Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Alpaca Blend Blazer

393 Comments

1. I wanted to thank everyone who was talking about the Oldest Daughter problem last month – this really helped me understand why I was feeling like I was getting the short straw in the family holiday arrangements (add to Oldest Daughter the Only Single Person factor…). Both of my parents are youngest children, as of course is my younger sibling, so I’m well and truly outnumbered.

   1. (Overall I had a great festive period but there were definitely things I wasn’t a fan of and I’m looking forward to having a car by next year so I can leave when I want and not have to wait for trains to go back to normal after New Year!)

   2. oooh no only oldest in a family of youngest children is hard.

      I literally have been waiting 3 days to come and post my latest Oldest Daughter happening, and the first post is already about it. :) Maybe we really do need a site.

      My latest Oldest Daughter thing: my littlest sister asked me to be her maid of honor last weekend. We’re not particularly close, and she’s planning a 2023 huge wedding that I have absolutely no experience with (I got married two months after getting engaged with only immediate family there/big weddings are not my thing.) I was surprised and here are reasons why she wanted me to do be her maid of honor: I’m organized, I keep her on track, good at creating schedules and making sure she sticks to them, good at listening to her, offering advice and supporting her choices and helping her get what she wants, I make sure things get done when they need to. She was describing the reasons why and it’s literally a list of Oldest Daughter characteristics.

      Of course I said yes, because I am the Oldest Daughter.

      1. Oof, I’m an only child but I think you’re being really hard on your sister. It’s normal to want your sister as your MOH even if you’re not super close. And plenty of people have big weddings. Just because you chose something different doesn’t mean her choice is bad, and you sound kind of judgy about her and her wedding.

         1. Her sister is a bridezilla. The maid of honor is not supposed to serve as a wedding planner or day-of coordinator. She hosts the shower and holds the flowers during the ceremony. That’s it.

            1. Exactly. This crap about bridesmaids or maids of honor doing stuff – just no. They show up and look pretty and socialize. They are not your errand runners or flower arrangers or chair stackers or clean-up crew. They don’t need to accompany you to dress shopping or other errands unless they would genuinely enjoy it. They can wear their hair or makeup any way they like and they don’t have to abstain from wearing a white sundress at a bridal shower. It’s ridiculous IMO.

            2. i don’t see it that way at all. none of these things are “day of” — a schedule for life leading up, helping her have her dream day… This is not at all bridezilla and frankly, if all my big sister did for my wedding was hold flower, i would have been crushed. Instead, she was with me every step of the way and it was amazing– even though she was single and not a “wedding person”– but she is an amazing sister.

         2. Iol I think you’re misreading some tone into my comments – I literally just stated facts. Big wedding. Not my thing. No experience doing it. Saying something isn’t my thing doesn’t mean it’s not perfectly lovely for her. I’m going to be a part of it and show up with a good attitude. But I just thought her reasons why it’s me and not two of her friends (or her future SIL who she’s much closer with) were hilarious First Daughter descriptions.

            She’s also not necessarily being a bridezilla either. :) She’s just excited about her wedding and does in fact need a wedding coordinator – the suggestions below are spot on. I actually have a friend who does some wedding coordinating as part of her floral business who I trust and I’ll talk to her about costs of paying her to do it.

         3. But “good at listening to her, offering advice and supporting her choices and helping her get what she wants” is something a friend or sister should do. I had a (paid) day-of coordinator, but she was there for logistical stuff like directing guests, not emotional stuff. The idea that a MOH does nothing except show up and look pretty and hold flowers is wild to me. They’re normally the bride’s closest confident and source of emotional support.

            Also I was roped into being a de facto day-of coordinator for my BFF. It wasn’t ideal, but I would never describe her as a bridezilla. It was just poor planning.

      2. Oldest daughter (of two oldest children) and Virgo here: yes, and then you will be asked to lead all of the volunteer organizations. I wish I were so promotable and seen as capable at work. Maybe it should be a resume item?

         1. All of the “other” duties and expectations likely are what keep you from being perceived as so promotable. That’s one reason why the boundary-enforcement is important.

         2. +1 to that last sentence. It’s like I’m only able to be promotable when my labour is not compensated in any way.

         3. Yesss I’m a Virgo too! I did a little bit feel I was being hired for a job I forgot I applied for.

         4. I am the oldest daughter, but I am not priviledged in any way. My sister is younger then me, is cuter then me, has a husband and children, and lives in a 6 bedroom castle in Chapaqua with a live-in housekeeper / cook. I taught her alot growing up but she wound up with the silver spoon in her mouth. I did get to go to law school, and I have made the most of it, as I have become a partner in a boutique law firm, even tho I am single and have no kids or prospects for either. I have a 3 BR coop apartment that I live in that my dad bought, and he comes to stay with me for a few days a month when he teaches at Colombia University. I wish I had a better social life, but I can’t force people to be my friend, other then Myrna, whose been there all along for me ever since I served subpeenies for a living. I guess it could be alot worse, but right now I am feeling like I could have married a few guys if they hadn’t been such schlubs, and I’d be up in Chapaqua or someother town. Covid hasn’t helped at all, as I must stay away from people who are asymptomtic. I hope to find a boyfreind b/c I am turning 40 this year and will not have many guys anxius to marry me any more.

      3. I mean that sounds like she wants a wedding planner! I sympathise. I was complaining to my mum last night that married people get a KitchenAid given to them *and* have someone to split the bills with, while single people can’t afford the KitchenAid because we’re paying all our bills alone. Tongue firmly in cheek of course…

         1. I just wish in general that there were more non-wedding big events where we celebrate people. I guess you can throw a housewarming and might be given a KitchenAid. Although people don’t usually do gift registries for housewarming.

            1. My family gave up on me getting married and threw me a housewarming shower when I bought a house. I got silver flatwear and some fun platters I never would have bothered to get (and that was back when I entertained).

            2. Planning to hold a huge party for my 30th and tell anyone who would come to my wedding to treat it as that! If I do find a willing victim to take to the Altar later, that in itself will be a present.

            3. @Anon at 9:56am – I haven’t bought property, but my family has also started giving me things like heirloom glasses and jewelry that they otherwise traditionally would have given me when I got married.
               @ Ribena – That’s a great idea, and love the way your phrased it!

            4. I agree with this. When my friend finished her PhD, I sent a wedding-level amount of cash as a gift.

            5. Ribena, you act like you’re some old crone and you’re only 28. Calm down.

            6. Seriously, it’s a little tone deaf.

         2. I was told that my SIL didn’t ask me to be in her wedding party because ‘we need you to be the day of coordinator’. I noped right out of that request SO fast and referred her to my wedding coordinator. To his credit, my husband was SO mad on my behalf as he knew how hard it was to plan our wedding and how hard our coordinator worked.

         3. Sounds like that to me. True story, my little sister had a wedding planner who failed in every way possible at the last minute so I was the de-facto day of wedding coordinator (at my sister’s panicked request). I spent the reception in the kitchen making sure the caterers knew what to do with the food and helping the band set up. Yes, I am an oldest daughter, why do you ask?

         4. On a random Saturday when I was in my late 30’s, I heard tap tap tap at the kitchen door and opened it to find my mother standing there with a large box. She came in and dumped it on my kitchen counter while saying “here this is for you, since I don’t guess you’re going to get married and get one that way”. It was a KitchenAid mixer. Uh, thanks for the really nice gift, but geez Mother….

         5. Or you could get married to someone who thinks you can’t afford a house that’s big enough for KitchenAid, even though you really can, and never get one. Sigh.

      4. When I got married part of my job at the time was helping to plan/execute large corporate events. My parents then took this as a sign that wedding planning would be a breeze and I was SO silly for wanting to elope. No, I just knew how hard event planning was and that I wouldn’t be part of an 8 person team with a large corporate budget/discounts when doing it myself.
         And then they all proceeded to make fun of me for my charts, spreadsheets, project plans and binders and did not understand why I hired a coordinator for the week of. I felt moderately validated when our wedding venue tried to change our contract, we had a major road closure day of, and a natural disaster that impacted our honeymoon. All were mitigated due to those ‘ridiculously complicated’ plans I had that ‘nobody would ever need’. Sigh.

      5. Wedding planners are not as expensive as you think. If you have the means and she doesn’t not have one, please consider making that your wedding gift to her for your own sanity.

         1. This is a really good suggestion – thanks! I totally hadn’t thought of that, but I have a good friend who owns a floral business and does wedding coordination too. Def going to have a conversation with her.

   3. Another oldest daughter with you in solidarity! My mom said over the holidays as we were cleaning out her garage that she just works so much better with me than with the other siblings. That she never asks them to help because I’m so much better at tackling big home projects with her. Equal parts flattered and screaming into the abyss :)

      1. + infinity to your last sentence

         1. Absolutely. I feel like my brother has always been strategically inept.

      2. That’s so frustrating.

      3. I feel your last sentence so hard too. I actually had to put up a hard boundary for myself that it is not my job to clean my parents house. They never ask, it’s just so insanely cluttered and I feel like it had never gotten cleaned up without me running the major cleanup project. I’m don’t generally suffer from a lot of anxiety, but that’s one area where I cannot think about it too long or else I start to get really anxious.

         I do a lot more visiting in the summer when we can be outside in their amazing yard. Picnics and bbqs at their house, winter things at mine.

         1. “They never ask” omg then don’t do it! It’s not your responsibility and never has been. Your adult parents are allowed to live in a cluttered house.

            1. I haven’t for years. That doesn’t mean the feeling goes away. It’s not a them problem at all – it’s all me. The boundary is for myself.

   4. Oh no, I feel for you. My mom is the oldest but moved away from her immediate family so physically avoided a lot of the ‘work’ normally associated with it, which got passed along to her sisters who stayed local. I’ve also felt very validated by a lot of gen-x/elder millienial women talking about how their parents had/have NO understanding of the whole second shift concept and are actively unsupportive of their careers because of ingrained misogny (you should WANT to take care of the house, I don’t know why you work so much your husband can take care of you, this wasn’t an issue in my day, etc. etc.). It doesn’t FIX the issue but nice to know I’m not at all alone in this experience.

      1. Boomer here, and I worked that second shift, as did every single one of my (contemporary) friends.

         1. I SO wish I had a boomer parent who got it. Unfortunately, as I said, my mom had a pink collar job as did her sisters/family and they all relied on extended family for unpaid child/elder care. Both my mom/MIL acted like I was torturing my child for using daycare and then called us ‘spoiled’ and ‘snobby’ for getting au pairs/sitters. Yay…

            1. Ugh, sounds like DH’s side of the family. They really do not get our lives, at all.

            2. I am the boomer above and I hear you. I also hear my friends complaining about their kids who expect them to quit or reduce their hours or spend their retirements providing free child care for grandchildren. My point is that this is situational and it would be better not to point fingers across a line at another generation, when it is not necessarily a generational issue.

            3. Most people, regardless of generation, are self-centered and expect everyone else’s lives to revolve around them. There is so much whining here and on the moms’ page about grandparents who don’t help out enough or don’t behave exactly as their adult children want them to. For their part, old people want young people to pay taxes to support their Medicare and Social Security benefits, but don’t want to pay taxes themselves or support education, health care, and child care to benefit younger people. It’s all gimme, gimme, gimme.

            4. +1 to not making this generational. If we are just looked at anecdata,I am the daughter and granddaughter of women who worked full time while also raising children. (Greatest Generation and Boomer respectively). For my grandmother it was a matter of economic necessity. Even back then it was pretty common for less affluent (or non-white) women to work outside the home. The vision many of us have about family structure in the 40s, 50s and early 60s is HIGHLY influenced by television and not particularly accurate outside a very specific demographic.

               Further Baby Boomers were the first generation of middle and upper class women to enter the work force in large numbers. (Hence the latch key kid phenomenon that many Gen X’ers experienced.) The labor force participation rate for women peaked in 1999 and has been going down ever since. I do not discount that individual members of any generation can be insensitive to the difficulties of working women, but to assign that to “Boomers” is frankly just agist.

               And to be honest the discrimination I have faced as a women lawyer pales in comparison to the discrimination against me as a women lawyer in my 50s.

         2. Yup. I honestly don’t know any boomers who didn’t do this.

            1. I’m an older Gen X, my husband is a late boomer. Both of his sisters immediately quit their jobs and stayed home as soon as they got married (even before kids.)

               I was kind of shocked!! I thought that was for prior generations.

      2. Oh man. My mom is a boomer and was a physician, while my dad was a minister. Mom was the breadwinner, worked the second shift at home pretty much on her own, and worked a third shift at church. I love that she does not want that for me. Sometimes I feel like my entire goal in life is to be less busy than I was between the ages of 7 and 17.

   5. Haha I forgot about this. A story:

      My dad group texted my family (me [oldest], sister, brother, and mom [they are divorced but amicable]) asking that we all rapid test before getting together on Christmas, a week or so before the holiday. We all happily agreed. My sister is a nurse in a nursing home; my brother is engaged to a virologist that works in a lab. My father loves with a woman who is a former school nurse/volunteer nurse and my mother is an elem teacher.

