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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This cap-sleeve top from Halogen would be a great workwear basic to have on hand this season. I like a cap sleeve for layering under blazers and cardigans, and this one comes in a range of great colors. I’m leaning towards this bright pink (Hi Barbie!), but if you’d like something a little more subdued, it comes in slate-blue and black solids, as well as some neutral prints.
The top is $26.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes 1X–3X.
A similar option in straight sizes is from By Design; it's $22.97 at Nordstrom Rack and available in XS–XL in four colors.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Ellen
Yay! Fruegal Friday’s! I love Fruegal Friday’s and this color of tee shirt, which I can get at Nordstrom’s rack and wear over the weekend when I walk on Park Avenue! I recommend same to the Hivettes who live in Manhattan on the East Side. The traffic is very light on Sunday morning, so I walk all the way to Grand Central and Back, by way of the Park, then go to Whole Foods for coffee and a danish! I hope the weather will be OK this weekend for walking, but I am not sure. I will go out early b/f it gets to hot outside, with all of this silly Global Warming. I wanted to go to the US Open to see Caroline Wozniacki, but she was eliminated early. The manageing partner says she looks like a younger version of me, which I wanted to check out in person, but I can always see her on the Internet, which I will get around to. I could tell her what the manageing partner said, and mabye she will look at me and think that she will look like me when she is 42!
Curious mom
Anyone have any experience with Steiner-Waldorf schools? We are considering one for our daughter who will be starting kindergarten next year. (School registration begins in January)
Anonymous
Why? It’s a racist educational philosophy for people who are antivaxers.
Anonymous
yeah, have to agree there’s a lot of problems – the founder’s nazi past, the fact that he died 9 months after the first school was founded yet is still revered… i’ve also heard stories about how they’re teaching polytheism as well as the spiritual movement behind the whole thing (anthroposophy). might want to look into the background, teachers, and leaders of your specific school. and +1 to watching out for the antivaxxers there.
Anonymous
It’s a cult. https://www.bbc.com/news/education-28646118.amp
Anon
Welp there’s my rabbit hole for Friday
Deedee
this actually makes me understand 2 friends from college a lot more now. thanks. they went to Waldorf schools and now are still involved with them. College was spent mostly being obsessed with Waldorf schools or Rudolf Steiner. thanks for sharing
Anon
Definitely ask about vaccination rates, and try to get hard data about what % of students are vaccinated, not a hand-wave-y “we believe in vaccines.” I think the Steiner-Waldorf educational philosophy sounds great, but at least in the US the schools are closely associated with the anti-vaccine movement, and I would worry about my kid being exposed to a lot of vaccine preventable diseases like measles and chicken pox.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/13/nyregion/measles-outbreak-new-york.html
Anon.
This.
Anon
One of my friends went to one when we were kids. They don’t teach reading until second or third grade. For a kid like me who was reading long books before starting kindergarten and spent hours a day reading for fun as a child (and still do!) that would have been absolutely the wrong fit, but I could see how it works well for some kids. They’re a little woo-woo for my tastes, but YMMV.
Anon
What do they do all day if not read? I think I’d be OK with the Finnish approach (basic but classic school, no woo, lots of outdoor time, no crushing homework volume in middle school).
Anon
I remember visiting once, and there was lots of time outside, art, music, free play, etc. I can see why it appeals to some kids. But I think I would have gotten bored with it. I liked reading and math!
Anon
This sounds like adult activities in a retirement home. Which I am not opposed to but I would need to read also. And I’m cool with math also.
Anon
I assume they do get to those things at some point, just not until later than traditional schools. My friend went there K-3 and then switched to my more traditional school so my memories are mostly of early elementary. She learned enough to keep up just fine in the gifted program at my “normal” school so she obviously learned math and reading eventually.
Anon
It’s actually better for really smart kids to be in a non-academic. If they taught reading, you would have been way ahead of the class, but presumably for stuff like art and outdoor play you were on more level footing with everyone else.
Anon
*to be in a non-academic setting for as long as possible.
Anon
Yeah, I tested into a gifted program where everyone read like me, so I never actually went to a school that taught reading. I can see your point, though. I would have been bored out of my skull if we’d spent years learning to read when I wanted to be doing other things. It’s why I think school decisions really do depend on the kid. It’s so important that kids learn to read well and different kids need different approaches.
anonshmanon
You need to get information about the specific school that you are considering. Beyond the teaching philosophy, there is not much of a framework that these schools have in common. Each one might be unique, based on who is running it and how they apply the philosophy. I know various people who had great or bad experiences at different schools.
Anonymous
I went to a Waldorf preschool in the DC suburbs 1970s, largely because it was close to our house. I loved all the gnomes and beeswax and high quality art supplies, but my mother said she wasn’t sure they would have sent my younger brother there, as by the time he was old enough they had jettisoned the regular blocks in favor of pieces of stump. I don’t think it was very hard line; we had plenty of plastic toys at home and went on to do well in public school.
Anon
I looked into it for daycare/preschool for my kids. The local Waldorf school here reportedly has a great and loving environment. It goes through high school and the graduates supposedly do well. But, I would probably not send an elementary grade child unless you agree with their curriculum and are interested in it for the long term. I think it would be hard to transition to a regular school. But for the right child, it may be great. I also think it may be a decent option if you have a late summer kid and plan to double up on kindergarten.
Anonymous
I’m in Europe, so the antivaxx is irrelevant, but where I’m at, Steiner are elite schools for creative backgrounds, with involved and interested parents. The schools are typically situated in communities with high proportions of creative intellectual middle class families.
Anon
There are anti-vaxxers in Europe…especially post-Covid.
Anon
The most anti vax people I know are French
Anonymous
That’s interesting, I’m not in France, but in my Scandi country anti vax is very uncommon and assumed to be a medical issue, as in cannot vax for medial reasons. There has been public debate defending the few who cannot be vaccinated and asking for them not to be ostracized. I guess you could say that the public opinion has been that anybody who cannot vax deserves pity, not anger.
Anon
My friends in Norway said they have anti vaxxers just like all the other countries.
Anon
I think Scandinavia is culturally pretty different from a lot of other European countries.
Anon
Plenty of Germans too
Seventh Sister
A friend had her kids in one and it was great until there was a big conflict in the community over vaccinations. The die-hard antivax people won out, and she decided to send her kids somewhere else. I was curious, but they are very serious about no screens (at least in my area), so that’s a no from me.
Anonymous
I am opposed to any school that tries to tell me how to parent in my own home.
Anon
There was a major whooping cough outbreak in my city that was traced back to, you guessed it, the local Waldorf School.
Whooping cough, the disease that was nearly eradicated. It’s so stupid it makes me furious.
Plan my vacay!
Suggestions for a 3-generation trip to Europe in early April (4-6 days)? Everyone is well-traveled, but we need a break. Flying out of EWR. Very active parents, me, a 12YO.
Anon
Seville and the Algarve coast are great that time of year, and make a nice combination of history/culture and beach.
Anonymous
Cinque Terre should actually be less insanely busy than usual around then.
Anon
That area doesn’t really open until mid-late April. A lot of restaurants will be closed and I’m pretty sure the ferries won’t be running. It will also be chilly and rainy. May and September are the best times of year to go there.
Anonymous
With that little time, I would go somewhere you can fly direct in 8 hours or less. Paris would be my top pick, followed by Rome, Amsterdam, or Barcelona. Rome is a bit far but doable and there is a ton to do even if it’s chilly. If you can time your visit with the tulips blooming in Amsterdam then I would hands down do that, but I think you might miss it if you’re traveling in early April. Barcelona should have better weather and has lots to do for all ages.
Other options I would probably pass on: Greece might have better weather but that’s closer to a 9-11 hour flight (going/coming back). Iceland is only a 5 hour flight but will still be in winter, London will be cold and gray and isn’t nearly as pretty as Paris in the rain, Lisbon will have nice weather but a trip to Portugal is a waste if you only see Lisbon, Madrid could be nice but if you’ve never been to Barcelona I’d go there first.
