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Who has great New Year's Eve plans, or other holiday plans requiring awesome outfits? Regale us with your stories — and share what you're wearing. Even if you're having a chill night at home or with a few friends at a house party on New Year's Eve, I like the idea of wearing something festive for the occasion, and this sequin top from Joie not only looks fabulous, but it's also on sale: it was $268, but is now marked to $160. That may seem like a lot, but considering a bad sequin top is almost disposable, I'll bet the fashion math works out on this Joie one. Joie Gowa Sequin Tank
Looking for a more affordable version? I love this sexy mesh/sequin version for $68, or this very similar $99 version. On the plus size, this halter top looks amazing. (L-all) P.S. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all who celebrate! We're going to be on a reduced schedule next week, rounding up our favorites from the past year (here are our roundups from 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and 2010) — and of course reporting on any good sales as we see them, including Nordstrom's big clearance sale starting Dec. 26. A safe and happy holidays (and New Year) to everyone.Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Cat
I think the sentence “That may seem like a lot, but considering a bad sequin top is almost disposable, I’ll bet the fashion math works out on this Joie one.” needs to be revised — did you mean a “black” sequin top is almost “indispensable”?
My NYE outfit will be cute loungewear… hubs and I prefer to stay in and enjoy the champs as a party of 2!
techgirl
I’m assuming she means you can only wear a poor quality sequin top once before it looks tired/it breaks so the cost per wear is better on this one?
Bonnie
That’s the way I read it.
Cat
Ooohhhh. Yeah I can see that now that you point it out. Was obviously tripping over it earlier!
LALaw
Looking for some advice/taking a poll on a newly presented job situation. Assume in this scenario you are almost 12 weeks pregnant, are anticipating a high risk pregnancy with more than the average number of doctor appointments, and expending a lot of energy and time in maintaining general good health (because of said high risk pregnancy).
CURRENT JOB: the work is stimulating and interesting, hours are set at 9-6 with no weekend work or late nights, the days are flexible in terms of appointments and my comings and goings, but the work environment is fairly toxic (backstabbing and untrustworthy coworkers, ineffectual boss, no real leadership or support)
NEW JOB: a new initiative launching at my current company, under a supervisor that is universally loved and thought to be a great boss and mentor. There’d be a steep learning curve as it would be a new practice area for me, but one that I am interested in. Hours may be longer, particularly leading up to launch, and likely less flexible.
Would you take the new job, in this situation? If I wasn’t pregnant, it would be a no-brainer. And if I were to pursue the new job further, would you let the hiring manager know of your pregnancy before accepting? I’m struggling, because it feels like it would be taking the job in bad faith to know that I would be out on maternity leave during a crucial time of the initiative’s launch yet I know I have no legal obligation to disclose it. What would the wise members of the hive do?
EM
I am not wise and I have not been in this situation so all I can do is voice additional questions that I would have.
I would be concerned about the possibility of being put on bed rest. So in that case, I would prefer to have job #2 if I could lie in bed and read all day about my new practice field. Of course, if you need to be IN the field, this wouldn’t work too well.
I have also been in enough toxic work environments that have taken a toll on my physical heath which, of course, in your situation you should avoid at all costs. However, that depends upon how well you can not let the toxic-ness bother you…some people can mentally check out very well. I am not good at it.
Best of luck.
Anonymous
This!
New job all the way
definitely the new job and I wouldn’t say anything about being pregnant yet. You are not obligated in any way and it sounds like if your current job is this toxic you might be looking soon anyway. You may not be showing yet so why not get out while it’s easier?
Bonnie
Check how long you have to be at job b before being eligible for maternity leave.
Anonymous
+1
Anon in CA
It’s a long-term job (so not just handle the launch) and at your same company (so same tenure for mat leave benefits), right? I think no obligation to reveal pregnancy while applying for the job. It’d put the employer in an awkward position since it shouldn’t be a factor in whether you’re selected.
Culturally, I dislike the idea that women have an obligation to reveal a pregnancy when applying for a job (with some limited exceptions). Pregnancy and mat leave are part of life, just like other health/family matters. No one expects a man at high risk for a heart attack (which could require leave without any notice) to disclose when applying for a job. Why should women be put at a disadvantage because of their health and family needs?
Pam
Once the baby is born you can really get wonderful help and conquer the world. However, during the pregnancy your priority must be delivering a healthy, if possible full term baby.
Could you be candid with that beloved future employer and agree on either joining after maternity leave or if you join now, that they appreciate that you will need some flexibility? If you were to join you need their full support and candid communication. (You can’t go on and on about your pregnancy, etc, just the key facts and let them speak).
This comes from a successful mother who had complications on 2nd baby driven partly by stress and not a good place to be.
Anon
Reposting this from the morning thread, since I think I posted too late:
I recently discovered that a more junior male coworker makes exactly the same amount of money as I do (I manage a similar team to the one male coworker is an individual contributor of). We both report in to the same group head, and have the same number of years of experience (I actually think I may have 6-12 months more) and level of education. I have more responsibilities, including management of multiple people and running a larger business line, and a more senior job title/role within our organization. I’ve also received our second-highest or highest performance rating every year, so this is no way due to performance.
