Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Because I Say So Top

323 Comments

1. Pretty color, though ModCloth photographs as higher quality than it actually is IME, and this seems too full to tuck into a pencil skirt.

2. Gosh I love emerald green. This top is right up my alley.

   1. SAME.

      1. Me, too. I bought a shirt much like this from Halogen in the fall in this color and blue. But it had puffy sleeves and thus was a no-go for this former swimmer/ current weightlifter non-petite woman. I have been looking for a dupe since, even almost asked foor help here. I can’t tell if this will have the same issue or if the pintucking will just hang. Maybe I will give it a try.

   2. I’m not much of a color person, but I love seeing Jen Psaki rock the colorful outfits!

      (I have totally different coloring than her, so not sure I could rock it, but it’s tempting to try… I also just have such a Comms crush on her!)

      1. Me too! She’s my comms idol of the moment.

      2. Yes! It’s so refreshing to see Jen Psaki. Her professional look and demeanor and her clothing / makeup choices are so “today’s professional woman” — in hindsight, it was just so jarring to see the Kayleigh McEnany / Ivanka Trump look, which just isn’t how professional women “do” their hair, makeup and styling anymore.

   3. If this were a shade or two darker, I would nab it in a hot second. I’m a deep muted colortype, straddling deep autumn and cool/deep summer.

3. Pretty pick! I’ve been looking for a shirt in exactly that color.

4. Do you help people who reach out to you to network, but do so in a weird way? Yesterday a local masters student called me and just said that he was a masters student in field X and saw my LinkedIn profile and wanted to know if we were taking interns. I was creeped out and asked me how he got my number, and he just said from a “mutual contact from church”. My family’s church is nuts and I thought this may be a possibility, so I told him to text me, and it turns out that he in fact did get my number from another member of the church . . . who did not think to tell me he would call. I don’t have an internship for this guy anyways, but I’m deciding whether to tell him how bizarre his call was. He is also not originally from the US (from the same country my family is from) so I’m wondering if I can frame it that way.

   1. I would tell him. It sounds like someone else told him that this was either normal or a great idea. So he needs to hear that it’s not.

   2. Sounds like your mutual church contact is the weirdo in this situation and needs to be told to either stop giving out your number altogether, or to check with you first at the very least. The student probably could have been more upfront with how he got your number, but with just the info you have shared he doesn’t strike me as having done anything terribly egregious, just naive. I would be honest with him about not having an opening, but would be willing to have an informational call to talk about the industry and answer his questions, then wish him the best.

      1. +1. I’d blame this on the church weirdo, not the student. Church weirdo should’ve given you a heads up or ASKED you if it was okay to give out your number.

         1. +2

         2. This. Church weirdo should have asked you whether you’d be willing to speak with the student. If you said yes, church weirdo should then have sent an e-mail introduction to you and the student.

         3. +1

      2. I agree. People are weird, and people associated with reigion are even the worst! Dad met a guy from our temple who has a son who is a complete douche nozzle, and ever since Dad told him I am a partner at a NYC law firm, the father keeps trying to palm his son off on me, using my Dad as the medium. I already told him I remember him from Hebrew School when he kept scratching his tuchus in class and the teacher told him to go wash his hands. I could never see myself with that guy, who has his own lawn business now in town. I keep thinking of him with his hands down his pants scratching. FOOEY! I could never marry that, or even accept food from him, knowing where his unwashed hands have been.

   3. Idk why it’s bizarre. From his perspective, a mutual friend introduced the two of you, and gave him permission to call. The weird person is the church dude handing out your number without permission not the job seeker using information he was given.

      1. For all we know, church dude encouraged job seeker to call up OP.

         1. This. I had a colleague that did this to me. Not ok.

      2. Yeah, but then why didn’t he tell me on the phone which church person gave him my number? I point blank asked him and he didn’t specify who. If he had told me who it was I honestly wouldn’t have been weirded out at all – it would just be the phone version of an email introduction. This way I was sure if it was some type of scam or not.

      3. I guess I’m just weirded out but the fact that he repeatedly said “a mutual church friend” gave me his number and. . . . didn’t say who when I asked.

         1. That’s weird, but still all he did was ask if you have open internships. What do you want to do here? Call him up and tell him why he was wrong? You didn’t like it. Case closed.

         2. This sounds like naivete to me more than anything else. I think it’s fine to tell him how you feel, but I wouldn’t hang him too much on that cross (see what I did there?).

   4. as someone who works with college and masters students and tries to educate them on networking norms, we most certainly always tell students to email and never to just cold call someone (or text someone – yes students do this). even students who are American born, sometimes seem shocked to learn that just because someone gave you their cell phone number to call them one time, that does not mean you should then start texting them follow ups (unless they very explicitly told you that was ok). if you are comfortable, i would tell him that in the US the cultural norm is to email contacts rather than to call people.

      1. That’s false though. There’s no general norm that it’s not okay to call someone on the phone when you’re given their number by a mutual acquaintance and told that it’s ok to call.

      2. I think this is bad advice if applied generally across all industries/hiring settings. I got my job a few years back because I called someone and didn’t email. My job includes having to build a book of business (a highly-desirable finance-related role known for math-smart people with limited social skills). I was told I got the interview and a deciding factor in hiring me was because I wasn’t afraid to call first, which demonstrated confidence and made me stand out.

         1. I was thinking this too. If calling is a big part of the job, and you show you are unique in especially the younger generation of not being afraid to do that, I also think that is plus in my book.
            (Agreed with 9:37 that going to texting without that being initiated by the other person would be weird though, and wouldn’t show that same gumption).

            1. Yes. I hate when people text me professionally if we don’t otherwise have a really close working relationship. Texting feels very intrusive for some reason (I’m an old millennial/early 80s baby if that adds context?).

            2. I actually wouldn’t mind a text lol. I would see it as more like an email, where I have the information and I can vet it (ask the church contact?) and then reply when I had a chance.
               But I agree that email would be best. It’s the most professional and polite, because it doesn’t put the person you’re asking a favor of on the spot.

            3. But polite doesn’t always get you noticed or the job ;)
               (Being creepy also doesn’t get the job either, obviously there’s a fine line here).

      3. I don’t see what the student did wrong. I work in publishing and get cold calls all of the time (though less so over the years as people tend to prefer more passive email, especially younger generations). Yes, the friend should have given you a heads up. But is it honestly that big of a deal? What I don’t understand is why you asked the student to get in touch with you a second time if you have no intern opening. Honestly, that’s like a 15 sec discussion.

      4. I work with college students. I tell them to create a LinkedIn profile and to first request connections with everyone they’ve met on the advisory board, which includes me, and to write a little note in their request to connect saying how we know each other. “Hi Anon, we met at X University meeting, and I’d like to connect with you on LinkedIn.” Then when we’re connected already, if they see someone they’d like to meet that is connected to one of us on the board, they should go through us to request an introduction.

         You’d be surprised at how many of these college students find that so unique and new. They’re used to social media, but these days it’s totally normal to follow lots of people you’ve never met.

         So, a different example, but meant to show you how foreign the business world and networking can be to someone college aged.

         I’d cut the kid a break and reserve your irritation for the weirdo who gave him your private number without asking you first.

      5. I disagree. I don’t think the cultural norm is *always* to email rather than call. I personally *prefer* email over calling, personally, but people do still actually use the telephone to communicate with others.

   5. I…don’t think this is that weird? He asked if your program was having interns, and you can just say no. Young professionals are told to chase every avenue, and then they get their hands slapped for doing it? He doesn’t know that you think your family’s church is nuts. He may not have realized the connection wouldn’t call to give a heads up. So how would he have known this is ‘weird’?

      I network/help pretty much anybody and everybody who reaches out, as long as they are polite, professional and don’t give off creepy vibes. I am more successful than I ever thought possible (yeah I said it) because I helped people and they have helped me.

      The ‘lift’ here is that you politely tell him that there aren’t any internship. Maybe offer to pass along anything you come across, if you are feeling especially generous. You don’t need to give him a lecture. Good God.

      1. This is a little harsh, but I agree – mutual church friend put both you and this student in a bad position. I would maybe explain to the student what happened, so he has it as a frame of reference, but not hold him responsible. And I would probably give mutual church friend the what-for.

      2. +1

         He didn’t call demanding a job or anything extreme. Actually I see alot of gumption and go-getter in calling, especially if he was of the same culture. He was mistaken you would find that as a common denominator, but his mutual contact apparently didn’t know that. I think we’ve all had calls from new alum who call because you went to the same school. I don’t see this as that different.

         1. The thing is, if he has said “Auntie X from Church Y gave me your number, and I saw that you worked at Place Z”, it would have been fine. It was the just not telling me how he got my number that creeped me out.

            1. You should have led with this.

            2. Did you ask him in an aggressive way that suggested you might tell off the mutual contact? I can see why he might not have wanted to say if you gave off “Who gave you my number?!” vibes.

            3. Maybe the church person told him not to? I still think the church friend is the weird one here, not the student

            4. He probably forgot/didn’t know the person’s name. Sounds like it’s one of those acquaintances you know by sight but always forget their name and then you’re too embarrassed to ask because you feel like you should already know it.

      3. I agree with this sentiment. I know everyone above is saying that the norm is to email first, and I certainly don’t WANT random students calling me, but I will say an email is SO easily ignored. I get literally 100s of emails a day and if there’s one I can easily ignore, it’s probably going to be. Whereas if you called me too….I don’t know. At least it would make me take a little bit more notice. If someone is really ambitious about breaking in to the business and wants to use calling as a means to try to get in, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and I don’t know that I would hold it against them in a need-to-lecture-them-way.

      4. Well, this was bad networking.

         He said:
         Hello my name is X. I am a student at Y. I saw your Linkedin profile, do you have internships?

         That seemed strange to me, someone who has done a lot of networking and had to learn how to do so. Who in the world is he?
         If I were in his position I would have said:

         Hello my name is X. I got your number from Mrs. Y from church. She told me that you worked in Topic A, which I am studying, and I saw on your LinkedIn profile that you work at Company Z. I’m looking for an internship in Topic A.

         If he had said that I would have not been creeped out and it would have been fine. I’m happy to help, I just don’t want random guys calling me on my cell phone in the evening. I will be talking to the church person.

         1. Oooh. You’re a “never talk to strangers” person. This makes sense now.

            1. Uh aren’t most people? I do not engage with people — esp men — who have not been vetted by my network in some way.

            2. Nope. Definitely not everyone. I meet and engage with and form relationships with strangers of both sexes all the time.