Anon
There are actually a lot of nonstop options to Europe from EWR. United has nonstop flights to Nice, Mallorca and Malaga although some or all of those may not be running in early April.
Anonymous
I flat out disagree that a trip to
Portugal where you only go to Lisbon is a waste. Lisbon is a great 4-5 day trip, which gives you a day for a trip to Sintra. I don’t think it is a great April trip because it can be a very rainy month.
NYCer
For 4-6 days, I would pick one of the major cities. Paris or Barcelona would probably be my first pick. Amsterdam and Rome also would be nice options.
Anonymous
I am going to Utrecht in October, flying from Newark) and think it looks interesting!
Anon
I LOVED Utrecht. It is so charming. Have a wonderful time!
Anonymous
Thank you!
Highlander
I would do a bike and barge trip from Amsterdam. Flat and easy!
Anon
I was yesterday years old when I learned that the head of state of Papua New Guinea is . . . King Charles III. Is there a good book or thing to read that explains Great Britain and how it fits into this whole commonwealth thing? Like does the king just get to go places with no visa (I think yes) but does he get to do other things? Do people have to curtsy (as I’m have to be it is a custom to do so)? I think I understand constitutional monarchy vs absolute monarchy but not what a king does outside of the UK (and in 2023, it is pretty much ceremonial within the UK).
Cb
I haven’t read it but The Empire’s New Clothes is supposed to be good. Empireland is very good from the perspective of the UK’s role with the rest of the world/changing position.
Anonymous
The King does not have a passport. No one ever has to curtsey or bow to him. He serves largely as a figurehead of state in those commonwealth countries where he is monarch, appointing a governor general with advice.
Anon
So I know that he doesn’t fly commercial but does he just get waived through and not have to fill out the I-9 when he has been in the US?
Anon
Although interestingly Charles does have a passport because he was required to have one before he was monarch.
Anon
That makes sense. Prince Harry is presumably a UK passport holder. What sort of visa situation is he in? I know he has to pay income taxes in the US (and maybe UK also and there is a treaty sorting it all out to avoid double taxation).
Anonymous
I totally can’t understand what kind of visa he qualifies for especially with a documented history of drug use. I know there’s a special category for like actors and work visas but he wouldn’t fit that I guess?
Anon
It’s an interesting situation because the reason the monarch doesn’t have a passport is that passports are issued on behalf of the monarch, so his would be issued by Queen Elizabeth. Old passports are still valid, obviously, but they have started printing passports issued by King Charles. I don’t expect he would be asked for a passport while traveling as the monarch. Every other member of the royal family does have a passport – the working members of the family, who represent the UK, have diplomatic passports.
Cerulean
I always wondered how the no passport thing works. Do other countries just accept that the King doesn’t have one? They could certainly enforce a passport requirement if they wanted to, he’s not the king of everywhere.
Anonymous
Most countries have exemptions or different provisions/rules for diplomatic situations/persons/heads of state
Anon
He’s the head of state in Canada!
Anne
There’s one episode of the crown that focuses on this topic.
Anon
Which one or at least which season? I may have to watch.
Anne
This one – https://the-crown.fandom.com/wiki/48:1/Episode_Summary#:~:text=The%20episode%20begins%20in%20Cape,a%20result%20of%20the%20war.
Anon
Head of state of Canada, too!
Anonymous
The Commonwealth is an association of countries which may or may not have the UK Monarch as their own head of state. Most but not all are former British colonies.
Absolute monarchy may exist in a few countries in the world but none subject to UK monarchy as far as I know. UK has been a constitutional monarchy for hundreds of years.
In Canada (like other countries who have the monarch as their head of state), there is a Governor General who is the resident head of state and performs all duties. if they are ill or unavailable the chief Justice of the Supreme Court does the legal bits. Currently this is an Indigenous woman and 4 out of the last 5 Governors General have been women including two other visible minorities.
If a country no longer wishes to have the British monarch as their head of state and switch to a different system – then their legislature just makes the change. It happened last year in Barbados – Royal family went over for formal ceremony. This is more or less complex depending on the country. Canada will likely keep the same system for a very long time as our constitutional amendment system is very complex and the provinces never agree on anything. Note that the system on how to amend the constitution was chosen by Canada in 1982 so this problem was not imposed by the UK.
Curtsies etc are cultural practice and a show of respect and not any kind of legal requirement.
Anon
IIRC, “England” (or whatever it is, right now I’m not sure historically if that is accurate here) has been a constitutional monarchy since at least King John signed the Magna Carta (or since they got rid of Cromwell, who was sort of an absolute ruler, at least according to my high schooler).
Kim (I initially typed King by mistake) Jong Il seems to be a classic absolute monarch even though technically he isn’t a monarch but a “ruler.”
Cb
United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
Anon
And I think that QEII had a title that was longer than Danaerys, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburned, etc., etc.
And speaking of England (and I guess Scotland and Wales and NI), I know that at one point there were personal unions (same James was king of both by succession) and then actual mergers and IIRC the same “personal union” thing happened with Spain (and maybe also Portugal) and the Netherlands, which is really weird to someone in the US (like Ohio and Nevada having the same governor and these places not only don’t touch but are really not alike).
Anonymous
King Carlos I of Spain & V of Germany inherit the Spanish empire from his mother side and the Sacro-Germanic empire from his father side. When he died he divided his empire between his son (Spanish e) and his brother (Germanic e.) Only parts of what today is France were in the middle. His son, Felipe II, inherit from his mother the Portuguese empire that belongued to Spain only 88 years.
I do not see the weird part, you have different governors in USA for each state but only one president. It was the same: virreys and governos in each territory ruling in the kings name. As in any other empire during history.
Deedee
wait’ll you find out about the United Arab Republic, when Egypt and Syria teamed up. the 1950s were a strange time
Girlonawireless
For an interesting example of a Governor General getting involved a Commonwealth country’s electoral politics, google/read about the Australian constitutional crisis of 1975.
Anonymous
Shows how rare it is though that the main example is almost 50 years ago.
Anon
Best fake diamond stud earrings? Not lab-grown, but fake. Preferably princess cut and on the larger side.
Anne-on
I like these and wear them for work travel – very sparkly and I’ve gotten lots of compliments.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/cubic-zirconia-earrings-4ct/2989891?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=710
CZ
+1 to Nordstrom. I think I have the Nordstrom 1.0 carat version. They look so much like real diamonds to me that I am not sure if I would spend the money on real diamond studs at this point (I bought them years ago after losing a pair of earrings at the gym and wanting something I would not be devastated to lose). My mom (who is more of a diamond snob :) even thought they were great fakes. I am not sure if Nordstrom sells princess cut studs but they may sell other good CZ brands.
Veronica Mars
Depends on what you want. Highest quality to lowest cost ratio is buying excellent cut CZ from a place like Diamonds co uk and having it set at a jeweler. I’ve done that and the stones were like $20 with shipping and then the settings $250 for yellow gold Stuller settings. But pricing may vary with the gold prices nowadays.
anon
I like Nadri for this sort of thing. So fun and sparkly, and reasonable manufacturing quality (don’t lose stone, etc.)
Anon
This is now confusing. If you live in Canada or Jamaica, you get your own passport. There is a country. You are a citizen. You have elections and a government. And a king who lives somewhere else? Like who commands the military? I get that Canada has one but who has the final say?
And Gibraltar??? “Really part of the UK (like how the UP is part of Michigan but touches no part of Michigan) or something else?
I think that Tahiti is still officially part of France in a way that it is French and not just an overseas territory (so it is more like Hawaii vs the USVI in how it works).
Anon
French Polynesia (Tahiti is just the name of an island, like Oahu or St. Thomas) IS an overseas territory of France. It’s much more like the USVIs than Hawaii.
Anon
So the sun never sets on the French now?
Emma
French person living in Canada here. Certain places, like Guadeloupe, are part of France and integrated to the regular French government – they have their own representatives, etc. Kind of like Hawaii, yes. Tahiti is actually what’s known as an overseas territory, which means they are French (i.e. people get French passports) but also have a local government that has the power to administer certain things locally without interference from Paris.
