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Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- Favorite comfy pants for an overnight plane ride?
- I’ve got a nasty case of tech neck…
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What’s the best commuter backpack?
- I’m early 40s and worry my career arc is ending…
- I canNOT figure out the proportions in this current season of fashion…
- How is everyone wearing scarves in 2023?
- What shoes are people wearing to work between boot and sandal season?
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What are some of your go-to outfits that feel current?
- I need more activities that are social, easy to learn and don’t involve extreme running/jumping/etc.
How often does Mango have site-wide promotion codes?
and can anyone comment on quality? I need a basic black blazer but I’ve never purchased from this brand. size 12 and tall.
Mango is like a Zara/H&M.
Maybe relevant in case you’re traveling to Europe – this blazer it’s 50 EUR here (taxes included), so 59 $.
For most of last year, my office was ridiculously understaffed. I ended up doing parts of about 3 different jobs and we were constantly in a time crunch. Eventually, we got more staff and have divvied up these job duties so that everyone is only responsible for the job they were hired to do. This is overall a better work environment. I know that objectively it’s better not to have people covering for several different positions. BUT, I feel useless now. My job fluctuates a lot seasonally- I’ll have a few months when I struggle to get my head above water, and then a few months when I’m using all my energy just trying to to be bored. In the not-busy months I feel like I should be busier because last year I was always busy because of the staff shortage. I think I need to get out of the mental place of assuming busy = successful/valuable/important. Has anyone experienced something like this?
Yes, absolutely get out of that mental space. Successful/valuable/important = excelling at the job you were hired to do. Sounds like you’re doing that.
There’s also this: We can get hooked on the adrenaline and the deadlines, and it’s hard to let ourselves calm down and work or live at a different pace.
YES, this is my life since I work in nonprofits and our work is on a cycle; we definitely have busy seasons and quiet times. I struggle with being bored. When I’m busy, I’m happy and energetic about my work; when it’s quiet, I hate my job. I often remind myself that just being there and being available even if I don’t have a lot to do is still important. And I enjoy the opportunity to take long lunches or leave early when I can.
Some of the best advice I’ve gotten for periods of time like this is to use the downtime to further develop your career in other ways, i.e., business development, involvement in trade organizations, pro bono or charitable projects, continuing education, etc. Try to think of the slow periods as opportunities for advancement.
YES, I have been there. I’m still there. Just earlier this week, I realized that I have no idea how to work anymore without a crisis at my back. Looks like I have some work to do in resetting my habits and expectations.
I am in technology and experiencing the same fluctuations in workload – we develop the strength to run at 200% for months at a time and when that speed/momentum/busy level drops, it makes one feel less valuable. I’ve researched this and learned that it has to do with mental muscle memory and you have to change your habits in order to break the pattern/develop new mental muscles. You have to eliminate the negative thinking that you are less valuable if you are not as busy as you were before….this is hard but practice this and you will be stronger in the long run.
I’ve generally been feeling kind of bored, unmotivated, and a little lonely (30s and single) and I think having a new goal or project to focus some of my energy on would help me feel better, but I’m having a hard time coming up with something. Are any of you working towards something big? Running a marathon, starting a company, starting a blog, finding the best chocolate cake recipe, etc? I’d love to hear about what goals you all are working towards and how you chose those goals!
I like to start a new workout program every time I feel like that – I’m currently doing Kelsey Wells’ PWR program. Every week, there are new workouts and as you progress through it, you feel yourself getting stronger and can see the results. That keeps me motivated and focused on something.
I posted on here a little while ago about starting Couch to 5k. Not as big as a marathon, but pretty significant for me since I’ve never been able to run even a mile without having to stop.
I picked it because I got tired of burning out on exercise plans because I was doing them for aesthetics- I want to be skinnier, get rid of fleshy upper arms, stop my thighs from jiggling, all that BS- and then getting frustrated when I didn’t see immediate results. I decided I wanted to do a workout plan that focused on getting better at a skill and had measured ways of seeing improvements.
I started dancing! Ballroom. It’s super relaxing and so much fun. I have no particular goals except go and try hard and have fun. And shockingly to me there are lots of single guys there.
I’ve always had a ton of side interests but those can be lonely too if you do them yourself. I recently started an articles club (no books to read, just a quick article to talk about) and it’s a great way of connecting with friends. I’ve been in book clubs that fall apart due mostly to a lack of organization so I figured I’d take it on myself. The trick is to make the invite list long enough and let people bring friends. I do it after work, at my house, serve something easy (people bring stuff too) and it’s fun. Pace is every other month, enough time to keep people connected and not too infrequent either.
Would volunteering help? I don’t have any big projects I’m working on, but I look forward to taking care of the kitties at the animal shelter once a week.
I do a big weekend-long bike ride for MS every year, and it’s a great motivator. My goal year 1 was just to finish it now my goal is to recruit a new person each year (and retain my old recruits!). It’s a great way to make friends, as well. I golf and set specific goals for areas improvement I want to make, usually changing it up every month or so. I am a regular at both the place I volunteer weekly and at certain classes at my gym.
I posted a couple weeks ago about taking up cross-stitching. Trying to get a little piece done before the appropriate holiday is curiously motivating. (I’m working on a Halloween one now and am down to the wire on my Oct 1 self-imposed deadline ;) )
Is it Friday yet?
I started rock climbing in January, and it’s been great for me both physically and mentally. It’s a very social sport, so it helps a lot with the 30s single loneliness to meet up and climb with friends at the gym after work instead of going home and watching TV or reading alone. I’m also the fittest I’ve been since I was 14 and swam six days a week. My gym has a meetup group, and also offers classes, both of which are easy opportunities to meet people/belay buddies.
Based on SA’s posts about it, I just took up reformer Pilates! It’s a great addition to my running, riding, and strength training, and has shown how weak my upper body is. I am working towards increasing flexibility, strength, toning, and upper body strength. My monthly membership also comes with unlimited barre and mat classes, so I plan to throw a couple of those in there too. I also have a goal of completing one crossword puzzle a day, so I purchased the NYT crossword subscription and I do that each night.
I’m also teaching a class again in the spring (adjunct), so I need to start working on prepping for that. Perhaps there is class you could teach for fun (b/c definitely not for money) at a local community college/senior center/adult learning center in your area?
I had a friend who decided to do one new thing every year. One year he learned how to ice skate, another year he cooked his way through the Joy of Cooking. He was a really fascinating person and I’ve tried to adopt his approach.
I picked up knitting a few years ago, and have the basics down. Now am branching out into lacework and goal is to knit a baby sweater in the next few months.
I like how it keeps my hands busy, I love shipping for yarns and patterns. There’s a lot of info out there, you can basically teach yourself using youtube, but if you find a local yarn shop the ladies and gents there are always super happy to help you improve your skills. There’s typically a big table to sit around, and there’s always something new to learn.
Paying $$$ for Fitness
Over the past year I’ve been taking pilates and barre classes regularly and its been amazing for my fitness but also mental health. I live in a college town (I’m in my last year of a masters program) so the prices are super cheap. However, I’m moving back to my expensive city next summer after I graduate and the prices for studios/gyms that offer the classes/schedule I want cost twice as much ($175+).
So, for those of you who belong to gyms/studios like this, do you find that its worth it? How often do you go in order to make it worth it? This is kind of pathetic but all the times I’ve tried to stay in shape doing at-home workouts it never stuck…
I absolutely love Pure Barre but I could not justify the cost. I do Pure Barre on demand. It’s still something I pay for (I think $30 a month?) so I feel like I have to do it fairly frequently to get my money’s worth. I like that it is still a class format and is more motivating to me than just doing random stuff on my own.
Before I bit the bullet and stopped, I had an unlimited monthly membership. I felt like I basically had to go every single day to justify the cost, and it started feeling like more of an obligation than anything.
Check out Groupon. They often have barre, Pilates, and yoga studios with specials.
