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Update: these lounge leggings are marked down to $39-$45 in the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.
July 2024 Update: The biggest sale of the year — the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale — starts July 15! (Unfamiliar with the NAS? Check out this page for more info on why it's the best sale of the year.) Sign up for our newsletter to stay on top of all the major workwear sales, or check out our roundup of the latest sales on workwear!
The below content is about the 2020 Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.
I'm going to round up some of the most-bought items from the 2020 Nordstrom Anniversary Sale (ending soon) — I hadn't noticed these soft leggings with pockets from Zella before, but these are near the top of the list!
They look great for working from home, chilling out, and maybe even doing some light yoga or barre. I love that they're made from a mixture of recycled polyester and spandex, and they're machine wash/tumble dry.
They're available in black and dark gray, with lots of sizes still left. They're currently marked to $42.90, but after the sale ends they'll go back up to $65.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
eertmeert
Women’s Beautifully Soft Leggings – Stars Above™
I bought these at Target a couple weeks ago, today is my first time wearing them. It is like wearing a cloud for pants. So cozy. And $16.
Just had to share once I saw this is a post about leggings!
Anonymous
How does Stars Above sizing run?
Anon
Not OP but I have a bunch of Stars Above stuff now bc it’s sooo soft and comfy. I find it runs TTS. I am size 28 in Paige jeans, and 6 at JCrew and BR – probably inching toward a size 8 due to COVID – and Medium is perfect for me.
eertmeert
Same size as Anon, wear a medium in Stars Above.
anon
Today’s WFH dilemma:
A cricket is chirping incessantly somewhere in my office. I cannot locate the cricket; I can only hear it and am slowly going insane from the noise and the isolation and omg, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. When will my lazy cat decide to wake up from his six-hour nap and Do Something About This Problem?
Anon
Wake his ass up!
Monday
+1. My intrepid hunter would be more than happy to be woken up for this purpose.
Anon
Wake the cat up. I have two brother cats. One brother is an ace at catching any flying insect. The other is great at creepy crawlies and things that make noise. He would get this cricket in a second.
My son buys crickets a dozen at a time for his gecko. The second cat got into one of the baggies before my son transferred them to the cricket cage. I believe he ate every last one of them. He certainly had a very, very memorable day.
tesyaa
We had a couple of crickets in our basement. My son whose room is in an adjacent area couldn’t sleep for multiple nights. If your cat won’t do his job, try sticky “traps” or tape – these worked for me.
anon
The cat is awake. Of course now the cricket stops chirping, BECAUSE IT KNOWS. Cat has to stay in my office the rest of the day, even if it’s not has favorite napping spot!
Anon
Do you live with anyone? Because this is a really common prank. You can buy this thing that’s like the music inserts in greeting cards and it randomly makes cricket noises on and off for hours (or days? I don’t remember).
Anon
Hehe, everytime I hear crickets, I think – yay! I’m still young! I can hear them. :D
Now, mosquitoes…
Anon
I didn’t buy anything from NAS this year but I did notice it’s moved much more toward cozy, casual clothing than prior years. A sign of our times!
PNW
Reposting for visibility.
My spouse is a Canadian citizen, although he hasn’t lived there as an adult, and we are planning within the next year to move up there. I am in the process of applying for permanent residence so would be authorized to work. We’re planning on Calgary, which is a lovely city and matches our lifestyle as well as being close to family in the US.
I work for a global industry so have had numerous Canadian colleagues and clients over the years, and have spent a fair amount of time there on vacation and visiting family. It seems like the job search and general workplace culture is similar enough that I wouldn’t be too out of step coming from the US, but I wanted to check and see if anyone with relevant experience could confirm that? I’m a director level professional, mid-late career. I need a license in my work, which I am already in the process of getting as Alberta has a reciprocal agreement with my US state license so that shouldn’t be a hold up.
I don’t want to make the assumption that just because it looks similar it’s exactly the same, and miss any big cultural cues that might put me at a disadvantage when it comes to the general job search process or making a good fit with a company.
Anon
Alberta I would say is most similar to the US of all Canadian provinces. It’s very culturally conservative and as far as city planning goes Calgary is functionally a giant suburb, which is also very US-like. I think you will need to look at benefits, time off etc through a different lens though as expectations for vacation time are wildly different.
Anonymous
It’s not clear what industry you work in. Assuming you have checked out Calgary as it is a big centre for oil and gas, which unfortunately isn’t doing well. Other industries of course, but not the financial capital of the country, etc.
Canada, like the US is diverse, so cultures different regionally a bit. I worked for a big 4 and dealt with teams from across Canada. My general impression of Calgary is a bit more laid back, and probably more risk takers than in other parts of the country. Calgary has a huge stampede every summer (except this one), and all the cowboy hats and boots come out.
Waffles
Hi, I’m in Toronto so no direct experience with Calgary but I do travel there often to see clients.
My observations are that (1) it’s a very casual city. One receptionist asked me why I was so dressed up once… for client visits… so culturally you might not be aware of that.
(2) and more importantly, Calgary has been fairly hard hit by low oil prices. There is a glut of available commercial real estate there now and many of the larger surviving energy companies are relocating to the US. I would keep this in mind when job searching. It’s hard hit and there are a tonne of unemployed energy industry professionals looking for work.
Anonymous
I had asked last week whether there was any enforcement by NYC of the rules that people coming from their listing of states must quarantine (and FWIW it’s not that I was looking to not quarantine, it’s that I was going into Manhattan for a half hr and not staying so wanted to know if I’d be pulled over for my Virginia plates). In case it’s helpful to anyone — went in on Saturday morning — ZERO additional cops around Lincoln Tunnel besides the ones that are usually there for traffic purposes. Once you’re thru the Lincoln Tunnel, there’s just an electronic notice board that says “if you’re from x states, quarantine.” And on NJ Turnpike leaving NYC there are boards that say “call 511 to see if your state is on the quarantine list.” So now one is even around to pull anyone over.
Anon
Yes, this is pretty much what everyone said, glad it went well for you
Anonymous
Please don’t encourage people to come here without following the quarantine rules.
Anon
I think you don’t have to quarantine if you’re just passing through? Doesn’t sound like she did anything wrong.
Anonymous
She didn’t personally do anything wrong, so that’s why she didn’t require enforcement. That doesn’t mean it won’t be or is not enforced.
Velma
I’m not sure what “going in and not staying” means. Was OP just driving through–if so, no harm, no foul. Was she parking and heading into a building for a quick meeting? If so, that requires quarantine. I’m in NYS. I agree with Anon: we worked hard all spring to get our infection rates where they are. The rules are helping, even if they are unevenly enforced and a drag for those who would like to visit right now.
Anonymous
The NYS website says if you will be there for less than 24 hours, you don’t need to quarantine.
Anonymous
The NYS website may say that, but it’s not like you’re magically not going to be contagious for that time window :(
Anon
She wasn’t traveling from a state that required it, she just had plates from that state.
