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Updated: Jul 14, 2021 212 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Belted Wrap Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

As we’re coming into the fall, we’re entering law firm headshot season, so it’s time for my annual PSA about the importance of wearing color to liven things up.

A big mistake that lots of new grads make is to go for neutrals in their first headshot, thinking that white shirt + black blazer = professional. Of course there’s nothing inherently unprofessional about a white top/black blazer combo, but gosh, it’s boring, and it’s probably not doing your complexion any favors.

These days, my go-to for a professional photo is always going to be a sheath dress in a flattering color with a perfectly-fitting blazer on top. It looks super professional, and in the right hue, it’s going to be just as flattering as getting professional makeup done.

For my coloring, this deep coral makes me look bright-eyed and well-rested, despite all evidence to the contrary. I would pair this with a black blazer and some simple gold jewelry for a perfect headshot.

The dress is $139 at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes 00–18.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Increasingly, I come across job postings that require the applicant to submit responses to 1-5 open-ended questions. The questions are typically something like, “Describe your experience with X responsibility” or “Tell us about a time when you accomplished Y”.

    Assuming no word limit or suggested length, what word count should I aim for in response to these types of questions? My initial thought is that ~150 words seems about right, but am interested to hear what others think.

    • Anon

      I’ve had some of these too, and I haven’t ever worried about the word count, I just focus on giving a complete and thoughtful answer to the question, since presumably they’re really interested in the answer or they wouldn’t have asked. But, I just went back and checked some of the ones I’ve done, and most of mine are 375-500 words.

    • Other

      I aim for 4-5 sentences – I don’t think they want excruciating details. I’m applying for a lot of nonprofit jobs, and those will be “How will you contribute to the betterment of ___ (the planet, equity, etc.).” Those I keep really brief.

      Other question, are you seeing a lot of assessments? I will submit an application and then get an email “Company would like you to take an assessment.” The one I got yesterday is 40 minutes but I have done the predictive one several times – the one where you check off the adjectives that apply to you and those expected of you.

      The job search is getting old!

      • Anon

        Anon @ 9:12 here. It’s getting so old! Sent out another one this morning. Also applying to a lot of non-profits. I haven’t seen any assessments yet. At this point, I would welcome it, because then at least I’d feel like I was making some progress.

    • Ellen

      The manageing partner asked me to create some of these questions for 2 new associate’s I am supposted to hire for the firm. I think it is kind of silly–I prefer to ask about their expereinces in law school and what they have done since law school if they have expereince. I found that asking open ended questions in advance gives people the chance to have other people write things up for them. Instead, I prefer spontaneous interaction where I ask questions and they ask questions and we see if we click.

      Of course, they must have passed the bar–a requirement we implemented when an old associate, who was a son of a cleint, never passed the bar and kind of skated through b/c of his connections, and almost impreginated our paralegal in the office, which would have given her a direct WC claim against us! I flagged this for future reference, and the manageing partner, giving me Kudo’s, asked me to write an article on this for the bar association newsletter.

      I’ve been out in the Hamtons where my computer dropped, and it’s now replaced. The IT guy couldn’t fix it so I got a new Apple machine, which I have to learn to use. It is shiny but really not much faster if at all. The IT guy could not copy any of my hyperlinked URL’s over so I have to start over with new one’s. FOOEY!

      • Anonymous

        Before writing any articles for your law firm, I would suggest taking an English grammar course.

        managing
        associates (plural not possessive: no apostrophe)
        Impregnated
        experiences
        open-ended (use hyphen)
        kudos (should not be capitalized)
        phooey (the “f” sound is spelled with “ph”)
        …new ones (plural not possessive: no apostrophe)

    • HR

      It’s annoying but usually the audience is the recruiter and they’re trying to take the work of the recruiter or the initial manager by not having them interpret your resume to see if you have certain experience or spend 15 minutes scheduling you and 30 minutes talking if it’s not a match. I think it’s good to be brief – for experience, something like a summary line and then maybe 3 bullets of specific examples. For the “tell us about a time” I would do something like following the SAR model – situation, action and result with a sentence for each.

    • anon

      When I’ve used these (as a hiring manager), I am using a rubric to evaluate them. Word count isn’t part of it, but you want to be sure you’re fully answering the question. In general I’d keep it as short as you can while still being complete and providing sufficient context.

    • Anonymous

      I really don’t like those kinds of job postings and as a candidate, would consider not applying at all. Interviewing is supposed to be a two-way street. I’ve had interviews that want me to pre-record video answers, complete 3-4 assignments, and more, and I withdrew from two as a result. My time as a candidate is also valuable and I can take my skills to other jobs that recognize that.

    • anon a mouse

      The STAR format is your friend here — situation, task, action, result. 1-2 sentences to describe the issue. 1-2 sentences describing your role and responsibilities. 1 sentence describing the action. 1 sentence describing the result. Make sure you are thorough enough to convey the issue and specifically what you did, but not so wordy that someone can’t follow. You probably will end up in the 100-150 word count range, depending on complexity.

  2. Help

    Super bu$ty (34 G) on a short frame (5ft), with extra weight on tummy (and overall overweight). Any suggested casual clothes that you know work well with this body type? I’ve a few things for work but really struggle with casual clothing. Wrap dresses were a fail. Exact links appreciated too.

    • Anon

      Can you mimic the silhouettes you use for work clothing in more casual fabrics / patterns? But in general I’d look for lower neck tops (so a v neck or a scoop neck) and bottoms that hit anywhere from an inch above the knee to mid-knee cap for short bottoms, an inch above the top of the ankle bone for pants, or things that are floor skimming.

    • Anonymous

      Are you a busty hourglass, or more top-heavy with slim hips and legs? Broad or narrow shoulders?

      Skirt lengths at or above knee is the most balanced option for your height. A-line, or some other shape that flows out a little about around your knees, to balance your bust and create more than one wide point. If you’re an hourglass, tighter at the thighs will look good, and if you have slim hips you might want to try something that’s flowing higher up as well, maybe from the hips.

      Tops that have wide necklines that show off your clavicles are always good for a G+ bust. An overall drapey (or slightly oversize) top, can be good paired with skinny jeans, or straight jeans.

      3/4 sleeves are great for G+ bust – and avoid tops ending right at full bust, they’ll really emphasize the width there. For a casual tee, try rolling the sleeves up a little if they hit at this point.

      If you are an hourglass, showing the waistline will look good (yes, even with tummy). You can have a bigger or drapey second layer (open) over a tighter under layer that defines your waist (either with contrasting belt, tucked or half tucked or some other detail).

      It might sound super weird, but a slightly boxy breton stripe top will look good. It needs to be not tight and not too long, so skimming bust, skimming tummy, hitting at high hip, or half tucked.

    • Anonymous

      I’m the same bra size but a little taller (although short waisted) and may have less stomach, but FWIW, I am wearing a lot of sleeveless tops that have a gathered neckline. I got this in 2 colors: https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=5775110220003
      It shrinks in the length noticeably, but that would probably work well for you. (I put it in the dryer on high).

      I wear them with shorts (J Crew Factory bermuda because I don’t like my aging thighs) or pencil skirts.

      I do not think wrap dresses work if you are busty unless you want to wear a cami underneath. I also look terrible in anything with a gathered, pleated, or belted waist; I find sheath and shift dresses much more flattering. I also look better in pencil skirts than a-line. I think my body is somewhat rectangular outside of the big boobs. I’m muscular (and somewhat overweight) and kind of big all over.

    • Ellen

      If you’re working still from home, try a miu miu to stay cool in the summer. No one really can see you on Zoom except for your head, as I don’t think you want to show any part of your boobies intentionally to others at work. Frank even asked me a month ago to lower the camera on my computer so that he could see mine better, but I refused. There was no rationale reason for him to ask that, and I told the manageing partner. Men can be such pigs. With all of the pictures on the Internet, you would think they would not be so gouche as to ask us to see that, but they still do, even the married ones! PTOOOEY on them!

