Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Drape V-Neck Short-Sleeve Blouse 

335 Comments

1. I missed the thread yesterday about the prettiest item you own and wanted to piggyback on what Senior Attorney said about throwing a party for a painting. I have a beautiful old house built in 1920 and am planning on throwing her a 100 year “roaring 20s” birthday party in a couple years. I’ve been planning it in my head ever since I bought the house a couple years ago. :)

   1. How fun! I saw a letter ballon set on Pinterest that said “Drop it like it’s F Scott” and it’s been making me want to throw a 20s party ever since.

   2. That party sounds fantastic! Invite me, I have the perfect beaded dress!

   3. Very fun! I lived in Alexandria VA ~2003 or so and when we were walking around Old Town there one evening, someone had thrown a 200th birthday party for their townhouse. People were dressed up in period costumes!! It made me laugh because I was not a homeowner then, my parents’ house was built in 1980 and I can’t really imagine a 200 year birthday celebration for it, with us in the future wearing 1979-1981 clothes! But I was also jealous! Have fun!

   4. So fun! Have a ball!

   5. I adore the fashion from that time, and would be so excited for a costume party from that era. What a great reason to throw a party!

2. Are home security systems worth it? I own a single family home on a quiet cul de sac in a small college town. Violent crime is unheard of here (except things like domestic abuse); property crime is fairly rare. My mom insists we need to purchase a home security system, but my parents tend to be a bit paranoid about this stuff so I thought I would solicit other opinions. If you’ve installed one and could share how much it costs that would also be great.

   1. Completely unnecessary

   2. I think it can be a waste. I have insurance for property crime. If someone breaks into my house when I’m home, it’s probably to do me harm and the alarm system wouldn’t help with that.

      I live in a top 25 US city with crime (tends to just be property crime in my ‘hood and our burglars burgle during the day when people are working or when people are away on vacations; you’d be surprised how many people just don’t lock things up).

      I got one for a rental in my city for one tenant who was just fearful (she was OK with raising the rent to cover it). The next tenants didn’t want it and I cancelled it and no one has asked for it back (now tenants have other options that don’t need a LL to sign off on).

      1. “If someone breaks into my house when I’m home, it’s probably to do me harm and the alarm system wouldn’t help with that.”

         That makes no sense whatsoever. If someone breaks into my home with the intent of doing me harm, and the alarm goes off, they call my cell phone. If I don’t answer and provide a code, they know I’m in trouble and the police are called. And there’s a freaking loud alarm going off. Of COURSE that’s going to sharply deter the number of bad-guys who are going to hang around and continue doing me harm while there’s a loud alarm going on and police are pulling into the driveway.

         Honestly, if you don’t want one, don’t get one, but that’s a completely silly thing to say.

         1. In a major city, police handle residential alarms at a priority that may not be your priority. There are so many false alarms that you can get fined in my city after the second or third. Actual 911 calls are priorities.

            I bought a house with a security system sign in the yard. I left it there. I don’t have it turned on.

            If you don’t want someone to break into your house, get a dog (or a Beware of Dog sign).

            But, honestly, if someone is breaking into your house to do you you harm, it is a man that you already know. Not a stranger.

            1. +1 The police in my city do not prioritize residential alarm calls over actual 911 calls. We are understaffed and it can take them hours to respond to a 911 call.

               I have an alarm system, but it’s not connected to a service. I only use it for the noise, as that is generally what will deter someone trying to break into your house. I worked for a commercial alarm system company as my first job out of college, and it’s either the sign itself (so get a sign or window stickers) or the noise when the alarm is tripped. I do have a Nest doorbell outside and a camera inside that can see anyone on my block (city row house block) and in and out of my first floor.

            2. You should read An Incredible Story. You seem to have the same sense of what’s credible.

      2. I live in a gentrified enclave of a big city and I’ve never felt an alarm was worth the cost. The one time (in 10 years) that a person was breaking into houses on my street, the police were ON IT in terms of response time and finding the guy. We don’t have any particularly valuable possessions either (anyone breaking in would get some jewelry and some liquor if they were super-smart as well as a).

         FWIW, I’ve lived in much higher-crime areas of the same city when the crime rate was a lot higher. Even then, my car got broken into a grand total of one time, probably because my apartment building had an automatic gate backing into an alley.

   3. I’d look not just at the dollars, but the time at setting it each time you leave/go to bed, disarming it when you come home, dealing with false alarms, and wasting police time with false alarms.

      1. This is why we don’t have one. But DH and I rarely travel. If either of us was home alone with the kids on a regular basis, we’d probably get one.

      2. It takes 1 second to set/disarm. The time it takes will have absolutely no impact on your life. I can even set mine from my phone. Also false alarms are rare and should not be factored in as a reason your should not get a home security system.

         1. the amount of false alarms varies depending on the company. My friends have one that sometimes goes off and does not accept the code

      3. The “time spent” turning it on and off isn’t even 5 seconds each time. Totally worth the peace of mind.

   4. We also live on a quiet cul de sac in a mid-size city, and we opted to install a home security system. We spent maybe $200 a few years ago to install the alarm, and we spend $40/month for monitoring. It is worth it to me for the peace of mind. I feel safer at home when my husband travels, and we know that our house is being monitored when we travel together.

      1. I am the poster below that got the dog. I will say I was 100x more comfortable with the dog when my husband travelled. I don’t care about property (we don’t have 100k art pieces or family heirlooms; everything else is replaceable and insured) but man was I happy when my dog barked and scared some (drunk, harmless) neighborhood teens off my lawn while DH was traveling.

         1. We also have a dog, but he is definitely not a guard dog. He greets everyone at the door with his tail wagging, and he hardly ever barks.

            1. I have one of those, too, but the person on the other side of the door does not know that. They just see enthusiastic pointy teeth at groin-level and decide they don’t really need to try to sell me siding after all.

            2. We have a large dog (a retriever, but with a vicious bark when someone is knocking – UPS driver assumed rott/pitt).

               When someone tried to break in at 3am, the dog barked. The man continued to try and break down the door while *barking back at the dog*. For 11 minutes, until the police showed up.

            3. When we were burglarized a few years ago, I’m pretty sure our pug ran straight at them expecting kisses. They shut her in our bedroom while they stole every single one of our electronics.

               The cop who took our report said he’d heard of thieves taking friendly dogs. Not sure what I would have done had that happened.

   5. +1 Completely unnecessary. I also live alone on a quiet street in a college town. Never felt the need. For the most part, those companies prey on homeowners’ irrational fears.

   6. Well, I don’t lock my front door so I may not be the best source here…but no. I live in a leafy wealthy suburb of Boston on a main road. If I’m going to be robbed, a door lock won’t stop someone. We have a dog that’s big and barky. She would hurt anyone but I can tell you the UPS guy and random solicitors keep their distance and I like it that way. We do have a camera mounted to capture traffic in/out of our driveway largely because we have had car accidents in front of our house before and want license plate #s in the event of property damage. Won’t stop a crime but will help after the fact.

      There is no random violent crime in our area.

      FWIW, I have been robbed before (in another house). The doors were locked. They smashed a window and unlocked the door. Luckily they were just on a crime spree looking for pills and the best we had was some birth control and benedryl. They grabbed an iPod I had left on the kitchen counter. We got a dog the next week (we’d been planning to get one but this accelerated my timeline a few months) and never again had a problem.

      1. Counterpoint: I live in a smallish city with average petty crime, and in many neighborhoods here, thieves will walk through neighborhoods checking doorknobs. If it’s unlocked, they let themselves in and swipe some stuff before moving on. They also do this with cars. They don’t “break in,” they just go in whatever is unlocked. Just wanted to offer that as a counterpoint to the “door lock won’t stop someone” approach.

         1. This is common in my small city too. Not many true “break ins”. Just stuff swiped from unlocked cars/houses.

            1. Same in my small “city” (state capitol). Most of the entry related crimes are in cars and homes that are unlocked. I lock my door even it I am walking the dog around the block.

         2. Yes, same in my ritzy suburb of Chicago. We used to live in the city and get a kick out of reading the police blotter – small theft of people who don’t lock their doors or cars. Who doesn’t lock their doors?! That being said, we got a Simplisafe because my husband travels a lot and have been extremely happy with how easy it is to set up and use. (We priced it against ADT, etc. and couldn’t believe how expensive it was and that it only covered 2 points of entry. To cover as many as Simplisafe did would be even more expensive.) Yes we have insurance (which is by the way discounted bc of the system), but my sister’s house was broken into many years ago and someone rifling through your valuables and personal items is really unsettling. You never really feel safe again. My cousin is a police officer and has one, too, for the deterrent value. (When I lived in a condo building in the city with three fob entries, a 24-hour doorman for sign-ins and packages, and two deadbolts, I deactivated the alarm system as it was just not necessary and expensive.) Anyway, OP, do what feels right for you. If you are interested in pursuing one, we’ve been happy with Simplisafe and have heard similar things from friends about Nest, Arlo, etc.

            1. To be honest, I leave my door unlocked with some regularity. Not on purpose, though. I just forget sometimes. I do have a security system that I set religiously, though. I figure if I do accidentally forget to lock the door, it’ll go off and wake me or scare away the intruder. It gives me great peace of mind to have the system. My city has quite a bit violent crime. My neighborhood does not have so much violent crime, but there is a bit of petty crime. I don’t think I’d get one if I lived in a quiet neighborhood in a city that doesn’t get much crime.

               One of my friends had her house broken into and had an unmonitored alarm. The intruder clearly just grabbed for something that looked valuable and portable, but that’s all he took. She lives on a quiet street and her neighbors work, so we think she would have been cleaned out if the alarm hadn’t gone off.

            2. A lot of people keep car doors unlocked in areas with lots of petty crime where you have to park on the street. If you have nothing in the car to steal, better to have someone open the door and rifle through the car than to constantly pay to replace a shattered window.

            3. Yea, I don’t do this but I kinda understand the sentiment. My car has never been able to be fixed since someone tried to pry it open and smashed the window. I have a loud wind noise whenever I drive on the highway that no car shop has been able to fix. Getting your car forcibly broken into is such a pain beyond what stuff is actually taken from the car.

            4. When I parked my car on the street in Chicago, I had the window broken 3 separate times. After the 2nd time, I started leaving my car unlocked with the glove compartment and ashtray open, so potential thieves could see there was nothing to steal. I still had the window broken a 3rd time by someone who apparently didn’t try the handle first.

         3. This is in my city large enough to have an NFL team (not Green Bay or Buffalo).

      2. This is the best plan. My parents next door neighbors were broken into and the police said that the only thing that really deters burglars is a big dog. There are so many false alarms that they don’t even get top priority for response any more until after the alarm company has verified it’s not a false alarm. So they know they have lots of time before police show up. If they see or hear a big dog, they move onto the next house/neighborhood.

         1. “There are so many false alarms that they don’t even get top priority for response any more until after the alarm company has verified it’s not a false alarm. ”

            Um, this is exactly how it’s supposed to work. The police are not dispatched immediately; the alarm company calls your home (or whatever other numbers you’ve designated) and then only after no one has answered and given the all-clear do they trigger the police responding. I think some of you really don’t understand how alarm systems work. If you did accidentally walk downstairs in the middle of the night and trigger it, you’re not wasting any police resources at all.

            Cars have alarms, and cars are way less valuable than homes (and the people in them).

            1. Right but then it’s like 10 mins before police get notified that it’s not a false alarm and then the police shows up another 10 mins later? burglars are long gone by then.

               If you’re in a low crime area, alarms are not necessary and just lead to a fear of crime if you have to set the thing every time you leave the house.

            2. My alarm company previously had it set that they did not verify with me first before dispatching the police, which led to several police visits because I mistakenly hit the “panic” button on the key fob instead of the “off” button. These police visits also cost me $100 a pop. I eventually got the alarm company to change it so they had to call me before they called the police, but they were real pains about making the change (surely I don’t want to endanger myself in that way, right?).

