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Workwear sales of note for 3.24.23:
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – 40% off dresses & tops
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off select styles; 25% off markdowns
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- What are your favorite parts of a typical day?
- At what point in your life (age, income level, whatever) were you able to take an annual vacation?
- What shoes can I keep at the office to go for mid-day walks (that go with everything)?
- How do you release stress or trauma that’s stored in the body?
- What are the best “networking for women events” you’ve ever been to?
- I feel like we’re burning through any savings we acquire…
- I hate my job and make 30% of what DH makes – should I quit?
- What do you keep in your office?
Hi ladies, outfit help needed please. I’m looking for some cute, comfortable, flat, inexpensive booties to wear with skinny jeans. For reference, I liked the look of these from macys (when they were on sale for $29): http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/rampage-brixee-booties?ID=975580&CategoryID=25122&LinkType=#fn=BOOT_HEIGHT%3DAnkle%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D906%26ruleId%3D78%26slotId%3D3
– but they didn’t fit me very well. I would love to find some quality ones on sale rather than just cheapo ones, but I know that may be hard. Would like to spend less than $50. Any recommendations?
I haven’t tried any of these, but 6pm.com is having an email-only comfort boots sale through Saturday. This link should hopefully take you to the booties in the sale:
Many are under $50. There’s also a coupon code for 10% off that only works today. It’s 6PMC1121131072 . It’s limited to the first 20,000 customers, so it may or may not work for you.
Loehmanns has a crazy shoe sale, and there are some low-heel boots.
These are similar, although not nearly as inexpensive: http://www.dsw.com/shoe/white+mountain+overture+wedge+boot?prodId=285717&activeCats=cat10006,cat20173,dsw12cat1100004
Also, I think some of the Steve Madden combat boots are really cute and would look great with skinny jeans.
Be careful about White Mountain. I bought a pair of booties from them at TJMaxx and the logo rubbed off. Underneath it was a Merona logo – you may as well just go to Target.
i’m a DSW addict, and they have great prices on shoes that are better quality than Rampage all the time. Born, Coconuts, Steve Madden. I would just go to DSW and search by your size under booties and go to town. ;0)
I have last year’s version of these, and they are super comfortable, I wear them basically every day. http://www.dsw.com/shoe/diba+kayden+bootie?prodId=253892&category=dsw12cat1100004&activeCats=cat10006,cat20173,dsw12cat1100004
Fair Isle Sweaters: I’m seeing an a recurring theme of fair isle sweaters with a very simple design. I know Fair Isle sweaters have been popular for many years but I’m loving this new minimalistic trend. I’ll post a couple of links to follow.
See, these just take me straight back to 1983, because they were all the rage when I was, never mind. I’m not telling you how old I am.
I’m not sure if I love them or if they remind me to much of my Mork and Mindy rainbow sweater from 8th grade.
I wore mostly Fair Isle sweaters in high school, in the early 80s.
Lo & Sons Q
H3ck yes! I had a bunch of these back in high school in the early 80s! Funny thing was, around 2001 they came back in style for a brief moment in time and I bought about 3 of them from J. Crew. Some may even have had elbow patches!
I totally had one from JCrew in 2005 with elbow patches that I wore until it fell apart!
I kind of love Fair Isle sweaters. They make me feel norweigan, or something. Keep the rest of the outfit minimal and pair with skinny jeans plus nice brown boots. Bam. I was in on the 2001-2002 trend of them and the one I had was super cozy and thick.
I love them, too. I’ve gotten one each of the past three years from Boden, but I REALLY love a few of the ones Mountain Girl posted… The Talbots and/or Vineyard Vines ones may come home with me…
Been waiting for coffee break, so I can post my question.
My partner has single-handedly run a small non-proft for the past 9 years. It requires a very particular use-or-lose skill-set that he has developed through his graduate degree and work on the ground. He is known to be one of the best in the world at what he does. Basically, his work is pretty amazing, and I’ve always been really proud of him. If he leaves, the non-profit folds.
An opportunity has come up with a much larger non-profit, for him to potentially join as an executive. It is in the same general field. It would involve much less travel and would more than double his income. But it would mean wrapping up the work that he has dedicated the past decade to, and he would no longer be utilizing that use-it-or-lose-it skill set. Instead, he would be supervising people who do what he does now. He wants to take the opportunity, because we are trying to conceive and he would like to be home more and make more money. I am so scared that he is going to regret making this choice. There really is no going back if he takes the job and decides 6 months later that he hates it.
Has anyone faced a similar cross-roads? Grateful for advice.
One of the best in the world? That’s fabulous. And also makes me wonder how any company could possibly want him to lose that skill set entirely. He’d be supervising people performing this task? Couldn’t he take a hands on role from time to time to keep it up?
unfortunately, it is one of those crazy things that really requires full time dedication. He can keep it up as an interest, definitely, but not at a professional-level. I think he is getting tired of how incredibly hard he works for relatively little money, and may be ready to make the transition. The analogy that keeps popping into my head is a pro athelete getting ready to coach
In that case, I’d look at it less as closing off an opportunity to do thing x, and more as opening up lots of opportunities to try things y, z, t, and 7. Sure, he might not like this new job, but so? Then he finds another new challenge. It sounds like he has goals and values beyond his job so I think he’ll be fine.
I enjoy technical work a lot, but progression to supervisory duties felt natural to me and I am becoming good at it, because I know so well the technical work that my reports do (also because I like working with people). However, I wanted to get ahead in my company and being a supervisor was part of that, so there really wasn’t a dilemma.
Based on my experience, I’d ask if your partner has supervisory experience and whether he enjoys working with people on all levels. To me this opportunity seems a step-up for him and will help not just his career but personal growth.
Not directly, but I have felt my technical skills weaken as I’ve become a manager, so I would say to think carefully about whether he’s a do-er or manager. I think it’s inevitable in my field though.
I have never been in this position, but I heard a suggestion, I don’t know if it was on here, or somewhere else. It was about sitting down (I think together) and imagining what each different life would look like in 5 /10 years, etc. So, what would life look like in 5 years and then 10, if he stayed at his current job. And if he took this new job. And try to think about all aspects, his work, home life, kids, school for the kids, how to spend weekends, everything. Then you have the comparison of the two, and you can each think more about what this decision means. Maybe that will help make the decision more clear.
This also might be a good opportunity to go to therapy. There are many who specialize in ‘major life transitions’ and this definitely qualifies! It might be a good thing to go as a couple to someone who can help you with different tools and exercises like the above to just help you think through the decision and with the transition either way.
And my last point, is this Dear Sugar post, because apparently it is legally required for me to repost this every where and every chance i get, I guess I should just go with it instead of resisting; http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
thanks, Zora. That post is amazing. I may start using it everywhere I can too.
aw, you’re welcome!! I am someone who freaks out about “what if” like 24/7. So, this post is basically always in the back of my head now, I’m trying to learn how to be an adult. ;o)
You say he wants to take this new opportunity, and it sounds like he has good reasons for that. With all love and respect to you because I know your heart is in the right place, I’m not sure it’s your place to second-guess him because you fear he will regret his decision. He’s an adult man and I think this is his decision to make.
My advice is to support him in his decision, and to offer advice and counsel only if he asks.
Thanks, Senior Attorney. That was an appropriate (and loving) reality-check. It feels like he is doing this for me and our future family, and that’s heavy. I have never had the opportunity of being truly great at something, and I can’t imagine how it must feel to consider walking away. But you are right that he is a rational decision-maker and this is 100% his choice.
Aw, big hugs to you! Thanks for taking it in the spirit in which it was intended!
