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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Stripe Structured Flounce Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. j-crew-nordstrom-peplum-stripesI was surprised recently when I realized how many J.Crew pieces Nordstrom carries — they'd carried sister brand Madewell pieces for a while, but I hadn't seen J.Crew stuff there before in any great numbers. (Although Net-a-Porter has sold J.Crew stuff for years! It's also interesting to note that this top isn't available at JCrew.com.) This top struck me as fun for both the workweek and the weekend — I love the bits where the stripes go in different directions (the peplum flounce, the cuff on the sleeves), and it seems like a nice crisp navy, if that makes sense — perfect for wearing with black, as pictured. It's $59, still available in sizes M-XL. J.Crew Stripe Structured Flounce Top Looking for something similar in plus sizes? City Chic and Eloquii both have a ton of options. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

295 Comments

    1. I love J. Crew! I wonder if they will make them with VERTICLE stripes, so that I can wear it? Dad says I look wide with HORIZONTAL stripes, but NOT verticle stripes. There is a J Crew on Madison and 45th or so, so I can go by there on my way home and ask. Is any one in the HIVE aware of VERTICLE dresses like this?

  3. Anyone whose been through pet loss, did you have mixed feelings when it came to getting another pet? We said goodbye to our old dog a month ago. My husband and I both took it hard and grieved a lot that first week. Then our grief took different paths. He’s more or less better while I am totally fine for days at a time and then really emotional about the most random thing that reminds me of her. I think initially, he took it so hard that I was stronger to help him out and didn’t really do all of my grieving. I think I’m still catching up.

    We both really miss having a dog and have decided to get another one. We are doing this faster than we expected because a really good opportunity arose. We will be rescuing this dog middle of October when she graduates a training program she’s in. There are a lot of personal details that would explain why this one is meant to be. She is a different breed from our old dog, so we aren’t just looking for a clone.

    I was super excited and happy about getting the new dog. Yesterday, however, I was just hit with this big mix of emotions. I was thinking of all the things I will do with this dog, some that I did with my old dog, and just really overcome with emotion about never doing those things again with my old dog. It was triggered by learning that the new dog will need the same rx food as our old dog. I felt like this was all just normal grief and good to feel it now rather than when the new dog gets here.

    My husband got really worried about me though being so upset a month later and worried that maybe we acted too soon on the new dog and I will resent it or not bond with it or not do activities that remind me of the old dog. I really don’t think this will be an issue. I can be sad about old dog and happy about new dog at the same time and I don’t think a month is too long to still be grieving. He’s concerned because I seem sad frequently. I’m normally just an overly perky optimistic person. While I am sad at times, its more that I’m normal rather than perky. I spend all day perky at work. Sometimes I just need to be sad when I get home. I’ve only cried 2 times in the last 2 weeks and been choked up maybe another 2. I think that’s in the realm of normal and not indicative that I need therapy or anything like that.

    So – people who have been through pet loss, does this all sound normal? Were you a mix of happy / sad when it came to getting the next pet?

    2. I don’t see anything wrong with getting a new pet quickly. Of course it’s normal to feel happy and sad. You’re not replacing your dog. The heart is perfectly capable of loving many, many things at the same time. I just lost my dog (she was 15), and I do plan on getting another dog. I’m waiting a few months, not because of grieving, but because things are crazy at work and I have to travel a lot.

      I actually wish I had a dog right now. I miss my Annie more than I can say, and I think it would make me feel better to snuggle something furry.

    3. I think it’s absolutely normal. As with the loss of a human, there are a lot of ways that people move through grief, and so long as that grief eventually moderates in some respects, it’s normal to process it…however you process it.

      I also got a new dog much more quickly than I expected to. I am a 100% bona fide crazy dog lady and LOVE my new dog like an insane person, but there are still, over a year later, times that I think about my old dog and am so, so sad – particularly because my old dog had a pretty hard life before he became my dog. I got my current dog as a puppy and sometimes when I was doing crazy puppy stuff with him, I’d think about how my old dog was chained up and abused during those puppy times and just feel awful about the life he didn’t have. And I miss him. He was such a good snuggler…my current dog is too hyperactive for snuggling.

      In fact, I’m sad right now at my desk thinking about my old dog – I loved him, and you loved your last dog, and yes, you can be over-the-moon happy about one and still sad about the other, at the same time.

    4. Yes, it all sounds very normal. The fact that you are still grieving your old dog doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision to get a new dog. You can absolutely be happy and excited about your new pup while still grieving and sad about the loss of your first dog. A month is nothing in terms of grief. Sometimes I still get a little choked up when I think about my family dog, who died when I was 19. I’m 33. If you were crying all day every day, I would encourage you to seek therapy, but what you are describing in terms of occasional sad moments sounds totally normal to me, even months or years after the pet has passed away.

      1. And I’m very very sorry for your loss. I hope your new dog brings you lots of happiness and love!

    5. I’m so sorry, losing a furry family member is so very hard.

      yes it sounds normal. I lost my elderly boxer in October of 13 and a new rescue came into my world in November. I just had a facebook memory of my old girl come up and am still filled with sad though more fleeting now. I love my new wiggle butt with all my heart but grief is grief.

    6. It always took me longer than a month to get over losing a pet and at least six months to be ready for a new one.

      If you’re not ready for a new pet but miss having an animal in your life, have you looked into temporary pet care options – for example – our local police force recently launched a program to provide temporary homes for pets in domestic violence situations. Not being able to take their animals with them to a shelter is apparently a reason that many women stay in DV situations, the new program involves fostering for 6-8 weeks at a time (the average length of stay at the local DV shelter). A nice way to have a pet in your life without having the long term commitment/same type of attachment with as your old pet when you may not be ready for that.

    7. Thank you all for your responses. It’s always helpful to hear an outside perspective.

      1. YES. I had the same emotions. We ended up getting another dog one week later, when we were still crying/grieving over the loss. We just missed her presence so much and had more love to give and wanted to get another one. I have to say, each person reacts differently, but getting a new dog from a shelter who just wanted to play and love and cuddle was the best possible thing for us. She didn’t know we were replacing another dog – she just wanted to be THE dog in our lives. And she was, within weeks. We still have pics of our old dog all around our house and miss her, but the really tough grief was alleviated a lot by a new bundle of bouncing pup joy.

    8. I’m sorry for your loss, and I think your emotions are completely normal. My parents adopted a puppy when they were first married, and he was that special, “once in a lifetime” dog for my mother. She still tears up occasionally when she recalls stories about him, 30 years after his death. That amazing bond didn’t stop her from loving and bonding with our next family pet who, for complicated reasons, unexpectedly came to our family a few months after the first dog’s death even though neither of my parents wanted another pet so soon.

      1. Yes, this. My mom does rescue actually and there have been 100’s of dogs in her life. But she still reminisces and occasionally tears up (and still has the collar of) her german shepherd that dies 30 years ago. I think it was partly that she had the dog as a single person prior to even meeting my father and the dog went through a lot of transitions with her. It’s also about the memories from that time that are very intertwined with that dog.

        1. OP here. This is a huge part of it for me. We got the old rescue dog as a pup when we first married, right out of college. She’s been with us through huge career changes, law school, moves, different friends. She was an integral part of the life we built together. We got a cat too a few months prior to the dog and we still have him which is nice. I think he wants another furry friend too.

          I’m already involved in animal rescue and there are a variety of reasons why I don’t think foster is right for our situation (the cat being one of them). I’m excited to share our love and knowledge of this new rescue dog’s particular needs and have her be part of this next chapter of our lives. I get that it doesn’t erase the first chapter. They all build on each other.

    9. we didn’t lose a pet to death, but we did have to rehome one. I grieved for MONTHS, and this dog (a) wasn’t dead (b) had pretty significant behavioral issues that escalated when we had kids resulting in the rehoming and (c) went to a good home, with someone we know and trust and who loves the dog like crazy.

      It got better, but it took me a good 6 months before I stopped crying over it (at random times). A mix of missing the dog, feeling like we’d failed the dog, feeling like we were “those people” that had kids and kicked the dog to the curb, feeling like we’d dumped a problem dog on someone…ugh. I thought very, very hard about getting a new dog a month or two after we rehomed. Truely, if it weren’t that the adopting place near us has crazy requirements we couldn’t meet at the time, we’d have gotten another dog (fully fenced yard, 6′ fence, contractual obligation to feed dog all organic food and take to naturalistic doc, home visit for all homes with kids under 12, etc etc). I really missed the *presence* of a dog. But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I got pregnant and a new dog + 2 kids + pregnancy would have driven me crazy.

      1. It sounds like what you did was selfless and brave. It was what the dog needed and what your family needed. Trying to force everyone to stay together for your own conscience wouldn’t be fair. You didn’t return your dog to the shelter without explanation or had him euthanized. You made it work. You did awesome.

        1. I agree completely with this. You did right by your family and by your dog.

          to the OP: We recently had to put our old dog to sleep and it hit me much harder than I thought it would. He was the dog we got together in college and has been with us through moves, law school, career changes, and kids. I still grieve for him from time to time (and have his collar on our bookshelf), but our puppies (we rescued two…) bring so much joy to our lives. This sounds totally normal.

    10. My comment is stuck in moderation–don’t know why!

      But I just wanted to say, everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal. I recently lost my dog of 15 years, so I get it. Honestly, I would get another dog today if I could, but my work schedule right now is crazy. But I miss my Annie, and I think I would feel a lot better if I could snuggle something furry right now.

      1. Do it if you can. When we lost our dog of 15 years, we got another one – while still crying – the next week. Best decision we ever made. She lights up our lives as much as our old dog – differently, but just as much.

    11. I think this is normal. We had to put down my 17 year old dog last year, and for a long time the idea of getting another one felt like that meant I thought the first one was replaceable. Then I realized that my desire to have another dog was in a lot of ways was honoring his memory. I ended up getting another dog a lot sooner than I expected, and I don’t feel so conflicted about this anymore. I think your feelings are normal and it just takes time.

    12. After our kitty died, we thought we’d wait awhile to get another pet. We were at the shelter a week later. Coming home to an empty house just made the grief so much worse. I really think that the new furbabies helped us recover from the loss.

      1. This times a million. I missed the sounds of puppy paws, doggie snores, and the weight shift of feeling the dog get into bed with you. The first few nights my “new” pup slept near my head I think she knew I was grieving.

    13. We rescued a dog back in December, and he’s a completely different breed from the dog I grew up with (the dog I grew up with passed away three years ago), and I still get little hits of the sads thinking about the dog I grew up with when I’m doing certain things with our dog, because while he’s a totally different dog from the little guy I grew up with, there are times that things are the same, or times that my dog now reacts differently than the dog I grew up with, and I just find myself thinking about the dog I grew up with and missing him. I’m also 100% head over heels for the dog we have now (to the point where I get good-naturedly mocked for how seriously I take my “dog mom” responsibilities), and I don’t think I’m any less of a good pet owner for sometimes, occasionally, missing another dog.