      On Christmas Eve, when all rapid tests are sold out for miles, the following happens:
      – my mother claims her in school pool testing from Monday of the previous week counts as a test
      – my sister drives into town asking where she can buy a rapid test. She tested on Monday at work but hasn’t tested since then. Nor did she bring one of the 73678274 tests they have for staff along with her on her 7 hour drive.
      – my brother tells us his fiancé was exposed at work over the week and is a close contact. They are going to rapid test. my brother has forgotten entirely; he and his fiancé stop in her lab on the drive over and do some kind of back alley COVID test using what she has in the lab (this is actually legit; they have all the stuff. It’s just silly and took an extra 2 hours).
      – my dad and his girlfriend realize they only have one rapid test between the two of them and they are both going different places. He texts me explaining the situation, offering to come over but stay outside since he cannot locate a test.

      Guess who had bought a dozen boxes of rapid tests a couple weeks back anticipating our 3 kids would need them? Hard eye roll.

      Though I did bust out my oldest daughter role concept as I handed each of them a test on my front porch. It was then that I realized none of my siblings, future sister in law, husband, or parents is an Oldest. Clearly.

      1. this Oldest (Child) in Youngest Family thread is sending me. a revelation. My spouse is oldest in youngest family (parents and sibs) and this same crap happened !

         family declares that they want everyone tested to protect the youngest pregnant woman… yet no one has foresight to have tests except us (Two Oldest Children).

         It all makes sense! :)

         1. I posted above about Christmas Eve COVID tests. To be totally fair, my dad and brother and brothers fiancé are all the youngest. They are the legit life of the party and always extremely flexible/go with the flow. They were of the opinion that if they couldn’t find a test they’d just stay home.

            Mom and sister are all middles.

            Husband is a Only Son which makes him a horse of a different color. But also helpless.

   6. Omg, yes. Dealing with this in my life. (I know it’s also a reflection of mental health issues, but sometimes I want to scream, get your life together!)

      I was watching the new season of Queer Eye while doing New Year’s cleaning. I kept thinking, wow, you’re allowed to just, not have it all together? Also, I wish someone would just come solve my life problems.

      1. Oh my god, yes. It’s frustrating when people don’t realize that as the oldest failure is just not an option because there is no back up, you are everyone else’s back up, but that is not a luxury the oldest is afforded.

         1. If the consequence of “failure” is that people don’t have what they want to eat a holiday meal, I’d argue that the failure is probably going to be fine.

            It’s obviously different if the consequence is that grandpa with dementia is roaming the neighborhood alone, but those are not the stakes on a lot of these posts.

            I am the oldest, and I’ve been in both of the situations above. That and therapy have helped me realize that it’s fine to let go of the responsibilities of the first category unless I want to shoulder them.

         2. Eh I disagree. A lot of these things are choices and family pressure for the oldest to be Responsible and In Charge. When the younger kids step up, no one notices.

            I mentioned on the previous thread that my older sister is a train wreck. Nevertheless, she was always put “in charge” because she was “older” and even if she was not responsible, it was assumed that the extra two years made her more mature than responsible me.

            It got so bad that my stepmother, herself an oldest daughter, had my cocaine-addicted sister “help” me with caring for her kids over a long weekend. What subsequently happened is something that I can only describe in therapy. Cocaine + overinflated ego + “in charge” + toddlers = mind-shatteringly awful disaster.

            Maybe it’s “easier” for parents to default to leaning on the oldest daughter, but that just upsets everyone who is responsible and allows the irresponsible people an out.

         3. What? Of course failure is an option. When it’s not life and death, let people fail. It will be fine. So what if Christmas/holiday isn’t “perfect?” So what if people don’t have the right thing to eat? There are ways to either accept a different level of “done” or do things like order take out. If no one is going to die if you don’t martyr yourself and step in, then failure is of course an option. (I am the First Daughter in my family btw)

   7. My family is great but I’m the oldest and, like you, everyone else in my immediate family is the youngest; my mom and brother also have adhd so there is a very noticeable lack of order and organization in my family.

   8. Semi-related, I watched Encanto with the kids over the weekend. The oldest sister has a song, Surface Pressure, that so perfectly captures the Oldest Daughter dynamic I almost started crying during the movie. “Give it to your sister, your sister’s older. Give her all the heavy things we can’t shoulder.”

      1. both as an oldest daughter and just someone who is organized and seems like they have stuff under control (even when they don’t), that song really spoke to me.

      2. My kids are watching this right now and I opened up this post to flag the song. So good.

   9. I am an oldest daughter, but it just goes to show how different families can be. I don’t do any of this, nor do I feel obligated or pressured to fill this role. I’ve stayed silent on past threads because I feel like such an outlier, but I am also quite pleased to be in this case!

      1. Same here. I just don’t relate at all. I’m oldest, competent and organized but I don’t make it my identity. I also don’t pick up the slack for the rest of my family.

      2. I am oldest daughter and oldest of my generation in the immediate family (1.cousin).
         And I don’t feel obligated or forced into that kind of role either. Although that is probably partly because I don’t spend a lot of time with family.
         My spouse might disagree though – I do remember him teasing me about my spreadsheets and organising for a family event-thing that wasn’t even my idea.

      3. Same here. Oldest daughter, and while I’m very responsible and organized, my siblings and parents are competent people. They don’t need me to take over their lives or fix them. I have an oldest-daughter friend who does this with her family, though, and I wonder how much of it is self-inflicted. Let your people live their lives and figure out their own problems.

         1. Oldest here and my parents and sister are fully competent. I can see my mother slowing down a bit, but my sister and I pitch in equally. I can’t relate to this either.

      4. Somewhat same. I eventually got fed up in my mid-20s then decided to 100% clock out on oldest daughter “duties.” I’ve spent years in therapy working through how the combination of toxic family dynamics and oldest daughter expectations made me vulnerable to the abusive relationship that ruined my 20s and made it nearly impossible for me to move out on my own when trying to leave. My family now sees me as a failure compared to my younger sibling because I don’t do as much as to help my parents (meaning I don’t come home and just start fixing up their house, I don’t order items for them that they mention in passing would be nice, don’t take the initiative to plan family gatherings, etc.) but I give no f***s. I moved a plane ride away, only visit for holidays, and learn what I need to about home & car maintenance and overall life management from online resources (and learn from it when I get it wrong).

      5. A lot of the examples people have are problems they’ve kind of created for themselves. I don’t doubt the pressure, but at a certain point you have some responsibility for not saying no.

      6. Another hand raised for “I am the oldest” and do not fit the stereotype, In fact, it is my youngest sister who both does what needs to be done for our elderly father (because she lives closest) and takes the laboring oar for the family organizing.

         But then we are all competent adults and she does things like drive him to medical appointments, not doing things we can and should be able to do ourselves.

   10. Oldest daughter: I’m the one that’s good at caring for my dad and I get asked first when my mom needs coverage. My little brother comes to visit for a weekend every few months and is lauded by the family for coming to spend time with his dad when I was there for 9+ months doing it every single freaking day and have gone back multiple times since to help for a week+.

       1. Oldest daughter too–Missed this thread last week- I can can echo lots of this. I parents in their 90’s and 2 sibling who help some, but I am responsible. I am honored to help my Mom & Dad and glad to have them here at an advanced age, but it is HARD.

   11. I’m an oldest daughter. I didn’t realize this was a thing, but everything you all wrote above reminds me of exactly why I don’t do family…..

       1. Yeah I’ve given it up. I decided a long time ago that all the holiday stuff is optional, and I do only what I feel like doing.

          Elder care, on the other hand… What am I supposed to do, leave my dad on an ice floe somewhere?

          1. According to some other commenters….yes abandon them. But I’m with you, I won’t engage in elder abuse just to make a point to my irresponsible family, I begrudgingly step up because it’s not optional in my view.

             1. Honestly I feel like if there is a hell, I’m going there because I do it with such bad grace. But I agree, it’s not optional (for me, anyway… I guess it is for my siblings).

             2. I’ve never seen other commenters endorse elder abuse, and I read here a lot.

                I think that this type of attitude is why some people have such a hard time setting any boundaries. The Oldest Daughter threads I’ve been seeing lately are about things like being asked to prepare a large holiday meal, coordinate COVID test for otherwise functional grownups, and things like that. None of those tasks are on the same level as anything that could qualify as elder abuse. When you view them as even close to similar, I can understand why it would be very difficult to set any boundaries.

             3. Oh FFS, no one is telling you to ignore your elders and let them die by neglect. What we are saying is that no, you do not have to fix the no-one else got their act together to get CV test problem because Christmas not being exactly as planned is not the END OF TIMES and SURPRISE everyone still lives and life goes on. People either learn their lesson or they stop aasking you to do everything becuase you finally set boundaries and got over the love of being superior family member who saves the day for everyone.

                Obviously there is a difference between leaving your loved ones to die of neglect and people not getting together for a holiday dinner because they didn’t get their act together to get themselves the necessary COVID tests. Don’t be obtuse.

             4. For shit’s sake, this is a completely different situation than what people are describing above.

   12. What is everyone going to be doing in 25-40 years when most kids (in my city at least) seem to be only kids and 50% of them are boys? Is this why China has gone away from their 1-child policy? Not enough oldest daughters (or daughters, for that matter)? Wish I were kidding.

       1. Well, here’s my anecdata: My husband and my son are both only children and Hubby stepped up for his mom (had her living with him at the end, even — dad died young), and Son is stepping up for his much-older-than-me dad (and also his grandfather — don’t know what I’d do without him!). So some of us raised the boys right, at least.

       2. When it came to care of his father in the last few years, my Dad (a young boomer) was really involved. His oldest sister was 400 miles away (in the same city I live in now) and can’t drive for medical reasons, and the middle sister isn’t quite estranged but also isn’t involved, and he stepped up to the plate. So youngest siblings can step up when the situation demands it! (Even if they spend the rest of their time infuriating the oldest sisters around them…)

       3. Then the only boys will help care for their parents? I can’t imagine any of the men in my circle literally just brushing their hands off and saying, “Well, no daughters in my family so I guess my parents have to eat cat food and never go to their appointments.”

       4. To be fair, I talk about Oldest Daughter stuff here because that’s who it originally got phrased a few weeks ago, but my husband is the oldest in his family and he has a lot more Oldest Son feelings of obligation and responsibility than I do. He and I actually talk about sibling order dynamics a lot between the two of us.

       5. My DH is an only child (and a male, obvs), and he has completely stepped up with eldercare responsibilities.

2. A small moment to whine since I can’t anywhere else: I am PMSing so I am weepy and I had to increase my Prednisone dosage so I am roid-ragey and we are halfway through unpacking from a move and our nanny is out with COVID. Today feels insurmountable. Hope everyone else’s 2022 is off to a better start!

   1. oh me too minus the prednisdone. but also PMSing, nanny is out with covid and while we are more than halfway unpacked through our move, i had all these plans to unpack over the past two weeks – ha. sending all the good vibes your way

      1. Ugh I’m sorry

   2. I’ll join in the hormone whining to cry that I’ve apparently entered the hot flash phase of life. I’m radiating heat and rolling sweat every night, even when the thermostat is set at 62°. It’s so bad I haven’t slept through the night in several months and last night I was on the sofa in our basement family room since it’s cooler there. I’m exhausted. Oh, and I can’t take the recommended course of action suggested by my dr (low-dose Prozac) because mental-health meds are a definite no in my field, even if they’re used for off-label purposes. I can’t imagine this going on for years.

      1. Ugh I’m sorry. Due to a variety of medical issues I white-knuckled it through the hot flash phase, so it can be done, but it’s not fun. Try to figure out your triggers, even if that means keeping a journal. For me it was a late dinner, sugar in the evening, or wine (white wine in particular). I now understand why the seniors have early bird specials!

      2. Maybe hormone replacement therapy to ease the transition?

      3. Maybe consider a second opinion from a different doctor. There are treatment options other than Prozac, and you shouldn’t have to suffer and not sleep for months.

3. My husband grew his hair to about his shoulders during the pandemic and has asked me if there are such things as hair accessories for men, especially clips or barrettes (he has some pony tail holders but doesn’t really like the pony tail look).

   He doesn’t care that they are specifically for men, just would probably prefer something simple and neutral and not super girly. I will probably pick up some plain Goody barrettes to try, but would appreciate any recommendations if you have them.

   1. Bobby pins?

   2. I am into the early aughts soccer player thin headband look. For inspiration, try looking for “Diego Forlán and the curious tale of World Cup hairbands”

      1. Jamie Tartt currently favors this look.

         1. A+ reference. Also, it looks great on him!

      2. Yeah, and the Italian guy on the latest season of Great British Baking Show!

         1. His hair is seriously amazing.

   3. My long-haired SO has a ton Goody black ponytail holders on hand – the ones that are slightly thicker. (I like the phone cord ponytailers and these decidedly did not work for him – too noticeable.) He also just bought some headbands for workouts- I can post back here next week if he likes them.

      1. For anyone near a Marshalls – this past weekend ours had glass canisters of the phone-cord style and plain elastic-style ponytail holders for $9.99-$14.99 for the canister. I bought a canister of 150 of the plain elastics for $12.99 and now will have ponytail holders for months, without having to scrounge them out from under the couch.

