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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
These pants from Marine Layer have a lot of buzz and great reviews. They’re made from a Tencel/spandex fabric, so they’re going to be super soft and a little stretchy. Perfect for a business casual look.
They come in 11 (!) different colorways, but I really like this windowpane version. I would wear them with a bright blazer and some oxfords.
The pants are $98 and come in sizes XS–XL.
A couple of plus-size options are these navy pants from Athleta (sale price $44.99) and these black ankle pants from Amanda and Chelsea (sale price $39.97).
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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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Ribena
I can see the model is ready to go paddling in them.
(Any other tall women who just can’t do slightly cropped trousers because they bring back memories of too-short trousers and jeans when you were kids? Or is that just me?)
Anon
Same.
Oh so anon
I can hear my dad now: “are we expecting high water?!”
Anon
Am I the only one who would respond with equal parts thankfulness for the rest of the email and complete snark at the last part? He needs to be put in his place. They all do.
anon
Oh, same. Like we’re doing this on purpose? Still? Where was this freedom in 1997?
Anon
Wait, what are we talking about? Did I miss something?
Anon
Oh, just saw the thread below.
Anon
These pants are terrible for tall people, they’re even shorter in person, basically shorts. They also run really small. Went right back.
Anon
I’m 5-5 and they work for me and my 5-6 daughter. I wouldn’t wear them if I were taller. They have been good soft pants for the pandemic for going into the office and when kiddo needs to look nicer. So, shorties and averagettes: these are for us! Now, those long jackets OTOH . . .
PolyD
I love ankle pants. I don’t like them with those sandals, though.
The few times I went out last year, and it was all to hang out outdoors, I wore cropped jeans with my blue combat boots. The length of the jeans showed off the boots nicely.
It’s sort of funny, ankle pants have been around for so long now that straight, regular length pants look dowdy to me. Like, full length trousers with some flow look fine, but straight pants that end at the top of the shoe look dowdy. I’m 53, maybe the straight, regular length pants remind me too much of 1990s business casual.
Anon
Maybe this is the sort of footwear I need now. What kind do you have?
PolyD
Taos! I also got some cool olive green ones from Miz Mooz.
AZCPA
LOVE Taos boots. The Crave are my favorite, but there are other great styles are well. Huge fan of narrow cropped pants with them.
Anonymous
I feel the same re. pant length. A true ankle length, not a weird crop, looks the most stylish to me. A long flowing wide-leg trouser is also fine, but a top-of-shoe length in straight-leg pants or a floor-dragging bootcut strikes my eye as outdated and frumpy.
Anon
Also the same. I finally managed to find a pair of straight leg cropped jeans that are the right length on me. They look so much better to my eye than a straight leg that breaks on the top of my shoe.
Brunette Elle Woods
I can’t wear cropped anything and I’m 5’8”. I just always feel like their too short rather than actually made to be that length.
Anon
They don’t work for me because my calves are too big and they get ride up and get stuck on my calves. Which happens in other pants, but it’s really bad with these ones.
Senior Attorney
Oh, man. I had a pair of ankle pants very similar to this for, like, ten years. They went out with an Assistance League donation batch early in the summer. Which, I presume, is what made the universe decide they are going to be all the rage this fall. *sigh*
Anon
Nah, not these. The fall rage is cropped flares. These are pandemic pants.
Senior Attorney
Ugh can’t do cropped flares. On short-legged me they’re just “slightly too short flares.”
Cornellian
I feel like they look liek that on anyone under 6’4 and over 140 lbs! I’m getting old, I guess.
Anonymous
These pants should not be plaid.
Anon
As a tall, I’m trying to figure out why we decided to hate ankle pants today after 10+ years of ankle pants?
I like it when ankle pants are a thing because all pants are ankle pants on me.
Anonymous
I also like it when ankle pants are a thing. The problem I have is when “ankle pants” end up looking like capris on me.
nuqotw
+1. I remember wearing boys jeans for a bit (my decision) at about 14 because they were sized by waist and inseam.
Anon
I would not respond and if I did, I would not mention he miscarriages, among other reasons, because that would actually partly vindicate him. It would make it seem it would have been OK to say this if you had not miscarried. This is never OK.
Anon
Wow, that was for the post below.
Calico
Hive, how should I respond to this email? I had an outdoor celebration of life party for my father last weekend. Last night I got an email from one of my Dad’s close friends who attended. He’s in his early 70s, like my father was. The email started off great, he thanked me for the party, said my dad would have loved it and that my dad was so proud of me. Lovely!
Until he signed it “Also, note that the one thing your dad really hoped for was grandkids.”
I’m 44. Whaddaya say, hive? Should I tell him about my miscarriages? Write back Noted!?
I’m so angry right now. The nerve.
Anon
It’s gross but I would ignore it. He’s grieving too and grief makes people say inappropriate things. I’m sorry for your loss.
Anon
This.
Anon
He is your dad’s friend and traveled to this and reached out to write, so I don’t think he’s doing anything but reacting to his emotions (vs trying to hurt yours). Just be the better person here. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.
Anon2
Agree
Senior Attorney
Yes. If ever there were a Just Say Fooey and Move On moment, this is it. I’m sorry for your loss.
Anon
Agree. This man is not going to learn a lesson from you. He’s just going to think you’re irrational, emotional, insert-sexist-adjective-here.
I’m sorry for your losses, truly.
Cat
omg, no advice, but so much commiseration. Family on my dad’s side tends to marry young and produce 3-4 grandchildren each. I also married relatively young but we haven’t had kids and – since there is a whole pack of cousins my age – every wedding the aunties talk about what a blessing new babies are, hint hint!!! Nothing else matters (career, community, travel, home projects, nothing); only changing the subject to THEIR children results in enthusiastic chatter.
I’m so over it and am fresh out of polite responses. I’m sorry he felt the need to snip at you that way.
Ribena
Ugh what is it with men in this age group? At a family wedding recently a man in this age bracket spent ages telling us about how he was told he was a sure entry for a particular Oxbridge college but decided he wanted to go to a different one instead, which he managed to get into due to the jolly rapport he built with the interviewing academic. The chip on my shoulder about having been rejected from Oxford after being told my whole childhood and up to the age of 17 that I was a dead cert – the chip that I have spent the last decade trying to get past – went RIGHT back onto my shoulder.
In your shoes, OP, I would probably just not reply to the email. I don’t know that that’s the ‘right’ thing to do, though.
Anonymous
You should not respond.
anon
What I am going recommend: ignoring it and not responding.
What I truly want to recommend: writing a scathing email back to him putting him in his place even though I know full well it won’t make a difference in his attitude/approach.
RAWRing on your behalf
Anon
“Thank you for your lovely note. Your friendship meant a lot to my father and his life was enriched by having you in it. Yes, my father would have loved to have grandkids; he grieved my numerous miscarriages almost as much as my husband and I did. My best, Calico.”
But that’s actually how I roll, soo…..
anon
This is beautiful. I’m sorry, OP. I’m sure this guy has his redeeming qualities, but that note was an a-hole move.
Anon
This!
Anon
+1
I would not let that comment go.
Anon
Same. I don’t think you should let it go.
PolyD
I would totally do this. I know the guy is old, but maybe he’ll think twice about poking women about childbearing and avoid inflicting this hurt on someone else.
I mean, probably not, but we can dream.
Anonymous
I understand the temptation, but don’t do this. Your father‘s friend was reporting something he knew about your father. Yes it was an asshole move because of the impact on you, but it wasn’t intended that way. Don’t make his grief worse because you are angry. I’m sorry for your loss.
Cat
It wasn’t intended that way? What is the possible intent other than “I am nagging you to have children [using your dead father as an excuse]”?
Anon
I’m the Anon at 9:06. My guess is that Calico’s dad was a gentleman (in the sense of that being a high compliment about his character). The friend assumes that the gentleman father would not harass his own kid about grandkids; instead, he mourns to friends. The correction of the assumption is that the gentleman father did not run his mouth about his daughter’s personal medical information.
Anon
Maybe the kinder spin is that that generation would not discuss a child’s miscarriage but in his own way, your father mourned the loss of your children in a way that the friend interpreted as “wanting grandchildren.” In my generation, I would publicly mourn any miscarriage of my daughters as “the loss of their [unborn] child” vs just uncategorized grief re grandchildren. I think we talk about pregnancy loss now among us youngs but not so much my parents’ or grandparents’ generations (just like they don’t talk about female-only cancers, etc.). It may be different sides of the same feeling, especially as expressed by one old person to a peer.
Anonymous
Remembering something poignant your father expressed to him. Seeking a moment of connection with you.
I think you want to be mad, and that’s okay, but you’d be better served by letting it go and not making this into more than it is. People say a lot of dumb, insensitive, and hurtful things every single day. Do you really think this is worth blowing up into a huge thing for someone you’re not even going to see again if you don’t want to? If I exploded my righteous anger on every man who said something dumb to me, I’d never have time for anything else.
Anon
Eff his grief, he’s an a$$.
Anonymous
Hard disagree. This is more than just reporting something this guy knew about OP’s father like sharing a sweet memory that OP hadn’t heard would have been. This comment seems to imply not only that OP should have children now but that she let her father down by not having them sooner. I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell this guy off but I think the script above is absolutely appropriate.
Anonymous
Nope nope nope. Ring theory of grieving. Totally ok to call him out for dumping in in this particularly unkind way. And the language Anon suggested is a much kinder response than my knee jerk one (which starts with f and ends with u).
OP, I’m am sorry for your losses.
Anon
Yes, this so much. And I’m so sorry for all of your losses, OP.
Anon
+100. I understand he’s grieving too, but perhaps next time he’ll think about what he’s saying a little more carefully.
Anon
IDK my best on-the-job training was if you can’t say it as a waitress when waiting tables, you just shouldn’t say it. It is the best habit I’ve ever had, just not responded even though I surely would love to sometimes.
Monday
Hmm, I don’t agree with that philosophy. For one thing, servers shouldn’t have to accept abjectly cruel comments either. But even if they must, why act like you’re subservient, and relying on someone for your livelihood, when in fact you’re not in that position?
Anon
Nah, don’t be a doormat. That is not a good way to live life.
