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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 161 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Blazer with Longline Lapel

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. ASOS Premium Blazer with Longline LapelThis fluid blazer from ASOS is not usually my style (to say nothing of the, ah, quilted leather short shorts), but something about the blazer is calling to me. It just looks effortlessly cool but professional, and looks like a great basic black blazer to keep in your office. AND, it's on sale: was $103, now $82; it's also available in white, still full price and almost totally sold out. ASOS Premium Blazer with Longline Lapel Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. DC Wonkette

    I highly recommend searching for “leather shorts” on the ASOS webpage. Holy fashion fail, batman.

      • Anonymous

        Dr. Zoe Hart wears them pretty often. So apparently sassy NYC-raised doctors living in a small fictional Southern town are the market for leather shorts.

        • Sadie

          I love that show because it’s such fun, and I love and hate Wade so much. However, her clothes are ridiculous. I guess she’s supposed to look “new york” compared to the trapped in the 50’s ladies of Bluebell, but I am fairly certain that actual surgeons in NYC do not tromp to surgery in leather shorts and stiletto boots.

          • Wildkitten

            I love her costumes. Glee is similiar – nobody in public high school in Lima, Ohio is wearing $500 Kate Spade dresses to class, but they are pretty to look at!

          • Philanthropy Girl

            @Wildkitten, actually *being* from Lima, Ohio – I mostly enjoy Glee for two things: amazing musical talent and the gross misrepresentation of a sad little midwest town.

    • Ellen

      Yay! cute blazer, but the SHORT’s are not for me, not with my leg’s and tuchus! I am workeing out a lot in the hotel gym here in Pitsburgh and alot of men are stoppeing by the window and stareing in, but I think they are watching the sport’s chanel that is stuck on — FOOEY! In NYC, I can change the chanel but here it is on this ONE chanel. So many guy’s are weareing beard’s b/c the HOCKEY team is in the play off’s and now this guy tell’s me that I am the enemy b/c I live in NYC. I told him I do NOT play hockey or even watch it — Alan watched alot of hockey and even took me mabye 2x to game’s, but these guy’s skate around and punch each other and hit their hockey stick’s at each other if they cant hit the hockey puck all day! And they dont even have many teeth b/c of all the fighteing!

      So I said this to him and he laffed, then said I would make a great Pengiun team mascot — why would he say that. He also asked if I had a boyfreind so I said I did. He also had a scruffie beard, but at least he had nice teeth! I think the guy’s here could realy use a shave! FOOEY!

      I got good stuff with mom when we went shoppeing, and beleive or not, my tuchus seem’s to be getting smaller! Even mom said I seem leaner here. I have not eaten to much — alot of coffee, but NO donut’s and NO crumb’s either! Mabye I can loose 10 pound’s and find a man when I get back to NYC! I hope so. Yay!!!!!

      Dad keep’s askeing about my tuchus b/c he is not abel to track me on my FITBIT here. I wonder if the wifi here is diferent, and therefor I am free from his nosy comment’s about workeing out? I still carry the fitbit, b/c he made me fully charge it b/f we left b/c he said he would know how much I walked. FOOEY!

      Sam texted me and asked if I would want to go to his firm’s Spring Event, which is like a PROM for grownup’s. Who else has that? I said the last time I went to prom, my date got realy fresh, and I had to leave him b/c he was ruining my prom dress by tryeing to grabb my boobie’s. DOUBEL FOOEY, and b/c of that guy, in college and law school, I stayed away from any party where we had to dress up. So I told Sam this and he said that he would buy me a new event dress if I went w/him and he promised NOT to grabb my boobie’s. So I said OK b/c mom said I should. We will see what hapens, but I do NOT him grabbeing at me during the prom. TRIPEL FOOEY!

  2. Pillows?

    TJ: Where can I go to buy high-quality bed pillows in person (sleeping ones, not decorative ones)? I’m in the Boston area.

    We’re looking to upgrade our old IKEA pillows, but I have no idea where to buy them except for online. I’d prefer somewhere with a selection of soft to firm pillows kind of like IKEA has. So far, the only place I’ve found is Frette, and I’m not so keen on paying $500 for a pillow.

      • locomotive

        I just bought these too! They’re great. My roommate has foam ones from Costco she also likes.

    • ITDS

      I got one from Bed Bath Beyond. Beware – cheap pillows with polyester stuffing make squeaking sounds when you turn over – not great for a good night’s sleep.

