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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I just bought three pairs of these pants, so I feel that it’s my responsibility to share them with the world. The Old Navy pixie pants have been a bestseller for the brand for several years, but this cut is my personal favorite. The waist is high, but not too high; the fabric is thick, but not too thick; and the straight cut is the perfect transition if you’re just starting to lean away from a skinnier fit.
I wore the “bourbon” color to work with a black turtleneck and black loafers and it felt like a perfect casual Friday fit.
The pants are on sale for $40 — and today you can get 30% off your Old Navy order, including clearance. They come in regular sizes 0-30, tall sizes 2-20, and petite sizes 0-20. They’re available in five neutral colors and a really lovely dusty pink.
P.S. Happy Rosh Hashanah to those who celebrate!
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
Following up on the posts yesterday, any other ladies out there having an hard time with the trend moving away from heels? I want to be comfy, but am short and feel better having a little extra height from my shoes. I work in a professional environment and haven’t figured out great options to replace my standard pumps, which do feel a bit dated now.
JB
I’ve recently purchased two pair of chunkier block heels that are only two inches high. I think it is visually closer to the trends, but still gives some height.
Anon
I’d love that with even a 1″ heel. I can’t find “executive” flats. Everything that doesn’t have a pointy toe reads to me as very juvenile or geriatric, so all very comfy and practical but I need something a bit elevated in its design or materials. Is there anything out there???
Anon
MGemi usually has some
Anne-on
Sarah Flint, MGemi, The Fold (they are $$ but their flats are very comfy), Boden (you may have to dig a bit for non-twee ones) and Kate Spade are my source. I don’t wear heels anymore and people have frequently commented on my pretty flats!
Anonymous
I still wear heels! I have a few pairs of Clarks heels (but cute ones, not ones that *look* like Clarks). They’re very comfy (I will wear them while standing at my sit / stand desk). I’m 5’4 so I also appreciate the extra height. One pair is tan suede with a block heel (that’s stacked wood), so it feels pretty on trend. The other pair is just a plain black pump, but it honestly feels fresh to me.
My team is pretty traditional, so I can’t get away with trendier options, but I see plenty of people in the hallways in heeled or wedge sandals or platform shoes. Slingback heels are also having a moment right now; I love the look but can’t wear them. I also see lots of heeled / elevated clogs and mules; very on trend and very cute.
In my personal life, I wear a LOT of platforms. They’re trendy and a fun way to add height. I have platform sandals, sneakers, mule clogs, and boots. I love them all and always get compliments on them.
Anon
Petty rant: 5’4” is the height of the average American woman. You’re not short! There’s nothing wrong with you! Of course you should wear heels and platforms if they bring you joy but your height doesn’t require correction.
Anon
TBH, no height requires correction.
I will often use a heel as a lazy and cheap person’s way to avoid hemming pants.
Anonymous at 9:28
I never said there was anything wrong with me or that being short is bad and requires correction, I just prefer being taller and having more height.
While 5’4 may be the average height, I wear petites, have trouble finding clothes that fit me appropriately, and many of my female friends and relatives are at least 5’8, so I feel short even if I’m average height.
Anon
I think that must be really regional? I’m 5’3″ and am very frequently the shortest person in a room, so much so that people frequently comment on it.
Anon
Are you in the upper midwest? I am a lot shorter in Minnesota vs the NYC/DC area.
Anonymous
The regional thing is so true!
anon
11:09, I remember traveling to Boston in my early 20s and feeling like a giant. I’m 5’9″. Pretty unremarkable in my Midwest city!
Anonymous
It’s those viking genes.
Anon
My sister lives near Minneapolis and I swear they are all giants.
Anonymous at 9:28
I’m in the Northeast, but my four closest friends are all 5’8 or 5’9. I definitely feel short, even if I’m apparently average height.
Anne-on
I’m 5’4 and super short compared to my giant Germanic family (based in the south) and also feel very short in Europe (Germany and the Nordic countries especially). I feel like I’m medium to tall in NYC where there is much more diversity.
Seventh Sister
I’m almost 5’6″ and feel fairly tall in Los Angeles. There are plenty of taller people, but I routinely tower over men and women in my neighborhood.
Anon
I’m 5’10” in the Bay Area and I feel on the tall side of normal, but not like an Amazon.
Seafinch
My husband’s family are exceptionally tall and always refer to me as “short” and I am 5’8″. I would say I am slightly above average but not tall by regional standards in Ottawa, Canada.
Anon
I’ve moved on to block heels and kitten heels. I agree that stiletto heels look so dated
Senior Attorney
Same here — block heels and kitten heels, no taller than 2 inches. Also I am 5’2″ and just embrace being short.
Anon
I have the opposite problem, I love the look of heels and disagree that they look dated, I still see plenty of people in them, they’re just hard for me to wear now so I welcome the sneaker trend. But if you can wear them, do it! I think fashion is back to before times overall.
Anon
I love the look of heels and disagree that they look dated, I still see plenty of people in them, they’re just hard for me to wear now so I welcome the sneaker trend. But if you can wear them, do it! I think fashion is back to before times overall.
Anon
I am out of touch with what’s in style right now. In the past, when flats were in style I always went with some kind of hidden mini wedge to get a boost while still looking current. Are people getting away with that now?
Anonymous
I am still wearing block heels. My physical self is 5’6″ and my inner self is 5’9″, so heels just feel right.
Anon
My inner self is 5-9 also. My outer self is not keeping up.
Anonymous at 9:28
Yes, in my mind I’m like 5’8 and much more athletic and willowy than I am IRL!
Anon
In my head, I am a race horse. In reality, I am a Shetland pony.
Anon
I’m 5’8 and would like to be about 5’9 or 5’10, so I adore 2″ heels.
anon
Look for a chunkier or block heel. I find a small, sturdy heel (2″ or less) more comfortable than flats.
Sunshine
I’ve always worn more block heels. I’m now in the office a few times per month and still wear my block heels. Although I am tall and slender, I feel short and stumpy when I’m in flats with work clothes. I otherwise have no body issues, and I cannot explain why this becomes a problem with shoes and dress clothes.
Anonymous
I still wear a lot of heels. I love them. I don’t think they are ever out of style.
No Face
If you like them, keep wearing them! Whenever I see I woman in heels, I think she looks great. I am just deeply committed to my own comfort now.
anon
If you have the budget, the Chloe Oli has been my favorite replacement for the standard 3 inch pump update. Other options have been pretty chunky loafers, and platformed flatter sandals (think if you cut off the platform it would be kitten heel height). Not short, but also love a bit of extra height where heels put me close to 6ft tall.
Anon
Wear what makes you feel good! Height is like natural hair- no one seems satisfied with what they have! I’m 5’8″ and usually avoid heels due to not wanting to tower over men. I feel like 5’7″ is the average male height in my city.
Anon
I’m 5’9” and I wear 4-5 inch heels precisely to tower over everyone when I feel like I need a power flex.
Mpls
Ditto. Almost 5’10 and i tend to do more wedges than heels, but have some block heels in rotation. I call them my 6 foot shoes (you know, because they make me at least 6 foot).
I’m going to stick out height wise, no matter what I do, so I might as well own it and have some fun shoes to do it in. Besides, I have big feet and those can start to look like boats in some flats (design that are cute at size 7 don’t always scale well for bigger feet).
Anonymous
Ha, I wear heels specifically so I can tower over the men, or at least be at their eye level.
Anon
+1
Exactly.
I work mostly with men, and I actually enjoy being taller than some of them, with heels.
Don’t underestimate the power of this. It gives me strength.
Anon
I wear heels at work precisely so I can be at eye level or taller than men. Men who can’t handle that have a problem.
Anonymous
Looking at the high end brands, I have seen block heel loafers and dainty kitten heels.
KJ
I’m with you on the height! I’m in a setting where I don’t really feel that’s “the trend,” so hard to give advice there, but I think the general advice would be to just do it if you want to? You can try to update your shoes to feel a little more on-trend, or try to wear clothes that draw less attention to what shoes you’re wearing (full length, wide-legged pants).
Anon
AITA? I planned a nice dinner at a seafood restaurant for DH and kids and my in-laws on Sat. In-laws are taking the train to us, I wasn’t told whether they’d arrive Fri evening or Sat morning. DH knows the plan bc I gave him the choice of two restaurants. This morning he tells me that he planned for everyone to go tonight to the almost as nice seafood restaurant around the corner from the nice one. I think it’s a stupid plan and feel undercut and devalued.
Cat
I’m not seeing a big issue here other than out of town visitors that you have no clue of arrival time. Why not say to DH “did you forget we’re going to Nice Seafood place tomorrow? How about you pick a different type of food.” Unless there’s a pattern of this kind of thing I wouldn’t assume bad intentions…
Anon
+1
On the surface I saw nothing wrong with this, unless it’s a pattern. I wouldn’t jump to undercut and devalued. But, for me making dinner plans / reservations doesn’t feel like something that requires much effort, if this is a big deal to you and you do assign value to that it may be different.
Cat
Expanding on my own reaction — to me, I would be beyond irritated that I didn’t know whether I needed to plan for Friday night guests at this late notice, and so when your husband made the Less Nice Seafood plan it was like “omg not only do I have to deal with these people tonight but he thinks we should go THERE after we already talked about it” — is it possible you’re getting p!ssed about the wrong thing?
Anon
Unless there are other issues that you don’t elaborate on here, this feels like an overreaction on your part.
Anon
Yes, I don’t understand the issue.
Anon
I think I would kind of feel that he had not really been listening to me, and that is what is behind his duplicative choice. But it would bother me that it felt like he was tuning me out.
anon
Me, too. And I would be super annoyed by not knowing when the guests are actually arriving. I realize this is how some family rolls, but mine is not this way and it will never not drive me insane.
Anonie
I don’t think it’s a big deal. Who cares if people eat at similar restaurants 2 nights in a row? But from here on out, I recommend you drop the ball on this visit and go to the flow. Why should you be the one to plan dinner for Saturday night? Either your husband can do it, or when Saturday night rolls around, you all can agree on the place at the spur of the moment or order a pizza. Taking on the emotional labor of making a plan is part of the source of your frustration; if you let it go, you may feel better. I’ve been trying to think to myself “drop the ball” consciously, and it actually feels great (and things turn out fine without being planned meticulously by me!)
Anon
This is the way to go. DH is in charge of planning for his parents’ visits – I just go with the flow (and sometimes, “work obligations” come up). Good luck!
anon
Yeah, I’d cancel the Saturday reservation, tell him I cancelled because you all are going out for seafood Friday, and let him figure Saturday out. If my husband actually made plans for his family’s visit I would be so glad that I would not want to discourage it, no matter how annoying.
Anonymous
I would be very annoyed that I don’t know when my guests are coming, but I would not be annoyed that my husband planned a similar dinner to one I had planned.
If you think it’s a stupid plan, have you suggested going somewhere else tonight? I love seafood and would be happy to eat nice seafood two nights in a row, but if that’s not for you I’d suggest an alternative.
No Problem
I would be annoyed that he planned a similar dinner to the one I planned. Unless the guests LOVE seafood, it’s a terrible plan. I mean, I like a good steak but I wouldn’t want to go to two different steakhouses two nights in a row. Husband needs to pick a different restaurant for tonight.
Anonymous
I’d be annoyed. You planned a special dinner but instead of being a special unique experience it will be duplicative of the dinner from the previous night. Of course that detracts from the experience. DH should make a reservation elsewhere.
