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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Jane Jacket

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This Bailey 44 jacket came to my attention when readers were talking about a soft knit blazer — AKA a jardigan or sweater blazer — as a good option for situations when a blazer feels a little too stuffy but a sweater feels a little underdressed. This one looks great — I like that the patch pockets are actually functional, and I also like that it only has a single button. I feel that the ruched sleeves can help you avoid a potential trip to the tailor, so I like them as well. (Note that the jacket is dry clean but not dry clean only.) Bailey 44 is usually associated with weekend stuff, but that means they probably know their knits pretty well. This jacket is available in the pictured gray as well as black for $278 at Nordstrom and is also at Amazon, where more sizes are in stock and it's eligible for Prime and Prime Wardrobe. Jane Jacket More affordable options are at Nordstrom: one from Gibson, on sale for $58, and another from 1901 that is $119. Two plus-size alternatives are this $69 Caslon jacket and this one from Lafayette 148 New York that is $548. Speaking of knit blazers, this Theory sweater knit blazer we recently featured is now on sale for $236 — 40% off!)  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.10

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

160 Comments

  1. I like the idea of soft blazers, but I can’t behind the sweatshirt material, which is what this looks like. I also tend to think that ruched sleeves look cheap on blazers, even though this one isn’t, but maybe because it’s so often an element on cheaper dept store or juniors section suits/blazers?

    2. The ruched sleeves and sweatshirt material don’t work well with the button and the notched collar. The combination of softness and structure is odd. A sweatshirt blazer would make much more sense with a shawl collar or no collar and an open front.

  2. The Calson alternative suggestion has been on my “maybe buy” list forever. I don’t love the heathered fabric of this iteration, but knit blazers are pretty comfortable so I keep wanting to try that one.

    1. I bought it a few years ago and downgraded it from my “work” clothes to my “weekend” clothes after a while because it looks schlubby.

  3. Does anyone use a face primer under their foundation or powder? I’m wondering if this will help me not get as shiny and keep my makeup on longer during the day? TIA

      1. They have a mattifying version that I like even better. You have to let Porefessional sit for a minute or it’ll pill on you. The matte version doesn’t have that issue. BUT – I sometimes use the original by itself because it has pretty good coverage, almost like a bb cream. The matte version is translucent so you can’t use it that way.

    2. Yes, I use the Maybelline Master Prime from the drugstore and it’s made a significant difference in how shiny my face gets by the end of the day. I used to say my face would “eat” my makeup because it would just all slide off (or disappear) before I left work, but now I still have the makeup look at dinner time.

    3. I like Hangover Rx from Too Faced, it does a really good job at making my makeup last longer. I am generally very oily so makeup can break apart after a few hours, but this makes it last muuuuch longer.

    4. Yes to primer! It helps my foundation go on more smoothly as well. No hurt in trying it – this is the perfect use of a sample size.

    5. I usually use the sample ones that I get from beauty boxes (they always have a ton in those), but for a cheap recommendation, use the Monistat Anti-chafing gel. I can’t tell a difference between that and the Smashbox photo finish primer except for the $30 difference.

      1. 100% agree with this. I don’t use primer anymore because I found this amazing nuxe DD cream when I was in Paris but when I still used powder I bought the Monistat Anti Chafing gel for like 47 instead of smashbox because I read it up makeupalley or some blog and it is 100% the same.

    6. I really like the primer from ColourPop. It is slightly tacky and keeps my makeup on all day.

    7. I also have oily skin and use it, and it does help a bit but it’s not a magic solution, as my face is all shiny by lunchtime no matter what I use.

      Bare Minerals is the best of the lot for me.

    8. I use a few different primers, and have normal to oily skin. Most of my primers are from NYX, there’s a matte one, a green-based color correcting one for my hyperpigmentation (major game changer for me), there’s a pore filler one, etc etc.
      The primer is great, but what always helps seal it all in is a setting spray. It sounds like a bunch of steps, but I do my moisturizer, primer, foundation, light dusting of setting powder, then setting spray. Using a covergirl setting spray now, it’s keeping my oil at bay well. Takes about 4 to 5 minutes total.
      I also have blotting papers at my desk, which I use around 3 or 4pm.

  4. Do I bite the bullet on La Canadienne? I almost did it last not, but then got severe sticker shock. I have never paid so much for a pair of shoes. I have high arches and a wide toebox, a walking commute in a wet and snowy clime, and don’t currently have a pair of black knee high boots, so they check a lot of boxes but…$500!

    1. Do it! Your feet will be so dry and professional. Seriously. I love mine and I do not every spend that much on any item of clothing.

