This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Happy Tuesday! I always love a good windowpane, and this one is particularly fetching: black and “ink blue,” a flattering tucked detail at the waist, sleeves, lining, a hidden zipper in the back — and it's machine washable. While we are drooling over Hugo Boss, I am also drooling over this cardigan, which has enough structure that I think it would look lovely with the pictured dress. The dress is $395, sizes XS-XL, at Nordstrom. Boss Hugo Boss ‘Empiria' Windowpane Print Jersey Sheath Dress
Two lower-priced alternatives are here and here; a plus-size option is here.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-6)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
anon
Is this windowpane thing a trend? If I buy something like this, can I wear it for many years, or will it look dated?
bridget
I would also like to know.
Cat
I think it’s a classic that happens to be popular this year.
Mpls
+1. It may be part of the menswear trend that is coming to the forefront again?
NYNY
I think of windowpane as a classic menswear pattern. There are several trendy variations this year in womenswear, but it’s still pretty classic. I say go for it!
Cb
Ooh that’s gorgeous! If I had money to burn, that would be in my cart. I have 2 dresses in a similar shape and wear them constantly.
Also, a big thanks for feedback on a jewellery capsule wardrobe…lots of food for thought and a few additions to my sale stalking list.
MovingOn
When you have decided that you’re ready to leave your job, but haven’t found a new job (still looking), how do you stay motivated to put in the hours required, work hard, and not job search on company time?
ace
Following for ideas… in a similar position.
NYNY
When I was in the same place last year, I found some motivation in telling myself “I won’t have to deal with this sh!t anymore when I find my new job.” But I’ll admit that I leaned back a bit. I did what was required, but I had always done more than that, and I didn’t anymore.
Anonymous
I was in your spot once and I set a deadline for getting out and that was my incentive. Every lousy day at old job, I’d think, I’m not going to be here in six months, or whatever it takes. And I used my time off to search and interview. ( I worked some weekends so I had weekdays to interview.) and in just about six months, I interviewed for and got the best job ever.
S in Chicago
Remember that the stuff you’re working on now will be what is top of mind when folks are giving references. Recency trumps track record often. And that each person your interacting with will be a potential reference down the road. Although you may think you know who your references will be, it never hurts to have a whole team available so you can pull in who seems most appropriate for a particular skill, who may have an inside connection at the new place, etc. Basically treat excelling at existing job like it’s part of the interviewing process.
anon
Think of it as keeping yourself in the position to resign quickly without leaving a mess behind. You don’t want to get an amazing offer and then have to make the choice between (a) working like a dog so you don’t ruin your reputation at old company by leaving things undone or (2) accepting that people will talk poorly about all the unfinished business you left behind. When you leave, you want people to remember that your work was in order.
Anon0321
When I was in this position- I put an “end date” on my calendar that was 6 months from the moment I made the decision. It literally said “QUIT JOB!”. My idea was, that hopefully, I’d find a job, but if I didn’t by that point, I’d quit. Somehow this gave me the kick in the butt to really just go for it and apply for all jobs that I was even remotely qualified for & it really worked. I dunno if I would have had the guts to really quit at that point if I reached it, but I got my dream job about 3 months into it.
Jordan
Constantly updating my pros and cons list or exit strategy check list.
DisenchatedinDC
Anybody else having an off morning? I hit the gym before work – then almost blacked out and had to sit down before I could drive. I somehow forgot to pack my shift dress (???) so had to circle back home. And by this time, traffic on the GW Parkway was horrific and I was an hour late to the office.
Woof. And Mercury isn’t even in retrograde any more. At least it’s a short week!
AttiredAttorney
Yes! Before 9am, I had already spilled a whole cup of coffee down my camel colored dress. Thank goodness I had a back up suit in the car for a business trip tomorrow.
Anonymous
I forgot my phone at home, mother nature gave me a ‘present’ three days early despite being on birth control, and despite going to bed two hours earlier than normal I woke up so much in the night that I got about 4 hours of sleep. Yay Tuesday.
question
What face wash do y’all use that really removes your makeup? Or does everyone use makeup remover before washing their faces?
Wildkitten
I use standard cetaphil and it removes my makeup. a Clarisonic might help if it’s in your price range.
Anon
+1 Also use Cetaphil.
Alli
Has anyone had warranty issues with Clarisonic? Mine died this weekend. I got it a year ago, and it has a two year warranty, but I don’t have any record of that purchase. I’m going to call about a replacement, but their website sounds like they are going to want to see a receipt or credit card transaction to prove how long I have had it, and I don’t have any of that. Any ideas?
Wildkitten
Where did you by it? If you bought it online you should have an email receipt. If you bought it a department store they should have a receipt saved.
KP
I had one that I got as a gift and it died about 1 year after owning it (I was using it 1x a week). Clarisonic wouldn’t do anything for me without the receipt which I couldn’t get because it was a gift and so much time had passed. It was pretty disappointing and I decided to not buy a replacement for that reason.
New Anon
Cetaphil here, too, wiped off with a washcloth (so I wet my face, rub Cetaphil on, then remove with a wet washcloth). Depending on how lazy I’m feeling and how much eye makeup I’m wearing, I may hit my eyes with some eye makeup remover before using Cetaphil on the rest of my face.
mascot
CeraVe for my face. Sephora waterproof eye makeup remover for my eyes. I use the wipes if I am feeling lazy, but those don’t do much.
Anonymous
Cleansing oils are great for removing makeup. Shu Uemura is the best, but there are many more affordable brands, like DHC. It probably depends what type of makeup you wear, too. Waterproof makeup comes off more easily with oil, so I can use a cleansing oil to take off mascara, etc rather than use eye makeup remover. Though honestly you could just rub your face with any oil and then wash it after.
Rogue Banker
Cleansing oils are my favorite thing ever. The DHC is on the list to try when I’m done with my current bottle; I hear a lot of good things about it. Do you follow yours with a second cleanser or just emulsify the oil and rinse?
Carrie...
Baby oil for my eye make-up, Cetaphil for my face. Japanese scrubbing cloth thing in the shower for exfoliating in the AM.
TO Lawyer
I like Purity Made Simple by Philosophy but it’s not great with waterproof mascara. Otherwise, it’s pretty good.
cbackson
I use Simple micellar water.
Maddie Ross
Same. I love this stuff. Not sure if it’s because of it, but my face is clearer than it’s ever been.
NYC tech
Ponds cold cream, remove with a warm washcloth, follow up with a tiny tiny drop of facial cleanser (half the size of a pea, doesn’t matter which one) and warm water to remove the cold cream residue. It’s kind of like oil cleansing but less messy.
Batgirl
+1
Amy H.
+1
Anonymous
I use neutrogena makeup remover towelettes, as well as their eye makeup remover. Then I wash with cetaphil. I don’t think cetaphil alone removes makeup, maybe with a clarisonic, which I want but haven’t purchased yet.
New Tampanian
I use Fresh’s Soy Face Cleanser. It’s super gentle and gets all of the makeup (including eye makeup) off.
txatty
I use Omorovicza Thermal Cleansing Balm and a terrycloth washcloth at night – gets every last bit of makeup off – including budgeproof liquid eyeliner and mascara. I use Eve Lom Morning Time Cleanser in the (you guessed it) morning.
BB
Neutrogena Naturals makeup remover + face cleanser. I can never remember to use makeup remover before I get into the shower, so it’s nice to have something washable. I follow it up with another face cleanser, but I also have pretty easy to manage skin.
Bonnie
Clinique’s eye makeup remover followed by Clinique bar soap.
Emma
Olay daily facial cleansing cloths. They are really good at removing eye makeup. Then I use a little bit of Biore Charcoal cleanser with my olay facial brush in the shower.
Engagement rings?
How much do people spend on enagement rings these days? We are starting to talk about our budget and we have no idea where to begin. We likely won’t be able to pay all cash up front, so we are wondering if people actually finance rings or if that is just a terrible idea. I’m especially interested in people who stretched their budget and if you thought it was worth it. We both really want me to have a ring that is kind of flashy (but without crippling us financially). Thanks!
