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Little Liffner is a new bag company to me, but I like how they have slightly cheeky details on all of their bags. The strap details are subtle but unusual on this bag; other mini-bags have a slanted top, and still others have a tulip-shaped top — they remind me of a beach or grocery shopping bag, but are made out of serious materials like leather and suede.
This particular bag is $650 at Ssense.com and Luisaviaroma— at 13.75 x 11.5 x 9.75 it's big enough for lots of stuff. (This shearling version is really cute and on sale if you like shearling!) (Huh, and it's $525 at LittleLiffner.com.)
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
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- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sarah
I know there have been some convos here about adult ADHD over the years.
I’ve gone to therapy for anxiety, and brought up the idea that I have ADHD, and have been told I have “ADHD tendencies” but it was just not focused on. And I am on Wellbutrin, which is used to treat both anxiety and ADHD – funnily enough it only started working once I was at the dose where it works for ADHD
I’m thinking about this today because I read an article of tips with people for ADHD and everything in it was very relatable. Some of the strategies I have already figured out by myself, and they work really well – and the rest I’m going to try. I know my ADHD is not like severe but I definitely have significant executive functioning issues. My parents dismissed it as lazy or procrastinating. Someone at work told me that I am organized and I was like it took a lot of effort to get to the point where I seem vaguely organized. At the same time 2 professors (one in college, one in grad school) basically suggested that I go get tested for a learning disorder or something.
The reason I want a more concrete diagnosis than “ADHD tendencies” is that I’d rather go find an article like that and feel justified in following it – instead of what happens right now where I basically end up figuring it out myself.
1) Is there a good enough reason to want to get a diagnosis?
2) Does anyone have recommendations out of the many ADHD workbooks that exist?
Anonymous
Not to dissuade you from seeking a diagnosis, but most of the executive functioning strategies that help for ADHD are useful for most people whether or not they have ADHD, so why would you need “justification” to try any of them?
Sarah
I mean I know its not fully logical
It’s sort of the area between “these would help anybody” and me knowing that I definitely need more help that most people. So if it’s not ADHD, then why is all this so tough for me? Most people could use the tips, sure, I sent the article to a friend and she was immediately interested, but it takes up a more significant amount of my mental space and energy.
Anon
+1. I definitely don’t have ADHD, but lots of the suggestions I see are the things I do already to help manage my life. Test if you want meds or disability accommodations, otherwise don’t bother.
Anon
I think the reason to get a diagnosis is to get meds if that’s what you want.
Anonymous
Currently going through this same process with ASD. I also have anxiety but felt like there was something else going on, too. I thought I had some ADHD tendencies (other members of my family have received adult ADHD diagnoses), brought it up to my therapist, and he said I do some have ADHD tendencies but he thinks what’s really going on is that I am on the autism spectrum. ~cue glass breaking sound effect~ After reading up on it, I’m pretty sure he is right, but that begs the question… what now? Just the process of finding someone qualified to do an adult ASD evaluation who takes my insurance has been in itself kind of overwhelming, months or years long waiting lists, etc. And it’s not like a diagnosis means I can take a magic pill. I’m also unsure whether disclosing at work would help in any way or just invite skepticism and possibly discrimination. But my brain likes CERTAINTY, which means I really want to know “for real.”
I can say that both members of my family who received adult ADHD diagnoses are glad they did, and a combo of medication + better understanding of their own tendencies really helped them function better. One ultimately chose to stop taking medication, the other is still on it, and both are doing much better than they were pre-diagnosis. So if you want to try medication, or think a formal diagnosis will unlock treatment options you didn’t previously have, those are good reasons to do it.
Anonymous
I got a diagnosis, just for myself. It was really validating.
Sarah
I also just want to know for certain either way.
Also, I’ve always felt different, or family members said I was different, and if there is a word or an explanation for that difference I’d love to hear it.
I don’t know what I would do with a diagnosis. I’m happy with my medication and I wouldn’t really ask for accommodations at work.
I do have to say that Wellbutrin has almost been like a magic pill for me. Not 100%, but at least 90%.
ADD Anon
What dosage are you taking? I don’t have anxiety but an using Welbutrin for ADD (not diagnosed formally but I’m pretty darn sure), and I don’t think it’s helping much. Adderall sent by blood pressure too high, so I’d like to see if I can get a dosage of Welbutrin that works. Thanks.
Anon
Wellbutrin doesn’t do much for my ADHD, although it definitely helps my depression.
Sarah
All this is making me remember what one therapist said, which was that there is some grey area of “dysregulation”, whether that breaks down to anxiety or depression or ADHD, and that sometimes the line between those things is not super clear or important.
Sarah
Only 150mg. But when I was taking it at a lower dose it helped with anxiety but not really the ADHD – it needs to be at a higher dose than what would treat anxiety to treat ADHD.
Anon
I wouldn’t read too much into this- 150 is still a pretty low dose. When I took it for depression and anxiety, that was the starting dose and we quickly moved up to 300 mg before it did anything and it can still go up from there.
Anonymous
I’ve finally got an appointment booked to diagnose. It’ll be $1500. I don’t want meds (also on Wellbutrin, 300, helps with impulsivity but not much). I too want certainty and to know whether I’m ND like my ASD son.
Adhd-tok has been really helpful.
To the person below – if you think you’re autistic, self-diagnosis is valid, there’s a 100-Q test floating around the web. I’ve been meaning to take it too.