This board’s overwhelming response every time someone posts this fact pattern is that you’re being unreasonable – I planned something special and someone else is doing almost the same thing before/at the same time/immediately adjacent. See also, my close family member booked my wedding venue and they’re getting married before me, my sister stole my baby name, my MIL is bringing the same dessert as me to Thanksgiving, etc. While it’s true you don’t own experiences it’s also true that people close to you should respect and care for you, appreciate your hard work, and that means they shouldnt duplicate the special unique thing you planned thus taking away from the specialness and uniqueness of the thing. I’m pretty sure if this happened to the people telling you YTA, they’d be annoyed too.
Anonymous
I think this happens because people assign value to things differently. I’d be upset if a relative was using my wedding venue and getting married before me or taking my baby name because those are things I highly value. I don’t put as much value into dinner reservations or desserts at Thanksgiving, so that would not even be a blip on my radar. This OP seems to put a lot of value into this dinner; using the term “planned” seems much more involved than saying I called and made a reservation. For me, a dinner reservation is not a special unique thing, so IDC if it’s duplicated but a child’s name is a special thing so I would care about that.
If anything, I find that people here tend to make big deals about pretty minor things (dessert choices for a holiday, choosing a restaurant for a dinner). To me, these are not things that require much effort, thought, or planning, so my response would be that you’re being unreasonable. If someone did put a lot of effort and thought into this, they would feel that they’re reasonably upset about their plans getting duplicated. But, for some here, it’s just dinner.
Anonymous
I’d just remind him of your reservations on Saturday and mention that people probably don’t want to eat seafood two nights in a row. Plus, if his parents are flying in, they may want to relax at home and get take out instead.
anon
Yeah, I would have said, but I made reservations here for Saturday night, don’t you remember. And rolled my eyes at him.
Anon
I see you OP. When I make dinner reservations that include in-laws/ parents plus kids, there are a lot of considerations and hence a lot of work that goes into planning. My parents can’t hear well, so the restaurant needs to be relatively quiet. MIL has limited mobility, so parking can’t be too difficult. Kids are picky, one parent is cheap. My DH isn’t great at recognizing the amount of work involved in this type of arrangement sometimes.
Seafinch
Bingo. I answered before I read the other comments but I feel like the thousand micro decisions I make for our family incorporate a complicated matrix. It’s all very intentional.
Seafinch
Based on other responses maybe I am petty and feel devalued but I would feel exactly as you do and very annoyed. I feel like I pour myself into making experiences and elevating things and am always doing the calculus so to be side wiped would aggravate me to no end. But it’s history and part of a bigger problem/pattern….
Anon
I really wanted to love these Pixie pants because they are exactly what I’m looking for in terms of casual work pants AND they fit my budget, but they just don’t work for my shape sadly. :( When I buy a size big enough for my hips and belly, I end up with all this extra fabric bagging around my crotch. Does anyone have other suggestions for budget-friendly work pants?
Anon
I don’t know the name of the stone but I have 3 pairs of work pants from ON that have elastic waist. Would that help you?
I’m a pear and the pixies aren’t a good fit on me either.
Anon
I have the pull-on, wide leg ON pants feature here a few weeks ago and like them lots.
Anon
+1
I’m pear shaped and the wide leg ones with the stretch waste work better for me too.
All of our shapes are different, and it is a quest to search for the pants that fit.
PolyD
You might need a petite size (I sometime have a similar problem, to get enough girth, I have to go up a size and then the rise is too long, obviously I need to grow taller). That said, I don’t know that the Old Navy pants come in petite.
I have had luck with J Crew Factory pants, and Loft.
Anecdata
They do (come in petite)! Check online; in-store doesn’t often have them
anon
They don’t work for me, either. I’ve had better luck at Ann Taylor Factory for pants.
Anonymous
Same, plus ankle pants in general just make me look like the kid who had a growth spurt a week before mom’s payday.
I have had more luck finding pants that suit me at second hand stores than anywhere else to be honest.
Anon
“plus ankle pants in general just make me look like the kid who had a growth spurt a week before mom’s payday.”
This is brilliant and exactly why I don’t wear them.
Anonymous
On the other hand, ankle pants make me look like Audrey Hepburn and full-length pants make me look like I raided my grandfather’s closet. Different pants for different folks!
PolyD
Same. Plus you don’t have to worry about heel height. I love ankle pants!
Anon
I love ankle pants b/c that’s what I grew up with as a kid subject to growing and was all leg. So it is a bit of my spirit animal? I pretend I’m tall and all leg now when I wear them. Also: no hemming, looks OK with a flat pointy-toe shoe and some heels.
Anonymous
I know the feeling 1048, and I grew up poor so I was constantly wearing ‘flood pants’ as we called them…I’m the opposite though, I will walk on my hem before I wear anything shorter than full length pants.
Runcible Spoon
I have a theory that 3/4 sleeves and cropped pants are designed to make women look like teenagers going through a growth spurt, signaling youthfulness. That said, I have short arms, so i prefer 3/4 length sleeves.
Anonymous
Or companies want to charge the same amount for less fabric…convince women it’s “a trend” and walk away with bank.
Anon
I also wanted to love the ON pixie pants, because they look good on my body shape, but the quality was just not there. A few wears, and there were holes where the waistband met the pants, and broken belt loops. Not much of a “budget” pick when you have replace them in two months. Just get the Boden 7/8s on sale, and you can wear them for years. Cost per wear is lower.
Anonymous
JCrew Kate pants are my go-to work pants, which definitely aren’t as cheap, but you can sometimes catch them on sale.
ESG
Does anyone here practice in the ESG space and have recommendations for a course or book to get up to speed? I am an in-house generalist, but I’m getting thrown into the deep end with some ESG responsibilities. I have tried CLEs, but I mostly find they are way too basic or way too in depth to be useful.
Anon
Sign up for newsletters like GreenBiz. I have also found whitepapers from vendors to be fairly useful. I am more on the comms side of things and have found a lot of great resources from Think Parallax.
Anon
I am not an ESG SME, but am in the same position as you. What I have done is google a lot and read overviews prepared by law firms. We use Eversheds as outside counsel in the UK for ESG work, so maybe start there?
I’ve managed to cobble together an overview of the regulations, requirements, etc., (active and proposed) spreadsheet that covers the US, EU, and the UK using this method. It’s honestly a mess and even our ESG SMEs struggle to provide a clean summary because, well, it’s not always clear cut how everything works together with all the jurisdictional and reporting overlaps.
I know that’s not really what you need, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone and even the experts struggle to make sense of it at times!
Anonymous
I have a small nuclear family, two parents and one sibling. Neither sibling nor I are married or have kids. I am hosting Thanksgiving.
We don’t have that many family photos, and no good recent ones. My parents are hopefully going to be around a lot longer, but are not spring chickens. I realized that recently that if I don’t make it happen, it won’t, so I’ve been playing with idea of getting a photographer for a time the weekend after Thanksgiving to get a few family pics and framing it as a gift to my parents for Christmas. (They’d love it.)
Extra fact, Sibling hates being photographed, and makes odd faces as a “smile.” (This is not their smile, which is quite lovely.)
Is this a terrible or weird idea? Would a professional be able to coax one or two decent photos out of us if at least one person finds photos stressful? Where would I find a photographer and how much would this cost?
Anon
Lovely idea. When I’ve done fall mini sessions w husband and two kids in Central Park, it’s been about 200-300.
Lydia
highly recommend Shoott if it’s in your area (they connect you with photographers; it’s very easy…also feels a little lower stakes, which is helpful if anyone has Formal Photo Anxiety). We got family photos done last fall and I was surprised how much I loved them!
Anon
Same! We’ve used Shoott three times now for annual family photos. Great pictures.
OP
Can you tell me more about Shoott? It looks like they set up at a prescheduled location and you come with your family?
anon
Yes, do it. And tell your sibling to knock it off, it’s about your parents, not them.
anon
Wow, that’s mean. She’s not awkward in front of the camera on purpose.
anon
Not trying to be mean. I did get the impression it was on purpose (making faces, as opposed to smiling).
Cerulean
I’d tread carefully. The people I know who make goofy faces often do it to mask their discomfort in front of the camera.
Anon
Come on, she can make a neutral face if she’s uncomfortable. My kids knew this at 5 years old. There are times when you make a face for pictures and there are times when you don’t. Sister is old certainly enough to know better.
Anonymous
I hate being photographed and do not think this comment is mean.
If my parents were the type to love this kind of gift and it was something my siblings wanted to do, I would be told to suck it up. Actually I lie, I wouldn’t need to be told because I know it would not be about me.
Anonymous
In my family I’m the sibling who hates being photographed and think gifts like this are odd at best.
Run your idea by your sibling, see what they say, and go from there.
Cat
yes, and maybe try for a photog who does candid style shots? might have a better chance of getting sib’s natural smiling face. I also have one who smiles like a normal person in conversation but freezes up and does a total grimace when posing – it’s not being obnoxious, it’s just their posed smile has been horrendous since school picture days.
Anon
My face tenses up when I’m being photographed; trust me, it’s not voluntary!
Candid shots – real candid shots, not a photographer saying “put your hand here,” or “look over your mom’s shoulder” are the best way to get a normal-ish picture of me. My wedding photographer did a great job, mostly by hanging back and not getting up in my face with the camera.
anon
I am actually planning to do the same thing, for the same reasons. So I don’t think it’s terrible or weird!
Anonymous
This is a great idea; your parents will cherish the photos now and you and sibling will cherish them as you and your parents age.
Anonymous
I would first ask your sibling if they want to participate or if they’d rather it just be you and your parents. If sibling participates, I would do a bunch of different groupings–whole family, siblings only, each sibling with parents, parents only. Make sure there are some shots without your glowering sibling wrecking them.
Anon
I’d be prepared to pay more for the weekend you’re talking about since you’re looking to hire someone on a holiday. Same if you want candids plus posed. Costs vary widely based on geography and skill. In SD, this would run $500-1500 based on those variables.
I second that it’s a nice idea, but I’d probably just leave sibling out of it, or invite and take no for an answer.
Anon
*In San Francisco not San Diego
Anonymous
Hah! I thought you meant South Dakota
Anon
I’ve never met anyone who regretted taking professional family photos. Explain to your sibling why you think it’s important and ask if they’re willing to suck it up. Is there a location or certain attire that would make them more comfortable? Do they have a pet that would help them loosen up? Don’t criticize their facial expression during the shoot. It’ll make them tense up even more.
Anonymous
Me! I regret taking professional family photos because my husband and I are so unphotogenic that they all looked terrible. Plus that I had a bad haircut and he only made the weirdest smiles. We only ordered the solo shots of our daughter.
Mrs Luke Danes
We got the best pics of our toddlers by hiring a “lifestyle” photographer to just took pictures of us walking around and playing. Maybe a good way to get candids would be to have a project to do or game to play together so everyone is focused on the activity instead of the camera.
Anonymous
Check out Flytographer if you are in a major city, we’ve done family and couples shoots with them and they make for great memories (and holiday cards).
Runcible Spoon
I suggest looking around for a professional photographer who takes “photojournalistic style” photos, to get the combination of professionalism and candid shots you may be contemplating. Ex-news photographers can be excellent, but be prepared to pay for what you get, probably more than you imagine, but once you get over the asking price, it will be well worth it. Enjoy!
