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Coffee Break: Belle Vivier Pumps

Black woman wears yellow pumps with buckle and slightly curved, low heel

Yellow isn't usually my color for pumps, but these yellow pumps from Vivier caught my eye. I like this square toe a lot better than some of the other options I'm seeing out there, and the little details like the buckle and the curved, low heel add a lot of interest.

NET-A-PORTER and Nordstrom both have the shoes in yellow for $890. There are actually a TON of color options for this shoe (and flats with the same look); you can find the whole spread at Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, NET-A-PORTER, and Saks.

Sales of note for 12.5

116 Comments

  1. Were you the golden child in your family? How has that impacted your adult relationships with your non-golden family members?

    1. Yes, in my immediate household as well as my larger cousin circle. I am very intentional to defuse the dynamic and not take advantage of it, wait until the end of the line, volunteer to do the tedious work at gatherings, encourage others to go first, not be bossy, etc. My family is more functional than many out there and I think it actually helps that they name and acknowledge that I am the golden child without ever contrasting anyone else against me.

      I am not terribly close with my siblings or cousins, but we get along well and have fun when we do get together without any tension.

    2. I was and still am the golden child. I’m 45 years old and have a great friendship with my parents. I think I was the favorite child because I was an easy child and I have always had a optimistic, happy, easy-going personality, and my only sibling was quite the opposite until they reached the teen years. Yes, my sibling was the exception to the rule. Childhood was really tough and after about age twelve, they started getting along better with others.
      However, my only sibling has been estranged from both my parents and me for a decade. Our family of four was very close knit and voluntarily spent time together up until the estrangement, which coincided with the arrival of Sibling’s children and, I suspect, some PPD and over-pushiness/over-eagerness by my mother on the grandparent thing. Sibling never had conflict resolution skills and had a history of cutting people off, so I think that’s what happened because it was easier than trying to manage and come to a resolution with my mother. But I could be wrong. Sibling may have finally gotten mad that they weren’t the favorite child.

          1. Sibling is definitely not estranged to protect her children, absolutely could not possibly be the reason.

        3. Seriously. If I ever cut off my parents/brother I can guarantee that I would be the ‘crazy’ one who is ‘punishing’ my parents for their ‘minor oversteps’ which weren’t ‘such a big deal’ and they just don’t understand why I am like this.

        4. There are absolutely easy babies and hard babies and hard babies are not the favorite. And ME acknowledge grandma was pushy.

      2. You are wrong. Sibling was willing to tolerate your contempt and being a distant and obvious second in your parents’ eyes, but when they became a parent, realized they were not willing to subject their innocent children to this dysfunctional family.

        1. 100%. Also, if you, as an adult, do not see that it is harmful for parents to treat their children unequally and to admit to having a favorite you are absolutely part of the problem.

      3. So much to unpack.

        Let me clue you in: parents don’t respect the boundaries of their black sheep adult children. Oh isn’t it so cute how little Boopie set boundaries with her baby? Mommy knows best and is going to steamroll her way in!

        What you see as your sister refusing to use conflict resolution skills, many other people see as your parents being determined to create conflict if your sister refuses to capitulate.

        Your sister wasn’t obligated to “come to a resolution” with your mother. Your mother is obligated to respect your sister’s boundaries, and if she continues to violate them, distance is the correct course of action.

        Have you married and if so, what is your spouse’s take on this mess?

    3. I could have been, as I went to an Ivy and my brother dropped out of high school, but my parents treated us basically the same. We share an aversion to people pleasing and doing what other people think we’re supposed to do, which is probably a prerequisite for being a golden child, and that meant that we always got along reasonably well despite our differences. He got a GED and eventually went to college, got a graduate degree, and is professionally successful, so we ended up in more or less the same place, though we took different routes to get there.

    4. In my family, there are a lot of pretty women. I am not one of them (but universally hailed as the smartest, which I don’t think is even accurate, but more of a consolation prize and meant sort of as “most Lillith Crane” vs who is actually smartest). It may look like a compliment, but I feel it as an incredibly left-handed one.

