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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 288 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Crepe Cardigan Jacket

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. crepe cardigan jacketIf you like the uber popular Going Out blazer — but wish it had a pop of color — this crepe cardigan jacket from Anne Klein may be for you. It's available in red, hot pink, and royal blue for $53-$139 at Amazon, with some colors eligible for Prime Wardrobe. A bold jewel tone like this isn't for everyone, of course, but it can be great if you want to wear a contrasting color or a complimentary color — while it looks a little stark with black I think it might look really chic with a white “column of color” beneath it like a white top for work and white pants. (We go through all of these looks more thoroughly in our free work outfit email challenge – check it out!)  Crepe Cardigan Jacket This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Foreal grammar rules

    Please help me settle passive-aggressive grammar war. The original sign said, “please ensure to shut the cabinet,” and successive crowd-sourced so-called corrections have also been stuck on top.

    I know correct usage when I hear it, (in this case, “please ensure that you shut the cabinet” or “please ensure the cabinet is shut,”) But I can’t find any grammar rule covering this usage. Ideally, I’d love to have a formal source, but perhaps I’d have better luck finding one if I knew the concepts I was looking for.

    Also, I’ve thoroughly read up on the ensure/insure/assure issue (say that 3 times fast!), so no need to go down that rabbit hole here.

        • OP

          Hmm…I don’t agree with the black-and-white principle. My revisions usually increase the length of the draft, and feedback from multiple commenters has encouraged that. The bare bones are not always the best presentation.

          But in this case, I acknowledged from the start that it’s a silly disagreement in petty office.

    • notanon

      Is the issue the grammatically incorrect “ensure to shut” on the original sign? If you replace “ensure” with its definition so the sign reads “Please make sure that to shut the cabinet” it becomes obvious that “ensure to” is not okay.

      • Anon

        This is just a colloquialism, I think, to which your ear objects. (Couldn’t end a sentence with a preposition when we’re talking about grammar.) I agree that a shorter, different construction would be more proper.

        • notanon

          The problem I see is the original sign appears to have been written by someone who doesn’t know how to appropriately use the word ensure. You ensure something, you make sure to something, but you don’t ensure TO something.

    • Cat

      I hope that, regardless of phrasing, the sign is attached to the INSIDE of the cabinet door and not the outside…

    • anon

      It’s that “ensure” is used incorrectly in the first sentence. You *ensure* that something occurs. Ensure means “to make certain that”. You don’t ensure to do something– you make sure to do something. The “to” is necessary and that’s why it sounds wrong. Ironically my post is probably not very well articulated– I don’t think it’s so much a grammar rule being violated is that “ensure to” is inherently wrong.

    • Anonymous

      Can I piggyback off of this and ask, I know someone that always says “may you please do X” instead of “please do X” or “can you do x”. It drives me crazy but I can’t find a rule that definitively says its improper. Anyone?

      • anon

        Again, I don’t think it’s a grammar rule, it’s just that people don’t know what words mean and aren’t using them correctly.

        I mean, good grief, I was in a court house a few weeks ago that had “in order to ***insure*** a more perfect union” inscribed in huge letters in the lobby.

      • notanon

        Maybe pause next time and quiz them on the intent of their question. Act as though you are taking them literally and would love to be helpful and answer their question, if only you were not confused by the awkward phrasing. Are they asking about the likelihood of you doing X? If so, then why the extraneous “please” in the middle? Are they instead asking if you have been granted permission to do X? Again, why the extraneous “please” in the middle of a factual query? If neither of those, what, pray tell, do they mean? Perhaps if they found another way to express their request in the future you may be of more help.

    • nutella

      What the writer was trying to say is: “Please be sure to shut the cabinet.”

  2. question of the day

    Is it worth getting an LLM? Part time, prestigious school, mostly subsidized by my current firm in a new area of law. I’m a junior associate in a large firm in a large market. Should I focus on billables instead?

    • Anonymous

      Are you in tax? Possibly yes if you are structurally weak in fundamentals (e.g., 1 tax in law school, randomly assigned to tax group when you really wanted litigation). Otherwise no.

      • Anonymous

        Or Georgetown if you are in DC and subsidized.

        I did a PT LLM in tax at NYU and it is awful on your work/life/school balance, esp. if you take summer classes. Was 100% never taking another for-a-grade class again in anything ever after that.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I have an LL.M. but it was really just for me. It adds nothing to my practice (I am a litigator) but does add extra letters to my name. In a more academic field, it might be more helpful.

    • IHHtown

      Definitely don’t sacrifice billables to pursue an LLM. It is incredibly difficult if not impossible to go all in in biglaw and do another degree – and since you’re junior you don’t have much flexibility in time to dedicate to study versus work. If covered by your firm, that means they see utility in the LLM for them as well – can you negotiate lowered billables for time to study and attend classes?

      • Anon

        I received a tax LLM at NYU very early in my career (I went full-time immediately after law school). I didn’t have the same work pressure you did, but a firm I worked at after receiving my LLM required it’s associates to get one. I did see how difficult it was on those associates. I’m now fairly seasoned in my career and, I do have to say, I’m glad I have it. It distinguishes me in the industry and oddly enough, I still use a lot of what I learned in my classes (even though I always have to double check that the law hasn’t changed). I have moved jobs a handful of times, and each time I am grateful for having it. I will say that if you went to a very good law school and graduated at the top of your class, you may not need it for your brand/resume. I didn’t go to a very strong law school or have a CPA, so it definitely helped set me apart. You can always take a class or two and see if you can hack it with work, before fully investing in getting it.

    • Anonymous

      Are you in tax law and plan to spend your life in that field? Then possibly, if it will be from NYU or Georgetown. If you are in any other legal field, then probably not (with a possible exception if you went to a very, very low ranked law school and the LLM would be from a very high ranked law school, and even then probably not).

    • Ellen

      I would like an LLM, if possible, but I do NOT have the time for it! FOOEY! Where can I get one through on-line studying? I think I could easily be a law professor with one, the judge says. He thinks I would be a great law professor b/c I write such great breifs! YAY!!!!

    • Anon

      I would add that IP LLMs can be helpful if you are in an IP-adjacent field, like tech licensing.

      I did a concurrent JD and Banking LLM, mostly because the classes were more interesting and taught by practitioners (as opposed to academics). I don’t think it gave my resume a boost (but it did boost my GPA). Cosign that trying to negotiate school and biglaw hours would be very hard, and I would ask your firm to reduce your billables during the school term-time.

    • anon

      Agree with others – unless it’s a tax LLM from NYU or Georgetown, do NOT get an LLM. My husband works in PM and i’ve never heard of anyone getting an IP LLM that has any value. I think most people would look at the LLM and be confused as to why you spent the money (sorry to be so blunt).

  3. Anonymous

    I had twins a few weeks ago and have been extremely stressed/anxious about the name that we gave one of them. DH and I chose the less traditional spelling (not for the purposes of being unique, but for some reason the more traditional spelling just looked visually unappealing to me and the spelling we chose is not made up, I do know other people with the spelling) and so far when twin A was in the NICU and at the pediatrician’s office the name has been mispronounced. I feel like the worst mother and a total idiot because it honestly never occurred to me that people would mispronounce it the way that they have or have so much trouble pronouncing it.

    Just looking at or writing down the name, and even saying the name aloud is causing me so much angst. I already feel less bonded with twin A due to the time in the nicu, twin A so far is a harder baby and having the name cause me so much stress. But I also feel so guilty and like the worst mom for feeling more connected with one twin over the other. Also, what kind of mom cannot stand to write down or even say their child’s name?!? DH is being very supportive and so we are strongly considering filing the necessary paperwork to amend the birth certificate and social security card to change the spelling (yes, we realize this will be a huge pain, but figure that this is our child’s name for life, so the short term challenge should not be a deterrent) – is this totally crazy? (I do know of someone else who changed the spelling of their child’s name post birth) We will also need to reorder or trash any personalized gifts we’ve received because it is unfair for one twin to have them and the other one not to, which is creating additional work for myself. I realize I probably sound kind of nuts and that on some level this is the postpartum hormones, but I really do not want my child to go through life with so many people mispronouncing their name or for me to freak out every time I hear someone mispronounce it. It feels unfair for one twin to have to deal with that, while the other one doesn’t. I am sure people will judge us for changing the spelling and I am kind of embarrassed.

      • Legally Brunette

        + 1

        First off, congratulations on your twins! How exciting. If the name bothers you this much I would absolutely change it. I suspect that very few people will even notice and fewer will care. Do this now, while baby is still so young. You have enough going on now, this is one less source of stress to get rid of.

        With that said, know that any name– even the most simple — can get mispronounced/misspelled. So don’t be disappointed if you change the spelling and people still get it wrong sometimes. I have a friend with the easiest name and people say it wrong all the time. But that’s ok. I have a very unusual name that people get wrong all the time and I have just accepted that I will always need to correct people.

        Good luck.

      • Susanne

        I have been called “Susan” my entire life, including by coworkers who have known me for years, because of my name’s slightly unusual spelling. Changing it will make your child’s life easier.