            3. I said most people, not everyone :) I’ve never met someone like you in the wild! (Prob bc I’ve got my AirPods in and will sometimes pretend to not speak English lol)

         2. So don’t pick up your cell if you don’t know the number – this is my approach on my personal and work cell. It’s a simple solution.

         3. I agree with your interpretation, I’m not sure why you’re getting some hate here. He seems very awkward. I think your involvement here is done unless for some reason you feel like mentoring him.

      5. +1
         Stop being so uptight. It is a college student who asked for internship opportunity. Help if you can, or leave it. Life is too short to make a big deal about random people’s social
         Etiquette.

   6. This isn’t weird. Do you have an aversion to phone calls?

      The only thing weird here is your church connection giving your contact info out and not telling you. I would NOT blame the student at all here.

      1. +1 on this.
         there’s a lot of publicly available information out there and unless your cell phone and identity are on a complete lockdown (clearly not based on church-folk) how are you harmed by a phone call?

         Especially these days where people are not physically in offices, more often than not I’m calling people on personal cell phones I would have never done otherwise.

      2. I have an aversion to getting phone calls from people who have no clear reason to have my phone number. I assume its a spam call unless someone gives me an explanation otherwise, and he did not.

         1. Huh? He definitely did give you a reason why it wasn’t spam. You’re clearly mad at the guy, so whatever. But he didn’t do anything harmful.

         2. +1, to the extent there is blame for be placed here, it’s in the church person. As for unwanted phone calls you could always screen and send straight to voicemail. You’re really digging your heels in on this for some inexplicable reason. There’s not anything creepy about what he did.

         3. I think you would have reacted differently to a woman calling the exact same way.

   7. It’s not bizarre at all – like not even a little bit. Do not turn this into a thing.

   8. I agree it’s weird. He should’ve explained better how he got your number because “hey I saw your LinkedIn profile” is indeed super creepy (and not a full explanation!). I don’t think there’s any harm in giving him that advice. And the church friend needs some etiquette reminders here too.

   9. I work in HR for a CPA firm in Texas and maybe this kind of networking/call is more common here. I agree with many of the above comments but have a few additional ones. I’m always on the hunt for accounting students and would appreciate any of my acquaintances referring students to me. I’m also a baby boomer and tend to prefer phone calls over email. However, I totally agree with you I would not want my personal cell number shared and in fact only share my cell number with students in extremely limited situations, but I’d be fine if the student called me at the office. Even with WFH I believe most people can get phone messages from the office. Heck, I’d be excited for a student to network like that – too many forget basic courtesy and many really don’t know how to network. I also agree with the person who thought maybe the student didn’t know or could not remember the church member’s name. It’s hard for us to know what the church person told him – he or she may have specifically said call her. I totally agree he did not handle his own intro well, but I think it’s inexperience and maybe a little nervousness. Given some of the calls I’ve received over the 30+ years in HR in professional services firms, he could actually have had a GF/BF/BFF who was the one who talked to the church member and that’s why he doesn’t know his/her name. I’d attribute the problem with the church member, but maybe they couldn’t recall your exact firm name, or just didn’t give a thought to not sharing your personal number. That said, I also wouldn’t blame them if they were truly just trying to help connect the student with someone they seem to respect. I’ve probably called students I’ve found on LinkedIn who thought I was the creepy one!

5. After years of having a Chromebook (the worst!), I just bought a used MacBook Air. I’m thrilled to have Microsoft again, but I’m unfamiliar with the licenses for Microsoft now (the last time I had a PC it was the family computer in high school).

   It says that I need to buy an annual license; are there any licenses for the lifetime of the computer? It feels very pricey to buy a $70 license every year, on top of buying a computer!

   1. You can use the Office Suite online version for free as long as you create a Microsoft account using a working e-mail address. You only have to pay if you want to download the desktop version.

      1. Thanks!!

   2. At least for a PC, you can buy a “home and student” version that is about $150 and you can use on one computer only. If you get a new computer you can transfer it, but you can’t use it on 2 machines at once. I personally hate the subscription approach, but there are pluses and minuses to both ways.

      1. oh this is perfect – I contacted Microsoft this morning (when my comment was in mod) and they mentioned that option, but I didn’t know you could transfer it!

         I hate the subscription approach – so pricey over time and I don’t need the bells and whistles. I had to quickly buy something this morning – being in a video teams call while being on email while being on slack while taking notes in Word while reviewing documents for 9 hours was killing my work computer, so I figured I’d take notes/do email on my personal computer and do the rest on the work computer.

         I went ahead and bought this option not knowing I could transfer it, so this is even better!

         1. They don’t tell you that you can transfer it, but I needed to replace a computer that broke and I just called Microsoft and they helped take care of it.

   3. https://www.bestbuy.com/site/office-home-student-2019-1-device-digital-mac-windows-digital/6402557.p?skuId=6402557

   4. Yes, you can just buy it outright for Macs on the Apple website: https://www.apple.com/shop/product/HP7A2LL/A/microsoft-office-home-and-business-2019-1-mac

6. if anyone is inclined to help those in Houston, Kids Meals Houston is an organization in need. They had to close for the first time ever earlier this week and lost all of their perishable food. I live in Houston with two toddlers, who while had no power, had plenty of food over the past week and were hysterical when they didn’t have their milk, so i can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be to listen to your child be both hungry and freezing.

   1. donated $100. Thank you!

   2. Thank you! This seems like a great organization. Made a donation.

   3. Does anyone else know of charities helping down there? I usually go with Red Cross but I am open to other ideas.

      1. Sorry, also thanks to OP. I was just hoping we could also turn this into a thread encouraging donations and brainstorming where to send them. I realized as soon as I hit post that my comment didn’t say what I intended it would.

         1. Ocasio-Cortez hosted a fundraiser via ActBlue last night. The 5 charities chosen were Houston Food Bank, Feeding Texas, ECHO (Ending Community Homelessness Coalition), Family Eldercare, The Bridge Homeless Recovery Center. She’s raised over $1 million so far.

            1. Good for AOC. When Republican leadership was blaming her and the green new deal for this mess, she’s out there doing more to help the victims than they are (looking at you, Ted Cruz.)

            2. +1000. And I’m not even a huge fan of AOC necessarily — but talk about the difference between a congresswoman in NY who jumps on helping the people in TX, and their own senator hightailing it to Cancun.

               BTW, I *love* that the group texts that Heidi Cruz participated in — clearly showing that this was a planned family trip, not that Ted was “just chauffeuring his young daughters on a plane, intending to turn around immediately” — got shared. I don’t actually GAS if Heidi and the daughters go to Cancun, but the optics of a senator doing so are just so horrible, and I’m so glad.

      2. Houston Food Bank is another great organization in need right now. The grocery stores are empty and a lot of people lost their perishable food when the power went out all week.

      3. Austin Street Shelter is also a great option. Despite the name, it serves the homeless in Dallas.

         1. It should be Austin Street Center, I got the name mized up.

   4. Thanks, just donated as well.

   5. Just donated.

7. Simple question despite involved backstory.

   Backstory: Our master bath is a giant pain and has needed a lot of expensive work. Last year we spent a small fortune replacing the custom-sized skylight, which had bad electronics and was opening by itself. Now the vent fan has crapped out, which will require professional electrical and structural work. That’s not currently feasible, due to both cost and Covid.

   Question: Using the bathroom without venting is taking a toll on it. I’m trying to limit showers and baths in both time and temperature, but it is what it is. Do you think I should be removing my cosmetics, skincare, and haircare products that are stored in the sink drawers and closet, and keeping them elsewhere? How fast does humidity damage packaged products?

   1. Aren’t most of the products in sealed containers anyway? I have a lot of steam in my bathroom because of inadequate venting, and while the paint has started peeling on the ceiling, my products seem just fine.

      1. Yes, same situation, peeling paint and all. I’m just not sure to judge how touchy products are to the heat and moisture, I barely passed gen chem!

         1. ETA: I use a lot of actives, though, like tretinoin and AHA peels.

            1. Check the labels to find out if any state storage temperature, as medication does. How hot does it actually get when you shower, and for how long? Like if it’s 80 F for half an hour, that seems pretty harmless.

      2. +1. I wouldn’t worry about the products. If you can, leave the door open (or better yet, door open and window cracked if temps allow) during showers and the steam should dissipate into the bedroom. I feel your pain – our vent fan was installed before the heating system for the master BR (in the attic) and so we can’t fix the vent fan without moving the ENTIRE HVAC SYSTEM above the bathroom. Crazy!

   2. You need to actually fix the problem before your house is full of mold. Your cosmetics are not the issue.

      1. This

      2. I know. I’m not a lawyer like most commenters here. I’m saving spare cash as fast as I can.

         1. Don’t worry that much. Our bathroom does not have a vent fan, and our house is not full of mold, our paint isn’t peeling, and cosmetics seem to be unaffected by the two showers per day that occur in that bathroom. We are in NoVA and so it’s humid here in the summer, and often bone dry in the winter.

            1. +1 I’ve lived in plenty of places where the bathrooms didn’t have vents and they were fine.

            2. Same. No vent in the bathroom at all; some mold that I clean weekly and some paint peeling. All our products are fine. The rest of the house isn’t “filled with mold”. We leave the window cracked and heat vent open for dry air to circulate.

   3. Do you have a window you could open while you shower? Or maybe leave the door to the bedroom open?
      Our master bath doesn’t have a vent fan and the shower is in it’s own little room in the master bath which conveniently has a window. When we shower, we crack the window and leave the door to the main part of the bathroom open.

      1. Definitely leave the door open while you shower, that makes a huge difference.

   4. If you have a window, open it during and for 15 minutes after your showers. If not, and it’s warm enough, open the door and cross-ventilate the space that that goes into – or get a dehumidifier maybe?
      (I don’t have an extractor fan in my bathroom and it’s a pain).

   5. Most of the apartments I’ve lived in don’t have a vent fan, and some haven’t even had a window. Other than the paint, nothing seemed to be effected much. If you live alone or with your partner, just leave the door open a bit and the steam will escape. But even if you cant (I’ve always had roommates so can’t), it will be fine.

      1. +1 – just let the steam out (keep the door open, open the closest windows), it will all be fine.

         1. Not necessarily. We had an apartment with no fan in the bathroom and the ceiling was perpetually moldy, even though we left the door open all the time and were constantly calling maintenance to paint over it.

