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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 363 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Asymmetrical Waist Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Asymmetrical Waist Sheath DressWhat a great-looking dress from Armani — the neckline is just wide enough to be flattering without overly revealing, and that asymmetrical detail is polished and interesting while also being camouflaging. I even like the “volcanic rose” color. Gorgeous. It's $645 at Nordstrom. Asymmetrical Waist Sheath Dress Looking for similar options? This $108 faux wrap sheath dress has been a reader favorite for years; this plus-size dress with asymmetrical features comes in rose and cobalt, and this gray faux wrap dress in plus sizes is 50% off. Tech Update: We're aware of the problem with the Reply button on mobile and are working on it — thank you so much for your patience! Note that you can always switch to Desktop View on mobile, which may be a viable workaround. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Anyone have suggestions for comfortable, affordable casual dresses for tall (almost 6′) women? I’m in my mid-30s now with a kid and am realizing that most of the dresses I own are too short and/or twee for my current stage of life. Old Navy talls have been a staple for me but I think they’ve shortened their hemlines recently because the last few dresses I ordered were too short. Boden doesn’t fit me well.

  2. Anon

    My dear cousin just got engaged to a man she’s been dating for two years. His family is pretty fundamentalist Christian and he is ex-Christian himself. They just found out that his father and grandparents are a) not happy about the engagement and b) being childish and passive aggressive about it (silent treatment). They’re “disappointed in their choices” for living together before marriage. This has obviously cast a cloud over the excitement of the engagement. I told my cousin i’d post here for advice because I know I’ve seen advice for dealing with extremely religious parents over the years. Can anyone recommend any books or resources?

    • Anonymous

      My church (Whiskeypalian) won’t marry people who don’t’ have some sort of pastoral or social worker / psychologist couples counseling, esp. when there are start family-of-original religious differences or prior divorces or prior children. It’s just to make sure that the couple starts having a dialogue of “we” over how will we deal with these issues, how do we support each other, how do we put our new family unit ahead of the families we came from (esp. when non-supportive). A big topic: how will we raise the children; what holidays we we celebrate, what church will we go to?

      And maybe this will help the fiance will be able to deal with any family-of-origin grief b/c this has to be very hard on him.

      • Kat in VA

        I am of no help but “Whiskeypalian” earned me a snort of tea through my nose. Bravo!

      • Nesprin

        The greatest thing about the silent treatment is you don’t need to engage with the upset relatives. The best thing your friend can do is ignore it, and be hurt and angry behind closed doors.

    • Anonymous

      Well, obviously? Did they not see this coming? Of course they aren’t happy. They need to not have contact with these people. There’s no way to deal with them.

      • Anon

        They knew his parents weren’t happy because she “wasn’t Christian,” but his mom came around to her (“now I’ll have a daughter!”) and they never imagined receiving silent treatment about news of an engagement from both the father and grandparents. There’s a difference between knowing they don’t approve and having them be so rude and obvious about it.

    • MagicUnicorn

      This is sad, but we had to cut off all contact with my fundamentalist “Christian” family after suddenly waking up to just how controlling and manipulative they had been. Life has been surprisingly stress-free since then. I do not regret it one bit.

    • Anonymous

      Um… as a conservative Christian myself, I’d put in a plea that we’re not some strange group that needs to be “dealt with” via tips from a book. Truth is, the couple and the family have different beliefs. The family believes it’s not OK to live together before marriage.
      That’s OK for them to believe. It’s NOT OK for them to be passive aggressive and childish about it. Of course they’re disappointed in their son’s choices; it violates their beliefs. Again, not OK not be relationally healthy in communicating this.
      Neither is it OK for the engaged couple to be passive aggressive and childish.
      I’d suggest kindness and generosity all around, but there may not be much the engaged couple can do to shift family dynamics in the months leading up to the wedding.

      • Anonymous

        Are you kidding with this? They do need to be dealt with because they are giving their son and his fiancée the silent treatment.

        • Anonymous

          Her post was kind and reasonable. Remove the log from your own eye before going at the (made up) mote in her’s.

          • Anonymous

            I think Anon may have been referring to the line about the OP’s cousin being passive aggressive and childish. There is nothing in the original post to suggest they were handling the family passive aggressively.

      • Anonymous

        Even if they were merely garden-variety Catholic, my friends’ experience has been that living together before marriage is still officially frowned upon (to the point of having to lie to the priest about it or not be married). It’s a thing some people have. But not everyone who believes this behaves awfully towards people making different choices (and it seems like that is the big issue here).

      • cbackson

        Yeah, I think this is right. The issue isn’t their beliefs, it’s how they’re dealing with that difference in belief. If they’re going to try to talk this through, that’s what they have to focus on.

    • Panda Bear

      I can’t recommend any books or resources, but can empathize. I left a fundamentalist Christian religion as well, and my family similarly never approved of my relationship and subsequent marriage. Or any of my life choices, really! I’m afraid I have to somewhat agree with comment from anonymous at 9:04; it may sound a little flippant, but in my personal experience, it’s true that there are some family members I’ve just never been able to ‘deal’ with. No contact has been the only option, and honestly it’s kind of liberating to have people like that out of your life. But it doesn’t necessary mean it will or will always be that way for your cousin. Some people do come around. My best advice is for them to share their excitement and happiness with the friends and family who treat them well, and not waste their emotional energy trying to change the people in their lives who are behaving badly.

    • anon

      The twitter hashtag #exvangelical has a lot of stories and resources from people in similar situations. Congratulations and good luck to your cousin.

    • Anonymous

      This sounds so hard. Cousin should focus on how she can be supportive to fiance. She can complain about his family to her friends, but when it comes to him, try to not let her frustration with them overshadow his.

      The fact that mom is on board is huge. She’s excited to have a daughter! Go get mani pedis. Include her in wedding planning things (as cousin sees fit). Do whatever she can to be warm and welcoming to this woman. Mom may be able to prevail upon the grandparents and dad. But even if she doesn’t, they will know that cousin is really trying with mom. I think it’s very easy to judge someone from a distance; it’s a lot harder to judge someone who’s being kind to your loved ones.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        So my in-laws are conservative catholics and we had a similar problem (they were upset that we lived together before marriage; they were superficially happy about engagement but became furious when they realized we were not going to marry in church, even though their son left the faith wayyy before he met me). We expected this of course, but not to this extent – DH had hope that they would be happy for him and respect his choices, I had hope that they would acknowledge that I am not a terrible choice as a wife even if I’m not catholic. Neither of those things really happened. It was honestly really, really hard – they criticized everything we did and while they did not cause a scene at the wedding, they weren’t exactly warm and fuzzy about it either. I think the best thing your cousin can do is have a solid plan of attack with her fiance – how much say do they get about the wedding, will they be there and/or involved at all, are they paying for anything and does this give them control, what do you do if your great uncle pretends to bring a + 1 and actually brings the family priest in the hopes of a quick surprise blessing (true story).
        This is the ultimate test in defining your values as a new family. In our case, our relationship was ultimately strengthened, but it wasn’t without bumps in the road, and it really created a divide between DH and his family, which I of course feel guilty about, even though it’s hardly my fault. I will be superficially polite with them at family events but it’s pretty clear we will never be close and I don’t want them to have any control whatsoever over my future children.
        Basically, there isn’t much to do about them expect calmly but firmly proceeding, trying to explain what their values are while recognizing they may be entirely unable to understand, and making sure her fiance is OK with potential consequences.

        • Torin

          I agree with this. Cousin/fiance should just plan the wedding they want to have, and calmly include the passive aggressive family to the extent they’re comfortable and no further. E.g., I allowed my passive aggressive mother zero input in the planning, but invited her to the rehearsal and the wedding. She said she wasn’t coming, then showed up, acted weird, and left early, and I tried my hardest not to let it bother me. You can’t control how other people are going to act; you can only control how much you let them ruin it for you.

    • anon

      How long have they lived together? My family is not fundamentalist, but my father had a really hard time when my now DH and I moved in together. He acted childish and gave me the silent treatment. After about 6 months he finally came around. A few years later, he happily paid for our wedding (which I was not expecting).

      Not sure what my point is except that maybe they’ll come around. If they don’t, they aren’t worth pursuing a relationship with. Your cousin and her fiance have to decide whether they are ok with because he is put in the unfortunate position of having to choose.

    • Anonymous

      At a certain point in life, you’ve got to just stop caring about what your parents think of your choices. Hopefully this happens before you get married, but for some, getting married forces the issue. Your cousin and her fiancé just have to get on the same team and make decisions together. Things like “but my parents” shouldn’t enter into the calculus and they need to start that immediately. Religion isn’t only one of many things parents and children will have different views on. I guess I’m saying in a nicer ways your cousin just needs to grow up. She has a teenager problem and she needs to be an adult.

    • Anonymous

      If someone is a fundamentalist, or even if they just really, truly believe in all of the teachings, understand that they’re going to be unhappy because they see the couple as sinners who are going to hell. Many people are more liberal/forgiving because they don’t truly believe everything the church says, which doesn’t seem to be how that family operates except for maybe the mother. They’re probably truly upset about the choices not because it’s merely something they dislike, but because they fear the wrath of God. There’s no way that they’re going to be happy or accepting about what they see as a situation where their loved ones’ immortal souls are in peril or whatever. It may be that after the wedding they can come around if they think the people have repented or talked to a priest or whatever may placate them, because God forgives and they’ll no longer actively be sinning. It’ll take time.

    • Anon

      I dealt with a very similar situation with my parents. In this case, I’m the ex-Christian and I married someone who was also not religious. My father didn’t really speak to me after we moved in together and my family almost didn’t come to the wedding. The marriage didn’t work out for many reasons, but the family situation certainly didn’t help. I desperately wanted my parents’ approval, which obviously was not going to happen. On top of this, my ex-husband made dealing with my family really really hard on me, basically trying to maneuver me into cutting contact with them when that was not at all helpful to where I was at the time.

      Ironically, my relationship with my parents vastly improved between my first and second marriages. The key was making it clear that I love them but that I am not taking their opinions into account when making decisions about my life. I realized that as long as I communicated that I wanted their approval of my choices, they felt the responsibility to tell me they disapproved. By making it clear their disapproval doesn’t matter to me, it’s almost as though I’ve freed them of the responsibility to weigh in on my choices. That change in dynamic has made all the difference in our relationship.

      What this dynamic now looks like– I don’t explain myself, I don’t go out of my way to hide things but also don’t overshare, I calmly acknowledge and then ignore any expressions of disapproval, and I don’t ask them for input on anything I’m doing that I think they’ll disagree with me on. For example, I didn’t make a big deal of moving in with my now-husband but also didn’t hide it. I just mentioned it in passing the way I would normally mention a move. They told me they disapproved, I responded yes I know you don’t approve, and then I changed the subject. Similarly for the wedding, I didn’t ask their opinions on things where I knew I wouldn’t like the answers, and they didn’t feel the need to weigh in because I clearly was going to do whatever I wanted (it helped that I didn’t need to ask them for financial help). I balance this by making it clear I love them and respect them. Respect, to me, does NOT mean doing what they want, but it does mean that I’m not rude to them, and I try to be gracious where I can (e.g., when I’m applying for a new job and they say they’ll pray for me, I thank them because I know what they’re really saying is that they care about me; I went to church with them right after my grandma’s funeral even though I am a total atheist and hate church but I knew my dad was going through a tough time and the gesture would be meaningful to him; etc.).

      It’s taken a while to get to this place, and involved years of not really talking to my parents. I say this both as encouragement that even if things are bad for a long while, they can still morph and change in an unexpectedly positive direction. I also say this because you and your partner might not have the energy or the desire to get to a better place with his parents (and who knows his parents might never get there). And you have permission from this internet stranger to decide you’re not up to making that effort. But it’s absolutely been worth it to me to figure out how to neutralize the worst parts of my parents so that I can get to enjoy the best parts of my parents. Their aging has also really crystallized this for me. I have a much stronger sense than I did 10 years ago of how finite my time with them is. That doesn’t make me willing to put up with major BS, but it does make it easier to ignore/overlook some of the more minor friction that naturally comes with having really different worldviews.

      • Anonymous

        I think this is a lovely sentiment and I realize so much of this can come with age – being confident in your own decisions and yet respectful of others. I am impressed with the way both you and your parents have navigated this.

