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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Hooray for Friday (and hopefully the beginning of a long weekend for many of you!). Today I'm liking this pleated shift dress from Kohl's — I like both versions of this “abstract animal print” (which just looks abstract to me), the pleated details at the neck, and the general silhouette. I'm not totally familiar with Apt. 9 clothes, but my guess would be that the material may be a bit thin, making this an excellent dress to wear with a slip for the office. It was $40, now marked to $23.99, and take an additional 15%-30% off when you use your Kohl's Charge. Apt. 9® Animal Pleated Shift Dress
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
NOLA
Pretty dress! We don’t have Kohl’s here so I rarely get there.
Okay, I opened my email this morning and was faced with this: http://www.ninewest.com/Sharina/5506301,default,pd.html?variantSizeClass=&variantColor=JJ082PA_1&cgid=8346255&prefn1=catalog-id&prefv1=ninewest-catalog
in the yellow multi fabric. What are they thinking? That is possibly the ugliest show I have seen in a long time. And they seem to have used this combination for several shoes.
darjeeling
wow, no kidding! I also hate every other print and I’m definitely a print person.
a passion for fashion
I dont actually mind the prints, but the shoe itself is awful.
a.
I don’t actually hate this. In a way, I wish I did, but I don’t.
Bonnie
To me this shoe is the equivalent of what interns do wrong. You can do a platform or a high heel or a peep-toe or bright print but not all at the same time.
Coalea
In addition to the hideous print, did you notice that it has an animal print heel?!
Meg Murry
Yeah, the leopard print heel is what took it over the top for me. The solid color patent is ok, but the multicolored prints + animal print is just way too much for me.
NOLA
That was what threw it over the edge for me, too. I swear, I wanted to avert my eyes.
Anonymous
Well ladies…I posted awhile ago about not knowing how I was performing at a sink or swim firm, and well…
I never had a review. I was just told there isn’t enough work for us (I’ve been watching this happen for months, things are going down the drain here, that’s no exaggeration) and I have until the end of June to find a job. I’m pissed, sad, tired, and..whatever. But more importantly, I’m motivated to find a way better job asap.
Next steps? How do I contact people telling them I am looking? Do I just say I’m looking for a new spot? I’ve got a fair number of contacts at the big places here. I am just worried since I haven’t interviewed since 09, the market is awful, and I’m scared.
Anonymous
That happened to me recently, at the end of September, and I’m happy to say that I’m starting a sweet job on Tuesday that is…well, basically the job that I hoped to get in 5 years.
… I’m sending so, so many positive vibes your way, it’s tough, I completely understand.
Anonymous
How did you phrase it to people? any advice would be appreciated :)
Anonymous
Well, it was sort of easy for me because a large percentage of our lawyers (and an even larger percentage of the associates) were laid off at the same time, so I was basically said “X firm asked me, and several of my colleagues, to seek new employment as the firm was having financial difficulties”. Everyone in the market knew what happened, and so the question wasn’t commonly asked, and those who did ask just nodded replied with something like “Yes, we heard rumours about that”. All my references at X firm obviously backed me up, because they thought I did/do excellent work, and it was sort of…out of their hands.
momentsofabsurdity
I’m so sorry! Sending positive thoughts your way.
mascot
I’m sorry. I would just say you are looking for a new spot, different experience, working with a different type of client, something along those lines. You have some time before you would need to own up to being downsized. I also wouldn’t mention a lack of work, especially if other in your class are still there. Some people may read it as you weren’t eager enough or you didn’t have good work product.
Anonymous
I am looking as well. Google “how to write people and ask for help finding a job.” I’m not kidding. Lots of help phrasing networking emails. Reach out. Create a stronger network. Look to your schools’ alumni databases, LinkedIn groups, Facebook, etc. One good thing is it is out in the open you’re looking- so no need to hide from present employer the fact that you’re looking. Always remember that people WANT to help. They feel flattered. I think most of us feel like such soulless drones in our jobs that helping someone might be the most satisfying thing we do all year. Good luck to you!
JJ
What city are you in? My phone has recently been ringing off the hook from recruiters looking for candidates. I think the market in some places might be picking up a bit. I would start networking asap and even talking to recruiters and letting them know that you’re looking.
Anonymous
Argh I’m a foreigner. I live in Toronto. BUT I am a NY call too and have always wanted to go down there (many of my classmates have). I actually had a phone interview for nyc the day before my firm offered me permanent employment last year (permanent- right).
LLBMBA
What area of law? I’m in Toronto and would be happy to send anything I hear of your way.
Anonymous
do you have an email I could message you? I don’t want to totally give myself away here.
Equity's Darling
If you’re interested in Calgary…? It’s a decent, if not amazing, market, certainly better than Toronto..esp. if you’re in lit there are definitely some firms looking. email: cdn[this site] at gmail, and I’ll see what I can dig up from people I know?
TO Lawyer
Equity’s Darling – I’m emailing you too about the Calgary market, if you don’t mind.
Sorry to threadjack anon – I’m sorry to hear about your firm. If you email me at toronto [dot] [name of this website] at gmail dot com, I’d be happy to put some feelers out and see if I can help!
kc esq
Phrase it in the most positive way you can. Not “I need a job by June”, but “I am looking for a new opportunity” — better still, “I am looking for an opportunity to expand my work in xyz” or “I am looking for an opportunity with increased responsibility” or however you want to phrase it. People will get that you’re unhappy in your current position for some reason and most won’t inquire about the specifics. It’s important that you always stay positive because people don’t like to hire negative people, even if they have every right to be negative about their situations. Eager is good, but never appear desperate.
East Coast Canadian
If you’re interested in Canadian Federal Govt work the Public Service Commission website currently has a couple of postings for lawyers in TO/Ottawa – Corporate/Commerical at Canada Post and Regulatory Officer and Competition Law Officer jobs.
A Poll
In the wake of Valentine’s Day, I’ve been thinking about physical intimacy and how “happy” you feel in your marriage. It’s on my mind because my husband and I have “relations” less than most of my friends say that they do, but I feel genuinely satisfied and so does he. Just curious to see the responses:
If you care to share for my own little research, tell us:
how often you have “lady garden parties” each week/ if you’re married, dating, engaged, living together, etc. / how satisfied you feel in your relationship on a scale from 1-10
I’ll go first:
1 / married / 9
Anon 23
1 x/ week on average, married going on 8 years, together 14 years. 10 on satisfaction scale. We used to “do it” just to “do it” and now we just “do it” when we are both really into it. I’d rather have awesome LGPs less frequently than ho-hum ones on the regular. He is a gentleman and if I seem to be just phoning it in he would rather wait until I’m really wanting it. Maybe as we are older we are more secure and not offended when the other person isn’t rearing to go on a moments notice.
Merabella
We generally have lgp about once a week (I’m working on more – see below), we are married, and I’m at a 9. I have been trying to say yes more, even if I’m just feeling blah – because it is like the gym, I’m always kind of meh about going, but I feel really great afterward. And I think doing it more has made me more interested in doing it.
Anonymama
I agree 100% with this. We have LGP about once/month (we are recently parents).
But your analogy about the gym is spot on.
Anonymama
Oh, and we are married. Together 10 years. Satisfaction generally an 8, but it would be a 10 if the frequency of LGP improved.
Reg. poster, anon for this.
Avg. 3/engaged and living together/10. I think it’s a matter of “you do you,” though. Everyone’s libido is different, and if you are both satisfied with your s3x life, and are otherwise happy and satisfied in your relationship, then that is the “right” answer for the two of you!
anononononono
id say average is 1xweek, with some weeks much more and some less; we’ve been married going on 8 years and together for 12. satisfaction is 8-10, depending on my mood :)
I am happy, however, to see the other responses. there was a similar poll a year or so ago and most of the responses were like “every night” or 3-4xweek and for folks who had been married quite a while. Im sure there are some people for whom this is true, but i have a hard time believing its true for most people, or even most people reading this site.
Happyanon
Parties 3-5 times/married/10000-I’m really happy with where we are and what we have created.
Anon
Aw, you poor, pathetic weirdo, Happyanon. You’re clearly lying, honey.
