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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Camila Nouveau Silk Blouse

Floral prints can be tricky. You run the risk of looking too childish, too Little House on the Prairie-ish, or just too casual for the office. This printed blouse from Amour Vert threads the needle perfectly — it’s feminine, but not juvenile, cheerful, but not too loud.

This would be great with a gray suit or bright pencil skirt.

The blouse is $148 at Amour Vert and comes in sizes XS–XL.

A more affordable option is from Vero Moda; it's on sale for $24.50 at Nordstrom.

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

431 Comments

  1. Like most people right now, I need a vacation. Does anyone have interesting solo travel ideas? I’m single, 30s, and my friends aren’t available to travel this summer so I’m going to need to do this alone. I’ve traveled by myself before and I didn’t really enjoy it. I guess I’m looking for a trip where I don’t actually spend the whole time by myself. I’m thinking of some kind of structured retreat or training camp but I’m open to any ideas.

    1. What are your hobbies? Do any of them lend themselves to group travel (A knitting retreat? A week doing yoga? A week long cooking class with associated food tours? A travel photography course?)

    2. If you like yoga, a good fit for you might be Kripalu in the Berkshires. They have a kind of community-based philosophy and are flexible about how you want to treat the retreat. Berkshires are also beautiful and won’t be as hot as other parts of the country. You could do Kripalu for a couple of days and then explore other parts of New England. https://kripalu.org/content/kripalu-retreat-renewal

      3. I booked kripalu for a friend and me a few years ago at the beginning of her 4 month sabbatical. She says it set the entire tone for her time off in a great way. We stayed in the new accommodations, so private bathroom, etc. Has a wonderful peaceful vibe and the best yoga I have ever done — I’m a total beginner, they just know how to explain things. I loved it and would definitely go back.

      2. +1 Beautiful place. Lots of activities available. Can be as social or on your own as you want.

    4. For cities, I have gone to some (Chicago, Savannah) with architecture tours that I really liked. Also, anything with a cooking class at the hotel (but many attendees seem to be couples) or a food/wine pairing class. You want to stagger home from that last one :)

      If you go to the Greenbrier (or similar), you can book tennis lessons and a horse ride where you go out with people. Ditto golf lessons (or grownup golf camp).

    5. I’ve done a bunch of tours with both G Adventures and Intrepid Travel as a solo. They’re both great for small groups going interesting places around the world, with lots of local experiences. I’ve met a ton of fabulous people and it’s so easy to travel with them because you don’t have to worry about where to stay, what to do or how to get there.

    7. Two years ago I was badly burned out from my job and needed a vacation. I was a little nervous about traveling alone and I ended up going to a wellness spa in Santa Fe. It was perfect! I had an all-inclusive package that included meals, a message, bathing in the hot mineral baths, and unlimited classes (yoga, meditation, etc). It was only a few days but I really felt like it recharged me and I definitely want to do it again.

    8. If you are fairly outdoorsy, I’ve seen several women’s hiking and camping trips on the clymb. They had a yosemite one that was 4 days I think.

      1. Not OP, but thanks for this. I have never heard of the Clymb before but am now looking into a last minute summer trip!

      2. REI also has amazing organized trips – you get a great guide and I believe they provide some of the more complex equipment

    9. Guided rafting trip on the Colorado River. They might be booked up by now but worth looking into.

    11. In a similar situation, I did a small art history tour (I had always thought I would hate group tours) but I loved it and since then have done some similar art and architecture ones. There was plenty of independent time, but the intellectual discussions and viewings led by a professional art historian were very stimulating. And the shared interest with the other tour members also added to the enjoyment. So if you have a hobby or interest try a small tour based on that.

    12. Paris. I love going there alone. But not now. You’d have to wait until things are more open.

    13. If you like hiking (or only walking) St James Path (Camino de Santiago) you will sociallize or not as you like.

  2. You all indulged me recently with comparing your high school experiences to American tv shows. Hopefully the next fun question is what about small town life? I’ve watched so many things like Gilmore Girls, Hart of Dixie, Virgin River and hallmark movies set in small towns. Do places have town events like in the shows and does everyone know each other? It’s so different from life in the U.K.

    1. Yes, I grew up in a small town where we had small events where the streets to the historic downtown area would be shut down and we would all gather. There was a 4th of July, a Homecoming parade for the local college, and a Christmas parade that were heavily attended. There were dedicated town-wide events (in addition to the parades) for 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas where everyone was pressured to participate. There was a Father-Daughter dance in February and a Mother-Son dance in October. There were weekly concerts of local bands every Saturday in the summer. And there were town meetings where the citizens would gather and shout at each other. There was also a fierce and beloved old lady brigade who were very serious about flower shows, and everyone went to those too. The flower shows no longer happen, but everything else is still going strong in 2021.

      1. Heading off comments about the Parent-Child dances because I bet people are going to think those are weird. They are now weird purity balls, they are silly harmless excuses for parents and kids to dress up in fancy clothes and have their pictures taken. My Dad and I have gone every year I have been alive, except for 2021 when it was canceled for COVID. I travel back for it annually because it makes us both so happy to go. In 2019, we took my niece along with us and danced with her to the Hokey Pokey, Shout, and Baby Shark. It’s fun.

        2. Yes, I went to an all girls school that had an annual Father-Daughter Dance and it was the highlight of my year – my friends and I got to dress up and dance and I have some really fond memories. It was not religious or creepy.

        3. My sister was in the girl scouts and they did a daddy daughter swing dance when she was really young. Not a purity ball at all, it seemed like a lot of fun! They learned a very basic “east coast” swing (that’s where you go step. step. AH-rock step!) routine to Johnny B. Goode.

    2. On the flip side, I am dying of curiosity about life in the UK – well, outside of large cities, anyway. I know it’s historical, but to what extent is the landed class system you see in Victorian novels and Regency-themed shows still felt today? What is UK country life like if you grow up in a little village in the Cotswolds or Wessex?

      1. Yes — IDK what is even a posh area / accent in the UK (but I feel like the world knows posh parts of the US — either through 90210 or b/c there is a Real Housewives from there). But I feel like the whole UK is either something from a PBS costume drama or else is straight out of Train Spotting. I did love Keeping Up Appearances, but maybe UK TV is wildly inaccurate about how life is there.

        1. There are plenty of posh parts of the US that are not at all like the conspicuous consumption of Beverly Hills, etc.

        2. Basically look at who votes Conservative on a map of the Southeast UK – those are the posh bits of England.

          1. So if it’s not the SE of England, it is automatically not posh?

            I did a 23 and me and found that my people (or my genes) are from London (I’m sure where Fagin roamed) and Liverpool. Sea people maybe?

          2. There are posh bits throughout the UK, but I guess the stereotypical wealthy areas are concentrated around London, both old and new money?

          3. Interesting. England seems to tiny, so I am guessing I expected it to be uniform (if it’s not on the water, it isn’t that far, unlike Nebraska). I guess it’s like the US with big coastal $ / fancy areas and the rest probably considered to be flyover areas by the fancy people.

        3. Real housewives aren’t what I’d consider posh. I think the old money WASPy areas, like the Main Line.

          1. Yes. Actual posh types wouldn’t be on a reality show. In fact the original concept of RHONY was to show desperate social climbers, not those already in the top social circles.

      2. I’m an American in Scotland, so very very different than Home Counties England but some thoughts: I moved from a big Scottish city to a small town and in many ways it feels like my small Californian home town, people know each other, lots of families live close to one another, it’s more car-oriented than the city. What is different is the lack of sports, and the way, in the small town US, rhythms of life revolve around sports (Homecoming parades, football games etc). We moved during the pandemic but in normal times, there are quite a few community events – street fairs, Christmas concerts, farmers markets etc.
        My husband is English, brought up in London, and his ability to place accents by region and social class is really fascinating. I can basically hear Northern/Southern, posh or not, but not much beyond that. If you wanted a deep dive, the book Watching the English is incredible.

        1. I think there’s a distinction though between ‘posh’ and ‘wealthy.’ The town I grew up in used to be a ‘well-heeled market town in commuting distance to London’ and then the hedge founders started buying houses there, and now the average house price is well over £1 million. The character of the town is now ‘wealthy’ rather than ‘posh’ – there’s a lot of conspicuous consumption (teenagers in Canada Goose coats, super cars, etc).

          1. Fun with words — I thought based on US usage that “posh” was conspicuous (e.g., Posh Spice) and wealthy was like the Chris Rock rich vs wealthy routine. To me, wealthy drives a beat-up old Volvo or Tahoe but has beach and mountain houses for getaways.

          2. Oh, interesting! No, I would understand ‘posh’ to mean what people in the US often describe with East Coast old money – has money but doesn’t do the conspicuous consumption thing.

          4. I love semantics! I actually think “posh” isn’t much of an American word. It strikes me as very British. Speaking about crass conspicuous consumers like the Real Housewives, I’d call them “rich.” If I’m talking about genteel people with money who aren’t in your face about it, I’d call them “well-off” or “well-to-do.” I typically only use “wealthy” when speaking about tax reform (I work in tax policy) ha. I’m from the SEUS and live in DC.

      3. I don’t/haven’t lived in the U.K. countryside but always on the edge of a town or city in Scotland. People here are super friendly, love a night out (and a drink) and have a great sense of humour. Yes people wear kilts to weddings and to watch sports events. We have castles and old tenements and beautiful countryside. Things aren’t ‘celebrated’ in the same way as they seem to be in the states, everything is maybe more low key? You’d never have people over for brunch, an open house or do a baked potato bar. The class system does exist but not in the same way as England. Schools are all given equal funding, healthcare and universities are free for everyone. But some areas have a lot of poverty and people relying on benefits. People in Scotland have a lower life expectancy due to that poverty. Houses are much smaller usually and for a lot of people being wealthy would still not include private schools, that’s only for a tiny portion of people. It also rains ALL the time.

        1. West coast or east coast? What I find fascinating is the divide even within Scotland, like Dundee and Glasgow feel significantly friendlier than Edinburgh. I think Edinburgh might be hard to break into unless you have a connection with the university/politics.

          1. West coast! Yes to be honest I would always pick West over East for the friendliness!

          2. I’ve decamped to East Lothian and it is so, so friendly in comparison to central Edinburgh.

        2. Edinburgh’s different for the schooling thing – I think almost a quarter of kids are in private school here, thanks to a combination of some old money kicking around and a lot of financial sector jobs. If I had a spouse on my same salary (and a kid!) we could afford private school for that kid – in London we would struggle to buy a house.

          1. Yes, the private school thing is huge. And apparently the dropout from state schools between primary and secondary is really dramatic. I read somewhere that it’s cheaper to send your kid to private school than to buy in the “best” catchments (Morningside, Stockbridge, etc). Pre-move, our state school was GRIM!

      4. If you watch Midsomer Murders… yeah.
        (I grew up where they film that. It’s pretty true to life – except the crime rate!)

    3. Oh yeah, everyone knows you. Your siblings. Your parents. Your aunts and uncles. Your cousins. Your identity is a culmination of every familial identity that came before you.

      Gossip spreads like wildfire. People make mountains out of mole hills. There is definitely a “wrong side of the tracks.” And it’s literally on the other side of the railroad tracks. Usually also in a flood plain.

      1. My parents left a rural town 60 years ago. My grandmother Marie has been dead for 5 years. I can walk down the main street today and someone will say “You are one of Marie’s granddaughters” on the sidewalk and in every shop I go in.

      2. But if you move to a different small town where you are not related to anyone, it will take actual years to even be acknowledged as a resident and generations to be accepted as one of the in-group.

        1. I don’t think so — if I went to NearBy Town, I’d still be “Marie from Tiny Town’s granddaughter.” So, like a known Outlander? Somehow they’d know that. People marry in throughout the county and maybe 1 or 2 surrounding ones. You are not even 6 degrees apart.

    4. Kind of! I grew up outside of a small town that is fairly close to larger towns and part of the Bay Area. I’m not sure everyone had the same small-town experience but my father was a volunteer firefighter and the fire department was in many ways the social heart of the town and everyone knew everyone else. Not QUITE as many festivals as Gilmore Girls or Hart of Dixie (which, if you didn’t realize, were filmed in the same lot), but the fire department runs an easter egg hunt every year at the local elementary school, a Mother’s Day pancake breakfast, and a summertime dance at the firehouse. In the fall they shut the main street down for the Vintage Festival (wine country) and my best friend and I had a booth selling various craft items when we were young. The fair and the fourth of July festivities were in adjacent larger towns and there’s a strong yuppie vibe because of Wine Country, but there are also generations of farming families and hippies living in the hills, etc.

        1. Ohhh I meant tinier than Sonoma. =) Actually I realize now it’s not the Vintage Festival, it’s the Glen Ellen Village Fair. Extremely Gilmore Girls.

    5. Yes, I grew up in a town very much like Gilmore Girls, in the Northeast but not particularly rural (less than an hour to a major city). It was very much like depicted on that show – a lot of known personalities in town, lots of town events, important to maintain friendships since no where to hide if you didn’t, everyone knew everyone. It was the type of place where if you were on your bike but not wearing your helmet like you were supposed to, your parents would have been called by 3 different people by the time you got home. It was a great fit for me, but I know it isn’t for everyone.

    6. Yo, I could practically be Mare of Easttown, minus being a grandparent and having a hot writer boyfriend (man-friend).

      1. Boy I could not warm to him. I felt like he was too smooth so was obviously a suspect from day one (and a red herring by the writers) so I never got that lovin’ feeling from him.

    7. Grew up in a town of < 1,000. 100% everyone knows you, which can be a blessing and a curse. Example: cop who pulled me over in high school for speeding had known me since kindergarten when he coached my first soccer team and was my friend's dad. My own town had only a part-time cop that was off duty by 4PM and we all knew it. Kids have known eachother since they were children in elementary school. Eventually, as a teen you will have dated anyone remotely interesting to you by the time you get through high school, and no way to avoid dating any friends' exes, just due to the small population. Neighbors really did help each other. I can remember when someone had a fire or a death/illness in the family, everyone came together to help the family. Another example I can remember is a kid got lost in the woods once near my house and didn't come home, and my dad and all the dads nearby went out at like 10 PM to look for him with their flashlights and searched until they found him. Town meeting was a very real thing that people attended like in Gilmore Girls, but it wasn't about town events, as much as town politics.

    8. We are from a no-stoplight town in the SEUS. Kids get married straight from high school. It doesn’t matter that no one has any $ b/c all wedding receptions are held in the church fellowship hall and are covered-dish events. There is no guest list — friends and family are expected to come. You hope that Helen Fleming doesn’t have a competing event that weekend b/c her pound cake is truly divine. Minnie Phillips will come with deviled eggs (and a piece of masking tape on the egg plate to make sure it finds her way back to her, which it will). If it’s not your family, you can show up and help get the church and fellowship hall ready or clean up after.

      1. Yes! My parents seriously didn’t really understand the concept of wedding invitations. “If they didn’t want people to come, why did they announce it?” There are some annual events, mostly tied to church, and then birthday parties and weddings and such that pop up that the entire town seriously goes to.

        Everyone knowing everyone else’s family for the last 8 generations is a blessing and a curse. I actually like that aspect of living in a small town. What I don’t like (and why I moved away): rampant racism, sexism, homophobia, and resistance to education. I’m sure there are small towns that aren’t like that, but they often do encourage insular thinking and an “us against them” attitude that is off-putting to me. My hometown is in the southern US, for context.

        1. Oh, I had forgotten about that. My first husband was from a small town in the deep south, and there was a big question about whether we were going to print an announcement/invitation for the wedding in the church bulletin. I, from a coastal city, couldn’t fathom that uncertainty – how do you know who will come!? What were we going to tell the caterer?! What if there wasn’t enough room at the venue?! I ended up sending invitations, but my MIL was terrified she was going to leave somebody off the list and offend someone.

        2. What I’ve been surprised by is how in big cities, people talk the ultra-woke talk all day long, but 1000% don’t live it out (BLM signs in front yard, but you don’t follow wage-hour laws with your household staff, you send your kids to $$$ private schools b/c they couldn’t possibly learn with kids who have parents who didn’t finish high school, you have no friends who didn’t go to your schools, your church is 100% your race and income level, etc., etc.). I see this in every big city I have ever lived in and every place I’ve ever worked.

          In a small town, people can sound prejudiced, but every town and every family family has its gay, lesbian (etc.), biracial, city-living PHD, etc. members and they are in fact regular members of the family and the community (but so the talk doesn’t match the walk). It’s like they get along b/c they have to. In a city, you don’t have to, so you don’t. Churches may still be segregated, but hospitals and nursing homes and rescue / fire squads sure aren’t and that is when you see neighbors actually helping neighbors, driving each other to work when their car breaks down, etc.

