently:

    (1) The orange AT skirt with the zipper on the side. Another commenter mentioned they wanted it the other day, but it is sold out on the website. I found it in the store today–the only one left, and it just happened to be my size! So definitely still worth looking in the store.

    (2) The BR suit with the flower embellishment. Tried it on today. Yes, the flower embellishment comes off–it is fastened on with a safety pin. However, I wasn’t a big fan of the suit on me, so I didn’t buy it.

    • Anonymous

      Ally at Wardrobe Oxygen has the orange skirt… it’s such a personality piece that’s also a basic wearable… feels like the sisterhooiod of the skirt, esp. since some here were firmly in the ‘con’ column while many of us were in the ‘pro++++’ column…. no middle-ground, a true sorority if you dig it.

  35. cakehands

    Hey ladies,
    My best friend is moving from the midwest to DC for a job. I want to get her a nice going away/congrats on your new job present and I was hoping to make it specific to DC. I was thinking about getting her a map or a guidebook, but I’m afraid that is too touristy and not appropriate for someone who is going to be living there. I’ve also only been to DC once, so maybe anyone from there could give me ideas?
    Thanks!

    • Bonnie

      A couple suggestions: a metrocard and rail map, Zagat’s DC, and a subscription to the Washingtonian. I don’t think a guidebook is too touristy and could be a good guide for learning about the city. You can always do something cutesy like include a pair of folding flats like the ones by Dr. Scholl’s for all the walking she’ll be doing.

    • Eponine

      Not sure if any of these things could be considered specific to DC, but here’s a list of things I use regularly in DC that I didn’t use before I lived here:
      – Stainless steel water bottles – crucial since I use public transit and find myself waiting in 90 degree heat. The stainless steel type is just my personal preference.
      – Silk folding fan and handkerchiefs – see above.
      – 4″ compression shorts for under skirts – see above. :)
      – Large tote bag, in addition to my regular purse – because without a car, you end up having to carry your life around with you. I use LeSportsac, but Longchamps are also really popular.
      – Cross-body yoga mat bag – again, because I have to carry my life around with me. I actually have seen these really nice gym bags that have a built in yoga mat carrier on the bottom, but can’t justify the purchase for myself – that’d be a nice gift if your friend is a fitness nut like I am.
      – Washington Sports Club membership (although maybe make sure there’s one near her office and apartment first)
      – Zipcar membership. So wonderful if you don’t own a car. And you can give it as a gift!

      You could also consider getting her something for her apartment. I have a lovely framed photograph of my home city that someone bought for me, and it makes me so happy every time I look at it. That might be a nice gift.

    • ADB_BWG

      A Smithsonian Resident Associates membership (for discounted classes) and a visa gift card to pay for a class. Lots of cool options and a great way to meet people also interested in the subject.

  36. Eponine

    Has anyone tried BR Jackson fit lightweight wool pants? Are they lined, and if so, what is the lining made of?

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      tried martin fit, and they are SO comfortable. don’t know the lining material, but it feels great (like silk) in warm humid weather this summer.

  37. Accountress

    Does anyone know anything about the merchandise at Off Fifth and/or the Saks Fifth Avenue label? I got a cute shirt and I love it, so I really want to know if this is something I could expect to find in the regular stores or if it’s outlet-only.

    • MelD

      I think Off 5th has a combination of merchandise. If you found it on the long racks with items from various labels, that probably came from the store. I believe the items separated by brand just go straight to the outlets, but I am not sure.

    • Clerky

      I have a Saks blazer I bought from the Off Saks outlet and it’s one of my favorite winter blazers. Pure wool and just so classy and different. I think I got it for $50 on Black Friday. I think the label is very high quality.

  38. Book Rec/PSA

    There was a personal safety thread a few days ago (and an NYT article on staying safe while traveling).
    Based on a rec in that thread (thank you, whoever that was) I started reading “Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker and wanted to recommend it here to my fellow Corporettes, especially those of us that live/work in cities, travel frequently, and/or live alone. It’s been extremely enlightening, informative, and dare I say empowering to read about how we can learn to recognize danger signals around us and take proactive steps to make ourselves safer. It’s not an alarmist or freak-out-the-reader tale, just an intelligent and logically written book with a ton of useful advice and information.

    Highly recommend!

    • cbackson

      Personally, I think that women are often socialized out of recognizing and respecting danger signals around us. We don’t want to be rude or impolite, and so we let people invade our personal space or act inappropriately. I used to have a bus driver that was always kind of flirty with me, and would sometimes even detour the bus to drop me off in front of my office. It always made me uncomfortable, but I felt like I was just being overly sensitive. Then, one day, I got on the bus and there weren’t any other passengers (it was a holiday). The driver detoured the bus to an isolated area, parked it, and proceeded to make a very inappropriate pass at me.

      I should have believed my instincts – his behavior had put me on edge weeks before. When I saw that no one was on the bus, I should have waited for the next one, but I didn’t want to make a fuss. Luckily, I was unharmed, but it was terrifying and he could easily have raped me – there was no one around, and it was unlikely anyone would have wandered by for hours.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad you’re okay and the stronger for it– here you have helped make all of us stronger, too.

      • anon

        Ugh! That is horrible. I’m so glad you’re OK!

        You are completely right that women are socialized to be polite/pleasant/agreeable/inoffensive etc, and if you’re actually in potential danger, those socialization lessons are your worst enemy. In fact, a lot of would-be criminals exploit those learned behaviors precisely to get the better of their targets, figuring that you won’t want to appear rude, make a fuss …

        To reiterate the recommendation above, the book (Gift of Fear) addresses a lot of these concepts and ways to combat them. For anyone still reading this thread … I really encourage you to pick it up.

  39. Engagement Rings

    Hey this blog is great. I’m glad I came by this blog. Maybe I can contribute in the near future.For more info please log on tohttp://www.whitefleur.com.au/

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