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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 227 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Paneled Stretch Dress in Colorblock

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. JCrew Paneled Stretch Dress in ColorblockYes, yes, another colorblocked dress — but this one also gives me the chance to tell you about the fairly remarkable sale at J.Crew: 25% off EVERYTHING, plus free shipping on all orders — and as near as I can tell, it's all returnable, unlike J.Crew's usual “final sale” sales. With the discount this dress, which was $158, comes down to $118. (It's also available in all black; both colors come in regulars and petites.) Paneled Stretch Dress in Colorblock Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)  

Sales of note for 9.19.24

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
  • Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
  • Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
  • Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
  • Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
  • White House Black Market – 40% off select styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Woods-comma-Elle

    Paging TBK!!

    Re your post yesterday about flight search engines, try Skyscanner, which has an option for the destination being ‘everywhere’. You can also select whole months or the whole year and then when you get to the results page, use the left hand column filters to filter the maximum price.

    • TBK

      Thanks! We’ve actually decided we’re going to go to Montreal. I’m pretty exicited. I grew up in New England, and even have family up there, but have never, ever been. We had planned a vacation years ago to visit the Benelux, Germany, and Switzerland, but life and the economy happened. While I’d love to spend a couple of weeks in Europe, a weekend in Old Montreal is going to have to do. I think we’re going to have a fun few days there.

      • BB

        Make sure you get bagels! (I’m a Fairmont person, but some people like St. Viateur)

        • Equity's Darling

          Umm, yeah, St. Viateur >>>>>>Fairmont.

          TBK- I’ve written lots of posts in the past with my favourite things to do in Mtl, so search the site!

      • emeralds

        Enjoy Montreal! It’s one of my favorite cities :) and definitely feels very European, if that’s what you’re going for.

      • Jo March

        St. Viateur for sure. Also, there’s a place called Engaufrez-Vous (Enwaffle Yourselves!) at Rachel and St. Laurent that has the best (stuffed!) waffles ever. Also also, Taqueria Mex (At Laurent, just north of Rachel) has amazing affordable Mexican. So good I the there twice in 3days when I was there, lol.

    • zora

      Yay, what a great idea! Have a wonderful just-the-two-of-you special vacation. ;o)

  2. Candice

    What is the best way to make sure that a wrap dress stays tied during the day? Also, any suggestions to curtail a minor gape in a wrap dress right at the cleavage area?

    • V

      For the gape, fashion tape might work. Or a camisole-type slip.

      Re becoming untied — yikes! I use a double-knot or knot-then-bow. Maybe there should be a wrap dress merit badge (and one for scarves).

      • Candice

        Thanks! I will try the knot then bow. That sounds a lot easier than trying a safety pin, which is what I was thinking. I’ve only ever had a faux wrap dress and just bought a couple real ones. The fashion tape is also a good suggestion. Thanks!

    • Art Lover at Law

      I think a full slip is a necessity with any wrap dress; otherwise, you definitely risk a wardrobe malfunction on a windy day. I really prefer the faux wrap dresses, so this isn’t an issue. A full slip can help with the cleavage issues too.

      • In the Pink - for KAT

        Kat, can you do a shopping round up on faux wrap dresses? For us curvy types, that might be a welcome addition to the “work wardrobe” for fall?

          • This One

            So after all this time of reading raves about Lands End in the comments I went yesterday to Sears and tried them out. Guys, the dresses are really nice. ESPECIALLY considering the pricepoint. They had quite a few faux-wrap dresses in the store and I loved them all. The ponte fabric is really nice, and the dresses look really well made. I ordered four off the website last night (even MORE faux-wrap styles).

    • I'm Just Me

      For the gap at the neckline, I use a small gold safety pin. I buy them at fabric/notions stores and use them for all sorts of fashion corrections. I keep one or two in my wallet in case I discover a gaping neckline after I leave the house.

      • V

        How does that work? I find myself extremely reluctant to pierce any nice fabric, even on the wrong side. To the point where I’d put a pin on a sweater (a decorative one, not a utilitarian one) and keep my kilt pins pinned in place so there is only one hole.

        • emeralds

          I think most knits, or really anything with some give to it, can bounce back from being pinned without an issue. The only times I’ve had pinholes left have been in non-stretch fabrics, and even then a trip through the washing machine or to the dry cleaner’s has fixed the overwhelming majority of those.

          • Mpls

            The small gold safety pins don’t have enough weight to pull on the fabric too much either, whereas even a decorative pin could be too heavy.

            Knits do well with a pin with a blunted/rounded tip, rather than a sharp one. It helps to be sure that the needle goes in between the knitted threads, helping to maintain the knit/stretch, instead of piercing the thread, which could result in snagging or breaking.

          • zora

            Mpls: i love your super detailed answers to things like this. And your chemistry rants. I feel like I’m learning Science!! :o)

        • AIMS

          The small gold pins (I also use them) tend to be small and thin enough not to leave a mark. However, I was unpleasantly surprised to find my drycleaner using big “standard size” safety pins on my silk wrap dresses to pin the sash to the top of the dress. The holes were definitely there. I pointed this out to him but I don’t think it registered as a problem (I need a new dry cleaner). Just something to keep in mind if anyone’s taking their silk dresses to be cleaned.

    • TBK

      I never wear a wrap dress or top without a camisole. I know some people pin them or have their tailors put a snap there, but I feel like it always pulls weird and you can see where the pin/snap is.

    • Jules

      I find that my full slip tends to, well, slip around and get sideways with a wrap dress, no idea why. I wear a half slip and tube-top/bra thing over my regular bra. (Some women could get away with just the tube.) Amazon has them in about 50 colors, although I only have the black, which works for all my wrap and faux wrap dresses. I’m also not afraid of safety pins on knits and use them even with a good knot on the belt of a wrap dress to prevent the most severe fly-aways.

    • S in Chicago

      For true wrap styles, I usually avoid delicate fabric (silk, etc.) and stick with a thick jersey knit. I then will pin from the underside of the fabric (there often is a lip I can grab from the seam on the layer that is crossing the chest on the outside, if that makes any sense. I’ve even pinned both layers to my bra before from the underside of the fabric. It is a pain. But with a small pin and the right fabric, it really works well. I’ve even sent dresses through the wash with the pins still attached and not had it create weird holes. It’s all a matter of how delicate the fabric is.

  3. Niktaw

    The discount + free shipping applies to sale items too, but ALL sale items are final sale.

    • Mpls

      Really, because that’s rarely the case with their other sales. Final sale items are usually marked as final sale after you select size and color, and also while sitting in your shopping cart. Even when the sale section is marked “final sale”, that doesn’t mean ALL the items in the sale section are final sale.

      Sale item + instore discount, however, may result in final sale.

    • Bonnie

      Almost everything I looked at in the sale section was final sale. Final sale shows up when you hover over the color.

  5. Katie*

    Hey Kat — I use Feedly to access your content and this week your posts have not been showing up as scheduled (I got all of Monday’s posts on Tuesday; I just got your Coffee Break post from Tuesday on Wednesday AM). Not sure if this is a Feedly issue you need to resolve on your end or not. Thought I’d pass it along!

    • NOLA

      Somebody mentioned this to Kat a few days ago and she responded. A think it was a change on her end that caused the problem. I’ve had the same problem with iGoogle. For me, it’s been working to feed off and on.

      • NYC

        Btw, in my Feedly account there is now a summary of comments, which is AWESOME. I can click to comment discussions straight from Feedly!

  6. Cb

    Anyone with a recommendation for a grey, men’s peacoat? I’d like to buy one as a gift but am a bit overwhelmed with all the options. Is this doable under $150?

