Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Demetria 2 Flare Leg Good Wool Suit Pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I don’t think I’ve ever done this wittingly before — posting a suit in two different Workwear Reports. We featured a Theory suit jacket a couple of weeks ago, but at the time I didn’t realize that it was part of a suit. I love the other half, these electric pink pants — they’re really fun and have a flare leg that we’re seeing as a more trendy option right now. I would wear this with a red sweater or a red accent as well as neutrals like navy, white, and black. The pants, which are part of Theory’s new, environmentally-friendly “Good Wool” collection, are $295 at Nordstrom. They come in sizes 00–12 and are also available in black. Demetria 2 Flare Leg Good Wool Suit Pants

Here’s a more affordable option and a plus-size option.

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  1. Anonymous :

    You’d think I’d know the answer after 20+ yrs but it’s literally never happened — what can cause your period to be early? Ended up starting around 20 days when I’m usually around 28 or even more like 30-35 days. And I don’t recall ovulation or any PMS symptoms before which I usually have. No BC or gardening in a while. Only physical stress is totally unrelated — had a wisdom tooth out 20 days ago and ended up bleeding a lot so that recovery was more than expected; but not sure if that affects something like this. Always thought stress makes you late. Any cause for concern?

    • Anonymous :

      How old are you? You say 20+ years so I’m thinking you’re mid-thirties? If you’re over 35, it’s likely age related. It’s possible to get more frequent ovulation as you age. For some women, that results in more frequent periods, for others is means ovulating more than once a cycle. It’s why fraternal twins are more common in older women. Since I learned this and I’ve been off the pill, now that I’m over 35 -I suspect I ovulate twice a cycle – once quite early in the cycle and once a bit later. Think it as pre-pre menopause.

      • Ack! This scares me! Charting + condoms are our BC methods, but if I’m past my ovulation and “safe” we ditch the condoms.

        Granted, we’re down to gardening once per month anyway, but I can’t imagine having another baby. My kids are 12 and 7.

        • This is how people have surprise babies.

        • Anonymous :

          We were using this method. I was 42 and kids were 12 and 9. Finally got a vasectomy for DH.

          Unfortunately, the “early period” issue you describe resulted in a miscalculation of the “safe” (ha-ha) interval, which resulted in conception. Must have been approximately one week before the vasectomy.

          Start using another method NOW.

      • Agree with this but if the first time this happens is when the person has surgery in the same month and that surgery leads to excessive bleeding — I’d assume the obvious for at least 1-2 months– the body is recovering and stressed.

    • Perimenopause? PCOS? It’s probably just stress.

    • Anonymous :

      Stress always makes my period come early, nit late.

    • I would guess stress. I can see wisdom tooth surgery stressing your body enough to throw your cycle out of whack.

    • Anonymous :


      My period hates me, so if it can come early and ruin a trip, it will. It’s a once-in-every-five year thing, but comes with a vengance and I counter with a fresh bottle of Advil. It’s awful not to have regular supplies with you. And probably a suitcase of white pants.

      • Amen sister. My period is a freeloading you know what. She’s been on every vacation I’ve ever gone on. That a-hole never misses a chance to get in the ocean.

        • Anonymous :

          I now travel with a bright red makeup pouch of supplies. Started this after I got my period on an at-sea day on a cruise ship which had diapers and Depends, but no feminine products for sale. At any of the stores. Which I asked multiple times because they kept saying they would check the storage room. Finally a woman who worked on the ship took pity on me and gave me things from her purse, and I had a few things in a purse pouch, so the minute we got into a port, I sprinted to a store. Never again.

        • Hahaha! Thx for a much needed lol.

    • lost academic :

      Stress always makes me early.

  2. can we talk about Mueller? :

    Theories? Predictions? Good popcorn recipes to enjoy while simultaneously keeping our fingers very tightly crossed *and* working like crazy to elect Dems at the city and state level?

    • can we talk about Mueller? :

      Also, Kat, wearing these pants with a red sweater is a bold choice. Too Garanimals for me.

    • My jaded theory is that it will all be much ado about nothing. Not because there is nothing there but because nothing at the top will actually change. I’m not even optimistic that 2020 will make anything different.

      • can we talk about Mueller? :

        I was thinking about that this morning. A lot of people are citing the Virginia and New Jersey governor races as pivotal indicators of the 2018 elections–I hadn’t really considered what might happen if 2018, in defiance of both historic precedent *and* current opinions, resulted in more wins for the GOP. I had to stop myself thinking about it because it felt so bleak.

    • Manafort charged. :

      no big surprise here

    • Just read the Manafort indictment. It’s a great Monday and I’m not going to dwell on anything bad right now! It’s so good. Although, I also felt this way after reading the Steele dossier…oh man.

    • Remember that poor man who was literally hauled out of his house at 2 am because he and his YouTube videos made convenient scapegoats for Hillary’s epic screw up in Benghazi?

      Same stuff, different day.

    • Theory: if he is charged, he will be pardoned by Trump. If he perjures himself and denies collusion, Trump’s involvement, or whatever, he will still be pardoned by Trump. If Trump is charged with anything, he will temporarily step down for medical reasons, be pardoned by Pence, and then resume the presidency.

      I’m not an optimist when it comes to American politics.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        This is so scary.

      • If Trump “steps down” he will not resume the presidency. Pardoned by Pence, sure, but this is not a job you can take a break from (even for a BS medical reason) and return to. I don’t think he will ever resign or be impeached tho.

      • can we talk about Mueller? :

        The pardon concern is why Mueller has been working closely with New York attorneys–Trump doesn’t have parden power for anything other than a federal crime, and the New York offices are the experts on the (very likely and very widespread in Trumpistan) money laundering.

        • Anon for this :

          I’m hoping evidence comes out that Trump has already promised pardons to certain individuals to keep them from cooperating. That would be great evidence of obstruction, and I don’t think it’s outside of the realm of possibility that he’s making such promises.

          • I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility, but I think even Trump is smart enough not to put that in writing (especially with how often he has been sued). And if is his word against others, trump will just deny

  3. I’m a 3rd year Biglaw associate in a specialised litigation practice area, lateraled from a mid-sized law firm after the end of my 1st year because I got really lucky, there was an opening and I also had a senior from law school (who was working in the same department) back me up.

    Fast forward 1.5 years, the department is showing signs of distress. There was a huge restructuring in the department a couple of months ago, the equity partners split up into teams and I got assigned to a team headed by only one, relatively old equity partner (in his 60s). He leads a team of about 15 attorneys and it’s quite obvious that there’s not enough work to go around. My billable hours are terrible and I’ve been wasting around ever since my main trial matter settled in August, things picked up for a couple of weeks in between but it’s back to nothing again. It’s been too slow for too long, and it’s clearly a department-wide thing. Some days my roommate and I literally sit around counting down the hours till we can leave.

    There’s been no layoffs (or any word thereof, for that matter) so far, but on top of feeling like I’m gonna be let go any moment, it’s extremely boring and meaningless. This is coming from someone who billed a 2200 hour year in my first firm. There’s been a track record in the firm of people sitting around during tough times yet not being fired, and there’s not much of a panic in the firm yet, but I’ve been talking to recruiters trying to get my resume out there.

    I’ve an interview with another Biglaw firm tomorrow, it’s very likely going to be a pay decrease (current firm is a market leader). I’m feeling very conflicted about it – between sitting around waiting for things to become better at the current firm vs. getting out there and getting my hustle back, but at the risk of negatively affecting my resume, having only been in each law firm for a year-ish. I’m also feeling pretty depressed because it’s not supposed to be this way – I thought moving to Biglaw was the opportunity of the lifetime but it’s all very disappointing right now.

    Would love some advice from anyone who’s been through this situation!

    • Anonymous :

      If you get the other job – take it. Just bc your firm doesn’t have a history of firing when times are slow doesn’t mean it isn’t possible — my firm hadn’t done it in 20 yrs and then it did . . . . Plus as a 3rd yr your development is still important – you need to be at a place where you have a chance at writing briefs and taking depos or else before you know it you’ll be a 6th yr without this experience and having to lie about it in interviews to have a shot.

    • Anonymous :

      Take the new job if you get it. They won’t questions a jump from mid-law to Big-Law as Big-Law presumes everyone wants to be there. Firm restructure and slow work is a decent reason to move. Would try to get in at least 2-3 years at next firm before considering any more moves.

    • Sorry to ride on your post, but if you want to leave a firm because things are slow, is it acceptable to let that out to your interviewers? Assuming you’re looking to move to a position in the exact same practice area in another firm.

    • SF Lawyer :

      Where are you? In my experience, firms are hungry for talented third years. If you have decent chops in a decent-sized city, then you shouldn’t need to take a pay cut to get a new job. Signed, someone who is hiring for talented litigation midlevels AS WE SPEAK.

  4. anon for this :

    I’d like a reality check for an issue with my handyman. He’s done a lot of work for me at my house. He charges for materials plus an hourly rate. He recently completed a large project and part of the materials cost was for an expensive tool (think $500-range). My view is that if he expects me to pay for the tool, I am essentially purchasing it and it should be mine. He thinks that because it was necessary to finish the job, it’s part of the materials cost but wants to keep it for his use on future projects. In effect I am subsidizing a cost to his business. It’s a specialty tool that I wouldn’t use, but I have a friend who likely would buy it from me at a minor discount. I offered to pay for 10% of the cost but he is insisting I should pay the whole thing. His hourly rate charge includes the time to/from the store to purchase the tool.

    Am I off base here? He’s a good handyman and has done a lot of work for us in the past, and I’d like to give him business in the future here, but this is really rubbing me the wrong way.

    • Did you pay full price for the tool or did he charge you for only part of it? If you paid full price I agree you own the tool and he shouldn’t keep it.

      • anon for this :

        He is charging me for full price of the tool. I’ve offered to pay part of it but he is insisting that I should pay the full cost. (Haven’t paid anything yet; we are negotiating.)

    • Anonymous :

      If you are paying 100% for the tool then you should keep it. If you are paying 10-20% then it’s like a usage fee and he should keep it.

    • Puddlejumper :

      I personally think that he should have offered you the choice of renting the tool if its not a tool that you would have kept or that he owned. Expensive tools like that are often available to rent at a fraction of the cost.

      If it was not available to rent, then yes the tool is yours. He should not keep it. Just like how if he purchases wood to make shelves – the wood stays in your house.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Did he even tell you before he bought it?

      • Agree, most hardware stores also have tool rental. At $500, they definitely had the tool for rent. You might consider calling around to ask about renting the tool by the hour and offering to pay him whatever that would have cost instead. I don’t think it’s fair for you to pay 100% of the cost of this tool if he’s keeping it.

    • I’m a project manager for a contractor (caveat – industrial, not for consumers/individuals). I agree with you. If it’s a line item on his materials bid for the full cost of the expensive tool and he charged to for his time in buying it, you own that.

    • You pay materials costs because you own the materials after. A sink or roofing tiles are materials costs, and they are charged to you because you keep them.

      Inform him that as it is a materials cost, it is yours. If he insists on pushing the issue, call the BBB.