    2. I have identical feet, and also walk a ton. I bought a pair from Nordstrom last year, then had them sit on the floor of my apartment for a month as I debated keeping them (was I really going to spend $500 on a pair of boots??? Am I now the type of person who spends $500 on boots?? Much soul searching ensured. I kept the boots and wrote a second check to a charity I support). End result – I love them. And, I just checked – mine are actually AquaItalia’s, not La Canadienne. But since our feet sound so similar I’ll post this anyway in case you want to look at those. I have the Venture Narrow Calf, which work great for my narrow calves and wide toes.

      3. There’s narrow calf boot out there that doesn’t also have a narrow foot? Wow!

    3. I feel you on the sticker shock. I waited until a pair I liked went on sale (seemingly randomly at zappos) and went for it, and I looooove them! I also have a wide toe box and narrow heels. I stuck in one of those little Dr. Scholl’s arch support things and they are the comfiest pair of shoes I own.

    4. Worth every penny. I have LC booties and Aquatalia knee highs and they have been such workhorses!

    5. Thanks everyone! I appreciate hearing that it’s a splurge that makes sense. I am so sick of my wonky feet and everything feeling uncomfortable. So I guess better to buy one $$ pair of boots that feel good rather than several pairs I barely wear!

    6. Mine were pretty incredible. I could WADE in them. Moved to TX so they don’t come out as much anymore!

    7. Do it! I’m into my third winter with my beloved pair of LC booties and in the fall and winter I wear them nearly EVERY DAY. I literally only switch them out for tall boots if the snow is too deep to wear the LC’s, because they are waterproof and incredibly warm. I had them re-soled this fall, only because I wear them so much. Easily worth every single penny. I got mine on sale for $300 and I would have paid more, honestly.

    8. Have you looked on Poshmark? I found pair a few years ago and they are still going strong. I love them but I don’t love their price!

  5. Need wardrobe advice: I’ll be traveling to Las Vegas tomorrow for a second round of senior-level interviews for a new position in a national engineering firm (I’m not an engineer). I’m from a cold weather location where we’ve absolutely flipped the wardrobe switch to wool and black tights. Compounded by a physical issue that makes heels iffy, I’m really stumped what to wear. Tomorrow evening is dinner, meeting others on the team on Thursday. Thoughts???

    1. Nice dress with sleeves to dinner, polished shoes, a wedge would be good, heels would be fine because little walking.

      I would wear a suit to the meeting

    2. I’m in Vegas for a conference right now. It’s cold outside at night. During the day it’s mid 60s. You could wear tights – I’ve seen a number of women wearing them at this conference – or you could wear your regular winter clothing with sheer hose or bare legs. I’d wear layers you can peel off if you find yourself too warm. But I don’t think you will.

      Also, no one is outside much in Vegas.

  6. Should I max out my tax withholdings on my paycheck in order to get the most benefit from a Flexible Spending Account? Right now I have the minimum amount withheld.

    1. I don’t understand why one would affect the other. The savings effect of saving pre-tax dollars for healthcare reimbursements matters, but it matters in terms of what your final tax burden is for the year, after you file your tax returns. Not based on what you withhold during the year.

    2. FSA dollars are use it or lose it, so I wouldn’t unless you know you’ll need them. The tax savings is tiny no matter what your income bracket is. If you put $2700 in and only use $1000 you’ll lose far more in unspent contributions than you would save in taxes.

    3. If this is an FSA, only withhold what you know you will spend in the year. FSA money is typically use it or lose it in that year, though changes have allowed plans to roll money over – but it’s plan dependent. And you usually have to set those deductions at benefit enrollment and can’t change them during the year.

      If you mean HSA (health savings account) which you only get if you also have an eligible High Deductible Health Plan, then yes, max out your contribution. HSA money is always yours and you keep it until you spend it (no losing it).

      FSA and HSA are both used to pay eligible medical expenses, but are different things.

  7. I asked on yesterday’s afternoon thread, but it’s always so quiet. What are your traditions for Thanksgiving morning? We used to watch the parade, but we haven’t enjoyed it the past few years and are looking for a new tradition.

    2. We watch the dog show and yell “WHERE’S BUSY BEE” when the Weimaraner comes out.

      3. The did not show the Weimaraner’s walk a few years ago and everyone in my house was annoyed (ILs had a slew of them in the 70s and 80s).

    3. I like to do something fun but active. I don’t have kids, so I like doing a group exercise class, but maybe a 5K would work if you’re looking for a family activity.

    4. I get up and cook. Are you not cooking? If you’re going to someone else’s house for thanksgiving, perhaps you can offer to make a dish and bring it

      Our traditions are – quiche or a breakfast casserole for an early breakfast. No eating after breakfast until the thanksgiving meal, which tends to be late afternoon. The kids usually watch at least part of the parade, but for the last few years they’ve been more interested in helping in the kitchen. Each of them likes to make one of the side dishes and they’re really proud it’s their own.