  7. Legally Brunette

    Any recommendations on a high quality bib necklace for work? I like statement pieces to wear with dresses. My usual go to is Kate Spade but I’m not crazy about the selection right now. Would like to spend less than $150.

    • TBK

      Have you looked at Bauble Bar? I’m not sure what you’re looking for exactly in “high quality” but I wear stuff from Bauble Bar to work all the time and it doesn’t look cheap. The prices, however, are incredible.

      • Legally Brunette

        Thanks! I have never heard of this site. Some of these statement necklaces are really pretty – do you have any that you recommend?

        • Anonymous

          +1 on Baulble Bar. If you are in NYC you can stop by their offices for a styling session.

    • Jules

      A couple of days ago someone recommended Tinley Road tops from Piperlime and I checked out the brand, they had some very nice statement necklaces, all about $50 or less, some a lot less. And I seem to remember another commenter some weeks ago recommending JCPenney, of all places.

    • Sad Runner

      Does anyone else get neckpain when they wear heavy necklaces? Happens to me even if it’s just a pendant necklace..bib necklace – forget it! I don’t have great posture (working on it), so maybe that’s my problem?

  8. 8

    So it was 50 degrees this morning and I unabashedly wore my 8 year old NorthFace to my corporate office because let’s be honest, is there anything more comfortable? (also, I swear the A/C is still on). But I have to admit it is showing its age and I’m wondering if there is a “grown-up” version of this jacket that anyone has found that is anywhere near as comfortable?

    signed,
    Attorney who would wear hoodies to the office if allowed

  9. AIMS

    Big thank you to everyone who responded to my California questions yesterday! You guys really are so helpful. I printed out all the comments and am now sitting at my desk trying to resist looking at hotels and car rentals until lunch (I booked the tickets last night). Thanks again!

  10. Chicago shoe guy?

    Gaah! I stepped in a grate and scrapped the cover off my newish heel! Anyone have a shoe repair shop the recommend? (I’m assuming this is fixable.)

    • Avodah

      Yes. There is one at Lawrence and Damen (near Damen brown line). Theodore’s Shoe Repair.

    • ANP

      Just south of Broadway and Belmont on the east side of the street, I forget the name but he’s top notch!

    • Blue

      There’s one I like on Dearborn and Maple. He’s good, although not super cheap.

    • Frustrated Academic

      I have had good luck with a shop on North, it is between Western and Damen on the north side of the street.

    • abogada

      Shoe Hospital on Dearborn in between Jackson & Van Buren. They also have a location at O’Hare and Diversey & Halsted, but I’ve only every used the one in the Loop.

  11. anon

    TJ- (trying again for more responses)

    I’m a junior associate at a big law firm–I realized that I was hired to be more of a general corporate attorney, but I find myself being drawn to M&A work (and realize that I LOVE the work–which I know, I know makes me sort of insane by definition). The problem? My firm doesn’t have enough M&A work to sustain an M&A specialty (and I doubt many firms in my medium sized midwestern city would either). Thoughts on what I should do? Should I start applying to other firms with a more robust M&A practice? How would I even know which firms have a big M&A practice?

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      It really depends on how junior you are. There are a lot of schools of thought about this, but generally it seems to be the accepted view (with which I agree) that as a junior it is to your benefit to have broad experience and then specialise later on. Even if you become the most kick-a** M&A partner around, you will need to know about general corporate law and the breadth of experience can only help you.

      Sure, looking at other firms with a more robust practice is definitely the next step, and you have a good reason to move, but if you’ve only just started and you generally like your firm, getting a couple of years of general experience (while of course trying to get as much M&A work in your firm as possible) is not necessarily a bad thing.

      But like I said, there are a lot of views about this. As for knowing about firms, you can look into things like the Vault and Legal 500 for the best firms in specific areas.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Agree with Elle.

        I think, if you’re 3rd-to-4th-ish year or above, a lateral move could work, since that seems to be around when associates start to specialize, at least in my (major metro area) biglaw experience. If you’re less than 3 years in, you definitely don’t want to narrow your range so much just yet.

    • MaggieLizer

      It depends why your office doesn’t have much M&A work. Is your office not in a jurisdiction with much demand for M&A? Does your firm in general not do a lot of M&A, even in other offices? Is M&A slow at other firms too? Once you find out the answers to those questions you might have more insight into whether you should stick it out in your current firm or start looking at a move to another firm and/or another state.

    • TBK

      Talk to legal headhunters. They should be able to answer your questions and help you find a firm that needs someone to do that kind of work. I would, however, stick with your current firm until you’re about a 3rd year. You’ll be more valuable then.

  12. Gail the Goldfish

    PSA: Kate Spade Surprise Sample Sale online today and tomorrow-check your spam emails if you normally get their emails and don’t see it.

    I’ve been hoping for a dark brown purse, and unfortunately the only option is a a crocodile-embossed patent leather, which isn’t my thing, but is gorgeous if that’s anyone’s style. There’s also a really pretty red purse that looks like it would hold a legal pad if anyone needs awork bag (Wellesley Martine). Someone buy these things and give them a nice home for me since I really can’t justify another purse…

  13. Divaliscious11

    Hey ladies!

    Has anyone come across a viable replacement for Quincy? I miss them!

    • Anon

      I haven’t, although Boden has lots of pretty new work-appropriate dresses right now (wool, jersey, ponte) and in tall sizes.

      Missed your voice around here!

    • KC

      Me too! I wish I had picked up more than just a dress and blazer before they closed :(

      As for tall sizes, I’ve found a few things from Ann Taylor and JCrew recently that fit well, but nothing I’ve been tremendously excited about.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I have a black pencil skirt, size 28, I bought on final sale when they were closing that doesn’t fit and I haven’t gotten around to selling on ebay if anyone wants to buy it for cheap.

  14. Equity's Darling

    My 5 year undergrad homecoming is this October (I can’t believe it’s been that long….), and I don’t really think I can justfiy the price of flying across the country for a weekend of boozing with friends that I just saw this summer, and work is a zoo that week…but at the same time, I do love the city that I’d be visiting in the fall the leaves are so pretty (here they sort of get dry and brown and just fall off, no gold/red/orange, and it makes me sad)….I just can’t decide.

    So, to help me make my decision, tell me your reunion/homecomeing stories- good and bad!

    • Maddie Ross

      Personally, I loved my 5 year college reunion. With few exceptions, we were all still childless and while some were married, we girls all made the trip back on our own. It ended up being a great weekend to catch up, enjoy the school from a new perspective, and booze it up. That said, if I had seen my girlfriends at another time recently, or they weren’t going, I probably would have skipped it. As we’ve gotten older, the reunions are still fun, but much more mellow now with more husbands and children involved.

      • MJ

        I agree with Maddie–this will be your last college hurrah that is somewhat similar to college–by your 10 year, it’s just not the same. Also, it’s really great to reconnect with all of your college classmates who were not your besties–the guy down the hall from your freshman dorm, your roommate’s freshman year ex…all of these people are doing interesting things, you probably wouldn’t pick up the phone to call or send a specific email to stay in touch…but it’s really nice to hear how they are and reconnect. You should suck it up and go…you won’t regret it.

    • AMB

      What should have been my 5 year homecoming last year was cancelled (thanks university with a name that rhymes with Shmeems, geez a few minor riots and people over-react), so my friends and I are organizing a trip ourselves this November and I am SO excited. There will be partners there (though a few of us single girls too), and I think it’ll be great! I see a lot of those people fairly often but I think it’ll be really special to be back on our old stomping grounds.

