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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Caplana Double-Breasted Cotton-Faille Shirt

A woman wearing a dark red blouse and black skirt, carrying an off-white handbag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Dries Van Noten has always been one of my favorite aspirational fashion houses. When I saw that the brand’s namesake is retiring this year, I did some scrolling around online to find some favorite pieces to highlight.

This double-breasted shirt is such a fun way to liven up a traditional button-up, and the maroon color is gorgeous. I would probably wear it tucked into a high-waisted skirt or trousers, like the model pictured here, but it would also look great untucked, to show off the buttons.

The shirt is $655 at NET-A-PORTER and comes in sizes XS–L.

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

200 Comments

  1. Does Rogaine foam cause hair dye to fade away faster than it usually does? Does Rogaine foam cause keratin straightening treatments to wear off faster than they usually do?

    I do salon keratin (non-formaldehyde) straightening treatments, and I salon color my hair. I also use Rogaine foam nightly.

    In the area where I use Rogaine (hairline) both the keratin and the color wear off more quickly than the rest of my head. Is that a coincidence?

    1. You may want to consider it in pill form. So much easier. I like it much better than the foam.

        1. +1

          Agree the pill is the way to go. Are you being followed by a Dermatologist that specializes in hair? My PCP was not comfortable prescribing the pill. But it is used routinely by Hair Dermatologists. It is a pretty strong blood pressure pill, so for me I have to be very careful to keep hydrated all the time or I get dizzy since my blood pressure was already low to begin with. It does help my hair loss, especially my eye brows and lashes.

    2. Could it be that it is new growth that is virgin hair (neither colored nor straightened)?

      1. OP here. That was my first thought, but there should be new growth everywhere and this happens only to the hairline/where I apply Rogaine.

        1. If you have more concentrated growth in that area (which, isn’t that the point of the Rogaine?), it makes sense that you would notice its texture and color more than you do where it is dispersed throughout your older, more treated hair.

        3. Right, exactly, isn’t that what’s supposed to happen? Your hair is growing where you apply Rogaine.

    3. Topical rogaine turned my hair gray. It’s very noticeable on the spots where I apply the rogaine. I wonder if your pigmentation might also be changing, causing the applied hair color to fade faster? I just switched to the pill form, unclear if that will lead to the gray reversing.

  2. I have a work trip to Columbus, Ohio and thinking of having my family drive up later to join me for a long weekend in late April. What are good neighborhoods to rent a house? It will be 4 adults (in-laws visiting) and 2 kids (boys ages 6 and 4). Considering the zoo, Cosi, legoland. Anything else? Hoping for a somewhat central neighborhood/house so that we don’t spend the entire time driving around. Thanks.

    1. Stay in a hotel cities do not need houses being converted to short term occupancy.

      1. Thank you for reminding OP of this. If you need more space and a small kitchen look for 2 suites at Embassy Suites, Extended Stay America, Homewood Suites, etc. Don’t steal housing from the people who live there.

      2. Long term occupancy is boring; hotels need to up their game; in Cleveland, I’ve seen short term occupancy save historic homes in struggling neighborhoods. Yes it might be better to turn the whole neighborhood around, but now the house will still exist when that happens someday.

        I don’t know Columbus though.

      3. Yes please don’t rent a short term rental they’re terrible for neighborhoods. Use hotels!

    2. The Columbus area isn’t that huge, so you won’t be spending a ton of time driving around. You can hop on the outerbelt and get to most places within 30-40 minutes. The Easton area is nice and close to the airport. The weather should be nice-ish by late April so you can spend time walking around the outdoor mall. And there are tons of restaurants in the area.

      The zoo is in Dublin and the “downtown” area and Bridge Park is nice. It’s easy enough to get on the 270 outerbelt from there.

    3. I won’t weigh in on the hotel/ rental issue, but I would check out German Village/ Italian Village.

    4. Whenever I’ve traveled to Columbus for work I’ve enjoyed walking around the Short North area and Victorian Village. Not sure it’s particularly appealing to small children though.

    5. Columbus is my home town, and much of my family is there. The Short North area – just north of downtown – has lots of galleries, shops and restaurant and is basically adjacent to two other neighborhoods with some amenities and great architecture, Victorian Village and Italian Village. Goodale Park is near the Short North and Italian Village, as is the wonderful North Market. German Village is south of downtown and is lovely, nice restaurants, a bit quieter. The Short North is my favorite, although I think it can get a bid rowdy on the weekends. If I had small children I might choose Easton, which is one of those large open-air shopping areas. There is a Residence Inn there that has two-room suites with kitchens; I stayed there once with a colleague for a conference and it was nice, although that’s been some years.

      The Franklin Park Conservatory is beautiful and near downtown, not far from COSI, and the two places would make a nice, if full, day.

      1. +1 to the Franklin Park Conservatory, that was always the highlight of Columbus for me when we visited an aunt and uncle-in-law who lived there. If you want to make it more fun for kids that age, give them an old tablet or phone that they can use to take pictures of the flowers. My 6 year old LOVES to do that.

    6. Just FYI that the Legoland in Ohio is not a giant Legoland theme park like Disney. There are only a few of those in the US and they’re in Florida, southern California and upstate New York. It’s a Legoland “discovery center” – might entertain your kids for an hour or two, but is nothing like the theme parks. Just pointing that out, because I have a friend who went to a Legoland Discovery Center expecting a theme park and was sorely disappointed.

      1. Counterpoint – for 4/6yos with a decent attention span and some Lego fandom, the Lego Discovery Center might be worth a half day. It’s all indoor (good for their climate) and includes a ride, play spaces, build spaces, and a movie schedule.

        Jeni’s Ice Cream and the AMC Dreamscapes VR are very near and could round out that afternoon.

        The Otherworld art installation looks slightly sketchy from the outside and might not be great for timid kiddos (crawling into unknown dark spaces), but is really fascinating. Check reviews closely and I’d go during business hours for a more kid friendly crowd.

