Weekend Open Thread

351 Comments

1. I did the ultimatum thing and it worked. We have been married now for 10 years. I think some guys just need a kick in the pants. You still have some time though. Maybe just wait til the new year and until then, try to be your happy self.

   1. Agreed that guys just need a kick in the pants. My aunt solved this problem by secretly & unilaterally going off birth control–the ultimate ultimatum. I’m not suggesting that you take this route; I just wanted to share!

      1. Ha! I had the same thought when I read this. My brain immediatly jumped to “well if your goal is to have children . . . ” LOL

2. Oh that’s such a difficult situation. I feel for you. How would you feel if, in 5 years he still wasn’t ready? I’d suggest just breaking it off instead of issuing an ultimatum. Say I am ready to settle down and marry and think about kids, and you are not. Then go away and try to be happy. But more importantly, look and act happy. Perhaps he will realize the error of his ways and come running back to you — in which case you get what you want without having had to issue the ultimatum. And if he doesn’t, then you are on your way to trying to be happy anyways. Good luck. Just my two cents. I realize there is no perfect answer here. I was thinking that’s what I would have to do with my hubby but he up and proposed on me — many years ago now.

3. OP here. Many thanks to all for the thoughtful comments. Like I said, I’ve been reading this blog for years and never realized how truly wonderful it is to get such diverse, objective opinions. I really appreciate it.

   MelD really hit the nail on the head as far as my BF’s thoughts on marriage and feelings on his commitment to our relationship. He feels as if he is as committed as he’ll ever be. We are truly each others best friends and he is very supportive emotionally and financially. So it really isn’t about doubting his outward commitment to me. He also sees marriage and children as going together hand in hand. In his perfect world we would simply get married when we are ready to have children. Unfortunately, this is not my idea of a perfect world.

   He is also very fortunate to be have a lucrative job and the discipline to live well below his means so the usual concerns of having to save money for a ring, wedding, house, and children are not as relavent as they often are for many guys in his shoes. He just thinks when we’re ready for kids we’ll get engaged/married and get to it, like some sort of whirlwind. This is very overwhelming to me and I have a difficult time wrapping my head around so many changes in a short time. Hence me wanting to slowly start the process now. There is also a part (albeit a VERY small part) of me that does have that fear that I’ll end up like the girl who spent those years waiting for her BF to be ready only for him to move to another country without her. I know its irrational. I like to think I’m a pretty great girl and that I’ll end up with the right guy, even if its not my BF. But still. I’m allowed to be slightly irrational.

   At the end of the day what Anon for this @ 8:02 shared kind of sums up my feelings. My BF and I are both free spirits who are currently in pretty conventional jobs. Neither one of us has any clue what we want to do with our lives but we both know we want to have a happy, healthy family. If I wasn’t a 30 year old woman, whose dream in life is to be blessed with biological children, I know that I would not even be thinking about children. But I am, and so I do. At the same time I completely understand where he is coming from. He is a guy. He does not read blogs like this where us women are constantly debating and worrying about how old is too old; when, if ever, is the right time; and what to do when its just not happening the way you planned. Lucky him.

   We had multiple discussions about it today and I know he understands where I am coming from. I think he gets that if he wants to have a family, with me, it may be before we have it all figured out. He genuinely says he wants a family with me. I really do think he’s worth it so I’m going to give him some more time. I know he would do the same for me. I’m *hoping* that this is all resolved like it was for Anon @ 8:16. If it doesn’t, at least I know I tried everything without truly compromising what is important to me.

   Again, I really appreciate all the support and personal stories. I too have had many friends go through this. I guess I just still had the fairytale in my head and never thought it would happen to me. My advice for any younger girls reading this is to try and fall in love with someone who is a few years older!

   1. Keep in mind that a lot of older men will go for younger women because they don’t want kids or a commitment anytime soon. Many of my friends are in marriages where the wife is older than the husband by a year or two. The key is getting a handle on a person’s marriage values fairly early on in the relationship. Some people don’t want marriage or kids and are not suddenly going to change their mind because they reach a set age, while others have your boyfriend’s view and don’t want marriage until they are ready for kids.

   2. Let me see if I can summarize: He thinks marriage necessarily implies having kids quickly, you think marriage is a sign of public commitment and it’s not necessary to have kids right after getting married. You’re in love with and committed to him and don’t want to leave.

      So a few ideas that might be mutually acceptable:
      – You get engaged now, and agree to have a long engagement. You get the public commitment, he gets to wait on the wedding. You agree that you’ll have kids fairly soon after getting married.
      – You get married soon and agree not to discuss kids until a set point in the future (say, your 32nd birthday).
      – I haven’t heard of anyone doing this since I was in college, but I know some people get “pre-engaged” where they decide that they’ll get engaged and then married at a set point in the future.

   3. To the OP, reading this makes me very nervous for you, mostly because it sounds like you are trying to rationalize not getting what you want/need. My husband and I were married for seven years before we had kids, we both had a clear understanding that we wanted to wait until his medical training was complete to have kids but that didn’t stop us from getting engaged and married . I have too many friends who waited out guys only to have missed their window of fertility by the time the relationship ended. In one case, my friend lived with the guy for nearly eight years with him insisting throughout that he was almost ready for marriage, only for them to ultimately break up (he initated) and he wound up getting engaged to a younger woman within a year.

      Just keep in mind, he has exactly the situation he wants right now, and you do not.

      1. I appreciate the sisterly, loving tone of this and all answers. I agree with this: you deserve what you want and need. So does everyone. He is getting his (which is good!). Get yours. Don’t defer your dream for a peace you have to fake. Go get it, girl. With him or another whose dreams match yours– now, not in an abstract alternate someday reality. What about your happiness now, and the reality of children when you get there? Love yourself.

   4. please do give it more time… give him more time to think it through, and give yourself at least 6-12 months before you make any big decisions. And I would strongly recommend asking him if he’ll see a counselor with you, these kinds of things are sooo much easier to figure out when you have a professional helping you both more clearly express what you are thinking and feeling, and break down any confusions or mis-communications.

      don’t give up too quickly on something, since it sounds like you both genuinely love each other and are both listening to each other. you have something really special, don’t let it go yet.

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