Coffee Break: Jae Seaside Dot Travel Cosmetic Bag

136 Comments

1. I rent a SFH and my landlord lives next door. He is doing construction on his house and asked me to let him know if anything needs to be fixed/updated while he has contractors out all the time. What are reasonable things to ask for?

   FWIW we’re his first tenants at this property. It’s about 50 years old with nearly all original fixtures and he lightly renovated some things before we moved in. We’ve been here 3 years and probably will be at least two years longer.

   My real wish would be for new kitchen countertops–some idiot painted the laminate and now the paint is scuffed up beyond belief!–but I’m not sure if that’s feasible given that the solid wood cabinetry is original to the home. I will ask if that’s not unreasonable though!

   1. I mean it doesn’t hurt to ask! I recall that in my childhood home, my parents replaced some banged up laminate counters with granite, and it wasn’t an issue with our old cabinets.

   2. If you have a good relationship with him (likely, after 3 years) and plan to stay for a couple more, I think you have broad leeway to ask for what you want, knowing it might not get done. I’d give him a list of 5-10 things, depending on your needs, with priorities.

   3. We replaced our laminate w/ granite and kept the original cabinets, no problem.

   4. Countertops can definitely be replaced without changing or damaging the cabinets, and I think replacing old laminate countertops is a more than reasonable ask.

   5. My parents have gotten new counters but kept the existing cabinets twice. Definitely worth asking about.

   6. Bring him over and show him the countertops and ask if the contractors can address that. I wouldn’t phrase it as demanding a replacement. I would frame it as identifying an issue. Let them be the ones to suggest they be replaced (which they no doubt will suggest)

      Now is the time to get a new hot water heater or in sink garbage disposal installed. Those things last about 10 years in my experience.

   7. As an alternative to replacing all of the countertops, there is a special countertop paint. My parents used it to conceal the orange laminate counters in their 70’s home and it was actually transformative and functional. So you could say to LL that you know replacement is a big ask, so perhaps new paint would be feasible?

2. I’m looking for tips / advice on how best to support my grieving husband. I appreciate any help given. My mother-in-law passed away last week from COVID-19. My father-in-law is also in the hospital and we have been informed that his passing away is imminent. The week before last my husband’s uncle also passed away from the virus. My brother-in-law (who hosted the get-together where the virus spread) has the virus but his has been mild so far so he’s at home. My pregnant sister-in-law is currently in the hospital as a precaution but will probably be released soon.

   My husband is obviously devastated and grieving and now there’s going to be a third death in the family in three weeks. I’ve never experienced death in my family (I’m an only child as were my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents. I never met my greats but my parents and grandparents are alive and in good health) or had any friends / people close to me pass away. I love my husband’s family and I’m grieving too but my husband has taken this so hard. I don’t know what to do to help him. I feel like everything I do isn’t enough or wrong. I know I can’t magically make the pain stop but I want to do what I can to support him.

   1. I honestly have no advice, but want to say that I’m so sorry. What a terrible situation, and it’s entirely understandable that both your husband and you are just stunned by grief and not sure what to do.

      1. If you have close friends that you can tell about the situation, could they start a meal train or arrange to have dinners delivered to your home for a few nights? When we had a death in my immediate family, not having to think about meals was really helpful – there was no way I’d have been able to cook. Some friends even sent paper plates and cups so we wouldn’t have to do dishes. There’s realistically not much you can do for your husband except to be there. The fact that you’re asking shows how much you care and that you’re trying. I think that’s all one can do.

   2. I’m so sorry for your loss and your husband’s loss. All you can do is just be there. Be a solid presence for him, let him grieve however he grieves, and just take care of yourself. Make sure you both have enough to eat and sleep.

   3. One of the worst things about my husband’s parents dying 19 days apart was the number of important decisions that had to be made in a very short period of time. He isn’t always good with making decisions one after another, especially when the results would be fairly public. Afterwards I took responsibility for making a lot of the day to day decisions for a while. I decided what we would eat for dinner, when we went grocery shopping, etc. About the only decision he had to make for about 2 weeks after was what he wore to work. Giving him a break made him feel like he could take care of himself.

      He may also feel like he is being abandoned. Every day, I would tell my DH “I am here, and I love you, and I am staying here next to you.”

      My FIL went first, unexpectedly. MIL had been in the nursing home for 7 years when she died. It wasn’t easy, either way.

      Make sure that you have support, too. I relied heavily on some close friends and on my mom to listen to my own grief. The ring philosophy is real and works. Just don’t let yourself be drained dry before you reach out for help.

   4. How awful – what an immense loss. I am so sorry.
      I don’t really have any actionable advice – but grief is unpredictable. My wife was “fine” after my MIL passed away, but a couple months later she definitely was not. This isn’t going to be a linear process.

