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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I think we’re at something of a pants crossroads these days. After nearly two years of wearing a lot of comfy pants, what sorts of bottoms are we wearing into work these days, readers? Personally, I’ve been wearing a lot of Eileen Fisher crepe pants for my in-office days, but that’s more of a comfort thing than a style choice.
I’m trying to up my style game a bit, and these flare pants from Veronica Beard look like a great option. This cocoa color is an unexpected neutral and I really love the high waist and crisp pleats. If brown isn’t your thing, they also come in black and off-white.
The pants are $398 at Nordstrom and come in sizes 00–24.
A few options on the more affordable side (though all in lucky sizes only) are from Club Monaco ($159), Acne Studios ($171 on sale), and 4th & Reckless ($52 at Nordstrom).
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Workwear sales of note for 4.18.24
Our favorites are in bold!
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Boden – 25% off through 4/18; 15% off 4/19-20; 10% off 4/21
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- Everlane – Spring Sale: up to 60% off 600+ styles
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off $125+; extra 25% of $150+; up to 60% off everything; extra 50% off clearance
- Nordstrom – Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (on eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- White House Black Market – 25% off entire purchase; $50 off $200
Workwear sales of note for 4.18.24
Our favorites are in bold!
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Boden – 25% off through 4/18; 15% off 4/19-20; 10% off 4/21
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- Everlane – Spring Sale: up to 60% off 600+ styles
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off $125+; extra 25% of $150+; up to 60% off everything; extra 50% off clearance
- Nordstrom – Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (on eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- White House Black Market – 25% off entire purchase; $50 off $200
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Anon
That halftime show game me life. That’s all.
Clementine
It was so fantastic. It brought back these core memories of dancing in sticky floored establishments while wearing my kitten heeled flip flops, capri pants, and long silky top (with bra straps showing). If it was really cold, I might add my shrug sweater, but you don’t want to bring a coat because it was $1 to check it.
I may have put it on in the background this morning to hype me up for going through emails.
Anon
My husband said that halftime show smelled like sweaty Busch Light, and I knew exactly what he meant.
Anonymous
That show brought back memories. My dermatologist posted this on FB and it couldn’t be more true: “If you rocked during the halftime show, it’s time for your Botox”
Leatty
SAME!
A.
PREACH. Best ever!
Anon
IMO I do think that *still* belongs to Prince, but I can’t bear to watch the games when I care about them and the commercials and show are what I’m here for. This year was amazing. Truly.
Anon
The Halftime show producer called Prince the morning of the game. “Um, it’s raining, and it’s supposed to rain all day.” Prince replied, “Can you make it rain harder?”
EPIC
Anon
There’s a Twitter post circulating everywhere that says (paraphrasing) “Everyone born in the 80s was like Oh, it’s nice they aren’t doing a show for the olds anymore, like the Rolling Stones…oh sh1t.” and yeah it’s me.
anon
A similar one (and I’ll paraphrase): if you enjoyed the show, go talk to your doctor about scheduling your first colonoscopy / mammogram / other “older person” test.
Anon
And shingles shots!
Cat
I’ve been feeling that way about grocery store music and car commercials. As a kid I remember the music was always the stuff my parents loved… and now…
Anon
I loved the Sopranos commercial. This is the highest praise — Jamie-Lynn Sigler has grown up into Callie Thorn. Can we put them together in a show? I would so watch it.
anon
No joke, my grocery store was playing Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit yesterday afternoon. And then during the Super Bowl, my kid had as much interest in the halftime show as I had in my parents’ music. Yesterday may have been the turning point in my life.
Anon
Hearing Welcome to the Jungle played during pro sports games is like injecting Bengay directly into my soul
anne-on
Yup, this. At one point I turned to my husband and said, oh wait, it’s our generation the ads and halftime show are catering to…this means we’re middle aged now huh?
anon
Same here! It made me feel warm and fuzzy and nostalgic.
AnonNoVa
Yes! I may watch it again today. But it made me feel old to realize that the people singing my jams from back in the day are old now.
Anon
I absolutely loved:
-Snoop’s blue bandanna tracksuit, out there doing the Crip call and the Crip walk, just like in 1991
-Mary J. Blige absolutely crushing it out there at 51 years old! (I was a little afraid she’d rip out her extensions at a couple of points but she killed)
-50 Cent with the Heaux Couture dancers In Da Club, I am sure that offended some conservative Midwestern sensibilities and I was There.For.It. Brought back fond memories of dropping it low in the club wearing outfits just like that
-Eminem kneeling when the NFL specifically told him not to
-The low-riders parked on the field
-The thiccccc girl dancers in black-and-white cheerleader uniforms
-The older Black gentleman dancers in the Dre Day boxes
All of it slapped. It was stupid awesome.
Bonnie Kate
yes, yes, yes. The older Black gentlemen dancers in the Dre Day boxes gave me chills.
Also loved the performers on the couches jamming out while it wasn’t their turn. I would’ve liked some more pulled back shots of the set.
Bonnie Kate
Yes! I watched it this morning and was smiling much half way through. Now I’m listening to the 2022 Super Bowl Half Time Show spotify playlist.
Anonymous
Looked great, sounded great, best part of the game imo! (Right after all the snacks.)
Anonymous
Yikes, I am a Boomer and hated most of the broadcast, from the guest MMA announcer to the totally not funny liquor and gaming ads to the half time show. It was one of those decline of Western civilization moments for me. I have seen every single Super Bowl game from I on, and suffered through the racist and sexist past, but if this is the future we ended up with after all our purported progress, I am going to pass. It’s even more thuggish and more violently sexist.
Anon
This is just begging for the “OK Boomer” response, so I’m going to oblige.
Anonymous
How about actually thinking instead?
Anon
It’s not worth addressing, to be honest. This is culture from literally 20 years ago. It screams of racism, too. If THIS is the thing this person is worried about, above ALL OTHER THINGS, I’m not concerned.
Monday
I’m sure some people will dismiss this comment, but I’m a millennial and like all of the artists who performed, and I more or less agree. It’s hard to watch some of the culture looking like it was frozen in time during the show while knowing all the NFL’s issues with racial inequity (among others).
During 50 Cent’s performance, my 9-year-old SD said “I’m uncomfortable with this.” Then she specified “I’m uncomfortable with the women. They look really young, and he’s old.” She left the room with me and was ok coming back when MJB came on because she said “it’s better when it’s a woman” (her dancers also happened to be more fully clothed). I grew up totally immersed in this stuff, still listen to it, and can’t argue with her.
Anon
It bummed me out to see MJB in a bodysuit and thigh-high boots, standing next to the guys who were covered up. Decades later and she’s still forced to act like a decorative object instead of existing simply on merit the way they do. Did she look bad, no, but that’s not the point.
Monday
I didn’t even think about that! I assumed it was what she wanted to wear, because it’s such a standard look for female performers. But you’re not wrong. Maybe it’s not totally a matter of choice, even for someone as established as she is.
Bonnie Kate
It bums me out that you saw a decorative object when looking at her, instead of an incredibly accomplished kick a$$ performer and strong woman who can wear whatever the f. she wants AND DID.
Anon
Bonnie Kate, not sure if you’re joyfully naive or what, but that’s just not the reality of the music industry.
Bonnie Kate
Is it joyfully naive to just believe a woman when she says she likes what she’s wearing, feels strong and powerful in it?
Here’s what she has actually said about her outfit: “And in terms of her outfit for the big day, she has just one word: “Wow. That’s all I’m gonna say, wow. I think you want to give them Mary on steroids, just, like, the most beautiful, glamorous, ghetto fabulous whatever! We’re gonna take it to a whole other level.”
https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2022/02/mary-j-blige-super-bowl-halftime-show-fans-will-be-amazed
And here’s a long article about MLB/beauty/self-acceptance:
https://www.elle.com/beauty/a38830509/mary-j-blige-the-state-of-black-beauty-super-bowl/
So nope, I’m not going to diminish or assume that a woman who just put on an amazing performance was forced to do or wear anything. There’s literally zero evidence that she was pressured to do anything she didn’t want to do and wasn’t an artist fully involved in the creation of the show. Theres actually a lot of evidence above to the contrary.
Anon
Thanks, Bonnie Kate, for sharing that response and those links.
Incredibly infantalizing and reductive to think that someone like Mary J. Blige would agree to do something or wear something that made her feel exploited. She is a powerhouse in the industry and has been for 30+ years. It was amazing seeing a 51-year-old woman out there singing and dancing her heart out. I am 100% sure if she had wanted to do something different she would have said so, in no uncertain terms, and gotten what she wanted. I am more than a little disgusted by the pervasive idea that circulates on this blog that we know better than other women about what’s good for them (or that we know better about what’s good for all women). It’s pretty elitist and there are considerable racist undertones as well, especially when I am relatively sure there are white women commenting about a Black woman’s choices.
Anonymous
It’s a televised sports program. If you hate it so much, turn it off. No one is making you watch it. I am not too interested in football, but I think it is so important people to have common experiences to discuss. Comments like yours support divisiveness and cynicism. If you think comparing the Super Bowl to the decline of civilization makes you sound intelligent, it does not.
Bonnie Kate
+1. Anytime someone starts talking about the decline of civilization, kids these days, the next generation is bad/lazy/stupid, in my head you have lost the argument. It overinflates our specific place in history.
Anon
Anyone remember how SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU people were about the Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Super Bowl? Has anyone watched the documentary about that incident and how now we realize how inappropriate it was for people to vilify Jackson over something that, in retrospect, was really not that big of a deal? I remember when that incident represented the decline of Western civilization, the pervasive moral decay in our society and a whole bunch of other melodrama.
Anon
“Thuggish” is an interesting adjective to use in your comment here.
Anon
Yeah, that’s not problematic at all. /s
KW
+1
Anon
+2 I wish she wouldn’t blow that whistle so hard – it’s hurting my ears
Anon
You forgot to tell the kids to get off your lawn.
anon
Except the kids are 40 and have kids who are listening to Encanto during all their waking hours. (Sorry, dad, for making you listen to Beauty and the Beast in the car everyday during 3rd grade.)
Anonymous
1000% agree. It was terrible.
anon
I need a last minute Valentine’s Day gift for my husband. We don’t normally exchange Valentine’s Day gifts, but he said he bought me something small and he would feel sad if I didn’t give him a gift. He told me this Saturday night, after I tried to confirm that we were not doing gifts.
He’s on a very strict diet, so ideally it would not be food or drink related, although he likes both. Any amazing ideas? Any not terrible ideas???
anon
I should have added: I’m looking to spend about $20 to $50.
nuqotw
Fancy men’s grooming product(s) that you like the smell of?
anon101
My hubby is always happy with a box of fancy macarons
A.
What stores do you have access to? I would go with fun holiday socks or boxers from Target/Old Navy/TJ Maxx, a plant for his office, Working Hands hand cream (available at Ace/Lowes/Home Depot) if you live in a destructive winter environment, beard butter if he has facial hair, or a cool kitchen tool if he likes cooking.
Clementine
Yeti coffee mug. Gift certificate for a month of unlimited car washes. Hot sauces. Heated towel rack.
Anon
+1 yeti coffee mug. DH really likes his.
anon
Hydro flask coffee mug is better – larger size (12 oz or 24 oz instead of 10 oz) and a more pleasing (to my eye) aesthetic design. D*cks sporting goods and REI should have them.
Curious
Have both, agree.
Anonymous
I have the Yeti rambler coffee tumbler and the Hydroflask tumbler, and I much prefer the Yeti. The Hydroflask lid somehow dribbles when I drink, and the Yeti doesn’t. The Yeti also has a slider lid that helps prevents sloshes when you are carrying it. The Hydroflask’s only advantage is that it fits better in the cupholder of my Prius.
Cat
ehhhh I don’t feel like you should have to scramble to come up with A Thing on such short notice with no history of gift giving! What about getting his favorite (compliant) takeout for dinner? Or – cliche for a reason – run out and get yourself a pretty undergarment…
Anon
If you outline his strict diet, I may have a food/drink idea that conforms to it (I’ve been on some ridiculously medically restricted diets before). Also consider food/drink adjacent gifts (e.g., fancy glassware, thermos, bento box?).
Generally I like personal affect gifts for Valentine’s… the kind of thing we use everyday that reminds us of the giver.
anne-on
Special coffee beans or tea? Special hot sauce or spice kit (Penzey’s is great for this!), accessory for a favorite hobby that he needs more of (nice golf balls, new tennis outfit, etc.). Homemade ‘gift certificates’ – one night off from doing the dishes, your choice of takeout, etc.
Anon
Ok, all, thanks for the ideas. The REI near work (yeti vs hydro) is surrounded by a general shopping district that has a tjmaxx and also Nordstrom Rack. We’ll go with useful (tumbler) and sxy (undergarments for… both? me? we will see).
Full agreement that this is total BS and I already requested that he voice his changes in expectations re: holiday gift giving at least a week in advance next time. We *just* had a day off together last week and treated each other to shopping so I’m feeling extra frustrated about buying more stuff on top of that for a holiday we don’t even really celebrate!