D
2 times per week/engaged and living together/8
I actually think the stress about LGPs is what knocks us down from 10. The rest of our relationship is great, but he wants to have parties a lot more than I do right now. I’ve been coming back from work-induced depression/stress from my previous job so it’s hard to get in the mood… he’d prefer 4-5 times per week…
Anon
LGP maybe 1 or 2x/wk (sometimes less) but we’re also TTC so during optimal planting time, it’s every other day. Married 2.5yrs, together 4. Satisfaction: 9.9
Ha
“Optimal planting time” made me laugh… gets the point across both literally (conception/implantation) and figuratively (LGP analogy).
definitely anon
We have LGPs once a month or less. Married. Satisfaction level 8 or 9. I feel like we are “broken” sometimes, but we are happy so whatever.
anon also
This is where we are right now. Sometimes it feels broken, but everything is so hectic that we’re both tired + there are some minor health issues on top of things.
anonamoose
Right there with you. Maybe 1x/month. New parents with too much stress & hectic jobs. Mostly, we’re just exhausted. Married 3 years – super happy (9.5) other than the stress & lack of libido.
Elle
Shouldn’t you be asking how satisfied your PARTNER is in the relationship? If he is at a 2 and you are at a 9, it’s hardly a useful poll.
OP
I’m mostly just interested to see how often others are doing it/how satisfied they are because I have a few friends who have made comments before about knowing a relationship of theirs was doomed because they were doing it only once a week. It made me feel like maybe something is wrong with me/my relationship if we only do it once a week but are happy with that. Maybe it’s stupid, but I was just curious!
cc
I think that is the key- that both are happy. If one partner is happy with once a week and doing it once a week, that is great. BUt if the other wants 6 a week and is doing it 1 a week, that is going to bring that satisfaction number way down. So people who knew it was doomed only doing it once a week knew that because maybe they or theirpartner, needed/wanted it much more
CKB
1-2 times per week/married 18.5 years/8-9 satisfaction overall, 9-10 satisfaction in the bedroom.
We are satisfied, although I doubt either of us would not enjoy more frequency, but life gets busy, and so we go for quality over quantity. It works for us. We check in with each other on a fairly regular basis to make sure the other is still satisfied so we can make adjustments if we need to.
anon for this
5x/week (sometimes daily or twice a day, less when we run out of condoms) — married for 2 years, together for 6. Satisfaction level 10, but I don’t really care about sex.
Curious
When you say you don’t really care about sex, do you enjoy doing it as often as you do or are you just playing along?
anon for this
I don’t think I would care if it happened fewer or more times in the relationship. I enjoy it when it is happening, but it’s not really important to me.
Anonymama
It would become more important if you were only having it once a month, I guarantee that!
Anon for this
LGPs 2x/week | married 5.5 yrs; together 14 yrs | satisfaction 9
We have very different libidos; I’d be happy with 1x a month or less whereas I think he’d go for 1x a day. We very recently agreed to go for 2x/week on set days, and that is working very well for us. I know some people relish spontaneity, but I like this because I have all day to psyche myself up (see Merabella’s gym comparison above), he knows it’s a sure thing, and I don’t have to worry about saying no the other five nights.
anon
Can I ask why you have to psyche yourself up if your satisfaction is a 9?
Anon 23
I answered the question based on my satisfaction with my relationship and frequency of LGPs. I’m 10/10 happy w/ the relationship and frequency of LGPs though I also have to sometimes pych myself up to do it. You can be madly and love and just less sexual.
Anon for this (from 12:17)
I’ve actually found it to be good for me to know in advance so I don’t plan to spend all night doing work, or cooking, or trying to do housework. Then I can mentally set aside that time and make it something to look forward to. Previously, s3x was just not something on my radar unless DH put it there, and I usually had already planned to get something “productive” done instead. Now that it is on my radar from the get-go, it’s been working for me. Perhaps “psyche myself up” wasn’t the best phrase to use; more like “anticipate.”
Anon
To offer one possible explanation, some people have a low sex drive. Even if sex is a 10/10 every time they have it, it still won’t make them want to do it more often. I had a severely decreased (basically nonexistent) sex drive when I was on the pill. No matter how high my satisfaction would have been, my interest in sex was 0. Hopefully that makes sense!
Anon for this (from 12:17)
Yes. This is how I feel generally. Does Mirena affect libido? Or maybe it’s the two small children, heavy workload, and other daily stresses…… :)
anon
I got a Mirena recently and my sex drive has actually dramatically increased. Like, it’s crazy high now. I spent 2 years on the pill with 0 sex drive, a year on the ring, and then went hormone-free for 2 years (condoms). My sex drive never recovered from the hit it took when I went on the pill.
But since I’ve had the Mirena, my sex drive has been higher than it was pre-pill. It’s a huge unexpected bonus for me. I’m sure other people’s experiences will vary – the Mirena affects everyone in different ways. But, it helped me!
Mighty Mouse
Zero drive for me on the pill / ring, too. And it really affected our relationship. I don’t have many regrets in life, but I wish that I hadn’t let it go on for almost 10 years. It was only when we pulled the goalie that I realized that I still had a desire for lgp!
Now we are 2-3x / married 12 yrs (together for almost 20) / satisfaction 9
And I don’t know if we go for quality over quantity—the more s3x you have, the more you will have, and more opportunities for quality to happen. (But just my very-poorly worded opinion.)
Anna
I have a Mirena and compared to being on the Pill I am always raring to go :) it was a really nice boost after many years of hormonal woes from trying different pills. The only pill that worked for me without a lot of other side effects had one whopping side effect of completely killing my sex drive. I love my Mirena. No periods, darn close to zero chance of pregnancy, and I don’t feel like sexless gnome. I haven’t gained weight on it, either.
Anon for This
Honestly, we have LGP’s 6-7 times a week. If it were up to him, we’d have parties twice a day, but we’ve compromised at 1x daily/6 times a week.
Living together, dating 2 years, and hopefully engaged in the next year or so.
Relationship satisfaction – While I can’t speak entirely for him, I’d say a 9+ for both of us.
anon for this
1x/week unless it’s TTC time / married 9 years / satisfaction 9
I think we’d both like to do it more, but you know, life happens. We’re busy and often tired on weeknights. But when we finally get to relax and enjoy each other, we’re both extremely happy with our partying. Quality over quantity.
Anon 23
THIS. Quality over quantity.
anon
~10/engaged and living together/10
yes, it’s a lot. we both have a high drive (I am 30, he is 23, so we are both at about the ‘peak’. We both expect this to decrease over time.)
Parfait
4-5 times a week, dating just over 1 year. We don’t live together, but we live less than a mile apart. Over-the-moon happy with this frequency and pretty much everything else.
Anon
Good grief, Parfait — “over the moon happy with this frequency and pretty much everything else”? You are so gross and braggy.
Litigare or not
I laughed out loud at this….envy much?
Anon
Together 15 years. We go through spurts where it’s all the time and droughts like now where it’s been a month maybe? I’d like our droughts to be fewer but I can’t say I’m that dissatisfied. TTC really took a lot of the fun out of it but I don’t necessarily need s@x to feel close.
Anna
About once a week although sometimes it’s 2
Married 13 yrs, together 15
Satisfaction (both sides – I asked him) is 9-10
I could do with a little more frequency but it’s difficult to make it happen. Jobs/kid/volunteering/house chores etc. We try to try new things and keep it spicy so when it does happen, it’s exciting and good. As some others have stated, as time has gone on we have gotten away from doing it whenever, even if we were both tired or one of us was not that into it, to making it good when it does happen. I am just glad that what I was told when I got married – that by the time we were married 10 years the LGPs wouldn’t really be happening at all – has turned out not to be true. :)
rosie
Gift threadjack. My youngest cousin’s bat mitzvah is this summer. I don’t think I’ve ever attended a bat or bar mitzvah as an adult. What do I give? I’d rather give a physical gift than cash. I’m thinking jewelry. Can you give a 13-year-old adult jewelry, or should I be shopping more for teenager stuff? I remember getting some birthstone jewelry for my bat mitzvah, which I could do for her (peridot). Judaica items? Books? Other ideas? We don’t live in the same town, so it would be hard to take her on an experience gift.
mascot
I’ve gotten some nice peridot pieces from Ross-Simon. I think “adult” jewelry is a great coming of age gift.
a.
