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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Shirred Henley Blouse

Emerald long sleeved blouse with split neck with tab collar

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

If you’re looking to add some long-sleeved blouses to your fall wardrobe, Loft has a whole boatload right now. I like this collarless blouse for layering under both cardigans and blazers this season. I would pair this with wide-legged camel pants or tucked into a midi skirt for an easy business casual look.

The top is $54.95, but marked down by 40% with the promo code WANT. It comes in sizes XS-XL.

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Sales of note for 12.5

267 Comments

  1. Does anyone want to shop for me? ISO awesome looking power dress for me to accept an award in November. In New England so long sleeves would be nice. No black, no navy, no blue. Also styling suggestions – are tights really ‘out’? If so, maybe I should go with a suit instead?

    1. Size and budget? If you’re looking for under 600 I’d look at Boss, Theory, Black Halo (like the one from earlier this week), or the Fold London. The Fold seems to do the most in color – Palmerston Dress, Melrose dresses would be my picks. If you’re willing to spend more on something unique I’d look at Akris, L’agence, or Saks has a ‘the new suit’ section that has some really cool options!

    2. Personally, especially in New England in the winter, I think tights can be great. Especially textured tights. With the right dress and shoes, it can be a great look, so I’d focus on finding a dress you love and you can figure out whether to wear a hose or tights or whatever after that.

      But I agree, price and size guidelines would be helpful, but what a fun event! When I was admitted to my high school athletic hall of fame (which is absurd an event as it sounds like), I went with a teal, kind of body-con dress, do you know if this is a more formal or a more c*cktail type event? And what’s your feeling on patterns?

      1. Personally, especially in New England in the winter, I think tights can be great. Especially textured tights. With the right dress and shoes, it can be a great look, so I’d focus on finding a dress you love and you can figure out whether to wear a hose or tights or whatever after that.

        But I agree, price and size guidelines would be helpful, but what a fun event! When I was admitted to my high school athletic hall of fame (which is absurd an event as it sounds like), I went with a teal, kind of body-con dress, do you know if this is a more formal or a more c*cktail type event? And what’s your feeling on patterns?

      3. IDK what the answer is (knee-high boots all winter?), but while I like black tights generally, I feel that they are so limiting on what you can wear with them that I am yearning for nude hose by mid-winter. Otherwise, it’s just too much all-black and too much variations on marled gray with black tights/shoes all winter. I get a bright patterned dress with tights, but it’s got to be strong-ish colors (and yet red/black I don’t like — reminds me of my high school varsity jacket).

        1. Knee high boots all winter in cold and snowy places is the answer, yes. I stalk Boden and other places and buy them on sales in March or so. I currently have black (stretch fabric) , light brown leather, dark brown leather, wine suede, and grey leather boots that I regularly pull out to wear with dresses and skirts. In Feb/March, tights alone aren’t warm enough and pants get gross in the salty slush. I’m eyeing the fold patent crocodile pattern boots as they’d look amazing with jewel tones but they’re pretty $$ at the moment. Are they super trendy? Nope, but I’m warm, dry, and it breaks up the monotony of black tights + black shoes for 5 months.

        2. I wear knee high boots a lot in the winter – if that’s a look you like, it looks great with a lot of dresses.

      4. Ha! I don’t think it sounds absurd at all (maybe because many of my cousins and friends are in their high school’s athletic hall of fame?).

    3. Size 6-8, budget nothing like even the Fold, I look at those dresses and then think “eh” and buy something from Asos usually. It is “business” attire event so not c-tail leaning.

      2. Banana’s Stella Sheath Dress is amazing. It totally does not work for my COVID-15 shape, but is just stunning when it fits. Comes in camel and black. Wool. Lined. I actually considered investing in Spanx – Skimms – Whatevers to rein in my pooch, but OMG I love this dress for my prior shape.

      3. OK I would then look for something structured at Nordstrom Rack. Try Maggy London, Donna Morgan etc.

    5. This is the only place I have ever seen a suggestion of tints being “out” but that said, they don’t look awesome with a dressy dress. If I’m going to a wedding or something I suck up bare legs or wear nylons.

      1. +1 tights are never out in cold climates :) but there are certain occasions where they’re not the right look (formal attire).

        1. Except for funeral attire, which is the most formal of formal b/c it’s somber, I thought that all of the women wearing black tights looked very formal and polished. I’m coming around to tights again after the queen’s funeral coverage.

          1. Oh yes, tights always work for funerals. While it’s a formal/somber occasion, most of us don’t wear our most formal wear to funerals though. I usually wear a black sheath that I often wear to work, even though I have several items of clothing in my closet that are more formal.

          2. FWIW, I would say most of the women were wearing black hose, not black tights, to the funeral events.

            I think of tights as opaque daywear.

          3. Between hose/tights, tights are thicker and possibly warmer and possibly harder to wreck? Am I right in remembering hose as delicate and easy to snag (esp. with boots)? But I have issues now with tights bagging around my ankles (or more wrinkling on the top opposite my heel area) and maybe I need opaque hose? Something more stretchy that molds more to me?

          4. No one had black tights at the funeral. They had sheer black hose. Tights are opaque.

          5. That’s a location specific distinction. In British English hose are just low-denier tights. In winter I live in black tights, usually 60-80 denier, but would go down to 20-30 for a formal event, maybe?

          6. Ribena, I think we’re actually saying the same thing in different language – we wouldn’t use ‘hose’ to refer to opaque tights, but use ‘hose’ would to refer to sheer coverage of any hue!

          7. Yes exactly! I also think skin-coloured hose look odd with tall boots, because to my mind they’re there to mimic the bare leg look but with more warmth or polish, and if it’s cold enough to encase your leg in leather it’s warm enough that that’s not the goal to me – kind of like wearing a big puffer coat and flip flops but at the opposite end of the formality spectrum.
            All this to say – I think a formal look with hose or tights is totally possible BUT you have to take that into account for shoe choice and choose something with a closed toe

          8. And also regional, west coast here and I’ve always heard nylons not hose, but they’re referencing the same thing.

    6. Libelula has some colorful dresses and skirts I would personally feel like a million bucks in.

  2. I clicked the link to the Loft blouse featured, and while browsing around found a chambray shirt there if the poster who posted ISO one yesterday happens to read this.

      1. Aww, you are so kind, Curious! I’ve calmed down, I slept well last night, and am just mildly on edge waiting for some sort of resolution (my panicked email was ignored, I suspect they are assessing the scale of the problem). I met this week and she said “I knew they’d figure out they’d need me!” and now I’m feeling weirdly paranoid that she didn’t tell me bits so they’d realise how “valuable” she was?
        I’m off tomorrow to Montreal – 3 days of touristing, 3 days of workshop, which is stressful timing generally (week 2 of the teaching term) but I’m looking forward to a bit of a time to myself.
        Kiddo was super grumpy last night and I told him he hurt my feelings, and he said “Sorry mumma, sometimes I get grouchy when you’re going away!” which I felt like was admirable insight from a 5 year old.

        1. That’s definitely an odd power play on the assistant’s part. I wonder what’s going on there. I’m glad you slept better. Kiddo has been wise from the start and he’s such a sweetie. I hope Montreal turns out to be lovely and has at least a few low-stress moments! Safe travels :)

          1. She hates her line manager, which is what she told me in the first email she sent me when I started. I emailed her asking if the process I was proposing sounded correct and she told me she couldn’t help me at all… when I very clearly missed one essential step.

  4. Is it just me or do black jeans fit completely differently than regular denim? I usually buy curvy fit jeans (straight size) that have more room in the hips but still have a narrow waistband. My favorite blue jeans are Joes “Honey” and 7 “Gweneviere”. When I try on a black pair of the same style they’re always too tight on the hips yet awkwardly baggy in other places. Any recommendations for curvy fit black jeans? I’d happily take any leg style at this point!

    1. Levis curvy are amazing if you can find them. May be on Amazon of their site — it’s worth the hunt. They stretch and are amazing. Size up a size or two.

    2. Black dyed fabrics behave differently than fabrics dyed in other colors. Black bras are tighter/smaller than white ones. Might affect jeans with stretch as well.

      1. Well that makes me feel a bit better about the black jeans I ordered – in my regular size – that were wildly too small.

    3. I bought some curvy black jeans (bootcut, high waist) at LOFT a while ago and the fit is amazing. I don’t know if they are still available.