   4. Rubber bands

      1. Ow, no. Just because he’s a dude doesn’t mean he can’t use actual hair ties.

   5. Goody also has bobby pins in a variety of metallic and neutral colors

      1. He can have some of my schrunchies. Guys with long hair look dopey to begin with, so adding a schrunchie can’t really do much harm. At least he can keep the hair under control with a schrunchie, tho it will probably look a bit feminine. But if he has long hair, he can’t really look too macho to begin with.

   6. They’re still ponytail holders, but could he do a bun with those invisibobbles? Those seem fairly neutral. Otherwise maybe something matte/slightly different shape than the traditional claw, like: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B094HR5TZW/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?_encoding=UTF8&aaxitk=2a09bb21a69d5e15d61695227030aab5&hsa_cr_id=8472401580501&pd_rd_plhdr=t&pd_rd_r=c4afea22-0a75-4ce2-a7fb-3f814eb8ffc4&pd_rd_w=NN6CA&pd_rd_wg=Tfqhq&ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_lsi4d_asin_1_img

      1. My fiance uses the black invisibobbles because they’re neutral, stay put, and don’t pull on his hair

   7. I feel like when not in the office, a lot of guys I know tie hair back with a buff or bandana. Kind of a woodsy / hippie vibe.

   8. I bought my husband some of those plain black stretchy cloth headbands. They didn’t work (whose head do they fit on exactly? not mine or his) but they seem popular despite that.

      1. On my head, they just slowly creep backwards until they fall off

   9. The telephone cord bands (in a plain color that matches hair) are what my husband has settled on as a favorite. They’re loose but don’t budge which is good for gym.

   10. My husband has long hair and I am helping him get his curls back (he has damage from long-term illness). He exclusively uses claw clips on my suggestion. Elastics (of any material) rip and snag hair.

   11. I’m a woman with shoulder length hair and I use those Goody mini claw clips for when I want my hair out of my face but not in an updo. I have them stashed in drawers all over the house. What I like about them is I can just pop them in and not have to fuss with them in front of a mirror.

       The mini sized not the full sized. I will comment with a link.

       1. Goody Claw Clip, Mini, 24 Count https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07B36GZ62/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_1AP48M0PDGMA2F8GXHBW?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

   12. I got my husband a buff for christmas that he uses to hold his hair back.

       Next question – his hair always seem so greasy, even after washing it! Is it just a matter of finding the right shampoo and conditioner? His hair is basically the opposite of mine so maybe my stuff that he’s been using just isn’t working for him? His hair is super curly, if any of you curly haired ladies have go to products.

       1. What are the current products that are not working?

   13. Does he like braided styles? Half-updos? I think there’s lot’s of great styles in the Chris Hemsworth Thor kind of wibe.

       https://www.funtouzy.com/hairstyles/braided-hairstyles/cool-braided-hairstyles-for-men/

4. New year, new bedding – I need a new down/down alternative duvet insert that will keep me warm without making me sweat. My current one makes me (but not DH) sweat so much, and I can’t take it any more. I like the plushness of a duvet, so I don’t want to switch to a regular blanket or comforter. Recommendations?

   1. I’d recommend wool rather than down personally but it depends on your climate

      1. Climate is very hot, but we run our A/C year round

         1. I’ve been considering trying Woolino’s wool duvet insert/comforter. I have not bought it though so I can’t speak for quality.

            1. We have a twin-sized woolino one on my preschooler’s bed. While It’s warm and cozy (at least to me when I read to him in bed), I think it feels heavier and stiffer than a down duvet. Like its inert state is a flat blanket…you can’t squish it into pile like you can with a down comforter; only fold it. So tricky to tie into the duvet cover ties. Also, maybe my kiddo runs hot but he does wake up sweaty.

         2. If you’re running your AC, it doesn’t really make sense to also be sleeping under a down duvet. I think you just want a light bedspread.

            1. I have to disagree. I am in Atlanta and sleep under a down duvet all year round because I like the breathability but also the weight. I add a blanket in the winter if it gets cold.

            2. Are you saying you want more weight or less weight? I think of duvets as being less weight but more warmth than a blanket, but a bedspread is a happy medium. I have a nice, soft, light cotton bedspread that I use in the summer and it’s just right for that. Definitely more breathable than a duvet that’s making me overheat and sweat, which is what OP is complaining about.

            3. Thanks, but I don’t want to use a light bedspread as I strongly prefer the fluffiness of the duvet.

            4. Btw, the type of bedspread I’m thinking of is a matelassé cover. Mine is similar in weight to my light down duvet I use for winter, but much cooler.

   2. I just got a nice down alternative blanket for one of my kids at the Company Store.

   3. I use a synthetic summer-weight comforter from Cuddledown year-round.

   4. I have a Wamsutta that is all cotton, both exterior and fill. I use it in a cotton duvet cover. I end up with so much less of the throw-the-blankets-off syndrome.

   5. I haven’t tried it yet, but am thinking about getting a Buffy Breeze for the warmer months, since our down comforter is too warm except in the coldest weather.

      1. I have the Breeze and love it. I think it will work for what the OP is looking for—weight and fluff without too much heat.

   6. I sleep super hot too and also LOVE the feel of down. I currently have the “light” comforter from Pacific Coast Down, but if you have the budget, what really changed my life was getting a Chilipad for under the bedsheet. I swear I’m not a shill on this, but it was seriously life changing for a hot sleeper. It’ll chill you just a couple of degrees enough to not sweat. I can’t feel it under me unless I think about it, and I got one just for my side of the bed. I have not had a single sweaty night since I purchased it 6 months ago.

   7. You want the cloud comforter from Parachute. Light as air, looks great, no insert as it’s a comforter, but not the kind from the 80s.

      1. So I actually have and love an ’80s type light comforter at our beach house. I wanted just what OP describes – a comforter that added weight, but not something that keeps me warm enough for an arctic winter. (I swear everything these days is super warming…or is that just hormones?) I ended up with a cheap store-brand one from wal-mart.

   8. The Company Store is having a sale through tomorrow. I got a new duvet insert and they have several options with different fill amounts.

   9. Check out the reviews from Wirecutter. They address warmth and breathability.

   10. I bought an inexpensive one off Am@zon by searching reviews for “run hot” or “hot sleeper.” Our dog is old and sleeps in the bed with us (deeply spoiled), so there’s no point in getting something really nice.
       The one we ended up with is from the Beckham Hotel Collection. I put it in an all-cotton duvet cover.

   11. Not the most chic option but we have two comforters from Ikea – a lighter one for summer and a heavier one for winter. They are both from the most expensive line they have and we don’t use IKEA duvet covers, but we really like the duvets themselves and they are clearly marked for different levels of warmth. I like down because any synthetic alternative I’ve tried doesn’t breathe the way down does (along with 100% cotton or linen sheets, but I’m a little obsessed with natural fabrics).

   12. I love down duvets, but not if youre sharing with your DH (or boyfriend). When I had a boyfreind, he always passed wind in the duvet, and it just stayed there all night, which was gross because every time you moved in bed you would get that stink. If you can get separate covers, that might help, but with my luck, my boyfriend would be sharing mine and I’d wind up smelling his same stink.

   13. I’m the poster above whose kid has the woolino duvet and am a total bedding connoisseur. Try the “All Season Luxe Down” comforter from OneQuince. We just upgraded to a king bed and got this duvet insert. High quality feeling, but while it advertises as 700 fill power, I think it needs a few more ounces of down. I think it’s comparable to our old queen sized “down blanket” (Pacific Coast Brand…before they cheapened out). But it may be perfect for your AC-ed house.
       FWIW, my husband is a hot a sleeper and thinks the Quince duvet is the perfect weight for year round use here in the PNW. I love super fluffy duvets and want something a little heavier for wintertime use—currently I’ve been adding on a cotton blanket on my side.

5. Going to have to turn down a job I really want today because their health insurance is extortionately expensive. Such a shame.

   1. Have you asked for a higher salary to compensate for it?

      1. +1, this problem should have a workaround!

         1. And yet it does not! Which is why I’m sad.

   2. Could you get a better deal on your state’s marketplace? Or ask for a higher salary?

      1. Not the OP, but the person below with bad benefits. My husband enlisted an insurance broker and I was shocked with how bad the marketplace was. It’s almost all HMO in our area. For him and I to retain our doctors (which I want to as he has a chronic illness that is being well managed and I had a short bout with cancer this past fall and thankfully no chemo so far), it was going to be $2200 a month even before the expensive deductible. It actually was cheaper for me to stick with COBRA ($1600 a month). Either he or I are going to need to change jobs now this year, and I’m truly sad. Those commercials where the person says they are paying $50 a month or whatever are probably for someone making minimum wage with a plan with extremely limited access to care, high copays and high deductibles. I make 80K, so a medium to high wage in my geographic area–but it’s also not like I’m rolling in it (not an attorney or anything else with significant growth ops). And asking a small employer to up your salary by one-fourth just isn’t going to happen in most instances. I only mention this because my entire career (I’m an old–so 20 years or so), I’ve worked for companies with decent benefits and never truly appreciated it (and rarely needed them). Do your homework with any offer. My company offers a Blue Cross Blue Shield plan at $800 a month and a high but reasonable deductible and so I thought that would be totally fine-but discovered literally none of the hospitals near me much less doctors accept that particular plan. (The downside of an otherwise wonderful gig of fully remote work with an out-of-state company.) There are some things you just can’t negotiate your way out of sadly.

   3. Yes, of course, I did ask for a higher salary, and they said no because it would put me out of alignment with the rest of their staff.

   4. Just want to say you are doing the right thing. I’m in a job I love but I’ll have to leave because the benefits suck. If salary goes up too high you price yourself out of opportunities, and if you are somewhere like I am the benefits are so expensive (and bad) because the employer is small so hands are sort of tied. I wish I hadn’t wasted my time because I love my coworkers and boss and I could have been building elsewhere this time.

   5. Sorry – this really stinks. Please ensure they have this feedback when you turn down the role. My company was in a similar position recently (very high employee cost sharing) and after several great candidates turned us down and gave us this feedback (in addition to employees complaining), it was the final push to improve our benefits.

   6. You’re making the right choice. I took a similar job this fall, then immediately had three major health crises in a row. I met my deductible before I could blink, but the coinsurance is killing me. I’m down 12k for 2021, and now the deductible just reset.

      I didn’t realize how bad the insurance was because their intro documents were very deceptive. If I’d known what I do now, I would have declined.

   7. I’m sorry. I turned down an opportunity several years ago because the benefits were so bad. The company had Shocked Pikachu Face like they didn’t realize people actually do care about the quality of benefits. Bad health insurance (along with crappy retirement plan options) significantly affect people’s financial health and overall well-being.

6. I need a simple gold chain necklace to hang a small pendant on. Probably around 18”. When I’ve tried to buy something like this in the past the gold ends up wearing off so I suspect I need to spend more. Any thoughts on the best place to buy something like this with a budget around $100?

   1. You need real gold, not gold vermeil which is what you have been buying if it is wearing off. Unfortunately $100 is not a reasonable budget.

   2. Gold shouldn’t wear off. You need to look for something that is actually gold (at least 14K) vs. gold-plated. I think you will likely need to spend more than $100 if you want it to be gold and last (prob. around $300), but you may be able to find something in a vintage store or on ebay (with all the usual caveats).

   3. Catbird has a few selections around this price point (slightly > 100). I have work their plain gold chain (20” but adjustable to 18”, I believe) daily (shower/workout included) for over a year with no color issue. V happy with it and will repurchased when the time does come.

   4. OP here, thank you to both above. I’m willing to go up in budget to get actual gold. Any thoughts on the best place to buy something like this?

      1. I think it’s better to go in person. But solid options online too. I have a thin gold chain from Fortunoff (they still have an online presence if you google Fortunoff Jewelry) that is going strong on maybe 20 years now?.

      2. I know people don’t like to recommend it but there are options on Amazon. Just search 18” 14k and they’ll come up.

         I got one from there when I needed the same thing and it has held up fine.

      3. Not sure where you live, but if there is a large Indian population in your city, any of the jewelry shops there would be perfect for this. They have a variety of styles and you could get to look/touch the necklaces in person.

   5. I bought something like what you’re describing at Rio Grande dot com a few years ago for about $150. They’re mostly a supplier to jewelry professionals, but if you make an account, you should be able to purchase.

7. Can the lawyers here explain how Elizabeth Holmes was acquitted of the “fraud against consumers” charges but was convicted of some(?) of the “fraud against investors” charges? I figured that we consumers trust that tests will be valid (the HCG one really resonated with me on the Dropout podcast), but I do get the defense’s argument that investors are sophisticated and should know that SV types are just hucksters and engage in puffery. I figured it would have been the opposite result.

   1. Because jurors are just people.

   2. I half listened to The Dropout podcast which covered the evidence and two thoughts came to my mind. One, the patient evidence just didn’t seem as strong, and two, I wonder if jurors thought intent to defraud patients in particular was lacking.

   3. Did she owe the same duty to both? Probably not? (Caveat: I have zero interest in this trial and known literally next to nothing about it).

      1. I feel like you provide documents to investors that they probably don’t bother to read but could. IDK what warning you get with a test (like that COVID test I just took). If the test is gimpy or prone to shocking error rates, I’m not sure you could get away with not disclosing that (but maybe you can now). Caveat tester!