Nom
I think you can totally say this. It’s something that would be an appropriate response if you were talking in person … though I am never quick enough to say this kind of thing IRL, and I default to shooting ice daggers from my eyes which is probably *less* polite.
That said, it also feels like opening the door to further communication/interaction with this guy, which is the opposite of what I would want. Also I would expect that he would share this info about you far and wide, so there’s that to consider. (IME older dudes are extra gossipy but maybe that is just my fam.)
Anon
Right. Chose to end things by ENDING THINGS. Not by escalating things. Maybe one moment you feel smug and better. And the next thing might make you feel a lot worse. And what do you do then?
Anonymous
100% agree with this response.
Anon
Honestly, there are many people that age that do know the issue shouldn’t be brought up. If you’re comfortable being honest, I’d just say something like “I’m glad you could come to Dad’s celebration. Yes, grandchildren would’ve be nice. Sadly, my many miscarriages made that possibility less likely. In any case, I’m happy for the family and friends that I did have.” But, it’s up to you.
Not to diminish, but even after you have a kid, people start harassing you about a second. But don’t have too many or it’s “That’s a lot of kids.”
I’m sorry for your loss, OP.
Anon
Having one baby actually makes the harassment worse; people think the harassment “worked” the first time and know that you’re a ripe target because you’re obviously not childfree. My almost-two year old has not met one of my parents and half of my in-laws because the harassment got to a really cruel level; “I’m not going to allow my child around people who think it’s acceptable to treat me like that” is my go-to line.
I’m also at an extremely high risk of some serious and unpreventable issues (placental abruption, post partum psychosis), and I’ve gotten so sick of the harassment that I’ve asked them why my son should grow up without a mother.
“Why do you think so little of me that I don’t deserve to live and raise the lovely child I already have? You think Kiddo growing up motherless is a good thing? Got to say, telling a new mother that she means nothing to her kid is… WTF.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“I told you that we were done having kids. There was nothing ambiguous about that.”
Maybe it makes me a jerk, but I’m a firm believer that as much as people will yell and scream and cry about me, they will be a LOT more hesitant to do it to someone else.
wow
I am so sorry you were in a position where you needed to say this.
And you handled it beautifully.
Take care of yourself. I hope you enjoy your life.
anne-on
I did a corporate version of this – we have an only child because previously unknown issues made it very very dangerous for me to have another. A partner I didn’t know well asked me when we’d be having another and didn’t accept my multiple polite demurrals (we’re so happy with our son, not thinking of another one, etc.). Finally I said well, if you must know, we’re not able to have another child, as you can imagine, I prefer not to talk about it in a work setting as it’s a very personal and difficult. Combined with a very cold expression as I said it.
Cue the spluttering and ‘oh I didn’t know’s’. I like to think that particular person learned their lesson but it sure as hell felt darn good to put him in his place.
Anon
I’d ignore it. He doesn’t deserve your time. If you insist, though:
“Thank you for the reminder that my father was a loving man who respected my privacy, instead of sharing with you the details of my many miscarriages. If he were here, I have no doubt he’d be first in line to tell you that your comment is incredibly inappropriate and the subject is none of your business.”
Calico
Thank you all for your support! It really helps. I’ll never see this man again (I live across the country) so I’m probably just not going to respond. But oh, the fantasy of putting him in his place!
Monday
To me, knowing I’d never see someone again would be a green light. I like the suggestion at 9:06.
Anon
I have been spending a lot of time with my kids trying to help them not lash out when feeling emotional pain or strong emotions. It can be cathartic, but it just begets more of the same back to them (as they are hurting the person on the other end). Even more so, often the initial harm is a negligent one (vs purposeful one), so the escalation is really tragic (I tell them: g-d looks down on his creation and weeps).
Not in our house and not the degree of our problems, but some teens with beefs with each other are shooting into each other’s occupied houses at night (a few weeks ago: 100+ bullets resulting in one dead preschooler). I guess it made the shooter feel like he had avenged whatever slight he had inflicted upon him, but the principle here is the same. You are hurting. What do you do with the hurt: hurt back?
Monday
I don’t think the comment at 9:06 counts as lashing out or hurting back. It doesn’t insult the sender, it simply corrects a wild assumption about OP’s life (which is incredibly sensitive and none of his business).
I don’t support a general approach of always having the last word or “hurting back.” I just disagree that this would be such a case.
Anon
How is “my father grieved my miscarriages” lashing out or hurting back?
Anonymous
It’s lashing out or “hurting back” because OP doesn’t intend to address the situation before she sees this man again at local functions. She’ll never see him again and has said as much, but wants to be harsh because his comment hurt her. I get the desire to want revenge, I really do, but just let it go.
Senior Attorney
I think there is no serious question that “my father grieved my miscarriages” would be intended to put the emailer in his place and it would absolutely have that effect. At the very minimum it would cause embarrassment and unless the emailer is a total sociopath it would most certainly cause pain.
Anonymous
I agree, Senior Attorney. It’s not a good luck to want to cause pain to your father’s friend over this. It makes me cringe to think of trying to “put him in his place” over this.
Anon
SA, the letter-writer is not the woman who suffered multiple miscarriages, her husband who lost his kids that way, nor a parent of those people who repeatedly mourned the loss of grandchildren. Pray tell, why would it cause HIM pain, except for the sadness of knowing that his words were deeply hurtful to another human being?
Anon
Did her father even know about the miscarriages? Many women miscarry without anyone except their spouse knowing. She certainly shouldn’t imply her father was grieving the miscarriages if he didn’t even know about them.
Anon
Anon at 12:13, then adjust to whatever the situation is.
Senior Attorney
Anon at 11:53, yes, that would be the sadness: Knowing that he deeply hurt OP. I’ve been in a similar position (through carelessness or ignorance) and it’s awful! Maybe he deserves it — I’m not saying he does or doesn’t. In some sense I guess anybody who causes pain to somebody else “deserves to get it back.” I was just responding to somebody who said such a response wouldn’t cause sadness to the father’s friend.
Me personally, I kind of feel like “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”
Anon
SA, stop for a moment and think about what you are saying: those who are badly hurt don’t have a right to make any mention, no matter how understated and classy, about the pain they were caused by another person, because it might (checks notes) cause discomfort to the perpetrator?
If I hurt someone else, I want to know so that I don’t keep hurting people and I can try to make it right with the person I hurt. I would NEVER assume that my social discomfort trumps another person’s anguish at my hands.
Monday
SA–but did those uncomfortable experiences teach you to be more mindful about what you say? I bet they did. That’s how I learned a lot of my manners and conscientiousness toward others–through messing up and having it pointed out–and I think it’s fine.
Anon
To those of you counseling vengeance, how would you respond if these were teen boys who likely had access to weapons? Go for it? You were hurt, so make them feel some pain, too? Do you think that that would just end things? It doesn’t work that way.
Anon
The response suggested is hardly what I’d call “understated and classy.” It’s passive aggressive and snide. Yes, he was very rude to OP, so I suppose she has earned the “right” to be rude back. But I’m with SA, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Anon
I don’t see this as hurtful; I see it as directly responding to what was said and correcting any possible misperceptions there. It even leaves some plausible deniability that this is what he meant all along. This is how people learn boundaries, and man people do need to learn boundaries around this topic.
Anon
Maybe you can explain your obsession with bringing gun violence into this discussion. Should we be worried about you?
Senior Attorney
Anon at 12:31 that is exactly the opposite of what I’m saying. I’m saying he probably deserves it but that I PERSONALLY (me only me) would let it go because I don’t want to be in a fight with another grieving person when I’m grieving. YMMV and certainly there is always nuance and I think there are probably no wrong answers here for OP.
Anon
I am so sorry you received such a hurtful note. I think that any way you respond is fine (either ignoring or any of the suggested scripts). My condolences to you as well!
Anonymous
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the note you received. I think you’re right to ignore. As much as I like the response at 9:06, I fear he would respond with something equally insensitive like “keep trying!” or “but have you tried [insert old wives tale here]” or even something blame-y.
Senior Attorney
OMG that would be horrible.
Anon
I also think this is likely.
Finch
Sorry for your loss and for the really unfortunate comment… Ugh.
Sometimes when I’m really upset at someone I’ll write a scathing email that I don’t send-something about getting it all out in writing feels good! Maybe worth a try if you find this insensitive comment hard to let go…
Anon
I am sorry this person felt the need to share that thought. I wish I could stop being surprised by people’s cluelessness and insensitivity, but I guess that’s never going to happen.
However, if your dad’s friend is like my parents’ friends, there’s nothing you’ll be able to reply to him that will make him understand why the statement was inappropriate and hurtful. I hate to use the excuse of “well, they’re a different generation” but they are. They’re from that era when it was considered acceptable to comment critically on other people’s extremely personal and private business. You’re not going to change this guy at this point. I’d just let it go and don’t respond with anything.
Anon
What about responding and saying thank you for making the effort to attend and your lovely remembrances of my father and then saying you may not have considered the impact of noting my fathers desire to have grandchildren but that is of course a complicated, personal, and sensitive topic.
Bernedette
(Deleted by mgmt)
Anon
Ewwww I don’t think that’s harmless.
Patricia Gardiner
Heyy it’s the new E l l e n!
Anon
O_O
Anon
What the f…….. Yeah this was not harmless, it was grooming, and yes this guy needed called out on this disgusting behavior.
Gigi
WTF? barf emoji
Anon
What response are you aiming for when the guy reads it? Do you want him to feel the sting you feel? Do you want him to feel so bad he weeps and apologizes? Acting in anger to cause pain in another is never the right thing to do. To shut him up? To “show him”? To teach him a lesson (in a non-benevolent educator sort of way)? [And what would you do next if he continues the e-mailing? It’s not like you’re in a conversation or trying to be in one about this. Therapy shots are for tennis only and even then, you hurt yourself more likely than not.] You know the answer and the right thing to do.
Anonymous
This isn’t an accidental faux pas. The guy DID write it to make her feel worse about her father’s death and her perceived life choices. There isn’t really another way to read it. It’s ok to fight back when someone sees the death of a loved one as an opportunity to kick you while you’re down. You’re allowed to fight back. It’s ok to make him feel bad. He deserves it.
Anon
+1. Absolutely.