Agreed about adult jewelry being a good idea.
Anon
I got a lovely string of basic pearls at about that age that I still wear with everything.
LawDawg
Adult jewelry is a good bat mitzvah gift. Her parents will probably hide it away from her until she’s older, but when she needs something special they can pull it out.
Lalo
Where does she live? When I had mine there were some status gifts that every girl wanted. Number one was the heart toggle bracelet from Tiffany’s. My youngest female cousin had hers 2 years ago and there was a new Tiffany bracelet. I don’t ever wear my bracelet (or matching necklace) anymore, but I think you can’t go wrong with adult jewelry. Otherwise, it’s like any other gift. Give in a range that you feel comfortable giving in an area that your cousin is interested in. If she’s into photography, an entry dslr, if she’s into cooking find the best local to her cooking school with teen classes, etc. Money is common, at least where I am, and I saved all my BM money, minus like $500 or $600, and just spent it on a good investment 13 years later.
rosie
Thanks for all of these suggestions! Glad to hear that giving more grown up jewelry wouldn’t seem ridiculous. I’m trying to think about things that I wore when I was that age but still wear now when I want something daintier, and may go in that direction.
Blue
When I had my Bat Mitzvah (13 years ago), there were a few Tiffany’s necklaces and bracelets that were The Thing To Have. Every single Bat Mitzvah’ed girl got them and I was thrilled when I got them too. So, she’ll probably want something like that (whatever the equivalent is today), but she’ll probably get it from other people.
I also got a few more unique pieces that I didn’t/don’t wear nearly as often, but are still fun to pull out on occasion when I want a random blinged out ruby ring or something. At age 26 I have more of that cool “adult” jewelry then most of my friends who weren’t Bat Mitzvahed and I still appreciate it. I also still think of fond memories of the person who gave it to me every time I wear it.
anon
this is funny to me because I grew up in a laid-back city on the West Coast, and really didn’t have any idea what Tiffany’s even WAS — and no one I knew 17 years ago was getting that year’s Tiffany necklace for her bat mitzvah. But it must have been a THING in New York, because my New York relatives got me the bean necklace.
Calibrachoa
TJ – are there any other Ireland-based ‘e t t es? Or am I alone on this fair island? :)
cb
Not Ireland but across the sea in Scotland.
anon
I’m curious to hear responses – if you were listening to a good friend vent about a guy, and you had a vague feeling that she was being a bit unreasonable and unfair to him — but this is not out of character for her — would you tell her that you thought that, or would you keep mum and just listen to her vent?
When I say “unreasonable” I don’t mean something blatantly horrible — I mean being annoyed that he only sent one text/being irritated that he didn’t get a better Valentine’s Day present/being grumpy that he hasn’t called.
Young Consultant
I am always honest with my friends about things like this. I really think a lot of women need to hear it. I have always been very laid back with my boyfriends, and I very rarely get irritated about the small things. While I try to keep in mind that different people have different needs, and if something really makes YOU unhappy, your SO should care, I think it does not hurt to try to make your more demanding friends see things a bit more in perspective.
MaggieLizer
Kind of funny this is back to back with a post about being disappointed about vday. But like the below poster said, it’s not so much that she’s disappointed about the specific thing the guy’s doing – whether it’s a less-than-awesome gift or lack of texting or whatever – she’s disappointed about the theme those actions create, which is “He’s not meeting my needs.” So I would help her to explore that and not focus on OMG I TEXTED 20 MINS AGO AND HE HASN’T RESPONDED! Maybe he’s just more comfortable showing affection in other ways, and she needs to learn to accept that from him so she feels fulfilled.
anon
Ahh I just noticed that! I’m sorry – totally not intentional and not meant to imply the poster below is being unreasonable.
JK
I would say be honest! One of my best friends has told me before when I complained about something my boyfriend-now husband did that I should cut him a break. She was right! I listened to her and cut my man a break about something that wasn’t a big deal…and I’m so glad I did. It was far more valuable to me than having her just say “yeah! what a jerk!” about something that I was just truly overreacting about.
a.
Yup. Sometimes we all need reality checks. I’m not saying tell her she’s an awful person, etc. etc. etc., but it’s okay to clue her in that she could use a lil’ perspective.
JessC
I think it depends a little on the friend. I have some close friends that I could tell them flat out that they’re acting a little cray-cray and they’ll be fine and accept that maybe they need a reality check. But I have some friends, mostly ones I’m not as close to, that I might be a little gentler about making those kind of statements.
Disappointed
Is anyone else disappointed with their Valentine’s Day? I feel really shallow saying that, especially because I’m not really all that into Hallmark holidays, and “gifts” ranks lowest in my 5 Languages. But BF and I had a fight earlier this week that basically ended with me saying “I have serious doubts about whether you can meet my emotional needs.” He he just said sorry and he’ll try to do better, which I’ve heard before.
I would’ve thought after that he would try to step it up on a “holiday” where the point is to show affection. I got him a really cool experiential gift that I knew he’d love. He got me flowers and a box of chocolates. Not sent to my home or work even though it was uncertain whether we’d see each other last night, not a big impressive arrangement of my favorite flowers, just totally standard. I didn’t have any set expectation in mind, and I certainly wasn’t expecting anything elaborate, but maybe something with a little thought? And personality? Idk I was already feeling kind of blah about the relationship and now I’m just feeling even more disappointed. Thoughts, advice, commiseration? Thanks all.
Ao
I think the disappointment you’re feeling is natural. He had the perfect opportunity to “do better,” but he didn’t. It may show that either 1) he really doesn’t understand what you need from the relationship; or 2) he doesn’t care (sorry). Either way, you probably should have a serious sit-down with him to discuss.
LilyB
Personally I think you should totally separate out your disappointment over Valentine’s Day from your general feelings about the relationship, because it’s just one day and who knows, maybe he’s just a little clueless about gift-giving? Assuming of course that you haven’t had past V-days where he did a better job of wooing you.
Disappointed
Good point about separating my feelings. This was our first Valentine’s, but he did a really good job on my Christmas gift. Everything had a personal touch, and I made sure to thank and praise him a LOT for all the little things he gave me that had a story behind them. And he gave me a card with a really nice note that made me cry (in a good way), but no card for vday. I didn’t expect him to hit it out of the park again, but another heartfelt card would’ve been nice?
TBK
Sounds like maybe he’s not the right guy for you/you’re not the right lady for him. I’m kind of skeptical of anyone’s ability to meet another’s emotional needs through effort. It seems like you’re either both on the same page, or you’re not. If it’s a specific way of expressing himself that you want, that’s different. For example, I admitted to my husband last night that I do actually want flowers on Valentine’s Day. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t get me anything — not hurt, because I don’t think it reflects a lack of feeling on his part, just kind of had wished he’d done something. (Totally unfair of me, btw, because he said last week “are we doing anything for Valentine’s” and I said “I don’t know, I guess not” instead of telling him what I wanted. Shame on me for being like that.) He now knows that I like surprises and would like him to surprise me with something on Valentine’s, my birthday, and our anniversary. But I had to be explicit with him because he has zero interest in surprises. When I buy him a present, he wants it right away and doesn’t understand what the point is of hiding it for a month until Christmas or whatever then wrapping it and having him open it at a particular time. If it’s in the house already, he wants it. But I love surprises, and now he knows. So is it that you haven’t told him what you want and instead have just said “you’re not meeting my emotional needs” (is this a phrase he’d understand, because it frankly makes no sense to me) or is it that you’ve asked him to specific things, like “when I’m talking through something that’s difficult for me, I need your full attention. If you’re looking at your phone, or around the room, it feels to me like you don’t care.” If you’re asking for specifics and he’s not giving them, then I think you two just won’t work (doesn’t make him a bad person, just not the person for you).
Bonnie
My p
Bonnie
My post disappeared so trying again. It sounds to me like your recent problems are coloring your view here. Your boyfriend did get you a gift and remembers the day despite your argument. Many guys are not good gift givers or, like my DH, don’t like sending flowers because they want to see the gift. With your thoughts on the relationship, you probably would have been disappointed in anything he did.