Yay! I was abel to avoid Sam today when he showed up in the office b/c I was useing to hallway toilet and saw him come in just as I was shutting the door. This is about the ONLEY time I have to thank Frank for takeing up residence in our toilet and makeing me use the hall toilet b/c if I were in there Sam would have nabbed me for sure! Thank’s Frank.
As for this cape, I love NIEMAN MARCUS, but cape’s make me look fat, or alot like Mary Poppin’s, and even tho there is NOTHING wrong with her, I prefer to be warm, and cape’s do NOT do this for me. I finaly had to break out my DOWN coat b/c walkeing to work has been very challengeing in the cold. Hopefully, it will be easy if I am warm, tho I will NOT walk as fast and my tuchus will not get as much of a workout.
Dad’s fitbit has arrived, and he said he was goieng to come into the city to walk with me on Saturday. I said OK b/c I want dad to see how much work it is to walk so many step’s every day. I am goieng to see if he can do the walk from 78th to 32nd like I do every day, but I will NOT make him walk back. He will probabley just go to PENN Station and colapse on the train goieng home. He said he got 2 fitbit’s–one for mom b/c her tuchus need’s a workout but I do NOT think mom will use it.
Tonite I am meeting Pam, an old freind from college at a bar on 3rd Avenue. I have not seen her for year’s but she is here on busness even tho she is MARRIED. I hope she has good storie’s to tell. I know her husband Stan from college. He alway’s smelled like warm milk. I think that was b/c he alway’s was eateing cheeze and yogurt. FOOEY!
If he’s making this choice willingly, I wouldn’t worry too much. A few years after my PhD I made a career change that required my technical background, but didn’t use my technical skills on a daily basis. I really wanted the new opportunities, though I worried I’d miss the technical work. For about a year I tried to keep my skills sharp (hard to do part time), but I quickly found that I didn’t really miss it as much as I thought I might (now I don’t miss it at all). I can still apply my technical skills if necessary, but I’m much slower than before.
That said, I still have the strong foundation, and I’ve been able to use that along with a host of other skills I’ve developed in other types of positions to do things that no one with only my technical skill set or my other “softer” skill set could do. In the end, I’m really happy with my choice.
If your partner sees this as a new opportunity to develop new skills and take on a new challenge, I would just wish him luck. If the only reason he’s doing this is for more money, you might try to engage him in a more soul-searching conversation…though in the end the choice is of course his.
Tips for a spouse who doesn’t quite realize how unsupportive he’s being? I’m 33 weeks today, with my in-laws coming in for Thanksgiving next week (this was my idea many months ago when I was naive and unrealistic). I know DH’s heart is in the right place, but he’s just not getting that saying sorry isn’t enough to make up for not being there when I need him. We have a ton to do to get ready for in-laws and the baby (new house in the midst of a remodel…yes, also naive in retrospect). I really need DH to come home really enough to do things around the house, since this coming weekend (or all the weekends until I deliver) won’t be sufficient to get things in order. And to be clear, I’m not talking about perfecting the paint in the nursery; I’m talking about things like putting together the crib.
DH says he wants to come home earlier. He says that his responsibilities have shifted so that he could come home much earlier, like 5 or 6 (this will be key to relieving our childcare when I go back to work), and finish reports etc later at night. He says this is what he wants to do; but so far it hasn’t happened. Last night, at 5:30, he told me he’d be home by 6:30 so he could finish up dinner (most of it was started in a slow cooker, by me, in the AM)…which meant there’d be food when I got home from my gym class at 7:15. Well, no DH when I got home. He showed up a bit past 8pm, extremely apologetic. After dinner he started to work on the few things I wanted to get done, but fell asleep an hour later…since obviously working 11 hour days makes him exhausted. And we’ve tried to do the create a list of tasks and divvy up to be done on each other’s schedule thing, it hasn’t worked either. There is still stuff from his list that hasn’t been done for months.
I know he knows that I need more support, and I know in his heart he wants to. But he isn’t. And it stresses me out for what things will be like when baby comes. We’re on the same page when we discuss responsibilities, but his actions so far don’t back that up. I’ve hired a mother (to be)’s helper, which is great, but she can’t do everything. And I guess it’s lucky that my job kind of sucks right now so I have some flexibility, but in the long run this isn’t healthy. I gave up a job I loved so that we could be in the same city (DH had no luck finding work closer to where I was), and now I’m just frustrated with my new position. I know I shouldn’t focus on the future, but I just don’t see how this current situation will improve and be conducive to my ever getting back into a career that I want in the long run.
Not sure where to start with your actual question, but for getting things done, do you have Taskrabbit in your area? (I use them all the time for things that would be on “honey-do” lists). Sounds like you’re in a situation where it might be a good idea to just throw some money at the things that need to happen and get them done and sort out the issues with your H later on.
Wow, I think you’re me. Before-baby-arrives to-do list a mile long (now more of it going into the “I can’t help” category as I get bigger — tried to get him to focus on this when I was still fully mobile and able to move furniture, etc.). DH staying at work way later than he promised. [email protected] job off my career path. No advice, just lots of comiseration. Will definitely be following this post.
It sounds like normal pre-baby stress is contributing to misunderstanding on both sides. Maybe your partner is worried about “supporting the family” with a baby coming, and doesn’t want to neglect his job. Yes, putting the crib together is important, but you can probably get a handyman to do it for a few bucks (maybe under $50). Your own job frustration is probably getting to you too. It’s good that you hired a mother’s helper, and I’d encourage the idea of outsourcing time-consuming chores that can be handled by others, especially if the cost is not too great.
I second this. I don’t know how handy your in-laws are (in my case, my mom is much handier than my dad!), but maybe they could help put the crib together and help with the house? They have to realize that being pregnant, going through a remodel, and trying to get a nursery/home ready for baby plus holiday trimmings are uber-stressful, so I’m sure that if your house is less than perfect or if you end up outsourcing Thanksgiving, they will understand (and if they don’t, well, that’s their problem).
I don’t feel like it’s the in-laws’ job to put together the crib (they may not be physically able to or just not want to), but they should certainly be understanding about not placing demands on your time and energy. So yes, takeout for Thanksgiving is good, plus moral support should be the bare minimum.
And as a few of us veteran parents are pointing out, no one is every really ready for the baby. As long as you have diapers and stretchies and a bassinet or pack and play (whatever it is nowadays), the baby will be OK.
It’s not their job but they might enjoy helping out. Some people actually enjoy assembling furniture, especially if they are long past their Ikea days themselves.
As a veteran parent, I can tell you you don’t even need diapers. You’ll leave the hospital with enough to get through the first week. You do need somewhere for the kid to sleep, but it probably won’t be a crib in the nursery. More likely it will be a bassinet, pack and play, whatever in your bedroom. Rock and plays are super popular these days. There is a recall out there for mold issues if you don’t clean it properly, but, seriously, of the dozens of moms I know who recently had kids, every single one used it. Even my friend who is a pediatrician used it.
I wanted to punch people who told me “it would all work out” when I was pregnant, but, it *will* all work out.
I wasn’t suggesting it was their job, but some in-laws might want to help if they were asked. Just a suggestion.
In laws will definitely be understanding…though for physical reasons not that helpful. SIL and her family are coming too. In theory they could be more helpful, but I think the logistics of keeping their little ones out of danger in our unsafe (imho)-at-the-moment house might eat up their time. They’re also not in town very long. And they’ve all decided that driving in our part of the country is too stressful so they don’t want to rent cars…they rarely travel. Right now I’m lobbying DH to at least send a car service instead of fight through T-giving traffic to pick them up.
