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Updated: May 27, 2021 112 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Dagne Crossbody

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I'm still mired in my Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale roundup (soooo many tabs open) — but this gorgeous crossbody from Dagne Dover is one of my favorite sale items. In fact, I've never seen the Dagne Dover stuff on sale for so low a price — great time to stock up if you're a a fan of their tote bags.

This lovely crossbody comes in four colors, and has a lot of smart interior organization — there's a removable carry handle and removable crossbody strap, two exterior card slots, interior card slots, key clips, and lipstick loops. They're marked down to $109 in the sale.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Bar exam question

    I know lots of you are lawyers and I have a question about the bar exam (I work in finance, I have no knowledge about law/the bar exam). My cousin-in-law is preparing to take the bar exam. She started her undergraduate school when she got engaged to my cousin and in the year between completing undergrad and law school they got married and had a child.

    My cousin has told me there is some strain on their marriage now because she is spending so much time in the last few months finishing law school and preparing for the bar that she has no time for him or their daughter. He works full time and has been doing all the childcare and domestic things because my cousin-in-law says she has no time. Apparently she also has been short and raised her voice with both of them quite a bit and she has moved into a hotel temporarily so she can ‘study in peace without any interference or nonsense’ (her words). I witnessed her yell at them once for being to loud when I dropped her off after I babysat while my cousin was at work. But I don’t live there so I don’t know how much she has been disturbed or if she has enough time to study. My cousin and their daughter haven’t seen or talked to her for over three weeks now beyond a couple of short texts and she will be at the hotel until after the bar apparently.

    I feel for my cousin because he is busy with his job and the childcare and home stuff. I don’t know anything about how it works so I’m unsure if this is normal for bar preparation or not. I always got along with her before this and if this is normal I don’t want it to affect things. I’m hoping we can resume our friendship when she is done with the bar exam. My cousin is heartbroken, I know he was the one to encourage her to go to school when her parents were against it but I don’t think he is 100 percent right now because I know he is so tired and burned out. So he is feeling things harder than usual.

    I don’t want to take sides but I don’t know enough about what is normal here. I wanted to ask if bar preparation is really that bad? Is it normal to want to be away from family and friends during it? What can I do to be supportive? Thank you to anyone who reads this.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t adopt this as your problem – you need to just stay out of it. It doesn’t affect your relationship with them. That being said, some people are ridiculously high-strung and it doesn’t mean it’s normal.

      • Bar exam question

        It’s hard for me because she was a good friend (before she met my cousin we were good friends and once roommates) and he is family. I don’t want to judge, another comment reminded me not to do that so I’m trying to keep that in mind. I want to support both of them because they’re going through a hard time.

        • Anon

          Do you normally involve yourself in their relationship? I understand your intentions are good but you should stay out of this unless you’re asked for something specific.

    • Anon

      Listen, everyone is different and so this is going to vary wildly from person to person. That said, in my personal opinion this is way over the top from what you’ve described here (assuming this is the full story, which, who knows). I worked with someone who went to school at night and intentionally planned her pregnancy so that she would be able to have the baby in late May and study for and take the bar while on maternity leave from her day job. My best friend in law school had two kids under three when taking the bar and she never moved out of her house and still did the vast majority of parenting. They both passed the bar and are fine.

    • Anonymous

      So yes the bar exam study process is one that is all consuming, though for many/most people it doesn’t become all consuming until like the end of June — BUT for people who are really doing everything they’re supposed to, it is all consuming. That being said I and most of my peers were 25 and single at that time. We all stayed in our law school apartments and went to bar prep class all day and studied from the day after we graduated law school until the bar at the end of July. From what I remember of my married with kids classmates though, no no one moved into a hotel for 2 MONTHS before the exam. They treated it more like a job — 8 hrs a day on campus at the prep course and then studying afterwards (the courses were on campus then, not true anymore). Then they’d go home around say 6 pm, see their spouse/kids, hang out until 8-9, and then study more say 9-midnight. Now IDK what was going on in their homes, and I imagine that in the last 2-3 week they probably WANTED to move to a hotel and/or went home, ate dinner quick and back to studying and their spouse did everything from dinner to cleaning up to dealing with the kid — but I know people weren’t totally ignoring their spouse/kids for 2.5 whole months.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, it just sounds like your cousin is playing the role of dutiful wife and is upset about it because he has been socially conditioned to think that he doesn’t need to make sacrifices. If the roles were reversed and the woman had to take burden (as they have been doing for centuries) it would be a non issue. We’re only discussing this because in your cousin is male.

