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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 554 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Elizabeth Ponte Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Boden seems to be quietly having a really great clearance sale, and it includes this ponte blazer that we included in our post on how to build a work wardrobe at Boden (and it has great reviews, too). It's down to $75 from $150, and there's a decent but dwindling number of sizes left in black and navy, with the red almost entirely sold out. Note that there's also a textured blazer in a fun imperial blue and pink for $115 (down from $230) with the same cut and two buttons, and if you prefer the single-button look, the Amelia ponte blazer also has a pretty good range of sizes left. The pictured blazer is machine washable and is available in both regular and petites. Elizabeth Ponte Blazer

Two plus-size options are here and here. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    I really want to like Boden, but the two things I have bought and kept from there (a basic sundress and the Ravello top) were big disappointments. I think the dress was too short-waisted and the Ravello top didn’t allow enough arm movement and also had these weird fabric flaps on the inside of the neckline that wouldn’t lie flat. Can anyone comment on whether there are any pieces that really work better for a petite pear? I usually like knit pieces the best, so any recommendations there would be great.

    • Anonymous

      Are you short or long waisted? I find Boden to run short waisted so much of their stuff won’t work for me with a longer waist and shorter legs (also a petite pear).

    • Anonymous

      Fun fact: The weird fabric flaps are called facings. They need to be pressed correctly in order to lie flat, which is why I don’t like having them in clothes that I am not planning to send to the cleaner’s.

      • Anon

        Hm, good to know. I thought the appeal of that top was that it was machine-washable – I guess you could probably iron them?

      • Anonymous

        I do not iron my print Ravellos, I just hang them to dry when they are wet, and the facings stay down fine for me. I do hang them on hangers when they are wet, so maybe gravity is doing the job for me? I do have to iron the solid color Ravellos – the prints camouflage minor wrinkles better. I also don’t have trouble with the sleeves, which is odd since I have broad, muscular shoulders/arms and am busty. Maybe you should try a size up? I am a bit short waisted though, so perhaps that is part of why Boden generally works for me.

        • Bluestocking

          I also hang dry clothes with facings and that works well. The facings dry where they’re supposed to be and stay there. Throwing the item in the dryer would require ironing it afterwards to get the facings in place.

        • anon a mouse

          Hanging dry gets the job done for me for prints. For solids, I will wash and then iron when wet. The heat dries the fabric.

    • Fishie

      The jackets are excellent quality with a luxurious satin lining, but I found they ran a little large.

      I steam my ravellos and send them to the cleaners only when the pits start to stink.

      • +1

        Agree with this, I love love love my Boden blazer. Great quality, and also sized down. I am 5’6″ and I loved that I did not need to shorten the arms on the jacket (frequent problem for me).

    • Anonymous

      I just bought my first Boden order, and was disappointed that a lot of it didn’t work. The pleats on the Ravello top in particular fell in a really weird way that accentuated my chest (which is not especially large).

    • Legally Brunette

      So I’m not crazy about the Ravello top either, but I have two because they work well under suits and that’s mainly what I use them for. They are a bit too boxy for my liking.

      But, I have bought some great Boden dresses. I agree that most of them hit too high in the waist, but I have found a few that did not. My most recent purchase is this one. I’ve been looking for a yellow dress for a while and I love it, although I would love it more if the waist was slightly lower.

      http://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/clearance/womens-dresses/jersey-dresses/ww277-prp/womens-wisteria-blooms-alicia-ponte-dress

      One way to get around the high waist issue is to buy the long version of a dress and then get it hemmed (Boden almost always makes a long version of every dress). I find this to be worth it because Boden quality and colors/prints are amazing.

      a

      • anon in SV

        I’m blaming you for the $600 order headed my way. Hopefully one of those seven dresses works for me.

      • Amy H.

        I am tall and very long-term, and unfortunately, this solution has not worked for me to Boden dresses, because even in the Tall sizes, they do not adjust the waist lower! It drives me crazy because I like some of their styles so much — but I have been forced to accept that I can’t wear any of their dresses unless I want an Empire waist.

  2. Anon

    We are thinking of buying a projector for our apartment. We don’t have a TV but think this would be fun for occasional movie nights.

    Does anyone have one? Any recommendations?

    • Anon

      We have one, but unfortunately, I don’t know the brand. Just writing to say that I definitely recommend getting one; they make a casual night at home feel more special. Check out eBay or newegg.com for deals.

    • ALX emily

      I don’t have one but I’d check the wirecutter recommendations if I were shopping for one.

    • sombra

      I have one, the BenQ HT1075. BenQ frequently has sales on it’s certified refurbished projectors which are a pretty good deal. Most are rentals that come with less than 10 hours on the bulb. I really like mine, but it’s set up in our basement where it’s easy to block out light. I think if you aren’t going to go all the way with black out curtains, etc, look into an epson projector as I’ve heard they are brighter.

    • Anonymous

      You can get a decent used one for very little money, especially if you just want to try it out. The replacement bulbs are expensive, so keep that in mind if you buy used. I recently sold my Epson Powerlite 51c for $50, which seemed to be the going rate on Ebay. (I had bought it for an art project in grad school and just wasn’t using it – we have a TV and rarely actually watch movies at home). Brightness is measured in lumens, so look at those specs if your space won’t be pitch dark – that is probably the most likely thing to impact your viewing experience.

    • Anonymous

      We bought a cheap one from Amazon (along with a portable movie screen) to do outdoor movies in the summer in our backyard.

      Then, my work went through a de-accessioning of electronic equipment and I was able to buy a really powerful projector, meant for office use, for $25. It came with an extra bulb, so it should last us awhile. Our IT guy told me that older projectors come up for sale on Craigslist all the time.

      I definitely recommend getting a more expensive (read: brighter) projector as it makes a difference with how the picture looks, in a big way. Especially if you are going to use it outside.

      I love having our outdoor movie setup (along with the screen and the projector, we have a set of computer speakers with a subwoofer; we plug one of our laptops into the projector). Every kid in the neighborhood shows up when my son says we’re having movie night – it’s been a lot of fun.

  3. Anonymous

    Anyone bought anything from ShopSpring dot com? I’m looking at a dress there but have never heard of the site so am a little wary. They have free shipping and free returns which is a big plus in my book.

    • Anonymous

      It’s legit- brands pay a very small fee if their products are purchased through Spring. I have an entrenched antipathy for Spring because I’m in the start up world and I think they’re one of those companies that are way more flash and PR than an actual sustainable business model or substantive product. Which won’t necessarily affect your purchasing experience, it’s just a personal vendetta I have against companies that get way more funding than they ought to because their founders are slick. [grumble]

      • Anonymous

        Huh, yeah, it’s curious. I went ahead and placed the order, then got a confirmation from the brand themselves. Seems worth it to me at least since the brand website doesn’t have free shipping but Spring does!

    • NOLA

      I bought one thing from there – a pair of SJP pumps that were a better price there than anywhere else. I haven’t bought anything since, but just because nothing has come up.

  4. LondonLeisureYear

    My London time is ending – and we are soon moving to New York. Can anyone recommend a broker they used? We are going to be looking for a place in Brooklyn. Thanks!

      • Cornellian

        I would also un-recommend Halstead. They ended up placing me and a friend (separately) in to rentals where we ended up suing our landlords for pretty egregious stuff.

      • LondonLeisureYear

        Haha! The name is a bit outdated. I did take our first year off here not working – mostly wedding planning but since then I have been in school through a program in the USA. So I will continue that when we are back in the USA.

    • Anonymous

      To buy? If so, DeAnna Lenheart at Brooklyn Hearth, especially if you are interested in the greater Ditmas Park area.

      • LondonLeisureYear

        Thanks but yah looking to rent. This move is probably for 2-3 years again just like London.

        • Anonymous

          Honestly, I never used my own broker for renting. Most rental buildings have their own brokers you have to use, so I think you could end up with 2 realtor fees, which if you are only staying 2-3 years would be outrageous. I am on a much lower budget than many here though so perhaps this is done more with higher end rentals. I always just searched on craigslist and made my own appointments to see things.

          • Cornellian

            Agreed, generally, but if you’re renting from another country, not having a broker can be hard. The only time I used a broker for a rental was when I was blindly renting in Manhattan while living in Texas.

          • LondonLeisureYear

            I think part of the reason is we would like to move into a place as fast as possible, and we thought a broker would speed it up. All our stuff is arriving from various corners of the world and it needs to go into an apartment because the insurance that covered the items being shipped cancels the moment it goes into a storage center (all that wonderful fine print!). My husband also is headed on various work trips a few weeks after we arrive so our window to search together and then window to move in while he is around to help is tiny. Having never lived in New York I am also a bit clueless on everything. Fun times!

          • Anon

            My impression is that at least for some of the buildings in Manhattan, having a broker is essentially required to even get in to see the apartments before they are gone. My sister and a bunch of her friends moved into NYC within the past 3 years and every single one of them used a broker. Unfortunately I don’t know which one (and she is now moving to Denver, which is happily a broker-free market!)

          • AIMS

            The brokers split the commission; no one pays both brokers (unless LL is paying something but that’s not a problem for the OP). There may be advantages to dealing with someone directly (they don’t have to split commission) but if you’re abroad, I think having your own broker is more important).

    • Anonymous

      Heather McMaster at Corcoran (she does sales, but there is someone on her team who deals exclusively with rentals – I just don’t know that person’s name). I used Paul Zumoff at Rutenberg for my current rental.

  5. Has anyone seen my black skirt?

    I am on the hunt for a really simple a-line black skirt that’s at or, ideally, just below knee-length. This sounds so simple! But everything I’m seeing in stores or online has ruffles or bows or a paperbag waist for some reason. Do y’all have any leads? TIA

  6. doormat?

    Over the last few weeks I’ve had several experiences where people will blatantly cut in front of me in line at the drugstore, refuse to pull up to the forward gas pump and thereby block me from getting gas, etc. I am afraid to tap the horn or say “excuse me, I was in line” because I figure that that a person who would purposely be so rude would also be the type of person to turn it into a violent confrontation. Am I the only person who gets walked all over like this? Should I start standing up for myself, or is that just asking for trouble?

    • Anon

      > I figure that that a person who would purposely be so rude would also be the type of person to turn it into a violent confrontation.

      I actually agree with your reasoning. Trust your gut of course but when it’s a question of safety it matters more to avoid violence than to stand up for yourself, I feel. Or at least that’s what I tell myself when I want to tell off creepy guys but realise if they are unhinged enough to press against me/ stare unabashedly they’ll be unhinged enough to assault me or follow me home if I’m “difficult”…IDK.

    • CountC

      FWIW, I stand my ground in these types of situations and I have never had one turn into a violent confrontation. Even in the worst parts of my town. You might get some attitude, but I’ve never had anyone move to anything more than that. That’s obviously not to say it couldn’ happen, but I think a violent reaction to someone saying, excuse me, I am in line, is rare.

      I recommend making yourself “bigger” while you are out and about. Take up space, don’t shrink back! You have just as much right to be there as everyone else!!

      • doormat?

        Thanks. What is really weird is that at work I have a reputation for being a hard-a$$ who can handle any situation and takes no guff from anyone. But I guess I am not nearly as imposing standing in line at CVS wearing shorts and flip-flops as I am in a sheath dress and high heels in front of a roomful of people where I am the expert.

      • Anonymous

        I tend to do this too, but always with a big smile and a purposely sing-songy voice, and I always start it with “I’m so sorry, but you [insert awful thing].” It hasn’t not worked yet.

        • CountC

          Yes, good point. I am always polite about it. I think if you come out of the gate aggressively or in a confrontational manner, that puts the other person on the defensive immediately. If you approach it calmly and politely, that goes a long way IMO/IME.

    • Fishie

      I often just matter of factly and politely say, “excuse me, I think I was next.” Most people are amenable to that. They’re all just doing their own thing, probably not thinking much about you but if you make them aware most of the time they’ll say, “oh sorry” and step aside.

      But, yes. Trust your gut. If someone is acting hostile or aggressive, just let it go.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s a really big leap to assume someone who cuts you in line will stab you if you say anything. “‘Scuse me, I was in line” is an ok thing to say. You won’t get shot.

      • Linda from HR

        It’s not necessarily a fear of being killed, let’s not assume that’s where the OP was going here.

        • Anonymous

          Then what is she afraid of? Rude words? Gonna have to get over that if that’s the actual fear.

          • Pompom

            There’s a world of options between “rude words” and “being killed.” Let’s give the OP the benefit of the doubt and respect her fear. I doubt she’s so dainty as to believe that getting a gruff word or two counts as violent.

      • Excuse me...we are in line

        I said this nine months pregnant when a group of teenagers broke in line at a bagel shop. They immediately moved to the back of the line and one said, “Wow. She must REALLY be hungry.” Did I mention I was huge?

    • Linda from HR

      “I figure that that a person who would purposely be so rude would also be the type of person to turn it into a violent confrontation.”

      That’s more or less why I won’t speak up. I once told a man who’d cut me in line that he had, in fact, cut me and that I was next and it got ugly fast. Some people, for whatever reason, feel entitled to be rude because, I dunno, they work really hard or life wasn’t fair to them or whatever, and fork everyone who tells them how to behave, they do what they want g-darnit!

      If I’m having a bad day, I’m done putting up with people’s bullshirt and feel like I’m all out of forks to give, I’ll speak up. But often, I’ll choose feeling safe over being “right.”

    • Anon

      It depends on whether it’s a man or a woman being rude. I don’t fear that a woman will get violent (maybe yell, but not physically violent). In the Bay Area, people pull out guns far too frequently and I would definitely hesitate to call a man out for bad behavior at an outdoor place like a gas station. I would probably say “Excuse me, I was next” at the bank, though.

      • anon

        Ugghhgh this drives me crazy. (Not a criticism of you, because it totally makes sense, just general frustration). I constantly see men force their way onto city buses without paying, and the drivers are too intimidated to do anything about it. But if a woman tries it, the driver will force them off the bus, yell at them, whatever. So men basically can get a free ride, and they know this and take advantage of it.

      • blueberries

        Where in the Bay Area do you see so many guns? I’ve lived around Palo Alto for a long time and I’ve never seen anyone with a gun who wasn’t in law enforcement.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t live in NYC, right? In a drugstore, I would probably say firmly, “excuse me, I was waiting,” as though I thought they might have not noticed me. But I do sometimes avoid confrontation if someone seems a bit off.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      For the gas pump, I think some people don’t even realize they should pull up. I wouldn’t honk, but I’d get out when they get out and say “hi, would you mind pulling up? Thanks!” In a store it totally depends.

    • tribble

      Absent evidence to the contrary, I assume that people are clueless, not intentionally rude, and I treat them accordingly. The response is usually, oh gosh I’m sorry I didn’t realize!

    • Anonymous

      I live across the street from a piano teacher in a street parking neighborhood. One day recently, I got home from work with my kids (3x daycare age, so tons of stuff and an infant to schlep) and someone was sitting in her driver’s seat looking at her phone and parked just close enough to my husband’s car that I couldn’t squeeze my minivan in next to the walkway to my front door. There was ample space behind her in front of my neighbors’ house, since they weren’t home yet. I literally only needed another couple feet, so thinking this was not a big deal at all, I hopped out of my car mid-failed parallel park and asked cheerfully if she could please back up a bit so I could park in front of my house.

      Woman started moving, I thanked her and started back to my car… and then she rolled down her window the rest of the way and screamed that she lived near a synagogue and she never got to park in front of her house, and I wasn’t entitled to a parking spot, there was a fire hydrant behind her (yes, but pretty far back. and you’re still in your car! If you see a fire, move), she wanted to park on my side of the street because it was in the shade and I could just as easily park down the street where there was plenty of room. I wasn’t afraid of piano-student-mom, but I was shocked that she went from zero to crazy so quickly and over something so minor. You just never know with people. (I was not the bigger person in that situation, I snapped right back at her and she ended up leaving in a huff and driving around the block before she came back for her kid.)

      I stand up for myself in line at the store in an “excuse me, the line is over here, and I was next” way, but I wouldn’t call anyone out at a gas station. I’m fairly convinced that something about cars makes people lose their d@mn minds, at least in my metro area.

        • Anonymous

          ha. Not to feed trolls, but explain to me how this is different than the original example of someone not pulling up at a gas pump. In both cases, one person is inconvenienced by someone being clueless, and other person could make a really minor adjustment and make that person’s day better. Isn’t this, in a general sense, something we do to be polite all the time? Turning your car on and moving it a couple feet is a non-event in time and effort. But like I said, cars make people nuts.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I so hear you. I once had a woman go from zero to crazy in record time over her (incorrect) perception that I had “stolen” a parking spot from her at Costco. She was not even the driver. Her boyfriend looked mortified throughout our exchange.

        I finally asked her if there was someone I could call to help her since she was having an “extravagant emotional overreaction” to this minor issue…do not do that. It did not help.

      • anon

        In traffic once (approaching Bay Bridge from City streets)

        Driver in car in next lane honks at me and gestures to roll down window. I do so

        Driver: how do I get to the bay bridge
        Me: you’re in the right lane. Just go straight ahead
        Driver: ok thanks

        1 minute later another honk, another roll down your window gesture I do.

        Driver: F&&@ YOU, YOU FAT B$&@&

    • Annony

      Most of the time you’re probably okay to push back. But… the local Target near where I work recently had a parking lot rage (yep, not road rage but parking lot rage) shooting where a woman shot a man after neither wanted to get out of each other’s way in the parking lot. Sounds crazy, but I’d rather be safe than to deal with crazies.

    • AnonyM

      I would probably trust your gut. I had a man get out of his car and physically threaten me once for not turning right on red. Ever since then I’ve been a little bit more leery about confrontations with people I don’t know. I can definitely see someone doing something similar at a gas station. People are crazy.

    • Pj

      How I handle it depends on the sulituation. However, being in Texas with open carry, I am less likely to confront someone.

  7. Anon

    Any academic ‘rettes here? I am writing my first paper this summer and I sent my draft to my supervisor for review. My supervisor made a lot of comments that made sense to me. He also forwarded the draft to a peer of his (they work together often and he is also an expert on the topic I am writing about) for further comments. He forwarded to me the peer’s comments and if I actually implement his recommendations the paper will look nothing like we discussed (I have never talked to the peer myself). Therefore I am afraid of actually making the changes. However I am far from qualified especially compared to them, but I don’t want my supervisor to be surprised when I send him the revised version. What should I do?

    Sorry if I’m overthinking this and I should just email him to clarify the peer’s comments…I haven’t even started my Masters yet and they are both Professors so maybe I should just implement the changes and not question anything?

    • Cornellian

      I’ve only done a MA and JD (no PhD) but I suspect your supervisor forwarded you the thoughts from his colleague without looking at them, and expects you to sift through them and implement where appropriate. I think it’s fine to go back to your supervisor and say “[Peer] recommended reordering the chapters like this/focusing on X/removing the section on Y, but I’m not sure that makes sense in light of Y…”, but as you get more senior, you will have to make more judgment calls yourself. My pet peeve working with undergrads was when they came to me with questions that they hadn’t put any thought in to. So long as you critically read through the comments and think about how they would fit and have concrete questions that show you’ve spent time and effort, I think you’ll be in good shape to ask your supervisor.

      • Professor

        Yes, this is key- I want my students to think critically about the comments and then come prepared to discuss them. Don’t just ask questions without thinking about it at all before hand!

      • Anon

        Thank you! I emailed my supervisor with specific questions (“if I change X then Y won’t make sense anymore but I could do Z instead?”). Hopefully he comes back to me with advice.

    • Cb

      That’s normal for academia – recently received a review back which could be summed up as “this is how I’d write this paper…” If we incorporated those changes, it would be an entirely different paper. When I peer review, i offer extensive feedback but it is up tp the authors on how they’d like to incorporate it. I’d pick a few key things and talk to your supervisor about how to incorporate their advice.

      • Anonymous

        This also happens all. the. time. at conferences – people will ask questions after a paper presentation that are really “why didn’t you do X and Y and make it into a totally different project that better reflects my interests?”

        It’s legit in that context to note that their suggestions are “outside the scope of the paper” and that might be useful for you here. If some or all of the suggestions your advisor’s colleague are offering are really and truly not *about* what your paper is focused on, you might keep track of them (special highlighter color, specific list, whatever) and set them aside as food for thought down the line. Maybe the feedback will spark something for you later.

    • Professor

      Just ask your advisor to talk about it. The absolute last thing you should be learning as a grad student is to not question anything (unless your advisor is one of those a**holes that can’t stand being questioned, in which case you should run fast in the other direction). It’s not inconceivable that he just passed on the comments and hasn’t even read them closely, so be prepared with a list of specific things that would lead to major changes and try to resolve each one.

      • Anonshmanon

        that said, it is not unsusal in my field, for a paper to change significantly between initially discussed vision and final manuscript.
        Also, you are not far from qualified, this is typical imposter syndrome self-talk. You are inexperienced, yes, but your supervisor has decided that you should take a stab at this. As everyone else was saying, implement the comments that make sense to you, figure out what exactly is the problem with the rest. The colleague might have misunderstood something, that’s your chance to write it more clearly. They might personally be more interested in some tangential aspect and for that reason suggest major changes. You can brainstorm it all with your supervisor, just make sure go in with a suggested course of action.

