Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Eileen Black Jersey Shift Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

LK Bennett always gives me strong Kate Middleton vibes, and this dress is no exception. The fitted silhouette and contrast trim detail are absolutely Middleton-ian, in the best way possible. I would pair this with a blazer for a more business formal look, but it would also look great on its own.

Finally, this might sound morbid, but here’s a pro tip that I wish someone had told me several years ago: It never hurts to have a great-fitting, appropriate-for-all-settings, dark-colored dress on hand for wakes and funerals. The last thing you want to worry about in those circumstances is overnighting an outfit from Amazon at the last minute. (Ask me how I know!)

The dress is $320 at LK Bennett and comes in sizes 2–14.

Looking for something more affordable? Try this belted dress from BB Dakota (XS–L; $79) or this knot-front dress from East Adeline (1X–5X; $59).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

591 Comments

  1. I’m in-house counsel at a fortune 500 company. I like it here, but I’m underpaid. After researching and talking with recruiters, I could make 1.5-2 times elsewhere doing the same job. I suspect it’s a department issue, not just me. I gently raised the topic with my manager, and while he agreed, I don’t get the feeling he is inclined to do much about it. Should I tell him I’m being recruited? Wait until I have another offer? I’d be satisfied with a 25% increase, but even that seems unlikely when my last merit increase after a great year was low single digits. Is there a way to fix this without leaving? My preference is to find a way to stay.

    1. Stay or Go, If you are so confident in your abilities, you must be prepared to go, and don’t be surprised if they let you. I had a big impression of myself years ago, when in reality I did not know 1/2 as much as I thought I knew, just b/c I passed the bar on the first try. So I felt under appreciated at work (which was true), but it was NOT a law job, so they couldn’t pay me. Even after I started work here, I continued to think I was underpaid, but I had not paid my dues. Have you really paid your dues there? If not, you need to wait. But once I paid my dues, I had my Dad negotiate for what I was really worth. If your Dad can do that for you, you may have a good chance of getting more, but be prepared to lose. In my case, Dad worked it out that I became a partner, got into their retirement fund early, and am now making high 6 figures even after my deductions into the retirement fund. You should negotiate deferred compensation b/c it does not cost them anything now, and they can justify it to their manageing partners. Good luck to you!

    2. Low single digits is a cost of living adjustment and the firm is disingenuous to pretend otherwise. Is there a compelling reason you want to stay knowing your contributions are so undervalued?

    3. Why would you want to stay? You like it there; you don’t love it. You could like a place that paid you 1.5-2x as much just for showing up vs a place that might begrudgingly give you a small raise.

      1. Other than the pay issue, the company treats employees well, and I am left to do my own thing for the most part, which I like. I also have a ton of flexibility in when and where I work and there are not a lot of office politics. These intangibles are worth enough to me to try to find a way to make it work.

          1. Agreed. I hear a lack of confidence in OP’s answer above. There’s no reason to think the other place won’t also recognize OP’s awesome contributions and allow her similar flexibility, good treatment, and the ability to do her own thing sans politics. It’s a risk, but no risk it, no biscuit.

          2. There really is no way to know whether or not the new place will be better–that is the challenge with situations like this. They may say that they are all in on flexibility during the interview process–but until OP has been there, she won’t really know. I have a somewhat similar situation to the OP, and I suspect that part of the reason pay in my group at my company might be lower than “market rate” is because flexibility is truly permitted. WFH, whenever, very family friends, excellent parental leave, etc. All of those things are benefits which are just as important as comp.

    4. Wait until you have another offer and see if they will go above it. I’d be cautious to stay if they match it because you might not get a raise the following year when new job may give you better raises each year or at least have room for promotions, etc.

    5. You should wait until you have another offer. And then, if they match, you consider staying — but, if not, you should leave.

      1. The conventional wisdom is never to accept a counteroffer from a current employer. It rarely pans out in the long run.

        1. In my experience this is very dependent on why someone was looking in the first place. Usually people look for a mix of reasons like advancement or advancement potential, benefits, coworkers, corporate culture, etc. And if it’s any of those things, totally agree that taking a counteroffer just delays the inevitable. But, if it’s truly about money and everything else is good, that’s another story.

          That being said, it is very unlikely the current employer would make an offer to double OP’s salary, and OP shouldn’t settle for just 25% more. So from a practical standpoint, the answer will be to take another job.

    6. I stayed in a very underpaid job for 8 years because my boss was amazing and I liked my department colleagues. Then the money became a serious obstacle to my life goals, so I left for a 60% raise and a permanent WFH position.

      With time and perspective, my boss wasn’t actually that great, she was just…better than the really terrible bosses I’d had before her. I thought I had autonomy there, but now I have real actual autonomy–my new boss trusts me to get things done without demanding a consistent Teams presence or “office hours”, she only gives me more work when I confirm I can handle it, and I haven’t had to use a drop of PTO to get to my specialist’s appointments.

      TL;DR: rose-colored glasses are real, and most jobs are not unicorns. Move on.

      1. Thank you. I needed to hear this. My last job was toxic, so I don’t want to find myself in a bad situation again.

        1. Good luck, you can do this! Come back with stories about how awesome the new place is.

    7. Generally yes, you should look. That said, confirm the actual market with friends of yours not just recruiters, in-house salaries can vary widely (also a reason to look) but so can the experience (a reason to stay). But always look when you’re even a little bit unhappy where you are.

    8. Why be satisfied with a 25% raise when you could get a 100% raise by moving? Your manager’s non-response had told you everything you need to know about how your current employer values you.

      You owe them nothing. Keep moving forward.

    9. This is the same as my F50 company. I would suggest checking around with colleagues to see if this is an across-the-board thing. At mine, it is – regardless of the business unit or legal department. Certain titles are within a certain pay band. The company knows we are significantly underpaid compared to our competitors. The benefits are great and I love the company. That said, in a few years, I can see myself jumping if there isn’t some market alignment. I’ve only been with them a couple of years and I’m in an industry/space that is very much what I want to do. My business unit is fairly unique with only a few other companies where this type of business unit exists.

  2. Hi all, I did a bad thing, I made my first Amazon order in years (it was for a specialty part to repair an appliance, and I literally couldn’t find it elsewhere dispite spending hours searching). Anyone have a suggestion for good labour rights charity I can donate to as penance? Also anyone have tips for searching the occasional odd product so I don’t end up in this situation again?

    1. So you’re saying: everyone who shops at Amazon is doing bad things. Cool, thanks for that judgment on a Monday morning!
      I’m certain you could search for a labor rights charity, but you chose to post here so you get your performative “good deed” points.

    2. I get the urge to avoid shopping there (I don’t order there either if I can help it), but there’s no sense in beating yourself up about ordering something on rare occasion. It’s not as if the alternatives Target/Walmart/Home Depot etc. are paragons of worker’s rights. No ethical consumption under capitalism, eh?

    3. I feel like Amazon, Walmart, et al are fine from a labor and employment perspective for how they treat direct employees. My beef is with the cr@p they sell, often made in Chin by workers who are at best exploited and at its worst . . . I shudder to think. So repair when you can. Buy quality so you don’t need to perpetually re-buy. I think you know this. In the meantime, donate to Ukraine, where they will need to rebuild from rubble. Or to your food bank, b/c food will become more expensive (everywhere, especially places that depend on Ukraine’s grain harvest) as fuel costs rise and food costs rise. Donate to diaper banks — Eminem is right that food stamps don’t buy diapers.
      Donate to the needy — they are everywhere.

      1. OP is out of her mind, but you seriously think Amazon and Walmart are “fine from a labor and employment perspective for how they treat direct employees”?

        1. To the extent a company is subject to US labor laws, maybe they have compliance issues but there are LAWS. For cr@p made elsewhere, how do you even begin to diligence that? It is all suspect to me unless maybe it is from very few other places on earth.

          1. Some folks here have never seen a maquiladora, Chinese factory, or Indian “workshop” IRL and it shows.

      2. Well, US workers don’t get maternity leave, among other things. So, maybe don’t buy anything made in the US then, if you want to ensure workers are treated well…?

        1. They get 12 weeks of job-protected FMLA leave and many states do have paid leave in excess of the FMLA. The more paid leave, the more expensive the product however. Do you even live in the US?

        2. Actually Amazon provides paid family leave for all full time employees. So by that metric, maybe only shop at amazon??

    4. I think you are a troll but on the off chance that you aren’t, two things:
      1. You spent hours searching for this particular item so I am pretty sure you can successfully search for a labor rights org
      2. You felt the need to “confess” on a blog post about doing a very, very normal thing. Maybe dig into that a little.

      1. this was my reaction, too.

        if this post is real, my suggestion to the OP is therapy for your guilt and anxiety issues… and considering whether the way you communicate is actually a way to elicit dialogue, or attempting to impress others / humblebrag in a very thinly veiled manner…

        1. This is blatantly just humble bragging. But it’s not humble and a super weird thing to brag about.

    5. Clearly the labor-friendly and environmentally friendly solution is to cancel the order for the part and buy a whole new appliance from a local retailer.

      1. Well, depends on the appliance. Clothes get perfectly clean by washing them in a tub or beating them on rocks in the river. And if you shop daily Euro-style, which I am lead to believe is the perfect way to shop, you don’t really need a fridge. That a dishwasher or dryer is unnecessary goes without saying.

        1. For centuries we lived without electricity and internal combustion engines. OP should try going off the grid. And get water from a well or filter it from a stream or rainwater.

        2. True, but this is only a valid option if you eat organic, locally grown food exclusively. Otherwise you’re indirectly using fossil fuels for tr-nsport, supporting Big Pesticide, etc, which ruins the benefit of the manual labor, no?

          1. I only eat organically-grown vegetables that I grow in my backyard using no pesticides and only our own composted feces as fertilizer (don’t make that face! It’s ORGANIC!). I mean, a couple of months ago, in the middle of winter we did all lose quite a bit of weight when our food stores were down to a few green potatoes and a few limp carrots but we refuse to compromise our environmental credibility! It’s fine now, we’re eating all the new dandelion greens we can scavenge from the lawn and also stealing birdseed from our neighbors’ feeder to make into organic “muffins.” My kids say the muffins still taste like birdseed with bird poop in it but I keep lecturing them that maintaining our organic environmental lifestyle is the most important consideration. Eventually they’ll listen.

        3. This is the correct answer. You all have…appliances…in your homes? Like, that use water and electricity and such? I use wooden buckets I keep on my back patio for washing dishes and clothing and a wooden tub with wet towels in it to keep our food cold. I mean, the children have gotten food poisoning several times and last time the doctor at the hospital said little Johnny almost didn’t make it! But it’s a small price for pay for being truuuuulllly environmentally-conscious and besides – how on Earth could I get my daily dose of smug psychological satisfaction for being better than other people if I actually bought a refrigerator? Perish the thought!

          1. But wait … you went to a HOSPITAL? You’re supposed to heal your sick children using herbs you dig for in the wild, you know, with your fingers raw and bleeding from the cold. I’m taking your mom card away from you, as well as your environmental savior card. Hand ’em over, woman!

          2. Ohhhh the SHAME!! I tried to heal them with the herbs, and also with essential oils and prayer but…the vomiting and diarrhea were just too much for me, I admit it. Especially with just the wooden wash-bucket on the porch to clean up all the dirty rags (we would never use paper towels, of course!). So I just dumped little Johnny off at the local hospital and let them deal with it.

    6. Fun Monday post. I made 11 purchases at Amazon in the last 4 days as I’m preparing for a spring break trip with my kids. Would you like a breakdown of each item so that you can suggest an appropriate donation based on each purchase?

    7. Yeah I cannot with this, this early on a Monday morning g especially. Amazon has terrible labor practices, whilst the head guy is shooting himself into space. Walmart has bad labor practices, whilst the heirs have amassed not only a fortune but one of the best private art collections in the world. Most clothing is sourced from materials made in sweatshops. Don’t even look at the sourcing on some of the components on your electronics.

      You know what, we each have to do the best we can, particular to each of our individual circumstances. Since OP is throwing shade about Amazon, I hope she is this particular about each and every aspect of her life. And I wonder how she typed this out and sent it into the internet without using an electronic device with suspect components.

      1. “Don’t even look at the sourcing on some of the components on your electronics.”

        Yep, folks who are inclined to be keyboard crusaders, typity-type-typing away on their laptops and phones about how what everyone else does is terrible should go read about what rare-Earth element mining is doing environmentally and politically in Africa. Particularly what China’s done to ensure their hold over the rare-earth elements they need to keep manufacturing our phones and computers.

    8. I think the only way to truly do penance for this purchase is to walk to your nearest Amazon distribution center (no hitchhiking! Cars are bad!), do a double shift in the warehouse (remember their standard shifts are 10 hours so be ready to work 20 hours without a break), and then walk back home. That should offset your completely-meaningless-in-the-scheme-of-things purchase.

      While you’re there, can you check on the status of my latest order? I ordered some Batiste dry shampoo (the Walgreens by my house no longer carries my favorite version), a case of the Katz gluten-free cream-filled chocolate cupcakes (PMS, amirite?) and a bumper sticker for our Airstream trailer that says “If This Trailer’s Rockin’, Don’t Come A-Knockin’.” Really need the bumper sticker by this weekend as we have a camping trip planned. Thanks so much!

    9. I buy everything at Amazon and love it so looks like I’m going to H ** E **LL. LOL

      1. This just makes me think of the Good Place and Eleanor’s rant about how it’s basically impossible in the current world to be completely ethical. “There’s this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it’s delicious!”

    10. Your penance is reading “Wallet Activism” and making a donation to both the charity of your choice and the campaign of a local or National political candidate who supports labor unions, human rights, etc.

    11. Are you able to order direct from the manufacturer/seller and cancel the Amz order?

    12. You can choose an organization that supports girls’ education, internationally or locally, or something like Green Cross International for sustainable development.

      Both directions will be a positive contribution to future workers.

  3. What’s something that you didn’t expect to make a difference in your life, but did? Or something that was totally worth the hype?

    For me, it’s lifting weights and meditation. Turns out there’s a reason people can’t shut up about these things! My mental health has improved, I’m able to focus more easily and best of all the number of migraines I get each month is a fraction of what it used to be.

    1. Peloton. I don’t even have their hardware, I just use the app, but it’s completely changed my relationship with exercise for the second time in my life. The first time, at uni, it was from ‘I don’t do that’ to ‘I see how this benefits my mental health and I guess it’s bearable’ – Peloton changed it into something I genuinely love doing. On Friday morning I didn’t want to go to the gym, so I went for a 45 minute run in the sunshine and smiled most of the way. Past me would be so confused

      1. Really?!! Tell me more. I haven’t investigated at all. What does the app do that’s motivating?

        1. I agree with everything Ribena said! Personally I think the app is so engaging because of a combination of excellent instructors, variety of classes/lengths, and actual good music playlists.

        2. The workouts are just so good! I love that none of them mention calories or weight, and they’re all so positive.

          1. OOH I didn’t realize this, but you’re right! I also love that it’s mostly about the current workout and what you can do now, vs gains.

        3. +1 I use my app daily – did even before I received the bike as a present from my daughter – so I’ve done it for almost 2 years. Also the meditation part is great for my mental health.

      2. I agree! I absolutely love the Peloton app. It has everything I need and I love the ease of use and content.

      3. +1 I use the app every single day. I love the variety of workouts and the variety of instructors. I’ve always liked group workout classes best and this is the closest I’ve come to having it at home. No bike or tread. I just do the yoga, strength, stretching, cardio, and outdoor components.

    2. A silly one, but those zipper bags for washing delicates and bras. They work so well to avoid bobbles and stretching and cost so little.

    3. 100% meditation. I got positively dragged into meditation because I didn’t think I needed it, but I wanted to go a yoga teacher training program and they all include meditation (I remember looking in earnest for YTT programs that didn’t have meditation – they all do). Turns out that the meditation benefits are so real and powerful and I’m now obsessed – like even did a 10 day silent meditation retreat. It’s a build up too – like one sitting may give you something (or not, that’s why a lot of people quit too early, I think), but the daily 5-15 minutes of meditation really build up my mental reserves. I kind of think of it like a mental well-being bank, and every min of meditation is a deposit of resilience.

      On a completely different note, my iPhone. I was a later adopter and it completely is worth the hype. In December I had to use an android phone for a week while waiting for my new iPhone and it was positively painful.

        1. I love the Insight Timer app – huge selection of independent teachers and styles of meditations. If a style or teacher doesn’t click with you – try a different one.

          Also there’s a tracking feature that I find very motivating once I get a streak going. When I teach/coach meditation habits I always try and get people to just start with a 1-3 minute daily meditation for a week, to get the streak going.

        2. I really like 10% Happier. It’s paid but worth it to me, they add content regularly and you can do themed courses or standalone meditations from a variety of teachers.

      1. I feel like I don’t “get” meditation. I try it but always end up falling asleep. I applaud people it works for!

        1. for real, I get that feeling! totally was me. For preventing the falling asleep issue, selecting shorter length meditations (3-5 minutes), different more active type meditations (esp visualization), and doing it right after a workout may help! Yoga was originally invented to prepare the body for meditation, so it’s really effective to pair however you like to move your body with meditation.