Anon
Just a thought, from someone who’s kinda been known to pull the move your husband is, but it sounds like gifts are his love language and he doesn’t want to admit it. It’s the least cool, most materialistic of the languages and HARD to admit it matters to you. I keep trying to cool girl it and roll with the other things and say “no gifts, totally fine, etc.” and then alway feel upset day of something and wishing I’d said something earlier. It doesn’t need to be more than a thought, but I really like it when my husband thinks of me and gets something for the Hallmark holidays. I’m working on using my words, but my guess is that’s what’s going on for your husband. Maybe just change your paradigm and do small gifts.
Anon
Not OP, just wanted to say I appreciate this perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Anon
Thanks so much. The other responses about being annoyed AF made me tear up a little because I’m sure that’s how my husband feels, too. It’s just a hard one to admit (for me at least) so thanks for this and also to 1:50 – I’ve done the same for years!!
Anon
Also not OP, but wholeheartedly relate to this. When I took the love languages quiz I would always get “quality time” and then I realized that I was selecting what I “thought” the best answer was and not how I really felt. Gift giving just makes you sound so materialistic and hollow! When in reality I’ve realized it is a way that I feel seen – my partner/family/friends really “get” me and know what I like/want/need.
Bonnie Kate
I totally agree with OP Anon – it’s total BS. You have an excellent plan and way to roll with the change. But I’d be annoyed AF too if I were you. DH and I are like you typically – we don’t really observe valentines at all. I don’t really feel strongly anti-valentines, but we just don’t go out of our way to do dinners, gifts, traditions for valentines. If he had said two days ago out of the blue he got me something, I’d be like cool thanks for the gifts, we don’t observe valentines though so ya better get yourself something too.
anon
I agree that he needs to communicate changes in expectations ahead of time. But DH and I have never done much to celebrate Valentine’s Day, and I struggled with that this year. It’s just been such a hard couple of years, our relationship has suffered from external tedium and stress, and I wanted an excuse for a bright spot.
Anon
Just get him a card (with a minimal pre-printed message) with a heartfelt, handwritten message of your own.
Anonymous
after nearly 15 years of marriage, DH has realized flowers and chocolate are popular for a reason. He brought flowers and a small little box of See’s down to me in my basement bunker/office. I had a 7:30am meeting and he got all 3 kids off to school then ran to the store to grab them and brought me breakfast.
Acts of service done without asking + small token gift? Yes please. I $exted him on my lunch break which is *his* love language.
Anonymous
It has taken me 20 years to convince my husband that yes, what I really do want is See’s.
A.
What do you do when you’re in a role where you cannot get promoted? I’m in that situation right now. I report to the CEO of our organization and there is literally nowhere else for me to go. I’m 40, so I have a lot of working years left, and I live in a small town — so I’d have to drive a *long* way to find a similar role to what I do now (which is not remote-work-friendly). I just finished a master’s so I’m not looking for more education, and I feel stuck. I’d love advice if you’ve been in this situation before.
Anonymous
I think you’re correct: you ARE in a place where there is not a lot of movement potential. You have to move past at least one of the parameters you mentioned in order to get change: Move to a new location so you can get a higher-placed yet similar role, change the kind of work you do so you can work remotely, etc. Of course, you also have the choice to choose contentment, to redefine your idea of success, and continue where you are.
Also consider that if you just finished a master’s, you might be feeling lost or without a goal, since that accomplishment is now in the past and there’s not a similar thing to apply yourself to. We often feel an empty space after we accomplish a big goal like that, especially if this is one of the first times in your adult life you haven’t had a challenge/goal like that in front of you. Maybe you choose to put that energy into finding a new job in a new location or a remote job in your current location. Maybe you choose to put it into something in your life that’s not related to your job.
We often feel an empty space after we accomplish a big goal like that
This. Take a beat, look outside work for your next Big Thing, and then come back to the career question in six months.
Anonymous
I am in that situation now, my boss is in that situation, and the guy who works for me as in that situation. You go somewhere else. There are not other answers in my experience.
Anon
Are there opportunities to take on additional responsibility (and appropriate compensation) within your current role so you don’t feel stagnant? If not, so many opportunities are remote now (if your type of job accommodates remote work).
Anon
You either accept that this is the path you are on, or you accept that you will need to make changes—where you live (or embrace a commute), what you do or exploring things you could do remotely. It seems like a situation where you must assess your priorities. Change is hard.
Anonymous
What do you want? A different title? More money? More responsibility?
Depends on your company but you could probably work long term on creating a role for yourself. Still reporting to the ceo but taking a bigger role in the company.
Or you find another company.
Anon
This. It’s unclear what OP wants and I think the answer will depend.
Anon
This is key. Getting promoted for the sake of it usually ends up being a Pyrrhic victory; IMO there’s not much point in getting a higher-level title if the job doesn’t change and there’s no more money offered. Being VP of Such-and-Such only matters if you have VP-level responsibilities and the opportunity to develop VP-level skills that will help in your next job.
If there are opportunities for the job to expand as the company grows, does getting promoted matter that much?
If the path forward is going to be just maintenance (leading to stagnation), than OP’s only choice is to find a remote job, or move.
Doodles
Why do you feel like you need to get promoted? Many people work in the same job for years. They get raises and perhaps expand the responsibilities of the position over time. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being satisfied. If you’re otherwise happy at the company and, as you say, your options are limited without moving, why not enjoy your career as it stands? Perhaps seek outside validation through involvement in the community or your family/friends.
anon
Agree with this. Regardless of the size of the organization, most of us will hit a point where the promotion opportunities either run dry or are not appealing at all. I want to do excellent work; I don’t want to be a CEO. The solution is to leave or to be satisfied with the job you have and do what you can to make it your own.
Anonymous
Be grateful you have something you like. Over time, the company is likely to change on you, by being bought or handed down to a different generation of management, and at that point move,
Bonnie Kate
+1. The company is unlikely to stay stagnant and unchanged for the rest of your career. New opportunities will arise because of these changes, or it will be the time to move on then.
Curious
I also wonder if the suggestions to do volunteer work or get on a board (from the AA lawyer anon on Friday) might also apply here?
Anon
you need to figure out what you want and why you want it first. If you want more responsibility or money, perhaps there’s room for it where you are, but if you want a promotion, definitely going to need to move (locations or companies) – no alternatives there. But ask yourself why you want that? Is it because you think you should be trying to move up? It’s okay to be happy in a job you enjoy that pays well that has good work-life balance (if that’s what you have) and not try to climb the ladder.
Waffles
That’s me. I was interviewing a candidate a while back (maybe five years ago) and asked him the typical’where do you expect to be in 10 years’ question. He asked it back to me and I was caught off-guard! I finally answered… doing this, but I want to be the absolute best at this job. It was a weird realization but also forced me to think that I want to continue getting better and better at my role.
And since then, I am indeed doing the same job, but I am so much better and more confident. And expect this will continue… I still have a lot of opportunities for improvement!
HFB
Is this a thing? If not, why not? OR- help me do basic life admin.
For various reasons I am very behind on a number of medical appointments. I need: a physical, an eye exam, a dental cleaning & checkup, a mammogram & PAP, a neurological exam, and a derm checkup (I have a genetic illness – neurofibromatosis- that requires the last two). In my perfect world, there would be one medical practice with a bunch of different doctors where I could go and get all or most of this done in one day (one appt after another). In reality, I have found that accomplishing each of these things requires separate appointments with different practitioners. (not to mention the headache of filling out a million insurance forms for each of them and dealing with different billing practices).
It seems like if, say, a gyno + GP + derm + dentist + opthamologist wanted to partner up and co-locate their offices, and “bundle” appointments, this is a service people would want. (I realize what I am describing is essentially a hospital but apart from the neurologist I have never had a “regular” doctor’s appointment at a hospital).
Advice or commiseration appreciated! Also, if anyone manages to make the business model I described work, be sure to let me in on your IPO, lol.
Anon
I believe this is kind of how MDA clinics work, but they’re only for MDA conditions.
You may want to see if any “concierge care” practices offer this. They’re all about convenience for patients. (They charge for it too, but it may be worth it to you.)
test run
+1 for concierge care and if you live near a big academic medical center or healthcare system, they sometimes have co-located clinics for this purpose.
Anon
I have often said this should be a thing for mid-range budgets. All it would take is a small strip mall, with every practice in their own store front, and one central reception desk. Bonus points if it features two shifts, so shift workers could see a doctor outside banking hours.
HFB
Yes, this is what I am picturing! The central reception desk is the KEY. They could also probably make more money if they had some fun add-on stuff, like a massage therapist or even a spa…After getting poked and prodded all day I’d be happy to pay for a massage or pay to go hang out in a tranquil spa environment. My suspicion is that the reason this is not a common thing is that the insurance companies want it to be complicated and inconvenient to actually use your insurance.
Anon
I am in Nashville and Vanderbilt Medical Center took over an old strip mall to move non-urgent appointments out of their hospital location and into the suburbs. It is GREAT. It doesn’t have a central reception desk but every provider can see your appointments and bundle things together if you ask. The waiting area is central to all store fronts and they have a pharmacy inside. It’s wonderful.
Anon
That’s pretty much how my HMO works, and I like it, because I don’t want to take 2 hours out of 4 different days. I guess if I was super-picky about who I saw, it might bug me, but I value the convenience of getting in and out a lot more than seeing a particular provider. I’m not that unique.
HFB
Interesting, I have an HMO plan but maybe I am not utilizing it correctly? My experience is you have to have a PCP to give you referrals/ document your need for any specialists (eg, neurologist & dermatologist) , but you are on your own in terms of scheduling the appointments, and they are all independent businesses with different locations. Are you saying I can call up my health ins co and have them streamline this for me somehow?
Anon
Maybe it depends on how its set up? Mine (Capital Health Plan, if you want to look it up) has a ton of providers under one roof, and any time I’ve gone in, I visit my PCP, she does her thing and if I need to go down the hall (or once, to another building nearby), she enters the referral and sends me there. It sort of reminds me of getting a hall pass in high school. I’m old. To be clear, it’s by far and away the best health insurance and most comprehensive healthcare I’ve ever had (by a long shot), so I’d imagine it’s not typical, but I’d definitely hold it up as an example of something that works really well for normal, not wealthy, concierge-medicine-affording people.
Anon
Having access to this would have made a big difference in my life. My PCP referred me to the derm in the same building for a rash, but they took their sweet time getting me in, only to yell at me when they finally saw me because it was shingles and needed treatment within 72 hours. Apparently I was supposed to be capable of diagnosing myself so as to convey the urgency to the scheduler.
HFB
That sounds amazing. Kind of similar…my husband had surgery a couple years ago and had to stay in the hospital for about a week (he’s fine now!). When the surgeon decided Husband needed a cat scan, he just wrote an order and H was sent down to radiology within an hour (granted, this was an emergency situation!). Like a “hall pass” like you described.
Meanwhile, when my PCP thought he felt something weird on my thyroid I had to jump through a million hoops to just to get an appointment at a different location for some kind of scan (idk if it was cat scan or what, this was years ago), plus, separate appointments for the bloodwork at yet another location, PLUS another appointment at yet another location for biopsy (don’t worry, it turned out fine) and this is just the scheduling logistics, never mind the insurance aspect.
I still haven’t had a mammo because even though my neurologist told me I needed one (due to higher risk of B cancer associated with NF) , he also told me I needed to go to the gyno to get the order written…so I went to the gyno and she wrote something up and told me to contact radiology at the hospital…when I contacted them they said I couldn’t have it bc I am not old enough; when I said I need it bc I have this condition they said, get the Dr who ordered it (the gyno) to send us more paperwork….I called her office and never heard back. And I’m not proud of this, but at that point I basically said eff this and have just been ignoring all medical needs since then.
ANYWAY, sorry for posting so much today. And for those of you who don’t have to deal with the US healthcare system, I hope your country’s system is better.
Anonymous
If your husband was admitted to the hospital, of course they just wheeled him down the hall for a CT scan. Even in the hospital, though, where the logistics are coordinated, you end up paying a zillion separate providers. And you sit around waiting all day, because you are in the hospital anyway, and they just come and get you for that CT scan whenever it fits their schedule.
HFB
PS: Once, when I was in study abroad in Poland, I had a minor stomach issue, and the person in charge of the study abroad program arranged for me to see a doctor. After examination, the dr decided I needed an ultrasound and he just walked me down the hall and had the ultrasound done right then and there. (again this turned out to be fine). I do not know if that is the normal experience for people who live in Poland, but it was an eye-opener for me. I am 90% certain that in the US I would have received a referral and needed to schedule a separate appointment.
Anon
I KNEW you were talking about CHP. I loved that coverage.
Anon
I’m so glad they’re selling individual policies now… I will most likely be leaving my state job in a few months and hope I can swing the cost. I don’t want to give it up.
Anon
I think it depends on what type of HMO, but I don’t know the descriptive word to differentiate.
The HMO Kaiser basically is what OP is describing (maybe minus dental?). That is an HMO that is also a medical provider, and you do everything in house with few exceptions.
But also, I think regular insurance plans (Aetna etc.) offer “HMO” packages, where you still see doctors from all different practices (since Aetna iitself doesn’t have a medical facility), but your options and processes are more restrictive than a PPO.