    • anon

      Hoo boy, I’d stay far, far away from this mess. I’d have a very hard time not judging the in-law because you don’t get to just clock out on 100% of your parenting and life responsibilities, IMO. Hopefully, it’s just a blip in an otherwise stable partnership. As far as how to be supportive, offer your cousin babysitting help/kid respite/bring him a meal. Because, yeah, he’s burning out, too.

    • busybee

      It’s not really that bad and she’s being over the top. When I studied, it was essentially a full time job- I studied from about 7 am to 3pm, with a break midday for lunch and a run, and usually a quick evening review session. She needs to learn to handle her time and her stress better.

    • Anonymous

      The bar exam is at the end of July? No. This is absurd. She doesn’t get to peace out on her child for 2 months +

    • kitten

      I’d stay out of it but yes this is way over the top. I didn’t start studying until June and honestly spent about 4-6 hours a day studying. I hung out with friends, worked out a lot, and took naps all the time. It was the first time I hadn’t had a job since I was a teen. It was actually the most relaxing and least busy season of my entire adult life so far.

      • CountC

        Ha! This was me for my second bar – I laid at the pool, glanced at the multi-state study book while I relaxed, and browsed the site of a tutor for the state I was taking to get some idea of the topics that would be covered. I actually have NO idea how I managed to pass because I was beyond laissez-faire about it, but I did!

    • Anonymous

      Just help him out, and don’t judge her. The bar exam varies in difficulty between states and there are states where the exam is very difficult and there are very low pass rates. So don’t assume the posters above all had the same challenge. If she is not doing well enough on the sample exams to pass, knuckling down full time is her only option.

      • Anon

        Full time doesn’t mean moving into a hotel. I guess COVID may be precluding her from using a library. If she needs a hotel room to study, she should still be perfectly able to come home for family dinner/bedtime and to sleep at home!

      • Bar exam question

        I didn’t know the bar exam was different depending on the state. I thought it was standardized. So that is good to know. She is studying for the Oklahoma bar exam. I’m trying my best to help my cousin and I’ll keep in mind not to judge. Thank you for this.

        • CountC

          With the caveat that I took them 13 and 9 years ago respectively, there is/was both a standardized portion and a state-specific portion. For me, PA and VA, there was one day of the multi-state (the standardized portion) and one day of state specific testing.

        • Anonymous

          For context, OK does not fall into the “very difficult exam to pass” category.

        • kitten

          I think that’s one of the easier ones actually. It’s possible learning does not come easy to her, or maybe she’s coming out of a law school that has low bar passage rates and is worried. There are tons of for-profit law schools and literally anyone find one to accept them, so there are lower-ranked programs that will have like a 45% passage rate.

          • Anonymous

            + 1. We don’t know the bar pass rate for her school and we don’t know how she is doing personally on the practice tests. If she thinks she needs immersion to pass, we should give her room to immerse. She will come up for air when she is prepared. For me, that was several days before the exam, when I was certain nothing else would stick in my brain.

    • Anon

      Sounds to me like there are bigger issues going on and this is her excuse for why she moved out.

      • Anon

        +1

        My first thought was that this is not about the bar exam.

        (FWIW, while I was studying for the bar, I put notes in ziplock bags and taped them to the walls of my shower so I could memorize them while showering. I was also not my best self then and was not really there for a friend going through a rough breakup — I just didn’t have the mental bandwidth at the time and I feel bad about it.)