          1. This is a fair point, to an extent, in my experience, but in ways that are still really harmful. There are no BIPOC who live in the small town where I grew up. If someone had a baby with someone of another race, I can imagine the family accepting the baby (though not in every case). My own mother once talked about how cute she thought biracial kids are. But, it would be a completely different story if a family member wanted to actually date or marry a person of color (I was told never to date interracially, know people who were disowned for doing so, and have heard private conversations about people who did this). I cannot imagine a family of color moving into the town and feeling comfortable at events… ever. Lots of use of the n-word and other slurs even to people they don’t know very well, casual discussion of harmful stereotypes, etc. Sure, my grandparents would talk to a person of color at the grocery store or even help them if they were broken down on the side of the road, but that would absolutely not translate to “please come live in my town.” Or even “I want your children to have access to the same types of services we receive in this community.”

            Another example is the homophobia. I do know of a couple of people from my town who were (probably) queer. They were described as “funny people” and, yes, they were treated as members of the community, but only because they lived generally as single people or as women who were “roommates.” Under no circumstances could they hold hands in public, be married, or generally live their lives out as couples. I have some very good friends who are gay who I met in the big city nearby, and was told in no uncertain terms that I should not be friends with them and I was forbidden from hanging out with them because of the “lifestyle.”

            I’m not saying every small town is like this, but it my own experience.

          2. There’s something to this, though the small town experience can still be pretty miserable for someone who doesn’t fit the mold. But definitely it can easier to find people who have your back in a place small enough to have community (I’ve seen this in small towns but also in working class/immigrant neighborhoods). I think part of social mobility is probably “not having anyone else’s back.”

          3. I 100% agree with this. Small towns still have serious issues, but I’ve noticed plenty of Woke(TM) colleagues and acquaintances who have designed their lives in a way that results in no interaction with POC or low-income people unless those people are cleaning their house or garden. In small towns, the interaction is more organic and by necessity.

          4. I mean, the small town isn’t pretending to be something it’s not. If it is racist or whatever, it’s not hiding that. In my upper-middle-class / lower-upper-class big city neighborhood, people just aren’t vocal, but they are truly no different. If you really think this isn’t you, check what your neighbors do re moves nationwide to abolish single-family zoning or when cities go to re-zone schools or why people say they send their kids to private schools vs public. White-collar prejudices are just not as in-your-face as blue-collar prejudice can be, but just b/c it’s got a polo shirt on, it’s there just the same.

          5. We are not all like that. I am an urban liberal now, originally from a small town, and I am none of the things you describe. My cleaning lady, when I had one, made a living wage and was “on the books.” My kids went to public schools. Throwing around a broad stereotype about urban liberals is just as hurtful as the small town/ souther stereotypes you’re worried about.

          6. Yeah, we’re going through a huge NIMBY/YIMBY fight in my neighborhood of a big city, and I am so over my allegedly tolerant neighbors who have every possible self-congratulatory sign in the front yard (the “In this house we believe….” one is my least favorite) but somehow, upzoning is going to take bread from their children’s mouths and cause total chaos because OMG townhouses. It’s an amazing amount of mental gymnastics to believe that you are super-liberal yet no housing (high- or low-income) can be built apart from single family houses just.like.yours. So liberal, until there is a whisper that it might hit them in the wallet. And it won’t! It’s so silly! They are arguing against people turning a million-dollar lot into four residences instead of a $4 million single residence.

          7. I grew up in a small town in the early 1990s, and there were definitely “known” gay people, though maybe one actually said out loud that he was gay (the high school drama teacher, surprise!). Most of them had a pretty sh*tty time of it – those that were teachers were always on high alert about crazy parents, people threw stuff at their houses, etc. All of my non-straight friends who could basically took the first bus out of town at their earliest opportunity, to the gay-friendliest place they knew about (New York and other big cities). I think it’s a little friendlier now, but I doubt it’s super-tolerant.

    9. Brothers and Sisters. Set in Ojai, but the small California farming communities are similar.

    10. We live in a town of 8,000. Our town is a lot like all about eevee’s above. Spring festival, Memorial Day flag display, county yard sale one Saturday in June (like a neighborhood yard sale, but it’s the whole county with a master list of all the houses participating), Fourth of July fireworks, fall antique show, and several big events in the fall for our primary agricultural product, oysters. One waterfront neighborhood does a caroling-by-kayak event in December :) And yes, there’s a Christmas parade that ends with Santa on the fire truck!

      We have a teeny newspaper that comes out once a week that we share with our neighboring county and everyone reads it cover-to-cover. The town council meetings where people shout at each other are covered in detail. There’s a weekly spotlight of one citizen who’s that person who keeps the Association for the Preservation of the Tiny Thing That They’re Passionate About going or runs the PTA or what have you. The former head of the county school system (one school each for elementary, middle, and high school) just passed away and it was front-page news.

      And yes, we have a little town square and American flags and hanging flowers on all the light poles on Main St.

      There are downsides that aren’t reflected on tv, mainly along class lines and the previous Administration’s brand of grievance politics, but it’s a pretty great place to be.

      1. Yes, there was a major brouhaha in my small town when they took Santa Off the Firetruck and Put Santa on a Fancy Sleigh With Wooden Reindeer when I was in high school in the early aughts. It was considered Disrespectful to First Responders after 9/11. I am not kidding, someone got up at a town meeting and yelled, “WHO CARES SANTA ISN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE A FIREFIGHTER!” and some adults in the room actually gasped. Like, how dare you???

        2. We live in a suburb, definitely not a small town, where Santa rides through every neighborhood on a fire truck over the course of several evenings in December. The first year we lived here, we were freaked out by the constant sirens because we thought there must be some sort of huge disaster going on.

      2. Our local paper lists the week traffic violations, fines and other legal infractions. It’s a must read section.

    11. Everybody knows everyone or is related to everyone. This is hard for anyone who has moved into the area for a job, because you feel like the odd one out. In my small town, we are really open and welcoming to POC because we have a small college, but the more rural areas are much more closed and not accepting of differences. Most people go to one of three churches, Catholic, Lutheran, and different Lutheran. Your family is identified by the church you are affiliated with. It’s nice to be in a supportive place where if the ambulance pulls up, the whole neighborhood is there wanting to help, but sometimes it feels like there’s no privacy either. My town doesn’t have nearly as many events as Gilmore Girls, but the ones we do have are meant for tourists and their money. Town meetings can be awesome, but they can also be a nightmare and lately there has been a clear political divide that mirrors national politics (masking was so controversial, and there was no guidance from the state). Schools are good, but the Catholic school is only option to public. The cute downtown stores are fun for gifts and things, but Walmart is the only option for things like bed sheets etc. The closet Target is two hours away. Wow, writing this out makes me realize that I am clearly tired of my small town right now! Normally I love it, but after this last year here without leaving much, I need some extended time away in a place where I don’t know everyone.

        2. Ha, yes! Technically there are three different Lutheran churches, all ELCA members, so following the exact same liturgy etc. But the one big church started splitting 80 or so years ago, and then split again 50 years ago.
          Basically, the original church stayed very conservative, the second church became much more socially involved and liberal, and the third church was supposed to be even more liberal (for those college profs you know…) and is, but doesn’t have the resources to be socially involved like second church.
          There are definite class lines and community fault lines that go with each church. If your family got here early (c. 1840) and made money with a shovel, you belong to original conservative church. If you came here c. 1890-1940, you go to second more liberal church. If you came here after 1940, you either don’t go to church, are Catholic, or go to third small church.
          Few people are brave enough to attempt to switch churches, because there are deep family roots and friend systems, and to switch means insulting all those people and setting off community discussions of what Lutheran is supposed to mean and which church is the ‘true’ Lutheran church and which one represents Small Town the best. From what I’ve observed (being an outsider despite spending most of my life here) is that you also mostly date and marry within your church circle. There are very few mixed marriages of different Lutheran churches, but some between the Catholics and conservative Lutherans.
          I stopped going as soon as I got confirmed, and generally try to stay out of the drama!

    12. I grew up in a small town outside Boston – but it wasn’t so small that you would walk everywhere! I envied how walkable Stars Hollow was. We lived within walking distance of the main road and could walk to the middle school, library, high school, and a few little restaurants, but there were definitely places where you needed a car to get to, because it was either too far to walk or there weren’t sidewalks. What was somewhat similar to Stars Hollow were the town meetings – we didn’t have a mayor, we had a board of selectmen and a lot of decisions were made by town hall votes. They weren’t small though, they filled the high school gym, but we still had characters! Actually, the town meetings in Parks and Recreation are a little closer to what my town meetings were like. That’s another good show to watch if you haven’t yet.

      1. I grew up in a medium-sized town outside of Boston and this rings true. (Difference between cities and towns in Massachusetts: cities have mayors, towns have Town Meeting and a BoS; might be some exceptions but I am not aware of them.)

        My town was/is weirdly insular for being the size it is (could fill Fenway Park). A lot of people have grandparents who grew up there, are raising their own families there, and their kids play with their high school friends’ kids. Combine that with the enormous number of colleges and universities within a very short drive, and a lot of people have never lived very far away from where they grew up.

        1. “people have never lived very far away from where they grew up” – yes x1000! I also grew up in a small to medium sized town on the 495 belt outside of Boston, and moved away after college. Everyone from my high school attended a regional college, and I don’t think anyone moved further away than NYC other than me. It is very much a “everything I need is right here so why leave?” mentality, which is not super healthy and contributes to an atmosphere that isn’t very welcoming to people who don’t have six generations of history in the town.

        2. I potentially am from either 10:22’s town or 11:05’s town or another one that is likely a direct adjacent town. A bunch of my classmates were the children of my parent’s classmates from growing up one town over. The one caveat that I would say is that unlike less affluent small towns, the norm was definitely grow up, leave for college + likely grad school + high power career, and then come back to the area. It was not a case of people having never left. Definitely a case of privilege compounding itself when I think about how many of my Ivy League undergrad + Ivy League professional school + elite professional services peers are from my same tiny town.

          1. People left in the sense that they lived at Holy Cross or BU (they didn’t commute); however, they returned right back to (hypothetically) Lynnfield within a few years of graduating college.

    13. I wouldn’t say that everyone knows each other here, but I live between two small but vibrant towns in PA that hold a lot of events (parades, festivals, town strolls, etc) and a lot of people know each other. Many people are community oriented. If a tragedy happens you can bet people will be out supporting them, organizing donation collections, finding housing resources, etc. People will post on the town facebook page for things they need (help with some sort of equipment, a ride home from the pharmacy, new clothes for a homeless person, even someone who wants a new friend to hang out with, etc) and people will deliver. But the US is big and I think it varies a lot – my nanny grew up in SoCal and said that no way would people do some of that stuff there.

    14. I lived in a small town for 8 years. I now live in a small city, and much prefer it.

      Yes, everyone knows everyone and aaaaaallllllll their business in a small town. And yes there are town events (our specific small town always did a really cute all day fourth of July extravaganza, complete with parade, cake decorating contest, mutt show, etc). I did like that part of it. The town is very close knit and there is a real sense of community. Like if someone gets diagnosed with cancer or someone’s spouse dies, there are immediately dozens of people cooking food, setting up a meal train, leaping in to help, calling to check in, etc. That said, if you don’t fit in, it’s hard to find a place, and I would not want to be single while living in a place like that. It would have been even more isolating than it was. I was in my 20s, childless, and working an awkward night schedule, so I had a hard time making friends in the way that people with kids could, and overall, while there were a lot of good parts about it, I’m much happier now that I live somewhere bigger. We have the opportunity to go back at pretty much any point, but I would not want to raise my daughter there. I would rather raise her in a place with more opportunities and options for activities.

    15. as someone in the US who did not grow up in a small town, and honestly, despite having moved around a bunch as an adult, i don’t think i know anyone who did, i’ve kind of always dreamed of living in one and i honestly thought all those places in the tv shows were totally made up. i’m fascinated reading all the comments that places like this actually exist.

      1. There are so many great small towns that really deserve to survive, and I hope with the rise of telework and Congress’ focus on rural broadband, more people will come to them.

        1. +1

          Also, in our family’s small town, the next larger town over was basically saved by a few gay (men) pioneers moving in for weekend homes, back when people still had lingering prejudices revolving around AIDS. They were indifferent to the truly awful public schools. That gave way to some restaurants with cloth napkins and a good chain hotel and now a brewery. It has been 20+ years of steady economic progress that has given more opportunities to all in the area. There are still problems (big drug pipeline area, rotten schools, poverty), but it seems to have turned a corner.

          Lorelai Gilmore’s mother could so easily have been from here. People may have nothing, but they can certainly look down their nose at you (b/c they can remember your family had an outhouse and they have always gone to the bathroom inside).

        2. Go to any small town now, though, and it’s all chain restaurants and big box stores. Very few have preserved any original character. All the towns where I grew up have gone this way. The locals ditched Rosa’s Italian restaurant as soon as there was an Olive Garden within driving distance (which may mean up to 45 minutes away.) My uncle lives on a farm in the middle of nowhere but instead of growing his own food, eating local, etc, he has a couple of deep freezers filled with stuff from Costco, a two hour drive away.

          1. Gosh, I’m so sorry to hear that’s the way it is near you. We’re alllll about local pride in our town and fiercely support our local independent businesses. It can be a cycle though – if one business leaves, then another, etc. and it’s tough to break out of.

    17. So I’m from a small California city (it’s bigger now but was smaller when I grew up 50 years ago). Some parts are charming like the downtown Candy Cane lane at Christmas time, and some parts aren’t, like the racism and the rampant alcoholism among my parents’ set at the time – largely replaced by drug abuse in my nieces and nephews’ generation.

      That said, I marched in the band for all the parades, I raised my sheep and showed them and sold them at the county fair, I rode my bike everywhere as a kid and then I drove all over the country side when freedom came along in the form of a drivers license. It was ok growing up there. But when it came time to raise my own kids, for me the choice was always going to be urban.

  3. Fun follow up – my impromptu mani/ pedi resulted in pale pink fingernails and shimmery light blue toes. Thanks for the inspiration!

  4. GM, Hive! Any recommendations for Florence Italy? And any recommendations for intl travel/packing/what to wear? It’s been so long. Thx!

    1. I went a couple of years ago and we did a food based walking tour which was fantastic – I always like a walking tour as an introduction to a city but this was even better because it included tasting 25 year old balsamic vinegar, incredible gelato, and amazing charcuterie

      1. I did a summer semester in Florence a lonnnng time ago but really loved it. Boboli Gardens. The church up on a hill on the Oltrarno side. I generally really liked the Oltrarno side – less crowded, more authentic. Fiesole is lovely.

    2. Go to the Galleria dell’Accademia and see the David! It’s absolutely incredible.

    3. My favorite favorite favorite museum in Florence is the Museo Galileo – its a museum dedicated to historical scientific instruments and the collection dates back to the Medici family! As a scientist I found it fascinating to see not a lot of difference between some of the equipment I use now, and the original version that’s centuries old. Also I really loved just sitting in a little plaza with either wine or some gelato and people watching. There’s really good people watching near the Duomo, along with amazing gelato. Enjoy! Florence is my absolute favorite city and I can’t wait to get back there.

      1. Yes!! Love this museum!

        We also took a bike tour out in the countryside which ended with an Italian cooking class- it was wonderful. Can’t remember the company but we just googled for it.

    4. Stayed at Hotel Brunelleschi in 2019 and it was amazing. Very centrally located in a historic tower.
      We did a VIP Farmer’s Market Tour & Cooking Class through FlorenceTown that was the highlight of our trip – I know there are a lot of cooking class options, but this one was really perfect.

    5. -Eat lunch at Da Nerbone inside the market- I still have dreams about their beef sandwiches.
      -Skip the crowds at Piazzale Michelangelo to see the sunset and instead stop at the rose garden just below- stop at the grocery store and pick up a bottle of wine and cheese on your way to enjoy while watching the sunset,
      -Stroll the Boboli gardens and then enjoy a rooftop drink at Loggia
      -Take a cooking class. We booked one off of AirBnB and it was our favorite experience of the whole trip. We met the chef at a market where he asked us what we wanted to make. We then went around the market gathering ingredients and doing tastings along the way. We then went back to his estate and cooked all afternoon and enjoyed the wine his wife made.
      -Take a bus of the hill to Fiesole- explore the monastery and roman ruins and hike the Leonardo trail for great views of Florence

      2. One thing about buses in Italy, there are often bus strikes during the summer. Check that you’ll get back down the hill as well. (I was stuck once…)

    6. Help! I have my first work trip ever coming up (flight to NYC, staying overnight). This is almost embarrassing to say, but I have never 1) been on a plane, 2) gone to New York, or 3) stayed in a hotel that didn’t involve my entire extended family camping in a giant room block. Anyone care to share tips on how to navigate this without making a fool of myself?

