Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Construct Dress
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Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- I'm fairly senior in BigLaw – where should I be shopping?
- how best to ask my husband to help me buy a new car?
- should we move away from DC?
- quick weeknight recipes that don’t require meal prep
- how to become a morning person
- whether to attend a distant destination wedding
- sending a care package to a friend who was laid off
- at what point in your career can you buy nice things?
- what are you learning as an adult?
- how to slog through one more year in the city (before suburbs)
Seriously unimportant question. My awesome MIL wants to get me a special birthday gift for an upcoming milestone birthday (40!). She’s suggested shoes or a bag or a piece of jewelry (I think she’s thinking $300-400) – but the problem is that I have an infant and a toddler and don’t really have use for a nice bag and I buy most clothes used. Any ideas? I was thinking maybe the MZ Wallace with the crossbody strap or the Caraa Studio bag or tote that convert to a backpack so I can use them with toddlers. Does anyone have experience with these or other similar bags? Or other ideas? Thanks!
Mejuri or Vrai and Oro for a nice simple piece of jewelry?
Assuming you don’t have a ton already, I like the idea of a nice piece of jewelry. Maybe something that you love and would wear most everyday, so you don’t have to think about it in the morning. I know that I love having my standard necklace when I get busy, it’s one less decision in the morning.
alphabet jewelry
birthstone jewelry
apple watch if you don’t have one
mz Wallace crossbody, see by chloe crossbody
Right hand ring?
Jewelry. You’ll have it much longer and kid proof. Decent pieces in that price range.
I love my Tumi nylon backpack.
That’s because you don’t have a Prada backpack.
I’m heading back to work in a few weeks after my maternity leave. Any tips to make the mornings and evenings less chaotic? Also, any recommendations for a pump bag/tote/backpack that’s also big enough for a laptop, folders and maybe a lunchbox? I know I’ll be hauling a lot but I’d rather not have 10 bags if at all possible.
This has been discussed a lot on the moms page.
The obvious: Prep as much as you can the night before. Is this your first child? If so, mornings haven’t been quite as bad as I thought they’d be since going back to work after having my first. I get her bag packed the night before, then in the mornings I get up before my daughter and shower. When she wakes up, I change her and feed her, then she plays in her crib with a few toys while I finish getting ready. Not too bad for now.
As far as hauling things back and forth– I highly recommend getting a second pump for the office. It just makes life sooo much easier. You will need a small cooler and wet bag to carry back and forth bottles and any parts you want to wash at home, but it’s much easier without hauling the actual machine back and forth.
I wouldn’t get a second pump until you know this will make your life easier. I basically never pumped at home, so I was able to leave the actual machine in my office during the workweek and just bring home the parts that needed to be washed. Pumps are not cheap (and a second pump won’t be covered by insurance) so I would wait until you determine this will actually help you out.
I agree with this. Or you could borrow one from someone who is finished with it. Surely there are a million sitting around in closets.
Agree new mom, you need to take it to the mom’s page or we’ll get more hate from the non-moms. But you should have two pumps: one for home and one for work. You can usually rent from a local hospital and save the environment and pay monthly instead of buying something when you may quit in a few months. Have Madela wipes and your brand of storage bags shipped to your office. I pumped, but really I did it way too long and once they’re eating some solids, very dubious benefit.
Right, there’s so much “hate” here . . .
Are you simple? The person who said it had been discussed on the mom’s page did so to point her in the direction of answers. No one is giving anyone hate, you need to calm down.
And yet, your response is unnecessarily rude. Totally no hate though, right? (Not the same Anonymous you replied to, for the record).
No hate towards moms from non-moms, which was my point, but if it makes you feel better to be intentionally obtuse, fine.
Freemie cups for less stuff in the way if you’re going to work while you pump (and less exposure if you’re walked in on).
Gallon size zipper bags and a mini fridge for your office so you can reuse pump parts throughout the day.
Packit for transporting breast milk (cooler is probably unnecessary if you have a reasonable commute. the Packit has the ice pack built in, so it’s one less thing to think about if you do want a cooler).
Does anyone have experience with IVF using an anonymous donor?
DH has a serious health condition (non-life threatening, but seriously impacting his quality of life) that is possibly genetic. We’ve had multiple talks about this, including with his doctors, and while I would prefer to conceive naturally and take the risk, he is concerned about passing it on and I ultimately feel like I should respect his decision on this. He is otherwise very much on board to be a father, so we are looking into other options, including adoption and IVF. I’m a little overwhelmed by the process, selection options, and costs, not to mention the long-term impact on us and Hypothetical Future Kiddo. Advice and experience welcome.
I have not, but it is something I’m considering as a potential single mother by choice. You might want to look at books/websites targeted to SMC. Although it is not your situation, they often conceive using an anonymous donor and may have some insight that you may find helpful.
Also, as an aside, assuming that there are not infertility issues not discussed in your post, I would (and I assume your doctor will) recommend looking at IUI. Many SMCs, which is what I’ve been researching, start with unmediated IUI, move to medicated IUI, and only if that fails do they move to IVF. And it’s what my fertility specialists has recommended for me since the tests don’t show any specific issues.
Ditto to all of this. Also possibly you’ve considered this but in case not, I’m have a genetic disease and am in the process of doing IVF with screening pre implantation
+1, screening may be an option.
Thanks. We have discussed this with the doctors and there is no reliable way to screen for his condition. Otherwise we definitely would be pursuing that.
Thanks, this is helpful! I wasn’t even aware of the IVF/IUI distinction (just starting to look into it). My fertility hasn’t been tested so no issues that I know of – would they automatically test me before deciding which way to go?
You’ll at a minimum have a long conversation with your doctor about your options, what makes sense for you, and how they recommend proceeding. I highly encourage you to go to the best fertility clinic in your area and make an appointment now to start asking these questions.
I’m almost 100% sure that some of the testing is automatic. I went in to a fertility specialists just for a basic consult, and they explained how the process would work and two tests along with a ton of blood work they did to learn if I had any known fertility issues (since I’m not actively trying to get pregnant the normal way, there is just no way to know). I don’t have particularly good insurance, and it was only a few hundred dollars altogether for the appointment and tests. I would highly recommend during this is part of your thinking process, especially since they can discuss whether there is any kind of genetic screening process pre implantation that could allow you to use your husband’s sperm.
IUI is far, far less expensive (no harvest, no need to store embryos, one super quick procedure, etc). I had some substantial fertility issues and going in I didn’t know that IUIs existed – all you hear about is IVF, but it’s a very common procedure. I was told by my RE that IUI has a higher risk of multiples than IVF (she shared that “Jon & Kate + 8” was an IUI, not IVF), which I thought was an interesting note. Our plan of action after my anatomical issues were corrected out (misshaped uterus and some other issues) was 3 rounds of IUI followed by IVF if needed. My daughter was conceived successfully via IUI on attempt #3. A lot of the reason #1 and #2 didn’t work was because they had to get my medications figured out. Now, when we try for #2, they said there’s a reasonable expectation it will work on #1 since my dosage is figured out.
FWIW, our insurance required 3 rounds of IUI before trying IVF. Not sure insurance would come into play given your situation or not.
Any respectable physician will monitor you while you do IUI. You should be getting ultrasound monitoring to verify how many follicles were stimulated in a round and if you have 8(!) then you would wait out the round and not do the IUI that month. They usually monitor you and adjust med levels mid-round so you don’t get to that point, too. So, sure, multiples are a risk, but it’s not like you’re really risking 8.
I don’t have experience with donor IVF, but I do have experience with IVF with a male factor infertility issue–where I had no fertility issues. They did do blood testing, and I’d had a dye test before he was diagnosed, but otherwise I didn’t do anything else. I would anticipate them doing the blood tests at least to see how your hormones are (they did that even for my second IVF after a successful first one). I would think you’d want to do IUI though. I’ve had both–an IUI before we realized how significant my husband’s issues were (his counts were so low the IUI had a “substantially less than 1%” chance of working–we only went ahead because I was already ready to go), and then two IVF/ICSI procedures (ICSI because his count was very low–regular IVF would just not have worked ever for us). IUI is kind of a cakewalk in comparison to IVF. It’s like one shot and then what you’d think of as the “turkey baster” method. IVF requires you to give yourself a bunch of shots in the stomach, have eggs retrieved, fertilized in a petri dish, and then transferred. There’s no reason for it if there isn’t an issue with fertility by either party (i.e., you don’t have an issue and the donor doesn’t have an issue). You just want to get pregnant without gardening, so IUI is probably the best bet.
Contact a reproductive endochronologist to discuss your options.
The SMC materials also often discuss the option of adoption, and how to choose between adoption and donor sperm. Since it sounds like you are still in the thinking stages, the materials may also be helpful for that. I assume that their are similar materials for lesbian couples, but haven’t look in to them because that’s not my situation. Because, any community that is designed around building a family in a non-traditional manner will often discuss these issues.
I never even heard of IUI before today. I do want to have my own baby so I just need a decent donor who’s sperm I can get implanted w/o having any gardening with him. I will talk to my OBGYN when I go for my exam next month. I hope this will work b/c I am going to be 39 soon and time is getting to short. I do NOT regret getting rid of my ex, as he was even shorter. FOOEY!
Do you have any recommendations for good websites/books?
While I used IVF to have my son, I don’t have firsthand experience on the donor point, which I know has its own set of complications. I just wanted to mention (though perhaps you already know this) that if you are using donor sperm, you don’t have to go straight to IVF. Depending on your own reproductive health, IUI would be the reasonable first step, which is considerably less costly and invasive than IVF. One of my best friends conceived her daughter via donor IUI as a single mom by choice. Alternatively, I know for some conditions (and in some countries) it can also be an option to go through the IVF process and screen embryos for a particular genetic condition, depending on the health concerns at play.