    5. Oh yes. I was definitely the best student between me and my sister – but…she was the skinny one…so…in the words of my dad….everybody’s got their thing. We get along great.

      But I’m definitely the golden child amongst my cousins on my dad’s side. In order to be deemed so…I mostly just had to finish college without dropping out due to addiction problems. (I realize I’m incredibly fortunate to not have struggled with addiction to drugs and alcohol – my addiction to food remains an issue, however.) I also graduated law school and have had a successful career. Despite the fact that all of this has taken hard work, I am largely considered a spoiled brat who has had everything given to her amongst most of my aunts/uncles/cousins on that side. Most of them across the country, though…so this relationship tension (while very annoying and sad for my dad) doesn’t affect my life very much.

      1. I finished law school and it was sort of regarded as the natural end point of someone who was smart, not pretty, and not likely to attract a husband. Sort of like an odd hobby. I know that tragic first and second marriages are absolutely feted. None of my cousins ever owned anything but matching sets of towels and actual silverware. I got by with one new towel a year back when I used benzoyl peroxide on my acne but still wanted colors in my bathroom. I don’t hold it against my cousins though. Law school was like its own bad starter marriage.

      2. I’m an only child, but same re: cousins. I love my cousins but they are all a bit dysfunctional in their own ways, and I’m the only one who finished college “on time”, although one of my younger cousins recently went back and completed his degree in his late 20s. I was always a good student and I think there was a lot of “look at Emma! Be more like Emma!” from my extended family which soured my relationship with my cousins a bit, and I really wish it hadn’t because we were very close as kids.

    6. (I was not the golden child – everyone adored my brother because he was male (esPECIALLY the grandparents), and he was very very into school and sports and excelling in general, whereas I kind of picked my areas of interest and DNGAF about a lot of the rest.

      I definitely still hold resentment towards my family and my brother that they treated me like the F-up, despite going to T14 for college and law school, and being successful in my field now. I’m still treated as the easily-distracted-by-shiny things family member.

      (Currently my golden child brother is going on his 12th year of unemployment and is a total hypochondriac, but that’s another story for another day.))

      1. Family screwup here…. many of my achievements have been motivated by eff-you to all who said I couldn’t.

    7. I’m an only child so no comment on the sibling dynamics. But I was the black sheep of my paternal cousins for a variety of reasons, but mainly that their mom was the golden child over my dad and so they were heavily favored over me. I had no relationship with my grandmother for the last 10 years of her life due to how badly she treated me, culminating in horrendous behavior at my wedding that numerous people who’d never met her commented on. I also have no relationship with my paternal cousins, but that has more to do with the estrangement between our parents than issues between us. Parental favoritism was also a big factor in my dad and aunt’s estrangement though. And I recently learned that my grandmother was also estranged from HER brother. It’s a messed up family, and I’m so grateful to my dad for breaking the cycle. He wasn’t a perfect parent but he was a billion times better than his mother.

    8. Just a note that the golden child is not necessarily the “best” one. It’s the favored one. I was more intelligent, more talented, and ultimately much more successful than my younger sister, but she was still the golden child and I was the scapegoat. She was chosen because my awful father saw his younger self in her, whereas I was a threat because I was different and independent.

      1. That’s my family. It stopped hurting when I understood that my father just likes women who are bullies, lazy, and arrogant.

    9. I was the golden child because my older sister had mediocre grades, trouble remembering to submit homework and an explosive temper. My parents couldn’t understand her, but now we know she had ADHD. She definitely resented me and we didn’t get along growing up. Now we have a good relationship, talk frequently and vacation together. I believe I was also the golden child among my cousins, partly because I was one of the oldest, well-behaved and a prodigy in certain things. I think my cousins still look up to me but most of them are objectively more successful than me.

    10. I was. It means I am the one most responsible for elder care, despite being younger. But there is also an undertone of envy/disdain with both my mother and sister who were less conventionally “successful” as kids and on the rare occasions we are all together they will gang up and disparage me.

