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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
Oooh: hello. This tweed suiting (with just a touch of stretchy elastane) looks awesome over at Nordstrom — I love the fall-friendly charcoal color, as well as the flattering peplum and collar. The pants are fitted ankle pants; the matching skirt has an interesting lace hem (but know your office!) — and if you want a really modern look, there's a belted vest in a matching fabric that does look pretty cool with the pants. I especially like how the pieces look great together but are strong enough to wear as separates. The jacket (Vince Camuto Tweed Peplum Blazer) is $159, and the skirt (Vince Camuto Tweed Skinny Ankle Pants) are $99; both pieces are available in regular, petite, and plus sizes.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
RGH
Thinking about dyeing a pair of white jeans. Didn’t wear them much and when I did, of course I got stains on them. Just not a white pants person I guess. Any ideas about what would be the best color? I’d like to do black or grey but I think it might just end up looking dirty. Any success stories or tips?
Wildkitten
Do it. They might take a while to turn really black, but nothing RIT can’t do.
Calico
I’ve had initial success doing this, but the color faded very quickly. Definitely be wary of white/light surfaces that you sit on afterwards, and definitely wash them by themselves several times before including them in a joint load of laundry.
tesyaa
The dye fades so quickly. If the jeans are not super expensive and/or flattering, I’d forgo the dye job and buy something I really like.
AZCPA
Do they have spandex/Lycra in them? If so, they likely won’t hold onto color, resulting in a blotchy mess. But if you can’t wear them as is, might as well give it a shot.
TorontoNewbie
I bought a pair of J brand jeans on crazy sale (likely because they were this horrific light grey / ombre white acid wash) and spent $25 getting them professionally dyed black. They lasted for two years perfectly until I eventually ripped them.
Wow
Speaking of suits, I have rediscovered Lafayette 148. I always associated that brand with being a little frumpy, but I found some fabulous suits on sale that are really sharp and tailored on my hourglass frame. And mostly entire wool, as well.
Canadienne
How do Americans get so much consumer and CC debt? I’m perplexed as to how the average person gets so much credit. In Canada your ‘first’ credit card you get at 18 only comes with a $500 limit and as adults most people have limits in the 5-10k range. My sample are all degree holding professionals mainly with government jobs so I assume their credit limits ate fairly average. Do people just get as many credit cards as possible?
Wildkitten
Different cards will have different benefits, and one of the things we get scored on on our credit scores is debt to availability ratio, so if you are going to charge $500 to your card, it’s best to have a card with a much much higher than that limit. With all those limits, and stores pushing cards at you every time you shop, it’s super easy to get a lot of credit availability and then a lot of debt.
Wildkitten
Also I’ve noticed that new credit cards are usually granted at the same limit of whatever credit I have available. So if you have a $10k limit CC, you can get 5 more 10k limit CCs.
Anonymous
I really hate the smugness about debt on this s!te. A lot of people seem to live in this privileged bubble. Not everyone learns about proper money management as a teen/young adult. Being financially wise and educated is a very privileged thing. Sometimes debt is the only way the less privileged can pay their bills or buy food. It’s unfortunate but it happens. Not everyone has a steady career, good salary and a big savings account.
Wildkitten
And Canadian CC debt average is $3700 and American is $5700, so clearly both countries have it.
Anonymous
While I generally agree with you about people not recognizing the privilege of financial education, I think the OP is asking more about availability of credit. Which I think is a really valid question. Credit is available in extraordinary amounts to people who don’t really quality for extraordinary amounts of credit.
My first credit card out of law school had an $18k credit limit. I was making $60k/year.
When I bought my first car for $25k, I was making $70k/year and they didn’t ask for paystubs. Just ran a credit check. And financed me at 1% for 5 years.
I think the answer to the OP’s question relates to credit scores. In the US, access to credit is usually a function of your “credit score” which is based on your credit history and their assessment of how risky a credit customer you are. Unfortunately, because credit cards make money on interest, people with some amount of credit risk (routinely carry large balances but always make their minimum monthly payment) are typically able to still get a good amount of credit made available to them.
Canadienne
The availability of credit is exactly my concern.
Anonymous
Adding to what I wrote above, credit scores are important for all lending, including mortgages, apartment rentals, even jobs! If you never open up any credit, you have a low credit score because the agencies can’t assess your credit risk. The lower your credit score, the worse the terms of mortgage financing will be and the more hoops you’ll have to jump through to secure a mortgage. Low credit scores also make it hard to get an apartment, and can show up as a red flag in a job background credit check. Consequently, we’ve started teaching our kids to open up credit cards in college to help “establish their credit score.” There’s a lot of contributing factors to why people actually use their credit and accumulate debt, but the bottom line is that credit is relatively easy to get.
nutella
My parents did that for us, too. We each got credit cards when we were 16 to pay for gas. Those credit cards were really key in establishing a solid credit history for something as simple as getting a cell phone, then later apartment leases, jobs, mortgages, etc.
No bones about it, though, teaching us good financial education IS a privilege.
Anonymous
I heard a great story on NPR about this nonprofit helping youth do just this, especially youth who don’t come from communities with lots of access to quality financial services and education. I think they were called MyPath or something like that…
Anonymous
I grew up poor and had parents who were poor for generations. Those people had to budget and be responsible otherwise they’d have no food and nowhere to live. They didn’t have anyone to bail them out.
Over time, I have tried to live that way with big ticket purchases (i.e., drive cars forever, live in a modest place, use raises for extra savings). I waste money all the time and feel like I can afford to be dumb (sometimes!) now, whereas I couldn’t before.
I feel like people support whole families larger than mine on what I pay in taxes and wonder if I’d get my 100% frugalness back if I had to go back to it. It bothers me how wasteful I can be (and really irks me that my husband, who grew up in relative comfort, often acts like he is too good for leftovers, used cars, or thrifting).
Bottom line: if you have no $, bad $ habits are a luxury you can’t afford
lost academic
But I see plenty of people who DO – maybe not insanely bad crisis situations but I see plenty of bad habits from people who did come from generations of poverty. Both situations can hold true – there are people who manage money very wisely because they must and because they have been trained well to separately from the level of their true need, but not everyone manages their own personal finances perfectly when circumstances change.
I will also say I’ve seen plenty of people who have no money and came from no money who also do have bad money habits. It’s just not as simple we would like it to be.
Anonymous
most people reading this site did not rack up debt buying food or paying rent to prevent themselves becoming homeless.
Poor kids in law school
I did. And I read this website. I was a young mom with an under employed un-educated husband. I did what I had to do during law school to pay rent and eat. I am proud of it. And I would do it again. And was not the only lady in law school who struggled. It is short-sighted to think that people who read this website have never struggled with poverty.
Anonypotamus
Ditto. Dad died when I was young, mom was a fresh off boat immigrant when he passed with limited skills for American workforce, so I had to fund college with loans, work and credit cards for the balance. Took over a decade after graduating from college to pay those off but then got into a worse situation going to law school. Figured I could dig myself out once, should be able to do it a second time. Did not anticipate the recession. Oh well.
An.on
Right, and on top of that, not everyone is from a well-off family that never needs financial help. Also, somepeople have parents who get credit cards in their name as children, ruining their credit scores before they turn 18.
Anonymous @ 3:28, do you think you could at least convince your husband that stews and soups are more flavorful as leftovers? Also, new cars precipitously drop in value the moment you drive them off the lot. Thrifiting is harder if your body type is more unique, but there are great finds for those with patience.
Anonymous
I was surprised many, many years ago that the one card I had while in law school, when I did not even have a job, kept raising the limit by astronomical amounts, without me asking, into the mid-five figure range.
New
A lot of people try to keep up with the Joneses.
Dulcinea
Well nowadays it’s a lot harder. But back in the early ’00’s, the cc companies were handing out credit like candy. I got my first card when I was about 19, and they raised the limit every month ( by $500 or $1000) when I paid off the balance, plus kept offering me new cards. at the time I had no credit history and extremely low income. I believe but am not sure it is now illegal for them to automatically raise your limit unless you request it (to avoid tempting people). I had a $15k total limit between 2 cards by the time I was 23 and again, had never had a permanent full-time job.