    • Anon

      I am not sure if this reply will thread, but thanks so much to everyone for the advice on my cousin’s engagement/fundamentalist situation. This is really helpful.

    • Seventh Sister

      I have some fundamentalist relatives that tried to make my pre-marriage co-habitation into a big big family conflict. The only thing it did was make me less interested in interacting with ANY of them for anything more than the occasional Christmas card or visit.

      She needs to be on the same page as your fiance, and I recommend being assertive and direct for her own sanity (this will not endear her to these relatives but at least she can set boundaries for future behavior). They don’t want to come to the wedding because the couple is living in sin? Fine. They want to pay for a separate apartment until the marriage license is signed? No thanks, don’t feel like moving.

      The other thing that I didn’t realize going into this was that my fundamentalist relatives are actually *more* unhappy about the fact that I go to an Episcopal church than if I didn’t go to any church at all. I foolishly thought that this might be a commonality, but boy did I get an earful about how wine shouldn’t be used for Communion.

      • anon

        Ditto on the Episcopal church. It seems to confuse the fundamentalist relatives on my husband’s family even more than when they assumed I was not religious.

      • Seventh Sister

        It’s definitely a difference I hadn’t imagined growing up in a conservative rural/exurb community where nearly everyone I knew identified as Christian in the 70s and 80s. Most of the people I knew were Catholics, the snotty rich people were Episcopalian, the snotty not-as-rich people were Methodist, the hippies were Quakers, the Mormons had moved there from Utah, and the rest of us were mostly mainline Protestants with a few Jewish people.

  3. Sleep Away Camps

    Hello ladies!

    I never went to sleep away camp as a kid (my mother was a teacher, so no need to pay $ for camp when we could visit her parents on their farm). I work in a big city where a lot of my kids’ friends have started going to sleep away camp (elementary school), which often seems to be a family tradition. Some are YMCA-run sleep away camps (which are about $1000/week, which is 2x what YMCA nature camp is here and 4-5x what day camps in the YMCA building costs; non-Y camps seem to go up to 6.5K for 4 weeks). The camps sound very fun and the literature touts developing leadership and independence (and the ability to become junior counselors in the middle- and high-school years where our city’s day camp options are few but my kids still won’t be able to drive or really do any real sort of job). The kicker is that the sleep away camps are done in 2-week chunks if my oldest goes next year but then they only come in 4-week sessions.

    1. If you went to camps like this, was it sort of life-changing and worth it (FWIW, I worked at a Wal*mart type store and it definitely gave me independence and character formation; in my city, these jobs are now held more by grownups who are FT year-round employees)?
    2. This is sort of cultural, no? Like I love my friends who go and their kids are good, but it does also seem to be a bit straight out of the Preppy Handbook. Maybe not a bad thing?
    3. As a working parent with no local family, this is going to be my only kid-free time ever, so perhaps treat as OMG this could be so awesome if we did this on a light work week for me (some weeks would be busy where it would be so nice to just focus on work then w/o having to make a mad dash across my city to do the day camp pickup).
    4. I do like that many of these camps are 100% tech free. Kids write letters home. That sort of a break has to be golden esp in the tween/teen years where there seems to be So Much Drama.
    5. OMG the money, the money; it is so, so expensive (still less than day dare; do not understand how some families we know have 4 kids in private school + do camps like this in the summer).

    • Diana Barry

      FWIW, around here (BOS suburbs) the families that tend to start sending their kids to sleepaway camp early (@8-9) are culturally Jewish. Other typical 2-working-parent families send the kids to day camp with extended day.

      I never went to regular sleepaway camp, went to 3-week sleepaway algebra camp at 12 and was super homesick, then went to choir camp during HS and that was awesome (only 10 days though). My DD demanded to go to sleepaway camp (4-H camp) at age 9 last year, though – we only sent for 2 weeks because of the cost issue.

      • Anonymous

        Not Jewish and in the SEUS. My take is that Dirty Dancing was filmed near some of these camps, but they don’t seem to be catering to people who are Jewish.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, camp is A Thing for Jews, even non-religious ones. Our daughter is an infant and DH has already contacted his camp friends and told them what year she’ll be going.
        I went to educational summer camps and they were fun but it wasn’t a cult-like thing the way Jewish summer camps are.

      • Anon

        From a Boston suburb, not Jewish (and not from an area with significant Jewish influence) and loved sleepaway camp. Went to some that were run by Girl Scouts and another co-ed camp with no religious affiliation. I wish I could have gone more and if it had been in the budget I would have gladly opted to do the whole summer at camp some years. I also did day camps and day camp is just being in the hot sun all day with random activities sprinkled in. I do not have kids but if I did and it was feasible I would find a way to budget in at least 2 weeks of sleepaway camp/summer. It is some of my fondest summer memories (I can not say the same for day camp – it was fine but not the same.)

        I got to really get involved in activities like sailing (not at most day camps) and there really is a sense of independence from your parents. Also as fun as camp is there is also a great work ethic (kids do a lot of the set up/clean up for meals and activities), being a leader/example for younger kids, stepping outside your comfort zone with activities, meeting (and living with) people outside your bubble, being responsible for yourself and getting to choose your activities. I could go on.

        If you’re unsure you can always do one session and if your kids hate it then you know and look at different options for next year. But I hope they love it (and I think most kids who go do!)

        • Anon

          Also to add – learned all about Jewish summer camp from a college roommate and my impression is it is mostly exactly the same with a splash of religion. She would be even more pro camp than me.

    • Anonymous

      I went to an all girls’ sleepaway camp, and it was absolutely life changing for me. It’s where I developed leadership skills. It’s where I figured out who I am because I got a break from school, where my identity was already formed. All girls was awesome because it was a break from all of the pressure to impress. I loved it sooo much. Some of my friends from camp are still my friends. I know it’s expensive, but it was worth it to me.

      I would think even more so now with tech.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I went to an all girls’ sleepaway camp for 9 years as a camper (4 weeks each summer) and worked as a junior counselor one summer. It was definitely life changing for me. I made some wonderful friends over the years, and we helped each other get through some tough times as teens (yay tech, specifically aol instant messenger).

    • Anonymous

      There are so many more options than this. You don’t have to chose between 4 weeks and nothing. Look outside your bubble a bit. Camp was fantastic for me. It was also church run, a week long, and not particularly expensive.

      • Anonymous

        Our church does a 4-day camp that is something like 9:30-1. And then they have older kids help with a Freedom School that they sponsor, but some grownup needs to drive to/from that.

        I think that the logistics problems of many day camps is that I live among the 9.9%ers, which is like living in the 1950s for many women. But I get to live there b/c of my job, not b/c of my spouse’s job or some family money. I am the outlier (but an intrigued outlier, who is happy to use the vetting of neighbors and the fact that if we go where they go, my kids will have some familiar faces whatever they do).

        We have a great nature day camp on the outskirts of our city that we have loved. It is pricey (500/kid/week) but the commute is very rough for the adults. We wouldn’t bother but for the sheer joy it brings them (but I can’t bear more than a couple of weeks each summer of the driving).

    • Evie

      It’s totally cultural but I wouldn’t just say preppy there are all kinds of camps — liberal, religious, arty etc. I think it’s an east coast thing. And yes, most camps are a month. And, yes, with the right camp it really is amazing. And yes, I definitely want my daughter to go to my camp. So if you can swing it, and you really like the camp when yo visit, and your kid really wants to go, I’d say do it.

    • anon a mouse

      Sleepaway camp was revelatory for me. I loved being away from my parents even for a little bit, I loved being around new people, I loved being outside all the time. I did a few different camps (scouts, academic) and they were all fantastic in different ways.

      I encourage you to explore other options — the ones you list can’t be the only ones! Ask your kids’ school if they know of others. In the DC area there are a number of camp fairs that happen in the late fall/early spring where camps from many different places come to market themselves. Many of my friends drive their kids 4-5 hours to week-long camps.

      Yes, it is expensive, but you presumably have to arrange some sort of care for the kids, yes? So only look at the marginal cost beyond a daily babysitter. Now factor in that you could go on long evening dates without hiring a babysitter. Now factor in the experience for your kids.

    • Anonymous

      I am from the rural Midwest, so my experiences involve very different cultural backgrounds but I think camp is camp as far as other aspects go. 4-H Camp was always the highlight of my summer, though it was only 5 days/4 nights. I looked forward to it all year, went from ages 10-14, I think (maybe 9? Hard to remember but I started as soon as I was old enough.)

      For me, it absolutely had a major impact on who I am as a person. Especially coming from a small community, this was my first opportunity to really establish my own identity, meet people who I hadn’t known forever, and explore the world (our camp was in a beautiful park full of formal gardens and statuary tucked into a small forest. So we got a wonderful mix of arts/culture and nature.)

      Not everyone loved it as much as I did, but if your kid is a weirdo free spirit, they will absolutely thrive at camp.

    • Never too many shoes...

      Camp was absolutely a life changer for me. Coming from an urban immigrant family, going to camp gave me an experience that rooted a love of nature (and of the beauty of Canada) that I have carried with me all my life. I became more outgoing, independent and mature.

      I would not call going to camp preppy exactly, but perhaps the Canadian experience is a bit different. It is definitely a bit of an upper middle class thing (private camp, although there are cheaper Y overnight camps also) and it is an amazing place to make connections that have definitely popped up throughout my life.

    • DCR

      If you are worried about what to do in the middle/high school years, I wouldn’t look at a junior counselor program at sleep away camp as the answer. Not all teens want to interact with younger kids, or are good at it. Plus, there are tons of interest specific camps for older kids that might be a better kit for your kids (computer camp, coding camp, foreign language camp, other academic camps, etc).

      Having said that, I went to a YMCA sleep away camp when I was a kid and loved it. It wasn’t “straight out of the Preppy Handbook,” but mainly was lower-income kids on scholarships. I’m sure that there are elitist camps out there, but not all sleep away camps are.

    • Anonymous

      Best of both worlds, I went to these camps from age 5-13 and then when I was 14 and legally allowed to work I no longer went to camp and had a summer job in fast food. I think both were fundamentally important in who I am today. I moved out of my parents house at 17, have always had a job (even through university), and payed for my own education. I think the camp helped me leave the nest and the job helped me finish school. My family is upper class and I think these experiences really made me a ‘good person’ I have been told on numerous occasions that I ‘don’t seem rich’ which I attribute to not having a silver spoon.

    • CountC

      I was very very fortunate to attend sleepaway camp from age 10 – 15 as a camper, and then as a counselor from 16 – 18. I went to a hobby-specific camp (equestrian) that was part of a larger family-owned general camp. At first, I went for two-week sessions in the general equestrian camp and then “upgraded” to the show team which was four-week sessions. Although it was tons of fun, it was also hard work! I learned a lot about horsemanship and still to this day, over 20 years later, keep in touch with the woman who ran the show team.

      I am so grateful that my parents were able to send me to this camp. I learned leadership skills, enhanced my work ethic, planning skills, people skills . . . and helped me with the anxiety of new people and new things. I was a geek at home, but at horse camp I was with my people and good at it!

      As you can imagine, horse camp is NOT cheap, but I definitely encourage you to find other options if the one you have looked at is too expensive! Camp is great and I wish more kids got to experience it.

    • Anonymous

      I went to an all girls residential summer camp in Vermont for nine 8-week summers between the ages of 9-17, and it was absolutely life changing. Taught me independence, and how to interact with my peers without constant supervision (and also like, how to sail and shoot a rifle). My camp was structured around freedom of choice – you had to show up at meals, and be in your cabin by certain times for rest hour and the night, but other than that, you could do WHATEVER you wanted. I spent the winters counting down until June – and spending hours on the phone with my camp friends. As a mid-30s adult, my best friends, I suspect for life, are still the core group of girls I lived with every summer, and there’s an actual alumnae network that I’m also involved in (we have an NYC book club!). If I ever have a daughter, I will absolutely be sending her to my camp.

      I grew up upper middle class, and my parents paid for the first five summers or so. After that, I applied for scholarships (and I think many of the really expensive camps do have them, even if the aid isn’t advertised, so look into that), and worked to pay the rest of the tuition (on a sliding scale set by my mother, so I was responsible for a larger portion of it every year). So I’d work for the school year to pay for my summer (also had to buy my own first car). I found that camp itself was a big financial equalizer. No one cared how rich your parents were or how nice your clothes were – I mean, we barely showered. Status was conferred entirely by how good you were at your chosen activity (and where your chosen activity fell on the scale of coolness, haha).