            1. Did you ever try cleaning it?

            2. Um, yes. But mold shouldn’t grow on ceilings in the first place. If it does, you’ve got too much humidity in the room.

      2. Yes, this. My grandmother always wiped down her shower and shower curtain with a towel after using the tub/bath and it works wonders at preventing mold in an unvented bathroom. I shower last and keep a separate towel for this purpose. We get minimal mold due to this in our unvented apartment bathroom which makes it easier to clean.

   6. Leave a window open when you showed. If that’s not possible, certainly leave the bathroom door open. And try to limit the general steaminess of your showers.

   7. Temperature is the main concern for stability of products. I’d be surprised if your bathroom actually gets that warm and stays that way unless you’re taking very long, very hot showers. Humidity isn’t an issue for anything liquid, but might be a problem for powders or pills, so I’d move those. And like everyone else says, open a window or keep the bathroom doors open. My bathroom doesn’t have a working fan, but as long as we keep the door open, there are no signs of excessive moisture/mold, though we take pretty short showers.

   8. I would crack the window after you are done in the bathroom (and close the door) to let the humidity escape. You don’t want all that moisture stuck in your house. Mold is way more expensive to repair than beauty products.

   9. Do you have a second bathroom with a working fan? If so, I’d shower there.

   10. A dehumidifier is a cheap investment. There appear to be some in the $200 – $300 range at Home Depot with good ratings. We had to have one at an old house where the basement bathroom could not adequately handle three teenage girls showers… and started growing mushrooms in the bathroom.

       1. THANK YOU. I was shocked reading these comments that a board of grown women took 20 comments to come up with the most obvious solution.

          1. Ok the OP wants a temporary, cheap fix while they save up to do the real repair. A cracked window in winter works a lot faster (with minimal impact to the rest of the house if you close the door)… and it’s free.

   11. I’m not sure of the extent of the fan failure, but they are surprisingly easy to replace yourself if you buy one that’s the same size (and even if it’s not, you just have to cut the right size hole). I managed to diy mine. It’s like replacing a light fixture and easily done via watching YouTube videos.

   12. You now have a working skylight, correct? Open that when you shower, and crack a door so you’re not working against a vacuum effect trying to get the steam to flow out of the skylight. This will work every time. Your bathroom may get a little chilly though. A space heater may help, which is less wasteful if you just click it on when you’re drying off rather than having it running throughout your shower.

       I also think you’ll find a vent fan replacement is an inexpensive and fairly easy DIY. Just make sure you have the power to the fan turned off.

8. My favorite pair of fleece lined pants/leggings(?) from Athleta is starting to wear out. I got them years and years ago and have no clue what they were called. They’re not fancy – no pockets (there’s a small zippered slot at the lower back for your phone), no special reflective anything, no waterproofing or sweat wicking, and they don’t fit super tight to the body. They’re the perfect cold weather pants. Comfortable for lounging and warm if I take a walk outside or shovel the driveway. Everything fleece lined on Athleta’s s i t e looks pretty tight fitting. Do these pants not exist anymore? Recommendations for a replacement?

   1. Looks like they are sold out at Athleta but there are some available on Eb*y – search for “athleta polartec pants”. I think LL Bean and Eddie Bauer (among others) also have some fleece lined pants.

   2. No recommendations, but I too mourn the death of regular pants in favor of jegging everything. God forbid women want to go for a walk without showing off every detail of their butt, right? Sigh.

      1. I have great news for you! You don’t have to wear leggings. Also stop staring at other people’s butts if it bothers you so much.

         1. My point was about how I want to buy more pants that are not leggings, but I am having trouble finding them now whereas I had no trouble in the past. There is much less selection for non-leggings pants than there used to be.

            I hope your day gets better.

   3. Try Duluth Trading’s fleece lined flexpedition pants. They are so comfy and warm – great for walking or hiking in the winter, but I’ve been wearing them to work in as well.

      1. Love those Duluth pants!

      2. How do these fit? I am an extreme pear, so I need a curvy cut (or just to know to size way up and prepare to belt).

         1. My sister is a pear and wears these pants (as well as the Duluth Trading Noga pants) daily.

         2. I’m the OP for the Duluth comment, and I’m a pear with large thighs into the bargain – I sized up one from my talbots/ann taylor/boden regular size (12 to 14) and I do prefer to wear a belt with them.

      3. Thanks for the rec. I had never even looked at their site–felt like maybe it was meant for men or farmers or something by their commercials. But with my new work from home life, I not only picked up these pants but a few others and some tops. Looks like a nice alternative to REI.

   4. I mourn the death of my favorite GapFit Yoga Pants. They were “real” yoga pants in that they were straight legged, not too high-waisted, stretchy fabric, non-scratchy seams. Sigh. They were lovely. They got replaced by leggings that they call “yoga pants” and it drives me nuts. I’m holding out hope that all this “Gen Z hates skinny jeans” nonsense will bring back straight or boot cut pants again.

      1. I am wearing these today. I tried to get another pair at the start of this work from home thing and was annoyed they no longer seem to have an equivalent.

      2. If you haven’t seen the straight and boot cut pants available you have not shopped for clothes recently. They’re everywhere.

         1. Fair – I fully admit I haven’t shopped for clothes in an actual store for a year at this point, so it’s all up to my online searching skills.

      3. I buy my GapFit yoga pants used on ThredUp for like 10! Set up an email alert for your size if none are in stock…

9. I’m a current Box devotee for sharing files, but soon that option is going away and our IT dept has done a terrible job explaining how the transition is going to work. Do any of you have tips for using OneDrive for document sharing instead, especially with people outside your organization? I want to have a folder accessible to everyone on our team + outside consultants who are not using Office 365, but it looks like the folder has to “live” within my own OneDrive? What am I missing here? I’m salty because Box has been easy for us to use and has massively streamlined our workflow, and I’m not getting that impression from OneDrive at all.

   1. Oh it’s super easy. The docs will live on your onedrive but you can give others admin and edit (or just view) access. I use it frequently for collaboration across unis. The only thing that is annoying is if you are editing docs at the same time, the doc will refresh. Sharepoint is another option.

      1. OK, that’s helpful to know. I still don’t really get the difference between sharepoint and OneDrive, though!

         1. I don’t think anyone understands the difference!!

         2. Nobody does!

      2. I am of the personal view that one drive is just rebranded sharepoint and treating it as such made it easier to me. I’m sure someone will correct me that there is a substantial difference, but I don’t see it really.

   2. Lol wonder if we work for the same company…

   3. I like to keep all my externally shared documents in a single folder (shared across my team) labeled “EXTERNAL SHARED DOCUMENTS” in all caps, and create folders within that for each client which I share only with that client – sharing the client’s folder and contents, not just the individual document. It has eliminated an issue which occasionally happened before where colleagues would forget what was shared/ what clients had access to/ where to find a particular file and also makes it so the client only has to bookmark one location for frequent access.

10. What size duvet/duvet cover do you have on your Queen sized bed? We have the full/queen size right now and it always feels small. Does anyone have the king/cal king on a queen sized bed? Is it too big? Thanks!

    1. We had a king duvet on our queen bed and really liked it – it made us stop stealing the duvet from each other, plus it hangs over the sides and foot of the bed more, which I like. Weirdly, we now have a king, and it the king size duvet seems to fit it very well – I thought it would look to small but it doesn’t.

       1. +1

    2. I have always used a queen size on a full bed, so I’m sure using a king size on a queen bed would be similar. I like it, but I’m a blanket hog who rolls around all night long and so I like having extra blanket to pull all over the place.

    3. No solutions but full/Queen is one of the world biggest lies, along with “one size fits most.” Can we not have queen sized things for queen sized beds?????

    4. King duvet on a queen bed and will never go back!

    5. Mine is king width and extra-long (my mom made it). Queen would not be enough square footage, IMO.

    6. I bought a queen size duvet in college for my twin XL bed because I loved that it hangs over the sides better. I have the same duvet now on a queen size bed, and it’s ok but I’d prefer a bigger one. I support you getting a bigger one if that’s what you prefer!

    7. My experience differs from others. If a duvet is overly generous, I find that it tends to pull down towards the floor and that creates pressure on my joints. For down-filled, the down tends to shift towards the floor also, even if the duvet is baffled. There are huge differences in the size that different manufacturers list as F/Q. Check the dimensions for both the duvet and the cover. I have found Wamsutta to be generously sized for full/queen.

       1. How heavy is your duvet?

          1. I have several, different weights for different seasons.

    8. I use a king duvet on my queen bed and sometimes it still feels too small!

11. Any suggestions on recruiters in the privacy space?

    Currently doing digital health/data privacy work in-house, and looking to figure out what my next career step might be either in-house or at a firm. Also would love to chat about privacy careers generally if anyone is interested. Email is crettefan at gmail. 

    1. Try Tru Staffing Partners. You can find them on LinkedIn.

12. Suggestions for non-salon shampoo conditioner for fine, thin hair? I have a lot of it, but it doesn’t add up too much.

    1. Nexxus humectress caviar complex

    2. Suave. Seriously.

       1. I do love their Rosemary Mint scent, not going to lie. I also have fine hair and I like the Pantene shampoo and conditioner.

          1. I use a Lush shampoo bar and Pantene conditioner on the same type of hair and my hair is happy with it. The shampoo bar decision came from a combo of itchy scalp and a desire to use less plastic, which is all to say that it’s not required, and Pantene shampoo may also work for you.

          2. The rosemary mint Suave is great! I also have fine hair and don’t have any complaints with it. Every so often I’ll use my wife’s conditioner instead (she has color-treated hair) for a little extra moisture.

       2. Yes – I like the Suave volume shampoo.

    3. My hair is similar to yours and I use Dove conditioner.

    4. Both the L’Oreal Elvive and Dove lines work really well for me and are extremely easy to repurchase at any CVS or Walgreens

    5. I have fine flat hair and like how mine looks after using herbal essences coffee fruit shampoo. Paraben free and smells amazing. I have also used the white grapefruit and mint, as well as Bourbon manuka + honey herbal essences shampoos. For drug store conditioner, I actually like John Frieda luxurious volume. Since I am almost exclusively WFH, I have been putting my pricey shampoos and conditioners to the side and turning to these since I am mainly allowing my hair to air dry with minimal styling.