      What you’re experiencing is normal, and, at least to me, it’s not a sign you won’t love your new pet any less. If you feel otherwise ready to give this new dog a home (and it sounds like new dog needs someone like you – RX food and had to go through a training program before being adoptable = probably not first on most people’s “let’s take this one!” list), don’t let your grief stop you. Yes, you will grieve the dog you lost – possibly (probably), intermittently, for a really long time – but I don’t think it means you don’t have room in your heart for a new dog.

    14. Sending you a big hug from an internet stranger who’s in the same boat. We lost our family dog of nine years suddenly and unexpectedly this summer. I’ve had pets before but this loss hit me like no other, and our entire family has been a mess about it ever since (I have a spouse and three kids). We waffle between wanting a new dog and feeling like we can never love another pet again. I’m still not sure what to do, but know that there is no “right” answer or one-size-fits-all situation.

    15. I haven’t been through this personally (meaning I haven’t lost a pet of my own), but have lost family pets – I assume it’s different when it’s your own.

      But, I wanted to recommend a lovely book on the subject – Maurice Sendak’s Higglety Piggelty Pop! I bought it for my son, and after the fact realized that despite its children’s book label, it is actually a book written about the loss of his terrier, Jennie. It’s a sweet book, and the illustrations are wonderful, and knowing the backstory only makes it sweeter, IMO.

    16. I’m so sorry you lost your friend. It is so hard.

      I thought I was OK, then we went to look at kittens and I bawled like a crazy person the whole time we were at the pet place (a rescue place, not a pet store). I’m going back this weekend not to adopt yet but to see how I do and play with some sweet babies!

      Good luck. I think it’s like a marriage and when you are ready, you will know.

    17. My family lost our dog of 12 years on December 1st- he was old and sick and my parents decided it was time to put him down. He was my dad’s best friend, probably even more than my mom, tbh. I loved him to death, as did my mom and brother. But my dad took it so hard- he retired, and he and the Skip-man would spend every day together. My parents didn’t have a dog over the winter, and in April, they adopted a puppy. (For the record, I’m tearing up at work even writing about this, there are still moments I see a picture of him or when I go home that I miss him terribly). My dad is doing so much better now; he and Marty go to the dog park once or twice a day. I know my dad still misses Skipper, and it definitely took a few months for him to not feel like he’d be “replacing” Skip.

      And it’s normal- it’s so hard to lose a pet. I took it as hard as I would losing a family member, honestly. I saw him last at Thanksgiving, and was on a break from class when my dad called me. I burst into hysterical tears, went back into class (small class- it was a law school clinic), grabbed my things and left partway through after barely getting through that my dog had died to the 8 people in the room. I cried so hard I couldn’t cry that night and barely made it into my internship the next morning. My boss took one look at me and took me to coffee.

    18. It took my spouse and I about 6 months (after losing our 10 year old we’d had for 9 years) before we were ready to get a new dog. It was great to have a new pet, but it also brought up a lot of memories of the old dog. We chose to embrace it and talk about how different their personalities were or how they slept different, and it helped me feel like we weren’t forgetting our old dog, or replacing her, but just moving forward and rescuing a dog who needed us.

  4. I love this. I’m always cold and my workplace is freezing so this wouldn’t work for me because I don’t think there’s really a way to layer a sweater or jacket over it. But if I could wear short sleeves without a top layer, I would definitely purchase it.

  5. Happy fall everyone!

    Heading into the new season, I feel like I need a refresh in so many areas- my closet, my makeup, my home decor? Mostly my closet/makeup, to be honest, I feel like my “look” is a bit tired.

    What are your favourite ways to refresh and reset for the seasons changing?

    1. If you wear fragrance, it’s nice to have a spring/summer scent and a different fall/winter scent. Scent can do so much for your personal mood, even if it’s very light and others can’t even smell it. I also have a spring/summer bag and a fall/winter bag. I make the change whenever the weather shifts.

      1. NO TO SCENTS! NO SCENTS EVERRRRRRRR!!!!

        Can we declare a moratorium on scents from 6am to 6pm? THANKS.

        1. + a gazillion. Because we’re talking fragrance make that grrrrrrzillion.
          (The right to live free from allergy symptoms up to & including asthma outweighs the right to olfactory self-expression.)

      2. YEAAAAAAS. I ended up growing mini pumpkin vines in my backyard (fall out from the compost barrel) and I am ALL CAPS excited about growing my own minis!

      3. I’m all over this! I grew mini pumpkins too and they are awesome. And I go way over the top and don’t give a d@mn what anyone says because it makes me happy. my kids like it and my husband tolerates it, I think because he knows it makes me so happy. He was just explaining to our new au pair how last weekend marked the beginning of the 6 month transformation our house undergoes every year from the beginning of fall (mid-Sept) through Easter (or usually late April). I freaking love it!

        1. I WANT to be over the top too! Nothing makes me happier than a fully decorated house – but I feel like I can’t ever execute FULL decorations. I have a reasonably well done mantle, and a really cool centerpiece, how do I fill in the rest of the hosue?? Tips please!

          1. If you have the budget you can do different throw pillows and throws for each season (pier 1 is good for this).We also have 4 different door wreaths we rotate through each year – a fresh one at christmas of course.

    4. I always decorate my porch–nothing too crazy or pinterest-y but I do mums in the fall and a seasonal wreath–and usually buy an accessory or two that can help my outfits feel more current. So far for fall I’ve purchased these burgundy velvet block heel pumps and I love them! They feel well constructed for the price. Link in reply.

    5. I make sure all my fall clothes – sweaters, heavier skirts and dresses, boots, etc. are all ready to go. If anything smells funky I wash it, and if I need to buy some new pieces I get them. I usually scope my favorite retailers for new coats, sweaters, hats, etc. so I can snap things up when they go on sale.

      This year I’ll probably make a point of putting spring and summer clothing into storage as well, so my closet isn’t too cluttered with clothing I won’t want to wear until April.

      I also order fall fragrances from Bath and Body Works, and take out anything I have leftover from last fall. But this morning I realized my autumnal body mists were nowhere to be found! I’m a little annoyed about that, I’m sure I thought I was being clever when I put them away, but I guess I wasn’t *that* clever!

      I look up new recipes for fun fall drinks and treats. I found a great one for apple cider mimosas this morning, and my friends and I are going to go apple picking and make some apple cinnamon sangria in a couple weeks.

      I get some mums for my balcony, and this year I planted bulbs for spring as well! I’ll put some pumpkins out there in October.

    6. Shoe trends have changed pretty dramatically in the past year or two. Block heels, no more round toes, ankle straps, strings all over the d!mn place. If you haven’t updated your shoes lately that’s a good place to start.

      Makeup seems to have stagnated slightly. Mattes are in, bold dark lips (though idk if that’s work-appropriate), super fine or minimal eye liner. I’ve been seeing some copper and cranberry combinations, which is interested but doesn’t work all that well with my skin tone.

    7. I switch out my candles and hand soaps to fall (or whatever season it is) scents. I have a bit of a candle problem. My favorites are Bath & Body Works leaves and autumn day. I’ve been burning them for a few weeks because I’ve been totally over summer and fall is my favorite season.

  6. We are going to get a cat for the first time from the local animal shelter. Does anyone have any tips for picking the right cat for our lifestyle? We are laidback people who tend to stay in a lot, although we might leave the cat behind for weekend trips. It would be nice to get a cat that can take care of itself to some extent, but that also likes to cuddle when we are there. How can you assess these things when you’re at the shelter and what questions can you ask?

    1. Ask where the cat came from. Unless you’re experienced and dedicated, do not adopt a cat that has previously been feral.

      1. +1. The cat we adopted was 2 years old and had lived in a home with a family who had to move out of state and couldn’t keep her (at least that’s what the shelter told us, but it seems to be true). She was clearly used to living with people and knew how to use a litter box. She has been perfect for us!

      2. Definitely ask the shelter what its policy is with regard to feral cats. My local shelter has a “working cats program” where they only adopt out feral cats to potential owners who can show the cat will have a “job.” Basically they don’t adopt out feral cats to families, apartment owners, etc. They want to know the cat will be living on a farm or somewhere else it’s unique attributes will be good for the owner.

        1. I wish they had a program like that in my area. A friend of a friend has some rodent issues at his farm – they’re getting into the feed for the goats and chickens. He called around to local animal shelters to see if he could get some feral cats from one of their trap and release program. Everyone refused him.

          1. If you are willing to share your area, I might be able to scare up some feral cats for you. I have lots of friends who TNR and are always looking for barn homes for feral cats.

          2. Thanks, CountC, I think he might’ve finally gotten some cats from a neighboring farm but I’ll ask our mutual friend.

    2. We’ve got rescue dogs and we went through a rescue group where the pets lived in foster homes. If you can find a cat that has been is a foster home, you might have better insight into the cat’s personality. That being said, it’s not always 100% accurate for predictions. It can take a while for any animal to adjust when moving into a new place, so don’t panic if the cat’s really skittish or sky those first few weeks.

    3. Are you getting a kitten or an older cat? One cat or more than one? It’s really key to jut meet the cat and see how you get along. The right cat will pick you. I ended up with my guy because he crawled up my arm and fell asleep on my shoulder.

      I would not say that you want a cat that you can leave alone for a weekend trip. First, it’s just a good idea to have someone check in on the cat at least daily. Cats are small so their systems are pretty fragile; they can go from fine to life-threateningly ill in 24 hours. Second, a shelter probably isn’t going to let you adopt a cat if you say you’ll leave it along over an entire weekend on a fairly regular basis. Go into it knowing that some shelters can be really crazy; like they want you to be a SAHM to an animal. You hear about it mostly with dogs, but some are like that with cats too. Along those lines, you don’t plan to let the cat outside ever under any circumstances not even on your enclosed porch.

    4. Just wanted to add that we would like to get an older cat (I have my eye on one from the shelter website that is 7). Thanks for the responses so far!

      1. 7 is a great age. They still play but any destructive kitten tendencies are gone and they still have a long life ahead of them.

      2. Ah this is great! Older cats are so wonderful, and you will be able to see what they’re like.

        I’m sexist — I like boy cats much more than girl cats. I think they’re mellower and less likely to spite-pee. But I’m just generalizing from my experience.

        Would you consider two, especially if the shelter has a bonded pair? Two cats is definitely not twice as much work, because they help take care of one another (socially/emotionally) but it is pricier for vet/litter/etc.

