Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Dalton Blazer in Italian Cotton-Linen

384 Comments

1. I’m very disappointed about the Vatican’s announcements yesterday regarding LGBTQ+. The announcement to not bless same-sex couples was disappointing, but I was very dismayed by the language used in the announcement. Any Catholics feeling similarly this morning?

   1. It’s so frustrating. I have several very close gay friends and have really shifted to the Episcopal church over the past few years, to the dismay of my family. They had spent the better part of last year encouraging me to explore some of the outreach that different priests have engaged in, especially Fr. James Martin and his discussion of gays in the church. This is pretty much it for me.

      1. My Episcopalian mother fought HARD with my Catholic father to raise my siblings and I in the Episcopal Church. I am so, so glad she did. My relationship with religion is constantly changing. I’m very glad that I don’t have to grapple with a church that doesn’t support my social beliefs on top of that

         1. As all the signs say, “The Episcopal Church Welcomes YOU”! I realize going Episcopalian isn’t something many Catholics want to do, for many many reasons. (I came to the Episcopal Church from a mainline Protestant denomination, so it was NBD to my family.)

         2. My Lutheran Dad and Catholic Mom compromised on raising us Episcopalian, and I’ve also been really thankful they made that decision.

   2. I don’t see how anyone is surprised but I agree, an ongoing disappointment

      1. +1.

   3. Not a Catholic, but serious question, why did you expect anything better? It always puzzles me when religious people want their churches to be something they’re not and have never claimed to be. The Church discriminates against gays and lesbians and a deviation from that would deviate from the Bible in a major way. Wouldn’t it be easier for you to just drop them and practice your faith in some other way? I know it’s not super easy, but people do change religions.

      1. I’m with you. My divorced husband is very much annoyed at their stance on remarried divorced people without an annulment and I am amazed that he is annoyed. Churches have rules and beliefs and stances. There is a rule on this and I’m not surprised that they consider their rule to be non-optional. It is pretty fundamental to the faith (and I realize that a big part of the practice of adherents is to pick and choose and to be culturally Catholic, you can’t expect management to do anything but adhere to the actual doctrine).

         1. Pro tip – an annulment largely requires payment. If he pays up, he can have his second marriage lol

            1. Ha! Indulgences. He is annoyed that he’d have to do anything. Like, dude, that is not how it works.

      2. Yeah I was raised Catholic and I tend to agree. The Church has proven over and over again that it is unwilling to change on contraception, gay marriage, women in the priesthood, etc. They have also shown horrific carelessness with regard to $exual abuse and a refusal to take responsibility. I know of dozens of former Catholics who have left the Church for these reasons, myself and my entire family included.

         At a certain point you have to accept that you can’t change this from within. You have to decide if you want to stay, and by staying show that you support the Church in their policies. I couldn’t, and I left.

         1. I agree with this. When you look at the totality of the church’s positions and history, it’s pretty horrifying. You need to make your decision whether to stay or go based on that evidence, not based on what you hope it could be one day. If there’s a miracle and it does change, you can go back then.

         2. This. I gave in and was married in a Catholic mass, to keep the peace in my family, which I’m still mad at myself about. That was the last time we celebrated any sacrament in the church, and never will again. I am horrified at the church’s stance on sexual abuse, LGBTQ rights, women’s roles, etc. and flat out refused to baptize my child despite strong family pressure.
            However – the Catholic church has NEVER hid any of this. When they say who they are, believe them.

            1. Yes exactly. My husband and I were both raised Catholic, but both left the Church as soon as we finished high school. Our entire families were dismayed when we did not get married in the Church or baptize our children. My MIL still thinks we aren’t really married and we can’t trust her to watch our children because she tried to take them to be baptized behind our backs when they were little! My husband lost his mind. Anyway, we live in a largely Catholic area and many people just overlook these things about the Church, but we could not continue to support it.

            2. I sort of feel this way about the British royal family! Been thinking about this in the wake of Meghan and Harry’s interview, which was then connected to Diana’s revelations in her day. It sounds like a pretty brutal institution when you’re inside it, but what reason have they ever given people to expect better? Particularly in terms of race, but also in terms of gender roles or mental health?

               I find it touching–not being sarcastic, I mean it–that people expect major institutions like this to change with the times and embrace difference. It’s a great vote of confidence, and really a bid to keep these authorities relevant in our culture. But some institutions just don’t deserve that credit.

   4. Oh honey, it’s one of the many reasons why I gave up that church as soon as I was old enough to not be forced to go by my parents. What do you expect from them?

   5. Yes, but also no. It’s not unexpected or inconsistent with centuries of it taking the same stance. I was disappointed that they came out so strongly and at this moment in time (like, why now? why in that way?) but I am also a decade plus removed from the Catholic church. I refused to get married in it. I won’t get my child baptized in it. I cannot embrace an institution that discriminates against so many. I don’t know if my child will be gay, but I refuse to raise her in a faith that tells her that if she is gay, her existence is a sin (which they basically already do since she was conceived using reproductive technology but that’s a soapbox for another day).

      Here’s where I do struggle: I’m a spiritual person. I loved the tradition of the church growing up – it offered some identity at a young age. I’ve done a lot of homework and realize the Episcopalian church is where I probably align most closely. It just feels like a huge undertaking to “join a new religion.” I want to on some level, but I’m also an exhausted, over worked, late 30-year-old mom and I use to just go to Catholic mass because it was easy in my 20s (despite my growing disconnect from it). Now it’s just easier not to go in general. I want my daughter to share some values and sense of community that I do, which I derive from my moderately religious upbringing (CCD, Catholic high school, weekly attendance at Sunday mass), but it just seems like a big undertaking at the same time. Any one else? Maybe going to a service at an Episcopalian church just isn’t as full of pressure as I’m making it out to be.

      1. If you want church to be part of your life just start going when it’s safe. There’s no process to it- pick an Episcopalian church near you, and start going. If you like it, keep going. If there’s a Sunday school program put your daughter in it. It isn’t a big thing that takes a lot of preparation.

      2. Whiskeypalian here. I will say that while my church is noisily woke, it is not always working-mom friendly (it is in a ‘hood where many people are wealthy and many moms don’t work, so while the presby chuch has a day care, our church has a mother’s morning out program and lots of kids things during the day during the week). That sort of thing. But there is no religious pressure — like they are happy if you come and if you are <90 you'd be considered a young new member. Like you could be a committed athiest and say as much and it would still be "are you coming to the newcomers supper? the food is really good." The music is excellent and the preaching is very . . . intellectual? I am not getting the right word. It's what I was raised, but I'm from a very Catholic part of the world and people would get mad / divorced about things and they appear in our church (often just for a while, but whatever). We were OK with extended visotors.

      3. Do they have zoom services? That seems pretty low stakes.

      4. I relate to your second paragraph. I was raised Evangelical (before the craziness, although I can see how the seeds were planted) and married to a raised Catholic. We’re both spiritual and miss the community and tradition of a church – the ties to multiple generations, the focus on working to improve the world, the idea of singing and reading the same things our grandparents and their grandparents did. However. We cannot raise our kids in any faith that tells them they (or their friends) are “less than.” Full stop.

         We tried to attend an Episcopalian church. It was great on the surface – a huge emphasis on charity, a lot of traditions that echoed our own upbringing, and a focus on inclusion and love. But it asked so much of us as a young family. We were constantly asked to lead Sunday School, to become deacons, to attend bible studies, to sing in the choir, to help fund a charity event. It felt overwhelming, and even though we said yes more than we wanted, it was hard to still say no constantly. So we switched to another Episcopalian and sure enough, a few months in, we had a similar experience.

         Churches are struggling everywhere, and young families are seen as the lifeblood that will continue the church. But young families are stretched so thin, and it’s hard to be pressured to devote that much effort to something that we’re honestly still lukewarm about. (Again, we’re spiritual, but burned by our childhood religions.) Maybe some young families will want the community more than they mind the effort, but I don’t see how that leads to anything different from the bitter elders of today.

         1. I feel like that is a universal truth about organizations which rely on volunteers. Whether it’s your sports club, your professional society, or your labor union. Once somebody shows interest, they are roped into all kinds of activities. I’ve been on both sides of this problem and I don’t have a solution

         2. I wonder if it depends on the size of the congregation. My Catholic dad only attended church with us on occasion (holidays), but my mom only volunteered once or twice a year (as an usher) at our Episcopal church. My mom purposely moved us to a larger congregation because there were more volunteers and thus less pressure to volunteer than at our old church.

            Agree about orgs that rely on volunteers though. I’m a former rower abc wanted to join a boat house but the volunteer requirement was too much.

         3. This could describe a bunch of Reform Jewish synagogues as well. But so what you’ll be asked to volunteer? If you can’t, say no thanks and move on. What’s with all the guilt?

         4. Unfortunately, I think with almost any volunteer organization, you just have to keep saying no over and over again if you don’t want to do stuff. I wouldn’t feel guilty – they don’t feel guilty asking! And as a volunteer leader, sometimes it is SO HARD to find people who 1) are willing to volunteer and 2) have even the most basic people skills so as not to drive other people out of the org (hello, Girl Scouts!). I think a lot of volunteer-led organizations have to be more efficient and more ruthless about non-core activities if they want to keep people coming back. I don’t want to join an org where all I do is volunteer.

            FWIW, most of the conflicts I’ve had at my Episcopal church have been over Sunday School and related kid stuff. The (paid) Sunday School director who gave me a lot of trouble about working outside the home, being asked to teach Sunday School classes for years and years and years (infinitely expanding time commitment), the ushers who were so cold and dismissive about children, etc. But I’ve been there for 17 years, and I haven’t felt like the good outweighs the bad.

      5. Right now this is 100% easy. Just “attend” a virtual service and see if you like it. Also, check out the website. A church with an LGBT ministry (for example) is likely to be pretty liberal. We do not have a requirement that you be a confirmed Episcopalian to attend services, receive communion, or participate fully.

         If you are in a larger city with multiple Episcopal churches, be aware that many dioceses are starting to allow more variation in worship. My congregation has 3 services every weekend and only one is the traditional Book of Common Prayer service (Rite II for those interested), and even that is not our “main” service. But we are actively marketing to newcomers and young families and have a rector who likes to experiment. Some churches are more traditional. Give some thought to how much liturgy matters to you.

         And agreed with the other poster who said it does not need to be a big undertaking – although I know it is more so with kids. And basically every congregation has a welcoming program for newcomers.

         Finally, I want to push back a bit on posters who are saying that Christianity is necessarily anti-LGBT. A lot of mainline denominations are actively welcoming to gay people, celebrate marriage equality, and have gay clergy. We used to have an associate rector (who since moved to another church) who was a married gay man – and he, his husband and their children were happily embraced.

      6. Right now is a great time to find one because so many churches have zoom services! I know my church has people tuning in who have never attended in person and are welcome! I’m involved in a small group in my Episcopalian church that has also been meeting remotely, and we’ve been happy to welcome new comers even in the face to face type events.

         I will say that even as a cradle Episcopalian, finding the right church after moving required some work. One seemed a little cold, one was toooo touchy feely for me, and one very very old school. I tried the cold one again, connected with a friendly person, and that was that. So if the vibe isn’t right for you, maybe try somewhere else or just again in case it’s an off Sunday.

         If you want to do it fast and dirty I’d recognize this: 1) google nearby churches and pick one that has programming you need, like an active group for kids and teens; 2) listen to a few sermons to see if it’s valuable to you and communicating the messages you think you and your daughter need. A lot of churches also excerpt the sermons and put them online as a stand-alone. You could probably get through 4 in an hour. Consider listening to different seasons, as the message in Lent might differ from Epiphany. 3) go in person. My church has been offering outdoor services and I’ve really appreciated that as a safer option.

   6. Practicing Catholic here, and yes. I’m not exactly surprised, but I don’t see why the statement was necessary. It seemed so pointed, and not in line with the tone Francis has set. I wonder if it originated with him or with someone else.

      1. My sense is that Francis has jumped out quite a bit in front of the rest of . . . Vatican management and his church in general. While North America and Western Europe may be cheering him on, a good chunk of his flock is very much not of that opinion and adheres to what the doctrine actually is (which is not surprising to me). I think that also, we know that doctrine is doctrine and not to expect doctrine to be discarded or overlooked when asked officially.

   7. Why are you allowing an institution that is so harmful to continue to be the chokepoint of your access to community? Leave, find the bigger gate (they are lying about there not being one and I think you know that), and I think you will find yourself among a bigger (and kinder) flock. And there are equally thrilling, less anachronistic series about Zombies you can read if that is the draw.

      1. I wouldn’t make fun of Allah to someone of Muslim belief any more than I would call Jesus a zombie in reference to the Catholics. Kindness indeed.

         1. I don’t consider it unkind to discourage belief in harmful myths.

         2. Thank you!

         3. Agree its not kind, but I for one never agreed to respect everything people choose to believe. If Catholics had their way there would be no marriage equality or right to abortion. If they don’t respect my own bodily autonomy why should I respect their made-up fairytales? I’ve resigned myself to let old people die in peace with their beliefs unchallenged but it really blows my mind that young people, especially women, still buy into religion.

            1. Co-sign.

   8. Not Catholic but I’m curious — for all the people saying they left the church because they don’t agree with the stance on certain issues — do you believe in after life/fear punishment for not doing what was required (or even trying to do it) in the religion you were born/baptized into? Like I assume certain things are required like sacraments so if you just say you’re not Catholic, you’re not doing them but technically you are still “on the rolls” as Catholic if you were baptized as such unless you did something to get yourself off those rolls/converted to another faith. I’m just curious how it works/how people feel about it — coming from a faith which is all about you must do x or you’ll be punished.

      1. I’m not worried. I’m agnostic: I don’t know if there’s a higher power, I don’t think it’s possible to know that, and either way I’m not smart enough to figure it out. I have plenty of things to worry about in the here and now.
         I try not to be a jerk. I try to be kind and generous to others. I hope that when I’m gone the people who knew me will think of me fondly. If there is an afterlife, and that’s not enough, so be it. I’ll have plenty of company in my eternal torment, I suppose.

         1. This exactly. Being Catholic was my parents choice, not mine.

            1. +1. Was religious as a kid (and anti gay marriage) but then grew up and had internet access.

      2. Jesus wasn’t Catholic so I don’t have to be either.

         1. I like your attitude.

      3. After the Catholic Church actively hid/covered for priests who were known serial pedophiles I really don’t give a flying fig if they think I’m going to my eternal damnation for not being a practicing member. So, long story short, no.
         I would say currently nontheistic Quaker beliefs most closely align with what I currently believe and try to follow.