Sarah
I found that article through ADHD-tok – literally every small behavior ever described on ADHD-tok applies to me. Now, I know that Tiktok is not always a good source and that people sometimes attribute to many things to one issue, but still
Anon
What’s the article? I have adhd and could use any of the tips I can get! Mine is nowhere near borderline, though :)
Anonymous
The last time I did anything with buying / selling, you put down a deposit and if you didn’t close, you lost your deposit. Now, my state has what is called “due diligence” and a pot of $ for that and a deposit. My rough understanding is that during the due diligence window, you can opt not to close and you lose that $. But every RE agent I’ve talked to makes it more confusing. Is there a good interwebs resource that can put it into plain English? NC, if that matters.
We might want to make an opportunistic purchase, but only if we can sell our house (and only if that sale closes — I’m getting a bit hinkey that houses may start to not appraise or buyers may fail to get financing now that prices are very high and interest rates are higher than in the recent past). I don’t want to wind up with no house or with a house I have to buy even if mine doesn’t sell.
And don’t get me started on RE agents in my city. I am concerned that agents I’ve talked to aren’t used to reading the forms they fill out and that many have not been in this line of work during the prior recession where stuff went sideways all the time and people fought over the meaning of documents they signed (and when listing your sale as pending eliminated any further interest and when a house went back on the market after a failed closing it was seen as toxic no matter how much you reduced the price and how long you waited). I can’t stomach that again.
Anon
You wrote a lot, but it sounds like you want your purchase of the new house contingent on selling your current one. I don’t think sale contingencies are back, but no one can tell you for sure unless you start making offers. Also, there are the tried and true approaches like getting an interim rental if you sell your house first, or renting it back from the buyer for a few months, or renting out your new purchase until you sell the current house.
Anon
Isn’t a financing contingency baked in to most forms? Like if you don’t qualify for a loan, unless you make a cash offer, failing to qualify (like your house doesn’t sell and your DTI would be too high with the new purchase) is always a known and accepted risk (so no qualifying, no loan, no closing).
OTOH, I had someone willfully fail to close in 2008 and then demanded his deposit back. For some reason I can’t remember, if I took the $, I released him from the contract, which I was so annoyed that I refused to do. It went on FOREVER.
Anon
These days, I assume you have to submit your qualifications for financing when making an offer so if you aren’t qualified your bid likely won’t be accepted. Otherwise anyone could bid huge amounts and get accepted offers and just mess up the whole process. Is this incorrect?
Anon
You can always write a sale contingency into your offer and see what happens. If the seller doesn’t have multiple offers they may take it.
In this changing market you just don’t know unless you try.
anon
I think you should say where you are here specifically and then ask for a recommendation for a good realtor/sales person. What you’re asking, I think, is what is the process to buy a home and what do you need to do to be competitive.
That process widely has not changed in the last number of years / cycles. The thing that fluctuates through downturns and market to market are the contingencies – what can a buyer ask for as an “out” and still get it accepted/be competitive. In very seller favorable markets, the “outs” / contingencies are extremely limited or non-existent. In markets that are softer, buyers can get away with including more outs – inspection contingencies, financing contingencies, offer subject to finding suitable housing-type contingencies.
Anonymous
If you’re this anxious about it just don’t sell your house.
Please we are begging you to reread and edit your long rambling anxiety driven posts.
Anon
Other people are happy to help this person and it’s not your job to diagnose others with anxiety. It’s you that needs to go away.
Anonymous
Nope. This is a constant constant issue. Reread. Rewrite.
Anon
If it annoys you, collapse. Beyond that, there’s the door. But it’s not your job to police other people. This blog has a moderator and it’s not you.
Anon
Look, I don’t necessarily love it either, but just like posters don’t get to dictate what kind of answers they get, readers don’t get to dictate what kind of comments get posted. Acting like there’s any authority to tell somebody to stop is ridiculous.
Anonymous
Why do people always act like one person posts here? I get accused of having anxiety regularly by the board. I know I didn’t post the above because I neither live in NC nor own a house. If you don’t want to read posts, by all means skip them.
Aunt Jamesina
I really don’t see the anxiety you’re speaking about and I think OP’s comment is just fine. Home buying is a stressful experience!
You may think her comment could use editing for clarity, but yours would improve with more empathy.
Vicky Austin
+1
Anonymous
In NC, the buyer’s offer will include due diligence money and earnest money. Ten or more years ago, these two pots of money were not particularly relevant to the offer, but in NC they are now largely tell the seller just how serious the buyer is about the house because the DD money is not refundable. The buyer gives that money up when the offer is accepted, regardless of the outcome of an appraisal or inspection. What used to be a measly percentage of the overall value of the offer is now regularly tens of thousands of dollars in competitive markets. On the other hand, earnest money is refundable as long as the buyer decides not to move forward before the end of the due diligence period.
tldr; due diligence is not refundable, earnest money is. Get a reputable realtor to walk you through the scenarios of your particular market and your particular buying and selling price points.
– signed, purchased four NC homes in the last decade with FSBO, contingent, traditional, and back-to-back close experiences
Anonymous
https://www.raleighrealtyhomes.com/blog/due-diligence-earnest-money-real-estate-north-carolina.html
Anonymous
Unless it’s changed since we bought a house 4 years ago, in NC, due diligence is non-refundable. Earnest money (what I think you mean by deposit?) is refundable if buyer decides to back out during due diligence period.