      Early in the day I always make this maple cashew popcorn to have around to stave off the munchies:

      https://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/spicy-maple-cashew-popcorn

      That popcorn has become one of our favorite household traditions.

      We usually start the meal with a special cocktail in the kitchen, with a virgin version for the kids, before we get into the craziness of carving the bird or trying to get all the cooked food onto the table, make the gravy etc. The cocktail tradition came from a singleton friend who used to join us for thanksgiving every year. She doesn’t cook so she offered to bring a creative cocktail and it was always so much fun. We change it up every year.

    5. One year I volunteered at a local church on Thanksgiving morning to help serve lunch to homeless people in the area.

    6. We finish cooking and then run around the house cleaning like mad until about 3:00 p.m.. Once guests arrive, we like to take a walk to get some fresh air and then play a game. Apples to Apples is a favorite.

    7. I do all my baking the night before (which I can do because I’m never the host!) we stream the Thanksgiving episodes of all my favorite sitcoms and drink coffee and mimosas all morning. It’s my favorite.

    1. I have a flannel shirt from the men’s section at Ralph Lauren and it is the softest thing I own.

  9. I’m moving into a house whose living and dining rooms have cherry-ish floors (like this: http://woodyshardwoodflooring.com/tag/cherry/) and dark wood walls (like this: http://bostonbeards.org/wood-panels-for-walls/wood-panels-for-walls-i-need-ideas-for-a-dark-wood-paneled-wall-in-living-room-white-wood-paneling-for-bathroom-walls/). I’m having trouble thinking about how to make the rooms lighter. For the living room, we have a dark grey fabric couch and a dark brown wooden TV stand. Both are new, so we don’t want to replace them. It’s a rental, so I can’t paint the walls or change the flooring. Any suggestions about how to lighten up the room?

    2. Bright solid or patterned throw pillows and throws! Pictures on the wall in light colored or colorful frames. A light colored or bright colored lamp. If you have the space and budget, buying an accent chair for the living room might help break up all the dark woods and fabric of the couch. It sounds like as the house can’t be changed, and the big furniture can’t be changed either, your best bet is color or light neutrals for all the accent pieces. If the room is physically dark, you may want to get creative and see what you can do to strategically place lights (hanging, decorative, string, etc) around the room.

    4. I had dark wood walls like that in one apartment, which also didn’t get a lot of direct sunlight. It felt as if the walls were absorbing all the light in the place. It always felt dark, even with direct sunlight.

      I ended up getting a light-colored rug to help lighten up the floor and a ton of lamps just to get some light in the place. Also white curtains–didn’t need the curtains, but did need the swath of white to break up the dark, dark walls.

      Another to consider is a large fabric wallhanging, to break up the dark wood and to help absorb sound. A light-colored throw for the sofa.

      One idea I saw on an HGTV show for renters was to get really large artist canvasses–they come as large as 40″ by 60″. Get 3 or 4 and paint them a color you like. The original idea was to get color into a white room that couldn’t be painted, but you could even leave them as is and just have them white. I’d even try string lights behind the canvas, to add more light to the room.

      You might also go over to Apartment Therapy and search for string lights there. They’ve had several posts in the past with some good ideas.

      On the plus side, it’s easy to hang stuff on wood walls, and my landlord, at least, didn’t mind how many nails holes I made.

  10. Does the LV Alma MM hold 8.5’x.11′ paper? Would it sufficiently carry a padfolio? I am hoping to use it daily, and I will likely take it to board meetings.

      1. I’m not going into mod if I check the “Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.” button.

  12. I used to get camisoles with a built-in shelf bra from Old Navy and Aerie. I looked to restock last month, but neither of them carry these anyone.

    Any suggestions on another source?

    1. Same happened to me – I thought these would be perennial essentials! I found some I like at Pact Organic.

    4. JCrew – “Slim perfect tank top with built-in bra” or item B1296. Wait for a sale, though, they’re not worth $22.

  13. I find this so odd and I wonder what you all think – my smallish (~30 person) office decided to have a baking contest. Someone makes a baked good each day, everyone tries everyone else’s, and at the end they vote on whose dessert was best. Presumably there’s some prize. Participation isn’t mandatory but I’d say at least half of the office is participating. I’m not participating because I’m working 80+ hours a week rn and I’m also on a diet and not eating carby treats (though I didn’t tell anyone that’s part of the reason – not trying to shame anyone).