      4. No I’m not afraid of a fairytale. My body will go to science and the rest will decompose.

         1. Same. Religion is abject nonsense and I feel sorry for those who live in fear because of this awful mental illness.

      5. I haven’t left (and I don’t feel like getting into why), but my 2 cents on the matter – I know far too many good, decent people of other faiths (or of no faith at all) to really believe that Catholicism (or any one faith) is the only way to worship God and/or achieve salvation. I may be fooling myself. But were I to leave Catholicism, I would think of it as finding another way to worship the same God I’ve been worshipping this whole time.

         FWIW, I don’t think Catholicism is all about “do X or you’ll be punished” – more like “God wants you to be like X, here are the ways you can try to be better” – but I’ll grant you that many people do have that experience. I personally think that is a failing of their teachers/clergy/parents.

         1. I feel this way too; I don’t want everyone to become Catholic! It just feels sort of forced (to me) to switch religions (at this time).

            1. Wow. Just wow. This is a really disgusting sentiment.

            2. Why don’t you go cry to your sky daddy about it

      6. So I haven’t left the Church, but as a weddings/funerals, etc. level Catholic, I can’t imagine feeling this way either. My family has been Catholic for generations, and I feel that not getting bullied by the powers that be in the Church is part of my Catholic heritage? The beliefs that make someone Catholic (i.e., that are actually required) is so, so many fewer beliefs than what gets pushed on people. There have been a lot of power grabs from on high, but there has always been resistance to them. For example, priests in parts of the west that were historically eastern rite were still marrying because who is going to stop them just a generation ago (including people in my community). To me it seems obvious that it was the power grab that was wrong, not the tradition that local priests upheld. There will always be people who follow the power players in the hierarchy and declare ordinary Catholics “bad Catholics,” but Catholics were around before them and will be around afterward.

      7. Why would one believe they’d be punished in the afterlife for “dropping out” of a religion? This question doesn’t make any sense to me.

   9. Poor Francis put a cute face on a horrible institution, but the horrible institution is still horrible. Big shock.

      I’m sure they’re still blessing the priests who rape little kids though.

      1. (Pope not poor)

   10. It’s very disappointing. Mostly because it seems so unnecessary. Why now? What’s the point of the statement?

       In general, I try and keep mildly optimistic. Religious institutions seem to keep on being shitty, but they do change. Very, very slowly, but they do change. The church has no power of my life, but I think even slow change will make a difference for people with less agency in terms of church power.

       For this particular one, I’m hoping this is a sign that there is very real pressure to the Vatican, and that this is sort of a last twitch of a dying (shitty) cause. I hope Francis will hang in there, and keep being contrary.

       I’m truly scared about all the non-Vatican-initiated setbacks, though, like Poland.

2. This blazer from J.Crew would look great on Zoom calls b/c people would not see how short it is, but it is very striking and also works with the colorful buttons when you go out to the park with jeans now that it is getting nicer out. Right now, it is still to cold to go out without a wool coat or a parka from Pantagonia or Canada Goose and warm boots, but pretty soon, we will all get Vaccine and be able to go out again.

   I do think it is VERY important for the hive to be careful with COVID b/c a person can be asymptomatic and still carry the virus, and unless you are vaccinated for 2 weeks, you can catch and spread it to others. My parents and grandparents are now vaccinated so that is good news, but they are still staying in or getting masked up when they go out.

   The manageing partner promised us a July 4 barbeque at his house in the Hamtons, but it will be outside, no swimming (thank G-d), and masks except when we are eating. I am very glad I will not have to wear a bikini b/c I have a muffin-top from Covid ==I can’t fit into any of my bikini’s and suspect that the men will also look just as sloppy, tho they have always gotten away with looking sloppy while they critize us when our tuchuses get to big.

   I am about to file 3 new brief’s for court and expect to have pretrial conferences on all of them this Friday.

3. Because I can’t brag in real life:

   I’m a mid-junior level academic faculty member. For promotion to a level 2 above my current level, I will need to be invited to give a number of international talks to demonstrate an “international reputation.” I have been doubting that would ever happen, or that it would happen in the next 5 years. Things are easier now with virtual talks due to covid, and I recently was invited to give my first international talk a few months from now- hooray! Then yesterday, I was invited to give a separate international talk – the same day as the first! Thanks to virtual talks, I think I can do both. Big confidence boost for me!

   1. Congratulations! The timing issue being resolved by a pandemic is highly ironic.

   2. Woo hoo! Nice work!

   3. congrats! love hearing covid positive stories

   4. Congratulations! From the organiser end of things, I coordinate a series of business conferences. Last year one of our board members – a very senior man – said ‘XX would be a great speaker but she might be going on maternity leave soon’. I said to him, don’t write her off – in a pandemic, she doesn’t have to travel, she can pre-record her remarks, and she might be feeling up to it before or after her leave, so why don’t we ask her? He got it right away.

      1. Thanks for doing this!

   5. Congrats! Very exciting.

   6. Congratulations from a fellow academic! While I miss in-person meetings, I hope some of the virtual meetings stay because it does open up opportunities in a variety of ways. Celebrate all your progress toward your promotion!

      1. Yes, definitely! I miss conferences but I don’t miss getting on a plane/train for a one day meeting.

      2. Same! There were so many more interesting talks and posters last year when my main conference was virtual because people could upload them early and not have to worry about getting themselves to the conference.

         I hope there’s a virtual component to meetings going forward, although I do miss the Terrible Coffee/Tea Break With Optional Sad Pastries chats.

      3. heh, I just got my first shot in the local convention center, and just the weird carpet brought back all those times with weak coffee. Do not miss that. I miss the socializing though.

   7. Such great news! Congratulations and good luck!

   8. Hooray! You got this!!

4. For those of you who are Feds in the DMV, is it easy to get into one of the affiliated daycares? What do prices run for toddlers? I currently have two in daycare, and I’m trying to figure out if I should even consider pursuing a federal opportunity.

   1. Department of Motor Vehicles? Delaware-Maryland-Virginia?

      1. DC-Maryland-Virginia. This is a very common way to refer to the area.

         1. Yep and Feds is a good context clue…

      2. Hahah I read Department of Motor Vehicles too and didn’t even know there was a second abbreviation. Was thinking it was really weird I didn’t know that the DMV had specifically affiliated daycares.

   2. Depends on the agency. A friend was on the waiting list for Diplotots (not sure if it was I or II) at State for more than a year, and her husband works there. Others like HUD are easier to get in to. We opted not to do my agency daycare and keep the kids close to home because of greater flexibility, including ease when I telework. In NoVA we spend about $1400 per kid (2 and 4), it would be at least $200 more per kid in DC at an agency daycare.

      1. +1 Diplotots is one of the harder ones to get into, Interior is easier because it’s in the middle of nowhere. They are run by different groups (some are Bright Horizons, or YMCA, or a stand-alone nonprofit), and nothing is centralized. A year into covid I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re easier to get into. I think their prices are low for DC, and in the middle for close-in suburbs. The logistics of a downtown daycare can be hard (esp. with COVID).

      2. Our toddler just started at Department of Labor, which we are loving and which runs about $1700/month. We’re both federal employees but not DOL specifically; I don’t recall whether we get a break for that. We toured places and signed up for waitlists in my early pregnancy. My sense is that the COVID restrictions on capacity have turned everything upside down in terms of handicapping the waitlists — some folks jumped ship due to pressing needs and tough timing. We had begun paying for a spot that we weren’t using at my husband’s federal agency, but then got bumped back to the waitlist there when DC tightened capacity.

         FWIW, I will say that we toured three locations of a big private daycare and probably seven agency-affiliated daycares and ended up preferring the government ones far and away. There’s also a daycare two blocks from our house that would be much more convenient commute-wise (especially given telework) that suggested they may have a spot soon, but that convenience notwithstanding, we’re inclined to keep her at DOL. We have been so impressed with and thankful for the folks there, and I appreciate the additional layers of oversight built in — parent board, etc. And I think most of the federal places provide breakfast, lunch, and snack, which is also a major convenience.

         1. I scrolled too fast and saw “Our toddler just started at Department of Labor” without context, and LOLed.

   3. Also interested- especially.any in Penn quarter area!

5. Best everyday underwear? In the before times, I wore silky no-show thongs under work wear (business formal) and cotton briefs for lounging around the house. Now that I’m wearing jeans and leggings on the reg, thongs seem pretty silly butI’d like to feel a smidge more attractive than Hanes permits!

   1. I really like the “bonded edge” or “laser cut” type of underwear. No VPL and feels lightweight. I used to be able to get it in the good old multipacks but now I get them individually at Target.

   2. I like cotton underwear from Aerie. The lace edge cheeky bikini styles are comfortable and affordable yet kind of cute (in my middle aged opinion).

   3. I like the Warner’s “no muffin top” line for everyday wear. I have hipsters and some higher-rise cuts to wear with leggings.

   4. Soma’s Vanishing Edge line is awesome.

      1. 2nd this recommendation. I also love Gossamer’s mesh panties. They are spendy but worth it. So pretty and so comfortable.

      2. 3rd. no vpl and actually comforable! Several different cuts depending on your preference.

      3. Yep. Love it!

   5. I like Aerie boybriefs but they only have ribbed fabric ones lately and I don’t like the texture. Old Navy has cotton bikinis that are an almost perfect duplicate of the Victoria’s Secret ones I used to wear and I think those are what I will switch to if Aerie doesn’t bring back smooth versions of the boybrief.

   6. Bought a pack of Innersy hipsters early in the lockdown, and immediately got a second pack. Have hardly worn anything else since. Extremely comfortable, no-show, and nice colors. https://www.amazon.com/stores/Innersy/page/1C016370-C5B2-4163-A334-7C6863D21A65?ref_=ast_bln

   7. Aerie

   8. I think t h o n g s are more comfortable than anything else. Victoria’s Secret stretch lace thongs are my favorite for everyday. Athleta thongs for working out.

   9. I’m a big fan of the cotton bikini briefs from Victoria’s Secret, and when I wanna feel a little more feminine, I opt for the lace waist bikini, or something with a floral print.

      I’m also getting really into the stuff from MeUndies, mostly for the fun prints but they’ve also been rolling out some lace waist styles as well.

   10. I like the one size fits all underwear from Chantelle. No lines at all yet full coverage. I used to wear Soma vanishing edge but those grippies started bothering me.

6. Has anyone dealt with low iron and low-normal RBCs etc? I started iron supplements and two months later nothing has changed. I took with orange juice and avoided taking after coffee / dairy as suggested. I don’t want to waste a lot of time tinkering with things that don’t work, as I’ve probably had this problem for years but felt like my symptoms have been dismissed (cold, tired). I’m also an endurance athlete so it’s important for me for my optimal training. I have a follow up appointment with my family doctor but wondering if I should ask for a referral somewhere more specialized in this?

   1. Supplements are hard to absorb, right? Do you have dietary restrictions or could you just eat some liver /liver pate every now and then?

      1. No dietary restrictions- I actually like all of the foods that have iron in them so I’m a bit stumped but wondering because I also love dairy products (calcium, and protein, great for snacks) maybe I’m messing things up. I have found some dairy alternatives like macadamia nut milk that are tasty maybe I’ll start subbing those in.

         1. Macadamia milk is still fortified with calcium, right? So you would want to still want to avoid it a few hours before/after taking iron.

   2. It may be the type of iron you’re taking – not all is absorbed well and you may need to take a higher dose. If you want another option, you can maybe try a liquid iron like Floradix at home. A GP can give you an iron prescription, though. If you have heavy periods it’s also possible that is affecting your blood count, so if you were testing after your cycle that also matters.

   3. Do you give blood? I am a pretty regular donor and have found my hemoglobin does not rebound as quickly as the blood bank thinks it should. I take supplements but they don’t seem to help a lot, and can really only donate about once every 6 months. Your cycles can also affect this – are they particularly heavy?

   4. Keep working with your doctor on this. After identifying and correcting the root cause of my blood issues (tumor removal), my doctor queued me up for a pair of iron infusions that finally brought my iron levels up after 5+ years of messing with iron pills.

      1. Agree. You need to figure out the root cause if possible. One friend’s low iron turned out to be Celiac disease, because Celiac damages your small intestine where you absorb iron. She didn’t have any of the other typical gastro-intestinal Celiac symptoms. Once she stopped eating gluten, her iron levels rebounded to normal. Other causes I’ve heard from others included heaving monthly bleeding and being vegetarian. There are obviously others.

      2. Agree to keep digging. There is also something called anemia of chronic disease which my spouse has. It’s a side effect of his autoimmune disease – he just requires more iron for some reason and he has to supplement. You might have some thing undiagnosed going on that’s subclinical at the moment.

      3. Agreed – you need to find the root cause for the anemia. In my case, it was bleeding esophageal ulcers.

   5. I had chronic anemia and tried everything, including multiple infusions. The only thing that ever worked was supplementing with dessicated beef spleen pills. Spleen is very high in iron and because my body thought it was food I was able to actually absorb it.

   6. Iron infusions can be amazing in this situation and are covered by insurance pretty well. My PCP ordered them. I went 5 times for 2-3 hours each time and got my iron levels up nicely!

   7. What are you taking? What brand/type of iron/dose?

      This issue is extremely common in women, and you just started treatment. Wouldn’t ask for a specialist already. You may just need to increase to twice a day or use a different type of iron. Agree that if you are not absorbing iron after taking a higher dose of a doctor recommended specific type of iron you should investigate more possibilities about why not absorbing and may need a few more blood tests. IV iron is not a typical ongoing treatment for basic iron deficient anemia.

      But many of us younger women just live with low iron/slightly low hematocrit. Remember, the “normal” ranges for blood testing labs are for all men/women of all ages, which is crazy.

   8. Beetroot juice is an excellent source of iron that’s not a supplement, if you’d like to try a different way to get your extra iron. I can’t stand the taste of it, so prefer other sources, but my mother used to swear by beetroot juice. You do need the additional vitamin C as well (which is what the orange juice is for, C is essential to make use of the iron), so keep the orange juice or similar as well.

      Oh, and be warned that beetroot may make your pee pink. :)

7. I posted a little while ago for honeymoon recommendations for this June – thanks to all who responded. Talk to me about Acadia National Park. Is a week-ish a good amount of time to spend there, or should we spend a few nights somewhere else along the way (we could drive up from Philly)? Should we stay in Bar Harbor or get a house somewhere else? It looks like Clefstone and Balance Rock both have availability, has anyone stayed at either hotel? Any recommendations for fancy restaurants, wineries/breweries/distilleries, or other fun things to do? FH and I will both be fully vaccinated by June so we’ll feel comfortable doing whatever is allowed by local rules. Thanks, all!