    6. I like L’Oreal’s Everpure volume shampoo and conditioner.

       1. Same.

    7. Kristen Ess Signature Shampoo and Conditioner work great on my fine, straight hair.

    8. Same hair and I have tried a ton of different ones. I discovered that I have really hard water and I started using a clarifying shampoo a couple of times a week and that seems to have made a big difference.

    9. Can anyone chime in with sulfate free options for fine hair? Most of the ones I’ve tried so far don’t seem to really get it clean.

       1. PS sulfates give me hives

       2. I think the Everpure line mentioned above is also sulfate free, though I don’t know if it’s hypoallergenicly so.

          Whether sulfate-free options can get hair clean depends less on the shampoo and more on what’s on the hair. Certain silicones, plastics, and vinyls are very hard to remove without sulfates. Others are water soluble and easier to wash off.

          1. Oh this is good to hear. I don’t use any hair products other than shampoo and conditioner. I should be able to find a silicone free conditioner? I hope. My skin doesn’t love silicones either.

    10. Oh this is good to hear. I don’t use any hair products other than shampoo and conditioner. I should be able to find a silicone free conditioner? I hope. My skin doesn’t love silicones either.

13. Heading into a very busy, very stressful few weeks after a busy and stressful year.

    What do you do to maintain your sanity when you’re working 12 hr days, 6 days a week and fielding phone calls and emails at all hours? (for reference: I normally work 37.5 hr weeks so I have plenty of time for hobbies, exercise, chores around the house, socializing, etc). 70-80 hour weeks certainly aren’t impossible and I’ve had more than my fair share of them, but haven’t had them in about 6 months. I did not handle work/life balance well then, so hoping to do better this time!

    *Due to my low-for-this-board salary and my roommate’s COVID concerns, outsourcing is not much of an option!

    1. Oh you kinda just don’t? Eat fast food crash when you can hope it’s over soon.

    2. I think the biggest bang for your buck is activities that give your brain a little bit of a break, but not completely. Think things like drawing, playing a boardgame, reading a book, or taking a walk in nature. That way you can make your limited time away from work much more restful and rejuvenating then a couple hours of couch time will be.

    3. Use the non-work time you DO have productively. I know it’s tempting to crash and do nothing when you have a few hours “off”, but if I do things like force myself to do my laundry and fold it and put it away, clean up a bit, etc., then I typically feel much better during the week. It feels like there’s less general stress and chaos on top of my work-related stress and chaos. Also, I’ve been scheduling calls for the time while I cook dinner. I am able to multi-task and get work done but also get a healthy home-made meal made, which is really nice when I frequently order delivery due to time constraints.

    4. honestly, most of it is mental prep, that this time period is going to suck, but i will get through it. prioritize sleep when possible, make sure your laundry is done, have food that requires zero prep work, whether it is freezing meals in advance or just making a meal out of an amy’s frozen burrito and some carrots. i am a planner by nature so a job where i know when this intense period is coming i can handle, vs. a job where there are a lot of ‘surprises’ (eg big law)

    5. When I’m working a ton, house mess stresses me out more than normal. If that is not the case for you just ignore it, but if you are that way, I have found it helps to put on a podcast and set a 15 minute timer at beginning or end of day to clean and pick up. You can get a surprising amount done in that short time and sometimes can get in a groove and keep going, even after a long day.

    6. Large amounts of relatively healthy pre-pared food. Costco? Rosterisse chickens and salads. Trader joe’s? The indian frozen food. Normal grocery? Bags of salad kits and precooked food. Adapt to your dietary needs and preferences.

       I also drink large volumes of water, and privilege sleeping as much as I can over leisure activities.

    7. Hydrate (a lot)! It’s one thing you can control that makes you feel better that you can do while working.

    8. You don’t and adding an expectation that you can or will seems like a recipe for failure and disappointment.

    9. I try to prep by having lots of soup frozen in the freezer so I don’t have to think about food. And stocking up on all the snacks- savory and sweet/ healthy and indulgent. Then when I’m actually at work, I just focus on getting through the day in small chunks. Like when I arrive at 8am I try not to think about where I need to be at 11pm, but rather focus on getting through the next hour. Or even ten minutes some times. At the same time, having a loose structure to my day and knowing when I can eat or step away for fifteen minutes is also helpful. Andon those little breaks, I try to get outside and walk two laps around the block or do some downward dogs in my office to help reset and prep for the next push.
       Oh and making sure to look ahead and pay my bills before I get into crunch time. There were so many times when I forgot to pay bills in the fog of a heavy workload- I realized that stress was totally avoidable.

14. PSA: if you are able to do so, please consider donating plasma (and regular blood too!). Demand is high for immunoglobulin products right now, not only to treat COVID-related syndromes, but for people who rely on them as a regular treatment for immune conditions. There were supply issues before COVID, but they’re really acute right now. If you are eligible and feel comfortable doing so, please consider donating and spreading the word to family and friends.

    1. Also, many blood banks test you for antibodies now. I have given every 2 months for decades and each time eagerly await my results. My cholesterol is through the roof now (diet some days is mainly chocolate b/w xmas the Valentine’s Day), but no antibodies yet :( still: all blood is useful (ditto plasma)

       Eat yo iron and donate if you can!!!

       1. The iron is my problem! I used to go several times a year, but every time I’ve gone in the past year I’ve been turned away for low iron (and I haven’t changed my eating habits).

          Since tiredness is a symptom of low iron, I’ve started treating myself for a cheeseburger on days I feel tired for no reason. I’ve been doing this for months, still unable to donate!

          1. I developed slight anemia this year too, without a change to my eating habits. My pcp put me on iron supplements, which have helped (the constip*tion is real tho).

             1. I tried heme iron last time around (proferrin). I was really pleased not to get side effects. It’s expensive though.

             2. I think I learned about this here – if you take liquid iron it is non-constipating. Floradix is one brand.

          2. Raising iron can be hard. I used a cronometer account to track my iron intake once. I was consistently getting less than 70% my RDA even on the days I ate cheeseburgers or chili or steak. Red meat just didn’t go as far as I expected it to! I was surprised.

          3. All the more reason why those who can donate should donate. Not everyone can.

       2. Thank you for donating!!

       3. As a vegetarian, I had the same problem for years. I did some research about food combinations and iron absorption and began eating accordingly. Eating something with vitamin C when you eat your iron-rich food helps with absorption, but coffee and dairy hinder absorption. So the cheese in a cheeseburger may be somewhat inhibiting absorption. But if you instead had a regular burger with a tomato, you may absorb more iron. Iron in meat is absorbed better than from non-meat sources.
          Anyway, food combining for the sole purpose of helping out my iron has worked for me, and I can now donate blood three times per year.

          1. Not a vegetarian, but a meat eater who doesn’t eat it often due to the power perpetually going out in my area (so won’t keep it in the ‘fridge). I am the queen of bean burritos. I read somewhere that beans + rice are a good vehicle from all of the goodies in both, and then I throw in some cheese and guac and tomatillos (acid) and corn. And Cholula. Always Cholula. It really worked for my iron (along with oatmeal for some breakfasts).

    2. I’m going to recommend the iron supplement “Blood Builder.” I have O- blood and try to donate a lot but went through a spell where I got turned away for iron. It is the best iron supplement I have found without side effects indicated by others.

    3. Thank you for this!! I am one of those people who relies on regular gammaglobulin infusions due to an antibody disorder. I am so thankful for all the plasma donors!

15. Following the discussion of school reopenings the other day, I’ve been thinking a lot about how let down I feel by our public school system. I grew up going to private schools, which educated me well but were small, insular, wealthy, and didn’t have a huge emphasis on academics (instead valued sports and superficial values). As a result of my experience, I had a rather singular goal as I got married and settled down to live somewhere with great public schools in a community that valued education so that my kids could have what I didn’t — a great education in a bigger and more diverse setting. And that’s what we did — bought a tiny house in the “best” school district in our area, which cost much more than the same house would have just a few miles away, just so our kids could have a great education. Our kids are now in 9th, 8th, and 4th grades and I’m feeling really let down by their experience and questioning my life decisions. Their peers are wicked smart and come from nice and very well educated families, and there’s a lot just in that. But overall, as I look back, there have only been a handful of teachers who I feel like really cared about any of my kids as individuals (they are all nice, easy-going, but not academic all star kids — they are pretty average by the standards of our district). The administration seems solely focused on keeping the trains running. My kids do well but none have any passion for learning or ever come home talking about something they learned. And a year of COVID lockdowns, with the unions utterly entrenched and unwilling to open even for the neediest kids, with the county seeming to be entirely in the teachers’ camp and unwilling to listen to parents and the very real needs of some kids has me feeling like it was always this way — that the kids don’t matter and that the whole notion of being a “great” school system is smoke and mirrors. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way and can commiserate, or — even better — whether anyone can cheer me up with a story about how their own (or their kids’) great public school education where they might have considered private school but are glad they stuck with public. We are looking at private schools but 1) I have reservations based on my own experience and the fact that it’s completely different from how I imagined things and 2) it’s almost impossible to get in with people fleeing public schools.

    1. I went to highly rated public schools growing up, first magnet schools in a large urban district and then neighborhood schools in a wealthy suburban district. We bought a house zoned for the “best” schools in our metro area so our daughter could attend. I have never been under the illusion that public schools care one whit about any individual child except a handful of kids whose parents are very active volunteers or PTA officials. Being an academic superstar, no matter how brilliant and successful, is not enough. The kids who get noticed and offered special opportunities are the ones with loud, pushy parents. I wish I could go back in time a few years, quit my job, and become a SAHM who volunteers at the school and is buddies with the principal. The fact that I didn’t has really cost my kid over the years.

       Private school was not an option because my husband is opposed to paying for it, plus we didn’t want our daughter exposed to rich kids who can afford to get into all kinds of trouble.

    2. with regard to your first concern about private schools – there are many private schools that are focused on academics rather than sports. just like not all public schools are created equal, not all private schools are created equal. i went to private school my whole life, but DH went to public school. we each have two ivy league degrees, he is more successful professionally than i am. most of my closest friends at my ivy league college attended public high schools, though some did attend private elementary or middle schools, and are now doctors, work in consulting, tech, etc. i also know people who attended private school who were raised with too much easy access to money and never really had to do anything for themselves as a kid. just like with most things, there is no one size fits all. every kid is different. every public school is different. every private school is different. i will say that at the private school i attended, many teachers really cared about their students. i didn’t really stay in touch with any on a personal level, but my mother passed away last year and a number of my former teachers (i am in my 30s) attended her funeral. i am sure that some public school teachers are like that too.