      • anon

        +1 Don’t email your advisor. Ask for a meeting, and go in prepared to first summarize the comments, and then lay out a well prepared argument for why it doesn’t make sense to fully incorporate them. It will also be very helpful if you have a list of any comments/suggestions from the peer that you CAN incorporate, as a face-saving move (because depending on their relationship, it may not look good for your boss to reject everything the peer has said). But for gods sake don’t do it by email.

        • Anon

          Oh sh*t I already emailed him. The reason I did this is because he goes back and forth between countries weekly. I only emailed about one of the elements of feedback that the peer provided so it’s not like I dissed all his comments or anything. Still, yikes. Should have waited. Thanks for the insights still and I’ll definitely do it in-person for the rest of the comments then!!

          • HQB

            Email is completely fine. I had two advisors who weren’t always on exactly the same page so I have a lot of experience with this. Emailing to discuss how to incorporate feedback/ which feedback to incorporate is absolutely 100% normal (unless you have an advisor who hates email or something). Especially since your advisor travels a lot. Do not worry even a tiny bit about this.

          • Sarabeth

            You’re overthinking this a bit. Email is fine, although in-person meetings are more efficient for stuff like this (in my experience). Totally normal to get different feedback. I always tell my grad students that there are probably 5 different papers that they could write based on their data/research. A lot of the work that we do is about figuring out which of those papers has the most to offer – most interesting question, contributes the most new knowledge to the field, etc.

            Ideally you go into this meeting (or email) able to say something like: ‘As I understand it, the major feedback I got from you is X. The major feedback I got from the other reader was Y. Here is why it doesn’t seem possible to do both of these things in this paper. Here is my own opinion of the most effective route forward, taking into account both sets of feedback [this can be X, or Y, or some combo, or something that is totally different but addresses the underlying issues that each identified. You just need to be able to justify it]. Here is how this feedback might shape my future work [ie, something like: Y is outside the scope of this paper, but would be a useful question to investigate in another chapter of the dissertation.]. What are your thoughts?

          • anon

            Oh dear, I didn’t mean to make you worry with my advice not to email. It’s not like emailing is wrong or bad – this situation will be fine!

            Think of it more as good advice for the future, for several reasons: (1) It’s more efficient – you can work out a minor misunderstanding in 10 seconds rather than an entire written back-and-forth; (2) It’s good practice. I find students today to be uncomfortable with face-to-face discussions, but that’s a hugely important part of functioning effectively in academia (and even more so in corporate settings; (3) It’s a very important lesson to learn to never write anything in an email that you wouldn’t be thrilled to have another person see. I’ve seen it happen a million times: You write a semi-innocuous but accurate comment like “I think Prof. X didn’t fully grasp my point in the second paragraph, so it wouldn’t make sense to incorporate that suggestion.” 35 emails later in the thread, your advisor decides to copy Prof. X on the thread for a stupid reason like making sure that he has your contact info. Then you are terribly embarrassed that Prof. X may have seen the negative thing you said about him.

  8. Anon

    Random question time:
    If a friend/relative called up right now and said “Hey our flight got rerouted to your town and are stuck, can we spend the night?” Is your house clean enough right now to host? Would you have to run around cleaning?

    Do you feel comfortable having people in your home without warning? Is it clean enough typically for that?

    Are you cool with them seeing the mess of your ordinary life or do you always feel the need to do a bit of a pre clean before people come over?

    Are you this way with everyone? Or do close friends/immediate family go under a different category?

    Do you clean more if your parents are coming into town or less? In-laws?

    • Anonymous

      If I’m accommodating someone in an emergency like this, they’ll just have to put up with me and my house, warts and all!

      • Anonymous

        Yep. I might try to tidy up some obvious issues / the common spaces and give the bathroom a quick wipe, but it’s not ready-to-entertain clean. When there is a planned visit, I do clean up more.

    • Anon

      I 100% need at least 5 minutes warning to do a quick tidy before people come over…and this drives me crazy. I wish I could be one of those low key people that was like “my door is always open!” My parents always have people showing up without warning (we were just in the neighborhood!) and my mom is always ready for that…and I don’t know if I could ever be that person.

      I am one of those people that tidies for the cleaner. GRANTED I think it helps her clean better, because she is not having to move our stuff all over.

      I tend to be very clean and organized, so its not even like the house is very messy. Its just a weird comfort thing. I love to host, and often can host people without much warning but need at least like a few minutes to do a run through.

      I don’t have kids but one of the things that totally scares me about having an at home nanny is the idea of someone being in the home every day and seeing the chaos (which is not even that bad….I just am a neat freak!)

      • Shopaholic

        I think you’re me. I need a few minutes to tidy up, and I usually try to schedule my cleaner to come a few days before my mom shows up because I can never get my house clean enough for her.

        I love having friends over and I know they don’t care about my mess but I feel much better having a few minutes to just do a run through and make sure things are neat and put away.

      • potato

        My mother did this – she was catching a connecting flight in my city which was canceled. I was thrilled to get an unexpected visit but my very first thought was “Quick! Hide the booze and condoms”.

      • Anon

        Re kids and at-home nanny – the at-home nanny tidies up after the kids! That’s part of her job, and she is your employee. She needs to teach the kids to put away the toy they played with before taking out a new one, but that said my kid is terrible about doing that so the nanny ends up tidying up. I come home to a spic and span living room at least on a surface level.

    • mascot

      This has been a goal of ours to generally be ready to casually entertain/host on short notice. We normally have extra paper goods, beverages, clean linens/towels to pull out, etc. Our house stays clean thanks to weekly housekeeper visits. There may be varying amounts of clutter, but most of it can be handled fairly quickly. I prefer to clear off areas where people are congregating so we will bustle about clearing the kitchen counter of paper stacks, putting dishes in the dishwasher etc. Life is too short to worry about my friends judging me for having a messy laundry room though so we have calmed down about the whole house needing to be perfect. When we go to friends houses, I really don’t pay attention to their clutter or lack thereof. We do up our game a little when parents come to stay.

    • Anonymous

      I’m usually 10 minutes away from the house being clean enough for a friend, half an hour for mom I’d welcome anyone who just turned up though!

    • tribble

      It would depend on my relationship with them, but assuming they’re not total jerks I would accommodate them. They’re not going to care about the mess, they will just be grateful to have a place to stay.

      Ime a “normal” amount of untidiness looks something like this: mail on the table, last night’s dishes in the sink, shoes by the door, jackets/purses on the back of a chair, a glass or two on the coffee table, a throw blanket haphazardly bunched on the couch, dust in the corners, a few random crumbs on pretty much every surface in the kitchen, same with hair in the bathroom. Some of this is a matter of degrees of course – if the crumbs/hair outnumber the clean counter space then there’s a problem, but I’ve pretty much never dropped in on a friend and seen ZERO crumbs in the kitchen and ZERO hair in the master bath.

      • yep, this!

        +1 to all of this… if you’re close enough to randomly call me to ask for a place to stay, you’re also close enough to me to see last night’s dishes in the sink. I would prefer to give the kitchen counters and bathroom a wipe-down before an emergency visit, but if you literally say you’re at the front door, come on in! I might just wipe down said surfaces in front of you :) Proof of extra clean!

        • Senior Attorney

          Agree with all of this.

          I have taken to heart the recent discussions here about how people come to see me, not my perfect house. We recently had house guests for two months, during which time we re-roofed the house (huge mess), had a bathroom vanity in the living room awaiting bathroom remodel, and had the den piled high with tools from various projects. And we threw a dinner party for 12 in the midst of it all and it was great.

          • Coach Laura

            SA – that openness makes you even more admirable in my book. Kudos for being open to change.

      • anon

        My husband’s 30 something cousin and wife asked to crash with us once in a similar situation.

        I said, sure come on over.

        They showed up around dinner time. I said “we are having stew, join us!” The cousin said “I hate stew,” the wife said “I’m vegan,” the cousin then said, “we are on vacation, we don’t want to eat stew,” and long story short we had to take them out to dinner. And we ended up picking up the check because neither of them reached for it.

        They’re not welcome here again. In fact, they’be tried and we have said it’s not a good time for us.

        • Solo

          Ugh I hate rude vegans. They give the rest of us a bad name. I would have politely asked for whatever can of beans you had in the pantry and two pieces of toast.

        • Anonymous

          Ugh, rude guests that you don’t know well are the worst. I once had a friend and her husband stay with me on short notice. My friend and I are close, but I don’t know her husband as well. My friend was great, but her husband complained about everything.

          For example, I had two bottles of wine — one white, one red. We all prefer red. When the red was gone, he complained that my friend and I had been drinking red because there would have been enough for him to have two full glasses of red if we had drank the white instead.

          He complained that my apartment only has one shower in it because we had to “wake up earlier” to shower in the morning (never mind that I was taking time off work to “wake up early” and show them around the city).

          He truly complained about every. single. thing. possible. (my snacks weren’t the ones he prefers, we walked more than he is used to, my living room is small, etc.)

          If they ask to come back, I will say it’s not a good time. My friend would always be welcome to stay with me, but if he is coming, they can get a hotel.

          Generally, though, I am down for people to “just swing by” if I am home. Entertaining with a little clutter doesn’t bother me, especially if someone had an emergency come up.

    • Linda from HR

      Right now, my apartment is clean enough to host, and I’m trying to improve my cleaning/organizing habits, so hopefully I’ll get to a point where it’s always ready for guests. I may tidy up a little, but I’d be more focused on making sure they have a towel and enough blankets.

      That said, I’m not comfortable hosting overnight guests unless I know them well and trust them to be good guests (you’d think that anyone would be nice if someone is helping them in an emergency, but I’m cynical). I’ve had bad experiences . . . so depending on who it was and depending on their means, I might say “I can’t host you here right now, but I can help you find a hotel and maybe we can get drinks.”

    • Anon

      I don’t really understand why people would even ask this if they’re not close friends (i.e., people you probably wouldn’t care about showing a messy house to anytime). I would definitely rather stay in a hotel than inconvenience anyone at the last minute or make them feel obligated to help me out. I guess it depends on your relationship.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I think this is a socio-economic status thing. I would likely just get a hotel too, now, but I traveled when I was younger without $200 to spare for a hotel where I would have had to either stay with friends or in the airport. Also, many of my friends would welcome the chance to catch up.

      • Linda from HR

        Cultural thing. There are definitely people who have a very open door approach to guests, and say to basically everyone “let me know if you’re ever in town, you’re always welcome to stay with me.” For younger folks, especially those in artist circles where money is really tight, letting people crash with you as an alternative to a hotel is very common and practically expected, there’s a sort of “friends don’t let friends pay for hotels” mentality.

        A lot of Christians believe in hospitality, that taking some in when they’re in need is the right and moral thing to do, and being really good at hosting is super important to them. Wouldn’t surprise me if it’s also a regional thing (warm and friendly south/midwest vs. the “cold and rude” northeast).

        Which often makes me feel conflicted on my own boundaries around overnight guests. If I don’t know you, I’m not comfortable with you being in my home overnight, while I’m asleep, and I don’t know what kind of guest you are. How easy are you to feed? Are we all gonna sleep or are you hoping to stay up until 3AM drinking? Are you gonna leave first thing in the morning, or am I gonna be a host and tour guide until the mid afternoon?

        I once had a friend (maybe more of an acquaintance, now that I think about it) crash with me for a track meet, and I didn’t realize until she got here that she’d come a whole day early so I would show her around Boston, and then built in some time after her meet so we could keep hanging out. I barely knew her! I was completely, physically and mentally, drained by the time she left.

        • cbackson

          I have never found Christians any more likely than anyone else to be up for hosting random guests.

          • Anon

            +1 especially random refugees. No room at the inn….or our house…or our country seems to be more the attitude from many Christians these days.

          • Anonymous

            Hmm, these are really kind of offensive comments. I don’t think you would make similar sweeping statements about Muslims or Buddhists or really anyone else.

          • cbackson

            Well, I’m a deeply devout Christian and I’m comfortable making the sweeping statement that I haven’t noted the concept that Christians are inherently more hospitable than anyone else to be true. That’s only offensive if one is offended by the concept that Christians might be just as variable in their degree of hospitality as any other religious community.

        • AK

          Don’t host people if it freaks you out, but most people will help out family and friends if they were stranded by a flight mishap. It might mean that they end up sleeping on my sofa or camping air mattress, but that’s a lot better than the floor at Logan.

          What you described was an acquaintance’s planned visit gone awry. It probably could have benefited from better communication on both sides or you declining the original request so they could figure out other options.

          I’ve never found a friend’s religious background to have any impact on whether or not they would host guests. Many other cultures also place a high value on hospitality – it’s not a characteristic where one group has cornered the market.

          I’m from (and still live in Boston) and you sound like the worst stereotype of a ‘cold and rude’ northeastern person. Here if someone asks how you are, they actually are interested in the answer. If they don’t care – they won’t bother to ask!

    • Houda

      My fridge probably had weeks old food, I have 3 open suitcases scarttered around and I have random takeways boxes everywhere.
      My place is literally a health and safety hazard so if you show unannounced, I will not host you.
      As my friend you know that I barely have time to sleep, let alone put on linen spray on my martha stewart pillowcases.
      As my BFF, you will show up, eat at one of the many restuarants on my street and help me clean a spot for you to crash.
      I’m blunt like that. But my handful of friends know I am at that phase where it’s either I get 5-6 hours sleep or I sleep less but have a clean apartment.
      Maybe in few months.. I’ll get a house cleaning routine with some much needed external help.

      • ELS

        Support, Houda. I’ve been there (and this is where DH and I were, basically, for a long time prior to our resolution this year to spend more time on cleaning/outsource things).

        Now we’re a little more cluttered than I would like, but everything is basically clean all the time. It helps that there are two of us and he’s doing more now (because he, like me, likes the feeling of coming home to a clean house).

      • Linda from HR

        I highly recommend UFYH (search for it, can’t type it out here), really good advice on cleaning up a seriously messy living space and developing better habits for keeping your space clean.

        • ELS

          +1. I don’t do everything that she told me to do, but I found that breaking things up, especially initially, like she told me to do allowed me to get to a status quo that’s easier to maintain.

          • Linda from HR

            Me either. I don’t time myself for 20/10s or anything, but it helps to read their “excuses are boring” motto, and stuff like “if you have time to stare at Facebook, you have time to clean something.” It motivated me to tackle an invisible corner and throw out a whole bunch of old junk last night.

        • Anonymous

          Is it me, or is the person who runs that site a little odd? She used to be obsessed with squirting toilet cleaner in the toilet bowl every day (not actually cleaning it).

          • ELS

            You are not incorrect — she’s a little odd. But for someone who was once QUITE messy, it was a good starting point for me. I don’t read as much anymore, now that I’ve got a good routine.

          • Linda from HR

            Yeah I never got that bit of advice, on the list of stuff to do before bed. Is there a toilet cleaner you just pour in and leave long-term? The toilet cleaner I use requires some scrubbing at first, then you let it sit for 15 mins before you flush. If I forget it’s there and leave it for a long time, the whole apartment smells like toilet cleaner, which isn’t terrible, but not awesome either. Not something I wanna wake up to, anyway.

            Everyone has quirks, and some people who care about being clean might have odd quirks and get into unnecessary habits, it’s not something I judge her for. In college I used to clean the kitchen floor nearly every time I cooked, either while water was boiling, or the oven was heating, or just part of the post-cooking cleanup. In hindsight, I didn’t need to do it that often. Doesn’t mean I’m some crazy person who should never be taken seriously.

      • Houda

        Haha I just realized I am only missing uppercase to match ELLEN’s misspelling level…

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I’m a very clean person and my apartment is almost always ready. I love hosting people spontaneously, like randomly having friends over after work for a glass of wine. I would just have to make my bed!

    • cat socks

      I wouldn’t have a problem accomodating guests in an emergency situation. I’d need a few minutes to clear out a few things from the guest bedroom and make sure the bathroom was tidy.

      I think my home is generally clean enough to have people over without warning. I think most of the mess is in the kitchen if I’m in the middle of cooking or maybe didn’t do all the dishes from the previous night. It’s just daily life stuff.

      If I’m having guest over for a specific occasion, then I’ll make sure I’ve run the vacuum, cleaned the kitchen floors, bathrooms, etc.

      My parents and in-laws both live in town, so I’ve never had them stay overnight. The only house guest we’ve had is my sister-in-law who stayed for a few days. We’re very close and comfortable in each other’s houses so I didn’t feel any pressure to be “on” all the time.

    • ELS

      My house is, in the last year, always clean enough on the first floor (i.e. not the bedrooms) to feel comfortable inviting someone in. I may have a plate in the sink from last night, or my shoes by the door, but our powder room is always clean and with paper products/linens, the surfaces are tidy (except that I right now have my laptop and mail on the end table), and the kitchen and dining room are in shape for us to cook you something/make you a sandwich without having to clean.

      Now we are focusing our efforts on upstairs, and, at least right now, I would freak OUT if someone wanted to spend the night in my place without some notice. Mostly because my house is a tiny cape cod (one bedroom downstairs that we use as a workout room that has the powder room and two upstairs). The guest room is basically ready for guests (husband would need to move his guitar, etc out of there), but our bedroom is a M.E.S.S. because we are in the process of getting rid of unwanted/no longer needed clothing after dealing with stuffed closets for waaaaay too long.

      The bathroom is clean, though!

    • Marshmallow

      Yes, my apartment is clean enough for someone to just drop in in an emergency (although we don’t have a spare bedroom, so this is really hypothetical). It’s a matter of tolerance, though: right now there’s a pan in the sink, two waiting-to-be-unpacked suitcases in the bedroom, a stack of mail on my desk, and some makeup out on the bathroom counter. It’s generally clean but it’s not spotless. I like to have ten minutes at least to put away the typical clutter of everyday life and run a Swiffer around to grab stray cat hairs.

    • Anonymous

      Neat enough? Yes, always. Clean enough? I wish, but I don’t have time for that.

      • jwalk

        This is where I am as well. The house is pretty neat and I always have clean spare linens, etc. for guests. However, if guests came wearing gloves and inspected cleanliness, I wouldn’t pass. There just isn’t time.

        All that said, if a friend or family member experienced the situation above and needed a place to stay, I would absolutely host them. I’d appreciate at least 10 minutes warning to take care of the most pressing cleaning tasks, but if not I’d probably throw out a “sorry for the balls of cat hair I haven’t had time to sweep up!” and move on.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I am totally the opposite of you! Cleaner comes every two weeks and my mother comes and cleans (little OCD and she loves to clean) on the off weeks. But stuff scattered everywhere by my kid and husband…it used to bug me to the point that I did not want people to come over, but therapy has helped me let go of that. People come to see you, not your house.

      • Anonymous

        Interesting.

        I am clean but not neat. There are stacks and piles, but nothing crusty or sticky.

        • Anonymous

          How do you keep things clean if they are not neat? You can’t wipe the counter or dust the table if there is a pile of papers on it, or vacuum the floor if it is covered with toys.

          • ELS

            I was (and my husband is still) clean but not neat. I’ve become much neater out of love for a clean and tidy home. But when we were cleaning regularly, the piles would go away during the time we were cleaning, and would mysteriously reappear shortly after.

            Now we both make a more conscious effort to have things picked up and put away. It makes cleaning easier and quicker, too, as you mentioned, because we are not decluttering in order to get things clean.

          • anon.gov

            Move piles of paper, wipe, put them back. Small toys sometimes get picked up and tossed into a random toy bin. Larger toys usually end up on the couch while I vacuum and mop then back on the floor. I don’t collect many nicky knacky things and try to donate books after I read them. Most of what I do put away though are kids books.

            When I try to actually find places for stuff and put things away, people claim that they can’t find them. Proof of this was in the winter I put all the hats and mitts in a basket by the door in a spot that I thought was visibly obvious to everyone plus a PSA/shoutout: “look a place for your hats and mitts”. Kids still got sent to school without hats and mitts.

    • Lilly

      I could accommodate sudden overnight company without worrying about it too much thanks to a biweekly housekeeper. If DH and I are both super busy, there will be a mess, but it’s fairly clean underneath. My preference is spotless and decluttered and it has become somewhat of a priority for me to keep it llike that. I just feel better. I used to be messy, but the older I get, the more I want it clean and uncluttered. At the rate I’m going, by the time I’m 80 I’ll be living in a concrete and glass minimalistic box with a sofa and a bed and a capsule wardrobe. Frankly, that sounds pretty good to me right now!

      • ELS

        Are you me? I hit 30 and suddenly dust, clutter, and not having a designated place for everything started driving me nuts. I was never like that before, and was, in fact, a pretty messy kid/teenager/young adult.

        My poor husband, who is cluttery (not dirty, just leaves things on surfaces) is trying to adjust to the shock of his wife becoming a sudden neat freak.

    • Marilla

      I would need half an hour to prep a guest room for them but they could chill in the living room with a cup of tea while I handled that. We don’t have a dedicated guest room – we have an office with a daybed, and a TV room with a sofabed, so the room is not always left alone and ready for guests with a made bed etc.

      The house is not always drop-in ready but I figure anyone who’s close enough to drop in will understand that sometimes there are toys on the floor and pots that need to be washed. A lot of our “drop-in” friends have young kids too so I figure their houses/apartments are not in much better shape. If we have invited guests over for a meal I try a little harder to make sure things look good – but for e.g. people dropping in and out on a weekend I don’t worry too much about it. Like ELS I focus on the main floor and bathrooms and shut the door to the bedrooms and basement.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Unless we had just cleaned the house that day, I would want about 10 minutes to do a few quick things. (1) Scoop the litter box. My diabetic cat’s pee smells bad constantly and I’d want a fresh box. (2) Scrub the toilets. Our water leaves a nasty ring after just a few days and we’ve learned to live with it but I wouldn’t want guests to see it. (3) Take stuff off the guest bed. It’s the place I put things I don’t currently know what to do with. (4) when I had a dog that was a big shedder, dust bust the tumbleweeds. Current dog has very short hair and it is less of an issue.