    • Susie

      I didn’t know 5 year undergrad reunions were even a thing. I just went to my 5 year law school reunion and while it was nice the turnout was very small; about 20 people from my class of ~250.

    • Lia

      I really loved my five year – it was great to feel like I was in college again for a weekend. Very freeing and fun. The ten year was wonderful too, but different. I actually spent a lot of time connecting with people I hadn’t really known in college but had things in common with as adults.

  15. Anon

    I went on a really really incredible first date last night… like I may have just met my future husband levels of incredible. Which is amazing, obviously, but now I have two issues: (1) I can’t concentrate on ANYTHING at work and I really need to focus because there is actually a ton of stuff that needs to get done today, and (2) I need to find a way to calm down a bit because I do not want to scare this awesome guy away (he seems very interested and I am pretty sure he feels the same way, but. still.). Help!?!?

    • Avodah

      Meh. Try to concentrate, but don’t worry. We are allowed to feel really happy and excited once in a while! Fingers crossed for you!

    • Baconpancakes

      Be honest. Both with yourself and with him. You’re super excited about him, which feels amaaaaazing, but thinking of him as a future husband isn’t being honest with yourself. You hardly know him! Switch that from “future husband” to “someone I want to get to know really well to see if I want to see him every day which might mean I’ll want to marry him if all the stars align,” and it’s a lot less terrifying for you and for him. Be excited to see him, don’t play by “The Rules” that force you to feign disinterest and cancel plans and bullhockey like that, but don’t start treating him like you’ve been dating for a year, either – that would scare anyone starting a new relationship.

      But YAY! I love that feeling! I’d take lunch today to gush about the date to a friend, and then really buckle down for the afternoon.

      • Anonymous

        This. I have seen way too many people ignore red flags or dealbreakers that pop up because they decided at the beginning that this was who they wanted to be with, without really knowing anything about them.

      • January

        +1 to everything Baconpancakes said. What you’re feeling right now is infatuation (which is fun! enjoy it!), but it really has no bearing on whether you’ll ultimately marry this guy. So, yes, you’ll have to embrace the buzzkill a little bit, but it will probably be good for you – thinking of this guy as the one you’ll marry when you hardly know him is bound to freak one or both of you out.

        • TO Lawyer

          Agreed with everything everyone else has said but just wanted to emphasize: enjoy this part! This is the most fun part of a relationship I think and it doesn’t come around too often, in my experience.

      • Grammar Nerd

        I totally agree with this.

        But I can’t help myself:

        Disinterested = objective, unbiased.
        Uninterested = not interested.

        • Pedantic Dictionary Nerd

          dis·in·ter·est·ed
          disˈintəˌrestid,-tristid/Submit
          adjective
          1.
          not influenced by considerations of personal advantage.
          “a banker is under an obligation to give disinterested advice”
          synonyms: unbiased, unprejudiced, impartial, neutral, nonpartisan, detached, uninvolved, objective, dispassionate, impersonal, clinical; More
          2.
          having or feeling no interest in something.
          “her father was so disinterested in her progress that he only visited the school once”
          synonyms: uninterested, indifferent, incurious, uncurious, unconcerned, unmoved, unresponsive, impassive, passive, detached, unenthusiastic, lukewarm, bored, apathetic; More

          • Grammar Nerd

            From the same link you got that from (Oxford Dictionary), I believe the rule of completeness applies here

            QUOTE

            Nowhere are the battle lines more deeply drawn in usage questions than over the difference between disinterested and uninterested. According to traditional guidelines, disinterested should never be used to mean ‘not interested’ (i.e. it is not a synonym for uninterested) but only to mean ‘impartial’, as in the judgements of disinterested outsiders are likely to be more useful. Ironically, the earliest recorded sense of disinterested is for the disputed sense. Today, the ‘incorrect’ use of disinterested is widespread: around a quarter of citations in the Oxford English Corpus for disinterested are for this sense.

            UNQUOTE

            Just because it’s widely used informally, doesn’t make it correct.

          • anonymama

            Does not the first definition of disinterest also apply with the original poster’s usage? If she feigns disinterest, as in pretending to be impartial, unbiased, unemotional, detached, neutral towards the guy. In that whole situation, you would not pretend that you have NO interest in someone, because if you are really not interested then why would they bother calling back, but rather pretend to be more neutral/less emotional than you actually are.

        • Godzilla

          This is fascinating (I love the word debates on here). I always just use “not interested” because hello confusion.

  16. Miss Behaved

    Pissed. I was leading a training session today when a guy started asking lots of in-depth off-topic questions. I asked him if we could take the issue offline, but then my co-worker told him I’d built the report wrong and took over the session.

    Ruined the whole thing for me and I lost the momentum I had. Plus, everyone thinks I’m stupid now. And, of course, I have to lead another session this afternoon.

    Told him afterwards that we need to take things like that offline and that it wasn’t fair to me because everyone thinks I’m stupid now. Now they won’t come to me with issues and questions. He just sort of grinned sheepishly and didn’t apologize.

    I need to get ready for the next session, but I’m thinking about going to the gym to get away instead.

    • Avodah

      1.) No one thinks you’re stupid. (2.) Tell your coworker, and maybe his boss, that you and your colleagues are a team. Even if you make a mistake it is important to work *together*. (3.) Don’t use the word “fair”. Instead say, “it is important that our clients see all of us as competent and capable. Next time I make a mistake, please gently correct me or take it offline. I want our clients to have faith in us and the hard work we do. (4.) Go to the gym.

      • Anon for This

        Yes. Well said, Avodah. And the afternoon session will go better, because you know where the potential issues are already. Get to the gym.

      • eek

        Yeah, no one thinks you’re stupid. I’m going through a similar morning and all I can do is look composed and professional, but I am seething inside. I know the person that picked the battle picked it for reasons that have nothing to do with me, but of course I feel like I have egg on my face. My upcoming call should be interesting. I need to be matter-of-fact and NOT apologetic.

      • Monday

        Not only does nobody think you’re stupid, you probably have a lot more support than you realize. I have seen a number of takedowns like the one you describe, in a public setting, and in every case I thought the person doing the interrupting looked like the a$$, never the person who was presenting (even if there was an issue with his or her work). Looking around the room and hearing murmurs, I knew this was the majority opinion every time. Mr. Smug is not impressing anyone here.

      • Avodah

        For some reason my comments keep getting eaten…Agree w/ Monday 100%. More often than not, the rude jerk looks really bad, and their behavior comes back to haunt them. It is probably the hardest thing about being an adult (and professional!), but stay calm, be polite and be positive. Good behavior will (98% of the time) win.

    • AEK

      Ugh, sorry that happened. I was undermined by a co-worker today, too. I don’t think it was as deliberate as in you case, but I had a total WTF!? moment.

  17. Interview q's

    Curious what the hive thinks about questions you as an interviewee should ask at an on-site interview to gauge the company culture, fit, etc.

    I have an on-site coming up, and I think by the phone interview it’s more of a sell than an interview- they are almost worried I’m overqualified (the interviewer said he worried the work was too “boring” for me, which I wanted to burst out with, “and yeah, you think what I do now is fascinating?!”.. especially since I’m interviewing for basically my job at a different company). I have the luxury that I am currently employed, but I really really want to change jobs to escape a horrible company culture/bad fit/terrible commute.