      Writing about it is really making me wish I were there right now. :)

    • anon

      Speaking of camps… does anyone know of any day camps that run until early Sept in the BOS area? Camps seem to end the last week of August, but school doesn’t start until the second week of September!

      • Anon

        Most of the schools by me are going back last week of aug/ first week of sept so there may not be a critical mass for the camps to justify staying open (plus they lose counselors to high school and college starting up). You may want to check camps in NH though because their schools are sometimes on a slightly different schedule.

      • Anon too

        In Boston, the Hill House camp runs until the last week of August, but that session usually fills up in Jan/Feb. If you are close to Charlestown e-inc. also runs a science camp the last two weeks of Aug. (www.einc-action.org). Also, over in Brookline, look at Viking Sports Camps – they may have some later sessions too.
        There aren’t any options I found that extend into Sept.

    • anon

      I love, love, loved my sleep away camp when I was a kid. But it was quite different than what you are looking at: it was church based (with plenty of normal camp activities too – pool, blob, ropes course, capture the flag, etc), only a week, and definitely not as expensive as what you are talking about or I wouldn’t have been able to go. It was really great for me. I came out of my shell so much more at camp and I think it helped me socialize better at school.

      But yes, not all camps are created equal. By contrast I worked a summer at a camp you’re describing and it was just…a different crowd. I’m not sure snobbier is the right word, but I didn’t totally fit in with that crowd and it was an uncomfortable summer for me as a counselor.

      I very much would love for my son to have a similar experience, but we wouldn’t be able to do the thousands of dollars you are talking about so I really hope we can find something less expensive when the time comes.

      • anon

        I had a similar experience. I went to the episcopal summer camp in my state every year as a kid. It wasn’t one of those many weeks in a row things (I think a typical session was about a week long), nor was it crazy expensive, but it was one of the best experiences of my entire childhood. It was such a positive, loving, grace-filled environment where I got to just be myself with my friends without my parents breathing down my neck all the time. It pretty much saved my life in high school. I also went to girl scout camp once, which was fun but since I hadn’t been every year I didn’t really get into it too much.

        I don’t think I’d spend an insane fortune to send my kid to an all summer long camp, but it seems like they are amazing transformative experiences for a lot of the kids who go to them.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I went to an interest-specific sleep-away camp (horseback riding, in my case). I don’t know if it was life changing, but it was a lot of fun. I didn’t go until I was 12 or 13 and was old enough to work as a junior counselor and get a discount because yes, they are expensive. I had lots of friends growing up who went to the all-girl general sleepaway camps and seemed to love it. I’m in the SEUS and it was very much what upper-middle class/upper class kids did in the summer, though if I recall, it was usually only for one or two weeks, not an entire month. I mean, yes, just by price alone, it’s a very cultural preppy handbook type thing, but I’m not sure that’s necessarily a bad thing in this case.

      But what I really wanted to do as a kid (or, you know, now as an adult) was space camp.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to space camp

        I didn’t go but a friend did. Am sure that my older daughter would love it (and the younger one would complain the whole d*mn time but secretly enjoy it too).

      • CountC

        My longer post is in moderation, but I also went to sleepaway horse camp – soooooo fun!

      • Anonymous

        Space Camp was the BEST. I can’t wait to take my daughter. I think they have kids-only camps (certainly for teens) but I went with my parents when I was in elementary school.

    • Frozen Peach

      Don’t forget about Girl Scout camps! I had many friends who stayed enrolled just so they could go to camp.

      Very affordable, very diverse, awesome programming and outlook. I went summer after summer and loved it.

      • JGclt123

        Yes, to Girl Scout camps!! I did both girl scout and regular sleepaway camps and while I loved them both and was a counselor later on at the regular one, if your concern is cash and length of time away, girl scout camps are a great option. They usually have sessions as short as one week and as others have mentioned, diverse kids, tons of activities where you actually learn a skill (and get badges) – I mostly did watersports and can credit my love of windsurfing and sailing to that camp.

    • anon

      1.) Yes, completely life changing. Actually wound up charting the course for my education/career, and was extremely influential in developing my ethical beliefs and favorite hobbies.
      2.) Yes, I agree that it’s cultural, but not necessarily preppy. My family was highly educated but firmly middle class because their careers just weren’t super high paying. (Think teachers with master’s degrees.) My camp was a pretty hippy-dippy outdoorsy camp for gifted nerds, so while of course it was a tremendous privilege to go there, it certainly didn’t feel anything like a country club training camp.
      3. and 5.) Yes, very expensive, but I’m so glad my parents agreed to it. I know it was a stretch for them financially. My camp had 1, 2, and 3 week sessions. This was basically our ‘family vacation’ while we were growing up. We didn’t go on vacations otherwise, except to see grandma and grandpa. Like we literally went on four family vacations to places that weren’t my grandparents’ homes during my entire youth.

    • Anonymous

      As others have suggested, try looking into other camp options. I grew up in the SEUS and went to a co-ed overnight church camp for a week starting in 4th grade and in the tween years transitioned to themed overnight Girl Scout camps for a week (cheerleading, horseback riding). Both of them offered all the usual camp stuff – swimming in a lake, canoeing, crafts, campfire songs, etc. They in no way felt preppy or exclusive. And they couldn’t have been that expensive or my single mother wouldn’t have been able to pay for them.

    • Anonymous

      Went to overnight music camps as a child. First, just short ones (2-4 days) in my state when I was in middle school. By the age of 13, started going to the intense 8 week music camps. They were crazy competitive, stressful, exciting, demanding, psychotic yet somewhat wonderful. When I burst into tears the last day it was a mixture of relief, exhausting, and with realization I loved the experience.

      It was cult like.
      It was equalizing. We all wore uniforms.
      We all lived in hot, crowded, wooden cabins. 16 girls and one shower. Yeah…
      I played with adult conductors and soloists that were world famous, and played the great musical literature.

      The artistic experience was incredible, eye-opening, and the exposure to talented folks from around the world changed the way I looked at myself and my future goals. Also made we realize when I was young that I never wanted to go into the arts, and continue with this stress long-term. Let’s just say I am a doctor now and nothing is as stressful as the weeks I spent competing in music summer camp.

      Very expensive, but scholarships were available and I competed to get what I could. I couldn’t have gone without scholarships. My parents were not well off at all, and made it clear that this experience was a reward/something I earned. I think they were a little devastated when they learned how stressful and psychotic it was, which was not healthy. But even more confused when I wanted to go back…. shrugs.

    • Anonymous

      2. Depending on the camp it can definitely be preppy – I went to a private girls school and a lot of girls went to the same camp over the summer. All the girls and parents knew each other because of the camp. (I didn’t go, because I hate outdoors and sleeping in strange beds.)

      • busybee

        I think it’s really camp-dependent. Each camp definitely has its own culture. I was a counselor at a well-known all-girls camp in the South. It was very preppy, and very wealthy. Uniforms were worn. The girls almost all knew each other already, from private school back in Atlanta or Mountain Brook or Charleston. They grew up to pledge the “top” sororities at Bama or UGA or whatever, and married the boys who went to the corresponding all-boys camps and top fraternities. They now send their daughters to the same camp, and the cycle continues.
        The girls almost all seemed to love it, with the exception of the few girls that didn’t quite come from the right neighborhoods or the right schools. I remember there was one girl from NYC who was just a complete fish out of water with all these Southern girls. It definitely was a culture shock for her.
        That being said, the girls were mostly really great and loved the time they spent at camp swimming and doing archery and singing camp songs and all that. They definitely have a bond that lasts years, though that may be because their circles overlapped in so many other non-camp ways too.

    • Camp!

      I went to a very old, very traditionally WASP-y, all girls’ summer camp for eight years (camper, then a CIT, assistant counselor, and counselor). I loved it and would have kept working there if family circumstances hadn’t required that I be nearer to my family. I went to Northern New England from the NYC area (and then later from the West Coast after moving). Camp sessions were either 3.5 or 7 weeks (I always went 3.5 as a camper, though begged to go longer!).

      My camp experience was truly foundational and has continued to positively impact my life. For one, the all girls environment had a very positive impact on my self esteem and body image. While we did have periodic visits with our “brother” camp (hello, first kiss!), being around all women and seeing women in leadership positions was very different from my day-to-day life at home (where my mom – and most moms in my town – was stay-at-home while my dad was the breadwinner). Also, walking around in bathing suits, not caring what people think, has had lingering benefits for my body image, even coming from a very body-conscious family. We also had uniforms, so we weren’t focused on trends, but rather on personalities.

      Camp also broadened my horizons and skill set. While I do not tend towards athletic activities, camp encouraged me to try – and enjoy – a range of very athletic activities, alongside arts, music, and theater. I became a certified lifeguard, a certified swim instructor, learned to play and teach tennis, canoeing, and horseback riding, and ran races. This has encouraged an openness to new things throughout my life, and certainly made me more well-rounded person as an adult.

      Camp also taught strong mediation and people skills. You live in a small tent or cabin for weeks with several other people, and you need to learn how to divvy up chores and get along. Conflicts get resolved, and you learn to be a team player. This made my transition to college so much easier than people who had never lived with other people in close quarters!

      For what it’s worth, my sister also went to sleep away camp (a different one) and did not have a positive experience. My brother went to a traditional camp, which he didn’t enjoy much, then a non-traditional camp (activity-focused) that he loved. I think a lot of it is about fit and knowing your kids. But I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything, and I hope to have kids who I can share this experience with one day!

    • Anonymous

      I grew up in Illinois, and there definitely wasn’t the kind of camp culture that some of my East Coast friends experienced. In elementary school I went to Girl Scout camp (though only for 3-5 days at a time), and my brother went to a YMCA camp that had a focus on sports, which he enjoyed.

      In middle school I loved the Concordia Language Villages in Minnesota, and I highly recommend them, I think they do them for like 25 different languages now. I went to French camp for two-week stretches three years in a row, but in high school you can go for four weeks and get school credit for it. It probably was relatively expensive, but the counselors are mostly native speakers of the language, all of the food is authentic, and in addition to normal camp activities like swimming and crafts you have a couple hours of language classes, plus everything is total immersion. Not only is all tech contraband, all written English materials are too, so you really dive deep into the language and learn a ton. And if your time includes an International Day, you get to meet people from all the other camps, and try their food!

  4. Hiking snacks?

    What are your favorite hiking snacks? Prefer foods that don’t need refrigeration and can spend a few days in a hot car without going bad.

    • MJ

      GORP + peanut m&ms. Dried fruit. Nature Valley granola bars. Licorice. (Thanks, Outdoor Ed program at my school! I learned so much!)

    • emeralds

      Cosign all of the above. GORP/trail mix of some type, your preferred bars, jerky. They’re classics for a reason.

    • Anonshmanon

      I prefer salty over sweet, so roasted chickpeas! Trader Joe’s has a ranch dressing variety and last week I discovered other flavors at Safeway.

    • Anonymous

      I always find that after some sweaty, intensive hiking I crave savory snacks and need them to replace all the salt I’ve lost. Consider pretzels with peanut butter, triscuits, and Korean seasoned seaweed as well.

    • Anonymous

      In addition to what’s already mentioned, I usually pack Justin’s nut butter packets with me, even though I hate the extra waste it produces.

      • trefoil

        +1 I want to go hiking with you!

        Babybels, crackers, carrots & hummus, mason jar of wine. This also works on an urban bike ride.

    • Anonymous

      I really like the combination of dried apricots and those windowpane-shaped pretzels. You get sweet and salty, crunchy and chewy at the same time, and the apricots are usually about the same size as the pretzels. But GORP (with m+ms) is a classic for a reason!

  5. Anonymous

    Is there anything I can do to minimize some fairly deep lines under my eyes? Looking back at old photos now, I can see that I’ve had them for a while but in the last couple of years they have gotten deeper and become increasingly pronounced. I’m 35 now. Is there anything to be done? Any particular eye cream that is supposed to be good for this kind of thing? Or some kind of treatment at a dermatologist’s office? I already use a retinol and my skin looks fine otherwise, but these lines under my eyes are something else.