    • CountC

      I do not know anyone from my graduating class who turned this far away from their families to study for the bar. I went to a law school with an evening division, so we had a decent sized group of people in my graudating class who had full-time jobs and went to school at night. I cannot think of one person who stayed in a hotel during the summer leading up to the bar to study “without distraction.” Yes, it’s important to study and yes, it’s helpful to have a quiet place and time to study. And yes, some people were more stressed and intense about it than others, but the behavior you are describing seems very unhealthy to me. I would NOT be a happy camper if my spouse was behaving in this way.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agreed. I had a two-year-old when I took the bar and I moved into a hotel for three DAYS before the exam and felt like that was a huge deal.

        Agree with the suggestion that there is way more going on here than just the bar exam. Also agree that if the cousin were female, all the extended family wouldn’t be knocking themselves out to help like you are. And finally, agree heartily that you should stay out of it.

        • Bar exam question

          Why would you say that no one would help? I appreciate all your other advice and what you said about your exam but it is not the case at all that my family would only help male family members out.

          • Senior Attorney

            I’m sure people would help but I doubt the urgency would be as great (hence my comment about “knocking themselves out”) if the studying spouse were the dad and the caretaking spouse were the mom.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            I see this dynamic pretty frequently with friends and extended family who have kids. Dad has a business trip? Mom will be fine! Good luck mom! Mom has a trip? Poor dad! MIL better head over and watch the kids and cook dinner!

    • Anonymous

      This is a function of the student’s personality. She doesn’t need to study this much but clearly has a lot of anxiety around the exam, whether warranted because she is on the edge of being someone who might fail or unwarranted because she has either overblown it in her mind or taken too seriously the study schedule she was given from the prep class that no one actually follows completely. This is too much but it will pass. How has she been under other stressful situations? That would be my concern.

      • Anonsmouse

        Agree w this and other commenters essentially saying what is “normal” is highly dependent on so many things, largely what kind of student and personal circumstances. I took 2 bar exams, PA & NJ, and didn’t start studying seriously for more than a couple hours a day until after July 4th but I’m a notorious procrastinator and did very poorly (but passed so who cares??). Most of all- echoing has she been in other stressful situations?? Because the pressure and stress of actual lawyering has often been way greater than the bar exam so I don’t see this as a very positive indicator of their future. So, I’d also echo the advice of not getting involved… and getting used to that too

    • Anon

      Whether it’s all-consuming depends on the person. I agree with the advice to stay out of it and agree with the note that society seems way more ok with a dad being too busy to parent/do household stuff than a mom being too busy.

      I went to a highly ranked law school where almost everyone passes the bar on the first try (even in my state, which has a low pass rate). Most of us were pretty good at taking tests. I treated studying for the bar as a full-time, 9-5-type job and I passed on the first try. I started studying about a week after graduation.

      If I went to a school where more of my peers did not pass on the first try, I think I would have been more inclined to treat the test as this all-consuming thing. Personally, barely parenting for months at a time doesn’t work for me, but my career would have benefited if it did.

    • Anon

      Let me offer a dissenting experience caveated with the fact that I was single and had very limited family obligations. Studying for the bar was all consuming. I studied 8-10 hours a day from the day after graduation until the exam. I’d planned to live with my parents, but ultimately moved back to my campus apartment because they were too distracting. I made it a point to workout from 2-3 in the afternoon and socialized on Saturdays, but otherwise I was studying. Was it overkill? Absolutely! Is there anything anyone could have told me to make me realize that at the time? No. I’d given up a successful career to pursue law, taken out six figures in student loans, dragged myself through law school without much support, and had a job lined up that required passing the bar. In my mind, failing simply wasn’t an option. I was my absolute worst self during bar prep. The most supportive people were those who were understanding of the space I (thought) I needed and there for me when I came up for air. I hope that if I had had a spouse and child I would have behaved differently, but given the (admittedly self-imposed) stress I was under, I’m honestly not sure.

      • Anonymous

        This sounds like my schedule as well. The pressure of getting to the finish line here is substantial. You don’t want to have wasted the time and money for school.

    • Emma

      The bar exam is hard. I wrote two (one at home in Canada + the NY bar as a foreign lawyer) and studied hard and was stressed and maybe a little short both times. But I still ate, slept, worked out a bit. went for the occasional walk. Also, I am not a mom and don’t want to judge, but the thought of not seeing my kid (and spouse) until the end of July seems very sad. I would support your cousin as best you can, but it does sound as though there is something else going on.