      • Miz Swizz

        Dog hair is a major issue for us too. I’d also need about 10 minutes to get the kitchen tidied, but if someone was close enough to ask to crash with us, I doubt they’d expect a perfectly clean house.

    • Anonymous

      I wanted to add, it’s silly but when I clean/organize my place I always think “What would a guest think? Would a guest like this?” Even though I never have spontaneous overnight guests because my place is so small, I always have fresh linens and towels, nice soap, etc.

    • Walnut

      I have a friend who routinely drops by with minimal notice the evening before an early flight out. I usually need a few minutes notice to shove the window AC into the guest space and take a swifter duster to the side table. The rest of the house gets a five minute once over, but I don’t clean any deeper than what can be covered by swifter or a Lysol wipe.

      I used to be more concerned by the last minute drop ins, but whatever. That persons house likely isn’t the pinnacle of cleanliness at any moments notice, so why would they expect mine to be?

    • Moonstone

      You would be welcome to stay on short notice, but I would need to declutter and clean for 2-3 hours before I would feel as if the house were clean enough for overnight guests. I prefer to do a big cleaning every couple of weeks than to do some every day, and this is the downside. I’m a slob, so the pile of clothes in the bedroom, for example, doesn’t bother me but I would prefer that no one else see it. (No kids — the mess is all my own.)

    • SC

      I’d be happy to host a good friend in my less-than-perfectly-clean house anytime. If someone called, we’d spend whatever time we had doing an “emergency clean”–fresh towels if we didn’t have any clean, litter box, bathroom wipe, clean any big messes.

    • Anon

      Life is too short to worry about what my friends/relatives think of the cleanliness of my house. We have a monthly housekeeper, and I take lysol wipes to the bathrooms between if things look grungy, but that’s about it. I might pick up some clutter if I had some extra time, but probably not. My aunt is coming today on a planned visit and there are 6 unopened amazon boxes stacked by the front door, I left the dry goods part of our peapod order on the counter this morning, and last night’s dishes are still in the sink. Part of my attitude is likely helped by the fact that we have a dedicated guest room (2 actually – bought what could be a forever house because I hate moving and have dreams of paying off the mortgage, and just set up the nursery for baby 1) and a spare linen closet full of guest towels for the second bathroom, so the basics are already taken care of.

      • Anon

        Don’t know how you guys pull off having only monthly cleaning!??! I guess I am a much messier person.

        • Anonymous

          I think this depends heavily on where you live and how old your house is. For me, humidity, pollen, and an older home mean that after two weeks the bathroom is mildewed and there is a thick layer of dust on all the furniture.

        • Anon

          We both work 60 hours a week, no pets, so we aren’t really home to make much of a mess. House was built in the late 80s. We will be upgrading to 2x a month once the baby is here because my husband will be home full-time plus babies put everything in their mouths.

    • H

      I would absolutely be happy to host, but at this exact moment, I would need to change the sheets on the guest bed. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s usually picked up mostly (save for the mess of shoes by the door and a few random toys strewn about). I grew up in a messy/cluttered house so I’m pretty adamant about keeping a presentable house most of the time.

      My father in law is a total neat freak. I usually do spend a bit more time cleaning before he comes over.

    • Legally Brunette

      I aspire to be the person who has a tidy enough home that anyone would walk in with no warning. Unfortunately, our place is usually somewhat of a disaster, but not so bad that 15 minutes of tidying up won’t make it look presentable. I would absolutely let a friend spend the night on short notice, but I would also absolutely do a quick 20 minute clean to get the place in shape.

    • Anonymous

      I struggle with this because my mom, who was obsessive about cleanliness in general, would not let people come over unless our house was white-glove-inspection clean. If I invited a friend over, we would have to spend hours cleaning in preparation. Eventually, I decided it wasn’t worth the trouble and just went to other people’s houses instead of having them over. I don’t want my kids to feel like they have to do that. So I’m trying to let go of the “everything has to be perfect if people are coming over” impulse. Because seriously, most people – especially kids – don’t care.

      We have dogs, and dirt gets tramped in, and sometimes the dishwasher doesn’t get unloaded by the person who was supposed to do it, so there are dishes in the sink. We have housekeeping help every other week, but if you come to my house right before my housekeeper comes, you’re going to see dog hair, Nerf darts, empty glasses and probably some laundry that didn’t get put away. That’s life. If people can’t deal with it, they wouldn’t be invited over again.

      There were several times during my childhood when my brother and I talked about how my mom cared more about the house being clean than she did about us being happy. In hindsight, she had OCD but it didn’t feel good, to know that she didn’t care about making us miserable as long as the house was spotless. By the time we were teenagers, she was able to keep the house clean all the time because my brother and I were rarely home. It was easier to be somewhere else than it was to be home getting yelled at about leaving a bowl in the sink. I’m not going to repeat those mistakes with my kids.

      • Anonymous

        I sympathize with your struggles with your mom. Mine was the same way. I too got yelled at for a dish in the sink or something very innocuous. She supposedly loved having guests but she’d be so anxious and angry about making the house spotless beforehand, I wondered if she enjoyed hosting at all.

        I’m very tidy now as a result, but not crazy!

      • anon

        Are you my sister?

        Seriously, I’ve spent my entire adulthood deprogramming myself from meeting my mom’s standards for housekeeping. This has gotten easier the busier I’ve gotten. I have no more f&cks to give. My house is still cleaner/neater than average and I’m much more comfortable having people come over even when it’s a little messy.

      • Anon

        Surprisingly, without your edit suggestions everyone still seems to be able to answer

    • Tech Comm Geek

      My friends are divided into those who see my house in the natural state and those I clean for. If on the natural state list, you’re likely to end up helping me change the sheets on the guest bed. Those I clean for, there would be panic cleaning, but I’d still happily have you.

      Parental visits involve epic amounts of cleaning. My mother-in-law kindly custom made every window treatment in our house, re-upholstered half our furniture herself, and several key pieces were inherited from that side of the family. Her standards are well above our normal state, and my wife is still very heavy into needing to have approval from her parents. Fortunately, they visit once every couple of years, so the deep clean is needed anyways. The stress beforehand might kill me some day though.

      My mother is local but has set foot in my house 3 times (she has major religious problems with my lesbian relationship). I consider this a major perk. She openly and explicitly judges every woman she knows by how clean they keep their house. Maturity is judged by the state of your housekeeping. Not something I need in my life regularly.

    • NCYer

      My apartment is definitely clean enough, but whether I would want an unannounced visitor is a different question. :)

      [That was mostly in jest, I would of course accommodate a friend or relative for one night if the need arose.]

  9. Job Searching

    I’m a biglaw associate and I have been seriously looking for a new job for over a year. I found an online posting for a job that I think I would love and think I’m well qualified for. I’ve submitted my application through the organization’s online system but is there anything else I can do to try to get past the initial screen? I know the organization will receive hundreds of applications and I want my application to be pulled out of the stack. I don’t know anyone who works there. Would it be weird to email the head of the group within the organization that is hiring to let him/her know how interested I am? Too aggressive? Anything else I can do?

    • AB

      If there is a LinkedIn post for it, you can message the recruiter who posted it.

    • anon in SV

      Do you know anyone who knows anyone who works there (second degree connections)? Trawl LinkedIn. Is it a firm client? Consider whether the relationship partner might help you, if you trust him/her and tou really want this particular job.

    • TheElms

      Do you have any friends who know people there? I’d use linkedin for this and then reach out to your friends to see if they can make speak their friends or set up up with their friend for an informational interview.

  10. Sewing forums?

    For those of you out there that sew…can you recommend a good forum to ask questions? Ideally almost something like this s**e but for sewing. I tried Burda, but it didn’t seem very active, and the Pattern Review interface wasn’t great (but maybe I should give that another try?).

    And since I’m already on the topic, my current question is how best to store all my thread. There’s probably 50+ spools at this point, and I don’t have space to mount one of those dowel board things. They currently all sit in a small plastic “bucket” that is quickly overflowing. Any ideas?

    • Anonymous

      I have a three-tiered container from Snapware (“Snap N Stack”) with two deeper layers and one shallower layer. I keep spools of thread upright in the deeper layers and bobbins in a silicone bobbin ring, plus those weird long skinny spools of thread (lying on their sides), in the shallow layer.

    • Anonymous

      My husband sews and use to use sewing.patternreview.com a lot, but I can see why you would not like the interface. But Markie Post is a member, so maybe you should give it another try!

      My husband also has an obsession with vintage Wil-Hold plastic sewing boxes. They make some just for thread. But you can get the same kind of thing new, just look at the JoAnn’s website for thread storage boxes.

    • Mpls

      I mostly follow blogs – Lladybird is good, Diary of a sewing fanatic, the Sewaholic archives (especially for Sewaholic pattern questions).

      So, less interactive than this one is, but questions in the comments are more likely to get a response from the blogger.

      • Mpls

        I will say that if you can find an in-person class or a friend that sews, that can be REALLY helpful. For technique questions, it can be really helpful to have someone show you in person, rather than try to get a narrative answer. I have my Mom for that.

        Another great resource (one of my favorties) is the Complete Book of Sewing from DK. Talks about tools, fabrics, techniques, etc. It’s a great reference to give you language to search for videos, etc. on-line. (link in reply).

    • anon a mouse

      This isn’t exactly what you asked, but I use a basic shoe box to hold everything. And then I got these Bobbin Buddies that hold a bobbin of thread on top of the spools, so they don’t get separated.

    • Aridane

      A sewing vlog I like is sew over it youtube, –lots of tutorials and tips, as well as collette patterns blog — good tips as well. I learned a trick for keeping the bobbin and thread together years ago — don’t remember where, so I will try and explain.
      Take an elastic band and put the whole band through the inside of the thread spool while at the same time, do same for the bobbin — then when they are together, twist the elastic around the threasd to hold (I think this is easier in reality than I have probably explained.) I keep the threads together this way in a box (a body shop gift box — firm and holds almost all of them… I have lots of threads!

  11. Seattle tips

    Hi

    I will be visiting the States, specifically Seattle for a few days.

    1. What to see and do?
    2. Any Sephora lipstick recs? I only wear lipstick so that’s all I’ll buy.
    3. I’m really looking forward to going to Nordstrom. Any other shopping tips?

    • Anon

      If you want specific things at Nordstrom – buy them ahead of time and ship them to the store so they have your size and item in stock! That way you can can try it on and choose to return it on the spot if it doesn’t work.

    • Anonymous

      2. You’ll have to be more specific…you can get basically any brand at Sephora. What brands are you looking for?

      • ELS

        Also if you want shade recommendations, telling us what colors you think look best on you/your coloring would be helpful.

    • Anon

      Also if you want shade recommendations, telling us what colors you think look best on you/your coloring would be helpful.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      The suit of the week post from 5/3/17 has good recommendations for things to do/see. First comment.

    • Anon

      Bite Beauty (for actual lipsticks) and Korres (for tinted lip butters that replace balm) are my favorite lipstick brands from Sephora. They have natural ingredients, are very emollient and dont make my sensitive lips peel.

  12. Anonymous

    Is there anything I can do to make my nails less brittle? Mine are horribly soft, and consequently always look rough – nails that I don’t use very often (like pinky nails) are longer, but other nails are often broken off below the quick. Keeping them painted helps a little. Thanks!

      • BabyAssociate

        +1 I was so, so impressed. Revlon also has a cheaper version that works well too.

      • Flats Only

        Yup. Start with the small size. It goes a long way as it paints on quite thinly.

      • Marie

        +1 here, too. I recently switched to Nailtiques from Opi Nail Envy and am astonished by the improvement. No more splitting nails and breakage down to the level of normal nails.

        • Anonymous

          You should not take prenatals unless you’re TTC, pregnant or nursing. There can be very serious health consequences to taking them long term when you don’t have a fetus or baby absorbing a lot of what you put into your body. Specifically, pregnant and nursing women need way more iron than normal. If you take a prenatal long term when you’re not pregnant, you could get iron poisoning from the increased iron dose in prenatals that’s way more than you need. Take a generic multivitamin.

          • Hmm

            I’m curious your source for this? I’ve never heard of this. I’m still taking prenatals after having my kids.

          • Anonymous

            That’s a very strange prenatal then. The recommended iron dose for pregnant and nursing women is 27 mg and that’s what my prenatal vitamin has. I searched quickly for other prenatals on Amazon and all the top hits had iron too.

          • Rainbow Hair

            Yeah I am confused because couldn’t you be TTC for like… years? Without a fetus absorbing [vitamins]? I was told to start taking prenatals prior to TTC because of something something folic acid. Can you tell I’m a scientist?

          • Anonymous

            That’s the only thing that confuses me too, but I assume they’re going based on averages (something like 80% of couples conceive within six months) so I think they’re just assuming most women won’t take prenatals for that long before becoming pregnant and it’s good to build up a ‘reserve’ of these vitamins pre-pregnancy, but it’s not good to build up a reserve when you’re not expecting to be pregnant anytime soon. Personally if I were going on six+ months of TTC I’d ask my doctor if I should stop taking them I got until a positive test or take them less than daily.

          • Anon

            24 months TTC here, and been taking prenatal the whole time, with iron. No problems here and completely sanctioned by both primary care and reproductive endo.

          • anon

            Hm. My doctor advised me to take a prenatal multi containing folate whenever I’m not on birth control, just in case. On the other hand, I can’t take the ones with iron because they affect my thyroid meds, so that particular issue wouldn’t have come up.

          • Lillers

            That article is interesting. The reasoning for not taking too much folic acid makes me laugh: “While uncommon, getting too much folic acid by taking supplements can mask the symptoms of vitamin B–12 deficiency and delay diagnosis and treatment.”

            However, you probably won’t have a B12 deficiency if you are taking prenatal vitamins.

            Also, for iron, the maximum recommended amount per day is 45mg for healthy adults. Vitamins generally contain less than that because you assume people will consume iron in their diet.

            I’m a pharmacist, and I’ve seen people take insane amounts of vitamins and supplements. The only ones I would avoid in excess are vitamins E, D, E, K and iron. The other vitamins will come out in your urine if you take too much.

    • Anon

      I had horrible weak, short and brittle nails my whole life. After I had my son, they were fantastic. At first I thought it was from the prenatals, but they stayed awesome after I quit taking the prenatals. I am pretty sure the reason was that I used to bite and pick at my nails and I refused to put my fingers in my mouth after I had a baby because I was constantly changing diapers/touching bodily fluids/doing other gross stuff with my hands.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Mine get stronger and prettier when I take calcium/vitamin D like I’m supposed to.

  13. Nelly Yuki

    My SO and I are looking at e-rings and I am overwhelmed by the options and how to determine what is truly quality. Can someone recommend a good place to start? I am looking for a band with moissanite stones and feel like there are conflicting thoughts about Moissaniteco, though most of those reviews seem to be 5+ years old and since then I think there are higher quality moissanite stones (forever one). I want something simple and classic that will last but also am willing to order online to save money. We have gone to a couple local jewelers but I have been disappointed that I can’t really see in person what I’m looking for.

    • ELS

      Just my experience but: we used Moissaniteco about six years ago. We had no problems (got it when they said they’d get it to us, no issues with the ring itself, etc). It looks like the ring is more expensive now than when we got it, but I’d expect that. I am hard on rings — I practice yoga, swim, bike, etc., and the ring has held up really well. I clean it at home when I remember, but otherwise, it just kind of hangs out on my finger.

      Link to my ring: https://www.moissaniteco.com/forever-one-moissanite-petite-cathedral-engagement-ring-020ct-p-20697.html

      I got the .75ct version, since my ring size is 4.5 and I was concerned anything bigger would look weird. Now I kind of wish I’d gone for the full carat equivalent.

      • Nelly Yuki

        Thanks – I’m glad to hear you had a good experience! Did you get Palladium for the metal? I am under the impression that is more durable than white gold but not officially platinum.

        • ELS

          I did get palladium for the engagement ring, and I’ve been pleased with the result.

          My wedding ring is not diamond/moissanite, and I got it separately (sapphire eternity band, my husband’s birth stone). It’s 14K white gold, and to be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference in the way it’s worn compared to the palladium. However, I do recall the price differential from the website being minimal enough that we were comfortable with taking the chance in it being more durable, even if it ended up not being.

          YMMV, of course.

  14. Online Dating Q

    Good morning! I was wondering if anyone had online dating success stories they’d be willing to share, especially for ladies over 35 who found great partners online. I’m going to jump back into dating and know I need to expand my pool, but meeting a literal stranger as a potential romantic partner seems….intimidating?? Does anyone have any happy stories to give me hope? Or any tips for how to succeed at making a connection in real life, after being “introduced” online? Thank you!

    • Anonymous

      I have a happy story. I met my husband through the Personals (Begen Record in NJ, 25 years ago). It sounds strange now but back then, pre Internet dating really,you placed an ad or you answered someone else’s. He was one of the few I answered. I worked mostly with women then so there was not a huge availability of men in my daily life.
      We spoke by phone for several weeks, on our first meeting I found him to be very cute, we dated 5 years, now married 17, two kids, we are happy. I recommend you do the choosing (but even when I filtered men who responded to mine, I met some quality people). Do it, yes of course it can end well!
      Sending you good vibes.

    • Anonymous

      Everyone you date starts off as a stranger. Read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, it’s fantastic.

    • Anon

      I’m 35, my SO is 40, and we met on Tinder. (Yes, Tinder! And we’re both family-oriented, religious, well-educated, so it’s not entirely a hook-up site.)

      A friend of mine jokingly said it this way – good men start to come back available in their late 30s after their first marriage ends. Sure, some have baggage that no woman wants, but for others, their marriage just didn’t work out and they’re looking for that Second Time’s a Charm thing.

      My biggest advice is not to make excuses for people or search for the good or whatever. You’re looking for the person who’s perfect for you (I didn’t say perfect overall, I said perfect for you) and perfect for you doesn’t mean, “Well, he’s got this thing…” or “Maybe I could learn to live with…” Perfect for you means perfect for you and you know it. No need to convince yourself when it’s right! Good luck!

      • Online Dating Q

        Thank you for this!!! LOVED your point about the good men coming back! I hadn’t thought of that. But it’s true!!!

    • Carrots

      My dad and step-mom met online about 15-16 years ago through Yahoo personals. I know he went on a couple of dates with other people before they were serious, but I also know she made it very clear what her intentions were. My parents divorce was close to be finalized (like a matter of months – they were clearly over), but not completely and my step-mom made it very clear she wasn’t going to be messing around with that – my dad could email her again when he was free and clear. They’ve been married for 14 years this past February.

      I also met my last two BFs online. I would say have some conversation starters in your back pocket – interesting events/stories you’ve read recently, conversation starter questions you can find online (my BF asked my cousin’s wife recently what was the best thing that had happened so far in 2017 for her). Agree with Anon at 10:54 – everyone you start with is a stranger. It’s a blind date, but instead of a friend matching you, an internet algorithm did.

    • Anon

      I met my husband on match at 28. He proposed after 10 months (and asked my dad after 8 months, unbeknownst to me). Happily married for 2 years and expecting baby #1 in a few weeks. I almost didn’t go on a first date (coffee) with him because he was so enthusiastic! I’m so glad I did – that is just his personality.

      I looked at online dating as a way to meet new people with whom I could be friendly. If it went further great, but if not, there was a chance we could click as friends if not partners. I tried online dating off and on throughout my 20s, and there are a few people with whom I became friendly but were definitely not dating material (agreed on both sides). I did find I had better luck with the paid services because people weren’t there just for hookups and had made an investment, but that was before the advent of Tinder and OKCupid was still pretty sketchy at the time. My understanding from my younger colleagues is that may have changed a bit.

      I recommend not chatting online/phone too long – then you start to know too much about each other and it mutes the in-person conversation. I always did low-key casual first dates as coffee dates – it gave me a pretty quick read on whether this person was someone I enjoyed interacting with in person and was less pressure (and frankly time) than a full length meal, etc.

      • anonymous

        YES. Also met my now-husband on Match at 27 and echo all of these points. (I went even more basic than looking at strike-outs as friendship, I viewed every date as practice because I had always dated friends of friends or people from school that I knew and was a little nervous OMG STRANGERS like you. It just takes practice. Some people will be weirdos and some first dates with your later husband go on forever and the waitress has to come three times to take your order because you are too busy chatting to look at the menu.)

    • Anonymous

      My husband and I met online when I was about 30 and he was 38. I am now 40. If you don’t have a lot of free time and are an introvert, it is a great way to meet people – at least it is clear what you both are doing there. You just have to start meeting people in person. Think of it as a way to find dates more than a way to find THE ONE . You have to meet a lot of people before you will meet one you love – focus on meeting as many people as you can. Keep your expectations low, get out there, and have fun.

    • Mrs. Jones

      My husband and I met on eHarmony at age 35. So it can work, but of course, it’s a process!