Here’s an article on a similar issue that probably has a lot in common with credit cards: http://www.nclc.org/issues/misaligned-incentives.html
Basically, lenders make back their money pretty quickly with at least a little interest, however, the very high interest rate means the borrower is hardly making a dent in the total debt. So even though you would think lenders only want to lend to people who will pay back the full amount with the actual interest being charged, actually, they just want to lend to as many people as possible. Also, google “bad paper.”
CountC
AMEX just raised my limit without me asking, so I don’t think that practice is illegal :)
Anonymous
+1, not illegal.
lawsuited
+1 Banks are not allowed to unilaterally increase your credit card limit in Canada.
Killer Kitten Heels
This is exactly what I was going to say – anyone in their late 20s/early 30s or older was credit-card eligible in the early 2000s, when they were basically handing out CCs like candy (actually, on my college’s campus, they were literally handing out candy to people who signed up for CCs with the bank branch located in the student union), and as long as you paid your bills on time, your limit just kept getting increased – at one point (as a student primarily living off of student loans) I think I made something like $8K in income for the entire year, and had, across 3 cards, a $20K credit limit.
I don’t think it’s like that anymore, but as long as you continue paying your minimums on time, your limit generally won’t get lowered, even if your limit is higher than what it would be if you applied for the same card today.
Anonymous
I think a lot of people get credit cards because you can get something for free or you can get a discount at a store for using a store card.
anon
I only have one and the limit is around $30k. I’ve had it for over 10 years and they just sort of keep increasing the limit. It was something like $3k when I first got it. My first cc when I turned 18 was $500 and they increased it to I think $5k by the time I closed it when I was ~24.
I think a lot of the debt issue is just not paying attention. I was surprised that my cc debt got up around $10k a couple months ago. I got busy at work and just sort of forgot to look at my card. Pretty much everything I buy online (which is pretty much everything I buy) and a lot of stuff I auto-pay (think, gym membership, Netflix, pest control) is linked to my cc because I don’t like to put my debit card out there. I paid it off quickly because most of the expenses were normal budgeted things; the money was sitting in checking instead of going where it needed to be. But it’s definitely difficult to figure out if you’re overspending when you don’t keep track of what’s coming in and going out.
It’s kind of like overeating for me. If I’m tracking my calories, I know when my urge to eat more is just in my head and not because I’m actually hungry. But if I’m not tracking, I’m going to eat when I “need to” until all of a sudden my pants don’t fit.
anon a mouse
I think this is an important point. People get into the habit of paying the monthly minimums, which over time will not actually reduce debt. It feels manageable because the payment is relatively small compared with the overall debt. Combine that with the fact that people tend to buy more when they are paying with plastic, and you have a vicious cycle of overconsumption and not paying anything down.
The best advice I heard on this (as mentioned by someone here too) is to always treat anything on credit as though it is a debit card and pay it off in full every month. If you can’t pay cash for it today, why do you think you can pay for the item plus 20% interest down the road?
Anonymous
Credit card companies in the US give people way too much credit. When I was in college and law school and had a negative net worth (lots of student loan debt and no income, very minimal savings) I got offers all the time for $20k credit lines. Take out one or two of those, buy whatever you want and you’ve got yourself $50k of consumer debt easily. Also interest rates are high so even a small amount of debt can spiral if you just pay the minimum amount each month. I don’t follow it closely but I think other countries regulate this industry much more than the US does (and that’s one of the things Elizabeth Warren is trying to change).
Sydney Bristow
My first credit card had a $500 limit then I got one more with a $3000 limit. I maxed these out, made a few late payments, and ended up with a credit score in the 500s.
After paying them off and not using them, my score went up. Then the late payments started dropping off my report and it got into the 700s.
After figuring out my spending and getting everything under control, I started getting new rewards credit cards. Since I pay off my balances about weekly as charges go through, my statement balance is always $0 or really low. I think 15% of your credit score is based on your credit utilization, which gets better and better the more credit you have available that you don’t spend. So now I have an 810 score and around $75,000 available credit. It was a long road to get to this point, but I trust myself to continue treating it like a debit card and if I couldn’t pay the amount immediately I just don’t buy it. Barring an absolutely incredible emergency that wipes out our emergency funds, I’ll never use anywhere close to my available credit on any of my cards. It’s weird to me to have that much available, but that’s how the credit score game works in the US.
I’ve been able to capitalize on the rewards, so it’s worth it to me but it absolutely can be a trap.
Fellow Canadian
Don’t be so smug. Canadian also have awful levels of credit card debt. Americans are worse off mostly because they often have higher student costs and higher health costs – most bankruptcies in the US are because of medical bills.
There’s plenty of irresponsible spending on both sides of the border.
Canadienne
Its not smugness. I literally could not get enough credit to rack up 50k in credit card debt. I’d have to go get a whole bunch of cards and even then I can’t imagine they would even approve me.
Fellow Canadian
I’d be shocked if you can’t get 5 credit cards with a $10 000 limit if you make mid-five figures.
My BMO card started with a $1200 limit and they kept increasing it until the limit was $16 000 and I told them to stop and that is when I was a student with a minimum wage job.
Canadienne
Maybe it’s age related? Hubs and I are 3 years out of University. Making 6 figures combined. Good credit comprised of previous student loans, car loan, and rent. I’ve never expressly asked the bank about rasing my limit but once a year they will usually add an extra 1-1.5k.
lost academic
If you tried, you could do it. And a lot of people your age are doing just that.
TO Lawyer
+1 I don’t necessarily agree. I’m Canadian and I have a few credit cards (for different purposes) but on my primary credit card, they keep raising my credit limit. Plus, when I was looking for a place, the bank told me I could qualify for a mortgage far more than I could actually afford.
I don’t think high levels of consumer or other debt are a US only problem. In fact, I would venture a guess that the primary cause of differing debt levels is medical debt. In Canada, since most of it is likely covered by our health care system, we don’t have to incur large amounts of debt to pay our medical bills.
Anonymous
I probably have about $100,000 in credit limits across my cards–multiple for various rewards, rewards always outweigh any annual fee. I have always paid off the entire balance every single month, never had higher than 10% utilization (and even that was one time right after a vacation in which I footed most of the bills for rewards and got paid back from others on the trip), and my credit score is ~825. Income is around $150k and the more recent cards I’ve applied for have granted limits of $20-25k. When I was in law school living on loans but still had a good credit score (albeit more in the mid 700s than where it is now) due to being an authorized user on my parents’ card beginning in high school, banks would automatically grant a ~$10k limit. Net worth was in the red until about a year and a half ago due to student loans, and just paid those off earlier this summer, so it was clear from my credit report that I had other fixed debt payments, to the extent that factors in. I don’t know how much of my high limits is a function of my high credit score, showing that I can have access to this much credit and not touch it, or if they dole this out to everybody.
That said, I have friends who panic if they apply for a card and are given a limit over $3,000, and think it’s irresponsible that I have such a high total limit. I’d much rather practice the ability to control myself than have their mentality that credit is an evil temptress out to get them and must be avoided as much as possible. The opportunity to blow your budget can arise in so many ways, and restricting your access to credit is not a guarantee of financial prudence.
Anonymous
I grew up in the foster system and was homeless once I turned 18 and aged out. When I finally got an apartment, but still didn’t have a job, I was able to get a credit card with a $5000 limit and a $15,000 line of credit. A 19 year old with a 10th grade education and no job or credit history, no bank account and nothing to use collateral. I look back and shake my head at how that was possible. But I never had anyone to teach me and back then I thought I had won the lottery.
Sydney Bristow
Most cards check your credit, but in my experience they just ask you for your annual income. So you could literally make up any number. I’ve never had a credit card issuer check (although I never lied). That seems a little crazy to me. Even crazier that you used to be able to do it with mortgages!
CPA Lady
It also depends where you are in a recession cycle.
I started college in the early 2000s and got my first credit card with a credit limit somewhere between $750-1,000. My sister started college a couple years later when they were handing out credit like candy, and her exact same “beginner” credit card from the same bank had a beginning credit limit of $5,000. Even at the time she thought that was insane. Luckily we were both really careful with money. As unemployed 18 year olds with no credit history whatsoever. Either of us could have easily applied for additional cards at that time.