I make this suggestion all the time, but I’d suggest checking out reddit’s infertility communities — they’re low on the cutesy nicknames and big on science and experience. To my recollection, they have a number of members and sub-communities dealing with donor gametes.
It seems like talking with a genetic counselor might be a good first step if you haven’t done so already. When you do IVF, you can screen embyros for some things through PGS or PGD testing. If your husband’s condition would be identified through this testing, then it could offer you a way to have a child using both of your genetic material without the risk of passing down the condition.
I don’t see why you would consider IUI given the information you have now. IUI doesn’t offer any advantage over s*x to screening embryos — you would be taking the same risk your husband is worried about with trying on your own. It just provides a boost for the sp*rm and a boost for you (if you do any meds that increase number of eggs released — you can also do unmedicated IUI).
In terms of looking at your fertility, possible tests would be bloodwork to look at hormone levels, a transv*ginal ultrasound around day 3 to see how many early follicles you have — all this info could give info about your ovarian reserve — and a special x-ray that looks at your fallopian tubes for blockages (HSG).
People are suggesting IUI with donor sperm instead of IVF, because it’s possible she has no fertility issues. Not IUI with her husband.
Yes, responded below (mod is ridic) that on this Monday morning, wasn’t thinking that far ahead.
To be clear, I think starting with IUI could be reasonable w/donor sp*rm. My response above is talking about if you would want to explore options with your husband’s.
A friend did IVF with her husband’s banked sp*rm. I think IUI would have been an option, since there were no fertility issues, but cost wasn’t a factor for them and they just wanted a kid as fast as possible so they went straight to IVF. She had a very positive experience and is doing it again now.
If you do end up going the IVF route, I highly recommend exploring doing it abroad. There are many countries with high success rates where the cost of IVF + travel is significantly cheaper than doing IVF in the US down the street from your house.
As a piggyback to this, you may not even need to go as far as abroad – CNY Fertility (in NY) has ridiculously good prices, and you can do remote monitoring from home at a local clinic. So you would just need to fly out for egg retrieval and then transfer (if you do a frozen transfer; or you can just stay there if you are doing a fresh transfer). They do have a long wait so I’d recommend getting on the list now (you can always cancel). WSJ did a great article on them last year.
I conceived my child using donor sp*rm, but as a single parent rather than part of a couple. A few thoughts:
(1) You should consult a competent reproductive endocrinologist, but don’t feel like you need the best one in town (since you do not have fertility issues). The people telling you that IUI is almost certainly a better option for you are spot-on. There is no reason to undertake the expensive and physically difficult route of IVF when you have no fertility issues. IUI just requires you to track your ovulation (using a kit) and go to the doctor 1-2 times per month for a quick procedure (literally 15 minutes). The only reason you cannot just use your regular OB/GYN is that you need someone with weekend hours.
(2) The poster above whose doctor said there is a higher risk of multiples with IUI had a doctor who was an idiot. The higher risk is only if you are taking fertility drugs and (again) since you do not have fertility issues there is no reason to take those drugs. Also note that because it is so expensive and the failure rate so high, most people implant more than one embryo at a time when they do IVF.
(3) I highly recommend doing some reading on the subject and particularly on how to speak to your child about it. There is a pretty active on-line community of donor conceived children who are horribly angry. Every single one of them that I have ever read found out as teens/adults. You should be sure you and your husband are on the same page about that.
(4) An interesting exercise – talk to your spouse about what you are looking for in a donor. One who looks like you? One who looks like him? There is no right or wrong answer, but the discussion can be illuminating.
Good luck!
One thing to keep in mind is the impact on the child. I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m just saying research it and be aware of what to address. We are in the process of waiting to be matched for adoption and as part of our education or that had to learn about a lot of emotional issues adoptees face. The research is starting to suggest that children born of donors go through the same issues. There are reddit threads dedicated to it. You want to know how to address it if it comes up. Current research for adoptees is to tell them the day they come to your home and make it part of their permanent story so there is never a time that they don’t know they were adopted. There is never a “reveal.”
This is the advice for donor conception too – to make it part of the kids’ story from the beginning. Kids who find out later in life tend to have more resentment than those who find out early.
I’m currently pregnant with a donor sperm baby after IVF (I started with IUIs, they didn’t work, moved onto IVF). Happy to answer questions about the medical process or the donor choosing process if you have specifics. I do think it makes sense to start with IUI most of the time but one thing to keep in mind is that, while there’s not hard evidence on this, there’s at least some anecdotal evidence that previously frozen sperm is less effective than fresh sperm, so IUI may be less likely to work.
I just saw Bethany Hamilton’s new documentary in theaters yesterday and would highly recommend it. It’s amazing to see a woman who is not only a shark attack survivor but a world class surfer constantly defy expectations. She surfed some of the biggest and most infamous waves in the world throughout pregnancy and postpartum and to top it off, her husband is a (super attractive) stay-at-home dad who focuses on supporting her. I mean, she literally comes in from defeating the current world champion in a professional contest to nurse her son in between heats. She and her husband also surf together casually post-baby. As someone who is concerned about maintaining my own passions and my relationship with my husband if we have kids, I found her example very encouraging and would recommend the movie even if you’re not interested in surfing specifically. It touches on so many themes – motherhood, risk-taking in childhood and as an adult, confidence, competition, and a lot more. Really feeling inspired today.
Thanks for the recommendation! I am feeling rather crummy about myself (end of first trimester): my job is great and sees me as a lawyer who can also have a baby, my husband is ridiculously supportive, and I’m still running, just more slowly and less distance. But it’s like every other person around me sees me as a baby factory, and it’s just a gut punch. Since when is the *only* important thing about me the contents of my womb?
Sorry.
Anyway, I need to see that documentary.
You should! It sounds perfect for reinforcing what you already know – you can accomplish so much more during pregnancy than you think. Glad your partner and work are supportive at least.
Accomplishing things during pregnancy, yes, and still being me. I don’t cease having a brain, hobbies, political ambitions, or a strong body because I’m pregnant (the latter changes but exercise during pregnancy is good for about a million reasons).
It’s so great to see women who are still themselves when they have babies. Their days look a bit different and a lot busier, they have a new priority, but they are still doing their thing because they still matter.
And such a contrast with Free Solo, which made me think he needs to be barred from national parks and committed.
I liked Free Solo and think Honnold is cool, but I think Unstoppable is the better story. Hamilton is one of the top female surfers in the world and you can barely tell she has one arm when she’s on the board. It’s totally wild.
Thanks for the rec! Sounds like it would pair nicely with Beth Rodden’s recent article in the NYT about professional climbing after motherhood.
I want to see this! 14 weeks today and still powerlifting, among other things.
Seems like age 25 and law school graduation was a year ago, really it’s been 14 years and I feel like I haven’t done anything in life. It just hasn’t been fun — it’s just go to work and come home (this was true in biglaw and even now in gov’t). It’s just one giant slog and I’m feeling like, how am I going to do this for decades?
I’ve felt this way for a while but honestly it hit when I saw a much younger cousin (age 23) post pics from his med school orientation, going out with new classmates after. It’s like his life is just starting. He can do anything he wants. OTOH I feel stuck on this slog that feels unchangeable at age 39. How are the 40s-50s not going to be worse?
Is this a mid life crisis? Depression? Do I just need a vacation?
This is depression. Go to therapy. There is so much hope.
All I can tell you is that I’m a mere 20 days from turning 39, and practically every 39-year-old woman I know is asking herself the same existential questions. I don’t think it’s depression (at least not entirely), but I think it is very normal to start asking hard questions and looking for the deeper meaning in your life around this time. My therapist confirms this is the case. ;)
+1. 39 year old lawyer here. I’ve been going through a “what does it all mean” thing for almost a year now.
Midlife crisis is definitely possible. Have you done things you’re proud of outside of work? Sometimes we have this overblown sense that work is supposed to be fulfilling, when in reality, it’s okay for it to just be what allows us to live the rest of our lives.
“Sometimes we have this overblown sense that work is supposed to be fulfilling, when in reality, it’s okay for it to just be what allows us to live the rest of our lives.”
YES THIS. Once I shifted to this mentality, my life improved drastically – I don’t look for personal fulfillment at work, and it actually made me more objective/better at my job. I also save more money now and have become very interested in FIRE. I realized I am proud of my hobbies and the fitness goals I have reached, and want to spent all my time devoted to that, time with my husband, and travel.
I’m early forties, but do not feel like it at all.
Do you have any hobbies? When I start feeling that way, it is a sign that I’m spending too much time watch TV and not enough time engaging in activities I enjoy and seeing friends. So, I’ll then try a new exercise program (I just started kickboxing); make sure I have fun plans for at least 1 day on the weekend (new museum exhibit, day trip to a new city, new hike, etc); pick up a new hobby (cooking new thing); or otherwise make a change to my life/make a new plan to make it more exciting.
Yes, I will probably/hopefully never be at a completely new stage again. But that doesn’t mean I need to feel like my life is the same day in and day out, with nothing fun to look forward to.
+1. I was feeling so blah and down but I booked a surfing lesson and literally the moment I got in the water, I felt better. I’m really sensitive to too much time vegging our with TV/recovering from the work day and I need fun physical hobbies to get that spark lit again. If that’s the same for you, I really recommend finding 1-3 hobbies/activities you enjoy that you can do weekly.
I feel the same way. Sometimes I’m standing at the sink brushing my teeth and I think “Didn’t I just do this yesterday?”
Sometimes life does feel quite repetitive. I volunteer and that helps a bit with finding some purpose and feeling like I’m doing something positive with my time and energy.
You mentioned that your cousin is young and can do anything he wants. What about you? What are things you want to do? Maybe take small steps to try and make one of those things happen.