   5. My parents bought plots already, near all of their relatives. So I know where to put them when they go (they are old, can’t imagine either would remarry). Most people haven’t done this, so maybe ask him if he knows the answer and if not, ask if you can look up places that would make sense. That is sort of the first thing to decide after the burial / cremation decision.

      Then financial stuff / executor. There will be some bills / insurance things to deal with and someone has to do that. Is there a will for either?

   6. I’m navigated a similar situation last year and first, my condolences on your losses.

      Second – the most useful things I have been able to do are, as others have mentioned, (a) handling everything practical from making dinner to hiring people to clean out the IL’s borderline-hoarder house to doing the laundry and doing the estate taxes/paperwork, (b) constantly reiterating that you’re there and love him, and (c) being really patient with him and letting some things slide. This is a tough time and it’ll be a tough year or two ahead.

      Outsource whatever you can afford (from cleaning to laundry to meals to taxes), take time off to be together if you can, and remember that life has seasons. This is a horrible season, but it will pass.

      Lots of hugs from this internet stranger. If you want to post a burner happy to chat.

      1. I totally agree with all of this except advise caution on the hiring help for the hoarded house cleanup. My childhood home was hoarded and I hired a company to do 100% of the cleanup.

         The company I hired failed to save and send me some of the things I requested whose location I knew with certainty, and so there are sentimental items that I’ll never get. It really helps me knowing that it was my choice to hire them and I set the goals of the engagement (safety and speed were my top priorities).

   7. Grief takes so many different forms and can ebb and flow. Powering through is just as valid as needing time to stay in bed.

      Support your husband by helping in whatever way he needs, whether that’s taking a greater share of home stuff, helping him find grief counseling (I wish I’d started this earlier!), letting him talk (or not talk!), helping him with matters of the estate and arrangements that couldn’t be delayed. Know that grief takes time and he may seem better and then have it hit him later.

   8. Did your husband attend this gathering? I want to address the elephant in the room since I unfortunately know someone else who had a party that resulted in a covid outbreak, some family getting very ill, and one dying.

      Your husband probably has so many confusing emotions on top of the usual grief. You want to be careful to not blame his brother but at the same time, provide him a safe space if he wants/needs to be angry at him. If your husband was at the gathering, he may feel guilty for not putting his foot down about not gathering during COVID. You can remind him that people are going to do what they are going to do and him not attending may not have changed anything. Further, everyone that attended has their own responsibility. Kind of like if someone drives drunk but the passengers in the car willingly ride with a drunk driver, they know what risk they are taking.

      It’s careful treading to not be blaming anyone but also saying that all feelings are valid, and giving him the space to feel what he needs to feel.

      I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

      1. Likewise, for yourself, if you need to vent anger, do it here, do it to a therapist, don’t do it to your husband or brother in law. I’m sure BIL is already beating himself up.

      2. My husband and I did not attend the gathering. We declined saying we didn’t feel safe with the current climate. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law said we were being cowards and overreacting. They have refused to speak to us ever since. We have been getting updates on everything through either the hospital or my husband’s aunt. She is his only other family member besides them and his uncle and parents. She couldn’t go because she was working (call center with nighttime hours) and couldn’t leave home.

         1. Oh my. I am so sorry to hear this. I suspect the reason your BIL is not currently speaking with you is because he is ashamed, not because you were “cowards.” I wish you and your husband the best!

            1. They stopped speaking to us after we declined their invitation, three weeks before the gathering happened. And they haven’t changed their minds since then, they continue to want nothing to do with us.

            2. This is just heartbreaking on every level. I’m so sorry, Anon!

            3. Anon, my heart breaks for you. I’m so, so, so sorry.

   9. Call your EAP and talk to a therapist. When DH lost his dad I needed someone to support me so I could figure out how to support him. You can’t pour from an empty cup so set up a session with a therapist who specializes in grief counselling (your EAP should have a list) – they will have ideas to help both you and your DH.

   10. This was mine. Thank you so much to everyone for the suggestions and your kind words.

       I’m not sure how the estate stuff is going to go. My husband’s brother stopped speaking to us because we declined the invitation to the gathering. Him and my sister-in-law thought we overreacted and were being cowards, along with some other names I won’t repeat here.

       My husband’s aunt has been updating us on how things are going with them. My sister-in-law is much worse off than first thought and is being monitored due to her pregnancy. My husband is just a wreck over this and his aunt said my brother-in-law says he’ll get a lawyer to deal with his part of the estate and my husband can go through him. So I’m not certain I’ll be able to help there as much as I want to. All of the suggestions and tips were great. I appreciate them.

   11. It’s probably going to be hard to separate the grief from the anger, which is natural given the circumstances, but anger is also one of the stages of grieving no matter the cause. The best thing you can do for your husband is listen and agree with him, and don’t try to talk him out of his feelings.

       Not that you would, but that is a thing that happens to grieving people a lot – people are always telling us to look on the bright side, when what we really want is someone to agree with us that it sucks.