Anon
I disagree. It was a very rude thing to say, but I think he believed he was communicating his friend’s desire for grandkids and his intention was not to “kick her when she was down.” Doesn’t mean the impact on OP is any nicer, but I don’t think this guy is evil or was trying to hurt her.
Anon
What??? Where I come from, sympathy notes to the bereaved usually do not include an iteration of the various failings and shortcomings of the offspring of the recently deceased.
Cat
Yeah, the only way this comes across is “it’s a shame you couldn’t fulfill his wishes, especially while he was alive” – complete a$$hattery.
Senior Attorney
Grief makes people do weird things. “Presume good intentions” is a good rule to apply in a lot of situations, but especially with bereavement.
Anon
I’m with Senior Attorney here.
Anon
Let’s play: what “good intentions” are there in this? The OP is 44, so it’s not like she can get right on that and produce grandkids. Even if she weren’t, her father is dead and wouldn’t get the experience of being a grandfather. What “good intentions” were intended here that the rest of us are missing?
(IMHO, the people insisting that the OP not say *anything* – not just “be kind and respectful in your reply on the subject” – are likely people who have repeatedly stepped in it in their lives, never learned that the best course of action is to just shut it, and are deeply uncomfortable with the idea of their victims pushing back.)
Anon
I don’t believe he viewed it as listing her shortcomings. I think he thinks he was conveying a message from his deceased friend that maybe she didn’t know about. It’s very common for elderly parents to tell their friends they want grandkids but they aren’t putting pressure on their kids by telling them this directly. That doesn’t diminish the fact that his words were understandably very hurtful to OP but I think people are jumping to conclusions that he had bad intentions.
Anon for this
I’m really surprised at all the people saying do nothing, respect him, etc. As others have said, he was deliberately telling her she disappointed her father – no way to construe that any other way. Gently pointing out that the situation is more complex as suggested by 9:06 is not harmful to him in any way. It may help him be more considerate in the future, which would be a big kindness to others he might encounter.
I respectfully submit that perhaps many of the people saying to ignore this have never struggled with fertility.
Anon
I think he thinks he’s giving her helpful advice for the future, without stopping to think about the fact that she’s 44 and biological children are unlikely at this point. In my head I sort of broaden “assume good intentions” to include “assume a good person made a dumb, hurtful comment” and it’s the latter phrasing that seems more applicable here.
Anon
Anon at 1:16: I have struggled with infertility and I have been subjected to insensitive and hurtful comments around having only one child, due to not wanting to go through another round of fertility treatment, followed by miscarriage, followed by more treatment, etc. The OP lashing back at the letter-writer won’t educate him, it won’t change him, it won’t make him examine his viewpoints. I firmly believe there’s always a chance of unintended consequences when you clap back at someone IRL – she needs to consider that any message back to him may circulate farther than his eyes only, same as we advise people with work email. She may never see him again but that doesn’t mean connections within his circle won’t hear about her clapback and form judgements. There are lots of ways responding can go wrong. There’s very little downside to just letting this go and moving on with her life. Responding may create a situation where she has to think about and deal with this situation more than she already has, which would be a gigantic waste of her time and energy. Some of us do live our lives calculating whether or not something is worth our time, vs. just focusing on how temporarily satisfying revenge will feel.
anon
+2. Perhaps next time he’ll think twice before being so hurtful, especially when OP – his friend’s DAUGHTER – is grieving the loss of her father.
Anon
I initially thought it was meant as a (really outdated and sexist) compliment. If no one else took it this way, I could be wrong though!
Anon
Can you explain what you mean? I don’t see how it could be meant as a compliment but I’m curious to understand your viewpoint.
Anon
Something like, we should be honored if someone wished that we would have children, since that’s the greatest thing a woman can do? Though I’ve seen people say weird intended compliments to men too (like they should have passed on their family name since they’re “worthy” or something.)
Anon
People say / e-mail all sorts of things without giving it much thought and they turn out to cause great distress on the other end. Like saying “I’d rather die . . . ” in front of someone who has cancer. Or congratulating someone on the upcoming baby who is instead swollen with IVF drugs or fibroids. Or joking about things that aren’t funny. Then there are the people who are outright mean and deliberately try to be cruel. I think that the old guy is probably not trying to take a knife and twist it in unless there are other things going on or have been over the years.
Anonymous
I agree with this. OP, does your father’s friend have a history of sociopathic behavior? Do you know in your bones that his intention was to cause you pain? Is that the most likely scenario?
Anon
Agreed. I know I have said cruel things offhand by accident. A good friend once referenced a sports teammate dying and I immediately said “what?! When did you have a teammate die?” because I didn’t remember (even though I went to the guy’s funeral, so I should have!!) and that was somehow the first thought that popped into my head. I felt so so awful and I’m pretty sure other people at the party thought I was a sociopath. My friend and I are still friends but I still cringe soo hard when I think about it. And I wasn’t even grieving!
I think assuming good intentions (or more generalist, good person saying a stupid or accidentally hurtful m thing) is pretty much always the right thing to do unless you know the person in question is not a good person.
Anon
You’re 44. You don’t need our permission if you want to send a tantrum in a reply e-mail b/c your feelings were hurt.
Anon
Hey, Anon, her dad just died and she received a really hurtful note in reply. Can you not act like she’s a five-year-old kid who is crying because she was ordered to share a toy? Thanks.
Anon for this
Seriously. None of the suggestions for how to respond were tantrums. Good grief.
Anon
Someone’s being a child here, and it ain’t OP.
Anon
Sometimes in life I have really messed up by accident and a few times I have been outright mean to other people, things that I’m ashamed of now (even though I was a kid a couple of those times). Often, I was treated with much more grace than I deserved and for those people showing restraint when I deserved none, I will be forever grateful. I’m sure it’s not always like that, but I am a better person for their examples. I am in awe, really.
Anon
I would not respond and if I did, I would not mention he miscarriages, among other reasons, because that would actually partly vindicate him. It would make it seem it would have been OK to say this if you had not miscarried. This is never OK.
Anon
+1 This is an important point that no one else has made. It’s not ok to say to someone who is child free by choice.
Anon
People said such asshole things to me when I lost my literal child (she was three) that I could have consumed myself for a year just getting even with them. But I just kept moving on, with lots of help from a grief counselor.
Here’s my heartfelt advice, from someone who has been there – you may feel like you know what you want to do today. You may still feel that way tomorrow. There’s some likelihood you will feel that way next week or next month, but maybe you won’t. Sit with it for a while. Don’t give this man permission to live in your head rent free. Just let him live his miserable life being a miserable person for now, and decide what to do weeks or months or years from now. There’s no one particular day you need to respond to him, if you’re going to respond at all.
I’ve forgiven a lot, I’ve forgotten a lot, and then there’s some stuff I’ve neither forgotten nor forgiven, but it took time to sort those things into their proper piles.
Take care of yourself and your grief and try not to spend another moment of energy on this jerk. Hugs to you.
Anonymous
Yeah, things I heard when I was grieving my mom: “well, at least you have a stepmom!” “At least it was quick!” “At least you’re young and will get over it!” I never felt that lashing out at people I’d never see again (as opposed to close friends and family) would do me any good.
Anon
I’m sorry people said that to you. That’s awful. I got things like “at least you know you can get pregnant,” “she’s in a better place” (is there a better place than her mama’s arms?) and my personal favorite, “I know how you feel because my dog died.”
Anon
(and several that were worse. I’m sparing myself from typing them out)
Anon
Oh my god. I’m so so sorry you lost your child and had to endure those terrible remarks. I know people say stupid things when people die, but those comments are the worst I’ve ever heard. “At least you can get pregnant”!? As if a 3 year old child can be replaced. MY GOD.
Anon
My friend just lost her child, about the same age. Nothing I say can give her what she wants, which is to have her kid back, so I stuck with flowers expressing our deepest condolences (we live across the country), a note saying that we are praying for them all (they are religious), and letting her know she can call at any hour if she needs a shoulder, coherence not required.
In all seriousness, if there’s anything else that is remotely helpful and not the kind of thing that just adds to their grief, I would love to know. Otherwise, I can keep my mouth shut very well. Do you send a “thinking of you” note near her kid’s birthday next year or is that awful?
Anon
to 4:40, late reply and I don’t know if you’ll see this. You are a sweet friend. Keep letting your friend know she is in your thoughts and follow her lead as to whether she will celebrate her child’s birthday. I appreciate notes/texts/emails from my friends on that day, but I don’t want to make a thing about it on social media. It’s a quiet day for me.
I think the main problem with how we handle death in our culture is that we try to tell the grief stricken what’s good about it. Sometimes there’s nothing good about it. Stick to expressions of love and care and leave the problem solving for other issues, and you’ll be fine! I’m sure you’ve handled it very well already.
Smokey
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved child, and very much appreciate your kind and thoughtful response to OP.
missA
I would call him out in a kind way. His comment is insensitive in general, but especially tacky since you’re grieving your father. Why should you have to be reminded of a painful thing? Even if he didn’t know, how dare he make a value judgment on your life?
anon
Any idea where to get a simple gold ring? I am looking for a cylindrical shape (not one where the rounded edges taper in) in a shiny finish. I looked at mejuri but lots of reviews say that it scratches easily. I would like 18k gold or more. I never know who to trust when buying fine jewelry online.
SSJD
Go into a local jeweler if you can. Support a local small business. They usually have a big catalogue of items they can order if they don’t have what you want in their current inventory.
ElisaR
yes
anon
Brilliant Earth. But, isn’t the nature of gold to scratch?
Anonymous
No, my wedding rings have not scratched at all, in the decades I have worn them.
Anon
Yes .The higher the karat, the softer it is.
Anon
I’d go to your best local jeweler or if a jewelry show comes to town. Simple rings are sold more by gold content / weight than anything else. Higher carats will bend more and be more delicate.
Cat
I think your karat goal and no-scratching goal are kind of incompatible as the higher the karat, the softer, right?
Anon
I think I’ve see rings that shape at Blue Nile and Catbird.
Anon
I am changing jobs in a week. I just found out I need major surgery. I literally do not have time for this, universe.
Anon
Oh gosh, good vibes going out to you!
Senior Attorney
Oh, dear. Hugs to you, Anon.
Anon
Hoping you have a successful surgery and a smooth recovery.