    • Nora

      This seems like more of a sign of her level of stress around the bar than how much time bar studying takes. Yes things like taking the bar are stressful but people study intensely for them without moving into a hotel for 2 months. I do agree that her spouse would probably have to be a full-time parent even if she was studying at home.

    • Cat

      Studying in earnest for two months before the bar? Normal. The bar classes that you take usually start around now and run up until the end. My peers and I basically treated it as a full time job, watching the bar class lectures in the morning, break for lunch, then study until dinner time. Some people studied more at night but I wasn’t one of them.

      Moving into a hotel and going limited-contact with relatives for over two months? Totally bonkers.

    • Anon

      When my son was in kindergarten the moms of one of his classmates went on a business trip and never came back home. She apparently kept saying “I have to stay just a little while longer, just a little while longer” and then about three months in called her husband and said “I’m sending packers and movers to the house to pick up my clothes, and my lawyer will get you the divorce papers.” Our understanding is that she never asked for custody of the kids and only engaged in very limited visitation with them.

      It’s a societal trope that moms don’t leave kids, but some do. I don’t think this is about the bar exam, any more than it was about a business trip for the person I’m speaking about. However, I agree that you should stay out of it unless there’s a specific request for help.

    • Anon

      I don’t know what her home life is like (how bad the “nonsense” is), but I’ll say that when I was studying for the bar, my anxiety and depression were undiagnosed, and I was an absolute disaster. Heck yes I was snapping/yelling at people, crying at the drop of a hat, freaking out, and otherwise being the worst version of myself imaginable. I was ok in May/early June, but by late June/July 4th, I was unrecognizable. The pressure to pass the test – in a state I had just moved to and therefore hadn’t had the benefit of learning local laws in class – and when I, like every other person who goes to law school, had hardly ever gotten anything lower than a B in school – was immense. I was married, but my husband was elsewhere for work that summer, so I was alone – had he been home, I’m quite sure I would have yelled at him regularly.

      I’d give her grace and stay out of it. You’re not in her shoes, so you don’t know how you’d react. Send dinner over to the dad a couple times, and honestly, do the same for your CIL if she’s your friend.

    • Anon

      Her behavior is abnormal. I had two kids in law school. I was the primary parent during law school and while studying for the bar exam. My spouse worked two jobs to support us (weekdays and weekends). I would drop both kids at daycare, study all day, then handle dinner and bedtime after pickup. One day during the work week, I studied for half a day so I could run errands. I rarely studied on weekends because I had limited childcare options. I passed. I made other sacrifices, but not seeing my family was not an option.

    • Anon

      Yes, there is nothing more stressful than the bar exam. He needs to give her grace and space. It will be over soon enough.

      • Anon

        There are a million things that can and do happen in life that are more stressful than the bar exam. Grace and space does not include going practically no contact with your husband and toddler child for over two months. This does not sound like a person who is in touch with reality, IMO.

    • Liverpool

      Just let her be and help your cousin. There could be a lot of factors at play, but no one knows what happens inside the four walls of a home except its inhabitants.

  2. Anon

    I need some advice. A former boss of mine reached out to share his faith with me in a long email. He said something like he thought last time we met up (right before the pandemic), I had expressed some interest in hearing more. This is not the case. Over the years, we have occasionally emailed or met up for lunch, but that’s the extent of our contact. His family went through a really traumatic experience a few years ago, and I know he became very religious subsequently. He’s a very nice man, but I have zero interest in discussing faith with him. In fact, I’m sure he would be pretty appalled at my views. How can I politely respond to him? I really don’t want to be rude or dismissive of his beliefs, but it’s just not something I believe or am interested in hearing more about.

    • Anon

      “Thank you, but I’m happy with my beliefs and with my faith community.” Vague enough that a zealot can interpret it in a way that gets them off your back, but could mean literally anything.

      • Elle

        I’ve used something similar before ‘I love my church and I’m glad that you’ve found something a church makes you feel connected to God’. That’s honestly been the end of it for me every time. They’re so wrapped up in converting people that “aren’t believers” that they generally aren’t going to take the time to try to bring you into their denomination.