   12. I hope you don’t mind my asking but were either of your ILs vaccinated? It sure feels to me like everybody in their age bracket should be vaccinated by now. Just wondering how worried to be in terms of what this might mean for our expectations that the pandemic is ending…

       1. No one was vaccinated yet. I’m not American. In my province at the time the gathering happened only people 70+, people with some health conditions and first responder/healthcare jobs were eligible. The in-laws and uncle were in their 50s and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are in their late 20s, as well as the other friends they invited. No one met the age requirement or had a job or condition that would make them eligible. Even now the age eligibility is only for this in their 60s. I’m not expecting to receive my first dose of the vaccine until the fall or closer to the end of the year.

          1. I’m so so sorry.

             I’m originally from a country where vaccination rollout is a disaster, and the 3rd wave is huge, and I am so worried about my parents, my brother’s family and my in-laws.

             I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, and I’m sending you and your husband virtual hugs.

             1. Thank you so much.

          2. Are you serious? That is completely illogical and insane. I couldn’t imagine having to wait so long to get a vaccination, even though I’m also in my 20’s, no health conditions and no essential job.

             1. How is this response remotely helpful?

             2. You so realize that other countries are at different vaccination phases than the US, right? If not perhaps try a little googling before making an ugly American comment.

          3. Thanks for the reply, and holy geez I am so sorry as well. What a shock for your husband to lose 2 parents at such a young age, basically in the prime of their lives together.

   13. This will be hard for a long time.

       Losing one parent is devastating. Loosing two so closely is worse. Loosing them both due to a third party’s idiocy is horrible, and I think, currently, the one thing I would advise you to not focus on at all. Nothing, going forward, will be better from that.

       You husband has currently lost his childhood and his history. If they had a good relationship, he might have lost the people who may be the people (in his mind) that has loved him unconditionally always. If they had a bad relationship he may have forever lost the possibility and hope of making it better. No matter how the relationship, it’s dramatic and scary and overwhelming.

       There will be a lot of little things to fix, and a lot of big things to fix. Everything about the funeral, cemetary etc. but also practical things like making sure the newspapers stop coming, having somebody check mail, stop regular payments that should no longer be paid, cancel credit cards, empty the fridge of perishables. Lots and lots of little things. Do a little googling for check lists, and think about how you can contribute.

       I saw the comment about the sibling getting a lawyer involved. That’ super smart, not necessarily adverserial. There are so many things to do that will be routine for a lawyer, but not for you. Which questions to ask, what to think about. Don’t meet the siblings lawyer with “oh, no, CONFLICT” (I mean, they have the same shitty situation, but with a pregnancy), but instead yes, of course, thank you, we should think about that as well.

       Let your husband grieve. Give him openings to talk, but don’t force it, any memories or feelings should come from him. Be prepared that he will STILL be devastated one year from now. Three years from now. Be open and listen when he wants to talk about them, and be prepared to distract the mood when it’s better to think about something fun or distracting.

       1. Thank you. You response is very helpful.

          They are hiring a lawyer to ensure they don’t have to talk to or have contact with my husband, so nothing regarding the estate, stopping the newspaper, informing their workplaces etc can happen without their approval and to make sure they get a better deal out of this. These are their exact words. My brother-in-law told their aunt to tell my husband to prepare for a court fight. One parent is still alive, there hasn’t even been a burial of the other and no will has been read. He’s done a complete 180 since he cut off contact. He wants a court fight when nothing has happened yet. The lawyer is definitely meant to be adversarial. I told my husband I’ll also be looking for a lawyer since my brother-in-law is the executor of their wills, unless they changed them without telling us.

          1. I should also add that my in-laws don’t have a large estate. My mother-in-law was a substitute teacher (on call, no benefits) and my father-in-law is a house painter. When they talked to us and brother/sister-in-law about their will several years ago they had a used vehicle, a house that isn’t paid off and one savings fund. Both were still 12ish years from retirement. There is not huge estate to begin with.

             (I feel so morbid talking about this stuff even though I know it can’t be helped)

             1. I’m so sorry to read this. There are so many layers of grief and anger in this situation. And money, despite it being a small amount, can somehow bring out the worst in people.

                If I were in your shoes, I would engage your husband’s one or two closest friends to ensure they are aware of the tragic nature of the situation and step up to provide additional support to your husband if they are able to. I expect your husband is going to need to vent often and another shoulder to lean on will be helpful.

                If you have the means to step away from the fight over the estate, I would do that and let the lawyers deal with it. Nothing good will come from getting into those details and the potential fights that will ensue.

                And if you are able to, consider that your BIL is probably experiencing the worst guilt of his life, even if he doesn’t recognize it as such. On top of the deaths of two family members and another on the way, his pregnant wife is ill and he has alienated his sibling and family. If the siblings were not close before, this event may creat a division that will not be able to heal. If they were close, I would encourage your husband to just give his BIL space while he processes what is happening.