    5. If you are getting a cat that is being kept in a room with 15 other cats remember that every single animal is on edge in there. You wouldn’t be happy living in a house with 15 people, so why would the cat be? The best indicator, coming from someone who has volunteered in the cat division of a shelter, is typically when you go in the room and just sit down. Some cats with immediately want to be in your lap, and some cats will never approach you. Just go in and sit down calmly. Don’t go in with a lot of outside energy, just sort of sit, and maybe talk with each other. Let the cats approach on their own without coaxing. There is really know way to know if a cat will be cool on their own for a weekend until you try it out. But if a wound up cat is willing to approach you, then that’s a good sign it is a cuddler. Also go in multiple times. Every cat has an on and off day. I would recommend no – kill shelters or non-SPCA/city shelters for cats specifically because although those organizations are great, a lot of “fancier” shelters have some sort of “homestay” or “sleepover” program. This is AMAZING with cats, because most take a while to warm up to you, so after a week at home you can really tell if it is a good fit or not. I feel like it is easier to get to know if a dog is a good fit in an hour or two, just because you can typically tell energy levels and such pretty quickly. Cats are just more difficult to get to know. Also +1 to no feral cats. In general, a good way to tell is usually by how they play. Feral and street cats play to kill, hoome cats play to play. You’ll know when you see it.

    6. Crazy cat lady here. Don’t get a kitten. You will not know a cat’s personality based on how they act as a kitten.

      Some cats are basically self-cleaning dogs. That is my favorite kind of cat. They are sweet and loyal and come sit with you and snuggle and come when you call (most of the time). Mine even plays fetch. Then there are the stereotypical aloof cats who just kind of do their own thing and come out of the other room occasionally to see what’s going on and then go back to their cat business. We have one of each kind and they are buddies. We got the cat-cat to keep the emotionally needy dog-cat company when I started working long hours. I think an aloof cat is better in terms of leaving alone for a day or two, but I personally really love having a snuggle cat.

      The no-kill shelter by my house lets you play with the cats. Do that and see if any of them seem to get along with you well. Maybe consider getting two that are already friends if that would work with your life.

      1. Oh, also, make sure you ask about health history if that is something the shelter knows about. I got my dog-cat from a cat foster lady who I’m pretty sure was a cat hoarder. He’s had longstanding stupidly expensive medical problems because of the conditions he lived in as a young cat.

      3. Wow our animal companions sound like emotional twins! We got our nutjob typical cat-at to keep our dog-in-a-cat’s-body cat company while we were at work. I’m not sure if cat-cat just tires dog-cat out, or if they actually love each other (probably a combination) but it has worked out great.

    7. This is morbid and awful but look for a cat previously owned by a senior who either passed it had to go into a nursing home. Those cats are often well socialized and snuggly because their owners were always home. Those cats are also used to a slower pace of life.

      1. +1,000,0000 And they are often older cats who get overlooked and stay at the shelter the longest.

        I saw above that you are interested in a 7 yr old cat – THANK YOU for that!! I foster adult and senior cats and it is so much harder to get them adopted. :(

      2. And if you are that senior (or you have parents who are that senior), please make explicit arrangements for your pets upon your death. Five years ago, my husband asked his father what was supposed to happen to his mom and dad’s two cats when they died. Primo’s dad said that Primo and I could take them, which was not an option – we already have two cats and his parents’ cats were mean.

        His parents both died last summer and had made no arrangements for the cats. With all the stressful stuff that went on (and has been going on) with Primo being disinherited but still being named executor and dealing with his jerk half brother who wants to drain his own retarded son’s trust and finding his parents’ porn equipment and naked photos of themselves with the equipment, the worst thing Primo had to deal with was finding homes for the two cats. He could not bear the idea of taking them to a shelter, even a no-kill one.

        When we got our cats, we wrote instructions to my sister, who would be our executor if we both die at once, that the cats are to be returned to the Siamese cat rescue society where we got them along with a $3,000 donation. (We need to up that – it’s been a few years.)

        If you have pets, please think about what should happen to them when you die.

    8. Get a young adult cat … will have developed its “personality” by then as opposed to a kitten.

      We got our cat about 2 years old. My husband picked her because she was the friendliest one – rubbing up against the cage and interacting with us. She has been just lovely. She likes people and hangs out with us and does not hide when friends come over. We do go away for the weekend and even longer trips, but have a cat sitter come by once a day.

    9. We have a dog in a cat suit. My husband adopted him from a cat home (pre-me, I was definitely team dog until I met this little bundle of fur) because he immediately snuggled up to him and fell asleep. I wouldn’t want a cat that was super aloof but there are drawbacks to super social cats – he’s okay with a cat sitter in and out for a weekend but anything longer than that, we need to have someone stay. Also, I’m perpetually covered in cat fur and sometimes I have to stay on the couch and read another chapter of my book because he’s settled in and I can’t bear to move him. We had the police in because of some problems in the neighbourhood and the officer sat down and our cat snuggled up on his lap which was a bit embarrassing.

    10. Thanks so much everyone! These are great tips – I’ll post again when we find our cat :)

    11. Strongly consider getting two, especially if you plan to leave it/them for a weekend. Shelters often have bonded pairs and will do a 2 for 1 on the adoption fee. Cats have a reputation of being independent, but that doesn’t keep them from being lonely while you are at work or gone for a weekend. Male cats tend to be far more social and loving – I have two boys who are total lap cats and sleep with me every night.

      1. Yes, get two. Cats are social animals and they get cold. We got a bonded pair and they are best friends who fight and then cuddle with each other and then with us.

        We love our kitties. :)

    12. Unless the shelter really knows the history of the cat, the age is likely just a guess. You may want to consider whether you are ok with a cat that is supposed to be 7, but is really more like 10 and develops medical issues. I adopted an alleged 4 year old and a kitten at the same time. I think the 4 year old is actually much younger from the way he has grown. I mainly chose them because they are the ones that were the most interested and friendly towards me. I went multiple times to the shelter, and their personality towards me was consistent. They get along great- they are my first male cats, and I do think males are friendlier. I think they would be lonely without each other because we travel a bunch.

  7. Is anyone else worried about the prospect of having children in a world that is so scary and f*cked up? Some estimates show that climate change will have wreaked complete havoc on the planet in as soon as 15-20 years when my potential kids would be pre-teens. I’m not even sure it’s conscionable to have children with Earth on the border of being destroyed, but on the other hand, I keep thinking about how wars, famines, etc have always occurred throughout history and people have never stopped having children. Should I talk to a therapist about this?

    1. Depends. Are these worries keeping you from living your life? Are they intrusive and upsetting? Do you want to change them?

      You can rationally decide this world is no place for a child, not have kids, and have zero need for therapy. Or, this worry can be a sign of treatable anxiety.

      The world will not be destroyed in 15-20 years though, that is not true, so to me that suggests you have irrational anxiety about this.

    2. I think about the same things. “Am I being selfish for wanting to pass on my genes at the expense of the Earth?” “Is it better to adopt a child who already exists and give that child opportunities she/he might not have?” I have not found good answers to these questions, but you are right – terrible things have always been around and the human species has made it through. If you already see a therapist, may be a good topic to add to a session, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone on this. And you never know, one day your child may help solve these crises in the world! Every person can make a difference.

    3. Yes.

      It’s not wrong to feel upset and helpless at the state of the world but the fact that you indicate a hopelessness/pointlessness to continuing life is a bit of a red flag.

      Your child may help solve these crises, not because they will be the next Obama or world leader but because they may be a teacher who makes a difference in the life of a child or a lawyer who prevents a wrongful conviction. It takes many small acts of hard work to turn the huge ship that is the world and your child can be a part of that. (sorry for the weird philosophical turn that this took)

      1. In case it wasn’t clear – the ‘yes’ was in response to asking if you should talk to a therapist.

    4. If you have only one child, or one or two with a partner, you’re not contributing to population growth. I do worry a lot about the future of our planet, but its not going to stop me from having children. To be honest, I worry much more about my hypothetical child getting shot at school then I do about them suffering from the effects of climate change. Climate change is scary and the loss of animals and glaciers and stuff like that is very sad, but it’s unlikely to seriously affect the life of your child even if they live to be 100 years old (unless you plan to have your children in a very low-lying country like the Maldives). The vast majority of the US is not going to be underwater in your child’s lifetime.

      1. It won’t be underwater but it will be significantly impacted by worsening storm events/weather patterns. I’m in Canada (not the Arctic) and we’re already seeing changes to fishing catches/patterns due to changes in the ocean. Similar changes are occurring in farming areas with drought issues. – related impacts on food prices are not long off.

        1. i don’t think anon at 10:10 am meant to say that’s not a real issue. but that she has other concerns she thinks are more likely to affect her children.

          i know that when i think about my future children i worry about s3xual assault and accidental gunshots. but i also worry about how technology will give them access to ideas and images years before they’re mature enough to handle it. i worry about how the anonymous internet tortures teenagers about what they wear, what their body looks like. i worry about whether one of my kids will make a dumb decision to drink and drive. i also worry that they’ll be at a friend’s pool party and the parents will take their eyes off of them for 2 seconds.

          i’m not a parent, but i think that’s so much a part of being a parent- having a seemingly impossible amount of love and hope, but also fear and concern. seeing a little piece of yourself walking around outside of you and knowing that you can’t protect them from everything and in some cases you can’t even know what they need to be protected from! i think those pop-up thoughts are pretty normal as long as they’re not all-consuming.

      2. “Climate change is scary and the loss of animals and glaciers and stuff like that is very sad, but it’s unlikely to seriously affect the life of your child even if they live to be 100 years old (unless you plan to have your children in a very low-lying country like the Maldives).”

        This is a massive understatement about the impacts of climate change. The issues really aren’t losing pretty glaciers, fun vacation islands, and cute polar animals. We’ll be looking at issues like increased salinity of drinking water (already happening), global disruptions in weather systems (which will affect important things like access to water), changes in growing seasons and where crops can grow, increasing the vulnerability of ecosystems to disruption from invasive species, and more intense weather events. Once certain animals go, entire ecosystems can flounder. All of these items have the potential to result in significant disruptions to human communities and infrastructure and result in environmental refugees. We all know how fun those things can be, especially if you consider how these issues will interplay with other geopolitical issues.

        So, will OP’s kid have to take a boat from his house in New Jersey? Probably not. It’s silly to pretend that the loss of polar bears is the only risk. The risks are just less well defined and the potential impacts more difficult to predict than something attention-grabbing like a school shooting.

    5. So I have a toddler at home. And yes – it freaks me out thinking about what kind of things he may face in the future.

      But you’re right – throughout history there have been terrible things like famines, wars, plague outbreaks, frighteningly high infant mortality. It’s natural to fear these things and to fear what may be in the future. What I think is unnatural is if that fear is impacting your normal life. If you desire children but are so afraid of overpopulating the planet or of them starving to death that you avoid fulfilling that desire – then I think it’s appropriate to talk to someone.