Dinner is actually the thing I’m least stressed about. I love to cook, and T-giving actually lends itself to doing a lot of the prep work beforehand (the only part I don’t really love, but I have help for chopping etc). I cooked it last year while, as it turned out, I was having an early miscarriage…and it was more relaxing for me than stressful.
Asking someone to help you put together furniture? They probably won’t want to but it would be hard to politely refuse.
No advice on what to tell your husband, but practically speaking, can your in-laws help when they come visit? This may not work for every family (as some in laws just want to kick back and relax instead of helping around the house), but in my family when someone has a baby all hands are on deck to make sure things are ready and get some cooking/cleaning done for the expecting couple/new parents.
From a purely practical standpoint, can you triage the stuff on your to-do list and cull out on the essentials? For example, if the baby is going to sleep in a bassinet/co-sleeper in your room, then you can build the crib after he’s born. I don’t think we actually finished my first son’s nursery until he was a month old….
As for your bigger point, have you talked openly and honestly about this and your concerns? It will be a little rough transitioning for the first few months after the baby is born and you both go back to work as you work out a routine.
Agreed. Believe it or not, from a practical standpoint, the crib isn’t too important unless you plan on having the baby sleep in it from day one, and even if this is your plan, you never know if the baby will go along with it. We did bassinet in the master bedroom for the first 2 months (pediatrician pushed for 6 months per AAP, but we were comfortable moving him out earlier). Almost everyone we know with babies used the Rock n’ Play, which seems to be the preferred bed of babies these days, especially babies with any reflux issues. Pack n’ Plays are also popular options for the first few weeks/months.
Does he understand how things fit into the broader picture? When he didn’t come home in time to finish dinner, he probably was apologizing for not having it ready for you and making you do it instead, but I’m guessing it’s bothering you more because it’s another case of not being able to rely on him to get out on time. I would tell him that it’s worrying you that he doesn’t have a way to get out of the office by a certain time, and while that’s not a big deal for finishing dinner, it doesn’t make you confident that he will be able to do it when the stakes are higher than who finishes dinner. Then talk about how he set himself up to do better–what about a calendar appointment for when he has to get ready to leave and then when he has to leave?
OMG this was me 9 months ago. Fits and fights and crying jags because if DH can’t prioritize assembling the crib / picking paint colors / unpacking from our move how will he ever be there for the baby?!? For my DH, it was different once the baby arrived. Assembling the crib was a project that could be put off. Changing the baby’s diaper was not. Plus, I think that after seeing me push a small human out and then feed said small human DH was so in awe and felt so inadequate about what he could do that he felt like he had to pick up whatever slack he could (e.g. “you’re nursing, do you need more water? Can I get you a pillow? I’ll take care of washing the bottles.” etc.).
Also some of this is hormones. You don’t think it is because you think these thoughts are all very rational, which they are. But hormones are tricky and powerful.
Finally just to echo what others have said — all you REALLY need is diapers, diaper cream, some onesies, a car seat, and a bassinet for the baby to sleep in (and this is coming from a very type A person).
Is it that he does not do more because he wastes time or that he physically cannot do more? If his job mandates him working 11 hour days, then it may be time to outsource some of the things on the to do list and triage what really needs to be done now. Can you invite over some friends and ply them with pizza and beer to shorten the list?
Well, it’s kind of a catch-22. He’s always worked harder/longer than his co-workers, and as a result he’s been promoted up the ranks faster than pretty much anyone else (maybe ever). And throughout all of this, my career has suffered, even though in general it’s more important to me. This is mostly because what I really want to do isn’t an option in the area where we live. A few years ago we gambled by my taking a “dream for now” job in a different location, but some combination of the bad economy and his current job making it hard for him to really focus on a job search (along with 2 eyars of infertility treatments and losses) meant he came up short on that search. So yeah, I resent his job, always have. Not helping or healthy now.
That said, it really doesn’t mandate 11 hour days. It does mandate managing his time better than he does now, though.
Agree with those who say try to pare the to-do list down to the absolute essentials. It will ease some of the stress on both of you.
Also, you didn’t say what kind of work your husband does, but is he staying late because he loses track of time and just keeps working or because he has a client-facing role/demanding boss/other legitimate but frustrating reason that makes him feel like he can’t leave on time? I ask because at various times both my husband and I have been in the second situation and I can say from experience that it is better for both of us when the other tries to be understanding about the situation (i.e. when my husband is late and it’s not really his fault, I try to remember that he’s just as frustrated that he’s stuck at work and my piling on him by complaining that he said he’d be home earlier just raises both of our stress levels).
Finally, and I say this with love because I have been there, it may help to acknowledge that your threshold for frustration may be lower than usual due to the combination of pregnancy hormones and understandable stress about the upcoming baby. I’m NOT telling you it’s all in your head, but I know that before my first I had a tendency to blow things my husband did out of proportion and view them as indicators that I would have to do everything myself which, in retrospect, was totally overreacting and not at all accurate since he is an awesome husband/dad. All I’m saying is don’t worry about problems that might arise until they do.
Finally (for realz this time), if this is your first, I think for a lot of men the impending baby is not really a reality for them until it arrives. It’s all we ever think about because, well, the physical realities of pregnancy make it difficult to think about anything else, but for them it’s all very abstract. So there’s a good chance he won’t fully “get it” until the baby is borne. But that doesn’t mean he won’t get there and step up and be a full partner when you really need him.
I think your last paragraph is spot on. We have 9 (10!) months to ready ourselves for this baby, physically and emotionally, whether we want to or not. A lot of times, men don’t consider it a reality until the baby is born. Give him time. Something may “click” with him and you won’t have to worry about it.
I think it’s not a true reality for anyone until the baby arrives– I tried so hard to prepare but it was like trying to imagine an alien world, I think. I would focus on a singular priority– his help and involvement with the baby. He needs to understand that diaper changing, rocking, walking the halls with the baby, bathing, etc. are how you bond with your child, and that’s what you need from him as much as possible (leaving early, taking time off, etc.). Dinner can be takeout, anyone can go pick up diapers for you, and as others have said, you hardly even need your crib.
In House Lobbyist
I think you should have a list of things that your inlaws could do if they ask how they can help. My mom was that way with both of mine that I would save things for her because she really wanted to help. Have a list handy while they are visiting and I second a bassinet or pack in play so the baby can sleep in your room. My little one is 4 months and we are moving to a crib in the next week or two whenever my husband brings it from the basement.
Men just don’t understand this need to get things ready for the baby. Maybe you could focus on some other things for now to take your mind off stressful things. Maybe think about cooking meals for the freezer because that is very helpful after the baby comes.
What belt should I wear with this dress? http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-dot-jacquard-fit-flare-dress-regular-petite/3625183
S in Chicago
That is such a cute dress! I love it. I may sound boring, but I would almost hate to distract from the lovely polka dots and the metallic–that’s a lot going on already. I’d maybe just step up the black belt to something a little nicer looking. I’m a bit of a bow maniac–I know, not for everyone. But if it were me, I’d be tempted to get something like this:
I might get the black and pyramid bow. I was looking at this one, but thought it might be a bit much? http://www.katespade.com/velvet-double-bow-belt/PSRU1449,en_US,pd.html?dwvar_PSRU1449_color=001&dwvar_PSRU1449_size=L&cgid=ks-accessories-belts#start=1&cgid=ks-accessories-belts
Do you not like the belt that comes with it?
