Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Hera Ponte Dress

370 Comments

1. This looks very pretty but I don’t see how you can wear a regular bra with it and I just can’t do strapless for work. I suppose you could do clear straps but this just seems like too much trouble. Plus – and I know I’m in the minority here – I just hate ponte. Maybe this is “nice” ponte but to I still prefer wool or cotton for work dresses.

   1. I don’t understand–why would a regular bra be a problem with this dress?

      1. If you click the link and look at the dress up close, there is a band of lace above the bust that is partially see through.

         1. I am perhaps just not conservative enough, but I don’t feel like it’s see-through enough or the holes are big enough that a bra strap would really be visible. But I agree on not wearing a strapless bra to work, and I’m also not a big ponte fan.

            1. It’s times like these I wish I could try before buying Boden, because if it weren’t too see-through, I’d chance it. I mean, my bra straps are visible from space, but I’d still want to try it on.

               In other news, the plus size option is *cute* but for a holiday party and not work (imo). not quite the same.

   2. I think this dress is really pretty too (and I love ponte), but I wouldn’t be able to wear this to work because of the bra thing. Granted, I tend to be really conservative in my workwear choices, but the see-through aspect of the lace would make me really self-conscious (see also keyhole necklines). I wish they had lined the lace like they had done at the waist.

      1. Yes, what is it with these “charming details” that render something completely unwearable.

         1. Unwearable for you. I’ll take your dress then.

   3. I wear shirts with this detail all the time with a nude for me bra and you can’t really see the bra at all.

      1. Same.

   4. Yeah, I’d just let my bra straps show. I might get a bra the same color as the dress, or I might just go with a nude bra and be a wild thing.

      1. Hah! I am a total prude when it comes to work clothes. But I’d wear this dress without really thinking twice about it.

2. Grrr — maybe I need to get new pants dry-cleaned before I get them hemmed. At any rate, the lining on a pair of wool pants is, post-cleaners, slightly longer than the pants. I can tack it up with the iron-on hemming tape, which is annoying. Amazingly, the pants didn’t shrink otherwise and are wearable (although maybe with slightly shorter heels).

   The pants are the lined wool pants from BR.

   Questions:
   1. Will this continue to happen every time I dry clean?
   2. How much shorter than the pants *should* the lining be?
   3. Do I need to find a new dry cleaner?
   4. Should I dry clean everything before hemming / altering next time? I buy about a pair of pants / suit a season from BR just to keep a good / current suit rotation and often just wear as separates apart from Big Meetings.

   1. I wash washable items before getting them tailored, but I’ve never had that problem with dry clean only stuff. I’d complain to the dry cleaner. Maybe they’ll hem the lining for free.

      1. +1

      2. I agree – I’ve never had wool pants shrink after dry cleaning – this is why we dry clean them! Complain to your dry cleaner and request that the lining be hemmed for you.

   2. Occasionally I’ve had stuff shrink at the dry cleaners. I’ tend to blame the product over the cleaners, but who knows, maybe it’s the cleaners.

      1. I wonder if they dry clean wool based on men’s pants being more fully-wool and not at all stretchy, and something in “women’s wool” that makes it stretchy also makes it shrink?

   3. I think it’s the dry cleaners cutting corners. I’m tall and I’m really sensitive to my clothes shrinking. I used to use budget dry cleaners, but I quickly found that I couldn’t afford it! Never had a problem at a high quality dry cleaners.

   4. I have had this happen with wool pants, including the only shrinking in length. It only happened the first time, and yes, I think you need a higher quality dry cleaners. I do dry clean before hemming in case this happens.

3. I’m just hitting a rough patch between work, my one year old, my husband, my weight and my mood. I feel constantly anxious but also tired/lazy.

   I just want to put the little guy to bed and put on my pjs as soon as he’s down at 7 pm. I really resent waiting to eat dinner with my husband at 8-830. Making a simple dinner feels like a huge undertaking. I pretty much stopped excercising because it takes so much out of me,i.e. I’m ready to fall asleep by 8pm when I exercise, but I know it improves my mood. Somehow on the weekends I never manage to relax and the cycle just gets worse. I hired cleaning people but the house is still messy. I feel isolated when I stay home with my kid but worn out from social activities. I’m snapping at everyone and I’m gaining weight.

   Any tips? I’m open to anything but meds.

   1. My first thought is PPD, which can affect people well after the birth of the baby. I think you should call your doctor (either your OB or a GP).

   2. Have you thought about therapy? Could this be PPD?

      Can family/friends/your husband take the baby for an extended weekend where you can get some rest?

      Can you focus on one thing at a time? I.e. a week where you order dinner/pick up subs/whatever every night so that’s off your plate. A week where you exercise three days a week and commit to going to bed early. A weekend where you table everything but relaxing/hanging with your kid/a night out with friends.

      Can you find another, better cleaning service?

   3. Feeling so, so, so tired sometimes is the tip-off to me that my iron is low. Multivitamin or bean burrito? It may make you feel better.

      Also, no way in h*ll would I wait until 8 to eat. And I don’t cook that late, either. Cheese and crackers for me when I’m hungry (which I love and has no prep time/cleanup). I assume that your spouse can find adequate take-out or otherwise feed himself. You can visit while he has his late meal if you’re not in bed already. Why make this so hard?

   4. It sounds like depression. For basic self care, how can you lower your expectations for yourself?

      A few ways that jump out at me – can you not wait on your husband for dinner? Can you eat more simply and be OK with it? Can you just take a walk for exercise?

      1. I guess it’s hard bc he has a monster commute,mostly due to the fact that I insist on living in my hometown. so there’s a lot of guilt there with him coming come to a lonely dinner and also I miss him.

         1. You can still sit with him while he eats or nibble on cheese. Just because you aren’t eating a full meal with him doesn’t mean you can’t spend meaningful time with him while he eats.

            1. My SO and I do this a lot. His field requires a lot of nights, and my body just cannot wait until 9:45pm to eat. So I make food at 6pm, eat, and then sit with him while he throws stuff in the microwave and eats when he gets home. It’s really fine.

   5. No real tips, just sympathy. I learned I needed to vastly cut back on exercise for the time being (weird for me as a one-time ultramarathoner and acrobat). I just walk to the further subway (to ensure I get 5,000 steps outside in the day) and do one or two repeats of a five-minute body weight routine a few times a week. It’s not ideal, but I don’t think my body can handle more right now.

      Not sure why meds are off the table, but you could have your vitamin d and iron levels checked, then supplement accordingly. Could be thyroid, but i’m not sure how you treat that without meds…

      1. Sorry I meant anti-depression meds are out.

         1. Um – i could be wrong and i hope i’m wrong, but are they out bc your husband is against you taking them?

            1. Yea, if this is the case you need marriage counseling stat. Would your husband forbid you from taking medication for a heart problem? If, in fact, you have a chemical imbalance or other mental illness that is affecting you, him banning you from taking medication to help you heal is absolutely not acceptable.

               But like the poster above me, I hope this is not the case. At any rate, I would really recommend you reconsider this stance.

            2. Wait, why are people jumping to this? Did I miss something? She’s probably still nursing and thinks that she can’t take antidepressants. I know there’s at least one safe one, though.

            3. I jumped to it (with the caveat that i hope i’m wrong) bc her husband demonstrates other controlling behavior per her comments and bc she isn’t breastfeeding (again per her comments).

            4. Nope, she says below she didn’t breast feed.

            5. OK, scratch that because I read further down and now understand why people are jumping to this conclusion. It does not sound like your husband is being supportive enough. It also, though, sounds like depression (and I say this as the mother of a slightly younger infant who has some PPD/PPA going on herself).

               Someone recently told me that getting to your child’s first birthday is such a big deal not because of the child but because it can break marriages. This stuff is hard.

               I really feel like you need to take some meds to help you see straight. Among other things, depression lies. It makes you see other people’s comments and actions in the worst possible light. It makes it harder to brush them off. You are clearly beating yourself up. Other people may also be, or it may feel like that because of the depression. Once you get that under control, everything will become easier — finding time and energy to exercise, figuring out a schedule that works, deciding whether you need marital counseling, telling nursing nasties to f off and mind their own business.

               You don’t deserve to feel this way. Even if, for instance, your husband argued for living somewhere other than your hometown, that’s what you and he agreed. That’s a decision you made as a couple, and you move on from there because that’s a reality the two of you chose. You don’t deserve to be punished for having things happen the way you wanted — even if it’s just punishing yourself.

      2. It’s a good idea to get your thyroid levels checked if you haven’t lately. I just got diagnosed with hypothyroid and it’s like a eureka! moment explaining weight gain, tiredness, mild depression, etc.

   6. Why wait to eat dinner with your husband? I eat dinner at 6:15, before LO’s bedtime. If my husband’s home, we eat together, but if he isn’t he just eats when he comes home.

      1. This. Who ever is home eats with the kids. If someone comes home late on their own, they eat then. Could you eat with your kid, then after kids goes to bed, put on your pjs and have a cup of herbal tea while he eats dinner?

         For exercise, start small – try 20 minutes of walking on a treadmill while you watch a show on your IPad. A sitcom is 22 minutes long and laughter is good too. I love old Arrested Development episodes. Laughing and walking for a few minutes really helps.

      2. Yes, I pretty much never wait to eat dinner with my husband because otherwise I would just get hangry. I agree with the other poster that you should eat earlier and then nibble on something small and sit with him while he eats dinner. Does your husband want you to wait for him?

      3. This. We always ate dinner with our baby. Check out Ellyn Satter’s books for meal times with kids. It doesn’t have to be stressful, at all. You’ll be teaching your baby how to behave and eat food, you’ll be spending quality time as a family, and you’ll be eating at a decent hour before you’re starving. Maybe check out Blue Apron or Hello Fresh, to make cooking a meal easier?

         1. Although fair warning: those services save you the shopping and planning but there is a LOT of cooking involved. Not necessarily what I’d call “quick and easy” meals most of the time.

            1. Amen. Heck no to Blue Apron. Team Munchery!

            2. And team Kitchfix if you’re in Chicago!

            3. Agreed. We use Blue Apron but it’s definitely not quick. Instead, look into getting an instant pot. That’s our go to for busy nights.

         2. No no Blue Apron. I’d rather do amazon fresh and make simple meals.

   7. Agree with the responses above, but I might also try jump-starting the exercise somehow. I would try to think of it as something you are doing for yourself and not focus on weight loss for now. For me, it’s the perfect way to get out of a funk and get more energy, but it’s really hard to start when you’re feeling like you do. It’s also a good way to escape from needy kids and a messy house and leave it all behind for a bit. Maybe try setting a few attainable, uncomplicated goals, like get out for a 30-minute walk/jog at least on both weekend days? I might also try changing into workout clothes after baby is in bed, give husband a kiss as he gets home and get out of the house for a jog or a trip to the gym at least a few nights a week — dinner be d*mned.

      Have you talked to your husband about how to take some of the burden off you? Solo bedtime every night (plus waiting for/cooking for husband afterward) would take it out of me too — maybe he needs to step up to the plate more on weekends or something, or you guys need to lessen your expectations about eating together every night.

      1. Thanks for this. Yeah I like the idea of just sneaking out for a walk or jog a few nights a week-not making dinner an all or nothing thing. Also the hubs gets really opposed to babysitters but I might put my foot down and ask someone to watch him while he’s sleeping so I can sneak in a run.

         1. Maybe there’s a good story here, but I don’t think he gets to declare there are no baby sitters. If he’s worried about their qualifications, he can vet and choose the one he likes.

            My neighbor and I are considering trading off two-hour chunks of baby sitting once or twice a month so we can have free evening or weekend time. You might consider that, maybe you’d get more traction with him.

         2. You mention you live in your hometown. Do your parents live there? Could one of them come over one or two nights a week to help with putting down baby and hang out in the house while you step out for a 30-minute jog? At some point, your husband is going to have to get used to the idea of a babysitter, especially if he ever wants to have a date with his wife in the next 13 or so years…

         3. That is a big OH HELL NO on your husband being opposed to babysitters. If husband won’t watch him while you go for a run, you get a babysitter. He doesn’t get to dictate that you have to spend every moment with the baby if he’s not there. No no no no no.

            1. A former teacher from kiddos daycare, who husband loved as a daycare teacher, was our only non-family sitter. Husband said I can’t call her anymore because he’s usually the one that pays her and its ” weird” for him to come home when she’s in our house.

            2. I don’t know that you have depression so much as a really crappy husband.

            3. Tell husband to get over it? He’s the weird one, you’re the depressed one. Also does he usually tell you what to do?

            4. WTF?! You’re husband needs to get over himself in this regard. Is he channeling Mike Pence?

            5. Again, I say OH HELL NO. You’re not allowed any personal time whatsoever because your husband feels “weird” for five minutes when he has to pay the sitter? Nope.

            6. Lol at the mike pence! I needed that today. Thank you-he was being selfish and weird.

            7. Then he either needs to be home or agree to a babysitter. This has to work for both of you, not just him. You are not less important than whatever his job requirements are. Your mental health matters.

               If you do eat with kiddo, do you have a park nearby? Could you and kid eat supper as a picnic in the park?

            8. We could! This would be a great idea bc kiddo has a light dinner anyway!

            9. HELLS TO THE NOES.

               Seconding all the comments above. Hubs needs to get over himself.

   8. “I hired cleaning people but the house is still messy. ”

      The way we solved this problem is that I adjusted my standards of what “clean” is. With two dogs, an active child, and two full-time working parents, the house is not ever going to be at Martha Stewart standard, even after the housekeeper comes. As long as the kitchen and bathrooms are clean, I’ve learned to ignore small amounts of clutter and dust. I no sooner clean up a clutter pile than my son or husband comes along and replenishes it, so fine. The way I figure it, in fewer years than I think I’m going to have an empty house that I can keep as clean as I want, so right now I’m going with the flow. It helps a lot.

      Also – and this is advice from my mom – if you’re tired at 8 p.m., go to bed. If you’re hungry at 6 p.m., eat dinner. This early phase of parenting is about survival; do what you need to do to survive. Over time, you’ll be able to find ways to spend time with your husband, get exercise, etc. but it’s hard to figure out restructuring your time when you’re totally tapped out and exhausted.

      Otherwise, I would echo the other commenters concerns about PPD. If meds aren’t something you want to consider, maybe consider seeing an acupuncturist or a naturopath in addition to seeing your regular doctor?