The twist here is that I’m leaving my job soon, and compensation is a big factor in my decision to resign. Is there any way to address or remedy this before I leave, or to at least let my boss know that I’m aware of this discrepancy and it’s one of the main reasons why I’m leaving? I’m want to handle this professionally and I don’t want to blow things up and leave on a bad note, but part of me is so angry about this that I’ve started researching the Equal Pay Act to see if I have any legal standing in terms of gender discrimination.
Any advice/feedback/thoughts/ways to talk me off the ledge?
Anonymous
Have you/can you ask for a raise? Providing they don’t know you’re leaving soon. I wouldn’t mention your coworkers pay but cite your achievements/market value. I imagine you’d want documentation that you tried to get the situation rectified if you were to address the legality.
Anon (OP)
I normally get a healthy raise each year (10-15%), and I’m comparing myself to a recent hire who came onboard within the last 12 months. They know I’m leaving so no raise this year. New hire got a raise roughly in line with what I would have received, if I stayed.
When I’ve mentioned in the past that my raises were generous but not sufficient, given my contributions and increased responsibility, I get told that “This is a long game and you’ll continue to see good increases each year as long as you keep performing, so hang in there and you’ll eventually get to where you want to be”.
Anonymous
He probably got market rate for his role, and market rate for the role you joined at was probably low because of economic factors. Unless you can prove he makes more than other women in his same role, out you make less than men in your same role, you don’t have much to gain by mentioning this annecdata during your exit. Low salary, yes.
lawsuited
If he was hired in the last year, your company may have matched or beat his previous salary in order to entice him to accept the position or he may just have done well negotiating his salary at hiring. I know I make more than one of my peers and more than one of my senior colleagues because I negotiated and I expect they did not.
Anonymous
I replied on the morning thread.
Anon (OP)
Thanks for your thoughts and feedback. I totally get your point and can see the value in an anonymous audit, rather than a lawsuit. However, I’m one of the few women not in an admin/support role or an all female group (HR), so I don’t know how much good an audit would do to support an equal pay act claim, since there so few women doing roles that are directly comparable to the positions men hold. I really don’t want a lawsuit following me around. I just want to be paid fairly for what I do and it’s tough to feel like there’s no good way to get there.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m assuming your decision to leave will not be swayed if they give you a raise. Don’t burn your bridged but you can let them know in an exit interview that your reason for leaving is compensation. Don’t make a huge fit over it only because you never know what the future holds. Don’t leave a bad impression.
PEN
related to my earlier airline Q: any tips for parking at Newark? I have never flown out of there. Would love some service where we pick the person up in our car, drive to airport and then they pick us up in our own car when we get back. I have tried to find one, but no luck. Thanks!!
Anonymous
Just go park? P6 is the airport economy lot. Check how much it will run you for your length of time, and if it’s more than a car service you have your answer.
Anon
https://idriveyourcar.com
No idea if they service your area. You could also get a college kid you trust to do it.
editrix
Are you in the EWR area? Uber is super cheap and taxis and parking at the airport are expensive.
No direct experience but a relative regularly uses WeDrive.
PEN
Thanks. I know this was a jerkish question. I’m driving from 2 hours away and will have two car seats and luggage for four plus two under two. So trying to simplify as much as possible and am happy to throw money at it.
Nova Scotia wardrobe
I am moving to a small town in Nova Scotia in January for a new job. I need to buy some new stuff in the coming months because some of what I have is worn out. Looking for recommendations for affordable clothing from Canadian stores both brick and mortar, and online. I’m in academia so most times I dress casually so think blouses, T-shirts, jeans, and depending on weather, corduroy and khaki. Are there U.S. online stores that ship to Canada where the shipping rates aren’t too high? Also the winter gear I have is mainly wool coats i.e. pea coats and knee length. Is there anything else I should get for a Nova Scotia winter? When I lived in the U.S. I was in coastal Connecticut (am currently in the tropics), is the Nova Scotia that much different? Any advice and recommendations appreciated, thank you!
TorontoNewbie
Fellow Maritimer here! shoot me a note if you want to chat about the East Coast. k – a -t – e – m – i – m at g mail
Anonymous
I’m in east coast Canada and mostly shop online. Banana republic/ gap/ old navy is my go to because free shipping and free return shipping. I often order multiple sizes and return what doesn’t fit. Halifax had a pretty full range if stores. Club Monaco online, hudson’s bay and Simons are also good.
Anonymous
For coats I recommend a three quarter length waterproof parka with a hood for stormy days.
I used to order from jcrew and nordstrom more but the exchange rate is currently awful.
Anonymous
What job? So jealous this is my dream.
Another anonymous judge
Lands End ships free to Canada and their site is priced in Canadian dollars – LLBean too usually. I think returns are $7.95 but a shipping label is included. Halifax has great shopping!
Weather probably a bit colder and damper than Connecticut in the winter, but not too different. Are you going to be living in Wolfville maybe? If so, the valley can be quite cold and snowy but is gorgeous in the summer. You’ll need proper snow boots, and probably rain boots too, along with a good long warm coat and a good waterproof coat with a hood, because umbrellas – well, just no.
So great to think of your move, wherever it lands you. Nova Scotia is a wonderful place and the people are amazing.
Anonymous
32 heat degrees tops are inexpensive thin warm layering tops, range $11-20 on Amazon. They function like long underwear, but can be used for working out. The have long sleeves and a scoop neck. Cannot vouch for their long term, season to season effectiveness. But they are so much less expensive than buying Smartwool tops (~$100 USD) and they fill an in between niche for layering.