    • Anonymous

      Are you using sunscreen under your eyes? For reasons that are beyond me, most eye creams don’t have an SPF. That’s the most sensitive part of your face! It needs the most protection! Supergoop has an eye sunscreen that I really like. Idk if it will reverse wrinkles but it should help prevent more or deepening wrinkles.

    • Anonymous

      Why am I in mod for asking about sunscreen? Sigh. Anyway, get an eye cream with sunscreen, it will help prevent more wrinkles.

    • Anonymous

      No topical product will reverse the wrinkles you already have. This would require fillers and/or botox.

    • Anonymous

      A lot of this is genetic. Sunglasses everywhere, all the time.

      I find that a thicker creamy eye cream that fills and flattens the lines is flattering. It allows any concealer to lay on top, rather than crack into the lines, if you know what I mean. I was given a sample of an eye cream from Dove that has SPF. I can only find it online now, but if you read the reviews on Amazon you’ll get an idea.

      Stay hydrated. I also use aquaphor under my eyes every night.

      • Anon

        The Lancome Rénergie Lift Multi-Action Lifting and Firming Eye really does fill in wrinkles (probably in the same fashion as Anonymous stated). But of course it only works while it’s on.

    • anon

      I was able to lessen the appearance of my under eye lines (the crow’s feet however are another story). More sleep, minimize alcohol, staying hydrated, getting my dry eye syndrome treated, and a good eye cream. I’ve been using drunk elephant lately and I really, really like it. Honestly, I think the biggest thing for minimizing my eye lines was getting my dry eyes treated. I’m not sure how or why, but I think that was when I noticed the biggest change.

      • Anonymous

        What does your dry eye treatment involve? I have saline drops but I’m not good about using them.

        • anon

          I eventually went on a prescription. But I had found some success with Retaine (oil based AT therapy). Also adding lots of high EPA fish oil. The prescription really helped me.

  6. Wildchicken

    Does anyone have a favorite “to do” list app? I’d like something I can use to add to it on my iphone/ipad, but also that I can access from my work computer through the internet. So it would have to be something that would synch between the various devices. I don’t need anything fancy – just a basic to-do list. Paper isn’t cutting it anymore.

    • Anonymous

      Evernote! You can use the app on your devices and the site on your desk top.

    • BabyAssociate

      Google Keep. It will sync between your phone and computer automatically.

    • Carrots

      I like Wunderlist for this. I know you can download a desktop app for it, but you can also use the website and it syncs with your phone app.

    • K

      Todoist is my favorite. Available on a desktop browser or a phone app, updates automatically.

      • Anonymous

        That’s the one I found when I was researching last night. Any problems with synching between the devices (some reviewers complained about this). Also, do you use the paid version or the free version?

        • K

          I’ve never had issues with syncing between devices. I use the free version, there are no ads but you miss out on some advanced features. This hasn’t been an issue for me.

    • Anonymous

      I use qlist.cc/[secret name of your list here] for groceries and errands. The advantage is that I can share it with other household members, and it will stay up-to-date so we don’t both pick up TP after work, etc. I like that I can create the list on my computer but use it and check it from the browser on my phone.

      I use workflowy for my actual life and job because I appreciate the additional organization for managing long-term projects.

      I switched to a paper journal for my daily task list (partly because it’s free), but TeuxDeux is my absolute favorite for daily tasks (I like the design and also the rollover feature so I don’t get too far behind).

    • Anonymous

      I just use the Reminders app that comes with Apple. It’s simple and works perfectly, and will sync between devices.

    • Anon

      Any.do was a lifesaver for me. It is a very simple “to do” list. You can separate into mini categories and set reminders, put in notes, etc. But at it’s core, you type in an item, press okay and it goes to your default list. On the phone, it even has a drop down from the top so you don’t have to open the app to input an item. It has a similarly simple internet interface.

      And you can satisfyingly cross out the task with your finger.

  7. Anon

    I’m an attorney working on a case involving an issue with a surgical procedure. I have to watch surgical videos this week with the client while they explain what’s going on and I’m REALLY stressed about it. There are a lot of reasons why I picked law over medicine, and one of them is that I get really grossed out easily. I have no issues with stuff on my body but I always turn away or squirm with TV shows and movies. I normally avoid stuff with excessive gore and I almost always look away during these scenes because I don’t enjoy watching it.
    I don’t yell or cause a scene but some of my reactions are involuntary–feeling woozy, stomach flips, getting nauseous.

    Obviously I’m going to tough it up and deal during the client meeting, but I’m really worried I’m going to have an involuntary reaction like gagging or looking grossed out. Also, since I need to learn from these sessions I can’t do what I normally do which is look away or have my mind drift off. Any tips?

    • Anonymous

      Don’t try so hard. They know this isn’t your field. If it gets to be too much there’s nothing wrong with taking a break.

    • Anonymous

      Can you watch the video in advance? Maybe it would help desensitize you.

    • anon a mouse

      Can you ask for black and white diagrams ahead of time, so that you can familiarize yourself with what you are looking for in advance of the video?

    • Anonymous

      Is this a case that is going to trial? Then, regardless of what happens for this client meeting, you need to desensitize yourself so that you don’t have any reactions in court to any pictures, videos, or descriptions

    • Gail the Goldfish

      There’s a lot of surgical videos on youtube. Watch some before your meeting to try to desensitize. And depending on what type of surgical procedure, it may not be as gory-looking as you fear.

    • Beth

      My med-school sister did a bit of CBT her first semester to get rid of some of her ick reactions to gorier procedures. It was all exposure therapy. Hop online, make yourself watch some similar gross videos on youtube, rinse and repeat.

    • Davis

      Are there certain portions of the video that are key to your case? Would it be possible to focus on those with the client and avoid the sections (either by skipping them or not looking at the screen) that aren’t key? For me, the TLC surgery videos back in the day were neat, but only once it was internal to the body. Incisions and such were really hard for me. Good luck!

    • Nesprin

      Don’t eat before hand, or have something vegetarian for before and after, bring gum or something strong scented, focus on breathing, and don’t be afraid to go to the bathroom for a break.

    • Anon

      That is called the vasovagal reaction. Google it. You can keep yourself from feeling woozy / fainting by tensing and relaxing your leg and arm muscles.

  8. MagicUnicorn

    Are desktop replies not working? Nothing I post is appearing at all this morning…

    • anon

      My comments seem to be going into mod, even though I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything that would lend to that.

  9. Kale

    For those of you who are small chested, what is your favorite sports bra? Is there a sports bra that doesn’t flatten you out? My problem is that I have broad shoulders so I need to size up, but I have a small rib cage and cup size.

    • notanon

      38AA, broad shoulders (seems irrelevant for a bra, though, unless I’ve been wearing them wrong all this time…) and I like the Champion Absolute in XL. The L is too snug on my ribcage.

    • Anonymous

      If you want one that won’t flatten, Victorias Secret has more encasement style sports bras than flatten-you-out sports bras. I also have big shoulders and they work pretty well for me, even though I hate their normal bras.

    • anne-on

      Following. I’m a 36 B and that, combined with trying to find one that totally unfastens in the back (who thought up pull off sports bras?!? they are the WORST when you’re sweaty and trying to pry one off your sticky ribcage). Brooks makes some good ones – the Fiona and Moving comfort are great – they are also carried at Nordstrom so you can try on and return what doesn’t work.

      • waffles

        I’m always looking for a bra with back closures for my (very) small chest and I have had good luck with Lucy. They are super flattering and comfortable too. And the bras I am wearing now have lasted for years.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I’m not broad shouldered, but I am small of chest, and my favorite sports bra is, somewhat surprisingly, Uniqlo’s (active crossback medium support seamless). Perfect amount of padding (and it’s built in, so the cup doesn’t come out in the wash), and it doesn’t start to chafe after wearing it all day, which is a problem I have with a lot of other styles.

    • Anonymous

      I thought flattening was one of the functions of a sports bra – eliminate the bounce? Or are you just trying to combat the uni-b00b?

    • Torin

      34A and somewhat broad of shoulder. I wear the lululemon medium impact bras in a size 8. The high impact ones in the same size are too tight and I don’t need that much support anyway.

      They do flatten though. Maybe they would do so less if you left the removable pads in, but I always throw those out so not sure.

  10. Scarlet

    Have you lost friends since the election? I’m considering cutting off a few outer-circle friends (and a few inner-circle ones) because I find their political beliefs morally reprehensible.

    • Scarlett

      Hi, I’ve been posting under Scarlett for years, mind picking a new moniker? Thanks.

    • Anon

      I’ve cut off a few friends who’s political beliefs don’t align with mine, but it was more about the way they chose to interact with me than what they believed. I’ve always known that we didn’t share all of our political beliefs, but we used to be able to bond over other shared things. Over the past year or two every conversation turns to politics and I’m just not up for the conflict all the time. I tried engaging them with other topics or sticking to the issues that we do agree on, but it got to the point where talking to them at all just felt like a minefield. It was exhausting and unproductive, so I don’t see or talk to them much at all anymore.

      • Scarlet

        Interesting. I don’t see it conflicting in our conversations – for the most part we avoid politics – just in the fact that their political beliefs make me want to scream, so I don’t want to have dinner with them.

        • Rainbow Hair

          I have one friend who I feel all knotted up about. She’s so kind to me, really tries to be all the good things, but she’s the anti-choice variety of Catholic and when I think about how ICE took kids away from their parents without even a PLAN to reunite them (doing DNA testing now to try to solve it?!) it just makes it hard to stomach the fact that she’s probably happy about the Supreme Court.

          • Anonymous

            Please don’t use the term “anti choice” to describe us unless you would like us to use “anti life” or “pro abortion” to describe you.

          • Anon

            But that’s what it’s all about – you’re anti giving women the choice to get an abortion. Pro-choice or anti-choice. Being pro-choice certainly doesn’t make someone pro-abortion, but being, as you call yourselves, “pro-life”, you are against giving the choice. So yes, anti-choice is pretty accurate. Sorry you don’t like it.

          • Rainbow Hair

            Not trying to offend – why wouldn’t she describe herself as anti choice when her driving goal is for no one to be able to choose abortion? I don’t think I would have an abortion in most instances (though until I’m there I can’t be sure) but I sure as heck support other women’s right to choose abortion. So if you wanna call me pro—abortion-choice, ok, I’m here for that.

          • Anonymous

            LOL “Please don’t call me what I really am, it makes me feel uncomfortable about wanting to deprive women of bodily autonomy”

          • Anonymous

            The one “choice” in question is the “choice” to kill your kid. The only one.

            Therefore, pro-choice is a misnomer; you’re not for choice regarding guns, school choice, religious liberty, or much else. It’s abortion, only.

            Perhaps “anti-life” would be more appropriate. You aren’t pro-bodily autonomy, because you believe in destroying the entire body of certain members of the human race. You, per above, aren’t pro-choice in a libertarian way (at least not for most of you).

            Sorry, it’s pro-life and anti-life.

          • Anonymous

            And the only “life” in question is the potential life of the fetus, which can only exist through the use of a woman’s body. Unless you’re also out there marching against the death penalty, and in support of making health care more accessible, and in support of environmental defense. etc.?

          • Anonymous

            I have a friend like this that I’m also torn about, but I think I need to at least downgrade our friendship. It’s starting to feel like I’m saying, “I’m okay with your desire to oppress people, so long as you’re not doing it in front of me.”

    • Anon

      Replied to this, but it disappeared. Maybe it’ll be released from m0d later. But TL;DR yes but not because I found their beliefs reprehensible, just because I couldn’t handle every conversation turning to politics.