  3. For the Anon looking for Nigerian authors a few days ago, see below. Conveniently all female too. For the top three, all their books are worth a read. So good.
    Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
    Bolu Babalola
    Helen Oyeyemi
    Nwabineli Oby – Someday Maybe
    Akwaeke Emezi – You made a Fool of Death with your beauty
    Ayobami Adebayo – A spell of Good things
    Oyinkan Braithwaite – My Sister the Serial Killer
    Abi Dare – The Girl with the Louding Voice
    Yomi Adegoke – The List
    Kehinde Fadipe- The Sun Also Sets in Singapore
    Ore Agbaje-Williams- The Three of Us
    Tomi Adeyemi- Children of Blood and Bone

  4. Neurodivergent (likely a mix of CPTSD, ADHD, and possibly autism) and in a relationship with someone neurotypical. Both want to increase understanding of each other and are struggling with this. Are any of you in such with stories to share? If so, how have you worked on understanding one another? What unexpected stumbles have you had? Any resources you recommend? (We are both 45+)

    1. So there are marriage counselors that focus on this
      The ADD resource group I think it is ADDA has a lot of resources for both partners

    2. Couples therapy. We are both neurodivergent but can be very different in how we want some things handled. It was helpful to have a third party to reframe situations/asks so things that seemed dumb or trivial to one of us but isn’t to the other and have a better conversation than we had on our own. We use someone who identified neurodivergence as a focus area when looking for a therapist.

    3. Additude magazine has a lot of good stuff.

      As the person with ADHD, I asked DH to educate himself (read stuff I sent him etc), but I am also still accountable to being a good partner. So it’s not ‘shrug we’re late for church again’, it’s okay – we’ve been late for church the last 3 Sundays, and we need to find new strategies to make sure we’re on time. DH has had to consciously move from blaming/not understanding to focus on strategizing solutions that work for both of us. He really struggled to understand how hyperfocus allows me to close a $40 mil multiparty deal at work one day but not be able to get dressed, eat breakfast and get to church on time 2 days later without like 10 reminder alarms set on my phone.

  5. Hello, I thought I would give an update to you after my posting a couple of weeks ago about my process of separating from my abusive husband. Firstly everyone’s comments were so helpful, I have printed it off and keep looking at them. This community has really shown its strength.
    The last week or so has been very eventful. My husband’s bail conditions were relaxed, and it only took 4 days for him to come back to the house, drunk and force entry while I and a friend were inside barricaded in a room, while on the phone to the police (the kind of thing that only happens in movies) Long story short – I have all the needed protection orders, and the police have reopened the original enquiry. Emotionally this has been I think the most challenging experience of my life, but what I am so grateful to this community for , and the kindness of internet strangers, is that being able to post here meant I did not weaken in my resolve and reach out to him, or give him any reason to suggest that he should have come to the house, and he showed his true colours so quickly.
    There is a long path ahead, and I am sure I will scream at the universe, cry and still fight the ‘what ifs’, but onwards, and I feel a lot better than I did when I last posted.

    2. What a scary experience. I’m so glad you had a friend there and that the police are (FINALLY) taking this seriously. Wishing you strength and an easier path in the months ahead.

    3. Keep moving forward – it is huge that you have made it this far. And please keep posting, you have a whole globe of people who want you to be safe, happy, and healthy!

    4. My goodness. I am so glad you came through that experience physically unscathed and had your friend with you! You are strong and brave and will come through the rest of this just fine. We are with you.

    6. You are so strong. It’s going to be a rough path but you’ll be so much happier, and free.

    7. You’re right – he really did show his true colors. I’m so glad for you that you took this step and I wish for the best for you moving forward.

    8. When I left my abusive boyfriend, I tried to keep in mind that the person I thought he was just wasn’t true. Moments of kindness are how they trick people–if they didn’t, you wouldn’t have gotten in to begin with, let alone have stayed. It almost helped to think of the person I thought I knew as being dead.

      Every day you are so much closer to getting free of this nightmare. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll be in a much better place sooner than you realize. Hopefully the restraining orders are enough. That and a physical move (and a call to his mother saying I would 100% be calling the authorities if he ever contacted me again) were finally enough for me to break free. I wish the same for you. It can feel crazy when it’s all happening. But it’s not you–bad things like this happen to normal people every day. Please don’t be too hard on yourself for how you ended up in the relationship (I went through a period like that shortly after leaving). Just focus on getting away and creating something peaceful. I’m so far away from that situation now that it feels like it happened to someone else. I wish the same for you some day.

  6. I just saw some full-body pictures of myself that were taken at a work event last week and OOF. I know I’m overweight but I didn’t realize I looked that bad. Never wearing those jeans again that’s for sure. :(

    2. Same thing happened to me recently. I’m hitting the diet and exercise train this week!

    3. This is very relatable! I’ve seen a couple in the past few weeks where I don’t even recognize myself.

    4. Ugh… I hear you.

      Out of denial/procrastination, I have sometimes kept myself from buying/replacing clothing for things that fit me well. It’s admitting how my body has changed. I know many people who look fabulous with so many different body shapes. We can get there, with just a little bit of attention to the basics.

  7. Workwear question — for those in what we used to think of as white-collar jobs, are you still wearing workwear like this (maybe similar items that cost less)? Keeping it in your closet to wear sporadically? I was noticing my black pumps are . . . old now. Not worn but not fresh, either (clearly not new out of the box but serviceable). At some point, I can’t tell what is current for workwear because I see it so seldom (and I’m a lawyer, but a transactional one, so I don’t go to court).

    I have a funeral coming up and I’d wear black shoes to it (will be a graveside service, so it will be pointy-toe flats to avoid sinking into the grass). My flats are OK even though I wear them more but I just paused and took stock of my closet situation and it’s confusing as to what should be in there for 2024. My hipster city clothes (Doc-type ankle boots) don’t relate as what could be considered workwear to my older relatives who taught grade school in skirt suits with pantyhose and heels (that’s not a factor in my closet choices, just an observation of how much generational change there has been towards comfort dressing and being more casual overall).

    1. It’s possible to be too focused on things. If you don’t like something in your closet, donate it. We don’t need to dress like we did 49 years ago.

    2. IMO, true workwear doesn’t change that much. We aren’t having a skirt moment right now, but there’s nothing objectionable about the outfit featured above. It’s just much dressier than what many (but not all) workplaces require. I have no advice on heels because I refuse to wear them! But IMO, there’s always a place for a conservative shoe of some kind even if it’s not the thing you grab daily.

    3. I work in a formal office, so yes, I’m still wearing work wear, though I don’t love the item above so much. I wear heels most days, as do most women in my group.