    I noticed that the contest folks put out a sign with their baked good – “only for contest participants.” Apparently if you’re not baking you can’t share in the treats. There’s been some grumbling – when you bring in treats you bring enough to share (not necessarily enough for everyone to have one, but you don’t prohibit people from taking one); otoh, the participants all need to have one and shouldn’t have to make extra to accommodate freeloaders. I’m curious what you all think – is the sign cool or no? (And fwiw yes I know this is petty but sometimes you need a petty distraction; now that I don’t have time for reality TV, this is all I got.)

    1. I mean if the whole point is to have the contest participants vote, the bakers have to ensure that the other participants get a taste, so I think the sign is fine ( putting aside the whole The Office like nature of this baking contest). To me, it’s like pot luck lunches, which our customer service team does a lot. The people who sign up to participate are the ones who get to enjoy the spoils of the other participants’ labor.

      It would also be a great reminder to me as a non-participant to keep my hand out of the (unnecessary for me) cookie jar!

    2. I think it’s very mildly rude (almost all office signs are a terrible idea, IMO) but not worth getting worked up about. If you were running the baking contest and asking if you should limit it to participants only, I’d say it’s not worth possibly upsetting someone. Basically I’d categorize this as “not how I’d handle it but also not really a problem.”

    4. I think the whole thing is kind of dumb but given the nature of the event I think the sign is fine. And I’m chuckling a tiny bit about the fact that you’re not participating because you don’t want to eat carby treats, but you’re miffed that they won’t let you eat the carby treats! (Only a tiny bit though because I’d probably be the same!)

    5. It would be cooler if they let people donate a couple dollars to eat some treats without having to bake anything. Proceeds could go to some charity the company is affiliate with.

  14. Good Morning Y’all. I was just asked by an attorney that I have worked with (as opposing counsel in collective bargaining/contract negotiations) to nominate him for an award. While we had a good working relationship, I do not feel that I know him well enough to nominate him for an award for “work exemplif[ying] outstanding professional conduct, promot[ing] the advancement of justice, and bring[ing] credit to the profession by emphasizing in the public mind the contributions of lawyers to our society and to our democratic system of government.” Is this just something people do? If I should nominate him for goodwill, is it weird to ask him to write his own nomination? Any thoughts appreciated. :)

    1. I wouldn’t nominate him. I’d tell him what you told us above – you appreciated having a good working relationship but don’t feel you know him well enough to nominate him, and wish him the best.

      1. Why though? I am a third year out of law school, he is like 25 years out and he also friended me on facebook. I don’t want to.

        1. Well then don’t. You didn’t include any of those details. I routinely do this for my counterparts across the table because it is collegial but there’s never a suggestion they might be creepy old men hitting on me or taking advantage.

        2. Not a lawyer, but to me it seems super weird that someone would ask you to nominate them for an award. I wouldn’t do it.

        3. Is this one of those pay to play crap awards? I roll my eyes anytime I see those on someone’s profile. I mean don’t do it if you don’t want to but also realize there are quite a few meaningless awards out there which people like to collect.

      2. Um…part of what deal? The deal of being an attorney (it’s not)? The deal she negotiated (it wouldn’t be)?

        There is no social or professional obligation that requires you to nominate this man. He’s only asking because he can’t do it himself. Tbh if he deserved such an award he’d be asking coworkers or classmates he has worked with the last 25 years, not you.

        1. thank you. that’s what i thought (and his fbook request is going to rot in my inbox).

    3. You could totally ask him to write his own nomination, or offer to “second” somebody else’s if they nominated him first.
      Excuses for just saying no include: I really don’t think my opinion would help that much! I don’t have time! I know you’re great but I haven’t worked with you enough!

      Also, don’t be friends on Facebook with work people!

  15. I never signed up for ShopRunner but I see I can get it via PayPal. Do people here find it useful? I don’t want to pay for it, and it appears to be offered via PayPal for free. Please advise.

    1. Yes, I find it useful, but I also get it for free (via AMEX). If I had to pay for it, I would pass.

    2. I also have a free membership. I pretty much use it exclusively at Brooks Brothers, from whom I would never order anything without it. Their shipping charges are ridiculous and out of date in the online shopping world. For free, you have nothing to lose by signing up!

    3. I have it for free through my credit card and it has been useful in a couple of instances – I can’t remember what stores. Maybe Nordstrom? It gives you free two-day shipping, so it’s helped me out a couple of times. If it’s free there’s no harm really in getting it.

    5. Same, I only have it because I got a one year free promo. Wouldn’t pay for it otherwise, unless it were something nominal like $10/year like Sephora.