        I happen to be a practicing Christian but it’s worked so well that I’ve definitely shared it with my non religious friends too.

        My bishop has joked that the church should put all new converts in a holding chamber for like two years until they chill out because they’re so excited that it can be off putting. I’m sure given some time this person will come back to normal too.

        • Anon

          That is such a good point about new converts. My husband’s sibling was born again several years ago, and basically disowned my husband because he wouldn’t do the same. They didn’t want to associate with anyone who would be going to h3ll (this is among the *less* insulting things they said.) They’ve since calmed down, but repairing the relationship took longer. And I wouldn’t consider it fully repaired now.

      • Senior Attorney

        I can see how this is tempting but if it’s not true, it bothers me for the same reason I don’t like the idea of telling the creepy guy in the bar that you’re engaged. In both cases, people should leave you alone because you asked them to, not because you’re already spoken for.

        • Anon

          But it can be true due to the wording, that’s my point. I’m a pagan atheist and it’s true for me.

    • Anon

      “I appreciate the offer but I am not interested in discussing religion or faith. If you ever want to talk about professional opportunities however, let me know!”

      • Anonymous

        This is what I’d say too (because I don’t like lying) but I feel like it could backfire tremendously if the ex boss really thinks atheism/agnosticism are bad.

        • Anon

          She’s not saying she’s atheist/agnostic, just saying she doesn’t want to talk about religion or faith.

    • Senior Attorney

      “Always nice to hear from you but I’m not interested in a religious discussion. Happy you’ve found a great spiritual home, though!”

  3. Anon

    I ended up getting unexpectedly slammed at work today and couldn’t engage much, but I just wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful comments on my screen time/vacation thread this morning. I actually feel really good about the suggestion to just go do our own thing and meet up with everyone later – I had shied away from that in the past because it felt like we should do everything “together,” but I think it will solve most of the tension and keep everyone happy to not put that pressure on the group. My son is excited to try water-skiing with Grandpa and that’s much more fun first thing in the morning when it’s glassy, so I think we will make that our “get out the door” activity and invite my brother’s family to join us if they can (otherwise, catch up later or at dinner and just avoid any screen time conflicts). Thanks again!

    • anon

      I read that thread with interest (we’re traveling with another family later this summer) and thought you got a lot of good advice, too. I’d have a hard time stomaching the parents’ choices, too, but whatevs. It’s their kid who gets to miss out on the fun, not yours.

    • Quail

      Thank you for posting – just read the morning thread. I have not had this exact experience with my kids but have had similar experiences and could definitely see this in the future (my kids live far away from their cousins and are just now starting to get to the point where they could play together but only see each other rarely, especially in covid times). I have had this experience vacationing pre-kids with friends and I echo the advice to set expectations aside, and just do what you are going to do after inviting others to participate. You can’t expect do everything together with people who have different habits without resentment forming.

      • Anonymous

        Also followed the thread with interest. I grew up seeing my cousins twice a year, once at Christmas and once over the summer (for two weeks each time), and my two best friends today are two of those cousins. It helped SO MUCH to get us outdoors to play games and try things together. We did have some screen time, but it was pre-iPhone days so it was always more social stuff like Nintendo 64 as a group or watching a Disney or Christmas movie together. I think being thoughtful about screen time is key – watching a family movie with cousins is a very different proposition from one kid vegging out solo with YouTube or having a tantrum about it while everyone else is waiting to go to the lake. Actually, for the summer visits, we basically didn’t have any screen time until the evening (AFTER the outside time) and I think that worked well. We’d be on the water at the beach or lake all day or on a big hike, but then the kids could play a video game together while the adults made dinner. I think it worked really well.

        • Emma

          That thread made me smile because one of my most cherished memories is my cousin teaching me to play SEGA (those were the days!) because my parents were very strict on screen time and we didn’t have anything like that at home. But I also cherish memories of playing outside and that particular cousin was also a little too into screen time back then – I would get bored and suggest we go play on the swings or whatever. We have a fine relationship today but aren’t especially close.