    4. Yes, I do, for high-profile meeting days (usually about once a week). I wear a mix of heels and polished flats on office days.

    5. Yes, I have a range of looks in my closet from classic business formal to funkier, more contemporary and shoes to go with all of it. I do make sure that it’s all pretty current though, I’m not wearing shoes from 10 years ago for the most part.

    7. I’m a litigator and still wear suits, blazers, heels – basically variations of the standard workwear. Not so many skirts, but I’ve added some dresses back in recently. I would totally wear the outfit above.

      However, that’s also just my (potentially frumpy? Who knows) style. I was at a recent dinner where the dress code was business casual and the attendees were all high-level lawyers (in house and outside).
      The women were wearing a huge variety:
      MM LaFleur colored top, black pencil skirt, and heels
      fun drapey shawl collar jacket and wide leg pants
      polka dot dress and Rothys flats
      jeans, patterned top, and leather jacket with fashion sneakers
      full suit and heels
      pleated midi skirt, funky top, and leather blazer with flats
      black top and black ankle length pants with Rothys.

    8. I think the popular take that traditional workwear is dead is overstated, or at least very industry specific. I would absolutely wear (a less expensive dupe) of this this on one of my two office days a week and our CEO would this exact one. And I still have a couple of traditional suits to wear to court because, although I do not have to go often in my current in-house role, I do still go and judges expect lawyers to be in suits. But I work in a very conservative industry and while we rarely are in full suits, we are also not in jeans and fashion sneakers, particularly in upper management (or people who aspire to upper management).

      But I think everyone has to look at their job, the expectations surrounding them job, and winnow their wardrobe accordingly.

    9. I love this style blouse with black trousers for depositions where I want to look powerful but don’t want to wear a suit.

  8. Ugh — family is hard sometimes. Relative A has been mentally declining for a long time with lots of family caregiving at home. Relative P is now sharing via a constant text stream how annoyed she is not to be in the loop on every in and out of things. Relative P: maybe there is a reason people let you find things out vs tell you. I feel bad for families with an accute or chronic illness. The Kate Middleton story was sad to see play out, where you don’t even have the ability to keep your story your private story, but in my own family, I’m finding out it’s no different. There are some haters who make it hard on everyone.

    1. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I assume you’re closer to relative A and/or more of the weight of caregiving falls on you. If so, in those shoes, I so wish I’d given less weight to a drama llama’s wants and opinions. It’s ok to not take their calls.

  9. I’m probably not the only one still thinking about that sad, troubling diet/weight loss post from last week. I wanted to post a short rundown of my experience with body neutrality and intuitive eating. For context, I started off in a bad place – disordered eating, “diet starts tomorrow” interspersed with binging, and hyper-awareness of every little thing related to my body. I would suck it in passing a mirror when no one was around, zoom in on photos of my thin friends to analyze how much smaller they were than me, Google the heights and weights of professional athletes whose bodies I admired, you name it. It was troubling and that’s how I lived from age 12-approximately 28. During that time, my BMI was either normal or overweight (today it’s high end of overweight – and the pounds are both stable and worth it for the quality of life improvement. No more swings, and all the health numbers that matter are good).

    Even when you’re coming from that background, there is hope for a better future. I began practicing intuitive eating because I was just…tired. Tired of living that way, tired of trying and failing to stick with MyFitnessPal and obsessing about the calories in every drink, tired of talking about it with my equally-obsessed bestie, tired of all of it. It wasn’t an overnight fix, but to give an example of what I was like before and what I’m like now, I would pound free candy at work “before it’s gone” even if I didn’t actually like the candy on offer (Whoppers, seriously?), but now, I can actually decline ice cream (my all-time favorite dessert) if I’m not in the mood for it. Or I can have the ice cream and I don’t have to go to the gym an extra hour or eat a plain salad to make up for it. I eat it, enjoy it, and move on. I do incorporate what is sometimes called “gentle nutrition” to make sure I’m getting enough fiber and nutrients, but it looks so much more satisfying than it once did – think a homemade Cobb salad that I enjoy every bite of rather than a self-loathing steamed broccoli bowl.

    I also discovered body neutrality later on and it’s been a really good fit for me. I want to think about my body less, not focus on “loving my body” at all times. What helped make body neutrality work was getting more active in sports I love. Rediscovering some favorite childhood hobbies, including mountain biking and rock climbing, helped me increase the focus on what my body could do, not how it looked. I’ve heard this from lots of friends, too – body neutrality is a lot easier to work on when you can’t sit around ruminating. Whatever my body looks like when I’m spending lots of time on the things I love and eating a varied, intuitive diet has to be OK.

    I’m just one person and it’s not the world’s most unique experience and I don’t handle everything perfectly, but I wanted to pass it on to share the message that body neutrality isn’t unattainable even if you come from a disordered background. It was for me. It was worth the time and effort. I’ll never be the thinnest person in the room – but why would I need to be? Challenging that assumption (that I HAD to be thin) was key. It was also key that I WANTED to do this work and live differently. I had to make that choice.

    1. I’m happy for you!!!

      IMHO, “how would my life change if I successfully did X?” is such an important question. What does a promotion, another degree, finishing a marathon, being skinny, any of it get you? Maybe the answer is “autonomy at work, the ability to change my work culture for the better, being paid what I’m worth, and getting a seat at the table for making strategic decisions.” That’s a great reason to pursue a promotion! But I’m not convinced that someone whose reason is “because it’s the next brass ring” will be as happy in that new role.

      Same thing with anything else. The sense of accomplishment? Knock yourself out. The memories? Go for it! Or is it a futile attempt to appease a voice in your head that tells you constantly you aren’t good enough?

      Off that soap box for now….

    2. Thank you for sharing this. I was one of the posters who related to that essay just a bit too much. I, too, am tired of it all and think that body neutrality sounds a whole lot better than LOVE EVERY INCH OF MY BODY. I just don’t want to think about it at all, and I want to be less susceptible to comparing myself to others.

      1. I am overweight and not happy about the way clothes fit me now. On the other hand, I do not allow my belly to stop me from enjoying the beach or pool. I mentioned bringing a bathing suit to a colleague for a work conference and she recoiled at the thought of wearing a bathing suit at such an event. Now I am ruminating over whether I should be ashamed. Not asking for advice. Just observing how the body issues that other people have can affect us.

