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Coffee Break: Erica Pump

Elie Tahari - Erica Pump (Black 1) - Footwear Love these pumps from Elie Tahari, available in snake-print black, suede, and “driftwood,” a snakey brown. Love the knotted/cut-out detail, as well as the classic look to the toe and heel. Lovely! The two black colors are on sale — were $328, now $238-$262. Elie Tahari – Erica Pump (Black 1) – Footwear (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

80 Comments

    1. Me, too. I’m happy to see that not every shoe has the witchy, pointy toe anymore. I just couldn’t ever make myself like shoes with the ultra-pointy toes that were in a few years ago. The shoes above have a much softer toe; I like that.

      I do understand why some posters below aren’t feeling the cut-outs. I think you would have to be careful what outfit they were paired with. They could go a little “old lady,” but with the right outfit and other styling details I think they would be very cute in a slightly less-formal office.

    1. The driftwood is nice, imo, because many reptile prints get too va-va-voomish too quickly, and the lower heal, more sedate toe box and cut outs take it away from tramp.

  3. The grinch who stole Christmas: Whole lotta cash… I’ll take my chances at 6pm.com…

    1. 6pm.com is the greatest thing that ever happened to a bargain-hunting shoe-lover!

    2. I love 6pm. I had been stalking a BCBG dress and finally found it on 6pm for a quarter of the price.

      1. Yes!! The deals over there are “knock your socks off.” And not just Nine West, either — Cole Haan, Stuart Weitzman, Tsubo, Sofft, etc. I also discovered an Italian shoe maker called Lumiani there. Pure awesomeness: leather insole, soles, buttery soft. I don’t bother with DSW or other online/brick & morter shoe stores anymore.

  4. Threadjack!

    Excuse my rudeness…

    I’ve been told to prepare a presentation for visiting students, talking about how great my industry is, and discussing my personal career path and experiences in the field.

    I HAAATE my industry and am actively looking to switch fields. Plus I’m very private and don’t like talking about myself. Plus-plus, I don’t like children and have very little patience for them.

    I’ve tried to delegate this to someone (anyone) else, but no luck.

    How should I deal with this project?

    Thank you kindly in advance…

    1. OK, just got old by an unemployed friend to, “Suck it up, Princess, at least you have a job… ”

      Noted. Will carry on.

    2. Feel ya. I’m asked to do the same thing at my kids schools in 2 weeks, and while I love my kids, I don’t really like (very much at all) large groups of them that I don’t know. And I really don’t like my industry or job (law/partner biglaw, now midlaw) and I would advise anyone who would listen to stay the h*ll away. I also feel the other comment of ‘suck it up princess, you have a job.’ In other words, if this is part of your job, as opposed to sort of optional (I can always send a check to the pta to buy off the guilt of not doing the school presentation and I probably will as I always have), then just do it – it won’t last forever, you don’t have to talk about yourself specifically – just the industry/job generally, and the kids likely will be well behaved and some possibly even mildly interested/interesting….think of it as paid community service.

    3. It’s not like you have to give an in-depth presentation. I’m assuming these are high schoolers? They’re going to be bored anyway. Just give a basic outline of what your industry does, starting from the assumption that they know nothing about the field. Talk for five minutes about that. Then talk for a couple minutes about your company in particular, giving them the party line about how great the place is and what your companies values are. Give them a brief outline of how one gets a job at your company – not your entire biography, but the basics of college, internships, grad school, etc. Then tell them one thing you love about your field (just make it up if you really hate it), and one thing you find challenging (don’t be too honest here). Then take questions.

      This isn’t that hard. Don’t make it into a bigger project than it is.

    1. No firsthand experience but it sounds very sheer and is quite long, so depends on your intended use

  8. Hi Ladies, I’m anonymous for this one today. I’m sorry for interrupting the thread, but I really need your help.

    I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now, and much of that time has been great. He is very attentive and thoughtful. However, he does have a mental illness (although he is incredibly functional which I attribute to him being a near genius) and there was a time in our relationship when we were fighting constantly. Before I knew about his illness, I had come to the determination that he was being abusive and decided to end the relationship.