    • Two Cents

      My sister met her husband when she was 36, through Shaadi dot com (an online Indian matrimonial/dating s i t e). They dated for maybe 6 months, and now have been married a decade with two beautiful kids. She was divorced and so was her husband at the time, and she initially rejected him because she thought he was too old (8 years older than her). So maybe just have an open mind and see how things go. Sending you good vibes!

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Listen to Modern Romance! It talks about the weird “meeting someone online” feeling.

    • AnonyM

      Three of my best friends are getting married this year to people they met online dating. I think you have to be patient and not expect every date to be great, but there’s a very good possibility you’ll meet a good match! Have fun and good luck :)

    • LawDawg

      My dad met his SO online and they have been together about 4 years. They met when he was in his late 70’s and she is close in age to him. There is no age limit for online dating!

    • Parfait

      Over 40 here. Was dating a guy who i met on OKCupid. That relationship only lasted a few months, but as soon as we broke it off, his friend who I’d met a few times started chatting me up. Now at 5 and a half years with the ex’s friend and still going strong.

      Even if it doesn’t work out, he might have a nice friend.

    • lsw

      Met my husband online seven years ago (we were both 30 at the time). His second marriage, my first. I feel like it was pretty easy to tell in 1-2 dates if I was into most of the guys, and it felt really low-stakes to meet people I would probably never see again.

      Also, I lol’d at that, Parfait!

      • anon

        PS second marriage for both of us. My tip is to meet in person pretty soon and don’t let things just limp along via email or messaging.

    • A positive story!

      I met my incredible SO last December via OkCupid, 3 weeks before my 36th birthday and 4 weeks before his 40th birthday. I favorited him, he messaged me asking me to post photos, and I respectfully declined to do so but invited him out for a drink. That drink turned into dinner. He then went on a business trip for 3 weeks but continued to text me on occasion and he sent me a cute children’s book for my 36th birthday (searched online property records for my address). I was *slightly* creeped out but got over it because he took things very slowly otherwise.

      My SO is not what I pictured for myself or dated in the past. He is a master builder (his clients include multiple Fortune 100 CEOs) and jack of ALL things who was raised by hippies on an island with no running water. He has a college degree in general studies from a tiny hippie college, while I have a doctorate from HYS. And he is everything that I didn’t know I needed and wanted. He takes amazing care of me and I am madly in love with him.

      Honestly, I just thought his profile was interesting and a date with him would be good “practice.” Take a chance!

      • Anonymous

        I am like you, and my dream is to find someone like your SO. He sounds perfect.

        Congratulations.

      • Online Dating Q

        Thank you for this story. It gives me hope, and maybe even makes me a little excited for the possibility of meeting someone as great as your SO! This line really resonated: “he is everything that I didn’t know I needed and wanted.”

    • Jules

      I’ve had mixed success online (I’m over 50), but it’s not impossible. I met my on-again-off-again-wonderful-man-but-with-terrible-OCD on Match (actually, re-met, turned out we knew each other more than 35 years ago!). One of my first Match dates – a really great guy, just not for me – just got engaged to someone he met online. And my sister, also in her 50s, is getting married in September to someone she met on March!

      And I second the rec for low-key coffee dates for a first meet-up. They’re more casual and relaxed, andit’s easy to get out after a short time if things don’t go great.

    • Scarlett

      Late to the game, but I’ve posted before but I met my husband online at 40 (he was 41). Neither of us had been married before, but had LTRs. We joke we skipped the first marriage & just went for the second. Personally, I think it’s easier after 40 – a lot of life is figured out & people have a better idea of what they want. My tips are: (echoing above) look for perfect for you, meet quickly (view it as online sourcing, but real life dating – if someone doesn’t want to meet quickly, they’re seeing someone else & just keeping options open), and be 100% yourself when you go out (see “perfect for you” – you’re not trying to please everyone, you’re looking for your person).

  15. cat socks

    Has anyone tried Norwex products? A consultant in our neighborhood offered to let us try the wet and dry mops for a couple of days. I like the dry microfiber mop. We have three cats and I used on various hard surfaces in the house and it does a good job of picking up hair and dust. However, if there are crumbs on the floor I have to push those all to one area and pick them up with a broom and dust pan.

    Haven’t tried the wet mop yet. It’s made of silver (I think?) and all you need is water. I currently use a steam mop to clean the kitchen floors.

    Trying to decide if it’s worth it or if there are other products that are worth getting.

    • Anon

      I used their dish drying cloth (it’s purple) at my MIL’s house and was really impressed. Even though the cloth felt damp, it was still drying incredibly well when other towels would have just been swirling water beads around.

    • AnonyM

      I like the enviro-cloth for cleaning my kitchen counter. I have an in-law that sells the stuff and I get sick of hearing about it, but I do think the cloths clean well.

    • RGH

      Is this a MLM thing? Never heard of it before – – we use Bona but looking for other options.

    • Tech Comm Geek

      I love their glass cloth for my glasses and mirrors. I do think their enviro-cloth is more effective and works better than cheaper microfiber dusting/cleaning cloths. I did not think the mops were worth it – I use a steam mop on our hardwood floors instead.

  16. in house counsel

    just want to get some outside counsel perspective on this — i’m in house counsel for a large organization and we hired an outside lawyer to assist with a project in a niche area of the law (the niche is the practice area that I worked in before going in house so, while I certainly do not have the expertise of the attorney we hired, i’m relatively facile in the area of law). The work product the attorney provided was, frankly, subpar, and I’ve needed to spend a lot of time editing the work product. If you, as outside counsel, received a heavily redlined version of your work product back from in house counsel, how would you react? (Assume that I’m not able to fire the attorney for various reasons.) Or — if you’re in house — have you had to do this? how has the attorney reacted?

    • Cat

      When I was at a firm, this happened to me once, except the in-house counsel’s redlines were totally not substantive and just made the draft look like a mess (think shall vs. will type changes). That was really irritating and drove up the bill.

      I’ve done a few significant redlines of outside counsel’s work since going in-house, and each time it’s because outside counsel was just not “getting it” (like, missing entire deal points, not wordsmithing; it was the same firm). They didn’t even act embarrassed at the level of work I had to add to their “finished product.” When I have the power to decide who to use again, it won’t be them.

    • anon

      I’m not a lawyer, just nosy and curious. Why do you care about how the outside attorney reacts?

      • in house counsel

        I guess I don’t. I’m mostly feeling uncomfortable about sending back a document that has barely any of the attorney’s work preserved.

        • cbackson

          Noooooo you are the client. They are supposed to produce something that satisfies YOU. Frankly, I’d send it back AND contact the partner responsible for the matter and let them know it didn’t meet expectations.

    • Anon

      I am in transactional M&A, so this may not be applicable. Is the redlining more because the work product was wrong or bad or incorrect? Or is it reformatting for style, etc. because your business team prefers something different? The former seems to be a serious issue to me; the latter seems like it can be solved with better communication.

      I’ve never received “corrections” back from in house counsel (other than a few missed typos in an 80+ page agreement no one’s really fussed about). And substantively I’ve never gotten corrections that something we did was wrong – just that in-house counsel wants to take another approach (e.g., more middle of the road, more aggressive, etc.). We have, on occasion gotten feedback that style or format needs to be changed because the business team needs to see something different, but usually that is something we discuss up front and if we’ve missed the mark, in house counsel tells us where and we fix it (usually too much or not enough detail, depending on the audience).

      Ultimately we’re in a service business and the customer is (usually) right. So I imagine while there might be internal grumbling if reasonable minds can differ, this is probably OK. I would have some concern though if you’re making substantive changes, and then there might be an issue presenting that as outside counsel’s work. You would want them to sign off on the changes I think.

      • in house counsel

        The work product isn’t wrong, but it also wasn’t good. It is a persuasive letter to a government agency asking the agency to confer a benefit on our organization (and, of course, persuading them to do so by showing why the organization is deserving). The original work product was 2 pages (double spaced), it began with “my name is X, I am the TITLE for the ORGANIZATION” and made blanket conclusions without providing any evidence in support (such as “ORGANIZATION is entitled to this benefit” but no explanation of why or what the organization did to deserve it). My final version is 6 pages (single spaced) with much more detail and explanation. It ultimately was just subpar work.

        • Anon

          My only thought would be to speak with regulatory counsel to see if what you’ve produced is in line with what the agency would expect to see. No experience in this area, but at least with some filings, we’ve had to talk the client down from pestering the agency while waiting for the time period because that’s only likely to get you closer unwanted scrutiny in most cases (and definitely in the case then at hand). So, consider whether outside counsel has more experience with the type of submissions to that agency that would have affected the way they drafted the letter.

          Other than that, since it’s just subpar work product in your mind, I would have no problem sending it back (and would be mortified if that’s what I had submitted).

          • MollySolverson

            I agree with this. I would send the redline and ask to have a call with outside counsel to walk through your edits. This will help you figure out if you’re on different pages about what info is necessary to include or if they just did a terrible job. And in the future, I would not hesitate to set up that call before you spend your time redoing it. If their work product is awful, they should have to fix it. If cost is a concern, ask them to write off the time they spent fixing it. This is assuming the problem here is not a communication issue about what you wanted vs. what you got. Ultimately, it is still on outside counsel to serve you and give you what you need, but making sure expectations are very clear upfront is always helpful for everyone.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I’m junior-ish, in-house, but I’m a d*mn good writer, and I spent a decent amount of time litigating before I moved in-house. I recently returned a motion to our outside counsel redlined to hell. Their grammar was atrocious to the point of incomprehensibility, paragraphs had clearly been moved around without any consideration to flow, etc. I half expected an embarrassed apology, but I just got a revision of the motion incorporating my changes. I’ll take it. (When I was at a boutique litigation firm, if my work had received a redline like the one I sent, I would’ve got a dressing down, for sure.)

    • Anon

      I’ve worked at firms and in-house. When I was in-house, I was somewhat junior. When outside counsel was not meeting our expectations, more senior lawyers had discussions with the engagement partner regarding that. Think about this–you (your company) is getting charged hundreds and hundreds of dollars an hour for work that is not right. You MUST speak up. You should ask for an adjustment to your bill too. If it’s a difference in understanding the scope or detail of the assignment, discuss that early and often. But if it’s just plain “not getting it” or sloppy work product, a firm should hear about it. Say it gently but firmly–“My company expects better from your firm.” This should be effective.

  17. anon

    I have a Roth IRA via Vanguard (chosen after seeing the multiple recs here) that I recently set up, and in the asset mix view, it shows that 100% of my contribution is in short term reserves and nothing in stocks or bonds.
    Did I miss something when I opened the account? Retirement is a few decades away so it doesn’t make sense for 100% of my contribution to be in short term reserves.

      • anon

        I guess not… would you mind explaining how to do that? I am finding this interface very confusing but want to have the recommended asset mix between stocks/bonds that Vanguard displays as the “target asset mix.”

        • Anonymous

          Try the Vanguard Customer Service line – they’ve been pretty helpful to me in the past (rolling money into my account).

          You may be able to look for Target Funds 20XX which are managed funds that shift the allocation to match recommendations for retiring by a certain date (indicated by the year). So it’s more of a set and forget, rather than having to reallocate.

          Otherwise you are having to research and select other funds. There is a robo-advisor option that can make more specific recommendations – though I may only have that because my 401k is also thru Vanguard. I don’t know if that’s generally available or otherwise accessible to anyone with Vanguard account.

          • anon

            That’s what I”ll do- thanks! I basically know nothing about investing but am trying to make sure I don’t let that stop me from saving for retirement. I like the idea of the Target Funds that shift as I get closer to retirement, so I’ll ask about that.

          • Anonymous

            The fees tend to be a bit higher than other Vanguard funds, since they are an actively managed fund, but that’s the trade off for not having to go in and check.

            Customer Service may not be able to give you advice about which funds to select, but should be able to walk you through how to select a fund. You can also ask them (or search) the site for options on getting advice.

          • Anon

            The fees are higher, but not by a lot. They aren’t actively managed in the usual sense – you aren’t paying someone to pick stocks, or even sectors – they are just reallocated on a regular schedule. If you don’t have a lot of investments, it’s probably worth the small premium. We have about $200k in retirement savings and are just getting to the point where it’s worth my time to switch to lower-fee products and do manual rebalancing.

          • lsw

            I have been really happy with the Vanguard Target Funds. I might get more active as I am older and…have more time? okay, maybe that’s unlikely, but that’s what I tell myself.

    • Anon

      Yeah, you need to add money to the account and then buy into a mutual fund or whatever want you to invest in. I did this recently and it is definitely more confusing than any other online interface I’ve used in regard to that particular issue.

    • Anon

      Which fund are you in? Is this one you chose yourself, or one option your employer gave you?

        • Anonymous

          OMG. The Roth IRA is not a FUND. A fund is a mix of equities that you choose to put the money in. By opening the Roth IRA you simply moved your money to Vanguard – now you have to invest it in something.

          Lol. And people laugh at the few people here who try to talk about the market – sounds like some need the education.

          • ELS

            You, my dear, are a jerk.

            This is why we hate it when you talk about that market — because you are sanctimonious and mock people who ask for help.

          • Spirograph

            Ugh, ignore this person, OP. We all have to learn things for the first time at some point. Good for you for taking this step with your personal finances!

            Any money you don’t have in a fund will automatically sweep into this short-term reserve as a default. It’s basically saying this is the cash you have available to invest. So, for example, if you’re making monthly contributions to the account, the money will sit in short term reserves until your monthly order to buy shares of XYZ goes through. If you invest in something that pays dividends and you are not automatically reinvesting them through a dividend reinvestment plan (DRiP, which you should probably set up), the dividends will also be added to your short-term reserve.

            Definitely call their customer support, and they’ll help you get started.

          • Lilly

            (1) I am glad I don’t know you IRL.
            (2) I am finding this informative, as my retirement is a 401(k) through work and a very stable state pension. I have begin to think about doing some personal investment and starting out easy, and I like this thread.

          • cake batter

            You’re literally awful. Does it make you feel good about yourself to make fun of random people you don’t know? ffs

    • Anon

      Vanguard has a holding account where all your money goes until you direct it to investments. Your money is probably still in that holding account.

        • anon

          Good to know, I’ll simply give them a call and hope that gives me a better understanding of what to do with my money after the monthly deposit from my bank.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            One other thought. Even after the money goes into the settlement account and you purchase your investment, they hold that investment in short term reserves until the money clears completely. When you login it will say something like you have shares on hold. I’m new to this too and just figuring it out.

    • Anonymous

      Good for you for opening an IRA.

      If I am understanding you, your knowledge of what an IRA is and what it is composed of is ….. nil. That’s ok. It’s a learning curve. But once you open an IRA, I think what you have done is simply opened an account. Inside that account called ROTH IRA your money will sit until you decide what you want to buy. I agree with one of the Target Retirement funds right now, while you do a little learning.

      Maybe buy a book about basic finances/investing? I think the Boggleheads one is good. One even more user friendly is the one by the woman who does all the infomercial/educationals on public television….

  18. Deckled Edges

    Has anyone here used a personal shopper/stylist before? Any tips to make the most of their services? After nearly 5 years of pregnancy and nursing, I’m treating myself to some time with a personal shopper. My body has changed so much and I’ve pretty much only bought maternity and nursing wear for the past few years. I feel like my wardrobe needs a complete overhaul and update. I’ve never worked with a personal shopper before, so I’m not sure how to best prepare and how to make sure we use our time together as wisely as possible.

    • Anon

      I think its a weird balance of knowing how much to let the person push you out of your comfort zone – its good to try new styles! But also knowing yourself and knowing what you will realistically wear and what feels like you. I once got bulldozed by a stylist – caught up in the moment, she was telling me all my old stuff was bad etc. But she didn’t really know my life. I thankfully was able to return all the items to later that week and felt really happy that I hadn’t taken off tags etc but it was still a huge waste of money to use her time wise. I guess just really interview the person you are hiring before hand well and just a few pieces to begin with and seeing how easy it is to add those into your wardrobe before jumping into the complete overhaul.

    • In-House in Texas

      I did this. I think the best way to prepare is to go through your closet and purge as much as you can. You don’t want to spend the stylist’s time (and your $) by purging things you know need to go. The things that you’re iffy about, leave them to ask her. But get rid of things you know need to go because of style or fit. Also, be prepared for it to take several sessions. When I met with my stylist, she had me try on EVERYTHING, which takes time. At first I fought her on it, but it makes sense because some pieces I thought I loved and thought looked good on me really didn’t. And I needed her to point that out to me. For example, I always thought “curvy” pants fit me, but they didn’t. And I have a ton of them. Also, after about 3 hours, I was tired and needed to stop. So she had to come back several times to get through my wardrobe. But she took photos of me in every outfit, which I love because I just scroll through my phone for what to wear. During these visits, my stylist kept a running list of what I needed, like a plain navy skirt, and oddly enough, I had no flat shoes. All of my shoes are wedges or pumps and I needed some flats to wear with ankle pants, etc. So she kept a list of those kinds of things. Oh, and she also helped me accessorize, which I’m terrible at. After our time in my closet, we went shopping. What I loved was that she went ahead to the stores and pulled things she thought I’d like or needed. So that saved a ton of time. I almost exclusively shop online so that thought of going to a brick & mortar store to shop didn’t appeal to me just because of the time.

    • Two Cents

      I have used a few over the years with varying levels of success, all after having kids and wanting to get more cute clothes. It was most successful when I had specific requests (for example, I told my stylist I wanted a few pairs of skinny jeans and some comfortable but cute flats for walking). It was less successful when I told her more generally that I wanted “casual clothes”. She then gave me a bunch of blousy oversized shirts that just looked terrible on me. So my suggestion is to try to be as specific as you can. Also tell her in advance if there are certain clothes you don’t like (like cold shoulder tops or lots of ruffles or all black, etc.).

    • Spirograph

      I did this (at Nordstrom) for exactly the same reason. I’d purged a bunch of clothes anyway, but I didn’t do any other prep other than filling out the survey they sent to me. I apparently didn’t know my current size, and I wasn’t very helpful on the “what are your favorite brands” question because I haven’t shopped in so long. The stylist took it from there. It is literally their job! Just go prepared to give honest feedback on the stylist’s choices. Try everything, but be direct about things you’re not comfortable in or don’t fit your life, even if the stylist thinks they look good on you.

    • anon

      Be really clear with the personal shopper about what occasions you are dressing for – business’s formal, business casual, weekend wear, travel, etc

      And be really up-front about your budget.

      Only buy things that you feel great in. Not things that the shopper is oohing and aahing about.

      If you feel great in it don’t worry too much about the price.

    • Amy H.

      Wardrobe Oxygen (blog) recently did a three-day series of posts on working with a stylist that I thought had really useful advice. This was for a specific trip and set of events but I think you could get good takeaways about maximizing the time you’re paying for.

  19. The Librarian

    The post the other day about book rec and discount mailing lists made me wonder how many more I’m missing. I use bookbub, what is everyone else using?

  20. Sandy

    Does anyone have a recommendation for at-home facial products? I don’t have oily skin, so I am just looking for ones that will make my skin look healthier. I’ve seen “Korean beauty” recommended as a uniform concept, but I am looking for a product where I can read the ingredient list.

    • Anon

      What are your main concerns? Dryness? Fine lines? Acne or acne scars? Just want more “glow”?

      • Sandy

        Fine lines and “glow,” I guess. I just want to look fresher when I don’t get enough sleep! Thanks.

        • Anon

          If you check back – try Drunk Elephant. Spendy but simple and proven to work.

          Alternately, Paula’s Choice is amazing.

    • Tech Comm Geek

      The “Korean Beauty” concept turns out to be very broad. I’d recommend visiting the Asian Beauty reddit. They have a lot of great information, much of it geared to beginners.

    • Frozen Peach

      I really like the ExfoliKate 2-minute facial scrub from Kate Somerville.

  21. Linda from HR

    Yesterday I was the recipient of a totally well-intentioned but very confusing act of chivalry.

    We all got on the elevator, which was going down, because it was the end of the day. I was closest to the elevator, so I got on first, and went all the way in to make room for others, so when we reached the first floor I naturally waited for everyone in front of me to get off. Except not everyone did. A man much closer to the door turned around and insisted that I go first.

    I want to clarify that it didn’t make me angry, he’s from another time and that’s how he was raised . . . but why? I mean I get how “ladies first” can (in theory) prevent men from acting like self-important brutes, barging past women to get somewhere first, but if I’m clearly behind you, turning to me and letting me go ahead of you makes no sense. It’s inefficient, and unnecessary, and I don’t see how it’s a “sign of respect.”

    Was there a time where elevators were really dangerous, and men had to ensure women got off safely? That’s the only explanation I can think of.

    • Anonymous

      It’s letting a woman go through the door first. Just, in this case, an elevator door. Many customs related to politeness and care for others aren’t practiced with “efficient” or “necessary” in mind.

      • Ellen

        I think that’s SWEET! The manageing partner and the Judge do this when we go up to visit the Judge in Chambers. The Judge will always let ME get on the judge’s elevator first, then the manageing partner, then the judge, who uses his KEY to select HIS floor in the courthouse. Once we get in, I am in the back, so when the door opens on the judge’s floor, they do NOT get out, but step to the side to let ME out. I know the judge also likes to see my tuchus, which he would NOT be abel to do if I got in last and out last. But by being first in and first out, he get’s to see what he wants to see as I walk by him. And I do not mind b/c he is NOT a lecch. He has a wife who he has been MARRIED to for 53 year’s!!!! I hope I get a guy like that to stay with me for 53 years. YAY!!!!!!