        1. They totally affect us. My office used to get sent a huge box of holiday baklava from a grateful client every year. Everyone looked forward to it, but one coworker held up the line to take a piece with a loud “how many calories are these?” and “I’m being bad today!” while she lifted the box over her head to read the nutrition label on the bottom. It was crazy to me that she would do that with a line of 10 people behind her and when literally everyone else (regardless of body size) had talked of this baklava with nothing but pleased anticipation.

        2. I think there are people who would be uncomfortable in a bathing suit around colleagues no matter what their body looks like.

          I agree with the first part of your comment, though. I am so much thicker in the middle than I was a few years ago and I do not like it. But I still wear two- piece swimsuits (top substantial enough for the bosom and boy shorts style bottoms) because I hate a wet bathing suit on my stomach more than I hate showing my stomach.

          1. Professional settings (work conferences) call for a professional appearance, and beach/pool gear is never professional attire (unless you are a professional swimmer or sailor). This is an old-school attitude, but it avoids awkward situations, such as emerging dripping wet from the hotel swimming pool in front of colleagues, all of whom are fully-dressed and sitting around the hotel pool enjoying a refreshing cocktail hour. But swimming for exercise before or after working hours and work socializing can work well. My rule of thumb is that unless I would otherwise socialize with work counterparts away from a work setting, I don’t treat work travel as social time.

        3. It has always blown my mind that people find it absolutely fine to wear swimwear in public. There are underwear garments that leave less to the imagination! I’m not a prude but logically it’s difficult to marry “no crop top” and “hmm bikini or one piece”. Why is the crop top frowned upon (work) or considered edgy (casual work or non work) whereas one piece is considered relatively covered up. It’s just weird. That’s all.

    3. This is a good reminder that I need to stop eating the free donuts at work just because they’re there.

    4. I didn’t read the post last week, but your comment resonates with me big time, especially having pounded free candy at work “before it’s gone” that I didn’t even like, learning to eat treats because I want to and not because they’re there, and not eating self-loathing bowls of steamed broccoli!

      I’ll share this idea that guides me in a lot of this which I learned from @real.life.nutritionist on Instagram: satisfaction/fun/enjoyment is a macro and should be given the same mental weight as protein, fat, carbs and fiber. If you force yourself to eat self-loathing bowls of steamed broccoli for every meal, of *course* you end up binging the moment something you actually like is available to you. Scarcity mindset.

    5. thanks for posting, I too am still troubled by that post.
      Growing up, my mom modeled a weird relationship to her body. Outwardly confident, indulging in good food, and hiding away diet books, protein shakes and whatnot. Not that easy to hide things like that with a nosy teenager. Plus all the women’s mags that were a staple in the house.
      So I definitely absorbed the notion that being curvy was something to be fixed, and I deferred being content, confident and outgoing into some future after I attained a better body.
      My turnaround was definitely banishing women’s mags, even those that claimed to be for smart driven ladies and those that were health centered, because they still devoted too much time to how one’s body needs improvement. That one change has definitely helped me obsess about this so much less and live this one life that I have. Plus I’m not on Instagram or Facebook.
      It sounds like I’m in a similar place as OP, my weight is stable if not some ‘ideal weight’, and my body can do the things I want.

      1. Not reading magazines and not following influencers on social media has been huge for me.

        1. Yes, and replacing weight loss influencers with anti-diet ones has been huge for me.

        1. Ugh I found it. I guess I saw the pic of the feet on the scale and didn’t open it. Which is really progress for me!

  10. For a couple of friends planning a bucket list trip to Japan: Has anyone used either Kensington Tours or Firebird Tours? Any other recs for a tour operator? They are looking to mostly plan the tour themselves but have private, local guides for each city or location.

    And one of my friends is particularly interested in traditional Japanese architecture and culture. Any must-see suggestions?

    Thanks.

    1. I used Tours By Locals there and they were fantastic but my understanding is you have to pass tests to become a tour guide in Japan, so the company probably doesn’t matter too much. Highly recommend the suggested approach of booking private tours though.

      1. Agree with private tours and Tours by Locals. I have also had really good luck with private tours through Viator lately (though not in Japan) and they are significantly less expensive.

        As far as places to go, I really enjoyed Miyajima Island, which is in the Osaka/Hiroshima area.

  11. Today I read an article in my little local paper about how high the costs are to public libraries for purchasing ebooks. It reminded me of the conversation a week or so ago where we were all advocating for borrowing ebooks from our public libraries. It was news to me that the price for an ebook can be around $40 to $50 and is usually only good for a certain period of time (1 to 2 years usually). Audio books are even more expensive. The price also increases for number of available copies. I use my library’s Libby app to read a large chunk of books because I’d be shelling out quite a bit of my budget on hard copy books otherwise, and its convenience is excellent. I think a lot of us do that. I already donate to my local public library. This article just reinforced how important it is to donate to public libraries.

    1. Or buy the kindle version and support the authors who write the books you love to read.

    2. Yes – and spend time there, check out physical books, and use their resources when you need! The more demand there is for their resources the better they’ll be able to advocate for getting the funding they need.

    3. +1 to what Vicky said. Increasing the library’s numbers in whatever way or combination of ways works for you is so important. Libraries purchasing books, ebooks and audio books also supports authors. It’s not an either/or proposition.
      Show your city or town that the public library is a valued resource by using it as much as you can in whatever manner suits you best. Talk it up on social media. Meet friends there.

    4. I’ve seen that article in a number of places – I think actually after a number of checkouts, an ebook cannot be reused. So it puts a serious burden on libraries. Hopefully they can negotiate better terms with some of these publishers.

      1. Thank you for raising this issue. The cost of ebooks is a significant burden for libraries and many libraries already struggle with limited funds, staffing shortages, aging infrastructure, and the ongoing threat of budget cuts.

        Libraries are not guaranteed to exist indefinitely. If having a library is important to you, make it known to your representatives, and ask your librarian how you can help support the library next time you’re there.

  12. Distraction ideas please. I’m awaiting biopsy results but the size of the cysts and the locations were concerning. My doctor is rushing results but I won’t hear until Thursday at the soonest. I am a mess – I feel like I’m going to break down at any moment. I have a child and I’m trying to stay positive/not spiral but it’s really rough.
    I’ve been cooking/baking to stock my freezer and I have a volunteer activity on Wednesday so those help pull me out of my head. Other than exercise is there anything else you’d all suggest? I’m open to book suggestions but only very light hearted topics please – no death/illness.