               #vent

      3. You are exactly the type of person to cry on the news about all your **it taken in a burglary when you have no alarm, left your door and car unlocked, computer on the table, and jewelry on your dresser. Go ahead and leave yourself vulnerable, it makes your house the easier target so your sensible neighbors who protect themselves with basic safety can avoid the mess.

      4. Paying for a camera but not a security system doesn’t make sense to me. It’s the classic locking the barn door after the horse is gone.

         1. The camera is not for burglars. It’s primarily for the reason I gave above- to have a recording of the street activity. We have an expensive stone wall that gets hit occasionally and got it after the first hit-and-run.

   7. To me it is. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly fearful, but it definitely provides me peace of mind. I think it cost roughly $200 for them to come set it up and ~$30-40/mo.

   8. If I was you I would just install Ring on your front door, back door, garage. We have it and it’s great. Costco/Sams always have them on sale. It even has a siren on the app so that if you see someone on your property you can activate the siren while you call 911. We love it b/c it keeps our dog-sitter honest because we can see her come/go with the dog.

      1. This is what I’m planning to do. We have an alarm system the prior owners installed but didn’t activate it. I’m just going to get a few cameras which seems like they would be more useful and cheaper. And on a related question–anyone have a favorite brand of home security camera? We already have Nest thermostats/smoke detectors, but it seems like their cameras may not be the best option.

      2. We got simpli-safe after a burglary a few years ago. It’s easy to customize for your needs – all we need are door alarms and a couple motion sensors. We had one false alarm in the first three months of use and then never after that.

         It’s successfully deterred at least one break-in attempt, which to me makes it 100% worth it.

         I’m a little surprised by so many folks saying it’s unnecessary. Insurance claims are a huge pain, you might lose something irreplaceable, and getting robbed unsettling and scary.

   9. Keep in mind that most security systems will also alert you about floods or fires, so it’s more than protection from burglars. We travel a lot and I like knowing our house is being monitored while we’re away.

      1. This, particularly as we have a dog that we absolutely adore to pieces.

         While there is nothing “fancy” to take from our home, I want to make sure my dog is as safe as possible while I am away–this includes fires and carbon monoxide.

   10. Yes. I don’t understand why people don’t want it when it costs like $50/month and a few cameras cost like $200. Sorry but I want to know who is walking up to the front door whether I’m home or not.

   11. I’ve lived in big cities all my life, and currently live alone in a mixed-income neighborhood with some crime (i.e. package theft, occasional burglars when people are away, and very rare gun crime half a mile south of me btw people who generally know each other). I have never had a home security system and don’t want to waste the money on it.

       Having said that, if crime is something you, not your parents, are concerned about, then it doesn’t seem like a lot to spend for the piece of mind.

       1. I’d be more inclined to buy one for a suburban or rural property, especially if the area was lightly policed. But according to half of my family, my city is sooooooo scary and sooooo dangerous (probably because it’s not full of white people).

   12. It’s a personal comfort thing. However, there are a lot more “DIY” options for security systems. DH and I built our own system from a company called Abode. You can get real into it, with glass break sensors, etc., but you can also just have a few pieces. And, specifically with Abode, it “works with nest” so you can incorporate other smart home items into the system. (For example, we have a couple “smart outlets” that turn lights on and off in our house. that we can control from the security system app). It works for us, but YMMV.

   13. I live in a first floor condo in a very nice/expensive old neighborhood in an major city. The adjacent neighborhood a few blocks away, particularly some retail shops between my neighborhood and the homes of the next, struggles with gang activity, but that is very localized. In my neighborhood, thefts of opportunity are most common: someone left a car unlocked, a door to their detached garage open, a bike left out in the yard or not well locked, packages occasionally taken off a porch. I do not have a working security system – the woman who owned my home before me did, and I continued to pay for it for a few years, but have stopped now. The monitoring wasn’t worth it and the few times it went off, it was annoying to both me and my neighbors. My city also charges a fee for a home monitoring system permit to help cover the cost of false calls.

       Anything can happen, but I think largely, common sense goes a long way. We have motion-detecting outdoor lights. I leave a few lamps on a timer (the same one I use for my seedlings in the spring) when I go on vacation. Double check that your doors are locked at night, and maybe upgrade the lock system. Don’t leave windows open when you leave. Look at smart home accessories if you want a camera on your front door.

   14. OP please note that the huge amount of people saying its unnecessary live in sleepy safe suburbs (minus the person in a metro area that got robbed before – you’re insane get an alarm system). If you live in an area (which is pretty much all areas in a larger urban city) with any amount of property crime, drugs, or robberies, or even within walking distance of a neighborhood you should get an alarm.

       Will that alarm physically stop someone coming into your home? Of course not. But it will dispatch police if someone breaks in and the alarm is not disarmed, and the loud blaring sound will scare off a robber and alert your neighbors to his presence. The cost in comparison to the potential benefit makes this a no brainer. A one time cost and a low monthly monitoring fee (you can get it for $20 or so a month on a monitoring service like Simplisafe). Just make sure you also get window monitors on your first floor to alert for glass breaks.

       I will agree that the alarms that are sound only and not registered with the police station or actively monitored are kind of a waste of money, a dog can do that.

       1. I think people who live in sleepy safe suburbs are morons if they don’t think that crime can happen to them. I live in a sleepy safe suburb, and I’ve been known to leave the garage door up when I walk the dog or whatever, but I’m not delusional that just because I Am Rich(TM), bad things won’t happen to me.

       2. “loud blaring sound will scare off a robber” This is not a thing. They expect houses to have alarms and know how long they have before the police show up, they often have a look out down the street.

          I’ve been broken into, my parents have been broken into, their neighbors have been broken into. No one has alarms or guns. No point in living in fear of the unlikely event of non-violent property crime.

          1. If everyone you know has had a house broken into, including yourself, its not an “unlikely event”. And yes, the alarm does scare off a robber because they now know they have two minutes to swipe anything easily accessible they see, your neighbors will start looking out at your home (witnesses for I.D.) after about a minute or so (since most people turn it off within seconds), and anyone who may be home now knows of their presence. It minimizes damage and alerts. Maybe they grab an ipod and lap top and run. But they for sure won’t lurk through your house quietly looking for the most valuable item or have time to unhook your 60 inch tv

   15. I have a blatant minivan parked in front of my house.

       That sure as hell says to any legit criminal:
       1. There is nothing of value here; don’t waste your time
       2. But if you do come in while I am here with my children, I will personally kill you with my bare hands if not my death stare
       3. And, really, do not bother with the kidnapping; you will be returning one of them in 10 minutes guaranteed and the other is very good at sneaking away

       1. Hah! Related to this- we live in an area with a lot of car thefts, and I think of the two car seats in my car as my security device. Absolutely nothing of worth in this car because with two small children, we really can’t have nice things.

          1. I just heard from my (9 year old) son that his best friend’s car was broken into and the thieves took everything, including his panda that he’s had since he was a baby. How awful is that?

   16. The previous owner had an alarm installed in my house, but I don’t pay the fee to have it connected to a service that calls the police when it goes off and I have never set it in the three years I’ve owned my house. I do like that it chimes when a door or window is open, but I wouldn’t bother to pay for that if it wasn’t already in the house when I bought it.

       Plus when we go out of town we have a pet sitter come three times a day to take care of our pets, so I don’t worry about something happening while I’m out of town. Maybe I’d feel differently if no one was coming by for 2 weeks or when I was on vacation or something.

       1. For context on wear I live, I live close to the downtown area, and there’s a fair amount of petty theft in my neighborhood. I have personally had bikes stolen from my backyard. The thieves on that occasion made no attempt to break into my house. The theft was annoying but it made no difference in my behavior.

       2. We rarely bother to arm our system (retirees in a suburb). But we do us it when we travel. The petsitter gets a temporary code. It’s great being able to check our phones to see when she arrives and how long she stays . Also alerts us if there was a power outage, so we can make sure irrigation system gets reset, etc.

   17. With the average income of this site’s users obviously being fairly high (based on numerous past posts where people list their estimated income), I’m very surprised that so many cheap out on something like safety, especially when it’s so cheap. It’s hilarious to me that people will buy a multi-hundred dollar leather bag, but not spend thirty bucks a month to protect their babies on the small chance a robbery occurs while you’re sleeping and you’re too panicked and groggy to dial the police in time.

       I get that an alarm can’t physically stop an intruder. The whole point is to make your property look hard and not worth the effort to a burglar. My family has an alarm system with monitoring (and separate motion sensor set to low sensitivity) that is $30 a month (Simplisafe or Safewise, can’t remember), stickers on the garage, front windows, and garden about the monitoring, and cameras at the entrances. It screams “I’m too much effort”, and that’s the point. If a strung out drug user is too dumb to heed these warnings and tries anyway, the monitoring service does its job. We have had our home messed with, and the monitoring service called us, asked if we were home, we said no, and called the police on our behalf (so no waste of resources or false alarms). Once it went off on accident when we weren’t home (dog got out), and they remotely re-armed.

       1. I just assess risk differently. A security alarm doesn’t protect my babies.

       2. It’s because we don’t believe that we’d actually be paying to “protect our babies.” I don’t believe they’re effective, I don’t believe I need one, so I don’t spend my money on it. I think home security systems are mostly marketing. I live in a condo in a gentrifying neighborhood in a large city, my HHI is >$500K/year, but I use common sense — I lock my building and unit doors, I know my neighbors and let them know when I’ll be traveling, etc.

   18. Happy to hear all of you love not having a security system. That just means they’ll hit your house and not mine – which in fact just happened a year ago. My neighbor’s house was burgled in the middle of the day and the they lost every one of their electronics – TV, computers, etc – plus had to pay to have their back door replaced from being kicked in. Then they experienced identity theft, probably from the thieves taking mail from their home, per the police.

       Did the blinking red light visible through the back door window deter them from choosing my house? I will never know. But I’m keeping my alarm.

       And the “time invested in setting it” mentioned above is a joke. It takes a second.

       I live in a wealthy neighborhood in a midsize city.

       1. In my area, the blinking red light they can see through the window is more likely to invite them in than deter them, since it more likely than not belongs to something they can swipe, like the charger for a pricey DeWalt power tool set. And houses with the little stickers and yard signs get hit more often than those without because they signal that the occupants believe they have something of value inside.

          1. Keep telling yourself that, or at least cite your sources

             I’ve had the alarm for 15 years and the houses on either side of me have been hit. Not mine. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

             1. And, as another example, the only two houses on my block that have been broken in to had the stickers for a security company. I may feel differently about it if I had money and lived in a wealthy suburb, but frankly most people would (rightly) assume that there is not much worth stealing from my house

             2. Sources: law enforcement in the family who see it happen All. The. Time. Also, real life neighbors with the blinking lights / signs / stickers who have been broken into while real-life neighbors without those advertisements haven’t. When arrested, perpetrators told law enforcement they picked those particular houses because they knew there would be good stuff inside. The houses without were a gamble they didn’t want to bother with.

                So I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ right back atchya. TGIF.

             3. Anecdotes do not equal data. Source: dad is a sheriff, totally in favor of burglar alarms for his grown kids.

             4. So this is a case where your anecdote and your daddy’s opinion constitutes “data” while mine don’t?

                Glad us mere mortals have the benefit of your all-encompassing wisdom to rely on, instead of resorting to the facts of life and law enforcement’s news briefings and recommendations in our own little corner of the world.

                For anyone reading who is interested in actual conversation and not a “my-daddy-is-stronger-than-yours” tantrum, when my anecdote was noticed as a recurring event in our area, it was recommended not that people avoid security systems, but that if they choose to use them that they stop advertising that they have them. And that they DEFINITELY not get a sign/sticker for one without really having one.

             5. Notanon you need to calm tf down

             6. So do you, Anon.

   19. My dad told me the same thing when DH and I bought our house, also on a quiet cul-de-sac. The house is wired so we could turn it on if we want, but I feel no need to pay for a service.