Homestar
He got you something, which I think means he was trying. Also, you should tell him what you want if you have something specific in mind. My SO is the type that needs to be told: it would be nice if you could get me this, here is where you can order it, and wow, look, valentine’s day is coming up! Then, I get what I want, I am happy, and he is happy that I am happy.
Overall, though, your problems sound like they may go deeper than just being disappointed in a valentine’s day gift. If he can’t meet your emotional needs, that is a major issue. And if he can’t commit to finding a way to meet them, then that isn’t good for the long-term prospects of the relationship.
You’ve already tried the 5 love languages, but if this is a relationship that you want to work on before giving up, consider the book His needs/Her Needs.
Good luck!
Ellen
Men are so wierd some times. When I was dateing Alan, he got me something from CVS, then ate it himself. He also liked to burp after drinkeing milk. I realy don’t know what I saw in him. Certainly he did NOT turn out to be a bread winer like me. FOOEY on him and those like him!
The manageing partner gave me a copy of his insurence policy and a bunch of RIDER’s. I asked him if they could get him a RE-STATED document so I do not have to read all of these RIDER’s! But from what I can read, he is covered if the pool house is conected to the main house. He said there is a covered walkway, but I do NOT think it is appurtenant. If that is true, it is not covered unless the cover of the walkway makes a connection argument?!?
Is anyone in the HIVE familiar with this? Is this a good arguement? It IS connected by the walkway, and the walkway has a cover on it so that you don’t get wet walkeing to the pool house from the main house. HELP! I want him to win so I can go on their new boat, but they won’t buy one if they have to pay $37,500 to fix the pool house out of thier own pocket’s! FOOEY!
mamabear
Flowers and a box of chocolates? That’s a pretty nice gift, and I think one step above the “standard”, which would be one or the other.
For the record, I think valentines day sucks. It seems to be all about showing off physical evidence of your relationship status, and she who gets the biggest bouquet wins. It’s a day that makes me really happy I’m not a guy.
In any event, it’s not your birthday, it’s not Christmas (if you celebrate that) and your boyfriend did what is culturally expected of him. I think you should cut him a break.
cbackson
I also think it’s a crappy holiday. Fortunately for me, my BFF and I started a tradition in college of going out together for dinner/dessert/drinks. It started as a distraction from our singleness, but 12 years later, I totally now identify the holiday with her and not with romantic love.
We don’t live in the same city anymore, but we always send each other a Valentine’s Day card for “our special day”.
om
in theory, i agree with you ladies and think it’s a crappy holiday. but like your tradition with your bff, my mom always gave me little presents on valentine’s day when i was small and sent me cards in college and after and always called to say she loved me. i’d like to think that’s one reason i’ve never really thought that a man or romantic love is the end-all, and that love is multifacted and complex. sorry for the tangent — she passed away recently — just sharing because that’s something i’d like to do for my kids, if i ever have any — to challenge the cultural messages inundating kids these days, especially girls, and not just by directly opposing them with words. like you’ve done with your bff.
Anon
My grandmother always sent us mystery valentines. We’d get a card every year, postmarked from a different location around the country (or world) and signed “Guess who?” (postmarked from different locations because she’d send them mid-January to friends living afar, postage afixed, and ask them to drop them in the mail in time for Valentines Day).
It was sweet.
mamabear
Om, that is a sweet memory and I do similar this for my kids.
I just don’t appreciate the competition among women VD generates.
SFBayA
Amen to “showing off physical evidence,” mamabear. Instead of the diamond olympics with engagement rings, it was the floral olympics. My facebook wall was full of photos of the flowers/chocolate/fancy dinner my friends gave or received. My eyes rolled so many times they almost fell out of my head. This needs to be public why? I had a lovely valentines day with DH, but I don’t feel the need to detail it to everyone. Harumph and get off my lawn.
anon
I took comfort in knowing that the enjoyment I got on Valentine’s day was not suitable to be shown or detailed on Facebook :) I just consider all of the posted pictures of flowers and chocolates to be their loss in wasting time not experiencing the real fun of v-day!
CKB
This. My dh hates Valentine’s Day. In fact, in 18.5 years of marriage, last night was the first *real* Valentine’s day gift I’ve ever received, and the first time we’ve ever gone out for dinner (not lunch) on the actual day (and even that was more coincidence because the kids have a couple days off school & are staying with my parents so we were on our own for dinner & taking advantage). I think he got me a small tin with 2 or 3 chocolates for our first V-day, when we were very poor students. And I’ve only ever received flowers twice for our anniversary. However, he makes much more of an effort for Christmas & my birthday. And he does so much more on other days of the year to show me that he loves me, that I don’t hold the fact that he never buys me flowers against him. Maybe your bf is the same as my dh and, as other posters have said, you are holding your fight against him?
Brant
IDK, what’d he get you last year? If flowers + chocolate is a step up, then appreciate it.
LawyrChk
I’m right there with you. DH cooked dinner and lit a candle on the dinner table, but that was it. No card, flowers, or really anything. I was a little disappointed but don’t know what to say (if anything) at this point without seeming kind of shallow. I surprised him with a card and chocolate first thing in the morning yesterday.
TO Lawyer
I kind of feel the same way today but it’s partly my fault. My SO is totally not sentimental and not a gift guy at all but he acknowledged the day (through a text message) which to be perfectly honest, was more than I was expecting.
Then I started to feel inadequate because of everything my friends’ fiances and boyfriends did for them. And when we started dating, I mentioned I was uncomfortable with romantic gestures because of an ex (including flowers) so yesterday he said he was going to send me flowers but didn’t because he didn’t think I’d like them.
So to be perfectly honest, not sure if I can help but I think v-day is just one of those days where no one can really win. There are too many expectations and even if your expectations are met, there are still always others who will flaunt flowers/gifts/engagement rings that make you feel slightly inadequate even though it’s not necessarily what you want…
rosie
I don’t really understand how gifts ranks low for you, but this is that upsetting. I agree with LilyB that you should separate this from your feelings about the relationship overall.
My husband likes to give amazing, heartfelt gifts, so he’ll buy something when he has the idea to get it for me (or his dad, brother, etc.–this is how he gifts) and save it for the next gift-giving event. That means that if it’s time for a gift and he hasn’t had any ideas of things that are worth giving lately, there’s no gift. I grew up going on shopping trips before Hannukah and doing lots of advanced gift-giving planning, and I still do, but I’ve gotten used to his style. Also, I always give cards, and he never gives cards, but I appreciate that he likes receiving the cards from me and saves them.
Equity's Darling
Hi hive, I just got back from Barcelona, and it was delightful! I think the highlight was the barca v. getafe game, or carnelstaltes, or the miro foundation, or pedrera, or my paella cooking class, montserrat, or the gothic quarter, or…the food? I ate xurros and xocolata for like 2 meals every day. I love xurros. I think I need to go back when the weather is warmer, I feel like part of the charm of the city might be better when it’s hot.
So, question- My seatmate on the flight from london was this super attractive guy, we chatted for most of the flight, and he was so funny and easy to talk to, we had a ton in common. Great guy. We were going to share a taxi, since we live in neighbouring neighbourhoods, but my suitcase was lost so I had to deal with that, and we sort of got separated going through customs, etc.
Regardless, during our conversation, it came up that he bartends and where he works. I sort of want to…track him down? But that’s crazy, right? It’s a place that I went to once or twice during law school. I’m obviously seeking him with…intentions , but, truly, he was just so easy to talk to (and really, I could use more friends who aren’t lawyers in my city…when I say more, I mean one…I need one non-lawyer friend). But it don’t want to be crazy, or come off crazy, though it is perhaps, sort of crazy.
Em
I know someone who married her seatmate on a plane – I say go for it!
Suzer
My cousin married the guy who sat next to her at the gate . . . . I second the go for it!
momentsofabsurdity
Totally not crazy! Do it! You can just happen to be at that bar with some friends, playing it cool, and then WHOA LOOK remember me? How random!