My husband got his first credit card in his late 20s, during the recession and his credit limit was $500, despite the fact that he had a job and had always paid all his bills on time. His limit went up quickly, but that was all he qualified for when banks were being insanely cautious.
Calico
The most surprising thing just happened to me and I thought it would be fun to see what the Hive thinks. Unbeknownst to us, my brother’s ex girlfriend painted a portrait of DH and me from our wedding. We only found out about it because the gallery is using it in their promotions for the show which is on her FB. She’s very talented and we love the picture. Would it be unfair to my brother (and his current gf) if we were to buy it? Also, I keep thinking of Sigourney Weaver’s character in Working Girl- a total narcissist with paintings of herself everywhere. Would it be off-putting to people who saw it and didn’t know the backstory?
Wildkitten
Ask your brother what he thinks.
Anonymous
I would totally buy it!
But… how ?odd she painted it without you knowing. How did you find out? You saw yourself on a poster somewhere… on the side of a bus?!?
Calico
Her gallery posted the image to FB and tagged her in it. Not quite bus level, haha! :)
Ellen
I agree with Anon. Buy it and show it. She will be FLATTERED! Ed and Rosa comisioned a local artist to paint an OIL painting of Ed, Rosa and the Kid’s. It was wonderful and they gave it to Ed’s parents. Dad was P.O’ed b/c he has nothing like it other then photo’s. At some point Dad said he would get an oil of Rosa’s kids without the parent’s b/c he was so P.O’ed.
But in your case, do NOT hesitate to pay for the picture, and consider giving it to your parents, especialy if they do NOT live nearby. YAY!!!!
Anonymous
Buy it! Proudly display it! I have a photo of me at a dance exhibition at age 19. It was a cultural dance, and it was actually in a museum exhibit. They gave it to me after, I gave it to my mom, and I wound up with it. A decade and a half later, I love having it on the wall, and I always get compliments. So no, I don’t think its narcissistic. Its art, and you’ll probably get some (positive) questions and compliments. You can say, an acquaintance painted it. No need to go into it being your brother’s ex.
TBH though…I think its weird she didn’t tell you she painted it. I’d say the same if a random person on the street took my photo and painted a picture of me without notifying me.
SW
Maybe she started it while she was still dating the brother and planned to give it as a gift or something, but they broke up before it was finished? That’s the only way it isn’t super weird.
Calico
I can see how it sounds weird, but that’s always been her process. She works from photographs and paints an abstract version. I know she gets some of her inspiration from stranger’s public Instagram photos, so it could happen to anyone. I think it’s similar to the Shepard Fairy/AP Photographer debate over the Hope poster. I also agree with SW, that it was probably started as a gift and then my bro dumped her. It’s been years now so I guess she decided to sell it instead, which is reasonable to me.
Anonymous
I would ask your brother what he thinks before buying it.
I personally think it’s a little weird and narcissistic to display large images of yourself anywhere except your bedroom. I know not everyone shares that opinion, but I always cringe a little when I go to someone’s house and they’ve got canvas wedding photos all over their living rooms walls. I don’t see a distinction between a photo and a painting, however, so if you’d proudly hang a wedding photo of the same size I think it’s fine.
Anonymous
See: Scheana Shay from Vanderpump Rules
Senior Attorney
I totally see a distinction between a photo and a painting.
anon
If it’s obviously you and DH and not just “inspired by” your wedding, it was pretty rude of her to paint and publish it without asking you first. She was (presumably) a guest at a private event. You don’t get to take someone’s image in private and then profit off of it without even making sure they’re cool with it. Heck I even have a clause in my contract with my wedding photographer that images from my wedding belong to us and cannot be used for any purpose. I’d be livid if someone did this to me.
Anonymous
Your wedding photographer’s images from your wedding only belong to you because you contracted that they belong to you. Because you paid her to own them. If you hadn’t, she would be able to “take [your] image in private and then profit off of it without even making sure [you’re] cool with it” all day. In fact, your wedding photographer did exactly that- she took your image, and profited from it by selling them to you.
anon
The photographer wouldn’t have been able to take pictures and do what she wanted with them because she wouldn’t have been at the wedding in the first place but for the fact that I hired her to come to my private event to take pictures. She had my permission ahead of time and we were able to discuss the parameters of that permission. That’s exactly what the ex didn’t have – OP’s permission to create an image of a private moment that she could then go out into the world and publish godonlyknows where and make a profit on it.
This isn’t even like sharing pictures on facebook where OP can see them, this is doing stuff with OP’s image that OP doesn’t even know about. Not cool.
Anonymous
So, if I’m invited to a friend’s house, and while there, I make a mental impression of her laughing at a funny joke. You genuinely believe that I can’t go home, paint a portrait of her laughing and sell it without her permission? That line of thinking would truly revolutionize the art world.
I mean, sure you could be mad about it, but she “gets” to do it. Here’s why: http://www.owe.com/resources/legalities/7-issues-regarding-use-someones-likeness/
mbg
Art doesn’t work the way you think it does.
emeralds
OP, here’s a similar story for some solidarity :) My ex from college’s best friend took a photo of me, that I had taken, from Facebook and turned it into a mixed-media piece in her senior art show. We were not Facebook friends when she created the piece so literally she Facebook-stalked me into using my face and my image in her thesis show. And then she knew I was coming to the show and didn’t say anything about it beforehand? Like I showed up and was like, “Oh cool, all your art! …and also…my face??”
I was (and remain to this day) 50/50 offended/flattered. It would be 100% flattered if she’d just told me beforehand.
Calico
Oh sure, I get that. That is odd that she wouldn’t even tell you before you showed up.
Luckily this painting is very abstract and my face is not visible at all. I don’t think anyone would recognize us unless they were at the wedding. I was not bothered at all that she did this, and know that she’s well within her rights to do it. I’m much more concerned about the dynamic of my brother and also how it looks to have this large painting of us in our home. It feels a little weird to me, as someone mentioned above.
Honestly, to reference the other thread, it will likely come down to us not buying it because of money. We weren’t budgeting for this as it was totally unexpected, and it’s not cheap! She does usually sell out her shows so I guess someone else will have it on their wall, which is totally funny to me.
Finance frustration
I am having an issue with my husband and finances. I generally manage and track our money month to month and rely on him to send me the amount of money he is paid and spends each month outside our joint accounts. I also rely on him to tell me his student loan balance and send him money each month to help pay it off.
He realised yesterday that he has been looking at an unconsolidated total for his student loans, so has been underestimating the balance by about 50%. I asked him for the login information and found that although my payments have been going in, he has been paying the minimum most months. I thought he was paying at least $1k over the minimum each month, and sometimes more. I have been giving him at least $3k a month toward his loans and sometimes much more.
We both make lots of money, and I make about 60% more than him. He claims that he was putting as much as possible into his loans and that he is just bad at managing money. His finances are complicated because he has a lot of work travel (expenses and reimbursements) so yeah, it is not as simple as emptying his checking account into his loans each month, but I think he should have a process to manage this and he just doesn’t.
I can’t figure out how to help him manage his money without just taking over for him. I feel that we should both have a handle on our basic finances and this falls under that bucket. So I don’t want to take over. I’m also super angry that he has not been pulling his weight with his own loans (in my opinion) and I don’t know what to do with that anger.
Overall not a huge problem but please help me handle it so we can fix this in the future!!! Sorry for all the text.
Wildkitten
How does he feel about you just taking it over for him? You’re married so it’s both of your money, it’s both of your debt, if he wants your help and you want to provide help that seems like a perfectly valid option.
Finance frustration
Like I said, I think it is important for both of us to have a handle on it. We are solid now but I would never want one of us to feel financially inept and teathered to the relationship because of it.
Wildkitten
Does he think it’s important for both of you to have a handle on it? It seems like that is something you guys need to talk bout because it sounds like right now neither of you has a handle on it.
Finance frustration
It was working this way because he wanted to handle the loans. So I think it is important to him too but honestly it is non negotiable to me. Obviously we do need to talk!