    3. I just think generations of underinvestment in schools broadly and the ghettoization of teaching to women and – how can i put this, because many wonderful people become teachers – but it’s not really the cream of the crop of professions – just means schools in general are not that great and we all need to collectively manage expectations. Sure, I know some outstanding teachers but when I look at who from my high school class, for example, is teaching? I just wouldn’t expect too much of them.

       1. “I just think generations of underinvestment in schools broadly and the ghettoization of teaching to women and – how can i put this, because many wonderful people become teachers – but it’s not really the cream of the crop of professions”

          I read once — and I don’t know how true this is — that in the days when women could only become secretary/nurse/teacher (and we’re not that far off – that’s my mother’s generation) — the overall caliber of those professions was higher because the woman who would otherwise be the executive became the executive secretary, the woman who would otherwise be the surgeon became the nurse, the woman who would otherwise be the scientist or the historian became the teacher. As well, a lot of very smart women became nuns because they could run schools, institutions, etc. without the distraction of husband / kids.

    4. Whether your kids love school and learning has a lot more to do with the subject matter and the kid than it does individual teachers. Teachers can certainly be terrible and traumatize a kid and make them hate a subject forever but a good teacher isn’t going to magically make a kid that excels in literature love math if that just isn’t their strong suit.

       I went to a public school like the one you describe. I thrived in college where I was interested in all of my classes and they were all applicable to what I wanted to do with my life.

       Also, I don’t think can compare pandemic learning to all the time learning. They are just totally different things.

       I’ve currently been walking my neighbor’s dog while she recovers from surgery and she constantly has 1 of her 3 kids home from school with her. It’s because either one of the kid’s teachers or one of the kid’s in the class has tested positive. I know sending the whole class home is probably stricter than some other districts but given our school’s ventilation system that is what they think is best. I don’t have kids but I was asking her about her perspective after all of the discussion here and she finds it far more disruptive for her kids (one of whom is special needs) to have their schedule constantly in flux. She’d rather it just be home all the time if they were closing that often.

       All this to say, school districts are in a can’t win situation. There aren’t enough teachers to do both remote school and in person school for everyone that wants to choose that option. The parents are split between who wants what when.

       1. In-person school is not a magic solution. This year our district required parents to commit to 100% on line or 100% in person. The on-line program is terrible, but so is in-person. The district, which has always been against offering advanced coursework because it’s “elitist,” has taken the opportunity to gut the IB and AP programs. There were drastic cutbacks to the IB program, and all the IB 9th graders were tossed into regular 10th grade honors classes in place of the special pre-IB courses they were supposed to take. AP courses were outsourced to the state’s asynchronous on-line program, so in-person students sit in a classroom breathing COVID germs while taking on-line classes on their laptops. At any given time, something like 10% of in-person students are quarantined due to exposure at school, and that’s with a very conservative definition of “exposure” designed to minimize quarantines. There is a lot of in-school transmission among faculty and staff who are apparently not great at wearing masks and distancing in faculty meetings, etc., which has led to temporary school shutdowns. Yet the district still insists on keeping sports going, including wrestling without masks. Bus service is extremely limited, so parents have to spend an hour in the morning and and hour in the afternoon dropping off and picking up their kids. Now we are hearing that some students may not be allowed to return in person in the fall, despite the fact that there have been no reductions in class size so capacity should be a non-issue. The district’s only priority is bragging rights for the school board and superintendent. As long as it can claim that it’s the largest district in the state offering in-person instruction and is keeping sports running, that’s all that matters. Who cares if anyone is actually learning anything.

          1. In my city, IB programs are what is keeping the remaining richer parents from fleeing en masse. In elementary, I think that private is probably much better (we couldn’t afford 25K/kid) but in high school, the bigger public schools do better for the high-fliers (private is probably still better for a kid who is average b/c they get attention from teacher to GAF vs no attention elsewhere). They will put IB programs in “bad” schools to draw in people from overcrowded suburban areas of the school and I will probably send my kids there based on neighbors who have been happy with it. Mine are just in middle school now. [Actually: at home for almost a year, but whatevs.]

             1. All of the surrounding districts put their IB programs in their “worst” schools and use them as a way to prevent flight to private schools. Our district leadership sees it differently–they are generally opposed to differentiated instruction and gifted education because they believe smart kids already have an unfair advantage. The pandemic gave them a convenient excuse to accelerate cuts they’ve been planning for a long time.

                Our county’s IB program used to be credited with raising school rankings and property values. Once parents of those students start moving away or putting their kids in private school, the county will find itself in a negative feedback loop between declining school quality and property tax revenues.

    5. I *was* one of the academic all-stars at a “good” public school — and still there were only a few teachers (high school) that I remember as being particularly attentive.

       Your kids sound like they are doing perfectly well as-is. I highly doubt I ever came home as a 13 or 14 year old bursting to tell my parents what I learned that day. Are they happy to go to school? Behaving responsibly? Doing the best to their abilities? Then they are fine.

       1. This was me too. I went to public school in one of the best districts in the country and did very well academically. I love learning, still do, but I cannot recall one single momet when I came home and gushed to my parents about what I learned at school once I hi middle school. I also had only one or two teachers who I adored – but that didn’t mean that other teachers weren’t attentive.

          I agree with Cat that your kids sound like they are doing fine as-is.

       2. Also same, and seeing my kids going down the same path as the smart, easy to manage, rule-following untroubled kids who don’t need a lot of the teachers’ attention or help, and as a result don’t get it. I honestly don’t remember a teacher that I particularly “connected with” or was particularly impactful on me, and I feel the same way about the public school teachers my kids have had over the last ~5 years. Everyone is okay-to-good, no one is great.
          My thought is that public school (and many private school) teachers will mostly be focusing on the good of the class in a low-resources environment, and a lot of time the pie-chart slice of what the “easy” kids get is a lot smaller than what the struggling/troubled/more difficult kids get. I don’t know that that is necessarily a bad thing, & I recognize it gives my kids experience working independently and self-motivating that will likely be applicable in the adult world. I do totally get where you’re coming from OP but I also don’t think it is a problem any of us as parents can solve.

       3. Agreed. Teens don’t usually come home bursting to tell parents what they learned. OP’s kids sound like they are doing well.

       4. Yeah, sorry, I think this is just how 13 and 14 year olds ARE. I was so much more interested in my social life and my own inner life at that time, especially since academics were not a great struggle for me. And honestly, a lot of what I was excited about at that age was not a school subject. I holed up in my bedroom for hours attempting to teach myself Gaelic and write Outlander fanfiction, lol, which I did not care to share with my parents.

       5. I went to a great public school with hihghly-invested teachers. I was aware but didn’t appreciate it then as much as when I got to college and heard about others’ experiences. I was so much better prepared than others, though some of the truly elite private school kids came in very ready. I cannot believe now how much effort my teachers put into their jobs and individual students. We weren’t even considered a competitive district in my state.. But I don’t recognize schooling for what it is today in my current city. I hear all these kids say they are in “AP” classes, but the classes have zero rigor, the students can’t perform basic math and writing tasks, and I don’t think the schools even administer the AP exams or have the goal of students passing them.

       6. +1. Also a great student, diligent about my schoolwork, but definitely waaaaaay more likely to report back on friend/boy drama when asked, “how was your day?” Such are the priorities of a teenager!

    6. I think public schools are a by-product of having to optimize everything. You can’t just enjoy baseball, you have to be on a traveling team with all-day events every weekend. You can’t just enjoy math, you have to take AP Calculus freshman year and be on a math team. You can’t just be a worker bee on the yearbook committee, you have to be Chief Editor and write a blog for other yearbook committees on the side. Average and below-average kids seem to be left by the wayside, particularly in “great” schools, aka pressure cookers.

       I don’t think it’s much different in a private school, except private schools can be selective. Just by nature of charging tuition, you’re losing a lot of valuable diversity in the student body. They notoriously (as a group) do less for students who need IEPs or other interventions and so you have less diversity there. And they can kick out kids or families who don’t meet “standards”, so again, less diversity. You end up in a small microcosm that isn’t really reflective of a full life. I don’t think private schools being in person during covid is any sort of passing grade on quality – I think it’s taking full advantage of their relative homogeneity.

       We started my kids in private school but early on pulled them out and put them in our diverse public system that has a high proportion of English Language Learners – so the school consistently scores poorly on tests. We couldn’t be happier. The teachers really care (although are vastly underpaid) about their students and go above and beyond to meet the needs of ALL of the kids as best as they can. My kids have a friend group with the perspective that grades/ accomplishments aren’t the only important factors in life, and certainly not in fifth grade. And as we all work to learn the dominate language of their friends, they’re gaining an empathy and worldview that will serve them so well as adults.

    7. Responding from North Jersey…My son is getting a great public school education, even during the pandemic. As a matter of fact, he’s getting the best grades he’s ever received. Our administration “keeps the trains running”, puts the neediest kids first and is willing to listen to the parents and children. As a matter of fact, while hybrid learning is still going on, they have expanded more in person hours with the understanding that those with special needs (IEP’s etc) take priority for in person learning, if they choose. Around here, private schools become more of “a thing” in high school. But they are geared towards elite athletics and gifted students.

    8. I had the opposite experience in private school growing up. Mine wasn’t elitist and most of my classmates were middle class or upper middle class. Values like integrity and helping others were stressed, and those teachers CARED. Even the teachers I didn’t like, I knew cared. I have so many fond memories of my teachers who gave their all to us.

       The thing is, with public schools, it’s HARD to be a teacher. You have to teach to standardized tests, you’re paid less than minimum wage when it’s worked out hourly, you have to deal with snotty parents, and you often can’t “teach” because you’ve got to deal with red tape, too many students per class, and students on vastly different learning planes all in the same room. And oh yeah, you also have to serve as a social worker, nurse, and a dozen other things at the same time, too.

       The other thing is that the “best” schools are often located simply in affluent neighborhoods. They’re the “best” because they get the most tax dollars from expensive properties and because they have the “easiest” kids to teach – read to from a little age, no violence at home, plenty of food, etc. Friends of mine who are teachers say they often enjoy teaching more in less affluent/mixed economic districts because it’s more rewarding knowing you’re really helping and making a difference (and because they say the parents are easier to deal with too). And those schools sometimes get more state and federal resources than the affluent schools, so they have better resources.