Anonymous
I no longer have either of my parents so I think this is a great gift. We were also not a staged family photo family, and I’m not really a fan of them either. But the consequence of never doing them is that you only have a handful of entire family photos to look back on when your parents are gone. I think the candid route with a photographer might be best given your sibling’s discomfort, but if they make a weird face, they make a weird face.
Fallen
Hoping there any swimmers here who can help with this. My daughter is on a swim team, swimming 3+ days a week. She is having dry feet/skin breaking due to the chlorine. We have been working with a dermatologist, but also hoping for any other advice. We are wondering if she should keep swimming at this point.
Anonymous
How old is she? Does she shower / rinse the chlorine right after practice?
Anonymous
My heels crack from dryness pretty frequently; I highly recommend the O’Keefe’s working hands / healthy feet or vaseline. Have her put it on her feet at night, put on socks, and sleep like that.
I was a high school swimmer (not super serious; just swam int eh summer and winter not year-round), and while I’ve always had dry skin, I did not find that swimming / chlorine exacerbated it. I think working with a derm is a great idea, because it may not be chlorine related.
I would highly, highly recommend finding a workaround so that she can continue swimming. This isn’t a reason to quit a sport.
Anon
Is it just the chlorine or chlorine + some kind of susceptibility? I have had simple issues like vitamin deficiencies that have made me much more sensitive to chlorine and prone to dry feet when unaddressed. My experience with dermatology is that sometimes they miss underlying issues that can be contributing to an issue.
When I was having this problem, lotions that contained urea were the most helpful to me.
Anonymous
Are you sure it’s the chlorine? Extremely dry, cracking skin on the heels can also be caused by a fungus, which is something a swimmer would be exposed to. The derm can prescribe a cream that will clear it up.
Anon
I really hope the derm would not have missed this, but this is a good point that this can also sometimes be fungal.
Anon
Mom of a former D-1 college swimmer with ultra-sensitive skin here, and I was going to say this exactly. If it’s just her feet, it’s not chlorine. It’s probably athlete’s foot or something similar. Does she put wet feet into closed shoes after practice? If so, try switching to slides. Spray those plastic slides with anti-fungal spray every day until it clears up.
Anonymous
+1 – I was a swimmer and the only foot skin issues I had were athlete’s foot, possibly from locker room showers. I’ve never had it since I stopped swimming.
Anononon
Cracked heels can also be a sign of Hashimoto’s, a thyroid disorder that is easily treatable. Signed, a sufferer of cracked heels from adolescence onwards who didn’t know this until a doc in my late 30s gave me the right blood test.
Anonymous
Pretty sure this is why my heels are eternally cracked. But so far my blood tests haven’t shown anything my doctors will respond to. I’m working on building a collection of evidence that my results might be ‘normal’ for the population, but are not right for me. The whole stack of symptoms for hypothyroidism seems to line up closely, I haven’t found anything more likely, and I have relatives with it.
Anon
Sometimes they have to test for the antibodies and not just thyroid levels (and sometimes they need to test for related antibodies too, like parietal cell, or even sometimes for Celiac which sometimes runs in the same families). Good luck.
anon
This sounds like Athlete’s Foot.
Anon
Swimmer here. Agree you need to see the derm, and shower with gentle soap and shower shoes immediately after practice. Then put on lotion. Don’t give up on swimming!
Anonymous
It sounds like your daughter has very dry skin, which may be aggravated by swimming. I also have very dry feet and break out when my face is dry. Here’s what has worked for my feet. 1) O’keeffe’s healthy foot cream. 2) Filing the heel down with, effectively, sandpaper. If you google ‘foot file’ you’ll find something. 3) Footlogix rough skin formula (which has a mild antifungal). For my face, I now use a mild exfoliant so that the moisturizer can reach the skin, instead of sitting on top of dry skin. I also upgraded from drug store moisturizers to Biossance. You might want to also look out for additional products she’s using that are drying. Some sunscreens, for example, are very drying (SunBum, eg). Bon chance! It would be sad if she gave up swimming because of skin issues.
Anon
+1 sounds like foot fungus, from a former competitive swimmer in a competitive swimming family! Plantar warts on the soles are another common issue for swimmers.
LawDawg
My daughter had eczema that affected a few different parts of her body, but would get especially bad on her feet when she swam in chlorinated water. This was something that occurred when she was a baby and included getting excused from swim as part of PE during high school. Her cracked heels could usually be fixed by aquafor and cotton socks, but that wasn’t enough when you added in chlorine, so her derm wrote a note getting her out of swimming. She can swim in chlorine occasionally but could not do something often. Your daughter isn’t alone.
Anon
God, I hope you don’t make her quit swimming because of this.
WNC
Looking for recommendations for socks to wear with 6-inch duck boots. I’d like them to be tall enough to show, reasonably warm, and hopefully stay up. Thank you!
Anonymous
I would do hiking socks. Lots of great brands out there; people love smart wool and darn tough. On a budget, I love the Kirkland ones I have. I don’t belong to Costco but I’ve found them on Amazon.
IME, I have no issues with hiking socks staying up. They’re wool so reasonably warm and wicking. The ones I have aren’t meant to be too warm, but you can buy ones meant for cold weather that are warmer.
Anon
+1 love the Kirkland brand!
Anonymous
Happy fall! Please help me find black leather booties. I didn’t think it would be this hard!
Problem one: I hate the most prevalent current style. I think the Chelsea boot and higher shaft bootie that seems to be most common right now are ugly. As an average height woman with thick calves, they hit right below the calf and make me look shorter and stouter. I want to be able to wear them with dresses and tights, not just under pants.
Problem two: even expensive booties seem to have incredible quality issues these days. The last boots I bought were Blondos, and I was incredibly disappointed at how quickly they fell apart. I admittedly have a harder heel strike, and as a city dweller, do use my feet not my car as my primary form of transportation, but waterproof boots/booties with a block heel are a functional shoe, not a sitting shoe. I went through multiple pages of Nordstrom reviews and many of the $150-250 shoes I looked at had comments and pictures lamenting the quality of the shoe and showing how it had fallen apart in a shockingly short amount of time. I would be willing to spend up to $350 (though I really really would prefer to keep it under $200), but at that price point, it feels ridiculous to be concerned that the shoes are going to fall apart under normal usage.
Thanks!
Cat
I’ve tromped across Philly many times in flat La Canadiennes and they’ve been going strong since 2016. Also happy with Aquatalia quality.
Anonymous
+1 for Aquatalia. I think you really have to spend in the $350+ range to get well-made boots these days. I have scored some great deals on Aquatalia boots on sale on the brand’s web page. And I wouldn’t expect any boots to last more than a couple of years if you are walking miles in them every day.
Anon
+2
Aquatalia and Canadiennes are the best. Try all the styles until you find the ones that work for your leg shape and lifestyle. Then scour for sales, if their price points are too high for you – Black Friday and after Xmas are the best times to buy. Or use one of those Apps that will alert you when they go on sale.
You need a step up from Blondo. And you need to take care of them. If you take care of them, they last for decades. I bring them to the cobbler at the beginning of winter if they need heel repair or touch ups, but I mostly am careful about cleaning off salt/snow, re-protecting at the beginning of every season with the appropriate products for leather/suede etc… They really last.
Anonymous
I’m not sure how high of a shaft you’re looking for. Also, do you want any sort of heel or totally flat shoes? I love the look of Chelsea boots with a dress or skirt and tights, but don’t like the look with a dress or skirt and bare legs; the black booties against my very pale skin is too harsh IMO.
I live in a city and also walk everywhere. I’ve in general been happy with how shoes hold up, though.
I have a pair from Red Wing that I like. I am eyeing Thursday for my next pair; I don’t have experience with them but have only heard good things.
Anon
I hate to say it but your budget isn’t high enough for quality boots unless you score a mega sale deal. Personally I like Freda Salvador’s boots, they range around $600, are gorgeously made and look new many seasons later. They make short and taller shafts, lots of styles and aren’t trendy in the Chelsea sense, more cool girl styles.
Cornellian
I think unfortunately this comment is right about budget. I changed climates and jobs so don’t get as much use out of my La Canadienne waterproof ones, but they are coming up on 9 years, I believe. I replace shoe taps like men do on their dress shoes, but that was only 10 dollars twice a year when I was walking 3 miles a day on Manhattan sidewalks.
OP
Thanks! I’d rather know that, then keep buying shoes that feel expensive to me, but fall apart.
Anon
Look at Ecco – really high quality, real leather, well made shoes. I’ve been really happy with every pair I’ve bought.
I had a pair of Blondos too that didn’t last.
OP
Good idea! I’ve liked my Ecco sneakers!
Anonymous
I also love my Ecco boots
Anon
I’m hard on my stuff, and I’ve had decent luck with Sorels and Dr. Martens. I got almost six years out of a pair of Docs, and they have hiker and ankle styles with a shorter shaft.
I can’t speak for them personally, but I know several people who have been happy with their Thursday boots.
Anon
These are the most similar Sorels to what I had, and they were WATERPROOF. I got out of car in a rush once and landed in a puddle that covered the tops of my feet. Still stayed totally dry.
https://www.zappos.com/p/sorel-emelie-iii-chelsea-wp-black-black/product/9875799/color/183092
Anon
Every now and then Merrell will make boots or booties that don’t look outdoorsy. I had a cute pair 5 or 6 years that has held up really well and was only $100 or $150. They’re mostly a hiking brand, so they’re really made for walking. I haven’t looked to see if they have anything like that currently, though.
Anonymous
Do you like anything from Thursday Boot Co? I’ve had a pair for years and they’ve held up really well.
OP
I tried the Downtown, but it didn’t fit my toes, unfortunately.
anon
I have narrow feet, but Thursday boots seem to run really narrow in the toe box. I have some and I do like them very much overall, but they pinch my toes which isn’t something I ever experience in a shoe. My boyfriend has a pair of their leather sneakers and they are too narrow in the toe box.
Anonymous
My Jack Rogers boots and my Cole Haan boots are at your price point and are really well made.
Anon
Thursday Vanguard is a solid boot for a relatively sane budget. I’ve had mine since 2017, including a resole and 2 heel replacements. No need to baby them, and they’ve lasted as well as any Goodyear welted, Chromexcel boot – most of which cost considerably more.
Runcible Spoon
Ariat makes a pair of good-quality scout paddock boots, sort of in a lace-up “granny boot” style. Super comfortable, look good with both skirts (with black tights) and pants. Excellent arch support, and relatively inexpensive for well-crafted, supportive leather boots.
No Problem
What are some things about clothes or cosmetics you wish everyone knew about? Not “hacks” per se, but useful tips to make things work better. I feel like I’ve seen the same couple of misconceptions or just lack of knowledge from poster on here.
For example, lots of women get chub rub between the thighs when wearing skirts, and some refuse to wear them for this reason. But there are solutions! All the slip short brands are designed for exactly this, and there are also products you can rub on your skin like deodorant that prevent the chafing, like Body Glide.
Also, many women get blisters from certain shoes. There are also solutions to this problem! Moleskin can be taped to the inside of the shoe where it rubs, and it can also be taped directly to your feet. There is also blister block, which you rub on your skin like deodorant. Some people use bandaids and get frustrated that they fall off; moleskin or blister block are much better and are suited to the purpose (and are also much cheaper).
I would love if other posters had some tips for things like keeping my br@ straps from falling off my shoulders (yes, they are as tight as I can make them) or my mascara from giving me panda eyes after a couple hours (wearing powder around my eyes helps keep the skin oil at bay that I think is partially responsible, but it only reduces the problem without eliminating it; setting spray doesn’t seem to help much either).