I try to go often enough that if I did the math, each class is costing me $20 or less. I’ve just decided that’s the value that I think is worth it, but that forces me to go however many times per week/month!
new job who dis
this is my goal-price-point as well
OP I have the same problem as you. I am loathe to spending the money for expensive classes, but for the life of me, I just CANNOT get myself into a routine with at-home exercising. As such, I feel comfortable spending the money when I know the classes/training is 1) good for me 2) makes me feel great and 3) isn’t outside of my $20-30 limit per class
if you’re looking for support or permission – this internet stranger says Go for it!
Thanks for all your responses!! Its put a lot in perspective.
Right now going 3x a week ends up costing me $6 a class – so letting go of that will be rough but the gyms in my new zipcode will be about $13 a class 3x a week so thinking of it that way makes it not bad at all. And with my post-grad salary its definitely doable.
Also, I’ve noticed that working out consistently puts me in a better mood which ends up limiting the amount of retail therapy I take part in when I’m stressed. So its probably saving me money or at least coming out even haha
Investing in your health is always a good use of money. You wouldn’t stop buying vegetables just because they were more expensive in one city than another. Exercise is just as important.
Don’t feel bad that at home stuff doesn’t work for you. I don’t WFH and I don’t exercise at home. I need the separation. For me, home is about rest.
+1. Especially since you said it’s been amazing for your mental health, I wouldn’t skimp on exercise even if it gives you sticker shock. You’re effectively paying for a better quality of life, which influences ALL the other areas of your life, so it’s definitely not just about the exercise.
That’s what makes it worth it for me – that I keep going. I live in a HCOL city so prices are about the same for me. If I’m trying to save money, I’ll do an at-home program (like the PWR program I posted above – there is a gym in my building) plus ClassPass.
If I’m not worried about the cost and just need a motivator, I’ll buy an unlimited membership to whatever studio I’m currently obsessed with (usually a spin studio) and try to go 3-4 times a week at a minimum.
Your last sentence says it all: you have tried a shortcut on this (workouts at home) and it never works. Sounds like if you want to keep exercising, you do need to make this investment. It’s not “pathetic,” it’s the reason studios exist!
I get an unlimited monthly membership, and love the satisfaction seeing how low I can get my price per class. I.e., the more often I go, the better deal I am getting. That said, it makes sense to figure out what the price per class is for their individual rate, packages, and unlimited pass and then make sure you use the pass enough to make it cheaper than the next alternative.
A lot of studios offer free classes in exchange for doing reception duties. You could also look into that.
This is what I did. Once I was going to CorePower often enough that the 10 and 20 pack classes were not as economical, I did the unlimited membership. Some months I am getting myself a good deal, other months not so much. But the constant tracking of package and wondering if it’s worth it to go took up more brain space to than I realized, and now I always feel like I should go – which I should!
I mean I pay over $500/mo for personal training so… yeah. Worth it imo. It’s the best of both worlds – I have an appointment so I’m going to go, but I only pay for sessions I actually attend (unless I no-show, which I’ve never done). I don’t like gyms that make you pay a flat monthly fee to take a certain class. The price structure is usually set up so you’d have to attend 2-3 times a week every week on average. Like sure it’s my goal to get to the gym 3x/week but averaged out over the entire year no I don’t make it. I prefer to get a 10-class pass or whatever other option they offer.
The cost is worth it for your mental health and well being, provided you go on a regular basis. With that said, I signed for Pure Barre and could not justify the cost because I didn’t go often enough. So now I do Fitness Blender videos at home and love it. I never could work out from home before but the FB videos do it for me, and they’re free to boot.
This is going to sound like an ad for Daily Burn, but I promise it’s not! I went to a gym or studio classes all the time before I had a kid – I had fun and it was a nice routine to have. Post-kid, though, I didn’t have time, so I signed up for Daily Burn and just do that and run outside. Now that I have that, I’m wondering why I ever spent the time and money on an expensive gym membership or frequent studio classes. I’m getting the same results as before and because it’s so easy to just go to my basement and do the workout, I stick with it. All that said, while I feel slim and toned, I’m also not trying to be on the cover of Shape or something – YMMV depending on your goals.
For me, the high cost makes me go! My boutique HIIT gym comes to $160 per month in a MCOL city. My bare minimum is 3x a week, and I try to go 4x if possible. Like Anonymous above says – investing in your health is worth it. These classes push me harder than I would ever work out on my own, and for me – that is worth a higher price.
Before you resign yourself to spending huge amounts of money at a specialized studio, you should explore your whole gym options. The LA fitnesses of the world may not work, but I attend a “boutique” gym that has all of the normal gym things, but also offers an open space (think turf, TRX, crossfit type of space), and tons of studio level classes several times a week. It’s small and personal like a studio (literally people greet you by name when you walk in), but offers a good variety of classes, including spin, yoga, pilates, barre, cardio strength, bootcamp, crossfit and some specialized series. All in for $40 to $80 a month (depending on the package you choose, very transparent). There are all types of exercise spaces, you don’t have to resign yourself to spending $200 a mth to exercise.
This – I go to a boutique athletic club I love, and it wouldn’t likely be in the top 5-10 gyms to pop up on google in my city. The classes are more limited but include variety of spin, hiit, yoga, pilates and crossfit-esque. It’s a well-appointed facility with nice equipment. Classes are really specifically scheduled for when the target demographic can attend – before work, during lunch, and after work, plus Saturday and Sunday mornings. I pay $96/month, $76 after I get my $20 health insurance kick-back.
Fitness is something I’m happy to invest in within reason. I’m currently training for a marathon and paying a coach so I cross the finish line healthy. I also enjoy the community and camaraderie of fitness classes. My husband and I bought a Peloton which is unbelievably convenient and the classes are amazing, but I sort of miss sweating my tush off in a room full of 35 other people and chatting with the instructors afterwards.
My CrossFit membership is worth every penny. While I go almost every day, I have never been able to substitute the community of a CrossFit gym, so I pay to be a member of the community (and it’s a cool side thing that I am in the best shape of my life).
BigLaw Sr Assoc
I guess it depends on what you are looking for. Do you really want classes? Would you consider just using a regular gym? Regular gym + a handful of session with a trainer to get you a routine if you don’t already have one may be cheaper and more effective than classes.
I spend about $400/year on a gym membership at a local university (my firm reimburses all of that), and I get access to the gym and lap pool. I go to the gym 2 days a week, and to the pool 2 days a week, and run or bike outside the other days. I could pay per class (about $10-20) for a wide variety of things, but group exercise is definitely not my thing.
Negotiate! Studios often have independent owners. I do Pure Barre. I negotiated a lower price by offering to pay for a full year upfront versus 12 payments. I paid 85% of the list price. Even if you can’t do that, it’s worth asking if they can offer you a better deal. And yes to everyone reminding you that this is great for your overall well-being!
Love this pick! I have broad shoulders and big b00bs, so collarless blazers are the only ones that don’t make me look like a linebacker.
Same! I have a similar build (though I pray the boobs are temporary due to pregnancy/nursing) and this style is so much more flattering on me than a traditional blazer.
I have a small frame and am not well-endowed, and I also love collarless blazers because they don’t overwhelm my figure with a ton of fabric. Collarless blazers are one of the few styles that are flattering on a wide range of figures.
I am thinking seriously about getting this to try and just dealing with the inevitable costs to shorten sleeves. Any thoughts on quality from this place? Anyone tried their free returns?
Mango is very similar to Zara. A lot of stuff is cheap and cheerful, with the occasional decent item.
I just embrace that I look like I could rip apart a phonebook with my bare hands and make sure my waist is nipped in to balance it.
I’ve been keeping more money in my emergency fund as I went through a period of uncertainty but I’m through that (very thankfully!) and would like to move about $70k from my savings account to something that will actually grow. I feel sick about missing the growth in the market over the last year, but I needed to make sure this money was available if I needed it. Now that I’m ready to put it into something, I’m not sure where to put it. I’ve maxed out my retirement accounts for this year. I hesitate putting it all into the stock market at the same time, especially since it seems like a market correction must be coming soon (right)? Anyone have suggestions? I invest all my money myself into various ETFs so I don’t have a financial advisor I can consult. Thanks for any advice on what to do or who I should be talking to!
No, don’t try and time the market. Think about when you want this money/ next two years? Go conservative. Retirement? Risky.