I don’t… I don’t like the round buckle part. Maybe this one? http://www.katespade.com/bow-belt/PSRU1135,en_US,pd.html?dwvar_PSRU1135_color=711&dwvar_PSRU1135_size=L&cgid=ks-accessories-belts#start=5&cgid=ks-accessories-belts
I like the belt you posted, as well as those from S, but you might want to stay away from the bows. The dress already reads pretty young and I feel like a bow belt would just add to that.
Disagree. Love the velvet belt, think it’s perfect.
I LOVE THAT DRESS. On a more helpful note, I think the black bow belt with the gold accent posted above would look fab. It’s hard to tell with the gold kate spade belt as it depends on the tones of the gold I think, but it may be worth seeing what it’ll look like in person
I’m going to order the bow, and compare with a non-bow belt I forgot I already own. Thank you!
So I finally made an appointment with a therapist (who takes my insurance!) and I want to call her back and ask to have just a meet-and-greet type of appointment, instead of a full appointment. Is this reasonable? How would you approach this conversation? TIA.
What is the difference between a meet and greet appointment and a full appointment?
I guess I was hoping a meet-and-greet might allow me to see if I like her and to learn about her style of therapy. I don’t want someone who is going to sit and listen to be whine for an hour once/week. That doesn’t work for me. I would like to find out if she has any specialties that might be relevant for me (as a pregnant woman, law student, etc.). It sounds like this is an unrealistic desire though.
I think you can learn that best in a full session.
I’m not sure if you can tell even from one full session whether the therapist is for you. If you have a strongly negative reaction, don’t go back; if it’s just “meh” but the person was highly recommended, try at least another session or two.
I’ve just always said to a therapist up front that I am looking for a therapist whose style matches my needs and made it clear that this is an evaluative session for me as well as for them.
At the end of our first session, my current therapist was like” Well? How’d I do? Can we work together?” :)
What is the point of the meet-and-greet?
Well, what is the difference between a meet & greet appointment and a full appointment? Are you thinking less time, or you want it to be less involved? Because (and I’m not trying to be mean here) it sounds like you are sort of trying to dodge the reality of having to actually have a hard conversation with someone about the things that are bothering you and are hoping to delay it by having a shorter, more informal first session. I may be totally off base, but this is also totally something I would do…
Totally fair; I’m not trying to dodge issues, I just don’t want to spend $$$ on a b!tch fest.
Some therapists conduct an “intake” appointment where you would meet and talk and see if it’s a “fit” before being charged for a session. It often happens that people have to try 2-3 therapists before they find one that they fit and click with. If that’s what you are trying to accomplish, I’d just say that you’d like to meet and see if the therapist’s style is compatible and would s/he be amenable to trying that before scheduling a true appointment.
Yes, I would ask about an “intake” appointment or a “consultation” (rather than calling it a “meet-and-greet”). Mine was free, lasted an hour, and hit on the things you mention wanting to learn: style, expectations, specialties. I think it’s totally reasonable to get a read on someone before jumping in to a session.
I’ve gone through therapy before (more than once) and the first session is always a getting-to-know each other type of appointment. You can ask as many questions of her as you wish. Also, you are not committing to any number of sessions just by scheduling one. In fact, you’re never committed to coming back– any good therapist will allow you to end your therapy when you want to. Some may ask for 1 or 2 “wrap-up” sessions before terminating therapy, particularly if you have been seeing them for a while.
Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler
If anyone is looking for a new series to get into, I just finished reading The Emperor’s Edge by Lindsay Buroker and it was awesome. The first book is free on Kindle.
Another one here looking for advice about a non-supportive spouse . . . . Guess this season brings up these type of things.
Last week, I had emergency abdominal surgery — nothing super-serious, ultimately, but still. On doctor’s orders, I have been home from work since (though working from home the past few days). I’m cleared to go back to work two weeks from the surgery — so this coming Monday.
Adding to the bad timing of all this, DH and I have a planned cross-country trip to visit his family for Thanksgiving, leaving on Monday and coming back the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Doctor says I can travel safely — and by that, she meant I won’t hemorrhage and die or have any complications — though I might still be uncomfortable from the operation. As of right now, I still cannot wear regular clothes, sit up by myself for a long time, or wear a seat belt — so the plane should be enjoyable. I’m also still having some other symptoms, like dizzy spells and fatigue, but nothing major.
The problem is that both DH and my in-laws think that because the doctor has not forbidden me from flying, then I am A-OK to go on this trip and, in fact, should be fully expected to go. They also have made clear that they expect all pre-existing plans — i.e., to run all over the state visiting other relatives — to happen.
I don’t want to go on this trip. I don’t feel well, and I am super stressed about missing so much work and would rather spend T-day week working. I’ve talked to DH about this, and he is pretty unsympathetic. He thinks that since doc said I can go, I have to go. He attributes my reluctance to nothing more than my usual reluctance about visiting his family. While it’s totally true that I’m not usually super enthusiastic about in-law visits, this something different. If I do wind up going, I at least want my hubby to run interference for me with his parents about why I might not be up for long car trips, etc. — but so far he seems totally unwilling to do even that.
Sorry for this long vent! But I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. The in-law relationship is a bit of a sore subject around here, but how can I make DH see that this is something different? One would think that the hospital visit would be enough, but no dice so far . . . .
I normally don’t take sides, but your husband is being completely unreasonable. Health comes first.
Is there any way to have your doctor tell your husband that while you are physically capable of traveling without dying, you will be uncomfortable (and perhaps have the doc explain why traveling and exertion would be hard on you)? It shouldn’t make a difference, but perhaps if it came from a third-party, your husband would be more likely to support you.
Also, while I agree with you on all points and think you shouldn’t have to travel, I could see how saying that you’d rather spend the week of Thanksgiving working rather than seeing family could be insulting. If I were you, I’d focus a lot more on the comfort/health issues and less on the “I’m behind at work” issues (even though they are legit).
In general I agree, although you also said “I don’t feel well, and I am super stressed about missing so much work and would rather spend T-day week working.” I can see why your DH is annoyed if he thinks this about missing work, since you planned this trip long ago and agreed to miss work to go visit his family. Can you drop any discussion of work and just frame it as “I had major surgery and am not feeling well enough for this trip”? That alone is more than enough of a reason not to go and he (and his family) should recognize that your health comes first. If you can’t even wear a seatbelt that seems like a pretty good reason not to go in either a plane or a car, where you can put your life at risk by not wearing one.
Killer Kitten Heels
But she agreed to miss work *before* she knew she’d be out for two weeks for surgery. Although medical leave technically *shouldn’t* count against her and her workplace *should* be okay letting her take pre-planned vacation in addition, there are plenty of workplaces where this would be seriously side-eyed, and could create problems for her.
Even if OP was well enough to travel (which she isn’t, so really, that should end the discussion right there), “I can’t miss any more work this month because I had an unexpected absence” actually *is* a valid reason to skip a family trip, and if OP’s H is trying to guilt her with “oh but it’s FAAAAAAAAMILY” that’s pretty sh!tty.
I don’t mean to be defensive, but this is exactly it. I should say that I don’t *want* to spend T-day week working — but I feel like I should because I am so behind. And we don’t necessarily have a fraught relationship with my in-laws, nor do I have disdain for their plans generally. I would be totally fine doing the visiting relatives parade under ordinary circumstances. But we don’t see them very often — because they live across the country! and because until last year I worked for a big firm where it was nearly impossible to get away for visits — and that is something of a point of contention between my husband and them, and between my husband and me (because it has historically been my job that has made me reluctant to go on these trips).
