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Updated: Dec 14, 2023 289 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Bobble Chunky Sweater

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a white polka dot sweatshirt and denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love Loft’s same-day pickup option for a last-minute holiday gift or party outfit. This bobble sweater would be great for a casual Friday in the office or a cozy work-from-home day.

I’m also refusing to spend a single penny on another “holiday” sweater, and instead will be showing up to all ugly sweater parties in cute sweaters with a little pizazz. Please feel free to die on this very dumb hill with me.

The sweater is $79.95 full price at Loft, but today you can get 40% off, which brings it down to $47.97. It comes in sizes XXS–XXL.

Sales of note for 9.10.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. AIMS

    I love cute sweaters with a little pizazz and hate ugly sweater parties (are they really still a thing?). Ugly sweaters that are made to be ugly sweaters is just the dumbest. It’s just not creative or funny to get a cheap sweater intended to be a joke at Marshall’s. That’s my hill and a half, I guess.

    • Anon

      Same here. If other people like them, have at it, but I don’t want or need stuff worn once a year that I don’t like anyway.

      This sweater is exactly what I would want to wear to an ugly sweater party.

    • Cat

      I’ll join you on that hill. Ugly sweater parties were fun for a minute like 15 years ago when everyone’s mom still had unironically-manufactured oversized knit Talbot’s sweaters embroidered with trees and bears and meant to be worn over a practical turtleneck.

      Mass-produced poly Grinch faces are just… no.

      • Anon

        My mom has those and vests for each season and holiday. But she did teach kindergarten, so definitely workwear to her that was also church-appropriate, so a definite non-waste of $ for her. My kid is wearing one now because it is warm and well made (it may be 20 years old).

        • s in chicago

          My mom is a former third-grade teacher and STILL wears all of the holiday sweaters (often with a turtleneck under!) unironically. I’m 50 years old, and I swear I still remember some of these sweaters from when I was growing up and in elementary school myself. I don’t know what the manufacturing process was in the early 80s, but I swear those things are going to last forever. They’re like the Twinkies of clothes! LOL.

        • Senior Attorney

          Ha! My mom was a retired kindergarten teacher, too, and unironically wore the most over-the-top beaded and embroidered Christmas sweater ever! Now that she’s gone, I proudly wear it to any and all Ugly Sweater Parties, and also occasionally for family Christmas events.

      • Anon

        Yeah. When my kid was in school, he grabbed one of his dad’s sweaters for ugly sweater day and my husband couldn’t figure out why it was ugly. lol.

    • Cb

      So wasteful! We tried to do a Christmas jumper exchange at my son’s school, but I think we need to collect in January and keep them for December as we didn’t get any donations.

    • Anonymous

      With you. My family and I are wearing slightly over the top but still not ugly sweaters to these events. Life’s too short to dress ugly. I hate wearing costumes and not feeling like myself. I’d rather bend the dress code a bit so I’m in a fun festive mood, which I think the hosts appreciate the most.

    • Anonymous

      The ugly sweater tradition pretty much sums up the western view of clothing in general, I think. Buy something made by someone who is paid pennies an hour just to wear it once or twice and toss it aside.
      So wasteful.

      • Cb

        I caused drama on the school whatsapp when they did a Red Nose Day (raises money for charity) and kids had branded clothes. “Great, wear clothes made by children to show you support children….”

    • Anon

      My “ugly” sweater has an adorable cat on it in a Santa hat so I love it haha. I don’t care that I only wear it once a year.

    • More Sleep Would Be Nice

      I agree with this!

      Years ago, I was on maternity leave with DS #1 and watched The View daily. I became oddly obsessed with Whoopi Goldberg’s holiday sweaters, so I purchased one that has a brown-skinned Mrs. Claus and says “It takes a woman to get it done in one night!” I love wearing it around the holidays, and I think it’s the only holiday sweater I’ll ever need :)

    • Anon

      I did an ugly sweater lunch a long time ago and just stuck a bunch of Christmas themed brooches on a red sweater I already had. I bought the brooches in a vintage lot on eBay and I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit they still get regular use. Maybe not all at once anymore!

    • Anon

      Counterpoint, I’ve had a fun ugly sweater for a decade and look forward to wearing it a few times each year. It’s no more wasteful than formalwear that I wear even less frequently.

      • Anon

        I agree! I’ve had one for years and think it’s fun. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but not any more wasteful than buying a (much more expensive) party dress that you’ll wear once.

      • Anon

        Same. I have a Hanukkah ugly sweater from Target (complete with flip-up sequin menorah you can “light”) and I wear it to several events each year. I agree it’s wasteful to buy one and only wear it once, but mine has gotten a lot of use and brings me and my kids lots of joy!

    • Anonymous

      I agree with you…but I also have a pretty spectacular manufactured light up sweater dress and I wear it at least annually.

    • No Face

      This reminded me that I forgot to pull out my grandmas old Christmas sweaters!

    • Anon

      I hit up the local Goodwill in my small college town and found some incredible gems that were hand-embroidered/sewn that I’ve had for the past 10+ years. I do hate the mass-produced store-bought ugly sweater trend though.

    • Anonymous

      I’m with you, I hate buying an item I’ll use once a year, and I especially hate annual ugly sweater parties with the same group of people so you feel pressured to have a different sweater each year.

  2. Decaf Tea Recommendations?

    I’m a tea drinker. I’ve cut back to one cup a day because I find I sleep much better than when I was drinking 2-3 cups a day. Does anyone have any recommendations for a good decaf black tea? I’m currently drinking Tetley, which is OK, but not great. My current go-to for black tea is PG Tips. TIA!

    • Anon

      I’m basic but I just drink decaf Twining’s English breakfast and it tastes pretty much the same as the regular version to me.

    • AIMS

      I really like the twinnings decaf Irish breakfast and the Stash decaf earl grey. I think something from one of those two would be okay.

    • Anon

      I’m currently drinking a cup of Bigelow decaf Earl Grey. It’s ok. I get that tea moment experience.

      Would I prefer a Tetley full caf Earl Grey? Yes. Would I prefer loose leaf Earl Grey from my local tea shop? For sure. But I do need to cut down on caffeine and this doesn’t make me feel too terribly deprived.

    • Cb

      Pukka does a decaf earl grey that’s very nice.
      But treat yourself, and get the Mariage Freres/Palais de The decaf, so good….

    • PolyD

      Harney & Sons has some good loose leaf black teas that are decaffeinated. Taste just like regular teas.

      When I make tea in the afternoon, I use half decafe and half regular tea.

      • Anon

        Harney and Sons Paris is the greatest-tasting tea I have ever consumed. I haven’t tried the decaf version, but it`s definitely worth a look.

    • Josie P

      PG Tips is the best decaf I’ve found. You can use 2 tea bags for a fuller flavor, or just steep it for longer. I’ve tried the Taylor/Yorkshire one, Barry’s, etc., and PG Tips is the best.

    • Anon

      Yes–Twinings Earl Grey decaf and also their Irish breakfast decaf taste very close to the real deal, and I feel much more hydrated when I drink those too!

    • ALT

      Pretty sure PG Tips has a decaf version! Check World Market…I believe I’ve seen it there.

    • Runcible Spoon

      Republic of Tea has some nice flavored black tea decaf versions. I’ve been drinking Ginger Peach with a spoonful of honey while nursing the longes cold in history.

  3. Kate

    My New Year’s resolution is to go paperless at work – seriously. I’m early 30s, I take about half my notes by hand on legal pads, which turns into boxes of notes waiting to get scanned in and shredded when the office assistant has time. I have industry magazines that I think I’ll flip through but don’t (I also get them online and never read them either). I get loads of mailers that advertise things I think “maybe I want.” I need to clear the current stacks out but also really need to figure out how to stop it from coming in or get it out faster. I do proofread better on hard copies so I’m not sure I’ll ever go 100% paperfree, but I could do a lot better with it all. Any tips?

    • Anon

      Touch each paper one. Address anything that needs to be addressed, then recycle or file (scan).

    • PolyD

      It doesn’t work for all note taking situations but I find OneNote to be a useful way to keep track of things.

      I agree with you about reviewing hard copies – could you print on both sides to save paper?

      As for the mailers, if you get one that looks intriguing, immediately go online find it, and save the link in the Notes app or someplace. I have a Note called Things I Might Want where I save these.