    • Anonymous

      well, there was a time when the general public was not the operator of the elevator. I imagine it’s an extension of opening the door etiquette.

    • Anonymous

      You’re way way overthinking this. Ladies first was just a politeness thing, and for some men it still is.

      • Linda from HR

        Sorry, I know that’s frowned upon here! It just struck me because it’s not something I encounter that often. In the northeast, it’s mostly older men who practice gendered etiquette rituals, most people have sort of moved on from that stuff. I once explained to my boyfriend that some strongly believe a man should always be on the outside of the sidewalk, and he was like “wait, why?” and I said “I don’t know!”

        • Anonymous

          You don’t need to apologize. I’m also in the northeast and men always let ladies off the elevator first.

        • Anon

          Because streets used to be messy, and passing cars or horses would splash muck onto the sidewalk. The man being closer to the street would “shield” the lady from getting dirty. Same idea as a man using his coat to let a lady walk over a puddle. He can get dirty to prevent her from having to.

          Of course, because this goes along with “traditional” labor divisions, that means there’s some poor wife/mother at home who is having to clean puddles out of a man’s jacket, but apparently they don’t matter in this view of chivalry.

          • Linda from HR

            That’s what baffles me about chivalry, especially in modern times. I don’t care about strange men letting me go first or giving me their seats on the train, but I do care that I and apparently most women out there are still doing the vast majority of housework, for men who are say they’re “all for equality” and “totally willing to help,” but can’t even be arsed to clean up after themselves because they had a hard day at work, and can’t be expected to think about that stuff, and “just aren’t good at it.”

            I’ve actually heard the coat thing might be a myth, from like one story or something. Sort of like how we think “women and children first” is how that evacuated boats because it was a line in the Titanic movie.

          • Anon

            Well it really did happen on the real Titanic, and a couple other ships, but it wasn’t a widespread rule. The Titanic just became a famous example so people thought that represented all ship customs.

            The coat-over-a-puddle legend has been around since the 1600s or something, so while technically it may not be true, it’s been a well-recognized expectation of ultimate chivalry for 400 years now.

          • Jax

            RE: home labor divisions…

            I read a fantastic meme ranting about household products marketed towards women with the “because men have no idea how to do it right” wink. It basically said to stop believing the lie, and if men were really incompetent, the world wouldn’t put them in charge of billion dollar companies. Bottom line? No one *wants* to do the housework, and men are more than happy to play incompetent and praise us for being the “experts” on drudgery. SO STOP PLAYING ALONG, LADIES. CHALLENGE THE MYTH!

            It spoke to me. My spouse is more than capable of learning (or forging his own way) in housekeeping. It’s not my exclusive domain. But since he hasn’t been *expected* to learn, by his own mother or any of society, he’s going to fumble and mess up just like our 11 year old. He needs practice and a few years to catch up.

            I think we tend to think men are acting incompetent or put out about housework, when a lot of it is just learning curve. If we shrug and let them figure it out instead of angrily stepping in and saying, “Forget it, I’ll just do it myself!” we’d probably see more true division of labor.

          • Anonymous

            But they ARE acting incompetent and put out precisely so they won’t have to learn to do anything for themselves. My male co-workers do this at work too.

          • Jax

            Acting incompetent only works if there is someone around to step in and do it for them. I’ll even flip the genders in my example.

            My coworker, operating under traditional gender roles to the nth degree, doesn’t pump her own gas. In 2017 a married, working 34 year old mother would call her husband on her way home from work and ask him to meet her (in his car) at the gas station just to pump her gas for her. Husband ends up in the hospital for several weeks, and guess who managed to pump her own gas? AMAZING!

            I told my husband that I expect him to make dinner on his work from home days, and after a few rounds of frozen chicken nuggets, pizza rolls and French fries, I calmly pointed out that “dinner” means vegetables, not Frat Boy Freezer Meals. He laughed–admitted he was totally half-@ssing it–and stepped up to meatloaf, baked potatoes and roasted broccoli. Is he capable? Of course. Does he want to? No, but I’m not stepping in and saving him, and I will call him out for it.

        • Pen and Pencil

          Men are to walk on the outside of the sidewalk because if a car came by and splashed you as you were walking the man would the the recipient of most the splash not the woman. This harks back to the time before sewage pipes, and puddles were a bit more…problematic.

          • Senior Attorney

            My husband does the walk-on-the-outside thing for fun. Then when we were in New Orleans he got splashed with mud from a passing horse and carriage for realsies!

    • anon

      This is very much a thing. It’s really common in the SEUS. Men will all stand there and wait for you to get on first, or move so you can get off first. Then, they’ll dash in front of you so they can hold the door open. It’s just what’s done, don’t worry about it. It’s nothing more than an “after you,” or making sure the door doesn’t slam on you.

    • AB

      I worked in midtown Manhattan where most people on the elevator avoid eye contact and are completely less than friendly. Yet at least 80% of the time, the men let the women out first. For me, at this point, it is an efficiency thing. I know it’s coming, so I hustle out even if I’m in the back, and give the men a polite nod as I pass.

    • Linda from HR

      I do want to be clear here, just because I’m bringing it up this morning for the sake of discussion doesn’t mean I it was SO HORRIBLE and upsetting that it consumed my mind every waking second since then, causing me to lose all sanity as I’m dragged further and further into the dark depths of crushing anxiety. I was able to go home, do some decluttering, buy food, make dinner, come to work like a normal person. There’s plenty of room in my mind for other, more important matters. It just popped back into my head this morning and I felt like starting a discussion about it.

        • Linda from HR

          No one here, but I’ve definitely seen that “OH MY GOD YOUR BRAIN IS MESSED UP GO TO THERAPY” reaction to people overthinking stuff before, so I was trying to head it off.

    • Anon

      It’s strange to me that this is strange to you.

      I live in DC and I cannot tell you the last time I was in an elevator with a man and he DIDN’T either “hold” the elevator door and insist ladies get off first or get off first because of a crowd and “hold” the elevator door for everyone else as they exited. It’s just like holding a door open.

      • Linda from HR

        Makes sense, but this guy didn’t hold the door open, which he probably should have done if he was gonna let me go first because the doors in this building close pretty quickly, I’ve had to muscle my way into an elevator because the doors started closing the second everyone got off.

      • jwalk

        Also in DC and yes, it happens all the time here. If it’s only a few of us in the elevator, my internal feminist sighs while I give the menfolk a polite nod as I leave first. If the elevator is packed and they STILL wait for me to go first, I find it totally ridiculous and request that they get off first if I don’t think I’ll get too much push back.

    • Cat

      This is totally common practice in my building… sometimes to an annoying extent when the front of the elevator is filled with men and yet they ALL want to allow the women out first… but it’s awkward and clumsy to try to wriggle between them to exit. I’ve started saying “oh please go ahead, don’t want to knock people.”

      When it’s one guy politely holding the door, though, NBD.

    • Anon

      I worked at a large law firm in a skyscraper in Atlanta, and elevator etiquette like this was very strictly adhered to. It definitely took me a minute to get used to. Now, I make a point to use this as an example when I remind the law students I mentor to pay very close attention to their colleague’s behavior to avoid giving off the impression that they’re rude or impolite (no matter how old-fashioned the custom).

    • Anon

      This is standard for me in DC and VA. It’s just part of the orderly way of getting off an elevator. Frankly, I’m more surprised when it doesn’t happen. Same for getting on the elevator, always ladies first. It clearly makes my male colleagues uncomfortable when I open a door first or hold open a door first. I don’t find it offensive, just a cultural norm. No one thinks I am incapable of opening the door for myself. And considering I’m treated equal to or better than my male colleagues in terms of work, seniority, etc. I do not have any doubts about this impacting whether I’m viewed as a sub-par female. Bunch of fuss over nothing in my view, but perhaps I’ve spent too long in the south.

      • Yup

        Yes, exactly. I’m in DC too and this is the norm, and I think it’s great personally.

    • AnonZ

      I would say 75% of the time that I’m on an elevator with men, they gesture for me to exit first. My only complaint is that the other 25% of the time, I look like a jerk because I anticipate being let off first and then accidentally shove my way past people. Oops, sorry!

      I don’t care one way or another but I wish the men of the world would just make a decision on this so we can all get out in a timely, organized manner.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Word. I hate that 25% when I look like a jerk but I just pretend I’m in a rush?

      • Anonymous

        This. I hate the awkwardness of waiting to see whether the man is going to want to hold the door or let me off the elevator first, and worrying that if I wait too long he will think I expect him to do so. The woman is at risk of appearing rude if she doesn’t follow the man’s cues either way.

    • AnonyM

      Yea this happens more than 50% of the time for me (in DC). I don’t like it at all. Just treat me like a capable human being in all aspects of my life. Seems simple enough. Be just as polite to me as you would be to a man in the same situation. If you would hold the door for a man, hold it for me. I will do the same for you. We should all be polite, of course, I just really don’t like it when it’s based on gender.

    • Anonymous

      I live in Texas and this is actually the standard here. It’s more convenient and rude to stare a guy down as he’s clearly holding the door open for you. He’s probably from a different region, so just take the nicety and go about your day.

    • SSC

      I’m in the mid-South. What you described is the norm here, and it’s bizarre to me when it doesn’t happen. In fact, when I was a preteen and I went to the office with my dad, he gave me a lecture for not getting off the elevator first (and holding up everyone else in the process). I guess it’s a highly regional thing.

  22. CHS

    I know this has been discussed many times in the past, but I need lunch and snack ideas for work. Ideally I’d like to start packing them all on Sunday night, and just eat the same thing every day. Decision fatigue is too real. I used to care about variety and quality, and now I just need easy, relatively healthy things that will last until Friday if packaged Sunday. Anyone have any winning combos? Hoping to avoid frozen meals, but open to most anything else.

    • Anonymous

      I have the luxury of lots of fridge space at work, and have taken to dumping a week’s worth of salad and sandwich stuff into a grocery sack and then just pulling from it whatever kind of lunch I happen to be hungry for in the moment.

    • Anonymous

      Check out D a m n Delicious. She has several simple and tasty recipes for four days’ worth of make-ahead lunches and snack boxes.

      For snacks, I rely on cheese sticks, hard-boiled eggs, bananas, Kind bars, yogurt, and the little packets of trail mix from Trader Joe’s.

    • cat socks

      The blog Budget Bytes just started a series about meal prep. There are two posts up currently – one for spaghetti and meatballs and another for falafel and hummus. I believe there will be new posts each Sunday.

      For snack ideas, I bring fresh fruit in the summer – strawberries, cherries, nectarines, blueberries – depending on what is on sale. Also, carrots and hummus, cheese sticks, slices of salami.

      I also eat yogurt. I try to find the ones with less sugar. I like the Icelandic skyr (like Siggis). I also like the Danon Oikos full fat yougurt in coconut and key lime pie. I like a little sweet treat during the day and these help curb my craving for the junk from the vending machine.

    • Anon

      I make a big batch of healthy soup on Sunday afternoons and freeze it in individual containers. It’s nice to have something hot to eat at lunch. And I don’t have to eat that soup all week long – I can mix and match from previous weeks or other meals.

      Other ideas: those pre-made lunchbox packs of baby carrots and 100 calorie packs of almonds or cashews (I like Emerald brand that I can find at Target – my grocery store here doesn’t sell them).

    • Anonymous

      I sometimes make either a big pot of soup and take that everyday or a baked casserole type dish and portion out. Usually something like crustless quiche with lots of veggies or black beans/spinach/artichokes/cheese baked together. I sometimes cut up everything for salads and package those for the week.

    • H

      I like to eat whatever left overs I have from dinner the night before for lunch. Takes the guesswork out of trying to decide 2 meals per day.

      For snacks, I like hummus and crackers (or veggies), roasted almonds, trail mix, fruit. I also have access to a salad bar where I’m some times get one to go with whatever I’m eating.

    • Anonymous

      For lunches, I usually have something like: sweet potatoes (roasted, or pressured cooked), roasted veggie, roasted chicken and some sort of sauce (pesto, creamy mustard, etc.). It’s not thrilling but it gets me through the week.

      For snacks, I usually plan an apple, or more recently coconut yogurt plus fruit and granola. Sometimes celery sticks and carrots + hummus.

    • Wow

      I’ve said this before, but I like lunches that I can assemble not ones that I cook. So on most days my lunch is two pieces of bread, an avocado or some hummus which I spread on the bread, greek yoghurt, fruit, and maybe some nuts or cheestick if I’m extra hungry. I never have to prepare anything, I never have an excuse to eat out, and I’m saving so much money (and loving my meal). I’m vegetarian, fyi.

    • Scarlett

      I make a batch of farro on Sunday & portion out for the week. Each day I add whatever protein is lying around from leftover dinners & I medium boil an egg to put on top. Easy, health, filling & there’s a little less variety fatigue if you mix up the protein topper. (I use smitten kitchen’s easy farro recipe, but I make mine w/ broth & add cream for some flavor & richness).

    • techgirl

      Every Sunday I chop, portion and bag items like nuts, dried and fresh fruit, vegetables, falafel, and individual hummus pots. I also had some fibre one bars and apples on hand. Each morning I grab a couple bags from the fridge and a couple items from the cupboard, toss them in my bag and head to work. I try and keep the bags to round calorie numbers as well – so 100 Cals of this, 200 of that which helps me not over eat.

      • techgirl

        No edit gah, but to add I also take things like yoghurts, cheese, crackers, vegetable chips, baked chickpeas, cooked chicken slices etc.

        I find my diary sometimes doesn’t allow time for lunch, and for some reason I feel better turning up with a bag of strawberries rather than a full hot meal!

    • Anonymous

      This is late, but I love my lunches and lunch routine. The foundation is made of grains, beans, and nuts/seeds. Each Sunday, I cook a large pot of a grain (barley, bulgur, quinoa, couscous, buckwheat, etc.). You may cook beans from scratch or use canned beans, washed out, like chickpeas, various kidney beans, black bans, etc. Finally, I add a variety of salted nuts or seeds on top (cashews, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, etc. Trader Joe’s is great for these.)

      From here, you can add little varietals on a daily basis. More vegetables! Sour cream! Hummus! Whatever! These are filling and never heavy, and, obviously super healthy in all kinds of ways. And fast!

  23. Violet

    I feel crazy asking this to anyone in real life, so was hoping someone here could relate or give me a good shake.

    I’ve always been a type-A overachiever. I have a good finance job making $400k (I don’t manage anyone, probably no upward trajectory, but maybe another 25% of comp upside until I really plateau). I don’t really love it, but I work a predictable 45-50 hours/week and don’t see myself going anywhere.

    My husband also works in finance (after spending some time in big law) and he’s been given tons of responsibility and gets the most fantastic raises. He made $650k last year, and he’ll soon be replacing his boss and will probably get a bump to the $900k range, with upside from there.

    We have a toddler, and an objectively nice life.

    My problem is that I feel like my career is some piddly little thing, and comes second to his. There aren’t many instances of needing to prioritize one over the other, so this is mostly a matter of the very subtle ways in which we discuss mine vs. his, and to a lesser degree, the way I’m the default parent in many respects. More than that though, I think a lot of it is mental and I just don’t feel like my career is important in the context of his, which isn’t a feeling I like. I don’t put in my best effort at work, and my self esteem is sort of meh. I hate that I feel this way, but I’m not really sure what to do about it other than to tell myself that the income disparity shouldn’t bug me the way it does. I’ve never been as satisfied with my career as I was in the one year I “caught up” to him comp-wise (his last year at big law). I know we’re so fortunate in so many ways, but I’d really love any tips from anyone who’s dealt with these types of feelings.

    • Anonymous

      Look for your value and self worth outside of money.

      You’re rich. If your life isn’t satisfying you have a world of options to change that.

    • Anon

      I think you need to find something else that motivates you. You have a huge cushion of money to live on. You make more than most people in the USA. Your husband can work, and you can stop working and go back to school. Start a non profit. Run for government. Do something that strikes passion into your life. Income does not determine who is first/winning the race, so you need to get out of that mind set and be thankful that you have the privilege to explore things in life that challenge you!

      • Rainbow Hair

        I agree with this (and would not have said it with as much compassion).

        You’re in an amazingly privileged place, and you can use that to do something great and meaningful! What’s your passion? I know that if I had infinity dollars (or a husband making $600k) I would be teaching adult ESL and perfecting my skills at a hobby I love that could turn into a bit of a side hustle. Do you have a dream like that? Because if you do, you can live it!

      • AIMS

        I think this is really good advice. Mr. AIMS makes more money than I do at this point in our careers and probably will make more down the road if all goes well, whereas I definitely see a cap in a few years time, but I feel like what I do is really important and so nothing about this bothers me. It sound like you don’t feel that your $400K job is important/exciting and so maybe you should change that. Maybe you can do something really great where you make less money but have more impact; you can certainly afford it. If compensation is the only gauge to go by though, then I think you need to re-assess how you are evaluating all this.

    • Anonymous

      Oh my god. I’m sorry but time for a severe reality check. Income disparity?? You guys are millionaires. Use some of that money to do things that make you happy. You make more than 10 times my salary and I’m a pretty happy person. Get a grip!

    • anon

      It sounds like this is not really about the money, but about your engagement in your job and the way you are valued within your relationship. Yes, objectively the OP has the financial privilege to go do any number of things. But that doesn’t really address the emotional imbalance in the relationship. Sounds like couples counseling might be worthwhile as a venue to get all of this out on the table.

    • Anon

      Get some counseling because you don’t want to pass on to your child the value that the amount you make is connected to your worth as a human being!

    • Anonymous

      Find something meaningful to do with your life.

      Just making money, for no real benefit to society/others is not meaningful. It takes awhile to learn this.

      I also wonder about the values you guys will pass on to your child.

      You have the world open to you.

      It shocks me how much $ some people make, for what they do…. just….

    • Anonymous

      Actually, I wonder if this post is real…. I mean who posts salaries like this? Such out of touch bragging? This totally can’t be real.

        • Anonymous

          No it doesn’t. I read here daily and people do not post salaries like this. People brag a bit about their savings sometimes. But with salaries like the OPs they would have several million in savings in the bank and no one has bragged about that.

          The fact that she would post the numbers at all, when not really needed …. could have posted ranges etc… tells me a lot about her, and perhaps her husband/dynamics.

          • ponte python's flying circus

            +1 this was my impression too. Stating the numbers right off, when they really aren’t relevant and don’t come anywhere close to the emotional core of the question, was immediately alienating. It’s pretty revealing that she doesn’t seem to recognize that.

          • Anon

            You’re forgetting about all the people who earn $500K combined with their spouses and still insist that they are middle class and daycare is so expensive.

      • Anonymous

        I absolutely think it’s real! And I don’t think Violet is a bad person. Sometimes when you’ve worked really hard to succeed it can be difficult when you do!

      • Violet

        Sorry, I debated leaving the actual numbers out and just noting the % gap, but given the absolute anonymity, figured I’d leave them to get the most relevant advice.

        BTW, I appreciate all the tips so far!

        One thing I didn’t mention in the original post is that I have an executive leadership role at a local nonprofit, which I do on a volunteer basis. I enjoy that, and enjoy giving generously to other causes, but doubt I’d feel any better doing similar full time.

        • Anonymous

          Maybe you actually would gain more meaning by doing some volunteering directly with people. Something where you can really see the impact…. feel the impact…. gain some perspective and empathy…..

          Being on a Board/nonprofit as an Executive Leader…. eh? Another status thing? Networking/social? More work/business, isn’t it? Yes, or you would have called it volunteering and not executive leadership. You are just tallying points…. not living experiences that are meaning ful. Yes, potentially impactful, but I don’t think you will get the kind of benefits that your life/career is not fulfilling for you right now until you break outside your bubble and think about what is truly important in life.

        • January

          I mean, for the amount of money your husband makes, you could easily stop doing paid work and volunteer full-time. Or anything, really. Is the problem that you make less money than him percentage-wise, or that you don’t like what you do?

      • Anon

        Agreed…I make 20k (in a country with free healthcare though) so this woman makes over 30 times my salary, her husband not included. But she feels bad…because…she doesn’t earn enough..? What…? I understand it’s more an emotional thing compared to her husband and that she feels not on par with him, but come on when you’re talking about such massive amounts you’ve got to know the “money” side of your life equation is sorted and you should focus on something else? I don’t like to call “troll” but even if it isn’t this is the type of stuff that makes me want to stop visiting this board sometimes. I understand everyone has their issues and this page is geared towards a certain demographic but it’s too baffling to see the disconnect.

        • Anon

          +1. Rich people complaining about how they don’t make ENOUGH really, really, really, really doesn’t sit well with me personally or professionally or morally. I just do not understand. You make 10X what I make. Get therapy, because your views on this need some f-ing reality checking. I know I’m being harsh, but I have ZERO pity for rich people who are sad about not being richer. Zero.

        • anon

          1) really curious where you live – free healthcare and decent life on 20k? that’s a unicorn. 2) it’s important to see this baffling disconnect. It reminds us that there are people with totally different experiences that as totally out of touch with our own experiences. just like it’s good for upper middle class folks to hear about real poverty. it’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but it’s the truth, and it helps us understand our world better.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Yup. What is this job making $400k that’s only 45-50 hours per week? I’ve busted a$s for longer hours per week at jobs where I had people under me, making barely over 10% of that!