      1. On the house thing, have you tried large baskets to just put the clutter in at the end of the day? This has been a lifesaving solution for my friends with kids – no sorting and putting things in a proper place, just swooping into baskets so the look is better.

         1. Yep, and either the baskets ended up full to overflowing or my son would just dump a basket in the middle of the floor and then just haphazardly clean it up. It’s gotten better as he’s gotten older, but both he and my husband share the same mental method of organization, which is: if I can find what I need, then this room is “organized;” don’t mess with it. Like mad scientists. Drives me nuts.

            1. Oh man, that would drive me bonkers.

         2. I love baskets. We have a general toy basket. When it starts to overflow while swooping, it’s time to get rid of some toys.

   9. That is a really really hard time. I think the time between when my daughter was 8 months and 20 months was the hardest year in my life. It just blows. They cant do anything, they cant talk, they’re boring and have tantrums, but they are mobile enough to try to constantly injure themselves. It gets so much better. Soon. My kid is almost 3 and while that comes with it own set of challenges, I feel like I have a grip on my life again.

      Skip exercising. Skip cleaning. Eat as soon as you get home and then sit with your husband when he’s eating. Just survive right now. It will get better. I ate frozen pizza, quesadillas, and things I could cook in the microwave a lot at that point. It’s better now. I’m eating real food again. I feel like myself again. My house looks reasonably presentable most of the time. I don’t think I was depressed, just facing the reality of how HARD it is with a little kid and two working parents.

      1. Thanks. I feel awful complaining bc he’s a good kid and he sleeps all night and he’s in daycare most days and my husband helps on the weekends. But I’m just really struggling.

         1. this is just out of curiosity, since I don’t have kids yet — on the days your kid is in daycare, what do you do? Are you working part-time? If you’re at home while your kid is in daycare, can’t you exercise then, and possibly meal-prep?

            1. I work full time.

            2. gotcha. that seems really rough. I will be in the same boat in the next couple years (kid, me working full time, spouse working full time) and I feel for you because even without a kid, it’s hard to exercise and eat well. Can you exercise in the early morning before work (like at 5:45) and have your husband watch the baby while you’re doing that?

            3. I like that idea but I’d have to move it closer to 5am. Also husband watches baby during my shower/getting dressed already and this causes a lot of stress (like this morning when the kid fell and got a bloody lip and hubs and I had a little spat).

            4. Oh, man. I’m sorry. You’re having a tough day and that brings all the struggle into especially sharp focus. I remember those days all too well. It stinks. All I can say is, this too shall pass. It doesn’t really help you right now, but it’s true. Big hugs.

            5. When my kids were tiny, I had a pack & play in my bedroom so no one had to slow down getting ready to “watch” the kid. Either kiddo was asleep or if awake was in with us.

            6. Why does it cause stress for your husband to watch his child while you are getting ready? Kids fall (though a bloody lip is a bigger deal)… even when someone is watching them. But if it’s stressful for your husband to watch his child for half an hour every morning, there is a bigger problem. Between this and DH being opposed to babysitters, it sounds like he thinks you are the only person who can handle the baby, and that is a recipe for disaster.

            7. Bc for some reason hubs watching him involves him constantly crying as close as possible to the room I’m in.

            8. Then your husband needs to be a better father? Or you need to work on ignoring him.

            9. This. Seriously. He is being purposefully incompetent in order to get out of parenting. Don’t indulge that kind of crap.

         2. My kid is a good kid and slept well and was in daycare too. But it’s still hard. It’s a huge adjustment to be constantly responsible for another human being’s life. And there are particular challenges to that age that I found worse than others. When she was a baby she was cute and portable, and now that she’s older she can talk in complete sentences, walk without falling, and use a toilet. That one year old age is just so hard. I promise it gets better.

            1. Thank you so much.i would hug you if I could.

            2. We’re in the thick of it too. It’s like my 11 month old has a death wish. It’s a tough age. Sometimes he has to sit in the pack and play for a little in the morning even if he doesn’t like it – we need to be able to get ready for work. Hang in there.

         3. Are you me? Life with a littler person is hard. Life with commuting spouses is hard. Be kind to yourself.
            If exercise is hard- will a slow night time walk help? Will a walk help if you are headed to an ice-cream place? :P

   10. I think it’s possible to feel this way without being clinically depressed, just because being a working mom with a spouse is so incredibly difficult. (Depression should, of course, be treated!) For some people exercise is the key, but it’s difficult to fit in exercise when you are overwhelmed and exhausted. For a few weeks, can you prioritize exercise and not worry about the rest? Exercise could be a lunchtime walk, an early-morning streaming workout at home, or whatever else you think will fit into your schedule best. Your husband should be made to understand that this exercise is non-negotiable and he needs to support it by taking care of baby or chores during those times.

       Otherwise, the dinner thing jumps out as a huge source of stress. Can your husband cook dinner while you do bedtime so you can both eat at 7:00, then clean up together and relax afterwards?

       1. Thanks -he tends to get home late bc of work+commute. I have been way simplifying but I think we need to be microwave dinner people for now.

          1. If you really want to keep having dinner together, how about

             You eat a snack when you get home for energy
             Baby goes to bed at 7:00
             You exercise while waiting for husband to get home
             Husband brings home or heats up dinner
             Dinner together at 8:00

             1. Love the idea of exercising after baby goes to bed,but I’m not set up to do it from home.

             2. If you have a 4 by 6 area of floor space and a sturdy chair and nothing else, you can do squats, pushups, step ups, dips, lunges, mountain climbers, and any number of ab exercises. And if jumping is an option (don’t know if you have downstairs neighbors), add in burpees, jump lunges/squats, jump rope, etc. You don’t need much space or equipment to get in a workout. Will it be your perfect pre-baby, all the time in the world ideal? No. But it will be a good workout!

             3. There are lots of streaming workouts you can do at home with little to no equipment other than a pair of dumbbells. I love Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I think beach body has some too.

             4. Look at bodyweight circuits and stuff like the seven minute workout. No equipment, do it from home after baby is asleep. Not as much cardio as going for a run, but definitely worthwhile!

             5. Where do you do this? I’d have to move the furniture and then move it back before dinner. And I’m embarrassed to admit there would be dust -so then vacuuming beforehand. I’m sure this sounds negative but our house is old and small and I don’t have a large den or playroom or basement.

             6. Look into Daily Burn, Be@ch Body On Demand (i’m squicked out by the business, but it’s $99/year for all the workouts streaming), or just youtube exercises for in-home exercise.

                I agree that you need to figure out how to make dinner work for you. what about setting one day per week that husband comes home a little earlier, and 1 night a week when you can get a sitter to allow you to go to the gym/an exercise class/etc. after bed? Then find happy medium for 3 days of dinners (snack or eat early, then dinner or just a glass of wine when husband get home).

                Also, how happy are you with daycare set up? My (slightly older) kids are in daycare/elementary school now, but we had a nanny at home for the first several years, and it made things so much easier, as she could feed the kiddo dinner, and give us some flexibility in getting home. Could also give you the option to work late/workout after work occasionally and have nanny stay late, potentially.

             7. I rotate my coffee table to give enough room to exercise in the living room, but I’ve made smaller spaces work. Hallways are actually pretty decent for this kind of thing- if you have enough room to fully lie down, you can do a surprising number of these kinds of exercises. And jumping jacks/calf raises/squats in the kitchen while you wait for dinner to heat up are always good.

             8. Everyone has dust under their couches. That is just not a big deal at all. Should not even be on your radar. I’m going to reiterate the depression, with a side of “husband’s expectations of you/child are too high” and “your expectations too high”.

             9. Remove your coffee table from your tv room permanently. And talk to your doctor about medication.

          2. We have a freezer full of Trader Joe’s food we can eat, and once in a while I’ll do some frozen make-aheads (not often). I also am not above ordering and picking up food on the way home (it’s spends but restaurants often box food). Our house is a constant clutter pile, and if I’m being honest, I left the house today with a lot of breakfast on the floor (see: 10 month old). I’ll clean it up after dinner.

             I have a 10 month old and an almost 4 y/o.

             1. Oh. And some nIghts, I do go to bed at 8. I tell DH he’s on kitchen cleanup and I go to sleep immediately. I try not too do it often, but sometimes it’s necessary. He does it, too.

             2. Hi, I’m right there with you, too! Infant and 4 y.o. We have a cleaning lady, but I still feel like we live in filth. And try as I might, there is kid stuff everywhere. I vacillate between just accepting it and letting it go, and getting super tweaky about not having a calming, clean place to call home. We too eat a lot of frozen Trader Joes. I’d guess we do one or two meals a week as a family cooked at home. Usually one night of going out and one night of pizza as a family (either Papa Murphy’s or frozen). The other 3 nights or so we feed the 4 year old at one time and usually eat frozen or forage after the littles are in bed. Last night we made a big salad in a huge Tupperware bowl with one fork – H ate half while I fed the baby and put it down; I ate the other half after baby was asleep. This is just how it is now. Is it ideal? Probably not. But we’re surviving. We’ll get there.

                As for working out, I am firmly on team find time. But I am also firmly on team you have to go all in. For me, working out at home half-a**ing a video or something is just absolutely a waste. I may as well sit on the couch with a glass of wine or sleep. I need to get out and run – even if it’s at 5am before everyone is up or at 9[m after bedtime. Can you start by doing it on the weekends and see if you can carry it over into the week? Or do something one day a week at lunch?

             3. Thank you. Tjs has my heart. Between the frozen meals, sunbutter for daycare, the fact that they bag your stuff and good heaven coffee…they are the best.

          3. YES

             Take out 1-2 week nights. Trader’s microwave 1-2 week nights. Cold dinner (Cheese and crackers, hummus + carrots) one night, and leftovers 1-2 nights that you heat up. The only cooking is done on a weekend with husband helping, and is something that can be reheated during the week – chicken stew, chili

             The only thing on a weekday I “cook” is a fresh veg. Side dish of broccoli steamed (steam in the microwave) or spinach steamed etc… or a side dish of cut up tomatoes or a simple salad. Husband’s job when he gets home is making that vegetable.

             And yes – see your doctor.

             You aren’t alone.

       2. I feel like you should see a therapist. You keep coming up with reasons why none of these things will work.

          Can’t take meds. Can’t exercise at home. Can’t get a babysitter etc. That “can’t” language and inability to problem solve make me think you are probably depressed.

          For example for exercise you need simply a yoga mat of space open. Unless you guys live in a 500 ft studio I am sure your kitchen has a 5 feet x 2 feet to spread out a yoga mat for you to do some exercises on or a hallway or in the garage or in front of the TV etc.

          Or you could exercise during a lunch break. Or exercise in the morning while your husband watches your kdi before you are tired.

          Or the babysitter thing – you live near family. What if they picked up the kid one day a week for you from daycare so you could have an evening off.

          The cooking thing – can’t your husband help prep or make meals on Sunday for you to use all week?

          There are some clear answers to your problem but it seems that you are too fatigued and depressed to see them so I would-
          1) See my doctor and see if my levels of iron and Vitamin D etc are all good and tell him you are feeling off.
          2) Ask my husband and family for support
          3) See a therapist and set some goals and see if the therapist can help you work through the haze to meet those goals.

          1. +1 on “can’t” being a red flag for depression. When my husband is depressed, he has a reason why not for everything.

             1. No you’re right. I can and do workout at lunch some days. I could certainly do it at home in a pinch before dinner. I could just get my life together and in my better moments I feel capable of that. It’s hard to ask strangers for help and I appreciate the feedback.

             2. I am so mad on your behalf! Here you are doing all these things and your husband is making it harder for you, and you are feeling like it’s your fault. It’s not your fault. You may be depressed and you don’t have adequate support at home and it’s just hard being a working mom of a baby!

             3. The point isn’t that you should be able to “just get my life together.” The point is that you are so overwhelmed that at least some of the time you feel totally stuck. If you are stuck, you don’t have to get un-stuck all on your own. There are resources out there to support you, which may or may not include medications and therapy. We internet strangers aren’t judging you. Many of us recognize aspects of our own lives in your story, and we want to let you know that you are not alone and there is hope.

             4. yah – I want to 100% make sure that I wasn’t saying that it is your fault. I just think that you are having trouble seeing beyond this or being able to get access to support. And I wanted to you to realize that you can stop blaming yourself and your husband should help you find a therapist.

   11. Are you me? I walk in the door hungry, and finally realized that even though DH does not want to eat until 8 or later, that just doesn’t work for me. And I was snacking to make it to a late dinner which contributed to weight gain. So now I plan for dinner the night before. Sometimes I cook a full meal ahead of time that we can just re-heat. Other times I plan for sandwiches, or frozen pizza. But kid and I are eating within 20 minutes of getting home, and DH is welcome to eat with us or to wait.

   12. Not quite your situation, but 28 weeks pregnant and having a terrible pregnancy, on top of working BigLaw hours. I have stopped exercising (other than what I get puttering around the house – I try to take extra laps around the office at work) because I am too tired. While I am a good cook (and my pre-pregnant self enjoyed cooking), with the exhaustion and nausea we have become oven/microwave eaters. We signed up for peapod and my husband puts together a weekly grocery order that gets delivered – I log in and add what I want, but it is primarily frozen/microwaveable food for him with milk, fruit and whatever food of the week that is staying down for me. Steam in a bag frozen veggies are amazing. We don’t always eat the same thing together, but try to at least sit together and maybe eat at the same time a few nights a week. On the off chance I do cook, I am just forking over the extra money for pre-prepped veggies, cut fruit, etc. Our housekeeper still comes once a month, but in the meantime I just let the dust and clutter accumulate.

       When I get this run down, sleep is more important than exercise for my well-being. I would prioritize that and let the other stuff go. When I get more sleep I make better choices all around, particularly with food, and I find that my weight is better too.

       Finally, be kind to yourself. This is hard. So if you’re a perfectionist like me, you have to remember to be kind to yourself. My husband and I usually say “be awesome” as part of our daily goodbyes, but lately its a lot of “today I am just going to be”. Survival is the name of the game.

       1. I agree that sleep trumps exercise. You’re absolutely correct that more sleep leads to better decisions the next day in regard to food choices, feeling motivated to get a few more steps around the office, and being better able to laugh and cope with difficult situations!

          OP – it’s summer! This is the perfect time of year to stop by the farmers market/grocery store after daycare, plop baby in the cart, and pick out some fresh ingredients for dinner. You get a bit of exercise walking around the store, baby gets to look at a different view, and it eats up some of that dead time before your husband gets home. It’s a great time for salads, lean cuts of meat that cook fast, vegetables and premade dips, cold tubs of picnic salads, fruit trays–this can all double as easy toddler finger food as well.