Equity's Darling
It’s a bar/restaurant…? And it’s not really in an area of the city that my friends would be at (it’s not a bad area, it’s actually a nice area, but residential and more family oriented), though one friend does live in the area…and I could totally sweet talk her into it, she LOVES things like this.
momentsofabsurdity
But he doesn’t know that — for all he knows, you hang out in that area all the time. I definitely agree with the advice below – go, bring a wing woman and sit at the bar. You can always play it cool and be like “Oh so crazy to see you here! I forgot that you worked here — my friend Jane suggested this place, she lives nearby!” if he seems weirded out.
a.
OMG. Lady. Do it. You have nothing to lose, except maybe, worst case scenario, an awkward 45 minutes of your life. Which in the grand scheme of things, is nothing. Good luck with this gentleman!
Homestar
This, this, this.
Nonny
Agreed. Totally awesome and now we will all be waiting for the next installment of your story! :-)
SFBayA
Yes, do it!
just Karen
+1000
Sydney Bristow
Do it! I think that by him saying specifically where he works, it was implied that he’d like to see you there sometime. Have fun!
TO Lawyer
Please do it. If I lived in Calgary, I’d totally come with you because it just sounds like it could end up being an awesome story.
LilyB
What do you have to lose? If you don’t try, you’ll probably never see him again and won’t get the opportunity to let it happen “naturally”. And if he thinks you’re crazy or weird, you’ll probably never see him again so who cares?
TBK
DO IT! Bring a wingwoman, so if he’s not there you can still casually have a drink, but DO IT!
Sweet as Soda Pop
Go for it! What’s the worst that could happen? You don’t become friends? You weren’t friends before! Keep us posted!
Equity's Darling
I should add, I’m not on facebook, so we can’t find each other on there! Otherwise I’d totally go with facebook.
CKB
Totally do it! You never know – he might be hoping you come in if you guys got along so well. And if he isn’t happy to see you, it’s only one (possibly awkward) night, and you won’t spend the next few months wondering “what if?”
eek
Oh my god it’s a Nora Ephron movie!!!!
Anon
You want it to stay a Nora Ephron movie though, and not last week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother.
Equity's Darling
Haha, you all have convinced me! If the hive says it’s not crazy, then it must be fine, I mean, collectively we’re generally pretty prudent. If he finds me creepy, c’est la vie I suppose?
How am I supposed to know what nights he works though? I guess weekends are a safe bet? Is it weird to call and ask what days he works so I don’t spend a week going there for dinner every night? I’m probably overthinking this…
And I called the friend who lives near there, she’s totally in. She loves “love” and it’s related pursuits, so I knew she’d say yes.
anon
Oh gosh I do not think you should call. I am honestly surprised by all the enthusiasm for this idea. The drop by the bar is fine but if I met a guy and he called my work to find out when I worked and then came by I’d have red flags going like whoa.
Equity's Darling
I had a guy hunt me down and call me at work (thanks law firm profile!)…I actually found it really flattering and we dated for a while, though I thought he was cute in the first place when I met him. And I still think he’s a good guy, just not for me.
Fair enough though, no call, I guess I’ll just for for the random weekend evening drop-in.
MB
Hmmm. Maybe call on the day you are planning to go and casually ask if X is working tonight? If not, you could say, “oh, do you know the next time he’s in?” This sounds more casual than calling and asking for his schedule for the week.
But, I would definitely go and say hello. As an added bonus, you get to try a new place and have some drinks and dinner with a girlfriend.
Merri
Or ask when you get there. Ask whoever is working, “Hey – I just remembered this cool guy I met on a plane works here. So random! Do when would be a good time to catch him and say hi?”
Anon
See other Anon’s comment above, and watch last week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother. Just stop by and let the fates decide whether he will be there or not!
Michelle
Second knowing someone who married a seat mate on a flight… Go for it!
Anonyhoo
How about if he’s not there when you drop by you leave him a note with the manager describing who you are and letting him no how to reach you. Keep us posted and good luck!
Divaliscious11
I met a guy on a plane, he mentioned where he bartender, I showed up, and we had a great time for several months! Go for it!
BorderLawyer
Who’s got hangover cures for those of us that, ahem, celebrated Valentine’s Day a little too enthusiastically last night and have to survive the work day?
momentsofabsurdity
Vitamin Water Revive. Yummy and also, it totally works. You do have to drink the whole bottle though.
JJ
In law school I swore by Revive. It really worked for me. Also, Advil and some carbs (pick your poison with that one…I always chose pancakes or bagels). Recently I’ve converted to pho as a cure.
And I feel compelled to share: whenever I think I’ve over-indulged at night, right before bed I always drink an entire bottle or large glass of water (around 16 oz) and take some Advil. I’m usually feeling fine when I wake up in the morning.
Non Twit
Yes to all of this.
Calibrachoa
Cloudy apple juice, cold. Gets a ton of vitamins and hydration into you and it’s the perfect blend of sweet and tart to alleviate nausea.
Bonnie
Watered down Gatorade and a bagel with butter.
Irregular
Watered down Gatorade and a bagel with butter.
a.
Giant orange juice + plain bagel with egg, ham, and swiss cheese. Never fails me.
Miss Behaved
Take an early lunch and have a grilled cheese or a cheeseburger with a hair of the dog (preferably, beer or hard cider)
Blue
Tons of water and some kind of food that is super salty. I know salty food is the opposite of what should work, but for me it’s somehow magical.
Sydney Bristow
My go to in college was a McDonald’s cheeseburger, fries, and a sprite. Worked every time.
HSAL
YES! Except substitute Coke for Sprite. Fountain Coke is my hero.
eek
water, greasy food, more booze (seriously), aspirin or advil/akla seltzer, vitamin c, vitamin b-complex, carbon. Some research suggests prickly pear extract. Do not take acetaminophin. Most hangover cures are untested and proven.
eek suggestion: Ask a college student :)
BorderLawyer
Thanks everyone! I drank some Revive and ate a bagel and am feeling better, if not particularly productive…
Lucky Mag
For some unknown reason Lucky Mag has started coming in my mail, so I’ve been browsing through it. In the work section, it has a picture of a woman in a neon striped short suit with a hot pink turtleneck. She’s decked out with tacky over-sized jewelry and is carrying a cobalt handbag with marabou pom poms on it. It urges “How to make a playful short-suit work for work: Team it with a solid turtleneck and structured bag.”
You ladies weren’t kidding about how appalling this magazine is.
HSAL
Lucky is the devil. I won’t be renewing my subscription when it’s up. I can’t decide if it’s gotten terrible or if I’m just getting old. Seriously, who wears those things?
PollyD
I’m old and I think Lucky is awesome, awesomely hilarious. I read it as if it were a dispatch from a strange and foreign culture. Actually, I read a lot of women’s fashion magazines that way, but the Lucky culture is definitely the most bizarre to me.
To be fair, even though I agree that their idea of work attire is just crazy, I have gotten some ideas for putting together things I already own in new ways. And sometimes their articles on where to shop in different cities have interesting information. But I do read most of it like it’s fiction.
I remember they used to do articles on people’s homes, I guess these were the precursor of the late lamented Domino. I liked those.
Blonde Lawyer
I love the show Spy on Hulu. I think it is a British show. Anyway, one of the lead intelligence agents is always in a baggy short suit and it drives me INSANE.
Legally Brunette
I used to like some of the features, but their workwear is the absolute worst! I think this is the reason why so many of my peers (late 20’s) have no idea what is appropriate professional workwear. Most fashion magazines’ “business” clothes are not appropriate for conservative professions (ie Instyle suggestion ways to wear a cartoon tee to work), but Lucky is one of the worst.
Irregular
Good morning hive! I have a j crew shopping question: I am thinking of buying a suit jacket (super 120s pinstripe) that’s on sale, plus the 30% of sale items, for a steal of a deal. However, no matching pieces are also on sale. Has anyone had success buying one piece on sale and waiting for another to get discounted? Or should I buy the skirt full price? Any advice/experience would be very appreciated!
roses
Have you looked on Ebay for the matching piece? You might also get lucky and find it on a sale post at jcrewaficionada. Otherwise, J Crew tends to keep their suiting pieces around for quite a while, so you could wait to see if it goes on sale but just buy at full price if it doesn’t and not have to worry about them taking it off of the site.