    11. I think I was the golden child, yes. My siblings resent the heck out of me and it makes me very sad.

      I was discarded as the golden child once I could provide no further value to my parents (was no longer a high enough earner to keep upgrading their material lives). It was horrible to realize, as an adult, that I was only ever a checkbook and source of supply for my parents. The new golden child seems to enjoy my fall from grace. The never-golden child is more sympathetic, but our relationship is still strained. None of us are capable of securing partners. I do feel like our parents hollowed us out until there was nothing left to create our own lives.

      It is hard for me to spend time with healthy families. I wish I had just a little bit of that. I think my life will improve immeasurably once both my parents are gone. I suspect the same is true for my siblings and hope that eventually we can become closer.

    12. Interestingly, my grandparents strongly favor my cousin who’s the least stereotypically successful. They went to an okay state school, make the least money in a non-prestigious field, their job is simple, and they’ve by far had the fewest interesting life experiences. But grandparents like to brag to their friends that X grandchild is getting married. They can easily explain this grandchild’s job at book club. So they gush over this cousin and act somewhat ambivalent toward the rest of our accomplishments. It doesn’t bother me because I’d rather have my life than this cousin’s, but it definitely irritates some other family members.

    13. Yes, I was. Also the youngest. It was probably pretty annoying to them when I was 18-27ish and completing college, internships, and law school. I’d like to think that it became less of an issue as we got older, I grew up, and I have been their to provide free legal advice and pro bono nasty grams on their behalf. We get along well (in my perspective). The more difficult adult relationship is my two sisters with each other. They’re both older than I, much closer in age, went to the same high school as each other, and continue to see way too much of people from high school (imho). (Yeah, small town.)

      Also, I’m pretty sure that my oldest sister has become much more “golden” as she lives half a mile away, sees my parents every day, and helps them with their daily needs now that they’re in their 80s and their health is failing. Same for my older sister who takes the lead on communicating with my mom’s doctors, asking the right questions of the doctors, and ensuring that they are all aware of what each other are doing.

      Me? A lot of the shine has probably worn off. I live on the other side of the country and am rarely able to travel back to help and provide sought after time with my kids (their youngest grandkids). At times I curse the distance, but I chose it. And if the distance has dimmed my shine, well, I chose that as well.

  2. In today’s theme of family issues, help me with what type of therapist I am looking for. I essentially need someone who can help with navigating difficult conversations with my sibling and parents about handling my parents getting older and their impending financial disaster. Basically, the same job as when I, as a lawyer, give clients the script to follow for difficult conversations. Is this a thing? What am I looking for?

      1. My therapist has helped me with this before! She doesn’t tell me what to say, but we’ve had conversations where she helps me come up with what to say.

    2. A marriage/family therapist with experience with coaching for difficult conversations

    3. I think this is a pretty normal therapist thing to walk you through, but I imagine a lot of them would focus on letting go of the idea that you can dictate what grown adults do.

      1. this. a therapist will absolutely help you plan for difficult conversations but there is no magic way to get people to do what you want.

    4. A therapist can also help you think through and crystalize and practice saying what YOU decide to do and where your boundaries are, and separate that out from the things outside of your control, like financial decisions you wish your parents would make.

  3. Are there any good internet reads re what the end stages of cancer looks like (this is pancreatic, if it matters). Mom was OK but has spiraled down in the past 2 weeks, going from fully mobile and lucid to not being able to walk and sleeping much of the day (hydration and nutrition are now going in via the chemo port). All tests reveal no smoking gun. I think no one is yet saying: it’s stage 4 cancer in an older adult after a year since diagnosis and treatment, and this is what the beginning of the end looks like.

    She’s in the hospital, originally with the goal of discharge to rehab but that now doesn’t seem realistic and the hospital is holding her for now. I guess they can discharge her to a nursing home. My father won’t be able to take care of her on his own and IDK that he has the time or ability to restructure their 2-story house so that she could ever come home. He can’t really lift her if she were to fall and it takes 2 people to manage hygiene.