   1. A week is kind of a long time to spend in Bar Harbor, unless you’re really into hiking. If you’re driving up from Philly, I’d recommend spending a little more time driving up and doing at least one stop along the way … Ogunquit, Kennebunkport, Camden … so many beautiful little towns along Route 1.

   2. Very excited to hear this!!

      So a week is a long time in Bar Harbor – I would say that 3 days (maybe 4) is more than enough.

      What I would do personally (assuming that you’re looking at about 8-9 days including travel time on the weekends around) is:

      Drive through New England, making stops if you want or taking the highway if you don’t, and stay in Portsmouth, NH (a cool small city with nice restaurants and a really good breakfast place called The Friendly Toast). Spend a day strolling around a hanging out then midday the next day, drive the hour or so up to Portland, Maine. Portland is a great foodie town – depending on what you’d like, there are lots of options there. I’d probably spend 1-2 nights in Portland (I recommend The Chadwick Bed and Breakfast) enjoying all the food and then get in the car and drive up to Camden/Rockland/Belfast/Rockport/Boothbay Harbor. Stay in any one of those towns for a night and just walk around and explore and eat at Home Kitchen Cafe (again, really good breakfast place). If you want to, a fun day trip is to take the ferry out to Vinalhaven.

      From there, you’re going to drive up to Bar Harbor, making a stop to Hike Blue Hill (the hill in Blueberries for Sal). In Bar Harbor, IDK your style but friends stayed in a yurt and I really think that sounds fun. There’s a little winery there that has mediocre wine but a nice setting. Do the Jordan’s Teahouse thing for popovers. Acadia is a whole thing that’s nice on its own – I would rent or bring bikes and just chill out and not have an agenda. Want to hike? Sure. There are lots of not ridiculous hikes. Want to chill out and drink coffee? Don’t put pressure on yourselves.

      Highly recommend a little detour to Bagaduce lunch for lobster rolls in a GORGEOUS setting. Also, anything you get from the Bakehouse in Castine is going to be DELICIOUS (especially the fishcakes!)

      1. This sounds awesome – I want to take this trip!

         1. Ditto! Taking lots of notes over here. Thanks, Clementine!

      2. This is amazing! Thanks!

      3. Long Grain in Camden
         Tinder Hearth in Brooksville (legit the best pizza I have EVER had)
         Reel Pizza in Bar Harbor
         Havana in Bar Harbor (fancy)
         Mt Desert Ice Cream and Ben and Bill’s in Bar Harbor

      4. Thank you for this! We’re thinking about going to Acadia later this year and I was going to ask once we got closer, but now I’ll just save this thread.

      5. I used to spend summers in Blue Hill playing chamber music, and we always made at least one excursion to Acadia to watch the sunrise. There are several recommended sites. We would bring a little “picnic” breakfast. And I admit, sometimes we had been up all night and took a nap up there after we watched….

   3. I have a whole big comment with an agenda on this – I lived near Bar Harbor for a while and have some suggestions.

      (Note: apparently I only remember where we eat breakfast? I can remember like one dinner place, but ALL the breakfast places.)

   4. What is your travel style? New England lends itself well to those who don’t mind moving house every day or two… but we do a lot better with “hub and spoke” style travel – picking a well-connected “home base” town and then day-tripping from there.

      1. I think for this trip we’ll want to stay in fewer places, maybe 2-3. I imagine I’ll be burned out from wedding stuff. We’ve definitely done trips where we move almost every night, though, so we can save some recommendations for another trip!

         1. FWIW DH and I spent our whole honeymoon on Acadia and it was AMAZING. We like hiking though! :)

   5. I spent a summer in Bar Harbor when I was in college doing a lab internship at biological research center up there. It was best summer ever and it’s so nice to hear people recommending the same places that I went to 20+ years ago! Other activities that I don’t think were mentioned are whale watching, taking a sunset sail, kayaking, possibly white water rafting within driving distance, taking ferries to nearby smaller islands.

      1. I was an intern at a bio research lab there in high school. We took 3 hour “lunch breaks” that consisted of swimming, sunning ourselves on the dock and sailing boats that some of the college students had “borrowed” from the Yale sailing team and brought with them to Maine. It was an A+++ summer.

   6. I have family in the area and spend a week or two there every summer. I also got married at the Bar Harbor Inn. I don’t think a week is too long for a first visit to Acadia but it probably does depend on how much time you want to spend doing outdoorsy stuff. If you enjoy hiking, biking and swimming it won’t be hard to fill a week in the park. If you’re driving from Philly I would agree on a couples days in Portland since you like food and wine. Portland has a much better restaurant scene than the Acadia area. I love Mount Desert Island but the restaurants there are mostly touristy places with overpriced, mediocre food. In Portland my food faves are Otto, Street & Co, Holy Donut, Gelato Fiasco. Near Acadia, I like Jordan Pondhouse for the popover experience but the food there is only ok imo. Asticou Inn also has popovers (same recipe), a beautiful outdoor verandah and slightly better food. Jordan’s in Bar Harbor for blueberry pancakes, Ben & Bill’s for ice cream, Rosie’s Pizza, West St. Cafe, Terrace Grill at Bar Harbor Inn (pricey, but decent food – esp. lobster bisque – and great ambiance). My favorite trail in Acadia is the Penobscot Mountain Trail. It is a nice interesting hike that ends in a beautiful mountain lake with crystal clear water that’s perfect for a refreshing dip. Enjoy! It’s my favorite place in the whole world and I’ve been to 6 continents. :)

8. Has any had (or had a kid) with an overbite (top jaw protrudes compared to lower jaw) where the recommendation was to either pull permanent top teeth to push the remaining top teeth back a bit to balance out proportions and match up the bite better (or, which sounds more drastic, to jaw surgery on the lower jaw to do what sound like expanding it out)?

   It seemed dramatic either way when our orthodontist recommended it (doing nothing would be making the teeth look pretty and pushing back as far as possible for aesthetics), but our dentist (who I love and went to myself for decades before taking my kids there) confirmed that that was what they did currently now. I had horrible headgear I had to wear for the same thing which gave me horrible TMJ for a years, day and night, so am relieved that my kids won’t go through that, but this just seems to be a lot for me to process (which is unusual for me — usually I am not one to be all OMG this would be so traumatic and is it totally needed and is the overbite really that bad).

   Family members haven’t had this personally or with their kids and we don’t really see peers/parents b/c schools are STILL CLOSED (grrrrrr).

   1. I was supposed to have this as my teeth don’t line up. My parents never went through with the surgery since it was expensive and I wasn’t the favourite child. As an adult it is so annoying to eat because my teeth don’t line up properly it makes biting food incredibly challenging and messy. I’d love to get it fixed but as an adult professional it’s challenging to try and schedule a convenient time to have your mouth wired shut.

      1. FYI jaw surgery these days doesn’t always mean getting your mouth wired shut. It probably depends on the surgery, but they have newer methods these days than they did 20 years ago. That said, it’s still at least a week or two of down time/painkillers (depends what you’re getting done) that you’d probably have to miss work for. But if it’s going to cause you to lose teeth in the future due to breaking/misalignment, it’s worth getting an opinion from a maxillofacial surgeon about your options.

         1. I have already consulted a surgeon and even with new techniques my particular case does require being wired shut

   2. so i can’t comment on this exact issue, but as a kid, i had 4 adult teeth removed and lots of orthodontia to follow because my jaw is not large enough to accommodate all my teeth. if i recall correctly, i had two top teeth removed and two on the bottom towards the back of my mouth. this was a while ago now. if i recall correctly, having the adult teeth removed was painful (i had also had 8 baby teeth removed and having the adult teeth pulled was more painful for obvious reasons), but i survived. i recall my next door neighbor growing up who was around the same age as me had jaw surgery at one point. i believe the recovery was more involved than just having teeth removed. is there one procedure the orthodontist recommends over another? could you get a second opinion?

   3. Huh, so I also had a terrible overbite and had headgear for years as a kid. Coincidentally, I also had large teeth and a small jaw, so I had to have some permanent teeth removed for everything to fit. This was unconnected to the overbite as far as I know, but having the permanent teeth removed wasn’t a particularly big deal. I’m not sure how old I was, but not very – maybe 8 or 9? I got my teeth early and had an orthodontist in kindergarten due to my panoply of issues. All that to say, one surgery sounds much easier than years of headgear to me. It was done at an oral surgeon’s office under general anesthesia, and I don’t remember the recovery being hard.

      1. They’ve stopped removing permanent teeth (not 100% but it’s discouraged now) because they find that as people who have had them removed age, their mouth tends to look sunken in. So I have that to look forward to. I had four removed, headgear, braces twice etc and I still have a gap between my front teeth

   4. This was me as a kid! I got braces in the late 90s @ age 12/13. The ortho told me to fix my overbite they could either pull my top canines to make room and then give me braces for 18 months and I may or may not need my wisdom teeth out, or I could wear headgear at night for 12 months followed by 18 months of braces and my wisdom teeth would definitely need to come out.

      I chose to get my teeth pulled in a hot second. Was not even a discussion. Here I am at age 37 with my wisdom teeth still in and no overbite.

   5. For a treatment recommendation this drastic, I’d get a second opinion and maybe a third. FWIW, my daughter and I both had overbites and in both cases the treatment was an appliance to lengthen the lower jaw, not surgery.

      1. OP here: definitely. We have some other family issues where we pre-emptively have a relationship with an oral surgeon (I had a baby tooth remain into adulthood where I would need to get an implant and a crown if the tooth ever got hit or fell out; the kids will have that too, but on the lower jaw, where we don’t need to pull teeth). IDK if my oral surgeon would be who they send us to or another one, but it’s well-trod ground for us.

         [This is a hangover from working for a public defender for a summer, where so many people had lost teeth that I think it makes me reluctant to pull a functional adult tooth. So many dentures for young people. If I won the lottery, I legit might go to dental school and just run a free clinic because I didn’t realize the huge unmet need until I saw it every damn day at work at a non-dental legal job.]

         1. Dental care access is a huge issue, esp. in rural areas. I’m from the edge of Appalachia and went to school further in – there was an annual free dental clinic at the fairgrounds and people would camp out for a couple days to get in. It’s boggling how dental and vision are still separated from general health insurance.

         2. I didn’t have an overbite, but I have a small jaw. My childhood orthodontist was into conserving teeth, so I didn’t have any removed. Unfortunately my teeth (mostly bottom, but somewhat on the top) are crowded and reverted significantly to their crooked positions no matter how much I wore my retainers. Others in similar situations who had teeth removed didn’t have this problem. I don’t think removing teeth for othodonture is going to make a healthy child, with full access to dental care, more likely to need dentures in the future.

   6. I have a small jaw and had to have 4 permanent teeth pulled as a teenager. This was done at the dentist’s office – not under general anesthesia. I would definitely recommend going to an oral surgeon because I remember the experience being painful (not sure if there was actual pain in retrospect and instead just a lot of discomfort). Post braces which I wore for about 2 years in high school, I have not had problems though.

   7. I had the opposite problem (underbite) and had jaw surgery as a teen – they broke my upper jaw and moved it forward a bit. While it wasn’t fun to recover (extremely soft foods for several weeks – think PB on wonder bread at the most! – and although the majority of the swelling went down in a few weeks, looking back it took about 6 months for all of the swelling to totally disappear), my whole face looked SO much better and proportionate afterward.

      I had always looked a bit petulant because – relatively speaking – it looked like I was kind of pouting or jutting my jaw out until the upper jaw matched up better. I imagine for lower jaw surgery, just aesthetically speaking, that your kid might end up preferring the stronger profile of a more prominent vs receding chin?

      Totally worth it and glad I have my teeth!

      1. My brother also had a huge underbite and a big old Jay Leno jaw, and also had jaw surgery as a late teen. They did the opposite though – reduced his lower jaw, and shaved it back so it matched with his upper jaw – but same result, his face looks much more proportionate than before the surgery. Recovery seemed pretty miserable, his jaw was wired shut so he was on a liquid diet for most of the Summer of the Immersion Blender (many culinary experiments, some successful, some not so much). But afterward it was no longer uncomfortable for him to chew because his teeth actually line up, and he’s glad he did it and got it over with because while recovery sucked, it was a net quality of life improvement.

   8. I had a small jaw and had several teeth pulled out and braces. I had an overbite and still have one, and I flat out refused to have that surgery as a teenager. The overbite honestly does not bother me at all. I still wear my retainer fairly regularly (mid 20s) and did not have to take my wisdom teeth out (I didn’t even really notice them growing in tbh).

   9. Those were possible recommendations on the table for me as a kid, but I ended up with a retainer-like device that I wore most of the time during the day for around a year and then at night for a while longer that pulled my lower jaw forward. That did the trick, but I think the alternatives would have been reconsidered if it hadn’t. I had trouble speaking clearly with it in, but I adjusted. I wonder if there is a less invasive option that could be tried first?

   10. I had an orthodontist recommend that I have the two bottom canine teeth removed to make room on my lower jaw. This was when I was 15 and just getting to see an orthodontist for the first time. Parents vetoed it on the basis that it sounded unnecessary.

       Fast forward about two decades and yup, wish I had had those teeth removed. My smile isn’t noticeably bad (top teeth are perfect, knock on wood) but the bottom teeth are getting worse and anything less than full braces on the bottom wouldn’t correct it at this point.

       I understand the hesitation to pull healthy teeth but the thing is – there’s no guarantee all the teeth stay healthy if the lack of alignment results in cavities down the road. I haven’t had that yet, but I do worry about it.

   11. My daughter had an overbite, and the dentist chastised us for waiting so long (she was 15 – her last adult teeth came in surprisingly late). It was substantial, but they used a Carrier device (it uses bands to apply traction to the upper and lower jaw to line them up) for 6 month and it made a drastic improvement – no head gear, certainly no surgery. I would definitely seek a second and third opinion.

       1. My 10 yo niece has a pretty severe overbite from a combo of genetics, tongue thrusting, and thumb sucking. She’s had expanders and now has a Herbst appliance, which shifts the lower jaw forward over time. The process is a commitment, and I’m sure expensive, but less disruptive than surgery. I wish they had this treatment when I was a kid. I had braces on my upper teeth solely to hook up to headgear to correct my overbite. My overbite is back lo these 35 years later, so that was all a waste of time and money.