Hobbies! Community service! Ditto the poster above who said that the idea that our work is supposed to be fulfilling is a load of horse hockey. Life is fulfilling because of relationships and experiences, not what you do at the office. And I also echo the other poster who mentioned having one fun activity per weekend planned – a hike, a museum, a local festival/fair, whatever floats your boat.
Greetings from 55. I find taking care of myself helps — I walk and swim and they lift my mood and help with resilience. I also find doing something each weekend helpful. It doesn’t need to be major— going out for a meal, going to the park, etc.
I mean, yeah. This is modern life. Very few of us are independently wealthy so we go to work to support ourselves. Maybe you’re depressed, maybe not, but you certainly shouldn’t feel singled out that you have to go to work every day. Just about everyone has to go to work every day.
It’s still too much though.
This isn’t necessarily depression, it could just be the reality of life in law. I’m almost 20 years in, just got my big GC job, and seriously, if I never saw law or a contract again in my life that would be fine. Too much of what preceded this was also a giant slog (sometimes for shitty people). This is never what “I” “wanted” so there wasn’t much to get disillusioned about, but this is the reality of a career in law for a lot of people.
That said, if getting some help gets you to plan to get out, please do get help and get unstuck.
Also, I found that moving in-house helped as more people in-house (in my experience) see the work as a job and life outside of the job as where excitement happens, versus the crazy law firm people who claim that billable hours are life (they are not). Being able to drop that “yay, I love working myself to death to enrich you losers!” BS helped me, also not having to try to pretend that I wanted to be a partner (when I do not ever want to be a law firm partner, anywhere). The more honesty we can have in our lives, the better. When I could not be honest and had to pretend that working at a lawfirm was anything but torture that repulsed me, life improved greatly.
Super-duper cosign that feeling more connected to my work product as an in-house person has made a huge difference for me. I’ve been in law firms for a very long time, first as staff, then as an atty. I always knew I didn’t want to be a partner. Working in-house (solo counsel at a late stage startup) has made me feel appreciated and connected to my work in a way that is much stronger than in firms.
And yes, the “I just turned 40, I’m not sure I thought I would be exactly where I am now” self-examination (if not really a crisis) is totally a thing.
Can you do pro bono? Or some really active mentoring? Sometimes those things help me reconnect with the purpose of being a lawyer in spite of all the tedium.
Turning 39 this week myself so I totally get how you feel. I’ve been experiencing the same pangs when I meet people in their early 20s. They have their whole lives ahead of them! It’s so exciting! They can do anything! But then I remember how that time ACTUALLY felt. It wasn’t all great. Sure, I could do whatever I wanted… but I was constantly worried I’d never establish a career and I was broke, so I didn’t feel like I had lots of options. And yes, there were more people to date and it was easier to maintain my weight, but if I’m being honest, a lot of my time was spent on people and situations that weren’t truly fun and life-giving.
There was so much pressure to go along with the crowd and go out all the time. So much time spent on relationships and friendships that didn’t matter. Now it’s so much better. I stay in and read a book if I want to, go out when I feel like it, and I get to choose who I let into my life. I love that in my late 30s, I am truly the architect of my own life.
And you are, too. It might be hard to see because you’re in the thick of that slog. But you can still do anything you want. You can change everything if you want to. There’s more at stake at 39 than at, say, 22. But you also have wisdom that no 22-year-old has. It will help you make smarter choices.
I recommend starting by taking a day or two off to look at your life. What can change? Give yourself the freedom to explore new possibilities without actually doing them. Just write it all down. What else could you do? What might you try? On a related note, I really enjoyed that Design Your Life book from the Stanford profs. They employ the system of design thinking to rethink career paths. It really helps to start imagining the different directions you could go.
I promise that you are not stuck. It might feel that way, but as long as you are alive, you can make whatever changes you want. Give yourself permission to take a small leap and start moving in a new direction.
+1 million that youth looks a lot more fun from the outside than it actually was. That time in my life was a mess! (I’m 37).
Anecdote that speaks to this: a few weeks ago, I was waiting in line to pay at Sephora. In front of me were 2 beautiful, carefree-looking women who were probably late teens to early twenties. They looked so relaxed and like they were having so much fun, and I got wistful. However, when they got up to the cash register, their card was declined. I heard one of them say that her mom must have restricted it again. They vaguely agreed with the cashier to “hold off” and then wandered away to look at other items. The cashier was gracious, but I could tell they were very embarrassed. I then stepped up as a mousy middle-aged woman and paid for my stuff without incident.
I never had a credit card paid by my parents in the first place, so it’s not like this brought up a specific memory for it. It was just so un-glamorous. I think the idea of someday being an adult is more fun than actually being a full adult, with all the responsibility that comes with it, and then once we have achieved this we sort of daydream about being back in the fantasy days. Totally normal.
This is a weird story. You got over your insecurity about not looking like a teenager because you have money and they didn’t? Good for you . . .
I think she’s saying that being young has its own problems, and it could be helpful to remember those when one is wistful for one’s youth.
I’m 34 and most of the time I also think life is a slog (because most of my time is spent at work). But it helps, at least for me, to have hobbies and people I care about. Outside of work I look forward to painting, swimming, biking, and traveling. That cousin in his twenties? He’ll reach his thirties before he knows it. So there’s no need to compare his timeline to yours. If work is a slog, think about what you’d like to do outside of that job. Then try to do make time for those things. Brunch on the weekend with friends? A long weekend trip somewhere? Language class?
I know how you feel. I think constantly lately about being in law school in my mid-20s and how much fun I had, how much possibility really lay before me (like the Sunscreen song). I think part of it is just mourning that that part of my life is over, and certain things now are just set (my profession, partner, city I will be living in for the near term). I agree with the hobby suggestion and also therapy. I probably need to go back, TBH.
If you let work be the only thing going on in your life, then you will feel this way, even if you like your job. I struggled with that for a while but came to realize that a) my work is not my passion and doesn’t have to be and b) I NEED my own activities, hobbies, and interests to be a major priority in order to feel fulfilled. For example, I love the outdoors, but I can’t just do an annual camping trip and feel great about getting into the outdoors; I need to go as often as possible. Others have offered advice about getting out and doing something on the weekends even if it’s a small thing like going to the park. That’s great if it works for them, but I personally have found much more fulfillment by putting in the effort for bigger trips. When I take the time to drive 2.5 hours each way to go skiing on a random winter Saturday or 4 hours for a one-night backpacking trip, I feel amazing after, even though it can sound like “too much work” when I think about the trip in advance. It’s always, always worth it to go big and the payoff is so much greater for me than when I just do local stuff in town. Then I feel like my weekends are FOR something, not just a recovery period until I have to go back to work on Monday.
tl;dr: Be a weekend warrior.
I’m sure the 23 year old cousin is excited but come on, don’t gloss over the insecurities of that age — will I make the grade, my classmates seem so much smarter; I can’t study 24-7 but that’s what I need to do; how am I going to pay off this 200-300k in debt; what if I don’t get into a competitive speciality, then how will I pay the debt??
This was my thought exactly. 25yo med students are faced with making it into a specialty (some don’t – 2-5% don’t match every year), paying off $200,000-400,000 of debt and then at 40yo are burned out after finishing intern year, residency, possibly fellowship. Read any of the burnout posts on studentdoctornetwork if you don’t believe me.
I’m not trying to imply life is meaningless without kids, but I started feeling this way at 36 and we ended up deciding to have a child even though we had previously been on team no kids (yes, I’m that mythical woman that changed her mind about kids in her late 30s). Having a child – we’re just having one because we didn’t want our lives to change too much – has brought so much joy to my life and definitely made me feel like my life is much fuller and has a lot more meaning. I think one of the best things about having a kid is that you sort of get to relive childhood, or at least recapture the feeling of that stage of life when everything was new and exciting and even incredibly simple things left you in awe. Some of my childless friends have gotten the same kind of fulfillment from hobbies and volunteer work, so I definitely don’t think having a child is the only answer to the feelings you’re describing. But it was for me.
Same story here! Team No Kids, then I started thinking about it at 36-ish. I then ended up having one at 38 and one at 40. My life wasn’t lacking, so it didn’t “fill something” but it did add so much to my life. I love being an older mom, too, for various reasons, so for me that has not been a negative.
Greetings from age 60! Life has seasons and late 30s-early 40s can be hard.
I couldn’t agree more that for most of us, work isn’t going to be the thing that gives life its meaning or makes you happy. I strongly urge you to find a hobby or sport or service project that makes you happy and excited. Over the years I’ve been involved in religious organizations, martial arts, dance, and right now I am super into my Rotary Club (which had the added benefit of being the place I met my wonderful husband).
Good luck and report back and let us know how things are going.
I’m 29 and about to turn 30 and even I feel the exact same way as you. On some days, I will lay on my bed looking at the ceiling thinking is this it? Is this all my life is going to be? What I do is to set out a project that I want to achieve that is concrete and do a little bit of that project everyday. Even in biglaw, I’ve been able to publish a law review article because I decided I was going to make that my project for the year and spent an hour every morning either writing or researching the article. My project now is a little different, but having a side project where I am creating something makes a huge difference.
I used to feel this way too at almost exactly the same age. I had a review where I took no pleasure in being told I was doing a great job, and realized something wasn’t right. (A year earlier, the same review would’ve had me thrilled.) I started working with a career coach and found that really helpful to change my mindset and ultimately my job to one I find fulfilling AND doesn’t take up every moment of my life.
I am close to hitting my annual out of pocket max on my health insurance due to an injury earlier this year, and would like to take advantage of other maintenance or preventative type health services/check-ups yet this year while the cost will be low or “free”. Allergy testing is something I could benefit from and plan to pursue. Any other suggestions? I’m in my early 30s, don’t have any major medical issues but also could stand to lose some lbs. Thanks!