Anon
I live in NY state and if you’re here less than 24 hours you don’t have to quarantine. So many people are just straight up breaking the rules that I’m not going to complain about people who are following them, even if their actions aren’t 100% risk free. I think what OP did was fine.
Anonymous
She wasn’t.
Anonymous
Right? She wasn’t, but it’s still irresponsible to say guess what guys, they aren’t enforcing the quarantine rules. It’s also inaccurate. They may not be checking cars at the border, or they may not have checked them during the time window that she was there, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen or isn’t being enforced in other ways.
Anon
She was updating us. If you are concerned people are going to be all yee haw let’s go to NYC based on her update, you are delusional.
Vicky Austin
When my dog drinks from his water bowl, I swear only about 10% actually makes it into his mouth. It’s pretty much always a big puddle back there. Any ideas – good mats for underneath? Will elevating it help (it’s currently on the floor)?
Anonymous
My dog isn’t that messy, but I have the neater feeder. Catches the dribbles pretty well.
Anonymous
+1 neeter feeder solved this for us.
Bonnie Kate
My dog’s bowls are elevated and he has this same issue. I should get a mat though, so I’ll follow along for that.
Anonymous
+1. Elevating the bowl doesn’t help. LL Bean makes their “waterhog” mat in a special doggie placemat size to sop up the splashes.
Digby
We have a mat that probably either came from Target or Orvis. It looks a lot like an outdoor mat, but the pattern is little dog bones. LL Bean is another likely source for this kind of thing.
Anon
I moved the water bowls outside to the screen porch (they have free access) because of my sloppy drinker.
Anon
Get a Neater Feeder, they are available in various sizes
Airplane.
Elevated water bowl set on top of an attractive boot tray has solved this. Even if water gets out, it’s only getting in the boot tray, not my floors.
Lizbet
Oh, I’m so excited you asked! We have two Bullmastiffs who continually left puddles all over the floor. LL Bean’s Waterhog mat has changed the situation entirely. And no mildew underneath the bowls, either.
Greensleeves
I was just coming to say that the Waterhog mats are awesome!
BB
Ooo! I have to look into these! I have a tiny cat (so basically as far from a bull mastiff as you can get), but she LOVES to splash water around. Like serious, she dips her paws into the water and pulls water out before she sticks her face in the bowl to drink. It creates giant puddles that I currently deal with a rubber feeding mat.
Anonymous
My cat does the same and I stuck a baking sheet under it, but a mat seems like a much more elegant solution.
Vicky Austin
Sounds like a Waterhog it is – thanks all!
Anon
Water glass instead of bowl works well for my sloppy pup!
Corona pup?
In the process of considering a corona pup. We had wanted an older dog, but our neighbor fosters dogs for a rescue and has a puppy that I think would be great (would be better as an older dog, but sometimes the dog comes into your life not when you prefer). First, I am worried that the rescue won’t like us (we are all at home now, but eventually no one will be home in the day, but we are all home at least until January). I have some WFH flexibility and spouse can come home easily at lunch. We are able to afford a walker. Also, our yard is fenced, but only 3/4 fenced and they want something completely fenced. I don’t imagine letting a puppy be outside alone, but don’t want to try for some emergency fencing just to make us good adoption candidates. Ugh. Second, what if they are right? What if we are gone too much starting say in Feb for a puppy? IIRC doggy daycare isn’t for puppies until they have been fixed and have had shots (so IIRC not right away, but later on; we are in a bougie area with as many doggie daycares as actual daycares). Finally, spouse is anti-crate (don’t know why; suspect he is projecting some of his anxieties onto a puppy re feeling “confined”). He is the one who has had dogs before. Maybe just wait until his shoes are the ones that get eaten?
I am the newbie before, but I did 99% of the work when we had human babies and they survived and DSS was never called (a low bar, but the dog people are awfully particular re who can be good adoptive dog parents).
Anon
FWIW I think this situation sounds perfect (assuming a puppy is what you want, its not for everyone!). You’re home basically 24/7 when the pup is a puppy, even if you two are back to work full time starting in Feb, which I submit is extremely optimistic, the pup will be at least 5 months old, presumably older if it is currently in foster care. That is old enough to go to day care. Your spouse should do some research on crating. Personally we do not use crates either, but that is because when we adopted our adult rescue dog, she was already house trained, so no need. For a puppy? Forget about it. 10000% would crate. I vote yes to puppy.
mascot
What kind of dog is it? We started my puppy at daycare at 4months (after she got her rabies shot and finished her vaccines) and then she got spayed around 6 months. So you probably have plenty of time to do all that before February.
Crates are great and you can adjust them to your dog’s needs. We rarely crate during the day as she stays in a baby-gated kitchen when we leave, but we still use it at night. I predict in another few months, she will have full house/bed privileges assuming everything goes well. We had another dog that we crated as a young dog, then didn’t crate at all for years, but she was able to re-adapt to the crate pretty well when she had surgery 8 years after we got her. Puppies are a ton of work though and there are phases where you will wonder why you did it. That being said, I don’t regret that we did a pandemic puppy. With us being home so much, it wasn’t that bad.
Anonymous
If the foster family knows and likes you, that’s a huge plus. The rescue where we adopted our dog gave most of the discretion to the foster family. In general the organization seemed heavily biased in favor of families where someone would be home with the dog all day, but our dog’s foster parents both worked so they didn’t have a problem with the fact that the dog would spend time alone.
By February, your puppy should be fixed and have enough shots for day care.
A fully fenced yard is a good thing to have. We had one dog with separation anxiety who refused to go outdoors alone, but our current dog loves to spend hours out there watching squirrels, and it’s nice to be able to send her outside to go potty by herself.
Hold the line on the crate and don’t wait until the dog eats someone’s socks and has to have surgery.
Anonymous
Are you saying you would keep the puppy on a leash when in your yard or just that he would be supervised? I would never let a puppy or grown dog hang out off-leash in an unfenced yard. Even if you don’t have a dog who casually runs off at a pace you can’t keep up with (which a lot would do), or one that is very responsive to human commands, you never know when a human or another animal outside will set the dog off to behave outside its norm. That said, I would inquire as to whether you need to put up the fence now or just guarantee you will do so in the event you are otherwise approved.
As to the issues re: daytime care, I am an owner of two dogs and my personal opinion is that you have not raised a concern that can’t be overcome, esp. if you are willing to pay for a daytime dog walker or doggie day care. But rescue groups can be very finicky in this regard, so you may just have to take a shot and give them the info and see if they accept you.
Day care is restricted to dogs who are fixed. In theory, you can fix your dog quite young, and people have been doing so for a long time, but more recently there have been concerns raised about doing so too early and retarding some development that requires hormones. Look into that if your plan A is daycare as soon as viable.
Anonymous
That’s really not true. My pup is in puppy day care. They keep boys and girls separate until they’re old enough to be fixed.