      1. If you’re referring to Sephora Flash, that’s increasing 50% to $15 for 2019, just an FYI.

  16. Has anyone ever dealt with paying back a portion of your salary or a bonus, moving expenses, etc. to your employer? I’m thinking of leaving my job in the near future but will likely be required to repay my recent maternity leave (the company’s policy says you have to pay it back if you leave within a year). If so, how did it work logistically? How did it affect your taxes? And did you repay the amount you actually received or the pre- tax amount?

    1. I’ve worked for a couple companies that have had a similar policy regarding paying back tuition and training money, but it was never enforced.

    2. My company has this (signing bonus only, as far as I know, definitely not parental leave). It is the pre-tax amount, and it is brought up and pursued when you put in your notice.

      1. Same. I have no idea how it played out when it came to taxes as it was a somewhat small signing bonus anyway, so I didn’t pursue it that much. The company, however, was unnecessarily aggressive and continued to hound me after I’d sent my check.

    3. I know a couple of law firms that have that policy. IME, friends who left right shortly (within a few months) of returning from maternity leave had to pay it back, and I think it was the pre-tax amount. Friends who left close to a year after returning (i.e. 10 or 11 months, when the firm would have to actually do math to remember if it was in that year period) didn’t have to pay it back cause the firm never raised the issue.

    4. A friend moved to take a job, using company relocation expenses. Said job and boss were, ah, not a match for my friend, who ended up taking medical leave to deal with mental health issues… and subsequently left the job within the 1 year or 18 month period or whatever. She did retain a lawyer to make sure everything was “kosher” and he advised setting aside the relocation expenses in case the company did ask her to repay it, but they never did and apparently the issue is moot after a certain period of time passes. So…. definitely get professional advice.

    5. I have advised companies on enforcing these kinds of agreements. If they choose to enforce it: the terms of repayment can be negotiable – so if they ask you to pay all in a lump sum, you can try to negotiate a repayment agreement over time or a reduced amount. If you are getting any kind of separation pay, you can try and offset the debt with that. Generally the repayment is a contract issue, so the statute of limitations for breach of contract in your state would govern when the issue is moot.

  17. Tristate area ladies– we’ve lived in Manhattan for the past 8 years and are starting to think about becoming commuters/where we may move in the next 6 months or so. Factors in wanting to move are 1) we have a 3 month old now and 2) we’re really ready to have more space/other things that come with living in a slightly less densely populated area.

    Husband works in downtown Brooklyn. I work on east 34th. We’re looking for more space (possibly a townhouse or even a real house), a small yard, and would buy a car if we needed to.

    Have you been in a similar situation, and where did you move? Where should we move? NJ? Westchester? Brooklyn/Queens? I know a lot of this is based on personal preference but we don’t have a lot of preferences in that regard. No family nearby, etc.

    1. Can you afford a house in Ditmas park? If so you’re two work locations sound perfect for that.

      1. Or nearby Kensington / Windsor Terrace. Not cheap by any means and not as pretty as parts of Ditmas but the schools may be better if you are in District 15.

    2. I would avoid NJ or Westchester for your husband’s sake because that would mean either a terrible drive or a multi-system commute crossing two rivers. Either way, I think it would be a terrible commute. Brooklyn probably makes the most sense, though some neighborhoods (like the suggested Ditmas Park) are getting more and more expensive. I think Queens can be a bit cheaper and would be easier for your commute.

      If I were you, I’d also consider Nassau County or Eastern Queens. You could take the LIRR to Penn Station (maybe eventually to Grand Central, when they open up the East Side Access) and your husband could take the LIRR to Atlantic Terminal. Avoid towns on the Port Washington line because I believe it only goes to Penn Station and does not stop at Jamaica. Most of the other lines should either have both Penn and Brooklyn trains or will have the opportunity to change at Jamaica for a Brooklyn-bound train. You will probably want at least one car.

    3. I personally would rule out Queens. I think your husband’s commute would be a PITA.

      Is there any reason why you’re not considering LI? You could go to Penn and your husband could take the train to Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn.

    4. My situation is similar, I work in midtown and husband works in downtown Brooklyn. We recently moves to Astoria and have a house with a yard and parking. The commute on the subway to Brooklyn is not great, but he started driving and it isnt bad at all. We ruled out westchester/NJ because commuting to Brooklyn from there seemed worse.

    5. Yes, I’m in Westchester and like it but only b/c I don’t have a subway ride in addition to MetroNorth. That would be miserable. Agree with Brooklyn/Queens locations depending on the train lines you need.

  18. I have the 1901 version and like it a lot. The stripes on the arms are actually great because they make it look like an intentional swacket – not a sweatshirt masquerading as a black blazer*. The knit is substantial and keeps me warm and it looks polished without being formal. (I wear it with jeans at my very casual workplace.) I haven’t tried to wash it yet so no experience there.
    *One downside – my husband calls me Captain Tenneal when I wear it.