        1. – schedule extra time to get to the airport and get through airport security. Are you willing to share which airport you’re flying from? I suspect large airports like ATL, LAX, OHare, etc are starting to get super crowded, whereas the slightly smaller regional ones might be more manageable
          – HAVE BOARDING PASS READY on your app, and also save an offline copy to your phone. For work travel, I liked printing out a hardcopy of my boarding passes just to be extra safe.
          – One night trip – pack light but make sure you bring your electronic device chargers
          – PLANE – go to restroom in the airport before boarding. Drink water or ginger ale if offered. Or tomato juice. I don’t recommend drinking alcohol on the flight esp for a work flight bc it can make you feel more dehydrated.
          – have all your larger electronic devices (laptop, dslr camera, kindle, ipad) ready to pull out of carryon during security. I recommend packing those near the top of your bag, then repack to distribute weight once you’ve passed security

    8. Florence is one of my favorites. If you’re going to climb the Duomo, pre-book tickets, and get the first slot in the morning. I didn’t think the actual inside of the Duomo was not worth the wait to get in (though if you’re going soon, waits may not be an issue), and would have been contented had I stopped and looked a bit more passing through on my way to climb the dome. Bardini gardens are nice and have a great view (I assume you’re going soon, but if you’re planning for next year, they have an absolutely beautiful wisteria tunnel in late April/early May)–I liked them better than the Boboli Gardens, though they are much smaller. Obviously the Uffizi and the Galleria Dell’Academia to see David (pre-book tickets to this also). Medici Chapel was impressively, ridiculously ornate and worth seeing. We stayed at Ad Astra, which is on the other side of the river from most of the touristy things but not a bad walk and delightful (it’s basically two floors of a mansion and overlooks one of the largest private gardens in Europe, which you can request a tour of. The mansion owner still lives on one of the other floors).

    9. I have a great friend who is an American expat turned tour guide who lives in Florence. If you want the very best personalized private tour ever, hit her up: https://www.claireintheworld.net/about (Or just hit her up and meet her for drinks — she’s the best!) Tell her the cycling honeymooners from So Cal sent you.

    10. David at the Accademia
      Uffizi
      Duomo
      Ferragamo
      Viajiyu shoe store next to Ferragamo..an American owns it!
      Gelato

      Splurge on JEWELLERY at the ponte vecchio.

      1. I haven’t been to Florence since 2004 and still regret not buying that pendant necklace at the bridge. I thought that 350 euros was expensive… You just can’t find this quality in the US.

  5. Has anyone been to Miraval in Austin? Looking at going but would love to honest reviews. Is it worth the expense?Thanks!

    1. Not Austin (didn’t know they opened there) but the OG in Tucson was amazing. Also, for the solo vacationer above, highly recommend. There are things to do if you like, but I just took a lot of yoga and hung out by the pool. Went with a girlfriend but we ended up meeting another woman our age by the pool who I’m still friends with – she was on her own. People were friendly when I was there and it was about 98% female. Kinda like the island in Wonder Woman. I loved it.

  6. To the person who asked about media training yesterday- I’d consider practicing sound bite delivery, work with a coach , or if you have the budget and time, apply for a media boot camp in your industry or a somewhat adjacent field. There are training orgs that do exactly what you were looking for and they often have scholarships. If you don’t have the ability to do a boot camp type training, check with your industry association groups (there’s likely a paid PR person who could give you some quick tips but also provide other resources).

    Source – I’ve had friends complete media boot camp trainings from organizations ranging from Farm Bureau to state Bankers associations to legal advocacy groups in specific topics. All of those friends are now regularly on TV and have an active, high- engagement social media / online presence for personal or work purposes. One of them is a lobbyist and her org sent her to a $10k media training after she got a scholarship for half. Good luck!

    1. Echoing this. And just do all the low stakes stuff, say yes to your local organisation, the local news. I haven’t done the proper BBC training my department offers, but instead, just did lots of random daytime news and radio, and now I’m quite good.

  7. How do you handle pushy internal job applicants? I had an internal applicant show up in my office this morning without an invitation wanting to talk further about the job opening. The office receptionist is not gatekeeping this as she normally would because the applicant is internal. I will talk to the receptionist, but what else can I do about this?

    1. I think just use your words. In some organizations this would be perceived as appropriate relationship building or advocating for yourself. It sounds like in your organization people don’t drop by. It probably depends on whether you think they’re a good candidate (except for maybe this social norm violation). I think it’s fine to say, thanks for your interest, here is the process, i don’t have time to chat just now but you’ll hear from the recruiter or I’d be happy to set up 15 minutes with you to learn a little more about the opportunity.

    2. Honestly? You talk to them about the job opening! Maybe not right then and there if it’s not convenient for you, but there’s no reason to treat an internal candidate the same as an external one unless this is a situation where you’ll be getting tons of internal candidates and your office politics are such that you can’t have a 10 minute conversation with one candidate without doing the same for all. Definitely don’t get into interview-type discussions, but if these are more general questions about how much the person will interact with X department or be involved in Y process, that’s ok to talk about. Keep it short, tell the person you look forward to them applying and/or interviewing, and send them on their way.

    3. I’m not sure the receptionist in is at fault. At every office I worked at the receptionist only controlled external traffic it would be so odd for a receptionist to question employees about where they’re going, who they intend to talk to, and about what.

    4. I wouldn’t bother with the receptionist, do you really want her questioning employees where they are going?

      A pop-by is slightly aggressive – I would have emailed or IMed and asked if you had a minute to chat about the opening – but I wouldn’t go so far as calling this “pushy.”

      1. It’s pushy because they’ve already checked in with me several times to let me know they are applying. I have already answered their questions by e-mail and IM. I get it. They are interested.

        1. well ok, you didn’t say that in your post… use your words with the person. I don’t know how you’d expect the general office receptionist to help here.

        2. Ok – helpful context. I think it’s fine to say, Sally, you’ve checked in with me several times and I appreciate your interest. We’ve got a process going and you’ll hear from us in XXX time about next steps.

        3. Have you responded to those messages? I mean, if not, I’d just say “I saw your application and appreciate your interest! Thank you for your patience as we go through the process to fill the position.” If the applicant is still aggressive, just repeat and trash his app.

    5. Speak to the person about the opening. They aren’t being pushy you are being weird.

  8. Therapy/depression question. I’m depressed because I’m single and desperately want a partner. I’ve been going to therapy for this (and a few other things) off and on for a few years. It helps and I like my therapist but I still feel deeply sad pretty often. What do people do when therapy doesn’t seem to work? Since I know this is tied to a life circumstance (still being single) I’m not sure medication is the answer. Are there other options? Life coaches? Dietary changes? Just keep going to therapy? Joining a cult or becoming a nun? Any advice is welcome.

    1. Take the anti-depressant medication you need. I assure you that being depressed and not effectively managing it is not going to make finding a partner easier.

      2. I was resistant to medication for quite a long time to manage my anxiety. I totally wish I would’ve tried it earlier – it just made things so much easier to handle. I don’t plan to be on it forever, and it doesn’t “fix” the problem, it just turned the dial down enough to where I could manage my life better. However, I know it’s not for everybody.
        With therapy, if you’ve just started, I would give it time – sometimes you need to let it do the work. Also, might be worth it to try someone new if you feel like you’re not being challenged enough.

      3. Take medication if you need. I didn’t (was depressed bc single as well), looking back I should have.

    2. I’m not sure if this is the most sensitive answer, but honestly I’d take the time and energy you’re devoting to therapy and devote it to finding a partner instead. Why focus so much on changing your (perfectly reasonable) emotions towards the situation rather than just changing the situation?

      1. I disagree, and not due to “sensitivity” issues. For one, the process of looking for a partner can be very difficult and draining, and one can never know how long it will take. For all we know, OP’s depression is exacerbated by it already! Secondly, getting “a partner” is not a one-and-done deal with an assured outcome. What if she thinks she has it, but they break up after 6 months? What if she enters a long-term relationship but it’s not a good one? What if she gets a fantastic partner, but they understandably don’t feel comfortable being the one and only buffer between OP and her depression?

        OP, I have also been long-term single and depressed. I would recommend getting more aggressive in how you treat the depression–new therapeutic approach, medication change, other changes to lifestyle that help. I’m sorry and I know it’s extremely hard.

        1. I’d be with you Monday if she said she was depressed AND wanted a partner. But she says she’s depressed because she wants a partner. So the logical thing is change the circumstances. And I was her for years – you have to risk heartbreak to find what you’re looking for. Nothing is foolproof, but if you know what you want, you have to take steps to get there. No amount of drugs or therapy will take the place of a relationship if that’s what you want.

      2. As someone who has been mostly single their entire adult life, not for lack of trying, it’s not that easy. Dating these days is HARD. It’s the wild west out there thanks to online dating. It’s incredibly draining and a huge blow to your self-confidence when it doesn’t work out. This is why I don’t go to my married friends for dating advice – you just don’t get it.

        1. There needs to be a phrase for singles that pushes back on the “smug married” concept … IDK, “sad singles?” “Bitter Bettys?” The person you’re responding to didn’t identify as married. If depression is situational, changing your situation could be an option. As with anything else, medication until things improve also sounds advisable.

          Getting mad at people because they ostensibly have what you want, just why? Is it because anger is a symptom of depression?

          1. The person you’re responding to didn’t rely on the smug married concept. She just said that married people don’t get it. This is generally true. I’ve got a long-married friend who literally told one of my single friends that she just doesn’t know what to say when single friend talks to her about dating and she’s uncomfortable because of that.

          2. There is a fine line between having a SMUG MARRIED friend and being someone who doesn’t listen to good advice.

            There are a lot of people who do everything right but nonetheless struggle to find someone. We live in an imperfect world, and we also live in a world in which marriage is being pushed off more and more. There was a LOT to be said for not getting married when you’re not old enough to drink; somehow that morphed into a lot of people not being married until their late 30s.

            But I know some people who insist on making the same mistakes over and over again. I am thankful to the people who gave me good advice that was tough to give, even when I stubbornly did not listen, and for those who explained to me later what problems they saw in my relationships that I was blind to. Pro tip: do not date someone who wants to ‘someday’ get married and have kids; date someone who wants to have been married yesterday.

            And I have single friends who just… do… not… want to listen. I’m 40 and only met my husband four years ago and they act like I married my high school sweetheart.

          3. I am probably a smug married and this is likely not relevant to OP’s situation but when I was in my thirties and newly married, my single friends used to ask for dating/how to meet men advice from me, mainly because I’d met my then-new husband on a dating app. And I would try to advise them. My advice was usually along the lines of it’s a numbers game, you have to go on a lot of dates, kiss a lot of frogs (so many frogs) and find a way not to take the inevitable rejections along the way personally.

            Now my single friends are in their fifties and I think “why bother?” They all have happy, fulfilling lives, they are complete people, and they don’t need a man to be whole. Maybe as an accessory. Maybe as a FWB. But my point is, not everyone needs to be paired, and your life can be complete with just you in it.

        2. The required credentials for realistic dating advisors are: was completely single less than 5 years ago, for at least 9 months; and/or has spent 2+ years completely single at age 28+.

          Obviously this is arbitrary and I’m mostly just playing. But 9:43 is also right.

          1. Well given that join a cult (tounge in cheek I’m sure) made the list but actually trying to date didn’t, that’s not clear….

          2. It’s implied? Would you assume that someone who asked for job searching advice and didn’t include “applying for jobs” in the list of things she’s tried isn’t actually applying for jobs?

      4. Therapy really doesn’t take that much time/energy. I was single for an excruciatingly long time, in the age of online dating/dating apps, and did lots of therapy for that and other reasons. Dating can take many hours a week plus all of that emotional energy/disappointment/anxiety. Therapy takes, at most 1-2 hours a week if including commuting and is actually productive. I was doing it every other week. The 1 hr/week for therapy has paid off tremendously v. the many hours spent answering “hey, how are you?” messages ad nauseam. Good therapy works at helping you find solutions/strategies to change your situation rather than just changing your emotions about existing situations.

        Now that I’m in a relationship, it’s great to have my therapist there as a resource for navigating the whole new set of challenges that a relationship can bring.

        1. +1 Not to mention therapy helped me immensely to be ready for a relationship when the right person did come along. I personally had a lot of work to do in that areas

    3. I was in your boat a few years ago and medication was the answer. Note: I’m still single (or rather, single again) and not happy about it and no longer on the medication, but the medication definitely got me through the roughest period of my depression.

      1. Agree with “No Problem.” This was me. I was depressed for several years about a lot of things, including perpetual singlehood, and ended up on a low dose of SSRI. It really helped me feel more… me. More able to go out and do things. I think you need to figure out the depression first – I ended up meeting my husband a year later but it wasn’t instantaneous and I think it was due to treating the depression successfully. 8 years later we’re still strong!

    5. Have you read Sara Eckel’s “It’s Not You…”? She takes a more Buddhist approach to this problem and I found it tremendously helpful. I read it a few years ago during a tough time and still turn to it every so often.

    6. I’m struggling a lot lately with “is this something I should see a therapist for or is it a rational response to the world around me and how I experience it?” questions – especially with anxiety about the world reopening (I haven’t yet been able to get a vax) and with loneliness.
      I don’t have any answers, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

      1. Agree. I’m quite stressed about a relative’s declining health and I don’t see how therapy changes the underlying problem at all. I don’t see the stress going away until my relative is safe.

      2. Therapy is absolutely helpful in these situations. It won’t change the problem but it will help you with how you analyze it and how you feel about it and how much you ruminate on it versus doing healthier things. When you are depressed or anxious about a situation you can really lose sight of some more obvious solutions. It also gives you a safe space to vent that isn’t your BFF or spouse that can get sick of hearing you talk about the same sad or stressful thing over and over.

        It is totally fine to go on medication or seek therapy for “normal” stuff. I actually got that advice here when I was dealing with infertility and people reminded me there is therapy and medicine for grief and divorce, why not other normal things.

      3. I lost my child (age three) and was obviously depressed about it. It was definitely situational depression but the anti depressant pills helped me through it as I worked with a grief therapist.

        These tools don’t have to be only for people who are what we might call chemically depressed – the brain not producing the right levels of serotonin or whatever – but can also help with someone whose brain is having an appropriate reaction, but that person still needs to be able to do all the expected things in our modern world – for instance, go to work and be reasonably competent.

    7. Date. Get over whatever aversion you have to apps, get out there and date. It’s a numbers game. Even if you’re not meeting your person right away you’re at least working toward your goal. It’s exhausting and sucks until it doesn’t.

      1. She never said she isn’t dating. I was assuming she is. She also never said she was averse to apps.

    8. Sounds like you are avoiding medication. Take it.

      Analogy: it is advisable to try physical therapy to see if that solves the pain instead of just jumping to surgery. If you’ve done the PT and the pain is still there, it’s time to talk to a surgeon. You need to address your depression with a PCP or a psychiatrist.

      I have been along the journey with many loved ones with depression and/or anxiety. Often, in the throes of it, the mind fixates on a Thing. The Thing is not actually the cause of the issue though. If you don’t address your depression directly but find a partner, you would just be a partnered person with undertreated depression instead of a single person with undertreated depression.

    9. It’s tough when it’s purely situational. Honestly I grinded away at the dating scene until I found someone. I made a point to at least message 3 people a week. It took a very long time. Sure you can be happy single, and it is something to work on, but I needed to know that I tried everything so that I didn’t have regrets. I also got out and did a lot of things to keep myself busy, not to meet people – hanging with friends, all sorts of exotic exercise classes, etc. I would also babysit my nieces and nephews a lot – while fun it’s always a relief to go home and relax after, which you can’t do the same way if you’re a parent.

      1. “ I also got out and did a lot of things to keep myself busy” this is very hard to do when you’re depressed. I think OP should try medication and then hopefully she will feel better enough to do those things.

    10. A couple of thoughts:

      If you’re not actively dating, definitely start. I used to tell myself I had to be less depressed to start dating; for me, this was the wrong way to look at the problem. Similarly, my husband said he started getting depressed about being single in his mid-thirties, but he came to realize that he wasn’t doing anything about it. So, on the chance that you’re like me and you aren’t proactively looking to find a partner but you spend your time in therapy talking about how sad you are that you don’t have a partner, stop that and go look for a partner. Even if you don’t find someone right away, you may find that the act of doing something makes you feel better.

      Second, is there anything else in your life that might be making you miserable? Maybe you need a new job? Something else? My life changed pretty dramatically when I left Biglaw, and I also met my husband about six months later. Just something to consider.