Derm for skin check
Physical therapy for any random aches that won’t go away. I’m same age/health and I know I tend to gloss these over and ignore them. I’m finally addressing a nagging one now, but am still under my deductible.
+1. Just addressing that slight back ache or constantly tight ham string will make you feel so much better on a day-to-day basis.
Immunity levels if you have any concern that vaccines may have worn off. I ended up getting a mild form of a vaccine-preventable disease because my immunity had worn down to not great. When I later got checked for immunity for vaccines that came out when I was a kid, I found out that I still needed boosters (divorced parents not staying on top of things in the 90s, not anti-vaxers).
We met our family minimum last year. I had some intermittent wrist pain and went to a specialist who found I had the indications of carpal tunnel syndrome. He prescribed night splints and occupational therapy which helped dramatically. If it had not been free, I probably would have put it off until the pain was unbearable (and likely surgical.)
I also had my hearing screened, a complete blood workup and developed a relationship with a nutritionist. I later learned that all three were covered on my 100% preventative health coverage, so these are now in my rotation.
Just throwing this out there in case it applies to you but my DH had a somewhat optional sinus surgery last year that has really improved his breathing and quality of life. He wouldn’t have done it if we weren’t in a similar situation insurance-wise.
I had a surgery last year and hit my out of pocket max so I moved up everything I could to the same year – annual checkup, mammogram, colonoscopy, dermatologist, and I got some help with my aching foot too, via a podiatrist and a physical therapist. I felt like I was at the doctors all the time, but I also felt like I got a clean bill of health (though my foot still hurts.)
If you snore, get a sleep study to see whether you need a CPAP. Since husband got his, it has dramatically enhanced his quality of life and mine.
I’d also pretend you are going on an exotic vacay and get your travel vaccines, so when you do go on that exotic vacay in a year or two, you’ll be all set.
These are great suggestions! Thank you!!
Anyone know of anywhere in the Boston or Natick area I can easily drop off some cans of cat food I no longer need?My cat has gone on a special diet and I have probably 15 cans of her old food left that will just rot otherwise and I’m sure a shelter or food bank could use. But I’m hoping for somewhere that’s easy to do like a grocery store. TIA!
The Shaw’s in Hudson does pet food donations.
You can ask your local vet, because they might be able to give the food to owners who struggle to afford their animals.
Local food pantry
We used to volunteer to socialize kittens at a local Petco and always appreciated donations like this…
I have been experiencing a lot of weird health issues lately and think that I may have an auto immune disorder or thyroid issue (in the realm of sudden food intolerances, rashes on face and hands, digestion issues, weight loss, etc). What kind of doctor do I go to to try and discuss this? I don’t currently have a primary care provider in my city so I would be contacting the specialist directly. Can I do that? Also, if anyone has insight on the process of getting something like this diagnosed, I’d be interested. My mom has an autoimmune disorder and my grandmother had hypothyroidism, but both suffered symptoms for years before getting a diagnosis.
Get a PCP. They can run tests on your thyroid levels, I promise.
An endocrinologist
You need to start with a PCP, not a specialist.
Do you have any kind of doctor, even an OB? My OB was able to run thyroid labs and refer to me to an endo when I developed hyperthyroidism.
You could also try an allergist. They’ll be able to test you for food intolerances as well as run blood-work on your thyroid. I found an allergy/asthma clinic that was able to get me an appointment a week after my phone call.
You should get a PCP for many reasons. But, if you are inclined to skip that step, look in to your insurance. Granted this was a while ago, but I use to have insurance that would not cover a specialist unless you were specifically referred by your PCP. If you went straight to specialist, they denied everything.
If you can’t find a PCP, go to a doctor that is both an allergist and rheumatologist – they will be able to order thyroid tests and screen you for autoimmune disorders. If the autoimmune piece comes up clean, they can refer you to an endocrinologist. A PCP will just refer you to both.
Our city’s building code requires a hood / vent for stoves and cooktops (which I think is not unique). A lot of stores sell hoods that are big and industrial looking. Or you can get an insert and have that put in a more wooden / architectural surround (that could be painted to match cabinets).
Our hood will actually be between two windows, so it doesn’t have to match anything. Lower cabinets will be white. White hood? I’d love copper, but that will look weird over a stainless stove. Stained wood w/ insert might be an option (again: or high-gloss white paint). I think that stainless will just make it look cold and industrial and not like a family home.
Thoughts? I’ve always had new-to-me kitchens and thanks to a fallen tree, have to figure out what I won’t hate in 10 years with no time to research beforehand and no friends who have good design skills or a “vision.”
Check out the big chill line, there’s lots on the market in hoods beyond what you’re describing and they can be really cool – I’m partial to their classic line for hoods and appliances
https://bigchill.com/shop/hoods.html
I so did not need to know that this is an option. I have a big crush on retro fridges that remind me of my grandmother’s Frigidaire. Le sigh. Now I just need to win the lottery or have some Dickens-type benefactor appear in my life . . .
Don’t do a white hood. Even if you’re a clean cook, grease, smoke, and other particulates will eventually build up there. Not a good look.
This is so disappointing! Pinterest and Insta are totally silent on sh*t like this. And I’ve fallen in love with the look.
Back to the drawing board.
That hasn’t happened with mine.
And fwiw, this is the type I have: https://www.wood-hood.com/wood-range-hoods/p-series-wood-range-hood/
The hood insert under the wood is stainless steel.
Yes, but you just clean it off?
Yep, my hood is theoretically white, but not really, for exactly these reasons. It no longer comes clean (~20 years old).
A Copper hood is so much maintenance. Knowing what I know, I would not install one again.
Really? I had one in my former house and it had a nice dark patina (it was 50 years old) and looked great and was basically no maintenance.
If you love copper, I think you can do it over stainless if you also mix the metals elsewhere in the kitchen. Agree it is not great if it is the only copper in the room, though.
Please help me out . . . I either work from home or go to business-formal meetings and have lost my ability to create business casual outfits. I have a conference coming up where the dress code is business casual. I want to look very professional but not like I am trying too hard. It’s in the Midwest, where it will be disgustingly hot and humid but frigid inside the conference center. Are ankle pants and blazers still ok? Is a wrap dress overkill? Can I bring a fuzzy blanket and wrap myself in it? Just kidding on that last one, but what do you wear for business-casual conferences?
I wear business attire that is not a suit. In my experience, people do dress up a bit more than “business casual.”
I like to wear a dress with a non-matching jacket. The dress alone, even if it has long-sleeves, is never enough when in an over air conditioned conference center.
Pants, blouses, skirts, sweaters, blazers, dresses all fine. No you can’t wear a blanket. Don’t wear a suit.
These are a couple of my business casual outfits:
1. Land’s End fit & flare knit dress or ponte sheath dress in black with a long sleeve or 3/4 sleeve patterned cardigan, flats.
2. Black ankle pants, patterned knit top (usually sleeveless) and an open/drapey black cardigan, flats.
I think in your case ankle pants and a blazer would be fine because it will be cold inside. You could go with a knit blazer to make it a bit more casual I would wear a top you could easily wear without the blazer so you can take it off when it’s hot.
For conferences I wear ponte or similar dresses with elbow length sleeves, plus a patterned scarf if the dress is solid, plus an outer layer if necessary. I consider the outside time negligible, since it’s basically just hotel –> conference location –> hotel. Scarf is great because they smoosh up small but can also go on my legs if I’m sitting and freezing.
Has anyone else been let down by Nordstrom? Everything in the anniversary sale seems to be out of stock. I blame the bloggers.
Yep. Over it. It’s either out of stock or so similar to last year’s styles that it looks stale. And there’s still like a month of bloggers promoting it to go…
I was never a huge fan, but it seems especially lame this year.
I ordered within the first few hours of early access on Friday and two items were cancelled–one of which was still showing as in stock on their website when I got the cancelled note. Neither item was something I would suspect would be high demand (not luxury designer or anything). Also, I did the in-store pick-up option to get the bonus notes and went in to the Old Orchard store on Sunday afternoon. It was a total mess. Bags and boxes everywhere on the floor and no clear line. They found one of my packages and I had to wait another 10 minutes while they looked for the other. When I got home and took one of the items out, it was a total wadded up rumbled mess with some torn threads. Also, if they are going to encourage in-store pick up, they might want to be willing to hold items longer so they don’t force people to make multiple trips. I get to do this all over again for more of my orders because the first stuff got to the store so soon.
Same thing happened to me – three items already cancelled and I ordered within an hour of it going live. They weren’t what I thought were ‘hot items’ and of course the designer stuff I had an eye on was sold out already. I, too, blame the bl0ggers as there are just SO many of them. Unfortunately there have been years where an item never gets restocked in my size so even if I were willing to pay full price it doesn’t even come around again in the fall.
Agreed. I have a card and can’t be bothered to log in to even look after hearing about out of stock, canceled orders and not seeing much of interest in the catalog. I might take a look when it opens to everyone but I should be first in line as a very longtime N shopper.
I went to the store in person with no preconceptions and came out okay. My college-aged son is working in the stockroom of a local Nordstrom this summer and I have some new insight into a) how many people they hire to try to accommodate demand, b) that the logistics of this sale are crazy, and c) how hard the stores work to ship/pull things for orders and to transfer items between stores. FWIW, he isn’t allowed to use his employee discount until after the pre-sale. Not everyone can be first in line and the employees I saw working the floor on Friday were doing the best they could (and that doesn’t even count the invisible people in the stockrooms).
It’s not an issue of not everyone can be first in line. Follow #NSale and you’ll see what a debacle their incentivizing store pick up has been.
I always find a few gems and I’m excited about a few things headed my way. Yeah, the rise of the blogger/influencer is a cultural phenom we could all probably do without, but is that the NAS fault?