    My worry is, when I interviewed at current job, I did not get a sense AT ALL of the culture, and obviously thought it was a great fit. If it helps, my goal is to find some place that is NOT a bro/frat boy/work hard party hard mentality. Does anyone have suggestions on ways to ferret this out? (btw, have looked on glassdoor – they don’t have any reviews, since it’s a small-ish company)

    • Avodah

      Here are some ideas- What is the best thing about working here? What is the most challenging aspect of this job? What is the biggest challenge this company faces right now? What is your favorite part of this job? The ___ program/project/department sounds unique, can you tell me more about it? What are some of your companies values (learning and talent development? continuing ed?)? Tell me about the biggest change this company has undergone in the past 3 years.

      My advice- don’t be afraid to ask. Like they say, people love talking about themselves.

    • a.k.

      Ask about the type of culture the company thinks it has, and how do they work to reinforce that? Is this a place where people come in, do their work and leave, or are there events/happy hours that are widely attended?

      Also, if you have a chance to do any peer interviews, you could ask for specific examples about the environment. How would the team describe itself? Etc.

  18. Lilypad

    TJ – requesting financial advice. After 3 years of saving, I have exactly enough money in a savings account to pay off my outstanding (low/mid 5 figure) student loan debt (woohoo!). Separately, I have an emergency fund with 6 months living expenses for our household (but note my husband also works and earns enough that we could probably squeak by on his salary for a while without touching those savings in the event I lost my job). I am also expecting another baby. Should I: (a) pay off the student loans, (b) increase our emergency fund (from 6 months to appx. 9/10 months living expenses), (c) put the money in a 529 for our latest kid, or (d) some combination thereof (or something else altogether)? I’m 5 years from paying off the remaining loans with the regular payment, and they are my highest interest rate debt (higher than prevailing mortgage rates, lower than most scary private rates), if any of that is relevant.

    • Anne Shirley

      Personally, I’d do half to savings, half to loan, none to 529 (unless this would give you a serious tax benefit). I’m more comfortable with larger savings, and not convinced at my interest rate it makes sense to start saving for someone else’s education before I pay for my own.

    • k-padi

      With a big life event on the horizon (new baby!), I’d personally stay more liquid–so keeping a big chunk in savings. I’m pretty conservative when facing new things.

      But according to my “can I sleep at night?” method of financial planning, I would also consider how you feel about this debt. Frankly, it sounds like it’s weighing on your mind. So, if it would bring you more peace of mind to pay off the debt, pay off the debt!

      Honestly, if you have kids, a 6-month cushion, and enough cash to pay off a major debt, you are doing great financially.

    • preg 3L

      I’m pretty sure that the total amount you contribute to the 529 (up to $10k) is a straight deduction you can take from your gross income when you do your taxes. If lowering your income by 10k is seriously adventagous (e.g., you’re just over the cusp of a higher tax bracket), I would contribute. Otherwise, I agree with Anne Shirley to use half on student loans and half into savings — and not start paying for (or saving for) someone else’s education til yours is paid off.

      • Lilypad

        You cannot deduct 529 contributions from your federal taxes, and the state deductible portion varies by state. I don’t contribute to my state’s 529, so I cannot deduct anything. (That may sound irrational, but my maximum savings from the deduction would be < $500/year, and the fees charged by the administrator of my state's plan would completely offset the savings and then some.) I won't have to pay taxes on the growth so long as I use the money for qualified educational expenses, though.

      • Anonymous

        This depends by state. There are no federal tax savings from 529 contributions, unfortunately.

    • Anon

      Maybe work on reducing your monthly expenses before the baby arrives? I was shocked to read that a low-mid 5 figure amount of $ is only enough to add 3-4 months to your emergency fund. Of course, I don’t know what city you are living in or anything about your circumstances, but it sounds like you were implying your expenses are in the $7-15k per month range. That seems awfully high for a couple with no children, and this is coming from someone who has lived in the country’s most expensive cities.

      Also worth noting, your monthly expenses are going to go up when the baby is born, so your 6-month emergency fund may really be a 3-4 month fund.

      • Lilypad

        I totally agree with your general approach, which is why I’ve been so focused on paying off the student loans. Other than my mortgage, they’ve been my largest monthly bill, so cutting them reduces the savings I need. The big ticket stuff is day care (not our first kid, and I did factor the additional cost for the newbie in to my calcs above), health insurance, and the mortgage, all of which I get good deals on (and together account for about 60% of our monthly expenses). Another 10-15% is car loans (0% interest, economy cars) & insurance. I could cut other places if I had to, and I certainly would if I lost my job, but in the mean time, most of my expenses are stuff I don’t want to give up: Cleaning lady, organic food, air conditioning, vet bills… Of course, if any of that sounds totally irresponsible, I am open to being chastened :)

        • Anon

          Yes, then I agree with a lot of the others that you should pay down the student loans. And based on what you say here, it sounds like you 6-month emergency fund (a) can be extended across many more months if you find yourself in an emergency situation and (b) will last you many more months once you pay down the loans. Congratulations on being in a position to pay down your student loan debt and best of luck with the new little one!

        • k-padi

          FWIW, I don’t think $7k-$15k of monthly expenses is that much for a family of 4+ (with daycare!), especially if you are in a high cost of living area. Where I am, it’s not unusual for a couple to have a PITI payment on their house or be paying rent in the $3-$5k range. Add in $1k/month in day care and health insurance easily can be $1k per month (even if it’s just a high deductible family plan + HSA contribution). That’s $5k. $2k/month for food, transportation, clothing, etc for 4 people is not extravagant. And that’s $7k.

          • Brant

            If the emergency fund is meant to cover job loss, presumably someone is home and daycare is no longer an expense. My daycare fees are $1800/month for ONE baby, but my healthcare for the family is only $500

          • Anon

            Totally agree – I think it is high for a couple with no kids, but not for a family. I didn’t realize the OP already had kids.

          • Lilypad

            In my area, day care wait lists are too long to assume I could withdrawal for a job loss.

    • Walnut

      Pay off those student loans and then focus on beefing up the emergency fund with your extra cash flow. And take yourself out to dinner, because paying off that debt is an accomplishment!

      • Anon

        I agree with Walnut. Pay off your loans. There is no better feeling than being debt free. Heaven forbid something happens that you need to dip into your existing emergency fund, you’d hate to have to dip into it to pay off your loans when you have the money now to pay your loans off.

  19. NOLA

    Does anybody know of a site where you can build a trip where you fly into one place but don’t stay there the whole time? My friend and I might need to just build the trip ourselves, but right now, it looks like all I can do on Expedia is to say I only need a hotel for part of the time, then book the hotel in another location separately. My friend and I are trying to look at costs/logistics of our trip to Vienna and Salzburg. I would prefer November, but she is talking about March or April. It looks like spring is more expensive (and the opera during April is all Strauss and Wagner). We just want to check out both. We’d like to go when the weather is coldish but not too cold. Anyway, any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

    • cb

      European destinations. Com. We’ve used them loads and they also allow you to book train travel.

      • NOLA

        Cb, gotta tell you, I’ve had a blast exploring options with this site this morning.

    • Equity's Darling

      I always book my flights separately from accomodations, because I usually either airbnb or vrbo an apartment. Regardless, I tend to book my flights in/out of the same city, then train between cities that I want to see- OBB is great in Austria, I used it all the time when I did my exchange (with a 50% discount compliments of my VorteilsCard). I use GoogleFlights to see when has cheaper flights (I really love the Google Flights), and then check out a few airbnb/vrbo options to price it out. Google Flights will also let you multi-city flight pricings, if you decide to fly into Vienna and out of Salzburg.

      I second your November choice, BTW, christmas markets are possibly one of my fondest memories of my exchange.

      • Equity's Darling

        Oh, if you end up going in November, pretty please have some gluhwein and lebkuchen for me.

