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Updated: Jan 28, 2019 353 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Helena Fit-and-Flare Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This wool dress from Goat is a really lovely choice if you've got a feminine style. I like the flared shape to it, the princess darts, and the gold glass buttons at the cuffs. It's fully lined and has a hidden back zipper. The dress is available in the pictured red as well as “regal blue” and “frost blue” in lucky sizes up to a UK size 16/U.S. size 12. It's £495/$695, and for U.S. delivery, duties and taxes are included. Helena Fit-and-Flare Dress Two more affordable options from another British brand, Boden, are their Trudy and Eden dresses, both currently on sale. A plus-size alternative from Lafayette 148 New York is available at Saks OFF 5th, also on sale. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.  

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    Kat, this is a beautiful dress! I love the Blue dress, so I will ask the manageing partner to allow me to get it rather then the red, which I already have enough dresses. There is some issue about paying duty for the dress, which I know is an issue, but it is so pretty that I will ask Frank to handle it b/c it is an accounting issue, and I do not want to have to figure it all out, especially b/c I am buying the dress for WORK!

    I am still looking for a place to go for Super Bowl Sunday. I do NOT want to go to a bar again, where a bunch of drunken 23 year olds stare at me and grab my tuchus. I am way to old and mature for that kind of thing, but I need to find QUALITY males who will stay sober and discuss world events with me, and NOT just look at me like a hungry caveman. FOOEY on that! If anyone in NYC knows of such a place, let me know.

    Myrna is going to participate in an Ironman event. It is also for women, so I do not know why she continues to refer to it as an Iron MAN contest. I wish we could just call it ironPERSON contest, or something gender neutral. I am already in the office billing b/c all cleints have to get our bills paid by the 15th, and for that, we MUST send out our January bills on Friday. At least I will have my Sunday free next Sunday! YAY!!

  2. Spendy clothes

    I always thought that accessories (shoes, bags) were the pricey parts of an outfit. Like I may wear $40 jeans, but they are with $200 boots and with a $200 bag.

    HAHAHA

    I went shopping in a spendy place this weekend (with a friend). And I guess I didn’t realize that you can buy a sweater with a comma in the price. So for many expensive brands, the clothes can be much more expensive than the shoes and bags (like even if you wear Ferragamo shoes, if you wear a Fendi sweater there is a comma in the price). My mind is so blown!

    [OTOH, it reinforced how clothes that fit you always look good, no matter the price. You can totally rock a look of mall brands bought on sale.]

      • Anonymous

        I think it’s more that accessories aren’t multiples of your outfit cost as you go up the food chain. Even if you just wear Manolos.

        I would expect Loro Piano to be expensive or Chanel / ODLR / Carolina Herrera (about all I know about). But their ready-to-wear accessories don’t escalate from there (and are often worn by women who don’t otherwise wear designer things). I guess unless you are partial to Nancy Gonzalez croc bags — out of my budget, but I think they can set you back 5 figures :) No idea if there are similarly pricey shoes.

      • Anonymous

        But even Brora doesn’t have a comma in the price.

        Honestly, I thought that truly expensive designer duds were fancy one-wear gowns. Not stuff like sweaters, which to me are never formal attire and really not something I could ever justify. Brora, maybe some day (more like when I can figure out sizing — I hate mail-order size roulette and can’t but locally). But novelty sweaters and the sort of dresses that have already been knocked off — that is for someone rich (or richer than me).

        • Anon

          Have you not seen the workwear pieces featured here that have commas in them? It blows my mind that this blew your mind.

        • Anon

          Brora is nice but not really on the same level. You could definitely find say a Burberry cashmere sweater over 1k.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve read designers make the most money from the large volume of accessories that they sell. They create the illusion of haute couture clothing that is too expensive for the masses that is subsidized by aspirational bags and shoes that are affordable.

  3. Anon

    Outsourcing suggestions?
    Hoping you clever ladies have some suggestions. My husband and I were both fortunate to have gotten significant raises recently. We’ve already taken care of the big financial stuff. We had a baby last year and due to some heath issues really have no interest in traveling with or without the baby and find ourselves going out a lot less. All this to say we find ourselves in the situation where we have plenty of cash for a combination of increased salaries and a decrease in our “fun” budget but we have shortage of time. What do you ladies outsource? What would you outsource if money was no object (we don’t have unlimited funds but we have more than we anticipated)? How did you go about outsourcing? Any tricks and tips for saving time? Basically we both work a lot and are willing to pay a premium to spend our limited time with each other and the baby instead of doing chores, errands, life planning, etc. We have a cleaning service already but are trying to see if we can outsource other stuff to free up more time for family.

    • Anon

      How much do you work? If more like 40 hours, I’d pay for grocery delivery but otherwise I’d throw all the extra money in the bank (won’t you want to travel and do other fun stuff when the baby is a bit older?). If 60+ hours, I’d also outsource cooking and probably hire a personal assistant to generally manage my life.

      • Owl Lover

        I don’t make a lot of money and I outsource grocery delivery. It has SAVED so much time and actually a bit of money. :)

    • bfdac

      Groceries, lawn service, snow removal. You can outsource laundry but I’m not sure how much of a time saver that is. I’d be ordering a lot more takeout (but I don’t enjoy cooking).

      • OP

        Generally working 60+ hours. We utilize seamless a lot but it’s hard to eat healthy there. Any suggestions on food outsourcing that doesn’t involve massive sodium would especially be appreciated. Cooking/meal prep/groceries is probably our biggest time suck at the moment.

        • Anononymous

          If you really care about sodium, you may need to hire a personal chef. There are some personal meal delivery services that offer reasonably healthy meals (at least in certain parts of the country) but sodium is always going to be pretty high in anything mass-produced or made to be stored in the fridge or freezer and re-heated.

          • Anonymous

            Rotisserie chicken from the grocery store or take-out place. Chicken is pretty healthy if you don’t eat the skin or drown it in sauce.

            And less expensive than a chef is just making yourself a steak — the salt is on the outside and is minimal. Calorie count isn’t bad, either.

            IMO it is hard to go wrong with eating things with 5 ingredients or fewer (and with many of those ingredients being a whole food item). And leftovers.

          • Anononymous

            Huh? Rotisserie chicken from the grocery store is healthy in many ways, but it’s DROWNING in sodium. They inject salt water into the chicken to make it plump and appealing. Literally anything you cook at home will have a fraction of the sodium of a grocery store rotisserie chicken. Sodium isn’t a huge concern for me (I have very low blood pressure) but that’s one food I actually avoid because of the sodium content.

          • Anonymous

            Fried chicken then. It’s only fried on the outside, so if you don’t eat the skin or breading, it isn’t bad.

          • Anon

            You’re really getting some bad input about chicken here. Commercially fried chicken, even with the skin removed, is still exceptionally salty.

          • Anonymous

            The inorganic phosphates are an additional concern if cardiovascular disease is the reason you care about sodium.

        • Anonymous

          Pay someone to do this. It’s often surprisingly affordable to have a private chef come in once a month and cook a bunch of meals to freeze. Also, grocery delivery.

          Depending on how much $$ you have, you could also look at having a housekeeper come one day a week to do light tidying, laundry and meal prep. A couple friends have successfully found college students to do this.

          • OP

            That actually sounds amazing and worth looking into. Do you know how your friends who do this went about finding this type of person? Our cleaning service is through a company so we don’t have to worry about taxes etc but I’d be willing to deal with that for someone who does more than just clean every other week.

          • anon

            In my area many people find college-aged babysitters and help with errands/light household duties by calling the School of Education at a local private college. They will post help wanted info on a bulletin board and then it sort of spreads by word of mouth – friends referring friends, etc.

          • Anonymous

            They just went through the job board at local colleges and community colleges. Most career services offices have a job board online for non-career type jobs.

            I’ve also found evening babysitters that way – specified that I wanted someone enrolled in a child care related program (e.g. education) with experience.

          • NOLA

            When my friends are looking for college students (pt nanny, etc.), I’ve put it out on Messenger for students I know and have found someone for them almost immediately. One grad student took her kids to the pool over the summer, plus she spoke French (an opera singer) and was able to help the kids practice their French. Another student picked her kids up at the bus, helped with homework, and fed them dinner a couple nights a week. Ask around if you have any friends who know private chefs. I happen to know one who goes to my church, so you never know where you might have a connection.

      • Anonymous

        If you say where you are, people may have suggestions for prepared meal delivery if you’d prefer that over someone you personally employ (though that sounds awesome). And if not, what I have found is that the paleo community tends to have prepared meal delivery in many cities. Try searching for that and you might find some other options. or you can do that and add things like bread, pasta, potatoes, and other items if you don’t want to follow the diet.

    • Anon

      If I were you, I would stick to the cleaning service and save your money. It doesn’t sound like you have a clear idea of what would be helpful at this point so you might just end up throwing money away because someone else recommended something that’s helpful for their circumstance. Give it some time and see if there’s something that you actually need.

      • OP

        Thanks. As additional background I didn’t grow up with money and it literally never occurred to me that you could pay someone to clean until I read about people singing praises here. It’s been amazing and the impact on our quality of life has far outweighed the cost. We are more than set on financial goals at the moment (we hardcore planned out finances pre baby and are actually spending 1k plus than our aggressive planning, have already accelerated our plans to buy a place). So truly looking for any suggestions people have that might have a similar (even if not as big) bump on our quality of life that the cleaning service did.

        • anon a mouse

          What if you looked for a housekeeper, who could do cleaning and laundry and cooking for you? Even someone who came just 2-3 days a week might make a big difference. If you combined that with grocery delivery you would probably see a huge QOL gain.

        • Annie

          Does the person who cleans your house do your laundry and change your sheets? If not, could you pay them extra to do that? I would love that help if it were in the budget.

          • Anon

            Even if they don’t do your clothing laundry (I’m too picky to let my cleaning people do this), they can certainly wash all of your towels (bath and kitchen), sheets, cleaning rags, etc., and then fold and put away (or put the sheets back on the bed). I often start my sheets and then towels in the morning before they come but that’s because I have a small place (2 bedroom apartment) so they don’t otherwise need to be here long enough to run several loads of laundry.

            Also, the more often they come, the more they will know where things go and will be able to tidy in addition to cleaning (though this depends heavily on personality and having the same people on repeat versus a different team each time). If your hesitation to level up this kind of service is the tax issue, look into Home Pay. I think it’s most often used for families with nannies but also for private housekeepers.

    • Anonanonanon

      I have a shipt account for grocery delivery. I chose Shipt because it’s associated with Target, so I can also get formula, baby food, diapers, pacifiers, etc. You can choose a delivery time as soon as 1 hour from when you place the order.
      I’ve found it most helpful to outsource only certain aspects of cleaning. My baby eats ANYTHING she finds on the floor, so I am vacuuming the main floor every day anyway. I realized that I keep my main floor really clean, so I scaled cleaning service back to just the bathrooms and the bedrooms, which are the areas I was neglecting. This does include changing sheets but we wash them. I don’t do it on a regular basis, just when I feel like things are getting out of control (which is really once every few months)
      I would really like to do a laundry service in theory, as there’s a few in my area that drop off and pickup, but I don’t actually trust them with most of our clothes. I suppose we could outsource sheets, towels, bathmats, etc. though.
      I have a Rent the Runway unlimited membership. Initially I had an Ann Taylor infinite style membership which was great for work basics while I was post partum and still returning to my normal size. Once I fit in to most of my old work wardrobe (and supplemented the stuff I couldn’t fit into anymore) I switched to RTR. It’s a great way to try fun new pieces for the weekend and occasionally work, and not to worry about drycleaning. And, I’m a millenial, so yes I do enjoy having new outfits “for the gram”.

      The thing about outsourcing is it still takes time. You have to have the house “ready” for the cleaners, you have to have the laundry gathered for pickup, you have to research these services to begin with, etc.

      Other than that, I opted to save my money to give us more of a “fun” budget. I like knowing that we can afford to spend $60 on a sitter to meet some friends and spend $70 at the winery. That $130 expenditure does much more for my soul than more cleaning help would.

      • OP

        Thanks! This is super insightful. How do you find RTR unlimited. I love the idea in theory but worry that I’d end up with a bunch of stuff that didn’t fit right and I couldn’t wear.

        • Anonanonanon

          Reading the reviews is key. People say how tall they are/how much they weigh/post photos and stuff, there’s a pretty dedicated reviewer base. They also say their usual size vs. the size they got and how it fit. I find taking the time to read through that stuff helps.

    • DLC

      We outsource cleaning and maintenance yard work and have a sitter come once a week so my husband and I can go out.
      I once nannied for a couple who had someone come in twice a week to go through their mail and pay the bills. I thought this was brilliant and indulgent- just the amount you would save in mental labor! This was back before you could set up auto-pay online.
      If I could afford additional help, I would hire someone to come in once a week to do laundry (including fold and put away) and grocery shop and prep ingredients for meals (chop veggies, marinate proteins, etc). I really enjoy cooking, but cuttin g out the prep would be helpful.