Also get ski socks in Smartwool and other microfibers. For the wardrobe and weather context you describe, the socks would be perfect. If it is really cold, they layer well over tights and under leggings. They can run $25 USD a pair, but $12-18 USD on sale. They lady for years and make a big difference in your comfort November – March. REI and Amazon carry them.
Good luck!
Anonymous
Looking for advice on bridesmaids/groomsmen gifts.
We each have 8 or 9 people in our parties, so it’s a lot of people to buy gifts for. But I don’t want to appear stingy and we absolutely appreciate the effort, time and expense our friends are putting into our wedding.
For my bridesmaids, I got them each (and myself) a monogrammed nightshirt from JCrew; this is something I will absolutely wear as PJs/lounge wear, and hopefully they will too, but we can also wear it when we’re getting ready the morning of the wedding. I also got each of them a really pretty mug with their initial on it. Should I get them something else? If I did, budget would be about $20 pp.
For the groomsmen, my fiance is getting them each a pair of nice socks to wear with their tux (~$20), and a bow tie (~$30). We’re drawing a blank as far as what else to get them– budget would be about $20 each. Monogrammed bottle opener?
I’m sure I’m overthinking this, but it’s really stressful! Are we being super stingy? Is there anything cool we can get for $20?
Cat
Something specific to each person and COMPLETELY unrelated to the wedding is what I’d add, if anything.
Senior Attorney
I feel like socks and bow ties are kind of “things to wear in the wedding” gifts, which is nice but not all that gifty. Bottle openers sound fine. Also I am kind of obsessed with headlamps this Christmas and feel like that’s something guys would like and probably don’t have, and you could get a nice for for $20. Admittedly that’s a little random but I’m trying to think of something they’d actually like. (I assume you’ve considered and rejected bottles of their favorite booze?)
I think you’re fine for the bridesmaids with just the nightshirts and the mugs, but girls like headlamps, too. ;)
Anonymous
that’s so funny because my future MIL has given all of us headlamps in our Christmas stockings over the past few years. And they have definitely come in handy!
lbn
+1 love my headlamp for sewing and other crafts. My BIL gave out monogrammed oyster knives, which is useful for our area, and I also like the bottle opener idea
DCQ
We gave our groomsmen each a leather toiletry kit from Brooks Brothers. It looks like the one we bought (which was around $100 if I remember correctly) is no longer sold unfortunately, but something similar would be nice.
Anonymous
we probably could have done something like that if we put the whole budget toward it, but fiance really wanted to do the socks + bow ties (he’s a sock guy), so now our budget won’t allow for it. It’s a lovely idea, though.
Batgirl
I think that’s perfectly fine. Those sound like nice gifts to me.
Wedding party gifts
You can (and I would) go non-matching–just think about each person and buy her the kind of gift you’d get her for Christmas or her birthday. That was my overall bridesmaid gift strategy, and I made good use of Etsy, Uncommon Goods, and Anthropologie in finding things. The groomsman gifts I’d leave to your fiance–I assume he’s the one who asked them to participate and is now looking to thank them. I think getting heavily involved in them (by which I mean involvement aside from offering “Yes, that sounds like a good idea,”-type input if asked) is borrowing worry.
TorontoNewbie
Personalized key fob? I got this one as a present 6 months back and it’s amazing. https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/202278992/personalized-leather-key-chain
Anonymous
We did gift cards each tailored to the specific person as we could not come up with a groomsman gift that wouldn’t be thrown in a drawer and forgotten! Pizza place card for the guy who loves pizza, bar/tap house card for the beer lover, casino card for the gambling lover, etc. It worked out because we knew the guys would appreciate it and actually use it!
Anon for this
THIS is pretty awesome. Because seriously? Socks, monogrammed nightwear, bow tie, mug with initial on it, key fob, bottle opener, personalized note pad…All of this would pretty much go to waste for me (though in a literal sense, I’d donate it somewhere rather than throwing it away). There is NO telling what other people do or don’t find useful.
Gift cards tailored to the specific person, for the win.
I do like the headlamp idea, though.
I have no idea where the faux pearl necklace I was once gifted as a member of a wedding party (to wear during the wedding, basically) went. None.
Marie
Ha — I was just doing some decluttering and looking at the pink-c0ral-bead necklace I was given as a bridesmaid decades ago to wear during the wedding. (It matched the hideous pink floofy bridesmaid dress.) I don’t think I’ve worn it even once since the wedding. In the Goodwill box it goes!
Salem
Totally agree with $20 gift cards for whatever store they like- Amazon, Anthropologie, Sephora, Starbucks, etc.
anon anon armani
Notepads that are monogrammed … for maids and grooms. Big variety at Stationery Studio (dot com). Not a shill. Just a 5 year shopper there. Good quality and pricing, tons of selections incl. fonts, colors, designs.
DCQ
Help. I am scheduled to be on a TV show (a major national broadcast…I’ll say no more for anonymity) as a “subject matter expert” the second week of January. The set has a dark background and going through the archives of the show it’s clear that the set has a way of just washing people out. I cannot for the life of me figure out what to wear!! I am petite and most likely will need something tailored but I’m running out of time. I already went to Nordstrom’s personal stylist and came up short.