    • KP

      Similar body type and 5’0″. I am wearing knit shorts from Talbots–not petite but regular. Stretchy waist is a must for me. I top with a petite tank top from Talbots or regular top from Loft and add a jacket (or shirt) when I go inside a store. I never tuck shirts

  3. Anon

    Does anyone use WeatherX earplugs for headaches/migraines caused by changes in barometric pressure? The worst for me is when it’s overcast and cloudy and a storm is trying to break through but hasn’t yet. I get terrible headaches. Once the storm breaks through, they clear up.

    I’m in the Northeast which has been nothing but storms lately. In a fit of desperation, I was googling and found these ear plugs made by the same people that make Ear Planes for pressure changes on planes.

    I’ve downloaded the app that’s supposed to tell me when to wear them. It seems our weather is so crappy right now, I’d have to wear them often. I don’t find them particularly comfortable and only tolerate them about an hour or so right now. Anyways, just looking for feedback, tips/tricks if anyone has had success (or not) with them!

    • anon

      Ugh, no response to this specifically but you have my commiseration. I have a ‘storm knee’ and the barometric pressure shifts have been absolutely brutal. My right knee is constantly aching. My husband thinks I’m nuts but it’s real! I’m also in the northeast and I’m over it. I’m too young for this, man…

    • Bonnie Kate

      oh that’s interesting. I’ve never heard of them, but as I sit here, waiting for a storm to start in the next few hours, with a huge headache, I am intrigued.

      Is it some kind of acupressure thing? I’ve considered getting my daiths pierced because that is supposed help some types of migraines and I think it has something to do with the acupressure points.

        • Anon

          Guessing that they work on similar principles as EarPlanes, which work for me to reduce flying discomfort (but don’t eliminate it).

  4. Advice to Mentee?

    A colleague of mine is a mentor to someone else, who has a question: should planned parental leave (of 4 – 8 weeks) influence career development opportunities? More details: We are all at a federal govt agency; occasionally staff go on short term assignments elsewhere in the agency (4 – 6 months) as developmental opportunities or temporary promotions. There’s an application process, interview, etc. Mentee is expecting twins in December; I think they would be in the middle of their new assignment at that time. Colleague does not have children and asked me for insight; I have 2 (not twins!) and have done a few of these short term assignments. I don’t know if the mentee is male or female, or whether there are childbirth/physical considerations.

    What would you advise? Apply for a temporary promotion/short-term new position, knowing there would be an 8-week gap in the middle and a potentially tough re-entry? OR – Lean out and stay where you are so that you have an easier time at work while managing what will likely be a new/difficult home situation? My gut says the latter is what I would do, and the advice I would give: lean out, stay with what’s familiar and where you have built up credibility and know who does what. However, that seems antifeminist. Sometimes the right opportunity only comes around once – should having children cut you off from considering something new?

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had a singleton and twins. Twins are hard. There are limited economies of scale so it’s basically twice the work and half the sleep. It’s less likely that you can nurse both so it is extremely helpful to have a partner bottle feed one while you nurse one. They also more frequently come early and can have NICU time. DH took 3 weeks off after they were born and then worked half days for another 4 weeks. I was off for a year.

      I would say go for the opportunity but that the assignment length should be extended to accommodate the leave. Maybe suggest 4 weeks leave and 4 weeks of half days? So there is a presence in the office. DH worked afternoons only as it was easier to come in at 1pm vs. Leave at 1pm.

      This is assuming it’s the non-birthing parent. If it’s the birth mom, 8 weeks is not a lot to recover from twins. I would like a minimum of 12 unless there is a stay at home parent in the picture. Again, I don’t think they should be held back. Allow the assignment but have the total length extended to accommodate the leave.

    • Cb

      Wait, is the mentee asking for advice on this? If so, I think you can speak to those considerations, but if not, then you support whatever decision they make. Would I be functioning at work with twins after 4 weeks mat leave? No absolutely not, I had to come back to do a big professional task at 4 months and it was too soon but others might be fine, especially if they have a night nurse, family help, etc?

      • Advice to Mentee?

        Mentee is asking for advice; I’m thinking about how much to emphasize certain considerations. I think you’re right that personal circumstances might impact whether or not it is doable. I also agree with people replying below – it’s such a short assignment that parental leave in the middle would look bad. Extending the assignment seems like an option worth exploring. Thank you for the suggestion!

        • anon

          I’m less focused on ‘how it looks’ to the company (which is a legit consideration) but from the other side of the coin…. what will this person actually get out of it with that kind of disruption?

          I birthed a singleton and I was CHECKED OUT at least 30 days prior to giving birth. I had brutal sciatica to boot. The first two months post return from leave were hardly my most productive in my career, too. I don’t even remember them, quite honestly. I needed flexibility from my employer as I navigated any number of things – daycare, infant illness from daycare, lacking sleep in general etc – and I was in a job I had been in for 6+ years at that point.

          I don’t know why this person, especially if the person is the birthing individual, would want to take this amazing career opportunity on if the person won’t be able to maximize the value it experience would bring. I would strong recommend against pursuing this if the mentee is the birthing partner. If the non-birthing, I think you could make it work but even still… why would you pursue if this opportunity would come around again?

    • Anon

      If I’m reading this right, the question is whether a mentee should apply for a 4-6 month broadening assignment knowing they’ll be out for 6-8 weeks for parental leave in the middle of it.

      I would not apply because it’s rude to the people in the gaining department – to apply for a short-term assignment because it’ll look good on my resume while knowing I could only complete half of it is really inconsiderate. Borderline selfish.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed and I think it’s the type of thing people remember and will hurt you long term.

        • Anonymous

          +1 I’m in Gov and when my team seeks short term staff on assignment it’s usually because we have a reason (negotions, Drafting, consulting etc) so if our hire only worked half the assignment, it would be very memorable and not in a good way. ‘Remember when Sue left us short staffed for that negotiation’

    • anon

      This doesn’t seem feminist, it seems like a realistic assessment of the limitations of the human body to birth and care for new born twins — with the knowledge that it is going to happen. (Assuming female.) It’s not like she’s going to be shrugging off opportunities because she might get pregnant… that would be anti-feminist. Moreover, she won’t get as much out of these short term assignments as she otherwise would, it seems like a needless way to add stress to her life if the short term assignment could simply be applied for at a later date. I think it’s disrespectful (or at least, will be frustrating) to the people who have to deal with training/orienting someone who is going to leave in a few weeks and come back having missed potentially half the time they’re supposed to be working with that group. Neither side gets the maximum benefit from the temp assignment and both get a big headache.

      If this is not a once-in-a-career opportunity, it seems like a no-brainer to do it some other time.

      • Anonymous

        I feel like so many kids took a gap year this past year with holding off college or pausing in the middle of it that I am surprised that the “wait a year” philosophy hasn’t crept in elsewhere. Is there harm in waiting a year? If not, I’d look for good things to do this year (article? speaking?) and point out that next year there will be options, too.

      • Anon

        I’m of the belief that pregnancy has very real, but (usually) very time-limited effects. The problems come when we pretend that women should not let pregnancy affect their bodies or psyches (I’m looking at you, 12 weeks of unpaid maternity leave), or that pregnancy is a condition that affects women for their entire lives (I’m looking at you, hiring managers who don’t hire young women and managers who mommy-track ambitious new mothers).

        The actual nine months of pregnancy and about six months after, though? Cut women slack and women, operate with the expectation that the effects are real and are going to put some pragmatic limits on your career – e.g., very short projects or trials that are impacted by your maternity leave are a bad idea.