    4. Speaking of Loft, I have two pairs of the same jeans, purchased at the same time, same size, same cut, and the black ones are too small two weeks of the month. I knew that black stuff runs small (I had the joy–genuinely!–of running today in my favorite black sportsbra, while the white one I only use for lifting), but for some reason they didn’t feel as tight in the store.

    6. I did not know black jeans fit differently! I have two Levi’s – black and blue – in the same size and the black is much smaller. I just thought it was inconsistent sizing!

  5. Shoe shopping help! I’m going to back to back black tie weddings in mid October in PA. One is entirely indoor (church wedding) and the other is an outdoor ceremony/cocktail hour and indoor reception. I usually do a fun sandal for a wedding, but worry it might be too chilly.

    The one dress is a dark royal blue or light navy and is slightly shorter in the front so the shoes will be on display. The other dress is black and gold.

    I would love to rewear the shoes (and likely the dresses) to several more weddings over the coming years (I’m late 20s so the weddings are just starting!). Both weddings will have a LOT of dancing, so would like to be comfortable.

    2. Low block heel sandal, in black or gold is what I would suggest. Look at Steve Madden. It won’t be too cold for them in October, in my opinion. Bring a pair of fold-up ballet slippers with you (awesome if you can fir them in an evening purse) for dancing in case your feet start to hurt (which will happen no matter what shoes you’re wearing).

    3. What heel height are you looking for? With both black and navy dresses in the mix I’d go with a metallic shoe, gold since that’s an accent color in the black dress. I personally find block heels most comfortable for long wear but low heels should also help. It’s a bit early for ‘party shoes’ but check out the Mgemi ‘mia’ or BHLDN as they have a good number of ‘formal’ heels

      1. +1 for gold being the best option for this pair of dresses. You might also look at Margaux or Sarah Flint for good block heel options.

    4. Both David’s Bridal and Nordstrom (filter shoes by “wedding”) have so many pretty options.

  6. I had been looking at the DM’s site for QE2 funeral coverage. And now apparently Adam Levine and some Beckham/Peltz female feuding drama has taken the paper back. I am sitting back in a bit of horror. All of these people have agents and publicists who are either recoiling in horror at how their clients have gone wildly off-script or need to rein in their waggy-tongued friends (or need to be fired if they are in on this) and can someone tell Adam Levine that your on-line doings are not secret but in fact an archive of every stupid thing you’ve ever done (apparently many!). I feel a bit more adulty after reading it while waiting for the bus today.

    2. I lost you at “female feuding drama.” Yikes. As opposed to what, regular feuding drama?

      If you think these people are pathetic, what is actually more pathetic is people who have no connection whatsoever with these people consuming and feeding off of their “drama.”

      1. Just based on headline-scanning, it’s largely the women of two couples who seem to be at war. The men, wisely, are silent. Why do I go to the DM site? I guess in a world where Armenia was just invaded (can the Kardashians get on this and raise some relief $? If they don’t promote it, I’m not sure anyone in the world has noticed or cared and they sort of are the world’s most famous Armenian family), Ukraine has been invaded for a while (2014?), etc., I need some fluff.

        1. This is why I watch Real Housewives. Low stakes fights that have nothing to do with me, fought by women with crazy faces and hair. They signed up for it, so loving the drama is fair game.

          I also enjoy watching things about white collar crime, and several cast members are really bringing it on that front!

          1. Hello from another RH fan. I like BH, NY, and Potomac. I tolerate SLC. I stopped watching Atlanta because of Nene. Which are your favorites?

  7. Calling all pears: how do you find black tie dresses that fit you?

    I’m a size 6-8 pear (was a size 4 pre-pandemic, and am working to get back there, but the pre-pandemic black tie dresses I have do not fit me right now) and I have a few black tie weddings in the next 6ish months and I have yet to find a single dress that accommodates my hips. But, if I size up then the dress is far too big in the chest or stomach, in ways that tailoring can’t help. I’ve been looking at Nordstrom, Nordstrom Rack, and Macys. I haven’t tried Lulu’s yet because I hate dealing with shipping. I live in Center City Philly if anyone has other local suggestions and budget is ideally $100-$150. First wedding is in just over a week and I don’t have a car so can’t easily get out to KOP.

    1. The tulle Nap Dress is above your budget but accommodates size fluctuations nicely and is SO fun for dancing, very twirly. (Fast shipping in my experience. An XS would probably be best. You’d need a slip.)

      FWIW I’ve been to a few black tie weddings this year and many women were wearing fancy c-cktail or midi dresses rather than full on gowns.

      1. This dress looks fun for an afternoon wedding or something not fancy, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing it to a black tie wedding!

        1. FWIW the dark colors look more fancy and luxe in person. I wore the navy to a black tie wedding in June with sparkly sandals and dramatic earrings and got ALL the compliments!

          1. Ahh ok! Google brought up a lilac one when I searched for it. I can see how a darker color would look more dressy.

    2. Pear here with some menopausal spread magnifying things. So I am wildly outside of the LuLu’s demographic, but I say: try there first and look at the pictures and comments. Read them with vigor. People are very frank about fit. And they share pictures. You can’t beat the price. These people are masters at their game. FWIW, I would spent multiples of the LuLu’s price for clothes, but I swear there is little that works for me at higher price points. So I usually have an idea of what I’m looking for (that is key) and start scrolling.

    3. I just don’t wear ‘straight-fitting’ dresses. Gathers, a full skirt, a flared tea dress shape, etc, are so much more comfortable for me. It doesn’t have to hug the outlines of your body to be ‘black tie’ – and you’ll always look better in something that you feel a million dollars in than something you feel uncomfortable in.

    4. I’m a size 8 pear and the last 2 formal dresses I got were from Lulus and Express. They’re both rather high waisted and then looser on the bottom so theyre basically fitted to my chest. I still did have to get the top of the lulus one tailored to be smaller, especially on the shoulders.

    5. As a fellow pear, I’d look for a dress fitted in the bodice/waist and more full from the waist down —a-line, pleated, gathered, etc.

    6. What style dress are you going for?

      I usually rely on cut to deal with size fluctuations. There are fit and flare styles that can accommodate pretty much any hip size since they’re only fitted above the waist. True wraps can sometimes work. Relatively slinky/body conscious dresses can sometimes work if they are jersey knits (I can’t think of a black tie summer fabric that works this way, but sparkly New Years Eve type dresses have worked this way for me in the past).

      1. Yes — I love that. Have been hoping I’d have some place that could justify ordering it just to have in case.

    9. A-line dresses. Anything straight and slinky tends not to fit. Also, steer clear of the homecoming/prom selections as those are typically made straight up and down. Do you have a junior league or equivalent charity shop near you? Those are frequently filled with formal dresses worn one or two times by grown women (not high schoolers). Your other option is to double your budget, and go to the old stand by of Tadashi Soji.

  8. I think I would like to start sewing. I have a very old sewing machine, no local friends/family who sew and no background knowledge. I’d love to take a class eventually, but there are no options that work for me for the next several months. I’m sure YouTube can help a lot though so my 2 questions are what are good online resources for learning how to sew and what are good ideas for beginner sewing projects?

    1. Do you know how to wind bobbins? I’d start there. It is tricky and yet necessary at least for our family sewing machine.

    2. I took online classes from Closet Core Patterns and they really helped me start off on the right foot. Modern Sewing Co also has online workshops. Both companies sell beginner-friendly patterns.

    4. I taught myself to sew about a decade ago! I’ve still never taken a proper class, whether virtual or in person. And I can whip up clothes for myself from patterns now, even ones without instructions. So it is possible! Two things to start off: Figure out how to use your sewing machine (if you don’t already know). Pick a pillow cover or simple tote bag for your first project. I basically learned to sew making bags because there’s no fitting required and it’s mostly straight lines. And you’re generally using fabrics that are easy to deal with. Google around for things like “easy tote bag tutorial” and find one that you like. Oh, and get a good ironing board and iron for pressing.

      1. Learning how to use a machine is no joke. I love the creative part of sewing but it is almost like being in construction to use a sewing machine. Parts, prep, materials. Oiling things. Dealing with snarls. Bobbins. Measuring once, cutting twice (so don’t do that). Also: the foot pedal / accelerator thingie. It can be overwhelming.

    5. With sewing it’s the same as with other crafts, it’s good to make projects that you actually want or is useful to you, or that will teach you a technique you really want to master.