   20. Obviously a lot of strong views here. I had a security system installed a few years ago when I lived alone. The cost of wiring in an older home was more like $500 or more (because of older wiring in the home). The monthly service cost is $40 now. Now that I live with someone else, I don’t use it as much (mainly when he’s traveling) but it gives me peace of mind. Even in a low-crime Midwestern neighborhood, there are occasional break-ins at night and my neighbors (and their old dog) didn’t hear burglars rifling through their downstairs area and stealing their car one night.

   21. It’s worth it for me. My husband travels for work most of the time so I”m at home alone with my kid a lot of the time. I have simplisafe, which was a few hundred bucks up front and $15 a month. It comes with a panic button that you can press that will call the police right away rather than waiting for them to call you to confirm it’s an actual emergency. It also comes with a key-chain clicker thingy so all I have to do to set it or disarm it is press a button. Also, I don’t care if they break in and it takes 15 minutes for the police to get there. It’s better than me walking into a potential crime scene with the burglar still in the house. My neighborhood is “safe”, whatever that means, but there is a ton of petty theft from unlocked cars and occasional break ins.

       1. If I could get that kind of system in my area I would. Interestingly, the keychain panic button is outlawed in my city.

   22. Like some other posters, I’m surprised the majority of responses say a home security system is not worth it. Since everyone is providing anecdata, I’ll say that I used to live in a townhome near downtown Houston that had identical townhomes on either side. We used a security system and were careful about keeping it activated all of the time. We had large fake surveillance cameras on the exterior of our home. We were also careful to keep our house and car doors locked at all times, and our garage closed. In the six years we lived there, we never experienced any property theft or other crime on our property, but our neighbors, who did not have a security system, experienced significant property theft on multiple occasions. On one occasion, the burglars got into the house, drove their van into the garage and closed the door, and cleaned out the entire house. They spent most of the day there, and everything of significant value was taken. A home security system would have absolutely prevented that from happening.

       Also, in the 7 or so years I have lived with a home security system, police have never been dispatched for a false alarm. When the alarm goes off, you have one minute to deactivate it. If you don’t deactivate it within that time, the alarm company calls you and asks for your password. If you provide your password, they don’t notify the police.

       Police response times likely vary a lot depending on your location, so just because police are slow to respond in the locations of some posters does not necessarily mean that is applicable to OP.

       Also, like another poster mentioned, our security system also monitors fire and flood. It did notify us once that there was a water leak in our attic, which likely saved us a ton of money. And if there is a fire, the fire department will be dispatched that much more quickly.

       For a risk averse person that lives in or near a large city, a home security system is definitely worth it.

   23. The reason to get a home security system isn’t because it will definitely get the police there on time and prevent your stuff from getting stolen. It’s because burglars are less likely to target your house if a security system is in place. We don’t have one right now, but are considering getting one because we have priceless family heirlooms and paying a nominal amount to buy more deterrence sounds worth it to me.

   24. My parent is a police officer in a safe, suburban town and we have ALWAYS had a monitored alarm system as a result (despite being a safe town, people underestimate the # of break-ins). We have been pleased with Frontpoint. It also has fire and flood monitoring. And it’s less maintenance/cost than a dog

   25. Personally, I’m more comfortable having one. I live in a major city, break ins happen here, I’m friends with a few local police officers who say that it’s a deterrent (a dog is too, but that’s harder for me to incorporate into my life). I found a local, reasonable company so it’s only a few hundred bucks a year. I find it’s worth it. I especially liked it when I lived alone, and I still set it when I’m home alone.

   26. This thread makes me so happy I have the option to live in a big condo building. (Not saying that theft is not a risk, but much less so several floors up with people guarding the entrances.)

   27. It’s funny reading the responses from people who live in “safe” (read:white) suburbs and aren’t worried about crime. You are delusional. The opioid epidemic has led to heroin addicts in great numbers in every safe suburb in the land. Read Dreamland. It’s not just the big cities. In fact, the current Mexican black tar heroin distribution systems specifically target smaller towns and avoid big cities.

       Most burglaries are crimes of opportunity, looking for things that can be quickly converted to cash, whether for drugs or not (but likely for drugs.)

       It’s ridiculous to ignore the risk, whether you have an alarm system or not. You can choose not to have one, but don’t lie to yourself and everyone else and say it’s because you have no risk.

   28. I’m sure this is going to get suck in mod, so I’ll attach it as a separate post, but your local police department probably has a similar list of things to do to deter burglars. Trimming shrubs and bushes is one of the most important things, in my opinion.

       I don’t have an alarm system. I have deadbolts on all of my outside doors and alarms (you can buy anywhere for doors and windows) on the ones I don’t use regularly (my parents put them on all outside doors and set them on alert, not alarm). I also have motion sensor lights by the side garage door (my neighbor has one on the other side of the house that covers my property as well) and I have my front lights on a dusk to dawn timer. Finally I have a lab who defies stereotypes and would absolutely attack and seriously injure an intruder. She’s the biggest deterrent because she barks/growls/snarls at any stranger who comes to the house. She’ll start hurling herself at the back door if someone is out there. As a last resort I have pepper spray.

       1. From my local police department:

          Install quality locks on doors and windows and use them. Lock and close your doors and windows even when you’re home. Do not rely on thumb-turn locks on windows, as they can be unlocked through a broken window. A good quality deadbolt should be installed on every exterior entry door no matter how friendly your neighborhood is, make it a habit to check for locaked doors each time you leave the house and go to bed.
          Trim shrubs around doors and windows so burglars don’t have a sheltered place to work. High or overgrown landscaping like bushes, shrubs and trees can offer an intruder a place to hide and conceal a break-in. Trim vegetation so your home’s windows, porches and doors are visible to neighbors and passersby.
          Install peepholes on exterior doors and any interior door between the garage and house.
          Consider Timers hooked up to indoor lights, as well as radios or televisions to give your home that lived-in appearance.
          Close shades, drapes and other window treatments while you’re away to keep potentially tempting household items out of view. Burglary is often a crime of opportunity and “window-shopping” is one way criminals choose potential targets.
          Do not leave your garage door open or unlocked if you are not in the immediate area.
          Pay attention to suspicious activity or anything that appears out of place. Immediately report any and all suspicious activity by calling your local 24-hour non-emergency number or 911 in the event of an emergency.
          If you have an alarm, set it!
          Lighting is one of the best deterrents to nightime burglary—indoor and outdoor lighting are important. Install lights by all exterior doors and make bulbs hard to reach. Dark or poorly homes and property make it easier for a burglar to go about unseen. Motion senor lights are often a good choice for side or backyards.
          Beware of solicitors. Door-to-door salespeople have a business license or permit issued by the City, so always ask to see it for verification.
          Don’t let strangers into your home—this includes workers and others—if you are not with them. Never give keys to people making improvements to your home.
          Have family, friends, or neighbors check on your home if you are going to be out of town. Do not hide spare house keys outside your home but leave them with a trusted neighbor instead. Click here for more vacation home safety tips.
          Photograph your valuables and engrave your property with a form of identification, such as your driver’s license number.
          Have locks changed or re-keyed when moving into a new home or apartment.
          Install track-type locks, drop bars, wooden dowels, or pinning devices on sliding glass doors.
          “Harden” your doors. All entry doors should be solid wood or steel-wrapped wood-core doors.
          Join or establish a Neighborhood Watch! Getting to Know Your Neighbors can be beneficial for your home’s security.

   29. Where you live, I might not get one. Where I live, in a major city in a mixed income neighborhood where doors are often kicked in, it was installed the day after I moved in. Cameras on three sides, glass break detector, contacts on every window and door, plus fire, carbon monoxide, and flood monitors, and a thermostat. Most of the equipment was free. It is all controlled through an app and monitored for ~$50/month. I spent ~$400 on extra cameras and contacts. I also had my doorframes fortified with steel inserts before moving in. I don’t have anything much worth taking, or that I’d even really feel the loss of, other than my laptop and backup drives. But I do have two dogs, and if someone breaks into my house, I want to know immediately because they might just leave the front door open and my dogs might leave. Or they might do harm to the dogs to stop them from barking. I agree that dogs can be a good deterrent, and I think mine have been, but I’ve also been the victim of a break-in where there were three dogs present (all, thankfully, physically unharmed) and the same crew broke in many other homes with dogs with mixed results (one harmed, one missing, one had been held at bay with a large tree branch but unharmed). I also know the sense of uneasiness that results from a break-in, that there is often a follow-up break-in, and how much of a hassle it is afterwards to rekey everything (smart burglars steal keys). I just would rather be on the offense here. I’m not paranoid, I promise. I have had strangers come to my door asking to mow the lawn with no lawn equipment and after taking a few laps around the neighborhood. And I have had one young man canvas the neighborhood taking a survey on what security system upgrades I need, suggesting that I might want to upgrade to active monitoring from the police if I don’t have that, being sure to ask “Do you have that?” and asking if my cameras actually work. Each visit was followed by a knock on the door from my neighbors, who’ve lived there for decades, informing me that my home had just been cased.

3. I think I’m finally ready to give in to Rent the Runway. I have a wedding in late October in Ithaca at a church, followed by a science museum reception. What would you rent? (Size 14.)

   1. You can, just know a lot of the dresses end up on Lindas Closet on ebay for less than the rental price to buy.

      1. thanks for this tip!

   2. I would wear this. But I have a thing for capes, which might not be everyone’s cup of tea.
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/adrianna_papell/navy_carter_sheath

      1. Love this!

   3. How formal is the wedding?

      1. Not specified, but based on the website and the venues, I’d say cocktail.

   4. I don’t know your body type or if you need a wrap. But here’s something I found under mocktail in sizes 14 and 16, given that these designers run small. Have fun!

      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/kay_unger/jazz_club_sheath

   5. DON’T DO IT. I’m so fed up with them.

      The first time I used them three years ago, it was great– get met dress, love it, perfect.

      The last three times they have my sent me my dress I ordered due to some unforeseen issue– the first, I had ordered a black and gold mermaid gown that they couldn’t send so sent it in white instead– which was very unusable for a wedding! The second, they swear they sent me the right dress (I ordered a petite), but when it was dragging on the floor in 4″ heels (and it didn’t say petite) they refused to admit they send the wrong dress. This morning, I get another email that the dress I’m supposed to receive for a black tie wedding tomorrow isn’t available so they’re sending me an alternative, and that it’s delayed so to contact them if I don’t receive it tomorrow. Obviously, that’s not going to work.

      I love the idea but it’s truly just not worth the stress.

      1. I second this – my experiences have not been good. And for the cost of the rental, there’s usually a ton of stuff that works at the same price point at Nordstrom and the like and I’d personally rather have something to keep.

   6. Fellow Ithacan here. Your wedding sounds lovely!

4. In case the person travelling to Portugal is still reading
   …..I just came back from a 9 day visit and really enjoyed the variety in a small country. Warning if you are going soon….it’s super hot and super crowded. I felt more uncomfortably crowded in Lisbon than in London or Paris. In Lisbon, Tram 28 is overrated. Not worth the wait. The Aljube Musuem of Freedom and Resistance about the dictatorship is a must. I would spend maybe 2 days in Lisbon and 1 full day in Porto. They are lovely cities but similar to other European cities if you have done much traveling.

   I think Portugal’s main charms lie in the country. I loved the Duoro Valley tour (we went with EF tours). Sintra is crowded and has tons to see (including the Western most point of Europe) so can easily be two days. The line for the public buses were an hour long so we hired a tuk tuk and it was wonderful to see Cabo Roca.

   Lagos has great grottos and beaches (we did bom dias two hour tour). I recommend taking the hour bus to Sagres if you want a more chill and relaxing beach town.

   Overall I wish I had more time. You are going to have a blast!

5. I really love that green color but the shirt kind of looks like hospital scrubs?

   1. I think I have the sleeveless version of this and the fabric is def not scrubs like, but more of a chiffon. I have a white and a navy and always wear a camisole under. They wash great, dry quickly and def look more expensive than they are, especially the white.