        • anon

          I really agree with this. I don’t think it’s realistic, helpful, or feminist to ignore these effects and put the burden on women to muscle through it and “refuse to let anything hold them back.” Kind of like toxic positivity specific to pregnancy/newborn care. The question is, how do you address and respond to these limitations? By limiting opportunities (oh let’s not hire her because she’ll get pregnant) or viewing women holistically, recognizing that none of us as individuals *chose* that human reproduction works this way or chose to experience the limitations associated with pregnancy and newborn care, and accommodating these limitations where needed? The latter, obviously.

          • Anon

            I’m the Anon at 10:54 am. IMHO, it’s pretty straightforward: look at childbearing and the disruptions of maternity leave in light of the employee’s entire tenure and compared actual, real male employees. No one seems to give a damn if they hire a mediocre man, i.e. a man who is just okay at the job all the time. But if a woman kicks butt for 3 years before getting pregnant, is solid during her pregnancy, then takes 3 months of leave and is mediocre for 3 months after returning, everyone acts like it’s a crime against corporate interests. Meanwhile Bob in accounting is operating just above the level that she was at postpartum, without the excuse of having birthed an entire new human and contributed to the next generation.

            Sorry was that strident? Mediocre men are hired and promoted all the time. I don’t want to hear about a woman being mediocre for a few months after having a baby.

          • Anon

            Anon at 10:54/11:41, the issue isn’t a woman being temporarily off her game. The issue is any person applying for a short-term assignment knowing they can only complete a portion of the assignment. The reason why they can only complete part of the assignment is irrelevant.

          • anon

            Anon at 11:55- It seems obvious that she was speaking generally, and not with respect to this specific issue. Did you not read the last sentence: “e.g., very short projects or trials that are impacted by your maternity leave are a bad idea.”

    • Anon

      I would say go for it as long as the birth isn’t supposed to happen until roughly when the new assignment starts. I’m going to assume that this is the non-birthing parent taking off an initial 4-8 weeks after birth and then they will take the remaining amount of the 12 week fully paid leave after the birthing parent returns to work? If they’re going to be out again after only 3 months and it could again happen during the temporary assignment I would not apply, but if it’s after 6 when the assignment will be over NBD. If this mentee is the birthing parent I would be encouraging them to take 12 weeks off in one chunk – 4 weeks is insanely short.

    • Anon

      It seems like they could disclose the need for leave early in the application process and find a middle solution–maybe a split assignment with another person, where your mentee does half and the other person does half, maybe pushing back the start date (or moving it up), maybe extending the overall length so it still works out to 4 months overall once leave is factored, etc. And maybe it means they don’t get the position, but at least their name is still out there!

    • Bonnie Kate

      I don’t think it’s antifeminist to say that someone shouldn’t apply for a short term position where they know they’ll miss a significant portion of it. This isn’t the same as saying pregnant women shouldn’t apply for new positions while pregnant, since they will return to that position for much longer than they were gone – their intention is to fulfill their commitments upon return. It just seems wrong to knowing take a position where you know that you won’t be able to fulfill such a big part of the position.

      Also, I think the reputation hit that someone may take – unfair or not – to knowingly missing a big portion of a short term assignment would be more detrimental to a career than what may be gained from trying something new. It doesn’t appear like good planning or judgment. I’m sure there are special circumstances that may soften this, but from an outside perspective that’s my reaction.

      • Friday, please

        Agree with your first paragraph! The answer (no, don’t apply) would be the same if someone had a planned surgery that would take them out the same amount of time, during the assignment.

        • Anon

          Yes, this is a great point. The answer would be the same for any medical procedure, planned once-in-a-lifetime trip to Antarctica, whatever. Sometimes in life you just have conflicts – this is one of them.

      • Anonymous

        Totally agree. Short-term project work is all about availability for a discrete point in time. It’s no different than someone (male or female) not taking a freelance gig because you know you’ll have a period of intense travel or it would compete against another client’s project that you’re already committed to.

        I work with freelancers regularly, and they’ll share “blackout” periods with me in advance so we can work around. If you won’t have the hours to give to meet their specific needs (for whatever reason), then you’re not the right resource–that’s just the realities of project-based gigs. (The flip side is you get to set your own blackout periods in a way full-timers can’t.)

        It’s ethically kind of scummy to go in knowing you won’t be available to the extent needed.

      • anon a mouse

        I agree 100% with this. This might not be the right time for a developmental opportunity. It is far worse to take an assignment like this and not be excellent — the whole point of these is to grow your skills and your network.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree with this. Presumably there will be other opportunities in the future and I’d hang back and wait for one when I could do the whole thing.

    • Anon

      Migraine people- talk to me about ADA accommodations, particularly in professional services (I’m an attorney in mid-law). I plan to ask for flexibility with respect to WFH so that I don’t need to come into the office with a migraine. Has this worked out for other people? Any other suggestions or advice?

    • Anon

      I like the book WorkParent by Daisy Dowling. Lots of questions of ways to think through priorities and options. I think giving advice here is really fraught – but thinking through questions and getting perspectives from multiple people is good.

    • Advice to Mentee?

      Thank you everyone for the very thoughtful responses. I think the realistic assessment of pregnancy/new baby arrival is what I was thinking, but you put it into better words. I also now have some helpful language to talk about the downsides of being unavailable for a significant period of time during a short-term assignment (for any reason). Thanks!

  5. Anonymous

    For those people in long term relationships but not married, what do you call your partner? I switch between boyfriend and partner but I feel like people are surprised when I say boyfriend and then find out we have been together 15 years, but I’m also not a huge fan of ‘partner’? I’m also not a fan of ‘other half’ personally.

      • Anonymous

        + this. My dad has a longterm girlfriend. They live together. My kids call them “Grandpa and Catherine.” I would do the same socially.

    • Anonymous

      Two of my best friends have been with their significant others for 10+ years. They both use partner. And we’re all lawyers but it’s never come up that someone mistook ‘partner’ as law firm partner. The context usually makes it clear. Is there a particular reason you don’t like partner?

      • Anonymous

        On the other hand, I often reference my business partner (we run a consulting shop) and people I do not know personally assume I mean lady-partner. FWIW I’m 42, married to a man, and have 3 kids.

      • Senior Attorney

        I think “partner” is becoming the default term for “life partner,” and if you mean “business partner” or “law partner,” it’s best to specify. I was doing that even back when I had law partners 20 years ago.

    • Anonymous

      I only ever used boyfriend at the very start of the relationship, once we were serious and living together it was always ‘partner’. No other advice as we ended up getting married after 10 years.

    • Anon

      I go back and forth between “partner” and “boyfriend”, but usually lean towards “partner”.

    • Ellen

      Stick with boyfreind. Partner to me sounds way to weird, as I have multiple partners at the law firm, and I would NEVER take any of my clothes off for any of them! Yuck!

    • Anony

      I normally just use his name, in person. Online, I usually refer to him as DH because it’s easier. I don’t think I’ve used the term ‘partner’ in the almost 10 years we’ve been together, now that I think about it. Kinda want to call him ‘Common Law Spouse’ for the irony that our state doesn’t recognize common law marriage haha

    • Anonymous

      Boyfriend or “Name”. My boyfriend is not my partner in anything, so partner doesn’t feel like a fit. My partners are the four men I work with, but I have never referenced them as “my partner” outside of a work call and not had someone (including friends who know my BF) get confused about whether I have taken up with a woman.

    • Also Anon

      I use partner. “Boyfriend” feels a little juvenile for me, or like we’re still just going on dates and occasionally sleeping over, whereas “partner” feels more mature, especially since we live together and really try to operate as a team.

    • anon

      Partner, but I also work in a company that has a heavy UK component and my UK team seem to use “partner” interchangeably for married and non-married relationships. So it’s normal in my context.

      • Senior Attorney

        More anecdata: I just got back from Iceland, where very few people appear to be married, and everybody refers to their partners as… partners.

  6. Cora

    I posted yesterday about cover letters and wanting to leave a startup after 6 months. I could also use some advice about how to deal in the mean time.