HSAL
Is it final sale/non-returnable? I’d probably play it safe and buy the skirt full price, but I’m not super familiar with JCrew suiting.
Cat
Go for it if you are looking for black or dark navy. Caution against the grays. I tried to buy the allora dress that matched my gray super 120s and it was lighter – different dye lot, different year.
Shoe Q -- Taryn Rose and Aquitalia
OK, I can’t spell that last one. I have feet that are recovering from a toe injury. I cannot wear shoes now without both lowish heels and significant padding in them (so those cute Ferragamos are acutely painful now, even though they are well-made, all-leather, etc.). And yet I have a corporate office job where I just cannot get away with wearing medical clogs now that I am mostly mended (great, still wear on weekends, but not so good with a suit). These seem to have good reviews and seem to be upmarket versions of Easy Spirit (which just closed my local store – waah). Any suggestions before firing away on a large Zappos order?
Tuesday
I have one pair of Taryn Rose flats. They took a little breaking in, so may not be good for this situation. They weren’t bad the first couple of times I wore them, but they weren’t comfortable either. If you’re using Zappos, though, I say just order and try because the returns are easy enough.
Yellow
I love my Aquatalia boots. I have knee high suede pairs with about a 3 in heel in brown and black and I love them. They’re the only shoes I can wear all day and into the night without having any discomfort at the end of the night.
Anon
I have a pair of Taryn Rose and find that they are comfortable during the day, but my feet are tired by the end of the day. I would not say they are well-padded.
k-padi
I have two pairs of Aquaitalia shoes: boots and booties. Love them both. Wear them almost exclusively and they are going strong 6 months later.
mamabear
Those are both good brands, though i understand the actual Taryn Rose sold her brand and the quality has gone down a bit.
If you want a work shoe without toe flexibility check out the dansko reeny. It’s clunky but cute.
Lyssa
Does anyone watch “Suits” on USA? I seriously love that show, although it’s completely ridiculous.
Anyhow, the s3xpot attorney from the other firm (Katrina, I think), towards the end, was wearing this dress that I just loved. It was black, long or 3/4 sleeved, and had this sort of bronze stripe going down the middle and on each side, and some short vertical stripes around the waist. It sounds odd, but it looked both fierce and completely work appropriate. (shocking, for a TV lawyer) Anyone seen anything like it?
(She says, while pretending that the Kohl’s dress featured today isn’t pretty much at the top of her price range for clothes shopping right now.)
Calibrachoa
I love Suits! it is ridiculous but oh I do swoon at the scenery. (and chemistry.) haven’t seen the latest yet but will kep an eye out for that dress, sounds awesome.
L
I love that show. No ideas on the dress, but I’ll gladly do some digging.
Legally Brunette
No idea about the dress (on Scotty, not Katrina), but I also love Suits! I do have two complaints: 1. Their clothing is often too “sexy” to be office appropriate (imo). 2. Last night they kept saying LSATs and it was driving me crazy!!!! The word is singular, dammit! A few weeks ago someone said that “Rachel passed the LSAT” which also drives me crazy. They should hire me as a legal consultant!
LOL
At first, I was like, oh? what’s wrong with “passed the LSAT”? and then I remembered there is no “passing,” but maybe it made sense to me because I had a threshold score I wanted to get and that to me, is “passing.”
lawsuited
TGIF. I am having a tough time adjusting to taking the heat for every mistake ever made on a file (by current staff, previous staff or a previous lawyer). It’s exhausting!
Leigh
Got a text this morning that my dog died yesterday. My Mom took her in to get spayed (she was pretty young 5 or 6) yesterday, and Holly died when they got home.
My Dad bought her for me to ‘replace’ my other dog that passed when I was away at college. She lived with my Mom, since my Dad passed away, and Holly was all she had at home with her. This week has sucked. Just 8 more hours of work to plow through….ugh.
momentsofabsurdity
Oh, I’m so so so so so sorry. That’s awful. Can you take the rest of the day off? The fact that since you weren’t there/not living at home doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to take time to grieve.
Leigh
Unfortunately no, I can’t leave. I have limited time off because of a larger vacation that we have planned (that can’t be changed at this point), so I’m trying to save my small amount of time in case I get sick. Just trying to keep my mind off of it. It’s just a double blow since this is one of the last ‘things’ ‘I had from my Dad. Gosh it sucks.
LE Lawyer
I’m so sorry for both the loss of your dog and the loss of one more tie to your dad. I lost my dad a couple years ago, and have found myself treasuring things that have memories of him more than I ever did before. We had to get a new wireless router, and I seriously had to make myself throw out the old one that he’d set up for me rather than saving it. Obviously that’s nothing compared to losing a dog. I don’t have any suggestions because I’m still learning to cope as well, but wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
JJ
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Having it occur so unexpectedly can’t help. I hope you take some time to grieve this weekend and hopefully get to spend some time with your mom.
anon in tejas
I am so sorry Leigh. I know how tough the loss of a pet can be, and it sounds like it is more than that. Hang in there, keep your head down, and take a break to get a good cry in. That helps me when I am really upset, getting the feelings out and expressing them helps me feel a little better.
wintergreen126
I’m so sorry! Losing a dog is hard, and I’ll be keeping you and your mom in my thoughts.
a.
I am so, so sorry. Losing a beloved pet is never easy.
KinCA
I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through that this past summer (my beloved childhood dog died relatively unexpectedly; he was older, so I knew it was coming at some point but it still happened so quickly) and it’s the absolute worst.
I took a few minutes to myself to go cry in the bathroom and then told a few close friends/coworkers what happened. Having them there to give me a hug and tell me how sorry they were helped more than I thought it would. And then I kept myself really busy until I could go home and curl up on the couch with a glass of wine.
Again, my condolences.
Ekaterin Nile
How terrible! I’m so sorry for your loss.
Ella
I’m so so sorry. I am tearing up at work over this.
Leigh
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I’ve made it through so far without crying too much. Today is my Mom’s birthday, so we’ll be going to her house for cake…I’m not looking forward to that.
LawChick
TJ- narrow dress shoes
Anyone have suggestions for where I can find narrow dress shoes/pumps? I’m in desperate need of them for work, but have a hard time finding any that are narrow enough (and don’t look like old lady shoes) to stay on my feet.
Thanks!
Shoe Q -- Taryn Rose and Aquitalia
Stuarts run narrow and then come in narrows.
Pre-crushed toes, I was all about the narrows. Easy spirit can have them, too, depending on your price range.
anon
zappos.com
SFBayA
Stuart Weitzman and Ferragamo both come in narrow.
Anon
Second on the Ferragamos. But it depends on where you are. I walked into one store that only carries “wides” (their “C”).
Squirrely
Talbots run narrow in general and they also carry narrow shoes. I wear a AA and adore Talbots. For durability & comfort, they easily compare to Weitzmans, plus they’re always having some kind of sale.
qwerty
I’m a fellow narrow footed lady, but i don’t shop specifically for shoes marked “narrow.” I’ve found that most european sized shoes (37, 38) tend to run narrower and truer to my size than US sized shoes. I do pretty well with gucci, marc by marc jacobs, MIA (all from dsw). In these brands, always wear a 38.5 size — the brands convert this size to anything between a U.S. 7.5 and a 9.5, it’s ridiculous but when I see 38.5 size shoes online I have a good sense of how they will fit me.
i also do pretty well by going half or a full size down from my usual size in tory burch, cole haan and j.crew.
i cannot ever wear shoes by nine west, naturalizer, aerosoles. they always run wide and long (even when i’ve tried their narrow styles)
this is also a bit ridiculous, but i do very well in vintage shoes, so i always keep an eye out and have found some gorgeous vintage styles in pristine condition and perfectly appropriate for work and formal wear.
MB
J. Crew shoes are very narrow. I love them, but I have wide feet and we do not get along at all. Not saying I haven’t tried to force my feet into some pairs wicked stepsister style (looking at you patent Valentina and t-strap Everly), but generally, they run on the narrow side. Especially the Monas.