If you live in Canada you absolutely get a Canadian passport. Canada has a Governor General who represents the British Crown. His power is more of a soft power, and it hasn’t really been tested in a major way in recent years – technically if Canada and the UK were to be in some sort of major war, their interests should be aligned. He doesn’t have the power to interfere in Canada’s everyday affairs though.
Anon
Who signs treaties for these places? Maybe France is easy but a commonwealth country? Treaties and war are the most governmental things ever (and trash pickup but I doubt the king handles that or sewers or septic systems or zoning).
Anon
You’re really overthinking this. Canada’s federal, provincial, and municipal governments are still in charge of things like healthcare, education, trash pickup, etc.
Anon
Now I’m thinking about all this. Does the UK send an ambassador to Canada or is that redundant (like we don’t have an embassy in Puerto RIco or Guam but do in the Philippines and we gave the Canal Zone back to Panama). Did the US used to have an embassy in Texas? That would sort of be funny to click around at lunch and find out.
Anonymous
There’s a UK Ambassador in Canada and a Canadian Ambassador in UK. It’s not redundant.
The title for Charles in Canada is King of Canada, not King of UK.
Anon
I woke up today thinking it was normal and now Canada has a King. SMH. I need to read some history books or something.
Anonymous
Canadians are totally taught way more info about the US than vice versa. I had to memorize all 50 states and their capitals in junior high.
Anonymous
The Queen is literally on all coins. It’s not like we were hiding the monarchy under an igloo.
Anonymous
The Prime Minister of Canada signs treaties.
Emma
France signs treaties, not Tahiti or Guadeloupe (though they are hopefully consulted on anything that directly concerns them). Canada signs its own treaties – technically for anything that might impact the UK’s strategic interest there is like a gentleman’s agreement to consult, but Canada is its own country. They absolutely handle their own internal affairs.
Anonymous
Why are you being so weird about this. Like trust Canada functions.
Anon
Eh, it functions in hockey and cool things like Gander on 9/11. Today we learn that it has a King who does not even live there. They do not play “God Save the King” at hockey games though. It’s all Oh, Canada. Which is awesome — I love that our two countries share a sports league (and baseball, but MLB is not a thing in my state yet).
Anon
Also NBA.
Eertmeert
Anon @ 12:55 – ethnocentrist much?
coming to grips with your own ignorance and lack of curiosity about other countries is not a group sport.
Cb
Scholar of nationalism and secession, AMA! It is CONFUSING and very much an imperial hangover. I suspect you’ll see more countries leaving the Commonwealth, especially given the UK’s diminished role in the world, post-Brexit, after the Queen, etc.
And then you have internal problems as well – people viewing Irish unification as increasingly likely, a 50/50 split on Scottish independence, and burgeoning Welsh independence movements.
The French DOM-TOMs are really interesting as well, in particular some of the educational systems in the overseas dominions. There was a really good travelogue written about this.
Anon
What does it even mean to leave the commonwealth? No non-visa travel and residence or ability to work in the UK?
There is no revolution, just a vote and some paperwork, yes?
India is a fully-independent country, I think. Ditto Pakistan and Bangladesh.
Hong Kong — should have kept that as I don’t think China is keeping its end of the bargain.
Anon
Members of the Commonwealth (outside the UK) don’t have the ability to live and work in the UK without a visa.
Cb
Nope, but there was this weird Brexit discourse about how “we’ll bring in Commonwealth immigration, rather than EU immigration” which was weird given how racist the leave campaign was.
But you see some impact of historical British ties, ie. granting visas to people from Hong Kong, etc.
Anonymous
There are tons of working holiday and student interchange programs in the Commonwealth. Hence all the Australians working in Whistler 😂
Anon
I feel like with French / formerly French places, those people have gone to actual France (like “France on the map”) enough that it must have been allowed or easy to get at some point, possibly still the case.
I had thought I new a lot of people in London who were from the Caribbean or Africa (Episcopal person here, so went to Anglican church there and I see the same with immigrants here in my city).
Cb
Windrush, people brought over post-WW2 to fill labour shortages. Now quite precarious due to a truly incompetent government.
Anonymous
Have any countries switched away from UK monarch as their head of state and left the Commonwealth? I thought most dropped the HoS role and stayed in assoc. ?
I’d be shocked if any of the federal Commonwealth countries make the formal change as it’s so complicated to do the formal amendments and the current system allows more women and minorities to occupy the role which (purely anecdotally) is quite popular.
There has been a sea change in the last 20 years in how involved UK monarch is in the ceremonial stuff. As one example – Duke of Edinburgh gold youth award used to always be awarded by a member of the royal family and now it is Governor General.
Anon
The Commonwealth is a separate association – being a member of the Commonwealth does not mean that the UK monarch is head of state, or even that the country was ever a British colony. Gabon, Togo, Rwanda, and Mozambique have joined the Commonwealth without ever having a prior relationship as a British colony. I expect we’ll see countries removing the UK monarch as the head of state (Jamaica’s been talking about it for years) but maybe more joining the Commonwealth, which is just an association of states.
Anon
In Canada, the monarch is head of state but doesn’t really have much to do with running the country – it’s a ceremonial role really. Our Prime Minister is the head of the government. The monarch does appoint a Lieutenant Governor to be their representative in Canada. https://www.canada.ca/en/canadian-heritage/services/crown-canada/about.html
Anonymous
Governor General has the ceremonial role with respect to the federal govt/legislature.
Each province also has a Lieutenant Governor for the ceremonial role with respect to the provincial govt/legislature.
Our provincial one just started opening the grounds at the residence for free lunchtime yoga classes in the summer which are popular. And she does a lot of the charity awareness work that you see PPOW doing in UK. Ours has also been good on Indigenous issues and raising lots of awareness there.
Anon
So there is an overall Lieutenant Governor and also ones for each province? Do they take over if something happens to the governor? And in the meantime, do they just go to parties (if so, I am here to serve!)? Are they called “leff-tenant” or is that just in BBC costume dramas?
Anonymous
There is an overall Governor General for the federal govt/legislature.Lieutenant Governors for each province. Neither has a subordinate to the other – both roles are direct appointments by the King. GG on advice of PM and LG on advice of provincial premier. if GG or LG is ill, ceremonial/charity work is postpone and anything legal is done by Chief Justice of Supreme Court.
They do ceremonial and charity work/raise awareness. They cannot be political. It’s a neutral role.
Anonymous Canadian
Definitely Leff-tenant. The Federal equivalent’s title is Governor General and in Canada that is a really amazing woman right now. Lots of parties and charity work. They read the “speech from the throne” at the opening of the legislative sessions (the government’s supposed plan for the session), and sign legislation and appointments like judicial appointments. They don’t “take over” if something happens to the premier (province) or Prime Minister (federal government) although there was an interesting question about whether the GG had the power to deny the prime minister’s “request” to dissolve parliament a few years ago. It’s ceremonial. They draw a salary while in office. I think it would be a delightful job!
Anonymous
It’s confusing to Americans as the US has no separation between Head of Govt and Head of State.
Resident heads of state do 99% of the ceremonial stuff – Governors General or Lieutenant Governors (who are prestigious Canadians). Royals visit every 3-4 years.
GG consult the Supreme Court or provincial Court of Appeal on anything where there is a possible legal angle.
Anonymous
It’s confusing only to Americans who have never bothered learning about the world until today. Many of us find it quite simple on account of reading books and learning things.
Eertmeert
Seriously. So much proud ignorance in these comments.
anon
It’s not actually that uncommon in the global scheme of things for countries to separate the roles of head of state and head of government (particularly in parliamentary systems). In the US, our president serves both roles so we don’t typically think of them as distinct, but they are in (for example) most of Europe, even where monarchy no longer exists. For example, there’s a French president who is the head of government (Macron, whom you’ve probably heard of) and a French prime minister who is head of state (Elisabeth Borne, whom you probably haven’t heard of and if you have I am impressed). Same in Italy, except the roles are reversed (PM is head of government and president is head of state). Heads of state typically take on the more ceremonial duties, like handing out decorations and opening community centers and all that.
Anon.
Same in Germany, roles are split.