Wealthfront? They also put it in ETFs, but are otherwise lazy-friendly
Don’t put it all into the market at the same time. If you have a brokerage account with Vanguard, for example, spend the $3000 to buy shares in either the S&P 500 index or the total stock market index, then set up an automatic monthly contribution in whatever amount you’re comfortable with until the $70,000 is spent. This is called dollar-cost-averaging, and it allows you to get into the market without worrying about timing the market as such.
If you google around there are lots of articles about how dollar cost averaging doesn’t work. (I’ve also had 2 financial advisors tell me this.) It’s just another form of trying to time the market. If you’re not going to touch the money for a while, I would just put all of it into Index Funds. Yes, it might go down in the short term, but you should still come out better in the long term.
Aw man, now I’m going to have to rethink my whole approach to investing! (Or maybe not, I’m pretty lazy, haha). :/
To each their own, but using this approach, it would take OP almost 2 years to move her money out her savings account. That’s a long time in my book! Personally, I would just move all $70K to Vanguard at once and remember that you’re investing for the long run.
Need to update our pillows because they are past their prime. Favorite brand/place to get them?
Following. Especially looking for recs for down alternative pillows!
I recently bought the Utopia Bedding Gusseted Quilted Pillow from Amazon. I love them.
Favorite place to buy is Costco. I’ve consistently been happy with my down pillows from there. I also am surprisingly happy with the Threshold pillows from Target.
+1 – I just get the $10-12 ones from Target. I’ve gotten the fancier $50 ones from Macys and the Target ones lasted just as long (or longer).
I seriously love my Xtreme comfort shredded memory foam pillow. It’s the top pick by WireCutter. I was having neck issues that wouldn’t resolve (I slept weird on the couch and then couldn’t turn my head without pain for weeks) and the pillow completely took care of it. It’s very supportive and comfortable and you can take out some of the filling if it’s too high. I bought pillows for my family last Christmas and they are all happy too.
In that vein, how often do you replace your bedroom pillows? I have the same down pillows my mom bought me when I was 10 (I’m 38).
Yikes. I would definitely replace @ this point.
Yikes, they’re probably half skin flakes and dust mites by now. Well past time to replace!
We just replaced ours with Tuft & Needle and love them.
Searching this Site 101
Remind me how to search this site. You put something into google and then it searches accurately? I always forget the trick!
site:corporette.com [search term]
(Search Terms) :thewebsite.com
hmmm thats not searching the comments like the trick someone gave me before.
Write “search term+site:corporette.com” in google.
I occasionally get red scaly patches on my nose where my glasses rest. Normally I dab them with alcohol before bed and it clears up within a day. I just got a new pair of glasses, and the patches are worse than normal and won’t go away. Has anyone had this, and if so, how do you get rid of it?
Are you allergic to the plastic the nose pads are made of? That could be it. Or some kind of dermatitis that appears due to friction and sweat. You might want to consult a dermatologist before putting random solutions next to your eyes.
This sounds like you might be allergic or very sensitive to something in your glasses? If you have a pretty good, experience optician, they may have ideas for replacement nosepads. Or maybe see a derm? But on the more immediate side, I always like Aquaphor for random unknown dry skin issues. It’s more protective than alcohol.
Alcohol will just irritate your skin; use hydrocortisone.
If the glasses have nose pads, try having them replaced with silicone.
If these things don’t work, go to the dermatologist. Red and scaly may mean sebborheic dermatitis, which can show up alone or with other things (incl rosacea). It could be that the pads of the glasses are irritating or blocking an existing issue in that area.
This. I have SD and get it there (and in my eyebrows and creases of my nose) and don’t usually wear glasses.
I know we’ve discussed this before but I figure there’s no harm in a refresher – what tips would you give a first year just starting in biglaw? I don’t have a formal mentee this year but I’d like to give some advice to the folks I’ll be working closely with. Here’s my list so far:
– If you have pets, make sure you have backup pet care in case you get stuck in the office late or called out of town at the last minute.
– Get a credit card with a high limit, preferably also with miles, for work travel.
– Don’t say no to an assignment. If there is a direct conflict, then ask the partners to work it out between themselves. If you don’t have enough time, ask for help in prioritizing deadlines. At worst, say something like, I can start this next Thursday.
– If you don’t have enough work ask for more work.
– If you want a particular type of work ask for it. Offer to help with non-billable work in that area, too.
– If someone invites you to a networking event, go to it. If no one invites you to networking events, ask about them. If you really like working for a particular partner, find out what groups they’re in and join.
This is a great list. One thing I did is that I went to every office on my floor and introduced myself. Lots of people commented positively on it, such that I think that most people don’t think to do that. Also, triple check all work product before submitting it to the partner/senior associate. Your reputation builds quickly and you want to start off on the right foot. Finally, take the time to attend events, lunches, and socialize with your peers. You’ll be spending a lot of time with them, might as well get to know them.
Mine is a different spin: get into a practice area with off ramps to in-house practice (ie., stay out of litigation); try to get a secundment and/or good contact with in-house lawyers on your cases; network with your peers (and help them, don’t be a jerk, know these people will be in your orbit the rest of your career so don’t gunner over them); talk to recruiters and develop relationships with them (you never know who will have your next opportunity); do good work but see the job for what it is – your first one, a place to learn and launch, likely not your last stop.
I like these tips. I’d second the advice not to be a jerk, and note that it applies not just to your peers but to associates who are senior to you.
I disagree with the advice to stay out of litigation. Assuming (as this poster does) that the goal is to go in-house, many places see value in people with litigation skills.
Agree. I was in litigation and went in-house, no problem.
Never too many shoes...
Why is everyone here so down on litigation as a career?
As a litigator… because it can really suck sometimes. Some people love it… I am good at it but definitely don’t want to do this forever
I don’t necessarily agree that one should avoid litigation – it sort of depends on what you think you want to do in the future — but I liked that the original response was taking more of the long view.
To answer your question, I’m a litigator and I don’t think I want to be practicing litigation ten years from now. I just find the constant conflict and strategizing about how to beat the other side tiresome. To each their own.
Never too many shoes...
I am one of those ones that love it – I love the fight, the game, the clash and the adrenaline high. Anything else would seem just so boring to me.
I guess I just want to make the pitch to the young lawyers that come here that litigation is a viable career and that not everyone gets burned out or wants to go in house.
+1 I love litigation. Of course I would prefer more predictability in my work life for family reasons, but before kids came onto the scene I was 100% okay with even that aspect of it.
Here’s the thing, I liked litigation too, but I also knew I might want to not work at a law firm for my whole career. In-house there are positions for litigators to be sure, but there’s a lot more for people with a corporate background by a substantial ratio. If you want to hedge your bets, pick a practice area that has more people doing that work in-house. Most litigation positions in-house are still a much smaller component of the overall. There’s also less upward mobility to positions like GC out of litigation roles. Obviously there are exceptions, but at the start of someone’s career, I’d tell them to pick a corporate path.
Honestly, I don’t think telling a first year “never say no” is a good idea. That’s how you get burn out and not enough bandwidth to do any project separately. A biglaw first year is often a type A personality that wants to do it all and rarely asks for help, you need to be more nuanced and detailed. I always tell first years don’t give a direct “no”, especially just because you don’t want to do the project. Instead, practice giving soft no’s by explaining what you currently have on your plate, how long you think it may take, and who you are working for. The project assignor can then decide for themselves whether they think you can juggle it with current workload or will approach the project assignor. You look busy and desired work-wise, and effectively shove the assignment back to them while looking agreeable.
The above reminds me – Biglaw is first about work quality and second about appearances. Make your hours and the rest is illusion of looking wanted, looking smart, looking busy, looking self-assured. It’s dumb, but people care (much more than normal in my opinion), about what others think in the biglaw setting, so to consider that in work-related decisions.
add: Be nice to support staff, at the firm and the courts.
This. Your secretary who has worked for the partner for 20 years will be protected by him. You won’t win any battles and being nasty won’t look good on you. Moreover, he/she can be your best friend and greatest resource or the biggest thorn in your side.