L
Pregnancy Related TJ – I’m full term and due this month, trying not to freak myself out over labor and the fact that we will then be responsible for our little guy! So for all of the moms on the board, what is the one thing you wish you had known before going into labor and bringing a baby home? (Or more than one thing, if you feel so inclined!) Thanks in advance! :)
anon
Totally cliche, but true: just relax and enjoy every moment, it goes by so quickly. Also, you never really have things figured out. Once you feel that you do, the phase passes and it all changes.
CKB
My go-to advice for new moms is: trust your instincts & do what is right for your family. There are very, very few absolute right & wrong ways to do things when you’re a parent. If everyone is safe & it works for you, then go for it. Don’t let anyone else convince you that you’re doing it wrong.
CKB
A couple more:
1. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. I always made a point of showering and getting dressed in clothes every day because it made me feel more human & like myself. It was really important to me and I believe made me a better mother.
2. Its OK to let your baby just cry sometimes. If you need that shower, put him in his crib, or his carseat on the floor of the bathroom, or somewhere else he will be safe, and have the shower. Don’t feel guilty. I had 2 colicky babies, and sometimes I needed a little break so I’d put him in his crib, and go on the back step outside. I could hear him crying, but because he was crying I knew he was alive & OK, and took the couple minutes in the fresh air I needed before facing him again.
3. Allow dad to do things his way with the baby. Sure, it may not be the way YOU swaddle, or rock, or diaper, or whatever, but as long as the job gets done it doesn’t really matter, and letting him do things his way shows that you have confidence in his abilities and also helps build that important father-child relationship. This was a hard one for me, but I’m glad I made the effort to bite my tongue & let it go once I realized how much it hurt him to second guess everything he did.
Good luck! And remember – as your child grows, so does your parenting ability. It’s a learning process, like anything in life.
V
#3 all the way.
Lyssa
Supplementing with formula is OK.
I guess I knew that before, and the hospital actually did from the start (his sugars were low at first), but I didn’t realize what a big difference it would make when I stopped trying to make sure that I was feeding everytime I could to try to “keep up the supply” and just let him have bottles every other feeding or so. He seemed so much more satisfied and it didn’t seem like I was constantly, constantly struggling with feeding him rather than just getting a chance to enjoy him.
Good luck!
O.
There was a very similar question earlier this week. Sorry that I can’t specifically remember which thread it was on.
mascot
Truly practical advice for the first days in the hospital: It’s much easier to put the floppy new baby in the infant carseat while your hospital room than it is while standing on the curb, trying to adjust the straps in the blazing heat.
Really, that whole romantic picture of your being wheeled out of the hospital holding the new baby is a bit overrated.
Oh, and snacks are important. You will be starving at 4 a.m.
CKB
YES! Bring snacks to the hospital! And magazines. I love to read, but I was too hyped up on adrenaline & lack of sleep after my babies were born to read an actual book, but magazines were perfect.
EB0220
In labor and in parenthood, do what is right for you and your baby and try not to let the dissenting opinions get to you. Flexibility is key because, as anon said, just when you think you’ve got it figured it out, everything will change. It sounds totally silly, but it’s hard to describe how you change when you have a child. For me, it was like a trapdoor opened in my heart to another, vast, dimension. But that’s not something you can know in advance – and it might not happen immediately! Good luck and congrats!
SpaceMountain
Get as much advice as you can from the nurses at the hospital. They really know their stuff about babies, nursing, etc. And take lots of pictures! And have a name ready — we couldn’t decide, but they wouldn’t let us leave the hospital until we named her.
ANP
Try to shower before you go to the hospital — you don’t know when the next chance for one will be.
I wore a hospital gown only with my first but had the foresight to throw on a sportsbra and long sleeved shirt under the gown w/#2. Made me feel much more human during labor and delivery to have my own clothes on.
Rely on your partner and let him/her help you, the baby, etc.
Don’t over schedule yourselves or allow too many guests at the beginning. You’ll be tired.
Throw a few meals (or even Lean Cuisines!) in the freezer this week or next. Get a pedi if you can.
Realize you may not enjoy EVERY minute, but that having a kid is a pretty amazing thing. Good luck and congrats!
Meg Murry
Don’t let a fear of being “impolite” or “not keeping up appearances” get in the way of taking care of yourself or your baby. There is a good chance you will have a lot of visitors after the baby is born – and if you are exhausted, you don’t have to sit in the living room and entertain them, you can go take a nap. You don’t have to serve them drinks and snacks – either they can figure it out for themselves, or they’ll get the hint and leave after not too long. Develop a code phrase with your husband/mother/whoever – for me it was “I need to feed the baby now” which meant – get these people out of my living room in the next 10 minutes before I going to scream or cry or pass out in exhaustion or burst from being full of milk. People wouldn’t expect you to be a “polite hostess” for them a few days after you had your appendix out, and they shouldn’t expect it of you either a few days after having a baby.
Midwest
I really wish I’d gotten this advice before I had a kiddo. I felt like such a freak, but the family visits honestly became too much for me and I sort of forced myself to go along with it.
Sugar Magnolia
1) Have a discussion with your SO today about some baby and house-related duties he will take care of once you get home. And also talk about how you don’t know how this is going to go, but you will try your best to communicate your needs, and want him to do the same.
2) Only let a max of one person/couple/family visit per day for the first 2 weeks at home. You will want to get your feeding/diapering established when you get home and that takes time and effort.
3) When people say, “let me know if you need anything,” tell them NOW that you would love them to bring you a meal when you get home. We didn’t have anyone come over without making some request in response to their offer. Have your mom bring that pack of wipes you need. Ask your BFF to get you more ibuprofen. Have your sister bring you a magazine. People want to help you, but they need to be told what to do.
4) Remind yourself that the newborn phase can be hectic, but it lasts for a very very short time.
5) If you plan to br**stfeed, bookmark KellyMom dot com It is the go to site for BF info
L
Thanks to everyone who has offered their thoughts – I really appreciate your words of wisdom and hopefully will be able to offer my own in a few months!
To Divalicious11
Diva –
I’m the career threadjack poster from yesterday. Saw your reply this morning and appreciate the advice!
MB
I treated myself to a gel manicure for the first time last night and I’m amazed at how great it is. It is literally completely dry the moment you are finished and my nails look fantastic. I am a person that never gets manicures because I always chip it on the way home or shortly thereafter. There are no chips to be seen today and I’ve been banging these clumsy fingers around all night and morning.
The drawbacks are: limited color selection and you have to go back to have it removed. At which time, I am sure I will be suckered into getting another one and then another one and another one. It was $30 + tip. I have no idea how much standard manicures are.
MB
Posting fail. I don’t know why that’s a reply to the previous comment. :/
momentsofabsurdity
You don’t *have* to go back to get it removed. You can do it yourself at home – I do it this way:
http://athomeinthenorthwestblog.com/2012/05/how-to-remove-gel-nail-polish.html
MB
Good to know.
Divaliscious11
:-)
Merabella
Just a Vent/Maybe asking for suggestions if you have any.
Our apartment is increasing their rates AGAIN! The complex has been bought and sold like 10 times in the last 4 years since we have lived there (5 if you count that my SO lived there for a year before we moved in together). Nothing changes in the apartment complex, the rates just increase.
We are wanting to move into a house – but that is about 2 years out for saving/paying down debt, which isn’t helped by our rent being increased all the time. I’m just so annoyed with this.
Commiseration/suggestions/a giant bag full of money?
SFBayA
This happened to us, too. Last time this happened, we moved into a condo, owned by a real person who appreciated that we are wonderful tenants with boring lives who pay rent on time every time. The corporations running the apartment complexes never cared how great tenants we were, just how much more money they could squeeze out of each poorly maintained square foot. Our landlord is a really nice guy and I don’t expect he’ll raise the rent next year because he likes us and knows how hard it is to find good tenants.
nb
Yeah, second the suggestion to move to an apt or condo owned by an individual if you can. Also, if you have a good or at least decent relationship, you can at least try to negotiate rent increases when they happen. I have several friends who have changed their landlords’ minds about increasing the rent after saying hey, we’re great tenants and you like us and we don’t want to move out but this rent increase is going to be tough for us so how about you don’t? Done.
Anon
This. If you’re a good tenant, and they want you to stay, the extra $50/month is not worth a new stranger tenant who may or may not pay the rent.
