Corporette.com

Updated: Nov 1, 2018 322 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Seasonless Black Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Seasonless Black Sheath DressIf you're building a wardrobe right now, there are so many great basics around on deep sale, including this black sheath dress in a seasonless wool from White House | Black Market. I like the sleeves, the “gently folded neckline and angular seams,” and — surprise! — it's fully lined in a leopard-print charmeuse, which I find delightful. (But then I'm on the team for both animal prints as well as wacky linings, so maybe that's just me.) Amazingly, despite 62 positive reviews (and a score of 4.6 out of 5), the dress is not only still available in sizes 00-16, but it's marked way down: was $150, now $59.99. Nice. Seasonless Black Sheath Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…

RSS Error: A feed could not be found at `https://corporette.com/tag/posts/feed`; the status code is `403` and content-type is `text/html; charset=utf-8`

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

    • Susedna

      Love it! Great 1940’s look. (I think a few years ago, Roland Mouret did a whole bunch of dresses just like this because he, too, fell in love with the 1940s)

      But I find the square neckline the hardest to find undergarments for. What does one do? Pasties? Really thin bandeau bras?

      • NOLA

        It is a beautiful dress and it’s so hard to find dresses with sleeves. I don’t know what to say about undergarments. It does go fairly wide. There are lots of convertible bras out there and balconet bras tend to have very wide-set straps.

        • Bonnie

          Most WHBM dresses ant tops have snaps sewn in to avoid that problem. I love WHBM dresses but hate the styling of this one with tights and peep toes.

      • Anne Shirley

        I just do a normal bra and safety pin the straps to the dress, but then again wearing pasties or a bandeau bra isn’t an option for me.

        • Susedna

          I’ll try this — safety-pinning the straps to the dress. Do you ever worry that a sudden move will cause the lining inside the dress to tear? That’d be my only concern with this approach, although I like it, because it means I won’t have to buy pasties or a new bra that’s bandeau-style.

          • Anne Shirley

            I have never worried about that but I might start now . . . But I do this often and have never had an issue

          • AIMS

            You can get tiny little snaps and sew them into you dress to secure the straps. Some dresses come this way already but it’s pretty easy to recreate.

        • mamabear

          You can use a piece of yarn or string & loop it around that area of your strap and tie it to the band of your bra, just enough to hold the strap slightly away from the neckline. It’s a pain but it works. I’ve done it for a special occasion dress.

      • MaggieLizer

        You could sew a little tab with snaps into each side to hold your bra in place. Or if you’re as hopeless with a needle and thread as I am, your dry cleaner can do it pretty inexpensively.

        • rosie

          That’s what I was thinking. A few of my dresses and tops from J.Crew came with these, but having them put in is a great idea.

  2. KC

    I wish all of my dresses had leopard print linings. Or polka dots. That would be amazing.

    • Herbie

      True story: I had a vintage black pea coat relined with hot pink lining. It makes me grin like an idiot every time I see it.

      • [insert clever name here]

        What does it cost to get a coat re-lined? I have a coat I love, but I have shredded the lining.

        • Herbie

          Unfortunately, I did this probably 5-6 years ago, so I don’t remember. I have a guy who picks up / drops off all my dry cleaning and has become my de facto seamstress for easy stuff like this, fixing zippers, etc. I think he’s probably more expensive than if I shopped around, but you can’t beat the convenience factor. Anyway, it’s worth asking around about. I’m about to reline a J. Crew coat that I adore, and given how much I adore that coat, I’d be willing to shell out some serious $$ to get it nicely relined.

        • EB

          I had a knee length wool coat relined last year and it cost about $100. I checked a few other places first and they were between $100 and $175.

    • Eliza

      Boden often does fun linings. I bought one of their tweed blazers this fall and the lining is printed in Beefeaters and Parliament. I smile whenever I slip it on.

  3. Cb

    A little poll: what’s your most ridiculous wardrobe Macgyvering? I thought I could get one more wear out of a too big skirt. I cannot and it is currently held up rather precariously with a binder clip.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      On a summer’s day, I walked to work. It was really hot, so i just wore a tank top, planning to change in the office. When I arrived, I realised that I had forgotten to bring the shirt I was going to wear. Obviously I couldn’t go around the office in a tank top, but luckily I had a suit jacket here. As the top was quite low cut and the jacket only had one button on waist level, I had to staple the jacket to do it up slightly higher to cover up the cleavage.

      A lot of people thought it was weird that I was wearing a suit jacket in the middle of the summer ALL DAY.

    • joy

      Using packing tape to tape the hem of my pants. About half of the hem had fallen out!

      • joy

        OH, and instead of taking it to the tailor, I left the tape there for a couple more wears. *Shame*

          • Houston Attny

            Joy and Mascot –
            I’ve done BOTH the packing tape (thank you, brand new receptionist who noticed a line of thread coming out of my skirt that stretched down the entire hallway, and for real, bless you for telling me that my hem was falling out before I walked in the conference room for a meeting) and the Stitch Witchery pant hem. We’re just smart, not cheap. (repeat as needed) :)

      • EC MD

        I had a hem fall out of a pair of black pants. I used silk suture from the OR to baste it up. It was literally months before I got it fixed including multiple trips to the dry cleaner.

      • JJ

        Instead of packing tape, I once used duct tape in an emergency pants hem. I’ve also stapled a fallen skirt him together. So classy!

        • phillygirlruns

          i’ve definitely done the staples, and have since the first time the hem in my uniform skirt fell out back in high school.

          • TO Lawyer

            haha I did this – my mother was horrified once she found out I stapled my uniform hem instead of getting it fixed (or asking her to fix it)

        • just Karen

          I have a fantastic snapshot from right before my wedding where everyone’s in the back room at the church waiting for guests to be seated and my dad is stapling my mother’s bra to her dress.

          • rosie

            Speaking of wedding ones, my friends tied my train into a knot because one of my bustle ties ripped.

          • R.S.

            I have a photo of my (now-ex) husband stepping on the bustle of my dress and destroying it as we are walking into the reception and being introduced. It’s pretty hilarious – he’s waving and smiling at the people while I’m whipping my head around with a “WTF-just-happened” look on my face. The photographer ended up having some safety pins, so she and my mom ended up doing an emergency re-bustle. Turns out it was kind of a waste to pay $200 to have the bustle system added to the train. Oh well, made for a good story – which has absolutely nothing to do with why we are no longer married, BTW :)

      • Lyssa

        I’ve done this with scotch tape (which works surprisingly well) and continued to wear it that way for literally months. Every time I looked at the skirt, I would think, I should really get that fixed, but hey, it worked.

      • Cb

        It’s totally a word! My British colleagues had no idea what I was talking about when I said I ‘Magyvered’ the star on our Christmas tree (toilet paper and blue tak, thank you very much!)

    • eek

      Today or in general?

      Today I am using the tiniest of binder clips to hold the sleeve tab of my blouse closed. It’s a print blouse and the design/material doesn’t allow the sleeves to be rolled up.

    • Charlotte

      I’ve definitely used tape to temporarily tack up a hem before, but my husband actually comes to mind here. He forgot collar stays, so he fashioned two out of an old credit card. Also, once he forgot his cuff links on a trip (and had no clean white regular shirt to substitute), so he used binder clips to hold the French cuffs together (the silver metal part stuck out). I don’t think anyone noticed.

      • Charlotte

        Just to clarify…. he stuck the silver metal parts of the clips through the button holes. I have to admit it didn’t look too bad!

    • LLM in BsAs

      Not to me but… I was getting dressed with my now husband’s cousin right before her wedding. She had tried on her dress, and then taken it off to prevent wrinkles. Dress was custom made for her, but she had put on about 2lb since her last fitting. Dressmaker leaves, not making sure the dress was on. Cousing goes to put on dress, zipper gets stuck at waist level. It will.not.move. My now-husband arrives (he was driving her and her dad to church, I was driving her mom and godmother). He somehow manages to get the zipper up, but it still splits open midway down her back. He (yes, he!) then sew together the two back parts of her dress. Which held for the ceremony (plus, she had a sort of wrap). As soon as we get to the reception, my boyfriend disappears. He had to finish sowing the entire back panel shut, or she was losing the dress.
      The entire story is still the best part of the wedding!

    • Michelle

      I have, more than once, stapled up a pant hem. And once, when I poured coffee onto my white tee right before a big meeting, I not only washed it out in the bathroom sink and rolled it up in paper towels to semi-dry it, I then wore it backwards before the meeting with my suit jacket over it. It was a bit high in the neck but otherwise probably better than the alternatives.

    • Cb

      Fabulous stories everyone! My skirt is going in the donate pile (it’s plaid which = pita to alter and 3 sizes too big). I made it to the elevator in my building before the system fell apart.

    • Sutemi

      In grad school I biked to school. I also had little money for new jeans. Biking wore through the seat of the pants but I thought the fabric was fine until one day they tore several inches all at once when I sat down.
      I duck taped the pants back together to get through the rest of the day. Luckily labcoats hide a lot!

  5. Famouscait

    Threadjack: I actively try to take a considerate, assertive approach to conflict. However. I still find myself unreasonably annoyed by other women in my office who use passive aggressive behavior. Example: I just made a phone call to our office manager to have the flickering florescent light in my office replaced. I also asked if there was any way to expedite the repair, because… Well, I never got to finish that sentence (flickering lights [aka, strobes] can trigger migraines for me) because she kept cutting me off to tell me that there was nothing she could do. When I tried to acknowledge her tone of frustration with me, she assured me that there was nothing wrong. She was clearly annoyed with what I feel is a reasonable request; now I’m also annoyed because of her unnecessary passive aggressiveness! I’m new to this office/job, and hate the idea that someone out here (who has otherwise been perfectly agreeable) likely now thinks I’m a pushy you-know-what.

    What’s a better way to handle passive aggressive people like this?

    • mascot

      Email? You can finish your thought and remove the opportunity for them to engage. I’d be careful of tone, but it might help.

      • Famouscait

        I think what annoys me so much is that I feel trapped. I’d like to follow-up so I can clarify my concerns, but trapped because if I do, I’m only going to reinforce her idea of me as a pushy you-know-what who can’t just as well leave it alone. Argh.

        • Marilla

          What are your concerns though? I agree that it’s irritating and disrespectful when people cut you off in the middle of a sentence. But I’m not sure it’s worth following up to again say, you know, it really bothered me when X, and I really need this done ASAP because Y. You’ve asked her, she’s acknowledged the request, I would leave it for now. Sometimes it takes time to build up goodwill with admin assistants/office managers etc before you have a good relationship with them (which IMO is super important).

        • Ru

          Depending on your building/city, building repairs are handled by union workers. There is a whole protocol of how and when and to whom work will be assigned. It is way outside of any office manager’s realm. It is a very bad idea to aggravate building maintenance.

          Be patient, thank the office manager for listening, and figure out alternative ways to deal with the flickering light. This would drive me crazy, too. In our office, we’ve had flickering lights “accidentally” stop working. Besides the fact that the light isn’t flickering anymore and you can supplement with your own lighting, complaints of dead bulbs are typically considered more urgent.

    • joy

      Keep in mind that every single person who needs repairs or maintenance probably asks the office manager to expedite the job.

    • Anne Shirley

      I’m not sure how you tried to acknowledge her tone of frustration, but it sounds dreadful to me really. You aren’t entitled to have her listen to your constructive assertive thoughts on the conversation. It sounds to me like she was politely putting you off, and if you don’t want the new office to think poorly of you, I’d err on the side of overly nice to support staff for a while.

      • cc

        Agree with this. Nothing she did sounded passive aggressive to me. I don’t think she needs to spell out “well my tone sounds annoyed because everyone wants to expedite the service request”

      • rosie

        Also, some people just have different tones than other people, and if you don’t know the other person, I would not assume that you are accurately perceiving their tone (especially over the phone) and give them the benefit of the doubt.

    • TCFKAG

      Also – just generally – try to think about in life require super “assertive” tones and what might be better served by a more relaxed approach. From your post, I’m concerned that you may be coming across as a bit unreasonably confrontational about day to day things in the office. Not to sound too much like a Southern grandma, but you will probably catch more flies with honey then vinegar in situations like this.