    1. It’s so hard. I have been through it a couple of times. One thing I tell myself is that there’s not anything I can do to change it now. Worrying about it won’t change the results. Try to get in some exercise, even just a vigorous walk to get your heart rate up – I find that really helps with nervousness/anxiety. Hugs to you.

    3. Rewatch a tv show you love and know doesn’t touch on illness. Find and make the most complicated baking recipe you can. If there’s a show you loved in the 2000s a lot of them have rewatch podcasts, put one on and go for a walk. Do a deep spring cleanout – try on every piece of clothing you own, go through all the papers in your office, clean out that drawer everyone has of totally random stuff. Put on the Eras tour on Disney Plus and just look at sparkles for four hours. (Skip the song Marjorie.)

      Don’t go anywhere near any social media, even places you think would be safe – I’ve been dealing with my dad’s cancer for the last few months, which included abdominal surgery, and everything about Charles and Kate and the public’s insane response has meant triggers everywhere. (Would recommend you not read the weekend open thread either.) And the internet has too many medical rabbit holes to go down – just don’t log on at all if you can avoid it.

      I have my fingers crossed for you and your family.

    4. My mantra last year as I went through biopsy, lumpectomy, radiation was “station to station.” You can’t make the train move faster and you can’t be concerned about what’s at the next station. You can only react to and deal with what you know now. This is all easier said than done. I had some freak out moments before my first zometa infusion last week, but the freak outs were much worse than the actual infusion or side effects.

      Take a deep breath and know that you are strong enough to handle whatever comes next. We are all here for you.

    5. What helped me when I had a breast biopsy was to acknowledge whatever it was was there before the biopsy and before the biopsy results. My anxiety wouldn’t change that outcome as whatever it was had already done its thing.

      Hoping the days pass quickly this week, and you get the all clear.

    6. No great suggestions, because the waiting is in fact, the hardest part (thanks Tom Petty). I will say, do NOT google. Just don’t…

  13. Any general tips for cutting back on sugar consumption – as in actual sugar like candy or cookies or just lowering carb consumption in general since that turns to sugar?

    No specific reason for this – I’m just in my 40s now, and seem to see a lot of health articles and it seems like sugar has negative links to so many long term health conditions. Up until now I guess I had never thought about sugar or carb consumption because I always felt like if you worked out, even spent a lot of time standing, you’d burn off the sugar so NBD. Now I’m not so sure.

    I grew up in an iced tea consuming family – like a daily glass with lunch or dinner. I will say in the last year or two, that’s down to maybe 4 servings a month, rather than 31 servings per month.

    Any tips for what other things to cut out or how to make it sustainable? FWIW I’m a big cookie, cracker, chocolate type person.

    1. I’m not a good moderator so I don’t keep a lot in the house. I do bake a lot though but I don’t do massive portions. So last night I did a quick batch of chocolate chip cookies but only made like 15ish. Enough for dessert last night and kids lunch boxes today. I’ll probably make carrot cake tonight. We’ll do half for dessert and then I’ll freeze the other half for dessert later in the week. Baking instead of buying means less room for binge eating which is my issue.

      We also keep lots of other options like fruit/veggies/nuts/pretzels/popcorn on hand for snacking and more kid friendly stuff like individual goldfish cracker pouches for lunches but having lunch making supplies in a separate cupboard that the kids pull from when making their lunches means I’m less likely to raid it if I get a craving.

    2. If there is no specific reason for cutting back on sugar, then why are you doing it? It sounds like you are already doing great.

      1. Because she is seeing “a lot of health articles and it seems like sugar has negative links to so many long term health conditions.” This is true and you are smart OP! I know I should do the same.

        1. +1

          It is the time of life where hormones change, weight starts to increase in the stomach, diagnosis of hypertension/pre-diabetes jump, and as you hit menopause and the joint aches/sleep issues etc.. progress, it will be a suggestion many of us will hear from our Docs.

    3. I had to read your iced tea sentence twice bc I didn’t process how it was relevant the first time — I don’t think I’ve ever had iced tea with sugar in it other than the one time I tried sweet tea! Slice of lemon only.

      I’d focus on where you get the most pleasure from sugar and try to cut it out when you don’t. Like the handful of crackers I’d mindlessly inhale while waiting for dinner? Those need to go. Not the one Dove square that I enjoy after lunch.

      1. I giggled at the tea sentence! I’m in an area where “iced tea” means “sweet tea” and you have to specify if you want unsweet. I have a friend from California who makes fun of me because of the look on my face once when she said that restaurants don’t even serve sweet tea. It’s certainly a divisive topic!

      2. I was also confused by it! Also from an “iced tea” family that drinks it daily but it’s all unsweetened here!

    4. tldr: Eat what you like, and focus on what brings YOU pleasure instead of old habits or other people’s habits.

      —
      I mainly eat next to no sugar, have zero cravings, including PMS chocolate, and don’t notice candy if I pass it in the store. This coincides with getting enough sleep and being well rested and not stressed.

      If I suddenly think about sweet treats, it’s a warning sign that something else is going on – the energy spikes of candy can help with a long overtime weekend, a week of terrible sleep or similar.

      I know this is not universal, but for me sugar is a substitute for rest, not really that much of a pleasure. For me that means that my only rule is “do I really want it?”. I eat anything I want, as long as I truly want it. In reverse I also refuse anything I do not want, unless it’s made by grandma.

      If I don’t want cake, I’m not interested in being guilted into having “just a bit”. I don’t eat dessert I don’t fancy, I don’t want Halloween leftovers, I truly do not want an Oreo, ever.

      I don’t care what other people eat, and don’t say anything beyond “no, thank you”, or sometimes “no, thank you – not a dessert person”. I used to eat things to be polite, but feel so much better when I don’t.

    5. For me, it was little steps.

      I still eat those things, but less. And I buy the very best, tastiest version of snack/treats, but in small amounts. So if I eat it all and it’s gone… that’s it! I’m not going back to the store before my next trip for more, and always shop with a list and not when I am hungry.