          It sounds like you just need to switch up your routine. I know I hated the baby stage (still do) and I was anxious taking the kids out or being left alone with them. I felt abandoned, trapped, stuck… Taking the kids to the grocery store alone (or leaving the house at all) felt impossible. What if they screamed? What if we were all miserable? What if it just made everything worse? But every time I forced myself to gather them up and go, it went really well. I was out around people, the kids were entertained by the sights from the cart, and it was never as bad as I worried it would be.

          I don’t think you have a terrible husband, or that you need to get up at 5 am and go workout. Try shaking up your after work routine and see if that helps! Maybe instead of the grocery store, you stop at the local park for the baby swings and get take out afterwards. Or dinner is Target popcorn and a trip down the toy aisle. Or a water table / sand box outside that you both can play with. Anything that sounds fun–give it a shot!

       2. So much good advice here – but I also want to encourage you to sleep if you need to. If you feel like you need to go to bed at 8, just do it. I definitely have had days or stretches where I put the kids to bed and promptly follow suit. Sometimes your body is screaming out for rest and the best thing you can do is give it the sleep it needs.

          Also, I wish I could give you a hug in person because I understand exactly and viscerally how all of this feels. There is light at the end of the tunnel. For me, age one is the hardest with babies. It does get so much better.

   13. I would urge you to go to your doctor and describe what is happening. I went through a similar patch without having a kid, and it turns out my vitamin D levels were clinically low. Adding vitamin D supplementation made a huge difference for me. My doctor also recommended a B Complex supplement. It’s really hard to take enough Vitamin D or the B Complex to cause harm to your body, so I felt very comfortable adding these.

   14. Any chance you are still breastfeeding or weaned recently? Breastfeeding or stopping can do a number on your hormones.

       Also, I have a 13 month old and feel you on the weekends. We hired weekend help, not for the baby, but for everything else from meals to dog walking, etc. b/c it’s all we can do to hang with our kiddo and get a little bit of R&R ourselves. Also, one tip is to sneak toys into the crib after kiddo falls asleep on weekend nights so that when they wake up, they play for a bit in the crib before you have to pull yourself out of bed and get them. And, yes, I still feel tired on Monday!

       1. Never breastfed. Still getting flack for it.

          1. Excuse me? From whom? Tell anyone to shut up, and if it’s your husband demand marital counseling.

          2. Flack from whom? Hopefully not your husband.

          3. What?? Who are these people giving you flack for this and I will roundhouse kick them. This is not something you should worry about. It sounds like you need to give yourself some compliments for handling this difficult little kid period while working a full time job.

          4. Do not accept flak for that. Shut down all such comments.

          5. Who is giving you flack for not BFing? They can shove it. Your child is presumably growing well and thriving so you clearly did a good job of feeding the child.
             Dual career with a little kid is a really hard time for anyone and it sounds like there are a few complicating factors for you. I’d ask for a depression screening from your doctor. I know you said that you don’t want to take medication if it is depression, but a short term course did me wonders. It got my head above water long enough to effectuate some of the other changes that I needed to make. Yes, exercise is great, but when the fatigue prevents you from getting off the couch, it’s just one more thing to feel guilty about not doing. Medication helped stop that spiral.

             1. +1

                Going on medication doesn’t have to be a forever thing and can help in the short-term getting out of some vicious spirals. I can definitely understand wanting to avoid medication, but maybe think about why you’re saying that. If it’s an issue with your brain chemistry, medication can help that. For me, paradoxically, it was my anxiety and depression that was stopping me from taking the medication I needed to help with my anxiety and depression.

             2. Husbands family member (step brother and step sister in law). I made the decision to stop being around them/speaking to them. Husband was not supportive-still a sore spot.

             3. Again, these people shouldn’t even register. I’m going to add marriage counseling as a recommednation – the more you share, the more issues with your husband crop up. Of course you’re depressed if you feel hopeless about your marriage.

             4. Your husband is a major part of the problem here. IMO, you would benefit from individual AND marriage counseling. He needs to get on Team Family, not Team It’s All About Husband.

          6. Ok, I posted above as one of the commenters who is right there in the trenches with you and at that point I totally was not on board with the PPD/depression comments because I get where you are and I think this is pretty common. That said, this comment makes me rethink this and begin to think that you are truly having PPD-type issues. This is not a rational response to that comment…

             1. My thoughts exactly. The original question seems like it could very well be normal working-parent-of-toddler stuff, but the responses raise more concerns.

             2. Wait why not? I feel like the not breastfeeding stuff (and all the flack I take) is relevant to what’s going on. For sure, it makes me feel like a really horrible mom.

             3. I think it’s not a rational response because it’s not. It’s not rational and it’s not proportional. You’re in a spiral.

             4. I guess I should have just left it at not breastfeeding. I didn’t want to have to explain why so I just wanted to make it clear that I have taken enough flack for it. Really and truly I have.

             5. Oh my goodness, breastfeeding IS NOT RELATED TO WHETHER YOU ARE A GOOD MOM OR NOT. Is your baby fed? Is she or he happy? Then you are doing an amazing job and being the best mom for your baby. Honestly. The fact that you got pressure from relatives to breastfeed says that they are jerks, not that you are a horrible mom. YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOM.

                I had a terrible time with breastfeeding and definitely felt all sorts of pressure, including from my sister in law (who was producing literally gallons of milk while I pumped every hour to get driblets and drops.) But honestly, six years later I can confidently tell you that it mattered not one whit. It hurt terribly at the time, but it is not relevant to whether you are a good mom. Food is just food, whether it comes out of the bottle or the breast.

   15. I understand. I felt the same way. You didn’t say exactly how old your 1-year-old is, but my hardest months of parenting were 13-16 months. I remember feeling so burned out by work, child care, trying to maintain my marriage, everything. I didn’t have any time to myself and gained weight too.

       It gets better. So much better. Soon.

       For now, go into survival mode. Have at least a healthy snack when you get home, even if you weight for your husband to eat dinner. For dinners, try a combination of making ahead and freezing, slow cooker meals, and no-cook meals like sandwiches and salads. I haven’t managed to develop an exercise routine, but around that age, we started taking Kiddo out on the weekends to the park and playground and zoo, and we walk a lot and play hard. I was also surprised how many steps I got trying to keep the house clean, picking up toys and clothes, and doing dishes and laundry.

       1. Thank you.

          1. I have read through all these posts and your replies, and I say this with all sincerity. I think you have a couple of issues going on here. First, I think there is some degree of depression going on. It is so common post partum. I had it. I was very resistant to meds, but once I did a short trial of them, I felt so much better that I continued for about 6 months. It was enough to get me “over the hump”. Please talk to your OBGYN and don’t take any option off the table at this point.

             Secondly, I think your husband needs to understand that this is not all about him and what he wants. Could one of your family take the little one out for a few hours so that you two can have a serious talk about this? I had to do that. It took my having a heart to heart sobbing discussion with husband for things to change when my oldest was an infant. My husband just had not wrapped his head around how much in our world had changed, and kept expecting things that he always expected. There seem to be so many things that your husband is vetoing, so I wonder if the problem is similar.

             Can you take the little one in a stroller for a walk when you get home? Some fresh air for little one and a walk for you might help you decompress at night and have the bonus of some exercise.

             Big hugs. I remember how hard this is.

             1. Yes, honestly, I agree, after reading the other comments and OP’s follow-up. It’s a really, really hard time. It’s also possible to have medical issues and/or relationship issues that make it even harder.

                OP, I think you’ve received a lot of good advice–explore any potential medical issues and marriage issues. Go into survival mode with the day-to-day; it doesn’t have to be perfect. And take small steps to take care of yourself–eat when you need to, exercise a little bit, and sleep when you need to.

   16. Fellow working mom here (of a three year old and a 4 month old). I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I can relate to so much of what you said. One thing that I started doing last year that has been GREAT is I started ordering dinners from a meal service. I live in an area where there are several options and the one I picked, I order entrees from their online menu the week before, and the fully cooked meals are delivered on Mondays. I usually order 3-5 entrees and sometimes double up on something I know I like and put the extra in the freezer for a future week. This service has you put out an insulated bag with freezer packs so they can deliver when you’re at work. When I get home, I just pop a meal in the oven to heat, make a salad, and dinner is ready in 20 minutes.

       If you don’t have a service like this in your area, another option would be a personal chef who cooks several meals for you every week and stashes them in your fridge. I know this sounds really pricey and luxurious, and I hemmed and hawed for a long time about the cost. Then one day I multiplied my hourly wage by the number of hours I was spending shopping, cooking, and cleaning, and I saw just how valuable my time is. When you have a young kid, time is such a precious resource. Of course you just want to put on your pjs and relax after your kid goes to bed. I actually really love cooking, but it is so far down the priority list right now. Maybe when my kids are older. For now I am in survival mode, and having fully cooked meals delivered to my door is helping me survive.

       Hope you feel better soon.

       1. Thanks -the more I think about this the more I think I need to cool it on the weeknight cooking. Without beating myself up.

          1. Hi, I know how this goes. IMO/IME, it’s a combination of depression and perfectionism. I couldn’t have continued my life without both medication and therapy. I was incredibly uncomfortable asking ANYONE for help, but I learned how to do so to save myself, even though it’s still a bit uncomfortable. You have to take care of yourself or you will not be able to best take care of your child. Your husband must join the team, so that you can take care of yourself. He needs to pitch in so that you have time to go to therapy and really should try to reframe the meds position. Would you refuse meds if you had diabetes? Or a heart problem? Or an infection? I hope not. Mental illness is just that, an illness. You are not weak or broken if you take medication. You are not weak or broken if you go to therapy. You are not letting yourself down or anyone else down. You are putting yourself first and that is important.

          2. If weeknight cooking is important to you, here are a few super simple meals I make. I never knew how to cook and my husband taught me these so I have something to eat when he travels. They are easier than some frozen meals.

             (1) – Salmon. Preheat oven to 425. Put aluminum foil on a cookie platter. Put salmon on top. Bake for 20 minutes. Throw a frozen steam in the bag thing of veggies in the microwave.

             (2) Steak. Preheat oven to 425. Leave steak out while oven preheats. Put olive oil in cast iron skillet. Put steak in skillet. Cook one side 6 minutes, the other side 5 minutes for it to come out medium. One large rib eye will feed two. Do another bag of microwave veggies. Those take 5 minutes or so.

             (3) Porkchops – same as steak but cook 20 minutes. Use another bag of microwave veggies.

             1. Also, since all of these things go in the oven/microwave, you don’t have to worry about watching the stove. You could start these and do a 20 minute living room workout while they are cooking. The Ruthless series are all 20 minute workouts.

       2. Would you share where you are and what service you use? This sounds like just what I need.

   17. And at the risk of piling on your husband some more, don’t have another child and don’t quit your job thinking that will make everything easier.

   18. Remind yourself of this often: it will get better for sure. Once children can go to the bathroom and are out of carseats, everything in life seems easier! In the meantime I would either eat first and have a dessert with my husband at 8 PM (small piece of chocolate and peanut butter or fruit). My husband is a great dad to our teenager but he did not get what would be helpful with babies and toddlers. For example, when the going got tough he would do things like polish the silver to help. (??!!) Also he did not change diapers, would not drive home a female babysitter, said the cleaning people were a waste of money (hate it for you, buddy) etc. I have tons of facts that would / did freak most people but he truly could not be be a more involved parent to a person (just not to a baby).

       I have to change things in stages or nothing at all happens. If I were you, I would leave my house on the weekends for two – three hours alone. Hire a sitter. Tell your husband you are treading water and keep repeating it if he complains but try not to apologize. Go out to lunch and wander around retail areas while responsible for no one else. You could invite your husband or a friend to lunch if you are in the mood. Try to lose 10 pounds before starting to exercise. You could try cutting out all rice, beans, pasta and bread (I have never been able to do without potatoes entirely.) and eat as much fat, protein, fruits and vegetables as you want. My favorite snacks are plain yogurt with as much peanut butter as I want, a banana with peanut butter, strawberries and cheese, etc.

       Next I would start getting up at 5 AM to exercise, even if it just involves walking a couple of miles. Promise yourself you will do it for just one week at a time and then try to keep it going. Go to bed the second you have finished your second supper with your husband. :) Exercise produces the most lovely endorphins.

       When you start to feel more in control, get rid of as many unnecessary belongings in your house as you can and then make sure everything else has a place. Do not let yourself consider what anything cost. It is the only way I can keep things tidy.

       Cooking is not my thing. It absolutely wears me out but I adore really good food. If I were not married to someone who feels relaxed by cooking I would probably subscribe to a service that provides meals to be reheated or a service that delivers warm meals to a cooler on the doorstep.

       I am tons older than you (late 40’s) and have been through several stagees where I lost my mojo and had to regroup to find it again. You will, too. Hang in there!

       1. Thank you. This makes me hopeful.

       2. Love these comments about a husband being a bad baby parent, but an involved and terrific parent with older kids. I felt bad for the OP as posters piled on all the things her husband should be doing to support her.

          There’s the Ideal (way up here) and then there is Reality (down here), and while we’d all love a Baby Whisperer Husband to walk in the door at 7, takes the baby and encourage us to go out for a long run or enjoy some down time while he plays with the baby and cleans the kitchen, that isn’t a reality for most of us. Instead, it takes lots of intentional not-so-fun conversations about expectations, what each person needs, what each person wishes for, and sincere effort (and game plans) to work toward that agreed upon ideal.

          14 years of marriage (and 12 years of parenting) have taught me to JUST BE BLUNT. Don’t wait for him to puzzle it out. Don’t sulk, or pretend nothing is wrong, or get depressed because he’s not seeing you drowning. Stand up and say, “I’m not okay right now. I need x, y and z to be happy. You can help me by ____, but it’s not helpful at all when you ____.” It starts the conversation.

          1. I started to write a response but you said it better. I may be reading too much into it but it sounds like OP you might be giving up on your husband too easily… depression and/or exhaustion can affect how you interpret what someone else says, and I’m wondering if he made sort of offhand dismissive comments about stuff (getting a babysitter, or taking anti-depressants) and you heard it as “no that is not an option” when in reality it just means you need to push back, especially on stuff that really matters to you and come to a compromise. I have had a few moments where I felt like I should be able to handle things or figure it out and tried to do it on my own until I just couldn’t, and after a big teary fight/talk-it-out we were able to get down to brass tacks in what was really important to each of us and find a compromise/way forward that we each could live with.