      I have migraines and I understand that a flickering light can be a big problem – but you have to be able to approach problems like this with some level of calm.

      • Fiona

        On the migraine front, a good solution might be to bring in lamps and turn the overheads off altogether. Even non-flickering fluorescent lights can trigger headaches. Plus regular lamps just make offices feel less alienating, in my opinion.

    • saacnmama

      Why does she need to know about your migraines? The light needs to be fixed, period. If she can’t do it, find out who can. I’d bring it up in a friendly way with someone I was chatting with at the office. Maybe there’s a problem with the fixture or something.

      • k-padi

        This. I work remotely with people who display every aspect of passive-aggressiveness.

        I have to remind myself every time to take the high road. I’d thank her for her time, disable the light (usually guys are more than happy to climb on chairs and desks to do this stuff–OK that wasn’t very feminist of me), and become the squeaky wheel. Call her or stop by her office daily. Don’t be confrontational, just smile, ask how she’s doing, and, “oh, by the way, the light in my office isn’t working.”

  6. anon for this

    What stores/brands make boxy dress shirts? I’m in that awkward late first trimester / early second trimester zone where my regular Brooks Brothers dress shirts are too tight (especially in the chest), but I don’t want to switch to maternity clothes while I’m still in the closet at work. Any recommendations on stores that sell boxier / blousier fits? I was thinking about trying Lands End, Talbots, or LL Bean. Any thoughts on those options or other good options?

    • petitesq

      Talbots is definitely boxy, and you might try Chicos, as well. This might be too far outside the box, but what about mens’ dress shirts? Or even extra large boys if you’re on the petite side?

    • Praxidike

      I would definitely try Talbots. A lot of their stuff is boxy and they definitely have dress shirts that fit the bill. I know lots of people have differing opinions on Talbots, but I’ve always found their quality to be very good, too, so the shirt will probably last you post-partum, too.

    • AEK

      I know you said your current shirts are BB– have you tried the Brooks Brothers Classic Fit? It’s boxy. There are two fits (Fitted and Tailored) that are more slim /tailored, so it’s the most generous cut. For reference, I wear an 8 or 10 in Tailored, the closest fit, and am comfortable in a 4 in the classic.

  7. Anastasia

    Were I not pregnant, this would be mine! I love the idea of the leopard print lining, too.

    And while we’re thinking about linings, my black wool coat needs a new one. The original is black, but I would like to jazz it up. Debating between a jewel tone or some kind of print. Is it unprofessional to have a fun print lining your professional coat?

    Also, anyone know the cost to have a tailor do a new coat lining for you? I could do it myself, but if it’s inexpensive, my time might be worth more than my money…

      • JessBee

        Kelly Ripa said almost exactly the same thing about these jeans this morning! :) “Too much moisture can be a problem!”

    • Sugar Magnolia

      Ewwww! Why on earth would they try this, rather than work on changing the brand name from “Wrangler” to something less cowboyish? *snark intended

      • Susedna

        *giggle* This is making me want to think up teasers for a bad talk show:

        Next on Maury Povich — Wrangling with Paternity Tests — which Cellulite-ridden Cowboy is the Father of the Child?? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT.

    • little advice

      yes, i found that irritating too. they use the word “seasonless” as if people will assume that it’s “seasonless wool.”

  10. add meds?

    TJ: Can anyone talk to me about their experience taking ADD medication? I just had my first ever visit with a therapist and based on what I was saying, she screened me for ADD and said I scored pretty high. It’s something I thought I might have had for a long time, but never really did anything about because 1) I managed to end up with a biglaw job, so I was doing well enough, and 2) I have a slight aversion to medication.
    But now, I’m having a lot of anxiety at my new job and a lot of it is related to not being efficient about my work (wasting hours on end at the office), so I think this might make sense for me — I’m just a little nervous about what it is going to be like, and if it becomes something I need to take forever (not necessarily a negative point, just a little unnerving considering I’ve had almost 3 decades on nothing).

    • May

      Cant remember for the life of me when, or whereabouts but there was a great discussion here about ADD meds a while back. Perhaps using Adderall as a search term might get you there?

      • add meds?

        I did go through that, though it was more about getting off the meds rather than getting on them. I’d like to hear more about any potential side effects, etc. It does seem that people have been able to get off of them and sustain their productivity to a certain degree.
        From what people were saying on that thread, it almost just sounds like if I could learn to stay organized, that would solve the problem?

        • De

          I was in a few of the conversations about side effects, if you search for “straterra” you might find it! (I feel like there have been quite a few of these threads lately.)

    • Regular Poster BL

      It hasn’t fixed all my problems but certainly made them better. Made me a much better and more considerate wife and friend. While my add still impacts my life, I am aware of it now. Instead of being clueless “ah, it’s no big deal I haven’t picked up my underwear off the floor in a week” I will now think “my add makes me want to walk right past this underwear. In reality it will take me 2 seconds to pick it up. It will make my husband really happy. I will do it.” It also makes me aware of why some things seem so burdensome. The other night, emptying and loading the dishwasher seemed insurmountable as insane as that may sound. That is one of my few chores so I wasn’t going to try to pass it off. I allowed myself a set period of time to sit on the couch and watch a show while I talked myself up. After this show, you will unload and load the dishwasher no matter how long it takes you and you will not do anything else until it is done. I then went to do it and as I found myself dancing around the kitchen instead of just doing it I stopped and broke it into smaller pieces. I told myself dancing around was going to turn it into an hour task when it really should only take 10 minutes. Just put the silverware away. Okay, check. What next. Okay, now I’ll put the cups away. Okay, great. I just had to keep breaking it down and down.

      My life isn’t always that complicated. There are days it really rears up and days it is totally controlled. My meds only get me through the work day so home chores are much harder. Routine and structure help there. I certainly still struggle to get work done at work but I apply the same routine above. Break it into manageable chunks. Just get it started. Do something I want to do to get my brain moving. I will find I will procrastinate for hours to avoid the one thing I don’t want to do. If that is the case, I schedule the thing I don’t want to do, mentally, and do other stuff I have to do but don’t mind doing first. (see dishwasher example above.) I have had no therapy for that. I researched it myself and it was trial and error. My doc is of the “just medicate it” mindset. I have insisted on staying on a fairly low dose even though she wants me on higher.

      If I take too much, my heart races and I feel jittery. I had to try a couple to get a dose my body could handle that would still be effective. I’m on 15 mg extended release adderall with a rx for 5 mg short acting to get me through long nights or travel.

      The biggest surprise for me was that a lot of my anxiety (travel for example) was actually ADD based and the adderall helped more than the xanax they tried to throw at me. I didn’t realize how sitting still in a plane or a car was so difficult mentally for me.

      • Praxidike

        This is fascinating. A lot of the behaviors you’re describing (feeling like simple tasks are insurmountable, anxiety, forcing myself to focus on a single task at hand until it’s done no matter how long it takes, etc) is stuff I deal with every day. I thought this was just my personality, but maybe not?

        • Anonymous

          +1. How do you tell the difference? I definitely have some ADD characteristics like not finishing tasks,not starting easy tasks, hard time focusing on conversations, even some hyperfocus elements, etc., but with great grades and no hyperactivity I always assumed it was my anxiety disorder. Are there drug free approaches that help?

          • De

            I think, if you look at the conversations we’ve all had, we all had great grades (except for algebra in college, I’d always forget the online homework was due…) and all have been pretty successful at landing great jobs, do solid work performance (though my most recent performance review said I need to focus more. Ugh.)
            I think there are drug free approaches with therapists! I’m not on anything right now, and I’ve just had to learn what works for me. An ex told me once that coffee has very similar effects as adderall, whether or not that’s true, I do feel better when I’ve had caffiene. I think therapy can help you figure out what your specific downfalls are, and practical approaches to tackling them.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I think the difference is when it starts to negatively impact your life. Adults and adult women especially present very differently with ADD than kids and boys. I read some google articles and was frustrated enough with myself that I brought it up to my doctor.

          • Anonymous

            These things are definitely frustrating to me! Especially because they seem so easy – just listen harder – but the act of putting that pressure on myself makes it more difficult.

          • Charlotte

            De, you have struck a chord with me on the caffeine issue. I am not a hot-coffee drinker, so I don’t have coffee every day, but I really notice how much better I can focus and accomplish things when I have an iced coffee. Caffeine does make a difference!

            I am totally self-diagnosed ADD, so I really don’t know if I fit the real diagnosis, but I have recently started taking the DMAE supplements, and I have to say that I really think it helps my focus and general there-is-no-way-I-can-bring-myself-to-do-this-task outlook. It seems to just ease it a bit and help me think rationally about breaking larger tasks into smaller ones and actually tackling them.

      • Susedna

        Wow. Thanks for giving us a look inside your experience with ADD. I think it really opened my eyes as to how difficult it can be to live with, and how difficult it is to find good, balanced care. Thanks for sharing this.

        And good on you for figuring out what works for you own mind & body and not letting a knee-jerk medicator just ply you with medication without further refinement or understanding of the holistic effects.

    • Greener Apple

      I got over the weird resentment I used to feel towards having to take ADHD meds by thinking of them as vitamins.

      Anything in particular you want to know? I think I just had a conversation with someone about taking adhd meeds a few days ago here, maybe. Honestly, I sort of wish that I could become laser-focused and productive when dosed up, but mostly I just feel calmer and more attentive.

      The biggest changes that other people noticed are social ones: I’m better at listening, for example, or having a conversation over lunch at a restaurant. Those are really huge things, once you start an actual career, which is something that I wish I’d understood earlier.

      Also, I highly recommend a life coach. Psychiatrists/therapists/whoever are fine for dealing with symptoms, but they aren’t exactly all that helpful with career issues/growth, in my experience. Talking to my psychiatrist about time management or managing office politics is just frustrating, because even though his advice is sound and based on excellent research and whatever else, it doesn’t really fit my career goals/path/interests.

    • Anon for this

      I could have been the OP on this issue. My psychiatrist did the quick ADHD screen and based on my answers, she recommended I go to a full day of testing. That sounded very much intimidating for me, so I wonder, has anyone done the full day of testing and could you please let me know what it entails and what I can expect? A related issues is that part of me is somewhat in denial about this, and I am afraid of seeing a diagnosis in black-and-white on paper. TIA!

      • In the Pink

        You may want to look at books written by:

        Daniel Amen (great checklist of symptoms)
        Russell Barkley (the research guru in the field, has expanded from kids to adults)
        Edward Hallowell

        It is a toughie to diagnose later in life.

        There are computerized continuous performance tests out there, but they were originally designed to titrate meds. However, in the hands and eyes of a good examiner, can give a solid behavior sample of attention persistence, vigiliance, self-monitoring, and impulsivity.

        That being said, there’s no reason to say “I have ADHD/ADD because the meds help me.” The way the meds work is to increase levels of a neurotransmitter – which works on everyone.\

        Best wishes!

      • AnonPhD

        Definitely do the testing if your MD recommended. It’s not fun, but it’s not awful either. The testing isn’t really “all day”, but it does take quite a few hours (I think at least 4, maybe 6?), and involves standard symptom assessment measures and a couple of performance-based measures. It’s really worthwhile to get an accurate assessment so you can be properly diagnosed. Maybe the assessment will come back negative, or maybe it will come back positive. Either way, as scary as it sounds to get a diagnosis in black and white, part of what that allows you to do is say, okay, here’s what the reality is, so now what do I need to do to address is quickly and effectively? It becomes, in a sense, just like any of the problems you solve at work.

    • add meds?

      Thanks everyone who shared (again). I went back and read some more threads about medication, and it was definitely helpful. I guess since I just got told I might want to try meds this morning, it was helpful to have some real time feedback and assurance. I can’t get over the guilty feeling either that somebody mentioned in a previous thread. And I’m worried about becoming dependent, although it seems like people have been able to shift off of it and made it work.

    • bird

      Adderall changed my life (I paid attention, got $hit done, and lost 15 lbs).