    • emma

      I know you said you have cleaning, but I’d personally go up to 1x a week or hire someone to come once a week to do & fold laundry/dishes/random less intense stuff (we currently do once a month and are JUST about to pull the trigger on every other week). Or just save it for a rainy day/convenience when I need it- for a while, we were making $20k/mo & only spending $5k/mo (pre gov gigs & kids), and saved a ton, which we have been so grateful to have on so many occasions (liquid cash gives you so much flexibility in life).

      • NOLA

        I swear, I got so desperate at one point, I thought about having a college student come live in my spare room in exchange for washing cat bowls. Having someone do dishes is major!

      • J

        +1 to weekly service. Such a different dynamic than when I was getting monthly or bimonthly service.

        My cleaning lady (1x / week) will do miscellaneous chores that “need to get done” and it’s been a lifesaver. I basically spend 5 minutes a week to coordinate any specific items that need seeing to (e.g., “please call the city gas service for regular safety checkup”), but otherwise it’s on autopilot (it helps that I’ve had the same cleaning lady for 4 years). I basically don’t do any chores. Admittedly I’m single, live in a studio apartment and eat at work most weekdays, so the level of work that needs to be done is usually not as high. She would also do basic meal prep (put on rice cooker, wash veggies, etc.) for a slightly higher rate if I asked, but since I barely know how to cook and rarely eat at home I don’t include it in the things I ask her to do.

        It’s easy enough as she’s here weekly, and she will do dry cleaning drop off / pick up (I usually specify which clothes, and which service to use – within 5 minutes walk radius), buying light bulbs when they go out and arranging electrician/gas/plumbing visits and being at the apartment when they come, sheets clothes and towels laundry and putting away, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen countertops, running the vacuum and mopping the hardwood floors, taking out trash and recycling, doing dishes, and generally tidying up the place. She will pick up any detergent or cleaning supplies as she sees fits, too, other than the hypoallergenic laundry detergent I order online in bulk.

        It really is the best $40/week I ever spent (not US, but otherwise HCOL city).

    • anon

      If I had more discretionary money, I would hire a part-time nanny to pick my kids up from daycare/after school and get them home and settled, get dinner started, move my laundry around, feed the dog, etc. And I only work on average 40/hrs per week. I did this briefly last year, but it was a strain on our budget and the college student we hired was just ok. But with the right person and more money to throw around, this seems like it would be invaluable when your child is a little older and/or you have more than one child.

      • CHL

        I have this and it’s amazing! Even just two or three days a week makes life a lot more pleasant.

    • christineispink

      OP – we use a service called “itsfairy” or “fairy”. I believe they only operate in NYC and San Fran right now. It’s marketed as basically hotel housekeeping for your house. We started using it following my husband’s surgery this past summer. We had our cleaner come 5 days a week for 30 min. She basically cleaned up my husband’s bfast/lunch mess and left my kitchen sparkling for me to make dinner and prep the next day’s meals. They have their own default list of tasks but our cleaner was open to what we needed, which was for her to take over my husband’s normal chores (taking out garbage/recycling and bathroom cleaning) along with letting me come home and start cooking rather than start by clearing the sink. Husband is all recovered now but we still use her 2x a week for 30 min each. We both pretended to consider no longer needing our cleaner but then decided it was DEFINITELY worth it for us. We plan our big “meal prep” days for before her cleanings. We are actually increasing her time to 1 hour 2x a week b/c I found out I love the random times she has had extra time to do other things (make my bed like a hotel bed!) and want that to happen more often.

    • OP

      Thanks so much to everyone for your input! These are all really helpful suggestions!

  4. Seafinch

    A huge portion of my domestic management labour is related to shopping and meal planning. I like doing it and food matters to me BUT we have limited funds. So I really make a huge effort there and it is intense. If I was really flush, 1) I would order the groceries online and have them delivered. (I can’t justify this as I need to price compare and it would add a solid 30% if not 50% to my bottom line as I am exceedingly frugal). 2) If I didn’t like cooking, I would hire a private chef/catering company to stock my fridge and freezer. With a clean house and a fridge full of nutritious food, your whole world opens up.

  5. Anon

    Any tips for removing coffee stains from a stainless steel mug? I already tried the baking soda and vinegar trick Google recommended, but no dice.

    • anon

      Not sure about stainless steel, but in general you need a basic cleanser (as in, the opposite of acidic) for coffee stains. You might give baking soda another try, without the vinegar. Or, dishwasher detergent is often basic.

      • Anon

        +1 re just baking soda and water. Mix to a sloppy paste consistency and let it sit a while. Then wipe.

    • Anonymous

      I literally learned about water bottle cleaning tablets yesterday. Apparently they work on travel mugs too. Google it and you can buy some online

      • Mallory Johnson

        So, I heard about this too on another blog, and someone said that denture cleaning tablets were basically the same thing and way cheaper. I tried it (got the cheapest ones at the grocery store) and it’s GREAT. Gets all the gunk off my favorite travel mugs. I also put the caps/smaller pieces in a larger container so they can be cleaned. Would definitely recommend it!

    • Anonymous

      add crushed ice and a couple spoonfuls of salt (granular salt is better vs super fine table salt), a tiny bit of water (just to make an icy slurry) and swish around. Works great on coffee pots and travel mugs!

    • Anonymous

      I accidentally poured boiling water into a stainless steel coffee pot over the weekend, and left it for a few hours. Miraculously, when I poured out the water, most of stain went with it.

  6. Anonimoose

    Vacation recommendations please! My sister and I are going to San Francisco for a long weekend for a milestone birthday. Any suggestions on areas to stay? And things to do? In general, we like good food, history, culture, and unique experiences. Not so much a nature-loving duo. TIA!

    • NYC Anon

      Early morning hot air balloon ride over Napa Valley. There are several companies that offer this.

      • Anononymous

        Napa is ~90 minutes from San Francisco, potentially more in traffic. That’s like suggesting an activity in Milwaukee to someone who asks for Chicago recs. I love Napa, but there is PLENTY in SF to fill a long weekend and there’s no reason to go that far out of the city unless visiting wine country is a stated goal.

    • The original Scarlett

      stay – for a milestone, go classic and stay at the Fairmont or Mark Hopkins (both on Nob Hill and central); very classic SF

      Eat – look at Eater’s heat map and make reservations as soon as you can. Best hyped place I’ve gone lately is Che Fico (they take reservations exactly 30 days out. Get on open table at midnight and you get a table. If you don’t, forget it, you’ll never get in until 10PM if at all). This is pretty much the drill for anything popular.

      Do – the new MOMA, the Palace Legion of Honor, and the De Young for museums. Otherwise, wander neighborhoods. My favorite to kill a day – Mission (start around Tartine (eat there first); Hayes Valley (stop at 20th Century Cafe for lunch); Union Street, Fillmore Street, Chestnut Street. Also, despite not loving nature, check out the Cliff House/ walk Lands End and Sutro Baths. Skip things like Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz.

      • The original Scarlett

        I will add, I suspect some people like Alcatraz for the views of the Bay and the boat ride to get there. I think a better way to do that is to take the ferry to Tiburon (pick it up at the Ferry Building and grab breakfast at cowgirl Creamery) to Sam’s for lunch. The food is basic but you eat out on the patio overlooking the bay and you get a boat ride. Alternatively, for great bridge views, drive or take a Lyft to Cavallo Point and go to the Farley Bar’s outdoor seating. It’s right over the GGB on the Marin side at the base of the bridge. Views are spectacular and food is good. I always take people there for brunch when they visit.

    • Delta Dawn

      I love Slanted Door for dinner. There is a bakery in Chinatown– Eastern Bakery– that is good for a walking breakfast one day. Get the moon cakes, and some sort of red bean paste puff thing. Golden Gate Theater has $40 rush tickets sometimes, two hours before curtain– the show right now is Come From Away if you’re into that. Have a fun trip!

    • Anonymous

      Eat at The Slanted Door and wander around the ferry building (lots of gourmet food)

      Eat at The House (get the deep fried salmon roll) and then walk around north beach and up to coit tower (good history and amazing views)

      Go to the Japanese tea gardens and explore golden gate park

      Hike around lands end and the Sutro baths and eat at the cliff house

    • Min Donner

      A bit off the beaten track, but the Hangar One distillery can be a fun afternoon trip. https://hangarone.com/visit/ It’s a ferry ride away (spend time at the ferry building – great food and farmer’s market like shopping), and then a reasonable walk to the hangar. Also, I think there are a few wineries that have tasting rooms nearby.

  7. Paging Big 4

    I responded to your Friday morning post over the weekend. (It’s a bit long but I hope you find it helpful.)

  8. Outsourcing Business Idea

    The above thread got me thinking, I have been toying with the idea of opening a personal-chef type business where I have 5 clients, one each day Monday-Friday, and I come to their home and prepare a weeks worth of gourmet meals that typically just require heating up or mixing together (things like a lasagna and salad or chili and garlic bread). There only seems to be two logistical snafus, 1) I would need to make a salary, so the service would not be cheap and 2) for ethical reasons it would be a vegan service. It would be all scratch cooking and still work out to be much cheaper than going to a restaurant.

    • Anonymous

      You will never make any money with that model and will be working all the time.

    • Anonymous

      Unless you can locate vegans with precision, I think that will sink you.

      I could deal with vegetarian meals most times but I would never give up cheese (and I’m a real food eater, so not going to go to a pretend non-dairy cheese). My husband really would need a second meal service b/c he eats a lot of meat and eggs and is also cheese friendly on pasta. Kids are in between but very pro-cheese.

    • Anononymous

      Where do you live? There would be demand for this in LA (although I imagine it already exists) but not much, if any, in St. Louis. I’m also very skeptical that it would be “much cheaper” than going to a restaurant. I lived in the SF area and I looked at services like this (albeit not vegan) and they were in the neighborhood of $25-30/person/meal. There are plenty of restaurants in the Bay Area where you can get a reasonably healthy meal at that price, although of course there are also plenty of more expensive restaurants. I imagine people would be using your service because they’re very health conscious, not because they’re price conscious. “Personal chef” = $$$$ in most people’s minds (not wrongly).

      • Anonymous

        When I saw how expensive meal prep services were and personal chefs, I think I could outsource to Omaha Steak for less (and my family would looooove it). Not going to do that on principle, but may try for my next long work trip.

    • anon

      If all the food is to be reheatable, then why do you need to go to the customer’s home to cook it? It seems like you could maximize your efficiency if you make an enormous batch of chili at once and portion it out to deliver among your customers. Plus, as someone who might be interested in such a service, I would rather not have to be home/ give a house key to someone. If I were home all day, I’d cook myself!

      • Anonymous

        +1. It would be more efficient and cost-effective to cook huge batches and deliver. I’d never be able to afford to hire someone to prep meals in my home, but I might consider a meal delivery or pickup service if the meals were tasty, low in sodium, and relatively affordable. In some cities there would probably be a huge market for a vegan meal delivery/pickup service.

      • NYNY

        This. Your model is vulnerable to volatility – you lose one client, you lose 20% of your income. If you create a vegan meal prep service delivering 1-3 days of prepared meals at a time, and have an easy, maybe app-based, interface to order/customize, you gain efficiency and quality control. And you can scale up over time, instead of being locked in to 5 clients.

    • Anon

      The vegan part will be too limiting to be successful. Offering it, great. But only, you’re completely limiting your market for what you want to do. I’d hire a chef but only if the food was good and confirmed to MY tastes.

    • Anonymous

      You’d probably need to be in a bigger city to have enough vegans to make this work.

      The food prep service I would love to see is one that specializes in food allergies. And can provide nutritionally balanced meals to accommodate those allergies. One of my kids has multiple food allergies and that means limited ability to buy prepackaged frozen meals or order delivery and I constantly have to pay attend to whether or not she is getting enough healthy fats and protein.

    • Anonymous

      You might sell more vegan meals as a specialty to-go item in grocery stores.

      I’m not vegan, but have friends who are Kosher and Halal and they generally go for vegan items in a pinch.

      Our Harris-Teeter sells their own to-go items and also some from a local catering company that does drop-offs throughout the week of things like (non-vegan, obvs) chicken pot pies, meatloaf, baked goods, sandwiches, spreadables (hummus, salsa, pimiento cheese).

    • Seafinch

      My sister ran a similar business (that she sold for a profit), she didn’t focus on vegans, but instead fitness oriented folks. Lots of Crossfitters and working mothers. It was in rural Canada where prices are low and she didn’t make a fortune but did okay and was in hot demand. It was a huge amount of work and she used a commercial kitchen and dropped off to clients or had them pick up. It isn’t going to make you rich. I have another friend doing the same thing and her experience is similar. Both of them had few other employment options are entrepreneurial and good cooks. It wouldn’t replace a decent income.

    • Suburban

      A friends dad does this. He rents space in a commercial kitchen where he preps the meals. He sends a weekly menu, at a set price, to a group of people and they opt in for the week. So he cooks it all in the commercial kitchen and drops it off. No idea what the price point is, but it’s essentially one day of cooking, one day of shopping, ect. It’s a retirement project and I don’t get the idea that he makes a huge profit.