Suggestions? I am leaning towards a dress and a blazer, but it can’t be black or navy because of the set…
lbn
jewel-toned dress with long sleeves?
anon
Agree, jewel tone dress with long sleeves. Solid color. Look at the network’s website for photos of what other people have worn. If you feel like you must wear a jacket, could you do a light grey or even a jewel tone blazer? If you need tailoring but run out of time and it’s a length issue, you will probably be sitting and the length may not matter.
When you say the set washes people out, do you mean they look pale/? Can you have your makeup professionally done? (Do a trial run the week before to see if you like it) Some contouring and bronzer will help you not to wash out.
This is a time to wear whatever makes you feel your most capable and confident. If you had to go to the segment right now, what would you wear today? Base your choices on that if you can.
eertmeert
Avoid stark white, as well as small patterns and stripes. They all read funky on camera.
I second the professional makeup, with the addition of some mid-sized (not dainty or chunk, just in the middle – but nothing that makes noise that would be picked up by your mic either) jewelry.
Maybe look up some newscasters online and see what sort of things they wear – maybe you have something like that in your closet?
As a “subject matter expert,” a blazer seems like a nice touch, but it is tough with the dark background, as you noted. Can you find a red blazer or jacket? Even one of those Chanel-style jackets is a polished look.
Have you tried Banana Republic, Ann Taylor or White House/Black Market?
If you can’t locate the right dress, a top-jacket combo is nice.
Bunch of random thoughts – hope at least something is helpful here :)
eertmeert
Re tailoring: if it is a “too big” issue, you might be able to pin up the back to make it work.
S in Chicago
Just a note that they will likely have someone on set do your makeup and touch up your hair. I was on a talk show once and the makeup looked crazy in person (like you’re in a play) but read normal on camera. I’d do a jewel tone or gray (nothing light or white), avoid patterns and trust you’ll look great!
Elnora
Following up on this morning’s Christmas card thread: doesn’t anyone else have mixed feelings about cards they get from extended family? For example, my grandma makes a point of never using my hyphenated name, another aunt often brags about traveling to attend neo-con rallies. Am I the only one who deals with this?
Senior Attorney
Not necessarily extended family, but I didn’t change my name when I got married this year (at age 58!) and I was floored at how many people, even people I see on a regular basis, addressed the cards to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname. Even though we put both full names on the cards we sent out. I still appreciate all the cards we received, of course, but I have to admit the name thing made me twitch a little.
Aunt Jamesina
Yup. I’ve been married for five years and didn’t change my name (and tried to be vocal about that fact, but many people seem to have either forgotten or just assume I took my husband’s last name). We’ve only twice ever gotten cards addressed properly for both of us (this is compounded by the fact that my husband has a tricky first and last name. It’s annoying, but I know it’s not out of malice.
Anon
I have a distant relative who sends out a super braggy letter but I just throw it away and hang up the photo of her kids. I get a lot of joy out of receiving holiday cards so I try not to let anything bug me.
Cb
I do dramatic renditions of holiday newsletters “and little Tarquin is top of his class…”, roll my eyes and move on.
Anonymous
I don’t even notice who the cards are addressed to, I rip open the envelope and shred it. I appreciate every person who sends me a card. I mostly get photo cards, but I’d probably laugh at bizarre braggy cards. Make a game of it, who sends the weirdest card. The holidays are hard enough without stressing about cards.
Anonymous
What would you do if you found out that a family member was donating money to and working with causes and groups whose goal is to deport all undocumented people? There hasn’t been any violence but members of these groups will go to great lengths to out and report someone if they find out that person is undocumented. Our family, including this person, are immigrants but these groups press hard on the ‘legal immigration and no jumping the line’. Some of this involves political lobbying, protesting amnesty, advocating the end of the DACA with everyone deported and the changing of laws so only babies born to parents who are here legally get citizenship. My family member spearheaded a petition to have Mayte Lara, a high school valedictorian who is undocumented, to lose her place in college and be deported and led efforts to get donations for the family of someone who was murdered by an undocumented person. The family is suing the city of San Francisco because they don’t enforce immigration law and murder happened there and they didn’t turn this person over to the authorities when he was arrested even though they knew he was undocumented, they released him.
Everything these groups do and stand for is completely against my briefs and I’m heartbroken that my family member is doing this.
Anonymous
I would tell them that they didn’t get to slam the doors behind them when they came into our country. Maybe remind them of what is engraved on the Statute of Liberty. But they probably won’t see the light, and I would probably cut ties.
Anon
They came here *LEGALLY*. They did everything correctly and waited their turn. There’s a big difference between that and cheating the system and coming here *ILLEGALLY*.
Anonymous
Do you realize that for most (really, all) low-wage workers, there is no way to come into our country legally from Latin America, despite our insatiable demand for those same workers? There is no “line” to get into, aside from the lottery which is a joke.
And do you understand that we have an obligation to certain countries (namely, Mexico) whose land we stole, whose labor we have exploited, and whose economy we have wreaked havoc on, and who is our neighbor, one of our closest allies, and one of our largest trading partners?
And do you really think that the sins of the father should be imputed to the children?
Anon
My parents immigrated here from Mexico *LEGALLY* Instead of allowing undocumented people to break the law, why don’t you push for better immigration laws that make it easier for immigration, or seek to pay reparations or give aid to people you think are owed for past mistakes?