         1. Gimpy is a slur

            1. Good grief everything is now

            2. Come on, this one is obvious.

            3. Also, when we know better we do better so it’s good to have it pointed out.

            4. Hey, different anon and it wasn’t obvious to me. Gimpy just means uneven in my world. How is it a slur? (Ie a cheap dress can have a gimpy hem)

            5. To Anon at 12:12 — Because it’s using the word “gimp,” which is a slur aimed at someone who is disabled.

               Not aimed at Anon at 12:12 who I assume wanted to learn — Just because you don’t agree that a word is offensive, why fight to keep using it after you learn that it hurts others and there are lots of words that mean the same thing but aren’t hurtful?

            6. Honestly, as someone with a disability, I have conflicted feelings about this. I generally err on the side of not saying things that hurt people and avoid words like this, but when it comes to things like this, I also take issue with the idea that words like gimpy or crazy are slurs because it reinforces the stigma around disabilities. Why should it be assumed that it’s a bad thing to be gimpy or that people with mental illnesses are crazy?

   4. Apparently, the government only called three patient witnesses to the stand. I’m trying to find exactly what Holmes was charged with (ie which statutes) and am not finding much.

      1. I think Elizabeth Holmes was convicted b/c she was young and pretty, and the women in the jury probably were jealous of her. The men on the jury probably were the ones helping to get her off on some of the charges as well as helping to deadlock others. I know that being pretty never helps you when you get the stink-eye from women who are unattractive. While Holmes was probably no innocent angel, I think she could have gotten off entirely if there were more male jurors.

      2. I thought I heard something about them trying to call another patient, but the government failed to plead it correctly and was barred from introducing evidence as to that particular claim. But I might not be remembering that right.
         Here’s a link that explains the charges: https://www.justice.gov/usao-ndca/us-v-elizabeth-holmes-et-al

   5. My experience with juries (on the civil side) has been they are a total crapshoot, to the point that we would have ended up with a result that made an equal amount of sense if we had just flipped a coin. When we have polled juries after a case, they have described focusing on some of the **strangest** things that neither side focused on much and both agreed didn’t actually have much bearing on the case. It seriously feels like we may as well just flip a coin to decide the outcome as send it to a jury.

      1. +1, and especially on technical matters. We have about a 50% chance of the judge understanding the technical issue – much lower odds with the jury. (I’m a technical expert witness)

8. I’m feeling really down and lost right now and I guess I’m just looking for encouragement. I’m single, live alone, mid-30s, and wfh since the pandemic started. I can’t believe I’ve been living this way (so alone) for two years. Seeing friends get married, buy houses, have kids, get promoted, etc. over the last two years while my life has stayed in exactly the same place is destroying me. I’ve lost so many friends as their lives have moved into different stages and the friends I have left I don’t see very often because of the pandemic and because we live in different parts of an expansive city. I’ve been in therapy for the past year but it’s not really helping. How are other people in a similar situation still doing this?

   1. I’m younger than you – coming up to 28 – but otherwise could have written a lot of this.

      I’m moving to a different part of the country (about 400 miles) this year. I can take my job with me, luckily, and it’s much closer to my parents as well as being the city I went to university in. I realised that all the parameters that led me to choose to live in my current city have been removed (most noticeably that we are never going back to being in the office five days a week) and I was tired of being so far from home. Additionally the dating pool where I am was not at all promising and I’m hoping there are more of my kind of guys where I’m moving to (in particular I seem to have a thing for engineers and there are tons of them there due to historic naval bases, haha!).

      I’m planning to move into a building with a gym and a coworking space, which should really help with feeling embedded into the community, plus I have a lot of friends in the area from university.

      It’s a big change and one I’m very lucky to be able to make.

      1. I’m the same age and moved back to the same type of city – closer to my parents, where I went to university – about a year ago and its gone pretty well. Dating here is rough, but I love my apartment and living in it and decorating it, and between friends and family I feel comfortable and like I can socialize a lot.

         1. Cannot express enough how much happier I am now that I moved back to my home city. When I moved back if felt like I didn’t know a ton of people but I found it so easy to make friends through the few people I did know. I love being closer to family. The vibe of my home city is much more my style than DC was. While my new job was lateral it the new city is way cheaper than DC and it ended up setting me up really well for my next step. And, when I (hopefully) find someone to settle down with, they’re already also in the area I want to be in.

      2. Im older, but in the same situation. No decent males or prospects for marrage. Men just want immediate gratification for their s-xueal needs, and could not care whether we get anything out of it at all (other than mabye the need to get a fresh set of sheets afterward). I am tired of men coming in, doing their busness, then leaving without any kind of cuddling whatsoever after they’ve had their way with our bodies. That is just wrong. But in this new year, I am not going to subject myself to that kind of treatment, and will do without men like this unless we are getting married.

   2. It sounds like you need something in your life that gives you more control over the outcome and a feeling of progressing at something. Could that be a hobby? A volunteer opportunity? A new exercise routine? That won’t solve everything, but every bit of momentum helps you feel less stuck in your own life. And, I know it’s easier said than done, but I would spend serious effort rebuilding your social networks, even if that’s with an entirely new group of people. Do you want to stay in your current city, or would you be happier elsewhere?

   3. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a similar situation. It’s really frustrating to feel stuck like this, with no easy solution, and no end in sight. I’m rooting for you (and anyone else in this situation). I tried therapy for a bit as well, but for me it wasn’t helpful either and I couldn’t justify the expense (I only get some sessions through benefits). Truthfully, I’m keeping expectations low, and just trying to make it through the winter. I hope spring will bring some relief.

   4. I’m also single, live alone, early (almost mid haha) 30s, and wfh since the pandemic. I live only a few minutes from my parents and have been able to continue seeing them and some other people as part of some arts activities I’m involved in, but I think if it hadn’t been for my cat I would have gone completely stir crazy. She is my little companion and she has kept me going through the pandemic. If you don’t already have a pet, maybe that would be something to consider.

      You say that your life is staying in exactly the same place, so the question is where do you want your life to go? Or maybe your life IS moving and evolving, but you don’t recognize it because it isn’t following the marriage-house-babies path that society lays out for us. Social media can make me feel like I’m stagnant or behind (because marriage-house-babies!), but then I remember that I don’t think I even want kids, I’m back in grad school to make a career change that I’m really excited about, and I have every reason to be proud of myself for my accomplishments.

      I think society doesn’t generally celebrate single women, so sometimes we have to celebrate ourselves. Can you think of something you’ve accomplished, even something really small, over the last two years to celebrate? What is something you would like to accomplish this year?

      From one single lady to another, I’m sending you all the good vibes today <3

   5. I was you. It’s a hard time of life. What helped me was finding a couple of similarly situated girlfriends to see weekly for brunch or dinners out. Also kept dating, even though it seemed impossible to meet my person. Eventually I did. It’s hard though because there’s a lot of luck involved, plus effort. I also leaned into things I was interested in – learned interior design and had a great time making my place exactly what I wanted it to be.

      1. A bit off topic, but how did you learn interior design? I LOVE scrolling through cute rooms on Instagram or Pinterest, but when it comes time to designing my own spaces I’ve always felt like I just did not have “the eye” to pull things together. Did you watch YouTube videos? Read books?

         1. I took classes at my local university extension! It was so much fun and now I do it informally for friends all the time.

            1. Oh now a days there are so many more resources, online etc!

   6. I have gone back and forth on whether to post in response because I don’t want to come off as condescending or minimizing your feelings. Your feelings are valid! That said, only you can control and influence your feelings.

      I am in my early 40s and the perpetual single person of all of my close friend groups. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have experienced the same changes in friendships that you are experiencing – people getting married, having babies, etc. Those relationships have changed, absolutely, but I also have worked hard and, at times, asked my friends to work at them too. It’s exhausting and frustrating some times, sure, but I know that a constant in life is change and I can choose to fight it or I can choose to roll with it and do what I can to make the change work for me. I took steps back from friendships and cultivated other parts of my life when the relationship changed in a way that was no longer beneficial for me and then came back to them when it was right to do so. My true friendships have become stronger as a result.

      For life generally, I wax and wane. Sometimes, I keep a super full schedule with lots of hobbies and sometimes I don’t. I have learned to very much enjoy my own company over the years. Does that mean I am never lonely? Absolutely not! I am lonely at times, but I lean into it, feel my feelings, and realize that such a feeling will also pass. I very very very much live by the idea that I am the only one who can control my life and how I feel about it. Am I perfect at it? Of course not. But over time, I have really gotten good at living in the moment, enjoying what I do have, recognizing what I don’t have but want and taking concrete steps to get my wants taken care of, but all the while making sure that I don’t beat myself up for any of it. Some days will be great! Some days won’t. I have accepted this and I am at peace with it.

      It’s annoyingly true that only you can make what you want of your life. It’s also annoyingly true that humans need companionship and many other things that can be hard to “make” on your own. It’s also annoying that this stranger is going to tell you that you just have to keep on keeping on and work to identify the changes that you can make to help yourself get through the rough patches and enjoying the bright patches. It won’t always be a perfect “fix” and you’ll have bad days and good days, but you can make your life fun, enjoyable, fulfilling, etc., while your friends also do the same with theirs. HUGS.

   7. I had to shift my mindset. I was waiting for life to happen TO me; I’ve decided to make life happen FOR me. For me, it’s been helpful to have some fun activity planned every weekend (I have old lady habits, so mine are things like visit this state historical site on this special theme weekend, go to this once-a-year antiques fair, that kind of thing) and do something little that I enjoy, like walking on a local nature trail and trying out new cookie recipes. And becoming more involved in my faith tradition, which comforts me.

   8. I’m in a similar situation as you, and same age too. Honestly, I went back to the office as soon as they opened last year just to make sure I retained the skill to talk to people in person.
      The last two years have put a lot of my life on hold – dating in particular – while a lot of my friends were having their second kids or moving to larger homes to accommodate their new working arrangements and families.

      Not much encouragement here, just empathizing with you that it’s tough right now because of the dang pandemic. When it’s warmer I have a whole bunch of social plans and fitness classes I want to do, but the next 3-4mo are gonna be another slog.

   9. I hear you on the loss of friends. There are days it is unbearably hard, and it does not seem like the situation will improve until I’m elderly and can join a 55+ community (I’m 34, so that’s a long ways off).

      But I think there is one real opportunity you have (if you want it): you can short term WFH anywhere for a couple weeks. Where have you always wanted to go? Hawaii? Puerto Rico? Miami? Santa Fe? Anchorage? Portland (either of them)? Pick a place and go! You can explore during your off-work hours. It won’t change your situation, but you may find that your life is richer for it.

      1. This is a great idea. I wish my company didn’t restrict our WFH location to a certain radius around the office.

   10. I can relate. Mid 30’s, casually dating, not too many friends within an hour drive. I took covid as the perfect time to focus on my hobbies, interests and communicating more with my family. I started running and ran my first half marathon in 2021. I try to speak to my family once a week and invited my few local friends for outdoor drinks. Are there any running groups you can join or something along those lines? I also did a ton of outdoor yoga and hiking when the weather was nice and traveled solo pre-covid. Like others have said, you can only focus on what you can control and make changes that are possible/realistic.

   11. Honestly?

       A happy light.
       Exercise. A walk in the sunlight is exercise.
       Effexor!

9. just a friendly reminder to everyone out there that childcare and eldercare and any other caregiving issues due to covid have not been magically resolved now that it is 2022 and many of your colleagues have had and continue to have no break and might be starting the new year on a tight fuse. please be patient with us.

   1. Did something happen to you personally that left you feeling angry or sad or needing comfort? You can tell us about it.

      1. You mean this? https://time.com/6130454/covid-vaccine-kids-under-5/
         This is all of us with kids too young to be vaccinated.

10. I had a long, fairly restful holiday break and yet I am super resentful I am back and have to work for money. That sounds awful. I used to be an overachiever, but that was long ago. Honestly trying to get my life right to take a less stressful but less well paying job. No, no question here, I guess I’m just looking for commiseration on the struggle bus the second workday of 2022.

    1. Hi! Same same. I want to care about my job . . . but I just don’t. I’m not stressed at all fortunately, I just do not care about the work I have to do. I will do it, but man is it a struggle to get the energy and motivation together to accomplish anything.

       1. +1 same, same, same.

          1. Yep +1. I just feel like I can’t do it.

       2. same. I used to be ambitious, but now I just want to coast as I pay down debt and build my savings.

    2. I’m right there with you. A break over the holidays helped but I still feel unmotivated and like this is all a real slog. I have work to do and zero energy to do it.

    3. Same, so much. Trying to retire early, but that’s six years (at least) away. I am just so done.

    4. Thiiiiiis! I don’t care either. Company woman I am not anymore. I used to throw myself at the problems and landmines, but nope. Not worth it anymore. I get paid well in a fairly low stress job compared to others. However I don’t feel anything joyous or exciting about my job. Nor am I seeing where there are growth opportunities for me even if I do try to lean back in. My manager is….not helpful.

       1. This is where I am at. I feel very stuck. I sort of need the flexibility my current job affords, but I am so over dealing with these types of problems.