        2. I tried it once and found it horrific and terrifying. It made me feel the opposite of claustrophobic, if that’s a thing. Like everything was boundless, and the scope of life as a concept was too much for me to handle. Gave me a panic attack.

          1. You might try different versions of it or try it again. I have had these responses before due to an existing panic disorder, when I meditated early on, and that was really kind of a sign that it was working I think and I wasn’t ready for it

          2. Ahh that’s so tough! I’m not going to push you towards trying it again because that sounds horrible, but do want to offer reassurance that if you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to meditate (like as part of a group exercise), or if you want to try for your own reasons, please know that there are so many different types of meditation – you don’t need to fear it.

          3. Meditation can definitely be harmful as well as helpful! It can even cause mental health crises. There’s sometimes an assumption that it’s a totally benign form of self-care, but that’s neither evidence based nor traditional. I read a lot about this when several people panic spiraled at a retreat that was apparently leading very advanced meditation to people who weren’t thoroughly prepared. I had only had bad experiences myself, so I wanted to understand how bad it could get!

            I did read that there are many types of meditation, most of which are safer.

            But since all my bad experiences were with very tame meditation, I concluded it’s totally okay to opt out of literally all of it (up to and including yoga). I have a medical issue that affects my breathing, so my CO2 levels get out of whack very easily if I consciously control my breathing, and it’s no fun to have breathing trouble or black out in a group setting. Mindfulness meditation is okay for my breathing, but it just pushes me even farther in the direction that my mind tends to go by default. I need to be a little less mindful and in the moment if I want to get anything done, so it’s not really a beneficial intervention. I’m sure I have some unconscious meditative practices (spacing out while doing chores; relaxing while petting the cat; sipping my coffee while watching the sun come up), but I think those are also enough for me as they are.

    4. A morning routine that involves warm lemon water and meditation. No screens in bed (still struggle!)

      1. yesss morning lemon warm water! I add Himalayan salt to mine as well. It’s so engrained in me at this point I do it on vacations with true lemon packets.

    5. The Fitbit. All this walking is a total game changer for a variety of reasons, most notably that the roar of my chronic anxiety has retreated to a mere whisper.

      1. Oh wow! That is literally the first testimonial for a Fitbit that has ever made me think maybe I should try it.

        1. I was shocked but it’s rocked my world. Also being outside is fabulous — who knew?

      1. I loved them at first. But then they knocked out and broke the internal ?heat sensor in the dryer. Costly repair visit. I learned there are delicate things inside the dryer cavity that shouldn’t be hit by balls moving at high velocity.

        1. Nuts. Well, I did like them. I’m guessing when I use tennis balls with the down coats that is probably a really, really bad idea. Thank you for letting me know and (hopefully) saving us similar repair.

    6. Menopause. It has its downsides, but no more floodgate cycles where I could not go an hour without changing, no more cramping and having to pretend that I was just fine because feeling that dysfunctional every 3 weeks (my cycle) would never fly in my world, no more pregnancy worries.

  4. We’re probably placing an offer on a house this week. We really are growing out of our house space-wise and we’ve been looking for a while. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about a housing crash, though. We’d be selling our current home, too, so I suppose we’d be seeing some gains here, and I don’t suspect that this new house is overpriced in the current market, but… what if everything crashes and we lose 30% of our new home’s value? I’d suppose we would lose some value in our current home if we stayed but it’s smaller so strictly from a dollar standpoint it would be a smaller loss. Just, ugh. I don’t suspect it’ll be any better anytime soon so just need to do the best we can in the present.

    Not even sure the point of this post outside of a rant that the housing market is really unfortunate right now. The end.

    1. We bought in 2006, so our value tanked for sure. Now it’s sky-high compared to even what we paid. As long as you’re planning to stay put for a while, it will be fine. If you think you may move again within a few years, just hold off.

    2. If you’re in it for the long-ish haul, you’re good. Agree, the housing market is nuts, but you are not nuts. You grew out of your old house and bought a better fit. Keep focused on that.

    3. Are you outgrowing your house as in “5 people in a 2 bedroom apartment” or is your stuff outgrowing your house? If the latter, it’s much cheaper and safer to purge excess stuff.

      1. Good question! 5 people in an 1100 sqft house is our issue — but we do have stuff, too! We’ve minimized for a while to stay for as long as possible.

      2. Have you had 5 people in a 2BR apartment when 3 of them are on zoom school and 2 of them are adults trying to earn a living? I’m about to buy some land and put up 5 tiny houses on it.

        1. #dreams

          In all reality, maybe it’s time to move back to the farm where such a thing could probably be accomplished by the end of the month. The local utility just ran fiber internet to my parents place…

        2. Facts. Right here.

          I’d like to thank 2020 and 2021 for helping me to get over my ‘we should really have an open concept house! That would be great for our family.’ vibe and all the way to ‘Big fan of doors.’

    4. Is it your forever house? Even if the market crashes, it’ll likely be a wash when you sell eventually.

    5. Don’t spend more than you can comfortably afford and stop thinking about it after that. Homes are meant to be lived in, they’re not solely investment vehicles. Yes, they are a primary source of many people’s assets but it’s not an issue unless you’re looking to flip or move regularly.

      1. This exactly. People talk about the value of their houses, but that only matters when you’re selling. It’s not like someone grabs money out of your money market account if the market tanks.

      2. This! Your house is a place you live. If you can afford the mortgage it’s smart to move to a place you spend so much time. Even if you ultimately lose money on a sale, did you really lose money seeing as you paid for a place to live for the time you lived there?

    6. I know a lot of people track their home value like it’s an investment, but I think there are other ways of looking at it that lead to a better/more stable approach and feelings about it.
      Some parts of it are consumable and will continually need replacing and fixing, some parts are just a physical asset you’ve bought to use, maybe for a few years, maybe for your lifetime. Part of it is the privilege of customizability – making major changes to suit your lifestyle.
      I try to focus on whether I’m getting value for money in these areas (usually vs the cost and benefits of renting) rather than just the investment performance, particularly if I don’t think it’s likely I’ll sell for a decade+

    7. Feel the same way. Moving from a 1200 sqft 2-bedroom apt for a family of four into a house. For us the precipitating event is a job change, but it’s scary out there.

    8. Even if the market crashes, you still get to live there for a fixed mortgage price. And even if the value fluctuates, you don’t lose money until you sell. And even if you do have to sell, it’s only money.

    9. If you’re planning to live in it for the long term, stop worrying and stop treating it as a speculative investment.

  5. I’m trying to overhaul my snacking habits, so I splurged on some dried figs at Wegmans. The sell-by date is three months after the packaging date, and I kept them in a cool dry pantry, but they went moldy within four days. Did I do something wrong, or should I return them?

      1. Do people really have time for this? I get at least one spoiled item in my grocery order every week.

        1. I’d just take it along on the next trip in. With a mostly-plants diet and buying fresh produce for a small household, I run for groceries twice a week.

        2. This, I just don’t have the kind of time in my life to add extra things like this to my mental load.

        3. I’d probably take the time to do this and I mostly shop at Trader Joes which claims to take returns for anything you’re not happy with… but the last thing I want sitting around my kitchen for a week is moldy food. If it’s moldy, it’s definitely getting tossed, not returned.

        4. Well, if you aren’t ever going into the store, then yeah it is incrementally a lot more work to do a return. But some of us still shop in stores so it’s not an extra task. I shop for my own groceries in part because getting spoiled goods is unacceptable and in part it puts a strain on our budget. My last experience with spoiled groceries was two rancid T-bone steaks – not cheap! So yes, for $30 I went back and got a refund.

        5. this is why I find just running to the store myself easier than online shopping for groceries! I would 100% return pricy snacks that were dated incorrectly.

        6. OP asked if she should return them so I said yes. She didn’t specify whether she had time or not. It sounded like returning was something she could feasibly do. I live within walking distance from three grocery stores. Sorry your life is so busy!!!

          1. Agree with those who take it back. It’s worth it for me. I also live within walking distance of grocers.

    1. You might not even need the receipt — my Kroger customer service desk said that as long as you are not a “serial returner” they just take your word for it. And yes, depending on the price of the item and whether I can just take it back during my next trip, I’d do it. OP said it was a splurge, not a Roma tomato for $0.48.

    2. I have made complaints per email with obviously faulty items. Photo of item, photo of packaging with relevant codes and dates, store and other info. Result: mail with giftcard (item price) a month or so later.

  6. A few posters recommended wearing a leather jacket to a concert on Friday afternoon’s post (different OP). Any recommendations where to buy one? Mid 30s, DC, and would prefer something timeless. Thanks!

    1. Allsaints. Be aware that the US sizing runs 1-2 sizes small. I have the Dalby, which I like because it doesn’t have a belt or epaulets.

      For a lighter weight, the washed leather moto from Madewell is popular.

      1. I love the look of Allsaints but their sizing is so small and I can’t fit into anything as a 12-14. If anyone has recs for similar sources that are more size inclusive, please share!

      2. Just seconding this exact jacket for anyone who fits in their size range. I normally wear a 0 and got a 4 — but I get compliments on it constantly.

    2. I have a Vince leather jacket that is probably close to 10 years old that I still love.

    3. They are pricey but I love my Mackage Baya jacket – it’s slightly cropped so it looks great over dresses/skirts/high waisted pants.

    4. The Real Real- luxury leather jackets for a fraction of the price. I love all of the ones that I’ve gotten from there. Thousand dollar jackets for a couple hundred? yep!

    5. I have colored suede ones from BlankNyc (burgundy and another in cream) that I always get compliments on. Super comfy. Nordstrom or Rack often has sales.

    6. Get something second hand. A classic leather jacket is an investment and an excellent purchase from a consignment shop. Local DC options include Secondi (Dupont Circle) and Current (several locations plus online; items from the website arrive very fast and are returnable) plus Redzz (Bethesda) and Ella Rue (Georgetown).

  7. Shoe help. What do you where for the in between seasons? I live in a cold and snowy climate and just do real snow boots when needed and Sorel out and about much of winter. While they have laces, I just keep them tied and slip them on. We’re now in the phase of it being 32 in the mornings and 60 in the afternoons (hopefully–we also had snow this weekend). I don’t want to wear boots anymore but like to have my ankles covered when it’s cold and prefer something I can slip on. Not really interested in leather Chelsea boots. Socks that cover my ankle look funny with so many fashion-y sneakers or slip ons. Why am I struggling with this?!

    1. Because you’ve refused all reasonable options. We wear sneakers, slip ons, or short boots. Suck it up and pick a shoe that exists in reality.

    2. I wear sneakers and Wrightsocks to cover my ankles. More athletic-looking than fashiony but I don’t care.

    3. Same climate as you, and I tend to have this shoe struggle-fight-with-reality in the fall when it starts to get cold. Mostly because I generally just really dislike wearing shoes and strongly prefer sandals, but alas – cold.

      Anyway, you’re probably going to have to pick your poison of the options you stated. Right now I’m wearing low booties/Chelsea boots and sneakers with socks showing. Thank you Gen Z for sneakers+socks trend, I will take that one.

      Pants length can also help with this issue – my favorite pair of jeans right now is bootcut jeans (also delighted these are back around) and that means I can wear sneakers + higher socks and nobody can even see them.

      Last fall I entertained the notion of high top sneakers to deal with the ankle issue, but never actually got any. I really liked the look of No Bull High-Top Black Trainers but couldn’t get myself to buy them. In this category, Converse high top sneakers are also an option, but didn’t work for me.

      1. Taos has some really cool high top leather sneakers, but they’re a bit more than I want to spend.

        Shoe choice also depends on how much you’re outside. I drive to work, and on a day with a temperature swing like that, I would do short boots with no show socks and ankle pants, or regular socks and longer pants. I am also fond of wearing a dress or skirt that is around knee length, some Spanx-type undershorts for coverage, and knee high boots with knee socks that don’t show. I realize this is not the peak of fashion. A midi dress with leggings underneath and maybe some kind of Oxford snow with no show socks would also work for me.

        If my ankles were cold in the office, I’d sit with a pashmina over my legs.

    4. Converse with the high top would work but are not slip on. Is there even a slip on shoe that covers the ankle? Don’t they always take some fumbling to get on?

      1. There are some slip on sneaker/boot hybrid things out there. Not sure I can pull them off.

    5. Are your jeans too short? You can’t really see my socks when I wear jeans, socks, and sneakers

      1. Fashionable jeans are still short enough to show socks. I feel like a frumpy old lady with jeans that come down to my shoes.

        1. A year ago I would have agreed with this, but the fashionable jean companies are all making bootcut, wide leg, and flare jeans right now that go down all the way/aren’t cropped. While the majority of my jeans are cropped still right now, I personally think my bootcut and wide leg jeans that go all the way to the floor look more current then then the cropped.

          1. I agree with both of you – the trend is toward non-cropped pants, but after how many years of wearing ankle pants? Close to 10? It can be hard to get used to the look.

            And as someone in my 50s, I feel like I have to be a little more aware of frump, plus the longer pants (although not bootcut jeans, I’m good with those) tend to make me flash back to dowdy 1990s business casual.

        2. I’m a millennial who will be separated from my skinny jeans kicking and screaming! And I don’t wear trousers for work

    6. I recently got some (fake) shearling lined chukkas and they’re good for this…they feel like shoes more than booties, but my ankles are fairly covered, and they are warm enough that I don’t need socks and don’t mind having exposed lower shins (and don’t feel so cold). I wonder if shearling insoles would have a similar effect and allow you to wear shorter pants without socks?

    7. socks are your friend–and don’t wear them with fashiony sneakers, wear them with some sort of waterproof short boot. Or socks with some sort of sneaker. wear longer pants, or joggers.

    8. Well, Chelsea boots are the answer, as is wearing socks. But if you don’t like either of those, wear dresses or skirts with tights and whatever shoes you want.

  8. I am in my hometown visiting my parents for a stressful family reason (I am here for support for another family member). I’m extremely anxious and just have frayed nerves around everyone. I’m not sure why I’m so on edge; I’m very busy with some stressful work at the same time but usually I’m not so strung out feeling. Any tips for making it through today without exploding at someone for a small reason?

      1. A specific recommendation for meditation – Insight Timer app. Search in the app for one of the following –

        “3-Minute Homecoming” by Amy Patee (3 min)
        “Ten Breaths Meditation” by Mary Waldon (4 min)
        “Observing Your Needs” by Katie Meuse (5 min)

        A little big longer – but SO GOOD – just listen to any by Sarah Blondin. In particular, “Learning to Surrender” (8 min) has gotten me through some of the most stressful times in my life.

    1. I mean it’s all right there in what you said. This event is stressful, work is stressful. Try meditation, try to resolve why these situations are bringing you anxiety and work through the feelings, lots of boundaries and self-care

    2. Build in more self care if you can – 10-15 minute walks or exercise breaks where you can get some endorphins or even chat to a friend on the phone. Activate your friends – ask them to send you silly videos or memes or text you to check in. Try to have a wind down routine so your sleep is restful – I like to shower at night with candles lit, get into nice clean pjs, and do a gentle 10 minute stretch in bed or a meditation. If you aren’t big into meditation (I don’t like it myself) asmr or ‘sleep stories’ for adults are a good way to shut your brain down before bed.

    3. When something is really irritating me, and I know it’s irrational, I will do a countdown from 30 in my head. The reasoning is that even if it’s a very unpleasant/irritating/frustrating situation, often it will pass within 30 seconds (i.e., someone telling a boring story, someone cutting you off in traffic, a cashier being really slow to hand back change), which in the big picture is nothing.

    4. Besides my meditation recs up above, other potential helpful things:
      -go get good coffee, bakery treat, some kind of treat
      -order takeout vs making food
      -via headphones in a private bathroom or in your car alone, listening to a fun song way too loud. jam out.
      -if you’re into yoga, do 5 sun salutations.
      -if you’re into working out, 3-5 burpees.
      -clean out your purse/wallet. idk why this makes me feel better but it does

      Also, don’t be hard on yourself – being the support person is super stressful and hard in it’s own way, since you’re not the one who things are happening to, and you’re not the one in control of anything, but still have to deal with all the ramifications.

    5. Is there a batting cage near by? Not joking. 20 minutes of hitting will get out most of your stress, just be prepared to be tired the next day. Other options that help me is just really any form of physical activity – preferably to the point of max out/exhaustion. And, let’s be honest, sometimes there is something to be said for getting a bit sloshed with your other family members in the evening for stressful family situations. Not a long term coping skill, but it has a time and place.

    6. Take breaks- especially during stressful times, take 1-2 deliberate 30min breaks per day. Go get your nails done, try out coffee shops, go to the supermarket for something, offer to pick up dinner, go for a walk and call a friend who’ll distract you.

    7. thanks for everyone’s comments! Today went okay—I moved locations and that helped a lot. I also took back some agency in having firm boundaries. A long walk and having a glass of wine tonight along with some mindless tv.