    • Regina Phalange

      If you ever come up to Maine, there is a Cuddledown outlet in Freeport. They usually have lots of pillows, from basic one to super fancy expensive ones.

      • Coach Laura

        I love Cuddledown. I would suggest that you check their online sales for bargains.

    • Mischief Managed

      I have some great down pillows from Target, if you’re looking for down. I originally bought one and ended up replacing all my pillows with the same kind.

  3. Pillows?

    (ugh, moderation…sorry for the double post)

    TJ: Where can I go to buy high-quality bed pillows in person (sleeping ones, not decorative ones)? I’m in the Boston area.

    We’re looking to upgrade our old IKEA pillows, but I have no idea where to buy them except for online. I’d prefer somewhere with a selection of soft to firm pillows kind of like IKEA has.

    • KLG

      I’m not near Boston but our local Target has a pretty wide selection of pillows.

    • Lily-Student

      To be honest I’d just replace the IKEA ones with new ones of the same. I’m fussy about pillows and the IKEA ones I bought for university are the best ones I’ve ever had.

      • rosie

        This is what we did, too. I just find the Ikea pillows (and comforter selection) very easy to browse. Otherwise I’d second the BBB recommendation. The Costco near us doesn’t have a huge selection, so if you like one of the ones they have, it works, but if you want to be able to see all different materials and firmness pillows, there may not be enough to make a selection.

      • Parfait

        I’ve bought spendy pillows and cheap ones and they all seem to wear out at the same rate. I’m not sure it pays to invest in a pillow.

    • People's Republic

      We have down pillows from Macy’s. They were pretty spendy (probably not in the grand scheme of pillows, but for our budget), but they are a serious game changer. We LOVE them. Natick has a Macy’s (and so does Downtown X’ing, but I don’t know if they have home goods).

  4. AIMS

    I like the blazer.

    Morning TJ: a black pen spilled in my black bag. Not terribly noticeable but there’s a shiny spot and it bugs me. Any ideas on how to fix this?

      • Wildkitten

        You can buy leather cleaner. I use a very gentle facial cleanser on my leather, but I would get real leather cleaner if my bags were more expensive.

    • tesyaa

      What’s the bag made of? You can try a solvent like Goo Gone but it might damage the finish of the bag, so test in an inconspicuous spot. It also leaves a lemony odor that can be overpowering. Because trying to remove the spot might do more harm than good (I know this from experience), if the spot is small, give yourself a week or so to get used to it… you might find it’s not so bothersome.

    • NOLA

      Inside? What color is the lining? Depending on the ink, alcohol would dissolve it.

      Related question – my summer bad has a red lining and it’s gotten a bit dirty in the place where I put my hand in to get my keys and phone. I don’t want to do something that would discolor it. Any ideas how to safely clean it?

      • tesyaa

        For just run of the mill dirt, I would try cleaning it with baby wipes and letting the cloth air dry.

        • tesyaa

          I also use baby wipes on clothing, for food spills, pencil marks, pretty much anything until I have a chance to launder or clean properly. I have them at work and at home.

          • NOLA

            I think I have some dry cleaning fluid. I’ll try that! It just looks dingy at the top of that center zip pocket.

      • Fiona

        I believe hair spray is supposed to remove ink from leather, but I’ve never tried it myself. For these things in my life, I always take them to our local cobbler. He’s got the most tools/potions to fix things like this and the most experience. And if it doesn’t work, I’m really no worse off then I was before. If you really like the bag and are worried the process might ruin it, I’d likely leave it for a while and see if time helped it bother me less.

        NOLA, for cleaning the lining, I’d start with a damp sponge and scrub with plain water. See how it looks after a few tries of that. Otherwise, sometimes I bring stuff like that to my dry cleaner (or cobbler). More tools to clean with and all that.

      • AIMS

        Outside. On the front pocket, no less. Its really not too noticeable because it’s black on black, but if you look closely you see the inky spot because it’s very shiny whereas the bag has a more muted finish. I’m going to try baby wipes and go from there…. A cobbler is a good idea, too.
        Thanks all!

        • NOLA

          Fwiw, hair spray is recommended because it contains alcohol. I’m wondering if some kind of leather cleaner or saddle soap would reduce the shininess.

    • Burgher

      My Mom’s trick for getting out pen ink is hairspray. I assume it’s the alcohol, but works like a charm.