    • AVL local

      There is a business here in Asheville NC called Eden Out that is a vegan weekly meal service. You can check their website for details on their pricing, menu etc. The business has been I think doing well for several years, so it doesn’t necessarily need to be in a big city. Their meals are delicious and definitely a time saver.

      • Anonymous

        I’m in a larger city (bigger than Asheville, not LA) and there are several services like this, though they are not entirely vegan. Most offer vegan, but also offer other paleo/whole 30, etc. options which include some animal-based proteins. That said, I think you’re right to think there is absolutely no way you could do this with only 5 customers a week. You need to scale up the model significantly.

      • emma

        I’m a vegetarian and honestly a lot of the meal prep services turn me off because the veg options are usually super simple things that I can make myself on the cheap (like pasta dishes). I would only buy something like this if it was more complicated stuff I wouldn’t try at home. In LA, a lot of people do hire meal prep people (I think it’s a combo of a lot of wealth and focus on looks) and I think the amount that people make (unless they are also offering training/nutritional consulting) is on par with a cleaning person hourly wage (which to be fair in LA, is like $25/hr) and you’d be competing with large-scale grocery options that already offer something similar-ish.

    • Anonymous

      I think the biggest logistical snafu is sustainable demand. Do you live in an area full of rich busy vegans?

    • Anon

      I have a friend who did this. He had a fancy culinary school degree, had recently been a line cook at one of the top restaurants in our city, and before that at a top place in NYC. He started working at a high end caterer and then found individual clients through word of mouth. He had a full slate of clients but never made a real living at it and definitely had to keep the catering gig on the weekend.

      Some things to consider. People who can pay for a service like this travel a lot. They’re not going to pay for meals they’re not home for. So the income isn’t as steady as finding five clients and visiting each house once per week.

      They also go out for meals a lot and end up dialing back how many meals they want their private chef to prepare, despite their intentions of eating more healthfully by hiring the private chef.

      People with that kind of money will be looking for a chef with fancy credentials like my friend – culinary school, preferably in Paris, and experience in top restaurants. They want to brag about it to their friends. Do you have that or are you just an enthusiastic home cook? If the latter, you’re not going to be able to demand as high a price.

      Services are emerging where good home cooks make things in their own kitchens and have different ways of getting the food to people. Immigrant communities have been doing this for a long time – for example, my friend’s husband is from Indonesia and gets several meals a week from an older Indonesian lady’s kitchen. But he doesn’t pay her much. Like $5-$10 a meal. And now that this has popped up as a more mainstream thing (like Josephine here in the Bay Area) authorities want to regulate home kitchens for cleanliness, safety, etc. it’s a very complicated thing.

    • Bubbe

      If you could source Kosher and sell it as pareve (neither dairy nor meat) there’d be a market for this in my HCOL non-Coastal city.

    • mavatx

      There is a place near me in the Boston suburbs that does something similar. Agree that you need more than 5 clietns to make this sustainable, but you could rent space at a commercial kitchen and do large batches of food for pickup/delivery before you’d need a dedicated space or storefront. Here’s the model of the place by me. http://www.fruitionvegankitchen.com/how-it-works.html

    • Anon

      Okay, assuming you want to earn, say, $50k, you’re going to have to charge ON TOP of the cost for food/kitchen/whatever, each client $200 per day you prepare food for them. So they’re already paying ~$40 per meal just for your services, not even including the cost of the actual food. That’s certainly not going to be much cheaper than a restaurant.

    • Seventh Sister

      I have a friend that has done this type of thing, though she did vegetarian food. She is an AMAZING cook and we live in a market where there are a lot of rich people who will pay for this kind of thing. That said, she’s had a lot of trouble making a regular income because 1) even in LA, people really do want entrees with meat in them and 2) these are people who travel and have many options in terms of what to eat. She’s also very dedicated to very pricey ingredients (organic farmer’s market lettuce v. TJ organic lettuce) so that cuts into her profit.

    • LaurenB

      I don’t understand why you’d have to come to my house (and dirty my pots and pans, etc.). I just want the bottom line – the food in some kind of container where all I have to do is pop it into an oven or microwave. There’s no benefit to you cooking at my house.

  9. Anon

    My husband and I had never had homeownership on our goal list, but now we are moving to a lower cost of living area where home ownership may be easily in reach. I am wondering what we should do with our savings, which are currently held in a high-yield savings account. It looks like rates for CDs have gone up a little bit and I am not sure that the Fed will raise rates more anytime soon. Does anyone have any thoughts for what I should be doing with these liquid savings if home ownership is a possibility but not an absolute goal? I’m thinking maybe leave some in the savings and put some in a CD, but would like to hear perspectives.

    • Anon

      An important factor in this planning is deciding when you will start looking at homes.

    • Beth

      We have our downpayment fund socked away in Ally’s no penalty [for early withdrawal] 11 month CD at 2.3%. It was the best combination of return and liquidity we found.

  10. Anononymous

    Where are you traveling in 2019? I loved the big bucket list travel thread the other day, but I don’t think most people do bucket list travel every year (I certainly don’t) so I’d love to hear where people are actually going, not just your wish list. For my part, we’re probably going to Paris for a wedding and that will be our “big” trip. We’ll also go to NYC, Philadelphia and Atlanta to see family and Chicago because it’s close enough for a short weekend trip. And I hope to get to one of the big southern “foodie” cities (Charleston, Savannah etc), maybe in combination with the Atlanta trip.

    • BabyAssociate

      I do one big (1-2 week) bucket list trip per year, which this year will be Jordan. Also doing Paris, Barcelona, probably Puerto Rico, and one more TBD trip over Christmas, which might be Poland.

    • anon

      Morro Bay, CA is our goal this year. Visiting family, but also beach walks and birdwatching. We’re expecting to need to travel internatuonally in 2020, so saving up PTO this year.

      • Anonymous

        Haleakala and Iao Valley for the sights.
        Mama’s is definitely a good choice. Also the Mill House and Paia Fish Market for casual dining (3 locations-Paia, Kihei and Lahaina).
        Sensei in Kihei does half price Sushi on Sunday nights. Lining up for the deal is in itself performance art.

      • Anonymous

        Do the road to Hana (visit the black sand beach and the 7 sacred pools). Do the sunrise tour of Haleakala and ride a bicycle down. See the banyan tree in Lahaina. Snorkel at Molokini. Second the recommendation for Mama’s Fish House and really, any sushi place. But if you get sick of fish, I HIGHLY recommend Gerard’s. It’s wonderful French food and one of my favorite meals of all time.

    • Anonymous

      Italy in August and one of Florida, France or Portugal in April depending on whether or not I cave to the kids begging for Disney because ‘all their friends have been’.

      • Avis

        If you go to France, you could always consider a daytrip to Disneyland Paris. You could kill two birds with one stone.

        • Anonymous

          That’s my backup plan. Fly into London, chunnel to Paris for youngest who is obsessed with trains, 2 days at Disneyland Paris, and then 5-7 days French countryside. I sort of resent spending time in Europe at Disney though so trying to decide if I’ll bit the bullet and go with Florida for 5-7 days and do France next year.

        • Anon

          +1. Thankfully my kids haven’t shown much interest in Disney yet but DH and I have agreed we’ll only do Disneyland Tokyo/Paris, because it can be a day trip combined with an otherwise adult trip. If they really want the full Disney experience, we’ll consider a cruise or the resort in Hawaii. Orlando is a hard pass, just the plane flights to and from Orlando are h3ll (I used to have to fly there regularly for work and they were the worst flights I’ve ever had).

        • Anon

          +2 once you’re there, Disney Paris is cheaper than Disney Orlando. My friend’s took her kids a few years ago (but I think they’re also doing Disney Orlando this year… which ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

          I’m forever going to Europe since I’m on the east coast. This year it’s Spain! Asia and Australia would be really nice if not for the travel time.

      • Anonymous

        Wow, that will be amazing. You must be a heck of a cyclist to do that trip. Kudos!

    • Anonymous

      Jamaica for an adults-only friends trip (first one! so excited!), and probably a family trip (w/ 4 year old) to the Caribbean somewhere.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Tentatively our big vacation this year is Italy for a week and a half. Still working on planning that. I’ll also join my parents for their annual beach vacation to one of the beaches near me that they do every year, though I usually end up working remotely for part of that. Maybe a weekend to Seattle to visit a friend. We’re going to try to take some long weekend trips in our state and explore that more. This is the first year in a long time we don’t have any weddings to travel to, so I have more vacation days unaccounted for than normal and still working out what to do with them.

    • Cb

      Berlin for a week at Easter, Madrid for work in June, and Portugal in August as my parents have a harebrained scheme in the works to retire there as it puts them closer to their grandchild (I’m in the UK, they are in California). We’re going to do Christmas in California as well.

    • Hooray for travel

      Jan – Went to the U.S. Virgin Islands. So warm and sunny, I see why people do this more often…
      Feb – Alsace for cheese!
      April – 2 weeks in Burgundy/Paris
      July – Cape Cod for 10 days
      October – 10 days in Norway
      November – A few days in Scotland, possibly Switzerland

    • Anonymous

      We found an incredible deal on a trip to Spain this year, so we’re going for 12 days — Andalusia, Gibraltar, day trip to Tangier, and four days in Barcelona.

      Any recommendations from this group for can’t miss spots in Southern Spain? We’ll have a car and will be traveling around — Benahavis, Marbella, Malaga, and Granada. We’re planning on a splurge dinner at a 3-star Michelin restaurant (Dani Garcia), the Alhambra, and a drive up to Ronda to see the Puente Nuevo.

      • Anon

        I was in Malaga about a year ago. We loved the restaurant Meson de Cervantes. It’s a nice city to wander, shop, and eat. We also did a half-day trip to Mijas, which is one of the “white towns” near the coast. A bit touristy, but the town itself was very cute (especially once we meandered away from the main square).

      • Anon

        We’re also going to southern Spain due to good airfare! But we’re stopping in Granada, Cordobo, and Sevilla so I guess there’s not a lot of overlapping on recs. We’re definitely going to the Alhambra (make sure to buy tickets ahead of time), eat tons of tapas (I heard Granada is very generous with free tapas to go with the drinks you order), and see a flamenco show (ours will be in Seville).

        • Ness

          In Granada do not miss sunset from San Nicolas viewpoint and you are correct, Granada is famous for its tapas. You will get different ones with each round of drinks.

      • Ness

        Not sure if you want to be near Málaga o to move a bit more.
        Near Málaga apart of Ronda you have Antequera and its Torcal (natural park) and in between both the “Caminito del rey”http://www.caminitodelrey.info/en/#1
        If you want/can move a bit more I will do the main cities: Cadiz, Sevilla, Córdoba and Granada.
        In Málaga you should go to El pimpi, a super tipical restaurant, at least for a drink and take a look.

      • Anonymous

        The coolest thing we did last year was visit the Cueva de la Pileta about a 30 minute drive from Ronda. It’s a cave system that’s beautiful in its own right but also has A-MAZING cave drawings up to 30,000 years old. Visitors are limited so it’s a pretty intimate experience. It’s run by a family, not an archaeological outfit so it’s a different experience than a more professional kind of site (for good and for ill). The only way to get tickets is to call, which I did as soon as we landed in Spain and had no trouble getting the window we wanted a couple days later. They speak excellent English on the phone and on the tour. Seriously, it was the highlight of the trip for me.

    • SC

      Disney cruise, courtesy of my parents.
      Destin.
      Maybe drive to Nashville to visit family.

      Our 10th anniversary is in 2020, so we’re saving money and hoping to do a big trip next year.

    • Anonymous

      I do 1-2 bucket list destinations per year, plys camping (usually Sierras), and a week on the Caribbean. This year the big trip is Kazakhstan.

        • Anonymous

          You know about as much as I do. I got tickets into Astana for May, and a couple nights at the Hilton to start. Nothing else is planned yet.

    • Pompom

      Work trips include Chicago, a conference in London, and Helsinki. Personal fun trips include Barcelona (a return trip), Orlando (DH has a conference there, and I’m taking him to DW for his first time on his 35th bday), Dominican Republic, and a visit to our hometown.

    • Anonymous

      Like last year, I will probably just do one or two-day trip to NYC. A friend recently moved there, so if I can stay with her, I might extend to two nights. Circumstances could force me to trade that for a trip to DC to see a parent.

    • Anon

      Fun post!

      Nashville for a long weekend in Feb, and Cartagena and Medellín in March! Plans for the rest of the year are TBD, as DH is planning to change jobs but we don’t know the timing yet.

    • CountC

      Fundy Bay, Nova Scotia in May and Moah, Utah in September, each for a week. I still have days to burn so am traveling to a couple races and maybe will do some weekend trips.

      • Walnut

        I loved, loved, loved a trip I took to the Maritimes a couple years ago. Such a special corner of the world.

        • christineispink

          my w/the in-laws trip last year was a Maritimes cruise and we LOVED all the little islands. Would definitely do PEI for a week or more over the summer, seems like it’d be especially nice with kids as well.