Cat
What is the difference between the amount you transfer to him and the amount he actually paid to his loan? If we’re talking thousands per month unaccounted for, that’s really different than “oops I forgot to submit that $100 in expenses so I ate it.”
I’m in disbelief that he would think he only owed HALF of what he actually does, but let’s start there…
Anonymous
Loans CAN be complicated, and his compensation with reimbursements/expenses isn’t straightforward, either. He could legit be bad at managing all of this. I wouldn’t automatically blame him for not pulling his weight, although I hear you about how frustrating it must be to find out he’s actually far more indebted than you thought. I’d use this as an opportunity to sit down and have an in depth look at your/his finances. I’d also speak with a financial planner to figure out how to best attack his loans and payments. If he keeps being irresponsible/screwing up, then that’s another conversation. But give him the benefit of the doubt now.
Dulcinea
Confused by what you mean when you say ” although my payments have been going in” – you mean, he is basically pocketing money you send him for the purpose of paying the loans? Or that you are making $x monthly payments towards his loans and he is just paying the minimum when you guys had agreed he should be paying minimum plus $y?
Finance frustration
The money I give him is going toward the loans. He is paying minimums on top of that and sometimes a little extra.
Dulcinea
So this is just an organizational issue? Setting up auto pay, whether through your lender’s website or your own bank, is not hard. Is the issue that with the reimbursements he can’t keep track of the balance in his bank account? I understand it can be a hassle… but it’s not actually difficult, just tedious, to balance your checkbook…you can also just be sure to always keep a solid “cushion” in there if you don’t want to constantly be balancing it every day. He can schedule a time once a month or once every 3 months or whatever to go through it all with a fine-toothed comb, and figure out what extra chunk can be thrown at loans.
Finance frustration
Yeah we have talked about having a buffer for the reimbursements but it is not working for him. I think it is an organisational issue for him, and a disinterest or lack of knowledge about how to reconcile his account.
Anonymous
I read it as the latter. OP is paying $3k a month toward husband’s student loans while husband is paying the minimum amount.
Anonymous
Maybe this is me projecting… it might be because I have next to no tolerance for dishonesty about money but… This is a huge problem. HUGE.
He didn’t make a mistake. He lied. He stole from you. He took $3k which should have been allocated toward student loans, he paid the minimum, so less than $1k (?) and pocketed the rest? This isn’t a guy who “mismanaged his finances.” This is someone who was hiding the fact that he’s spending money in a way he doesn’t think you’d approve of. If it were me, I would make him account for that money. I would tell him separate finances mean separate finances and force him to figure out how to pay his student loans on his own. If he wants the benefit of combined finances he has to live with the burden of it and everything has to be accessible.
Finance frustration
No, sorry, I did not explain. The money I give him has been paid to the loans. In addition he pays the minimum each month and sometimes $1k extra.
Anonymous
Ok, yea, I think that’s a very different situation for sure. But it’s still a problem. Your expectation of what he should be paying per month may or may not be reasonable. Y’all need to sit down and look at his finances together. Don’t take control of his accounts, but understand what’s coming in, what’s going out and what the general big picture looks like every month.
My husband does a ton of reimbursements and expenses for work. Here’s how he does it: He has a separate business checking account. The only thing he does with that account is pay his business credit card bill. Charges everything work related to a separate business credit card. He keeps the checking account loaded with about $1000/month. When he pays his business credit card bill out of his business checking account, he transfers money from his general checking account (but only up to the amount reimbursed by his company). It forces him to stay on top of turning in his expenses and eliminates the risk of spending money he’s not being reimbursed for out of that account. Keeps things really neat and the transaction history is very easy to check against his credit card expenses and reimbursements.
Finance frustration
I did the same with the separate account and card when I had a lot of work expenses. I’ll run the idea past him, thanks!
Anonymous
This is exactly what I was going to suggest.
I’m actually surprised he managed this long without doing this.
Anonymous
+1 to this approach, though if his company’s procedures allow it I would eliminate a step by depositing the reimbursement checks directly into the separate checking account so there’s no transfer from the general account and opportunity to get confused about how much money he really has available in the general account. My firm uses direct deposit for paychecks and issues a paper check for reimbursements that can be deposited into any account, so this is how I would do it if I had more business expenses, but HMMV.
Sydney Bristow
Can you get him to track his spending? It could just be a running list, spreadsheet, or app like YNAB. He should highlight or color code things he’s waiting for reimbursement on and when he submitted those requests. Being bad at managing money is so much worse when you throw reimbursements into it.
Since student loan payments don’t change month to month, you should be able to set up auto pay for the amount you both want to put in there. I’m a little unclear what happened. Were you transferring money to him to pay loans but then he wasn’t putting that entire amount to his loans? If you have a joint account, I’d just set up autopay out of that account.
Also, I’d sit down and both of you log in to each account you have (banking, credit, and other debt) so that you’re on the same page with what you have and what you owe.
Finance frustration
I give him a different amount each month based on my income and expenses that month. I think he does have the minimum on autopay.
Thanks for the budgeting idea – I think that would help a lot. At least would get him to think about it and maybe could get us talking more.
Anonymous
Can we check the language here:
I give him
my income
he pays . . .
Maybe change to
You both have
You both earn
You both pay
You seem to be angry that he is taking your $. It is y’all’s money, so no reason you can’t go ahead and pay y’all’s bills with it. The current system doesn’t work and is making you ragey.
Anonymous
That’s not necessarily true at all. There’s no reason it has to be that way. It might be that way in my marriage and it might be that way in yours, but they absolutely can have his income and her income, his bills and her bills, etc.
It’s inconsequential anyway. Even if their finances were totally combined, I would be angry, too, if my husband wasn’t sacrificing to pay off debt while I was.
JayJay
That jumped out at me, too. Imagine a husband saying that about his wife. It’s both of your money and your current situation isn’t working, so change it.
Finance frustration
That’s a good point. We do have mostly merged finances so I should rethink this a little. I think I wanted to make the logistics clear (they got muddled anyway!) but this is a great point.
banana
If she doesn’t like how her husband handles his money the solution is not to give him control of hers as well. If they don’t live in a community property state it’s not *their* money.
Sydney Bristow
Dave Ramsey suggests a monthly budget meeting, which I think has merit. My husband and I have kept our finances separate because we are so set in our ways, but I’d be all over the monthly meeting idea if we had joint accounts.
Anonymous
Just take it over, set an autopay, and make it transparent. If you get hit by a bus, he’ll know where to start.
Anonymous
1- it’s awesome that he actually told you instead of hiding it from you.
2- yes to all of the suggestions about separate account for work expenses/reimbursements (some employers can direct deposit into two different accounts; so it may be able to be automatic)
3- yes to all of the suggestions about budgeting — if he is bad with money, he either needs a strict allowance (“our budget provides for you to spend $100/week, period, including gas, groceries, and lunches”) or strict categories (“our budget provides for you to spend $100/month on lunches and eating out, so if you’re going to dinner and drinks with friends, plan to bring your lunch this week”). Both of those suggestions are very patronizing, but i’m using shorthand and hoping you can adopt the ideas into your relationship in a way that doesn’t turn you into his mother.
anon
I’m really good at managing money. My husband would be OK for the basics (getting bills paid on time, etc), but loses his way with the big picture stuff like investing, retirement saving, tax optimization, etc. I also enjoy handling finances, whereas it is a chore to him. I agree with you that we both need to have a handle on our finances.
The way we solved this problem is that we do the “strategy” part of money management together, while I handle the “operations” part. In other words, when there is a decision to be made (should we refinance our mortgage? are we saving enough for retirement?), I lay out our current situation, our options, the pros/cons, and then we discuss and decide together. I then do the work to implement our decision, as well as the normal maintenance tasks of paying bills, monitoring accounts, etc. Our finances are 100% merged, and this works well for us because everything is optimized perfectly according to our joint priorities. He also is aware of all of our accounts, and has all the login info/passwords (and can easily see it all in one place on Mint for a general overview). If he needed to take over everything tomorrow, he could. But he doesn’t need to do anything now, unless I come to him with a question.