Emma
How bad would it be if I get pregnant right after starting a new job? I’ve been trying for about a year and was going to stick at my
biglaw firm until I got pregnant but that’s just not happening. I’m assuming we will need medical help and it will take a while but who knows. I was just approached for a great in house opportunity and really liked the GC on the phone. But what if I get pregnant soon? I’m in Canada so no FMLA concerns, but it seems super awkward to work for 9 months then disappear for a year (I could take a shorter leave, but most people take a year so it’s hard to find childcare for babies). On the other hand the mix of infertility and biglaw burnout is causing me to get really depressed and I could use a fresh start.
anon
Take the in-house opportunity. They will figure it out when you get pregnant. It’s fine.
Anon
+1. I’m in a similar position and took the job (though not in CA, so less leave). They’re making a long-term investment in you as an employee.
blueberries
If you don’t have any concerns about statutory protection, then I think it’s totally fine. Life happens, and presumably they’re hiring you for the long run, not just for you services within the next year or two. If we look down on women for having babies before having a long tenure at an employer, we’re essentially saying women can’t change jobs and that’s unacceptable.
busybee
No big deal. I did this. Struggled with infertility for 2.5 years, got pregnant through IVF 3 months after starting my new job. If anyone has a problem with it, they haven’t mentioned it and frankly I don’t care.
Anon
Eh, just make the move now. If you have fertility issues who knows how long it could take to conceive.
Anon
Take the in-house job. Nothing in your life is going to improve by staying where you are.
anon
I almost didn’t take a job because I was trying to get pregnant and thought it would happen “any time now!”. It ended up taking three years to get pregnant. I don’t wish that kind of infertility battle on anyone, trust me, but if I’ve learned anything, the sheer hope of pregnancy shouldn’t influence any major decisions because it’s entirely out of your control.
Super glad I took that job, and, since you asked, I think you should, too.
anon
Also known as: leaning in.
Anon
Take the job if you’re excited about it. Who knows how long it will take to get pregnant and if you’re concerned about not wanting to be on leave shortly after a new job the the best time to shift is now, before you get pregnant.
Anonymous
Pursue the opportunity. You’ve only had one phone call, it’s super early in the process. If your situation changes between now and whenever you would change jobs then you can reassess then. And fwiw I too am TTC and am a super planner who wants to plan every aspect of my life for every eventuality. You just can’t plan around TTC stuff. Live your life.
Anon
Echoing everyone and also, I think this is pretty common. I’m in the US and know lots of people who had a baby right after hitting the one year eligibility for FMLA. People deal.
Senior Attorney
Agree with everyone else. Do it.
Anon
Take the job! I didn’t take a job for this reason (we had been trying over a year) and 2+ years later was still trying. I finally gave in and took a new job and, go figure, I was pregnant within a month of starting. It wasn’t ideal but it was fine
Anonymous
Totally fine I think. In the US health insurance would be something to look at before changing jobs since fertility coverage is rare. Hopefully not an issue for you in Canada, just wanted to mention it.
Anon
Speaking of short-ish pants, everything is cropped now and I got some great softer cotton pants for when it was super hot/humid this summer. I wore with flats of all sorts and my feet were so happy. Now that it is getting too chilly for an exposed ankle, I am wondering about cold-weather flat footwear choices (leaning towards buying a pair of felt clogs and wearing with socks) and what sort of bottoms people are seeing in stores now. I’m not sure my prior casual pants still fit (skinny jeans and some flares that needed a 2-3″ heel not to drag on the ground), so rethinking my lower half. Also do not plan on dress + tights + heeled footwear much this fall/winter, either (assuming that the dresses still even fit).
Ribena
For a smart look I’ve seen people in slightly cropped trousers, smart leather/parent loafers, and thin (15-30 denier) hosiery socks.
For casual clothing, I wear skinny-ish jeans with normal socks and sneakers, I don’t care if people can see my socks!
anon a mouse
I don’t know the answer to this either. I rarely wear pants except for when it is cold out, and I don’t want an exposed ankle if I’m cold.
I do like the Rothys merino flats, they tend to keep my feet warm. But they wouldn’t look right with pants like the featured ones that have a curved split hem.
Anon
Agree — I have the Alisons and find them to be good summer pants. Today it is fall where I live.
Anon
I’ve had Bass Weejuns since high school (not the same pair) and they’ve served me well for the last 30 years or so.
Anon
Do you wear them with socks? I thought that that was a no-sock shoe.
I am liking the above poster w/ combat boots, but really not sure I have the pants for that (or any fall pants that fit that aren’t exercise synthetic leggings (also wrong for combat boots)).
How wide are the calves on something like a Frye Campus boot IRL? I have seen pics where they look narrow and some where they look wider. To be clear, narrow is preferred (have Olive Oyl legs but not the Aquitalia budget for boots with narrow calves).
PolyD
Leggings tuck into combat boots nicely.
I mentioned above, that mine are from Taos. So they are like, middle-age woman combat boots, not stomp-the-running-dogs-of-imperialism combat boots.
I may pair them with black leggings or tights and casual dresses this fall, too.
Nom
Ooooohhh now I want stomp-the-running-dogs-of-imperialism combat boots! Recs?
Alternatively, how comfortable are your Taos? I can be swayed to a less militant vibe if they are extra comfy…
Anon
I think I am on #TeamStomp (philsophically at any rate; can’t speak for my feet though and they have the last word).
Ribena
@Nom
I have a pair of what I refer to as ‘zombie kicking’ boots which came from Marks and Spencer a few winters ago – sold as ‘hiking’ style boots.
PolyD
I find the Taos boots to be very comfortable. I mean, I haven’t walked miles and miles in them, but they’re good. The leather is really nice.
pugsnbourbon
These are the stomp-the-running-dogs boots you’re looking for: https://www.drmartens.com/us/en/p/22601001
Anon
I do. Smartwool trouser socks are my go-to. While I don’t claim to be knowledgeable about fashion beyond what works for me, the Bass website has some styled both ways, and with tights.
Anon
Hem your flares so that you can wear the shoes you want.
Anon
Maybe this works for long-limbed ladies, but I feel like I’d just look stumpy. Maybe the legs need to be tapered to be more like straight legs if they are going to be shorter? Otherwise, could veer a bit into gaucho territory.
anon
UK friends, anyone familiar with the brand Really Wild? I’m eyeing a gorgeous belted jacket from there, but it’s very pricey and so I’m nervous about pulling the trigger and dealing with shipping internationally without knowing how quality and fit are.
Anon
The Duchess of Cambridge wears their clothing, if that helps!
Senior Attorney
I need this one for my fantasy life in which I’m a six-foot-tall aviatrix: https://www.reallywildclothing.com/womenswear/clothing/jackets/leather-aviator-jacket-black
Patricia Gardiner
Room inspiration request! We are moving and I will have a home office room of my own. Brown wood floors and brown wood trim that I plan to leave. What color walls do I want? I like blues in general, I was thinking of a dark blue but I am not sure that would look good with the brown trim. I have seen Farrow and Ball mentioned here but none of their rooms really speak to me. What would you do?
Anon
I also love blues and have both good things to say about Benjamin Moore Silver Slipper (ice blue, we have it in a kids’ bedroom but it’s just really nice with how it handles light) and Sherwin Williams Naval (totally opposite slightly muted navy); however, with an office and wood trim/walls, I would go with a hunter green.
A friend recently painted a room hunter green and it looks fabulous. She did a real vintage vibe and calls it her ‘library’. There is a crystal decanter involved and it’s amazing – just to give you the overall vibe.
Ribena
How dark is the brown? I have F&B Stiffkey Blue in my hallway with wooden floor and doors and it looks great – but they’re a sort of oak colour so much lighter than the walls.
Anon
I have Oval Room Blue in my bedroom and love it. I wallpapered my office and am even happier with that.
Agurk
I was literally just sitting down to ask for paint recommendations for wood trim…I am sorely tempted to do F&B regency red in our library and just go for it.
Speaking of – is F&B really worth the price? I hear that you need less paint than you do with BM or SW so it’s not as expensive as it looks. Has that been others’ experience?
Anon
Yes. Totally worth it. The color is rich and amazing.
Anon
I keep hearing how high-quality F&B paint is, but the colors are so freaking boring. I’m not an elderly WASP decorating my cottage in the Hamptons.
With brown wood, I like either a peacock blue or a heathered purple.
Anon
I hear what you’re saying but the thing with them is that they play well with color. I have a very bright, boho style but I always do FB walls because hey take just about any bright pattern I throw with them and look luxe and layered. If you view paint as the star of your show, it can lead to a flat room.
Anon
Fair point, I only ever use solids. Anything patterned gives me a headache, like my eyes get stuck to it and kinda…vibrate, I guess? So a bright wall with basic b1tch accessories is totally my jam.
Anonymous
Your comment made me remember the very funny shade Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen threw at F&B when the company was sold earlier this year.
His point of view was that while P&B colors are safe and boring, it can be considered ironic that it’s considered historical colors when they are more truly pre-faded historical colors. The original colors from the 18th and 19th Cs were bright and dramatic when new, but had faded by age by the time they were recreated for National Trust use by F&B. I’ve seen this is some restorations, when you get the actual historical colors, they are a riot!
I still think of P&B as the stonewashed, already-worn look jeans of paints. You pay do get a distressed look. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s not the only way to neither historical or modern home painting.
Anonymous
I fail at typing. Just ignore the P&B.
Senior Attorney
Also go on Pinterest and/or Houzz and just look at a bunch of home offices. I just searched “home office wood trim” on Pinterest and got a lot of pics of dark blue walls that looked amazing. Look at this: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/17944098506369988/
Coach Laura
That looks gorgeous!
Anonymous
What else is in the room? It’s so much easier to match paint to window treatments, rugs and upholstery than to start with paint and work backwards.
Anony
Sitting in my home office now which has brown wood (oak) flooring, SW Marshmallow trim, and SW Queen Anne Lilac walls. It’s sort of a gray-ish purple and gorgeous. The color changes so much during the course of the day, depending on how much light and I absolutely love it.
Patricia Gardiner
Thank you for all the suggestions!
The wood is a fairly dark medium brown, like a walnut.