  5. Lily-Student

    Excellent, I got a jacket very like this in the BR sale last summer. Will be breaking that out with (neither leather nor quilted) shorts this summer then.

  6. Askingforafriend

    So, I actually kinda love the quilted leather short shorts, for going out in summer with a tank and some great shoes, but do we think they’d be too hot ? And can someone who is not an 18 year old model pull them off?

    • emeralds

      Meh, I say go for it, if you’re interested. Nothing to lose by trying on a pair or two. They shouldn’t be too hot, as long as they’re not skin tight, right?

    • Olivia Pope

      My summer is very humid, so wearing leather anything sounds horrible to me! Even short shorts.

    • hoola hoopa

      The blogger on Aint No Mama Jeans wears leather shorts – you could see what season. I feel like she has worn them in summer… I think in Philly, but honestly I can’t remember where she is. (She’s in her 30’s and slender).

      Summer here isn’t usually humid, so I can see it working in the evening.

  7. mintberrycrunch

    Maybe it’s the proportions with the shorts throwing me off, but this looks way too big on the model to be a professional wear-over-anything office blazer IMO.

  9. Not So Frugal Friday

    Update about the LK Bennett Tan Fitted Dress (color is actually so Tan makes for a weird name) I posted about last Friday. I ordered the dress on Friday and it arrived yesterday very nicely packaged. The dress fits well except for the length — pretty standard for me given that I am only 5 feet tall. The dress is lovely but as someone else noted the fabric is weird and seems like it would crease easily. I am probably sending it back soon.

    Link: http://us.lkbennett.com/Clothing/Dresses/Tan-Fitted-Dress/p/DRTANACETATEMIXRedBordeaux?nr=9&product=9

  10. Anon for Today

    My spouse’s career is imploding. He’s been laid off four times in the last five years, and while he attributes it to economics, I strongly suspect that isn’t all that going on here. At the same time, my career is taking off and I’ve eclipsed him in terms of career growth and opportunity. I just don’t know what to do at this point, and I’m really frustrated with being the “safety net” when it inevitably keeps happening and watching him tool around the house and goof off while I bust my butt. I’ve told him I think his habits are part of the problem, but it isn’t sinking in and he seems resentful of me pointing it out. Anyone have suggestions on how to deal?

    • NOLA

      I went through this. I had a spouse who was really good at getting jobs but not good at keeping them. He had a very different idea of hard work than I did and had authority issues that caused him to implode with supervisors. I tried really hard to talk through some of his issues with making sure the job he was taking was a good fit. He was really good at selling himself for a job but wasn’t good at making sure the job was a good fit for him and that the organization was a good fit for him. That and other issues that were about him. He was unemployed when we divorced. I think he has kept a job longer but recently saw something that led me to believe he was, once again, unemployed (calling it “private practice”). But he is no longer my problem. Sorry I can’t offer any better advice.

    • S

      You need a really good therapist to help you look at the situation honestly and decide how you can change the things you can control. This sounds really difficult. I strongly recommend counseling.

    • tesyaa

      I think this is one of those “you can’t change your spouse; your spouse has to want to change” questions. Sorry not to be more helpful.

    • roses

      I’d be resentful too, honestly, if my spouse’s first assumption was that getting laid off was my own fault. Is he in an industry where layoffs are common? And have you asked him if *he* feels like something tends to precipitate his layoffs? Is he even happy in his industry – that is, would a career change help make things better, either in terms of job satisfaction or stability? There are just so many other reasons for repeated layoffs (assuming that indeed, he is being laid off rather than fired for performance) that are not directly attributable to being lazy or whatever that it’s offensive to assume that’s the reason.

      • Anon for Today

        Definitely wasn’t my assumption on the first couple, but yeah, after four layoffs, I start to think it’s not a coincidence.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Is he a young lawyer? I’ve seen a lot of mid-size firms struggle to stay afloat. They hire (in my opinion unethically) knowing they are not doing well. After a year or so, they realize they can’t afford the new hires and they fire them for “not meeting hours” when in reality the poor people had no chance because there was not enough work to go around.

          • Meg Murry

            There are other industries that do that as well. A moderately large company in my former industry was well known (to insiders) to go on hiring binges, then major layoffs in 3-7 year cycles, and some of the smaller players pretty much used the big company as free training so they could hire the laid off employees cheap. The laid off employees were generally bitter (who can blame them) and it made for ugly work conditions in the whole industry. We were a specialty supplier mainly to the automotive industry, although those who knew better quickly learned to take the skills from that industry and apply them to other more stable industries that didn’t boom and bust based on how many contracts they did or didn’t get that year.