        • Quail

          Yes, I totally agree. That was my experience as a kid, too – once I was doing something new and fun outside with new kids, like cousins I didn’t see often, it was easier to hang out than just sitting around inside. But I think screen time with kids today is different because of the personal devices, even at 7 or 8. In my opinion, the cousin with the ipad is being pretty rude to everyone (really, it’s the parents being rude) and that would be true if he was reading a book too. But you can’t tell others how to parent, even if it hurts your kid’s feelings. So I think the morning thread was right to set expectations low (both for adult and kid) and to entice the kid to participate and hopefully make connections that way.

          And I fully admit to blowing my parents’ strict screen time limits at friends’ houses and with cousins. But I eventually got bored and I was and still am really bad at video games.

    • Anonymous

      “I had shied away from that in the past because it felt like we should do everything “together,” ”

      You might enjoy Captainawkward’s Geek Social Fallacies theory. It’s a great reminder list also for non-Geeks. :)
      One of the great rules, is that everybody does NOT have to be invited to or be a part of everything a group might do. It’s okay to do things with a small selection of people from a group.

    • Anon

      I just caught up with that thread. I have an 18 year old son who is a gamer. He’s entering college as a computer science major in the fall. He’s an introvert and a proud nerd.

      He did a lot of screen time as a kid and so far he has turned out fine. We had some therapy for him when he was younger because he sometimes had a breakdown when he lost screen time (in our case, screen time was earned by doing your responsibilities first.) The therapist, who specialized in these issues, recommended finding another way to reward him which did not involve taking away screen time. His point was, kids don’t just hang outside anymore with other kids on the block. Sometimes playing minecraft with your friend group is your social world. You don’t tell your kid “you can’t have friends anymore” if they disappoint you in some way, and taking away screen time can be like that for gamers.

      My son went on a number of family trips and didn’t particularly want to engage with his cousins on everything. They enjoyed legos together, but he wasn’t a marco polo in the pool guy, and he still isn’t. Some kids just aren’t, no matter how much you want these cousins to be friends.

      We need to let our kids take the lead on who they are and who they will become.

  4. Anonymous

    While we are talking group vacations, tips for 12 adults on a boat for a week? I know a third of the group.

    • AnonATL

      This sounds like my worst nightmare. No real personal space away from mostly strangers. A boat sounds lovely though. I keep seeing sailing trips on a private boat in Greece for up to 8 adults. Sounds wonderful if it’s with people I like.
      If you can pack funny card games or the heads up game you can use on a phone.

      • Anon

        Wow, I hope you are close to these people. One of my friends – who can be really clueless, thank goodness for his wife who has social skills! – thought it would be a great idea to pressure my husband and I to be the 4th couple on a 4-couple private boat trip for two weeks. We only knew my friend and his wife. They had all gone to school together. He was really pushing it when his wife finally found out and said, David, OF COURSE they don’t want to be cooped up in a tiny space with two other couples they’ve never met. What are you thinking?

        But I think David just wanted to save money and not have to eat the cost of the 4th room, because their other friend couple couldn’t go.

        So if you are stuck going I’m really sorry. I don’t have great advice except to try to get to know the other people at some kind of gathering before you go, if at all possible, ideally before you commit.

    • Emma

      what kind of boat? Unless it’s a giant luxury yacht or a cruise ship, assume you will have very little privacy.

    • Cat

      air neutralizer. 12 people sharing tiny boat bathrooms while eating and drinking their faces off for a week on vacation? Not pretty

    • Rox

      It will be amazing! You’ll likely have your own cabin and bathroom so privacy isn’t a big concern. If you need alone time just staying reading in your cabin or take your coffee at the front of the boat while everyone else has breakfast at the back of the boat. Or feel free to say no to a group excursion and stay on the boat by yourself. But there is a chance the couples you don’t know will be fun and adventurous people! (They are willing to spend a week on a boat.) Pack light and in collapsible duffel bags, no hard sided luggage. Take half the clothes you think you need and more cash than you think you need. A boat vacation is just like any group vacation and you’ll have a blast!!

  5. JS

    Recommendations for things to keep in a guest room? Hosting guests for the first time actually having one!