Anonymous
Anything from $0 to $1million +. Personally, I think it’s aggressively stupid to go into debt for sparkles. Your budget is the amount of money you can save before purchasing the ring. If you both want a flashy ring, either save up longer or buy moissanite.
Anonymous
Agreed. Don’t trade financial stability later for a ring. Many women (myself included) end up not even wearing them that often.
CountC
I’ve never wanted a diamond, but I like moissanite. It’s so much more affordable if you really want that big rock look.
Sydney Bristow
I love my moissanite ring.
I second everyone saying that you shouldn’t go into debt for your ring. Why start a marriage more behind financially than you otherwise might be?
Consider getting something you can afford now and upgrading later if you want, consider alternate stones, and look at Costco (their markup is far less than other places).
curious
I’m curious to see how many on here have a moissanite. I have no preference one way or the other. Do you feel the need to disclose it to others who comment on your ring? (Not that I think you do, just curious).
Sydney Bristow
I tend to disclose it when people comment. So far only friends have commented so I feel very comfortable telling them. Most have been really interested in it. My stepmom has also asked my dad to upgrade her ring to one.
CountC
With the caveat that I do not have an engagement ring at this point, but I would disclose it to anyone that chose to comment on my ring. I would never try to fool anyone into thinking it was a diamond and would want to be upfront about it. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I would have no problem telling people what it was.
lucy stone
I have a moissanite. If someone comments on my ring I’ll disclose, and have also occasionally brought it up to male friends who are considering proposing. My 1ct equivalent ring was around $1,000…much more affordable than the comparable diamond would have been!
Anon0321
Also in the moissanite camp (I think we spent about 1k for a beautiful 1 carat 14k gold one). My fiance/now husband wanted something flashy for me- it was weirdly important. I ran the finances in the relationship for years, even before we got married, and we had 200k+ in ed loans and I wanted to someday buy a house…. hell if I’d spend that kind of money on a piece of jewelry at that critical point in our life & finances (& don’t forget, weddings are expensive too!).
Anyway, was always super happy about the decision and haven’t thought about it twice except to think about how grateful I am that we didn’t blow all our savings on a ring (we are now debt free & have a year of expenses saved for a rainy day– still no house, yet…). I know a lot of ladies that have gone the non-diamond route as well (various precious stones) and have always thought their rings were lovely as well and probably cost much less than the equivalent in diamonds.
Anon0321
Just saw the thing about disclosing- no one has ever asked, and my husband had asked me at the time to not be super open about it, so I only told my parents— but personally I am proud of the fact that we put our financial well being first & aren’t supporting a trade that I have ethical problems with… so if it weren’t for him I’d be loud & proud about it. I now occasionally tell friends when they are stressed out about the expense & I even have some physics phd friends that LOVE their moisanite rings because of the scienc-y stuff behind it.
You do you- if you (or your fiance) don’t want to tell people, don’t… if you feel comfortable telling people, no one will say anything rude to your face about it.
FTR most of my friends had either ridiculously gorgeous family diamonds reset, decided not to do e-rings at all, or did something non-traditional with other types of gemstones. I think only 1 or 2 friends actually ended up buying pricey, regular e-rings, so I suspect lots of people feel this way & just don’t share it openly.
Cat
Buy what you can afford. Consumer debt is SUCH a bad idea.
Cat
To maximize sparkles for your budget, I’d prioritize cut (“ideal” or “very good”) and choose a shape that is sparkly – like brilliant cut, rather than emerald – and then go for size, then color, then clarity. A very sparkly ring can compensate for some inclusions that can knock a stone down on the clarity scale. A dull, cloudy diamond won’t give you that glittery look no matter how large.
Engagement rings?
I guess my question is – how do you decide what you can afford? Is it really just how much you can save up?
Anonymous
Yes! How much you can save up, whilst still taking care of your financial priorities.
I feel like you’re looking for an answer of “well, if you can save $500 a month now, just multiply that by 2 years going forward, and that’s your budget and you’ll pay it off.” But that’s just not a good plan.
Engagement rings?
I agree. I think we’d like to save up in advance, so I’m glad to hear that’s the right call. But how much does it take to get a good diamond ring? I would consider moissanite but I am really interested in hearing how much people actually spend on their rings. $10,000? $20,000?
Anon
My husband spent approx $25k, which he had in cash (although still had student loan debts too). We got engaged in our mid 30s and it’s not that uncommon of a price. I think DH felt like he had to live up to what was common practice in his family. I didn’t care at the time, but like having a big diamond now. I think it can mean a lot for a man to put that much I money into the marriage idea – I mean to him personally. I’d add that friends of the same socio-economic / education and job level who married in their 20s definitely have smaller rings, I’d say in the $6-10k range BC no one should be affording more than that in their 20s really. I agree – don’t go into debt for this ring unless you really have no other financial stuff to worry about (i.e., don’t have other debts, don’t need to pay the wedding or save for a down payment). but whatever you decide, definitely educate yourself about the products and maximize what you do spend. DH and I decided to splurge on size above all else (i.e. my big ass diamond has faults you just barely can’t see with the naked eye). I recommend Blue Nile.
Anonymous
Oh, if you just don’t know how much diamonds cost Blue Nile is great for that!
Cat
2nd the Blue Nile suggestion to get a ballpark idea of how the price of a diamond varies using the “4 C’s.” My ring is a brilliant cut solitaire on a platinum band, just under 2 carats, and was between $10-15K (there is a small visible inclusion, visible only when the ring is viewed from the side that faces up my arm, that helped keep the price down). For context, that was about 1.5 months’ combined take-home after-tax pay for us at the time and we paid in full.
Anonymous
Honestly, nobody I know even follows the 2 month’s salary rule. Most are less than $5,000, even thousands less, for my upper-middle class social group in the northeast. I’m not a ring/fine jewelry person, though.
anon
I suggest looking into lab-made diamonds. They’re chemically and structurally identical to diamonds dug out of the earth. Lab made are a lot cheaper, I think because people aren’t used to the idea. I believe ‘forever’ diamonds are lab-grown.
As a scientist, I use diamonds in my work and we find that lab grown diamonds are actually better quality than natural. By quality I mean better crystallographic quality which implies fewer chemical impurities (think this is ‘inclusions’ in jewelry-language) and crystal dislocations.
Aunt Jamesina
Just like anything else, yes, it’s what you can reasonably afford (this means *after* saving and investing appropriately, not just cleaning out your savings for a ring). I know wealthy people who have simple gold bands, or there’s my stupid cousin who works low wage retail who put a 1.5 carat diamond ring on credit (SO STUPID). What you spend has nothing to do with what others spend.
anon
By the same thought process you use to decide how much you can afford to spend on anything else that is nonessential. If you want to “save up” all your money for a year and blow it on a ring, by all means, do so. Just consider this one more item you need to account for in your budget. There’s no one rule that’s right for every couple. You say in your post “without crippling us financially.” Identify what that number is that will cripple you financially, and then work backwards from there until you find something that you’re comfortable with.
Anonymous
I don’t think you want to worry about avoiding crippling. That’s setting the bar awfully low.
I want you to have a ring you can easily afford (or afford with slight effort, letting nothing else slip).
Brunette Elle Woods
I think the more appropriate question is how much do you want to spend. It’s all about your priorities. Spending $15,000 on a ring may mean giving up other things like a more extravagant wedding or honeymoon, paying down student loans, downpayment on a house, etc. No one can tell you what you can afford. What are you comfortable spending while considering your other financial obligations and income?
mascot
You may be able to get flashy/sparkle without spending a lot. The type of stone, the cut, and the setting can all affect how the ring looks on your hand. I’d also ask around for where people bought rings/stones. Retail prices can be a little misleading.
Keep in mind that you will have the additional cost of insurance so you’ll need to add that to your carrying costs.