    11. I really don’t know whether meds are appropriate for your situational depression. I have read that they are sometimes appropriate for depression that’s situational, since they can help people change the situation? But I suggest not thinking of the meds as a monolith. You may be hesitant to try SSRIs because of risks of weight gain, fatigue, discontinuation syndrome, or side effects that persist after quitting the med. I certainly wish I had never given SSRIs a try personally. But what about something like a moderate dose of Wellbutrin, which is easy to quit, and has side effects like increased energy and improved focus and weight loss? A good psychiatrist can also discuss over-the-counter options that may be gentler (5HTP, rhodiola, theanine, whatever) but that may still help with sleep or emotional dysregulation or stress tolerance. My philosophy is that placebo effect is good enough for me when it comes to things like this.

    12. Anti-depressants; absolutely. I have been in the same position and medication is what works.

    13. I was single for 8 years (from 30-38) and struggled a lot with it. Things that helped:

      -Going to therapy that was clearly focused on helping me manage my emotional responses rather than sort of randomly talking about my feelings, which made me feel better but didn’t help. Basically, I switched to CBT from standard talk therapy, but I don’t think it has to be CBT necessarily.

      -Taking medication, which helped clear the fog of my depression so that I could more effectively participate in my therapy and make a more clear-headed assessment of my life.

      -Reading Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart and realizing that I had to unblinkingly confront the possibility that I might never find someone and figure out how to accept that possibility and live a good life nonetheless. This was the hardest and most painful part, but ultimately, the part that helped me the most, because after I had really done that I work I was still sad about being single but there was a level of stress that lifted because I had let go of the some of the what-if-this-lasts-forever fear.

      I got together with my now-husband at 38 and am 41 now with a child. He was a longtime colleague that I’d been friendly with, but he was married for most of the time that I knew him. He got divorced and I changed jobs, and then our friendly colleagues thing grew into something else.

    14. I got this idea from here actually – having a partner is a great thing but not having one shouldn’t affect the rest of your life so negatively. I think keeping up dating is much easier when you feel good and confident in general, and of course thats more attractive too.

      A few months ago I asked about feeling directionless in life, and wondered whether it was because I didn’t have a partner. One of the suggestions was to get very involved in a nonprofit, a suggestion given by someone who had a partner. Since then I’ve started dating more regularly and also started doing nonprofit work, and I think the non profit work has actually helped a lot more.

    15. I have a similar feeling but different facts. I feel the same way that you do. I try all of the things and none of it really helps.

      The one thing that I have done that does help is spending more time with people who are in similar life circumstances. The main issue is that when I was spending all my time with them, I lost sight of alternate paths. I could only see one path – their path. That was that path that I wanted, and I thought we were going to go down together. And there they were, on the path we all wanted, while I was waiting on the sidelines. I often felt judged – but therapy helped me realize that they weren’t judging me, but defending their own decisions that they have doubts about. While I love them, the toxic positivity is strong in that group which I find painful.

      During the pandemic, these friends had less time for me due to their kids. So Is ended up spending more time with my friends who are single and/or don’t have kids. And you know what? They do not feel bad about their lives the way I do at all. They want to do all kinds of things my friends with kids used to decline because they were logistically challenging (beach trips, hiking, cocktail bars, outdoor dining in the freezing winter, and now that things have opened up, gym classes, museums, weekend trips, etc). So my life is much more varied now. We talk about a million things, and not one of them is how great having a husband and kids is.

      I am still very sad most of the time, but incrementally less so as I spend more time with friends who are in a similar life stage to me. I am still close with my friends who are married/with kids, but now that’s like 40% of my time instead of 80% of my time. It has been very valuable for me to spend time with people who don’t have the thing I want, and don’t care at all because they are so happy with their life. It helps me envision a future where I feel the same.

      1. +1, although relaying the experience of a friend of mine. She was a bridesmaid to two of her close friends who got married within 2 months of each other when all three were in their 30s. At the time friend had recently broken up with her long term boyfriend. All the wedding stuff was not healthy for her at that time because she also wanted a partner and was mourning the failed relationship.

  9. Would you refinance your student loans now? I have around $70k left, and I have been aggressively paying them down during the last year’s forbearance/0% interest. I have around $10k left in Grad Plus loans (normally 7.65%), and the rest is at 6.55%. I have the ability to lock in a refi with SoFi for 2.99% and not start payments until September. I’m tempted to do it because I think there is <1% chance Biden cancels student loan debt, but I hate to lose out on the federal student loan benefits (and any extension of the forbearance). What would you do?

    1. If the only reason you’ld want to keep them is because you’re holding out hope for cancelling student loan debt, I’d refinance wih SoFi (but wait a few more months for more 0% time)

    2. Why do you think the refinance offer will go away? SoFi has reached put to me multiple times a year for about 7 years. Can’t you just wait to see whether the forbearance is extended? Or is there a reason to believe the refinance terms will change?

      1. I suspect refinancing terms will go up at some point in the next year or so, but probably not in the immediate term. We’re headed for some serious inflation.

        1. I love how now that a Democrat is president low interest rates mean we’re in danger of terrible inflation. It’s like a switch flips on Jan 20. Same with debt.

          1. No, we’re in danger of inflation because we’re experiencing shortages of durable goods and supplies like lumber, which is causing those prices to increase, and we’re feeling the squeeze from Trump-era tariffs. It has nothing to do with Biden directly and everything to do with how the pandemic was handled and the after effects. (I’m a Dem, FWIW.)

    3. In an identical boat. I’m going to wait until the very last minute to refinance. Currently planning on October as forbearance runs through the end of September. That;s three extra months of payments going straight to principle.

      1. I agree with this approach. Three months of 0%, and it is always possible the Administration could extend the date further.

  10. Drives me nuts that Amour Vert has this advertised as a silk shirt when it’s 100% viscose. I wish it was easier to find clothing made from natural materials and inaccurate labeling just makes it harder.

          2. At least with “almond milk” you know that almonds are involved. Nouveau isn’t a material.

            If they’d called it “silky viscose” or “viscose silk” then it would be a lot more obvious. (And sound stupid AF.). Haven’t looked at the description so can’t comment on that.

  11. I have recently bought a few Boden Margot jersey dresses from Poshmark and am in love. I want to have a whole wardrobe of them, but I don’t love all of the prints currently available in my size. Can anyone recommend other dresses that are similar in cut (scoop neck, defined waist), materials, and quality? I have a few ModCloth jersey dresses which have a similar cut but the fabric is wearing out quickly. Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. Would the Amelie work for you? (Also Boden)
      I love them on me (wearing one right now) but the higher neckline might not be what you’re looking for.

      1. Thanks Ribena! I did see the Amelie as well. Will keep that in mind but would indeed prefer a lower neckline!

  12. Curious. Have you ever slept at your office? If yes, was it a nap or overnight/wee hours? One time thing or did you go through a spurt of heavy hours? What did you sleep on (floor?)?

    I’ve witnessed people fall asleep in meetings, interviews, and over video conference. I’ve also seriously considered napping under my desk but never have.

    1. When I was pregnant I took naps on the couch in a supervisor’s office when he wasn’t there. He entirely approved. Most pregnant women in my office did this at one point or another.

      1. This – I was working at home (aside from travel) for most of my pregnancy due to a health issue it caused but I remember joining a group call and waking up to hold music 45-minutes later at my desk. It was fine, I was in listen only mode, but I was SO embarrassed that happened. The first trimester ‘I feel like I got hit by a truck’ exhaustion is real.

    2. I have put my head down on my desk, sitting in my chair. This was before I had a glass wall. I set a timer so I would just nap.

    3. I had a coworker that would put his feet on his desk, lean back in his chair, and snooze. Usually while listening to a boring webex meeting.

    4. I attended a mandatory new manager training while heavily pregnant that was on the opposite side of the country which was held RIGHT after my team’s main industry event where I was pulling 15-18 hour days. I absolutely nodded off in some of the big town hall talks where the highly paid guest speaker talked at us for 60-90 minutes. I tried my best to sit in the back and be discrete but that was a rough event overall. I’ve also seen colleagues who have pulled all-nighters/been at the tail end of crazy work weeks nod off in large group meetings where it’s more of a ‘listen to senior partner X talk for 60 minutes’. It’s generally not a big deal as everyone ‘gets’ the reason, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone fall asleep in smaller calls.
      I frankly cannot imagine falling asleep during an interview, that would be SO insulting to the person you’re speaking with! If you’re that exhausted take the call standing up, make it short, or reschedule.

    5. I have a job that is mostly M-F 9-5 but a few weeks a year is 24/7 so I’ve worked my fair share of night shifts. The shifts are usually somewhere between 12-18 hours, and going 12 days straight is normal for us. So I’ve taken many a cat nap curled up in my desk chair. It’s normal in this line of work (we’ll trade naps with our coworkers) but would never do it during daylight hours.

    6. I have napped at my desk many times, especially when pregnant or when I had an infant in the house. An intentional 10-15 minute nap does wonders. I would close my door and put my head down on my desk.

    7. I have napped face down on my desk and also slept in my car. Years ago I did the office floor thing but that was an all-nighter in times before I could really do the work from home.

    8. No, but during the sleep deprived, longest-day-of-my-life that was my son’s first year, I did occasionally slide to the in-building parking garage to nap in my car.

    9. I have, but I’m a frequent migraine sufferer. 20 minutes with an ice pack in a dark room is sometimes necessary.

    10. Yes, I have napped under my desk many times during long trials where I was working 18 hour days. I kept a small travel pillow in my office for this precise reason. I also frequently wished for a contraption like George had on Seinfeld, haha.

    11. Yup. I used to take a medication that left me constantly drowsy, and I’d regularly close my door and put my head down on my desk for 15-20 minutes in the afternoon. Thank goodness for offices and doors – I feel so, so bad for anyone with an open plan or glass office. The privacy and being able to shut the door when concentrating is so valuable.

    13. I have had two judges fall asleep on me during big meetings I was facilitating. One’s colleagues laughed it off as a common occurrence (he snored). With the other one, everyone else pretended not to notice. I did wonder whether it happened on the bench and how that would go.

      Otherwise I’ve never seen anyone asleep at work.

    14. I napped once when I had a vicious headache. Went into an empty office, locked the door and turned off the lights until the advil kicked in.
      I watched our COO fall asleep in a meeting – honestly I couldn’t blame him, I was drifting off too. It was raining, we were in the middle of a boring powerpoint, the room was a touch too warm … I’m getting sleeping just thinking about it.

    15. Yes, napped in the office (door closed, behind/under desk, lights off, DND on phone) due to headaches or irresistable sleepiness (…and once, waaaay back, due to a vicious hangover!).

  13. I’m getting ready to return to the office next month and I think I could use some new basics. What are your favorite black and/or navy blue jackets? I want them to look good with dresses and have some stretch for comfort. TIA!

    2. The JCrew Going Out Blazer. C-ll-rless and b-tt-nless is so much more flattering on me.

    3. I’m going to try to talk you into a multicolored tweed jacket here, ala a Chanel jacket. You can go beiges or greys/whites depending on your coloring and what you want to wear them with. They look great with all kinds of solids whether it’s a dress or a pants/top kind of outfit. Love them.

      For me it’s key not to get the original boxy cut because I’m tall and I just look like I grew out of my jacket, but obviously this depends on your personal shape.

  14. Does anyone have practical advice to share re: planning for a baby and/or maybe the first year of their life? For example, I recently heard someone suggest trying to save your max out of pocket deductible ahead of time as you’ll potentially max out or get pretty close so it’s helpful to have it separate from your emergency/every day funds. Related, another person suggested trying to plan (to the extent possible) to have the pregnancy and birth in the same year to minimize your out of pocket costs.

    I’d never heard advice like this before – it’s usually things like when trying to get pregnant, go off birth control…so I’m wondering if anyone else has more practical advice to share.

    1. If you have a kid late in the year, you can re-do your flex spending for medical and take out more if you’re not maxing out, but you may not have that many paychecks left in the year, so YMMV on that.

    3. Something I wished someone had reminded me of – when it’s open enrollment time and your employer offers Hospital Indemnity, sign up! I know many women who had c-sections, and were able to use the payment from hospital indemnity to cover their out of pocket max related to the birth. I missed the boat on this with my last pregnancy and I’m still kicking myself.

      Also talk to other mothers at your company and understand all your leave options. It’s an open secret at my company that you can take 16wks of leave, and whatever you don’t take on the front end right after birth, you can use throughout your child’s first year of life. Most women at my company take 12wks right after birth, and then they have 4wks to use in the next 9 months, and most take that by working a 80% schedule as they adjust back to work. Being able to work at 80% after my first child was a huge help to me as a new mom with no local family support.

    4. Definitely understand your benefits, including flex spending for dependent care and health care.
      Think through when the additional costs will come up – like you may have significant copays for labor & delivery, but maternity leave itself may be less costly since you don’t have to pay for childcare… childcare costs when you return to work can be staggering, and those costs will be there (in some capacity…) for many years to come so you need to budget accordingly.
      Don’t buy all the supplies before baby is born, as you may find that your kid doesn’t like swings or a certain kind of stroller, etc. Borrow what you can, or find a reliable and safe second hand source for equipment (my neighborhood church had an annual “Children’s Garage Sale” that was a goldmine for barely used yuppie kids supplies).

    5. This really depends on your health insurance. When I had my first I had a high deductible plan- something like $5k for me and $10k for the family. I didn’t max my OOP (which maybe was like $20k?) but I definitely hit the individual deductible. I did have that saved in an HSA ahead of time.

      If you have a more traditional $500 or $1000 deductible, yes, you’ll hit that. Routine pregnancy/delivery is ~$20k. +/- $5k. Expect to pay your entire deductible, whatever your hospital copay is, then the copay/coinsurance for the rest. OBGYN is usually a global bill, so one or two copays max. One off scans might be billed separately if they are not part of the standard pregnancy routine, so plan a copay for that imaging.

      If you want the blood testing for genetics / sex and are not otherwise eligible (age, risk factors), plan to pay out of pocket ($500-$1k).

    7. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, buy a package of gigantic pads if you don’t normally have them around. If something goes wrong, you will need them. If everything goes right, you will need them post-partum. Don’t be me driving to Walgreens at 9:00 PM with a gigantic wad of toilet paper in your underwear in the midst of what I thought was a miscarriage. (Turns out it was not, he’s 4 now.)

    8. As soon as you find out your pregnant, and long before you tell your family, get on daycare waiting lists. Schedule time to go on tours to express interest. Call them to keep expressing interest. If you decide later that daycare isn’t the best fit for your family, you can always take your name off the list.

      1. So much this. Get on multiple waitlists right now—one is not enough. Don’t be me. Kid 1, had to get a temper nanny because getting on the waitlist as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test didn’t get us a spot on time. Nanny was great, all worked out.

        Kid 2, despite getting on the waitlist right away and having sibling preference, we couldn’t get a daycare spot for a very long time. Couldn’t find a good (temporary) nanny despite being willing to pay a ton, other daycares were all full, it was terrible.

    9. Talk to the ob’s office / your insurance about how billing works – I was told that they would charge most things to the calendar year that baby is born in.

    10. Sleep in frequently, just because you can. Go on an amazing vacation before you’re pregnant – either extremely relaxing or busy, depending on your preference.

      I know this isn’t what you’re looking for, but it really is my best advice.

    11. get life insurance before you start trying. i think trying to plan to have the pregnancy and birth in the same year sounds nice in theory, but for most people, even those using fertility treatments, is much much harder in practice. get a will in place before you give birth. think about childcare costs.

    12. You should also ask this on the moms site. If you think you are going to get pregnant and your employer offers several health insurance plans, research the differences in costs for prenatal and delivery coverage. There can be substantial differences. Ditto coverage for fertility treatments, if you have any concerns that might be an issue.

      Also understand the timing for when and how to get your baby added as a dependent on insurance — a friend missed the window by 1 day and it was a complete battle to get coverage for her kid. I think she ended up doing a state marketplace plan until the next open enrollment.

    13. Trying to plan pregnancy and birth in the same year gives you such a short window. Nice if it happens but I wouldn’t count on it.

      1. Yup! I’m due in December and somebody made the comment of how inconvenient it is that baby will be born around the holidays. I’ll take any baby I can get!

        OP, set aside extra money, get a ballpark of what daycare costs in your area, know your insurance and workplace leave policies, and then let go of being able to plan for everything :-)

        1. Congratulations! And yes, I always sort of chuckle at comments like these. Best of luck to you but things don’t always turn out how they are planned. And also, lots of babies do not abide by the suggestion of their due date (thanks first born for the surprise arrival 3 months early…he’s totally fine and healthy now at 3!)