      I really like to use reusable cloth napkins, and sewing cloth napkins and place mats are great for practicing straight seams, corners and ironing and pressing your fabric. Pillowcases are another easy one that will teach you basic shapes. Thin cotton produce bags for shopping. Hemming curtains.

      If you want to try sewing clothes, some of the most basic would be an elasticated skirt or a simple square sleeveless top.

    6. If your machine is old, you need to start by taking it in for a tuneup and cleaning. They will oil it, set the tension and get it ready for you. This could take a week or two depending on your area so do it ASAP! And then ask, sometimes the shops that clean machines will also offer a basic starter lesson to show you how to thread it, wind bobbins, and other very basic things.

      I would also look at your local library and check out a few beginner sewing books. I would describe myself as an advanced beginner/mid-range sewist and it still amazes me how differently authors describe different techniques.

      Have you thought about whether you’d like to learn to sew clothing or make quilts, or both? They are different (but similar) skillsets, and the primary difference is that clothing tends to be with knit fabric and quilts with woven. I find wovens easier to work with, at least to start.

    7. My favorite part about sewing is adding quick darts to a dress/top and hemming pants. I am 5’2″ and mildly pear shaped – so these two skills have been a game changer!

  9. I am moving soon. I have accumulated six bookcases full of books (four shelf, 6’ bookcases). Although I have some pruning to do, my shelves are organized and I want the books back on in the same order. I am hiring movers for furniture but am hoping to do smaller things on my own. I need the movers to move the bookcases, but could do the books as long as it’s manageable sized stacks (I would rather take 10 trips of light weight than 4 heavy!)

    Question: is there a way to pack and move them other than boxes? I need to take them all off the shelves for the movers. My friend suggested tying them with string, but they are not all equal sized paperbacks, or wrapping them in Saren wrap – which I think would work but seems almost harder, plus wasteful. Am I missing a good way to pack books?

    1. Suitcases, backpacks, shopping bags? FWIW I find liquor boxes best for books – they’re the perfect size to hold a shelf’s worth without being too heavy. And easy to get for free from stores.

      Take pictures of your shelves so you can zoom in for memory in case they get a bit shuffled.

      1. Don’t use a suitcase! I broke the frame of a small wheeled suitcase once trying to move books. It was a nice Delsey. Books are so heavy, I really think small boxes are the way to go.

    2. I also have a lot of books. For moving, I put them in standard moving boxes but only one layer deep (on their ends, ie filling about half the depth of the box with spines pointing upwards), and then filled the rest of each box with lighter items like clothing.

    3. How far are you moving? Unless it’s just down the hall, the things you’ve suggested seem like a good way to end up with a lot fewer books. You need boxes or crates.

    4. Small heavy duty boxes from Lowe’s. If you are worried about waste, give them away after.

      1. +1. Sign up for your FB neighborhood group and trust me, someone will grab them.

        1. Oh – I almost forgot – liquor store boxes! Small, strong and they usually have handles.

    5. I would take detailed pictures of the shelves, then pack them in boxes (labeled “book boxes” — they are not too big and don’t get too heavy) — and number them in the order they should be unpacked and put on the shelf. I would do upper left, left to right, down each bookcase, one at a time. I think that would make it easiest to unpack into the same order. Given the quantity, I would not attempt to put them in anything other than boxes. Last that I moved I did this, and it took about 15 minutes to unpack them, but I have about 1/3 as many books as you and care a bit less about the order. And I would have the movers move them! They get incredibly heavy!

    6. I like to move books in big, sturdy paper bags with handles. Something like the IKEA Frakta paper bag.

      Fill one layer to comfortably carry the bag. If you’re very strong, you can carry 2 or 3 bags in each hand, or you can just do the one. Sharpie on bag to indicate which shelf, e.g. case A, shelf 1 right side A1-R.

    7. I have always found that the boxes that paper is delivered in to my office work great for books. I hoard them for that reason! They are large enough to accommodate a good many books, but small enough to be manageable. They are also strong, stack great, and are free. I would label the boxes by the bookshelf the books come from and the order in which you pack them. (Book shelf 1, box 1, etc.) I also agree with the idea of taking pictures before you pack them.

    8. Liquor boxes or old printer paper boxes from your office are good for these (and both free if you don’t mind going out to get them). Good luck!

    9. There is a special saran wrap type thing for packing- Stretch Wrap- it’s bigger so easier to deal with, and I find useful for many things.

    10. egg boxes with the push in side handles are a lifeand back saver! I believe the smaller egg boxes hold 12 cartons of eggs. that is the size you want. call ahead to store to save them for you.

  10. Could I get a reality check?

    BF has a friend (2 hour flight away) coming to stay with us 4 nights over Thanksgiving and I’m absolutely dreading it. We live in a one bed one bath apartment and the bathroom connected to the living room where a dude will be camping out. I have social anxiety and am extremely introverted so the thought of having no privacy or alone time for 4-5 days is a lot for me. Being around other people’s energy absolutely drains me. I think my BF doesn’t realize how bad I am because I am outgoing in social situations and fine in crowds if I have a couple drinks.

    I kind of got suckered into agreeing to it because I thought it would be a shorter stay and BF hasn’t been able to see this friend in a long time so I felt bad. But now the reality has set in that I will go straight from work to preparing to host a big dinner, having no break all weekend, then waking up Monday and hoping he leaves early b/c my home office is in the living room. I’m also kind of bummed because it’s our first Thanksgiving together and the only 4-day weekend in a long time and we won’t be able to do anything as a couple.

    I know part of it is also cultural; my family only stays with each other if it’s close family and the host has guest rooms but otherwise people just assume they are getting a hotel. My gfs crash with each other if we go out late but no one in my circle would sleep on a couple’s couch for multiple days unless it was some sort of emergency situation. My bf is outgoing and I think also being a guy, he tends to be more chill about sharing a bathroom/privacy.

    I’ll of course be a good host (and I actually really like his friend) and will have any mental breakdowns privately but any tips on handling this visit and also for setting boundaries in the future? Would I be out of line to request we limit these types of stays to 1-2 nights after this? If it were up to me I’d have no overnight guests until we have a bigger place but I understand it’s his place too! Luckily it’s not an issue with our families, just his friends. I’m the first partner my BF has lived with in a long time so in the recent past it wasn’t a big deal for him to have his buddies stay over.

    1. You’re not out of line. I would never want someone in my apartment for more than 2 nights. I would suggest that your bf go out with his friend. They should make plans for activities, golf, dinner, lunch movies, etc. That way you get your alone time. However, you need to stand up for yourself and tell your bf it’s not ok going forward. I live in a three bedroom with my bf but the other two are our respective tiny offices. Hardly bedrooms. My bf knows people can crash on the couch after a heavy night of drinking but that’s about it.

      1. +1. I am just not a person who wants people other than maybe immediate family staying in my home. I’ve told DH this and he invites his friends from out of town to stay 1-2 nights on occasion, but we just don’t have the space and I hate feeling trapped in my own home. Plus they can fully afford hotels, so the money is not the issue.

    2. I think the focus should be on reassuring yourself that is is 4 days and that you will be fine. You can go for Long walks alone. You can go read a book in the bedroom. You can tell boyfriend you’d like him to take his friend out and do something on Friday so you have a but of space. You can get portions of thanksgiving catered. You can go get a pedicure. He won’t be in the bathroom at the same time as you, so you will be fine.

      You agreed to it so try to make it work. And don’t raise limiting future visits until after you get through this one.

    3. I always feel this way ahead of time, but it’s actually usually not as bad as I’m anticipating when it actually happens. (This may not be true for you! But for me the anticipation is worse than actually getting through the visit.)

      I have learned to be careful not to be available 24/7 as a hostess. It is exhausting if I get trapped in that mode and just never take any breaks until the guest is literally asleep.

      So I will excuse myself because I’m tired or for whatever reason, and just go read a book in the bedroom. Or I will take a walk on my own. Or go out to get coffee, take my time at the coffee shop (or sitting in the car), and then bring something back to share. I need to have these plans in advance so I don’t get trapped in hostess mode.

      I think after the visit you’ll be in a good position to say, “That was really stressful for me to host without a guestroom!” and try to set a goal of not hosting for such long visits without a bigger place!

    4. We only hosted friends once in a 1BR apartment and it was fine for one night, but we both realized it was 100% not fun and never did it again. So… maybe your BF will realize that after 4 days with the dude.