                Again I am so sorry to read the tragic series of events. Take care of yourself as well and engage your own circle of support to help you.

             2. Ugh, I am so sorry for your loss, and for all of the difficulty it’s causing. I wonder if your BIL has any idea what an attorney is going to cost for this- especially when you’re saying it’s a small estate. It’s smart to get representation especially if they are, but if you have to pay an attorney to cancel the paper and inform the workplace (or at least discuss each of those items for one of you to get the “okay” to do), no one is going to “get a better deal” out of this.

          2. Just a thought, but considering that the estate is small, perhaps have your husband just walk away. Don’t throw good money after it. Maybe one day his brother will come around and try to repair the relationship, but I wouldn’t count on it. Estate battles (especially for no financial upside) can just make it all worse. Cut your losses, put that money toward therapy for helping your husband grieve this gigantic loss. I’m so sorry.

3. I also used to keep a fully stocked bag of toiletries in my roller so that I only needed to pack clothing when I traveled.

   After a year of no travel, I finally pulled out my bag and threw away all my expired products. Someday I will go back to my old way, but not right now.

   But I wouldn’t get the Kate Spade bag. I’d get the Emme bag, always.

   1. Doesn’t look like those exist anymore, unfortunately.

      1. That is a huge bummer. They were excellent bags. I’m glad I still have both of mine!

   2. I do/did the same and have been procrastinating emptying out my toiletry bag… I think because it makes me sad =-(

      1. It’s so sad!!

   3. Mine is from Victoria Green, and I love it.

4. I will have a surgery soon and won’t be able to cook (and delivery options are lame where I live). What are your favorite recipes I could make ahead and freeze/reheat? Thanks!

   1. Lasagne, moussaka, and pizza (homemade). Quiches. Egg bakes and any sort of egg muffins, or hearty muffins (I’ve used tomato paste or bell pepper puree before instead of sugar).
      Also, all kinds of soups. We like lentil soup, pumpkin soup, chicken soup (freeze the latter without the noodles).
      Also, you could cook spaghetti sauce and freeze in small portions, if you’re able to boil a pot of pasta.

   2. Do you have a crock pot? I much prefer assembling something to put in a crock pot for later than cooking now and freezing to reheat later. Something like this, and serve with a microwavable bag of rice (either Ready Rice, which is shelf stable and found by the normal rice, or the frozen stuff from Trader Joe’s): https://sweetpeasandsaffron.com/peanut-chicken/

   3. Lasagna and other baked pasta dishes. And this isn’t what you asked, but if I were in your situation, I’d also probably freeze some bread and baked goods. I like toast with all kinds of toppings and some nice bread or corn muffins would go well with cartons/canned soup or chili. Amy’s veggie chili and the cartons of roasted red pepper soup from Trader Joes are pretty good. I’m also a big fan of frozen meals from Trader Joes, especially the Indian ones.

   4. I feel like the answer should be the easiest one: ice cream. If you can keep any fruit handy (perhaps canned or lunchable items), you could make smoothies if you felt like making any effort, but IMO this is where you get a pass. Also, yogurt.

      Source: lots of sinus surgeries (where your hard palate takes a beating), where I really needed things that were easy / soft / somewhat numbing. If you can chew: cereal / oatmeal.

      Finally: Hormel chili in cans (if feeling fancy, melt shredded cheese on it in the microwave; eat with chips).

      1. My ice cream soulmate :)
         Thanks everyone for ideas, will do some prepping over the weekend. I completely forgot I have InstaPot, so will check which meals I could just prep ahead and then just push the button. Chewing will not be an issue (this time) and I think I will do a mix of soups, lasagna, that peanut chicken and of course, ice cream (milk/cream counts as protein, right?).

         1. If you are going under general anesthesia and will be intubated, expect that your throat may be sore the first couple days so you may want soft foods. The only thing I ate for the first 24 hours after my endo surgery was Dole Whip.

            1. Ok where do you get Dole Whip outside of Disneyland/the Tiki Room, and is it as good?

            2. A lot of ice cream shops are carrying it now! I’m in NH and there are a couple that have it all of the time. I’m thrilled because I’m medically dairy free and Dole Whip is dairy free! I’ve never had it at Disney so I can’t say if it is as good, but I’m guessing it is the same thing or else they wouldn’t be able to use the name? It definitely has a thicker consistency than regular soft serve.

            3. Yes, there will be general anesthesia. I am adding more ice cream to shopping list. Now I wish I were a neighbor of the other poster from last week who got the massive banana delivery.