First, there is the Chancellor as the head of the government, which is elected by the people (currently: Olaf Scholz, social democrat) for 4 yr terms.
Second, there is the President as the representative head of state, elected for 5 years terms by a committee representing the parliament and the federal states (somewhat comparable to House and Senate in the US). Currently, Walter Steinmeier (who was also the Foreign Minister and Vice Chancellor under Angela Merkel).
Interestingly, from a order of title, the President is the highest official in Germany, followed by the President of the Bundestag (the head of the parliament), followed by the Chancellor in only 3rd place.
Anonymous
I have no idea how the American system is functional with one person trying to do both. I think it polarizes societies more as well.
Anon
I think we could split it up and I can do the ceremonial fun things like state dinners and such.
For State governments, governors are either strong (NJ FTW) or weak (NC), so there may be much free time for “Governor’s luncheon on whether paleo lunches should be served in public schools” and similar calendar fillers or maybe the LT governor or first / second ladies of states go to these?
In some states (NC, VA), the Lt Governor is elected separately from the governor, so they can be from different parties and work to thwart each other. It’s like real housewives, but running the state you live in. States are just as wacky as countries.
Anonymous
Maybe some of the ceremonial stuff is done by wives in US? We don’t have roles for unelected spouses in Canada.
Anonymous
It is mostly done by wives, and it’s bullshit. If my husband is ever president, I refuse to do first lady stuff for free. That’s a job, pay them (yes, I know the office of first lady has a budget, but it doesn’t come with a salary).
Anon
I would totally do the first lady stuff. For free. Maybe when I am older there will be a “First Grandmother” and I can just go around and coo over babies and give people too much dessert.
Anonymous
Gibraltar is a colony part of UK as it was before Hong-Kong (more exactly it belongs to England). It is rule by an elected Chief Minister and the king representative is a Governor.
Anonymous
Good morning! I have an interview with a federal agency (in DHS, a GS position, not anything legal, in a regional office / not DC) next week. I’ve worked in local government before, but have never interviewed with the federal government. It is a phone interview. Any suggestions, tips, or types of questions to prepare for would be much appreciated.
Likewise – for the Feds here I’d love to hear about your general experience working for the federal government as well!
Anon
It really depends on the team and agency. I would expect that it will be a standard set of questions that are asked to each person being interviewed. I’ve had times were they could ask follow up questions and times they couldn’t. My experience has been the standard type of tell us a time when questions, but I have no experience with DHS.
In terms of the work experience, it changes so much by agency. Some have a reputation for being micromanaging, with very standard shifts and expectations. Mine, on the other hand, is very relaxed. I have to get my 8 hours a day in, but my boss doesn’t care when I do that so long as it happens. The benefits are pretty good – lots of vacation and sick leave. I’m actually on a 20 week paid maternity leave right now (6 weeks sick leave, 12 weeks parental leave, and 2 weeks of vacation) and my boss has made clear I can take longer if wanted since I have more banked vacation time. The downside to the government is that I’m at the top of the pay scale for my position, so I only get COLAs each year.
Anonymous
Well, if you worked for a private-sector employer you wouldn’t get a COLA, just a “merit increase” that doesn’t keep pace with inflation. So you are doing fine in terms of raises even with just a COLA.
Anon
COLAs don’t keep pace with inflation at all. They are often only like 2% and get skipped not infrequently. My salary, adjusted for inflation, has gone down every year since I hit the top pay grade
Anon
Raises in the private sector are a lot higher than government raises.
Anonymous
Coming from local government, we usually go 5ish years between COLAs and the only way to otherwise get a raise is a new position / promotion (that, of course you have to apply and interview for). We have no step increases, so even just getting a COLA is nice! I know the feds aren’t the end-all-be-all, but from an outsider looking in, it looks SO much better than local govt!
Anon
Good luck! I’m also interested. I need to find a federal position after I finish grad school (that’s who’s funding it) and the process is so opaque!
Runcible Spoon
I suggest you research the Presidential Management Intern (PMI) program, which is geared toward making it easier for grad school graduates to join the federal workforce. Good luck!
anon
I’m a mid career GS (engineer) and the questions I got were mostly technical adjacent, but not really technical. “Tell us about your experience thus far, what makes you a good fit for this role. How do you handle a conflict of technical opinions.” A lot of it can seem redundant and you’ll have to repeat yourself but put a little spin on the next response. For example they asked how my experience plays into my being qualified for the role. Then at the end they ask why they should hire me. Umm, didn’t we just spend the last hour talking about how I’m qualified and that’s why you should hire me? But that’s where you put a cap on everything and repeat a couple of your qualifications and sing yourself some unique praise and show some extra enthusiasm for the role and organization. There’s not really a dialogue between interviewer and interviewee. I find that you have to be okay monologuing. They ask, you respond, they move to the next question on the list. And it’s the same exact questions for every candidate. For me working for the feds strikes a balance between local/state govt and private. They pay better than local/state and has more upward opportunities (even if not in your agency and you have to move to a different one) while being less stressful and having more work life balance than private. I find that I can control my pace at a fed job, and if I am ambitious then I can certainly move up but if not then there’s no pressure to. There’s politics and bureaucracy of course but that’s everywhere.
PolyD
I think they do try to determine if you will fit in well, because after about a year in the job it’s difficult to fire feds (at least for now).
I was asked in my interview if I understood that the bureaucracy inherent to these jobs could make it difficult to get things done, and how I would cope with that ( I was moving from a private industry job to fed). I don’t remember what I said, but it might be a good idea to think about how to convey that you understand that processes in a federal job are often much different than in private industry.
I’m in one of the more chill positions – no one cares about butts in seats, activity on your laptop, anything like that, as long as you are getting your job done. The benefits are pretty sweet, especially the vacation and sick leave.
Fed with thoughts
If it’s a GS position, all of the questions are required to be the same across interviews. In my experience, many of the questions end of being behavioral, often tailored to the competencies that are listed as evaluation factors in the position description on USAJobs, so be sure to review those and have solid examples of your experience in each of them.
In my federal interviewing experience, the “STAR” method is a fantastic framework to use when answering these kind of questions. It gives you a guide as you speak, keeps things relative concise, and provides a narrative for the listener.
Anonymous
I don’t have much to offer on interviews (came in as a lawyer), but if you get the job know that this is your shot to negotiate for step and leave.
Many agencies only offer Step 1, but if your current earnings and experience support it, can move you up. Secondly, new feds only earn 4 hours annual leave a pay period, jumping to 6 hour at year 3, and 8 hours at year 15. But if your current job is similar to the work you’ll be doing at the fed position, they can credit that time, treating you as if you had been working for the feds that whole time and deserving of 6 or 8 hours of leave a pay period.
Runcible Spoon
Yes, but not during the interview process — that would be with the HR person when a preliminary offer is made, and would depend on how badly they want to hire you and how competitive it is to get that position (they can just drop you and move on to the #2 on the short list if they absolutely do not have the budget and you are immovable on the salary and leave variance you ask for).
Nesprin
Reread the posting- in my fed adjacent workplace we score on things in the posting, and we usually ask direct, word for word “tell me about your experience with (line from posting 4)”
Runcible Spoon
In some situations, the interviewers for federal jobs may be somewhat impressed if you mention that you contacted people at DHS to ask about the position and working there and would like to ask about some of what you heard from them. Just like any job interview, think ahead about what sort of candidate they are looking for in terms of qualifications and soft-skills (like fitting in, fun to travel with, not an a-hole, etc.), and then be sure to deliver talking points addressing those aspects. Most interviewers are looking for someone they won’t have to supervise intensively, who they can rely on to handle their business while still exercising judgment about when to come to supervisors for guidance and advice and alway operating on a “no-surprises” basis (i.e., giving management a head’s up so they are not caught short by developments). Good luck!
College Moms...
My niece is flying cross-country to where I live to start college near me next week. She is just bringing her clothes and essentials in suitcases with her.
Remind me – what are some things she might want to be gathering this weekend to bring to her dorm room? I remember some of the things I used, I don’t know what things have changed. She will probably use some of my pillows and blankets. She’s not a big planner…. and told me she might need sheets. She should have a laptop.