Blonde Lawyer
This is so true. I have an antique setting from my husband’s grandmother. It is hard to describe but it is open and raised so the 1/2 ct middle diamond is suspended in the middle of a bigger setting which makes it look like the diamond is significantly bigger than it is.
Lavinia
Mine might be similar. I think it’s a Belcher setting, and the diamond is an old European cut?
anon
We got engaged pretty young. My husband spent about $2K on the solitaire. I recently took it into a random jeweler to be cleaned and he told me it’s not real. I need to go to a reliable jeweler to actually figure out what’s up, but it made me realize that in our lives, it actually doesn’t matter at all whether it’s a real diamond or not.
anon
I found a shiny stone on the sidewalk about a year and a half ago. My friend teased me and said it was plastic. I kept it in a Senor Frogs plastic shot glass until my friend who knocked it over found it and said I should definitely take it in. It’s a real freaking diamond! Honestly I would have never known. Good think I kept it in that shot glass for safe keeping!
Aunt Jamesina
Don’t finance your ring! If you’re like most couples, you’ll have expenditures coming up to pay for your wedding. Buy what you can afford. In addition to the idea of moissanite, look at other gemstones and vintage rings. There are beautiful rings in all budgets. Consider upgrading at a landmark anniversary if you’re really sold on a flashy ring you can’t afford right now.
Diana Barry
+100. Going into debt for a ring is NOT a good idea.
Anon
I am embarrassed to admit that I had initially wished my ring was bigger. Eighteen months in, I almost wish we had skipped the ring, but am SO SO happy with my smaller ring (I splurged slightly in picking out my own wedding bands which added a lot of sparkle to the ring). There is SO much better stuff to spend money on (paying down debt, buying a vacation home, taking vacations, upgrading the house, experiences together) that bring us much more happiness that a piece of jewelry would. Trust me, after the wedding, the excitement of that diamond goes way down. As a side note, I’ve never felt that my ring distracted from my professional life (yes, this does happen).
KT
This–paying down debt and paying cash for a new car was more important to me than a ring, so I actually wore one from Claire’s for a while…I just recently “upgraded” to a $25 ring from Amazon. Hilariously enough, I get compliments on it all the time.
I am in no way saying everyone else should do this–jewelry isn’t very important to me (or to my husband)–but it’s good to take a step back and think about longer term goals/priorities. Would you prefer a ring or a downpayment on a house? No right/wrong answer, but really think about what you want.
Engagement rings?
Yes – we definitely won’t have a wedding. We already own a home and for marriage stuff, we just want a nice ring and a great trip somewhere!
Suburban
Similar experience, but mine is pretty flashy. (My grandmother gave my husband her large stone, so he spend all of what he had saved on a setting.) It got so much attention at first, but now I just laugh at it. It’s lovely, but it’s not important in the long run.
Anon for money talk
So I’ll give you numbers for anecdata.
I make ballpark 200K. Husband makes ballpark 45K right now (post-doc), and will probably be in the low 100s after the post-doc ends. He made less than this when we got engaged.
We paid $6,500 for my ring (a gorgeous diamond solitaire that we researched and got a great deal on) and paid cash (well, used the Amex but paid it off immediately – wanted both the miles and the purchase protection). It is beautiful – I get compliments all the time about the beauty of the stone and how sparkly it is.
I LOVE my ring, wouldn’t change a thing about it, and will never trade it in or up.
Engagement rings?
Thanks! This is so helpful!
KP
I’ll add to this- At the time I got engaged both myself and my fiancée probably made 60k each. We were new grads and on a definite upward trajectory (law). My husband used his bonus to buy my ring which was about $10,000. The diamond is about 1 carat and we got it from blue nile for about 6k. Husband wanted to get 1 carat so picked the best quality diamond available that would meet the budget. It is a very good quality diamond (don’t remember the stats exactly). The band was almost 4k (platinum, some diamonds on the band). If I had my time back I would sacrifice the quality of the diamond, because the whole VS VVS thing is a bit ridiculous since they are all beyond seeing with the naked eye. I would have went for a same weight lower quality diamond (cheaper), or a diamond of a heavier weight with lower quality (same price but “bigger”). FWIW I didn’t care much about the ring at the time and would have went without an engagement ring and just gotten a fancier wedding ring (or not), but it was important to my husband to buy me an engagement ring (traditional family values) so I let him.
Meg Murry
And for the opposite end of the spectrum, for those of us that read this and feel poor:
We got engaged while still in school. Paid less than $1,000 for a ring that is less than 1/2 carat. Wedding band with more sparkles was another $750-ish.
We’ve briefly talked about adding an anniversary band for a milestone anniversary, but haven’t prioritized it – vacations, replacing the furnace, etc always manage to come first, which is fine by me. Overall, I’m happy with my small ring – but I’ve never been one to wear much jewelry, and I have very small hands.
Anon
+1 $1500 for around 1/2 carat. Another $1200 on bands. I wouldn’t trade up.
Wildkitten
OTOH – This is why I don’t want to get a small ring and size up later – I just know it won’t happen. I’d rather save up and stretch now than buy small and plan to upgrade later.
Rural Juror
This. When planning the wedding money was tight so instead of getting the matching wedding band to my engagement ring, we got a cheaper ring with the intent of replacing it with the matching band maybe at our one year anniversary when money was not as tight. Fast forward a few years and I am still wearing the cheaper ring with no matching band in sight. Other things to spend money on always win out.
Meg Murry
Yup, I agree that chances are something else will always win out, but to be fair, it’s really not important to me – if it was, I think my husband would be willing to move it up higher on the list. But I suspect that its never going to happen, or if it does it will be many years from now (like 25 or 30 or more year anniversary) – and I’m ok with that, I think there are other things I want more, and even in the jewelry range I think I would want diamond earrings or a nice watch more than an anniversary band or other ring upgrade.
anonymama
I am really not one for flashy jewelry anyway, but I think there’s something kind of romantic about keeping the small ring you started out with, regardless of how much you can afford later… like, a reminder of where you started out in your relationship together, and how far you’ve come.
Yup
Yes, my husband got a 0.75 carat ring for about $900 (we had a hookup for a discount). Plain gold bands that cost about $500 together. Sometimes I feel like my ring is small, but it’s a nice reminder of where we came from.
And I agree that if you know you want a big ring, you should get it now if you can afford it. My husband lost his wedding band and we got him a sterling silver replacement because that’s all we could afford. Nine years later, he’s still wearing that.
CKB
We were also students and paid even less. I want to say all rings including our wedding bands were less than $1000. I didn’t want sparkles on my band – I love the look of a very plain wedding band. My ring has 5 diamonds – largest in the middle flanked by 2 consecutively smaller diamonds on each side. I think it would be fairly easy to put a bigger diamond in if we ever decided to, but after more than 20 years I’d rather travel. And I still love my rings. We picked the engagement ring out together & it was a very special moment that I wouldn’t trade. Others may think my ring is pretty small. That’s their issue. It’s perfect for me.
profmama
Same range. ~2K for engagement ring, wedding band with stones in it is around $1k.
Two months take home pay would certainly have bought more, but we’d rather travel, pay the mortgage, pay off student loans, etc.
Also, I have small hands, and larger than half carat just looks weird to me on my hands – like I’m wearing my mom’s jewelry or something.
lucy stone
$1,000 for a moissanite, wedding band was a family heirloom, so $25 to have it resized. At the time we made about 90k combined, we now make about 160k.
Simsi
I’ll also give you some numbers for comparison. I have a 1.6 carat ring, with a halo, and it cost around $12k (appraisal puts it at over $20k, but you should never pay what it appraises for). We got a pretty good deal, even though the ring is slightly colored if you look really closely in the right light. No visible inclusions. At the time I was making around $135k, and DH around $70k. DH paid for it in cash. I would also suggest going to a jewelry district if you have one in your city, that way you can shop around and you’re also likely to get a better deal.
Simsi
Edited to add that DH was starting a job that would double his salary when we got engaged. Without that immediate salary increase, I would have been concerned about the amount he spent (even though he had it in cash).