Invest an hour in putting your family and close friends’ birthdays in your calendar with a week-before reminder so you have lead time.
This is my single best one: find a delivery dry cleaners. Most major cities have services that will pick up and drop off at your door. In my mid-sized city, a lot of small businesses were happy to send someone at no additional charge because I was such reliable/regular business.
Start planning your strategies for eating healthy while you’re still building up a workload. Stock your freezer with things that require no effort to prepare other than “stick in oven, eat.”
Look for opportunities to join a nonprofit board as a “junior” to someone you like in the firm. If someone’s been serving for a long time, they may be ready to work towards a “pass” of the firm’s presence on the board to someone else.
Keep in mind that no one but you will make sure you’re getting the minimum amount of sleep, healthcare, food, etc. so that you do not make dumb mistakes. If you’re being worked so hard that you’re making the kind of errors that are due to being strung out and overworked, that will not be accepted as a good reason if you make a big mistake. You must be the guard of your basic competency. No one will do it for you. In my experience, men are more likely to do it for themselves automatically, women are more likely to not and suffer re their “attention to detail” as a result.
This is fantastic advice for any career, especially the last paragraph. Saving this to my notebook. Thank you!
-Underpromise and overdeliver
-If you cannot make a deadline, provide notice WELL in advance of missing it
-Ask for help or more resources if you’re overwhelmed
-Batch your questions–don’t ping your supervisor over and over
-Appearances matter in biglaw–keep your office reasonably busy-looking but not disorganized. Have some go-to outfits for days that you don’t have time to think about your appearance, so you look polished even when you’re a zombie. It’s bound to come to that sometimes.
-Carefully watch what is valued in your particular practice and office–sometimes the most lauded associates are not the hardest workers. Take note and adjust accordingly.
-Save ALL your passwords and logins in your contacts (or versions of them only you can understand).
-Get really good at research, even transactional attorneys need to know this stuff.
-Carefully emulate tone and length of emails. When in doubt ghostwrite a draft for someone more senior to you to send
-If you think something is sensitive, pick up the phone–don’t memorialize it in emails.
-If you are planning a holiday, think about who might cover your practice for you well in advance and pay it forward when that person needs cover. You need a buddy.
-Find an “unofficial sounding board” mentor. You’ll need that person.
-Your job is to make things easy for those above you. Be easy to work with. Don’t be the roadblock.
I think I have a stone bruise. It hurts like heck. Anybody have suggestions? I can’t get in with my podiatrist for a couple of weeks.
Epsom Salt soak
Bay Area/Peninsula folks, we are likely moving to Burlingame mid-year (January) for work. Kid is in kindergarten. Not knowing anything about the area or the schools, any recommendations on where to live? We will rent for the first year. Also, anyone have intel on specific elementary schools, or how it works when a child joins mid-year?
Not specific schools, but Burlingame schools have a good reputation generally, and it’s viewed as a family-friendly neighborhood. Redwood Shores/Belmont also has very good schools, and is pretty close by.
I have an interview later today for a job I’m not sure I want. It sounded interesting when I applied, but I definitely didn’t think I would get an interview. But since I’ve told a few people about it, I have heard some pretty terrible things about the organization, including that the CEO was fired from his last job for embezzling money. What should I do?
Interviews are not just them vetting you, it’s also and most importantly your opportunity to interview them and vet their culture, etc. Go to the interview, ask questions about what concerns you (in a professional way), and see what happens. For 99% of the jobs out there, interviewing doesn’t obligate you to accept.
1) See the interview as practice, so you’ll be better prepared when you interview for a job you want. The fact that you’re not sure you want it gives you a ton of leverage. Ask probing questions to understand the day to day work, and ask about things that would make it bearable. (“Do others on the team work remotely? Is that an option?” or “Where do others go from this role, and on what kind of timeline? I want to understand movement and exposure on the team, and whether this prepares employees to move upward in their careers.”)
2) Ask about the concerns you’ve heard when they say “what kind of questions do you have for me?” Things like “I asked my network about the company, and one of the consistent themes was burn out. Do you see that as an issue on your team or the people you work with? How do you try to combat or prevent that?” and “As I was researching senior leadership, I came across some rumor sites that suggested the CEO doesn’t truly support [their code of ethics, find the name on the website]. What’s been your experience, have you worked with her directly? How do you see the senior leadership and their impact on company culture – positive or neutral?”
Anyone stressed about their child being born with autism? I am considering waiting until my first born is 2 years old to make sure they are out of the autism diagnosis window before getting pregnant with a second because there is a such a high genetic likelihood that if you have one child with autism you will have another and I don’t think I could handle two children with autism, so I would probably adopt. My friends think I am crazy extreme.
Do you have any particular reason to be concerned about having a higher risk of autism than average? If so, then maybe this plan could work for you. If not, then gently, it seems like you are overly anxious about this. There are many things that can happen in life and most of them are out of our control.
That is pretty extreme. How much higher is the likelihood of having a second child with autism really? I ask because anecdotally I know a lot of people with kids with autism and they all have other children who are not on the spectrum.
There is a pretty high risk if you have one child with autism that another one will be born with it.
That’s crazy extreme. I also know several kids who were diagnosed between the ages of 6 and 10 so I think 2 is waaay to soon to declare your child doesn’t have autism.
Unless you are at higher risk for giving birth to a child with autism, you need to let this go. So much of parenting is realizing you don’t have control over the outcome. Best to start learning that now…
What puts someone at a higher risk? I am not the OP and am asking genuinely.
There are a zillion correlations but nothing proven, in part because different genes are at play. I recently learned (in Neurotribes) that having an engineer for a father or grandfather puts you at risk.
Alanna of Trebond
All Indians then.
I was. When I found out I was having a boy, I did worry and research the likelihood of ASD. We don’t have a diagnosis yet but my son has become more and more challenging in the past year and in fact does exhibit a number of behaviors that are indicative of ASD. I got pregnant again when he was about 20 months old, before the concerning behaviors were really evident.
It probably is extreme, and I’m sorry to possibly validate your anxiety with anecdata, but honestly I wish I would have waited until my son was at least 2 before deciding to get pregnant again. Not because I am afraid the baby will have the same issues, but because I was not prepared for how challenging my older son would be and I feel like I have limited energy for his needs – and I don’t even know the full extent of what we are dealing with yet. It’s been a rough year.
Again, I will stress that this is just one internet stranger’s experience and it should count for basically nothing! I post only to say that you aren’t alone in your worries.
not OP, but I know a few women in the same boat (pregnant and have a toddler who is showing developmental delays for a variety of known and unknown reasons), and it’s really making me think of waiting until my babe is at least 2 before TTC again. Being pregnant is exhausting and stressful enough as it is. I don’t think you’re crazy OP.
First, 2 years is a perfectly normal spacing for children, so do it for your own parental sanity, even if you have two perfectly neurotypical kids. But also, it might be extreme to some, but I understand. She’s not saying autism is terrible. I think you’re really saying, you don’t have the bandwidth for another child if one is disabled, let alone two disabled children. Especially with autism, you don’t know the extent of it until a kid is past the stage where they should be verbal. Having a high functioning autistic kid is much different than one with severe emotional dysfunction/outbursts, nonverbal, with possible mental retardation (I know they are separate diagnosis but can also occur together).
I plan on spacing my kids out simply because I don’t want two toddlers at once. Do what feels best for your family, but don’t make that decision based on fear but rather what you think you can actually handle.
Two years was our target and my boys ended up being three years apart. I only had one child in diapers at the time and my oldest could entertain himself independently – but still took a long afternoon nap.
However, my oldest was speech delayed at 2 years old due to an ear condition. He could not hear out of one ear and speaking caused him pain…so he just decided against it. He was headstrong and acted out – often in public – which began a circle of screaming. (Screaming because he was not heard, then screaming due to the pain in his ears and back again.)
Prior to his surgery, I accepted the fact that he might be on the spectrum, but that did not stop me from getting pregnant with my youngest. Frankly, I did not care. Autism is not a death sentence. I have two neurotypical children but the signs of “acting out” at two years old could be indicative of something else….or it could just be indicative of two year olds.