   12. I think it depends on the specifics. My stepson had surgery because of a substantial overbite, in addition to years of headgear and braces beforehand. The surgery and recovery were not minor, overnight hospital stay, etc. The improvement in his appearance was dramatic and life-altering. Before, he always had a look like his mouth was hanging open, resulting in negative assumptions about his intelligence, his focus, etc. Afterward, those disappeared. I was not part of the decision making process (a girlfriend at the time), but he and his parents all agree that the surgery made a huge positive difference in his life.

9. Sort of piggybacking on a question that was asked yesterday: What are your tips for people who have entered the “sandwich generation” of life? DH and I are 42 and 40, respectively. My parents are not needing a lot, yet, but my MIL (72) does lean on DH for some caregiving due to mobility issues. He’s also financially savvy, which she’s needed help with since FIL passed away a few months ago. (DH is now the de facto property manager for a commercial building that MIL owns.) I love my MIL and don’t begrudge helping her, but I can’t deny that it’s putting some extra strain on us. Our kids are in elementary school. We’ve been trying to get them involved in small ways: like Kid A will visit with DH and vacuum for her; Kid B will play games with MIL while DH works on her taxes. That kind of thing. But sometimes the needs just pop up unexpectedly, and I’m left scrambling to get everything done at our house while DH is at hers.

   I don’t even know what I’m asking here. How to make sure everyone’s needs are met? How to keep gracefully accepting that this is our role in life now, on top of raising kids? How to make sure I don’t start resenting this support role? I do think there are benefits to our kids seeing how to live in a multi-generational way. I just didn’t expect this to start while they were relatively young.

   1. I think the answer is hard conversations with your husband. He goes over to vacuum? Nope. You don’t say she’s financially destitute. So now she needs a house keeper, because your husband leaving your family to vacuum is a terrible use of his time. Taxes- literally a whole profession that does this!! Being a property manager- again. No. Either the property is profitable enough to sustain hiring a property manager or it needs to be sold.

      I’m not saying cut her off tomorrow!! It’s great he’s helping out. But he cannot take on all of these jobs his father did because he has a family that needs him.

      1. +1

         There’s no reason he has to drop everything to vacuum for her! That’s absurd.

      2. Yes this. I think so often, adult children become the “default spouse” who are pressured (sometimes only by themselves) to be everything the parents need. But adult children can’t provide that – they can’t be the daily sounding board, the property manager, the housecleaner, the errand runner, the doctor appt shuttle, etc, all at once, and certainly not when they have responsibilities within their own family as well. Sometimes changes in life circumstances mean standards of living have to change.

         Some long conversations are in order about how much time your family can take away from your own responsibilities to help her, and then what will realistically fit into those hours. He may have an hour every day to manage the property, but that means he won’t have time to do taxes or vacuum the house. Or you all may have a morning each weekend to help with house items, but that means you can’t run errands during the week. And you may have to revisit this often as the kids get older and more involved in activities.

         I know in the past, all of this caregiving fell on women, and it’s hard to say no to a parent. But in a world where two incomes are the norm and the double shift (now triple shift, in a pandemic) already harms women, it’s not sustainable to force another full-time caregiving burden on already overburdened sandwiched women. (This also applies if husband is spending hours a week at his parents and leaving the wife to run the main household on her own.)

         1. OP here. You articulated exactly what I’m worried about. DH is taking on so much — the default spouse role — and I worry about what that’s going to do to him, and us, over the long term. I can live with it for now, since FIL’s death is still pretty fresh, but I do think some hard conversations are in order about how this will all look once the dust settles. To complicate matters, he is an only child and is putting a LOT of pressure on himself to be helpful and provide all sorts of practical support. I don’t think it’s sustainable, but I don’t know how to make him see that (or rewire years of his internal programming that he has to be everything because he’s an only child).

            1. Oof – I commented elsewhere, but my husband is also an only child of a widow, and it is a unique and challenging position. Including her in your family (e.g., having her over for dinner or babysitting, etc.) may be helpful to address loneliness as he helps her to find other resources for the work/chores.

            2. My husband is also an only child and when his father died, his mom really expected him to fill that role for her. It was a struggle at first. We also had demanding jobs and small children. What we decided was we would go over to her house one day a week (usually for dinner.) She can make a list of things she needs done during that time and we will help her do them. My husband will occasionally make time a couple times a year to do larger jobs at her house, but she has also realized she has to hire some things out now. When she could no longer keep up with the upkeep required to have a nice grass lawn (we live in the desert…it is a lot of work to get grass to grow), she had it re-landscaped with a patio and rocks. It took some growing pains to get here. I know it was hard for my husband because he wanted to be there for her, but she would literally call him every time something needed to be done and expected him to drop whatever he was doing at home and go over there, even multiple times a day. We have now been doing the once a week thing for years now and it works well. As she gets older we may have to re-evaluate. She is 75 now.

            3. Even if you don’t feel like you can advocate for your needs at this point, I think it’s appropriate for you to advocate for your children—their father is taking on a ton of extra work, and that means he’s not as available to them and when he’s physically present, he’s probably more stressed.

               In my own family, it really hasn’t worked out well for the kids whose parents have done something like this for an extended period of time. To a certain extent, it’s zero-sum: time helping MIL is time away from his kids. The things he does for MIL should feel worth being away from his kids. That probably means quality time, overseeing things she doesn’t have cognitive capacity to handle, and small things that can be done during quality time, like changing a lightbulb.

               A couple of obvious spots to cut:
               -either your MIL’s investment property is profitable enough to engage a property management service or she can sell the property and buy something that doesn’t take so much work (like securities). If it requires your husband to work for free, it’s not an investment that makes sense for her.
               -cleaning: there are many good cleaning services. It makes no sense to have your husband take time away from his kids for regular cleaning of his mom’s house.

         2. I have one friend who is navigating this and her default is she goes to her mom’s house every Saturday morning from 8-1, and her mom can decide how to spend that time. Pre-pandemic, she would take her mom for haircuts (mom doesn’t drive) or to the grocery store. Other times, she’ll change ceiling light bulbs, help cook food, run other errands. Covid actually made some of the errands easier because mom can come in the car to do curbside pickup (my friend orders things after a phone call on Wednesday night). Friend also pays for a biweekly cleaning service so she knows things are being kept up.

            You may need to throw some money at some of these issues too. How much time does the property management take? Is it more of an issue of urgency and not total time? You may want to hire an on-call manager or a handyman who will charge an hourly rate. Is it more than 10 hours a week? You need to hire a part-time property manager.

            1. With the property management, it’s urgency, not total time. The building is small (3 tenants) and is located 45 minutes away. I can’t see there being enough need or work for a full-fledged property manager and wish MIL would just sell the building, but she likes having that income stream.

            2. Re property management: MIL can contract with a company if she wants to keep the building. You don’t need to hire a manager for just the building.

            3. +1 to No Face for sure.

            4. Yeah, I have a single family rental house and I have a property manager because I don’t have time to manage it. It’s definitely worth it with three units.

      3. Ditto this. My MIL was widowed when my DH was in college, so there’s been an extended period of time where he’s been “the man in her life”, but boundaries help. She does not have mobility issues and is very self-sufficient, but also has supports like a cleaning lady, a handy man, etc. Your MIL may be defaulting to him taking on the roles his father filled, and I think that will be very hard.
         My husband tends to resolve the “honey do” type tasks for his mom in a weekend afternoon every few months. Eithre we’ll all go together and have lunch then he does a few hours of “move this/change lightbulb/etc.” or he’ll go alone, or sometimes now that kids are older they’ll go and hang out with grandma. having to do this more often would be a significant strain.

   2. I’m 44 and my husband is 52. His father died last year after a long slow decline during which he lost his vision and could no longer take care of his finances. He was on the other side of the country, and my husband was estranged from his sibling, so my husband ended up trying to deal with everything remotely. We spent thousands of dollars a year for him to travel back and forth to Mississippi, which we really did not want to visit. It’s just really hard. I have yet to take my own advice with my own parents, but to the extent you can, I would try to start having some conversations will MIL and your husband about what the long term plan is and see if you can start outsourcing while she is relatively spry so she gets comfortable with it (if that is an option financially). E.g., can you help her hire a housecleaner or assistant? Would she consider an assisted living? What will you do when her mobility gets worse? Figuring out how to keep her connected to friends other than your family will be key – does she have a church or club or other community around her? If she is already letting your husband deal with her finances you might consider getting him added to her bank accounts and/or setting up a power of attorney. My FIL had his identity stolen (because he never stopped mail being delivered to the house he no longer lived in after he moved to an assisted living under duress), and that was a whole other nightmare.

      As to not feeling resentful – for me it helped that FIL was so far away; my husband was really the one dealing with stuff, and I could see how hard it was for my husband. And my father in law hated being dependent. I just felt sad for everyone. FIL was all my husband had left (MIL died when my husband was in his 20s), and I could not begrudge him wanting to try to take care of him. And I remembered going through this with my father’s parents when I was a teenager. I learned sometimes we spend time with people because they need us, not because we want to.

   3. Following with interest, as I expect my husband and I will be in your position within the next decade.

      I will say that outside of the pandemic, multigenerational socializing is one of my favorite parts about how my extended family operates. So, for example, someone will pick up an elderly relative like your MIL on a Saturday morning and the relative will just be a part of family life at the house that day. The family goes about its business like normal. MIL would eat meals with everyone, play with the kids, nap in an extra bedroom, etc. Maybe MIL watches in a movie in the living room while DH takes the kids to the park and you read a book in your room. Someone takes MIL back home at the end of the day. Really good for the elderly relative’s mental health and well-being, and the kids get to organically learn things about the past.

      Also, paying someone to come to the elderly relative’s house for a couple of hours a few times a week is hugely beneficial. My grandfather’s caregiver would do a load of laundry, do the dishes, vacuum, cook him a few meals that she would put in the fridge for him to microwave, etc. It was also nice to know that even when everyone else was busy, there was someone who would know if he had a medical emergency.

      1. This is really lovely. MIL is much more comfortable with people coming to her house (the mobility stuff makes everything much more complicated), but perhaps it’s something to explore.

         I do think we need to find her a housekeeper to come in every couple of weeks to do a deep clean.

         1. Fwiw, I would suggest STARTING with a deep cleaning, and then get a weekly house cleaner if finances allow – there is simply not as much energy at that age to do things like change sheets, wash clothing, vacuum weekly, etc. and it is probably cheaper to just have a weekly service than to deep clean every 3 weeks from all the daily tidying up that likely is not getting done.

         2. I was a “club sandwich” for a while, with my kids, my mother and my grandmother. We hired someone to come in and bring meals and tidy up for my grandmother until she could no longer live independently. (We were all 1000 miles away.) in hindsight I would have started that a LOT earlier than we did. Also, automate Bill payment and make sure soneone has financial POA and knows passwords, etc.

      2. What type of service did you find a caregiver through? And what exactly is the title you look for? Something like this would very helpful for a relative of mine.

         1. I think good key words are “home care aides” or “home care.” My grandfather was low-income, so it was paid for by Medicare/Medicaid, I believe. There are many small businesses that do this, and people are searchable on care [dot] com as well.

   4. Your husband needs to outsource this stuff. Not to spend less time with her but for the time they spend to actually be meaningful . It is not healthy or fun to have the only interactions with your parents be to accomplish chores and taxes. Your MIL is 72. She’s still at an age to enjoy dinners out, fun times with your kids, etc. Pay somebody to clean her house and do her taxes, etc. and use that time instead to spend quality time with her. It will feel like less of a strain on your immediate family for you all to take her out to dinner or visit with her than to run ragged taking on administrative and housecleaning tasks.

   5. I have no idea, but I commiserate. Your MIL sounds overly needy (she can’t vacuum herself?) while my problem is making my parents accept help before they cause more problems. My dad has been a workhorse his whole life and refuses to slow down, so now he’s constantly injuring himself by overdoing it. Chronic back problems from heavy lifting in the yard, and now he gave himself a bone spur that required surgery. We beg my parents to call us for help with projects, but they don’t, then they hide their medical problems and act shady about it.

      1. OP here. Yeah, that scenario also sounds very familiar. That’s more how my family operates. See: that time my 88-year-old grandpa was cleaning his gutters. He was d a m n lucky nothing bad happened.

   6. A couple of points from someone who has been there but with the caveat that I was raised with a greater sense of obligation to elderly family members than some of the commentators on this board.

      First, it has only been a few months so be gentle with everyone on this. You do not mention how your husband feels about it but I caution against being the one who insists on setting boundaries if he does not think this is a problem. And if you do, it needs to be about concrete things he is not doing at home that need to be done.

      Second, you do not mention her finances (or yours). We divided tasks into three groups: (1) we needed to do it – usually because it involved money; (2) it was much better for us to do it because finding someone was expensive and it was not that time consuming – this was usually one-off things that needed to be handled and finding someone else to do it would have taken more time than doing it ourselves; and (3) it could be outsourced. The last group of tasks including a housekeeper, a yard person, and a standing monthly appointment with a handyman for a half day. But she would easily afford that and not everyone can.

      You also do not mention the kinds of things she is calling your husband to handle that require immediate attention. Are these things genuinely urgent? Is she the one insisting he come “now” or is he jumping to do it because he wants to help and feels like he owes it to his dad (which is what happened in my family)? A lot depends on the answers to those questions.

      After a year or so, she will be in a better position to evaluate her life and what she wants to do with the 15-20 years she could reasonably live. It would also be the time to evaluate whether acting as her property manager is more than your husband can handle and whether it would be better to sell or hire a professional manager if he cannot. But I strongly recommend against suggesting she should upend her life and finances right now. It is too soon.

      1. I was the one who cautioned about becoming the “default spouse” above. I too was raised with a huge sense of obligation to elderly family members, but I do think today’s culture of optimizing everything has impacted how that looks. In today’s world, expectations are that adult children will sacrifice themselves to ensure the elderly family member gets to maintain their own household and standard of living with minimal sacrifice, which is not how it used to happen. From what I understand in my family, past generations either relied on the attentions of a very nearby stay-at-home-mother whose kids were in school during the day, or the elderly gave up their independent lifestyle to go live with an adult child and their family, and integrated into that family.

         It is a LOT to maintain two separate households, and especially harder when both partners work full time during the day. Just as parenting has gotten much more time-intensive than it was in the past, so has elderly caregiving. And that all tends to fall on women. Boundaries are essential to keeping your sanity in the sandwich. The Giving Tree is not a good role model to follow – you have to have some of yourself left at the end of the day.