Maybe Anne Shirley is right. I’d be lying if I said I was dying to go on this trip. But I feel like that very sentiment is biting me in the behind — my DH thinks I’m just using this as an excuse, when really I’m not. But I guess I just need to suck it up and accept that someone will be annoyed at me if I don’t make this trip.
and, as others have said in the past, this is where your husband should be on Team Lefty, i mean, Team YouTwoTogether, not on Team HisParents. It sucks that he seems to be using this against you. ;o(
maybe something to talk about in the big picture, rather than this one trip??
Oh, I totally agree that her health is reason enough to skip the trip and that her husband should be totally supportive of that. And I see your point about how this could potentially create a bad situation at work – I just think that for someone who is in a normal, 9-5 job where the company would be very understanding of 3 weeks out of the office if most of it were medical leave, it might sound more like an excuse than telling him she can’t go because of her health. Anyone, whether or not they have a demanding job, should understand the health reasons for not going.
Unless your DH has had similar surgery, he has no frame of reference. And it’s difficult to try to explain that to him–what you are feeling and whatnot.
After my c/section, I suspect it was much like what you are experiencing…incision pain, general tenderness, weak muscles, etc.
If I were in your shoes, I would pretty much put my foot down and say that because of the EMERGENCY surgery, we’re not participating in Thanksgiving. Especially if the ILs want you to travel all over the place once your plane lands.
It just takes too much out of it for you. What if your incision gets infected? What if you need more pain meds? The inability to sit for long periods of time without feeling dizzy/painful/whatever is enough that you should be able to say no. “I can’t sit on a plane, or in a car, for 4 hours. I just can’t.”
If he thinks you’re being a nancy about it, then he is an asshat. Sorry.
I think you are completely within your rights not to go. Sounds like you need rest to heal properly. Sorry that totally sucks.
I’m sure you’ve already thought about this but it could be helpful to have a conversation with him where you point out that this is not about whether it is physically possible to go but whether staying home and recuperating will be better for you overall. I would def point out that this trip will be extremely uncomfortable for you, that you will likely not have a good time because you won’t be feeling like your normal self and that this is not about the destination–i.e., if you were scheduled to go anywhere, you would feel this way. Also, if it is this important to him that you visit your in laws, maybe you can plan another trip to see them when you are feeling better? I understand that family obligations are important but I think he needs to see that this is not about whether you visit the fam or not, but rather, what will help you to recover. I would also avoid avoid avoid talking about prior instances of visiting/not visiting the in laws or your relationship with them because it’s not about that.
+ 10000 to all of this.
Um, your husband needs to Calm The F** Down. It is ONE YEAR. Even *if* it is hurtful to him that you would rather work than see his family, it’s not like this is the last Thanksgiving of all time.
If i was you, I would say: “You go ahead, go home. I am not going. I am staying home. You have a lovely time, and tell everyone i said hi and will be there next year.” Period. Full Stop. End of Paragraph. The. End.
I’m sorry, this is not fair to you. I send lots of hugs and tea and healing thoughts to your tummy.
My husband has a really high pain/discomfort threshold so sometimes I am too uncomfortable/sick to go places when he would otherwise go (for example, he got a bad flu one year and still stayed until 3am at his cousin’s wedding – whereas I would have gone for dinner and been in bed by 8pm).
Sometimes I just have to put my foot down and say “Nope, I’m not going, feel free to go without me”.
I 1000% agree with this! I’m putting my foot down for you! Unless you are feeling significantly better before its time to go, I wouldn’t go. Suggest he go alone but that a flight will be incredibly uncomfortable for you and a trip in general isn’t conducive to healing. I can’t believe he expects you to go, especially since he should see how much pain you are in!
Yes! You don’t have to get him to agree, he doesn’t have to be happy about it, it doesn’t have to make sense to him.
All you have to do it convey the information that you. will. not. be. going.
Because… EMERGENCY SURGERY.
Enough said, IMO.
Even if you grit your teeth and go, you’re going to feel terrible by the time you get back, and you’ve got 1 day to recover before you have to go back to work? In-laws are a fun topic around my place too, and I’ve had to put my foot down with this exact type of situation before. You just can’t run yourself down like that to make other people happy.
I’m about to do the same thing for our Xmas trip. Working lots of hours has just left us zero time to deal with our house. It’s a disaster, even though we have cleaners, and I REALLY need the time off to deal with things like accumulated yard work, getting the garden ready for spring planting, stuff like that. Also, I have an autoimmune thing that stress can make worse….and I just need a break. It sounds like you need some time to catch up on work, make yourself comfortable, and heal. You won’t be able to do that one a plane cross-country. I’ve tried to do exactly what you are considering many times, and regretted it every single time.
I’ll second Sydney Bristow and Senior Attorney’s foot-putting-down. Husband should understand and be supportive, at the very least (I would want mine to voluntarily stay home with me and make it a fun break, but baby steps, right?)
“Doctor said I won’t die if I go. Doctor did also said it was not optimal for me to travel You want me to go, but I still need to heal. Why are you putting your wants before my needs? If I was sick with the flu, but physically able to travel, would you still make me go?”
I don’t think your husband is being very empathetic or reasonable. And neither are your in-laws. I think you should tell him exactly what you’ve told us: you had emergency surgery, you’re still in a significant amount of pain, you’re not 100% functional, and you don’t want to travel for Thanksgiving. Add to that the stress of being away from work for several weeks … well, I’d be a basketcase.
I don’t know you or your husband. What I would do in this situation is tell him that I’m not going, period, the end. If he wants to go see his parents and do the planned thing, go ahead; I’d prefer if he stayed home and supported me and helped me because I’m still not feeling well, but I’m not going to demand he do it. Some people might find it unacceptable to do it like that, but I have no qualms telling him that I’m not going to do something I don’t want to do (and really, you need to prioritize your health here).
You should stay home, but he should go on the trip. No fair making him feel guilty if he decides to go visit his family over the holiday, either! (He shouldn’t pout about your decision to stay, of course.) He’s being completely unreasonable about your health, but I can understand that he’s probably really looking forward to seeing his family and wouldn’t want to miss the trip, which is fair, too. Sounds like you are well enough to manage at home on your own even if you can’t really travel, so put that on the table as a reasonable compromise.
It sounds to me like you’re making excuses to not go on the trip.
Me too. It’s the wanting to stay and work, disdain for their plans, and historical reluctance to visit. Tbh, if I were your husband I might suspect you just don’t want to go and are playing up the injury to get out of it. That may not be true, but I think it’s a useful lens to examine your own motivation before talking about it with him again. If you had an important work conference would you go?
Thanks for the sympathy. As a matter of fact, I was supposed to be at a work conference out-of-state today and tomorrow. But instead, I am on my couch.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were just looking for sympathy. I thought you wanted advice on dealing with your husband. And my advice is: it sounds like you just don’t want to go. If that’s not the case, figure out a way to convey to your husband that this isn’t about their ridiculous plans, your work stress, or the fraught relations. It’s about being able to sit up on a plane without moaning in pain, wear a seatbelt safely, and generally function. propose another time, encourage him to go without you, and express some sympathy for his position.
I don’t think you can resolve this without somehow acknowledging that yes, yes, it is convenient you can’t go. But. Still. You can’t.
I agree with Anne Shirley. It seems to me that you would find reasons not to go even if you had not had the surery. Yes, missing 3 weeks of work is tough but nobody is going to judge you for not working on Thanksgiving. You don’t see your in-laws often and I can understand why your DH would want the family to be together 1 time a year. That doesn’t mean that you can’t bow out of some activities while you’re there to give yourself time to rest and recuperate.
Don’t listen to Anne Shirley on this. She’s smart about lots of things but notoriously negative about spouse / long term SO issues. I think she currently has her first relationship or first in a long time. Not sure she truly appreciates the give and take required to sustain a long term commitment.