I am trying to remember some things that were good to have, that I’ll try to remind her to squeeze into her luggage. But I think maybe I will take her to Target and Costco or something.
What did your kids like having in their college dorm room in the beginning?
No big pricey stuff like fridges etc… She wont want stuff like that and since I live nearby, I can help her get other things that she decides she needs later.
Anon.
What is her setup with bathrooms, shower etc? If communal, a shower caddy might be handy. If en suite, a new shower curtain (with the rings!), towels in two sizes, toilet brush, plunger, basic cleaning supplies etc.
What is her room like? Any shelve space? Closet space?
Desk organizers, files and folders, those plastic drawer cabinets, over-the-door hangers (hooks, or shoe storage) might be useful.
Also, I know you didn’t want this, but consider a mini-fridge and microwave. If she has a roommate, wait until she knows what that person brings.
College Moms...
Good questions. I think it is a simple small room with one roommate, bathroom down the hall. I’ll ask her if she knows the furniture.
Nice ideas! I was wondering about an under the bed storage thing, but some I guess you need to know what the bed looks like first.
Maybe I should take her to Target after she moves in!
Anon
I’d do some leg work before she comes to see if any school near you still have the “Back to College” displays up – I went to a school that was quarters when everyone else nearby was semesters, and vividly remember target being empty of college stuff when I need it!
for practical stuff: batteries, snacks, some Tupperware, a set of dishes/silverware for her room, laundry supplies, storage (may need to see her room before you now what she needs), a bedside/reading lamp, lap desk, bonus furniture if she can fit it like a cozy chair. as the adult aunt, you probably have ideas that she doesn’t about what you need to have available to live independently that will be helpful!
College Moms...
Thanks – these are great ideas.
Anonymous
Talk with her. Part of being an adult is sorting this stuff out. Some will also depend on space. For example, I would never have used a lap desk, because desk was literally attached to my bed and our room was TIGHT so storage was a premium. Same with dishes and silverware. Great if you have a setup with a mini kitchen. Not great if it’s just one room. Paper plates are the way to go so you’re not washing things in bathroom sinks. I’d maybe make a checklist but wouldn’t buy anything in advance.
Anonymous
Take her to Target. I’ll add a small first aid kit, extension code and power strip, desk lamp, bedding. big pillow to sit up in bed.
Anonymous
Just off the top of my head: laundry basket, shower caddy (if on a hall-style dorm), sheets, blankets, pillows, rug, reading lamp.
I can’t imagine doing this without a big Target trip once she landed. I moved into college almost 30 years ago with two cars (one a minivan) full of stuff.
Cerulean
Two carloads for a dorm room sounds like a ton to me! I can’t imagine fitting that much stuff into a typical shared dorm room.
Anon
Two carloads is waaaayyy too much for a dorm room.
FP
I am not a college mom but am a college professor and lead a first year advisory group. Honestly she seems very unprepared but maybe that’s okay! She needs bedding (pillows, sheets, blankets) and preferably a backup set of sheets to have with her. She needs toiletries and a way to carry them back and forth in the res hall. She needs towels. She needs laundry detergent (unless the school provides). She needs to have a backpack. Depending on climate she needs to have or be ready to buy fall/winter clothing. You will absolutely need to take her to Target if she is anything like my students (large flagship university). She will probably need pens, notebooks, a planner. Her syllabi should indicate if anything is needed for a specific class (calculators, etc.). My students all report that they have mini storage ottomans for hiding booze because apparently RA’s are not allowed to search furniture that does not belong to the university. If you’re going to Target, get some snacks for her to have in her room (granola bars, etc.).
Anonymous
I think it is hilarious that they told you about the ottomans.
Anon
If she has anything from home she might want that’s not going in her luggage, suggest that she fill a box and ship it to you, rather than you buying new stuff for her.
Anon
Her school should have sent her a list of what she needs if she’s living in a dorm?
Anon
That said, I don’t have kids but when I moved in a dorm: toiletries, laundry detergent, flip flops for the shower, a lamp, a mini fridge if she can rent one, bedding, any decor/photos she may like to have.
Cerulean
Yes, or the college’s housing website might have info.
Anonymous
The answer to your question is yes, they should have.
Anon
If she needs Twin XL sheets, get those in advance. They are often hard to find by this time, as everyone who started college earlier cleared them out, and you risk running to 12 different stores trying to find some. Ask me how I know. . . Regular twin are easier to find, but she needs at least an XL fitted sheet. Everything else, you can pretty much do in one big Target run.
No Problem
Yes, at minimum get the sheets and a mattress pad in advance (assuming she’ll need twin XL like most colleges). Ask her to buy online and ship them to you or you can buy them locally/online and get them washed before she arrives.
Since you say she’s doing some kind of orientation thing, the minimum she will need on the day she arrives will be:
-bed setup (sheets, mattress pad, blanket, quilt, pillow)
-towels
-toiletries
-tote/basket for carrying toiletries down the hall to the bathroom
-shower shoes (we all used cheap flip flops)
-laundry basket/hamper
I think all the rest can be acquired after she gets back and actually settles in (extension cords, backrest pillow, bedside lamp, other storage, hangers, school supplies, decorations, etc.) and may depend on her room’s furniture and setup. Some of this she can probably also get at her campus bookstore, like the school supplies and extension cords, so you may not need to include those on your eventual shopping list.
Anonymous
This stuff will be so much more expensive at the college bookstore, and the selection will be poor.
No Problem
Depends on where you are and what you’re getting, and how much it’s worth it to you to save $5 or $10. My school bookstore sold school-branded planners that were exactly what I wanted and no more expensive than anything I could find at Target. I’m pretty sure I lived all four years of college off of one box of pens, one package of mechanical pencils, and the same plastic accordion folder I reused each semester, and just bought a five subject notebook each semester, so my total spend each year was maybe $20-30 including the planner that was probably half the total. If you’re going to need art supplies or anything in substantial quantity then you might save a meaningful amount of money by going to Target or another big box store.
Anonymous
Just take her to Target and let her pick out what she wants. Costco won’t have what she needs. Then take her again in about a week when she realizes what she’s forgotten.
Anon
Dorms usually send out a list. The big problem is that most kids pack too much do your niece is doing better at least.
Let niece get settled for a day then take her to target.
My son just moved into his junior year apartment and my daughter graduated in the spring so we’ve been through this a few times now!
College Moms...
Thanks…. Good advice.
It turns out she moves in, then goes on some sort of orientation trip away from the college for several days and then comes back. Hopefully she will have a free day after the orientation/?bonding trip to do errands before classes.
Anon
Toilet paper, even if it’s just one roll until she figures out the situation.
Sheets, mattress pad, mattress cover.
Charging cords with the wall plugs for all her devices.
Clothes, school supplies, any meds, toiletries.
SS/ID/passport if she is getting a job, health insurance cards.
College Moms...
Well, I certainly would not have thought of TP so thanks!
I like the mattress pad idea…. You mean like a topper/memory foam? I’m sure those college mattress were terrible, but gosh … how nice to be young and able to sleep on anything.
Anon
Most dorm mattresses are waterproof vinyl and very crinkly. I tried going without a topper at first and woke myself up every time I rolled over.
Anonymous
I have never lived in a dorm where I had to provide my own toilet paper. Wait until she gets there and finds out what she needs. But do make sure she’s got sheets, mattress pad, and mattress topper in advance because, as someone pointed out already, twin XL will be sold out everywhere.
Anon
Laundry detergent.
Shampoo/conditioner/soap.
Tampons.
Condoms/plan B.
Some dorms require metal trash can and metal/glass ashtray (even if you don’t smoke) as a fire safety measure.
Paper/pens/whatever school supplies she wants.
Bus pass (or whatever the local equivalent is near you).
Tylenol/bandaids/cold medicine.
At-home tests.
KN95 masks.
Anon
Extension cord/surge protector.