      Fear of the future is a part of human existence. Ceasing to function or live a normal life because of that fear I think requires some help.

    6. I have these concerns too. If you’re not consumed with anxiety about it, I don’t think you need to see a therapist. I don’t know the answer as to whether or not to have kids, but the state of the world and our country (as a minority) concerns me and the world that my potential children would grow up in.

    7. As an anxious person who does have a kid, I found the chapter “Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark” in Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection really helpful in dealing with this sort of almost crushing fear.

    8. Having children is such a personal choice and you can choose not to have them for whatever reason that makes sense to you.

      The population growth rates for lower income, less educated people is much higher than for higher income, more educated people. I’m willing to bet that anyone on this site who has children will raise them into contributing adults who might help solve problems rather than deadbeats who will exacerbate problems.

    9. I think considering these things before deciding to have a child is the responsible thing to do. If these worries are interfering with your daily life beyond just being a factor you weigh in deciding whether to have children, then maybe you should seek therapy for anxiety.

    10. I almost never say “as a mom…” but as a mom, I know about this feeling.
      I think of heros, people who made a difference in the world, and I think their mothers have felt the same way. Go back to the Bible with stories about Moses and Jesus (and Miriam, and how many saints…?) being born in times of oppression. Think of Martin Luther King Juinor — how do you think Mrs. King Sr. felt? It’s a real feeling, and it’s legit, but if you think you’d be a good-enough parent to help them make change happen, then be optimistic.

  8. Good morning ladies! I was having a debate with friends about carrying mace with me when I’m walking my dog in the evenings/ at night and wanted to see if y’all could give your views too. For context: I live in Arlington (largish DC suburb) and walk my small dog about a mile down a paved walking path for about half a mile every evening/night. It’s lit(ish) and I don’t feel unsafe at all. I’m of the mind that a. carrying mace is just another thing to juggle along with keys, wallet, and the dog when I usually am just walking in leggings and a sweatshirt, and b. I almost feel like I’m more likely to spray myself/someone not trying to attack me, but just happens to startle me, than an actual attacker. I use an app called ‘companion’ when I’m on walks so that my (more nervous) friends can track me, and the app will contact the police if I drop the phone, it picks up that I’m running all of a sudden, etc and I don’t enter a code within 3o seconds. Also, I don’t really see someone trying to attack me if ‘m with a dog. She may be small, but she’s very protective of me and can have a scary sounding bark/growl.
    Anyway, I’m interested in seeing y’all’s thoughts this!

    1. I’m not into mace for all the reasons you mention. I choose not to be paranoid.

    2. If you don’t have self defense training I wouldn’t do it. I don’t want to scare you, but if you try to use it on someone and have no idea what you are doing, you risk either injuring yourself with the mace or having it taken and used against you by the attacker (my sister is a LEO and has seen this happen).

      1. +1. In most jurisdictions, cops have to be sprayed with it, fight off an “attacker” and make it back to their cruiser to call for back up before they are certified to carry it. A person that isn’t trained is likely to be equally incapacitated by the blow back, even if they manage to point the canister the right way.

    3. There is rational concern for your safety and practicing situational awareness and there is anxiety. It sounds like you are in the former camp. However, I would encourage you not to rely on apps or a dog for your own safety. Take a self defense class where they teach you how to protect yourself and place you in a real situation of being attacked. It was the best thing I have ever done for my own safety. If you want to carry mace, take a class that will teach you how to use it and where you will get it in your own eyes and continue to function.

      1. Seconded. Save the mace idea for if you ever feel truly unsafe on a must-walk route, but only after you’ve done a class and have an idea of how to respond. Don’t let your anxious friends determine the best options for you.

      2. In Arlington, please look up NoVa Self Defense. Evan is one of the best and does situation-based training to help you feel confident in this kind of encounter.

        I live in Arlington and short of not wearing headphones walking at night, I would not worry. I’d minimize the things I carry though – take just my house key and fob (if needed) and tuck my phone in my bra. I don’t need my wallet when I’m out walking the dog, though I do have a phone case that has a slot in the back for my ID/debit card/metro card.

    4. I walk my dog at night, alone, in a significantly higher-crime part of DC proper. I don’t carry mace. But I don’t really feel unsafe because 1) My dog also could probably scare off (or actually cause harm to) someone trying to attack me, 2) I stick to busier streets with streetlights and frequent traffic, 3) I don’t carry any valuables, and 4) I don’t wear headphones or anything, so I’m aware of my surroundings.

      Also, you’re in Arlington, not Eckington. Your precautions sound appropriate.

    5. What about putting a Fox 40 whistle on your keys? If you know how to use it they are LOUD and may be a decent deterrent.

    6. I definitely wouldn’t count on the dog protecting you, especially if small (one swift kick can address this). I’m in the DC area and I don’t carry mace walking my dog around my neighborhood or very-busy walking path, but when I lived in a different suburb I did because it was a more wooded area where I walked. Also, someone in my neighborhood had run into a perv that she had to run away from. It’s all up to you but I think the loud whistle is a good compromise if you are carrying your keys anyways.

    7. I would learn how to use mace or carry a loud whistle. My dad is a police officer and he has drilled into my head it doesn’t matter how “safe” your neighborhood is, you need to be alert. I walk my dogs alone and he hates it.

  9. I received a handwritten letter from my junior high/high school bully apologizing for the way she treated me and wishing me well in my life. In one sentence she mentioned that she had a rough home life but she wrote that she feels terrible about how she acted.

    She went to junior high and high school with me up until grade 10 and after that she left and I never heard about her again. After I got the letter I looked her up. There was a news article from our home town from a few years ago about a house being condemned after the hoarder owners fought with the town and the owners were her parents. There was another archived one about her father and other people with her last name facing drug charges. There was also a piece in the community news wear they interview her and another person from the town because they had returned from military service overseas. In the piece she mentions being in foster care and dropping out of high school.

    Now I’m not sure what to feel. She made junior high and high school hard but I had a better home life than her and now I have a good job and a wonderful husband. Back then I didn’t know her struggles. She didn’t ask for forgiveness or make an excuse. Should I reach out to her or should I just leave it alone and move on?

    1. I’d leave it alone. Personally, I don’t care for this kind of apology at all. It’s all about making you, the bully, the drunk, feel better. It does nothing to actually make amends, and it’s intrusive and upsetting. You don’t owe her anything, including any interaction.

      1. Anon at 10:02 am. She doesn’t “owe” the bully anything but you are off base on the impact of this kind of letter. The act of making amends and then becoming a better person will have a ripple effect that you can never fully understand. I love that the OP has expressed such a forgiving sentiment. The truth is that most bullies have it rough in some area. Even those who appear to be very spoiled in high school are often emotionally neglected.

    2. I’d write her a letter to say that you appreciate that she contacted you.

      Reassure her that although the school years were tough, you are now in a good place in life and very happy and that you wish the same for her. I think the best way you can help her is to let her know that her actions haven’t prevented you from living a full and happy life.

      4. Agreed. I went to a small private international school and was bullied upon my arrival there by a girl who started a few weeks before me. The bullying from her friends continued after she left until I moved back to the US four years later. I ended up going to the same college as this girl in the US. She told me she felt bad about how she treated me. I didn’t want or need to be friends with her, but I appreciated the sentiment. Let her know you are doing well, but don’t feel the need to continue the communication.

    3. I would leave it alone. My guess is she’s writing the letter as part of a 12-step program.

      1. She is active duty military and the letter was from a base overseas so I don’t think she is in a program of any kind like that unless the military allows people to serve while doing it. In the community piece I read she did mention therapy before she enlisted that helped her unpack her guilt and a lot of things for her childhood, so I was thinking maybe it was an extension of that even though it was years ago.

        1. Just FYI–there are AA and similar groups on many military bases. There are a lot of alcoholics in the military, and a lot of recovering alcoholics. Just like in the general population.

    5. If it were me – and I was treated horribly by some people in high school – I would write back. It wouldn’t be immediate, and it wouldn’t mention her home life (and for heaven’s sake, do not feel guilty about having parents who love you). Mostly, it would be a “thanks for having the guts to write and to own up to it; life is good now; hope you are well and finding some happiness in adult life.”

  10. Credit card question: I do a fair amount of online shopping and return a lot of what I purchase. My credit card bill is due today, but I have at least $500 worth of refunds that will be coming in within the next few days.

    Do I pay my credit card balance in full, and just deal with having a negative balance afterwards? Or deduct the amount of refund I expect to receive in a week and only pay that balance?

    2. Pay in full. If you pay less than the full bill on the due date, you’ll have to pay interest.

    3. Pay in full.

      This is a perfect example of some of the credit-based discussions we’ve had on here recently–stuff like this should be something people are taught before they get a credit card.

      OP, nothing against you and kudos for asking the question. It’s just crazy that people have access to credit and don’t know the answer.

    4. What? That’s ridiculous. Do not pay in full if you 100% for sure know you are making the returns. I get the “pay off in full each month” mantra, but if you are absolutely making the returns, I would not give up cash flow. I might ear mark it/set it aside in the interim if I am worried about a return being accepted/rejected, but that’s about it.

      1. But the credit card company will charge you an exorbitant amount of interest on the part you don’t pay in full. Why flush that money down the toilet? If you pay in full and start the month with a negative $500 balance, your first $500 of purchases will essentially be free. If you’re worried about cash flow, you can put $500 of stuff on the card that you would have ordinarily taken directly out of your bank account.

        1. First – check the interest rate. There is a decent chance that the interest on $500 really won’t be that much especially if the money will hit the account shortly after the due date.

          Honestly, I’d pay the minimum and let the returns take care of the rest. Unless of course your card’s interest is just horrible (which in that case get a new card)

          1. But even if the interest is minimal, why throw that money away? I get that if you need $500, it’s worth throwing a small amount of money away to get it. But if you don’t NEED the money, why waste anything? I wouldn’t waste even 25 cents if I could easily avoid it with no effort by paying my bill in full.

          2. The interest will be for all charges made during the entire last cycle and the entire new cycle. It’s not merely the APR for the 5 or whatever days until the returns hit.

          3. + 1 000 000 to anon at 11:34!!!

            Do people really not know this? The interest is on all charges for the whole cycle not just the APR for a couple days on the $500 until the returns hit.

            PLUS most companies say that returns may take up to two billing cycles to show on your card.

          4. To Anon at 11:34 – Isn’t the interest on average daily balance? So if OP has a $500 balance for 7 days of the billing cycle and $0 balance for the rest of the month, that would be interest on roughly $117 balance.