    • question of the day

      Not being a parent, I would suggest not stressing in the kindest possible way. I have an incredibly common name (think Jessica or Sarah) and people mispronounce/misspell it all the time. It happens. Your children will both be fine. You likely have enough on your plate right now that you don’t need to stress about something additional. Congratulations on the additions to your family.

      • anon

        Same here. When I tell people my name, they respond, “Tarah? Cara? Farah?”

        No, it’s Sarah.

        Even simple things can be confusing for people. I wouldn’t worry quite so much, but do what you want to do. And try not to stress about bonding with one twin over the other. You are two weeks in! Things will even out. Life is long. There will be ups and downs with both. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself now and maybe try to see the humor in all the stress? Like, one day you will look back and be like, man what a crazy time, but we made it through.

      • Coach Laura

        I agree OP, change it. And be kind to yourself.

        Also realize that unless the name is Bill, it may get mispronounced at some point. I get called two versions of “Laura”. One is pronounced “Lara” and the other is pronounced “Lora”. Small change but my parents pronounced it “Lara”. Most people from the East Coast say “Lara” while on the West Coast people say “Lora”. I can often even predict where someone is from based on how they pronounce it. Hopefully, the pronunciation will become a non-issue for you and your family.

        • Anon

          Yep, my name is Laurie and most often mispronounced as Lori. I am mostly in the not caring camp, but my family always saw it as a kind of test – as in, if you’re really my friend (or a worthy SO), you will pronounce my name correctly.

          • Anon

            Exactly! Most people pronounce Laura lawra but pronounce Laurie lore-y. It’s more like Lawry.

    • Anonymous

      So I have a child with a less traditional though totally accepted (also not made up) spelling of their name (think Brian versus Bryan). Yes, it stinks a little every time I have to tell someone “yes, Bryan with a Y” and I’m sure they will get their name wrong on several name tags over the years, but if there was a reason you picked it, try to remember that and hold on to that.

      As for being less attached over the name, with my first, I never said her name at all until she was like 4 months old. I called her baby or sweetie. I just had trouble associating the name with her. I think the NICU time and just having bonding issues at all (which is so super common!) could be impacting that here.

      Finally, is there a nickname you could use instead? It may be easier to start telling people, “oh we’re calling him Skip” or a shortened version of his name, rather than trying to totally change it legally. I have several family members that go by names that are not even remotely close to their own legal name.

    • AIMS

      Just change the name. No one will judge you because many people won’t even remember. I have a kid with several potential spellings of a name and people routinely ask me how it’s spelled even though I have told them before, sometimes more than once. I am all for changing your name to whatever makes your life happier or easier. I even know someone who changed a child’s name altogether and it was fine. I also have friends who hated their chosen kids name (too long) and really wish they had done something about it right away but now feel it’s too late. Anyway, all this is to say, do it if you have regrets.

      BUT – also, make sure that you’re doing okay because hormones post-partum are very real and very terrible! Be kind and gentle with yourself. Talk to people about this. Talk to your doctor at your 6 week check up, or even sooner if needed. It sounds like you have a lot going on and that’s tough under the best of circumstances.

      • Clementine

        The NICU is hard (NICU mom here). Like, really hard. You also don’t have the same experience at all that most new moms do – I really had to grieve for that experience and acknowledge that I had jealousy of people who would talk about their ‘first days home’ experience.

        Second, if it bothers you just change it. I know someone who changed the name very shortly after birth – she just really regretted the name she chose and realized that the middle name was a much better fit for the kiddo.

        Also, if you are the Maia/Maya commenter from a little while ago, extra love.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, hugs. I suspect this is the Maya/Maia person too and if you want your daughter called Maya you will 100% not regret changing it to that spelling. (And I love the name Maya so much! I think it’s absolutely beautiful.)

          • Anonymous

            I’m clearly missing something – I only see one pronunciation of Maya/Maia. What are the two?

          • Anonymous

            Many people would say Maia is May-uh rather than My-uh. Someone asked a week or two ago how people would pronounce it and most people said May-uh.

          • Anon

            OP here. Actually not the Maya/Maia person – my twin at issue here is a boy, but I did google ‘name regret’ like someone else suggested and apparently I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. Thanks for the kind comments.

        • Anonymous

          +1 to all this. My son is turning 6 today and the NICU is now long in the past, but it was really hard. And I only had 1 baby! Give yourself a break. Whatever you do will be okay. If it were me, I think I would set a date to revisit this decision after the “4th trimester” and give yourself permission not to worry about it for a couple months. you are in survival mode right now, and hormones, exhaustion, and physical recovery are going to make anything feel much more daunting/important/all-consuming. But really, it’s okay either way.

          Also, FWIW I go by a nickname that is spelled slightly unusually and easily confused with a different nickname for my real name. My doctor wrote the wrong nickname on my chart, and people mispronounce it fairly regularly. It has never really bothered me; it’s just how it is. Also, my FATHER once spelled it the other way on my birthday card, when I was about 12, and we have a good relationship. So you will really have to work harder than this to scar your baby for life.

          • Anon

            My SO’s name is Juan and his GRANDMOTHER once had something monogrammed for him (I think handkerchiefs?) with a W. Seriously.

    • mascot

      Wow, this sounds like a stressful couple of weeks. Personally, I’d wait until some of the stress has abated and see if things get better.

    • anon

      I’d just change it! Wouldn’t worry about fairness between the twins or anything like that, but this is actually a pretty easy thing to do (not crazy easy but not that bad) and low risk. I think spellings are important! Go for it! one thing off your plate.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s a big deal to change a name post-birth. It’s not like you’re changing a four year old’s name. The baby obviously doesn’t know her name and will never even have to know it was changed. But I also don’t think having a name misspelled all the time is a big deal unless you absolutely hate the misspelling. E.g., if you like both Sophia and Sofia, I don’t think it’s a big deal if your kid regularly gets the other one. I do have a friend who named her daughter something that is one letter off from a word in her native language that means something absolutely terrible, so obviously she gets very upset about that misspelling.

    • Anonymous

      As a parent, people will judge you for this, true, but they will also judge you for a million other things, so no need to rush to beat yourself up (or sign up for 18 years of this mentality).

      If it pleases you to change it, change it and move fwd. Or let it sit for a month and see how you feel. I would say that most people don’t make their best decisions after being sleep deprived (and possibly having undergone major abdominal surgery and/or major disruption down there) + hormone fog. In the big scheme of things, it is NBD. At least you didn’t get a tattoo also, no?

      • Anon in NYC

        +1. Do it if you want, or don’t do it. This is not the time to worry about other people’s judgment.

        And, gently, if you’re this anxious about it, you should consider talking to your OB about PPD. It sometimes manifests as anxiety rather than depression as we normally think about it. It sounds like you have had a stressful few weeks coupled with wildly shifting hormones.

        • Anonymous

          Anyone who would judge a parent over changing an infant’s name is not someone whose judgment matters. I personally think the typical time frame for choosing a name is unreasonable (sometimes you meet your baby and your previously chosen names go out the window; this is okay, it’s worth giving it another shot to get it right).

    • Anonymous

      First, no matter what you choose everything will turn out fine. I grew up with an uncommon name and an uncommon spelling and I’m totally fine! I have several cousins who also have downright weird spellings to their names and they’re fine too. On the other hand, if you decide to change the spelling now I also don’t think that’s a big deal either. People will eventually forget about the first spelling and the new spelling will just be the child’s name. You can’t go wrong here! Ultimately I think you need to talk to your husband and figure out which you are more comfortable with and just go with it. This does NOT make you a bad mom and I have no doubt you’ll bond with Twin A — it’s clear that you care about this baby very much! Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family! Hugs!!

      • Anon

        +1 I was coming here to say this. I have an untraditional and with a spelling that looks nothing like how my name is pronounced. From a young age, I learned to gracefully correct people the first time they mispronounced my name, and it was fine after that. I never resented my parents or thought they did anything wrong by choosing my name and spelling it the way they did. As an adult, I sometimes think having an unusually spelled name helped me develop some character.

        • emeralds

          +many! My parents always called me a kind of wacky nickname with a non-intuitive spelling, such that it is my name on everything other than legal documents–like if the name on my passport is Mary Katherine, I go by Kaytie. It’s not the most usual but I roll with it. OP, you have no wrong choices here–only the choice that’s right for you and your family. The care and love that you feel for your new baby comes through very clearly in your post. Please be kind to yourself!

    • Panda Bear

      First of all, you are definitely not the worst mom! I can only imagine how overwhelming and stressful brand new twins must be, especially with one of them having to be in the NICU. You are going through a lot, and doing your best.

      I guess if I were in your shoes, I might just wait and see how I feel in a few weeks. There’s no rush to change the spelling immediately; it’s not like the baby is going to know/care that you changed the spelling of his/her name right now, or when they are a few months older. If you do decide to change the spelling, don’t be embarrassed! Sure, some people might think it’s odd, but who cares. It’s up to you and your husband. Good luck with everything!