Anonymous
Listen to your niece if she says she doesn’t want a lot of stuff. Lots of people go wild with dorm decorations. My daughter is a minimalist and is happy with/prefers basics. If your niece is arriving on a plane, she will be leaving on a plane and stuff may be a burden at the end of the year.
Beds are likely twin XL. Other basics include hangers and shower caddy. My daughter’s room comes with items like lamp and trash can. She’ll likely need to shop for toiletries, etc and she may prefer to purchase what she likes rather than have you pick.
At my daughter’s school the bathrooms are cleaned and there’s maintenance, thus plunger and toilet scrubber perhaps not required.
Overall I’d lean towards checking in, taking stock and then buying…. Worst case scenario you order for next day delivery.
Anon
Yes, this! She’s going to have to move out and store her stuff at the end of every year. As someone who went to school across the country from my family, I was never more jealous of the students who were more local than at the end of the year when their families showed up with the minivan to move them out. I had to pack and store everything myself, carrying it from the 4th floor of my dorm with no elevators to whatever storage space I could find or a friend’s borrowed car to move it somewhere, all in the midst of taking finals.
I also live in a college town now and there are disgusting amounts of waste at the of every year as people trash all the crap they bought to make their perfect looking rooms. It’s way better to just get the basics now and let her figure out later if there are other things she needs.
anon
I’d encourage her to get a kettle, mug, plate, bowl and fork, knife and spoon. Can just be one place setting but the kettle will cover not just tea, but also oatmeal, ramen, etc. and at some point, she is going to need something to cut up take out.
College Moms...
Thank you for the wonderful advice.
She seemed excited by a Target trip, after first checking my place to take/borrow anything she wants. I wont buy anything for her. I’ll make a list of essentials (bedding, toiletries etc…) with all of your great additional ideas, and have it at hand. I like your suggestion of having her settle in first, and telling her I can take her for a second Target trip to fill in the gaps. Will do.
Good point about having to do something with the stuff at the end of the year. Yikes. What did I do? Can’t remember… storage somewhere?
Cerulean
You sound like an awesome aunt. Have fun!
Anne-on
At the end of the year everyone local basically packed up the largest vehicle they had access to in their families and/or shipped stuff home. It was also common for apartment rentals to end at the end of the school year so that you could store stuff over the summer in your new apartment/house. Lots of kids also rented out storage pods, even 20+ years ago. Also I just realized it’s been over 20 years since I graduated…eeek!
Anon
I live in a college town. At the end of the year, absolute tons of stuff just gets left on the sidewalks. It’s such a waste, and of course local taxpayers pick up the tab for having extra trash service come pick it all up.
Anne-on
+1 to you being an awesome aunt btw. I’d also make it know to your niece that she can use your house as a place to drop by/crash if she needs some quiet time or a home cooked meal (if you’re ok with that and she respects ground rules). I’m sure you’ll both be very close by the end of college!
Anonymous
At my school, the non-locals tended to get together in small groups to rent a storage unit. Most of the storage companies had student specials for the summer.
Anon
The beds are usually extra long twin sheets and they often want a topper so that is something to order. Otherwise, when she is ready to move in, go with her and check out the space. Take her to the Target closet to the school and everything will be there!
Anonymous
I’m an income partner with a small book. Equity partners sometimes ask me to oversee associates working on their matters but then tell me not to bill much. Some of the associates need a lot of training; if you want the work done correctly and you want me to train them then I’m going to bill my time. But then I get pushback that I’m billing “too much.” So I’ll tell them ok I’ll take a step back and just oversee major things, the associate can do the day to day. But then if something goes wrong it’s my fault, why wasn’t I more involved. Basically I’m asked to provide managerial oversight but they don’t want to pay me for my time. It feels like a no win situation. These matters are a stressful distraction from my own work for my own clients, and they don’t result in many hours. I’ve tried to be “too busy” for things like this but I can’t avoid all of them. Is this just the reality of mid-career life in a law firm?
Anonymous
Yes.
Anon
I would bill all the time you think it takes to properly do what you are being asked to do and tell them to write if off under “associate training” or whatever your firm calls it.
Anon
+1
OP
The firm has been cracking down on write offs/downs, which is why they’re pushing back on me rather than writing down the time. When I’ve confronted them in a, what do you mean by that? do you mean you want me to not record billable time that I’ve spent on this matter?, they deny that they’re asking me to not bill my time, they just want me to spend less time. Ok so if you want me to spend less time then you’re cool with shoddy work and mistakes? You can’t have it both ways.
I’m tired of these senior men expecting me to work for free/a pittance to preserve their relationship with their client who can’t actually afford our rates. If you want to work for free or at a seriously discounted rate for your client then knock yourself out but leave me out of it. They never discount their own time, of course.
Anon
I know this is easier said than done, so please don’t think I’m wagging a finger at you – but refuse to do it. I would do everything I could to wiggle out of this. I guarantee that these male partners did not do any charity work on their way up the ladder. Treat them as they would treat you if the situation were reversed.
Anon
Does your firm have an in-house counsel with whom you can consult?
Anon
They are hoping you will self discount your time for their benefit. Don’t. Nod and smile when they make these complaints. “Understood, will make sure I delegate as much as possible to the associates on this.” Rinse and repeat. They can either accept that they have to write of your time or find someone else to oversee their matters who can be bullied into writing off their own time. I get that it’s easier said than done but I’d try to let go of convincing them that you are in the right. They are never going to give you permission to bill everything so stop seeking it. You don’t need it. Remind yourself that they asked you to take on the work.
Anon
Yes. Make it not negotiable. If you accept the work, you will do it and you will bill it. If they want you to take a more hands-off approach, say no, or set expectations very clearly in writing.
Girlonawireless
You have a book. It may be small, as you said, but it’s still a book. Start putting out feelers to go elsewhere. They’re putting you in a lose-lose situation. If monitoring the junior associates is so important, they should be taking a more active role themselves.
Anon
Looking for recommendations for what neighborhood to stay in Vienna and Berlin. I would say we are hipstersish areas with cool bars and restaurants. Thank you
Anon
OP Here – Also would like same recommendation for Prague. thank you
Anonymous
I am doing this exact trip next year! We’re seeing TSwift in Vienna, then taking the train to Prague and then Berlin. Very excited.
anon
For Vienna that would be the 7th district. Near Spittelberg. And sit outside at Amerlingbeisl, and enjoy an amazing meal at Tian Bistro. Lots of fun coffee shops, fun random stores, and places to dance the night away. Enjoy your trip! Vienna is wonderful:-)
anonshmanon
For Berlin, Kreuzberg, Prenzlauer Berg or Moabit would be my recommendation. All well connected in terms of public transit, and they have restaurants etc. galore.
Anon
I would stay in Prenzlauer Berg in Berlin (specifically, near either Rosenthaler Str, Helmholtzplatz, or near but not directly at busy Eberswalder Str). This will make you well connected on transit to other parts of Berlin and the areas are both very nice. In Prague I would stay in Vinohrady
Anon
Is a judge magistrate for a federal district court a well paying job? What is the process for being selected for this role? Do people stay as magistrates or try to move up?
Anon
Federal magistrate is a good job. Those appointed tend to stay until retirement unless they are nominated to become a judge. Federal magistrate is a term position that is renewable. 2023 pay range is $174,894 and $199,538, with location differentials. Here’s an article on the selection process:
https://www.fedbar.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/RMJ-feature4-mayjun14-pdf-1.pdf
It is highly competitive. It is a long process. The FBI background check is extensive. I have several friends who are federal magistrates and I lived through the process with them.
Blitzer
Full Time Magistrate Judges in the federal system all make the same salary; 92 percent of a District Judge’s salary. This year it’s $213,992. There is no locality adjustment.
Anonymous
I’m not sure if it varies circuit to circuit but where I live it is a well-paying job and also seen as a pretty cushy job. Some of the magistrates try to move up but some seem perfectly happy to stay in that job until retirement. The most recent appointment in our state was a former district court judge who was pretty politically connected.
