Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: V-Neck Faux-Wrap Tie-Waist Top

421 Comments

1. Yay! Fruegel Fridays! I love Fruegel Fridays b/c this is an almost perfect top for many of us who’ve packed on doubel digit pounds b/c of COVID 19. Great pick, Elizabeth. My only comment is that it would be even better if it were about 3 inches longer b/c that would help cover more of our tuchusses (tuchii), where the pounds have also landed since Feburary.

   I want to wish a happy weekend to the entire hive b/c I am staying in the city with Myrna. We are watching Kim Catrall of S-x and the City in the new Fox series, Filthy Rich and loving it! She looks great as a 50 something woman and I hope I look like her in 10 years! YAY!!!

2. What are your favorite tips for gussying up a builder-grade rental?

   We’ve always lived in older homes that came with built-in character like wood floors, moldings, etc. We’re moving into a new-er construction home that feels like a drywall box: wall-to-wall brown carpet, flat white walls, and brass light fixtures. We can paint the walls.

   1. Change out the light fixtures, hang art, window treatments, layer rugs over the carpet, change the shower head, even removable wallpaper. I don’t believe in the theory that just because it’s a rental it means you shouldn’t put any money or effort into it. There are lots of non-permanent ways to make it feel nicer.

      1. +1 to change shower head. This is such an easy and cheap fix but makes a shower feel much nicer. I’ve used Waterpik brand in the past, which range from about $15-$50 and take under 10 min to put together and install.

         1. Put the old showerhead under your sink and take your nice one with you when you move!

            If the aerators on your faucets aren’t great, you can do the same thing with them.

   2. Are you going to be there a while? I wouldn’t paint the walls — it will be hard to find something with all that brown carpet going on. Depending on the carpet pile, you might be able to layer colorful smaller rugs over it to define your areas. Put large framed print/art on the walls. Simple floor-length curtains. Layering is your friend.

   3. If you can paint, then definitely that would be the easiest way to make a big impact. Other thoughts:
      – removable peel-and-stick wallpaper
      – installing dramatic curtains
      – lots of color/pattern through accent pillows or other textiles
      – large gallery-style wall installation
      – bring in area rugs to break up some of the brown carpet
      – big set of bookshelves filled with books and knick-knacks, if that’s your thing (I use several of the 15″ wide Ikea Billy bookshelves lined up next to each other. I like the look better than the wide ones. I’ve gotten lots of compliments on these, since they show a lot of personality in my apartment)
      – interesting floor and table lamps, to draw attention away from the plain brass fixtures

   4. Swap out light fixtures (you can swap them back in when you move) and you can totally use area rugs over carpet.

   5. In addition to the other suggestions, add throw pillows and cozy blanket throws to your furniture. Some look really luxurious and aren’t that expensive, plus you can take them with you.

   6. Can you paint the walls a silvery sage green or silvery blue? That would look intentional with the carpet.

      1. Benjamin Moore’s 2021 Color of the Year, Aegean Teal 2136-40, would be perfect.

         1. Not the OP, but this post was super helpful. I think a shade of this is going in my bedroom soon!

   7. Second replacing light fixtures. I’d leave the walls white and lean into an airy, light California modern aesthetic. Think neutrals, organic shapes, matte brass, lighter woods, cozy textures, some plants. Photography or abstract art on the walls. I think traditional decor tends to fall flat in these spaces.

   8. Different Anon following up on this – any favorite places for light fixtures? We’re looking to swap out the chandeliers in our entry, dining room, and breakfast area. Tastes lean traditional.

      1. Pottery Barn?

      2. Lamps Plus

   9. The Every Girl has a really great series on sprucing up rentals. One of the owners used to have a Chicago greystone rental and she did a bunch of stuff (including stick-on backsplash, etc.) that made a huge difference.

3. I really like this pick! But cannot justify any casual or WFH outfits at this point. Boo.
   So i have been diligently tracking via myfitnesspal since late August and am down 10 lbs. i am now slightly lighter than I was in mid-March, which isn’t saying a ton bc I was slightly UP due to regular precovid life stress eating at the time. But that is putting a smile on my face nonetheless.
   I got propositioned at work yesterday. Very very weird, from someone I would consider a semi-close work friend and it’s NEVER been like that. He “thought I had alluded to something” and was ready to take me up on the offer. Ummmmmm. No. Nope. Not happening. No idea WTF conversation he is alluding to that made him think this would be a thing. No. It was really really weird and I feel like I can’t tell anyone IRL so I’m just screaming into the void (will tell girlfriends when we can get together out of earshot of husbands).
   So, I am ready for this week to be over.

   1. You didn’t allude to anything.

      Look, I don’t need to be there to know that. Sleazy men will literally make stuff up to “justify” (in their minds) their sleaze. Lines I’ve actually heard: “I can tell that you’re not into your fiance.” “I thought you went out with me [out to a restaurant with friends, this weirdo included] because you wanted to have sex.”

      Consider reporting this to HR, or bare minimum, document this. He’s probably doing it to other women at the office, some of whom may be his subordinates or at least much newer and less experienced than he is.

   2. It sounds like what he thought was that he’d try for something inappropriate and then make it somehow your fault if it didn’t play out as he wanted. Double slimeball. I’d go to HR and document it. Doubting this is his first try with someone at work. I’m so sorry it happened to you!

   3. Is he superior to you? Did he drop it when you declined?

4. Has everyone seen the trailer for the new Netflix Christmas musical? It features Dolly Parton, 14 original songs, and a Hot Priest.

   1. No but I’m so excited

   2. I usually avoid these types of movies, but this year I am here for it.

      1. Same. If it’s lighthearted, I’m here for it. Even books are a challenge right now. I’m reading one that is so good, yet so sad, and I’m having a hard time plowing through it.

   3. This seems great! I am looking forward to watching the Netflix Christmas family movie Jingle Jangle. I never saw Christmas movies featuring a ton of Black characters growing up.

      I am going full on about Christmas this year. Normally, I don’t even like celebrating holidays but now I need it.

      1. Same here. I downloaded the Hallmark Christmas app and I’m making a point to watch all of the diverse leads on the night they premiere. Also on Netflix is Holiday Calendar, which was really cute. (I watched it last night – also going full on into Christmas this year. Normally I decorate on Black Friday and don’t do much else, but I don’t care that it’s October. I need lighthearted wholesome fun in my life.)

         1. I’m watching “My Best Friend’s Bouquet” right now!!

      2. If you’re adding some to your queue, the 12 dates of Christmas was really cute and I got a big kick out of seeing Mark Paul Gosslear as the romantic lead!

   4. I haven’t seen this one specifically, but I am SO ready for cheesy, implausible, feel-good Christmas movies!

   5. You had me at hot priest. Thanks fleabag!

      1. Sadly it’s not *that* hot priest, I just watched the trailer and was excited and then disappointed, haha.

   6. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who woke up this week and was like CHRISTMAS. I am so here for lights and cookies and anything sweet and beautiful this year.

   7. Stupid christmas movies are my favorite. I personally prefer lifetime over hallmark as the heroines tend to be less sappy and (slightly) more empowered. I think last year I subjected my husband/family to at least 3 of the Netflix originals and am VERY MUCH looking forward to the sequel to Christmas Chronicles 2!

   8. Have you seen the clip of Dolly on the Colbert late show? The woman is a god damned national treasure.

      1. Amen.

      2. There’s a new book out, She Come By it Natural: Dolly Parton and the Women Who Lived Her Songs. I’m saving it for Thanksgiving break so I can inhale it all.

      3. Give that woman the Nobel Peace Prize!

   9. I have not but I am excited. With covid I am planning to go all out in Christmas decorating and binge on so many Lifetime Christmas movies it hurts.

   10. Wow this is the first I’m hearing of it but I am all in!

5. Random question: How do you make your house smell better? My house is relatively clean, our windows are open whenever weather in the upper Midwest allows, and I often use an essential oil diffuser. But when the house is closed up and I come home after being away, it smells stale and uninviting. Not bad, necessarily, but not good. Any recommendations?

   Bonus points for something lightly fragrant to put in dresser drawers. We can’t use scented detergent because of sensitivities, and I’d like something more subtle than perfume. I remember my mom having satchels of lavender. Are those still a thing?

   (I work remotely, so I won’t be bothering anyone with a scent.)

   1. Bowls of vanilla extract set out.

   2. Lavender is still definitely a thing. I have these scented ovals from Diptyque that I put in my drawers, you can also hang them in closets or from door knobs.

   3. I suggest avoiding scented products – all they do is add another layer. Like – you wouldn’t wear perfume and think you smelled freshly showered, right?

      I suggest de-humidifier, making sure your HVAC system is clean (new filter?) and odor neutralizer if really necessary.

   4. You can’t really cover up a stale smell with scented products. You have to get rid of the smell. The plug-in charcoal air filters work surprisingly well. I use them in my big stinky dog’s favorite room, my stinky teenager’s bedroom, and my stinky husband’s favorite bathroom.

      1. Do you have a link to the one you like? Do you think this would work in a “workout room”? (I’m noticing the second bedroom with my bike is starting to smell like a gym even with wiping down)

   5. For the clothes, are there any sensitivities to essential oils? I use drops of essential oil on wool dryer balls for my clothes. It’s subtle.

      For the home, I just the “Smoke & Odor Eliminator Blended Soy Candle” from Just Makes Scents, purchased on Amazon. It really does neutralize odors. (As in, you can’t smell that we just cooked fish). It does not have a heavy fragrance.

   6. Where is the smell coming from – the basement? Maybe try a dehumidifier and/or Damp Rid.

      1. I just realized you can add DampRid to your subscribe and save orders. Thank you! Ours have needed replacing for a while and I keep forgetting.

   7. Lavender satchels are a thing – I have some in my drawers. If you want a splurge, Diptyque makes scented blocks that will sent up your closet.

      1. Sachets. I am picturing a Mary Poppins-style carpet bag full of lavender.

         1. sachets, sorry!

         2. Not OP, but if a satchel of lavender will take care of the smell of years of mouse problems in my house, I’m all for it .

   8. I’m not sure scented products will fix staleness/mustiness. Check your HVAC filters. If they aren’t changed pretty regularly, our house can start taking on that smell. Maybe consider an air purifier?

   9. Dehumidifer in the basement if you don’t have a heat pump plus opening the windows/doors more than you think. In Canada so relate to the cold but I leave front and back door open for at least 10 minutes every evening (unless the snow is like actually blowing in) to let air circulate as we don’t have an air exchanger.

      1. You must lose so much heat!!

         1. You’d be surprised. It doesn’t seem to have impacted out heat bills very much since we started doing this more regularly but the house smells much better. A well insulated house with an energy efficient heat pump that is properly, regularly aired out, is still more efficient than our similarly sized previous house that just had baseboard heat.

   10. Thanks for all these ideas! We are religious about changing our furnace filters and (having had water/moisture issues in the past) we keep tabs on our humidity level and run the dehumidifier when needed. Do houses eventually smell like the people who live in them? (Maybe it’s vice versa.)

       I’m going to try the charcoal + lavender. And maybe the candle, too, because it must be magic if it takes care of fish smell! You guys are the best.

       1. There’s a reason there is a phrase “smells like grandma’s house” and I don’t think they meant chocolate chip cookies!

       2. For cheap lavender sachets, I use the Trader Joe’s lavender dryer bags. Just scrunch every now and then.

   11. Febreze is a thing for a reason. It works.

       1. I really hate the smell of Febreeze. I guess they have unscented stuff, but I’d be reluctant to spray a bunch of chemicals around and would rather root out the source of the smell.

          1. I also hate the smell of Febreeze. I’d rather catch a whiff of literal sh1t than Febreeze.

          2. FYI Febreeze is just starch (like in baking!) but in a fun (and functional!) shape…

   12. Just as a safety concern – I’d make sure you don’t have a mold problem if you have consistently bad smells in your home unrelated to cleanliness. Having certain molds in your home can cause some really difficult health problems for some folks.

6. Random question- I got an expense reimbursement today, and apparently they also sent my paycheque early. I assume this is an accounting glitch and I just won’t get paid on Nov 1, but do I need to contact HR about this?

   1. In my org you would contact accounting, not HR, about an unexpected check. I would absolutely follow up by e-mail and keep the whole thread. It could come back to haunt you months later even if it is supposedly resolved. I’ve had accounting screw up expense reimbursements, fix them, then come back to me later on because they couldn’t keep things straight and thought I owed them money.

   2. Couldn’t hurt – if you end up getting paid twice, you’ll need to give the money back, so better to figure it out ahead of time and avoid!

   3. Why wouldn’t you? It’s a simple email “hey what’s the deal with this check?”

7. New house has very soft water and it’s making my hair feel weird, sort of heavy and flat. Any recommendations on what I need to do to change? Very thick, coarse, straight hair, just over shoulder length. Current shampoo / conditioner is moroccanoil twice a week but I’m very brand-agnostic. PNW so overall humid climate. Thank you!

   1. You can buy a showerhead with a water filter in it.

   2. Soft water is wonderful for hair, isn’t it? Maybe it is worth it to switch to different hair products – the moroccan oil could be too heavy.

      1. Soft water is great for hair….hard water is what makes our hair feel dirty and look terrible…..you may need lighter hair products

         1. Totally. My hair adores soft water – all it needs is Pantene shampoo and conditioner to be shiny and smooth and soft – and is jealous of your problem.

   3. weekly apple cider vinegar rinse and/or bentonite clay hair mask. it will strip the all impurities out of the hair, including what sounds like built up oil.

      also, you might just need regular protein treatments.

8. I am trying to figure out how minimalist people go when backpacking. When car camping, I was reared to change clothes before sleeping b/c you don’t want any day sweat / damp clothes in your sleeping bag. With backpacking, the message seems to be maybe bring one change of clothes in case of rain / some GI upset or a spill, but otherwise, sleep in your clothes and change only if you truly have to, and then only on an item-by-item basis. [Otherwise, layer and layer up/down as needed.] Bring a toothbrush and deodorant and a first aid kit and make sure that you have a raincoat. The most we’d go for is Friday-Sunday, so maybe this is OK? Not going to do the PCT or AT except brief parts as day hikes.