Anonymous Colonial Dame
+ million Anonymous 3:11. Those who enjoy eating those cheap strawberries and making smoothies with blueberries in places with names like San Francisco, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, and Las Vegas and bitching about illegals, perhaps could consider their own complicity. States like Alabama and Georgia found out the hard way a few years ago that US agriculture absolutely depends on illegal immigrants. I’ll put the link about the law of unintended consequences and harsh penalties for illegal immigrants from that well-know liberal rag, Forbes, in the post to follow.
Anonymous Colonial Dame
Trying again because of moderation. If anyone eats agricultural products from the US, you are deeply complicit in REQUIRING illegal immigration. Because of ill-informed and emotional reactions, it’s been imposssible to develop a system of viable legal immigration/guest workers from S. America, all the while that we enjoy our blueberry smoothies and steamed broccoli. Very few people ever think about the requirements to make a living by harvesting — you have to follow the crops, which means you move from state to state when crops are ripe, which has all kinds of implications about community engagement, schooling, healthcare, stable and consistent employers, etc. It’s not easy. And a number of states (Alabama, Georgia) found out the hard way by passing harsh anti immigration laws and seeing enormous financial losses because they couldn’t get the crops in. And the US citizens they tried to hire wouldn’t stay on the job.
And I say this as someone whose ancestors came over super early, dispossessed a bunch of Native Americans, and then later moved to California right after the US dispossessed a bunch of Mexicans (meditate on place names in western states for a moment). It might be worth noting that a large portion of S. Americans also have Native American ancestry — the rest of the continent got colonized too, you know. If you want to argue about who got here first and blood right, Mexicans might have more “ancestral” right to move here than the Scots-Irish do.
But I’m with the “you don’t get to slam the door” people. My ancestors came because they were being burned at the stake for their religious beliefs, including the quaint belief that women and people of different colored skin were equal. If we encourage the politics of envy to grow and the replacement of founding ideals about what makes an American to be replaced with inconsistent and false ideas about personal benefit centered around simplistic notions of the economy, then it’s not going to bode well for anyone.
Anonymous Colonial Dame
http://www.forbes.com/sites/realspin/2012/05/17/the-law-of-unintended-consequences-georgias-immigration-law-backfires/#718656c1404a
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/44793726/ns/us_news-life/t/alabama-loses-workers-immigration-law-takes-effect/#.WF2b2rQ8Kf0
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/few-americans-take-immigrants-jobs-in-alabama/
Anonymous
I can here legally too! Because it’s pretty easy to immigrate here if you are a rich white native English speaker.
Anonymous
+1 I would cut ties. This person sounds completely irrational.
Anonymous
+2. Why have any borders at all? Let’s let everyone in.
Anonymous
Really? Wanting to support and help those who are undocumented is not the same as wanting open borders. Not even close.
Anon
Well considering that they are only fighting illegal immigration, and you mentioned that there is no violence, I would be supportive and ask your family member what I could do to help. My parents did everything legally and waited for years before they could come here. No one should be allowed to jump the line.
Anon for this
+1
Anonymous
Being against illegal immigrants doesn’t mean that someone is racist or anti-immigration. If your family member was against all immigration that would be different, but as it stands, you are the one with an issue, not them.
Anonymous
You are everything wrong with the world. Are you celebrating Christmas? If so you really don’t get it.
Anonymous
I don’t celebrate Christmas as it is not a holiday in my culture.
Anonymous
Are they fighting the big businesses that hire illegal immigrants and create the demand? Or are they only concerned with demonizing the immigrants themselves (like DACA beneficiaries who had no choice in their circumstances?) If the latter, I’d say they’re racists and cold-hearted and I wouldn’t want to associate with them.
Anonymous
They do both and have led boycotts and protested those businesses in addition to their other actions. If my family member had her way they would face sanctions. She posted a list online and encouraged everyone to boycott. They are anti undocumented people on all fronts, the complete opposite of where I stand.
Anonymous
I agree with your family member.
Anonnn
Cool. You’re a terrible person.
Anon ymous
Me too. Borders and laws are overrated anyway.
lawsuited
Some laws are misguided and unjust.
Helen I.
Delurking to say that my nephew was waitlisted to the college that Mayte Lara is attending. We are Native-American. I was disgusted when I learned years ago that illegals are allowed to attend college in Texas.
Anonnn
You’re also pretty terrible.
Helen I.
I apologize. I probably sounded harsh. People who are Native-American should be more accepting of immigration and shouldn’t complain when people who are here illegally are given opportunities before them. You are completely right.
Anonymous
People are not illegal. You should know the risks of dehumanization. Maybe your nephew should have been smarter?
Anonymous
People are not illegal but being undocumented means they are here *illegally*. Laws and border controls exist for a reason.
As an aside, if anyone is allowed to be critical of immigration it is someone of Native decent.
Anon
Check your privilege, big time.
Anonymous
So people who are illegally in the US have a right to displace citizens from public universities? I missed this. Could someone bring me and others up to speed on why it makes one a terrible person to want US citizens to have preference in college admissions? Does anyone else see the irony in allowing non US citizen/undocumented people (trying to avoid using term illegal) who are often of indigenous descent to displace US citizens of indigenepus descent in college admissions?
lost academic
You know that non-citizens are constantly displacing citizens at colleges, right? Especially public colleges. They’re a cash cow for universities.