       Lastly, public school administrators are rewarded/encouraged/required to follow the 1001 regulations imposed on them by the state and often can’t/won’t allow flexibility/cover for teachers who want to do more/different with their kids.

       In short, American education is wholly broken. But we all knew that already.

    9. I went to both and put my kids in highly-regarded (not the best, but good) neighborhood school that still had about 25% free/reduced lunch kids at it. In K, it was good. By 3rd, parents were starting to head for the doors, most to private schools. It really was a combo of the principal not caring and the teachers dealing with 20+ (often 25+) kids in a class, coupled with a sense of the parents would just make up for things on their own at home (Mathnasium, tutors, SAHMs doing it themselves). I heard a lot of “so many kids here have it worse than yours” (so it was OK to give our kids occupational and speech therapy). We’d never get off the waitlist for private schools in our city, but from friends who made it in from sibling or alumni preferences, they are paying a ton of $ but finally feel like they are actually getting what they paid for (and these parents are pretty woke, so for them to move says a lot) and they only really care about academics (vs athletics or social cliques — all of the moms work and now pretty much can’t quit). I moved my kids to magnet schools where the poverty rates are much higher (like having food pantries at school) but all of the kids want to be there and the teachers / principal are OMG so much stronger and are making an impact (even though we’ve been remote all year).

    10. I think your expectations may not line up with your kids or most kids. I was a great student in good public schools. My brother was a fair student because of parental consequences for being a poor student. I don’t recall either of us having a passion for learning or running home excited to talk about class. A cheating scandal, friend breakup, or vomit in the cafeteria was way more exciting.

    11. I went to an excellent public high school and had several excellent teachers even through high school. Part of why I think the school was so good, other than taxes, etc. is that many of the teachers lived in the community, so they actually cared about the students at the school. A large portion of the teachers were also doctors’ wives or something like that– so they were teaching because they wanted to and were less frustrated by the low salary, etc.

        I have heard complaints from relatives that the school is not as good if you are “average” and not in some niche in academics or sports, but I feel like that is true of most public schools.

    12. My kids went to an extremely diverse public school system, all the way through. They did very well. I have no complaints. One is in college now, planning to become a teacher because she was so inspired by some of the great teachers she had. (And to address a sort of snobby comment above, she is not a bottom of the barrel student, she had an A average and took all the AP courses offered in high school.) My son is a high school senior waiting to hear from all the colleges he applied to but has already gotten into two in an extremely competitive year for college applications.

        There is more to school than book learnin’ and getting into the top college. Kids are learning everything about the world they live in at those ages. I never had any desire to sent them away for a sheltered experience with other kids who come from wealthy families. They went to school with kids from all walks of life, especially true in our school district which really prides itself on diversity in every school (the same system Kamala Harris spoke about.) This prepared my kids for life in the real world more than any of their curriculum did.

    13. I went to phenomenal public schools, with lots of smart kids of well-educated parents. I was the child of a single first gen college grad parent who cared deeply about education, but didn’t have the bandwidth or cultural knowledge to find opportunities for me outside of school.

        I had teachers who formed special connections with me and really helped me. I needed and benefited from that help so much. While I hope that my kids will get similar relationships, they really don’t need them as much as I did—they have two parents caring for them daily, who know to be looking for opportunities for them, who know when and how to advocate for them, can facilitate play dates, are much more financially secure, etc.

    14. I went to a private school. The academics and athletics were equally excellent (more people from my graduating class went to Ivy League schools than went to state schools). I was a good student (As/Bs, with Cs in math), but not an All Star; my brother was NOT a student and we both had great experiences and teachers we really connected with (and are still in touch with). The diversity was not great, but the school tried (lots of scholarship kids, a program specifically for inner city kids, but yes, it was mostly rich, white people).

        I’ll be the voice of dissent – my brother and I both came home and discussed things we learned on a regular basis; our family dinner conversations were often discussing what we learned at school, when we want on trips my brother and I would talk about what we knew that related to the trip; etc. Neither of us were very academic, it was all normal conversation for us. I attribute this to our relationships with teachers, the fact that it was “cool”to be smart at our school, and how the school did a great job of linking extracurricular experiences to academic ones and linking between subjects.

        All this to say, I think it’s worth exploring private school.

    15. Late in the day, but want to thank everyone for their responses. It’s really interesting to hear different people’s experiences. To be clear, I am definitely NOT expecting my teens to be running home telling me about school. My point is that they have NEVER seemed particularly interested in one thing they have learned — not even coming home with a “mom, did you know…” type of comment. Friends with kids in private schools report seeing more interest and engagement from their kids, though of course that could just be the kids. And yes, my kids are fine. I should be (and am) grateful for that. But I also think it’s fair for all of us to expect more for our schools, especially where our taxes are so high and the community promises greatness.

        I think my take aways are that the education system is more universally broken than I had realized and that if I had a do-over, I would have chosen a less affluent neighborhood and saved my money for private schools. Also that “great public school” can mean “really smart and educated families live there, so test scores are high” and not “this is a place where your kids will get a great education or develop a love of learning.” I wish I had figured this out earlier, but as many here have noted, it will be ok.

        1. Yes, test scores are generally reflective of the socioeconomic status of families at the school, not the quality of education at that school.

    16. I grew up going public school in a place where people moved there “for the good schools” but it was pretty much 1970s white flight driving the “good” descriptor, not the academic prowess of the school. My parents did consider private school, but decided not to go for it, mostly for logistical reasons.

        My sister and I both got into selective liberal arts colleges without heavy tutoring or massive SAT prep. My college touted (at the time) touted itself as having half its students from public, half its students from private. “Public” was a bit of a misnomer because there were a lot of students from schools like Lowell in SF, Stuyvestant in NY, Boston Latin, Eastchester High in Scarsdale, so either very elite or very wealthy public schools. I did just as well (or in some cases a lot better) in terms of grades and grad school than many of my peers who had gone to much more academically challenging high schools.

        In terms of life experience, a lot of what happens in public school is OK, but not optimal. A lot of stuff that happens in life is OK, but not optimal. Not every experience needs to be optimal. And I was certainly exposed to a lot of people in public school that didn’t have well-off parents, or weren’t naturally ambitious, or had completely different, non-academic talents.

        My kids go to a diverse public school in a small urban district. I think their teachers are actually better than the ones I had since my kids’ teachers can’t really assume that the parents can just pay for tutors if their kid is stuck. Some of their teachers have been better than others, but none have been totally unreasonable or cruel (I had a few of those). While I think the academic bar has been lowered for my eldest this year, she’ll catch up. I’m more worried about the youngest, but mostly since he’s a bit of a slacker and I can’t sit next to him all day and make him do the work.

16. Good morning: I posted yesterday seeking course recommendations to learn product management skills, SAAS, B2B. A second “Rette and I would be grateful for your recs. Thanks!

    1. Perhaps there is nuance that I don’t understand, but I was surprised that you didn’t mention anything about getting your PMP certification. That seems to be the most standard, no-brainer project management training to pursue.

       1. Project management has way better and more established certifications than product management, in my experience. Most folks I know in product got in by taking a junior role, launching something, and growing from there. Not a lot of trainings.

          1. Maybe it is industry-specific? In mine, I can’t think of a single tech-related project manager in my field who doesn’t list their PMP with their credentials. Anyone without it is assumed to be working towards it or moving to a non-project-management role.

             1. I think OP is looking for training/certs specific to product management, not project management. I assume there’s overlap but there may be something more relevant to OP’s needs than a PMP.

    2. Hello – OP here:
       It’s product management, not project.
       I’ve been in a role involving a lot of interaction with our clients and am now asked to help develop new products to bring to market. Thanks!

       1. Aha, reading comprehension is not strong for me this Friday! :)

       2. I’m interested, too! The vast majority of what I’ve seen is project, not product, which isn’t helpful for me.

       3. Hi–am a tech lawyer, working in SaaS in the Bay Area:

          –Operators Guild is very good. It’s a pay-in organization, but it’s incredible, according to my colleagues and a few friends.
          –First Round Capital has really great thought leadership
          –Crossbeam/Sean Blanda on LinkedIn will be helpful
          –If you can find them, Forrester and Gartner reports in your industry are helpful to understand how your company or its products can be market leaders.
          –A16Z (Andreeesen Horowitz) has a SaaS/enterprise software newsletter
          –Fortune has both Term Sheet and Data Sheet newsletters which are both quite good.
          –If you follow some of the larger enterprise software companies, they have women-specific free webinars on product management
          –Power to Fly is a tech organization that has webinars re this
          –LinkedIn Learning or Khan Academy may have some free courses. Undoubtedly Udemy will have a paid one.

          Hope these help.

       4. And now I’m off to google the difference between the two! This is not at all what I do professionally but I’ve always been kind of interested in project management.

    3. I meant to reply to this yesterday and forgot (got busy at work). We have brought in Pragmatic Product Marketing for training at my company and still use many of the principles. My caution with Pragmatic Product Marketing is that development has to be on board to following product marketing/management principles. I also had one of my team take the Product Management Certificate training from Cornell’s online program and that was a good investment. FWIW we are SaaS B2B tech as well. I am not a VP/SVP of Product Marketing but functionally ran it at the time, before switching to a different role.

    4. Hi- I replied yesterday as someone who has been in VP/SVP product roles at a few different B2B software companies.

       There are a couple different philosophies/approaches to product management at companies. In smaller companies, product usually emerges after sales / the founding team sells something and engineering/development builds it…and then the company has to grow up and figure out how to build more things/scale/ manage the wishlist of their 5 biggest customers which surprisingly is not all the same. Product management in this case is really about being a liason between sales/marketing and development– ensuring that development is working on things that will both increase the sell-ability of the product while also avoiding long term tech debt and other support issues. Sometimes you’ll see a Product Marketing Manager and a Technical Product Manager- and sometimes (often) these roles are combined, particularly if you find someone good.

       In other scenarios, Product Management is focused on identifying new market needs/building new products or major new features. They have to talk to the market (current and prospective buyers), understand “nice to have, sure, I’d buy that” vs “this is a major pain point that I have budget to address in the near term.” Sales will tell Product everything is a “must do” but it’s your role to suss out what is pragmatic to do from a scalability standpoint. The worst thing for a product manager to do is believe “if you buid it, they will come.” Do the market research.