  9. My email has been down since last Friday afternoon, and I just got off the phone with IT and it won’t be back up until “sometime this week”. They showed me a workaround so I can send emails, but I still can’t receive them. SO. that’s fantastic. 🤯

    But it’s sunny outside! And going to be more than 50 degrees. And a couple of my co-workers are on vacation this week so my office is blessedly quiet. And I didn’t yell at the IT guy on the phone who really has nothing to do with the problem. And I made a really good cold coffee at home to bring into work today. All is well.

    One more thought – it’s shocking how much the sun being out can help my mental fortitude.

    No question. Just the end. Happy Monday everyone.

    1. Every year I am caught off guard by how GOOD I feel on these first nice days. Like, throw-my-SSRIs- away good (joking of course). My wife and I are seriously talking about moving somewhere with better weather.

      1. Yes, I think my mental health would be so much better if I lived somewhere sunny and decently warm year round!

      2. I could have read this, P&B (and literally have said the same thing many times). Esp living in the midwest in an area with cruddy winters, it’s amazing how my mood is different when it’s just sunny and not terrible outside!

    2. Same. I feel like I’m coming out of a mental fog this time of year and I’ve decided that in addition to my sun lamp, I need to plan/budget for a week away in someplace sunny next winter for my mental health. Even WITH the sun lamp and medication I still feel like I’m constantly on a 20% deficit all winter long. Yay spring!!

      1. Agreed! I tried to do the whole sun lamp and vitamin d thing this year way more than in the past, and while it’s better – a trip is maybe a popular cure for a reason.

    3. Even though I am a life-long night owl, I too need sunny days to not turn into a gremlin. I always start to feel energized as it gets dark, but the sunset after a nice day is much more potent than the sunset after a gray day.

      1. That’s so interesting! I wouldn’t have guessed that it worked that way for night-owls, but it does make sense – we need sun!

    4. Hypothetically, what did you do so that you can’t receive emails? Because a holiday from emails sounds like my dream right now.

      1. LOL I know, I’m kind of trying to embrace it a little – except IT assured me that the emails are all there, just sitting on their server, waiting to come to my inbox when the update is done. Sooooo that’s kind of like pending doom.

        But in the meantime, to get what I have now: pick a bad email server/domain service! That plans 24-48 hour updates (that may take longer) to start on a Friday afternoon, takes the weekend off, and then has an entire “pod” of emails down still on Monday morning.

        Our company is actually in the active stages of moving all of our domains/email service to a more robust server because the existing one has been god-awful for years.

    5. Don’t congratulate yourself for not yelling at the innocent IT guy, lol. That’s really the bare minimum for being a decent human being.

      1. of course you’re correct. I, however, will be taking the win anyway, thanks. Sometimes we get points for being decent human beings in frustrating situations.

          1. I feel like you get more points for not yelling at the IT guy than for coming on here and giving lectures about other people’s behavior.

        1. Hi I’m with Bonnie Kate on this one. Also if I remember correctly she is from the upper Midwest so her version of freaking out on IT is probably not apologizing profusely for needing them.

          1. Bahahahaha you are remembering right, and yes you are also right on your last point as well.

            Thanks Curious! :D

  10. I’m staying in an aggressively hip corporate hotel and it is sensory overload. Like a home goods shopping spree. There are 14 pieces of art above my bed and the Californian in me cannot with these earthquake hazards. Corporate interior decorators – go for serene rather than cool.

    1. I once checked in to a hotel that was a renovated prison from the 1800s. The nightstand was a safe, the wall art was antique-looking keys in a shadowbox, and there was a throw pillow with tick marks on it like a prisoner would use to count the days. The escape room vibe was so creepy that I checked out immediately and switched to another hotel.

      1. There is a place like that in London and it looks horrific. Like are we just ignoring the problems of mass incarceration? People get MARRIED there.

        1. What was really ironic is that a lot of my job involves working with public defenders. So in addition to being creepy it was pretty offensive.

      2. Ha! Was this the Liberty hotel in Boston by any chance? I actually love that hotel and my son (who was younger) got a huge kick out of the antique prison vibe.
        I totally get your frustration though, I clearly recall a W hotel in downtown Chicago I was staying at for work which had not a single overhead light, and all the lamps were either red or purple? I felt like I was in a bordello and to top if off the lobby blasted LOUD music 24/7 which was not helpful to my mood when I was leaving at 7:30 to make my morning meetings.

          1. Oh I couldn’t get out of there fast enough! I switched to the Whitney, same neighborhood and better location actually, and just pretty rooms with no ghosts.

      3. OMG what???? I could not. Being in prison is not a joke. I would have checked out also.

    2. I completely agree about things over the bed. Just seeing it in a movie makes me uncomfortable!

  11. Does anyone else feel like they’ve lost stamina for life things over the last two years? I look back on what I used to do before the pandemic (morning exercise, getting dressed, commuting, working a full day with no relaxing home distractions, etc.) and cannot fathom doing that again, but I want to get back to being busier. I’ve just gotten lazy and while it feels good in the moment it does not feel satisfying long term. Anyone else struggling with getting back into a higher gear after two weird years? What’s worked for you?

    1. Yes, but I just haven’t gone back to everything. I have 3 kids and they’re back to all their activities, school, playdates etc., so that is definitely enough busy-ness for now! I have gone into the office a few times and now know to plan a call-heavy (rather than concentration-heavy) day for the day after since I will be tired from having gone in. Probably looking at going in once or twice a month going forward. Compared to pre-covid, I am still getting more sleep, maintaining a better-for-me weight, cooking more from scratch, not getting colds, etc., so I am not looking to go back to the frenetic pace of 2019.

    2. Yes, you’re definitely not the only one.

      I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’ve accepted that it’s going to be uncomfortable at first.

    3. Oh completely, but the only thing that works is doing it again. It’s like exercising a muscle.

      1. +1
        I’m starting with baby steps – but have found the days I’m in the office are either 100% unproductive (lots of folks in, everyone is chatty) or 100% productive (going in on a Monday or Friday when like no one else is there). There is no middle ground.

    4. I think I’m just broken now. Can’t get things done the way I used to, my mental acuity and memory are trash. I have all these goals, but I just can’t find a way to meet them. I shouldn’t have to choose between maintaining good health, earning a promotion, and making headway on my personal creative projects, but…something has to give. I don’t have an answer. I wish I did.

      1. Had I known that our schools wouldn’t reopen for 18 months, I’d have taken leave without pay and moved somewhere with functioning schools and then tried to work reduced hours from 9-4 or whatever. I think I have PTSD from not knowing from week to week if I’d be a 100% contributor or 0% or trying to kill myself to get some mandatory work tasks done. It wasn’t work’s fault at all, but it was just hell (and I need to work to keep a roof over my head).

    5. I don’t think I’ve lost stamina; I think the pace of work has increased exponentially. I am no longer wasting 2 hours out of every day commuting to the office or traveling 25% of the time, but I now have more than twice as much work as I did before the pandemic. Instead of two or three in-person meetings a week, I now have at least three or four Zoom meetings a day, which are much more exhausting. With big meetings, I used to spend a few days prepping. Then I’d travel for the meeting and would get to focus just on the meeting the during the entire trip, within minimal responses to e-mail and no other meetings. Then I’d spend a few days following up on the action items. Now I get a couple of hours to prep for those same types of meetings, I have to cram the huge meeting in between several others, I don’t get any follow-up time, and I get criticized for not responding to e-mail immediately during a meeting that I’m running. I’m completely exhausted.

      1. My own work has been okay, but my partner’s been putting in 55 billable hours per week and seems to be in WFH Zoom meetings half the day. I feel like I shouldn’t complain as the one whose job hasn’t changed, but this is also no way to live. (Obviously they’re overcommitted/understaffed/staffed with too many people who seem to be completely AWOL half the time, but when will it end?) I feel awful for everyone whose jobs have expanded this way.

      2. Yes, this. I am a senior leader in a large corporation and feel like the pace has become a frenzy. Yes I’m saving commute time but the extra work and increased expectations are eating that up times 3. Add the past two years’ mental stress of young kids school and care, essential worker spouse, and loved ones sick and passed, and it’s no wonder I’m depleted at the end of the day.

        I think for me, work is going to be the thing that gives. Although I’ve been ambitious and driven my entire life, I’m thinking of stepping back from leadership and trying to find a role with more reasonable hours and less responsibility. I never thought I would say that, but this pace isn’t sustainable and I don’t want my personal life to pay the price. It’s not necessarily that my priorities have shifted, but that work is now asking for so much more of my life that I’ve hit my boundary.

      3. This is true. In the Before Times I’d have a couple of in-person meetings a day, but you’d travel to the conference room or building, or sometimes across town – you do some pre-meeting chit chat, you’d have the meeting then chit-chat some more, then you’d travel back.

        Today I have 7 Teams meetings and it’s not even a particularly busy day. Meetings get scheduled in any empty space on my calendar, and it’s not the type of environment where I can block ‘focus time’ or ‘work time’ to do anything that isn’t a meeting. I’m getting up at 5 to prep for all the meetings every day, knowing I’ll have very few breaks in between moving from one thing to the next. Exhausting, without and of the levity of informal, not strictly work-related human interactions.

    6. I have definitely felt this throughout the pandemic but then I remember we were much less emotionally taxed pre covid. We weren’t worried about getting sick, our family’s health, working from home etc. It was much less stressful pre covid and we could do more enjoyable things without the worry so it feels like a good trade off to staying home and being lazy.

    7. For me, it’s not that I’ve gotten lazier, it’s that my priorities have changed. I am def work to live, not live to work now.

      1. I consider it a sign of growth that I’m no longer willing to knock myself at work the way I used to. Like, I’m going to do a good job, but I’m also going to push back against unreasonable deadlines OR do the work I can do in that time period without working a bunch of hours to make it perfect. Nope. Not doing it anymore.

      2. This. I think we will find that a lot of us are different people now. Can’t (and don’t want to) go back to who we were – that world doesn’t exist anymore (this is a positive change for me!). I’m working on figuring out what I want my new life to look like long-term.

    8. You have to work up to it. I don’t think it’s good, for long-term well-being, to continue being so isolated and never leaving the house.

    9. I do wonder how I managed to do 5 days per week of commute/work/childcare… but I also recognize that I used to have more childcare and it was more consistent… I also wasn’t expected to be as after hours available as I am now.

    10. Yes. I used to leave the house around 8 in the morning and most days not come home until after 7-7:30. I’d go to the gym twice a week, or run errands, ballet once or twice a week, out with friends… I’d like to get back to some of that, and the person who said the only way to get back in the swing is to do it, and they are absolutely right but my, the activation energy needed is huge!

      We start back this week, most of us plan on going in 2 days a week and my brain is already hamster-wheeling over the logistics – need to bring a lunch, maybe coffee because it’s not clear if our cafeteria will be open and there’s nowhere to eat within easy walking distance; make sure my car has gas; make sure laptop and charger are packed; and I have to wear shoes and a bra all day, OMG.

    11. In the before times I prioritized buying a home so I’d have a 10-minute commute, kids were in a great daycare, I’d built up a professional work wardrobe that I felt confident and powerful in … a lot of my identity was wrapped up in being someone who had figured out the whole professional working mom thing. I was at the top of a male-dominated field and holding my own.

      I really miss it. I’m still mourning the fact that it’s never going back to the way it was. I feel much less satisfied in my life than I did before – but it makes me feel like a grumpy old person. “Back in my day, I was promoted the executive level and I actually had to get dressed and get the kids out the door before starting to work! You young whippersnappers have it easy, what with your ‘boss doesn’t mind kids in he background’ and ‘leggings are work pants’ wardrobe … “

  12. Does everyone need to see an eye doctor regularly? I don’t wear glasses and am not having any noticeable eye issues. I’ve never been to an eye doctor though and am wondering if that’s something I should be doing. I’d rather not go (bc who wants another doctors appointment) but I want to make sure I’m doing the right preventative things. I’m mid-30s.

    1. my dad is an ophthalmologist and when you are under 40 you should go every couple of years, but once over 40 your risk for certain eye related things increases and so you should visit annually. I am 36 and last went when I was 32, making me think i’m due for another checkup when I visit him this summer.

      1. And if you have diabetes you should probably see them annually.

        Also, I’d probably try to get an appt with a general ophthalmologist if you don’t have underlying issues and just want a checkup. Specialists like retina surgeons can have notoriously bad wait times (like…of the 2+ hour variety) and you’ll get pushed back if they have an emergency surgery etc etc.

        Wishing everyone healthy eyeballs!

    2. A basic eye exam is only like 15 minutes and likely “free” with your health insurance. Might as well go just to check and also then you have a baseline for any future changes.

      1. FYI, an ophthalmology visit is quite pricey. $150-200+ easy – they are surgical sub specialists. That’s in network rate for me, and many (most?) of us have high deductible plans and pay it all. Unfortunately it is not a covered 100% outside of the deductible preventative service. Not saying it isn’t a great idea to have your pressures etc… checked periodically. But an optometrist may be a good option too for those of us with $ issues.

    3. I go to an optician every two years (it was every year when I was a kid) for a basic eye test. I say every two years, there’s a gap in the last couple of years for obvious reasons, but that’s the standard schedule.

    4. Not having blurry vision doesn’t mean you don’t need care, so definitely make an appointment. I get quarterly scans because I have moles on my retinas. I would have had no way of knowing that on my own.

      1. I agree with this. At least go once every few years. They do additional tests jus to make sure everything is ok.

    5. I think it’s good to go and get a baseline for how things are. Then if something comes up, the doctor’s will have a way to measure the changes. A basic exam is usually covered under insurance. I wear contacts so I go every year. But I’ve also learned I have some risk for glaucoma so I go every year to see if there are any issues.

    6. Definitely get your eyes checked annually or every other year. They can catch things early that can be a problem down the road if left untreated. If there’s a Target Optical in your area you can tack it on to another errand.

      1. FYI your RX is good for a year. You can order a years worth of contacts and then in 10 months order another years worth. That’s what I did during the pandemic and just had my first eye exam since covid.

    7. I wear glasses and contacts and go as infrequently as I can – contacts require a recent prescription, so that usually drags me in there at least every two years or so. If I didn’t, I think I would go every 5-7 years, or for noticeable issues. I’m in my mid-30s.

    8. I do wear contacts so I must go every year, but I’d recommend going even if you aren’t having issues. My eye doctor has this machine (I don’t know what the actual name is) that takes a very in depth scan of your eye and they compare to the previous year. It helps “see” if anything is happening below the surface of your eye. Having something go wrong with my eyesight that was preventable is one of my biggest fears though, so I do tend to be on the very risk averse side with my eye health.

    9. Your age ish. I go annually because I need to, but I recently learned that (in addition to the cadence listed above), it’s also good to get your eyes checked after having a baby! I don’t know if this is a reality for you, but apparently pregnancy can affect vision permanently.

    10. If you have asthma or diabetes you need checks. If you have glaucoma in your family history, or don’t know your bio family history, it’s good to have checks.

      It can be a good idea to have had a “want contacts” level of check as a baseline. That’s normally both pressure and imaging of the blood vessels.

  13. It is now a crime for a doctor to provide gender affirming treatment to people under the age of 19 in Alabama. Why do these lawmakers think they know more than the actual medical professionals? also, how does it have impact on anyone else what an individual does to his/her own body. i wish lawmakers would focus their time/energy on actual issues instead of creating them

    1. Just so I’m clear, is it just the surgery for minors that this affects? Like a dentist can still call someone “Jane” if the birth certificate name is “John”?

      1. I would assume it applies to hormonal treatments too.

        Aside from the obvious absurdity, it seems like a slippery slope. Will doctors be prohibited from prescribing hormonal BC too?

          1. If you are a trans man, you may want hormonal BC to avoid pregnancy because pregnancy you find that pregnancy would be gender-disaffirming for you (not saying this is true for everyone but it’s not a stretch to see how BC can be gender-affirming for some people).

          2. I have always hated my periods. I get horribly heavy and painful periods and they used to make me hate that I was growing into a woman when I was a teenager. Continuous BC meant I barely had to deal with them for almost ten years (plus in the summer holidays of high school) and could enjoy being myself.

        1. The whole thing is horrible, and that angle is dystopian and probably the case. Good grief to the world today.

      2. It’s the hormone blockers (and potentially counselling??) that are the big thing here – almost no one is performing surgery on minors.

        1. Would insurance even cover that? I wonder if this even happens except for kids of rich people (vs kids generally). I just feel trolled by all this.

    2. Yet girls in my high school were getting nose jobs at 14. People might think it’s inadvisable but no one is up in arms proposing legislation to stop it (afaik).

      1. Likewise I had hormonal BC at 14 to stop my periods for summer holidays. What is that but gender related healthcare?

        1. My kids would so love this. Is this a thing in 2022? One kid has horrid cramps (my genes) and one has 10-day long periods (also my genes). They would give a kidney to skip periods.

        2. Gender related and gender affirming are not the same. And the bill specifically states what it prohibits, rather than generally referencing gender-related or gender-affirming care. You can find the text by searching for Alabama Senate Bill 184.

          I think it s*cks but it’s important to be precise about what it does.