   19. 1. You have a toddler. It’s rough. l know I can’t match mine’s energy.
       2. Always eat with your child. That way you are keeping your energy levels in sync and most importantly you are demonstrating what normal eating habits are. Source: struggle(d) myself, saw doctors.

       l wish I had more advice. As my neighbor, a mom of 3, says ”It gets easier with time!” So far she has been right.

4. I’ve found a number of great interior design posts through threads on here, but I was hoping for a more specific recommendation. Is there a good blog for people who like color? We are choosing paint colors for a new house and I’m not really into pastels or greige or all white everything. I get that that’s not “on trend” but surely there is someone out there posting fabulous photos of bright colored walls? A cursory g oogle search didn’t bring up much. Any recommendations?

   1. paint is cheap and easy, but the best things to colorize are the things, not your walls

      start with a good rug shop

      and revere pewter + 10% white is a good neutral for any turquoise / hot pink / flaming red rug / soft goods combo you could have in a room

   2. Check out Houzz

   3. Check out pinterest. If you search for “bright color walls” a bunch will come up. Apparently “bold” colors will create results as well. You can also search by type of room.

   4. Young House Love. They just painted their new house peach and they love color.

      1. Ugh, can’t stand Young House Love. But I have to admit, their house looks gorgeous!

         1. I adore them, style and all.

   5. I use Pinterest (not the most original, but a lot of images in there and lots of samples of bold color in rooms)

   6. I don’t tend to want to recreate other aspects of historic (Victorian, Colonial) styles, but there are some really tried and true bright colors in those palettes. I don’t know a blog, but Benjamin Moore should have marketing materials that showcase some bright colors. The variants of teal are hard to go wrong with, but reds, corals, and yellows have a lot of historical precedent as well.

      When I went with a deep violet blue with gray undertones once, I was on my own. Not a lot of historical precedent there. But after going back to the store and adjusting the shade two times, it came out perfectly for my space and my lighting. There’s a thin line between awful and amazing with brightly colored walls, but if you have confidence and insist on getting it right, you can.

      1. Thanks! It’s a Victorian and I like the idea of trying some of the Benjamin Moore classic palettes.

         I get that the trend is neutral walls and pops of color, but I like colored walls. I really do.

         1. Do it! Don’t listen to anonymous internet strangers trying to tell you your personal taste is wrong.

   7. Jenny Komenda does a nice job of bright colours and modern design

   8. Colour Me Happy blog.

   9. I don’t have recs for blogs but I would say that there are colored walls and then there are colored walls. My post-divorce house is just the way I want it, with wall colors and rugs that ex-H would hate. (Well, he thinks my current house looks great, but we never would have been able to agree on these colors in our mutual home.) My walls are all colored, but not super-bold. The living room and hall are a warm gray (Behr “Double-click” I think) but there is also a wasabi green shag rug. The kitchen is a not-too-bright spring green (Behr “Lima Green”), also with a very bright rug, and the dining room is a warm blue, a bit darker than wedgewood (Behr “Oslo Blue,” IIRC). The bedroom is the only more subdued color, a warm sand (Behr “Renoir Bisque.”).

      Everyone loves the color palette in my house, and the walls certainly are not white or greige, but the colors aren’t too strong. Some of the rugs, on the other hand . . .

      And paint stores will sell you sample-size jars for maybe $4 or $5, and you can paint a sizeable piece of a wall to see if you really like a particular color before you commit. Because yes, paint is cheap but painting is either expensive to have done or a huge pain to do yourself. (I did get ex to agree years ago to a warm melon/ terracotta color for a kitchen with 11-ft ceilings; we didn’t do a sample and the color turned out to be bright, hurt-your-eyes orange and we had to repaint. It was horrible.)

      Good luck and have fun with this!

      1. Your house sounds gorgeous.

         1. Thank you! I moved in two years ago this week and I still feel super-happy every time I walk in!

   10. Do you have furniture, curtains, any decorating items that you love? You could start by finding a color in any of those and then go on pinterest and look at color palettes and schemes.

       In one room I started with a wallpaper I fell in love with (Cole& son Fornasetti 2 Uccelli – those birds have become our pets!) then chose a paint color from the colors in the wall paper. l took the wall paper with me to the paint store, found a paint chip that was close and told the paint mixer guy to add some white/red etc. The end-result is awesome.

       In another room I have petrol/teal, yellow and light rose. It sounds ghastly but I promise it’s awesomely fresh paired with antique furniture.

       If you have never looked at Cole & son wallpapers, do it – guaranteed eyegasms. Esp. Fornasetti 2, Folie, Geometric 2 and the whimsical boarders are wonderful for inspiration and never boring.

5. Accidentally / stupidly deposited a check twice. Once into an account via mobile and then again stupidly into another account via ATM. Always void your mobile deposits! The funds were made immediately available at the second bank.

   Realized the mistake immediately, called the second bank. They said the check wouldn’t clear, the amount would be withdrawn from my account, and I’d be charged a $12 fee. Estimated time was 2-3 days.

   Two weeks passed without any action and I called the bank again. They said there was nothing I could do but wait for it to be debited from the account. Again they gave the 2-3 days from deposit window, and had no explanation for why it had not been withdrawn.

   Now three weeks have passed. There is an extra $3k just sitting in my checking account, and it makes me irrationally anxious. Obviously I won’t spend it, but I’m scared I might accidentally over draw or something and be charged with fraud. What can I do?? The check was from my husband, and he’s had no issue with his own bank or anything. Is this normal? It would make a great scam.. three weeks is a lot of time to do all sorts of things with an extra three grand before putting it back into your account.

   1. Call again. Ask to speak to a supervisor. This is too long. Go in person if you have to.

   2. This is actually a super common scam. I’m sorry – you seem to be doing the right things. Make sure your attempts to contact them are documents.

   3. I always fold down the top right corner of a check I’ve deposited via mobile until I’m sure it’s gone through. It helps me (and DH, if he sees a check lying around) keep track of what I’ve deposited.

      1. great idea!

      2. Oh, I’m going to start doing this!

      3. This is much more efficient than my current method of sticking a post-it with the deposit date on it. Great idea.

      4. I write “e-deposit on ‘date'” on the back of the check stub or on a post it that I staple to the check. I also don’t sign the check until I’m ready to deposit so a signed check means I’ve deposited it.

6. I met the most wonderful man a few months ago, and he’s everything I want in a partner. As we’ve been dating, he’s definitely fallen in love with me, and while I love him (and have told him this), I’m not head-over-heels, sweaty palms, butterflies in stomach love with him. Will that develop over time? The other thing is that I’m on a SNRI drug, and I wonder if this is “blunting” my ability to fall in love. I am in therapy, and my therapist isn’t too worried about my lack of deepened feeling, but she said if this persists past the 1-year mark (we’re at about 6 months now), we might have more reason for concern. Has anyone else experienced this?

   1. This is just my opinion, but I don’t think you need to be head-over-heels, sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach to feel real love. Each person experiences love differently. My husband said he knew he loved me when we were on a 24 hour slow boat up the Mekong, I was vomiting from a migraine, and he actually didn’t mind holding my hair back.

      1. Awe this is sweet. That’s the dream

      2. This is oddly romantic.

         I’m no expert, but I think the sweaty palms, butterflies stuff comes (if it comes) at the beginning and simmers down into something more companionable and steady. So, you might have just skipped that phase. Are you attracted to him?

      3. LOL I realized I loved my DH when I got really sick while visiting him and he spent the entire week taking care of me.

   2. Have you had head-over-heels, sweaty palms, butterflies in stomach love before? Not everyone gets that way, which is okay. You can love him, and even be in love with him without those feelings.

      1. +1000. What is your baseline here?

      2. +1 Usually if I feel this way it’s lust. That’s not lasting love, it’s brain chemistry. I know I can love someone with out this so I am not going to spend my life casting off good partners to seek out what the movies have told us we should be waiting for.

         1. +2 – I’m at about 9 months with my BF and my lust feeling when we’re about to LGP is that butterflies in my stomach, but on a regular night, my love feeling is feeling absolutely comfortable staying in my pjs for hours, on the couch on Sunday morning with breakfast and CBS Sunday Morning on.

         2. Oh yeah, for me that kind of feeling is definitely lust and not love.

      3. I’ve never been in love before. I did have a brief, “I’m on cloud 9” feeling when we first met but then that faded. Thanks for the reality check. I basically had to tell myself, “Eff those romance novels, of course I love my boyfriend!” I guess it’s just a bit dissapointing that he seems *so* infatuated and I’m much more mellow about it.

         1. Yeah, I’m kind of like you (see my comment above) – never really been in love, and I tend to be bothered by guys who seem way more infatuated than I am (especially straight off the bat) because I feel guilty about not reciprocating. It could be that it’s just a difference in your emotional styles and how expressive you each are.

   3. I never had head over heels, sweaty palms feelings about my wife. Hasn’t kept us from having a pretty darn good 24 years together. For us, it was just an intense feeling of rightness – we’ve both said it felt like there was audible “click.”

      1. Thank you for your experience! I feel, 100% in my heart, that he’s the absolute right person for me. It was always, “I know he’s the person I want to marry, but the only thing missing is those butterflies.” So maybe there’s nothing missing I should just be happy and get excited about it!

   4. I married without that feeling. He was a great guy and we were good together, but we weren’t great together. We always kind of wondered deep down if there was more. We ended up amicably divorcing after 8 years and are still good friends. Within 2 years, we both met amazing people who light us up and bring deep joy – the kind of love you hear about.

   5. I had that feeling with my ex, but along with it also came fights that were just as intense. Now, with my husband it was a much more comfortable feeling, like being home. I am attracted to him, have fun with him, but didn’t really get that crazy, nervous, butterfly feeling. Instead, I felt safe with him. For me, it has resulted in a much stronger, lasting relationship. (Together for 13 years, married for 11)

   6. No thoughts on the med issue, but I would generally advise a friend not to marry someone they don’t have butterflies for. In college, after a string of guys who treated me like cr*p, I settled down with a nice guy who checked all the boxes but didn’t give me that butterfly feeling. I told myself that I was in love with him and it was just a “mature” kind of love that didn’t make me all giddy. We eventually broke up, and a few months later I met the person who is now my husband, immediately had butterflies and realized that I had deeply cared about but never been in love with the college BF.
      Butterflies definitely go away over time, but if you’ve never had that feeling it’s not a good sign. IMO.

   7. I didn’t really even like my husband when we first met (as friends), and I don’t know that I ever had “butterflies” for him. Over time, as we got to know each other, I started really appreciating his better qualities – kindness, empathy, sense of humor, willingness to share his feelings, etc. And then one day I just kind of realized, wow, I can’t imagine living my life without him. He wasn’t just the kind of person I wanted to marry; he made me want to be a better person.

      I’ve had friends who married the guys they had super-sweaty palms for – mixed results. Some are doing great and others, not so much. The sweaty palms don’t last, but being with someone who is kind, generous, loving and responsible seems to be a good predictor of a longtime healthy relationship.

      Now, I’ll qualify this by saying, if really deep down you’re just not that into him, or the lady gardening is not good/exciting, those are different issues. It’s important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself, here, so you don’t get caught in a situation where you’re miserable. I don’t necessarily believe in “one true love” and meeting someone and having fireworks go off and birds soar through the air, etc. But I do believe in chemistry, which is either there or it’s not. I had chemistry with my husband and if I hadn’t had it, I don’t know if we would have made it this far. Don’t overthink this, but don’t shove down your feelings and try to talk yourself into something either.

      1. That’s an interesting question–I think how wonderful he is to me makes me want to make sure I do the same to him, but beyond that, I don’t really have that “be a better person” drive. I mean, I think I’m a pretty good person already. If anything, he makes me feel OK to be me, and that I don’t have to change even the less great parts of me, because he can fill those gaps.

         1. Personally, I would never rely on anyone else to “fill in my gaps.” If you can’t fill those in yourself, other people can’t do that for you…maybe the problem is that you’re not sure yourself about who you are and what you want out of your life. We’ve all been there. This guy isn’t the answer to whatever life uncertainty or insecurities you’re experiencing…if that’s what you’re waiting for, better to let him find someone else while you’re figuring things out.

            1. It’s not so much a reliance thing as a complementary thing. Everyone has flaws, everyone. And he makes me feel like they aren’t something that I need to be ashamed of, or strive to be perfect all the time. Acceptance is maybe a better word. I don’t think I have glaring insecurities either. I’m happy with who I am, thus, I don’t really feel motivated to “become a better person.” I’m already a pretty kick *ss all on my own. I don’t feel dependent at all. Just accepted.

   8. I always got butterflies when I was crushing on someone and it inhibited my ability to act normal around that person. With DH, I feel 100% comfortable being just me and not worrying about everything I say and do. But I am also always super excited to see him whenever we’ve been apart, even just for the work day.

   9. Some people fall in love, some people jump. Love isn’t something that comes from your head — but sometimes your head will stop your heart from going where it wants to go, particularly if you’re the kind of person who lives in your head. (I was/am!) Sit down and look at your doubts and fears about your BF as logically as possible — are there any real reasons to break up with him? If there are, address them now or break up with him now. If there aren’t any logical reasons to not be together, and the thought of breaking up with him makes you sad because you like him and would miss him, then you may need to give yourself permission to fall in love. Set the fears aside, tell your brain to take the backseat, and jump in. For me I had to go through this logical process first before I could really be wildly in love.

   10. I was never really head over heels with anyone. I really liked a guy, and our friendship and deep connection developed over 6 months, then we started dating, then I really fell in love, then we moved in and I was able to appreciate our compatibility, then we got married and had a kid – and I was really able to appreciate his reliability and care. I kept falling in love deeper and deeper with him at each stage of advancing our relationship slowly. Don’t rush. Don’t try to rush yourself. Don’t try to rush your feelings, or think that you are supposed to feel a certain way. When having a kid I thought I was supposed to fall in love with her at birth, but that didn’t happen. I wasn’t depressed, birth wasn’t difficult, I just didn’t perceive her as a human being in the beginning. Then when she was 10 days old and finally looked at me and saw me – I fell in love with that little human that was trying to see and understand the world.

7. I’m having a standing desk installed in my office next week (yay!) and I’m wondering about the viability of getting some kind of treadmill or other under-desk exercise equipment to use at a slow pace throughout the work day. Any recommendations?

   And I am crazy for thinking this is the magical solution to my, “no time to exercise because I work two jobs and have a toddler” dilemma?