(One important note – this sounds like a lot of work on my part, and it is. But he makes up for it by taking on 100% of a different chore: scheduling and attending medical and other appointments for our children, as well as daily transportation to/from school).
Finance frustration
Thanks for laying this out. Maybe we could move to a similar system.
anon a mouse
+1. This is what we do too. We jointly developed a strategy but then I executed it. It takes me like 60 seconds to make payments online, and then I don’t have to keep asking him whether it’s done. It’s just part of our routine. I’m better at the finances, but he’s better at executing other things, like home repairs.
Anonymous
Aside from the student loan issue, he should have all of his work travel/expenses on one credit card that is not used for personal expenses to keep a clear separation.
He needs to take an active role in fixing this.
Finance frustration
He does have a separate credit card for work.
Beth
Re: work travel: get a separate credit card and ONLY put work expenses on it. Better yet, see if he can get a Corp card. Corp card was a game changer for me.
Finance frustration
He has a separate card and it is a corporate card but he has to pay the balance and get reimbursed.
Anonymous
Wait, so you are giving your husband 3k for student loans, he is paying 1k, and stealing the rest?!?
Divorce him.
Anonymous
Is this what’s happening? I thought it was that he underestimated the loan amount so it wasn’t being paid down as quickly as OP thought?
If there’s any question, definitely make him print off the student loan records to show you that he’s been paying the $3K against the loans every time you gave it to him. If he wasn’t doing exactly that, you have bigger problems. There is 100% no excuse for him to have used the $3K for ANYTHING other than loans without discussing it with you BEFORE he used it on something else.
Anonymous
OP is putting $3k from her account toward husband’s student loans. She thought husband was also putting $1k from his account into his loans, but he’s not, he’s only putting the minimum toward his loans.
Finance frustration
Yeah this is not what is happening, as I have re-explained above.
Anonymous
My husband and I were in almost your exact same situation several years ago – he had loans, I thought he could do a better job paying them off, he kept pleading confusion with business expenses (consulting, full time travel) and I was just angry. Finally he admitted that the root of his issue was that he was self conscious about how much money he made/ how many loans he had versus my salary/loans, and that he shut down every time I brought it up. So, and I know this is contrary to the very good financial advice given here, I dropped the subject for awhile. It drove me crazy but I did it. And then after a couple of years things shifted – he made more money, his loans seemed more manageable, he changed jobs and just started feeling more confident about money in general. All of a sudden he got motivated on his own and we had the loans paid off within the year.
So all this is to say – I am totally with you and on your side, but sometimes you can’t force someone to change their behavior to match yours, especially in a situation where the immediate negative effects aren’t substantial (contrast, say, paying off CC debt). Gretchen Rubin’s habits stuff helped me realize this after the fact. Just know that there’s not one right answer to this, and it may take trying a few strategies including letting this go.
Emmer
Because of a bunch of gift and other returns, I have about $500 to spend at Bloomingdales (a store I don’t typically shop at). I could use a new large, everyday tote, and I think I need a weekender bag for work travel. But I’m also pregnant (second trimester), so I’m wondering whether I should get some version of either of these bags that could also fit baby stuff, if that’s even possible. Thoughts or suggestions?
Calico
I use an insert organizer made for baby stuff in a regular leather tote from Cuyana. Sorry I’m forgetting the name now, but it has so many different compartments and is so useful. So if you find something you like at Bloomingdales you could always purchase the insert.
AIMS
Check out LeSportsac diaper totes and weekend bags – may suit your needs.
Delta Dawn
I think people overestimate how much baby stuff they need to carry. If you take baby somewhere, the must-haves are 1) three or four diapers, 2) wipes, 3) bottle (if bottle feeding), and 4) change of clothes. Optional are 5) bib, 6) blanket/towel, and 7) toy(s). None of this takes up a lot of space– I carry it all in a zipper cosmetic case (large for a cosmetic case, but small enough to fit into my large personal tote). You can also have a diaper bag just for baby stuff, and take out the zipper pouch when you just want to throw it in your own bag.
So, if you want a new large, everyday tote, I would buy a zipper pouch of some sort that can hold 5-10 diapers, wipes, a bottle, an extra onesie, a bib, and a rattle. Then I would take that pouch shopping with me and make sure whatever everyday bag I buy is big enough for the pouch.
For the weekender bag for work travel, I wouldn’t try to accommodate baby stuff. If you do travel anywhere with baby overnight, you’ll need a separate bag for baby anyway (or, a two-person bag for the both of you, bigger than a weekender).
Anonymous
A change of clothes in winter is a lot of stuff, depending on how old your baby is and how cold it gets. Plus, if they eat solids, often you travel with some in case you get stuck somewhere. In size 3 diapers, just one extra would fill a cosmetics case.
AIMS
Also, depending on where you are you may need a diaper changing pad which also takes up space. I am pretty minimalist when it comes to baby things but being in NYC and without a car means I am changing baby in random public bathrooms and I’d rather not just put her down there without a pad. I have one of those skip hop changing station things and it takes up a chunk of my bag/diaper bag. When I am just running a quick errand, I only take the “changing station” with me but I actually wish I got a bigger diaper bag to accommodate all the crap you need for a day at the grandparents.
Anonymous
May I suggest disposable pet accident / housebreaking pads? I had to change my kids on places that were wet / icky and didn’t want to have to put something that touched it back in my bag. These block wetness coming through from underneath and then you can throw away. They don’t take up any room. Also good for when after they have throw up on the car seat and you’re not home yet.
AIMS
I have thought about those and will sometimes take a few from the doctors’ office (they use them to weigh the baby). It’s never a wet or soiled surface, so mostly not an issue.
Delta Dawn
She said she was pregnant, so I assume she wants to make this purchase for a newborn, who won’t eat solids yet. By change of clothes I mean a onesie to replace the one that must be replaced post blowout, but no, you won’t be able to carry a full winter wardrobe in what I have described. My child is in size three diapers, and the zipper case I carry holds five size 3 diapers along with the other necessities. It’s a large cosmetic case that I got at Target. It works for me for an afternoon outing.
ChiLaw
Sometimes I wonder if this is insane but for most of the times we go places with our baby (ok, she’s 20 months now) we don’t bring a diaper bag? We change her right before we leave and again when we get home, and she hasn’t had blowouts or leaks in like, over a year? If we’re walking somewhere usually there’s a blanket (shade/warmth) and a snack in the stroller. If we’re driving sometimes there’s a snack in the car, and probably a towel or something in the event of a real diaper emergency.
When we go somewhere for the day there’s a lot of gear, but it could just as easily go in any other kind of bag? We put it in a messenger bag with a lot of pockets, usually. Sometimes a backpack. I’ve never fully grasped the point of a diaper bag.
anon a mouse
The MZ Wallace Kate is a large everyday bag that might meet your needs.
Alternatively, you could think ahead about some things you might want for your baby. They carry Stokke high chairs, for example.
2Phones
I prefer to keep work stuff off my personal phone for many reasons and I’m fine carrying two phones. IT doesn’t have great phones or plans on them though since most people just use their own phone. I’m thinking of getting a refurb phone with a pre-paid plan for cheap so I’m not trapped in 2 cell phone contracts (and can use the word stipend to cover the majority of costs). I’ve never done the prepaid phone thing before. Any experiences or potential downsides that I’m missing?
rosie
No experience with prepaids, but services such as SmartTalk could be another option–cheaper and avoids the contract issue.
Anonymous
I have two iphones, personal and work. It doesn’t matter, since the company is paying – just get the nicest one they have. You shouldn’t be trapped in a contract, it will be on a corporate account.
2Phones
It won’t be on the corporate account. They just give a monthly stipend to cover whatever your personal plan is.
Anonymous
This makes sense. I won’t put work on my personal phone either. My job gives me a second phone but you have to sign away all your rights (they can confiscate it, etc if needed due to security, a law suit, whatever) to put anything on your personal tech, and it’s just not worth it.