    • Cat

      -Ask your assistant to help you convert industry subscriptions to digital only. If not possible, can they filter your mail so they immediately recycle things you already get digitally?
      -As part of just not feeling buried by that stuff, even though they’re digital, be ruthless in setting up Outlook rules or unsubscribing. I made a “Listserv” folder in my Outlook and, after unsubscribing to what I don’t want at all, established rules for all the firm alerts, industry publications, networking group email blasts, CLE advertisements, etc. so they go straight there and skip my inbox. Every few days I check the folder and skim the subject lines to see what might be useful, and mass-delete the rest.

      If the physical act of writing helps you think (raises hand) you might consider a Remarkable tablet since it feels way more like pen and paper, though as Cb notes it might not work with your work security, etc.

      • Flats Only

        If you have an ambitious assistant who has time, ask them to scan the publications and send you links to any articles that might be good for you to see.

    • Anon

      If you are keeping everything electronically, you need a crack filing/organizing system and file naming protocol and you need to use them religiously.

        • Cat

          Like for storing notes – always go date – subject – specifics so you can easily find stuff in order.
          Ex. 2023-12-15 – Deal Name – Notes from Internal Meeting with Client

          Then if a document came in that same day
          2023-12-15 – Deal Name – SPA – Target Edits

          • Anon

            I get a new assistant every year or two so I made a word document outlining my filing system and document naming conventions, and other expectations that perhaps shouldn’t need to be said but are (like when you scan something and save it, make sure it is rotated the correct way first), and it really helps me get the word product I expect and them to feel more confident that they understand expectations.

    • Josie P

      I have a rocketbook – it is a low-tech scanning notes solution with erasable pages. THe app takes pictures and emails them to me and then my assistant scans my notes to the system, so I don’t use paper for notes any more.

      • PDX Atty

        +1 for rocketbook. You can set up multiple “destination” beacons too. For example, I used to work closely with one partner on a regular basis so one of the “destination” beacons I set up to email a copy of my notes/writing to him and myself. Other ones would be used for email to just my work email address, just my personal email address, upload to my google drive, upload to onedrive, etc. It doesn’t have the same feeling as writing on paper in the sense of the drag of the writing instrument but it does allow you to still take hand written notes. I use rocketbook when I am taking notes on my own to noodle things out.

        For most meetings, I solely use my email for taking notes. I forward the meeting invite (or other pertinent email that contains the request for the meeting/subject of the meeting to myself and in the body of the forward email I take notes on the meeting as well as time stamps for when the meeting starts and stops. Then I can send it to just myself or include the partner on the case; also makes it easier to save a PDF version into the case file.

        Also look into how you can use other programs for your needs. For attorneys, Excel can be an amazing tool for managing data. It is limited for people like data engineers etc because it cannot handle massive amounts of data but for keeping track of the 120+ witnesses in a construction matter, Excel is amazing. With OneDrive/SharePoint/365, you can also share the Excel workbook/worksheets with others on the team so they can update in real time as well so everyone’s notes are in the same place.

  4. Anon

    Following up on yesterday’s threads about living below your means, what should I be thinking about roughly 18 months before I retire from my government job? Any and all suggestions/lessons learned welcome. TIA.

    • Anon

      Cash is king. You don’t want to have to sell assets / take distributions in a really down market for basic expenses (like 2008-9) because there is a long tail. Are you Medicare eligible? Have retiree medical? Got that all planned out? Also, are you well-versed in required mandatory distributions from retirement plans and how that might affect your savings? If you work PT and don’t need the $, you can put it into a ROTH or save as cash for a cushion. Pay off bills, especially anything with a high or floating rate. Buy some longer-term CDs and ladder them so one comes up at maturity each month or quarter.

      • MJ

        Right now, money market accounts are paying as much as CDs and are far more liquid. That might not always be the case, but for now, CDs are more trouble than they are worth (and your money may be subject to withdrawal penalties).

    • Anon

      Figure out your leave balances and what you need to do to maximize your leave payout (and burn any leave you have in excess of whatever the max payout is). This will vary a little depending on what state you’re in or if you’re fed.

      • Anon

        I thought all accrued leave had to be paid out at separation? Hence “unlimited” PTO, so employees don’t accrue leave and employers don’t have to pay anything when they leave.

        • Anon

          My government employer has policies for maximum leave that can be paid out based on years of service, because it is not uncommon for 30+ year employees to have months and months of leave saved up by the time they retire (it never expires and is generous).

    • Anonymous

      I suggest listening to the Retirement Answer Man podcast. It’s hosted by Roger Whitney, who is a retirement investment advisor in Texas, and he has a long string of certifications. The podcast is commercial free, and he only lightly touches on his “product.” I find him to have a lot of integrity, as does his guests that he carefully screens.

      The podcast focuses on creating the life you want in retirement, which is more than just financial. There are episodes on investment withdrawals, pensions, healthcare, etc. but also episodes on living a happier life. There’s 400+ episodes now, so you may want to filter through some of them. He also has a weekly email newsletter with links. He a structured approach to planning, but also a lot of freedom because people have different wants and needs.

    • Anonymous

      Familiarize yourself with “sequence of returns risk” and understand how that should influence what you are investing in now and what you should be investing in during the early years of retirement.

    • Anon

      If you have a pension, go ahead and be familiarizing yourself with your distribution options. Consult a financial advisor if you have questions about which one is best for you.

    • Anon

      I also work in government (state) and expect to retire in 1-2 years. I have already taken an all day, online class offered by my state that runs through different topics related to retirement, e.g., social security, retiree medical coverage, pension options, RMDs. I did not really learn much that I did not know, but it was a good, consolidated review. Mybe your employer offers something similar.

      I also scheduled a 1:1 meeting with the retirement agency to work through the impact of recent raises with different retirement dates. I expected that to be easy and precise, and it was a complete waste of time.

    • Senior Attorney

      If you’re married, you may need copies of your marriage license and your spouse’s birth certificate if you plan to have them as a beneficiary/survivor/whatever. These can take a while to get so don’t delay. Also, I had an issue when I signed up for Mediare: I was retiring the month I turned 65, so I signed up for both Medicare A and B effective the following month. That was a problem because my employer’s health insurance was going to cover me for the following month, so I had to un-sign-up for Part B, then sign up again to have it effective a month later, and that caused problems with getting the retirement healthcare (which was a Part B supplement) in place on time. It worked out but it was a nail-biter, so don’t be me and make the mistake in the first place.

      • Anon

        This is really helpful. I will be late 50s, so no Medicare issues for a while. But I appreciate the heads up.

  5. Anonymous

    I hate leaving my pet for multiple overnights. This sounds stupid to my extended family. But I hate it. The older I get and the older she gets, the more I want to come home after work, cuddle with her, and relax at home most nights. I had a really travel-heavy year in 2022 and folks want me to go all over the place next year. I just don’t want to. I like home. She doesn’t travel well, at all- stress puking- so that’s not a real option. Anyone else go through this?

    • Anon

      Yes. I inherited the pet from a family member, so I cherished my time with the furball. I just didn’t travel a whole lot when he was alive and a travel a lot more now that he passed.

    • Anonymous

      Is this only about not wanting to leave your pet, or is there also deep weariness or burnout involved — physical or emotional, or both?

    • Trixie

      I feel the same way. My Ruby is 12 1/2 years old, so she is set in her ways and her home body lifestyle. I do have a sitter that she loves, so that helps…we take her to the sitter’s house. We also have a prescription for an anti-anxiety med that we use for fireworks, thunder, and so forth, and that helps. May be with the right meds she can travel with you if you travel by car. New job with no travel? I know, it is hard.

      • PolyD

        Same!

        I always have to travel at Christmas and am out of my place for a week+ and it has gotten very, very old.

    • Anonymous

      Yep my fluffy old man is the light of my life, I love spending evenings with him and he is much preferable to my extended family. Of course I still visit family because social obligation and I don’t tell them how I feel.

    • Anon

      My husband is your cat, but I trust that he is happier being left and I am happier going to a lot of trips solo (Homecoming to my school, my family, etc.).

    • Anon

      Would it help to maybe have a close friend watch her when you’re gone? My sisters (who live in the same city) have each other watch their dogs when they go out of town and they know they’re having a blast together.
      It does stink leaving them, tho, especially when they get older.

    • Anon

      You’re not the only one! I feel so guilty when I board my dog, even though she’s going to play at daycare during the day. I think about her during my trip, too. I have cats as well, and I feel less bad as they get to stay home with a friend feeding them.

    • Anon

      Yes. I love being home and cuddling with my dog. The thought of her getting old and not being with me makes me want to never leave her (and she’s only 5), so I totally get this. She only stays with my sister when I have to travel.

    • No Face

      It sounds like you don’t want to travel much next year, so don’t travel as much. People can visit you (if you like that) or you can see them in a different year.