Sydney Bristow
I think my 8mm (approximately equivalent to the size of a 2 carat diamond) moissanite ring was around $2500.
Anon
+1 on colored stones.
At the time, I was making $150k (paying down student loans), fiancé ~$80k with no debt. Spent $4.5k for a sapphire (2 carat diamond equivalent) in a gorgeous pave setting plus matching band. I get compliments on it all the time.
More important to me was the fact that we are on the same page re finances and how we prioritize spending. I jokingly (but really seriously) said he couldn’t spend >$5k on a ring unless it would do dishes and vacuum for me too– and am so glad he didn’t spend more. We bought a house, went on an awesome honeymoon, etc. I know those are luxuries too but to us, more our style than an expensive ring.
Pricescope is a fantastic enabling resource, but may not help with managing your budget. :)
Meg March
More anecdata: We make about $160k together. Spent $2k on my ring, which we picked out together (i.e., I picked it out, he said, huh, well, that’s a ring). BUT that doesn’t include the main stone, which is a family heirloom that is appraised at about $10k (just the loose diamond). If we’d had to pay for the diamond itself, there’s no way we would have paid anywhere near $12k total.
Calico
We used my grandmother’s ring, so free. But if I wanted something flashy, as you said, I would consider shopping Craigslist. Obviously you take the ring to a reputable appraiser. But there are such good deals to be had since secondhand diamonds can be a hard sell.
moss
me too, grandmother’s ring. And then I got a titanium wedding band so I don’t even wear the ring with it anymore & the ring is now in the safe deposit box.
Anonymous
We ended up financing my ring. We went looking, I figured out what I liked and my SO bought it after saving for it for awhile. The reason we financed was because we got one of those 0% interest for 24 month deals and had 80% of the cash on hand. My advice – 1) Figure out what you like and then how much it costs. I wanted a bigger ring then I have, but when I realized that a really nice diamond that was the number of carats I wanted was going to be like 20k+, I decided it wasn’t worth it and picked a different style that I also loved. 2) I wouldn’t finance anything you don’t have the cash for (or close to) because weddings are ridiculously expensive.
Engagement rings?
I could see us doing something like this, but without the costs of an expensive wedding. We both don’t want that.
Anonymous
I think it’s incredibly stupid to finance a ring. If you can afford a $20,000 ring in cash, without taking away money from other important things, then go for it (if that’s what you want). Personally my ring was about $1,500. We had far more than that in savings at the time, but I’m not a big jewelry person and would much rather take an awesome vacation or purchase an investment piece of clothing like a Burberry trench coat with the money (or save it so we can retire early/give our kids a great life). If you want the ring and you are willing to spend your savings on that, then it’s your choice and more power to you. But going into debt is just crazy, imo. Remember too that weddings are incredibly expensive, honeymoons can get pretty pricey and lots of couples start wanting to get a house and have kids relatively soon after the wedding.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t finance an engagement ring. How about another stone? Mine is a sapphire, ( my birthstone ) with a diamond on each side. My band is an eternity band with diamonds and sapphires…which cost more than the engagement ring! Total about 4000. Or, how about no engagement ring and a substantial band? As far as diamonds go, it’s a balance of the four c’s and you really need to see several stones side by side to see the differences. Each stone is unique. Depending on the size, you might opt for better color, or more clarity. Never skimp on cut, that’s what makes the diamond sparkle. A ring with several smaller stones will cost less than a solitaire of the same weight. Blue Nile is a good place to get education.
Lyssa
A woman I work with has a sapphire ring (I assume it’s her engagement ring), and I look at it enviously every time I see it. It’s lovely, and the dark blue is as neutral as anything else.
Anonymous
My last three friends to get engaged have all gotten beautiful rubies or sapphires. It seems like non-diamond rings are becoming a bit of a trend lately, which I think is awesome. I love my tiny (<1/2 carat) diamond but would have loved a beautiful amethyst ring just as much.
anon
Word of warning: I got a non-diamond, precious stone. I always wanted this stone instead of a diamond, and I also assumed it would be cheaper. As did my now-husband when he started looking. It was most definitely not.
It’s also clear from some people’s reactions that they think my husband cheaped out by getting me a non-diamond. So, in addition to being a beautiful ring, it’s a great judge of character.
Suburban
Haha. Love this!
Anon
We spent 4K on a totally custom 3-stone halo setting but w gemstones rather than diamonds. Flashy and sparkles without the costs of diamonds.
Anon
Oh that included the wedding band too. And in platinum. Local jeweler.
Anonymous
DH spent $10K. It was important to him to buy a flashier ring. Honestly I LOVE my ring, wear it every day (except when exercising), so we think it was totally worth it. 2 years after getting engaged and 1 year being married I still tell him how much I love it. He saved up for about a year and paid in cash. We would never finance a ring, but I understand why people do so (it’s hard to save up that much!). He had no student loans or consumer debts though, and we are generally frugal, so it’s easier for him to save.
Engagement rings?
It’s really important to my BF that I have a nice ring too. Great story, thanks!
Anonymous
Why is this remotely important to him?
Anon0321
Dudes are weird sometimes, it’s hard to erase years of society telling them what is important- even my super feminist, amazing, non-traditional husband, thought this was important….
You take the good with the bad. :)
Anonymous
We both grew up without a lot of money and it symbolizes to him how far we’ve come. He says people will see my ring and judge him and he wants that opinion to be positive.
Anon
I think his desire to get you a nice ring is sweet. My husband was the same way and I had older male coworkers make comments about my guy being quality bc of the size of my ring.
CHS
Love my ring, love that he spent less than $3,500 on it and paid for it up front (we were probably making ~$120,000 combined at the time). I’m a big fan of cluster diamond settings in vintage rings, and found a modern purveyor that replicated the look. You get a long of bang (or bling) for your buck with the cluster look. I’ve had it for 8 years and it still tickles me.
Anonny
I’ll bite. At the time we made a combined $120k in HCOL area. We paid cash up front for most but took advantage of a 6-month interest free financing option from the jeweler. The ring was $4,500-ish.
Honestly, I wish we stretched another $1k more. We were 27. Today, at 31, our combined income is double. No question that we certainly made a responsible decision in buying what we did at the time. But, I am obsessive about saving and getting deals – but I wish my engagement ring was one thing I had somewhat splurged on at the time.
Anonymous
I’m the anon from below. I too am obsessive about saving and at the time was INCREDIBLY frugal. Which is why I almost threw up when I found out what DH spent (which thankfully was well after he proposed). But he told me it was not up for discussion, as long as I liked the look of it, and he didn’t want to have to “upgrade” in a few years.
It took me probably 3 years before I started to feel like he was right…
Anonymous
we were 25 when we got engaged. DH spent 13k, and it was paid in cash. that was about 8 years ago.
Neither of us would have wanted to buy something that would have to be financed. We both owned our vehicles outright, and were living a littel below our means to save up money (for all kinds of things). He didn’t want me to have to “upgrade” just because we got engaged young, so buying something at a pricepoint he would have been at in his 30s was important to him.
Anonymous
we were 25 when we got engaged. DH spent 13k, and it was paid in cash. that was about 8 years ago.
Neither of us would have wanted to buy something that would have to be financed. We both owned our vehicles outright, and were living a littel below our means to save up money (for all kinds of things). He didn’t want me to have to “upgrade” just because we got engaged young, so buying something at a pricepoint he would have been at in his 30s was important to him.
At the time, we made a combined income of about 85k (he more than me). We now make about 350k combined, but it has been a slow ramp up to that number (ie not just “done with law school = 150/yr”).
thank you
this is unrelated, but i just want to say, as someone who is a year out of law school and DEFINITELY not making $150k, its helpful to hear that itll get there eventually. Its hard to keep perspective on this sometimes.
Anon0321
Different poster- It took me 5 years and a lot of weird career paths to get to that point after law school, so if it’s important to you, you’ll get there eventually, if a little slower than everyone else. :)
Don’t let it get you down!