Anonymous
No comment on the immigration issue, but I just googled the murder case that you mentioned. That’s so sad for everyone involved.
Anonymous
You should not do anything. This person is entitled to their opinion, and to engage in a cause they believe in. Their cause happens to be to enforce the law. You don’t like the law? Work to change it. You don’t get to pick and choose which laws you get to obey.
EM
To me, this is the sticking point–they are not working to enforce the law. Well, maybe the spirit of the law…but they are ignoring procedure.
Illegal and legal immigration here is one issue. The other issue is a separation of state and federal powers, which is just as important. A city cannot enforce federal immigration law. Nor should they. Civil liberties are another issue, which I firmly believe are applicable to all people…citizens, visitors, guests, drunk uncles, etc. Also non-negotiable is the constitutional point that guarantees all people born within our borders to be citizens.
So, I would be ok with boycotting companies that hire undocumented workers. (I wouldn’t necessarily agree with the stand, but I’m ok with the choice.) I might even be ok if someone wanted to work to change the admissions rules in their public-funded state colleges.
The only point I really can’t get behind is holding people accountable for what their parents did when they were children. But that’s my moral stand.
So, to summarize, if I were the OP, I would be livid that family member was working to circumvent the law (as I see it) to conform to their own beliefs. Not cool. And OP, I really don’t know how to deal with that. I feel for you. Maybe give them a copy of the Constitution and tell them to read it. If they don’t like it, explain how they can change it (2/3 of state or Congressional approval.) If they want to lobby for THAT encourage them. That will keep them occupied for the next 50 or so years without doing too much damage.
Anonymous
“The only point I really can’t get behind is holding people accountable for what their parents did when they were children.”
Unless they are white, because white people are responsible for all the problems in the world and everything their parents and other ancestors did. But no one else.
*Rolls eyes*
Sloan Sabbith
This isn’t what’s being alleged when white privilege is discussed. White ancestors are not responsible for slavery, but white people today benefit from immense levels of socioeconomic privilege as a result of the current and historical racism present in the US and around the world, including (but not limited to) slavery.
White people aren’t responsible for the genocide and displacement of Native Americans, but we benefit *immensely* from the benefits of such genocide and displacement. Cities are placed on land that belonged to tribes that are not recognized, were placed into poverty-ridden reservations, and otherwise systemically devalued and dehumanized. It’s not my fault, but I recognize that I benefit from it immensely.
White kids of bankers who took advantage of low income, LEP, historically marginized people etc. aren’t responsible for their parent’s decisions that led to their wealth and the poverty of others, but they’ve benefitted from it immensely.
Children of undocumented immigrants aren’t responsible for their parents’ decisions to arrive undocumented (often escaping incredibly, unbelievably terrible situations- rape, genocide, systematic killing of particular groups, oppression, etc), but now we’re saying that they should be punished for these decisions. That doesn’t make sense.
lawsuited
I mean, if your point is that white people are hard done by, I hope you also take into account that although white people are responsible for all manner of wrongs, they have hardly been held accountable for those wrongs so there’s really nothing for white people to complain about in this regard.
Aunt Jamesina
Ugh. Why don’t these interest groups ever go after those in power who are employing undocumented workers? Go after the pull factor rather than individuals who are in precarious positions.
emeralds
Oh my God the lack of empathy and willingness to spend five minutes considering that undocumented people are PEOPLE turns my stomach. Many undocumented people are fleeing unimaginable poverty, chaos, and violence, with no viable, legal immigration options open to them. There is no line for an “unskilled” man who dropped out of school in Guatemala in the fourth grade to jump. There is literally no line, no path. And yet that man can arrive in the US, follow every law since he’s arrived, learn a valuable niche trade American-born workers wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, and become a valuable member of his community and proof that the American Dream is still possible. He’s working on his GED now, but even with that he has no chances of staying in this country legally because he’s a brown-skinned ESL student without a college degree (and yes, his employer has consulted multiple immigration lawyers to see what she can do for him because her business couldn’t run without him). That’s a broken immigration system, not an illegal freeloader jumping the line.
To say nothing of the economic consequences of deporting mass numbers of workers who form the backbones of many industries that we all patronize–agriculture, food service, all those mani/pedi salons…
Anonymous
It’s against the law. What part of that do you not get?
emeralds
Jim Crow was legal. Nazi death camps were legal. Apartheid was legal. Laws can be unjust and laws can be wrong. Hope you’ve never speeded, run a stoplight, or had a drink before you were 21.
Anonymous
+1
X
+1,000,000
Anonymous
I’m sure the family of Kathryn Steinle agree.
Sloan Sabbith
This is usually a community where even if I disagree with the opinions being shared, I generally (not always, but much of the time) respect that some are discussing differences of opinions in a respectful way. This is a very sensitive topic- with incredibly strong views on all sides. But so are many, many other things discussed here. The vitriol, hatred, sarcasm and snark here was so, so frustrating and sad. We are a better community than this.
OP, I’ve found that people like this are pretty difficult to have discussions with. I tend to silently protest by donating to the ACLU, our local immigrants rights legal assistance group, etc.
ck
+1
Anon in LA
Start donating small amounts of money in family member’s name to organizations like MALDEF.