I worry about autism as well as serious mental and physical disabilities. Maybe it’s something that people who don’t have anxiety can’t understand, but I can’t imagine not thinking about the risks, however likely or unlikely, associated with having kids.
My kid was diagnosed with ASD when he was almost 3. Lots were in our local ASD FB group. Some later.
Why is autism the worst thing in the world?
No one ever said it was. No one even cane close to implying that.
You’re crazy extreme and should get help for your anxiety.
Wow, it’s so respectful and helpful to call OP “crazy” extreme. What a great contribution!
Your healthy non autistic child could get hit by a bus and suffer a life changing traumatic brain injury.
Right? There are SO many things that can happen in life that seems worse than autism, imo. I’m sure Kavanaugh’s mother cradled her baby boy and never imagined he would grow up to be a rapist. Why borrow trouble?
To be fair, I’m pretty sure his mom still believes her son is being wrongly accused. I agree with the general point though.
Agree with this. A friend is currently losing her toddler to terminal cancer. Another friend had a child who was severely mentally handicapped and will require lifelong care. Unless she puts her child in a home (which she doens’t want to do) she’ll never have a carefree “empty nester” retirement because she will have to care for her child for the rest of her life. Parenthood is always a gamble in a sense, and autism is just one of many things that can go wrong or at least not as planned.
I hear you, but children aren’t always able to be diagnosed that early.
My son was diagnosed with another spectrum-type disorder at age 8. The signs were there earlier, but not enough to get definitively diagnosed during toddlerhood or even preschool. While I’m absolutely thrilled that we had a second child anyway (who is completely neurotypical), I’m sure I would’ve thought twice had I known how difficult our parenting journey would be with kid #1.
This isn’t to bolster your argument for waiting to have another kid until your current kid’s status is known. It’s to (gently) remind you that all of this is a bit of a crapshoot and you don’t know *who* your kid is going to be, or what they might deal with.
The longer I’m parent, the more I realize almost every family is dealing with something that’s challenging. Your kid may not have autism, but he could have autism. Or academic troubles. Or, or, or. The point is, you just don’t know. None of us are guaranteed to have an easy time of parenting; none of us can control every risk factor.
Never too many shoes...
So much this. I have a child on the spectrum, and not at the “quirky” end. I had every genetic test available because I felt incapable of raising a child with special needs….and I have a child with special needs. Who was diagnosed at 3.
Parenting is very much a box of chocolates in this regard.
Your gentle reminder and last paragraph made me tear up. It’s good to have that perspective and makes me feel less alone with our challenges. Thank you.
Oh girl, I’m glad I helped. I’m talking as much to myself as anyone else. I spent a good chunk of yesterday evening bawling because of the consequences of my son’s disorder. Acceptance is tough, sometimes. I love him to pieces and want the best for him, but this stuff is just plain HARD. It can be a lonely journey, especially when you feel like nobody else is dealing with stuff. Until you really talk to people, and then you learn that many are dealing with hard stuff.
You are not alone!
Life is hard friends are awesome good luck
This. My husband and I neither had a full-time permanent secure job with health insurance. We did have something to celebrate though (kid’s extra-curricular activity at good not great public school went to State Championship!) so we went to local cheap pizza parlor. There I saw a wonderful young girl (about my son’s age) helping her clearly severely-disabled (intellectually and physically) little brother. I wondered if I would want that Mom’s life or if she’d want mine. I don’t think we’d trade.
I feel your anxiety, and I get it. As others have said, parenthood is a box of chocolates. You may not know how you really feel about if/when to have a second child until you’re there. As an anecdote, a friend’s second daughter was born with Down’s syndrome. They weren’t aware she had it unti she was born. Their instinct was to have another relatively quickly, to “bookend” her and in the hopes she will have two close siblings as a means of guidance/support for childhood and life. All three kids and both parents are, by all accounts, happy and thriving. I think that’s a perfectly valid choice, but I’m not sure they would have predicted they’d feel that way before it happened.
By contrast, my two year old shows no signs of autism, or other health concerns, but I’m just not ready for pregnancy/birth/ newborn again. So we’ll be waiting longer than we thought.
Anyone else think it’s very weird that they’ve chosen to call this light pink blazer’s color “nude”? No one’s skin is pastel pink (and I probably have skin that comes closest), but beyond that, I thought we were past calling white people’s skin tone “nude” and brown people’s skin tone “brown.” Ugh.
Worry about yourself
I hate it too, “blush” is a much better word!
C’mon, it’s just a color name… Let’s not get so granularly offended. And Mango is well-known for modeling on WOC, so let their actions speak louder than their poor naming choices.
Speaking of secondments, does anyone know how pay is structured? Is the seconded attorney paid by their law firm or by the company they are at for the time period? Is it a mix of both?
When I did one, I was paid my regular salary by my firm and the company paid the firm whatever was agreed to as the rate for my service there. I would advise that anyone doing one should negotiate within the firm how it will be treated in terms of bonus eligibility.
Seconded attorney is paid by the law firm. The company pays the law firm for the seconded attorney’s time based on whatever is agreed upon. If the attorney is paid by the company, she is an employee of the company and not seconded.
Yep, you remain an employee of the firm and are paid your normal salary. However much the client is paying the firm for your time is a negotiation between the client and firm.
You’ll want to find out how to bill your time for purposes of making your hours / bonus.
This can vary due to state bar rules. I am currently seconded to CA, and while my firm has guaranteed I can come back, to register as in-house counsel, I had to be fired by my firm and hired by the company, because state bar rules preclude you from being RIHC and employed by a law firm at the same time. Good times. Being fired for not really doing anything and negotiating against my firm was not stressful at all!
I did structure that my bonus would be paid by my firm based on my hours annualized as if I were at the firm for the whole year, and I also asked for a one week ramp when I got back. My company gives stock options to 100% of full time hires except for me. Company is paying for my housing. Firm is grossing me up on the taxes re housing, but not grossing up the gross-up (it gets absurd). I got a moving allowance, tickets home at the holidays allowance, etc.
Leaving the firm pre-secondment was harrowing. I am in corporate and had one million things going on, and no one would deal with handovers at all. I finally put my foot down four days out and said I was absolutely not accepting new assignments. I was exhausted when I started at new firm.
I’m listening to Dr. Ford right now. How anyone could listen to the pain in her voice and not believe her is beyond my comprehension. But I felt that way about Anita hill too.
Also watching. No one should ever have to do what she is doing.
I agree that no one should have to do this. Few people would uphold their “civic duty” as she calls it by putting themselves and their families’ lives at risk. She has courage.
I had something similar happen to me as what she alleges.
This does not ring true to me. The pain in her voice sounds overwrought and staged.
I disagree. I’m sorry for your experience, but it doesn’t give you any expertise to assess the veracity of her story. Every victim is different.
I have been sexually assaulted, and I am sure my voice would sound just as hers does if asked to testify in front of the judiciary committee and the American public.
Did you have to testify about it on tv, in front of millions, not to mention the (male) senators who already told the media they don’t believe you?
I know this is the same troll from the last few days but yikes, imagine having this little empathy.
Disagree. I find her very credible. Until you’ve testified on a national stage as she is doing now, who are you to call the sound of her voice overwrought and staged? I cannot imagine the nerves and fear she must feel doing this, and I hope I never have to. She’s so brave.
Does your position on believing her align with your politics? Have you asked yourself whether you’d feel differently if this were a democratic nominee?
I’ve asked myself that and I’m quite sure I’d feel the same either way.
I know you think this is some sort of mic drop response, but this says so much more about you than it does about anyone else responding.
I intended it as an earnest and hopefully though provoking question.
I thank God that none of the a**holes that sexually assaulted me in high school or college are likely to ever be in a position of being appointed to anything like a Supreme Court post, because there’s no way I could do what she’s doing right now.
I thank god that the a-hole who did to me in college what Kavanaugh did to Dr. Ford in high school is very likely squirming in his boots right now.
Unfortunately, he’s probably not squirming in his boots. He, like Kavanagh and so many other men, likely rationalized the interaction between you two as normal and consensual.