        • Dulcinea

          When you say “Laid off,” do you mean he and some other people were let go because of budgeting or the like, or do you mean he was actually fired?

    • DontBlameTheKids

      Definitely look at counseling for you both before the resentment gets out of hand. Also, if he’s currently unemployed, is he at least doing a fair share of the house work? I don’t mean all of it, but like 75% or something.

    • Wildkitten

      Outsource! I’d hire him a career counselor as a present to help him be as successful as his potential allows. Also I’d also be pretty peeved if my spouse told me that losing my job was my own fault, even if it was. And if he’s in an industry where he loses his job a lot maybe y’all could work on saving when he has a job so that you have a cushion for the in between times.

        • roses

          I think Wildkitten’s suggestion is a good one if feasible for the OP, but I wish we could stop calling outsourcing a “grown-up hack.” It’s really a hack for people with disposable income. There are plenty of “grown up”, mature people out there – think of all of the adults taking care of their elderly parents – who would probably love to outsource but cannot.

          • Former Partner, Now In-House

            That’s probably my fault, but I wasn’t thinking about it that way.

            The first time I saw WK’s hack, it was in response to a poster who wanted her MIL to babysit her kids while she attended a funeral, but MIL also wanted to attend the funeral. WK suggested getting a third party — maybe a friend or maybe a babysitter — who did not have any connection to the funeral to babysit.

            So I thought of it as a “let’s get a third party who has no dog in the fight” hack, not a “let’s pay a third party lots of money not to have a dog in the fight” hack.

            Sorry to offend.

          • roses

            Not offended – didn’t think you had bad intentions or anything. Just prefer being more precise about its applicability. Great article, WK.

    • Diana Barry

      Oof, that is tough. I wonder if there is any way that he can get feedback from one of his past positions? Has he ever held a job for a long time, or has the last 5 years been his whole career? Would he consider getting a career coach? Are there patterns that you can think of in each job that have come before each layoff?

      On the ‘you’ side of the equation, you should think about what if nothing changes. Will you be willing to stay through layoff after layoff?

      • Anon for Today

        He’s claimed to have gotten feedback after the most recent ones (and I know of a few instances that led to the last “layoff” which led his supervisor to believe it wasn’t a good fit – he didn’t have work because no one was giving him work). From my experience, companies these days rarely tell you they’re terminating you for performance – it’s usually couched in as layoff to avoid the discomfort for both parties. Not to say all economic layoffs are performance layoffs in disguise, but in his case they’ve never eliminated an entire group, just a portion of a department, which leads me to believe that performance is often a factor. He’s never held a job for more than 3 years, though it used to be that he’d find something else promising to move on to.

        As to whether I’ll stay if the cycle continues, I don’t know. I asked myself the same thing after the last one and am still here.

        • Diana Barry

          Hmm. If he is amenable to feedback, then I think a career coach and/or therapist would be the next step. And maybe joint therapy as well, if it is affecting you enough that you are thinking about leaving.

        • tesyaa

          Of course, when there are layoffs, they’re going to lay off the least productive performers first. So even if it’s a true layoff, performance can play a role.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          It could also be that he keeps getting let go because he is the newest one. Last one in, first one out philosophy.

          • Anonymous

            If he’s working at small employers, they may also be taking into account that his spouse earns enough to support the family. I know of a few examples in my family where the family member was the last person to be laid off/have hours reduced because the boss knew they were the sole support for their family.

        • MegB

          In the nearly 20 years we have been married my SO has been laid off 6 or 7 times. He was a tech project manager in Silicon Valley. After the last one he started his own business in food distribution. I’m the primary bread winner but his food based hours (starts 4am done with office work by 3) allow him to ick the kids up at school, cook dinner, help with homework and do the related practice hauling and then do paperwork related things at night from home. He also does all the shopping and about 90% of the cooking. I might make more money but he carries his half of our obligations. Maybe this is something you could explore? Helping him find something he loves rather than an endless cycle of frustration was very helpful for our marriage. Just a thought and good luck!

    • KLG

      Tell him that an industry which leads to 4 layoffs in 5 years is no longer a stable industry and he needs to think about switching careers. That focuses on the problem as he has framed it.

      But also, counseling.