      I’m pregnant and had to stop taking it….I have no idea how lawyers do this job unmedicated. It’s brutal!

  11. Praxidike

    Ugh. I am so annoyed. My father’s longtime girlfriend (10+ years) died unexpectedly about a week ago, and I went home to help my father with … everything. The day after her death, we find out that she executed a “secret” will about three years ago and that my father is no longer the executor of her substantial estate. Okay, fine.

    I call the new executor. She refuses to give me a copy of the will and directs me to the attorney who drafted it. I, also an attorney, call that attorney and leave a message on Monday. No return call. I email her on Wednesday and request a copy of the will be faxed/emailed to my father or me. I get an email back from her assistant saying that she’ll “try” to get in touch with me on Friday.

    I don’t get this. Once the will is filed with the court for probate, it becomes a public record. I will then be able to access it whenever I want. Why would you deliberately alienate me and my father in this manner over something so obviously trivial? I try to pick my battles (both professionally and personally) and if I was in this attorney’s shoes, this is not a battle I would wage.

    • Susedna

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this. How is your father handling this? I think he’s lucky to have you to help him. much *tea & sympathy*

      At this point, they could just be idiots. “Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence.” Still frustrating to you, because you have to deal with them, but there doesn’t seem to be enough information about why they’re not being helpful.

      • Bunkster

        “Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence.” Love this.

        My mother’s favorite line is “Often in error, seldom in doubt”

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My guess, she is expected the $h!t to hit the fan and wants to give someone on her client’s side a heads up about it first. Alternatively, she is really busy on other matters and being realistic about when she will get to it. I know it sounds like a quick and easy thing but doing some PI work, I get probably 10 calls a day to send some quick and easy thing. If I dropped everything every time to do it, I would never get any work done. I try to set aside time every other day or so to get all the quick and easy things done. At least she responded and didn’t make you wait days for a return call.

      • Praxidike

        Oh, I am sure she’s expecting the excrement to hit the fan, but the executor likely knew about that before the attorney did. To say this was a shock would be an understatement. And we have no real plans to challenge the will; she was unquestionably competent at the time (or so I think, anyway) so it would really be an issue of coercion.

        I don’t know that I agree with you about these trivial matters. I get calls for trivial stuff all the time, and I just have my assistant do it. If her assistant had time to email me back, then I feel she had time to scan in a will, attach it to an email, and send it to me. But I don’t do E&T work, so maybe it’s more complex than that. At any rate, it is a personal pet peeve of mine when people do not timely return my phone calls, so I am probably more irritated than is warranted.

    • Anne Shirley

      Is there some reason why you must have the will right now? I imagine they’re notifying people, perhaps diplomatically, and havent gotten to you yet.

      If there is a specific reason why it is urgent, then I’d call back and explain, but baring that I’d be surprised if they have an obligation to give you a copy right away.

      • Praxidike

        Yes, there is a reason we need to see it. It’s not life or death urgent, but it’s urgent enough. And, more than that, my father just went through a huge shock of her unexpected death and then the news that she executed a secret will… I think that’s enough of a reason right there.

        No, they don’t have an obligation to do it. I’m not implying there’s an obligation; I’m saying that this is not really a smart position to take when either my father (or his grandchildren) are the major beneficiaries under this will (or so we’ve heard from various sources) and, as I said, it seems really silly to alienate us at this point.

        • Anne Shirley

          I get all of that, but also consider whether you need to alienate them at this point. You’re probably in for a long haul, so whenever you can make things go smoothly, I’d do that. But, like I said, nothing wrong with following up is you really need it now.

          Good luck with it too. I spent years in T&E and I know how all consuming it can become for families.

          • Praxidike

            I think the real reason we need it is because my father is living in a house with all of her stuff and he’s afraid to do anything with it because we don’t know about the distribution of property. He didn’t even know whether the house was purchased as a tenancy with right of survivorship or as tenants in common (in fact, still does not know that … I need to follow up). I am hoping she didn’t decide force him to liquidate the house by giving half of it to someone else.

            This whole thing is so shocking to me. She executed the will in 2009, which means that she and her best friend (the executor) were spending time with me and my dad for three years knowing that they’d betrayed him in this fashion. It blows my mind. I have a crazy family that has done some crazy stuff with wills and money, but this is by far the weirdest I’ve encountered.

          • Herbie

            I actually have to disagree with this. No intention to be callous, but this lawyer’s obligation is to her client. There could be any number of reasons why she’s refusing to hand over the will to the decedent’s boyfriend’s daughter immediately, despite that it will become public through probate later, none of which reasons Praxidike knows or is entitled to know.

            That said, Praxidike, I’m sorry your father is in this cr@ppy situation.

          • Praxidike

            This is true. If that’s the case, wouldn’t you expect her to just email me back and say, “Sorry, I can’t hand it over because [reason XYZ]”?

            I mean, yeah, I practice in the midwest. I doubt we’re so much more collegial here than on the east coast that my hope is out of line. Just the lack of information/responsiveness is what’s getting me. And of course it’s upsetting my father, which is adding to my own stress.

          • MaggieLizer

            Could be client driven, in which case the lawyer couldn’t very well say, “Sorry I can’t give you the will because my client is an @ss and told me not to.” Call the executor and ask if she will authorize the attorney to release the will to you. If she says yes, send her a follow up email and cc the attorney, saying something like, “Per our conversation, you have stated that I am authorized to receive a copy of the will from [attorney] ASAP. Please confirm by replying all to this email so [attorney] has your confirmation for her records.” So sorry for everything you’re going through, I hope it gets sorted soon.

          • MJ

            No–I demur or don’t answer opposing counsel requests ALL THE TIME when we “don’t want to get into it” and we’re coming up with a PC way of saying “no, not now, or no way.” So, while I totally sympathize with your situation, I don’t think any lawyer needs to hot foot it to do anything for someone who is not their client, and they probably won’t, regardless of whether it’s the “decent” thing to do. Non-clients are not my priority, unless they are SH/Investors in my clients (I do corporate).

    • Ellen

      Mabye you are geting the brush off is b/c you are NOT the HUSBAND. Without MARITEL right’s, you are NOT entitled to see or do anything. While you are alive, you can date, but someone who DATED someone is NOT the same as someone who is the WIDOW, or the WIDOOWER to the person. That is a legal distinction that ONLY lawyer’s know, and that IS why I am takeing the time to explain it for the HIVE.

      If I married a guy, and GOD FORBID anthing happened to him, I would be abel to walk in and be his spouse, and collect MONEY. If I was NOT the spouse, I could NOT get benefit’s. NOW I am NOT sure wether all of this new law about life partner’s change’s anything, but my dad says NO. That is why he is INSISTEING I get MARRIED before I have a BABY. I told DAD I want a baby, but have NO boyfreind. He says make sure to get MARRIED first. I supose he is RIGHT.

        • Praxidike

          I understand what Ellen is saying. And, as I said above and will reiterate here, I am not belaboring under the misapprehension that we are entitled to anything. I am frustrated because I don’t think this has to be an adversarial process, but it seems like it’s going to be one anyway.

      • saacnmama

        I have to ask Ellen a question, which makes me uncomfortable.

        If they lived together for 10 years, doesn’t common law marriage come into being in most states? Could that be the reason for the will 7 years into the relationship?

        And I still think there are kinder ways of making someone wait from Mon to Fri than a simple brushoff.

        • Mpls

          The Interwebs say that only about 9 states still allow common law marraige – so it totally depends on the state Dad and GF were living in.

          • Leslie Knope

            I am not a lawyer, but I think common-law marriage doesn’t just kick in after you’ve been living together for a certain number of years. I think you also have to refer to each other as husband/wife and represent yourself as married.

    • Probate works how?

      How does one get a copy of a will once it’s filed in probate? I got a letter last month from my recently-deceased grandfather’s attorney which said I was a contigent beneficiary to his estate, and my step-grandmother was the trustee, or something. It included a notice of hearing so that I could attend and presumably contest if I wanted to. I don’t want to contest the will, I hope he left her everything if only to keep the family drama and vultures to a minimum, so I didn’t attend the hearing. I’m an attorney, but this is not my area. What happens now?

      • Praxidike

        If you have a good relationship with the executor, you can simply ask for a copy. Or you can call the attorney who authored the letter and ask for one. If not, you can contact the county in which the hearing occurred and get a copy of the will. You probably need to ask for it via letter rather than phone, and you’ll also have to pay for the copy (or, at least I did when I’ve done it in the past).

        I am surprised they didn’t send a copy of it with the letter notifying you of your contingent beneficiary status. In my state (and my dad’s for that matter), if you are a beneficiary or a contingent one, the executor has to send you a copy of the will within a certain timeframe after the estate goes into probate.

      • Contact the Office

        You can contact the county probate office/register of wills to get a copy. A lot of offices have online forms now.

  12. AnnonFoo

    Order placed, love their dresses, always very classy and elegant. Hoping fits well.

    • AnnonFoo

      I had to call them to place the order (great deal to pass up) because I entered wrong code on my credit card and it locked up. They gave me another 5% off and free shipping on the phone, yay !

  13. Filing personal records

    I have very little living space and that’s not about to change. My field of work doesn’t give me much office space either.
    Would anyone care to share their experience on filing personal stuff; I’m thinking medical test reports, financial docs, insurance, that sort of thing.
    Perhaps one big folder / binder? Lots of little ones?
    Maybe I’m over thinking this… Care to share?
    May

    • Fiona

      Can you get yourself a scanner and scan everything you want to keep, make some organized files on your home computer, and then destroy the paper copies?

      • IMMJ

        Exactly. But while you’re at it, sign up for Mozy or some other backup service so that you’ll still have the records even if your computer dies.

    • Marilla

      I use a small filing cabinet, personally – I find it takes up less space than binders would and I can find things more easily. But if space is an issue, why not scan all your records and keep them on an external HD (and maybe back-up too to something like Dropbox)? Then you could shred the paper records and not take up any living/office space.

    • joy

      We bought a small filing cabinet from Target. It is particle board with a black matte finish and we had to assemble it ourselves. It has 1 average sized drawer on top and a drawer big enough for file folders on the bottom. This is how we keep all of our records. It doesn’t hold a ton, but it holds enough for our two-person household – apartment lease, pay stubs, medical stuff, and the like. Each area of our lives has it’s own folder. If the drawer gets full, that’s when we know it’s time to do a little clean-up. I’d like to go paperless but the idea of scanning every last thing is so unappealing.

    • TO Lawyer

      I use an accordion file that you can close (from an office supply store – will post a link in reply because I don’t think I’m explaining it appropriately) and file all my documents in there over the course of a year. At the end of the year/beginning of the next year, I go through it and see what documents if any I want to save and which ones I can shred. (In theory – haven’t done this yet for 2012).

      The accordion file doesn’t take up that much space and I prefer keeping documents around just in case, at least for a while.

    • Ru

      Eagerly watching this thread – my binder full of fun Ru medical facts is getting to be heavy. I am thinking of scanning and storing to CDs, external HD, email and dropbox storage but eh. Scanning is such a pain. Maybe a binder full of CDs wouldn’t take up too much space.

      • Tuesday

        Flatbed scanning is a pain — I got a Fujitsu ScanSnap a couple years ago & I love it. It does two sides at a time, is very fast, auto-corrects if you put the paper in a little crooked…

        I know I sound like a commercial for this. I got it because my SIL got one & about two minutes into her demo of it to me, I was totally sold. It’s like magic.

        • Ru

          That is a dream scanner. I may have to bite the bullet eventually – paper storage is getting out of control.

      • FormerPhotog

        I’ve actually been using (for work) a program called GeniusScan for my iDevices. Works quite well, and will email/connect to servers and Dropbox, I believe (at least in the pay version). I find I prefer for B/W text over detailed imaging, but it works pretty well on the inkjet prints of the laser spectra I print, too.

    • AIMS

      What about a storage ottoman that you can hang files in? It’ll double as extra seating so bonus on that.