    • Anonymous

      Yes, change it. You will regret it if you don’t do it now. But now I really want to know what the name/spelling is!

    • DCR

      I think it depends on how weird of a spelling it is. I have a very common name that can be spelled either of two ways. I have the less common spelling (but still pretty wide spread), and, if I want my name spelled right, always have to spell it out for a person. Besides the fact that I was sad I couldn’t find personalized gifts at gift shops when I was a kid, it has never bothered me (and that is a problem that many kids have) – in fact, I’m glad I have this spelling as opposed to the other; after 30+ years, the other way of spelling the name doesn’t connect with me. My name is also similar to a few other names, with only 1 letter difference, and I have had to deal with some mispronunciations. It doesn’t bother me and I thinks is fairly common if the name isn’t John, Hake, Sarah, Jessica.

      Having said all of that, if it is a very uncommon spelling that is considered odd and people will think is made up, I would consider changing it. But that is mainly because I think it’s crazy how people are using made-up spellings for common names and then getting mad that people get them wrong.

    • Anonymous

      I think there are 2 things at play here.

      1. Your concern over the pronunciation due to the less usual spelling
      2. PP hormones at play which is affecting how you feel about #1

      Regarding the name, we gave my Daughter a lovely name that could and is spelt in a couple of different ways, depending on which region you hail from. The pronunciation varies too depending on this. And I cannot stand the one we didn’t pick so it was a BIG DEAL for me. Plus even if you never heard the name before, you could still mispronounce it because our way of spelling the name could still confuse you if you didn’t belong to my ethnicity.

      Think Caroline vs Carolyn. Or Ayesha vs Aisha.

      I politely correct people who mispronounce her name and proactively let her Teachers know how to pronounce it. It’s never been an issue. But only you know how much effort you’re willing to put in, and how upset you might get.

      Regarding #2, don’t worry about the bonding. It will come in time. You’re not a bad mum, just a stressed mum.
      Do you have support taking care of the twins apart from your Husband? Can you hand off Twin B to your mum/MIL and spend more time with A?

    • K

      You chose the name for lots of reasons. People mispronounce and misspell my name all the time and I have a fairly common name with a less common spelling. My last name looks intimidating but its really just phonetic but people get it wrong all the time. It really isn’t a big deal, and people that regularly interact with your child will get used to it.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Please please be gentle with yourself. You just grew and birthed two humans! They spent time in the NICU! Your brain is working overtime and you are fixating on the issue of Baby A’s name, because it’s something you can control in the midst of all the uncontrollable things you’ve just experienced.

      Call the baby by her first initial for now, or give her a silly nickname that makes you smile. Then revisit this in a couple months if you still want to.

    • anon for this

      This isn’t really what you asked, but I just wanted to say that I have 5 year old twins (our only kids)and when they were newborn (like, probably until they were 3ish months old?), my husband and I were both wrecks. We were in total survival mode. I look at my friends who have a newborn and they’re tired, but also totally overjoyed. It was not a joyous experience for us. I think it might be because my head was always on a swivel. If I got one baby settled, I was worried about the other–like there was always a moving target. I didn’t just enjoy the moment. I worried I wasn’t bonding with my kids like I was supposed to, and we were fortunate not to have any NICU stay. Basically, my point is: be kind to yourself. It will come. You will bond with your kids.. And someday you will hardly be able to remember this frantic time period. And if you want to deal with the name issue, there is nothing you need to do now that you can’t do in 3 months. For real.

      • MU JD

        As a mom of twin boys that are 18 and graduating from high school this week, I agree with the pp that the first three months are a blur. Both of my boys were in the NICU, and that is so, so difficult. Give yourself a break, the bonding will come with time and all of the chaos of the first several months will quickly be in the rearview mirror.

        As far as names go, my kids both have very traditional, commonly spelled names that often get misspelled and our last name is always mis-pronounced. In fact, I’m sure it will be messed up during graduation. I used to get really upset, but at some point learned to just roll with it. But, if you’re unhappy with your decision, now is a good time to make the change.

        Best wishes to you!

    • H

      I don’t think you are totally crazy. I’m of the opinion that a person’s name is a big deal. If you can’t even stand to say it or write it down, I think that’s a problem. However, I would maybe wait until things settle down a bit and make sure you want to do it and it’s not just not hormones and lack of sleep stress. Although no one talks about it, it is pretty common not to bond with your baby right off the bat. Is twin A home now? That will help a lot. Hugs. New babies are HARD. You’ll figure it out. And if you decide to change twin A’s name, it’s not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

    • Anonymous

      I have a fairly common name with a million different variations (Caitlin) and people misspell and mispronounce it ALL THE TIME. It’s fine, I promise. But I think your real problem is your stress, hormones and lack of sleep. Take care of yourself.

    • Anon

      Google name regret. It’s a real thing. Change it now while she’s a baby, and junk the personalized gifts.

    • KatieWithaK

      Katherine over here. Yes, with a K. -erine. Even common names have different spellings and pronunciations (Though not Emma. That one made me laugh). Unless you’re spelling Olivia “Aliviya” or Jessica “Jyssaka” or something like that, I don’t think it’s an issue.

      • Anonymous

        And I’m a Kathryn. And my “Katy” has been spelled wrong for 31 years, and I turned out just fine.

      • Names

        I know an Ema. But that is crazy that people don’t know how to pronounce Emma. Reminds me of a Monty Python skit.

    • Another Complicated Baby Name

      We named our little girl with a traditionally boy name, and even though we knew that is what we wanted to name her, I had a hard time with it immediately after she was born. I was stressed because the Grandmas would only call her by a nickname, and everyone misspelled her name – trying to make it more feminine – or they thought she was a boy. She also has a complicated middle name, and I was worried that I had used the wrong middle initial convention in all of her paperwork. Now that she is older, I am not stressed about it at all. I don’t correct the Grandmas, even if it irritates me (not worth the battle), and I don’t correct the gender label (who cares if she gets superhero things?). I love her name, and it fits her.

      I’m telling you all of this to say that having a new born baby is stressful – let alone two! Feel free to change your baby’s name (I know people who have), but maybe give yourself some space to breathe. If in six months it still doesn’t fit, then proceed. You have so much on your plate right now, that you deserve to give yourself one thing at a time. And maybe the name will seem right as they baby grows. I second the suggestions to give the baby a nickname in the mean time. You’ll get there. You are doing a good job.

    • lawsuited

      Your body just went through the wringer and is swirling with a very heavy cocktail of hormones so absolutely nothing that you feel right now is a reflection of you as a person AT ALL. You are not a bad mom. You are not a bad mom. You are not a bad mom.

      You. Are not. A bad mom.

      Re: the name. Your newborn’s name is not going to impact her very much in the next little while, so keep calling her whatever you like calling her, and wait a few months to decide whether you need to change the spelling or not. It’ll be the same amount to change it in a few months as it will be to change it now, but you may feel differently in a few months.

    • Anonymous

      Just change it. It’s not a big deal. People won’t judge you. You’re not a bad mom.

      Yes, you’re hyper-stressing over this right now, but I’d also change the name.

      You’re not a bad mom. You’re exhausted, stressed, hormonal, and sleepless. You’re not a bad mom.

      DO NOT worry about all those personalized gifts and “being fair” to one twin over the other. They are infants. They do not know or care.

    • Shananana

      So, my parents chose my unusual spelling for a very similar reason (they thought the traditional spellings looked more masculine or like I was named after my father). So, for 36 years most people say my name wrong when they first meet me. And you know what, I wouldn’t change it for anything! It helps me weed out strangers, is a conversation starter, and a good read on whether people give a S** about you or not. Oh, we’ve known each other a year and you still repeatedly say my name wrong? Cool, I no longer need to take you seriously. So, if that is your main reason, just know as the grown up version I wouldn’t change my name for anything. I am also the only person with my first and last name combination in the google, and it is part of the reason I will never change my last name.

      There is a beautiful poem from Warsan Shire on difficult names that I keep on my refrigerator that ends “my name doesn’t allow me to trust anyone that cannot pronounce it right.”

    • Sarah

      My name is Sarah. It’s spelled Sara all the time. I don’t care and don’t bother to correct people. No one mispronounces it though. Surprisingly to me, people often remember my name as being Susan. When I was born, my parents planned on calling me Sally as a nickname. For various reasons, Sally didn’t stick. But I still have a Christmas stocking that says “Sally’s First Christmas” and I like it because it’s part of my story.
      All to say, I bet Twin A’s name is fine. Common names are misspelled and mispronounced and confused with other common names all the time. I like the idea of calling Twin A by a nickname that you may feel more attached to. And if you do decide to change it, maybe you don’t need to throw away all the personalized stuff; the stuff is part of Twin A’s story too.

      • anon

        YES. Another Sarah who gets called Susan here. What is up with that??? Susan isn’t even a common name, I don’t think?

        • Anonymous

          hahahahahhaa depends on the generation. For the 1940s-1960s generation it’s one of the absolute most common names.