    I have anxiety, am on meds, have a therapist. However it truly doesn’t interfere with work at all usually.

    Earlier this week, my boss was particularly mean and like a bully, and a combination of things set off an anxiety attack for me. This is very rare – usually only happens with dentists office, which I have a phobia of.

    I’m finding it hard to deal with this person on a day to day basis now. The thought of meetings with her make me want to puke.

    I’m looking for a new job, but I’m not just going to quit here. I can keep my hours reasonable. I actually went on vacation recently – otherwise Id like to take a couple sick days. I do think part of my reaction is just due to the recent of the event, and will fade. I was thinking that while I was having the anxiety attack I should have taken off sick instead of working through it.

    • Anon

      Understand that your boss’ behaviour is about her, not you. Emotionally healthy people don’t behave that way.

      Work from home when you can. Spend a LOT of time job hunting; even getting an interview can take a huge load off your shoulders because you know when the end is in sight.

      I really believe that it’s best to only leave a job for another job, but do consider if there is a time when you would just want to leave. In my experience, staying in a dysfunctional environment for too long has long-term repercussions; you get used to the toxicity and bring those coping mechanisms to a normal job environment. In a normal environment, those coping mechanisms are counterproductive.

      • Ellen

        This is all good advise. In addition, when you look for a new job, it may be best to make sure a head of time that you dont want to work for another woman, as my expereince has been over the years that men are much easier to work for and men don’t get as jelous of you competing with them, particularly for other men’s attention.

    • Anonymous

      I think CBT would be helpful here – can you ask your therapist if this is something they can work though with you in CBT form? Failing that, try a CBT workbook. In general I think your instinct to avoid her is probably actually NOT helpful to you – you may need to get desensitized and realize that every time you see her is not going to involve a panic attack, or if it does, that you are actually surviving it and getting through it. But I could be totally off base about that.

      • Cora

        I mean, this is what I meant by “it’ll fade” in a couple days. I also think I’m a little bit in BEC mode because monday’s meeting was the last straw. But honestly, her behavior that led to me having a panic attack is going to happen in every meeting, to some extent, so that’s not going anywhere.

      • Curious

        +1, avoiding triggers makes them worse for me. I have to figure out a way to reframe them and cope.

    • Anon

      Are you afraid of telling her you are leaving? I’m currently looking too (and expect an offer any day now) and have a ton of anxiety about breaking the news to my boss. We are also a very small business so it will be a big deal when I leave. I will try to make it as easy on them as possible and beyond that, there’s not more I can do. I didn’t marry them and even in marriages, you can divorce if it is bad enough!

      • Cora

        I like that comparison! I’m not really scared of telling her because most people would start looking for a new job after some of the things that they did, so if she doesn’t realize that, that’s her problem. If she wants to do an exit interview that’ll be interesting though . . .

    • Anon

      Following with interest. I have near panic attacks when I have to meet with my boss in person. It started with big meetings but then just escalated. No advice, just commiseration. I hope you find something that helps. Working from home has taken care of things for me so I am dreading the return to the office.

    • anon

      First piece of advice: put (acceptable) barriers up: work with your door closed / play music on your headphones / roll your chair over to your window if you have one to read printed material / get your coffee from Starbucks instead of the break room.

      Second piece of advice: make your office as temporarily pleasant as possible. Order flowers, break out the fancy tea, make your desktop photo a picture of your pet, etc.

      And honestly? Take the sick days. This is not a place you will provide references from for future jobs, so the goal here should be surviving the next few weeks.

  7. Anonymous

    Organization question:
    Our new(ish to us) house is a standard colonial style home, but with the garage under the house. Our driveway is an “h” shape: one part goes down to the garage area, and the other direction takes you in a loop around front, where there is a walkway to the front door of the house. We have a mudroom down off the garage in the basement and we have an entryhall in the front of the house (closet, table for keys, that sort of thing).

    We generally use the garage entrance when coming and going by car, though I will park my car up front when I know I’ll be out again soon. The kids that take the bus go in/out the front door, but my kiddo that is driven to school leaves through the garage/basement. If the kids are going out to play in the neighborhood they usually go out the front door, unless they are taking bikes.

    The result of all this is that we have shoes in the mudroom AND the front entry hall. We have backpacks in two places. Coats in two places. It’s annoying, but manageable EXCEPT for my purse/keys. I can’t figure out a good spot to put my purse so that I can have it going out the front or basement door.

    If you have a setup like this [or just more generally two semi-main family entrances to the house], what have you done? How do you keep the clutter from going everywhere in between the two spaces? I’m envisioning perhaps a place for backpacks in the kitchen where the kids can bring them regardless of how they come in, but our kitchen doesn’t have a ton of room to spare.

    • Anonymous

      We have the Ikea Havsta table in the front hall. Book bags go in the bottom and a basket for keys sits on top. I also put my purse on top. The fact that the bottom shelf part is like a bin is clutch for keeping the bags corralled.

      The front hall is half way between the garage entrance and the front door. Kids have hooks for coats and a place for their shoes in both garage area and in front porch. They have to get what they need from either space depending on which door they are going out. Extra kid coats/shoes in a closet in the laundry room which is off the garage entrance. My coats/shoes and DH’s in the small front hall closet (not room for all 5 of our things)

    • Bonnie Kate

      If you know you’re leaving right away when you are parking your car in front, can you just leave your keys and purse in the car? That way you’re only bringing your purse in when you’re going through the garage and just need one landing spot. That’s what I would do…but maybe with the kids you can’t do that?

      Backpacks – I always kept my backpack in my room when I was a kid. I know mudrooms with lockers are a thing now, but I still think as a kid I would have wanted it in my room for easy access.

      • SSJD

        Not a good idea to ever leave purse and keys in the car. Recipe for having things stolen. (This is somewhat location-specific, but just seems a bad idea to me everywhere and anywhere.)

    • Anonymous

      We mostly use the garage door and I don’t allow anything to be left at the front door ever including by myself.

    • Anonymous

      If you don’t have room for the backpacks in the kitchen, you might still have a spot to keep a hook or something for your purse and keys in the kitchen? If you know that no matter what else, your keys and purse are always, always there because that’s where you put them, that’s a start? Am assuming smallest kid will take the bus soon, so maybe think front door as the landing spot long term?

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Growing up, my house had a similar setup, although our garage entrance didn’t have a mudroom and was short on storage space. My parents made us keep all of our stuff in our bedrooms. I think you need to pick one designated spot for everything to go and just be disciplined about it. There’s never going to be a magical way for all of your stuff to be convenient no matter which door you exit from. I leave out of our front door maybe a quarter of the time, and I just get my things from their designated spot near the other door.

    • Anon

      This was our setup growing up, and the front door stayed locked. No one used it. We all came and went through the garage.

    • Anonymous

      I would keep most things–coats, purses, hats, keys, shoes, etc.–in the entry closet. That way you’re not going up and down the stairs to the mudroom every time you want to go out the front door. You can grab things from the entry closet on your way down to the garage if you are using the car.

      I would keep things that always go out by car, like sports equipment, in the mudroom. I’d also keep snow gear in the mudroom just because it’s bulky and messy.

      Or you could put it all in the mudroom and just go out the side door of the garage when you are walking. Many people use a “family entrance” to the home for this reason and only use the front door for guests.

      • Anonymous

        We did this for a bit, but it’s *so* inconvenient. It’s the opposite side of the house so we basically have to walk up the driveway and across the property to get to where the bus picks the kids up. We live on 2 acres so while it isn’t miles, it also is about 5x the walk! Due to the angle of the house, you also cannot see the bus coming from over there.

        As they get older we might make them do this anyway ;)

    • Senior Attorney

      What if you just decide you’re only going to use the garage as the only entrance/exit?

      When I had an attached garage (which I miss so much, BTW), I kept my purse and keys in my car and we had a mudroom right inside the garage door where everything else lived.