    1. You need to speak with palliative care, hospice, and a social worker in the hospital.

      1. +1. I hate to say it but this sounds similar to the last two weeks of my MIL’s life (lung cancer). I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

        1. Unless there is a new med she’s on that could be contributing, I have to agree from my own experience (liver).

      2. +1. I’m sorry to say this, but she sounds like she is at the end of her life. I would pursue comfort for her and helping her die. My mom died from cancer about a year ago after being in hospice for about 12 weeks. For the first 10 of those weeks, she seemed to be doing remarkably well and we wondered whether she would live for many more months. And then she spiraled down very quickly in the ways you’re describing.
        We were able to care for her at home with hospice. I learned many things from the experience. One of them was that dying is a lot of work. My mom was never in pain that she expressed, and she was lucid until about 12 hours before she died, but you could see in her body and face that her body was working on dying. I don’t know how else to explain it.
        The best advice I can give you right now is to help her die. Provide whatever it is that she needs, including as much pain medication as she wants. If she needs cream on her dry skin, put it on. If she can still get to a portable toilet and wants to use it, help her. You will not regret the care you give. Also, tell her that it is okay for her to die. I knew this from other relatives dying and hospice told us this is important also. My mom thanked me for telling her this and also said she knew my dad just didn’t have the strength to do the same. When my mom was dying, I read about the four phrases a dying person needs to hear: I forgive you, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you. Even if some of those are not true, say them anyway. You can work through them after she is gone. But she needs peace to go.
        If you’re close to your mom, I’m so sorry you’re at this life stage. And I hate having to write these things to you. But I also know you’ll live the rest of your life without regret about how you managed the end of her life.

        1. Thanks — we keep telling her my sister is coming. She has to fly in from overseas and it will take her a few days if she makes all of her connections. Maybe she will hold on until she sees her again.

          1. I won’t be surprised if she does hold on. Even at this stage, she is still a mom who wants to know her child is okay.

          2. Even at the stage you describe, death could take anywhere from a matter of days to several weeks. I’m so sorry.

          3. I was able to make it to my grandpa’s beside a few days before he passed. The whole family was coming, his son had some travel delays. The hospice nurse told us that it was likely that even if my grandpa couldn’t speak or really react, he could still hear. We told him that his son was coming and truly believe that he waited. Son showed up late in the evening, spoke to him and played music, and then around 3 am on the advice of the hospice nurse we told him that if he’s ready to go, we were ready to accept that– don’t stay on our account, basically. He passed away peacefully about 2 hours after that.

      3. Thanks — we talked to a social worker twice and PT twice, but now things seem to have taken a turn. I did run to Staples to make more living will and durable POA copies (DAD: you need to remember where things are! now things are color-coded and in his go-bag and I have spares).

        Also got to teach an 84YO man how to text. Previously that was mom’s job.

        1. Oh man, I know this is awful for all of you, but his wife is dying, I don’t think learning to text is a priority right now.

          2. He wanted to know how to use the phone — he has one bar of service, so he can’t call out and people don’t want to call the land line in the room in case it wakes her when she is sleeping. I can track him to make sure he hasn’t fallen asleep at the wheel driving back and forth.

      4. Yes to palliative care and hospice. My mom died of cancer. Once we got hospice involved, it turned out her mix of pain meds wasn’t quite right, and the new mix made her much more lucid. It didn’t prolong her life I don’t think but it certainly improved her last weeks. I don’t have any resources but hospice gave us a lot of info about what dying looks like, the stages, etc. I had no idea before what to expect, which I honestly think is a cultural failing and I hope we can all talk more openly about it.

        If you don’t live nearby, can you travel there? You may need to hire additional help if she is doing hospice at home, not at an in house facility. Home hospice is not 24/7 care.

        That experience was wrenching for me and I’m so sorry you are going through this. It was the worst experience of my life and changed me forever – honestly in a good way, more perspective, etc. You will get through this.