      • Anonymous

        My name is Jessica and I get called Jennifer all the time. Like, not a week goes by that someone doesn’t call me Jennifer. It is so weird.

      • SquashBlossoms

        I’m a Sarah who has been consistently called “Laura” my entire life! What’s really strange is that my parents *almost* named me Laura, until a family member (with middle name “Sarah”) died a week before I was born.

      • NOLA

        I most often am called Julie or Carrie (neither is my name). My parents also almost named me Carrie. The worst was recently when a high level administrator was trying to get my attention in front of a bunch of other faculty and was saying “Carrie… Carrie… Carrie..” and I didn’t turn around because it’s NOT MY NAME. Ugh.

        • Anonymous

          I am routinely called Heather or Rachel. Neither is my name. Language is weird!

    • Anonymous

      Good luck parenting, as you sound like you have issues. Btw your snowflake will be fine if his name is mispronounced.

      • Anon

        Really? Why comment. Just pass on by. The last thing a new parent needs is a jerky troll. Poof. Be gone!

      • lawsuited

        OP, please ignore this comment. I genuinely wish you the very best of luck in your parenting journey because it is will likely be the toughest and most joyful thing you ever do.

      • Metallica

        It seems like *you’re* the snowflake with issues, since you’re the one who is apparently so irritated by this name issue that you will hide behind the anonymity of the internetz to attack someone who just gave birth. Take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is really who you want to be.

      • Anonymous

        You clearly have not had a child and have no experience in the insane hormone situation thats happens shortly afterwards and makes things that may seem small to others THE BIGGEST DEAL IN THE WORLD.

    • Twin Mom

      Hard to give an opinion on whether or not to change it without knowing the details, but wanted to chime in on the broader situation. I have twin boys who were in the NICU for a bit. I felt a preference for one early on, I think because the other had a health scare and was a bit fussier. I felt guilty but just told myself to give it time. Over the last few years, I have felt my preference shift back and forth, sometimes because one is easier and sometimes because we are worried about one of them. I think it’s fine — I truly don’t love one more, but sometimes I feel closer to one. Kids are just people and sometimes we feel closer or less close to the people in our lives. The difference is that twins provide such an easy point of comparison. I was also overwhelmed with hormones until a while after I stopped nursing. I didn’t even have “bad” hormones – I was just extra emotional about everything. Every time something felt unequal (names, time, attention, feelings), I was distressed.

      One of my sons has a top 200 name that people easily like. The other is more like top 500 but rare and rhymes with a common girl’s name. I knew people wouldn’t necessarily love it right away, but I didn’t anticipate having to spell it three times every time I call to make his doctor’s appointment. I’m pretty sure now a lot of people love it… just took some time. And even if they don’t, we do. Most people actually think we gave our kids utterly insane names because they gave each other nicknames and we use them, so it’s common for people to ask me “excuse me, what are their names?!” at the park.

      No idea if any of this is helpful, but whatever you decide, your child will be fine. Give things time and you will gain comfort from seeing how your preferences shift all around and circle back. Twins are really hard in so many ways, and the focus is very often on the logistical part at the expense of the emotional. It’s real, and it’s not just you. But then it gets awesome! And it’s so wonderful to hear one twin calling the other’s name. Hang in there. You’re doing great!

    • Anon

      I read recently that if “everyone pronounces it wrong, you spelled it wrong.” Just change it now and you won’t regret it. Congratulations on your twins!!

    • Anonymous

      I think a lot of people won’t even notice if you just change the spelling. I still double check the spelling of my nieces and nephews’ names sometimes.

      I once noticed how many stories in the Old Testament involve changing baby’s names (IIRC, sometimes from things like “pain and grief” to more hopeful names–and sometimes, since it’s the Old Testament, from nicer names to things like “pain and grief”). My understanding was that it was hard for the mothers in these stories to hear the names they first chose and be reminded of so many things.

    • Susan

      Just change it. My mother told me when I had my sons to give them an easy to say, easy to spell, easy to remember name. They will appreciate it their entire lives! One son–Eric–has even complained that why do people ask him to spell it? Erik is an option. So, just change it, it is a gift to her, and will make your life easier.

      My friends who gave children unusual names have some regrets.

      Go for it! no problem, and congratulations, and get some sleep!

    • anon

      Definitely change the spelling if it’s bothering you. I have friends who change their child’s name entirely a few weeks after the birth, because they felt the original choice just didn’t fit once they starting getting to know their baby. It’s really no big deal.

      But also, definitely share the angst you are feeling about not bonding with one of the babies, and in general, with their MD, or you own primary care MD. It does sound like you may be experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression, and it’s so important to get the support you need as soon as possible if that’s the case.

    • Anonymous

      I changed my first name as an adult – I was born outside the US and have a name that is common in my birth country but not here. The way it was transliterated when I came here created confusion – it was similar to a more common in the US name, so I got called that or variants of that, and no one could seem to remember the correct pronunciation. So I changed it to phonetically reflect how it was correctly pronounced. It was a weird and awkward few months as I had to change it on a ton of documents and records, and decide to leave some as they are (my college diploma has the old spelling). But in the end, having a name that is easier to pronounce (it’s still foreign so still not easy) has been a huge blessing and I’m glad I did it.

      When my kid was born, I gave them a name that is common in my culture and family, but went with the common American spelling to make their path through life in the US easier.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Hugs, mama.

      I gave my kid a medium common name that is absolutely misspelled (think like, naming a kid “Windy” and always getting “Wendy” … though moderately less hippie). On my (private!) instagram she always gets hashtagged #WindyWithAnI (but for her actual name) and that’s helped friends and family really get what her real name. I’ve had my moments of “ugh what am I dooooing” but mostly I love her name. And she can spell it herself now! Time flies!

      When my kid (a singleton!) was first born, I remember everything feeling so *forever.* Like she had scratched her face in utero, and had little scratches on her cheeks, and I remember thinking that she would be my beautiful baby with scratches on her cheeks forever. Like I had lost all sense that time passes, bodies heal, people grow. Which totally threw everything out of proportion. (Also, I had pretty bad PPD and PPA, in retrospect.) This is a gentle reminder to you, too, that what likely feels enormous is actually manageable. And that you are NOT A BAD MOM. Is there a trusted bestie you can talk to about all of this? <3 <3 <3

    • Anon

      I would give yourself a break. You will not feel this way 6 months from now, either about the name or about favoring one twin. It is the hormones and exhaustion speaking. Don’t make any big decisions right now. It will be an equal hassle now or six months from now so why not wait?

      And please, please talk to your OBGYN about how you’re feeling. I had an issue with PPD with one of my babies (had three babies, only experienced more than just the baby blues with one of them) and I didn’t recognize it. That voice in my head telling me I was a bad mom seemed like my rational brain, but it wasn’t. I ended up just getting a little talk therapy for it, and time helped, but I also got a prescription in case things got really bad. Maybe you don’t have PPD, maybe you’re just tired and stressed and mildly hormonal (and you are certainly at least that) but express your feelings to someone other than your husband, give them an airing, and don’t hide them from the world.

      Big hugs to you, you WILL get through this in one piece!

    • MJ

      My parents changed my name about two weeks after my birth to clarify the spelling. NBD. I’d change it, esp. if it’s causing you angst!

    • Names & love

      Names are very important. Go ahead and make the change and never look back. Good luck – the NICU baby will get easier. Just remember that feelings are cyclical. Consider your marriage – I bet you are far more enamored with your husband at some times compared to others. You should expect to appreciate (love) one baby more than the other at times but I bet the favored twin will vary. :) I predict that when you look back at your life, your love for those twins will be like two constantly moving lines on a line graph, all bundled up into a shape that brings you incredible satisfaction and joy.

    • Anonymous

      Obviously you can change the name if you want to, but is that really the cause of your stress here, or just a symptom? If you change your baby’s name and still have the anxiety and stress then what will you do? I think you should talk to your doctor about it.

      Also, I have the less common spelling of a not at all common name and I’m 30 and I’ve turned out just fine. I just correct people when they get it wrong, it’s really NBD.

    • JuniorMinion

      Counterpoint – I have a super common easy to spell name that was the #1 baby name when I was born (think Caroline or Jessica). As a result there were always multiple people with my name in any setting and thus I went through all of high school referred to as variations on my ethnically identifiable last name. So it cuts both ways. As an adult I have always worked in finance and there are so many people from so many different places (internationally) that it has really been zero help to me to have a common American name. Also I’m a woman in a field of basically all men so that’s a far bigger deal.

    • Anon

      Fwiw, I have an unusual (and unusually spelled) name and I’ve come to love it. Sure, sometimes people misspell or mispronounce it, but it’s no big deal. I like that it’s unique and that I’m not easily confused with ten other people with the same name — if you google my name, all of the results are actually about me, and it makes my professional contact information easier to find.

      That said, I’m with others in that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with changing it now or in a few months if you really don’t like it! But I wouldn’t let fear of others’ judgment color your decision either way.