Anonymous
Also, for NC specific questions, the city-data Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill forum actually has a lot of realtors on it that give reasonably helpful advice.
anonchicago
Answering late, but I bought a house in NC earlier this year. Our realtor put in next to no effort but was honest with us about the DD needed to make an offer competitive and contingencies in the deal.
Contingent sales are not a thing in the Triangle or Charlotte markets. We were close to selling our Chicago condo and ran into some issues which delayed that close. It all worked out but in retrospect it would’ve been better to close on that before putting in an offer and fronting DD.
Our realtor told us that we needed to be pre approved when making an offer, so we got an overnight approval from Loan Depot. Ended up going with them as they had the lowest rate.
The DD amount was a bit obscene though I understand it’s coming down in some areas. We had to put that up when making the offer.
House Poor
Reposting since I was late on the morning thread
Help talk me off a ledge — or chastise me, I don’t know. We just had our offer accepted for a house in a VHCOL (SF Bay Area) and I’m having anxiety about the huge expense. We’ve been living way below our means for many years in order to save up the large down payment, and now that housing prices have stabilized and we’re expecting our first baby, we really wanted to buy a house. We make pretty good money and the numbers do work out, but it boggles my mind that our housing expense will basically quadruple as we go from an apartment to a house. I think I got used to the DINK life where we didn’t really have to budget and could still save a lot of money and now I feel a little trapped knowing that I now have to work forever since there isn’t really anything affordable here on only one income that has a solid school district and a decent commute. Many of our friends have said that they wished they had a larger house/yard with WFH and their kids getting older, so we probably went for something larger than we absolutely had to. My family keeps sending me articles that the housing market crash is coming which adds to my stress. Commiseration or tough love?
Anon
If you’re buying this house because it’s what you and your family truly want, then go for it.
If you’re buying this house because you think it’s what you’re “supposed” to do, societal/friends’ expectations, or some other reason that’s not “I want to live in this house and am willing to do what it takes to do so”, then this internet stranger gives you her blessings to walk away and live the life YOU want.
Anon
This is a pretty normal feeling. If the numbers work out, breathe.
Anonymous
Tough love: you are not trapped and don’t have to work forever. You can always sell this house. You can rent. You can move to a different neighborhood, a different city, a different state, a different country. You may not WANT to, but you can. If you have the kind of job skills that get you the kind of job that get you the income to buy a house in SF, then you have lots and lots and lots of options. Life is very rarely set in stone.
InHouse Anon
I definitely understand the feeling of all of a sudden spending SO MUCH more on housing. But if the numbers work, it’ll be okay.
For context: Back in 2011, my husband and I (DINKs at the time) purchased our first home in a low cost of living area for $X. It felt like a reasonable amount, and then when we added a daycare payment that equaled our mortgage, it felt like a lot. BUT, we were still saving a ton (again, LCOL area). Fast-forward to this summer and several moves in between and we just bought a house that is $5X what we paid for that first house. Technically we could afford this house on one salary, but it would be a no vacations, rice and beans kind of life — so it did feel a little odd to be “trapped” in my job. But the reality is: we can afford the house, both our jobs are stable (as can reasonably be expected), I don’t want to not work, and we want to enjoy 20 years of working hard by living in a nice house. Hopefully, we’ll both be okay :)
Anonymous
I think this is very common, and I’m having the same feelings right now. Looking in the DC area, so not as HCOL as SF but it definitely gives me pause that my housing costs all in would be double what they have been for the years and years I’ve lived in an apartment and invested or saved the rest. But for me it comes down to, all that saving and investing is great but at some point I have to live how I want or else what’s the point?
Anon
You got some good advice this morning and your advice here follows the same pattern. Being anxious is normal.
Since you reposted looking for more answers, are you sure you’re not looking for different answers? Are you looking for someone to tell you to back out of this deal and live in a rental forever? Ask yourself.
Beyond that, calm down in whatever way works for you, and try to let yourself enjoy the thought of owning your home – and yes, it’s your home, not just a house you’re investing in.
Nesprin
In the bay area, your options are spend all your money on a mortgage or all your money on a lease, especially if growing kids are in the picture. The last thing you want is to discover 3 years into your house that your house just isn’t enough.
Financially, buying worked out pretty damn well. My lease went up by ~10% each year I lived there, whereas my mortgage keeps staying steady/going down relative to my income. My equity is enough that I can borrow my way out of financial trouble.
Anonymous
I wrote a very similar post last year (although I wasn’t pregnant) and now it’s one year later. Also in a VHCOLA and rented for a long time in very small inexpensive apartments and bought a much nicer, bigger place. We pay a little less than double what we used to in rent, but our interest + taxes + costs of maintaining the home are less than what we paid in rent, and I consider the principal money we pay ourselves.
I am very happy we bought this place. I love the neighborhood, I love not feeling cramped, I love having a little outdoor space. I’m now pregnant and not stressed at all about space for the baby. It’s been such a huge life upgrade. You never know what the market will do – interest rates have increased a lot and we likely would not have bought this place ok then current market, so I’m happy we acted when we did.
It was a big life change, a shift in thinking about finances, but I don’t feel stressed about money and my daily life is so much better in our new place. Good luck!