There is also a brick fireplace that I want to be painted a glossy white.
So far I may use a Persian rug with reds and blues; no curtains yet. I have a red leather chair that may go in there; thinking of eventually buying a neutral color couch. Windows look out onto trees.
Desk is light wood color, but may eventually change that.
Thank you for the suggestions!
Anon
I have a 1909 house with wainscoting that is a reddish brown color. We went with greens because they were appropriate to the age of the house and the arts and crafts style. My greens are vary by room but if you look up Kelly Moore Inglenook Olive and Daddy-O, those are some of the darker ones. We also did lighter greens in darker areas, so there’s some Bakelite in hallways, and Pineapple sage in bathrooms.
So obviously I don’t have advice on blues, but I really recommend getting a fan deck from whatever paint store you think you’re going to go with – mine is obviously Kelly Moore, and they have clearly bought my forever loyalty by giving it to me. But I’d be willing to pay for one, because it’s so helpful. There’s no substitute for being able to look at slightly different shades of your intended color in different lights, then go get bigger swatches of the finalists to tape to the wall and live with for a while at different times of day, natural light and artificial light, etc. to really get a feel for it.
(and on-screen is not a good representation – when I googled Inglenook Olive to make sure I had the color name right, the picture on my screen isn’t anything like the more clear pea green of the Inglenook Olive-painted wall behind my screen.)
Painting is a great and relatively inexpensive thing to do to really change the look and feel of a room, but there it little that is more miserable than painting over something you just painted because you didn’t get the color right.
Anonymous
Found out last night that not only has somebody open to brokerage accounts in my name in the last two weeks, but they were able to transfer tens of thousands of dollars from my bank to those accounts via ACH. Not online banking or credit card fraud. I’ve done all the things so far that they’ve told me to do, including checking credit etc. even though that’s not related, what can I expect as far as investigations go and what can I expect as far as having filed a police report? It seems that this kind of stuff is not preventable but am I missing something?
Anonymous
Sorry that happened to you. I posted about a similar issue the other day (bank accounts getting opened in our name) and whether legal action against my husband’s employer were warranted and was accused of being “determined to extract my pound of flesh,” LOL. This site is so cray sometimes. Get yourself a credit freeze, check all your credit reports from all bureaus, report the fraud to the bank, and submit that police report, but there’s truly not much you can do. There are some sites that monitor fraud on checking accounts that we’re exploring, but it’s too soon to tell how useful they’ll be.
Anon
I don’t think responding to the OP’s request for help and advice with a recounting of your own situation and your saltiness over the replies you got that you didn’t like is entirely appropriate. I don’t want to suggest anything that may be uncomfortable for you, but not everything in life is about you.
Anonymous
Ha, found the culprit!
Anon
Your situation was pretty different.
Anonymous
No it wasn’t. Both OP and I have now had the experience of having accounts opened in our name. OP, when we first learned of the big identity theft breach that leaked all our data, we changed our checking accounts right away (so the number that had been breached would be useless) – if you haven’t done that, that would be my next move. I wonder if that’s what helped us avoid progressing to the next level you experienced, which is actually having your money stolen from the account. If you can change all of your account numbers and then alert the banks that you’ve been a victim of fraud, there are some that can put enhanced security on your account, although it’s going to vary depending on where you bank. Please report back if you have any success!
Anon
You were asking about a lawsuit and she’s not?
Anonymous
Omg Princess this is why we all told you you were off base
Anon
I truly don’t understand why this board is being so harsh with you. Good grief. You have my sympathy, and ditto to OP.
ElisaR
HOW? wow.
Anon
My thoughts exactly!
Anonymous
Apparently ACH fraud is very easy – you just need an account number and a routing number, and you can get both of those from mailed bank statements, intercepted emailed statements, or deposit slips/checks. Then you can easily pull demographic info like a home address and birthdate from public sources and other data breaches.
anonshmanon
If you get or at any point got direct deposits from one of the 100 orgs affected in last spring’s Accellion breach, that could be where they got that info. It’s a pretty big club.
anon
Do you use checks at all? Have anyone come into your house (cleaners, workers) who might have grabbed a check from your checkbook? That’s one of the easier ways that fraudsters get a hold of ACH information. That would also explain how someone would have the other info they would need to get through the account opening process (i.e. your full name, date of birth, address) – you likely have other documents in your house that would have that information.
Anonymous
Yeah, this can’t be ruled out and I do have a nanny – a longtime employee, but still.
Anon
If you write any checks at all, like to your housekeeper, landscaper, pay a bill by check, then your bank info is already out there! It’s all on your check, and usually even your home address. Stealing bank info does not require someone to intercept your bank statements or grab a check from your checkbook.
Anonymous
If the brokerage accounts were in your name, were you able to claim control of them and recover your money?
Anonymous
Not so far. My bank is investigating and will probably go after it (since they are on the hook for repaying me), but I’m sure the money is already gone.
Anon
Regardless you’re now a victim of identify theft and from my experience I can tell you this will keep on happening. Register as an identity theft victim with the federal government and lock your credit reports so that no one, including you, can open new credit accounts without you knowing. So sorry.
Black flats
Anyone have a Rothy’s code? Or know of any other pointed or almond black flats with an interesting fabric or detail? I’d spend up to $150 but my previous pair was Nine West so they don’t have to be expensive. Mine just bit the dust yesterday after about 5 years. Thanks!
Anonymous
I like Cole Haan skimmers. They are really well made, and should be a step up in quality from your last shoes.
BeenThatGuy
Sometimes they have these in stock at Nordstrom Rack for a great deal
Anon
Kelly and Katie (or Katie and Kelly) washable fabric flats (not all are fabric) at DSW for about $50. I have the black/white ones and find them very wearable (formerly had Rothys rounds, but a kid of mine took that pair over).
Anonymous
Yes, here’s one: https://share.rothys.com/x/bmev1X
Codes are $30 off instead of the usual $20 for the month of September. Enjoy!
Mac
Here’s my Rothy’s code if you’re interested! (https://share.rothys.com/x/Q3gc9D) For September, it’s worth $30 instead of the normal $20, which is even better. I’d recommend going up 1 or 1.5 sizes from your street size for points. Hope you find something you like!
anon a mouse
Rothy’s referral: https://share.rothys.com/x/oqpYIt
Audrey Whitmore
Does anyone have any experience with Audrey Whitmore dresses? Curious about the quality and fit.
Anonymous
I keep seeing these ads and am curious too!!!
Anonymous
The question yesterday reminded me – when you were looking for/buying a house, what were your absolute must haves or things where you said – if the house has x, I’m not making an offer? Or in retrospect what do you wish you had searched for or avoided?
All I can think of – a pantry (because having to stock up more this year and having no where to put it has been a pain); no basement (hard to find a house WITHOUT a basement in my area but given that we seem to get torrential rain every week, I’d love not to have to deal with it); and not being right by a commercial area like a strip mall, for many of the reasons articulated yesterday.
What else did you look for or not? FWIW I’m looking at houses/townhouses, so don’t mind furnishing a house, driving everywhere etc. so a lot of what applies in NYC/SF apartments like doormen, parking etc. won’t apply here.
Anon
I can’t afford anything fancy anyway, so bikeable to work and not screwed up with terrible “remodels” over the years were my criteria (Along with price. I couldn’t go over an amount that, from the sounds of this board is barely a down payment for most). Also, no flips.
Anonymous
Two-car attached garage. After years living in apartments, I was done scraping ice and carrying groceries in from the car in the rain.
Sunshine
What is the internet availability in the area in terms of upload and download speeds. I know two people who recently purchased in new suburbs and their internet is terrible, but currently their areas aren’t set up for anything better. (I don’t know the technical terms for all of this). Similarly, cell phone coverage in the area. Also know people with awful cell phone coverage where they live (even in cities).
Anonymous
I wouldn’t have thought of internet speed, good call!
Ribena
For me my red line was internal kitchens. I love to cook and hang out in the kitchen so I refused to do so in a windowless room. But I was looking at small British flats so again it’s a different landscape!
Anon
Related, no stove top facing a wall. I refuse to make cooking feel like a “time out” punishment. My current home has the stove top on a center island, and I can never go back.
Anon
I’m the total opposite! Having a stovetop in the island is a total dealbreaker – little kids so it’s the last thing I need to deal with. Just goes to show that everyone’s needs and preferences are different.
test run
I also *much* prefer to have my stove top on the center island, partially because I strongly prefer to have the sink against the wall – I think it looks less messy to have the soap, sponge, drying dishes, etc. not in the middle of the island, which seems to be the big trend, at least in my area. Unfortunately, this was one thing I had to concede on with the place we just bought, but I am optimistic for our next place!
Anon
I have both my sink and my stove against walls (different, adjacent walls). I thought that was normal?
No Problem
I mean, a lot of these really depend on personal needs, but mine included: adequate guest parking (lots of townhouse communities don’t have much if any, and not all have a nearby road where guests can park and walk a block); a house that didn’t need a lot of work (I wasn’t interested in spending my life’s savings on the down payment and then need to turn around and rip up floors or redo a kitchen and bathrooms); and a good layout (many houses have terrible layouts).
Would you reject a house with a basement if it was properly waterproofed and/or was on high ground? Or one with a little pantry but lots of storage elsewhere that you could use as backstock? Things to think about.
Anonymous
OP here – so if I had a choice of a house with no basement or one with, I’d go with the one without a basement. If there is no choice – I’d take a basement on high ground but I would not on lower ground w/ promises of adequate water proofing because reality is, you don’t know how adequate the waterproofing is until the first rain event especially in this market where inspection must be waived if you’re ever going to get a house.
Pantry – NBD. 1 small one is fine – I have 0 right now in my apartment so cabinets are full and then excess stuff ends up on the floor in a corner of my living room. So if I had a good number of cabinets with 1 pantry, that’d be enough.
Anonymous
For me, it was a second bathroom. I am single with no plans to domesticate any relationship, so I was looking at smaller homes, but I really prefer to have a separate bath for guests that does not connect to any bedrooms.
On the basement, it sounds like you just don’t want a leaky basement. And those exist. I much prefer a basement to crawling on my belly (or asking someone else to) to access mechanical systems. Slabs have issues, too.