    • Anon for this too

      Could be a wild guess, but might he have ADHD? My spouse (now we are separated, trying to determine if I will reconcile or divorce) is an alcoholic/addict and under-functioner and that made me over-function even more than I normally do and over a bunch of years led to me being exhausted and resentful. I just viewed it as me having so much more energy than he did, and also things are just so much easier for me to get done. Couple that with a bit of a tendency toward martyrdom, a difficulty asking for help, and a critical/perfectionistic streak and it just ended up being easier for me to make all the money, do most of the household chores, pay the bills, go shopping, take care of the kids, plan everything, etc. Now that we are separated I see that was not the best way to go. When hubby was on his second or third layoff I should have set a boundary and refused to pay for childcare while he didn’t have a job. Unfortunately we didn’t find out about the ADD till one kid got diagnosed with it; I think that would have been helpful earlier (read the ADHD effect on marriage if any of this sounds familiar to you.) At this point I have determined that if I have to give him money for the rest of my life, I’d rather be divorced. He’s trying to start a business…

    • ITDS

      You mention “his habits” could be causing the layoffs – what are the habits? Drink/Drugs? Poor attendance? Some things can be fixed by a kick in the rear from a good (and respected by him) mentor, and others are a bigger problem. Could he be depressed and feeling a bit worthless?

  11. Diana Barry

    Thanks to Baconpancakes and KKH who reported the Air line discontinuance. BOO! I found one more pair of Air Talis in a wide on Amazon, of all places. They are still out there but you have to look hard – took me 30 minutes.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      As soon as I read that last night, I spent about an hour online and found a pair of Chelsea OT slingbacks that I have and love and wear constantly and bought another pair for when they wear out. I also found a pair of Air Talia wedges that I have been wanting to try and bought them. I found a pretty good selection on Amazon, Zappos and 6pm.

    • CPA lady

      Have you tried 6pm dot com? They are Zappo’s last season website. They currently have nearly 500 different pairs of fairly heavily discounted Cole Haans, including a ton of their Air line. Stock up while you still can!!

      • tesyaa

        Is 6pm really part of Zapps? I don’t believe it! Their customer service is so bad and Zappos’ is so good.

    • Olivia Pope

      Oh no! I’ve always wanted these and have put off buying a pair.

      What do people think of Air Violets?

      • Susie

        I bought a fun pair in the “beet” color and I’m still trying to break them in. They rub the top of my foot where the side meets the vamp and are tight across the little toe, but I am hoping with a few more wears they will become more comfortable. :/ My heels have come out once or twice too. But they are lovely and good quality. My feet are a bit oddly shaped, so maybe you would have a better experience.

        • insert witty handle here

          I’ve had the same experience and recently donated 2 pairs that I just never wore because of it. Most of my shoes are Cole Haan and the Air Violets are the only ones that have been a problem.

  12. emeralds

    Anyone want a (not very exciting, admittedly) vicarious shopping challenge? My wallet is looking little battered, after nine years of steady service, and I’m ready to start looking for a new one. Requirements: I don’t want something massive; would prefer a neutral color (e.g., black or brown, mayyybe gray; could be open to a more interesting texture); do not want a lot of hardware, bells, or whistles; want leather; and am willing to spend up to around $120 for something quality that will stand up to daily pounding (see: my nine-year-old wallet).

    An early contender would be either size of the Modalu Pippas, linked below, if you want an idea of my style.

  13. CKB

    I need some advice about asking for a raise. I’m controller for a company. I used to be co-controller, but my colleague was recently transferred to another segment, and I took over his responsibilities. One of the sub segments I used to look after I was able to reassign to another segment, but I went from 3 sub segments to 4 sub segments (3-1+2=4), and one of my new subsegments is the largest revenue generator for our segment – generates approx half of our revenue. So, my responsibilities and workload have both increased over the last 3 weeks or so.

    Dh believes I should ask for a raise, and I tend to agree with him. What do you guys think? Also, if I need to ask for a raise, any advice on exactly how to do that? I’ve never asked for a raise before. I checked Ask a Manager, and after sifting through a ton of asking for a raise advice, I didn’t really find anything that seemed to fit with my circumstances. I have in the past had a hard time putting myself forward, but I’ve been working on it and have been doing much, much better. But, I need to have a good plan, and a script in my head before talking to my manager about this.

    Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated! I need to do this by Tuesday – my self imposed deadline, and I don’t want to wait too long after the change was made.