        • Anon

          Seriously. What Finance job is 45 hours a week and $400K? My career path needs to change, because I’m in finance, working more than that, and making wayyyy less than that.

    • Anonymous

      Others may disagree but I don’t think you should automatically be the default parent just because you make slightly less. You both makes oodles of money, and you could presumably each support your family on your salary alone. Therefore IMO the salary difference isn’t relevant to how you divide parenting responsibilities. Talk to your husband and tell him you don’t want to be the default parent anymore so you have time to lean in more at work.

      • Anonymous

        I agree. And, I know this is tossed around a lot, but I really do think some individual therapy would be helpful for you to understand why you feel “less than” your husband. I’m not saying that those feelings are wrong or right, but I feel like this is an “easy” problem for therapy – figure out the root of why you feel insecure in the fact that your husband out-earns you, identify triggers, and develop coping mechanisms for when those feelings surface.

    • Anonymous

      I genuinely think it’s great that you posted this, because it’s a good reminder that money is not the answer to unhappiness or dissatisfaction with one’s life.

      If my spouse made $600k a year, I would quit working entirely, stay home with my child and volunteer. To be totally raw here, if you don’t love your job and you don’t really need the money (p.s. – you don’t need the money), why are you working? Just to say you did it?

      You are in an incredibly enviable position. The world is open to you. You could start your own business. You could become an investor and help other people start a business. You could start a foundation or your own non-profit. Give back to your community. Share your largesse with others.

      Seriously, I don’t want to rip you for posting this but this is very “poor little rich girl” to me. Maybe there are forums for high-net-worth individuals out there, where people could better relate to your problem? You and your husband make more in a year than my husband and I do in seven. And we’re in the top 3% of household incomes in our area. Recognize your good fortune. Feel blessed. And find a way to share the wealth and help others. There’s a life mission for you.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      You have the luxury of being able to pursue basically any life you want. Want to get an MBA? Do it and pay cash for it. Want to get a PhD in underwater basketweaving? Stay at home and Martha Stewart the entirety of your life? Become a yoga guru? Volunteer at the hospital? Become a travelblogger? Renovate an historic home? Foster animals?

      The world is your oyster. Only you can be the one to decide what it is that you want.

      • Anonymous

        There are a lot of people saying this (oh just quit and pursue your hobbies). Am I the only one who sees the value in having two people with stable well-paying jobs? What if she quits to be a basket weaver and then DH is laid off? I guess they could live off savings until he found a new job but I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that if I could avoid it.
        If you want to pursue a new, lower-paying but still realistic career that’s one thing. But I wouldn’t quit to become a lady of leisure or pursue a fantasy career like being a travel writer unless I had more money in the bank then I thought I could ever possibly need.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          At the salary her husband is making, they can afford for him to be out of work for quite awhile, and presumably if he’s worth that much then he’s quite employable. I’m the last person to advocate for (most) women getting out of the workforce, but if she wants to, then financially, there’s very, very little risk here. Maybe it’s just me, but a HH income of $900k per year would be way more money than my family would ever need.

          • Anonymous

            Generally, people’s expenses are correlated to their salaries. I make 1/10th of what OP and her husband make, but their mortgage could easily be 10 times higher than mine. I think people here are thinking about what their own lifestyle and expenses would look like on OP’s salary, but that’s not the correct analysis. I believe there have been a lot of studies that have shown that higher salaries aren’t really correlated with higher savings, at least beyond a certain point. I hope they have multi-millions in the bank, but statistically it’s far from a sure thing.

        • SC

          Eh. With those incomes, you should have sufficient savings that you could live off savings until one spouse found another job. Presumably, if they’re making $400K and $600K, respectively, they have some enviable skills that should enable at least one of them to get another job. Even one person working for $200K is “rich” compared to most people.

          That’s not to say that I see no value in having two people with stable, well-paying jobs. But there’s also value in not being miserable in a career you’re dissatisfied with just for stability. $600K (or $900K if OP’s husband gets the promotion) can buy a lot of stability.

          • Anonymous

            Oh I don’t disagree that they’re incredibly rich and that if OP is miserable she should find a new job/career and she doesn’t really need to worry about what that career pays. But if it were me I would look for a career with a regular paycheck. I don’t know if there’s any salary level for my husband at which I’d be comfortable quitting to pursue hobbies without earning income, and certainly $600k would not be enough. I’m not saying you can’t support a family on $600K – of course you can have a great lifestyle on that salary even in a HCOL and the vast majority live on much less, but it’s not a level at which I’d be comfortable voluntarily opting out of the workforce when I could easily be working and earning money.

          • Anon

            Many people aren’t going to like this. But. I don’t understand a household where one income is 400k and the other is 600k, and there’s a small child involved and no one has decided to stay home, or at least start a work-at-home business so they can be with the child more. It doesn’t have to be the wife; her salary is more than enough for the household to live on. Their child is not better off with a nanny or in daycare than they would be with one parent at home. Unless the child was just another trophy to add to the collection. I am so sad thinking about a child being in daycare or with a nanny probably 50-60 hrs a week solely because the parents are chasing money and meaningless achievements. Why even have a kid in the first place?

            The OP may have a lot of money, but she’s failing at life IMO.

          • Never too many shoes...

            1:34 Anon, you literally cannot be serious with that comment.

          • anon

            No, I don’t like this, because it’s BS. We’ve discussed the benefits to a child from having parents to work that aren’t directly related to money over and over again here. We all know well and good that one can enjoy being a parent and also work.

            Calling someone’s career a “meaningless achievement” is narrow-minded and mean-spirited, as is the rest of your post. Besides, she already said she works 40-45 hours a week, so I don’t know where you’re getting this nonsense about a kid being left with a nanny for 60 hours/week.

          • Anonymous

            Um, because a lot of people don’t want to be a stay at home parent and have no career? I don’t see how the money is relevant. DH and I don’t earn anywhere near $1M combined but we earn plenty that one of us could easily afford to stay home, but neither of us wants to. We both like working and want an identity outside of our spouse and child, and we also want to maintain our own source of income so we can survive on our own in the event of death or divorce. Maybe that makes us terrible parents, but then the vast majority of American adults are terrible parents by your definition. You don’t need $400K and $600K salaries in order to have it be financially viable for one parent to stay home.

            OP said she only works 40-45 hours a week so I don’t know why you assume the kid is in daycare or with a nanny 60 hours/week.

        • Snick

          I’m floored by the comments suggesting OP should quit her job to stay home with her child and depend on her husband for income. What if something happens to her husband/marriage? There is nothing in her original post suggesting she is interested in being a SAHM, and there’s NO REASON to feel “so sad” about a child in daycare (undoubtedly high-quality day care) because both parents work. OP, look for a good job/career coach to help you find a more fulfilling career path.

        • NCYer

          +1. My husband makes more than OP’s numbers and I still work (that is honestly not trying to be a brag – I recognize how fortunate we are, so that comment is just helping highlight my point). His job is inherently less stable than mine. Plus I like to have something that keeps my brain sharp. Maybe I would feel differently if I really hated my job, but I cannot imagine quitting entirely just based on his current salary.

          • Anon

            Chiming in late, but same here. DH earns a comparable amount to her husband and will probably hit the $1M mark in the next 5-10 years. I still work at my own six-figure finance job (even with baby #1 on the way, and I plan to continue post-baby) because it’s important to me to make my “own” money, should DH get hit by a bus or decide to to run off with his secretary. Also, I worked hard to get here pre-DH and I don’t feel like I should throw it away just because I happen to have a successful husband (though it is tempting at times!).

            Also, finance is a risky field. We’ve been through one unexpected layoff together already, and I know there may be one or two more in the future (DH still has 20-30 years of working ahead of him). Yes, we have enough in savings that we can be okay with him out of work for a couple of years, but that’s honestly how long it’s taken some of his laid-off colleagues to find new jobs in some cases. My job is more stable, and I like knowing I can provide backup health insurance if we need it (versus paying $$$ for COBRA) and that there will still be some money coming in as a cushion if we need it.

    • Wow

      Congratulations on your financial success! Those numbers are astounding. We are high earners but I’ve never quite seen those kind of numbers before on here.

      It sounds like you’re not crazy about your job, so I would encourage you to explore other options. You have the financial luxury to take a lower or low paying job, has there been something you have always wanted to do? Or maybe go back to school? Life’s too short to just be meh about work — find something you love. Or could there be an option to go part time in your current job, and use the rest of the time to do more volunteering/hanging out with kid/volunteering at kid’s school?

      I agree that you shouldn’t necessarily be the default parent, but unfortunately I find that the mom is almost always the default parent irrespective of income differences. Talk to your husband and have an open conversation about this.

    • Anon

      Sorry, totally not the point but omg I can’t even fathom making that much money.

      • ELS

        Right? I was just talking the other day on this board about how I feel rich, and our HHI is about half of what OP makes alone. I literally cannot fathom what we would do if we made a combined $600K, let alone if only one of us was making that. Probably save most of it then quit our jobs and volunteer/join the circus?

        • Cornellian

          We make ~1/4 of their household income, and I definitely do notice how much more expensive life has gotten in weird ways with a high pressure job.

          For example, I was on calls from 7 AM saturday to ~11 PM, so my husband watched the baby and couldn’t go food shopping or cook, so I ordered lunch on my computer for both of us so he could eat while watching the baby and I could eat between calls. Obviously 40 bucks of takeout in a weekend wouldn’t eat up a million in compensation, but I am constantly astonished at how expensive it is to have this sort of job.

          • Anonymous

            Lol what?!? A grown man can’t manage to both watch the baby and procure a sandwich?

          • Anonymous

            And yet moms cook and grocery shop with kids all the time. HOW DO THEY DO IT?

    • Scarlett

      I think it would help you to think of you & your husband as a team – in your situation, you actually make pretty close amounts, or enough so that if something bad happened to one of you, the other would be able to support the family. It also would probably help you to think of the example you’re setting for your kids – I think it’s invaluable to have two working parents. It’s also just smart for you to keep working so that you don’t become dependent on your husband – having the flexibility to leave or be left without financial trouble is worth it right there. Beyond that, start looking for meaning in life that isn’t connected to money. See a job or a career for what it really is – a means to an end & focus on what matters to you. If that’s money right now, maybe that’s the reason why you’re struggling – ultimately, a salary is unlikely to bring meaningful joy to anyone.

    • Violet

      Thanks, all, I appreciate all the thoughts, even the harsh ones.

      I think a lot of the advice telling me I ought to quit actually really get at what I’m struggling with. My job is *awesome* in many respects, and if my husband made nothing or worked in a less lucrative field, I think I’d work hard and feel great about my job and contribution to our household. But as those comments point out, I’m not really adding anything.

      I do think it might be helpful to unpack this in a little therapy. One thing I worry about though (and is captured in some of the comments here) is that a therapist would find this ridiculous. I’d avoid specific numbers face to face, but it still almost feels too ridiculous to discuss in person.

      As far as my child goes, s/he was VERY wanted (after much heartache), very loved, thriving in daycare, and will be just fine. :-)

      My non-profit involvement is completely separate from my finance career other than using some business connections to fundraise for the non-profit, and I am responsible for all the nitty gritty operational work. It’s a passion project through and through, involving children, with no status/networking/social ulterior motives. The work is mostly in the winter, which is maybe why I’m feeling so blah at the moment.

      For those questioning our saving/spending situation, we’re pretty frugal. We’re in our early/mid 30s and started off at typical wall street analyst/big law salaries a decade ago but have been dutifully saving along the way and doing our best to avoid too much lifestyle creep.

      As for those saying they work more for less, I hear you! I once had a $12/hr job that was much more draining! Not sure what to say. It took a lot of work to develop the niche expertise I have, but I don’t doubt there are people doing more important work in the world for less pay. On the flip side, some of my counterparts are sales people and traders at major banks who work market hours and make seven figures, with an odd eight figure year. No point here really, other than I get it, and apologize if anyone found this hurtful.

      Thanks again for the thoughts, and if anyone more experienced with therapy can point me in the right direction (in NYC) or help me frame this properly, I’d be very grateful.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        What a thoughtful reply- you got piled on a bit, but I find your reply to be very graceful. Sounds like you could use some therapy, but absolutely have your head on straight about what it means. Just, maybe, be careful about phrasing- it did come off as a bit much originally.

      • Anonymous

        Hey Violet, nothing is ever “too ridiculous” to discuss in therapy. If a therapist makes you feel bad or silly for bringing something up, that person is a bad therapist. I think it would totally help for you to go speak with someone, sharing only enough info as you want. You deserve to have someone take your problems seriously and help you find an answer. That doesn’t change no matter how much money you make.

    • Anon

      What kind of finance job do you work? I’m in corporate finance of a large corporation and make nowhere near that much.

      • Violet

        Prefer not to say specifically, but it’s not a corporate finance role. It’s a front office position within a global bank.

    • ER

      Congrats on your financial success!

      I can’t believe how many people are piling on you. Forget them.

      I agree with the poster who said this is an inherently female problem. I make almost 2x my husbands salary, and I’m still the default parent. The unspoken expectation is that at some point I’ll downshift to a different job. We just had our second kid, and my husband made a comment the other week that my next job, at a minimum, should make at least enough to pay for child care. It’s bonkers — I guarantee he has never thought of his job like that (i.e. is it a better deal than outsourcing childcare, house cleaning, gardener, etc — the answer is yes, but just barely). And we would probably move across the country for his job, at the expense of my job, if push came to shove. So, I can definitely commiserate. But I don’t think any amount of money that I could earn would change our dynamic.

      I agree that you might benefit from some individual therapy, just for someone to be a sounding board for your next steps and feeling of self worth.

      • ER

        Ha – I posted this without refreshing for a while, so I missed your follow up! I think a therapist will be much more professional and polite than a bunch of anonymous people on the internet.

      • cbackson

        Probably a late response that you may not see, but I would really encourage you to dig in (through therapy or your own introspective work) on untying the relationship between success and meaningful work and salary. I honestly don’t think that you’re “not adding anything” – I think you’re viewing it that way because you view your job as optional and his job as mandatory. That’s the mindset that takes you to the idea that unless your salary exceeds his, you aren’t adding value to your family. It’s REALLY common for people to view women’s jobs that way (that’s why no one ever asks why a female CEO’s husband still works, but they will ask why a male CEO’s wife does).

        I talk to a lot of people who are struggling with career unhappiness (fellow attorneys and clients alike) and my advice is usually to try to sketch out what a fulfilling work experience would look like for them. Don’t ask yourself what job you’d rather be doing. Ask yourself what the work attributes are that would make you more fulfilled – whether it’s having more opportunities to mentor younger colleagues, a greater ability to impact diversity in your profession, more opportunities for strategic thinking over in-the-moment firefighting (these are all mine, but you’ll have your own), etc. What happens at work on your best days? The right job for you doesn’t have much to do with how much you get paid as compared to your husband, but has everything to do with whether it meets those needs. That may lead you in a direction where you make more money or less – or even just to a change in emphasis in how you do your current job – but I suspect that if you feel more fulfilled on a day-to-day basis, you will likely focus less on you and your husband’s relative salaries.

        • Violet

          I did see this. Thanks so much for weighing in! So appreciate your infinite wisdom. It’s exactly right that I’m seeing my job as optional and his as mandatory, and I think I mostly just need to shake myself out of that mentality because it’s leading me to feel (and at times, act) all sorts of useless.

      • Kim

        I second ER 6:51. I would also add that I don’t think the OP has issues with equating her self-worth to her salary–though I suspect the husband values her less due to her lesser salary and/or her gender.

        While my husband and I don’t have the household income of the OP given our automotive engineering jobs, I can somewhat relate. Once my child came along, I was the default parent–getting up 2-6 times per night, covering all sick days, shuttling to all appointments, doing daycare drop off, picking up the house, you name it. My job wasn’t terribly demanding at the time, but I was so completely exhausted I couldn’t do it as well as I liked. I was a bit of an achiever here and there as well (4.0 in Differential Equations ), so it really bothered me I wasn’t able to do the quality job I had done in the past. I always had entrepreneurial aspirations, so I thought a more flexible work-from-home situation would solve all of this–but husband thought all my ideas were terrible. I tried getting back into my hobbies, but there wasn’t time or money. (Surprisingly, there was plenty of time for DH’s hobbies.) All of this, combined with being treated as second class in my own home, led to some pretty serious depression. We’ve been in marriage counseling for almost 3 years. The depression has gone away because I’ve been advocating for myself, and my husband now knows I’ll leave him if things go back to the way they were.

        I realize my experience doesn’t apply exactly to the OP’s situation, but I doubt quitting her job is going to solve her problem.

    • Elodie

      Probably too late for you to see this, but I’ve been thinking about you all day and wanted to respond. I’ve been thinking about how I feel tremendous pride in the fact I earn enough to support my family, all on my own. Whatever your husband makes, or doesn’t make, your career has value because you can support your family – you yourself can give your family a very nice life, and a lot of security. In fact, I suspect you are probably one of the 100 or so women in the entire country who make the kind of salary you do….is that not something to feel proud of, independent of your husband makes? A lot of people here have commented on the fact you don’t need to work, but, I actually understand very much why you may want to. I don’t know if charity is your thing, but I get a huge amount of joy from working and knowing that, because I work, I can donate about $20k a year to a cause I care about tremendously . (Obviously, I’m in a different salary world than you are, and my life experience has shaped where I donate my money – but I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and sense of joy from being able to help refugee families from my $130k salary). Is there people or things you care about, that you can use your salary to help empower? When you think about what matters most to you in life, what is it? Can you use some of your salary to make there be more of the good things in the world? It’s much more fun for me on slow days at work to be thinking about what my salary is going to be able to accomplish when I think of it as security for my family, and peace and safety for someone else’s family…

    • AK

      Either re-engage with your job because you enjoy it or pursue something else if you don’t. It sounds like you’ve managed your personal finances well along the way so I imagine you have personal (separate from your spouse) assets there in case of any future disaster (life happens and isn’t always kind).

      You have the flexibility to spend your time in a manner that interests you. Start a consulting business, day trade for yourself, or run for office. A number of people are/were able to hold office because of a spouse’s current or prior income level: Chris/Mary Pat Christie, Mark/Jenny Sanford. **Not a comment on public policy – just recognizing two successful ladies**

  24. JB

    Ugh, what do you wear to a late august wedding, 5:30 PM, at a golf club in the far-out suburbs of Northern Virginia (think shenandoah area). It’s for a male co-worker, and I’m the only female from my office/that I will know going, so I have no one to say hey what are you wearing. The person whose wedding is is of no help – he said he has no idea, “a dress i guess?”…… long or short? Would you consider this “cocktail?” The invite/website says zero about dress code!
    Also, if this is relevant, the bride is Persian, the groom is not. I am under the impression this will be a really large wedding. I’ve actually only been to one wedding before and it was totally non-denominational (married by a sea captain!) Anything I should know?

      • Anon

        Yep. Whatever’s in your closet or on Rent the Runway that’s knee-length. Anything from a department store will do.

    • Pen and Pencil

      +1 cocktail dress. If it is formal you won’t be too underdressed and if it is casual you won’t be too overdressed. I would guess it is cocktail attire anyway.

    • Flats Only

      Based on the one Persian who married into my family, I would expect the Persian contingent to be fabulously well dressed, coiffed and made up. So short cocktail dress and don’t be afraid of sparkle, shine, lace, ruffles, etc.

      • Anonymous

        Yep. I’m Indian – not Persian – but similar kinds of views on weddings; the cocktail dress can (and probably should) be a bright color, or if it’s a dark color get something with a little sparkle or lace or something to make it “fancy.” At those kinds of weddings, it’s “boring” to be in a standard black dress.

    • Senior Attorney

      It’s impossible to overdress for a Persian wedding. Also if the invitation says 5:30 it will likely start at 7. A blingy cocktail dress is fine but I bet everyone on the bride’s side will be full formal. Enjoy! The food will be amazing!

  25. new bed needed

    It seems like the Casper bed has gotten a lot of love here. Has anyone not liked it? Does a cheaper alternative exist?

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I tried out the mattress in their showroom and it was too soft for me. I like a pretty firm mattress.

    • Nelly Yuki

      We stayed on one at an airbnb and hated it. Felt nice when you laid down and but then way too firm for overnight (and I like a firmer bed). As in, so firm that I would wake up because various limbs were falling asleep. (I’m a side sleeper.) And we were both stiff the next morning. Google wirecutter’s review of foam mattresses – we haven’t pulled the trigger yet but it’s VERY thorough. (S/O to Wildkitten for recommending that site consistently enough that I remember it my own now. How are you?)

    • Parfait

      We got a Casper to replace our ancient Tempurpedic and we like it. He’s a back sleeper, I’m a side sleeper, and we are both comfortable on it.

      There are SO many competing options now! I second reading through the Sweethome/Wirecutter reviews; they were very informative.

  26. linkedin

    I just went back on LinkedIn for the first time in a while – it has a cover photo for your profile? What type of photo do people put there? Is this Facebook?

    One connection had a photo of the university he went to, which I thought was fair.

    • AnonZ

      Yeah, it’s weird. I think most people leave it as the default blue. I found an abstract design on Google images and used that. I’ve also seen people use branding from their company.

  27. Anon Engineer

    I poked around other Boden blazers because of this post. Someone please get the Emilia in teal! It is beautiful and would fit perfectly in my wardrobe color scheme, but alas, I am not one of the lucky sizes.