    • Senior Attorney

      Weekend in Las Vegas in March (Rotary event)

      Weekend in Palm Springs the very next week (Hubby’s family law conference)

      Cycling trip from Innsbruck to Verona, followed by a few days in Venice, in late July

      New Year in London

      And I have “bike trip” on my calendar for a weekend in May but I can’t remember where it is. Somewhere in the California Central Coast, I think.

    • Anon

      Skiing in Mont-Tremblant, triathlon training camp in Los Angeles, 2 weeks in Italy (Tuscany, Rome, and the Amalfi Coast), long weekend in Louisville drinking along the bourbon trail.

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      We don’t really tend to plan far ahead. This year the big trip will be South Africa. Also probably Hawaii, and perhaps a European city at some point. Definitely skiing.

    • christineispink

      For reference I live in NYC, no kids. The first year husband and I were dating we did a lot of 4-day weekend trips to domestic cities we’d never visited (Charleston, Chicago, Lexington). Then we saved all our vacation for our honeymoon (South Korea, New Zealand, Fiji). We have a special fund to save up to go back to NZ/Fiji for our 5-year anniversary, with the understanding we might change the destination but at least we’ll have the funds. I get 25 days, husband gets 20.

      Jan – Paris w/mom/sister (including Disneyland Paris!); weekend in Walt Disney World (WDW) w/mom
      Feb – Valentine’s Day week at WDW; WDW for Princess 10k (girls’ trip with a coworker)
      Apr – Hershey, PA (want to try their spa for my bday)
      June – big (anniversary) trip for the year: Norway cruise + a week in Europe (Amsterdam/Brussels/Paris?)
      Sept – weekend at the B&B (near Philly) we stayed at for our wedding; we try to do this once a year; weekend in WDW for their Halloween party
      Oct – Bermuda cruise (hoping it’s a babymoon)
      Dec – wanted to do Cuba cruise but husband is vetoing it on TTC grounds; we typically do a last-minute weekend somewhere in Florida when we get tired of the cold

    • Portia

      January – long weekend in LA
      March – long weekend in Phoenix
      April – long weekend in San Diego
      May – week in DC
      October – long weekend in Las Vegas
      November – long weekend in NYC

      Plus maybe one or two more trips tbd.

  11. Mpls

    Snow day! WFH, so I can shovel over lunch (and also so I don’t have to drive on still snow covered roads), when it warms up to almost 10F. Because then temps plumet and we don’t see this side of zero again until Friday.

    #braggingrights

    • K

      Woke up this morning expecting to see the ground covered already but it hadn’t even started yet! Expecting it to start soon… my college already decided to close today so no grad school for me tonight!
      Can I move to Florida yet?

  12. Anonymous

    My husband’s paternity leave will overlap with the end of my maternity leave sometime in early April. We will have a 4 month old and would like to take our first family vacation at that time to a warm (but domestic) location. We could go away for up to 5 days. We’re flying out of PHL and prefer a 3.5 hour or less flight (so west coast/southwest are out, unfortunately). Any suggestions? And specific hotel recs are much appreciated! (Under $500/night). We are open to Florida even though I generally dislike it. Haven’t spent much time in the south so I’m not sure what beachy options there are in the Carolinas, Georgia,etc. that are pretty close to an airport. TIA!

    • BabyAssociate

      I know I’m a broken record at this point, but Puerto Rico! Beautiful and so easy to get to. For San Juan I really like El Convento, for Vieques I love El Blok.

    • Anononymous

      I’d highly recommend an AirBNB or a VRBO with a baby that age. They sleep ~16 hours a day, so unless you’re going to spring for a fancy hotel suite you’ll be spending a lot of time in a dark quiet room if you get a hotel. Having one area where the baby can sleep and a separate area where the adults can eat/drink/socialize/watch TV etc will be invaluable. At the beach areas in the southeast, vacation rentals are common and generally affordable compared to a hotel.

      • Anonymous

        It will depend a lot on your baby, but 2/3 of mine napped magnificently in strollers and a front carrier at that age- so while yes, babies nap a lot, they also often can nap ANYWHERE.

        But my other kid….she would only nap under extremely perfect conditions and in that case I’d be hold up in a dark hotel room.

        • NYCer

          +1 to this. Plenty of babies will nap in strollers or cars or carriers or carseats in restaurants. When our older child was around this age, we did a trip to Mallorca and had a great time. Planning a similar trip this summer to France with our then 4 month year old. Yes, the pace is much, much slower with a baby, but it is honestly a great time to travel!

          OP – If you want a guaranteed warm domestic destination in early April, I would definitely go with Florida. Personally, I would choose Miami, Naples or Palm Beach, but there are plenty of other good FL options other than those three. Kiawah Island in South Carolina is another option (fly into Charleston), but you could end up with chilly (i.e., not beach/pool) weather.

    • Anonymous

      Florida is not generally considered part of the South. Northern Florida arguably is, but it can still be cold in early March.

      IMO go to Miami. Stay at the Fontainbleau (may be too pricey) or nearby in Miami Beach. You can go visit South Beach, but I’m not sure you’d want to stay there with a baby. You may want to stroll Lincoln Road though.

    • anon

      AirBnB (or resort) in Puerto Rico!! It’s domestic, and for the specs you mentioned you can get something amazing that’s not anything like FL, and better weather and beaches than the SE coast of the US

    • C

      Charleston is your best bet in that area for close to a major airport + beach. For my money, I’d rent a house or condo on one of the islands nearby for some quiet, relaxing beach time instead of doing a hotel. Look at Sullivan’s Island, Isle of Palms, and James Island and see what options are available and which one suits you. Everyone local has strong opinions about the differences between them, but you can have a nice beach vacation at any of them.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, I was going to suggest Charleston as well. It might not be really warm/beach weather at that time, but I went in mid-March one year (from NYC) and it was very comfortable weather-wise.

    • Cat

      For reliably warm weather at that time and relaxing on the beach (and good food scene to boot), I’d go to Naples since the Gulf side tends to be warmer. American flies direct to Ft. Myers and it’s only about 1/2 hour from there. You may get a lot cheaper if you fly to FLL, though, which is an easy 1 1/2 hours or so across the state.

    • Saguaro

      I did Ft. Lauderdale when my youngest was 4 mos old and it was perfect. Definitely get an AirBnB, or at least a hotel that has a kitchenette. I found this to be a necessity when traveling with young children, even if it’s just to clean bottles. Ft. Lauderdale in the early spring is really nice, and you can get in the water (not too cold). I also liked that the water was not too deep for quite a distance from shore, so it was easy to wade in with the baby and not worry about it being too deep or big waves.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      If you want weather reliably warm enough to swim that time of year, you’re going to have to go to Florida (the southern half, not the northern panhandle) or Puerto Rico. Even if the air temperature is nice in the Carolinas and Georgia, the water is still quite cold in early April. I mean, I’ve definitely seen people swimming in it, but just be aware if you don’t have a lot of cold tolerance, it won’t be pleasant. Surf-forecast.com has graphs of averages of water temperature.

    • Anon

      I would not take a 4 month old to Puerto Rico. The sun there is really really intense and a baby can burn in less than 5 minutes (ask me how I know…) and no matter how much you bundle up, use sunscreen (which I think is not even recommended at that age) and try to avoid the sun, a few minutes a day of sun exposure is basically inevitable on vacation (walking between car and hotel, car and restaurant, etc). The CDC also recommends typhoid vaccination for all travelers there and you can’t get that shot until the age of 2. My pediatrician went ballistic when she found out we’d taken our infant to PR. Note that typhoid can be transmitted through breastmilk, so it’s a concern even if they’re not eating or drinking anything except milk.

      • Anonymama

        Your sun concern is slightly hilarious to me as there are many many babies who survive just fine in tropical places. But I also had one very fair skinned baby so I have felt your pain. And the CDC recommends the typhoid vaccine for most travelers, especially if you will be visiting rural areas or are “an adventurous eater” but seems like you’d be pretty safe if you stayed in a resort.

    • Anonymous

      Fly directly into Key West. The beaches aren’t great (unless you’re willing to drive) but some hotels do have small ones. Lots of warm-weather wandering, eating, and pools!

  13. Bread

    Are there any bread bakers on the board? I’ve just started. My first few sourdough boules have been surprisingly successful.

    Please share any resources (blogs, books, tools) that you’ve found particularly useful! TIA

    • sourdough

      King Arthur Flour’s website is so helpful, and if you write to them with a question a real person writes back! I was having trouble with my sourdough rise and they helped me with the folding technique. I like the rustic sourdough and tangy sourdough recipes. My husband makes the tartine recipe, which is delicious but a lot more time-consuming. Also, keep your starter well-fed. I also like Blondie and Rye on instagram (more for inspiration than anything else).

    • Cb

      Ooh, I need to get on this. I let my starter die when I was pregnant as the yeast-y smell was too much for me but I love baking bread, I find a project with a concrete (and delicious) outcome such a refreshing change from my real life.

    • Vicky Austin

      Me! Haven’t tried sourdough yet, although my husband would die and go to heaven if I did. I’m a novice, but I’m having fun, and it’s really nice to look forward to on weekends.

    • bee

      If you like making Challah, I love Joan Nathan’s challah recipe with 5 yolks.
      I <3 bread machines.

    • trefoil

      I make sourdough at least once a week, and use it as the basis for most of my homemade breads.

      Here are some of the resources i go back to:
      Tartine Bread – fancy and intimidating. it’s brilliant for inspiration, but i’ve never actually made anything from it.
      Artisan Sourdough made Easy – book by http://www.theclevercarrot.com/2014/01/sourdough-bread-a-beginners-guide/
      figjamandlimecordial.com – fantastic basic tutorials and lots of different kinds of breads made with sourdough

      I had been making no-knead bread, and notice some differences in sourdough – mine tends to burn at 500, so i heat a cast iron dutch oven to 500, add the bread on parchment paper and then drop the heat to 475 for the first 40 minutes, then take the lid off, reduce the temperature to 450, and bake for another 15-20.

      Not sourdough, but I’ve made the black russian bread from smittenkitchen twice since the holidays – it goes perfectly with gravlax and borscht.

    • Joan Wilder

      Congrats! I killed my starter accidentally but getting ready to regroup soon. For resources I love the blog The Perfect Loaf. It’s dedicated entirely to homemade sourdough read and he is very interactive with commenters who have questions plus the King Arthur site and baker’s hotline (as mentioned above).

    • Anon

      breadtopia dot com for recipes and tutorials and also equipment if you end up kneading it ;)

    • Walnut

      The Frugal Girl’s blog has lots and lots of advice on bread making. She’s never steered me wrong.

    • Anon for this

      Baking sour dough is on my bucket list! Do I need a lot of time/space?

  14. Teresa

    HR Advice, please: Please help: On day 2 at my new bank job, I was summoned to the VP of HR’s office. I was told that a co worker came to him, saying she felt “threatened” by me in working there.

    I happen to be the girlfriend of her brother in law, with home she does not get along, due to a family matter not involving me at all. We have interacted very little, and have both been to a few family gatherings, me as a guest of my boyfriend, she with her husband, my boyfriend’s brother. I actually met my boyfriend through his brother.

    The HR VP sat me down alone in his office behind closed doors to tell me. I replied that I do not know the lady very well, had little interaction. The VP suggested I take an office conflict class. I declined.

    I left work that day so upset. I sat in my car and cried. I just got this job. I did not know the lady worked there, had only seen her in passing upon arriving to start, hadn’t even spoken to her. I worry her word will be taken seriously for she has been at this bank for years. Please advise how I may clear my name and have a good working relationship: do I send an email or some type of statement to the VP as well as my immediate supervisor (whom I am uncertain if she is aware of this matter)? Should I get a lawyer? Or, just act as if all is ok, and just avoid my accuser?

    Thank you in advance for your help.

    • BabyAssociate

      Unless I’m missing something, getting a lawyer involved seems totally unnecessary. Did you explain to the VP exactly what you said here? Meaning that this isn’t work related, but that she knows you through family? If you haven’t, I would do so in general terms. You might also consider looking at the Ask a Manager archives too.

      • Lots to Learn

        I agree. You don’t need a lawyer yet. And I don’t know what they could do for you. Hopefully when you met with HR, you asked them what, if anything, you did that the other person found “threatening.” Hopefully, you also told them what you said here – that you have little interaction with this other employee and intend to keep work and personal life separate. If you didn’t have these conversations with the HR VP, I think you need to go back to him and say you’ve thought more about the meeting from last week and have some additional questions and comments. If you truly haven’t done anything threatening, I can’t believe that anything will come of this (although it is troubling that the VP suggested a conflict management class for you – that suggests that either you have done something that could objectively be viewed as threatening or that your HR department isn’t very sophisticated). As for whether to involve your manager, I think that depends on how big the office is, whether the other person reports to him/her and what your relationship is like with the manager. I’d probably see how the meeting with the HR person goes and if it ends with that, I wouldn’t involve the manager. If it looks like it might continue (e.g. with you being required to attend the conflict management class or with them instructing you not to interact with the other employee), then I would tell your manager.