    Since he confided in me, our relationship has greatly improved. However, he has this awful streak in him that I do not handle well. The other day, for instance, he got angry because my brother (a computer guru) did not offer to help him when his computer had problems. In the past my brother has stayed up into the wee hours of the morning fixing my boyfriend’s computer. This time, I asked my brother if he would help (which he happily said yes to) but the computer was beyond repair. He has been in communication with my boyfriend about the status and my boyfriend asked him to call after his classes ended one night so that he could go look for a new computer that evening. My brother agreed to this but didn’t call. I ended up calling my brother while we were shopping (without knowing all the details of what happened between them) because I knew he could help, but my boyfriend made it clear to me that he did not wish to speak with him. Later that evening, my boyfriend kept going on about how wronged he felt, how he does so much for my brother and my family and me, and how he feels like my brother should have taken it upon himself to offer. I, taking cues from previous fights, said I didn’t know why my brother hadn’t called, he should have, and I was sorry that my boyfriend was so frustrated, but I also know that my bf needs help and that maybe he should talk to him anyway because being stubborn will only harm him in the end. After that conversation, I made a quick call to my brother (my bf had left for a moment) to tell him that my boyfriend may call him later and to make sure to please help him out.

    At the end of the evening, my boyfriend and I talked about this more and he got upset with me, said I always side with my brother and everyone else, and said that this (my actions) are the reasons his small issues with people turn into hate. He said I went behind his back calling my brother and that I was working in my brother’s interests instead of his (which I disagree with — I had made a decision to ask my brother why he didn’t seem interested in helping as soon as I had the chance).

    I am very close with my family and always resent my boyfriend for saying things like this because I feel it is divisive. I want everyone to be happy together and maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think my boyfriend is exhibiting normal behavior. My boyfriend says that everyone chooses (or should choose) their boyfriend/spouse/s.o. over others, but I never do. I thought that I WAS choosing my boyfriend by saying that my brother should have called.. but I was also trying to work in his best interest by encouraging him to not take it personally. I KNOW my brother loves my boyfriend and feel awful that I am in the middle. I feel like I can’t win and I spent the night crying myself to sleep after he started yelling at me about the way I handle situations and what I do to make him act like this.

    Tell me HONESTLY, please, did I do something wrong? Or is this relationship beyond hope and I’ve been stupid for staying so long?

    1. You did not do anything wrong, but you need to consider what you want in a relationship for the long-term. I have a close friend married to a man with mental illness and even with treatment and marital counseling, he still tends to blow small arguments with her way out of proportion. However, he is not controlling as your boyfriend seems like he might be.

      If your boyfriend is complaining now that you don’t take his side, is it realistic to think that he’ll improve if you get married? It seems like he might be a bit too possessive, and I don’t think that’s healthy in any relationship. You aren’t going to be able to avoid every future conflict, no matter how hard you try.

      1. My brother is mentally ill, a genius, and he was married for a period of time. Part of the reason the marriage ended is that his wife wanted him to be normal, go to school, and get a job. He did cook, clean, etc. for her but he is never going to be able to hold a full time job.

        Does your boyfriend take meds and is he in therapy? Does he accept his illness? This is what you need to think about if you are going to continue your relationship with him.

        1. Completely agree. I hope your boyfriend is doing everything he can to get better. This fight in isolation could happen to many people on a stressful day: everyone gets a bit worked up sometimes. But since this is more of a pattern for your boyfriend, it’s definitely concerning. The question is whether perhaps after taking some time to cool off your boyfriend could acknowledge that he overreacted.

          Another thing that I thought reading your post was that it sounds like you’re walking on eggshells to not have your boyfriend blow up at you. It sounds like before you knew about his mental illness you fought a lot and now you don’t fight as much because you have figured out a way to avoid it. That’s stressful and over time, takes a big toll. If you can’t be yourself around your partner and you have to hold back to protect him (or yourself from a lot of emotional stress) that’s very concerning.

        2. This. I was very nearly engaged to a wonderful man with bipolar disorder. On his meds, he was absolutely incredible in every way. But because he would feel “normal” and “well” on his meds, eventually he would unilaterally (i.e. without professional input) decrease the dosage or stop taking them. Without his proper med dosage, he was frighteningly paranoid, verbally abusive, and manic to the point of being neglectful. I broke up with him. It was very, very difficult – but I knew there were other wonderful men out there who wouldn’t require constant monitoring (by me and professionals) to make sure he stayed on his meds. I wasn’t married to him *yet* so I made the decision not to sign up for a lifetime of the stress of mental illness – there’s enough stress in the world. (4 years later I married an even more incredible man without mental illness issues.) I felt selfish and like I was abandoning him – but as I’ve watched his life deteriorate since that time (through his Facebook posts) I stand by my decision.