    • BigLaw Sr Assoc

      I would just change it now. I wanted my kids to have classic, simple names spelled in totally normal, American ways. Also, your kids really won’t really care about the personalized gifts – I would just use them anyways or donate/trash them if it bothers you.

      Worth noting I was pretty sensitive about this. My first name is hard for Americans. I picked a somewhat related American name and go by that (think Val instead of Valeriya). To boot, my last name is nearly 30 letters and very consonant heavy – it is so complex that I used a shortened form of my last name in professional communications. When I have to use my legal name, it is not awesome.

    • Frozen Peach

      OP, just wrote you a small essay on the afternoon post. Sending love.

  4. Anon

    I think you are directing a lot of your stress about having babies in the NICU at the name, rather than at… your sick little kids.

    But I still vote to change the name. My suggestion is that the parent of the same sex should occasionally use the potential new name for a bit – order pizza, do a mobile order at Starbucks, use it as a name in a restaurant waiting list – just to see how life works with that name and chosen spelling.

    And bond with your baby despite the guilt!

    • Anonymous

      +1 Most of this isn’t about the name at all. That’s just where the stress is landing.But change it anyway.

  5. Dolce

    People mispronounce everything. My husbands name is very common, Jeffrey, but people mispronounce it. It’s going to happen regardless of the spelling—it’s nothing to panic about.

    It sounds like you’re going through a lot. Perhaps wait until things calm and you have time to adjust before making any drastic changes

    • Anonymous

      Yes this! My daughter is an Emma and multiple (native English speakers) have asked us how to pronounce it. I think weird names are so en vogue now that if you name your child something basic and traditional people assume you might be pronouncing it in a funky way, like they think Emma might be pronounced “Em” or something like that. I don’t know. I find it so bizarre. I have a hard to pronounce name and deliberately chose Emma because it was very simple and still people get it wrong!

      • Never too many shoes...

        I can only imagine how annoying this is for you, but I am in near hysterics at the thought of someone who needs an explanation of Emma. If I were you, I would start answering with just random words…like “of, it is spelled E M M A but pronounced Janice”.

        • Clementine

          Haha- if you’ve ever met my sister she’s someone who goes by her full name even though most people go by a nickname.

          Her: ‘Hi! I’m Elizabeth!’
          Person she’s meeting: ‘So what do you go by?’
          Her: Phillip. No, really, I’m Elizabeth.

    • Anonymous

      Yup. I know a couple “Geoff with a G”s who are always introducing themselves that way because otherwise they get Jeff.

      There’s also Kristin/Kristen/Kirsten and a million other very common names that are often botched. I know a Jackson-with-an-X (Jaxon). A boy named Wells who is 9/10 times called Will. The list goes on and they’ve all managed to be successful people.

      My daughter has two kids in her preschool class, Matthew and Nicholas, whose parents are on a constant crusade to use the full name and *never* have them called Matt/Nick/Nicky. Guess how that’s going? :-)

      If you liked the name and you still like it, keep it! I’d echo that after having 3 kids, you’re just a brain wreck at this point. Perhaps get a voice ofnsanity to weigh in- you could certainly be onto something in which case it’s NBD fonchange the spelling. Or you could just be so, so tired and overwhelmed and this is just one more thing. In six months which name will you love looking at?

      • Anonymous

        I knew a Matthew-not-Matt and Joshua-not-Josh as a child! My mom always told me these kids were examples of why you should never name a child something if you hate the most common nickname for that name. The lesson stuck :)

        • Anonymous

          It can go the other way too. My uncle’s name is Matt, just Matt. Not Matthew. The number of nice things he has that say “Matthew” is humorous (like his embossed bible from his confirmation).

          • Anonymous

            Yep, my cousin is Beth – just Beth, not Elizabeth or anything like that. It’s been very confusing for people.

          • waffles

            My sister is Beth – just Beth too.
            Apparently it’s my fault, because my parents asked ~two-year-old me what to name my baby sister, and I chose Beth. She is still mad at me :)

      • January

        Hahahaha… as a “January” who prefers “January” to “Jan” (obviously not my real name or nickname), this is going to be a lifelong battle for Matthew and Nicholas.

          • January

            Hahaha, I meant obviously not my real name for privacy purposes! Someone else used my actual name as an example.

            But still, don’t call me Jan. ;)

      • Pompom

        Had I been a boy, there was an idea to name me Nicholas or Joseph. My mom vetoed, as she didn’t want a Nicky or Joey. Of course, the name they picked for me ends in a Y and has cutesy potential…so, nice try, mom?

      • Anonanon

        It can be done! My mom was insistent no one call me a shortened version of my name. It helped that I *hate* the shortened version and will correct people if they try to call me by that name.

      • Rainbow Hair

        And then there’s also… my kid just picked a rockstar nickname, unrelated to her given name or any nickname, for herself when she was 18 months-ish. Like imagine a pigtailed toddler pointing at a cookie yelling, “Bjork cookie! Bjork have it!” So much is out of our control. (:

        • SuziStockbroker

          So true! My mum insisted everyone call me by my full (long, old fashioned) name. As soon as I was able to, I started calling myself by a shortened version (that I still have to spell for people but it is only 4 letters).

          My daughter has a long full first name as well (7 letters). The nickname we would have normally used was already “taken” by a 2nd cousin a few years older (not the same full name, but same nickname). My daughter came up with her own nickname when she was learning how to talk and it stuck for many years. Once she went to high school (and changed to a school no one knew her), she reverted to her full name.

    • Anon

      this. My name is Rose. It gets mispronounced and misspelled all the time. It’s really astounding.

      • Anonymous

        …. I think that’s even crazier than mispronouncing Emma! How do they say it? Ros-ay like the wine?

        • Anon

          Rosa and Rosie are the most common, followed by Ross and Ruth. It’s weird.

          I run into Ross a lot with work paperwork/emails from people who don’t know me. I guess the male bias in my field extends to me apparently being a dude who doesn’t know how to spell his own name?

      • Anon

        I know I’m late to the party, but I’m also a Rose who gets an astounding number of wrong pronunciations. I went by Rosy as a kid, which didn’t make it better. (Add Rosita, Roseanne, Roxy, Ross-ee, and even Ryan to the list.) And yes, what’s up with the Ross??? I even got “Rob” once.

  7. Anonymous

    What would your dream job be? If money weren’t a concern; if you didn’t feel compelled to use your degree if you didn’t want to; if you could live anywhere…what would you be?

      • Pompom

        In a similar vein, inventor of a way to keep my current dogs alive and happy and healthy FOREVER, then I’d quit and become a full time puppy cuddler/magical pina coladas-without-calories-or-hangovers drinker/beach laze-about-er.

    • Anon for this

      Honestly, what I do now — appellate attorney for the federal gov’t. While sometimes I think it would be nice to be some famous singer or live in Hawaii doing something on the beach, the reality is that I think I would get bored intellectually after a while.

      • Travelling Lawyer

        +1 same– the ability to be a lawyer remotely so I could live in different countries. Maybe help set up a legal clinic/NGO/whatever and then jet off to another country for vacation. Then do it all over again

    • Anonymous

      My dream job would be doing my current job 9 months of the year and having the other 3 months to live/travel abroad. DH is a teacher and kids are out of school in the summer and if it weren’t for my job we could just like, rent an apartment in Paris for 3 months and I think that would be absolutely incredible.

      • Anonymous

        I follow VeggieDayz on insta and every time I think, I want to be a kitten foster mom. but I don’t have the space/time.

    • lawsuited

      I would be a professional organizer. I am always recruited my friends to help (downsize and) organize their closets, kitchens, basements and I LOVE it.

      • Anonymous

        I am a Virgo and feel like my soul calls me to always consider how spaces could work differently, like my house is a giant game of Tetris that never ends.

      • NAPO

        Yes! NAPO is a great organization for professional organizing, even at the hobby level.

    • Anonymous

      I honestly don’t know because each time I have tried to turn something I love into a job, it’s ruined it for me.

    • Independently Wealthy

      I think being independently wealthy and not needing to work would be my ideal job. I love philanthropy and volunteering and there are about a million causes I care about and I spend a lot of my non-billable time doing that work, as well as give fairly generously.

      I also have a pretty time-intensive hobby and would love to train in the afternoons or middle of the day, like I used to in law school. I also like traveling, though grew up in very modest circumstances, so I never actually did. I am currently paying off debt, so that I can do some serious traveling!

      I would also audit classes at my local university! I am a huge nerd and totally miss school.

      • Pretty Primadonna

        Independently wealthy is also my answer. I’d also like to be a philanthropist. “Famous for being famous” wouldn’t be so bad.

    • Linda from HR

      I don’t know the exact job title, but I wanna be the person who picks the old music for creepy video games set in the early-mid 20th century, like Fallout and Bioshock.

      • anon

        Yeah, if I also magically get the talent, I’d like to be a professional athlete in my chosen sport…

    • Candidate

      I want to be in politics full time. I want to legislate.

      Currently doing it part-time (30 hours/week) on top of a day job (40 hours/week) and would LOVE to JUST do the politics part.