      One question, you’re hosting a giant TG in a 1BR apartment while your living room is a guest room? TBH I’d bring that up with BF now as a practical issue! Maybe his friend can get a hotel or stay with someone else for the first 2 nights and then stay with you guys for 2?

      1. Yeah, if you’re hosting at your place, I’d rescind the offer to stay with you and that’s a perfect reason. You could throw money at the problem and rent a nearby Airbnb or hotel room for his friend.

        1. I don’t think asking bf to uninvited his friend would go over well. It doesn’t sound like she got tricked into this situation. It might be an uncomfortable four days, but she’ll survive and then she’s learned to say no next time.

          1. Eh, thanksgiving is still a ways out and if they’re hosting the meal too that’s something you can easily say you didn’t think of at the time. Men (generalizing here) are a lot more chill about this stuff on average. I’d personally just talk about it with BF, rescind the invite but make friend’s stay easy (ie., if you have the funds rent him something else or provide hotel info, check local FB groups for in-law units for rent, etc.)

    5. Your feelings are your feelings. Although I think visiting dude really has no privacy and may be a bit squirmed out staying with a couple that has to traverse his sleeping area to pee. So empathy for him? And just excuse yourself to your room when you are done — that is the beauty of having a door. And let him host — it is his friend. Maybe they can go out to a bar on Friday?

    6. You’re not out of line. I think if you’re in a relationship serious enough to be living together you need to be more transparent with your BF about your mental health.

    7. Long term plan aside, you have agreed to this guest for Thanksgiving so you need to think of ways to make the weekend work. Perhaps you can sit down w BF and acknowledge that you are stressing over this, and brainstorm. I am sure BF and friend would relish some opportunities to hang out together without you. Maybe encourage them to make plans to watch a football game at a fun bar while you have some restorative alone time. Suggest that you plan a hike or other alone time of your own. Do you work out? That is always a way to grab some me time. Talk about who will be responsible for doing what in terms of cleaning pre, during, post guest. Break down responsibilities for holiday meal shopping, cooking, cleanup. Be aware that BF may have a whole different set of holiday norms, just as he has differing guest norms. I would postpone the moving forward discussion until after this visit, because it may help frame your wants and needs more clearly.

    8. Oh hey I’ve talked about this exact issue in therapy! Make a plan for what to do when you need some alone time: take a nap, take a bath, walk the dog, offer to go pick up the take out by yourself, have an “appointment” you need to go to, “go to bed” early, etc. Your “nap” can be lying in bed alone scrolling through instagram, you can take the long way to pick up takeout, you get the gist.

      Also give your BF a heads up. I tell my husband “This weekend if I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some introvert time I might say I’m going for a walk or something by myself. Just means I need to recharge.”

      I’ve realized since I started doing this that 1. Having a plan makes me feel less pressured before company comes and therefore less anxious. 2. I never need as many breaks as I anticipate I do. 3. Just because you’re around extroverts doesn’t mean you owe them every waking moment!! I recently went camping for a long weekend with my husbands friends and I read a book at the campsite while everyone else went to the beach. It was GLORIOUS and literally no one cared like my dumb anxious brain thought they would. Because I took the time to recharge my introvert batteries it made me more social and relaxed the rest of the weekend.

      Good luck!

    9. You’re stuck with it now, so have a conversation with BF to make sure he knows he has to help host, cook, clean, etc – don’t be their maid for four days.

      1. Disagree. You’re never stuck. There’s always a solution or alternative. Maybe not a great one but there are other options!!

    10. I mean, you agreed to it, so you need to just…not agree to it next time. You said you were ‘suckered’ into it because you thought it would a shorter stay. How? Did your bf mislead you? If not, I think your recourse is limited. Re: future visit limits, I’ve done a lot of hosting and being hosted in small apartments, and frankly I agree that a 4 night/5 day stay can be pretty taxing for both guest and host if there’s no spare room. I think a shorter limit would be reasonable in the future.

      1. He made it sound like it would be 2 nights but to be fair I didn’t confirm that or put a limit on it. Honestly it never dawned on me that his friend would even want to stay in our living room that long. This guy makes +200k and is in his late 30s.

    11. As a practical point, this seems like a good year to make 1-2 of your favorite Thanksgiving dishes, order everything else from a grocery store or , and eat on sturdy disposable plates. You should not be making a large meal in a 1-BR apartment where a guest is staying in your living room.

      I’d also plan something as a couple for a weekend between Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you and your BF celebrate Christmas, I love planning a date night in December where DH and I get a drink in a hotel that decorates beautifully for the holidays, then check out some other decorations in our city.

      Everyone else has good tips for dealing with 4 days of company as an introvert.

      1. I would also send BF and his friend to do pickup while you stay at home and get some alone-time.

    12. I will just say it, I hate having house guests. I used to live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath flat in San Francisco with my first husband, and everyone decided we were their free hotel for a trip to SF.

      It was not a big flat despite having a second bedroom, and the bathroom was tiny. I was miserable when people visited. I was in my 20s and had to learn to put my foot down after a while. 2 nights maximum and I am not cooking 3 meals a day for everyone. Mostly I was telling this to my then-husband who did expect me to play Martha any time people stayed with us. We had a near-divorce fight about his brother and sister in law coming to stay on X weekend when I had agreed to any weekend other than X (because I had major, major project due the following week) and he couldn’t even be bothered to express that to them. In hindsight I wish I’d divorced him then.

      Anyway, I feel your pain. Four days is too long. How’s your cash situation? Can you splurge for a hotel for a night or two for yourself to get some space? Did you tell your boyfriend that anything over two nights is too much? You are absolutely within your rights – it’s your home too. At a minimum do not play maid and cook for your boyfriend and his pal. They’re grown adults. They can figure it out.

        1. She didn’t agree to 4 days. That was sprung upon her.

          It’s never to early to grow a spine in a relationship.

    13. Thanks everyone!
      I let BF know that I’d bitten off more than I can chew but I decided to spend 2 nights of that weekend with my sister since we’re overdue for a visit anyways and I don’t want him to uninvite his friend…plus sis has a spare room for me ;)
      BF still doesn’t seem to really get it and insists that his other couple friends host people for weeks in their living rooms but he agreed to limit to 1-2 nights in the future out of consideration for me. I’ll admit that I’m kind of annoyed that he’s acting like I’m asking for a lot but I need to just let it go since he’s agreed to limit it going forward. All persons involved are mid to late 30s and make 200k+ but to be fair I don’t have a lot of guy friends and perhaps underestimated their love for sleepovers ;)

      1. I’m glad you have somewhere to go. You are not being unreasonable at all.

        At some point you age out of things like 6 people in a hotel room, having friends help you move instead of hiring movers, and having sleepovers in a 1 bed/1 bath apartment. Mid to late 30s making $200k+ per year is well past the expiration date.

      2. That sounds like a great solution! I assumed you all were mid to late twenties and still thought four days on the couch was excessive. But these people are late thirties and crashing in someone’s living room for weeks?? It’s a good thing you set a boundary now and saved yourself some arguments down the road. If you need to be working in the kitchen clanging pots and pans early on Thanksgiving morning let your boyfriend know well before Buddy arrives. If he’s never hosted Thanksgiving he may not realize how much prep time is involved.

      3. If I made 200+ I would never crash on someone’s couch! I did that for 4 days visiting a friend in Europe pre-pandemic and she worked everyday and I did a lot of solo exploring. I wasn’t even making 100K at the time.

  11. I’m just sad and need to tell someone that isn’t a friend. Another friend is pregnant and another friend is getting married and I’m still mid-30s and single. I feel so sad about where my life is and am feeling like it’s just never going to happen for me. I feel like a failure. I try really hard to not let it get to me, but it just feels so unfair and painful sometimes. I’m a nice person, reasonably attractive, work hard to stay fit, have hobbies, have a good job, am financially responsible, make an effort to find people to date, etc. I just don’t understand why it’s worked out for everyone else and not for me. I know some of it is luck, but I can’t help but feel like I’m doing something wrong. It just hurts a lot today.

    2. Life is not a race. Focus on your own lane and living a good life. What is for you in this life you will get. There is no timeline.

    3. A HUGE hug, lady. It isn’t you – it’s crap luck. Not knowing if or when it will happen is hard.

      Too often, we see things that involve being “good” AND a lot of luck as being solely about worth. Sure, some lousy individuals so turn off people that it’s hard for them to find someone, but that doesn’t mean that every or even most long-term singles are doing something wrong. It’s just rough out there.