      • This may be technically correct, but I’d consider your relationship with the handyman – IME good ones are hard to come by, and depending on the scope of your project, do you want to go to war over a tool or risk losing his availability later?

        • I’d “go to war” over a tool and wouldn’t mind at all losing his availability later. OP is not just technically correct–it’s common sense and good ethics. The person who pays the full cost of the tool owns it.

          • YMMV, I wouldn’t depending on the availability of decent people to do this work. Where I am, its next to impossible to find good, available people and it’s worth considering when figuring out what to do.

        • He charged her $500 for an item that costs $500 and that he is keeping to use for other projects. In what world is he an ethical handyman? If she finds a handyman who overcharges her by $100, she’s found herself a better handyman.

        • Then you’re opening the door for him to do this again. If he knows he can get OP to finance his business, then he’ll start charging her for every tool he “needs” to work for her.

    • Why don’t you buy the tool yourself, let him use it for the job, and then sell it to your friend?

    • lost academic :

      I’m going to disagree. I think he should charge you something for the tool, whatever equipment recovery/rental rate is appropriate, but not the full cost of the tool. You had a specialized need and he acquired the equipment that allowed the work to be completed. If he’d already had said tool we could safely assume the rates would be a little higher to cover its purchase and potential upkeep cost. I would argue for a lower charge if you believe that he should have known before agreeing to that part of the work that the tool would be required. In my line of work we handle owned and rented equipment quite a bit and have agreed-upon rates for these things ahead of time. I do not agree that you get to keep the tool.

      • But you’re agreeing with what she’s saying – if she doesn’t keep the tool, then she doesn’t pay full cost – she pays some rental rate/partial cost amount. He’s the one insisting that she pay full cost + he keeps tool.

        • lost academic :

          Correct, he is wrong on that score. But I don’t think there’s any realistic scenario where she would keep the tool. I would really guess this is more of a negotiation tactic on his part.

          Also I will say that I don’t think $500 cost for a tool definitely means you can rent it. Rental on tools and other equipment tends to be based on how often the equipment can/will be rented out to recover cost in a certain timeframe, and of course overall cost: cheaper stuff tends to be harder to find to rent because people just buy it.

    • Can’t you just buy the tool yourself, let the handyman use it for the job, then sell it to your friend, so that there is no option for the handyman to keep it for himself?

    • What is the tool?

      How does he explain his demand that you pay for the whole thing? Does it have a very limited life-span?

      There could be a reasonable explanation.

      A good handyman is worth his weight in gold. I have never found one.

      • “A good handyman is worth his weight in gold.”
        This! You can have a moral victory or you can get your work done. In matters of home repair, I vote for the latter.

      • Is somebody who is overcharging you for tools for his professional use a “good” handyman? Do you want to keep having to have this fight? Because it seems like that’s what’s in store for you…

        • Yeah, I value quality but I also don’t like being taken advantage of. Would a man say “sure, I’ll pay for the whole thing and you keep the tool!” My father would would call out the bu11sh!t immediately.

        • Anonymous :

          Until she gives more specifics and answers the questions, I’m not sure if he is a good handyman or not.

          Of course, being a good handyman includes not being taken advantage of.

    • Are you in a higher economic group? Is he Spanish speaking? Why dont you just give him the tool :)

  5. DH has $40 left on a Nordstrom gift card that he’s not going to use and gave to me to use this morning to round out his order. :) What do you buy?

    • Anonymous :

      For $40, probably a makeup item like a fancy lipstick.

    • Kiehls body lotion or hand lotion because its becoming winter and my skin is getting dryer
      really cozy wool socks
      Winter scarf
      Winter hat
      Winter mittens
      nice tights
      Hair ties
      Nail Polish

    • Anonymous :

      Cashmere gloves

    • I ended up spending a little bit more and getting these rainboots – https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/sam-edelman-tinsley-rain-boot-women/4381906?origin=keywordsearch&keyword=5190440

      While I really want all the winter things right now – cashmere glove sand a new winter hat sound perfect! – we’re moving to Florida in a few months so I’m really trying to not buy all the sweaters and winter gear. It’s hard because Wisconsin is getting cold! But I’ll definitely need rainboots in Florida, so I was practical and got what I’d need in the long run.

  6. Kevin Spacey :

    I’m disappointed that the big news is that Kevin Spacey came out, not that he’s a sexual predator. It’s been the rumour in Hollywood for years that he’s gay and likes young boys – like Weinstein, it’s one of those things that everybody knew about and nobody said anything.

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve only seen one item on this so not sure about the whole rumor mill bit, but it seems to me that right now you have an accusation that is decades old and he says he doesn’t remember any such incident. I am not saying I don’t believe it but I do think this is a little different than the Weinstein situation or some of the other ones where multiple people come out saying similar things. Not justifying it if it’s true but at some point there is also something to be said for not assuming that every accusation is a fact.

      • Anonymous :

        Attitudes like yours are why more people don’t report sexual assaults.

        • +1000

          This has been an open secret forever. Just because you’ve apparently been under a rock and haven’t heard it doesn’t make it not true.

        • Anonymous :

          Yeah, no. Attitudes like yours are why presumption of innocence is a thing.

      • Innocent until proven guilty…but when the accused puts out a statement of apology padded with a couple of excuses for his behavior, he’s admitting his guilt. Even worse, he’s trying to twist the story to make himself look like a victim.

        While I share your concern that we shouldn’t be quick to believe every accusation that hits the media, the Spacey accusation isn’t the right battle for that.

        Also, the two anons above me were completely obnoxious to you. #discussionwins

    • No surprise here :

      as an avid Hollywood/gossip follower, I’m shocked that people are surprised by this? Spacey has been gay for a very long time. And I think for a similarly long time, people have confirmed that he’s a creep – both of age and younger men.

      again with the ole’ #yesallmen

      • Anonymous :

        Most of us aren’t avid gossip followers. I think many many people are shocked.

      • +1

        I’m a casual gossip blog reader and I had definitely seen bits and pieces over the years hinting that Spacey was gay but also known for harassing guys.

        Like Weinstein, I’m saddened to learn it’s true but not surprised.

      • +1. My husband waited tables for a few years, and his coworker said he was fondled by Kevin Spacey.

        • same anon here–To clarify, Kevin Spacey groped the co-worker while co-worker was waiting on Kevin Spacey’s table. I miss the edit button.

    • Maudie Atkinson :

      Same. I read his statement as saying, in effect, “I don’t remember this, but it’s totally plausible. Now I’m going to blame this on an alcohol problem.” The fact that he seems to be acknowledging that it’s plausible suggests that Anthony Rapp wasn’t the only one.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      The thing I really do not like about Kevin Spacey’s response is the obvious deflection. Like “oh yeh, maybe that happened. In order to keep you from discussing it further, I will now throw you an alternate gossip mill bone by publicly acknowledging for the first time that I am gay” (insert a little “that should hold them over” thought bubble emoji).

      • +1

        • Never too many shoes... :

          Apparently Jezebel is also in agreement as they have the following headline “Kevin Spacey Dodges Allegations of Sexual Advances Toward a Minor By Coming Out”.

      • Agreed and this is the take I’ve seen from most outlets. I haven’t seen any “Kevin Spacey comes out” headlines except ABC had one and promptly deleted it.

    • There’s been lots of rumors about him liking young guys, but he’s in his 50s. Young in that context could easily mean college/early 20s and that’s all I’ve ever heard before. The 14 year old stuff is totally new to me.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        This allegation relates to an incident that happened when Spacey was 26 years old, not his present age.

        • Yes, I know. But I’m talking about the rumors over the last 10-20 years that Spacey likes them young and male. It’s not a shock to me at all that he’s gay or that he prefers men significantly younger than himself. But the allegation that he once made a pass at a 14 year old is not something I ever saw reported, even in the tabloids, and I follow Hollywood gossip probably too closely.

      • The Artist Formerly Known As :

        Actually I agree. Even reading the Gawker email stories and the rumours etc. they are always about him hitting on younger men and inviting them to parties and trying to seduce them – they are not rape allegations and they are not by 14-year-olds. Actually a lot of them end with “and then I declined and left”. This one is completely new and shocking.
        It is not very productive to say being accused of attempted child rape isn’t surprising because the alleged perpetrator has a history of hitting on younger men who are still adults.

  7. Ugh -- leaking while running :

    I am not a runner. I do play tennis (and am largely issue-free with that). I have a 5K that I have to do to support a friend (and we’re a team, so I can’t back out). I have started to practice running (couch to 5K) to get ready for this and it seems that no matter what I do, I am a leaky runner. Not awful; a pantyliner (or something) should help handle. We’re running in leggings-type underwear, so it’s not like I could wear depends (etc.) even if I could get the courage to buy that. If we go out to celebrate post 5K, I’d want to change (from potty training my children (two v-deliveries, >7 years ago for youngest), I know that the stink will ripen sooner if not later).

    Any hints / tricks? Will this ultimately improve over time with more running (like something has gotten lax that will get toned back up)?

    • Anonymous :

      Short term – There’s a tampon like product out now that might help. It’s worn in the va-na (trying to avoid mod), and it supports the bladder in a closed position. Or thin maxipad + change pad after race in washroom.

      Longer term – pelvic floor phyisotherapy

    • See your doctor! My doctor tells me how the new pee panties are such a blessing/curse. 1) It is finally making this a topic that women feel comfortable talking about and admitting that they have but 2) It makes women feel like “this is normal” after kids and that there is no solution.

      There are solutions. You shouldn’t be leaking that long after your deliveries. Go ask your doctor about it, but in the mean time get yourself some pairs of Icon Pee Panties.

    • 37, no kids, former leaky runner/sneezer/laugher, etc.

      Pelvic floor therapy FTW!

    • Anonymous :

      Go to your doctor and get an rx for physical therapy. There may be a lot you can do fix the problem just by doing the right exercises. I got PT following my second delivery, mostly because I asked for it specifically. I am amazed doctors don’t look out for their patients better on this front.

      • Ugh -- leaking while running :

        Is this something that you get from an OB/GYN? Or just any old doctor? No one has ever mentioned it (outside of this site). It’s not so exotic that the doctors would not know what to do with it, is it? And is there a way to pre-check that there might be practitioners of this near me (and any good way to check on that)? I have friends who are PTs who have never mentioned this and they talk shop all the time (so I am thinking that this is maybe not something that all PTs do).

        • It’s not exotic at all. Call you gyn make an appointment to discuss incontinemce,request PT.

        • Where are you located? Someone may be able to recommend a practice in your area. Pelvic floor PT is actually prescribed by doctors in France as standard postpartum care and is only slowly becoming better known here. OBs are great at organs, not great at muscles and childbirth is hard on muscles. Not all PTs do it, it’s a specialization – look for references to ‘women’s health’ on a clinic website.

          If you’re in California, I’ve heard good things about https://www.pelvicpainrehab.com/

          • Ugh -- leaking while running :

            Thanks — I’m on the wrong coast. [And I don’t have pain at all. Does that rule me out?] Also, is it possible that this is a DIY thing that you could do with any sort of order-on-Amazon book? My 5K is before xmas, so not sure how long it takes to fix / if I’d even get in and any treatment in by then (EOY work schedule is extra-brutal).