    • Anonymous

      In the great words of Office Space, nothing. I would lie around all day with dogs watching TV and reading.

    • Annony

      Ambassador to the UK. I hear they have the best embassy. After this administration is over, obvs.

    • Anonymous

      Trainer or yoga instructor. Or life guard. I think I am meant to work at my gym.

    • anon

      my dream would be not to have a job, so I feel like dream job is a self-cancelling phrase

      • anon

        But if I had to have a job, independently wealthy personal shopper for equally wealthy clients. Yeah, I could do that and it wouldn’t seem like a job.

    • Anonymous

      Well, I’d be an astronaut if I could do it 9-5 and still see my kids daily.

      I’d also be a surgeon if I didn’t have to go to school fornir and could work 9-5. I don’t need the pay, I just think I’d be good at it and the work is fascinating. Not enough to do the training, though.

    • BigLaw Sr Assoc

      Some sort of public interest litigation job involving prisoner’s rights/overturning wrongful convictions/etc.

        • BigLaw Sr Assoc

          Sure, and there are organizations in my city as well, but that would involve a massive paycut that I would only take if I were already wealthy.

  8. young atty

    So I’ve worked at 2 law firms as an associate now and an issue I’ve noticed at both is: a problem arises that, using my very best judgment I deem high priority, time sensitive, and requires the partner’s attention. But, the partner will not give me or the problem the time of day, and so when I push they literally tell me I’m being obnoxious and that I’m bothering them. I’m quite shy and reserved so it takes a lot for me to pester a partner knowing they don’t want to hear about it. In my view I wouldn’t be doing my job if I just sat on the issue. Advice on how to deal? Relevant info: Litigation, second year attorney, male partners, firm size of 10 attys or less.

    • Anonymous

      Most partners don’t want to be bothered to think. “Partner, XYZ issue arose on the ABC matter. I propose responding with _____. The deadline is DATE [if an external deadline exists] / Client will be best served by a response no later than DATE. Please confirm I should respond in this way.”

      Sometimes, the partner doesn’t respond because they want you to figure it out. Sometimes, the partner doesn’t respond because they are settling the case and they know it won’t matter. Sometimes, the partner doesn’t respond because they simply miss your email. Regardless, come to them with a proposed course of action so that they can simply say “yes” or “no.” If you need help, go to another attorney at your firm, explain the problem, explain what you are confused about / where you need advice, and then come up with proposed next steps.

      • baseballfan

        Agree. This has nothing to do with its being a small firm or the gender of the partners or the area of law or frankly whether it is law or another field. Bosses expect and appreciate more junior people coming to them with a solution, not just a problem. Suggest a course of action and enable to them to simply say they agree or they don’t.

      • Ellen

        In my judgement, when my asssociate asks me a question, it is always best to respond, b/c they do NOT know anything and need guidance from me, now that I am a partner. If partner’s elsewhere do this, I say FOOEY on them. They should be helpful to the new associate, as their partner was to them when they were new.

    • lawsuited

      Given that you’re a second year, there’s a good chance that you’re seeing things you’re not sure how to do as high priorities although those things are not actually things that would usually require a partner’s attention. Is there a more senior associate you can ask first to confirm whether you’re prioritizing correctly?

      If you are prioritizing correctly, the partner may be responding negatively because of the way you’re presenting the problem. As Anonymous at 10:43 says, partners want to be able to give yes/no response that doesn’t take up much time. Saying “there’s an urgent problem on file X, what do we do?” will go over like a ton of bricks whereas “on file X, which is the fraud case for client Y that is going to discovery next month, we received financial disclosure from our client that wasn’t included in the Affidavit of Documents we served last month. 2 pages of the disclosure are problematic because [reasons]. I recommend putting those 2 pages in our Schedule B and the rest in our Schedule A. Can I go ahead and do that?” will be better received.

      • Anon

        She says she has worked at 2 law firms as an associate, not that she is a second year. She could be a sixth or eight year which, in such case, the partner may expect you to resolve the matter alone.

        • Anonymous

          She says both that she’s worked at two law firms and that she’s a second-year attorney. Confusing.

          • OP

            Yep- both are true. Worked at my first firm for a bit over 1 year, have been at my second firm for about 6 months

    • BigLaw Sr Assoc

      What kind of problems are these? As a lit associate, I generally work on court filings, discovery, letters to opposing counsel, trial prep stuff, and sometimes diligence type stuff. That’s pretty standard I think. I send a draft and if I don’t hear back in a reasonable amount of time, I follow-up. It would be odd for a partner to tell me to essentially go away. Are you talking about something different?

  9. Anonymous

    TJ: what do you wish you had known/thought about when buying your first home? DH and I are getting ready to make an offer on a house!

    • Clementine

      Set aside roughly $2k for just… random expenses. No, not renovations or repairs. But things like, ‘Huh. Apparently I just spent $60 because I had to go buy 3 bath mats and 3 toilet brushes and 3 bottles of hand soap because I need these things.

      Other things you will likely have to spend money on: lawn and garden equipment (e.g., rakes, mower, garden gloves, etc.), outdoor seating, a BBQ grill, a basement/garage storage system, a dehumidifier… the list goes on and on.

      • Anonymous

        +1 We just bought our first house (4 bedroom 1600sq feet). We actually set aside $10,000 for this sort of stuff. We were gifted all of the lawn care stuff including mower, blower, weed wacker, etc… and that cost like $800 total. We also had to buy a ton of area rugs and rug pads because of the hardwood floors. Then additional bathroom decor as Clementine mentions above. Then rando updates like replacing all of the vents in the house (because ours were original and 1960s grossness). Oh yeh…and window treatments ran us around $800 total for all of the blinds/curtain rods/curtains. And I went with target curtains!

        Also – everyone I know who has bought a home has had some sort of surprise repair within the first few months. And we definitely just had ours. So make sure you have enough cash on hand for a repair even if the inspection comes back great.

    • L

      I agree with Clementine. Also, do as many renovations as possible before you move in! And don’t underestimate the amount of time you need to spend on the lawn/garden, including watering. I wish we had an irrigation system! And flower beds need a lot of weeding.

      Drive the commute at the peak times to see what it would be like. And check out the neighborhood and different times during the day and on weekends.

    • Anonymous

      Really think about the cost of updates that you want to do, or realistically what the cost will be to make needed improvements. My husband and I bought a place where one room has a noticeably sagging floor. The rest of the floor seems structurally sound so we thought it was just a “simple” matter of replacing a floor joist. But really, fixing one joist could cost us 5-10k or more in labor + materials + permits. And heaven help us if there are other problems underneath the floor!

    • Anonymous

      If at all possible, don’t move in the day you close. This is much easier to accomplish usually when you are buying your first place as leases are more flexible (usually) than closing on another sale. Paint everything you can before you move in. So much easier without furniture and so many things become “ok” to live with once you’re in and you will find yourself with the same beige paint 5 years down the road.

      And everything is more expensive than you think. I don’t know who it is doing repairs on HG TV, but the prices they quote for things are insanely low. Like lower than materials costs low most of the time IME.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to painting before you move. I’m a renter but I could kick myself for not painting before I moved into my current place…5 years later and I still hate the beige.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I planned to paint and add some celling lights. I’ve now been in my house almost 4 years, and neither has been done.

    • Leah

      Consider the property in all seasons (if you live somewhere that has them). We bought in winter, and the gorgeous snow-covered sloping yards became death traps to mow in the summer.

      Figure out what the current owner is hiding. Ours managed to conceal their pets by keeping them somewhere else for showings and taking away all their food/toys/beds. It was a huge surprise to find smelly pet stains in the basement after we moved in.

      Figure out a renovation timetable. Find out the age of the current roof, HVAC system, water heater, and appliances. Research their usual lifespan and ask if they’re still under warranty with the proper paperwork in place. This will let you plan your savings and give you an idea of whether you can afford it. (If the asking price is a stretch for you PLUS the roof will need replacing within a couple of years, it probably isn’t going to work.)

    • new house

      We just bought an older but very well maintained house. Nonetheless, we have had a few things go wrong immediately and off the bat. Advice is to get the home warranty insurance and save money for things that pop up. Probably 5-10k.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to home warranty, but keep in mind that the max amount they’ll pay for replacement of a broken appliance is probably quite a bit less than the actual replacement costs, and they may not be able to/willing to send someone quickly in an emergency (like, boiler issues when it’s 14 degrees in January – we were supposed to wait 5 business days…).

  10. reno?

    Would you consider replacing counter tops and painting cabinets to be a “reno” or a major project? DH and I are trying to decide whether to put an offer on a condo. We love the floorplan and location, and everything’s been updated. The only detractor really is that we really don’t like the kitchen colors. The granite looks like dark soil and the cabinets are a wood with a yellowy tint that kind of looks orange all together. The rest of the space is white and bright and with the open floor plan, you always see this dark, orange corner of the condo in your line of sight. We don’t want a major project, but I’m not sure how quick of a fix this is if it’s only cosmetic. I don’t trust the real estate agent’s assessment that this is a “quick and inexpensive fix.”