   2. Totally agree re scrubs, but it also looks comfortable and forgiving :)

   3. I was going to post exactly that.

   4. I didn’t see scrubs until you said it, but I like tucking flowier blouses into skinnier pants. That would lessen the scrubs look, I think.

   5. This. I thought it was some kind of fancy scrubs.

   6. Came here to see if someone posted this already.

      I was… somewhere recently a school? a synagogue? and I could not tell if the woman I was speaking to was wearing medical scrub top or not. I had to consciously let go of my urge to ask her if she worked in a medical office.

      1. What a strange thing to obsess over.

   7. I don’t think it looks like scrubs, but I wish there were tops out there that were not so gosh darn boxy. Can I just get like one slimmer cut blouse??

   8. I don’t want no scrubs.

6. TL;DR: Do you have a professional backpack, large laptop tote, or messenger bag recommendation?

   I work in academia and we seem to have a bag problem. The men all carry backpacks to and from work, and the women (There are 5 of us in the department) either use a rolly backpack or carry 12 bags every day. I am looking for a bigger option than a regular purse or laptop tote that can carry lunch, books, laptop, and my own purse miscellany daily. I don’t want to carry 7 bags, and I’d rather not use a rolly backpack. What are your recs for a good, *large* professional bag?

   1. That sounds like a lot of weight to be carrying. What about a regular backpack? Tom Bihn has a backpack that can hold 2 laptops–the Brain bag. In black on black it could be very nondescript. I have the Synapse 25 to fit my 15″ macbook, lunch, purse, etc. in the black on black color and it’s held up amazingly well over the past 3 years. But I have shoulder issues so I knew a tote or shoulder bag was just a complete no-go.

   2. Lo & Sons OG or OMG

   3. The Dagne Dover tote is large. I find it heavy, though, so I have not used it much.

      1. I was going to recommend Dagne Dover as well. That might be a lot of weight to carry if your commute is on foot, but on public transport or by car you should be alright. I got one when I started grad school (while also working full time) so it could carry my laptop, school binder, lunch, and wallet/various purse things. Works perfectly and it’s very professional, I get compliments all the time.

      2. I have the Dagne Dover Allyn tote and love it. Holds a ton, has good pockets and a laptop sleeve, and sturdy. It is kind of heavy though.

   4. Tumi tote. I have an outlet-only Tumi tote that has worn like iron and fits everything, including my massive government-issued Dell laptop, a change of gym clothes, two notebooks, my lunch tupperware, my travel mug, a tiny umbrella, my beauty pouch (brush, concealer, lipgloss, ibuprofen, assorted meds, stain stick), and my unwieldy charger. If I bring the laptop home I can’t fit my gym clothes, but without it, I can either fit heels or gym clothes.

      1. Sorry, gym *shoes.* The clothes will fit, but not the shoes.

   5. Tumi

   6. If you have to carry that much and are on a college campus so I’m assuming a decent amount of walking, I would get a backpack. Tumi makes some great ones, but I think you could also go with basically anything in black.

      1. +1 just carry a backpack.

   7. My husband has a Timbuk2 backpack for work that he really likes. It looks professional and has held up to daily use +frequent travel for the last 5 years. https://www.timbuk2.com/collections/all-work-bags/products/1815-authority-laptop-backpack

   8. I’m also in academia. For my everyday tote, I use a leather LL Bean Town and Field Tote. LL Bean doesn’t seem to carry this exact bag anymore (though there appear to be some pre-owned ones for sale various places online), but the “Exchange Street Tote” on the LL Bean website right now looks similar. It’s not the fanciest bag, but is professional enough for academia and holds a lot. Just put your laptop in a sleeve inside the bag.

      For when I go to conferences/want a sleeker bag, I have a Lodis leather tote. But, it’s not big enough to hold lunch as well as laptop/books/sundries.

   9. Matt & Nat! I have a backpack that’s very stylish that I love.

7. Piggybacking on the home security question. I dropped my car off at a car wash yesterday and the person (a uniformed city employee) in line behind me told me I shouldn’t leave my full set of keys with the car. The theory goes that a worker could use clay to copy my house key, get my address from my insurance card in the glove box, and later make a duplicate key to let himself into my home. This seems a bit far-fetched to me. (If it is a reasonable fear, I would think it should extend to valet parking as well.) I live in an apartment in a medium-sized city with plenty of “standard” crime so that doesn’t really push things one way or the other. My building is annoying to get into and a maze once you’re in but hardly secure–I can break in with a finger when I forget my key fob. Thoughts?

   1. I wouldn’t give people I don’t know anymore keys then they need, but then my car key is pretty easy to remove from my set.

      And yes, it does apply to valet parking as well, which is why I again only give my car key if someone I don’t know is taking my car out of my sight.

      Whether it’s a reasonable/plausible scenario – I have no idea. On the other hand, I don’t have a security system in my home (I live alone), so different strokes?

   2. I have my car key attached in such a way that it’s easy to hand it over individually for situations like this when it’s better to just hand over a car key vs. a full set. I have car key/fob on a separate key ring from house keys so I can unloop the car key ring easily vs. the individual key.

   3. I’m very lax about security (above poster that doesn’t lock doors) but I agree with this. I only leave a single key. Same and especially more so with valets. It’s not like these people are lifers- they could work a few days, make tons of copies and quit and go on a crime spree.

      Plus, it’s easy and free. I just take the single key off or use the valet key.

   4. While unlikely, it certainly is possible and not unheard of. I never give the valet or anyone else more than just the necessary key.

   5. Uh yeah? You really give strangers full sets of keys?? Why would you do that – car wash or valet gets car keys only. Why are you so trusting??

   6. I responded above that I don’t think home security systems are necessary, but I also never hand over my house key when giving someone my car key. I have one of those easy detach things, so it is very easy to just give my car key. Yes, it is very unlikely that someone will make a copy. But it also saves the worry that the person will lose the keys or the place will close before I get my car. For example, when I worked at a law firm, I once drove to work and then unexpectedly had to stay very late. I wasn’t able to get my car out that day, but it wasn’t a big deal since I took a taxi home on the firm and still had my home key and could deal with it the next day.

   7. Yes, that’s been pretty standard advice for about the last 50 years – you only give the valet, etc. a valet key (that only turns on the car, doesn’t open trunk) or single key, not your full key ring.

   8. I used to work in the automotive industry so I will say first hand that no one cares enough to break into your house, its a white lie they tell people because its very annoying for them to lug around people’s full sets of keys (remember they have multiple sets with your dangles and key chains and god knows what else) and its incredibly damaging to your ignition to have all the extra weight hanging there. Its just polite to remove it.

      1. +1

   9. I don’t know of a car made in the last 5 yrs that wasn’t just a key fob. I just hand over that guy (clipped onto the main set for easy removal) and go about my day. Even my old car made in 2007 came with a “Valet” key that didn’t open the trunk (once locked) and that I kept separate.

      1. Yes, my 10 year old car has a valet key and I just give that one, not the whole set.

   10. I have so much stupidity on my key chain – all those loyalty cards and a couple of extra keys and some souvenir key chain and yes Tile app keychains. I keep it all attached to a carabiner keychain in my purse, and I can unhook what is needed at one time to give to 1 person. It’s more for them than for “SECURITY”. Plus I usually get in and out of my house using my garage door opener.

   11. Honestly, if someone could identify which of the multitude of keys on my key chain was my house key (because sometimes I can’t…), they deserve what they are able to get.

   12. I have a valet key that I give to anyone who needs it. I keep a mini wallet on my key chain with my drivers license, bar cards, and two access cards, and it’s hard to detach, so I don’t give my key ring to strangers.

   13. I would be more worried about identity theft from handing over my PO Box key. Which is very identifiable. And if they have my mailing address on file?
       That being said, the only place I can think of handing over keys in the last few years is the local tire place, where I have no concerns. Probably 50-50 whether I remember to separate my car key.
       My previous town, the guys who worked on my car were super sketchy, and I didn’t trust them a bit. Knew them, worked next door to them, didn’t like them. Never handed over the whole ring.

   14. I keep a separate key in my wallet more because it’s just easier. But anyone is going to take one look at my 20+ year old car and assume I have nothing worth stealing. There’s been a rash of car break ins and thefts in my area lately, and let’s just say I don’t ever worry about anyone taking mine.

   15. This is not something I ever thought about before this thread, if it makes you feel any better.

   16. I don’t keep any paperwork in the car that shows my name, address, etc. Of course, if they have the car long enough they can look up info based on license plates. Just trying to make it difficult. Yes, I have my car key on a valet fob that quickly comes off the wad of keys. I did it because I used to work in the car industry, and it really is a big deal to replace the ignition on a steering column when it’s ruined by the weight of keys. Secondarily for valets, leaving car at mechanics, car washes, and state inspections. Just as an add on, don’t leave your garage door opener in the car if it’s in the driveway… then again, even if the car is locked in the garage, the opener is not in it. In our flooded area, people have bashed in a car window, opened up the garage door, closed it behind them, and put all the stuff from the house in the car, opened up the garage, left in the car and even politely closed the garage door. Creative, I know.

8. I have this blouse and like the neckline, but it adds 10 lbs to my hourglass frame.

   1. +1 I have a cotton version of this as I can’t do synthetics and I wore it 3 times and every single time felt like a shapeless blob.

   2. I am busty and have the same problem with a lot of uniqlo tops – they are just too boxy.

      1. I spent years living in Asia trying to squeeze my bust into locally-bought clothes, there’s no way in h3ll I’m bothering with Uniqlo’s sizing. I’d need an XXL in this top and I’m not plus-sized.

9. Can I piggy back on the things that annoy me but don’t really affect my life?

   – when someone’s phone rings in public: my phone’s been on vibrate for a decade and your custom ringtone is awful.

   – when someone gets behind you in line and starts audibly sighing. Buddy you just got here.

   – when someone cuts me off in their car as I’m walking through a crosswalk and then waves. I didn’t give you the right of way, I just didn’t want to die.

   – new one: when you’re the first car at a light that turns green and first car from the other side turns left in front of you. This happens every day now. Is this how they’re doing teaching driving now? I thought the person going straight had the right of way.

   1. omg yes to the last one! this has happened to me so many times in the last couple years. i’m in a college town so i assume it’s young drivers. the person turning left is supposed to yield!!!!

      1. They know that, they are trying to beat you off the line so they don’t have to wait to turn.

   2. Re the last one- it’s the Pittsburgh left. At least when I lived there 2 decades ago, it was local custom for people to pull this stunt, so you learned to not floor it coming off a red light.
      Mine is water around the sink. Why must washing your hands include splashing water all over the faucet/counter? And if it does, why can’t you wipe it up? I hate getting my shirt wet because you flooded the counter in the office bathroom.

      1. OMG my husband cannot do anything at the sink without covering it in water; 80% of the time he just LEAVES IT.

         Grounds for divorce?

         If I were rich, I’d have his/her baths and refuse to go in his.

         1. I make my husband use the guest bathroom for this reason, ha.

         2. Yes! My husband evidently washes his face like he is in a Neutrogena commercial. So much splashing.

            1. This image made me laugh.

            2. This is me! I get water everywhere and leave it to dry. But I live alone.

            3. I had a roommate who splashed so much I slipped and almost fell on the puddle she would leave in front of the sink. I could not understand how she would possibly fling around that much water but this explains it.

      2. Still called a Pittsburgh left and still very common in Pittsburgh and southwest PA.

         1. And in Central PA!

            1. Where people still can’t merge correctly either :)

   3. I was hoping someone would resurrect yesterday’s thread since I missed it! Also feeling grumpy…

      – When people fetishize being a coffee addict and use it to justify being a jerk. “Sorry about the road rage, haven’t had my coffee yet!” “No, I refuse to meet you on time because I need my coffee first.” “Sorry I was so rude to you earlier, don’t mess with me before I have my coffee!” Super annoying.
      – People who leave dog poop in plastic bags on the side of the trail to “get it later,” ensuring that all other visitors can enjoy viewing steaming bags of sh*t instead of unspoiled nature.
      – When people let their kids watch loud, obnoxious cartoons on the plane without headphones and act like you’re the child-hating jerk for being annoyed.