    2. I am so sorry and sending you so much love. Can you ask the doctor about what he’d recommend in terms of hospice care, if that’s the stage she’s at? Hospice care at a live-in facility was perfect for my grandmother, and they provided around-the-clock care and guidance.

    3. I’m so sorry. When Breath Becomes Air is worth a read.

      But more than aught else, finding the hospice intake nurse and talking to them for an hour is probably going to be most useful- they can help with decisions about in home hospice vs. in a facility.
      Things to consider: what level of medical intervention you would want, whether a feeding tube is appropriate
      making sure that appropriate pain management is online.

      1. Agree on Breath Becomes Air. How We Die and Being Mortal are also classics (you can probably find other writing by the authors online). But I don’t think you really need a book right now as much as you need good hospice or other care. My sympathies to you and your family.

    4. As of two weeks ago I’ve lost both my parents to cancer within the past year, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. This does sound like end stages of life, I think this is a good time to assess your options for hospice care. If you can get her into a hospice facility, that’s truly the best case scenario but if your area doesn’t have any available beds (where my parents live, there were only three hospice beds, so it’s very first-come-first-served), there should be a hospice agency available to you. They should be able to provide resources and support for her to be cared for at home (in-home nurse visits, pain relief, etc.).

      Sleeping, not eating, and not drinking are all signs that point to end of life and as hard as it is, the most compassionate thing you can do now is help her with this transition. It’s hard but this is the time to tell her that it’s ok, that you’re ok, that everything will be ok. Make sure you tell her you love her. Give her the things she needs to have peace, it’s amazing how much that can mean in terms of them being able to relax and let go. For my mom, it was a lot of time just sitting together, but I thanked her for everything she did and every opportunity she gave me. For my dad, he desperately wanted to be able to walk me down the aisle at my January ’25 wedding, which was never going to be possible, so we put together a wedding, dress and all, at the hospital in 18 hours.

      This time is heartbreaking and painful, but also beautiful in a weird way. Take care of yourself too, let people be there for you.

      Sending you love.

      1. So sorry for your loss. Not the OP but I appreciate your taking the time to write. May their memories be a blessing.

    5. If you post where you’re located, someone may be able to recommend a hospice provider. We got a referral and were very pleased with the company. In addition to in-home hospices, there are hospice centers. It sounds like a hospice center may be the better option for your mom.
      I hate to sound cynicle, but some doctors make their money on doing procedures and will keep doing procedures even when the patient really just needs to be allowed to die. If that’s the stage your mom is in, please be her advocate and tell these people no. Unless their procedures can make her more comfortable, don’t let them do them. Tests that provide additional information but don’t impact treatment also should not be done. Your job is to protect her.

    6. I’m a palliative care doctor who posts here occasionally. You’ve gotten some good advice above already. Caringinfo dot org is a great site for immediate questions, and it has a search engine to find hospice agencies by county. If you have a choice of agencies, lean towards a nonprofit if possible. There’s some research that they provide higher quality care.

      I’ll keep an eye out tomorrow if you want to post again. Wishing you and your family strength, patience, and love.

  4. OP from the thread with the violent brother-in-law here. Thank you all so, so much for the answers so far – it has been so helpful and validating. My fiancé struggled immensely with setting boundaries, especially with his own family, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to support him in doing so here. One last question I have for you all. The brother is getting married in another country in December, and my parents and I were going to fly out to attend. I have a feeling that my fiancé will likely get guilted into attending even though he is saying he will now cut off all contact with his brother. Is it okay if I tell my parents that I don’t think it would make sense for them to go? It feels disingenuous knowing that my fiancé and his brother hopefully won’t be on speaking terms, and that I will be dreading going to the wedding if I do.

    1. You’re not getting it. Setting boundaries in this case means no contact. Get your fiance home now. There are so many red flags with every update.

      1. OP here. I fully get that – if it were up to me, he’d be on a flight back now. But I can’t control what he does and all I can do is be there for him through whatever path he chooses… if it were you, would you urge the fiancé to not go to the wedding and to not go yourself as well? This would be my ideal, but I imagine his family will be upset and I worry he will yield.