            Obviously, it depends on what else OP charges in a month, but the interest could be pretty minimal and not worth some of the dramatic responses.

          7. NYNY — it is on the average daily balance, but you have a balance for every day of your cycle as long as you’re using your card. Say you use your card on the first day of your billing cycle — that is part of your average daily balance until you pay it off. Normally, you have a grace period so they don’t charge you interest until you fail to pay your balance in full, but once you do that they make you pay the interest on the average daily balance that existed during the grace period.

          8. Right, but the return would be the payment to wipe out the balance, assuming no other charges are made.

      2. If OP needed the $500 to make ends meet, I’d say don’t pay in full, eat the interest on the $500 until the refunds get processed, but I’m assuming that if she has $500 in refunds owing to her for online shopping, that $500 probably isn’t needed immediately to pay rent or get groceries.

    5. Thanks everyone. I will pay in full (that’s what I thought but I wanted confirmation). I don’t need the $500 for anything else, so I’ll be fine if I pay in full.

      1. If you shop online and put a lot of things on your card, it won’t be a negative balance for long. It just happens this way some months and will balance out eventually. Absolutely pay in full and avoid the interest charges.

      2. Thank you for asking this question. I’ve always wondered what to do in this case. It seems like paying in full is the best bet, assuming you don’t need the money immediately.

  11. I think I need a house keeper to come and clean my house, but I’m embarrassed. I have both clutter that needs to be organized, folded clothes that need to be put away, as well as dirty clothes to wash, floors to mop, stairs to sweep, etc. I assume a house keeper will not organize my stuff. So essentially I need to clean my house before I pay someone to clean my house. How do I evaluate a house keeper? References, I assume? Better to go with a company or an individual? Do you stay home when the person is there cleaning? Questions…questions…I appreciate any and all advice!

    1. 1. Put your clutter in piles.

      2. Put your folded laundry away.

      3. Go online, book Handy for 4 hours, leave a $20 cash tip, and leave your house. You don’t need to evaluate them, this is not hard, they can all do the job just fine.

      4. Cry with joy at how your house looks. Resign up for 2 hours every other week.

      5. As you get used to your apt not being dirty, you’ll start being more able to take care of the clutter.

      1. This is everything you need to know.

        It’s easy to get planning paralysis. The biggest obstacle to getting things done is all of the questions about how to get things done. Make the appointment, leave for a few hours, and return to a much improved living space! Then go from there.

      2. I don’t even care if this is disguised ad for Handy, how have I not heard of this before?

      3. Yeah Handy was great and if they had 0 issues with my student apartment I doubt your house would be a problem. We’re students, we wouldn’t even know how to evaluate a housekeeper.

      4. some Handy cleaners are better than others, but once you get a great one, you can request that person again and again. My chap told me today that he uses Handy to clean his place too, because he doesn’t want to clean either when he goes home.

    2. I’d put away clutter that isn’t obvious where it goes, but most cleaning services are happy to do laundry and fold and put away clean clothes (possibly for an extra fee). Definitely don’t mop your floors or sweep your stairs, that’s the entire point of hiring a cleaning service.

      A cleaning service is a lot less complicated than an individual. There’s a lot less concern about liability for household accidents. Plus, an individual who cleans your house on a regular basis is probably a “household employee” within the meaning of the tax code, which means you have to withhold payroll taxes. I know many people who have an individual clean for them and ignore the tax implications, but it’s a risk, especially if you’re a professional like a lawyer or an accountant who should know better.

      Most people leave their house when it’s being cleaned. You can either give the cleaner a key or be home to let them in and then leave. We stay home while our house is being cleaned, because we have an extremely anxious dog who would be distraught at being locked in a crate while a stranger invaded her house. But what we do is definitely not the norm.

    3. our cleaning service just piles our cr@p up if they don’t know what to do with it. Then, we come home and take the pile and put it away. You can do this for them, or just leave a basket or instructions to do it. I also do things like strip the beds and wash the sheets, then pile the clean sheets on the bed so the cleaners can make the bed. Since they’re gonna make my bed anyway, may as well get clean sheets :)

      Also, if this will be a regular thing, you might want them to unload the dishwasher and load it. Or you might want to unload it and leave it open or leave a note to throw the dirty dishes in. My service (same people) used to hand wash all dishes in the sink until I told them not to bother and just use the dishwasher.

      I’m home when the cleaners come only because I work from home. I shut my office door (which they don’t clean for this reason) and they go about their ways. I try to get out of the house every few weeks (usually I sit in my car to take calls) so they can vacuum the office.

    4. I know you said you feel embarrassed, but I just wanted to say (as someone who worked as a maid while I was in college) that most of us were not judgemental and your house is probably not the worst one they have cleaned by far. I would recommend using a service. The service I worked for had insurance, took care of the pay and did background checks on their employees.

    5. Book a cleaner anyway. Our house is never as tidy/organized as we like, but if we waited until it is, it would be filthy before we ever hired cleaners.

      General rule of thumb – cleaners will clean anything that is in a standard house, but they won’t organize your things for you. They’ll clean around the piles (ours moves them, vacuums, and then moves them back).

  12. Purse help: I have a beloved work tote, bought many moons ago, whose faux-leather handles are flaking due to ordinary wear and tear. The tote itself is made of practically bulletproof nylon and is in pristine condition, and I’d hate to throw it out. Is there anything I can do about the straps? It was relatively cheap – under $50 – but it’s still got years of use left.

    2. Take it to a local luggage/leather repair store and see if they can help you. You may have to make a radical strap change but they’re usually good at knowing their limits.

  13. Décor question – our flat desperately needs to be painted. Currently we have dinged up builder’s white walls and two accent walls which were painted by our drunk neighbour). It’s a two bed flat with blonde-y / grey hardwood floor. We have a open plan kitchen / living area, a large hallway, and master bedroom + guest room (hopefully future nursery) I don’t even know where to start – do you paint every room the same colour? An accent wall in each room? What colour are nice? If you might end up moving in a year or two, would that change your answer?

    Pro tip – don’t let your out of work, heavy drinking neighbour paint your walls to earn a bit of extra cash unless you want unfinished corners and handprints in the paint.

    1. We prefer to have all the walls the same color and use decor, art, flooring, etc. as the color. Although we have so much art that we have white walls, I might suggest a light grey with blue undertones and then have the trim done in white. If that type of grey is clashing with your blonde/ash flooring, then you might go with a soft grey with brown undertones instead.

      This will also make it easier to sell/move. We’ve bought old homes from original owners and the pepto pink. citrus orange/green, and all the wallpaper really took time to overcome…and we were willing to do that, but knew that many sales were lost when other buyers were unable to “see beyond” the walls that were there.

    2. Sherwin Williams mindful grey on all the wall, white trim. This color looks light grey in bright light and almost brown in low light, looks great with lots of colors.

      1. My whole house is mindful gray and I LOVE it and tell everyone I know to use it. It looks great with everything in our kitchen, including espresso wood cabinets, cream granite countertops and blonde maple hardwood floors. Light gray is trendy right now, so it’s also good for re-sale. I would definitely think about what is popular if you plan to move soon. This is not the time for a bright orange accent wall, even if you personally think it looks cool.

        1. I did greige (what our contractor called it) everywhere we repainted too, with dark wood floors, white cabinets, blackish granite, and black / grey / white / brown kitchen backsplash

      2. Upon the suggestion of ladies here a few months ago, we painted our living room/dining room Mindful Gray and I LOVE IT. It’s so soothing and chic. I always get compliments on the color.

    3. Pick three colors that go together. One neutral (beige, white, gray) that will be used most places and two other accent colors that can be used elsewhere.

      For example: I have an open plan apartment. There is a beige-pink I used on the majority of the walls (living area, bathroom, bedroom), a rusty orange I used in a couple of accent spots (the wall the big window is on and the area right by the front door), and a med leafy green I used in the kitchen. You can be a little bit bolder in the kitchen because the cabinets break up the wall space. So you don’t get as much color.

    4. Thanks for all the advice! I got a bit overwhelmed by pinterest (giant fancy houses) and the Farrow and Ball catalogues (I don’t want paint called dead salmon)

    5. You don’t need to paint every room the same color – just go to the paint store and pick things you like!

      In general, go lighter than you think you want to – what seems cool on a swatch often turns oppressively dark or bright spread out over an entire wall or room. Also, if you’re renting, check your lease – if you’re going to be responsible for painting back to white if/when you move out, definitely stick to lighter colors that will be easy to cover.

    6. Totally subjective, of course, but accent walls look dated and HGTV-ish to me. All one neutral color looks so much more sleek and chic.

      2. If you’re not confident in your decorating skills, one color throughout is also much easier to manage. It might not look super amazing and unique but it’s going to look fine if you pick a decent, neutral color. Different colors in different rooms can look incredible if you do it absolutely perfectly, but if you do it less than perfectly it can easily look awful. Unless you have confidence that you know how to pull it off, it’s much safer to stick with one color.

    7. Disclaimer: while I own a home improvement business, and while I employ interior designers, I am not one. I do, however, work with a lot of people on picking stuff out.

      You definitely don’t need to have the same color in every room, but think about your lifestyle or what tones you want your space to create. I tend to think of colors in this way: a room with a lot of contrasting colors (dark floors on an all white room, white cabinets with a dark, flashy countertop, or a bright color pillows and furniture against stark white) make for an energetic room. A room with a lot of similar tones (white cabinets with white countertops, soft neutrals in a bedroom, etc) make for a soothing space. So consider that as you pick colors. I often see people do accent walls because they want a splash of color, but I personally find that they wear out their welcome over time.

      If you’re going to end up moving a year or two, I would stick to a neutral color scheme. I don’t want to say “beige” because that can seem boring – I’ll explain below. But your buyers will want to envision their things in the space and that’s easiest for them to do against a blank canvas. So, either paint exactly what you want now and plan to repaint before selling, or paint it now with that in mind and you may have to touch up a few walls before showing the home, but likely won’t have to do a complete repaint job.

      I use Sherwin-Williams exclusively and usually their “curated colors” don’t do much for me, but I am loving their 2017 color of the year called Poised Taupe. We also end up using a color called “Tony Taupe” frequently. I think that for several years, people were flocking to gray because it was a big departure from oak on beige and felt very fresh. Lately though, there’s been slow recession from cold gray (feelings that it isn’t inviting and many people like to live in a space that feels warm) to warmer grays and more sophisticated beiges. Find one you like and stick within that color family for the best results.

      Also, get the sample sizes from the store and put some on the wall, then live with it for a few days. You want to see what it looks like in the morning, noon and night, because colors will always, always look different in your house based on the light and what’s reflecting off them there (flooring, cabinets, etc).