    Oh, and in case anyone asks, this change was done fairly informally. I didn’t have a meeting with anyone higher than me where they said “We’d like you to take over this”. That would have been the best time to ask, I know.

    • Bonnie

      Do you have a review coming up soon? That’s a natural time to ask for a raise. If not, you should definitely ask for a raise soon. I’d wait until you can concretely tell your boss how many more hours you have to work, etc.

    • LizNYC

      I’m a frequent reader of Ask a Manager, and not that I can claim to be anywhere near as good as her, I’d suggest you have a sit down conversation on Tuesday with you boss and say something like, “I wanted to speak with you about my work load with the 4 subsegments. I’m looking forward to working on our largest revenue generator. Since it seems that there will be a substantial amount of more work involved, and now that I no longer have a counterpart to rely on, I was wondering if we could discuss the compensation considerations for this new role.”

      Otherwise, I’d wait for a few months (like 3-4) in the position, come up with 3-5 reasons why you’re kicking butt handling all that responsibility, then ask for your raise.

      • Orangerie

        I don’t think saying “wondering if we could discuss the compensation considerations” is the best way to go about this.

        If you want a raise, ask for it directly. Do your homework and figure out a competitive rate based on your experience, responsibilities, and geographic market. Explain to your boss that you’re shouldering more responsibility and expect a commensurate increase in compensation equal to X% of your current salary.

        • Anon99

          Agree with Orangerie. Not “I was wondering if we could discuss…”, but “We need to discuss…”

    • Ebro fin

      Here’s my suggestions, in a list for clarity:

      1. Find out the current climate for salary increases in your company–are they happening, happening only for some reasons, or not happening at all? Prepare accordingly–maybe the company isn’t giving raises, but will for a role that has been broadened.
      2. Be sure you know why these changes were made. Did it just work out this way, or has the company hired or released people?
      3. Understand the market rate for what you do, and how it compares to current salary package.
      4. Have the highlights from your recent performance reviews, and refer to them.
      5. Know what you want, and when. So, if you think 10% is the target, but will take 5% now and 5% later, have that planned.
      6. Reflect on anything your boss might say, good or bad. If you’ve pictured in your mind that he may respond “the company isn’t giving raises” or “your workload was too low before” (true or not), you can prepare your response.
      7. Stay focused on increased work, increased responsibility, and your performance. If the answer is no, make it “no for now” and agree when you can have the discussion again.

  14. Alexis

    I’m going to a 6:00 PM wedding at the botanical gardens. I’ve always heard after 6:00 is formal and before 6:00 is less dressy, but what do you wear to a wedding that’s taking place at 6:00 sharp in a garden setting?

  15. NYC Attorney

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a career coach in the NYC area that’s not terribly expensive? I am an attorney, if it helps.

  16. Senior Attorney

    I like this blazer. There’s nothing like an all-purpose black blazer. I got a black ponte knit Gibson blazer at the Rack in January and it’s been a real wardrobe workhorse for me. In fact, I am wearing it today…

    For my divorce mediation! Which is THIS AFTERNOON!!! Gah!! Just got a copy of Mr. S.A.’s mediation brief, in which he asks for ginormous spousal support, and although I know it’s part of the game, it’s hard keeping my blood pressure down. It’s gonna be tough making it through until 3:00.

    And also? The time was chosen by him and his counsel, and I have a hard time feeling like anybody who is serious about settlement sets a mediation to start at 3 in the afternoon. Ugh.

  17. a-non

    TJ – a friend is having an abortion and I’m not sure how to be there for her or what to say. Obviously she’s upset and emotional and some of it is hormones, which I’ve gently pointed out to her, but also I don’t want to discount the fact that her feelings are complicated and valid. What can I say or do to be supportive for her?

    • AIMS

      Just be supportive, don’t judge, and listen. Sometimes the listening is the most important. It’s also sometimes the hardest. Maybe offer to pick up some take out and go spend the evening with her after?

      • cbackson

        A plug for these folks. I’ve never needed them, but my understanding is that their telephone support people do a great job of providing after-abortion support that meets the woman where she is in terms of her feelings (relief, regret, confusion, sadness, happiness, guilt, etc.).

    • Meg Murry

      I would suggest at a minimum treat it like other medical procedures. What would you do if she had her appendix out? Take her food and hang out with her, possibly rent a DVD? Do that. Be there if she wants to talk about it, but you don’t need to bring it up first.