I actually did this for an old job. I had no issues.
katy
I use a Google Voice number and prepaid T-Mobile. If the plan becomes less great, I can just switch to any other prepaid service and keep using my same number. I used to have Verizon prepaid, but T Mobile had better reception in my house. The other great thing is I get reimbursed up to $100, and prepaid is only $55/mo so my whole phone bill is covered by company reimbursement. You just have to buy your own phone up front.
comfiest professional clothes?
What are the comfiest professional clothing items you own? What makes them so great? (Please give info/links if you can and share if you think they’d work on only specific body types/etc.)
anonymouse2
Ponte sheath dresses from Talbots or LandsEnd, mostly purchased on sale. Most of mine have sleeves but occasionally sleeveless but I always wear something over. I wear them with nice jacket – usually Chanel or shorter jackets without lapels or those that would not be part of a *really* formal suit and also with “swacket” or structured cardigans. Not formal enough for an interview but good for everyday in my finance field. I think most body types would work depending on the cut. I’m a short apple.
AIMS
I always say this but Eileen Fisher pants – they feel like pajamas. I’d say they are not the most attractive pants I own but def. the comfiest.
Anonymous
+1 to Eileen Fisher (and JJill, which has some similar silhouettes at more affordable prices). As an hourglass/pear hybrid, it’s not necessarily the most flattering, but they are work appropriate pjs so… I’m good.
a govnd
Im wearing the soft thin formal Express pants right now and they’re very comfy. I agree, I like to be comfy at work.
anon anon armani
Fit and Flare “scuba” dresses that I find on sale at Last Call which is Neiman Marcus’ outlet. Also on Amazon. Usually Maggy London, Donna Morgan, Eliza J brands. I’m very much an hourglass. Toss on a solid blazer or cardi for a more causal look and I’m out the door.
ChiLaw
Ditto to the materials and brands! Also sheath dresses from the same brand. Love it if they have elbow length sleeves, then I really don’t have to think at all.
techgirl
When I need to feel cosy I love a knit dress with booties.
APC
Office furniture question – I just moved to a new office that’s a bit bigger than my last one. My office is generally going through a remodel right now so the space does feel a little more ‘mine’ than my previous office that I just inherited from someone. I have a good chunk of empty corner space and would LOVE to have some sort of lounge chair/ottoman. I am the type of person who works best when comfortable, but also I occasionally have bad pain that is only made better by lying down (I’ve gone to my car to lay down for an hour when it’s really bad). My concern is that I’m not ‘senior’ enough to warrant that type of furniture in my office. I’m the most junior level of person who gets their own office (most people get cubicles). Ultimately my question is when is it weird to have lounge furniture in your office? TIA!
APC
I’m thinking of something like this: https://www.walmart.com/nco/Kebo-Chair–Ottoman-Black-and-White-Geometric/39152650
Also I want to try to see if I can salvage old office furniture from this remodel – I think it’s less weird if I recycle something? But if I can’t? Thoughts?
Anonymous
I’d love to hear the hive’s thoughts. I know it’s a Know Your Office kind of thing, but I can’t get a read on my office! All of the partners have their own furniture (they get furniture allowances) and all of the associates have provided furniture, but the associates really vary in how much they decorate their offices. I don’t think any of them have added furniture, though… that being said, I have heard partners say they like to see a really decorated/individualized associate office because it reflects their commitment to sticking around (I didn’t hang diplomas until 3 months after getting here and everyone commented about how relieved they were that I’d “decided to stay.”)
Anonymous
It would be pretty weird where I work.
Blonde Lawyer
I work in a firm and have a love seat in my office. It was there when I took over the office. It’s wonderful. At least three other attorneys here have couches and another has a chair/ottoman. Oddly, one of the attorneys that does not have a couch, naps every afternoon in his office chair. I’m comfortable sitting on my couch with my door open and but I usually close my door if I’m going to lay on it or have my legs up, particularly because my office is close to areas that can be client facing like conference rooms.
Heartbroken (Anonymous)
This past Monday was my 30th birthday. I was supposed to take a trip to New Orleans with my boyfriend. Instead I spent my birthday alone because he broke up with me on Sunday. This week we were supposed to sign the lease for our apartment because we were going to move in together in November. He said he wanted to end it before the trip and the moving in because he didn’t want to string me along any more. He’s blocked my texts and emails and gone no contact. My family lives in a different state and all my friends are too swamped at with work to go out in the next few days. I have been sitting at home alone because I had already booked the time off work and my firm has a policy where you can’t cancel vacation at the 11th hour because they plan for people to be absent. Also to top it all off, I found out that my ex from my the relationship before this one got married on to Saturday to the girl he started seeing a year after our relationship. Not really a question, just needed to get that out and off my chest.
Heartbroken (Anonymous)
*started seeing a year after our relationship ended*
Sydney Bristow
I’m so sorry.
Can you take yourself out to a movie to get your mind off of it for awhile? I’d do that, get a pedicure, and order takeout from your favorite place (bonus points if it’s something you didn’t eat often since he didn’t like it).
Wildkitten
Oh girl that was me a month ago. THERAPY IS SO HELPFUL. I also really like the book “Coming Apart.”
New Tampanian
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Maybe take yourself out to dinner? Go to some nice restaurant that you can afford and sit at the bar. Make friends with people who sit near you.
OR
Take a personal day and go to the spa.
I find that puppies and kittens always help in these situations. Not an out of nowhere adoption but visit a shelter or a friend with pets and hang out with them.
Anonymous
Event virtual pets work. Something Really Bad happened to me and I kept my head above water by filling it with icanhazcheezburger-dot-com and animal memes.
Anonymous
YouTube “cute animals” or get Ben Schwartz’s line of postcard books “Grandma’s Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals,” “Why Is Daddy in a Dress?” and “Maybe Your Leg Will Grow Back!: Looking on the Bright Side with Baby Animals”
Anonymous
No lie, when I was really depressed in college watching the live stream puppy cam online helped.
Terry
Basset Hounds Running, if you’re a dog person
http://www.bassethoundsrunning.com/category/snow-bassets/
It always cheers me up.
Emmer
I am so sorry, that sounds awful. My only advice is to view the vacation time as a blessing – if it’s too late to take another trip, book yourself a spa day, or see if a friend can play hooky with you and go to the movies or something. Find the best ice cream or wine bar or whatever floats your boat in your city. Go on a hike somewhere beautiful. Or just sit at home and Netflix binge if that’s what gives you comfort. Just give yourself the space and time to process, and be kind to yourself. Hugs.
anonymous 7
I’m so sorry this happened. It sucks that he strung you along to the point where you had taken time off and were about to sign a lease. Are you able to treat yourself to a solo vacation somewhere with your remaining days off? Or go stay with your family in a different state for a couple days? I know that probably sounds like a lot of effort right now since you’re hurting, but the change of scenery could be really good for you.
Anonymous
What city are you in? If you’re willing to share, there might be some posters on here who would be happy to meet you for a drink, pedicure, dog walk, etc. I went through a similar experience a few years ago and was really touched by the readers in my city who filled my week with dinners and brunches and interesting conversation to take my mind off the heartbreak.
Hugs.
...
What city are you in? maybe we can offer suggestions that are local for you? ((hug))
Nati
Yo, we could also take you out for birthday drinks!
Anonymous
If she is in DC I am totally in.
Meredith Grey
+1!!!!!!
Been There, Done That
I went through this exact same thing 4 months ago. And I was devastated!!! In fact, I posted on here for support. I followed a lot of these suggestions, got back in therapy, took care of myself, relied on family and friends. And the strangest thing happened 2 months ago….I met a new man out of the blue and he is better and this relationship is better than any one I have ever had. You never know if something happens just because something so much better is just around the corner. I never believed that before…in fact, I didn’t even know relationships like this existed. But they do, and I found it. Hugs to you, and know that something amazing is out there even when things seem like they are awful.
Senior Attorney
Oh, I’m so sorry! That must be devastating!!
Be kind to your sweet self and just remember… the only way out is through!
Better days are coming. I promise.
anon anon armani
Absolutely. You have a full wonderful life ahead of you. This week is the first step through to those days. I promise as well. You do and will Rock It.
AIMS
I was really excited about this suit until I saw the skirt, but that is a giant bowl of no in my book. The pants are cute but I hate ordering pants since most of them end up needing alterations.