    4. Hugs.

      Everything else in life seems like if you want to do something, you do it. What you mention is dependent on things coming together, with luck a large part of the equation. It is so frustrating! Everything else in life seems like such a unilateral choice of something on the menu. Solidarity!

    5. Hugs to you! It’s ok to have days where you just feel your feelings for a bit.

    6. I am pregnant, and if you are my friend, please know that I adore you. I am so proud of all you have done to kick ass and take names this past year. I have definitely felt a little wave of jealousy of you at various points. You are free and bold and unencumbered. But I also know how tough it is when expectation and reality don’t match up. Give me a call. I love you!

    8. In case it helps: I was you throughout my 30s. I hardly even dated, much less had a serious relationship. Then at 38 I realized a former co-worker would maybe be great not just as a co-worker, and I was married and having a baby within 18 months. It felt like it would never happen, and then it did.

    9. Big hugs from me who is in the exact same situation. To quote Charlotte, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen, I’m exhausted!” I am trying to really find happiness in where I am in life instead of hoping/expecting marriage.

    10. Solidarity!!! I’m right here with you. It’s hard and it sucks. I talk about this with my therapist sometimes and it’s hard to accept that you can’t *do* anything about it except keep trying.

      No real words of advice but I am RIGHT there in the middle of it with you and also feeling like that last kid to be picked in elementary school. Happy to chat via email to commiserate if you have a burner email.

    11. Hugs. I’m a perpetually single person that often feels the same way. I found Sara Eckel’s book “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single” to be really lovely and helpful when I start thinking that something is wrong with me.

    12. I literally cried about the same thing yesterday. I ended a relationship recently with a person who wasn’t right but I contemplated staying with because being alone sucks. So all the solidarity. Also, if one more person tells me “just wait, it’ll happen when you least expect it.” I might just break down.

  12. I think I’m low key having an anxiety attack this morning. I woke up with an upset stomach / pain that I”m now pretty sure is anxiety

    I’m on meds but between therapists right now. My anxiety/depression is well controlled and I rarely have any type of anxiety attack, I can tell you the few times it happened and what led to it.

    The family members I’d normally talk to about this are about to get on an international flight right now and are worriers
    A good friend is getting married this weekend. I have 0 issues with the wedding or anything but the last time I had a panic attack (and possibly the worst one) was at a close relatives wedding (crowd, chaos, etc). Literally no one knew except for my mom, don’t come at me about that wedding-etiquette people. In general family weddings are not great for me anxiety wise but I just thought it would be very different for a friends wedding.

    Any ideas? I’m working from home but in back to back meetings. I could call out sick but people know I’m going to a wedding this weekend so thats suspicious. I haven’t eaten yet today, maybe a walk to the coffee shop will help.

    I’m really excited about this wedding actually, idk why this is my bodys reaction.

    1. EAT SOMETHING.
      Knock out those work meetings.
      Take a long bath tonight, stretch, meditate, exercise, whatever you need.

    2. For today, go for a walk. Eat something with protein in it. Have a moderate amount of caffeine if you’re used to it, but try to lay off after that.
      Tonight, take care of yourself. Moderate exercise, yoga, a long bath, a phone call with a friend, whatever you need.
      At the wedding, try to find time for a mini-break or two to get outside by yourself or in a small group. A little break from the crowd and noise and some fresh air might help. If it doesn’t, say your congratulations and quietly leave early.

      1. At my SIL’s massive wedding I snuck outside a few times. I have also Irish-goodbye’d many, many events.
        Protein snacks are good, also crunchy things.

    3. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It makes sense you’re feeling this way. People often have anxiety or panic attacks when remembering previous times that’s happened.

      I agree with all of the above posters. Do whatever work you must today ONLY, take a walk, do some meditation and practice box breathing or whatever breathing method calms your anxiety. If you practice your breathing today, you will feel more confident about doing it tomorrow if necessary.

      It helps for me to come up with a plan for a situation where I know I might experience high anxiety. Then I can implement parts of it, depending on how I’m feeling. So if I were you, I’d spend a bit of time thinking about what to do in various scenarios tomorrow. Ice always helps me calm down, so I’d plan to make sure my water has some ice in it in case I start feeling off, I can discretely put a bit on my wrists (or even press my wrist against a cold glass). If I start feeling woozy or overwhelmed, I can sit down or go outside for fresh air. I give myself permission to slip out early (if I need an excuse, I even come up with one in advance! I’m more tired than I realized. I have an early flight. It’s been an emotional day.) I also give myself permission not to pay much attention during the ceremony (practice breathing) and to not feel any certain way throughout the day so that I’m not beating myself up for not crying happy tears or whatever.

      I also recommend little check ins throughout the day to see if your anxiety is quietly creeping up before the wedding. That way if you’re at a 6/10, you can use some of your tools to bring that down before you get to a 9/10.

      Good luck!! I am sending good vibes your way. You’ve got this :)

  13. I could afford to buy a $500k house. Are there any neighborhood in or near DC that are relatively safe, near a metro, and at this price point? Redfin is telling me no but I’m just wondering if there are neighborhoods I’m missing. Life feels so expensive and out of reach.

    1. Follow ups – do you want a SFH or are you okay with a condo/townhouse? When you say “near metro” do you mean walking distance to a stop? Do you need to be on a particular line? Schools?
      It’s been a decade, but we lived around Van Dorn and the developments near Ben Brenman Park were really nice.

      1. And Walk To Metro of 1 mile is much more affordable than a block away. OTOH, this way of talking ignores how rainy DC can be or steaming with humidity. And that walking in work attire isn’t awesome. Good luck!

    2. ParkFairfax condos near Shirlington. I lived there as a 30-something singleton and LOVED it. Feels very much like a neighborhood and not condos. Stores nearby. Busses run through the neighborhood to take you to Pentagon metro.

    3. Hyattsville? Thirty-something children of long time friends bought a single family home there and like the area. They commute to work on the subway. I think Silver Spring is similar but maybe a bit further out.

    4. If you want a single fame home that is relatively near to DC, the only area I can think of is Silver Spring. If you want a condo, there are lots of places within DC that may work.

      1. Maybe look near the Wheaton or Forest Glen metros. I live near Forest Glen/395/Georgia Ave and it’s a safe, quiet area that’s very close to metro. Also, if you work somewhere close to Union Station or the red line, look at places walkable to VRE or MARC stops, that could open up more options.

  14. My guilty pleasure is royal gossip and fashion. Ever since the Go Fug Yourself blog ceased covering this topic, I have been looking for a similar blog. What Kate Wore is an option but I’d love to see other countries’ royals, as well.

    Any tipps?

    2. I haven’t found anything and I’ve stopped reading GFY. Without the royals I’m just not interested. Sad.

      1. Yeah, me too. I checked just now to see what’s the current posts, and there’s nothing I want to click on or read, just meh, who cares.

        1. same. The wild attacks from MM stans drove a lot of bloggers (and readers fwiw) away from commentary. If said something as simple as “the bust doesn’t fit well” omg you must be r*cist.

          1. There’s a blogger I follow (Matta of fact) who is mostly about royal fashion but she’s constantly having to tell Kate stans to knock it off. There are crazies on both sides. Has it never occurred to anyone that you can like them both?

      1. I like thecourtjeweller website. It focuses more on royal jewels, but, hey, they’ve got fabulous jewelry.

    4. The Court Jeweller focuses on jewellry (duh!) but does great coverage of the royals BRF and otherwise.

    5. The Order of Sartorial Splendor was my favourite place for this, but it closed down a couple of years ago. The Court Jeweller is still around though and covers royals from all around the world.

    6. Just echoing how much I miss GoFugYourself’s royal coverage. Elizabeth Holmes on Instagram covers British royals to a level I enjoy, but nothing has replaced GFY for me. I understand why they stopped covering the British royals but I wish they had kept up the rest!

        1. Too much drama. They were getting threats and hostility and drama in the comments from people very pro meghan and very anti Meghan.

        3. The comment section was constantly out of control – I commented above but the stans and tr-lls on any coverage of Kate or Meghan were nuts. If you said something positive about Kate or negative about MM, you would get attacked by ppl saying you were r*cist. If you said something positive about MM you would get crazed Kate fans saying you were trash. Then there were the complete MM stans who kept insisting she should be Queen and not Kate. Like guys that’s not how succession works. Nasty.