         1. Yes, I think this shift in mindset is key. I’m from a culture where multigenerational households are the norm and not taking care of your elderly parents makes you a bad, ungrateful child. My parents took care of their parents (4 grandparents) 100% when I was growing up. Both are the youngest of several (4+) children, so my grandparents were older and not active and my parents were each the only ones to make it out of poverty/be responsible enough to take care of grandparents. They lived with us, and that language is intentional. We did not live together or only help them. They were taken care of the way us children were, loved and respected, but not equal decision-makers.
            For when my parents age, my sibling and I have already discussed taking care of them. We don’t have exact decisions laid out, but we have had some (hard) conversations about what us helping them looks like. Essentially, the bigger load on us, the less they can demand exactly how we do it. For example, if they can no longer afford their home, that doesn’t mean we will automatically pay for it. Options could be to move them in with one sibling, split time between us two, split payments on a apartment we can afford, etc. It doesn’t mean we’ll dictate their elder years, either. My point is that it’s a conversation about what we are able/willing to do rather than assuming parents dictate how and when we’ll take care of them. My mother, in particular, had some unrealistic ideas about how she would be taken care of in old age and we had to clarify that it wouldn’t be happening that way. She wasn’t… thrilled, but my dad is a much more pragmatic person and said that he didn’t want to burden us the way our grandparents burdened them.

      2. In most cases, no, MIL is not saying “come help now.” But there’s a forever-running honey-do type list, which DH is knocking out once or twice a week. He’s definitely putting some pressure on himself. Some of this could be outsourced, some of it wouldn’t make much sense to outsource. But then there’s the time-consuming stuff that I’m not sure WHY he needs to be heavily involved in, like doing the taxes. And earlier today, painting her bathroom. The property management stuff. Selling loads of his dad’s old stuff (another topic entirely — people, don’t burden your kids with your junk). None of these things are that onerous, but when you add it all together, I feel like my DH is trying to take care of 1.5 households. Honestly, not working from home may put an end to some of this. I’m holding my tongue because it IS early days, but I’m also cognizant that patterns have started.

         Finances are not a huge issue, thankfully. She has a nice nest egg, investments, etc. I have suggested having a regular housekeeper and a handyman on call. That said, there are many emotional hurdles to getting that to happen. FIL would’ve scoffed at the idea of hiring anyone to do anything he was capable of doing himself. MIL is more open to it but isn’t emotionally there yet. Lots to unpack there. :(

   7. That doesn’t sound like a lot. I didn’t hear you saying vacuuming was a “drop everything and go over” moment. People on here can be pretty heartless about eldercare issues, and I think this is the wrong place to ask.

      That said, you’re a functioning adult and your MIL needs help, your needs are not exactly on the same level with hers. It sounds like he’s trying to involve the kids when he goes over rather than dumping them with you, so that’s some sort of compromise. Your husband is in a tough position that you yourself will be in soon enough. Think carefully about your resentment about your husband’s time with his mother and ask yourself if you’d be OK with him feeling that way when it’s your turn to help your parents.

      Do lean into gracefully accepting that this is a normal phase of life we all go through. I’m out the other side with my mom, who died a couple of years ago, and I miss her a lot.

   8. I just want to acknowledge the possibility that outsourcing is not necessarily an option for certain things. My own parents have a blue-collar snobbery about hiring help, so the idea of a housekeeper would get me laughed out of the room. Either they do it, or I do it–there’s no other option. I can’t force them to allow strangers into their home.

      1. Well, if this is your/their unwavering preference, you are in for a load of pain….

      2. OP here. Yes, this is part of the problem. MIL is more open to the idea than FIL EVER would’ve been, but it’s going to take time for her to be fully on board with the idea. And I know she’s uncomfortable, knowing how against FIL was about hiring out anything.

   9. I can completely commiserate. We are 3 years in to my MIL being widowed and sadly this type of thing has become a major source of resentment for me. We have 2 kids in elementary school, both of us work full time, and my husband stepped into the role of “default” spouse for my MIL, which has stretched our already strained lives.

      What is your relationship like with your MIL? I think that can play a major role. Is she eager to learn new things, helpful, wanting to be involved with your kids and family? I come from a culture where helping out family members is deeply ingrained and we have very close knit relationships, but my husband’s family has been much more independent and focused on the nuclear family only. After my FIL passed away, leaning on my family’s culture, both my husband and I jumped in to help my MIL with everything my FIL used to handle – paying bills, making dinner reservations, fixing things around the house, taxes, managing my FILs estate (e.g., selling their out of state 2nd home, retitling bank accounts, credit cards, utilities and so on). It was endless, but we felt that it was our responsibility to help her navigate this difficult time. However, as time wore on, it started to feel more and more like we were being used. She never wanted to spend time with us just hanging out. There always had to be a reason for her to invite us over – we’d show up and as soon as we walked in the door she’d get out her list of things she wanted us to do. If we invited her over to see her grandchildren, she’d decline unless she needed us to help her with something (again, showing up with a list). If we were in a pinch and needed help (very rarely) with babysitting our elementary age kids, she’d begrudgingly do it but make a big deal about how it was an inconvenience for her. Mind you, we live less than a mile away and she is 70 and in very good health and very active. Whereas in my family the desire to help always goes both ways (my parents love to babysit and go out of their way to do anything that we may need help with, and vice versa we are always happy to help my parents) it started to feel incredibly one sided with my MIL. Also, my MIL is very wealthy but doesn’t want to spend the money to outsource anything. As the time spent tending to her errands increased, it felt like a zero sum situation where we were neglecting our own needs as a family to take care of her errands.

      I suggest setting boundaries early and having honest conversations with your husband about how much you two are really willing to provide support without starting to feel resentful. If it is just getting over the hump of the initial loss and grief, that is one thing, but going forward indefinitely is another. You and your husband need to be on the same page and have a united approach.

      The best way to help often is to be able to get your MIL to be more independent. Taking the time to teach a skill upfront often pays dividends when she can then handle that skill going forward. That has been another source of frustration with my MIL. She just immediately throws up her hands and gets frustrated and wants us to handle everything for her rather than make any effort to learn how to do something on her own.

      I do think if your MIL is open to trying to outsource some tasks, learn how to do some things on her own, and wants to spend time with your family it could be quite symbiotic. I could picture going to her place as a family, hanging out, helping out with some things that she needs, perhaps her making dinner for you which is a nice treat, and getting quality time with the grandma/grandchildren could be great. But, if you already feel you are sacrificing too much of your own sanity so that your husband can help his mom all the time, you are headed for resentment buildup. It is not easy to navigate.

10. reposting from yesterday: I’m looking for fun spring shoes in a bright color. I’m not tied to a particular style, but I’m WFH and not going much of anywhere, so they should work well with jeans. Anyone buy or see anything cute recently? Budget ~$100 or less, and must come in a size 11.

    1. I just bought a colorful pair of Vans! They are unisex, so I presume you can get them in a size 11.

    2. Vans or Keds?

       1. Keds Rifle Paper Co collab! I get so many compliments on those shoes.

          1. Oh gawd, I love all things Rifle. So pretty.

       2. Now I have discovered the kate spade keds. Buying a pair!

          1. I have a pair of sparkly red ones for swing dancing, they’re so fun! I’ve been eyeing the rose gold pair as well . . . maybe when it’s safe to dance again I’ll treat myself.

             1. I bought the rose gold as a covid treat and they look lovely in person. In fact, I’ll put them on for my errands this pm.

    3. Taos?

    4. Toms. Very 2011, but I’m wearing a pair of their cupsole Alpargatas right now and they are super comfortable. I have them in chambray but they have a ton of colors and prints. I wore a pair of Toms Cordones in Europe a few years ago and love them, too.

11. I have a nice set of leather coasters. And a puppy who is able to reach things on tables. He thinks that the coasters are a great chew toy (or a tasty snack). He’s past the point of teething. We have that bitter apple spray, but I didn’t want to use it on leather (just his leash and a piece of wood trim he used to chew on). Any tips? We need coasters for drinks when we’re not using Tervis Tumblers so we don’t leave rings on wood furniture.

    1. Lol girl you need to hide those coasters and get something different. He’s a puppy and they’re chew toys. Don’t over complicate this.

       1. Yup.

          We had to make the opposite switch (ceramic to leather) because of coaster-throwing toddlers. Don’t fight it.

          1. Same! I liked my ceramic coasters just fine until my youngest started chucking them everywhere. Now my leather coasters are on the floor more often than the table, but at least they can’t shatter.

             1. One of my kids (not dogs, actual human children) took literal bites out of our coasters which were like a heavy cardboard with faux leather on them… which were purchased because the children were going to break the ceramic coasters…

                So I actually just got woven wicker/straw coasters which live on the mantle.

                Honestly, maybe I should just be like my neighbor who straight up gave up on living room furniture and now has nets over the windows (so they don’t break) and an indoor lacrosse field in her living room.

             2. OMG, the idea of the leather coaster with a bite mark out of it is cracking me up. I was tempted to answer this coaster question by telling the story of the time my husband put our dog in the crate for a 90 minute car ride with his leather leash still on. Dog ATE the ENTIRE LEASH. But as my MIL pointed out, it was basically like a rawhide toy, and he passed it and it was fine.

    2. Get some ceramic coasters? I don’t think there’s a fix other than getting something he won’t chew on. Or, use a tray for your drinks.

    3. Put them away in a cabinet or up where the dog cannot reach ?

       1. +1, or a drawer in your coffee table?

    4. Stone coasters are the best kind.

    5. For wood trim chewing, I found painter’s tape to be the most effective at deterring my non-puppy that still likes to chew wood.

    6. Yep, no magic solution. Puppies chew and explore the world with their mouths just like toddlers. Just put the coasters out of reach until he has learned to leave them alone. Replace with less desirable coasters for the time being. Make sure puppy always has appropriate chews available and knows leave it/release. Make sure you’re consistent with redirecting when he chews things that are not his. This’ll pay off more in the long run than apple spray.

12. I’m looking for a wardrobe-like piece to put in my bedroom to hold the tv. Preferably something with doors that can be closed. Since I’m not using it to actually hang clothes, it doesn’t have to be very deep. I’ve seen a single example at Ballard but it really wasn’t my style. Any suggestions?

    1. Look for an armoire with adjustable shelves?

    2. I would look for a second hand vintage or antique armoire. They are really inexpensive and you will get better quality than with a new piece.

       1. +1 this would be my suggestion too. There are lovely solid wood second hand pieces out there, much better quality than the awful MDF or particle board furniture of today.

    3. My parents had an entertainment center like this. Try searching for that?

    4. Estate sales or FB marketplace are probably a good bet. TV cabinets aren’t popular now so you may have trouble finding new ones.

    5. If your style is less traditional than Ballard and vintage, maybe check out the Leann ford line at crate and barrel. Her “anne” cabinet is about 18” deep and could work if your style is more California contemporary.

    6. Depending on the size of your tv – if it’s not massive you could do an IKEA hack or similar with a display cabinet (meant for hanging or just not assemble the legs) or a kitchen upper cabinet – just cut holes in the back side (often very thin) for your cords. These will be about 35 cm deep.

       If you want even more shallow, you might find a 20 cm deep bookcase with doors with removable shelves. (Or, you know, put in corner irons or something to keep the structure if you remove a structural bit).

13. I’m thinking of getting a phone stand to use for zoom videos instead of my laptop camera. My laptop camera angle makes me a small head with a lot of background, and I don’t love strangers seeing basically my whole apartment. Does anyone have one they like? It would be nice if it has a light, too, but not critical. There are so many options online that I’m overwhelmed. I care more about convenience than bells/whistles.

    1. I have the “SAIJI Tablet Stand Holder, Height Adjustable, 360 Degree Rotating, Aluminum Alloy Cradle Mount Dock for 4.7″-12.9″ Screen iPhone Samsung, iPad, Nintendo Switch, Kindle, eBook Reader (Silver)” – search on a m a z o n – v sturdy and adjusts height a bit.

       1. Lol, I’m going to say this once and for all: saying “Amazon” is okay and always was! This has reached such urban legend status here, though, so it’s at least amusing.

          1. FWIW m-d has gotten so delayed lately that I think people are extra careful about spelling out the names of retailers.

    2. this one has worked nicely for my needs

       https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B089FF65LX/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

    3. I use one of these clipped to a monitor arm: https://www.amazon.com/Aduro-U-Stream-Gooseneck-Influencer-Live-Streaming/dp/B084YTPZY2/

14. I’m down on my wardrobe. I’m likely to be fully vaccinated within two months, at which time I’ll be back at the office in my business casual finance job. I’m up in weight, blaming COVID 19 in general and going on 18 months of fertility treatments (damn you, hormones). I hope this current body size is temporary, and that I get pregnant soon, but I need to refresh my wardrobe so I can go back to the office and feel confident.

    I’m probably a size 14 today, 5’8″. Big hips/butt relative to my smaller waist and smaller chest. Historically did OK in some ankle-length Loft pants in the “curvy skinny” cut, though I’d love some full length pants. Does anyone have any tips? I have to look polished – that’s the thing. And polished to me means well-fitting. I have a closet full of really nice pieces – was a religious Trunk Club user in before times – but they just won’t work for now, until my body normalizes some. Wrap dresses don’t work for me because I need to get a size to fit my bottom, inevitably causing a giant, overflowing top section. Maybe I just find a few black/neutral dresses that work and I wear the hell out of them for the summer. Open to any suggestions…..

    FWIW, I know post-pregnancy “normal” will look different. I already have one child so I’m aware of how pregnancy changes things and can set a new normal for body shape.

    1. FWIW, I found A-line skirts to be the best “weight in flux” solution. They just sit a little higher or lower on your waist and look nice with a variety of heel heights.

    2. Try Talbots. I have found their office-suitable pants cut very nicely for my similar figure. I am petite (meaning short, not tiny), and I expect the good cuts will translate into the regular sizes too. They may even have tall sizes. Their dresses are also cut in a way that flatters my proportions, so you could try them too. Obviously you’re not buying there for cutting edge fashion, but if their pants fit there’s no reason not to buy from there.

       1. Yup I was going to say Talbots too. I wear a lot of Loft curvy ankle pants and find that the Talbots curvy fit works too. They’ll also have a better selection of full length pants than Loft right now.

    3. If you want to try a wrap dress, I would suggest the Karen Kane Cascade Wrap. It is a faux wrap, jersey material, and it has a lot of extra fabric at the top, so you can adjust how low or high-necked it is, and it sounds like it could work for your body shape. I wear mine all the time (I have like four of them right now?), its really a workhorse dress, and I think I look polished in it. I am an attorney in a bus-cas office.

       1. My longer comment is in mod, but I also mentioned this dress. I have multiple.

    4. Definitely don’t buy anything until two weeks before you plan to be back in the office. With fertility treatments and the standard pandemic weight gain, who knows what your body will be like two months from now!