   1. This post makes me sad.

      But my firm will help you install a treadmill, there are definitely companies who specialize in it. I will say, they take up a lot of room, and some people who use them complain about upper neck/back pain from weird postures. I would be inclined to do calf raises or squats or something occasionally, but I’m more worried about maintaining muscle than I am cardio health right now.

   2. I think it yields bad work + bad workout. I’d pass and just do some squats with the door closed. Not sure what footwear you’d need or “work” clothes.

   3. I have a little underdesk bicycle thingie, which I used when I first got but since it mostly collects dust. Maybe when I am not pregnant/back from maternity leave? I used it sitting. But some people use them standing with their desks (I found I am not that coordinated given the lack of handles and I was too scared to lean heavily on my varidesk). Make sure you get a gel mat to stand on with your standing desk and wear supportive footwear. Also for the first few weeks only stand a couple of hours a day – it takes your body time to get used to standing.

   4. You will find lots of articles if you google ‘treadmill desk’. Unfortunately I can’t find the original source, but remember reading that the loss in productivity is significant. Especially if you try typing while walking, it is a distraction and your work product may suffer.

   5. I have access to a treadmill desk. There is a limited number of things I can do on it effectively. Taking conference calls is probably the best. I can also read provided I don’t really need to take notes or not too many notes. I can also do diligence or other document review where I know I need to read a lot of documents but its unlikely most of them will turn out to be actually relevant. When I find a relevant or important document I generally have to stop walking, take some notes on it, and then can restart.

   6. Try out the standing desk; you may not need the treadmill. I find that, if I’m wearing comfortable shoes, I move constantly at a standing desk anyway (partly because I’m nervous about varicose veins if I just… stand.. there, but partly because it helps me focus). I don’t kid myself that it’s cardio, but I couldn’t do actual cardio while getting work done anyway.

8. I used to be a devoted Banana/Gap shopper but lately they’re going down hill. A few months ago I ordered a ton of stuff from Gap and it was all huge and totally different from the online pictures (an advertised above-fingertips length pool coverup ended up being an ankle-length moo moo on me). I just ordered three things from Banana and it’s the same problem. I’m a 0/2 in them normally so I can’t size down the six sizes I’d need to in these new cuts. I think this means I’m breaking up with Banana. Does anyone have a suggestion for where I should move to instead? I like Loft but I their sizing is too big so I can only fit in random things that run small or come in PXXS but are tall-person friendly. I’m wondering if this means I should finally take a crack at Boden. I’ve been coveting some of their dresses but I’m reluctant because I have no clue what my size would be!

   1. Boden posts garment measurements on their site, so you can check against something you already own. (Why don’t all companies do this?!) Depending on what you are looking for, Uniqlo might work for you. Also regular Ann Taylor.

   2. Huh, I’ve had great luck at Gap lately (especially work out clothes). But I (surprisingly) wear XS there and I can see how it would not work for smaller women.

   3. Totally in the same boat. I feel like my measurements put me at the slim side of average, so I have no clue where truly petite people are shopping. I’ve had decent luck with Antonio Melani at Dillards and Tahari (I’m a 2 in both and they make 0s- I used to be 0-2/xs in Gap brands, now also in I guess negative sizes). Ann Taylor is similar to Loft for me. It works when I can a) find something in a 0 and b) it’s cut both slim and tall.

   4. I share your issue with Loft, etc. I recently bought 5 items at Loft in size XS and 3 had to go back for being way too big. 2 were acceptably oversized. I’m not THAT small – I’m 5’4″ and probably 130lb after gaining some post-baby-weaning weight. I should not be falling off the bottom of the size chart.

      That said – I do fine with Boden. I need XXS or XSP at Loft and wear a 2R or 4P there.

   5. Haha it’s muumuu.

      1. Haha my bad. Can’t say it’s a word I use regularly.

9. Hive, have any of you done the Kybella procedures? I have no defined chin/jawline and never have, so I feel like I may be a good candidate for this. Interested in hearing about individual experiences before I set up a doctor consult. Thanks!

   1. I haven’t, but have a friend who just looked in to it (and all other options, lipo, etc.) and ended up with cool sculpting. it’s only been about 4 weeks but she said she’s happy with the results.

      If it was just me I’d go for lipo. It may be a little more expensive/invasive but there is no question of it working.

   2. I have not, but if you do get it please report back on your experience!

   3. Interestingly enough, I just got back from my kybella consult! I went in fairly certain I was going to do it, but after talking to the doctor, I might go with lypo instead. It’s a surgical procedure but actually cheaper than kybella and the recovery process is one and done with lypo, where as with kybella there’s a recovery process after every series of injections, which usually have to be done 6-8 weeks apart. With lypo the doctor thought he could be more precise and the recovery process won’t be so prolonged.

10. I love this dress and would put up with the unlined lace, but I wish it were 1-2 inches shorter. Maybe I can hem it…

    1. Hah- Use the fabric left over from hemming, to line the lace insert and you’re set!

11. I am in-house at a large company which recently announced a switch to casual dress code. I’m technically considered a “millenial” but I’ve worked at law firms my entire career and err on the side of more formal in terms of work wear anyway. I look young and have been burned too many times by “oh are you the new intern?” type questions, so I don’t take chances. I know it’s not like jeans are required now, but I definitely get the sense that it would behoove me to play ball and wear jeans once in a while. I tried putting on my “weekend” jeans this morning and felt totally inappropriate. I also don’t really own much besides formal work clothes and athleisure. I think I need to just revamp that side of my wardrobe altogether. So far I’m thinking I need to definitely size up on my jeans so they aren’t skin tight… any other ideas on how to keep it professional feeling with jeans? I realize this is very common in many companies but I am really struggling with it for some reason.

    1. Dark wash is the key. I wouldn’t necessarily size up unless your jeans look like they are painted on. If you are uncomfortable with skinny jeans at work, try a bootcut or flared style with a blazer.

    2. Dark wash. Wider leg cut. Pair with good shoes- nothing makes jeans go from office acceptable to inappropriately casual faster than wearing your old, beat up yard work sneakers. A trouser or boot cut jean paired with heels could help you find a sweet spot between “playing ball” but still feeling dressed for work.

       1. I agree. Check out Raven denim’s trouser cut jeans for an example, and think about how it might style with shoes/jackets/tops you already have.

    3. Echo above – dark wash and good shoes. I also always add a blazer. This makes me feel professional even when I am in jeans and you can casual it up by wearing a graphic t-shirt underneath if that’s doable in your office.

    4. Invest in a couple of well-fitting informal cut jackets. I’ve got a couple of moto-style jackets that I use when I’m at clients with a more casual dress code. It lets me continue to wear the shells and blouses I have for wearing under jackets, but doesn’t have the “suit” look or feel. Then you can look more casual with your regular pants and skirts.

    5. Yeah, I’d go with dark wash jeans (I think skinny jeans are okay if they are not tighter than intended) and a blazer. You could also do chinos, or in the summer cotton or seersucker pants that are suiting pants but not as formal as wool. Depending on how formal you want to be, you could be the same kind of top you always wear (like silk or whatever) plus a suit jacket, or if you feel comfortable less formal, maybe a polo or fitted t-shirt with a linen blazer (I like the look of one J Crew is selling but can’t speak to it IRL). Definitely keep decent shoes, something like the Everlane flats, oxfords or loafers would be the look I would go for. Skinny jeans and heels could risk looking too clubby, but block heels are probably okay.

    6. I have the same dilemma at my firm on denim days and solve it with dark wash straight or boot cut jeans. Wear with heeled booties, wedges, or pumps.

    7. My company recently did the same thing. I’ve found chambray/denim shirts to be a great solution – they bring the casual feeling of denim, but you can wear your old bottoms with them. I also top dresses with denim jackets. All way easier than finding the perfect work jean.

       1. Huh, love this idea. I’d been shying away from buying a chambray shirt because I don’t want to wear denim on denim, but they’d look good with black pants. Or white jeans, maybe.

          1. Or olive. I love chambray and olive/khaki.

    8. Lots of time you can sub in other casual pants that aren’t jeans. In winter lots of senior women that want to fit in but not do jeans- because work appropriate jeans can be super hard to find- wear navy, dark brown or olive cords. I guess the summer equivalent could be dark chinos or similar. It can be easier to find stylish not tight pants instead of just odd-looking jeans.

    9. When I switched from business-side of business casual law firms to a casual-side of business casual workplace, I basically just subbed out my work trousers for jeans. So I still wear my sweaters, silky blouses and blazers but I just pair them with jeans instead of dress pants. I wear all my weekend jeans to work. Most of them are skinny jeans with a bit of stretch and I think they look fine. I wore flats even at the law firms because I have a lot of issues with my feet, but subbing heels for flats is another way to make an outfit more casual.

    10. I’m also in-house for a large company and we have the same dress code. I agree that shoes will make/break your outfit. Also, think about a well-fitting cardigan instead of a blazer, on occasion. I wear a blazer almost every day and someone once referred to me as “the blazer lady” which I hate. So I’m trying to mix it up with a cardigan and also just a nice blouse. Also, look into finding a local stylist who can help you. I did this and it worked great! It was amazing how she added a belt to a blouse that I usually just tucked-in and created a whole new outfit for me out of things I already had in my closet. Her hourly fee was reasonable and it was better than asking a friend because I didn’t worry about hurting her feelings if she recommended something I didn’t like. And in a few hours, I’d purged some things from my closet that and had a ton of new outfits with photos to refer to later.

12. Personally, I think that head-over-heels love you describe exists more frequently in movies/books than in real life. I have been married for several years, and while I love my husband deeply, I have never felt that way about him (or anyone else for that matter). It doesn’t mean he isn’t perfect for me (because he is) or that I don’t love him enough (because I do). It’s just not the way I love, and I don’t feel like my life or relationship has suffered because of it.

    FWIW, I’m also on an SSRI and have been for virtually the entire time I have known him. I do think it takes the edge off emotions, but that’s its purpose, right?

    1. I think so. I noticed that before I was on them, I would often feel random waves of emotion for no reason. It’s really helped give me shock absorbers for stressors, but I guess it has the catch of limiting some of the intensity of everything else.

13. Has anyone taken wellbutrin for low s*x drive and seen results? I’m going to go off of birth control in a few months to see if it comes back at all (and we’re going to start trying to have a kid in the next 6 months anyway so I might as well), but my doctor mentioned this as an option if going off of birth control doesn’t resolve the issue.

    1. No input on wellbutrin, but I have to say going off of birth control made a huge difference for me. Within two weeks, I was noticing a very big difference. I’m going to be following up with my doctor to make sure there isn’t anything else going on (thyroid issues, etc.), but so far the birth control seems to have been the issue.

       1. fingers crossed it works for me too! my drive is at zero and it’s really frustrating for my husband (and me).

       2. same with me

       3. Same. On bc for 15 years, with an awful-if-anything drive for the last…5-6 (pains me to write that!). Went off bc in January and BOOM it was back. I think I’ve gardened more this year than in the past 5-6 combined.

          Of course, ymmv. I was prepred to heck thyroid, etc. if it didn’t return, but I didn’t need to go that route.

          DH, thank you for getting your hose snipped. <3 Wife

       4. Yup, I was on Nuvaring, and before that, the pill. As soon as I went off, my sex drive (especially around ovulation) went through the roof.

    2. I take it for depression and a very high dose (450) but absolutely yes yes yes my drive has increased (though was always high). It also makes you lose weight, gives you energy. Honestly for me it’s a miracle drug and I have had no real side effects (though the high dose can make you a little jumpy / caffeinated feeling). My husband is on it too (we both were taking it when we met), and I’ll say it does a little less for his drive. Though he is on other anti-depressants (abilify) that can reduce it. It may definitely be your birth control! It’s amazing how medicine impacts this stuff. I took Lexapro for two months and couldn’t have an O. Good luck!

       1. I’m jealous. I started taking wellbutrin for depression and hoped to experience all those things people talk about – weight loss, increased drive. None of that happened for me, and on top of it I experienced a rare but serious side effect. Wellbutrin was an all around bummer for me. I’m so envious of the people it works well for.

          1. Ugh I am on it and was like, “hey, I wouldn’t say no to happy/h*rny/skinny just from taking this pill” and … I am less depressed, that’s for sure. But otherwise just kinda the same. Which is really all I want and need, a not-so-depressed me that can work on my issues, but … aw, it would’ve been fun to have a miracle pill that turned me into a movie star.

             1. Haha, yes! A miracle pill that turned me into a movie star. Is that so much to ask for???

    3. Wellbutrin did not increase my s drive.

    4. This is something that I struggle with, low (almost non-existant) drive, but I’m not sure who to seek help from. My ob-gyn? A psychiatrist? A therapist? I suggested some type of couples counseling for this issue but my partner thinks its not a couples issue, its a “me” issue. I just don’t know where to turn. Currently on the p i l l and have been for over 10 years.

       1. Start at the gyn. There are other forms of bc that don’t have the same impact. I investigated nonhormonal forms of birth control and thought quite seriously about getting a copper IUD, but given my specific circumstances with my husband him getting a vasectomy made the most sense and now I’m on no birth control whatsoever.

          If you have a psych already, I’d bring it up, but I wouldn’t seek one out just for this. My guess is they’ll start w medication adjustments at the GYN first and then examine any lingering issues. But IANAD.

          1. And this is a couple issue not a you issue. Your medical situation may be an ingredient–mine certainly was–but overall it takes two to not tango. See what happens and keep therapy open for both of you.

14. Wedding question. This is a second wedding for both of us. We did the big productions the first time around and aren’t interested in that this time. We’d like something intimate where we can really focus on each other and our vows. I’m envisioning something more like an elopement than a wedding – off-the-rack dress, no attendants, no more than a dozen people total.

    I’m pondering what to do about a reception. We’re getting married near his hometown and the majority of his (huge, amazing, loving, joyful) family lives in the area. My family is… let’s call it starchy…and is flung all over the country – we normally only see each other a couple times a decade.

    I think it’d be so fun after the ceremony to have a backyard cookout with all of his cousins and their little ones and great aunts and everyone. I mean a true cookout – jeans and t-shirts and maybe a bounce house for the kids.

    We live in a big East Coast city and his hometown isn’t accessible for, well, anyone who doesn’t live there, so maybe we could do a second reception/cookout at our home for our local friends and invite my family to that one? I mean, truth be told, I’d rather not invite my family to anything because they only understand dry, formal events, but there would definitely be judgment/hurt feelings if they found out we celebrated with his family and didn’t invite mine. We don’t really feel a NEED to have a reception for our friends – we’re older and they understand private ceremonies – I’m just trying to think of a solution for my family.