        • Anon

          I agree that you don’t need to hire a lawyer yet but a quick phone consult with one may be very helpful and there may not be any charge (though for goodwill, I’d offer to pay). Ask your lawyer friends who they recommend–often a personal recommendation will get you a return call when a cold call won’t. A good lawyer will be able to tell you “no, you don’t need to hire me yet, but when X happens, call back and we’ll move forward with Y.”

    • Anon

      Get a lawyer. Given that you likely have an at -will employment contract, you may have limited legal standing, but an attorney can ensure that you are treated fairly in the process.

      • Anon

        And maybe this needs to be said: do not get your boyfriend or family involved in this. In fact, instruct your boyfriend to keep his mouth shut. Family drama will only make this worse.

      • Anon

        Why a lawyer now?

        Being disliked by an existing employee for petty personal stuff isn’t generally a protected class (absent some information we don’t have).

        Are you thinking some kind of freedom of association claim for states that apply First Amendment-type rights to employees of private enterprises? Or just to have a lawyer at the ready in case they fire her so they pay her to stay quiet about the matter because it’s incredibly embarrassing to the company to fire someone in this circumstance?

        • Anon

          To ensure that they go through proper procedures for investigating and resolving claims. The OP will have to spend the rest of her life explaining this if she is fired – most job applications ask if you’ve been fired. It will also make it challenging to find another job if she is not eligible for rehire.

          The bank has procedures. If they are followed, the op should be okay.

          Also, non-lawyers can do some incredibly counterproductive stuff. A good attorney can advise her when to shut up and when to fight.

    • Anon

      Why on earth didn’t you tell HR about your familial relationship with this woman? Saying “you don’t know her and have little interaction” could sound like you are lying or dismissive. Letting HR know that there are non-workplace issues that may affect her interaction with you places the blame OFF you and makes her seem like the crazy one. At the very least if she becomes a problem and the bank prefers to keep her you can get a recommendation on the vein of “it didn’t work out” v. “you’re a work place bully”.

      Also: RECORD EVERYTHING. Until this sorts out, I’d even keep track of where I was at all times so you can have proof that you didn’t interact with her at all – she will look insane.

    • Anon

      Unless this woman is utterly unreasonable or unbalanced, there has to be more to this story.

      • Anon

        I disagree. I have been targeted by a woman at work for no action on my part. It came down to her insecurities and was miserable for me but anyone higher up was hesitant to touch it with a 10 ft. pole because it was “just young women being dramatic.” It was really awful.

          • Anon

            Of course not, but OP said there is history of family conflict. OP doesn’t have to have done anything or know anything else for So-And-So to have a completely unreasonable opinion of OP, then get annoyed that OP now works at the same bank, and run to HR because So-And-So knows that she (So-And-So) has the upper hand.

          • Anon

            This, plus the description of the “family matter” and the lack of interaction so far at work.

          • Anon

            Not the above poster, but for me, it was Day 5. Woman was just a bully whose life wasn’t turning out as she hoped, and she lied to HR and said I physically threatened her.

          • Anonymous

            Eh, this happened to me on Day 1 at my first full-time job. My manager didn’t want to hire another salesperson for various reasons, but her boss overrode her and hired me. Manager took it personally because Reasons. Manager hated me (and would’ve hated anyone) the moment I walked in the door. We ended up becoming friends – apparently she complained about me so much to her friends that they shut her down and told her to stop taking out her frustrations on me.

  15. Salary Information

    My husband and I were having a conversation about disclosing salary to others. He has never done it. Not once. On the other hand, I started my career with a group of women (now friends), and we have always discussed how much we make. Some of us are still at firms, some have moved in-house, and we were always open about that kind of stuff. (It started because the firm did not have an organized approach to compensation, and it helped to compare notes and call them out at opportune times.) The information has been invaluable because now we have a pulse on the market. He told me he’s never heard of this type of arrangement, and he’s probably right that this is rare. Do any of you have a group where you disclose salaries and share notes? FWIW, I feel very lucky to have these women in my life.

    • CPA Lady

      I do. I started out in public accounting in a large regional firm with a group of women who have scattered to various other public accounting firms in town, the accountant version of in house, etc. We don’t regularly discuss compensation, but when someone is getting a new job or a promotion, we do. I texted several of them when I was up for a promotion to see what the going rate is for this position in their firms. Because of the info I got from them I was able to negotiate a better salary more in line with market.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        Same, I moved-in house and kept in touch with a few close friends from my firm. Some of them also moved in-house too, others needed to negotiate raises, and we’ve had open conversations about what we make and what to expect. I’ve also shared with friends from law school. Mostly women TBH – I feel like we have a “let’s make sure we are not getting screwed over” mindset that justifies bringing up this uncomfortable subject. I’m reluctant to disclose to people who aren’t in the industry (seriously, what is it with meeting random people at dinner parties who say things like “oh you’re a corporate lawyer, you must be loaded! Can you give me a sense of your salary?” Um, no)

        • Anon

          To your last sentence, OTOH, I have sometimes answered but also told them how much I pay in loans per month. My non-lawyer professional friends assumed that I work in a fancy building so I make bank. Turns out my discretionary income (post required monthly payments) is the same as theirs, which I suspected but they were shocked by. Put them in their place, so to speak.

    • anon

      I left my former firm fairly recently to go in house. I was very upfront about disclosing my new salary (which was a pay cut) to any peer at the firm who seemed at all interested. I feel like we are all considering the same menu of options, and it is a service to them to let them know a hard number example. I realize it’s probably gauche, but F that. We shouldn’t be ignorant out of social convention.

    • Falstaff

      Keeping salaries secret takes power from workers and concentrates it with employers. It allows discrimination and favoritism to fester. I am in favor of everyone disclosing salaries as much as possible!

      • Small Firm IP Litigator

        Yup this. I talked about it with some female friends, but don’t really know many other women in my field. I find it far more useful to discuss this with my male friends anyways to check for this issue.

        But before I started at my new small firm (post-offer), I flat out asked the only other associate my year what he made if he was willing to share. When it was the same as my offer, I was pleasantly surprised and made me feel fairly confident I wasn’t being cheated out of pay. Tbf, we had a great repore over a lunch and it felt appropriate.

    • emma

      My girlfriends and I talk salaries. I have found it to be VERY useful in commanding a higher pay for myself, or negotiating other benefits in lieu of pay. To be fair, most of us started in big law or gov, so it’s not exactly like this info is secret. I work in a company now and try to mentor some younger ladies I work with and thing it has helped them as well. The only time I do not share salary info is with someone in my direct team… I have had very bad experiences with this unfortunately, people get weird and petty and insecure and the info has been used to hurt me (& not even help the person). Unlike some of my teammates, I was also in a managerial role before I stepped out to be an individual contributor, so have a lot of incite into what they make/could make/how the company approaches these things anyway.

    • Anon

      I discuss salaries with all my attorney friends. Many of us started in BigLaw, so it was know what everyone made. Many are now in fed govt, where salary info is public, so easy to find out if interested. I find it really helpful to know what going rate as in different organizations, and know one person who was able to negotiate a raise based on the info.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I absolutely do this. My husband has discussed salary with his friends who work in the same ecosystem, and I realized how much power it gave them in salary negotiation. I frequently share salary info with friends, when we’re looking for new jobs, negotiating salary, trying to decide whether to stay in a job, or more broadly trying to strategize about career pathing. It’s hard enough to make career decisions that will advance your professional development, and I think it’s important to consider financial development as well.

  16. Associate#3742

    What are the questions I need to ask interviwers to find out about the company?

    Company / legal team culture, compensation, geographical mobility (multinational company), benefits, and PTO are all important, BUT I would appreciate all advice on 1) what specific questions I should “ask” to get a firm answer, and 2) at what stage it is appropriate to ask about these topics.

    FYI, I’m a 4th year biglaw associate, feeling burnt out by biglaw hours (regularly billing 250+ every month) but actually like the people I work with at current firm, and will have a 6 months’ sabbatical (paid) coming up in year 5. No interest in making partner, but reluctant to make the jump unless move is worth it financially / career wise, and would prefer to find out about compensation and benefits scheme sooner than later. Thank you!

    • Anon

      I am confused by this post. Are you interviewing at a specific company for an in-house role, or are you contemplating going on the job market?

      • Associate#3742

        Sorry, I was approached by a specific company and – after a coffee date that I didn’t know was about a job – was given an offer.

        It was very unexpected, and as they have no legal team as yet in my country I’m supposed to be asking the global legal team any questions I have (i.e., no way to find out from classmates, glassdoor, etc). I didn’t want to reject the offer outright (I would be interested given right fit / compensation) but was a bit bewildered how to proceed, as I have not been, and am not, on the general job market up until this point and not intending to go into a general job search (given my upcoming sabbatical timeline).

        • Anon

          Unless that is normal in your area, I would reject the offer. It’s just a very weird way of going about hiring a professional.

          • Associate#3742

            Thanks, there’s little established practice for hiring in-house in my market as the vast majority of companies don’t have legal teams (even the local branches of global companies), so I don’t find it super weird. But I agree it would be very strange in a major market.

    • Anon

      No insight but how did you get a 6 month paid sabbatical? Is that your firm’s policy for making it to year 5 or is it a one-off circumstance? I’m in biglaw and would move firms for that light at the end of the tunnel.

      • Associate#3742

        I’m in a non major market (non-US), and it’s general firm policy. Very nominal raises and no bonuses as years go up (and apparently no improvement to lifestyle haha), no equity partnership positions open, so it’s pretty much their only retention scheme for associates in years 3 – 6.

        • Anon

          Thanks for the insight. I get why you’d want to leave. That doesn’t outweigh the other cons.

          • Associate#3742

            Yep, my colleagues and I only stay on because we have little choice and don’t want to go solo / haven’t found suitable in-house alternatives — there are only (one) handful of biglaw firms in the market and all of them are in the same situation. We’re lucky to be offered sabbaticals at all, even if half of us will be ditched a few years afterwards. Non-English/major language speaking country, so it’s hard to lateral out to a different market (and will have to start from Year 1 if we do manage to transition)… okay now I’m just venting.

    • emma

      I would ask about bonuses and what percentage of employees get their full bonuses. I would ask about turn-over. I would ask about whether this role is a new role or they are backfilling- and if they are backfilling, why the prior person left. If wfh is important to you, ask about that. Same for travel/off hours/weekend expectations.

      • Associate#3742

        Thanks for the advice! I’ve found their descriptions a bit vague, and will ask about these upfront.

  17. Anon

    I have hardwood floors that are ~12 years old and have some dings/signs of wear from the previous owner. They are small, one-off things–a ding here, a chip there. There is one spot that has some water staining that’s probably the size of a letter piece of paper. Is there a service that fixes these types of wear? I did some googling and it looks like you can refinish them or fix big problem spots, neither of which we need. I’m imaging someone more skilled with wood putty and then some sort of seal.

    • Anon

      For small marks you can buy crayons to fill them in. The others you’d need to replace to boards, especially for the stain. Wood putty probably would not look very good, but if that is the route you want to go it seems like it’d be an easy diy project.

    • Anonymous

      Before you hire someone to refinish completely, try Bona at either HD or Lowes and see if that will help. It does a lot to refresh my floors. And I think they have some other add on products to help with dings. That said, the water damage may take a professional.

      • Mpls

        +1. I mean, you’ve got to expect some wear and tear, right? The floors won’t stay pristine. I’m in a house with (i think) original wood floors, which puts them at 70 years old.

        You really only get a limited amount of refinished on the wood floors themselves (vs the varnish/finish coat on top), before the floors need to be replaced, so I definitely wouldn’t go there for dings that are just going to show up again thru normal life wear/tear.

        • Anon

          Totally get that wear and tear happens, and I don’t expect perfect floors given their age. There are just two or three things in noticeable places that I’d like to fix. I’m still unsure as to what I would look for a professional to do. Is there a touch-up service that comes before refinishing? I don’t think we need refinishing yet.

    • Aggie

      It depends on your wood floors, but there is usually an ‘in between.’ My floors have a waxed coating and every spring I have them professionally polished. About three years ago, the technician recommended that the floors be waxed and buffed – it really brought my floors to life! He also had this colored wax that he applied directly to the dings and chips that added to the character.
      As far as water damage, we had several boards replaced after a dishwasher leak. They were able to blend the finish and the repair is virtually unnoticeable.

  18. Anonymous

    Would love some advice. I was planning a snowshoeing weekend for this coming weekend with a girlfriend/former coworker. This has been in the works for over a month. She wanted to turn it into a ski weekend instead, which I was happy with. Suddenly a few days ago, she sends me a text saying, “So- and-So would like to come, too, are you ok with that?” So-and-so is a current co-worker who does not like me for some unknown reason. Her boyfriend is friendly to me, but we are so clearly platonic and only talk at work. There is a bit of a power dynamic given my role and hers, but we rarely interact at work.