Anonymous
I missed the vaccination discussion this morning but can I just say how happy I am that the HPV vaccine is now routine, even for boys? My 11 year old son got his first HPV shot yesterday.
(I got mine HPV vax at like 42 and that third one HURT. Ow. But, I may have had COVID at the time, so who knows. (3/20.)
Anon
It used to make me stabby how no one got them for their sons (that I’m aware of; those sons re now 20-ish, so not too late). My daughters got it the moment they were eligible (which does not mean I want them to become active — it’s more a sad awareness that if they are active very early, it may well be forcible or coercive, so I protect them from what I can).
Anon
My son is 19 and in college and got the two shots his pediatrician recommended when he was more or less middle school aged.
Anonymous
Another reason to get the shots early is that tweens only need two doses but older teens and adults need three.
Grace
Yes!! It’s a vaccine that literally prevents cancer. What a remarkable thing!!
Anon
I’m not sure I’d say it’s routine. It’s recommended but in my Bible Belt area a lot of parents don’t get it for kids because they think it will make their kids sexually active. I had to take my daughter to the health department for a blood test when she was a baby and I heard a mom of a tween tell a nurse “I want my daughter to get all the vaccines except that HPV one. She’s not messing with no boys, so we don’t need that one.” and the kid just had her head down at the ground the whole time not saying anything. I wanted to scream at the mom “You want your daughter to die of cancer as a punishment for having premarital sex?!” Never mind the fact that not all sex is consensual… Ugh. It’s so horrible that so many people think this way.
Anon
My sister felt that the HPV shot would give her daughter (didn’t even consider it for her sons) “permission” to have sex so she said no. Now my 26 year old niece has has precancerous cervical cells removed twice.
Aunt Jamesina
And!!! Even if a girl does it the way she’s “supposed to” and “saves herself” (bleh) for marriage, her partner could still give her HPV. Or she could be raped. This is such an awful, regressive stance.
Anon
She could get it from marital sex. I did.
Anon
This is crazy. My kids are in middle school and have no idea about any shots except the got a COVID-specific sticker for those shots. They don’t know flu from a cold from whooping cough to tetanus (did I give them permission to get severe burns or step on rusty nails? Oops) to chicken pox. Ugh. Can we stop pretending that kids pay attention? They just know shot = ice cream.
Anonymous
Not to be obtuse but isn’t this a vaccine that prevents cervical cancer? Does it prevent something different in boys? Or is it about men protecting women they’ll garden with? I’m unclear why males are getting this shot, though as with all shots defer to whatever the recommendations are so I’m not at all anti vaccine, just curious.
Anonymous
My understanding: cervical cancer is caused by a STD, HPV. The vaccine protects both against the STD but the main problematic symptom is cervical cancer.
Just googled: “It is estimated that HPV vaccines may prevent 70% of cervical cancer, 80% of anal cancer, 60% of vaginal cancer, 40% of vulvar cancer, and show more than 90% efficacy in preventing HPV-positive oropharyngeal cancers.”
Anon
The vaccine prevents HPV, a virus that can cause cancer if the body doesn’t clear it completely. More women than men develop cancer from HPV, but men can develop cancer too. So it protects both them and all their future partners.
Anon
And if you lose your cervix, it may be that you need a total hysterectomy, so no babies. Or you may need a cerclage to carry to term. Who wants either for their daughters?
Anon
Yes, it’s mostly about protecting the women they might have sex with. They absolutely still carry and transmit the virus.
Anna
It also prevents an@l cancer and cancer in the throat . Our girls had the vaccine in the free vaccine programm in my country. Had decided I would pay myself for our son to.get it but Boys are now part of the program
Anon
The HPV vaccine is a vaccine against the human papilloma virus. HPV causes genital warts in men and women. It’s also a strong risk factor in penile cancer and head and neck cancers, as well as cervical cancer.
Anonymous
HPV causes a number of different cancers in addition to cervical that are relevant to men, primarily oropharyngeal (head and neck) but also penile and anal. And that’s just the ones we know about–research into HPV as a cause of cancers other than cervical is newish (like for head and neck cancers it’s been the last 20-30 years) so I wouldn’t be shocked if we discover it can cause other cancers.
Anonymous
Also, HPV is shockingly common (like if you’re a sexually active adult, you’ve probably been exposed at some point), so helping prevent transmission of high risk strains to partners is also a benefit (there are lots of types of HPV, not all cause cancers, and not all are covered by the vaccine, but the highest risk strains are).
Anon
I am 44 and just had my 2nd round of the HPV vaccine last week. I’m so glad it’s more widely available now.
It’s a middle of the road ouchy shot – worse than the flu shot but not as bad as anthrax (my benchmark for ouchy shots – I’m sure there are worse).
anon
Because I’m overthinking it: Can I wear black Athleta Farallon shorts to a work picnic? It is literally at a park shelter and the idea of wearing jeans or even a dress makes me want to curl up into a ball. I do not own long shorts. These are not scandalously short on me and I wouldn’t think twice about wearing them on any number of occasions. It’s the work part that’s throwing me.
Anon
If you are in the US, yes.