   Also, it seems that if you are backpacking / car camping, you might as well spend for the right backpacking gear and use it all the time. And that to get the right frame backpack, you need to spend a few hours at REI (our local option) to get fitted. Currently borrowing stuff from a family member and realizing that I have a really short torso from positioning the frame / hip straps.

   1. I just honestly think you need to calm down. There is no one right way. Try bringing less clothing and see how it goes. If you get to a point where the gear you currently have doesn’t work, that’s the time to look into getting something different.

      1. I don’t think all the backpack questions are the same poster. Lots of people are trying it for the first time this year! Our search and rescue team in the White Mountains has been busy!

         1. OMG — this is what I fear and why I only go with groups where I am the newbie. Maybe our rescue team poster has some good lessons for us new people to learn from?

            1. Some that our friend who does this has told us: Don’t get separated from your group; stay on the trail; if it’s hard to tell where the trail is (e.g. snow is covering it); turn back unless you are with an experienced orienteer and have the needed supplies; stay within your ability level and know what makes trails dangerous (e.g. mud on inclines, falling trees in wind)

            2. Oh, and bring enough water and a headlamp, and plan your water refills in advance!

            3. We bring walkie talkies too.

   2. I would change underwear and socks but I’ve worn the same clothing multiple days in a row on longer hiking trips – if you wear something like merino wool it doesn’t get stinky. Two outfits for 3 days is plenty. I would also do rain pants if you’re hiking in the rain.

   3. I change underwear and that’s it. If I’m going for two nights or more I also change socks and potentially the shirt if it’s going to be a really sweaty day. Don’t go to bed damp and you’ll be fine.

   4. I always wore merino long underwear to sleep. Don’t need fresh pyjamas every night but if you are in a place that gets cold at night, sleeping in your damp daytime clothes is not a good idea. Plus if you are in a bear area, you don’t want to sleep in the same clothes you cook. They should go up the tree like the food.

   5. I’m not a backpacker, but I would not sleep in my day clothes inside my sleeping bag. I’m feeling itchy just thinking about it. Fine to wear the same day clothes more than once, but I would sleep in something different and change my undies before putting on my pajamas. You want all that sweat and such away from your skin when you sleep, and this gives your day clothes a chance to air out overnight. Pajamas and an extra pair of undies don’t take up THAT much space.

      1. Also not a backpacker, but I grew up camping in bear country. The big fearless west coast black bears that will break into your car or steal food off your picnic table while you are sitting right there. I was taught that clothing that had been worn for cooking or eating needed to be stored in the bear box and should never be worn to sleep or kept in the tent.

         1. Oh this is new to me. Interesting. Our clothes wouldn’t fit in our bear cannisters, but I need to learn more.

         2. I never do this and it wouldn’t fit in the bear canister anyway. I just be really careful while eating, eat far from the tent, and try not to spill on myself. The bear canister is stored away from the cooking area and the sleeping area (roughly a triangle shape).

      2. This. Rewear your day clothes but don’t sleep in them.

         1. Missed this when I commented below! Exactly this!

   6. I would add extra for separate clothes to sleep in. You need to be dry and warm when sleeping. Dry wool socks, long underlayer and hat for example. Don’t get hypothermia!

      Gregory has nice women’s pack for short back, I really like the XS Jade (I have a 16 inch long back).

   7. I always bring camp clothes, and so do all my friends. We get back into our sweaty hiking clothes on Day 2 or day 3 or whenever there wasn’t space for more hiking clothes, but we absolutely, absolutely change at night. This is necessary in the PNW where the hike in is sweaty and the nights are mountain cold.

      1. (sweaty because you’re going up 2200 ft or whatever. Mountains!)

   8. Well, I mean, you gotta carry it with you, so you need to decide how much extra weight you want to lug around.

   9. i will just never understand why anyone thinks camping is fun, and all these questions don’t give me any clarity…to each their own!

9. Someone posted here recently about wanting to move away from a “out-of-control” pitbull at her neighbor’s house. Please call animal control. I’m a bit shaken because my best friend just witnessed a pit bull mauling a one-year-old girl and it was apparently just horrendous. The girl is okay, but she suffered a fractured skull and extreme facial lacerations. PSA: please take any questionably dangerous dogs in your vicinity seriously, especially if you have kids.

   1. Why pitbulls are even allowed to be domestic pets is beyond me. I don’t buy that it’s all about how you train them, sorry not sorry.

      1. Totally agree. And so tired of all those people who cite that xyz dogs bite more often. It’s so clear that pit bull attacks are on a totally different level. Severe dog bites like that scenario and dog kills are almost always pit bulls or similar aggressive dogs. Why people want dogs who are only appropriate as pets with super extensive training makes no sense to me. It’s like the people who own guns for their own protection ignoring the stat that the gun is more likely to be used to kill someone in their own house vs an intruder.

         1. It’s really not about aggression. It’s about strength combined with neglectful training. Other large, strong dogs like shepherds, Dobermans, and Rottweilers used to be the “dog bite” dogs when they were more popular dogs to neglect.

            1. Rottweilers are still second after pit bulls in the rankings of “which dogs maul people the most.”

      2. I agree, as does my husband, privately but we’re not supposed to say this out loud. We’re not dog people, but we just don’t get it. Why on earth would someone keep an animal like this? I get that not all pitbulls attack, but when they do, the capacity for harm to people is just so great. Why is this a chance that pitbull owners/advocates deem acceptable? Why can’t they rescue a cocker spaniel? I’m sure it will be just as loving with less capacity to rip someone’s face off.

      3. Totally agree. There’s a pit bull ban where I live but it’s not enforced and people are still buying them from backyard breeders. It’s so frustrating.

      4. Have you ever spent time with any pitbulls? The majority are the sweetest and cuddliest dogs that you have ever met. They just want to make their owners happy which is why they are easy to train (for good or evil). A pitbull that has been abused or trained to be bad is going to be a tough dog to break of those habits. A pitbull you adopted as a puppy from a shelter is no more dangerous than any other dog. Do your research.

         Also, don’t assume that every bad dog attack is a pitbull. People assume so many mutt breeds are pitbulls that aren’t!

         1. I agree, I think pitbulls can be really sweet, loving dogs! The issue is that a lot of rescue pitbulls come from bad backgrounds that predispose them to aggression and anxiety, and that coupled with their size and strength can be tough to deal with. My sister has a pit mix, a friend of mine has a pitbull, both seemed to pose challenges when they were puppies, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to get one as a first dog.

            It’s also really not a good idea to own a dog in an area where their breed is banned. I’d imagine taking to obedience training, or enrolling it in doggy daycare, or boarding it anywhere, or finding appropriate dogsitting services, would be a challenge if you’re not supposed to have it in the first place, not to mention veterinary care.

         2. This is exactly what I’m talking about!

         3. Yes, no history of biting and then it just randomly bit my uncle’s face at Christmas.

      5. OK, define “pitbull” then. Is it every blocky-headed dog that looks sinister to you? If you’re not a dog person, you’re not a dog person and that’s fine, but don’t go making comments about things you know nothing about.

         1. Exactly. People have gotten so reactive to this issue that they think every dog who looks menacing *to them* is a pit bull. I have a friend who has a French Mastiff/Dogue de Bordeaux and she got yelled at in the park one day to “keep her pit bull away” from someone’s kids.

            Also, one of my cousins was mauled and got severe facial injuries in a dog attack when he was 4. The dog was a Standard Poodle.

            1. That’s anecdata, but the stats show that pit bulls and Rottweilers are together responsible for 76% of fatal deaths in the U.S. over a 15-year or so period.

            2. Except your ancedata doesn’t change the fact that the vast majority of fatal dog attacks are by pitbulls not standard poodles.

               And Dogue de Bordeaux are known to be dog aggressive. They are also being increasingly interbred with pitbulls to create a larger sized pitbull. No one needs a 110lb dog in the city. That’s not fair to the dog.

            3. oooohhhh so our neighbors have told us that they are awaiting a mastiff puppy from a litter. Should I be concerned? I think they may have had pets as kids but are an adult couple with no current dog.

            4. As long as they are responsible about training, I wouldn’t worry. Your kids being around the dog as a small puppy will actually help with socialization. Dogs need socialization with kids and older people in particular as they smell and move differently than adults. DdeB are quite large so owners need to have them well trained because they can be hard to physically restrain if not well trained.

            5. “No one needs a 110lb dog in the city. That’s not fair to the dog.”

               I don’t think you have a clue what you’re talking about – not all cities are like cities in the Northeast, I realize that’s a *really* difficult concept for you folks who think either NYC or San Francisco is the center of the universe. But hey, thanks for sharing your uninformed opinion, it really added a lot to the discussion.

            6. Those stats come from dogsbite.org, a group whose sole purpose in life is to advance breed specific legislation. Even their “breed identification photos” that purport to advance their premise that pit bull type dogs are the main perpetrators of attacks show pictures of mixes of all kinds.

            7. @ Anon 12:20 – Thanks for your nasty response. Really added a lot. So glad you contributed. Totally missed all those posts about housing in SF and LA with the 1/4 acre lots that are widely available to people with large dogs so they can be properly exercised. You’re probably someone who thinks it’s okay to take a DdeB for a long run as exercise. Keeping a large dog properly exercised is a key component of dog behavior. You need a sufficient amount of space to properly, and regularly exercise a large dog.

         2. +1000. Pitbull is not a breed – it’s a generic term used to describe dogs with blocky heads and bodies descended from bulldogs and terrier mixes. So any dog that looks a certain way can be classified as a “pitbull.” Pitbull bans do a great job of playing on peoples’ fears of “dangerous dogs” but really are rooted in racist policies designed to keep people of color out of certain communities.

            1. I’m OP and just so you know, the one-year-old girl who just had her face destroyed is a person of color living in a very white area.

            2. The ‘what does pit bull mean’ is always such a red herring. You know what kind of dogs people are talking about. Pit bull is a lot easier to say on a message board vs. typing out American staffordshire terrier, Bull terrier, American Pit Bull Terrier, American Bulldog and Staffordshire Terrier to summarize the ‘pit bull type’ dogs.

               You’re blaming internet commentators for not correctly identifying very similar looking dog breeds yet you are also apparently not able to identify how clearly these types of dogs are vastly overrepresented as a percentage of fatal and severe dog bite attacks.

            3. Our white neighbors had a large aggressive frequently non-leashed dog (probably a mutt) that I would have shot once had I had a gun. And they were probably judgement-proof renters who had a landlord who didn’t care (old lady in nursing home several states away). Was so glad when they moved.

            4. Thank you- my bull terrier is one of the nicest dogs I’ve ever known- easy to train, gentle and patient. And because I’m not a monster I have trained him, and keep him on leash around kids.

               Statistics show that Labradors are responsible for more bites per dog than bully breeds , and chihuahuas are among the most aggressive dogs, but somehow bullies get a bad rap. Yes, dog bites are a thing that happens, but the terror upthread on living next to a mastiff makes me really disappointed.

            5. WTAF. How in the world is a dangerous dog related to racist policies?

            6. I can’t reply directly to the commenter who asked about how racist policies are connected to breed bans, but a quick google search will pull up several articles and examples of how breed bans have been used to keep minorities and immigrants out of white communities in Miami-Dade; Aurora, CO; Sterling Heights, MI; NYC ; Ellenville, NY; and many other US communities (and Montreal and Ontario in Canada as well).

            7. That’s not even remotely correct for what happened in Montreal and Ontario. Numerous people were mauled and killed by pit bulls, including one lady in her own back yard. That’s what galvanized public support behind the bans. The bans work. No one has been killed by a pitbull since.

      6. I think most dogs in the shelters these days get labeled “pit bull mix” because they are some blend of random breeds and blocky headed dogs that get classified as pits. If you blend a boxer with a lab it’s going to look mighty similar to a pit and a lab etc.
         You’d pretty much have to clear out every animal in the shelter to prevent people from ending up with one.
         I say this as a person who has adopted a “pit bull mix”, and he is super chill around people.I have friends who work for local rescues and have also seen plenty that are from a terrible background and prone to aggressive reactions. They are just very prevalent in shelters and with bad histories. It’s a hard trauma to overcome in a dog. And as another poster said, they have extremely strong jaws and are terriers that innately like to chase things.

         1. It’s not a coincidence that the shelters are full up of bully type dogs though.

         2. Good point, it’s super tough to find a dog to adopt that isn’t a pit bull, or a pit mix, or a potential “bully breed” mix. The adoption process is grueling, and the “easy” breeds that are up for adoption get tons of applicants and get snapped up quickly. I agree with “adopt, don’t shop” on principle, but I also get that if you want a specific breed that’s easy to train and good with kids you might need to go through a breeder so you know what you’re getting.

            That said, I think it would be a ton of fun to adopt a dog, get it tested, and have a “breed reveal” party.

   2. That was me! I did not have the oppourtunity to reply back to that thread after posting, but did appreciate the responses. And I will just say now as follow-up – yes, I have called animal control. Multiple times, with no results.

      Pitbulls are banned provincially where I live. “Animal Control” in my City as far as I know is handled by municipal bylaw officers. I have been told that, generally speaking, they do not enforce the provincial pit bull ban but there is a bylaw related to general animal control and care. Based on my experience, I do not believe even the municipal bylaw is enforced in any but the most extreme circumstances (ie. someone actually gets bitten). I have tried different avenues, like calling Humane Society, without much success. Short of locking up my children and pets, trying to move, I’m at a loss here.

      1. Can you fence your yard to keep the dog out? Expensive but good for your pets too.

         1. +1 to a fence. Best peace of mind for both what you want to keep out (other people/pets) and what you want to keep in (your pets/kids). It was the very first thing DH and I have done at our homes. Expensive but absolutely worth it.

      2. Most places won’t insure someone with an illegal dog breed (some won’t insure pits at all). Wonder if you could find out about the owner’s insurance and contact them. The company could then force the owner to have the dog removed or lose their insurance, which tends to make an owner act and be vigilant.

         1. That’s a good idea. I’m a landlord, and we always say dogs are permitted on a “case by case” basis because our insurance excludes about a dozen breeds.