Cat
Rowhouse list for downtown:
-3BR 2BA (we’re DINKs who wanted a guest room and home office – slash – gym and thankful we bought pre-Covid)
-Kitchen and small patio on main floor (SO many historic rowhouses have basement kitchens, which means not only are you stuck in the basement all the time, you have no basement storage)
-Smart storage areas
-Not directly on bus route (SO loud – beep beep beep beep beep, Welcome To, Route 42!)
-Short walk to transit (trains) to facilitate reverse-commute jobs if applicable
-Not immediately next to commercial property (not as cute and restaurant grease!)
Cat
Reposting bc I used tr-ns
Rowhouse list for downtown:
-3BR 2BA (we’re DINKs who wanted a guest room and home office – slash – gym and thankful we bought pre-Covid)
-Kitchen and small patio on main floor (SO many historic rowhouses have basement kitchens, which means not only are you stuck in the basement all the time, you have no basement storage)
-Smart storage areas
-Not directly on bus route (SO loud – beep beep beep beep beep, Welcome To, Route 42!)
-Short walk to tr-nsit (trains) to facilitate reverse-commute jobs if applicable
-Not immediately next to commercial property (not as cute and restaurant grease!)
Anonymous
Attached garage is a must. I need to park my car there and DH needs storage for his toys, so if it’s a single car garage then there has to be a sizeable shed too (or space and HOA freedom to build one).
Central heat and air. Also must have a gas line for a gas stove. I can’t stand cooking on electric stovetops.
Things I avoid: on or very close to a busy road, freeway noise, or major repairs.
Anon
The first house I bought after living in apartments forever and right after living with a terrible upstairs neighbor, all I cared about was not sharing walls with anybody. Second house after gaining a live in partner, I wanted more room.
Anon
this is SO personal. depends on number of bedrooms, bathrooms, floor plan, garage etc. i think this is way too broad of a question to ask anyone because each person will have a different answer depending on their personal needs
Another anon
Almost like that’s the point….
Anon
These are all rather specific to living in the boonies:
No well or septic. No sidewalks, I don’t want the hassle of shoveling. No target range or gun club nearby. Investigate if the snow removal and garbage removal is city or private, there are pros and cons either way.
Ones I learned the hard way: no steep property. Lawn care and winter clean-up is hazardous, particularly as you age.
pugsnbourbon
My parents still live in the boonies and they are finally, after 22 years, getting the gravel driveway paved. My dad says it’s because he wants to get a snowblower, but it’s really because my nephew’s power wheel Jeep doesn’t drive well on the gravel :)
anon
For the two houses I have purchased: must be move in ready. I know myself. I suck at projects and I do not DIY. Nothing ever gets done so I need something that is already done, including paint!
The second house had to be one-level. Never again will I live in a house with more than one story. It’s bliss. I also wanted at least 1.5 baths for resale value (SFH).
Otherwise? I didn’t really have many other must haves or avoids.
Anon
Two bathrooms.
Anon
Yep. One bathroom for us (parents), one bathroom for our kid and the cat’s litter box. If one sink or toilet clogs, there is another working one.
Anon
Natural gas for cooking. I know that natural gas is likely to be phased out. I love the daily convenience, though, and there are several things that I make regularly that past experience has demonstrated that these do not succeed on an electric range. In my area, where I lose electricity regularly due to storms and wind (4 overnight outages in the past month), having natural gas-powered generator backup is key.
Cat
Oh, I accidentally left that off my list above. Gas stove was a non-negotiable.
Anon
Most gas stoves will run off of propane (you may need a small extra piece to do it), so you can still get a gas range without service.
Anon
Not the OP on gas above, but I find that propane tanks are too much workx-do not recommend for everyday cooking.
Anonymous
You’re right that it’s being phased out. It’s actually dramatically worse for indoor air quality and a major source of pollution that has never been fully appreciated. I was annoyed at first when our next rental had electric instead, but now I’m glad.
Anonymous
I really want (but may not be able to get) a proper entryway with a closet and ideally a mudroom. I’ve always lived in apartments where the front door opens straight into the living room and I hate it. There’s no visual separation from all the door clutter (coats, shoes, keys) and the living space. Too bad most homes on the market near me seem to disagree.
Senior Attorney
Gosh, I honestly can’t think of anything other than that it had to be a single family house rather than a condo/townhouse. And of course it had to have the appropriate number of bedrooms/baths. I had a lot of preferences (including gas for cooking) but in the end almost everything is negotiable.
Senior Attorney
Oh, I thought of something: It had to be in the city limits rather than in the adjacent unincorporated area, for a variety of reasons including but not limited to street parking issues.
Anon
Must haves: a basement (we live in tornado country), 4+ bedrooms and2+ bath, good school district, in a neighborhood we liked. You can change pretty much everything about a house except its location and the foundation so those were the main things we cared about.
Wanted: an open floor plan, a two story living room, vaulted ceilings in master bedroom, a granite/marble kitchen, a screened in porch or sunroom. We only got a couple of these but we renovated the kitchen before moving in and plan to eventually built a sunroom addition.
Anonymous
Question – I’m one of the rare people who prefers electric stoves. I don’t cook that much/nothing elaborate so it serves my purposes fine and I like the flat glass top. However if a house comes with a gas stove/gas line, can you always put in an electric stove? I know the reverse isn’t true because you may not have a gas line coming into the home, but can you put in an electric stove assuming you have a socket back there?
Senior Attorney
You can always switch from one to the other, it’s just a matter of how much trouble and expense you want to go to. Worst case you have to get a bigger electric service or whatever they call it.
Anon
You might have to up from 100 to 200 or 400 amps. I took out an electric stove and years later I was able to use the circuit when I put in my pool, instead of upgrading from 200 to 400.
Anon
Yes, I think it’s normally pretty simple to install an electric stove. I’m also team electric.
Anon
Yes, you can pick an electric stove. If you don’t have a socket an electrician should have no problem installing one.
Nesprin
Gas to Electric is fairly easy since there’s electric lines everywhere (if you need a 220V circuit, it’s def harder). Electric to gas (provided you’re plummed for gas) is ~10k.
Anonymous
This is very specific to our family, but we wanted to keep our kids at their same elementary school (so pretty narrow area), wanted four bedrooms, and wanted all the kids bedrooms on the same floor. We also wanted a medium size backyard. Our previous house had a huge backyard that was hard to care for. But some of the houses we looked at had tiny backyards. We finally found a house with 4 bedrooms upstairs and a medium size backyard haha. I was so excited over it I didn’t realize it didn’t have an actual pantry until the inspection. It has a storage closet right off the kitchen so we have turned that into a pantry, but not as convenient as having one in the kitchen.
Anon
Everyone’s list is going to be different. Moving from my first house to my second it was:
A proper entry way including a coat closet (you’d be surprised at how much you miss this when you don’t have one!)
A kitchen that can be closed from the rest of the house
A level backyard
A walking distance shopping area
Off street parking
Space for a piano
And what I learned when I started looking at houses in my range was that I didn’t like anyone else’s additions or remodels, so I ended up adding the following to my list:
A house originally built to be 3br/2ba or larger, not a 2/1 with an addition
Upgrades/remodels in keeping with the period of the house
Nesprin
We had a list: 2 car garage, at least 2 toilets and 2 bedrooms, upside down structure (bedrooms on lower level, living spaces on upper), with some sort of nice view, and no foundation issues.
We bought our house because there was a door between the garage and kitchen, gas stove, a fenced in yard and only 2 neighboring houses (streets on top and bottom of property). Mind, we still had to put 100k worth of work (+ a ton we did ourselves) into it, but the layout and location are all not cheaply fixable and pretty great. I’m always baffled by folk who refused to buy a house due to lack of gas, paint color etc- we were of the if it’s <20k it's fixable mindset.
Anonymous
Want:
Separate kitchen with window – no open plan kitchen.
Separate laundry room, or room to install one.
Bathtub or room to install one, in addition to shower. For a house – proper window in bathrooms, no big deal for half-baths.
A variety of pantry space: kitchen pantry for food. Storage pantry for empty canning jars, the big pots, vases and extra glasses and plates.
Shed space to service any outdoor space: lawn mower, planting table and extra pots and seeds, garden hose etc.
Lots of natural daylight.
Anonymous
Does anyone have any good recipes involving vanilla boxed cake mix? muffins or donuts or whatnot? thanks!
Anon
Dump cake? You put that + fruit pie filling into a dutch oven and cook over a fire (or on a stove). It’s like a cobler. You could also do an oatmeal / brown sugar / butter topping and call it a crisp.
Anon.
One box cake mix + one can of pumpkin = muffins. You have to stir a lot, but that’s it.
Anon
Tiramisu cake. The ones at Allrecipes and Preppy Kitchen are both good.
Senior Attorney
Cake mix cookies are a thing. If you google around you can find a ton of recipes using cake mix.
Anonymous
In case anyone here has experience with parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles – how much of aging issues do you think are “deconditioning” related? I’m seeing a BIG difference between guys I know in my working life in their early-mid 70s — still working and the hours aren’t insignificant in biglaw and medicine; traveling; trips going hiking/mountain climbing in the Alps or in South America; flying to their Florida homes for weekends, boating; one guy has become quite the amateur photographer and walks like 3 miles/day in his local city taking pictures etc.
Then there are my relatives in my hometown. I know the fancy lives are about money but even without that kind of money, it’s still possible to power walk, hike locally, garden, swim etc. Yet I don’t see my relatives ever doing that – and they never have – and now in the upper 70s, they are REALLY aging. Like a lot more hunched over, walking slowly, complaints like headaches/dizziness/fatigue. Have seen a number of drs of various specialties and they’ve done testing and all say – nope you’re fine. Is this just aging? Is there SUCH a huge difference between mid and upper 70s? Like will the types of people rock climbing and working 40 hrs/wk at 73 be suddenly much slower in a few years? And more importantly if you haven’t worked out etc. ever, is there anything that can be done about it later – like will walking or light weight lifting “reverse” any of the aging?