    • A_nonymous

      I’ve ‘lost’ (unfollowed) a bunch of facebook friends (some of whom I was close to before I moved for worked). I let them comment all over my posts, as they never agree ;) and don’t engage when they do. Their problem, not mine. I’ve met a lot of new people via the activist circles I’ve joined and am amazed at how many people do care and want to make a difference. Highly recommend both of those moves if you haven’t tried them (or feel like you need to do something different).
      As for close friends – I do have two fits the situation you’re describing. I’d add friends are supportive and awesome in every way till I my activism and/or our political differences come up (which as i am doing a lot of political activities leading up to midterms it comes up often) and then friends are either 1. Very Pleased with the administartion and think everything is great or 2. Don’t really care and …apathetic at best.
      Note neither of these people have thus far been personally affected by any of administrations actions. I suspect both voted for this and think everything is normal.
      Ultimately both friends just doesn’t understand what the fuss is about or why I’d be concerned about any of the events that have unfolded in the past what 18 months…
      This gives me serious pause. At this point I’ve backed way off the communication with both of them. That style of hiding probably isn’t the right answer but I can’t change their mind and I don’t want to have to deal with either 1. apathy and shrugging things off or 2. the nose wrinkle and looks of “why are you doing this? /”what’s the problem?”/”why are you spending time on this?”/ect.
      That’s the best I have thus far….I suppose another option is continue to speak to them but not tell them/politely decline to talk about anything in my life that’s political/activism related. That seems unfair to me, but it’s a way to proceed.
      I would looove to know if anyone else has better ideas.

    • Anonymous

      I unfollowed a bunch of FB friends I didn’t know well, but thankfully all my immediate family members and close friends are on the same page politically (at least on big picture stuff – we may disagree on details).

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I’m avoiding people. For me, a big part of it was that the people I know continue to be polite and open-minded in conversations, but I’ve seen the opinions they share on social media, and it doesn’t add up. I understand that soap boxing is different from conversation, but I start to feel weird when people specifically bring things up with me or ask curious questions about my experience or why I think the way I do, smile and nod, and then go post something that doesn’t take into consideration any of the things we talked about. I guess this was true in the past as well, but it was more about outlook and values than just literal facts.

    • Anonymous

      Until the past election cycle, I had always prided myself on being able to be friends with people who have very different views than mine.

      Now… I think of it as more of a litmus test for the type of person I think makes a good friend. My life experiences (and those of people I care about) will not always be the same as yours. I need friends who can empathize and be supportive even if she could never see herself in my shoes. Who would put her own ick factor or whatever aside because I’m a human being and I need support. What if a family member ODs? Why if I marry a non-citizen? Or have a crisis pregnancy? I want to surround myself with people who will love and support me, not people that will silently (or not so silently) judge.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Yes. To expand on my fundamentalist “Christian” comment above, I have cut one part of my family out completely since shortly after the election and do not regret it at all. They were controlling, manipulative, and judgmental in the extreme and had been that way for my whole life. When they insisted that I was a judgmental, selfish degenerate for disagreeing with them that a mentally unstable relative’s right to carry firearms was more important than my family’s safety, that was the end. No regrets, other than wishing I had found the courage to cut them off years ago. We now have zero contact with them and life is so much more peaceful.

    • Anon

      I cut off most contact with a long time work friend because she has come out as a racist. She’s prolific on Facebook and posts lots of memes about if black peoples would just do what police tell them to do they wouldn’t get shot – she says from her extremely privileged affluent white lifestyle. She also thinks immigrants who are separated from their children. Are getting what they deserve for breaking the law (no knowledge of the laws, or that applying for asylum is legal.)

      I unfollowed her on Facebook and have declined invitations to hang out in a group that includes her. Short of a confrontation, and I’ve chided her in the past when she said something even questionably racist and it didn’t work at all, all I can do is ignore her and remove her from my life.

  11. Busybee

    I use Nike sports bras. I’m small chested too. Yeah they flatten me out but who cares? I’m not trying to look $€xy at the gym and it’s easier to be flat when working out anyway.

  12. Moving

    I just moved into a new apartment, some issues have come up.
    There are lots of bugs. Flies, beetles, spiders, earwigs. Last night an earwig came up my bathroom drain while I was brushing my teeth. I told the office about it and they’re going to send someone to spray on Thursday, but is there anything I can do in the meantime?

    There is a closet that I was told is a “pantry”, but there are no shelves. The door is on an angled wall so the closet is triangular inside, and its small so I’m having a hard time finding a pre-made shelving unit. I think I should build my own. Is there anything I can ask the landlord for on this? There’s not a lot of cabinet space and my other kitchen items have already filled them.

    • Anon

      As someone who is irrationally afraid of bugs, Ortho Home Defense is one of the best purchases I’ve made. I spray a bit around the baseboards of my apartment a few times a year. Supposedly it creates a “barrier” that repels insects; ones that cross it die. For a day or so after spraying it I find a few dead bugs, but it dramatically cuts down on the live ones that I see. Obviously your a pesticide company should come spray, but Ortho handles more day-to-day stuff for me that doesn’t warrant someone coming back out.

    • Pompom

      Bugs squick me out, too. But, depending on where you are geographically (bc summer, humidity, rain or none) and how long the apartment was vacant before you moved in, it’s not uncommon for those literal garden variety bugs to be around. Gross, yes, but fixable, and probably not a more sinister sign! Anon above has good advice!

      As to the shelves…that is a pita. Might be worth it to install brackets and shelving arms yourself for a pretty minimal cost, just to make it useful?

      • Moving

        I’m in Michigan, the apartment was vacant for less than a week before I moved in. I think it might be an issue with the seals around the apartment (doors, windows, vents, pipes apparently). There are a bunch of other maintenance issues that need fixing too and I’m pretty unhappy they weren’t fixed before I moved in, but I guess they’ll get fixed soon enough. The bugs are the worst for me though. I’m afraid to walk around for fear of stepping on one. Thanks for the advice!!

    • Scarlett

      I got these electronic things you plug in on Amazon – they make a frequency sound that bug bugs (up through rats but not cats or dogs) and since plugging them in, haven’t seen a pest in the house. They’re rather amazing. Apparently very popular in Europe but haven’t caught on here as much. I’ll look for a link.

      • Senior Attorney

        Wait, what? Rats, too?

        OMG I am sitting by my computer waiting for that link…

    • anon a mouse

      For shelves, would Elfa shelving work? You would only have to drill a few holes to install the top rack and then you could add as many shelves/baskets as you need. Container Store will cut the pieces to custom lengths for you.

      • Moving

        Thank you! I was considering ultrasonic repellents like that but wasn’t convinced they actually work. I’ll try this one out.

        • Anonymous

          Make sure you read the instructions, and place them in unobstructed locations.

          I use the ultrasonics designed to repel mice and they are great.

        • Scarlett

          I found out about them from our exterminator, ironically. He said over time the bugs might get immune to the particular sound and you might need to change brands. He used them in his house instead of spray so I figured I’d give it a try. It feels life changing so far.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Don’t ask the landlord about it now, if it were really that big of a deal you should have said something before you moved in. Just buy some brackets and wood at Home Depot and deal with it yourself.

    • BUGS

      diatomaceous earth works well — liberally sprinkle it around your doorways. I’d do this after the exterminator comes. I also have the ultrasonic varmint repellers you plug in (not 100% sure they work, but it seems worth trying). If you have cockroaches (I have had them, ugh), get some “roach motel” poison traps off amazon as well.

  13. Anonymous

    So I have a friend who goes on practically every time we speak about how terrible America is — because if Trump. We’re a joke in every way and no one should want to live here. And it’s the constant refrain of white people this or not, white privilege etc. IDK I get that things are bad but this constant bashing has gotten old. Btw – she’s half white, half Hispanic; I’m not white at all – south Asian Muslim. One of her parents immigrated and both of mind did. I’m still thankful they came here and there’s no place else I’d rather live. I got annoyed this weekend as she went on about how she’s excited to get to her vacation in Europe (which is great) bc she can’t wait to GTFO of America and speak Spanish 100% of the time in Spain. Can’t put my finger on it but something about this attitude annoys me and I’m biting my tongue from saying — no one is forcing you to live here, you can go make a life anywhere else. What would your reaction be?

    • Anonymous

      I mean, she’s American, and she’s entitled to complain about how low our county has sunk lately. Just as you are entitled to feel super patriotic or whatever. Just because she is second generation (vs. what, a Native American?) doesn’t mean she needs to be any more or less grateful that she was born here.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      She sounds like no fun to hang out with, and I would probably stop hanging out with her if she wouldn’t quit. Have you told her that this is wearing on you and you want to talk about something else?

    • Anonymous

      Treat this like any other conversation topic that’s worn out its welcome. Just deflect and move on. If she insists on continuing, it’s totally fair to say, I don’t want to spend my free time talking about this so please stop.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like you want validation that she is right and you are wrong, but you’re both entitled to your own opinions so you’re not going to get that. Just stop talking about this with her.

  14. Money Monday Question

    I have appreciated the financial advice many of you have given in the past, so I was hoping someone could have some advice for me today- a few years ago I inherited about 200K, which I parked at Capitol One Investing using the portfolio builder program in a “moderate risk” portfolio for ETFs. Cap One is transferring to Etrade this year, so I thought I would use this time to move it to Vanguard, where I have my retirement funds. Looks like the Vanguard LifeStrategy Funds would be most similar- I could park it in a moderate growth fund and be largely hands off. Anyone use this? Opinions or advice?

    • DCR

      I have my investment funds at vanguard, and I really like their interface. I personally use a mix of index funds, because I want my investment accounts to be more aggressive than the LifeStrategy Funds. I have my retirement funds in the more conservative target age funds, but want to focus on growth for this money (and am willing to take the risk that I will lose some of the value). If you want a more conservative approach, I’ve heard good things about the LifeStrategy funds.

    • busybee

      I have invested in LifeStrategy Growth for several years and have been pleased. It has a decently good return rate, and I like that it’s no-maintenance and low-cost. I have nearly all of my investments in Vanguard for those reasons.

    • Anon

      Big fan of Vanguard and index funds in general. I think you are making a very wise move.

  15. Bay Mom

    My son just finished his freshman year of high school and left this weekend for a month as a counselor in training. I took the opportunity to really clean his room, as I do every year, meaning under the bed, etc. I found a container with pot and a pipe, as well as a bottle with some kind of sweetish smelling alcohol. My first instinct was to come down hard on him. Another part of me wants to be realistic and frame it in terms of brain development and safety. We do talk about drugs and alcohol, so he knows that we do not approve of underage consumption, particularly because of the effects on decision making and brain development. We live in SF, where pot is legal, so it is easy to get. I don’t want him to think this is OK, but don’t want to make the hiding worse. I can’t talk to him for two more weeks (no phones at camp until the mid-session break). Any advice?

    • Anonymous

      Throw them away, ground him for two weeks, and have a lot of long annoying conversations with him.

      • anne-on

        +1. I agree that demonizing usage isn’t going to work (You’re the worst child ever! you’re going to live under a bridge and never succeed at anything! etc. etc.) but underage drinking and drugs is something parents can and should take a hard line on in regards to punishment/making it clear that it is NOT permitted in your home, not something you approve of, and something that can lead to lots of external negative consequences (police can be involved if you use at someone else’s home, DUIs, loss of scholarships, etc. etc.). I get that everyone sort of expects kids to drink and use drugs but why?! I expect (and I plan to) put a firm line around their using of restricted substances underage.

        • anon

          Yeah, I think this is a good approach. Talk to him rationally, but he broke the rules, not to mention it’s dangerous (which is why the law/rules exist)! What if he drives while impaired?

        • anon for this

          Don’t bring it up while he’s still at camp. You’ll just put a dark cloud over his remaining time. Let him enjoy the time he has there. Maybe even wait a day after he gets home. Then ground him.

          It’s legal, but is it legal if he is underage? I know times have changed, but my parents were very clear that I could make bad decisions re drinking and drugs but they were not going to catch me if I fell. If I got arrested, I should expect to sit in jail until trial because they would not post bail for me. Know your kid and all that, but it was effective for me.

    • Anonymous

      This is totally normal and I think you get that based on how you phrased your question. If you do what my parents did and approach it from a place of punishment then your kid will never confide in you. I’d approach it from a place of curiosity- ie., found this stuff, want to talk about what’s going on, share your experiences from high school and college and just start a dialogue.

      • Anonymous

        Wow lol parenting has changed a lot since I was a kid. I mean there has to be some punishment right? You don’t have to be mean about it but like yeah you broke the rules pretty hard, hope you enjoyed your time away because you won’t be seeing your friends or getting your phone back til school starts.

        • K

          Sure there can be some kind of punishment, but idk, I would try to emphasize safety with this stuff instead of a harsh punishment. Don’t be an enabler but try to talk about not drinking beyond your limit, dangers of doing stuff while high or drunk, stuff like that.