        1. 100%!!! He clearly has significant boundary issues but this guy tried to kill him. It is NOT NORMAL to go dance at his wedding.

        2. Oh my god OP. His brother is violent and has tried to hurt your fiance and at least one other woman that you know of. Of course he shouldn’t go to the wedding. You shouldn’t go to the wedding. Why would you even want to??

        3. Yes, you definitely tell your parents not to go and also tell him he shouldn’t go and it’s okay if he doesn’t. You can’t control another adult’s behavior, but I do think it’s appropriate to help him set boundaries.

          There’s no world in which I’d encourage my parents to go to the wedding of someone who tried to kill my finance. Whether he goes or not, they certainly don’t have to.

          But! For now you are borrowing trouble. I have a tendency to want to plan everything too. Don’t talk to him about the wedding until he is home and safe. He doesn’t need more decisions like that at this moment.

      2. Okay, how exactly do you do this with a competent adult human being in a different country who doesn’t agree? This isn’t realistic or helpful advice.

        OP, you have so much time to deal with future plans, I wouldn’t start worrying about them yet.

        2. OP calls and tells him that she has purchased a flight home in his name that leave in an hour or two or whatever. He can either get in a taxi and go to the airport or not.

          But agree with the comments that this seems fake. OP and her fiance seem shockingly unconcerned about the possibility that vindictive brother files a police complaint alleging fiance attacked him and fiance ends up in a foreign jail.

          He needs to get on a plane without telling anyone asap if this is real.

          1. Right – it doesn’t seem real to be pondering in-law wedding attendance while fiancé is literally in danger right now.

          2. I have no idea if this is real, but I do understand an anxiety thought spiral into the future. Especially when she’s worried about getting him home safely.

        1. YMMV, but if my fiance struggled THIS hard with taking steps to protect himself or stand up to his parents, we wouldn’t be getting married. Those kinds of issues can be extremely detrimental to a romantic relationship. His brother’s violence isn’t his fault but his reaction is his responsibility.

          1. This. If he’s not going to protect himself, how is he going to protect you or your future children?

          2. I agree. This family does not have good boundaries. And you’re not going to be able to enforce yours later in life if your husband doesn’t choose you and your family first, and panders to his.

    2. Of course your parents shouldn’t go to the wedding!!!! I think you all need some therapy and help setting boundaries.

        1. Agree. I’ve never heard of the parents of a SIL attending a destination wedding.

          1. They might not be white. It’s pretty common in some Asian cultures to invite this kind of connection to a wedding. She didn’t say “destination wedding” she just said he’s getting married in another country, and he might have family there.

          2. In some cultures it’s common. That plus the very long vacation made me think some part of this family lives outside the US (tongue in check comment on the amount of PTO usually available in the US).

          3. Yeah I thought they might be Indian based on what OP has said about the family dynamics, the vacation and the brother’s wedding. It would be totally normal at an Indian wedding to invite a future SIL’s parents.

    3. One step at a time. You’re not going to get him to get on a plane if you’re talking about him skipping his brother’s wedding.

      I would absolutely tell your parents not to book tickets but that’s a later piece.

      Maybe the brother sees the light and gets counseling and makes major progress over the next six months. Who knows? But right now you have to deal with the here and now which means fiance coming home.

        1. Agree with this. That said, I would be thinking long and hard about whether I was willing to marry into this sh!tshow of a family.

    4. I can’t imagine thinking about the wedding in December before the immediate situation is resolved! This is a red flashing lights emergency crisis situation right now. It’s possible to accidentally kill someone when hitting their head or shoving their head under water; traumatic brain injury is not something your fiance wants to be recovering from either. What’s currently preventing a second violent assault? Is your fiance safe right now?