    8. Oh, I know a bit about this. Picking paint colors is HARD! What you should absolutely do: buy the stupid samples (even if they are $7.99) and put them on your wall(s) for a few days and look at them in various lighting. We failed to do that when we first bought our house and ended repainting a couple times because once the color is fully on the walls it looks different than on the swatch. We had about 8 samples on our living room wall for at least 2 months before we settled on a color. And it was a win, fortunately (Crushed Ice from Sherwin Williams – a light grey).

      Also, especially if you are planning to sell in a couple years, pick something on the more neutral side. Use curtains, pillows, throws, etc to add color. Accents walls can be great if they are done right, but if you aren’t hiring a professional decorator, I would stay away from them.

    9. Also think about how you want the home to feel. I prefer my house to feel warm, so grey does not work for me.

    10. I know this will sound nuts, but consider a very neutral, pale green. The last owner of our house painted all the walls this light, neutral green, and we’ve lived there for ~6 months and it wasn’t until last week that my husband fully grokked that the walls were green. It just reads as this “not white” color, and it’s balanced between cool (blue) and warm (yellow) and I surprisingly love it (but I really don’t like grey walls for our stuff). We have lots of warm wood furniture, lots of oranges and reds and yellows, kind of the colors of the 50’s or 70’s, and I was initially worried it would look awful, but it doesn’t at all!

      The one room that isn’t that green color is an icy pale blue with white trim, and I kind of hate it.

        1. Ha, well I have to admit that I love the 70’s decor vibe (not the disco side of things, but the scratchy orange upholstery, yes please)!

      2. I love that you said “fully grokked”! I just read Stranger in a Strange Land so I grok you!

    11. We just bought a new house and every room was painted gray…it made the house dark and gloomy. We switched it to Benjamin Moore Linen White, and it looks good with everything. It makes it so much cleaner and warm. We also painted our ceilings a very very pale blue. If you are considering an accent wall, you might consider just painting the ceiling a very pale shade of the color you like.

  14. No replies to my (very late) post to yesterday’s morning thread, so reposting today in case anyone has feedback for me:

    Just got a coupon code in my emailbox for 30% off at Lo & Sons. My three-year-old OG (or maybe it’s an OMG, I forget) needs replacing — there’s a scratch on the side and the corners are all fraying. I haven’t found a bag I like as much that meets all of my requirements: holds laptop, work files, water bottle and other miscellany, is lightweight, has good organizer pockets, has the sleeve on the back for a luggage handle. Think I can do better for the $192 I’d spend with this coupon? Thanks, gals.

    1. I think 30% off is a pretty good price. I have occasionally seen “up to” 40 or 50% off at Lo & Sons, but they’re usually centered around something (Easter, Mother’s Day, End of Summer, etc.) and the color/metal combination that you want may not be the maximum amount off.

    2. I’m not sure if you are still reading, but if you are looking for an OMG, I have one I purchased that I have barely used (it wasn’t quite big enough for what I needed, so I got an OG instead). I believe it is the espresso color. I’ve been considering selling it since I have literally used it 2-3 times, and I could probably even find the protective bag it came in…I’d part for it for less than 192 and am happy to send pics of its condition. If you are interested, let me know and I can post an email address.

  15. I don’t like holding the elevator for you.

    I work in a tall building with three different banks of elevators for different groupings of floors. My grouping covers 10 floors and there are 6 elevators that all work and are never all busy. When you press a call button, you never have to wait more than a few seconds– an elevator is almost always waiting on the ground floor. If you do not work on my floor (and I recognize everyone who does), why on earth would I hold the elevator for you? Get your own! It’s not like I pound the “door close” button if I see someone coming, but really, doesn’t it make the most sense to wait for your own elevator? I mean, why take the local if you can go express?

    1. Have fun dying alone, grumpy. You hold the elevator because it demonstrates that you are a decent human being. If you’d rather be known as that brat who lets the elevator close in people’s faces, enjoy.

    2. Anon at 10:47 said it harshly, but yeah I think its kind of a d!ck move to not hold the door if you see someone coming who is obviously intending to get on your elevator.

    3. Ha! Totally agree… I usually hold back a step or two to let the door close before the person notices that I am behind so I can just get my own. I hate when someone sticks their hand in as the door is closing so that it takes a few seconds to shut the door and waste everyone’s time. In that amount of time I could have been at my floor and you could have been in a new elevator already!

      1. Agreed. It might be a d!ck move to not hold the elevator for someone, but it’s a d!ckier move to rush to the elevator to make someone hold it for you and then (possibly) wait through the stop at your floor.

        I used to work in the top floor of my elevator bank. When I first started there, I held the door for other people. Then a couple of times I would hold the door, only to have that person hold the door for the next person, then not only do I have to wait for these jerks to get on the elevator but I also have to wait through the stop for each of their floors. One time I had to wait for FIVE different floors, all because I was nice and held the elevator for people who were rushing back from their coffee break. I eventually started pushing the close door button as soon as I got on the elevator.

        1. The worst is when someone a) rushes in as the doors are closing and then proceeds to b) hold the door open for the huge group they are with, who are taking their time getting there. Happens in my building ALL the time, even though we have lots of elevators that come quickly. Why, people? Why? That said, I do always hold the door if I see someone rushing, because, you know, social contract etc.

          1. I don’t work in a high rise anymore, but when I did, my pet peeve was someone getting on the 25th then getting off on the 24th. Please walk one flight of stairs if you’re able.

    4. As someone who works on the 45th floor, even with our own elevator bank for floors 35-46, all the elevators wait on the bottom, so I think very poorly of those that don’t hold elevators. It takes so long to call one, and it only takes you 5 seconds to wait for me.

      And after 7pm, only 2 of them run, if they’re both on the way down, it takes even longer.

      1. I assumed that the OP was griping about holding the elevator when you get in on the ground floor. Not sure there are many excuses for not holding the door when you are going down to the lobby from your own floor.

    5. I think this is a know-your-elevator situation! I currently work in a building that always has elevators in the lobby, often 2 will open in the morning when you call one. Usually, if I am lagging behind a group, I will tell them to go ahead rather than hauling it to the open one when another one will appear within seconds. There are 8 elevators for every 12 floors, so there really is no rush here, people. My old building had 5 (realistically 4, sometimes 3 with breakdowns) elevators for 22 floors, which took forever to get to the lobby, so even though it was uncomfortable to pack so many in the elevator, it was common courtesy to hold it for others. Although it is also common courtesy for groups to wait their turn and I think shouting ‘hold the elevator!’ is only appropriate if you are an individual moving to get there and there isn’t another one ready in seconds.

    6. Does that extra 30 seconds it takes to stop at another floor really hurt anyone? Sometimes it’s nice to get to know people on other floors.

    7. This. My building has four elevators and I’ve never had to wait more than 3 seconds for an elevator on the 1st floor. My office is on the top floor. Holding the elevator on the 1st floor is stupid.

      In my building, in the last 18 months, I have been (or witnessed) at least a dozen incidents of harassment or too-personal questions (e.g., asking a pregnant stranger when she was due while touching her belly without permission) on the elevator. The bank on the 10th and 11th floors must have a really horrible corporate culture because that’s where the offenders all get off.

      So nope, not holding an elevator and, if I see someone I don’t recognize (or if I recognize them from an earlier incident) in the elevator already, I tell them to go ahead and I’ll catch the next elevator.

  16. I really, really enjoy my morning cup of coffee. But I tend toward anxiety and now realize that even half a cup puts me on edge. I don’t want to give it up completely.

    Does anyone have a low caffeine or even…. Decaf… That they recommend?

    Currently I use Kcups, since it is convenient with drinking only 1 cup a day, and fast …….as I am always late in the AM.

    1. There are decaf K-cups. I’d start there, so you don’t have to change up your whole routine.

      1. Is there one you recommend?

        The last time I bought some they were terrible. And to buy a box is a little pricey …

        1. there might be a local coffee outlet around that allows you to buy single K cups to try a variety

    2. Get your regular variety K-Cups, but decaf. It’s so simple. I love sipping coffee throughout the day, and I switch to decaf after my morning cup (except for one full-caff cup in the early afternoon).

    3. I’ve had both Newman’s Own and Dunkin Donuts brand decaf K-cups and I thought they were fine. Not as good as my caffeinated morning cup (which we use local whole beans and grind), but fine.

    4. Starbucks decaf K cups.

      Even my coffee snob DH agrees that Starbucks Decaf is decent coffee.

      1. +1 for Starbucks decaf K cups from a fellow coffee snob. I also would add that decaf coffee does have some traces of caffeine in it still, so that may also help not feeling complete withdrawal symptoms.

      1. You may want to taper down on caffeine instead of quitting cold turkey. There are several half-caff k cups out there. I always order k cups for work – office provides a Keurig, but no supplies – from Amazon to be delivered straight to the office.

          1. Sorry, can’t help you there. I’m a Death Wish coffee gal. I only do one cup, but I like it strong. ;)

  17. We’re finishing a basement. I want a family room with a fireplace and a built-in entertainment center that will house a modest-sized flatscreen TV. I know it’s popular to mount the TV over the fireplace, but I’m not really into that look. I was originally thinking of a corner floor-to-ceiling fireplace with a built-in entertainment center next to it, like this: http://cdn.homedesignlover.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/19-Ridge-Home.jpg
    But our basement already has a space made for the fireplace and it’s in the middle of one wall, not on a corner. Does something like this look ok? http://cdn.homedesignlover.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/7-lanacar.jpg
    Other ideas for balancing a fireplace and an entertainment center with a TV?
    If it matters, I’m thinking of lighter gray tile and a dark wood mantle for the fireplace, more like this: https://cdn3.bigcommerce.com/s-sryqni/products/17827/images/20313/White_Quartzite_Fireplace_Remodel__87364.1464026173.1280.1280.jpg?c=2

    1. We’re finishing a basement. I want a family room with a fireplace and a built-in entertainment center that will house a modest-sized flatscreen TV. I know it’s popular to mount the TV over the fireplace, but I’m not really into that look. I was originally thinking of a corner floor-to-ceiling fireplace with a built-in entertainment center next to it, like this: http://cdn.homedesignlover.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/19-Ridge-Home.jpg
      But our basement already has a space made for the fireplace and it’s in the middle of one wall, not on a corner. Does something like this look ok? http://cdn.homedesignlover.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/7-lanacar.jpg
      Other ideas for balancing a fireplace and an entertainment center with a TV?
      If it matters, I’m thinking of lighter gray tile and a dark wood mantle for the fireplace, more like this: https://cdn3.bigcommerce.com/s-sryqni/products/17827/images/20313/White_Quartzite_Fireplace_Remodel__87364.1464026173.1280.1280.jpg?c=2

      1. Thanks! I can visualize your place, and it helps. I do want to hang a big piece of artwork on the top of the fireplace.