      2. I can see that a kid would not emotionally handle a difficult nose well (I didn’t UNTIL I moved to an area where women were more “striking” than “pretty” and the striking women got a lot of positive attention. It was helpful to see that Barbra Streisand didn’t get a nose job. Jennifer Gray hadn’t had her nose job yet and I’m glad I didn’t get one. I can’t imagine dealing something more than a nose, but that is just an age of turmoil and I so wish we could invent a fast-forward button for it. [It wouldn’t have mattered for me since my parents could not have afforded a nose job, one parent thought I was lovely as I was, and the other parent has the exact same nose.]

        1. I would never let a 14-year-old have a nose job simply because they aren’t done growing yet.

          1. Nose jobs on teens are very common. Parents consent. FWIW, you can def be done growing at 14 – I had other surgery as a teen and they x-ray you to see if your bones are done or not!

        2. I hear your point but I don’t think this is an appropriate parallel to draw. A nose is something that is part of your body that you might have feelings about because of what society deems visually attractive about noses. Gender-affirming care is about your identity, your internal self not aligning with your physical self. It’s not that the person needing gender-affirming care thinks their body isn’t attractive by society’s standard and so they’re trying to fix it to meet that standard. It’s that their body doesn’t fit *THEM*. Even with a societally-approved body it may be contrary to their identity.

          1. I don’t think you understand how much some of us can hate the bodies we are born with (in a way that is not related to our gender identity) and try things that come awfully close to self-mutilation to “fix” this.

          2. That’s kind of the point. Gender affirming treatment is critical for many kids’ survival, but they shouldn’t be allowed to do it because what, we don’t trust kids and parents and doctors to make the best decision for them? Yet something purely cosmetic – and permanent – like a nose job is no problem?

          3. Except that you dismiss the nose example. It’s likely of the same importance to the person with one they wish to alter. In both cases, it’s a functioning non-diseased body part. It causes emotional distress. The owner wants to alter / remove it.

    3. This wave of cruelty and hatred towards tr@ns folks is terrifying and exhausting. I only see it getting worse, not better, for the near future.

      1. If I were to presume good intentions, I would wonder if pausing until 18 and ensuring very good mental health care until then wasn’t somewhat beneficial (or at least not hateful or intended to be cruel). I don’t hear anyone opposing any of this for adults. I would not want to be a child of parents where one is on one side of this and another is on the other side and have any sort of vanilla identity. Even without laws like this, that is an awful place for any kid to be.

        1. That’s exactly what the blockers are intended for – to pause things so that the kid doesn’t have to go through a traumatic puberty that doesn’t match their identity. I wonder if more widespread use of them for teenagers should help with the sports question too as athletes won’t have had the ‘wrong puberty’ for the gender they compete as

          1. Supportive mental health falls under “gender affirming care” as well. So there’s no “pause with good counseling,” there’s nothing.

          2. I think the problem is that there’s starting to be more and more research saying that the blockers can cause harm – eliminating future fertility, stunting growth (and thus causing bone issues), etc. I agree laws like this are horrible, but I generally fall on the side of understanding where people who have questions about gender affirming care at such a young age come from. Cut your hair, wear a dress – live as your chosen identity – 0 issues with that. Make potentially permanent changes to your body? Yeah, that I have some concerns with. As do quite a few western european countries these days.

          3. You can’t “pause puberty” without long term physical and psychological repercussions.

          4. Anon at 2:19, would love a source for this. Blockers are often used to treat precocious puberty (ages 8 to 11).

        2. Ribena’s right – hormone blockers shield trans kids from dysphoria at puberty (which sucks enough when you’re cisgender).

          But I don’t assume good intentions. They want to make it so awful to be trans that kids will leave, or they’ll kill themselves, or they’ll be closeted and miserable. The cruelty is the point.

          1. +100. I also don’t assume good intentions when lawmakers want to prevent women from getting abortions.

        3. If you don’t hear any of opposing this for adults you’re willfully ignorant and should be better.

    4. If kids are under the age of consent for s**ual activity before 18 then I do believe they are not at the right age to make potentially irreversible decisions about their gender. Bones growing or not, their prefrontal cortex hasn’t finished growing. This is why this is not about letting an individual do something to their own body, it’s about letting kids make decisions they may regret later.

      1. Gillick competence applies regardless of the ‘size’ of the healthcare thing though, in jurisdictions that have it.

      2. But it’s not like trans kids are just rolling up to CVS and buying hormones blockers! Treatments for transgender people are carefully monitored by therapists and medical doctors. I personally think decisions about medical treatments should be mostly left to professionals in the medical community, not politicians who are seeking to score political points by being cruel to a powerless group.

    5. Anyone know anything about the blockers some kids are given to delay puberty so they’ll reach a taller adult height? Would those treatments be impacted?

      1. I doubt it, though insurance companies try hard to deny treatment to SGA kids in general.

  14. I’m planning a trip to Ithaca this fall, and I’ve just learned that the weekend we are looking at in late October is Cornell’s homecoming weekend. Any Cornell alums on here? Will this be a bad weekend to go? We are leaving the kids at home with a babysitter, so I am not sure if we will have luck coordinating a different weekend.

    1. If you don’t want to celebrate homecoming, I would not go to a college town on Homecoming weekend. It will be insanely crowded and hotels will be super expensive.

      1. +1 – college towns aren’t big enough to have a non-homecoming vacation in the middle of homecoming.

    2. I wouldn’t assume it will be terrible if you’re just visiting the Finger Lakes region generally- do you already have hotel reservations? I can’t say for sure about Cornell, but I went to Dartmouth and I don’t think there are that many alumni that return for the weekend, so while it’s busier than normal and hotel rooms are booked because the town is tiny and has very limited space, I don’t think it would be a terrible time to visit the general area- it’s peak fall color time which attracts a lot more people than Homecoming does.

      1. +1000. October is a nice time time visit if it’s not snowing already though.

    3. It’s not one of the intense homecoming schools like the Big 10 or some others I’ve seen but it will be very crowded. It’s a small town so you will have trouble getting hotel/AirBNB/dinner reservations and walking into restaurants. Probably depends on what you are planning to do while there!

      Eat at Moosewood if you have time!!

    4. Crisis averted as I’ve realized that Google was showing me the homecoming dates for Cornell College (in Iowa), not Cornell University in Ithaca.

      While I’m here, I’d love any recommendations for hikes, wineries & food in the Ithaca/Finger Lakes area!

      1. Enjoy your trip OP! Buttermilk falls is a fun/pretty hike in the fall, or try Watkins Glen if you’re up for a drive.

      2. As a native Iowan this amused me :) Enjoy your trip! My husband went to Cornell but I’ve never managed to make it to Ithaca. I would love to visit some time, it’s supposed to be a very pretty area.

  15. Pear/curvy ladies, where are you having luck finding pants (other than jeans) lately? I feel like anytime I find pants that fit my hips/butt they are gaping at the waste and too loose through the leg. I’m usually a size 6 in dresses or skirts but I feel like a need to go up to a 10 to find pants that aren’t too tight in that area!

    1. I asked this question recently and was told Old Navy or Talbots, but the options at both places just look so frumpy on my body (and both have fabric that bags out after a few hours, so tailoring isn’t the answer). I wish jeans manufacturers would branch out into non-denim options.

    2. Higher rise waists mean that the waist is smaller (because most of us get a little smaller as you move from hips to ribs) so it’s not surprising to go up a size. I’m pretty solidly a 6 at Loft, bought a pair of higher rise pants from their Lou and Grey line and had to go up to a 10. And it’s a little snug!

      I think Loft curvy fit pants generally work well. I also got a pair from J Crew a factory (called pintuck sweats, something like that, but they look like regular pants, not sweats) that fit well. The waist is elastic, but doesn’t pucker, and the legs are not skintight, but not huge, either.

    3. I have the same body shape and the high-waisted Madewell jeans that I bought recently are the closest thing to perfect that I’ve found. They have loosened over the two months that I’ve had them so next time I would size down. There is minor gaping at the waist still, but not so bad as pretty much all other brands that I’ve tried.

  16. Dreading writing this but here goes. My husband is mostly an awesome dad and partner. We have two kids and spend a ton of time arranging our schedules so we both have time to do what needs to get done. Here’s what’s bothering me: he likes to nap. He’s wfh today and napping right now. Yesterday I spent an hour and a half alone with the kids while he napped. A few days a weeks he commutes via train and naps on the train.

    Here’s the thing: we have a fundamental disagreement as to whether this is normal or healthy. Or rather, I have been told at least a million times that a daily nap is normal and healthy but it just… frustrates me? I dont totally understand why he can’t just go to bed earlier. I don’t nap unless I’m ill or I really didn’t sleep the night before. I don’t understand why healthy grownups need to stay up past midnight and then nap during the day. In any event, I am resentful of the weekend time he spends napping but I feel like if he needed to exercise or even grab a beer with a friend (we both make time for each other to do these things) I’d be fine with it. It’s not the time I guess it’s that why is an otherwise capable person unable to sleep while the kids sleep and make our lives easier? Is this even worth talking about? Or do I just let it go?

    1. I think you’re mostly in the wrong here. You shouldn’t care about his napping on the train or during the workday since it doesn’t affect you. If the weekend naps are putting too much kid responsibility on you plate, then I think it’s fair to talk to him but it should be framed as “I was with the kids for two hours on Saturday; I’d like you to take the kids for two hours on Sunday so I have time to myself.” The judgment about the naps themselves is misplaced. I know lots of adults who nap, me included. Even if napping was very weird, it’s not harming anyone, and I think you need to move past your judgment about it.

        1. If that’s true, I agree, but she didn’t say anything in her post about him having to work late because of his nap. Lots of people I know, including me, carve an hour out of the WFH day for exercising without working later. I figure it’s the lunch hour that I had when I worked in an office. If he chooses to use his hour for napping instead of exercising, who care? OP admits exercise wouldn’t bother her so the issue is the nap itself, not his schedule. She also doesn’t specify how long the workday nap is. Some people (my mom is one of them) can get very recharged by a 15 minute micro nap.

      1. I agree with this. Unless he has a health issue, there’s nothing wrong with napping. It almost sounds silly and as though you are just resentful for no actual valid reason. If you need help with the kids or some household chore that’s one thing. The napping in and off itself, come on.

      2. I think she answered that though by saying if he was with friends, she wouldn’t be bothered by the time spent away. To me, this is back off and let husband do his thing.

    2. I think you have a lot of work to do here. On yourself exclusively. He’s not doing anything wrong. You need to unlearn toxic productivity. Who hurt you? Why do you need to be this controlling? If this is bothering you so much get therapy before you inflict this further on your family.

    3. Not normal for adults to nap during the day. He needs to go to bed earlier. If he still feels the need to nap or nods off easily when he’s getting 8 hours of sleep a night, then he needs a sleep study.

      1. This is not true. 8 hours is just an average. Some people need less, some people need more. My sleep needs are more like 9-9.5 hours per day, which I often meet with 7.5-8 hours at night and a 1-2 hour nap. My doctor sees nothing wrong with this and all my labs suggest I’m healthy.

      2. Aren’t there cultures that structure their days around most people taking a rest during midday? At any rate, I know lots of healthy adults who nap, and a cursory internet search indicates this is not unusual or harmful. I’m open to sources that show it is, though, if you can point me there.

          1. Just because the US isn’t structured this way doesn’t mean that napping is “not normal” when a large number of adults all over the world apparently find a midday rest to be important.

          2. OP asked whether it is ‘normal or healthy’, so I think many answers comment on that part. I thought the US society is structured around personal freedom to do whatever you want.

        1. Yes. It’s still a sensitive topic because a lot of cultures that nap were declared lazy and genetically (and sometimes religiously) inferior not that long ago by “experts” from cultures where napping isn’t a norm (usually because of shorter and cooler days in northern latitudes). “They won’t even stay awake all day unless someone makes them! Clearly they need colonial/imperial oversight by more responsible and productive Northern Europeans.” So not wanting or needing to nap seen a mark of better breeding and better moral character vs. the sloth/laziness/indolence of people who nap.

      3. I doubt he gets 8 hours of sleep if he goes to bed at midnight. I nap because I can never get enough sleep at night. I’m asleep by 10 but my cats or my husband wake me up between 4 and 5 most days. My husband is at least partially responsible for my lack of sleep, so I’d be pretty salty if he complained about me napping. We don’t have kids, though, so, it seems like the real issue is allocating child care fairly.

    4. This sounds normal for him, so it wouldn’t raise any health flags in my world. I also don’t nap much, but I know other adults who do.

      If it were an issue that he wasn’t supportive or pulling his weight st home, I think you should talk about that and come up with a solution. But it sounds like he’s an otherwise good partner and you’re annoyed by an innocuous activity he does in his free time.

      I’d let this go in your shoes!

        1. +1! It’s so weird to me that people think there’s inherently something unhealthy about this. The human body is not designed to sleep 8 hours straight. It’s something that we do because we have to work all day. There’s nothing weird or unnatural about breaking your sleep into two or more chunks per day, and it definitely doesn’t mean you have sleep apnea or a similar problem.

      1. I agree this is something to consider, although it’s possible his napping is normal. Inability to stay awake during the day is a sign of sleep apnea, which is bad because it puts a person at risk for various health problems. If he snores that’s another indication that apnea could be an issue.

    5. Haha, you’re me but my bete noire is my husband’s phone games? I see his phone flip to landscape and just cringe! It’s not a significant amount of time/doesn’t impact me in substantive ways but I’m convinced he’s rotting his brain.
      I think you have to ignore the workday / train napping and focus on things that actually impact you.

    6. You don’t feel like he’s doing his fair share of parenting duties. Get that equalized, then see if the napping actually truly bothers you.

      1. I think it’s pretty clear from her post that the napping really bothers her. It actually doesn’t sound to me like she thinks there’s an unfair division of parenting labor. She just thinks he “shouldn’t” be napping. “I feel like if he needed to exercise or even grab a beer with a friend (we both make time for each other to do these things) I’d be fine with it.”

          1. True, but sometimes we fixate on thing X when need Y isn’t being met. My husband’s puttering drives me crazy if I haven’t taken my needed nap. If I have napped — putter away!

    7. My husband and I both take naps when we can and we are significantly better off for it. Much like kids(!), a nap can help with emotional regulation and intellectually intensive work. You can search for tons of articles about historically important people/CEOs who swear by naps.

      Saying you “don’t totally understand” why he can’t just sleep at night is unfair to him, as it puts the onus on him to convince you that he is built the way he is. You can’t explain your way out of his needing a nap, and neither can random people on the internet. Think of it this way – if you frequently needed bathroom breaks on car trips, would you appreciate him telling you that you don’t really need them and that needing bathroom breaks makes you an incapable person?

      Resentment is the graveyard of relationships.

    8. Oh honey, let it go. Unless you want an opinion on all the things you do. Let people be themselves and spend their free time as they wish. BRB, going to take a nap myself . . .

    9. I encouraged my spouse to get a sleep study when he was napping despite already getting a full night of sleep. He had really bad sleep apnea on the sleep study. Now he adores his CPAP machine. So I would let this go if nothing is wrong, but I wouldn’t assume that nothing was wrong either? Another friend recently found out their thyroid dose was too low, and they haven’t been nearly as fond of napping since it was adjusted.

      But if he’s staying up late and waking up early, and naps are just part of how he gets his full sleep requirements, that’s a siesta schedule, and yeah, I think it’s considered healthy and normal. It’s also the only way some people can get adequate sleep if their circadian rhythm is later than average. A late circadian rhythm can be natural, non-pathological, and non-alterable, but sometimes it’s environmental: A sleep neurologist may suggest red-shifting the light on devices like phones, TVs, computer screens, etc. to make sure that the circadian rhythm isn’t being affected by blue light after nightfall. Some people seem to be way more sensitive to blue light than others.

      1. I agree with you, but also, he’s an adult. For me, I would not adore a CPAP and would be much happier continuing on with a nap schedule over that. Or maybe I could be convinced otherwise, but it’s my decision. Not my husband’s. I’m his wife, not his child. Now flip that, and OP you have your answer.

        1. I have a lot more experience with CPAPs and with interacting with doctors since my partner’s family didn’t have amazing healthcare access growing up (and had pretty good health so they haven’t had to learn lots of medical stuff perforce.) We’re also both part of a culture where men are still discouraged from complaining about anything physical by default, and I’m more immediately concerned about him suffering ill health as a result than I am about resocializing society into healthier gender roles. So I really don’t resent giving tips on when to see a doctor and what to mention. It’s not my experience that doctor’s appointments are effective by default for anyone; they don’t reliably ask about certain things unless we volunteer the information!

          And everyone hates a CPAP machine at first (it’s clunky and awkward, though designs have improved radically over the course of my life). But the cardiovascular and cognitive benefits of CPAP when needed can be tremendous, and our bodies love oxygen enough that a lot of people discover, after giving it a chance for a few weeks, that they don’t feel right without it anymore. (I think this is a common thing with broadly defined prosthetics in general? For me even something as simple as “eyeglasses” or “contacts” would be too unpleasant to wear if it weren’t helping me enough that my body eventually glosses over the discomfort and reprocesses it as tolerable or even preferable.)