So, all this to say, OP is Kaiser an option for you?
Anonymous
Harvard Pilgrim used to do this in MA.
HFB
I have Harvard Pilgrim!! So do I just call someone there and they can arrange all/most/some of this for me? That would be awesome! But, you said “used to do”… does that mean they have stopped or that you just don’t know if they still do it?
Anonymous
I moved away and got different insurance a long, long time ago, so I don’t know whether Harvard Pilgrim still has these types of facilities. But a number of years ago, I had the Harvard Pilgrim PPO and it gave me access to Kaiser-style medical practices that were the preferred PCPs for the Harvard Pilgrim HMO. They were medical practices that happened to be run by the insurance company. You could find one on the insurance company website, but you had to call the practice, not the insurance company, to schedule.
HFB
Sadly, no.. . at least it is not one of the plans offered by my employer, but maybe I should just stop getting insurance through my employer and pay for it myself (I suspect this would be unaffordable for me but I will look into it). Thank you for your suggestion.
anon a mouse
Yeah Kaiser is what you are describing. I don’t have it, but a friend went to his PCP because he felt off and they ended up walking him down the hall to a specialist and diagnosing major blood clots in his legs within the hour. It may have saved his life. I don’t know that Kaiser has that centralized scheduler aspect, though.
Anonymous
Google “executive physical”
Anonymous
Exactly!!
Anon
Is there a reason you don’t just go to a hospital? Most hospitals would cover the major medical appointments and then there is usually a cluster or dentists, eye doctors, etc. right nearby (often walking distance). Also, depending on the severity of your conditions, you may be able to do mammogram, PAP, derm check-up, all in the same appointment with your physical. Another benefit of going to the hospital is much smoother information sharing between doctors and often once you’re an enrolled patient they have after hours clinics on weekends or late nights.
Anonymous
Are you in the US? In the US, you do not go to the hospital for routine medical care. There are generally medical office buildings adjacent to the hospital, but each specialty will be a separate practice requiring a separate appointment. It is generally not feasible to have more than two or three appointments in one day because you can’t predict how far behind schedule each doctor will be.
Clara
That’s not necessarily true. I’ve definitely gone to the hospital to go to specialists in the US. Maybe not for a primary care doctor, but yes for many of the other things on OP’s list.
Poster at 9:21 AM
Yes, I’m in a major East Coast US city and get all of my routine medical care through my hospital. As does my husband and our children.
The Lone Ranger
I’m in a small East Coast city and do so as well. You aren’t a hospital patient while this is happening, but the office block next door to the hospital (sharing a parking garage) has offices for many types of doctors (OB/gyn, derms, gastros, ENTs, PCPs, internists, etc) and most of them are named things like Hospital Name Dermology, Hospital Name Ear, Nose and Throat, etc.
anon
What is this statement? People go to the hospital for routine medical care all the time, myself included. My PCP’s practice is based in the hospital, and I get referred to specialists at the same hospital. There is an increasing trend in the medical office space to decentralize from urban campuses and do these large suburban campuses that are affiliated with a large hospital and/major healthcare system. Some doctors/practices will practice in both locations – urban HQ and suburban outpost – and others are only at one location. There is also a big trend in moving outpatient services, including ORs, to these campus locations. But to say that people “do not go to the hospital for routine medical care” is wrong.
Anon
Just watch out if your insurance charges an additional outpatient hospital fee! (Mine does and it’s $400, and it’s a massive battle to find out which appts will trigger it.)
anon
I’ve been doing this for 10+ years and have never run in to this issue. Good heads up for others.
Anon
I’ve found it hard to try to make this happen with hospitals. Appointment availability is limited, and there’s a hard cut off for scheduling too far in advance, so it can be hard to find so many as two appointments in the same day. And then appointments often run overtime to the point where I’d be late to the second appt anyway.
HFB
This is my experience as well. I do try to select doctors offices that are geographically close/convenient. do live near a hospital and there are a bunch of different doctor’s offices along the same street, but they don’t all participate in my insurance plan. Also, you have to call each office individually to schedule your appointments. If there was a centralized scheduler for a bunch of different stuff, it would be great.
pugsnbourbon
If you could combine even a couple appointments, that could help. I see my PCP and gyno in the same building – it’s a “health plaza”. They also have a lab and imaging center on-site.
Anon
It depends why you need to see the GYN, but my PCP does paps, breast exams, prescribes birth control, and does referrals for mammograms. If I needed something more specialized I’m sure she’d refer me, but PCPs can do most basic gyn stuff.
Anon
And on the flip side, my gyn does PCP stuff like basic bloodwork and will refer me to specialists when I have another issue. I don’t see a separate PCP.
Anonymous
My eye doctor wants to do this! I agree – it’d be so easy to just have 1 day and knock everything out.
My derm, GYN, and GP are all in the same practice but I don’t see them all on the same day. They’re all on my walking route from my apartment to my office and so I just go in before or after work. They’re also the only doctors I see on a regular basis.
Anon
Mayo would do all of this (except Dental). Any chance you’re near AZ or MN? My mom has a constellation of conditions (heart valve issue, bipolar, autoimmune condition(s), eating disorder, post-breast cancer but still needs monitoring) and they have coordinators that schedule all of her appointments to be over a day or two during annual or biannual visits. It’s essential for her since meds for one condition can influence other conditions – so nice to have centralized medical records and immediate consultation.
HFB
Thank you for your comment. I am in New England so Mayo prob won’t work for me, but I am glad that service exists for your mom. Best wishes to you both!
Anonymous
I hear you! It would be so efficient to knock out all the maintenance and prevention appointments in one or two days at one location. I have most of my appointments through practices affiliated with a hospital system. That is convenient because all my records are in the same electronic health record so they don’t have to pull from another system, but I still end up filling out new paperwork at each appointment, it seems. They have clinic offices across the street from inpatient so there are primary care practices, ophthalmology, gynecology, etc. However it’s impossible to get the appointments clustered together. I just scheduled a gyn appointment and first available for that doctor is in August. And then, dentistry is not considered medical, which doesn’t make sense to me, but whatever. So, my various appointments are scattered all throughout the year and get rescheduled often because of COVID surges and doctor vacations or I have to reschedule because of a hard deadline or event at work, or I have to change doctors because my medical insurance changes.
LittleLaw
I think what you’re looking for is a Patient-Centered Medical Home (PCMH). They were the thing on the west coast 6-8 years ago though I don’t know how much they spread through the rest of the US. I would google and check with insurance if any are in your network. They not only allow you to make one appointment for all these things, but they also ensure that each of the groups are talking to each other so you’re not getting conflicting care.
Anon
Ah! I think this is the term I was searching for above to try to describe the difference between an HMO like Kaiser (which I think is a PCMH) vs. an HMO plan from a regular insurance co.
HFB
Thank you, I will look into this.
Clementine
Just as a point of clarity: this is the concept behind a patient centered medical home, but just know that it is very loosely interpreted in some places. Thus, ask a lot more questions as in some places it’s pretty toothless.
There were funding enhancements offered to get certified as a PCMH – so lots of primary care practices jumped on it. There were different levels of PCMH which didn’t require co-location, but moreso just ‘coordination of all a patient’s services’. I’ve seen this interpreted as just ‘well, your primary care gets all your labs and results’.
London (formerly NY) CPA
If you live in or near Manhattan, I used Columbia Doctors Midtown (right near Rockefeller Center) for years, and it was great for this. My derm, gyn, therapist, and ENT were all there on the same hallway. There were many other offices as well but those are the ones I’ve used. It’s related to a hospital, but isn’t a hospital directly.
Coach Laura
Virginia Mason Medical Center in Seattle is like that. Most of the doctors still know each other and coordinate services (recently appointments for cancer and surgeon at the same time). One check in desk, centralized records. If you get a cancer diagnosis, they walk you down the hall to oncology.
Seattle Freeze
Polyclinic is like this as well.
Anonymous
For me the only doctors who has ever been on time to an appointment are surgeons, and only if they didn’t have a prior surgery run late. And imaging centers with expensive equipment to pay for, like MRIs. I agree this is a PIA, but at least we have our phones and in most clinics can get something done while we wait — unlike in the days when we had to read old magazines in the waiting room.
Anon
Help me out with a mentor question.
I am a director at a gast-growing midsize company been groomed for a higher position. I am fairly inexperienced networking-wise and socially – always worked against my social awkwardness that makes situations like these hard work for me (may be some psychological or non-neurotypical thing going on there too). So please be gentle.
Unexpectedly to me, I was connected to a woman on our board of directors. She looks amazing and has had quite a career. We met twice – she was very courteus and helpful both times and made the interaction pleasant and easy. The first time she said she would be happy to mentor me. There were a couple of months between the meetings. The second time she suggested I book her for after 3 months and may be we meet once a quarter.
Is this a normal cadence for this type of meeting or is she maybe gently trying to let me off? Is it OK that meetings are a bit of small talk and then mosy about work? I don’t want to be fake but I am wondering if I come across as only work oriented and if that is OK in this situation. I don’t want to pry with too personal questions either. I guess I don’t know what is “normal” in this situation?
I have been killing it at work and growing a fantastic team and revenue and all. I am good with clients and partners. But I have never had this type of mentor relationship and am not sure if it’s worth it for her and I guess feel a lot of insecurity about it. Noone from my background and family ever made it this high up or had such a mentor (or any mentor).How do I build a healthy relationship with her and hoe do I recognize if its healthy? Any advice or personal experience with this type of mentorship – how often you met, what you talked about… is greatly appreciated.
Meetings are online btw if that matters.
CHL
Good for you for getting to this point and for asking the question! I think mentorships like this can be a little awkward at the beginning but that you settle into more of a rhythm. The cadence sounds right, plus when I’ve had similar relationships, after the first meeting or two, the mentors welcomed a quick request for a phone call to brainstorm or offer advice on a specific situation (e.g. Lauren – we’ve talked a couple times in our meetings about how I want to XXX. I’ve encountered this challenge on my project and I was wondering if you could spend 15 brainstorming with me about how I can approach it.). The description of the meetings sounds fine – I think most start with 5 minutes of small talk chatting. I would also come prepared with a topic or two (you could send in advance if that makes you both more comfortable), e.g. “advice for building a business plan” or “how did you navigate stepping up to the the next level,” etc. That will help her feel like you’re thinking about how to best use your time. Good luck!
Anon
Thank you, this is super helpful!
anonshmanon
Frequency seems fine because you are in a senior position. Presumably that means you can handle everyday work challenges and the mentoring is more for addressing big pictures stuff.
Mostly talking about work is the whole point! Come prepared with a topic and let the conversation flow from there.
You are doing fine!
Anon
The women on the governing board of my organization are serious powerhouse businesswomen. I would take it as an honor if one suggested meeting quarterly, given what I know of their schedules and commitments.
Anon
+1
Senior Attorney
Agree. Once a quarter seems like a lot, honestly!
Anon
I’ve always found formal mentorships awkward. Try to find someone you respect, can learn from and naturally connect with and don’t give it a label or try to formalize the relationship.
anonshmanon
it may be more awkward in the beginning, but isn’t this on the more organic side? Meeting someone in the course of work who takes an interest? I have been in mentorship programs, where organizers match mentor-mentee pairs. It’s not always productive, but I appreciate that it levels the playing field to include those that get overlooked and get them opportunities to be mentored.
Anon
It is if she just keeps in touch, but when you ask someone to be your mentor and have mentoring meetings. It just gets weird. I say this as someone with a lot of “formal” mentees who I’d much prefer to have a more informal relationship with, but they started it on the advice of all the programs that say “find a mentor” so I roll with it. I’d gladly meet for a quarterly coffee or lunch, and talk work (as I do with a lot of other women I feel much more like advocating for).it’s the forced nature that creates a weird “role” layer. Hard to explain. Networking =good, keeping in touch routinely with women who inspire you = good.
Anon
Thank you all, this is very helpful!
Anon
Seeking vacation inspiration for early May. My 5 year old starts kindergarten in the fall, and we don’t plan to pull her out of school for ordinary vacations so this is our last chance to go somewhere fabulous over my birthday during the first week of May. Budget is flexible and she does fine on long flights, but we will likely only have 8-9 days to travel so probably not enough time to make Asia/Australia/Africa worth it.
(Please no “just take her out of school, it’s no big deal” comments. My husband feels very strongly about this and it’s not something I’m going to fight him on, at least not for this type of vacation.)
Cat
what kind of trip do you want? When I think 8-9 days and fabulous May weather I would think either Italy or Greece for a mix of culture and scenery and ALL THE FOOD… or, the Caribbean is uncrowded and lovely at that time if you’d rather stay on the time zone with a kid.
Anon
More like Italy/Greece. Tuscany was my first thought but wanted to see what other ideas people had. We love the Caribbean too but it will be fine to do over winter and spring break so feels lower priority for this trip. Also we do 4-5 day trips to the Caribbean, so I’d rather go farther given how much time we have.
Anon
Parent of older kids here . . .