          Another concern arises if you plan on having children. When I was dating this man, a very close family friend whose husband was bipolar and whose daughter was severely autistic and schizophrenic (I am not throwing these labels around lightly – they were all professionally diagnosed based on clear symptoms) confessed to me that if she had had it to do all over again – over 60 years ago – she would not have married her husband because her daughter was so clearly an unhappy person and she wished she had not brought her into the world. Mental illness is often hereditary; think about the ramifications of that on your own family plans.

          Good luck. This isn’t easy. But I recommend that you move along.

    2. Honestly? This relationship is beyond hope. The fact that your boyfriend has a mental illness is not the issue: the fact that that illness prevents him from interacting with people (including you) in a reasonable, non-abusive way IS the issue. Because you hit the nail on the head earlier: you felt the relationship had become abusive, but when you found out your boyfriend had a mental illness, you understood. But that doesn’t change the fact that the relationship IS abusive! There may be a reason/excuse/explanation for why he behaves that way, but that doesn’t change the fact that he behaves that way. Being angry that you’re “taking sides,” saying that you need to “choose him over your family,” being unreasonably angry because your brother doesn’t place himself at his beck and call to help him out with a problem that an adult would hire someone for, saying that this is why he “hates” people? All classic signs of emotional abuse and an unhealthy attitude towards other people.

      People do not fight this much (enough to be able to “take cues from previous fights”) in normal, healthy relationships. I’m very, very sorry for what you’re going through: I’m sure you love your boyfriend very much. But he isn’t capable of bieng in a normal, healthy, relationship, and I don’t see that changing; I just see you making excuses for him. I doubt that’s how you want to live the rest of your life, trying to smooth the path with your brother, and trying to justify your actions to everyone.

      And I think you know all of this already, or you wouldn’t have asked the question.

      Best of luck.

      1. THIS! It doesn’t matter why he’s being abusive, he IS being abusive and controlling. His mental illness is not your problem – it’s his problem. If it causes him to lash out at you and make you miserable, then he loses you. You absolutely do not need that (or him!) in your life. DTMFA.

        Now… this is easier said than done, obviously, because we are not in love with him, and you are. My only advice on that is to not focus on how much short-term pain it would cause to get out of the relationship. Instead, think about whether or not this dynamic is what you want 5 years from now. If not, you are so, so much better off moving on without him.

      2. Agreed. Any guy who has you asking for help on a website? I’m really sorry. Not The One.

    3. “I feel like I can’t win and I spent the night crying myself to sleep after he started yelling at me about the way I handle situations and what I do to make him act like this.”

      And I didn’t even read this line before. Really? I mean, REALLY? YOU are making him act like an ass to you? DTMFA.

      1. I missed this line too, wow. Yeah this is not normal behavior at all. I’m so sorry this is happening to you but no matter what the reason (his mental illness perhaps), your boyfriend IS being abusive.

      2. ADS – I’ve spent five minutes trying to figure out what DTMFA stands for, and all I can come up with is “Dump The M****rF*****g A**hole.” Is that right?

    4. My former husband was mentally ill. It wasn’t the mental illness that broke our relationship, it was his refusal to deal with it. He had been told his whole life that his behavior issues weren’t his fault, and he got pass after pass for his outbursts. While I believe that a mental illness isn’t something an individual should be blamed for, I do firmly believe that adults have a responsibility to deal with a mental illness in a responsible way. It sounds like your BF is able to associate his outbursts with his mental illness. If that’s the case, then he should be held accountable for getting the treatment necessary to prevent the outbursts. If he expects you to be understanding about his mental illness, then you should expect him to deal with his mental illness responsibly. If he can’t or won’t seek therapy, on his own and, perhaps in a couple’s setting, then I think PPs’ advice about exiting this relationship is good advice. I’ve been there. It wasn’t just the specific mental-illness associated behavior that was abusive – it was his insistence that he couldn’t control it and that I deal with it at all costs. I wish you the best. You have to do what’s best for you if he won’t help himself with your support.