Yesterday I decided that if my particular a-hole was up for the Supreme Court, I would keep my mouth shut. And I have him in writing apologizing. I just couldn’t go through it.
Never too many shoes...
The worst part is that she is going through all of this for naught. They are still going to put this assclown on the bench.
You may be right, but it is important that she testifies. The people of this country need to see this. It’s important to remember that rich powerful white men can get away with nearly anything and that the powerful republican establishment will always err against women’s equality, veracity and bodily autonomy.
Grassley needs to f*ck off. That’s all.
A BILLION TIMES THIS
The entire proceeding is just devastating to watch.
The republican senators should be shamed for being so crass as to need a hired gun to ask their questions for them.
What’s the beauty product that you always go back to?
I always get excited to try new products, but invariably I end up disappointed and go back to my favorites and wonder why I ever left :) For me, it’s Lancome Genefique serum + Visionnaire Nuit moisturizer. Just ordered them again after trying new-to-me products that made me splotchy and pimply, and my skin looks better than it has in weeks. So what are your products?
Good Genes by Sunday Riley
Lily Lolo mineral concealer – it’s the only product I have used consistently for years.
Clinique foundation and plain old Oil of Olay. Neither make my oily skin break out. Also, I love dial bar soap for post-running showers.
Kat von D eyeliner, Bobbi brown color corrector for undereyes.
Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. Cetaphil.
The entire Drunk Elephant line. I’m meh on the gel cleanser (love the pekee bar, tho!) but don’t see buying another skincare brand for the foreseeable future. Pricey but works ridiculously well.
Stila liquid eyeliner
Hello! I asked a few weeks ago about industrial strength spanx- I was recently in a wedding where the MOH picked dresses only available up to size 10,the bride/MOH refused to change their minds about the dress, and accepted a few ‘resignations’ from bridesmaids who would rather not be in the wedding and try to squeeze into a dress that doesnt fit. The bride ended up with 12 bridesmaids, all wearing the same dress.I’m usually a 10-12, and with no bra, a normal pair of spanx, and a week without refined carbs, the dress was fine. One woman had material from the skirt taken out and added to the rib cage area, to make it fit. The bride and groom were happy with the instagram picture-perfect day, and most of the rest of us don’t have to be a major part of their lives anymore.
The notably best/worst part: during the MOH’s speech, she referenced [bride]’s friends, thick and thin, who’ve stood by her through everything. It was masterfully subtle enough that my husband didnt hear it (he wasnt really listening) and most people probably didnt think anything of it, but if you knew the backstory, obviously a stab at the rest of the bridesmaids.
WOW. Jfc that’s horrible. I would rethink my friendship with those girls.
That’s…a lot of bridesmaids.
Worry about yourself
Seriously, she had a few of them resign too! I wonder if she started out with more than 12 or if she replaced the ones who noped out.
I mean, my mom had 6 sisters and 6 future SILs and didn’t have 12 bridesmaid (2-3, I think). They also made their own dresses. So, you know, they fit.
I don’t understand why you didn’t drop out. You just rewarded her bad behavior.
If I remember the OP’s original post correctly, this was a non-optoutable family-related issue. As someone with family peacekeeping responsibilities, I get it, and just want to tell the OP – congrats on making it through!!
Wow. Why on earth would you stay in that wedding? A bride picking a dress over her larger than size 10 friends would have been my bye felicia moment.
These people sound terrible. I hope you’re running far away from this crowd.
This is so so crazy.
I think I’m turning into my most hated ex. My ex was extremely cheap. If we went out to dinner he would always order the least expensive thing on the menu. I would just order what I want… which inevitably led to a big fight, even if it was within $5 of his meal. I swore I’d never treat anyone like that.
I’ve been dating a guy for a while. I make substantially more than he does. I’ve seen a kind of concerning pattern about his spending. He will literally ask, who’s paying, before deciding what he will get at the grocery/liquor store. (I refuse to answer – “Does it matter? Get what you normally get.”). Look if he really wanted to drink $100 wine every night then sure I would split that expense with him. But don’t buy $10 bottles when you’re paying and $100 bottles when I’m paying. The other night, we went out to dinner to celebrate something for him – so he knew I was paying. He very nearly ordered an entree that was double the price of every other entree. I’m a big proponent of, don’t take someone to a restaurant you can’t afford, but this entree was a special so it wasn’t on the menu. I was just exasperated. I told him if he orders that then we’re splitting it. And then I thought omg I’m my stingy ex. I’m curious what you all think – where’s the line between being stingy and just not wanting to get taken advantage of?
Start splitting things 50/50.
Your spider senses are telling you that this man is taking advantage of you. I don’t disagree, particularly when you say he makes a point of asking you who’s paying before making his choices.
I’d go with your gut and dump him. No comparison to your ex is required.
+1 to the first paragraph. Trust your gut and how this guy is making you feel. That is relevant in and of itself.
These are two different things. Your ex was cheap because he didn’t want to overspend and judged you for getting something similar to what he had, even though if was only a little more. Your current boyfriend is taking advantage of you because he’s changing his choices based on who is spending. Honestly, dump both, if you stay with him, he’ll take advantage of you the rest of your relationship. I always say, you don’t need a partner at the same salary range. You need a partner that shares your ethics, morals, and general approach to life. Your current guy is acting morally and ethically wrong by taking advantage of you, and obviously doesn’t approach spending in the same way. IMHE, I definitely wouldn’t be with a guy that spends based on only on what he has or whose paying, that’s how you go broke.
Uh, dump him. Now. Do you really want a serious relationship with someone who wants you to shell out for the nice stuff? Ew.
Pen and Pencil
I was your ex in a relationship, mostly because the guy I was dating made significantly more than I did and didn’t want to live the lifestyle I could afford. He constantly paid, but even when I paid I would get super annoyed at tiny things like when he ordered coke or soda instead of water because those weren’t luxuries I could afford and he didn’t want to understand that.
With my current SO, I want to give him the world, and I think the difference is that he doesn’t expect it! He knows I am on a budget, so when I pay for a date, he is conscious of it. He makes less money than I do and I live much more comfortably now, so that probably helps to some extent, but I think more importantly is that we have the same values around money. I took us to a romantic dinner on vacation. He was worried about the cost, and I had to essentially force him to get the steak (which I knew he wanted deep down). I think that we are really good about taking cues from each other, and if one of us wants to really treat the other with wine or an appetizer, we tell each other we want to treat them!
I think the issue with your guy is that he is /expecting/ you to pay for these luxuries. If we go to a restaurant and order steak, I am more than happy to eat it, but I wouldn’t presume that my partner would feel comfortable paying for it unless he suggested it first. IMHO there is a huge difference between a $5/meal difference (unreasonable) and being annoyed at a $90/ bottle difference (reasonable). He seems like he is just taking advantage of your generosity. I understand what you mean by not taking people to restaurants you can’t afford, but also I think that comes with the understanding that rational people don’t choose the most expensive item on the menu all of the time, which it sounds like your guy is probably the type to be. I don’t want to be with someone that can’t enjoy a dinner out unless they are having the steak and lobster, because that doesn’t line up with my financial values.
I make way less than my current bf and if anything, it made me hyper-aware of money in the opposite direction from what your guy seems to be doing. Especially when we first started dating, I was super conscious not to suggest really spendy restaurants, to follow his lead on the $100 or $10 bottle of wine, and to always make sure I could pay my half of anything we did (I always offered, he never accepted). Now, we’re comfortable enough that we understand each other’s finances and spending priorities. I eat at nicer restaurants and go to more expensive events with him than I could afford on my own, but we’re both comfortable with it. At first though, I was so nervous about looking like I was trying to take advantage of him that it was almost laughable- I was so worried about getting the $30 salmon instead of the $20 chicken even though he was getting the $50 steak and had already refused my offer to pay!
From my experience, current guy is definitely taking advantage. My example is extreme in the opposite direction, but in my opinion it’s better to err on the side of being more cautious about not taking advantage of your partner. Assuming you can buy the whole world as long as they’re paying is inconsiderate, disrespectful, and doesn’t bode well for a continued relationship.