        2. Right! My best friend tried to plan the pregnancy and the birth in the same year. She got a January 2nd baby.

  15. Talk to me about bike commutes in the summer. I’ve been biking to work for about 11 months, but last summer there were few people in the office so I felt less self conscious about being sweaty.

    My bike commute is easy – 3 miles mostly flat. My office has no where to freshen up really, let alone change and I have to walk through the entire office to drop off my bike before I could freshen up (so I don’t feel comfortable biking in workout clothes because I’d have to pass everyone before I could take them off).

    Luckily my office is bis cas and my makeup routine is minimal (“complexion booster”, waterproof eyeliner and waterproof mascara) and I don’t ever do my hair. I do bike with a backpack on too (bike isn’t set up for panniers). I usually workout and shower in the morning before my commute so at least I’m “fresh”.

    I live in a decently hot and very humid climate (high is 90, humidity is 85% today!) so sweating is inevitable. Not looking to avoid being gross , just looking to mitigate it!

    1. Get set up for a pannier. It’s the only way to avoid back sweat. Otherwise, I bring fresh underwear on the hottest days and just change in the bathroom. It’s annoying but so is crotch sweat.

      1. Maybe I’ll take it into my bike shop and ask about panniers. My bike is old and so I wasn’t planning on investing into it at all but I’ll rethink the panniers.

    2. I’ve never cycle commuted in that heat but my thoughts would be:
      1 – if your bike *can* take a back rack, I would encourage you to use one – not having a backpack will really help.
      2 – when I cycle commuted I used to wear a standard tee (not a workout one) and then change it for my real shirt in the bathroom. For my money that’s the single biggest thing that made me feel fresher.
      3 – you obviously already know this but going slower, especially on shady bits of your commute where you might be able to cool down a bit, might help. I would arrive sweaty when walking anywhere in that heat too so I know there’s a ‘minimum achievable level of glowy.’

      And on that last point – I think we can all help to evolve norms about women (especially) having to look perfectly put together at all times.

    3. From my past life biking as a student-
      1. Bike slower in hot weather.
      2. Get yourself set up with panniers. A bike shop can do this if you don’t want to DIY. A heavy backpack in the summer just makes for lots of back sweat!
      3. Consider wearing a layer that you can remove when you get in just using a bathroom stall (like – plan to wear lots of skirts or dresses and wear bike shorts under them). Then you’re ditching the clingy, damp layer.

    4. Changing clothes makes a big difference. Can you go in a Starbucks or something and use the bathroom to change? Or is there a bathroom you can change in before going through the office? Lock the bike outside temporarily first? Alternately, go in a little earlier so fewer people are there. Putting your bag on the bike will keep your back less sweaty too – ask a bike store if you can install a rack on the back (which could hold panniers or a basket) or a front basket.

    5. I live in Florida and have a longer, hilly commute (We have hills in north Florida). I ride in in bike clothes and change in my office. Other than one person who asked me, while next to my bike and kitted out in spandex, if I ride to work (Nah, I just like the shorts!), it’s totally unremarkable.

      I keep an extra pair of shoes at work, so I don’t have to schlep those back and forth. My lunch and change of clothes fit in my backpack. I bring my bike up to my floor and stow it there to avoid having to remember and mess with a lock.

    6. Do you work solely in an office with a closed door? Because I would honestly be grossed out to work in close proximity to a visibly sweaty, probably kind of smelly, coworker.

      1. Nope. You also can’t make it from the parking lot to the office without sweating, so nobody is pristine here, even the drivers.

        1. Oh please. Like a 3 mile bike ride isn’t different than a walk from the parking lot. Don’t kid yourself. Sitting next to a sweaty co-worker who hasn’t changed her clothes- as OP hasn’t- is gross.

          1. yeah, OP, sorry, this is not at all the same thing. Feeling a little sticky for a minute after walking 3 minutes in a parking lot is on nowhere near the same level as someone who has been actively exercising for 3 miles!

          2. 3 miles on a bike on a flat route is what, 15-20 minutes of easy to moderate exertion? Plenty of people in DC walk to work on routes that are that long, or walk 10+ minutes from the nearest metro or bus stop, when it’s 95 degrees out. Or go out midday to grab lunch or go to a client’s office and wind up outside for 10 or more minutes during the hottest part of the day. I’ve been that person, and worked next to those people. It’s really not a big deal, no one is that sweaty or smelly, and are typically cooled down within about 10 minutes of arriving in the building. Just have some wet wipes and spare deodorant in your office to refresh your pits and maybe change your undies if it’s a particularly sweaty day.

      2. Biking gives me a nice breeze as I pedal. I don’t get especially hot and sweaty while biking usually, even if it’s hot. I definitely wouldn’t jog to work but biking is fine.

      3. Who are all y’all who don’t sweat? This is a level of weird that goes beyond normal hygiene. A little sweat does not equal smelly. Three miles is not a long ride. That’s maybe 10 minutes. Do you never go outdoors?

        1. Yeah, I definitely glisten a little after my ride but I’m not smelly and I am not dripping sweat. I go slowly (and there’s a traffic light every block) so it takes about 15 minutes.

          Very few of my coworkers drive to work – some bike and most walk or take the subway so everyone is a little damp by the time they get to work (and those who do drive have a ~5 block walk into the office)

          1. That’s great that a bunch of your coworkers ride! I’m one of two in my building (very, very car-centric southern city). Not having to worry about the crazy people and gas lines a few weeks ago was wonderful.

          2. Well it’s less than 5, if I had to guess, and I’m probably the only one who rides every day. It’s a small office!

        2. I think this must be partly a health/biology/genetic thing. I have some health conditions that are well managed, but if I sweat, I stink. This is even with prescription antiperspirant. I can’t take the bus in hot weather without needing a sink shower and a shirt change at work (which is probably inadequate honestly), so I can’t even imagine walking or cycling in without smelling.

          1. Fully admit that when I do an actual workout I smell! But the bike commute is leisurely.

        3. Hard agree. This is what I meant above about doing our bit to help change the norms that everyone (and let’s be honest this pressure is mostly on women) should arrive at work looking pristine. In winter there’s a real visible difference between my colleagues who drive to work (to the car park under the building) and everyone else, and I have definitely felt judged by some of the former group when I arrive looking rained-on. This is Scotland, not Runway magazine, it happens. (Likewise in summer when they step out of A/C and straight into the office and those of us who walk are… slightly glowy).

    7. Would anyone care if you were clearly coming in with your bike and then going directly to change? I wouldn’t bat an eyelid, and would sideeye anyone who judged.

      1. +1 I’ve seen some many colleagues including my grand boss in biking spandex, it’s just…not a big deal. No one cares, we are reasonable people who know how physical activity works.

      2. +1 It’s clear you are biking to work, I DGAF what you are wearing and wouldn’t look twice at you.

      3. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I work in a somewhat hostile environment and don’t feel comfortable being in the office in workout attire (yes, I’m job searching)

      4. I would be impressed you’re biking to work! Would not judge in the slightest. People at my work (mostly men) do it regularly, Spandex and all.

    8. Getting rid of the backpack is going to go a long way – can you add a basket or rear rack or do a frame bag, instead? I like biking in a loose tank top – think boxy linen so that you can “air out” as you ride. You could also look into technical or even mountain biking t-shirts that would encourage sweat to evaporate without being too revealing for the office – something like the Rapha commuter reflective t-shirt might do the trick. Keeping facewash at the office and washing your face in cool water when you arrive can help calm down any kind of biking flush.

    9. In office bathroom + baby wipes. I used to run at lunchtime without a shower. I would get a super light windbreaker and wear a sports bra underneath, plus biking work pants. Wear the windbreaker while walking through the office. Would also bring a change of underwear.

    10. I did this (3 mile bike ride, not always changing clothes) to commute in DC for years. You’ve already gotten a lot of the good comments, but here is what worked for me.
      -Shower right before I leave the house so my hair is wet
      -Go slowly
      -Wear dresses with bike shorts underneath
      -Wear skirts with bike shorts underneath and change your shirt once you get in (even if you bike in a shirt that looks work appropriate, you’ll feel way better if you change
      -As soon as you get in, go take off the sweaty bikeshorts and sweaty top stuff in the bathroom stall, wipe down with wet wipes, wash your face and do your makeup. Bonus, you’ll have a minute there for your temperature to regulate.
      -On really hot days, walk past everyone in workout clothes, and then go change. If it’s 95 degrees outside it’s 95 degrees outside. People get it. You can also get in a little early on those days to make it cooler and have fewer people around. Obviously, you know your office. Mine has a lot of people who did the Peace Corps, so they are pretty chill with weird habits.
      -Take a moment downstairs to catch your breath and drink some water, wipe your face and neck off with a wet wipe before you go inside.

      All that said, I always did have access to a shower, and in the hottest days of the summer there was just kind of no option but to wear fully exercise clothes and change once I got in. If that’s absolutely not a possibility there may have to be some days where you just don’t bike.

      1. Oh and DEFINITELY get your bike set up for panniers. It will be a game changer for sweat and also just makes bike commuting so much better.

    11. What about packing a wet washcloth with an icepack in a ziploc? Would feel more clean after using that than baby wipes personally.

    12. I occasionally bike commute, and second the recommendation below to try bike shorts under a dress/skirt if you wear them. i have no shame about hiking my dress up to my waist while biking, but it will hide your shorts while you’re walking through the office.

      I think you’re ultimately going to need to get a bike that takes panniers if you’re carrying something laptop or paper sized. I think you can get a commuter beater for like 200 bucks. If you really can’t swap bikes or put on a basket or something, maybe you can use a more fanny pack-style bag? It won’t help you with the weight of your stuff, but I find I’m WAY less sweaty if my back isn’t covered by a backpack.

  16. Midlevel litigator in need of advice. I am a people pleaser to a fault. I’m very insecure and have this out of control need for everyone to like me. It’s affecting my career because I have trouble standing up to my opposing counsel. I agree to things I shouldn’t and can’t get “tough” with them. I often don’t realize I’ve been bulldozed until afterwards. Any advice for learning to turn off the overly agreeable part of my brain and being more assertive?

    1. I am a transactional attorney, so I don’t know your specific experience, but I never agree to concessions on the phone or quickly upon request. I tell the other side I need to consider it. Then it gives me breathing room to think about all the implications, and prepare for a disagreement

    2. I think you can probably work on this in small doses. Here would be some things that I would try.
      – First, try to screen phone calls, let them leave a message or follow up with an email. That way, you don’t have to agree to anything in the moment, you can consider the request and then respond in an email. When you get a call/email, take some time to think through the implications before you respond. You don’t need to reply immediately, hours later is fine and you might find it easier to say no once some time has passed.
      – Have a default answer to *everything* for when you are on the phone. Don’t make yourself say “yes” or “no” right away. Have something in mind – “I’ll need to run that by the client, but they might have an objection;” “I’ll need to look at my calendar/the court’s scheduling order/the statute and get back to you on that.”
      – Try to say yes to the things that truly don’t matter (like a simple extension of time or other things) and extend professional courtesies where you can. You should know that generally speaking, people don’t dislike other people (and won’t dislike you) just for not agreeing to everything. But if you’re just being an a-hole for the sake of it (looking at you, my opposing counsel from yesterday) that’s what people dislike. Run of the mill disagreements aren’t really going to get you on my hate list.

    3. This is what works for me. Reframe it: you want your client to like you, not OC. You still have someone to please here, and it’s your client/the partner. I imagine myself explaining to partner/client why I did or didn’t say something that I knew I should or shouldn’t say or why I agreed to something I knew I shouldn’t, and that is usually a far less pleasant prospect than saying it to OC. Obviously, work on the people pleasing issues so you don’t overwhelm yourself by being a people pleaser to your client/partner, which is a whole different ball game. Remember that you are playing a role. You in your attorney role and *you* are not the same. OC does not know you as a person or care about you as a person. Even if they’re bothering to judge you, it doesn’t matter at all. Their opinion of you as a person or a litigator does not matter and there’s a 99% chance you won’t even remember the conversation in a year.

      Not sure what geographic area you’re in, but in my area of law and part of the country, counsel are generally very cordial to each other even if we’re disagreeing. That makes it easier. One of our firm’s star litigators has developed a knack for being quite firm but so pleasant about it that opposing counsel barely even knows what hit them when she’s through with them.

    4. I agree to professional courtesies like extending deadlines easily, with the caveat that it can’t effect my ability to meet other deadlines in the scheduling order, and if it does, we need to get that addressed at the same time. For example, sure, you can have an extra month to complete depositions, but we will need to file a motion with the court to modify the scheduling order for an extra month for our side to file the MSJ. If you know what a call is going to be about, like a discovery dispute, pre-write your responses to things you know you should not agree to. I simply say, “We are going to be maintaining that objection” and if they argue or try to tell me about how they are going to file a motion with the court, I say, “That’s fine, it’s your right. Let’s move on to the next question because we are firm on this” and I bring up the next issue, closing out the other one. All of this is said pleasantly with no anger or irritation. Your number one job is protecting the client, so don’t make these conversations personal. It is all in service of the client and counsel who are courteous and professional understand this because they are doing the same thing.

  17. Has anyone tried spironolactone for female hair loss?

    I’ve been using (brand-name) Rogaine since the beginning of the year, but my thinning is only getting worse. I expected this eventually due to my mom and gram losing hair, but I’m only 40 so it seems early to me. (I get frequent labs for other issues, so it isn’t a deficiency or anything.)

    I have my annual derm appointment in August, but that feels so far away.

    1. I’m on spiro for acne (seems unfair to be in my 40s and have acne but c’est la vie) and naturally have very thin hair. I do think I lose less, but not anything so noticeable that I would think it’s changing how thin my hair is.

      Might be worth a call to the derm to see if they have any recommendations in the meantime, or anything they will have wanted you to try first before your Aug appt, so you can get started right away if the dr thinks it’s a good fit.

    2. Try agent nateur holimane if you can get it. works great for me. i am bit younger but it repaired my hair after eating disorder/stress made a lot fall out.

    3. I have used spiro on and off for hair loss for 8 years. My hair is naturally thick, but I occasionally get major increases in hair loss, and the spiro definitely seems to help slow and then stop them.

    4. Well, I was on spironolactone for cystic acne until the pandemic hit, but ran out and my PCP retired so I went off it because I couldn’t get it refilled easily. Then I lost a lot of hair, and was worried it was an early ?perimenopause symptom, and posted on this site asking for advice. Someone actually mentioned the spironolactone connection, which hadn’t occurred to me!

      For me, spironolactone was amazing for my lifelong cystic acne, and also slowed the excess hair growth on my body and helped my decrease the stink of my sweaty summer feet! I did have to stay hydrated, as it is a diuretic (makes you pee a bit), or else I would get a little lightheaded from low blood pressure.

      Have you gotten on the derm wait list? You can also just call once or twice a week and see if a last minute cancellation happens. If you are polite, they may remember you and try to squeeze you in earlier.

    5. For whatever its worth, I take a low-ish dose for acne and have naturally thin/straight hair. I definitely have noticed more volume/less hair loss.

  18. Random question — do people not do meds for ADHD for kids now? We are about to start them and a doctor (specialist we don’t regularly see) advised against them b/c you can’t ever stop once you get on and there are addiction risks (and maybe other things). I had thought that ADHD was like having allergies — it is a medical condition, the need to medicate the condition is likely to be continuing over a long term, and there shouldn’t be a stigma to treating it with medication (along with talk therapy, working on organizational skills, tutoring, adequate exercise, good nutricion, good screen time habits). Yes? No?

    I was really taken aback. [I get that the Varsity Blues parents all had their kids labeled for ADHD, which possibly they had, mainly to get extra time and the private room they needed to have a proctor actually take the ACT/SAT, but that doesn’t mean that ADHD isn’t real for the kids who have it with a diagnosis from someone not peddling an admissions scam.]

    1. My husband is 41, in early liver failure, and his gastro blames it on 20+ years of Ritalin. I can’t say what the new gen meds are like, though.

      2. Wow – I am so sorry to hear this. Is this what the gastroenterologist says the cause is? Could I be so intrusive to ask what his presenting symptoms/labs were like and if he had a liver biopsy?

        The liver has amazing regenerative capabilities and this would be a rare complication so I will be hopeful for you that his liver will rebound. Keep us posted.

      3. I’m so sorry you and he are dealing with that. Does his gastro think it is because of that specific med or just meds in general. I have had to be on meds for a variety of medical conditions since age 13 and my GI regularly does liver and kidney panels. I didn’t get the impression any one med I was on was worse than others, just that long term med use can tax the organs.