Anon
Try tubing mascara! I love caliray come hell or high water.
Anononon
Agree! I have been using Blinc for nearly 20 years. Someday they will discontinue it and I will be lost. No panda eyes, comes off with water and pressure (so it doesn’t budge in the rain, but all you need is wet cotton pad to swipe it off).
Anon88
LOVE tubing mascara. I use L’oreal, which is just as good as the fancy stuff IMO.
Anon
The Tower 28 tubing mascara for $20 at Sephora is great and a good $10 cheaper than others at the same level.
Anonymous
I have a bra that has a clip on the straps that turns my bra into a racerback. It’s great for different cuts of shirts, but would work for keeping the straps on your shoulder too.
Have you tried different mascaras, including waterproof? I use the Ilia limitless lash mascara. It’s not waterproof, but is water resistant and advertised as smudge proof / flake proof. It comes off easily in the shower / when I wash my face (I rarely need makeup remover to get it off), but stays on all day without smudging. I’m sure there are other great options too (I’ve heard great things about tubing mascara), but I’d definitely recommend playing around with other mascaras, including ones that are smudge proof. I don’t know what other eye makeup you use, but I have very oily lids and recommend always using eyelid primer. While it’s meant for makeup on your lids (and it is a WORLD of difference for me with eyeshadow / eyeliner), it helps with mascara too (for me).
Anon
I’ve tried the Ilia mascara and it smudges horribly for me!
OP
Do they even make mascara that isn’t waterproof? I can’t remember the last time I saw a tube that didn’t say it was waterproof. I have tried multiple brands, but haven’t tried tubing mascara. I was at Target recently and couldn’t even find any that said they were tubing, so would love some brand recs. I do also use primer all around my eyes.
Anonymous
Yes, they made mascara that isn’t waterproof. I prefer it so I always look for it.
Anon
Target should have Loreal’s “Double Extend Beauty Tubes” for <$10 if it would help to try the general concept before spending more elsewhere!
Anon
I prefer non-waterproof mascara so it’s easier to remove!
Anon
Re: bra straps, you or your dry cleaner/tailor can sew in small straps that clip to hold the bra strap in place. Super easy to do at home if you’re familiar with basic sewing
Cat
I have torn more of those out of tops than I can count. Nice in theory but they last only a few hours with moderate activity IME!
Anonymous
They always hold the strap in a weird spot so the cups buckle.
OP
I am unfortunately not familiar with basic sewing, but I do have one dress that has these and they’re amazing. I suppose I could do this for some of my workwear items, but my wardrobe is way too big for this to be a practical solution.
PolyD
Every time people complain about having their skirts or dresses stick to their tights, I suggest a slip and get shouted down for slips being “outdated” or “frumpy.”
I find this attitude very weird. No one can see your slip, so how can it be frumpy? And how is this frumpier than having to pick your skirt out from between your legs because it’s sticking to your tights??
Anonymous
I miss slips, but where can you buy them these days?
Lydia
amazon, ebay, expensive ones on lingerie sites like HerRoom… also places like JC Penny’s often have them. ooh, and sometimes H&M! I usually just buy the Vanity Fair brand online though.
Anon
Amazon
Anonymous
Target, soma, and those Hanes outlet stores have them regularly
Anon
Hanro for nice slips y’all!
Anonymous
Yes, yes, yes!!
I actually went looking for a slip a while back and had people look at me like I’d lost my mind. Some of the younger people didn’t even know what a slip was…
Slips are fantastic and should be as standard as a bra.
PolyD
I just searched Kohls, Macys, Penney’s, and Amazon for half slips and found pages and pages of them.
Are they super high quality? Probably not, but does a slip really need to be? I have some Hanes ones I got from Target probably nearly 10 years ago and they are functioning fine.
Velma
100% endorsement for slips! Mine are Vanity Fair or something like that. They’ve lasted forever, and I will never stop wearing them. I refuse to wear shapewear, and a half slips fixes all issues–from VPL to tights sticking.
Runcible Spoon
+1 to Vanity Fair full slips bought on Amazon.
Anon
I feel like if you wear above the knee or slimmer-cut dresses or skirts, slips may be visible and if not, may still look bunchy. On an A-line skirt/dress, they will often be fine.
Anon
Girl, I’m a huge fan of slips, you aren’t alone!
Cat
Bra – search bra strap connector. It’s essentially a strap that runs on your back between the shoulder straps – like a super mild racer bra.
anon
You need a different style of bra that has the straps sewn in closer to the center.
OP
WHERE CAN I FIND THESE? I’m serious. I browse bras online all the time and every time I see the back view I’m disappointed by how far apart they’re sewn. I agree that this is the solution I need, but I have yet to find any in the wild that fit this need. Brand recs, PLEASE.
anon
Warner’s has a couple of options that I’ve used.
https://www.barenecessities.com/warners-no-side-effects-back-smoothing-t-shirt-bra-ra3081a_product.htm?pf_id=WarnersRA3081A
https://res.static-barenecessities.com/image/upload/t_plp328ar85092022,f_auto/pv/warrb1691af22_aurora_17mar23_3.jpg
Anon
A lot of bras have clasps in the back so you can convert it to an x-back. Would that work for you?
Anonymous
A lot of bras have clasps in the back so you can convert it to an x-back. Would that work for you?
LadyoftheHounds
Natori! I find the cups a bit small but they are also a big closer together but it resolved this problem for me!
I still take the same size, but I imagine for some people they would have to go up a size because IME the band and cups are both smaller that other brands.
Anonymous
-Read and follow the care label instructions.
-have your feet measured and buy shoes that fit. Discomfort tends to be from poor fit and/or poor construction, so along with fit, pay attention to what the shoes are made of. Generally natural material like leather fits better than man made.
-you can tell a lot about a garment by its construction.
-there is no standard sizing, the number on the tag is meaningless.
-a lot of problems are easily solved by a tailor.
-other problems can be solved by walking over to the men’s department.
for example, men’s boxer briefs are great for the no pantyline look, and some extend down the thigh.
anon
+1 on men’s boxer briefs. I love men’s boxer briefs for preventing chub rub. For me, so much more breathable and comfortable than slipshorts and other products marketed to women for the same purpose. Cheaper too.
Anon
Eyelash extensions so you don’t need to wear mascara is my best tip.
Anon
Or even just dye for people with lighter coloring!
Flats Only
This! I have long, numerous eyelashes (each individual lash is fairly fine), but light coloring. I get my lashes tinted for $30 at the nail salon when I go for a pedicure, and suddenly my lashes are visible all the time! And when I put mascara on top they look even more amazing. And the tinting lasts well over a month.
Anon
It is easy to tint your own eyelashes and brows. I use 1000 Hours.
OP
Definitely not in the budget to do eyelash extensions!
Anon
The dye is a good suggestion though and probably less expensive.
Anon
I think the strap problem is an issue of the design. For some reason straps and often cups are set very wide especially by USA manufacturers. Getting fitted by a company that carries international styles — I went with Bravissimo — fixed this for me, though the imported styles do cost more (worth it though!).
I agree that tubing mascara can prevent panda eyes. The little tubes don’t really crumble or bleed or otherwise come off on their own.
For another one that surprised me, I was interested to learn when seeking help with my skin that my skin isn’t actually dry; it just exfoliates poorly. So I was trying to moisturize it when I needed a chemical exfoliant instead.
OP
Oh I thought of another one. I suffered for decades with what I thought was dandruff, but it turns out that it’s actually dermatitis or just dry skin. Years of trying different dandruff shampoos did nothing to improve my scalp and some caused terrible residue on my hair. I started using a shampoo that contains tea tree oil and the problem resolved almost instantly.
Anon
And I had the opposite. I thought I had dry skin in my face, but I actually had seborrheic dermatitis and needed to use dandruff shampoo instead of moisturizer. Better to see a doctor than to self-diagnose!
Anon
Always take three sizes into the dressing room (or order online): the size you think you need, one size larger and one size smaller. Start try-ons with the largest size, and work your way down. For most women, it is emotionally easier to move to the second or third size if it is due to needing a smaller size, but more difficult when moving in the other direction. Sizes are all over the place!
Anon
+1, I always try the larger size on first!!
anon
I think I’ve finally realized that sizing is just a suggestion. I am currently wearing pants in 3 different sizes. They all fit basically the same!
Cerulean
Could I *be* wearing any more clothes?
Anon
Do you wear eyeshadow primer? I used to think it was too extra for every day but realized it’s an easy solution for raccoon eyes. I like the Urban Decay primer but even drugstore products will be an improvement. My whole makeup routine (including primer, neutral eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, and blush) takes less than ten minutes. It doesn’t budge until I was my face at night.
OP
Yes, I wear eyeshadow primer. Otherwise my eyeshadow ends up in the folds of my eyelids within hours.
Anonymous
Blister bandaids in an area where your shoe rubs before you get the blister
In a pinch, chapstick can be used for makeup remover
Leave conditioner in your hair while you wash your body or shave for a deep conditioning treatment. I’ll also leave conditioner in, turn the water off for a body scrub and the rinse.
Throw out your mascara every 6 months. Also, there’s no need to spend $20 on a mascara.
Wear sunscreen every single day.
Anonymous
I like to buy the travel size mascara to ensure I’m not using the tube for too long. And, I don’t waste mascara throwing it out just because it’s been open for too long. I wear mascara 6 or 7 days a week and still can’t finish a travel size before it expires, let alone a full size.
Anonymous
Shimmer eyeshadow is best applied with fingers. Eyebrow pomade is so much easier than a pencil. Botox is not an invasive procedure. White strips work.
Hating on every new trend is a one way ticket to looking dated. Just because it takes your eyes time to get used to new styles doesn’t mean what you’re been wearing is classic or timeless. Looking at you, skinny jeans.
Lydia
yes this! (about trends). absolutely true.
Anon
Co-sign all of this.
Anon 2.0
Oof, that skinny jean remark hit me in the soul! You are the push I need to go jean shopping this weekend. I am a lover of skinnies and generally don’t follow trends but I think the time has come to branch out.
10:28
Happy shopping! It probably didn’t come across but that was said with love because I am the same way.
Anonymous
FYI I have straight leg jeans from everlane and madewell that I love and are a good first step away from skinnies – not too drastic.
Anon
Straight leg jeans are as far as I’ve gone into being current, and it really does make a difference. My eye really had to get used to it because I was used to the super slim look of skinnies, but at the end of the day I think the straight legs are actually more flattering.
One thing that is different this time around with straight legs is that they’re worn shorter, clearing the top of the foot. Last time straight legs were mainstream we had some pooling on top of the foot. Shorter is easier for me anyway because I take a long inseam.
OP
I agree about the trends. What I dislike about trends, though, is that some brands lean so far into the trend that it’s impossible to find something that isn’t trendy. Like with ruffle sleeves – they just don’t look good on me and can’t be worn under blazers or cardigans or sweaters, so even if they looked good they’d be kind of useless to me because I’m always cold and need another layer. I pretty much stopped shopping at Ann Taylor because everything had a ruffle on the sleeves. The same would be true for skinny jeans. I liked them and wore them for a long time, but not everyone likes them and it would have been nice back in 2015 to be able to find some jeans that weren’t skinny. I like the puff shoulder trend (they make my big shoulders look normal!) but they don’t do my mom any favors and she had many fewer choices of sweaters last winter.