       I recommend getting a few dresses that will accommodate your body now. They will also work during early pregnancy, and the postpartum phase when the time comes. The Karen Kane Cascade Dress fits the bill for me, but I have the opposite body shape as you (giant chest, no waist or hips to be found). Some ponte dresses from Target also worked for me under open cardigans.

       How do you feel about shirt dresses? I searched “shift shirt dress” on ebay recently and bought myself some. They look good now, with my pandemic winter belly, and I will belt them whenever I have a waist again. The Limited Ashton shirt dress has been my favorite – attractive and office appropriate, while being incredibly comfortable.

    5. I’m a similar shape and size, and I’d probably go with slightly A-line dresses for summer so that you’re not messing around with finding both tops and bottoms that work. And if you are pregnant, they’ll buy you a little more time than a pair of pants will. Does Boden work for you? I have a few ottoman dresses that always get compliments in the office.

       That said, if you like separates, I’d go with the combo of: pretty top, a nice cardi or blazer, and pants. I have a pair of elastic-waist dress pants from BR, bought pre-pandemic. They are made with normal officewear fabric; you’d never guess they have elastic unless I wore a top that showed it off. (lol, no.) Loft pants also work well for me. I’d just size up in a style that works for you.

    6. I would say dresses and skirts will be your friend here. Especially if you’re going to be pregnant again soon and pants will be a real cr@pshoot on fitting again once you’re postpartum, dresses are easier to fit onto different body shapes. I’d focus on swing, shift, and fit-and-flare dresses (anything A-line) and add a belt if you need to create more shape to look more polished. Loft usually has these types of dresses, and you might also look into the Leota faux wrap styles. A little more pricey but I have one and it works well on my ample bottom and smaller top.

    7. There are a lot of elastic waist pants out there, in styles that look like regular pants. That might be a nice option if you fluctuate – heck, I’m fluctuating only a little and am strongly considering these kinds of pants when I ever go back to the office!

       My friends who are in the 12-14+ size range seem to do well at Talbots, they always look nice. I know Talbots can skew a little dowdy, but I think if you mix their stuff with things from other places, that helps. Like, pants from Talbots, because they probably fit better, and then maybe a top from a more “modern” place.

    8. Bargain dress suggestion, I share your shape and have a couple of office appropriate Chaus dresses. They look better in person than on the web site. They are washable. A couple might help tide you over. I am also a fan of the NYDJ ponte knit trousers.

    9. I’m probably a size 12 and shorter than you, but I’m in a fairly similar situation and not a dress or skirt person. My biggest unknown is whether my formerly business casual office with smart casual Fridays (aka tailored jeans with a collared top or blazer) will start to skew smart casual during the rest of the week.

       I’ve decided on a uniform of sorts. Elastic pants, cute top, blazer or cardigan. Wit and Wisdom at Nordstrom has jeans and pants that look non-elastic but stretch to accommodate hormone fluctuations. A few work-appropriate tops that work with either my jeans or neutral pants. And then a rotation of coordinating blazers and cardigans to help switch it up. I can get at least 5 days out of 1 jeans, 3 pants, 5 tops, 2 cardigans, 3 blazers, and then switch up the combos the following week to help it feel slightly different. I figure that’s enough to get me through the summer and early fall, and then I can decide whether to continue or invest in new clothes depending on what’s happening at that point.

       1. Also would love to know what in this comment triggered mod?

          1. Probably c-ll-r thanks to the f-tish poster…

             1. Oh no, I must have missed that one. Thanks!

    10. This Costco (Nicole Miller) dress is only $16.99 and might work – https://www.costco.com/nicole-miller-ladies'-%c2%be-sleeve-dress.product.100677531.html – they also have pull-on pants under $20 from a variety of brands.

    11. Chicos Travelers collection

15. I just impulse-booked a trip from the US to London for 10 days around this coming New Year’s, which I will cancel if I’m not vaccinated, conditions don’t improve, etc. I’m debating whether to stay in London the whole time, or leave for a few days to go somewhere else. I know London reasonably well, and I never have a hard time keeping myself occupied there (friends, museums, etc.); but I also haven’t been that many places in England outside of it. Thoughts? If I don’t stay in London the whole time, where should I think about going?

    A friend or my BF might end up being able to come, but neither of them will know about work schedules until the summer or fall. I’m doing my dream-planning with the assumption I’ll be on my own so if one of them can join me, it will be a pleasant surprise.

    1. I loved the old forest (southwest of London) and Salisbury, which make an ready weekend trip.

       1. And ready means easy. Autocorrect.

       2. You mean the New Forrest

          1. Ah yes :)

       3. Thanks, I’ll check those out!

          1. I’d do New Forest, Salisbury (I hear the cathedral is worth a visit ?), and Bath.

    2. Bear in mind that *everything* shuts for a few days over Christmas in the U.K. so sightseeing and domestic travel will be more difficult then – no Christmas Day cinema trips here (you don’t say whether your ten days include Christmas).

       1. Thanks for the heads-up, I’ll be arriving after Christmas.

    3. I’d take the chunnel and do 3-4 days in Paris.

       1. Easier said than done post-Brexit potentially. We don’t really know what that travel looks like now as all the post brexit stuff has been in the Covid era.

       2. As Americans we had to show our passports and go through customs to take the Eurostar (IIRC you technically enter France in the train station) so what else would be added?

          1. Ah so technically you weren’t going through customs, just passport control (all travellers had to go through that, as the U.K. has never been in the Schengen Zone). Now:
             A) all passengers will have to go through Customs
             B) the proportion of passengers with non-EU passports (for the southbound direction) and non-U.K. passports (for the northbound direction) will be much higher, so I’d expect queues to be longer.

       3. I’m the rare basic middle-class white woman who does not like Paris. The chunnel is on my bucket list, though, and I’d love to visit Normandy, but I don’t think January is the best time of year for that one.

    4. York is a lovely charming old city. I spent a solid 2-3 days there.

       1. Thanks! I hadn’t thought about going that far north but the train schedules don’t look bad at all.

          1. if you’re still reading, there’s plenty to do around there too: Yorkshire, basically.

    5. I was in London for NYE once and it was super fun. We ate a late dinner at a fancy Indian restaurant and then watched fireworks over London Bridge. I guess all major cities have fireworks displays over their landmarks (Times Square, Sydney Opera House, etc) but it was a first for small town me and I thought it was very fun. The trip still brings a smile to my face even though I was with an x-BF’s family. I hope you get to go and enjoy!

    6. The nicer one for me: Bath, you could go on a day trip or stay there a night. Also Cambridge or Oxord are good easy day trips . A really nice one but you will need a car or joining a tourist day trip: travelling to Canterbury and Dover to visit Canterbury town and Canterbury Cathedral, the white cliffs of Dover and Dover Castle.

       1. YES to Bath. I love it deeply there. Tea at the Jane Austen museum, tour the roman baths, etc.

    7. Oxford is great for a one-night-trip. Short train ride, beautiful and compact city.
       Very beautiful all year, in winter you might get frost on the college fields and lovely Christmas lights still.
       Have tea, visit Blackwell’s and see a College or two, maybe an evensong.

       Windsor Castle is an excellent day trip.

       Maybe not in January, but normally Kew Gardens would be lovely, in non-central London.

       At New Year’s there will still be roses (a few) blooming in Regent’s park (the QM circle), very lovely in crisp winter air.

16. Vicarious shopping help request: After going through a rough breakup I need to replace my ex-boyfriends comfy large t-shirts with some cute pajamas. Any favorite brands? I’m a petite or xs.

    1. I just got a few sets of the silk pjs (tank and shorts) from Quince and I really like them. Half the price of Lunya.

    2. I was #influenced to try Lake PJs and can say after a year of wear & washing that they are worth the hype. Strong but soft cotton.

    3. Recliner keeps popping up in my Instagram feed and they look very nice.

    4. Eberjey! They are expensive but the softest, and they don’t make me sweaty and disgusting at night like most pjs.

17. So I live in the northeast, everyone I know is clamoring for a vaccine — many getting in out of turn, via connections etc. I guess I naively assumed this was in order to return to life — work, school etc. Does anyone feel like people want the vaccine so they can vacation, go to restaurants, weddings etc but when it comes to work in the northeast — oh no we can’t do that. Far too dangerous. Let’s talk July, better yet let’s talk Sept yet in the meantime sure I’ll get on 3 flights or gather with friends indoors. Like it seems like people don’t even WANT to return to offices, they just want the fun life back. Anyone else think this?

    1. Yes. They aren’t giving you your life back, even with the vaccine. I’ve been telling you this for literally months and being called a crazy person. Watch the rest of the board jump down your throat about the public health response and other bs.

       1. Oh yeah and no one ever wants to go back to work lol. New normal is unemployment for all y’all service workers. Sorry to tell you.

       2. Nesting fail?

    2. Kind of? I mean, I don’t anticipate returning to the office until fall, and I want to go back, but honestly, I don’t know if I want to if it means wearing a mask all day (I have a private office, so I assume I wouldn’t need to in my office) or still not being able to have in-person meetings.

       But going out with friends – yes, I am very much looking forward to doing that after I’m vaccinated. That would involve less mask-wearing, or only for a short time. And going out with friends is more fun than going to work, I’ve really missed that. I’ve gotten together with friends maybe 6 times this past year.

       I don’t know, I don’t think it’s that terrible to be looking forward to fun things more than going to the office!

       1. No it’s not terrible at all — far from it! I sincerely hope everyone has fun things in their personal lives to look forward to.

    3. I’m one of those people. This past year has proven that there’s no need for me to suffer the inconveniences of office life (hair, makeup, commute, sad desk lunch, uncomfortable shoes, incessant disruptions from open space, I could go on…). Of course I want my social life to return to normal. Non-work stuff is what makes life worth living so obviously I prioritize that.

       1. +1000 to this. Work in the office isn’t fun. Seeing friends is fun. I’m not personally traveling until much later on, but I can’t wait for that and I can wait…um, forever before clamoring to go back to the office.

       2. How old are you? Do you really want to sit in yoga pants in your bedroom for work for the next 20 or 30 years, only inconveniencing yourself to get ready when it’s for friends?

          1. Not the same poster, but absolutely! Except I have a separate home office that I outfitted years ago instead of working in my bedroom, and I like suiting up for court.

          2. Yes, yes I do. Just because going to the office all the time was the default before Covid, doesn’t mean it’s the best way. If you want to go into the office, you do you. But don’t make me conform to the way you prefer to live.

             1. +1. There’s no reason we *should* go back to “normal.” We should adapt and be flexible and help people work where they work best. Sometimes that will be at the office and sometimes that will be at home.

             2. People need to take into account that not going back to offices means the collapse of multiple industries. Commercial Real Estate. Restaurants. Office cleaning companies. Parking companies. I could go on and on. Without the taxes from these companies, cities will die. It’s critical to “get back to normal” to some degree.

             3. Omg cities are not going to die, Tucker. 100% remote work for everyone everywhere isn’t going to happen for a number of reasons. And if we do experience a wide-scale societal shift that results in entire industries going belly-up, then I assure you new ones will pop up to fill in the gaps.

             4. No need to insult me. Tucker? What does that even mean? I guess you weren’t in NYC last summer when rats were bleeding all over the streets because they had nothing to eat and they were eating each other. It’s a trickle down effect of buildings being closed or unoccupied. And if you think there’s going to be some other way to make up the trillions of dollars a year that CRE companies pay in real estate taxes, I’d love to hear your plan.

             5. The plan is for the pandemic to end, obviously. Then you will see that all of your scaremongering was a waste of time and energy.

          3. I’m baffled at why this is a bad thing lol.

             1. Ugh. This is my h€ll. It’s like you live at work. But if I could go to a different court assignment every morning, be home by early afternoon put on my sweatpants and do the admin work until five? That’s totally ideal. Different strokes for different folks.

          4. Why is it important to you what people wear or where they are while they trade their time and skills for money?

             1. It’s only important when those of who liked to be in a functioning society are prohibited from doing so, and none of you seem to have any problem with it because you can wear leggings!

          5. LOL, I don’t understand what the problem is regardless of anyone’s age. Is it some kind of virtue or accomplishment to get up and put on work clothes every day? This is such an odd comment.

          6. …yes? This is literally my professional goal. I work in tech, I have a home office, and there is literally no need for me to use time or gasoline to spend all day on my laptop in a cubicle.

             My colleagues and I have been communicating and socializing virtually for decades, and my contacts in the EU and APAC would never have happened without that, because travel is rare in my field. From our POV, other industries are finally catching up.

          7. Yes, and for the next 40 years. I’ll still attend court appearances and such.

       3. +1. My whole department has had an incredible year in terms of performance. That is counting the colleagues who had to juggle child care and the more difficult communication in remote work. And we’ve all been through a lot this year, with a multitude of hardships. Obviously the priority now is on restoring our sanity. Going back to our cubicle will come soon enough.

          1. My firm had its best year ever, and the vast majority were working with kids who weren’t in school.

       4. My company shut down several of our smaller office buildings across the country so I have to WFH home permanently unless I move to another state where the company still has office buildings. I want to be vaccinated before I travel.

    4. Haven’t gotten the vaccine yet, but why would people who like WFH want to get back to the office? Getting on a plane is something fun, especially after this hellacious year, but going back to the office and dealing with others all day while we’re still in the pandemic is not fun. I don’t get special value out of being anxious in the cube farm, wondering when my coworker two cubes over is going to put his mask on. The public transit commute with all kinds of weird randos in my car coughing doesn’t add value to my life. I can do all of my work safely, effectively, and efficiently from home and have been knocking it out of the park for the last year at work. Of course I want the fun life back and not the not-fun life!

       1. My personal reason is I live in a 400 sq ft apartment. It is so cramped. Can’t wait to have a dedicated office space again that I can leave behind at the end of each day. If I had a spare room for an office, my feelings might be different.

    5. I think the logistics of gathering with 5 friends for 2 hours is easier than the logistics of getting 1800 people back into my building via 14 elevators. No one is wanting to ride 25 people to an elevator even more even when vaccinated. So then you queue up for elevators, it takes hours to get upstairs, and then you go to your office shut the door and dial into your meetings, because no one wants to gather in conference rooms even vaccinated. So yeah work is a challenge. No one wants to do these things even with a vaccine so IDK how it happens unless employers force it and most employers right now in the northeast are scared to force it because of the negative press they’d get from some outbreak however unlikely with most employees vaccinated.