          • I think they have an east coast office too – not sure. No, you don’t need pain. The leaking is the sign that the muscle are weak. I saw improvement after only a couple of office visits – they teach you daily exercises to do at home. It’s worth it to be seen by a professional PT. Depending on your specific situation different exercises may be needed. I was much weaker on my right side than my left hip area so if I had done exercises from a book that didn’t account for that, it wouldn’t have improved as quickly.

        • Anon in NYC :

          You’d probably want a referral to a urogynocologist. It’s a sub specialty of urology and gyn. That doctor can do an eval and will (likely) recommend PT.

          • Is American healthcare that complicated that you need a referral to another doctor before physio? You can’t just book a physio appointment and bill your insurance?

          • I don’t know that it’s necessarily insurance-related but medicine is just complicated now in general. If I can get something at the drug store, I’d prefer that to the time waste going in for an eval to get a referral to get on the list to go in for an eval for eventually getting into the queue for treatment. [I had something that I had to go to an ENT for and it was such a giant time-suck it was crazy (I am in BigLaw; all doctors seem to be a car trip to the suburbs]. A year or two later, it was “oh, this is what is really wrong with you; it’s X and not Y after all”.] If it’s not something awful and can’t be cured by anything OTC / standard antibiotic, I usually just carry on without a doctor. Like TV legal proceedings, I prefer TV medical proceedings, where things are diagnosed, escalated, and treated all within the hour.

          • @Anonymous, yes, in most cases you have to get a referral for physical therapy in the US. It’s moronic. My boyfriend works in PT and regularly b*tches about how stupid it is.

          • Yes, you need to be seen by an MD first perform referral to PT in the US. There ar multiple good reasons for this.

            Do you have non-specific back pain, or cancer that has metastasized to the spine? A doctor needs to assess you first before you go diagnosing yourself. My mom had cancer to the spine, so…

            We have a zillion different insurance plans that have different requirements for coverage of PT. so a PT does not want to start treating you unless they know they will be paid. So it needs to be established that PT is medically necessary, with the appropriate diagnoses and assessments done by a doctor first. It is what it is.

            The vast majority of PTs do not do pelvis floor rehab, so it would not occur to them to recommend it. And yes – Europe is way ahead of us in treatment for this issues. Too many women accept these symptoms as part of aging, when doctors should be helping and are poor about referring for treatment.

            OP – I would see a PT. You don’t have to go through a bunch of visits if you don’t want to, but you need to be sure you are doing the exercises correctly, so I’d go for at last a few visits for instruction and feedback, and then return in a few weeks for input.

          • Anon @ 10:42, physical therapist here to chime in. It is legal in all 50 states to see a physical therapist WITHOUT a prescription from a physician. Physical therapists are trained in differential diagnosis and should know when it is medically necessary to refer to a physician.

            However, start by calling your insurance because they may dictate that a referral is required.

            Use this tool to locate a women’s health PT in your area:

          • My insurance plan doesn’t require a referral/Rx.

          • Sadly, a local young woman was diagnosed with metastasized lung cancer (nonsmoker) she had been treating her back pain with PT and “strengthening her core” for almost a year when her cancer had already eaten through a vertebra. Not sure if earlier diagnosis would have saved her life but it could not have hurt.

        • My dr recommended that I try the “Elvie” as a first step. It’s helped. I didn’t try to get it covered by insurance, just ordered it online.

        • Full of ideas :

          I always deal with my GYN for this stuff.

      • 9.45 poster here. It’s not exotic, but it is something for which you’ll want a PT who specializes in this. There is a rather large PT office in the suburban DC hospital affiliated with my OBGYN practice, and they had a few specialists. I got the rx from my OBGYN.

    • I was prescribed 50 mg magnesium for something unrelated, but it’s completely solved this problem for me.

    • Definitely get a referral to a pelvic floor PT specialist. Also, running is going to make things worse until your pelvic floor is stronger. It is just putting pressure on your pelvic floor muscles which weakens things even more. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but I thought I would mention it.

      • Ugh -- leaking while running :

        No worries — I don’t really like running, so I’m just doing a fund-raising 5K b/c a friend has a team doing it. Any excuse to quit once this is done :)

        Although it is probably good to get this fixed — would hate if I became a leaky tennis player (and I do have to clench before sneezing sometimes, so at some point I will mistime that too). UGH.

        • Also, you asked upthread about self-help. I got the program Restore Your Core–it will help a ton w/ pelvic floor issues. It is pricey, but completely worth it. I’ve found it more helpful than PT (which I don’t intend as a dig on PT–that’s been helpful too!). It also has a helpul, supportive private/closed facebook group. I’m not affiliated in any way, just a user who likes it.

    • This is called stress incontinence and is very common. PT helps many women improve, but there are other options if that doesn’t work. I had surgery to correct it and have no regrets – it was life changing for me. I would start with a doctor – ideally urogynecologist, your regular gyn can recommend someone – to make sure nothing else is going on and that you get treated appropriately.

    • Related note- I suffered from urge incontinence (sudden uncontrollable urge to pee) from the time I was a child till I was 30, at which point I finally confided in my PCP after my husband had grown tired of my constant “I need to pee” interruptions. She said its extremely common, not related to weight or childbirth (as I feared), and referred me to a urologist. He saw me for 5 min, determined its urge not stress (sudden urge, not triggered by sneezing or running or whatever). He wrote me a script (Oxybutoynin), and its changed my life. That was 3 years ago. Please do see a doctor for either form. Life is too short to worry about peeing yourself. I wish I’d done it sooner!

    • anon for this :

      Short term – since I read your race is before Christmas, try the Poise brand of pads/liners. Works better than the regular type of feminine protection because it’s designed for this issue. More protection and absorption, better odor control. Then see a PT. :)

    • maybe try the Elvie?

    • Late post, but The Art of Control, a book by my PT is fabulous (as is she)! On Amazon and Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/Art-Control-Womans-Guide-Bladder/dp/1514124742

  8. Reviews of Rothy’s and Allbirds??

    I need comfortable shoes for my metro commute and for chasing my kid around on the weekends. I’m thinking Rothy’s for the commute and Allbirds for the weekends. Any thoughts on comfort and durability of those two brands? They’re both a little more than I’d usually spend, but I really need to start prioritizing comfort, so I’m willing to pay more for a good product. Thanks!

    • Also looking at Keds in the boat shoe style, if anyone has/loves those. I love the look of Sperry boat shoes, but the toe box must be too narrow for me because every pair I’ve tried seems to pinch.

    • I like my Rothys, but to truly be the perfect running around/commuting shoe for me, I’d need to be able to put an insole in them, and for the life of me I can’t find one that works.

      • can we talk about Mueller? :

        I adore my Rothys, but only after putting in a nice Dr. Scholl’s foam insole (cut to size and in place of the Rothys insole).

        • I’ll have to try that. I’ve had trouble getting any of the insoles I’ve tried to fit – even with cutting, the ultimate structure of the insole is too wide to fit.

          • can we talk about Mueller? :

            I literally traced the Rothys insole on the Dr. Scholls so that the shape was exact.

      • Rothys are so cute but if your feet tend to sweat they will stink to high heaven in those shoes (because they’re some sort of synthetic, not leather). I have tried putting them in the washing machine a few times, the smell still lingers. Really disappointed.

    • Anonymous :

      Allbirds are light years more comfortable than Keds. I have been a huge Keds fan for decades, but now when I want real comfort, I wear my Allbirds. I don’t think you’ll regret buying them!

      • I recently checked out the Allbirds store in NYC. Not doubting the comfort, but they seem very thin, more like wool socks than shoes. Do you think they will stretch out? I feel like this could make them less comfortable – loose baggy shoes seem like they wouldn’t be so great for walking around in.

    • Veronica Mars :

      Allbirds are the most comfortable shoes ever. Get them!

    • Anonymous :

      I like my Allbirds for errands, running around with a kid, etc.

      I want to like Rothy’s, but they just don’t seem to want to stay on my feet (and yes I’m wearing the correct size!). I once lost one running across an intersection before the light changed… no more wearing them to commute for me.

    • wardrobe oxygen recently did an unsponsored review of Rothy’s you might want to check out.

    • I considering getting a pair of Allbirds for my daytime walking shoe on a trip to France next year. We will be in Paris a couple days, then its the Loire and Burgundy. Are the Allbirds dressy enough? Or do I need to spring for something more in the oxford/bootie area?

    • Piggyback questions – I wear an 8.5 usually, does it make sense to size up or down in the Allbirds? Also, I need arch support, how are they for that?

      • I’d say medium arch support – probably sufficient for all but the most picky person (which is me). I only wear mine for short-medium distance walking, although I ended up walking about 6 miles in them on vacation and it turned out fine. I have the slip-on ones, so the lace-up style might be a bit more structured/supportive. I have narrow feet and should have sized down, but I think most people should size up from half sizes.

    • I have and like Rothy’s, but I had to size up (I usually wear an 8.5-9, and had to get a 9.5). I don’t have a problem with stink, as long as I wash them reasonably frequently – once/month during the summer, less during the winter. I prefer barefoot-style shoes, so the thin insole is not an issue for me, but it’s definitely a feature of the shoe; if you want cush, you’ll have to put in an aftermarket insole.

    • Rothys are basically cute, office-appropriate slippers. They are not good for walking any distance.

    • Thanks for all of the great feedback! Several of you have talked me out of Rothy’s and into the Allbirds. This has been very helpful!

    • I adore my Allbirds, but they wear out incredibly fast. I want $100 shoes to last longer than a few months.

    • I think I have pretty “normal” feet – I ordered two pairs of Rothy’s (one in round toe and one I pointy toe – the only two styles they make and both pinched my big toe. Super bummer!)

  9. Vicarious Shopping :

    Going to northern Italy (Milan, Genova, Turin) for the week of Thanksgiving. Booties or tall boots? Leather or suede? Black, cognac or gray? What else would you pack?

    • Last year I spent Christmas in Venice and I basically lived in wool midi skirts, sweaters, tights, and tall boots. It was too cold for booties given that I was spending a lot of time outside. My stuff was all in shades that coordinated with black just bc that was easier from a packing perspective.

    • Booties. To early and potentially too warm to be limit to walking all day in tall boots.

      Weather proof leather is probably safest, as it will rain.

      Black of course. What is your color palate?

      A trench with a warm liner. Umbrella.
      Fabulous scarf/cashmere throw for warmth.

    • Pick a color pallette – either black as a base or grey/brown as a base, choose shoes and accessories from there. I don’t wear much black so I’d do the following: in shades of navy/yellow/burgundy/army green
      Shoes – Boots in grey suede (waterproofed), dressy flats in a fun color (burgundy, yellow, navy or pink), sneakers/shoes you can run around or work out in.
      Pants – jeans in dark blue & grey, leggings in grey&navy
      Tops/dresses – tunic and or asweatshirt dress for flights, 2 dressy-ish blouses, thin sweater, heavy sweater, 1 nice jersey dress
      Assorted undies/socks/pj’s and 2 scarves for layering. Depending on weather forecast would either take a wool coat and pack an umbrella, or take a waterproof rain jacket.