        1. Usually it is specific medications that may have an effect on the liver, or the kidney, or other organs long term. In addition, if you are on multiple medications, sometimes those meds can interact and have additive effects. It is not a general consequence of being on medications long term.

    2. totally anecdotal but I’m friends with a bunch of 28-35 year old lawyers in my cohort who struggle with medical dependency on vyvanse and to hear them talk about ‘getting through the week/month’ until their next prescription sounds like not a way I’d like to live.

      1. What does it mean to be medically dependent? If they are taking the right dose, why would they run out before the next Rx is available?

        My understanding is that often older kids get enough coping / organizational skills they they tend to not need it (or need as much) later on or as adults.

        1. As the wife of an ADHD sufferer: these drugs are highly regulated and often in artificially short supply, because DEA. You get 28 days, no extras. They do not allow auto-refill, nor do they allow mail order scripts. If you show up on day 28 for your refill and they’ve run out of pills, you’re SOL until they get another shipment. And believe me when I say that going cold turkey will eff you up. My husband has to take PTO and sweats through his clothes while lying awake for three days straight.

          It’s all government BS that makes people’s lives unnecessarily difficult and affects their health, in order to “save” the addicts who misuse the drugs.

          1. I thought that that was mainly for opioids or b/c people can use drugs recreationally. Not for normal people refilling things on time.

            OTOH, what is the alternative in the world we actually live in — nothing and just get used to it?

          2. +1 to Anon at 11:23. I’m a 34 year old lawyer who was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago. (Everything makes sense now!). These drugs are extremely regulated. In my state I can’t get meds delivered to me. There are NO extras. No auto-refill. There are tight controls on when they can be prescribed for emergency use, and also what form the prescriptions can take (electronic/fax/paper). I get that drugs need regulation and that people without ADHD should not access them… it just seems so inane to me when methylphenidate makes me calm to the point I could lay down for a nap and Vyvanse turns the noise in my head down from 10 to 5 and lets me say, “oh, okay, we’re going to take this deposition now.” So dangerous.

          3. This. Stimulants are so regulated it is ridiculous. There is no reason pharmacies should be prohibited from doing a partial fill. They give you 3 to get through and then you come back for the rest when it is in stock. But, alas, they are not allowed to. Makes zero sense to me. Non-controlled meds are partial filled all of the time. You should be allowed to have an extra weeks worth at a time to avoid these situations. No one is becoming addicted from 7 pills. You get 28-30 at the start of the month, what is 7 more?

          4. anon@11:25, stimulants and opioids are both Schedule II drugs. Every single law and regulation and policy that’s made it more difficult to get opioids has made it equally more difficult to get stimulants. In my area, there is frequently a shortage (Costco has had the most reliable supplies, and Walgreens the least reliable). Prescriptions can’t be transferred between pharmacies, unless the pharmacies share the same electronic system (spoiler alert, even chain pharmacies don’t most of the time), so it’s a huge pain when your pharmacy runs out.

      2. I am one of these lawyers. 30 and have been trying to come off vyvanse for months – feel like it destroyed my ability to think/function without it and I wish I never started taking it.

      3. I’m confused by this statement. My daughter(age 18) is on Vyvanse and she takes it on school days and doesn’t during holiday breaks and weekends, unless she really needs to study. No issues starting and stopping and no dependency. Her psych said there is no risk of dependency. And she said that as she goes to college and sees what studying things you want to study (as opposed to have to study) is like, she may not need them as much.

        Yes, getting Vyvanse is a pain, but they give you a 30 day or 90 day supply and she only uses weekdays, usually, so we just plan ahead when she’s starting to get low.

        1. I also think Vyvanse is less likely to be abused. I was on that initially but it made my heart race too much.

    3. I think it really depends on the severity of the ADHD and how much the school is willing to make accommodations (as well as how much the parents are willing to invest in therapy/OT). Meds can be helpful, but seems to be a MUCH bigger focus now on therapists who focus on coping strategies/executive function skills/OT to address SPD issues and skill gaps. Schools are also much more willing to give kids breaks/opportunities for fidgets or physical movement, extra time on tests, etc.
      Anxiety and depression CAN be a risk for those kids because they realize they may not be meeting expectations, but again, it is much less of a risk if you ID and treat the issues early.

    4. My 6 year old has been on meds for ADHD since he was 4. Granted, 4 is very young, and 6 is still young. We are now dealing with some pretty severe side effects, and he has to take additional medicines and see additional specialists to deal with the side effects. I wouldn’t want him to be on it if it weren’t absolutely necessary. There are more drugs and formulas approved for 6 year olds, so this summer we’re experimenting with drugs and dosages and XR to try to curb the worst of the side effects . The scariest of the side effects include decrease in appetite, which has caused weight loss and put him in “failure to thrive” (he’s 38 pounds), plus chronic constipation, which led to a whole mess of complications this past spring. His gastroenterologist is discussing a feeding tube as a potential option.

      Impulsive aggression is a component of my son’s ADHD. The first time his therapist observed him in the classroom (when he was 2), she recorded 14 aggressive incidents in an hour. On the one occasion we forgot to give my son his medicine before school, the teacher texted that he was under the desk, throwing chairs at people, and trying to stab anyone who approached him with a pencil. We’ve spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars in individual therapy (child/therapist, parent/therapist, and child/parent/therapist), play therapy, and occupational therapy. My son’s daycare had team meetings and behavioral plans every few months. He’s in a school for neuro-atypical kids, with teachers trained in special education. He’s made huge strides, especially in the last year, and he’s happy and confident and doing well in school. I am so, so grateful for the medication options we have–even with all the progress he’s made, there’s no way he could safely attend school or be around his cousins or even be safe by himself at home if he didn’t have it.

      1. So does a child like this grow out of it or is he going to have to be on meds forever to get thru college, work etc? Or is it different for every child?

        1. A child w/ severe mental health issue, like an adult with severe mental health issues, will likely be on medication for life . . . like many other chronic illnesses.

        2. Honestly, we have no idea what aspects he will grow out of, what aspects therapy will help with enough, etc. I expect he’ll need medication for the rest of his life, as well as a lot more therapy, to have a chance at a happy, fulfilling life.

          1. I truly wish the best for your son, and admire you for your dedication to his wellbeing. You guys have made tremendous progress. But I’m sure it was totally exhausting and overwhelming.

            Thinking of you, and hope you are able to get the support you need to breathe and be happy and healthy too.

    5. So I’m a lawyer that was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20’s after law school / the bar. I took a low dose of extended release Adderall for a couple of years but had zero problem stopping it when I wanted to TTC. I don’t know why the doc says you can never stop taking it. Not only did I have no problem stopping, my ADHD was MUCH better as I now had learned good habits and behaviors that I was able to carry over to my non-medicated life. I stopped interrupting people for example.

      So, I can’t say what it is like to take the meds as a kid but as an adult taking them for a couple years was NBD.

      That said, I NEVER abused them or took extra. It sounds like the person above me talking about friends trying to get through until their next refill took more than they should and that is why they are out of meds before their refill.

      1. I have a kiddo on ADHD medication, and all of this. I don’t understand “trying to get through” to the next refill. That simply should not be happening. I also question the OP’s doctor’s assertion that if you start, you’re on them for life. Kids often change medications as their needs change, or it may take some time to find the right ones. Some adults are able to wean off of them and discontinue. IDK what the answer is. Meds have been life-changing for my kid, and I would not want him to be without this resource. He still does therapy and such; meds aren’t a panacea, but they are an important tool.

      2. Nope, pharmacies are limited in the amount they’re allowed to stock. If you show up at the wrong time, they may not have enough to refill you. Chronic understocking of ADHD meds is a widely known issue.

      3. My brother has been on them for almost 15 years. He’s similarly never had issues.

        I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure when he was in school he went off meds for summer break (under doctors guidance, though I’m sure my mom prompted that).

        My mom was so concerned about potential misuse (by my brother or someone else) that through high school she kept the medication and gave him his pill each day. That way she could ensure he wasn’t misusing them or selling them.

    6. As someone who is on long-term drug therapy (not for ADHD), I think you have to consider both your goal and severity of the issue you’re treating. Every drug has side effects and creates chemical changes in your body. Some good, some bad. Some we only learn about after years (or even decades) of treatment. I’m not anti-medication, but I do think you need to think of it holistically.

    7. Some (not all!!) kids who grew up with the usual meds (Ritalin, Adderall) really regret having taken them or have mixed feelings both because of medical effects or needing to quit them for medical reasons and because of their experience of the therapeutic effect of the meds. So it’s a controversial thing now. There are people who say the medications are crucial for development. There are people who say that it’s more important to learn to function without them. There are people who say that the real issue is often the school/ADHD junction and that alternative educational settings make the meds unnecessary. There are people who use alternatives like saffron, vitamins, etc. They are finding that ADHD can involve dopamine and/or norepinephrine and/or acetylcholine, so people are looking beyond stimulant medications to meds like Strattera and supplements like citicoline now.

    8. My 2nd grader was recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (i.e., he’ll sit placidly in his classroom seat not being disruptive but also zoning out and not completing his work). The psychiatrist who diagnosed him said she doesn’t recommend medication unless the child is suffering pretty significantly in terms of academic performance, social interaction, or self-esteem because of the ADHD. We aren’t experiencing any of that, so we are trying to focus on his coping mechanisms and other assistive measures (he is never seated next to a classroom window!) and hoping as he matures, it gets better.

      1. This is where we were, pre-pandemic. Kiddo cratered with a year of zoom schooling (or: they send you a link to a YouTube math video; 20 fun videos later . . .).

      2. I have unmedicated inattentive ADHD, and I think I would still be zoning out and not doing my work if I were back in 2nd grade. Grade school was incredibly repetitive and unengaging compared to pretty much any other environment I’ve ever experienced in education or in work.

      3. For me, my inattentive ADHD was much better when I sat in the front and the teacher would periodically call on me. It was harder to doodle and go off in space. My condition also GREATLY improved my senior year of high school when I was allowed to pick classes I wanted to take instead of were required to take and even more so in college for the same reason.

    9. I did. My daughter had generic Ritalin. It made her depressed and we stopped. This was about 2017ish time frame. Just be aware of the side effects and watch for them. It did help her concentrate but wasn’t worth the side effects in her particular case. It only happens in a small percentage of users so my anecote shouldn’t be reason alone not to do it.

    10. I was diagnosed later in life, and while the drugs are definitely helpful, they come with real risks and can mask other problems. At the very least I’d push for the tiniest dose possible (I can get some help from what is technically a subclinical dose), and ask your doctor for their take on drug vacations/etc. FWIW, I often take 2.5 mg of adderall, which is the recommended dose for small children, which seems WILD to me.

      The trap I’ve seen both parents and adult patients fall in to is that if you start with a higher dose and take it everyday, you sort of inevitably build up resistance and need higher doses. In particular, I’ve seen friends who basically become incapable of waking up without it, and who have a lot of dental damage. I think the goods can outweigh the bads, but I’d tread very very carefully and reconsider often.

      1. It’s so validating to read this!!! I’m the lawyer who stopped Adderall after a few years. I was on 20mg extended release and told that it was a child sized dose. I had 5mg not extended release for when I really needed to focus and work late and that still made me wired. But, I’m also someone that feels the effects of decaf coffee. I am very very sensitive to stimulants. I think I would have been much happier on an itty bitty dose.

        1. I think overdosing is actually becoming a widely recognized problem. If you read the prescribing guidelines for adderall, it’s clear they’re based on full-sized adult men, for one, and smaller people take less to get to the same serum levels. Several of my lawyer friends literally have moved to insufflation of their amphetamines when they open their eyes in the morning, because they basically can’t move before it hits after years of treatment.

          For what it’s worth, I’m not generally sensitive to stimulants and can drink zero-six coffees a day with no noticeable changes.

  19. Has anyone left an otherwise good job after a very short time (under six months), and if so, how did you navigate it? Background: I am being recruited for an in house job at a tech “unicorn” by a good friend, and am in the final stages of interviewing now. Unfortunately, I started my current job earlier this year, so I know the timing for leaving is not ideal. I actually like everyone at my job and the work is fine, but law firm life (not biglaw) is just not for me. I know I’m getting ahead of myself since I haven’t gotten an offer yet, but any suggestions on how to manage this situation without burning bridges? Thanks in advance.

    1. Yes, I did. The company I left begged me to come back and made me an offer that I couldn’t turn down.

      I was 100% open and honest with the current employer because I wanted to and I thought they deserved a chance to see if they could match the offer (I would have stayed if yes or even remotely close). I told them what my offer was, and why I couldn’t turn it down when I decided to accept it. I had a meeting with the CEO of the company, with whom I already had a good relationhip, to explain the situation to him because I didn’t want to burn the bridges any more than they already were going to be. It went better than I expected. The CEO told me he completely understood and that he wished they could have made me a similar offer and that I was welcome back any time. The average white man who thought he got me my job (he didn’t) got himself all bent out of shape, but I DGAF about that guy.

      I can’t promise that your situation will go as well, but I do strongly support you doing what is best for you and if that means leaving and going to the other job, then you should do that.

    2. I think the fact that you’re moving from law firm to in house is very helpful. I’ve heard people pitch similar timelines as “I really was trying to go in-house but the opportunities weren’t working out so I accepted a job at a different firm thinking maybe it would be a better fit for me, but after a few months this in-house opportunity I couldn’t pass up opened up/ultimately moving law firms didn’t help because what I didn’t like was more about law firms generally than the specific firm.”
      People understand the two roles are very different, and I think if you’re not looking to move back to a firm, you’re going to be fine.

      1. I wouldn’t use this script, but only you know the people involved and how they’d react. This could make you sound flaky and unreliable. And it might sting the firm a bit. I’d recommend something like “I love firm life but this company just made me an offer I couldn’t refuse and I couldn’t help the timing, etc..”

    3. Going in house (and not a competitor) is definitely helpful, but they will for sure feel a bit stung. I’d give them as much notice as possible, since it sounds like they won’t kick you out randomly (I gave 3 weeks, maybe even 4 would be doable?). Anything else you can do to ease the transition (work late to make sure all the files are up to date, etc) would probably also be appreciated.

    4. If you’re going in house, they will want you as a client. You just became someone they want to wine and dine. If they’re smart/normal, they will do everything they can not to burn bridges with you, so that you can direct work to them.

  20. Help! I have my first work trip ever coming up (flight to NYC, staying overnight). This is almost embarrassing to say, but I have never 1) been on a plane, 2) gone to New York, or 3) stayed in a hotel that didn’t involve my entire extended family camping in a giant room block. Anyone care to share tips on how to navigate this without making a fool of myself?

    1. 1. Don’t check a bag. Buy TSA compliant toiletries and be sure your suitcase is small enough. Business travelers in general avoid checking luggage when at all possible because it keeps you nimble – no waiting at baggage claim, no risk of a lost bag, and you can change flights last-minute (like hopping on an earlier flight standby) with no additional hassle.

      2. Which airport are you flying into? Best transit options will depend on which one and what time of day you land.

      3. For the hotel, have a few small bills on hand for tips (like if there is a bellhop and for housekeeping). You just walk up to the front desk, give them your name, and they’ll ask you for your credit card. Check your card limit if you don’t already know it; an expensive NYC hotel stay can push over the credit limit if the card’s limit is only a few thousand dollars.

    2. I posted above to your nested comment but I thought of a couple more things – how long is your flight? If it’s longer than a couple hours, try to eat before getting on the plane and maybe bring a fruit or protein bar for a snack on the plane. Pack any liquids in a clear ziplock baggie so it’s easy to put into the bins for security. Wear shoes with socks so you don’t have to walk barefoot on the airport floor.

      1. Other things: try not to check luggage; keep your laptop and liquids in a pocket where it’s easy to get them out for security.

    4. How exciting! Happy for you –

      Airport/Security:
      1. Check in ahead of time online, you can get your ticket printed or digital. If you check bags they’ll give you a paper ticket usually as well as a stub that matches the tag on your bag.
      2. Have your baggage sorted ahead; carry-on vs checked; have liquids in carry-on in 3.4oz or less containers that all fit in quart size bag or less; have laptop, tablet, kindle easy access to grab out of carry-on for security scanner; have shoes that you don’t mind taking off for security. You can bring snacks with you through security but no liquids – there are usually lots of restaurants/vendors past security if you need that.
      3. Get to the airport early enough so you’re not in a hurry, maybe 1.5 hours ahead.

      Arriving at NYC:
      1. Decide ahead how you’ll get to the city from the airport – taxis/ubers are easiest, but most expensive. You can take the train in as well. Knowing the way you’re going in advance alleviates stress!

      Traveling in NYC:
      I loved using google maps to get around on the subway. Walking around is also easy in the city. Wear comfy shoes!