      1. If you are on a street where there are two lanes of traffic each way and you wish to turn left, and the people who are oncoming to you stop to let you turn left across them. So I’m supposed to turn in front of you, thus leaving me completely incapable of seeing the far lane person and whether they are stopping as well. Stop it. Just keep going, and leave me to turn when the traffic naturally breaks. You are NOT doing me a favors by letting me go through.

         1. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the exact story of how my car got totaled.

         2. Oh, yes! Not taking your own right-of-way is almost as dangerous as taking somebody else’s right-of-way. Let’s all just obey the rules, please.

         3. Preach. I hit someone who turned after seeing the “wave of death.”

      2. Re leaving dog poop on a trail… My neighbor legit leaves a week’s worth of plastic bags of dog poop on their small back patio directly adjacent to my small back patio (they have two large dogs). Now if I ever want to sit out back I have to sit ~6 feet from a giant mound of plastic wrapped dog feces. (Yea, I should probably say something but it’s a really small building and I don’t want it to be awkward forever.)

         1. Honestly, just say something, you shouldn’t have to smell poop just to use your backyard. Maybe gift them a pail with top when you speak to them. We keep our collected poop in a metal container with top from Home Depot that was $10. It’s easier for them to take out the poop, the lid seals the smell off and prevents rain and pests from getting into the poop (lid goes over the sides, not sit inside the pail).

            1. +1. I am “one of those” dog people (as you may notice) but your neighbor’s behavior is beyond rude.

      3. +1 to #3. I remember a flight to Orlando where multiple children throughout the plane were watching Frozen without headphones. But they had all started at different times, so I could hear 3 different parts of Frozen throughout the flight. Fortunately, it was a short flight.

      4. “I’ll let you get back to work”. “You seem upset”. “What’s wrong with you?” “You don’t look excited by that”

   4. – People who are freaked out about the environment and global warming but then buy buy buy all the fast fashion, all the Starbucks drinks in one use containers, all the one use drinks in containers, all the take out containers, use all the cleaning wipes. I should get off instagram stories.

      – That the USA is going to spend $72.13 billion on their pets this year but we have 2.5 million homeless children in the USA. No, your pet doesn’t need a halloween costume, but a kid might need some real clothes.

      -That women have a 1 in 8 risk of getting breast cancer. Study after study shows that one alcoholic drink a day increases that risk significantly but the woman/wine culture is so strong. I like wine. I like drinks. I drink occasionally (2 x a month?) but I don’t get why more women don’t realize the real risk between alcohol and cancer.

      I could keep going but will stop. Yes, I am real fun at parties.

      1. Yeah the wine culture thing annoys me too. I love champagne and a nice glass of red wine, but I drink it rarely, because I am aware of the risk. Although, fwiw, the studies indicate the risk is significantly higher before you’ve had your first baby, so mommy wine culture is probably not as harmful as all the binge drinking most of us did in college/grad school.

      2. I think people do understand the risk between alcohol and serious health problems, but if we cut out EVERYTHING that might cause cancer, life would be pretty boring in my opinion. We all are going to die of something!

         1. This. Wine is my reward for daily exercise because that cuts my risk of so many things.

         2. Eh, the link between alcohol and cancer is much clearer than the link between other vices like sugar and red meat. Most health conscious people avoid tobacco and wear sunscreen when they’re going to be out in the sun for hours, and I think those are better analogies to alcohol.

         3. I don’t think people realize the seriousness of the risk. I also don’t think the risk is totally clear.

            There is a ton of money in the alcohol business. There has been a ton of money spent on “a glass of red wine a day keeps the doctor away” studies. No one is funding studies that says alcohol is bad, but there are tons of alcohol companies funding alcohol is good studies.

            Another thing is that alcohol seems to increase cancer in women (especially breast cancer) much more than it affects men. No one wants to currently be telling women that they can’t do something that men can do.

            Drinking in women is on the rise. The connections between breast cancer are really clear. This isn’t just like “my cell phone could give me cancer, my microwave could give me cancer, eating a burnt smore could give me cancer.” Sally Davies, the chief medical officer for England, told the BBC, “If you take 1,000 women, 110 will get breast cancer without drinking. Drink up to these guidelines (the safe drinking guidelines in the UK) and an extra 20 women will get cancer because of that drinking. Double the guideline limit and an extra 50 women per 1,000 will get cancer…That’s not scaremongering. That’s fact.

            1. To each their own!

            2. Agreed. I recently started feeling kind of.. deceived by the alcholol lobbies? Because until this year I literally didn’t know that alcohol is such a clear carcinogen and now look back on all my early twenties drinking in horror. I truly thought that so long as you weren’t an alcoholic/being unsafe/making yourself ill that drinking wasn’t really bad for you. I never smoked, etc and feel like I look at alcohol the same way as I do tanning (I love it but know it’s bad and do it less than I’d like as a result) and wish I’d known sooner.

      3. “but I don’t get why more women don’t realize the real risk between alcohol and cancer.”

         We do. We assess the risk and drink anyway. You’ve come to a different conclusion about your level of comfort with that risk, and that’s fine for you. It doesn’t mean the rest of us are dumb. See also: I wear enormous hats and long sleeves on the rare occasion that I go to the beach because the skin cancer risk isn’t worth it to me. Others choose to weigh the risks differently and it doesn’t mean they’re dumb.

         1. This is the better way of explaining my thinking. I’m the same way with the sun!

      4. People who don’t understand risk. That 1 in 8 figure is based on the assumption that all women live to be at least 80 years old. If you really want to worry, your risk of dying from heart disease is 1 in 2.

         Cancer epidemiology studies that look at risk from food are very, very difficult to do and there’s a lot of disagreement about how much drinking increases risk. If you have no affected relatives, your risk of breast cancer in your 40s is about 1.5%; even if drinking doubled that, you’re at 3%. I’m not sure if drinking when young has an affect on your risk when old, though, I don’t know if that’s been studied.

         I mean, don’t fool yourself that drinking is healthy, but I feel like if you are in the one drink a night or less category, averaged over a week or so, eh.

         1. “I feel” has no place in interpreting studies. Drinking increases the risk of breast cancer, the quality of the evidence is high, and the evidence is very strong.

      5. +1

         Would love to sit with you at the next party.

      6. I understand the risk. Why do you assume because I assess if differently I don’t?

      7. One of mine is people who think I’m so terrible and unhealthy because I drink diet soda, but who have at least 1 glass (which is really more like two serving sizes) of wine a day

         1. Yeeeeeep! I have so many friends that have (at least) one glass of wine daily, but are super judgy about soda, juice, desserts, not getting enough exercise, etc. Wine culture is something else.

      8. I hate to be that person – but we have had the “drinking alcohol regularly is/is not an unacceptable health risk” argument SO MANY TIMES.

         Some people know the risks and chose to not drink or drink very little in response. Some people know the risks and chose to continue drinking because TO THEM the benefits outweigh the risks. It would be helpful if the people in both categories would stop assuming that people in the other are stupid/paranoid/unable to understand statistics. We all make risk assessments every day and live with the consequences and this continued back and forth debate is not doing anyone any good or changing anyone’s mind.

         1. I don’t feel like my doctors have ever told me the risks of drinking a normal amount. I of course got speeches in college about binge drinking and that affect and you hear about the problems of alcoholism. However, no one has ever told me about what happens if I have a glass of wine with dinner every night compared to if I drink only on the weekend when eating out compared to a few times a month. No one told me that my drinking increases my cancer risk more in the ages between my first period to having my first child. I am impressed your doctors went over this with you, but mine sure didn’t.

            1. +1 My doctors have never brought this up. They have always asked about my drinking habits and made a note, but they never commented. When I went away to college, I asked my endocrinologist about whether social drinking would be an issue for any of my conditions and meds, and he laughed at me and said that a glass of red wine at dinner is medicinal. That’s pretty much the guidance I received.

            2. +1. My doctors have never brought this up either. They ask me about my drinking habits, and I tell them (10-15 drinks per week), and they have never commented. I have read about the risks from other sources. Incidentally, I have cut back recently to somewhere closer to 5-7 drinks per week, but I’m more worried about being overweight and about my liver, which seem like much bigger risks for that level of consumption.

            3. I agree with Puddlejumper. Everyone knows smoking is bad, tanning is bad, processed meats are bad and that binge drinking to the point that you get sick is bad. But I feel like a LOT of people think drinking in moderation is not only safe, but actually healthy. The alcohol industry has an insane amount of money and has thrown a ton of it at “red wine is good for your heart!” messaging. The truth is that the protective effects of alcohol are unproven or very minimal, and the damaging effects are significant and well-proven. I don’t believe most educated adults in the United States know this. At the very least, they certainly don’t receive this message nearly as often as “smoking is bad” or “exercise is good.”

            4. I recently learned that red wine typically has dozens of unlisted ingredients, and the wine industry lobbies hard to avoid ever being required to list ingredients. This really bothered me in light of the “heart healthy” claims: if you want to say your product is healthy, don’t try to hide from us what we’re actually ingesting when we consume it.

   5. Regarding the last one, did you recently move to Pittsburgh? This is called a Pittsburgh left. It’s illegal for the driver turning left to fail to yield to the driver going straight, and cutting across the intersection can put pedestrians crossing the perpendicular road in danger depending on the signal pattern. But giving the driver turning left the opportunity to go first (usually indicated by a wave or flashing your lights) can reduce congestion by preventing the left turning lane from backing up, especially if the lane structure means that someone waiting to turn left is blocking someone who wants to go straight or turn right.

      1. Never lived in Pittsburgh, but I always thought it was common decency to let the driver make the left in this scenario. Of course, where I live in DC, drivers behind me will inevitable try to pass me on either the right or left if I let the other driver make a left instead of me stepping on the gas right away.

         1. I have never heard this before, and, unless it is one lane each direction, it seems like it would cause accidents. Learned something new today, not that I think I will start doing it

         2. Good grief. If you tried this in California you would be T-boned in a red-hot second.

            1. Thank you! As a native to LA, when I moved to Boston, I was like, WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT?!? This would not stand in LA. It’s incredibly common (and dangerous) in Boston!

            2. When I was a teenager I actually got hit turning left in front of somebody. Totally my own fault!

         3. Yeah – no. It’s not a thing here (MN). I mean, I think some people still do it (sneak in the left before oncoming traffic), but it’s not a normal thing. If the left hand turn lane is that bad, it’s need to have an arrow light that lets the turn happen before the oncoming traffic gets a green.

         4. We call it a “Boston left,” and I don’t know if it’s common courtesy or just common sense to take an extra split second to see if the car turning left is gonna bang a left out the gate or pull into the intersection and wait their turn. If you pay attention, it’s usually pretty apparent which one they’re gonna do once the light turns, and I’m generally okay with it as long as it’s just the one person, and they step on the gas the second the light turns green. You hesitate, you lose.

         5. Not in Pittsburgh and can’t believe it’s I thing. I already assume I have the right of way (because I do) leave the light at a reasonable speed and end up jamming on my breaks and nearly getting rear ended because who does that? If traffic dictated a left turn was difficult there’d be an arrow. If not, hold your horses and yield.

   6. – When the cleaning staff at my office moves things around on my desk while wiping it down. Usually the items are only a few inches away from where I left them but argh. Makes me grumpy every time.

   7. “when someone gets behind you in line and starts audibly sighing. Buddy you just got here.”

      Oh yeah, gotta love people who act all annoyed and put out having to wait in line. Sorry we’re all in “your way,” must be so hard to not get everything you want right away. The Huffy McHuffersons are usually the same people who stand just a few inches behind me, and keep moving from one side to the other like there’s some way they’ll be able to get around me. If there is some dire reason why you need to be next, you can ask, otherwise step back and chill out.