    • Anon

      I had to euthanize one of my dogs in 2022 and one in 2023, and one silver lining of the pandemic was that I was able to spend so much time with them during their final years. I totally get your perspective. I always say that I get homesick for my dogs when I travel. I don’t have any answers for you, alas.

  6. Anon

    Has anyone had a nasal polyp removed (like just that, no other sinus surgery)? If so, did it work, stay removed, and you could breathe freely? And did it get rid of sinus pressure around where it was? I am so helping that this is all that my problems are related to and it’s done and fixed (vs a part of a process that may or may not work). It love for a resounding chorus of “yes, it’s like flipping a switch within a day” but suspect that YMMV.

    • Anon

      Yes, twice. In addition to finding a highly competent ENT whom you trust to do the surgery, pay attention to after care. My first ENT told me I was “good to go” after the first surgery. Four years later, I had developed more polyps and no amount of medical treatment would help. I had to have surgery again. I chose a different ENT for the second surgery. After the second time, I have an aggressive medical regimen (nasal spray, pills and injections) and I see the ENT regularly so he can examine me for regrowth. The medicine seems to be working.

      • Anon

        What are the pills and injections? This hasn’t come up so far. I do get allergy shots (to which my body takes a very Hold My Beer attitude and doubles down on the gunk; it’s like I’m provoking my mucus to fight back and it just gets stronger).

        • Anon

          Ask your allergist and your ENT to develop a long term post surgery plan to retard/prevent polyp regrowth.

          Mine are montelukast, Xolair and mometasone, but something different might be better for you.

    • Anony

      Yes, I did. It was more than 15 years ago so I don’t remember all the details, but the result was fantastic. I could breathe more freely immediately (like, even with the gauze still in my nose, I was breathing better than I had before the surgery). I don’t recall the polyp causing sinus pressure for me so I can’t speak to that, but after the surgery, I got much fewer colds, which was great, too. My ENT did not think I needed any treatment after the surgery, and it did not recur.

  7. KS IT Chick

    For the poster yesterday who snores and was concerned about using a CPAP.

    I have sleep apnea and I snore. Instead of a CPAP, I have something called a Bongo device. It looks like a very small set of bongo drums that sit in my nostrils while sleeping. It creates a positive pressure in my sinuses so that I don’t have apnea episodes while I sleep. I wore it on the plane on an overnight trans-Atlantic flight if that gives you an idea of how unobtrusive it is.

    Initially, it helped the snoring as well, but I’m at a point where it doesn’t anymore. I will ask my sleep specialist about moving to a CPAP at my next appointment, because my husband needs to be able to sleep as well.

    My initial sleep study was ordered by my primary care provider who then referred me to the sleep specialist. It has definitely been worth it to do.

  8. Anon

    PSA for this holiday season: When people are going through a hard time, they don’t need “space” – i.e., silence from loved ones. The older I get, the more instances I see of this happening and I see how hurtful it is to the individuals who want a hello or an expression of support. My aunt was effectively ghosted by several “friends” when she was diagnosed with cancer in the name of “giving space.” My brother was petrified all his friends hated him after a mental health incident but they were just “giving him space.” A dear friend went through a mystery illness in her teens and lost almost all her friends because they “didn’t know what to say” (and never figured it out). I had a miscarriage recently and it was incredibly isolating to be “given space” instead of hearing, “hey, thinking of you” from the tiny handful of people that I told about the pregnancy. It doesn’t have to be much, but a 5-second text message or a quick “how are you” at a family meet-up can make SO much difference at so little cost. 99% of people will not find it intrusive and for the few who do, they’ll let you know. Write that sympathy card, send that little gift, show up at the funeral – it helps more than I can say. Thought I would pass it on.

    • Anne-on

      In addition to this, teach it to your children! It’s easier to support people if you have had it modeled for you. I’ve made it a point to talk to my child about how we support those who are going through hard times – he’s seen me drop off food for friends and neighbors who are ill, pick up other kids from school when their parents are sick, call and text family members who lost people on holidays to let them know we’re thinking about them, etc.

      • anon

        Thank you for thinking of this.

        I don’t have kids but enjoy being a part of my niece’s life.
        But she has learned such poor behaviors from my brother.
        She is in college now. At some point I wonder whether I should drop some “hints”….

        • Anon

          Don’t drop hints, just spend time with her if you like her. No one likes to be hinted at and it never goes over well.

        • Anon

          At some point I wonder whether I should drop some “hints”….

          Omg, never. Nobody likes being passive aggressively scolded.

          • anon

            Thanks for this input.

            So, since she never expresses any “Thank you” for gifts – should I just stop giving, with no explanation?

            I have never said a word for years.

          • Anon

            Then I think that the SOL has run on complaining. I think that if she was 7, you take her shopping at a stationery store and get some for both of you and promise to write each other and tell her how awesome it is to hear from her and then actually write to her yourself.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think anyone actually believes they’re ‘giving space’ it’s just a lie they tell themselves so they can continue to perceive themselves as a good person. In reality most folks bail when their friends or family going through hard times because they don’t want to deal with the unpleasant feelings.

    • Anonymous

      One of the most important things you can do in life is show up. That’s it. You may not have the perfect thing to say, or know what to do, but it doesn’t matter. Just show up.

      • Anon

        This is actually the whole point of coming to a shiva at someone’s house. The mitzvah is being there. That’s all. Not to say something. Not the bring food. All those things are nice, but the mitzvah is to be present.

        • Anon

          This. Not Jewish, but you also have an invitation from the family to a place at a certain time. Vs texting a person 20 times in a day about the best time to drop off food. Don’t be that person.

    • anon

      Yes, OP. You are so right. Thank you for saying this.

      It doesn’t take much just to ask how someone is doing.
      A text is nothing. Nothing out of your life… but it means a lot.
      A phone call is like a miracle.

      This year I told my family after I was diagnosed with some things that are pretty terrible… I was open about how scared I was and how hard it was going through everything alone, in a city by myself. Only one of them has checked in on me since them. And I had to explicitly ask him to check in on me, or he wouldn’t have. Most of my blood relatives are men, unfortunately…. But even my female friends have let me down.

      • Anon

        I know just what you mean. I swallowed my pride and told a friend who was being completely silent about something I was going through that I really appreciated check-ins (she had given me a line about “wanting me to lead the way” or something). She said OK and asked a few questions but nothing ever since despite a significant worsening of my situation. I know she cares and another friend told me she asks about me behind my back but in those low moments when I would have given anything for a “how are you,” she found it too much or something. It really affects our friendship but I feel ashamed of needing more and can’t ask again.

        • Anon

          She’s the one who should feel ashamed. That’s awful behavior on her part, just totally selfish.

        • anon

          Yes…. it hurts so much.

          I told one friend about the painful symptoms, the treatments and struggles.
          And I scared her away completely.

          She sent one text later saying…. “You’ll figure out how to live my life will all of this….” It’s the most subtle… “shut up… talk to me when you’ve dealt with it and I don’t have to hear about it anymore…..”

          And then they expect it’s ok to vent about the latest boyfriend troubles, their annoying boss, a customer service annoyance, whatever….

          It is pretty terrible, but I think I have to pay a medical provider / therapist to just have someone to say …. “That’s really awful. I’m so sorry you have to be dealing with this….. ” And of course, a therapist can’t say “I’m here if you need anything”, when that is really what I need to hear. I’m not asking for them to do anything, really. Just listen. Let me vent/be scared. It helps a lot.

          I don’t need a therapist.
          I’d love to have better doctors, and less medical problems.
          But what I need are supportive friends/family.

          The only people who understand are others with cancer/chronic severe illnesses, and when you are younger, those are harder to find.

      • Anon

        That’s interesting — I feel like people I know have been vaguebooking for years about how calling is intrusive, almost the point that I only call my immediate family and BFFs.

        • Anon

          For real. None of my friends want to talk on the phone – including my friend who has cancer (in our 40s). So I text.

          I will say, however, not everyone wants this when they are going through something difficult. I want to be left alone when I’m going through something hard – I actively reach out when I need something. So sure maybe the majority of people may want this, but I think it’s more important to show up for someone the way THEY want you to. (Which is why I ask and then do what I am told!!)

        • Anon

          I’ve been the person on the receiving in more than once and I love to have supportive texts. You can go back and read texts when you’re feeling lonely and down.

    • Anon

      I try to remember this, and sometimes send a text that literally just says “thinking of you today” and nothing else, and no response is expected.