    5. Before I got married to my husband I spent years with my ex boyfriend, who also had a mental illness that he did not regularly treat. He was incredibly jealous, controlling, and would over-react about everything. I finally realized that although I loved him, I could not change him and that I did not have to live that way. I finally ended things with him and honestly felt like I was walking out of a haze that I had been in for years.

      After being married to my husband now for five years, I can count on one hand the number of real fights that we have had. BUT he has never yelled at me or called me names or made me feel bad about myself. I never feel worried about any decision I make, because I know he will be supportive no matter what. We certainly have arguments or disagreements, but we talk about things rationally and like adults. That is what was missing from my previous relationship. My husband is also quick to apologize and move on, unlike my ex who blamed everything on my, never took responsibility for anything, and held a grudge like no other.

      Anyways, to make a long story short, I was much happier after I left. Also, what does your family say about your boyfriend. I didn’t want to accept it at the time, but everyone in my family was so right about the way he treated me, etc. Sometimes they can see things we chose to ignore…

      1. What you went through sounds similar to what is happening to me now. Regarding what my family thinks — I kept the initial fighting from them for a long time. Eventually, though, they found out and wanted me to break up with him. It was devastating to them because they saw him as part of the family. It was also around that point that my bf told me about his illness. My family accepted things and everything has since returned to normal. They get along great — my boyfriend is very charming and personable, going out of his way to help everyone (they don’t know about our fights now really, just that things are better than they were, although I think my mom is still concerned from time to time). Everything else meshes perfectly except for this. When he feels slighted or issues come up where we disagree he just turns into this different person. It still is MUCH better now than it used to be, but still very far from what I hope for.

        1. I just said it below but I’ll repeat it here. Please seek a therapist to help you through this. Perhaps your boyfriend will see how therapy is helping and decide to do it himself, or perhaps you will get the strength needed to tell your family how your boyfriend is in private and to help you break up things with him. In either case, right now the way this dynamic has been set up, it sounds like he’s a controlling abuser who’s charmed your family but shames you/mistreats you in private. Please please seek some guidance from a professional so you can sort these feelings/issues.

        2. “When he feels slighted or issues come up where we disagree he just turns into this different person.”

          No, he doesn’t. That’s him. That’s the him you’re dating, and that’s the him you will marry if you don’t break up with him. Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that he’s himself when he’s acting nice and when he treats you like crap he’s a “different person.” That’s thinking that is letting you excuse his abusive behavior.

          My husband and I just celebrated our fourth anniversary last weekend. We were together for five years before that. In that time, we’ve probably disagreed at least once a day about something – which is normal, because we are different people, with different interests, who want different things for dinner and to spend different amounts of time with our parents and to go different places on vacation. You know what we don’t do? Fight about those disagreements. That’s not normal. If disagreements turn into abusive fights, then you know what you’re going to do? (And are doing already, by the sounds of your story?) You’re going to try to never disagree with him, so as to not start a fight. And you know what happens then? YOU turn into a “different person.” And I’m guessing that subsuming your entire life and all of your opinions and desires for an abusive boyfriend, so that he won’t yell at you about how you’re making him act when you disagree with him (no matter how nice and sweet he is when he’s not acting like an abusive ass), is not what you want for yourself in life. That’s what you’re going to get unless you leave.

          Don’t settle for “better than it used to be.” If it’s far from what you hope for, don’t stay. You’re not married yet – don’t wait until you are, or until there are kids, to decide that you deserve better.

        3. I think when you say “everything else meshes perfectly except for this” is important. Because “this” will not change. And if he does not treat his mental illness, “this” will consume your relationship. My ex was an otherwise great guy also. he had a great sense of humor, was fun, had lots of friends, and was generally caring and protective over me. And when things were good, they were really, really good. I have lots of great memories from my time with him. But when things were bad, they were really, really bad. It finally took a scary, violent incident for me to wake up and leave him. Hopefully it will never go that far for you. I realize now, after being with my husband for eight years, that things are just not supposed to be that way. My husband treats me better than what I could have ever hoped for, and we do not have the crazy ups and downs that I had with my ex. He is wonderfully stable (both mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, etc…). I am not constantly worried that he is going to blow up on me over something. In fact, I am never worried that he will ever blow up on me. I may do something that makes him mad, but he would never be mean to me about it. He will tell me how he feels and we will talk about it, or on the rare (only happened once) occasion when he was really mad, he went for a walk. We talked about it and he got over it right after that.