After my kids missing school (including 18 months of middle school math that I got to teach to each kid b/c zoom was awful), I’d rethink not pulling a kid in K-5 out for a vacation. Stuff at that age is mainly reading and if we’ve learned nothing from the pandemic it’s that social learning is important, family is important, and learning can happen anywhere. If they are in school 180 days a year or 170, that’s not a material difference (vs 180 or 0 days) to me. Kind of regretting that I didn’t do this now that my kids are older and the stakes are higher and they are already so behind.
You do you, obvs, but don’t let yourself get pushed around just b/c there’s a school calendar. Often you can write up something educational about your trip, in which case, our school district would excuse the absences with some (2 weeks?) advance notice.
Anonymous
High school parent here. I agree that kids are not being taught much of anything in elementary school and missing a week or two isn’t a big deal educationally, but some districts are very strict about attendance. Where we live, 4 or 5 absences over the course of the year will get you a call from the truant officer. More than that, excused or unexcused, can get the parent referred to court. 20 absences in elementary school and 10 in middle or high school, excused or unexcused, leads to automatic failure and repeating a grade, no exceptions. My kid is lucky she went to private kindergarten, because between pneumonia and routine illnesses she would have been held back that year if she’d been in public school.
Anon
Yeah husband is ridiculous but so are many school districts.
It’s often a giant battle for kids with health conditions, and during the pandemic it’s been a giant battle for the siblings of high risk kids. I think the schools must get dinged somehow if attendance is down.
Anonymous
Schools’ state funding is based on daily attendance, so yes they get dinged if attendance is down.
Anon
Daily attendance is my state is based on something like the first month’s average #s. One kid on vacation (like you can make it into an excused absence easily with just filling in a form; it is not hard and very routine, not sure where the drama came from). Chronic truancy is very very very different from what was proposed. And is a huge problem in my city. Very different populations fill in the form vs are in contact from the truancy people.
Anon
10:44 AM the whole problem is that they’re cracking down on excused absences too.
Anon
When they crack down on excused absences, they rightfully earn the ire of good parents. Can you imagine how poorly this would play on the evening news if they are harassing kids with T1 diabetes or sickle-cell or therapy appointments?
Anonymous
10:44, not all school districts operate like yours. In ours, excused absences get you a call from the truant officer. They are very much cracking down on excused absences, which seems like the last thing they should be doing during a pandemic.
Anon
Yep, all of this. My best friend pulled her kids out of elementary school for a week to attend a family wedding overseas, which they made into a big trip where they saw cultural sights like museums and monuments, they went to music performances, etc. Very enriching for her kids and an overall great experience for them. Because it was a consecutive five-day absence, she got referred to the school district’s “truancy management office” and got lectured by the truant officer. Her kids were put on an “absence management plan” and if they had missed five more days of school that year they would have been at risk of getting held back, and my friend would have been referred to CPS. It was a baffling experience – I had no idea that a kid missing a week of school at a parents’ desire was such a big deal. The kids got way more out of that overseas trip than they would have sitting in class for a week doing worksheets, but some municipal jurisdictions and/or school districts are very strict about this, and it’s best to know that in advance. It was a lot of rigamarole for my friend to deal with and ultimately, she felt it wasn’t worth it.
My kid’s in a charter school, and their attendance policy says that after five non-consecutive missed days in a semester, kids will be put on a “retention plan” which requires monthly meetings between parents and the school. If the kid and the parents don’t follow the plan, they’ll be asked to leave the school. This is regardless of the child’s academic performance. I get that absences are disruptive but it makes me feel bad for kids who are struggling with physical or mental health issues and miss days as a result. I think I missed more than five days in a semester my first semester of junior year in high school, between getting the flu and having a couple of bad migraines.
Seventh Sister
I got a truancy notice for my youngest last year – he wasn’t logging into Zoom consistently for the fourth grade and hit five days of no-shows after a few months. I ignored the letter and never heard from them again. My attitude was basically: screw you all, you won’t open the public schools for in-person learning, maybe a CPS investigation and foster care would be a nice learning experience for the whole family on how to better navigate useless bureaucracies.
Our school district is pretty chill about absences – you can get a “work plan” for an absence longer than 4 days and it’s just worksheets in elementary school. My eldest is so anxious about missing even an hour or two of middle school that I was really proud of her when she agreed to miss school because her dad had baseball playoff tickets.
The PTA mom who is The Worst in the whole district (verbally abusive to other parents, meddling, offensive) is also the one who brags at every opportunity that her child has perfect attendance. I don’t think that is a coincidence.
Anonymous
Seventh Sister, I just cannot share your blase attitude towards CPS. I know too much about it from working with the attorneys who represent parents. All parents would be well advised to stay as far away as possible.
Seventh Sister
I assure you we were several steps away from a CPS investigation. But I’m not living in fear of a government agency that (in my city anyway) has a very limited ability to manage any part of of their caseload. Sure, they could come after a middle-class family for letting their kid walk home from school alone, but the same kid probably has a higher likelihood of being struck by lightning.
Anonymous
Teachers loooooooove this attitude.
Anon
It’s not an attitude. It’s that good parents ensure their child learns and if teachers had more parents like this, they wouldn’t have half of their problems. Family first.
Sadly, my kids’ last long family trip was for a funeral. We shouldn’t have the sad life events be what we do together. We’ve had enough of that.
And lordy, my kids randomly missed a ton of days this year due to rolling quarantines and exposures and the teachers were all “all assignments are posted, just keep up with the work,” which is really good when they otherwise in school. I hope we’re all allowed a joyful absence here and there and not just just an illness or utility (looking at colleges that aren’t local) or funeral absence.
Anon
In our city, a couple of kids are professional actors and miss school for plays. I promise teachers don’t hate all kids who miss school for happy reasons. Kids and parents who take school seriously and make up the work are treated as providing something extra that benefits everyone. Ditto kids who do figure skating (those figure skaters in the Olympics are . . . missing school). Ditto kids with cancer and others who miss for sad reasons.
Anonymous
Kids who compete at the Olympic level in figure skating and gymnastics generally do not attend public school.
Anon
Former competitive figure skater here. Skaters fall into three buckets: 1) those who aren’t that serious and don’t normally miss school – maybe a Friday afternoon here and there for an out of town competition, but that’s pretty different than regularly missing school for an entire week, 2) those who arrange a special schedule with school, stacking free periods at the beginning and end of the day so they can have a shortened school day without missing academic work and 3) those who leave normal school and are taught by a private tutor or do a virtual school program that can be done from anywhere.
The skaters that you see at the Olympics are all in bucket 3. None of them are in a normal in person school.
Anon
But for plenty of travel sports kids, they do miss school here and there. But are generally at school and trying hard and everyone knows that. We had to miss half a day for a scouting trip where the kids who got out of school at 2:15 were fine for leaving on time but my kids’ bus gets them home after 5, so the point of the trip earned them an excused .5 day absent and they made up the work and learned about ecology and it was fine. NBD.
Anon
Missing a half day of school here and there is very different than missing a full week or more. K isn’t really academic in my district, but from 1st grade on it would be tough to catch up on an entire missed week of work. If you have very smart, hardworking kids it might be doable, but that’s not everyone.
Anonymous
… there’s a 3 month summer break, a 2 week winter break, a week long spring break. Many schools have a break around Indigenous Peoples Day. There’s very little reason to pull your kid out of school for a week +, especially for a vacation.
I also can’t imagine thinking the school calendar is “pushing me around”…
Anon
Ha — we have a day that was a day off, then a snow makeup day, then when it seemed that a lot of people had travel booked already, then a workday again. Lockdown was just going to be until after Easter! I have PTSD and whiplash since 2019.
Seventh Sister
Our school district had to do a pandemic-related closure that meant they missed 3 instructional days. They are not shortening our spring break, and are currently assuring any parent or parent group that asks that no one will get “in trouble” if they miss makeup days set for the end of the school year.
I suspect they are being nice about this because enrollment is down quite a bit in our district and in surrounding areas (including nearby charter schools). While they get funding per day, per kid, someone at HQ has finally figured out that 177 days of funding from a kid is better than 0 days of funding from a kid.
Anon
Since everyone is trying to travel at those times, such vacations can get expensive, fast. Lovely for people who have the money, but as the wife of an underpaid professor who is working in a small town, the extra cost can be a deal breaker.
Anon
We are in this boat b/c we have jobs that have certain cycles where one parent is not able to take off time (basically: any holiday and the whole time b/w xmas and NYE). It’s a hard life and you just have to pick your compromises when you’re not on a vanilla schedule where you know today when you can take off over the next year and have a schedule that you can count on not changing. And this year, we have a kid who needs surgery and our schedules are now really out of my control (and yes, the other kid would like to go to camp and we’d all like a vacation). I’m not even Christian, but I’m about to let Jesus take the wheel on this b/c the people inclined to give us no grace for not holding to their schedule are wearing me out.
Anonymous
Yes, I get it because my husband is a teacher … who HAS to limit travel to these expensive times.
Anon
Grew up with 2 teacher parents, so we could only travel during these times (and obviously were on a teacher salary budget).
In my area, different districts have different spring breaks, so there isn’t the spring break rush. But yeah, generally you have to make a compromise and I’d rather take less/cheaper vacations than pull my kids out of school. But, they’re in a great school and I feel like missing more than a day or 2 would be disruptive.
Also, as the child of teachers – I know how difficult it was for them to have students miss for long periods of time. They’d have to prep everything in advance, make up different lessons/assignments for the kids who missed (since they weren’t getting the in-class instruction), and then meet with the kid both before they left and after they came back to catch them up. The school was very much NOT a “here’s a homework packet, turn it in when you get back” kind of school; teachers were expected to literally develop distance learning lesson plans for kids who missed for vacation. And, students were expected to do a few hours worth of work each day while they were gone.
Anon
If your parents are in your district, that works out fine. If the parental spring break doesn’t line up with the kids’ spring break (different district or professor parent), the kids are going to be the ones who miss.
My job is strongly tied to the fiscal and calendar years, so vacation at the end of December is not an option. That wipes out winter break. Remaining options are H’s spring break (which doesn’t like up with the county’s spring break) and summer vacation, and, with families that live 800 miles south of us and 700 miles west, we need two separate vacations every year just so kiddo can see the grandparents.
Anonymous
Summer vacation is three months long. You can take two separate trips over the summer.
Anon
The overlap between the county’s summer vacation and the university’s summer vacation is more like eight weeks, and no, I cannot take 3 out of 8 weeks off in my job.
Suggestion: learn enough math to understand overlapping sets, or stay in your own lane.
Anon
There are tradeoffs for all of the choices we make. I took a big step back in my career because I wanted to live near family so I didn’t have to use vacation time to see my parents and so my kids can see their grandparents weekly, not annually. I will literally never again have the career I loved and worked really hard for, because I made this choice. You and your husband both have jobs that limit when you can take time off and you live far from family, meaning it is harder / more inconvenient for you to schedule trips to see family. That’s fine – we are all free to make the choices we make, but then we have to live with the outcomes of those choices. No need to be so snarky to others here.
Is there a reason that you don’t divide and conquer? You take your kids to visit your family when you can and your husband takes the kids to visit his when he can? I knew a few families with a professor parent and a university admin (so a 12 month work schedule) parent with kids in public school who visited family far away (in one example Mom’s family was 500 miles away, Dad’s family was 1,000 miles away) twice a year – a shorter trip at the holidays and a longer trip during the summer.
Anonymous
Sticking to a schedule that literally everyone is sticking to is not being “pushed around”
Anon
Ugh. I put that disclaimer in my OP to avoid this debate. No judgment on others’ choices but this is very important to my DH and if I fight him on it it’s going to be for a trip that is a once in a lifetime thing that can only happen at a certain time (e.g., Antarctica). Please trust me when I say our family is not going to pull our child out of school to go go to Italy in early May when we could just as easily go in late May. We are fortunate that paying the higher costs associated with peak travel times is not an issue for us, and we travel a lot so it really would disrupt our child’s education if we pulled her out of school every time we took a vacation.
Anon
Late May has us still in school. We get Memorial Day off and that is it.
Anonymous
Of course, different areas of the country have different school calendars. I’m in PA so we get out of school first week of June and go back right after Labor Day. My friends in Texas end in May and start in August. Pointing out that in your area you’re still in school when OP mentions schools near her are done in late May is just being pedantic.
Anon
I’m talking about our situation. Our schools get out the third week of May. They start really early though (first week of August). Regardless, my point would stand if it were May vs. June. Missing school may be a possibility for us when something is very educational and has to happen at a specific time. But lying on a beach in the Caribbean or touring Europe doesn’t have to happen at a particular time.
anonshmanon
If you are on the West coast, New Zealand could be worthwhile in 8-9 days. The flight and time difference are manageable.
Anon
We’re in Chicago. I went to New Zealand as a kid and would love to go back so I’ll keep this in mind. I think they’re still closed to tourists though.
anonshmanon
Ack, yes they are!
Anon
Maybe somewhere like Costa Rica for a combo of beach and “adventure” type things? I imagine a luxury resort, with activities/minders for the little one when you want a dinner alone or to do something grown up. Family adventures to the volcano, rain forest, butterfly farm et.