      In my mind, none of you are going to this wedding, but your fiance is going to have a lot to work through between now and December. (Did his brother really put a knife to that woman’s throat?) It’s not honestly clear to me that the wedding is really on if the brother continues down the path he is on; it sounds like a trainwreck if it does go ahead. If your fiance’s brother has been grooming his whole family to support him when he lashes out against people violently, your fiance may need some serious therapy to recover from the abuse and get a more realistic perspective on the family dynamic. If I were you, I would not feel safe either until this happened.

    5. I might look at it differently — I’d plan to go to the wedding but to not be involved in the wedding or talk to the brother. But the rest of the wedding is going to be a huge family affair, with people traveling to be there who you might not see very often otherwise. As you’re joining your families, I think it makes sense to continue to plan to go.

      If, as the date comes closer, you and fiance have decided to go no contact, you and your parents could still have a nice trip to the wedding location anyway… make it your own family getaway before the wedding.

      1. This is so wrong. You do not go to the wedding of someone who tried to kill your fiancé. It doesn’t matter whose families are merging.

        You do not go to the same city as said unhinged and abusive brother during a time when he knows you’ll be there and emotions are running high. He held her fiancé’s head underwater and also held a knife to someone’s throat. This is not a person to be around lightly.

        Now, if they want to change their tickets to a completely other location for that time period, go for it!

      2. (Also, how do you feel about your future SIL? She will definitely remember that you didn’t come to her wedding.)

        1. Who cares! If future SIL doesn’t understand why, then she’s not a person I’d care about impressing.

    6. You don’t go. Your parents don’t go. Cancel now. You’re missing the point.

    7. Forget your parents attending the wedding, if everything you’ve alleged is true, this wedding shouldn’t be happening at all!

      1. And I was referring to the brother’s wedding, but I’d probably be having some serious second thoughts about the entire family dynamic and whether I wanted to marry into it!

        1. Same. Assuming this story isn’t fake for a moment, I wouldn’t marry into a family where I’d get “guilted” in attending family events and where if the BIL decided to go after me, there would be a very much non-zero chance that no one would protect me because they’re afraid to rock the boat.

    8. I think you may be burying the lede here still.

      Is he safe? Is he still on the trip? Have you gotten him home yet?

    9. What the fiance needs to accept (that’s very painful and not a quick process) is there’s no magic word, conversation, or action that’s going to make an abusive person or a enabling family care and respect him. He can’t be good enough, kind enough, perfect enough, caring enough, or attend enough events. His family will likely find something to be upset about even if he does attend the wedding!

      But leaving that aside, a wedding is a celebration with the family and community of a relationship and a consecration of that in front of the community, church, and family. Does he feel right about participating in that, knowing his brother is abusive, and that he’s a victim?

      “Captain Awkward” has so terrific advice about dealing with parents or other family that pressures one to be around the abuser, or “walk around the missing stair” in an effort to “not rock the boat”.

      The family is not okay. It’s not functional. Don’t let the fiance participate in a cover up, a false front to the world that “sure, everything is just fine”!

      But also step 1 he has to survive this trip, yeesh. Just get him home like the others said.

  5. OP here. I fully get that – if it were up to me, he’d be on a flight back now. But I can’t control what he does and all I can do is be there for him through whatever path he chooses… if it were you, would you urge the fiancé to not go to the wedding and to not go yourself as well? This would be my ideal, but I imagine his family will be upset and I worry he will yield.

    1. Obviously. I don’t voluntarily socialize with would be murderers. Truly seek help it is abnormal
      You’re even considering it

    2. If it were me, I would not be urging my fiance to do anything about the wedding right now. Is there some reason plans for the wedding are urgent – booking flights or something? Discuss the wedding in a few weeks.

      It sounds like maybe you’re frustrated/scared/angry your fiance won’t get on a plane now, and so you’re trying to solve the wedding problem, since the get-on-a-plane problem isn’t solvable – resist that urge!

    3. If you think your fiancé will have trouble saying no to your brother’s wedding, what will happen when it is time to plan your wedding? That would give me pause as to whether I want to marry into a family like this. Get a prenup, just saying.