   3. Re: questionably dangerous dogs – one should assume all dogs are dangerous until told otherwise, including even gold retrievers. My dog (a lab mix) is good but easily frightened by uncontrolled kids that come running screaming at us in a park. Sometimes the parents are right there and don’t intervene. I’ll usually say “please don’t pet my dog, she is shy” and they are kids and still run at us anyway.

      Parents, please teach your kids NOT to do this. Teach them that all dogs can be dangerous and they should never hug a dog except their own. Teach them how to do a polite pet on the body. How to approach slowly and to leave if the owner says their dog does not want to be pet. Teach them that just like they don’t always want to be touched, dogs are the same.

      We as a society have domesticate dogs to the point we do not expect them to act like dogs. Dogs do not have to be perfect and parents have to be more vigilant! OP – I’m not saying this is what happened in your friend’s case at all, it is just something I have seen a lot of.

      Growing up, we were taught not to approach a strange dog (back then, often chained to a dog house) and if we were bit, we were told it should teach us a lesson. Now if a dog won’t let a kid hang off of it, it is considered a dangerous dog. We are the dangerous species.

      1. Ah yes, the one year old definitely should have known better than to get up in the dog’s space

         1. I don’t think anyone is saying that. In the case of that one-year-old, knowing what we know, the parents and the dog’s owner are equally at fault. Both should be managing the interaction for the safety of both baby and dog. Anon10:33 is saying that children should be taught how to safely interact with dogs just as much as dogs should be taught to safely interact with children, and I 100% agree.

            1. Jesus how did you confirm that the parents are equally at fault. Are you OP?

            2. No, she’s not. I am. I can’t agree that the parents are “equally” at fault. You should be able to turn your back for a minute without assuming that someone’s dog will maul your child. Kids should be able to play in the street with each other with a reasonable expectation that they won’t get their faces torn to shreds. I don’t think that’s too much to ask to put the burden on the dog owners.

            3. Sorry, I should have been more clear. Without knowing any more about the situation, I would have assumed that they were equally at fault. Thank you OP for weighing in.

      2. I agree to the extent that I teach my child “all dogs bite” just like “all guns are loaded,” but I still can’t wrap my brain around having a pitbull (or Rottweiler or whatever terrifying animal) as a pet for snuggling and companionship. The point is not that no dog will ever harm a child (they can and will, and dog owners like you will blame the child). The point is that when it inevitably does lets hope the kid doesn’t lose an eye/face/life.

         1. Cute little breeds bite all the time, and I hate that people think a biting Chihuahua is cute, but it isn’t going to be a lethal wound at least or something requiring extensive reconstructive surgery. I have a large dog and from day 1 I have recognized that any issue on his part is going to be intolerable given his size.

      3. Your dog is the problem, not the kids. Train your dog or don’t take her to parks. Period.

         1. There’s also nothing wrong with muzzles.

         2. No. Kids should not just pet any animal without asking permission of the owner first.

            1. Yup I hate how parenting is now just ‘other people didn’t mitigate risk enough’ instead of actually taking ownership of a child’s actions

            2. Her concern is that kids are “running up to” her dog in a park. That’s what kids do at a park. They run around. If your dog can’t handle kids running around in the park, then don’t take your dog to the park.

               This is a dog training issue. Owners should not blame other people, especially kids, for their shortcomings in training. Your dog is a tragedy waiting to happen if you think it’s always someone else’s fault.

            3. Both parties can be at fault. It’s bad to take an unmuzzled dog that isn’t safe around kids to the park, and it’s also bad parenting not to teach kids about strange animals. Not every animal that’s willing to maul you in the face has a owner at all.

            4. Kids run around in parks. Period. Thats what they do. If you don’t believe I’m right, let’s ask the law. If your dog bites a child in the park, that’s your fault. Train and control your dog. If you can’t do that, your dog does not belong in public spaces.

            5. There’s a difference between “kids in parks running around” and “kids in parks running UP TO a strange dog and touching it without asking for permission.”

            6. OMG Emeralds, thank you. This conversation is bonkers to me. I don’t go walking it near the playground. I walk it on a path near other humans and dogs and it is perfectly fine. It is when an unsupervised child comes running at us insisting on petting the dog and won’t take no for an answer that things get awkward. Parent your damn kids.

            7. Have you just never seen how kids in a park react to dogs? A lot of kids run straight towards every dog they see because they haven’t been taught that some dogs just aren’t friendly.

      4. It sounds like you shouldn’t bring your dog to a park with children.

      5. Yes x100. My kids are 2/4/7 and all sort of a little afraid/apprehensive of dogs. Someone said something once And I told them this is exactly how I want them to be around dogs: apprehensive until told/shown otherwise.

         My 2 year old hides behind me when she sees a dog. Then we ask the owner if it’s ok to look at the dog/ ok to pet (if she wants to). Then she loves on the dog as appropriate for the situation. My other kids just shirk back until given the signal (by the dog or verbally by its owner) to approach.

         We used to (before the kids) have a 100lb athletic black dog (border collie/lab mix but totally got called a pitbull from afar bc he was big and black and ran fast) who occasionally snapped at humans. We are dog lovers but hyper aware that not all dogs are kid lovers.

         (We obviously rehomed our dog when we had kids after 7 years of ongoing training/behavior mitigation.)

      6. While the specific situation above is probably not a “both sides” situation, I’d agree with this. I have a golden retriever that is sweet as can be – you can pull his tail, stick your fingers in his mouth, and he’ll just lick you. It drives me nuts though when parents let their kids wander around at a beer garden, go up to random people’s dogs, and do things like pull their tail. My dog won’t bit your kid, but if you did that to a dog that would, yeah, that’s the parent’s fault. I’ve watched little kids try to climb on dogs, and parents not say a word. And no, these weren’t one year old kids – they were 4 or 5 – definitely old enough to know better.

   4. I live in NYC and am frankly shocked at the way parents allow their children to interact with dogs. I have a mid size, friendly, extremely chill rescue (breed unknown). In the past two weeks, I’ve had children under age 5 run up behind my dog and pull her tail, pull her ears, and grab her in a bear hug. This is typical. In all of these occasions, the parent did not say anything to me before allowing their child to do this to the dog. It took me by surprise each time because the child came from behind. Each time I told the parents they should be cautious, because although my dog is sweet, not all dogs are, and they were super defensive.

      I also find the pitbull debate interesting. I see a lot of pitbulls, and the majority of them are friendly and sweet, so I’m less concerned about them. Whereas there are certain dog breeds I am much more afraid of in the city – owners who choose them tend to not train them and they are almost universally dangerous in someway (German shepherd is the big one for me).

      As a dog owner, I’m most wary of small dogs – owners tend not to train them because “they can’t do much damage” which is just…not true. So many small dog owners will claim their dog is friendly and then 1 second later the dog is trying to attack my dog. I basically never allow my dog to approach a small dog anymore, regardless of what the owner says.

      1. It’s absolutely true that small dogs cannot do as much damage as a large aggressive dog like a pitbull. When was the last time there was a fatal yorkie mauling?

         That does not excuse small dog owners who act like their dog biting is NBD but it’s extremely uncommon for a small dog bite to kill or severely maim a child or adult.

      2. Yep, entirely agree with this. I’ve had kids stick their fingers in my dog’s mouth at a beer garden – no parents in sight. He’s super friendly and will just lick you, but not all dogs are (and teeth are sharp!).

         Agree on the small dog front. And a yorkie could definitely hurt a small child.

         1. I didn’t say a yorkie couldn’t hurt a small child. No one is saying that pit bulls are the only type of dog that bites. Yorkies can bit, labs can bite etc. But the reality is, the vast majority of severe and fatal dog bites are caused by pit bulls or similarly aggressive dogs such as rottweilers.

            1. I’m the person you replied to originally and you seem to have intentionally misread my comment to make an unrelated point. My comment was that I worry about small untrained dogs harming my dog, not humans. My dog is 30 lbs and extremely docile – she would not fight back or even flee. A small dog could absolutely die significant damage to her. A friend is a vet and routinely sees dogs seriously maimed/injured by small dogs given the training issue.

      3. Shhhhh don’t say such a thing on this board, they think their children are entitled to yank at your dog.

         1. Shhh … dog owners think they and their pets are at the center of the universe! Not everyone finds your pooches charming and harmless.

            1. Isn’t that the point. People shouldn’t assume dogs are harmless? I’m a new dog owner — 18 months or so. The dog is almost 2 now. I’m continually amazed at people who run on the sidewalks and pass us from behind with no notice and run right beside us when there is a big boulevard and an empty street. If you are coming towards me, I move him off to the side or on the street, but if my dog gets started because we didn’t know you ran up behind us, he might jump on you. Same with an off leash trail we go to. Why do people with no dogs feel the need to run there. There are tons of trails. If you startle my dog in an off leash area and he chases you or jumps, don’t be surprised. He has never been off leash in an area that is not designated as such, so I’m not talking about having him off leash where he shouldn’t be.

               The world is big enough to to share if we can all use some common sense.

               On a totally unrelated dog note, I was at my dentist today and she now has an emotional support dog at the office who laid on my lap while I had a filling done today. So sweet.

            2. If your dog chases people when off leash you definitely should not have your dog off leash, that’s incredibly irresponsible!! Just because the trail is off leash doesn’t mean all dogs can be off leash. That is on you. Yikes.

      4. One of the things I love most about my big dog’s vet is that he brooks no BS with the “But FiFi is so friendly!” type owners of unleashed, ill-behaved little dogs. All dogs on short leash or in crates, 100% of the time. If someone’s unleashed snack runs up under my dog, unless my reflexes are on point, it will be toast. My dog won’t even register that the squealy, eratically moving little thing is a dog. There’s not an aggressive bone in her body, but if something looks, acts and squeaks like prey then runs up under her face, instinct > training.
         So many incidents could be avoided if people actually learned about dogs, rather than expecting them to be furry children.

         1. So in other words, you never trained your dog not to be dog aggressive.

            1. No… my dog is perfectly fine with dogs who act like dogs. Big, small, doesn’t make a difference. A fluffy, squealing, erratically moving *thing* whose owner allows to run at large, up underneath my dog? How is my dog, who is socialized well with other dogs, to recognize that it’s a dog and not prey? If it looks like prey, moves like prey and squeals like prey, how is my dog to know the difference?
               I hold up my end of the bargain – my dog is on leash and well behaved. I’m very thankful that my vet enforces this standard for all animals in the practice. I’m tired of little dogs crappy behavior being excused as “cute” when it’s quite dangerous.

         2. Or didn’t own dogs that attack anything squealing and furry. If instinct is winning out over training you need better training, that’s the point of training.

            1. LMAO, that’s hilarious.

   5. OP – not sure if you are still reading but if it eases your mind a little, the 1 year old may end up okay without disfigurement and scarring. My friend’s teenager was mauled by a mid-sized non-pitbull dog (I don’t know the breed, but I’ve seen pictures). The dog ripped out a chunk of the side of her face. They thought she would be permanently disfigured. She had plastic surgery at the hospital that day (which may have included some skin grafting) and when I saw her literally days later, there was just a small incision where everything had been stitched up and all of the big work was in the inside. I honestly don’t know how that is humanly possible but plastic surgery has come so far. She looks 100% normally just months later and you have to look hard to see the scar. Best wishes to you, your friend and the 1 year old/their family.

10. How do you increase motivation and responsibility in an elementary school kid? I worry at times because my 2nd grader is not super motivated – she just wants to have do crafts, watch TV, etc. I and or our nanny have to constantly remind her about homework, reading (we ask that she reads for 20 minutes at night), get her to be on time for things. Even getting her to do physical activity is hard, we have to drag her out of the house to go to the playground/bike rides/etc. She says she just wants to “rest” all the time. Both my husband and I were pretty responsible/motivated as kids so we are at a loss on how to manage this, or if we should even be worrying about it.

    1. please ignore this! I meant to post in cmoms :)

    2. IDK. I signed my kids up for church in before times b/c so that they could hear values repeated from someone other than just me. And also scouts (a scout is patient, a scout is kind, a scout does a good turn daily). I feel like the message they get from the world is “pursue leisure! only do what is fun!” which is not how the world works.

       1. Scouts and church are part of “the world”, as are parents, school, team sports, and all sorts of other entities that promote good values.

    3. Remember that it isn’t a pandemic and your child isn’t lazy and defective she’s struggling and normal. Check in with her pediatrician next time, but if she wants to do crafts, support that. If reading for 20 minutes at night isn’t working, drop it. I’m less worried about her and more worried about your expectations- a 7 year old shouldn’t be super motivated.

       1. +1

          She’s seven, not a Biglaw lawyer. Good grief.

    4. Might just be a different personality type than you/your husband — just may not be a go go go personality that we see on this board all the time. Also may be a kid who will work hard when she finds something she loves not just because she’s supposed to. Honestly at 2nd grade I’d start making her responsible for certain tasks — like 20 min of reading or hw. Make a chart. Every day she’s supposed to check off (or you can make it fun w rubber stamps/stickers) that she did her reading/her hw. At the end of the week, she should have 14 stamps there (or maybe daily by 6 pm or whatever 2 stamps must be there for reading and hw), if there aren’t because she didn’t do it OR bc she did it but didn’t check it off, she loses time to craft or watch tv. I feel like lessons sink in quick when kids want to watch tv but can’t because they didn’t do some dumb administrative task and then after a while that task becomes routine and you can phase out the chart.

    5. Sounds pretty normal for a 7 year old. What kid is particularly self-motivated to do homework?

    6. It’s a pandemic! Give her a break. Things are hard right now.

    7. She’s 6? As long as she’s crafting and reading and can add up, I wouldn’t be worried.

    8. Honestly she’s still at an age where she’s supposed to play most of the time. Doing crafts sounds like an awesome hobby. I think she’s maybe also not too old to read chapter books with you. Also not all kids love reading but I think there is also sometimes a tendency for people to think that kids are more advanced at reading than they truly are and it’s hard to find the right reading material. Certain types of books we loved kids like Anne of Green Gables or A Wrinkle In Time are probably too stuffy for her age but maybe she’d like something more fun like Allie Finkle or even just picture books.