Anonymama
I’d say just as a purely practical matter, it doesn’t make economic sense to try to deport every illegal immigrant. Particularly undocumented people who have grown up here, been educated in public schools, and are working, contributing members of society. That’s just throwing away tax dollars (if we’ve paid to educate someone, why ship that person to another country where their increased productivity will benefit that country rather than ours?) As a purely cost-benefit thing, it’s not worth it, just as most retail stores calculate a certain percentage of shoplifting loss into their bottom line, because catching it all would cost them way more money than it would save them.
Anon
Your cousin is a nut. My family immigrated legally, because we’re rich and white. We have nice anglo-saxan names and european heritage. Im not disillusioned at all that we only got in because the system is deeply prejudice. I think the system needs to be amended because there is such a shortage of low skill and farm labour. But no one will admit they rely on those people in our service economy every single day
berkeleyan
This conversation kind of reminds me of what happens in the comments on Berkeleyside or the San Francisco Chronicle SFGate. Some liberal position one of those publications will bring conservative commenters out in droves. It is said that websites like the drudge report will post a link and then their followers will come over. They are mean, nasty and insulting and always hide behind their anonymous screen names.
Did that happen here?
In any case, remember, it’s Christmas. Think about what that means (particularly if you are a so called Christian conservative) and what position your lord would take on this issue.
Meg March
We have a judge who doesn’t like to have things scheduled for the week between Christmas and New Years, which I appreciate, I DO, but our submission is due today and everyone else has already left the office and I’m just sitting around waiting for the partner to turn it around to me.
Sydney Bristow
I’m stuck at work until 5 and counting the minutes. My office is pretty quiet but several coworkers are still here with me.
Ellen
Dont feel to bad for yourself. It is now 3:58PM and I have at least 5 hour’s to bill b/f I can head home. I also have to file a breif electronicaly, but our teck guy spilled coffee or something else on the server, so it is down while he is fixeing it. We are the ONLY 2 people here and he is gross. Everyone else is out celabrateing and I am stuck with a teck guy that pick’s his nose. FOOEY! I will be takeing a day or 2 off next week, but MUST be the partner in charge @ the office when the manageing partner tells me to be b/c he will be with Margie and the Baby at their new PEID a TERRE on 3rd Avenue! I hope I can find a guy to marry me and buy a PEID a TERRE so that I can retire. YAY!!!
Sloan Sabbith
Kat, WHY?!
AttiredAttorney
Do any readers have a preference or rec for label makers? I realized this might be a good strategy for labeling all my “nice” jewelry which sit in their boxes most of the time, boxes of Christmas decorations in storage, and other boxed things.
anon anon armani
Dymo. I just plug it in when I want to use it rather than using the provided battery pack. Had one for years – both home and office. You may find the labels are “small” if items are up in closet shelves … could not use for tools in garage due to that.
Anonymous for this
I’m going through a divorce. This is the first Christmas I will be without my husband in 4 years (2 married, 2 as boyfriend/girlfriend). Even though I am traveling to my home state to see my family and will be with them for Christmas, I’m the only unmarried adult and the only adult without children on either side. None of them are divorced either.
Part of what prompted me to post this was the thread from this morning where someone asked about her friend who just had a divorce. That was exactly me, minus the kids. My husband scaled back and wanted me to as well, and I tried and went to a government job where there was no working from home and things like that, but I hated it and went back to my old job. My husband was upset that I missed both of our anniversaries because of my job. Now I regret being such a work-a-holic. He had minor surgery and I hired an Uber to drive him home because I was too busy at work and didn’t want to use the PTO I have. I’m pretty sure that I have so much PTO built up that I will be forced to use some. I wish I could tell my husband I want to work on our marriage, but we are only communicating through lawyers and I don’t know where he is living or his new phone number. I’m so lonely and just needed to vent.
Anonymous
I’m sorry this Christmas is so hard. I have no words of wisdom but you will be in my thoughts.
Monday
I’m sorry. Who initiated splitting up? I think if it was him, and you’ve already said you didn’t want him to go, then he probably already knows whatever you’d want to say to him. If he’s made himself completely impossible to contact, that may be your answer, sadly.
I too am spending the holiday on my own in a divorce process that was not my choice. There’s no shortcut through this kind of pain, but I also know it’s not going to last forever.
Anonymous
I’m sorry too. You can always reach him though. If you want to try, make it happen.
EM
If my spouse missed our 2 anniversaries and hired a car to take me home from surgery I would not probably not want to talk to the person, particularly this time of year. Anon-for-this has to accept that she made some big mistakes and trying to talk to him so that she can feel better is a selfish thing to do.
Anonymous
I missed an anniversary five work and my husband was totally understanding and we celebratwd another night. NBD. I really don’t get what the big deal is about an anniversary per se.
EM
In this case, the OP missed 2 out of 2 anniversaries, which isn’t a big deal if you’ve been married for two decades, but she was only MARRIED for 2 years! That, along with hiring a car to drive husband home from the hospital, signals that she didn’t place much importance on her marriage.
I'm Just Me ...
It wasn’t specified but HOW the anniversaries were missed would make a difference. Big difference between “Honey, I’m slammed at work, can we do dinner and celebrate in two weeks?” and leaving someone hanging at the last minute and then “Oh well, I couldn’t get away.”
Godzilla
I don’t like to comment on the lives of The Married since I have never been married but OP sounds like a d!ck. Sorry not sorry. I’ve taken off of work by using a Vacation Day to take my uncle to the hospital, waited while they operated on him, and then taken him home. Thankfully, I didn’t need to take more time off. Same for my parents and siblings. H3ll, we take time off to take each other to dentist appointments in case the anesthesia makes someone feel terrible.