  28. anon

    I like the tweed version. Any idea how these work for long-armed ladies? I’m 5’8″ so not giant, but ill-fitting arms are a persistent issue with blazers.

  29. Rainbow Hair

    Here’s a lighter question. Bridal Showers! I guess my circle of friends (and family) is not particularly traditional, because I’m preparing to go to the first bridal shower I’ve been to in a decade or more. The only other one I’ve been to was my sister’s, and I basically just sat back and let my mom do everything.

    How are they traditionally done? Do you buy something off the couple’s registry for this? Is the gift for the bride or the couple?

    If it’s relevant, the bride is marrying my brother, and they’ve been dating *forever* and I love her and am delighted about the whole thing. They’re in their mid/late 20s and have an apartment and all that, but they aren’t fancy people. They’re kinda artsy and funky — in case you have specific gift ideas!

    • Anonymous

      Just buy a gift from the registry, wrap it, and go, looking cute and festive. Do not go off on your own, use the registry!!!

      • Rainbow Hair

        Is $$$ an appropriate gift here? A gift card to the store they registered at? (It’s a very limited registry, and looks to me like “ugh I know Aunt Mildred will flip if we don’t register for some home goods, so yeah I guess we could use a bathmat.”)

        • Anonymous

          No. The entire point of a shower is opening and oohing and ahhing over gifts. Cash and gift cards do not work for that purpose. If the registry is very small and boring you could ask your brother and soon to be SIL if there’s anything they want that’s not on the registry.
          Cash is fine for the wedding.

        • Anon

          Does the bridal shower have a theme? I have been to a lot that are all about setting up the kitchen – so everyone buys only the kitchen things on the registry or even there is a smaller separate registry. Other themes have included:
          -setting up the bar
          -bringing a favorite recipe
          – Bringing a cookie cutter
          – getting them stuff for the yard

          You might want to ask if there is a gift focus. Sometimes in the midwest its pretty outdated 1950s spouse role stuff where the woman is the housemaker and you are setting up her home.

          • Anonymous

            +1, showers typically have a theme, that will guide what kind of gift to buy. Ask the hostess.

          • Anonymous

            Huh. I’ve been to a bunch of showers and none had a theme. Maybe it’s regional? I’ve been to several showers where we were asked to bring a family recipe or a piece of advice for the bride but since those things are free, we all bought gifts off the registry too. I’ve never been instructed about what kind of gift to bring.

          • Anonymous

            Or I should say, no gift theme. I’ve been to showers with a party theme like “high tea” but that doesn’t dictate what kind of gift to bring.

        • Anonymous

          Cash is always a great gift – nobody actually cares about opening physical gifts aside from the older generations. Put a fancy bow on the envelope for the hat making thing and you will have covered your bases.

          • Anonymous

            But showers are largely for the older generations and I’ve never been to one that didn’t have a sizeable number of moms/aunts/grandmas[in-law]. Unless you’re sure it’s only the bride’s friends attending the shower, I wouldn’t do this. Cash is a great wedding gift.

      • anonymous

        Recent bride here – do not go off-registry. Do not go off-registry. Do not go off-registry. Do not ask if there is a theme (you would know if there was one otherwise) thus putting pressure on the organizer to think OMG theme?! If the registry is tapped out or only has items you don’t want to buy, then give money (either cash or a check made out to one of them or both of them but written as “Jane Doe OR John Smith” – with the bride’s current name otherwise the bride has a harder time cashing it and it requires both of them to sign it if you say “AND”) and write a sweet card.

        • Rainbow Hair

          OK but I’m confused. (1) Definitely give a physical gift for bride to ooh-and-aah over. (2) Don’t go off registry. (3) There’s seriously nothing on the registry that would elicit any reaction except a KitchenAid, and that’s way the F out of my price range. But no money. Except give money.

          I mean, I really think I could do worse things than get a completely returnable gift from the place she’s already registered? Like, I sincerely hope that’s the worst thing that happens to her in this wedding process?

          Eh, maybe I’ll just buy her some nice booze. Oh shit, though, that’s off registry.

          • Anonymous

            At the shower, gift something uninspiring and cheap off the registry. It’s not that complicated. Showers are usually filled with older female relatives and believe me people are plenty capable of oohing and ahhing over bathmats. If the couple registered for these things, they are asking for them and it cannot possibly be a faux pas to give them what they’ve asked for.
            If you really feel like you need to give something more exciting, do that separately and not at the shower (engagement gift?). But, honestly, the couple wants a) the things they’ve registered for and b) cash. And cash is not an appropriate shower gift.

          • Walnut

            My bridal shower was a wine shower. I was a very, very happy recipient of a whole lot of booze!

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Registry gifts usually aren’t that exciting, but those are what’s given at a shower. Don’t overthink it! At my shower, I received colanders, dish towels, sheets, baking tins, a bath mat… none of them are particularly exciting in and of themselves, but they’re perfectly nice, normal gifts!

            Usually gifts like pot and pans sets and Kitchenaids are purchased by moms or close relatives, or otherwise are a group gift, so don’t expect to have anyone look askance at something less “wow”.

          • Anonymous

            Just. Buy. Her. Something. On. Her. Registry.

            Why are you making this difficult?

        • Rainbow Hair

          Oops my response got moderated because I swore.

          Basically, it’s hard to “do not go off registry” + “give money” + “definitely don’t give money, give something she can open to ooh and aah over” + registry is just bathmats that can’t be oohed over (plus one expensive item I can’t afford).

          I understand that it might be annoying to get off registry gifts, but I also think … may the very worst thing that happens to her be her SIL getting her some mule glasses, *from the store she registered at*, that she can easily return.

          Or maybe I’ll just get her a nice bottle of booze and/or a gift card. Though… shoot that’s off registry. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

          • anon

            Get the bathmat. No, it’s not exciting- wedding registries aren’t supposed to be. The traditional point of a registry is to help the couple set up their house together. Their job as the recipient is to thank you nicely, recognize that you are meeting this social custom, and move on to the next gift. They don’t have to give an Oscar-worthy performance about how a bathmat is changing their life. Although I guess it is a nice start to the day to get out of the shower onto a sizable plush mat.
            And yeah, returns are a hassle. Don’t add to the work.

          • ELS

            I hate wedding showers (didn’t have one) generally, but I’d get something off the registry that isn’t ooh and aaah worthy. People will still oooh and aaaah over it. At least they have at every shower I’ve ever attended.

          • Cat

            When people are saying “ooh and ahh” it doesn’t mean you have to literally get a delightful beautiful gift to open – any physical gift from the registry will do.

          • Anonymous

            What is wrong with you Rainbow Hair? She gave you a list of stuff she wants. Buy her some of it and call it a day. No one wants crap they just gotta return.

          • anonymous

            Sometimes stores give you a hard time in returning things. And it’s just more on the to-do list for a bride. Not to mention the stress of what if she doesn’t like it and feels bad returning it because you are her future SIL? Why add that stress?

            Williams-Sonoma for example, even if you bring it into the store, mails you store credit. So not only do you have to wait for the store credit to be mailed to you (and hope it’s in the right amount because you went two weeks ago), but they send you an individual gift card for each return instead of putting it on one. Crate and Barrel requires a manager override to tally them onto the same card and then another override if that card has more than $500. Bed, Bath, and Beyond also gives you separate cards. WS and BBB also have a time limit on when you can return. We spent a full hour returning four items at WS because their computers can’t always do it by registry lookup and even when you have saved every receipt (as we had) they dont have descriptions on the receipts.

            You may be thinking, “stop whining!” or “don’t register for things you don’t want!” but even with best intentions (and not honest mistakes like oops, this is the wrong size, etc.) sometimes things happen like a broken plate arrives or you get a glitch where you ordered 12 flatware sets and received 49 !!! sets because it never marked items as purchased. Both of these happened. All this also assumes that the couple has a car and these stores local to be able to process the return, not to mention the hassle of loading all those boxes into a car and then to the store. And these were things we wanted!! Thanks to short return windows, we got back from our honeymoon and had to scramble to take care of these every weekend afterwards.

            In short, you asked for advice. Get something from the registry and if it’s not ‘enough’, supplement it with some money and write a sweet note.

          • Rainbow Hair

            I guess “what is wrong” with me is that I’m being lectured by Recent Bride who makes it sound like I am going to murder my SIL’s kitten by considering getting her something off registry, AND I am getting 100% contradictory advice, AND I have never been to one of these before and I don’t want to do the wrong thing, which is starting to seem literally impossible. Definitely get her something cute, definitely don’t go off registry, definitely don’t give money, definitely do give money, definitely only give money if no old people will be there (???), ask about a theme, don’t ask about a theme for god’s sake!, etc…

            I legit didn’t know — and am still not entirely clear on? — whether the Wedding Registry is for the Bridal Shower. There doesn’t appear to be a separate Bridal Shower registry.

          • Suburban

            Might be the exception that proves the rule, but in my circle family and future inlaws often go off registry. Usually something handmade and clever or extravagant. My go to when the registry is mostly done is crystal candlesticks from Tiffanys. glad I’m posting late to avoid the flaming…

          • Anonymous

            You have gotten zero contradictory advice. There is one registry. Use it to buy something for her shower.

          • Anonymous

            You have not gotten contradictory advice about the acceptability of buying something from the couples’ registry for the shower. Many, many people said to get a small gift off the registry, even if it’s boring. A few people said cash is acceptable as a shower gift but nobody has said cash is mandatory. A few people also said off-registry was acceptable, but that’s also more controversial. A gift from the registry is always acceptable under any circumstances and is the safest solution if you’re in doubt about cash and/or a non-registry gift.

    • Anon

      Usually you gift from the registry. I think money is more appropriate for the wedding gift, rather than a shower, but that’s just my instinct. If you go off the registry (or even if you’re on it) then make sure you include a gift receipt. Bridal showers are usually gifts addressed to the bride, but really most of the time they are actually gifts for the couple or home. Some bridal showers include lingerie, but consider the audience (we always did that at the bachelorette party so that moms and grandmas and other senior female relatives didn’t up the awkward factor). Couples showers are becoming a thing, but still primarily frowned upon by my parents’ set.

      You might also check their wedding website, if they have one. Sometimes they will say they are looking for donations to a charity, a honeymoon fund (WIDE range of opinions on appropriateness), etc. We got a few off-registry items from Uncommon Goods that I really liked and were artsy and funky to me (but I am not at all artsy and funky, so know your audience).

      Also, when my registry started getting a little thin, my mother said something to me, and we went through and added more stuff. Consider whether this is a case of not knowing better or intentionally not registering for stuff. Even some of my artsy friends were surprisingly traditional when it came to weddings – you’re likely not going to buy a china set at any other point in your life.

    • Scarlett

      Hmm, I’ll disagree a little bit on the majority comments here. I rarely give off a registry for a shower because I’m probably also giving them a wedding gift & that’s what I’ll use the registry for. Maybe I’m cheap here, but I don’t usually spend more than $50 for a shower (usually around $30) & I’ll get something thoughtful I think my friend I’m showering would like (past gifts that have been hits (my friends are honest) are: cookbook, ring holder dish, nice hanger for the wedding dress for photos, lingerie (usually a pretty bathrobe for the honeymoon). For wedding gifts I’m also not a big registry person – our go-to gifts are wine of the month for a period of time (for our friends who are into wine) or an opentable gift certificate. It’s not more “stuff” to collect or return & it’s also pretty common in my age group (over 40) to give more like this – lots more second marriages, established homes & not a lot of people registering.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Thanks for not telling me I’m a monster, Scarlett. (Had planned to give them $ for the wedding itself, though a wine club membership would likely be a huge hit!)

        • Anon

          No one is saying you are a monster….but 95% of the comments are telling you to get something simple off the registry, and you are pretending not to understand. Don’t make a bride return something. Don’t give booze. Get something from the registry.

        • Anonymous

          Srsly get a grip. No one has called you a monster. But you’re being deliberately obstuse. Just buy a registry gift and give it to her.

        • Never too many shoes...

          I do not think you are a monster at all, Rainbow. The problem with this stuff is a lot of it is very culture/location specific. I am Greek. Money is a big thing with us for every party type thing. Some of my “English” friends bought from the registry. One, who is from Michigan (where I guess they do lingerie for showers?), bought me a nightgown that was discussed by the old ladies for some time afterwards.

          My only advise is this – we are not talking about an office acquaintance here. This is your brother’s bride and it sounds like you are friendly. Perhaps you could just approach her and say that you want to get her something that she (and your brother) actually want and see what she says.

        • Anonymous

          Nobody has said you’re a monster, but your resistance to getting them something off their registry is odd. Who cares if you think it’s boring. The registry reflects what the couple wants. If they truly did not want physical gifts or wanted gifts that reflect the gift giver’s own personality and tastes, they could have made the decision not to register.
          Shower gifts are traditionally much less valuable than wedding gifts (this is all very subjective and you should only spend what you want to and can afford, but I typically do $25-50 for a shower and $150-$200 for a wedding) so I don’t understand the resistance to getting them something small and boring from the registry for the shower and giving them a larger cash gift for the wedding.

          • Scarlett

            See I totally get resisting buying off a registry for both a shower and a wedding, actually (although less so for a wedding). Showers typically (wish this would change) involve a gift-opening component & nothing is more snoozeworthy than watching someone open tupperware (except watching the bride pretend to be really excited about it is modestly entertaining). Because of that, I think it’s a really quite dull when people all buy off the registry & a lot more fun if there’s some thought behind the gifts. Also, personally, I like to give gifts that are meaningful & not just to fulfill an obligation to give one (I know, not a summons, not an obligation, etc.). Most of my friends who married w/ registries said they filled them out to have enough items so that people could buy them things, so they weren’t necessarily personal wish-lists. If they were, then I’d feel differently because I could see “oh yay, friend wants this cool thing & I’ll get it for her.” Instead, they tend to be either a collection of high-end wedding gifts type items or a smattering of cheap add-ons (like spoons or measuring cups or whatever). I don’t personally feel like it’s meaningful to give someone a collection of add-on items as a present to honor their wedding. So I go off registry. If someone hates what I bought them, doesn’t like or can’t return it, or whatever, so be it. They can throw it away & I’ll never be the wiser. And with my friends, we all take this approach so even if someone “misses” on a gift here and there, the love and thought behind it isn’t missed. There’s a lot of recommendations on here for the Gottman love languages & I think for people for whom gifting is one of theirs, the “just buy off the registry” advice isn’t ever going to resonate.

          • Rainbow Hair

            Thanks again, for articulating this much better than I have been able to.

    • Lilly

      Caveat: I’m in the South and sometimes it seems we are a bit different. Buy a modest, or even very modest practical gift from the registry. Give the cash or something nicer from the registry (china, decorative things) for a wedding gift. Possibly give a really nice practical gift for the shower and skip the wedding gift. As a friend of mine once put it “don’t give plastic stuff for a wedding gift and don’t give crystal at a shower.”

    • C.R.E.M.

      I can totally feel the frustration coming through on a lot of comments. As a recent bride, here’s my two-cents-worth.

      I got gifts for both the wedding and the shower that were off-registry. Frequently when someone would do something that wasn’t specifically registered for, they would also pair it with something we had registered for (like cute oven mitts with baking pans or wine charms with wine glasses). However, some people just went straight from the registry, and some people went with something completely original.

      However–and I think this part has gotten lost in these comments acting like you’re going to personally snub your sister-in-law if you don’t find “the right thing”–I was *incredibly grateful* for every single gift. Even the ones that weren’t specifically from our registry that people got creative with. Even the ones that were not on our registry that weren’t exactly what we would have chosen. Because at the end of the day, it was so incredibly obvious that all of our friends and family had gone out of their way to buy something special to help us start our lives together–whether that was a couple of the towels we registered for, or some goofy cat coasters my aunt found in Germany and knew we would love, or some hand-painted wine glasses from a grandma that are not necessarily our taste, but we use and love because of where they came from.

      The closer you are to the bride, the safer you’ll be if you decide to stray from the registry, because you know her and her future spouse’s tastes. And ultimately, she’s going to be so thrilled that you were there to celebrate with them and wanted to give them something special.

      I, for the most part, do not remember who gave me cash, who gave me registry gifts, and who got creative. What I do remember is crying over the incredibly sweet cards and words of encouragement that everyone gave me along the way. We’ve already broken some of the china we were given, and ruined a towel or two, but the cards and photos and memories will be with us for much much longer.

      So don’t stress too much. And don’t let random people on the internet convince you that most brides are out here keeping tallies of who snubbed them by not buying the perfect thing. The only proper reaction to a gift–even one you don’t end up liking or have to return–is heartfelt gratitude, and that’s the only emotion I’ve ever seen from couples when talking about the gifts they received.

      Whatever you went with, whether playing it safe from a registry or buying something you felt they’d really love, I’m sure it was fine. :)

  30. How do you get over the guy?

    I’ve been on and off with a guy for two years. I know we will not end up together; we’ve discussed it, and he has said consistently that he is not in a position to be in a long-term relationship. We recently picked up again, after a four-month break. Talking to him makes me happy, but only in the short-term. Before long, I start envisioning a future together that I know will not materialize.

    Even when we weren’t talking, I thought about him all the time.

    I have a tendency to be obsessive and not let go of romantic possibilities. I online date; I don’t click with most people I meet, so when I meet someone I really click with, letting go feels so difficult. What do I tell myself and what do I do to break this harmful cycle?

    • Anonymous

      Stop talking to him. Unfriend, unfollow, block his number. He is not a romantic possibility because he has repeatedly told you he doesn’t want you. He’s a jerk who is using you and you are letting him.

      • Anonymous

        +1000

        While you’re wasting time with Mr. I Don’t Really Want You, I Just Like Having You As A Back-up Chick for Lonely Nights, you are passing up opportunities to meet a nice man who really likes you and will treat you well, want to build a future together, etc. You are settling for crumbs from a guy who doesn’t really care about you. Sooner or later, he will meet his Ms. Right and you will get dropped like a bad habit. Don’t believe it when guys say “I have trouble with commitment” or “I just can’t get serious with anyone right now.” If his dream girl came along, and wouldn’t put up with his BS, he would get serious. P.s., you are not his dream girl, and never will be. If you were, he wouldn’t be j e r king you around like this. And you deserve better than being someone’s fallback option when he’s ready to settle.

        You’re allowing this guy to waste your precious time and mental energy. He doesn’t deserve you. Cut yourself loose and don’t look back.

      • Anon

        I don’t see why he’s a jerk. He’s made his feelings crystal clear. Nothing in OP’s comment implies that he’s deceiving or manipulating her in anyway. But I do agree with the advice of breaking it off and going no contact.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I have historically been the sl*tty one, so grains of salt, but:

      I think you’d be emotionally better off hooking up with/having fun with guys who you don’t feel this way about. It’s the imbalance here that’s making it hard. You DO see/want a future, he doesn’t. For fun, you should *both* not see/want a future, y’know? My advice is to have some fun flings to remind yourself that dating can be fun, then reevaluate what you’re looking for (and don’t call this guy again, he stinks).

      Check out Dua Lipa “New Rules.”

    • So Anon for This

      There is nothing really to do but cut all contact with him and try to move on. Four years ago (wow I can’t believe it was that long ago!) I fell for a coworker/boss who had a girlfriend. We ended up in affair-territory, but I always knew he wasn’t going to leave his girlfriend. We worked together constantly, so even when I tried to cut contact, I couldn’t. Two years ago I finally left that job, one that I loved and with no other job lined up, because I knew I was not going to be able to get over him seeing him and talking to him every day.

      It’s now two years later, I have a better job, a new boss that I love (but in a totally appropriate way), I’ve dated a few guys since then and had one serious relationship, and have completely cut contact with him or anyone that would even bring him up. However… I don’t think that a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about him, although now it’s mostly just in passing. But it is so much easier for me to just live my life without him in it. Like you, I always knew I would never end up with him, but even just having lunch or talking about work for a few minutes would make me so happy for that short time. But in the long term I knew I had to let it go and the longer I prolonged it the longer it was for me to get on with my life. Even though it was so hard for me to leave, looking back I was honestly so miserable and only getting worse, even though there were moments where I was so happy. It was just so hard to see when it was how I was currently living my life.

      So, that was a long story about me to tell you that you need to stop talking to him and move on! I am still looking for someone that I not only click with and want to be with, but one who also wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I wish I had a better ending for you, but at least know you’re not alone. But seriously, delete him from your phone, block him online, and just stop engaging with him. Eventually he’ll just be someone you used to date. But if he’s in your life, he’s always going to be blocking you from moving on.

    • January

      I can relate to your last paragraph especially. I think you’re just going to have to be the one to cut the cord. (And I know, it’s so hard to do). Rainbow Hair is right – if you’re going to do something like this, you have to both not want a relationship with each other. But I have not personally found that I can have fun flings where I don’t want more. You may be the same way.

  31. Anontoday

    So, I had a very wet commute this morning – walk to the bus with DS, get on the bus, then train to work. I looked like a drowned rat when I arrived, at least from the waist down (and bonus: we saw an *actual* drowned rat on the way to the bus! Super fun stuff!)

    But! My eyebrows are totally on point today. I just needed to boast a bit about something completely superficial that I can’t actually boast about IRL. :)

    • cat socks

      Haha, my eyebrows are on point too. It’s been so humid where I live, good hair days are out. I’ve settled for good brows days.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I hear you. I’m just happy that my eyeliner looks the same on both sides, and I even remembered eyelid primer today.