Anon
The trick though is getting on the bandwagon early. The trends last about as long as the clothes if you buy them the first season out and not after several years once your eye adjusts.
OP
I guess I don’t understand your comment? How would getting on the ruffle sleeve bandwagon early help them fit into sweater or blazer sleeves? How would it help my mom with puff sleeve sweaters? I’ve jumped on that bandwagon because they look good on me, but they’re just never going to look good on her. Are you suggesting she should do it anyway and just be trendy even if it looks bad?
And how does it address the fact that it’s sometimes impossible to find things that aren’t trendy when the trend just takes over (like skinny pants. not everyone looks good in or wants skinny pants)? Certain trends have come around without fully taking over the category, like high rise pants. Props to you if you can wear them, but this short gal doesn’t need waistbands meeting my bra bands. Thank goodness mid-rise pants still exist. And cold shoulder shirts I personally think look terrible on anyone over 25, so thankfully they’ve only ever been a segment of the market. But ruffle sleeves and skinny pants? Totally taken over some brands for long lengths of time.
Some trends are just never going to look good on everyone and not everyone should jump on the bandwagon. I’m not saying to NEVER follow trends, just to only follow the trends that actually work for you and hope that the fashion gods don’t make it so you can’t find anything BUT the trend that doesn’t work for you.
Cerulean
Yup, I remember people here saying they would never give up their bootcut pants for unflattering skinnies. And here we are again.
PolyD
I’ll concede that clothing quality has taken a serious nose dive in recent years, but I feel like if one takes proper care of one’s clothing, it should last longer than people here report.
I wash everything on cold, delicate cycle, in the giant Speed Queen top loader machine in my communal laundry room. Anything you can see on me in public (so, basically everything except underwear, sheets, and towels, and some old tees I don’t care about) plus bras gets hung to dry. I buy clothing from Loft, J Crew Factory, Banana Republic Factory, and it holds up fine. Not decades, but certainly at least a few years.
anon
Agree with you. I buy the same brands as you do and they hold up for years.
Anonymous
Yup, I wear a LOT of Old Navy. I don’t even treat my clothes all that gently (I throw everything in the dryer and like you have shared apartment laundry which I know is not the most gentle) and my Old Navy and J. Crew Factory clothes hold up for 6-7 years. In fact, yesterday I wore a JCF dress to work that I bought when I first graduated college and entered the workforce 7 years ago; I got so many compliments on it.
I’m someone who is generally quite hard on my things, and don’t have issues with clothes not lasting. I truly don’t know what people are doing with their clothes to report these problems. I’m wearing a 15 year old fleece today, it looks great.
Anonymous
The quality difference from 15 years ago to now is huge, though. I’m not at all hard on my clothes and have had brand new old navy fall apart after 3 or 4 washes.
I buy primarily second hand and have found a few nice old navy pieces, but I generally avoid the brand because the quality is just not there anymore…
Anonymous at 11:25
Oh for sure (and my fleece isn’t ON), but I wear a lot of new ON and have NO issues with quality. I only have ON jeans and workout clothes, several work pants / tops, a few casual dresses, casual tops, and all of those things are holding up fine. Like 90% of the clothes I’ve bought int he last decade are ON (so some is old enough to be better, some was bought 2 months ago) and it’s been FINE.
Anon
Agreed! I have a small budget for clothes (not a lawyer) so most of my wardrobe is Old Navy. I have pieces I’ve worn for years and years! I hang up almost everything to dry except pyjamas or t-shirts. I think it helps things last.
emeralds
Cosign the note on laundry–everything goes on cold, delicate cycle, judicious use of garment bags in the wash, hang dry. My clothes rarely wear out.
anon
From just above: some articles of clothing can be economized on and others can’t. Coats, boots and shoes, bras, and handbags are all things that perform wildly differently as you spend more money. But t-shirts? Socks? Workout gear? Not so much – Target or Old Navy are fine for these items.
Anonymous at 11:25
I have a Calvin Klein wool coat from Macy’s and a fake wool coat from ON. I wear them both several times a week in the winter. CK coat is 6 years old, ON coat is 4 years old. Both still look great and get compliments. The quality definitely isn’t the same (more pilling on the ON coat), but it’s plenty serviceable.
Anonymous
For your bras:
Racer back clips!
https://www.bravissimo.com/products/racer-back-clips-pf113/#multi-pf113mut
Anon
It can be tricky, as with all clothing, not everything works with every person. But I love threads like this that give these recs and address common issues.
My BIG recommendation as I am now middle aged is advising that you use the same skincare regimen that you do for your face for your neck/decolletage/back of hands. For me that is gentle cleaner/moisturizer twice a day, sun block, and prescription retinoid at night. I don’t use retinoids on my hands, but I use it on my neck and decolletage very carefully.
And FYI – My blisters are mostly due to my foot shape, so I must search for the perfect shoes for my shape, as all the blister tricks are just transient hacks and ultimately fail if the shoes are perfect. People who have more typical feet shape don’t understand this. It’s like a pear shape trying to find pants in a apple shape store. Feet have typical shapes too, I learned late in life!
Also, many of the favorite slip shorts touted on this board don’t work for people. Again, it depends on your shape of your rear and things. If they don’t lie perfectly, they don’t always work as well under some skirts. And even slips are tricky in the dry areas with static. So you are buying more products/using more hacks to deal with the first hack! As with everything, we all have to experiment with what works for our shape/clothing style/lifestyle.
Seventh Sister
YMMV, but drugstore makeup often works just as well as the expensive stuff. At a department store or similar, you are paying for someone who can help you pick out the right color or product. If you have a basic idea of what color would work, you can buy something pretty similar at the drugstore for less. Some drugstores even let you return opened stuff!
Anon
I agree with you on everything but foundation. There are some OK drugstore foundations / BB creams / tinted moisturizers, but the truly great ones are pricey department store level brands. And they don’t have testers and good lighting at drugstores so it’s a total crapshoot. I need a foundation that has like 43 shades of just cool toned pale to find my match, not “light medium,” whatever that is supposed to mean.
Seventh Sister
I agree with you about the foundation. OK is fine for my purposes but if I had a more high-profile/public-facing job I’d shell out for better foundation.
Anon
OK, now I’m wondering: do I HAVE to wear foundation if I have a high profile job? I’m in my 40s and I have good skin with just some normal wrinkles. Do I need to wear foundation to be more “serious”?
Anonymous
To stop my bra straps falling down, I had to go down a band size and up a cup size.
Anon
+1 this is the solution.
OP
Well, I might need a bigger cup size, but my band is about as small as I can handle and still breathe/not want to tear it off immediately, so unfortunately that won’t help. I just need the straps to be set closer together than they are in every bra I’ve ever tried on.
Anon
I’m a woman who gets chub rub and almost none of those solutions works for me. The anti chafing gel is a joke – it does not work at all for me – and the majority of slip shorts I’ve tried, and I feel like I’ve tried them all at this point – roll up or roll down or both. I do wear skirts, and in fact pretty much only wore skirts or dresses to work for years and years, and the only thing that has ever worked for me is a now-discontinued style of cotton bike shorts from Champion. Even then, some of them roll up at the hem, but I’ve been holding onto the ones I have, which are > 10 years old in some cases, and will do so until they fall apart.
Piper Dreamer
Chief… Is anyone a member? Is it worth it? I am intrigued by the women-focused networking concept especially since I am in a male-dominated industry (law firms). Is the membership worth the $5-10k/year fee?
Thanks!
Anon
They market hard, I am not paying for that. It reminds me of a lot of time wasted in women’s groups at old jobs.
Better spend the money and time networking with who you actually need to meet or getting exec coaching.
Anon
I was invited to apply, did the application, then got invited to an interview. I then learned the cost – no way! After I declined, I kept getting spammy emails from them. It didn’t seem worth the high membership cost.
anon
I’m in male dominated finance and I cannot fathom that being worth the cost. That money is way better spent on finding your own tribe of professional women and hosting a quarterly event (large dinner, miniluxe buyout with champagne and snacks – all things I’ve done!) for all of you.
Anonymous
Venting. I really hate football. I’m not a big sportsball person but I’ll go to a couple of games a year of various other sports. I enjoy minor league baseball in particular. But football is different. Every social event for months has to accommodate the football schedule. I love fall – fall festivals, orchards, beer/cider, being outside in gorgeous weather with beautiful colors everywhere. But there are so many games that it creates tons of scheduling conflicts. If I manage to get friends to do anything fun, people are glued to their phones looking like zombies that occasionally have manic outbursts, and even if a game isn’t on, all they talk about is football. Going to the games isn’t fun because the fans are way too emotional. I do not enjoy being surrounded by angry screaming people. I don’t understand how anyone could think it isn’t insufferably boring to let a sport you don’t even play dominate your life for months. And so begins another lonely fall.
anon
Preach. And my DH has a football-adjacent job, so it’s been a struggle.
Anon for this
I feel your pain! I also really hate football. I used to date a guy who loved football and whose friends loved football, and my weekends were exactly how you describe. It was awful. We broke up! My current friends aren’t so into it, but the talk does sometimes drift to football and even that is annoying.
If you live in the DC area, I’d love to hang out with another football-hating person doing non-football things! Feel free to drop a burner email.
Anonymous
Make new friends! No one I k ow cares about football beyond like maybe a college game if it’s convenient or the Super Bowl. It’s great.
Anon
There are many, many people who feel exactly like you do! I’ve lived in a lot of places, and there was only one where football was a major topic of conversation. Even there, there were plenty of people who didn’t care about football, if you want to develop a different friend group.
Lily
You’re not alone. And I hate that it’s on in the background everywhere because I have two young kids and I don’t particularly like letting them watch grown men violently run into one another.
Anonymous
Hear, hear! I am with you.
Anon
My kid’s track team practices while the host university’s drum line practices. I used to joke about band kids to my friend in band in high school but OMG those people are such hard workers (and so are their parents!). Maybe focus on the band? And all of the other workers (student trainers who may be your PT some day)? It’s really wild to me all of the other things but football about football games. At my college, which is at the weak end of D1 and feels more like a D3 school, I never get inside the stadium and am strictly a tailgate person, which is awesome (and yet a feat of catering and almost a camp like setup with no water or electricity, just a parking lot).
Anonymous
I also hate football and can’t understand why people are obsessed with a sport they don’t play, and with teams with which they have no real affiliation. My former assistant was offended when I said to him, “Oh, I love your [university] sweatshirt! Did you go there too?” He replied that no, he was a fan of the football team, as if it were ridiculous for me to assume that he might have attended a school whose merch he was wearing. Whatever.
Anon
Huh. Where do you live? I am only vaguely aware that it’s even football season.
Anon
Phew! What I wouldn’t give!
I live in SEC country, and normally sane people turn into sports commentators/ major fans who cannot miss a game. Consequently, there’s not much happening most Saturdays. Except bye weeks when it is INSANE because everyone wants to have their fall festival/ wedding/ last cookout/ 5k/ pumpkin carving/ birthday party, etc.
Anonymous
So, if you’re in SEC country most people are probably huge college football fans but are probably not as big NFL fans. Could these activities occur on Sunday?
I realize that being in SEC country, your also in the Bible Belt but surely that doesn’t take all day? (IDK – I’m a Northeast lapsed Episcopalian. I don’t attend church, but for those that do it’s strictly a one-hour commitment on Sunday mornings).
Anon
The community events definitely can’t happen on Sundays for lack of participation due to church!