Partly, yes, because Nordstrom pays the bloggers to hype it.
I’m curious how the camping trip went this past weekend for our temporary scout leader who posted last week. I hope you had fun! :)
It was a blast! Rain, oppressive heat, TONS of walking, walking with a flashlight what seemed like half a mile to pe* overnight; all worth it! The food / storage situation worked out fine. Campfires in the evening are the best!
Oh yay!! I’m glad you had a good time :)
Yay! I was thinking about you. I have such good memories of my childhood camping trips.
I’m not a plant/flower growing person. One year I grew 3 herbs in a pot and you would’ve thought I had a 2 acre garden considering how proud I was of my little herbs. The house we recently moved into was owned by hobby gardeners and they have potted outdoor plants all over, some with tiers and metal things that the ivy grows up or little sculptures or little reflecting balls. Probably 20+ and I just can’t keep up. Some are dying. Others seem to be overtaken by clover, which I think is a weed. I think I can do ok with just maintaining the yard, but I can’t do that AND the container plants. A service does the lawn/pruning. I think I’m going to gradually get rid of them and donate the garden supplies. Do you think someone who hasn’t enjoyed (actual) gardening will eventually enjoy it? I guess I feel a little guilty that the neighbors now have someone who isn’t as caring with the property and might gossip that the new owners aren’t keeping it up. Current neighbors are very close with prior owners. I probably need to just not care.
Who leaves pots behind anyway? Give them away now before you kill them with no guilt and move on.
Yes. Offer them to the current neighbors. You may come to enjoy gardening in time, but the most fun part is the planting and planning. Simply maintaining someone else’s vision that’s too ambitious for you is going to be very disheartening.
If you like the look, work with a nursery / landscape designer to tweak the design into something you can manage. Find out what services are available if you can afford it and want the look. At least one nursery in my medium size city does container refreshes as well. Another nursery will send workers out by the hour (ie, “I need 2 people for 2 hours of weeding and light pruning each”, or whatever), so if you are interested in gardening, but worried about not knowing the difference between a flower and a weed, you can work along with them and learn.
Otherwise, you should still work with a landscape designer, so that whatever you do looks intentional.
Some people consider clover a weed, some consider it beneficial (can fix nitrogen in the soil, and is pollinator friendly). So don’t feel the need to kill it if that makes your life harder.
Yes, I do think you can grow to enjoy the (not-euphemistic) gardening process. BUT – it has to evolve organically from your skill level and desire. Trying to keep someone else’s garden is a good way to kill initiative for your own. I would probably try to take stock of what you have and like, and what seems like work with minimal fussing. Try to get back to as much of a blank slate as you can and figure out what YOU want. Talk to your local university’s extension office and see if they have Master Gardeners that can help you identify/right-size the yard for how you want to use it.
If they’re nice pots you can sell them on Facebook marketplace. Big pots are often very expensive in stores, so people will want them.
For those of you with mudrooms (and kids / spouses), do they help organize your coming-in-the-house clutter? Or just give it license to become a general hot mess of a dumping ground?
We have spouse (one to dump and run; also never one to hang a coat but flings it on a bag) and two elementary school aged kids (who will default to the lowest common denominator if not verbally prompted it seems). To me, a closet by the door gives you a place to hang your coat (we have 3 seasons: fleece, proper winter coat, fleece, raincoat b/c it rains every summer day at evening rush hour) and stow your year. And I am on Team YouCanNeverHaveTooManyClosets.
Husband wants a mudroom-type setup (open-type bench with storage below and a couple of hanging hooks above). We rarely wear snow boots or take off shoes upon entering (we are shoe in the house people generally and are OK with that).
I think that mudroom will devolve into a hot sloppy mess that will be hard to clean around and will be visually like a bad dorm room (or I will be forever policing).
Y’all’s thoughts? Current situation is being torn up due to ceiling leak, so I have a bit of a blank canvas.
My mud room is a disaster but I love it because then my house isn’t.
Personally, even an organized mudroom looks messy and cluttered to me. I don’t want a jumble of coats and dirty shoes to be the first thing I see when I come home every day. So for me, even if the mudroom were meticulously maintained, I still would prefer a closet if that’s an option. And no, obviously, it’s not going to be meticulously maintained. It’s going to be a dumping ground. I’d prefer the dumping ground to be behind a closed door where at least I don’t have to look at it.
I would LOVE a mudroom setup. We have a few hooks AND a closet, and invariably, kids are so much more likely to use the hooks.
I live in the northeast and would do a long low bench with baskets. Seasonally I would do either hats/gloves/scarves or sunscreen/sports equipment/hats as necessary. We all have multiple coats but only keep one, maybe two on the hooks with the remainder in the closet. Right now (I’m looking at it so I can say definitively), my kid’s hook has a raincoat and a sweatshirt, mine has my work trench and my raincoat, and we have a dedicated hook for baby carriers.
We have an area like this put in by a prior owner. I like having a place to toss boots. It also contains a tall thin closet we use for cleaning supplies and mops, it’s nice to get those out of the way.
I have a mudroom area and really like it. Not sure if it’s a proper room per se, more of a back hallway that opens into the garage and back door, but it has a large counter with five cubbies underneath, a small bench seat also with cubby underneath, plus wall hooks and a coat closet. Our washer/dryer is also in the same room, so the advantage is that coats, dirty/wet clothes, muddy boots, muddy dog paws, etc can all be dealt with in that area: either hung up, wiped off, or put straight into the laundry basket. No kids, but my husband is kind of a slob, and yes, the space can devolve into a mess, but at least the mess stays primarily contained in that area instead of spreading into the kitchen and other rooms, for the most part. And when things do spread into the kitchen, I can pile them up on the mudroom counter or shove into cubbies/closet until he deals with them.
i grew up with a mudroom and cannot imagine not having one. i guess where do you usually enter your house? for us we generally entered through the garage straight into the mudroom. which is where we kept all shoes (the only shoes not kept here were the types of shoes you would wear to a wedding or formal event) and coats on hooks. along with beach towels for the pool, gloves, hats, etc. our mudroom was actually like two mini rooms. half was for all of this stuff and then the other half housed the washer/dryer and a closet. walking into our mudroom, the right hand side housed all the shoes, the center wall right in front had a storage bench where we would sit to put on said shoes and the left hand side had lots of hooks. there was also higher open shelving on 2/3 sides which provided extra storage. i guess sometimes the room would feel like there were shoes everywhere, but generally it wasn’t very cluttered and you couldn’t see it from the rest of the house. where i live now mudrooms are very uncommon and it is something i probably have to come to terms with not having when we buy a house, though im not thrilled about it.
I think this is one of those situations that calls for ruthless self-awareness instead of aspirational thinking. If your family is unlikely to put things in the closet–or unlikely to put things in a closet well: nothing is worse than wrestling a tangle of hangers and shoes when you’re in a hurry–then I think you may be best served with a mudroom that controls the mess more than the typical setup. Perhaps each family member could have a small wardrobe where the mess could be contained. Or the bench could be replaced with bins large enough to hold the items your family typically carries.
I think your first sentence is key for so many home set-up decisions. Like yeah some kind of shelf or a rule that we only have one pair of shoes by the door might be more aesthetic, but our shoes are going to come off and pile up by the door, so having a bin/bench situation is going to look better than a failed attempt at a prettier set up.
Caveat: We don’t have a true mudroom, but a mudroom-type setup right by the entrance in the garage where everyone comes into the house. So keeping it clean all the time is something I worry less about because it’s out of sight, out of mind.
It is set up like your husband describes: bench, hooks, shoe storage on the bottom, cubbies on top. It works well, for the most part, but it took everyone awhile to get into the habit of using it. And the bench itself can quickly become a dumping ground for stuff if we’re not careful.
Here’s what I’d say if you go with that setup — you cannot store ALL your coats there. We also have a million coats (4-season temperamental climate), and the hooks are ONLY for the coats in current use. In April, that probably means every coat, hahaha. But most of the time, it’s 1-2 coats per person, max. The rest gets stored in a closet inside the house. I do like having a cubby on top. Each family member has one. I got some inexpensive storage totes at Target, one per person, that holds all the miscellenous crap that accumulates: sunglasses, hats, mittens, my running band, etc.
I have to say, having the hooks has been really handy for backpacks.
I don’t have a huge amount of tolerance for clutter, but I think this setup still could work inside the house. But, you will have to create a system, and your family members will have to follow it, or it’ll be a mess. And like I said, don’t expect to store all your stuff there; keep it to the current season only.
I love that closets hide all the stuff, but I also think they’re less handy for storing shoes, backpacks, and other miscellaneous outdoor stuff that’s used every day.
My mudroom is a bit messy, but it prevents the rest of the house from going down that spiral. I’m all for it. I moved from a house without one, and the closets fill up and then things get dumped on the dining room table. I straighten up once a week. My kids are pretty good at throwing their shoes in the bin and hanging up their jackets. (6 and 4)
That’s precisely why I would LOVE a mudroom! A dedicated room for a drop space? Sign me up! I do love the locker thing, maybe check into that as a middle ground?
Our mudroom is totally messy… so is the rest of the house. When you enter through the mudroom the feeling is always one of chaos, even when it’s “clean for the mudroom.” We have this kind of mudroom with the open cabinets instead of closed lockers though.
http://homedework.info/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/extraordinary-martha-stewart-kitchen-cabinets-dunemere-home-depot-mudroom-martha-stewart-dunemere-kitchen-cabinets.jpg
A mudroom is basically a large walk in closet and has better storage. I am pro-mudroom.
I know a couple of folks here have considered being a single mother by choice using a donor. Has anyone considered coparenting with a friend/fwb/otherwise outside of a long term committed relationship? What would you want to know or have to observe from the guy to make this an option for you?