    • Booties + tall socks just in case :D

  10. Lana Del Raygun :

    What are all of y’alls favorite opaque leggings and yoga pants? I just want plain black ones for casual wear, not for working out. I’m very paranoid about transparency. (I’m sure this has been discussed before, but the search thinks “leggings” and “tights” and “pantyhose” are all synonyms, so I’m having trouble digging anything up.)

    • Veronica Mars :

      Zara has wonderful leggings that are super thick and resemble ponte pants more than leggings. I have the “contrast side leggings” (faux leather up the side) and they are super comfortable and nice for casual wear.

    • Lululemon wunder under’s are amazing. Zella highwaisted (the other versions roll down). Uniqlo heattech extra warm are opaque, super thin, and very comfy.

      • +1 for Zella highwaisted. I think these are identical if not better than the wunderunders, and at about half the price.

        • anon a mouse :

          Another vote for Zella.
          Costco has some decent Zella knockoffs that are pretty opaque too.

        • I have a lot of leggings. Zellas are good for the price but will look shabby in a few months if you wear them a lot this winter. Lululemon wunder unders in “full-on luon” don’t. My Zellas are the ‘backup’ ones I reach for when my LLL’s are dirty or in the wash. So, are you someone like me who wears the same stuff over and over again? You might wish you sprung for the better pair or else feel like you have to replace your Zellas come February.

          I agree, however, that both are opaque but I always test anyway.

          • I disagree with this actually…I have multiple pairs of highwaisted Zellas and mine are still looking good and I wear them all the time.

            May have to do with washing? I only wash mine on cold, and I hang dry.

          • I disagree with this actually…I have multiple pairs of highwaisted Zellas and mine are still looking good after a year plus and I wear them all the time.

            May have to do with washing? I only wash mine on cold, and I hang dry.

          • another who disagrees with this… I have a few pairs that are several years old. But like the other commenter, I wash on cold (though I do throw them in the dryer). I wear mine a lot too.

          • Zellas made several years ago are indestructible and do not roll down. Newer versions use a different fabric that is not nearly so good.

          • Dunno, I wash all my leggings together – cold, no fabric softener, hang dry. Note that this is specific to the “full-on luon” only. Other LLL’s have various issues, but the full on luon wunder unders have far outlasted my Zellas, and I probably wear them twice as much because they still look great (I will wear them working out and casually). They still look great whereas my Zellas pill and the fabric is just a little more awkward – it bunches more in the cr0tch – and the high waisted ones have more seams up top and suddenly a legging feels more bulky. Just my experience!

    • Athleta leggings in the “powervita” fabric.

      • Athleta have also started doing ‘street tights’ which as far as I can tell are slightly thicker leggings with pockets. I haven’t tried them yet but I’m going to go in store this week and give them a go. I love my regular Athleta yoga tights (I have three different pairs) which are all thick and wear and wash like iron.

    • I’m not a lover of the Zella leggings, despite several attempts trying to love them since they work so well for so many others. My favorite leggings all come from Fabletics. The Salar leggings are made for my body – they fit perfectly. I just got another pair of highwaisted ones (Aloni High) that are the first pair of highwaisted ones that I’ve really liked.

      It’s a little annoying since you have to sign up for the monthly subscription service to get the best price, but I just have an alarm go off on my phone on the first of every month to go to the website and skip the month charge.

    • Pale Girl Snorkeling :

      I’ve gotten a couple of pair of leggings from Chicos and they are both thick and lasting. Not a chance of any see through with these

    • Gap has great ponte leggings for NOT workout which are really comfortable and opaque

    • Mrs. Jones :

      Zella leggings are def not see-through. Mine have held up well.

    • Lucy Activewear, all sizes, all shapes, all cuts/heights/lengths. I love their highwaisted, longer-than-my-legs ones.

      • +1, I have a pair of Lucy cropped yoga pants that I bought in law school almost 10 years ago. They have gotten heavy wear every since and still look brand new. They have also fit regardless of many weight fluctuations. Well worth the price.

    • OldNavy (active wear section) occasionally carries a legging that’s about 50% cotton, the rest man-made threds. There’s usually a bootleg and a straight leg version. They are usually called a “yoga” legging. I get them every year. I love them. I’ve purchased more expensive brands over the years – not worth it to me.

  11. Hair dryer? :

    Any recommendations for a good drug store hair dryer? My trusty orange pro-ionic something or other that I got at TJ Maxx years ago gave up the ghost this morning, so I am attempting to dry my hair in front of my office space heater. Yay Monday!

  12. Masters Application :

    To those of you who work in admissions and higher ed I need advice. The professor I worked with during my undergrad to write my thesis and as a research assistant recently passed. The school I am applying for my masters at has a strict email reference only policy, so I can’t send in a letter he wrote before he died. I have plenty of professional references, but no academic ones. I admittedly shouldn’t have put all my eggs in one academic basket but I don’t really know what to do. Is there a tactful way to explain my only academic reference died? Also I’m personally crushed as he inspired me to do great things and be who I am today.

    • Contact the school and ask what their policy is in this situation. They may accept something emailed from the Department head confirming a previous reference that he provided. (presumably if they can access his files, they can confirm that he previously provided the reference for you).

      • Masters Application :

        He was 65 and did everything via paper.

        • But they would still have his paper files no? He likely kept a folder of recommendations he had written. Pretty common for profs.

        • I would contact the school you’re applying to, explain the situation, and ask for guidance.

          So sorry for your loss.

    • Alternative advice – I would contact one of the other faculty members in that department and discuss the situation, and possibly share his reference with them so that they can write a letter on your behalf if they are willing. If it was a doctoral program this might not work, but for a Masters it should. You want them to verify his testimony about you (which they can do as his colleague), as well as speak to the rigor of your undergraduate major/program.

      • Yes – I work in higher ed admissions at the grad level. Our rec policy is not as strict as what you are describing, but I have read rec letters from a colleague on behalf of someone who had passed. They would clearly state the relationship (i.e., “I knew this student but did not advise him, however my colleague who passed last year knew him well and advised him. His notes are reflective of a positive relationship and great work ethic from the student blah blah blah.”). This isn’t super common but definitely something I have seen before. You may want to contact your old prof’s department chair to see if they can recommend someone else to write the email rec letter.

      • +1 This is odd to say but I know several people who have had this happen – that is, their advisor passed away. Granted this was in grad school, not undergrad. The solution was to have someone else write a letter. I’m sorry for your loss. Mentors are very special people.

        I am an academic and get lots of requests to write recommendations for students with whom I’ve only had one class. If you know someone in the same department as your advisor with whom you took a class your senior year and did well, I would reach out to them. Did anyone else read your thesis? At many institutions, there are multiple readers for undergrad theses. This night be a good solution. Alternatively, you could ask the department chair for one – although YMMV depending on if you took a class with them.

      • Yes, do this. If someone else in the department can get access to a letter he wrote previously, she can write for you. The letter will say something like, ‘Masters Application took one class with me and did fine. However, she was a protege of my late colleague, Dr. X. I know that Dr. X thought extremely highly of her and her work. In his own words, he described her as [lengthy quotation.]’

  13. ADHD or anxiety :

    I recently realized I have some challenges that are likely adult ADHD, persistent anxiety or a combination of both. I think I could probably benefit from medication as well as therapy. How do I find someone to help? Can a regular therapist prescribe meds?

    Also open to recommendations in downtown DC or northern VA, if anyone has them.

    • A regular therapist like an LCSW licensed clinical social worker does not prescribe meds but likely can refer you to a psychiatrist who would evaluate you in different ways (sometimes just a talk session or questionnaire) and follow-up with you. Sometimes it takes awhile to get the dosage right. Start with your general physician or OBGYNE for a referral, at least.

    • In general, therapists do not prescribe medications unless ey are also MDs / psychiatrists.

      However, many therapists work closely with psychiatrists that they refer you to for prescriptions and assessment, when appropriate.

      Have you seen your PCP yet to discuss this? Or have you started seeing a therapist yet? That is where I would start. It is not appropriate for a PCP alone to diagnosis and treat this problem, but they should be able to refer you to a psychiatrist and/or possibly a therapist or clinic to start your assessment.

    • Yes, take thee to your PCP. They will often talk to you about a general diagnostic test based on your responses to questions and give you a frontline medicine while referring you to a psychologist/psychiatrist. I had ADHD symptoms with mild depression, and the doctor prescribed a medicine that helps with many different mood/performance disorders and it worked wonders, but also under recommendation to seek a CBT therapist to try to wean off in 6 mths to a yr.

  14. There was a recent article, I think in the NYTimes, about how ADHD in adults is likely depression or anxiety most of the time. You might want to read that before you find a therapist, although one can always benefit you anyway. I have a friend in the same boat and she had to get her original prescription from a psychiatrist, but then she has been able to get it transferred and refilled by her PCP.

  15. Need menu help :

    Maybe 12 people coming over 7 pm on Thursday. No alcohol. Is it ok to serve 2 “heavy appetizers” and 2 desserts? and that’s it? Can fruit salad be a dessert? I am thinking 1 black bean dip and corn chips, but what is the other appetizer? Does veggie tray count as a heavy appetizer?

    Alternate – could I NOT serve fruit or veggie tray?

    Thoughts? thanks.

    • What is the event?

    • To me, 7pm is sort of a dinner-ish time (for the US – if you’re in Spain, all bets are off). What you’re describing sounds to me more like what I’d expect for cocktail hour (minus the desserts)! What’s the event and what have you put on the invite?

      • +1. I’d do at least one dish that’s more of an entree. Veggie lasagna, taco bar, etc.

        Fruit salad can definitely be a dessert.

        I don’t think of a veggie tray as a “heavy” appetizer, but I think it’s fine if you serve an entree. If you stick to heavy appetizers, could you do cheese for one of them? I can’t tell from your menu suggestions if you’re vegetarian or vegan or neither.

        • Need menu help :

          Thank you! taco bar might be a good idea, too, but probably not for this event (that’s a lot of setup! Will add these to the file. Thank you!

          I don’t think anyone in the crowd is a vegan but there is at least one vegetarian so I try to provide options.

          Thank you!

    • Veronica Mars :

      Do you have access to a trader joe’s, fresh market or whole foods?

      • Need menu help :

        Oh yeah. I guess we’re near Whole Foods. Still don’t know what’s worth the $.

        • Veronica Mars :

          They have very nice platter options–look at those if they’re in your budget. Most people forget about grocery store catering but it’s often very cost effective and easy (Publix also has excellent sandwich catering options as well).

    • No. That’s dinner time. People will be coming straight from work hungry. A veggie tray in no way shape or form is a heavy appetizer- obviously? Neither is black bean dip and chips. Like, not even a little bit, not close.

      • Need menu help :

        OK, Anon at 10:29 – I too will be coming from work and with three kids. So if you do have positive suggestions rather than just tearing mine down, that’d be great. Kthxbai

        • Sure! Order a bunch of pizza! Buy quiches the day before, stick in an oven when you get home, serve with salad! Make a crock pot full of veggie chili to come home to! Serve a massive cheese board, with meats, and breads, and hummus, and dip, and let people go to town on make your own sandwiches!