It ends up mostly being fine because I just run errands on Saturday when the grocery store isn’t crowded, there are only 2 of us at yoga, etc.
Anon
That would drive me crazy too! I’d say if you can’t beat it, join it. Host a watch party and spend time “cooking” (aka hanging out in the kitchen with like minded friends)
Anon
I love “cooking”
OP
I’m in Philly, so our sports fans are particularly unpleasant. But I have friends who are into other college and professional teams, as well as fantasy leagues, so it’s like the football talk is never ending.
Anonymous
Born and raised Philadelphian here – we get a bad rap but really most of our fans are totally fine. A few drunk idiots have given the rest of us a bad reputation. I’m a big Eagles fan (but don’t care at all about any other game, college or NFL) and I find that many people are similar. Or, people care about the Birds and Penn State / their alma mater. I have a few friends really into fantasy who watch everything on Sunday, but that’s really not most people IME. I’m in a very sports-centric friend group too, FWIW.
We played last night, so at least this weekend should be free and clear for plans!
Anon
I think your friends are just boring, to be honest. I live there too and spend absolutely no time thinking or talking about football. Although tbh I think fans being unruly is the only fun part about football.
Anon
Commiseration from Philly. I’ve been planning my grocery store trips during Eagles games, but it gets lonely! Drop a burner email if you want a buddy for non-football fall activities.
Anonymous
Are you in an area where people tend to be NFL people or college football people? Luckily, I find that for most people they’re one or the other but not both (this is very geography driven, usually). You could make plans with folks around that (hang out with college football fans on Sundays and with NFL fans on Saturdays). For example, I went to a D1AA school, so my college friends and I don’t have any rooting interest in big name college football, so that means our Saturdays are free. We all follow the NFL, so our Sundays are less free. While there are a lot of people who like to casually watch both college and NFL (and will casually watch other games that aren’t their teams’), most people only really, really care about their team (so, aren’t glued to their phones for the other games).
If you’re contending with NFL fans, can you use the season’s schedule to your advantage? Find out when your local team plays on Monday night, Thursday night, or Sunday night; make weekend plans those weeks. Find out when your team’s bye week is and make plans around that. If your team plays at 4PM, you can do morning activities and have everyone home in time for the game.
Could you lean into it and meet up with friends at somebody’s house or a bar for a game? Quite a few of my girlfriends don’t really care about our team, but they’ll come watch for the socialization. There’s chatting (about football and non-football topics), good snacks, beer and a nice defined end time.
Admittedly, I love my NFL team but I do not care at ALL about college football (and I have a relative who is a coordinator for a Big 10 team; I’ve still never watched one of his games). I don’t watch other NFL games (might throw them on in the background, but I’m not watching them). I cannot stand fantasy.
OP
It’s a mix of college and professional, unfortunately, plus most people are in multiple fantasy leagues. The women in the group are just as into it as the men. I basically have to keep track of which teams each person follows and try to plan things one on one. It’s a scheduling nightmare.
Anon
So I think you have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday nights for group events and then most of January – August also free.
Anonymous
Wow. I know people like football, but I am not one of them. I have lots of friends that do other things!
IL
I feel you on the football exasperation. It totally dominates the fall. DH is a football fan but it works because he is happy to do other things with me on Saturdays even if it means not watching that weekend. It was one of the reasons I knew this relationship would work.
Total aside, but COVID turned me into a minor league baseball fan. It was the first in person social event I went to after a long year of nothing and I have loved it ever since.
Anonymous
Yeah, my husband is a huge NFL team fan, and he DVRs the games if they’re mid afternoon so we can have a life. He actually prefers it because he can watch an entire game in a little over an hour by skipping breaks in the action.
Explorette
I’m with you! This is why I avoid football people.
Anon
Preach. I am not the type of person who can stay indoors on a beautiful fall day to watch a game that isn’t even interesting. I can respect that others enjoy the game, but it takes over life in a way that I think is a thief of real joy for many diehards.
Anon
This is one of the many reasons I love my husband. I literally said to him the other day that I don’t think I could have married someone who was a huge football fan. It’s such a boring sport.
Anon
Eh. I know plenty of women who don’t care at all or only care about their team who are married to men who REALLY care about football. They’re happy to go do their own thing while their husbands watch. Or sit on the couch with their book / knitting / crossword.
Anon above
That’s great, but I was talking about myself – not those women :)
Anon
Maybe branching out a bit socially would help? I had to look up SEC. Another life is possible!
Anon
This is odd to me. I’m in a Big 10 college town so football is BIG here and most people I know (me included) enjoy it, but not to the extent of foregoing all other fall activities or ignoring friends while out and about! That’s so extreme and makes me think this is more about your friend group than football.
Anonymous
Etiquette question for the hive: how terrible is it to assume people are married or to mistakenly refer to someone as their spouse if they’re not? I’ve done this a few times in the context of people I am friendly with through our kids. I guess I just mess up and say “oh I was talking your wife about that” when I really should just say “I was talking to Julia.” If the person just says nothing, should I apologize? It also feels weird to say “sorry, I know it’s julia.” Please be kind my intentions are good here; I just make mistakes sometimes. I know I shouldn’t make assumptions.
Anonymous
No one is coming for you with the guillotine but it’s not ideal.
Lily
Wait, so you know that they share children? If you know they share children, then I don’t think anyone can reasonably be offended if you say “husband” or “wife.”
On the other hand, if you’re meeting just one of a child’s parent, it could be offensive to assume the child’s other parent is (a) in the picture and/or (b) of the opposite sex.
anonshmanon
Are you just making married assumptions about unmarried couples? I don’t think that’s a big deal. Or are you pairing people who are not couples, or worse, exes parenting the same child? I could see how that would be offputting.
Anon
I have friends through my kids that I long thought were a married couple but are just a couple. I was really confused when the woman started talking about her partner and I thought maybe they had split up and she had coupled up with someone new.
Anonymous
You’re always going to offend someone. I default to the term ‘partner’ and even then people get their knickers in a twist.
Anonymous
Yes, I am offended when someone calls my spouse my partner because I am married and “partner” implies a non-marital relationship. Calling someone’s spouse their “partner” implicitly devalues marriage, which I thought was something we progressives valued and fought for just a few years ago. “Inclusive” language actually becomes exclusive and othering when it is deliberately and aggressively misapplied.
Anon
+1 – being married means something and it is different.
M
What? No. Marriage is a type of partnership. “Partner” is an umbrella term. This is not offensive.
anonshmanon
You are getting offended if someone simply doesn’t recall if you spoke about your spouse or partner previously? People don’t have perfect memories.
Anonymous
That’s why most married people wear wedding rings. If I am signaling to the world that I am married, it’s a good bet that I want my spouse to be referred to as my spouse. It’s not difficult.
Anon
+1, my husband is my husband. If someone refers to him as my partner I’m not going to get my panties in a bunch, but I will continue to refer to him as my husband. For others, I do my best to follow their lead. I would apologize if I realized that I misspoke.
anon
I have no idea how you make the jump to “exclusive and othering.” You may not like it, but that also has a lot to do with your internal view of the significance of marital vs non-marital relationships. I strongly value people having the choice to be legally married; that doesn’t mean I think non-marital partnerships are universally less meaningful.
Signed, a longtime married lady with a g*y brother whose partner of 25+ years is a beloved family member.
anonshmanon
This is where I come down. Being married may be very special and meaningful *to you*, but you can’t force others to value the same things that you value. Maybe you can find some comfort in the fact that it goes both ways! My partner and I had the intention of never marrying, but an international move made it mandatory. I don’t measure the seriousness or committed-ness of my relationship by a ring, and it grinds my gears that others do. It grinds your gears, prior poster, that people don’t acknowledge the specialness of your relationship by using the special term rather than a general term. I guess to me that’s like someone who bristles at being described as American, because they feel that their Texan/New York/whatever specific background is going unacknowledged.
Anon
I’m just curious, but if a couple has been together for 25 years in a permanent way, is there a reason now that they don’t marry? I feel like drafting documents for inheritance and benefits and to be on health insurance is all well and good but in a pinch (hospital visit abroad, etc.), it likely is neutral to helpful to be actually married vs just a long-time partner. Also helpful in case you split up. And for presumptions re paternity.
Anonymous
I have been with my partner 18 years (high school sweethearts). I married him 3 years ago. We could have done it 10+ years earlier, but it wasn’t a priority for us, and we were busy with school, new jobs, moves etc. Our relationship didn’t change because we put on fancy clothes, said some nice words, and signed a license (which is all we did). Once we were earning more and ready to buy a house and have kids, it became a priority just to make legal aspects simpler.
anonshmanon
Call me libertarian, but I simply feel very, very private about this personal relationship. I come from a non-religious family, so weddings are exclusively a town hall ceremony and family reception. I felt like it shouldn’t be the government’s business who I am committed to and what we promise each other.
As you point out, it makes many legal and bureaucratic situations easier (which I resent), and we ultimately caved on those grounds.
Anon
We got married because we needed health insurance (pre-ACA, when there were really no options for people with health problems) and to simplify legal things like buying a house, but like anonshmanon, I resent that the government has anything to do with this (and the health care situation in general, though that’s another topic!). It made absolutely no difference in how we felt about each other, and given that my husband’s married parents had such a nasty divorce that 30 years later we had to elope rather than deal with having them in the same room for an actual wedding, it’s pretty hard for us to feel like marriage should be taken seriously.
Anon
I commented below about people just looking to be offended without realizing someone had demonstrated it above!!
Anonymous
Marriage deserves some respect.
Anon
WTAF. No it does not. My god, get a grip.
Anon
That makes me crazy because it’s not descriptive at all. Business partner? Someone you’re dating? Long term couple who chose not to marry? Just call people the names for things or explain if you’re going to be vague.
Anon
Very true. I get confused on this website all the time! Law partner? Unmarried partner? Married partner? Usually I figure it out of course, but it doesn’t make things confusing.
I am old enough that my circles used partner primarily for same sex relationships when I was in my 20s. When I told some volleyball friends a story about my old partner (my beach volleyball 2’s partner, for those who play), one of the guys who had a crush on me thought that I was gay… and spread that news. Took months to sort that out (?), but it was a dry year for me!
Anon
I play tennis, so “partner” can be male or female. And it can be confusing if you don’t start with the tennis context of partner.
Anonymous
Defaulting to “partner” is obnoxious, just like it’s obnoxious when someone misgenders me as “they” even though I am obviously a woman and might even be wearing a nametag that says “she/her.”
Anon
But isn’t “they” also gender neutral? It’s what I always use until someone tells me a preference.
Anonymous
No, it’s not gender-neutral when applied to an individual obviously gendered person who has not asked to be called “they.” In that context it is aggressively anti-gender.
Anon
Agree w/ 1:48 – the terms “partner” and “they” are used as defaults mainly because they are all-encompassing. “They” is literally a less clunky way of saying “that person”. Language is evolving, take note!
Anon
Let me guess…you also get mad at “Happy Holidays” too?
Anonymous
Nope. The equivalent of someone calling a woman “they” is someone saying “merry Christmas” to a Jewish person.
Anon
+1 to anon at 2:44. This really isn’t that difficult to comprehend. It’s okay to want to be referred to as a woman just like it’s okay for someone to want to be referred to by non-binary pronouns. Just because some people don’t feel like they fit a specific gender doesn’t mean we can take it away from people who do? Hello?