Anon from above
Actually- I didn’t go to law school. I do have a masters and DH has a masters and an MBA. I made 27k, then 55k (5 bonus) , then 85k, then 90 (+10 bonus)/110 (+25 bonus)/140 (+40 bonus) in each of my jobs/roles. DH was 55-80, 80, 115, 140, 175 with a year of unemployment and 2 years for grad school in the middle.
However…I work with lawyers and the one in my dept is 31 and makes 120 working 40 hrs/week. He does compliance.
buzzkill
Don’t finance your ring. Everyone has mentioned that weddings are crazy expensive, but the more important point is that divorce is crazy expensive too. You don’t want to have to keep paying for a ring from a failed marriage.
SH
Just over $8000. Before going shopping, I asked SO how he wanted to handle it, and he told me how much he was willing to spend. We were both in agreement that we didn’t want to go into debt for it, unless it was one of those 0% for X months thing. He paid in cash.
an
Got married sans ring. Upgraded 10 years later and spent 20k on a 2 ct cushion cut diamond that I love.
Note that cushion cuts will get you more diamond for your dollar, in terms of carat weight.
RingMoney
I got engaged earlier this year, my husband got the ring from Blue Nile for around 8K. He put it on blue nile credit card that was interest free for a year. Unfortunately he used all our wedding gift cash to pay off that damn Blue Nile credit card without even asking me first and I have been furious at him since. We have been married 3 months now, but he needs to get me my wedding gift cash back from his earnings/savings.
Whatever you do make sure you know how it is paid for and you agree with it. I realized my husband just wanted to get by with minimum expense on the ring. He did not even get me one until I insisted I will not send out any wedding invites without a ring. We both make sufficiently high income, no student loans, I bought my condo where we live years before we met and he just recently bought a new 2015 model luxury car. So he could very well afford the ring, he just did not make it a high enough priority.
Anonymous
This doesn’t sound like a marriage. He takes money for both of you without asking? You need to be paid back for the ring? Get an annulment before it’s too late.
Anonymous
While I agree he should have discussed it first (and I would certainly not spend $8K of joint money without discussing with DH), it’s not like he stole the money from her. He used joint money to pay for a joint purchase. The idea that the ring is the “man’s obligation” is incredibly antiquated. I think OP’s statement that “he needs to get me my wedding gift cash back” is almost, if not more, troubling than what her husband did.
Em
If he told her that he financed the ring with credit and was going to pay it off with their joint assets, sure. If she, as it sounds like to me, assumed that he paid for it with cash before they were married and then got an unpleasant surprise – no, that’s messed up.
Anonymous
Well-put. Its a bit of a concerning mindset
RingMoney
Correct, I didn’t know it was financed on a credit card and only found out it was paid off from gift money when I came back from honeymoon and asked about the gift checks as I was starting to write thank you notes. In busy wedding day logistics, I didn’t remember to keep an eye on the gift box, never imagined this would be an issue. I would have happily shared the cost of the ring but his parents (and him silently) insisted that bride’s family should pay majority of the wedding expenses, which we did. And we equally shared the honeymoon cost. So the least he could do was pay for the ring by himself instead of sheepishly cashing off all the checks in half a business day we had between wedding and honeymoon flight. This incident has broken my trust. I want him to replenish wedding gift money as he also wants to buy new furniture for my condo because he thinks my current IKEA/macys style is too cheap!! Why should I shell out cash for that? Yeah we have money issues to sort out in this very new marriage. Mind you, neither one of us is strapped for cash, both have high earning jobs and plenty of good savings but this stingy, one sided and secretive attitude infuriates me.
KT
This is some pretty serious issues you need to work out…and I really hope you have a good prenup
depends...
Hubs totally surprised me. I wasn’t expecting it at all. But, he went to the local jeweler, and bought a Hearts on Fire solitaire. He spent about $3k on it, and it’s just about a half-carat (and at the time, our combined income was less than $100k, and we owned a house). It’s very high quality, and he chose the HoF specifically for its brilliance. He told me we could get a much bigger stone if I wanted, but he chose the diamond he did because of the way it sparkled. He did buy it on store credit, but paid it off within the introductory period, so there was no interest incurred.
Fast forward 3 years after we got engaged, and he bought me a pair of just-over-1/2 ct-total-weight stud earrings. These were HoF off-brand competitor with the same sorts of features that HoF has. Those were pregnancy earrings.
Fast forward another 2 years, and we had the earrings & solitaire re-set in a new setting when I got pregnant with my second.
Now that $3k, 1/2ct HoF solitaire engagement diamond is a 3-stone treasure of my heart that represents everything that I hold most dear.
Anon0321
Awww, I love this!
Anonems
Got engaged this year. Didn’t want a diamond necessarily–just something pretty. He wanted traditional diamond, etc, got advice from his peers and went larger than I wanted. However, I am finally used to it and love it.
I know it was pricey but less than the car. :o) Cash purchase. while people mention saving up for a downpayment, paying off student loans and traveling, if you can do those things and get a ring, and you want a nice ring, why not?
Agree on prioritizing cut as my stone appears way larger than it really is (actually just over 2 but gets mistaken for way bigger).
Anonymous
We purchased a “used” ring through a marketplace online that acted as an intermediary. We negotiated with a seller, the seller then sent the ring to the intermediary who verified that all specs were accurate, as listed, and it was then sent on to us. While my husband ultimately surprised me with the ring, I suggested buying a “used” ring after reading an article about the artificial scarcity of diamonds. The article mentioned how you can never resell your diamond for anywhere close to what you paid. I am not superstitious and have no issues with wearing a ring that was once owned by someone else so I encouraged him to go that route. He would never have gone it this way without my permission, but I’m frugal at heart and probably love the ring even more knowing that we got such a great deal on it. Since I didn’t buy it I don’t remember the exact price, but I think he got the 1ct princess cut diamond with white gold band for around $3k.
Mom Jeans
Wise women, I need some advice. I’m buying some vintage jeans and I’m trying to remember how jeans fit 20 years ago. Were they generally a size smaller? I seem to remember that everything ran smaller, but we also wore clothes a lot looser. If I wear roughly an 8/29 now, would I be right to go up to a 10 in the old Levi’s tapered relaxed fit/Chic jeans/Guess jeans/etc of the day?
SilverSpringWanderer
Are the measurements available for the vintage pair of jeans? If they are, I would compare them to a pair of jeans that you own and like. One big caveat: 20 years ago not as many jeans were made from fabric with elastane (spandex) in it. If the vintage pair is rigid (no spandex), you will need to compare to a pair with no stretch in them.
Snickety
I think you’re right – they ran smaller but we wore wore them looser in the days of baggy jeans. The bagginess was in the hip and thigh, not the waist. So if you have a proportionally smaller waist, you might not need to size up.
anon
If my memory serves me, 20 years ago was probably one size difference, as you described. But 30 years ago might be 2.
Anonymous
And 20 years ago, the waist was above your belly button. Now the waist can be anywhere from your hipbones north. Maybe check the rise as well as the waist measurement to help judge what numbers you are comparing.
Runner 5
In my experience, jeans that don’t come anywhere near the natural waist are still sold with a waist measurement. Which makes zero sense to this pear.
Dress..
Not a fan of the dress, but THAT’S a cardigan for me.
Plus Size Wardrobe do over
Me again. A million thanks to the posters who encouraged me to go back to Talbots; I went to the store and tried a bunch of things on and found SO many things. They have some incredible pieces and I was able to create a mix and match wardrobe that should last me the better part of the year.
lucy stone
Yay! It really does look better in person than online, I’m happy you were able to find things.
adding machine
I’m in my first real relationship since my divorce. We’ve been dating for the past 4 months, and I’m happy, but I often find myself worrying over if we’re actually a good match. Most of the time, I try to tell myself to just relax, but I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t be worrying if I had nothing to worry about. I’m afraid of making all the same mistakes all over again. And yet…I hate being single, and it’s been so nice to have a person in my life again.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. Advice, commiseration, or encouragement all welcome.
moss
In what way do you seem mismatched?
adding machine
Basically, I fear he is a man child and not on my same level of maturity, despite being 4 years older.