If you do Europe you’re not going to get a “fabulous” grown up vacation – you’re going to get what a 5 year old can handle in a day, and then back to the hotel to avert a meltdown. If you’re not cool with a hotel provided sitter you’re not going out in the evening either.
Anon
We’ve been to Europe with her several times and are well aware of how travel with a kid is different. I said I wanted to go to somewhere fabulous, but there are a lot of places I consider fabulous. :) I’m not expecting dinners at Michelin starred restaurants or black tie evenings at the opera.
A
If she’s only 5, I’d take her snorkelling to the Maldives. You could do 5-6 days there not counting travel and jetlag. Go now while the pandemic is keeping folk away. Or go to Scotland and do an outdoorsy hiking type holiday. Our 7yo loved this.
I’d avoid trips with a lot of museums etc. based on my experience with my kids at that age. They were 8/9 before they started enjoying what I call “culture” trips.
Anon
She’s an atypical 5 year old in that she doesn’t like swimming and actually does great in museums. Not that she’s necessarily getting a ton out of the museum, but she’s willing to walk through them for an hour or so especially if there’s a treat afterwards. The Maldives is definitely on our list but we will save it for when she knows how to swim. (She does like playing on the beach but we can do that much closer to home.)
Anonymous
I don’t know any 5-year-olds who are strong enough swimmers for snorkeling.
Anon
+1. I was a fish who was taken to Hawaii every year as a kid and I learned to snorkel in very calm water when I was 6. I was probably 9 or 10 before I was able to snorkel pretty much anywhere. I’m sure there are some 5 year olds who can snorkel but it’s not the norm.
Anon
Life jackets. And you hold their hand. It’s not that tough to figure out but I guess won’t work for OP.
NYCer
A few places I would consider: Galapagos, Croatia, Paris + London (or south of France), Barcelona + Mallorca/Menorca
Anon
Galapagos will have to wait until she’s older since she doesn’t swim and doesn’t have a lot of endurance for hiking. But the others are great ideas, thanks!
Anon
I see that many could not help themselves in advising you to pull your child out of school for vacations. I support your decision that you are unwilling to do this. You and your husband have made a decision, and you get all the votes that count.
Anon
Thanks. I’m not saying we will never do it, but there will have to be a better reason than “I want to celebrate my birthday somewhere fun.”
Cat
My parents were like you and your husband. Even if in the long run I would miss only a few hours of substantive education, they wanted to send the message that responsibilities came first. I still managed to have a childhood full of delightful vacation memories from breaks & summers!!
Anon
+1
I think its important to impress on kids that schedules/rules exist for a reason, and they should be followed in most circumstances and that sometimes (often), we have to prioritize doing the responsible thing over the fun thing. But, that when the responsibilities are through there’s plenty of time (summer vacation) for fun things!
Anon
Thanks :) DH and I grew up this way too, which I’m sure contributes to how we feel. I missed a week of school that overlapped with a very long Australia/NZ trip when I was in third grade but that was a Very Big Deal and not a normal thing we did for vacations.
Vicky Austin
+100.
Anon
+1
As the kid of teachers, education was highly prioritized (and I’m glad it was!). I think there are circumstances that warrant pulling a kid out of school to travel, but they’re few and far between and a lot more important than celebrating a birthday somewhere cool!
Anon
But the right kind of travel could easily be more educational than school.
Anonymous
I don’t disagree – certainly depends on both the school and the travel. But, for the most part, travel can be scheduled for the 4ish months of the year without school.
Anon
Getting pulled out of school for a vacation was never a thing when I was a kid. We went away during summer on Christmas vacation. Do many parents really do this?
Anon
I have to say I’m a little surprised at some of the responses also. While I don’t think kids missing school for a big trip is the end of the world, since our kid started school we’ve planned our trips around his breaks. He’ll be out of school in two more years and we’re really looking forward to being able to travel when we want to and not when a school schedule accommodates it. I just thought this was part of #parentlife. I didn’t realize there were people who didn’t work things this way.
Anon
Yes, it’s pretty common, especially in affluent school districts with parents who think the rules don’t apply to them. My teacher friends find it very frustrating because it creates a lot of extra work for the teacher when a kid is out for an entire week.
Anon
+1 to your last sentence. My mom is a teacher and when kids are pulled from school, it creates hours and hours of extra work for her. She works at a very academic school, so it’s expected that she creates lesson plans and assignments the kid can do while away, has to meet with the kid before they leave and after they come back to catch them up, has to figure out alternate assessments if they miss a test or something. It’s the school’s expectation that while away kids spend a few hours a day on school work, otherwise they’d fall too far behind, but it’s a good school so it’d not something like “fill out this homework packet” – it’s actual lessons, assignments, etc.
Of course, teachers are not compensated for all of this extra work they do every time a kid is pulled for a vacation…
Seventh Sister
I vividly remember being pulled out in fourth grade for a Disneyworld trip in the 1980s because it was quite expensive and my parents really, really wanted to take us. It wasn’t totally unheard of, honestly.
The school didn’t punish us (as far as I know) but I don’t think any teacher or administrator (rural/exurban public school) there thought there was any value to traveling anywhere apart from *maybe* a weeklong beach trip in the summer. NYC was a train trip away and my parents were considered very unusual for taking us there for a few days during a spring break trip.
When we moved to Germany, my parents seriously considered doing correspondence school for us because they knew they’d want to pull us out of school for trips. Luckily, the Dept of Defense school was like, “Oh heck no, we love it when students get to travel. You should really try to take them to Carnivale if you have a counterpart at the base near Venice.”
Anonymous
Portugal?
No Face
I would do a Disney World mega trip, but that is uninspired. Stay in Fort Wilderness, theme parks for 3-5 days.
Anonymous
This is what I would do, or a Disney cruise. 5 is the perfect age for Disney, and you get way more bang for less buck if you go at off-peak times.
Anon
I’d go to Paris. Tons of museums of different types. Great food. And days trips to Versailles and Giverny.
Check whether the amusement park in the Tuileries will be open in May (I know it’s open Jul -Aug).
Anon
Paris was actually our most recent family trip to Europe. We had an amazing time!
TTC
We have been thinking about how we would like to grow our family and finally decided this weekend that we felt comfortable enough letting things happen as they will. My SO planned a beautiful get away for Valentine’s Day and did a mini “proposal” (just the two of us) for this next season of our relationship. We are lovey dovey/celebrate everything people, so this was just perfect for us. And it feels surreal to say, but we are now trying to conceive! Not asking anything, but wanted to share with someone because I never thought I would want to be a parent and my heart’s been changing for a few years now.
It’s been such a lovely time feeling like we trust each other enough to do this–been married a long time now–and while we don’t know what this journey will look like, we are so excited about a new season of our relationship, whatever it looks like.
Anon
Congratulations!
Anon
Awwww this is sweet and thanks for sharing! As a new mom, having a child has been one of the best experiences (if not the best) of my life. All the best to you on this journey!
Vicky Austin
Congratulations! What a sweet story!
Anonymous
Congratulations and best of luck! I had a similar change of heart re:kids and my husband and I made a really conscious decision to have each of ours, although with less romantic celebration. He’s a really amazing dad and a true partner in all things involving the kids and I think this is why. This is a completely anecdotal thought but but I think women who pressure or trick their husbands into kids end up with lopsided parenting responsibilities more often than those who decide on kids together.
Anon
Please stop blaming women for lopsided parenting responsibility. You did everything right, I guess? Congrats on being the smuggest married yet.
Anon
Amen.
Anonymous
This is possibly the most offensive thing I have ever read here.
Aunt Jamesina
Ah yes, the old womanly art of… tricking men into having babies? WTF.
Anonymous
Congratulations! That sounds like a lovely way to begin this new journey together.
Anonymous
Congrats! Best of luck on your journey!
Senior Attorney
Aw, this is sweet! Best of luck!
Leatty
DH and I are hoping to take a kid-free vacation to Italy this summer. For those who have been, would you recommend Cinque Terre or the lake district (Lake Como/Lake Maggiore)?
Anon
Cinque Terre is harder to do with little kids because one of the main things is hiking between all the villages and most little kids can’t go that (the hikes are quite steep). Lake Como is also great but more kid friendly IMO so I would choose Cinque Terre for an adults only trip.
Minnie Beebe
Cinque Terre would definitely be tough to do with kids. However, it’s COMPLETELY overrun with tourists, so it may not be the most relaxing/fun place to be.
NYCer
+1 to both of these comments. Cinque Terre being tough with kids + Cinque Terre being very, very crowded in the summer. OP, if your timing is flexible, would you consider Sept or early October for Cinque Terre?
Anon
Hmm. I was there in May 2017 and thought it was absolutely lovely and not terribly crowded. A lot of people day trip there from bigger cities so it was especially peaceful in the evenings. I would imagine there are even fewer tourists there now because of the pandemic?
If you go, eat at Nessun Dorma in Manarola. Great food and wine and stunning views.
Ses
it was probably not crowded because May is a shoulder season. It’s similarly lovely in late September / early October.
I would recommend it in those edge seasons but not in summer when it’s hot and crowded (unless you like the energy of lots of people and tourists).
Not sure about the Lake District, but would personally prefer that if it’s summer, but it will also be crowded because it’s summer in Italy. :-)
Anon
Fair enough. I just looked at old emails and it was late May/early June but probably still shoulder season.
A
Lakes, no question!
Anon
I love Cinque Terre and the hikes were amazingly beautiful. Probably the best and I’ve hiked lots of places. But went when I was in my mid-30s and I will say it felt like it was a place where lots of college-aged or early 20s go who are on a limited budget. Nothing wrong with that and I was totally that way in my 20s but once I hit mid-30s I really started liking and could afford more luxury accommodations and the accommodations were just ok and I felt like everyone else was super fit (like I was pretty fit when we went and I still felt like I had a hard time getting up the hills to just go to the restaurant or our hotel while all the younger people could do it so easily). Now that I’m in my 40s, I would totally go to the lake district if I could!
Anon
I loved Cinque Terre and felt like I fit in fine as a fairly schlubby 33 year old (at the time) but I agree there aren’t luxury accommodations in the area. Our apartment in Manarola was perfectly fine, but if luxury hotels are a big priority for you, you should go to the lakes.
Aunt Jamesina
I haven’t been to Cinque Terre, but Lake Como is great! We stayed in Bellagio.
Anon
The people from The Fold sent me a catalog. I was surprised that it’s not 100% very structured workwear and loved some of the tweed jackets (would try to get outfits based off of them, as my closet needs a refresh). BUT I’m a 40ish mom, out of the gym since the pandemic / surge, and with a tummy and hips and a very short torso. I am guessing that none of the very sleek dresses would work (perhaps the shirt-dressy ones), but if the jacket is shorter, could the separates work? If it’s all like Theory, I’ll just toss the lovely catalog and move on. In BR, I am a 6P jacket and 8 pants (but sometimes a 10 if not a curvy cut). There is also a wrap-style-pleated knit dress that looks to be less fitted below the waist that might work (it’s like DVF and St. John had a baby).
Anonymous
I don’t think you will like the fit. I love The Fold precisely because I have a long torso and no curves and it’s one of the few brands that fits my shape.
Anon
+1
It makes me very sad that The Fold just isn’t cut for me because I love so much of their selection.
anne-on
If you do want to try a piece or two the ‘clever crepe’ collection is forgiving, and made out of truly lovely thick crepe that hides lumps and bumps. Ditto with the Belleville tops – I have 3 and will likely buy another, they are VERY flattering and some are in washable fabrics. The sheaths are cut very straight up and down but the a-line dresses might also be something to look into. The shipping/returns are also typically very fast and easy fwiw. I’d also say that their fits run long – I’m just under 5’5 and I need to shorten everything I buy, except for some of the pants which are cut to be above the ankle which on me are a perfect length to wear with flats.
Anon
Any tips on how to stay out of drama in a volunteer org?
I’m on the board of a non-profit. There are two full-time staff members, and an all-volunteer board.
Maybe because we’re all remote and haven’t seen each other in person for months, but lately there have been so many tiny little dramas flaring up. For example, Person A complains about Person B supposedly elbowing in to her area of responsibility. Or, Person C complains about Person D for veering off topic in board meetings. I’m the vice chairperson and more approachable than the chair (gender maybe? I’m female, he’s male), so people often come to me outraged at these small issues. I listen, but I wonder if lending an ear just makes issues bigger than they need to be. I’d like everyone to just get along and focus on the org’s mission, but…how? Any advice?
Anonymous
I think you reset your expectations. I’m on a Board in a leadership role with the exact same description – like, did someone on my board write in? – and these kinds of things are endemic to smaller boards. I read last week on this topic – one third of your board will be superstars, one third kind of showing up, one third do nothing, at any given time. So a little bickering seems par for the course.