      I keep cookies in the freezer, and just thaw 1 or 2 after dinner for a treat. I try to buy darker chocolate versions, that make we want to eat it all less. I use mix plain yogurt with a smaller amount of vanilla yogurt and add fresh berries to get a bit of sweetness but without as much sugar and a lot of of flavor. I eat healthy and filling meals so that I am less likely to binge between. And I still let myself eat the things I enjoy. I use Splenda in my morning cup of coffee instead of sugar, and slowly use a little less over time to get used to less sweet things.

      Right now I am cutting down on bread/pasta/potatoes/rice. Keep bread in the freezer, and if I have a sandwich, it is an open sandwich (one piece of bread instead of two, and sourdough or whole grain bread). Replace white rice with brown, and use less with each serving. Sweet or purple potatoes instead of white potatoes. Sometimes use lentil or chickpea “pasta” instead of the usual (high protein) pasta. Small changes, but don’t exclude things, and still eat the “less healthy” forms if I want them. Two vegetables with every dinner, small amount of carb (if any), big protein.

    6. So idk if this is what youre looking for but I think I’m a genius for figuring this out so I’m going to share. Sugar is addictive and addiction annoys my contrarian “you can’t tell me what to do!” nature. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth naturally, but around the holidays sugar gets forced on me and it’s soooo hard to break the habit once it starts. It takes months of discipline to get back to normal.

      This year I finally resorted to counter-emotional warfare tactics. My mother always bakes Christmas cookies because she loves us, then she forces us to eat her love/cookies, while she complains about baking. Every year we tell her she doesn’t have to bake if she doesn’t want to, we understand and just want to spend time with her. This year I switched it up. When she complained I didn’t say ohhh mom nooooo you don’t have to bake. I said oh mom but Christmas isn’t Christmas without your cookies. Guess what didn’t make an appearance at Christmas? She was so smug about it too, she was absolutely beside herself with how pleased she was that she didn’t bake. I did my best to look as disappointed as she expected. I wouldn’t want to disappoint my mother on Christmas, after all. Clearly our dynamic is as healthy as her cookies.

    7. Did you read the New York Times article about the sugar harvesting industry in India? It was hard to get through. Definitely makes me want to cut my consumption

      1. I’m Indian and that’s my home state. So yes, even Pepsi and coke contribute to this stuff. Much worse than Chinese sweatshops.

    8. Same age group – sugar has always been on my radar as my maternal grandmother had diabetes so my mother and aunts and uncles are always fretting about sugar. Yet I grew up in a home where there was frequent dessert, constant sweet tea. Like you in my 20s and even my 30s, I didn’t give it tons of thought. I figured I was active enough.

      Now nearing my mid 40s, I feel like I’ve just naturally cut back on things with added sugar. I’m well aware that those pretzels or goldfish crackers will also turn to sugar in the body, but somehow I think of sweet carb snacks as worse because they will turn to sugar in the body plus have added sugar on top. So I just pass by the sweets I’m fairly indifferent to – things like rice krispy treats, oreos, almost all granola bars, jams, etc. I’m a big chocolate person so I almost feel like cutting back on some random pudding or jam whatever allows me to eat the candy I like or the cookies I like sometimes.

      I live alone so I have also grown conscious of what I’m buying and how much of it because only I will eat it. So even if they’re on sale, I’m only letting myself pick up one package of orange Milanos because I know that in the course of the next week I’ll be consuming all of them, but then when the package is done, it’s done. I’m not running back to the store same day to get another way. Same with things like candy – keep it in the house but then also let it run out and don’t be in a rush to pick up another bag for weeks. Conversely for good snacks like nuts, cheeses etc. I make sure there’s always a few unopened packages in reserve.

  14. Hope everyone is having a good Monday. I worked late last night so I could finish a project and get it off my desk today. All that remains is a final check and making sure the pdf prints properly!

    My rescue bulldog is about to have the best day of his life. The neighbors have a landscaping crew starting on their backyard today, and there is nothing he loves better than to peer through the fence at any sort of work crew, contractors etc. He gets so excited he chews on his toys right at the base of the fence while watching. Fortunately for him, it’s not a solid style fence so he can easily keep an eye on what’s going on and/or supervise. I’m sure the crew didn’t know they’d be getting so much help today.

    Happy Monday & early spring to you all!

  15. anyone travel to japan recently? going with my teenage boys in june. can they wear athletic clothes? Like gym shorts? if they shouldn’t, what should the wear? like khacki golf shorts? pants?

    1. anyone travel to japan recently? going with my teenage boys in june. can they wear athletic clothes? Like gym shorts? if they shouldn’t, what should the wear? like khacki golf shorts? pants?

    2. You’ll stand out regardless so I wouldn’t worry about it for daily out and about activities. It’s more formal overall though so I would take khaki pants, real shoes and a jacket or sweater if you plan to do any nicer dinners and to have just in case.

  16. What are your biggest grammar pet peeves? I breathed a sigh of relief when my future husband used your and you’re correctly in a text msg – their/there/they’re too

    1. being able to distinguish when to use two words vs. combined. Like workout. One word as a noun, two for a verb.

    2. Hard to choose the biggest pet peeve, but abuse of semicolons is right up there. “Then I said to him; you can’t do that.”

    3. I know I could just scroll on by, but I don’t have grammar pet peeves. Unless the mistake truly muddies up the meaning, then I don’t get stressed about this. Not using the correct their/they’re/there doesn’t typically (ever?) make a sentence where you can’t understand it.

      Also some “grammar mistakes” are simply regional or dialect differences that people use as a class marker or other subconscious judgment.

      1. I don’t get stressed about it for casual emails, texts, whatever – I think it’s rude to correct people’s grammar there. In the workplace, though, people who fail to learn grammar make a LOT of work for others. I spend way more time than I should fixing errors that I’d expect a fourth-grader to have mastered. A coworker with an advanced degree literally wrote this sentence: “And so; the results demonstrate, that the new Program was likely not effective, however we are still waiting for the results from the second site.” That isn’t a regional or class issue.

        1. That’s fair at work! The OP and I bet most of the follow on comments will be about texts, letters, speaking, etc., I bet.

        1. There are other languages that use an apostrophe followed by an “s” for plurals.

      3. Not to mention holiday cards from “The Smith’s.”

        You do not need an apostrophe to pluralize your last name. Ever. This has been a PSA.