Looks like your in-laws decided to weigh in anonymously.
Tee-hee. I know whenever I’m looking for an excuse to get out of something I think sudden debilitating emergency surgery is my go to strategy. *sarcasm*
Lay it out explicitly what you can’t do. “I can’t wear seatbelts. I can’t sit up for longer than X hours. I can’t wear normal clothes. I am having X many dizzy spells a day. They cause me to do Y. I get fatigued after X hours.” He may just not realize how awful all of this together is.
(DH thought I could ride the subway 3 days after giving birth. I had to explain to him that it hurt to sit on a COUCH so there was no way I could walk up and down flights of stairs to sit on a plastic seat. He then realized we needed to take a cab — and by the end of the day he realized his subway idea had been insane.)
OMG. Did he want to take the baby home on the subway? That is awesomely insane!
Thanks everybody. To be clear, I am fine with him still going on the trip. I would just like to stay home without it causing a massive fight. This has all been really hard because my husband is usually very empathetic and caring. But for some reason, he keeps harping on the fact that we rarely go see his family, they are really looking forward to the visit, etc etc etc. But I was totally prepared to go until I had EMERGENCY SURGERY. Ugh.
Also, I agree that this should be more about my health than work. But I do have a hard time totally separating that out — of course it was fine for me to take a week off from work to do this, but I didn’t know that the week would come immediately after an unplanned, unexpected two week absence. I am going to stop mentioning that to my husband as a reason, but personally the stress of a three-week absence is starting to weigh on me.
Yeah this makes it sound even more like you just don’t want to go. Sure, 3 weeks out of work is not ideal. But you feeling stress about that isn’t a terribly good reason to cancel a very important family commitment. None of us (or him) know how well you feel, but coments like that make it seem like you could go, but you just don’t want to.
I’m going to say it again: It’s. One. Year. Really!?!? Thanksgiving has become an “Important Family Commitment” now?!?! I know I am a total grinch about holidays, but I don’t get this. This is not a once in a lifetime event, like a wedding, or a 90th birthday party, or some other super unique thing. If it was, I can kind of see the husband being justified in being upset or wanting the OP to try extra hard. But this is Thanksgiving. It comes every year. The world is not ending tomorrow. She can be there next year, and I think work and personal stress are all valid reasons for wanting to change plans and not travel to a holiday event. Even if she HADN’T just had Emergency. Abdominal. Surgery.
Killer Kitten Heels
I don’t know where you work Anne, but it must be nice to work in a place where 3 weeks out of work in one month is just “not ideal.” In the places I work/have worked, 3 weeks out in a month would be “reason for a giant side-eye and possibly getting cut out of the next big case because suddenly based on one emergency you’ve become ‘unreliable’ – oh and yes, we’re definitely going to bring this up in your review.”
You’re minimizing OP’s career concerns, and I think you’re being really unfair to OP in doing so. Maybe your workplace would be cool with this kind of extended absence, or maybe your priorities are such that you don’t really care if you’d jeopardize your career with this kind of extended absence, but I’m Team OP here – I’d be seriously worried about the impression I’d give running off on a week-long vacation just days after a two-week leave, and I’d probably cancel or shorten the vacation regardless of whether or not I was well enough to travel. I don’t understand why you seem to be insisting that OP has to be doubled over in pain in order for her reasons for not going on this trip to be “valid.”
If I missed three weeks of work, I would be insane with worry over the impact on my career.
I’m hearing a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf situation, and I think it’s worthwhile engaging with hubby about that before putting her foot down and staying home. It absolutely could be the case that a) it’s physically impossible, and b) career suicide. But from what OP wrote here, I’m getting a whiff of “ijustdontwanna”. I share that thought because if her husband is getting it to, knowing that’s how it sounds could help her change her communication style. I don’t mean to suggest she should definitely go (in fact, I’m on team stay home) but it’s clearly not coming across well to her husband, so maybe try a different tack.
But op obviously I’m not expressing this well at all and sound completely insensitive- sorry! I hope you feel better and enjoy thanksgiving on your couch with a clear conscience.
Killer Kitten Heels
No one else is getting the “boy who cried wolf” vibe but you, Anne. Perhaps you’re bringing in your own baggage here?
Killer Kitten Heels
Also, and this is a totally separate rant, I’m not liking how you (and others in this thread to a lesser extent) are suggesting that it’s somehow OP’s job to justify her preference to her husband by figuring out how to couch her request in phrasing that’s somehow magically going to be more palatable to him.
She’s expressed a need to him – if he understand it, his job is to respect/support her in getting that need met. If he legitimately doesn’t understand what she’s asking for, he needs to seek clarification. If he thinks there’s a compelling reason that her need should be ignored/overridden, he can talk to her about it *without* throwing around a heaping helping of backstory-driven guilt. What he does NOT get to do is disregard her need because she didn’t “come across well” to him, nor does he get to bully her because her need doesn’t match his preference.
He’s being an unsupportive @sshat. There may be many and varied reasons for his decision to resort to @sshattery, which may fall anywhere from 0-100 on the “how nefarious is this?” scale, but at the end of the day, HE’S CHOOSING TO IGNORE/OVERRIDE HIS WIFE’S EXPRESSED NEED. There’s no justification for that, and it’s in no way the OP’s “fault” for “not coming across well.” “I would’ve given you what you wanted if you’d only said it the right way, but you said it the wrong way, so now I win” is NOT how a good partner conducts a relationship. Let’s stop pretending that it’s a woman’s fault for “not saying it right” every time a man gets mildly upset, shall we?
Thank you, KKH, you are so good at saying what i’m trying to say but better.
Also, even if your superiors don’t look down on you for it, if you work in litigation you can only get so many continuances on your existing cases. And in certain offices, new work keeps coming in even while you are scrambling to catch up on the work you missed.
Personally, I work in legal aid and a lot of my clients are very vulnerable in some way; I could live with dropping the ball and losing a small suit for some faceless corporation a lot easier than missing something because I am too far behind resulting in an elderly disabled person getting evicted in the dead of winter.
Even putting aside your medical issues, I just want to say that I for one am sympathetic to your work stress and I think commitments to work are important for whatever reason you are committed to it (whether you want to shine for the bosses or, like me, you have a bit of a sanctimonious martyr comples and believe only you can Save All the People :)
“I’m not liking how you (and others in this thread to a lesser extent) are suggesting that it’s somehow OP’s job to justify her preference to her husband by figuring out how to couch her request in phrasing that’s somehow magically going to be more palatable to him.” KKH, you’re overreacting – she ASKED for advice on how to talk to him about this. Saying “emphasize the health reasons over the work reasons when you talk to him” is the advice that she was asking for. If she had posted “my husband’s being a jerk, can anyone sympathize” I think more people would have said “Yes, he’s being a jerk. I’m sorry.”
Killer Kitten Heels
Just because she’s asking doesn’t mean we have to tell her how to do something she shouldn’t have to do.
Let’s go to the extreme. Let’s say OP asked: “My husband hits me when I forget to do the dishes, please can someone help me figure out how to remember to do the dishes?” Would you give her ten ways to prevent herself from forgetting the dishes, or would you, perhaps, point out that her husband shouldn’t be hitting her? I hope to G-d you’d be saying “hitting is bad,” not “here let me help you in your flawed logic.”