I like to approach paying for things in a relationship in a socialist way. Whomever has more money should presumably spend more of it on joint meals (assuming you would buy those things for yourself – if you wouldn’t order a $100 entree ever by yourself, there’s no reason to buy it for him). Most problems with money come from not communicating enough about it. Have you talked to him about this? Did you say “that dish sounds great but I’m so sorry, it’s a little more than I had budgeted for this meal.” (Unless it was a normally $40/plate restaurant and that special was a $100 meal – then yeah, that was rude.)
CAVEAT: He should be offering to/trying to pay or provide from within his means. If not then yeah, he’s taking advantage and you should say boi bye. e.g. I have always made less than my SO. When we started dating, I had anxiety about all the fancy restaurants he would pick that I couldn’t afford, and he would assume that I would pay half or we would trade off. We fought about it. We agreed that he would pay for dinners, and I would pay for brunches and coffees. I was always a stickler about picking up the tab at brunch and getting coffee, because it was my contribution, even though my brunch tab would be $50 and his dinner tab would be $150.
Your parenthetical is almost exactly on point – it’s normally a $40/plate restaurant – highest entree on their normal menu is like $50 – and the special he wanted to order was almost $100. That’s why I said uh no if you get that we’re splitting it, because that’s literally what I was expecting to pay for BOTH our meals.
Suggestions for how to bring this up?
I think in the moment it’s a casual joking comment, like “Hey, this is a celebratory dinner, not prepayment for what we’re going to do in bed later tonight!” Wink wink, laugh.
Later on, it’s a more serious, “Hey, there’s something that’s been bugging me, and it’s really awkward to bring up, but I need to clear it up – do you realize that when I’m paying for dinner or groceries, you tend to go for the most expensive option on the menu? It feels icky. I know I make more money than you do, and I’m lucky that I can afford more expensive dinners sometimes, and I’m happy to pay when we go to dinners that are out of your budget, but my budget isn’t limitless, either. I don’t want money to become a thing we fight about. I’d like us to [take turns picking and paying/stick to cheaper meals that we can both afford/make a budget together – only if you’re at that point in the relationship].”
Uh … why would you make a “casual joking comment” about your date being a prostitute?
You cannot work out long term with someone who has radically different values about money. Values and earning power are very different.
You are not cheap. You are being taken advantage of and do not appreciate it. I promise.
Im sorry, it sounds like he’s a cocklodger and taking advantage of you. You’re not being stingy, you’re being reasonable!
Is anyone watching the Kavanaugh hearings? Watching Ford’s testimony is so heartbreaking. I can’t believe this is where we are.
Also, conservative posters, help me understand. Even if you wanted to act totally selfishly (with no regard whatsoever for the women Kavanaugh assaulted), isn’t it better for you to support replacing him? Are there really no other conservative white men worthy of nomination? Can’t you get Kavanaugh’s exact same policies and positions without a side of sexual assault? I really don’t get why there isn’t a national movement to replace Kavanaugh so you get your conservative judge and better optics at the same time.
Not a conservative but I think it has something to do with the trump-bully-don’t-back-down attitude couple with kav’s own affluenza/ entitlement.
I second the request for an explanation re why there hasn’t been a movement to replace him as the nominee.
It’s unlikely, but the Senate could change hands in November (really, January)? If they stop the Kavanaugh train now, there won’t be time to get a new nominee confirmed. Then Trump would have to nominate someone more moderate, and even then the Senate could block the nominee, particularly while Trump was under investigation. They also could block any nominee that takes the position that the President can’t obstruct justice from within his own Justice Department (vs congressional investigation). But actually, the chances of the Senate flipping to Democrats are virtually zero.
Im confused as to why they couldn’t get a new nominee through, even in a lame duck session. Jab was pretty much a shoe-in before this right?
Also I thought dems taking the senate was looking closer to 1:3 (per FiveThirtyEight). But I’m wondering if an open scotus seat helps or hurts republicans if no one is confirmed.
In House in Houston
I’m watching, but started late b/c I had a meeting to attend (darn work getting in the way, lol!). Has Kavanaugh testified yet? TIA!
No, not yet.
Not conservative, but judging by my FB feed, it’s because they think this is a smear campaign funded by the Democrats. So why try for a different SCOTUS pick, because the Dems will just find some other woman to lie about things that can’t be proven from 30 years ago. Also, a little bit of “boys will be boys” it seems like.
Except that falls apart when you realize that that didn’t happen to Gorsuch, Roberts, Scalia, or any of the other good ol’ boys. If this were all a Democratic smear campaign, why wouldn’t they employ the lies-frmo-the-past strategy with any of the other reliably conservative male judges they opposed?
Not conservative, but I think their argument would be this seat matters more to the liberal branch because it’s Kennedy’s seat. The others were just replacing reliably conservative justices, but Kennedy’s the swing vote.
Except I, as a liberal, thought that was garland’s seat, which was stolen in an anti-democratic power grab. If anything I was more angry at that one.
The only explanation I can see is that this is identity politics. Significant parts of the GOP base are really committed to the idea that sexual assault is the prerogative of (white) men. And they want the party to stick up for that belief, rather than look like they are surrendering to the irrational demands of the feminists.
I guess the other thing is that Trump and Kavanaugh are the only people who can actually end this. The former is a racist toddler, the latter would really really like to be on the Supreme Court. The rest of the Republican party is just playing the hand that Trump dealt them, and they are gambling that it’s better to push Kavanaugh through than to have some kind of confrontation with Trump, which could end with something even messier.
But yes – there’s a reason this didn’t happen with Gorsuch, you know? I think Gorsuch is a terrible jurist whose views will harm the nation, but I have no reason to believe that he has committed sexual assault. They could definitely find another nominee like that if they wanted to.
I don’t think it’s quite as well thought-out as you state (“sexual assault is the prerogative of (white) men”) but that’s the unspoken underlying zeitgeist behind still backing him. Many people (mostly men) are indeed appalled by the idea that one person’s accusations can cost you a job. Many others are still of the opinion that unwanted physical contact is “no big deal”, “especially from a teenager”. There seems to be zero understanding within a large part of the human population that women live with constant background fear related to their sex on a day-to-day basis, whether it’s literally fear of rape or fear of murder for reporting rape. They don’t understand that “one person’s accusations” come with a huge, overwhelming, and life-changing cost to the reporter. They view such accusations akin to a frivolous lawsuit involving pavement tripping and the entire story is regarded with laughter and disbelief rather than as a legitimate cause for concern. I mean Trump literally stated that he used his position of power to grope women without their consent and a major, MAJOR portion of the American public just thinks it’s kind of funny and maybe a little disgusting, but totally expected and therefore forgivable. From my understanding, many people actually do believe that Dems decided to sacrifice the well-being of Dr. Ford, who is reading from a Dem-prepared script, to further their agenda. Therefore, for GOP to give in to this “made up” pressure is to lose the moral fight.
Would you recommend barre classes to someone who doesn’t really work out? I’m really intrigued by them, and my friends are obsessed. I need to get in better shape but I hate gyms; I do yoga and walk a lot. I’m just afraid it will be too hard since I’m so out of shape or the cute skinny blonde girls will judge me…. :(
Why not just try it a few times with a friend to see whether you like it? Barre is a good workout for beginners.
That said, barre is not for everyone. If you have previous dance experience, be aware that it is NOT a ballet barre, and a lot of it goes against everything your ballet teacher drummed into your head. I am not a barre fan for this reason.
Different barre studios/chains also have different styles, so if you don’t like the first one, try another.
I would! I am wildly out of shape after being an athlete in the past, and actually just started barre. They are hard, but they are hard for everyone and everyone is so wrapped up in their workout they are not judging you. Also, there are lots of modifications to change the intensity of the movements til you get stronger. I found the instructor and the music and flow of class very motivating.
Yes, go do it!
I think they are a great place to start, because you can modify, and while it can be a burn of a workout, it’s not a herculean undertaking. Do it, introduce yourself to the instructor and literally say “I’m a bit out of shape/practice, tell me what to modify,” and then enjoy the class. You’ll feel it the next day!