Anonymous
Girl what? Nope nope nope. Move on quickly.
anonanon
Man child? No.
moss
Yeah that sounds like something that will only become more of an issue over the years. Have y’all travelled together yet? Nothing shows true colors like a trip. Put it to the test and take a long weekend together.
Brit
+100. I took a trip with an ex to DC and a month and a half later, we broke up. That DC trip really illuminated for me what a lot of friends had seen for months in the relationship
Brunette Elle Woods
Unfortunately man child = normal man in my experience. I’m not entirely serious, but I had an ex suggest that I keep snacks on me because he gets cracky when he’s hungry. If it is that bad cut him loose. Being single is so much better than being in a relationship with a man child. On the other hand, you’re newly single so if you are not exclusive you can always just have fun and not take things so seriously with him.
Anon0321
I actually do carry snacks on me for my husband- he is a wonderful man in so many ways, but one of his downfalls is that he does suffer from a mean case of the hangrys when he is hungry…. and it’s no even something he really realizes is happening until all of a sudden he’s getting snappy at me for the something ridiculous. To be fair, many women I know suffer from this too. He has never asked me to carry snacks for him… but I do it cause, it’s an easy fix for a simple problem!
Just wanted to say, you should weight the pluses & cons. There are some man-child things that are ok, and some that are not.
anon
I’ve got snacks on me at all times. Single or in a relationship.
krb
I’ll be honest – when I first met my husband 5-6 years ago, I thought he was totally too irresponsible and that the relationship would just be “fun for now” but that it had no future. Over time, he decided that he wanted to be serious with me, and I had to let him know what things he had been doing that were dealbreakers for me. Apparently it was worth it to him, because he made a lot of significant changes. Now my only remaining problem is that he refuses to kill spiders so I must do all the murdering in the house. So I guess you just never know, take it slowly. He might surprise you, depending on how badly the man child things bug you. If overall you enjoy his company, why not continue to hang out and see how it goes?
Anonymous
In my experience, when someone is a good match, I don’t worry. Maybe he’s a bad match. Maybe you’re insecure and not ready to be dating. Either way, hating being single as a motivation isn’t a great foundation for a relationship.
OttLobbyist
It is completely normal to worry about whether you are a good match, especially after going through a divorce. It makes you question your judgement and ability to read people. I don’t buy the “when you know you just know, and it’s all magically easy”. Rather than thinking on the issue of him being a man-child, maybe think more about values and specific life goals. If you both aren’t paddling in the same direction on those things, the boat isn’t going to get very far, to quote my grandmother. Good luck!
NYC tech
My husband just started a new job which is a HUGE step up in title/responsibilities/salary/etc. He just found out that he needs to attend a charity gala in a few weeks. He’ll be representing his new organization for the first time, and all the major power players in his field will be there, so he needs to nail this.
The dress code is black tie. Neither of us have been to a black tie event before (i.e. he’s never worn a tux, ever). Should he rent or buy a tuxedo? We can make the budget work for either option, but I’d rather not spend thousands of dollars on this, at least until we see if these events will be a regular occurrence.
Any recommendations where to go in NYC? He has good taste and cares a lot about clothes, so he really wants to look good. Is renting a tux tacky and will it be obvious to everyone? Can he even buy a tux on such a short timeline (plus all needed accessories)? Help!
Anonymous
I think renting is fine!
mascot
I’d rent. Once he knows if he needs a tux a few times a year, then he can look at buying. If he wants to buy something that is affordable, several guys I know have had luck at Jos Bank or Mens Warehouse (they also have rentals) or some of the suit warehouse places. He can put his money into more comfortable shoes, nicer shirts and better accessories.
Maddie Ross
Is this a one-off thing, or will he need tuxes again on the regular in his new job? If he’ll need it again (even one a year in my opinion), it’s worth it to buy. Tailoring shouldn’t take too long, so a few weeks should be more than enough time. Honestly, my husband has one from Jos. A. Bank and it looks just fine – super generic, but it’s well-tailored. He has an assortment of fun bow ties and cummerbunds/vests which help dress it up. A nicer tux shirt also helps. But if this is one off, renting is not tacky.
NYC tech
Thanks for the feedback everyone! Glad to hear that rentals could be a feasible option. I suspect he’ll end up buying one next time around, as I wouldn’t be surprised with the new job if this is a regular occurrence. Now I can just go pout that I’m not invited – no dress shopping for me!
jello
Just looked into this for my wedding. I believe renting a tux (in Chicago) was about $100. I think a good quality tux went for ~$500. I’d say buy if he’s going to wear it 2-3 times per year.
NYC tech
Thanks, that’s useful to know!
Anonymous
Another data point- when we got married, it was ~$250 to rent the tux (not the basic one). We ended up buying DH a $1500 tux and he has worn it at least 10x since then. He certainly has gotten more wear out of it than my $2500 wedding dress I wore exactly once.
He didn’t buy shoes as he already had a pair from his dad (who had them for 15 years and wore them twice!).
jello
oops! Just looked at the spread sheet and we paid $170.
Meg Murry
From the wise advice I’ve seen here – can you google and see if you can find pictures of previous years events, to see whether it really is a tux occasion or if it is a mix?
NYC tech
Yes, definitely a tux occasion from previous years’ photos. It’s a very fashion-conscious crowd (think like a benefit for an art museum or similar), and right or wrong, there is a lot of judgement based on appearance. It’s part of the job, and we know it, so we’ve been doing some deep dive research into shawl vs notched collars, pique vs pleats, and the whole deal. This whole NY socialite/gala scene is weird.
moss
deep dive research, LOL. :) Good luck!
SH
If it’s a fashion-conscious crowd, you may want to lean more towards buying vs. renting. I’m weird like this, but I can always tell who is wearing a rented tux vs. one that was custom tailored exactly to the person’s shape. It’s a lot in how the coat and pants hang, hemlines, seaming, etc. It’s like someone wearing a perfectly tailored suit vs. one they bought that morning – you can tell. If un-fashionable me can tell, then the very fashionable may be able to as well, and if it’s something he may be judged on, then it may be something you want to lean towards.
Bonnie
Buying is not much more expensive than renting. Macys dot com has tuxedos in the $200 range now.
NYNY
There’s a tux shop on the LES where you can buy a tux for around what you would rent it once for. Old school place, not fancy-looking at all. New Era Factory Outlet.
Also, if you go rental, there’s menguin dot com. Looks like RTR for men.
anonarama
Anyone have any experience with defined benefits plan as a solopreneur? A friend’s accountant recommended she set one up, in part because she had a big profit on a sale of a house, and she asked me for advice — seems like a lot of yearly administration costs for a murky benefit.
Anonymous
Like a SIMPLE plan – basically a 401k for small business, that allows for pre-tax contributions to a retirement account? Usually have a lower annual cap than regular 401ks. I’m guessing the set up is less involved (probably no plan documents if there aren’t any employees and just retirement).
Anonymous
To that end – the IRS website is probably the best resource (assuming a US jurisdiction).
anonarama
i’ll check it out, thx — I think they suggested the defined benefits plan because higher limits; there was talk of her putting in $100k in November and $100K in January.
Anonymous
Huh – read to quickly and was thinking defined contribution (aka 401k-type), instead of defined benefits (pension-type). I disclaim any knowledge about pensions for solos :) Unless its in the form of an annuity? Which I don’t know anything about, but think might be outside the realm of the IRS and more on the private insurance side.
Diana Barry
Any reason she can’t have a SEP IRA? My DH has one bc he is self-employed (a few different businesses) and the contribution limits are much higher with those too.
MNF
This strategy is really becoming more popular as an income tax savings device. The emphasis is not on return (in fact, they probably try to limit return to 5%) but rather on maximizing the income tax deduction. If she wants to put in $100k per year, she definitely cannot use a SEP. These plans are complicated and, yes, can be administratively expensive, but can really do a ton in current income tax savings.