Formerly Lilly
I think it’s a matter of staying active. I need to be more active and my 88 year old father can run circles around me and most anyone I know. The man almost never just sits, and never has. He has a lifelong hobby of woodworking and furniture making that keeps him on his feet and also keeps his mind engaged and active. He also has always done his own yard work and home repairs, and he walks two miles every morning. His 90 year old sister, also not a sitter, does her own yard work and walks two miles every morning. My father used to walk one mile in the morning, found out his sister was doing two miles and upped his game. I have a 99 year old great uncle who also has had a lifetime of not sitting, and he is in great shape mentally and physically. Anecdotal observance has led me to believe that not sitting all the time is more important than diet or even smoking.
Anon
I think that “use it or lose it” applies to both physical health and mental acuity. I took a summer off b/w BigLaw gigs and literally was never busier (busy, but on my own home remodeling / yard tasks and crafting and planning evening events I’d actually get to go to) or happier. I cannot imagine just sitting around. We have a guy in his 80s who comes into work and is always working (and smiling — he is a joy to have around).
Anon
My parents are physically active, but their bodies are just completely worn out in their early seventies. Broken foot from pressing down on a shovel in the garden, badly sprained wrist lifting tree trimmings, it goes on and on. I keep hearing this “stay active” mantra, and yet in my own family (both sides!) it seems like staying active is just grinding your frail older body to dust.
Anon
Assuming a baseline of good health (which is far from a given), yes. Where age really becomes a factor in folks who are very active into their 70s and beyond is bouncing back from serious injury. Getting hit by a car at 40 sucks but getting hit by a car at 85 is a whole other story.
There is never a bad time to start being active, and active doesn’t have to mean walking a half marathon or whatever. Too many folks think there’s no point in doing whatever little bit they’re able, but that’s not true (plenty of google-able studies are out there to back it up). The goal isn’t necessarily to “reverse” aging, rather to make doing the things a person enjoys doing easier, more fun, more comfortable, less likely to result in injury, etc.
Senior Attorney
Yes! My husband had a bad bike accident a couple of years ago (the day after his 71st birthday) and although he has bounced back really well, I’d say he’s back to 90% rather than 100%. And at this age if you break, say, your ankle, it’s going to be telling you when it’s going to rain pretty much for the rest of your life.
Anon
I’m 56 and my trick knee has been telling me when a storm’s a-comin’ for at least five years now.
Coach Laura
I think staying active keeps you active. But for the doctors, lawyers you see that are in their 70s and even 80s are self-selected, in that you don’t see those who have retired, gotten old or becoming invalid. Instead, you see the ones who remain at law firms, you see the people like Nancy Pelosi and Anthony Fauci who are still there. The people in your hometown are a swath of people with a broader exposure. Yes, I do think that between 68 and 75 is where it hits a lot of people. My father-in-law was still operating as a neurosurgeon at 68 but was not by 73. I’m 62 and am trying to be one of those people working at 70, healthy and active. My plan is focused on aerobic workouts, lifting weights, lots of outdoor things like hiking, kayaking, cycling and then mental challenges like new classes, new people and new career goals (self-employed).
Senior Attorney
Same age and definitely agree with this. I’m going to the gym 3 times a week, trying to stay active, and most important I’m trying to keep my brain sharp. Just started online Spanish lessons and that’s been a good new challenge!
Anonymous
OP here – I did think this after I posted. I only know the drs and lawyers I see coming to work, IDK what became of the ones who retired at 65. I’m not suggesting everyone has to be working at 80 but just that the ones who are working really seem pretty much the same, whereas the people I know who retired at 65 seem REALLY old in their later 70s with lots of symptoms that worry me. Maybe the ones who are working have such symptoms too but it’s not like they’d discuss at work? But IDK if they felt as awful as my relatives say they feel – these guys have plenty of money, they’d quit, nor would they be rock climbing on vacation.
But then the reality is when I think back to the relatives in their 40s-50s, it was very much go to work and come home and watch TV/read the paper. The men especially weren’t doing housework or even doing the dishes after dinner, had people mowing their lawn/do home repairs; sure they played with their kids but most of that stopped by 45ish as the kids aged out of playing in the yard. They mostly had/have treadmills, exercise bikes at home but in my home at least I don’t recall them being used daily – so maybe that was a weekend thing?
And then I look at dad’s best friend – almost 80. The man is go go go – retired at 65. I actually don’t think he would have worked out much he was younger bc he had a job where he traveled a ton (though maybe hotel gyms?) though I do recall he was big on swimming on the weekends and tennis with his kids. Now – at the gym daily at 5 am, always has some kind of volunteer gig going for at least 20-30 hrs/wk whether it’s doing taxes in tax season or hospital receptionist or something else. Saw him and his wife at their daughters wedding in 2019 and the way they danced the night away was jaw dropping. Not – oh cute old people swaying – I’m talking rhythm, spinning to the music, not needing to sit down or take breaks at all. May you do need lifelong staying active??
Anon
I 100% do not want to be working at my job when I’m 65, but there are so many more enjoyable, intellectually challenging things I hope to be able to do instead.
Anonymous
Basically how active you are makes a much bigger difference as you age. The gap between fit active people and aging couch potatoes widens as time passes. There is a huge difference between my mom (who won’t go to an exercise class for older people and just knits all day), vs. my MIL who is 5 years old but who bikes to the grocery store, volunteers and hikes regularly.
Silly Valley
Keeping active does make a difference, but yes, there is a big change somewhere in the mid-70s for most people. My parents are 78 now and there has been a big shift in the last few years in what they’re comfortable doing and their ‘endurance’, for want of a better word. They didn’t try to slow down; in fact, it bugs them, but it just happens.
Anon
There’s a test that predicts a person’s expected longevity by how quickly they walk across a room. Cause or effect?
Seriously, the range in people’s energy and activity levels varies greatly throughout life. It’s just a bigger range as people age because the “low” scorers are less and less active.
Anon 2.0
Keeping active is very important and imo, barring a major incident, is the difference between the two groups. My grandparents (late 70s/early 80s) live in the country and have a gaggle of cats. Yes, cats. A couple live indoors but more are “barn cats”. (No comments on that, these are semi-feral cats that are neutered to prevent more kitties). The cats keep them active. Odd, but it works. It gives me somewhere to go “must buy Friskies, litter, hoards of Temps cat treats, etc”, some routine “feed the cats in the morning, in the evening, Temps snacks at 7 sharp”, it even got my grandpa back into woodworking and he built a “cat condo” for the ones who refuse to come indoors. My grandma is even know to warm up the cat food in the colder months. Honestly, if it weren’t for the cats they’d likely do crosswords and rewatch Bob Ross reruns all day long.
Anonymous
I’m in Scandinavia, not the US, but here the REALLY aging vs. working, rock-climbing one can be seen as a difference of social class and education level. Our society as a whole if very non-divided, and everybody gets free healthcare, schooling, pension etc. and you can’t compare to the US. But there is still a divide here, even though it’s a lot smaller, and people still “inherit” health as well as working conditions.
Men with higher education (college or Uni) will statistically live seven more years than men who stopped at high school. People with physically draining jobs, low job security or a bad social environment at work will live longer.
I’m thinking that your still working lawyers and doctors are like their equivalents here – lots of resources of all kinds available to them, including peer pressure.
Anon
I think it’s poor health and poor medical care. People who feel okay and have energy are more active, which also benefits them. But if people are dealing with medication side effects or untreated complications of aging, they’re not going to feel well enough to stay active.
I was diagnosed in my younger years with some conditions that I believe are neglected as people age. I’m being treated much more aggressively and successfully than a lot of people who have the exact same conditions in their sixties. It’s like I’m worthy of treatment because I’m young and it’s rare in a young person, but if I were old, it would be common and not taken seriously? I’m genuinely worried about maintaining access to good care as I get older.
Anon
Planning on creating a home office using our spare bedroom. Would you keep the wall-to-wall carpet, or get hardwood? I’m torn. It gets cold here (NEUS) and I want it to be cozy, but I also like the idea of freely rolling an office chair around a hard floor.
Anon
Hardwood and area rug, always and forever.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon.
We did this. Hard wood + an area rug is my strong personal preference. I also have a wall of bookshelves (from Ikea) that makes it feel office. The more ‘office’ it feels the more I’m able to mentally separate home and work.
Anonymous
For me, it depends on whether you can match existing hardwood in the adjoining room/hallway. If yes, then do it. If not, carpet is better than one random bedroom with non-matching hardwood.
Senior Attorney
That shouldn’t be much of an issue, though. I’ve done it a few times.
Anon
Rolling around a hard floor sounds nice until you see the grooves you’ve created in your lovely floor. So the answer is one of those floor mats meant to go under a rolling chair. Then you can have whatever floor covering you like and still roll to your heart’s content.
anonshmanon
+1. Depends on the chair and the floor, but those grooves = regretttt.
Anon
Yep. I was sadly speaking from experience!!
Anon
Office chairs can come with two different types of wheels – plastic casters for carpet or rubber wheels for hardwood. Maybe an option only on more expensive chairs, but you’re not necessarily going to damage your floor.
Anon
I know I’m in the minority but I find carpet both cozier and cleaner (walking on hardwoods barefoot really icks me out unless the floors are immaculate, which they rarely are ). Our whole house is carpet except kitchen, dining and entryway.
Anon
All that ick you get from walking in bare feet on hardwood floors is still there in the carpet, you just can’t see it and you can’t get it out. That grosses me out more.
Anon
Yup, I’m aware of that but I REALLY hate the feeling of dirt and foot particles sticking to my feet. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess? Hardwood also allows germs to transfer to you more easily. They’ve actually done studies about this – if you drop a piece of food on the floor it gets germy much faster on hardwood than carpet.
Anon
I just moved from one home office (carpeted) to another one (hard wood with large area rug). I miss the carpeted office. It was so much cosier. I bought a small plastic square so I could move the chair around.
Kelsey
Can anyone here share any tips on using the apple podcast app? For awhile, I was downloading every interesting episode and then I discovered the Save button and the subscribe feature. It seems that every episode that I stopped before the very end (don’t need to hear all of the credits) remains in resume mode. Can someone who listens to a bunch of podcasts share some basic tips on how to make it efficient? I now have to go back and delete like 50 episodes from my downloaded ones, ugh.
Anan
When I listen, I the use “mark as played” feature when I get to the credits and that will usually remove it from my queue.