  18. I need to post about this anonymously because I’m so ashamed. Turns out I have an STD. I don’t know who I contracted it from and I don’t know who I could have infected. I’ve been a little reckless lately and now…

    Luckily it’s 100% treatable and hopefully won’t re-occur, but I can’t even imagine having to have that conversation with each of my partners…

    Ugh I feel terrible today.

    1. Turns out, they’re totally common and not a big deal. If it’s treated and not contagious you don’t even need to tell.

      1. Whaaaaaaa?

        OP, I’m glad it’s treatable and won’t be contagious going forward, but you owe phone calls to recent partners who are at risk for having been affected so that they can get tested and determine whether they should seek the same treatment you are getting.

      2. Umm, no. You don’t know people’s medical history and untreated STI’s can have far reaching consequences. No one should feel ashamed but you most certainly do need to tell your partners so they can get treatment.

        1. +1

          Yes, yes… Please tell. Guys are not as good as women with regular medical care in this arena. One of them gave it to you, and for sake of all of us women out there please let them know.

        2. Oh I was talking about future partners! No need to disclose once it has been treated and is not contagious.

      3. There was a HUGE debate about this here a year or two ago. I’m on Team “you need to tell recent partners even if it’s awkward.”

      4. Some Planned Parenthoods or other health clinics will call your past partners for you, keeping you anonymous….you stay hidden & they get a heads up they should be tested. Win/Win for everyone.

          1. OR people own up to their actions, accept consequences of actions and be adults and do it themselves. I’m all for PP, but really now????

    2. Don’t be ashamed! I think a lot of us have been on one end or another of one of those conversations.

      I’m with Anonymous 10:52, you should call recent partners. It won’t be fun, but if it’s something easily treatable and non-recurring I don’t think it’ll go as horribly as you fear. A few years ago I was on the receiving end of one of those calls. It was something easily curable that I didn’t end up having, but I really respected that the person did the responsible thing and told me.

    3. People who still think you need to call up recent partners are out of touch with modern dating. Casual hookups are way more common (or at least acceptable) and sex ed is way better than it was even 5 years ago. Everyone knows that most people have some kind of STD and so if you’re not demanding test results from a sexual partner then you have to assume they have something. If they choose to play anyway, that’s on them, not me. I would not expect a casual hookup to tell me about his STD either.

      The only reason I would ever tell a former partner is if I had told them that I was tested and clean and later found out that was not correct information. Under those circumstances you have an obligation to tell the person that your earlier test might not have picked up something. But you have to have actually made a (likely innocent) misrepresentation to have any obligation to correct it.

      1. Agreed completely. Long term partner? Sure. Random Brandon or what it Benjamin from the bar? Nah. They assumed the risk.

        1. Just because this is how you feel/do, does not mean that others do this… or that it is right.

    4. I know you know this in your head, but:

      Would you be ashamed of getting a stomach bug? If you got a stomach bug, would you berate yourself internally for not washing your hands well enough? Would you feel like a horrible, dirty person for getting a stomach bug?

      No, you wouldn’t. And you shouldn’t feel that way about this. You are the same person today that you were before you got this diagnosis. There is no moral dimension to disease, and no personal failing associated with getting infected.

    5. There are anonymous e-card services out there that you can use to send an STI warning to a former partner. No need to have an in-person conversation.

      1. If the context is casual hookups, having someone’s email address seems kind of unlikely.

    6. I know it’s a tough thing to tell someone but I think it’s easier than having guilt over not telling previous partners and the possibility that they are infecting others, although I know it is everyone’s responsibility to get tested. Just send a quick email or text saying something like “hey I recently found out I have STD so you may want to get tested” or have one of those anonymous services do it.

    7. Thank you all. I do feel dirty and ashamed but I also think this was a bit of a wakeup call. A lot of my partners in the last few months were random hookups so I don’t necessarily have contact info.

      But I appreciate the perspectives and advice!

      1. Lesson learned, these things happen.

        For the random hookups, oh well, that’s beyond your control. Don’t beat yourself up too much, hugs!

      2. not to be the bearer of bad news, but you really should get an HIV test in 6 months. The virus can survive and not rise to testable levels until 6 months after infection. A majority of women that got HIV from unprotected sex never thought it could happen to them.

  19. Crowdsourced event-planning: I’m working with a speaker who needs to lead off the presentation during a lively social event, and they are anxious about getting people to quiet down for their remarks. (They are not a great presence in front of a crowd and have a tendency to shush other adults, but unfortunately there’s no getting around having this person speak first. :-/) What are your good ideas for commanding attention towards the speaker? I’m looking for something in between clinking on a glass and a trumpet fanfare.

    2. Can someone with better stage presence and impactful voice announce the first speaker?

    3. Is this being held at a venue like a hotel? They can go around and like, chime some bells or ring a gong to call people to attention.

  20. Advice re: dating an engineer?

    New relationship, he’s on the quiet side, sweet, polite, thoughtful, and ah, not shy physically. I just don’t feel like he’s opened up yet, which sort of seems on par, I know a few engineers but have never dated one. Is it just that he needs time? I’m enjoying the way he approaches and thinks about things, and I actually feel sort of more grounded/balanced in a good way when he’s around, but as I’m very much the opposite of his personality and I don’t want him to feel run over by me.

    1. Are you really asking for help dating a guy based on his profession? Not all lawyers are the same. Not all doctors are the same. Just … date him.

      1. Yes…this is very weird. If you’re asking for advice on dating a quiet guy that’s one thing, but please don’t stereotype engineers.

    2. Why mention that he’s an engineer? We’re not all created equal.

      Signed,
      An Engineer

    3. Stop judging him by stereotypes about his profession. Engineers are not a monolithic separate species.

    4. This is such a hilarious question to me (because I am an engineer).

      His personality has nothing to do with his profession or vice versa. However, if there are logistical questions involved, maybe ask those? Depending on his specialty, he may have very different hours/obligations compared to you.

    5. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone, so I apologize if I did. Perhaps what I should say is that he has and embraces the traits common to that stereotype. He thinks it’s funny to referr to himself as a “cool engineer”. If he referred to me the zaney hyper-entrepreneurial type, I wouldn’t be offended, because it’s true. I’m certainly not judging him for it, I’m just trying to understand.

    6. I’m married to an introvert engineer. He did take a lot longer to open up than I do. But that’s a lot of the reason we work so well together. I am a very social extrovert who’s tends to be somewhat of an open book, and we very much balance each other out. I feel exactly what you said — more grounded and balanced when he’s around — and I add excitement and more emotional displays to his life :)

      Don’t worry about running over him. He’s likely very attracted to your differences. Just give it time, and make sure he feels welcome in your life. In my experience (I’ve actually dated several introvert engineers; there seems to be an inexorable attraction), this personality type is a bit slow and deliberate when it comes to forming new relationships and often not very obviously emotional or demonstrative but is intensely loyal and caring.

      1. I am married to an extrovert engineer. The great thing about engineers – and I think this is a pretty valid stereotype, based on the engineers I went to college with (Rice), the engineers I work with (I work for an engineering company), and the one I am married to is that they can fix things.

        We do not pay repairmen in our house – my husband figures out how to fix things himself. New faucet in the kitchen? Leaky sink? Recalcitrant toilet? Malfunctioning dehumidifier? Internet not working?

        All repaired by the resident engineer.

        Marry an engineer, I tell you. With all the money you save on home repairs, you will be able to buy as many pairs of shoes as you want.

        (And it goes without saying – marry an orphan engineer.)

    7. Treat him like a polite, smart, thoughtful guy who has not yet opened up.

      -an engineer who hates the stereotypes

    8. I’m an engineer, married to an engineer, and I hear this stereotyping all the time, even from other female engineers. A lot of them won’t date engineers because of some preconceived notions.

      Regardless of his profession, he’s a person. If you’re concerned about him not opening up to you, talk to him. Some people do take more time, some might not even realize that they are “closed off.” Maybe instead of feeling run over by you, he enjoys your strong personality. I think most people in a relationship (including engineers) would prefer to discuss any issues rather than have one party feeling distressed.

    9. There’s not a manual or a life hack for everything, every person, or every interaction. I totally understand the urge to use all available information to analytically reason out the best approach to handling an issue. It’s just that that’s not always possible, and especially not when you’re dealing with human behavior.

      None of us can possibly tell you why this guy hasn’t opened up or if/when he will. He did not get a Sorting Hat placed on his head when he left high school that told him to study engineering based on his personality.

    10. Ditto to all of the above.
      Signed,
      Engineer trying to break all these darn stereotypes.

  21. Having a horrible week at work – the kind where I want to quit so badly that I had to have my husband talk me out of doing so this morning. I can’t quit, for a variety of reasons, and I can’t change anything about my work environment right now, so I’m trying to focus on things I can do to keep me sane. What do you do to help you cope with periods of high stress?

    2. I remind myself that I am being paid to be there. I don’t have to like it or find fulfillment in it but I do need to eat and be clothed so money = good.

      I focus on upping the non-work aspects of my life – texting with friends, drinks with my sister, time for hobbies, so that I have lots going on outside of work and work becomes only one part of my day instead of the focus.

    3. Indulgent snacks, clean my desk (so at least my immediate workspace feels nice), listen to music or radio to remind myself there’s a whole other world outside my little h3ll-hole.

  22. My long term SO and I had a fight while on a short car ride on Sunday. We’re in our mid-40’s. No kids. SO was screaming at the top of his lungs over me and at one point pounded the dashboard in the car for emphasis. We got to our destination, hung out with friends, not interacting with one another, and then we went home where we continued not interacting and went to bed without resolving anything. Because of our schedules I did not see him until I got home the next night. He was in bed watching tv – clearly wanted to be alone. I walked in and asked him if there was anything he wanted to say about what happened and I told him that I thought the way he expressed his anger (banging on the dashboard/screaming over me) was not ok. I also told him that comments that he made that I antagonize him (which he has said in the past) sound a lot like what an abuser would say to excuse behavior. I pointed out that he’s responsible for his actions, and that physical expressions of anger are clearly intended to intimidate which I won’t stick around for. He took offense, and said that I’m turning this around and focusing on what he did wrong instead of what I did wrong. Apparently, the reason he was upset with me in the car is that I had admittedly made a teasing but condescending comment earlier before we ever got in the car. I’ve made this type of comment several times in the past and I know it’s condescending and passive aggressive. It’s along the lines of me sighing while saying “oh my SO from X place” and most often I’ve said it whenever he expresses less than tolerant views. Neither of us are very political but I lean left and he leans right. Some of his views I just cannot agree with, sound uninformed, and I tell him so directly and indirectly when they come up in conversation. When we fought in the car it seemed to come out of nowhere since I had made the condescending comment much earlier. So to me it seemed like he blew up and became angry during the car ride over an innocuous observation that I had made about some travel plans we have. But none of this did we discuss during fight number 2 because while we’re having fight number 2 he is again screaming at the top of his lungs. And even though I was acknowledging I have my own communication issues, once I brought up the emotional abuse topic, he does not hear that and says things like I’m trying to get him in trouble by accusing him of abuse. He yells at me to leave him alone and throws a small, empty styrofoam container against the wall (not me), and as I’m telling him he’s just proving my point and needs to get it together he screams “EFF YOU!!” And that is where we are. We have not spoken and are avoiding each other while living under the same roof. He has not apologized and apparently doesn’t feel a need to do so. This is not typical of how we argue, but there have been something like 3 other times in our 8-1/2 years together that he has thrown something at a wall when angry (a phone for instance). I don’t really have a question because right now I just don’t see how I can continue in this relationship. I’m just dreading having to undo a big part of my life at this stage of my life, and I’m sad that I’m also letting go of all the good parts of the relationship of which there are many, believe it or not.