    • LHH

      NOLA – The Christmas markets begin in November in Vienna and I’ve heard wonderful things. I believe the Hapsburg palace is also decorated for the holidays. I enjoyed my trip to Vienna last summer but next time I’m going for the Christmas market.

      • NOLA

        Yeah, this trip coincides with the 30th anniversary of our junior year in Vienna, which was in the fall of 1984. My best memories there were around Thanksgiving. The Christmas market is up and running, everything is decorated, and the number of concerts and operas is almost overwhelming. I was kind of bummed that my friend suggested the spring. Maybe it’s a better time for her.

    • zora

      honestly it’s this kind of trip that my family swears by travel agents for. They can do it so much faster! But i am also not a fan of expedia. Maybe try Orbitz?

      • NOLA

        Yeah, we may have to do that, especially since we’re not starting the trip in the same city (she’s in DC). I had thought about flying there so we could fly together. Not sure.

        • AIMS

          You can do multi city flights on both kayak and farecast. I would just book the hotels separately. Maybe you can find a connecting flight through D.C. so you can travel together from that point?

          • NOLA

            Huh, I’ll try that. I just figured we could book hotels with one of our flights to get deals. Not sure. Usually, international flights from here go through Houston or Atlanta.

    • Terry

      Not sure if this is what you’re looking for, but I was just introduced to the site Tripit, which basically organizes all the different reservations you make in one place.

  20. s-non

    Do any ladies here still have their wisdom teeth? Looking for someone that decided to keep them in because they didn’t cause any problems and am interested in hearing if it has caused problems (infections? breakages?) later in life. Thanks!

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      My mom and dad both kept theirs until late in life (mostly because they didn’t have dental insurance or much income until their mid-to-late 30s). For my mom, hers were impacted (they grew in fully inside of her gums and were not visible at all), and caused major dental problems for her – one was so deeply rooted that, when it started causing her pain, the oral surgeon couldn’t even remove all of it, because he was concerned that trying to dislodge a piece of it would cause facial paralysis. She finally has all four out now (except that tiny piece embedded in her nerve), and she’s fine, but it was an ongoing problem for a period of about 5 years, as each one became inflamed/broken/whatever, started causing her pain, and had to be removed.

      My dad’s wisdom teeth are all “out” (poking through the gums like normal teeth), and he still has them, with no issues, at age 56.

      If you’re on the fence, consult an oral surgeon for guidance. When making this decision for myself, I had all of mine removed, because they were all partially or fully impacted and I didn’t want to risk going through what my mom went through later in life.

      • Amberwitch

        I have all of mine, fully grown, and have had them for approximately 20 years.
        They have been more prone to cavities than the rest, but, according to my dentist, this is due to them being less accessible and more uneven than the rest of my teeth, not because they are inherently lower quality teeth.
        The only other issue, apart from the pain of them growing in originally, is that the gum area have swelled and been sore for a few days on occasion. As if they start to grow a bit again years after they first appeared.

        • KLG

          This is exactly what my dentist described to me when I asked about keeping mine (need to be diligent about brushing carefully because they are hard to reach and therefore more prone to cavities and they will erupt a little every so often which can be painful). Mine ended up having to come out a few years after that for other dental work to be done, but I had planned to just keep them and see what happened.

        • amberwitch

          For what it is worth, I have a wide bite, so there is room for the teeth. Although my lower front teeth are jumbled a bit together, they’ve been like that since i was a kid, way before I got my wisdom teeth.

    • Greener Apple

      I kept mine and regret it. I was supposed to have them out at 18 just as a precaution–they weren’t causing any problems and didn’t seem likely to become a problem. I didn’t have them out because I was moving for school.

      Then they actually came in when I was in my mid-20s, and moved my teeth, which meant I had to have them removed and get braces, too.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Hi still have my top ones. Never saw my bottom ones. The top ones just started showing up on xrays. I’d rather not have them out if I don’t have to but I don’t want them to cause problems either. I have a hard time believing that teeth we naturally have are required to come out. Why do we have them then? Guess I need to do some googling.

      • Baconpancakes

        The commonly accepted knowledge is that prior to the 20th century and an understanding of dental care, pretty much everyone would lose at least one tooth (rot, violence, cavity pain prompting having it pulled, etc). The wisdom teeth would grow in and help push the rest of the teeth together to fill in the empty space.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          According to wikipedia (so take it for what you will), wisdom teeth originally helped human ancestors grind down plant tissue, but as we evolved, jaws got smaller and there was less room for them to grow in and thus, problems.

          I luckily don’t have any wisdom teeth, but I still had to have 4 permanent teeth pulled because apparently my jaw was too small for all my teeth. (perhaps it was just too evolved?)

    • Seattle Freeze

      At 40, I have my uppers still – they came in straight and weren’t impacted. My lowers came in partially impacted and I waited to have them removed till I got a cavity in one of the adjacent molars – about 6 years ago, I think. The removal was uncomplicated, but the soreness afterward went on for weeks so I’m glad I only got the lowers removed, despite the oral surgeon and my dentist who really REALLY wanted me to have the uppers removed as well. No issues since then, and no reason as yet to consider removing the remaining two.

    • Ru

      My top two grew out normally and my bottom two are impacted. When I was plagued more regularly by The Headache Gaston (he’s still around but not as constant), I saw an oral surgeon about removing them. I only got the top two removed since they were a pretty standard extraction (and easily the least painful medical procedure I’ve had done in the past year). The oral surgeon said that I need to remove the bottom ones, too, but didn’t want to touch them while I was in so much pain for other reasons. Removing the top ones definitely contributed to decreasing how much I grind my teeth at night.

      My dad is almost 60 and he has all of his wisdom teeth (they all grew out normally). My mom’s two impacted wisdom teeth eventually pierced her adjacent molars and she had to remove those wisdom teeth and molars (but she still has the other two). I should really get on removing my other two since that happened to her in her late 20s/early 30s.

    • Anonymous

      I have both my top and bottom wisdom teeth. All 4 grew in sideways (weird…) and are totally inside the gums. My dentist does not think the wisdom teeth are a problem. FWIW late twenties.

    • Samantha

      I had a similar recommendation from a dentist (take them all out because they’re harder to keep clean, and may develop cavities and cause problems later on). I decided to wait and see. Five years later, I have never had any pain or problems with them and am continuing with the wait and watch approach. My mom had a similar recommendation, did not take them out, and hasn’t had any problems so far either.

    • abogada

      My dentist wanted me to have them pulled as a teenager, just as a precaution. I didn’t see the point in having unnecessary surgery. They were fully grown in, and I had no problems with them until my 30s, when I developed lots of cavities and the teeth started crumbling. My dentist (different one from when I was a teen) recommended having them pulled at that point, which I did. So I had them for about 15-20 years with no problems until just before having them pulled, which also went smoothly.

    • lucy stone

      My husband is in his later 30s and still has his. They haven’t erupted and aren’t coming out until they do.

  22. Question

    I just wanted to vent about receiving unsolicited medical advice from a coworker. And no…I do not work in a hospital! I have been chronically clearing my throat for the last few months. I have tried a couple of things to address the issue, and brought it up with my GP who reccommended I see an ENT which I am planning to do soon. In the past couple of weeks, one of my coworkers asked if I was sick – I said no and that this is a problem I am working on addressing. This morning, a different coworker brought cough medicine to my office – she said it was from the other coworker who I spoke to a couple of weeks ago. I asked – is my throat clearing bothering her? She said – no, she thinks you are sick and doesn’t want you to get other people sick.

    I just don’t appreciate this on so many levels. It is okay to show concern for your coworkers’ health, but please don’t diagnose them or assume that they aren’t already trying to address any health issues they might be having.