Anon
I have a long term boyfriend (5 years). We’re of an age that long term couples are almost always married. Many people on our periphery assume we’re married and will refer to my husband or his wife. It doesn’t bother either of us, and I never correct someone unless it’s important in context. I have even accidentally called him my husband before! And I heard a good friend accidentally call him my husband just a couple of weeks ago (she corrected herself). I even refer to his parents as my in-laws because it’s easier than explaining.
For me, it’s really no big deal at all. I take it to just mean “life partner.” It does bother me when people ask why we’re not married or things like that, because that’s so personal. But slip ups like you’re describing aren’t offensive in the least.
Anon
Yeah, I was in a similar position for a long time and then we eloped and lot of people didn’t realize we were married, so people get confused about it all the time and it doesn’t bother me at all, as long as there isn’t judgment attached to it.
Runcible Spoon
Just be careful about not holding yourselves out as married if you don’t want the legal consequences of a common-law-marriage.
Anon
I’m the poster above and we live in a state that doesn’t recognize common law marriage. Either way, I figure we’ll do it eventually whenever it becomes important to us.
No Problem
I don’t know, if people act like they’re married it’s not the weirdest thing to assume they are. They can correct you if you’re wrong, and you’ll know for next time.
I once made the mistake of assuming a colleague (who lives out of state, who I had only met a couple times before) was married to a man when in fact she is married to a woman! I made some reference to “well does your husband…?” and she just said “wife” and I said “oops! I didn’t know. Does your wife…?” and that was the extent of the awkwardness.
Anon
I can’t tell if you mean that you assumed and it could be accurate, or if you misspoke and they definitely are not married? I would not apologize but would correct myself (even if it meant repeating myself).
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s a big deal unless it creates confusion. In your example, let’s say Bob and Cat had children together and are now divorced, and Bob is dating Julia who is somewhat involved with the kids. If you’re talking to Bob and you refer to his “wife” he’s not going to know whether you mean Cat or Julia. So in that case I’d clarify, sorry I meant Julia.
If Bob and Julia have kids together but aren’t married, I would try to avoid referring to Julia as “wife” but I wouldn’t correct myself if I misspoke. I think it creates more awkwardness to affirmatively point out, oh that’s right you aren’t married, and it risks coming off judgy.
Op
Yes! It’s the second situation. Thank you for expressing why I felt weird. I’m really not judging, I just have a blind spot where when people are functioning exactly like a stereotypical married couple, I assume they are one. It seems like correcting myself could come across as judgmental.
Anonymous
Not foolproof, but check to see if they have a wedding ring on before deciding whether to say spouse, husband, or wife.
Anonymous
I don’t know, just don’t worry too much about it. I was part of a very confusing situation at our school’s open house last night where a new mom friend thought I was married to the guy I walked out of the building with, who is not my husband. When I corrected her, she thought I meant we are an unmarried couple…but in reality he’s an acquaintance and we were both walking out of the same classroom at the same time because our kids are in the same class.
Confused friend, to her husband: “This is Anon’s husband, our daughter’s soccer coach.”
Me: “We’re not together.”
Him: “Well, we are often together [because we have 3 kids each, all the same age, all friends], just not in that way”
Confused friend: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize….”
Me: “No! We aren’t married; he’s not my husband.”
Confused friend: “Oh, I didn’t realize…”
Him: “No, she’s married. And I’m married. Just not to each other! Our kids are friends!”
Me: “We’ve never been married! But I am married! My husband is downstairs in the other classroom!”
Confused friend: “Oh, so you’re not the soccer coach?”
Him: “Well, I am a soccer coach….”
Me: “…He’s just not your kid’s soccer coach. That would be my husband. He’s downstairs.”
It all got sorted out but it was hilarious because Confused Friend was trying to be respectful and kind about our relationship which does not exist. Even more confusing, this guy and my husband are good buddies and have coached soccer together for our older kids before. Poor Confused Friend!
Anonymous
Ugh, I hate it when people assume I am married to a dude just because I am interacting with him!
Anon
Two women lived together on my old street. They had lived there longer than anyone else. Together. Everyone was so polite about their relationship but they were sisters, who had moved in with their parents and then outlived them. One had been engaged once, but he died in . . . Korea? Vietnam? At any rate, they had the best wigs, which they called their “party hair.” IDK that people would have figured it out from last names (but I often don’t know neighbors’ last names now that people use texts and not e-mails) or not, but it came up sometimes.
Anonymous
Living together and sharing children is marriage adjacent and you have nothing to apologize for. I promise you aren’t the only person who calls her his wife.
Anon
I didn’t take my husband’s name, and we live in a part of the country where that is extremely uncommon. To avoid confusion, we wear wedding rings, refer to the other as “husband” or “wife,” and I will often be deliberate in my introductions: “This is my husband, David Smith,” or “Nice to meet you. I am David’s wife, Emily Jones.”
Which is to say, if you’re the type to get your panties in a bunch over your exact relationship to someone, just use your words like an adult. It solves so many problems. If people can’t be clear about the relationships, they shouldn’t be upset when someone of good intentions guesses wrong.
Anony
I really don’t think it’s a big deal! I’ve made mistaken assumptions and had them made about me and it never seemed like anyone was offended (I definitely was not). It just happens.
AnoNL
Ha, don’t even try this in the Netherlands. Seems to me most couples are not married and my brain stops way to often when coworkers in their 40s and 50s call their long-term partners with whom they have 2-3 kids ‘my boyfriend’/‘my girlfriend’. And the next week, they call them ‘my wife’/‘my husband’ because it is easier.
Anonymous
Lol yes, I just posted about how this situation is uncommon in the US but is common elsewhere and I was 100% thinking about the Netherlands. My Dutch-American friend has been dating his American girlfriend for 9 years (we’re 29). People in the US ask when they’re getting engaged, his family in the Netherlands don’t even think to ask about it.
Anonymous
I don’t judge at all, but if you’re in the US, in a long-term relationship with children and aren’t married / planning on getting married that is uncommon and people will either a) assume you’re married or b) know you’re not married but forget and slip up on occasion. I don’t think it’s a big deal. There are plenty of places where this situation is common, but it’s not common in the US now so I”m sure they’re used to people slipping up on occasion.
Anon
I think we should be specific that this is in the US in specific socioeconomic groups. 40% births in the US annually are to unmarried women, and many of those are long term relationships. It’s uncommon in wealthy and highly educated women, but much more common in poorer and less educated women. I see this a lot in my family/community (largely made up of working class, HS educated, exurban to rural white people), and two of my cousins are not legally married to their partners despite many years together and multiple children.
Anon
Although I’ll at that my cousins, at least, say “husband” and “wife,” despite not being married, which probably reflects still-existing cultural norms about marriage in the US vs other countries where it feels like people are less likely to marry and also nobody cares.
Anon
USA also still has some states with common law marriage last I checked.
Anonymous
A few, but the rules are very stringent. The average couple does not qualify.
Anon
I don’t think anyone who isn’t just looking to be offended (you know the type) would be horribly offended by that. Maybe if you keep doing it after they let you know the real situation, but getting it wrong once is no big deal.
Anonymous
Has anyone found a great travel pants option lately? I usually do leggings but don’t love it. I’ve tried joggers but feel like they don’t look chic on me. I want comfy enough for an overnight flight but also to look like an off duty princess hopping on a flight and not feel trashy walking around Paris. Size 16.
Mrs Luke Danes
I don’t have any recs but now I know that “off-duty princess hopping on a flight” is my travel outfit goal. Thank you for that phrase :) I am the same size, so I will be following!
Anon
Athleta Brooklyn pants.
Anon88
+1 Black brooklyn pant, sweater and birks with socks (lol) or white fashion sneakers
Anonymous
These are perfect thanks!
anon
Costco makes a good dupe. Look for Kirkland travel pants. They had them in my store recently.
Anonymous
So does Old Navy!
Anon
So I’ve said it before but there’s not a pant in the world that’s going to look fresh after a 16 hour flight. I always wear my comfiest bottom on the plane (I’ve lately taken to the vuiori jogger but have been known to wear black PJ bottoms) and I change in the airport or on the plane if I’m in first before landing. I just carry on an arrival outfit and feel a million times better than if I tried to wear it for 10+ hours crammed on an airplane.
Anon
Quince!
anonshmanon
I thought princesses are always on duty…
Anonymous
I like NYDJ ponte knit trousers for this.
Anon
I just wear the pants I’m going to wear at my destination. If they fit properly they’re not going to be all that uncomfortable. I just got home on a 6 hour very early flight and I wore Talbots chinos. They still look presentable to wear for the rest of the day and they were comfortable on the flight. If I were headed to Paris right now (i wish!) I’d probably wear the same.
Senior Attorney
I have been super into my Old Navy Stretch Tech Wide Leg Cargo Pants lately. They also have a few other options in the same fabric and I love them all. Take up almost no room in the suitcase and do indeed look fresh after a long flight.
Runcible Spoon
Duluth Trading NoGa pants in cotton — stretchy, so they’ll be comfortable and snap back at arrival.
Mrs Luke Danes
Shopping help: Does anyone have recommendations for a translucent pressed powder that has a very slim profile to fit into a small purse? Drugstore brand preferred. TIA
Anonymous
Love your handle!
Anonymous
Not what you asked for, but my mother has a silver compact with a mesh in one side when you open it up. It’s refillable with any powder, but she uses Coty Airspun powder from the drugstore. (And all the bloggers say that’s as good as the various fancy powders at a fraction of the cost.) Do a search for “refillable loose powder compact.”
Anon
The reason you’re not finding this easily is that a finely milled face powder, which is what a finishing powder is, has a hard time staying in one piece in a shallow pour. It needs to be a little chunkier to hold together. I just learned this recently so I thought I’d pass it on.
I like carrying a Chanel or Dior pressed powder because the compacts are pretty and they give you space for a sponge or puff next to, not on, the powder. Mine were both rectangular. Slimmer than when they try to have room for the powder and a puff stacked vertically, but still not super slim.
Anon
Here’s one from Shiseido
https://www.shiseido.com/us/en/synchro-skin-invisible-silk-pressed-powder-0730852161290.html
Anonymous
For those of you who have become shareholders/partners in your law firms, how did you finance your buy in? My buy in has an amount down and then the firm offers the option to finance the remainder over 5 years with interest at AFR. Given that the interest rate right now is not the greatest, I’m looking for possible alternatives. I also have the option of paying the full buy in with cash, but my husband and I just started building a house and I want to look at all of the options.
Anon
We have a local person at our prominent large national bank who handles this for everyone.
Anonymom
I went through this earlier this year. Yes, interest rates are crappy. Despite this, almost all new partners at my firm finance the buy-in (as did I) using the firm’s recommended banking relationship. For what it’s worth, and without giving tax/legal advice, I’m told that you can deduct the interest payments as a business expense.
Anon
Some recent posts mention carpal tunnel surgery and I’m curious about your experience and how you decided to get the surgery. I first got CT in both hands when I was heavily pregnant with my second kid. Okay, that makes sense. Everything swells up. But since then, I’ve had flare ups. The most recent time has been in my right hand for over a year now. I think it feels better, then sometimes it feels bad. It’s up and down my whole arm. I saw a doctor recently and got X-rays, will get referred to specialist. But in the mean time, I’m curious to poll the HIVE for their experience battling this annoying ailment! Before this most recent time, I’ve seen doctors for this twice. Both times, they recommended icing and stretching and bracing. The first time basically worked (that was early on in the pandemic.) The 2nd time, the issue is just not going away.