Merabella
This just made it worse – they are offering new tenants $300 off their first month – we got offered a “deal” of $75 off our first months rent in the new lease. Obnoxious.
Praxidike
I wish this was true for me. We rent from an individual, pay on time every month, and keep the place neat and clean and tidy. He’s raised the (already exorbitant) rent every year. Just last night I told my husband that we’re not renewing the lease and that I either want to buy a house or find another place to live because I am not over paying for rent on this place for another year.
Plan B
Agree with SFBayA – can you look at condos in your area? Lots of people are renting out their condos now in lieu of selling them, since the real estate market isn’t great.
JessC
I don’t know what market you’re in, but my understanding is that in a lot of markets the cost of renting is going up. My rent went up $50/month when I renewed last August and I suspect it’ll go up again when I renew this fall.
If the rent has gone up to a point where afforability is becoming an issue, then maybe you need to consider moving. Another idea, since you said it’ll take you roughly 2 years to save the money for a downpayment, will your apartment complex let you sign a 2 year lease? As long as you’re ok with definitely staying for at least another 2 years, this way they won’t be able to raise your rent for 2 years.
Susie
Darn it, Yosemite is all booked up for the summer season. Now I have to stalk the site for cancellations.
SpaceMountain
Keep stalking the web page, and also try calling them directly on the phone. Sometimes the web page is behind. I scored last-minute rooms in the Grand Canyon yesterday for spring break.
LH
Are the tent cabins all booked up too? Its kind of bare-bones but I’m not into camping at all and I really enjoyed our stay there. Much better than staying in a slightly nicer hotel outside the park, in my opinion.
long time lurker
We stayed in the tent cabins and they were fine. Really you are outdoors so much all you do in the tent cabin is crash.
k-padi
Check Evergreen Lodge. It’s a rustic hotel just outside Yosemite. I went there in November for a long weekend and really highly recommend it.
LeeB
Did you look at Tenaya Lodge? It is right outside the park and pretty nice.
KS IT Chick
I bought the Lands End dress that was on sale a few weeks ago, in Malachite.
First, this material is amazing. It spent a week wadded up in the dryer, and the wrinkles literally fell out of it when I pulled it out and shook it.
Second, I don’t ever get the kind of compliments on my appearance that it is garnering! I threw it on because we were running late (late dinner for Valentine’s Day that included a more than advisable amount of microbrewery beer) and I needed to move fast this morning. The color is fantastic on me, and the shape accommodates the 40-year-old pudge wonderfully. And it just makes me feel good about myself.
Whoever posted it? Thank you!
meme
Can you post a link?
Merabella
I bought two of these dresses, and seriously they are the best in the world! I am tempted to buy more.
Sugar Magnolia
It was me, and I am glad everyone likes it. I kinda want to ask LE for an endorsement deal.
Link will end up in moderation, just go to Lands End and search for Ponte Knit Wrap Dress.
meme
Cole Haan comes in narrow and their normal widths run somewhat narrow.
tenant
Can a landlord ever kick you out of place for not liking you? I get the feeling that my landlord does not like me and thinks I am high maintence ( a lot of thinkgs have broken and he was entering to fix/adjust stuff without my permission or telling me) I am month to month since mylease expired and we never got info about renewing it or anything. I’ve lost my job and since I am paranoid about money, and wondering if he could ever say “you have to move in 60 days” just to get a new tenant
momentsofabsurdity
Yep – if you don’t have a lease and are month to month, with appropriate notice in your state, a landlord can kick you out for almost any reason, I think, as long as it’s not due to you being a member of some protected class.
Blonde Lawyer
Depends on the state. My old state, where I own property allows me to have a month-to-month tenant and request that she leave with thirty days notice for any reason. My current state allows small time landlords (renting out the house you couldn’t sell) to do the same but does not allow commercial landlords to do this. Commercial landlords need a cause to remove a tenant, even a month to month one – such as unpaid rent, loud and obnoxious, etc. You need to check your state’s laws. A quick google search should give you some kind of housing law guide for your state.
tenant
Thank you! I am in DC and that gives me peace of mind- it looks like it would have to go through an eviction process.
Cali CPA
It might even depend on the city. My city has its own very strict laws and the landlord has to have a reason to kick you out.
LeChouette
I believe this has been covered before, but does anyone have recommendations for a manhattan therapist who specifically deals with young professionals / professional career issues (i.e. direction, getting over setbacks, stress management)?
Anon
Second… I am looking!!
Susie
I haven’t been to Kohls in a long time but this dress is cute! (But yeah, I wouldn’t really call it an animal print.) The “More to consider” dresses are nice too, would the actual stores have a similar selection? I don’t recall there being very many dresses in store but it has been a while.
NDR
I find that the website usually has more options, especially size-wise. And the stores are a little too crowded/jumbly for my tastes. Plus, I like all the ways you can filter your results online. I usually order a bunch of stuff/sizes online and return to the stores. They are very cool about returns and exchanges.
BTH
I like this dress and the price! Does anyone have experience with this brand re: fit, quality? I get that, for this price point, the quality’s not going to be great, but comparable to Target or JC Penney at least?
anon in tejas
I’ve gotten a few dresses from Kohls. I would say that it’s good quality for the price. I’ve had dresses that were wash and wear, and I did wash and wear. They started to pill after a few months, but very cute prints and dresses. I would say similar quality to JC Penney, but better price. and I think that better quality than Target. However, you may have to return. I’ve always gone in store (tried like 12 dresses and bought 2).
gov anon
Definitely comparable quality-wise to Target. Maybe even a little better. I haven’t shopped at Penney’s in awhile, but probably comparable.
eeyore
I made an appointment with my PCP to talk about antidepressants. I’m scared and scared that I’ll chicken out and not end up asking her about it. I know everyone here is very meds-positive, I’m already in therapy, but I’m just so sad (I couldn’t stop crying this morning so called out sick at my internship). I’m also too embarrassed to talk to anyone IRL about this. No question, just trying to hold myself accountable somehow.
Merri
I’m not sure where your fear comes from, but if you like your PCP, remember that she wants to help you. When I brought it up, mine passed me some tissues (I started bawling after possibly the third word I spoke in her office?), and said “let’s talk about some options.” If for some reason your PCP is resistant to the idea, ask for more information like you would during a review (what makes you say that? can you tell me more about your thought process?). Take advantage of her being the expert.
Also, be proud of yourself for taking some great first steps: you’re already in therapy, and you have an appointment to take even *better* care of yourself. I (obviously) don’t know you at all, but I think I have seen posts from you in the past, I think you are on the right track.
L
I think this was a rec from another thread (or I read it somewhere else), but right it down on a piece of paper and when you go to your dr appointment give it to your dr/nurse. Hell, print out what you posted above and hand it to them.
There is nothing wrong with getting help for a medical condition. And anyone who makes you feel that way is an a**.
Blonde Lawyer
When you made the appointment did you say it was to discuss antidepressants? If so, your doc should bring it up even if you don’t. If you didn’t, you can call back and say, “please note in my chart I want to talk about antidepressants just in case I forget to bring it up.” Also, if it is so bad that it is affecting your work or school life, you should tell the booking person how urgent this is and they might be able to get you a same day appointment like if you had an infection. I know people roll their eyes at this but I really want to offer you an internet hug so ((((((( hugs )))))))).
Merabella
Write down a list of questions on a piece of paper. I always do this regardless of what I’m going in for, mostly to make sure that I remember all the things that I want to ask – partly because I get white coat syndrome and choke on all my questions.
I believe most times the anxiety about thinking what might happen is always so much worse then the actual outcome. Just take a deep breath and when she asks “What are you here for today?” you look at your piece of paper and just ask.
Sugar Magnolia
(((Eeyore))) So sorry to hear you have been going through this. If you reach out to friends IRL, you will be surprised to find out how many of them have been or are in therapy. Heck, when I told my friends I have post-partum depression/anxiety issues, one of them even asked for the name of therapist she could see.
My point is that you are not alone!
Marci
Thanks for the post about the dress! I have a Kohl’s down the road but I never have luck with getting what I want in store. I ordered it in the black/white/gray. I figured I could have almost endless fun with shoe colors and jackets/sweaters that way. :)