          1. Perhaps, I’m not arguing that point, I’m just saying it is up to the husband to decide what he wants to get treated for, not the OP.

          2. LOTS of people who could benefit from a CPAP don’t know that they need one, and compensate in many ways for it, including napping.

    10. I understand why it’s frustrating but I think you need to let this go. If I were struggling to take care of the kids and house and do all the things and my partner was just lounging/napping/being useless, I would be pretty resentful. I would also be upset if my husband didn’t come to bed with me; if he preferred the company of his PlayStation or whatever to sleepy snuggle time with me, his wife. Idk if that has anything to do with what you’re feeling, but if it does then I suggest you address it separately.

      All that said, there is very little you can or should try to control about another adult’s habits. It’s super hard to change your sleep patterns. Getting him to do something hard that he doesn’t want to do is a losing proposition. You’re going to endlessly beat your head against a wall and it will create more resentment. You say he is a great partner and father otherwise; give him some grace on this imperfection. Have you talked to him about getting an hour or so of free time on your own too?

    11. Is part of it that, in your view, a nap is “doing nothing” and capable grown-ups shouldn’t waste their time “doing nothing” while other grown-ups are “doing work” (taking care of kids)? A capable grown-up would use his free time to DO something productive and healthy, like exercising or going out with friends? A capable grown-up wouldn’t stay up past midnight doing who-knows-what and then make up for the lack of sleep the next day. He would be living like a grown-up, capable man and not like a grown-up teenager?

      Separate out your resentments over being stuck with the kids, your perceptions of what a capable grown-up SHOULD be doing in order to be worthwhile and productive, and your questions about how he’s managing his time (staying up past midnight) and energy levels. Then look at those different areas and see what you actually need to a) adjust in your own thinking or b) talk with him about or c) rework as a family.

    12. You have such an incredible amount of judgment about naps that it makes me think this isn’t really about naps. It seems like you are mostly annoyed when your husband naps on the weekend instead of spending time with your family/helping around the house. It also sounds like your fun time is imbalanced because he can see friends/do hobbies/take naps but you only see friends/do hobbies. I would address those issues versus the naps themselves.

      I’ve had this discussion with my friends about video games. My husband loves video games and makes time for it but it doesn’t otherwise interfere with our lives. Many of my friends object to their husbands playing video games on principle because they think they are something men should grow out of and a sign of being irresponsible. I view them as just another hobby.

      Also, for what it’s worth, I am a big nap person because for me it’s basically meditation – I quiet my thoughts for 10-15 minutes and I find it so relaxing I take a brief nap afterwards. It really helps me mentally recharge.

    13. I understand what you’re saying. My husband has an extremely wonky sleep schedule that he has had a sleep study for and visited a neurologist and a sleep specialist about: He only sleeps about 5-6 hours a night, from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m. (cannot go to sleep before 11 p.m. and it’s usually closer to midnight; cannot wake up later than 5) and then naps every afternoon for an hour. Apparently his dad and grandfather were also like this; my husband grew up with his mom so would not have picked up on their sleep patterns by following their habits, so this is likely some kind of genetic thing. (My MIL told me his dad’s sleep schedule drove her crazy during their marriage.) My husband has tried melatonin, Ambien, self-hypnosis, meditation, sleep apps, etc. to sleep longer at night so he won’t need a nap during the day, and nothing worked. Even with blackout shades in our bedroom that enable us to make the room as dark as night in the middle of the day, he wakes up at 5; we also tried covering up all the small lights from clocks, TVs, etc. and that didn’t help. When our kid was old enough not to be napping himself, but not old enough to be left unsupervised, I had the same resentment about having to be the sole childcare provider while my husband napped. But he got older and I was able to do things during that hour that I wanted to do, and the resentment lessened.

      I do think it is worth your husband talking to his doctor about this, just to make sure there’s nothing else going on. In the sleep study, my husband was found not to have apnea and that the short time he does spend in sleep, he sleeps very, very deeply. I also had a sleep study (they were investigating my teeth-grinding) and while I sleep for longer, I don’t go into nearly the level of deep sleep my husband does, for as long as he does. Some people are just wired differently, and if that’s your husband, there’s not much he can do about it. Chemically messing with his sleep with the Ambien did not work for my husband – it made him feel wired and jittery all day – and the melatonin did nothing. He doesn’t have what people think of as insomnia; he can go to sleep (and stay asleep) just fine when his brain tells him to go to sleep. It’s just that that doesn’t happen until late at night, and then at 5 a.m. his brain wakes him up.

      I feel your frustration and I wish I had better advice for you. I hope you can come to some kind of equilibrium with this.

    14. I’d encourage you to think about chunks of time – if he gets 2hrs (or whatever) on a weekend sans kids, then so do you. Work with him to make sure you have the same opportunities to disconnect as he does. Separate out whether or not you think he ‘should’ be napping. I nap frequently but also have migraines and a chronic illness (but I ‘look’ healthy) so it’s hard for people to get why I need the extra rest. Also some people just have higher sleep needs, it’s like your metabolism – hard to reset and you can’t really argue with it.

    15. Have him tested for sleep issues. This was my dad growing up and he was diagnosed with sleep apnea in his 40s. He got a CPAP and it changed his life.

      1. You don’t “have” your husband tested for anything. He’s not your child. You can tell him you’re worried about him and ask him to be tested, but you need to treat him like the adult he is.

      1. Yes. I am the napper in my house and my husband can’t understand that. Let it go, it’s how he chooses to spend his leisure time (over a beer with friends). I would choose a nap over netflix most days.
        You get to have equal leisure and he gets to decide how to spend his leisure time.

    16. Thanks all lots to think about.

      I want to say that he doesn’t have sleep issues he just prefers to stay up late watching tv. I feel resentful because he gets his “me time” at night and shifts the burden of sleep to daytime when he frames the naps as a healthy biological necessity. He wouldn’t ditch me with a crying baby and a cranky kindergartener to go watch tv, but if he needs to nap he will. It doesn’t bother me that he naps during weekdays except that his sleep schedule is just so entrenched, I wish he would at least try going to bed at 11 or so but he naps so he says he can’t. None of this was an issue before kids.

      1. Your last sentence is key – “not an issue before kids,” and my advice is try not to make anything more an issue after kids than it needs to be. Kids are enough of an issue already.

      2. Ok, with these additional details it sounds like more of a problem about dividing childcare responsibilities than naps. If you had written this as your OP, I think you would have gotten VERY different responses. I think a lot of people were reacting your judgy remarks about how napping isn’t normal or healthy. It can be. But that’s not the issue. The problem isn’t that he naps, it’s that he’s shirking his childcare responsibilities to do so.

        1. Agreed, this extra context really changes my view. I wonder if a compromise would be that he sticks to his sleep schedule, but also pulls his weight in those late evenings, by packing lunches or meal planning or folding laundry while everyone else is asleep. Something that makes OP’s life easier in the day, so she can let go of her resentment.

          1. Agree. It doesn’t make sense to me that he gets evenings off and then gets weekend naps too. If he’s going to be staying up late and catching up on sleep during the day, he needs to use a chunk of that evening time to be productive.

      3. When he wakes up from his naps, does he take the kids for an hour so you can have uninterrupted chill out time?

      4. Yeah, this is absolutely about him taking “me” time and leaving you with the kids. He’s just time-shifting it so he can disguise it as “necessary” naps.

      5. So it sounds like you see this as a tradeoff of 1.5 hours watching TV at night for 1.5 hours napping during the day time. But you also said you’d be fine if he spent that time exercising or seeing friends. So maybe you should reframe it as, would you be fine if he asked you in the middle of the day on Saturday, “Hey, would you mind handling the kids while I unwind and watch a couple episodes of TV?” How would you respond? That’s probably the way to respond to the nap issue.

        And talk to your spouse about all this, say to him what you said above: I feel like when you stay up late watching TV, you’re shifting your sleep time to when the kids are awake, and that puts a lot on me. Can we agree that when you get up from your nap, I’ll take the same amount of time to myself and you’ll handle the kids? Then you go in the bedroom and shut the door (or leave the house).

        1. This is my thing! I’d be upset if he went upstairs to watch tv alone for an hour and a half if I was with the kids. He doesn’t need to do that of course because he’s capable of watching tv with the kids there. But obviously with the nap he’s completely unable to help.

          We both work really hard to make sure we both get our socializing and exercise in on the weekends. I know an hour or two sounds like a short time but with kids it’s a lot when you factor in other activities and commitments. So yeah, I could go upstairs for a reciprocal amount of time but now we’ve taken 3 hours out of our very short weekend for things we could both do after the kids are asleep. That means an afternoon or morning family outing is off the table because we prioritized tv, and that’s not cool with either of us. So it’s just frustrating to me that the sleeping can’t be done at night.

          1. I do get what you’re saying but it also seems like you and your spouse aren’t on the same page about how to spend weekend time. He sees napping as a reasonable use of weekend downtime, whereas you want to be out doing “outings,” or at the very least doing things that can’t be done at night after the kids are in bed (though why exercise fits into this category and TV watching doesn’t isn’t clear.) This is a separate issue from whether he needs to go to bed earlier so he’s not napping during the day.

            Reading between the lines, it seems like you think your spouse’s preferred pastimes of napping and watching TV are lazy, whereas more active pastimes like socializing, exercising, or going on outings are acceptable. (For example: would you be as annoyed if his late bedtime was due to him being at the gym or out for drinks with friends?) Consider whether that’s the case and if so, whether you and your spouse just have different energy levels, personalities, or preferences of how to spend leisure time. And if so, it seems less like either of you is right or wrong (“it’s not normal to nap as an adult!”) and more like you’re just different and need to find a solution that you’re both satisfied with.

          2. I think you two may have a different perspective on how to spend the weekends. Some parents want the whole time to be family time with both parents “on” together. Other people see the weekends as a chance to trade off most of the day, and then tackle dinner and bedtime together. Sure, he could sleep more at night but maybe he likes napping! Or likes using that as a break from the kids. I definitely agree you two need to be more on the same page about splitting caregiving responsibilities but I don’t think it’s useful or fair to try to control how your partner spends their “off” time.

      6. I think napping itself is not the issue but when he chooses to clock out and leave you with all parental responsibilities, that is when you take action. I.e., when the baby is crying and you have a cranky kindergartener, you wake him up to hand him the baby so you can go deal with the kindergartener. Ignore the naps that don’t impact you, but when his napping impacts you, wake him up to participate in life.

      7. Perhaps the issue is that he’s not giving you reciprocal “me time.” If so, then that would be the issue I’d talk to him about. If he’s napping 2 hours on a Saturday afternoon, then he gets to care for the kids Sunday morning (or whatever) while your read or run or do whatever fills your cup.

        That’s a different issue from napping. If the issue is literally just that he naps and home and on the train, I do still think you have to let that go because it’s not inherently bad or unhealthy.

      8. He didn’t nap before kids, or it wasn’t an issue that he napped?

        If he started napping because of the kids, or more specific, because of the new need to have “me time “and “alone wind-down time”, the solution probably won’t be to deprive him of wind-down-time, but to claim an equally necessary and helpful to you time that he backs and enables.

        Is he introverted, by any chance? I’ve found that my only charging time during the day is when the rest of the family is sleeping and I can be alone and relax and recharge. Not because I don’t like to spend time with them, but because I don’t function if I don’t get alone time as well.

    17. I think your resentment stems from the fact that every day when he naps, he just assumes you’re fine taking care of the kids while he naps. And it’s every day. Would be be fine taking care of the kids if you also decided to start a daily nap habit? Is this about inequity in home labor? If that is what it is, address it as that and not about the nap specifically.

    18. This is a you problem that you need to work on so you don’t resent yourself right out of a happy marriage.

      1. No, it’s a husband problem. He is purposely staying up late to get his own time and then sticking her with the kids while he naps.

        1. Yeah, this is so hard because it seems like the husband isn’t really operating in good faith here, and if that’s the case then the wife’s only options are to put up with it even though it’s a ridiculously high and unfair price of admission, or make it a dealbreaker, which is sad.

          OP, I agree that you need to call him on it and figure out an arrangement that feels fair to you. And if he can’t do that, then you have a bigger problem.

          1. Whatever happened to “assume good intentions”? I have sleep habits that fall outside of accepted norms, so I can empathize with the husband. OP says it wasn’t a problem before kids, so it’s not like husband has devised a sneaky way to get out of childcare, that’s just how he does sleep. I agree he should make up the time – giving OP a similar beak or using late hours to do some family chores.

    19. Let it go.

      There are three types of sleepers: morning people, night owls, and nappers. This isn’t a preference, any more than being more function at 10 pm tha n 5 am is a preference. It’s how our bodies are designed.

      1. I generally agree with this, but I thought anonshmanon made a good point above. If his biological clock is set to stay up late and take naps, he should be doing something productive with those late nights. He can have a weird sleep schedule, but it’s not fair that he’s using it to get out of childcare and chores.

        1. Lordy, productive can be getting enough alone time so you can be a loving partner the rest of the time. I’m so glad I’m not married to the drill sergeants here.

          1. I’m always fascinated by the people who think there are absolute rules about the right and wrong way to live life. Like only way to live right = sleep 8 hours at night, no napping! I prefer to live my life pretty loose and unstructured and if I had a partner who wanted every minute available to them for scheduling some activity into – well, I wouldn’t have that partner for very long.

          2. Agreed. This seems like the reverse of the thread posted a few weeks ago by a woman whose husband was upset because she would go to bed at the time as the kids, depriving him of “alone time” with her in the evenings.

      2. If OP lets it go, she gets stuck with the kids. When you have kids, you don’t get to indulge your natural schedule preferences.

        1. It’s not an “indulgence” to meet a basic need. The negative health outcomes from fighting an inborn sleep schedule are significant.

          However I still wonder if it’s blue light from the TV keeping him awake. I fall asleep quickly watching TV if the screen is it’s red shifted, but I stay up light if it’s not.

        2. “When you have kids, you don’t get to indulge your natural schedule preferences.”

          I don’t agree with this. I’m a night owl and my husband handles mornings so I can sleep in. I handle late nights, middle of the night wake-ups, and do other things in the evenings to make life easier for him. There’s a good chance you can have your natural schedule (particularly if your spouse has a different one), but you need to work with your spouse so their needs are met. You don’t get to just check out for “me time” whenever you want.

    20. You’re getting a lot of judgement, and I wanted to let you know I could have written this exact post. Yes, I’m annoyed that my husband stays up past midnight, then naps during the day, and on weekend mornings with the kids is “so tired” that I might as well be parenting on my own. I think he should go to bed earlier. Might there be some physiologic differences in his circadian rhythm? Sure. Am I sympathetic to them when he stays up late watching TV, then is useless the next day? Nope. And I’m also annoyed that if we trade time so that he watches both kids, he has no problem plopping them in front of a screen for 2+ hours (2 kids <4). Is this all 100% logical? Maybe not, but it's how I feel.

  17. This may out me but whatever. I grew up in Shanghai and moved to the US a decade ago. My parents and extended family still live there. I have not seen them since 2018 and they have not yet met my two kids… With covid, it feels impossible. My mom told me that my grandfather (90 year old) had a stroke and is bedridden but they can’t even get food delivered because of the freaking lockdown. The home aid that they have can’t go there so my grandmother (80 year old) is caring for my grandfather all by herself. In the meantime, they have only 4 eggs left in the fridge.
    I am so angry – they practically raised me when I was younger – and am in an emotional mess. But I have an important presentation tomorrow and it feels like I can’t share with coworkers either. Unlike Ukraine, no one seems to give a F what is going on in China… I also can’t go back or afford to take a month off for the quarantine. I have 2 under 5 and in my year to be promoted to partnership.
    I don’t have a question – just venting…

    1. I’m so sorry! My husband is in a similar position with his grandparents in Poland who helped raise him. We haven’t been since 2018 and both of his grandfathers died of Covid last year. We have a new baby and really want her to meet his grandmothers and extended family, but they also live close to the Ukrainian border and the mental calculations of do we or don’t we go and the worry is awful. I’m so sorry. China’s lockdown definitely hasn’t gotten much exposure in American media.

    2. I’m so sorry. It hurts so much to feel so powerless when our loved ones are suffering. You are right to be angry. Your family’s situation is terribly unfair and I know it feels even worse that you can’t do anything about it. I truly hope your grandparents are able to find a way to get more food at the very least.

    3. I would encourage you to share with your boss and consider taking the time to go there if you can. People can’t care about what they don’t know about. If you worked for me, I’d figure out how to get you the time off.

      1. Agree with this – I’d definitely tell your boss and maybe coworkers. I would definitely want to know so I could support you, even if going there is not an option for you. When I know a co-worker has family stuff going on, I try and do whatever I can to make their job easier.

        Also, I am so so sorry Piper Dreamer. This must be absolutely agonizing.

    4. I’m sorry. I’ve been following a few people who are currently in Shanghai on Twitter and it the situation sounds barbaric.

      1. China is an awful, monstrous regime. This is why people worry about governments having too much power. Unfortunately, much of American media, business and politics are entrenched in working with the Chinese government, and people are often shouted down as being anti-Asian when they point it out (see the recent TV ad Tim Ryan, a democrat, in Ohio put out criticizing China that was called Anti-Asian).