    5. Same. My resolution is to phone it in at work for the next three months.

    6. Not that I like that others are miserable, but I am glad to see someone post this today as I have talked myself into a very dark mood over something that’s pretty ridiculous: I am mad that I have to have a job. I don’t mind the job I have right now; it’s fine. I just don’t want to work any more. I want to sleep in and get up and make a late breakfast and then walk my dogs and then maybe read a book, and then take a nap and get up and make dinner and watch a movie and go to bed late. Repeat until death. And I am upset and cranky and resentful that’s not my life, even though in reality I would probably be sick of that after six weeks, and desperately feel like I needed some kind of purpose or meaning. It doesn’t help that one of my friends in her mid-fifties got an unexpected, truly great offer from someone to buy her business and she is going to sell and retire at the end of the first quarter. Meantime, I am in my mid-40s so even early retirement is a good ten years away. Blech. Somehow we will muddle through but I’m going to buy some lottery tickets this weekend, even false hope is better than no hope.

       1. +1 – oh I could have written this and feel so seen right now!

       2. OP here and yes this is what I’m feeling but you put it better.

       3. You, like me, are probably in a funk b/c you, like me, did nothing exciting over New Year’s Eve while others, even confined by COVID, managed to have a good time. I played Scrabble this year with Myrna and watched Netflix and had a Pinot Griggio at midnite, but that’s a far cry from the kind of wild excesses I’ve had before COVID where men were constantly grabbing at my boobies and tuchus in bars and offering me all kinds of things if I’d just go out back or home with them, even tho I knew they only wanted for me to pull down my panties for them for a quickie.

          Now that I’m older and not getting men to look at me much, I almost think I’d be better off had I done that stuff years ago. I don’t think men want us much once we start showing our age, even tho they are getting gross as they age themselves. I think that we just have to wait it out because there is a Mister Rite for all of us who will sweep us off our feet and let us relax around the house while they work all day, and at the end of the day, he’ll come home and we will have great s-x and eat Canapes while we stream a movie before we go to bed later.

       4. ALLLLLL of this

       5. Amen. I was literally just thinking this morning how I wish that I didn’t have to fire up my work computer and that I could just enjoy my morning coffee with a book on the couch!

    7. I was an overachiever until COVID. I suffered from so much fatigue and burnout that I finally quit at the end of 2021 and start a new, much less stressful job this week. You’re not alone.

       1. I did the same thing!

    8. Yeah, I’m feeling dead end myself. 13th (!) year, 45 yr old biglaw associate (I’m a specialist, that’s why I’m employed). Never going to get hired for in-house bc I’m too experienced and probably bc of my age. Also, my firm is terrible about getting associates jobs at clients. Not going to make partner. Not likely going to make counsel. Eventually will probably get laid off in next 3-5 yrs. I’ll feel better when a good project comes my way, but just had two big deal close in Dec, so current workload is blah.

       My dream job right now would be in-house in a particular industry at a middle level where I could contribute but not take tons of responsibility. I have a secondment under my belt in that industry, so I’m not uninformed about what that job would actually be like.

    9. Same. I’m in my early 40s, but barely back on my feet after years of stringing together retail and waitressing jobs. My retirement accounts are in shambles, and my dream of retiring early is dust. I’m so angry to think of the decades of work ahead of me despite my age.

       1. Oof, same.

    10. + infinity

11. Happy New Year! Thanks to all that helped me decipher my performance review. I have since interviewed and received an offer. I took the offer and am just waiting for bonus to pay out and for conflicts to clear.
    However, I am feeling really guilty over leaving. The partners I worked with checked in with me during the holidays and asked that I take time off – I can’t really with two kids under 5 that cannot be vaxxed. They are nice people, which I know is rare in biglaws. Rationally I know the structural issues will still be there – no juniors/support but I feel so guilty that I will be leaving the group that I have become invested in… Also scared that I would be losing all the goodwill that I have built over the years and the new firm will be an unknown beast.

    Last night I even had a dream where I went and took back the acceptance. I guess, talk me off the cliff?

    1. Well, what did we say about your performance review?

       1. You all said that the partner was just stringing me along when she told me there would be value in being a senior associate and that I would not be made partner until 2023. They would also promote a different associate in my class year in 2022 “because he is homegrown”.

          1. What!!! “Homegrown?” What does that even mean?! I wish I had send this original thread.

             1. Started with the firm out of law school. It’s very common for there to be a preference for this category.

    2. Take time off! Just because you can’t do crazy travel doesn’t mean you don’t need time off, especially if you have little kids at home. I don’t know anything about the rest of your situation, but this type of false choice thinking indicates that you’re not thinking clearly about things. Please take care of yourself, and try to get yourself in a better place.

       1. Thank you!! Sadly staycation is not relaxing at this stage. I am still breastfeeding so getting up 2 times a night. Also the kids are up by 7:15 anyway. We also have a tiny house so there isn’t anywhere that I can hide even with childcare… Plus it’s cold and snowy here… :(

          1. I’m assuming you have a nanny or something in your home so this may not be an option – but if your kids are in child care while you work, I fully and completely endorse taking them to daycare and taking some mom time off in addition to work time off.

          2. Yeah that makes zero sense. It’s still more relaxing to be not working.

          3. Even if you have a nanny, can’t you shut yourself in your bedroom and be out of sight, out of mind?

          4. Okay, no need to be a martyr.

       2. OP, I totally understand – I am in biglaw, have two kids at home and only one old enough to be vaxxed, and hadn’t had a break in over two years. Everything is either work or parenting, 24/7. Plus worry about covid risk. It’s not sustainable. I totally felt the way you did – that without travel it’s not a vacation. My job really contributes to that – it’s very hard to justify taking the time off when you are still physically near your “office” (I’m still wfh) and in my job, even “real” vacations often come with some work. All I want is to disappear to a remote tropical island and have no one ask me for anything for three days. Maybe my spouse can come with…maybe. But that’s not in the cards right now. BUT I did however take some days off, with childcare, over the holidays and it really did help. I napped. Got a (masked) massage. Did some household stuff (closet clean out) but not too much. Cooked something I’d wanted to make but didn’t have time. Read a novel. Just enjoyed not being responsible for anyone but myself. Luckily work was slow so I was able to feel a bit of stress relief that way too. So try it just for a day. Take them up on the offer and offload and reschedule so no one bothers you. It will help – don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good. Solidarity, sister!

    3. “The partners I worked with checked in with me during the holidays and asked that I take time off – I can’t really with two kids under 5 that cannot be vaxxed.“

       Huh? This doesn’t make sense.

       1. OP thinks “taking time off” means traveling for a vacation.

          1. Even that is a silly statement. I have a 3 year old and we’ve been *extremely* cautious and we still take vacations. Driving and staying in an Airbnb carries virtually no risk.

12. Looking for headphones with a microphone for diligence calls where I have to do a lot of typing as I ask questions. I’ve been using airpods but have gotten feedback that my typing sound is very noticable, so I know I need to get some sort of over ear/microphone by face setup. Does anyone have headphones they love that minimize the typing background noise? TIA!

    1. The better fix is a quiet keyboard. Any decent ear phones will pick up the noise but they make quiet keyboards.

       1. +1 or mute yourself

    2. I have a Jabra pro wireless headset thingy with dock that works quite well. It’s a bit older – the 9400 series. Probably overkill for normal WFH, this is from my office days when it was connected to both an enterprise telephone system and a computer. It’s like a fancy call center headset. I wouldn’t work without it – sound quality is outstanding, so comfortable, doesn’t pick up typing, etc. I’m surprised more lawyers don’t have something like this. I suspect it is because many have an office with a door (we do not – yay public sector).

       1. I also have a Jabra (evolve2 40 in my case) and the boom arm for the microphone makes a big difference – no one hears me typing! I went with a wired version so I would never have to think about charging/connectivity.

13. Is anyone else with chronic low-grade ENT issues thinking about WFH so you don’t keep freaking people out that you have COVID? I have allergies and a chronic sinus condition, so I am always gunky and going through tissues. I’ve always masked and have had my shots. But I am tired of the death stares. Not sure if I should act like an NBA player and test daily (if I could only get a test or get tested w/o waiting in line for 4 hours). Wear a placard? A part of me gets “stay home,” but at this point I’d have been at home for 2ish years, during which I haven’t not actually gotten COVID (yet; I’m sure it’s coming).

    1. This is me. Luckily I’m WFH and anyone who knows me knows that my nose has been running for decades and I often have a cough, but it’s very awkward and really does result in me avoiding being in public these days. It’s also just a pain to deal with my runny nose when wearing a mask and the fact that I’m constantly needing to touch my face to wipe my nose and rub my itchy eyes makes me feel like I’m more likely to pick up a virus, even with frequent hand sanitizing.

    2. I’ve told my team that I have asthma and severe dust allergies. Our building is also pretty dusty. It’s not harmful to my health, and I also don’t have a runny nose, just sneeze occasionally. In normal times I would think thats TMI about health issues, but I want to strike that balance between making people comfortable and also not ostracizing myself.

       On a selfish note, I’ve had these health issues every year, including that I have a dry couch for weeks after any illness, and never gotten any sympathy for that. I’ve gotten lots of useless or rude remarks though. So now that its the other situation I’m only willing to cater to people to a certain extent.

    3. My mom takes a medication that causes a non-productive coughing side effect so I get the hassle. I would probably just say that you have some non-contagious health things if anyone confronts you and ignore everyone else.

    4. I would take any excuse to WFH now unless you want to catch Omicron.

       1. We’re all going to catch omicron.

    5. I’m staying WFH for now (not interested in getting long COVID from a breakthrough infection). But I saw a good ENT and (since it was relevant for me) an immunologist, and the combination of better medical management and less exposure to allergens has really improved my symptoms. I am not sure if I’ll be able to keep it up post-pandemic, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

    6. Honestly, I think the rest of us need to chill a bit and realize not every cough, sneeze, or sniffle is COVID.

       I was sneezing a bunch the other day, then I realized that a tube in my vacuum had disconnected so I was basically vacuuming dust right into my face. Not my brightest moment, but not COVID.

    7. This is me. I solve this by providing a little too much info to the people who hear me in the office the most. I’ve got a chronic condition that causes me to clear my throat/cough a bit (GERD), plus I’m on another medication that has chronic unproductive cough as a side effect (it’s the least terrible of the options for me), PLUS I have a mold and dust allergy. I’m just lovely. I try to give just a little TMI to clarify, but also, make it clear that when I *am* sick, I will stay home and be sick there–I think that walk the walk/talk the talk helps reinforce a bit.

14. What are some of your favorite winter weather clothing? I also made a post on this in the moms forum for kids, but looking for ideas for myself too. I am refusing to spend this winter in the house. Live in NYC burb so we get quite a few 30 degree days. So far I have go the Athleta Ranier tights (highly recommend), UGG boots, and a really warm jacket, hat/gloves, but I run cold.

    1. Add long underwear

    2. I love merino wool and a fleece-lined hat.

    3. Uniqlo Ultra Warm coat! I adore it.

    4. The Rainier tights are awesome! My other favorites are a pair of fleece-lined pants from Eddie Bauer. A good coat. Smartwool socks, the padded ones, forever and ever. I live in them until April. If I’m just at home, I wear all the quarter-zip fleece pullovers. I find them warmer and more comfortable than sweaters. I have various versions from EB, Columbia, and North Face.

    5. Silk long underwear (nine are from Land’s End)—these are thin and slippery but add so much warmth. Because of the texture and weight, these don’t “grab” onto outer layers and add negligible bulk.

       1. +1, mine are from REI.

    6. I’d suggest getting a waterproof boot with a better tred, I can’t tell you how many girls I saw in the early aughts wipe out in Boston on icy days with uggs. I’m c/40surrently wearing the athleta apres down joggers and a Patagonia R1 baselayer with smartwool socks because it is COLD and the ‘warm’ weather (30s/40s) over christmas break spoiled me.
       I’d get a few pairs of wool socks, some good baselayer tops/pants and a windproof/waterproof jacket/pants for truly cold and wet days. We live in MA so I tend to scoop up pricy brands at the end of season sales (if you’re in a ski town in March/April you will likely get some amazing bargains as they try to close out their stick). If you’re not looking to spend a fortune places like Uniqlo and Dicks sporting goods are where I’d start.

    7. If you’re walking/hiking, a snow bib or Carhartt coveralls. You can’t really run in them but they’re pretty warm.
       I have a pair of Ugg sheepskin insoles I put in my bog boots for extra insulation.

    8. A cheap headband/ear cover thing I got from Amazon that is so much better than a hat for keeping my ears warm! And a thin merino wool neck tube thingy that works well for keeping my neck warm when I don’t want to bother with a scarf.

       I also find that if I wear a camisole (again, cheap things that are years old, from Kohls or Target) under a shirt and then outerwear, that extra layer on my torso does a lot to keep me warm.

       I have wool blend socks from Costco that I like a lot for keeping my feet warm. Sadly, as the years have gone by, the wool content has gotten lower and lower, but they’re still pretty good.

       1. +1 to the costco wool blend socks

       2. +1 to an earband. I discovered that hats kinda drive me nuts not fitting right, but I get SUPER cranky if my ears get cold from wind. I’m such a baby about it I wear an earband even when it’s not that cold out. So earbands are my #1 winter accessory.