    • Anonymous

      Ah this was a comment thread a few years back and my main takeaway was – hair dryer! And a halfway decent one too esp if guests are family or close friends, doesn’t have to be the fancy dyson one but not a cheap $10 conair one either.

    • Senior Attorney

      A little note or sign with wi-fi info.
      Good reading light by the bed.
      A convenient place to put their suitcase.
      Plenty of blankets in case they run cold.

      • Vicky Austin

        Seconding blankets. I am one of those people who cannot sleep if I am even a little bit cold and I’m always relieved when hosts have extra blankets for me, just in case!

      • AnonATL

        I try to provide a variety of pillows too. On our queen size guest bed, I usually do fleece blanket, comforter, 2 foam pillows, 2 traditional pillows. And I keep an extra blanket or pillows in the guest closet with spare towels.
        My MIL is not a dog person, so she also likes a chair to put her suitcase on instead of the floor (even though I sweep and mop right before they arrive).

    • Cornellian

      I try to have an extra toothbrush and basic toiletries, extra chargers or blocks, wifi password/other relevant tech information, maybe a glass and pitcher of water. When I lived in manhattan i kept ear plugs even for my couch visitors because it’s louder than most places people are visiting from.

    • Anonymous

      I’m recently put together my guest room and here are the ‘special’ features I made sure to include
      – night stands with lamps (place to put water/book and they don’t have to try and find the bed in the dark)
      – desk/vanity with mirror and chair (gives guests a place to work or put on make up in private)
      – Chromecast & tv (gives guests entertainment so they don’t always have to be in common areas)
      – basket of goods which contains wifi password, wash cloths & towels, a glass (for tap water), and extra blankets

    • Anonymous

      Towels readily available – also hand towels, preferably different to yours, extra toiletries (toothpaste is one thing that people in a couple forget to bring), wifi, radio, instructions for the coffee maker (if they are morning people and you not). Some snacks (in plastic) or fruit.

      Do not put flowers, smelly candles or anything that might trigger an allergy attack (for a lot of people). It’s always better if bedding etc. is non-perfumey.

    • Anon

      All those sample size lotions and sunscreens and cleansers you’re never going to use in a basket by the sink, so it’s clear they’re up for grabs. Tampons, pads, and liners somewhere accessible. Extra TP in an obvious place so they don’t have to ask you. Same with a good plunger.

      Depending on how long they’re staying, at least for a couple of nights say you need to turn in early to give them time to themselves. I find hosts (like me) knock themselves out trying to spend 24/7with their guests when everyone really just needs a break from talking and catching up.

  6. Mal

    Do you think a braid can be a professional hairstyle? When and when not? I feel OK with a single neat French braid at my business casual office, but would be curious to hear others’ thoughts.

    • Cornellian

      I would absolutely think so. I think some of the trendier braids might skew a bit young, but a simple french or dutch braid seems timeless to me. I was in NYC BigLaw for 7 years, now in government.

    • Anonymous

      Yes definitely. I Routinely wear French braids and also many non-white women wear braids as an integral hair style, and that is professional.

    • Anonymous

      100%. This isn’t even a question if your office is business-casual. I think we spend a lot of time worrying about whether things are professional that other people literally won’t even notice.

    • Anonymous

      For context I’m in government. Lots of my colleagues wear braids it’s totally normal and professional. I think where it gets iffy is the accessories any clips, elastics etc should be neutral. I have given a side eye or two for a bedazzled scrunchie.

    • Mal

      Appreciate the responses so far – looking at it again, I think my bias is that I look young, and connect braids to “youth,” so sometimes feel like this is the less professional choice for myself as I don’t want to look more babyfaced than I already am. But I don’t think that’s the reality – I don’t feel that way with other women’s braids!

    • Anon

      I think a braid or braids (for black hair) or even tasteful other tiny braids are OK. I do not thing that two braids, Pippi Longstocking/farmer’s daughter style is professional, in the same way that generally, pigtails are not professional–they are children’s styles. At work, you do not want to be seen as juvenile. But neat braid(s) otherwise are 100% professional. Of course, don’t wear braids while wearing a hair tie around your wrist or carrying the wrong water bottle, as that could be seen as unprofessional.