    Undercurrent running through this: My grandfather passed away last year and things got nasty when his estate was divided and I’m not ready to forgive. My cousins were not involved and may not even know what transpired, but I’m still very upset with my aunts and uncles. But do I want that to color my life going forward? My family is the living, breathing embodiment of Emily Gilmore, so they were never spectacular to begin with, and we’re basically strangers who see each other once every few years anyways, but I’m not sure what I will or won’t regret in the future. If we invite them to the cookout at our house, they will come, and there will be airfare and hotels and logistics and meals to arrange…ugh.

    1. Don’t have a reception. Get married. Have a family cook-out (his family) “just because” a few weeks later, and no one will be the wiser.

    2. Have your lovely wedding with 12 people. Go out to a lovely meal with those 12 people. Do not have a string of “receptions” around the country for people who weren’t invited to the wedding.

       Have a cookout with his family just for fun because you’d like to. Don’t call it a wedding reception or treat it as one.

       1. +1

       2. +1 – I eloped and had a party later with just immediate family and closest friends, and it was perfect because zero people on our list were obligatory invites. If it was just up to me, we wouldn’t have bothered with the party because our tiny wedding was perfect (I did have my sister and best friend there, he had his two best friends and we had a long, lovely dinner after that was the warmest, most perfect dinner of my life). I have a large extended family, who I actually see often and aren’t salty at all, but none went to a single wedding event for me because that’s not how we wanted to get married. I firmly believe a wedding is about you and your partner. That’s it. If people want to have a family reunion or a big party, great do that, but I’m not going to feel obligated to host that affair because I’ve decided to spend my life with my person. Do your small wedding, have a party with his lovely family, enjoy every minute and keep it off social media.

       3. +3

       4. This, 100%.

       5. I had a friend who did have a string of very casual receptions around the country (the one I went to was in an apartment building rec room with simple catering and an iPod and speakers). It was so much fun. I was so glad I got a chance to celebrate with them.

          1. I went to a similar event for friends who got married. It was fun! We joked that it was kicking off W1 and W2’s “Wedding Tour,” and it worked for them.

    3. Have the cookout in his hometown with his relatives and host a dinner in a nice restaurant to commemorate your wedding in your home city for your side. I might even suggest an actual elopement for yourselves so that you can have a truly intimate wedding but that’s a separate question you can decide on.

    4. Would your family do better with a brunch? It could still be informal, but people think brunch is fancy.

    5. Wedding with 12 people and brunch/dinner to celebrate at a restaurant – lots have private rooms for groups this size.

       Cookout with his family to celebration – casual/good wishes only

       Champagne Brunch to celebrate when you next visit your family – formal (restaurant private room)/ good wishes only

       1. And just realized you said dry/formal – so non-alcoholic sparkling wine instead of champagne.

    6. Thanks, you guys! I guess for some reason I just needed permission not to have a reception! His family gets together so often that they won’t mind just giving us a big hug the next time they see us and my family can send a very proper card. Boom, done. My stress has vanished.

       1. Yay! Sending you all the good marriage vibes.

       2. Hooray! Best wishes on your marriage!

    7. Just a thought, but my friends got married a few years ago – both of them in their 60s and had been married before. They had the wedding at the church in the late morning, and just asked people to come, informally. She wore a dress she bought off the rack at Macy’s and I wore a dress I already had. A friend hosted a fun cupcake and champagne party afterward for anyone who wanted to come (including kids) and then they had a small (just family and me, I think) dinner at a restaurant in the early evening. It was all lovely and fun and not to expensive or fancy.

15. Lots of people get fantastic travel recommendations here and I’m hoping the hive might have a couple for me. My SO and I are traveling to Crete, Greece in two weeks and staying near Rethymno. We are debating renting a car and planning on visiting Rethymno, Heraklion, and Chania. Has anyone here visited any of these cities or have any recommendations of must sees?

    1. I do not recommend driving in Greece because (1) the signs might not be great English translations, (2) if you do not drive manual, you might get an automatic that breaks down (3) Heraklion to Chania is about 2 hours (4) the driving is narrow, winding roads, often without guardrails and gravely, (5) I believe you need to obtain an international permit for driving in Greece.

       All that being said, I think Heraklion and Chania are more exciting visits than Rethymnon – I would take a ferry (or, if you must drive, hire a driver).

       1. Thank you for this. My SO drives a manual so I’m not so worried about that. The road conditions and driving permit are good to know about. This is a last minute trip, and Google is information overload. I’ll definately look into the driving permit and the ferry (didn’t even know that was an option).

       2. I strongly disagree with just about all of this. You should definitely rent a car in Crete. I actually think that you would likely feel bored if you didn’t have the ability to explore.

          We drove all over Crete for a week and we were totally fine. We had never rented a car outside the United States before and actually barely drive in the US (don’t currently own a car). Yes, the drivers are a little crazy and the roads can be winding, but just read up on the local road customs and you’ll be fine. I think

          In terms of road signs, again, it wasn’t a big deal. Just rent a GPS with your car or turn on the data on your phone. My husband drove the whole time and I navigated.

          As far as where to rent a car, everything I read said to go with the smaller local rental car companies rather than the big ones, and I’m so glad we did. We had a car waiting for us when we got off the ferry from Santorini in Heraklion, and they were super responsive whenever we had questions or needed anything. We picked up the car in Heraklion and dropped it off in Chania. We used Eurocars Crete (not the same as Europcar, which is an international company).

          We got the international driving permit from AAA. We aren’t even members of AAA and I think it cost about $20 and took approximately 10 minutes. It’s no big deal at all.

          We stayed in the countryside for a few days and then spent a few days in Chania. We liked Chania, but we were so glad to have a car so that we could explore the surrounding countryside/beaches. The highlight of our time in Crete was probably hiking the Samaria Gorge. From Chania, you can take an early morning bus to the top of the gorge, then hike all the way down to this little village by the ocean. It’s a beautiful hike and does take the better part of the day. We then waited a few hours for the ferry, which took us to another little town where you can catch a bus back to Chania. We’re not big hikers and we found the hike to be manageable.

    2. No recommendations, just really jealous!

    3. My sister did! She said the Crete drivers were crazy and the roads were extremely narrow. She survived though, and had a wonderful time.

    4. We are headed to Crete in August for a few days, flying in to Chania and staying near Balos Beach. Would love to hear a report on your trip when you return. We have decided to brave it and rent a car, but I drive a standard well, so hopefully that’s not a mistake!

       1. So far we have a Jeep Safari, sunset snorkeling in underwater ruins, and a cooking class booked. I’ll try to remember to report back at least on the activities and potentially on the driving once we return.

16. Random request – has anyone had a hanging bench swing installed on their porch? We’re looking into doing this but I don’t have anybody to ask in real life for store/company recommendations. Don’t want to spend a ton but also want good quality and comfort!

    1. Not a bench swing, but we have hanging bed swing on our porch. It was expensive, but it is one of our favorite pieces of furniture and had lasted several years. We ordered and had it installed via a local store in the Southeast that specializes in lake house/rustic furnishings. Maybe you have a similar store nearby?

       1. Thanks – haven’t managed to find any place like that nearby (we’re in DC if anyone has suggestions) but will look again.

          1. Lawn and Leisure in Sterling?

17. Well, the deadline for finding a new roommate is tomorrow, the three leads I had last week fell through, and my dad did help connect me with some last night, I e-mailed him about the place but I kind of doubt he’ll be willing to commit that quickly to an apartment sight-unseen.

    Well, I tried. I probably should have acted with a little more urgency in that first week, but at this point, it is what it is.

    Actually, now that I’ve had time to get used to the idea of moving, it’s not so bad. My apartment isn’t perfect, after all. I won’t have a lot of time to find a new place, but when I went apartment hunting four years ago, I was able to find my place quickly, and in June. If I can’t, my parents’ house is close by, moving back with them temporarily isn’t ideal but would help me build my savings and pay off debts. So . . . it’ll work out somehow.

    I was relieved when my boyfriend told me he was intrigued by the idea of living together, but he just doesn’t feel ready to live with a significant other just yet. We can revisit the idea next spring if we’re still together.

    1. This has been my experience literally every time I’ve had to do something like this. People are super flaky and the process is always incredibly stressful, with very little return on the stress, effort, or time you put in to trying to get people to commit to living arrangements.

       1. Yup, I’ve seen others go through it too. This whole thing stinks on ice. I guess I’ve been lucky to get to stay in one place for four years, and easily nailed down a new roommate with enough notice two years ago when my first one moved out. But man, this whole thing is putting me off roommates. People suck.

18. This is mostly just a vent but I would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

    My closest work friend (and officemate) just told me he is leaving to go to another unit in our organization, to a “lean out” position. He is relatively new to the organization and does not get that this will seriously affect his career trajectory and make it nearly impossible to achieve the goals that I thought we shared (think: making partner, but we’re not in Big Law). He did not discuss this with me beforehand and it can’t be undone, so it’s too late to say anything now. Until I found out, I thought that we were both headed in the same direction (in a non-competitive way – there’s plenty of room for us both), and now he’s dropped off the track. I’m incredibly sad to be losing a great officemate and partner on this path – of course we’ll stay friends but it’s not the same if we’re not on parallel treadmills (and not sharing an office). And I’m sad for him because I think he’s doing this for all the wrong reasons.

    The further I’ve gone down this road, the more of my contemporaries and friends have dropped out, and I feel lonely.

    1. I’m sorry you’re losing a work friend who was on the same path, and can understand why you’re bummed about being lonely. But your post comes across as really smug. It’s not for you to say whether or not “he’s doing this for all the wrong reasons.” If you genuinely want to stay friends with him, you should be at least outwardly supportive of whatever he wants to do, unless it’s illegal or dangerous.

    2. I don’t think ppl take quitting or alternative track job lightly.Yes you are close office buddies but there may be other reasons/value system as to why he may be “leaning out”. Maybe he realized the professional track was not for him. Either way give him some space in a non judgey-way and perhaps more of the story will come out later.

    3. Sorry you are loosing your friend, but you’ll get over it. Make a new friend. You’ll get a new office mate. Focus on networking in your area and meeting people who have made moving up a priority for right now.

       You can’t judge other people’s personal choices – you just don’t know what it’s like to live in their skin. For all you know, he’s got health problems or a parent that’s ill. You just shouldn’t judge like this.

    4. I’m sorry you feel lonely, but this is his choice and has nothing to do with you. Nor should you have attempted to talk him out of it. I am sure he has his reasons and you do not have to agree with them. Perhaps he is making the wrong decision, but it’s more likely that he knows exactly what he is doing and it’s the right decision. Unless my friend were moving to a company with obvious legal or ethical issues, I can’t imagine trying to talk them out of it. Let people live their own lives!

       If I were you, I would focus way less on him and more on branching out and forming other relationships with your coworkers.

    5. Sorry but that’s just the nature of professional life. I was biglaw for 8-9 yrs and by the time I left, I was one of 2 people left in a starting class of 52; that other person (not a friend) made partner and I saw the writing on the wall and left prior to the decision point. Yes the journey does get lonelier. Yes the nature of friendships does change when you from being officemates and working in the same function to doing different things. But I wouldn’t under estimate why he’s doing this or assume he made the decision thoughtlessly. Maybe he did. But maybe there is something going on in his personal or family life that you don’t know – even though you talk all day every day. Maybe there’s something that he can’t even articulate – like he wants to have a family and is thinking about how he can’t make it work with the current schedule or whatever. I think the only comfort here is that he’ll remain in your office — so there’s still plenty of chances to drop by; go to coffee/lunch etc. Much harder when a friend leaves the firm and then leaves the city or even moves cross town — then the friendship really changes bc – hey you want to grab a sandwich turns into a lunch that has to be put on the calendar 3 weeks in advance and you lose touch with each other’s day to day.

    6. Do you have romantic feelings for this guy? This seems like kind of an extreme reaction to losing someone who is really just a friend and colleague.

       1. Not necessarily. Not the OP and early in my career I felt that way when close work friends left. Then I realized that’s just the ebb and flow of biglaw and the few true friends remain in your life and the rest were just convenience buddies bc we worked the same hours and thus could get dinner, commiserate about partners etc. but take those bonds away and there wasn’t much there.

    7. So you’re a consultant and he’s jumping off the client service track into an “internal” role like internal company finance or recruiting or professional development? Don’t assume he has no idea what he’s doing. He may be looking at the life he wants 5-10 yrs from now and client service just may not thrill him or maybe it does but he’s realizing it’ll get old – so time to move to something else. And why didn’t he talk to you? Well – he’s an adult and doesn’t need your permission? But you also come across as someone who is 100% into what you’re doing, staying on track, moving up etc. (nothing wrong with that). Likely he thought you’d judge him and try to talk him out of that and he didn’t need that bc he knows what he’s doing.

       Honestly I think besides losing a day to day friend — you’re likely upset deep down bc you thought you were super close and then you feel like he did this “behind your back” and didn’t even discuss it. But again – he didn’t need permission. And as close as work friendships are (and I have a few that are), they only last in the long haul if you truly support the friend as you’d support any non -work friend — i.e. if the common bond is just that you’re in the same associate class, work the same hours on the same cases — that’s not enough for a 10+ yr friendship, that’s just a “convenience” friendship that fizzles when people move on. The friendships that last are the ones where you understand that everyone does what is right for them professionally/life wise and you support/celebrate that genuinely without the judgment of — uh you are jumping off partner track, why!?

    8. I assume you’re fairly young? Given that you have an officemate? I took this stuff hard when I was young too and I assumed that everyone wanted what I wanted. Then life goes on and you realize that even in the 100 hr/wk jobs, everyone is trying to live their own life and while that may appear from the outside to include the same goals as you (i.e. partner) — it doesn’t and that’s ok.

       1. I’m in an org where the only people with single offices are the uber-bosses. We’re 10-15 years out of school.

    9. Thanks everyone for the thoughts. I know I’ll get over it from experience (I’ve been here a while and lots of people have left) but this one stings. I can’t get into too much detail without outing where we work, so just trust me that when I say “for the wrong reasons.”

       Also major eyeroll at the “romantic feelings” poster – we’re both happily partnered with kids, have gone on vacation with each other’s families, and oh yeah one of us is gay.