      Hotel:
      They can usually hold your bags for you if you get there before check-in and need a place to stash them.

      If you need to ask questions or clarify things along the way, trust me, most people will be happy to help! Have a good time!

      1. Don’t get flustered if TSA is saying you didn’t do something right and you have to do it again. The rules change all the time and can change from airport to airport. I fly with a cpap. At some airports, TSA wants it out of the bag with the mechanical part of the machine in a separate bin. At other airports, I get scolded for that and told to keep my CPAP in the medical bag (which is soooooo much cleaner).

        I bet you can find youtube videos of a lot of this to help you feel comfortable navigating the airport and the like.

        This is a super silly tip but remember, you do not have to take a beverage from the flight attendant just because one is offered. You can just say “no thanks.” I, like you, did not grow up flying. I would always take a drink but then not be thirsty, be annoyed having it on my tray in turbulence or just not want my tray down so I could get up and go to the bathroom. I was complaining about this to my then boyfriend and he was like so….. buy a drink after security and don’t get one on the plane? You can also bring an empty water bottle and fill it up post security at most airports (pre-COVID).

        1. The CPAP thing drives me absolutely nuts, too. I’ve started putting the parts in clear bags within the tagged medical bag and some folks still want you to put it out of the clear bag and directly in the bin. It’s like they have no concept of how gross it is to put something going straight into your mouth and lungs where everyone else throws their shoes. Just disgusting.

      2. CityMapper is also a great app for transit directions (and available for lots of cities, if you are going to be traveling other places)

    5. So fun! Takeoff and landing can be bumpy. Get to the airport early and wear shoes that are easy to take on and off. Since you’re only going overnight I assume you won’t be checking a bag. In that case pack your toiletries in a clear plastic bag and be prepared to take it out of your carry-on to go through the scanner. You can’t bring liquids over a certain size through security and they will make you throw them out if they’re too big, so check the rules on that. This includes drinks and water bottles – buy water after security.

      There will be a million signs in the airport telling you where to go and what to do. And luckily you’re going to one of the best-organized cities in the world with countless resources online on where to go, what to do and what to eat. You’ll be fine!

      1. Oh and bring a layer to wear on the plane since they can be cold, like a light jacket or pashmina.

    6. Reposting to get out of m-d.

      1. Don’t check a bag. Buy TSA compliant toiletries and be sure your suitcase is small enough. Business travelers in general avoid checking luggage when at all possible because it keeps you nimble – no waiting at baggage claim, no risk of a lost bag, and you can change flights last-minute (like hopping on an earlier flight standby) with no additional hassle.

      2. Which airport are you flying into? Best tr-nsit options will depend on which one and what time of day you land.

      3. For the hotel, have a few small bills on hand for tips (like if there is a bellhop and for housekeeping). You just walk up to the front desk, give them your name, and they’ll ask you for your credit card. Check your card limit if you don’t already know it; an expensive NYC hotel stay can push over the credit limit if the card’s limit is only a few thousand dollars.

    7. You can check into your flight about 24 hours prior to departure. In some cases you can print your boarding passes at home or some airlines will send you a mobile boarding pass with a QR code that gets scanned.

      In the security line, make sure you have your boarding pass and ID handy. You will need to take off your shoes and electronics. If you have any liquids they need to be under 3 oz and in a single plastic bag.

      Bring a bag small enough that you can put under the airplane seat. If you’re not checking luggage make sure you’re able to lift your other item above your head to put it in an overhead bin.

      When you’re on the plane, the flight attendants will let you know when it’s okay to get up and move around. I usually have books to read via the Libby app on my phone to pass time.

      1. Just in case you get super anxious and get your stomach upset, it is technically safe to get up once the plane hits 10,000 feet. There is a ding that notifies the flight attendants of that milestone. They will usually leave the seatbelt sign on longer while the flight attendants attend to things. If you have to dash to the bathroom, you can. They may remind you that the seatbelt sign is on but you can say something like “I know but I can’t wait” and they won’t stop you. I’ve unfortunately had to do this in severe turbulence … when it actually dangerous to do so. The flight attendant was well aware it was an emergency and didn’t make a peep. If you have a sensitive stomach and are worried about that (I have Crohns so it is always on my mind) I always book an aisle seat near the bathroom. Not right next to it but a row or two up. It’s much easier and safer to dash across the aisle in turbulence than it is to walk the whole plane.

        If you don’t have bathroom issues but think you will be scared in turbulence, get seats over the wing. It is the most stable part of the plane. The plane is perfectly safe in turbulence, the risk is to you getting tossed by it.

        These are all things I learned over time and wish I knew beforehand.

    8. Okay, so 1st, pack smart; bring only what you need, roll instead of folding to lessen wrinkles. 2nd, bring comfy shoes to walk in (everyone does this in NYC). If it’s super formal, bring shoes to change into when you’re at the location. 3rd, pack only tiny liquids or buy travel stuff from your drugstore. Check the airport website for details on what you can bring. If you are checking your bag, know the fees and pack a change of clothes in your carry-on in case your bag is lost. We tend to wear dark colors but you do you. 4th, when you get to the airport, go to the rideshare line to get a ride, do not listen to the men who yell that they can get you where you need to go for less (it’s typically not true and never really worth it).

      When you get to the hotel and check in, if you have time, put on comfy clothes and go for a stroll. The City is in blocks on a grid almost everywhere, so you can walk in a square and not get lost. If you see pizza and eat pizza, eat it in NYC as often as possible. Same with bagels. If you are near Amy’s Bread, get a slice of cake (better than the cupcakes). If you end up bored, use the internet to see what’s near you and stroll there. Boredom in NYC is a choice.

      In the hotel, stay like anywhere else you’ve ever stayed. Take a rideshare from hotel to airport.

      Have fun! Oh, and come back post-c0vid so you get the full experience!

    9. Plan for a LOT of extra time. You might get lost. you might get delayed. You might go to the wrong airport (hello, flight out of Chicago I thought was out of ORD and it was out of Midway…). I’ve been travelling for work for over 15 years and I have it down, but I did not start out this way! If people tell you you need X hours, assume x +50%. Someone will undoubtedly tell you “oh, it’s just X minutes to JFK.” That’s probably true, but for you, assume double. Worst case, you end up at the gate an hour early and you can work from the gate area while eating lunch.

    10. Most airports will have maps on their home page. Study your airports at home, and get a feel for the layout – it’s very nice to have a head start on navigation.

      Some of the normal steps:
      1) travel to the departures floor/part of the airport
      2) if you haven’t checked in electronically and have your boarding pass already on arrival, look at the screens to se check-in desk number for your flight/company
      3) Carry-on luggage is great, but if you do need checked luggage, you’ll send them now, before security
      4) You should be prepared to remove jackets, scarves and shoes in security. Empty pockets of metal, take off belt, watch etc. Electronica must be taken out of your bag, same for toiletries. Some scanners are very sensitive and your bra might set of a beep.
      5) After security it’s nice to know how far you are from the gate. Some airports have shuffles, buses or long walkways so it takes some time, some airports are more compact. There will be shops, food, toilets etc. at the area past security.
      5) There is normally seating by the gate, so if want to be early you can sit there.
      6) There might be different groups for boarding the plane, look at your boarding card. Frequent flyer status holders, business class tickets and small children may be called to board before others.
      7) Seatguru has maps over airplanes (you can search for specific flights), if you want to check the layout before boarding.
      8) When you board, find your seat quickly and let others pass. Middle seat gets two armrests.
      9) Don’t worry if the plane is waiting a long time before take-off (there are queues).
      10) Don’t worry about turbulence. A plane is sort of bobbing on the air the same way a boat bobs on the sea, turbulence are just waves in the air the same way the sea is not totally still, sometimes from passing planes.
      11) Put your seatbelt on when they tell you to. If you need an extender, ask for one.
      12) Planes are often a little chilly, bring a wrap. You can adjust the air in the panel above you, where the «fasten seatbelt» sign is, a reading light switch and a button to call for assistance from the air stewards.
      13) When you leave the plane, there may be different routes (look at the signs) for passengers with transfers to a new plane, and passengers exiting the airport. Exit is normally after the luggage belts.
      14) Have a plan for how you want to leave the airport, and look for relevant signs. If you get overwhelmed, sit down and have a coffee or snack to get your bearings a little.

    11. Thanks, everyone! These tips are all helpful and so much appreciated!

      I am traveling with a colleague so at least I can just quietly imitate them, and they are handling the taxi needs and overall decision making. I am just along for the ride. I don’t get motion sickness on boats, so I am not too worried about turbulence causing issues.

      Really glad to have such a great group as this that is willing to help a newbie along!

      2. You’ll do great! On the chance that you check back and so that anyone reading this later in the day can have a laugh, my new most valuable travel advice is this: if you bring your own water bottle to fill at the airport, bring one without a straw mechanism or just twist the whole bottle open before you pop the straw up in-flight to depressurize the contents. I’ve been traveling for work for about 20 years now, have been really glad to see the water bottle filling stations in more airports, regularly use a water bottle without incident in everyday life. And yet I consistently fail to depressurize my water bottle in-flight and it is like a geyser ready to soak you, the ceiling, the people in the seats around you…

  21. Hi! I’m going to be starting law school in the fall after a couple of years of working. Any tips for an incoming law student?

    1. Aside from “it’s not too late” and “yes, I am serious about that”:
      1. Stay on top of your work.
      2. Learn how to work. Law school is a lot of work; even more if you are not efficient about it. Book brief. Make your class notes into the same format as your outlines.
      3. Get into an exercise routine now.
      4. Save money like crazy this summer. Work a second job if you can. The cash flow will help when you are in school, especially if you cannot find paid summer work and are interning for free.

    2. Have you worked in the legal field? If not, consider reading some this summer about the IRAC method of writing (issue-rule-analysis-conclusion). I was a great undergrad student but I was ill-prepared for law school and did awful first year. And no pressure, but first year really determines a lot (if not all) of your employment opportunities if you’re at all thinking about Big Law.

      1. i read nothing like this before my first year of law school, and was fine. depending on where you go to school and how recruiting works, Big Law doesn’t even look at your gpa to get selected for first round interviews.

        1. True, many people are. She asked for advice and I gave mine. I am somehow assuming that since she’s asking for advice like this, she’s probably not going to Harvard with an automatic entrée, but whatever…

    3. You can’t cram for law exams — you have to read and study and think steadily the whole semester. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

      Treat it like a job. If you actually spend 9-5 in class or studying with the same kind of breaks you would take if you were in an office, you will not need to do much more than that until the last few weeks before exams. I was at school by 8/8:30 every morning with my coffee and left by 5:30 every day, took time to hang out with classmates at lunch, but spent the rest of the time in class or in the library, doing work. I would sometimes do an additional hour in the evening, but not usually. Bonus is that I rarely had to bring books home. In the last weeks before finals, I would do an additional couple of hours in the evenings and a few hours on weekends. I never worked past 10pm. Most of my friends had also worked before law school and were similar.

      The classmates who were super stressed before finals were the ones who came directly out of undergrad, woke up at 10, went to the gym, rolled into class at 11:30, then got lunch, went to another class, then got a coffee, then started talking about how much they had to do at like 4, and read in front of the TV before going to bed at 2am. Around Thanksgiving, they realized they had no idea what happened all semester and started pulling all nighters to catch up and harassing the rest of us for our outlines.

      In terms of studying — spend the first month just trying to read the cases and absorb what is happening in class. If you read a case for the class the next day and you have no idea what you read, read it a second time. If you still don’t understand, then read it a third time AFTER class. Review your notes after class to make sure you actually understood what happened (with laptops its tempting to just transcribe without actually listening). Make sure you understand the structure of what the class is — what IS a tort/contract/etc is explained briefly in the beginning and then you spend all semester discussing the details of the different parts, but you have to understand how they all fit together or you will be lost. A lot of professors are bad about bringing you back to the basics to make sure you aren’t lost in the details. After about 4 weeks, this should be going faster, and you should start taking a few hours each week to go back to the beginning and making your outline — pull out the important concepts from each case and fit them into the context of the whole class. Why did you read these 3 cases about topic X? Usually, it is 1) because there is a rule and they are 3 illustrations of how it is applied, 2) 3 different rules adopted by different jurisdictions, or 3) the historical evolution of the rule arrived at in the last case (most common in Con Law). By the end of Thanksgiving weekend, your outlines and your class notes should be in about the same place. Start looking for sample exams and practice them. Read up on IRAC. If you do not have answer keys/sample answers, find a study group specifically to go over practice exams. As you start noticing patterns in exams, make yourself some checklists to make sure you don’t forget the basics.

      1. Lordy, I was so green when I went to law school that I put as my issue on every outline: Did the lower court err? Oh, honey. If I could have bought myself a clue . . .

        1. I used to work a T.A. and so many students would write “the issue is can X sue…” and i always wanted to write
          “you can always sue, that is never ever the issue!”

      2. +1,000 to your first paragraph. Honestly, I almost thought I wrote this post in my sleep!

        I worked for several years between undergrad and law school and am so thankful I did. My perspective on what mattered was very different than the majority of my straight through classmates and I was far less stressed as a result. It’s a lot of work, but I didn’t think it was hard in a way that is different than anything else that is a lot of work or challenging.

      3. +1. I had irregular hours due to my husband’s job as a waiter, but I kept up with the work. It does make a big difference at the end of the semester. Often, the professor’s syllabus is the best way to structure an outline.

        Also, this seems really, really obvious, but pay attention in class. Easily 1/3 of my classmates spent the whole class online shopping, playing poker or other games, checking email, etc. Take good notes. And if your professor spent 2 years of their career working on some obscure issue, and then spend 3 weeks of class time on it and assigns extra reading outside of the casebook about it, you can bet it’s going to be on the exam. Study it. (Seriously, my classmates’ surprise about what showed up on the exam was inexplicable.)

    4. Make friends. Go to happy hours, get to know everyone. Become the mayor of your law school class. Your network is the most important asset you will take with you after law school is over.

      2. And this is where I failed as a non-traditional student that lived 45 minutes from the law school and had a job.

    5. Buy the hornbooks. Read the hornbooks. Then the cases will make so much more sense (I wish I had figured this out sometime 1L year before like 2 days prior to my contracts exam, at which point I figured out my contracts professor had been teaching contracts in the most confusing way possible).

    6. Plan Christmas gifts over the summer if that’s a thing your family does. You’ll be super busy until 12/22 probably.

      1. Ha! I have a memory of doing all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve in NYC. It was so cliche, it was actually fun. At least until 4:30, when it was rush hour, the trains on my subway line weren’t running, and it was shift change for cabs. I had to cram myself and 2 over-stuffed, huge shopping bags onto a very crowded bus :-)

    7. Figure out how and where *you* like to study. Maybe a study group is really helpful to you. Maybe you are better at studying solo. Maybe you like to study in the library because you can focus. Maybe you hate that and studying at home or in a coffee shop or at a non-academic library (recommend) is better for you. DO NOT listen to other students when they are talking about “how many hours they studied” and let it freak you out. I remember some people talking about how they were in the library for 10 hours studying for Con Law and thinking to myself, “I only studied like 6 hours for that. Did I miss something?” You don’t know what their level of focus was (were they hanging out with friends and being distracted? Did they take lots of breaks? Did they leave to get lunch?)-bottom line is there is some type of work stress olympics that law students love to participate in by comparing who has studied the most hours and gotten the least sleep. Study smart and ignore the comparisons (3 solid hours in the morning and 3 solid hours in the afternoon are often better than 10 interrupted hours). Don’t buy into it and just run your own race. Take advantage of the professors’ old exams if they are available and use office hours to ask about them. Often, the fact patterns on your exam will be a variation if you are seeing the same issue cropping up year after year. Finally, find an outlet outside law school and don’t neglect your non-law school friends. You need people to keep life in perspective because it is such a weird and intense bubble to be in.

  22. Random question about (professional, literal) gardeners: if you hire gardeners to maintain your yard, do they come on a regular/exact schedule? After doing this work myself forever, I’m not physically able to do it anymore and hired someone. They come about every two weeks but not exactly and not at the same time of day. For example, Tuesday the 1st at 8am followed by Thursday the 16th at 3pm. Is this normal? I’m happy with their work but a little put off by the lack of schedule since I WFH. I’ve asked them to text me the night before they’ll come but it’s hit or miss. Thanks!

    1. I do not think this is a reasonable expectation. A million things (like weather) could change their schedule.

    2. We have the “mow, blow, and go” guys who come on a regular schedule (same day every week, time varies). The actual landscaping guy comes and goes according to his schedule and the needs of the yard. So yeah, I think what your people are doing is normal.