          • anoonnnn

            +1 My parents solution to finding pot in my room was to assume I was one puff away from shooting up heroin, make us all go to family therapy to figure out why I had become the demon seed of the family, etc. Let me tell ya how well that worked out! It fractured the already fractious teenager / parent relationship and I never ever felt comfortable coming to my parents with anything after that.

          • Eh

            Well, I dont want my kid to feel comfortable coming to me with his underage drug use. He shouldn’t feel comfortable with that. If my child is comfortable telling me that he smokes pot as a freshman in high school, I am not doing my job as a parent.

          • Anonymous

            So you don’t want your kid coming to you about it if he wants to stop or wants help standing up for saying no to his friends? That seems weird.

        • Anonymous

          I tend to approach parenting from a place of – what is going to be most effective with this particular kid? If it’s a message about safety and responsibility, great. If you have to throw in a dose of being grounded, fine. As long as it doesn’t backfire, which in the long run is frankly more dangerous.

    • Anonymous

      Am I the only one thinking it’s kind of weird that you’re digging through your kid’s things while he’s not around? I mean, I get cleaning is important, but kids need and deserve privacy. I think maybe it’s time to stop cleaning a fourteen-year-old’s room. Put things away, make him clean his own room, and maybe initiate a “let’s talk about drugs and alcohol” conversation without a “so I snooped!”

      • anonshmanon

        I thought something similar. My mom decluttered my room when I was at summer camp when I was only 10, throwing away a bunch of my lovingly hoarded craft supplies. I felt betrayed, so when you sit down and talk with your son, have a plan in place for dealing with that emotion.

      • Anonymous

        Totally agree, like “Hey, I found this stuff, let’s talk about it, but I also realized that you’re growing up and maybe should have more privacy. Part of that is trusting you to make good decisions…” etc.

      • Anon

        That’s a fine way of parenting for some kids, but also another effective way of parenting, especially for parents of “risk-taker” personalities or “easily peer pressured” personalities. is “this is my home, you are my child, there is no expectation of privacy beyond what I permit” which is totally fair. Giving kids too much space and privacy results in kids getting into stupid situations and their parents have no idea. I want and need to know if my son is doing drugs or drinking underage because it will lead to terrible consequences that he may not outrun if caught. I need to know what my 14 yr old daughter is doing online so she doesn’t run off with an internet stranger we have never heard of.

        Kids feelings are valid, but kids are also extremely dumb. There brains are literally not fully formed enough to appreciate the consequences of their actions. It’s up to a parent to protect them from the dumbest decisions, and limiting privacy is a very valid strategy – as long as parents are open about what is private and what is not (instead of snooping)

        • Anonymous

          Ug, I was a really good kid, and “this is my home, you have no expectation of privacy” caused me to move out the second I could legally do so and engendered a LOT of resentment. They’re kids, but they’re also semi-autonomous human beings, and the goal of parenting is to make them fully autonomous human beings, not to completely shelter them from making bad decisions. There has to be a balance.

    • Anonymous

      Ug, I was a really good kid, and “this is my home, you have no expectation of privacy” caused me to move out the second I could legally do so and engendered a LOT of resentment. They’re kids, but they’re also semi-autonomous human beings, and the goal of parenting is to make them fully autonomous human beings, not to completely shelter them from making bad decisions. There has to be a balance.

      • brokentoe

        Congratulations on avoiding consequences for your illegal behaviors as a young person. Not everyone is so lucky. I doubt the victims of the underage drinking or drugging drivers or those who lost their scholarships after being caught for these behaviors are quite this cavalier.

        • Anonymous

          What? I never ever drove while under the influence. That’s a pretty big leap. I can’t imagine scholarships being impacted either, I recieved merit based scholarships no strings attached.

          • anon

            I think broken toe’s point is being overlooked, perhaps due to phrasing.

            It actually IS illegal, in every state, for minors to smoke pot and drink (with some exceptions for alcohol provided by a parent in the home). So, whether you drive or not, you can get at least a minor in possession (even of alcohol), and could get a misdemeanor possession for marijuana, even if it’s legal for adults in your state. Further, most colleges have conduct codes precluding use by minors and making them conduct violation, and many scholarships have conduct riders where if you violate the code of conduct you lose your scholarship. That is almost ALWAYS a “string” attached whether you remember it or not.

            These are consequences to remind our kids of.

        • Anonymous

          brokentoe, let me guess – you were the girl who sat home alone on Saturday nights because no one wanted to tell you where the good parties were? Because not only were you a killjoy but everyone was afraid you’d rat them out. Please, do your kids a favor – help them to be more socially-adept than you yourself were.

  16. Anonymous

    I worry about “regular” posters who post here often for long periods of time and then stop. For example recently, Wildkitten and Sloane Sabbith. I hope they are well.

  17. LittleBigLaw

    One common issue I seem to hear from former BigLaw attorneys is that the experience destroyed their confidence or something similar, but I’ve never had a good sense of what that really means. Can someone explain what it is about BigLaw practice that seems to undermine so many people’s self-confidence?

    • Anonymous

      The constant nasty feedback? The lack of clear direction? Never finding the hidden ball?

    • Anonymous

      You can never do anything right. Everything you draft will come back with some comment. It’s mostly because the partners want to feel like they’ve done something for the $1k/hr they’re charging the client to review your work. But still, it sucks to feel like nothing you do is ever 100%.

      And that’s just nice partners, there are plenty of awful personalities. I worked for one guy who was an atrocious writer. Everything he wrote was in super complicated, paragraph-long sentences littered with passive voice. He routinely told me my writing was awful and I would never make it as a lawyer. I’ve worked with some screamers; when it’s late and everyone’s cranky they’re going to yell at you.

      Partners/sr associates will take credit for your work when it’s good and throw you under the bus when you made an error that they didn’t catch. Basically you never get any praise, but every minor error is the end of the world.

      And god forbid you make an actual mistake. Which you will because you’re working for 10+ different partners who all act like you have 20 hours a day to give to them. They will throw you under the bus to the client, the judge, whoever will listen, then back up the bus and run over you again. And again. Any adverse decision will be a direct result of your mistake, even if it’s totally unrelated and happens like 2 year later.

      • DC Energy Attorney

        +1000. On the plus side of being constantly beaten down, you eventually stop caring so much. I remember as a 1st/2nd year associate, I was constantly in fear of making a mistake, getting yelled at, etc. After awhile, it just is too much to handle, and at least for me, my natural reaction was to just stop caring (very surprising, because I’ve always been an overachiever that gives at least 150% to everything).

    • nature of the law

      There’s not much margin for error- no, it’s not surgery, but lawyers are expensive and you are either being hired to deal with someone else’s mistake or to prevent issues from arising down the line. The pressure to be 100% perfect all the time can be exhausting. Getting it wrong could mean you get fired or sued.
      Lawyers aren’t given much in the way of job-related management/leadership training. Sure, we may have an occasional seminar about working with the different generations, but other than that, there’s nothing. Billable hours also mean that there’s not much time to develop those skills. Some lawyers are naturally good leaders and teachers and those are great people to work for and learn from. Others are not. If you make the firm a lot of money, they may put up with your behavior and just replace the associates.
      FWIW, I think the above issues relate to all law, not just big firms (I’ve been at firms of all sizes). I came out of one small firm thinking I was the dumbest person in the world because my partner was pretty terrible to work for and churned through associates. It took a while to get my confidence back after that experience.

      • Anonymous

        +1 this reflects my experience at 2 very small firms (less than 10 attorneys)

    • cbackson

      People who go into biglaw tend to have been lifelong overachievers. The first few years in biglaw have an enormously steep learning curve, typically – you feel stupid a lot of the time. And the environment often isn’t super-nurturing, so you feel like you’re screwing up constantly, and no one is really providing assurance that this is normal and expected.

    • Anonymous

      I think in a lot of jobs you get praise when you do things well. In Big Law (even working with nice partners and senior associates) you pretty much only get negative comments. No one is going to be patting you on the head – if you’re not getting a lot of criticism and you’re being given increased responsibility, then you’re doing great, but it takes a while to learn that. For me, after an initial adjustment period it wasn’t bad. The hours wore me down but I didn’t feel like I was doing a bad job.

  18. Anonymous

    I read Little Fires Everywhere over the weekend and loved it. Does anyone have suggestions for similar types of books about tensions between/among families?

    • NOLA

      I haven’t read Little Fires Everywhere, so I can’t speak to similarities, but have you read The Nest? The characters are intriguing, if somewhat unlikable. Lots of family tension and intrigue amongst the siblings.

    • anon.

      Loved Little Fires too! Some others –

      Sons and Daughters of Ease and Plenty (Ramona Ausubel)
      The Interestings (Meg Wolitzer) – friends, not strictly family, but not unlike what you may be looking for
      Modern Lovers (Emma Straub)
      This is Where I Leave You (Jonathan Tropper)

    • Books

      I can’t think of any that I would say are extremely similar to Little Fires Everywhere, but some others that I enjoyed and would categorize as similar-ish and to some extent all deal with family tensions are:

      Shelter by Jung Yun
      Stay With Me by Ayobami Adebayo
      An American Marriage by Tayari Jones
      Beartown by Fredrik Backman
      The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D. by Nichole Bernier

    • Anonymous

      Her first book, Everything I Never Told You, is similar (but not as good, imo)

      • Lana Del Raygun

        Huh, I think Everything I Never Told You is better (also sadder, so fair warning).

      • Anonymous

        Agreed, I was really disappointed by Everything I Never Told You. So much hype over it…and it was very meh.

    • Anonymous

      I think Meg Wolitizer and Ann Pachett tackle a lot of similar themes in their books.

    • Lise

      I loved Little Fires too! In addition to Saints for All Ocasions and Commonwealth, which I very much second, I also liked these books with family themes recently:

      The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin
      The Wangs v. The World by Jane Chang (this one is written in a more lighthearted style but the themes aren’t light, if that makes sense)

    • Anonymous

      This Is How It Always Is and A Place for Us (different authors). I only have a few chapters left of A Place for Us, and I’m pre-sad that it will be over.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know how similar they are to Little Fires Everywhere, but all of these books focus on families and the complicated relationships within them:

      Middlesex.
      Pachinko.
      Turtles All the Way Down (esp between sisters).
      Sing Unburied Sing.
      Exit West (esp between a couple).
      Purple Hibiscus (more of a coming of age novel, but there are a lot of interesting family dynamics).
      The Snow Child.

      • Anonymous

        I was confusing Turtles All the Way Down with Tell the Wolves I’m Home. I read them in the same month earlier this year. They’re both good, but Tell the Wolves I’m Home has the sisters.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks all. I read (and loved) both Commonwealth and The Nest. Looking forward to all these other suggestions.

  19. Anonymous

    What little luxury has made a big difference in your life?

    I was recently given some pretty tea towels from Anthro. I’m surprised how happy they make me feel and how much brighter my kitchen looks. I’ve been missing out on pretty tea towels my whole life and never knew it!

    • Anon

      Similar to the tea towels- I was given a very fancy set of silver measuring spoons as a kind of thank you gift a while back and I never would have guessed how much I enjoy them. I have them hanging on a little hook beneath my cabinets because they’re both pretty and convenient and I love it!

    • Anonymous

      I bought a mousepad that looks like an oriental rug for my dresser. I keep my contacts and solution on it, so that I don’t have to wipe the drips off my dresser anymore. It feels SO luxurious and it was $8.

      I bought velvet hangers for my entire closet and now I feel like I can see my clothes and not a mish mash of hangers when I look in my closet.

      I bought an Anthro dish towel and matching apron, and it feels like such a treat to cook now.

      • Aggie

        I agree with the velvet hangers. The Container Store had a BOGO on velvet hangers and I finally pulled the trigger. My closet looks so much more neat and tidy.

      • Anonymous

        Velvet hangers are a must in my teeny tiny closet. I can fit so much in there. Downside, I have the black ones and they shed black dust everywhere.

    • anon

      I bought a fun citrus coconut shower gel and a loofah/body sponge and it’s really made me look forward to showers.
      Also, I love getting OPI colors at Marshalls. They have tons of colors for 3.99. Hard to pass up!