    I was trying to be inclusive and said “I guess that’s fine, so long as we get lodging that can accommodate all of us.” I took Friday off to make the drive up, and now there is a group text where it sounds like they want to go up Friday night, which will mean hitting really bad rush hour traffic and missing out on a half day of skiing. I wrote back to the text a full 24 hours ago saying we should really keep traffic in mind, and I thought the original plan was that we would go up Friday morning to take full advantage. I just walked by So-and-so at her desk on my way to a meeting and she clearly looked at me, I smiled, and then she grimaced and went back to her computer. Not a word. I’m really feeling like I want to bow out at this point because I feel the whole weekend is going to be uncomfortable with So-and-so.

    What would you do? If you would bow out, how would you do it? Say something else has come up? I just don’t want to make a scene, but kind of thinking I need to fade to black with this friendship.

    • Anon

      Ugh, I’m sorry. I have no great advice as I tend to make more of a mess of these situations because I try too hard to fix it. I’ve also had one of those co-workers and it was just awful. So sorry.

    • Vicky Austin

      This…is weird. Does your original friend know the deal with you and So-and-so? If yes, your friend is being weird (bringing along somebody who actively dislikes you – enough to grimace at you! – on what’s supposed to be a fun weekend). If no, So-and-so is being weird (tagging along on a fun weekend with a group 50% of whom she doesn’t like for – what reason, exactly?).

      Do you know what happened between your friend and So-and-so? How well do they know each other? Why would one reach out to the other and float the idea of adding So-and-so to the group?

      • Anonymous

        Yes, my friend knows that So-and-so has been very cold-shouldered to me in a variety of situations, but friend always brushes it off. It’s clear friend is close with So-and-so, and I think it’s partly because they worked in the same dept. and live much closer to each other. Just thinking I need to tell them something about having difficulty arranging dog care with no concrete plans and wishing them a fun weekend together. It’s sort of true.

      • lsw

        I agree it’s weird that your friend invited someone else at the last minute to something that the two of you planned in advance. IMHO it sounds kinda miserable and I’d be very inclined to cancel. Is anyone out any money if you do so? (i.e. hotel costs etc)

        It sounds more stressful than fun, and weekends are precious. It’s unlikely to improve your relationship with co-worker and instead might make it worse or more awkward, so sounds pretty lose-lose to me.

    • Anonymous

      I would drive myself up Friday morning and have a good time and in the future remind myself to be a grownup and just say no when I’m asked to change plans if I don’t want to.

      • emma

        Agree, especially if payments have been made on sleeping arrangements etc. I’d be SUPER annoyed if a friend backed out of a plan, that they mostly agreed to, and I was left holding the bag, so to speak. Next time just say no– there’s a woman in my extended friend group I don’t love (I think she’s a not very loyal gossip- friend traits that are very important to me), and while I do try to include her generally, I’d speak up if I didn’t want her around or just deal with the consequences if I said she could come.

        • Anonymous

          She booked an inexpensive place when it was just going to be the two of us. It only has two beds. With So-and-so it would have been divided 3 ways. The way I see it, she would now just be splitting with someone else. Is this wrong? I just feel like I’m always the one going above and beyond for friends who don’t reciprocate. I helped her set up for a recent party (which is not close to where I live), brought her two bottles of wine, loaned her decorations, etc. as a singleton, and then all her friends came and brought either nothing or one bottle of wine. I recognize I need to set better limits, but I guess I feel taken advantage of a lot in this friendship, and I don’t feel as badly about telling her I’m out.

          • emma

            I really think if you still value this friendship and want to cancel, pay your 1/3. It’s the right thing to do after you agreed to it, even if you are pissed (which I totally get).

          • Anonymous

            Given the fact that she booked a place suitable for two and then invited a third person without consulting you, I think you are justified in canceling and not paying. The extra person is essentially pushing you out of your spot.

          • Anon0321

            Ya but the op WAS asked AND agreed. Not to be nitpicky, but this is a case of deciding if you still want to be friends with friend #1. I’d probably hold a grudge in this situation if someone agreed to something then backed out without a real reason after agreeing to everything until the last minute.

          • Anon

            I agree with Anonymous at 1:49. And, I’d be inclined to tell her that, but be prepared that it may make things worse between you and the current co-worker. So, in reality, the better approach is probably to cancel but use another excuse.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I would go Friday morning by myself. Get your own inexpensive place if you need to stay overnight and the whole thing is as awkward as it appears. Phrase it as: “It looks like plans are changing and my priority was to get as much skiing in as possible. I’m going to stick with my original plan. Maybe see you on the slopes!” As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned the value of saying things as close to the truth as possible. People respect that and tend to give you very little shit when you’re clear about your priorities.

    • Anon

      I would bow out. I wouldn’t spend a whole weekend being uncomfortable. This reminds me of when someone who dislikes me (maybe the feeling is mutual) ended up going on a business trip with me and our colleague last minute and she made it miserable the whole time. I felt like a third wheel somehow even though I was one of the original trip planners. Friend 1 made it a group thing when you had agreed to a one on one thing. This kind of thing irks me, honestly.

    • Anonymous

      Well I think you shouldn’t have agreed to invite someone you don’t like. I understand it’s uncomfortable to say no in that situation, but it’s even more uncomfortable to spend a weekend with someone like that. I also wonder what friend said to coworker – maybe she didn’t mention you were coming until just recently? That could explain the grimace. I also wonder if friend mentioned that the plan was to leave Friday morning. Again, if coworker didn’t take the day off and now you’re telling her at the last minute that she should, that could explain why she’s annoyed with you.

      Do you all have to travel together? Can you just drive up by yourself and enjoy a coworker-free day of skiing? Then they can come up whenever works for them.

    • Anon

      Pay your 1/3. Go up Friday morning as planned and enjoy the day either alone or with your friend. If things get intolerable once Grimace and her SO arrive, feel free to leave Saturday morning. You definitely need to have your own car though. Don’t carpool with anyone.

      And next time use your words. When she said Grimace wanted to come along? That was your opening to say no thanks.

      • Anon

        Generally speaking, responding to your comment about the party and “doing more” – if you are doing a thing and starting to feel resentful, stop doing that thing. However, counting how many bottles of wine people bring to a party is remarkably petty. You need to gain some perspective on this.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks for that needless comment. I already said that’s a separate issue I’m working on. I gladly “do more” for real friends. It’s a bit heartbreaking to find out someone isn’t a real friend, and it isn’t that kind of party where people share and willingly contribute. I’m a singleton in a couples world, so it hurts to help set up for a party where a couple brings nothing and I’m left cleaning up after them. I thought this was a real friend, but now I’m seeing I’m just the convenient 3rd wheel who is competent and plans and picks up after people.

          This is a 4 hour drive each way. Part of the fun was going to be the driving together. Does anyone here want to drive 8 hours alone for what’s supposed to be a fun gf’s weekend?

          • Anon

            I think if you view your world through a lens of who is a “real” friend and who is not, it’s going to make things needlessly heartbreaking for you. There’s a spectrum of friendship and even with one individual, it can vary over time. Stop expecting any one person to provide everything you need, and try to enjoy what they *can* provide you, while trying to not resent what they can’t. Otherwise I worry you’ll end up pretty isolated and lonely.

          • busybee

            Honestly it seems like you have some deeper issues of feeling left out and underappreciated, and they are coming to a head with this. I agree 100% with PPs who pointed out that your tit-for-tat assessment of who is a “real friend” or not is petty and uptight and doing you nothing but harm.
            Why didn’t you take the opportunity to talk to this woman at work? Maybe she did something that you interpreted as a grimace, but you could have said something like “I hear you’re coming to the mountains this weekend!” or something like that. Open the door to conversation here.
            Yes it’s annoying that Grimace is coming. But as others have mentioned, you could have used your words and said you didn’t want her to come. Now you should make the most of it. Don’t project your other insecurities on this weekend and make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

    • Anon

      I’d go on the trip and make friends with the unpleasant woman. Sometimes people are just sour until you get to know them. Maybe give your friends a heads-up saying that you’re getting the sense that this woman hates you and you want her help to make it as friendly and enjoyable an experience as possible.

    • Ellen

      She is clearly jelous of you and her boyfreind, who is platonic with you, but she feels threatened if you two are close over the weekend. Unless you are interested in HIM, try and make clear to both her and him that you have some other guy you are dating, even if your not, so that she will not feel threatened, and he will not do anything he might later be ashamed of. After all, there are long cold nights up in a ski lodge and with a little alchohol, you never know.

    • Anonymous

      With a 4 hour drive each way and lodging with only 2 beds… I would not go. I’d use the script someone else suggested (“It looks like plans are changing and my priority was to get as much skiing in as possible.”) but then tweak it to just say “I’m going to sit this one out.” I would not offer to pay 1/3 for the lodging, that would be totally unnecessary in this circumstance where it was a 2 bed place in the first place and inexpensive to boot.

      Yes, you should have said something when Friend invited the other person who is Not-Your-Friend. But that doesn’t mean you have put up with this sh!t.

  19. Finanical Planning

    What do I owe parents who failed to plan for retirement? They both spent/are spending many, many years unemployed because they couldn’t find a job that “really fulfilled” them. They are ok for now living off savings, but it’s going to be gone by the time they hit ~75, especially with their tendency to splurge, health issues, etc. Despite years of my repeated haranguing them about job hunting, saving, and financial planning, they are in complete denial. I could theoretically afford to give some support but it’s infuriating when this train wreck is 100% predicatable. I need a better plan for when it comes.

    • Anon

      I am not sure how old they are, and if they can get a job (even a low-lying one), but you bluntly tell them that you will not be helping them out beyond a nominal amount unless they get a job, even if u fulfilling; see a financial planner; make financial plans to save them from themselves (e.g., tie their money up so they can’t splurge); and figure out their health issues.

      • Anon

        Further, what you owe them: nothing. The younger generations do not imperil their own financial security for the bad decisions of older generations.

        It’s another issue if parents just had a really rough go of things for reasons beyond their control, but that is a different situation.

      • Anonymous

        When you get “there”, you can also pay for things but do so directly – landlord, groceries, medical insurance, etc. Whatever helps you sleep at night in this situation.

    • anon

      No answer, but commiseration – my MIL has consistently spent any additional money that comes her way (cashing out her retirement plans when changing jobs, for instance, and spending the money on vacations, electronics, etc). When we tried to persuade her not to do this, she always said that she’d just live under a bridge when she ran out of money (haha, I guess?). Now she’s 80, and needs assistance, and it’s maddening. We’re helping out (my husband visits her once a week, and takes her out for lunch and then buys her groceries, helps her with her bills, etc), and I feel bad for how resentful even that makes me… and this is before she starts having health issues and we need to look into assisted living facilities.

      • Anon

        This is my MIL. She’s living off money from FIL’s life insurance. $500k for the rest of her life. She’s 56. She can work, just doesn’t want to; has made up in her head that she wouldn’t do well at a job. She asked about social programs to help her out (she has too many assets with that cash and she’s too young to get FIL’s SS benefits – won’t hit until 60 -so there are none for her) and she recently moved to a deep south state with even less support than other states. We had to explain to her that when she moved from home state to new state that some assistance is no longer available (namely remotely affordable health insurance). She asked why, so we eventually got into a red state vs. blue state convo. She voted for and has blindly supported Trump/republicans to this point. She pivoted to trashing him/repubs. on the spot (I’m conservative, this is not a political commentary on my part…). Just total and utter lack of education and, even worse, lack of desire to be educated or self-improve.

        What happens when the money is gone keeps me up at night. DH is so tired of this that he’s sort of at peace with it and doesn’t let him stress him out, which I know I should draft off of but I also think his sense of peace is avoidance. She’ll 100% turn to us when it’s all gone. Zero advice, but commiseration.

        • Anon

          But you and your husband get to control what you do if/when she turns to you. You can have some sense of peace knowing that you’ll get to make the decisions, although I’m sure it will be difficult.

      • emma

        Same- my in laws have good jobs (both lawyers) but have not saved a dime from what I can see (and I think they might actually be in a lot of debt). They are in their 60s now and whenever we’ve tried to talk to them about their plan, they just say they will keep working and get annoyed with us… but how long can someone feasibly work? If we can, we will help them, however we can… but it is frustrating and like watching a car accident in slow mo. They are the kind of family that doesn’t like to talk about money… at the very least it has convinced my husband that talking about money is a good thing.

      • OP

        Appreciate deeply all the commiseration. My parents have also totally given me the I’ll-just-live-under-a-bridge and the I’ll-keep-working-til-I-keel-over lines. Thank you.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on your finances and what you want to do. If you can afford it, and depending on what (if any) assets they have, maybe pay for them to consult with a Medicaid planning/elder law attorney to make sure they’re ready when the time comes.

      • OP

        I would LOVE to do this but they refuse to go. Thoughts on what to say to get them to such an appointment when reasons based on logic/basic financial planning/math aren’t enough?

        • Anon

          “You didn’t raise me to be the kind of person who would let her parents work until they die while living under a bridge. So this affects me, too.”