    5. “Her and her mom went shopping”
      “Me and him are going out tonight”
      “Where’s that at”
      My husband and in laws use these and more all the time.

        1. Oh gosh, I see I’s all the time and it’s usually from my friends who are teachers…

      2. I see this everywhere, and I think it’s an actual shift in language happening in real time. It’s becoming so much more common, and it doesn’t bother me, certainly not in spoken language.

        1. My kids are Gen Z. During their high school years it was always “me and,” as in “me and my friend are going to the 7-11.” I tried correcting them so many times, but it was just how everyone in their world spoke. I still hate it, but I notice it has faded a little now that they’re in college.

      3. Not to mention the generation(s?) who were scolded constantly for saying “me” and now live in constant fear of misusing it so never use it, ever, even when it would be correct, and end up misusing “myself” to no end.

    6. I live in a part of the US where people omit “to be” especially with the verb “need” – so they say things like “this needs done.” Even highly educated people do it, and it drives me absolutely nuts. My kids are also picking it up from school.

    8. I’m an editor and I’m truly shocked how poorly my otherwise well educated colleagues write. My mom is a history teacher and I text her at least once a week thanking her for editing countless crappy high school papers.

      The quality of writing I get really, really makes me fear and question the US education system.

    9. I don’t care nearly as much here or in casual communication as I do professional life. But biggest grammar-related issue I face at work is when clients edit grammatical errors in to our work product and then re-edit them in when I choose to ignore the first time comments are passed. It happens… a lot.

      That said, I will judge you if you repeatedly misuse your/you’re or other common homophones, regardless of the medium. Once, or even three times, I give a pass because I assume autocorrect is the culprit. Beyond that…no.

    11. People have started saying “I resonate with that” instead of “that resonates with me” and for some reason it really grinds my gears. I’m aware this is how language evolves and is objectively NBD, but it doesn’t stop be from being irrationally annoyed.

      1. I’ve also been noticing this one a lot recently. Where did it come from? It’s funny, because I think it actually makes a lot of sense given the physical meaning of resonance, so I don’t think it’s grammatically incorrect, but I swear I never heard it until a year or so ago.

      2. Oh yes. I’ve been hearing that as often as I hear it the correct way. And it’s very overused these days.

    12. This reminds me of a hilarious website that shows photos of signs with unnecessary quotation marks, unnecessary quotes dot com. It’s one of my pet peeves. You’ll “enjoy” it.

      1. Fruit stands in the summer around my hometown all seem to have agreed among themselves that the proper spelling is “Cherrie’s” – including the quotation marks.

      4. My absolute favorite genre of silly photo! Some of them are so ominous. “Fresh” Worms!

      5. I “laughed out loud” at the link labeled –

        Subsribe to “blog” updates on twitter

    13. My husband gets your / you’re wrong in texts to me and it does make me cringe. He mostly dictates his texts so I remind myself that it’s Siri getting it wrong.

      We both have the flat California accent where the two words are pronounced the same way.

        1. I’ve heard people pronounce you’re more like the word you. I pronounce both as yore.

    14. I mostly let things go but my husband gets absolutely enraged when people mix up “bring” and “take.”

    15. Everybody is putting apostrophes where they don’t belong these days! It drives me crazy! But really, my biggest one is saying less when it should be fewer.

      1. As a mathematician, that is definitely mine.

        Discrete when someone means discreet bothers me too. Like a discrete affair…. so, you mean not continuous? Countable?

    16. Lately the use of “anyways” bothers the heck out of me! It’s not a word, people!

    17. Misuse of “myself” is on my list. “He and myself are going to the movies.”
      Also this is likely not technically wrong, but I am curious about people who phrase sentences like “I am wanting to go to the movies” instead of “I want to go to the movies.” Is this a regional thing?

      1. I think it is. We lived in Texas for a time and my Yankee husband would get so irritated by “fixin’ to,” but it has a life of its own!

      2. I think it’s a slightly different meaning (wanting to instead of want) – want being immediate, wanting to being more of a general air of desire to do the thing.

    18. Saying something is “very unique” or “a little unique”. If something is unique, it’s unlike anything else – unique doesn’t need a qualifier. You can’t have something that’s very unlike anything else or a little unlike anything else.

    19. I feel like I’m the only one in the world who cares about this anymore, but who/whom is a big one for me.

      1. Compose vs comprise used to really bother me, but it’s one of those language evolution things, so I decided to get over it.

        The whole is composed of the parts, while the parts comprise the whole. Unfortunately, lots of people love to use comprise in place of compose in business speak because it sounds fancier.

        1. I love to use comprise correctly; it feels so efficient.

          I was taught to remember them thus: language is composed of words, but words comprise language.

    21. Using “less” when they mean “fewer.” Placement of “only” in the sentence. In spoken language, saying “a whole nother”

      1. There was a somewhat running joke in Game of Thrones about people correcting less vs fewer and I laughed every time.

    22. My pet peeve is the misuse of pallette, palate, pallet, and paillette. Why can authors not bother to check the dictionary definitions before publishing? It bugs me so much.

    23. Using “substitute” incorrectly, such that the order of the thing being substituted and the original thing are reversed. I see this in online recipes and comments about online recipes. I think writers are using “substitute“ like “replace“ – often they use the word “sub“ but I read it as “ substitute,” as I think that’s what they mean.

      1. This is whatever the opposite of a pet peeve is for me. When a person is so smug about something so inconsequential, but the person is wrong. All the dictionaries I consulted list substitute as a verb meaning “to replace” or similar.

  17. “demands an immediate ceasefire for the month of Ramadan, the immediate and unconditional release of hostages and “the urgent need to expand the flow” of aid into Gaza.” –> this is the resolution passed by the UN. Sounds great to me – hostages home + help for people of Gaza, but how does this work in practice when it seems like other negotiations about releasing the hostages are stalled

    1. I’m not sure about this either. Last I heard, the remaining hostages were thought to be arranged in a human shield in front of a leading commander in Gaza. I don’t think Hamas is going to give that up too easily. Once the hostages are out of Gaza, Israel could also flood the tunnels.

      1. Where did you get this information? Curious as I haven’t seen it, but would always be interested in additional sources.

        1. The comment about flooding tunnels came from former ambassador Oren. The stuff about human shields (for Yahya Sinwar) was in international news, forgot where I saw it.