You’re feeling lonely during the holidays and you want to reach out but if these are the highlights of how you treated him, I can’t imagine how badly you treated him on a day-to-day basis. You need therapy if you want a relationship. No man, woman, or lizard should put up with the behavior you exhibited. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, carry on as you were.
Sloan Sabbith
So incredibly excited and proud of myself: I bought a car today! 2012 Subaru Impreza. Saved all the $ I got from graduation and took out a very small loan to pay for it. Payments are $75/month for 36 months and it’s my first car that isn’t a hand me down from my parents. Stressful process, but exhilarating to choose it myself (with input from my parents, who went with me to help out and provide opinions) and I love it. ❤️❤️❤️
Anon
Congrats! Enjoy it!
ck
Great car!
Great financial planning!
I’m not usually a fan of car loans at all, but you did it right. Used, very good car, minimum loan.
Keep up the great financial habits and you will do well in life. Now take what you had been saving towards your car, and put it towards your retirement.
Sloan Sabbith
Thanks! :D At one of the dealers, they asked what my credit is. So worth it to share that private information when I was able to say “760.” The look on their faces was amazing.
Ekaterin Nile
Congratulations! And solid choice of car. Maybe you can find some snow to gently try out the AWD. :-)
Sloan Sabbith
lol I’m currently at my parents’ house, where there is six inches and counting of snow outside. So it’ll get a test as soon as I drive it off the lot in a few hours.
Ellen
Congratulation’s to you, Sloan Sabbith! My dad agrees you made a good selection and a SUBURU is a solid car, so best wishes for the HOLIDAY season. Dad also says 4WHEEL Drive is a good thing, but just be carful b/c the road’s are sloppy this time of year. I hope the holiday season gives you everything you want, and that you find a nice guy to have fun with over the New Year’s!
I am in the office today (why I never know), but being the new PARTNER mean’s that I have to do this while the other Partner’s have time with their family’s. I expect to complete my billeings today — 7000 hours this year and all extra hour’s billed go to the Salavation Army! Morover, I hope we make a new Partner next year so that I will NOT have to cover the office over the holiday’s again. FOOEY!
Curls & Mousse Q
Wavy/curly girls who use mousse, help me out: if the few times I’ve used mousse in the past it’s done a great job of defining my curls but made my hair crunchy and my scalp itchy, does this mean
a) I haven’t found the right mousse,
b) I’m using too much mousse,
c) I’m not a mousse person,
d) Another product would be better entirely.
I’ve never quite figured out where I am on the 2a/2b/2c/3a/3b spectrum but I’m a white girl with fine hair and not tight ringlets but a pretty significant curl pattern (not just waves). Thank you in advance!
Anonymous
Too much mousse, but also that’s just how mousse is.
Bama655
This is just like my hair. This is what I’ve determined- use mousse plus hairdryer with diffuser and it won’t be crunchy if you use the right amount. If you dry naturally, the mousse will always be crunchy. I use kerastase oil for naturally drying my hair. It obviously will not hold the curl as well so I will curl select sections with a curling wand to even it out. This is my preferred way to do my hair. Let it dry naturally and then curl with a wand. I finish with alterna 2 in 1 volumizer and scrunch. I can make it last a couple days just by dry shampooing the roots and touching up with the wand.
Anon for this
I used to do the “curly girl” method, and I found that glycerin–even in my rinse-out conditioner–made my hair crunchy. So it might be a particular ingredient in the mousse…
Good luck!
Lobbyist
I have wavy curls and just use conditioner that I don’t rinse out. Not leave in conditioner, just conditioner — like the one they have at the gym or any old conditioner. Then I just let my hair air dry and the curls look good. If I have to blow dry I use a diffuser and don’t dry all the way and make little ringlets around my finger.
anon
My daughter is white with fine red curly hair, but lots of strands and pretty small curls (probably a 3b). My bff, who is african american, got her started on coconut oil and she loves it. She adds it after she washes. The first couple of times she used it, either her hair wasn’t acclimated or she used too much, and she found it greasy. But now she loves it. She puts it on wet hair after she washes and combs out. Then she lets it air dry. She doesn’t add more between washes but wets her hair to reset her curls between washes, and it seems to sort of reactivate the coconut oil.
As her mom, I love it because it’s certainly natural, and a lot cheaper than product. We buy regular kitchen/cooking coconut oil, which is solid at room temp. She rubs some in her hands and distributes it through her hair, avoiding the scalp to the extent possible.
Curly anon
I have pretty similar hair, and find this to just be part of using mousse (or gel, or a lot of other curly hair products actually). The way I’ve found that works for me is to use AG Re:coil Hair Activator (a cream) and then scrunch in some gel on top (I also follow the curly girl method). It dries just a little bit crunchy, so when it is mostly dry (usually I duck into the bathroom right when I get to work) I scrunch in just a tiny bit of conditioner to break up the crunch (I keep a travel size bottle in my purse).
Curls & Mousse Q
Thank you all so much! Just getting back to this now but I’ll definitely be trying everything. (As a side note, does anyone know of a place to buy tiny samples of stuff? I know if you go to Sephora you can often ask the salesgirl for them nicely but I’m never actually in the store.)