Does Your Outward Self Reflect Your Inner Self?
A friend was just describing an old exercise she was told to do when she was just starting out. Put on your work clothes, do your work hair and makeup, and stare at the mirror for twenty minutes (20!) and ask yourself: Does your outward self reflect your inner self? Is your appearance congruent with your personality?
I thought it was fascinating — and that it would be fun to discuss here. My own answer sort of adds an additional twist — I strive to be put-together and polished in my work appearance, in part to make up for shortcomings.
When I was just getting into law, my “true self” was probably represented by a memorable law school outfit of red flared cords, a pink button shirt, Converse, and my shortish hair in pigtails. So the GOAL for me in getting dressed for work was to obscure this wackadoodle, creative, DGAF part of myself and strive to pass as someone trustworthy, serious, and respected.
Another fun question: Has the goal in getting dressed or putting yourself together changed over the years? For example, like a lot of women, by my late 30s I started to realize with a shock that I looked tired and old unless I paid careful attention to skincare, makeup, anti-frizz products or hairstyles, and so on.
This is not to say that hours need to be devoted to these concerns on the daily, but that it's worth it to find the right lipstick, at least one good “rejuvenating” skin product, a hip pair of eyeglasses, etc.
So, over to you, ladies: 1) What is your goal in getting dressed or putting yourself together? 2) Is your appearance congruent with your personality? 3) Have you ever dressed to compensate for shortcomings? 4) How have your goals in getting dressed or putting yourself together changed?
Psst: In the past, we've talked about how you may want to celebrate a “weekend you” and when you should show personality at work.
Picture via Deposit Photos / dynamicfoto.
20 minutes? That sounds like an exercise they’d do in Scientology to break you down…
My inner self looks like Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman. There is no way on earth my outer self will ever reflect that.
I think they match? And it’s been interesting to see how these selves have changed over time. When I was younger and VERY uptight and insecure, I’d be impeccably dressed for every moment of the day – everything ironed, coordinated, hair perfectly blown out, nails manicured. Going to work? Exquisitely tailored sheath dress in subdued colors with polished pumps. Going to a football game? Carefully coordinated outfit in team colors to show spirit…and elegance.
As life (and Zoloft) calmed me down, I’ve changed so much. My clothes are still ironed (every morning!), but I haven’t worn any suiting in years (and I’m in a more formal/important job now than I was starting out), I wear my hair naturally curly (my husband says I look much friendlier and down-to-earth :) ), wear less makeup, and consciously dress for comfort. I’m a pear shape, so my work uniform is a-line skirts from Talbots, with a merino sweater in winter and a shell and cardigan in summer, and flats or low heels. Weekends are all about leggings, ballcaps, and fleece. I only get my nails done for special occasions, and there are quite a few grays peeking through my curls.
How much of this is age and general mellowing with time vs. changing societal norms (Jeans Fridays, yoga pants in public, etc), I don’t know.
My inner self is an experienced, wizened attorney. But I present as being much younger. While I feel that my face has aged a lot in the past 20 years, others still generally perceive that I am in my mid to late twenties, as opposed to my early 40s. Some colleagues have mistaken me for a student or an intern.
I work in a business casual environment, where people really rarely wear suits. We also have a lot of age discrimination against women, so being perceived as young is not necessarily a negative. So I have been trying to figure out how to present as experienced, competent, advance me, work with me, while avoiding dowdy, tired, old as a pejorative.
So I have a professional context makeup routine, I wear my hair in a professional chin length bob, and I wear well tailored clothing. I wear really good bras. I have considered wearing blazers, but the internal temperature at work is too warm and I would be the only one wearing a blazer, aside from our head exec. I also avoid wearing clothing and shoes that may be perceived as sexy. On my less fashionable days, I present as a 20-something frum woman. In other words, I dress modestly.
But I am open to advice from anyone else who struggles with the “look young, want more respect, but want to avoid age discrimination issues” and who also works/has worked in a business casual environment. Has anything worked for you? Can a woman lawyer have it all: youthful appearance but projecting professionalism?
I think you avoid dowdy, old, or tired (pejorative) by keeping relatively current with trends, wearing clothes that fit well and are flattering, keeping your hair nice, etc. The biggest thing is to not look like you’ve given up on being attractive (not sexy – attractive) because of age.
Avoid wearing beige at all costs. Beige screams senior citizen. Also, make sure you are wearing colors that don’t wash you out and make you look tired. A lot of older women tend to wear neutrals, like white, beige, brown, and light grey, which makes them look older and blah. Wearing color will make you look younger and less tired.