Mrs Luke Danes
For your last two questions, in my district, individuals apply and are interviewed by a selection committee, and then by the district judges who have the final say. When I clerked at a federal court, the district judges’ decision meeting was like a papal enclave and the result was the worst-kept secret. Some stay as magistrate judges, some move up. If you apply, do so with the idea that you want that particular job, not with the idea that it’s a stepping stone, as the district judges really want to hire magistrate judges, not people gunning for their jobs. The duties vary by district.
anon
I agree with all of this for my district as well. It is definitely a competitive and hard job to get, even though at least on the criminal side, it is very rote (i.e. arraignments, detention hearings, reviewing search warrants and the like). Many people have to apply multiple times to get it, and usually need to be well connected within the legal community in the district. As PP said, some stay, some move up (more staying than moving up).
Blitzer
It pays 92 percent of a District Judge; $213,992 this year. No locality pay though; same salary in NYC or Paducah Kentucky. You serve eight year terms; if you serve two terms (16 years), you get your full salary for life once you are eligible for retirement. Magistrate Judges are frequently selected for District Judge nominations.
Hi!
Love the Paducah shout-out — hi fellow WKY native!
Perimenopause rant.
Just a random rant on this Friday:
I’m 41 and my periods are starting to get wonky. Went from a clockwork 28-29 day cycle in my 30s to now 21-24 days and with occasional 30-32 day cycles every few months just to keep me on my toes.
Ladies, I have taken more pregnancy tests in the past 18 months then I took when trying to conceive 10 years ago.
WTH. I am lucky that I am very in tune with my body and not on hormonal birth control, so I’m usually aware of the signs signalling an impending period, but I fear it’s only a matter of time until I have a surprise flood come over me unexpectedly.
(Adding that I do my regular health check-ups including bloodwork, and everything is within normal range.)
BeenThatGuy
Sounds about right. I’m 47 and I have to always be prepared that my period could start at any time. I use an app to track it but it’s so irregular and it’s almost silly. You’re doing the right thing by looking for signs that it’s coming (irritability, bre@st changes or even changes to the way you smell). Can’t do much but always be prepared. If you are concerned, I’d get some lab work done but most likely, you will fall into the bucket of “this is normal” (and get used to it). Sigh.
Anonymous
If you are not opposed to the BCP, you could use continuously and avoid periods altogether.
Anon
I wouldn’t be comfortable with the increased stroke risk for this age cohort (aside from other side effects).
College Moms...
Yet many, many women take OCPs until they go through menopause (and it masks many uncomfortable perimenopausal symptoms!).
Sometimes the improved quality of life is worth the relatively small increased risk for many.
Anonymous
I would not bother with pregnancy testing unless you are, say, 45 days out and that is abnormal for you. I guess I am lucky this is happening when I am 49 andr thus quite unlikely to get pregnant so I just don’t even worry about it. But if you really are in Peru, you are probably not super likely to get accidentally pregnant either so you can probably wait to test with some confidence.
Anonymous
*in peri
I don’t think being in Peru affects fertility.
Anon
hahaha. one of my favorite typos I’ve seen here!
Anon
The CEO of our local Planned Parenthood once told me that the age group using PP for termination the most was 40-something women (not teens). If you live in half of the states, waiting 45 days seems dangerous.
Anonymous
The OP did not say she’d terminate. Also, waiting 35 days is virtually the same if the cutoff is 42. But yeah, if termination is the plan and you are living in the part of America that is “great again,” testing sooner is probably advisable.
anon
When I was starting peri in my late forties and asked my gyno about going off BC, she told me I could easily still get pregnant – I was just unlikely to have a successful pregnancy. I kept my IUD.
Anon
I went down to every three weeks for several years before I finally stopped!
Anonymous
I hear you. I’m 39 and I’ve started to have more mid-cycle spotting and a variable flow. I have no idea whether this is normal for me because I’d been on hormonal BCP from age 15 until last year. I have lots of follicles and my FSH and AMH are great, so it’s probably not perimenopause. It’s frustrating to be told everything is normal, as if it’s not embarrassing to be almost 40 and tying my sweater around my waist because I bled through my pants. Middle school all over again.
I’ve been wearing period panties just in case. I tried a brand recommended here that is sold at Nordstrom. The ultra light option doesn’t feel much different from normal underwear but it gives much better protection.
Hollis
What is the brand of period panties that’s recommended here?
Babybaby
I’m 44 and earlier this year I suddenly had periods every two weeks. Gyn said things looked “normal” and my basic thyroid check was fine. After a few months of this, I went back to a 3 week cycle (so far! Fingers crossed) but I feel very unmoored by it.
All of this is to say I have no real advice but you’re not alone.
Anon
I am your age too and suddenly this year having periods every 3 months! It’s good, but… I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop (swimming, camping, packing for anywhere… ready for the period anyway).
Formerly Lilly
Oh just wait until it skips some months entirely and then just randomly shows up! For a long while I wore precautionary panty liners on a daily basis. My very last period was nearly a year after the previous one and happened while I was an hour away from home driving a week old new car with ivory leather seats. There comes a point where full on menopause is a joyful thing. Hang in there! It will get better.
Anonymous
Oh. This is upsetting. I thought I was getting close. Maybe not.
Anne-on
I hopefully asked my OBGyn if I was close to full on menopause since I started my periods very early. She basically laughed at me and said I was likely to have another decade plus before that happened (42 now fwiw). I nearly cried, I am SO over my period.
Formerly Lilly
That last one was a one time thing – just some of “Goodbye Forever” from my ovaries I guess. Throughout perimenopause I found that if I minimized dairy and meat I did not have hot flashes, night sweats, crying jags, etc. Ymmv of course.
Anon
I’m 38 and my cycles have gotten super short in the last year (~21 days, down from 30+ days in my 20s and 28 days in my early-mid 30s). At least I haven’t needed pregnancy tests but I feel like I’m bleeding or PMS-ing 100% of the time and I hate it.
Anon
I turn 37 next month and my doc just put me on continuous BCP for perimenopause symptoms. I thought I was too old but she said my overall risk of a clot/stroke was low. Not only were my cycles18-21 days, I was also completely miserable in the days leading up to my period – crying at my desk, for example.
Nylongirl
Sounds like it’s time for an ablation! Whole heartedly recommend and was life changing for me.
Anon
Health insurance help! My DH is on my insurance, which is quite expensive as my employer contributes $0 to his cost, so I’m paying about $1300/mo to have him added. He recently finished grad school and is job searching. When he secures a job that offers his own insurance, can I remove him from my health insurance? Or do I need to wait until my open enrollment to make a change? I ask because my open enrollment is coming up. I’m wondering if it would be cheaper to remove him, pay monthly through a state exchange (if that’s possible), until he gets a job with his own coverage.
Anon
Getting a new job with insurance eligibility is a qualifying event. It might still be cheaper for him to get insurance on the exchange, but the plan will likely be worse.
Anon
You can drop him when he gets new coverage, whenever that is. It would be considered a Qualified Change of Status, which allows you to make changes outside of open enrollment. The specific change would be that your spouse “gains or loses coverage”.
Anonymous
Check and see if his change of employment is a qualifying event for you to make a change under your program. It is for me.
Anonymous
You can remove him outside of open enrollment. I am not sure about eligibility for state exchange on these facts (or in your state) but you can certainly find something cheaper than $1300 if eligible but it might have a huge deductible and less coverage. If this is temporary and he doesn’t have large expected costs it might be worth the gamble.
Anonymous
We switched to my husband’s insurance once he started working for the feds and I had to get proof that we were covered by his insurance in order for my insurance to drop us.
Anonymous
does anyone know any tricks for getting fat men’s pants to stay on? my son is an apple without hips or a waist so the pants just slide off even with a belt. he’s only 5’2.
Anon
Suspenders?
Anon
My paternal grandfather was shaped like a sweet potato and this is the answer right here.
Anon
Overalls
Anonymous
Elastic waist? Maybe an adaptive clothing company will have dress pants with an elastic waist if something fancier than sweatpants is needed.
Anonymous Canadian
I don’t know if I should say this but…please don’t ever use the expression “fat men’s pants” in your son’s hearing. Have lived through a teenaged boy’s weight struggles and they are just as devastating and crushing for them as any girl’s. Only advice on the clothing issue is my son wore a lot of elastic waist jogger-style pants which were popular at that time – not sure what the fashion situation is now though. Suspenders are a good choice for suit pants for an oval-shaped guy.