Help
I am a terrible arguer. I view disagreements as winner-takes-all, I always want the last word, I take dissent personally, I get emotional when I shouldn’t, I don’t listen, I interrupt, I shout, I make ad hominem attacks. You name it, I do it — everything the psychologists and negotiation experts say not to do. Each time I have an argument with someone, about a big deal or small one, I tell myself this time will be different: I’ll listen, I’ll take deep breaths, I’ll count to 10, I’ll focus on the substance, I’ll hear what they have to say, I’ll use “I” statements. And then in the moment, I just can’t. I know all the “shoulds,” but I never succeed in putting them into practice. It’s destructive and unfair to the people in my life, and I feel bad afterwards.
Bottom line, I’m looking for concrete advice on how to implement change (not for criticism about where I am right now…I come by this issue honestly and am extremely aware of how harmful it can be). And yes I’m seeing a therapist too.
Vicky Austin
Are you sharing these things with your therapist?
Anon
Good on you for recognising it.
That’s a whole lotta change, how about just starting with leaving the argument so you have space to implement the other tactics? Walk away and get a glass of water.
Anonymous
How are you in ordinary conversations — not disagreements? When you’re just talking, are you able to listen well to people who have different viewpoints than yours, contain your emotional responses, listen without interrupting, think well of people and say good things to and about them?
How well do you do when you’re upset but are by yourself (not in an argument with anyone): can you take deep breaths then, count to 10, focus on the substance rather than letting your thoughts run wild, put your thoughts into an “I” statement?
If you can’t do these things when you’re not in an argument, that’s where you start practicing them. Example: If you can’t have a normal conversation without interrupting people, then of course you won’t be able to stop the interrupting when you’re furious. Or, if you can’t, when by yourself, take deep breaths and calm yourself down, then of course you won’t be able to do it in the middle of an argument.
Anonymous
Don’t focus on winning the dispute. Instead, focus on resolving the dispute. This may mean just seeking reconciliation with the person you’re dealing with, independent of the facts. It may mean you have to reference the facts to reinforce your position. It may mean just asking what outcome is acceptable to all involved. Regardless, realize that few arguments are truly “won” (or can even be won).
eertmeert
It sounds to me – not a therapist – that you get overloaded and React instead of Respond. Maybe take a break from the conversations and say “This is very interesting and I want to respond to you. I just need a minute to order my thoughts. Can we pick this up again in 5?”
Then recalibrate yourself. While you are flooded you are not representing yourself well. There is very little you can do in those moments when emotion takes over, so stop yourself before it gets there. If you can’t participate fairly then don’t participate.
Anonymous
Don’t talk about things unless you are calm. When you catch yourself going down this path, just take a break for at least an hour, then make a couple notes about key things you want to say.
Anon
Don’t put yourself in situations where you get into arguments.
Emma
My dad used to have crazy rage issues and is now the most zen person I know. I once asked him his advice because I was feeling completely at a loss in terms of changing some of my own issues in managing conflict. He told me that the biggest biggest first step is “just refrain.”
It’s a lot of work to try to breathe, say “I statements,” and basically change your whole approach when you’re emotionally activated. So don’t focus on that to start. Just: if you find yourself getting heated, take a step back, don’t engage for the moment, wait to approach it until you’re not upset. 99% of arguments aren’t a big deal, and the ones that are, will still be there after you’ve taken space, written down what you want to say, and come back to it from a place of calm.
For other arguments that don’t matter: just. stop. arguing. There is no need. It’s probably an anxiety or control thing, but you don’t need to be right. You never need to change anyone else’s mind. Let yourself be and let other people be as they are. The world won’t end if you let a wrong opinion continue to exist.
Anon
I am not a therapist, but what if you and your argument partners were to agree that if they saw you starting to do these things, they could say something like “You need to take a break.” Would hearing that agreed-on phrase help you recognize your behavior in the moment and be able to adjust? It sounds like it’s almost a reflex at this point, so something that stops that momentum might help.
Anon
That’s a lot to ask of coworkers, if OP is doing this at work.
Anon
Consider whether you’re curious enough. I am rarely so dug in on a position that I’m angry to the point of having the reaction you’re describing and when I am, it’s because I’m genuinely not curious about why someone feels differently. Approach things more like an anthropologist as much as possible.
Anon
This is a bit wackadoodle. I also think I had it (as part of a skirt suit) that I wore for a middle school violin concert in the 1980s. I’m sure, with pantyhose. I think it was from J.C. Penney (Penny? cannot remember how to spell that).
https://sea-ny.com/products/naya-jacket?variant=40099147120676¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=CjwKCAjwsMGYBhAEEiwAGUXJaZgaNoQrun9n85HcBfbAhTlQvSVjvf1yF2Z0DtkVxRpSOaBLl4_U7BoChFEQAvD_BwE
I am not sure where you wear this (violin recital in 2022?). It is giving me all the feels though (but maybe will wait until it is on sale). These aren’t J.C. Penny prices.
Senior Attorney
J.C. Penney (you need to buy a vowel)! Pretty sure I had a skirt like that in the 80s and would have killed for a matching jacket.
Similarly, Facebook just showed me a photo of myself on vacation in Hawaii, ca. 1977, wearing what is absolutely indistinguishable from what we’re now calling a nap dress!
Anon
hahaha I love this and yes nap dresses are basically muumuus!
Anonymous
I’d love to see it up close. (I just know that if I wore that then I would be tempted to pet every cat I could. Tassels!)
Anon
This is to be worn to your son’s wedding when he marries that wh0re who doesn’t deserve him.
Anon
That is a long way from a middle school concert. So versatile! I love it!