And, to your last line…I have had that feeling (as a cusp sized curvy brown haired nerd lady with just about the least sleek body ever) at *some* studios, in some cities, at some parts of the day. Yep. It felt awful, but it was in MY head. Being the only person apparently over 30 and way over 150lbs one class was just not a ratio that worked for my confidence and brain, flawed as they are, and I didn’t go back to *that* studio at *that* time of day. Went after work/on the weekends, and the diversity was incredible. You’ll find a crowd that will make you feel good. Everyone is just running their own race (or, tucking their own tuck, whatever), and you won’t even notice them if you feel good.
Reg poster anon for this.
I am also a cusp sized nerdy brunette! Thank you for the kind words and advice!
Yes, barre would be great! I think it’d be harder for someone who is lacking in a sense of rhythm than athletic propensity (speaking from experience!). I had to concentrate so much to keep up with what was going on, I definitely wouldn’t notice someone who was out of shape. I noticed people who were extremely flexible, but that was it. You pick your hand weights, so go for a light dumbbell (seriously don’t be afraid to go for the smallest size or even without for your first class).
Barre wasn’t for me but I didn’t find it intimidating. lots of the movements are very slight, so it’s not immediately obvious you’re a beginner or in the way that, say, an aerobics class might be. I think you should try it! FWIW, I find classes not during the weekday (those frequented by working women) have less skinny lady cliques.
Go for it. Ignore judging. I’m a skinny blonde girl and I get intimidated by the obvious wealth of many of the women in the class. We all have our insecurities.
Tell the instructor that you are new so she can be sure to watch you and correct your form. Form is really important.
Worry about yourself
Yes, when I resolved to make fitness a priority, I went with Pure Barre and loved it! The instructors are very patient and understanding if you can’t do everything right away, as long as you try your best. That said, depending on how serious you are about fitness, at some point you may want to find another workout that’s more focused on cardio, so you’re covering all your bases.
Barre is literally just cardio, with a little bit of stretching…
Barre exercise classes like Pure Barre and Bar Method are strength training, with a mild warm up at the beginning. I think there is a Cardio Barre class, but in my opinion is is not really cardio.
Yes! This was me 3 years ago. I hate to run, am not big on exercise, but I found that I really enjoy barre classes. You can modify them to your skill level, particularly because the movements are so tiny.
I’ve enjoyed pure barre in large part because of how encouraging they are. They routinely will tell people they’re doing a good job, or for example that the “back barre is looking really strong.” If they need to correct you, they’ll come over and talk to you “off mike”, so that the rest of the room can’t hear. Which, as someone who isn’t super coordinated and still needs corrections 3 years in, I really appreciate.
online yoga or cardio HIIT resources?
I recently started weight lifting with a trainer 3x/week (which has been awesome – thanks to the folks on this site who have recommended this, it helped push me to actually sign up!). I’d like to supplement with ashtanga yoga and a HIIT session or two on most weeks, but my gym doesn’t have those classes at convenient times for me. I’m looking for either videos or podcasts to cue HIIT cardio, ideally with great music – I would like to be able to do this inside with my bike on a trainer when the weather’s bad, but outside on the bike when it’s nice.
Also, I used to have a yoga studio near my house that offered ashtanga classes, which I did a few times a week. I’ve since moved, but would like to practice that style of yoga, though not always the full sequence.
Any advice? I tried looking at fitness blender, but this didn’t seem to be quite their deal. My DH suggested signing up for the Peloton streaming service, but it’s a little expensive for something that won’t really give me everything I’m looking for (i.e., no option to take things outside).
Peloton has “beyond the ride” content. There are HIIT workouts, yoga and core workouts that don’t involve the bike. Look further into Peloton; I’m a huge fan.
Yoga with Adrianne is great. I think her series “True” is the most high intensity. But it does vary pretty conciderably from video to video. The later ones are always harder than the earlier ones, but its nice to have variety.
I love Les Mills On Demand for HIIT (as well as other types of classes). For ashtanga, I bought super old videos from David Swanson – they look retro old and weird, but here is something in the way he guides you vocally that really fits me. I also enjoyed some of Shiva Rea yoga videos.
johnson and johnson 7 minute workout app (free) has HIIT workouts – easy, medium, hard versions of the workout. No bike needed. Just need a chair and a wall. Or if you are klutzy like me use a step instead of a chair.
I’m a little late, but just in case you have notifications on – try out Aaptiv, I LOVE it, it has gotten me working out more consistently than literally anything in my life. Love.
Has anyone does this exercise program / challenge that can speak to the results? More specifically, did you combine with diet?
I really struggle to commit, but every time I get through a 30 days of yoga program with Yoga with Adriene I feel and look great. But, it is so hard for me to commit to doing it everyday. :/
My senior and I are flying from SFO to visit colleges next weekend – University of Illinois, University of Wisconsin and University of Minnesota- we don’t know the area at all so any and all tips and recommendations appreciated!! We already have campus tours arranged and tickets to the Wisconsin Nebraska game :)
As a Wisconsin alumna, some tips.
1. Try to stay downtown on the Isthmus. (I really like the Best Western Inn on the Park, although it’s a hike to the stadium from there.) Parking is not great but the area is very walkable.
2. For the football game, brace yourself for the drinking culture. There’s very little risk of physical harm but it could potentially be a little shocking. That said, people are super friendly and it’s very safe (intoxication notwithstanding). If your tickets are in the student section, know also that there are some vulgar chants. In my day at least, they were just swearing and not abusive, but I know a lot of non-students loathed them. Go early and hang out with the tailgaters! There’s a good chance someone will offer you food. At least when I was a student, there was a lot of camaraderie with Nebraska fans (who also have one of the friendliest fanbases).
3. If you leave the game early, at least stay for Jump Around (after the third quarter). It’s such a fun experience.
4. I believe the farmer’s market should be going on as well. Highly recommended.
5. Go to the Babcock Dairy Store!
6. My favorite place to eat in Madison is Marigold’s Kitchen, just off Capitol Square. There’s always a line for brunch but it’s absolutely worth it.
I did not go to UW but live about 2 hours from Madison and try to get there as much as I am able. It’s an awesome town! Where are you staying? You MUST visit the (beautiful) terrace at the UW-Union and have a slice of mac and cheese pizza at Ian’s — sounds gross, but is the most delicious thing EVER. If you’re in Madison on Saturday (which I think you must be b/c game tickets!) stop by the farmer’s market at the State Capitol, right by campus. Love the Mad City!
Minnesota alum here! I’m biased of course but I absolutely loved going to school there!
Does your student have a particular field or major identified? I ask because the Univ of MN campus is actually 3 campuses – one on either side of the Mississippi River in Mpls & the St Paul campus. Their major will determine where they will be. I think the official school tour might show you all 3 (or at least East & West bank in Mpls because they are walkable) but it’s still good to understand there are differences when it comes to picking things like housing.
Campus is right in town, it’s very urban but it also can feel like a little world into itself, which is nice. There are a couple of hotels directly on campus, but you’re also just a 10min light rail ride away from downtown, which gives you a lot more options. Also trying out the light rail during your visit will give you an opportunity to explore the way your kid will – having a car on campus is more trouble than it’s worth due to limited & expensive parking.
Also not sure of your timing but Minnesota’s homecoming week is 9/29-10/6 so there will be tons of additional fun things happening on campus. If you’ve never been to the Twin Cities before, also check out some fun things in the cities! Have a Juicy Lucy, check out the Stone Arch bridge, go have dinner in Uptown, see First Avenue, etc.
Right now we are staying 2 nights at Homewood Suites on Commerce Drive – please let me know if this should be changed…
When I had checked before tons of hotels were fully booked up but now it looks like there is a little t more availability- including the one mentioned above
I’m the reply who recommended the Inn on the Park. I do strongly suggest staying downtown because it can be difficult to navigate if you’re not familiar with the area (if you look at a map, pretty much all east-west traffic either goes through downtown or along 12-18 on the south side of the city, and there are a number one-way streets). A couple other options would be the Edgewater Hotel or on campus through the Wisconsin Union Hotel.
I also second the suggestion of mac and cheese pizza at Ian’s! If you’d like to be in touch, post an e-mail address in the afternoon thread.