   8. – people in my neighborhood who vehemently oppose any chain retail or dining establishments moving in (I agree) but then don’t patronize the local businesses because they’re “too expensive”

   9. Bikers in Central Park who just wizz thorough despite the walk sign clearly indicating that pedestrians can cross. One of is bound to run over a dog or small child or elderly person soon enough. Not to mention how rude and entitled it is! This is public park for all types of folks to enjoy, not the Tour de France!

      1. I’ve nearly been hit by cyclists way too many times to count! I try to be a good cyclist ally, I stand up for their safety whenever I can, so it’s extra sucky that despite my efforts to be on their side, I still end up being nearly mowed over by some jerk in too much of a hurry to stop for me when I’m in the crosswalk. I know you saw me! You had plenty of time! You have a bike lane, we’re not on a hill, it’s safe to lose some momentum for a hot second!

   10. People who use the remote car lock that honks the horn. So annoying, especially in parking garages. Thanks for bursting my eardrums first thing in the morning.

       1. My SO hates this and I will forever do it. I’d rather have the security of knowing my car is properly locked – it won’t honk if the door or trunk is ajar.

       2. Mine honks on the first lock. No way around it that I know of!

       3. I used to think people were doing it on purpose to, I dunno, seem powerful or something, because all the remote locks I’ve had honk the second time you hit the lock button. Turns out, some of the newer ones honk the first time you hit it, so the noise is inevitable.

          1. I kind of thought this too, so thanks for mentioning it. My car just blinks the light (no sound) if I only hit lock once.

          2. FYI – My 2016 Subaru honked when I locked it using the key fob. I couldn’t figure out how to turn off the honk so I asked the dealership when I brought it in for service. They turned it off. It makes me ridiculously happy to just hear a slight click.

   11. The last one is a Pittsburgh left. I grew up with it, but was very surprised to learn that was not normal custom in other locations.

   12. My biggest pet peeve along these lines: people who stop on stairs. THESE ARE STAIRS. GO UP OR DOWN. Slightly less peevish is people who just stop abruptly in the sidewalk (no one could possibly be behind you??).

       1. I’m sorry! I have ataxia that acts up on staircases, and sometimes I have to recalibrate (not sure how to describe it) my up and down. It’s a symptom of some not particularly rare conditions, so keep it in mind if it helps you be annoyed less (though I realize it’s still inconveniences others).

10. – When you are in line and a cashier opens a new lane, says they will help the next in line, and the dead last person sprints over. No, no, no!

    – People who leave clothes in dressing rooms after trying them on.

    – People who take up the whole grocery aisle. These are undoubtedly the same people who walk right down the middle of the lane in the parking lot, oblivious to the cars trying to drive.

    -People who join a MLM and instantly become both obsessed and an “expert”. Here, spray this Thieves cleaner all over your house, chemicals are baaadd! Ugh.

    1. OMG your #1. So rude!

    2. So, when I was a teenager, I was trying to drive a stick shift in a parking lot without stalling and there were two people slowly and obliviously walking down the middle of the parking lot aisle, and I had been creeping along behind them for forever, when I lost my temper and shouted “OH MY GOD, MOVE OVER!!!” and I didn’t realize I shouted it so loudly that they and everyone else nearby could hear me. Another guy in the parking lot started laughing in solidarity with my plight. And to their credit, they moved over.

       1. Oh, this drives me crazy! Yes, pedestrians have the right of way and people should drive slowly in parking lots and garages, but it’s like they drive in, park, and then instantly forget that other people need to be driving around as well. It’s the obliviousness I can’t stand, just move over!

    3. GAH! So. Much. Fury and rage over people who are magical experts in things because they joined an MLM about 15 seconds ago.

       Not to mention the social media posts that you think are just a ‘my kid and I had a great day!’ posts, which are totally my jam which are actually ‘and you can TOO if you MLM so buy it!’ posts.

       1. Right! What pisses me off is when they are hostile to both working moms and SAHMs in their recruitment messaging– “don’t want to be a monster who packs their kid off for someone else to raise? but don’t want to be a total parasite on your husband by being a SAHM? Join my MLM!” ….uh…. you’re alienating your entire potential customer base.

          1. Haha. Great point. I also resent “my amazing career “ in mlm schemes. Ugh lady you bought some ugly leggings online ten minutes ago, and you’re trying to shill them to your high school acquaintances. Not exactly a career.

             1. #momboss

                No, Jessica. No. You literally sell candles/lotion/jewelry/leggings/oils to the same 15 people you buy candles/lotion/jewelry/vitamin patches from. Super glad about your self esteem being good – live your best life girl – but it’s very unlikely that you are actually #momboss.

                #blessed #grumpy #getoffmylawn

             2. Oh Jessica. You and Tiffany need to stop it.

11. I was very disappointed in my Uniqlo order recently. In the past they have been great but I think the sizing is really off and they are outsourcing clothes they sell as their own. Last order my Medium, which normally fits great, fit like an XL, and two of the shirts I ordered were labeled from Target (!!) and some other unknown brand. After that, I was done with Uniqlo.

    1. I think you have to understand the “vision” of the outfit. Right now the trend is boxy and oversized shirts for Uniqlo and COS. So even if you are usually a medium, the shirt may be cut intentionally to fit large and oversized. If you don’t want this look, get a smaller size.

       I am not sure I understand your ‘outsourcing’ comment and to boot, it’s surprising/dubious that you would receive clothes from Uniqlo that are labeled with any target brand. Most large/fast retailed outsource all their manufacturing to offshore factories.

       1. The boxiness I understand. But don’t tell me I’m lying on the outsourcing, I’m not dumb or blind. The damn tags (not the internal label) said Target and I pulled it out of my Uniqlo bag! It was the shirt I ordered labeled Target. I wouldn’t be surprised if Target sells the same shirt from a third party maker and a wrong tag got pulled off the shelf to come to me instead of a Uniqlo shirt. But it just pissed me off, I don’t want a Target shirt, I wanted a Uniqlo shirt.

12. I’m hard on my work shoes and need a new pair about every 6 months. I love the Ann Taylor Skyler pump, but they don’t have it right now and the reviews of the Mila suggest that their quality has changed for the negative. Does anyone have a similar 3.5 in basic black pump they would recommend in this price range? A leather sole would be a home run. TIA!

13. Me again who saw a job posting from a client that my partner circulated to the entire group. I decided not to apply for the position since it’s too risky (don’t know the people in legal or business well enough, if it doesn’t work out, I can’t come back without groveling, my current job is pretty good for a firm job, etc.) BUT in an ideal world I’d like to be seconded there one day a week or so. Is there such a thing as asking the client if they want someone to be seconded or is that just not done?

    1. It is done, but that’s a conversation for the client relationship partner to have with the client. You could ask your partner if there is something that you/your group can do internally to assist this client.

    2. Obviously I don’t know all of the details, but it sounds like you really want this job so I think you should just apply for it. Don’t let yourself chicken out!

14. Ok guys – my husband is driving me insane with his inability to buckle his e f f i n g seatbelt immediately every time we get in the car. It’s the first thing that I do when I get into a car, before I put the key in the ignition or turn the car on. There is never a situation where I’d even back out of our garage without it buckled because it’s just habit and automatic and is supposed to be the first thing you do!

    I know people aren’t improvement projects etc etc etc but what would you do to drive home how important this is to me? It makes me angry – we have kids and they learn their habits from their parents and I want them to absolutely always wear seatbelts. And it seems selfish to me, like he’s willing to risk an accident that makes me raise our kids alone or have to care for a vegetable husband because he couldn’t be bothered to spend the 10 seconds buckling his seatbelt.

    I have tried reminding him as soon as we get in the car and having a conversation outside of the car about why it is important to me, and nothing works. He’s normally respectful and considerate and I don’t understand why this is such an issue!

    Or, as a counterpoint, am I overreacting?

    1. You’re not overreacting. I would be seeing red, too. It’s 2018; there is zero excuse for not wearing a seatbelt.

       How have you approached this subject with him before? You’re reminding him when you’re together, but have you had a real talk about all your valid concerns?

    2. I agree on the importance of seatbelts (and also on no texting while driving!), but your first sentence makes me think you may be overreacting: “… immediately every time we get in the car.”
       I definitely buckle my seatbelt before the car moves and remind any passengers in my car to do so. But I think it’s fine to adjust mirrors, rearrange drinks/bags/generally settle into the seat before buckling up – especially if you’re a parents who might need to help kids or turn around to face the backseat and talk to them before the car leaves home. If your spouse is anything like my partner, reminding him as soon as you get in the car would irritate him more, whereas reminding him even 30 seconds to 1 minute later once everyone is settled in the car would be seen as a genuine reminder.
       Just my two cents.

    3. Mine sometimes does not buckle up right away. Like, what is point of putting the seat belt on 5 minutes into the car ride? If I am driving, I literally just won’t back out of the driveway. I try to make it a bit lighter, and put on my “flight attendant giving an announcement voice” and state the car will not move until all seat belts are buckled. He usually just laughs and buckles up. A bit juvenile yes, but it works, and we tend to have a relationship where we are okay with acting like that. Oddly, he always wears his seat belt if he is the driver, it is just when he is in the passenger seat he doesn’t put it.

    4. IMO, you’re not overreacting on the issue of wearing a seat belt. But I am a person who buckles their seat belt in the back seat of a taxi. You cannot control whether he wears a seat belt if you or your kids are not in the car, but I think you’re well within your right to say that if he is in the car with you or your kids that he must wear a seat belt. He needs to set an example for his kids.

       If your issue is that he does wear a seat belt, but doesn’t buckle it before turning on the car, well, I agree with you but I think this is a losing battle.

    5. This really pisses me off too. My husband had some complex about using the emergency brake in the car while parking because he would say “but you don’t need it when the car is in park.” We live in a hilly area. I reminded him 10+ times and then said “look, from now on, I want the e brake on every time, no debate, no argument, no questions. It takes less than one second, there is no downside to using it, and this discussion is now over.” It seemed to finally sink in. Could you try something similar?

    6. Wait, so he doesn’t wear it at all, or he doesn’t put it on right away?

       Have you asked him why he doesn’t do it? I mean, the facts are very clear – driving is the most dangerous thing most of us do, there are 30,000 deaths and over 2 million injuries in car crashes annually in the US, and wearing a seatbelt significantly reduces your risk of serious injury in a crash. In addition, if he is the driver, the seatbelt helps keep him in his seat/in control of the vehicle if there’s a crash – so it’s not just about teaching habits to your kids; your kids are safer if the driver is seatbelted.

       But he probably knows all that, so what’s his explanation when you discuss it?

    7. Don’t most cars have a beep that goes off if you are sitting on the seat without a seatbelt buckled and the car is in drive? Can you set that up for your car?

       1. I used to have the passenger side seatbelt beep/tone deactivated because I’d usually have a bunch of stuff in the front seat. Fast forward to a dear friend who is not a habitual seatbelt-wearer due to a career in a profession that involved frequent quick exits from cars. The annoying tone is back and has taken care of the issue when she rides with me, albeit with some grumbling.

    8. Don’t go anywhere with him if he’s not wearing one. Refuse to start the car, or get out of the car if he’s driving.

       1. This.

    9. Probably not the best strategy, but I would print out some articles with pictures and statistics about the danger of not wearing a seat belt and then force him to read them

    10. Omigoodness. My husband is just like you. He will not put a vehicle in reverse until he hears (or verbally confirms if he does not hear) the click of each passenger’s seatbelt. I decided not to die on this hill since he’s technically correct from a safety perspective but it can feel tedious.

    11. Going to defend your husband a bit because I might be him. I always put on my seat belt when I’m driving before I move the car because it’s part of my get-ready-to-drive habits. Somehow this does not translate when I’m a passenger, and I consistently forget to put it on. I know it’s important and I put it on when the car starts to ding at me, but I legitimately just forget. Might have something to do with my ADD, but who knows.