          1. Honest question, who are the people who post these comments? I’ve never met a person in real life who felt this strongly about any celebrity/royal (that I knew of), yet the internet is somehow full of them!

          2. I’m not a fan of Catherine, though admit she’s done a terrific job the last few years, and I never could stand Megan, even when she was on Suits. In fact, her character/she was the reason I stopped watching that show. She was awful and annoying. So I’m equal opportunity!

    8. Tom + Lorenzo cover the British royals at a low level, but I love their general fashion and celebrity fashion coverage.

  15. I’m planning to take my teens to Paris for spring break. Would like to pop over to Versailles also. I think 1 week is too long – kids are not into museums or churches. Is there another city that you recommend that we go to for a couple of days that’s accessible by flight or train? We are coming from the Pacific Northwest. Have been to Rome, Venice and London but nowhere else in Europe. Thanks.

    1. Kids not into museums or churches aren’t going to be super into Versailles, I don’t think. Like, the house is essentially a museum of furniture where you’re dodging godawful pushy tour groups with selfie sticks (banned but not well enforced). It is probably the worst indoor experience in my European travel history. Gardens are great, though.

      FWIW I’ve spent about 2.5 weeks total in Paris among a few trips, and don’t think you could ever run out of things to do, but we like combining long walks (think making your way up to Montmartre and enjoying the view as well as the church) with one or two Tourist Things per day, and leaving plenty of time to just do things like sit at a cafe and people watch, chill in Luxembourg Gardens watching kids play with boats, etc. There’s lots of possible day trip excursions too, everything from Giverny for Monet’s gardens to Reims for champagne to the Loire valley for chateau-hopping. The trains make going pretty far afield easy.

      1. Agree with not running out of things to do. I spent five days in Paris earlier this year and felt like it wasn’t nearly enough, and we didn’t darken the door of a single museum or church. Food tours by Paris By Mouth are great, the shopping is extraordinary, and you can walk til you drop without ever running out of things to do. Also I expected to hate Versailles and ended up loving it, so YMMV on that.

    2. Strasbourg is a great little day trip. There’s a high speed train that will get you there from Paris in a couple hours. Definitely a completely different vibe than Paris; architecture is what we think of as more stereotypically German…but I still don’t know what teens who aren’t into museums and churches would do there.

    3. Maybe tell us what your kids like vs what they don’t like? That will make it easier to give suggestions.

    4. Amsterdam is a little over three hours on the train – city centre to city centre.

    5. Amsterdam is a fairly easy (less than 3.5 hours) train ride from Paris, and I think it would be an enjoyable city for teenagers.

      If you want to stay in France, Cat above suggested some great options for day trips from Paris. For an overnight, you could also consider Normandy (Deauville, Mont St Michel, Honfleur, etc.)

      1. My secret to travel with my teenager (and now college student) was to tell her we were going to spend one day doing what I want (I love museums) and she would just have to deal. In return, she got one day for us to do anything she wanted (within budget). The rest of the days I tried to do mutually enjoyable things or combine things she would like and things I wanted to do.

        So in Rome we spent one day at the Vatican Museum and St. Peters (although she enjoyed those more than she thought she would) for me and then one day biking the Appian Way for her (which I also enjoyed but would never have done on my own).

        Also, there is no way one week is too long in Paris. You could spend a month in Paris and not run out of things to do even without museums and churches. And I would not write those off (the catacombs appeal to most teens!)

        1. I don’t think this outs you, I know tons of people who do this! We do a version of this with my 4 year old. It’s obviously not as self-directed as it would be with a teenager, but we definitely “give” each person a day of the trip where they get to do what they want and the others just have to s*ck it up.

    8. My thoughts: I enjoyed Lyon, Prague, Heidelburg, and Barcelona as a young teen. I think being in a city where parents let you roam somewhat independently is a wonderful way to travel as a teen.

      The “Fat Tire” Bike tour of Versailles is great! My siblings and I were between ages of 18-26 when we went. I enjoyed the grounds of the estate more than the inside for sure :)

      +1 to the folks saying that your teens should do a little research to see where they might find something interesting. I always enjoyed traveling with family and feeling a bit “adult” in the EU.

  16. (reposting as comment stuck in mod last night). So, have you ever sold a house and then have the new owners continue to contact you almost a year later? We sold our house last Nov, the new owners are very nice people in themselves. Around closing, they asked many, many detailed questions and we answered. However, since then, they have continued to email almost daily (to my husband primarily). We got really tired of it and stopped answering around May/June. This helped for a while but then they started up again in August and again we ignored them hoping this would send the hint to stop. The kinds of questions they are asking are non-essential, ridiculously trivial. (eg, where did you get this piece of decor. Why did you paint the ceiling this color). Fast forward to this week. They looked up my new place of work (it’s a very visible position) and one of them actually called me at work. They left a message that my husband doesn’t answer their emails so they were trying me. I found this extremely intrusive and stalker-like behavior. I was tempted to email them back to tell them to stop already but feel that this would just open up the door for more prolonged contact. Also, the fact that they tried to go around my husband to get to me is just….rude. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Should we just continue to ignore? Worried if we resume contact we are opening ourselves up legally for things with the house….but then again, this is almost a year now! Welcome any advice!

    1. This is completely inappropriate. I’m unsure whether it’s best to just ignore or ask your realtor or a lawyer to contact them and tell them to stop.

    2. I’d call the lawyer that handled the transaction and have them communicate with these peoples lawyer that there should be no further contact. That’s frightening.

      1. Agree totally on this – maybe add, “while you may consider the house formerly ours, it is fully yours. We have politely answered an exhaustive amount of inquiries to help you realize this, and literally do not have the capacity to do so any longer. Please follow up with your lawyer or realtor if you have questions about what is appropriate follow-up almost a year after closing.”

    4. That’s so strange. At the most I could a question or two about something oddly specific to the home, but even then. I’d say flat out stop contacting us and do not contact my place of business. That’s creepy AF.

    5. Wow. that is way out of the norm.
      Did you and they have a realtor? I would be inclined to ask your realtor and/or theirs to step in. It doesn’t have to be confrontational.
      You could also have your husband send a firm message: Bob & Judy, we are no longer able to answer your questions as the sale went through nearly a year ago. Please do not seek out my spouse’s contact information and we will not be responding to future questions. … then block email/phone number, etc.

      1. I would do this. Start by sending the “no more contact with either one of us” email, escalate to lawyer if need be.

    6. what the h3ll. How do they even know you painted the ceiling? I would talk to a lawyer.

      1. On balance, maybe they are just friendly and think there is more of a rapport than exists.

        I agree that it’s completely inappropriate but my first thought it’s my “lawyer,”
        It’s “use words and tell them to move on.”

        2. I agree she should use tell them not to contact her, but continuing to email despite being ignored for months and then finding her work phone number and calling is way beyond simple clueless behavior. Coming up with these kinds of excuses trains women to ignore their instincts when something is off in favor of being polite to people who have lost the right to said politeness.

    7. This is very weird! I would tell ask them nicely to stop contacting you (e.g., “Hi [Name], We were happy to answer your questions around closing, but we haven’t owned the house in almost a year and won’t be answering any more questions about the house. If you have any legal questions, you can of course direct them to your lawyer who can reach out to our lawyer. Hope you are enjoying your new home!”)

      For context, I bought a place a year ago and the only contact we had with the sellers was that they (a) connected us with someone they rented a parking spot from, (b) sent us a one time list of who they used for services around the house (e.g., cleaning, sprinkler system, plumbing) and (c) we intermittently receive packages for them by accident and coordinate mailing them to their new address.

      I will say that my broker really did not want us to talk to the sellers directly – she wanted them to go through their broker/her. And I’m guessing that this type of annoying ongoing contact is why.

      1. No, do not use this script. There is no need to “compliment sandwich” people who are borderline stalkers. The correct move is clear and concise. Do not invite them to run things through lawyers unless you enjoy getting legal bills for questions about the ceiling paint.

    8. I saw this last night and I am so fascinated – how old are they? I can either see really young or really old, but maybe not?

    9. WTF? Not normal. I was going to ask how they even had your contact info but then the whole saga got more creepy and stalkerish than I could have imagined. Block block block.