       1. This is an aside, but: I was a voracious reader as a kid, but man, I hated all the classic stuff I was “supposed” to like. But I’d rip through a modern series like Sweet Valley Twins or the Baby-sitters Club in no time. :)

          OP, I added some thoughts on the Cmoms page. Basically, it boils down to: you can’t force your kid to like and value what you like and value. I say this from a place of care, because it’s been one of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn as a parent.

          1. Amen times a million from a mom who tried my hardest to turn my Type Z son into a Type A for years and finally gave up in time to salvage the relationship, but just barely. Spoiler alert: He graduated from college, did four years in the Marine Corps, got his master’s degree on the GI Bill and is about to get licensed as a psychotherapist. He’s fine and your daughter will be, too.

    9. Yes based on my 7 year old and her friends, I’d say your expectations are a little too aggressive for the typical second-grader. I wouldn’t worry about her at all.

       We have a little bit of a routine – after school they each get 20 min of undivided parent attention, then they need to go do their homework. I’ve found giving them that attention first thing to unload about their day really helps their mood. For them, school is just as stressful as work is for us, and they need that “commute time” to switch modes.

       Then after dinner is 20 min of reading, either alone or together with a parent – their choice. (Even if they choose alone, a parent is sitting next to them, also reading.) It helps to model that parents also choose to read in their spare time and it’s a family activity that we value. To start this off, we did it as a family read along, with the “prize” that we watched the movie after we finished the book. We cycled through the first Harry Potter, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Charlotte’s Web. The kids surprisingly requested we do this again so now we’re reading through Lemony Snickets together and will try the Netflix series with NPH when we’re done.

       1. This. Reading as a family activity, even if you are reading different things.

       2. I really love your parenting style. Nice job.

    10. Based on my experiences, I would follow up on the desire for “rest.” My pediatricians missed that I had an immune deficiency as well as another condition that causes weakness and relative exercise intolerance. I’ve met many people with my conditions who were diagnosed as adults because pediatricians just don’t have mild, rare conditions on their radar, even when they are highly treatable.

        1. Agree. Especially, if the requests for rest are not just about getting screen time or avoiding cleaning up (one of my twins will announce ‘he’s tired’ whenever it is time to pick up toys).

        2. That stuck out to me, too. I think it’d be worth a check-in with her doctor if she’s tired throughout the week.

           1. +1

           2. On this front, my then-4 year old was constantly tired last year and it turns out her iron was low! Not anemic but evidently you can have low iron levels without being anemic. Iron supplements helped a LOT. Enough that I was honestly surprised.

        3. Can you tell us what those conditions are? As an adult I still struggle with above-average difficulty exercising and putting on strength (true across yoga, dance, and running)

           1. And FWIW it seems to be related to connective tissue not muscles — PTs repeatedly tell me I am strong but just can’t access it without help.

              1. Yes, my issues seem to be neuromuscular rather than with the muscles themselves. I actually have kind of strong muscles, probably from relying on them to hold things together somewhat? The medication Mestinon is the interventions that is making the biggest difference for me currently, though apparently it was a bit of a longshot when my neuro first prescribed it.

                 I was checked for dozens of other conditions that could have explained my childhood symptoms though; it could be a lot of things. But I was surprised to learn just how many conditions there are that can explain “not quite keeping up with the other kids” and that can get worse (or sometimes better) as we get older.

              2. This is so so so so helpful and heartening. I’ll chat with the doctor.

           2. Symptomatic low IgA, dysautonomia probably connected to connective tissue disease (my neurologist thinks I have EDS, but there’s so much drama in the world of hEDS/hypermobility disorder diagnosing right now that I’m steering clear), and multiple GI conditions affecting motility and nutrient absorption (gastroparesis and low stomach acid).

              There were a lot of signs in my labs over the years (low alkaline phosphatase, macrocytic anemia, low IgA when I was tested for Celiac, low CO2, low uric acid, low cholesterol, and others), as well as in my medical history of constant infections, but it wasn’t until I was an adult that I was able to get answers and treatment, probably because the symptoms were so subclinical when I was younger. “Feeling tired” and “struggling to keep up” just doesn’t make doctors sit up and listen!

              1. But basically, low IgA (an immune deficiency) and dysautonomia (which includes a lot of GI symptoms for me). The reason I said more is that I got bounced around a lot with the autonomic symptoms before getting treated, but treatment has really helped.

        4. Yeah the wanting to craft and watch tv instead of being motivated to do hw sounds normal (but think it’s fine to make a hw before tv rule and if it’s not followed, to take away tv time) but the not wanting to play outside and wanting to rest instead of going to the playground sounds off to me.

           I see nothing wrong with an expectation of doing hw, reading 20 mins, playing outside for 20 mins and then she’d able to spend the rest of the day crafting / playing inside with some tv time

        5. Yes, that caught my eye too. I think it’s worth looking into with a doctor.

    11. Different take: when I wanted to rest all the time as a kid, I had a sinus infection that lasted 2 years and was seriously disturbing my sleep, and I probably would have benefitted from some occupational therapy too to deal with emotions and sensations I found overwhelming. It is totally normal for a child to want to craft, but the resting thing and not wanting to play outside really resonated. Might be worth just double checking there aren’t underlying mental or physical health issues.

    12. This was me as a child. I came up with every excuse ever to not go to school, every homework assignment ended in tears, I absolutely refused to read because it was “boring”. At every opportunity, I was in my room, in pajamas, covered in glue, paint, fabric and paper scraps. Around age 7-8 made a 3 story doll house (from a bookcase) for barbies with furniture (cardboard and scrap wood), sewed them blankets and pillows and curtains (with ruffles!) and dresses, which I hung in the closet that I made on hangers I made out of cardboard. I remember it took me a while to source the stick for the hanging bar. I remember making stencils from thin cardboard with a paring knife I stole from the kitchen, stenciling and painting wallpaper (it was the 80s…), rolling it up into rolls, then unrolling and gluing it on the walls (why the rolling and unrolling??). My mother had no idea what to do with me. I got in trouble for gluing the wallpaper to the bookcase.

        Today, I am a successful professional and parent whose main hobby is reading (I read 50+ books a year). I don’t have crafty hobbies now, but I’m good at fixing things, can DIY home stuff, and sewed my own clothes in my 20s. My child has no interest in crafts, and I don’t really know what do with her.

    13. I do think it’s very personality dependent. I have three kids, and one of them is definitely less motivated than the others. Part of it is that she is not motivated by the thought of pleasing me/her teacher/anyone. My other two kids are like get things out of the way so we can move on kind of kids, and she will mope and whine and complain and basically spend three times as long on anything because of all the complaining. I don’t have any advice to give you, though. In my case, at least, any kind of reward chart is not motivating because in the moment she does not care whether she gets a sticker, even though the idea of a prize is alluring.

    14. This sounds pretty similar to my 7-year-old, whom I believe to be completely normal. We often have to drag him out of the house to get outdoors, but he enjoys it when he gets there. For us, cold turkey on the TV but for 90 minutes on the weekends has helped. TV turns kids into monsters IME. (But you can pry those three hours during the weekends from my cold, dead hands, haha). He doesn’t want to read independently most nights, and we don’t force it. We just read to him and his siblings most nights. He’s at grade level for reading, so I’m waiting for that spark to light fire on its own.

    15. If you’d like her to read more on her own, maybe try getting her some craft books or magazines that have crafts for kids in them. Kids benefit most from reading that is engaging & meaningful to them.

    16. My now 12.5 was like this as a 6yo. I think every family member who saw her for more than 20 minutes between the ages of 5 and 8 tried to make her fall in love with reading. You know what? She reads constantly as a seventh grader, for school and for pleasure. She was fine, your kid is fine.

11. Random question — I’m one of these people that really looks forward to fall foliage and like to get a handful of good pics each year as I’ll look at those pics and they’ll make me happy until next fall. So normally I’m in a city — you can walk around and take pics of whatever. Yet I’ve been riding out part of this pandemic in the suburbs and a lot of the pretty trees are in neighborhoods. Something about stopping on a sidewalk to take a pic of someone else’s property seems . . . wrong. In a city if you end up with houses in your pic it’s row houses so it’s a bunch of houses and doesn’t look like you’re photographing any one of them. Here I’m kind of scared of some owner walking out the door screaming at me for taking a pic of their house. Is there an etiquette about this?

    1. I have seen plenty of people taking pictures of my trees. No one will think you’re weird if you are obviously focusing on and framing the trees and not their homes, cars, yards, etc.

    2. I think you’re fine. I’ve been snapping quick pictures of people’s Biden/Harris signs to send to my best friend who lives in a red area. I’d just be super friendly if someone comes to see what you’re doing “ hope you don’t mind but your tree is so pretty…”

       Weird anecdote: when I moved to the suburbs I noticed that every night after work there would be someone sitting in their car directly in front of my house for about an hour. Then they’d leave and someone else would do the same thing. It freaked me out until my lovely neighbor across the street explained she gives music lessons to children in the evenings and these were parents waiting for their kids and not a stakeout.

       1. Ha! That’s a great anecdote!

    3. Suburban homeowner here, and I wouldn’t care if someone took pictures of my trees.

       1. +1

    4. I don’t know where you are, but in my suburban neighborhood this is super common. People stop all the time to take a picture of a beautiful red maple down my street, people stop and take pictures of cute holiday decorations, and I’ve personally stopped and taken pictures of pretty flowers that make me happy.

       I think the etiquette is that you don’t go into their yard to take the picture. If you can stay on the sidewalk or the parkway and still get a good photo, you’re all clear, but maybe don’t walk through their yard to get a closeup of their flowerbox.

       1. +1. I love architecture so I’m always taking pictures of interesting houses. Stay off their actual property and it’s fine.

       2. My daughter does a daily walk that includes a house with a pet pig in the fenced front yard! She doesn’t take pictures, but plenty of people do. It’s a “thing” in her neighborhood.

          I’m in the suburbs and I wouldn’t mind if someone took pictures of foliage.

    5. Heck, that’s what makes walking fun for me! We explore new neighborhoods and sometimes if a house is particularly lovely or has interesting lawn art or a garden, I totally take a picture.

       Recently came across a house that a bunch of dolls “planted” in the yard. Like, it was intentional, not just kids leaving their toys out. Very weird and interesting and I absolutely took pictures! The owner happened to come outside, we shouted, Cool lawn! And he waved and we went on our way.

    6. I’m in the neighborhood part of a midsize city, so not exactly the suburbs but it has a semi-suburban feel.

       My house has a 40+ year old rose garden as the front yard. If I tried to stop people from taking pictures, it would be a full time job. But I don’t want them to stop. The garden is beautiful and I’m glad people enjoy it.

       I could do without the influencer types trampling into my garden for a “candid” photo with their face right up next to the roses, mainly because they don’t give a crap about what they’re trampling in the flowerbeds while they’re doing this. But as long as you’re respectful of other people’s property, snapping a pic of a beautiful tree would be a compliment to most avid gardeners.

12. I’m heading into my version of busy season next week. Planning on 13-14 hour days, 6 days a week. What can I do to prepare?

    Live in a city apartment with a roommate. Our fridge/freezer is apartment sized so I can’t really stock up on freezer meals. Luckily my commute is only 3 miles and I usually bike, so won’t spend too much time commuting + built in “workout” and fresh air.

    Periods like this are not rare for me – spent much of the spring in a surprise similar situation due to covid. However, I feel like I get amnesia and forget what it’s like and what I need to do to get myself ready beforehand

    1. Do laundry and clean.

    2. If you don’t have in-unit laundry facilities, buy extra underwear so you need to do laundry less often. Be sure you have tampons, toilet paper, toothpaste etc. to get you through. If you might want an occasional drink, buy what you like so it can be a day off bright spot without any effort.

       1. Yeah, if you’re not going to have a ton of time to yourself, make the time you DO have really enjoyable. I’d put in a Target order for nicer-than-normal toiletries, a couple facemasks, a lipstick/eyeshadow that makes you feel good, maybe a soft pair of joggers or a hoodie. Adjust as needed for your tastes.

    3. Oh I’ve been preparing for something similar. So, here’s what I usually do: 1) sign up for one of those super quick meal kit delivery services. I think the one I went with this time is gobble. Instead of a 30 min meal that actually takes an hour, these are 15 min. This way you know you have a couple good meals coming to you; 2) Take a look at things you use often and make sure you stock up on any that may need replacing in the next bit of time; 3) Consider getting a cleaner to come in one or twice – this way you and roommate are arguing about cleaning and it will make you feel like your space is in good order; 4) make a list of “fun” but minimal effort things you can do so that if you are in a slump one day it’s right there waiting for you.

       1. Don’t think my roommate will go for the cleaner – she’s pretty concerned about covid. Hours will be roughly 8a-9/10p so will honestly eat all my meals at the office (which will probably be pizza and will probably be paid out of pocket)

          This reminds me I need more moisturizer – thanks for the reminder!

          Do you have any recs for little fun things to do? I tried making a list but didn’t get very far

          1. If you are not good with eating pizza for every meal (and it is okay if you are!), then make a list of quick items you can grab to take with you to work two or three days a week — favorite frozen meal, a hearty salad that keeps for a few days and can be portioned, soup, or takeout from a spot close to work. That way you have something to quickly refer to instead of having to think about it or deciding you have no options.

    4. Make sure you have good reflective gear and lights on your bicycle since it gets dark so early this time of year.

13. Any advice/recommended resources for dealing with and supporting a spouse with anxiety and depression? My husband is finally getting treatment for what we thought was just lifelong anxiety and has become depression in the past two years. I had long suspected this, and am really glad he’s getting treatment as it was starting to affect our relationship. He just went on Lexapro this week, and I think it takes a while to kick in? I’m asking for advice because I genuinely cannot fully grasp what he is going through. I sort of only get it on a theoretical level. I totally don’t mean this to be a humblebrag, but I am a pretty “well-adjusted” person. I’m generally happy and when bad/stressful things happen, I deal with them and move on, so it’s very hard for me to know how to respond to how he is experiencing the world. TIA!