      Or do what I do, and bring all your extra stuff to your office :)

  14. Nancy P

    Has anyone ever hired an interior decorator? What kinds of questions did you ask when choosing one? I’m about to take the plunge but feel like I have no idea what I’m doing! I’m not looking for a complete overhaul; I’m looking for someone to help me pick paint colors and add furniture and accessories (e.g. pillows, lamps, etc) for a new larger apartment.

    (And if anyone has a rec in NYC, I’ll gladly take it!)

    • Susie

      Yes I used one when we bought our house. She was excellent, but unfortunately in the SF area. We just had a free consult, I looked at her portfolio and felt comfortable with her to proceed, I don’t recall what questions I asked her. Before our meeting she asked me to go through some magazine and clip pictures that appeal to me, to help her get a sense of my style. She helped us select paint colors for the entire interior, helped us decide on the granite and cabinets for the kitchen, and we also ordered some furniture through her. She suggested some things I never would have picked out myself but I love the finished product. It is a lot more interesting than what I would have come up with!

      • k-padi

        Susie, can you send me her info? I’m thinking I’m going to need an interior decorator in the next year or so.

        Would she be willing to incorporate my eclectic art collection into the decor?

    • MaggieLizer

      I had a bad experience with an interior decorator (not NYC). Make sure to find one that will work with your schedule, defers to your judgment even if s/he disagrees, and will give you swatches of everything s/he will buy or make. My interior decorator was supposed to make or order custom curtains in an off-white or cream color, but refused to let me see the fabric ahead of time. What he brought was a foot too short and bright yellow. He said, well I told you I was getting eggshell, eggshell is yellow (I’m not sure on what planet “eggshell” is bright yellow, btw), and this color looks better than cream anyway. I refused to pay and he threatened to sue me but nothing ever came from it.

  15. saacnmama

    Is there anyone West of Chicago on here who could help me out with something IRL? Please email me (same handle) at hotmail.

      • saacnmama

        Nope, not legal advice.

        I spent forever picking out a bike I loved. Now that it’s been stolen I’m devastated that it’s no longer being made. There is a bike store 35 miles West of Chicago that has one in stock. They can mail it to me, but according to their agreement with the manufacturer, they must sell it in the store, not on the internet or phone. So I need someone who can take the check I mail them to the bikestore, and NOT walk out with my new bike.

        I promise I’m not a Nigerian princess!

      • saacnmama

        They won’t accept a check in the mail. I don’t understand the reasoning, but they are not the first Trek store to tell me this. I thought I’d figured out someone for the last store, but then the bike sold before we got it. I don’t know the exact language of the Trek affiliates contract, but the stores here (Tampa Bay) tell me that this is the correct way of doing it.

        I’m wondering if a local delivery service would work.

        • Tampa

          Saacnmama, your thoughts on Tampa? DH’s family is there, so we’re starting to consider a move to TPA once we’re ready to have kids due to family support and COLA. We’ve visited Tampa a few times, but I don’t really have a sense of the city. We’re in and I’m from the San Francisco area, so I have a lot of concerns/irrational fears about what practicing law/living in Tampa would be like. Might I be able to impose upon you to ask some Qs and get your thoughts at some point in the next few months? If you have an anon email address, I’ll email you from my real one to get the dialogue going at your convenience. If any other ladies here are in Tampa, I’d be interested in your thoughts as well.

          • Anon

            Um, stay in SF!!

            I went to high school in Tampa. Expensive private college prep school blah blah blah. I would estimate that, of the women in my graduating class, maybe 20% are currently employed. None of them live/work in Tampa. The remaining 80%, most of whom do live in Tampa with no intention of ever leaving, are SAHMs. I don’t think they ever had any ambition of becoming employed apart from a filler in between graduating college and getting married/having children. Now, I have nothing but respect for SAHMs – rock out with whatever is best for you/your partner/your family. But all this to say that if you are looking for a city with a lot of career-minded, go-getting women, I don’t that you’re going to find that in Tampa. Not by a long shot.

            Also, if you are looking for a city with good ethnic food (other than Cuban, which is delicious and abundant), cultural diversity, functional public transportation, a decent arts scene, nice weather (unless you love the humid subtropics) or, really, vibrancy of any sort, you aren’t going to find that either.

          • Susedna

            Isn’t Tampa the str!pclub capital of the U.S.? It’s not the type of place that, as the anon poster said has tons of opportunities for corporate types.

            Although maybe you’d like to be invited to Jill Kelley’s parties and that could be interesting, from a human-zoo perspective.

          • Anon

            Yes, lots & lots of “n*die bars” (to adopt my mom’s phrase). Including one that looks like a flying saucer. It is a classy, classy city.

          • saacnmama

            12:33, I absolutely hate living here, mostly for the reasons Anon 12:59 lays out:
            There are 2 seasons, warm (interrupted by a cool period when you could do things outside, but people don’t because they think it’s cold) and hot (5 mos when I refuse to go outside–and I love being outside!)
            There is a very, very small community of people who support “radical” things like bike paths and recycling and CSAs and other things that San Fran thought were old hat 25 years ago. Most of the place is very bland suburban-minded.
            The area around USF (a very middling university) seems to have a little more diversity and life than the rest.
            This place sprawls like nothing else. Think LA in the early 80s. Lots of pollution. No public transit.
            Besides the strip clubs (I think it’s actually #3 in the nation), there is the plastic surgery. Between the 2 of them, there are ads pushing “sexy” stereotypes for women everywhere. We’ve lived in two “nice” neighborhoods here, and had strip clubs within a mile of both locations. They are not concentrated in one part of town.
            Florida still has lots of people with old Southern mindsets. There are also lots of people from the Midwest who think that there’s only one way to do anything, so if you aren’t doing it their way, you’re just wrong. Doesn’t make for a vibrant anything scene.
            If you have kids, especially if they are black or Hispanic, you want to give Fla schools a long, hard look. Black and Hispanic kids are WAY overrepresented in special ed classrooms, even in the high-income area where we used to live, and the state schoolboard considered setting a different set of criteria for them to be at “grade level” because the percentage of those kids passing the standardized test was too low. Instead of improving their education, they figured they’d just lower the bar.
            Historical anything gets wiped away. Right now St Pete is replacing its iconic pier, because at 40, it’s too old (humorous tie-in with the plastic surgery should go here).
            The “stuff to do” category is big enough to fill a week-long vacation.
            It is very flat here. The land is flat. The people’s affect is flat. Professional landscape seems flat too (though I don’t know your field).
            There is a big military presence/culture.
            “It’s a beautiful day in Tampa Bay!” with a huge, cheesy grin, is considered a normal greeting.

            I have a lawyer friend who commutes half an hour to work, her mom is a yoga instructor somewhere else, and she has 2 kids. She supports Alan West and drives an MDX. She loves it, says she wouldn’t live anywhere else. If you want me to ask her anything specific, I’d be happy to.

            If you want to email me at the same handle at hotmail, I’d be happy to go into it. A lot of it has to do with me, how I got here, and what’s important to me, so I’m not sure they’d apply to you.

            The public radio stations WUSF (NPR affiliate) and WMNF (indie) both stream and have pretty decent websites, so you might want to look them up.

          • saacnmama

            I just reread your post and realize I may have insulted your husband’s family. I am sorry! Certainly did not mean to do that.

        • Susedna

          I’m not geographically helpful to you here, and maybe not helpful at all here, but ugh! That just sounds so aggravating. I am sorry your original Trek was stolen to begin with, and I’m sorry it’s turning into such a process to get a replacement.

          If your heart is set on this brand and model of bike, then I guess one does have to work with/around the affiliates’ rules. But…is there another brand and model of bike that you like as much that wouldn’t cause you to have to go through these contortions?

          *tea & sympathy* regardless!

        • Lucy

          Any chance there is an employee of the shop, who can be vouched for by the boss/coworker, who would be willing to accept the check at his/her residence and bring it in, for a small fee? Perhaps you could ask the person you’ve been talking with if anyone there is extremely reliable for a very small freelance delivery job.

  16. Ru

    So, I met a new neurologist and she strongly recommended that I learn to meditate. To learn how to unlock stiff muscles using my mind – I apparently have spectacular tension headaches. It sounds like magic to me but I am willing to try anything at this point – who couldn’t use stress management training, right? Before I turn myself over to the wilds of The Google, does anyone have any recs for meditation courses in NYC?

    • Tuesday

      I haven’t taken a course, but my doctor recommended an iOS app called “Mindfulness” that I’ve been using. The app icon is blue with a white silhouette of a sitting person on it. Cost about $2, IIRC.

    • CW

      I have never taken a course, but one of the things that worked for me when I’m having trouble quieting my mind is something a yoga instructor once said at the end of yoga when you’re laying on your mats. She was telling us trying to get us to relax and instructing us to think about our limbs, one by one, starting with fingers and toes, and to think of them as dead weight, sinking into the floor. And then you think of that feeling spreading through your limbs. When I’m having a particularly hard time falling asleep I still use this, and while it doesn’t always help me sleep it generally does help me calm my mind.

      • Nonny

        Agreed. I learned the same thing through my yoga practice and use it in daily life. The other thing I learned from yoga which helps me when I am dealing with a lot of tension is to take a deep breath and release it all quickly, even making a “sighing” noise while I do it. If I do this a couple of times in a row, it really helps me relax and I notice my shoulder and neck muscles releasing.

      • Equity's Darling

        My yoga studio offers yoga-nidra classes, which are basically meditation classes. I’m not into them, but I did one once accidentally (they had changed scheduling, I thought it was a hot flow class), and it managed to get me into a very weird asleep body/calm mind state, it was a bit surreal. It may be worth checking out something similar? There was no movement in the class, it was basically lying on our mat and being led through visualisations, so I can’t imagine it would hurt anything.

        My favourite yoga instructor does something similar to CW’s, except she makes us tense our toes as tight as we can, then relax them, then our feet/ankles, then calves, working our way up to our faces. It’s super effective. They also tell us to put our worries in a “jar” at the top of our mat before class starts, and remind us that we can collect the worries before we leave (and in the interm, it’s not like the jar of worries will walk away), but no worries on the mat. I use that technique before bed now, and it’s made sleep so much better.

    • AJ

      I highly recommend the zen centers in NYC. There’s one in the upper 50s? I think, and the main one’s in Brooklyn. They have open meditation on weekends, and you don’t have to be Buddhist to go.

      • Lucy

        Not in NYC but I’ve also had excellent experiences with Zen centers – welcoming, totally not proselytizing, often with scheduled times for meditation, and really skilled at communicating the basics to beginners.

    • mamabear

      Hey Ru, my husband has two herniated discs in his neck. His symptoms weren’t headaches but rather arm and chest pain, which was scary because it mimicked a heart attack.

      He is trying to avoid surgery so he has been getting physical therapy for it, and they prescribed a home Saunders device for him, which is basically light traction for your neck. He’s supposed to lay on it for 15 minutes a day to stretch his neck. Realistically he does it 3 -4 times a week, but he’s had this issue for a few years now and has found his sweet spot.

      So – the reason I’m telling you this is that while he’s lying for 15 minutes on this device he can’t really do anything BUT meditate. He uses his iPod and zones out to some of the weird music he likes – Zappa, etc – which is meditative for him.

      Insurance paid for the Saunders device so you might consider looking into it! You can google Saunders Devices. There are quite a few models. My husband just bought the one his PT told him to buy.

      • Ru

        Hey mamabear! Are you still traveling to and from NYC? Let’s meet up! I’ll link to my email above.

        Back to the discussion at hand, I am going to physical therapy and the chiropractor. They both help in different and complementary ways (although if another person tells me the chiropractor is going to give me a stroke or will paralyze me can just deal with my pain). I now have the utter joy of tingling and jolts of pain in my arms as well. I understand that it’s normal to experience this while trying to relieve pinched nerves but it can be alarming.

        I have ordered a neck traction device and a TENS unit for my back muscles (they keep spasming). I force myself to lay down on heating pads and will the knots to loosen up when I get home from work (+ physical therapy or chiropractor, depending on the day). My binder is holding receipts for FSA submittals, although I will look into my health insurance covering everything. I also got a cool pillow to sleep on which looks and feels odd but is incredibly comfortable for me (I think it’s this one http://tinyurl.com/bx6dvrr – it provides some traction while I sleep).