    5. I’m so, so sorry. Please share this with someone at work. I promise that people do care and want to help if only you trust them – easier said than done, but people are really honored when you open up to them, I think. Not that I take my own advice, but I am always so grateful when others share with me.

    6. I am SO sorry this is happening. I can’t imagine how awful it must feel. The American news coverage of that lockdown has been so sparse and I find it infuriating. When I visited China as a student years and years ago, elderly people were SO kind to my clueless American self and helped me do things like find the right bus line or the ticket office. And shared snacks on the tour bus. Good snacks!

    7. Hi–I am sorry this is happening. I know this is terrifying.

      For those who are encouraging OP to go there–she can’t. @OP, I know this is so, so hard. Hang in there and do let work know that you are having family issues abroad that you can’t fix, but that are weighing on you.

      1. Well, wasn’t aware of that, but o would still share what’s going on. And if it becomes an option for her to go, I maintain that if she worked for me, I’d move mountains so she could take time off to go whenever that is.

    8. I’m so sorry. I have coworkers with family in China they have not seen in years now, and the new round of lockdowns are very stressful. As others have said, please do share this with your coworkers. It’s a big deal and just because the American news media is ignoring it doesn’t mean it’s not something that is significantly affecting your life.

    9. Thank you, everyone! Just typing this out helps me so much. I am unable to go visit at the moment given the COVID rules and the fact that 95% of international flights are cancelled. But I will ask for time off when/if the situation eases up. I just hope that my grandfather stays alive until then… It’s insane to think back to 2018 when I saw them last, that it could be the last time I see them ever.

  18. Anyone have advise on flying with 2 adults and 2 preschool age kids with 2 car seats? Planning a 1 week beach trip and this will be the first time we travel with kids.

    The thought of lugging 2 car seats is throwing me off, though we will be checking those. Any suggestions there?

    Should I buy rolling luggage or just do backpacks? Prekids I traveled light with just a backpack and crossbody gym bag, can I still get away with this or is this a bad idea? I’ve never traveled with my kids before.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. I would not check a car seat under the plane. Either bring it on board (bonus: keeps kids contained and makes it easier for them to sleep) or gate-check. Get those carts that allow you to use the car seat like a stroller in the airport, plus the car seat bags if you are going to gate-check. A backpack is fine, but you will not want to be juggling a gym bag while wrangling a screaming, writhing preschooler. Check a big suitcase.

      1. Soft disagree re: checking the car seats, if you are checking bags already. Car seats are so bulky and cumbersome to haul through the airport, and your kids don’t need them on the plane. We’ve never used ours on the plane, we always at the lease gate-checked.

        OP, I recommend getting the $20 Graco booster seats from Target if your kids are big enough for them. They’re much easier to carry around than convertible car seats.

      2. I have had baggage destroyed exactly once in my entire life of flying 25k+ miles per year, and it was a gate-checked stroller. I’ve checked car seats dozens of times without any issues. Checking is usually fine and gate-checking is definitely not risk free.

        I have not found any value in bringing car seats on board once they’re not longer necessary for safety reasons, but it’s probably pretty kid dependent. My kid is not especially wiggly and has never slept on planes except in the flat bed seats in business class. She also generally behaves much better when she’s treated like a big kid and getting to sit in the regular seat with the seatbelt is part of that.

    2. I’d go with two rolling suitcases and check them both. Carry on as little as possible.

    3. If you’re actually checking them, you can do curbside check and won’t have to lug them anywhere. If you’re gate checking them you’ll have to get them through the airport but that’s not bad if you have lightweight seats (I recommend the Cosco Scenera Next and Finale, depending on kids sizes). If either of your kids are 4 years old and 40 lbs you might be ok to switch to a booster seat – our ped gave us the ok to do that for short trips where we’re not spending a lot of time in the car.
      When our kid was little and we needed diapers and stuff we usually tried to take one giant checked suitcase with everyone’s stuff. Since age 3 or so, we go carry-on only for most trips, with each person having a purse or backpack and a rolling carryon. I have managed a car seat over my shoulder + two rolling carryons pretty easily (you can’t expect the kid to carry it the whole way).
      I don’t have two kids but have traveled solo with my one kid a bunch, so same adult to kid ratio. It’s not as bad as you’d think. Strangers will help you a lot.

      1. Omg. What amazing thing is this “curbside check”?! I will definitely be doing this. Ty!

    4. when we did this when my siblings and I were little, we had one carryon with everyone’s PJs, swimsuits, and toiletries in case of luggage catastrophe.

      Everything else got checked in 3 large bags – one bag of beach stuff (toys, towels, floats, etc, YMMV whether you need this bag if you’re staying at a resort) and two bags that had a mix of clothes for the whole family. That way if one of the two clothes bags got lost, we still had at least two-three outfits for everyone.

    5. Are you renting a car? Check if you can rent car seats where you’re arriving. If someone’s picking you up, looking for baby gear rental in that town and see if you can get the seats delivered to them.

      1. I have not had good car seat rental experiences. I think it’s easier to bring lightweight travel car seats than to deal with the stress of having no car seat, the wrong size car seat or an obviously broken or unsafe car seat provided by the car rental company, which seems to happen not infrequently. We once started a trip by waiting over an hour at the airport while DH Uber-ed to Walmart to buy car seats. Never again.

      2. Renting the car seats has worked perfectly for some of my friends, but just chiming in to say we had a terrible experience with it. We did this a couple of years ago and got a car seat that was 9 years old (and likely expired), was so old that it couldn’t plug into the LATCH connectors in the car, didn’t have all of the cushions for it, etc. It was all they had for us and it was….not great.

        1. We got an infant bucket seat for a 3 year old. We said “uhh this won’t work” and they said “sorry? That’s all we have.” Hence my comment above about DH having to take an Uber to Walmart.

    6. we have twins so don’t know how to travel any other way :-). We gate check the car seats. We have two car seat bags with wheels. DH pulls those while I push the twins in the stroller. We each carry a backpack with stuff on our backs and check our large wheeled suitcases. The reason I do not get check car seats is I am too paranoid about lost luggage and what i would do at our destination without them since most of the time it is family picking us up and I’ve also heard too many stories about rental car agencies insisting they have car seats and then when you get there, they have overbooked and don’t actually have them. its A LOT of schlepping, but doable.

    7. We have AAA and get one free carseat. We bring one car seat For my 3 y/o and then my 5 year old gets whatever they have there. She can sit in a booster or a 5pt harness. If you have a 4 y/o that could sit in a booster in a pinch then I think this option makes the most sense.

    8. Not sure if this is helpful since it will be out first time flying with two kids but here’s my plan. We’re flying with an almost 2 year old and an almost 4 year old for a week beach trip. I am checking two bags where I’ve divided everyone’s clothes in case one gets lost. I will wear a backpack with one change of clothes for everyone in a compression bag (more for the 2 year old), diapers, toys for the plane, snacks, tablet for older kid, and work laptop. We’re gate checking an umbrella stroller (will have the baby in it through the airport). DH will wear one car seat in a back pack carrier and we’ll put the 2 year old in it on the plane. We’re renting one car seat from the rental car agency. In a pinch, we’d be OK with a booster for the kid who is turning 4 in 3 weeks (and was 42 inches a year ago). The two checked bags are not fully packed yet so if needed we may also take a small carry-on suitcase or a large nylon tote for DH to carry.

    9. Why do you need car seats on the plane? Kids will have their own seats or if very tiny, then they’ll have a bassinet on the flight….

      We used to check everything except a massive diaper bag with kid stuff. Depends on how old your kids are….

      1. Turbulance. I’d rather have a shaky plane ride with a seat scaled for people with giant heads and wee necks on the off chance it’s needed. Ditto a car crash — in a car seat for the little ones.

        1. Not necessarily – in my experience, car seats can actually contribute to squirminess. Mine has always hated being in a carseat and her behavior reflects that. We ditched it the second she hit 40 pounds and was safe to fly without.

      2. The FAA says children under 40 lbs should be in a carseat or a CARES harness on an airplane. It’s legal to hold them on your lap until age 2, but that doesn’t make it a best safety practice.

    10. We had Diono car seats that fold, and we would pack two (plus a booster seat) in a large duffel bag that would be curbside checked. DH is strong, so that worked for us (it was a very heavy bag – you don’t get charged if the only thing in it is car seats). I’m not strong, so if I was traveling by myself, it would not have worked unless someone was meeting us. (I did it when all three were in booster seats – same duffle, but those were much lighter.)

      If you are going to a vacation destination, I would look into renting beach toys and stuff, but you really can’t travel light with kids (unless you want to spend the entire first day buying the things you need). Especially since there is very little that they will be able to carry themselves, even if they claim they want a backpack, you will end up carrying it.

      For a beach vacation, with laundry, I would pack swimsuits and a change of underwear and socks in carry-ons, and plan on two rolling suitcases for 4 people.

    11. (1) The CARES harnesses are fantastic on planes if the kiddo doesn’t need to fly in a seat.

      (2) You can often use the LATCH and a bungee cord to strap the car seat to a rollaboard suitcase for sort of a bootleg stroller–enough to wheel the kiddo through the airport (rear facing and they will Make Friends with the people walking behind you), plus you don’t have to lug the car seat or bring a stroller.

  19. Exciting news! (intermittent poster under a different pseudonym, since this makes me very recognizable) Some of you may remember that I produced a virtual series of magic shows in late 2020 as part of my “Flavors of Magic” project to highlight diversity in the magic community. Well, a lot of you have inspired me to “do the thing,” as we say here, and I now have a monthly LIVE show in NYC!

    Our first show is April 21, in a lovely little theater in Tribeca. The cast is AMAZING, and I can’t believe they all agreed to perform at my little show!

    If you are in NYC, please look us up- our website is http://www.flavorsofmagic.com and you can sign up for our mailing list to get information about upcoming shows. We are also on facebook/instagram as flavorsofmagic- if you’d like to help us by liking/following to boost our profile, that would be fantastic.

    If anybody comes to the show, please say Hi! I’ll be hosting on the 21st!

      1. Thank you so much! This is a big project for me, and it is both exciting and terrifying.

  20. I just got a job offer that I am going to turn down. The salary is fine, the location is fine; I just get a bad vibe on the internal politics and some of the things people said in interviews. Suggestions for how to phrase this?

    1. You don’t need to justify yourself. “The position wasn’t a good fit” or “I’ve decided to take another opportunity” will suffice.

      1. +1, or “Not quite the role I’m looking for at this time,” or “Not quite the right fit.”

    2. You don’t need to, and shouldn’t, give a reason. Just say thank you for the opportunity and decline.

      1. Agree with this. “I’m sorry but I’m not able to accept at this time.”

      2. I mean that’s fine in theory, but odds are you’re having an actual conversation with an actual person who will ask a follow up question so it helps to have a little more to say. Also, recruiters move around a lot and I treat all those interactions as “you never know where you meet again” conversations. It may not be required, or “necessary” but a little common courtesy goes a long way. Agree with the suggestions on fit though- come up with something to say that’s more about your own goals and how they don’t match the job.

  21. Would you write a negative review for the neighborhood bakery in this instance? I threw a party this weekend and ordered two dozen decorated sugar cookies from the corner shop for the first time. They were beautiful…but they were hard as a rock, tasted like sawdust, and two different people when I asked what they thought said store-bought cookies would have been better. An elementary school kid said they were too tough to eat with her loose teeth. An unfortunate case of form over function. The two dozen cookies were nearly $60 – I’d leave like a 3 star review just to let others know not to order cookies there if you actually want them to taste good. BUT this was my first time ever ordering fancy decorated cookies like you see on Pinterest/Instagram – do they ever taste good?

    1. Yes they can absolutely taste good. Our local bakery makes wonderful ones that are so cute. I actually didn’t know sugar cookies could taste really bad until I got hard as a rock ones from a posh bakery on a trip to Chicago. I would definitely leave a review and 3 stars seem very generous for a product that was basically inedible.

    2. If you want to leave a review then leave a review. Three stars is not that bad, it’s not like you’re leaving a one star review. The cookies were beautiful and ready on time but they didn’t taste all that great – done.

      I’ve had beautifully decorated cookies that were very tasty (my cat actually stole one – he doesn’t even eat people food) and I’ve had decorated cookies that weren’t great.

    3. No, because I find those petty and rough on small businesses. I’d be inclined to privately tell the bakery they weren’t good so they can improve the product.

        1. + 1 small businesses need all the help they can get. A bad review can rank them quickly

        1. It is petty to complain about it in a public review. It is not petty to complain to the bakery directly. This is the kind of thing where I just don’t personally buy that thing again. I like having small local bakeries, restaurants, book stores, coffee shops, etc. are they perfect? Is the quality the same as a mega funded operation? No. But they add to the community and I’ll support them anyway. It is hard to start a business, pour your heart and soul into it, and online reviews like that can absolutely crush both the business and the people behind it. There are better ways to deal with your disappointment over a cookie.

          1. But this isn’t a small business vs large business thing. The local bakery in my small town makes the best cookies I’ve ever tasted. In fact I would say that on average local bakeries beat the corporate chains. Petty means “characterized by an undue concern for trivial matters, especially in a small-minded or spiteful way.” It isn’t small-minded or spiteful to publicly share that expensive cookies turned out to taste terrible. It helps other customers avoid this bakery if they’re looking for decorated cookies.

          2. The whole purpose of public reviews is to help other consumers make good choices. An honest review is not a punishment to a business.

          3. Using the system for its intended purpose =/= petty. I leave honest feedback for my fellow consumers, and expect the same in return.

        2. Yeah, I hate this new idea that women are “karens” if we complain about anything. Some things are worth complaining about! It’s petty to write a negative review because you thought the bakery owner gave you the side-eye when you checked out. It’s not petty to write a review of a bakery that gave you inedible cookies.

          1. +1. Customers deserve to know what they are getting, no matter how small or large the business.

          2. I disagree. Petty is not having a conversation with the bakery/owner and not giving them the opportunity to make it right before airing grievances publicly. Going straight to the internet without giving the business an opportunity to fix things is petty. Thank you.

          3. But how can the business properly “fix this”? The party is over. She served terrible cookies to her guests. Even if she got a refund, it’s fair for her to warn other customers that their cookies taste terrible. She’s doing other people a service by sharing accurate information about her experience. I rely on Yelp a lot when choosing where to eat on vacation and Yelp wouldn’t work without some people leaving negative reviews about their experiences.

          4. The business can refund the OP and test new recipes. Sorry but I strongly disagree with review culture. It’s absolutely toxic.

      1. I agree. I would reach out to the manager/owner of the bakery and let them know that the cookies were stale or overbaked.

        1. See, to me that’s more of a Karen thing to do than posting an honest review. Also, they must know that their cookies are bad. What good is telling them going to do?

          1. Yeah, unless there was something obviously wrong with them like they were visibly burned, this isn’t a bad batch. It’s just how their cookies taste.

          2. Ehh if the cookies were rock hard, there is a very good chance they were baked a day or two or more before OP received them. If I were an owner of a bakery, I would want to know that my employees were giving customers day old (or more) products. Same if they were overbaked. I wouldn’t mention the taste, but I think she could say they “seemed old or overbaked.” FWIW, overbaked does not always equate to burned, especially for this type of cookie.

            [This is coming from someone whose parents owned a bakery for a long, long time. But they weren’t actually the ones in there every single day fulfilling orders. They would have wanted to hear that customers were receiving stale or “rock hard” cookies.]

      2. I don’t think it’s necessarily petty (depends on how it’s written), but it is potentially really rough on a small business to leave a lower review, especially if they don’t have a lot of reviews to begin with. I personally wouldn’t leave a medium or low review on an independent local business because the effect that it could have on the small business would be disproportionate to my disappointment in the product/service.

        1. I guess one could leave a 4* review about how beautiful they are and confess that they didn’t taste as great as they looked and that’s why a star was removed. I think it’s a low stars count more than the words that typically hurt businesses?

          I honestly think it’s bad for my community when local businesses fail, and I think that other people like pretty cookies that taste bleh to me, since there are plenty of businesses large and small that offer this product. It’s not what I like, but I dislike a lot of things. I don’t think I’m just objectively correct and that businesses I don’t like should be replaced by businesses I do, though obviously I will continue to spend more money and write more enthusiastic reviews for the businesses I like.

          But I would rather keep the locally owned pretty cookie place than have it be replaced by some corporate chain whose cookies taste just as bad and aren’t even that pretty.

          1. A 4 star review for inedible cookies is absurd. I thought the OP was being really generous by leaving 3. The product was terrible.

          2. Yeah maybe I took OP’s review with a grain of salt. I’ve definitely been at parties where everyone was raving about something that I disliked and believe would have been a complete dud at another gathering where people have different tastes. So I couldn’t really tell if this was a case of a bad batch, or if this is just a successful pretty cookie business for people whose only criteria for a cookie is that it contain sugar and be pretty.

          3. I completely agree with this. I’d much rather support a local bakery with meh cookies, especially when OP confesses she doesn’t even know what they’re supposed to taste like, it’s like never having chocolate, trying it and hating it and trashing the place that sells chocolate. Ducked up.