    1. It takes about 4-6 weeks to really take effect. He might see some improvement before then, but make sure he doesn’t feel discouraged if it takes some time. Also, they usually start you on the minimum dose, so if he feels somewhat better but not a lot, they can always ramp up the dosage. I think most doctors ask to see people again 1 month after they start anti-depressants for this reason.

    2. You are not well adjusted; you had the good fortune of having good brain chemistry and a reasonable enough childhood to not screw you up.

       My husband takes blood pressure medication; my blood pressure is 90/60. I don’t feel the need for someone to explain this to me; I hit the genetic lottery and he pulled a short straw. (FWIW, through a lot of healthy eating and exercise, his blood pressure is down, but he still needs medication.) My childhood was completely forked up, which affects my ability to be a good wife and mother; my husband had an idyllic childhood but understands that I need help in this area.

       1. Yes, please do not ever tell your spouse anything that resembles that you think you are well-adjusted. My depression is chemical and I will have to be on anti-depressants my entire life most likely (going on 20+ years now and the few short periods where I have gone without were bad times for my mental health), depression and anxiety are also hereditary on my mother’s side, PLUS I had a head injury in high school with brain trauma, PLUS I have experienced some trauma in my life. However, I hold down a prestigious job, I pay all my bills on time, keep other living things alive, have purchased two houses as a single, woman, blah blah.

          What you should do is support the path your spouse is taking by asking them what they need from you to be supportive. Everyone is different – when I get depressed I want to be left alone, but not everyone is like that. The best thing you can do, IMO, is ask for specifics and your spouse can’t give them you have to be okay with that and periodically check in with them to ensure nothing has changed in the needs department.

          1. Thank you. This is much more helpful than the original comment you were responding to. I realize “well-adjusted” is not the right term (hence the “”), but what I am struggling with is basically that his reactions to various things are so different from mine that it would never even occur to me to react that way. I’m not saying that in a defensive or attacking way – I genuinely don’t think like he does and things that I think will help end up making it worse. But your advice to ask him for specifics is very helpful.

             1. I get what you’re saying but please try to get out of the mindset that your experience is Normal or Standard. My bf does that with lots of things and it drives me crazy that he thinks any difference in our childhood experiences, for example, mean I had a weird or bad childhood.

             2. Anon at 1:03 makes a great point. Neither of your experiences or thought processes is normal or abnormal, they are just yours. I should also note that I dated someone once who was CRAZY obsessed with figure out why I felt the way that I felt and when I told him, he would said oh well that’s not how that would make me feel. No $hit Sherlock, I am talking about MY feelings. It was a huge issue in our relationship and ultimately why we broke up. He was invalidating my feelings by telling me that he wouldn’t have felt that way in my shoes. Please don’t invalidate your spouses feelings or how they react to something. Those are their feelings and their reactions and (absent violence, abuse, etc.) they are permitted to feel them and feel that their loved ones validate their feelings (vs invalidate them).

    3. I am the partner who takes antidepressants. The best thing my fiance can do is just hold me and remind me how much he loves me.

    4. I think being a non-judgemental, listening ear is the best thing you can be – it will help you understand for fully. Those close to me who have been able to “handle” my down days, giving me a safe space to feel less than 100% without me worrying about their reaction have been invaluable. Everyone’s anxiety/depression symptoms manifest differently. For me (before medication), the worst days included anxiety that came out of nowhere (not related to life problems), with physical symptoms including lack of appetite, stomach pain, and heart racing. I felt like there was something very wring when there was nothing. It can be very stressful, as well as exhausting. Asking him what would be the most supportive/welcome for him personally would be the best steps :)

14. There was some discussion about “Northeast Republicans“ yesterday and today, Susan Collins is talking about the decline of the “New England Republican” in the NYT. I also saw a couple of people chime in on the threads yesterday saying that they are conservative. My question is what do you view as the future of the party? Have you found a home in Trump’s party or is the party that you voted all your life for no more? I’m really trying to understand how and whether so-called “educated” (for lack of a better word – I don’t think all conservatives are uneducated) are voting for Trump when he seems to have strayed really far from the party’s historic principles. I would truly love to hear your thoughts and build bridges with you.

    1. I think that they have all died out and gone to heaven with Lloyd Bentsen and the blue-dog Democrats (mirror image).

    2. Why is this hard to understand? Plenty of rich white people are straight up racist. Other rich white educated people simply care only about paying as little as possible in taxes. Other well educated people are passionately pro life. Like it or not, those people do exist.

       1. I think that’s a bit reductive and I also don’t want to shut down the thread with the “you’re racist” conversation-ender.

          1. I dont think it’s reductive. We live in a country founded on white supremacy. Some people like Trump because they are racist. I also listed other reasons why educated people are Republicans.

             1. I actually don’t know that many highly educated anti-abortion people. I know some who wouldn’t choose it for themselves, but most of the highly educated “Northeast conservative” types I’ve crossed paths with are pro-choice and it’s not a huge issue on their radars. I could be wrong, but I don’t think it’s a strong driving force for (most) educated Republicans.

       2. +1

          Most of my Republican friends and voters are simply one issue voters. I want my money. None of them, honestly, are conservative socially and only a couple are religious. The ones who are religious are pro-life and that is their one issue (they claim….but secretly they mostly just want their money….).

          My friends are on the coasts and overseas.

          1. It’s so strange to me that the fiscally conservative Republicans aren’t head-over-heels for Biden. If they’re not driven by the anti-abortion side of things, then why won’t they just get behind a center-left candidate who at least offers some market stability? I understand that some of the far-left rhetoric is off-putting, but I don’t think that’s a key feature of Biden’s candidacy.

             1. I’m fiscally conservative and voting for Biden but I’m not head-over-heels for Biden. My taxes will go up under his tax plan. I care about things other than my money so I’m ok with that but not everyone is.

             2. At least part of it is economic though. When Biden wants to raise taxes on people making 400k plus here on Long Island, that’s a tough pill to swallow. That’s about my HHI. I’m a lifelong Democrat and I think I should pay higher taxes than someone making less but I’m living a middle class lifestyle. Not sure why the cutt off isn’t closer to nesting yachts, you know? I get that that’s eye popping money in Iowa, but it’s not here, where are taxes living expenses are already high. Republican- leaning folks here are predictably furious about that idea.

                Why they are not also furious about eliminating the SALT tax deduction I’ll never understand.

             3. Lilau, I’m going to have to push back on the idea that $400k on LI supports a “middle class” lifestyle… I’m a lifelong NYer and understand well that money doesn’t go as far here as it would in Iowa, but your family is vastly wealthier than almost all Nassau and Suffolk families. I don’t even feel the need to cite statistics to back that up.

          2. I think it’s important to recognize that not all of these people are just greedy and immoral, though they are definitely looking out for themselves at others’ expense. Many people are terrified to be living with such minimal safety nets, and they don’t trust that increased taxes will improve the safety nets. So they are trying to look out for themselves and their loved ones. I’ve seen this outlook a lot with immigrant families who live frugally and save as much money as they can. I don’t want to live in a world where it’s every man for himself, so I don’t see things this way. But I confess with the anti-mask crowd that my faith has been shaken lately, and I’ve found myself thinking more about how to save my own skin. I know that it’s possible to have better safety nets; many countries do. But the hostility in the US is so overwhelming, that I wonder if the insistence that it could never work here becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy?

             1. I absolutely agree with this. An additional nuance: When I knocked on doors of nice upper middle class looking homes in a nearby suburb to do a listening caucus, people were really worried that their taxes (car tabs here in WA) were growing faster than their incomes. Right or wrong, lot of people have just enough in their budget to pay for the life they have, and increases in taxes have immediate and negative effects on their ability to pay their mortgage, go on a vacation, or pay for childcare. Both of the latter two are covered by safety nets (e.g. in the netherlands I got 800 EUR toward a vacation!9 in other well-off societies.

             2. +1 to immigrant families having different thought processes. My husband’s father came here on political asylum and while he could never vote in U.S. elections, he supported Republicans because of the focus on individual liberty. I think it’s important to remember that a lot of immigrants in the U.S. have escaped political situations and hardships that we can barely even imagine here.

          3. I agree we make more than most, but it doesn’t afford the luxuries that you’d imagine rich folks have, or even what I always thought upper middle class people have. It’s not kitchen with an island, third car, country club or skiing on vacation money. It’s “we can afford daycare for one or two kids and a dated smaller home in a highly rated school district” money.

       3. I am not Republican and do not align myself with a particular political movement or party, but I know many many well educated Republicans. This comment is fairly accurate actually.

          The main benefits of Trump’s presidency has been: (1) hundreds of federal judges at all levels, which is the result of a ton of concentrated effort on the right for decades, (2) significant deregulation, (3) tax cuts for high earners, (4) various pro-life policy changes. Trump himself probably can’t even understand any of this because he is a moron, but he has been incredibly useful for the right’s goals.

          The judiciary changes will benefit the right for literally decades. With Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett along with the existing conservative judges, the right will see many of its policy goals upheld for decades. If Elizabeth Warren becomes Treasury Secretary and develops a consumer protection system with teeth, there are conservative judges at all levels that can rip it apart. Roe v. Wade may be overturned or dramatically curtailed, which has been the goal of pro-life Republicans for literally decades. And so on and so forth. In some ways, the people on the right were playing the very long game at the expense of their party’s shorter term prospects.

          Most of the Republicans I know truly despise Trump and are disgusted by him, but they voted for him in 2016 for the above reasons. None of that would have happened in a Clinton presidency. I think Trump is a Faustian bargain, but I can’t say the decision was completely irrational. What I find truly baffling are the people on the left who wouldn’t get off their high horse to vote for Clinton or Biden.

          And yes, there are well educated, wealthy racists. This is not even remotely new or surprising.

          1. This is very well put.

          2. Extremely well formulated. Thank you.

       4. Despite what current political theory claims, not everything is about race. The Republicans I know voted for Trump for lower corporate taxes.

          1. that’s like saying people who voted for Hitler for his economic policies aren’t racist

             When you’ve got a racist Nazi who kidnaps children in office

             EVERYTHING about choosing to let that leadership continues is racist. it is racist to not SEE that.

             1. This rhetoric of absolutes is why some liberals are not voting for Biden. In their view it’s either the whole left shabang or let it all burn. Decisionmaking by most adults is much more nuanced than Trump=racism=BAD.

    3. Well for starters MA has a well liked republican governor. So that’s an option.

       1. Love me some Charlie Baker.

          1. Ha! I live in the SEUS but listen to NPR out of Boston so I get local MA news and I, too, love me some Charlie Baker.

    4. White rich people hate paying taxes and helping poor people, so they’re conservative.

       1. It’s quite naive to think higher taxes will go to poor people. Higher taxes will go to more military spending and other pork projects.

          1. +1000

          2. +1

    5. The “reasonable” people I know who lean republican fall in three camps:
       – single issue voters: for example, I have a friend who likes Trump’s support for Israel. Another is religious and her issue is abortion. Some people (ie my wealthyish grandpa) are really scared of taxes going up.
       – people who think politics are all bs and it doesn’t really matter so why not, at least he is “different” and “not a career politician” (this view drives me insane but is surprisingly common in my relatively well-educated and well-off circles)
       – people who focus on the most “woke” issues on the democratic side and the most extreme views therein and then find them alienating so they go to the other side.
       No one I know is a massive fan of Trump in general but sadly they will probably all end up voting for him or maybe the libertarian.

       1. i hear you and would also encourage us to dig a little deeper on the idea of “single-issue voters” – for example, research shows that strongly antiabortion people are actually strong supporters of traditional gender roles, and THAT is the issue they are voting on – abortion is just the signifier.

          You can look up PerryUndem’s work for more info on that.

    6. Honestly? I really struggle. I currently do not feel like there is a place for me in the Republican party as it stands. I’m curious to see what happens when Trump (hopefully!) leaves office, and how the party moves forward. I would say that my “traditional” or classic or whatever-you-want-to-call-them conservative values are currently more aligned with third parties, e.g. libertarian, but I don’t think third parties are likely to make any strong impact in the near-term, especially since everyone on both sides constantly complains that a third party vote is a vote for [insert opposing candidate’s name]. I am voting for Biden purely as a protest vote against Trump, and because he seems to be fairly centrist. If it was Warren or Sanders, I likely would vote third party.

    7. I am a North East conservative, but that doesn’t mean I will vote for Trump. I’ve posted here before, I’m not voting for Joe Biden, I’m voting against Trump. I research the position of local candidates on issues important to me. Our Democratic Congressman supports S.386, and I have a serious problem with that. In the Senate race, the Republican candidate is simply more qualified than the Democrat.

       If you’d like to call North East conservatives racist, knock yourself out. I always figure people that call others racist are either just ignorant, lazy, or racist themselves. My hope is that conservatives take a leading role in the Democratic Party.

       1. I guess this didn’t occur to you: What about people of color? Maybe they’re people of color, rightly calling out their experience.

          1. Why would it matter? People of color are allowed to make sweeping stereotype statements about large groups of people because exactly why? People of color can also be ignorant, lazy, or racists themselves. Anyone can.

       2. I just truly do not understand what any of this has to do with the geographic area you live in.

    8. My elderly, “educated” conservative relatives support Trump because they genuinely believe that our society is a meritocracy, that they have earned everything they have, and that anyone who isn’t wealthy is lazy and undeserving. They even seem to think that this applies to their own children–because we aren’t as rich as they are, we just aren’t as motivated and hard-working as they were. They don’t want to pay taxes, view Social Security and Medicare as something they have paid for and not social programs that the younger generation is paying for, and are afraid that rioters will burn down their lovely homes and country clubs. In short, they are clueless privileged white people who drank the Kool-Aid on the prosperity gospel.

       1. This is my experience too.

       2. One of my good friend’s whole family is like this. They are in a very middle-class to upper-class, white area, and rarely interact with very poor people or people of color.