    2. This doesn’t work in practice. All it will do is put further pressure on Israel to cease fire while they wait for the hostages to be released or resume negotiations. We all know Hamas will not release the hostages because they don’t care about Palestinians. If they did, the hostages would have been released months ago.

    4. UN security council resolutions (like all UN resolutions!) are a combo of symbolic + aspirational. Sometimes they’re a first step giving a little guidance or an “excuse” to start negotiations, but even in the best case they are only a very very small part of all the diplomacy that goes into re-establishing peace

      In this case, I think 99% of the significance is the US’ abstention – it is one step further along the range of options the US has to communicate “hey, we really mean it – find a way to protect civilians better”

  18. This came up recently with friends and I’m curious about everyone’s thoughts. How offended would you be if a first date didn’t initially recognize you? I’m not great at recognizing someone based on pictures. So you can imagine how I struggled with first dates from dating apps. I’m also not great at recognizing people I’ve met in an environment where I feel overwhelmed, like networking or speed dating. I get anxious in crowds; I can hold it together, but I’m operating at this level of sort of frenetic energy where I’m spending so much energy calming my breathing and speech and facial expressions and listening to people and trying to make eye contact but not too much eye contact that it’s hard to really focus visually on what’s going on around me. I’ll recognize someone’s voice and remember what we talked about, but I won’t recognize their face.

    Back when I was dating, I always tried to be the first one there so the guy had to find me. I would also message the guy when I was walking up so I’d know where he was. On two separate dates with different people, the guy hadn’t responded to my message and was standing outside the bar instead of sitting at the bar like I’d expected. Both times, I walked right past him. He got up and followed me in and it was very awkward. One of the guys was gracious and I ended up marrying him. He still pokes fun at me about it. I poke fun at him for wearing hiking boots to a cocktail lounge. The other guy (years earlier) id met at a speed dating event and he was kind of a jerk about it. He proceeded to make passive aggressive comments throughout the date. Like, I said I wanted to teach one day, his response was “well those who can’t do, teach, right?” I mentioned I love shoes and he asked if that was the case why was I wearing THOSE as he pointed with disgust at my Tory Burch ballet slippers, which were in at the time (2008?). All of this came up with friends over drinks and someone commented that the jerk was right to be insulted and really I was the bad actor there. Not that it matters at this point but I was surprised by my friend’s comment. Maybe I shouldn’t repeat this story?

    1. It sounds like you have face blindness. It’s a minor disability and I would just be aware of it but we aren’t all good at everything. The guy who was rude to you sounds like he was just generally a jerk and unsuitable for you. It’s good that you married someone kinder.

      1. I have some form of it. Every gray/silver haired white guy with glasses is the same man, as far as my brain is concerned. My career has been in the insurance industry, so a real problem!

      2. i have face blindness (granted self diagnosed) but asking me to pick someone out of a lineup would be hilarious. in college there was a group of frat boys i hung out with as a freshman and i could list all of their names, but could not have told you which name went which with face since they mostly had similar hair and skin color

        1. I took one of those online face blindness quizzes and it asked me whether I could tell George Clooney & Brad Pitt apart. Since neither of them have silver hair and glasses (yet) I passed with flying colors.

          I work with plenty of bespectacled gray haired men and I recognize them easily now, but it’s because I’ve gotten to know them. When I’m just meeting people, it’s absolutely impossible. I had to lean over to my boss in a meeting once and whisper, “is that the same guy from before?” and he looked at me like I had lost my marbles.

    2. On a first date, definitely not something to get upset about. If you didn’t recognize somebody after that, yeah, they’d have reason to be miffed.

    3. Uhhhh I don’t think the person standing up for the jerk was really your friend!

    4. I’m sorry, but that jerk was a jerk and your friend is a jerk. This is just a human thing that happens. It would be stressful to get worked up over something so inconsequential. Please don’t give it another thought!

      Gentle ribbing from your husband is cute as long as you like that. Actual bad treatment over something so common and not-a-big-deal is obnoxious.

    5. Well, that 2nd guy was a jerk, and kind of sounds like your friends aren’t very nice either…! No, it isn’t unusual not to recognize someone you have never met before after only having seen a photo! Especially in a stressful situation like meeting up for a 1st date. In fact, some of us are also different in our abilities to remember faces as well! It is due to differences in a part of our brain. My Dad was like this, and for some people it can be severe… they only recognize people by their voice/walk/dress style etc…

      Anyway, I am surprised you worry about this so many years later. Sounds like you have a little bit of anxiety to work on, but that’s ok. I’m like that too!

    6. It sounds like the guy was a jerk for other reasons, but yeah I would be insulted if I’d met someone in person already & they didn’t recognize me on a date.
      I think just meeting someone who you’ve only seen pictures of, it’s pretty normal to take a minute to recognize them IRL. Sounds like you might have a little facial blindness in general

    7. Since it happened in 2008 and you’re married to one of the men now, I think it’s well past time to get over it.

      2. It sounds to me like she was over it until her “friend” chastised her. Telling a story about your past doesn’t mean you aren’t over it.

        1. Yeah I guess I thought it was a silly story and didn’t realize it painted me in such a poor light! It’s one thing to be a bit self deprecating with friends, it’s another to come off as rude. Only one person said something. Everyone else sort of ignored her and moved on, but it’s hard to tell if that was because they agreed with her but didn’t want to belabor the point or disagree with her but it wasn’t a serious enough thing to call her out about.

          1. You’ve gotten unanimous feedback here that you weren’t rude, which is a rarity! I agree and think the gross dude and your friend are both the AHs.

    8. The second guy sounds like a jerk in multiple ways.

      Based on how RTO went after 3 years of seeing some people only via Teams picture they’d selected for themselves (soooo many people were camera-off all the time), you are 100% not alone in not being able to immediately put an IRL face to a photo.

      1. I work with someone who has such a glamour shot for their head shot/camera off image, I didn’t even recognize them when they turned their camera on.

        1. Ha, yes, I worked with a female partner who’s headshot was retouched to high heaven. I met her for the first time in person ahead of a client meeting and barely recognized her – thank god security called me to grab her so I knew who I was looking for at least!

    9. My husband didn’t recognize me on our first date because I was wearing glasses that day and didn’t have any pics with glasses on my profile. Since covid, I wear glasses most of the time and we still joke that I catfished him!

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