Anonymous
if you work from home and have other people there, how do you deal with interruptions (or otherwise delineate no-disturb times)? my admonition to “please don’t ask me minor questions if i’m typing 100 words per minute” doesn’t seem to have taken with my kids and partner.
Vicky Austin
A more obvious signal – closed door, headphones on?
No Face
When I work from home, the door is closed. I text others if I need to communicate. If a kid asks me a question, my answer is “I will get to you in X minutes.” I’m basically not accessible.
Sometimes I let a kid stay in the room with me, but we aren’t talking. We are both “working” on our computers, but her work is the PBS kids website.
Anon
1) Why are your kids home doing work hours? Arrange childcare that gets your kids out of the house.
2) This seems like something your partner should respect, and if s/he isn’t listening after multiple requests to not do this, maybe counseling?
3) Lock on your office door?
Anon
All of the above.
Anon
Locked door
Anon
I cannot WFH if other people are at home. Especially kids.
Anon
Don’t even reply to say you’ll get back to them. Just ignore until your break. You’re still reacting even if you’re not acting.
Anon
Can you use some sort of visual cue to signal when you’re really busy? Depending on your setup, headphones on, door shut, or a sign? I think open communication is best, if more subtle things don’t work. Husband and I also text and email each other within the house and use texts, which buzz at us, for more urgent things, and emails, which don’t buzz at us, for things that aren’t important to look at right now. Either is less distracting than starting a conversation while the other person is busy, but can turn into a conversation if we’re not busy.
Moving on
I have been seeing someone casually, most of the times we spend time together on some weekends, other times we go to events e.g. concerts. He is 42 (same age as me) never married and has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I have been content with this arrangement, except over the last few months of summer when I went through some difficulties in my personal and work life. Somehow in that time I started feeling that what I would really want is a more serious relationship i.e. one that could lead to commitment, i.e. plan things in future together etc. We talked about it and he still wants to stay casual. Naturally because of this I feel that it is better to move on because we are at a point where each person wants something different. The thing is I feel apprehensive of going back to online dating, I found it emotionally exhausting and do not feel excited about going back to swiping. Part of the reason things felt easier with this guy (compared to previous online matches) is that we have been platonic friends for some years before things got romantic more recently. My previous experience with online dating was a mixed bag, some awful online interactions but also some decent matches. I am also at the point where I feel like at 42 I may never meet someone and will grow old alone, this makes me truly sad, like there is nothing to look forward to. I know conventional advice says to just go out to social events with friends etc and use the apps which I plan to do. But in posting this I am also hoping that I can get advice on how to not focus on this thing which I hope will happen but may never. Part of the sadness comes from knowing all my friends from college & grad school are settled now (I come from a culture where being married is highly valued especially for women); plus living in a foreign country (woman of color in a big European city). Also how to make getting back to dating less painful. Thanks in advance.
Anon
Can you do both? Can you be in a non-monogamous relationship ship with Mr. Casual? Go on a few dates. See what’s out there. But keep Mr. Casual around for the steady weekend plans and because you are friends.
If he doesn’t want a committed relationship I don’t see why you aren’t free to date.
Anon
He might not want non-monogamous gardening. Sometimes people like to be monogamous for gardening purposes but aren’t Committed with a capital C in the emotional sense. She should have an honest conversation with him if she plans to do this.
Anon
This is ridiculous. Commitment for gardening should equal real relationship commitment. I’ve see. It in the reverse where people are emotionally commitment but have other gardening friends. Try to think of it as him or not him versus him or someone else. The someone else may not come but are you happier single than with him in this pseudo non-committed relationship? I’d talk to him and depending on how that conversation goes, end things romantically with him.
Senior Attorney
Agree. Don’t have all your eggs in one basket, whether you break up with Mr. Casual or not.
Anonymous Canadian
Aw, I feel for you! You sound fabulous and even though dating can be a grind I’ll bet there are many men who would be THRILLED to be your partner in life! However, that’s not something you can necessarily will into existence. You are an amazing person living what would be the dream for many of us (Single! Educated! Big European City!), and I expect there are numerous things about your life you can lean into and enjoy. If they are not immediately apparent, there have been many posts on this site with advice on how to find joy and meaning in the everyday. There are lots of anecdotal stories of people on this site finding their life partner much later than where you are in your life (I’m looking at you, Senior Attorney, for one).
I will say, gently, that you certainly won’t find your person if you remain tied to Mr. Casual, especially if in your heart of hearts you are wanting more from him than he has told you he is going to give you. It’s working for him (obviously – he gets YOU without the commitment than someone else would love to give you) but it’s clearly not working for you (and it wouldn’t work for me either). My own advice would be to thank him for the fun and move forward with seeking out what YOU truly want from your life – I feel like this situation is holding you back from that!
Take another look in the mirror and swipe away on that app, Lovely!
Curious
Just some validation: you deserve what you want, and it’s hard to find. My friends who are women of color in big European cities have really struggled to date. I’m sorry. The stark racism of that reality is a lot.
Anon
You will never get the life you want unless you try to make it happen. If you just settle for this, you will never get there. Dating can be terrible, but I’ve said this before, it can also be really fun. I reframed it as auditioning people to star in my life, not some exercise in rejection. You know what you’ve got going on now isn’t working and that should be motivation to change it. Anything worth having takes a little effort. Also dating is a good excuse to buy some cute clothes.