Anonymous
Two comments — (1) I raised a young puppy without a crate. He destroyed a few things but wasn’t that mouthy. I used puppy pads and just let him roam. He was trained pretty quickly. Not all dogs would have done as well, I am sure. (2) If you do adopt, give the puppy some practice with being left alone for periods, including full days if possible, before you go back to work. It could be a bit traumatic going from people home 24/7 (if that is your current lifestyle) to empty house most days.
Anonymous
I think you should just apply and see
Anonymous
Can you completely fence? In my opinion and experience, it wouldn’t matter to me what the foster necessarily wanted – I would not own a dog with an unfenced yard. You could never let them off leash (at least not until they’re a couple of years old and even then, #notalldogs). If I had a yard and still had to walk my dog outside at 3am to poop, it would be a deal-breaker.
Anonymous
My pup started at daycare after he had all his shots at 4 months. He was neutered at 6 months, and was fine there in the interim. I had a crate, but he began to protest loudly about sleeping in it when he was five months or so. I had a playpen for him, so he started sleeping there, and still does, although I’ve just started leaving the pen open. When I’ve tried that before, he roamed and woke me up, so we’ll see how it goes.
Having a fenced yard is great — he doesn’t go out that much by himself, but he does occasionally. I don’t let him off-leash yet except in a fenced in park or yard. He is 20 months. Squirrels and birds still tend to be more interesting than me. I hope it works out for you. He is one of the very best decisions I’ve made.
Anonymous
This has been asked a few times so far but as an update — have people traveled yet (voluntarily) AND stayed in a hotel? How did you feel about the hotel experience — and what type of hotel was it (skyscraper Hilton with elevators; or suburban chain where you were staying on the 4th floor and could walk down the stairs; or a motel type of situation)? How did you feel about the elevators, cleanliness of the hotels and the room, were other guests socially distant? Would you do it again?
I am really contemplating a trip to New England or maybe upstate NY in the fall as it’s always been on my list to want to see the foliage up there and this year I’ll be free and clear of work so I can go during the week. Yet where I’d normally stay would be like the Burlington Hilton or small town Hampton Inns but IDK about that. I know it’s just a me issue but AirBnbs gross me out in the best of times, so I can’t imagine wanting one now (I just don’t trust that they get cleaned; the ones owned as investment properties and managed by vacation companies, sure but the ones owned by Joe who lives up the block, I always feel like they cut corners and esp now I can see them being like — oh my Target has no Lysol, oh well); whereas big hotels while the concern in the number of people coming and going, I don’t have a concern that Marriott or Hilton can’t get their hands on industrial grade cleaners.
Anon
I would be comfortably staying in a hotel but my husband won’t. :/ So we’re doing AirBNB for the foreseeable future. I will say that while I dislike AirBNBs for a variety of reasons, the cleanliness point doesn’t bother me. We’ve had no problem finding rentals that block out 48 hours or more between guests. The virus is primarily airborne and doesn’t live on surfaces for long so even if their cleaning isn’t up to par, the risk of getting sick by staying in a house that someone checked out of a couple days ago is very low. Strictly from a statistical perspective, sharing an elevator with even one person not in your household is far riskier than licking a bunch of light switches in a rental house, and I’m guessing you’re not going to go around licking the house ;)
Anonymous
Unfortunately, you won’t really know about these things until you get there. It’s so dependent on the staff & other guests & how they choose to behave that day, etc. Also, the virus is airborne so cleaning surfaces isn’t sufficient.
Samantha
My fiance and I did a road trip to Rocky Mountain National Park this summer, and did a mix of camping and staying at a hotel. The hotels we stayed at were Marriott-branded, with elevators but also we were on the second floor so could use the stairs. All of the workers I saw wore masks, and we didn’t really see other people inside but stayed socially distant from those we did see. The rooms were clean and there were hand sanitizers around the entrance and markers on the floor to keep your distance. We ordered room service to eat in our room (which I know some places are not doing right now) or went to outdoor dining patios for our meals. I would definitely do it again and would recommend just staying as diligent and distant as you normally would while at home (we live in a high rise in a city, so it felt about equal to our normal routine). We also quarantined once we were back from the trip. Cheers to safe traveling!
Anon
I stayed in a motel with outside room entrances because I needed a place to stay the night before I signed a lease on a new apartment. They only had every other first floor room open and breakfast was grab and go prepackaged stuff in paper sacks. It seemed pretty safe, or at least as safe as this sort of thing can be.
Would I stay in one on vacation? Probably not. I’m doing some no contact car camping trips for “vacation” and if I had to travel for something (like a family funeral), I would stay with (not high risk) relatives or camp rather than expose more people.
That being said, I don’t hold it against anyone who feels like a hotel is their best/only option. Do what you have to do.
Anon
I have stayed in five hotels (ground floor, second floor, seventh floor), one airbnb style apartment (not through Airbnb) and a more b&b style place during the last month or so. I’m NOT in the US, but in Europe with very low numbers during these times.
The apartment felt more risky, just beause there are more stuff, but it was impeccably clean and that was a mental thing, I think. All the hotel rooms seemed very much okay – super clean, great staff, option to waive room service so as not to be visited, hand santizer at entrances, reception, at restaurant, bar, by the elevantors etc. There was plexi glass screens at several receptions. Signs to not be above x number guests in elevators. Mostly cash free preferred.
What varied – breakfast. Some had buffet style still, ranging from plastic wrapped kits to no self service, to just hand sanitizer and common tongs. Some had shared pens to sign in – bring your own! (More faff at check-in, with all guests needing to be named, date-of-birthed etc – obviously for tracking purposes in case of virus).
Restaurants also varied a lot. My least favourite thing was having bottles opened while touched at the neck and then poured for me (which I’m assuming is fairly neurotic of me, but yeah).
All the places I stayed at had respectful lines, markings on the floor, signs, protection, hand sanitisers, some services discontinued, etc. No masks, but that’s a country specific thing. I felt as safe as in the common areas as in my apartment building in common areas in the hotels.
Tory Burch Sport
Can anyone comment on how sizing at Tory Burch Sport is? Can’t decide if I am a M or L (my COVID 15 has given me a generous waist, but I am still wearing a M from Lilly Pulitzer and a S in Athleta).
nutella
I don’t have any Lilly or Athleta, but I wear mostly S or XS from Tory Sport and for sizing I wear a 0 at Jcrew, a 6 at Lululemon. Hope that helps? (PS- some Tory Sport is sold at N0rdstrom if you want easy returns.)
Anonie
The earlier post about the wife who found out her husband was having an affair (I am SO incredibly sorry for you, OP) made me wonder if anyone has suggestions for an unusual and sad situation…One of my close friends is upset because she just found out that her close friend (whom I have never met) is having an ongoing affair with a married man. My friend and I looked up the wife’s social media and learned that they have a new baby and several young kids. All of the wife’s pictures are with her husband and the comments indicate that she thinks they have a happy married life. My gut says it’s totally inappropriate to tip her off, but is there any way to do so anonymously? Would that be a kindness or major overstepping?
anon
Major overstepping.
Anonie
That’s what I was thinking. Thanks for the input!
E
Overstepping! You don’t know these people.
Anon
I think you’re way too far removed from the situation to get involved. If you were friends with the wife, it would be a different story.
Anonymous
Idk. I think the distance/anonymity is to her advantage
Anon
So much overstepping. Your friend has other ways of dealing with this situation, such as encouraging her friend to cut off the affair. She either does not understand that she deserves her own S.O., or she is the type who gets a high from stealing another woman’s man. If she pulls the “soulmates” crap, remind her that her soulmate is not, in fact, married to another woman. Et cetera.
Anonymous
A kindness! Maybe see Chump Lady to find tips on how to proceed or ask in the daily thread.
PNW
About 10 years ago I was the unwitting other woman in that scenario. I was dating someone I thought was free, and it turned out he was actually engaged and in the middle of sponsoring his soon to be wife to come to the US on a fiance visa. When I found out I was very tempted to tell her, it seemed like the right thing to do according to the girl code, but I didn’t. As it happened, they did get married and it didn’t take long for her to figure out he was a cheating douchebag so it all sorted itself out, but I always felt sorry for her uprooting her life like that for a total loser. But I still think it was right not to tell her.
Anonymous
Out of curiosity, why do you think it was right? It’s kind of most socially acceptable, and personally easiest perhaps to cut your losses and untangle yourself immediately and completely … but I’m not sure that’s necessarily correct/best.
anon
I experienced something eerily similar to PNW’s unwitting other woman scenario and I really agonized over what to do. I ended up not outing him for fear of retaliation.
PNW
Mostly because I didn’t know and couldn’t confirm if it was a situation she was aware of and maybe ok with, given that it was a long distance relationship or maybe they just had an understanding. I knew I hadn’t signed off on it and was not cool with it, but maybe she was. Also per her social media (which was the only way I knew anything about her) she sounded like a loon and I didn’t want to engage with that.
Anonymous
Would you have wanted someone to tell you that he was engaged? Or how did you find out?
Anonymous
I had a friend who was thisclose to having an affair with a married man (no kids at the time IIRC). They were so emotionally close after meeting on a work trip. I am usually a person who I think is not judgy and is pretty open minded as people order their own social relationships. However, in this situation, I realized that this is something I am really, really not OK with. I don’t know if it is that fundamentally, cheating tarnishes a person (if they are that good, they shouldn’t cheat on their spouse; if they have problems with their spouse, they should fix the problem or end the relationship that has succumbed to it and start fresh with a clean slate); if they do it with you, they are now the sort of person who could do it to you; etc. etc.). I told my friend that I loved her and that this was her life, but if I were her, I couldn’t be a part of an affair that would seem to upend the great guy she thought he was. Like great guys don’t do that and you shouldn’t help them do that; his wife will be immensely betrayed and why would you want to be an accomplice to that? At any rate, she didn’t go any further. I think she realized that the way things were, it could never be anything more than an affair and couldn’t go anywhere and she really wanted that sort of guy forever, without the tarnish. [She did eventually find the right guy, with no drama in the “how we got together” story.] I know that people have affairs and flings. IDK why this bothered me so much to say something; I usually wouldn’t.
Anon
I think I get what you’re saying. Like if you’re weighing the pros and cons of speaking up, protecting his privacy should not be a factor because he is not a good guy. He is a bad guy by default. I won’t go so far as to say being silent makes you an accomplice, but I could understand why one would feel that way.
Anonymous
Or maybe just counsel the friend to end it.
BeenThatGuy
My best friend got an anonymous voicemail at work that her husband was having and affair. She was truly grateful because she could get all her ducks in a row before she DTMFA.
OP, I think it shows great courage if you were to do the same.
Monday
An anonymous voicemail at work sounds kind of bad@ass honestly.
I don’t know what I would do…but one risk of telling her is that it would be blamed on your close friend, since the woman doesn’t know you and likely has told very few people about the affair.
SOS
earlier OP here:
I would have paid GOOD money for someone to give me an anon tip-off. if only just to make me feel less crazy about all the overtime/working he’s been doing during Corona-times and all the sneaky suspicions I had earlier but couldn’t articulate and didn’t have any proof of :(
Anon
Unpopular but I would strongly consider tipping her off. Not saying I would 100% do it, but I also wouldn’t write it off as overstepping immediately. Reasons: If it were me I’d want to know. A SO cheated and lied in the past, and a lot of people knew and didn’t tell me because they felt it wasn’t their place. On the flip side, I can think of twice (in HS and college years) when I was the one to let someone’s GF know they were being cheated on and the GF got mad at me and stayed with the guy. So I think being so far removed from the situation has an advantage here.
Carmen Sandiego
I’ve had experiences like your last point. I’ve told three friends something identical and/or similar about their SOs. Of the three, only one didn’t “shoot the messenger.” All three proceeded with their relationships. I’m at the point now where I feel like why bother saying anything!
anon
I agree with this. I’m in favor of tipping her off and I think being an outsider is a good thing. If the wife is a shoot-the-messenger type, you’ve got nothing to lose — you already don’t have a relationship with her.
Anon
In college, I was the person being cheated on. The messenger became my best friend.
Maybe do it?
If you are certain, certain, certain that this woman’s husband is the same man having an affair with the friend-of-a-friend, then I say it could be a kindness to tip her off. I’ve been on the receiving end of such a tip once many years ago and I was initially pissed at the stranger-messenger, I won’t lie. But a couple of weeks later, after I’d kicked him out of my life, I called her back to thank her. And I’m still grateful for her kindness to me (which is what it was; she didn’t enjoy tipping me off, either) all these years later.
Anonyz
I will never understand why it’s unpopular to tell people they’re being cheated on. Infidelity can literally kill you; people who think they’re being monogamous often don’t use barrier BC. Yes, tell this person that they are risking their health and their future.
Anonymous
I agree.
Anon
Wow, so many assumptions here.
Anon
Not really. If you’re not using condoms with your spouse and they’re cheating on you, they are risking your health without your knowledge and consent. That’s how safe sex works.
Anonymous
What assumptions? Unless you think cheaters always practice safe sex and have their spouses best interests at heart?
AIMS
Because you’re making the assumption that they aren’t. We don’t know. Maybe he is actually more careful because he doesn’t want to get caught by giving his wife an std or by having another baby in the mix.
Also, you don’t know anyone’s life. Maybe she doesn’t want to know. I might not if I had a new baby at home and little kids to deal with. Not everyone feels the same things. Why is that a hard concept? It’s not anyone’s place to play relationship vigilante when they have nothing to do with the situation. OP doesn’t even know the friend having the affair with this guy.
Anonymous
@AIMS, I guess that’s a common perspective in our culture, but one that should go the way of the dinosaurs in the time of metoo and everything else. If the person knows already, they can simply tell you “oh, I know.” If they don’t want to know (who is this person?), they can say, “ah, I don’t want to hear about this.” Frankly, I think those scenerios are basically myths invented to allow/support cheating and avoid even mildly uncomfortable conversations.
And whether or not the person is practicing safe sex, they don’t have their spouse’s consent to have multiple partners which increases risks for everybody regardless. It’s abuse.
Anon
I don’t really think it’s an “assumption” that a cheating spouse is increasing the wife’s risk of getting an STD. Even if everyone is using condoms all the time, they fail occasionally. And I think it’s a fact that the majority of married couples don’t use condoms because they’re not worried about STDs and there are so many other effective ways of preventing pregnancy.
Anonymous
@Aims, you assume she already knows, you assume she doesn’t want to know … why don’t you assume she’s a grown woman who can decide how she regards the information or what she wants to do with the information?
VanguardFanAnon
Please tell them…definitely the right thing to do. Don’t enable him.
Anon
The dog discussion the other day has prompted me to ask this question.
Would you think I’m an @sshole for saying toddlers can’t come to my house because of my dog? I’m aware that means some friends won’t be able to come to my house and I will have to see them at theirs or go out with them (in a post-covid world).
We have two dogs. One is a saint with everyone. The other barks like a normal dog when people first arrive but then settles down – except for toddlers. Kids like 5 and up he is fine with. He’s good with babies too, actually. It’s almost like he just doesn’t understand toddlers, but it is scary.
We are super responsible dog owners and have done the following. When having a holiday party, we hired a dog behaviorist to have our dog on a leash throughout and let him into rooms with others as he was comfortable and take him out when he wasn’t. This is because I do not trust people to watch their kids and keep him away from the dog.
We tried crate training but if strangers are in the house he just hurts himself in the crate.
We have a fenced in yard with no toddlers in the neighborhood. We leash walk him and if see any little kids we pull way off the road or trail and if people ask if they can pet him we say no. If they don’t ask and start approaching we say our dog is not friendly and to please stay away.
We have hired a formal trainer but in-home training is on hold a little longer due to COVID.
Anyway, we told one friend recently he couldn’t stop by with his kid because of the dog and he did anyway, saying that the barking and growling were okay with him. I said it wasn’t okay with me and what if, god forbid, the dog broke his collar or leash. I ended up leaving and took the dog to a park while my husband gave him what he stopped by to pick up.
We are having a small cookout in September (outside, hardly any COVID cases) and I’ve told the two friends that would likely bring kids that unfortunately kids are not allowed until my dog can complete his training. I said I understood if they couldn’t come but I hoped they would take turns coming as we would love to see them both. (They live nearby). My friend seemed to take it just fine and was glad I was looking out for the safety of her toddler.
My husband thinks you can’t tell people their kids aren’t welcome and we just look like jerks that hate children. We are child free so I think he worries people will think we are using the dog as an excuse.
I know a poster the other day talked about people that “put their dog first” but I don’t think it is fair to put my dog in a situation that make him anxious and aggressive. I think I’m putting their kid first by saying they can’t come when the dog is here. If we plan ahead, the dog could go to my neighbors or my parents or daycare for future visits with their kids.
Anon
I think you are right, but I think you need to pitch this to your husband/friends differently. The issue is not that the toddlers will stress your dog out and make him break his collar– the issue is that stressed out dogs are more likely to be aggressive and hurt their toddler. You don’t want to be responsible for a dog biting their toddler. (And it would be absolutely horrible emotionally for you to have a dog that had done that.) My dog is not anything like what you are describing, but we routinely have toddlers run up to her in parks and ask to give her pets. I can tell if she’s ok with the kid or not– if she’s not, I apologize to the kid and leave because I don’t want her stressed out and I don’t want her to freak out and hurt the kids.
Maybe say something like– “My dog really does not do well around young children. We are working on it. I don’t think anything bad would happen if your kid comes, but I really do not feel comfortable putting your kid in this situation.”
Anonymous
It seems like you have a dog that’s not good with children and the responsible thing to do is not have it around children. IDK if that means you keep it confined to a room. But what it does mean is that your insurance may deny you coverage and make you get rid of the dog, maybe even before Bite 1 (as opposed to a condition of continuing coverage after Bite 1). If this dog is a liability to you, perhaps not keep it as a dog doesn’t know who is over 5 and if you permit it to be at a party, that’s almost inviting trouble. I know many people who board dogs for all parties just to make it easier (vs safer).
Anon
I appreciate your perspective but I don’t view my pets as disposable. If I had a child in this situation, it would certainly be more dire but we effectively keep our dog away from kids and have none in the family and are having none. We are also working with a trainer (when she is again working) to help him with this, though the work will be hard to do with so little exposure to kids.
This is the sort of situation people look for when they have to give away a dog that isn’t good with little kids. They find a family that lives somewhere rural with no children that can keep the dog away from kids. It just seems rather socially unacceptable to say kids can’t come here. I’m okay with that to keep kids and my dog safe. I was just trying to gauge how bad the fallout will be.
Anonymous
I have a dog and understand your issue. Curious though, you say that if you plan ahead, your dog can go to the neighbours, your parents, etc. Why wouldn’t you arrange that for the cookout you have planned vs. telling some people they can’t bring their little ones?
I find that when people are at my place or the dog is with me at my parents house and there are guests over, I’m constantly checking on where the dog is. He is 20 months, and he is not above snagging a bite of something off someone’s plate if they leave it on a table low enough that he can reach it. He will also resource guard a prized possession like an insole of a shoe if he is so lucky to get one. I’m still working on training him, and probably missed some early signals of these issues given he is my first dog, but I find it stressful to always be on the lookout for him. 90% of the time he would be asking and getting a belly rub from someone, but I can’t predict where he is the other 10% of the time. He loves people and people love him, so putting him in a room or behind a gate seems like a bad option — even if he wouldn’t hurt himself like you know yours would. I think that would stress him out and me as well.
Anon
The neighbors will be at the cookout and it’s not a good weekend for my parents to dogsit.
Sloan Sabbith
I don’t think this is unreasonable at all- especially if you make it clear that it isn’t about their kid in the least, but your anxious dog and keeping them safe. Toddlers are going to be toddlers, and if I was a dog I wouldn’t be comfortable with a toddler up in my face either. 95% of parents will understand and be grateful that you weren’t just like “Oh, he’s just playing!” or something when the dog snaps at (and inevitably terrifies) the kiddo.
If you really want to be clear that it’s not their kids, offer to meet them at a park or coffee shop (non-COVID times, obvs) to hang out with the kiddo.
Anonymous
If your dog is not safe around children, the responsible thing is to keep children away from the dog. That is not “putting the dog first.” “Putting the dog first” would be refusing to admit there was a problem, train the dog, or implement safety precautions.
Surely, however, your behaviorist must have some suggestions for safely confining the dog while you have guests, especially if the guests are in the backyard and the dog is in the house.
Anonymous
I would appreciate you keeping my kid safe 100%
Anon
Me too 100%. Just leave the dog’s emotions and mental state completely out of your discussion.
Saying “I’m worried my dog may be aggressive around your kid” would absolutely make parents feel grateful.
Saying “I’m worried your kid may stress my dog out” makes people think you are only thinking about your dog.
Anon
I think it’s your house and you can make whatever rules you want, but I think you’re presenting it as a false dichotomy that you’re choosing between kids and the dog. There’s a lot of middle ground here, like leaving the dog inside while you BBQ with friends outside. If you’re unwilling to temporarily put the dog in a different room during the brief time young kids would be over at your house, I do think that sends a pretty clear message that you don’t want kids around. Which is fine, that’s your choice, but it’s not really about the dog.
Anon
It is still the kids and why I had the sitter for the holiday party. First, the dog will bark and growl and bang his head off the glass doors while we are having an outdoor party if he sees strangers he hasn’t been allowed to meet. The time I tried a “keep the dog inside rule” people kept letting him out when they saw him at the door. People bring their kids inside to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t just sit quietly locked in a bedroom. He scratches relentlessly at the door and has chewed off a window screen to see outside. As I already said, he harms himself in a crate.
And I did tell the two people re: no kids at the cookout that it is to keep their kid safe from my dog. I said he’s having problems behaving with toddlers, his behavior concerns me and we have had to put professional training on hold because of the pandemic. In the meantime, I can’t have toddlers at the house when he is here.
The same friends were super pleased I had a trainer watching him specifically at the holiday party.
My husband fully agrees it is about the kid safety and not dog happiness but he’s still worried about being seen as anti-kid though I think he agrees now it is necessary.
Anonymous
Ugh. We had a dog with separation anxiety who was similarly frantic and destructive when she was not the center of attention. It was absolutely exhausting and made our lives miserable. Have you considered medication for the separation anxiety?
Anon
Zero separation anxiety if home alone. Only if strangers are in the house and he is separated from that. If he meets the strangers, he calms right down, unless they are little kids.
Also, we haven’t let it drag on since xmas. We were working with a trainer (including getting him more acclimated to a crate) when COVID hit and she stopped doing in home work. We both found the remote sessions not effective. She is resuming in person in Sept. We have the sessions pre-paid. Maybe you are confusing me with another poster?
Anonymous
You’ve let this drag on since Christmas. Your dog is severely disturbed! Call the trainer tomorrow!
Anon
+1 Ultimately this is a dog problem. I can’t imagine living my life like that.
Anon
Oops. My reply to you is above.
anon
Not OP but my dog would be absolutely miserable (and very vocal) about being stuck inside or banished to another room while people are moving freely about the house and yard. I don’t see it as a false dichotomy.
Anonymous
No, I don’t think its unreasonable. For future parties, including this cookout, why don’t you send the dog to daycare for the day or even let him spend the night? For drop ins, do you have a space in your house that you can put the dog in and shut the door for a bit if people stop by? Use a babygate so he can see? One of our dogs wasn’t great around other people’s small kids, even though we have our own kid. So, we generally kept her shut away in our bathroom while we entertained. She was behind both a gate and a door in case someone accidentally opened the door.
Anonymous
You look like jerks and irresponsible dog owners, which you are. You can’t leave your dog in a room with the door closed?
But honestly who cares. You can’t have your dog maul a child. Ban kids. Deal with the fall out
Anon
Pot, meet kettle.
Anon
I appreciate your honestly. I’m a bit surprised at the vitriol but at least it is honest.
Anonymous
I didn’t even mean it to be vitriolic. Your dog is out of control. Who cares if people find you to be jerks? You gotta do whatever it takes.
Walnut
I am both a long time dog owner and a parent to toddlers. I’d appreciate that you recognize that your dog can’t interact with toddlers and also give a big eye roll to you being unable to shut your dog away from guests.
That said, your house, your dog, your rules. I would definitely politely decline invitations at your house and still invite you to mine. And, tbh, we’d probably think both you and your dog are special snowflakes.
Anon
+1 to Walnut. I’m a dog owner and a parent and I’m surprised by all the responses saying you obviously can’t put your dog in a different room. My dog has more separation anxiety than any dog I’ve ever met and we regularly put her in a different room when we have a guest who doesn’t want to interact with the dog. In our case, it’s friends who don’t like or are allergic to dogs. But I think there are a lot of scenarios besides toddlers in which you would want to separate your dog and guests (frail elderly people that a large dog could easily knock over? an event where you want to eat in the living room and don’t want the dog trying to grab the food? cleaning service coming over and you don’t want your dog scaring them?) that I think it’s weird to not even consider putting the dog in a different room.
Anon
Walnut’s an anti-masker so feel free to disregard her opinion.
Anon
I have a childfree home simply because I dont like them so no you aren’t an asshole for keeping your house your sanctuary and your dogs’ sanctuary. It’s your dogs home and they need to feel safe.
anon
+1. Another kid-free home for the simple reason that I don’t like them. Dogs are welcome though!
Anonymous
I have breakables, sharp corners, and all kinds of things kids could get into at child height. I can’t imagine having kids over.
Vicky Austin
Given that your guests were understanding and your dog will hopefully be able to complete training soon, I think you’re fine for now.
Anonymous
+1. As a parent of toddlers who may be unpredictable around dogs, if my friend said that her dog was not yet safe to be around toddlers, I would 100% be fine with that and figure out a different way to see my friend.
Anon
This is a really convoluted way of trying, but not quite expressing, a very simple concept: toddlers are not safe around your dog and therefore, toddlers should not be around your dog.
As a parent, I kind of want to find your husband and smack him with a clue-by-four. I can handle modifying my social schedule to keep my kid safe; what I can’t handle is someone who thinks that they have the right to ENDANGER MY CHILD because it’s socially easier than having a very straightforward conversation.
anon
I responded to the post the other day about my in-laws’ aggressive dog, who bit 3 people before they euthanized her. I left out the part that we had a toddler at the time, and there was SO much drama with my in-laws when we insisted on keeping our toddler and the dog separated.
I’m a parent, and you’re right that you can’t “trust parents” to watch their kids at social gatherings. That’s partly because parents are humans too, and they enjoy socializing with other adults and can easily think the other parent has an eye on the kids when nobody does, or that the toddler seems ok from across the lawn. (See statistics of toddlers drowning.) It’s also partly because, as a parent, I have literally been 2 feet away from my kid with my eyes on him and have been unable to stop him from doing something dangerous or aggressive. With a stressed and anxious dog, things just happen too fast.
In your situation, I don’t think it’s rude at all to say that the toddler and the dog can’t mix for now. If that means toddlers aren’t welcome, I think you can and should say, “Fido doesn’t do well with toddlers, and it’s not safe for them. We hope you can stop by, or come by one at a time, but we understand if you can’t make it.” You can add that you’re working on training and/or that you’re hoping to have Fido visit your parents next time, but it’s not necessary.
Anonymous
Yeah I wouldn’t stress come one at a time. Either the pandemic is so bad you can’t get a trainer or it’s fine enough for parties.
Anon
Pandemic is fine for training in my opinion but my trainer is not resuming in-home training until September which is around the corner but not soon enough to have my dog sufficiently trained to trust him around little kids.
Anonymous
I think he’s never going to be safe around little kids. The goal should be to train him to stay shut in a room while kids are over.