        Good news: new neurologist doesn’t think I require a neurosurgery evaluation. But the prescription to learn how to relax is interesting. And frustrating. I’ve learned how to relax muscles in yoga practice as well but my muscles are being special snowflakes right now.

    • RosieAims

      I use a guided meditation called the Intuitive Way series by David Pearce and love it. I have three audio files — Grounding, Centering Yourself, and Reclaiming Your Space and I really like them all. He has a calm but not tedious voice, and tells you exactly what to do — my usual problem with attempting to meditate is that my mind wanders and this method really helps me focus. I’d be happy to send you the audio files if you want to give it a try! Email me at RosieAims******[email protected].

    • AnonPhD

      Look for local places that offer Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction training. It’s usually a 6 or 8 week program. You also may want to check out books by Jon Kabat Zinn. Link to MBSR original website to follow to avoid moderation.

  17. anon for this (Vacation TJ)

    My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in November. Last night, they announced that they want to take the entire family (them, my brother & his family, my husband & me, my mom’s younger sister, my dad’s younger sister & my dad’s sister’s grandkids) on a 5-night, 6-day cruise in the western Caribbean. They will pay for the cruise itself; we would be responsible for air fare, shore excursions & incidentals on board the ship.

    This year is also my husband’s & my 20th anniversary in June. We were thinking about a long weekend in Las Vegas.

    I like my family, but in small doses. Like a weekend at most, better is a day. Everyone in our family is prone to Very Strong Opinions that Must Be Expressed. While I have them, too, I’ve found it is simplest to not get into those discussions, because it just isn’t worth the pain.

    This is the kind of trip that my husband & I would discuss & dither over for weeks before we made a decision. The on & off discussion about Las Vegas has been simmering for about a month. My parents need a decision by Friday at noon, so they can put down the deposit on the staterooms. My brother & his wife have already said yes, and they’ve canceled the annual trip to Disney to do it.

    Could we afford to do both the Vegas trip & the cruise? Probably, with some very careful budgeting.

    With all of that … What do you think? Should we say yes?

    • JessC

      Well, my first thought is that 50th wedding anniversaries don’t come along very often. So based on the importance of the occassion, I would say yes, you should go.
      One thing to consider, though, is that cruise ships are really big and there’s lots to do (and therefore lots of ways to get away from your family). Would they expect to spend every moment of every day together or be ok with each family doing their own stuff during the day and everyone getting together at dinner?

    • saacnmama

      Yes, I think you should say yes.

      I’ve never been on a cruise, but from what I hear it’s easy to choose how much contact you will have with your cruise companions. Have dinner with them on their big night, then choose for yourself the activities you want to do. If necessary, focus on “couples” things so you have a ready excuse as to why you’d rather it be just the 2 of you.

      I think the hardest thing will be expressing gratitude that they’d probably like because they shelled out for a cruise. (I had a similar experience over Thanksgiving–cancelled other plans at my Mom’s request, and then Dad thought we should be all excited to do the things they chose). My advice is to thank them once, and then focus on your congratulations for them, how glad you are for the foundation they’ve given you with such a good long marriage, etc. My parents really appreciated those kind of comments during their recent 50th.

      If you’re forced to choose, then remember that you have another “big” anniversary in 5 years, but 55 isn’t such a big deal.

    • Anne Shirley

      Go for it! They’re getting on in years, this is probably a once in a lifetime chance, and cruises can be great with big families. Give them a heads up that you’ll be booking some awesome you and hubby only excursions, bring a good book or several, and proactively schedule a few whole family meals, so the focus doesn’t become total togetherness at all times.

    • EC MD

      I’m going through this right now with some added complexity in that my parents are divorced. My dad is offering to pay for a week at a beach house after one of my brothers wedding this summer; my mom is offering to pay for a week in Hawaii next spring to celebrate my step father’s 70th birthday as well as their 25th wedding anniversary.

      Both are exceedingly generous offers, but for a variety of reasons we are more likely to take my mother up on her offer rather than my father on his, and it gets really fraught as far as relationships, family, hurt feelings etc. My issue is that my step brother (we’ve been in the same family since we were 6 so it’s more like a brother) and his wife and their children are not really that fun to spend 5 days with. Plus we’ve got other commitments that month so it’ll make my call schedule a nightmare.

      But you didn’t ask this question to read multiple paragraphs about my situation. Anyways, if you go on the cruise could you set ground rules. My parents cruise with their friends a lot and the general rule is that they do what they want during the day but meet for dinner. Could that work with your family, or since your parents are paying are they expecting you to be attached at the hip at all times? Are there other ways you could make it more appealing? Do you have any interest in going to the Caribbean, or would you be going only to please your parents?

      I personally would try to make both trips work. Not to be maudlin, but my grandfather died shortly after his and my grandmothers 50th anniversary, pretty suddenly. While your family may be challenging, it may be worth it to enjoy what you can out of the trip and build those memories.

      • saacnmama

        Egads, EC, that sounds perfectly awful! Can you maybe spend a day or two at the beach house, then leave before you tear your hair out, because your patients need you, scheduling goofed up, or whatever (ie, don’t mention the other events & scheduling)?

    • Bewitched

      Agree that there are many, many opportunities to wander off and do something on your “own” while on the cruise. We did a family one several years ago, and only really saw other family members at meals. Even then, we could occasionally (one meal a day) beg off and say we wanted to have a solo meal. I imagine you could do the same, given your own anniversary and the huge (!) number of family members attending. But agree with posters above that it really depends on whether your parents want everyone to take the same excursions, sit at the same table for every.single.meal or if they will be flexible and let everyone do what they want.

    • De

      I went on a cruise with my BFF this past summer, and while we are very close, we do have that set point where we need alone time. And the cruise was perfect for it! I think it was the second to last day on the boat, I wanted to lay poolside, she wanted to do something else, and I think we both needed a little alone time. The one hard part is that we didn’t have cell phone service, but we eventually found eachother (I mean, you can’t leave a boat in the middle of the sea!) Plus, I think being that you are a couple, it wouldn’t be weird if you said “we are having a date night in the spa, we’ll meet up wtih you at breakfast!” Plus with excursions, maybe you can do one together and then one separate?

    • CW

      Traveling with family…. after a disastrous trip with my mom I’ve vowed to never take another trip with her again. That said, this is a special occasion for your entire family and I don’t think you should miss it. There are ways you can mitigate spending time with your family, unless your family is the type that expects to spend every second together. I’m sure the ship is large enough that you could find a separate pool to lounge by, or has indoor activities, and you and your husband could independently plan excursions. You’ll have to spend time with your family, but perhaps a cheerful, “so, we’ll see you at dinner!” could suffice.

      • NOLA

        People have heard about my disastrous vacation with the parents. My brother and I have vowed to never do it again. We just have too many differences in what we want to do and how we deal with things like schedules and meals. Yikes.

    • Gus

      Holy smokes, I was just dealing with this exact same issue with my in-laws! Next summer is their 50th anniversary, and the whole thing has been fraught with angst. My MIL keeps suggesting she wants the whole family to do something, but then coming up with crazy ideas that make no sense (like going to the Canary Islands for a long weekend because it’s “on the way” to Europe, where she then wants to continue her trip with just my FIL). We offered to throw a party for them, but she doesn’t like parties. She wants us all to go somewhere but then didn’t ever come up with anything that made any sense, so we thought the idea was dead. DH and I went ahead and booked our summer vacation, and then out of the blue this week, MIL starts emailing about how she wants everyone to go to Bermude for their anniversary, which unfortunately happens to be in the middle of the time that we’re away. Now she’s all pissed off that we didn’t check with her before we made our vacation plans. Part of the reason that we made our vacation plans for when we did is because it’s DH and my 20th anniversary. But apparently my MIL thinks that it’s more important to celebrate their anniversary than for us to be able to celebrate ours the way we want. Whatever.
      Anyway, to answer your question, I feel like you have some familial obligation to try to do something nice to recognize this important event. On the other hand, it’s their anniversary, not yours. I don’t think you should have to give up doing what you want to go on a trip that you don’t really want to go on and can’t quite afford. So I think you can explain this to them, but offer to do something else nice to celebrate.

      • Susedna

        Btw, I think it’s the height of cluelessness to harbor the delusion that your family enjoy traveling with you. Ditto friends.

        It has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with preferences. It’s the same reason why most of us at 30, 40, 50, etc. DON’T STILL LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH ALL OUR SIBLINGS AND OUR PARENTS. We all have our little habits and ways of doing things that are incompatible no matter how much we love each other.

        • Susedna

          Oops, forgot to add my coda: Gus, I’m so so sorry that your MIL harbors this delusion. Good luck!!

          • Gus

            It’s just one of many delusions she harbors. Her other suggestions for a long weekend trip were Bermuda, at the height of hurricane season, but she reasoned that it wouldn’t be a problem because she once went there during hurricane season and there was a tropical storm but it only rained for one day, so it was no big deal. Umm, ok, great logic. The third idea was a river cruise on the St. Lawrence River or the Great Lakes. Seriously? How exactly does that sound fun? And how about the fact that my BIL, who has a baby that will be 18 months old at the time, had already said that the one thing they weren’t even willing to consider doing was going on a cruise?

          • saacnmama

            So where does she want to go now? I thought you said Bermuda.

            You said they don’t want a party, but if she’s flinging out all these ideas, maybe she’d be amenable to suggestions. Moving the date around might work better if there’s a reason besides your trip. If they like a certain kind of music, or wine, or something else that you can find a (convenient, not too expensive or long) festival for, you could suggest that. Have their anniversary announced from the stage if you can.

          • Gus

            Oh no, we can’t move the date. It HAS to be on her actual anniversary. It can’t be before, because she’s got the whole Jewish superstition issue. And it can’t be after, because it “doesn’t count” as celebrating their anniversary unless it’s on the actual day. Unspoken subtext: if you’re not willing to do exactly what I want, no matter how un-fun or inconvenient for you, then you obviously don’t love me.

        • NOLA

          Totally agree about friends, too! My friend who joined me in NYC and I were so thrilled to discover how travel-compatible we are and we plan to do more of it. She travels with friends and lot and has discovered that she is incompatible with many of them. It can be the difference between a great trip and a disaster.

    • Susedna

      It just sounds from your post that you wouldn’t enjoy yourself. And that’s the main reason to not do it, even if you can make the budget work.

      Why let 1)someone else decide how you spend your vacation days 2)someone else decide how to spend your money (the airfare is on you and your DH? Especially when it sounds like after a couple days trapped on a boat with your family, you’d be ready to tear your hair out.

      Don’t let the fact that your brother & SIL have decided to go along pressure you. They may truly like this sort of thing (which sounds hellish to me given the dynamic you described), or they’re just brownnosing to curry favor. Regardless of their reasons, don’t feel like you have to go lockstep with them.

      Good luck!

      • saacnmama

        When that “someone else” is your parents, I think it’s a different story. Even if sibs are juvenile in “currying favor”, you can have your own, grown-up, reasons for wanting them [parents] to be happy as they age. If they can afford to pay this tab, it’d be hard to come up with a gift you could buy that would mean as much to them as seeing their family together and (outwardly) happy.

        Just reread the OP. Sounds like some kids will be traveling with their grandmother, but not their parents? Depending on how tolerable they are, you could use a “fun” excursion with them as another way to get time off from the whole famdamly.

        IDK what your line of work is, but surely it could provide a laptop or stack of papers for you to “work” on behind the closed door of your stateroom, with the French doors (that you might have to pay upgrade for) on the ocean side open while you and your hubby lounge about in the sunshine and sea breeze for an afternoon. And then you’d be so happy and relaxed at dinner with them that evening!

        • Susedna

          Some ideas just suck, whether or not they come from the parent or not.