      • pugsnbourbon

        A really good-smelling body wash is such a nice thing to have on an otherwise ordinary day. And I find most of mine at Marshalls, too!

      • Anonymous

        more expensive moisturizer is another one (I typically do drugstore stuff).

    • Anonymous

      Organizational things.

      Buying pretty baskets for my linen closet. $5 store has same ones I had previously bought at Bed Bath & Beyond.

      Buying clear organizers for my medicine cabinet. I like just opening the door to my medicine cabinet.

      Fresh blueberries in my fridge. Always.

    • Anonymous

      Good quality linens, good quality salt & pepper grinder.

      I have a huge tea towel collection and most of them are from Anthro!! Love it.

      • Anonymous

        Along that line, really good quality olive oil.

        I use it now instead of butter to “finish” dishes. Its delicious and (a bit) healthier.

        My new favorite snack is air popped popcorn drizzled with good olive oil, sea salt and lots of black pepper.

        • Ouch! That hurts

          Olive Oil with garlic from Star Fine Foods on their own internet “page”

  20. Carrots

    For anyone interested in joining the DC ‘rettes for a meetup, we’ll be meeting tomorrow evening (July 10th) at the Pina Colada festival kick off (Facebook link to the event coming in a reply!). We haven’t decided on the super secret ‘rette signal yet though :-)

  21. Encouragement

    Wanted to throw out an encouragement to all the newbie attorneys who feel like things will never get easier. While I still have my days, I have invested a little time during the last few weeks to reading confidence/business/leadership books and listening to podcasts about surviving the craziness of law (for background: I love practicing at my firm, so I definitely see this as the long-term goal). I usually do this during lunch to unplug from the screen and listen to podcasts on my commute/while I get ready.

    I went through a few epic fails during my first year that made me question whether I could do this or if I was good enough. I feel like I am finally in a really good spot and these resources have helped so much. Obviously, I have so much to learn, but excited about what I do (again). If that is where you are, don’t hesitate to look at resources. Interestingly enough, the best part of these coaching resources was the time we took to deconstruct why I wanted to achieve X and whether it was because I wanted it or because of external forces.

    I stumbled upon the resources by way of Googling, so not pushing any particular program, just wish someone would have told me earlier that these were out there!

    • LittleBigLaw

      This is encouraging and timely! (See my Debbie Downer post above) Mind sharing helpful podcasts/book recommendations? I’ve tried a few law-focused podcasts before but never found anything that really resonated.

      • Encouragement

        Books:
        – How Women Rise
        – The Myth of the Nice Girl
        – Present Over Perfect
        – Chasing Slow
        (The last two are not law related at all, but I have always struggled with perfectionist tendencies and always looking forward to the “next” thing. These two were good, summery-reads that have really helped me re-frame my thoughts.)

        Podcasts:
        – Hustle & Flow by Heather Hubbard
        – Lawyers Stress Solution by Kara Lowentheil (she discontinued this podcast and has since re-branded, but these are super great)

    • Anon

      Thanks for the encouragement and I will add some of my own: as a 4th year, I finally feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t feel like I know nothing every single day. There is still plenty to learn and that I don’t know but those first few years where I felt constantly panicked because everything I did was new and unfamiliar seem to have passed. That being said, can you share what podcasts you listened to? Always interested in other people’s strategies.

      • Encouragement

        Thank you for the encouragement! It’s always great to hear from folks down the road.

        I posted the recs. under my first reply, but stuck in mod. I’ll check tonight to see if they made it through.

  22. IM at work

    For those of you who use some type of internal IM at work – Slack, Skype, etc – I’m curious about how casual or formal your conversations on it. It’s an inherently casual medium like texting, but that’s obviously very different from most work related communication like emails.

    • Anonymous

      I slack like I text, so I use abbreviations like “k” or “TY” or stuff like that. I’m aware my employer can read every word, so the content of my Slack conversations isn’t really any different than email. It’s mostly work related and occasionally small talk about benign stuff (“how was your weekend?”) but nothing remotely private or inappropriate.

    • CountC

      I’m not Skyping the CEO, so generally, they are casual (use of emoticons is prevalent throughout the company with those I Skype with). I use it for quick business questions, but also for quick catch ups with my work friends as we are spread out all over the place. Even though the conversations are logged, I use email primarily for tracking and recording discussions.

  23. Anonymous

    Can anyone speak to their experiences going from the non-profit world to the government? My significant other is considering an offer at a mid-level. The commute is much longer (15 min to 45-60 min) but the pay is better and it’s a step up on the resume, which could lead to future opportunities. I want to be supportive but I’m worried it will be more stressful.

    • Panda Bear

      Of course, non-profit and government workplaces are very diverse (size/budget/mission/culture/etc), so it’s hard to generalize about what the career shift might look like for your SO. In my experience, the overall stress level at my government jobs was about the same as my non-profit jobs. In the non-profit, we had to worry about external funders, grants, soft money; in the government job, we had to worry about the legislature/governor cutting our budget. On the plus side, the government job was very stable and offered a pension; on the downside, there was a higher proportion of co-workers who were not as passionate about the agency’s mission as at the non-profit. Don’t know if that helps – but again, it’s hard for me to say generally if government work is inherently more stressful than non-profit work.

    • Anonymous

      My SO made that move very recently. In general, it’s really hard to segue into a new industry, so getting that new experience/opportunity AND a step up at once is great. It was actually pretty hard for him to get himself out of the nonprofit niche he chose (and regretted) after law school. He has much less free time and is slightly more stressed, but also more fulfilled and can already see the expanded opportunities. He called his nonprofit work before “slump-shouldered work” and the government job is much less of that, so the tradeoff in stress and vacation days has been more than worth it for him. But of course YMMV.

  24. VP peer support group?

    I’m moving to a VP role at a medium-sized company. I’ve never been an exec before, so this is exciting but also intimidating. Are there peer groups for this kind of thing? I tried looking and found a lot of CEO-focused peer groups and not much else. TIA!

  25. Anonymous

    Just got my nails done before a job interview (law in house), and thought it was going to be a more beigy, neutral pink, but now I have shellac with a more whitish pink. In some lights it looks perfect, but in other lights I think it makes me look super tan (which I’m not). I am planning on wearing a pink dress shirt and navy suit. Would you just try to rock it or have it redone? I am not usually a controversial dresser, but I do like funky jewelry (albeit not for interview), so maybe I should just see how it goes and assume that if they judge me on a bit of an imperfect shade of nails that it wouldn’t be a good fit anyways?

    • Anonymous

      Wow. You need majorly to chill. Really think about what you just asked. Srsly.

        • Anonymous

          Nah, if you think your light pink nail polish is “controversial” then you are indeed the one with the need to chill.

      • Anon

        Every post on this s!te about interview clothes, hair, shoes and nails SCREAM to be conservative. She’s freaking because we’ve made her freak out.

        The nail polish is fine. Go get ’em!

        • Horse Crazy

          Lol right? This s!te has us all trained to be incredibly conservatively dressed…not her fault she thinks this way! You’ll do great!!

      • Old golden loafers

        No need to be rude. Just don’t answer the question and be done with it.

    • Never too many shoes...

      Gently, friend, you might be slightly overthinking this.

      Best of luck on the interview!

      • Anonymous

        +1 – your nails are fine, nobody is going to judge you for being “tan” on your hands (but no where else?)

      • Anonymous

        Yeah that’s exactly what I said and you called me a meanie. Gently, grow up.

      • Ellen

        Yes, forget the OP who told you to chill. We need to look good and there is nothing wrong with looking a little tanned. If you get the job, you will have plenty of time to perfect your coloring, as you will be in house, and that mean’s you outsource all of the dirty work to outside councill (like me) and you have your night’s and weekend’s free! YAY for you! I hope you get the job. If you need serius litigation expereince, call me if you are in NYC, as I am now a named partner at my law firm. DOUBEL YAY!

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re stressing about this way more than you need to. No judgement, I’ve definitively done that before an interview (I actually facetimed a friend to get her opinion on which of two almost identical pairs of earrings to wear). I wouldn’t worry about your nails unless they were showing up neon pink. Just rock them and rock the interview! :)

      • Anonymous

        Thank you to the kind ones on here offering encouragement. :-) To the rest of you, remember the Golden Rule? Or maybe you should google it. Srsly.

      • Kat in VA

        I replied before I saw your reply and I’ve done the same thing – THESE earrings or THOSE earrings?

        Fortunately, my friend is super blunt and just told me to pick a pair and quit freaking out.

    • Kat in VA

      I think you’re good. As long as it’s clean with no raggedy edges or chips, unless it’s a truly out there color, folks will notice less subtle shades and more “nails clean, good” – if they even think that far.

      Sometimes I don’t have time to get to the salon or do my own nails, so I slap on a quick coat of barely-there pink that makes it look like my nails aren’t done at all. I just make sure they’re even with no broken raggedy edges or anything.

      You’re good!

      And for the people who are banging on you for worrying about a seemingly inconsequential detail – I’ve been interviewing as well and sometimes will spend a few moments debating on earrings, or whether I should wear a necklace AND earrings because that might be too much, and so on. When you have a lot riding on an interview, even the tiniest stuff can have you worried.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you. Blunt is fine (just not rude or judgmental) – that’s what I’m looking for – some objective advice. As a “millennial” I sometimes worry my judgment about nails might not be the same as more seasoned managers’. Good to know my choice of no-french tips wasn’t totally off. Good luck on your interviews, too!

        • KateMiddletown

          Never french tips! Other than that, rock whatever color your heart desires.

          • anon

            this is exactly the kind of thing that makes people freak out over what seems like silly stuff.

            NEVER FRENCH TIPS!!!!

            why? a french manicure is classic.

          • Pretty Primadonna

            anon @ 12:38 am, I agree with NO FRENCH TIPS! They are so tacky, in my opinion. And I have thought this for a decade or more.

  26. Daily Harvest?

    Has anyone tried this service? I’m intrigued, but I’ve been burned before by intriguing social media advertising. Any experience?

  27. Anonymous

    What would you do if you had a little extra money lying around? DH and I have come into a small inheritance. We’re putting most of it the bank and using some of it to take a vacation, but we’d like to use a little bit of the money to make our lives nicer on a daily basis. We already have a cleaning service and DH doesn’t mind grocery shopping and cooking, so he doesn’t want food delivery. We both eat lunch out pretty regularly and I’m not into beauty products or massages.

    • anon

      Oh man, I can think of a zillion ways I’d spend the money. Do you have any home renos you’ve been wanting to do? This can be as little as getting a closet system. Or any furniture you’d like to upgrade? Vacations you’d like to take? Wardrobe upgrades? New car? I can’t tell whether you have children, but college funds are good too.

      If you really can’t think of anything that excites you now, don’t get something just because you suddenly have some extra cash.

      • Anon

        Oooh, I actually hadn’t thought of this before, but I’d definitely do a custom closet system if this were me! Or invest in a long-term luxury good, like a really nice leather couch.

    • anon a mouse

      Depending on the amount of $ and your lifestyle, why not upgrade something that you would appreciate regularly? If you like cooking, maybe a new high-end range or a gas line to outside with an installed natural gas grill. Or a new bed and mattress (or maybe something smaller, like luxury linens for your existing bed). Redo a shower to fancy full-body jets? Heated floors in your master bath? Repaint rooms, or upgrade lighting fixtures throughout the house?

      If you are into fitness, hire a personal trainer to come to your house? Or spend it on some sort of fitness event in a fantastic vacation location?

      You could also plan ahead and throw a bananas holiday/NYE party.

    • Anon

      If I had extra 10K, I’d add it to rainy day fund and have the daily luxury of knowing I have it.
      If I had extra 50K, I’d buy a new car in cash (one with leather seats and enough space for 4 of us plus another couple). Or, if I had the car already, I would take a month unpaid leave from work and catch up on all the deferred home maintenance (which would mean hiring out and spending all of the money past 1mo paycheck).
      If I had extra 500K, I’d buy that vacation house we’ve been talking about.

  28. Anonymous

    La de da nothing I post is actually posting no matter what I say it’s all going into mod which is so super cool love it

    • Anonymous

      I think every single post is going into mod. This is crazy-making, I gotta find something else to do with my day.

      • Anonymous

        Mine are just randomly going into moderation.