      • Senior Attorney

        This sounds like great advice.

        And I’d go easy on the “it’s just hormones” talk. Any time anybody has ever said anything like that to me, in any context, it’s felt incredibly condescending and insulting.

      • Anonymous

        This. It’s so political/controversial that it’s easy to forget that it is also a medical procedure. There’s no incision healing, but she’ll most likely want to lay on the couch for the day, maybe the next. Probably mostly physical manifestations of emotions, but it’s exhausting. Agree to talk – mostly listen – if she wants, but don’t bring it up.

    • Anon in NYC

      Not exactly the same, but I had a friend who was sexually assaulted. When she told me, my response was along the lines of: I don’t know how you feel and I don’t know what to say to you, but I’m here for you. And then I just checked in with her with slightly greater frequency that I had been doing before. She never wanted to discuss it (with me), so I didn’t bring it up. I wasn’t sure if I should ask her about how she was doing in relation to the assault, but she has an extremely close family and I know that she was relying on them for a lot of emotional support, and she is also a very private person, so I felt a bit awkward. I think follow up can be dependent on your friend, the kind of relationship you have, and what sort of other support she is receiving.

      • Anon in NYC

        Just want to clarify – I’m offering this example only in the sense that I couldn’t relate to my friend and didn’t know what to say to her. Not that I’m comparing the two different events in any way.

    • wolverine

      Be there for her. When I had one, my friend gave me a lot of support. She was anti-abortion because of her faith but I really appreciated that she didn’t try to discuss my decision to have one. She dragged me out for lunch and other activities in the few days following the procedure but on these, she didn’t try to either discuss my situation or divert attention away from it. We’d just sit in companionable silence. It was one of the best things anyone has ever done for me.

      • a-non

        Thanks everyone for the advice and resources. And thanks, Senior Attorney, for the alternative perspective on the “hormones” talk. I’ve always found it reassuring when people (read: my mother) remind me that sometimes my blue days are that way not because everything in my life is actually awful, but because my body chemistry is sometimes kinda wonky. So I appreciate the reminder that not everyone feels the same. My friend made the choice that is right for her and I will take all of this advice to heart in supporting her. Thanks everyone!

      • Silvercurls

        OMG, she is a _wonderful_ friend. Typing while tearing up. If everybody could reach across differences of opinion like this the world would be a better place.

  18. hellskitchen

    A TJ that is semi-professional, semi-parental so I hope you will excuse my posting it here. A senior colleague has invited me and another co-worker to a play date at her place with our kids and spouses (we are a fairly informal office so this is perfectly okay). I plan to take a gift of toys/books for her kids but feel like I should bring something for my co-worker’s kid too – I don’t want him feeling left out. Does this seem right? If this were just friends, I wouldn’t worry too much about it but these are colleagues and even if we meeting up in a non-work setting, I don’t want to commit any gifting faux pas. Thoughts?

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      I’ve done many playdates with co-workers. I wouldn’t bring an actual gift. What I would do is bring a snack – something like a loaf of banana bread or fruit or something – that can be shared by all of the attendees at the playdate. (You’ll want to be sensitive to possible food allergies, of course, but in general fruit is pretty safe.) Another alternative is to bring something like Play-Doh or bubbles or coloring books or sidewalk chalk that can be shared by all of the kids at the playdate. I think the key is to keep it sharable and play-date focused.

      • Anonymous

        This exactly.

        Have fun! I always get super nervous about play dates with coworkers, but they are nearly always a really great way to get to know your coworkers. Even if it’s a one-time thing, they can be really good.

  19. anon

    How long would you wait to get in touch with someone who reached out to you for an interview but never followed up? I was emailed on Monday about a job I applied for a few months ago asking to set up an interview if I was still looking. I responded right away that I was still looking but haven’t heard anything back about actually setting something up. I figure I can’t be too pushy about it, but I’d really like to get out of my current job! Next Monday?

    • hoola hoopa

      I’d follow up tomorrow, mid morning. From the interviewee and interviewer perspective, I’d want to get it wrapped up by the weekend. Don’t do it after 3pm on Friday if at all possible – at that point, I’d leave it until first thing Monday.

      GL!