    TIA!

    • Shananana

      it depends on how much of a perfectionist you are on the cabinets. If you are okay with it looking like painted cabinets, that’s a weekend project. If you want them perfect, it probably means sending them out to be sprayed, and that’s a bigger project.

      Granite is a couple grand unless you have a huge space or want super high end granite and I feel like not a terrible upgrade (I just did this in mine, but also replaced all the cabinets).

    • Anonymous

      Painting cabinets is nothing. You can do it yourself or hire someone to do it in one day for a few hundred bucks. You might hate the kitchen a lot less when you do that, and decide you don’t even need to change the countertops. The countertops are more complicated but I still wouldn’t call it a “major project.” I think the biggest problem might be finding someone to do it because it’s kind of an awkward “medium job” that’s too big for handymen and too small for contractors.

      • L

        I agree with this – once we painted our dark cabinets white, we liked the black countertop. It did not really darken the space any more.

    • Anonymous

      We painted our cabinets over a holiday weekend, it was a fair amount of work but not really a difficult task. If you want to hire someone, you could call around for quotes.

      You’re probably not going to install the countertops yourselves, so same thing. Depending on the size of your kitchen, a few thousand.

    • Cat

      Small renovation. We replaced the cabinets and countertops in our first condo as well, plus purchased a new (nice) faucet, dishwasher, and microwave. We did everything thru Home Depot; including some other expenses like paint, blinds, etc. it was around $10,000 including labor.

    • anonanon

      Small. We just did exactly this, with the similar sounding kitchen. We had the cabinet doors removed and painted with a special cabinet enamel paint at a cabinet place so it would last longer. It was a bit of an investment in the end ($4K) but we like the house much more and it mattered to us.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have Granite Transformations where you are? They create an overlay for your existing countertops. (Engineered countertops like quartz I think) So like the other poster said, it’s a smaller job, but that’s what they do.

    • Anonymous

      Painting cabinets is not nothing, especially in a space like a kitchen where you likely have both upper and lower cabinets, and the cabinets will likely be subject to messes/cleaning (so you need a good, durable paint job). There are MANY steps in painting cabinets if you do it the correct way: removing doors, hinges, handles, serious cleaning, deglossing/sanding, priming, and then several layers of paint. You also have to give the paint enough time to dry in between coats. Cabinet paint usually requires lots of thin coats with generous drying time. Then you have to reassemble everything. After tackling such a project in my small, second bath (it turned out great!), there is no way I would attempt this in my kitchen. I would definitely hire someone.

      • Minnie Beebe

        Piggybacking on this– has anyone had success with patching up the holes for the original hardware, then painting the doors and installing new, differently-sized hardware?

        I’m buying a house and am considering doing this sort of small remodel in the kitchen (probably not immediately, but within the first year) and I’m wondering if I’ll be stuck with same-size hardware or not.

    • Anonymous

      An alternative to paint: I found out recently from our neighbors you can get cabinet veneers. If the cabinets themselves are fine and you just want a cosmetic change, this can be an easy way to get a dramatic update.

    • Home Improvement stores

      Lowe’s & Home Depot install solid surfaces including granite. I’m a Silestone fan but the process is easy. You go pick it out, understand the price per sq foot in advance. They send out someone to measure (I always get a new sink and have it on hand for the measuring) and later an installation team shows up to install.

  11. Shananana

    So, its Wednesday, and so far this week I have had an interview for a lateral move that had the interviewer include both the phrase more maturity and just like more life experience, and a Dr’s appt in which I was asked if I wanted to talk about freezing my eggs. So, this is late 30’s professional life huh? Both too young looking, and omg you’re getting too old by the day in the same week. sigh.

    • Anonymous

      Welcome to middle age!

      Signed, I have gray hair, wrinkles, and acne all at the same time

      • Anonymous

        Yes I’m 32 and that parody song of Taylor Swift’s 22 from a few years is ago is my exact life. “Wrinkles and acne at the same time…”

        • Pompom

          It was my 32nd birthday last week, and 2x in that week, people aged me UP a few years for the first time in my life. It was GREAT.

      • Shananana

        I definitely had a moment of, maybe I should have waited another week to redye my roots. But I’ve had noticeable grays to maintain since I was 21, so to my mind its not related to age. And yes, still acne, although lucky me is is morphing into rosacea as I get older. With the giant crater line joining my forehead.

    • Calico

      I’m forty and at my checkup this week the nurse asked me “Are you still getting periods?” instead of “When was your last period?” That was a first.

      • Anonymous

        FWIW I’ve been asked the question that way when I’ve lost weight – implication being periods stop when you get too thin.

      • Anonymous

        Ooooh not cool. I would have given that nurse a big old stinkeye! Also isn’t 40 extremely early for menopause? I thought at 40 it was still considered “premature” so it seems pretty weird to ask the question that way.

    • anon

      ha ha ha! I recently went to Target and simultaneously bought acne cream and eye cream.

  12. Meg March

    Favorite banana bread recipe? I’ve four bananas turning brown on my counter.

    • Anonymous

      Gwyenth Paltrow’s banana date muffins. I use regular all purpose flour, not gluten free. And I use almond milk because I don’t drink regular milk anymore, but I would assume that regular milk is just as fine.

    • anonanon

      Ruth Reichl – Look up “The banana cake I ended up making” – I omit the apricots and rum but you do you! This is our family favorite.

    • Anonymous

      Smitten Kitchen double chocolate banana bread, it’s like chocolate cake that just happens to be healthier for you than regular cake. Or the recipe that’s like the second hit when you google “banana bread,” I forget if it’s Allrecipes or Simply Recipes, that talks about how the recipe came from a neighbor. I like to add chocolate chips and nuts to mine. And if it’s just for one person, and you won’t eat the whole loaf in two or three days, I like to bake them in muffin tins, because the individual muffins freeze more easily and are less messy if you’re eating on the morning commute.

    • Anonymous

      The Pioneer Woman pumpkin banana bread. Made this because I happened to have a can of pumpkin the pantry. It’s super moist. I used less sugar than it calls for and substituted chopped walnuts for pecans.

    • MJ

      Allrecipes Banana Bread 2 (or Banana Muffins 2). They are easily freezeable. I add 1/2 to 1 tsp of vanilla and also about 1/3 of a cup of oats to pretend they’re healthy. They’re not. I also add walnuts or choc chips.

    • Betsy

      I really like King Arthur Flour’s banana bread that is their current recipe of the year. I also think Alton Brown’s banana bread recipe is fantastic.

    • NOLA

      Banana bars

      Mix together in a large bowl:
      2/3 C. shortening
      1 1/2 C. sugar
      2 egg yolks
      1 Cup mashed bananas (2 bananas)

      And in a smaller bowl:
      1 1/3 C. flour
      1 tsp. baking soda
      1/4 tsp. salt

      Add the dry ingredients little by little, alternating with 4 Tbsp. sour cream or sour milk.

      Add 1/2 tsp. vanilla and 1/2 C. chopped nuts (walnuts or pecans). Fold in 2 beaten egg whites.

      Bake in greased 9 x 13 pan at 350 for 30-40 min. (the top will be uniformly brown).

      Cool and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

  13. Hollis

    For anyone here who has taken viviscal for hair loss, did you start with the extra strength version or did you go to the maximum strength or professional right away? Any side effects? I have lost a lot of hair over the past year (in my early 40s) so I am exploring my options.

    • L

      I think it’s cute! But I don’t like it with the taupe pants. I’d go with white pants/white jeans.

    • OP

      Oh also, I’m in my 20s so I don’t want to look matronly, which is what my sister thinks it is.

      I’d probably wear it with skinny jeans or something similar. or a pencil skirt maybe? all dark colors though.

      • anon

        I love it! I think it would be really cute with skinny white jeans and maybe even shorts.

      • Anonymous

        I think it will really come down to the styling. Definitely doesn’t seem inherently matronly.

        • Anonymous

          +1

          But I think if you wear it with the right things it won’t look “matronly” per se.

        • Anon

          I’m 53 and I still don’t shop at Chico’s but I actually did for a while in my 40s, because they were the only place I could find Tall length work pants in my larger size (was 16 at the time) – but that place always gives me the heebie jeebies

          I don’t really love any mall stores, but at least Eileen Fisher and J Jill have natural fibers and aren’t cheetah-print sparkly everything.

    • Anon

      Super cute. I bought a top very similar to this, sheer silk with an arty design, a couple of years ago. I’m generally an all-solids wearer, so I thought I was probably being stupid, but I was surprised at how much wear I got out of it. Like, I pretty much had to stop myself from wearing it every week.

      If you love it, get it.

      Styling suggestion – wear over a “column of color” – all black or all navy tank+skirt, cami+pants, and accessorize with no necklace – I’d wear big earrings and a cuff bracelet with this one.

  15. LAwyer

    Paging LA’rettes,
    Where do you buy professional clothing? Ive heard about stores like Nordstrom carrying different selections based on the demographic of the area. Is there a Nordstrom, Tjmaxx, what-have-you that is your go to? I’m asking about general neighborhoods and/or specific stores.