Anon
I agree. This was very jarring to read. Very contemptuous.
Anon
I’m a fat woman. A lot of us are trying hard for the word “fat” to be a neutral descriptor and not an insult. But I agree that it should come from the son and not the mom in this case.
No Problem
He should be wearing the pants and belt snug enough that they don’t just slide off during normal wear. Sounds like he needs to tighten the belt a notch or two, and also make sure he’s wearing them at his actual waist instead of sagging them, as all teen boys seem to do.
Blitzer
What about a belt?
Anonymous
AITA? I live in a smallish town with two jewelry stores. My family and I have always preferred one store. I’ve developed a good relationship with the owners and the longterm staff over the decades I’ve been going there. This store is also the only dealer of a luxury watch brand within a several hundred mile radius and they usually have a long waiting list.
Years ago, my ex bought our engagement ring from this store. I broke off the engagement shortly before the wedding because he cheated. I gave the ring back. Since then, I’ve met a wonderful man and when we started talking about marriage I suggested looking at rings at the store. I also wanted to get him a watch as an engagement present, he’d always wanted a watch from the brand sold at the store, and I knew this store would help with the waiting list so I could get the watch in time. He got the ring from the store, I got the watch, and everything was going well.
I had never mentioned that the ex got the last ring at this store because… I guess I just didn’t think about it? It’s not like I was hiding it, I’ve used this store many times before and many times since the ex, I don’t associate it with him at all. I’m not even sure how it came up but I mentioned something about my last engagement ring from the store and FH got really quiet. He says he’s upset and he needs some time to think. He says he would’ve preferred to know this before he bought the ring and accepted the watch. I feel terrible that he’s hurt, I didn’t intend to keep anything from him. But also, he knows I was engaged before and there are only two stores in town, if he didn’t want overlap then I feel like he should’ve said something. But maybe it didn’t occur to him just like it didn’t occur to me. Did I mess up here?
Anonymous
He is being silly, like he is searching for ways to feel hurt.
Anon
I think you messed up by mentioning your last ring, but not by going to the same store. There are only two stores! And this is the one you always go to and sells the watch. But it was a little tactless to make it sound like you buy engagement rings there regularly.
Anonymous
+1 He did not need to know that. In general keep that last engagement and old BF to yourself. I wouldn’t like it either if my FH said that he got his last GF’s ring at the same place.
Anon
This is all very strange to me, as somene who is twice married. My current husband went with me to sell my previous wedding ring. You didn’t mess up. Everyone has a past. You aren’t, and shouldn’t, hide yours.
Anonymous
No he’s being incredibly weird
Anon
+1
I live in a small town and if I could never go places or buy things from places associated with an ex, I’d never leave mt house. This is a him problem.
Anon
Exactly…what else is off limits? Your ex’s favorite grocery store and restaurants? Can you buy a dish he liked? It’s weird. A red flag for insecurity.
PolyD
Ha. I thought you were going to say he accidentally bought your old ring!
That’s a weird thing to be upset about. Like, if your ex had gotten the ring from Costco, does that mean you and FH are banned from shopping at Costco?
Anon
I left my ex on my Costco card when we split and was HOPING he’d buy a ring for his new GF there. I wanted that 2%!!!
Anonymous
I think I’d be more concerned that this is some yellow flag for how he feels about your prior relationship. That’s not a normal reaction for a dude, esp in a town that only has two jewelry stores.
Anon
Yep, that was my immediate reaction. Are you sure this guy is really that nice? This seems like a huge overreaction and would be a big red (or at least dark orange) flag for me.
Anon88
+1
Coach Laura
Agree that you didn’t mess up but caution you to explore with him – prior to the wedding – what he might think about your prior life and that he needs to let go of things like this. Are you going to be living in the small town together? I can see him in the future pouting about other perceived “slights” and making a problem where there is none. Some men resent the fact that they are not first love in their spouse’s life and the fact that he is this upset about a silly store issue is a warning to me, and hopefully to you, that you as a couple have some talking to do.
A woman being unhappy at having a hand-me-down diamond engagement ring (without her knowledge) can pout; a man pouting at a hand-me-down jewelry store is crazy.
Anon
+1, this is really good advice. I would definitely have a serious chat about why this bothered him so much.
Senior Attorney
+1 to all of this.
Anon
+1 You need to figure this out before you get married or there will be other things like this. You may never be able to vacation in the same state as you did with your ex, for example!
Anecdata
I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to be upset that you /shopped/ at the same store, but if I read correctly, was it that you mentioned your last engagement ring while you were out shopping for the current one? I can see how that would seem a bit weird to your fiance — even if it was in terms of “wow, you’re so much better than the last guy who bought me an engagement ring here”. Like your old relationship is still your main reference point for how you think about this one?
OP
No I didn’t mention the old ring when we were shopping for the new one, it came up after we were already engaged and had exchanged engagement gifts. I forget exactly how it came up, I think we were talking about getting the ring cleaned or redipped and I must’ve said something like, I’ll just take it to the store they’ll do a great job, and he asked some follow up question like, have you had that done before/how did you know that/something along those lines. It was phrased in a way that I felt like answering without mentioning the other ring would’ve been dishonest. Maybe it would’ve been more tactful to be vague about it.
Runcible Spoon
Wow, those seemingly accusatory “how did you know that” questions are troubling. Definitely suggest you explore his insecurities about you being an adult with experiences that predate his appearance in your life. How did you know that? Because you’ve done stuff before, and you’ve gone through some things.
Anon
DH was engaged long before he met me; she broke it off because her feelings changed.
I find this all to be weird. I assume that he had preexisting knowledge of buying engagement rings. I assume that the ring for the ex came from a store.
Maybe I got his ring from the exact same store that he had bought her ring from? He liked the ring and said he didn’t hold the failed engagement against the store.
This stuff happens.
Anon
In other news, does he know you aren’t a virgin?
Anon
Do you mean she had secs with her ex with the same vaj???
Coach Laura
I was actually going to mention that in my comment above. Some me want their wives to be virgins, and even though they may rationally know there are very few, they are still disappointed. I find it to be very off putting, like they are cavemen claiming their woman.
Back to her FH, I think she needs to ask hard questions and review the answers.
Explorette
Oh boy, this would be a huge red flag for me. It sounds like he has some major insecurity issues. Can you take off your love googles and put on some scrutinizing googles and look at this person and his other actions? Is this part of a pattern you have brushed off previously? It’s not normal to get upset that you bought a ring from the same store. So I suspect there are other similar behaviors that you may want to seriously consider before getting married.
Formerly Lilly
Yeah I was married to someone who went through life looking for ways to be slighted. It’s exhausting. Op If this is part of a pattern maybe some premarital couples counseling?
Anon
If you wanted to use the same ring design, venue, and decor from last time I can see why he’d be upset. He doesn’t want to feel like you’re living out an old wedding fantasy and he’s just a fungible piece you’re inserting into the plan. But using one of two jewelers in town who you have a relationship with? He needs to get over it. Sit him down one time and explain that you’re excited to marry *him*, your previous engagement doesn’t make this wedding any less special to you, and you don’t associate the jeweler with your past relationship so he shouldn’t either.
Anon
Right? Like if this is a suspect category, there are two and only two likely suspects. If it means something, he could have used his words. Will you potentially use the same church? Same minister who may have done your pre-cana? Same caterer? Same potential wedding party minus the groom? Where does it end?
Anonymous
does anyone use an OTC retinol for your neck? I think my prescription trentinoin is too harsh for my neck (vaguely remember my dr telling me i could put it on 1x a week).
Anon
Yes – you are supposed to use it much less often.
I am now using a prescription trentinoin cream instead of the gel version. The cream is much more mild.
You can also try layering lotion on your next first, letting that soak in, the putting the trentinoin on top.
Necks are hard though. Much of that situation is genetic. And I mean… you have to bend your neck to function so those lines are going to develop.