Clara
I’m starting a new job in a week. I know this has been discussed here before, but I’m trying to figure out what I want to do . prepare. Its still remote and I am not good at WFH, so I’m definitely going to work on setting up a workspace etc. Planning to go to some museums I haven’t been to yet in my city. Getting my nails done and a haircut (that feels like a new job thing to do, not as relevant over Zoom but whatever). Single, no kids, big city
Cb
I am starting a new job next Friday and have a haircut booked, am dyeing my hair, bought a few new items of clothing, and a new planner. I’ll be travelling back and forth (with a room in the job city) so trying to figure out travel and routines.
Clara
Ah that reminds me, I’m not completely sure what their dress code is when it is in person. I assume business casual (emphasis on the casual) but I should check.
Cornellian
Might be less relevant in WFH times, but maybe get any dental/eye/etc appointments out of the way?
I’d also try to nail down how you plan on eating. I feel like in the beginning of WFH I either was grazing my way through the kitchen ever 60 minutes, or forgetting to eat for 8 hours. I started keeping cheese and fruit around.
Anon
Definitely the medical stuff. We’re most of the way through a calendar year, so you may have already met your deductibles and other limits. Fit in as many healthcare appointments as you can, before everything resets at the new job.
CHL
I feel like we should have a support group – I’m starting new job on October 4th! I did a lot of my self care appointments but I also found a lot of value in going to my local library and a coffee shop to sit and reflect/ journal on how I want to be seen going into the new role, how I’ll think about my priorities and time as I start, etc. Just having some time to “think” has been really helpful. Also I think your idea about museums is perfect – for me it looked a little more like botanical garden, but having some time around beautiful things helped settle my brain and refresh me for the next step! Good luck!
anne-on
Too funny, also starting a new job next week, good luck to us all!
I have a school aged child, so a lot of the stuff I did in my break in between roles was to get us and him set up for return to in-person learning. I also bought Halloween stuff (costumes, decorations, candy), cleaned out a bunch of closets, filed/tossed files from my old job, and got a new haircut, massage, and pedicure. I cleaned out my desk and also bought a new notebook/pens (first day of school style!) which I’m looking forward to using. I also used the time to make sure a bunch of ‘life stuff’ was up to date so I didn’t have to focus on it when I’m heads down my first few months – got our tree guys out to take care of a dying tree, weeded/cut down the shrubs before winter, made our 2021 donations, got everyone doctor’s appointments and flu shots, etc.
Term Life Insurance Question
For those of you with term life insurance:
– how much do you pay/month?
– how old were you when you took out the policy?
– how long is the policy?
– which company do you use?
I’m thinking of shopping around b/c ours is insanely expensive, but we also waited until we were 38 to take out the policies and my husband had a few health issues.
Anon
I got it in my late 30s after my kids were born. 20 years ago it was $40-$45 per month for $1million 20 year term. One of my policies just expired (meaning, one of my kids turned 20!) and I was happy that I hadn’t needed it. Other people might feel some kind of way about all the $40 monthly payments resulting in no payout, but that’s the nature of term insurance.
Word to the wise for anyone in the latter years of a term policy – my policy was going to “convert” to some astronomical monthly payment at the end of the 20 year term so I had to actively cancel it to keep this from happening. We had the payments on auto withdrawal so they would have gone ahead and processed the new payment otherwise.
Anonymous
Northwestern Mutual, 20yr term
$1M policies for each of us
Taken out in the late 30s, no major health problems for either of us
~$50/month for wife & $100/month for husband
Anonymous
We each pay about $500 once a year for 20 year term. Covers $500k or so.
Shifting Gears
I’m so excited! I’m starting a career-changing training program today that has been a goal for a while. Can’t wait to start this next chapter!
Senior Attorney
Yay!! Enjoy!!
New Car Q
Finally decided on the Lexus GX and would love to know thoughts on third row usage and captain’s chairs. We’d like to grow our family (no kids at the moment, but a mid-size dog we adore who goes everywhere with us) and I like keeping cars forever and a day, so taking car seats into account makes sense.
In short, I can’t decide between the captain’s chairs vs. buying it with a full second row. Dog/dog hammock would be set up on the third row. If we ever had a baby/toddler, would it make more sense to have a full second row vs. captain’s chairs? Captain’s chairs are considered an upgrade, so it brings up the price just a bit.
Anon
Full second row because if you have kids there will be occasions where you need to cart their friends around. More seating = better
Anon
Also, child seats can be harder to fit on bucket type seats
Cornellian
I’d do a row and not captain chairs. You’ll (probably) only have one baby at a time and when all their items scatter, you don’t want o have to climb through your filthy car to look between captain seats. Plus I find rows more useful for groceries, etc. Captain chairs might be useful when they’re older, but my kid is 4 and I am nowhere near wanting them yet. That sounds like a late elementary-age thing. I’m not sure how long you keep cars, but that’s a while out.
Cat
How do you get to the third row if you don’t select captain’s chairs?
Saguaro
The 2nd row seat flips forward so you can climb in to the 3rd row.
Cornellian
A fair question, though, if you have carseats locked in to the second row. I assumed the dog would enter from the back if necessary.
Anon.
This is why I have captains chairs. Accessing the 3rd row for an adult (like my mother who rides with us not infrequently) seemed like a massive pain with car seats strapped in the second row. We can and do use the third row for additional adults.
Anonymous
Why buy a three row car for two people and a dog? Do you just really hate Mother Earth that much?
Senior Attorney
I feel like it’s more hateful to Mother Earth to buy one car now and then buy the big car later when they have children.
Anon
But you really don’t need this large of a car if you’re planning on two kids. It’s only at 3 or more kids that you really need a minivan or giant SUV. Most four person families I know drive sedans or two row SUVs and it’s just fine.
You do if you have a dog
We’re planning on 2 kids, and will upgrade from our current car (Forester) to a 3 row SUV or minivan once second baby is imminent, because we have a large dog and a cat and we often travel with our pets. You cannot do 2 kids plus labrador plus cat plus luggage/all the things required for travel with kids and pets, in a 2 row SUV.
Anon
I had to look this thing up and it’s a tank. No one needs a vehicle like this. It’s too fancy to get dirty. It’s enormous. It has terrible lines of sight (so dangerous to pedestrians and cyclists, as are most trucks and large SUVs). It gets 15 MPG.
There is no way to justify this as a grocery-getter. You might as well buy a Hummer.
Anon
They have a dog, too. I can barely fit two carseats in my Forester and there’s no way a pet could fit in the middle, plus it would be a safety hazard unsecured.
Anon
We have a teenage son, two medium-size dogs, and a Hyundai Santa Fe. To make it work when we go camping, or on a trip longer than 2 nights, we had to buy a trailer-hitch cargo carrier and a roof-rack cargo bin so we can fit everything we need. If we had more than one child, it just wouldn’t work, period. To wit, my son, who is tall, has made friends with several kids even taller than he is and when three of them are crammed into that back seat? It feels like a clown car.
Many times I wish we’d just bought a bigger SUV. Do we need it all the time? No. But when we need it we need it. I think people who want to lecture others about this maybe don’t live very active lives (or very social ones) and so don’t get the necessity. And if you don’t have kids or dogs, you definitely don’t get it.
Anon
People with multiple kids and pets get by without owning a tank-like pedestrian and eco hazard all over the world, and even in the USA. You do not need a giant luxury truck/SUV for everyday errands.
OP
I have a tiny eco-friendly car and also happen to have severe driving anxiety/PTSD due to an accident I witnessed/was almost part of. After *much* therapy, etc., it seems like a bigger car (we’ve tried lots of other things and have tested it with my SO’s car) really really helps. Something about the height and body-on-frame cars makes me feel more comfortable. At one point, it was completely debilitating and I was missing life due to the fear of driving.
A little empathy goes a long way. There are other things I do to offset my car footprint–even now, because I live in a rural/non-bikeable area.
Curious
People can be quick to judge here, but I think most of us see the nuance in this sort of decision, and you have more cause than most of us to choose a larger car. (Hi, I just live near the mountains. Sure, we bought a hybrid, but it still uses gas on the highway!) I’m sorry for your experience and PTSD.
Anonymous
We have a Subaru Outback and 2 kids – I regret not getting a bigger car. Nooooo trunk space, even a weekend away we’re full to the brim.
Finch
We have the GX with a full 2nd row and love it! Agree w/all of the above in terms of the extra seat! It has been crazy useful for groceries, sports carpools ( always with all the windows down and masks on- sigh) etc.
Anon
Captain’s chairs—these save so many “he’s touching me/on my side” arguments. Also, if you ever have adults riding with you, separate seats are much nicer than a bench. Your dog likely votes for the bench, however, despite your plans for the third row.
Computer monitor
I need a new computer monitor for working from home. Any suggestions? Doesn’t need to be fancy. Best place to buy a monitor?
Also interested in how people affix monitors so they don’t fall over if you want to float your desk away from the wall and have kids/animals who might bump it.
Rox
I use velcro to keep my cats from knocking over lamps and I’m sure the same would work for computer monitors.
Curious
I got a nice Samsung monitor on sale at Amazon, I think for Prime Day? It sits on a stand that takes up more of my desk than I’d like, but the experience of buying it and the cost was good.
Anon
Responding late to “Career Help” from yesterday: If you really want to get out of litigation (I’ve been there), here are some other possibilities – look into regulatory compliance jobs, other JD preferred jobs (e.g., IRB’s like to hire attorneys), or switch to the corporate or T&E or L&E group within your firm. Is there a university, law school or even a small college nearby? Lots of places would love having a former AUSA teach a clinic, a seminar or as an adjunct (if you don’t need the money). You can get a remote job working for legal publications. You can work for a law school career office. You can become a legal recruiter. You can have your own solo practice or join someone else who has a small firm. You can write for a legal blog like above the law. If you can move, there are even more possibilities (including going back into government). Good luck!
Cornellian
I also had a late response because if you’re in Austin some state governmetn jobs are open in compliance, which would be JD preferred.
Anon
Buying land through private sale – i assume a real estate attorney is involved. How to identify a good one?
Sunflower
If your state has board certification for lawyers, look for one who’s board-certified in residential or commercial real estate, whichever you need. If you’re in Texas, look at https://www.tbls.org. Another idea is to check with a title company. They often know who the good local real estate lawyers are.