          1. Same same same. I’m so much more willing to go and stay outside if my ears are covered!

          2. I don’t know about you, but my ears actually hurt if they get too cold. I bought a hat while on vacation because my ears were going to be cold for maybe 3 hours. It has jackalopes on it, so win-win :)

    9. Layers are key for cold-weather outdoor activities. For winter dog-walking I put leggings under warm-up pants such as the Lululemon Dance Studio pants. And get real snowboots that lace up and have a good tread, or at least waterproof hiking boots. Uggs are just slippers.

    10. Uniqlo heattech leggings, shirts, and socks. Long down jacket that keeps your butt and thighs warm.
        Scarves make a big difference too – keep your jacket/hood close to you and prevent any air from getting in.
        Good gloves in every jacket
        I also run cold and the most important thing is not getting cold in the first place.
        Also the handwarmers can help. Activate them (shake them around) and then put them between 2 layers of clothing in a largish space anywhere, such as pockets, shoes, or down your sweater. They take a little while to warm up so don’t be discouraged if its not immediately warm.
        I’ve lived in NYC suburbs and in Chicago and similarly refuse to get stuck inside, and I find that with the right clothes that’s not an issue.

        Today I walked to the gym in 21F weather at 7am this morning wearing –
        Uniqlo heattech leggings, normal long sleeve shirt, yoga pants, sweater, Patagonia long jacket, wool scarf, touch screen gloves. Thick wool socks and Timberlands.

        I used to go running in the winter in Chicago in literally any temperature wearing Heattech leggings, Heattech shirt, leggings/pants, running jacket, headband that covered my ears, a scarf, and gloves. Sneakers and either wool or heattech socks.

        1. Try rechargeable hand warmers. I swear by them.

    11. Really depends on how cold (40°, 20°, 0°), how wet it is, and what activity you’re doing.

    12. Also I layer my Uniqlo ultralight down vest over (or sometimes under) everything in the winter.

    13. Uniqlo heattech socks! I can’t wear wool (skin sensitivities) so these socks have been a lifesaver for me

    14. * Women’s Primaloft ThermaStretch Fleece Pocket Tights from LLBean
        * IceBugs boots (with the metal cleats)
        * Lands End Women’s Squall Waterproof Insulated Winter Stadium Coat with Hood

        These, plus a few of those chemical hand/foot warmer packets, gloves, and a wool hat, let me walk outside even when it is below zero here in Minnesota.

15. OK, a new year’s goal of mine is to get my digital photos in order, pulled from the millions of places they’re currently sitting in, and organize them all in one place. What does everyone use for that?

    1. Google photos.

       1. +1 I also back it up to OneDrive but only because it’s easy. But Google Photos is much easier to work with.

    2. Dropbox

    3. I’ve been using Slidebox to organise photos on my phone, mostly just pulling favourites for the photobook I’m going to do (meant to do 1 each year, kiddo will turn 5 this summer and I’ve done zero).

    4. External backup drives. I don’t trust online cloud services.

    5. Google photos and a solid state external hard drive. Back up everything to both locations and you’re covered.

    6. iCloud. I use my laptop to put them all in folders within iPhoto if pulling in from other places.

    7. External backup drive. I have grand plans to do an actual, physical photo album for each year, but so far that hasn’t happened (I do make ones for major trips)

16. Seeking advice on how to deal with home buying when DH and I have very different ideas about how much to spend/how to pay for it. In a nutshell, DH does not want to sell our current home, and instead wants to rent it out. He also does not want to dip into our savings for a downpayment and wants to pay a downpayment of 5%. A 5% downpayment comes with PMI, which means we have to factor PMI into the price, lowering how much house we can afford. This is all bonkers to me. I want to sell our house and pay 20% down, and use the money we’d spend on PMI on more house. What it comes down to is our savings is like a safety blanket to him and he would rather pay a fee for the privilege of taking a giant loan than deplete it. He also likes to use some of that money for investments. We have argued so much about it, I’m exhausted and frustrated, and he won’t budge. Most likely I will cave and do things his way, but wanted to hear some anonymous thoughts on the situation.

    1. Talk to a financial advisor and a marriage counselor and don’t move anywhere until you resolve his controlling anxiety

    2. Is there a middle ground?

       With a rental property, you don’t want to be underwater on the cash flows. Will you be? And you need reserves for the new roof, etc. But otherwise, can any cash flow beyond reserves go to New House?

       And 5% seems low — if it’s because you’re otherwise illiquid, I think that’s problematic. If it’s just the minimum to get in and you could fund repairs to both houses, maybe I’d be OK with that.

       I always put the minimum down and went with an 80-15 first/second on one house to avoid PMI. But the biggest thing is being asset-rich and house-poor. You want to stay away from that. You want a big *cash* cushion so this doesn’t crash and burn on you.

    3. If you can’t agree on how to handle a new home purchase, stay put.

    4. Why does he want to rent out the current place?

       What size house do you need? Why are you moving if you’re not upgrading?

       I’m generally of the belief that if you can only put 5% down, you cannot actually afford it. There are exceptions, but I question whether or not this is an affordable way to live. Even if the money is in the bank, he doesn’t want to spend it, so I question what happens when you need a new roof or the tenants trash your current place.

       It sounds like your husband wants to keep things – keep the first house, keep money in the bank – out of a sense of security. He sounds smart enough to make up a reason for it to sound rational, but this isn’t rational.

       1. ding ding ding! This:

          It sounds like your husband wants to keep things – keep the first house, keep money in the bank – out of a sense of security. He sounds smart enough to make up a reason for it to sound rational, but this isn’t rational.

          Is the answer here. Is there a reason he’s having a hard time letting go of your current house? I think you have to get to the root of that before making any other decisions.

       2. Has he seen Pacific Heights? It’s an oldie, but a very good movie re potential landlord – tenant drama with amateur landlords and a house you love.

          Signed,
          Did just this and then 2008 happened; you don’t want that sort of white-knuckle living; at some point, interest rates will rise and you won’t be as able to offload our current house

          1. YUP. +1 to the numbers not working and tenants trashing the house and being upside down and what a holy disaster… See if your husband really knows what he’s getting into with the rental idea.

       3. I’m sorry but saying if you can only put 5% down means you can’t afford the home is such a ridiculous rich person take. By the time your average middle income earner gets to 10, 15, 20% the prices of homes have gone up by a significant amount, the goal post moves, and now they have to save more down payment while everything else also gets more expensive. In many markets, it simply makes far more financial sense to pay less down, let that money work for you in the market, while not getting behind on equity and appreciation. For the 95% of the country that doesn’t live in DC, NY, SF, PMI is not very much money (often only a couple hundred dollars or less) a month. If I had waited to buy my home, it would cost 150k more in just the two or three years it took to save up the additional money that is a fraction of that for DP.

          This is a math problem and your math isn’t mathing.

          1. “I’m generally of the belief that if you can only put 5% down, you cannot actually afford it. There are exceptions,”

             My exact words. Stop unloading on me, call your doctor, and adjust your dosage.

    5. Has he done the numbers on the rental? Usually it’s not that profitable, but it all depends. If you can’t come to an agreement though you should just stay put.

    6. I would have both of you talk to a financial advisor. You can get an objective view of the pros and cons and they may be able to help you find a middle path forward or at least introduce some facts and objectivity into the discussion.

       1. +1 to a financial advisor.

       2. A financial advisor, but not an advisor who could manage your money, who might have financial incentives to view options from a personally-motivated lens.

    7. Is he planning on taking care of the first home while it’s a rental? My husband talked me into keeping my first home when we bought together because he thought it would be nice to own a rental property, but now that he realizes how much work it is, he’s come around to selling it.

    8. My advice totally depends on where you are location wise. Generally, a SFH will not be a great investment as a rental, but there are exceptions (again, location). I’m also a fan of keeping “things,” like real estate, if you’re in a market where it will appreciate over time. But many markets aren’t like that and there’s a lot to being a landlord. Also, figure out if encumbering your property with a tenant hurts resale. If you’re not in a position to hold the property no matter what, being in a rent or eviction controlled area could make your place harder to sell if you change your mind. I don’t think your husband is crazy, but there are a lot of factors to consider that perhaps he hasn’t thought of. Other options, sell and buy a duplex or a place with an in-law unit or a commercial space to rent out. Again, know what you’re getting into but perhaps you could find a middle ground.

       1. Zero idea why this is in moderation.

          1. Figured it out, trying again

             My advice totally depends on where you are location wise. Generally, a SFH will not be a great investment as a rental, but there are exceptions (again, location). I’m also a fan of keeping “things,” like real estate, if you’re in a market where it will appreciate over time. But many markets aren’t like that and there’s a lot to being a landlord. Also, figure out if encumbering your property with a tenant hurts resale. If you’re not in a position to hold the property no matter what, being in a rent or eviction contr0l*ed area could make your place harder to sell if you change your mind. I don’t think your husband is crazy, but there are a lot of factors to consider that perhaps he hasn’t thought of. Other options, sell and buy a duplex or a place with an in-law unit or a commercial space to rent out. Again, know what you’re getting into but perhaps you could find a middle ground.

    9. OP here: we are moving because we’re expecting our first child and literally do not have enough space in our current (VERY SMALL) home. We can afford the 20% down payment, but it would obviously be a hit to our savings (though not a complete drain). He likes to have the flexibility of the big cash cushion. Re: the rental, he thinks tenants will pay off the mortgage (we have 14 years left), and then the rent will be passive income. I think this is overestimating, especially considering nothing in our home has been updated in 20(!!) years, like not even wall paint. Ugh.

       1. OP again, ALSO, as I mentioned above nothing has been touched in 20 years, which to me indicates he’s not willing to fix things in the home WHILE WE LIVE IN IT, but thinks he will as a landlord? UGHHH

          1. You married my father, I see.

             Nothing gets fixed or upgraded because there’s never enough money. He passed on some seriously crazy views to me that I have to work to unravel. Like, congrats that you could retire at 50 but you so ticked off every wife you had that you spent more on divorce attorneys than any painter would ever have cost.

          2. I would not take on being a landlord of a house that will probably need emergency repairs (because that’s what happens if you do nothing to a house for 20 years) while also having a newborn.

             I’ve lived in a small, one-bedroom apartment with a newborn and would most definitely take that over a living in large house + landlord responsibilities for a house that needs work + newborn.

    10. So obviously there are bigger issues going on, but I don’t understand the general PMI hate. We put 5% down on a house – with a 300K mortgage our PMI was $60/month. When we refinanced after two years it dropped to $40 and in two more years we won’t owe anything. Sure, it’s money I’m paying for nothing but I’d rather keep $15K in savings at the start and pay an extra few thousand over 6 years. I know FHA PMI is really bad now (terms were fine when I bought my first house in 2009) but are other loan types’ PMI really that bad?

        1. I’ve put down the minimum on all the houses I have bought and I feel the same way about PMI. It’s just not a big deal to me and has never substantially affected what house I can afford and I can well afford these houses (my mortgage payment is 15% of my monthly take home).

        2. Yeah, there is a perfectly valid school of thought that says take the biggest mortgage you can get and don’t tie up all your cash in your house.

           Also, just to give a contrary view re rental property: I kept my house when I married and moved in with my husband, and it’s been a great experience. I hired a realtor to screen tenants and have been quite fortunate to have really good ones. The current tenants have been there for several years and pay like clockwork, and the rent more than covers carrying costs plus maintenance. So there’s that.

           1. I’ve had SA’s experience as a solo landlord, but that is on a house I lived in forever (so fixed its issues) and it’s in an area where houses are rare (vs apartments). I can price the rental low so that tenants are incented to stay (b/c I can still cover my costs) and it’s in a LL-friendly jurisdiction. Still, I keep 6 months cash in reserves b/c it might sit vacant for a while if the tenants move out and I need to fix things and it’s an odd time of year to find tenants and I don’t want to desperately re-tenant with the wrong people. AND I have a huge umbrella policy. Cash reserves are key. If you don’t have that, you need to sell before you buy again.

              1. Agree with all this. I had completely re-done my house (roof, plumbing, you name it) so I know I’m not going to have huge maintenance issues but I keep a big reserve for smaller maintenance issues plus the inevitable vacancies. And yes to the umbrella policy!

           2. Your house is up to date, though, correct? OP’s house hasn’t had any maintenance in 20 years. Our house is similar. It costs us at least $10K in maintenance every year just to keep it from falling apart while we are living in it. To attract any desirable tenants who wouldn’t completely trash the place, we’d have to spend a minimum of $150K renovating it, probably even more now that costs have skyrocketed. Keeping it as a rental property would be a losing proposition.

        3. I don’t hate PMI; my issue is that if you can only put 5% down, you might not be able to afford as much house as you think you can.

           If it’s a strategic decision, that is not the same as not being able to afford more than 5%. 2008 wasn’t that long ago; a lot of people assumed that the prices would just go up, up, up, and they could alway sell at a tidy profit. That’s not reality.

           Maybe I am cynical, but I see all these 22 year olds buying houses with 3% or 5% down. Then comes a baby or two, mom stays at home because it’s best (and her job doesn’t pay enough for daycare to be worth it), and then they are completely in over their heads. The house doesn’t get maintained, retirement doesn’t get funded, children’s college doesn’t get funded, etc. They are assured by their parents and grandparents, who have pensions, that this will all work out.