        All this to say, if your husband is not resistant to this, but is just forgetting, you might spend your energy on helping him come up with a system that reminds him– like a sticker on the rear-view mirror or something– rather than just explaining the importance.

    12. Does he refuse to put it on at all? Or he just does it after the car is in motion for a minute?

        If the second, I honestly think you’re overreacting. You can require your kids to put their seatbelts on before you start the car, no matter what he does. To be fair, I’m picturing my street, which is moderately traveled, but people aren’t going through with enough speed to kill or seriously injure you as you’re pulling out of your driveway. I know that car accidents in the abstract are common and dangerous, but, on my particular street, the risk of serious injury while pulling out of the driveway and even driving down to the stop sign at the end of the block is so tiny. Sure, it’s not the smartest thing ever, but I think he’s an adult and can make his own risk assessment if it’s a similar situation.

        It’s different to me if he’s waiting until you pull out onto a really busy road with fast traffic, or there’s a blind curve, or if he’s refusing to wear a seat belt at all. In that case, I wouldn’t move the car until he puts it on.

        1. In driver’s ed, they told us that we as drivers were liable if a passenger wasn’t properly buckled.

           1. In California that’s the law.

    13. Also look at the stats of % of car accidents that happen close to home, when you’re in familiar territory and more likely to have your brain on cruise control. Seatbelts aren’t just for the highway or higher speed zones.

    14. I took a road trip with a friend a few years ago and discovered that he–a JD PhD who is a professor at a HYP-level business school–routinely forgets to buckle his seatbelt *and* somehow *doesn’t notice* the persistent beep telling him to buckle up.

        I was totally gobsmacked. But I will confess that this behavior also tracks with other traits of my friend’s. He’s basically like a golden retriever in human form: easily distracted, high energy, always assumes good intentions but sometimes makes a muddle out of nuanced interactions because he’s so go-go-go. If your husband is similar, he may not be forgetting his seatbelt because he doesn’t understand the risk; he may just have a hard time paying attention to that kind of routine.

    15. TBH I don’t buckle up until immediately after I’m out of my driveway. I live on a hill and the steepness of the driveway triggers the belt to lock up, so I’m crammed back against the seat with no ability to lean forward and check visibility before pulling out. I brake alongside my property and buckle then.

        Could there be a legitimate reason he does this?

    16. My husband does the same thing and it also drives me insane. Makes no sense. Just buckle up when you get in the car!

    17. File this under Men who are so Toxically Masculine that They’re Stronger than a Head-On Collision

        1. Right under guys who won’t wear sunscreen because there tougher than the sun.

    18. *puts on traffic safety hat*

        With the caveat that I work in this field and am exposed to this every day – you’re not overreacting. Putting on a seat belt is the single most important decision you can make in a vehicle to save your life. Seatbelts save tens of thousands of lives a year, and that’s without accounting for those saved by preventing a potentially unrestrained passenger from hitting other passengers (in a car crash, an unrestrained passenger essentially becomes a cantipult.) there was a European behavioral commercial about this, if I can find I’ll link in another comment.

        And your kids 100% learn from him – even if you never mention it, or maybe especially if you do.

        This would have me 100% seeing red and it would not be (is not, though we don’t have kids and my SO is on board) a negotiable in my home. There are so many variables when driving – why not take every chance to improve your odds? You can’t control a drunk driving crashing in to you on the road. You can control if you are wearing your seat belt to prevent your body from going through the windshield with fatal force when they do.

    19. Commercial I referenced: https://youtu.be/epTdI-9V6Jk

    20. You aren’t overreacting. I just spent 5 weeks on a spinal injury rehab floor. With a few exceptions, it’s men in their 40s and 50s who think they are invincible. Now their wives are begging friends for favors to get ramps and grab bars (if they are lucky) installed before their husband goes home.

        Spinal cord injuries are serious. Ask him if wants to have you place a urinary catheter in him every four hours for the rest of his life (including every night at midnight and 4 am), have you manually stimulate him to go number 2 every morning after breakfast, and be at risk for death if he becomes constipated or if his clothing is just a little too tight (autonomic dysreflexia if the injury is above T6). It’s not just not being able to walk after a spinal cord injury. It’s not just his quality of life he’s risking when he doesn’t wear a seat belt.

15. I am not Catholic and admittedly am pretty anti-clerical, but I am really curious to see what will happen to the Church institution in the wake of these latest revelations of systemic abuse. I am interested in how an institution that seems entirely predicated on hierarchy and obedience would manage to reform without compromising its adherence to those tenets.

    1. I’m a Christian, but not Catholic, and I hate to say it, but I believe it’s a lost cause. One of the more recent scandals is happening in my hometown and the response from the diocese has been disappointing and fairly lackluster, IMO. Like you said, the hierarchy is so steeped in everything that I don’t know how you begin to change the culture. And I have little faith that the clergy will listen to the flock, so to speak, because of the hierarchy issue.

       1. I am Catholic, and… what the poster at 11:31 said. I don’t think the culture of the church leaves a lot of room for change. (Also, these types of allegations coming to light 20 + years after Boston doesn’t give me a lot of hope).

          1. I guess I’m wondering if there’s any chance of that culture changing, ever.

             That said, my instincts are mostly with Anon at 11:48 below. (Maybe less property destruction.) I’m a singer and did a gig at a big Catholic service this week for the Feast of the Assumption. Even without this week’s news, it makes me SO ragey to look at that gilded altar, closed behind a little golden gate and peopled entirely by men and boys. I really don’t understand how anyone in 2018 thinks a faith that so flamboyantly segregates people, and so blithely strips women of meaningful input, is worth their time.

    2. Nothing. Boston’s churches should have been firebombed. The church should be bankrupt and worshiping in fields and strip malls. Nothing will happen.

    3. I’m trying to think big picture, like… someone on the radio said “they were trying to protect the church but this is the biggest thing that’s happened to the church since the reformation.” So I guess I’m trying to think like, there won’t be an en masse flood of people leaving the church or a major, sudden reform. But this will be a thing where people will say, “yeah, after that, it got pretty much impossible to support it, and after Z years, the church became [whatever]”

       1. Nah. This IS the church. This has been the church. It’s based on power and control and secrecy. People need to realize that this isn’t an aberration it’s fundamental to the church and has been happening for centuries.

          1. But maybe we are getting less tolerant of it? Maybe? IDK.

          2. So will we get to a point in semi-polite society where we will talk about Catholics the same way we talk about fiscal conservatives on this s*te? Like, people who continue to attend services and offer their financial/other resources to the Church are complicit?

             1. I hope so. Because if you are giving money to Church, you are complicit. There are literally thousands of court cases worldwide where the Church is actively fighting to avoid paying compensation to victims.

             2. Yep, complicit, absolutely.

             3. Probably, because conservatives are treated like cr*p here.

    4. Nothing. Nothing will happen. It’s like the US presidency – every day something more outrageous happens but

       1) the people who supported him don’t want to be proven wrong
       2) the people who could do something about it have too many financial incentives to keep the staus quo

       Nothing will happen.

       But anyone on the fence about religion should stay away, or at the very least keep your children away.

    5. My husband is Catholic and our children are being raised Catholic. I am not anything, but I go to church with them because I like the music and value the time to sit still and reflect. I think what allows me to keep going is that on a certain level, Church is a very private and local thing, despite the overwhelming patriarchy. Our priest wrote an article for the bulletin last week that really touched me where he said basically that there is this sexual culture that has been prevelant, but that we, as individuals have to fight against it because God/faith/goodness and generosity is greater and more powerful than the corruption of one person (or two, or hundreds.). For those who are deeply religious, I don’t think it is easy to turn your back on something that is so fundamental to you- and I think that for many Catholics who are deeply religious, the Church is not about patriarchy and control, but rather it is about Faith and living a life worthy of the being who created you.

       1. I’m the 11:31 poster.

          Church is a private and local thing, I agree. But I’d urge you to challenge the mentality that it can’t happen in your community. Because it can, and probably has. It’s a systemic, institutional problem. Believe me, my Catholic friends are hurting right now. They didn’t believe it could happen here, perpetrated by people they respected. The ones who are faithful to God — not the church — will keep the faith. But their trust in the church is destroyed. I’m very uncomfortable with people whose faith seems to revolve around the church, not G_d.

          1. DLC, thank you for sharing your experiences.

             Anon at 12:34/11:31, I think your last point is especially valid. But the brilliance (for lack of the better word) of Catholicism is how much it has encouraged people to see these rites and sacrements *as* their connection to God, rather than a trapping of it. How would someone be Catholic without the Catholic Church?

    6. The only Catholic I’ve seen address this on Facebook (and I know a lot of soapboxy Catholics on Facebook) was a priest advising people NOT to follow the news coverage (to his credit, he did summarize what he was talking about). Some of the replies were things like “Don’t worry, I never watch the news because you don’t know who to trust, and the church is under attack!”

       I’m not holding my breath for change. Greco-Roman patriarchy involved child abuse before Catholicism was even a thing. Catholic ethics served to add secrecy and blackmail into the mix. I think it works like the kind of cult hazing where the cult involves initiates in something rightly taboo so that they all have dirt on each other and are afraid to cut ties. I’m not sure they even know how to get by without it.

       1. That’s horrifying.

          All the Catholics I know are deeply horrified and enraged. Even the pope (whom I do not know!) issued a statement.

          1. There have been lots of statements issued by various popes over the years. They don’t mean anything. They don’t extradite for trial. They don’t excommunicate. They just issue statements. Francis is no different.

             1. Fair point.

       2. I want to correct myself because apparently Facebook doesn’t put everything my friends post on my feed. By looking, I did find a call for all the bishops to resign, and a lot of the word “betrayal.” (I also found people blaming the pill, the sexual revolution, and “cultural acceptance of the homosexual agenda” for the crimes that were covered up, and pointing out scandals elsewhere, but I wonder how long these talking points from the culture wars will hold up for people my age and younger.)

       3. Hmmm wonder who else advises his followers not to believe the news….

    7. Nothing will happen. This is not new.

       Basically the exact same type of reports have come out of various Canadian provinces (mine in the 1990s), Ireland, Australia and numerous other countries. These types of significant judicial/quasi-judicial reports have been coming out almost yearly since the 1990s. Whether it’s the Philidelphia priest r@ping a 7 year old in her hospital bed after she had her tonsils out, or the Arctic priest abusing a 10 year old child and tossing them in a frozen lake only to be hidden by the church in Belgium to avoid trial, the problem is endemic to the church and it’s not going away anytime soon.

       DH’s father left the priesthood in the 1970s because he couldn’t stand it. Priests preaching against abortion and then using diocesean funds to pay for their girlfriends to get an abortion in the UK. All of his dad’s former friends who are still in the priesthood either have girlfriends or they are gay. The hypocrisy is built into the church at all levels. Nothing will change.

    8. I’m from a very catholic area and I think this is just part and parcel of the hypocrisy in the church’s rhetoric. Even if most Catholics don’t really believe that homosexuality is evil, or that divorced folks shouldnt remarry without a substantial bribe, or that abortion is murder, etc, the church will never modernize. Why? Because a small but important group of hard core Catholics, in every parish, LOVES this garbage. They’ll tolerate a LOT of corruption if it lets them continue to believe these things. The Catholic Church was the last bastion of the anti-woman white bigot before conservative politics turned into a klan rally.

       The people whose religious beliefs include “god hates f@gs” and “you should die from a non-viable pregnancy” are on board with covering for the men who let them believe that, even if they’re child abusing monsters.

       1. My Catholic heritage means a lot to me despite so many things, but this is pretty consistent with what I’ve observed as well. I don’t want to call them “hard core” since (a) they would love that and (b) they’re generally ill-informed about the traditions (good or bad) that they profess to uphold (much like the fundamentalists of other religions).

          1. I’m anon at 2:57 and I think that’s fair. I’ll amend “hard core”to “small but influential segment.” I admire your ability to think critically about your church.