          For sweets, buy a plate of cookies and one of brownies at the super market.

          • +1

            the positive suggestion is that you need to serve more, heartier food

          • Need menu help :

            Thank you, very helpful!
            I think I’m starting a file of “easy menu plans for weeknight get-togethers” at the very least.
            I’ve done vegan chili before with a toppings bar – that IS a good idea…

          • Veronica Mars :

            Also consider a baked potato bar. It’s vegan and you can add non-vegan topping options like cheese, grilled chicken or bacon bits, etc.

        • Anonymous :

          I’m not the person you’re responding to but – you asked a question and she provided an answer. Much better to hear a matter-of-fact response from an internet stranger days before your event than from your hangry guests who thought you were inviting them over for dinner but nope actually here’s some dip and veggies that y’all can crowd around and fight to the death over. Just don’t set out toothpicks, someone will get stabbed.

    • Need menu help :

      It’s a religious event. Say, 20 minutes of prayers/readings/songs, 20 minutes of organizational/administrative, and then the rest is “fellowship”. It is not designated vegetarian, but there may be some vegetarians. The religious rules proscribe vegetarian.

      I guess I could add pigs-in-a-blanket. Everyone loves those.

      • Is this a thing that rotates around to different hosts? What do people usually do?

        • Need menu help :

          I don’t usually go on the weeknights. I go on the weekends when I have more time and people are more showy. We’ve hosted on Sunday evenings before, and before on weeknights but now I’m working FT so I’m trying to downscale it while still being adequate. We won’t get kicked out if we do it poorly (darn. I was kind of hoping, ha…)

          • Don’t volunteer if it’s such a burden to host!

            Can you just get a tray of deli sandwiches catered?

          • Need menu help :

            The burden of interfaith relationships slash the things we do for our partners….
            I do think deli sandwiches will be happening. Thanks!

          • This is your partner’s crowd? Then your partner can feed them. Aiyiyi.

          • A hearty cheese/meats platter with lots of different breads/crackers, olives, etc.

            Get a bunch of dips and different kinds of chips

            you can have a make your own sandwiches – bread, condiments, different meats, cheeses and then buy some coleslaw or bagged salad

      • Veronica Mars :

        Yes, food is expected at a fellowship event unless you are explicit in it and it’s a reoccurring thing (like, a bible study where it’s understood the host isn’t providing food). If you say, “no dinner provided, light snacks only” then that’s fine.

        Ideas for easy snacks–I mentioned trader joes because they have a huge frozen appetizer selection you can cook up. Whole Foods/Fresh Market also have great catering departments where you can order platters. If it’s christian religious, a chik fil a nugget platter is always a hit (and they also can do a chicken salad sandwich plate as well). If you don’t want to spend a lot, do a big chili (veggie or not) with cornbread or sourdough (jiffy cornbread mix is impossible to mess up).

        • Anon Christian :

          Is this a joke? “If its christian religious, a chik fil a nugget platter is always a hit.” Whaaat?? All Christians eat meat, like chicken, like chick fila, don’t object to the CEO’s views, etc.?

          I do agree that you need to provide dinner-type food.

          • Yeah hard hard pass.

          • Veronica Mars :

            Chik fil as are often gathering places for these types of events that the OP is hosting.

          • +1

            If someone catered Chik-a-fil to my Episcopalian pro-choice, pro-gay marriage prayer group, I would seriously question if they truly understood our Christian values. Love not hate.

          • Christian vegetarian here, with a lot of Christian friends who are also vegetarian. Lay off the stereotypes.

        • Love Jiffy cornbread and agree it’s impossible to mess up, but it’s not vegetarian. There is (at least as of a year ago) lard in the ingredient list.

          • they make a vegetarian version! It has a green band at the top that says vegetarian. (the regular has lard although it’s delicious)

      • Okay, so it sounds like it’s not a dinner party, it’s just snacks after the main event. Two apps + two desserts sound great. Fruit salad, veggie tray, chip/dip, crackers and cheese plate, and you’re done.

        • Need menu help :

          This is very helpful, Anon at 10:38. THANK YOU.

          • So, you just want people to agree with you then?

          • Anon 10:38 :

            No, she was asking people if they think it’s enough food. I do think it’s enough food because it sounds like it is a snacks/coffee after main event thing vs a dinner party. Others seem to think it’s a dinner party.

          • Need menu help :

            I’ve responded to people below and I’m sure I’ll respond to more! Thank you for all your insight! she said sarcastically.

          • It may not be a dinner party but it is at dinnertime and I just don’t like people leaving my home hungry after I’ve served them food. OP, you mentioned ‘the things we do for our partner’ – ask your husband to help you! Whether that is helping with childcare and preparing the night before so that you can do things beforehand or whatever works for you both. If he isn’t asking his coworkers for a recipe that will be easy to make and fill people up, then he isn’t feeling the same burden that you are and shouldn’t be signing you both up for this during the weekdays.

            And on your point, if it was a vegetable tray at 7pm after something, I’d be leaving your house hungry and probably be itching to get out so I can go get a burger. Truly fast options -order pizza but supermarket catering would be a great idea, too. Sandwiches, taco bar, deli platters (meat and cheese and breads/spreads), lasagna or a serve-yourself pasta could work, too.

        • lost academic :

          But is there dinner at said main event? I didn’t see that there was. It also sounds like people won’t have time to eat beforehand, or if they do, not all of them. So I agree with the heavier suggestions.

          Have these been done before? What have other people offered? If you can follow in line with those menus, then you’re meeting the existing expectations easily.

          I’m also confused by your earlier comment that there may be vegetarians but the religious rules proscribe that. So you can or cannot be vegetarian under these rules?

          • Menu Help Needer, since fulfilled :

            ? Now I’m confused by your confusion! :)
            Religious rules prohibit alcohol.
            There may be some vegetarians, but it is not A Vegetarian Event. It is not A Vegetarian Religion.

            It’s the Baha’i Faith, of which I’m not a member but I can direct you to more information online. Hope that’s helpful!

            Oh, yes — Husband is cleaning!! He has less of a commute and more flexibility to be at home, but he is not a menu planner and that is something I care about more (vs. dust bunnies) so yeah, he’s doing his share and has also cleaned up for his share of Shabbat dinners and Hannukah parties, too!

      • Linda from HR :

        That might’ve been a helpful detail to include. One question, if there’s any sort of meeting description, does it hint at what kind of refreshments will be served? Would it be out of line to ask around to the people who typically host or attend weeknight get-togethers, framing it as making sure people are properly fed so they can be fully present?

        I think the suggestion of sandwiches is good, or pizza and salad. I can’t speak for everyone but I can totally make a meal of appetizers as long as there’s veggies and at least one appetizer with meat.

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        To me, “fellowship” means food but not a meal. OTOH, I’ve never been to a “fellowship” event at dinnertime, and I bet this varies between different religious groups.

      • Senior Attorney :

        It sounds like you’re hosting the 19-Day Feast! So fun! Pigs in blankets sounds great! Add that to the veggie tray, fruit salad, heavier dessert, and chips and bean dip and you should be fine. Oh, and I’d add a cheese and crackers platter. People are almost certainly not going ot expect dinner. Except I’m super confused about how you’re hosting if you’re not a member of the Baha’i Faith…

        • Anonymous :

          Her husband is a member of the faith. It’s mentioned in one of the responses.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Ah. Still a little confused but maybe things have changed since I left the Faith…

    • That sounds like the worst party ever.

      • Need menu help :

        You’re not invited. Your suggestions are.

        • Lana Del Raygun :


          • Anonymous :

            worst party ever clarifies that her guests will be annoyed. despite many people trying to convey that message, it did not appear to be getting through to the OP, as she insisted in responding defensively to many suggestions and insisted that dinner wasn’t really necessary. Sometimes the message that you don’t want to hear is the one that you need to hear.

        • seriously? you are asking for help and being a pill about it. if you are annoyed about hosting this party, direct that annoyance back to whoever forced you to sign up for this. Everyone who is responding is trying to help you avoid annoying your guests.

          • Yeah. Sheesh.

          • Seriously. A lot of people come to this s!te asking for advice when really they just want everyone to agree with them and then get mad when people don’t, but this is worse than the norm.

          • Anonymous :

            How does “worst party ever” help avoid annoying guests? OP was more than accepting of various suggestions that can actual content and changed her menu to reflect the suggestions. “worst party” person was just being mean.

          • Another anon :

            Yeah… I had precisely the same reaction as Anonymous @ 11:48. OP is being crazy defensive. And I completely agree that I would expect some real food for a 7 pm start time. I’ve been invited to someone’s house before with this exact scenario and I will make an excuse the next time they invite me over.

    • When you say veggie tray, are we talking crudites and drip? That’s not a heavy appetizer. To me, a heavy appetizer is a protein (is meat not an option here?) or maybe something served warm What is the event?
      Can you do finger sandwiches or even a deli tray with rolls if you want something easy? Cheese and fruit tray with 2 bite brownies for dessert would meet the sweet criteria but offer something more substantial for food.

      • Need menu help :

        This is helpful. Thanks. Will add some meat. There’s at least 1 vegetarian in the crowd so I like something bean-y to keep her happy. Good idea on the deli tray – we’d love those leftovers at our house.

      • If you need something that is kid friendly and veggie friendly, how about a veggie lasagna or even a few fancy pizzas? Add a salad and something for dessert. Or make a big pot of soup with some tasty bread. You can outsource or make as much as your schedule/budget allows.

      • Do you have access to costco? The turkey wrap pinwheel things are a crowdpleaser and they’re filling and delicious.

        Do you have a crockpot? Can you borrow another one? Make two big pots of chili (throw everything in the slow cooker before you leave for work in the morning) and set out bowls of shredded cheese, avocado slices, sour cream, croutons, salsa, and other toppings. Everyone can customize their chili to their own desires.

        You could also put out big pots of stew or soup and fresh bread.

        You can assemble two lasagnas the night before (one “white” with cheese and spinach, one “red” with tomato sauce and meat) and put them in the oven when you get home from work. You can make a big salad (two big containers of romaine or spinach, some croutons, some feta or parmesan cheese) and set out two dressing options.

        And, its an unwritten rule here that if you’re going to ask for advice or help, you’re going to get answers you dont like.

    • You know your crowd best. In my NYC crowd — 7 pm was basically happy hour bc no one leaves work at 5; so they’d go to an event and then out to dinner at 9 so appetizers are fine. In my DC crowd where everyone has kids and is in the gov’t — they leave work at 5 on the dot and seemingly eat at 5:30. So if these people were coming to your event — assume they’ve stayed late at work/changed childcare to go straight to your place at 7 and haven’t eaten yet and are 2 hours past dinner time — so no chips and dip and a veggie tray won’t work.

      • Need menu help :

        Thanks, yes – no one will be starving because they know they might not eat until 8 pm but a good spread is customary!
        Good points! Thanks.