       Training: Pragmatic Marketing training is good for PMs over new product. It’s less effective if you are coming into a role where IT/development or some other entity has been driving the dev bus. Sequent is another framework / training to consider. Both of these are really only as good as your organization is willing to commit to applying them. You’ll want to understand the methodology by which your dev team is working because it will impact your roadmap planning. Agile shops work differently than kanban or waterfall. It would be worth a quick training on whichever methodology your org uses.

       The major skills I look for/train in product management professionals is the ability to find and understand the market needs (pain points), ability to develop a business case (for new builds, sunsetting, repricing, etc). I like to give all my PMs P&L responsibility– not officially, but I think of them as mini GMs over their product that need to understand what’s working and what isn’t quarter over quarter. In some orgs, the PM is the one that sits down with dev to do backlog grooming. In larger/more sophisticated orgs, this is really a business analyst type role. I’ve hired strong BAs as junior level product managers in the past. I’ve also hired former sales people with a (rare) ability to work with developers into the role.

       1. I’m the second poster from yesterday…thanks to everyone (and to OP for reposting today!)

    5. OP again:
       Thank you SO much! Am copying your replies into a doc so I can do my research.
       You have truly helped me.

       1. One other thing. Product managers generally not actually people managers. I’ve had some people take PM roles and be disappointed in the lack of management track. A good product manager may become a very well paid senior level individual contributor, but it is often not a role to take if you want to lead a department of people. Nor is it an entry level role.

          For a ballpark, one of my teams ranged from Associate Product Managers with 3-5 years of experience in a relevant field or role (eg. Had been a business analyst in IT, worked in our customer service department, or perhaps worked in the industry we are building a product for). These guys made ~80k. My Product Managers were young mid-career people that have either been Associate PMs Under me, or have had product management or directly relevant industry experience more in the 5-7 year range. They made ~90-130k and could be PMs or Senior PMs.

          A Director level person either was over a portfolio of products or a major product that requires expertise and often sales-y/demo type stuff. I had one of those and frankly, I inherited him as a VP of product from a company we acquired- Director is as low as we could place him and still retain him.

          I have had Product Experts as well- these are often like Employee #5 at a founding company. No direct reports and she made $160k.

          If you want to be a VP of product, you usually have to switch companies. My first role as a VP I got because my boss quit so they promoted me as I was already managing our compliance team (my product had a lot of compliance issues), two product marketers that marketing failed to manage so I inherited them, and my own portfolio of products.

17. I’ve been watching and reading the most recent news stories coming out about gang r*pes the Uyghur internment camps in China. I’m deeply horrified and feel completely helpless. What do we all do in this situation? What is there to do? I feel very strongly about this, but I don’t know where to channel any energy.

    Two CNN links (one video and one article):

    https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2021/02/18/lead-ivan-watson-dnt-live-jake-tapper.cnn

    https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/18/asia/china-xinjiang-teacher-abuse-allegations-intl-hnk-dst/index.html

    1. I have been emailing my representatives. I do feel somewhat helpless too, but that’s the only way I know that can actually make a difference. I will copy some text below that a good friend sent to her representative on the issue that I thought was better than what I sent:

       I fully support any action to prevent products made with forced Uyghur labor from entering the US, including the Uyghur Forced Labor Prevention Act, which I urge you to enact as quickly as possible.

       I also urge you to restrict trade with all companies that participate in the suppression of the Uyghur population, such as those that produce surveillance technology like HUAWEI and ZTE, and to restrict research, collaboration, and other exchanges with Chinese institutions, professional bodies, and companies that are involved in this genocide. These restrictions should remain in place until there is complete closure of all concentration and other camps, all detainees are released, religious and cultural freedoms are guaranteed by the Chinese constitution for Uyghurs, other Turkic peoples, and all religions in the Xinxiang province, and all Uyghurs and other ethnic minorities have the freedom to communicate with relatives abroad.

       I also ask that you demand full access of independent monitors to Xinxiang, including those from the UN Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights. The world needs to hold China accountable for its human rights abuses, which can only happen when we understand and fully document the on-the-ground reality.

    2. I think you can call your nationally elected representatives and let them know it’s an important issue for you. You can also write letter to some of the bigger companies that do business with China to make it clear that you will be avoiding their products while this is happening. This is obviously impossible to really do but if everyone committed to stuff like this it would make a huge difference.

    3. I think this is one area where social media posts could be helpful. I think there are a lot of people that have no idea this is going on. Frankly, if it weren’t for reading here, I wouldn’t have known. I wouldn’t post anything too preachy (or people skip instead of read) but you could post something like “not sure why this isn’t getting bigger press but I’d like to spread awareness about XYZ. If you would like to do more with me, email your representatives ABC.” Include a link to your local representatives email. I always try to make it easy for someone to do something.

    4. There isn’t much you can do when Biden is beholden to China, but email your representatives?

18. Any recommendations for current TV shows providing fashion inspiration? I’m up for any kind of show with great clothes.

    1. I know the time period isn’t current, but I loved the fashion in The Queen’s Gambit. Just started Good Girls and Christina Hendricks is pretty stylish on there.

       1. The fashion in The Queen’s Gambit was so good! Will definitely check out Good Girls. Thanks!

    2. I totally wish they’d reboot What Not to Wear. I stinking loved that show <3

       1. I had a love-hate relationship. The wardrobe and hairstyling requirements the women were left with always seemed time-consuming and high-maintenance (dry cleaning, ironing, lots of blow-drying or heat styling, etc).

          I wonder what it would be like in these times of Athleisure. Maybe the focus would be on flattering tops that cover the bum and upgrading sneakers?

          1. I would love to see a version where the experts helped people develop a personal style, however that looked for them. The original seemed to funnel everyone into a very specific way of dressing.

             1. Did you ever watch Stacey London’s show, Love Lust or Run? It had its own problematic elements (polling general members of the public for their thoughts on someone’s style … ew) but I did really like that they seemed to have more fun with everyone’s individual styles rather than putting them into the same box.

             2. I thought the style of Love, Lust, or Run was excellent.

       2. That show did not age well. Athleisure has exploded since then, but even when the show was airing, I couldn’t understand why they recommended such stuffy outfits for running errands and taking kids to playgrounds.

          1. +1. I liked seeing the workwear, but so much of it seemed really impractical. I also agree that they boxed everyone into the same basic style. Still, I loved the show back in the day.

          2. Also, as we discussed a few weeks ago, the premise that the hosts would just come in and completely substitute their judgment for that of their “subjects” (in the form of “rules”) does NOT age well.

          3. idK I would still love to have a what not to wear makeover, I just don’t want to be on TV. You know the people on that show agreed to do it, right?

          4. In hindsight I think they were trying to steer people away from wearing mom capris. I also don’t think they were stuffy outfits then (like trouser jeans, right?) even though they might be now.

    3. Madame Secretary is still my fashion goals.

       1. Awesome, thanks!

       2. YES. Also The Good Wife and The Good Fight.

       3. I can’t stand her weird look in that show where she always had long sleeves under blazers that were rolled up to mid forearm or the elbow. It looked so weird and sloppy to me.

    4. Killing Eve

       1. I loved Carolyn’s clothes! So professional chic.

    5. Queer Eye!

    6. Bling empire is 100% ridiculous, but those women have gorgeous designer clothes if you want to mindlessly gawk.

    7. Honestly I’d rather browse WornOnTV then spend the time actually watching the shows, but attention span these days is rather shameful.

       1. MY attention span

19. Y’all, it’s me. The person who heard a scratch-scratch-scratch the other day. It took 2-3 days, but today there was a dead mouse in the trap (I didn’t check yesterday). I baited my spare trap (going to let the one with the dead mouse cool off a bit — the last thing I want to do is go empty a trap and the critter isn’t dead yet) and set it out. What’s the over-under for “if there is one, chances are that he has friends”?

    TGIF

    1. I would bet my life that there are more. Sorry!

    2. I hate to even type this, but I think the general saying with things like pests (including mice and ants) is that there is never just one. It’s just one *that you’ve seen.* Sorry you are going through this. The sound of mice scurrying and squeaking puts my hair on end!

    3. I’ve had just one, two times. Crossing my fingers, OP!

    4. I experienced this almost a decade ago and still shudder. the answer is where there’s one, there’s more. And you will get through it. My trap was a black box that ‘shocked’ the rodent, instant kill, and a light turned red to show me that the box was full – i just had to tip it upside down into my trash (didn’t have to look at or touch rodent).

    5. My husband used to say he had “a rat” in the house. Once we got the professionals in, it took THREE MONTHS to get rid of all his friends.

       Also, if you don’t make sure all points of entry from outside are sealed off, this problem is going to recur.

       Man, I hate those critters.

    6. I am going through something similar in my crawl space, but it ain’t mice. That said, we caught one critter, a week went by, and there was no sign of any more visits. So maybe we are lucky? I am holding my breath for next week’s report, though. They don’t usually travel alone.

    7. He’s a popular fellow with a very large friend group. Sorry.

    8. OP here and I’m back to . . . complain about my predator situation. We have a resident owl (I hear him sometimes saying “who cooks for you” loudly at night when I’d prefer to be sleeping; he hangs out on our back fence when I take the dog out for his pre-dawn pee). We have hawks and falcons (in the ‘hood; I’m not some exotic animal keeper) that I see circling and sitting in the taller trees.

       I have predators. Why are they not getting the mice? Do I need to look into snakes (nearby friends have snakes, which they freak out about, but they are little black snakes and I bet these same people do not have mice)? A cat? I can kill them, but if they are living on my lot somewhere (probably) and just came in for the winter, more will follow and everyone will have babies and this may be a forever problem.

       I HATE MICE

    9. Yeah, in my old group house we had “a mouse” named Milton. I lived there for three years, and somehow despite all the traps we never managed to get rid of “that one mouse”, haha. It really never is just one. But it made us feel much better to “know” that it was just our old friend Milton. When my then-boyfriend/now husband started spending time there he would get SO MAD about our insistence that it was only Milton but we roommates stuck to our story :)

       1. Heh. We called ours Mr. Jingles. One of the most satisfying days of my life was when the rat guy found Mrs. Jingles’s dead body in a trap… and she was pregnant!! (I well remember the wild party in the attic at which she must have gotten knocked up…)

       2. My NYC dorm had a mouse. He was a tyrant. We named him Mousolini.

    10. I actually have had it be just one when it was a species not associated with infestations (so, a rando who wandered it from the cold). So it might be worth pulling out a field guide. Good luck!