Anon
How do I get my husband’s attention for things that need doing around the house (organising much needed major repairs) and life admin like making wills and doing tax returns, as well as looking after his health?
I manage as much as I can to take things off his plate but I’m very limited. He has a busy job and works from home from 5am to 8am then in the office all day. He comes home from work at 7pm and is asleep by 8pm.
Added complexity: I’m very unwell and need a lot of help from him, so I feel like a big fat burden. We have a lot of household help so housework and lots of food prep is handled by help.
Anon
If he’s working that many hours then he needs to be making the bucks. Can you handle making the appointments for an estimate for the major repairs, and finding an estate attorney for the will stuff? It’s easier than you think to hire an estate attorney by the way. Just tell your husband he must be able to make this appointment with the attorney and give him a non-negotiable time slot.
Anonymous
You don’t. If he’s working those hours and taking care
Of everything else he doesn’t have time to take care of his own health.
Curious
I come here to say this a lot, but the book Fair Play has a system for this that is not naive.
Curious
I’m sorry, I skimmed. This is not the right answer for this situation.
No Face
How are you unwell? What kind of help do you need? I think there is a bigger issue here that you aren’t really talking about.
Anonymous
That’s perceptive of you. I have a degenerative neurological disease so I need help sorting out my final medical power of attorney and applying for my retirement early. I’ve hired help within that twice and both times been bitten.
I’m in a wheelchair and the house repairs are for places I can’t get to to show a contractor what needs doing.
I think maybe he’s at work avoiding me. That’s understandable.
Senior Attorney
Oh, my. I’m so sorry. This is so difficult.
Is it possible for the two of you to get some couples counseling? I can imagine there are a lot of tough discussions you two need to have that might be easier (or even possible vs. impossible) with the help of a trained professional.
Anon
I think your husband needs a different job.
Anonymous
Unpopular take, but: I always ask myself how I would handle it if I were divorced, and try to do that. Then any help or response from him is appreciated.
Anonymous
I’d have to live in a care home, so that’s a very unpopular take. My quality of life in there would be so bad I think I’d be better off dead, seeing what happens to other younger people in my situation.
I see what you meant though and if I were healthy or at least independent then that’s good advice.
Senior Attorney
Is there anybody else at all to whom you can reach out? Relatives? Friends? I know if I had a friend in your situation I’d be more than willing to help.
AIMS
+1 – I would be glad to come help you. That may not solve all the issues but can at least help with the household maintenance stuff.
Anon
It sounds like there’s a lot going on here, but if he’s really working that much and you’re not, I’d just do these things yourself. I’ve definitely booked medical appointments for my husband when already on the phone booking one for myself- it saves time of waiting on hold forever and it’s easier than nagging him to make an appointment.
Anon
Given what you have posted, this is my take:
(1) Stop worrying about his health. You have enough to worry about and you are his wife, not his mother.
(2) Make an appointment with an attorney specializing in assisting people with disabilites. If you need a referral, let us know where you live and someone may be able to help. Alternatively, if you are a member of any type of support group for your condition, ask them. The initial appointment can be via Zoom and many people will send someone to you to sign. (This type of situation is not uncommon.) I realize you have had bad experiences but this is something only a professional can help you with so vet someone carefully and get them to help you.
(3) For the changes to the house, that sounds urgent. Find a good general contractor and walk them through what needs to be done. Get at least a preliminary bid then have whoever come early in the morning while your husband is home. Better yet schedule a home accessibility evaluation. Your doctor might be able to help with a referral or your support group.
Best of luck!
IL
You may want to look into what your town/city/county offers in terms of senior services and social welfare. There are services that target seniors that you may nonetheless qualify for that address many of the things you are listing here (wills, benefits) through reputable local sources. My town even has a roster of contractors that will come out for free and fix things for seniors, paid for by a state grant.
If money is truly no object, I would get a personal assistant. That may also provide some companionship during the day that I sense you are missing. It sounds like both you and your husband are focused on the tangibles right now – food, housekeeping, home repairs – and aren’t taking stock of the intangibles.
Anon
Now that we are back 2 days a week, most people are working in their office with the the door open. A couple of people keep their door shut all day and have headphones on. They are super junior (finished school during the pandemic and this is a first job). They are rotating in my group now and I am senior enough to assign work. Am I right in sensing that they just want everyone to leave them the F alone? FWIW they already have a bad reputation as unresponsive remote workers and it is important in my group to be trained and discuss each turn of documents and comments. I’ve messaged them to make sure they aren’t on calls and then said to come down to discuss X, Y, or Z and the are so visibly annoyed. I’ve never had this before from any other rounds of newbies but it is like they hate us, hate talking to us, and I don’t know how to fix this. Invite them to lunch? Or will that make them seethe more? We used to have such a great rapport with everyone and im not used to feeling on the outs with people like this.
Vicky Austin
Has anyone told them the general expectation is to keep the office door open? I would have looked around to see what other people were doing at that age, but they may not have picked up on that for various reasons.
Anon
The job is the job and they can seethe all they want. You can’t force them to socialize but if meeting in person is a job requirement, keep requiring it and if the seething becomes a problem, start the documentation process. First a discussion, take notes, a follow up meeting, take notes, and then a formal performance improvement plan. Stop walking on eggshells. Make it clear what the job is, and then expect them to do it.