Bonnie Kate
Oh you are me in a similar-ish all volunteer community group. I’m president, so get to hear all the things that people think they “need to let someone know.” Good lord, heaven help us when someone does a job differently than it was done in the past. I usually listen, ask a few questions to see what the underlying worry is (i.e. are we worried because it’s different, or for a real reason/possible consequences?), and then take it further only if there are real possible consequences. I also really believe that in volunteer roles, the person doing the role gets to decide how they want to do the role and if that’s different, that’s ok unless there’s a real reason not to do it that way. The questions to figure out why they’re concerned are key, because sometimes they actually have a valid concern and they have the institutional knowledge as to why it was done that way, while the new person with the new way doesn’t know that history. Getting that knowledge out in the open allows the changes to happen in a more informed way, and it keeps everyone heard and happy and also progressing.
But sometimes, people just don’t like new ways and need to vent and then it needs to go no further. For example, currently the treasurer of our organization does things differently – different reports/means of delivery, etc. Several board members do not like this but they also don’t want to be treasurer. They also don’t want to take it up with the treasurer, and instead tell me. I mostly let their comments go in one ear and out the other because we are getting reports, the money is accounted for (just not as nitty gritty detailed as they would like – but also not necessary), and the treasurer is getting it done.
Anon
How is this coming to you? Like people spontaneously call to vent or email or scheduled calls? I think the easiest way to cut this off is to slow down your response time and not engage – if people are saying ugh so frustrating you can just say hmm that does sound frustrating but don’t offer advice or to solve the problem. You can also say this sounds like a problem for the Chair and encourage people to go that person’s way. If you’re not a satisfying venting partner people may stop coming to you.
Of course, this will not actually cause people to get along better. If that’s your goal then you and the Chair should do some thinking about group dynamics and make a structured plan together to address the issues.
anon
I think it’s really important for the whole board and the executive(s) who report to the board to have an easy, open relationship with the board chair. It allows you to hear concerns early on, before they’re a big deal and it allows you to shape agendas to address if needed or explain why something should be left alone. But, it’s unhelpful for this kind of stuff to go to more than just the board chair.
In your shoes, unless I was about to become board chair, I’d probably save myself time by referring folks to the board chair.
Anon
I’m starting to think that people losing their sense of smell due to Covid is being taken into account when manufacturing products. I’ve been buying the same items for years (dishwasher detergent, laundry detergent, hand soap, countertop spray, etc.) and over the past couple of years the fragrance has become overwhelmingly strong. My spouse agrees. Anyone else notice household cleaners are just generally smellier now?
(Also, since everyone will jump on this: I don’t have a uterus and it’s definitely not pregnancy.)
Anon
I feel like this long predates the pandemic. I have allergies so I get everything I can hypoallergenic or fragrance free.
Anon
Any recommendations on hair styling products? It is a challenge to find fragrance free mousse or things like that.
Anon
I don’t use any hair products other than shampoo and conditioner so I’m no help on that front. Sorry.
anon
Hmm, I think this is a stretch. I can’t say I’ve noticed scents becoming stronger. A lot of detergents and cleaners have always been heavily scented.
Anon
Uh I’ve been buying everything fragrance free for years now b/c fragrance in everything has always been too strong.
Anonymous
Same. I think people are just noticing scents more after spending more time at home and not being constantly bombarded with the stink of public restroom soap, fellow passengers on public transit and airplanes, etc.
Go for it
+1
No Face
Same.
Anon
Agree with everyone else that this has been going on for a while. The one that really got me was trash bags. Not trash bags that were sold as scented, but just normal trash bags that still absolutely reeked. As a scent-sensitive person it’s always annoying to get unexpectedly scented stuff, but it was extra annoying because we were moving and wanted trash bags to wrap some things in to keep them clean/dry, and they ended up smelled so bad everything had to be re-washed.
Anon
Omg, scented trash bags are my nemesis and I never knew that my adulthood would be spent caring so much about trash bags.
Anon
What I hate is lavender-scented poop bags. For the love of God, WHY? I accidentally bought some once and spent ten minutes outside with the dog wondering why my eyes were watering so badly. And why they still watered so badly when I was sitting three feet away from the roll on the hall table. I gave ’em all away and hotfooted it to the store for plain bags. Gag.
Anon
Maybe because it’s the only thing that can make actual poop smell good by comparison?
I don’t know what’s wrong with us, but fake lavender scents cause an instant splitting headache for everyone in my household.
Anon
Me too. Artificial scent + dog poo is 200 times worse than dog poo.
Anon
My dog’s poop bags are scented and now that specific scent makes me want to throw up. Not the poop scent. The poop bag scent.
anonypotamus
I totally agree with you and am only commenting to point out that this is an opportunity to use one of my favorite word puns/combos: “scent-sitive”
Anon
This reminded me of a book I read recently! Have you read The Case Against Fragrance by Kate Grenville?
Wheels
Yes! I hate that I cannot buy unscented garbage bags at my local Aldi, I have to go out of my way to go to another supermarket to buy them. The ‘lemon’ ones written it white text on a yellow background: you fooled me once but won’t fool me again.
I buy everything unscented: dishwasher powder and liquid (my dishes do not need to be scented, messes with my enjoyment of food), laundry detergent, cleaning products, hand soap, shampoo and conditioner, dog products.
Don’t get me started on fabric softener…it closes up my throat. If you use it, please reconsider.
A
Not exactly related to your experience – A few months ago (not really sure) Rachel Maddow had a segment discussing how reviews for Yankee Candles were trending very negative because reviewers were saying the candles no longer had a scent/the reviewers bought the candle to it having a certain scent. I personally found that segment quite interesting.
Related to what you are experiencing – I don’t have allergies and have used “regular” Costco/Kirkland brand laundry detergent and dryer sheets for years and never notice that it has an overwhelming smell. However, recently, when I was back in the office after not being there for many months, I could not stand the smell of the soap in the dispensers in the bathroom. It was to the point I considered not washing my hands/ just using hand sanitizer, and strongly considered bringing in my own soap. I found I had a similar reaction with blue dawn dish soap as well, which I never previously found offensive and have used off an on for decades. Again, recently used it at my parents house and couldn’t stand the smell.
Anon
I thought that was so interesting about the yankee candles. I saw the same segment.
(The upshot, for those who didn’t infer it, was that a lot of people lost their sense of smell during the pandemic and blamed it on the candles)
Anon
I only buy laundry detergent that’s 100% fragrance free. If an item is washed elsewhere, and has a detergent fragrance, it’s really noticeable to me and I don’t like it. Other products generally don’t bother me too much.
Anonymous
Menopause can cause a change in your sense of smell, not just pregnancy.
Anon
I feel confident stating that my husband is not going through menopause.
Anon
An Australian university study found that one third of people get health problems from artificial fragrance (headaches, difficulty breathing, vision problems and confusion) so it’s pretty common.
Minnie Beebe
I was a regular buyer of (regular scent) Tide for years, but the last bottle I bought (probably a year ago now) had a very different and MUCH stronger scent than the original version, even though it was labeled the same. I had to give it away after trying a couple of loads. It was far too much scent for me. Aside from that single experience, I don’t know if scents are getting stronger or if I’m growing more sensitive to them, but I’ve been noticing scents a lot more than I used to.
Anon
This was happening before the pandemic. I am sensitive to fragrance and we have had to buy everything fragrance-free for years because smells are so, so strong. It’s particularly egregious with laundry detergent; I just don’t feel like I should be able to tell that someone uses Tide detergent when they’re sitting across a room from me. Given our current general standards of personal and household cleanliness, I am not sure what could possibly be so stinky that we need these heavy fragrances to cover smells. I even had to switch hand soaps because the regular ol’ generic soap we got from Target got so heavily perfumed.
Anon
Totally agree.
Constant use of fragranced hand sanitiser around me makes me sick, I wish that unscented/unfragranced hand sanitiser was the norm.
Also Anon
You know, I hadn’t made this connection before, but maybe it’s not a coincidence that Bath and Body Works is releasing their most popular wallflower fragrances in “enhanced” versions just as people are losing their sense of smell. I know when I had COVID, what tipped me off to the fact that I’d lost my sense of smell was when I was changing a wallflower bulb and realized I couldn’t smell the fresh one, and that never happens.
Aunt Jamesina
I think the fact that more products are being manufactured with either no scent or naturally-derived scents is making the old synthetic products seem stronger in comparison. I switched to unscented (or very minimally scented) laundry detergent over a decade ago, and thought Tide smelled absolutely unbearable after a few years of using the less scented stuff. The cleaning products aisle gives me a headache.
anon
So this is a minor irritation that keeps popping up. I decided to take a vacation day Friday to decompress. Now DH is making noises about working from home on Friday, and I want to shout NOOOOO PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE IN OUR HOUSE. Same thing happened before Christmas. Love my DH and he’s my favorite person to hang with, but having the house to myself is pretty much the entire point of taking a random vacation day in the middle of February. No kids, no spouse, just me and the cat. Looks like I’ll be having the awkward conversation when I nicely ask him to please stay at the office.
Anon
When I was living with an SO, no amount of using my words could shake him being clingy if he knew I was taking a vacation day to chill. Unfortunately, I had to just quit mentioning it.
I hope your spouse is more of a grownup than my unfortunate choice of an SO was.
anon a mouse
Oh yeah. That sucks. Good luck to you, but also say just what you said here: Love you to pieces, but I need a day alone in the house and I need that to be Friday.
Anon
Ahhhh! Commiseration. Pre-pandemic I got exactly one day off that my kids and husband didn’t (good friday) and it was my favorite day of the year. Don’t tell him your plan next time ;) (and yes, you can politely ask him “please don’t WFH that day I need it to decompress.”)
Anon
Commiseration. My husband is the same. I think it’s just jealousy that I’m taking a day off because usually he’s good at doing his own thing while I do my own thing. But that doesn’t change that fact that he’s THERE.
buffybot
I totally sympathize. One my favorite times each week is on Friday when I work from home — I come back to an empty house after dropping off the kid at preschool and just enjoy the silence/get things straightened up for the weekend ahead. Was rudely surprised this past Friday when I came home with a takeout breakfast for me ready to enjoy in the quiet when I found husband at the kitchen table loudly on Zoom for the next three hours. His Valentine’s present is that I just cut the breakfast burrito in half and pretended like I meant to share all along.
Senior Attorney
You are too good for this world! ;)
No Face
I am very vocal about how I need time alone in my own house, especially after the initial phase of the pandemic.
Bonnie Kate
yeppppp. I get that. Good luck with the convo, I hope he gets it. I don’t think you should have to change your plans, but for what it’s worth I’ve found good luck having these decompression days on a middle of the weekday, if you can swing that. Idk why, but for me decompression days feel different and more potent on a Wednesday than making a three day weekends, and it’s less likely to get invaded upon by DH.
Also Anon
Ha! Pre-pandemic me feels this so hard. My partner and I have both been WFH since March 2020, but I low-key miss those days prior when I’d work from home and actually had the place to myself. If this popped up for us post-pandemic when we’re both back in the office (assuming that does happen, I might WFH forever), I’d probably say “you know babe, I can’t blame you for wanting to work from home on Friday, but I also really appreciate having the place to myself on my work-from-home days, so let’s find a way to stagger this so we can both have the house to ourselves from time to time.”
Anonymous
We have finally figured this out. On days like this DH sticks to our (walk out with a bathroom) basement and garage (where his hobbies are); I get the main floor and 2nd floor and don’t interact with him all day.
anon2
Yeah, I used to take sick or WFH days prepandemic to get the house to myself without DH or kids. But I wouldn’t tell him ahead of time. Now we are both WFH and it drives me crazy. Plus, he wants to retire – I’ll never get the house alone and quiet again. I’m going to have to make him take up an out-of-house hobby.
Anonymous
Im considering getting Invisalign. I had braces for 5 years as a teen but things started shifting in college*. I’m now late 20s and have crooked teeth; I think it’s just cosmetic but I’d like it fixed.
Would love to hear fro those who have had it – how was the process, was it worth it, how long did it take, how much did it cost. Also if anyone has a recommendation for an orthodontist in Philly (Center City or South Philly), would love that!
* was told to wear a retainer for 2 years, which I did. I now understand they recommend wearing them for life. My retainer was Invisalign style, so it was pretty much worn through by the end of 2 years anyways.
Anon
I started in Feb 2020… and also had a baby in the middle… so what was supposed to be a straight-forward treatment plan has taken a year and a half (due to increased time between appointments, wearing each set of trays for longer than the normal 2 weeks). My normal dentist did it for me (she does a ton of Invisalign cases). Process was very easy. I’ve had 3 sets of 10 trays and minimal pain. I tend to wear mine way less than the recommended 20-22 hours per day (I wear my 12-14 hours tops) and it’s still worked out fine for me. Happy with results, but it wasn’t a mind blowing change (like, I don’t have a super wide Julia Roberts smile now). You have to adjust your expectations and have a realistic conversation with your doctor on what your goals are and what is possible with Invisalign vs what requires more extensive dental procedures.
Anonymous
DH has them now. He’s 38 and on month 22/30. He wears them religiously and for almost the entire day. They have been excellent and he’s been on track or ahead with everything.
He had braces in high school but everything got messed up as he aged to the point where he had very crossed front teeth. Completely remedied.
OP
My front teeth look like they’re well on their way to being crossed (they’re certainly not flush!). Really, that’s the change I”m looking to make – get them aligned again.