    9. Moderate Dem here from a Bush/Reagan family. What’s been interesting to me to see is the change wrought in the modern Republican party by, yes Trump, but also angry cable news. My well-to-do relatives have nothing to be angry about – they had long, successful white collar careers; they’re financially comfortable; their children are all grown and happy; and yet there’s this constant simmering anger about X, Y, and Z. (I suppose it exists on the left, too – I don’t associate with those people – I do my best not to associate with anyone filled with rage – I’m just trapped at family functions with the angry conservatives.) Conservative culture has changed from sort of a restrained, “stiff upper lip” thing that I remember from 20 years ago to the angry social picketers we see on tv. *And my family has changed along with them.* I’m sure my relatives would still consider themselves Bush Republicans, but they’ve – seemingly unwittingly – been swept along in the zeitgeist. While they think Trump is uncouth, they certainly support his policies and the Grand Outrage Party.

       1. “Conservative culture has changed from sort of a restrained, “stiff upper lip” thing that I remember from 20 years ago to the angry social picketers we see on tv.” – this is definitely something I’ve noticed too. Not to be inflammatory, but it’s almost like some of the dignity and sincerity of conviction has been lost in favor of the mob mentality.

          1. Somewhat relatedly, Nate Silver has a good article on how the nationalization of politics has shaped people to look more like their parties and stamped out a lot of the diversity in opinion that used to characterize each “big tent.”

       2. This comment is spot-on for my family as well. My parents own copies of Peggy Noonan’s books, would religiously read George Will columns, etc., but now I’m sure they consider those and similar “old guard” Republicans to be RINOs. The “simmering anger” even with nothing to be angry about especially describes my father.

    10. So I’m not in the northeast but I identify as a conservative. (Not a Republican any more. I got off at the train station but the crazy train went right in going down the tracks.). I am hoping that when trump looses, the republicans wake up from whatever rave induced drugs they have been on the last 4 years and we can pretend it never happened. (Not likely I know but I can dream.)

        1. Out of curiosity, what are your main policy priorities?

           1. Policy wise I like more local control. We need a safety net. I think the pandemic has shown how vulnerable a lot of people are. However I don’t think “raising taxes” and sending money to DC is the solution. I have very little confidence DC politicians will fix things. At least my inept state government is mine and I think they know more about the issues facing my state. On paper it is easier to petition them for change. Obviously there are draw backs to this approach too since nothing is perfect. Not sure if that counts as a policy.

           2. I agree in large part with the poster here. I’ve never been a Republican in name but I’ve always been an independent voter and as a fiscal conservative but also social liberal would probably vote for a traditional Republican as often as I voted for a traditional democrat. For instance, I thought both Arnold and Jerry were great governors here in CA.

              However, the Republican Party left me. It’s not just the crazy corruption and back room dealing, but the fact that the deficit increased under republicans and decreased under democrats incenses me.

              1. My parents are Norcal Deadhead hippies who make their own soap and smoke pot and they voted for Arnold the second time around.

              2. I’m with your parents! (Also NorCal, I don’t quite make my own soap yet). California is not the disaster Trump would have you believe! We are doing quite well, and almost always have, compared to other states.

    11. You’re the problem, not OP.

    12. My husband was somethong of a Northeast Republican(except not from the Northeast) when we met over a decade ago. He’s still fairly conservative on a lot of things (economic issues mainly, was never very conservativeon social issues), but he is now a registered Democrat, basically in protest of the current path of the Republican party. Trump was the last straw. He is so angry at the Republican party that I don’t think he will ever vote for them again for national level office (local offices, sometimes). He’s not the only former young Republican like that I know. They’re very much of the “i didn’t leave the party, the party left me” mindset.

        1. Similar here. My husband still considers himself moderately conservative (supports limited government and individual freedoms) but feels like the Republican party has left him, and voted for Biden this week.

           My family is full of die-hard conservative Republicans, wearing MAGA hats and going to Trump rallies. Like someone posted above, they believe America is a meritocracy. They’re lower to middle class, raising families on $30K in the rural Midwest, and feel like they’ve worked hard to earn everything they have and other people (aka liberal elites and inner city welfare recipients) are just too lazy to work hard or don’t understand living off the land. To them, having conservative judges is one of the main goals of voting Republican so they can be protected from laws that will take away their individual freedoms like owning a gun, threaten traditional gender roles that make their way of life possible, and not use their hard-earned money to let others have for free what they didn’t get (aka no free college or universal healthcare).

           1. If they raised families on $30K, didn’t they take advantage of Pell grants?

              1. They didn’t go to college for the most part. I did (back in the late 90s), and yes I got Pell grants but not nearly enough to pay for all of my in-state public college – I worked throughout high school and college, got scholarships and grants, did WorkStudy, and STILL paid off loans for years after I graduated.

                 If you ask my family, the merit-based scholarships and grants were fine, and the workstudy was fine, but they begrudge me the grants I got for financial need. “The hard working salt of the earth people of this state paid for your education, you better not forget what it means to keep your head down, listen to your elders, and take pride in your work.”

                 (And I should have searched – the median salary in my hometown is $41K. Sorry for underestimating my guess.)

              2. Because not everyone goes to college or wants to?

    13. Fascinating long read on exactly this topic. Fascinating. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/11/02/the-republican-identity-crisis-after-trump

        1. Thanks for sharing. That is a facinating read.

15. My fiance and I have exactly 3 weeks remaining of our 8-week premarital counseling course and about 6 weeks left before we’ll be husband and wife (not trying to discuss the actual wedding on here again, but know that we now have just 7 guests). What are the essential topics you wished you’ve discussed before marriage? Our counselor has been excellent, but I wan’t to make sure we’re not forgetting anything big :)

    1. Although it’s helpful to start out on the same page about finances, kids, and major life goals, you can’t avoid all conflict by prenegotiating everything. The most important foundation for a successful marriage is to establish an understanding that you are both on the same team and that your partnership comes above all else, including your families of origin. That understanding will enable you to work through the conflicts that will inevitably arise as you and your relationship grow and evolve over the years.

       1. I’m not married but I would want a game plan if we cannot come to a solution on our own. Essentially, I want to be with someone fully open to couples therapy right off the bat. A lot of my ex boyfriends were not open to it. Major red flag for me. Also, be really specific about the way you see your future. I thought that when my exes and I both valued family we would be fine. I realized that we need to both value family in the same way. If one wants to see family once a month and the other wants to do Sunday family dinner every week, that could be an issue. Also, discuss issues like potentially living with parents or financially supporting parents.

          1. Good point. Luckily, premarital counseling has been a very positive experience that has made him open to the possibility of couples or individual counseling, if needed down the road. This was his first counseling experience, so I was nervous.

       2. Thanks for sharing. My parents are divorced and his parents have their own issues, so I’ve almost wanted to divorce and fight-proof our marriage on the front end. But you’re right, I’m sure, that there is no way to pre-negotiate every conceivable issue. Thanks for the reality check!

          1. If your parents divorced when you were a child, consider reading The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. My parents divorced when I was in elementary school and while it was not a dramatic or messy divorce in the scheme of things, it turned out it did affect the way I approached marriage vs my husband, whose parents were still together, and the book helped me see that. I also generally recommend the book Love Between Equals to prompt conversations about housework, etc.

             I agree you can’t fight-proof your marriage – you can learn to fight “better” and resolve conflicts that will inevitably arise. And remember that people change their minds, even on big things like kids, and having open lines of communication as you go rather than thinking “we decided on 2 kids in premarital counseling, so we’re set!”

             1. Thank you so much. I had never heard of it until your comment, but I just found The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce online and ordered a copy! My parents actually divorced when I was an adult, but they had very serious issues since I was a baby. I think this will be a beneficial read for me.

          2. One habit that I find helpful in this regard: check in with each other. Spouse, are you still happy with the way we handle x? Do you think I do enough around the house? We check in with each other a few times a year. This opens the floor to discuss issues, so resentment hopefully doesn’t breed. It acknowledges that even a system agreed upon today can leave you unhappy some time down the road.
             And in a broader sense (something I did not learn from my parents) – vocalize your feelings often. I just need to vent/I’m worried about…/I need you to tell me that I’m cute/telling each other that you love them/are proud of them/whatever. When both people make this a habit and take each other’s feelings seriously, that’s worth a lot.

       3. I agree with this so much.

          I’m the poster from a few months ago whose husband had the light bulb moment of “you’re my wife and not my girlfriend.” Marriage is nearly impossible when you don’t put your new family first (and even if it’s you two and the dust bunnies because you cannot have or do not want children, you’re forming a new family). People will treat you like you’re playing house. They will try to run your lives for you. They will stick their noses and opinions into your marriage. Understand that is your problem and not theirs.

          If either of you have divorced parents or parents in a miserable, high-conflict marriage, you will need to work through those issues. Fighting fair is hard to learn, because you find yourself mimicking your parents. However, there’s a reason your parents divorced and it’s partly because of how they fought. On some level, having divorced parents, especially if they do not have successful second marriages, makes it very, very hard to believe that marriage is permanent.

          If your parents are divorced and not happily remarried, will also get a lot of objectively terrible advice and opinions about marriage from your parents, and it takes a lot of fortitude to reject those. As an example, my family of origin (more divorces than Hollywood actors) had very strident and very wrong opinions about how we should have done our wedding (e.g., they wanted to completely, 100% cut my husband out of the wedding planning process). The sincerity of their beliefs is not the same thing as the correctness of their beliefs.

          1. “Understand that is your problem and not theirs.”

             Ugh other way around: this is their problem, not yours!

          2. So how are things going for youm Anon at 11:45? Has the light bulb moment stuck?

             1. Yes, how are you? I’m so grateful to have found my husband after a relationship that was a terrible partnership. I’m wishing the best for you.

    2. Sounds petty but it’s not, chores and cleanliness. What chores should be done, how often, and by whom. Who is a slob/clean freak and how far are they willing to move to the middle, not only in attitude but in chores performed. The same dynamics and issues can apply to finances, and I think finances get a lot of premarital attention and chores are dismissed as a petty concern. Unbalanced chores lead to resentment. Severely unbalanced chores lead to relationship destroying seething resentment.

       1. This is good, thanks! He is MUCH neater and cleaner than me. I am working really hard on this issue (WFH has helped). I’ll make sure we sit down to assign chores.

    3. Unless you’re planning to pull the plug before getting married, there’s nothing specific you must discuss before your wedding date. I’ve always interpreted that to mean “things to discuss before you agree to get married.” And even then, perspectives change. Figure out how to communicate well with each other, always check in and know how you’re both feeling. Grow together.

       1. This complements the Anon at 10:25’s comment. Thank you! I needed the reminder that marriage is a growing, evolving entity that I can’t “set in stone” on the front end.

    4. Are you planning on having kids? If so, might be worth very briefly thinking through your possible parenting styles- a good way to start thinking about that is, what did I like about how I was raised and what would I change? What would I do the same and what would I do differently? My brother in law did not have that discussion with his wife, and they are CONSTANTLY at odds over how their daughter should be raised, on big issues, like vaccines, level of socialization, discipline, etc.

       1. We know that we want kids and we KNOW that said children will be vaccinated haha :)

          We’ve already realized and joke frequently that I will be the stricter parent. There is more we need to discuss. Thank you for these suggestions!

    5. Chores -who does what and when, how to make sure it happens so no one nags or feels nagged or lives in messiness that’s too much for them

       Parenting- is this a yes or a no, how sure are you both? If it’s a yes, talking about a pregnancy plan and handling of post-baby time, who works, how money is handled when there is less income, family involvement, etc.

       Living- plans for moving or staying put indefinitely

       Families- how involved do you want them, how much personal info do you share with them, how might this change as parents age and may need more help, etc.

       Money- all of the topics that there are books about

       Social media- what you share versus what is private

       Complaints- who are you okay with people sharing marriage problems? For example, if he shares every gripe with his mom, she may come to dislike you for it or she may be the best person to calm him down and point out that he’s being ridiculous, depends on the mom. Is there a friend who is chatty and would share problems with the world? Etc.

       Annoyances- anything that minorly bugs you now, either decide to get over it or decide to discuss, but don’t bring those into the marriage if no one knows the other is annoyed. Either fix it or intentionally let it go.

       Congrats on the upcoming marriage! I know the wedding part wasn’t what you planned (or what you replanned or what you rereplanned) but I hope it becomes the story you tell about how a frustrating wedding planning resulted in an unfrustrating marriage!

       1. Thanks so much, first of all, for the kind note! I really appreciate it :) These are all great suggestions. I am the talker and he is in the introvert, so I need to especially be sure I narrow down which friends/relatives he is comfortable with me sharing marriage details and issues with.

    6. +1 to this. I’ve been married 17 years now, and we married young. Marriage is not static, and we aren’t the exact same people we were on our wedding day. What keeps is moving in the right direction is a shared set of values, the most important one being that we are a team and will act accordingly. Having conversations about hot-button issues is great, and necessary, but I don’t like the idea that one can completely divorce-proof their marriage in this way. It helps, of course, but I guess I know too many couples who had the conversations, thought they were good to go, and have still run into major issues down the road.

       1. Thank you! I am going to lean into this idea that marriage is not static and try to embrace the fact that I cannot predict everything.

    7. Learn how to disagree with each other. Try to recognize when you’re having an argument that is derailing into something bigger than the original subject and learn to shut it down and come back to it later. If you discuss this ahead of time then it’s easier to deescalate when the time comes.

    8. One thing I encourage people to think about is what happens if life doesn’t go as planned and how you will approach those adjustments. Pre-marital counseling also tends to assume things will go well (you can have kids! you have money to save and spend! etc.). I think the hardest parts of life, and marriage, are when the things you agreed on no longer work.

       You should talk about caretaking – what happens if you get really sick? What support would you want from your spouse? How would you manage responsibilities / money / caretaking? What happens if one of your parents gets really sick – what will you both do to help, will you need to move to be closer to them, how would your partner support you?

       If you want to have kids, I’d also talk about infertility, and how you would handle it, and how you feel about some of the different paths. I’ve seen this throw a huge wrench in many relationships where one partner assumed they’d adopt and the other partner assumed they’d use a donor, etc.

       In support groups for others with my illness there are so many divorces. I know this sounds awful, but if you are young and Bad Things happen a lot of spouses just….bail. I’ve seen it happen to so many people. This is certainly not how they describe it but ultimately, when you are young, I think many people want to just start over fresh with a partner who does not have the issues arising from the Bad Thing. I think that talking openly and in some detail about what happens when life doesn’t work out the way you thought is really, really important.