          What you are living through now is not normal, and probably will not get better, and likely will get worse. You deserve so much better. As other posters have said, the mental illness is nobodys fault, but the choice to not deal with it and treat it is his, and the choice whether to stay in that toxic environment is yours.

    6. sigh, anonymous PLEASE go see a counselor/therapist/social worker, etc. about this. They can help you understand what’s really on going on here.

  9. Oh no, I am sorry for you. Sounds like you tried to play peacemaker and got caught in the crossfire. In this case, it was just a small omission that led to all of this. Without prying, I also get the feeling that your bf feels you/your family “owe him” because he has done stuff for them/you – and that’s never a good foundation.

    Now, if this kind of situation repeats itself, I’d think long and hard about what it is you want from this relationship. That said, in every longterm relationship including marriage, fights are a way of life (I’ve been married for 12 yrs, fought plenty with the husband and had a few weepy days – but we’re happy & in love at the end of it all) and it doesn’t mean you throw it all up.

    But next time, why not stay out of the way and stop playing the go-between? If your bf’s pride gets in the way (or whatever), he’ll have only himself to blame, and cannot accuse you of anything. If the pattern STILL repeats, then you know it isn’t you.

    Sorry I can’t help more. Good luck.

    1. I would give the boyfriend one last opportunity to straighten out. Why do you need this abuse anyway? If he is not good to your family, what will this mean for the future. Assess what it is he does for you that you can’t get elsewhere? In this complicated world, who needs a headcase that can go off the deep end? I would not want to rely on any man, let alone one who sounds a little too quirky for me.

      1. I feel very sorry for you and although I don’t have great advice for you just wanted to send a hug your way! I don’t agree with the previous poster about giving him “one last” opportunity. To me those fights don’t sound so terrible that I would end an otherwise happy relationship just because of them.
        You mentioned your bf had a mental illness. Is this behavior symptomatic for that illness and might there be counselors around who can help him + people close to him deal with it? Just a thought…

      2. Mentally ill people are not “headcases.” Wow! I thought this was a site for educated professionals. Some women date men who are in wheelchairs. What do you call people who have to use wheelchairs?

        1. When someone treats you like crap and causes you grief (as was described in the letter) for no good reason, I think it’s fair to call them headcases. It’s not just that he has an illness.

          1. Educated, professional, classy women do not call the mentally ill headcases under any circumstance. We don’t call persons with mental retardation/intellectual disabilities “morons” and we don’t call people who are in wheelchairs “gimps” and we don’t call people with mental illness “headcases.” It is not fair, Lyssa, to call the man that anon loves a headcase. If you don’t know anything about mental illness, you’d be better off keeping your namecalling to yourself.

            What is fair is to understand her pain, and support her if she decides to let him go.

        2. And if a boy was in a wheelchair and being an abusive jerk to his girlfriend, she shouldn’t stay with him because he’s in a wheelchair.

        3. I can’t read her mind, but I’m hoping Linda said he was a headcase because of his abusive, controlling, unpredictable behavior – the cause of which is irrelevant.

          People who have to use wheelchairs and treat others with respect i call people. People who have to use wheelchairs (or crutches, or take meds, or attend support groups, or none of the above) who treat others like cr*p i call headcases.

  10. Thank you for all of your comments so far. They mean a lot.

    A few people have asked if my boyfriend has had therapy/is on medication. The answer is no. His family found out when he was young (from their family practice doc) but declined to have him go into therapy after the family doc made some comment undermining the effectiveness of psychiatrists/psychologists and mentioning that it could harm future career prospects. I was astonished when I heard that. He said he has been on meds before but they made him feel weird and he stopped taking them. When I found out, I strongly suggested he get help and I even offered to go with him, but he refused. He is in a pretty high-profile career and is paranoid that this would get out and cause him to lose favor with others. While I understand that thought, I can’t imagine giving up the possibility of getting “better” for what others might think. I’ve considered going to counseling myself because I feel I am not at all equipped to deal with this.