I’m 35 and I’ve been considering the donor route. I recently met a guy and we really hit it off. The conversation, chemistry, LGPs, everything’s great. Except he lives 6 hours away across an international border. We plan to get together again soon and we’ll try to see each other regularly as our schedules permit. He floated the idea of trying for a baby the next time we get together (I hadn’t mentioned my smc plans). I have to admit I’m kind of tempted. Worst case scenario, the guy turns out to be a jerk and deadbeat, my child would have an actual person to contact for medical questions, family history, etc., which they wouldn’t have with a donor. OTOH I feel like I’m totally crazy to even consider this. My friends have mixed opinions. The married friends think I’m nuts, my single, similarly situated friends think I should go for it. So, wise commenters, what are some things you would consider in making this decision? What would you want to see (or not see) from the guy?
I think it’s nuts. If he’s the biological father, he could sue you for custody and win. The fact that you live in separate countries means you’re subject to the laws of a foreign government that you (presumably) know nothing about it. You don’t know this guy well enough to know that he’ll be a good, responsible father (and I think the fact that he wants to conceive a child with a woman he met “recently” and isn’t exclusively dating is a pretty big red flag). Trust me, a terrible father is worse than no father and a loving, stable single mother. I think IUI is a much more responsible way to become a single mom, if that’s what you want. At the very least, you need a consult with a good family lawyer, who can tell you what might happen in various scenarios.
This is sending up a million red flags to me. First, I think it is really, really strange that a guy you met “recently” and don’t even live nearby wants to make you pregnant. I vote IUI.
Right? Some guy with a f3tish/ wants a woman- any woman- tied to him forever. Sweet.
I think she’s run into Mick Jagger and this is well-trod ground for him. He never sues for full custody and the checks never bounce.
If it’s not Mick, maybe a donor is route less fraught with danger.
FWIW, IDK how you get a US passport for a kid in this situation if you know the dad but he is never here. The staff won’t be used to your fact pattern at all. And forget your elementary school keeping the dad updated on things like report cards and school pictures. Summer camp forms will be a disaster.
I’m single, about to turn 35, and strongly considering being a SMC. To the extent that it is more a factor of when I give up finding someone, then whether I will do it alone if I don’t. And I think you are crazy to consider this!
I grew up with a deadbeat father. Parents divorced when I was 5, saw him a every other weekend for a few years, and then he dropped out of my life in late elementary school around the same time in moved in with a girlfriend who already had kids. Part of my will always wonder why he didn’t want to be my dad but instead decided to be the dad to his live-in girlfriends 4 kids. I had a great mom, so it turned out find, but I will always remember when she took me to therapy when I was in middle school because she didn’t think it was good that I hated my dad and the therapist was like, no, that is a healthy and normal reaction to this situation. Having a parent, the person who is suppose to live you unconditionally, choose not to be involved in a person’s life is really hard to explain to a kid.
And I think ending up with a deadbeat dad is the best of the possible outcomes. Go the donor route. You can explain that to a kid, you can’t explain why their dad choose to not be involved in their life. Similarly, the idea of dealing with an international custody battle when someone you barely know sounds crazy and the idea of exchanging custody with someone over international lines seems exhausting. Don’t sign up for that.
$1M to this: Having a parent, the person who is suppose to live you unconditionally, choose not to be involved in a person’s life is really hard to explain to a kid.
I get that some people have whoops babies with people they barely know, but please don’t choose that way to become a mother. Totally not fair to the kid.
I think it’s a terrible terrible idea. What happens when he wants 50/50 custody? What kinda psycho floats having a baby with a woman he barely knows? You do understand that he would then be the father, with rights to the child and child support obligations you cannot waive right? I’m 35, single, and considering a child on my own and I think you’re delusional to be considering this.
IDK — I feel like you get a lot of info re donors these days and through ancenstry.com (etc.) you can probably find relatives.
OTOH, YMMV with any partner — casual, spouses, etc. They sure don’t come with warranties (and are often blissfully unaware of family medical history).
If you are 35 and have a spirit of adventure that can carry you over 18+ years, I’d be up for rolling the dice. YOLO. My personal hesitation is that I’d want >1 kid and if kid 1 has one backstory, I’d want kid 2 to have the same backstory if possible. If you are “1 and done”, go for it.
I dunno about this. You don’t roll the dice/ YOLO with a child’s life.
Right. It’s one thing to take on the risk of having to pay this man child support for 18 years -that’s her decision. But custody, etc., doesn’t just affect her, it affects an innocent kid. I think it’s an absolutely horrible idea.
I mean, we roll the dice on our kids all the time and sometimes learn it after the fact. But I don’t run towards it.
FWIW, he may be a deadbeat who can sue you for support. Let that sink in for a while.
Find your most jaded friend. Let her run with this for a while. A scammer can ruin your life, your credit, and your financial future (and throw in your kid’s as well).
I’d go with a donor b/c they laws are clear that they can’t mess with you or your kid.
For what it’s worth, I have an adult male friend who was conceived this way. His dad was a friend of his mom’s whom she asked to impregnate her. She then raised my friend, but he grew up knowing his father. I know there was some conflict, etc., but nothing traumatic. He’s a successful, well-adjusted man today, and a very involved father to his own child. He’s also exceptionally attractive and smart, which I sort of suspect is the result of mom selecting her “donor” for these qualities!
I think you’re right to seek advice from single women in your age group, and those who have done this or are thinking about it. Frankly, married women will probably have a hard time truly understanding the position you’re in. Good luck!
That sounds very different. Conceiving with a longtime trusted friend, when you live in the same country and are subject to the same laws, is a very different situation than conceiving with a casual fling in a foreign country. I personally wouldn’t do what your friend’s mom did, but I also wouldn’t call someone nuts for wanting to do it, particularly if they saw a lawyer in advance and worked out some kind of legal agreement.
Agree. That scenario has like none of the warning signs that this one does. Previously existing friendship in same country is a totallly different thing.
I’m single and in my early 30s and think this is a wretched idea. These two people are not friends, unlike in your example. I might change my mind if OP was suggesting co-parenting with a long-time friend she knows and trusts and has a good relationship with. Not a rando with whom she has an ambiguous romantic relationship.
First, it is comply different to do this with a friend as opposed to a stranger.
Second, I don’t know the age of your friend, but it also may have been his mother’s only choice. My understanding is that sperm backs and donor sperm didn’t really exist at all until the 1970s, and I don’t think they really became common until significantly later. The widespread availability of donor sperm and IUI/IVF is a fairly recent thing.
This sounds absolutely crazy. Is this really a donor situation? It sounds like you want to co-parent with a person you don’t know well. Does he want to be involved with the kid? I assume so if he brought up the idea of trying? What type of parenting relationship do you two intend to have? Where will you live? Do you intend to have a romantic relationship after you have a kid? What would happen if one or both of you got married to someone else? How do you intend to divide up legal rights/responsibilities? You don’t know this person well at all and yet you’re considering giving him a tremendous amount of power and influence over your life and your potential child’s life. Conversation, chemistry, and good LGPs have no bearing on a person’s ability to be a good father/co-parent. And deadbeat/jerk is by far the worst outcome. I also wouldn’t trust a man who casually floats having a baby with a casual partner. Are you special? Or does he like to get other women he dates pregnant? If you hadn’t mentioned your plans to him, then what prompted him to float the idea?
Talk to a family law attorney. The advantage of donor genetic material is that the laws are clear and they protect you.
How in the world is an international co-parenting relationship going to work out? Especially when your personal relationship with the dude is totally undefined? Yes, I think you’re crazy for even considering this. This could backfire spectacularly on both you and your child.
I’m usually not one to pile on, but this is such a bad idea that it needs every voice of reinforcement possible.
First, how in the world did this suggestion come up? I just cannot see how a sane man suggests this to a woman.
If you want a baby while single, that’s great, find donor sperm. If you want a co-parents outside of a romantic relationship, that’s great, talk to your male BFF of 20 years to see if he is also interested.
I am a single-parent who conceived my child with donor sp*rm.
Please – just no. Please do not do this to yourself and your kid.
Best case scenario, he is an absentee parent who occasionally makes contact and your child gets to feel abandoned by someone who know he/she exists and does not care enough to be really involved. Worse case scenario, he sues you for partial custody/child support (he will win) and/or decides he wants full custody. Worst case scenario, this guy you know almost nothing about except that he is charming and good in bed turns out to be a psychopath. If you are interested in a co-parenting/known donor scenario, it should only be considered with someone you know (and I mean actually know) and can trust and only after speaking with a doctor (have you both been tested for STDs?), a lawyer and (jointly and singly) with a therapist to work out the inevitable issues. This is not something to do casually. And I would seriously question the wisdom of co-parenting with a man who casually suggested it.
Next month, I’m starting the process of trying to become a mother using my best male friend as a donor. I’ve known him for years, we’re incredibly close, and we have the level of trust and friendship that has enabled us to have realistic discussions about expectations, and how our co-parenting relationship will work. We’re meeting with a family lawyer to help us draw up documents to protect both of us and the child we hope to have.
What makes this work? Our longstanding relationship and the fact that there aren’t going to be hurt feelings about a romantic relationship getting in the way. You’re contemplating parenting with someone you don’t know well, and if it doesn’t work out you’re going to have heartbreak (his or yours) layered on top of the challenges of single parenting and the international legal complexities mentioned above. This is a very bad idea.
Why not just jump through the extra step of making him a donor instead of conceiving naturally so that you are subject to those laws rather than traditional custody laws? Essentially a known donor situation?
Certifiably crazy, for all the reasons others have listed. Guy living across town that you’ve been friends with for 20 years? Maybe. This scenario? NO.