    • daily braid

      I don’t cut my hair for religious reasons, so a braid is actually my default. The caveat is that my hair is very long… I’m talking down to my bottom, so I think it’s easy for a colleague to conclude this is the easiest way to keep it neat & tidy if they even give my hair a second thought. A braid is not the most common hairstyle I’ve seen, but it’s never occurred to me that it’s unprofessional.
      Outside of the office, I like to accessorize with a cute headband or non-black bobby pins. Additions like that or a loose braid style that gets messy quickly with hair falling out of the braid are what would make it unprofessional IMO. It’s like a bun – there are professional versions and unprofessional versions.

      • Anonymous

        Curious which religion you belong to and the reason for not cutting your hair. Genuine question — I have never heard this before. I know I could google, but more interested in hearing from a real person.

        • daily braid

          Hi!
          I’m a Sikh. Our first Guru & founder was born in 1469 in what is now Pakistan, but the majority of the world’s Sikhs live in Punjab, India (with the diaspora largely in the UK, US, Canada, and Australia). Cutting our hair is one of our 4 major forbidden acts as defined in our code of conduct and the hair itself (called kes, pronounced case) is one of our 5 articles of faith required for a Sikh. From a spiritual perspective, there are multiple schools of thought on exactly why our Guru’s mandated uncut hair ranging from believing hair is a natural gift from God to seeing it as part of our uniform as soldier/saints (standing up for the oppressed & against tyranny as a soldier and connecting with the Divine and seeing Divine light in every fellow human as a saint). A more likely visual of a Sikh you may have seen is someone with a turban. Under the turban, the hair is uncut, and our turban signifies our crown and represents our sovereignty over ourselves as individuals.
          (this is a thread about braids, so you’ve probably deduced I am a Sikh who does not wear a turban. Both men & women wear the turban, and I hope to have the inner strength for that one day as well.)
          I rambled a bit beyond the hair there, but I hope this is a helpful response. If you want to learn more about our beliefs, the Sikh Coalition’s “About Sikhs” webpage is a good place to start.

        • Anonymous

          You could try googling the Sihk faith, for example. I’m not the poster you’re responding to, but that would be one well-known religions where not cutting hair is very relevant.

    • Anon

      Yes, as a poster said above, some women don’t cut their hair for religious reasons. I used to work with an Indian women who didn’t. I would never consider her unprofessional for it – in fact, she was awesome at what she did and was professional AF.

  7. Anonymous also

    Bar exam study question…Never underestimate the stress levels for many (most?) people studying for the bar. Everyone is different, so it varies, as do the reasons. DON’T JUDGE! Bug out of others’ business – it’s not your problem or your future on the line. Be kind to both your cousin & his wife. Who knows what you don’t know? Besides, I (& likely many others) know of two classmates who were in the top 10 (people, not percent) of our graduating class who failed, & a few who barely studied who passed with high marks. I was single, divorced, mother of three basically out of the nest but still “there”, working days at a law firm, had elderly failing parents & other significant family distractions. Took a 3 week leave starting July 4th weekend for an end of July exam. (My boss wanted to keep me so let me go even though thinking I was nuts – but he didn’t have to take a multi-state as I did & the state part of the exam in his day was just short of a joke, all of which he later admitted. ) I saw & spoke with no one – no phone calls, no social breaks, ate only veggies & frozen no-fat yogurt, studied on a strict schedule, with brief a.m. & p.m. breaks for a swim in residential community pool. Put ridiculous post-its on mirrors of those I thought were “not very smart” or unlikeable who passed – an”if they can do it, I can do it” sort of of sick self-help message. Asked family cover my family roles – e.g., older children wanting me to pass & staying over with their dad were no a problem, siblings took on parents (for a change). All this accompanied requests to allow me the chance to PASS the two day exam on a first “go” as it wasn’t something for which I could take time or devote $$ or energy for a “do over”. And I made it – & yes, I’m sure I over studied, but so what? Not something I wanted to chance. It was worth it. Changed my life. But I’m thankful no one had to live with or watch me suffer while doing so – or suffer the brunt of same – or to second guess or comment on my motives for “do or die” self-isolation, both during law school and bar prep.

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