         2. Since you have an instapot, consider buying some Tiller and Hatch meals. I’ve seen them at Target.

   5. Pinch of Yum has the best make ahead freezer meal series. I love every single dish I made – I think I’m up to 14 out of 22. She started with 12 and has added to them. Some are for four people so I’ve prepared them and divided into two smaller meals and it worked well. And some/most are dead easy. https://pinchofyum.com/freezer-meals

      1. Oatmeal freezes well – some oatmeal bakes, savory oats, sweet oats

         Meatloaf

         Soups

      2. These look very nice, thanks!

   6. I for some reason never really enjoy reheated frozen things but I like the idea of breads with lots of spreads. I’d probably buy or bake some great loaves, slice them and freeze them, and then have peanut butter, cream cheese/Boursin cheese, butter, jam, hummus, baba ganoush, pesto, sun dried tomato paste, and lots of other yummy things to put on the toasted bread. Maybe buy some avocados before surgery and they’ll be ready to mash, if you can swing it, by the time you’re home. You can scramble an egg in the microwave and that is one of my favorite things to put on toast. I would totally go with this one.

   7. Meatloaf, specifically Ina Garten’s meatloaf–yum! Bake and then cut into individual portions and freeze.

5. Inspired by last week’s worse-date stories: Have you ever been in a situation where you or the person you were with majorly misunderstood or misjudged what was going on between you?

   A guy I knew through a volunteer gig asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with him after we finished our a volunteer event a few nights later. It was phrased exactly like he was asking me on a date, including things like “I’ve really loved getting to know you,” “I’d like to spend more time with you,” etc.

   As we left the event he got a call. Gets off and says “That was my girlfriend. She’s running a few minutes late, but she can’t wait to meet you- I think you guys will be good friends.”

   He wanted to introduce me as a possible friend to his girlfriend, who I knew nothing about. Turns out his girlfriend is awesome and she’s one of my closest friends now but I was SO upset that night.

   1. That is actually quite endearing. Great story.

   2. OMG I’m sorry for laughing but this is just such a sweet story!

      1. I adore his girlfriend. He’s still just as completely oblivious.

   3. Yeah I thought the guy who repeatedly took me out to nice dinners, called me to talk, met me for long walks was interested but taking physical things slow. Nope. Living with a girlfriend he never mentioned.

      1. By that point I think it’s deliberately deceptive.

         1. Right?! Like, the guy who I knew had broken up with his girlfriend and texted me late into the night, met me whenever I was in town for drinks/dinner, helped put up curtain rods in my new place…showed up to an event with his new girlfriend.

   4. My story is similar but in the opposite direction. It was decades ago, so consider that when lambasting my judgment. I was actively involved with the summer associate program at my BigLaw firm—from interviews through offers, assignments, mentoring, social activities. One summer associate wanted to get together after work. It was not unusual to grab a drink, talk about how the summer was going, career plans, etc. I had a meeting outside of the office and agreed to meet him at a place I did not know. The name and address mean nothing to me because it was The Fanciest Restaurant that was not part of my world. He thought it was a date. I kept the conversation very, very work focused and insisted on picking up the bill and lying that of course I would be reimbursed because this was part of the summer program. I told the director of the program first thing in the morning, as I did not want any questions raised about my behavior. The law clerk was the son of the CEO of a major firm client, but he did not get an offer. An error in judgment on my part, for sure and not repeated, but I felt completely blindsided at the time.

   5. Yes… senior year of college (early/mid-2000s) I was interested in a guy and he never straight up told me off. He played hot and cold, and mentioned another girl he was kinda interested in but she was studying abroad (red herring!) Resulted in a couple of drunken kisses at the end of senior year and at some point I faintly thought to myself “this doesn’t feel quite right?” And also “why am I never the first choice for all the guys I end up crushing on?” We parted ways, I met someone else the following year but college guy and I are friends and hang out together in our mutual friend group. Well… nearly a decade after the college guy and I ended our not-relationship, he comes out to me and some of our other mutual friends. At that moment I was like “oh. It all makes sense now. Good for you man.”

      To both of our embarrassment now, we both come from the same really conservative Asian culture so I know back in college he was afraid of coming out and everyone judging him. His mom still isn’t 100% accepting of who he is, but I’m happy for college guy and his current partner.

      1. Oh this is so much sweeter than I had expected it to be. What really upsets me is when people intentionally mislead others due to hiding sexual orientation. The worst is women who are tricked into being beards without you know actually knowing that’s what’s going on.

      2. I was the “girl studying abroad” for one of my college friends but I wasn’t studying abroad. I knew we were just friends and I suspected he was gay, but I found out later he’d been using me as his beard and I wasn’t too pleased. I would have been happy to do it if he had told me!!

6. Do you all own a document shredder? Or do you take your things somewhere (besides your office) to be shredded? I just got a new file cabinet and cleaned out a lot of personal documents that I need to shred. I work from home. I’m not sure whether to buy a shredder (which I’m not sure is a good investment when I shred very infrequently, plus it would take up space) or take my documents to a FedEx/Office Max type store (which appears to offer those services, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that).

   1. Do you have an office that you ‘could’ visit at some point? I am storing a bag of things for shredding which I will be taking into the office when I eventually go in.

      1. Same — I keep a burn box at home and just bring it in on my monthly office run. Many offices will let you in if you make arrangements.

   2. We have a small cheap shredder and we use it all the time. We always shred envelopes or other documents that contain our full address (sadly we still get a lot of mail despite trying to go paperless for everything). It can only handle 10 sheets at a time, but that means it’s very small and it doesn’t take up much space. In your case, I’d take the documents somewhere to shred them since you have a lot, but in the future, you can shred things as you go with a small cheap one.

      1. Why is your address something that needs to be shredded? I’m not judging, I just am not making the connection.

         1. My grandma was weirdly paranoid about this, to the point of cutting her address out of catalogs she gave to my mom to look at before throwing away. Some people really don’t want their physical addresses linked with their names in case someone rifles through your trash.

            1. Wouldn’t someone rifling through my trash do so at my home, and therefore already know my address? But I know a lot of people do this and I always wondered whether I am missing something.

            2. Yes, but maybe not your name.

            3. Couldn’t they just look in your mailbox after the mail comes? It seems pretty easy. It’s also public record, you can look it up online for free.

            4. I cut my name and address off magazines before donating them but definitely not before giving to family or throwing out.

         2. It’s your name and address combined with what else they can find, so they can spiderweb your life together. Your weekly trash could have your name and address, plus envelopes from the companies you have utilities with, plus alumni magazines that show where you went to school, plus quarterly reports that show where your investments are, etc., etc. Making ID theft as difficult as possible is the goal.

            1. +1. It’s like with COVID – you don’t JUST wear a mask, you mask AND distance AND avoid sick people AND avoid large gatherings. It’s the “layered Swiss cheese” approach to protecting yourself.

            2. If you own the place you live, your address is public anyway.

         3. Because the more information people have about you, the more likely it is that your identity can get stolen. You can do a lot with a person’s full name and home address. It costs us nothing to spend .37 seconds shredding addresses each time we get a piece of mail. The shredder was like $20 10 ten years ago.

         4. This makes no sense. In the old days, this info was in the phone book. Now, property tax records and voter registration are both online in my state and anyone who wants to match names to addresses can do it easily, without digging through my trash. The only things I care about are financial (which is almost entirely online) or medical (same). I do make a point to rip off the labels on my medication bottles before tossing them so they can’t be read and am careful about tossing old credit cards (cut into small pieces in trash, maybe multiple bags), but I have very little paperwork with sensitive information on it.

            1. It’s like people hiding their birthdates when they post pictures of their vaccination cards when they have Facebook tell their hundreds of friends their birthdays anyway. People get weirdly obsessed about the wrong privacy things.

            2. ooohhhh that’s a good idea re: medicine. I take a controlled substance and I don’t need someone knowing which house has it. I never thought about that!

            3. You should absolutely not share your birthday with the Internet, on Facebook or otherwise. That’s data privacy for beginners.

         5. I’m not the person you’re responding to but I’ve been the victim of major identity theft more than once – once your information is out there, it keeps getting recycled – to the point that someone took money out of my bank account impersonating me (and went to jail) and someone else filed a federal tax return using my SSN and got a refund (never caught as far as I know), along with the usual credit card fraud now and then. I’m registered with the federal government as an identity theft victim and have my credit reporting permanently froze.

            One of the pieces of advice every outfit gives is shredding your mail, including the name and address field of random junk mail and catalogs you receive. Yes, they could just look you up on the internet if they’re specifically targeting you. But if they’re looking for a target, finding an intact utility bill or whatever, even junk mail, with your full name and address is just an easy way to identify you as a target. Don’t make it easier for them. It’s not hard to shred stuff.

            People get so defensive on here when someone else takes precautions they don’t. Please know you can just say “hmm interesting” and not comment that someone is insane.

            1. +1 to all of this.

   3. How much do you need to shred? I do as much as possible electronically so I don’t have many papers with personal info on them, but the ones I do have just get ripped up and put in the trash. Once they’re mixed with my food waste, it would be really hard to read anything on them. Obviously it’s different if you’re dealing with client info or something like that, but I just don’t have much paperwork anyone would care about. If this is a one time thing, take them to one of those services, but I don’t think most “average” people need to shred things regularly.

      1. If it’s something that I am really concerned about (cutting up an old credit card for example or banking info), I divide the cut up bits over multiple trash cans in the house. So you’d have to go through my kitchen trash and my bathroom trash to fit together the puzzle pieces.

   4. I shred at home. Too many times I’ve heard of companies (that don’t do it in the customer’s presence) just throwing things away or doing it half-azzed. I shred basically everything that comes in the mail, but I’ve been in several major data breaches and need to be ultra-careful.

      I highly recommend wearing medical-style gloves when doing large shredding batches. Handling that much paper at once sucks the oils out of your fingers, and the dry flaking skin is a misery.

      1. At this point, I think everybody has been in several major data breaches.

   5. I don’t, I would burn it outside or in a fireplace depending on the season.

   6. I’ve always had a home shredder but in the Before Times if I had a lot of personal stuff to shred, like after cleaning / organizing, I’d haul it into work and put it in the industrial size bins to be shredded by our third party shredding company. They came by once a month and emptied the bins and shredded them in their truck right there in the parking lot.

      I wouldn’t have done it if it cost my company anything but the contract was the same price whether our bins were full or empty, and they were usually close to empty.

   7. Just a reminder that in most places, you shouldn’t be putting shredded paper in the recycling. If you do, most systems want you to put it in a separate bag so it doesn’t get in everything else (check with your city system to be sure), but even then it’s more likely to not be recycled because of the short fibers. I’m not sure what the shredding companies do- there the separation issues are simpler, but you still have the issue of short fibers being low quality. It’s much better to just get all your financial stuff electronically and eliminate the waste completely.

      1. Good point! On that note, if you are just shredding a page, or even just tearing out the piece with your address, then composting is a good option. It’s true that tiny pieces of paper are no good for recycling.

   8. I’m on my second shredder in the last ten years. I bought the same model again when the first one gave up after 8 years of use. It’s a cheapo one (30 dollars) that can only do a few sheets at a time, and it heats up and gets stuck for a few minutes if I do a marathon. But it’s so worth it to be able to shred private stuff easily once in a while. I have a little box to keep things, when it’s full it’s shredding time.

   9. Late reply but we have an Amazon Basics shredder and put anything with our name & address on it through. (So catalogs that say Current Resident we don’t bother, but otherwise we tear off the address page to shred.). It’s not a huge footprint and good value IME.

   10. Did your bank offer free shredding? Mine has a day every quarter designated for clients to bring in things to shred, and you can toss your stuff in the shredding truck yourself and watch it get destroyed.

7. Anyone who has flown recently DCA to/from MIA and can comment on the state of airport food? Normally I would count on grabbing breakfast at DCA before my flight, and lunch at MIA before my return flight. Is that still possible? Are you allowed to take off your mask briefly to eat? Both airport websites show food available, but I would love to hear from someone who has flown recently.

   1. I can’t comment on it, and I’m really not trying to be snarky or the COVID police, but if I were doing such a short flight, I would eat right before leaving and right when I got to my destination (hotel, home, etc). They say airports themselves are the riskiest part of air travel, and I would want to avoid taking my mask off if at all possible since it’s such a short trip.

      1. I have to leave my house around 6 AM, and won’t be off the plane at MIA until 11:30 or so. Trying to (as I did in pre-Covid times) not have to add in extra time before leaving home to eat a hearty breakfast that will hold me for 6 hours if I don’t have to. On return, need to leave relatives house at 10:30 AM, flight doesn’t land back in DC until 4:00 PM. If there were no food in the airport I would bring and I suppose sneak a snack.

         1. 11:30 am? Maybe I’m a weirdo but there are many days that I don’t eat anything before noon or 1.

            1. But obviously you can understand that other people might be different.

         2. In this case I’d buy something that will be quick to eat at the airport and save it for mid-flight. The risks while airborne are a lot lower given the filtration system. Choose a time when most people are masked (so, not when they bring around the water-and-snack baggies).

   2. Yes, airport dining is open and available. However, given it’s fairly close quarters even with distanced tables, it is still relatively risky “indoor dining.” Would not do unless vaccinated honestly.

8. Since pot is legal in nyc soon – can we talk about what is best if you’re trying to replace drinking with pot? Sativa? Indica?

   1. Therapy?

      1. This made me laugh.

      2. Ugh can we not be pearl clutching for just once?

         1. Eh, I’m not the therapy poster but I read this as just a well timed tongue in cheek post that just went perfectly with the way the question was phrased. I thought it was funny.
            And I am drinking wine as I type this, ie am in no position to judge drinking or pot-doing!

   2. I think reactions are a lot more individual than alcohol, but I would replace drinking with sativa. Indica puts me to sleep, which is what I use it for!

   3. I don’t think there is any one strand to best replace drinking with you just need to try them out and see what you like best. Personally I like baking edibles because smoking hurts my lungs. Otherwise though it’s been years since I’ve done anything more than a single beer with dinner and it’s so freeing to wake up without a hangover.

   4. Depends on what you get out of drinking. Sativa is the fun one that makes some people anxious (me) and other people silly. Indica is the sleepy, relaxed one. I don’t know why other commenters are judging you for this. Most of us drink either as a social lubricant or to relax so it’s kind of nice that you can choose which effect you want with weed. (That said; I don’t personally do weed, but I think it’s superior to alcohol in many ways)

   5. …don’t do it. If you have a problem with drinking, don’t substitute it for a problem with pot. The conversation is very different if you don’t have a problem with substance use at all, but if you have identified drinking as something you need to “try” to stop, then another substance is not what you need. I say this as someone who has smoked pot in the past plenty of times and who is in full support of legalization.

      1. I read it more as wanting to switch from one to the other, not that she has trouble with drinking.

         1. People who don’t have problems with drinking don’t need to make any special effort to quit or find special substitutes. I would have read it differently if OP had said she has quit drinking, but wants to try pot because she’s heard it’s fun.

      2. Nothing in the original post indicates she has a problem with anything.

      3. Based on the research out there (which isn’t super comprehensive but hopefully will get there in time with legal barriers removed), there are some compelling indications that alcohol is more toxic, so it may simply be a desire to go for the more benign option of the two.

   6. I go w/ a hybrid edible. Hybrid makes me relaxed but not too sleepy and I get a little fun giggly. If it is available where you are the Mindy’s Artisanal Glazed Clementine gummies are delicious. Less calories than drinking and no hangover!

   7. From one of your potential neighbors – please do edibles. However much and whatever strain you like, but nothing with smoke that will make your allergic, asthmatic, migraine-prone or other neighbors suffer miserably. Please.

   8. I would just experiment because they affect everyone differently. For my part, any type puts me right to sleep. It’s something I only take if I want to go to sleep early for some reason. Definitely not a drinking replacement for me.

   9. When shops open up in NYC, get a good recommendation and just visit! The people working there will be MORE than happy to help you pick something to try … they’ll ask you what your tolerance level is, what kind of experience/feeling you’re looking for and then can tell you about the different varieties, etc. They can also set you up with a pen/cartridge, etc. Don’t feel like you need to know what you want before you go! I don’t enjoy the taste of most edibles but I do really like Petra Mints – they’re super low dose and very delicious.

9. This is a follow up on the thread from last week where I asked for T-shirt recommendations.For the Canadian ‘rettes, I bought the nice ones I have from Marks Warehouse in Canada about 3 years ago. They are fitting (I bought the small size) but I imagine if you buy a bigger size they would be looser. I was surprised that I liked these shirts so much because Marks is a more of a work clothes shop, I only went there because I was in a tiny town with few options for clothes shopping. They have kept their shape, although most times I tend to air dry them instead of using a tumble dryer.

   1. That was me. Thanks!! I’m in search of a standard white T and I had forgotten to check Marks.

10. Paging the person who posted about data science in the morning thread:

    I am trying to make a similar transition, I have a science PhD and want to transition out of academia. I have researched this field quite a bit. I also considered an MS in Data Science but at the moment I see that as a last resort (for me personally). I was already coding in my previous job and some of the programs I have seen start from scratch in terms of the programming and coding so for me it would feel like a waste unless it was for a language I don’t know. I don’t know much about the legal field but I think you are better off sticking with your job and researching roles you could transition to that are data-adjacent, especially those that also require legal knowledge. Going back to school may not be worth it, continue with the online classes and you can also find projects to work on to build your skills, there are different kinds of data challenges online.

    1. I also didn’t have a chance to respond to this morning’s post but I would be wary of those MS in Data Science programs.

       Universities at some point saw that Data Scientist was a rising career that paid well and wanted to get in on the money. The same thing happened with Actuarial Science many years before, and is still happening. Going back to school for a masters in data science will not make you a data scientist any more than getting a degree in actuarial science makes you an actuary (it does not.) This is not traditional academia. These are for profit masters programs heavily marketed at working adults and just meant to be a cash cows for the universities.

       I am an actuary and have been in the position of hiring data science types in the past. We tended to hire people who had PhDs, or were dropping out of PhD programs, in fields like physics, mathematics, statistics, economics, or econometrics. Not people with expensive data science masters degrees.

       1. 100% agree with this; we hire PhDs in the hard scientists for data science roles. They already know math and programming, which is the hard part. The details of specific clustering methods or whatever they can learn on the job

    2. I’m a data science & analytics manager at a buzzy tech company. Data Science is SUCH an ambiguous term these days – it can encompass anything from (and often a combination of):
       – Business analytics (take a problem, use data to figure out what’s going on and how to solve it. Requires strong problem solving, ability to structure ambiguity, intuition around numbers and business,
       – Product analytics (similar to business analytics, but you need some more basic stats and experimentation)
       – Experimentation (this definitely requires more stats)
       – Business intelligence (dashboarding, data pipelining. You want really strong SQL, probably Tableau, don’t need any stats at all)
       – Modeling / machine learning (requires stats, coding, and of course ML. Maybe also a PhD)

       At this point, we prefer to hire people with data science experience. In my experience, people who’ve taken courses only know the theory and don’t know how to apply it. (The courses are new – of people senior in the field, most people never took these courses). As some people mentioned this morning, you’re better getting into a job that is data-science-adjacent and transitioning over.

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