       1. But I don’t trust you, because your reasons =/= his reasons.

          1. Yeah, even if you don’t like his stated reason(s), he could have reasons related to his personal life that he isn’t comfortable sharing. I don’t see how you could possibly know if his reasons are legit unless you can read his mind.

       2. I hope you don’t tell him any of this are completely supportive to his face. It’s pretty condescending and not very friend-like.

          1. I am 100% supportive to his face, which is why I’m venting here.

       3. I don’t know why other people are being so harsh. I absolutely feel you and have had a few very similar experiences. It’s a huge bummer when you have a super close work friend who then unexpectedly goes in a different direction. Sometimes I’ve been able to stay in touch and other times we’ve drifted apart. Best of luck and know that IMO your feelings are totally normal!

    10. “And I’m sad for him because I think he’s doing this for all the wrong reasons.”

        Come on. Not your business. Be supportive. If he’s such a precious friend to you like you claim, you’ll be supportive. Don’t be supportive and you’ll find that you really do lose this friend.

    11. Whoa, way to make a whole bunch of assumptions about this guy and how smart he is and what’s best for him.

        1. I know right? Why assume he’s moving into a non partner track non challenging function bc he’s dumb and/or hasn’t thought it thru. What if he’s moving into it bc he has decided he wants to start his own business and the only way to do that is to lean way out at work, get the business in order and then quit? Was Zuckerberg dumb bc he skipped virtually every class at Harvard and wasn’t gunning for top honors bc he was too busy programming what would eventually become FB?

19. I have realized that I’m in a Schrodinger’s Parent situation with my husband….tasks such as getting our toddler out the door for daycare are simultaneously easy enough for me to do solo and difficult enough for him so that he needs my help.

    On a positive note — I’m now a convert to ordering groceries on line for delivery. I’ve used Amazon Fresh a few times and have been very impressed with the service, esp since I can go back and add in a few items after my initial order and there’s usually same day or next morning delivery. And I feel so accomplished!

    1. Whopps, meant for the mom board! (And was intended to be mostly funny…)

       1. Schroedinger’s Parent is why we moms always end up as the default.

    2. On the first situation, leave the house or take a shower during the time your husband is getting toddler out the door. It’s not too difficult for him to do it solo, but it’s easy to ask the other parent to pitch in if they’re available. Sometimes our toddler also wants to interact with both parents or just the parent who is busy, but that’s not an issue if he can’t actually see the unavailable parent.

       1. Yep — I’ve realized if I disappear, the stuff just happens (maybe the house is a little messier, but it’s not like I leave it spotless). I’ve also learned to just ignore the protestations and complaints. And the more I do both, the less of an issue it is.

          1. We stagger timing. I leave earlier on the mornings that DH drops toddler off (often leave when they are still eating breakfast). I pick up on those days so I pick up a bit earlier and don’t feel guilty about missing extra time in the morning. DH and toddler will both default to me if I’m around but they do fine on their own.

    3. Do you know how you get better at things that are hard? You practice! Sounds like dear ole dad needs some practice time! It’s probably about time for you to go on a long weekend trip with your girlfriends. Good luck, Pigpen’s Papa!

       Or you could do what I did, and start answering every parenting and household management question my husband asked with “do whatever you would do if I weren’t here.” He got the memo.

       1. Funny you should suggest a trip — I’ve got a solo non-work trip coming up! I’ve had a few 2-4 day trips, and each time prep less — this time I think all I’m going to do is leave a list of what’s supposed to be in her swim bag (swimsuit, towel, change of clothes — SHOCKER) and leave it at that.

          He’s actually really supportive of me taking time away/out of the house, just when I’m there it seems I’m somehow necessary in a way he isn’t…

    4. This morning my husband was taking our kid to daycare and managed to walk out the door without (a) a jacket for the kid in 50s weather (b) the milk in bottles for him to eat and (c) the bag containing a new bag of diapers to drop off at daycare. Sometimes I wonder if I should just let him fail, but haven’t found a “soft” enough situatoin.

       1. Sounds like he needs more practice, along with Pigpen’s Papa! :) What happens if you have to travel for work…?

       2. Jumping back in quickly to agree with ponte python — the more Pigpen’s Papa does things and mildly messes up, the better he is next time — especially if it’s something that other people notice. As kiddo gets older, I’m more likely to just let him forget things — because they aren’t as essential and she can now speak up for herself a bit more — it was a lot harder to do that when she was under-two.

       3. What would you have done if that had been you? I ask because, well, you’d have found a solution and been better the next time. Let him “fail”.

       4. but how does that impact you or kid? Kid needs the stuff so he has to go back to get it and he’s late for work and he learns not to do it next time

20. Hi ladies! I decided I wanted to start a collection of “Anne” books for my daughter (Anne, obviously) to have when she gets older. I have come up with three categories:
    1. Books with an Ann(e) as the heroine or main protagonist
    2. Books about an historical Ann(e).
    3. Books by an Ann(e)

    Any suggestions? In the first category, I have the Anne of Green Gables series, and Persuasion by Jane Austen (Anne Elliot). In the second category I was thinking of Queen Anne, Anne Boylen, and Anne Morrow Lindbergh. In the last category, Ann Patchett (Anne Rice was the other that popped in my head, but I’ve never read her).

    1. Not happy, but Anne Frank. You can search GoodReads for “Anne” and it returns hits for books with that in the title and also authors named Anne.

    2. Anne Frank, Anne McCaffrey, Annie Barrows and Ann Aguirre come to mind.

    3. This is such a cute idea! I love Anne Rice, but her stuff definitely isn’t for everyone. Check out the blog Modern Mrs Darcy- she has a million book recommendations (you could probably just search “Anne”) and as a bonus, her name is Anne!

       1. I was very into Anne Rice as a late teen. For a bit younger age, the Three Musketeers (Anne of Austria). Also: Anne Frank and Annie Oakley. Anna Karenina, too, if you’re open to Annas.

       2. I was very into Anne Rice as a late teen. For a bit younger age, the Three Musketeers (Anne of Austria). Also: Anne Frank and Annie Oakley. Anna Karenina, too, if you’re open to Anna.

    4. If you are interested in mixing it up a smidgen, Ana of California is a modern retelling of Anne of Green Gables with a Mexican American girl as the protagonist.

    5. 1,2, and 3: Anne Frank
       1. Merry Wives of Windsor (Anne Page)
       3. Anne McCaffrey

       If you can mix it up — https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/main-characters-named-anna

    6. The Diary of Anne Frank

    7. I highly recommend Anne McCaffrey. Her Pern series is great, I read it both as a teen and a couple years ago.

    8. Thanks! Can’t believe I didn’t think of Anne Frank. This is going to be a long term project as she isn’t even reading yet, but my thought was to give her an age appropriate “Anne” book for each birthday, Christmas etc. when she is older.

    9. This is adorable. I treasure a well-loved novel that my grandmother enjoyed when she was young–the book itself is not that remarkable, but she liked it because the protagonist was–like her–named Edna!

       I would add Anne Lamott (lovely essays on parenting, faith, the human condition), Anne McCaffrey (scifi/fantasy), Anne Sexton (poetry), and Anne Tyler (novels and short stories about families and everyday frustrations) to your list of authors, but I’d probably skip Anne Rice (vampires, Southern Gothic, and fairytale p*rn). Ymmv, though–I guess it depends on what you want to let your daughter discover on her own! And “The Baby Sitters Club” series is not great literature, but author Ann M. Martin would be a great figure to have on your daughter’s bookshelf.

       I like including Anne Boleyn, but obviously her story doesn’t end well–I’m actually having trouble thinking of an objective (not even sympathetic) portrayal of her, so maybe that’s just a subject for further research. Granted, I’d also certainly include Anne Frank, and give yourself space to have that conversation with your daughter.

       1. There are fantastic graphic novel adaptations of the Babysitters Club books – highly recommended for the 6-9 age group.

    10. Lisa Scottoline has a series of mystery novels at an all-women law firm (and a number of unrelated books as well) and they are both page-turns and funny and really fun for lawyers, IMO. Most of the books center on the senior partner, Benny Rosato, or the junior Mary DiNunzio but different attorneys are protagonists in different books; one of the associates is named Anne and she’s at the center of “Courting Trouble.” So save that for when your daughter is in law school?

21. Suggestions for something to do for a few hours in Orange County, CA? I have a few hours to kill after meetings this afternoon. Staying in Huntington Beach, but I have a rental car. I spent yesterday afternoon wandering around Crystal Cove, so already done that. Prefer outdoorsy things, though the weather is rather cool and overcast today, so I’ll take indoor suggestions.

    1. Huntington Beach is so far north in Orange County that you might try Long Beach (which is in LA County). They have a really nice aquarium, which would be indoors but have elements of outdoorsy. if you don’t mind a bit of a drive, you could also try Mission San Juan Capistrano, but that is in the southern part of the County and that traffic tends to be a bear lately because of freeway construction.

       Sorry the weather is bad for your visit! (Although pretty typical for May/June)

       1. Thanks! How long do I need for a good visit to the aquarium? My last meeting is actually in long beach, so that might work out well if I have enough time for it to be worth it.

          1. You can see the aquarium in 2-3 hours if you do not want to do the shows. It is not Monterey, but it is a nice aquarium and right on the waterfront..

             1. Sorry just saw this – but yes 2-3 hours is plenty of time although you can make it last longer.

    2. There’s a nature center at the Back Bay, called the Newport Science Center maybe? There’s a hiking trail there too, the Back Bay Loop Trail.

       More indoorsy, Orange County Museum of Art often has good stuff, and you’d be right by Fashion Island (aka Fascist Island!) for $$$ shopping. There’s also South Coast Plaza, for more shopping — it’s across the freeway from the headquarters (???) of TBN, which you can just wander around? Totally surreal and it feels very Orange County, if you’re in the mood for something like that.

       The Bowers Museum in Santa Ana is neat, and afterwards you could wander around the Artists Village (I think that’s what it’s called?) by Main Street in Santa Ana.

22. I need some help or advice, and I’m not sure where to start.

    My partner and I are both looking for new jobs. I’m employed, but underpaid (extremely), and my office environment is awful (think associates being told that they are replaceable, or that they are failing their clients, that they are stupid, unprofessional, etc.), and my partner has been unemployed since late last year.

    I’ve also got close friends/family who are starting new jobs, or stuck in positions that they hate, and they routinely call me for support, or to share their worries. My partner is extremely demoralized about his job search. He’s increasingly worried about the amount of time he has been off (almost 8 months at this point). He’s had several interviews, and we always get our hopes up despite trying not to, so inevitably, there’s a crash when he gets yet another rejection. I feel awful for him – the market is just awful for his line of work, and there’s no question that he’s working hard towards finding a new position. I’ve tried my best to be as supportive as possible. I help prep him for interviews, I double check his application materials for him whenever he asks, I discuss strategies with him, but I’m just….tired. I’m tired of having to look for work myself (I’ve been looking for the better part of a year), I’m tired of my own awful work environment, and I feel incredibly, incredibly guilty for saying this, but I am tired of playing cheerleader for everyone when I am so stressed about my own situation.

    I’ve tried to take steps to cope with the things that are in my control: I don’t work long hours at my current job unless I absolutely need to; I have started working out regularly, and I’ve dedicated some time to indulge in my favourite hobbies. I suppose that my question is: if I am already doing all that, and I’m still struggling with how to be a supportive partner/sibling/friend, how do I stay positive and support the people in my life who need it? I guess I feel like I’m running on fumes and I’m barely holding it together.

    1. I think a first step is you cut out being a listening ear for everyone except your partner. Tell your friends and siblings that it’s been a very stressful year of job-hunting for both you and your partner and you’re not in the right frame of mind to listen to their work-related woes or other routine stresses (obviously if you have a friend going through something tragic, like losing a parent, that’s different – I’m talking about fairly routine venting). If I were your friend I would understand and take my venting elsewhere, and I’d be glad you let me know so I wasn’t further burdening you.

    2. I totally get this. A lot of my friends are looking for jobs and it’s assumed that because I have a job, my life is great compared to theirs, regardless of what I’m actually going through at my job and in my personal life. You need to find a place to vent. You’ve been the cheerleader, but sometimes you have to take out the pigtails, let the smile drop, and say THIS. REALLY. S*CK$. If you can’t talk to partner about this, try to find a friend or even a relative who you can talk to without having to be their therapist. Your situation sounds really difficult but you’re been there for everyone else in your life and you deserve acknowledgement of that!

    3. I think you can just tell your siblings and friends that you might be a sucky friend for a while as you go through this spell – and they will understand! Its okay to be like “I have this life thing and its sh*tty and I need some support.”

       I also think if you can take some vacation to take some vacation. Maybe even a personal vacation away from your husband. Go travel to a friend for a weekend and just get spoiled by them.

       Add some things on the calendar that are in your control. Maybe there is an art exhibit you really want to see thats coming through your town. Put it on the calendar- thats something to look forward to that will happen. Look for local summer outside concerts or movies that you would enjoy – and add it to the calendar.

       Last solution – put some “me indulge” time into every day. Maybe its a bath at the end of the night. Drinking your favorite tea at breakfast. Do some meditation during lunch time, walk through a nearby park and have a summer picnic, bring a book and get 30 minutes of complete fluff reading in (highly recommend the Kevin Kwan series for some light beach type reads).

    4. If you’re in law (which I’m assuming) just wanted to share that there’s a great FB group called “Law Job Exchange” which might be useful for you

    5. Sometimes I find it helpful to just acknowledge to myself that I’m going through a particularly stressful time, and it’s going to suck for a while, but it won’t last forever. Otherwise, the expectation that I should be able to do something to make me feel better (work out more, eat better, meditate) just adds to the stress.

23. I’m dating an amazing guy, who doesn’t prioritize health. Working out, healthy eating, etc. It’s starting to bother me and I’m not sure why. Should this be a concern?

    1. Figure out why it bothers you and then decide if it’s a concern. We can’t decide that for you.

    2. No one can answer that for you. I never work out. I could eat healthier. I totally get that’s a deal breaker for some people. I, on the other hand, loathe people who watch every bite and think working out is a hobby. So I just don’t date them and that works out well.

    3. It doesn’t matter if I think it’s a concern. If this is something you value in a partner and you can’t see yourself with someone who doesn’t have the same values in this area, you’re going to get judgmental and resentful and it won’t end well.