    • Anon

      Could you just try to make the mess a little neater? I use both my front door for walking and garage door for driving. I have a coat rack next to the front door and a closet for the shoes. A little shoe rack would work too. Backpacks could be left neatly against a wall in the entryway.

      Where do the kids do their homework? Could the backpacks go there? Is there room for a bench by the door? Backpacks on top and shoes under? It doesn’t have to look pristine. Years ago I decided my house was going to be practical and lived in. I don’t fret about whether my purse is on a table or the closet or a hook.

    • No Problem

      We had a sort of similar situation when I was growing up. When we went out to the school bus, we went out the front door, but all other departures went through the garage. Here’s how we handled it:
      -Backpacks lived in our bedrooms and were brought downstairs first thing in the morning and left in the front hallway until it was time to leave
      -Coats were in the laundry room, which was close to the garage entrance but not to the front door. We would collect them from the laundry room when it was time to leave in the morning
      -Shoes actually didn’t have a designated place (which was a super big problem when you needed to get out to the bus and you didn’t know where you had left them the night before; I was guilty of this at least once a week), but certainly any wet shoes or boots went into the laundry room because we would peel them off as soon as we walked in. My parents really should have just laid down the law that kids shoes and sandals belonged in the laundry room
      -My mom kept her purse and keys in the kitchen. It was very near the garage entrance and not near the front door, but she never came and went via the front door, so YMMV

      In my mind, it makes sense to store everything closest to the garage (or in bedrooms for backpacks) and just move them to the front door when it’s time to go to school. It would be each kid’s responsibility to collect their stuff every day (before breakfast, after getting dressed, etc. You get to tell them what the routine will be). If you put all of that by the front door, it becomes inconvenient for all other outings and errands. This also allows the front hall closet to have room to be used for guests or adult outerwear if you have overflow. If they also come in from the bus via the front door, make sure there is a place to take off wet shoes so they don’t track crud through the house. Keep your purse and keys by the garage entrance as a matter of habit, but if you’re going to park your car in the front then they can be placed on the front hall table so that they will be near the exit when you go out again. Basically, they live near your car at all times.

  8. pugsnbourbon

    If you’re actively searching and planning to leave, take the sick time.

  9. Anonymous

    Reading comments here lately, it seems like a lot of us are struggling with “oomph” / motivation to work or feel excited about working. I just wanted to say thanks to others for sharing, I used to be excited to work every day and now it is truly a chore, I have started procrastinating, etc. Knowing I’m not the only one is comforting, somehow.

    • Panda Bear

      +1 not a lot of motivation, for many reasons, and good to know I’m not alone.

    • Anony

      Right here with you. I just finished all my pressing work for the day and it took a whole hour. Definitely not excited or motivated to figure out how to spend the rest of my work day.

    • Anon

      I hate being back in the office: I hug my toddler for literally three minutes in the morning and then leave, with my husband picking up all of the childcare.

      I feel like corporate America has corporate-America-ed again. Rather than be flexible about time during the pandemic, understand that an employee going for a run at lunch time is great for both morale and productivity (breaks like that help people kill it in the afternoon and avoid the 2 pm slump), it’s butts-in-seats regardless of where your seat is located.

      • Anonymous

        I agree with this. I think offices that let people work where they work best (and WHEN they work best) are best poised to attract and retain talent. For me, WFH is a godsend – I’m more productive, I get more sleep, I have more energy, I’m happier. For others, going into the office but maybe keeping some of the WFH flexibility, like going for that midday run, will help keep their motivation and morale high. Flexibility is key.

      • anonymous

        Yeah… we’re still flexible on WFH but the expectation that everyone bill (midsized law firm) as much as possible to “make up” for last year is glaring. I brought in just as much money in 2000 as I did in 2019 but I worked much less and was so much happier. It was amazing, and I wish that I could maintain that kind of balance… but everything just seems to be creeping back to “normal.” I feel awful about it and very much wonder how much longer I can tolerate this.

      • Anonymous

        I miss my standard 2019 9-5 where no one expected me to be available when I wasn’t physically in the office (or in court) and I didn’t have work email on my personal phone.

        I don’t need this flexibility. I need my employer the pay for the paper, the ink, the air conditioning and provide non-remote tech support. I need to not be the paralegal, the mail clerk and calendar clerk in addition to being the lawyer. I will put my butt wherever they want for that deal again. I will even wear lipstick and heels.

        • Anon

          It occurs to me that it is a different side of the same issue: the company/firm not supporting employees post-pandemic. For you, support looks like the ability to delegate tasks (that frankly NEED to be delegated because no client will accept you billing for it); for those of us whose jobs can be done from anywhere in the country, it looks like flexibility in WFH.

          For all, it looks like more focus on results and less on process (butts in seats, constant availability, etc.).

    • Anon

      I appreciate feeling like I’m not alone.

      Part of me feels like I’ve always had a ‘finish line’. Working towards the next promotion, working a time limited job where the campaign would be done, pushing to get things done during the pandemic.

      Now. I just. Every day I feel fried. Every day at work is just survival mode. My kids are awesome and part of me just wants to run away from my job screaming and hang out with them instead.

    • Anon32

      I just got my dream promotion this month. Might be my peak career role. Every day I have to manufacture interest and excitement. I’m just tired. I *think* my motivation and internal drive will come back? I’m waiting.

  10. Anonymous

    Long shot but any mountain bikers here? I’m looking for a new bike and I’m overwhelmed by choices. I’m still torn between hardtail and full suspension, for one, although my budget of less than $2500 means there is basically only one decent full suspension option. I’m 5’4, 170 lbs and an experienced mountain biker who would be riding in NorCal. Anyone know anything about the Marin Rift series? I used to ride a Specialized Rockhopper and loved it for over 15 years, but it got stolen (thanks, Berkeley). I was able to keep it so long that I got out of the loop on new offerings. Any tips on brands or where to search welcome!

    • Anon

      I am, but not in your neck of the woods. Full suspension is overkill (really just extra weight to drag around) where I live, but it’s what I have. Whenever I replace it, I’ll be replacing it with a hardtail. I am 5’6″ and every 29-er I’ve ever tried feels WAY too big – like a tiny frame being swallowed up between two giant wheels. 27.5s aren’t as bad, but I wish they still made good quality mountain bikes in the smaller 26″ wheel size.

      • Anonymous

        Oh yeah, I’m 99% sure I’m going for a 27.5. 29 sounds huge, especially at my height/size. Do you know if any brands are still making 26s?

    • AnonATL

      My husband has a canyon he is obsessed with. He got it in the outlet section of their site and it was almost half off because of a paint issue that is not noticeable at all.
      That is the extent of my biking knowledge :)

    • anon

      I haven’t tried the Rift but in general am a huge, huge fan of Marin. My hardtail is a Marin Nail Trail and it’s a fantastic bike.

      • anon

        In your price range, I’d see if REI has deals on the Ghost Lanao from prior years. When I still rode FS, I had one and liked it although it was heavy.

    • Anon

      I’m not a serious mountain biker but when I was getting into biking I went to a good bike shop that also sold used gear. They measured me and what’s really important is your proportions, not your overall height. I’m 5’7″ but have the legs of a 6′ man and very small torso. I needed a larger bike. Someone with a long torso and short legs may need a shorter bike but more room between the seat and the handle bars. Get a professional fitting and then look for something used!