    1. Very sorry for your pain…. But if he is not getting treatment or seeking help, and feels that you “make” him treat you this way, this is an abusive situation and will cause you pain. I think lovingly supporting his efforts to get treatment are appropriate (and career concerns re stigma should be outweighed by his desire not to bring pain to his loved ones), and if he does not do so you should leave, or you will forever walk on eggshells and cry.

    2. I would absolutely recommend going to counseling yourself.

      No one, no one, gets to choose the chemical makeup they are born with, but we do get to choose how we play the cards we are dealt, whether and when to seek help, etc. etc. Having an illness (mental, physical) shouldn’t be cause for a stigma – the inability to face, and deal with, a problem, is a much greater issue.

      1. I agree. Taylor, I am not a doctor, but know enough to value my own safety. I once had a BF who got very mad at me and started throwing chairs around my apartment when he did not get his way. Once he left, I changed the locks and told him we were through. I did not know what kind of problem he had, but it was enough that I did not want it to be my problem. And that is AFTER we dated for 3 months and had sex, too. So it goes to show, you never know. But I choose not to stay with men who are not stable and nice to me.

      2. This. This. This. You are in a difficult situation. Go seek professional advice.

        As far as your boyfriend is concerned: dealing with a mental illness is hard. It can be tough to find a therapist and/or psychiatrist you click with and it can be tough to find the right medication/dosage, but refusing to try is unacceptable.

    3. No matter what you choose to do right now, I highly recommend you go and see a therapist for yourself. There is nothing wrong with seeking help to deal with something like this, whether you are ready to end it with him now or not. I wish you lots of luck, and many hugs.

    4. Some mental illnesses, including bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, run in my extended and immediate family. Psychiatry also runs in my family, as in, I have a number of relatives who are psychiatrists and pretty much everyone in my family has been in therapy at some point. Based on my own experiences, I would say that it is absolutely crucial that your boyfriend seek help, and that he probably needs medication. If he isn’t willing to do that much for you, then you shouldn’t trust him enough to build a future with him. And for those of the people in my family who don’t have mental health issues, life is very tough nonetheless, especially when our relatives are not in therapy/not on meds. Your boyfriend may make you somewhat unhappy some of the time now, and he might make your family unhappy. But if you eventually agree to have children, you need to consider (1) the likelihood that they will have mental issues, too (especially if he is by no means the only person who is unstable in his family) and (2) whether he will be able to build a stable home with you in which your children feel welcome. If, at the end of the day, you want children and you don’t think he will, at bottom, be a good co-parent, then in any case, you might as well end this relationship. Or at least articulate your concerns to him and see how he responds.

      (Apologies if this is too much about family/children, but it has been on my mind recently re: my SO, although for financial and religious reasons, not medical ones.)

      1. This. I have an aunt (only 7 years older than me) who has borderline personality disorder, and it makes many family gatherings incredibly painful and irritating. She won’t get help, and she assumes that her problems are everyone else’s fault. I have to deal with this woman because she is family. WHY deal with someone who (1) is not family and (2) who is putting you through this? Best of luck and lots of hugs.

    5. If he will not get help, then that tells me a lot. When my brother does not take his medication, he cannot come to my house and be around my son. I have to protect my child and myself over helping my brother. I love him and always will but I will not place myself in a position to be harmed by him if he is not actively participating is staying stable.

      1. No one can choose the chemical make-up of their children, either. Any one of us could have a child who grows up to suffer from severe mental illness. Seriously, this idea that you can avoid mental illness if you pick the right sperm donor is a little off bases.

        1. I was of the impression that most mental illnesses are 50% nature and 50% nurture (as are many things). So while perhaps not completely avoidable, the severity of the mental illness a child might be predisposed to can be lessened based upon the environment the child grows up in.

          1. Mental illness affects ten percent of our population. The man you marry may be perfect but he may very well have a schizophrenic aunt. Guess we need a family tree screening for mental illness, alcoholism, as well as any other inherited diseases.

          2. I think you’re missing my point. We can’t control the genetic make-up of our children, but we can try and control the environment they grow up in, so that if they are predisposed to mental illness, it will not be as severe as it would have otherwise been.