       For me, I don’t need someone who is in the gym every day, but I do need to be with someone who understands how their life choices can affect their loved ones. For example, I would not want to start a family with someone who smokes or who is morbidly obese, because those are factors which can decrease the life expectancy of someone and are things that can be changed (understanding it is difficult to do so). I also wouldn’t want my children to see that model of living. To each their own, but it’s important to me to model good healthy behaviors and to understand how my choices affect my partner and my family.

    4. How bad is it? Is it just that he doesn’t go to the gym, or does he say things like “vegetables, what are those?” and “yeah I’m into fitness, fittin’ this whole pizza in my mouth!”? Because the the latter would definitely get on my nerves, especially if the guy lead a super unhealthy lifestyle and refused to even consider making better choices. If it’s the former, maybe the two of you can find active stuff to do together, like going for walks, or renting kayaks when the weather’s warm enough.

    5. Depends on the life style you want to live.

    6. How unhealthy is he?

       Depending on how serious your relationship is you could point out to him that you would be really devastated if something happened to him and it scares you that his life habits are going to lead him in a direction of having a stroke etc. And you want to be able to spend as many healthy, active years together. Point out (again depending on how unhealthy he is) that if he doesn’t make life habit changes he might not be able to keep up with you when you are 50.

       How healthy are his family members? Maybe he never learned good habits for them or had a role model. Or maybe he thinks you eat what you want to eat and you don’t exercise and you die at 65 from a heart attack and thats life and thats his expectations. If you have different expectations you might want to have a hard conversation with him (again depending on how serious you are) about what kind of spouse/role model you will want for future children or what you want to teach your future children.

       Also Gretchen Rubin’s categories for people might provide interesting insight. Like if he is an obliger he might need to make health changes for someone else (like you).

    7. Fitness and healthy eating are a spectrum and I think most people have a problem at some point along the spectrum but that point is different for everyone. I’m sure many people would say I’m not fit and don’t eat well because I never go to the gym and have an insane sweet tooth that I indulge often. But I am slim and active and I wouldn’t want to date someone who was seriously overweight or wasn’t healthy enough to enjoy outdoor activities with me.

       1. This kind of comment drives me nuts. What about someone who’s overweight and goes to the gym and doesn’t indulge their sweet tooth? You’re not better than them because they’re thin.

          1. I do agree it’s a stereotype that overweight people are lazy and can’t keep up with thin people. I have known overweight people who’d huff and puff through activities I’d have no problem with, and say things like “you expect me to walk that far? I can’t do that, I’m fat!”, but there are also overweight people who have a ton of energy and stamina. You can’t lump them all in one group!

          2. I wouldn’t want to date someone who was seriously overweight because I’m not attracted to seriously overweight people and I believe physical attraction is an important part of dating. I know you can go to the gym and eat well and still be overweight and I wasn’t trying to suggest otherwise. Sorry if it came out wrong.

             Overweight/not active are also two separate things. I wouldn’t want to date someone who is seriously overweight regardless of their fitness level and I wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t have a reasonable amount of energy regardless of their appearance. I didn’t mean to suggest they are perfectly correlated. There are definitely lots of heavy people who are more athletic than me.

    8. It is if your lifestyles won’t be compatible. Like if you like long walks or bike riding, and you’ll be doing it alone. Dogs that need walking that again you’re doing alone. Or if you prefer to eat healthily and he won’t. And you think you’re setting a good example but that person balloons up over the years. As we say here, ask me how I know!

       And also, assuming he looks good now, one really has a responsibility to the other person to keep themselves up. Are you going to be ok with it if he doesn’t?

    9. It’s ok for this to be a deal breaker. I’m healthy in that I’m well versed in nutrition and don’t keep junk food in my house, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stop at Dairy Queen on a road trip for a Blizzard! Some weeks I manage to run 4 days and some weeks I don’t run at all. But I’m always aware of my health and believe that eating right and exercising are important and I expect the same in my partner.

       I’ve dated super athletes, and I don’t jive really well with them because I get a little insecure about how often I’ve exercised or whether I ate that Blizzard, but that’s me. Likewise, I wouldn’t be into someone who’s unhealthy because health is something I value and it’s important enough to me that I need a partner to value it as well.

    10. It should be a concern if it’s a concern to you. I wouldn’t be interested in someone who wanted to go to the gym every day. DH doesn’t belong to a gym but it often active outdoors and running indoors. I wouldn’t want to be with a couch potato or a fitness obsessed guy – I need active but not obsessive. That’s me. You do you.

    11. It’s ok if it bothers you, and it’s ok if it doesn’t.
        I love having a partner I got to the gym with, and who encourages me to eat healthier meals and take care of myself, and who will do active hobbies with me. I love that its one of the ways he encourages me and helps me to be better.
        There is a downside- he spends a lot of time at the gym, even when we don’t have much time together. Some of my friends say it would drive them crazy if their husband was working 14 hour days (we both work long hours) and then instead of spending his limited time off with them, spent another 2 hours a day at the gym. I don’t always love that, but its a price of admission that I’m willing to pay for the upsides.
        I think you have to decide what’s important to you (and what’s an acceptable price of admission for you) and know that it is ok to value whatever you prefer in a partner and you don’t owe an explanation or justification to anyone!

24. I applied for a job I’m very interested in about six months ago and was told that they were impressed with my resume but had many qualified applicants so would not be interviewing me. (Context: it’s a senior litigation position for a public interest organization and said that litigation experience was more important than subject matter experience; I have tons of litigation experience but not much — and none recent — in the specific subject matter). The posting never came down from the employer’s website and was recirculated last week, so after consulting Ask a Manager, I emailed the hiring contact last week to reiterate my interest. I was told my application remains on file and to forward any updated materials that I think would be relevant.

    What, if anything, do I send? I have no more subject matter experience that before. I could send a writing sample, an online link to an appellate argument I did, a letter from a reference… should I send any of these? Something else? Nothing?

    1. Move on and put it out of your mind. I don’t think they’re likely to hire you. I’d only send an update if it were for something significant or *very* relevant.

    2. I am not a litigator, but I would find something to send along to make your application live again. Link to an appellate argument from the last six months sounds good to me, but… well, I’m not a litigator.

25. Wanted to follow up with “Wealth Disparity” from yesterday. Sorry you got piled on so much – nobody seemed to answer your question! I am in a similar situation to you and have an extremely loving and close relationship with my parents and with my in-laws. Most important is for you to be on the same page with your husband. Ultimately, this is your life together. Truly no strings attached means your parents want to facilitate and make your life easier. So if that means you are not a family that wants to belong to a country club, you should feel comfortable saying that to your parents and they will respect that (if they don’t, now you know). If you do, then great! But the key is talking about it with your husband and then with your parents. For some, as was pointed out yesterday, there is a string attached in that it is creating the expectation that you will live your lives the same way as them – if you don’t want to live your lives the same way, this is a ‘string’ but if not, then it’s not. Only you and your husband can decide that. My husband never bristled at the ‘pride’ aspect of it – mainly because we *could* afford certain things but it wouldn’t be prudent with our financial goals of saving (in part so that we can give the same to our children and grandchildren). But he did bristle at not getting a say in matters. For us, that was solved by him being in the loop and having a say and us making decisions as a couple, but we have a very open and honest relationship with my parents.

    1. Same. I think a lot more people are in your shoes than you realize. We are!

       I also think there’s a strong thread running throughout your post of concern that your kids grow up with all the advantages you had, which is totally reasonable. I read somewhere that we always assume we will have the same lifestyle or better as we grew up with, and it can be jarring to realize that might not happen. In my case it is. I grew up privileged and am realizing that some advantages I will be able to give my kids (I hope to pay for college) but some just aren’t going to happen (the same summer vacation experiences, for sure). Similarly, our house is just not going to be as nice as the one I grew up in. And that’s totally fine but it’s something you have to wrap your head around.

       My husband is really happy to accept help from my parents I think because he himself is a relatively high earner and he is very secure in his ability to provide. I can see how if I were married to a teacher, for example, who was dedicated but not earning as much it might be more awkward. He’s also just very secure in our relationship and in his relationship with them. He has no problem saying no when he wants to – I’d make sure your husband feels he can do that too!

    2. What a great response. I completely agree with you.

       My husband’s family comes from extreme wealth and I grew up comfortably in the middle class. My in-laws paid our initiation fee for our country club and we maintain the monthly dues and bill. We had a choice in which country club we wanted to join and this was a “gift”.

       I feel incredibly blessed to have generous in-laws but they don’t {always} force decisions on me. If I am feeling pressured, it’s something I bring up with my husband. He will tell his parents to pump the brakes.

       I’m sorry there is stress in your relationship over your parents involvement. Perhaps it has to do with pride? Or your parents being too involved in your day-to-day lives? It’s hard to judge the situation from the outside.

26. How much do you opine/how honestly do you opine when a work friend is talking about a possible move to a new city for her husband’s job? This is someone who I’ve grown friendly with over the last 3 yrs but we’re not talking BFFs who eat lunch every day and hang out outside of work.

    So her DH is a dr. who has a post fellowship offer at a top hospital in our area – this would allow them to stay here and her keeping her job and they were pretty much set. Then another offer comes along from an equally top hospital in another market and now he wants that one. She’s a lawyer – our market is pretty tight – and she’s worried about how she’d find yet another job in the secondary market where he wants to move. His views on this are useless — i.e. oh you can just commute to the closest major city (2+ hrs one way – they have 2 small kids – get real). She got into this and I pretty much just made the noises I’m supposed to make as she contemplates leaving law, letting his career be primary etc. — i.e. just validated what she was saying w/o much opinion of my own. In my mind I was thinking – uh send out your resume to the 3-4 big/midlaw firms in that area and 2-3 big in house departments; if you get one of those jobs – fine go. If not, he stays and accepts the offer he already has – you have already moved 3 times for his career (med; residency; fellowship) and now he needs to “sacrifice” for you. So how much/little do you opine on these things? I felt so unhelpful – and yet I did not want to opine on a casual friend’s marriage.

    1. Don’t opine. She’s smart, she knows anything you would be saying to her. There’s only a downside.

    2. I would try to get a feel for what she is expecting of you in this conversation. Ask her questions about how she is feeling about it, what her concerns or hopes are. Let the way she reacts to your questions guide what you say.

       1. She gave me some of that but I still don’t know what to say. I took this as a sign that I don’t know her well enough to opine. For example – she doesn’t love law so she thinks maybe she could leave it and just get a non law job in the other location. But then she asks – is it ok to do that/would she be happy? Um – IDK if someone else will be happy. All I said was if you want to leave law – great – but look at it as if you’ll never get to come back to it again and think about how you’d feel; given how tight our field is, it is next to impossible to leave for 3 yrs and go do something else and then re enter bc hiring partners are not understanding of such things esp when they have 50 other “traditional” applicants to choose from.

          I’m asking here bc this convo isn’t over – I have a feeling this will come up over the next few months as she decides.

          1. If she asks if it’s ok to leave law, then the answer is yes. It’s fair to say you can’t tell what will make her happy – and neither can she until she does it, really. But the answer to the first question should be an unequivocal yes, not “If you want to do it, great, but….” If you’ve pointed out once how hard it can be to return to law, I definitely wouldn’t keep harping on it. I think this one of those situations where you can point out potential downsides once but then you should just be supportive.

    3. Don’t opine.

    4. I wouldn’t say anything. You don’t know what their arrangement is, and while I think it’s ridiculous that the husband’s career is always the priority, they might not.

       1. This. I know of more than 1 couple where the DH’s career is always the priority. Ironically both DHs are doctors who relied heavily on their lawyer wives to pay the bills yet when DH gets an offer he wants, they move — even if he has another offer locally; even if it’ll cause the wife to re start her career for the umpteenth time; even if DH needs the wife to work and thus maybe it’d be better to have some stability. I don’t say anything – I don’t get it and would never agree to it but obv they have some understanding.

          1. I’ve seen this before too. Thus far I’ve seen that understanding – even from banker/lawyers wives to be that they’ll uproot a million times for their doctor DH’s training with the ultimate goal of staying home, working very part time, and/or starting a business in an unrelated field once DH is making the big bucks. So they are willing to go along with all these moves bc a Harvard residency followed by a Stanford fellowship positions DH for the right jobs. Granted OP’s friend seems a lot more confused what she wants long term for herself and only she can work that out.

    5. I think it’s ok to make a suggestion as a question, like, “Can you start applying before he has to answer and let that guide you? Is there any sort of trailing spouse program where you could get an in-house position?” In other words, I think you can help brainstorm with her, but otherwise just listen to her and offer a little sympathy about how difficult the choice is.

    6. Ill jump in here. I was once in your friend’s shoes and it is not an easy place to be. My (now ex) husband was a top performer in his MD/PhD program, so we moved for his residency at a top program in another state. Which resulted in fellowship offers in yet another state. He truly had no idea how difficult this made my career development (I as a baby associate at the time).

       At least in his program, very, very few of his colleagues had wives with professional careers. So his expectations were that he should be able to make the moves that were best for his career with no thought to mine. Because this is what was modeled for him in his program. There were two other wives with law degrees – both had left law to follow their husbands’ careers.

       This played a huge role in our eventual separation (although admittedly there were lots of other issues).

       I have to say, though, that not all firms are not understanding. My mid-sized firm from state A continued to let me work remotely, traveling to the office frequently (on their dime) to keep me with them. This arrangement continued for years. Of note, I am now back in state A, and a partner at said firm.

       I had the same conversation with many friends as you are now having. Honestly, I would have like someone to tell me not that it was okay to leave law (because I heard that often, along with “your husband is a doctor, you will be fine”) but that it was also okay if I didn’t want to leave law, didn’t want to move again, and didn’t want to follow him. I don’t know that you are close enough to her to say that, but I truly wish one of my good friends had told me this.

       Also of note – we did not have children, which I recognize complicates matters.

       1. Hearing from her about this process over the last few months I’ve said to her – this process of getting attending jobs sounds like it was developed 30+ yrs ago when doctors were all men all with non working wives who could pick up and move to Seattle or Sioux Falls or wherever their DH needed to be.

          1. Yup. Academia is the exact same way. You pick up and move every 2-3 years, often to small college towns that are far from major cities and have no industry or professional employment options except the university, public schools and healthcare.

             1. And women are much more likely than men to have spouses who expect to work and won’t move to a place where they can’t work, so this is a big factor driving women out of academia.

       2. Just jumping in that I think your response is great advice, even for those with kids. In fact, maybe even moreso. I can’t imagine constantly moving my kids for my DH’s career (new daycares/schools/nannies) unless that was a decision we had made together and quite intentionally decided to live that way.

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