           1. OP can afford it, though. Her husband just wants to hang on to a bunch of cash AND their old house, when presumably selling the old house would net them a 20% down payment or more.

    11. Have you taken a long, hard look at tenant rights in your area? What happens if your tenants won’t pay/won’t leave/sue you/trash the place? It can work out well if you screen REALLY carefully but it can also be a total nightmare if you get stuck with bad tenants. Plus what if the roof/boiler/pipes go on BOTH the rental and your house – do you have cash reserves to cover both? And who will be in charge of making changes/upgrades/servicing the rental? That is a LOT of extra work and if you pay an agency to do it I bet you’ll eat up almost all of your ‘profit’.

    12. For me, what would stand out in his plan is becoming a landlord of your current home, rather than selling it. If he wants the two of you to become residential landlords, he should not do that without a very clear understanding of those responsibilities and the financial burden it can entail. I know some people rent out homes and have a lot of success with it, but I’ve also heard too many horror stories to ever want to do it myself (including friends of ours who rented out a house that later had to be demolished after tenants turned it into a meth den).

        Rather than circling back to the emotional and philosophical bases of the conversation, it may help to shift the conversation until it is 100% forward-focused and ask a lot of logistical questions. Like, okay husband, let’s project into the future with the assumption that we’ve put your plan into action and we are now landlords with a big mortgage on our existing home, and all the responsibilities of owning and renting out our previous home. Who takes tenant calls in the middle of the night? Who’s going to go over and fix the rental home’s water heater when it breaks? How will you feel when you want to go on vacation and we can’t do it, because between our current mortgage + homeownership costs and what it costs to maintain the rental property, we don’t have available cash? Ask any question that comes to mind and wait until he answers it. Put pen to paper (or make an Excel spreadsheet) on the finances, and then write down on paper what he is committing to in terms of responsibilities, agreements, etc. when it comes to managing and maintaining the rental property. Don’t let him weasel out of details, and don’t commit to anything you don’t want to commit to doing. Also, don’t let the conversation descend into feelings – this is about practicalities. When you have it all written out, you say “okay so this is what we are agreeing to, let’s both take 24 hours to think it over before we make our agreements and commitments.” See if he blinks, when it’s all been hashed out and written down in black and white. Usually through this process, the other person will come to understand where they are being ridiculous or starry-eyed and agree to concede on certain points.

        If this doesn’t work, go see a marriage counselor. If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to decide whether or not you want to give in and stay married or hold fast and separate. I am sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar situation when I was ready to sell our old house, and my husband wasn’t. Midway through the “pen to paper” exercise he was able to see where he was stuck, there on the paper in black and white, and we were able to work it out. I hope you and your husband are able to work it out as well.

17. How often do you wear colors that you know aren’t flattering on you? I would love to have more warm, colorful sweaters to wear to work. Anything to break up the winter doldrums. However, the fall/winter color palette that most retailers offer is not super flattering on me. My complexion is softer, so winter brights tend to overpower me, while fall colors look dull and wash me out. I suppose the answer is to layer brights with something more flattering, but the beauty of a sweater is that it’s a one-and-done piece. Do I just need to get over myself, or stick with my neutrals and call it a day?

    1. I don’t wear colors that aren’t flattering on me. I don’t pay a ton of mind to what’s in or not, so some seasons if I don’t like stuff and it’s not flattering on me I just don’t buy anything. you need to wear things you like and feel good in. that’s all.

       1. +1

       2. I’m an “autumn” and look awful in spring colors, so I just don’t have anything for spring really.

          Have you checked Talbots? I can’t wear their January colors, but they might look good on you.

       3. +1, I wait until flattering colors are trending and then stock up.

    2. Never. I wait until my colors are available and buy a lots then. Luckily there’s almost always something in gray or blues, and I go for other jewel tones whenever I can find them. I think you’re describing similar coloring to me- a summer in the 4 seasons terms, which means I want blue undertones but lower contrast. I never wear black tops, but most other cool colors work okay, other than really bright reds or very dark navies. Cool pastel tones are hard to find, but I do buy those when I can find them.

       1. Reading the responses below makes me realize I should modify my answer to say that I never wear colors I dislike, and the colors I dislike are also the colors that are unflattering. I dislike orange, yellow, brown, cream, etc. and avoid buying anything in those colors, not just clothes. I naturally gravitate to blues, grays, and jewel tones for everything, which are also the colors which are most flattering to me. If I really loved orange, I would probably buy it anyway, but it’s also much easier to coordinate my entire wardrobe when most of my clothing more or less goes together.

    3. I guess it depends on whether it really matters to you.

       I don’t care particularly which colours are flattering to me – I don’t think I know which colours are flattering to me actually.
       I care about the architecure and construction, fit, the quality of workmanship and fabric. When it comes to colour, I care that the colours in an outfit matches, and mostly, to me, that means fairly low contrast. But the only colours I would not buy – if the rest of my requirements were ticked of – would be mint/seafoam and salmon.

    4. I wear whatever colors I want regardless of whether they are flattering or trending. I enjoy fashion and don’t want to wear similar silhouettes or colors all the time.

    5. I wear ‘unflattering’ colors all the time. I guess I tend to wear them more on days when I am working mostly solo in my office or running errands, not on days when I have big meetings or am making presentations or date night. But if I find a sweater/top/dress that I love, I buy in multiple colorways and prioritize the fit/feel over the flatter.

    6. I’ve bought bottoms – pants, skirts – in colors that I like, but don’t flatter me.

       There are some shades of pink I really like, but, worn next to my face, give me a slightly greenish tinge. So I bought a pair of pants in that pink color and pair them with tops that are more flattering. I’ve also bought accessories like purses and shoes in “unflattering” colors.

       1. This — it matters less if you don’t wear “bad” colors near your face. Like less = “not at all.”

          1. +1 I don’t wear unflattering colors in dresses or shirts but I don’t mind wearing them as pants or skirts.

    7. Seasonal fall or winter colors for you to look out for could be clear red (if you’re a warm-toned person), light navy, cinnamon brown, teal, warm khaki/olive and warm purple. If you’re cold-toned, look for burgundy red, charcoal, dark mauve, greyish chocolate brown, denim blue, deep lilac and grey khaki.

       Look at Uniqlo winter sweater colors, they often have some muted ones.

18. Looking for a heavier-weight merino wool sweatshirt for DH. I got him the icebreaker one for Christmas and he hasn’t taken it off since so we’re going to get a few more – happy to keep with icebreaker but if there’s a better option would love to hear it!

    1. Check out Pendleton. Not sure about sweatshirts specifically but their wool stuff is phenomenal and only seems to get better with age.

       1. +1 for Pendleton! Also do not own their clothing but their blanket quality is incredible.

    2. I love everything Ibex has ever made that I’ve tried on.

       1. I have tried Patagonia, Icebreaker and Smartwool, but Ibex is my favorite.

    3. Check out Woolly! They’re based out of Seattle. Website is Woolly dot clothing. I have and live in their wool sweatshirt and sweatpants in 3 colors. It’s 250gsm weight and not sure how that compares with icebreaker though. My husband loves their everyday polos and Henley shirts…very lightweight and he even wears them in the summer.

19. I’m going to get flamed for this but I would genuinely appreciate some advice. I grew up literally in poverty and didn’t have a stable home or family set up, bounced around to different relatives houses etc. I’m in my early 30s now, make nearly 7 figures, have been truly happily married for a long time and generally have a lot of happiness, stability and love in my life. I feel like I have shed a lot of the old feelings of not being loved, unhealthy emotional habits that grew out of all the instability, but I for the life of me cannot stop feeling poor. I’ve always been really frugal and diligent about investments, so I’m actually a lot wealthier than some of my peers who earn the same amount but are kind of spendy. I guess it’s not hugely impacting my life, but like….. it would nice to be truly appreciative of what I have and not just acknowledge that I’m wealthy but still feel poor. I’m in therapy (not for this in particular) but I just don’t know if this is something that will ever change or what to do about it.

    1. Therapy.

       1. But what is a way to find a therapist who actually gets this? All the therapists I’ve seen personally are so firmly entrenched in their own middle/professional class background that they seem totally unfamiliar with other backgrounds (and say clueless things without realizing it sometimes).

          1. Wendy Rhoades?

          2. Honestly, most therapists are going to have a harder time relating to you complaining about a 7 figure salary not feeling like enough than with growing up in poverty and insecurity (I understand this is about anxiety, not the actual amount of money you make). Maybe this is a function of where you live and what kind of therapists you’re seeing? I think a lot of therapists have experience with these issues, both personally and through many of their clients, but they might not be the ones with offices in fancy neighborhoods and wealthy clientele, which requires projecting a certain type of stability and wealth. Look for someone who specializes in these issues.

          3. Have you tried seeing someone through a community mental health agency or hospital? (Try doing a search for places that take Medicaid if this is confusing.) These therapists may still have the same socioeconomic background as the ones you’ve tried, but they’re used to working with poor patients and should understand poverty and its effects on mental health.

          4. Maybe look for not-big-name state school undergrad degrees /fancy med school degree? Chances are those therapists probably didn’t come from money.

    2. Therapy, and start giving money away if you aren’t already.

       1. Agree. Nothing makes me feel wealthier than giving away substantial amounts of money to causes I care about.

    3. Feel the feeling and then look at it rationally. Explain to yourself why your feeling isn’t fact. Over time the fact will become your new reality. If you’re only early 30s, your security is still relatively new and it’s not weird to have it feel fleeting. Over time it will become more of your background than your childhood was.

    4. Sorry. Can’t relate. In two years you will make twice what I have made in my last 15 working years. I own a house and a functioning car and my closets and pantries and cupboards are full. Does that help?

       1. Yep. This post is exceedingly annoying. I’m rich and happily married! Make me feel better about it!

          Lady, there are kids who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. Stop navel gazing and donate some money.

          1. This lady may have been a kid who didn’t know where her next meal was coming from. And now, even though she’s comfortable, some of that anxiety is there. It’s definitely not the most relatable situation, I get that. But I still think its worth talking through in therapy

             1. I was, Corinne. Didn’t know where my next meal was coming from, didn’t know where I’d be sleeping that night etc etc. I definitely don’t need to be reminded of how hard life can be for some people. And I get that I’m annoying. Why do you think I don’t talk to anyone about this ever?

    5. Is this negatively impacting your life? Like will you not let yourself buy a new car/take a vacation/upgrade anything because it costs too much/the old one is fine/etc.? Or are you just beating yourself up because you can’t switch your thinking into total ‘nbd, buy whatever, so blessed!!!’ all the time? If it’s the second, definitely therapy for how to work on allowing yourself to use your wealth in a way that benefits you.
       If it’s the first, one thing a therapist said that was hugely helpful to me is that you’re not responsible for your first thought. I beat myself up over not being naturally super nice/supportive as my ‘first’ thought – I’ll usually be jealous/snide/mean in my head if I hear about a friends trip/promotion/good news. I hate this about myself and it definitely comes from trauma/culture of scarcity. BUT – I would never, ever share those thoughts nor do I act on them. I’m learning to ‘hear’ those thoughts, then say, ‘gee, that’s not very nice, I love Anon, and they deserve that raise/trip/promotion/etc’. I also then think about how happiness is not a zero sum game and focus on doing something nice for them AND practicing kindness towards myself for that’ first thought’ and realizing it comes from a place of trauma/scarcity.
       So if the only impact is your ‘first thought’ maybe focus on practicing kindess and understanding towards yourself?

    6. And also? It’s corny but practicing gratitude: Every single day I look around my (not super fancy but way nicer than I grew up in) house and think “I am so lucky to be here!” And when something happens like the car or the dishwasher breaking down, I think “wow, I am so lucky to have the money to fix this without it being a financial catastrophe!” Put it in words, every day, and I promise it will eventually start to change your attitude!

       1. +1. Gratitude isn’t about putting on a fake happy-happy mask when bad things happen, but about truly appreciating what we have and where we are. Also includes a large component, for me, of “be here now.” We can’t change the past and we don’t know the future, but we can be in the present moment and feel grateful for where we are, what we have, who we have in our lives, and even who we are as people. There’s research about how gratitude helps overall mental health and how regularly practicing gratitude (as SA describes above) eases stress and anxiety.

    7. I totally get this. Grew up financially unstable, so not exactly in poverty like your experience but I still have a lot of anxiety around money and savings even though we are definitely high earners with plenty of savings. One thing that helped me was to think of the things that only “wealthy” people do and do that. For example, my parents drove old, ugly cars that my father poorly fixed himself when trouble arose (and it always did). I now drive the nicest car I can afford (pay cash) that I absolutely love; I love the way it looks, I love the way it drives. But for me, the best feeling is maintaining it. Every time I take it in for an oil change, or a car wash, or regularly scheduled maintenance, I get that feeling of gratitude because I always thought only wealthy people could do all those “extras.” Another for me is taking my kids’ friends out to dinner. My parents never took us out to dinner, let alone extra kids. So now I feel a sense of “made it” when I tell my kids to each invite someone to come to dinner with us, our treat. So YMMV, but my advice is think of the things that signaled wealth to you as a poor kid and find ways to integrate those into your life. Buy something at a gift shop when you go to a museum. Participate in the live auction when you go to a fundraiser. Write a physical check each month to the non-profit that helps kids like you were. Do whatever small thing seemed completely out of bounds before and enjoy that feeling of having “made it.”