    6. I mean, yes? My company has been doing just fine with everyone WFH, and has already said we won’t return to the office until September. Assuming I’m fully vaccinated by sometime in June, I will definitely be doing several vacations that require flying before then, and plenty of local gathering as well. I’m certainly looking forward to going back to the office and seeing all my colleagues in person, but I miss my friends and family a whole lot more. Besides, the sooner I can travel and eat in restaurants and such, the sooner all those employees can be rehired and the sooner we get the economy back.

       I say this as someone who has not flown to visit family, has not gone on vacation, and only seen a handful of friends in outdoor distanced gatherings since a year ago.

    7. Hahaha what? Obviously yes I don’t understand your confusion? I have zero interest in returning to my office and will only do so when I have to. I’m delighted to be vaccinated so I can travel and dine and socialize. Life is so much more than work.

    8. I’m afraid I’ll be yelled at for this, but I will opt for honesty.

       I will be vaccinated soon (pregnant in Washington State). The number one reason I want to be vaccinated is to attend my sister’s wedding and my brother-in-law’s wedding. These are so important, and both brides have been through frustration and heartbreak and delayed family planning as a result of the pandemic. While I am super committed to my job, I can perform it remotely, and attendance there is not a once in a lifetime event. Of course I will happily go back to the office once we are broadly vaccinated. But gosh I wanted to be able to stand next to my sister as her maid of honor, alongside all the vaccinated medical professionals in her wedding party, without worrying about getting sick and hurting the baby.

       1. Why would anyone yell about this

          1. I don’t know! So much sadness and frustration right now, I felt nervous saying it :) you all proved otherwise.

       2. +1000 to so much of this.

          I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. My work is important, fulfilling, interesting and even my main source of socialization these days, but nothing about it makes it more important to me than my family and dear friends. When I think about the things this pandemic has taken from us that I grieve, another day at the office is not on that list.

          1. Well said.

          2. +1

             What I miss most about office life is the structure of the days. People weren’t emailing constantly because there were markers – commutes – that it was time to switch off. I also miss the ‘big picture’ kind of conversations and ease of dropping by someone’s office for a quick question – when you’re IMing or texting someone if they have a second, you have no visual clue to see what kind of day they might be having.

             But as far as things I am excited to resume? Seeing family and friends in person and sharing meals together will be delightful.

             1. Yes, exactly. I miss some parts of being in the office, including those things you listed. WFH has been a mixed bag for me, with upsides and downsides. And it is darn useful to have an office, especially for certain tasks. But am I *excited* to go back? No, not really. It’s kind of like getting your dishwasher fixed. Yeah, it’s kind of annoying to do dishes by hand for a few weeks and I certainly want the option of a dishwasher—especially if I was hosting a party or something– but it’s not like I’d be sitting there looking forward to it when I’m stressed at work, or texting my friends about how eager I am to have it fixed, or making a pinterest vision board of clean dishes or circling the date on my calendar….

          3. Exactly this. Thank you, Vicky.

          4. Amen!

    9. Also in the Northeast, but not seeing it that way. My job is one that can technically be done from home but much less efficiently so we all want to get back to the office to get some semblance of work/life balance back. The only hesitation I see is people who are concerned about sharing an open office space with unvaccinated coworkers. Otherwise I think we will all be rushing back to the office as soon as we are fully vaccinated, which I am very hopeful will occur by July.

    10. I mean, of course people want to get the vaccine to do fun stuff. That is the entire point?

        1. And why the hell not? If you look at the economy, white collar professionals are doing FINE. Turns out, by and large, broad swathes of the economy can function while giving employees flexibility. If anything, focusing on tourism and dining is exactly what everyone needs to be doing now, to get back to where we were.

           1. Yeah, I think this 100% spot on. My area is so heavily dependent on tourism and we are so f-ed. Other than the annoyance of having to work from home (I personally do not like it), I haven’t been that affected. My friends and neighbors not so much. So many of them barely survived the 2020 summer without visitors, one more summer will kill their livelihoods completely. If wider vaccination means people will travel here this summer, I will be so happy.

    11. I’m really glad that the pandemic has forced a rethink on the 9-to-5, butt-in-seat model. So many of us were wasting weeks per year commuting to inflexible offices, contributing to congestion on the roads and air pollution and road rage, when we could do our work at home and not only survive, but thrive. Staying home allows me to bring my best self to my professional life. I have more time to exercise, I eat better, I sleep more, I’m ready to address challenges – I’m not exhausted from the commute and angry at all the background noise every time I have to get on a conference call and angry at coworkers who always, always came in to the office while sick. My marriage is better because we have more quality time together. I get to spend more time with my cat. I get to see the sun and have my own window and have silence to do focused work and get on calls. If I have to run out to the doctor’s office, it’s now a one-hour trip tops instead of a complicated song and dance with timing my commute and leaving the city on time to catch the right bus. I have more energy to do the fun stuff I want to do on the weekends. The benefits are innumerable! I’m going to work from home permanently and I couldn’t be more excited.

        1. +1000 to all of this, everything you said. I have quality of life now with WFH that I never had when I was working in an office. I actually changed jobs to a permanent WFH position so I wouldn’t have to go back to the office. I am never going back to working in an office unless it becomes an absolute financial necessity; I will start my own business if I have to, vs. going back to working in an office ever again.

    12. Well, yeah? If I’ve learned anything over the past year, it’s that nobody else is looking after what my family needs, so work can be a second or third priority, not first.

        1. +1000. If I hadn’t advocated to work from home (and for all of us to work from home), I’m almost certain I would have gotten COVID. My boss didn’t want to shut down and only did in response to pressure. It really taught me that you HAVE to advocate for your own best interests.

    13. I missed a year of my nephew’s life and he’s not yet two. That’s a lot of quality baby-squishing time I didn’t get so yeah, I’m gonna want to do that before going back to the office full-time. And I say that as someone who did a lot of on-site work this year.
        We lost a full year and more than half a million people. Being 100% back in the office isn’t that important. It shouldn’t be.

        1. Amen.

    14. I wouldn’t ever go back to the office again if I could get away with it. I never LIKED it but the pandemic had shown how much I dread going in. I get more work done at home and I’m happier. I’m not a slacker by any means. I work hard and I’m self motivated and going into the office only sucks time out of my life that I’d rather be working. Frankly I’m pretty tired of people acting like I’m lazy because I don’t want to go into the office; if anything it’s the office workers who are lazy because they’re wasting so much of their day getting ready, commuting, talking in the hallways instead of working.

    15. I’m trying to give people the benefit if the doubt here when I see my seemingly healthy, relatively young friends clamoring to get the vaccine, looking for loopholes, whining about how unfair it is that smokers and obese people can get it before them, maybe they are really anxious about getting sick, or maybe they’re itching to visit vaccinated family members. The reality is some of them probably are jockeying to travel or party ASAP, but if I don’t know someone’s motivations, it feels unfair to make assumptions.

        I also don’t ask questions when I see my friends getting their vaccine. I don’t demand to know how they got it so early or what qualified them, they might have a medical condition that’s none of my business, and honestly, I just want to see everyone get vaccinated ASAP, even if I don’t get mine for a while.

        1. I mentioned this in a comment yesterday but I feel like it’s important to distinguish between jealousy and fairness. when I have other young healthy friends who technically qualify due to their industry or a very mild health condition even though they (like me) have been working from home all year, I’m jealous that they can get it first because I want all the things people listed above- spending time with friends and family without stress over masks and the weather and everyone else’s covid habits. I want travel. I want to eat at restaurants.

           But do I need all those things? No. Can I wait a bit longer? Yes. Is it a good thing that people with conditions or in industries that are more in-person/high risk overall are prioritized? Yes.

           I don’t understand the premise of this thread really at all to be honest. Most white collar employers have made it clear that they aren’t going to have serious expectations of true office reopening until the fall. It just makes sense to give everyone enough time to get their full vaccinations and immunity, as well as to give the many people who have been working from other locations time to re-sort their lives. And why would employers arbitrarily insist that everyone needs to come back in July or august, when everyone will be trying to take their first vaccinated vacations. There’s just so much to lose on morale and so little to gain.

        2. I got my first vaccination already because I have a congenital heart condition that you’d never know I had, just from looking at me. People shouldn’t be quick to judge about who “deserves” to get vaccinated. You don’t know what the story is just by looking at someone.

           1. Yes exactly! I’m still over here allowing myself to feel a little jealous if people who *seem* the same as me are getting it, but I’m also reminding myself it’s not necessarily the case that they are actually the same amount of healthy as me, and either way, on a societal level it is more important that the people who are more at risk get it before me. But I’m just trying to allow myself to feel both things at the same time.

              Personally, I’ll say that I’m especially struggling with my pregnant friends who are getting vaccinated because I have been TTC for 9 months now and am not pregnant. So the thing I probably want most in the world is to be able to get pregnant, and it feels like adding insult to injury that my friends who are pregnant were able to get pregnant when I can’t, AND because they are pregnant, are now able to get the vaccine. I know that they are, at least slightly, actually more at risk than me now, and I want them to be able to get it for that reason. But it really stings and I have to just allow myself to feel that way on the inside to also be able to continue to be a good friend to them on the outside.

    16. I don’t judge why people get vaccinated. I do not care why, or how they feel about it, or even what they think. I care only that they do get vaccinated which will hopefully slow if not stop COVID spreading to other people.

    17. You have got to get a life. Then maybe you would understand? We aren’t all clamoring to return to work, we are clamoring to live our lives.

        1. Unnecessary. Just because someone wants to work in an office or has deemed work a major part of their life does not mean they have no life or that your life is better.

           1. It’s pathetic and sad to be puzzled why people prioritize their personal lives over their work lives.

              1. +1. Nobody on their death bed wishes they’d billed more hours or picked a more professional water bottle for their cubicle.

    18. I want to return my office. Very, very badly.
        I want to meet my friends and family. Go out. See a show. Novelty gardening.
        I want to travel again.

        All of these things are “return to life” for me. My life isn’t only work, so the office isn’t the only thing on the list, but my work life will not be WFH any longer than necessary.

18. So I’m noticing about 25% of the time when I wake up in the morning, my feet hurt. Sometimes it’s just when I put my feet on the ground, sometimes it’s more the heel. It tends to get better once I get moving and in 1-2 hours it’s gone. I’m not a big work out person but not inactive either — on a slow day I’ll still walk at least a mile and be on my feet a lot. Is this just being 40? Anything I can do?

    1. What kind of hurt and where in your foot?

    2. Could be plantar fasciitis. I had that a few years ago and it hurt crazy-bad, especially in my heels, to hobble out of bed in the morning, but tended to get better as the day wore on.

       And I think it’s just something that happens. When I developed it, I was working out regularly, didn’t wear heels, wasn’t overweight… it just happened. I was in my mid-40s, but I think this can happen at any age.

       Google some stretches for plantar fasciitis, those helped me a lot. And it did go away within probably a few/several months and I haven’t had problems since.

       1. I was also thinking plantar fasciitis. Don’t ignore it or it will get worse and then you’ll end up hobbling around in a boot for a few weeks! Or at least that’s how it happened for me.

       2. +1 – sounds like plantar fasciitis. I’ve had it twice in my life and I’m mid-40s. In both cases it went away eventually with lackadaisical intervention on my part, but it took a while, like 6 months maybe.

    3. This. We split a week between Bar Harbor and Monhegan Island and it was perfect. If Monhegan is open to visitors (check their website) I highly recommend it.

       1. Doh! Nesting fail. And yes, it’s plantar fasciitis.

    4. Idk if my experience sounds similar at all – I’m 37 and lately my feet have felt a bit stiff in the morning. Not painful, and more in the center of the foot, but it’s noticeable for the first like 5-10 steps of the day. I’m wondering if it’s a result of being at home not wearing shoes. I have high arches and I really need arch support, which I’ve been neglecting. I’ve also fallen off of my yoga practice even though I’m still walking 10k steps a day, so I’m not stretching like I should. Maybe wearing supportive shoes around the house and doing stretches will help?

       1. Oh yes, I forgot a crucial part of my PF rehabilitation- I got some clog style Crocs and wear them ALL the time in the house! I even take pair with when I travel (pre-pandemic) so I don’t have to walk around the hotel room barefoot.

    5. Plantar fasciitis (eventually) went away for me when I threw out all my crummy worn out shoes and committed to ones in better shape.

    6. I agree it sounds like PF. My husband has it and does some stretches’ before getting out of bed.

    7. +1 for plantar fasciitis. I was ~40, overweight but not massively so. I wasn’t wearing heels much at the time but I did/do tend to wear cheap shoes. I improved my shoes (put insoles in flats that had terrible arch support, and stayed away from things like super flat sandals that wouldn’t accommodate an insole) and wore some compression thingies to bed, and it eventually went away. I probably would have seen faster progress if I’d seen an MD.

    8. My feet hurt in the morning for years, which is a classic plantar fasciitis sign. I was treated for it with the standard steriod shots, physical therapy, and wearing the right shoes with an orthotic, but I still limped around and hurt all the time. It ruined at least two major vacation trips, where I couldn’t walk around a beautiful city like Paris as much as I would have liked to.

       Now I understand it was arthritis all along. Plantar fasciitis is very specific to the heel but my pain was over my entire foot. Since I’ve been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and have been taking Humira, I don’t have foot pain at all, after about 4 years of near constant pain at some level.

       Not to be the voice of doom and gloom, and seeing a podiatrist is a good first step. But they do tend to diagnose you with the easiest, most common foot issues, especially if you’re a relatively young patient compared to their typical patient, and that’s not always the case. In hindsight, I should have insisted on at least an MRI after it went on for as long as it did.

    9. I’ve had luck with wearing a sock-like brace when my plantar fasciitis flares up. It looks like this: https://www.braceability.com/products/plantar-fasciitis-soft-night-sock?variant=7609316638773&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrsGCBhD1ARIsALILBYqd31YILhc0QlsOuQI0aY2yufF5TRl3wnbd5GaA9er6q6pGqHGEnhsaAuk6EALw_wcB

       checking shoes, making sure you’re not increasing steps/exercise suddenly, and stretching all helped too. When I notice it acting up, I check the age of my sneakers again.

    10. Definitely sounds like plantar fasciitis. Do some foot stretches before getting out of bed – warm that fascia up before putting your feet on the floor. If it gets worse, you may need to see a podiatrist. I had to sleep in a foot brace for a couple months before my situation resolved itself.

19. I am being counseled out of my biglaw position this month and have a few questions for the hive. For those who have been in this position, what did you tell others (co-workers, opposing counsel, professional contacts)? I don’t want to be dishonest but I don’t think the situation reflects well on me, so I’m trying to strike the right balance and find a way to spin it to seem voluntary, even though it’s not and I don’t have a new job lined up yet. Also wondering, how do firms usually go about counseling associates out like this? I’m not sure if I missed any hints before they told me clearly my last day is X.