          4. Sugar cookies should not be rock hard. OP does not have to be a connoisseur to know these cookies are bad.

      3. Isn’t the point of reviews to let other customers know what was your experience with the product or service so they can make an educated decision about whether to patronize that place? How is it petty to leave a bad review for a bad product? If no one is supposed to leave bad reviews, doesn’t that make it harder for small businesses that are genuinely excellent and have good reviews stand out and receive appropriate recognition?

      4. This. I’d inform the manager/owner. If they handle it well and perhaps give a store credit, I wouldn’t leave a review. Hopefully your experience was just a one time thing. If they are nasty about it, then I would leave a review detailing the complaint.

    4. Yes they should taste good (albeit probably very sugary sweet due to the type of icing they use), and should not be rock hard. I would consider giving them direct feedback (but knowing myself, I’d probably chicken out and just leave a review) and requesting a refund or store credit.

      1. Agree with asking for a refund. If the bakery promptly provides one and is appropriately apologetic, i.e. addresses the issue, maybe skip the bad review and chalk it up to a one-off. If they deny that there was anything wrong, then the bad review is fair game because if they think that product is appropriate, other customers deserve to know.

    5. In the interest of fairness, I might go back and try another item to see if the cookies were representative, but after that a bad review is fair game. As a potential customer, I’d certainly like to know the cookies taste awful. Like the person above said, just be sure to also point out that they were beautiful.

    6. Omg Princess no. Reach out to the bakery and tell them that there were issues. Jumping straight to a negative review without giving them an opportunity to fix it isn’t cool.

      1. The party is over. OP eating replacement trays of cookies alone in her kitchen isn’t “fixing” it.

    7. I’ve never had a cookie of this type that was edible lol. I’ve learned to politely take the favor and ditch it elsewhere…

      1. Completely agree. I generally think that the prettier a baked good is, the more likely it is to be not great to actually eat.

      2. Agree on this – you can have super fancy cookies or super tasty cookies, and IME it’s rare to find one that hits on both counts. Maybe feedback to the bakery directly, but they probably know they’re sacrificing taste for style.

      3. I have actually had really great cookies like this! We ordered some for my sister’s baby shower and they were amazing. And every party I’ve been to has had great ones as well. I don’t think it’s too much to expect that they taste good.

        1. Me too! I’m shocked that so many people think decorated cookie always taste terrible. I have had many decorated sugar cookies (not made by me) that looked and tasted great. I’m a talented baker and can be snobby about bakery items because I can often make a better version at home, but decorated sugar cookies are the one thing that’s always worth it to me to get from a bakery because I can’t make them at home.

    8. I would talk to the business and try to get a refund. Ideally give back leftover product but I understand why this may not be possible.

      If they fail to respond / try and make it right, yeah, leave a review.

      1. This is what I would do. Could have been someone new baking, cooking times could have been wrong, something. I would give them a chance to offer you a refund. If they don’t work with you, leave a review.

    9. Those types of cookies don’t have to be inedible; a coworker’s sister made some really beautiful ones for a baby shower I gave for a friend, and they both looked good and tasted good. Before leaving the review, I would contact the store and explain what happened – I’m betting they were busy and made your order too far in advance, and the cookies dried out. Give them a chance to make it right. If they act indifferent or get defensive, then I would leave the negative review.

    10. They CAN taste good, but so many actually don’t. I make decorated cookies, though not super fancy, and they honestly taste better than the decorated cookies I’ve gotten from fancy bakeries. I have no idea why that’s a thing, but I do think they prioritize the prettiness over the taste. I would absolutely leave a review!

    11. I feel like a lukewarm review is a really big deal to small businesses. I don’t like letting them know privately either though since it feels less anonymous to me and I’m not anxious to be the lady who complained. So I guess my cowardly approach is to find the place whose cookies are both beautiful and delicious and then leave them a really hyped up positive review.

      1. lmao yes this is also me. I just move on from products and businesses that disappoint me; they’ve already disappointed me once, I don’t need to continue the experience.

    12. Yes I would write a negative review and it would be a one star. I don’t understand why everyone is saying cut them a break because it’s a small business/community etc. Reality is if I’ve paid $60 for a product, I expect it to be edible even if it isn’t great. And no I wouldn’t reach out to them privately the same way I wouldn’t reach out to Giant privately either. Doesn’t matter to me if it’s a small business.

      1. missing question: why don’t they have any QA? Small businesses should care enough to taste a cookie before delivering. this is why they make a baker’s dozen!!

        1. They may think it tastes just fine or as it’s supposed to. Some people like soft cookies, some people like hard cookies. Just because OP didn’t like the cookie doesn’t mean it’s bad. And terrible to perpetuate ill will through a bad review when OP has no basis for comparison.

          1. Not OP but I had a cookie from a fancy bakery that was so hard I thought I was going to chip a tooth. I ended up having to microwave it so I could eat it without pain. There’s different preferences and then there’s cookies that are just objectively bad. This really sounds like the latter to me.

      2. What is it you do for a living? Have you never EVER done a mediocre job? Would you be jazzed if the personnel m on the other end of the mediocre job you did sent a public blast to every potential client with a one-star review? Bakers are real people who have good days and bad days and lots of bills to pay. Cookies, even $60 cookies, are just one of the dozens of things we put into our mouths every day and aren’t worth ruining someone’s business over.

    13. Yes. You paid good money for something that was not good. Don’t let this happen to the next person who needs cookies.

    14. I would probably reach out to them privately to let them know that the cookies didn’t taste good and to request a refund. If they don’t make the situation right, I would have no problem writing them a negative review.

      1. If I really hated the cookies, I might reach out and tell them that the cookies weren’t very sweet and/or were very hard, but I wouldn’t post an online review. Most bakery cookies are made from a premade mix or frozen dough, and it’s possible there was a batch that got made with old ingredients / someone forgot the sugar.

        FWIW, I think there is a wide variety of sweetness in baked goods. The Danish bakery near us make super-duper sweet cakes, which is pretty much in line with my Southern/Midwestern roots. Ditto on the snotty LA bakery that always makes the “best of list,” or the cupcake shops. On the other hand, the local bakery that advertises itself as “Japanese-style” makes cakes and pastries that are at least half as sweet as a grocery store cake.

        1. I’ve also found that sweet and salt are two flavors that I become wildly more or less sensitive to based on what I’ve been eating recently. At a party, if I’m drinking the punch (I adore punch), I may find that the dessert or the fruit salad will taste less sweet to me. Or if I’ve been eating a lot of Chinese take-out (I love Chinese takeout), I find myself salting my food at other meals more because my taste has adjusted to saltier foods. Conversely if I’ve been eating at home for a while, the take-out may taste too heavily salted in comparison.

          And I’ve read that international companies actually factor this into their local recipes because yes, Japan has less of a sweet tooth than say, Australia!

  22. I’ve noticed a post-pandemic behavior that is really taking me by surprise. I am so freaking sensitive to social interactions. I’m easily annoyed by people and their quirks, and/or when the vibe of a hangout feels off. These are people I generally like! It’s like I have zero tolerance for social discomfort after several years of not being very social. I hope this is something that goes away in time, but it does make me feel bad and guilty for being annoyed with everyone all the time. Also, I did not miss the pain of finding a time when everyone can hang out. Let me tell you, having older kids doesn’t help in this regard. There’s always a softball tournament or dance class or, or, or. Definitely a stage in life thing, but I find myself so annoyed.

    1. I feel you. I don’t think I’m really the one who is annoyed but I notice my friends being annoyed/prickly with me and I try to remember not to take it too personally, because I know we all lost social skills over two years of isolation.

  23. What even are pants anymore?

    I have some in-person work stuff coming up and after two heads wearing mostly stretchy jeans at home, I thought I’d buy some new pants to wear with my existing jackets. I’m plus sized and tall, so I filtered on women’s clothing – pants – plus sizes on the Nordstrom site. WTF. It’s pages and pages of joggers, leggings, and jeans.

    Where is everyone getting pants lately? Especially my tall, plus sized imaginary internet friends? And what style of office pants are we wearing? Are ankle pants still happening (which is what I was wearing pre-pandemic)?

    1. Reporting from Philly- ppl are just wearing their average office clothes from 2019 around mine.

      1. Same in SF, but also skewing more casual. I’m in finance and have seen everyone wearing sneakers and more casual takes on their old clothes. I personally love an ankle jean – goes with all shoes and weather. I’m having good luck at JCrew factory.

  24. Is anyone changing their behavior because of BA2? I’m in DC/NoVa where it’s widespread and am again having that feeling of not wanting to leave the house. I mask with a KN95 but IDK – just doesn’t feel safe, probably because more than half of people aren’t masked + you keep hearing of people you know being sick [now hearing a lot of people with a stomach bug too – which is either a stomach thing or BA2 which presents with stomach stuff].

    Yet I have to leave a few times this week including to go into work to pick up an ID; I don’t HAVE to go this week but it is something time sensitive and will expire in a few weeks if not validated. So if I don’t go pick it up thinking cases will go down and they don’t for another month, then the ID expires and I have to restart the process – which involves taking multiple mask less pictures.

    I know I’m just being crazed and fearful [and I am fearful of this – whether rational or not, I have other health concerns too so this isn’t just a young person being afraid to live normally]. WWYD? Do I go back to only going out if needed like the one work appointment and then just staying in my apartment all the time for a few weeks? Go out and about as normal and whatever?

    1. I’m in Alex and I’m the one who posted about the sugar cookies above and threw a party on Saturday. If you’re triple vaxxed and aren’t immunocompromised, your chances of severe illness or death are very slight. COVID is just a cold for millions of people around the globe (myself, my husband, most of the people at the party – all of us had it as a cold back in December).

      Have you thought about talking to a professional about your anxiety? This probably isn’t the only place it manifests.

      1. I went to a similar party a week ago and got Covid as did most of the attendees. Zero regrets!

          1. Eh Covid is inevitable for all of us. I’d rather get it from a party where at least I had fun than from work or my kid’s classmate.

    2. No, because I don’t have anything in the next month that would be affected by having to quarantine. (Can easily WFH, no planned travel, no kids, don’t see anyone high risk.)

    3. “Is anyone changing their behavior because of BA2?”

      Nope. I’m vaccinated and boosted and still masking with KN-95s in enclosed or crowded areas. I am not worried.

      “Yet I have to leave a few times this week including to go into work to pick up an ID; I don’t HAVE to go this week but it is something time sensitive and will expire in a few weeks if not validated. So if I don’t go pick it up thinking cases will go down and they don’t for another month, then the ID expires and I have to restart the process – which involves taking multiple mask less pictures.”

      If you work for the government or a government-adjacent business, putting yourself in a situation where you let your required ID expire because you’re afraid to leave your house is a bad look. Go get the ID. Wear a mask inside the building until you have to get your picture taken. Take your mask off, take the picture, put the mask back on. You’re making this way harder than it needs to be.

      “I know I’m just being crazed and fearful”

      Yep.

      “WWYD? Do I go back to only going out if needed like the one work appointment and then just staying in my apartment all the time for a few weeks?”

      I am not sure how long you lived like this but I think living this way reset some things in your brain that now need to be re-reset back to a more-normal state of being. If you are fully vaccinated and boosted and wearing a KN-95 mask when you leave your house, unless you are legitimately immunocompromised, your chances of getting Covid are very low and your chances of experiencing long-term or serious consequences from getting Covid are teeny-tiny. I think too much time in your apartment has maybe not had the best effect on your mental health and it would benefit you to get out more. We are going to continue to see Covid variants for some time. Unless you want to live your life in a perpetual state of fear and high anxiety, you have got to figure out a way to reframe and recalibrate what “safety” looks like. Going forward, there is never ever going to be a zero-percent chance you will get Covid. No matter what you do.

      Typing all this, I am realizing that between this question and the one above about “doing penance” for shopping at Amazon, I think maybe someone here decided things have been a little too quiet or normal lately and decided to do some pot-stirring this morning, just for funsies. Sigh.

    4. For me this is all a math problem. But if I’m going to be indoors for ~20 min or less, I really don’t worry too much since one-way protection with a KN95 is pretty good within that time frame. Outdoors, I don’t worry. Have you seen the personal precautions chart “Your Local Epidemiologist” made? It’s not aimed at people with elevated risk factors (they are oddly “othered” on the chart), but it’s also easy to adjust it to one’s own risk factors and tolerance.

      And I should be clear that I don’t listen to the “just a cold” crowd. There’s a lot to worry about besides acute illness, hospitalization, and death. I think denialism is a bigger sign of an anxiety problem than taking sensible precautions.

    5. Caseloads are still low where I live, but as soon as they start trending upward I’m going to cut out all non-essential public exposures, just as I did for a few weeks during the winter Omicron surge. There is more and more news about the common and scary long-term effects of COVID, and if I can avoid them by picking up groceries and saying no to in-person meetings for a few weeks then I’ll do that.

      We are never going back to mask mandates again, so sadly it’s up to individuals to protect themselves by staying home.

      1. The salient point to me here is that caseloads are still low. It seems that this is true for DC as well. Now is the time to go out with minimal risk. Don’t rely on anecdata from people who got sick. Go by case rates and test positivity rates in your region.

        1. One other consideration is whether OP has already had omicron. The people who are flitting around maskless and not catching COVID have probably all had omicron already. People like me who haven’t had it and are relying on vaxx + booster + mask are naturally going to be more cautious.

    6. You should never have been just staying in your apartment for weeks at a time. We’ve been saying this for years now. You trashed your mental health. You can at a minimum go for daily walks.

      1. This. BTW lots of the spring breaks in the N. Va./Md. school districts are this week, so LOTS of families are traveling; and even those who aren’t traveling, will likely be gathering with others this weekend for Easter/Passover/ongoing Ramadan. So while I think DC/Va cases may be getting close to a peak, I don’t think it’s there yet and will likely happen after the week of vacationing and weekend of gathering maybe a week or two after that. So yeah go now if you need to run out to do errands at work or anywhere else.

    7. Numbers are still very low in my Midwest state, I think we may have more “natural” immunity than the Northeast (we had very high Delta cases basically continuously from August to November even before Omicron hit.) I will reassess if that changes.

      I’m living life mostly normally now for the first time since February 2020. We’ve only recently started doing stuff indoors, but went full throttle, going to an indoor concert with almost 10,000 people last week. We still wear KN95 masks in public and are still not doing indoor dining, mainly because we don’t see any real downside to those things. We see my 70-something parents regularly and have travel plans about once a month that would be impacted by getting Covid and I also don’t believe Covid is NBD even in the vaccinated, so we’d definitely prefer not to get it and wearing masks and avoiding indoor dining seem like small prices to pay for reducing our risk. On the other hand, we’re not going to die if we get it, and odds seem very high we will eventually get it through my child’s in-person school or my husband’s in-person job, so it doesn’t make sense to abstain from all the fun stuff only to get it eventually from school or work.

    8. In N. Va. and yes. To me it’s no different from that 3-4 week timeframe we had in Dec/Jan, where I only went out if absolutely needed but otherwise stayed home, only did grocery pick ups etc.

      Now I’ve been running around for recent weeks to get tasks done as it was clear cases were on the upswing; I have a few tasks left this week including going to the office once, and then I think I’m laying low as everyone else will return from Easter gatherings, spring break vacations etc.

      1. Are cases really as high now as they were during the first surge!? I thought even in NY the numbers were way lower than they were back then.

        1. Likely because we’re catching 1 in 8 cases right now due to home testing/people not testing etc. So take where we are now and multiply by 8 and those are the real numbers which I don’t think are too different from Dec/Jan and I don’t think we’ve peaked yet though this has been going on for a few weeks so hopefully a peak comes maybe after the upcoming holiday weekend.

          1. “So take where we are now and multiply by 8 and those are the real numbers”

            LMAOOOOOO this is not how statistics work. 1 in 8 is an estimation. The real number of cases is not X cases times 8 = the real, absolute number you can rely on to make decisions. There are so many other factors in this. Are you a statistician or public health expert with some kind of professional-level, inside knowledge of this stuff? If not – please, please, please do not feed into misperceptions and misinformation by posting things like this. Yikes.

          2. There were lots of issues with lack of access testing in Dec/Jan, and plenty of people tested positive at home back then too (none of my family members who had Omicron in December got official tests, just home positives). I get your point that we’re not capturing all infections (although 1 in 8 seems really low based on what I’ve read), but every expert seems to agree the relative numbers are very informative. NYC is currently less than 1/10th of the winter peak and while the numbers could certainly continue to go up, I think it’s really misinformation to say it’s basically the same situation as the winter. Based on what happened in Europe, the BA2 peak should be substantially lower.

          3. I would expect the percent positivity to go way up if we were badly undertesting. Is that not right?

    9. “which is either a stomach thing or BA2 which presents with stomach stuff”

      The world is generally back to “normal” enough that there are many other illnesses circulating and not everything that makes people sick is covid.

      1. My kid brought home a miserable cold from school that had us coughing, sneezing and blowing our noses for a week. We used up all our government-provided Covid tests trying to see if it was Covid – it was not. Just a cold. We’re over it now and everyone is fine.