    • Anon

      Me! Been biking for about 15 years. Am 5’6″ and in between 145-160 in that time period. Previously road a Gary Fisher Tarpon 26er, then Trek X-cal hardtail 29er. Just upgraded to Juliana Furtado duel susp 27.5. For your budget and area, I would go with hardtail and trick it out. Some new things that I discovered this year since by last bike purchase over 10 years ago- everything is 1 by 11 or 12 instead of 2 or 3 by (meaning only one front ring.) Dropper posts are amazing, as are hydraulic disc breaks. I would never go back to 26, I kind of miss the clearance of the 29er for logs (am on east coast), but 27.5 is really fun and responsive. I think 26 is likely dead for good except for beginner bikes. I have ridden and liked Santa Cruz/Juliana, Specialized, Intense Tracer, Yeti. Heard great things about Ibis. Scott, Giant and Trek are decent mid range brands. It’s really hard to find bikes and/or components right now, especially Santa Cruz (COVID + fire damage), so you may be stuck with what’s available- I had to upgrade to more carbon components than I would usually like because that’s what was available in my size. Pinkbike has some great used bikes usually.
      Me! Been biking for about 15 years. Am 5’6″ and in between 145-160 in that time period. Previously road a Gary Fisher Tarpon 26er, then Trek X-cal hardtail 29er. Just upgraded to Juliana Furtado duel susp 27.5. For your budget and area, I would go with hardtail and trick it out. Some new things that I discovered this year since by last bike purchase over 10 years ago- everything is 1 by 11 or 12 instead of 2 or 3 by (meaning only one front ring.) Dropper posts are amazing, as are hydraulic disc breaks. I would never go back to 26, I kind of miss the clearance of the 29er for logs (am on east coast), but 27.5 is really fun and responsive. I think 26 is likely dead for good except for beginner bikes. I have ridden and liked Santa Cruz/Juliana, Specialized, Intense Tracer, Yeti. Heard great things about Ibis. Scott, Giant and Trek are decent mid range brands. It’s really hard to find bikes and/or components right now, especially Santa Cruz (COVID + fire damage), so you may be stuck with what’s available- I had to upgrade to more carbon components than I would usually like because that’s what was available in my size. Pinkbike has some great used bikes usually.

      Just looked at the Marin Rift- a bit heavy and not much travel, but pretty decent specs- might be a bit beginner for you. I would for sure test ride before you buy. I still think you’d enjoy a lighter weight hardtail with some fancy specs.
      Just looked at the Marin Rift- a bit heavy and not much travel, but pretty decent specs- might be a bit beginner for you. I would for sure test ride before you buy. I still think you’d enjoy a lighter weight hardtail with some fancy specs.

    • brown pow

      Hi! So cool to see other mtn bikers here. I don’t think you need full suspension if you have been riding hardtail for 15 yrs. But it may be worth demo-ing if you have never ridden one before, especially if you plan to keep this bike another 10-15 years (or longer!).
      If you have not gotten a new bike in a while, it might take a while to adjust to the fit these days–they are making them burlier, which takes getting used to but can also be super fun.
      Other thoughts: I love my 27.5″ wheels. 26″ felt way too small, even for me at 5’2, and with 27.5″ I can still get on/off without trouble. I recommend mid-fat tires. Dropper seatpost = amazing.
      I don’t have advice on specific brands–I got super lucky finding my bike on Craigslist a few years ago (Santa Cruz–LOVE).

      • Anonymous

        Thank you! I’m totally interested in the dropper seatpost – I NEED that for some of the rides I do.

  11. Anon

    Extremely low stakes question. I’m converting a spare bedroom into a workout room for myself. I will mostly use it for yoga, but also some light cardio and weights. I have selected a calming but vibrant green color. Would you use eggshell finish or satin? The sample only came in satin, so that’s what is on the wall, but not sure if I should go with eggshell, and if so how much variance there will be in appearance from the sample.

    • Anonymous

      I prefer a scrubbable eggshell finish to satin in spaces where dampness isn’t an issue. The less shiny the finish, the easier it is to apply without roller marks and to hide imperfections.

    • Cat

      I normally go with eggshell for walls since we live in an old house and any hint of ‘sheen’ just highlights imperfections. However, the color may look more saturated if you go eggshell IMHO. Perhaps buy just a quart and do a test patch before committing.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Eggshell.

      I strongly recommend curtain twinkle lights across at least one wall as well.

    • Anon

      No to negligible difference in appearance of color. I use eggshell in all interior spaces except wet places (laundry, kitchen, bath).

    • Anon

      I would do flat or eggshell. Never satin on a wall except for maybe a bathroom. .

      • Senior Attorney

        Agreed. The shinier the finish, the more it will show every. little. imperfection. in the wall/paint job.

    • Anon

      Thanks, all. Looks like eggshell is the clear winner here! Appreciate the input! And I’ll have to check out twinkle lights – I hadn’t thought of that! :)

      • Anon

        It is Sherwin-Williams Community Garden, which strangely is not on their website (discontinued???) but they have the chips for it at Lowe’s and mixed it for me, so they can evidently make it. I was between that and Palisades Park by Benjamin Moore, but found the Community Garden to be a little more green, which I liked. I wanted something that was a gray-green without being too minty so that was a challenge.

  12. Anonymous

    Randomly, I needed a new outfit and found that the sale rack at AT was my friend after running out of mall store options (and being afraid of finding something perfect at St. John). Dress was +2 sizes up from my February 2020 size but miraculously fit off the rack and b/c it fit, it looks amazing on me (and I look good in it).

    OTOH, I also needed to get shoes and the department store shoe sections are the worst! If you hide shoes in the back, staff personnel on weekends to fetch the shoes! I do not want to wait 15 minutes to get shoes or wander around and stalk clearly overwhelmed staff. I found a good cheap clone of a Rothys point at DSW the next day (not my favorite way to buy shoes, but I was desperate). They may last the season, which would be fine, but I really was prepared to buy a more standard shoe and spend $ but department store shoe departments weren’t set up to actually sell shoes.

    • No Problem

      Department store shoe sections are awful and always have been. It’s such a waste of time to pick up a shoe, wait several minutes until you can get a clerk’s attention, ask if they have it in your size, wait 5 minutes for them to come back, and slip it on only to find out that it doesn’t fit or is just Wrong. Repeat ad nauseum, because the majority of shoes are Wrong on my feet. I vastly prefer shopping at DSW where I can easily see what sizes they have and slip my foot into a dozen different shoes in 10 minutes. Smaller shoe stores are slightly better, because the staff are more familiar with each individual shoe and they have smaller stock rooms. But DSW FTW.

      • Anon

        I wear a small shoe size. Generally, if a department store has my size, it is on display. I love, love, love being able to try on a handful of single shoes to let me decide whether it’s worth bothering the sales associate.

  13. Anon

    I’m a FTM and gave birth 7 weeks ago. I’ve always been kind of sensitive about certain textures. For example, as a kid I couldn’t ride in my dad’s car because the seats made me nauseous. I quit ballet because I refused to wear tights. But overall I grew into a relatively well-adjusted adult. However since my daughter was born my texture sensitivity has gotten almost unbearable. Wearing socks makes my skin crawl, I can’t stand Lululemon tights even though I lived in them during pregnancy, I can’t sleep on my bed sheets, etc.
    I asked my OB about the issue during my 6 week appointment and she just kind of shrugged and said she wasn’t aware of this being a thing. A search online seems to return results for autism and ADHD in l children, but that’s it. I think I probably I also have mild PPA, but nothing I’d see a mental health provider for otherwise. Has anyone experienced anything similar and, if so, did it eventually go away? Did you do anything to treat it? Trying to figure out next steps.

    • Anon

      I haven’t dealt with this issue specifically, but have had an issue where essentially I was feeling a phantom sensation (not pain, but an extremely unpleasant feeling). They did literally every test possible to confirm there was no physical reason for this feeling. My doctor put my on a low dose of Amitriptyline for about 2.5 years, which I coupled with therapy, meditation, and breathing exercises, and now most days I don’t feel it at all, or at worst it’s at about a 10% where before it was a 100% feeling all the time. From what I understand, your nervous system can imprint memories onto it, so you are feeling something that isn’t there, and this helped kind of reset that. Maybe something similar could work for you. Good luck!