  19. Looking for some third party input. For thanksgiving this year, my husband and I are hosting both of our families (which is on the smaller side – 8 people total). We both love to cook and trying new dishes, so we plan on making several things, especially because it’s a group of kind of picky people and it’s no bother to me to have both mashed potatoes and a sweet potato side dish, for example. However, my mom (and my dad, but to a lesser extent) have this habit where they are constantly commenting on the quantity of food, whether it’s something that my husband and I have made, or a portion size at a restaurant.

    I get it, portion sizes at restaurants are often huge. But Sunday we had dinner at a Chinese restaurant and while I wasn’t planning on eating my entire portion, my mom brought up the size of the portions of everyone’s dishes no less than 5 times for each person over the course of the meal (“well you can have one of those tonight and then that other one is Monday’s lunch and then that one is Tuesday’s lunch….” (mean while I’m thinking..”mom, there’s like two portions here, not 7!!!”)). These comments just really, really bother me because I feel guilty for eating any more than what she might deem the appropriate portion, even if I’m just really, truly actually hungry (maybe ate an early lunch, maybe i’m just hungry).

    Is there any way to let her know that I would prefer for her to just, for thanksgiving, not comment on the quantity of food? There’s going to be a lot of food, but I’m cooking with the intention of having leftovers. I’m not expecting the 8 of us to eat it all in one sitting. Or am I just SOL because anything I say will make my mom upset? thanks in advance!

    1. I would say something to her, but as kindly as possible. Commenting on what others are eating and trying to control their portions is just not ok.

    2. Remember that you’re a grown adult, not a little girl who has to worry about pleasing her parents. “Mom, you may not realize it, but you constantly comment on food portions and it makes me sensitive about dining with you. For Thanksgiving in particular and meals in general, could you be mindful of your comments about the amount of food? It would really help me enjoy the day more.”

    3. This is a continuation of a theme I’ve noticed in the comments lately: My parents say things that hurt my feelings. How can I stop them? The answer is that you can’t control their behavior; you can only control your reaction to it. You can engage (“Stop it, Mom! You always say I eat too much and it hurts my feelings.”), deflect (“Yes, I’m hungry!”, “Yes, I’m glad there’s a lot of food so I won’t have to cook for the rest of the weekend!”), say nothing and let silent resentment ruin your entire day, dismiss it and move on, or decide that it bugs you so much that you are going to limit how much time you spend with your parents. Your parents are who they are and they are not going to change. You are an adult and you are responsible for your own feelings.

      1. This helps me a lot with my mother in law.
        I will say though that in this case your mom is being weird and should probably be called out on it. It’s probably not just uncomfortable for you, but for everyone at the table. I’m thin and everyone seems to love to comment on what/how much I eat/imply an eating disorder and it really ruins the meal for me.

    4. If she’s reasonable, I would just talk to her ahead of time. “Mom, we’re hosting our first Thanksgiving for the combined families and really want it to go well. Can I have you be my secret ally? Can you please help it go well by only making positive comments about the day? For example, if you notice anything about amount of food, please don’t say it. It is really going to freak me out if you say ANYTHING about too much or not enough food at Thanksgiving. I’d really really appreciate it. Thanks Mom, I know I can count on you to be in my corner! You’re the best!”

      2. I know what you’re trying to suggest here but your scripting sounds like you’re talking to a toddler.

        Just saying, “Mom, I’m looking forward to cooking for everyone for Thanksgiving but it’s definitely a bit of added stress. Recently you’ve made comments sometimes about the quantity of food prepared; it would help me enjoy the day more and minimize my stress if you just didn’t say anything like that.”

        No need for being “secret allies” or anything like that.

    5. I’m trying to envision how this conversation would play out, and I don’t see it resulting in a satisfying outcome for you or her. Also, just as an aside, I’ve found that my parents / inlaws have naturally started eating less than they did when they were younger. They just don’t feel comfortable eating a lot of food in one sitting. And, they’re becoming more frugal overall because of fixed incomes, so they try to stretch leftovers. So there could be an entirely innocent reason for the comments. Because of that, I would probably just ignore her comments, or respond with something to the effect of, “yeah, I’m really looking forward to the leftovers.”

      BUT, if you feel like she’s trying to body/weight shame you (which I read from your post), then that is a different conversation that is entirely appropriate to have with her.

    6. Comments on portion sizes would be pretty annoying! That said, I’d address it at a non-Thanksgiving time. Emotions run high through the holidays and it’s not the best time to tweak interpersonal interactions. Could you be honest with your mother (at some non-meal time) that her comments on portion sizes make you feel self-conscious. Since it’s such a habit with her it’s very unlikely one conversation will do the trick so you’ll have to re-enforce your boundary when she next comments on it. Try to do so lightly by, for example, simply remarking that the comments make you feel self conscious and then continuing whatever conversation was already going on.