16. Any recommendations for a reusable straw with a case?

17. This is probably a long shot, but is there anyone here who identifies as culturally Jewish but not religious who has joined a temple and found it rewarding? DH and I have lived in our current area a couple of years and have really struggled to make friends here. When we were childless, it was not a big deal, because we both have busy jobs, lots of hobbies and several close out-of-town friends that we manage to see quite regularly. But we recently had a baby, and I am starting to feel sad that we don’t have a village in this community. It is tough on a practical level (we have no one to ask for local childcare recommendations, etc.) but I’m also worried about our kid not having friends because we don’t have friends. This is an insular, Midwestern city where most people are Christian and the vast majority of people attend church and find a community there. DH and I really not religious at all, we celebrate only a couple of holidays (Passover because his family does a big gathering then, and Chanukah because it’s fun and we like an excuse to give gifts) and are not that interested in attending religious services. But the idea of joining the local Reform congregation and having a built-in community of people who share our cultural background is very appealing.

    1. Do it! So many people make up a community that is a synagogue – from those that attend every single service to those that run the education activities to those that organize volunteer activities. We don’t regularly attend services but do attend Friday community suppers and use it as a way to volunteer. Anytime we move its a way for instant community. My advice is to shop around though, it might be hard to find one without having to attend services at first. Do it now now though or wait a bit because people get swamped because of high holy days (in September this year) and it can be a hard time to meet people.

    2. I’ve been thinking about this too. Last night my 3.5 year old gave one of her expository speeches about “Mommy is Jewish because [maternal grandparents] are Jewish and because Mommy is my mommy I’m Jewish… but Daddy isn’t Jewish because [paternal grandmother] isn’t Jewish but … can Daddy do Shabbat candles with us?!” (Answer: yes, and he does.)

       I have such conflicted feelings about religion, but I want to leave open that door to her heritage. And there is a synagogue a block away. Maybe we should just swing by one day for services.

    3. I’m a cultural but not religious member of a Reform synagogue, and I think that type of synagogue could meet your needs. There are so many members of our temple who aren’t religious – people join for social groups, social justice activities, feeding the homeless, etc. Our rabbi literally said during a sermon on the High Holidays (one of two days a year I go for services) that believing what is exactly written in the Torah isn’t important – it’s the lessons and values you learn from reading it. That’s what I like about Reform synagogues – there is probably a place for everyone, no matter how religious you are or aren’t. I would definitely recommend checking it out.

    4. I have been considering doing the same thing ( and probably will once we have kids). I live in a growing mid-South city where we initially had a lot of friends, but a lot of them have moved. It has also been hard for us to make friends because a lot of people in our age group end up moving after being here for a few years or have kids and move out to the suburbs (and we normally weren’t good enough friends yet to really keep the relationship going).

       DH is culturally Jewish. I’m not really anything, but strangely, I’ve been the one pushing for us to get involved with a synagogue. I think part of it is that growing up, we were really involved with our church socially, even though my parents were not really religious. I felt like it gave my parents a way to meet other parents whose kids were the same age as us too, and the church had a lot of “family” events. The reform synagogue near us seems similar, which is why I want to join.

    5. Sorry to highjack, but does anyone know of some similar option for those who grew up Christian but don’t believe or just a secular group. I would love that type of social group.

       1. Look into a Unitarian congregation.

       2. I think that’s the UU Church.

       3. I love my Rotary Club for that. I always say I gave up God but I hated to give up Church, so I joined Rotary. We meet once a week and there’s singing, and a good talk, and we do good works and have social events and I even met my husband there! All the good stuff about church with none of the bad stuff!

    6. Have you looked into your local JCC? I’m culturally Jewish but not religious and that has been great for me – great sense of community, options to attend low key holiday celebrations, etc. I’ve even taken cooking classes and wine tastings.

    7. DH and I are also both culturally Jewish but not religious. We don’t have kids yet but I think we will be crossing this bridge when we do. I would encourage you to give it a try, my experience, based on my family members (especially those that are actively involved in their synagogue) is that there are a LOT of like-minded Jews out there that are not really into the religious stuff. I know couples that enrolled their kids in Jewish preschool and preK for this reason.

       Also, just putting it out there, every time I see a comment like this on this s!te and on others, someone always chimes in and says “if you’re not religious you’re not Jewish”. That’s incorrect.

    8. I am Reform Jewish; my husband is not Jewish (or Christian).
       Things I’d recommend: you don’t mention your city. Are you close to a Jewish Community Center? I’d recommend that a LOT.
       Also, you can hang out at a Reform Synagogue (shabbat services, couple events, TotShabbats) a LOT until you’re a member, to see if you like it or go “shul shopping” = shul being Olde Yiddush word for synagogue. and go to events at different synagogues.
       Husband and I did join a synagogue before we had kids, and I liked it and honestly we made some of our best couple friends through Jewish groups in our cities – Washington DC, if that helps. There used to be a group called Gesher City that connected people, including couples, including interfaith, for Shabbat dinners etc. I am still friends with those folks despite moving to another city.

       There are other ways to be Jewish, too – a purely social group like B’Nai B’Rith or a socio or political group, like PeaceNow or Black-Jewish Coalition or a more business-networking group like US-Israel Chamber of Commerce may be more your speed, depending on your city. But I think a synagogue is a perfectly ok place to start!

       Hope this help!

    9. That was totally my family growing up, in a small Midwestern city with maybe 100-150 Jewish families. Not religious at all, but we would light candles at Hannukah and usually have matzoh ball soup at Passover. My parents were always members of the synagogue, even though we basically never went (I went to Sunday School for a few years in elementary school), because it was important to them to support the existence of the Jewish community even if they didn’t necessarily want to participate in it. Now, as an adult, I live in a larger city, and I go to the Friday evening events (happy hour + service + dinner) aimed at people in their 20s and 30s maybe every two or three months, and it’s a great way to meet people. Everyone is always super friendly.

       1. This makes sense. DO IT!!!! I also identify with Jewish traditions, but need to get MARRIED to a decent guy, and then we can do the family thing, like Rosa does. She drops the kids off at the JCC and they have a lot of freinds b/c of their kid’s. Once I have kid’s I will do EXACTLY the same.

18. Thank you for the moderation update! The insight into what’s going on is much appreciated.

    1. YES! Thank you so much – I appreciate it.

       1. Testing

    2. Except why in tarnation are all my posts still being moderated, even with my email, even after posts with my email have been approved? I’ve been posting here for years and suddenly I am apparently persona non grata? What the heck?

       1. Same here.

       2. I wonder if there’s a time limit on your posts that were in moderation triggering moderation. For example, I have mistakenly used words with the letters e t t e in them before, and that put me into moderation. So the way it’s set up right now, maybe anyone who has ever been put into moderation has to be manually approved? (Which, let’s be honest, is all of us. It’s hard to avoid moderation here. Which is why we started using phrases for LGPs and garden hoses and gardeners.)

          1. I don’t know. I was fine for a while even when a lot of people were complaining about moderation, and then a week or two ago it just lowered the boom and I haven’t been able to post anything since.

             Also the comment form isn’t auto-filling my information any more. The two things happened at the same time.

             1. Same, exactly.

             2. Well at least I know it’s not just me. I was starting to get paranoid…

          2. I think it’s people whose IP’s are in auto-mod forever, and the new system is gonna keep it that way, so now I’m wondering if my IP was put on that list recently.

    3. Yes, and it’s about time!

    4. Ditto! Really appreciated the details :-)

    5. Testing

19. Here’s a question where y’all might have insight. I have an antique bed with a non-standard size mattress (custom made a while ago). I want to get a topper for it because the mattress is not that comfortable! But what do you do about the non-standard size? Should I get one of those egg-crate shaped things and cut it to size? Can anything be done with memory foam?

    1. You can cut both of those things down, no problem. I downcycled a queen sized memory foam topper we ended up not liking to the kids’ twin beds. It didn’t go all the way to the edge (a king cut in half would have) but they liked it just fine in the middle of their mattresses.

    2. Most cities have a foam store that can cut custom pieces of foam. I would call them up and ask if they could cut you one in the dimensions you need and then have a seamstress sew a cover for it.

       For example Palo Alto, CA has the House of Foam. It looks like they do online orders too! http://www.houseoffoam.net/

    3. Not specific topper advice, but two things:

       1. The best thing to cut foam with is an electric carving knife. if you do need to cut a foam topper, really try and do that.

       2. My BIL is very handy (like welding handy) and just converted a non-standard size bed frame to a standard sized one for a friend. In this case, it was a couple inch difference that isn’t noticible when you look at it (mattress is now an inch or so wider than the headboard on each side). The people loved the the bedframe, but it was a pain to get matresses and linens that fit so this was the long term solution.

       1. Wow, I hadn’t thought about that! The bed itself is 100+ yrs old, and I wonder if we could keep the footboard and headboard and replace the middle parts that hold the bed up. My dude’s next project is to make a (standard size twin) bed for Kiddo, so maybe if that’s a success I’ll suggest he go to town on this one!

          (Also I love electric carving knives so that could be a good excuse to get one!)

          1. BTW- They sell conversion kits to turn antique beds into regular sizes! One example is: Bed Claw Queen Bed Modification Plate, Headboard Attachment Bracket

    4. I didn’t realize I could cut down a memory foam topper! I am going to look into this! Thank you!

20. How do you control your excitement when you first start dating someone new? Someone you have been on a few dates with and really hit it off. I’m trying not to get too excited, because it most likely won’t work out, but it’s so hard because I rarely find people I’m really interested in.

    1. This comment made me really sad. Let yourself be excited! Don’t start thinking now about how and why it “probably” won’t work out. Don’t temper your feelings just because you feel like you’re supposed to.

    2. Don’t? I figured that anyone who was scared off by my enthusiasm would probably not be a great fit. If you don’t want a text that says, “that was so fun! i can’t wait to hang out again!” immediately after a date concludes, don’t date me. I mean, don’t start planning out your wedding, but if you *like* someone, enjoy liking them! Dating can be fun!

       1. This! Be excited! It’s an exciting time!

       2. +1

    3. I get where you’re coming from. What worked for me, to keep from getting too invested in anyone when they hadn’t really given me back any indication they were also invested, was to go on dates with different people.

       1. +1

    4. When I was dating I liked it if someone was excited about me, even more so if I was equally excited about them.

       Anyone scared off by your excitement is probably a commitment phobe or not into you, both of which you’re better off knowing sooner rather than later.

       So be yourself!

    5. Yeah, just let yourself be excited. When I was dating my sweet husband, I would tell myself that it was probably not going to last but even if it didn’t, it was worth it to have had the opportunity to hang out with somebody so awesome even for a while.

21. Thank you for the detailed explanation of the mod issues, Kat!

22. Maybe some of y’all ladies could help someone who’s a bit of a newbie? I’m trying to move into a rather entry-level government job (think first line helpdesk – it’s a start). My default outfit is black pants, coordinated black blazer, and a nice top – aiming for the “not quite a suit” level here, especially since heaven knows I can’t afford an actual suit that fits my figure. My question is, if I’m looking for a backup outfit/in case of second interview, would a black dress and gray blazer be around the same formality level?

    1. I would do a colored dress with a black blazer. A non-black blazer sometimes reads as less formal and is not what I would really be going for in an interview. Also, depending on the shade of grey, if there isn’t enough of a difference between the grey and black, it can sometimes look like you’ve gotten dressed in the dark.

       1. The one thing is I do already own a black dress, but not a blazer other than the one that goes with my black pants (it’s not a suit, but it’s kind of a distinctive piece). I’m trying to somewhat limit the number of pieces I buy. That and me and colors, especially “summery” colors, tend to not get along! I’d have better luck if it were 2 or 3 months later when the fall colors come out.

          I’ll take a poke through ross though and see what comes up – a LOT of my workwear comes from there.

    2. For an entry level help desk job with the government, I think a black dress and (formal, not casual) grey blazer would probably be totally fine. Good luck!

    3. I think that sounds fine.

    4. Yes I think that would work just fine.

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