    9. Call a financial planner and get a todo list for things like life insurance, disability insurance, banking, investments, etc. Discuss how you’ll prioritize things like long term care insurance.

    10. I think its very hard to imagine on the front end how much of a marriage is made or broken by the day-to-day mundane business of life. If you have any low-grade cooking, cleaning, home maintenance tension I’d focus on getting the tools to work through that. If you’re lucky marriage is long and you have to have a good way to figure out who is doing what/when in a way that feels good to both people.

    11. OMG how can you be having a wedding with guests at all you are so selfish and literally killing Grandma.
        KIDDING. Completely kidding. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, I’m sure it will be lovely :).
        And to answer your question above, as another poster mentioned, unless you’re still deciding whether to go through with the wedding there is absolutely nothing you need to discuss before your wedding date. There is much, much to continue discussing as you continue your relationship and marriage together, and many wonderful suggestions and topics from other posters.

16. I am late 30s, single, no kids. Living in Florida but working remotely indefinitely. I am considering moving to NYC due to having lived there in the past and missing it along with better government and the dropping of rental prices. I am thinking it might be a time for a 2 year lease somewhere I will never otherwise afford, like midtown west or slightly north closer to the park. I keep seeing how there are great deals and the deals improve if you sign for 2 years. I’d be looking for a 1 bdrm and am kind of thinking something like 40th-60ish, between Broadway and 9th.

    I know many here live in NYC so I’d love insights into this idea.

    1. We’d love to have you. I don’t know that part of town well. What is your budget?

       1. Aww thanks! I am trying to stay as low as possible though also recognizing that NYC low is still higher than most other places. I am not super particular about a lot and would buy furniture to fit the space so it’s more about clean, proximity to subway for the day when that’s finally safe again and to pizza and bodega, being able to at least fit a full sized bed, and not where I listen to loud neighbors or smell their smoke.

          1. I’m in Murray Hill/Midtown East and we don’t have the stuff the other folks are describing. And yes, landlords are offering deals, but I don’t know a lot of specifics (I’ve been helping an elderly friend apartment hunt recently but I suspect her situation would be quite different from yours.)

    2. I live in that approximate area. Only signed a 12 month lease, didn’t see a much better incentive for 24 month, but if you can get 2-3 months “free” for both 12 month periods, that would be a good deal.
       That being said, I wouldn’t move here unless you had to. The city is pretty dead. You won’t be coming back to the city you miss from having lived here in the past. Also, while our government is doing a good job with coronavirus, it’s a totally dysfunctional government otherwise.

       1. Can you maybe clarify what it is that you miss about NY, and maybe people could provide more clarity about if those things are still available/happening, that would help with your decision?

          1. Most of my friends live in NYC, I am cooped up working from home anyway but living in a place where there are no mandates so it’s unlikely that this will ever let up, so I have been in lockdown for almost 8 months already anyway. I think I miss pizza and being at least near friends and I miss independence (locked down with family) and I am thinking that NYC will reopen in many ways far before it will be safe in South Florida. I was considering waiting until Spring but am thinking the prices may be better for a late December move so it might make more financial sense to move then?

       2. +1 I’m in the area OP is describing and yes there are good deals to be had but I would not recommend moving here. This area in particular has multiple hotels serving as homeless shelters and the neighborhood really doesn’t feel great/safe to be in anymore. In the past few months, I’ve seen (1) multiple men umm Toobining (for lack of a better word), (2) people engaging in s*x acts, (3) hard drug use (think heroin or cocaine, not smoking weed although that’s increased too), (4) two women have handbacks snatched, all in broad daylight. Currently things are ok-is with outdoor dining as the weather is nice but plenty of restaurants are still closed, bars/clubs aren’t open, Broadway is closed at least through May, things like comedy clubs and small concert venues are closed, some retail is open but it doesn’t really feel the same. Most offices remain closed or only open in small capacity so midtown in particular feels like a deadzone compared to the normal hustle and bustle of the city. The park remains lovely but I’ve lived in the city for 10+ years and have had more incidents of being shouted at/harassed in the park in the past 6 months than I have in the rest of my time here combined. My friends and I keep joking that the “new New York” is really a return to the “old New York” of the 80s and it’s not a compliment

          1. do you think this is everywhere or specific to certain areas that should be avoided?

             1. There’s definitely an increase in petty crime and homelessness across the city. It is concentrated more in certain neighborhoods. Midtown West and the Upper West Side have been disproportionately impacted (if you do a search, you’ll find lots of articles about angry parents who are rightfully mad that there are/may be registered s*x offenders housed at hotels next to schools, for example). As far as things being closed, that’s also city wide. The city does not really have the same offerings it used to. What is it that you liked about New York? We could probably give you more specific answers on whether things are the same/different on specific things.

    3. What you miss about NYC, might not be here right now. No Broadway shows, dinners out at crowded restaurants obviously. Do you already have friends here? Trying to make friends right now can be really really difficult. Also, I suggest you ride out the winter in Florida and move up to NYC in March. This winter is going to be very rough for a lot of people up here.

       1. Agreed, just wondering if a move in late December will get me better rent pricing than waiting to move til March.

          1. After reading the other comments and knowing you have friends here, I don’t think it’s a bad idea depending on the neighborhood. Shameless plug for my neighborhood which is actually not NYC, but Hoboken/Jersey City. There have been some issues, but overall I feel safe and I wouldn’t do things like go running at night anyway. I also have a car. keeping my car here is much easier than Manhattan and driving into the city to see friends is so easy now.

             1. +1 (and hi neighbor!) Hoboken and Jersey City have both closed down streets and created parklets for outdoor dining, and pretty much everything is open in some form. Plenty of people around, I haven’t noticed any uptick in issues and I still feel comfortable walking around at night (and the areas I would avoid now are the same ones I’d avoid pre-COVID). You can also get way more bang for your buck here – and I’ve been seeing deals pop up, especially for one bedrooms. I’ve heard similar things about the nicer residential neighborhoods in the outer boroughs – e.g. a friend that lives in Forest Hills was saying there’s lots going on there as well, they’ve also shut down a section of streets for outdoor dining. If you want to do Manhattan, I’ve heard the Village is still good (in relative terms) – and I’d personally WAY rather live there than midtown west, COVID or no. I think the key is picking somewhere that’s more residential than commercial – with everyone WFH, those neighborhoods are still pretty poppin’, but places like midtown are empty, which leads to issues.

          2. Do you really want to WFH in a tiny NYC apartment? Everything good about NYC is outside of your apartment, unless you are fabulously wealthy. I can’t imagine being trapped in such a tiny space all day, every day.

             1. I’m a New Yorker so I’m biased but I can’t imagine being anywhere else. I may be cooped up while I’m working, but frankly, before this, I was cooped up in an office. After work and on weekends I go to parks, have been considering hopping on a ferry to get some air, take long walks around a city that even hurting is still 1,000 times more lively than most suburbs, have outdoor dining and takeout that’s still 1,000 times better than most suburbs, etc. it’s a very personal choice, but just because Broadway isn’t open doesn’t mean no one wants to be here.

             2. +1 to NYC @ 12:15

             3. to 12:15

                it isn’t NYC or suburbs. there are other cities in the county where you can live in a lively city with tons going on, incredible dining and takeout in every conceivable cuisine and also get more 600 sq. ft. and private outdoor space and have it cost less than 3k

    4. As an NYC resident, I’m NOT one of those people saying “ahhh, the city is over/it’s so dangerous/anarchist city!” at ALL, but I would not pick those neighborhoods right now. Hard pass. Especially midtown west anywhere near Penn Station/Port Authority. I live in NYC and parts of the city are thriving and normal (at least as normal as you get), but midtown ain’t it. The neighborhoods that were largely office jobs and tourists are emptied out and potentially unpleasant – and if not unpleasant, they’re just missing the energy of Before Times. Retail is closing and in that part of town, the streets are narrow enough/busy enough that outdoor dining isn’t pleasant. Pick a neighborhood that is more residential, like maybe Gramercy, the Village or Union Sq, or consider Brooklyn! I’m in North Brooklyn and the city is largely its happy bustling self here – tons of restaurants, people in parks, open retail. With everyone happily in masks.

    5. Welcome back, but I agree with others that that area isn’t the best right now — many residents left and . Look a bit further north, more in the west 60s-90s. The city is absolutely not dead — the winter will be rough since anything indoors will be unsafe, but we’re very much still alive over here.

17. Let’s play a game!

    What’s your win of the week? Big or small, share ’em all!

    Mine? Last night I slept from midnight til 8am pretty much straight through, without medicine to help. (Considering I have been sleeping at maybe 5am and tossing and turning, this feels like a big deal to me.)

    1. I’m jealous, sleeping has been tough for us these past couple weeks.

       My win is that I started a new job this week, and already got some good feedback on my early work on one of the projects they started me on.

    2. I got up on time for a 7 am start conference 2/3 days. Also, I managed to take a good walk every day. After a month of incredibly strong antibiotics through a central line and therefore a destroyed sleep schedule and endurance, these are both wins for me.

    3. I am a SME and was presenting at a Zoom meeting with a client’s CEO, CFO and GC. After I presented and addressed questions, the CFO asked the GC, who usually thinks he knows everything, for his input. He answered that client would be foolish to listen to him instead of me. Accurate, but often GC is threatened and seems to feel he needs to add value, so this was a win.

    4. I had the best yoga session yesterday. (So much boat pose, but man I feel good this morning!)

    5. I’d been putting off cancelling cable and returning the DVR to the cable company, but I did it today!

    6. I found out that the GC of our multinational held a leadership meeting to discuss my development opportunities within our law department and that someone will be reaching out to me soon to discuss. This is great news because I was edged out by a very qualified colleague for an internal promotion, and then they changed the requirements for the position she was vacating and I became too expensive and overqualified. I was getting very frustrated for a number of reasons, so this news (in addition to being able to offload some of #notmywork, has given me a renewed sense of excitement about my career and the new projects I will be working on in FY21, some of which I know already and are things I love.

       (I also rescued two stray kittens last night and they are adorable, and returned two loose dogs in my neighborhood to their house this morning!)

    7. This week has been kind of disastrous and anxiety provoking on the career front, so I will focus on a small thing. My sourdough starter, which has been going strong and in use for bread every day or two since April, suddenly died earlier this week. No bubbles, no activity, nothing. On top of everything else, it was honestly a bit devastating.

       So I tried starter CPR – I subdivided her into several jars, I fed each jar way more often, I created an 80-90 degree environment for them, and one of them slowly came back to life. Yesterday I got kind of a flattish, but tasty, loaf from her. This morning, finally a beautiful full size load. So she’s back from the dead! My kids are calling it zombie bread.

       This is so weirdly specific I will surprised if even one person understands my post!!

       1. I love this!! Well done.

       2. Zombie bread for Halloween!

    8. My insurance will be covering my upcoming IVF treatments 100%!

       1. WOW THIS IS BIG!

          1. I know! It took WAY too many calls with my doctor’s office and insurer to confirm, but I am SO EXCITED! Definitely won the insurance lottery.

       2. WHAT??? wow! Congratulations!!

    9. This is very small, but: I ordered my husband a three-month subscription to Goldbelly.com (on the recommendation of somebody here — thanks!) for his birthday, and the first box came this week. It turned out we had an online program with our local theatre last night, so I invited another couple over and we set up at separate tables and computers in our back yard, and we ate our flown-in-from-Philadelphia Philly cheese steaks and watched the program and had a grand old time and it turned into an impromptu early birthday party for him and he was happy and I was happy! (Pandemic tip for birthday cake: I put a candle on each separate piece of cake, we sang “Happy Birthday” VERY QUIETLY, and then everybody blew out their own candle while facing away from the table.)

    10. I deadlifted my body weight today (and did not max out), and I am on track for a bigger December 1 goal.

        1. That’s awesome! Congratulations.

    11. I just got a (paid) internship aimed at increasing diversity, inclusion and equality approved and posted! Pan European organisation, internal discussion of BLM with no action (before now:)

    12. We hit a major project milestone we would have said was impossible a year ago :)

18. Help please? I am a regular here, here since the beginning of the site actually, but am anon. since I am including an email address.

    I am working on a project and I need to interview someone (5 questions, can be in writing or via phone, up to you) at the top of the legal industry, so either a partner at a major firm or the founder of a large firm or someone big with a firm that has known clients they can share are clients, etc. I had someone and they had a family emergency and had to cancel. Now I’m on a very tight deadline.

    If you can help,please email me IAmAnEpicWarrior at the mail of g.
    Thank you Thank you!

    1. I think you might have more luck if you explain what kind of project this is (journalism? school?) and how the interview information would be used.

       1. Great point, thanks! It is a book project already under major publisher contract. I can’t say more in a public space without violating the contract but would be happy to share via email!

19. Any suggestions for what to wear to an outdoor wedding where the temperatures could be in the 30s?

    1. I would be putting comfort first, and that would likely mean not dressing as fashionably, nor formally, as I would for a typical wedding.

    2. Photos will look weird regardless as everyone will be masked, so at this point, I’d go with function over fashion and wear shoes you can walk in on different ground types, plan for tights or fleece lined tights and plan the rest of the outfit around that. Assume you’ll want a long coat (warmer and something warm to sit on as chairs will be cold) and you’ll want gloves and possibly a hat or scarf. Essentially, no one will be able to tell who anyone is between the mask and gloves and longer coats and covered legs, so wear what keeps you warm; the rest won’t matter!

    3. A gorgeous long wool coat with tights, knee-high boots, leather gloves, a cashmere scarf, and warm clothing layered underneath.

    4. A mask.

       1. Plus face shield. Only halfway kidding. see also: Rose Garden superspreader event.

    5. I’d wear a high/low floaty midi floral dress (or a floaty skirt and long sleeve top), tights under the skirt, tall suede boots, a leather jacket, a pashmina as a scarf, and fancy sparkly earrings.

    6. I’d wear fancy trousers and a sparkly shirt under my parka. But then I hate cold.

       1. OOoh this and you could easily wear long underwear under the trousers.

    7. Bring some pocket warmers!

       Upside of a mask in cold weather is that they help keep you warm!