    11. Ok, just a PSA – if you have vermin, please don’t use poisons. Poisoning rats, mice, etc doesn’t really deal with the whole colony, so it’s not effective, and it routinely poisons hawks, owls, falcons, and other birds of prey.

        Second, I had rats in my detached garage/carriage house. I have cats, which seems to keep them out of the kitchen, but the cats were locked out of the garage and weren’t able to deter the rats. We hired a trapper and he was able to show us where the rats were getting in and why they were getting in (no food sources, but bedding materials in the form of cardboard boxes and an old car seat). He told us that when you have greenery up next to your house or covering the lower part of your fence, it creates the perfect environment for them to run around unobserved by predators. So if you can keep these areas more open they will go elsewhere.

        I have an Ivy covered fence and he pulled the Ivy aside to show me a little rat path that was clearly trampled down from them running over it all day and night.

        I still haven’t removed the ivy because it’s pretty but may do so someday. Our garage wall is on the property line and our neighborhood has a bramble of vining roses up against it, so as long as they’re not taking that down I’m sure our ivy across the yard is not the main issue. We patched up the entry way and my husband is keeping track of all ongoing damage to the wooden garage wall (they literally chew through it). We also removed all bedding materials from the garage – Rubbermaid bins instead of cardboard boxes, and obviously threw away the now disgusting old car seat.

        Hope some of this helps!

20. Best resources for those new to working in the diversity, equity and inclusion space? Can you recommend any books? Have you found any paid trainings or certifications worthwhile?

    1. I would say that the paid training my company did was hit and miss. I think some of the exercises led people (particularly the older generations) to realize what some of the younger staff were talking about, but others were so overtly political that I think it damaged the effort a bit (think stuff like talking about racism in the workplace and concluding “and that’s why we need to talk about abolishing the police.”) If you go that route, I would recommend asking the trainer for a syllabus in advance so you can make sure that the content aligns with your organization’s needs and goals. I also recommend having specific goals in advance. The areas where we had specific goals (improve our DEI efforts in hiring, for example) went better than the ones that were more vague.

       1. My group’s paid training was also kind of a bust. It was a lot of time with breakout groups and flip charts and “what does diversity mean to me?” kind of useless questions and nothing actionable. Such a frustrating waste of two days, especially for those of us who want to DO something about it.

          OP, if you go this route, choose your paid trainers carefully.

          1. That’s exactly right. The breakout groups were near useless to us (they were a combination of therapy session and defensiveness for the most part), but some of the larger strategy discussions tied to specific goals were much more useful and actionable.

             1. Ours seemed designed to let the white male execs (and they were all white and male) check “diversity” off their list, then go back to hiring the nephews of their buddies from the club.

    2. And this is why we we will never actually achieve diversity, equity, and inclusion. Nothing against you, OP, but there is actual social science out there on this topic and companies should not be assigning non-experts to be in charge of DEI.

       Be skeptical of all quick fixes, checklists, hastily compiled reports, etc. Also of anyone who talks about “doing the work.” Racism is a systemic issue, and you need to identify and correct the problems with your system. Treating it as an individual moral failing will get you nowhere. The most valuable thing you can do in your position is to learn why this is a very long and difficult process and why you need to bring in actual experts to lead it, and get your management on board.

    3. No specific recommendations except to work with experts who have the lived experience of racism, homophobia, gender, or whatever characteristic you are learning about. Also, use books or articles by people of color when learning about racism, people from the LGBT community when learning about LGBT, etc. Finally, disability is a category in diversity and inclusion; many companies and organizations miss this category in the discussion.

       1. When you say disability, is it more physical disabilities (e.g., wheelchairs)? Or more broad, to include Down Syndrome?

          I’m just wondering because I know that there is a move to eliminate the sub-minimum wage for people in sheltered workspaces and wondering how we could hire someone with Down Syndrome in our office (a friend’s child has it and he loves to work but he is also not a typical employee (like filling out an application on his own would even be hard, but his mom became a SAHM largely to provide him with opportunities to be as independent as he can be).

    4. “Nothing about us without us” is a mantra worth keeping in mind. Be careful with books, trainings, etc. that are from an outside perspective, especially if they’ve been criticized by the people they talk about in the third person.

       1. I found that in my workplace, we needed to be careful with that. We had a weird moment where one of our subcommittees talked about setting new standards for subjects that we can and can’t joke about at work. I said that we should add jokes about sexuality to the list (a common topic in my office) and one of the other women said “but we on the committee are not gay so it’s not right for us to say that.” The other woman on the committee strongly agreed. I disagreed with that strongly and still do. I believe in universal human rights and that we should all speak out about issues that matter, even if we do not belong to the group in question. Also, if we left that particular question up to the three white gay males in my office, they would have 100% wanted to continue allowing jokes since they’re the ones who make them 99.9% of the time.

          1. Yes, that is bonkers. The idea isn’t to survey the office or that people who don’t share a demographic can’t advocate for inclusive environments. It’s more a caution about the risk of prioritizing what makes the majority demographic comfortable with diversity at the expense of the people included.

21. I have been working on cleaning up a certain financial reporting mess since July. I have spent hours and hours making repeated adjustments for thousands of individual files in a very tricky software system that I had to reach out to a hodgepodge of people to figure out. I finally finished it around November and both my CEO and our auditors have been saying I must still have to make adjustments in the software (they were comparing my numbers to X and Y, neither of which cover the entire ground of what I was working on).

    Recently, CEO asked an expert on the software to weigh in. Expert said outright, “No, Vicky did everything correctly; that all checks out.”

    captainholtvindication.gif!!!!!!!

    1. Nice!!!

    2. Boom! Congrats :)

    3. Boom! Congrats :)

    4. Awesome!

    5. Yay! Go Vicky!!

22. I’m in Virginia and my congresswoman just emailed me about a new state-wide Covid vaccine pre-registration site. From the email: “This new website is replacing all pre-existing local registration portals. If you have already pre-registered through your local health district, your name is being automatically imported into the new system and you do not need to register again.”

    Here’s the site: https://vaccinate.virginia.gov/preregister.html

    1. Except Fairfax County. https://www.fairfaxva.gov/Home/Components/News/News/10984/

       1. Except I am registered in Fairfax County and despite this, got an email saying my registration was transferred over to the statewide site. So who knows?

23. My dad is coming home today! They got his meds straightened out, more or less, we have a doctor appointment set up in less than a week just in case things aren’t going smoothly, and we have all the equipment for him to line live us. More than ten weeks without him- it will be difficult but we are so excited to have him home. Nervous. But excited.

    1. *Live with not line live.

    2. Fingers crossed for a smooth transition, Sloan :)

    3. Yay, that’s great news!! Were you able to find a home health person?

       1. Yes! They’ll meet him this afternoon and start for 3 hours a day tomorrow.

          1. Woohoo! I hope it all goes smoothly!

    4. Sending all my good vibes for you and your family, Sloan!! I know how hard this all is.

    5. Great news, Sloan!!

    6. So happy to hear this Sloan! Hoping it all goes well

    7. Great news.

       A couple thoughts….

       Make him do as much for himself as possible. Let him struggle getting dressed, and help as little as you can. Make him reach for the glass. Don’t just give it to him. Be patient, but realize that every little thing you let him do for himself is therapy, and the more you do for him, the slower/more limited recovery will be.

       Sleep is so important.
       Healthy diet with good calories and protein and hydration is so important.
       Treating depression aggressively is so important.
       And social/support/friends outlets for him as soon as that is manageable is so important.

       Older brains are slower to recover, but they are still plastic and can do amazing things. Continue therapy as much as possible for as long as possible. Fight fight fight to keep the therapists coming to the house and as soon as the Home Health company hint they want to cut off therapy, call the doctor and ask them to write a new script to continue therapy. And if he is eligible for a Day Rehab program, get him in one if you can.

       Good luck!

    8. Fantastic news!!

24. Does AT or Loft or Gap or anywhere have jeans or cords in a straight leg BUT with a curvy cut? My feet really like straight leg b/c I can wear socks + booties that way without looking like I have weird little hoofs at the bottom of my legs.

    I am OK keeping the skinnies for when I can dispense with the socks, but that will be months from now and I can’t imagine going sockless next winter, so I am ready to shop.

    1. Wait why can’t you wear socks with skinny jeans and boots? I just wear tonal matching socks, so black booties, black socks. Making nature the jeans are pulled over the tops if the socks so there is no sliver of exposed skin.

    2. I just ordered a pair of curvy slim jeans (I’m hoping they’re somewhere between skinny and straight) from Talbots and saw curvy straight options as well.

       1. +1 Talbots

    3. Wait. Do you not have the Internet?

    4. You can wear socks with booties and skinny jeans. Why wouldn’t you be able to?

       1. You can wear socks with booties and skinny jeans. Why wouldn’t you be able to?

25. I have posted a bunch of times about considering rhinoplasty and the various pros and cons. I am getting the surgery on Tuesday and I am absolutely giddy about it. I am SO excited! Some info for anyone interested: I have a fairly straightforward case, getting my bump removed and straightening the bride a bit, and refining the tip a bit. I expect the result to be very subtle and possibly only noticeable to me. I am not planning on telling anyone outside of my household, and don’t plan obnoxious seeing anyone maskless until I am vaccinated (I’m 1C, so probably not until summer). I paid $11,300 all in, spread out over the next 12 months interest free. I’m told 24 months interest free was also an option. Please post any advice you have for me! I will maybe post an update next week or so.

    1. Woo hoo good luck! Again, double the doc’s estimated recovery time.

    2. No advice, but I’m happy and excited for you. Best wishes for a speedy recovery and a fabulous result!

    3. You will be really puffy for a few weeks but then you will probably have like a year of some swelling that only you notice and then one day… you won’t! Also you will be out of it for a day or two, like eating chicken soup, but nothing you can’t handle. Good luck.

       1. I forgot about some swelling in the nose can take up to a year to disappear.

    4. Not sure what you’ve been told about recovery, but if you have packing in your nose you will 100% sound like the Walking Nose from old cold medicine commercials until it’s removed. Like saying “mom” will come out “bob.” Get a cover story ready :)

    5. So jelly! I want one and it is just not feasible for me. Can’t wait to hear how it went.

    6. Normally I would tell you that people are likely to notice, and that that is okay. But this might be the congruence of circumstances in which that is not true, assuming the change truly is subtle. Best of luck!

       1. *confluence, not congruence

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