I’m going on my first international trip soon- Europe, so nothing super unique, but, it’s my first. Will be traveling for 2.5 weeks. What are things I may not have thought about? I’ll be in Western Europe- Paris, Amsterdam, Brussels. Plus some time in Reykjavik.
I know this is just old hat for some people, but it’s new to mine, so anything “duh” may still be helpful.
Thanks!
-Let your credit cards know which countries you’ll be in and for how long.
-Have some cash on hand – I use my cards as much as possible bc one doesn’t have any international fees. I’d also call your bank and ask the different options for getting cash, for me it was best to use my debit card at an ATM there.
-Look into the countries to see if you need an outlet converter.
-Look into phone plans, I usually just use wifi and stick it on airplane mode the entire time. You can download entire city maps from Google maps on your phone to use without internet while walking around.
-Let someone from home know your flight details and where you will be staying.
Have fun! Sounds like such a great trip!
Get converters for electric plugs (to charge your phone, etc).
Multi-country converter. Money belt. Make copies of your drivers license, passport, and health insurance cards and email them to yourself.
in a lot of places, stores will be closed on Sundays, and Museums/non-chain Restaurants are often closed on Mondays.
The stereotypes about European men being s*xually aggressive to young women are somewhat true. I’d recommend bringing a book or tablet with you to meals so you have a way of shutting down people who continue trying to make conversation. And not to discourage you from having a vacation fling, if that’s what you want, but know that a stranger hitting on you isn’t as flattering as it might be in the United States. Anyone who is hitting on you has almost certainly hit on thousands of other young tourists.
This is such a weird comment. It sounds like you’re implying any stranger chatting me up in the US without me encouraging it is automatically a chivalrous person.
That’s not at all what I’m implying. But I do think the “Euro men hit on American tourists with abandon” trope has truth to it, and it’s good for young women to know that before their first trip so they can more accurately assess a guy’s intentions.
It is such a bizarre comment. “You’re going to get hit on, but don’t feel special because of it” ???
This is such a weird comment to me as I’ve lived in London and travelled to all of the cities listed frequently for work for most of a decade and found the men to be no more sexually aggressive than in any US city I’ve lived in or visited.
Eh, I studied abroad in Paris and there’s definitely a sense of “American women are easy prey” among a certain set of French men who hang around American bars and target American women so I get it.
Don’t spend all of your time in museums and checking things off of some Rick Steves itinerary you’ve found. Spend time walking around and enjoying being there. Realize that it’s ok if you don’t care about some museum/sight that you’re “supposed” to care about and wait hours in line for. Also– try not to eat in restaurants near the touristy areas.
Some European ATM machines won’t accept a PIN that has the first digit as 0 (zero), so it may be necessary to contact your bank and change your PIN before you go.
This. Also PINs in Europe tend to be 4 digits, longer might be a problem.
I recently disovered the Travel Fashion Girl dot com web site and her packing tips are spot on — especially the part about taking a big backpack rather than a big suitcase that you will have to lug up and down ALL THOSE STAIRS.
I would make sure you can have time for spontaneous roaming – just walking down streets randomly, absorbing the architecture, stopping for coffee & treats in small local shops.
Get a converter for US plugs (I think in the countries you plan to visit, we have the same EU standard). Keep an external powerbank on you (general travel tip).
Sundays may leave many stores closed, as well as some bank holidays (google those in advance).
The weather can be unpredictable, so if you can stash a light waterproof jacket into your bag, you may be thankful later.
Smoking is, in general, not allowed in many areas, check the restrictions in advance (if you are a smoker); so is drinking alcohol in public (eg in some countries, you may not drink alcohol in parks).
Bring comfortable flat shoes – most of the cities have historic pavements, which can be harsh on feet.
Have small cash on you (some small stores may only accept cash and you don’t want to stress when you want to buy a bottle of water; bigger stores all accept cards). You may have problems with American Express cards, as they are not widely accepted.
American tourists tend to be louder vs European average (except for Italians a d spanish and Greek), so be mindful of the voice/volume.
French are well known for having issues speaking English, so it would be a good idea to learn a few key words (so that you can find directions etc).
Also, we are very sensitive to littering in public. Just saying.
+1 to your first line. My most favorite trip was to London with my sister. We planned to hit one major site every morning, and then deliberately kept the afternoons open for long lunches and wandering.
Also find an app that will allow you to download lots of detailed maps (I like Maplets, there are others) to reference even if your phone is in airplane mode.
You can do this with google maps.
This is a crazy idea. And I say that as someone who met her DH in a foreign country at the age of 22 and made transatlantic long distance work for two years. You have no idea what the custody laws are in his country of origin. You are unlikely to be able to exclude him from the child’s life based on US or Cdn law (guessing that this is the border).
Worst case is not what you set out above. Worst case is you have to bring your small child across the border to facilitate visitation multiple times a year, allow court ordered unsupervised visitation even though you feel he is unsafe or risk losing custody entirely, being unable to move for career opportunities because you can’t get court permission, having him fail to return the child per visitation agreement and send years and thousands of dollars fighting a custody battle in a foreign court. Your ‘worst’ case is actually probably closer to a ‘best’ case. It can be way way worse than him being an absent dad. Do not have a child with someone that you are not prepared to have in your life for at least the next 20 years.
I’m getting my first ever cavity filling(s) this afternoon (after work). Can anyone tell me what to expect as far as pain during and after and when I can go back to eating normally? Is it reasonable to go to work tomorrow? Thanks. Sorry for such a stupid question but I’ve had any kind of dental work except cleanings and am pretty petrified.
*I’ve never had any dental work except cleaning
IME, if it is just a cavity (as opposed to major work, a crown, etc.) there may be a little pinprick when they numb the area (but there is topical numbing cream and some dentists are super skilled with the Novocain) and there should be no other discomfort. You may hear a drill and feel water splashing around (they usually irrigate as they drill to wash away debris) but there should be no discomfort. Raise your hand and grunt if you need to take a break. Small/moderate cavity post-fill may also be no to minor temperature sensitivity, and if there is any temperature sensitivity it doesn’t last long. You would probably be able to eat normally afterwards (the tooth is essentially repaired with the filling) but ask. I just had 3 fillings put into one molar (I’m 50, an old filling was failing and another area was cracked) and I went in to work afterwards, no pain or discomfort.
Warning – if they do numb an area (and you want this!) you may be “drooly” or have trouble eating and drinking cleanly and neatly until all sensation returns later in the day (numb lip = out of control lip). Potential to dump tea down your shirt, etc. But this also passes rapidly.
Don’t worry, I am a major doctor/dentist phobe and this is something I’ve gotten used to as well. It’s not so bad at all.
No need to be petrified.
the only pain will be the needle prick when they inject the numbing agent. And these days, they usually even swab the injection site with a bit of numbing “something” first, so that’s not even too bad. The dentist will wait until the area is completely numb before starting any work. You’ll feel vibration or pressure from the tools the dentist uses, and the same kind of water/air they use in teeth cleaning, but not pain. If you feel pain (this is rare), you signal the dentist, they add more painkiller, and wait until complete numbness before continuing to work.
The numbing takes 2-4 hours to wear off. There is no pain afterward. (At least, I’ve never had any, and I’ve had a zillion fillings.)
Yes, you can go to work tomorrow.
If it was a bigger filling, I’ve sometimes had some soreness in the area for a day or two, but pretty mild.
I just saw below that you think your numbing might take a bit longer to wear off. For that reason, I try to eat something beforehand and use a straw to drink while the stuff wears off, because for me it will often slightly paralyze my cheek muscles, and drooling has definitely happened! Also, it feels like my facial expressions must look super asymmetrical for those few hours (although friends always tell me it’s not noticeable), but maybe don’t schedule meetings that afternoon, or be prepared that you might feel self conscious.
Pain shouldn’t be bad that you can’t work the next day if it’s just a normal filling. I had my first ever cavity as an adult and I was really nervous, but you shouldn’t feel much due to the numbing with Novocain before the drilling. One thing I did that helped was I brought ear buds and blasted rock music on my phone when I was in the chair getting the filling. It was distracting so that it calmed my nerves and helped with the loud unnerving noise of the drill. It will be over before you know it, and the anxiety of anticipating this is probable worse than the actual procedure.
It doesn’t hurt, unless you mind the numbing injection. You can eat and drink immediately after if you’re careful not to bite yourself because you’ll be numb, but it wears off in about an hour or two. Go to work, no need to stay home.
If you DO feel pain, let them know ASAP! Some people are more difficult to numb than others (I am one of them) and if you don’t let the dentist know you can feel every little sensation, they can’t fix it.
Thanks everyone, I appreciate the info. I think I numb pretty easily (when I had a baby, my epidural didn’t wear off for well over 24 hours after they discontinued the meds, which really surprised the nurses) but I will be sure to let the dentist know if it hurts.
You’ll be fine! My last cavity, I didn’t even get the numbing shot because it was so shallow.
Any advice on getting more comfortable with wearing a modest, Athleta-type bikini to the pool? I’m tall-ish but average-sized in every other way. I have given up on finding a one-piece that works for my long torso, and I am so tired of wearing tankinis every year. Physically, I think I’d be more comfortable in a bikini, but I have a complex about people seeing my stomach because it’s kinda … soft. (I am NOT looking for suggestions on fixing that, BTW.) I would like to feel more comfortable in my skin. After all, nobody gets on a guy’s case for having a bit of a belly. I’m in my late thirties and have two kids. I basically haven’t worn a bikini in close to a decade. I don’t think I have a negative body image overall, but this is the bridge I cannot seem to cross without feeling really self-conscious. Like who am I, mom with a bit of a pooch, to wear a style that was seemingly created for the young and/or those who possess flat abs? I wouldn’t judge anyone else that way, but that’s how I judge myself.