          The happiness thing is a two-way street. The OP can make her parents happy in other ways than participating on what sounds like a not-very-enjoyable-for-OP vacation. If the parents are insistent that this is the only way the OP can make them happy, then the parents are narcissists, and there’s just no point in trying to make narcissists happy.

          • saacnmama

            They might not be narcissists, just run-of-the-mill parents who’ve busted their *sses off raising these kids says the mama who has spent 1.5 hrs at the pediatricians, 1 hr meeting with the OT, and a couple hours driving kiddo this week and is volunteering at the school library in the morning.

          • anon for this (Vacation TJ)

            My husband is put off by the fact that my parents have yet to acknowledge that it’s a milestone for us (my mom’s sister already has, and wants to buy us a bottle of champagne on board). Since they didn’t want us to get married in the first place, it still stings when they don’t give us credit for making it when they were vocal about being sure we wouldn’t.

            I kind of like the idea of the cruise. It isn’t something we’ve ever done. My husband is kinda “eh, floating hotel” about it. I know there is a lot to do on board, once we know which specific ship we’d be on and can start booking advance reservations for things.

            I love my parents, and I even like them most of the time. Ditto with my brother & his family, and my aunts, for that matter. I don’t know my aunt’s grandchildren well enough to say more than “they’re nice kids”.

            We are about 80% sure we’re saying yes at this point. (Many emails have gone back & forth between us this morning on the subject.) One of the questions we have is what kind of stateroom they’re planning on for us. Our thought is that we want something on the outside, with a balcony, and we’re prepared to pay for the cost above & beyond what they’ve budgeted for. If that means we lose the Las Vegas trip this year, well, we’ll go in 2014 and spend more than a long weekend.

          • Susedna

            Their busting their @sses is not a loan that allows parents to collect on future interest. If you believe that giving life and raising a life is a gift, as I do, then you don’t try to collect on favors/etc. in the future. Because if there are hooks attached and obligations expected, then it’s not a real gift. It’s called: codependency.

            Classic codependency is: “I did X for you, so you have to let me control you by picking A,B, and C.” Not saying this is the OP’s parents, but if we follow your comment to its bitter, logical end, that’s what you get. Titfortat ledger-keeping and resentments.

            Nobody forced them to be parents, they chose to bring those kids into the world and they probably chose to do the volunteering at the library. It does NOT create an obligation for the kids to sign onto unenjoyable vacations 50yrs later.

          • saacnmama

            Oh my, Susedna, so sorry that that’s your understanding of caring for those who have cared for us! Yes, I signed up to volunteer at the library and I chose to have a child and I make a lot of choices that mean I give up what I would otherwise be doing on my own. The unscheduled medical visits this week mean that it’s unlikely I’ll get my writing done, putting me behind on my career comeback. The best gift he gave me this Christmas was not the calendar he made at school, or even the card to go with it. It was when I was looking back glumly at my lack of career accomplishments in 2012 and he told me that as a parent I’d accomplished a lot. Looking at how far he’s come this year, I know he’s right. I am so grateful for a son who is able to understand, even at age 10, that family sometimes means putting others first. I don’t resent it, but I appreciate his acknowledging it, and am glad that he seems to be following that example.

            OP, that stings that they’re not acknowledging your milestone! Could it be that they just aren’t including yours in their plans because the dates are 5 months apart? Good luck to you!

          • Susedna

            I’m not sorry and neither are my parents. If my parents ever need any help, they know I’m there.

            But my parents also know that when I spend time with them, it’s because I truly connect with them and like them, and that I enjoy their company. It’s not because I feel they’re an “obligation.” And that I somehow owe them because they wiped my @ss when I was 6 months old.

            They know my feelings are sincere and out of love and true connection, not because of “duty,” and to them, that’s 1000x more valuable that having favors to cash in. They know I call them because I think what they say is interesting and awesome; they don’t have to guilt me, and they don’t have to pay for a cruise to make me hang out with them. Nor are their insecurities so great that my opting out of a cruise (which I hate, btw) would hurt their feelings.

            I think you’re projecting your own codependency with your kid that another poster had called you out on. Don’t assume that what you want from your kid is what other parents want, or that it is necessarily right for everyone else.

          • cc

            Jeez susenda. I think we all do things we don’t like because we love the person sometimes. I would be hurt if someone didn’t go to my wedding because they were like oh I hate new hampshire. That doesn’t make me a narcissist!And I dont think saacnamara said anything codependent. The general consesus is that she should go. You have been rather rough on people who disagree with you lately.

          • Anon

            I don’t think Saacnmama was suggesting that we all owe 1000% filial duty to our parents, so I’m not sure it’s appropriate to jump on her with snark and insults. I think she’s just suggesting that if the cruise is not an intolerable situation, it’s nice to put aside some of the family drama concerns to celebrate a once in a lifetime event. I agree with her, and it appears others above agree as well.

          • Anon

            I also wonder if saacnmama’s perspective is colored by the fact that her parents are financially supporting her right now, contributing to a sense of “owing them one” by going along with plans.

            Also – holy h*ll but why on earth would you share with your 10 year old son that you hadn’t accomplished your career goals this year, implying that it was because you were taking care of him instead, prompting him to reassure you that you are a great mom? Not a child psychologist but that seems like unnecessary information for your kiddo.

          • Brahbrah

            Well, I for one appreciate what Susedna’s saying here. My parents are unpleasant, they made my teenage years even worse than teenage years naturally are, and they lorded any power they had over me until I was finally able to break all dependency on them at age 21. I do feel tied to them by guilt, not particularly by affection, and I don’t think it’s healthy, and I appreciate it when people remind me that I don’t owe them anything for my existence in the world.

          • Anon

            Saacnmama – I find that the tone of your comments here cab be off-putting (example – the first sentence of your comment at 12:57). I don’t agree with or disagree with you or Susedna, but the tone of comments like yours can take away from the comments on this blog. Something to keep in mind.

        • hellskitchen

          I think it’s important to know that there’s a lot of context about parent-child relationships and history that make each case different. Both mine and my DH’s parents sacrificed a lot to raise us and give us a good start in life. However my relationship with my parents is drama free whereas my according to my DH, his parents were emotionally distant and manipulative while he was growing up and continue to be so. He admits that he spends time with them because he does love them as well as out of a sense of obligation rather than because he truly enjoys it. Their relationship is not outright contentious but isn’t as drama free as mine is with my parents. So yes, ideally we should do things for people we love but sometimes even in loving relationships, you have to say no, based on the specific context. The OP’s question seems to be more about spending money on the cruise v/s Las Vegas… she didn’t mention any particularly contentious family issues so it seems like she should go especially if it minor inconvenience for her but makes her parents very happy

    • Anastasia

      I think you should go. Ditto what everyone else said about cruise ships being big and that you’re likely to see the whole family only at meals, and ditto also that 50th anniversaries are special and your parents deserve to celebrate with their family.

      How often does the whole family get together? If you see everyone at each major holiday every year, you miiiight be able to get away with an excuse, but if you’re like my family… the last time we were all in one place was a weekend trip for my grandparents’ 50th anniversary. I know it meant a lot to them to look around and see all the children and grandchildren their 50 years together had blessed them with, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from my parents. (Moot point, since my parents are divorced, but whatever.)

      • Two Cents

        You should definitely go. 50th is a huge milestone and there are some instances where showing up is crucial, and this is one of those instances. I agree with others that given that this is a cruise situation, you can try and carve out some time to try and do things on your own, so that you don’t feel obligated to hang out with the rest of the family the entire time.

      • Sugar Magnolia

        I also think that your concern about family members expressing their “very strong opinions” will not be as big a deal when you all have your mutual adventure to discuss. Of course, if you just don’t like your family, and were trying to express your distaste in a “nice” way, then don’t go. But if the only issue is that they are opinionated, I agree that your parents only have one 50th anniversary and you should go!

    • Senior Attorney

      I would do it. Cruises are super fun, cruise ships are big enough for lots of not-with-the-family time, and a 50th anniversary is a pretty big deal.

      And if you are a big planner/interwebs addict, check out http://www.cruisecritic.com to find out everything and more than you ever wanted to know about cruising.

  19. De

    I think I killed my fingernails. Right after Christmas, I noticed there were a few that were split and peeling, one was actually painful. I made sure not to put any nail polish on for the past three weeks or so, kept the nails short, moisturizing…but some are still peeling, and one looks like it’s gone quite into the quick. Anyone have any tips on how to get them to heal?

    • JessBee

      No advice on fixing, but I’d check in with your doctor – a sudden change in nails could be a sign of health issues (thyroid issues, for example, can cause brittle breaking nails).

    • SW

      I swear by Nailtiques Formula 2 Plus – I’ve used it for about 10 years now. You can order it from Ulta. It’s clear nail polish with protein in it and I haven’t found anything better for splitting/peeling nails.

  20. chocochat

    Urgh, I too love this dress… but it’s too long (or I’m too short for it rather), and I fear that a hem would also cut into its charms. Sigh :(

    • saacnmama

      Wow, I saw it and sighed at yet another above-the-knee length dress, because I really prefer longer.

      Viva la difference!

      • chocochat

        I have nothing against longer dresses, but because I’m 5ftnaught, any dress longer than 34″ would make me look like a little girl playing dress up with mom’s clothes

  21. zane

    Anyone have recommendations for a place in NYC or Brooklyn to get a coat re-lined? it’s a nice leather jacket that was my most expensive clothing purchase ever when I bought it, and I still love it, so I’m willing to pay more for a place that won’t mess it up!

    • zane

      haha just read all the comments, and this is a coat-lining-heavy thread. guess all of us are jealous of the leopard print in the dress…

    • AIMS

      There’s a great tailor at 1175 Lexington Ave, at 80th. 212 535 9458. Should be no problem and he is more reasonably priced than most good tailors.

  22. Emmabean

    Do you guys remember the brand Quincy that Kat recommended a few weeks ago? Any reviews now that the orders have arrived?

    Also, PSA, it’s being sold at a discount today on ideeli – which is why I’m asking!

    Thanks in advance!

    • LLBMBA

      I ordered the slik tie-blouses on a discount (from $118 to $44-ish). I LOVE them. I ordered the long size, because although I am average height, I have an incredibly long torso, so tops are always short.

      Also – I ordered to Canada (which you just have to email them to do) and got them in 4 days. I did have to pay for shipping because I was ordering to Canada, but it still worked out to a great deal.

    • anne-on

      I ordered a dress from them in the January sale they were having. For the price (even full price) I thought it was a very well made piece, nice that it was fully lined, and fit pretty true to size. All in all, I’d order from them again, especially once you know what your size is with them.

    • Constant Comment

      I got the black suiting dress and one of the silk tie blouses at 30% off and I’m very happy with them, particularly the dress. I’m 5’2 but the petite one I ordered’s proportions were off on me and I wasn’t sure if another size would work better, so I live-chatted with them through the website and they found my order, suggested that I get the non-petite and sent it out to me free that day as a second size. I ended up keeping the regular one and after some tailoring tweaks it’s the nicest work dress I’ve ever had- the material drapes beautifully and it looks very polished.

      The blouse I like too, especially that the tie buttons off for optionality, the silk is really nice and the print is adorable. My only quibble is that the sleeves are a little full but slimming them would be a quick tailor fix.

      I will definitely be shopping there again

      • Constant Comment

        whoa, just looked at Ideeli and these prices are a steal for the quality. I say buy! I might give the cigarette pants a try.

  23. Anon

    Has anyone applied for a clerkship a few years after graduating/practicing? I’m in biglaw, and think that I could get 2 letters of recommendation from current partners. I’m wondering if there are any tips or recommendations for this whole process. At this point I imagine I’m looking at the 2014-15 term, so it seems really early. Is it too early?

    • LeChouette

      It’s almost never too early to apply for clerkships. Some Judges hire years in advance. This spring is actually probably the right time to apply; the 2Ls will be applying for 14-15 around Labor Day, and you will want to beat them.

      While you’re a few years out, I would encourage you to get one academic rec if you can (more important for appellate but Id’ still recommend it for district court). I suppose this depends how many is a “few years” — if more than 3 then probably your law firm recs will be fine.

      Good luck!