Anon
CPA here. Not sure what her situation is but she should look into a individual 401k assuming she has significant self employment income. Unless she’s making an astronomical amount of money she’ll be able to put more into a i401k than a SEP. Most brokers are able to setup an i401k.
anon
How many of you would say you were crazy in love with your spouse when you got married, and how many of you feel like maybe you settled, or he was a good guy but there wasn’t any spark?
Anon for this
I’ve never felt what I would call “crazy” in love with my husband. Before meeting him, I had a whole series of relationships that to me felt like crazy love – intense love, but explosive fights. High highs and low lows and generally what you see in movies. And then I met my husband and it was like I immediately felt comfortable with him. Like he surrounds me and makes me better at the same time. But is fun to hang out with and talk to. I’m attracted to him, don’t get me wrong, but there’s nothing “crazy” about it.
Anonymous
Yes, this.
Me too
+1
happily married, comfortable, reliable, in love, but nothing crazy (thank God!)
Anon
This is how we are. We don’t have crazy fights or anything, but I am definitely attracted to him, get excited to see him, love being with him. In the beginning (we have been together 13 years, married for 10), we couldn’t stay away from each other and wanted to be together all the time. We were in school and working, but would find every spare moment to spend together. He is still my favorite person to hang out with and I feel so lucky I get to spend every night with him. He has turned out to be an even better partner than I could have ever imagined. I knew he would be good with kids and responsible, but he is so much more! My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and I had to spend some time away taking care of her and he stepped up so much at home with our three young children. Anyway, I love the comfort and stability he provides, but am also still so in love with him!
Anonymous
Are you thinking about settling for a guy with no spark? Great way to tee up your divorce plans.
anon
no, I’m married to someone I’m in love with, and there’s lots of spark. I remember a thread on here a few days ago that mentioned this and I was wondering.
Anonymous
Um….I mean hopefully that’s not the case for you. Married 1yr, together for 7. We were (are) in love. Maybe not obsessed with each other as you are the first 6 months of dating. But we were in love when we got married, and we were a good match in terms of values and what we want out of life (kids, religion, where we want to live, lifestyle, vacations, etc…).
Cat
I wasn’t “crazy in love” such that I was pure giddiness, thought every day would be rainbows and unicorns, couldn’t find any fault with my husband, etc. I was “in love” such that we had the chemistry/spark, and I was excited to get married, confident that we would continue to support each other and make each other deep down happy, even on rotten days or through a rotten year, and that I wanted to build a life together.
Scarlett
Crazy in love then, crazy in love now. My advice is wait for that. It’s worth it. I could have married a number of good/no spark guys and I’d just be lonely. It’s a lot easier being alone and wanting and waiting for crazy in love than settling and dealing with that decision ever after. I was 40 when I finally met my crazy in love person.
moss
me too. Head over heels. But my definitions of crazy might be different. We are very very solid and the spark is a volcano.
Anon4this
I love this! Curious, when you say crazy in love, how do you define that?
I have met someone that makes me feel completely unlike I’ve ever felt before. I am so comfortable with him that I feel as though we have been talking nonstop for the last 20 years (we have known each other for a while, but not been in touch the whole time and certainly not in a romantic way). I never hesitate to talk to him about anything. I never feel like he will judge me. I feel as though he will always have my back. I want to do everything and anything I can for him. We have ridiculous $exual chemistry. We are compatible in so many ways that it’s completely absurd. I think about him nonstop. I think about our future all the time. I think about making memories with him. I literally crave him – his voice, his laughter, his body, everything. We talk about the hard stuff, the really hard stuff, and we always respect each other and it just feels easy. Everything feels easy. I feel like we make each other better people and make each other want to be better people. GAH! I love it.
Scarlett
Anon4this – exactly as you describe it is how we feel about each other. We don’t fight or have anything “explosive” about our relationship. We are just incredibly well matched on every front & we both fell hard for each other. That continues every day. We both marvel at what we almost settled for with other people. And we also realize there’s a huge degree of luck involved. If we hadn’t met each other, we might have had a perfectly nice life “settling” with someone else, so there is a balance. But if you meet the crazy-in-love partner, it’s simply amazing.
Anon4this
I am so happy for you!! And for me. We are both falling hard. He expresses all of the same things as I said above. He was in a bad marriage for a long time and has come to realize EXACTLY what he wants in his next partner. As he says, I keep checking boxes he didn’t even know he had.
Scarlett
Oh Anon4this – I’m *so* happy for you, too! I want to copy/paste & save what you’ve written as you put into words how we feel. It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?!
Anon4this
Save away! It’s almost verbatim what I wrote to him in one of my letters. Because I am cheesy and write love letters. :) Very, very amazing.
Jen
Both, and neither. I was very good friends with my husband before we dated. We were both seeing other people, but spent a ton of time together. Then he broke up with his girlfriend and I realized I didn’t want him dating someone new–I wanted him dating ME (this was not at all the case while they were together). We dated, slept together, and were the best of friends for a good 3 years. I think it was a little more like great friends-with-great benefits than crazy madly passionately in love. We did not write each other sonnets :)
We moved in together, went to grad schools in our city, and life continued on and at some point, each of us considered what life would look like without the other person in it. He proposed, we got married a year or so later, and that was 7 years ago. We’ve known each other more than a decade and grew up together. I don’t feel like I’ve settled– he and I are very good compliments to each other, and to the extent we are both difficult people, we really deserve (and understand) each other. We have a fabulous little kid and are very aligned on how to raise children. We both make good money at jobs we like and I really don’t see how my live would be better with anyone else.
Anon0321
This is me too- I was friends w/ my husband for a couple of years before dating him & thinking “he would make an amazing boyfriend for someone” and then I realized… why shouldn’t that someone be me!!?
8 yrs later, I love him more & more every day. I definitely don’t feel like I ever felt “crazy” for him the way I did for some earlier (& might I add, rather unhealthy) relationships I had, but my heart wants to explode a little every time I think about how much I love him, how happy we are, how well we fit together, and how lucky I am to have him in my life.
Anon
I don’t feel that I was/am crazy in love with my husband, but I didn’t doubt that I wanted to marry him and don’t regret it now, and I definitely don’t think that I settled. Going grocery shopping or running errands with him is one of my favorite things to do because I genuinely enjoy being with him and he makes my life (and all the mundane details) better. A lot of the excitement of my previous relationships was because there was a constant fear of losing the other person (because they were unreliable, cheated, etc.). I hit a point where I didn’t want that “excitement” in my life anymore, and decided I wanted someone in the long run that I could depend on and trust. Maybe that makes me boring, but I’m happy, so I’ll take boring any day.
#foreversingle
I had this discussion with a friend yesterday after I made a comment that I had been to a lot of events lately with couples and tended to get paired off with a single Guy friend. She said maybe that was our friends telling us something and asked how I would feel about that.
And my response was, it would be very safe. He has his shit together and I find that in and of itself very attractive, and is a great friend who I trust very much and enjoy spending time with. But there is no “spark”. And I go back and forth on if there would have to be for me to pursue it.
Anonymous
On the other hand, I never feel a spark until we start kissing. It’s a slow burn kinda process.
anon
+ a million. Sparks can unexpectedly flame up.
#foreversingle
That’s actually a little terrifying…
Anonattorney
Crazy in love. Was so in love that I couldn’t eat. Stayed that way through a 5-year relationship, got engaged, got married, had a kid, and am more in love with him now than ever before (9 years later).
Anonattorney
Clarification – I did, quickly, regain my appetite. I was just so preoccupied with him the first month or so of the relationship, and so giddy, that I was honestly too excited to be hungry. It was weird. :)
Calico
Same! I had to comment because I’ve never heard of anyone else doing this. I couldn’t eat for the first month of dating. I had a long work trip scheduled one month in and that’s when I finally felt hungry again. I lost so much weight that it was weird, and had to keep telling my SO that I wasn’t going to look like this always.
Anon
Me too! I was afraid that my now-husband would think I had an eating disorder because I could hardly eat anything for the first month or so that we were dating.