          3. And raising kids with an abusive father, regardless of whether he’s abusive because of mental illness or not, is pretty much guaranteed to exacerbate any predisposition to mental illness that they already have. ESPECIALLY with a father who has learned from his own parents that psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health professionals, and medication are ineffective and something to be avoided, regardless of how crappily your condition causes you to treat your girlfriend. I wouldn’t bring children into this relationship, and it has nothing to do with the fact that the boyfriend has a mental illness.

    6. He needs to get help. Period. These problems are not going to go away on their own, and it’s only going to get worse if you decide to marry and have children. Now’s the time to leave if it’s clear he’s not going to make efforts on his own to seek the help he needs. I have many children who were brought up by a parent who had untreated mental illness and I’d say that most, if not all of them, had fairly difficult childhoods.

      1. One of things that make this situation difficult is that the characterization as an “illness” (I don’t mean I disagree with it, bear with me), makes you feel like you should, according to most moral codes, stick it out with him and not “punish” him for something he can’t control. After all, you wouldn’t leave him if he was in a car accident, got a major chronic physical illness, etc. It feels wrong (selfish, disloyal, etc.) to put yourself first. This is different though in that he is directly lashing out at you. You don’t have to put your own mental well-being at risk to be a good person. Your well-being, whether you ask him to go to counseling or you walk away, is a legitimate choice.

    7. Anon, there are two big questions in play: one, what is best for your boyfriend? Two, what is best for you? There might be zero overlap between those two scenarios.

      Certainly he needs help. It’s possible that with therapy and medication he could live a much happier and more stable life.

      However: it is not your job to fix him. You cannot control his illness or how he responds to it. My spouse has an ongoing struggle with mental illness, and to be honest, I would make decisions very, very differently if I had known when we married what I know now. I love him but the marriage has been very difficult. Setting boundaries with respect to what behavior is acceptable to you and what is not is (IMO) crucial for your wellbeing.

      If you cannot set and maintain those boundaries (meaning, if he cannot consistently treat you with respect and love as you request), then IMO you would be much better off in another relationship. Perhaps he’s capable of seeking help and changing his behavior, perhaps he is not. But you deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of what his problems are.

      Best of luck. This sounds like a complicated and difficult situation, and you should take the time you need to make decisions here.

    8. Hi. OK so as someone who has struggled with depression myself I was more on the boyfriend’s side than most commentators but this is a non-starter. If he is acknowledging he has a problem and actively seeking help that is one thing. But to blame his poor behavior on an illness but simultaneously refuse to do anything about it? Just no. And you may well wish to go to counseling yourself, but I think this guy is a lost cause.

    9. You should see a counselor yourself and get advice and therapy.

      Relationships are essentially about finding someone whose faults you can live with without trying to change him, while he can live with your faults without trying to change him. Uncontrolled mental illness, where he’s decided not to control it, is a major fault. Some people could live with this, and others can’t. It sounds like his outbursts are causing you some not trivial levels of distress. It may not be something you can continue to live with if he doesn’t change it.

      1. Thanks to everyone for your advice. I have been considering going to counseling for quite some time and think I should make an appointment soon, especially because I have felt myself changing too. I’ve become a person I’m not too happy being… especially because being a party in these fights means I’m fighting now too. I hope I will have a positive update for you Corporettes soon.

        1. Good for you, it sounds like you’re on the right track. Just remember this: you said “He is in a pretty high-profile career and is paranoid that this would get out and cause him to lose favor with others. ”

          Your boyfriend has chosen what others MIGHT think of him over how he treats you, the woman he supposedly loves. That doesn’t make him a prince among men. No matter how great he is the rest of the time, either a) he recognizes the problem, but doesn’t see fit to do anything to fix it, or b) he doesn’t see a problem, and he won’t ever fix it. Don’t feel like you are the only one responsible for doing work in this relationship. If he’s not willing, or not able, to work on it too, it won’t work. Don’t martyr yourself because he’s ill. You deserve better.

          Very, very best of luck, and please let us know how it goes.

          1. Totally agree – he has chosen his career over you and over his own mental health. What does that say about him? Imagine if he was obese and had had a heart attack and refused to make changes because he didn’t want to leave the office. Would you think that was “ok”? Would you choose to be with him?
            I have struggled with depression at times and it took my now ex saying to me “I can’t be with you because you won’t help yourself” to get me into counseling. Unfortunately, we couldn’t work out the issues that had built up between us, though we are still friends. But the best thing he did for me was give me that wake up call that I was hurting myself and, in turn, hurting him. Had he just put up with it, maybe we’d be together but I’d be far less mentally healthy.