        • lost academic :

          As I mentioned above then, you know what’s been done before and conceivably what’s been well received so I’d follow those guidelines roughly. Don’t overthink it! And don’t be afraid to just walk into Whole Foods and ask someone to point you out some prepared foods/platters. I’ve done this before for church events (when in college) and they were able to help me in my budget with my parameters incredibly well.

    • If you have gone to these things before and there was dinner. You need to supply dinner.

      Easy fall menu:
      Green salad or get a kale salad from your local deli
      Butternut squash soup or butternut chili (can be made ahead of time and reheated before event)
      Brownies for dessert or pick up an apple pie

    • No-veggie tray is not a heavy app and neither is black bean dip. This calls for pizzas I think- I would grab 3 large pizzas and a salad. If you want to do non pizza I would do the following If you have Trader Joe’s:
      Cheese and crackers
      Black bean dip and corn chips
      Frozen apps from Trader Joe’s- I would do the cheese and onion pastry puffs and one pigs in a blanket
      Meatballs in a crockpot and a thing of ziti with sauce

    • I think hot dips -can- be heavy appetizers: black bean and spinach artichoke dips with breads, veg, chips, and so on can be quite hearty.

      Or, if you have a few extra minutes, you can scoop the black bean dip onto toast points and garnish with some cilantro and a sprinkle of cheese with lime wedges available for squeezing.

      If you’re already doing black beans, though, you might want to a taco salad bar? Quick crockpot queso, canned chili, whatever you do for your black bean dip, plus an assortment of nacho friendly veg like onions, cilantro, tomatoes, lettuce, and thinly sliced radishes.

      I love welsh rarebit for something like this because it’s cheap, hearty, and easy. Welsh rarebit with tomato soup shots and a fruit and veg tray sounds lovely to me.

    • Need menu help :

      Thanks, All! I just sent Personal Partner choices of 3 menus, including (1) deli sandwich tray and side salads (2) pizzas and salads and (3) baked potato bar all of course with desserts.

      Very helpful. I am making a google doc file for Easy Weeknight Entertaining so I’ll be able to reference these ideas.
      THANK YOU.

      I swear I used to be a great entertainer, then I had 3 kids and went back to work full time and now if it’s not hot dogs I can’t handle it. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP AND PATIENCE.

      • I have to admit that the idea of having 12 people over after a full day of work for a religious activity is making my nonreligious, introvert self nervous! OP, I doubt anyone will expect anything super elaborate. You’ll do fine with sandwich tray, crackers and hot dips, and desserts. Sort of like kid birthday parties – the kids will be happier with a big pizza than with 84 elaborately handmade cake pops in the shape of mice.

    • This is probably region-specific, but in my area this type of party calls for Frito Pie. Another easy dinner I like to make for a crowd is crockpot chicken. Sometimes I make it spicy (chicken thighs, diced jalepeno, powdered chile, a shot of tequila, and some oil) or sometimes I do BBQ chicken (chicken thighs and BBQ sauce spread all over chicken, plus a little more). Then set out either tortillas or rolls and whatever toppings you like. Serve with chips, salsa and/or queso and maybe a veggie tray.

    • No. Also there is no world in which a veggie tray counts as a heavy appetizer and if all you’re serving is two appetizers and two desserts, one of those desserts should not be just fruit. Unless your guests are rabbits, in which case I rescind my comment.

      • Anonymous :

        As a rabbit owner (they make great pets!), I agree. If I put out a platter of parsley, carrot greens, kale, banana, strawberries, and blueberries, he’d be thrilled! (And have intestinal distress later. . . .)

  16. A psychiatrist can prescribe. They may do therapy too. DR. Christian Linton in DC is very good.

  17. How do you occupy your time when you are low on work? We have been unusually slow at work for weeks, and I am going nuts. I have been spending my time working reading work-related research, but I cannot really handle doing that every day all day without falling asleep. I have also asked my supervisor if there is anything she needs help with, a new project I can take on, but all she says is that a new project will come eventually and we’ll have more work soon enough, which is frustrating for someone like me who likes to be busy.

    • work on researching/writing to get published. Reasonably work related as increases my work related knowledge but publications are also a great resume booster no matter what the field.

      • +1. Also look for events to teach/ present at and work on those pieces. Make yourself an expert in some part of your field–which will in turn make you invaluable as an employee and likely end any “work droughts!”

    • Spanish lessons on Duolingo. The Scrabblegrams in the newspaper. Stretching and light exercise in the office with the door closed. Journaling.

    • Networking for your next job! Lots of phone calls and meetings and lunch meetings with old contacts, webinars, all those association lunches you never get to go to because you’re too busy… alumni meetings, volunteer… these can all be professional development activities…

  18. I need to buy a few pairs of black tights. The kind that are basically opaque but not so much so that you can’t for example see my knee through them. I want durable and $20 or less per pair. Recommendations?

    • SPANX Opaque Reversible Tights

    • Target has 120 denier for $8! I just got two new pairs, but I am still wearing last year’s as well.

      • Not the OP, but how do these fit? I’m on a quest for tights that don’t pinch my stomach.

        • I size up so they don’t pinch as much, but I think otherwise they are, sadly, average level of pinching. But I haven’t been able to find any tights that do not pinch and stay up, and these are comparable quality to Hue and others, so I like them just fine.

    • HUE. I always buy them at places like Nordstrom Rack.

      • Pale Girl Snorkeling :

        Second HUE, they have been my go to for opaque colored tights for years. As long as they aren’t control top, there are no tummy pinching issue. I am always alert for these tummy squeezing can aggravate my heart burn (very short waisted)

        • Anony Mouse :

          +1 Hue tights hold up really well. If you know your size, you can find deals on new packages on eBay.

      • +1

        I get them at Marshall’s.

      • TO Lawyer :

        Yes definitely Hue. This reminds me I need to buy more. I’m currently wearing Assets by Spanx tights and I don’t recommend because they’re too constricting around my stomach.

    • Anonymous :

      Berkshire fleece lined tights from Nordstrom or Amazon! No pinching and quite warm. Available in plus size, too.

    • Anonymous :

      I like DKNY, I get them at the Rack.

    • These may be more “see through” than you are looking for, but I get complements from women every time I wear them: https://www.kohls.com/product/prd-2910484/simply-vera-vera-wang-linear-wave-control-top-tights.jsp?prdPV=16 There are other Vera Wang for Kohls tights that you may prefer – I highly recommend them for an average-build person (which is me).

    • I’ve worn these types of tights for years and years. DKNY is my favourite, but they are hard to find in Toronto. Hue is an acceptable substitute. Anytime I’ve strayed from those brands, I’ve been disappointed (although I’ve never gone super high end.)

  19. How much can I expect leather rockport total motion control flats to stretch? I got my usual size (9), and they fit the length of my feet but are pretty pinchy on the toes. They seem like they would be super comfortable if not for the pinching but I’m not sure how much the leather will stretch.

    • Rainbow Hair :


      heehee :)

    • pugsnbourbon :

      I have successfully stretched leather flats by heating them briefly with a hair dryer – should be warm but not hot – and then putting on thick socks and wearing the shoes for an hour or so.

  20. Rainbow Hair :

    I’m such a dork but I love Halloween! I certainly no longer go out and paint the the town red (this suburb has nowhere to paint red, and also my two year old goes to bed…) BUT I love costumes!

    Anyone want to share what you’re wearing, what you’re putting on your kids, if you’re doing something clever at the office, if you have something spooky rigged up on your front lawn, etc?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I’m dressing as my boss (with two other women – boss is a dude) to work tomorrow. Should be funny!

      I’m sending Kiddo to her daycare (at my work) dressed as a donut — homemade costume that’s cuteAF if I may say so. The donut sort of hangs from her shoulders like overalls and floats around her waist like a tutu? It’s cute. Pretty pumped for the Trunk or Treat in the AM — nothing cuter than toddlers in costumes!

      At night we are trick or treating around the neighborhood in a family costume. Kiddo is Batman (I made her a super cute color blocked dress w the Batman logo, and a cape. I bought her a mask but I’m not optimistic on that front) and I’m the Joker (I did a makeup trial run this weekend and scared the crap outta my husband, so win?) and husband will be Robin (short shorts!). I think it’ll be really fun!

    • Heard this one the other day and considering it – wear a full suit with a sign around your neck that says “I’m sorry.” You’re a formal apology :)

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Ooooh or you could do a whole ballgown formal dress look, if you wanted an excuse to go fancy in that direction!

    • I love it too! No one dresses up at my office, but I’m wearing all black and these cicada earrings and thinking of myself as a witch. https://www.modcloth.com/shop/accessories/magicicada-earrings/12398.html?dwvar_12398_color=GLD

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Woah those earrings are intense!

        Last year to work I just wore a little witch hat with a black veil and purple lipstick. Basically like “how I wish I could dress for work every day”…

    • Linda from HR :

      I love Halloween and costumes, but the costumes bit fell off my radar this month. I had great ideas but no time. But I helped decorate the front lawn, and I decorated my desk. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wear my Wonder Woman costume and navy polka-dot skirt, kind of an old school WW look . . . but maybe I’ll save that for my dance class, since I’m in a new office and I have no idea how common costumes are here.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        The thing I always do when I’m new somewhere is a ~subtle~ costume with an easily removed accessory. Which Wonder Woman might be perfect for? If you come to work and people are dressed up, put on your tiara and belt — if no one is, you’re just wearing clothes.

        • Baconpancakes :

          Yep, that’s what I’m doing. Cobalt pencil skirt, red wrap top, belt, lasso, red heels, cuff bracelet.

    • Looove Halloween! Carved pumpkins last night. Watched the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown on Saturday with kiddo after driving around to look at the best decorated houses in town. We played Halloween hits on Spotify all weekend and now the kiddo knows the Monster Mash and the Ghostbusters song. Tonight we are setting up our yard skeleton, haven’t decided what to put him in yet though.

      Plan tomorrow is to trick or treat for an hour or so, then retreat to hand out candy for an hour or so, then have friends over post-trick or treating to watch Bela Lugosi’s Dracula and have spooky cocktails (annual tradition).

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Woah, that sounds like such a fun day!

        Daycare had Kiddo dancing to Ghostbusters (my husband’s favorite movie) and he just about died when he got the video they sent out.

    • I love pun costumes and wish we would dress up at work so I could wear one. Though I don’t even know what i would do this year, haha.

      My teen has finally decided she is too old to dress up and go trick-or-treating, which makes me sad. My younger two (9 year old boy and 6 year old girl) are going to be scary clowns. They both really do look scary! I wanted them to be a fireman and a dalmatian, but they didn’t go for it.

    • Mrs. Jones :

      Halloween is my favorite holiday. We put up a ridiculous amount of decorations inside and out and had a party on Sat. Our neighborhood is very popular for trick-or-treaters, and I can’t wait for tomorrow night. Husband and I are wearing 80’s clothes, and son is Darth Vader.

    • My husband, teenager, and I are going as the Spanish Inquisition from Monty Python.

      We like group themes and it seems very un-festive to take the little guys out for candy while wearing jeans.