    • anon

      Chronically clearing your throat for months and you still haven’t seen an ENT?!? Guarantee you are driving everyone around you up the wall, and you haven’t really done anything about it.

      • Question

        I think thats pretty unfair. It takes a few weeks before you realize it is even a chronic issue…then I have had a history of allergies when living in a different city, so I tried the same allergy routine I have used in the past. Needed a few weeks to see if that would work. I have tried making some changes to my diet in case it was due to reflux. Needed a few weeks to see if that would work. I DID see my GP about the issue, and she couldn’t figure out what is causing it. And this is why I get so frustrated with my coworker’s remarks. I KNOW this is a problem and I AM taking steps to fix it (which I told her). This is not a straight forward issue…many people deal with this kind of issue for years.

        • scrubs and sequins

          agree times a million.

          And I think this applies to the multitude of patients suffering from various chronic health issues who are then burdened additionally by the comments of helpful and/or annoyed others. No one is sick because they want to be. Most of the time I think we can assume that people are doing their best to care for their own health to the best of their abilities and don’t want or need unsolicited input from non-medical professionals.

    • Anonymous

      Re: chronic throat clearing. I feel your pain. Had a chronic tickle/cough (years). Saw Dr. after Dr. with no success and received many, many unhelpful comments at work. Ruled out reflux, allergies, etc. Finally saw an ENT who specialized in voice issues. She prescribed very low dose amitriptyline, which solved the issue — like a light switch dimming the inflamed nerve in my throat. The prescription cost something like $0.55. Google it, suggest it to the ENT if they don’t consider it. Good luck.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Your coworker was probably trying to be helpful, not rude. Occasionally I hear the guy in the next office sneeze a bunch. I know we both suffer from allergies so I ask if he would like a claritin. It’s kind of like that Ricola commercial. I always thought it was polite to offer someone a cough drop if they were coughing or a tissue if they were sneezing.

    • Caty

      I’m sorry your co-worker is being passive aggressive with you, but I think it’s pretty clear you are annoying others with the constant throat clearing. It’s not just about your health; you’re causing a problem for others. So instead of being defensive, I would try to address the problem. And your co-worker should work on being direct and polite, but hey, people are b*tches.

    • Sims

      I think you can fairly assume the noise is becoming bothersome (and probably to more than her). Get thee to the ENT already. It’s been going on for months. And no, her approach isn’t right. Both of them were rude .

      I totally see where you are coming from. Your health is your business alone.That said, my father has a terminal lung disease that often causes coughing spasms (non-smoker with pulmonary fibrosis). He often gets rude looks from those who don’t know or who are probably worried about him being contagious. He won’t go out to restaurants anymore because of it and often won’t attend things with my mom. Yes, his illness isn’t anyone else’s concern. But I also have seen how much smoother things go when folks realize he is under care. Fair no, but just another perspective. At least your situation is likely treatable, assuming you get around to it.

      • PinkKeyboard

        Sims my dad had the same… I remember him being to embarassed to go out with his oxygen. I understand why he’s bothered but people suck and he should be enjoying life as long as he is mobile!

    • NOLA

      Hey, I know you didn’t ask for a diagnosis (ha ha), but this may not be an ENT issue. I used to get a horrible death rattle cough that would last for months and, even now, when my inhaler runs out, I’ll get a little tickle cough. I have mild asthma and it took a long time to find a solution. Still, I’m sure it’s annoying for you. Your co-workers should not try to give you medication. That’s beyond the pale.

    • L

      Yes, you’re noise is probably driving them nuts. But seriously WTF. It’s one thing to say something to a coworker about coming into the office if they’re disgustingly sick and contagious (which you clearly stated you are not); it is another to bring them medicine and invade their personal medical space.

      I hope you say your last line to them as politely as you can manage. It’s rude and none of their business.

  23. Anon TJ -- want the ring!

    How long would you ladies stick around before getting engaged? I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. About 5 months ago I told my SO that I wanted to get married and if he wasn’t ready to get engaged within the next 9 months or so [I’d be 30 at that point and he’s already 31], I needed to know so that I could reevaluate our relationship. Not to suggest that I could just trade this guy in for someone else, I’d be devastated, but I hoped that by making my desires clear and giving him time to make it happen, I’d be saving myself from potentially more hurt in the future when, 2 years later, I’d be starting over at 32. The SO recently alluded to the fact that he needs more time (more than the 9 months I gave him) to afford a ring. I know his finances need work and so I believe him when he says he needs time, and I agree it wouldn’t be smart to go into debt buying a ring, but how do you simmer down the desire to finally be engaged?! Or is 9 months enough and it’s just an excuse / delay tactic?

    • Avodah

      I’d ask him why he can’t buy a $500 gold band or something. I don’t think you’re being pushy. Just be open about your feelings. I’m in my late twenties and in a similar situation. Its been almost 3 years. My partner knows I want to get married, and that I want us to work towards it.
      Continue being open, but don’t be too pushy about timelines. :)

    • Orangerie

      Do you want the ring or do you want to get married? I know that sounds a bit harsh, but it’s possible to be engaged without an extravagant ring. It’s also possible to upgrade to something nicer a few years down the line.

      I don’t think anyone here will be able to tell you if affording the ring is an excuse or delay tactic. It sounds like the two of you should have an honest conversation about where the relationship is going and the state of both of your finances (because if and when you marry him, his financial issues become yours to some extent).

      • AIMS

        You can get enagaged without an engagement ring, period. Co-sign this advice 100%.

      • Flying Squirrel

        This. Though take this with a grain of salt, since I’m someone who did not want an engagement ring. Assuming that it’s legitimately a financial issue, then I would argue that it’s your expectations for an e-ring are part of the problem. A diamond ring is not a requirement for getting engaged or getting married. A commitment from both people in a relationship is. If you really want a ring and a whole “surprise” proposal (in quotes b/c it’s not like you would say no or aren’t kind of expecting one), then you can either work with your SO to figure a way to afford it on your timeline or wait.

        If your concern, however, is that you’re not really sure if he wants to get married, that’s a much bigger issue that you need to discuss. And there’s no right answer. My now DH was ready to get married almost two years before I was. He waited, but he didn’t have to. And due to biology, I do think it’s harder for women to wait then men. I think it’s totally reasonable that you know for sure you don’t want to wait more than X months/years…and you need to have an honest conversation with your SO about what that means for your future.

      • L

        Cosign. Ring doesn’t equal engagement and wedding doesn’t equal marriage. You can do both without either expense if you so choose. The end goal is really what’s important.

    • KinCA

      I’m in that in-between, awkward, waiting to get engaged phase as well, and I hear you. We’ve been dating 2.5 years and my boyfriend is the same age as yours (I’m a few years younger).

      He has said that we’ll be engaged by next spring, and mentally I’ve given him until next summer to propose (I know that purchasing a ring/planning a proposal can take time). Fortunately, finances aren’t an issue, but we have had a lot of other personal & professional things that we’ve needed to accomplish or get out of the way before a proposal could become a reality.

      I stumbled upon the book “His Cold Feet” on Amazon and while some of it was super corny, I also found parts of it really helpful, particularly some of the “scripts” it provides for talking about engagement with your (sometimes gun shy) SO. It’s made broaching the subject with him a lot easier.

      Since reading the book, I have communicated my expectations to him regarding when I’d like a proposal to happen and then have let it go (no nagging, no asking , etc), and it’s worked really well. He appears much more comfortable with the topic of marriage and has said we’ll go look at rings before year end. The other night, he even brought up the subject of getting married and planning a wedding on his own, which has never happened before. I think communicating your expectations, making sure you’re on the same page, and then dropping the subject (as hard as it can be sometimes) is crucial.