    1. I believe that there are good things about him — or why would you be there so long? But I am glad you’re drawing the line here. It is unacceptable and you deserve better.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    2. Both of you were really in the wrong here. He was wrong to scream at you both in the car and after when you talked about it. You were wrong to accuse him of acting like an abuser and to try to resolve the issue by insisting that he apologize without talking about what happened first. Go to counseling to resolve your terrible communication issues, or break up.

      2. What? He IS acting like an abuser. Actually, scratch “acting like.” Screaming and throwing this IS ABUSE. How is it wrong to point that out to him?

        1. No, screaming and throwing are abuse alone (otherwise toddlers would all be abusers). Screaming AT someone and throwing things AT someone (or for the purpose of intimidating the other person) is abuse. The OP said her husband was screaming OVER her in the first instance, and then didn’t scream at her in the second instance until after telling her to leave. And he threw a soft object at a wall – throwing styrofoam is not even close to intimidation.

          That doesn’t mean the husband is in the right. He was disrespectful and generally acted like an angry child. He needs to learn to control his anger and communicate better. But OP is not helping resolve any of those issues by insisting that he had certain intentions and definitely was wrong, instead of saying how his reactions made her feel and trying to figure out what caused them. If she doesn’t want to wait around while he tries to improve, fine – I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who screams all the time. But she can’t pretend like her reaction was at all constructive in making the situation better.

        2. Screaming and throwing things at a wall is bad behavior and certainly a reason for ending a relationship but it is not abuse, and saying it is dilutes the meaning of the word abuse.

      3. Yes, it sounds like perhaps the Op fundamentally has no respect for some of her SO’s opinions, which probably manifests itself in her behavior. I’m not saying it not a problem for him to act like that, but sometimes just carrying around that resentment/disrespect becomes an insurmountable problem, no matter how long you try to ignore it in favor of his better qualities, because it’s always going to be there and pop up. Maybe you can work past it with counseling, maybe you can’t.

        1. Yup. OP – you said you don’t respect his views. If you don’t respect him, you shouldn’t be with him – before you even get to any troubling behavior on his part.

    3. If he won’t address this in couples counselling you need to leave.

      Highly recommend a Gottman Institute counselor. We wasted time on a counselor who had treated me (did a great job/very well regarded in his field) for anxiety in college – he was garbage as a couples counselor. Going to a properly trained couples counselor is crucial – we’v made huge progress that I never thought was possible.

    4. That sounds terrifying. I’m sorry you went through that. I will never understand why grown men think they are entitled to have screaming, throwing things style temper tantrums but their SO isn’t entitled to her feelings of fear or worry about his choice to express himself that way.

      Like, I’m definitely guilty of having screamed at the top of my lungs at an SO in the past. But I never thought it was OK for me to allow myself to get like that. I was always ashamed. If my SO had told me he felt I was being abusive, yes I would’ve been horrified but I would’ve blamed myself not him.

      1. but it sounds like OP didn’t talk about her feelings of fear (I feel scared/freaked out when you yell like that), but rather was accusatory towards SO (your response is what an abuser would do). Doesn’t excuse his behavior, and it sounds like there are also a lot of other relationship issues, but if you do want to save the relationship there are a lot of fairly simple communication strategies you can try when there is conflict. Although contempt is also a sign of impending doom, and it sounds like you feel a fair amount of contempt towards him, so maybe not worth it.

  23. So, I want to do some work on our home. It’s <3 yrs old, but many, many things were not done well, and I want things done correctly and then I don't want to touch it for a while. Here's the list:

    – Add some walls and reconfigure a couple of closets in the basement
    – Re-do Master bath (subfloor is cracked, basically requires gutting)
    – Replace all of the hardwood floors (they're warped because they were not installed correctly)
    – Replace our fridge and add some cabinets in the kitchen. Replacing the fridge (with what I want) would require removing a narrow cabinet that's currently aside the fridge to fit a wider one in its place.
    – Replace a vanity/sink in the powder room
    – Paint interior

    Most of these items are BIG jobs, 2nd and 3rd on the list would be required for resale (though we are not planning to do this anytime soon) and would probably require that we move out for 2 months minimum (or relocate to the basement.) The other items would likely lead to higher resale value, given the spec of similar homes in the neighborhood. I'd estimate that the home has appreciated by over 30% since we moved in, and we're in a HCOL city, in a currently "hot" neighborhood, but this appreciation assumes that everything is in good shape, which it's not.

    This will all cost a ton of money (probably $100k minimum), though I think it'd be worthwhile in the long run.

    My question to you all is: How to people typically pay for these types of things? Home Equity Loan, or do they wait until there's a giant bonus coming in and pay cash? DH can make 6-figure bonuses, but that's not a given and we also want to put money away for emergencies, a new car (eventually), vacations, etc. We have savings (retirement and mutual funds) so we're not on the brink or anything, but DH and I are on different pages WRT how to pay for massive remodeling jobs. I'm team Loan, DH is team Cash.

    2. Cash. You can’t have everything at once – pick new car, home renos or vacations.

      1. +1 For most of us, home renovations are something we have to save for and sacrifice other things we want to buy in order to do them. If you’re not willing to cut other fun stuff from your budget, you shouldn’t do this remodeling.

    4. Often, you do it slowly over the years as you have the cash to do it. Or get a lawyer for #2 and 3.

      1. Often, you do it slowly over the years as you have the cash to do it. Or get a lawyer for #2 and 3.

    5. If these are issues with the construction, any chance the builder will correct? Would getting an attorney involved change things? If it’s wrong in your house, it may be wrong in your neighbors’ houses as well.

      But, to answer your question – I am on team Cash, unless a loan would be short-term (like paying off with a bonus coming in a few months). But it may cost less than you think, especially if you have one GC who can handle it all.

      1. I don’t think OP’s cost estimate is very far off, but I think she’s overestimating how much time they’d need to be out of the house. If the house has another full bathroom I don’t see why she’d have to move out at all. Contractors are used to working with people who are still living in the home. The only possible hiccup is if she wants site-finished floors and you can only access the house from one floor – you’d have to be out for a couple of days while the stain sets.

    6. Do it slowly when you have the cash. Taking out loans to do this kind of stuff is exactly why so many people don’t have savings.

      I also think $100k is on the low side as an estimate for this, particularly if you want a contractor with a reputation for good quality work, which I assume you do since you’re trying to correct shoddy work. I’m in a LCOL area and I’m pretty sure my contractor would charge more than $100k for all this work.

    7. I don’t necessarily have advice, but if it were me, I’d want to figure out a way to do this all at once for a few reasons. First, I have found that it’s really hard to find people to do small reno projects. I’ve been looking for a closet revamp for years and no one ever will do it because it’s not a big enough project. Second, I would rather do it all at once to minimize the hassle factor. If you’re moving out, just do everything at the same time and then move back in.

      So for me, that probably looks like putting down a big chunk of cash, and then financing a piece of it. I would be comfortable taking on that kind of debt. (I always get nervous saying that here, because I know everyone is TEAM CASH! – but I think that under certain circumstances, including these, that debt can be a useful tool.)

      1. Most of these things wouldn’t require moving out for, though. The hardwood floors is the only one I think we would really require the homeowner to move out of the house. The rest of the things you can just work around while living there by using other rooms. Things like painting can easily be done in a day or two while you’re on a vacation too. I haven’t had any problems finding people to do remodeling projects of this scale.

        Taking on debt to upgrade a perfectly habitable house because you want to do remodeling now, not in five years when you’ve saved up the money, is irresponsible, plain and simple. It would be a different story if the house weren’t habitable but it sounds like that isn’t the case.

        2. You can’t be serious? So say I have 40-50% equity in my house and I want to pull out 10 or even 20% for a renovation, you find that to be “irresponsible”? If that were the case, I’ve never met a responsible person before.

    8. A few people mentioned it, but I really think that it bears highlighting: in a house of that age you should have recourse against the builder for items that were installed/completed incorrectly. This can be a total pain (ask me how I know) and require retaining a lawyer in many cases, but they should be responsible for the costs on the bath and floors.

    9. Have you spoken to a realtor? I’m not an expert but my sense is that very few home remodeling projects will recover the value dollar for dollar. So if you spend $40k on a kitchen remodel, it might increase the value of your house by $20k but not $40k. If you want to do this to make your house a nicer place to live in, go for it, but it’s not something I would finance because that $20k difference between the cost and the increased value is essentially no different than a vacation or any other optional purchase. If you want to do it solely to increase resale value, make sure you’ve gotten an expert opinion that the value will actually increase by more than the cost of the remodel. Then and only then would I consider financing.

      1. +1 to this. I bought a fixer-upper, and do cash for all because I have yet to do a project that would increase the value of the home MORE than the cost of the project. Even redoing our kitchen will likely be cash when we do it 5 years down the road – it would increase the value by maybe 50K but we estimate it’ll be closer to 80k in costs. (We’re changing the layout including doors, windows, and walls.)

        Btw I assume you have more than one bath. We just redid our master, and did not have to vacate the house. We just showered in the other bathroom. And the whole bathroom, which was a gut job, only took 1.5 weeks from start to finish. We had our hardwood sanded and stained, and that took 3 days. We got a hotel and treated it like a mini-vacation.

        Not knowing your area, 100k seems very low for that list unless you’re doing a LOT of the labor and paint yourself. Get some estimates from reputable contractors, then add ~20%, for a realistic price point.

    10. I would be comfortable doing a home equity loan as long as you are still over 20% equity in the house when you are done with the remodel. That’s basically equivalent to an 80% mortgage.

    11. a three year old house with the much wrong with it – I’d look into getting a lawyer because it sounds like the property doesn’t live up to workman-like standards…. just sayin’

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