    8. I did this last week. I wore fleece tights, dress slacks, layered socks under oversized boots, a silk thermal, a cotton layering long-sleeved tee shirt, a thick turtleneck wool sweat, a peacoat, and an infinity scarf.

    9. Your pajamas, on your couch, because this sounds ridiculous.

       1. +1

       2. Not everybody is a grinch. Lighten up.

    10. Plain black dress, tights, boots. Amazing colorful wool coat. Cute hat that sparkles.

    11. If you decide to go, I suggest looking at some of the sort of awesome crushed? Micro pleated? velvet wideleg pants and jackets out there (I recall seeing them at some mall store sites like AT, BR; Eloquii for plus and cusp). Maybe pair with a luxe looking turtleneck.

        Basically, channel a warm but elegant 70s era velvet leisure suit haha

20. Leather jacket question…

    I bought a MK black leather moto jacket ages ago and I adore it (it’s probably the most expensive thing I own but I got it on great sale, it feels so soft, and it fits me well). However, much of the traveling I do (precovid) day to day involves me carrying either a backpack style bag or a cross body bag. I’ve stopped wearing the jacket due to picturing the bag rubbing the leather raw or something but now I’m wondering if I’m being silly. Is this the sort of thing I can only wear when I’m not carrying anything that might rub or is leather more durable than I’m giving it credit for?

    1. It depends on the kind of leather. Think of handbags, and how various leathers hold up and wear. The same is true with leather jackets.

    2. LJ question automatically associated in my brain with Rainbow Hair. RH, I don’t think I’ve seen you in awhile, but if you are still cruising around here, I hope you are doing well.

       1. Same! <3

21. late 30s, white, very pale and olive tone-

    I have never done anything for skin care other than to avoid the sun big time (I am an indoor person and I burn easily so I stay in). I rarely wear makeup and if I do, it’s a few minutes of eye liner, swipe of translucent color, mascara, translucent powder, and a colored lip gloss. If I am going to be on camera, I sponge on some foundation underneath and then do the same routine with just less or more of things as needed. I sort of pride myself in my ability to get ready quickly because I like being low maintenance as well as being a minimalist (it’s not a judgment on others, just something I value about myself).

    I have noticed that my skin is either all over dry or dry with oily t-zone. I think I may have a bit of rosacea on my cheeks. What’s the best way to deal with this with as little cost and effort as possible? (I know myself and I know I won’t spend a million or get regular spa treatments or remember every single day for something.) Am also hoping it’s not something that will make my pillowcases gross or stained.

    1. What’s your regular skin care routine?

       I think I first read it here 5+ years ago, but I’m high maintenance so that I can be low maintenance. In that- by getting regular good haircuts and color, having regular facials and a high quality skincare routine, and by taking any other required actions (manicures in the before times, eyebrow waxes, etc) then I’m super confident that I can roll out the door and be minimalist in the ‘getting ready’ process.
       For my own rosacea, I dont eat dairy, I use a vitamin C before my SPF in the morning routine, and I use a couple tried-and true products (recommended by my dermatologist) in my evening routine. I’ve had great experiences with the Acure calming line ($20ish at target and whole foods)

       1. Routine? I don’t have one. Oh, when I shower, I use a wet washcloth on my face and then run fingers over my skin to remove any dead skin. I do that on my arms, neck, shoulders, chest as well. About once every month or two I think of it and I put some discount lotion from a little pot on my face, but it’s stuff from a discount store that feels like a mix between lotion and vaseline. That’s the most routine I’ve ever had.

          1. Ok great! Start with putting something on your face when you brush your teeth in the morning- it’s an easy small thing to do if you’re already in the bathroom, morning and night. Try the Acure Seriously Soothing SPF day cream in the morning and the Radically Rejuvenating night cream at night – it sinks in quickly and wont stain your pillowcases. That’s a $38-40 total spend for two products – I’d frame it as an investment for health, not just for beauty/vanity – you’re preventing skin cancer and taking care of your skin.

    2. Curology and sunscreen. Every day, rain or shine. Yes, even if you swear you’re not going outside that day.

       Just send your pics to curology and list your concerns. Buy the kit with the cleanser and the moisturizer. That plus sunscreen is all you really need.

       Once you’re acclimated you might add an antioxidant like vitamin c, and an occasional chemical exfoliant. But don’t do these things until you address the rosacea and other current concerns.

    3. If you suspect rosacea, go to a dermatologist. It’s good to get an annual skin check, anyway!

       1. Absolutely this. Rosacea does not get better with time or neglect.

          1. But does it get better with dermatology? I’ve tried 100% of what my dermatologist has to offer and seen no benefit whatsoever.

             1. I posted above about curology. I’ve done 100% better with curology than my derm. She found a stage zero melanoma on my husband so I would give my life for her, but she’s utterly unconcerned with cosmetic issues.

22. I have an adult sibling who has had difficulty in life with certain things (keeping a job, getting into school, motivation, planning, etc.) who I suspect might have ADHD and/or anxiety with some symptoms affecting his ability to manage time, multitask, plan,(executive functions?), etc. What can I do to get him the help he needs? I’m going to search for the threads that I’ve occasionally seen in the past regarding ADHD. He has difficulty planning things and executing on them, so I don’t trust him to handle the doctors on his own. How do you get a diagnosis and how do you get treatment? Are there any resources that you guys can direct me to regarding adult ADHD? Maybe something that can help my sibling realize that everything that has not gone well in his life is not his fault and may have been made worse by ADHD/Anxiety, etc.

    1. He’s your brother, not your minor child. I don’t think trying to storm in and fix everything will go over well. My sister is a total mental health disaster. I just set boundaries to avoid letting her mess up my life, which currently means ignoring her completely. When she decides to straighten herself out, or her husband decides to man up and insist on it, then we’ll see.

       1. +1

          I have a sibling who’s a complete disaster and I do not engage.

          1. +1, cheer him on when he has successes, no matter how small, and listen to him. Otherwise… let it go.

          2. Same. The likelihood of your plan ending well is pretty much nil.

    2. I think it’s nice that you want to help your brother. I think the first step would be starting with a primary care physician. I would also suggest posting on the Ask A Manager weekend thread tomorrow. I’ve seen people post about ADHD there and you might get more responses there.

23. Tips on how to write an obituary would be appreciated. It’s for a well known person in my community, past leader of many groups, for an official publication.

    1. There are a zillion options in a g00gle search so I’m wondering what about those isn’t working for you. Maybe that’ll help us figure out what to focus on so we can best help you. (Also, I’m so sorry for your loss!)

    2. I’d just read a few existing ones and use them as a jumping off point.

    3. I’m sorry for your loss.
       The best obituaries, IMO, contain something maybe unexpected or not-widely-known about the person, and also some statements about their personality that show why they were loved. Dry listings of positions held, accomplishments and awards, etc. (ditto with lists of survivors) may be necessary but it is nice to see statements about “she loved dogs” or “he volunteered at a soup kitchen every Thanksgiving” or something a little “warmer,” for lack of a better word.
       I had a friend who died in a tragic freak accident a few years ago. She was a very accomplished person who had held many prestigious positions in her career and on boards, corporate and nonprofit. Her obituary was amazing because it talked about the stuff we all knew but also talked about some stuff that not everyone knew, like her hobbies, and about her relationship with her children. It was a really wonderful tribute to her as whole person who was deeply loved by many, and not just a “community figure.”

       1. I saw someone on Twitter the other day post an obituary from their local paper that said “There will be a small, outdoor memorial this weekend at (large local park). Masks will be required for entry and social distancing will be enforced, because Rose was a teacher who believed in science. She asked her family to request donations to local charities or candidates supporting racial justice, science, and women’s rights in lieu of flowers.#VoteBlue” Made me tear up.

          1. Love that.

    4. I was asked to write an obituary for my dear aunt several years ago. I thought it would be harder than it was, but she was such a wonderful person that the things I wanted to say just poured out. I went with it and made it more personal than other obituaries I had seen – for example, I briefly mentioned where she went to school, but then wrote a paragraph about her favorite simple pleasures and what it was like to be in a room with her. Several people emailed me saying that they loved it, which makes me think that going more personal is the way to go. Since the one you need to write is for a community member, maybe a nice middle ground of accomplishments and personal facts (even small things like “she was rarely seen without her beloved cocker spaniel”) would be the way to go.

    5. I actually wrote obits for a local paper as a job during high school. I always tried to start with a short anecdote that said something about who the person was, then move into the facts of their life. The most memorable one I did was for an amazing child who passes away from cancer. His favorite books were Dr. Suess so I did my best to write his as though it were a Dr. Suess short story.

    6. I wrote my mother’s obituary. There are several generic formats you can use. I used those as a starting point and then wrote what was in my heart.

       What I wrote about my mom is different than what you might write about a colleague. Focus on accomplishments, talent, being well-respected and dedicated, and then something personal about how he made everyone smile, loved a corny joke, was sentimental etc. Then close with how your thoughts are with his beloved family at this time and how your profession/club/whatever has lost one of its bright lights and that he will be forever missed but never forgotten.

24. For those of you that have done/conducted job interviews during the pandemic, what is expected re: dress code? I’ve been working this whole time but I have a formal job interview — is my standard light makeup and a top that is not clearly pajamas okay? Or do i have to wear a shirt + blazer?

    1. Is it in-person or via Zoom? Honestly, either way, I would err on the side of caution and wear a blazer at least and possibly a full suit. I don’t see any benefit to dressing down.

       1. +1

       2. sorry, via zoom! Wearing a full suit seems absurd. But that’s why i’m asking :)

    2. I’m in Biglaw, so YMMV, but shirt plus blazer for sure.

    3. Shirt + blazer– generally whatever you would wear if the interview was in person. More important– make sure your background looks professional. I.e., do not do the Zoom interview in front of your unmade bed.

       1. I’d do shirt plus blazer or nice cardigan depending on the role.

          Other things: Make sure your lighting doesn’t suck (interviewers can’t actually see you if you’re sitting in the dark…), try to limit possible interruptions as best you can (especially cats. For god’s sake, lock them in a bathroom if they’re going to be jumping up on the desk or some such BS!), and test the tech ahead of time!

          1. OP here. I’ve been doing zoom meetings since March. I have a home office and have been working from there. I have been on my zoom calls (both internal and clients) in no/light makeup and a shirt that is clearly a Day Shirt (long sleeve shirt, blouse-ish top etc).

             The interview I have coming up is a job interview, so I’m just trying to gauge if I need to dress up more or just continue my professional-enough attire and background. FWIW I’m 40 and mid/senior (VP/SVP) level in an industry that is generally casual/ casual side of biz casual.

    4. I have done interviews for a legal job, and all applicants wear suits.

    5. I would go better than “not PJs” for a job interview. Blouse and blazer, or if your industry is more casual, perhaps a structured dress or top that has interesting detail at the top (a la The Fold).

    6. I interviewed several candidates via Teams last month. It stood out when interviewees wore suits and had non-distracting or blurred backgrounds. I’d wear whatever youd wear to an interview pre-covid

    7. I’ve conducted more than a few, both in-person and over Zoom, and would say that most candidates are wearing (and would be expected to wear) pretty much what they would wear normally. FWIW, none of these were jobs that would generally expect a full suit, but the interviewees were dressed in higher-level business casual. If you’re interviewing for a suit-type roll, I would definitely recommend wearing one. (or at least the top part of one!)

    8. Unless they communicate otherwise, I would wear a blazer.

    9. I’ve conducted a lot of interviews and unless it is a super casual environment I would wear a blazer and blouse and some kind of jewelry. I’ve seen people not wear a jacket or blazer and it’s fine, but the people wearing a blazer put off a vibe of caring that it is a special occasion and you can picture them in the office a bit better.

    10. I conducted a bunch of job interviews for attorney positions at my work and every single person wore a nice shirt and a jacket. (One lady stood up to get something and so we saw she was also wearing the matching skirt.)

25. If anyone here has broken ties with their parents or another close family member, I would love to hear your stories and maybe for some support, if you have it. My husband grew up in an abusive home. He has worked really hard to set boundaries but in the last year, his depression has been very serious, his parents don’t respect the boundaries, and interactions with his parents have been increasingly triggering. He recently told them that he needs to cut off communication for a few months to focus on himself and getting to a better and stronger headspace. I am incredibly proud of him, he is pretty devastated. He has a great therapist and we recently started marriage counseling, which has been positive. Any advice on how best to support him?

    1. Do not question his decision, suggest that he accept any contact, or pressure him to put himself in a situation where he might encounter his parents (e.g., a family gathering). If he suggests resuming contact, encourage him to think very hard about it and discuss it with his therapist.

    2. There’s a lot of cultural pressure that blames sons/daughters like, you only get one mom or you should respect your elders … it’s kind of hard to explain. But I think you should be careful not to add to that & to support his decision.

       He might get pushback from his parents for having told them he needs his space. Personally, I never told my mom that I don’t want to have a relationship with her and just grew distant. She’s not interested in having people in her life that she can’t manipulate, so it’s easy to have lost touch. But we still technically have a polite/distant relationship as there was no major blow up. I just haven’t spoken to her in years because I realized I was doing all the work to even maintain that.

       So, I’m saying he should absolutely hold his boundaries (and maybe they’ll go away I guess). Remind him that he doesn’t have an obligation to have a relationship with them & his first obligation is to build a healthy life for himself. That doesn’t have to look a certain way right now, but taking the space for himself is deserved and he can take ALL the space he wants or needs. He matters. Parents should want the best for their kids. Sadly, some parents just don’t because of their own shortcomings. That shouldn’t stop him from having a great life.

    3. There are a bunch of great communities of people dealing with this sort of situation on reddit. RaisedByNarcissists is the first one to come to mind, but there are many and they are wonderful

    4. This site might be helpful to him: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/resources-for-children-of-abusers.html

       It’s a semi-academic review of abusive & estranged parents and the dynamics of those family relationships. I thought it was fascinating because of the insight into the parents’ perspectives, but discussed through a lens that fully recognizes their abusiveness and its effects on others.

    5. Thank you all, more than you can know

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