Minnie Beebe
Had Invisalign maybe 6 (?) years ago, through my regular dentist at the time. I had something like 24 (?) sets of trays, and had them on for about a year. Mostly to fix some cosmetic things- I’d had braces in middle school and had some shifting over the years (did not wear a retainer for very long after the first set of braces — because I lost it at some point.). I do still wear my retainers (I wore a night guard for YEARS before Invisalign for tooth grinding, so I like/need to wear something anyway.) And this post has reminded me that I’m due for some new retainers!
No Problem
I’m doing it now through my dentist. I never had braces as a teen, so this is correcting all of the issues I’ve always had. Overall my teeth were not that crooked (that’s why I never had braces as a teen) but they have gotten a bit worse over time and my dentist said I have evidence I’m grinding my teeth, so the trays work as night guards too. Total treatment time for me will be about 8 months.
Total cost was about $5k, with insurance picking up a chunk because I never had braces. I’m in the DC area. I think the cost is worth it for me because it’s fixing issues I’ve always found annoying, even if they weren’t that noticeable to others cosmetically. It’s also making it way easier to floss because my teeth were so crowded that it was a struggle to get even dental floss between them. So hopefully it will improve my oral health in the long run.
Agree with the other poster that they tell you to wear then 22 hours a day, which is both impossible and not necessary. A good day for me is 20 hours and it’s typically more like 15-18. They will also tell you that the first three days are the worst and you’ll be used to them after that, but you should at least double that. You should also expect that one or two trays will be cut a little differently and will seriously irritate your tongue or cheek. I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that except wait out the two weeks for the next tray and hope that one is better.
bellatrix
I am an Invisalign dropout. (For context, I didn’t have a problem with the way my teeth looked, but my dentist recommended braces bc my bite is off. The ortho convinced me Invisalign would be easier and just as effective. I am kicking myself for going that route.) I truly, truly hated it; you can’t eat or drink anything but water while you have them in, and taking them out was always a sloppy process. I never found them comfortable; and if you forget to wear the aligners for a few days, your teeth move back and then it really hurts. Eventually I had backslid enough that I knew there was no fixing it; but now I have these stupid buttons on my teeth that I’ll have to pay to get off. All that to say — think hard about how likely you are to wear them 20-22 hours a day. If you’re a snacker or if you drink coffee all day, it’s not going to be a great fit. I wish I had gone for traditional braces; I would be long done by now.
No Problem
I agree that the adjustment period is much longer than they tell you. I very seriously considered calling the whole thing off during my first week or two. It is true that you can’t have anything but water while they’re in, but I definitely do not wear them 20+ hours a day and they work just fine. I often take them out for breakfast at 10, leave them out until 2 when I’m done with lunch, put them in until a 4 pm snack, and put them back in after dinner around 8 or 9. This is about 16 hours a day and has been working fine. I’m not a coffee drinker so luckily that hasn’t been an issue for me. I have always slept in them except for maybe two nights total (once when I was feeling nauseous and didn’t want to wake up to puke in the middle of the night when I had them in, and another time when they were just bothering me a lot and I couldn’t get to sleep with them in).
That said, some people are just really sensitive to having foreign objects in their mouths and will never adjust! That’s not surprising or shameful. Bellatrix, I hope your dentist or ortho can just take the buttons off without charging you. The price of Invisalign is supposed to cover all appointments, including the one where they take off the buttons.
Anon
Just as a note, I had regular braces as an adult, but my retainers are the kind you mention (Essix, not Hawley). They absolutely can make thicker, sturdier versions for people who are hard on them (I’m a grinder). I started with the default ones, chewed through them in a year, and was refitted for thick ones that are still good 3 years later. I wear them overnight with about 90% compliance and my teeth are staying put so far.
TL;DR: Ask for more robust retainers when you’re done with the braces.
OP
Thanks for this tip – I definitely will (or will just get the old school metal bar type). I hugely regret not following up with my orthodontist for replacement retainers but I was in college and not very responsible!
BB
I’m going through a treatment now and am probably ~5 months away after over a year. I would NOT recommend it unless you have a medical issue. I was trying to alleviate TMJ symptoms, so I’m glad I did it. But basically what someone said above: You need to have them in pretty much all the time, and you can only drink water. As a small example of why this sucks, I like to cook a lot – I can taste test things while I cook if I have the aligners in. Also, they HURT when you get a new one in, and my teeth usually hurt for a day or two when I switch a new aligner. You’ll also likely have these bumpy attachments put on your teeth that are still there when your aligners are off.
And finally, don’t get anchored to whatever the dentist/orthodontist says about how long it should take. Your first set of aligners is generally just your first set. My first set was just 7 months, but at the end of it, two of my teeth were in a weird position, so cue the second set, which was 4 months, then the third set which was 3 months, and now I’m back on a fourth 5 month set. This would not have been worth it for me for just cosmetic purposes.
Anon
If you’re looking for options – consider Inbrace. They’re about the same price as Invisalign. My dental insurance covered it so it at the same percentage was the same out of pocket for me. They’re behind the tooth lingual braces. I’ve had them for 5 months and they’ve straightened my teeth. I still need to wear them for another 8 months according to the orthodontist but I’d be happy if they took them off today. Never had braces before so I can’t compare the pain level. But they do hurt- both the moving of the teeth and the irritation from your tongue rubbing against the braces (Get some Gishy Goo to help with the adjustment). And it does affect your speech a bit. My orthodontist applied the bottom first and then did the top a month later and I would recommend that approach to get used to them. But the positive is that you can’t see them, you can eat and drink all day without having to remove trays, you can floss and brush pretty much the same and while you get food caught in them, others can’t see it.
OP
Oh, this looks right up my alley. I don’t want adult braces for several reasons, but was never thrilled about Invisalign, so this looks like a good compromise. Thanks for the tip
Anon
My dentist talked to me about these as I don’t want regular braces and I also had heard enough people complain about Invisalign that I didn’t want to go that route either. I have a crooked tooth that my dentist said could be fixed in a year with the lingual braces. This review is really helpful; thanks for sharing.
Explorette
I am doing them right now and while I have no relevant experience with regular braces, I wish I’d gone that route. Like others said, you are supposed to wear them 20+ hours a day, which in reality is very difficult. They are still visible and people will ask me about them. They make you talk with a lisp, especially when you put in a new tray, so any client meeting means I can’t wear them. You have to scrub them and your teeth every time you put them in, which can be 4-5 times a day. I once got a very bad infection in my mouth from something getting on the tray while it was out that I didn’t get cleaned off. Overall, I think braces sound easier to deal with. Yeah, they aren’t quite as visible as braces, but for all the other stuff I don’t think it’s worth it.
Anon
I’m doing Invisalign right now, and it has worked great for me. Started in Dec. 2020 and will be finishing up this spring so about 1.5 years. Cost was around $5,000. I did have to change my habits a bit and avoid snacking and drinking beverages other than water in between meals, but IMO that’s a good thing. I’m brushing and flossing a lot more too — also a good thing. I think it would have been much harder if I’d been going into the office every day, but I’ve been working from home since the pandemic started, so it’s worked out well. The pain has been pretty minor, a mild headache the first day with a new set of aligners. If you decide to do it, order the ORTHOKEY aligner removal tool from A-zon. This tool is essential, saves my manicure, makes it so much easier to get the aligners out.
Anonymous
Looking for sweater blazer recommendations! Preferably in the $50 range, but I could go a little higher.
anon
I’ve been very happy with my J Crew Factory sweater blazers. If you wait for a sale, you can get close to $50.
Anonymous
+1.
AIMS
+2
Anon
I love the J Crew factory ones too, size way down since they run large. I have the navy and the blush.
Anon
Old Navy occasionally has knit blazers.
Anonymous
Talbots usually has some. You might also consider ponte knits.
Anon
I think Talbots still has some on final sale. I have two of the merino wool ones and really like them.
anon
Talbots
New Hope PA
I have a wedding in New Hope, PA in late March. People seem to love the area but I feel like I’m missing something. What should I do while I am there?
Anonymous
People like it because its cute and quaint and pretty. There’s isn’t a ton to “do” there other than walking through the town, getting a drink, checking out a cool shop, etc. Biking along the canal in Lambertville (just across the bridge) is popular.
I’m not sure where you’re coming from, but it’s not too far from Philly, which I always recommend checking out. If you want to stay more in the burbs, there are a few nice parks in Bucks County.
Anonymous
Yeah, it is just a nice escape from being in the major cities nearby. It’s fun if you live in NYC and want to be able to putter and be in nature, but still with fancy stuff.
roxie
echoing others that it’s mostly about strolling and shopping and eating (great food) but also Washington’s Crossing is right there if you want a revolutionary war tour and bowman’s preserve and tower is gorgeous for a nice easy hike. I’m sure there are some spas too.
Anonymous
I do love these pants! They’re both way out of my budget and would not flatter my body, but they’re great!
I’m going to a conference for the first time in probably 4 years. I completely forget what conferences are like, how to pack (dress code is elevated bis cas), etc. Am open to any and all tips or reminders!
Anon
They are always cold!
Anon
Freezing. Never go without a packable down vest and a cashmere wrap.
Senior Attorney
YES! I remember one time I was at a conference and there was a vendor set up in the lobby outside the meeting rooms making an absolute fortune selling pashminas (remember pashminas?) to all the women attendees who were shivering and turning blue with cold!
Anon
That is a quality business idea! I have been at a couple of conferences where I would have paid $$$ for a pashmina, fleece wrap or set of handwarmers because it was so cold in the breakout rooms.
Anonymous
Yes. Dress like a guy — undershirt, shirt, and jacket — or freeze.
Anonymous
If it is a big conference and meals are not provided, figure out how you are going to get lunch. The hotel restaurant, the grab-and-go sandwich shop in the lobby, and every eating establishment within several blocks of the conference hotel will be mobbed. (Looking at you, American Society of Criminology.) I usually get a grab-and-go lunch at breakfast time and stash it in my room fridge or plan to have lunch at 10:00 a.m. or 3:00 p.m.
Bonnie Kate
In normal times I attend ~5-6 conferences a year, and since the pandemic I am committed to never again wearing uncomfortable shoes. No heels, period.
Bonnie Kate
Also, I had a conference last week – here were my outfits (it was hovering around 0 degrees F) –
Day 1 – Light grey business pants, dark grey sweater, pointy toe black flats.
Day 2 – Cream sweater dress, skinny black belt, black base layer leggings, wool socks (you couldn’t see them :)), cognac calf high boots. I actually loved this outfit for conferences except it was lacking pockets. If it had pockets it would have been golden.
My industry skews on the casual side of business casual – like lots of hoodies/jeans for guys during conferences – and for some conferences I will wear dark jeans (trouser cut are my favorite), black sneakers, nice top. I also love a black dress/jean jacket look because of pockets.
SSJD
Layers! It’s often freezing or too hot. I usually accomplish this with a blazer, silk scarf, and beneath the blazer, layers I can remove if I’m too warm. I prefer pants for this reason. Bring business cards if that’s something you’ll exchange/distribute. Bring chargers for your laptop and phone with you during the day.
Anonymous
Good shoes- if you are in a booth or will be doing a lot of standing/networking especially.
Back-up good shoes if your first pair give you blisters.
Portable charging devices. Little snacks in case you are starving before you can find something decent to eat.
A layer (jacket, pashmina, etc).
Anonymous
Realizing it’s totally reading the tea leaves and no one actually knows, but–when do you think the US will drop the requirement of a negative covid test for incoming travelers? We have been wanting to go to Paris for several years but keep switching to domestic trips instead due to Covid concerns. We’re looking at vacation plans for late May and were planning on Hawaii for fear of getting a random positive test and stuck quarantining/unable to re-enter if we went international, but I’m starting to wonder if we just gamble on the requirement being dropped by then and book a trip to Paris (vaxed, boosted, etc., and I feel like we’ll be through the Omicron wave by May).
Cat
Just go to Paris whenever you want unless there’s something catastrophic if you get stuck for a week.
anon
I would book it. I traveled to Europe around Christmas time and my travel partner and I both tested negative in the airport, despite the fact that he came down with symptoms the next morning and tested positive two days later. I was probably also positive but asymptomatic. We both quarantined as soon as we found out he felt ill after we got back, but I don’t put a lot of stock in the rapid tests when you don’t have symptoms so it’s a risk I was willing to take.
Anon
This thinking doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. If you catch Covid abroad, you’re most likely going to have symptoms and get a positive test, regardless of whether or not one is required for your flight. The testing requirement could pick up an asymptomatic case, I guess, but I think compared to the risk of actually getting sick and knowing you’re sick, the risk of that situation is pretty low. And the odds of getting Covid at all are quite low if you travel when numbers are low and wear a mask for all indoor activities. I guess I think whenever you travel anywhere there’s a risk of getting Covid and being unable to fly home (you wouldn’t get on a plane with Covid even if you technically could, right?), but I don’t see that risk as specifically higher in foreign countries just because you need a test to come home. It’s not like if you get sick in Hawaii you can just rent a car and drive home, so you could easily be stuck there for an extra week or two.
But to answer your question, I don’t think the testing requirement to enter the US is going to be lifted by May.