Sydney Bristow
I broke my pants fast and ordered several styles from Boden. Still a no go for me. Aside from a pair of jeans, I just don’t own any pants right now. They just aren’t flattering on me right now. At least I’m not spending the time taking them to the tailor to be hemmed!
anon anon armani
Enjoying NYDJ ponte slacks because of this… except things always need to be hemmed.
Wow
That skirt is all kinds of awful.
anon-oh-no
I usually like “interesting” skirts that others pass on, but not this one. That said, I ordered the jacket and pants because they are super cute. we shall see how they fit.
tesyaa
Didn’t even click through to the skirt at first, but it is hideous!!
ArenKay
This skirt needs a trigger warning.
Never too many shoes...
I am kind of surprised by all the skirt hate. I love it.
Anonymous
I work in finance. I applied for an internal job in my office that would be promotion for me. Four of my other co-workers did as well. They gave the job to the temp who was brought in to cover the maternity leaves that myself and my three other co-workers have taken. Their rational is that she has worked here for two years straight knows the job and the clients better than anyone at the company. It stings and I know all three of my co-workers are just as bummed out as I am about not getting it.
Anonymous
To make it less confusing, the team I am on has five permanent workers (myself included) and one temp worker. All five of us permanent workers applied for the job, but it was offered to the temp even though she didn’t apply. She has worked here on contract for 2 years covering whoever was on maternity leave so we wouldn’t be down a person. Her contract was up at the end of the month because all of us are back now and no one is pregnant.
Anonymous
So what it boils down to is that they gave the job to the only 1 of the 6 who didn’t take maternity leave in the preceding 2 years. Was she otherwise more qualified? It’s hard to tell whether they took time away for maternity leave into consideration as a negative or if during the course of her uninterrupted 2 years she gained advantages related to the job that the other 5 didn’t.
Either way, that sucks and I’m sorry.
Anonymous
Their rational is that she worked in the department for two years straight and knows all the ins and outs. At least one of the other five people was out on maternity leave and it was always that as soon as one person cam back another one was leaving. They also citied how she has never taken a sick day and always worked on weekends, holidays and overtime if needed (whereas the rest of us have babies or small children and this was not possible for us). She’s not a bad person and she is a good worker, but it still feels like we are being punished and it stings. I know at least three of my other co-workers feel the same.
Anonymous
This is one of those tough situations where companies simultaneously tell us that they want to support working moms but also that they want to promote the most dedicated people and then by promoting the non-moms send the message that moms aren’t “dedicated.”
Hard workers should get promoted, but people with families shouldn’t been seen as not hard working solely because they have families.
Anonymous
It’s not your season for this. It was in the past. It will be in the future. Run your own race.
Anonymous
We are hard working, but it’s like having 2 jobs where the second competes with the first. It’s like a job with travel: thanks, but no thanks. Not the right season in my life for that.
Anon
People without babies and small children still have commitments on evenings and weekends that they hate to miss.
Anonymous
Anon at 4:08, I totally agree with you. But often companies don’t. They assume mom = otherwise committed and non-mom = committed.
My husband is in sales and always gets assigned the “late shift” at events because we don’t have kids. The boss literally tells him “You don’t have kids, so you’ve got the after school shift.” The late shifts are often the ones that lead to after event drinking and that’s where all of the real bonding and sales get done. They don’t even ask the parents if they want the option of the late shift. They just assume everyone will be happier if the non-parent takes it. It’s that subtle bias that results in my husband’s sales numbers being up, forming better relationships and getting promoted.
Anonymous
sounds like they wanted to keep her and felt that offering the promotion was the only way to do it. If her term was up at the end of the month, she may have had alternate offers to use as a bargaining chip. She may have refused to stay unless promoted.
Anonymous
You at least got to have maternity leave and work at a place that hires up to keep others from being overburdened. At my workplace, people often have to work on leave and the rest is done with no additional staffing. Which is awful for everyone. I’d consider it a win for you and for the temp.
Anonymous
WTH is in the water where you work?!
Dallas Help?
Looking for something to do on a quick trip to Dallas this weekend. It seems all there is to do is eat and drink – please tell me I’m wrong! Probably to hot for Klyde Warren/Aboretum.
Any thoughts? Thanks!
Anonymous
Saturday will at least be decent in the morning, so I’d try to fit in KWP/Arboretum then if you can. After that it will be hot with a chance of storms, and Sunday is predicted to storm all day, so not the best visiting weather, unfortunately. But the DMA, Nasher Sculpture museum, and Perot nature & science museum are all right there along Woodall (the highway that KWP is on top of) and would be great rainy day activities. White Rock Skate is a rollerskating rink in the Lake Highlands neighborhood that is closing soon and could be a fun rainy day activity that isn’t just sitting around. (If you’re not familiar, Lake Highlands is the northeast side of White Rock Lake, whereas Arboretum is on the south side–maybe 15 minute drive apart).
Otherwise, people do tend to just go to the mall, movies, and indoor bars and restaurants when it rains, if they venture out at all. Be prepared for drivers who think a single raindrop is the greatest blizzard since 190-whatever.
Jane
By our standards, it will be cooling down this weekend. I don’t think there is a lot to do in Dallas for visitors. I love the Nasher sculpture museum, which is near Klyde Warren Park. Half of the Nasher is outside. If you like to shop, North Park is a gorgeous mall (as in the building itself and the art inside are great) and Highland Park Village has amazing stores. Of course there is the Sixth Floor Museum if you’re interested in JFK. Otherwise, yes, there are a lot of eating and drinking options. I think 560 at Reunion Tower is a great place to get drinks because I love the spinning ball.
JayJay
The Dallas Museum of Art is fantastic and free. The Sixth Floor Museum is really cool and I take visitors there all the time and they love it. It will be cool weather (for here) for Klyde Warren Park. I’d also suggest checking out the Bishop Arts area and Deep Ellum. This is the perfect time of year to visit the Arboretum – their fall display is world famous.
Anonymous
The aquarium is indoors and better than most! Also +1 to the Nasher.
a govnd
What can I do in the evenings in Nashville other than eat? I’m on an extended work trip here but no other colleagues are traveling. The food has been delicious too.
Suggestions for a bar or place to watch the debate on Monday night?
Lilly
-The Belcourt theater is a historic theater in the Hillsboro Village area that tends to run art house films and old-ish movies. This Friday night is Pulp Fiction.
-For first run movies, if i were alone, I would feel perfectly safe at the Green Hills Cinema. Right next door is Table 3 restaurant. If you go, please have a salad nicoise with a glass of Sancerre followed by the salted chocolate mousse for me. The duck confit with lentil salad is good too. The chocolate mousse is to die for. The theater is at Green Hills Mall, which is a pleasant place for strolling and window shopping. Or really shopping.
-google the Blair School of Music at Vanderbilt for current music events
-more music: Saturday evening at Christ Church Cathedral is St Martin Voices concert. They are associated with St Martin in the Fields.
Nashvillian
Are you downtown? Or Midtown? An interesting place to watch the debate might be the Oak Bar at the Hermitage Hotel. It’s a serious political hangout, so could be interesting. I am not aware of any specific “debate watching” locations beyond that though. The Frist Museum is open late on Thursday and Friday nights, I think, and has an interesting show of Italian cars right now. Depending on how much you’re willing to spend, I might check out a show at the Ryman – it’s an experience even if you don’t love the group.
janiesasquois
If you go to the Oak Bar, be sure to check out the men’s room down there. It’s QUITE something. (And it’s famous, so it’s routine for women to go in and see it!) Family Wash in East Nashville is a restaurant with live music every night – you can check the schedule online. They have pint and pie night on Tuesdays (shepherd’s pie and a pint of whatever) but also great all-day-and-evening breakfast food and lots of other good things on the menu. I’d be careful about walking around East Nashville alone in the evenings – it’s a popular area but also popular for crime – but Family Wash has its own parking lot and is not in the busier Five Points area.