    • My 10-year-old is going as Eliza Schuyler assuming I can manage to hem the dress and sew on the lace trim tonight. She is getting too old for family costumes, but in the past we have done:

      Curious George and the man in the yellow hat
      Baker (me) and cupcake (her)
      Professor McGonagall and Hermione

      I miss Politics Takes a Holiday by the Capitol Steps on Halloween. Now they only do it on July 4th.

    • We had a buggy walk today and baby wore a Harry potter costume, just a sleep and play with a cape and the glasses, tie etc appliqued on. Lunch at my husband’s work tomorrow and he’s wearing a knitted bear hat.

    • Anonymous :

      Don’t judge me for spending this much, but I bought this costume for my son and it’s preeeeeetty cute.


      It’s basically a vest with a hood, so it works well for squiggly toddlers who yank hats off.

    • Pretty Primadonna :

      My husband and I are going as Whitley Gilbert and Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World.” Costumes include a Hillman t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and flip-top glasses for him and a black and white houndstooth skirt, black mock turtleneck sweater, gold chain belt and pearl accessories for me.

      Baby girl is going as an 80’s baby with tulle skirt, cropped off the shoulder sweatshirt, slouch socks, and glitter sneakers. Oh, and don’t forget the big a** bow for her hair. :-)

    • Baconpancakes :

      After work, my friends and I are dressing up as Adventure Time characters. I’m going as Fiona the Human, my SO as Jake the Dog, my friend as Ice King, and his bf as Gunter. No one will have any idea who we are but whatever.

  21. Group Fitness :

    Anyone have insights into becoming a group fitness instructor? I think I’d really enjoy teaching fitness classes as a side activity to my legal job but I’m not sure where to start. Has anyone else thought about doing this or have experience doing it?

    • I’d start by asking some of your favorite instructors how they got into it.

    • I’m a barre instructor on the side and I love it. For me the benefits are: workouts built in to my routine, having another channel for my energy, unlimited free classes at my studio, and a few hundred extra dollars a month coming in (I teach a lot).

      I’d suggest identifying studios or programs that you like and then checking their websites/inquiring for any upcoming Teacher Trainings. Prepare to spend some money on the training and on a certification if you need one, and also remember you’ll be paid 1099 and set aside about 25% for taxes. It will be a while before you actually make a profit, and even then it will be small, so it’s good to have other major incentives for doing it. Oh, and make sure you get your teacher’s discount at the fancy leggings stores!

      • This is a total aside, but can I rant that studios think it is appropriate to 1099 the instructors? Such a glaring worker misclassification.

        • In my day to day life at least, I see more abuses of 1099 than legal, reasonable uses of it. Just like unpaid internships. It’s shocking to actually read through the criteria for either of them.

    • fitness side hustle :

      I had this thought once, and I tried to do it, and it just didn’t work out for me. I was taking a boot camp class 1x/week that I loved, and the instructor was leaving to go do an internship in his field, so he basically asked us if anyone wanted to take it over. He introduced me to the hiring manager, and I did one training type class that wasn’t for the class I actually wanted to teach. Then I was pressured to teach 2-3 other classes that still weren’t the class I wanted to teach. Then they put me in the system as “available”, and while I was traveling for work, I got 3-4 calls PER DAY asking if I could sub for this class or that class. After 2 weeks as an employee who still hadn’t taught the class I wanted to teach, I resigned. I know some people make this work at smaller studios or as part of their regular routine, but for me, I failed because I literally just wanted to teach the one class I was taking and wanted to continue taking. I didn’t want to pick up any extra shifts (and couldn’t, because day job), didn’t want to learn to teach any other classes (day job/hobby takes up too much time and mental space), and basically, I was unwilling to be flexible at all.

    • It depends on what kind of instructor you want to be. For some methods, you need extensive training. For others, you need one certificate (like the Crossfit Level 1) and shadowing hours (most gyms require this). It’s a little hard to say, so I’d definitely ask your instructors!

  22. Anon-a-music :

    Is wearing headphones while working still a major no-no in biglaw? I am about 100% more productive when I listen to music as I work (I have ADHD and am not medicated for a variety of reasons). Our offices have fairly thin walls and I would feel weird listening to music out loud, so I would prefer to just have a single earbud in. I know some people (at least used to) think it’s wildly unprofessional. Still true? Do I need to keep my door closed to listen to light music and actually be productive?

    • Never viewed it as a big deal — you have your own office; keep the door shut/halfway shut so it isn’t obvious to everyone walking by. Also use small ear buds not huge headphones. Might depend on the firm, but at my firm, some people do play music through speakers and no one cares. Obviously you can’t have an officemate and you need to go into the hall and neighboring offices and test it to make sure you cannot hear it — but quiet background music is no issue — just make sure you turn it off as someone senior comes in — it’s fine if they hear it as you’re hitting pause but don’t make it a thing where they have to talk to you and it looks like you’re listening to music and they have to talk over it.

    • I think headphones are so discreet now no one would notice, esp. the small wireless ones.

    • lost academic :

      I used to think that and I still get annoyed if people are truly 100% checked out of their surroundings with headphones in (because at my office that’s a bad thing) but the one headphone in is certainly fine. Music out loud would be much more unprofessional.

    • I wore Nose noise cancelling headphones with white noise (not in biglaw but acctg) when I worked in a cube. It was just too loud for me to work and concentrate without them. You had to tap my shoulder to talk to me because I would be very in the zone. One of the partners (whom I greatly disliked for a variety of reasons and so did everyone else) said I was being unprofessional and asked me not to wear them anymore. I told him that I had difficulty concentrating with surrounding noise and that wearing the headphones was my way of removing distractions. I seriously don’t understand why people think they can put associates in a cubicle and expect them to be able to do complex work with a bunch of noise. It’s absurd. Give me an office or let me where my noise cancelling headphones in peace. The end.

    • I wore small earbuds all the time when I worked in Big Law. It wasn’t a big deal. I wouldn’t recommend it as a first year when you’re trying to meet people and source work but after that it’s no big deal in many offices.

  23. Linda from HR :

    I’m not having a good morning. I got up and out on time, only to get to the train station to find out my 7:45 train was half an hour behind schedule . . . and didn’t get on a train until 8:50 or so. Thanks to a really bad storm we got last night, causing branches and possibly whole trees to fall onto the tracks. Got to work an hour and 20 minutes late. Thankfully my manager seems understanding.

    • The storm was really bad here. We didn’t lose power, but a lot of people did, and there are a lot of downed trees and such.

      • Linda from HR :

        I heard school is closed in some places due to power outages, and other schools had delays because of all the downed trees. All the commuter rail lines had issues, and when I thought of giving up and driving, I checked Google Maps and there was an accident on the highway causing seriously bad traffic, so I was forked either way.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Lost power at my hotel for probably 5 hours. Not quite sure what time it came back on. I said f-it and went to bed. So, on the plus side, I got to bed earlier than I likely would have otherwise. On the downside, there’s a bruise on my leg from where I tripped over my suitcase in the dark.

  24. Menu planning :

    Anyone have a menu planning app that they love? I’d want it to include a shopping list and maybe to link to Pinterest or at least to the recipes. Thanks!

  25. Menu Help Needer, since fulfilled :

    ? Now I’m confused by your confusion! :)
    Religious rules prohibit alcohol.
    There may be some vegetarians, but it is not A Vegetarian Event. It is not A Vegetarian Religion.

    It’s the Baha’i Faith, of which I’m not a member but I can direct you to more information online. Hope that’s helpful!

    Oh, yes — Husband is cleaning!! He has less of a commute and more flexibility to be at home, but he is not a menu planner and that is something I care about more (vs. dust bunnies) so yeah, he’s doing his share and has also cleaned up for his share of Shabbat dinners and Hannukah parties, too!

  26. Traveling for an interview :

    I’m flying out for an interview next Monday and this is my first time being flown in by the company. I don’t have an itinerary yet but my flight is Monday afternoon and the interview is on Tuesday. I feel like I don’t want to travel in a suit and can wear the same clothes to and from. Does anyone have packing tips or advice?

    • buy a travel steamer if you don’t have one and pack the suit

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Wear whatever on the plane, pack your suit loosely, steam it when you get there. (I hate ironing, but I have this soothing thing when I travel where I get into the hotel room, take a long shower, put on a robe and lotion, turn on HGTV, and iron/steam my clothes.) Maybe pack an extra shirt just in case you realize you want something different.

      Bring all the things that make you feel ready to interview: the shoes that feel awesome, your fav. foundation, facewash, whatever. If there’s not a dinner element to the interview, and you’re not going home until Wednesday, I think you should look up a nice place nearby to take yourself out to celebrate being done with the interview :)

    • Depends on how wrinkled your suit will get if packed. Consider whether you can get away with hanging it up as soon as you get to the hotel and “steaming” it while you take a hot shower. If that wouldn’t cut it, I’d wear the jacket on the plane.

  27. K-beauty rabbit hole :

    I know we’ve had a few recs for K-beauty routines here, and after hours of rabbit holing this weekend, I think I’ve come up with a beginner routine… maybe. I’ve used BeautiControl for most of my adult life with good results, but I’ve been feeling like I need to find an alternative because the purchase process is troublesome. Have any of you used some combination of these products?

    Also, if you’re into this sort of thing, I came across several great blogs off the AB sub-reddit: Snow White and the Asian Pear, Fiddy Shades of Snail, and Fanserviced-B. LOADS of great info!

    Ok, steps and products I’m considering in order of the steps for use:

    Oil cleanser: Amore Pacific Illi Total Aging Care Cleansing Oil Oriental Herb Cleanser

    Low pH cleanser: Cosrx Low PH Good Morning Gel Cleanser or Hada Labo Rohto Gokujyn Hyaluronic Acid Cleansing Foam

    Toner: MIZON Aha & Bha Daily Clean Toner

    Moisturizer: Mizon Snail Recovery Gel Cream or Cosrx oil-free moisturizing lotion

    Shiseido Senka Aging Care UV Sunscreen SPF50+ PA++++ or
    Biore Sarasara Aqua Rich Watery Essence SPF50+/PA++++

    • Anonymous :

      What’s your skin type? For reference, I for decades thought I was the oiliest person on the planet (the clean and clear blue sheets were practically decor in my house and office). No acne issues until I went off the pill 5 years ago and got horrible cystic acne. Went back on the pill and problem solved, but it came back last year when I got an IUD. I’m now on spironolactone which reduced the cysts, and also recently had to go back on the pill for ovarian cyst issues (kept the IUD as well). I give this background because I am someone who thought I had oily skin, but it turns out it was what AB refers to as dehydrated–overstripped from all of my products. The combo of my meds has now made my skin a lot drier-feeling, but still acne prone. I’ve sought products that won’t make me break out but also add some much needed moisture to my skin. My experiences with the products are below, but may be different than what works best for your skin type. The reddit AB is big on trying one thing at a time to find what works for you, and start cheaper so you can find the ingredients that work for you (and then splurge if you feel like it), without feeling obligated to use up a $40 tube of cleanser that isn’t right for your skin.

      As for oil cleanser, I use the Kose Softymo Speedy with no complaints. I have no experience with that AP oil cleanser, but I adore AP generally. If this is your first time oil cleansing, you may want to start with a cheaper one like the Kose though, or Banila Clean It Zero. That was my rationale, and I really haven’t found a reason to switch.