    10. Yes. Started as weird outreach asking questions, and we just ignored. Tipping point is when they sent us bills for repairs they made for 6 months post closing (they waived inspection to boot). We had a lawyer write a firm cease and desist and it eventually stopped. What they’re doing to you sounds like the intention may be innocent but it’s super out of line. I wouldn’t think twice about sending a letter of some kind if needed, maybe something firm from you first as someone else suggested, but escalate if necessary. Contacting you at work is bananas.

    11. this is very strange. we bought a new house a year ago and the sellers wanted to walk us through some things after closing, but we couldn’t find a time that worked, so they told us to email them, which we did once, maybe twice. the wife is still very friendly with all of the neighbors and i’m part of a virtual book club now with her, so we have maybe emailed to ask them one other question. what you are describing is VERY strange

      1. I wonder if in either OP’s situation or yours, the people were first time homebuyers who don’t understand that once you close, everything is on you! I follow the homeowners subreddit, and there are a remarkable number of posts from people asking if they can sue the sellers they bought from because, like, a door knob fell off or something.

    12. You’ve let this go on for waaaayyy to long. Continue to ignore. Get an attorney to send a letter to them if necessary. Do not engage.

      To answer your question, no, this is not normal.

        1. They’ve let them continue emailing them and tracking them down (at work!) because they’re avoiding just saying “stop contacting us.” So yes, they have let the inappropriate contact continue because they don’t want to be impolite.

          But the new homeowners are being horribly rude. OP, you owe them nothing at this point, especially not politeness. Be direct. Tell them to stop, immediately.

    13. Yeah that’s weird. We have been in our house 7 years and I think have contacted the former owners maybe 6 times in that span, but always with specific questions about house maintenance that only they could answer (like who was the plumber who installed the sump pump because we know it’s pretty new and is acting up already), or who their landscaper was because we like how the yard looks and want to keep it that way. Daily contact is really bizarre.

      1. Even I think this is overstepping. 6 times in seven years? If any of that was beyond the initial like month of move in, it’s out of bounds. Call a good plumber, they’ll figure it out. And landscaping?

        1. I completely disagree, if the former owners seem okay answering the questions. If a company did a good job on my landscaping, I’d be happy to tell the new owners the name of the company to keep getting them business.

        2. I agree with you, 1:12. I think you get a 6-month grace period where you can maybe reach out for big things (HVAC, roof, etc) but not after that.

    14. This is beyond strange and frightening. I would send a very sternly worded email and let your agent know as well. Maybe scare them a little and explain in the email that any further contact will be considered harassment and you will contact the police? (Not an attorney, so don’t come at me if this is wrong :) )

    16. Just tell them that you are really too busy to be involved and that you didn’t keep any of your files so you can’t help them. They are clueless.

      1. Thank you for all the comments and advice. I have contacted my realtor to get her take on it. She is a very savvy no-nonsense person so she’ll have good advice. I didn’t contact her earlier because it was unclear to me if it was really in her wheelhouse but several folks suggested this. I don’t want to go a lawyer route because that feels too punitive. As for the comment about “letting” this happen….that wasn’t helpful. We had our reasons one of which was to protect ourselves by not engaging with them. Telling people no isn’t always the cut-and-dried answer at the outset. And, we never in a million years thought they would STILL be at it and go so far as to call me at work (I had no contact at all with them previously during the buying process). Depending what the realtor says, we will definitely tell them to cease one way or another (ourselves or via realtor). Thank you all!

  17. Hello wonderful people. With apologies for the length of this post, I could use some career advice. I don’t have anyone more experienced to turn to, and this situation is causing me considerable (probably too much) anxiety. I’m really worried of making the wrong move here.
    I work for a large federal agency. I’ve been unhappy for awhile and finally decided to start looking around internally. My plan was that if that didn’t work out by November, I would look externally, with the goal of starting any new job no later than February, when my husband and I want to start trying for a baby.
    I reached out to two other divisions that do work I’ve previously enjoyed—“Division 1” and “Division 2.” Both offered me interviews. However, Division 1 reached out to our front office, who told them that they should talk to my manager, which they did. My manager told them that I am too indispensable because I lead an investigation that is nearing a complaint filing. That isn’t the case (though he wants it to be so). I lead a joint investigation with another agency. It will continue indefinitely, at least until this time next year, and if it goes well, would then go to trial. Obviously, if my manager is hoping to not replace me with a team lead, he hopefully will be out of luck because by this time next year I want to be pregnant.
    My manager then told me that he had informed the other division managers that I need to stay and finish out my investigation, and that afterwards, he would help to place me in a division that does the work of I want to do.
    After this, Division 1 pulled their interview. I expected Division 2 to pull their interview, too, but they didn’t. I’m waiting to hear back from my callback. Eventually, though, they’ll need to propose my employment to our front office, who will then reach out to my manager.
    Meanwhile, someone from Division 1 kindly reached out and said that they were disappointed with the outcome and think my manager is being ridiculous. They said that after speaking with my manager, their understanding was that my manager was basically forbidding them from speaking with me.
    Based on my interviews with Division 2, I think I may prefer Division 1—they do the work I like more often.
    Corporettes, what would you do in this situation? I don’t want to lose an opportunity in Division 1 just because they tried to be respectful. Should I reach out to Division 1? If so, when? Should I try talking to my manager again? He sort of ambushed me the first time around. He seems to think his request is reasonable. He’s also a pretty scary person, and, in ways that are hard to describe, difficult to talk to and understand. I’m worried he will contact Division 2 or contact agency leaders at other agencies. Given his reaction to Division 1, I’d rather only talk to him with an offer in hand (albeit subject to front office approval), which then gets into the Division 1 issue and if/when I should reach out.
    Thank you all. I really, really appreciate it.

    1. I’m so sorry. Can you escalate this above him? HR? Can you leave altogether rather than interviewing internally?

      You are not an indentured servant. Your manager does not own you. I don’t care how scary he is. You are in charge of your own career.

    3. I don’t think talking to your manager again will be helpful. I’d start looking externally now.

    5. Your manager being such a selfish jerk means that you don’t have to care about what he wants anymore!

      Actively seek out opportunities in both Divisions and apply externally for jobs at the same time. Go whenever you get a job offer that make sense for your life and goals.

    6. I think it depends on what your ultimate career goal is. Do you want to move up and around in your current agency and stay for a long time? If so, I think you have to find a way to work with your boss. Maybe by signaling that you are ready for a different assignment or nearing burnout on the current one. And in the meantime, try to boost your internal network (join ERGs, etc).

      But if you are just DONE with the current role, then yeah, you have to start looking externally because this boss is going to block you. But be mindful about family planning with all this, as you’ll want to be somewhere a year for FMLA to kick in, and you won’t have as much leave time built up in a new role.

      1. Thanks, everyone. I was hoping to stay at this agency, but I’m going to get my application together for the couple other agencies that do similar work this weekend. Unfortunately, there isn’t much my current division can do to make me want to stay or make things better–it’s just the nature of the work. It’s very slow, and I’m not a slow person and the slowness and noodling over things is driving me a bit insane.
        I’m glad others don’t think I should talk to my manager. I think that I’ve been keeping this all inside me because I was afraid that would be everyone’s advice. I think my manager might view our conversation we had about my staying on as some sort of negotiation that resulted in an agreement, which it wasn’t, it was a bit of an ambush (another manager of my division was even with him at the time). I remember thinking at that moment that I needed to figure out a way to say that I wanted to speak with my husband about this first. It ultimately wouldn’t have mattered, since he had already talked to the other division. I think he felt comfortable doing so because when he found out I was looking elsewhere, he asked me if I was completely miserable, and I said no (now I am, though).
        Would it be a mistake if I reached out directly to the Division 1 manager, who pulled my interview after speaking with my manager? I’m thinking I’d say something like–“I would like to be able to consider Division 1 when I’m considering my options. I know [my manager] has expressed wanting me to stay here to finish out [case], but that’s probably not going to happy. I’m pretty unhappy in my current division, and wouldn’t want to leave the agency over something avoidable. If you are comfortable, I’d love to be able to interview and see if Division 1 would be a good fit.”
        This has been a harsh lesson about not being so nice all the time. My guess is the best way out will be to just leave the agency. At least that comes with the satisfaction of giving a two-week notice.
        (I’m trying to keep any rants out of this but it makes me so mad. Like, my manager is walking around these poorly lit, over airconditioned halls thinking “good thing [investigation] is squared away now that unhappy anon [a 31 year old recently married woman who has expressed unhappiness in her job] has agreed [after being ambushed by two managers] to stay on through the complaint [that won’t be ready for >12 months] and trial [lol], would hate to have to replace the team lead there!” I know employers shouldn’t assume women who just got married are about to have kids, but come on. No one even asked me!)