    • Gail the Goldfish

      It’s not too early. There are already a number of postings for the 2014 term on OSCAR. This is especially true if you’re wanting a competitive district court clerkship or appellate clerkship as those judges seem to hire earlier.

    • Clerking now

      Never too early. The judge I am clerking for has hired out to 2015 already.

    • Legally Brunette

      My federal appellate judge hired me 3 years in advance. Definitely not too early to apply!

  25. Anon for this

    Hi guys,
    I’m sharing this here, anonymously, because I don’t know who else I can tell.
    I’m pregnant. Not planned. Discovered this yesterday. I don’t know what to do. I’m married, and my husband and I have talked about children in the future, but I have said I’m not ready. He told me yesterday that he’d like to have this baby, but it’s my choice. Earlier this year, we had a discussion about kids and it resulted in me growing multiple white hairs (my first ones!) and feeling so out of breath that I thought there was something wrong with me. I went to the doctor and she told me I was having panic attacks and put me on an anti-anxiety medication. Instead of taking the medication, I told my husband what was going on, he backed off on kids, and I immediately felt better.

    I have a very well paying, time-consuming job that I hate. I just turned 30 and decided that this was going to be my year to move on and find something closer to a “calling” even though it will pay far less. I also finally decided to swallow my fears and pursue a creative passion that I’ve had since I was a kid, but always felt was too “silly” or self-indulgent. It’s only been a month, but I love it and could maybe envision finding a way to do it as a career, but I think i’m probably years away from that, skills-wise. My husband is in a creative field and makes almost nothing (less than minimum wage). We live a 2.5 hour flight away from any of my family members and most of our close friends. Our 400 square foot apartment is perfect and cozy for us, but I don’t know where we would fit another human being. We live in one of the highest COL places in the U.S.

    I’m at work and I’m so distracted, I can’t think about anything else. I want to share this with someone, but my two best friends are both trying to conceive and both struggling with infertility. I don’t feel like I can share this with them without hurting them. I’m not ready to share with my mom or my siblings. I have other friends, but I just don’t feel ready to tell them.

    Not looking for anything specific, I just have to get this off my chest. Thanks.

    • anon for this

      I’m glad you can vent here. To give you some good news: a baby doesn’t take up much space. So you have time with the apartment.

      I have to say reading this was timely for me. Your description of not being ready and the white hairs and anxiety really rung true with me as I had a similar discussion with my H this week and I have been having heart palpitations over the idea of pregnancy/childbirth/losing my identity. I am older than you, older than the dreaded 35 ancient preggo age (snark). My H’s response is that millions of women have babies and and millions of couples like us manage just fine. Ugh yes but I am still anxious. wish I had more advice to give you but I wanted to say other people feel the way you do. Reading your vent reminded me that others do feel anxious etc, which helped me in this age of glorifying everything related to pregnancy/mothers/babies etc.

      Wishing you all the best.

      • anon for this

        I wanted to clarify: you have time with the apartment if you choose to have the baby. I did not mean to make any assumptions, just poor writing.

      • Anon for this (OP)

        Thank you so much for posting this. My husband says that same thing about everyone else always being able to “figure it out.” and my response is always like yours, “ugh yes but i’m still anxious!” Also, yes they “figure it out” sure, as in, they raise a healthy child, but who knows what is really going on in other people’s lives? On the surface, my husband and I probably look like we’ve got it all “figured out” too, and are in a perfect place to have a child. Anyways, thank you so much, this really comforted me.

    • SympathyRette

      So, what are your reasons for wanting a baby? If there aren’t any, I think you would have a hard time justifying not terminating. [That is what you are considering, right?]

      You should probably talk to a therapist about the anxiety. (I don’t think meds are generally going to resolve anything, unless you look at the underlying cause for your panic)

      I can say that I had a lot of anxiety about becoming a mother, but I knew I really (deep down) would regret not having a baby, so I went for it. While it can be hard, I also think that it is only really difficult for a year or two, and that the reward is greater than the inconvenience.

    • Anne Shirley

      Deep breaths. You can do this- whatever this you decide to choose. Can you and your husband spend some time this weekend thinking trough options? All of them, even the uncomfortable ones, like maybe he gets a better paying job so he’s contributing more to the care of your child or experiment with how you could rearrange the apt for a baby? You don’t have to figure everything out right away.

    • Jo March

      Wow, that’s tough. And I may not be the least biased person to answer this as I’m 36 and starting to get antsy about when TTC is going to start.

      That said: Are you guys *sure* that you want to have kids later on? Because if you are, you’re still pretty young, really, and now you know that you’re both fertile and you can get knocked up. On the other hand, if you think there are ways you can get your life in order in time for this to work out, well, no time is perfect for kids (is what my friends with kids keep telling me, lol).

      Either way: depending on where you live and what kind of ridiculous anti-choice laws may be in place, you should have some time to decide. Don’t decide right away (obviously, lol). And find out more from hubby about how he feels. Does he want this one bad enough that he’s willing to make changes in his own life so that having it is practically/economically feasible? Because if he’s not, and the thought gives you panic attacks…well, that’s a pretty big deal.

      This is such a hard decision, especially if it was completely unexpected and you didn’t have an idea of what you’d do if this happened, before it happened. Big hugs and internet sympathy. Plus tea and cupcakes.

      • Sugar Magnolia

        @JoMarch: I agree that there is no perfect time to have kids. I will say that I wish I had done it much sooner (I am 5 years older than you!) I was surprised that:
        I spent less than I thought I would on baby items (thought we couldn’t afford to have a child now),

        that we really don’t mind our cramped apartment (we could use more space, but we would be saying that no matter how big our place was),

        and that I am getting used to the idea that my wild days in my 20s and 30s are now safely in the rear-view (I had enough wild times and now can still have fun, but “different” fun)

        And while things aren’t the same at home or at work, I am adjusting to my new life and am glad I made this choice.

    • saacnmama

      I think it’s great that you’re so aware of what you’d give up if you choose to keep this child. A couple ideas:

      Could your husband, who’s more “into” having a child, take on the main parenting role, even if it means cutting back on his work hours?

      If you worry, as some do, that abortion would be ending a life before it began, would you be more comfortable with adoption?

      Is there any way to combine the passion with the child’s development, so that you’re on target to make a living from it at the same time little one starts kindergarten or something?

      Topic on the Totebag blog yesterday, in case you decide you do want to keep this baby, was baby gear for a Manhattan apt even smaller than yours.

      • saacnmama

        forgot to say the one thing that helped me decide I was ready for a child: I was scared to death of teen-age years until a friend pointed out that they don’t come out as teen-agers. You work up to that. So when you think of the part that scares you, think of how far off it is and whether you can be ready for it by then, not 8.5 mos from now. DS is definitely a tween, and I’m far more optimistic about staying close through his teen years than most parents I know, because I’ve made sure to build connection all along.

      • Susedna

        I really like these ideas. Especially asking the husband if he’d be willing to the “51% parent”.

        ;-)

        • saacnmama

          Actually I was thinking of a more complete reversal of traditional roles, not just 1% more for him.

          • Susedna

            You know, one of my cousins did this.

            While dating her guy (now her DH), she was always upfront that she didn’t want children ever. He said he accepted that. They dated 5 yrs. She never wavered. They got married, and then he started bugging her about kids all the time. She told him, “I was upfront with you, I never wanted kids. If you keep pressing, then we’re going to have to divorce because what we want is incompatible.” He asked if she’d consider it if he did pretty much 90% of the work and let her be like those 1950s husbands– who just swoop in to play with the kids and all the good stuff, leaving all the scutwork to 1950s Mom.

            She reluctantly agreed. And they have 2 lovely daughters now. He does 90% of the work, and she enjoys 10% of the work, and they’re still together. I don’t judge them for what they decided to do. It seems to be working for them, and the last time I saw those two girls, they looked pretty well-adjusted and happy. Different strokes for different folks. It’s definitely a complete reversal of the gender roles as you say, and it’s totally working for them. I’d never say it was or wasn’t for anyone, because you just never know with the infinite variety of humankind.

          • Sugar Magnolia

            My husband changes 90% of the diapers in our house, and wakes up with me and baby during the night to do change her and help me get the coffee pot set up/pump parts clean/anything else I need. He also stays home with the baby while I work full time. I was about 80% sure I wanted a child, and he was 110% sure, so he does more of the day-t0-day “baby maintenance” than I do. It works well for us. I think it’s at about 60/40.

    • anne-on

      Take some time and really think through what you want. Yes, babies are wonderful, and truly don’t take up much space or need much stuff.
      However, they are a *lot* of work. I love my son dearly, but he was a very difficult infant due to undiagnosed allergies. That on top of the usual colds/ear infections/sleep issues/etc. that accompany early childhood makes me very sympathetic to people who say they do not want to deal with an infant. It is a very large time/energy/emotional commitment and honestly, I can’t imagine doing this without having been 100% on board with the idea of having a child.

      • saacnmama

        anne-on, I kept thinking, throughout my baby’s infancy, that it was too bad I’d never worked as a waitress with long shifts, Somehow the endless little things ad infinitum made me think that serving customers would have been good preparation. Maybe that was just the tiredness talking!

    • Lifetime movie fantasy?

      I”m so sorry you are dealing with this. My idea involves such a fantasy utopia that I was embarrassed to post under my real name. Any chance one of your friends with trouble TTC would want to adopt this baby with a private open adoption? You and your husband get to continue living your lives, they get the baby they want, you get to remain part of the baby’s life as an “auntie”? It would take four very mature people to make that work. I know you would still have to go through being pregnant and labor and delivery but if seems it would be a little easier to say “I’m doing this for a close friend that can’t conceive” rather than saying “I’m putting this baby up for adoption.” I am also 100% pro-choice and abortion is an answer too. Just wanted to think outside the box.

    • reg anon

      I am so sorry – this is a tough place to be in! I don’t know if this will help but I can share my story – I put off kids the first 5 years of marriage for similar reasons… didn’t feel ready, wanted to focus on my career etc. I kept thinking we’ll do it when I “feel ready”. I am now pregnant and this was planned but to be honest, I feel no more ready now than I did 5 years ago. My career is going well but some of the same questions of “since I’ll have a baby, I can’t take up this new opportunity” are cropping up. We live in NYC in a 1 bdrm and the idea of having to move for more space + finances is freaking me out. That said, I see some of my colleagues who chose to have kids earlier and I honestly don’t think their careers were impacted too much more than mine will be when I have a baby. Also I went through a few months of anxiety when I was TTC so if trying earlier would have meant avoiding that anxiety I would have gone for it. Perhaps you can think about what your ideal age would be for having kids? Whether it’s 5-6 years down the line or just a couple of years – that might help you make the right decision for yourself and your family. Good luck!!

    • Anon for this (OP)

      Thank you all for your generous and thoughtful replies. You don’t know how reassuring it is to have support from this community. I feel very alone right now and you all have made me feel less alone. And you’ve given me good, practical, ways to think about this, rather than just “agggh!”
      Thank you.

      • anon

        I’m sorry you’re going through this. Depending on your relationship with female relatives, maybe you can talk to them. My cousin ended up pregnant at 22 and ended up terminating, but only after having spoken with many people and considering all her options. Turns out that both my aunt (her mom) and my mom (SILs) had both had something similar happen and both ended up terminating. Hugs.

    • anon for this

      I also got pregnant accidentally after a failure of two forms of birth control. I am the breadwinner and I have an extremely demanding job. I never wanted to have children. My husband wanted kids but chose to marry me knowing I was unwilling to have them. I chose to have the baby because I think abortion is wrong for me. (I am not trying to start a debate or cast aspersions on people who feel differently or make different choices. I am only speaking about my own feelings for myself and my own experience.) My child is a little over a year old. On the one hand, I love my child and generally enjoy spending time with him/her, and he/she has made his/her grandparents very happy. On the other hand, having kids is really hard, even if you are fully committed to having them. If you are more equivocal, it makes it even harder. The first year is brutally difficult and I still haven’t gotten used to having absolutely no downtime or me time at all ever. It has also very nearly destroyed my marriage. In all honesty, I think about running away from my life at least once a week. But you want kids down the road, so if you have the baby, maybe your experience will be better. Sorry for being so negative. I’ve had this comment typed for about 15 minutes and have been deciding whether to click “post” but as no one else who had an accidental pregnancy has posted, at least as far as I can tell now, I thought I would chime in.