UGHGH
Ladies help. I am an associate in a law firm that doesn’t support closed doors for associates. I sit next to a very busy and popular secretary that supports my partners, and near those partners. I LOVE her and its important to keep a good relationship (plus she’s been here for 25 years), but my GOD I am so tired of the constant noise and socializing. She and the partners yell back and forth to each other and I sit 15 feet away. I don’t know what I can do (probably nothing, so I’m really just venting), but I just feel like I’m going to pull my hair out. I have been super anxious/distracted recently and have taken to staying super late simply to have some peace and quiet to get work done.
Killer Kitten Heels
There’s nothing you can do about this except hold out hope that the opportunity to switch offices becomes available at some point. If multiple partners are doing this, it’s very clearly the culture (and it’s also a pretty common culture, at least in the law firms I’ve worked in), so you’d come across as, at the least, kind of tone-deaf for complaint about it, and at worst, as uptight/a bad fit/entitled millennial/etc.
FWIW, I think you’re already doing the one thing you can do, which is come in early/stay late to get things done when noise is not a factor.
You could also (depending on your firm culture) maybe get away with occasionally taking yourself to the firm’s library or a small unoccupied conference room or something to focus if you’re working on a really intense project, but that’s definitely a “know your office” sort of move.
OCAssociate
Maybe white noise or the Noisli app will help? That should help dampen some of the extra noise.
That would drive me crazy, though.
anonymous 7
Has anybody travelled to Colombia, Costa Rica or New Zealand recently? I’m usually a master trip planner, but these destinations are fairly broad and I feel like I don’t know where to start in researching/planning.
Background: I’m planning a 10-day winter trip for my SO and I. We are in our early 30s, enjoy exploring other cultures/cities as well as outdoorsy things (day hikes, snorkeling, etc.). We aren’t really beach people, but would go to a beach destination if it also offered things like hiking, wildlife watching, water activities, urban life, etc. (for instance, we loved Hawaii for these reasons). Let’s pretend that budget is not an issue.
Where would you go? What should I be considering in each place? Thanks, Hive!
bosstown
I think the only thing missing from your list in CR is the urban stuff. San Jose is not really that nice/great to spend time in and the other cities are fairly small towns. But the outdoors activities are outstanding. With 10 days you could do a beach/coastal area (maybe east coast to see the sea turtles?) and then also I would go south to corcovado national park – rain forest that is so gorgeous with tons of wildlife, still relatively untouched (they do tourism in a pretty sustainable way to keep it that way) and is cool and rugged but still very comfortable. I was with my olde rparents so no adventurous things but plenty of cool night hikes ,kayaking, horse back riding, etc.
Anonymous
I recently stayed at Rancho Pacifico in Costa Rica and loved it. We did a lot of hiking, had a few beach days, did a river kayaking trip, went to Manuel Antonio and saw lots of wildlife, and also enjoyed daily spa treatments. I would probably spend 5 days there and then the other 5 days elsewhere in Costa Rica, maybe around Arenal/Monteverde.
Anonymous
A- Zika.
B- go to New Zealand! Colombia and Costa Rica can be done in 5 days.
pockets
I’ve been to Colombia and Costa Rica. Cartagena in Colombia fits what you want, it is an old colonial city with a lot of urban life and sights to see. From there you can go to Parque Tayrona, which is an amazing national park with hiking, wildlife, and basic adventuring (you’re going to be basically sleeping in a jungle).
Costa Rica has something for everyone, but my husband & I are beach people so we focused a lot on beach towns. There are some really terrific, off-the-beaten-path beaches there.
pockets
As a data point, we did Cartagena-ParqueTayrona-Bogota in about 10 days. If you really like the outdoors, Parque Tayrona is amazing. Tourism in Colombia is way less developed than tourism in Costa Rica, which is a plus or minus depending on what you’re looking for.
Anonymous
Go to Panama! You can explore the colonial city and canal in Panama City, plus all of the Eco tourism/beach destination activities you can see in Costa Rica. Copa Air flies direct from several US cities (and could be a good option to get to Colombia, too).
Monte
I’ve been to Costa Rica and New Zealand, and have planned (and had to cancel) a trip to Colombia.
New Zealand is probably the best trip I have ever taken, and I would not go there for 10 days. It just isn’t nearly enough. I went for a few weeks and regret taking that short a trip there. If you do decide to go for it, pick 1 island (perferably, the one you can get to on a direct flight).
I would do Costa Rica with 10 days, and would consider Colombia for that amount of time. As said upthread, San Jose is not a great urban environment, but the outdoorsy options are varied and fantastic. Between nature conservatories, ziplining, horseback riding, hiking, surfing, yoga, star gazing, and just sitting quietly to recharge, you can have a great trip. The only thing I would keep in mind is the impact the rainy season can have if you decide to rent a car — a SUV/truck is probably a must.
I think you could also do some combination of Bogota-Cartegena-coffee plantation-Lost City in that time. I would consider how long you want to spend in each place, how comfortable you are with the overland versus air travel options, and go for it. That is a trip I am dying to do.
Anne Elliott
Ten days is perfect for NZ South Island.
And northern hemisphere winter is gorgeous summery weather there.
Anne Elliott
NZ offers great outdoor activity incl hikes, treks, etc. It’s the most beautiful place I’ve seen.
Clueless.STEMgrad
Is this suit an appropriate color for an interview? “Classiques Entier Two-Button Mélange Suit Jacket” at Nordstroms. It is a light grey color. I am a grad student in a STEM field (not engineering or math) and I will be interviewing for industry and/or government research jobs within the next few months to year. I like this suit because of the cut of the jacket, because I think the color will go well with a black a-line (work appropriate) dress I have, and because it’s on sale. I was at a Nordstroms recently and I tried on the Halogen black suit but I didn’t really like the cut of the jacket.
I have seen here that grey, navy and black are all appropriate for interviews, but is this suit too light? For reference, this field is definitely not as conservative as law, finance or medicine. At conferences no one wears a full suit and jeans are common, at all levels. Even people interviewing for, and getting, faculty positions do not always wear full suits to interviews. I live somewhere where I can bike/walk everywhere, which I do, and my current style is “this could be business casual on a Friday if I changed out the jeans/skirt I’m wearing for slacks”, so I’m still trying to figure out all the rules.
Anonymous
It is definitely appropriate. My only issue with color of suit for interview is seasonality. In that it certain shades of light gray might look a little off to some in the winter or deep fall. That may be region-specific though, as I am somewhere with four specific and well defined seasons. Looking at the specific suit you reference, however, I would not view it as too “summer-y” even if you were it in the dead of winter here.
Clueless.STEMgrad
Thank you. I currently live in a more two season area of the country but may be moving back to a more 4 season area (Midwest) for jobs so I’m glad this color should work there.
Jeffiner
I work in a STEM field (engineering) and I think this would be fine. We totally do “business casual on a Friday if we changed out the jeans” every day, and people here don’t wear full suits to interviews. The STEM field would consider this suit to still be conservative.
I polled some of the other (very few) women in my office, and they agree that you’d look great in a suit like that for interviews. And that the pieces would also stand alone nicely in other outfits.
Clueless.STEMgrad
Thank-you. I am looking for something that would work well with other outfits both for budget reasons (grad school stipend) and because I just don’t really like shopping for or buying clothes very much.
Kkt
I love it! Late to this thread but I think its appropriate for 3 seasons (DC area STEM person here) and would look great over a black dress, or even with dark teal or green or navy if needed. I’ve also found that Classiques Entier is way, way, way better quality than Halogen, and I try to pick up pieces on sale whenever I can.
Greensleeves
Is it the Taupe Melange color? If so, I interviewed for a relatively high level position in that suit, so I definitely think it’s appropriate! It is a darker taupe than it looks in the pictures and I think it could be worn at least three seasons. It’s definitely taupe, not gray, though. It looks great with black.
Not That Anne, The Other Anne
Late reply, but in case you’re still looking at this, Hello fellow STEM person who is looking at government or industry!
I am also in STEM, in a very casual field and position, and this is completely fine. You’ll look put together but not too stuffy.
Also, Potential Welcome To the Leaky Pipeline. Your welcome packet acknowledging that academia is not for all is in the virtual mail. :)
Clueless.STEMgrad
Thanks! Put together but not too stuffy is my goal. : )