Just because OP thinks she’s the problem here doesn’t mean I have to agree with her/advise her accordingly – she’s not the one whose wrong in this situation, whether she realizes that or not, and my advice is that she’s (a) not wrong; and (b) shouldn’t be playing semantics games to try to please someone who is acting (at least in this one instance) like an @sshat. I’m not going to help her figure out how to appease an @sshat, because that’s a sh!tty plan of action and it’s something she shouldn’t have to do in the first place. “Well, she asked” doesn’t make the victim-blaming (because let’s get real here, that’s what’s happening) okay.
Today she needs to explain to him whatever it takes to be able to not on this trip, so she can recover. After that she can decide what to do about him being a jerk. If he were beating here I’d say the same thing – do the dishes now to keep yourself safe, and leave him later, when you’re safe.
Oh, please. If she had said her husband hit her then he did something that we know, with no other facts or information about the situation, is objectively 100% wrong. Here, we have no idea how she framed it to him. If she said “Doc says I’m fine to fly, but I don’t feel great & I’m way behind at work so I want to stay home and work” then no, I actually don’t think her husband’s position is indefensible (not very nice/sympathetic perhaps, but certainly not evil). Frankly, I’d be kind of annoyed if I were in her husband’s shoes if that’s what my spouse said. I wouldn’t “make” him go, because adults can’t make each other do anything, but I’d be ticked off if I thought work was the only reason he wanted to stay behind (especially because, in this day and age, almost all work can be done remotely). If she told him everything she said here, that she feels awful, can’t wear a seatbelt, can’t really leave the couch, is in a lot of pain, etc and he still wants her to go, then yes, he’s being completely horrible. Either way, she should put her foot down and not go if she doesn’t feel up to it but she asked for advice on how to discuss with this him and pointing out that putting it a certain way may make it sound less serious health-wise than it actually is isn’t “blaming the victim”, it’s helping her better make the valid point she’s trying to make.
I’m sorry, Anne Shirley, but I have to disagree. I totally identify with OP’s situation. To me, it sounds like she is saying that the confluence of events has resulted in a number of problems and ONE of them is that she will miss three weeks of work if she goes on this planned trip. She’s being more gracious about it than I would. I also have fraught in-law relations and if I was in OP’s position, I would have just told my husband that I wasn’t going because I felt too sick to go. And if that meant I would be able to catch up on missed work? So much the better.
Anne Shirley, your sympathy deficit is getting not so entertaining. Sometimes your tell it like it is schtick is even productive…but you are way off base. Sometimes putting your legitimate needs first is ok. Doesn’t mean you are selfish or a bad wife.
I have to interject right here and say that people who are/were sick really can’t think 100% rationally. Common sense that applies to other people for some reason doesn’t apply to me (for example, working while sick). DUDE, YOU’RE SICK. YOU SHOULDN’T BE WORKING, YOU SHOULDN’T BE TRAVELING, YOU SHOULD BE ON THE SOFA WATCHING BAD NETFLIX. I know how easy it is to fixate on all of these things you’re “supposed” to do but you’re harming yourself. STOP, DO NOTHING, STOP FEELING GUILTY, DO NOT POST ON THISSITE, GET BETTER. YOU JUST HAS MOTHER5UCKING SURGERY.
HUGS AND RAWRS.
I may need to print this up, or at the very least save the screenshot, because we all need this reminder sometimes. I think, especially when you love your spouse and have a tricky in-law situation, you do all kinds of crazy things to prevent the appearance of “I just don’t wanna” (FWIW, I think that’s a totally valid reason, even without health/work issues, to tell the husband to go himself and you stay home, but that’s another conversation) when, sure, that’s one part of it, but … surgery!! Just because you weren’t already thrilled to death about the trip doesn’t invalidate your very valid reasons for not going.
When you love your spouse, you also support them by doing things that are important to your spouse, like visiting their family on holidays even if you “just don’t wanna.”
+1000. I can’t even explain my needs to other people when I’m hungry or tired.
Godzilla, you rock!
Lefty, because you sound barely able to walk from the bed to the bathroom–which I say with sympathy, not derision–your #1 priority is staying home and resting and healing as much as possible. If you can get workplace buy-in for working at home, great! At least you won’t have to get dressed, drag yourself across town, interact with coworkers, staff, supervisors, etc.AND possibly risk getting flattened by the latest cold or flu virus.
However, even if you are seriously ticked off at your DH and his family, a gracious gesture from you might be a useful down payment on future peace. Thus stand up for yourself, your health, and your need to stay home, but also
a) tell DH he can go without you (unless your health is so fragile that it’s not safe for you to be home alone; and you have nobody else who can be helpful)
b) make it very clear to DH that despite past episodes of grouchiness re the in-laws, right now you are acting out of concern for your own physical and professional health and your as-a-couple financial health
c) gently and briefly communicate the same thing to your in-laws, but also be clear that you’re sorry that you can’t make this trip, this year, that you will miss them, and that you hope you will be together again in the future.
Heck, if your MIL is hosting Thanksgiving, you might even repeat this message and send it with flowers.
Am I advocating being a total doormat? No. Am I advocating being clear about one’s own needs and intentions…but also managing to give the other party some positive strokes? Yes.
Sorry if this sounds brusque or condescending. It’s late and I’m tired. Bottom line: I’m trying both to redeem my own experience of butting heads with various relatives and to save you from having the same misery. A little bit of family peace can go a long, long way. (And it could even be that somehow your inlaws don’t know just how awful you feel, and that if/when they know–maybe if DH clues them in?–they might be doubled up with concern for you and keep saying “no, of course, you shouldn’t travel!”)
Good luck handling the family diplomacy–especially when you’re feeling lousy–and feel better.
Honey – I am not up to the trip. If you opt to go, have fun.
I feel INCREDIBLY empathetic to your situation. I had major abdominal surgery during my first year as a big law attorney. I missed three weeks of work and went back as soon as I was PHYSICALLY possible because I was so stressed about billable hours and getting laid off (considering I got laid off later that year … I was not imagining things.) I also had to cancel a trip with my husband’s family on a cruise, not just because I wasn’t really feeling up to it, but also because I *had* to work (and really had no choice.)
I know at the time my in-laws didn’t understand; they thought the sick leave “shouldn’t count” and that I should be able to still take the time to go on the cruise. But there was NO WAY I could have done that without basically telling my bosses “I don’t care about this job…sorry dude.”
And let me just say, as a veteran of several abdominal surgeries, just because you CAN make a flight (while, I assume, doped up on pain meds) doesn’t mean you should. Amongst other things, one of the most important things right after abdominal surgery is the ability to recline to take the pressure off the stomach. You can’t be assured on a flight that you’ll be able to recline in the way you’re going to need to. The flight is going to be MORE than uncomfortable, it will likely be excruciating.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, I AGREE with all of the above that your health should come first and that flying cross country is going to be SO SO hard. Plus, I think its a *valid* reasoning that you need to work during this period; at the very least your husband should be supportive of the fact that your career doesn’t just disappear because of the holidays and because you had surgery. Just DO make sure that you can work at home as much as possible. You have NO idea how much its going to hurt the first few days sitting up all day at a desk. The more you can do on the couch, the happier you’re going to be. Trust me.
I agree that your health concerns obviously come first.
However, I will also add, that I have had numerous fights with my SO about his reluctance to make trips to see my family, friends, me, etc., and once or twice I feel like I am ready to have a knock-down fight about the next incident . . . and that next incident is something COMPLETELY valid (emergency in the family, surprise and awful work assignment). And even as I try to be supportive and understanding during these difficult times, there is still sometimes a nagging voice in the back of my head that’s like, thanks for making this all about you, again. Yes – I realize it’s illogical and I don’t act on it, but I definitely note that little voice in my head.