      I will say that the space constraints aren’t a huge issue. We have friends whose baby’s “room” is a 5′ by 6′ corner of their living room.

      • Anon for this (OP)

        Thank you, thank you, thank you for hitting “submit” on this. It’s a point of view that people don’t often (or ever) really share, even to those close to them, and its valuable to hear. Thank you for posting. I’m sorry you had to make such a difficult decision, and I hope that things get a little easier for you.

      • accidental anon

        I had an accidental pregnancy, also, at a terrible time. We had just received deployment orders for my husband, who was a reservist, in that crazy post 9/11 time. We had one child, and it was hard enough juggling my career with that one. We were using birth control; it failed somehow. So I was facing being alone, with a job and a toddler and a newborn, and my husband in a war zone. I ended up having the baby and now he’s 10 years old and I love him to pieces and can’t even imagine life without him. It was tough, and I remember being very worried about it all during the pregnancy, but in the end my workplace was incredibly helpful, and I was able to keep my career going. Mostly I remember the shock of that pregnancy test, and that horrid feeling in my stomach like this big awful unplanned thing just happened, and life would never be the same. It was just shocking and took a long time to get used to it. Once I was in the nuts & bolts planning stage, I felt more in control and better about it.

    • Elle

      Unless you are trapped where you are, why not move back to where your family and friends are? Your husband makes very little money so he’s not trapped. You can maybe even do the same job but in a cheaper area and at a smaller organization. I actually think this could be worse. Not saying you have to have the baby (you don’t) but you can basically make a clean break.

    • Anon

      I have been there, only when I was much younger than you are. It is a hard decision to make, and no matter what you decide, your life will be changed from here on out. Of course, no matter what you ultimatley decide, I really do believe that you will be ok. There is lots to think about and no one but you can decide what is the right decision.

      I ultimatley decided to continue with the pregnancy, and now have a 12 year old daughter (and two more little ones who came along later and when I was in a much more stable place). But we made it and she is thriving and was with me every step of the way as I have built a life for us and a career that I hope makes her proud.

      Good luck in whatever you ultimatley decide is best for you and your family.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in such a difficult place. I’d highly, highly recommend some short-term talk therapy. You need an impartial sounding board, which you are not going to get from your husband, parents, or friends. I found therapy very helpful in sorting out my feelings about motherhood. Unless you get your anxiety about parenthood, it will be even more difficult to make a decision about this from a point of strength and peacefulness, you know?

      Good luck.

  26. Herbie

    So what does everybody think about the Manti Te’o situaish? Was he in on it? The victim?

    • Lady Harriet

      It sounds too fishy to me for him not to have been in on it. From the Deadspin article, it sounded like he and his family claimed to have met her several times, and now they’re backtracking from that. My guess is that it was a bid to get sympathy votes for the Heisman, but who really knows? It definitely won’t help him in the draft.

      • NOLA

        I listened to several of the ESPN shows on the topic. The consensus from their draft analysts and former coaches is that it will not affect his draft standing.

        Mike & Mike (actually is was Mike Greenberg and Mark Schlereth this morning) both decided that if ND is backing him so completely and they did their own investigation, there must be truth to him being a victim because ND would not take a chance on being embarrassed by it. There are also some weird claims by Polynesian players who say they’ve met the girl. No idea how this is going to come out.

        • cc

          There is only one who said that. No matter what, he is a liar. It is just did he lie about the whole thing, or did he tell lies but still believe she was real. He can’t be a complete victim, because he told ND he found out about the scam on Dec 6, but on Dec 8 he told the media that his family had died of cancer and his girfriend had died of cancer. umm what?

          And I actually find it much more suspicious that ND would back him completely. They have a history of backing rapists on their team, so I don’t think that argument holds any water.

          • Susedna

            cf: Penn State, Sandusky
            cf: BBC, Jimmy Savile
            etc.etc.

            Never underestimate how much an institution will lie and cover up to protect a cash cow or an iconic figure that’s useful for the institution’s prestige or cash flow.

          • Susedna

            @cc, yup. Was totally agreeing with you, even without knowing about ND’s history of covering up rapes.

            Was googling on this matter, and am disgusted and revulsed by what I’ve found in just a simple google search for articles. What’s really sad is that they’re not the only school where this has happened.

          • Anon

            Have seen a couple of columns already pointing out that ND seems to have done more of an investigation on the Te’0 story that what happened to Lizzy Seeberg, which is one of the uglier aspects of this whole thing.

          • cc

            Oh. Cf usually signals disagreement. But yes, I don’t trust ND at all. I won’t hold it against Te’o but certaintly don’t find it persuasive in his favor. I think the most daming thing is the Dec 6 find out, December 8 talk about the girlfriend. Even if he wasn’t ready to tell the world, I don’t think you mention the gf once you know its not real.

            The catfish guy says he is on the case

          • Susedna

            I’d never heard that “cf” was used to indicate disagreement. I have always used it to indicate that I’m about to give some examples of what I was thinking about in order to be more specific.

            Am I not up on internet slang?

          • cc

            You are a lawyer yes? I was assuming you were using it like a legal citation. For what you want I think e.g. would be more appropriate.

          • cfm

            cf means Compare, usually meant to contrast. giving examples would be see or i.e. or e.g.

            For years, Americans’ favorite fruit has been the apple. Cf 1982, when the great apple shortage lead to bannanas being the favorite.

          • Marilla

            Cf. does mean compare, and it works for both compare (like examples, or “see also”) and contrast (unlike example). I’m sure some people use it more one way than the other… like Susedna, I typically read it as a like example and less often as a contrasting example.

          • Susedna

            @ cc: Nope. Not a lawyer. (I’d be curious what % of us on here are lawyers. I know it’s a high % , not sure if it’s the vast majority anymore. Please, please, Kat, can we do an occupation survey?)

            But appreciate that I learned something somewhat lawyerish (or, rather, ‘lawyer-ese’) today! Thanks all. :-)

          • NOLA

            Actually there were at least three analysts who said this wouldn’t hurt him in the draft.

            I hate to believe it but now I heard tonight that ND students have said he was making fun of reporters who would ask him about the “dead girlfriend.”

    • Statutesq

      He absolutely lied. The motivation for lying is still questionable. I think, he had to be in on it at some point. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may have been duped initially and then began lying to avoid embarrassment. Either way I think it’s a shame, and thank goodness he didn’t win the Heisman.

    • Anon

      No matter what the real situation is, I think the only certainty is that Lance Armstrong’s PR team is high-fiving each other.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Look up the story of Dave on Wheels and the Chive. People will do some really crazy things. I also belonged to an internet message board similar to this but for Crohns and a regular poster suddenly had a boyfriend, then she was in the hospital and the boyfriend was posting for her and then she was dying and then she had died. The moderator of the board learned that the entire thing was a big scam. Everyone thought it was true because she had been a regular poster for years. With Dave on Wheels, the scam was created over 10 years. He never got any money for it. It was just a persona. When the Chive finally did a fundraiser for him, the truth came out.

          • anon

            not a ton. She still is on once in a while but much less. Really fed off the sympathy, but I found many holes in some stories.

          • Anonymous

            She’s talking about K in NYC – the one who had a billion problems with work, then people out to get her, then pets dying, then having no money, etc etc etc

          • Tired Squared

            Seriously?? Anon @2:24pm or anon @3:21pm, I understand that not everyone gets along around here, but if you’re talking about specific people, at least be direct and don’t hide behind an Anonymous name.

        • K...in transition

          Nope, she is apparently me… right now, I’m working in a new job, living in a new city, and have a blanket made with the face of my pup on it. I came here to see how everyone was doing because I’d been busy with my new job and am truly sad to read this.

          Here’s the thing; sometimes there are horrible women who can’t take other women succeeding. Sometimes a pet gets sick and you spend over 10k to give them the best care possible. Sometimes the economy sucks and finding new work becomes difficult. And sometimes those things happen in the same year.

          As much as all that has sucked though, I’d prefer surviving it to being someone who is so cynical and heartless that you presume someone else’s life is a lie AND feel the need to bring it up on a public forum almost a year after.

  27. Amerisave is horrible

    All, just a warning. I am refinancing my mortgage via Amerisave and it is the worst experience with a banking institution that I have ever had. Do NOT use them.

    I have an incredible credit score and very good income yet they have made this the most difficult process ever. We are now into month two and still no closing date has been set. I have submitted close to 50 pieces of financial information that they have requested. Including multiple variations of the same forms.

    Seriously, please learn from my mistake here. This company is horrible.

    I have previously used USAA for my mortgage but amerisave gave me a slightly better rate so I thought I would go with them. What an error. I would pay money to actually get my questions answered and deal with a reasonable level of customer service.

    • Sugar Magnolia

      I haven’t heard of this company before, but will definitely avoid it in the future. Thanks for the head’s up!

  28. Cb

    Thanks to those who recommended the Knomo this week. The handbag is too big (and weirdly doesn’t have a laptop compartment inside) but the laptop handled sleeve is perfecto. Really pretty and exactly what I needed.

  29. Susie

    Just a heads up, and sorry if I’m starting to sound like a broken record. It looks like we may be planning a meetup for drinks in SF on Saturday night and a lunch in Palo Alto on Monday to cover all our Bay Area bases.

  30. Thank You Notes?

    I’m sure this has been done to death, and I’ve been over to the Ask a Manager site, but I’m still unsure if I should send a thank you after my last interview. This was round 3, with a higher-up / executive that I highly doubt is seeing too many candidates. Basically I’m thinking of something short, like: “I really enjoyed meeting with you yesterday and learning more about the exiting possibility of working with XXXX. I think that my working style fits perfectly with XXX’s innovative and fast-paced atmosphere. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, and I look forward to hearing from you!”

    The interviewer spent a LOT of time talking about how I was clearly qualified and that it was about fitting in with the culture and being ok with a fast-paced, not doing the same thing every day position.

    Thank you hive!

    • Susie

      Is there a reason you wouldn’t send a thank you? Like you interviewed with the same person round 2? I send one after every interview for each person I met with.

    • Thank You Notes?

      No specific reason not to, but I thought to check out Ask a Manager and saw a lot of discouraging things over there that said not to. I usually do, but it has been a long time since I went through this formal of an interview process. My last two positions I was offered on the spot, so no chance for a thank you.

  31. Merabella

    What do we think of these boots? Link to follow. Obviously for casual wear. Worth the pricetag?

  32. Susie

    Does anyone have a steam washer & dryer? We are looking at replacing ours and my husband is convinced we need to get the steam ones. It sounds like their energy efficiency is good, but is it worth it? Do clothes come out less wrinkled?

    • Frou Frou

      Just got one installed today, as a matter of fact! But sadly, I have no idea how it works, because it’s still washing it’s first load. LOL. But, I will report back after trying it out for a few days!

    • Steam Dryer answer

      (Sorry if this reply came too late.) We had a steam washer/dryer combo in an apartment last year, and we HATED it. Clothes always felt damp, even when dried twice. The damp steam left a weird smell. And our clothes always came out wrinkled…the steam gets so hot, that the dryer locks for several minutes after the dry cycle is finished. So everything just sits and wrinkles. That stupid washer/dryer was a constant source of frustration for us! I’m so glad we’re now in a different home with a traditional washer/dryer. I will never have a steam set again!!

  34. AbbieG

    Longtime lurker here, first time commenter. Kat, I enjoy your blog so much, but I found this particular post misleading. You refer to the dress as “seasonless wool,” which is one of my favorite fabrics. I almost bought it before I read this on the product page: “Shell: 62% Polyester, 32% Rayon, 6% Spandex. Lining: 94% Polyester, 6% Spandex.” I have no idea if this is seasonless, but sadly it is not wool…

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions