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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I really love the slightly unusual shape of this wool dress from Club Monaco. It’s somehow both blousy and fitted, and it would look fabulous in a variety of office settings. For a perfect business casual look this fall, I’d add tights and a pair of booties.
The dress is $225 at Club Monaco and comes in sizes XXS–XL.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
I was today years old when I realized that Summersault had some pieces with soft cup bras. Formerly, I thought they were out for me because they were unlined. How do they run? Specifically if you have a short torso (so prone to looking baggy or deflated)? I am thinking that the C bottoms are best for someone with an ample backside.
Anon
Summersalt runs short, so I think you’re in luck.
Anon
Any recommendations for food and activities in Aspen in early fall? Especially interested in easy/moderate hikes.
Anon
I don’t but that sounds lovely.
NYCer
Hikes: Maroon Bells Scenic Loop (you may still need a reservation if you are there in the fall), the Grottos (very short hike to waterfall), Crater Lake Trail (also gets very crowded and I think you still need a reservation), Hunters Creek Trail.
Casual Eating: Meat & Cheese, Paradise Bakery, Spring Cafe, Las Montanas
Nicer restaurants: Betula, Casa D’Angelo, Matsuhisa
North Star Beach is also really fun.
LawDawg
I know that there is a lot of great food in Aspen, but if you get tired of making a big deal out of every meal, try Grateful Deli on Main St. They have good sandwiches and salads. You can even do takeout and bring it on a hike with you.
Anon
Couple other easy hikes: Weller Lake, Smuggler.
My favorite restaurant in Aspen is Jing. I also really like White House Tavern.
A non
Kind of random but . . . those of you who wear contacts, what do you do about contact solution when you travel? I hate having to buy those small travel sizes over and over, but I don’t know what else to do. I think I recently saw someone here say they just refill those small bottles but that seems kind of risky for introducing bacteria/germs, no? Please tell me if you have a better way!
Anon
It’s been awhile since I’ve flown, but I believe that TSA considers contact lens solution to be a medical liquid, so I packed my regular size bottle in my carry on.
Anon
Here is the TSA guidance. The final decision of the TSA officer was often no for me. https://www.tsa.gov/travel/security-screening/whatcanibring/items/contact-lens-solution
Anon
You’re correct https://www.tsa.gov/travel/security-screening/whatcanibring/items/contact-lens-solution
Now if someone can tell me how to pack makeup remover I’d be grateful. The travel wipe version burns my eyes.
Anne-on
I use cleansing balm and decant it into whatever little container I’m using for travel toiletries at the time. My favorite is the banila clean it zero and it comes with a little spatula to make using it/decanting it cleaner.
Anon
I squirt it directly onto cotton rounds in a plastic bag to make my own travel wipes.
Anon
What a great, simple idea.
Anon
I’ve been bringing the curology micellar water stuff and nobody has ever rejected it. I guess it’s slightly over 3 oz but I can’t remember the last time anyone even asked me to remove my liquids from my carry on at the airport.
Cat
LHR is bananas about liquids – gel deodorant, concealer, lip gloss, they wanted ALL of it in a baggie. Worst I’ve ever experienced!
Cat
I’ve gotten so many freebie travel sizes from Clinique over the years that I think I’m set for life!
Z
Yes, you can bring the full size bottles through. TSA will flag the bag and pull it for additional screening, then they’ll squeeze a little of the solution out to test it. My SO does this every time he travels and we have never had an issue with the full size contact solution bottles getting rejected.
Anon
I wear hard contacts and they no longer make a travel size of the enzymatic cleaner I use. It is suboptimal but I transfer it to a small bottle. I have tried taking the large bottle, but despite having TSA precheck it has been hit or miss if it gets taken away.
Anon
Medical microbiologist here: do not refill contact solution bottles! My optometrist prescribes both the 2 week and daily disposables. I get a box of daily disposables for travel, beach, emergency backups in my purse, office, gym bag, parents house, etc.
Anon
This is so smart. I usually travel with the big bottle, but I love the idea of bringing dailies.
Anon
This! I got eye infections when I wasn’t very careful with cleaning the contact case every night. I switched to dailies and will never go back. They are more expensive but I would definitely get some if I traveled frequently.
Anon
+1 Agreed. Traveling with dailies is the way to go.
Anon
+1 to daily disposables. I also feel much better about using them for sanitary reasons.
Anonymous
I buy the little bottles. That’s what you need to do.
Anon
I wear daily lenses, but still use contact solution because I often wear my lenses to exercise outside in the morning, and then want to take them out to shower and don’t put them back in until I go outside again. I just use the small bottles because I don’t go through solution very quickly (I use the same bottle at home). Definitely don’t ever refill the bottles!
Davis
I use the little bottles, even though it’s annoying. I brought my large bottle and TSA always tested it. Once, it seemed like they touched the dropper to their gloves and that was the end of that bottle (and that process) for me. I don’t want an eye infection from TSA.
Anonymous
Bring your full size or use the small 3 oz bottles!
Somewhat relatedly, pro tip: the screw top contact lenses are great for travel and bringing small amounts of moisturizer or creams. I’ve gotten new cases before from my Buy Nothing group before trips.
waffles
I have been using contact lens cases for bringing moisturizer for years! They are a great size and never leak. I had lasik about 10 years ago, but still always travel with my contact lens case :)
Anon
TW weight loss: I’m 44, started taking Zoloft (75 mg) about 2 years ago and since then I have gained about 5 pounds. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to lose those pounds, and instead have seen my weight slowly creep up over the last two years. At advice from here and others, I just started strength training and I’m hoping that’s going to have some effect, but I’m feeling so dejected about this. For those of you who strength train, did you notice weight loss and if so, how long did it take before you saw results? Relatedly, I’m trying to increase my protein intake but I have a hard time seeing how I can possibly get to like 100 grams a day. I’m vegetarian, but still! Last night I made a frittata for dinner–3 eggs, kale, and about 1/2 cup parm, but I don’t know if that even got me to 30. One egg is only 6 grams of protein. Is it impossible to get that much protein without protein powder, or am I missing something?
Anon
I don’t know if this is Zoloft related. This is a really common age to start slowly gaining weight or struggling to lose it.
Anon
Co-sign based on age. The menopause book that everyone here recommends brought that home. As we age, our set point moves up. I was always easily very thin. Once I hit 40, I looked at a plate of nachos and just went into a bloated salt coma and went up a size. And then another size. I’m 50 and stable but OMG with wildly different and better habits to just get to be staying stable. It’s OK — I just have a whole new wardrobe that sparks new joy.
PolyD
Yep, same.
That said, weight training + cardio in a HIIT (high intensity intermittent..training?) format did help me lose weight a few years ago. I did an Orange Theory type of class that had a circuit of weights and cardio (treadmill, stair climber, Nordic track thingy). That twice a week (circuits took about a hour) plus ballet once or twice a week did the trick.
The other thing I noticed with weight training is that at first, I look kind of beefy but as I keep going, I slim down some. My uneducated theory is you start building muscle but don’t really lose fat/weight right away, so you look a little thicker.
But for real, even if it didn’t work for losing weight, that type of exercise made me feel so much better, mental health-wise. I stopped during the pandemic and really need to get back to it.
Anon
HIIT = high intensity interval training.
anon
Same. I’ve been on Zoloft for 5-ish years now. My weight started slowly creeping up about 2-3 years ago and it has been HARD to just maintain. It started the second I turned 40, I swear. I don’t think I look bad, and I actually feel FINE, but I am undeniably 1-2 sizes bigger than I was before. My weight loss attempts have not been successful, which makes me feel even worse about myself.
For protein sources, I rely heavily on eggs, cottage cheese, and Greek yogurt. Strength training is a good thing no matter what to maintain muscle mass as we age.
Anon
Co-sign. My goal is not to be as thin as I was at 18 or 22 or 25 but to be an excellent 50-80 YO version of my younger self. Just get clothes that fit and flatter. I have done a TON of shopping as I have grown in size and office norms have changing. It feels frivolous and wasteful but squeezing into clothes 2 sizes too small is just needless suffering and looks bad and I feel worse. Donate it. Free cycle it. Just keep moving and shopping.
anon
Yeah, I’ve definitely leaned into shopping for my new body. I am always glad when I do it, but it’s a hit to the ego every time, haha. But, I’m not willing to be uncomfortable in my clothes, and I enjoy looking nice. Really, I’m needing to do some hard-core work on my body image. I thought I’d have this figured out at 43, but not so much.
AIMS
I can’t help with the weight part, but lentils and edamame are both high in protein so try to incorporate them into your diet.
Anon
+1. And beans and seeds of other kinds. I eat lots of chickpeas and black beans. Hemp hearts are good too. Mixed with nutritional yeast and garlic powder, they make a good vegan parm substitute with a fair amount of protein and a lot of other nutrients.
Anon
Cottage cheese and greek yogurt have lots of protein and lower calories. Is there a specific reason you’re avoiding protein powder? I heard about Orgain here and I really like the chocolate flavor (bought at costco).
Anon
In my experience, as a vegetarian who are a high protein diet for a while, I had to really focus on getting a lot of protein at breakfast. Otherwise I couldn’t hit the goal for the day. I made smoothies with Greek yogurt or silken tofu and, yes, protein powder.
Davis
Also beans!
Anon
Gently, it’s five pounds. It’s not worth feeling dejected over.
Anonymous
Why does someone always make this comment whenever someone wants to lose weight. Some people are bothered by it. 5 pounds ignored can turn into 10 or 20. Some people want to take a stand and try to maintain a weight they are happy with.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Yes and we don’t know the OP’s size or where on her body that weight settles. For me, +5lbs means I’m up an entire size in pants (because it always goes directly to my waist and hips), which would require replacing much of my wardrobe. I totally get that for others it’s NBD, but let’s trust OP to know if it’s a big deal for her or not.
Marketiere
This. Depending on your frame, five pounds can make the difference in what size clothes you wear.
OP
I’m bothered by the number. I’m frustrated that no matter what I try, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Maybe this is just something I have to accept but its worth it to me to at least try. Side note, but can we stop with the “gently?” Its so patronizing.
OP
Correction: I’m NOT bothered by the number!
Anonymous
100 percent agree on the gently.
Probably the intended message, but it reads the same as “with all due respect”
Anonymous
5lbs? Go away
busybee
What a mean response! Just because something wouldn’t bother you doesn’t mean it’s totally invalid for it to bother OP.
Anon
Let’s consider that she’s saying 5lbs per 2 yrs. I agree it doesn’t seem significant at all on the surface…, but for me (not OP) it means all of my pants are too small because all the weight goes to my butt. Still, I have accepted it as ok for me with aging.
But once you reach your 40’s/perimenopause, the creep starts. Like… the increase in 5lbs every year or two continues. My PCP pointed it out too, as my weight each year was slowly rising. So slow, but it adds up. And once you hit menopause, it is so much harder to loose, and the complications are felt, as your blood pressure/cholesterol rise and arthritis gets worse with menopause.
But OP – you just can’t get protein intake at those high levels without doing aggressive supplementing, as a vegetarian. You will have to add the protein drinks like premier protein or make your own smoothies with protein powder. Highest protein yogurt. I buy the densest Tofu that is “high protein”. You can add dried milk powder to soups/stews/mashed potatoes. You can eat edamame and nuts as snacks instead lower calorie fruits and vegetables.
I just physically can’t eat enough healthy fruits and vegetables and other good things AND enough high protein to reach 100g per day as a vegetarian. I would be disgustingly stuffed and would gain a lot of weight and would be so bloated and uncomfortable… unless I was working out like a fiend with a high metabolism because I was a weight lifter with tons of muscle helping my metabolism.
Everything is a compromise. Honestly, it’s why I can’t be a vegetarian, although my diet is heavily plant based. I need more high protein sources, and am not a fan of smoothies filled with protein powder.
OP
Thank you Anon @ 1102, I appreciate your perspective.
Lily
No woman needs 100g of protein a day unless maybe they are bodybuilders or pro athletes… they just don’t.
OP
Oh hi, I knew you’d show up! I’m not so worried about the 5 pounds as I am about the fact that I continue to gain weight despite changing my diet, increasing exercise, getting enough sleep, dealing with stress, etc. If I was able to maintain my weight, I’d be happy with that. But if this turns into continuing to gain weight, then yeah, I’m concerned with that and I refuse to feel bad about that. Sorry that make you angry, sounds like you probably struggle with this, too.
Anonymous
I mean you just called me fat. And I’m simply saying get a life and don’t inflict this constant weight talk on the rest of us
OP
How on earth did I call you fat? I didn’t say how much I weigh, nor could I possibly know how much you weigh. Also, maybe you’re a poster who is constantly posting about stuff I don’t care about or that I find inane or triggering but you know what? Rather than waste energy telling you to get a life, I just don’t open those threads. Its weird to me that you are so bothered by someone else struggling with their weight gain. Maybe you are much more enlightened or self-confident or whatever than me, and if so, that’s great, I’m glad you figured out what works for you. Wouldn’t it be more kind for you to take the opportunity to offer support to someone else as they attempt to find self-acceptance? Maybe if you didn’t put such anger out into the world, you’d be a happier person.
Anon
Excess weight does have health consequences, especially as you age. I know a lot of people will push back on that, but science backs it up. Increased weight puts more load on your joints and heart. Yes, you can be healthy and overweight but that becomes increasingly harder as you age and lose mobility. The OP is seeing a trend that may become a health issue. So good for her to address it before it is an issue. There is nothing wrong with being proactive about your your health.
Anon
Hey OP – just want to say that I have been in your shoes, it concerned me too. I am your age and some of this is age-related and not related to the Zoloft. I am fine with my weight/size which is higher than it used to be, but I also don’t want to gain 5 lbs/year and then walk into my closet one day and nothing fits, and I go into prediabetes and get high blood pressure and all that.
I have had to cut out basically ALL sugar (even the teaspoon I used to put in my coffee) and do intermittent fasting – I’m doing a very easy 8/16 (so I have 8 eating hours and 16 non-eating hours). It seems to really help. I would also look into weight training as I feel it does help build muscle that helps my metabolism. My doctor told me that in perimenopause and menopause every day activity really becomes important – no more “weekend warrioring” where I only work out/get active on the weekends; I have to build it into my daily routine. So I am working out at home 1x on the weekends and 2x at home during the week, and I try to walk at least 20 minutes a day. Hope that helps.
NW Islander
This is unkind. I gained 5 lbs recently, probably from my IUD. I had to give away ALL of my pants, including several favorite pairs that I had *finally* invested the $$$ to take in.
Luckily I can afford new pants but still sad to lose all my faves.
Anon
Just throwing this out there: muscle is denser than fat, so you can lose fat and maintain or gain weight. Your best bet is to focus on things like how your clothes fit and how your body feels. I’m 42 and athletic; if I focused on the scale, I would go mad. My goals involve strength, endurance, and speed gains, and, as for the way my body looks, being happy that I’m 42 and (ugh how to describe it without being weird)… maybe “firm” is the best word.
Anon
+1
You can’t focus on the number so much if you are exercising, and transforming your body with more muscle – which is heavier. This is the healthiest way to lose weight and be healthy, and for me, I like how my body is becoming more sculpted. I do more yoga/pilates/body weight exercises for that long lean look.
Pep
Oikos makes a high protein yogurt called Oikos Pro – it has 20g per cup. They also have an Oikos Triple Zero yogurt with 15g
Anonymous
This is totally Zoloft related. Just google average weight gain on Zoloft at 2 years. I had this exact problem and lost 6 lbs in 2 months with no other diet changes just by switching to Wellbutrin. I’m 53 FWIW.
OP
Interesting, thank you for this perspective. I’ll talk to my doctor about it. Zoloft has been incredible for my mood, but if I can find something that works for my mood and doesn’t make me gain weight, I’d be even happier.
Anon
Sometimes it’s even enough to just add Wellbutrin instead of swapping them out. My psychiatrist joked that they should come in a two-in-one!
Anonymous
Your dinner was maybe 40-45 g protein, depending on size of eggs.
Parmesan cheese is protein rich.
Anon
I’m a vegetarian and sometimes drink protein drinks, but I do not regularly eat 100g of protein. I strength train and still have visible muscles. I’m sure eating tons of proteins helps if you’re trying to bodybuild, but it’s not like you can’t build muscle unless you’re chugging chalky protein drinks. If you want to give strength training a go try it for a few months minimum.
If you want a cookbook rec, I like the Vegetarian Athlete’s Cookbook. But, your dinner had at least 38g of protein so you seem fine.
Anonymous
I did not lose much weight with strength training, but I did change my shape and size. I assume you could handle the 5 lbs if you are also wearing a smaller size. If nor, well . . .
You’ve gotten good advice as to how to bring in the protein — eggs, tofu, cottage cheese, lentils, Greek yogurt, and protein powder as a vegetarian.
Sallyanne
If you’re truly not bothered by the number, try weighing yourself daily to see how your body actually fluctuates. Mine can easily vary a few pounds either way throughout the week. Seeing this helps me not be too bothered by any one day. I am 54 and have found 2 days of HIIT, 3 days weightlifting (heavy) and 15k steps a day works for keeping my body toned and stamina up. As for food, I track protein about 130 a day. I use egg whites mostly instead of whole eggs, lots of shrimp, chicken, cottage cheese, greek yogurt and yes I do supplement with protein powder if I’m low.
Anon
Yeah, my weight fluctuates by about five pounds within a single day! I’m very tall so five pounds isn’t a huge amount on me, but still.
Anon
There was an article on NPR recently about NEAT – non exercise active thermogenics (or something like that). Essentially all the small active movements we do during the day really add up to a significant amount. Like a “busy bee” effect. Making dinner after work vs ordering in (for the same hypothetical calorie equivalent), taking stairs, walking every hour around the office, parking farther away, etc. Something like big stage of job stress and all you want to do is crash onto my couch after work instead of doing all the cumulative small movements can add up, even if you lift or workout. Anyway, it’s an interesting concept.
Anonymous
[Posting here because the mom’s page skews toward the very young kids]
Talk to me about paying for your kids’ braces.
We’re about to discuss treatment plan and costs for my fourth grader with the orthodontist’s office today. Had consulted with another orthodontist and like this one’s approach / timing better—so cannot shop around further, unfortunately.
Dental insurance covers 50% with a lifetime of $2,000 per kid. We don’t have access to FSA’s. I do have an HSA that my employer contributes to and I max out each year (individual contribution maximum)—I’ve been investing with it and only keep a small portion as true savings.
I kind of do not want to touch my HSA. And am thinking about paying by credit card (to get the points) or cash (if they offer a cash discount)…assuming monthly bills. Would this be a bad decision?
Any other considerations? Or tips/tricks? How about ballpark ranges of costs these days? West coast HCOL here.
Anonymous
You sound like a good parent. My parents (who earned 6 figure incomes) decided they’d rather go in vacation than fix my teeth so at 30 I now have Invisalign to fix some structural issues with my bite.
Anonymous
Can I ask why you don’t want to touch your HSA? It seems like the kind of situation for which they were designed.
Anon
Because they grow tax free and never expire
Trixie
My husband I are in our 60’s, and recently learned that once we are on Medicare–which will be soon–we cannot use our HSA funds. We have not used them ever, and now we are trying to spend down $100,000 in savings but we are very healthy, so it is hard. I would consider using the funds.
Anonymous
Are you sure that’s accurate? I thought one of the reasons people did the whole tax free thing was to use it for medicare premiums later in life. ALso, see this: https://www.uhc.com/news-articles/medicare-articles/hsas-and-medicare
Cat
What? I thought you can’t set up & contribute once you’re on Medicare, but spending the funds you have is 100% fine
Anon
That’s wrong… You have to stop contributing to an HSA once you’re on Medicare, but you can spend down existing funds.
Cat
Not the OP, but since the tax benefits are so great (deposit tax-free, invest and grow tax-free, withdraw for covered expenses tax-free) I’d far prefer to maximize the compound growth by not touching it now and just paying expenses out of regular income.
Anon
That’s not a bad idea at all.
anon
I’ve held off on this only because the % interest is so low. What are the rates that people are getting with their HSAs? Mine is so far below the inflation rate it feels pointless to treat the HSA as a savings vehicle instead of a tax-preferred spending account.
Anon
Same. Mine is 0.05% interest for small balances. If you have $50k+ in there you get a whopping 0.5%. It’s not even beginning to keep pace with inflation. I think this is bad advice.
Cat
You can invest the funds, not just keep it in a savings account.
Anonymous
Are you investing any portion of it? The way mine is set up (and my husbands as well, which is with a different account administrator) is that one you have over $2000 in the account, you can invest the amount over $2000, much the same way you invest your 401(k). I have mine set up to automatically invest all amounts over $2000. But yes, if you don’t invest the interest on the cash sitting there is negligible.
Cat
I commented above but yes, so long as I keep at least $1K in the HSA I can invest the rest. I have it set to automatically invest above that threshold.
Anonymous
OP here—my HSA is administered by Fidelity. I keep the minimally required amount as cash and have the rest in index funds.
Anon
Why would it be a bad decision (assuming you can pay off the credit card immediately and won’t accrue interest)? I put almost all medical expenses on credit cards. It’s good to leave HSA money there for when you’re older.
Anon
Most orthos offer monthly payment interest free, so that is another option. That is what I did for both of my kid’s braces, rather than pay up front. But the CC and points is not a bad idea either.
Seventh Sister
Mine offered a monthly payment, interest free, which is what I did for both kids. As much as it sucks, having braces and Invasalign as an adult is no fun and you are a really good parent to do it for your kids now.
Cat
If there’s no penalty to pay by cc, by all means do that! You can always reimburse yourself from the HSA rather than paying with the debit card upfront.
Anon
You can still get the “cash” discount if you use a credit card. “Cash” in this context simply means “not insurance.”
Anon
Sometimes there’s a discount for paying actual cash.
Anon
Unless they charge Cc processing fees, which I wouldn’t be surprised by.
Anon
Yeah, we were lucky enough to be able to pay for daycare with credit cards with no fees, but in public school everything has a fee for credit cards – aftercare, lunch funds, summer camps all seem to charge 2-3% if you pay by a credit card, which wipes out the points. My points balance is very sad :(
Anon
We cash flowed our kid’s first round and then put the second round on a credit card and paid it off out of regular savings, to get the points. FYI. First round was $7k (kiddo was a “complicated ortho case” and needed a small surgery in addition to a palatal expander, etc.). Second round was $2k; that came two years after the first set of braces came off and that second set of braces was only on for about a year (as compared to 3+ years for the first round).
For the first round – we maxed out our paltry $2k in orthodontic benefits; our orthodontist had a zero-percent finance plan as long as you allowed them to do a direct debit of the payment every month, which I had no problem with. So after the benefits kicked in, we paid another $1500 as kind of a “down payment,” did the payments for about two years, and then paid off the rest when the braces came off (rather than continue the payment plan).
If your HSA investments are doing well and you can cash-flow the cost or pay for them some other way, I would do that. Unless the cost is going to be $10k or something (not unheard of in some situations), in which case – I would tap your HSA.
Anon
Just paid $4K for my 10 year old after our insurance covered $2K. She’s now in retainers and depending on how consistent she is, and how the rest of her face grows, she may need a second round as a teenager. We used our FSA with the rest on a credit card for points, but for second kid we’ll likely fully use the credit card (based on timing of a few other health expenses we’ll need to fund around the same time.)
Anonymous
What’s the point of an HSA if you’re not going to use it for actual medical expenses? That’s weird.
Cat
See above – the triple tax benefit of the invested money.
Anon
Some people use it as a long term investment vehicle now. Like an extension of a ROTH IRA, but better, although limited in what you can use it for.
If you are wealthy enough to afford it, you max out your HSA every year and hold it until you retire, and use it for retirement health expenses. So it is tax free money growing tax free for all of those years.
Josie P
We paid up front, with a credit card IIRC. They gave a 10% discount if you paid up front and EVERYTHING was covered (my kids broke off a lot of brackets, etc. and we never had to pay anything else). I think it was about $6500 per kid. 2 down, 1 to go!
Anon
I did the same. Each kid was about $4k. Insurance covered only $500. My mom paid the rest because she was afraid I would.be too cheap to fix their teeth. Lol.
anon a mouse
Ask the orthodontist office what they recommend! They have a vested interest in making it accessible to you (note “accessible” not necessarily “affordable”) so they may have ideas as well. They can split up costs if it makes sense for you maximizing tax benefits.
A friend was able to get her kid’s braces fully covered by doing the first year on one parent’s insurance, then for the following year they had her husband take on dental coverage for him and the kid through his work for one year. Together the two had something like a $6K lifetime max which was enough.
Anon
Ours offered a 3% discount if you paid upfront by check, so I opted to put it on cc monthly. The 3% wasn’t enough for me. I think the total was $7k, less insurance, for my 13 y/o (only one set, estimate 2 years). I assume the retainer is extra but I can’t remember. Also West Coast HCOL.
Anon
You could try posting on the mom’s site as well- there’s a lot of us with older kids- it’s just normally the ones with younger kids who post more.
We had a similar lifetime cap of $2000 and % coverage. My son just wrapped what will probably be the 1st of multiple treatments. It was a palate expander, braces & now a retainer. I think we either paid it up front or it was coming out of my husband’s FSA b/c we weren’t seeing a monthly bill. I would choose whatever option is cheapest assuming you can cash flow it (one thing to note is that using a card can result in higher fees that wipe out benefit of rewards you accrue).
Anonymous
Our orthodontist offered a 3% discount for paying in full up front. I regret taking this option because at one point we became so dissatisfied that we wanted to switch orthodontists and we didn’t feel that we had any leverage because we’d already paid (yes, I know that we would have owed the full amount even on a monthly plan but I still think the orthodontist would have been more motivated to address our concerns).
Anonymous
OP here—thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses!
Anon
Ugh. Why do I get the sinking sensation that Trump’s latest indictments are going to galvanize his base and return him to the White House? I can’t help but feel that the best thing to do is pardon him of everything so we can make him ignorable and so that he stops sucking all the oxygen out of every other candidate of any party currently running.
anon
I’m at the point where I really don’t care about another indictment. Until the man is behind bars and unable to run for office, it’s sort of meaningless.
Anon
Can’t he run for president even if he gets convicted?
Anonymous
Eugene Debs ran from jail!
Monday
I thought he would still be able to run for office from jail?
As flawed as the legal process is, I think forbearance (not prosecuting, pardoning etc) would be a big mistake. He will hoard all the oxygen no matter what happens. There’s a flurry of white supremac!st activity in my area right now, and it looks very clear to me that as long as we are supposed to have rule of law, then the law must be used to pursue accountability. I mention this in relation to Trump because they have fasc!sm and white nationalism in common.
Anonymous
I didn’t read that comment as favoring forbearance. It’s more like, I can’t bring myself to get worked up over every new indictment.
Monday
Yeah, that was a reference to the top OP, who said “I can’t help but feel that the best thing to do is pardon him of everything.”
anon
This is where I land. I have no false hope that this is going to go well (well, meaning something prevents him from running) and I fully expect him to be the R nominee.
I can only hope that he loses this time around again and that he’s just too freaking old in 2028.
Anon
Galvanize his base, maybe, but it’s going to hurt him with independents and moderate Democrats. Especially once the trial starts. He can’t win the presidency on just his base, which is (generously) 30% of the electorate.
Anon
Isn’t this why they’re playing games with gerrymandering and making it harder to vote in urban areas in swing states?
Anon
Yes, of course.
Anon
In NY also. Fighting tooth and nail to gerrymander there.
Anon
Because it is. It turns him into a martyr.
There’s a reason why after the Civil War, the United States had no problem with Robert E Lee becoming a university president and President Johnson granted amnesty to all in 1868.
JTM
Yes, let’s continue to pardon Presidents who do illegal things. /s
People have to be held accountable for their actions, and if we aren’t holding the folks who attempted a coup of the US government accountable, then what’s the point? Let’s just have anarchy.
I really like what Heather Cox Richardson wrote on this topic, and she noted some of the ways we got here – https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/august-9-2023
Anon
It would also get rid of the noise re Biden. I’d like if we moved on from both these men but 300 million people and this is who we keep getting as choices?!
Anon
Do you think the Bidens should be prosecuted?
Anon
Biden’s son – of course.
President Biden? For what crime(s)?
Anonymous
Can the lawyers here talk about whether he’s likely to get bail in Georgia, and whether things are really is draconian as they seem there?
Anon
Apparently in Georgia, everything is RICO.
Anon
The bail system in Georgia, like the vast majority of states, is f*d up. That’s slightly less true in Fulton County. With that said, he’ll almost certainly get bail. Also, not sure what else you see as draconian, so I can’t speak to that. As I mentioned, the bail system is unequitable and terrible, but that’s true in almost every jurisdiction in the nation.
Yes, Georgia’s state RICO statute and the related Gang Act are very powerful.
Anonymous
What is draconian?
Anon
And Biden’s too old and people don’t love Kamala and now Hunter’s really become a problem. This is just not an awesome moment in politics. I’m worried about the election next year – I wish Biden would step aside.
Anonymous
But step aside for who? If there was a viable alternative he’d be gone. Biden/Harris was my dream ticket last time and I was hoping Harris would lead the ticket this time but she can’t win against Trump in the current environment.
Anon
Whitmer/Shapiro. But 2028.
Anon
Yeah I think the problem is there’s no one else and that’s why Biden hasn’t stepped aside. If there was a viable alternative, I think he would. But he knows he’s the only shot we have at beating Trump.
Peaches
I keep having this conversation with my spouse – Dems have no bench. I can think of a half-dozen gray-faced Republicans who have the name recognition to carry a candidacy – it’s hard to think of that many Dems. Our succession planning blows.
I think Biden will run in 2024, and my best guess is Andy Beshear for 2028.
anon
Agreed. This is a long standing problem and I’m so disappointed that nothing’s really changed.
Anonymous
True. Hilary sucked all the air out of the party for so long…
Anonymous
The Democrats do have a bench, but everyone is holding back because of Biden. Potential candidates include Newsome, Whitmer, Pritzker, and Harris. Polis is mentioned, but he keeps saying no. The Powers That Be podcast did an episode about Democratic potential candidates last week. Their take was if Joe Biden doesn’t run for any reason, the White House and party machine will support Harris. Other Democrats will promptly challenge her, because they believe they can easily win.
I’m hoping that by some miracle Tim Scott gets the Republican nomination, I’d happily vote for him.
Anon
Wow! Andy is my governor and he’s done a great job. This is the first I’ve heard his name as a presidential candidate.
Anonymous
Agree with 12:34 — I’m a Warren democrat and would also vote for AOC, Katie Porter, Adam Schiff, Jamie Raskin, or other people.
I can’t imagine myself ever voting for a Republican again in reality, but I wouldn’t be too upset if Liz Cheney won.
Peaches
I will vote for whomever the Dems put up. I like Whitmer but unfortunately, she’ll probably be a running mate. Newsom has too much California baggage. AOC has too much baggage, period (and I like her). I like Katie Porter very much, but she doesn’t have the experience.
Beshear is young – he’ll be 51 in 2028 – and has maintained a pretty strong approval rating in a mostly-red state. I think he could capture a lot of middle-of-the-road voters.
Anon
I will vote for any Dem nominee but I like Beshear the best for electability. I don’t think the country is ready to elect a woman or gay man at the top of the ticket. It would be Hillary all over again with people saying “I’d vote for a woman/gay man, just not THIS woman/gay man.” VP is different as most people know it’s kind of a powerless role.
Anon
Biden is doing a really excellent job and doesn’t get the credit he deserves for threading the needle of a closely divided congress. Governing is about compromise and prioritization and no one is going to get everything they want.
Hunter is the Roger Clinton of Billy Carters. There’s one in every family, and it is what it is. Not worth taking seriously.
VP Harris is finding her voice and doing good work on tough issues. If she runs for President, will we have a ton of dudebros (and women) come out of the woodwork with “I’m fine with a woman president but not her” the way we did for HRC? Probably. I’d love for her to run and would happily vote for VP Harris in 2028. While I’m personally a bit to the left of her, I think she’s strong, stable and will govern accordingly, much like her current boss.
PolyD
Very well put.
anon
My problem with both Harris and Clinton as candidates is and was that their political careers were helped by men they were romantically involved with. I don’t view either candidate as inspirational unless the message we are trying to send young women is that the only way to the top is underneath a man. I want to see a woman candidate who isn’t attached to a powerful male politician in the Democratic party.
Anon
Men have benefitted from their women romantic partners’ labor forever, with childcare, housekeeping, meals made. Saul Alinsky’s organizing handbook says men make better community organizers because their wives take care of everything else. It seems like a double standard to expect women to go it alone.
Anon
Agreed, Anon at 11:49. And also this is just another way to say “just not THAT woman.”
Anon
12:11 – you miss the point that these women did not get where they did b/c they had a male partner at home doing the childcare and laundry so they could climb the ladder.
Anon
Regardless of how they got there, they have the policy chops to do the job. Are there other women who never got the chance and also have the chops to do the job? Of course.
Writing them off because times were different 30 or 40 years ago (though we’re currently going backwards it seems) is just another flavor of, “I’m ok voting for a woman, just not her”. It’s a big part of how we get Ron deSantis and his Lady Macbeth of a spouse.
anonshmanon
Does ‘must be inspirational’ also apply when you consider voting for a male candidate?
Anon
As with HRC, none of this matters if they lose.
Anon
“I would vote for a woman, just not THAT woman” or “I’m not against a woman president, but she’s not the RIGHT woman” is a common refrain.
I ran for office, unsuccessfully, for a position that a woman has yet to hold in 300 years. I heard these comments all the time, from men and women. I was at least the 4th woman who ran, yet peculiarly, none of us have ever been “right” enough to win.
Anon
While I’ll happily knock doors and do anything else for my candidates, I can’t imagine putting myself out there *as* the candidate. Major props to you, 12:13 Anon, especially in the face of the sexism that few want to acknowledge.
And that’s what we need to do between now and 2028. Talk about it. Put a name on it. Everyone wants to talk about HRC’s flaws, but if she was Henry or even Hector, she’d have sailed to victory in 2016.
Anon
I’d gladly vote for Haley but my state’s primary is too late for my vote to matter.
Runcible Spoon
This latest indictment looks like it might be a bit of a game changer, because of the number and prominence of many of the codefendants. Now they all have to hire attorneys, show up in a county court in Georgia, make bail, etc. Not how the others have been bumbling along, and they may be encouraged to enter into a cooperation plea agreement. I feel now it gets serious — racketeering? Sounds about right, and seems bad.
Anon
It seems like a reach. Apparently GA is weird like this. IDK if it will have legs but no other R candidates are getting okay and I want them to be the focus not DJT.
Anon
The Georgia RICO statute has serious teeth. I have concerns about the statute on principal, but this isn’t novel in Georgia. Willis has also tapped John Floyd to help with the prosecution: https://www.bmelaw.com/lawyers-John_Floyd.html. He is Mr. RICO in Georgia.
Anonymous
I hope the news cycle reporting on the 4 different cases will keep the narrative present and make it hard for him to go after Biden as much. He hates being held to account so it may also ramp up his volatility which hurts him with independents who just want a stable old white guy to run things (threw up a little in my mouth writing that but #facts).
Anon
I think it will make Hunter (and possibly his dealings with his father) a mandatory target. You can’t go after Trump (how many open indictments does he have?) and not go after the Bidens. Especially after almost letting Hunter skate on some clear felonies. It really compounds the issues for the front runners from both parties.
I just want to unsubscribe from it all.
Lily
“The Bidens” is not the same thing as “Hunter Biden,” which Republicans are having a hard time understanding. Hunter Biden is being prosecuted criminally for his actions. The plea deal, before it fell apart, was by all accounts not a lenient deal when you consider how many other people including high profile ones who got off with far less punishment for similar or worse conduct. What crime has President Biden or any other Biden committed?
Anon
+1 I think every family has f*ckups. I haven’t seen President Biden implicated in anything his son did. It’s not fair to hold a parent accountable for an adult child’s actions.
Anon
I think it still looks like unsavory rich people problems, nepotism, and corruption from the outside even if it’s not illegal.
Anonymous
I think the GOP underestimate how much of a tough needle to thred that the Hunter Biden issue is in a country with rampant drug addiction issues.
People with kids who have struggled with addiction don’t want to hear that their kid’s failings and screwups are their fault or they have to own those failings like the GOP expect Biden to own Hunter’s failings.
Anon
I agree, yet I don’t think the average GOP voter even understands this nuance. I live in a conservative community and see and here “Hunter Biden’s laptop” and now “Hunter’s coke in the White House” thrown around like “Hillary’s emails”. I doubt these voters could even explain what is on this supposed laptop or email server. It just becomes a talking point of “corruption” without anything behind it.
Anon
Hear not here. Autocorrect fail!
Anon
I deeply wish this were true, but agree with the previous poster that the vast majority of GOP voters donn’t see their own addicted relatives in Hunter’s struggles. It’s just Biden = bad and that’s that.
Anon
I actually think this is the only indictment, of all of them, that has a shot at hurting him. The documents thing and the hush money thing look flimsy and petty to a lot of people. The Smith investigation has some serious potential legal weaknesses. But this is Trump directly and personally pressuring an incredibly popular and deeply conservative Republican Governor and Secretary of State to throw him the election. It’s the one piece of his conduct that was so indefensible that even MAGA types have just tried to avoid talking about it. Republican voters in GA didn’t punish Kemp for standing up to Trump – he won re-election by huge margins. What Trump did was that egregious.
The issue in this election is going to be turnout. Moderates who are meh on Biden need to turn out. This encourages that.
NYNY
My understanding is that if he were to be elected in 2024, he could pardon himself for everything except the GA indictment. So I’m honestly psyched for this one. Bonus that Giuliani and Meadows are co-defendants.
Anon
He can’t pardon himself for any state convictions. Federalism FTW.
Anonymous
Samsies
Anonymous
Interesting that “the documents thing” was enough to disqualify HRC but seems “flimsy” now, even though this iteration is wildly more egregious and some of the penalties are now stiffer because DJT himself was publicly taking a hard line on “the documents thing” and changed the laws.
Anon
I mean, non-stop negative media coverage is what won him the White House the first time around, so that’s a pretty good reason to be concerned.
It also feels like the media is reporting on anything that makes him look like the victim of persecution to his supporters and sympathizers, but it is not reporting much on the things he has said while campaigning that might be too much for a lot of his past voters.
Anon
I hope Trump’s indictments and charges against the Jan. 6th rioters become warnings that no one is above the law. Hopefully it prevents future would be dictators and insurrectionists.
sev
Weirdly, I feel hopeful that one of these indictments is going to result in a criminal conviction. I wasn’t expecting him to be indicted at all – I figured the prosecutors would just charge and get prison sentences for the dum-dums that stormed the Capitol then spend the rest of their careers patting themselves on the back.
While I don’t see a scenario where he’s not the R nominee, I’m not very bullish on his 2024 chances.
Anon
Yep, while I understood that things take a while, and especially here, any case had to be ironclad, sometimes it did feel like they were running the clock out, hoping that old age would catch up to DJT before any charges did.
Seventh Sister
Part of me wants him to flee the country.
Anon
Only if it’s to someplace with no internet or other connection to the outside world and he becomes well and truly irrelevant.
Runcible Spoon
Yes! To Saudi Arabia? Although he probably isn’t actually rich enough to fund an exile. Federal or state prison would be sufficient, assuming he is convicted of a crime or crimes, and these institutions have rules about prisoners making public statements (as in it’s usually against the rules without permission).
Anon
St. Helena?
Anon
I’ve actually been to St. Helena and it’s too nice for Trump :)
Anonymous
Even people who like his ‘build the wall’ kind of ideas seem to be tired of the drama around him especially post Roe without the push to overturn that to get people into the booth. He has to get the vote out and I don’t see the GOP as cohesive enough to build a solid get out the vote machine.
Seventh Sister
Weirdly, I feel more hopeful with each passing indictment. I wasn’t at all optimistic that any prosecutor would go after him, it’s WAY easier to prosecute the dum-dums who stormed the Capitol. Something has to stick, not every jury is going to be unable to convict.
That said, I suspect he will be the R nominee.
Anon
I work on corruption and, while I think it is possible to reasonably discuss the question, feel quite firmly that pardons are not a solution. I understand the desire to want this to just.go.away.already. But pausing for a moment and considering that the kind of behavior that was/is exhibited by Trump exists all around the world (more or less distastefully), one quickly sees that the only way to prevent this from happening again is to hold him accountable. The United States is rather late to the party in a global practice where corrupt individuals seek high office because it enables them to steal. If even one person is allowed to use the presidency for personal enrichment, you better believe many more will be waiting in the wings to try it themselves. Elections will not be about values and ideas but a competition for who gets to control the spoils, like they are in many countries in nearly every continent.
Anonymous
I read about installing UV tints on car windows here and finally got around to it last week. And while it was as nearly expensive as I budgeted, it was not too inconvenient.
Also, in case you missed the original discussion…
PSA / reminder that your car windows do not have UV protection—and even those dark rear windows on a SUV are merely colored glass.
Anon
Thanks!
How much?
Does it change the appearance of the windows?
Anonymous
OP here— $1200 for a large SUV in a VHCOL city. We did all the windows + windshield + panoramic moonroof. Front windows and windshield are clear/very minimal color. Went a little darker on the moonroof and the back windows, which were dyed glass to begin with.
Anonymous
I’ve been wondering about this but my husband thinks tinted windows are outlawed in some places – is this different than privacy tinted windows?
Anon
Any good estate planning recommendations for Charlotte that can also deal with a special needs kid who will likely need a spendthrift trust as an adult?
Anonymous
Perry Coumas at Orsbon and Fenninger or one of his partners.
A.
Need Rome recs! Husband and I are going there for a rare, FAST trip sans kids at the end of Sept/early October. We land on Thursday morning and leave Monday morning and will spend one day at the Ryder Cup. Another couple will be joining us Friday – Monday. I’ve been before as a college student traipsing around Europe, but he hasn’t and it’s on his holy grail of places to visit (pun intended — he is a Catholic of Italian descent, so this is his travel super bowl). We’ve got accommodation locked down. I’m thinking a skip-the-line tour of the Vatican but would love recs for specific companies and/or other Rome ideas. We and our friends like to wander, eat, drink, and for the most part travel on our own — not a huge fan of guided tours but sometimes it’s necessary, especially when you’re pressed for time. I welcome all recommendations, from travel hacks to must-do spots. Thank you!
NY CPA
My parents did the Vatican breakfast tour before it opened to the general public and said it was SO worth it. By the time they left, there were massive crowds.
Anon for this
Alternatively on Friday nights you can do a Vatican tour with wine in the courtyard! That time of year perhaps tickets won’t be as hard to come by, but Vatican tickets open up 60 days prior to your visit (6pm Eastern the day prior, since it’s based on when it hits midnight in Rome) and Colosseum tickets open up 30 days prior. The best times sell quickly so it’s worth bookmarking! Borghese also offers timed tickets (2 hour slots, enforced) that you’ll want to buy in advance if interested.
Anon
The crowds at the Vatican were INSANE in late Sept last year. It was my least favorite thing in Rome because of the crowds. OP, if the Vatican is a priority then book whatever you can to avoid crowds.
I loved seeing the Roman Forum, and the Domus Aurea was incredible. We skipped going inside the colloseum and just looked at it. I also loved the Pantheon. We loved most wandering around Trastavere and the Basilica de Santa Maria was our favorite church. Meridionale was our favorite restaurant. We are also book nerds and loved Atica Libreria Cascianelli — I bought a 17th century miniature book in Latin for 200 euro. It’s just so cool to have something so old.
Please have some affogato for me.
Anon
Definitely skip the line tour at the Vatican. We used LivItaly and had a good experience. We did a food tour of Trastevere and really enjoyed that too. If you’re doing a food tour, try to book it early since it will kind of orient you to the city.
Enjoy! I’m at 40-something countries and Rome may be my favorite city ever visited.
Anon
If you aren’t a fan of guided tours, I’d buy advance tickets to the Vatican Museum, which will allow you to skip the line. I’d buy a Rome travel guide and map out what you want to see at the Vatican. Rick Steves has never steered me wrong on his travel recommendations. I’d also strongly recommend going to the Borghese Gallery, which does require advance tickets.
Anonymous
+1 to Borghese Gallery. That whole park it’s in is a lovely walk.
LA Law
Wow that is a quick trip! But a few days in Rome is better than no days in Rome so here goes:
(1) Do you need a guide for the Vatican Museum? I dislike museum guides, but I was an art history minor. If you do not need a guide, check the Museum’s website and book the early admission on your own. It will save you a lot of money and you will get in an hour before it opens to the general public. Run (ok walk very fast) to the Sistine Chapel to see it before it gets crowded. Have a plan! The website is fairly easy to navigate, even in Italian. Once you are finished with the museum, go have lunch at Bonci Pizza and then taxi (it is a long walk around the Vatican City walls and you are short on time) to St. Peter’s. I will note that in the past you could go straight from the Chapel to St. Peters with some tours so there are advantages to going with a guide if you prefer.
(2) Not having a guide at the Museum saves your money for a private guide for a tour of the city itself. Rome is very walkable but (again) you are short on time. I really liked Tess at Clam Tours who did a half-day walking tour for me that was specifically tailored to what I wanted to see (she also took me on a bike tour of the Appian Way but you probably don’t have time for something like that). The good thing about Clam is that they are very expensive – but they will happily help with things like dining reservations, etc.
(3) Walk to Piazza Navona at night. Check out the church there but mostly enjoy the fountain and the atmosphere. It is one of my favorite places in Rome.
(4) Maybe controversial, but I would not visit the inside of Coliseum (cool but takes a long time) or Trevi Fountain (very, very crowded) with the time you have. I would include the Forum in my tour.
(5) The “skip the line” tickets are mostly a waste of money. You can book most things yourself for a lot less money.
(6) Some of the Tripadvisor forums are populated by destination experts who are rude and/or so tied to what they like to do that they dismiss anyone who disagrees with them. I found the Rome forum to be incredibly helpful!
Have a wonderful trip! I am jealous!
Anon
+1 for Piazza Navona at night. One of my favorite Rome experiences.
Anon
+2! I stayed in a hotel steps from Piazza Navona.
Anonymous
Was just there. Download Rick Steves podcasts. He gives great tips and tours to listen to as you walk around.
Book skip-the-line tours for literally anything you want to see. Lines are horrendous. Line into Vatican in June was literally over 1 mile long. Pantheon is awesome and requires tickets now too.
Nice to walk down to the Tiber, cross the bridge, go down the stairs to be at the river level and get lunch or a drink along the water. Drinking an Aperol Spritz along the river looking up at the dome of St Peters was a highlight.
Beware the Spanish Steps at night. People throw little helicopter toys into the air that light up or use laser pointers to make a distraction and pickpocket you.
NYCer
We did a semi-private early morning Vatican tour via Walks Inside Rome. You meet your guide at 7:30 am before the crowds arrive. It was great.
NYCer
Unrelated to the Vatican, but I highly recommend getting a drink and snack at the courtyard of the Hotel de Russie. It is beautiful and peaceful in there.
Gail the Goldfish
We did the Walks of Italy early access tour of the Vatican, which was fine, but I think the Vatican has some sort of advance ticket option before it opens to the general masses where you don’t actually need a tour group (breakfast tour maybe? I forget what it’s called, but it should be obvious on their website).. Get whatever those tickets are, enter, make a beeline straight for the sistine chapel, see that before the crowds, then double back and see everything else. Or if they have evening tours, this is also a less crowded option (we actually did both the early morning and evening tours, because there is a lot to see in the Vatican museums and I hate crowds), but I think those are only available in the summer. Would do a skip-the-line tour for the Coliseum (we used The Roman Guy), and agree with the Borghese Gallery recommendation.
Chl
We did livitaly tour for kids in the Vatican and it was great. You skip the lines and also he knew how to navigate the crowds to get to the best spots. We had a great dinner at Piccolo arrancio. I also like the Rick Steve’s audio tours. We did the colosseum on a Friday evening and it was a nice time to go. Remember you need a reservation at the the pantheon now (that’s relatively recent and not in all the guidebooks yet). Have so much fun!
Senior Attorney
Friends of ours did a private food tour with Katie Parla and are still raving about it two years later.
Anon
I bought skip the line self-guided tickets with a lunch at the Vatican. I wish I had done a guided tour. If you do self guided, be aware that they do not provide headphones for the audio phone thingy that goes around your neck. I only had airpods, and I thus was unable to use the phone thing unless I held it to my ear (annoying).
I couldn’t find the included lunch. Tip, it isn’t in the lower levels with the restaurants/cafeteria style eatery. It is in the grassy lawn area where you first come in. There’s a tent with the restaurant. The food was delicious, and I’m glad I did it. It just took a LOT of asking tour guides in my broken Italian.
Anon
I actually found the tour guide in the Vatican to be really useful/informative (granted this was ~12 years ago). We had a guide who’d been affiliated with the program for years/ was an American living in Rome trained as an art historian and it allowed us to see things in a different light.
Given jet lag issues, I actually really enjoyed taking a nap in the afternoon and going out & exploring the city at night. It’s beautiful when it’s all lit up and much less crowded.
Anon
Same. I’m not a guided tour person AT ALL but was so glad I did one in the Vatican.
Nora
What are your personal guidelines around taking sick days?
Last night I could not get to sleep. I work from home, but have to start work early due to timezones. I ended up starting work a little late, but was tempted to take a sick day. I was extra nervous since I started this job about 3 months ago – other people take sick days but I’m sure its less than normal because the schedule is very flexible to you could easily end early / start late without really saying anything.
We also have ample PTO that people definitely do take. We do have the last week of the year off already. Is there anything wrong with taking a 3 day weekend every month? I saw a very old AskAManager post saying that it made you seem unreliable – would you agree?
Anon
In a WFH world, I don’t take sick days for colds, feeling out of it, etc – I just adjust my calendar as needed and take it easy and make sure I’m responsive, even if it’s, “I got your request, Rob. I’ll get back to you Wednesday.”
(I’d totally ask for time off for serious illness, of course. But the things we’d ask to stay home from school for when we were kids? Nah.)
Anon
This is generally where I fall. I’ll WFH and possibly take a half day.
Anon
I don’t see why you shouldn’t use your PTO by taking a three-day weekend every month. I wouldn’t use sick time for that because that’s more like vacation.
I have had coworkers who use sick days when they didn’t sleep well the night before and are exhausted the next day. I use probably one a year as a mental health day if my anxiety is really bad. When my father was critically ill, I used sick days to care for him like people would for their kids (I don’t have kids). Now that he’s gone, I usually use them for illnesses that make it where I am either contagious or can’t really focus. Insomnia would qualify, in my opinion!
A
Agreed. But I work to live, not live to work.
Anon
Take a sick day when you need one regardless of where you’re working. That’s what they’re there for.
Cat
1 day off per month is well below average for my org. People would wonder why you never take a real vacation!
Anecdata
I don’t think anyone would consider 1 day off per month TOTAL to be a lot; but taking 1 sick day per month, especially always on a Monday/Friday would be a lot everywhere I’ve worked
Cat
Oh I misunderstood the question. Frequent short-notice absences are more noticeable than scattering planned PTO around.
Anon
I don’t think you misunderstood. She was talking about using planned PTO for the long weekends, not calling in sick.
Anon
Caveat that I’m in higher ed with essentially unlimited sick leave, and vacation is separate. I use sick days liberally and often take one for a cold or because I have sick kid at home (this is allowed). I took five full days (the max we can take without a doctor’s note) when I had Covid, because I wanted to really rest my brain and body. That said, if I wasn’t actually sick and I just slept badly, I would mostly likely just take a nap without telling anyone. My schedule is light enough that I can do that.
Anon
Are you talking about planning and following office protocols for a day of every month, or calling in “sick” every 4th Friday? These are very different things. Also, check to see when you can begin using leave. Many employers have a six month period before one can take leave. I also urge caution about using leave unnecessarily until you have a bit of a cushion. If you don’t run a balance, a single bout of flu could mean you are using unpaid leave, which is never a good look much less for a very new employee.
Nora
I think I wrote it in a confusing way.
Two different questions –
1) When WFH, can you use a sick day for things like colds? Should you?
2) I am accruing leave now, and there’s no minimum time other that you have accrued the leave. I was asking effectively could I take a day of PTO every 4th Friday? I would still have PTO left over for emergencies -and I have 15 days of sick leave before unpaid leave, and I haven’t used any so far.
Anon
I know you got a contrary opinion below, but no one in my office would blink an eye at someone taking one Friday per month off, planned in advance! Could be a know your office situation, but the days are there for you to use.
As for sick time, I personally do use it for colds, even when I’m working from home because I don’t want to have to even be minimally responsive. I luckily don’t have any big issues I need to save sick days for and they go away if I don’t use them. So I figure why not.
Nora
This is how I felt about the colds – yes I could lay in bed and monitor slack, but I want to be able to relax without worrying about or thinking about anything.
Senior Attorney
Years ago I found myself with a bunch of unused use-it-or-lose it PTO, and I took every Friday off from October through the end of the year. It was AMAZING. I say go for it.
Anon
I’ve never had an employer with a six month no-leave policy, and I’d be loath to take a job that did. Six months is a long time! IME I either accrued leave or got X days at the start of each year, but once I had the time I was free to use it.
Anon
Yeah this seems unusual to me too. 3 months is the longest I’ve heard of for this kind of things and I don’t think that’s by any means “many” employers, just some. Generally, once leave is accrued you can use it.
Ginger
I worked for a company that had a policy like this. A large portion of the employees worked in call centers with a 150% turnover rate. Vacations, sick leave, health insurance were all delayed. I turned down the position when I found this out but they increased by sign on bonus to cover the COBRA that I needed until the health insurance kicked in.
NYNY
Agree that your questions aren’t clear, OP. Is your sick time a separate bucket from your vacation/personal time? There’s a big difference between calling out sick once a month and scheduling vacation time to take a long weekend each month. Managers definitely notice if you call out frequently, especially when it’s always on a Monday or Friday. It can be a fireable offense, but even if it doesn’t come to that, it will impact your performance reviews and career progress. But if you plan your time and go through whatever approval process your organization has, there is no issue.
Nora
My other comment hasn’t gone through but I’m talking about taking a long weekend each month using pre-approved PTO, not just taking sick days once a month. So if my manager had an issue with it she could simply deny the PTO.
Anecdata
in that case that’s totally fine!
Anon
If you’re allowed to work from home, you can flex your hours, and you feel well enough to concentrate then taking a sick day is overkill. I take sick days when I’m too fatigued to think clearly, I’m coughing too much to speak during phone calls, or the symptoms prevent me from focusing.
Taking a three day weekend every month is a really bad look in my office. It’s one thing if you have specific events outside your control, like a few out of town weddings in a row over the summer. But if this is PTO “just because” then it’s better to take more days off at a time but less frequently.
Nora
Okay good to hear this perspective. It’s kinda odd because I feel like a coworker being out for 1 day is easier to cover than a coworker being out for a full week.
Anon
Yeah I think this is know your office. I have a lot of PTO and usually take six weeklong vacations per year. I think people would complain more if I started taking every Friday off. It’s not logical to me – I feel like being out for a whole week every other month is way more disruptive to my productivity than working short weeks – but that seems to be how people here feel.
AnonSatOfc
I have a comment stuck in mod, but agree – somehow the number of “occurrences” of PTO versus total days seems significant, so monthly days off (esp if you have to tell people in advance and they work around your absence) seems weirdly more of a burden than a few longer absences per year. I can’t explain why!
Anonymous
Taking a 3 day weekend every month wouldn’t work in my company either, especially because most months already have a public holiday. We’re fairly meeting heavy and tend have recurring weekly check ins. Missing 1/4 of the meetings for vacation would be disruptive. People respect weeklong vacations but tend to forget (or ignore) random days off. OP- it’s entirely possible none of this applies at your company, but it does seem like it’s too early for you to tell. If you have a longer tenured team member you can ask, I’d go that route before planning travel.
anon
The second question is a know-your-culture kind of question. You should wait until you have observed enough people’s work patterns to know what is normal, what is well received, and what is tolerated but is negatively impacting colleagues’ reputations. Once you have that pattern down, you are good to go and take the full extent of your PTO!
For example, regularly missing Fridays would be a problem in my office but Mondays would be fine. Friday is one of the two weekdays on which reoccurring weekly and biweekly meetings are scheduled. Those meetings are what maintain team communication in our fully WFH culture and so are regarded as highly important. Your workplace will have something different that will inform how important Fridays are there.
Nora
Our meetings like that are on Mondays!
Fridays are actually definitely the least disruptive to miss, meetings are rarely scheduled then and its kind of a heads-down day anyways
I’ll definitely wait and see, but one of my team members is taking a full 3 weeks off. He has the PTO for it, basically taking all of it at once, but that seems more disruptive.
Anon
I think a lot of people actually find that less disruptive though. You should probably try to follow your company culture on this.
Cat
Coming back and re-reading, pay attention to your office. At mine, people are constantly taking a day or half-day here or there, whether it’s bc their kid is on a travel team, they have to deal with appointments during business hours, or whatever. Others on this thread clearly work in more uptight offices.
Anon
When was the 3 week vacation? Many offices have a slow period in August or around the winter holidays. If it’s around those times, it’s kind of different. Even before Covid, people in my office often stacked a week or two of vacation with a week or two of remote work and were out of the office for nearly a month at the winter holidays.
A
If I’m healthy, my company benefits from my efficiency. So if I’m unwell, I take a day off and rest or sleep or whatever. I may or may not check email and will always have an OOO saying I’m taking a sick day.
Anon
I know there’s valid reasons for this, but can I just vent that I cannot apparently order a pair of glasses or refill my cat’s food without seeing a doctor to update these prescriptions! Neither my eyes nor my cat have changed in the last 18 months, and what I thought would be two easy phone calls have turned into my having to take a half day off work.
AIMS
Any doctor can write an eye Rx so I just ask my regular doctor for one and have just asked doctor friends in the past.
Anon
Wait – really? Does your PCP have all the equipment, or do they just sign off on your existing prescription?
Anon
No – a PCP doesn’t have any equipment. And most of them wont understand what a eye script even means.
You must know your exact prescription, and be able to tell the doctor what to write, and have a doctor willing to do that. Many will not do it, of course, because they have no way of knowing that what they are writing is correct.
I agree that it seems unreasonable to have to pay to see an eye doctor every year just for a script for glasses. There is some argument that even if you do not realize it, your eyes very well could be changing and your script may have changed. For me, I’m at a time of life where that is true. But of course, this is a big money maker for eye doctors, who already are among the highest paid doctors, so ….
Anon
You know, I’ve ordered tons of glasses online and they just ask you to input the prescription into a form. There’s no verification to check that you have an official up to date prescription from a real doctor.
Anon
Same here.
Anon
That’s how I’ve been ordering them, which is why my prescription is expired. But we just found out that husband’s insurance includes a free pair of glasses/sunglasses each year (available through certain locations), so I figured it would be easy enough to get my prescription faxed over… famous last words.
Anon
Where? Warby Parker requires a current Rx last time I ordered.
Anon
Eye Buy Direct, Polette, Zenni, a couple other similar places
Anonymous
I feel you. I’m not on the pill anymore but the amount of time and frustration it took to stay on top of that Rx was unreal. And doctors and the pharmacy act like it’s nbd if you have a gap. Aside from the obvious, hello this is HORMONAL bc by definition it messes with your hormones and it is not great to be on and off it all the time! See also the pharmacy randomly swapping out my prescribed bc for whatever they had on hand – usually high estrogen – because they didn’t feel like ordering my Rx. And the constantly changing formulation of the generic, which they insist is exactly the same but my 20 lb weight gain and volcanic activity on my face within 2 weeks of taking the new drug suggest otherwise. And the only way to avoid that was to insist on the brand name, which oh shocker wasn’t eligible for the free bc that we had for a hot minute under Obamacare. Harumph I say!
Anon
I now get my BCP from Nurx online – it’s amazing and they are willing to send a huge supply at once so no gaps.
Anon
I hear you, though the amazing part of this story to me is that you actually got the appointments instead of having to wait months. Around here, optometrist appointments take months, vets take a few weeks, and gyns or PCPs take more than a year, even for established patients – I scheduled next year’s physical when leaving this year’s and the earliest appointment was in 15 months!
anon
Eyebuydirect…. plug in your Rx and order them. I just did it and haven’t been to an eye doc in over 3 years. I just know what I have works and have notes somewhere of what my then-Rx was.
Senior Attorney
Okay, this has me thinking… does anybody know a place to get contact lenses without a current prescription?
Anon
I have read that you can order from Canada without a prescription. Google seems to confirm, but I have not tried it.
Anon
People, go to Costco. You don’t have to be a member. They have great optometrists, and an Rx is only about $100, for glasses or contacts.
You should get your eyes checked annually anyway for reasons like glaucoma screening.
Anne-on
Hoping others here have some concrete suggestions as my PA kind of just shrugged and prescribed the first brand she had on hand. I’m going through perimenopause and have PCOS plus migraine. The PA heard ‘migraine’ and refused to prescribe a combination pill (despite my neuro saying low doses of estrogen are ok). In my first 2 months on progesterone only pills my headaches have been awful and the PCOS seems to be getting worse (I stopped spironolactone to try a minipill and as far as I can tell the progesterone only pill has almost no benefit for PCOS). Has anyone tried a BC pill they like for peri/PCOS?
Anon8
Is this for birth control reasons or hormone management? If birth control, I have migraines and PCOS and have never been able to tolerate hormonal birth control– it always gives me more migraines. The ParaGard copper IUD has been a godsend for me.
Shanananana
I have PCOS and a low dose IUD has been the answer for me. Skyla, but I think Kyleena is similar. Life changing for me, I cannot sing its praises high enough. I cannot speak to its ties to migraines. Mine have mostly stopped now that I WFH and am not in terrible lighting every day, although the air conditions from the CA wildfires have been triggering some here and there.
Anon
Can you change your GYN to one with an interest in menopause/perimenopause?
That is the best way.
The critical question is whether you have migraine with aura, as those folks are more at risk when on hormonal birth control. Is that what you have?
Betsy
No advice on the headaches, but it seems like stopping spiro might be more closely tied to the increased PCOS symptoms rather than the particular birth control variety you are on.
Senior Attorney
I had migraines for years and finally went to a neurologist, who prescribed a combination of inexpensive drugs that absolutely stopped them in their tracks. You might want to see about a neurological consult.
Anonymous
+1 If you haven’t seen anyone/don’t take anything specifically for migraine. There are lots of effective migraine meds around now.
Anonymous
Do you have migraines with auras? If so, I’ve been told the combo pill is a no go for stroke risk.
Anonymous
For me, the key to less hormone linked migraines was to quit the pill and switch to a constant dose method. In my case, I use the ring, but a hormonal IUD is the same theory. I think the daily hormone swing was too much.
Anon
Progestin-only is notorious for causing headaches; I had terrible headaches on it and no one was surprised.
I have not tried a BC bill I like for PCOS; they all have awful side effects. I preferred Metformin when I tolerated it, berberine after I had to quit Metformin for outlier reasons, inositol, diet and exercise, melatonin, etc.
family leave policies
A question about family leave benefits…would love to hear about your experiences/how common this is. My husband and I are both professors; we work at the same university. Our university offers a semester paid family leave for a birth, adoption, etc. This benefit is offered to both male and female parents, as long as they aren’t both university employees. However, if both parents work at the university, they receive only one semester total (which functionally means one parent takes it, which is basically always the mother). It bothers me that whether or not the non-birth parent gets leave depends on where the birthing parent works. It also seems to incentivize “men do scholarship, women take care of babies,” which is a a real problem even in progressive spaces in higher ed.
Is this common in other industries, or just in higher ed? (it’s been this way at the 3 universities where we’ve worked… when our first child was born, we were at different schools and so each got a semester of paid leave). And am I off-base in finding this policy probematic? (I’m guessing it’s legal but that doesn’t mean it’s not…icky.)
AIMS
I remember something along these lines at a government agency where my friends worked. You got 6 months parental leave but could not have both parents do leave because it was considered too much of a strain on the agency, which always struck me as silly – as if no two employees had babies at the same time (i can see a better argument for a policy that said you couldn’t take leave at the same time). If I recall correctly my friends got an exemption or some kind of work around so maybe you should raise your concerns with the university.
Anonymous
I work for a state agency and we offer 12 weeks paid leave to both parents if they both work for our agency. Some people choose to take it together, some people split it up so that there is 6 months before baby goes to daycare and some do a combination of something like dad is home with mom for one month after the birth, then goes back to work for 2 months, then when mom goes back he takes the other two months off.
Anonymous
I think it’s super problematic. Requirement that both parents not take leave at the same time is reasonable. Person on parental leave as primary caregiver etc. But that you can’t take 4 months and then he takes 4 months is nuts.
anonymous
It’s not as icky as you implying that only mothers are birth parents!
Anonymous
Only mothers are birth parents. Fathers do not birth children.
Anon
Thank you. Only having one parent take parental leave almost always means it is the mother (absent situations like adoption) because she needs to recover from childbirth.
Anon
Sigh…
Anonymous
Nice reading comprehension fail. The OP distinguishes between birthing and non-birthing parents using gender neutral language. When she references mothers (or women) she’s speaking about the unintended practical outcome of the policy (given that statistically virtually all birth parents are women) and nowhere does she say that the policy wouldn’t also affect dual professor couples who aren’t M/F cis gendered.
family leave policies
Thanks, this is more helpful and what I meant – the policy reinforces heteropatriachal gender norms, insofar as the person who gives birth is shoehorned into the primary baby-carer role, and it affects who does what care work even after the leave ends. It also suggests the other parent, of whatever gender, has a less “important” role caring for the child. I think this increases disparities in the relationship regardless of gender identity (would also be a problem for a same sex couple).
anonshmanon
that was not implied anywhere, it was said that when couples are forced to choose, the mother ‘basically always’ stays home.
Anonymous
Can you not?
Anon
Huh. My husband and I are both professors at the same university (different departments though) and both had one semester “off” (no teaching or committee duties) for the birth of our child. We used them consecutively, with me using the semester in which she was born since I had to recover from childbirth, and him taking off the following semester. Between that and the summer break our kid didn’t go to daycare until she was 11 months old. It was really great for my husband to be the primary parent for almost 6 months, and I think it set us on a path for longterm equal parenting. The policy you described does seem extremely unfair to me, and I have not heard of other academic friends having to share the leave.
family leave policies
Interesting! what kind of university, if you don’t mind sharing? I’m familiar with policies at an elite SLAC, an elite R1, and a top-50 SLAC.
Anon
A public flagship R1, top 20 in US News. Although some of this may be department-specific. The department can’t give less leave than the university policy specifies, but they can give more.
The policies for staff are very clear – 6 weeks of paid leave for any parent, regardless of whether or not both parents work at the university, can be combined with any accrued vacation leave and 6 (or 8, if c-section) weeks of sick leave in the case of a birth mother. But for faculty it’s more vague, and I think may vary by department. Fwiw, we’re both in STEM fields, as are most people we know.
Anonymous
It’s very common in higher Ed and also trash and even FMLA allows this in other industries. But careful what you wish for- change might mean reducing overall leave.
Lily
It basically means your husband’s overall comp is significantly lower than his colleagues, since he can’t take advantage of a large benefit simply because you work at the university as well. I think it’s a ridiculous policy. They have two employees; they pay two sets of benefits. You should both have this benefit. If they aren’t going to provide him the benefit, he should get more $$ in his compensation.
I’m guessing the answer is no, and it doesn’t solve the problem I mentioned above, but can you each take 3 months? Or is it not possible to come back halfway through a semester?
I could see a policy where you can’t take it concurrently being reasonable. So you would take a semester, then he would take the next one off, so that you are not both gone at the same time. But that is not what is happening here.
family leave policies
interesting! one other teaching-specific detail is there’s no real way to “split” the leave…because you can’t teach just half a semester. So any vague of equity goes out the window in practice.
NYNY
How does the leave policy specify the semester timing? If you give birth mid-semester, are you supposed to wait until the next one to take leave?
Anon
At my university, you can choose. Most birth parents take the leave in the semester they give birth, so they don’t have to potentially teach the day after giving birth. But you do have the option to teach that semester and be off the following semester. People also try to time kids for end of semester, especially spring semester. My kid attended a university daycare and the birthday clustering in May and June was very obvious. I think 12 of her 19 classmates were born in those two months.
Anonymous
Um lol no one is teaching the day after giving birth. Professors get sick days.
Also timing delivery is not really available to most people and we’ve got to do away with the narrative that the timing working out as you prefer is anything but very good luck.
Anon
I mean, the data about my kid’s class begs to differ :) Certainly timing is not a thing that works for everyone. But a lot of faculty members (and I assume K-12 teachers) try to do it.
It probably varies, but at my school the one semester leave is really intended to be both your sick leave from birth and your parental leave. I don’t think you would be entitled to any separate sick leave. You could probably get people to cover for you for a week or so (and I do know someone who had a baby in early December the week before finals and did that) but any more than that is kind of pushing it. So if you (understandably!) don’t want to return to the classroom very soon after giving birth, you have to use the leave in the semester in which you give birth.
family leave policies
If you give birth mid-semester, you’re screwed… you have to take off that semester, and end up with a shorter leave after the baby’s birth. Also, if you get put on bed rest or something before the birth, you have to teach the following semester (or I guess take unpaid leave).
Anonymous
It makes sense to me to not allow both parents who are in similar positions to be out for an entire semester at the same time. I dont understand why they don’t allow the parents to switch off. Like mom takes the first semester and dad takes the second. And I don’t understand why this applies to all university employees, regardless of their position. If one parent is the admin assistant for student life and another is a physics professor then that doesn’t put a strain on any particular department.
I think it’d be interesting to test how they respond to mandatory leave. Let’s say the baby is born the first day of the semester. Dad elects to take off the semester. Mom still gets her federally mandated leave, right? Even if it means she has to be back to work at 6 or 8 weeks? And if they have to get someone to fill in for 8 weeks then why not finish out the semester.
Anonie
It’s hugely problematic, and I have to think it carries legal risk if not being outright illegal? It seems like discrimination based on marital or parental status. I.e., both of you would be entitled to a full semester’s benefit, but you’re being discriminated against based upon who your spouse is (another professor at the school) and who your child is (a child of another professor at the school). I would completely set aside the incentive aspect of it (the woman tends to take the leave) and focus on them essentially removing a benefit from one of their employees based on something that has nothing to do with that employee’s job role, performance, qualifications, etc.
In practice (though I know this wouldn’t happen), what would the policy dictate if one of you took your semester leave and then immediately quit – could the other one take their leave? Such a thought exercise might help underscore the absurdity of the policy.
anonshmanon
all of this. This is not a thing at the university of California, but they get only 8 weeks each.
Anon
I also question the legality of this. It seems like discrimination on the basis of marital status. OP, I’m curious what happens if the partners aren’t married.
Anonie
+1. If there is disparate treatment between married and unmarried couples, this could create legal risk.
Anonymous
Well as a legal matter you are simply wrong. Sorry. This sucks but isn’t illegal.
family leave policies
yeah I was wondering about the discrimination question… it feels like framing it via equity might be the way to go. I’m meeting with the dean of DEI and will mention it.
I think you are required to teach for 1 semester post leave; otherwise you have to pay it back.
thanks everyone for comments! this is helpful.
Anon
I find it problematic too. I spearheaded getting paid parental leave at a local gov level and this is the policy they came up with. I figured better to have something than nothing and that it can be updated later, but I don’t like it.
Anonymous
What if you were to have a child with another individual as the parent? And same with your spouse? Are they really in the business of asking who the bio parents of a baby are?!
Anon
So, I am a lawyer, and this is not my area of expertise. I would think that you could make a number of arguments as to why this is illegal–disparate impact based on gender, backed up with statistics. In certain states, like Massachusetts, your leave policy has to be gender neutral. This is on it’s face gender neutral, but it’s not really, in terms of impact. I’d speak with the university ombudsman. It’s also ridiculous in a university, which likely employs thousands, for them to claim “hardship” when the chances of spouses being the same department or actually having operational impacts is likely low. I’d really raise hell about this and take it to your union too.
Anonie
+1. Plus, to the extent they want to claim that the burden on the school is unreasonable to give 2x parental leaves for one child, there are tons of places the university benefits from employing two spouses in terms of cost: (1) to the extent your child gets discounted tuition, that one child only “counts” once for two employees, (2) health insurance – two employees for the price of one insurance package, (3) any other university discounts that are applicable to the whole family – again, two employees on one “family plan”. Probably others I haven’t thought of since I don’t know the system well.
Anon
This mirrors FMLA https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/28l-fmla-spouse
Anon
It’s pretty different though, because most couples can split a 12 week leave evenly. Professors in different departments can’t split a semester of teaching.
Anon
Itinerary/recommended activities for 1 week trip to Acadia in September. Staying in Southwest Harbor…will hike, ride bikes on carriage roads, play golf at Causeway Club, eat lobsters at Beal’s, visit Bar Harbor….appreciate any specific things to do that you love.
Anonymous
Who is going besides you? That sounds like plenty of activities, speaking as someone who just got back from a week-long trip (but with kids). The Shore Path is a great hike to see something different from the carriage roads, although it gets crowded so go early, and maybe during the week. We parked at Otter Cliffs and hiked to Sand Beach and back. If you include Thunder Hole, try to time so you’re there 2 hours before high tide. I wanted to do Beehive and some of the other adventurous hikes, but we went with young kids so that was a no-go.
In Bar Harbor, we love side street cafe, husband loved West St Cafe although my meal was disappointing (I got an appetizer as an entree, though). C-Rays and Beal’s had the best lobster rolls of the trip, and we ate one every day. MDI ice cream is excellent.
Whale watching might be fun; the ride was too long to do with kids (4-6 hours), but if I went solo or with my DH, I’d have added that to the list.
Anonymous
We booked a whale watching tour but it was canceled due to weather. No spots were available for the rest of our time there. So we did a wildlife boat tour instead and it was fun. Got to see the coastline from the water. The highlight of the tour was a very derpy looking bald eagle who had just been in the water. They always look so regal in pictures. This one was very much not regal looking!
Anon
We own a home near Acadia and visit frequently. Beal’s isn’t my favorite but it’s ok. Some of my favorite food spots on the island are Travelin’ Lobster, Abel’s, Asticou Inn (their popovers are the original Jordan Pondhouse recipe and are better than the currents ones at Jordan Pondhouse), Jordan’s for breakfast and Ben & Bill’s for ice cream. Hiking and biking are popular. I can recommend some specific hikes if you tell me more about what you’re looking for. If you don’t get seasick too easily, a boat trip is fun. There are a couple of big schooners that go out of Bar Harbor. Windjammer is the company name I think.
Josie P
Havana for dinner, or Havana Parrilla (outdoor)
Ben & Bill’s for ice cream and fudge
Mt Desert Ice Cream for neat flavors
Reel Pizza for pizza and a movie
Jordan Pond House for popovers and great hiking right there -the stream trail is beautiful
Hunters beach off Cooksey Drive in Seal Harbor – usually really not crowded
Anon
In Bar Harbor, have small plates dinner and drinks at Havana, although the outdoor part might have a different name. Sitting at the bar instead of the tables is a good choice. Hike the Perpendicular Trail on Monsell Mountain.
Anonymous
How adventurous of a hiker are you? We like Beehive, Gorham Mountain and South Bubble, but there are a ton of options. Sunrise in Cadillac Mountain was a bucket list item for me (reserve early). We have done sea kayaking (should be fine in early September, not sure about later in the month) and rock climbing — highly recommend both.
If you are on Facebook, I’d recommend joining one of the Acadia groups — people are very helpful and have tons of info, especially on lesser known hikes
Anon
OP here…thx for all of the excellent tips! Yes we will do Cadillac mountain …will try to reserve sunrise. Going with hubby …we like hikes and biking. Thank you for the restaurant tips everyone and sounds like we need to hit Mt Desert Ice cream!
Anonymous
If you miss sunrise at Cadillac (for us, it was much earlier there than where we came from, because it’s farther north), sunset is also stunning! For all tickets, they release more at noon 2 days ahead of the date you want to go, so if you don’t get them now, try back again.
Anon
It’s not just about being north. Maine is basically in the wrong time zone. It should really be in Atlantic time, but is in eastern because of the desire to keep the whole US east coast together. The US eastern timezone is so wide…Maine and Indiana are in the same time zone, which is crazy. So that makes sunrise in Maine really early year-round. I actually love it (it’s the only place in the world where I’m a morning person!) but understand why many do not.
And agree sunset on Cadillac is just about as nice as sunrise if that’s easier for your schedules.
Anon
Love this tip! Thank you! I just booked a sunset reservation. Will try to get a sunrise reservation but you’re right, sunsets are gorgeous!
Anonymous
How important is responsiveness to you? The older I get the less tolerant I am of people wasting my time or creating unnecessary delay. If given a choice between a mediocre associate who is very responsive, or an awesome associate who is not, I’ll take the former in most circumstances. I find this is true in my personal life too, the friends who don’t respond or drag their feet about making plans sort of fade to the fringes.
I’ve been thinking about this recently because I’m on a case with many co-defendants all represented by separate counsel. Every time I send an email I expect it to take forever to hear back from everyone and I expect to have to prod at least a few people. Fortunately everyone has been working really well together. No prodding needed. It’s amazing. And I’m surprised by how relieved I feel! I didn’t realize just how negatively it affects me to have to chase people down.
Nora
It’s important to me. If you don’t have an answer yet at least tell me you’ve received it or are thinking about it.
anon
It’s important to me, probably to a fault. I’ve learned to be patient about it at work, because oftentimes, the other person isn’t blowing me off; they’re either waiting for an answer or they’re underwater on their own priority items. But in my personal life? I don’t have much tolerance for wishy-washy making of plans; it drives me insane. I’ll move on, quickly, and catch ya next time.
Anon GC
For me that would depend on what you mean by responsiveness. My legal career pre-dates email and I dislike the emphasis on a response within hours – if not minutes – to every communication. I neither want nor need my associates (when I was in private practice) or my outside counsel (now that I am in house) to respond to every email within two hours 2/7, which was my old firm’s official policy. If I need an immediate response I will call.
If you mean people not doing things within the (reasonable) time you set forth in your communication or not sending you things when they said they would, then I share your frustration.
Anonymous
I agree with this, and my legal career doesn’t quite pre-date email (though when I started, it was rarely used for opposing counsel communications). Honestly, if you respond to an email super quickly, unless it’s something very simple, I’m a little concerned you haven’t given it enough thought.
Anonymous
(Also, my priorities are not necessarily your priorities, and some times other things have to come first. I’ve got one associate I am desperately trying to get to understand this. Yes, I saw you sent me an email; no, I have not had a chance to deal with it as it doesn’t need my immediate attention.)
OP
Yeah I get that. I don’t want someone giving me an answer to a complex legal question in 2 hours. But I do want someone to respond to simple questions like, hey do you have time for a call tomorrow, pretty quickly during business hours unless they’re in court or something.
Cat
oh I 100% agree with you. Periodically scanning your inbox for time-sensitive queries like that is part of the job. If you don’t want to do that, tell your admin to monitor your inbox for that stuff to handle it.
Anon
Concur. The problem I had with a company that wanted <15 minute responses on everything was that we had no time to think about anything complex. "Ding!" goes Outlook and it's time to drop whatever we are doing and answer.
Senior Attorney
Yes! My divorce lawyer used to say that the “Three A’s” of being a successful lawyer were, in this order, “availability, affability, and [legal] ability.”
Runcible Spoon
Ha! My advice is same same but different: You have to be available, amiable, and able (otherwise other people will view you as a work-around or will be reluctant to bring their legal problems to you).
Anon
You sound like you need to be way more patient. Maybe not with work, be as demanding as you want, who cares. But give the world some grace, ffs.
Anon
Disagree. With court, deadlines are not fungible, and you have to plan ahead to draft, parties to sign off, and submit to the court. There are plenty of jobs where deadlines don’t matter, but litigation is not one of them. There can be very serious adverse consequences for parties for missing court deadlines, and many judges are sticklers. Chasing and project management are important parts of zealous representation for your client.
Would you want a lawyer who you paid (tens of) thousands of dollars to casually missing court dates? Doubt it.
Anon
I think this person’s point is that friendships aren’t court appearances.
OP
I mean I’m not cutting people off because they didn’t respond soon enough. But I’m not chasing people down for RSVPs either. Sometimes it doesn’t matter, if I’m having a BBQ at my house then if you come great if not that’s cool too. But if you don’t RSVP at all or give me a “maybe” and no definitive answer then you’re probably not on the short list when I do actually need a headcount. Making social plans with busy adults is hard enough without having to endlessly follow up with people who don’t respond to you.
Anon
Any antique homeowners here? I know old houses, but this is our first old house with a stone basement. It’s damp down there. There isn’t standing water, but the floors and walls are noticeably damp, and darkened by moisture in some areas. The basement waterproofing things I see online talk about digging trenches and installing a sump pump…there’s not enough water for that (it doesn’t seem like to me). I don’t want to call a company and get suckered into something that’s not the right system because that’s all they do. But I’ve also seen about digging down on the house’s exterior and installing a moisture barrier on the old stones that way? Anyways, any insight appreciated.
anon
My mother’s house has a stone basement, we always just accepted that it was kind of damp down there. It hasn’t been a problem.
Anonymous
Be very careful about taking advice from any source that is not specifically an expert in historic homes, the construction methods and materials are very different. Stone foundations are intended to breathe, without seeing your specific basement a few considerations would be:
– is your yard graded to drain water away from the foundation?
– are your gutters in good condition to move water away from the foundation?
– has the stone been painted with an impermeable material such as latex paint? if so that needs to be removed (if you want paint real like wash is permeable)
– has the stone been repointed with inappropriate cement mortar? if so that will need to be dug out and replaced with lime mortar.
The above + dehumidifier should be more than enough to fix the issue. Generally you want to avoid using modern materials at all costs because they will cause your foundation to fail.
Anon
Have you tried a dehumidifier? We run ours in our old basement almost constantly
Anon
+1 we keep a dehumidifier going in our old basement. We also kind of rigged it so it constantly drains out into a floor drain (aka we don’t have to remember to go and empty the dehumidifier tank constantly). I think you can buy ones that constantly drain into a sink or drain out of the box.
Anon
It depends where the water is coming from. You don’t need to have standing water in the basement for a sump pump to help move water away from the foundation.
Cat
1. Run a dehumidifier. If you have any plumbing in your basement, it’s worth the effort to set up the continuous operation (i.e., it drains out a hose rather than filling a tank) but well worth it either way.
2. I was taught stone walls like that are designed to breathe and sealing them can cause problems, but not sure of the source!
Anonymous
Your only real choice here is to contact a company who specializes in antique homes because you need to use materials and methods designed for use in antique homes. They can get to the source of the problem and solve it properly, as well as see if there are any additional problems created by anything that might have been done to the basement over the years.
Anon
If you live in a neighborhood with lots of old homes, check the community FB page – you’re not likely to be the first person with this issue.
Runcible Spoon
Or talk to your neighbors
Josie P
+1. We did a French drain outside the foundation and it has improved the amount of water in the basement.
Anon
we did French drains inside and outside plus a sump pump. we also wanted to insulate so we built freestanding walls out of foam board on the outside of the French drain (not touching the fieldstone). it’s dry as a bone down there, and it used to flood.
Trixie
Use a dehumidifier. It is a game changer in our 102 year old home.
Elle
First time mom, I have a work trip planned for week 29 of my pregnancy. My doctor has said I should be fine to travel until week 36. Should I ask work to pay the extra ~$100 for the refundable ticket or do I just book a normal ticket?
Anon.
I would ask.
I dont want to scare you, but please figure out a plan for where you’ll go in case of a pregnancy emergency during your business trip, and what the implications of that might be for your and company’s risk management (e.g. insurance coverage etc). You do not want to get stuck in another state for weeks with a preemie in the NICU.
FWIW I had personal travel around that stage of pregnancy and was totally fine, but I would not travel after week 34 or so.
Anon
+1. I had a friend who had a perfectly healthy first pregnancy up to week 30, when she unexpectedly went into labor and delivered within two hours (she was thankfully close to home). Another friend, same thing, very healthy first pregnancy, no problems, delivered at week 32. It happens. In both cases, the babies had to be in the NICU for awhile. Definitely know what your options are, OP, and have a backup plan.
Anon
I’d book a normal ticket, unless maybe you work for a small business.
Anonymous
It wouldn’t occur to me to ask permission for a $100 fee. If your company is that strict then you should probably ask.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I would book it without asking, but if you have to ask, then ask. I would not book a non-refundable ticket unless the company insisted.
Anon
At a big corporation you’d be expected to follow policy, which usually means booking fares in a certain way. Corporate booking wouldn’t operate the same way as an individual person booking their own flight. For example, cancelling a nonrefundable is a complete non-issue at my company. Expensing a refundable fare would be a problem though, because they’d have to approve a non-compliant expense. So book within your policy or get approval to deviate.
anon
I’m 26 weeks this week and plan to fly until about 32 weeks. I won’t go to any locations that don’t have top-tier medical systems, so I’m sticking to Dallas, NYC, DC more or less. I also won’t do x-country flights because of just flight duration and general lack of comfort (I’m in Boston). Talked to my doc Friday about this. It’s not the flight that’s the risk – not the up/down or pressurization, which is what I had figured was the risk. Rather, it’s the risk of having a complication/issue in whatever non-hometown locale you happen to be in and the quality of the medical systems.
So, to answer your question, just book regular and the submit the expense. Then, if you have to cancel you cancel and get travel credit for your next flight when you’re back to work again post baby.
An anecdote: A coworker went to rural VA to visit family and ended up giving birth at 27 weeks/Christmas Eve. They had to stay there for months and months before the baby could be safely transported back to Boston. I think they got back in March-ish. Take that plus out of network care for insurance, and oh my word… I cannot imagine.
That’s enough to keep me grounded after 32 weeks even if doc says I’m safe to fly for a few more weeks.
Anon
I can one up that. I know someone who gave birth in Hawaii on a babymoon around 26 weeks. The baby was in the NICU for ~four months. The mom ended up exhausting her maternity leave and having to quit her job. Dad went home to earn income and only visited I think twice during the first four months of the baby’s life. The costs of the out of network medical care and living in Hawaii on short notice decimated them financially.
I didn’t travel after the point of viability for that reason, except to cities where I had good family support and would have had free housing if my baby had ended up in the hospital for months.
Anonymous
What did you tell your employer about (not) traveling after viability but before you wanted to disclose your pregnancy? All of these stories are horrifying!
Anon
I don’t do much work travel in general, although it happened that I had a conference I was scheduled to attend when I was about 28ish weeks I think. Everything was booked way in advance (before I was even pregnant), and then when I disclosed my pregnancy to work around 14 weeks I told them that I wasn’t going. I blamed it a bit on my OB (who supported my decision to not go). They weren’t thrilled but they dealt with it. Someone else got to go in my place, since I backed out pretty early.
I might reconsider it today, with remote work being more of a thing. At least I wouldn’t get fired if I got stuck in some random city for four months. But it still would be a hard pass going to Hawaii or anywhere else that expensive and hard to reach.
Anonymous
I also don’t want to scare you but did want to offer anecdata. A good friend had a very healthy low risk pregnancy and went into labor and delivered at 30 weeks on their babymoon and ended up being stuck there for 4 months while baby was in nicu. I think it is extremely unlikely it will happen but the potential consequences are big! I’m currently 21 weeks pregnant and my personal rule is I only want to travel to big cities within 32 weeks, and after that I’d like to just stick around 2 hr car trips from home.
Runcible Spoon
Anecdata: My sister was a “geriatric” first time mom (40+ years old). She went on a business trip to NYC, just for a day or two, and went into a dangerously high blood pressure/pre-eclampsic-type shock situation and was transported to the emergency room. The remedy was to induce labor about 7 weeks early. The newborn was in the NICU for about 5 weeks until she could suckle on her own. Luckily, we have wealthy relatives who “keep” an apartment on Central Park, where my sister camped out until the baby was released. Oh, also, she was a newlywed, and she did not bring her marriage license with her on this quick out-of-town trip, so the birth certificate had to be amended later to add the father’s name (and surname).
Anon
There are a lot of scary anecdata stories that were posted and I don’t want to minimize them but they are also definitely outliers. Most people do not have premature babies. I would buy a normal ticket in your circumstances and traveled for work with both pregnancies around that time. If things change and you have to cancel the trip, I am sure it will work itself out with your company either way.
New winter coat shopping
I’m in the market for a new winter coat. I live in the Midwest, Chicago area. I m prettyh outdoorsy, so I need something that will keep me warm in freezing weather. I already own a lighter synthetic puffer coat for when it’s above freezing.
Looking for
– longer length (I’m thinking 3/4, i.e. to mid-thigh/knee, but not to the floor)
– hood
– water-repellent/resistant (coat should be able to handle snow)
– easily washable
– somewhat durable that will last me several seasons – my last coat was +10 years old but has lost some of its down now to the point where it’s not warm enough
I’m looking at the LL Bean Ultrawarm 3/4 Length coat.
https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/42358?page=ultrawarm-coat-three-quarter-length
Does anyone have this one, or any other recommendations?
Cat
You did get several suggestions yesterday- did something about those not appeal?
https://corporette.com/coffee-break-knotted-headbands/#comment-4462161
New winter coat recs
Oh my bad, I did not see my comment (not even the “in moderation” message), so I assumed something had gone wrong while posting.
Will check back there, thanks for alerting me.
Cat
no worries. FWIW, any word that includes e11en will send you straight to no-mans-land. Rep3ll3nt in your case though exc3ll3nt always gets me!
Sasha
Surprisingly, I did see a comment directly referencing her on a post a few weeks back! Can’t remember if the poster censored her name (it was in the content of them calling another poster that name as a joke) but I was surprised to see it get through mod
Anon
I love my parka from Aritzia. They didn’t have any in-store this weekend in downtown Chicago but some of the coats are already available online.
Anon
I’ve had good luck with Land’s End and Kamik coats.
If you’re outdoorsy and don’t already have a pair, insulated bibs are a lifesaver. I have these and they saved my life volunteering outdoors in the winter: https://tinyurl.com/2knwwbtd
Mpls
I went with Eddie Bauer for my long down coat, over LL Bean, because they had tall sizes (longer sleeves) that fit me better. But LL Bean is going to be a good choice if it fits you well.
Anon who finally did the thing reporting back
About a year ago, I wrote in about some intense shame I was feeling related to neglecting my dental health for years and needing a lot of dental work. After a lot of kind encouragment, I just embraced the fact that I was correcting the issue and needed to hold my head high and move forward. I’m on the other side now, and just had a routine cleaning. The hygenist was with me for the whole journey, and she was so proud today of the work I’ve done to stablize and fix things. I’m proud too!! Thank you to this community. For me, the keys were finding a dentist where I could make appointments online and finding a dentist that didn’t make me feel bad. For me, going to a corporate chain (https://www.hellotend.com/) was the right choice. I love and respect indpendent local dentists (have some friends in this catagory) and I absolutely believe here are advantages to going that route. In the end though, I just needed it to be as easy as possible.
Anon
Yay — you did The Thing!
Anon
That’s awesome!
As someone with Bad Teeth, it’s so great to get that validation from your dentist/hygienist. Mine hygienist once said “I made sure you were on my list today when I saw your name on the appointments” and I rode that high for a long time.
Anonymous
You just inspired me to book my overdue teeth cleaning.
Anonymous
I also did this thing this year! And I’m so proud of myself. It wound up being a bunch of appointments but now I’m in great shape.
OP
Same here. I probably had 10 appointments total (including a few with a peridonist). It was a long and tedious journey, but I’m so happy to be where I am now.
Anonymous
I’m currently trying to psych myself up to do this too. The fear is real. And compounded by ADHD and a lot of other things going on too. But the sooner I do it the sooner its over right?
Anon
Oh I am so happy for you!! Great job!!
anon
Congratulations! I’m so happy you put this behind you. I know so many people who are in the position you were in who haven’t been to the dentist for years; it’s so much more common than you think.
Senior Attorney
Hooray! High five for Doing the Thing!!
Anon
I went through this a few years back and felt the same way you do — so great to have it done!
anon a mouse
I’ve had all our insurances on autopilot since we moved five years ago, and when I got the renewal notices the premiums seemed high – our combined total (home/auto/umbrella) has tripled in the last five years! We did get a new car in that time, but no other major changes.
Obviously I need to shop around for cheaper/better coverage. Are there brokers who do this or is the best way to just call several companies for quotes? What about policy genius or an online marketplace? I feel so dumb I did not notice this budget creep but even cutting the premiums in half would be a nice vacation for us.
LA Law
There are brokers and it is highly localized. If you have a neighborhood FB page, it can be a good resource.
But also, insurance premiums in many places have risen dramatically – where you can still get private insurance. People in my neighborhood are struggling to buy insurance on their houses at all because of the increased risk and construction costs. California and Florida are both having a crisis. So if you live somewhere with higher risk, you might not be able to do much.
Anon
If you live in a coastal area or any place where there is wildfire risk (which I think is most everywhere, these days), your home insurance premium has likely gone up, possibly by a lot, and you may not do better by shopping around. I have our home and auto bundled with Progressive and our home insurance premium went from $1100 to $1600 last year. I shopped around and was told “that is a great rate, you should stay with Progressive” by a couple of brokers (!).
We don’t live in an area that is particularly vulnerable to disasters but other people do, and so everyone is paying higher premiums as a result.
anonshmanon
I tried policy genius recently and was not impressed.
For car insurance, they’ve tried to increase my premium in 2022 and 2023. Each time I called them and (obviously politely) asked why the price is going up so much. Each time they said that they assumed 3x the mileage (coming back to the office etc), and when I read them my odometer, they were able to give me the lower premium.
I don’t know if something like this exists for other insurance though! Always worth asking them to help you understand the price increase!
Anon
The kicker for me is that our longtime insurance company (Liberty Mutual) wanted to charge $9k per year to insure my 18 year old son who had just gotten his license. We stuck with them because our homeowners was so cheap. Other companies wanted over $4k to write a home policy. I eventually found Auto-Owners, which has been very reasonable and we are saving a ton on our umbrella policy, over $1k. They only go through brokers but you can find one through their website. Definitely shop around!
Anon
Be sure to understand what coverage you are actually getting before you switch to something cheaper. It is not great to find out when you go to make a claim that a cheaper premium means the policy did not cover what you thought it did.
Also, depending on the age & type of car you replaced (and definitely on whether you have teenage drivers now on the policy), auto rates can vary tremendously for a new vehicle.
Anon
Insurance has just gone up a ton in the last few years. You could work with a broker but this is probably not worth the time.
Senior Attorney
If you qualify for USAA, they are head and shoulders above the competition.
Anon
So good! If you or anyone of whom you are/have been a dependent has ever served, you likely qualify.
Go for it
Only if the person who served had the USAA themselves
I checked ~Arrgh
Anon
Can definitely try a broker. I also called around to a couple of different specific agents when we bought our house (State Farm etc) and now they check in with me yearly with updated estimates without me asking, which is amazing! That being said- insurance premiums have sky rocketed these past few years and my bundled Progressive has always been the best. Someone totaled my car last year and when speaking to my adjuster he said the used car prices are driving it (they paid me $300 less than I originally bought my 5 year old car for).
Anon
Home insurance is just way more expensive because of climate change. You don’t need to beat yourself up about it!
anon
DH worked in insurance and steered us towards the mid-size regional insurance companies as opposed to the big national ones. He researched it in reverse so he figured out which insurer he wanted, then found a local broker that sold policies for that insurer. My impression so far is that a local broker is the way to go. FWIW, our $850k home policy ran us $996 this year and our auto is about $1,100/year. But we’re in a state without wildfire risk.
Lisbon and Sao Miguel Hotel Rec
Travel help from the amazing hive pls!
I would greatly appreciate hotel or other accommodation recommendations for Lisbon and Ponta Delgada. I am not planning to rent a car in Lisbon – I bought a travel card – but I do have a car rental for Sao Miguel. My biggest requirements are clean, safe, and reasonably close to things or close to public transportation (Lisbon). I would love to stay under $200/night.
Thank you in advance!
Anon
I stayed in As Janelas Verdes 17 years ago, and it was fantastic.
Anon
In Lisbon.
joan wilder
In Ponta Delgada, we stayed at the Convento de Sao Francisco, a hotel in a former convent. It’s been a while but it was under $200/night
Anon
I’m considering a job opportunity in Dallas, relocating from East Coast. Please talk to me about pros/cons! My husband and I are late 30s, TTC so childcare and schools are important. I visited the downtown area and Highland Park. Seems like a city of highways, which is ok. I’m also somewhat concerned about the political atmosphere. Appreciate any feedback from Dallas residents!
Anon
I wouldn’t try to get pregnant in Texas.
Anon
+1
Anon
+1000
Anon
+1 I wouldn’t go to texas while pregnant, let along voluntarily choose to go live there.
Healthcare in Texas
Just don’t.
Anon
You’re the poster whose brother is struggling to get care, right? You pop into my head sometimes and I hope things are going better for you all.
Healthcare in Texas
Yes, I am. Thanks for writing. He finally saw the specialist we think he needs – about six months into this mess. Because even once he had real insurance, that is just how long it takes to find someone who is accepting new patients and has appointments available.
I cannot imagine navigating this system (more accurately, this intentionally-left-to-be-a-ghost-of-a-system) + TTC + all the potential mishaps of being pregnant/delivering – – – only to be rewarded with the prospect of Governor Abbot getting to decide what my kid gets to be taught in school.
Cat
Nope.
Married a Dallasite
My husband and I live on the east coast. He is from Dallas. His family is still in Dallas. He will never go back. He says “there are two kinds of people that grow up in Dallas. Those that never leave and those that never go back.”
This isn’t meant to be a downer on Dallas because it’s a lovely place. But here are s husbands reasons for never entertaining moving back:
1) Dallas proper (the city) has terrible schools. If you want a public school, you are in the suburbs and the sprawl is immense and real. Or, you live in highland park which has its own reputation (and I downside and the homes are fairly small for what you get). There are some excellent private schools (DH attended one) but they are $$$.
2) we have girls that might become pregnant.
3) DH went to a very well known private school. His opinion is that while decent on the outside, there is a very toxic masculinity culture in them. That was late 90s but he said he’d never want to raise a gay kid in Dallas. Are there gays? Obviously. But it’s easier to be gay in MA than Dallas.
4) lack of personality- big box store after big box store. I’m not sure where I’m the east coast you’d be moving from but driving in the loops around Dallas (George bush/635) or your 75 and it’s just the same stores cut-and-pasted in new towns.
5) so much Jesus. Too much Jesus for us. This is true in many places, but not where we live on the coast. I’m not even going to touch the mega churches, which are very real, but everyone is way more church oriented than I care to have in my life. Not so much as a young 20 something but…it’s there.
6) we are far too liberal. I mean, we own a gun. I’ve voted for republicans. But we are both far too socially liberal to deal with Texas generally. Is Dallas more liberal than Amarillo? Sure. But not enough to make it a consideration.
7) if you need public transportation, it doesn’t really exit. That’s a non issue for us just beware it is 100% a car city.
On the pros side, the job opportunity are great and the cost per square foot is decent. Many many great restaurants, airport hub, a mall with penguins, my kids love the American girl store, plus drive through liquor stores. What more could you want!
Married a Dallasite
Oh, and the weather. It’s gross. I mean, up in new england we have horrible snow so I’m not one to trash a city’s weather. But let’s just say that even though he’s lived in new england for 25 years, my husband still parks in the one shaded spot in the entire parking lot because that’s how he grew up.
Also, another fun fact is that many many many MANY people in Dallas have guns. Like just sitting in their cars in the glove box. Source: every single member of his extended family over 18, every one of FIL and MIL’s neighbors have a C&C license. Now, Dh will tell you- -and I think he’s right– that guns are just more socially acceptable and many more people know how to properly use them and have them for sport. But man…we went to a gun show in Dallas once just to sight see and…there are some Things to See. Like an 18 year old carrying some kind of awful machine gun type thing (this is the extent of my knowledge; it was some kind of assault rifle).
Anon
I’m not super familiar with Dallas in particular, but I live in a light blue city in a dark red state and we’ve built a really wonderful life here. I find the “just don’t” attitudes expressed here every time someone mentions a potential move to a red state really off-putting. There are parts of every state that are politically conservative and unpleasant to live in, and a major city like Dallas is going to feel much more cosmopolitan, diverse and liberal than, say, rural California. The capital city in my state is substantially more diverse and integrated than many major coastal cities. There are scenarios in which we would consider leaving (the most likely one being a tr@ns child), but that’s a bridge to cross in the future.
Moose
Yes, I feel like there is a lot of black-and-white thinking about places…
bird in flight
I generally agree with you, as someone who lives in a red area in a purple state. Red becomes purple the more we can all just realize that liberals and conservatives are normal people – and it’s way easier when you’re neighbors.
However the fact OP is TTC is a pretty big red flag for me when it comes to a Texas move. It’s not entirely rational since it’s very, very likely that the pregnancy will be completely normal and safe, but on the off chance it’s not, Texas is just not a safe place for women having pregnancy complications right now.
Anon
She’s late 30s, that’s statistically more complicated. I wouldn’t consider it, there’s not enough odds you could quickly get elsewhere to get needed help.
Anon
I’d generally agree but OP is TTC. You couldn’t pay me enough to risk my health in a state like Texas at that stage of life. Once she’s in her 50s and squarely in menopause, fine.
NYCer
I have a good friend who relocated to Dallas from Los Angeles for her husband’s job, and they have been overall quite happy there. They live in the Bluffview area and have three kids. Cost of living is obviously way cheaper than LA, and they have made good, like-minded friends. They do spend a chunk of the summer in Colorado and California (my friend is a SAHM), so they are able to escape the summer heat. I don’t think they ever would have moved to Texas but-for his job, but he likes his new position, so they made it work there.
Anonie
Oh my goodness. So, so many cons:
1. The weather is awful. So, so hot. Look at the forecasts, and realize the reality of 90+ degrees means you will not be able to comfortably recreate outside.
2. Politics – uh, yeah. Very red.
3. TTC – obviously v dangerous to be receiving pregnancy care or deal with any pregnancy complications in TX right now.
4. City of highways – this is correct. There is almost no natural beauty.
5. Long long commutes – people like to talk about the lower cost of living in Texas, but that’s only because an hour-plus long commute (driving, obviously) is “normal.” If you want to live within a half hour of downtown offices, the housing is going to be pretty pricey.
6. No public transportation.
7. No cool vacation destinations within driving distance, unless you like Gulf Coast beaches or other cities that are exactly like Dallas. Or New Orleans.
8. Schools – I mean. Google the news on changes TX is making to school curriculum.
Pros: presumably this job is jaw-droppingly awesome for you to even be considering this?
Source: grew up and lived as an adult for 5+ years in a big city in TX; lived 5+ years on the East Coast.
Anon
Dallas is not “very red.” Hillary Clinton won by 25+ points and Biden won by 30+. If you need the Democrat to win by more than 30 points there are not that many places you can live.
Anonie
Plenty of people who are not Dallas residents and voted Republican commute in and will be in OP’s workplace and life. All major metropolitan areas are blue, that’s a given, but blue in TX is pretty different from blue on the East Coast. The state is still red, and statewide policies can still impact OP’s life significantly.
See here: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2020-12-04/how-metro-areas-voted-in-the-2020-election
Dallas metro area: 49.9% for Biden
NYC: 63%
DC: 72%
Boston: 67%
Anon
I mean it’s not as liberal as Boston and DC, ok. But describing a place that voted for Biden, even by a small margin, as “very red” is absurd to me.
Moose
As someone from and living in Dallas, I feel the existing responses are not very helpful…you’re trying to make a real life decision and need information. I think it would be helpful to know specifically what your expectations/dealbreakers are in more detail, but a have some thoughts:
– If you are not comfortable with certain statewide laws, that’s totally understandable. Unfortunately it’s the state of things right now.
– If you’re not familiar with or tolerant of summer heat, this may not be for you! But we do have fairly mild winters, which is a bonus for some who hate long grey months.
– Dallas is a very large, diverse, blue city, but yes, we do have conservative influences and residents. If you lean liberal you can certainly find people of like mind here, it will just not be ubiquitous like in other places. If a very strong liberal-leaning environment is important to you, this will not be that, BUT it is not the stereotype that some believe it to be.
– Major international airport (DFW) makes it easy to travel.
– There are a number of neighborhoods/suburban areas with good schools, depending on what your priorities are.(Strong opinions ahead) I personally wouldn’t live in or send my children to Park Cities/Highland Park schools. It is a “public” school system that serves a separately-governed suburb within the city – very small, very white, very privileged bubble of people, where most people live in multi-million dollar homes. I have known many lovely people who live there, but it’s not for me. I went to Dallas public schools and the inner-city nature of it scares certain folks, but the quality of individuals schools and feeder patterns vary a lot – I had a good experience. Lake Highlands is a pretty area and is know for nice schools. Richardson as well. And of course, there are folks that are ride-or-die for private schools, of which there are many.
– It is certainly a driving city, and commutes are a real thing to consider. Public tr@nsportation exists but its not great. However, it is fairly easy to get around. Highways systems are plentiful.
– Almost all major tours (music, comedy, etc.) stop here. If you like professional sports, we got it – baseball, football, hockey, basketball, etc.
– I can’t speak to childcare at the present, unfortunately.
Seventh Sister
My childfree sister and elderly parents live near Munger Place / Swiss Avenues. They really like it, nice big houses and a nice community, but they are fairly traditional people. My parents are Tr*mpers, but my sister and BIL are decidedly not (they had a huge Beto sign, vote for Democrats, BIL describes himself as a communist, etc.). There’s a bit more crime than my parents expected, but they are used to really, really slow rural areas/exurbs, so I’m hoping they will calm down and stop reacting to every Nextdoor/FB notification about that stuff. It does seem spread out and the weather seems terrible, but the shopping is pleasant in a very suburban way (it was so weird to go a supermarket that wasn’t a scrum of shouting people like our LA Costco).
Some of their neighbors’ kids do go to the local public schools, which I did not expect since there are a lot of “Highland Park or bust” types and people who leave her neighborhood for suburbs. School reputations and quality can change a lot over time, so especially if your kids aren’t even born, I wouldn’t be too concerned with local school quality.
PJ
This is a great summary. Not for everyone but we’ve built a great life in Dallas.
The key is wfh or reasonable commute, including schools/childcare.
Anon
I think the weather and the fact that so much of social life revolves around church would be bigger issues for me personally than the politics. Dallas itself is pretty liberal, and I live in a red state currently so I’m used to disagreeing with decisions made at the state level.
Anon
I don’t live in Dallas, but I live in the capitol of a southern state. Social life certainly doesn’t revolve around church in most circles. I have friends who go to church, but never once have I had to go to some sort of church event to find friends! In my tiny town growing up, life revolved around where you went to church, but I do think it’s very possible to find a life outside that in bigger cities, even in the Bible Belt.
Meg
I’m tired of scrolling so much! I think having reading materials about will help me replace the habit. Does anyone still subscribe to print magazines that they like? I used to love Reader’s Digest, but the last time I picked one up at a news stand it was shorter than I remembered and read like a flyer full of “affiliate” content.
anon
I get a ton: Garden & Gun, Southern Living, National Geographic, a couple of political magazines. Those are the ones I get in print – I also read Town & Country, The Atlantic, and a few others via Apple Newsstand.
Anon
+1 to Garden and Gun
OOO
Interesting, never heard of this one!
Anon
New Yorker’s a classic for a reason. The Atlantic is good, too.
Anon
Same.
Senior Attorney
My husband loves The Economist. We also like Food and Wine.
OOO
I’ve been subscribing to Vanity Fair for years. I don’t usually read it from cover to cover, but there are usually one or two articles per issue that are really good and that I end up thinking about later and telling other people about, so that’s worth the subscription to me.
Seventh Sister
Vanity Fair is my favorite subscription. I mean to resubscribe to Town & Country, but it’s much fluffier so I tend to just buy the odd copy at airporats.
Honestly, sometimes think I’m too dumb for the New Yorker, or at least I don’t want to read 10000 words about some poet’s favorite New England summer cottage.
Runcible Spoon
The trick with the New Yorker is to pick just one article per issue to read — who has time for it otherwise? It can get overwhelming. And then recycle the magazines, don’t save them to read later, won’t happen!
Anon
Sunset, Food and Wine, New York Magazine (not the New Yorker–different, with way better pop culture and politics coverage), Vanity Fair (if you want elevated People content), Nat Geo, the Atlantic, Businessweek.
Anonymous
NatGeo is the only one I subscribe to, but I’ll steal my parents’ copy of Garden & Gun, and occasionally buy The Economist. This is pretty specific and depends on your tastes, but Bitter Southerner is also excellent.
Runcible Spoon
Perhaps try the Atlantic magazine, or the New Republic — very good long-form journalism and opinion pieces. And maybe a local/regional magazine, like the Washingtonian in the DC area, to keep up with new restaurants and local matters.