    • Anne Shirley

      Have you told him you just want to be married to him, and that you’d happily accept a proposal with a cracker jack ring? Is that true?

      • Anon TJ -- want the ring!

        Thanks everyone! I agree — since bringing it up I really don’t want to discuss it more — I kind of start to feel pathetic and I don’t want to ruin the surprise, the moment, etc. I want it to happen as organically as possible and not because he knows I want him to propose by a certain date. That said, I brought it up because I am realistic (not everything is a fairy tale) and because I wanted a say in the timeline of my life (wanting to a youngish bride, want kids, want to have a year or two of marriage before it’s necessary to have kids, etc.) Also, my dad is sick and the fact that he may not be well forever (risk he may have to take substantial meds if the condition comes back) makes me want to enjoy important life events when he is around to enjoy them fully.

        As far as the ring goes, I want a nice one, but certainly nothing extravagent — I just want a solitaire a little over a caret, not sure how much those cost. That said, I’d rather be engaged sooner with a 500 dollar band and wait a few years to upgrade than wait a few years so that I could get engaged with a nicer ring. I think the worst would be him getting a smaller ring that was significantly more than 500 but was one that I didn’t love. But yes, I do want a nice ring. I think I’d be a little insulted if it wasn’t.

        • V

          If I were in your shoes, and this were the man I loved and wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, especially if I had a sick parent (or even a parent with a scare), I would (for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer) tell him that I couldn’t bear to be without him as a husband for a minute longer and just get married already (or accept that it may not go my way, pick up the pieces, and get on with my life).

          I don’t do limbo well. I wouldn’t endure limbo for the sake of some d*mn ring. If you do marry, it will be all y’all’s money anyway and you have the rest of your lives to spend it.

        • Anon

          How organic is it really going to be if he is proposing because you asked him to, with a ring you have asked for, in a size and style you requested? Nothing wrong with that, if those things are important you, but don’t kid yourself that you can direct everything to your liking and also have it be organic.

        • Anne Shirley

          Eh, my parents have been happily married for 35 years. My father gave my mother a tiny sub 1/4 carat ring 36 years ago. And his kidney, 1 year ago. I’ve always kind of figured if you’re ready to be married, you do it then, with the funds available to you at the time. And since getting married is a serious decision, I’ve never understood the appeal of it being a surprise.

          • L

            +1.

            Even if you know it’s going to happen, it doesn’t detract from the fact that this person loves you and wants to spend the rest of their life with you. No piece of jewelry says that.

          • anonymama

            That is lovely.

            One of the most romantic engagement ring stories I have heard is a couple that got married young and poor, and 50 years later they had their big anniversary party, they had done quite well and the wife was glittering with diamonds, but on her wedding ring finger she still wore, and cherished, the teeny tiny diamond that her husband had given her when they were first engaged.

        • KLG

          I wouldn’t worry too much about the organic thing. My now DH and I put down on a deposit on a wedding venue 4 months before we were “officially” engaged. We knew we wanted to get married and wanted to have a fall wedding because we have big families that we celebrate everything with (so a courthouse ceremony/destination wedding/etc was not for us) so we went ahead and booked it sans ring/”will you marry me?” Just a discussion that we wanted to be together forever and had a mutual vision for a wedding. We kept that fairly quiet though until he had time to get a ring. His “proposal” surprised the heck out of me a few months later. Gorgeous ring, gorgeous place, down on one knee, the whole 9 yards of traditional, romantic proposals. I totally feel like I got the best of both worlds in that we had a reasoned discussion about marriage and agreed to get married and then I still got a surprise proposal.

          • Baconpancakes

            I like this. The decision to get married should be shared, but if you’re going to have a shiny ring (I know I want one, although I do want lab grown or recycled gems), I love the idea of the surprise proposal, one knee, etc. It takes the pressure off, and makes it more of a big gift presentation/declaration of love, and makes it a real surprise.

          • a

            Aren’t you officially engaged the moment you both decide, and communicate to each other, that you want to marry each other?

    • Anonymous

      Oh I’m sorry, coming from someone in a similar position this is a really difficult place to be in your relationship. At 5 months ago, had you and your boyfriend discussed marriage previously? Or was this the first time you ever discussed a timeline for marriage? Because if you hadn’t discussed it, maybe he didn’t know it was on the horizon/in the plan so he hadn’t even thought of getting engaged anytime soon. In that case, I would say that 9 months isn’t very long to save up for a ring (if that’s what you want). Personally I’d be happy with just a 500 ring. My sister got a nice sapphire ring at an estate sale for 650. If you had previously discussed marriage and he’s put it off all along, then I would say your 9 month deadline is reasonable. If he knew you wanted to get married and get engaged all along during your relationship, he should’ve been preparing for this.

    • Lia

      Has he said how long he does need? Can he give you a firm drop dead date so that if it comes and goes you know this probably isn’t going to happen?

    • Anon ring

      Do you love him and want to marry him? If so, can you not do the proposing?

      Could saving for a ring be a red herring (easier to say that then that he either doesn’t want to be married or doesn’t want to get married to you).

    • Anon for this

      Obviously you can get engaged/married without rings, but I’m operating under the assumption that you want a diamond ring and he wants to give you one.

      What are your and his expectations about what an engagement ring should be? If you want a large diamond, then it’s understandable that he’ll need more time to save for that. My DH wanted to pay for my ring in cash, and he was trying to save for a 2+ carat stone. While I would love a huge diamond, once I understood what his thinking was I was able to tell him that I would prefer to be engaged/married than have a huge stone. This sped the process up.

      FWIW, my DH and I were together for many years before getting engaged (happily, no pressure to get married) and then when I decided that I was ready I was laserbeam focused on it and it look a year before we got engaged (so he could save). It was torture, so I hear you. I think you need to change your mindset a little: 1) your SO obviously wants to marry you otherwise he wouldn’t be saving for a ring, and 2) figure out what is important to you (and him) in terms of a ring. There is a lot of competition these days about engagement rings, and it’s not just pressure that women face.

      • Anon ring

        Do we know that the guy has said “I will propose as soon as I have saved up for the ring of your dreams [which is do-able]”?

        Have they really talked about the two of them getting married someday, what sort of ring she wants, etc.? Is it a when of when or is it still a question of if?

        • Anon TJ -- want the ring!

          Thanks again everyone, I am really feeling the love!

          When I brought it up 5 months ago, it was the first time — at least in a serious at all manner. I guess I thought 9 months was an amount of time that if he was serious about marrying me he’d make getting a ring a priority and would be able to do so but if he had doubts or simply didn’t want too, it wouldn’t happen. I suppose I was trying to force his hand, does he really want it or not? Maybe 9 months was not realistic. I know he’s discussed marrying me with his friends and he has told me he wants to marry me. He has an idea of what I want. I think he feels a lot of pressure to get me a nice ring (my friends have nice (huge) rings though I’ve told him I thought that much $$ for a ring was not worth it and I work in biglaw so he knows I’m around people with a lot of money). I don’t know. Maybe for myself if I had a 9 month deadline to do something I really wanted to do it, I’d work like hell to make it happen.

          • Flying Squirrel

            I’m sorry if this comes off as snarky, but I think you may be overly fixating on the ring. I don’t know your financial situation, but if your SO needs 9 months to save up for a ring (especially one that you’ve made clear doesn’t need to be huge), then maybe a ring isn’t the best use of your resources at this point. Weddings can be expensive. Obviously they don’t have to be, but I’m assuming if you want a traditional ring you want a somewhat traditional wedding. And kids in a couple of years are also expensive. I really think that once you are married (or even in the midst of picking out your wedding dress and planning everything else), you will stop caring so much about the ring itself and way more about your life together. I guess my point is that I understand that it would be great to get a ring you love on a timeline that allows you to have the life you want. But that’s often no feasible.