Anonymous
Asymptomatic or false positives are my concern, and quarantining in a foreign country. I feel like I know a lot of people who tested positive with asymptomatic cases (or tested positive on rapid but negative on pcr) when they were testing before going to see family, etc. Yes, I could get stuck in Hawaii, but quarantining somewhere where I speak the language, know what app to use to order food, etc. just somehow seems less worrying.
Anon
Rapids are less sensitive than PCR. I think you have it backwards. It’s much more common to be positive PCR and negative rapid. A rapid test is unlikely to be positive unless you’re symptomatic or will be symptomatic very soon in which case it’s really not a great idea to be flying anyway.
You could ask your hotel about quarantine arrangements. Many counties are helping tourists with the cost and logistics of quarantine because it’s a way to boost tourism. A travel agent could help too.
Anon
You are more likely to get a false positive on a rapid test than you are on a PCR. The specificity of the PCR is better. PCR is also more sensitive so you will see positive PCR/Negative rapid with lower viral loads. So you have both more false positives and false negatives with rapid antigen tests than PCR.
Anon
You only need one negative antigen test to board a flight to the US. Take a proctored home test, if it’s positive, take another. If it was a false positive you won’t test positive over and over again. If you get several positive rapid tests in a row you have Covid.
Anonymous
What are you talking about? Hawaii does not have any quarantining or testing requirement for vaccinated travelers and the mainland certainly does not have any quarantining, testing, or vaccination requirements for flights inbound from Hawaii. No one is getting “stuck” in Hawaii.
Anon
Everyone I know who had Covid had symptoms eventually despite being vaxxed and in most cases boosted. So if you catch Covid in Hawaii you will get sick, presumably get a test and then your only choices are to fly knowing you have symptomatic Covid (which is IMO immoral) or stay in Hawaii until you’re recovered and testing negative. That’s what I meant about getting stuck. Even without a testing requirement, if you get sick you will (or at least should) take a test, and then you would have no way of safely getting home. If you were in the continental US you could rent a car and drive home if you felt ok, but that’s obviously not an option in Hawaii.
Anonymous
What 1:40 said. I’m sure there are people who develop symptoms on vacation and still fly home because there’s no testing requirement but I would not.
Anon
I have a friend who got stuck in the Caribbean with her husband for an extra two weeks because they tested positive during the omicron surge. They were ok and could work from their location but the amount of money they spent on this trip is a deterrent for me when it comes to international travel. If you can afford the cost of an extra two weeks then go for it.
Anon
We went to Barcelona at the omicron peak and truly it was great but we did a Huge risk/reward calculation and decided our comfort level and I took mitigating action! We decided to wear N95’s everywhere and eat outdoors. We got cheap upgrades to better plane seats for spacing during meals. I took my laptop just in case and told my supervisor I’d work from the hotel. We asked the hotel if we’d be able to stay there if we tested positive. Lots of planning! But the lack of crowds was great
Anon
It would be far too disruptive for me to get stuck in a vacation location, so I’m sticking with domestic travel until the restrictions drop. I’m a bit jealous of people for whom this would be NBD, but it’s just not my life. I wouldn’t look forward to a trip with that low grade concern, which is half the fun.
Anon
+1
I’d love to travel abroad, but for now I”m sticking to only going places where I can rent a car and drive home, if needed (so the continental US).I just can’t afford to get stuck in a vacation destination and would be stressed the whole vacation.
I’m not particularly COVID cautious (boosted, wear a mask when indoors in public (per local regulation) but I also eat at indoor restaurants, go into the office, go to bars/concerts/indoor sporting events) so that’s not what’s deterring me; it’s solely for the reason that I cannot afford an extra 2 weeks in a hotel.
No Face
I vote gamble, but I live in a place with no restrictions. I felt less likely to get covid when I traveled internationally than when I am at home.
Anon
I feel the same way.
Anonymous
Incoming test requirement is only an antigen test (ie rapid test). You are very likely to test negative on that unless you are truly symptomatic with Covid.
I think the fear of getting a random positive test should be relatively low.
Level of annoyance
Language and social question: I work at a company purchased by another company in Europe. We talk and write in English with one another but for a fair number of people there English is understandably tough. I find myself unconsciously changing phrasing and sometimes word choice to match their syntax/grammar. I don’t know if it’s obvious to them. Is this awful? How hard should I try not to? Instead of saying, “its hard for us”, i might say, “For us it is difficult” as an example. Ok or bad?
Anonymous
I would go with what is proper English from your perspective. I have caught myself accidentally mirroring the cadences of someone who did not grow up speaking English, and it was not a good look.
OP
Thanks for the feedback, all. I’m going to keep my “cognates” -similar Romance-language derived words -but will make a much greater effort not to slip into mimicking phrasing. Not sure why I needed someone else to tell me!
Anon
I think it’s bad and it would rub me the wrong way as your co-worker, but I can’t quite articulate why.
C2
I definitely find myself doing this in foreign countries when traveling, especially once I know what words are more analogous to a word in their language. I think it would be best if you apply that context to your proper use of English and avoid turns of phrase that may not be recognizable in another language. In your example, perhaps hard is a more difficult word to grasp because the meaning doesn’t line up as nicely, but difficult lines up to a word of the same meaning and you instead say, “it’s difficult for us/our team”, which wouldn’t cause me any irritation if I’m reading it from the US side.
If you’re speaking to someone 1:1, I would say only change your phrasing as a last resort to help the other person gain clarity.
Anon
I work with ESOL international clients and I am careful to clean up my language, but I don’t copy their phrasing directly. Examples of what I do include: avoiding idioms, picking the clearer of two words when one option has multiple meanings (like using “correct” would be a clearer choice than “right”), avoiding most contractions unless it makes the copy stilted, and copying their preferred salutations (“best regards” is obligatory in some circles).
Aunt Jamesina
I agree with this, especially while speaking. Writing gives the person on the other end time to digest and even look up expressions if they aren’t clear. OP, keep in mind also that comprehension precedes production, i.e., people can understand more complex construction than they’re able to use themselves.
Anon
Anyone have experience with HPV? I just found out I have it and am panicking
PolyD
I think I did way back in 1990? I had irregularity on a Pap smear and I think they said there was HPV. I had a… I can’t think of the term, but basically they freeze off the irregular cells. It wasn’t all that painful during or after. I had a partner at the time but we were using condoms regularly anyway, so that wasn’t a big deal. Had no issues since.
Around the same time a friend of mine also had cervical dysplasia, had more extensive surgery than I did, and went on to successfully carry twins to term, in case you’re worried about childbearing.
Sorry this is so vague, it was a long time ago. Hopefully some younger people will chime in!
Anon
The impact of pregnancy is my big question, so your friend’s story is making me feel better
Anonymous
Ah! Then let me tell you about my friend who had a positive HPV and has a baby due on 2/24.
anon
Yes, and had the biopsy, LEEP, whole nine yards and still got pregnant at 38.
Anon
Similar story here. I went on to have 2 normal pregnancies. Those babies are now 13 and 11.
Anon
A few strains of HPV are linked to a majority of related cancers. Your gynecologist can test to determine which strain(s) you have, which will better inform the way forward, frequency of testing, etc. I don’t know how old you are; for most on this board who are 30+ and who were sexually active before the HPV vaccine, it is more likely that they are HPV+ than not. In other words, while it may feel icky and scary and you should take it seriously, you have lots of company and it is quite common.
Anon
+1 I had an HPV issue in my 20s where I had to get a few warts removed but I continue to test negative for “high risk” HPV.
My two sisters on the other hand are both high risk HPV positive and both have had LEEP or similar procedures. They’ve also both gone on to have babies with no complication. It’s basically endemic in the population that was too old for Gardasil when it was introduced and nothing to be ashamed of, just something to keep an eye on.
OP
This is all so comforting, everyone! Thanks for the good feedback. I’m pretty young, so I am fully vaxxed with Gardasil. Glad to see that even before the vaccine was out, people were still okay
Sasha
Coming in late so OP you might not see this but I’m 26, had some gardasil shots but never finished my schedule, had HPV, had to get a colpo, a LEEP, and just tested regular at my most recent pap . I think even among women who are vaccinated, some strain of HPV is still so, so common. It’s the unlucky few who end up having irregular paps who ever actually find out about it. I was so freaked out at first but from what I have researched, the worst case scenario is that we have to go in for LEEPs every few years forever. Not great, but certainly manageable.
Anon
The friend I hung out most with pre pandemic basically dropped me during the pandemic (didn’t return most texts, didn’t join friend group zooms, etc). I saw her maybe a total of 3-4 times over the last two years. I checked in with her several times, worried it was depression or something, but that didn’t seem to be the case. I know from social media that she went on trips with other friend groups etc, so I just figured I’d been dropped. Which hurt but I just moved forward.
Now out of the blue she’s texting me constantly and wanting to get together. I’ve received more texts from her in the last week than over the last two years. The cynical part of me thinks maybe her other friend group fell apart. Would you say anything? If so, what would you say? I don’t know that I really want our old friendship back at this point.
Anon
I think its best to extend as much grace as possible during the pandemic; there was so much going on in everyones life that wasn’t always visible. If you reconnect and she’s a cr@ppy friend, then go ahead and drop her, but I would at least extend the grace and meet up with her.
I had a close friend who I literally did not see/stay in touch with for 3 years. We reconnected a few years ago and it’s like no time has passed, we became very close again – to the point that I was a bridesmaid in her wedding recently. We pretty much never addressed it, and just jumped back to the friendship we previously had.
Anon
+1 – also things are almost never about you. People reacted to the pandemic differently. I go with grace and seasons of friendship.
Anon
I’d probably have to address it in some way but be very careful about how I approach her. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt but want to know why she dropped off the face of the earth and if she does anything sketchy in the future, I’d be done.
Cat
it sounds like perhaps she had a more permissive approach to Covid than you did and maybe she thought you’d be judging her or something?
idk, friendships are hard to come by, I’d give her a chance to start fresh.
Anon
I would assume good intentions.
Anonymous
Do you otherwise generally like her? I’ve been a bad friend before and trust me- it isn’t about you. Assume good intentions and pick up where you left off unless you don’t like her company.
Anon
I guess it’s more about how it makes me feel about my own importance in her life. Like, you can drop me for two years and then expect to pick up where we left off? When she dropped me I had to accept that I was less important to her than she was to me, and I’m not sure I want to get sucked in again.
Needlepoint Anon
I recently visited the Middle East and was taken by many 1,000-1,500 year old mosaic designs preserved in Byzantine churches. As a needlepointer, I immediately thought that I would love to honor these designs by creating needlepoint pieces out of the patterns. I have successfully used a free stitch charting tool to create several lovely designs, spending several hours translating piece by piece from photos. Needlepoint is an expensive hobby and I am just an amateur, but I’ve been thinking that I could perhaps share the charts I’ve created online for free, so others could use them for counted cross stitch or needlepoint, making it very clear where the pattern came from and that it is my interpretation of the original work for needlepoint. I also think that there are many safe places to travel in the middle east but people are hesitant to visit the area generally, so if I can inspire one person to travel to these areas, I would be thrilled. I’m wondering if there are any ethical dilemmas in this? Given the age, I would assume the designs are public domain and not under copyright. I also certainly don’t want to appropriate, there are local craftspeople who do mosaics and sometimes copy the mosaics from these places that you can buy (and which I certainly purchased some modern mosaic locally). I would have no intent to make money off this, but I did wonder if there were any cans of worms I could unintentionally open up. Would love your thoughts if you see any red flags!
Coach Laura
I can’t see any issues. Many of the Middle Eastern churches (and some in Spain and Sicily) went back and forth between Christianity and Islam (and maybe Judaism), and at some points churches became mosques or vice versa and back again. And then because Islam forbids depictions of people, the mosaic is the defining decoration, and Christian churches just kep. But for something that old of convoluted provenance, I can’t believe it could be the “property” of any person or organization. I don’t think it’s cultural appropriation, as long as you say it’s your interpretation. Sounds like art to me!
Anon
There’s a lot I don’t know/like/understand about copyright law, but I don’t see an ethical dilemma for decorative art; look up “spolia” (the name for Greek and Roman temple elements worked into Christian churches).
If it’s icons specifically (portraits of saints), they have a different religious significance, and I think I would feel more strange about a needlepoint copy.
Where did you go? I’ve only visited churches like this in Sicily; they’re breathtaking.
Needlepoint Anon
We were in Jordan! Incredible country with the most welcoming people. I studied in Greece and Rome and have a long history of going out of my way to see mosaics, I agree, even simple ones are gorgeous, but the more complex are awe-inspiring. I learned how much work they are when I had the opportunity to mosaic a tiny area of a larger sesquicentennial piece that was placed on a building, it was less than the size of my palm and it took hours!
I think so
Scarlett Quince has cross-stitch patterns from all kinds of artwork, so I’m assuming it’s legal. Although, they are in Texas, so who knows. ;)
I would personally be interested in seeing your patterns, so please let us know how to see them once they are up. I finished my normal 4-year project in half the time thanks to COVID shutdowns, so I’m interested in new projects.