    • Anon

      I would call your doctor. I myself have not experienced this but on the off chance it’s symptomatic of something else I’d call ASAP

    • Anon

      Anecdotally, yes, I can think of a couple of acquaintances whose sensitivity to texture was heightened for a while after giving birth. Like you, they were already fairly sensitive to certain textures before giving birth. At least one of those acquaintances has ADHD. Only you can determine if it’s better to try and ride it out or attempt interventions.

    • Anon

      This is super anecdotal, but my cousin was diagnosed with autism as an adult (at a leading medical institution, a solid diagnosis that did not surprise her), and she also has the texture sensitivity that you mention. But she has no kids, so no connection to childbearing. Not sure how helpful that information is, but I hope you find a way to get relief. Sounds rough.

    • Anon

      I don’t have this specifically, but I do have a lot of similar issues where I can’t stand clothes that are tight or itchy, tags,lace, etc. I also have chronic migraine and associated scent, sound, and light sensitivity and nonallergic rhinitis so the sensory issues seem to be pretty broad. I have no signs of autism or adhd other than the sensory issues. I take a lot of meds for migraine and the rhinitis that help with those aspects, but don’t really help with the texture stuff, which is only getting worse over time- I’m almost always itchy from clothes touching me and my dr has confirmed no medical cause. I suspect an antidepressant might be worth trying, though, especially one like amitriptyline that’s often prescribed for neurological issues.

    • Savannah

      Hi, my oldest child had a sensory processing disorder when he was young. Definitely had what you are describing. The thing that helped him more than anything else was a high dose of fish oil. (This was on the recommendation of his occupational therapist, and endorsed by his pediatrician.) Their working theory – and I do not know if there is clinical evidence to support this – was that the fish oil acted as an anti-inflammatory, which lessened the physical sensory sensitivity. The difference for him was remarkable.

        • Savannah

          This was 10 years ago, so the details are a little fuzzy, but I know that we did a minimum of 1500mg/day. He was able to swallow pills very early and I think the brand we did was Carlson’s (?). There was also another brand we got on amazon that was squeezable, and we would put it in smoothies. It was orange flavored.

      • Anon

        Sensory Processing Disorder is also what I thought of as I read your original post, down to quitting ballet because of tights! The symptoms of SPD can also be present with autism, but if the autism spectrum feels like a stretch for you, you could be a Highly Sensitive Person. When I’m anxious, whether in the moment because of a stressful meeting or a period of time, like after having my daughter, my reactions and awareness to sensations are so heightened. If I know I have a stressful meeting at work, no clothes that are remotely itchy. You may be dealing with SPD and postpartum hormone surge, or some PPA. I’ve mainly managed by better understanding SPD and how I need to recharge, but I’d absolutely talk to my OB if you are feeling anxious and be open to anxiety meds if it would help me.

      • Anon

        Anecdotal: after I had my baby in 2020, I had a whole pile of problems that are usually associated with inflammation: random hives, weight gain, itchy skin, allergies, brain fog. It eventually abated, but I had a few rounds of steroids, a few hospital visits, that stuff.

    • No Problem

      I haven’t experienced this myself or know anyone who has. It sounds really rough. It sounds like your nerves are over-firing, and that’s what you need to solve.

      Could it possibly be related to a change in your blood circulation or skin dryness? Like what would happen if you grabbed a glob of lotion and gave yourself a foot massage, and then put on socks? Would it feel any different? Same with legs, put on some lotion and rub it in really vigorously for a few minutes before putting on leggings?

      I also wouldn’t dismiss the need to see a mental health provider for PPA or PPD. It may seem mild to you but is not actually mild, and would benefit greatly from a low dose of medication that could also solve the skin sensitivity if they are related. I say this as someone who has had regular depression and anxiety, and knows several women who had PPD and PPA. Medication dramatically improved how we all felt in ways we didn’t realize was needed.

    • Anon

      I gave birth three times. Each time, I had some issues with hormones. Only once did it develop into full blown PPD where I had to get treatment, but the other times I was still somewhere between uncomfortable and miserable. Things I keep at bay in non-post-partum times were just magnified by the combination of raging hormones and lack of sleep.

      My particular issues were anxiety, fight or flight type panic attacks, and intrusive thoughts. I have some level of these day to day but totally manageable with getting enough sleep and having some level of self control. Post partum, they were just bigger and more of an issue.

      So since you have this texture issue normally, and just find it magnified right now, I would assume it’s the same thing that was happening to me. (Not to play armchair psych but maybe it’s on the spectrum of obsessive thoughts?)

      Please get some help with this. Having a new baby is a magical time and it sucks to miss so much of it because you want to crawl out of your own skin. There’s treatment from talk therapy to drugs, and if you commit to it you will find something that will have you feeling more normal fairly soon.

      Best of luck to you.

    • Anon

      For me this was an early sign of small fiber neuropathy, which for me has been fully treatable with B12 shots. I have no idea how common that is, but I know it’s more common postpartum. And I actually also have ADHD and a history of sensory processing issues, but for some reason the B12 still worked. It was hard to figure out since I was supplementing, and B12 deficiency testing isn’t considered reliable for a long time after supplementing, but finally a doctor just trialed the B12 shots and they worked.

    • Anon

      FTM???? I usually see it used as female-to-male, but that doesn’t seem to fit here.

    • Anon

      OP here. I just want to thank everyone for their very thoughtful responses! I’m definitely planning on following up with a doctor now. But more than that it’s so nice to hear others’ experiences – having what seemed like such an unusual issue felt so isolating and it was great to hear folks confirm that the postpartum time is just challenging for a host of reasons.

      • Anonymous

        My daughter is going through occupational therapy right now for these issues. Agree with all the recommendations above, but would also add a cheap and easy fix- get a Wilbarger’s therapy brush (available on many websites for just a few dollars), and brush with it 3x a day (again, you can Google the protocol online, do arms legs and backs, not face or belly or chest). It has helped my daughter immensely with her sensory issues and is frequently used by occupational therapists. And it’s just a very soothing brushing feeling and only takes a few minutes, so there’s no downside.

  14. Super Fly

    I just booked FIRST CLASS round trip to Europe, for $2,500 per person on British Airways. This is for our 10 year anniversary next year!!

    We’ve never flown first class before. I just realized we’ll get pajamas on the flight and I’m inordinately excited.

  15. Inept

    Has anyone used Illuminaire foundation? It was an impulse buy during a Dermstore sale that I recently found and I’m not sure what to do with it. I just bought the fast application pad from Amazon because it seemed too thick to apply with my fingers, but now I see they have a brush on their website. Can I just use any brush? The one time I used this I looked like a crackly cake face. Please help.

    • Anon

      I don’t know this foundation but if it looks cakey try the following
      1) start with a well moisturized face
      2) use less than you think you should. Start with a drop. I do a drop onto my hand and then use my finger to dot that onto cheek, cheek, nose, forehead, chin, then spread with a brush (I like Bobbi Brown’s full coverage face brush better than any others I’ve tried) or stipple (bouncing motion) with a dampened, squeezed out beauty sponge.
      3) if that still looks cakey, mix a drop of foundation with a drop of moisturizer on your hand and use as little as you can get away with on your face.

  16. Anon

    Has anyone bought a house without seeing it first? Or put in an offer I should say or is that nuts? We are on vacation and a house we like a lot is for sale. We did a tour via FaceTime with our agent but still hard to visualize/feel exactly

    • Bonnie Kate

      oof that’s hard, especially in this housing market, but I wouldn’t do it. DH and I have looked at a lot of houses that we thought for sure would be great and then when we got there they were ruled out quickly for some reason or another. We never had an agent do a FaceTime walk through though, so that’s different – how many houses have they looked at with you? If you’ve looked at a bunch together so they knows you pretty well and have a sense for what would be dealbreakers, that’s a safer shot then if you’re all new together.