        • Anonymous

          I’d start with the importance of estate planning – that will not only help them as they get older, but it’ll also give YOU (and any siblings) peace of mind. The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys has some consumer brochures, including one on estate planning (link to follow). Long-term care planning is part of estate planning, and it should be done before anyone needs long-term care. Medicaid eligibility rules are quite complex, and they can change pretty frequently, so it’s not something you want to be sorting out when a parent is in the hospital, and the social workers are trying to figure out discharge plans. An elder law attorney would bring long-term care planning up at an initial meeting, so (without knowing your parents, of course) I think the key is getting them to the attorney’s office by convincing them that they’re doing you a favor by going through this process ahead of time..

    • Anonymous

      You owe it to them to visit them wherever they can afford to live off social security.

    • anon

      Assume that your parents will not change and will continue with their current behavior. Have a discussion with yourself (and your SO if you have one) about what you are willing to do and what the limits are on how you will support them. Are you willing to give them an allowance so to speak, or are you only willing to pay directly to the provider for things (e.g., I will pay the note on your house directly to the bank but I will not give you money). We are in a similar but different situation on both sides of our family. My parents having little retirement savings mostly due to the combination of layoffs and paying for our undergrad, extracurriculars and such so we’ve accepted that we will likely have two dependents in 20 years to pay them back for everything. Whereas SO’s parents have savings that will likely run out because of travel, enjoying life, etc. which is an entirely different calculus.

      • OP

        I’m puzzled by the “pay them back for everything.” Is summer camp and college tuition a debt we owe our parents? Or is it more that the financial problems they now face were unpredictable and out of their control?

        • Anon

          I think this totally depends on your relationship to family and your worldview, which is fine. It can be different for different people. I think I personally feel a sense of obligation to my parents, who did spend a considerable amount of their financial resources on me when I was a kid/young adult. Obviously I didn’t make them do that, but that also changes how I feel about my responsibilities should they ever need my help. But I don’t think that applies to everybody; other people get to make their own decisions.

        • Anon

          I agree with this approach. If my parents couldn’t save for retirement because they paid for my college, I would likely help them more than if they didn’t save for retirement because they were spending recklessly.

      • J-Non

        +1 here. My parents worked hard their whole lives and gave everything they could to me and my sibling. There was never enough to save, but my parents never splurged and barely spent on themselves. Maybe 3-4 vacations in 30 years. My parents relocated to live near me and my dad is retired on SS and my mom got laid off at 68. My hubs and I planned in advance and we’re able to help. I took over their mortgage and they are leaving their house to me (not to split with sibling, who isn’t helping). This was a way to help that we all feel good about. We are treating it like an investment, my parents can feel good taking the help since we’ll get it back someday. They also had 2 old cars that died within months of each other. The first one, I paid a large down payment so they could do the monthly. The second was unexpected and after a job loss, so I just pay for it. Modest cars, but safe and reliable.
        I choose to do this. I can afford it, even if it means I forego luxuries like jewelry or postpone a bigger house for us. I don’t “owe them” for anything, but on the other hand, I “owe them” for everything. They always did their best for me, they never splurged on themselves, they raised me right and are amazing grandparents. I am fortunate to be in a position to do this. I am different from OP, who’s parental unit kind of caused the situation, but I am a +1 to being happy to help in this situation where I can.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh. So, my parents divorced when I was 23. At the time, they were on track for retirement. They had a combined HHI of about $200-250k, with my dad bringing in $150-200k.

      My dad continued to work, and because of state laws, continues to pay my mom $30k in alimony, which he will do until she remarried or starts to collect social security, whichever is first (she’s 61 now). For a few years, my mom had a job making $50k which put her income at $80k. She was laid off 3 years ago and because she refuses to work “a desk job” and requires “a lot of flexibility,” she’s only worked on and off part time, no benefits. So she earns 40-50k (30 of which is alimony). Her retirement savings are *less than* the portion of what she got as her portion of the divorce settlement over a decade ago. When they split their assets, she kept hers in cash (in an IRA) for like, 8 years. And contributed nothing else.

      Meanwhile, my dad stuck his in the market, has continued to stuff money in etc.

      My in-laws have been retired since 2002 and are self made millionaires (millionaire next door style).

      I am one of 4 kids and my mom’s plan is to move in with one of us. Whenever she says this, we just roll our eyes but honestly- she’s not moving in with me. I don’t know how this will play out, because I very clearly tell her this, and yet…she keeps assuming someone will free up a room for her. It’s insane.

      • SFchic

        If I were you, I would check online what senior subsidized apartment buildings are in your Mom’s town, or in the town you/your siblings live in. Then the day she starts receiving social security and loses the alimony, you call and put her on the waiting list for a 1 bedroom subsidized apartment. Then she is set. For life. Once she gets in. With her low income she should qualify for a reasonable subsidy for an Obamacare health plan at that point, until she becomes eligible for Medicare. And many towns with senior housing also have subsidized senior services, so a rep from the dept of aging can visit and get her hooked in services she qualifies for.

        And in subsidized senior housing, she should do ok on social security alone, as she will likely be getting social security based on your father’s high earnings. She will be fine. The majority of seniors are in worse shape than your mom, and they do fine.

        I completely agree with being clear with her if she cannot live with you. Soon, you and your siblings need to get together and talk about The Plan, so everyone is on the same page.

        But the wild card is health. My parents were struck with severe and devastating illnesses in their early 60’s. Even if you plan and are frugal, you never know.

    • anonforthis

      My parents are slightly different, but it puts me in the same boat. I think you have to decide what you really feel like you owe them. Setting aside their poor planning, were they good parents? Are you close with them? What can you truly afford, taking into account your financial goals and your retirement?

      I can commiserate. My parents are mid-70s. They are OK for now. My dad has a few hundred thousand saved, a small pension, and they live in a LCOL area. My mom has not worked for over 40 years, and my dad works a part-time job for extra income. He has some health issues so the amount he can work is limited, but he does the best he can. I am convinced my mom has something like Munchausen’s syndrome – she claims to be severely disabled (back, hip, knee, GI, etc problems), but my dad has taken her to doctors all over the country and no one can find anything wrong with her. She claims to be disabled to the point she can’t dress herself, bend down at all, life anything, etc., so she cannot live on her own let alone get a job. She refuses to get a psychological evaluation and my dad won’t push it. She won’t do PT or OT. My dad will likely pass away before her, she will not talk with him or us about long-term care options, so it will be an absolute nightmare for my husband and I when this happens – both logistically and financially.

      • OP

        Wow, it’s late, but just wanted to send some internet hugs. This is rough. The denial and dysfunction you describe resonate. I’m so sorry you and your husband are in such an impossible situation. And thanks for the good questions up top.

  20. mavatx

    I have a friend struggling with her relationship with her mom, who I am pretty sure is a narcissist. I remember seeing a book recommended here several times, but cannot find it now. A search on the webs leads me to a number of options but would love to give her a specific title others have liked. Any recommendations? Thank you!

    • KW

      Is it Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride? That one was very helpful for me (the daughter of a narcissistic mother).

      • anne-on

        +1, I found it very helpful…more so than the eh therapist I had a few sessions with to discuss the issues ;)

        • CL

          +1, I found it very helpful…more so than the eh therapist I had a few sessions with to discuss the issues ;)

  21. Anonymous

    Dating question. Is there a nice way to tell guys on dating apps that you’re not willing to disclose certain information to internet strangers but you’d be happy to chat more once you get comfortable with them? I’ve had a lot of guys ask small talk-like questions that I probably wouldn’t mind if I met someone through friends but I’m definitely not comfortable disclosing to an internet stranger. Things like where do you live within General Area that you told me? Which firm do you work for? Where is your office located – not just “downtown” – which building/street? Which gym do you go to? I think 99% of these guys are just trying to make conversation and it doesn’t occur to them that that’s not the kind of thing you should ask someone online vs. in person.

    I think my evasive answers come off as sort of rude or closed off, so I think it might be better to politely tell them, I’m not comfortable discussing that level of detail with an internet stranger but maybe we can talk about it once we get to know each other better. I just worry that people don’t really like being called “internet strangers” or having someone imply that they might be dangerous. Does anyone have a good way to address this? Thanks!

    • Anon

      I don’t have a good answer for you–my approach is to answer the questions within my comfort zone which sounds like it may be more specific than yours. For example, I live in a building with 500+ units. So, do I care if they know which building I’m in? Nope. Good luck, buddy. Even delivery people have to ask the office how to find my unit. I used to work downtown. Where downtown do you work? On ___ street/in ___ building. Pretty much any street or any building in a large downtown area is sufficiently large that I’m comfortable sharing that info. Just choose an answer that is vague enough for your comfort but specific enough to satisfy what you think they’re getting at–which is most likely not trying to stalk you. Which gym do you go to? A gym with hundreds of members? I’ll answer directly. A small neighborhood gym? I say that and then talk about why I like it or some other detail. Listen to your intuition but maybe relax your boundaries a bit. To be clear, if they are asking for a whole series of specific information, that would probably set off alarm bells in my head and I’d deflect/divert the convo until I could make a call about whether I want to continue talking to them at all. Generally, when someone has asked me for specific info like this it is one piece, not three or four.

      Are there certain questions in particular that bother you? I might have suggestions for those, specifically, if you care to share.

      • OP

        Yeah I live in a much smaller area so I don’t have the benefit of big city anonymity. I live in a SFH in a cute little suburban neighborhood, go to the tiny local gym, and the “downtown” area is like 3 blocks. So, when I say something like, I live in General Area, that’s already less than 500 homes – I think it’s weird to ask for something more specific than that. Same with “downtown” – there are like 5 (~10 story) buildings downtown, why do you need to know which I’m in?

        I like your suggestion to use more general terms, like “small neighborhood gym”, that are descriptive but not too specific. I need to come up with something similar for where I live – like I said my general area is already small so I find it weird that they’re asking what street I’m on/which specific neighborhood I’m in.

        • Anonymous

          I just tell them something I’m near. “I live right near Downtown Tacos! Have you been? It’s excellent.”

          I assume they’re just trying to make conversation so I give them a new conversational turn.

        • Anon

          I’m Anon at 12:30. Unless I could figure out why they are asking I’d be annoyed, too. They are probably trying to make a connection on some level. I think I accidentally do this to people who are new to my city (there are lots of them, I live in very transplant-heavy city and I’m native) because I know the area so much better than they do that their answers don’t make sense but I’m still trying to figure out what kind of work outs they like, what restaurant they may want to try, who I know that lives near them, etc. It’s sort of my way of getting to know someone, but I totally see how it’d be intrusive.

          Also, and I mean this as education to me, not as judgey to you (at all! really!) but what are you worried about? I sometimes worry that I am missing some basic rules about personal safety but also don’t think I’ve experienced many close calls and I’ve done lots of online dating (I’m 36 and have been mostly single as an adult). My one close call was with someone who (emotionally and sexually) abused his ex-wife. It took a good bit of digging in divorce records to find that info and he knew my last name, phone number, etc. by the time I got enough of a gut feeling to do the deep dive into court records. Thankfully, he went away easily but it spooked me enough to look into background checking–which turned up exactly nothing interesting about him.

          • OP

            I’m concerned that a guy won’t leave me alone if I decide to not see him again. Ime a lot of men have a hard time taking no for an answer. They bulldoze right through personal boundaries. I don’t want crazed texting, or someone showing up at/sending stuff to my house/work/gym in some misguided attempt to relive their favorite romcom. I’ve had guys show up on my doorstep when they were specifically told they are not welcome. I’ve had guys send flowers to my office when I said I didn’t want to see them anymore – after only a handful of dates, when they had never been to my office, i.e., they had to do some googling to find the address.

            It’s embarrassing to have to explain to your coworkers that no actually I don’t have a BF idk why this guy is sending me flowers. It’s scary to have a guy show up at your door – when you live alone – and not leave until you threaten to call the police. Even if he “just wants to talk” it’s still scary to have that sort of uncertainty – I already told you I don’t want to see you, and you didn’t listen, what other clearly not OK thing are you going to do?

            It’s exhausting enough to deal with the possibility that this might happen with a guy you’re in an actual relationship with. I don’t want to have to deal with that BS – or fear dealing with that BS – for a guy I might never even go on a date with.

    • CountC

      My sense of humor is to make fun of uncomfortable things to diffuse. If it were me, and I wasn’t comfortable disclosing, I would say something like, “I can’t tell you that yet, how do I know you aren’t a serial killer!!” If that’s not your personality, I think it’s perfectly fine to say that you prefer not to disclose that type of information until after you have gotten to know each other better. I usually don’tt give my phone number out until I meet someone in person. It helps cut down on pre-meeting BS chit chat, and it allows me to see how they respect my boundaries.
      If someone gets offended that I am choosing to not make myself uncomfortable in a situation, well, that’s not someone I want to get to know better.

    • Anon

      Um, I never had anyone ask those questions online and I wouldn’t feel comfortable answering them either. When I did have one or two questions that I didn’t feel like answering, I made the serial killer joke above. But yeah, if they’re asking those types of detailed questions (where you go to the gym?!), that sets off all sorts of alarm bells for me.