      1. I think this kind of unreality over food is pretty common in older people. I vividly remember my grandfather getting 1/2 lb of egg salad out of the fridge and saying it would be a good lunch for his two children, their spouses and five grandchildren. My mother stared at him in disbelief and continued getting a real lunch ready.

    7. My instinct is to try to shut it down in the moment. For general comments about the quantity of food you serve, I’d probably say something like, “Yes, we had so much fun making these recipes. Yes, today we’re thankful to have plenty of food on the table.” If she comments on how much someone puts on their plate, or how much someone eats, I’d shut it down hard.

      If you bring it up ahead of time, she’s probably going to make it into a whole big thing. You might be able to say something casual, like, “We’re so excited to make these new recipes. And it’ll be great to have leftovers all weekend!” I doubt anything that subtle will help.

    8. I have a mom like yours, who cannot be dissuaded from making whatever comment she pleases, and she herself could never hurt anybody’s feelings with her comments or intend any insult whatsoever my stars how can you possibly suggest such a thing she’s just looking out for you you ungrateful child are you calling her a terrible mother.

      I have never actually managed to achieve this, because moms are experts at pushing ALL of your buttons (because they installed them, heh heh), but my ideal approach would just be to cheerfully respond to each unnecessary comment with, “Well, we’ll be eatin’ good for a week!” and repeat as necessary until she shuts up or goes home.

    10. I think it would be highly unusual for someone to change a habit she’s had for decades simply because a daughter asks her to stop. People rarely change that quickly unless they’re highly motivated. And it doesn’t sound like your mom would be highly motivated to begin noticing what she says, catching herself in the act of saying it, and stopping the words coming out of her mouth.

      You’re left with working on your own response. In the moment, just respond with the cheerful comments suggested here. In a longer term process, you could work on what to do with the guilt you feel when you eat something she doesn’t seem to approve of.

    11. In situations like this I try to be direct. My grandmother actually does the same thing and I say “I disagree; I think it’s an appropriate amount of food and/or I’m glad that I’ll have leftovers.” If she continues then I say something like “It bothers me when you comment on portion size because it makes me feel self conscious about how much I’m eating. I’ll enjoy our time together more if I’m not worrying about that.” Overall I try to keep it in context– my grandmother has some really unhealthy views and complicated feelings about food, weight, appearance, etc. I understand her comments are not really about me, so I generally don’t take it to heart.

    12. I think in this scenario you go on the offensive. Literally greet her at the door with “Welcome. Oh my we have SOOOO much food. We’ve been having a great time cooking and are so excited for leftovers all weekend.” That way you proactively frame it in her mind (and more importantly yours) that “too much” food is a Good thing. So whenever she comments on how much food there is the rest of the day – it’s a compliment!

      1. This is a remarkably normal and reasonable response and I would hire you for my family therapist slash advice-giver.

    13. Bring it up in the moment, not ahead of time. Talking to her about it ahead of time is likely to result in disappointment for you. She is who she is and she’s likely going to keep making these comments. If you ask her not to and then she still does it, you’re inviting the extra stress of – omg I went to the trouble of having a Conversation with you and you didn’t listen to me! That’s a lot of pressure to put on the holidays.

      Have some deflections ready to go – Thanksgiving is all about the food! Yes it’s great to have leftovers! I hope you’ll take some with you!

    14. This would drive me crazy, and I would go crazy in return, and get out little little tupperware cups, half-cups, and big black sharpie and just start divvying up the portion and labeling it with her name on it – MOM – and her meal – MONDAY LUNCH. And be sure to hand it to her – all 7 containers – when she leaves. Drive it to her house if necessary, or mail it.
      Obviously there is a lot of drama in my family but we love each other.

    15. OP here – thanks for the responses! I want her to stop this habit and I also want to not have any drama make anyone upset. I know that this is not a possible outcome.
      And I think it does have to do with my parents being older and retired/on a fixed income, because it has increased in recent years. I appreciate all the comments- you’ve given me some things to think about.