Anonymous
Ugh, change is hard — I hate the new FB update.
Anon
Same. I think it looks absolutely AWFUL. It is so cluttered.
anon
Co-sign
Anon
I hate it! But I’ve been complaining about FB interface changes for 16 (!) years now. I still miss thefacebook.com
Sloan Sabbith
These leggings are INCREDIBLY soft. I can’t believe how soft they are- like the normal Zella leggings in softness but on steroids.
Parents
Is there a solution to this other than therapy?
My parents are middle class but have lots of disposable cash the way a lot of baby boomers seem to, in my experience. They paid for my education and I’m grateful. I’m a lawyer with a lawyer husband and we have a young son and life is good , but it’s also hectic and challenging in a way that I’m sure a lot of you can relate to.
My parents also run a business that they started with my sibling, about 10 years ago. (My sibling has sinced passed away.) Actually, my mom runs it, they both funded it. I had asked to be a part of it but they said no. My dad explained at the time, that it was his way of giving my sibling a career.( My sibling’s education had also been funded by my parents, but the sibling had struggled to graduate or find a career. )
They make a good amount of money from it and are ready to hand it off. My dad wants to sell it and keep the profits. My mom wants to give it to my cousin’s wife, because she’s a mostly stay at home mom who had worked there part time for several years. The business is worth several hundreds of thousands of dollars and my dad thinks that’s a crazy asset to just hand over. He also shared that they have been paying her an amount equivalent to my lawyer salary for several years now.
My cousin and his wife live such different lives then we do. He has a good job and from what I can tell, makes very good money. My cousin talks about buying a crazy expensive car on a whim, about loving that his wife is mostly stay at home. They spend time with her family in a resort town whenever they get the notion in might be fun. I just don’t really get why my mom sees fit to hand over such a big asset to them and bankroll her being mostly stay at home while I’m struggling to balance everything.
I know I’m not entitled to my parents’ money or assets or anything. After all, a paid for education is a crazy gift and I recognize that. I just feel like it’s pretty hurtful that they seem to bend over backwards to help anyone but us. They love my husband and son and it’s not like we’re not close, but my mom never talks about this stuff. Is it even worth trying to bring up how hurtful it is?
Wow. I feel better just putting this in the universe. Thanks for reading.
Anonymous
Not your business, not your money, nothing you can do.
CountC
I understand where you are coming from, but I think you are going to have to work on letting this one go. Your parents laid out their position in the begining – they don’t want you to be involved in this business (whether you agree with the reasons is irrelevant here). That doesn’t appear to have changed. I also suspect that your parents are not veiwing this in the same way that you are. They are unlikely to be looking at this as bankrolling your cousin’s wife’s lifestyle, but instead as providing her with a business she can grow (whether that’s founded in reality is again, not the point). As hard as it is, try to remember they aren’t doing any of this AT you and likely see you as fully financially stable and in no need of this business (as you both have jobs and CW does not).
Anon
+1. Also would you feel the same way if they gave all their money to charity? They may feel like the cousins wife needs the business and you don’t, so this may be a form of charity in their mind.
Op
Hmm. I guess I wouldn’t mind if they gave it to charity. I’m just kind of hurt that they want to make sure her life is easy and comfortable while I’m working my tail off to earn the kind of money that they’ve given her for a part time job. I like my career, but I very much work for the money, you know? If I could work part time for the same salary I’d take that deal is a second.
Anon
Have you told them this? I feel like this could be a case of mixed signals where they think you’re doing fine on your own and don’t have any need or desire for this business. If they were giving her a cash gift and excluding you, I would not suggest you confront them about it because their feelings would be clear. But I think the fact that it’s a business, she’s a former employee and you have your own demanding, prestigious career makes this a little more complicated – maybe they think you’re too busy with your law career to run the business? I feel like you could have one conversation with them about the fact that you’re hurt by this decision and why. And then move on if they aren’t receptive.
Anon
Wow. I wish I had answers for you, but I don’t. How incredibly hurtful. My parents paid for college and law school too, and I am extremely grateful, but everyday since graduation has been an uphill battle. It is such hard work. And to have both spouses doing that extremely hard work, while raising a young son, I can’t even imagine (my husband is an accountant and we do not have kids yet). Careers aren’t given, they are made. Earned. Do your parents know how hard it is? You’d think they’d at least want to set some money aside for their grandson instead. Don’t we all wish we had the option to work or not work…
Anon
What do you mean every day since graduation has been an uphill battle? What more are you expecting from your parents?
Anon
Not what I meant, I meant law school was the easy part. Working is harder.
Anon
But why is it a battle with your parents? You’re an adult, what more support do you need from them now?
Anonymous
This seems like a selfish viewpoint to me. Relationships aren’t defined by blood relations. I know lots of people who are closer to cousins than siblings or closer to an aunt than a parent. Their niece is also their longtime employee, it sounds like they’re very close to her and in particular they’ve worked closely with her in the business for years. It’s not illogical to want to hand off a business you built to someone who’s already been working there and knows the ropes. I don’t know what kind of business it is, but I imagine in many cases it would be a much smoother transition for clients or customers if they give it to a longtime employee vs. selling it to a stranger. If you’ve worked for years to build something, I understand the reluctance to just sell it to the highest bidder. The business is their baby too, in a way.
They’ve never said they’re leaving no money to OP or their grandson, although I think it’s kind of entitled to expect your parents to leave your child money. They gave you the gift of paying for your education, that gives you a huge head start in life to save and give the same gift to your children – why do you need your parents paying for their grandkids’ education?
Signed, someone who also got college and grad school paid for but isn’t expecting any more than that.
Equestrian Attorney
I mean, could you tell them this? “I know I’m not entitled to my parents’ money or assets or anything. After all, a paid for education is a crazy gift and I recognize that. I just feel like it’s pretty hurtful that they seem to bend over backwards to help anyone but us.” I’m not sure what your relationship is like, but if this were my parents I think I would try to articulate this in some way. Ok, they created this business to help your sibling, but if your sibling is no longer here and you are interested, it does seem odd to keep it from you. I would try to tactfully articulate how hurt you are, how interested you are in the business, how you would like to continue your family’s legacy, etc, without making it about the cousin, which is bound to sound a little petty even if you are absolutely right.
Anon
Here’s another problem: your parents will need that money later in life. Very few people are fortunate enough to not need expensive end-of-life care. Your family sounds a lot better than middle class, but even UMC people shouldn’t be giving away a half-million dollars or so; they simply can’t afford it.
Another problem: your mother cannot gift this to her niece without substantial tax consequences. Is she prepared to pay the gift taxes on the asset transfer? Has she spoken with an accountant or attorney about it?
A thought: does your mother enjoy being generous even if she can’t afford it? From your father’s reaction, it seems like she’s the one providing the business first to her daughter and then to her niece; he is at best a passive participant and at worst is actively opposed to this.