No Face
They need to be trained in the work culture. When I was junior, people explicitly told me that there was an open door culture and that people bounce ideas off each other. Have a “this is how our group operates” talk if that is your role.
Also, this isn’t a personal friendship so you don’t need to make them happier or know why they are crabby.
BeenThatGuy
+1. I recently terminated an employee who refused to adapt to our corporate culture. We spent 8 exhausting months telling them “it is preferred that XZY is done this way” or “it is expected that you do XYZ” and on and on and on. It was always met with a snarky response of “that’s not how other places do it” or “it’s inefficient”. The job is the job. That’s what the money is for. Adapt or leave.
Anon
And work culture may be team specific. One team may be all remote but zooms a lot. One may be in person same room talkers. You have to adopt, not pout, especially if you’re junior.
Anon
They seem to be doing everything short of stomping their feet as they walk in. We have some like this and I really wonder if they could turn on the charm in the interview process or we were really desperate for bodies when we hired them.
Sarah
So this is not just like a “graduating in the pandemic” thing because we have a bunch of people that junior and they are pretty great. They don’t know formal office norms, true, but they’re open to learning and perfectly polite and hardworking. Have they interned before? Maybe that makes a difference because all of our new hires had.
It’s really odd that the whole group is like this. You shouldn’t have to grovel to get their basic friendship. Can you ask them directly why they look annoyed etc?
Anon
I’d focus more on attitude than the headphones and occasional closed door. I used to work in a busy hallway with lots of foot traffic and people talking and the only way I could get anything done was to drown out the noise with headphones. I was always happy to talk to people who wanted to actually talk to me, but that only happened a few times a day, compared to nearly nonstop other noise. I hope this was obvious from my attitude, but I always worried a little that it was offputting.
Anon
The closed door all day thing would be odd where I work. It is a quiet office. Doors are shut if you are taking a call, especially if on speaker, or in a CLE. Our clients work on trading floors and would laugh at what we delicate flowers need to concentrate on our work. My vote is that your hires are doing this to push back against having to come in.
Anonymous
Except a trader doesn’t need quiet to do their job effectively. Wanting quiet for a level of focus and lack of interruption when writing or editing doesn’t make someone a delicate flower. And wanting to keep doors open arbitrarily during a pandemic when the world has stopped masking and you don’t know someone’s physical disabilities or those of their family members is also unfair. OP should address the attitude or lack of response. But the rest is personal preference without real benefit (and potential harm). Also, messaging someone when you want to meet is just good manners. For the record, I’m 48 with reports who are elder millennials, so no skin here. But I’m often shocked at how awful and ageist some of those on this board are with early careerists.
Nesprin
Quite possibly not- my door is shut so I can take a break from masking and my headphones help me cut down on distractions to get work done, but this doesn’t mean that I want people to leave me alone. Often what it means is I’m finishing tasks that require concentration and long stretches of time with no interruptions
Have you checked in on if they have the right balance of quiet/alone time to get things done vs. time required to coordinate/do meetings? I ask because 80% of my managers have had the wrong perception of that ratio.
In fairness, lots of people have gone a bit feral during covid and the new generation was trained by work from home that as long as work is getting done, meetings were perhaps less necessary.
Pest Extermination
Any tips for eradicating roaches? Live with roommates in an apartment (high-rise) and we keep everything pretty clean. We noticed the first one about a month ago. Since then, we’ve been strict with cleaning/food containment and have had the exterminator in twice. At worst, we saw a couple throughout the day and night. Now, we see some dead ones, but still a live one during the day and night. They are 99% in the kitchen and not in any other common areas. We’ve seen one or two by bathrooms. I noticed this started around the time our neighbors across the hall (who did not seem like they kept things clean) moved out and carpets were ripped up.
I’ve ordered some diatemaceous (sp?) earth and boric acid repellant. What else can we do?? Thank you!
Anon
You don’t. It’s pest control, not pest eradication. Sounds like you’re doing everything right, though. The exterminator visits and their chemical treatments are why you are seeing them more – the baits lure them and then their behavior gets more erratic as the poisons act on their nervous systems. It’s really common to see more roaches after an exterminator visit, but should taper off pretty quickly.
Exclusion and repellents are the way to go here – so you’re doing everything right.
Anon
I agree with the sentiment that it’s pest control not pest extermination. My pest is tree rats around my single family home, mostly in the detached garage and my garden, and you’re only as good as your worst neighbors.
This is also true for roaches in an apartment building. If your neighbors have no pest control, there are going to be roaches in your building. All you can do is make your unit their least favorite place to visit of all their options, which it sounds like you’re already doing.
Lydia
get the roach traps that are called “Roach Motels.” Also, call your exterminator… if you are paying for extermination, you should not be dealing with ongoing roaches! (mine has a guarantee that they’ll come back between treatments if you see bugs!).
Anon
I have an electronic repellent that surprisingly seems to work (in addition to all the cleanliness stuff you are doing).
anon
Please don’t use an electronic repellent in an apartment building–it can affect cats and dogs and their owners won’t know why their animal is very upset and acting funny.
If you live in an apartment building, you need to speak with management–the roaches are likely in a party wall and coming from another unit. Management should be working on extermination and fumigation of the building. You are doing what you can, but they need to assist.
Anon
The electronic pest repellents don’t affect cats and dogs. We have both and use them in our home, as do all our neighbors. #countryliving