Meg March
I’m currently engaged, so I don’t have the benefit of hindsight yet, but I’m crazy in love. Not in terms of being actually crazy– we’re not the “intense love with explosive fights” someone mentioned above. But every time I think about him I still get those giddy butterflies, even after 7 years together.
fg
I settled. 2 kids, he’s very kind to me and a great dad, but I’ve never been very sexually attracted to him. It is work to be intimate.
I know it sounds nuts, but I came from a chaotic home…after a few years of counseling, I’m realizing that I probably married the first person I was confident would not terrorize the family or molest my kids. Those were my only 2 boxes to check.
anon
Did you think you were settling at the time, or is it something you came to realize later?
Fg
Kinda knew it at the time.
Realize it more as time goes on.
Anon
I was/am crazy in love with DH and hate to be apart from him. That said, maybe I settled on certain things, like I make more money and he may never be the breadwinner (although he’s trying to get there!) Is that settling or prioritizing what you want the most? I don’t know.
Fashion/Shopping Help
I’ll be attending my graduate school reunion reception at the end of October in Chicago. It’s at a fancy-ish hotel, cocktails, dinner and music. What to wear? I already tried googling and am not finding any images. Help!
an
Lbd. Or cocktail dress in flattering colour. Comfy dancing shoes!
Anonymous
A cocktail dress.
Anonny
What day of the week? Mon-Fri I’d be in work attire – sheath dress with heels.
OP
It’s a Saturday night
Anonymous
Testing Testing
Bonnie
This may be the strangest bag I’ve ever seen: https://www.shopbop.com/plush-panther-bag-kate-spade/vp/v=1/1552650475.htm?folderID=2534374302076306&fm=other-viewall&os=false&colorId=12867
Former Middle School Mom
Animal shaped bags were all the rage among girls my dd’s age when she was in middle school (8? years ago). I don’t think anyone spent Kate Spade type money on them, they mostly came from Claire’s and JCP.
Wildkitten
Oh my. Kate Spade makes some really weird stuff but that takes the cake. Maybe they are hoping it will sell well abroad?
Career Advice
Currently a first-year at a small firm and looking to get out. The firm I clerked at in law school just contacted me because they are looking for an associate and thought of me. The only caveat is that I essentially wrote off this practice area when I “decided” which area I’d ideally like to practice in. At the same time, my mentor at this firm is an amazing and well-respected litigator in my relatively small legal community, so arguably the skills I learn from him will transcend the practice area. Am I going backwards if I take this?
Lorelai Gilmore
Hard to tell without knowing the variations on practice groups that you’re talking about. However, if you’re a litigator, of any stripe, it seems hard to beat the opportunity to work with a mentor who is amazing and well respected in the community. If you’re a litigator, take the new job. If you’re trying to get out of litigation, there’s no point in working with a litigator.
OP
Thanks for your input. I know my original post was a little cryptic, but it kept getting caught in moderation when I provided more detail.
My mentor’s practice is not limited to criminal defense litigation, but that is primarily where my skills were utilized. I worked on really high level criminal matters, so I always felt challenged. I pretty much wrote off criminal law after that–partially because I couldn’t fathom starting at the bottom.
I’ve since hoped to break into health law. I’m getting some med mal work at my current firm, but not enough to make me want to stay. I had an interview at a regional mid-sized firm 2.5 weeks ago for a med mal litigation position. I was told at the end of my interview that I would be getting a call to set up a second interview, but haven’t heard back yet.
Anon
I am very newly pregnant and we do not want to share the news with people until we are further along and know everything is going well. I am suddenly feeling very overwhelmed about how to hide it from people. I have regular work events involving alcohol and normally meet friends for dinner and drinks all the time. I am dreading the awkwardness of people realizing that I am no longer drinking and I am looking for any tips or tricks that people have used to hide the fact that they are not drinking. TIA for any advice!
Meg March
Congrats!
Some tricks I’ve seen recommended here before: get a soda with lime in it in a cocktail-sized glass, if it’s a cocktail hour you can hold a drink and not drink it (just keep putting it down on a table and walking away), tell people you’re getting over being sick, or taking a new medication that reacts poorly with alcohol.
Also, most people won’t even notice, TBH, although some people are apparently always on the lookout and think it’s “so obvious.”
Em
People notice but most people are polite enough to say anything – and my feeling on this is, if someone notices but is polite enough not to say anything, does it really matter? If, God forbid, something happens, they will also be polite enough not to demand explanations from you. If it all goes well, then you will tell them and they will pretend to be surprised. It’s all good.
Anonen
Everyone has different tactics. And based on what I’ve been told on this site before, allegedly everyone will guess you’re pregnant. But what worked for me was getting “super busy with work.” Like so busy that I couldn’t go to happy hours for a bit. I would “squeeze in brunches” but would have a cup or two of coffee (which I was fine allowing myself) instead of a mimosa, because I had to go to the office afterwards. For work stuff, I would alternate between holding/sipping a glass of wine then bowing out because I had to go back to the office or sneak home. Or having a plain soda with a twist.
Anon2
Good luck–I just went through this and was pretty proud of myself for what I thought was successfully faking it for 12 weeks. But almost every single person I’ve told has immediately announced that they “knew it,” often because I wasn’t drinking (or fake drinking enough). I was able to get away with some fake bloody marys for awhile. Side note–I’m not sure why so many people think that telling you that they knew you were pregnant is a great reaction–a simple congrats would have been a little nicer, I think :)
anon
my friend got a bottle of beer, dumped it out in the bathroom (toilet) and refiled it with a water bottle she had in her purse. Genius.
Anon
I’m 13 weeks and hiding it too!! To the tricks mentioned, I’ll add getting a beer on a dark bottle and just not drinking it (much). Also, i told one trusted friend who would sip my drinks or give me her empty glasses to hold. I agree people suspect but shouldn’t ask and you just deny it if they confront you. Also, you can pretend to be on some crazy diet that’s making you give up sugar, alcohol, carbs, but then you have to think about what you eat in front of people too. Also, I’ve decided that lite drinking is ok (as in the UK recommendations), but to each his own.
Susie
Trying to decide what color watch I should get, what would be the most versatile? Just looking for a basic one for everyday use, ~$200-300 and can’t decide between gold, stainless steel, or leather. I don’t generally wear jewelry.
Runner 5
Anything neutral – I used to have brown leather and now have rose gold. If you tend to wear a lot of slimline sleeves then I’d go for leather (my metal watch is fairly chunky – a Fossil ‘boyfriend’ one – and often slim sleeves get stuck on it). Also note that the metal is just very slightly less comfortable – used to sleep in my leather watch but I don’t sleep in the metal one.
In the metal watch’s favour, however, is that it makes it look like I’ve made a bit of an effort – I also don’t wear jewellery (or, I wear a simple necklace – never earrings and very rarely bracelets) and I feel that the shininess of the watch makes it look like I’ve tried.
If you’re sparkle-averse (as I am) the challenge will be finding one without sparkles on it. Mine is rose gold all over and has mother-of-pearl on the inset dials (for date, day, and 24-hour clock) but otherwise is really plain. I love it.
new sharp suit needed
Im presenting at a conference later this month. My body shape and weight has been fluctuating since I’ve been training for different endurance events (i.e. century cycling ride, triathlons, etc.), and am a bit more pear shaped with larger thighs than I used to have. I’m looking for a new suit so I feel more confident and look great for this upcoming presentation. I’d prefer in person shopping since my body shape has changed a bit. I am probably a 8 on top and a 10 on bottom (depending on the cut). Suggestions?
I’m mainly in Court, and have a lot of older (2-5 year old suits) that I currently wear. I’d like something a little nicer/more special for this big presentation.
Anonymous
Reiss has super sharp suits, in my opinion. I’d do a skirt suit.
Anonymous
I’d second a skirt suit, if nothing else because I think finding a skirt that fits is easier than pants.
I’d suggest Elie Tahari for something modern, Boss for more classic, and Akris if you want to splurge.