  20. (not s0) recent grad

    My fiance and I are planning our wedding, and we are trying to judge which parts/vendors we should splurge on vs. those that we should try to save on. What are some things that stuck out as memorable, good or bad, at weddings you’ve attended? We already made sure the food is good and that it will be open bar all night. We also plan to spend a little bit more on a great DJ. If it helps, it’s going to be at a yacht club with an outside ceremony/cocktail hour, then a sit down dinner. Thanks!!

    • Burgher

      We had to skimp on most everything except food, drink, & venue because we had a very limited budget and paid for nearly everything ourselves.

      Things I am glad we skimped on: Flowers, linens, other decor, party favors. We already had a lovely location so extra decor was not really necessary… and how often do you even save a wedding favor? Also, we did let my in-laws (with very limited means) host the rehearsal dinner, which ended up being sandwiches at the church. It was nice and I don’t think anyone minded, or at least didn’t say anything, except my one tactless aunt (“sandwiches? that’s not a dinner. we’ll pass.”).

      Things I wish we spent more on: Photographer and DJ. We don’t have many great photos and the DJ was pretty bad. We let my mom recommend a “great DJ” (she was a server at a wedding venue for a long time) and since she also offered to pay we were glad to not have another expense. Big mistake. I mean, the guy wasn’t *bad*, just not good.

      • Senior Attorney

        In lieu of favors, you can get a bunch of Hershey kisses and strew them over the table tops. We did it at my wedding and it looked really pretty (we got the ones wrapped in both silver and gold foil), it was a nice little treat for the guests, and it cost a fraction of fancy chocolates in personalized gift boxes. I do it at most of my parties to this day (plus you can vary the type of candy for different occasions).

        • Parfait

          I like that idea. Favors schmavors. The only wedding favor I ever really loved was when we all got pieces of baklava to take home. Yum.

        • Anonymous

          I have never been to a wedding with favors. Not once. I think that’s definitely something you can skip. It’s my understanding that when you do have them, whatever it is ends up thrown in the bottom of a purse, left there, and tossed 3 months later when the guest cleans out her purse.

    • Well Heeled Blog

      As a bride and as a wedding guest, I have to say that flowers are especially something that don’t have to be expensive to be beautiful. You can save a lot of money if you DIY your own centerpieces / bouquets, or simply use less expensive blooms (or fewer of them). Besides, the super fancy, tall centerpieces block conversation.

      The other thing that’s not really budget related is to have the reception right after the ceremony. A big block of empty time can be inconvenient.

      Your wedding sounds fantastic. Have fun!

      • hoola hoopa

        “The other thing that’s not really budget related is to have the reception right after the ceremony. A big block of empty time can be inconvenient. ”
        THIS! This is probably the only thing that people do with their wedding that as a guest I genuinely dislike.

    • hoola hoopa

      With your plans already, I’d say you have the guest experience met. So it’s really about what matters most to you and your fiance.

      We saved on invitations (inexpensive printing, but nicely designed), favors (none!), attendants (one each), flowers and decor (minimal, diy, simple), and photography (new to weddings, only a few hours). Of those, photography was the one that was noticeable – to us, not our guests – and that I sort of regret. But photography wasn’t so important to us, and it did save a bundle. Flowers worked well overall because I like the look of a loose arrangement, but I sort of wished that I’d paid to get pro bouquets, corsages, and boutonnieres. I wouldn’t say I regret it, though.

      We splurged on my dress (sample, though, so not much of a splurge), live music (yes!), and the honeymoon :) Those were our priorities. No regrets. I sold my dress, so it ended up being about the same as something from david’s bridal etc.

      • Well Heeled Blog

        +1000. Definitely save on the invitations unless it’s one of your top priorities. As a guest, I almost never remember what the invitations look like – or if I do, it’s more of a – oh, that’s pretty! – but then toss once I get the information in my calendar.

    • TNTT

      We spent 85% of our money on food/drink and photography.

      Completely agree with Burgher re skimping on flowers, linens, decor, and favors if your location is ornate enough on its own.

      Keep in mind, great DJ does not necessarily equal expensive DJ. Great DJ equals someone who you meet with MORE THAN ONCE, with both of you, and talk through what you want to hear. Bring your iPods. Go to a bar that plays music you like. Make him a list of “yes” songs, “no” songs, and “absolutely no way in the world are you permitted to play this even if my uncles offer you money” songs.

  21. Alain Delerm

    Well I don’t know… I mean it depends on the person, there are people who give more importance to their wedding dress than others. This does not automatically mean that they would be willing to pay a fortune for it, you see what I mean?!

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