    1. You’ve resigned to explore new opportunities because your former place of employment had no room for growth.

    2. This is going to depend on what you mean by “counseled out”. Is your firm up or out and you are out or are you being fired for performance reasons (and if so is it case handling, billing, etc.)? Or something else? How many years have you been practicing/at this firm?

       If you give us that information, we will be in a better position to give advice.

       1. OP here, the reason is not enough hours during the pandemic. I’d be hesitant to call it being laid off to my internal contacts because that would cause a lot of gossip, I think, because the official line is we haven’t laid anyone off (I have literally no idea if anyone else is being let go like this). It’s more like I just couldn’t find enough work for various reasons, or couldn’t produce enough billable hours from the work I was given. I definitely did not advocate for myself re: low hours enough in the last year.

          1. Not enough hours billed by you with plenty of work to do or not enough to work for you to be able to bill your hours? If it is due to your practice group not having the work load, then I would characterize your departure as exactly that. I am currently interviewing associates for an open position and am not considering it any type of red flag if they tell me they were laid off due to COVID work shortages.

    3. Hi – I’m sorry, this is a tough spot to be in! For what it’s worth, I had a similar situation where I had an honest conversation about looking to go in-house (believing that the firm would help since that was something they’d said a lot). The “help” was mostly “have you talked to [this client/person you already know] about any ideas they may have?”over a few months and no introductions or help towards connecting with new people or into new positions. Then a few months later I got a call saying my last day would be X (2-3 months out, I think) before anything had come through. Very luckily, I ended up getting an in-house offer about a month before my “last day” and was able to just tell people that I was leaving to go in-house.
       What is your timeline? If you’re months out, I honestly wouldn’t say anything to your peers and see what happens until you get to the last month of work. At that point is when I’d start talking to the partners about how they want you to transition, and then at the 2-4 weeks out is when most people seem to tell peers, opposing counsel, etc. that you’ll be gone effective X. The people I knew who were counseled out were usually somewhat vague (decided to take some time to figure out your next steps, decided biglaw wasn’t for them, looking to move into government/in-house/etc. so focusing your efforts on getting that next job). People will read between the lines, but also won’t judge you harshly because any non-jerky person has seen others in the same position and know that being counseled out doesn’t mean you’re a bad person/bad lawyer/etc.
       I’m sorry. This is a tough time and especially for overachieving chicks, it can be really jarring. Trust that you are going to find something better.

    4. I had this happen to me. I should have known tbh. I mean many of my colleagues were slow but I was slower than slow. I told two people I was close with in the firm and my best friend and no one else. Obviously, people learned but I didn’t want to have the conversation. I also did not tell my recruiters. I was still on the website and so I was still an associate as far as they were concerned.

    5. As far as hints- did you get ‘repeat business’ from partners or senior associates or were you just staffed where they needed a body?

       For how to position yourself, please tell us a little more – is the firm doing stealth layoffs? Are you at the ‘out’ part of up or out? Or is it an actual performance issue?

    6. So, most people leave big law; everyone understands it’s up or out. I would not provide any information to co-workers until you have an exit plan, and then let them know what you are doing. The partners on your matters can handle informing the client and opposing counsel when they have staffing in place. If your firm offers exit support like a headhunter, use it. If not, reach out to one in your field ASAP.

    7. It happens to almost everyone in biglaw at some point, but no one ever admits it. Just start looking for jobs like crazy, once you find something, tell people you are looking for growth or are interested in new opportunities. Don’t tell anyone you were pushed out, most people will assume this anyway. Hugs, it happens to everyone, only no one ever talks about it.

       Normally, you get about 3-6 months to look for a job. But if you still can’t find anything in the last month, to try to ask the firm if it’s willing to let you take an unpaid leave so your profile will stay up on the firm’s website. Tell the firm you’re looking to go in-house so they are more likely to agree to your request.

20. I’ve felt this since cases dropped last summer. Always the most vocal coworkers saying in office work was unsafe were the ones posting vacation and restaurant photos on social. Although, since my work did away with the requirement that I submit daily time sheets (last week) I actually get why people like wfh. You can do a whole lot less and fly under the radar.

    1. This. Admit it or not people as a whole are working a whole lot less. Throw in vacations and dining out, yeah they’re getting the vax asap for those purposes but for work oh it’s too dangerous.

       1. Fascinating. It’s so heterogeneous. I’m fairly certain my team is working slightly more than before.

          1. Same.

          2. Also interesting. My staffers who always were pretty lazy are still lazy. Frankly, they do about the same amount of work.

             Me and most of my staff that are actually decent/motivated? Lots more work. I used to take a good number of personal/sick days off to deal with school days off/sick kids/just taking a day to run errands. Now I just work. Most of my staff wasn’t able to WFH before so if they weren’t in the office, they weren’t working. Period. Now – they’ll be in early and leave late. They’ve discovered how you can just ‘get sucked in’ and suddenly it’s 9PM (this is genuinely a new thing!). They’re working so much more and have commented that without their commute, they’re happier too.

          3. We’re working about the same, but better. The people who were inefficient in the office are inefficient at home and vice versa. Many of us feel more rested and like we have more energy since we’re not commuting, though.

             1. +1. Exactly

       2. For my group, it’s “different” but not “less.” Rather than looking at random websites while I’m in the office, i workout or do laundry or whatever. Still get my job done and appreciate not having to commute.
          To the OP, I don’t think it’s a problem that people aren’t eager to go back to work when they now know that they can do their jobs at home. I’m relatively cautious covid wise (haven’t been on a plane, don’t socialize maskless outside my household, no indoor dining for a year) and I’m definitely looking forward to doing fun stuff and not going back to the office.

    2. That might be why you like it but lots of us are working as hard or harder at home. I just really love not commuting, not wearing work clothes, and not dealing with annoying office nonsense.

       1. Same – just for example I could not care less about college basketball, and in Normal Times sit next to a man who is obsessed and talks loudly for hours a day about the brackets. Thin walls mean even closing my door does nothing.

          I am counting another March at home in the ‘blessing’ column on that particular topic.

       2. Being able to control the thermostat has had an unbelievable effect on my life. Instead of huddled shivering in a cubicle all day, miserable and non-stop snacking to distract myself, I’m comfortable, calm, and focused. I lost weight effortlessly because I am warm and don’t need to self-soothe. My productivity (measured by minutely-detailed PM software) is through the roof.

          1. OMG, I can’t believe I forgot that one. It’s so, so, SO nice not to be freezing all the time.

    3. Offf. Sorry about the nesting fail friends! Obviously in response to the question from anon.

21. Thank you everyone for good vibes on they cyst exam. I ran into a solid gynecologist (in fact, the key opinion leader HCP in onco-gynecology in this small country), who was patiently commenting everything during exam and treated me like a human being, not just next number in the line. Cyst is not as big as I feared, is well located and it will be removed in one month from today. I feel such a relief! Thanks!

    1. So glad to hear this!

    2. That is awesome!

    3. Hooray!

    4. Hooray for good news! I had a 10cm cyst out last year and recovery wasn’t so bad. Just try not to sneeze or laugh for about 5 days. I’d never had laparoscopic surgery before and someone tipped me off to pick up gas-x beforehand – they pump some gas into you for the procedure and it can take a bit to work its way out.

    5. Yay! Thanks for reporting back!

    6. Thanks! Also for the gasx tip, will definitely look into this.

       1. Warmest wishes to you! I had a benign ovarian dermoid cyst 4.2 cm removed (along with my one ovary and tube because the cyst twisted my ovary and it was damaged) last year via laproscopic procedure. Removal is standard of care now, so just find the best surgeon you can. The recovery wasn’t as bad as I had expected and I relied only on Tylenol for the first day. I was back at work in two weeks (I could have returned after one week but honestly just needed the break). Good luck!

          1. Thanks, this is helpful. My sister had same procedure done last year and he also took 2w off. I am waiting for details about surgery, but the doctor said I should be fine after a few days (days, not weeks). I am fine with both options, sick leave in Europe is quite generous and my company compensates up to 80% of salary. So I am in no (unnecessary) rush.
             I got lucky with the surgeon/doctor as he is the “go-to” specialist here for complicated cases, already asked a few coworkers. Thank you all for sharing your stories!

    7. I’m gonna call BS on the Gas-X. Gas X is for gas in your digestive system. It might be good after a colonoscopy or upper endoscopy where the shoot the gas into your digestive tract.

       But laprascopy of the ovaries involves shooting gas into the general abdominal cavity (which they do to lift your abdominal wall off the operating area for elbow room). The gas isn’t in your digestive tract. Gas X won’t help.

       When I had a similar procedure, I got a stiff neck feeling for a few days post surgery because as my doc explained, gravity was making the gas rise to my shoulders and dissipate there.

       1. That’s fair – I questioned it too but I took it anyway, and it helped. Maybe placebo, but it helped.

22. I do not really like salads, in large part because I don’t like lettuce. I do like pasta salad, and starting making an increasingly veggie-heavy one until I realized I’m basically eating a salad with some pasta added. An unusual topping, but not the worst thing I can imagine.
    So any other recipe ideas to trick myself into eating a salad?

    1. why are you so keen on tricking yourself into eating salad? is it becuase you think they are healthy? you want to eat more vegetables? if you don’t like salad, eat vegetables a different way – like roast them. if you absolutely must eat salad, you can make quinoa salads, cucumber based salads as kind of a stand in for lettuce, chickpea salad, shreded carrot salad, etc. there are also many different types of leafy greens – like spinach or kale

    2. Grain bowls? Farro? Couscous?

    3. Leon (a sort of healthy ish fast food place here) does a ‘kale Caesar’ with puy lentils in it. I stole that idea and combine puy lentils with spinach and top with cheese!

    4. I also dislike lettuce so I just leave it out! Lettuce-less salads are pretty common in certain parts of the world.

    5. Any kind of grain bowl is basically a salad without lettuce.

    6. how do you feel about potato salad?

       1. Potato salads don’t generally have a lot of other vegetables, do they?

          1. I like potatoes in salad! Roasted potatoes or sweet potatoes add a lot of flavour and texture.

          2. There are as many ways to make a potato salad as there are people. Like OP described for the pasta salad, start with a base recipe and push it towards veggie-heavy. My family recipe has onions, pickles, tart apples and potato as basic recipe. Some people include hard boiled eggs (I wouldn’t dream of it) or bacon bits. Depending on availability, you can add cucumber, radishes, tomatoes, even chickpeas would fly. You can dress completely without mayo, there are recipes that use broth (not my thing), just oil and vinegar, or a small amount of mayo and pickle brine (my favorite).

             1. And while potatoes are starchy, they are still vegetables. If you are not completely eliminating carbs, just looking for moderation, then potatoes are a good option. As calories per oz go, potatoes have about half the calorie density compared to pasta. Sweet potatoes are in the middle.

    7. I think red lentil pasta by Tolerant is pretty good and the macros are more favorable than wheat pasta (more protein, etc.). Also, have you tried chopping up the lettuce into smaller pieces? I realized that I don’t like stuffing huge lettuce leaves into my mouth, but I enjoy salad when everything is chopped up and I get a better mix of ingredients in each bite. You can also try different mixes of greens. I love arugula with random veggies and parmesan. I also like kale if its massaged in some olive oil and chopped up well, especially with pepitas, salt and feta added.

    8. If there are veggies you like, use them instead of lettuce. This is your food. You don’t have to do it anyone else’s way.

       Two non lettuce veggie salads I like:

       Cucumber slices (peeled and de-seeded) and cubed avocado. Lightly dressed with salt and a drizzle of oil if needed (may not be needed)

       Steamed green beans, cooled and tossed with halved cherry tomatoes, dressed with a vinaigrette.

       Toasted pine nuts are great on either of these. The green bean salad is good with a bit of cheese if you’re eating cheese.

       I also like traditional cucumber salads – marinating cucumber slices in sour cream and vinegar, or just in vinegar, water, and a small amount of sugar. You can do the latter thing with radishes.

       Greek salads are great and don’t have to involve lettuce – cucumbers, olives, tomatoes, red onion, and feta cheese.

       Salads don’t have to have lettuce!

    9. I never eat salads with lettuce. So bland and boring. Pasta salad…. is not really a salad I’m afraid… if your goal is to be more healthy. It’s just carbs. I see the point of salads to have raw healthy vegetables to help fill you up and/or give you good fiber.

       So I basically make “salads” with no lettuce. Sometimes it is just tomatos + avocado with salt/pepper. Sometimes I add carrot, cut up mushrooms, sweet red or orange bell pepper with some tasty salad dressing. Sometimes it is tomatoes + goat cheese with salt/pepper/olive oil.

       It has to be easy for me and I try to keep all of the basic ingredients in the house.

       Or just buy a premade bag of salad from Trader Joes and call it a day.

    10. How about a chopped greek salad that’s light on the lettuce. Tomato, bell pepper, onion if you like it, cucumber, kalamata olives, maybe some romaine, all chopped pretty thoroughly. Add feta, crumbled or in chunks. Add some Greek dressing – I’m usually a salad snob about dressings in bottles, but I like the one you can buy a bottle of at Zoe’s Kitchen restaurants. If you like croutons generally, some semi-crunched up pita chips mixed in are good. Want some protein? Mix in or add on top: chicken, tuna, shrimp, salmon.

    11. this is a time to recommend my favorite Russian salad, vinaigrette! it’s beets/potatoes/carrots/pickles, all chopped tiny, in the proportions of your choosing. I add barely blanched frozen peas, some people add hardboiled egg or saurkraut.

        works with 1/2 reg beet 1/2 pickled beet too

    12. Just recently found out that some people dislike lettuce, but love lamb’s lettuce. They describe it as being crunchier and juicier. Might be something you want to explore. I also second the advice of simply creating a salad of things/veggies you enjoy and skip those you don’t like. Since I started growing my own veggies, I experimented more and found out I actually like some veggies when they are home-grown (I guess bc they get plenty of natural sun and they are in-season fresh).

    13. Go search for “refrigerator salad” at budgetbytes.com – you’ll find a lot of different salads – none of which are lettuce based. But they will be hearty, crunchy and keep well.

    14. White bean salad? Beet and carrot salad? Grated carrot salad? Peanut salad? Chickpea salad (also look at Indian “shundal”)? Greek spinach and feta salad with cherry tomatoes?
        I am a huge fan of the above salads, also love lemon squeezed on every.single.thing. No salad dressing other than olive oil or lemon. And the best thing is truffle oil – yum! A few drops make everything mouth watering.

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