      • lsw

        Completely off-topic but….do you use eyelid primer when you just use eyeliner? Or do you use shadow, too?

    • Rainbow Hair

      Yay, brows on point! Maybe I’ll actually leave the office on my lunch break today and get mine threaded.

  32. easy fast brunch

    I am having a gentleman friend stay the night this weekend and I want to have some things around for a lazy morning and breakfast the next AM. I don’t usually eat breakfast at home (will have a protein shake/cereal/oatmeal/maybe hit the cafeteria once at my desk at work) so I don’t have a ton of stuff around, but I like to cook and am otherwise well-stocked and comfortable in the kitchen.

    I’m considering smitten kitchen’s french toast bake + bacon (can put them both in the oven at the same time) and fresh berries? I can almost totally make ahead and it looks pretty simple. but if anybody has any quick delicious other suggestions, I would love to hear them! Also considered making a frittata/quiche.

    • Anonymous

      I’d have eggs, cheese, and a vegetable on hand. Making French toast and bacon seems like trying way too hard to impress. Have coffee tea and milk.

      • AIMS

        I agree, don’t make too much of an effort. Good quality ingredients and you make them quickly in the AM while you drink coffee. I think good English muffins or other bread, eggs, cheddar and maybe some bacon/Canadian bacon is all you need to make a delicious egg sandwich.

    • Anonymous

      I agree, you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard.

      Is there something you can pick up from the store, or a local restaurant that does take-and-heat meals that could throw in the oven or on the stove to heat up? Like, oh look, I forgot I had this but won’t it be good for breakfast? What came to mind for me was the frozen croissants from Trader Joe’s, but those have to proof for 8 hours.

      Or, maybe get some nice croissants, the berries and some yogurt, which isn’t over the top but is a nice upgrade on “here’s some Cheerios and milk.”

      • pugsnbourbon

        Croissants, fruit, and cheese with coffee sounds very European and classy and romantic. And also easy.

      • CHJ

        Pepperidge Farm turnovers don’t need to proof and cook in about 30 minutes with no effort. Plus they make your house smell good.

    • easy fast brunch

      to clarify, it’s not our first time doing this, but usually we are at his house and he cooks for me. last time at my apartment we went out the next morning, which was fine, but sometimes nice to not have to drag ourselves out just for food.

      I have eggs and cheese and lunch meat, so maybe I should just pick up some breakfast-y bread product and call it a day?

      • Flats Only

        Plan on egg / cheese / vegetable omelet, and have bread/English muffins that he can toast while you do the eggs.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I think your first instinct was perfect based on this info. Get up, put on coffee, throw pre-mixed toast bake and bacon in the oven, return to bed for, whatever, and then…bacon and warm breakfast. It sounds perfect to me.

        • Anonymous

          I agree. I think French toast sounds perfect. My guy would love this too.

      • nom nom

        I think this is a lovely idea – go for it

        (and also I’ve made the SK french toast bake and it is FANTASTIC. delicious and would be a very fun treat for you two)

      • So good at adulting

        If he usually cooks for you, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting in some effort for a tasty morning meal. That is one of the fun parts of adult sleepovers, especially on weekends! French toast/bacon/berries sounds lovely.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          No kidding! The first time I spent the night, my now-husband made crepes in the morning. I didn’t think “ugh, try-hard”, I thought “MOAR NUTELLA, PLZ!”.

    • Anon

      My favorite part of every weekend is preparing that one special recipe that I’ve decided to make that weekend, so for me, a make-ahead French toast casserole that isn’t all that much of a fuss would be completely normal. (I’m not much of a weeknight cook, but I love to fiddle around in the kitchen on the weekend to make something special.)

    • anon

      I wouldn’t do any of this. Too Suzy homemaker and it’s not really you. Have great coffee, good bagels and some fresh fruit on hand.

      You’re already giving him something very nice, you don’t have be so extra. :)

    • Anonymous

      I’d call UberEats because I’m a lazy person who would rather lay in bed than cook…

    • Anonymous

      NYTimes has a vegetable frittata recipe that is always a hit, and healthy to boot (it’s called more-vegetable-than-egg frittata). It takes a while to set but is very low maintenance while cooking. I’d serve that and a side of bacon. Asparagus is my favorite veggie to use.

  33. Anonymous

    Salary questions –

    Can anyone ballpark how much Recruiting Managers/Senior Recruiting Managers make at biglaw fims (think AmLaw 100 type firms) esp. in NYC? I’ve seen tons of people going into these jobs after being associates for 2-5 yrs – so they have JDs. They seem to go into an in-between “manager” job — not the recruiting department folks who are 22-25 right out of college and not something like Director of Recruiting, which I’m seeing at many firms as someone who is 50+ yrs old.

    Separately – any guesses for Manager of Professional Development at McKinsey? McK seems to have TONS of these managers. I don’t know if they sit in HR or someplace else; my understanding is that they do a lot of coordination of seminars, associate reviews etc. Glassdoor seems to list total comp for that at 163-222k (with about a 70k bonus; 20k profit sharing). Is that accurate? Lot higher than I’d expect – so I don’t know if the Glassdoor sample is skewed.

    • Anon for this

      NALP tells me that in NY, a RM can make:
      median 124,000
      average 127,768
      half of survey response salaries fall between 110,000 – 140,000

      Nationally, with a JD, RM numbers look more like:
      med 103,500 / avg 107,840 / half fall between 92,000 – 115,000

      Be aware that in many big law offices, the recruiting teams are going to lean on people who have done recruiting before, not necessarily the legal end of the job. JDs can have a harder time breaking in at the RM level, because there’s probably a very well-trained and respected non-JD RCoord ready to promote. This varies, of course, but FYI

    • Anon for this

      They are most likely in professional development roles, by the way. That’s where the JD holders can be really powerful. That, or possibly diversity roles.

  34. Calibrachoa

    Ladies,

    What on earth do you wear for a team outing at a gastropub with your boss’s boss’s boss? We are all going straight from work, the company dresscode is business casual and the man himself is wandering around today in blue jeans and a collared shirt.

    I *would* ask my colleagues who have been here longer than a week and a half (I love this new job btw) but the two other ladies in the team are cosigning the question. XD

    • Rainbow Hair

      I would wear a not-too-loud floral dress, maybe with flats to change into. It’s hard to be *wrong* in something like that, even if you’re not exactly right.

    • AnonyM

      I would just wear whatever I wore to the office that day. I wouldn’t overthink the wardrobe choice. Keep it business casual and you’ll be fine.

    • Anonymous

      Whatever you’d wear to work on a day when you’re feeling particularly nice looking.

  35. NOLA

    Got my NAS order and I’m really disappointed. I’m sending it all back. The Bobeau fleece cardigan I ordered was cancelled. I’m not sure the size I ordered actually existed and now the other sizes are backordered. I gave up.

    I ordered the Sam Edelman Raisa bow flat in an 8W in the Classic Nude leader and and 8M in the Cranberry suede. Neither fit. The 8W was too tight and short and the 8M was way too narrow on my foot. The cranberry suede is definitely more like a dark pink, not red as it appeared on the screen. I like them well enough (love the gunmetal spikes on the bow) that I might try another size.

    I also ordered the Cole Haan Lacey Ankle Strap Wedge pump. These would have been a winner for me except that the strap is too short to buckle comfortable over my very high instep. I could add a hole to the strap, but I’m not sure it would add enough length. I’m finding this a lot where the strap is high. I don’t have fat feet or thick ankles – it’s just that that part of my foot is very high. Ugh. Sending them back. I guess also, the wedge is covered with suede so I probably would have scratched them up fairly quickly.

    • nutella

      I had some hits and misses but love the hits! Got two cashmere long cardigans because if I’m honest with myself I will wear them just about every cold day for the next few years (got a Vince and Halogen one). I got the Chelsea28 Lace Back sweater for weekendwear and it is so cuuuuute. Ordered the Hinge Barris booties and they are cute and very comfortable but just don’t hit me at the right place to be flattering that I would wear them often enough. Lush Ruffle t-shirt dress was a miss, pockets hit at the wrong place on me. Joie Ailey suede jacket is gorgeous. I have a leather all-saints jacket that I wear all the time since I bought it… 6 years ago, so I think this one will get good use, too. I got the Treasure and Bond Merrick sneaker and they are SO soft and cushy and comfortable and look great.

      Also totally frivolous but I will wear them a lot – I bought the Steve Madden pearl mules and the Hugh embellished mule after being so convinced I would never ever wear mules and they are sooooooo fab, very comfortable, and look great with everything I pair them with. They both look like expensive designer shoes and are just the right dash of cute and fun for someone who otherwise wears a lot of basic neutrals.

        • nutella

          Well… it depends. In the normal size foot range, mine are on the wider side but I still buy normal width shoes, so it’s hard to say. The only way to really know is to try them on! Note that with sneakers at least you can loosen the laces, as I have done with all of my running shoes, just like my narrow-footed friends lace theirs super tight.

    • Country Biscuits

      Yeah, I was meh on mine – the Trouve Wrap Blouse and the Caslon knit blazer. Both too big but probably won’t reorder. I did get a few Simpatico candles that I look forward to burning. I wish I knew what else to order on this last day of preview.

  36. anon

    This is such a stupid rant, but I was added to the Facebook group for my 20th high school reunion last year. It makes me want to barf. Despite being in lots activities and holding leadership positions, those people made my life miserable for the better part of 13 years. (Small rural town, no way to escape or ever start fresh.) Many of my friends were in the class below mine and I was pretty actively left out of my class’s social scene for many years. It’s such a stupid thing: I wasn’t friendless and I wouldn’t call myself “bullied,” but I remember feeling more misery than happiness most of the time and having persistent feelings of not fitting in. In hindsight, I could’ve benefited from counseling to work through those feelings in my teen years, but nobody did that and it’s not like my rural community was chock-full of mental health resources. To this day, there are times that I struggle from social anxiety and feeling like people must hate me. Because for years, I felt ignored and misunderstood by my closest peers. (Again, no escape. These people were in every part of my experience: school, church, extracurricular activities.)

    I’ll probably unsubscribe from the reunion updates, but I feel so dumb/weak for feeling this way. I have great friends and a good life. It’s been 20 years. Why does this childhood BS still get me down from time to time, and why do I put so much emphasis on the stuff I hated from that time vs. the good things (including some friendships that I still have to this day)? Maybe it’s because I felt powerless to change my situation. This is the real downside of growing up in a small town.

    • Anonymous

      I think a large number of people feel this way about high school, even people who were ‘popular’ which it sounds like you kind of were. Just unsubscribe from the group and don’t go to the reunion.

      • Jax

        I’m realizing this more and more. We (30 somethings? not sure if this is an age/generation thing or universal to all of us?) all feel like high school was our own special brand of torture where we didn’t fit in, and we carry that angst over into adult life. None of us felt like we fit in.

        Is it because we all watched My So Called Life and Gilmore Girls and aspired to be like cool-but-outcast leads? Is it just the reality of being 14-17 and shoved in the same peer group comparing and competing with other girls? Is it because we all thought if we weren’t Regina George (or Jessica Wakefield) than we were losers?

        So much therapy potential, here. OP–you’re so not alone! And your not the only person from your high school who felt trapped or didn’t fit in.

    • Anonymous

      Definitely unsubscribe, and no way in helI go to that reunion.

      It is normal for these memories to come flooding back when reunion time rolls around. And you are normal to feel this insecure about them, considering your childhood experiences. The impact of your childhood is HUGE HUGE HUGE and for many (most?) of us with challenging childhoods, it is very hard to put it completely behind you without extensive therapy.

      But you’ve done it. You made it out. You succeeded. You are happy. Unsubscribe.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I so agree with the above. Unsubscribe, ignore, and, above all, do not go.

    • Anon

      FWIW, I wasn’t even invited to my high school’s reunion group, despite still being connected on facebook with a good number of former classmates. I clicked on it out of curiosity and saw the admin of the group was someone who had hated me back then…she was the typical popular cheerleader type and I was not, though I was involved with some clubs/extracurriculars and had to interact with her. At first I was hurt, but then you have to laugh. Some people just don’t change. I never went and I don’t regret it.

      • Anon

        I should add that she made every effort to exclude me back then so the feeling of exclusion definitely came back when I realized she was doing it again. It’s normal to feel that way.

    • Cat

      This is a totally normal feeling! I had a fine time in high school – wasn’t popular but also wasn’t trying to be, nor was I bullied – and I had totally no interest in going to my 10th. The people I cared about, I kept up with (that would be exactly 3 people) and the rest? Whatever.

    • ME

      I know a woman who went to the high school in our relatively wealthy suburb ages ago. She is still kind of bitter about the snobbiness issues and such that she experienced at high school. She told me that it wasn’t until their 50th reunion (!) that everybody was nice and not judging each other.

    • Anonymous

      I went to my 10-year HS reunion and it was a good reminder of why I mostly hated high school. The snobby kids were still snobby, nothing had changed. I remember telling my husband, well, I did it, I went to A reunion and now I don’t need to do that again.

      They tried to get me on the planning committee for the 20 year; I politely declined and unsubscribed from all groups and emails. The reunion didn’t end up happening, and now there are rumblings about doing one at 25 years. I’m not interested.

      There’s no rule that says you have to stay involved with people you didn’t really know, didn’t really like, and haven’t stayed in touch with, just because you knew them for four years 20 years ago. It’s really arbitrary, if you think about it. So just opt out. Say no thanks, and unsubscribe or block any other communication about it. And there’s no need to feel weird or guilty about it. High school is just something that happened to you; one thing among many things. It only has the significance you give it. I sympathize with how you feel, but the best way for me to get over how I felt was to let go of all of it 100%.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I just want to validate that high school is such an emotional time, you’re vulnerable and you’re still growing into an adult, and people can be so mean, AND it’s a time where being included feels like the most important thing in the world… you’re NOT dumb or weak for having an emotional reaction to being reminded of that stuff!

      (Gently, though, if therapy would’ve helped back then, why not give it a whirl now? Not because you shouldn’t have those feelings, but because I don’t want you to beat yourself up for having them.)

  37. Disclose pregnancy?

    I just found out a few days ago that I am pregnant (4 weeks on Saturday). This is my third child and was not planned, but we are happy (if a little anxious). I received an offer today for a job – when I interviewed, I did not know I was pregnant and I did not expect to become pregnant. I want to accept and wait to disclose the pregnancy until I am past 12 weeks. Would it be better to disclose before I accept the offer, and try to negotiate maternity leave (since I won’t be covered by FMLA)? The new job is a remote staff attorney position at a very large law firm. If the pregnancy had been just a few months later, I would have been guaranteed a four-month paid maternity leave (groan).

    Any advice is welcome!

    • Anonymous

      Oof this is tough. Would you still want the job if you’ll have minimal, unpaid leave? I wouldn’t so I would probably disclose now and negotiate. I think they should give you four months paid if that’s their standard. You’ll be there almost a year before you take leave.
      But if this is a dream job you’d take regardless of how leave negotiations go, then don’t disclose.

    • Anonymous

      I was in the second situation — dream job I’d take regardless of how the negotiations go — and did not disclose. I did tell my boss my very first day of work, acknowledge the bad timing, and confirm that I would do everything I could to minimize the impact.

      I also missed out on some pretty amazing paid parental leave benefits by a few months, but I was still able to take 12 weeks off, and 8 of that was with full pay.

      • Anonymous

        coming back because I forgot to say congratulations! On both the pregnancy and job offer. Just for some encouragement: This was me almost 2 years ago and I have no regrets about anything. Especially with your 3rd kid (mine was also 3rd), you probably have a good idea of how you’ll handle pregnancy and parenthood. I feel like my boss was probably more chill about it because it was my 3rd kid and she didn’t unexpectedly have a first-time mom-to-be wildcard on her hands. She was actually incredibly supportive (eg, allowing me the 12 week maternity leave).

        to the other commenter’s point below, 6 weeks of my 8 weeks paid was short term disability, the other two were PTO. The generous leave and group STD policy was one reason I opted not to say anything before accepting the job.

    • Secretly pregnant OP

      Thanks to both of you. It is not my dream job, but my current job is awful – no job security because the firm is having financial problems, and people are leaving left and right. I don’t really think I have any choice but to accept it, since I’ve been looking for a long time and this will be a good fit for my family. I’ve probably answered my own question – wait to disclose since I would accept the job either way.

  38. Anon

    Sort of a fun question and I’d like to take a poll. I realize this is different for everyone so I’m honestly curious, especially for adults/professionals – at what point in a relationship did you and your significant other first exchange “I love you”….do you remember how long you had been together and who said it first?

    • Rainbow Hair

      It’s weird that I can do this math, since it was in 2008, but 4 months. (I remember what my FB profile pic was, so I looked at the date to do the math.) I knew I loved him like… right away. Way too early, objectively, to know that. I said it first but we had been dancing around it for a month or so — I knew he felt the same way.

    • Anonymous

      Seven months, he said it first (I wanted to say it after…a month? at most but was waiting for him). It was the hardest seven months of my life because we had started discussing specifics of marriage and kids almost immediately and were unofficially living together after a couple of months. It turned out he had just been scared and waiting for me to say it (he also grew up in a family that didn’t use that word so I think it didn’t feel natural for him to say it). Anyway now we’re married and he says it all the time.

    • Carrots

      4 months – it was Jan 2nd and we were watching a sappy movie after being at my parents for the day and having spent New Years away with some friends. I said it first and in the middle of me saying I didn’t expect anything back, he said it too.

    • anon

      Been together 16 years and married for 8 years. No memory of the first time we said it, who said it, or the timing. I guess we’re not super-sentimental, but our relationship is still going strong.

    • Case

      A couple weeks (2-3 I think) – which is definitely very quick, but it was a “when you know, you know” situation.

    • Senior Attorney

      This is fun! Lovely Husband is not a Feelihgs Talker and early on I asked him about it and he said “I let my actions speak for me.” Well, his actions were consistently lovely and before too long I was smitten. But I always was of the “the one who says it first loses” philosophy, so I bit my tongue for months.

      Finally, though, I realized two things: (1) if I waited for him to say it first I’d wait forever, and (2) I am a huge Feelings Talker and at some point not saying it just started to feel wrong. So one night in the dark I busted out some George Eliot: “I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved. I do not know if you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.”

      He gulped and stammered and allowed as how I was very dear, too. And once we got engaged a few months later he started using the L word with impunity. I’d say at this point he’s a pretty good Feelings Talker, at least with me.

    • anon

      Eight weeks? In hindsight, that was probably too soon but we’d known each other for awhile before dating.

    • anon

      4 weeks in. But we had been close friends for almost 2 years before we started dating.

    • anon

      I can’t imagine saying I love you to someone I’d only known for 3 months, much less a few weeks. That floors me, but to each their own, of course.

      Single now, but in my headed-toward-marriage relationship we said I love you a few months before we started dating, but we were friends for 10 months before that.

    • Calibrachoa

      So my gf and I were good friends for a long time before we got together – 2+ years. because it is socially acceptable in female friendship etc, etc, love yous were exchanged on a regular basis. The first time one of us (=me) said “I am *in* love with you” was the catalyst of us getting together.

    • Anon because everyone in my life knows this story

      We met in October, casually dated through January, ended it for a few weeks, then really started DATING with a capital D around Valentines day. We both knew immediately that this was for real- he kept saying he was crazy about me that winter. We said we loved each other (both of us, in the course of a conversation) while a little bit drunk and both euphorically happy late on St. Patricks Day. This was 5+ years ago- we’re getting married this fall. I’m still every bit as smitten as I was then.

    • Foolish Fox

      BF and I were in high school, so I wanna say a few weeks. He said it first, and when I said it back he picked me up and spun me in a circle. 12 years later we still both say it a lot.

  39. Taxes

    For those of you who own your house outright and your taxes aren’t escrowed, how does your local gov’t handle payments?

    I inherited a small and annoying piece of rural property. The local city/county/school district only accept paper checks mailed in and with the accompanying coupon indicating what quarter the payment is for. (Heaven help you if you lose that coupon.) There’s no electronic option of any sort – no auto-withdrawal, nothing. Is this the norm? I feel like it’s 2017 and this is nutty that I still have to mail in paper checks.

    • nutella

      I guess this depends on the county. I own my place outright and have the option of either paying by mailing in a check, doing a direct deposit, or paying by credit card. I choose direct deposit (has a $2 transaction fee) because they changed the fee on the credit card payment to be 5% of your tax bill which is way too high (it used to be $2, too, and was worth the points, but no more). Check by mail (or in person) has no fee other than postage or time wasted at the county paying your bills, but I don’t mail it because of the risk of loss in the mail or it not being received on time. For the $2 transaction fee for direct deposit, it is worth not waiting in line, worrying about the mail losing it, and I get confirmation emails, which I save.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I don’t own my home outright but my town requires sewer and water payments to be made the same way. I can’t even have my bank send a check via online banking because the check must be received with the little coupon stub. Luckily, I live next door to the water works and pass the sewer dept on my way to work so I just hand deliver them each month.

    • Anonymous

      We can pay online but there’s no autopay option and we have to pay fees (I know fees are standard for credit card bill payments, but we have to pay even to pay online from a bank account) so I usually mail a check. I believe my locality only started doing online payments in the last couple of years. Small city, red state.

      • Anonymous

        Also I’m not sure I’d want my property taxes on autopay even if it was an option. Cable bill? Sure. But this is a little more significant and I like to keep tabs on how it’s changing.

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