Anon
Are you seeing a neurologist for this that specializes in neuropathies like this? Usually carpal tunnel does NOT go all the way up the arm, so maybe you have a different problem now or a neck/nerve root problem. You may need a test called a nerve conduction study, and possibly an MRI of your neck.
A primary care doctor cannot deal with this problem. And if you see a surgeon, they will always talk about surgical approaches. See a doctor first who can diagnose exactly what’s going on. That’s a neurologist, or sometimes a physiatrist.
Have you seen an OT that optimized all the possible contributors, so you can try to address the triggers? Like your computer keyboard/desk etc… Do you know other things that are exacerbating it?
Do you wear your braces every night with sleep, if that is when you are compressing those nerves? Were the braces adjusted appropriately so they are working correctly? Or do you need a new pair? Has a therapist talked to you about how you sleep so that you can try to train yourself not to compress those nerves overnight?
Have they done a work-up to see why you are more prone to this problem, as not everyone is? Like could you have a thyroid disorder, or another type of inherited neuropathy?
Wrist
I am the poster who is having CT surgery next month. This has been a problem for me for years, but really just an annoyance until the last few years when it got worse. I too had CT worse when I was pregnant.
In the past, things that helped are cortisone shots and the wrist brace, both during the day and at night. Pain meds help too. But the reason I decided to finally get surgery was because it can cause permanent damage and I did not want that to happen.
I also confirmed it was CT, versus a neck or shoulder issue. Sometimes a cervical issue can create the same symptoms in the hand. I verified this with a nerve test, which you need to do versus just an x-ray of the hand.
K.
I have been diagnosed. I was diagnosed through an electric test on my nerves, not an x-ray. So far I have only been given cortisone shots three times in the last year. My doctor said three times is the limit for shots, snd then surgery is recommended, but he says sometimes the shots work more long term for some people and no surgery is needed, so they a good first intervention.
I am 41, had 2 pregnancies, and my mother had carpet tunnel surgery. I started getting symptoms before kids when I knit a lot. I work on a computer and currently get pain or numbness even from routine things like holding grocery bags or holding a broom. The shots definitely help for a few months, but then it comes back. I am looking forward to surgery!
Trixie
I have had 2 carpel tunnel surgeries after pursing all other options (braces, PT, cortisone shots, ice, etc.) I battled CTS for a decade, and yes, it started in pregnancy. Once I had the surgeries–8 weeks apart–I felt such relief and wish I hadn’t waited so long. There is no reason not to do it, IMHO, except the usual very low percentages re: it not working out or complications. Also, I lost grip strength in my hands as I waited so long, and then did PT to get muse of my hands back to where it belonged. As Nike says, Just Do It.
Go for it
I did pulse doses of vit b (I think…google it) during pregnancies 21 days on, 7 off
Anon
When icing, stretching, and bracing were not enough, I got soft tissue therapy (IASTM/Active Release Therapy/Graston). I also took benfotiamine for it because there was a possibility that nerve health was a factor in my symptoms. This worked much better than icing, stretching, and bracing for me. I haven’t needed to pursue further treatment, though after a few years, I did do another round of soft tissue therapy.
Anon
I’d exhaust other options like consistent bracing, ergonomics, and cortisone shots before the surgery. I haven’t had the surgery but I deal with the statistics, and it’s not always a panacea.
If you do decide to have surgery find the best best best best CT surgeon you can find. Realistically you get one shot at this, and it needs to be your best shot.
I know how much it hurts. I’ve dealt with it myself but managed it with changes to my ergonomics, bracing, and anti-inflammatories.
Anon
What is the best option for selling clothes that are brand new? I have several items from a couple of online orders that never got returned. Brand new with tags. Poshmark?
New Here
Poshmark, or sometimes I find brand-specific BST groups on Facebook and have success there.
Anon88
If it’s a “cooler” brand, yes Poshmark. If it’s a mall brand you’re better off donating, sorry. For reference I’ve sold Reformation, Madewell, Everlane, Hill House Home on Poshmark very quickly for decent prices. I’ve had J.Crew, Gap, Old Navy and department store brands sit so long I finally gave up and donated them.
Anon
Good to know, yes it’s all mall brands.
Anonymous
Dress me, please.
I’m a 5’10” size 12 pear with size 11 feet. Pushing 40. I don’t like any of my options for fall clothes. What are you wearing?!
Anon
This pretty much sums up my look right now, albeit with some aspirational pieces. But the mood is right, high low mixes, lots of wider leg denim, luxe sweaters and boots, blazers.
https://alicia-lund.com/style/fall-palette-its-a-mood/
Anon
Wow love all of this
Anonymous
I like checking the Veronica Beard site for styling inspection. VB isn’t really in my budget but I can follow the silhouettes I like.
Anonymous
Can you tell us a bit more? Are you looking for work or casual? Is there a particular event that caused you to throw up your hands? I’m 45 and 3″ shorter than you but have a similar shape. I’ve been wearing a lot of high waisted wide-legged jeans with tucked in button down (and usually a blazer) recently. I’d also strongly recommend a pair of coated jeans since they read a bit nicer than regular jeans and are pretty easy to dress up. My lifestyle, however, is suburban parent with casual job and if you’re an opera-going investment banker my suggestions are going to be terrible for you.
Anonymous
Late to respond but I’m the OP. I’m also a suburban parent in a casual job :).
I did well i skirts and shorts all summer but had literally nothing to wear to back to school night this week. Or to the 3 sporting events my kids have this weekend, unless I wear athlesiure. I think (lack of) jeans is my biggest problem.
Anon
I’m 5’10” with size 10 feet and am 2 sizes bigger and a decade older.
Embrace your long legs. Wear pants that emphasize them. I like a straight leg Jean that hits at the ankle, and a full length wider trouser.
Cropped, short tops and jackets are not our friends. I like a jacket that hits mid hip or lower. When you’re tall with long arms and long legs it tends to look like you just couldn’t find anything long enough for you. You can sometimes make a shorter jacket work with a longer untucked shirt but it’s like advanced stylist to get the lengths just right.
I wear a lot of v neck slightly oversized pullover sweaters as well as structured cardigans/ sweater jackets in cooler weather. I wore a lot of ankle boots last year. So far this year I’m in chunky sneakers or
I always embrace the rule of fitted on top + loose on bottom or loose on top + fitted on bottom. Loose + loose just looks sloppy, and fitted + fitted is just too bodycon/cheap looking. I do a similar thing with proportion – I think my longer jackets/sweaters look better with ankle jeans than they look with my full length trousers (though that may also just be a loose + loose thing.)
Anon
I cut off my shoe comment. Chunky sneakers or Birkenstocks so far this fall, but it’s still warm.
NaoNao
I’m 5’10” and a size 16, more of a full hourglass shape/high waisted but here’s some of my fall options:
Cotton maxi skirt (solid color) or vintage 90s/Y2K mesh maxi skirt with a boxy button front blouse + some fun shoes –this is a loose over loose look but very stylish and comfortable and feels fresh to me
Transitional dress + heavier shoes and maybe some slouchy socks (kind of a 90s Elaine Benes homage)
Wide legged pants + a fun printed mesh top or a corset top + a sheer layering sweater
Cropped wide legged ponte pants in a rich, dark color + a coordinating but interesting contrast blouse (like berry red + wine purple or tomato red + pine needle green)
Cropped “carrot” trousers + loafers + a shell and a textured cotton collarless topper
Trends I love right now are rich deep red, grey/brown or rich cocoa brown, Y2K printed mesh (tees and skirts), mid-calf boots, 90s baroque prints and jewelry, crescent purses, the hint of Y2K bad taste as an accent on one’s otherwise impeccable “stealth wealth” outfit, “only the top button” on a button down (worn with a camisole or layer if you’re more modest) and 80s suiting.
Anon
Fun post for a Friday.
Watching the coverage of Meghan and Harry at the Invictus games – dang, they look great – so happy and in love! Also, what an incredible event.
I often watch her style as we have a similar body type in terms of general shape/proportions (she’s obviously….way more fit and slim than normal ol’ me). I really liked most of her Invictus games looks, especially all the high-low paring. Like me, she loves a high-waist despite being short of waist, which I also applaud. Her general style steers more classic and neutral than mine, but it gives me good inspiration for in-office days.
Anon
I adore her wardrobe. Her Invictus looks are inspiring me to wear a lot more neutral outfits all one colour.
Anon
I think if you are short-waisted and wear high-waisted bottoms, you have to go single-tone or it will just look really odd and blocky.
Anon
I think that my only similarity is being short-waisted, which I think is just a challenge for me to dress in a way that I like the visual result. C’est la vie.
I have to remember: I have rosy skin (thanks, rosacea), so an all-tan wardrobe is not going to be good. I can be neutral if it is white or black or navy or any combo of very strong colors and/or white.
Anonymous
IDK – everything seemed like not tailored properly and wrinkled? Tan pants were too long and expected a bit more polish. Wrinkly fabrics are not a good choice for sitting and watching events.
Anonymous
Being all over each other at charity work events reads a little clingy and desperate.
OP
In the spirit of fun/celeb gossip – tell me more about your thoughts here (seriously, not trolling). I always wonder if they’re “OMG SO IN LOVE” or just performative. I’m clearly an easy sell because I fall in the former camp usually.
I’ve been with DH for 10+ years, married for almost 9, 2 kids, lots of good times and bad times, overall have a pretty great relationship and gardening life, are pretty affectionate generally, and we do not engage in nearly that amount of PDA! We are also not on any type of fame level or public stage :)
Anon
Not the original anon, but:
1) I’m neutral to them, but I’ve loved her outfits this trip! That white sweater blazer + white shorts? Amazing. I’m very much enjoying her more casual fashion.
2) My completely uneducated take is that the PDA and extra-ness is just them. Almost like they’re performative in their daily lives for each other if that makes any sense.
Anon
I went to school with a girl who always had to be touching her boyfriend. I lot of guys did not like it — it seemed a bit like marking territory or being clingy / insecure about the relationship. I was in 6th grade, but can remember people commenting on it. Eventually, a lit finds the pot it goes with. So I think it’s odd, especially out of middle school, but maybe some people are like that?
Anonymous
Feels performative to me because of the situation – like it’s a charity work event not a date night. Like shouldn’t you be focused on engaging with others not each other? They don’t work so they see each other everyday presumably. Wouldn’t seem clingy at a dinner or concert.
Anonymous
please help me shop – i’m looking for a black(ish) maxi skirt to wear on weekends… or am i too late in the season for it? not sure where to look for something kind of funky/boho.
Anonymous
For a funky/boho maxi skirt I’d try Free people, anthropologie, peruvian connection, sundance, chicos.
Anon
Venting….I had a call yesterday with more senior leaders, and they made somewhat of a big deal about getting something out the door ASAP in advance of a meeting on Tuesday. I drafted and sent to them less than an hour after our meeting ended, and stressed during the call that to meet their timeline they needed to review before end of day. No response. I pinged them in the evening and said “hey, I sent this over, please take a look first thing in the morning to keep on track” (using somewhat nicer language) – they responded this morning with questions and comments that needed clarifying. Have I heard anything from them since I followed up over chat at 8:30am? No, of course not! Like, is this time sensitive or not??? Ugh.
Runcible Spoon
Hurry up and wait is commonly observed behavior among senior leadership types. They often have many demands on their time, so the challenge is to get them to turn their focus to your task; once they their schedule is freed up enough to do so, they can dispose of the matter in short order. At least they kindly gave you several days’ notice!