    10. We are also in NoVA and continue to be careful (restaurant eating outdoors when my toddler is with us, etc) but not overly so. We are vaxxed and boosted, but just had to deal with a ten-day quarantine because my kid was exposed at daycare. So….we are careful to avoid known out-of-daycare exposures because ten-day quarantines really mess up our life.

    11. I’m still not back in the office full time and part of the reason is the high case counts locally (which also mean most of my colleagues aren’t coming in so there’s only a small point to me going in). But outside of work I’m living my life mostly as I used to, partly because – as others have said – I don’t have anything coming up that would be ruined if I had to isolate.

    12. I recently got COVID while traveling. I’m vaxxed/boosted. It has been terrible for me. I’m 3 weeks out and still have a very painful cough, fatigue, and brain fog. I’ve seen my doctor and will again this week. Meds are not helping. Waiting on a chest x-ray report. Prior to travel, I had been fairly careful. Masks in public. No eating out. WFH still. Masks at my gym as social distancing is impossible there. I likely got COVID because of tours in buses with people not wearing masks, not just walking around or popping into a store. I was actually stuck in another country for an extra week because I was symptomatic and tested positive before our return flight.

      I think you need to do what makes you most comfortable. Anyone making judgments is just mean at this point. Sure, it’s been 2 years but some people know how their body is likely to react. For me, I had been super careful the entirety of the pandemic because I already get extremely bad bronchitis and respiratory issues with a normal cold. I knew it was likely that I would end up with bad respiratory issues. And I was right.

      I’m not trying to fear monger. It just seems to me that people are not being compassionate. Yes, you should get out a tad more often probably. Even if just for a walk with a friend. Otherwise, do what feels comfortable for you. If you are worried about cases jumping, do what you need to do now (getting your ID for instance). Wear a mask everywhere. I haven’t been out much at all since I got home mostly because I’m exhausted. Obviously, when I’m feeling better I’ll go about life similarly to how I did before but maybe go out to eat since I likely won’t catch it again so soon.

      All this to say, do what is comfortable for yourself and take care of what you need to take care of now.

    13. If not now, when? Nothing else is going to save us from Covid. It’s here to stay. Just like the flu and colds it’s something that will circulate for the rest of our lives. I was never willing to stop living to avoid the flu or a cold before, and I’m not willing to stop living to avoid Covid either. I’m tripled vaxxed, get flu shots, will continue to get vaccines when they’re available and that is all you can really do. I’m fortunate to not be immunocompromised, and unless you are, which necessitates a whole bunch of additional considerations, I’d recommend getting back to normal. It’s nice on the other side.

      1. Yeah, it’s not clear to me that this is where we’re at. The reinfection rate is increasingly high, and too many triply vaxxed people are down for the count each time they catch it. People who experienced only mild cold symptoms on their first time around can’t count on that with each subsequent reinfection. There’s also no clear plan for staying boosted into the future (the boost from a fourth shot turned out to be very short lived). As everyone’s third or fourth shot wanes, what’s going to happen next? And there are high risk conditions other than being immunocompromised (CDC has a whole list of them and the message is that people with 4+ high risk conditions should avoid breakthrough infections even if vaccinated and boosted).

        1. Again though, when are you going to get back to your life presuming you don’t have 4+ high risk conditions? The same is true of the flu. What exactly are you waiting for?

          1. I absolutely altered my behavior during flu outbreaks before this pandemic. During the swine flu pandemic, I kept my child out of day care and scrambled to get her a vaccine at the earliest opportunity. In February 2021 I stopped going to yoga class because the flu was running rampant through our Y. Etc.

          2. I’m not particularly high risk for the flu (the flu sucks, but when I get it, I’m okay), but I still have 4+ conditions that are high risk for COVID19 even though I’m fully vaccinated and boosted. The conditions that are high risk for flu are not the same as those that are high risk for COVID19.

            The flu is also largely seasonal and the flu vaccine doesn’t require boosting several times a year. Natural immunity from catching the flu lasts several years. Flu is also less contagious, so one-way masking and handwashing is more effective with the flu (this is why we didn’t have much flu going around back in 2020).

            So I’m not really sure where the idea that “the same is true of the flu” is coming from. Fewer people are high risk for the flu, it’s easier to avoid, immunity lasts longer, and as far as I know it doesn’t mutate at a rate that brings a new variant every few months producing massive waves at any time of year.

          3. But those were outbreaks that lasted a few months. This has been ongoing for two plus years and shows no signs of getting dramatically better. As you note, reinfection is possible and boosters will wane. I’m not trying to be snarky, but what are you waiting for? What do you see as the end of this? We already have highly effective vaccines and antivirals.

          4. Maybe just me but yeah I remember being in law school one year and nearing finals and refusing to study in the library at all [even though that was my preference] because the flu was particularly rampant that Nov/Dec. I’d basically go to class and go straight home and spend all my time working/studying there. YMMV.

          5. And I don’t really have to wait for anything to go places outdoors, or to go places indoors with excellent ventilation and air filtration (clean indoor air should be much more common though!). I can take advantage of the lulls between waves. I can mask up within the efficacy restrictions of one-way masking. I can take advantage of masking mandates when they’re active.

            But I know that I’ll be much less able to go out and live my life if I end up with the long term complications that I’ve seen other fully vaccinated people w/my risk factors end up with.

          6. Different poster but in response to 524 – honestly I am looking for vaccines to get better. Don’t get me wrong, grateful to be vaccinated three times already but let’s be real more and more boosters of the same vaccine that targeted a variant from two years ago are not helpful or at least not long term helpful. So yeah I’m not running off on vacation etc. or going to the office any more than required or unmasking until I’m vaccinated again and by June or before we should know if the fall vaccines will be targeting omicron. Pfizer says it can make a vax broadly targeting Omicron [since we now have BA2 and they are also seeing BA4 and 5 in other places], yet whether we get it or not depends on whether the US government decides to place orders for it; i.e. Pfizer won’t make it if governments don’t commit to buying it.

          7. We don’t have a highly effective vaccine for preventing infection anymore. A nasal vaccine booster would really help people who need to avoid infection! People are working on it.

            We don’t have highly effective antivirals for everyone who needs them. Evushield is for people who didn’t mount a response to vaccination; it’s not for avoiding breakthrough infections. Paxlovid has so many pharmaceutical contraindications that it’s not a feasible option for a lot of people who are high risk for breakthrough infections. If monoclonal antibodies were a surer bet, that would help, but availability doesn’t seem to be reliable so far.

            We also haven’t even started to address the healthcare capacity crisis. It really hasn’t been long since my nearest hospital was at maximum capacity (which is a very dangerous situation for everyone who needs medical care).

            I’m following my own physicians’ recommendations, and I guess I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do? I feel like I don’t have the bandwidth for new chronic health issues. For example, a relative of mine without my risk factors and who is younger than me has had liver issues after recovering from COVID19. If that happened to me, the drugs that manage my conditions would suddenly be a lot less safe to take. What would I do then?

            I don’t know what’s going to happen, but is what we’re doing now actually sustainable enough to be the plan going forward? How many more waves can our healthcare system take? Can people just keep missing weeks of works multiple times a year with the “mild” breakthrough infections that some still find acutely incapacitating? How many times can people get COVID19 without ending up with long COVID?

            So I guess I’m waiting for a plan that makes sense. I’d personally like to see a new nasal vaccine booster, and I’m delighted whenever a local business works on its indoor air quality. I think there’s a lot of room to do better and unless we get lucky and the pandemic just starts to fade out on its own, we’ll probably have to do better than this long term. It would be great if we just got lucky, but it’s not the pattern we’ve seen so far.

          8. 5:32, the Pfizer Omicron booster didn’t show increased efficacy over the original vaccines in trials. It’s not clear vaccines targeted to boosters are going to make any difference.

          9. “unless we get lucky and the pandemic just starts to fade out on its own”
            So that’s what is happening. Omicron infections create much less severe illness than we saw in the Alpha and Delta waves. Infections are much less severe in the vaccinated, if vaccinated people see breakthroughs at all. I realize *you* are still living in March of 2020 but the rest of us are moving on. And that’s how it worked with the Spanish Flu epidemic – cases and illness severity dropped to a point that people decided getting back to normal life was okay to do and they moved forward. If you don’t move forward, that’s fine, but you can’t expect people to stay behind with you. You’ve been told that before, repeatedly.

          10. Right now I’m waiting for the nasal spray vaccine that might prevent infection. Preventing all infection is the only way to prevent the cardiac, neurological, etc. complications. The current vaccines just keep you from dying.

  25. Random question – is there any way to correct slouching easily? I find that I slouch a lot and yet look and feel better when standing/sitting up straight. At times I’ve also noticed I slouch in my sleep if I sleep on my side. Generally I notice it because my back will hurt kind of near where the bra strap goes/on both sides of the spine and then when I pull my shoulders back and chest up for a while, it feels better. Sometimes it just feels like I don’t have the strong enough back muscles to hold my chest up yet I know that can’t be true because we’re talking about barely there A cups. What should I do here? Back strengthening? Something else?

    1. Core strength is very important here. Not necessarily the traditional ab workouts, but look for things that strengthen your deeper TA muscle will help with posture.

    2. Yeah, I think some PT-style exercises are probably your best bet. I’m not a PT, but I’m guessing there’s something that needs strengthening.

    3. A PT friend told me the issue with rolled forward shoulders/poor shoulder posture is that the muscles on the backs of your shoulders are too elongated and the muscles in your chest are too tight. So what you need to do are exercises that will stretch your chest muscles and exercises that will tighten your shoulder muscles. There are a bunch of these types of exercises on YouTube and elsewhere, but that’s the basic gist you want to work on.

    4. I slouch forward when I’m typing if I don’t pay attention. I’ve found a simple, cheap shoulder girdle that’s too cheap/stretchy to actually act as a crutch helps remind me to keep my shoulders back. For me this is just to avoid bad habits overriding PT (not a replacement for PT).

  26. I’m looking at a beach vacation in mid-July in Sarasota, and I was curious if any of you have experienced red tide during that time and what it was like?

    1. I haven’t experienced it in summer, but there was a bad one near Naples 3ish years ago. Like your eyes would sting and you’d be constantly coughing & runny nose on the beach.

      Way to mitigate – pick a hotel or rental that has a pool that’s not beachfront (like, on the other side of the building so beach breeze is blocked, or be on the intracoastal). We stay a few blocks from the beach and when chilling at our own pool, we weren’t affected at all.

    2. I lived in Sarasota for 9 years and can’t remember if red tide starts that early, but it is definitely an annual summer thing. The beach water was too hot to be comfortable for me in the summer, so we wouldn’t go generally regardless of red tide.

  27. Sleep related question inspired by the one above –
    I’m in my late 20s and honestly I do get less than 8 hrs of sleep a night. I find myself regularly sleeping for 12 hours at least one day of the weekend. On one hand, I don’t think its thaaat different from what I used to do in college or high school and it clearly helps my body and isn’t interfering with my life. On the other hand is this something I should like look into?

    1. I think it’s harder on your body to short yourself on sleep and try to make up for it with a longer sleep on the weekends. Among other things, it makes it a lot harder to get up to that alarm clock on Monday morning

      But you’re in your 20s. I could do lots of stuff in my 20s that I can’t do now (or I can do now, I just pay for it for longer)

    2. I never stopped doing this; am currently in my mid-forties. It’s always worked for me, so I don’t fix what isn’t broken.

      1. +1 but just make sure you find a partner who isn’t going to resent you for your sleep schedule

    3. It depends a bit on whether you’re getting the extra hours by going to bed earlier or sleeping in later, I think. Because the latter can make it harder to get up when you need to in the week.

  28. Just a friendly PSA for your Monday. Apparently mangoes have the same oil on their skins that is found in poison ivy/oak/sumac, but the oil is much less concentrated in mangoes. So, if you are highly allergic to poison ivy/oak/sumac, like I am, just buy the pre-cut mangoes. The skin around your lips will thank you.

    1. Fun fact, cashews are also in the same plant family, which is why you always buy them shelled and usually roasted, or else they would cause the same issue (the oil is on the shell).

      1. Is this the same thing as pumpkins/squashes? I know some people get a reaction on their skin from handling them.

        1. I think it’s just cashews, mangos, and pistachios that produce urushiol. But I’m sure there are plenty of other plant compounds that can cause reactions- plants are pretty good at producing toxins to stop things from eating them, which sometimes results in things that are good to eat and sometimes is not so pleasant.

          1. Avocados contain trace amounts of latex. Sometimes my mouth itches after I eat them, and I wonder.

        2. Not sure – but I get a bad reaction from peeling butternut squash (my hands get red and the skin peels). I can eat peeled butternut squash with no problem.

  29. Longshot but has anyone had a chest xray recently [as in during the pandemic]? Can you keep a mask on your face? I ask because every mask I have whether surgical or kn95 has a metal clip at the nose and IDK whether you’re allowed to have metal that close to an xray site or whether it’ll compromise the image. I know people will say ask radiology but this a big health system were you schedule appointments online, the phone numbers all lead to automated computer systems etc. so there’s no way to find out until you get there.

    1. I’m sure you can call and ask (call the central scheduler and ask to be connected to radiology – anyone in that dept can answer your question, doesn’t need to be your doctor). But is it a big deal if you have to take the mask off or wear a cloth mask? I’m very Covid cautious but I’m sure in a medical situation everyone else in the room will be masked. You remove your mask at the dentist, right? I don’t see how this is any different.

    2. I don’t think it matters, as long as the mask isn’t on the area being xrayed (like for a sinus x-ray). I’ve had abdominal x- rays and CT scans during the pandemic and definitely wore masks. I think the only issue is for MRIs, in which case I’m sure they’d provide a mask they knew was metal free.

    3. PSA: X ray, CT/CAT scans, Ultrasounds/US, PET/nuclear imaging + metal is fine, unless the metal is in the part where you’re trying to image.

      MRI/Magnetic resonance imaging + metal is not fine.

    4. I had one last week. The way chest xrays are done, your face isn’t even in the picture zone. If it is a problem, they’ll give you a surgical that doesn’t have a metal part. I’ve also had an MRI recently and that’s what they did. Also, remember that you are only in close contact with the person for maybe 30 seconds as they move your body around.

  30. If you’ve been dating someone for less than 6 months – how often do you meet and what do you do?

    I’ve been dating someone for about 3 months and we meet almost every weekend (except if one of us is out of town, weddings, family trips, etc) and during the week after work if possible. Right after work its usually just a drink at a bar or takeout at one of our places although I’m not a huge fan of the latter – feel like it can turn into a “gardening” call too easily or at least feel like that.

    I’ve realized I love planning dates. Nothing crazy, its just an outlet for my inner travel agent and how much I like to look up restaurants and bars etc. He plans them too, but I usually end up telling him about restaurants or events anyways and then he takes it from there.

    Things we’ve done on weekends include: live music show, old fashioned ice cream parlor + bowling, farmers market + beer pub, etc

    1. In my past relationships, three months has been when things start to settle down and not every date is an elaborate one. But I generally prefer the part where you’re comfy just hanging out at the other person’s home.

    2. We’re at 2.5 months and have a rhythm of:
      Midweek trivia night at a local pizza place, followed by sleepover and gardening.
      One of the weekend afternoons/evenings we go out in town, or we go out and then I cook, followed by sleepover and gardening.
      He has flatmates and I don’t, and he lives much closer to the pizza place, so we tend to go to his midweek and to mine at the weekend.
      Next week there is a gig I have a pair of tickets for on our regular trivia night so we will go to that instead. And every date of ours has included a sleepover since date 3 so I’m aware this may be unusual!

    3. I mean, in a new relationship I could never keep my hands off my partner, so my preference was actually a “gardening” call – start with that, then go do dinner or a movie or bowling or whatever, then come back and do it again!

    4. As much as possible (1 month in). We love spending time together and it ranges from pjs on the couch watching a movie to a nice dinner out or meeting friends at a brewery or the day care fundraising gala or take out on the couch. Lots of gardening.

      My top love language is quality time, so for me it doesn’t matter what we do as long as we are doing it together. I do love planning dates but don’t necessarily feel the need to, if that makes sense.

  31. I just feel blah a lot. No particular reason. Sure I have my share of work irritatations and personal issues, but none of which are solely responsible for just feeling blah. What do you do when you’re feeling blah?

    1. The only way out is through. I remind myself that it gets better and in the meantime I try to keep up with eating healthily and exercising regularly.

    2. I feel like this today too! It’s so annoying and I don’t know what to do to feel better. It’s further exacerbated by the fact that I finished watching 1883 last night and I am sad at the ending!

    3. Exercise, sleep, try to avoid mindless Netflix binging which is so hard for me to do, but I know it always leaves me feeling worse.

    4. Sleep. Exercise. And try to avoid the temptation to snack a lot (which may just be a me problem).

    5. Get tested for a Vitamin D deficiency!!! Especially if you live in the northern hemisphere. I just found out my levels are deficient and have been supplementing for just over a week, and am shocked at the extent to which my “blah-ness” has lifted.

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