I vote for a Corporette Over 45? Over 50? I need help!
I had some rueful thoughts in this vein just this morning, actually! It’s been p1ssing rain here non-stop since April, and everyone is losing their minds. I have completely given up on drying or styling my hair. I was trying to remember the last time I was actually happy with the way I looked in the mirror, rather than accepting the drowned-rat look that’s apparently just “how it is” around here now.
Timely question. I’m at a conference and attended a break-out session yesterday about embracing the opportunity of an aging country, as in, by 2020 the whole country will look like Florida currently looks (about 20 percent “seniors.”) I don’t identify as a senior but I am in my mid-50’s. Yesterday to get us thinking we were asked when we first felt “old.” I said it was when I turned 50 and got the AARP recruitment materials in the mail, but I think I’ve been feeling “old” much longer than that, not chronically, but from time to time. On a good day I look in the mirror and just see me. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see nothing but under-eye bags, grey hair, and skin that has seen a bit too much sun. Even though most people still say I look about a decade younger than I am.
To answer the original question, our dress code at work is business casual but I have always dressed on the business end of that spectrum – sheath dresses, pumps, blazers or nice cardis, or skirts with soft buttondowns. Conservatve make-up, short hair, usually colored to hide the grey. Mostly neutrals (grey and navy), but with the occasional pop of primary colors once a month or so. I think I want to be taken more seriously as my job title is an administrative professional role but my actual work is about 70/30 management/project management to administrative.
I also try not to dress “sexy” but also try not to hide my curves, if that makes sense, because I feel like they are part of my identity.
I was going to suggest another Corporette: Corporette over 45? Over 50? I don’t have enough info as I reach this part of my life…
I’m in my early 20s and I’m in a prestigious executive leadership program at a large insurance firm. I feel overwhelmed by impostor syndrome on a daily basis, because I’m being asked to lead and coach people who have been with the company since before I was born. My office dress code is a very relaxed business casual, but because I want to project the illusion of confidence and authority I dress in styles bordering on business formal. Blazers, collared shirts, tailored sheath dresses, two and a half inch heels, more or less full makeup, and styled hair every single day. Does it reflect who I am on the inside? Maybe not so much. But I feel like I need to do it if I’ll have any hope of being taken seriously. I’m very conscious about my appearance because that’s something I know that I can control. Does anyone else do this? Has anyone else done this, and discovered a solution that let them relax a bit?
I’ve been there. I think it’s typical of the early years. In my experience, it gets better with age and experience. Prove yourself- not just to others, but also yourself- over and over, and it becomes easier to relax. I’ve actually found organizations like Toastmasters to be incredibly helpful.
This is timely. I just changed jobs and moved across the country, and while I dressed a tad bit formal for my previous job, I feel like I look like a fish out of water in my new office. Perhaps that does reflect my feeling of being out of place?
That being said, people perceive me as being more uptight than I am. I developed a work uniform in my early years, when the office was a step below business formal. I’m slow to cycle through my clothes (if it still looks nice, why throw it out?), so my wardrobe hasn’t evolved as quickly as my office, which has become more casual at what feels like a fast pace. Now I’m surrounded by t-shirts, wondering if I’ve lost touch. I’m not even that old- technically I’m a Millennial.
As I acclimate to my new office, I intend to shift my wardrobe more casually, bearing in mind that I intend to move to Europe (Sweden/Netherlands) in a few years, so things may be different there.
Related question — what is everyone’s “medical spa” routine, if any?
– Laser hair removal?
– Botox?
– Lip fillers?
– Laser skin treatment?
– Plastic surgery?
– Other?
I am in my mid-30s and realizing many of my peers are starting these things. I am agonizing whether to skip entirely or explore. I look a little more worn down each day than the prior day.
Do you think you need anything?
I am now in my late 30s and have only ever had electrolysis done (it is ongoing). Had I learnt about it earlier, I would have done it in my 20s before my problem became a PROBLEM.
Otherwise, I am pretty happy with everything and have no desire (or money) to explore.
I am in my late 40s and have done all of the above. I realize I am not aging gracefully. It’s all on the inside; I don’t think I feel outside pressure but maybe? My husband hates that I do any of these things and probably wouldn’t notice if I stopped. I don’t know what the answer to any of this is. I think it’s all low-self-esteem that manifested itself as an eating disorder in my younger years and now fear of aging. Or maybe I’m just shallow, but I always thought of being shallow as fun, and this isn’t. It’s upsetting and consuming.