       1. This is great advice

    8. Is some of your concern practical, like are you worried about misfortune like job loss or disability?

       For me, it helps to look at my assets and expenses, and then look at my “runway” of how much time I have to get back on my feet in the event of misfortune. From what you’ve said, I imagine that if you took a look, your runway is super long. Might it help you feel wealthy if you have a spreadsheet that shows you your robust safety net?

    9. The best way to feel good about the present is to worry about what would happen if your husband decided to leave you. Right now, you have money and a husband who loves you, but is it because you make a lot of money? If you lost your job, where would he go? Would he get off his tuchus and support you? Probably not. Once you see the potential negatives, just focus on avoiding that, and focus on him and other things you are doing that are positive. Don’t be self centered or your husband could well decide to leave, and in a divorce, take alot of your wealth with him. So don’t do anything else stupid or you will have to deal with real issues you do not have to face today. Good luck to you!

    10. First of all – congrats! That’s so great, you should be very proud of your achievements. It is very hard to beat the odds of inherited poverty, and it’s fabulous that you have! Very happy for you – where I live, you’d be called a dandelion child, somebody who has thrived in difficult growing conditions and beat the odds.

        I think it’s very difficult to stop that feeling, you need to build new reflexes, new non-poverty emotional muscles.

        One muscle, is allowing yourself to have nice things. What were the things that made you the most wistful as a child and young adult, that you wanted but knew you couldn’t have? Did you want pop-tarts for breakfast? Did you want to join a team or do a hobby you couldn’t afford? Did you want to have popcorn at the cinema (or go to the cinema)? Did you want a nice coat? New Chucks? Trendy sunglasses? A birthday cake with candles? Allow yourself to think about some of the things you wanted but knew you couldn’t have, either because nobody cared, there wasn’t money, you were saving for classes or whatever. And then give yourself those things now, or the equivalent. I’m guessing that frugal you still censor wishes or buy a version that’s less than. I remember hearing an interview with Emma B from the Spice girls, talking about her background. She said that the thing that made her realize she had more money was grapes. Growing up, grapes was too expensive, a special treat to bring somebody in hospital. Now she could buy grapes or any fruit she wanted all the time, and that was her visceral reminder.

        Another muscle, could be spreading the luck. In addition to years of hard work I’m sure you can identify a couple of times in your extraordinary journey where you had luck, or where something really worked out that really made a difference. That extra job, a great teacher, finding the right class, a scholarship, or something like that, circumstances that enhanced your efforts or made it possible. Try being an instrument of luck to people you identify with, whatever that means for you. Maybe a donation to a place that gives community classes, small scholarships to pay for books or gas, clothes or food, something to change somebody else’s circumstances a tiny bit.

        1. I love this comment so much, thank you (not the OP).

20. If someone has situational anxiety around a Thing and it’s preventing them from taking the immediate next step to address the Thing, is it helpful or harmful to take the step for them? Assume the person is in agreement that the next step is the right next step but just cannot seem to do it themselves. I do not suffer from anxiety and, as hard as I’ve tried, I do not fully grasp what helpful when a loved one is suffering in this context.

    1. Huh? No, you cannot solve someone else’s problem for them.

    2. Do not do the thing for them!

    3. It depends on the thing and the person. If it’s making an appointment to see a therapist or doctor about mental health issues and offering to go with them if they want, then I think this can be really helpful. It can be really difficult to navigate these things while dealing with anxiety or depression. The nicest thing a friend ever did for me was when I was struggling with depression in college and they took me to the counseling center and helped me get an appointment. It meant so much that someone thought I was suffering and that it didn’t have to be that way.

       1. It’s SO and it’s a very, very toxic job environment – absolutely horrendous direct manager in an otherwise good company. They want and need to look for a new job and wants to talk to a career coach but just won’t reach out. They says they can’t take the next step, and that it’s not that easy. I’m sure it’s not in their mind but I just don’t fully understand why not. Like, do the thing to fix the thing so we can all try to move on from this hellish work environment that is spilling over in to our personal lives. I don’t say that flippantly; I fully acknowledge our brains do not function the same way. We’ve been talking about it ad nauseum at home and, candidly, I can only take so much more without seeing any remote action to fix things. SO is talking to a therapist, so that box is checked. I don’t know what to do to help – them or me, frankly, but I sincerely want to (and they want my help, but can’t give me any direction, either).

          1. Oh, we were posting at the same time.

             Do not get involved with your partner’s job stuff. Back away slowly…

          2. Applying for new jobs will yield better results than talking to a career coach. Ask your husband to do that.

             1. Yes, I just wrote the reply below about saying you should help them find a career coach, but I actually agree that just finding a new job would be better. If you know enough to provide suggestions on resumes/cover letters or practice interview questions, I think that could be helpful if they’re feeling stuck about certain parts of the process. The important thing is getting them over the hump and believing that it really can get better.

          3. In that case, I think it would be reasonable for you to do some research on career coaches and find a few that seem like they might work. Present those options to SO and ask if they want you to schedule an appointment with them. If they come up with objections to those options, ask them what the problems are and try one more time to find better options. If they still don’t accept those, then back off, but I think it is work trying if they say that they theoretically want a career coach.

             I know some people will say this is infantilizing, but when people are struggling with mental health or really tough situations, they just get caught up in pessimism and thinking of all the reasons something won’t work (like the poster above who says she can’t take time off because her kids aren’t vaxxed). Getting stuck in a bad work situation can just make you feel worthless and like there’s nothing you can ever do to make it better and sometimes it really takes someone else who believes that it can be better to help you get to a place where you can actually do something about it. Tell them you want more for them and are willing to help them to make things better for both of you. There is certainly a point where you do have to give up, but I’d make some effort first.

          4. You cannot job search for your husband.

             1. I don’t want to or intend to. I don’t think they’re mentally ready or clear headed enough to apply, for that matter – they’re under the thumb of a completely manipulative narcissist. The gaslighting is next level. I’ve witnessed it first hand (lots of WFH in a small space allows for that…) and have friends that work with SO and think said manager is absolutely of her freaking rocker. SO is just trying to get out alive/in one piece each work day and can’t seem to find the space to take a step away from the toxic work to move themselves in the direction of the next role, things as simple as updating a resume. I’m just struggling to figure out what I can do or how I can help. I don’t want to over step, but I’m thinking I could provide links to a few resume writers and leave it to SO to do the outreach.

       2. I agree with this, and I’d go so far as to say that applies to similar things like making any kind of appointment — health care, insurance broker, cable company, whatever.

          Signed,

          Someone who needs to call the phone company and would give a million bucks to have somebody do it for me

21. Y’all. WWYD. I started at a new company recently and just found out I’m pregnant (yay!). My company doesn’t offer maternity leave. I haven’t been there long enough for FMLA. I am feeling RAGEY. It’s a giant company. DH has 16 weeks of leave. We just went from excitement for our expanding family to discussing terminating and trying again when I can take FMLA. I’m so angry. I’m so stressed out. I know probably half of American women face this issue, and I’m privileged that DH has leave, but seriously WTF

    1. Have you talked to them yet? They may not be legally required to provide FMLA but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will not allow you to take leave.

       1. +1 That seems like a really obvious first step before considering termination.

    2. Wait, even though they don’t offer maternity or FMLA in this case, can’t you request unpaid time? I understand they can say no, but presumably they invested resources in recruiting and hiring you and want to see you succeed in the role (and recoup their investment). I wouldn’t consider terminating without at the very least exploring this possibility.

       1. True, I believe I will be able to get unpaid time off but not sure how much. Probably not more than a few weeks. It will be okay, my family will figure it out. I’m feeling ragey that this GIANT company is screwing over their women employees like this. It’s almost more the principle of the thing more than it impacts me personally. It makes me want to quit (I won’t).

          1. You don’t know that they’re screwing you over yet – talk to HR :)

          2. Assuming giant means more than 20 employees at the company they are required to give you a minimum of 6-8 weeks off unpaid. Per federal law.

             1. No…this is quite literally wrong information. Maybe you’re thinking state law? FMLA is up to 3 months unpaid of 12 months or more of working there with 50 or more employees.

             2. Employment lawyer here, and this is incorrect.

          3. FMLA is unpaid too.

             1. +1. Also – as frustrating as this is, it’s the kind of thing that is actually really easy to find out about at large companies. If you’re thinking about leaving, definitely look into this for future employers!

          4. You’re not going to quit but you would have an abortion?

             1. That is crazy to me. I’m pro-choice but terminating a wanted baby because the timing is inconvenient is big yikes.

             2. Right? What an absolutely bonkers viewpoint.

    3. I’m mad on your behalf that companies like this exist. But, out of curiosity, why did you accept a job with a company that doesn’t offer parental leave? Especially knowing you wouldn’t be eligible for FMLA? Also, many companies’ parental leave doesn’t apply if you haven’t been there for a year or more, which kind of makes sense because you need some time to settle into a new role. I guess my question is, what was your plan? If the pregnancy was unplanned, that’s another thing.

       1. I also have the same question, but can’t give a pass on the “unplanned pregnancy” thing because I have to believe anyone posting here also has access to information about reliable birth control.

          Reading your benefits paperwork is best done before someone accepts a job offer (similar to the discussion above about health benefits). The fact that OP wouldn’t be eligible for maternity leave should she get pregnant immediately shouldn’t have been a surprise to her. We have brains and we have the means to control our own reproduction. Why someone would be stabby mad and contemplating abortion over a situation that was easily manageable or even preventable is beyond me. We should absolutely have federally-guaranteed paid parental leave, and this company may need to clean up its act. But the OP’s tantrum over the situation is misplaced. The person she should be maddest at is herself.

    4. Huh? Go talk to HR. Tell them when you are due. Ask what the company can do. Talk to you manager.

       Idk why you’d jump to aborting a wanted baby without a conversation or several. Most companies will work with you to figure out unpaid leave.

    5. Talk to HR. A giant company will likely give you leave anyway. Here’s too much risk associated with pregnancy. Many large companies provide job protection regardless of FMLA. Call someone, don’t just read the website.

       1. Talk to HR. A giant company will likely give you leave anyway. Here’s too much risk associated with pregnancy. Many large companies provide job protection regardless of FMLA. Call someone, don’t just read their brochures.

       2. And if you kick up enough of a ruckus, maybe you can be the one who gets Giant Company to change its policy!

    6. Congrats!! You’re understandably worries but if your husband has 16 weeks of leave I think you guys will be ok. Ask for a couple weeks of unpaid time. It is very likely that he company will work something out with you. If you can’t get the extra unpaid time off you should still have a few weeks of PTO. DH’s paternal leave(which is a nice amount for the US) will allow him to be the primary parent for those first few months. I know this doesn’t seem ideal but it doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to terminate a baby that you both are excited for.

    7. There is so much focus on pregnancy and the first few months, first year. But parenthood is a marathon. The first few months are hard, but it’s really only a few months out of a lifetime. Make sure you’re taking the long view.

       And make sure if you terminate that it’s because honestly believe you cannot make it work (and that’s totally ok!). Since you do want a baby, you don’t want to be in a position where you have trouble getting pregnant later or are too rage-y at the circumstances that forced your hand to be able deal with the day to day with your job.

       Welcome to parenthood! It’s really really hard.

       1. Also, I started a job days after I found out I was pregnant with DD1. I didn’t get FMLA, but I was still eligible for maternity leave. I also left that job 27 months after starting.

    8. You are entitled to be ragey about this! But please don’t allow a terrible policy by a corporation to make huge important decisions about your personal life. Go talk to HR and tell them you are pregnant and will need 10-12 weeks of leave. Show them the leave policies of comparable companies. If they won’t give you at least unpaid leave (and preferably some paid), I would absolutely try to find a new job and negotiate maternity leave when you’re hired.

       The idea that an employer is forcing you into a situation where you have to consider terminating a wanted pregnancy is just — wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

    9. After your husband takes his 16 weeks of leave, will you then be eligible for FMLA? He would the primary caretaker for the first 4 months, then you. And maybe you can get some paid leave for the first few weeks, and then unpaid leave after he returns to work. But do talk to HR, and see what can be arranged, and I do not blame you for being enraged. It is just so crazy that we do not have leave.

    10. I say this kindly, but this is a massive overreaction. You may have options. Unpaid leave is one. Having your DH take more is another. Going straight to “let’s terminate and try again” absolutely boggles my mind.

    11. Do you live in a state that cares about women and babies and have you looked into state protections? In California, someone in your position could still take Pregnancy Disability Leave (partially paid through the state) for up to 4 weeks before and 6-8 weeks after, or longer if needed.

        Also, I would definitely check in with the employer. Even if not required and they’re not all that caring, in this job market, it could be easier to give an employee a maternity leave when not mandated by law rather than have to find a new employee.

22. +1 on the pet. WFH has allowed me to do a lot of things I would not have been able to, like get a puppy and foster kittens. Since I am home, I can handle these things. Consider doing some things you might be interested in doing that you definitely would not have been able to do going into the office.

    1. Thread fail; this was for the single person down in the dumps after 2 years of WFH.

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