  20. I think this is an old person thing. My mom’s view of food completely changed in her late 60’s. Specifically she went from a total food snob (my parents were serious foodies and very into cooking – no store bought salad dressings, I had to beg for frozen pizzas, etc) to saying things like “the best roast you will ever put in your mouth is made by Hormel and found in the refrigerator section”. My parents also considered it a faux pas to run out of food while hosting so I knew things had really changed when I visited with my six year old and they served frozen Bertolli chicken parmigiana (“The trick is to add your own (meaning Paul Newman’s own) sauce.”). Which is perfectly fine but they only prepared one bag of it and we had four people. The next morning she was cutting toast in half to share. The whole thing was such a dramatic departure from they way I was raised by the very same people. No financial issues. Later that day I had an arranged ride with a friend’s business colleague. I told him the story and he said he had visited his parents in their 70’s who had taken out Chinese at lunch to serve for supper. All cool. His mom starts heating hot and sour soup in a sauce pan and egg rolls on a cookie sheet. They sat down to eat it, and business colleague was wondering what had been selected for the entree. No entree. Supper was soup and egg rolls. :) I think changing attitudes about food are common as people age. That does not make it less annoying but hopefully brings some level of understanding.

    1. +1. My MIL recently baked six potatoes for nine people, then wondered why there weren’t enough to go around.

    2. In the last 2 years, not once have I eaten with my mother-in-law without her saying there’s too much food.

  21. Looking for styling help! I got the AT Factory navy sheath posted a few days ago and really like it (link below) but how do I wear it for:
    1) business formal presentation at a conference in the next few weeks. I will be speaking at a podium. Conference is in DC, defense contractors. How do I style it? Specifically, what shoes, what blazer? I need to buy a blazer anyway since I am back to work after maternity leave and nothing fits.
    2) business casual-ish at work in the near future. I’m at a govt agency. Some days are more formal than others, but never a suit. I’ve tried the dress with the cardigans I have and it looks weird. Should I keep trying with different cardigans? What color? Or is there an option other than sheath+cardigan? Also, any advice on shoes/boots and accessories is appreciated.

    Thank you for helping me get dressed!

    1. This is the dresss: https://factory.anntaylor.com/cap-sleeve-sheath-dress-in-industrial-navy/470274?cid=aff_j3wYAlndgaI&siteID=j3wYAlndgaI-Iy9SntBLzi1DAkNsIxH2pw&ranSiteID=j3wYAlndgaI-Iy9SntBLzi1DAkNsIxH2pw&Pubname=Corporette&SID=2135819

      Fabric quality is very nice, lining is good, fit (size 14) works for my pear shape. Color is just like the picture (a very light navy). Neckline is a little low. I’m 5’9″ and it hits right at the top of the knee, which is what I wanted.

    2. I wear snakeskin print shoes with navy and either camel or gray.

      I hate to suggest you go shop for another dress, but our weather in D.C. has been so cold and soggy lately, and that dress really seems better suited to the other 3 seasons. Cap sleeves do best on their own without a topper. We’re all wearing black tights now, so maybe a black dress and blazer with a bold statement necklace? I’ve also seen senior gov’t women wear aubergine or a dark green to great effect.

      1. For business casual, I would wear it with burgundy or mustard tights and booties.

      2. Grey is a great idea, though you may be right about a different dress this time of year. I have an old black suit that is fine but not exciting. Maybe I’ll get a new blouse for it. I’m also intrigued by the idea of aubergine and will look into it. Thanks!

    3. 1)Would you wear a navy blazer with other outfits? AT has a matching navy blazer that you could get for the presentation. Black pumps are fine with navy. Military uniforms mix navy with black shoes all the time.
      2)I am cardigan-averse, so no help there. I would wear it in the summer with a thin leopard print belt.

      1. I probably would not wear the blazer with other things, but maybe I will go to AT to check it out anyway. It could be nice to have at least one really nice business formal outfit ready to go. I do love the idea of a leopard belt and will add that to my wardrobe. Thanks!

    4. Why do the cardigans look weird? You may have to experiment with length – note that I wear cardigans ever day, so I’m Team Never Too Many Cardigans.

      I have a very similar navy dress and think I’m just going to do black tights with black shoes or booties (observing Capitol Hill Style’s 2/3 rule). I would actually not do navy tights or shoes, because I think navy shoes always look kind of cheap. I don’t have a problem with navy tights + black shoes, but I think you’d need to match the navy tights and dress pretty closely.

      I’d probably play around with grays for a cardigan or blazer. Probably darker grays, or maybe a very fine houndstooth or something like that. Maybe a dark camel, but camel looks terrible on me so I don’t have much experience with wearing it.

      1. I think they look weird because they are slightly misshapen from being old and are either too long and swamp the dress (though the fabric isn’t too heavy) or too short and just look frumpy. The dress is nice and makes all the flaws of the cardigans stand out. I think the solution is buy more cardigans, which I’m on board with.

        Black tights + black shoes would work for what I have – thanks! With maybe a grey cardigan or blazer. Charcoal, maybe. Camel doesn’t work for my coloring, either.

        Thank you all! I am excited to shop for this. Grey cardigan recommendations are welcome, though I know it is late in the day.

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