Anon
+1 this is an excellent point. If it were me, I would tell my parents that while it’s their asset and they can dispose of it as they see fit, they should do so knowing not to expect any financial assistance with end of life care from me, or at the very least not to expect any financial assistance from me until either the business has been sold and the money put into their care, or until cousin’s family has contributed the equivalent amount towards their care. I come from a family that talks very frankly about money and end of life care, though.
Of Counsel
Expressing any of that would be stepping way over the line (except maybe suggesting they look into the gift tax consequences of a large gift – although there is probably a work around for that since two people can give two other people $60K a year; it would not take long to transfer a business worth even “several” hundred thousand, especially because that valuation is probably pretty subjective). Your parents can give away their money and, as long as they are happy having Medicaid pay for their end of life care, that is completely their business.
This is an issue for the mother and father to work out between them and their daughter needs to stay out of it. I understand her hurt feelings but it is their money and their choice.
Anon
I don’t think it’s out of line to express that. It’s actually a kindness to them to let them know you won’t help them financially at end of life, so they have a clearer picture of the future when making the decision about whether to give away this significant asset.
Anon
“This is an issue for the mother and father to work out between them and their daughter needs to stay out of it. I understand her hurt feelings but it is their money and their choice.”
Only in a world in which there are no hurt feelings or guilt when parents go on public assistance.
Anonymous
If you haven’t expressed your interest in the business to them, you could do that. But I think they’ve decided that you’re capable and independent … and are inadvertently punishing you for that while helping others. I guess they should be the ones in therapy. You can’t change people though. So I think it might be good for you to let go of the idea that they are ever going to do anything for you (because of their own limitations). And you should be proud of all that you have accomplished for yourself and can accomplish for yourself. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but having your freedom from them can be a blessing in some ways. You never have to consult with them about your career choices or financial decisions, for example. And you can choose not to concern yourself with their business, weird ideas about supporting others, or the disagreement between the two of them over what they should do. Try to talk it out with them if you want, but be prepared to let it all go. Don’t torture yourself wishing they were better people or valued you in a different way or whatever it is that’s beyond their capability.
Anon
People who are saying you aren’t entitled to anything are, logically, correct. It is easy to give this advice as a bystander. But there is a reason the law presumes inheritance goes first to spouse, then to children. This is how most people in society think. I completely understand why you are upset, but can also see why logically you don’t feel like you are “entitled” to the money. This logic can be taken to the extreme- for example, while I am not entitled to my spouse making dinner for me, I would be emotionally upset if my spouse never, ever made me dinner. Maybe a bad example, but while I try to think of relationships logically and not take it personally when people don’t behave as I would like (that’s their issue, not mine, type of thing), there are limits to that logic.
I think the suggestion to talk about retirement/end of life care is really important; I would never assume that parents will understand that giving away a source of income means you won’t support them in their old age. I think you need to make this very clear that if they give away the business, ask them how they intend to support themselves in old age? The tax implications are very important too. While you say it may be overstepping to discuss this, I think it is important enough that you do so.
I also think you need to determine what you want- did you actually want to be involved in the business? Run it with cousin? Own it and have her employed there again? why did cousin stop working at the business in the first place? I know it’s hard to explain all of the details, but a lot of these answers might help guide what you should do. hugs.
bellatrix
Pockets make just about any item of clothing better, but leggings with pockets are AMAZING. I feel so much more “dressed” when my leggings have pockets.
Anonymous
Am I the only person who does not like leggings with pockets? They detract from the sleek appearance of the leggings, it feels weird to have the contents of the pockets squished against your legs, and a phone is too heavy for the pocket. I much prefer a running belt for my phone and keys.
Anon
Leggings with pockets are only useful for exercising.
Anon
If a phone is too heavy, your leggings might be too big. But if you don’t like pockets, there are loads of options without them.
Anon
I love leggings with pockets! I also like the location of most legging pockets on the side of the thigh. It seems much more suited to my body shape and functional (things don’t fall out or press into me when I sit) compared to the traditional front-of-the-hips placement.
Leggings, really?
I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t like leggings during wfh times. The VPL makes me self-conscious and I’m certainly not going to wear a thong to hang out in front of my computer. Am I missing something?
Carmen Sandiego
I wear mine with the Soma vanishing edge panties and don’t have an issue. (Those are just my normal undies though, so I didn’t get them special to wear with leggings.)
Anonymous
Who all is staring at your butt at home?
Anonymous
I prefer yoga pants. But you can definitely decide you don’t care about panty lines … we all know people wear panties, who cares?
Anon
Who cares if your panty lines are visible if no one but you can see them? I don’t get this concern at all.
Anonymous
I’ve never thought less about my butt than the last six months.
Anonymous
Not the OP, but not everyone is in the same circumstance. I am still trying to keep my BF interested. Throughout the pandemic, I have done my hair, put on makeup, and worried about my clothes, including buying new ones that fit me better. I don’t get this assumption that we all have permanent partnerships with unconditional love. We don’t. I hope you do, but some may find out they thought they did but did not. And before you get all “If he cares in a pandemic about your appearance, dump him, think if you’ve ever heard women complaining about their men’s ratty tshirts and shorts worn tfor yard work or sports watching or whatever, or that their hubby has “stopped taking care of himself.”
Anon
I get wanting to look cute for a BF, but VPLs are a thing only women care about. I promise you he won’t notice or care. If a straight man is thinking about your underwear, it’s not about whether or not there’s a slight line where it meets your leg.
Anonymous
I don’t love leggings unless I am doing yoga. Typically work from home in pants or shorts. You’re not the only one.
INSTA-POLITICS
I know it’s late but posting anyway and will repost tomorrow. My boss told me tonight over drinks that she feels that my posting political/progressive things on my (private, have to be approved to follow) Instagram could be “offensive” to some of our coworkers. I’m a Republican-turned-Democrat, BLM-supporting millennial and my feelings are that if I post things on my personal Instagram, i can say or post whatever I want with zero reflection on my employer. I have nothing relating to my employer in my profile and people would have to seek me out to follow me. I also feel like I am moderate in what I post—only a handful of things that are anti-Trump or overtly political. I posted about being excited about Kamala and Joe a couple of times. Nothing that would be outrageous on this board, for example.
Am I in the wrong? Should I be moderating my beliefs to “not be offensive” (my gut says no)? Also…where is the line between private social media and public? I’m really concerned about this and it’s really frustrating me to feel like I’m doing something “wrong” by expressing myself in MY social media.
FWIW, I work in finance, in a non-client or public-facing role.
Anon
I sympathize, but unfortunately unless you work for the government, your boss/employer can restrict your private speech however they like. Your boss does not want you to be posting this stuff, therefore you should either stop posting it or accept that you’re risking your job if they find out. As a practical matter, I would start by purging your followers list of anyone you work with or any account you don’t know. The only people who should be following you are friends and family who have no connection to your employer. It’s not risk free, but theoretically if your account is private and not followed by anyone at work, how would work even know what you’re posting? And maybe start job-searching for an employer that’s a better cultural fit for you.
Anon
Delete your boss and don’t accept follow requests from coworkers.