      I’ve used both of your second cleanser options, which I think are considered the “holy grail” cleansers for dehydrated, acne-prone skin on reddit AB. Of the two, I much prefer the Hado Labo. The Cosrx cleanser made my face feel stripped before I even had the towel in hand to pat it dry, and I started having flakes by the end of the week (I brought it on vacation because the Hado Labo foam pump doesn’t exactly travel well).

      The Mizon toner you reference is not a “toner” in the AB sense of the word. In AB, a toner is hydrating–almost like a water-lotion. The Mizon toner is not in that category–you would use the Mizon toner after your second cleanser if (and really only if) you were then going to apply BHA/AHA/Vit C serum. I think AB generally recommends waiting to add in the aforementioned actives, so I don’t think you need the Mizon toner (that said, it’s a great one when you get to this stage). For a traditional toner, try the Hado Labo Gokujyun Hyaluronic Acid Lotion. Don’t let the name confuse you–many AB toners are actually named lotions since that’s more what the purpose is. It is still like a clear liquid.

      I use the Mizon AIO black cream. I think it works well in the morning, but at night I prefer something a little heavier. I recently got the Dr. Jart Ceramide cream from Sephora and looooove it.

      Sunscreen: The Biore Watery Essence is fantastic. I don’t even need to use a separate primer anymore because its consistency doubles as a great primer. I have read that it’s more for daily running around and not heavy outdoor exercise or water activities. You’re probably good with the Biore at this time of year, but look back at AB for recommendations for an active sunscreen if a time comes where you’re outside sweating a lot.

      • K-beauty rabbit hole :

        Ohh, I didn’t come across the Kose, I’ll definitely look that one up! I’m definitely wanting to start on the lower end of the spectrum and work my way up, once I vet a few products/ingredients. I saw recs for the Mizon AIO black cream as well, so maybe I can get some samples of each and test ’em out. SO MANY OPTIONS, it’s a little overwhelming to pick!

    • What type of skin do you have? I found the Cosrx cleanser very drying on my dry skin.

      Also, my best advice for switching over (which I’m sure you saw on the thread), is swap one single product at a time in case you have a bad reaction.

      For reference my routine right now is Hada Labo Oil cleanser (for both cleanses), the Ordinary glycolic acid, Hada Labo Gokujyun Premium Lotion, Skinfood Royal Honey Good Moisturizing Cream

      • Oh and Canmake Tokyo Mermaid Skin Gel sunscreen in the morning :)

      • K-beauty rabbit hole :

        Oh bother, my skin is normally pretty dry with a combination T-zone, but it’s pretty well under control with my current 2-3 step regimen. My chin and nose get flaky, and my forehead gets a little oily by the end of the day. I was thinking the Cosrx would be good because all the bloggers say it’s gentle and great, so I’m sad to hear it dried you out :(

        I was planning to swap just the cleanser for a week to see how it goes, and then swap the other items over a few weeks. I have enough of my current tried-and-true products to go back if something irritates my skin.

        • Thankfully the cleanser is super cheap so you’re not out too much if it doesn’t work! I’m a huge fan of oil double cleansing, so you can always use that for both on drier days

    • Anonymous :

      I have a reply in moderation (happens to every single post since I got my new work laptop) but check for it hopefully soon.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I’m a big fan of the Biore Watery Essence sunscreen. I find it leaves my face a tiny bit white, but I’m so pale it’s kinda not a big deal. I think if you had darker skin it might stand out more.

    • Totally fell down the same rabbit hole myself last year, second your blog reads and would add W2Beauty, which Fifty Snails now works for.
      Love the cosrx, and its cheap(ish) and available on Amazon prime now. I like the banila cream cleanser mostly because I travel a decent amount for work and balms are easier to pack. The Mizon toner is great for rebalancing, but drying if you need a lot of moisture. I like it to remove sheet mask essence before other steps, or in place of a mist at times. I like the Cosrx snail cream better than the Mizon only because I use it as more of a sleeping pack, it works nicely as a daily moisturizer though!
      I like the apieu sun block gel, the new biore formulation was too oily for me, and the shiseido pilled under my bb cream.
      Any reason you’re not using any acids or a serum? I found serums have better actives than the moisturizers so I opt for an serum at night plus a moisturizer on top of that if I’m really dry. Highly recommend W2 beauty if you’re looking to order – lots of great sales and oodles of samples!

      • K-beauty rabbit hole :

        My skin is sensitive, so I didn’t want to add too many new things to it at once. I figured I’d wait on the acids/serums until I found the right basic steps to clean and moisturize. That, and I started getting a little bleary-eyed after several days of research :) I debated about the Cosrx snail cream as well, but didn’t see as many recs for that one compared to the Mizon, so that’s how I chose it.

        I was searching around for samples, but it looks like Cosrx doesn’t really have samples for sale. Mizon appears to have a bunch, and the Habo products are cheap enough that I might just suck it up and buy the full size versions to test them out. I’ll definitely check out W2Beauty, I skipped that in favor of Fiddy’s blog for the initial research phase.

        • Cosrx has a 96% snail get serum that I’m a fan of once you start branching out in that direction.

    • I like using micellar water as 1st cleanse because I don’t have to wash it off (and I’m lazy), and the su:m37 rose cleansing stick for 2nd cleanse. I can’t recommend the rose stick strongly enough! Even my SO has started using it before shaving.
      The mizon snail gel cream is… fine but I didn’t find it moisturizing or creamy enough to use as my only moisturizer.
      I’d also add in some eye cream (regular moisturizer isn’t enough for my under eyes), and affordable sheet masks (I like Nature Republic- I buy 2 packs of 10 for about $20 at the store) for when you want a little extra pampering.
      You’re off to a great start!

      • K-beauty rabbit hole :

        I saw a ton of recs for the Su:me37 rose stick, but I was concerned that the rose might irritate my skin. Maybe that’s an unfounded fear? Which micellar water do you use? I went down that rabbit hole as well! It looks like there’s a bunch of cheap options on Amaz0n, and I don’t know if there’s much difference between brands.

    • Although this isn’t a K-Beauty brand, my current routine is a mix of K beauty and Stratia products. I’m obsessed with liquid gold

  28. I have that oil cleanser (or a version of it. I have an illi total aging care cleansing oil but it isn’t oriental herb I don’t think) and it’s totally fine but nothing special at all. I do love oil cleansing though.

    The CosRX Low PH good morning gel cleanser is great, but as I move into fall it becomes too much for my very dry and very tempermental skin, even though it is less stripping. I use true lotion cleansers like Stratia’s once it gets even kind of cool.

    Good toner, if you need one.

    Good sunscreens.

    No experience with either of those moisturizers.

  29. I just started a new job. I realized today that I’m bad at answering questions that I 1. don’t know the answer to and 2. don’t know if I should know the answer to, although the more this happens I start to think the answer to #2 is usually no. What should I say in these situations? Now the answers tend to be “I don’t know” with stuttering and trying to answer the question. Help!

    • Anonymous :

      It’s totally understandable that you don’t know stuff right away at a new job. Never say I don’t know; say “That’s a good question, can I look into it and get back to you?”

      • what if it’s time sensitive? like “do you happen to know this thing right now and can you tell me what it is?”

        • Then you have to tell them you don’t know. Just work on your delivery a little. Don’t sound meek or embarrassed about it, and maybe ask some follow-ups later so you can learn what the outcome was.

        • Anonymous :

          Truly, don’t feel bad if you can’t answer these on the spot questions.

          Anecdote: There’s a partner in my firm who loves the “drop by with a quick question” approach and then gets fussy when someone doesn’t know the answer immediately to an obscure question that they have never encountered in practice before. At first, when I was less confident in the role, I felt like it was something wrong with me that I didn’t just know this stuff. I know now from experience (and discussions with other associates) that this partner struggles to bring in clients who are willing to pay our very low rates, so he tries to get a lot of de facto pro bono time from associates. He is looking for free answers by roaming the halls, hoping if he startles you with a “quick question” that you won’t switch your timer from what he interrupted you on (in part because he conveniently doesn’t have the C/M offhand). He can then spout your wisdom to his clients and hope they become willing to actually pay for the legal advice they can currently squeeze out of him for free or cheap. It’s terrible management and not something to let undermine your confidence if there’s anything similar going on–I often find when people get upset you don’t know the answer RIGHT NOW, it’s because they messed up and were supposed to have found it themselves a week ago.

  30. best hand cream recs? :

    Looks like my usual favorite isn’t around anymore (RIP Rituals hand cream). I am looking for something that has a snap-closed tube (I keep it in my purse), does not have a strong scent, works for really (REALLY) dry hands, and absorbs quickly so I can use when driving/typing/etc and don’t have to worry about grease.

    I have tried O’Keefe’s (fine, and I keep some by my bed, but not good for in the purse), Burt’s Bees almond (too greasy), Juara coconut (I actually love this, but the scent is REALLY strong, and it’s pricey for how long a tube lasts – not that long), Crabtree & Evelyn Gardeners hand therapy (also love this, but the scent is also super strong, and it’s pricey too).

    • Anonymous :

      Kiehl’s hand salve – comes in a snap tube, not really scented, perfect for my dry hands.

    • Neutrogena Norwegian formula hand cream – fragrance free. It’s kind of clear-ish, super thick but not greasy at all. it is a tiny bit sticky for a minute and then it finishes soaking in

    • Anon in NYC :

      I personally love L’Occitane’s hand cream (the one with 20% shea butter). You only have to use a little at a time so it lasts forever, and I don’t find the original scent to be particularly strong. It has a screw top, so not sure if that would be a deal breaker. But I never have any concern about keeping it in my bag.

      • I also love this. It seems to last forever. I have the lavender version and when I’m using the bag that the hand cream ‘lives in’, I find myself reaching for hand cream much less often. My family has purchased a few for me as stocking stuffers, and they last all year.
        I also like the foot cream version, and use it at night

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      I have the CVS knockoff of Gold Bond. It’s not the most intense hand cream I’ve ever had, but it absorbs really quickly.

      I also learned from a friend in college to use vaseline mixed with a bit of water–she just put a dab in her hand and dribbled water on it from her water bottle, and then rubbed it in. It takes a bit of practice to get the proportions right, but it works very well.

    • Eos

  31. Everything is blah :

    I seriously feel like crap… and I have no idea why. Like just super checked out and nothing is exciting or making me happy. Not depressed, just very disengaged. It happens from time to time and usually something kicks me back into gear but coming off dealing with some health issues and feeling very blah and low. Any recs on getting out of a rut or just feeling better in general? Shopping or eating doesn’t and hasn’t done the trick in years.

    • reading fiction with a happy ending helps me feel better, ymmv. Try chick lit, romance novels (the well written ones not harlequin- you can find author recs online), or fan fiction online about your favorite yv show. if you like watching romance between 2 tv characters, there is likely romance fan fiction about them online

  32. Unrelated to the comments but… I love these pants. Not sure I’d ever wear bright pink pants though. Somehow, a pink blouse, cardigan, or blazer seems easier to pull off than pink pants.

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