Which is to say, you have a completely valid excuse but your husband could be frustrated at things that have nothing to do with this incident, so maybe it’s worth talking about it, and maybe that could help you resolve this fight in a way that makes both of you happy.
I posted on the morning thread, but that seems to have quieted down…
I need brand help…I shop at our local goodwill for everyday clothes (living in a college town in an affluent community = Banana Republic and J.Crew at goodwill!), and found a leather handbag. It appears to be ostrich, it’s kind of a tobacco color. The interior branding says “saccardi florence italy”
Anyone know about this? I can’t find any information on it. I don’t particularly care if it is super high-end–I’d have bought it anyway, it’s well-made, barely used, and unique. But wouldn’t it be something???
The Florence area is know for having lots of leather vendors. There are shops and street stalls everywhere. I’d never heard of many of the brand names when we were there, but the products were lovely and decent quality. I think that this is your manufacturer maybe? http://www.produzionecinture.com/
Florence is known for its leather. There are a ton of shops that sell bags, belts, jackets, etc. My guess is this is just from one of them.
No idea (I agree with AIMS’s comment) but use it in good health!
I’m feeling uninspired. Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce and pumpkin cheesecake are my go-to. Any idea for sides (esp vegetarian)?
I’m making quinoa salad. Cooked quinoa, add basil or pesto and cherry tomatoes. Should work with other grains.
There is a food blog called A Couple Cooks – they just did a post about having a vegetarian Thanksgiving.
A Nonny Moose
Pumpkin maple mac and cheese! http://thefigtreeblog.com/2011/09/pumpkin-maple-macaroni-cheese.html
– steamed carrots with butter & maple syrup & salt (steam to desired done-ness, drain, throw butter & maple syrup in the pan)
– roasted maple-chipotle sweet potatoes (cube them, throw them in a roasting pan with olive oil, s&p, chipotle, and some maple syrup)
– steamed broccoli (just steamed…I always crave something simple along with all that heavy food)
Roasted brussels sprouts are my go-to side, I could eat them all day everyday. There are lots of recipes online to make them fancy by adding things like bacon, maple syrup or balsamic vinegar, but I love them just tossed with olive oil and a little salt.
I love brussel sprouts and have always just roasted them with olive oil, salt, pepper, and maybe garlic. Adding bacon and maple syrup sounds heavenly.
long time lurker
I am doing a medley of roast veggies which shall include brussels sprouts, carrots, fennel, turnip and whatever else I can scrounge up. I really like having something to balance all the starchy sides at t-day.
NYT has a good maple syrup brussel sprout recipe (I think it also calls for hazelnuts).
Anon in NYC
Check out greatist DOT com. They just had a number of vegetarian / vegan Thanksgiving sides, some of which looked really interesting.
Instead of mashed potatoes, you could try mashed rutabaga. They cook like potatoes, are easy to peel, and mash like potatoes, but just taste different. I love them and am completely skipping potatoes this year. Plus, bonus, they won’t get gummy like potatoes, so I think they can be made ahead of time.
To your list I’d add:
Sweet potato casserole
All the pies
Awesome green salad
Fancy cheese & crackers
I make this sweet potato salad, except with cranberries instead of raisins. Instead of pumpkin cheesecake you could do that pumpkin pecan one someone here posted from Pioneer Woman.
NYT just did a whole feature on Thanksgiving tweaks to make your recipes more interesting.
I make a cranberry sauce with dried cherries and clove that is easy and delicious. So much better than plain cranberry sauce. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Cranberry-Sauce-with-Dried-Cherries-and-Cloves-15656
Also, corn pudding. Green beans (either casserole or something with dried fruit and nuts), wild rice, butternut squash and leek dish (also on Epicurious).
And I often make Paula Deen’s pumpkin gingerbread trifle for holiday parties but it could be a fun twist for Thanksgiving as well.
Pioneer woman just posted a receipe for broccoli wild rice casserole that looked good. Also, I went to a restaurant once that had curried sweet potato salad that was sooo good.
I do green beans with carmelized onions and almonds– it’s a Tyler Florence recipe I think. It’s really good. Another one of mine that’s vegetarian is Artichoke Parmesan Sourdough Stuffing– google can find both if you want. Everyone loves that one.
The Lee Brothers recipe for skillet green beans with orange is delicious, easy and healthy
Person in the next cubicle please stop singing!! This is a place for working, not for your singing. Why do you think anyone else wants to hear you sing? Sing while you work at home. Not in a cluster of cubicles where everyone can here everything. Jeez. What is wrong with you?
No, you tapping out rhythms on your desk isn’t any better, sorry.
Maybe if you took out your headphones you’d realize other people can hear you?
This helps me when I get cube rage:
I seriously laughed out loud and the one about how it’s inconsiderate to eat crunch snacks
My (thankfully former) cube neighbor from hell used to eat chex mix for breakfast, and then have another serving at least once an hour. Seriously.
But to be fair, one-hour intervals is really the best way to eat a bag of chex mix.
Now seems like a good time for you to get up for a snack, stroll around the office, etc.
What is everyone’s favorite photo printing service? Points if shipping is fast and/or not crazy expensive.
If I have to explain to the great grandmothers one more time why I didn’t bring prints of pictures …I will send you electronic versions! I work full time! I am involved in other things!) … I might scream
We send prints electronically to the local drugstore to be printed and my MIL picks them up. Takes a few minutes longer than straight email but makes her so happy. I think you can even get Shutterfly and the like to mail prints straight to the grands.
mama of 2
This is a great idea. I have been using Walgreens to get prints and it’s incredibly easy.
Adorama produces a very high quality product but they messed up my order and I had a really hard time dealing with customer service to get it credited/reprinted. I think it’s also more targeted to pro photographers and thus a little more expensive than services like Shutterfly. For photobooks or prints that are going to be framed, I would use Adorama again because the quality is important. If I were taking a whole bunch of prints to show friends or family I’d probably just use Shutterfly.
Meridian Pro. They definitely target pro photographers, but have fun products at decent prices, and have the ability to drop ship parts of your order to different addresses. They make a great product!
Don’t know about general photo printing (I would just do it through my local drug store), but for photo books, calendars, etc. I have seen amazing products from Picaboo. My secretary has made several books through them and they look great.
Used to use Shutterfly, now use Costco (you need to be a member).
I’ve actually been really impressed with snapfish, awesome prints and their photo cards (on the heavy stock paper with a bit of grain and rounded edges) are fantastic.
With all of these family conflict threads, I wanted to share a GOOD story!
So most of you have read my posts about my grandparents raising me, and saw that my grandfather passed away last month. Well, for as long as I can remember, it was my and my grandma’s job to cook Thanksgiving dinner. When she passed away in 2006, I made it my job to make sure that I always cooked a turkey for my grandpa, with the right stuffing, and homemade chocolate pie. The chocolate pie was a big deal because I have a family recipe and I make it all from scratch (usually with really nice chocolate) just for him.
So this year he isn’t around, so I’m having Thanksgiving with my Dad and his family / my Aunts. Whenever I have done that in the past, I’ve always made the pies, because I would usually bring my grandpa and chocolate pie is his favorite.
I’m getting long winded, sorry! Anyway, this year when we were discussing who would bring what, they picked up on my hesitation to cook pies….realized that it probably would be really traumatic for me to bake for hours….and told me to just go buy them!! It doesn’t sound like much, but it was pretty nice for my usually “all drama, all the time” side of the family to pick up on that and let me off the hook.
Yes! I bring wine.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s good to read nice family news at the end of the evening.
I hope you get through the holiday with good memories to balance out the moments of missing your grandparents.
(Hit “post comment” too soon.)