    3. Not reasonable and yes, common. Heck, my mowers come at random times sometimes due to weather. They are usually end of day Thursday but sometimes show up on Wednesday and sometimes not til Friday. How do gardeners disturb your WFH scheduled? Does the car block you in or something?

      1. Yep, same for us. We’re in the midwest so could be rainy, etc. I think reasonable is “approximately the same day, give or take a 1-2 days” and no time estimate is reasonable.
        If it actually disturbs your schedule (like you can’t leave while they are there because of parking), you could try to talk to a manager, but I think that’s a “you” issue and not a them issue.

    4. When I have had gardeners in the past, they have always come on the same day, but not at precisely the same time. Something like every Tuesday morning, but one week it might by 8:00 am and the next week it is closer 9:00 am. I have no idea if this is the norm everywhere, but it definitely was in my neighborhood.

    5. All very helpful; thank you so much! The noise is a little bothersome since I’m leading meetings/teaching all day and can’t mute myself for long, but this is obviously a small price to pay for such a privilege and such a helpful service. Never had any regular service/maintenance before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Thanks again!

    6. Mine come on a set day (every other Thursday), unless there is a weather issue that causes them to come on the next day. They can come any time that day but it is usually the same basic time. If they need to change the day, I get an email — so I know that the dog needs to be inside.

    7. They don’t have a set schedule, they service the yard when it needs it. Broadly, I don’t think most people get into the lawn care business because they want to keep a strict schedule like what you’re suggesting. I have a few friends who have opened lawn care businesses, they want to work outside and have some flexibility in their day. If timing is truly important to you then you might be able to find someone willing to work with you, but they may or may not be the best or most reasonably priced.

    8. Writing this literally as a landscaping crew works outside: you can get crews on a set routine (weather permitting) but it’s a tradeoff in terms of cost or quality. I’m WFH and found that it let me be more flexible with this crew, which meant they cut me a great deal because they could fit me in around other customers. A second company I interviewed wanted 6x for the same work and a third company I interviewed guaranteed a set day and time (and delivered on that front) but rushed the trial job I gave them because they couldn’t be late for the next appointment.

    9. My gardener comes on a schedule, give or take 20 minutes and in the rare instance he can’t make it/needs to reschedule, lets us know. I probably pay a bit more than average, but it’s worth it. I would not hire a service that comes whenever—I’m frequently outside and that would be too disruptive for me.

    10. My boyfriend works as a landscaper for a very fancy ($$$) landscape architect, and they give their best guess but definitely do not go to the clients’ houses on the same day at the same time every week. There are some businesses where they go every Monday or Tuesday, for example, but it’s impossible for them to hit Wednesday at 2 for the same client every week. There are just too many variables for them to be very precise. Weather, snakes, new dude forgot to load enough annuals on the trailer, no parking in the neighborhood for the truck and trailer, accidentally cut a wire at another client’s house, the job before yours is a lot harder than they anticipated because the last company trimmed the crepe myrtle wrong, just all kinds of stuff.

  23. Does anyone have a swim cover-up they really like? I’m having an unusually hard time finding one. I want one that is more or less like a robe — elbow-length or long sleeves, open in front (no buttons), knee length and substantial fabric, ideally with UPF protection. This one is the right profile, but the fabric is too sheer: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/maaji-black-ravenna-cover-up/5852818

    In the past I’ve had good luck at places like Gap and Athleta but I need a new one this year and am stuck.

      1. They’re not all labeled as swim coverups. They tend to be called “kimonos” or “wraps.” Evereve has some too.

  24. For the lawyers here — 16 years into my career. 9 of that was at an NYC firm in litigation — so all financial litigation, securities, bankruptcy etc. Then moved onto a state securities regulator (big business state so very active regulator). My work now is less litigation but still in the same wheelhouse as litigation as it’s more investigations but I’m still interviewing witnesses. A position has come up within my department that is more corporate (and having trouble hiring because they need a bunch of people at once so they’d consider anyone with securities experience – corporate or not). It’s the department that deals with disclosures of deals, M&A etc. so they ask questions of companies/counsel but in a different way as there’s not allegations of fraud but rather to see if material market information is being properly disclosed. Would you consider it? I feel like any mentor I’d ask would say NOOOOO you’re a litigator, it’s deal work. But part of me feels like IDK if you’re working in securities shouldn’t you see SOME deal work to understand these deals? My background before law is finance and I guess I’ve always questioned whether I went the wrong way when I went to litigation. I could possibly pursue this as a temporary situation — go check it out for 1 year so get a bit of experience but return to your role (or if you happen to love it then fully decide you’re not returning to litigation/investigations). Would you consider it?

    1. I would! In my area, I feel like I review litigation in my area and also practice in my area (and in my original primary area, tax, you generally do the tax-related litigation b/c true litigators all seem to hate tax and it’s generally admin law anyway). I am primarily a deal person, but can work well with litigators. Clients like this. I let the litigators do the depositions and arguments, but am in there with them writing the brief and looking over the depo questions.

      Hint: a tax return is an admission b/c it is signed under penalty of perjury.

      1. If you’re still reading, this is what I’m struggling with. What are the off roads exactly? I mean sure I guess I can go review (or write) state or federal securities disclosures but IDK if I’d want that. Are there other less obvious off roads if you just understand deal work but don’t necessarily want to be an annual report writer for a public company?

        1. I would say an off-road from this new position would be an in-house position or a corporate position in management or even in a tech startup. I think it opens up a lot of non-litigator jobs. I’d say do it. IANAL but I’ve seen enough lawyers do this to think it’s a viable choice, especially if you can go back in a year if you don’t like it.

  25. I don’t know that I agree with the premise that floral prints are “tricky” for work. Certainly not on blouses. This shirt, though, does not thread the needle perfectly for me. If anything, I think it’s a wee too 60s in its print for more serious workplaces and the ribbon ties make it more casual as well. You can definitely wear it to work (because floral prints aren’t that tricky!), but it’s hardly the platonic ideal of a floral top in my book.

    Love floral prints generally & wear them to work a lot, so just had to get that off my chest.

    1. Right? Floral is one of my go-to patterns for work. I don’t find it particularly tricky to incorporate in a professional way, but maybe I’m out of touch.

      1. +1. I wear floral print blouses and dresses frequently without an issue.

        I do not care for this blouse at all though.

      2. +1. I wear floral print blouses and dresses frequently without an issue.

        I do not care for this blouse at all though.

    2. Agree on both counts. I am a floral-print-liker but not a liker of this floral print.

  26. When you went on your honeymoon, did you say something about it in your out of office? I generally keep my out of office messages pretty vague. “I am out of the office with very limited access to email, and will return on [date], in the interim please contact my assistant.” I know that honeymoons tend to get more respect than regular vacations. I’m in biglaw fwiw. Wondering what others have done.

    1. Definitely not. That’s a very “female” thing to do. Reality is the partners/senior associates you work for (I assume you’re an associate) will know you are out on your honeymoon, so how many urgent calls/emails will you really get? If another random partner emails you and just gets your generic “out of office for 2 weeks” email and gets bent out of shape, chances are he turns to an assigning partner etc. to get some other associate to help and is told oh yeah she’s out for a few weeks for her honeymoon. I wouldn’t want a honeymoon out of office going to clients who may cc you on emails either.

      1. I guess I should’ve specified, I’m a partner. I’ve let my clients know when I’m out. I’m more concerned about opposing counsel.

    2. I wouldn’t… not only because it’s no one’s business but because it means everyone will ask about it and if you aren’t someone who wants to gush about it, you may not want to start that conversation. Also, if it’s your honeymoon, you have no access to email, don’t give them hope you will respond to work emails when you either won’t or aren’t doing honeymooning completely.

      Oh, and congrats!!

    3. I’ve seen people in Biglaw (both s-xes) say they are out for their wedding and honeymoon in their OOO, but they were all the gregarious types to begin with.

      1. With the caveat that I’m an SVP, I always do a fun OOO message internally, and a bland one externally. I always get comments that it’s refreshing to see someone senior say they’re not available and off having fun (and I want to normalize that). Law firms seem to be a different animal, so ymmv.

  28. Any advice on how to become a morning person? For literally decades I haven’t been able to get out of bed until the very last moment and am often a little late because of it. I really want to wake up early and have free time in the morning and start work earlier. Obviously I need to go to bed earlier, but I find when I do I’m still dead tired in the morning.

    1. Put your alarm clock across the room?

      I’m always dead tired in the morning and I get up anyway. I feel you’re telling yourself “I’m too tired to get up” when what you should be telling yourself is “oh, man! I’m super tired and now I’m getting up anyway.” Also think about how 8:00 a.m. Anon is going to thank 6:00 a.m. Anon for rolling out of bed in a timely manner. I do that and it’s dumb but it helps.

    2. Set something in the morning that is not just an alarm – plan to meet someone somewhere or go to an early workout class with a cancellation fee. Do this for a month. Even if you don’t go to a workout class every day, don’t sleep later. Get up at the same time. Go to bed at the earlier time without fail. Your body will start to adjust.

    3. First step is to reframe this. From what you wrote here, you’re not getting out of bed at the last minute, you’re getting out of bed AFTER the last minute. If you’re like me, you’re underestimating the time it takes to get out the door. I counter that by overestimating how much time it takes to get places. It takes me 15 minutes door to door to get to work. I tell myself I have to leave 30 minutes before I need to be in the office. My puttering, finding keys, filling water bottle, etc. takes time, and if I’m a little early, great.

      If you’re dead tired when you wake up despite getting enough hours of sleep, then there’s a sleep quality issue. Try out of of the many sleep tracking apps to see if you can pinpoint the problem. Then work with your doctor to find a solution, if needed. For me, my sleep improved when I had a better bedtime routine, started sleep meditations, took a little melatonin, and exercised daily. But it wasn’t until I addressed my underlying anxiety disorder that I stopped waking up in the middle of the night.

    4. If you get two days off per week, do what you need to do so that on one of those days, you can sleep till you wake up. No alarms. Just having that one day makes getting up all the other days that much easier.
      When I used to work nights/very early mornings, I’d drink two large glasses of water right before bed. That ensured that when the alarm went off at 2:15AM, I HAD to get out of bed.

    5. My problem is that my brain takes a couple hours to wake up. It just does. I’ve learned that if I just open my eyes when my alarm goes off and reach for my phone (awful, I know), I can spend the next hour as a quasi-zombie reading emails and checking my phone and I’ll finally be awake enough to get up and get ready. So yeah, I backwards plan to literally build in an hour of time to lay there and be useless.

    6. How early is “early” to you? Like if you wake up at 8 am now, are you talking about before 6 am, or just half an hour earlier so you’re on time and not rushing? As someone who is also not a morning person and never will be, I don’t think it’s reasonable to try to change your wake time very drastically. If your chronotype is “not morning” it will never change to “morning.” Aim for half an hour and making that half hour really stick before attempting to move it earlier.

      Things that have helped me get up a bit earlier? Mostly, having sunlight come into my room. This means I either don’t close the curtains all the way when I go to bed, or I open them a bit when I get up to use the bathroom during the night. This obviously only really helps in the summer when sunrise is before 6 am, but even the 7:30 sunrise in winter is better than being in a pitch dark room. There’s also all the stuff about good sleep hygiene to follow if you’re not doing it already (no screens before bed, no caffeine after noon, make sure the room is the right temperature, etc.). Another thing that really helps is being actually tired when I go to bed so I’m not tossing and turning.

    7. The one thing that ever helped.me was one of those watches that measures when you are in REM and when you are in lighter sleep and wakes you up during a lighter sleep period. I have long REM periods and I am a night owl so without this I am usually waking abruptly from a very deep sleep.

    8. Start taking 1mg of melatonin an hour or two before bed, and go to bed at the same time every night. Get at least 7-8 hrs of sleep a night (!). In the morning, try to get sunlight exposure. Either by a walk outside/exercise outside and/or have a Happy Light and sit next to it while you have your morning breakfast/coffee. Even if you are genetically inclined to be a night person, this will switch you to be a morning person.

      Also review the basics online of good sleep hygiene. No caffeine later in the day, no screens for 2 hrs before bed, have a nighttime wind down routine, daily exercise (even just walking), try mindfulness meditation apps to help you fall asleep.

      And check in with your doc. Get a yearly physical, make sure you aren’t anemic and that your vitamin D and B12 and thyroid hormones are ok. And make sure you don’t have sleep apnea (do you snore?).

    9. The only 2 things that have ever worked to get me out of bed earlier than usual? 1) my dogs, and 2) a flight.

      I have nothing but solidarity and interest in reading these replies!

    10. I know this isn’t what you asked, but recognizing my energy level fluctuates over the day, as well as my husband’s, helped us solve so many of our productivity and relationship issues. I’m naturally an early bird and my husband is a night owl. I’ve done some light pop-science reading on how this might be biologically hard wired. Whether that’s true or not, we’ve stopped fighting it and have structured our lives around it. For example, I do chores in the morning, whereas my husband catches up on light job tasks in the evening. We’ve stopped trying to eat dinner at the same time or be on the same bedtime schedule. Every aspect of our lives is so much easier and happier. I respect that you’re interested in trying to change this, but if you’ve been fighting it for decades maybe consider how you can work with it. Is there a specific reason you must maximize your morning time and can’t shift things to the evening?

    11. I don’t think it’s possible to become a morning person if you’re a night owl. As Shelle above says, she and her husband have accepted that it can’t be changed. (I wish certain members of my family could.)

      Anyway, I broke down and got one of those sunrise Philips lamps and set it to go off at 6:30, which means it starts glowing at 6. Even in the summer when there is light in the window at 6:30 it helps. It was a lifesaver in dark December. With the pandemic I don’t have to get up at 6:30, but normally between 7 and 7:30 is when I finally need to get up. Up until I tried this new strategy, I used to suck every last minute of sleep and hit the snooze button for an hour and I think that made me more tired. So now I do read on my phone starting at 6:30 or so which is when my first iPhone alarm goes off. Some people think that’s bad, but as long as I’m horizontal and happy in my wonderful cozy bed, I don’t care. I check personal email, Instagram and work email (because I like to make sure there are no work crises that have arisen). If I’m reading a particularly good book, I’ll leave my kindle on my bedside table and read it while horizontal. (I also drift off to sleep reading on kindle most nights.) Reading is a pleasure for me and so is Instagram.

      1. You may be surprised to know that you can switch from being a night owl. You can be genetically programmed to prefer this sleep schedule, but your circadian rhythm can be shifted. I gave the details how upstream, but taking melatonin at night and a happy light in the morning can shift the clock of many. It is called having a Delayed sleep phase disorder and there are many docs who specialize in Sleep disorders who help treat this all the time.

        I had a family member with it, and his preferred sleep schedule would be go to bed a 3 or 4am and sleep until 1pm the next day. Well, you can’t make it to work when you live like that, or you will die early of a heart attack trying. I’m serious. It is incredibly dangerous to not get enough sleep for years on end.

  29. Major vent.

    I’ve been partner for about 2 years. Last year was rough building my practice when COVID hit and finally started making strides this year. Now, after close to a decade of TTC, I am finally pregnant and about to go on mat leave soon. Two of my biggest clients (which I’ve spent years, blood, sweat and tears on trying to build a relationship) will be handed off to privileged white guy new partner. He has not had to put in any sweat equity, has no clients of his own and yet will be handed these clients (while I had to bust my ass for every single piece of work). The managing partner seems to love his ooozing confidence and I’m afraid I won’t get these clients back when I return.

    I’m really trying to keep perspective and focus on the baby (which I am so grateful for)… but just can’t help feeling irked by this whole situation.

    Any advice or commiseration greatly appreciated!

    1. Wait, if you’re a partner, why does the managing partner get a say in this? Is there not someone else? Or can you not tag a senior associate to be the point while you’re out so you can step back in?

      1. Agree. I’d rather train up someone more junior (while competent enough for day to day tasks) and have to work a bit on maternity than let my clients go to a gross partner who doesn’t play nicely. I would really try to avoid the handoff if you can. At least of one of the clients.

    2. If they’re your clients, why aren’t you the one deciding who will cover while you’re gone? At my firm, this would be the relationship partner’s decision, and they would generally get people they trust to cover. Also, could you delegate day-to-day responsibility to a senior associate, and you stay in touch as needed? I know people here advise not trying to work while on maternity leave, but I think it would be worth it to have some involvement to keep a hand in with your clients. And I think you could take proactive steps to manage the situation with the clients – you telling them you’ll be out but what you’re doing to manage their work while you’re gone. Don’t defer to the managing partner or someone else.

      2. Agreed. If these are really your clients, you should be deciding who takes over while you are gone. Presumably you work closely enough with a senior associate who could be the day-to-day point person for these clients, with you as a back-up / big picture manager.

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