        2. I, too, had an ex-boyfriend (whom I dated and lived with for several years) who suffered from mental illness and, while there were great moments, especially in the beginning, there were many, many times when I felt hurt, frustrated, guilty, manipulated, isolated and alone. Although he was never physically abusive, he was emotionally abusive and I spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about him, his moods, how he was doing, what he was doing, how he would feel about something, etc. I realized that I was not divulging what might otherwise be routine information and I was keeping secrets from my friends and family about our relationship and the way he treated me not because I was being discreet and they were none of their business, but because I was ashamed of the way he treated me and I was ashamed that I allowed it. It was a very painful break-up, and I had to seek counseling in large part to deal with the guilt I felt for “abandoning” him and then for the shame I felt for being in such a relationship, but I can tell you it was truly awesome when I finally realized I no longer had to “manage” every situation, my own feelings, his feelings (and possible outbursts), etc.

          And once I was able to once again be in a relationship with someone who did not have these issues, it was wonderful. I ended up having several more healthy relationships before meeting my husband, and I have never been happier. In my opinion, in order to marry this man or remain in a long-term relationship with him, you have to love him and accept him as he is and understand that, while you may hope for change, you should never expect it or count on it and then you have to be happy with that being your future (and the future of your family and potential family).

          In the end, I would definitely recommend you find a counselor to talk with about these issues, because it sounds like you need to come to terms with the situation and be prepared to handle the outcome.

          Best wishes to you!

  11. Threadjack, but I just need to say this:
    I know there have been some recent comments about not talking wedding-talk here on the Corporette boards, and I agree that theknot is a much better forum for that type of thing. But recently, I got on theknot just to vent about some wedding-related frustration I am having, also seeking advice, and got some VERY mean-girl responses. Some of them actually made me upset. (And then I felt stupid for feeling upset by total strangers…)
    I just wanted to say that I am so so glad that every time I have posted on Corporette, whether it was work-related or something more personal, I have never felt ganged up on.
    You ladies rock.

    1. The knot is kind of horrible, in my opinion. I’m getting married in the spring and have enjoyed weddingbee.com and indiebride.com. So much saner. The knot just makes me feel bad about myself…

    2. Haha oh, the Knot. Trolls they be!

      Try weddingbee if you are looking for a good, corporette-like warm environment in re weddings. They have regular bloggers and boards.

      *Please don’t flame me for using the word wedding on Corporette. : {

      1. @ kellyn – haha – why do you think I prefaced my original comment the way I did?

        I will go check those sites out. I’m getting married in the spring, too, and I was having a we-are-getting-down-to-the-wire freak-out moment, wanted to vent, and got completely barraged by insults about a mildly sarcastic post, directed at the wedding industry in general… I dislike that so much of my information is public on my account there, esp when obviously surrounded by some kinda mean chicks.
        I am really tempted to delete my knot account, but you cannot do it yourself, you have to have their tech people do it FOR you. So strange.

    3. some of those women are nuts. and seem to live to get their jollies by viciously insulting random strangers on the internet.

      did you try the “local” board for your area on the knot? for me they were great, and i stayed away from the main boards.

      1. I agree, I found the Knot great – but I only ever used the local boards for advice. The women there were very supportive and helpful. Staying away from the general boards (unless you’re going there just to read the snark for entertainment, which of course I NEVER did, because that would be WRONG) is key.

        Best wishes, and don’t stress too much!

        1. One of my friends swore off the knot after they had an article that included Journey as a band “never to be played at your reception..”

        2. I have tried my local board – I live in area that is not heavily populated, so the local board is not helpful because of the sparse number of people. And honestly, I’m hesitant to ever post anything there again. I’m scared of those nutty “knotties”! I went ahead and moved on over to weddingbee. Much nicer group, from what I can tell. And I changed my wedding website to weddingjojo so I can attempt to delete my knot account entirely. I don’t really want to support their website anymore, what with all the negativity flying around. Whew. Thanks for the *positive* feedback. Nice to see supportive posters, as I knew the Corporettes would be.

  13. Mother said – don’t wear pumps with cutouts, and don’t wear fake reptile anything. Darn it, I think she was right!

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