    • Anon

      I feel that there is a sincere wish not to pile-on and demand updates from people going through a hard time about things that they are emotionally exhausted already and don’t owe anyone updates for. I had a miscarriage and there is a delicate balance between people reaching out and people demanding essentially my medical records and to-the-minute updates about everything including my future plans. It’s hard and exhausting all around and I don’t blame people for . . . giving people some time to process on their own. It’s really hard to strike the right balance, especially in a world where no one is psychic and you don’t have a personal drama publicist to send out updates and deal with inquiries.

      • Anon

        Huh, that didn’t happen to me at all – I was lucky to get a “how are you feeling” with my miscarriage. No one, and I mean NO ONE, was interested in the medical detail. Maybe you just got unlucky? I’ve heard from a lot of other women that they felt alone and isolated after miscarriage.

        In any case, no one is arguing to pester someone for frequent updates – it’s more about the “hey, thinking of you” text or dropping off a casserole.

      • anon

        +1 – tbh everyone is different and this is a know your audience thing. I personally did not want any of those kinds of reach outs after my dad died a few years ago (other than from my 1-2 closest friends who I spoke to regularly), and frankly felt uncomfortable when people I barely knew did it. So while I agree that showing up is important, that looks different to different people.

      • Anonymous

        I tend to disagree. Being around people was really really hard for almost a year when I lost an immediate family member during the beginning of the pandemic. No I didn’t want to be on the daily video chat. I couldn’t be a good friend and chat about zoom school and sourdough. I just wasn’t in that place. I lost some friends because of it and I wish that people would have just accepted that I wasn’t myself in that level of devastation. It’s awesome to text that you’re thinking about someone but sometimes some of us really do need space and grace to be off the grid and pick up the pieces without having to explain and narrate the levels of despair we’re experiencing.

      • Anon

        Sending an “I’m thinking of you” text doesn’t create a burden on the other person. This attitude is just an excuse to not have to deal with somebody else’s pain or discomfort. It’s quite self-serving.

        • Anon

          IDK — sending a text feels perfomative — like you are saying “let me know if you need anything” so you feel good. If the person wants it, great. You have to know your audience. But 100 people saying literally that when my mom died and nothing more sort of soured me on that. Mail me a card — that is something you couldn’t do when you stopped at a red light. It’s like the bare minimum.

          IMO everyone should have a person that you can say “Sally died and I’m overwhelmed; I will let Tina know any day-to-day needs and how to coordinate so please reach out to her” and then let Tina handle.

        • anon

          +1

          A card.
          Some food.
          A note/message/text if that’s all you can manage.

          Even leaving a voice mail message is lovely. Hear a human voice say something kind is lovely. You should try it sometime if you’ve never done it.

    • Anon

      Thanks for this. I spent a few days in the hospital last week (unexpectedly) and decided to let several of my friends know what was going on. I’m still getting texts pretty regularly here and there asking how I’m doing. It means the world to me. For anyone reading this, please do send the occasional “thinking of you” text. It makes all the difference. I’m sitting home with a scary new diagnosis and the little bits of connection help so much!!!

    • Anon

      I 100% agree with this. Having been on the receiving end of the thinking of you messages, I always, always try to do the same.

    • Anon

      I am so sorry you are going through this. My miscarriages felt so isolating and I am sad that you seem to be going through this. This internet stranger hopes you’re holding up as well as you can and wishes you peace and comfort this holiday season.

  9. Anon

    I’m taking a professional certification exam today and I haven’t been doing well on the practice exams. I’m going to need some major good vibes/thoughts/prayers to pull this off. Please think of me today as I take the exam. It’s this afternoon.

    • Anon

      Fingers crossed! Trust that you can pull it together this afternoon; you have done your studying.

    • Anon

      Eat a healthy lunch with protein and fat to keep your brain sharp. Good luck!!!

    • Betsy

      You can’t change your level of preparation at this point but you can change your attitude. Do a power pose before you go in and do a little deep breathing! Nerves are totally normal, but tell yourself you CAN pass this test. And remember that practice exams are designed for you to score lower than you usually will on the real thing. Breathe deep, stay calm, and trust that you’ve got this!

    • Anon

      What kind of cruel professional org holds their exams in December!! Best of luck to you!! Breathe, focus, take a snack. I took actuarial exams for many years, and at this point I would just focus on how great it was going to be when the test was over!!

  10. Outfit Help

    I’m looking for a showstopper outfit for a big speaking engagement I have coming up in Vegas in Feb. I’ll be seated on stage so it’ll need to look good standing and sitting. I’m 5’2” and have a slight build so want to make sure I don’t look like I’m dressing in Mom’s clothes. I want to be professional but not a boring suit – I have flexibility for some edge/fashion. I’d spend up to $2k-ish for the right thing. What would you wear or which designers would you target?

  11. Anonymous

    I need a gut check here. I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the communication I get from my child’s school. This week we got an email that an employee had made “non-specific” threats of harm to the school. The email stressed that the employee did not have contact with the students. This person was arrested for threatening mass harm and the local news is reporting he described this threat more than once. Am I wrong to think that the kind of threat that gets someone arrested is pretty darn specific? I know they can’t always give me all the info but it seems like weird gatekeeping or misinformation to downplay the situation.

    I had a similar feeling a few months ago when they told us a student had engaged in “anti-Semitic conduct” but refused to describe what exactly the student did or what “disciplinary action “ was taken. I may be asking too much but I hate resorting to rumors and gossip to try to gauge how bad things are.

    • Anon

      The second example seems pretty normal to me (I am Jewish, fwiw), but I agree with you that I would expect more communication in the former context.

    • Anonymous

      I think that’s SOP to avoid copycats and kids/parents freaking out about specifics. My school does it every time, you hear more from the PSO gossip mill.

    • Anon

      No, that’s completely messed up. They should be giving complete information within reason and on a fast timeline.

    • Anon

      Our local public school did not tell us that they had given a child molester free rein over an after school program where he was able to be inside a locked building, with no other adults nearby, with 20+ young children. I found out on the news after his arrest for molesting several of them. He was not in the country legally, which a basic background check would have revealed, along with his priors. I asked the principal about it and got some corporate-comms-garbage and just sent it around to the other parents in the group. I am shocked that that woman still has a job and a pension — it’s like nobody cared and “mistakes were made.”

      • Anon

        OG-subposter. IDK if the school got sued, but they should have. My guess is that due to privacy concerns and that the victims were under age 10, a lawyer approached the school system directly and worked out something that didn’t hit the papers.

        Google “Play Spanish” and Eastover and it will come up.

    • Anon

      If you are in the US you are not entitled to know the disciplinary action taken against another student – that information is are a protected privacy right for that student.

        • anon

          Employees also have privacy rights. There was a local Title IX investigation in my town and the town council was enraged that they couldn’t drag all the school employees through involved through the mud.

      • Anon

        US Dept of Ed requires the school to communicate what it is doing to keep your kids safe, without releasing private information about the bad-actor students such as what his discipline was.

    • Seventh Sister

      My kids’ school had a set of bad administrators that were also bad at communication. At one point last year, they were taking the position that (due to privacy concerns) they could neither confirm nor deny that large-scale (dozens of kids) fights were taking place during lunches and breaks, even though my kid and others were reporting that they had to be evacuated from the lunch area and there was copious footage online of the fights.

      What worked (sort of) was contacting school board members and the superintendent. I’m usually all through the hierarchy, but the principal had made clear that their interest was not in my kind of student, so I went over their head. Also any time that administration was at a PTA meeting or other event, people (I was not the only pissed-off parent) asked about the fighting and what steps were being taken to address it.

  12. vegas anon

    Posted yesterday afternoon but posting again in case there are more suggestions (thanks to all who replied with some awesome recommendations!). I’m going to Vegas for the first time in a few months and would love some sort of specific recommendations. Has anyone here been to the Sphere to see a show and do you have any tips to share? I’d also like to check out Canyon Ranch Spa and would love to hear feedback about it. Finally – restaurant suggestions? I’d definitely like one fancy, can’t-do-anywhere-else kind of meal! Thank you!

    • Anon

      We did go to the Sphere in November for U2. The next residency is Phish and that starts in April. It’s not a normal venue where there’s a list of artists that come in for a night and then go; they are only going to do residencies, for right now. There is a Darren Aronofsky movie you can get tickets to watch in the Sphere if you want to do that. Otherwise I don’t think there are going to be shows at the Sphere between the tail end of the current U2 residency and the Phish residency (which will almost certainly sell out at the onsale, which I think is today).

      If you already have U2 tickets – congratulations, it is an incredibly amazing show and even if you just like U2’s music, the show will knock your socks off. If you do not already have U2 tickets and want to go, I believe the only available tickets are on the secondary market (aka Ticketmaster’s legal scalping enterprise) and so you will have to pay $$$$ to get them.

      If you do decide to go to the Sphere for the movie/”Sphere Experience,” or you have U2 tickets or are getting Phish tickets, be aware that you get to different levels of the venue on huge escalators (there are elevators and stairs also) and I saw a few people who were scared of heights have some anxiety on the escalators. Do not wear tall heels/wedges or footwear that otherwise might leave you unsteady on your feet; the stairs in the venue are very steep if you have to go up and down them. But it’s a stunning venue; like nothing we’ve ever seen, and I really want another artist I love to do a residency there so we can go back. I heard other people say the movie was interesting. It’s probably worth going if you’re really curious.

      Other notes:
      – I prefer Craftsteak in the MGM to Picasso in terms of fancy food. Picasso is just not my thing. Craftsteak is more relaxed and the food is amazing, and has been for nearly 20 years.
      – I have heard the Canyon Ranch in Vegas is not nearly as good as the one in Arizona, but I’ve never been.

    • Anon

      I didn’t see yesterday’s post, but I would skip the Sphere if it’s a night the movie is playing as opposed to a concert. Since it’s your first time I would do a Cirque du Soleil, I just saw Mad Apple and loved it but O and some of the others are more classic if you’d rather do that. Delilah’s is one of the “hotter” restaurants in Vegas, it’s kind of like a supper club with entertainment. I like using the website ”Eater Vegas” specifically the Essential Restaurant list and the Heat Map list to get an idea of where to eat, since you might want to target a specific location or cuisine depending on the rest of your schedule. Goes without saying hopefully, but the hotter the restaurant the earlier a reservation is needed (or at least call to find out strategy of when the reservations open up for a given date).
      Have fun!!

    • anon

      I went to Canyon Ranch recently. It is a great high end spa – but, it felt a bit expected – e.g., it was exactly what I expected for a high end spa at that price point. I went with my husband, and a lot of it is segregated on gender so we really didn’t get to hang out together that much. Would have been totally non-bothered if I was on my own, but be warned if you are going with your spouse. One other tip – it takes forever to get from the lobby to the spa, so do plan a good 30 minute cushion for yourself.

  13. H13

    Does anyone have an great and easy holiday candy or snack mix recipe that I can make in large batches? I don’t want to bother with cookies and I need something nut-free (my go-to is usually either spiced nuts or peanut brittle). Doesn’t need to be fancy. Thanks!

  14. anon

    follow up from yesterday, i had asked opinion on visiting disney land during xmas week. there are tickets available but i’m now considering knotts berry farm. is it babyish or will it be fun for a 14 yo? the reviews on line seem to suggest that while it will certainly be crowded it won’t be as bad as disney and it’s much less expensive which makes it easier to take a risk… disney was going to literally cost us a $1000 for the day.

    • Anon

      Knotts Berry Farm was the coolest when I was a teenager! I wouldn’t worry about it.

    • Anon

      Of all the things you can do in California, this would be last on my list. Are you having to go to Anaheim/OC for some reason? If you want to do an amusement park concept, go to LA and do Universal Studios for a set tour. Go to Santa Monica to the pier.

      • Anon

        Disagree, wandering aimlessly around the pier is like a 4/10 on the enjoyment scale at the most and Disney is 10/10. I say this as someone who hate crowds but has loved every single one of my handful of visits to Disney in my life! OP, go for Disney.

      • anon

        FWIW I grew up in OC and loved Knott’s. I don’t know what it’s like now but it was super fun for me as a teenager.

    • Anon

      We live in OC and are Jewish. Are you Jewish? One of our favorite places to go for food is “Little Arabia” in Anaheim for Middle Eastern food. We have not gone since October 7 (we have Israeli accents in our English and one of us “looks” Jewish). Something to consider if it applies to you. (If it doesn’t apply, then I highly recommend a falafel + baklava visit!)

    • Anon

      I would do Universal over KBF. KBF has a couple of decent rollercoasters, but there’s not much else to do (other than look at the mini mission models, which are super cool but not necessarily interesting to a 14 yo). KBF might be fun for a 14 yo to go with friends, but not with parents. Universal has a lot more pop culture. It might be crowded, though.

      The other thing about KBF is that the cost to do the fast pass equivalent is pretty steep, if I’m remembering correctly.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1 to Universal Studios. Also they have a VIP tour that is much more reasonable than Disneyland (when I did it some years ago it was in the $250pp range — looks like it’s close to $400pp now) and it just fabulous.

    • Anonymous

      Knott’s Berry Farm is less little-kid-ish than Disneyland. I always thought it was targeted at middle-aged people who enjoyed dad jokes. Eat boysenberry everything and don’t expect a Disney fantasy experience, and you’ll have a great time.

    • MJ

      I grew up in SoCal. Other than Magic Mountain (Six Flags), Knotts has the best rollercoasters. It’s much smaller than Disney, so it’s easy to get around. As a teenager, it was our favorite amusement park (and in college too). I recommend it heartily, even over Disney. It has great rides.

      Universal was never my favorite, and they have more Harry Potter stuff now, but…still no. Also a haul from Orange County–it’s not close.

  15. Anonymous

    What can I do to support a friendly acquaintance in a questionable situation? One of the guys in my friendgroup married a woman, let’s call her Ana, more than 5 years ago. Ana’s family all live abroad and cannot easily get visas. Most/all of her friends are also his friends, but one or two women in the group are closer to her than him. I’m not particularly close to either of them, I’ve never been a big fan of the guy.

    Ana and her husband started TTC about a year ago and got PG pretty quickly. Through the grapevine I heard that the husband freaked out that it happened so fast and complained about her for her entire pregnancy. I have personally observed him being sort of short with her or poking fun at her, but she always just rolls her eyes at him and laughs it off. I told her she can call me if she needs anything, she never has. She had the baby a few weeks ago and I went over last night to drop off a casserole. She seemed exhausted (understandably); the guy flippantly said he’s basically doing nothing with the baby, and made a crack about doubting whether the baby was his due to some features (lighter hair/eyes/skin) that didn’t come from either of them. Ana laughed it off, I was pretty aghast, I think I just stared at him open mouthed. I told her to let me know if there’s anything I can do for her. I find myself still feeling bothered by the whole interaction. It’s a really powerless feeling. I know it’s not about me and I don’t want to overstep, but I’m wondering if there’s anything I can or should do here?

    • Anon

      I think you’ve done all you can by offering to help if she needs it. I can see why you would be upset by the interaction and the guy doesn’t sound great, but I will say that my husband made similar jokes about our baby when he was born – he’s a very involved parent and was 100% kidding, it’s just his sense of humor. I also remember him joking about feeling like he wasn’t doing anything, which in the first couple weeks when the baby is feeding around the clock, is kind of true. So if you don’t know them that well, the joking could just be their dynamic and not as serious as you are perceiving.

      • Anon

        Your husband sounds like a class A jerk. I can’t believe you’re trying to normalize this behavior.

        • Anon

          That’s rude. I think it’s totally possible the husband in OP’s hypo is a jerk (I know sooo many meh guys who turned into terrible husbands and fathers post-kids), but I don’t think an occasional joke about the baby looking different than you makes you a terrible person. Our baby was a carbon copy of my husband but I can see him making a joke like that if she had looked really different.

          • Anon

            Nah, cracking that kind of “joke” is abhorrent. Guys like that do not need to be and should not be defended.

          • Anon

            Grow up. If it isn’t amusing to make unsubstantiated jokes about adultery when babies aren’t in the picture, it isn’t okay to do it when she *carried her husband’s child for nine months.*

            Grow. Up.

          • Anon

            I agree, not sure why people here are so offended by it (in general, the husband in the OP sounds like a jerk!) My kid was born with much darker hair than either my husband and I and we liked to joke about it. As long as both parties find it funny and it’s not at the expense of the mom, I think it’s fine.

      • Anon

        So my husband made jokes about feeling useless and like he “wasn’t doing anything” in those first few weeks, for the reasons you describe – the baby was basically attached to one of my nipples 24/7 and would barely tolerate being put down even for a couple of minutes. But that’s different than quasi-bragging that “I’m doing nothing!” which is what OP seems to be describing. My husband legitimately felt bad that he couldn’t help more, but there was nothing much he could do, as I had been encouraged to have my baby nurse as much as he wanted to help build my milk supply – and as it turned out, “as much as he wanted” meant “all the freaking time.” I don’t think OP’s friend’s husband feels bad, if the “I’m not doing anything” statement was followed by a “joke” about the baby possibly not being his.

      • Anonymous

        In the immortal words of Ryan Reynolds “your wife made a human with her body, she’s done enough. Change the diapers.”

        DH washed pump parts, fed me while I fed the baby (as in literally spooned yoghurt into my mouth on occasion) so that I could go back to sleep as soon as the baby was done feeding, and changed the baby during/before/after feedings, and fended off his mom’s offers of ‘help’ by keeping her occupied with stuff that didn’t irritate my last nerve. And rocked the baby to sleep when I was done feeding. There’s TON for dads to do if they are not lazy AF.

    • Anon

      Sometimes “call me if you need anything” is too open ended. It can help to be specific. You can say something like “I have a few hours free tomorrow. Would you like me to come hold the baby for a couple of hours so you can shower or take a nap?”

      Thank you for trying to help Ana. I feel really bad for her.

      • Anon

        This. It’s the same kind of cop out as “giving space” above. Offer specific instances of help. Text her and let her know you’re going to the grocery store and can you pick up anything? Offer to bring over another meal. Things like that.

      • Anon

        Agree with this. I’d also be realistic that if she knows you through her husband who is in your friend group, she probably assumes you are on team husband and wouldn’t be comfortable being totally open with you – so it’s kind of you to support her and to the extent appropriate help her find a mom group or other support for herself, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t spill the tea with you.

      • OP

        I agree, “let me know what I can do” sounds like an empty platitude, like it’s something people say but don’t mean. I like your suggestions for specific ways to offer help.

      • Anon

        +1. I had people say that to me after I had a baby, but as a single mom even thinking of what to ask for was too much work. What was really helpful was my two friends who both said I can come over on X with dinner for you and to watch the baby for a few hours so you can sleep. Let me know if X day doesn’t work for you. I could also come y or z

    • Anon

      Poor Ana. I think you’ve done all that you can by reaching out and letting her know you’re there for her.

      Her husband sounds like a jerk. I’m biracial with lighter eyes and skin tone than my siblings…I can’t tell you how I hated hearing “jokes” like that growing up.

      • Nudibranch

        Since there are relatively easy way to check genetics now, this type of joke is especially gross and tasteless.

    • anon

      Check on her in a few weeks. When the baby gets a bit older, invite her to do other things with your mom friends (if you have them). The biggest thing is making sure that she has a circle of people to reach out to if she needs it. And, I would say this regardless based on being a new mom far away from her family. You can also text her an offer like “hey, I remember when susie was 2 months and I could barely take a shower, need me to come over and give you some you time.”

      • OP

        Good suggestion to keep following up. She’s going to try to come to an outdoor market if it’s not too cold, she’s not comfortable bringing the baby to indoor events yet, which of course makes socializing tough in the winter. I thought about offering to watch the baby but I have never been around an infant of any age and certainly not a newborn so I’m not sure I’m the best person for the job. I have some vague idea that diapers are a thing? And I guess they eat but I can’t feed them Cheerios yet? I can feed the parents, though!

    • Anonymous

      You’re a good friend. The best way to help is just to stay present. Pop over another time during the holidays. Keep in touch via text. She’s not likely to make any big decisions immediately post partum or over the holidays but establishing that you are there for her means she will feel more comfortable reaching out.

  16. Anon

    Curious if anyone has reviews on the LL Bean mountain classic down parka? I’m a small framed petite and have a tough time buying coats, but it’s available in a XXS petite.

    My down J Crew petite down puffer coat from 2012 is getting pretty grimy and washing it is not removing stains. Need a replacement, would like something very warm (I’m in the northeast), sized at a petite 0 or XS and under $300, preferably. Lands End petites run too big for me.

    • Anon

      Lands End children’s sizes may work well for you. Often they are the same models for the workhorse models. I feel that LL Bean coats run smaller than LE and may suit you (again, or the kids ones — youth XL is often what I go with if it is a utility item like a coat).

    • Anon

      Marmot Montreal. I’m 5’2″ weigh 100-105. My Montreal in an XS fits perfectly and is definitely warm enough for Boston winters. (It can actually be a little snug if I’ve layered up. Given my size, this is almost never the case with winter outerwear!)

    • IL

      One of the advantages of LL Bean is that you can go into the stores to try on the clothes and get a sense of the size and cut. I would go do this as some of the pieces look very different in store than in the catalog. I’ve totally flipped on pieces when I’ve seen them in person.

  17. Anonymous

    My sister is going through a rough time financially and gave everyone a heads up that “it’s gonna be a homemade Christmas.”

    Her love language is gifts, so there is no hearing “seriously, don’t worry about it” from us.

    I’m looking for ideas for what we can get her that won’t make her feel uncomfortable. We want to give her presents that she can use.

    FWIW, we have kids that she gives gifts to, and we are in a position to be very generous. It doesn’t have to be a low cost item, but it can’t feel like it cost a lot (eg a gift card).

    Our ideas so far: books (some I’ve bought, some I’ve curated from local free libraries), a silly but practical water bottle, presents for her dogs. I’ve thought about Uggs For dog walking but she doesn’t like them.

    She’s mid 30s, divorced, has dogs, and lives in a condo in a mild climate. She’s a nurse but hasn’t been working a ton recently due to her own health issues (see: money is tight). She doesn’t like stuff so we usually default to gift cards.

    • Anonymous

      When money was tight for me, I’d have a loved a ____ of the month subscription: flowers, book, steak, wine, cheese . . . whatever she enjoys.

      You could give her a cozy home night kit: cozy cardigan or throw, fuzzy socks, doordash gift certificate, and subscription to a streaming service.

      Or an upgrade to new bed linens. Or a bath basket: great soap and lotion, new towels, spa bathrobe, etc.

      • Anonymous Grouch

        Ooh – I love the “luxury-ish item of the month” idea. Especially if she’s in a position where day-to-day needs are met, but she has to economize on treats. And maybe a “gift” for her dog(s) that includes a gift card to petsmart, chewy, etc. that she can use for their food, meds, etc. Would be a little financially helpful without being as direct as “here’s a grocery gift card”.

      • Anon

        When money was tight for me, the best gift I got was my family paying for a full year of my gym membership. Does she have a monthly expense that you can prepay for her — take a bit of financial pressure off?

        • Anon

          Or along the same lines, experiences for her kids like zoo membership/children’s museum?

      • all over anon

        Those are really good suggestions – showing a lot of care, without being overwhelming.

    • PolyD

      Is there some kind of consumable that she really enjoys but feels like she must cheap out on in tight financial times? Like good coffee or tea, good bread or cookies? Maybe a package of good coffee/tea with snacks or cookies from Trader Joe (I know it’s not especially expensive, but I’m blanking out on other stores that have fun snacks) and a gift card?

      I am not in financial straits and still fantasize about buying myself a Swiss Colony basket of fun food.

    • Anon

      Is there a type of food she really likes that there’s a useful but fancy version of? I’m thinking Rancho Gordo beans, King Arthur or Bob’s Red Mill baking products.
      Depending on what flavor of mild climate, a good raincoat is a real nice-to-have for dog walking. Outdoor Research makes ones that are a good intersection of quality/value. I size up so I can fit an extra layer underneath.
      A membership or season tickets to her favorite local sportsball team, symphony, theatre, museum, botanical garden, aquarium or whatever is her “thing” so she can go whenever she likes and not pay an entrance fee. Many of these places have holiday membership specials, so you have plausible deniability if you go all-out and she googles the sticker price. OTOH, many aren’t that much to begin with and the benefits far outweigh the cost once they’re used 2 or 3 times. Having an outlet like this (state park annual pass is my jam) when I was utterly broke really helped my overall mood and outlook.
      I hope things are looking up for her soon!

    • Anon

      When I’m tight on money I cut back on haircuts, nails, makeup, skincare, stuff like that. I would love a Sephora gift card or a spa gift card to treat myself.

    • Anon

      You say she doesn’t like stuff so why are all your suggestions stuff? If you have given her gift cards in the past, why is that off limits now? I would try to make her life easier by paying for a grocery delivery service or dog walker or house cleaner.

      • anon

        Maybe I’m an oddity for this board, but I wouldn’t expect someone to have a dog walker, house cleaner, or use a grocery delivery service. Only a small subset of households actually use those things and it’s mostly upper middle class families with young kids. They aren’t standard items in most household budgets.

        • Anon100

          when I was in a tight pinch and stressed at work I’d have loved to have someone gift me a cleaning certificate or food delivery. Even a once-off cleaning visit would have been amazing.

    • Anon

      Assuming she isn’t flying (ie she can cart this stuff home):
      A giant bag of dog food and some dog toys, and label it as being for the canines. “To Fido and Lassie, love Aunt Kristy.”

      A homemade gift basket of consumables from Trader Joe’s: sipping chocolate, tea, cookies, coffee, protein bars, crackers, cough drops.

      A quality version of something she already has, provided it lasts a long time. When money was tight, I really appreciated things like nice sheets that wouldn’t tear within a year, durable towels, purses that last a decade, Citizens watch, stuff like that.

      A gift card to a place like Macy’s or Dillard’s, so she can get clothes, makeup, whatever it is that straddles the line between needs and wants.

      Since she’s a nurse and walks her dogs, maybe a pair of good sneakers? Bad footwear will cause all sorts of problems.

      • Anon

        You’d need to know what the dogs eat, it’s not helpful to have random food as you don’t switch up their kibble without getting stomach issues.

    • anon

      Get your sister a small present (candle, take the kids to a paint your own pottery and have them make a mug) and venmo her $1000 on Christmas morning. Text her and tell her that you know everything has been tight and you want her to spend the money on whatever she wants, including if its just a new set of tires or shoes for the kids or something entirely frivolous.

  18. Sunshine

    Suggestions on activities in Phoenix in January? Just DH and me. In town for a long weekend for a friend’s wedding. I would go hike all day, but he isn’t a hiker. We are staying near Camelback Mountain and will have a car.

    • Anonymous

      Botanic Gardens, Frank Lloyd Wright house, lots of great spas, Old Town Scottsdale art galleries.

      • Anon

        My non-musical husband and I stopped in at the Musical Instrument Museum on our way from Phoenix to Sedona and ended up spending hours there. Such a surprisingly facinating and enjoyable time. We loved it!

    • Anon

      We went to Phoenix this past January and I was underwhelmed by the Desert Botanical Garden. It’s fine but quite pricey ($30 per person) and I didn’t think it was worth it. The cacti are cool but you see them all over the area. Maybe it’s better other times of year, or at sunrise/sunset? We went mid-day.

      • Sunshine

        That’s what I’ve concluded from the photos as well. At some point, there was a Chihuly installation, which would have been great. But dessert landscape is everywhere.

        The Frank Llody Wright house is right up our alley. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.

  19. Anon

    I have a teen who may hold a job one day but has autism (right now, goes to school and does volunteer work and tasks for neighbors like watering plants and walking smaller dogs), so is easily misled by others or is overly generous (gave away all money to a local charity that had sent an emotional appeal out on our NPR station) in a way that is bad. At any rate, teen will outlive us and may outlive any funds we give or set aside to keep him housed and fed in case the job is insufficient to do that otherwise. If we want to set up what I think is a special needs trust (that is also a spendthrift trust, not sure I know the difference), what sort of lawyer does that and how do I find a good one in my area (NC)? Leaving everything outright now seems like a way to get someone else rich quick or have some charity get a windfall that wouldn’t be appropriate here (we are working on the concept of tithing, like you can give away your money, but no more than 10% of what you make in a year, so that we don’t kill the want to be kind, but we get in the habit of teen knowing reasonable limits to things).

    • Anon

      You likely want a good trusts and estate attorney. Not sure how best to find one in your area. The state bar should have a list of those who specialize in that area of law

    • Anonymous

      You want a trusts and estates lawyer. They can refer you to a professional trustee or guardian of the estate, as appropriate, who can manage the money for your child. They may also know resources for a group home type setting where the residents are mostly independent but have some oversight, like of like a dorm with an RA.

    • Anon

      Trusts & estates attorney. What area of NC? Not my area of law, but you can try Larry Moye at Womble Bond Dickinson in Raleigh–not sure if he does exactly what you need or if you’re in Raleigh, but if he doesn’t, he should be able to point you in the right direction. (disclaimer: I work at his firm)

    • anon

      Elder law is an area that may be able to consult about the spectrum of guardianship and support options. Where we live, they can also assist with financial future planning.

  20. Anonymous

    Moral obligation: To what extent are you, if at all, socially or morally obligated to help out family members?

    – parents with a special needs child that has aged out of the system- what do parents do long term (eg when they are no longer appropriate guardians)? Does it depend on the need?

    – adults with a special needs sibling and parents that are no longer in the picture

    – adults with aging parents with no or limited resources

    – adults with siblings with issues (non developmental- like alcoholism, major behavioral health [bilolar, schitzophrenia, manic depression etc], severely chronic health issues that impede their ability to work)

    – adults with adult children with the issues above (non developmental)

    • Anon

      I think you’re asking the wrong questions. It depends on the abilities of the caregiver, the relationship between the parties, and what other options are available. IMHO, parents have a greater obligation than do siblings, and more is owed to children than to adults.

      One of my friends has a severely disabled younger sister. Younger sister was stuck at the developmental age of a three year old. Her parents told my friend for almost all her life that Sister wouldn’t go into a home, Friend would need to care for her when parents weren’t able to, all that. Friend went no contact with her family, moved across the country, got married, and has a family of her own.

      Maybe ramming “social and moral obligations” down people’s throats isn’t the right move here?

      There are also a LOT of issues surrounding caregiver burnout. There are a lot of issues surrounding wrecking your own life for someone else’s. There are also issues of how parents and siblings treated the person they now want to help them.

      • Anon

        My brother suffers with schizophrenia and lives in an ALF. The last time I saw my mother, she noticed he had a new outfit. He told her that I had taken him shopping for new tees and shorts. She gave me a look of gratitude and died a few weeks later. I don’t know what I would do if my husband was not supportive. We have my brother over once a week and I take him shopping and we go to the gym together. I feel guilty about his living situation but it is not reasonable for him to live with us because it would destroy our relationship. I have had to navigate this while raising my son as my brother can be terrible and hateful at times. I would never let my brother be on the street as I love him dearly. We still laugh together sometime like when we were kids.

        • anon

          Thank you so much for everything you are doing for your brother.
          You are a wonderful sister.

          My Aunt had schizophrenia, and my father bipolar and I cared for him until he died.

          What you are doing is lovely, and perfect.
          I understand it is so very hard.
          Thank goodness you have a kind husband.

          Good luck to you and your family.

        • Anon

          The fantasy of every person being able to be cared for by their family… is a fantasy. Some people have incredibly high needs and always will. Some people are actively destructive.

          I know someone who did his best to care for his wife with Alzheimer’s at home, right up until she almost burned the house down when he was in the shower. Then it became time for full time, professional care in a facility.

          • Anon

            I am the poster whose brother is schizophrenic. I had to have the “I am not Jesus talk” with myself. I do believe we have a moral obligation to help our family and our community but what that looks like depends on our own circumstances at any given time. I can help with my resources and my time and my love but I can’t make him not mentally ill.

    • Anon

      We paid 100% of the expenses (assisted living, medical care) etc for my father in law, even though my husband had basically no relationship with him. we felt like it was our responsibility. Not sure why. We will probably do the same for my parents in a few years.

    • Anon

      I worry about this a lot.Our social safety net is nonexistent. My brother in his 30s is on disability, has never worked, and lives with my mom. She’s early 70s. My brother won’t accept help to apply for public housing, which has long wait times. He gets less than $1K/mo in benefits and can’t support himself on that. My mom is a retired public employee, so she has a small pension but no retirement savings. She struggles to support them both. Our dad is out of the picture. I have no idea where my brother will go when my mom passes. I try to talk to him, and he says he’ll just end up on the street homeless and die if I don’t let him live with my and DH. That isn’t a possibility for a variety of reasons. It’s really hard, and I feel like he is manipulative by refusing to plan.

      • Anon

        Additional context: my brother has psychological disabilities + fibromyalgia. He spends his days online. I encourage him toget a job WFH or some other sedentary job, but he doesn’t seem to feel any need to work given our mom has always supported him.

        • anon

          Ugh, this is just so, so rough.

          Does he get any regular healthcare, and have a social worker etc… who follows him?

          Yes, he is being totally manipulative.

          Just continue to be clear with him. He cannot live with you – ever.
          Oh yes, those wait lists for housing are crazy long, and you are so right he should get on them now. Keep offering to help him sign up.

          I might check in with your local NAMI organization family support group, and talk with folks there how they navigate this type of situation. I have found their support groups helpful at times.

          • Anon

            He has the state Medicaid, which actually is pretty comprehensive. No social worker, although he sees a therapist. Apparently my brother uses the time to complain about our parent’s divorce 25 years ago…no action planning for the future.

            He has tried so many mental health meds and refuses to take them, claiming to experience every possible negative side effect. It’s like he reads the side effect warnings and then internalizes that. He’s even had pharmacogenetic testing done to see if he has predispositions for certain side effects…all came back clear.

            My DH and I live in a small condo in a HCOL city a few hours away. We physically can’t house my brother here, and we can’t afford to buy anything larger. We both work in public service without significant future earning potential. Definitely will continue encouraging him to get on a public housing wait list. I had looked, and it was currently a 4-5 year wait and counting…as a single person without kids, he doesn’t have priority.

    • Anon

      My sister is an alcoholic and likely has BPD and I feel zero obligation to help her out. We are not close, never have been, and I hate watching the effect of her actions on my parents (who she still lives with). She has a massive victim complex and has somehow convinced herself that she had a horrible childhood with awful parents, despite the fact that they have bent over backwards (too much IMO) to support her, including paying for beauty school (twice, she finally graduated the second time), allowing her to live at home rent free, paying for most of her groceries, paying for the lawyer to bail her out of jail after her DUI, etc. She’s ungrateful and honestly a burden on society.

    • Anon

      I once saw a wealthy, well-educated regular commenter here respond to someone asking about helping family with “not your circus, not your monkeys.” That struck me as incredibly callous. It’s one thing to not be ABLE to help – but to write off the possibility of help because it’s not your problem seemed very wrong to me. I do believe we have obligations to help immediate and sometimes extended family with their situations. I also believe that those of us with more advanced education or professional jobs can make a significant difference in matters like advocating for health insurance coverage, contacting the state Medicaid agency for someone, and things like that.

      For our situation, I’m not sure what kind of help my parents might require. I think they’re not managing their money that well and we’re overdue to figure that out. We are in a very complicated situation with my husband’s family (located abroad, visa difficulties, numerous other factors) as well. We also support my aunt who has no children or other family besides me and her own sister.

      • Anon

        The challenge is when does help become enabling. I think it’s also different with a sibling than a parent, given the timeline of support potentially needed.

          • Anon

            Yes, and I stand by what I said. My viewpoint is informed from attending Al-Anon. I’ve seen my own family and heard of other group members’ families that enable under the guise of helping…which doesn’t help anyone.

        • Anon

          So, anon at 12:33, this discussion is about people who have all kinds of congitive and physical disabilities and not just addiction issues. And sometimes mental health disorders and brain damage can co-exist with addiction.

      • Senior Attorney

        That may well have been me, and it’s more nuanced than that. I took care of my parents until they died. Mercifully they didn’t outlive their money, but it was a pretty near thing and I was prepared to pay for my dad’s care if his money had run out. My younger brother, on the other hand, is a burden on society along the lines of the sister described in Anon at 12:09 PM’s post, above. I absolutely feel no obligation to help him out of whatever dire straits (of his own making) he may one day find himself in. Not my circus, not my monkeys. He has two grown children and they can help him if they are so inclined.

        • Senior Attorney

          BTW when said grown children were growing up, they had Christmas every year because of the checks I sent. The ones that were never acknowledged. At some point the one-way street comes to a dead end.

    • Anonymous

      You’ve listed an incredible number of complex situations with no context. People wrestle for years with the situations you’ve mentioned, and fail to find satisfying answers. Can you give us a way to help you by narrowing your question down — are you dealing with your own situation and trying to figure out what your obligation is?

    • anon

      You do what you’re able to and what will allow you to sleep at night. This varies from person to person.

    • Anonymous

      My family of origin is incredibly toxic and I feel no obligation of any kind to help them out.

    • Anon

      This is not something that can be answered without context, imo.

      My brother and I grew up in an abusive home. He and my father were completely estranged because of this. I had feelings of obligation for Reasons. Brother didn’t help with father’s care AT ALL, which we talked about, and I completely understood and supported. I would not have bankrupted myself to help him, but I was prepared to do a lot of leg-work and some limited financial help, which didn’t end up being needed. Now my brother has eliminated all contact with me and bad mouths me to the rest of the family. I wouldn’t provide any help to him in any capacity. Just from this very brief paragraph, you can see that each of us made different choices and had different feelings of obligation, all of which are understandable in the context.

    • Seventh Sister

      One of my kids’ cousins (in her late 20s) is developmentally disabled and while her parents can (and do) care for her now, they’ve worked with lawyers to make sure that she will be cared for after they are gone. They have pretty substantial assets, so I think there is a trust for her benefit. In all likelihood, her same-age first cousins will be the adults in charge of that trust at some point, though I’m not sure whether she’d go and live with one of them (she could probably live in a sheltered apartment situation). I can’t imagine that my nuclear family would ever be asked to look after her, though I think we would step up if there was no one else.

      While I know there are plenty of people that say, “oh, I could never send my relative to a group home/nursing home/assisted living facility,” it is not always feasible to take care of an elderly or disabled person in your own residence.

  21. Anon

    I am a year and a half out from separating from my husband (my choice). It is still so hard and overwhelming. It just doesn’t seem to get better. And now I have to split all the assets that I spent my whole working on (I was the main breadwinner), and I am only 6 years away from when I wanted to retire and now I will have so much less money for that or have to work longer. Everything is so overwhelming, work, the kids (late teens), money, loneliness, boredom, so many responsibilities, the holidays…… And I have been pushing through this for a year and a half doing all the things I am supposed to do, keeping busy, making plans, therapy, journaling, exercising, but nothing gets better or easier. I miss my old life when things were good so much. But I know things won’t change with him.

    I don’t know what I am asking here, maybe to hear from others who have gone through this?

    • anon

      My best friend went through this a few years ago. She ended up downsizing to a light-filled, brand new, small home when her teens left for college. I’m not exaggerating when I say the new place changed everything for her. Having a lovely home of her own (with no memories/baggage) + being in a more central part of her city + the easing of some home-related expenses was transformative. She is now in a great relationship with a new guy and happier than I have ever seen her.

    • Anon

      I am several years out from it. I know it’s hard to not have as much money as you thought you had. But I feel like I have my self back. I had to make myself so much smaller in that marriage, I didn’t realize how much I missed ME. Things are absolutely great now, in case you find that encouraging. Hugs to you.

    • anon

      Two things stand out to me. You sound burned out and it seems like maybe you want permission to try and reunite with your spouse. This internet stranger wouldn’t judge you at all for trying to do that since it seems like you were happier when you were in your marriage despite whatever problems your husband has.

      But I think you should address the burnout first. Stop doing all the things you “should” be doing to heal. I find journaling exhausting and a giant time suck, even though I like writing. And you may be overdoing it with the exercising during a busy period of life. Are you doing those things because you think they’ll make you feel better? It doesn’t seem like they are making you feel better, so maybe it’s time to scale back.

      It also seems like you need to reevaluate your job. Six years is too long to eye the exit and count down the days until it comes. If your job was filling your bucket instead of depleting it, I think you would find everything else so much less overwhelming.

    • Senior Attorney

      I chickened out and went back to my awful husband, twice, because I was so worried about the money part. And both times I regretted it bitterly. Just remember… the only way out is through. And I don’t know about you, but for me the very worst case scenario was living in the bad marriage.

      I love the idea of downsizing to a new place that’s only yours. And also you never know what’s around the bend — I thought I was going to have to work longer, too, and then lo and behold I remarried and was able to retire on schedule. So you never know what the universe has in store for you!

  22. Anonymous

    random question: where would you go to get good quality but plain chains for pendants in 14K white and yellow gold? i have some pendants that came without chains and i’m tired of moving my few spare chains around. probably 16″, maybe 18″?

    • Anon

      I was just looking at chains from Ferkos Jewelry on Etsy. I believe they also have a website. The reviews were great and the pricing wasn’t bad at all.

    • Anon

      If it’s for you, Tiffany’s. Went through many options when the chain broke on a highly sentimental item and they had the best chain that felt like it wouldn’t break if you played with it (without being 2k).

    • Anon

      Probably not online. Things are going to be thinner and more delicate than you think they will be when you’re looking at the pics. Gold is expensive obviously, so they try to draw you in with low prices by skimping on heftiness and quality.

      My local bench jeweler has a selection- they don’t make them, they order them from a place. But the price isn’t too bad, and I can go in person and get my mitts on them to see if they’re the way I want them to be. I would absolutely do that in your shows.

  23. Anon

    Thank you for posting this; the house is such a difficult but large part of it, and I will be selling next Spring when my youngest graduates HS. Your comment makes me feel just the littlest bit hopeful.

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