    • Anonymous

      What’s the worst case scenario? I bought in 2015 but back then, the offer came with some kind of “good faith deposit” like, idk, $1-2k? If your gut is strong on this and you think you might lose the house, worst case scenario is you back out on the house and you are out the deposit, right?

    • Anonymous

      If you do this, make sure the due diligence period runs long enough fir you to visit the house. You can pull out then if you change your mind.

      • Senior Attorney

        This. If you have an inspection contingency you can always find some flaw that will let you pull the plug.

    • Anon

      I’ve done it. Would definitely do it as long as you had a home inspection contingency (which normally allows you to back out and get the deposit back).

    • InHouse Anon

      Yes…in the spring of 2020 and we were living across the country at the time so any house we bought or rented would have been done sight-unseen since we weren’t going to travel to house-hunt. There were some surprises (for example, interior paint was in rough shape which didn’t really show up in video or pictures) but nothing that would have made us not buy the house had we seen it in person. Understand how much money you’d lose if you have to back out, and if you can withstand that loss, go for it.

    • Anonymous

      I put in several offers without seeing houses. It worked for me because the bids were very old homes in a highly desired neighbourhood, so I had seen inside enough houses in the area and houses built by the same team (row home). So the photos + my existing knowledge made me feel comfortable.

    • Walnut

      Yes, I have. It worked out just fine, but we’re far from first time buyers as well. I also have not accepted an offer where the wife hadn’t seen the house and the couple was clearly angling to give themself an out if she didn’t like it. (Their realtor was very chatty with ours.)

    • Seafinch

      We bought our house (forever home) from Europe with just video tours. We are military and seasoned real estate participants so it was fine. I also bought a previous house once without my husband.

  17. Shelle

    A friend had a baby when things were locked down last year so I sent her a gift card to her registered store. She didn’t have a baby shower. I’m excited to meet the baby for the first time and would like to physically give her a small token gift with a bow on it that she can open. Ideas? I’m just coming up with flowers, but there must be something more practical and maybe baby-themed that’s not a full blown second gift. TIA!

    • Anon

      What about a children’s book or a cute onesie? I always really enjoyed food gifts too but not sure if that would work. I wouldn’t do flowers (too hard to keep up with).

    • Bonnie Kate

      +1 to kids book. I always give books for everything related to kids. I like to go find a new release/editors pick in the appropriate age range, find the most highly rated one that I think looks good, and give that. I figure the chances are less likely that they already have it.

    • Anon

      Books are always welcome, or even an outfit from a bougie brand they wouldn’t typically buy themselves.

    • Seventh Sister

      I always loved to give those fancy French baby chew toy giraffes. They are ridiculous and lavish and kids love them.

        • Seventh Sister

          That’s hilarious! I would have loved a spare, but three! Three is a lot.

          One of my favorite baby gifts was just a plain old Target gift card.

          • Shelle

            Agreed that is hilarious! Giving myself a high five because I mailed her a Target gift card a few months ago.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      How old is the baby now? As a Cranky Stuff Hater who’s already getting so many useless or redundant gifts from family and friends months before our baby is due, I’m guessing she already has most items squared away. I would get her a gift card to a local bookstore or coffee shop so she can take some time on her own when she gets a chance (and the bookstore gift card could work for the baby, too). And that way you won’t be getting her her third copy of Goodnight, Moon :-)

        • anon

          If she is not someone that would squee with delight over monogrammed outfits, then my go to is a multi-pack of Gerber onsies in size 6-9 months old. She probably got way too many newborn clothes, and the plain old onsies work well on the third outfit change of the day.

      • Anon

        I’m also a Cranky Stuff Hater, but also not a fan of gift cards. They take up too much bandwidth to use when life is hectic and feel a little awkward to me. I think I might be unusual, though.

        My vote would be a children’s book. Maybe something new or a less popular so it’s not yet another copy of a book they have. It’s also easy to regift a book or put it in a Little Free Library if it isn’t a hit.

    • Anon

      Is the gift for the friend or the baby?
      Friend: baby themed cupcakes with a card?
      Baby: cute romper or (if a girl) headband with a bow?

    • Anonymous

      Any book by taro gomi. Spring is here, my friends, etc. Likely she won’t already have it, and his books are so beautiful.

  18. Anon

    Recommendations for your favorite Benjamin Moore white paint? Wanting to repaint the entire downstairs of our house and looking for a not blindingly white shade. House is 1876 and otherwise have used BM paints from their Historic Collection. Living room furniture is gray/white/blue color palette. Thanks!!

  19. Anon

    Migraine people- talk to me about ADA accommodations, particularly in professional services (I’m an attorney in mid-law). I plan to ask for flexibility with respect to WFH so that I don’t need to come into the office with a migraine. Has this worked out for other people? Any other suggestions or advice?

    • Anonymous

      Do you even need to? I’d not need an accommodation to do this, would just email my secretary and the partner I work closest with and say “got a migraine, will work from home as much as I am able to today”

      • Cat

        This was my question, too. Not my area of expertise but I thought accommodation was usually the step if you need a concrete exception for something (like reduced hours, a position that normally isn’t allowed to WFH to do so, etc)… have informal conversations been problematic?

    • Anon

      Will your doctor back this up? If they document the impairment in a way that this is the most reasonable accommodation, you should be okay, but you might get more push back if they don’t want to support that and your employer decides to give you a hard time.

    • Anon

      Given that you are an attorney, one way to research what is generally considered “reasonable” under the ADA would be to search for accommodation cases related to migraines on Westlaw. That might give you some additional ideas on what to request that you might not have considered.

      If you qualify for FMLA, another option would be to request job-protected intermittent leave under that statute. Your employer may also suggest that or send you the paperwork for such a request. Just be aware that FMLA can be unpaid leave for the time you are out if you are completely incapacitated.

      • Anon

        I have intermittent FMLA leave for migraines. My neurologist was absolutely on board with filling out the ppwk and does it on an annual basis for me.

    • In-House in Houston

      Have you tried any prescription meds? I have migraines and my doctor prescribed Nurtec (it’s the one Whoopi Goldberg and one of the Kardashians advertises). It’s a pill that dissolves under your tongue and for me, works within an hour with zero side effects. Ask your doctor for samples (that’s what mine gave me) and I really liked Nurtec. You might not need to ask for an accommodation!

    • Anon

      At an old butts-in-seats job I was allowed to put up cubical shades, use a monitor glare screen, and wear sunglasses and/or a hat when necessary.

    • Anon

      If you’re going to request WFH, make sure you point out the aspects of the office that would affect you that can’t be changed (fluorescent lights, colleagues wearing scented toiletries, A/C blowing down your neck).

      • migraines

        +1

        Absolutely this.

        Do you see a headache specialist neurologist already? Have you already optimized your workplace desk/area to fix things that can be changed? Are your meds optimized? If yes to all of these, then you absolutely need to explain why your headache is so bad you can work, but only from home, and not need a personal day.

        My Mom was a big law manager with terrible lifelong migraines, so I speak with experience from her. What frustrated her with how many people had migraines (?presumed) and did not get appropriate medical care. I think that is improving, especially now that there are so many good meds.

    • Of Counsel

      When I have a migraine, I cannot work (partly due to pain and partly because I get visual field issues – aka I cannot see). In my case, I just work from home when I can and make it up later. If it was often enough that I needed a billable hour credit I would take FMLA [I have done that for another, fortunately self-limiting, condition], but mine are not that frequent. Think about whether you need anything at all or if your workplace is flexible enough that it is not necessary. If your firm requires that you be at your desk during the work day then requesting an accommodation to WFH is perfectly reasonable. Be sure you have medical documentation (in my case it would be incredibly dangerous for me to try to drive when I have a migraine).

      Also, can you can actually WFH or do you need to take a day or half day off. This could be a good basis for either WFH as an accommodation or intermittent FMLA depending on your exact issue. But give some thought to the difference between “I can work but need to be at home” vs. “I need to take a day off and will try to make up the time later.”

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