In my late ’30s, and my question is … if you start doing that stuff now, when does it end? Do you seriously want to do all that (and possibly more) for decades to come?
I dunno, call me a curmudgeon, but I sort of hate that these options are even available. It’s providing a very skewed view of what aging looks like.
I know objectively that I look older than I used to – I can find crows feet and white hairs if I look for them, and my skin is a lot less elastic than it was.
Nevertheless I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror, and find myself both attractive and healthy looking. Somehow that makes me feel ‘wrong’, as if I am not supposed to find myself beautiful especially as I am nowhere near modelpotential.
On the other hand I still experience a certain preferential treatment from being an attractive women despite being mid-40’es, so it can’t be all wrong:)
I have a slightly different experience. I “came up” as a young attorney in the District Attorney’s office of a larger urban area, and I specialized in sex crimes. I dressed up–almost every day. My husband encouraged me, saying that since I was “pretty” I had an obligation to show up for my victims; it was a little like walking into court as the popular girl in HS. My looks had power, and lent credibility to my victims and my cases. When my colleagues tried cases in cardigans (contrary to local court rules), I was in a full black skirt suit. Dressing up “like a lawyer” or like Olivia Pope on TV had the dual effect of boosting my confidence and giving me the “armor” to fight those down ‘n dirty battles in criminal court. Later when I started specializing in human trafficking, this became even more important–disguises and appearance were a part of the game, so showing up and presenting well was a message to the traffickers in return.
I’ve recently transitioned to the top personal injury firm in my area. It is FANCY. But there are only a handful of female attorneys here. The difference in how men present themselves in dress & hygiene and the women: STARK. Often the men wear three-piece suits, bow ties, and flashier colors & fabric patterns. The women wear older suits, if at all, or a skirt with flats and a blouse. You literally cannot tell them apart from the paralegal staff. I think it’s important to dress for the life you want–whether you have it or not. It’s an expression of my creativity, my intelligence and my attention to detail. We have more work to do than men, but we have more options–and with it, comes an expression of power that I think women miss out on.
My mind is my best weapon, but my outward appearance is my best disguise. Walk into a deposition as the “pretty woman” and your opponent immediately lets his guard down. Say something crafted to conform to their bias (recently I put on the “country nice girl” of “i’m new to this civil practice”) and their guard is shut off entirely. Then blow a crater in their case with just a few pointed questions.
I agree with the “outward appearance is my best disguise” comment when it comes to work. At my old law firm and now in my corporate job, I dress to on the more polished end of business casual, with real consistency. I want people to forget what I look like because I always look reliably the same (excellent jacket, silk or cotton blouse, dress pants, good 2″ heels, good bag). I’d never go to work without subdued makeup and styled hair (with the gray covered).
This has always worked because when I’m just wearing my “uniform,” people tend to pay attention to what I say — a real asset for a lawyer.
Weekends are a different “uniform” — polo shirt, jeans, casual jacket, nice walking shoes. Same concept, same idea of looking classic but basically relatively unnoticeable.
The “uniform” term really resonates with me. You should dress mindfully, considering your audience, what you want people to perceive, and what you want to get done. It has a specific purpose beyond personal tastes, and I modulate accordingly. Early in my consulting career, I dressed formally but blandly on purpose – in several environments I specifically needed to be perceived as serious, polished, and non-threatening. Though you dress for the job you want, it was important that I was not considered a threat to female clients I worked with. And that meant calf-length skirts, boxy jackets, neutral makeup and neat hair. In other environments later on, I was in a position of power and intentionally differentiated myself with my more personal style – more tailored/fitted silhouettes, more bold colors and trendy accessories. In IT specifically, where there are generally more men than women, and frequent bias against women, I took my cues from the dudes and tried not to make fashion and gender a focus. It was about the work, and that’s where I wanted the focus to be – because my primary objective was getting them to accept me enough to give me the information I needed to do a good job. Always consider your purpose and those around you when figuring out how to present yourself. Whether others should judge you or not on your appearance is irrelevant. They do. And as I get older, I’ve had some fillers done and some botox. On a very practical level, I am doing what I have to do to get the engagement and the attention from those who affect my career. It’s just another set of options in the toolbox of skills and assets I have to move forward. I’ve stopped taking it personally.