        I had one long post that made it through. Who knows why. Then I had a post blocked that was only one word – “totally”.

        Maybe the update the worked on over the weekend still has some kinks.

  29. Anonymous

    Has anyone ever had a relationship turn out well with a guy who at first had poor s*x etiquette? I’ve been seeing a guy I was really excited about. He spent the night for the first time over the weekend.

    It was… not great. He was very generous in some ways – that part was fantastic. But there were a few things that seemed pretty off. Like when we were going to start PIV he didn’t offer to grab a c*ndom I had to ask. Which I guess fine maybe? But then the second time he again didn’t put one on until I asked; I’m glad I said something because I assumed he had one on when he was just going for it. He also bit one n*pple too hard which I guess that happens but then he wouldn’t leave them alone, I said ow a couple times, he kept at it, until I finally told I was going to ask him to leave if he didn’t stop. He spent the night and snored so loudly I had to sleep in the couch. When I got up to make us breakfast he left without explanation, though he did text later to apologize for not being able to stay.

    I’m so confused! He seemed so nice before. He’s also a friend of a friend not someone I met online so I’ll see him out occasionally. I’m inclined to decline any further dates but I know our friends are going to call me too picky if I don’t explain what went wrong (which no I’m not going to). Should I give him another chance?

    • Senior Attorney

      Good grief are you saying he just… left without saying goodbye?

      That would be a total deal breaker for me. And in fact all of it would be pretty deal-breakery.

      JSFAMO.

      • Anonymous

        He said goodbye kind of from the door? The coffee grinder was running so I could hear him say something but couldn’t tell what. When he didn’t come into the kitchen I went out to him and he was walking out the door. So I said oh I didn’t realize you were leaving and he gave me a hug and peck and said he’d see me next weekend ??? I’d already told him I was making breakfast so idk.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve never made breakfast for a guy after a first time at my house–but that is the only part of your comment that gave me pause.

      He doesn’t sound so nice now. He sounds self-absorbed and irresponsible. Not wanting to use protection? Its 2018! I would not want to be with someone who doesn’t default to protection. That’s a non-negotiable with me unless we are committed and monogamous.

      Also, if you said ow and he kept doing it…not cool.

      And you slept on your couch? You poor thing. This just sounds terrible. I would cut my losses and move on. If friends ask, just say you don’t have that spark. He sounds like a mess in bed, but don’t make his mess your mess.

      • OP

        Oh really I always make breakfast! Mostly because I’m hungry and it seems like a jerk move to make breakfast for myself and not him.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely not.

      The only things you posted that I wouldn’t blame him for was the snoring. Unless he was drunk/drank so much that he was oversedated, which can make you snore worse.

      So I probably blame him for everything.

      Block him. Or reply to one text, “I’m not interested in getting together again.”

    • Anonymous

      He did act kind of weirdly and it’s possible he’s very awkward (if you’re being very generous, maybe he thought you sleeping on the couch meant you hated him and he was mortified), he could be just be a jerk, who knows. If you’re curious ask him about those things and get it out into the open, it sounds like there’s nothing to use. An answer to “hey, why’d you run out after I started making breakfast?” might be revealing. Though even if he does start acting decently, a long term relationship with a loud snorer is not for the faint of heart.

    • Another anon

      Agree with what everyone else said. What you’re describing (and during the first time you’ve gardened!) is pretty off the reservation and you should feel great about walking away.

      Also that is crazy that your friends would call you too picky for not wanting to go out with him again. Even if he had great gardening etiquette and is a fantastic guy, you are still entitled to decide he’s not for you.

    • NYCer

      He left without saying goodbye?! Or he just declined to stay for breakfast? Two very different things in my opinion. The first is inexcusable and I would definitely never see him again. The second is less offensive – I remember when I was newly dating people I sometimes wouldn’t want to stick around in the morning, even if breakfast was offered.

      As for the other issues you described, if I otherwise liked the guy, I would probably give him another chance. To each their own in that department though.

      • OP

        I told him I was going to go make breakfast. While I was running the coffee grinder, I heard him say something from the other room. I called, can’t hear you!, expecting him to come to the kitchen. When he didn’t, I went to the other room and saw him walking out the door. I was like, um hi whatcha doing? And he said he was going to head out, gave me a peck, said see you next week. So basically he didn’t try to come to me to give me a nice goodbye or even make sure I knew he was leaving.

    • Anonymous

      No no no no no. You deserve better. So so so much better. This guy is total scum.

    • Anon

      Thank goodness I am not a man. As this is what I would be like if I were because I am so awkward. But this is just not acceptable or cute and he needs to work on his manners and social skills. Just not with you. He blew it with you. FWIW as awkward as I am, I did go out of my way to be polite when I was dating (knowing that my awkwardness often makes me seem rude).

  30. Bathroom Reno

    We are renovating our upstairs bathroom, which is off a hallway and shared among three bedrooms. In other words, it’s the main bathroom for the whole family (2 parents, two preschool/toddler kids). There is a weird unused space that we are going to put something in. Which of the following would you rather have?
    1 – Second toilet and sink (in a separate room, probably making the master bedroom an en-suite) or
    2 – Upstairs laundry (we would turn the space into a laundry closet that opens to the hallway, laundry is currently in the basement).
    My husband and I disagree on the correct answer here, so I’m interested in other opinions.

    • Pen and Pencil

      Second toilet and sink making the master into an en-suite. Laundry is noisy and hot, making it potentially miserable to have upstairs if you run laundry at night vs in the basement where you can’t hear it upstairs. Also if your washer leaks, it doesn’t flood the second story of the house and the ceiling of the first story. Plus when your kids are older you will appreciate having more bathrooms to get ready in.

    • Anonymous

      Master bathroom will do way more for your resale value than an upstairs laundry. Is there any way to squeeze a shower stall in somewhere? Two full baths upstairs would be a great selling point.

    • Anonymous

      En suite. We have both and upstairs laundry is great- but the en suite is a must have.

    • anne-on

      En suite (even just a half bath!) will greatly increase your resale value and make you all SO MUCH less crowded/happier.
      If there is any way at all to cram in a shower stall I’d do it.

    • Bathroom Reno

      Thanks everyone – you are vindicating my position! My husband (who does most of the laundry) doesn’t understand why a want an en-suite bathroom so badly. He is from a European country where older buildings and one bathroom per family are normal for all but the most wealthy families, grew up sharing one bathroom with three siblings and his parents, and thinks it was no big deal. I grew up as an only child who had my own bathroom and think it’s going to be super annoying to share a bathroom with two teens. We intend to stay in this home indefinitely, so resale is not as big a factor for us, but I’ll use that argument with my husband anyway!

      I would love to get a shower stall in as well, but I think it’s going to be hard unless we give up the tub in the main bath (which we would never do, see: young kids). We do have a second shower in the basement guest room, at least.

      • Clementine

        Here’s the argument that convinced my friend’s ‘we only need the one bathroom!’ husband:

        ‘Have you ever thought about what would happen if we all got the stomach flu/food poisoning at once?’

        …yeah. Get the second bathroom.

      • Anonymous

        Ugh, now I know which side is which.

        My advice was going to be: second bathroom, and whomever wants the en suite bathroom can take laundry duty.

        So, um, you’re in charge of schlepping the clothes….? Maybe agree to that to sell the better option?

        • Bathroom Reno

          Interestingly, you’ve put your finger on the reason my husband wants the laundry room. He currently does all the laundry. That’s not going to change at the moment; he works at home full time, so it’s easy to transfer loads during his hourly stretch breaks. But I will offer to take it over if he ever goes back to working from an office.

  31. Senior Attorney

    Lovely Husband has a small condo in a resort area and we are planning to replace the twin beds with a king. We’re thinking it would be easiest to have a memory foam mattress delivered to our house and then pop it in the back of the car in its package and drive it to the condo.

    So… does anybody have any recommendations? The place isn’t used much at all so we don’t want to spend a lot of money, but of course we want to be able to sleep decently when we are there. There are so many options online that I am just flummoxed.

    Hive? What say you?

    • Scarlett

      We got Tuft & Needle for our second place for the same reason – worked out great & the beds are really comfy. I think I picked them b/c they had a decent coupon out there at the time, but I’d purchase again – customer service was helpful (I needed to change around the shipping dates) & I really like the mattresses.

    • givemyregards

      We bought a memory foam mattress from Amazon (I think it’s a Zinus?) for our guest room that my significant other thinks is more comfortable that on pricey department store mattress and has gotten rave reviews from guests. My recommendation is go for the thickest possible option (12-14 inches) so it fits normal sheets and isn’t too thin at the edges when you sit on it.

      • Anon

        Zinus is my everyday mattress and it is amazing. Available on Prime and super inexpensive.

      • Jules

        DS bought a Zinus for his first real apartment and absolutely loves it. Of course, his back is only 23 years old . . .

      • KateMiddletown

        This – plus you can control shipping and skip lugging it to condo from your house.

    • Torin

      Costco. I bought a king memory foam there for $600 and it’s _incredibly_ comfortable. I like it better than any other mattress I’ve ever slept on. It was the ComfortTech Elite Aurora 12″.

    • Anon

      Zinus from Amazon. It’s our everyday mattress and we also have one in our guest bedroom. No complaints!

    • anon

      I love our Leesa (the one without the coils). Can you sleep in it for a few weeks to trial it out at home before taking it over to your new place? That was you can take advantage of the 90 day return rule.

  32. Boston Day Trips

    Day trip suggestions? I’m in the Boston area and have some vacation time expiring at the end of August. It rolled over from last year. Where would you go? I need day trips because I have a dog, and I always struggle to find good care for her when I’m away. I had a kennel cancel on me before Thanksgiving, and I had a terrible experience with the Rover app, but those are stories for another time.

    • Anonymous

      Boston harbor islands, Newport, Portland, mystic, “farm coast” of MA/RI, the Cape, tanglewood.

      Closer trips: beaches (glouster, Hull, revere, Duxbury, Ipswich depending on your interests). Toward the end of the summer hit up the county fairs- marshfield, topsfield, big E, etc.

      You can probably do MV/ the Cape and find dog friendly accommodations.

    • Anonymous

      There are a lot of dog-friendly hotels in New England if you want to go away for a few days and take the dog. We bring our dog to Bar Harbor, ME every year.

      • Anonymous

        Ohh, maybe. Where should I look, hotels.com? I clearly do not travel for pleasure, thus the expiring vacation days. Do you have a favorite travel site?

        • Anonymous

          You can filter on Yelp and TripAdvisor for hotels with pets allowed (but once you find a suitable hotel, I’d book directly with them).

  33. So Mad

    A couple months ago I booked a hotel room through TripAdvisor for this Friday. However H now has a work conflict on Fri which completely changes our travel plans, so I called the hotel to cancel. After many hours on the phone working through TripAdvisor and then contacting the hotel directly, the hotel is refusing to cancel the reservation. They are saying that because I prepaid, the reservation is non-cancelable. I pleaded with the hotel GM but she is not budging. Is there anything else I can do to get her to cancel the reservation and refund my money?

    • Anonymous

      Sometimes, hotels will allow you to change the dates instead of canceling altogether.

    • HSAL

      Did you get any documentation that it was refundable when you made the reservation? Prepaid rooms that you can’t cancel are really common in my experience, and they’re always clear before you book. Asking for a credit/different dates is probably a more realistic ask, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do besides throwing yourself on their mercy.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Unless the reservation specifically says it’s refundable and the hotel is refusing to honor that, this is your mistake. It would be nice if they let you change the dates, but it’s very common for the hotel to just say “sorry, you’re SOL.”

      • DCR

        +1.

        What does tripadvisor say? In my experience, rooms booked through them are either non-refundable (common) or more expensive and refundable.

    • Torin

      If you prepaid, you likely got a cheaper rate in exchange for losing your ability to cancel.

      • Anonymous

        Yep. Services like TripAdvisor will get you the lowest rate, but sometimes there’s a reason it’s lower than other sites are advertising – because it’s a special non-refundable rate.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re a member of a rewards program and have status, sometimes there are be different rules. Those rules may not apply to the rate, though.

    • Anonymous

      Part of it may also be because you booked through TripAdvisor instead of direct. The hotels are kind of at the mercy of those third party sites a lot of the time (and not happy about it).

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