            DH and I thought we timed many things correctly. But it took us three years and tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatments (this was with very good insurance coverage) to finally get pregnant with our first. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t want what you want, but if finances are getting in the way of your ideal situation, you need to decide which of the less than ideal alternatives you are most comfortable with. For me it would be definitely getting married ASAP, but YMMV.

          • Bee

            Ending a 3 year relationship because you’re ready to commit and he isn’t is 100% reasonable. Ending a 3 year relationship because dude didn’t make it a top priority to get you a super fancy piece of jewelry (yes, 1+ carat is super fancy) within a given time period that you imposed on him, not so much. You can’t equate his inability to save for a piece of jewelry with his unwillingness to commmit; that’s not fair to him. If you want to know if he’s ready to commit, remove the potential “excuse” of the ring.

          • Anon for this

            I think seriously discussing marriage for the first time and springing a 9 month deadline on him is a bit unfair to him, honestly. Especially if you say that his finances aren’t the best. Just a very quick search on Blue Nile shows that a 1 carat diamond with very good but not “perfect” qualities is roughly 9k. Could your SO save that much in a 9 month period and still maintain his lifestyle?

            And I do agree that you should think about spending a lot of money on a ring and waiting to get engaged/married, or getting a less expensive ring now and having that money for a wedding/marriage. I’m not one to discourage someone from getting a pretty ring, but there does become a point where the engagement ring is less meaningful relative to other things.

          • TBK

            I’m really not understanding the ring thing. Can’t you guys talk about it and agree that you’re going to get married, and then do the ring bit later? I mean, what’s driving you crazy is that you want to know if this is the guy you’re going to spend your life with, right? Not that you won’t know what kind of ring you’re getting? So can’t you two talk about it and agree you’re getting married, then maybe set a longer timeline (maybe 2 years) until the wedding if you want to do a ring and a big wedding and all that? My husband proposed over a bowl of chili at a dive restaurant, but I do sort of get the wanting the whole proposal thing. But usually by that point couples have talked marriage and it’s not really a surprise that he’s asking. So can’t you agree that you’re getting married, then he can arrange a little fun surprise to actually give you the ring?

            I agree with other commenters who say you seem to be fixated on the ring. And, yeah, 1+ carat is big — not sure what your guy does for a living, and whether you care about the quality of the diamond in addition to size, but that size could mean a daunting price even for a guy with a solid six-figure income. You want this person you love to buy you this thing, and you seem to be banking both your futures on his ability to provide it, but you admit that you have no idea what it might cost. What is it that this ring symbolizes to you because it seems like you’re making it much bigger than any ring really should be. It seems like you see his wilingness to sacrifice to save for the ring is proof of his love for you, but you haven’t investigated how much of a sacrifice it is you’re asking of him. Frankly, I’d be wary too, if I were him.

            Find out if he wants to marry YOU. Deal with the ring and everything else after. I’m 100% behind breaking up with someone because you’re ready for a life commitment and he isn’t. But I just feel like the ring business is clouding everything.

    • Ella

      Not to be completely snarky but…

      Get engaged now with a ring that you can afford now or no ring at all?

      A huge diamond is not a requirement for engagement.

    • TBK

      What does the ring have to do with it? You can get engaged without a ring. We were engaged five months before mine was ready. We were still engaged (and would have been even if there had been no ring).

    • Looking at this through his eyes

      If I were a guy, I don’t think I’d like to be told that I have 9 months to propose with a ring to someone’s liking (and if it’s not, then it will be insulting).

      That convo was 5 months ago and if it is 4 months to the deadline and *nothing has happened*, I am guessing that being painted into a corner has really backfired. A proposal bring the whole thing to a head in a positive way, but this brings it to a head in a way that may have left a bad taste in his mouth.

      There may not be a way to unring this bell, but I’d want to know, if I were you, whether the man I loved enough to marry felt the same way about me (today; not whether he might come to feel that way in the future). I’d just start with with that, which is something positive for him to hear. If he doesn’t, you have your answer. And you might be pleasantly surprised.

    • Walnut

      We dated six years before getting married. Around year three we had a conversation discussing the future of the relationship. I was ready to get married, but he very honestly admitted that he wasn’t. He felt we were still in a transitional period in our lives and wasn’t ready to make that committment. After some soul searching, I decided the relationship was worth waiting on and I never brought up the conversation again.

    • jlf

      I know this is late, so you might not see this, but when I wanted to be engaged, I told my now-husband and then I bought a ring that I liked and he reimbursed me for it later. You sound like you might be more romantic than I am, so I don’t know if this would work as a solution for you.

  24. KinCA

    Any thoughts on how tall riding boots are supposed to fit? I’ve noticed that mine will fit fine (or maybe slightly large, but not anything unwearable) in the calf, but will sag or have extra room around the ankles. I’ve tried on probably 7-8 different pairs so far this season, across a variety of price ranges, and all of them are slightly wrinkly or baggy in the ankle area.

    Are they supposed to fit perfectly sleekly, like I imagine in my head, or is some room around the ankle normal and I need to get used to it?

    • Amberwitch

      I hate that. But most of my tall boots have too much room in the ankle, making the ankle forefoot look clumpy and un-streamlined. I’ve resigned to it if the rest of the boot is sufficiently appealing.

    • hr girl

      It depends on how the boot is made. I have some that are very firm/stiff and hold their shape throughout the ankle (my preference), and others (that seem to be cheaper boots) that are loose/wrinkly at the ankle.

      • Orangerie

        This. I’d add that it also depends on the style of the boot – do you just pull it on or is there a zipper going up the entire inside? The latter is more likely to be fitted through ankles because you need less room to wiggle your foot through.

  25. Anon

    Hi everyone:

    A good friend is running (swimming/biking) her first Ironman soon. I’d like to get her something to acknowledge the accomplishment (others in her family have also run Ironmans, ultras, etc., but this is her first). Any suggestions? She has a lot of gear, I was thinking something more along the lines of a gift certificate for a massage? Bottle of champagne? I would want to vomit (or die) after doing something like that, so I’m kind of lost as to what is appropriate. Or, if there is any cool gear that you think is cool to have that she might not already have, let me know (for example, she gave me my Road Id that I totally love).

    Thanks!

    • Equity's Darling

      A massage sounds great, but it might also be nice to get her a keyfob or necklace off Etsy that commemmorates the ironman? I’ve been eyeing them to celebrate future running achievements- I’ll post some links

    • IM girl

      As someone who has done multiple Ironmans, I would most love to get a massage or a pedicure after the race. The races and are expensive so a lot of times those little splurges have to go on the back burner, but would be so appreciated in the weeks after.
      Or a gift certificate for meal delivery or take out. The first few days after the race can be excruciating and if she is like most of us, she has been consumed with training/race planning and will come home to an empty fridge and no plan for meals the day or two after.

      • Wildkitten

        +100 I’ve only done half marathons and all I want to do afterwards is eat everything and get a massage.

    • Maddie Ross

      My husband got me a sports massage after my first marathon. It honestly hurt like he**, but I felt wonderful afterwards. I would highly recommend.

  27. Ashley

    Why oh why does J. Crew think ratty bedhead and casual shoes make this look work? I can’t take J. Crew seriously. I know, I know, many of you adore their clothes, but I find their ads offensive.

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