If it’s relevant, I’m not into the high-waisted styles at all. I’m not super curvy, so they tend to squeeze me in and draw more attention to the areas I’m self-conscious about. I like a more traditional bikini bottom with a full-coverage seat.
My advice is just do it! I hate to feel self-conscious in a bathing suit, but I’ve found that when I’m distracted by keeping my toddler alive and/or just having fun in the pool, I move on. I also observe (without judgment) all the different shapes and sizes of people wearing bathing suits. We all get to swim comfortably! We don’t need to impress anyone with how we look. Easier said than done, but there’s no magic bullet. You can do this!
+1
I second the advice to just do it. The worst part is the half hour before you get to the pool and the first 30 seconds after you take your cover-up off, but then it’s just nbd so you have to power through and get to that point.
The right swimsuit can help. I feel about the same way you do (and similar circumstance — 2 kids, one c-section have not been kind to my belly). I find that longer-line tops make me feel less self-conscious. I found one at Athleta, and have also had some luck with Prana and even Target (if you’r really lucky). I size up the bottom, too, so it doesn’t squeeze and make matters worse with pooch. Then look around and realize that most of the other people at the pool aren’t supermodels either. They are probably too busy worrying about their own less-than-perfect bodies to judge yours.
Go for it! I am tall and have fit problems with one piece bathing suits. Last summer I bought a bikini (first time in at least ten years) and a short sleeve rash guard. I started out wearing the bikini with the rash guard over it, but as I got more comfortable, I gradually wore it less and less. I will say, the bikini is so much more comfortable than my old one pieces because it actually fits properly. And the more often I wear it, the less self-conscious I feel.
1- just do it!
2- if your kids will be surprised, wear it around the house first. My stepson’s comment about my tummy, the first time he saw me in a bikini, really threw me off (“why is your belly so…. WEIRD with LINES and WRINKLES?”)
Might not be the advice you’re looking for, but you could try wearing it to a water fitness class. I think it might be helpful to “break-in” the suit doing something that requires your full attention (instead of thinking about the strangeness of the bikini). I also find that exercise classes with a diverse group of bodies help me appreciate mine more.
I got over this by considering whether I wanted to buy the message that women should hide body parts that aren’t perfect.
all of my work dresses have had a lot of static lately. tips for eliminating static?
I swear by Static Guard — and it REALLY DOES work! You can even buy it in little cans you can carry in your work bag or purse. For some reason, all my clothes seem to be full of static. I think it’s because I don’t use fabric softener, just the softener sheets in the dryer and I only leave my clothes in the dryer long enough to warm the wrinkles out of them and then I hang them to dry.
Has anyone felt like pregnancy and the infancy years were a toll they had to pay to get to the point of being the parent they want to be? I’m dreading the whole process up to the point where my kid is around age 4/5, at which age I truly do want to be a parent. DH is against adoption/fostering unless we have health problems having a biological child and is very committed to being the primary caregiver, including looking forward to the early years that I’m not. I’m on board with having one kid as the right compromise of all things and my hesitancy to have children at all (as discussed on this board many times) but I’m curious if anyone felt like they were just counting down the days for the next stage and if that’s a fair feeling going into pregnancy.
I definitely felt this way before having a baby – I liked preschoolers and older but was terrified of being pregnant, HATED babies and wasn’t a big fan of young toddlers, so I assumed I would just have to power through those years. It’s so different when it’s your own though. It’s such a cliche but from the moment I met my daughter it was just this incredible all-consuming love and I loved even the newborn period so much. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t tired and stressed, and it definitely wouldn’t have gone nearly so smoothly if my husband hadn’t been a capable co-parent who wanted to share everything equally, but I never found myself wishing away the days or just “powering through” to the net stage (although I will say that she’s 3 now and it continues to get better and better all the time – in hindsight the first year was hard, even though I mostly enjoyed it while I was in it). I was 100% committed to one and done before having kids, but ended up liking the baby years so much we started discussing a second. We ultimately decided not to, largely because of finances and some health issues that arose for me after pregnancy. But if we could magically double our salaries and my husband could carry a baby, I would love to have a second and maybe even a third. That statement would have been mind-blowing to my pre-kid self. Anyway, I really think it’s impossible to know how you feel about babies until you have your own baby.
IMO the small years were the best years.
I’m got two girls close in age and the oldest has started puberty and the other is on her heels. It’s nice when they can tell you they love you, but right now we’re having FEELINGS at home. And bra shopping (just for sports bras). And their feet are bigger than mine.
If you haven’t read it: Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Book by Lisa Damour
I think you will get more responses if you try posting on the Moms board earlier in the day.
agreed. post on mom’s page early tomorrow.
so i always knew i wanted kids, ended up with twins and didn’t think i would like the newborn stage, which i didn’t (terrible PPD/PPA) – though now that it has past there are parts of it i miss. i also didn’t think i would like it until they were like 3/4, but did end up liking it once they were like 6 months. i do think having twins probably has much more of an impact on life than having just one kid. i see my friends with singletons still going everywhere and doing everything with their babies, where it was kind of hard for us to leave the house for a while, but now we are also out and about a lot. DH has always said he wanted kids but seemed petrified of all babies, but once ours arrived he has been such an awesome, hands-on dad. when people say it is different when it is your own child, that is definitely true. i think what you are feeling is very very common and normal. you might end up hating the baby stage, but you also could end up surprising yourself and loving it. there is just no way to know.
I have never liked kids and was relatively apathetic about having them but I have really enjoyed parenting. I like the toddler years much more than I liked the baby years, but my 3-year-old can communicate pretty well and is fun to do things with. He is also surprisingly helpful (he lets the dogs in and out 15,000 times a day). You may be surprised.
Any ‘rettes have experience with Cipralex/Lexapro (or a comparable SSRI)? I was prescribed Cipralex for anxiety and depression and have been taking it for about 2 months now (5mg and then moved to 10mg after two weeks). At first I was taking it at night, but it gave me such horrible insomnia for weeks that I have now switched to taking it in the morning. It has already done WONDERS for the anxiety and depression and overall quality of life – I feel like myself again! However, for weeks now I have been really struggling with waking up in the morning. It has caused me to have very vivid movie-like dreams that are so immersive and it feels like I am fighting against something to even open my eyes up. I snooze my alarm for HOURS and am late to work every day, and it doesn’t feel like a conscious decision to snooze. I have tried putting my phone in another room so that I have to get up to turn it off, but I just get up, turn it off and go right back into a deep sleep. I have tried booking myself in for morning spin classes (which I actually love), and I just miss the class every time, despite really wanting to go and setting up my workout clothes before bed etc. This is very strange for me, as I have been a morning person my entire life and used to wake up at 6am without an alarm every day. I don’t want to change the medicine, as it has really helped to get me back on my feet in all other ways, but this can’t keep happening – I have been very lucky that work has been slower this summer and I haven’t missed any morning meetings or calls, but it has been close and I am worried that it is only a matter of time before it happens. Anyone with a similar experience? What did you do to help? I will be speaking to my doctor, but would like some anecdotal information from others first. TIA!
Difficulty waking up can be a big symptom in depression, so I wouldn’t be so quick to attribute it to the meds. It’s possible it’s one or the other, or a combo.
OP here – agreed, but this is not the same as when I was depressed and would lie awake in bed dreading the day. This feels involuntary and like I’m not even awake enough to feel anything but can’t push past that grogginess to wake up. That’s why I’m sure it’s the medication.
I wasn’t taking this med for depression, but I still got this side effect, so for me I know it wasn’t “just the depression” that I didn’t have.
I had this same side effect when I was briefly taking an SSRI some years ago. My doctor swore it couldn’t be the medicine but I knew better. Had never had that problem before or since. It was horrible.
Yes, this is a sure symptom of the meds for me too. It’s a special kind of groggy. Not depression groggy. But like, cannot get up to save my life groggy.
Honestly, that sounds like you do not tolerate the medication. I would talk to your doctor ASAP about switching to something else because you will probably get the same benefits but you’ll be able to get to work on time. If you are already trying all those steps and you can’t wake up, that sounds very serious.
I take Zoloft and have some of the same struggles. Vivid dreams, super light sleeper during the night (wake up because of anything), but come early morning (4:30 or so) deep sleeper and cannot wake up when my alarm goes off. Switching the pill to the morning has helped me, along with being sure to get exercise during the day to help me fall asleep immediately vs. being awake through the night. And it’s a bad habit, but I’ve found if I force myself to check my phone/email first thing when my alarm goes off, reading will generally keep me awake. And I’ve built in 35+ minutes to my morning schedule to lay there and scroll and come to consciousness – so yeah, I have to set my alarm earlier than I need for my brain to be “on” in time to get going.
Agree with Anon at 1:02 to talk to your doctor about other medications, or to ask if perhaps if a lower dose of the current Rx will still help you feel better while lessening the impact on your mornings. For me, Lexapro had other bad side effects (helped the depression but made my anxiety worse, oddly), but I’ve had very good luck with other drugs – Celexa and Effexor in particular. It took trying a few different options before finding the right one. Happy that you are feeling better, though!
This is one reason I switched to a different medications. Same vivid dreams, horrible time waking up. And then I developed narcolepsy. At that point, I gave up and switched meds.
I was taking 10 mg of Lexapro for my anxiety and it helped the anxiety, but caused me to have nausea and pretty consistent fatigue, including difficulties waking up in the morning. I switched to 7.5 mg and the nausea has subsided for the most part. I still feel fatigue and have difficulty waking up in the morning, though not as bad as what you describe. It has also made it much more difficult for me to have or***ms. Between the fatigue in the morning plus the impact on my s*x life has made me think about switching medications. But, it’s nice to have taken the edge off my anxiety so am hesitant to change the meds. Good luck to you!
I took it at night and regularly had 9.5 hours of sleep every night. It also caused lactose intolerance for over a year.