        1. I don’t work for feds, but in general have found it best practice to leave “reasons I dislike my current role” out of it when seeking new opportunities. Threatening to quit if you can’t interview isn’t going to make you look good.

          Can you say to D1 manager “I was disappointed by the way things unfolded last week and would like to remain in consideration as this position is very much in line with my long term goals. There is plenty of time to tr-nsition my work with Current Boss without causing disruption.”

        2. Also, kindly, stop thinking that your boss should have asked you about your family planning or openly planned for the possibility. (Is that what you mean by “no one even asked me” at the end?) Let’s imagine you don’t conceive right away. Did you want Current Boss to take you off your project because there’s a chance you’d be on maternity leave during the trial when you aren’t even pregnant???

    7. Unless your manager can control when you leave, I’d set up the interview with Division 1 asap. If you get the role, prep the transition plan. Serve him a fait accompli.

  18. Late to this – will likely post in the afternoon thread.

    Weird Management dilemma. I’ve had an on and off problem employee. He’s not bad enough to fire (usually) but just… doesn’t seem to learn or improve, lacks self motivation, but really – he’s not a strong staffer but thinks he’s absolutely God’s gift to us at work.

    We’ve had several come to Jesus talks which usually end in some level of improvement… but the past 2-3 months have been rough. At first I thought it was a string of unrelated things. COVID/Good life stuff/bad life stuff. Well, a colleague with whom we work closely came to me to genuinely ask if I thought this staffer was on drugs. She pointed out some things about his increasing bizarre behavior and kind of… unexplained confusion that were making her wonder.

    I had always assumed there was some significant MH stuff going on, but now that she said it, I can’t… I can’t stop wondering? FWIW, still managing the behaviors but recalculating how much responsibility I allow this staff to have…

    1. I think if you asked Ask a Manager, she would tell you this situation is not solvable and you should let him go.

    3. No more come to Jesus talks. You need a documented, detailed performance improvement plan that leads to a path out the door. Involve HR yesterday, but since you didn’t, today is your best option.

    4. It’s totally up to you and your employer how much more you want to deal with an already problematic employee, but it’s completely possible that the kinds of things that are making your coworker think he’s on drugs are in fact caused by prescription medications for mental health or other health problems. I’m going back on a m*graine drug that I know has helped me in the past, but the adjustment period is tough and I have to be really careful to time it for a slow period at work and work really, really hard to make sure that things don’t slip by me. Not everyone has that luxury or feels able to disclose health issues to their employer or coworkers. If it’s affecting his job, address that, but don’t immediately jump to the conclusion that he’s up to something shady, as there are a ton of other explanations.

      1. See, that’s the route I’ve always taken. But the fact that it’s severe enough – Whatever it is – to have other people notice…

        It’s not like ‘things slip by him’ but more like, ‘shows up 30 minutes late to a meeting then brings up totally unrelated topic from like 6 months ago that he gets defensive about.’

  19. Any suggestions for how to meet new people? I’ve tried some meetup groups without success and never seem to interact with anyone at exercise classes. I recently broke up with a long-term live-in boyfriend and am not up to dating again yet. But, even with seeing friends a few times a week, I get really lonely. I know a lot of it is having someone who loves me and who I share a life with, but i still think it would help if I got out more. Any idea?

    1. Go out among the people. . . become a regular at your local bagel shop or coffee shop. Can you WFH in a new location?

    2. Any chance you are into any team sports? Recreational co-ed soccer has been great for me!

      1. Unfortunately, I didn’t play any team sports growing up so feel like that would be hard unless I can find a beginner team

        1. Beginner teams are out there! Other ideas:
          -rock climbing gym – some have classes and intro events, plus you gotta talk to the people belaying you
          -taking a class at a local college
          -volunteering

    3. I feel like it’s harder than ever to meet new people ever since the pandemic began. Have you tried Bumble BFF? I know someone who met one of her closest friends on there. And if you work at home, maybe consider going to a co-working office a few days a week? I have been remote for ages and before the pandemic co-working was amazing for meeting friends and combating the loneliness of being home all day (though it does somewhat depend on the vibe of the particular co-working office).

    4. I’ve had good luck with volunteering and also with classes. I’ve taken lots of different kinds of classes — creative writing, pottery, drawing, fencing, baking. You can kind of keep to yourself and enjoying be around others, or you can reach out and start chatting. The key is just pushing past the embarrassment or anxiety of starting a conversation or inviting the person to do something. I find classes are great because it gives an initial shared interest. So if you’re in a writing class and there’s a poetry reading sometime, invite the person you’ve been chatting to that, etc. Or a get together to practice the thing you’ve been learning. Even coffee, etc., after class/on a weekend. If someone says no, I let myself feel disappointed for a bit and remind myself that it’s not me. I feel like people are always looking for connection, and just making the first effort will be enough to meet plenty of folks.

      1. I read somewhere that introverts think, “oh I have to get to know this person before we can do friend stuff;” whereas extroverts think “oh I’m going to do friend stuff with this person to get to know them!”
        Obviously a broad generalization but it changed my perspective.

        1. Such a good perspective. My son the introvert is struggling at college with the same issue, and I, his extroverted mom, keep saying things like “just say hi, ask them a question and a follow up question, find out if they like to game…” but I may as well have asked him to get up on a stage and do a tap dancing routine.

    5. I’ve had the most luck at this with hobby-related classes with defined sessions (like eight weeks or something). A few ideas: recreational sports leagues, tennis lessons, photography classes, sewing lessons, pottery lessons, music lessons, fitness classes with intentional sessions (maybe boxing classes would do this?). I think there’s something about the defined length of the session that makes people more open to friendly relationships than drop-in classes like exercise classes. You still have to be overly friendly in these classes to draw people out but it might help. Im sorry you’re feeling lonely it’s a hard emotion. I hope you feel better soon.

  20. Shopping help – looking for a faux fur – in black perhaps – for my daughter to wear over this dress in NYC for an evening wedding/reception in November. Dark hair, winter coloring. Thanks so much.

    Norma Kamali Diana gown in plum https://www.revolve.com/norma-kamali-diana-gown-in-plum/dp/NKAM-WD184/?d=F&currency=USD&countrycode=US&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsrWZBhC4ARIsAGGUJurvq4D3E7v_0GEL0TegB7bhnk7VzEjmdijEQTMnnA-qIsSlKThoXT4aArkDEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds Something like this only not ombre. https://bernardofashions.com/products/ombre-effect-long-vegan-fur-coat?variant=39847909195851&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsrWZBhC4ARIsAGGUJuoMFjyNzqkR7bOkpiEWDh6nLQtVVoZLPcXgcCxwPgBnRADJ_ZTVlS4aAvytEALw_wcB

    2. Rather than an faux furI would get an Eileen Fisher alpaca blend coat, probably in black, probably from Poshmark or BHFO or similar, same level of “guilt” as with any wool coat. The fabric has a depth to it because of the alpaca that can skew dressy, but yet it also works for every day. The cuts are classic. It will serve her well for years and years to come. Both my daughter and my sister have done this after seeing and borrowing mine, and both love theirs as much as I love mine. I will try and post a link or two.

  21. Help me figure out weather! Where I live it swings between 80 degrees (Wednesday) and 60 degrees (today). When is it appropriate to wear tan knee-high boots with bare legs? What about sleeveless sweater vests not layered over anything?

    1. You’ve described winter weather where I live. I dress for the weather and not the calendar. 80 degrees on a Saturday in January? I’m wearing shorts. 30 degrees in October, I’m wearing winter wear.

    2. Are you in Philly? lol. I dress for the forecast. On Weds that meant a navy pencil skirt and a pretty shell. Today it’s dark wash jeans and 3 layers on top. It’s warm to sit in on a calm sunny street, but in the shade and wind, hellooooooo fall.

      1. This describes the whole Midwest too. A lot of the country was plunged into a coldfront today.

  22. The zipper on the interior cloth pocket of my purse broke. I don’t want to attempt to fix it myself because I’d have to go into the fabric and sewing repairs is not my forte. So, do I go to my leather guy who fixes purses or my dry cleaner who does fabric repairs?

    1. Shoe repair shop/leather guy. I’ve had my Coach bags taken care of several times that way.

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