      • Monday

        +1. I find that well-meaning guys completely understand that you don’t want to give out details early on. If someone is simply new to online dating and hasn’t thought of that issue, all it will take is once for them to get the message. Anyone who claims not to understand, or pushes for info, is suspect.

    • Anon

      You can either answer the spirit of the question – if asked what firm you work in or where it is, say that it’s near (fun place for after work hanging out) or describe how much you like the culture.

      Alternatively, something about, “There’s a lot of weirdos out there! I wouldn’t be talking to you if I thought you were one, but I try to not disclose anything that could lead to someone camping out in my firm’s lobby.”

    • Anon0321

      Maybe just move up the pint where you go for coffee/drinks so there’s less online and and forth?

  22. Patty Mayonnaise

    Any recs for resorts/hotels in the Bahamas or Bermuda? We’re looking for Zika free quick trip to a warm place from the East Coast. Thanks so much!!

    • Anon

      There is not zika in Bermuda. I stayed at the Fairmont Southhampton and loved it! Beautiful beach (that is a quick 5 min shuttle ride away), nice restaurants. Can’t say enough good things! Also idk if you’ve been to Bermuda, but it’s such an easy trip. I had a direct flight from JFK and it was so quick. Then on the way back, you go through US customs in Bermuda, so when the plane lands in NY, you just walk right off. Amazing.

  23. Anon for this

    Those of you who do your own taxes, do you use an online service? I’m in NYS if that matters. I had used an accountant for years but this year my financial picture has simplified (W2 income and nothing else, not itemizing, nothing special to deduct) so I would like to do them myself.

    • Anon

      I use TurboTax, which is super hand-holdy and walks you through everything. That said your situation is so simple, I’d almost just try to fill out the 1040 yourself. Our situation isn’t super complicated, but we have HSA funds to account for, mortgage interest and property taxes to deduct and a 529 fund for our child that gets us a state tax credit, so I like the safety net of using TurboTax.

      • Mpls

        I use TurboTax, which is super hand-holdy and walks you through everything. That said your situation is so simple, I’d almost just try to fill out the 1040 yourself. Our situation isn’t super complicated, but we have HSA funds to account for, mortgage interest and property taxes to deduct and a 529 fund for our child that gets us a state tax credit, so I like the safety net of using TurboTax.

    • emma

      Turbotax is supers easy to use and we use it every year (even w/ a nanny & a few complications thrown in). We are totally capable of doing our own filing (we actually help others file theirs through a program w/ the united way) and it’s just so worth it to spend the $40 (or free w/ some banks) for the time savings w/ turbo tax.

    • Anon

      I will also recommend turbo tax. I’ve had some fairly complicated years and have still found turbo tax pretty easy to follow and having sufficient guidance. I buy the audit defense for peace of mind.

    • VA Anon

      I use TurboTax with the AAA discount for state and federal.

      For those who do itemize (like me), remember the standard deductions increased so it may not be to your advantage to itemize this year. Do your homework.

      • emma

        The great thing about turbo tax is that you put all the deductions in and then it will tell you which option is better!

    • Anon

      As a disclaimer, I am an attorney and nominally familiar with income tax (it’s not directly my area but I do work with certain aspects of it regularly). Until a few years ago when I started my own firm, I did my own taxes using a combination of TurboTax and the fill-able forms from the IRS. I would run through the TurboTax questionnaire and then quit right before the end and fill out the 1040 myself. (Essentially using TurboTax as a check-my-math tool.) If you have one W-2 and are going standard deduction, it’s probably quite easy to fill out the forms yourself. TurboTax will ask you many many questions that are not applicable to you to see if you qualify for certain deductions. It can be handy to know, for example, that the student loan interest deduction is not allowable if you are a single filer making over $80k/year. Keeps you from having to dig around and find all your 1098-Es when it doesn’t matter anyways because you’re making $100k+. All of that said, spending $40 to have TurboTax do it for you can be a valuable time saver and emotional labor saver.

    • Tippins

      I’ve always done mine myself through TurboTax, but used a bookkeeper the last two years. She charged $85 to prepare and file, and found errors/missed deductions totaling several hundred dollars. I don’t plan to do them myself ever again!

    • Pompom

      I use the HR Block online one. Pretty handy-holdy, like TT. Been using it for…8 years?

      • NOLA

        Same. I do mine on Mardi Gras day every year. Even when I had a change in income (my Dad’s IRA), they were great and answered really quickly.

    • AnonPara

      My tax situation also got un-complicated within the past two years and I just use the free H&R Block online version. Similar to TurboTax but free. I have one W-2, a couple 1099s (for interest income) and I rent.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Yup, this will be my third year using Credit Karma. Basically Turbo Tax, but 100% free!

    • anonanon

      I’ve used TurboTax in the past but this year we have a home sale to deal with and we can take the capital gains exclusion. Has anyone done that in TT?

      • Anon

        I’m sure Turbo Tax is capable of it, but I doubt it’s part of the free version. You will likely have to pay for a more “advanced” version of Turbo Tax.

      • Anon0321

        Yes, we had capital gains one year- I believe we used the more expensive version of turbo tax (we file in 2 states and have a nanny too so we’ve had to get the upgraded version for years anyway).

  24. Tunics! Capes! Ponchos!

    I recently started WFH a lot more– and I am looking for some comfortable but still stylish large sweater/shirts to throw on over leggings or skinny jeans. I always see women in the airport in big drapey garments that I covet but can’t seem to find in stores. Price point under $50. Suggestions?

  25. Anon

    So, I am gluten sensitive and I know a lot of people are going to roll their eyes at that, and a couple of years ago I would have been the same. But I did a doctor supervised food elimination diet for some gut issues and they come back every time I eat bread, so… (I also get acne and joint aches if I eat a lot, which would still be less than most people)

    My doctor suggested I see if I can tolerate sourdough bread, once slice per week. I have also read that sprouted bread is easier than regular bread.

    Any suggestions on products that are, I guess, gluten-lite? Or how to reintroduce gluten in baby steps? I’ve been 95% gluten free for close to two years now, with occasional lapses due either to accidental ingestion (mostly in sauces) or that occasional I-just-want-a-hamburger-damn-it thing that i always end up regretting.

      • Anon

        Because I miss it and also because most gluten substitutes are rice based and too much rice isn’t great either. I’d like to be able to eat at a restaurant occasionally and not worry too much about it. I’d like to be able to eat a croissant in Paris or a plate of pasta in Italy. My doctor says a lot of his patients can do this because the varieties of wheat in Europe are older and bred with less gluten. He suggested trying baby steps here.

        • eertmeert

          Can you get Fran’s gluten free bread? I’ve been GF for a long time and it’s the best I’ve found. Not much rice flour and has good texture. My husband is not GF and he likes it too.
          Also, Trader Joe’s has a GF bread that is just about as good. These breads taste even better lightly toasted.

          I avoid any GF product where the main ingrediant is rice (except for GF pasta, then it’s fine). If I wanted to eat sand I would go to the beach.

        • Anonymous

          If this is your standard (that you want to eat pasta in Italy), I think you just do it, assuming you are willing to accept the risks. If the risk is being achy and splotchy, you might say darn it I am eating pasta on my vacation, and then just go clean again. I’m not sure what your question is. This is a cost/benefit analysis issue that only you can answer.

    • Anon

      It may be worth it to look into using einkorn flour. I’ve heard of people with gluten sensitivities liking that in favor of regular flour.

    • Anonymous

      Buy regular flour. When you are baking cookies/cake/ muffins, use your regular gluten free flour and add a half teaspoon of regular floor. Next time add a teaspoon, then a half tablespoon etc.

      Also, try different types of breads, it may be that you are less sensitive to rye, barley, oat etc vs wheat.

    • anon

      So, a few thoughts. Sourdough is indeed a good place to start since the fermentation process breaks things down so that it’s easier to digest. (Also, better for your teeth, if you’re prone to cavities). Same with sprouted breads. Some people that think they have gluten issues actually have reactions to the emulsifiers put in bread dough to make it rise faster. (These people often also have issues with particular brands of toothpaste, and non-fat dairy, since some emulsifiers are uses in those products as well). If you eat bread fine in Europe but not in the US, that’s a hint this might be your issue. I *think* it was in the book DNA restart by Moalem where there is a good discussion of this issue. If that’s your situation, then you might be fine as long as you make bread yourself or find brands which don’t use emulsifiers (e.g. ask at a local bakery). Good luck!

    • Celia

      I am wheat intolerant, so I have to be incredibly careful when I go out. However, I’ve found that spelt is a wonderful substitute, so I can still make my own bread, fried chicken, sauces, etc. I get it in multiple packages from Bob’s Red Mill.

    • Anonymous

      I can’t eat gluten or sugar without consequences the next day. Sometimes I eat sugar anyway but always regret it. You just need to adapt and give up the gluten. It’s been tough and I miss having bread, doughnuts, eating out, etc. If you are hurting yourself with the food you eat, you need to stop eating that food, even if everyone else in the world (seemingly) get to eat it.

  26. Anon for this

    Me to husband (Thurs): Babe I’m busy could you do this paperwork for the kids?
    Him: Sure.
    Me (Sat): Babe did you do that paperwork? I got an email saying it needs to be done in 7 days.
    Him: OK.
    Me (Sun): You know you have to drop the kid off at the place where the paperwork is due – could you do it?
    Him: I’ll try. (Later): I only got halfway through.
    Me (Mon): Where are all the printouts, I’ll pick up where you left off?
    Him: I didn’t print anything yet.
    Me: So I’ll do it myself then?
    {{{FACEPALM}}}

    • emma

      My husband is a total procrastinator and I’m the opposite and it drives me nuts. Some methods I employ:
      1- I say directly “you don’t have to do this this very second, but you need to finish ___ by next Thursday, I’ll check in w/ you about it on ___.”
      2- I assign him all the things he cares about that I don’t really, and I do most of the stuff that I feel has to be done.
      3- I’d have him fail– if you keep picking up the slack at the last minute, it becomes a cycle.

      • Airplane

        Hmm, 1 and 2 still don’t work for me because it makes me seem like the defacto manager at home – delegating, assigning and checking in on. NO, NO, NO. Does that not bother you? Genuinely curious.
        Only 3 seems right but it seems unfair to an third party – our kid – to bear the consequences. Then again, below commenter says a heartbroken kid who missed out is way more effective to impress on DH…so, there’s that.

        • Anonymous

          But the current way is unfair to you. It’s not your job to constantly rescue him. Let him bear the consequences of his actions. It’s okay for your kid to be hurt sometimes by a parent letting them down. It is was a regular thing, that would be problematic but it’s okay for them to see that parents are human and mess up too. If kid asks why DH forgot, I just say “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him.”

    • Anonymous

      Stop enabling him. What’s the worst thing that happens if the papers aren’t turned in and he has to address it?

    • Anonymous

      Advice that it took 6 months of therapy for me to accept – do one reminder then let him fail if he doesn’t own it. I told DH that I was no longer going to do multiple reminders and that he would have to answer to the kids if he dropped the ball on something. Turns out a heartbroken 5 year old who missed out on going swimming with her friends is way more effective impression on DH than my constant reminders. I was super worried about letting down the kids but my therapist pointed out that it is on DH not me and it’s a good way for kids to build resilence – to have small, not life changing disappointments that they deal with and move forward.

      • Anon

        +1 to all of this, but particularly the part about it building resilience in your kids.

    • Anon

      I know this is not the point of the post, but do people who aren’t teenagers really call their partners ‘babe’? It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.

      • Anon

        Yes, it’s one of those “cool for you, not for me” things. It’s also one of those “this is extremely common and just because you don’t do it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with it” sort of things.

      • Horse Crazy

        Doesn’t someone on here have the username “Worry About Yourself”? You might want to try that.

      • Anon

        It is nails on the chalkboard to me too because the people I know who do this all have terrible relationships. I know correlation does not equal causation but it is such a weird observation. OP, I’m not saying you have a terrible relationship. I’m talking about people I know in real life.

    • Anon

      This is called “I have no incentive to do it because if I wait long enough my wife will do it for me”. Don’t give in, don’t reward the procrastination.

    • Anonymous

      Try – “why do you think it’s OK to make me do this even though you agreed to handle it days ago?”

    • Anon

      You: Babe, I’m doing the thing and taking the kids, but you really let us down on this. You may think it’s no big deal, but things like this really affect how I feel about our relationship. I feel unloved and undervalued. I want you to take me seriously and think about this, because I am dead serious.

    • January

      As a (single and childless )procrastinator, I have to ask – is the paperwork something that could have been completed Tuesday or Wednesday night for a Thursday deadline? If so, I think you may have jumped in too soon.

    • Anonymous

      This is why splitting tasks on a one-off basis doesn’t work. You are micromanaging him (it’s not due for five more days!), which is probably annoying to him, creates mental clutter for you, and enables him not to take full responsibility. Better for each partner to take full responsibility for an entire category of tasks. Kid paperwork could be one such category, or you could split it into sports paperwork + other paperwork, etc. The key is a clear division of labor along with full autonomy and responsibility over designated tasks.

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