    4. Do not try to solve the wedding problem now. It is not important now, and it is not time sensitive. Trying to make fiance think about or decide now is the opposite of helpful, he needs to concentrate on the here and now and stay safe. December is not a priority. It can, and should, wait. It can harm your fiance to make him take a stand on this now.

      A thing you can do immediately – call a DV hotline and ask them for advice. Your situation is that your fiance is the victim of DV in his family, that he has been recently attacked and that he is currently stuck with the family, somewhere else. Some of the things you can ask for is help to find scripts to talk to your fiance (to validate that this is wrong, he should not be attacked, it is not okay), help to think of emergency plans, help with scripts to handle family who’s willing to look the other way and help to find a therapist with experience in DV towards men.

      The people at a DV hotline will know all the resources, all the good advice, all the ways people are manipulated and threatened and cowed to not escape their abuser, including family dynamics.

  6. What kind of makeup brush do I need to apply liquid eye shadow? Everything I have seems too fluffy, too flat, or too dense… thanks!

    1. Doesn’t liquid eye shadow always come with some sort of applicator like a lipgloss?

    3. I prefer natural vs synthetic because the natural absorbs a bit and softens it. White goat hair, like a Mac 217. The only liquids I use are Viotette_Fr and Armani. And prefer a brush over fingers.

  7. Hi, just saw your post from this morning. Any chance you are in the East Bay? I just did a make up lesson at The Glam Bar in Walnut Creek with Rachel and it was very helpful. They actually don’t sell the make up, which I liked – I knew they had zero reason to push unnecessary product, and it was easy enough to write everything down and order online after. I’m in my 40s fwiw.
    I’ve also done this at Ulta before where you can make an appointment at their salon, which I think is a little different than people working the floor at Sephora (maybe?). Also, since Ulta sells low and high brands it was a good mix of recommendations for what was worth paying up for and what wasn’t.
    Both are services you pay for as opposed to getting it free in exchange for buying product, so YMMV if that is something of interest.

  8. Oh my God. Those shoes are awful. They look like the kind of shoes the Wicked Witch riding the bicycle in the Wizard of Oz might be wearing.

    1. What do I wear to a university alumni event as a guest? I’ve never been to one before and am not sure what would be considered appropriate. His university is in a completely different area to mine so I’m unsure of how things are for them. I will be the guest of a friend of mine who is an engineer so we’d likely be around engineers. The location is quite upscale and on the waterfront. As I’m a guest I’m worried about coming in dressed inappropriately and may be running into people in my industry. Should I wear my corporate event clothes or my outside of work clothes?

      1. I’d say “church clothes”–a nice dress that’s not ultra-business but not a sundress or breezy beach brunch dress. I would do low-heel or block heel shoes + a handbag (meaning not a cross body or other functional bag like a tote) and a bit of sparkle/shine/fun in the jewelry.
        Alternately, this is a great time for a formal jumpsuit–something a bit flowy, in a pretty solid color, maybe with a bit of sparkle on the neckline (like a rhinestone clasp on the back, just a touch).

    2. Ha ha, I love them! They are funky and slightly hideous, which is what I like about them. Although I likely won’t spend $800 on “weird” shoes, the tyranny of bland, proper biz-caz neutrals sometimes needs some shaking up.

  9. What do I wear to a university alumni event as a guest? I’ve never been to one before and am not sure what would be considered appropriate. His university is in a completely different area to mine so I’m unsure of how things are for them. I will be the guest of a friend of mine who is an engineer so we’d likely be around engineers. The location is quite upscale and on the waterfront. As I’m a guest I’m worried about coming in dressed inappropriately and may be running into people in my industry. Should I wear my corporate event clothes or my outside of work clothes?

    1. If it’s a weekday evening, I’d wear clothes as though coming from the office, maybe a bit more personality than usual. If a weekend, weekend clothes are fine! I frequently staff these types of events for a University, and folks truly wear whatever most of the time, unless they’re being honored in some way. If they dress casually (SAH or casual workplace), they usual do “smart casual.”

    1. I don’t. Every tailor I’ve ever used has been an independent businessperson.

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