    • LAnon

      New York.

      I feel like every store wants to sell me an outfit to wear at Coachella, not to work.

      So, when I shop in town, I stick to relatively boring staples like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, etc. The Nordstrom at Century City mall is great. I do tend to buy more clothes when I’m out of town – New York and Chicago just seem to have way more options for women who want to look grown up and polished, but not stuffy. I just factor that into my clothing shopping planning.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Online! Though I did buy two suits in person at Macys earlier this year.

    • BigLaw Sr Assoc

      Online. Lots of Theory and Boss. And yeah, Century City mall has a good selection of stores in general and is a fun place to hang out anyways. I have a hard time finding my size in stores there though.

    • Rainbow Hair

      It’s weird, everyone keeps telling me that the Century City mall is great. (I am waaaay far away from there, but when I have to go there I b*tch about it, and people always say, “hey, you can go to that great mall!”)

      • OC Lawyer

        IMHO, South Coast Plaza is so much better than any mall in LA.

        Finding professional suiting, especially courtroom attire for women is really challenging in SoCal. But at least South Coast Plaza has Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s, Saks and Hugh Boss (where I buy of my go to court suits).

        My DIL needed a navy interview suit and we looked everywhere in LA and found nothing. I located just what she needed at J Crew in South Coast Plaza. The same stores in LA had nothing but edgy casual wear. No suits for women at all.

        • Rainbow Hair

          Conveniently! The other place I’ve been b*tching about having to drive to is Santa Ana!

    • Anonymous

      I live in SF but travel to DC for work a few times a year, and almost always buy a ton of clothes when I’m in DC. DC and NY both cater to professional women in suits in ways that California stores do not.

  16. Naming a consulting firm

    I’ve started working as an independent consultant, doing strategy work in financial services. I will be incorporating and need a name. I would like my name to be the focus, but not sure how, and also need help filling out the full name. What are your thoughts? I have a common first name, very uncommon last.

    Thoughts on how to use my name?
    Jane A. Doe
    Jane Doe
    JAD
    J. Doe
    J. A. Doe

    Thoughts on endings to firm name?
    …. Strategies
    …. Group
    …..Consulting
    …. Inc.
    something else?

    Thanks in advance for any feedback!

    • Anonymous

      I would probably just use your last name, especially if it’s distinctive.

    • MJ

      Also note that depending on the jurisdiction, you will need to add “Inc.” or “Corp.” or “Professional Corp” or “PC” to the legal name, but you can brand without it. You can search for available names in the jurisdiction in which you intend to incorporate. Just google “legal entity search [jurisdiction].

    • Velma

      My consulting business (going strong for 14 years) is [Lastname] [Industry] Services. Very typical in my field, yet it has been distinctive enough due to my unusual last name.

    • Chris

      I’ve always responded negatively to companies that are called Name Group, or Name & Associates, when I know it’s just one principal person with a few staff members. It rubs me the wrong way that a company is trying to brand itself as being something it is not.

  17. Anon for this

    Does the Kate Spade suicide make you feel weird about carrying around a Kate Spade bag? I am saddened by her tragic and early death but I also don’t want to think about that whenever I see the label on the outside of my handbag – I’m already prone to negative thoughts and downward spirals. Am I the only one who feels this way?

    • Anonymous

      No. She hasn’t been affiliated with the brand in over a decade. And even if she had been, I’ve never met her and don’t consider a personal loss (although of course I feel sympathy for her family, especially her daughter).

    • Anonymous

      No, I feel that way too. I have tons of Kate Spade stuff (office stuff, home stuff, jewelry, bags, scarves..I love the brand). I’m not going to stop using them but it does feel weird and very grim now. Like I was brushing my teeth this morning and put my toothbrush in my Kate Spade tootbrush holder (sounds ridiculous, but it’s cute) and couldn’t help but think about it.

    • Linda from HR

      I haven’t felt that way . . . I only have a pair of Kate Spade Keds, but this just makes me want to wear them all the time to honor and remember her, and now I feel kind bad.

      • Housecounsel

        Not at all. I love my Kate Spade bags and wallets and shoes, and won’t stop.

    • Anonymous

      Do you think about the people who get injured, lose a limb, or die in poultry processing plants when you eat chicken? I mean, you could extrapolate this is so many ways.

      But before I get rolling on my soapbox, don’t you think KS would want you to enjoy one of her creations? IMO it seems like an opportunity to celebrate her life or use it as an opportunity to advocate for better mental health awareness and treatment options. Of all the things to worry about . . .

    • Anon

      Not at all, I am wearing my favorite Kate Spade scarf in her honor today. Of course I know she sold her company in 2007 and didn’t personally design my scarf, but it’s my version of a tribute.

      If you’re spriraling, please call your mental health provider ASAP.

    • K

      My Kate Spade bag is my favorite bag and currently what I use daily. I am sad about her death and feel so sad for her family, but I am definitely going to keep using my bag. I hope you are OK, OP.

  18. Anon

    Now that you mentioned it, it does feel a bit weird. My wedding china and another set of dishes i own are Kate Spade. Currently these things make me think of our wonderful wedding weekend and i hope this doesn’t change

    • Anonymous

      This and comments above made me realize how much of my stuff is by her. Wedding china, bath mat, shower curtain, several necklaces and bracelets, scarf, umbrella, glasses, sunglasses, not to mention the purses…

      • Anonymous

        I mean, her name is on those things but that doesn’t mean she even had anything to do with designing them.

  19. Alternative gift for toddler?

    My nephew is a toddler and as the first (and so far only) grandchild in a large family, he has more toys than he can possibly play with or care about. I’m looking for an alternative gift for his upcoming birthday. I’m thinking in terms of cash, savings bond, etc. or something along those general lines. I don’t think he has a 529 plan set up, so contributing to that probably isn’t an option (I don’t think?). Any ideas? Or is this a dumb idea and I should just buy him a toy and be done with it?

    • anon

      You can create a 529 plan for him. You are the plan owner, he is the beneficiary.

      • Minnie Beebe

        If you decide establish a 529, and you live in a different state from your nephew, be sure to establish it in your state of residence so you are able to take advantage of your state tax deduction.

    • lawsuited

      My grandfather purchased some stocks/shares in my name when I was a kid and I got SUCH a kick out of getting dividend cheques from time to time. I was not born and raised in North America, so I don’t know if it’s possible to do that for a minor in your jurisdiction.

      Alternatively, let the parent that you’re related to know that you’d like to make a contribution to toddler’s education fund and see what he/she says.

    • anon

      Definitely ask the parents about an education fund. Another thing to consider is tickets for the family to do something – zoo, aquarium, children’s museum, etc. Or a gift card to a restaurant that has a playground (not mcdonalds. My city has several restaurants with playgrounds that aren’t fast food and are enjoyable for parents as well).

      • Anonymous

        The problem with giving tickets is that you’re also giving the parents a job to do, so whether the tickets get used or not is really up to them.

        • Xarcady

          I don’t know if it would work for a toddler, but for a slightly older child, the gift could be a trip with the aunt/uncle to the zoo or a movie, etc. Great bonding time for both.

    • Coach Laura

      I’d set up a 529 if you want to do it regularly – you’ll need his Social Security number to open it. Savings bonds are easier (still need the SS# I think though).

      I’d buy a classic book (Ferdinand, Madeline if niece instead of nephew, Poky Little Puppy, children’s bible or Torah/Jewish Bible, Peter Pan) and wrap the book up with the Bond or 529 receipt.

    • BC

      I write a check for my nephew’s birthday. I make it out to “Nephew’s name or Nephew’s mom’s name.” If you want, you can put “Nephew’s College Fund” in the memo line, or just leave it up to the parents.

    • BigLaw Sr Assoc

      Not dumb. I generally give cash gifts for my niece/nephew’s birthdays etc, with a nice card. They are very young, and I know their parents are strapped for cash. DOn’t really care if it is gauche – it is useful to them and i want my gift to be useful.

      • Anonymous

        as a kid I LOVED getting $5 in a card. it was just thoughtful and I could buy cookies or icecream or nail polish or whatever without asking my parents. my dad’s old landlord for a few months was an elderly man who ran a boarding house type close to campus and we’d check in on him from time to time (he’d also host movie nights and such) and even though he didn’t really have income, he’d give us birthday cards from time to time and it was just so nice to be acknowledged as our own person by someone not in the family.

    • Anonymous

      IDK if I could do a 529 for someone else’s kid. It would feel like I was taking away from my own kid.

      • Anonymous

        That’s silly. Putting $50 in a 529 doesn’t take away from her own kid (if she has one) any more than giving someone a $50 physical gift does. Unless you’re never going to give anyone (including yourself) fun gifts this doesn’t really make sense.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I now how a few nephews/nieces/ children of close friends in my life, and I’ve decided I’m the aunt who gives cash. Boring, but easy and always appreciated! The kids might not appreciate it now, but they will down the line.

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