Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Judith Belted Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Fit-and-flare dresses can be hard to find these days, so this crepe belted dress from Elie Tahari really stands out. The cut is super flattering and the cap sleeves provide enough coverage to wear in a formal office without a topper.
I would pair this with a cropped tweedy blazer for an outfit that’s suit-like without being a full suit.
The dress is $448 at Elie Tahari — but today you can get 30% off — and comes in sizes 0–16.
Psst: note that the neckline on the dress is the same one on one of our favorite sleeveless tops for work.
Sales of note for 3/21/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
- Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
- M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns
Going sleeveless at the office is still a know-your-office situation, but much more accepted than previously. As of 2025, some of our favorite sleeveless tops include ones from Anne Klein, Calvin Klein, Amazon seller Milumia, and Vince Camuto — Elie Tahari's silk one is also lovely.
Interested in potentially trying intermittent fasting. It seems popular here, so figured it’s a good place to ask about it:
1. What is your eating window? Do you just eat 2 meals or snacks/3 meals?
2. Are your meals larger than before/what size meals do you eat?
3. Do you feel hungry at all?
4. What benefits have you seen?
5. Is coffee in the am OK?
IF
1. Only women could devote their time to things other than artificially restricting their eating
2. Only we could agree that there’s more to life than this.
3. Only we could have Katie Sturino on call to help all of us through these feelings
4. I could stay, I would only be in you way
5. Only we asked ourselves, am I not worthy of love?
This is not helpful….
It is to all of us out here trying not to support disordered eating.
Making myself eat breakfast (and breakfast foods) because I believed I needed the “fuel,” feeling hungry again well before lunch, eating my lunch earlier than planned, buying something or snacking on foods that weren’t part of the plan later in the afternoon, and so on, all felt more like disordered eating to me. I want to feel free from forced eating (whether that’s making myself eat when I don’t want to or having to eat because I’m sugar crashing).
It’s not disordered. It seems way more disordered to me to deprive yourself of foods you love, but that’s socially acceptable.
And also just not accurate. I love my body and don’t really care what I weigh. I still like IF because it’s comes naturally to me and I feel better and more energetic when I’m doing it. Why add some people her so concerned with policing other people’s eating habits.
Great if it’s natural you don’t need to ask if it’s ok to drink coffee
If wishes were fishes, we all would cast a line.
Anonymous at 8:40, you sound ignorant. Multiple studies have shown several health benefits of IF. Let others eat the way they want. Wanting to be healthy is not a problem.
Wanting to do IF doesn’t mean you hate yourself! It’s ok to lose weight if you want to. One could also argue that IF saves time since you’re spending less time eating.
I am a fan of Katie Sturino, but she is an extremely well connected and wealthy white woman. Part of the reason she can be so open and free with her size is because she is already extremely empowered. I like her and I like her message! But not everybody has her same experience.
Most women I know who do IF do it for health benefits, not weight loss? The health benefits are well documented by MDs. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/intermittent-fasting-what-is-it-and-how-does-it-work
Not that there’s anything bad about doing it for weight loss if you need to lose weight. I don’t see why it’s any worse than tracking calories in vs calories out which is about the least toxic “diet” there is. If your doctor tells you to lose weight (and most Americans need to lose weight), then wanting to lose weight is sensible and doesn’t mean you hate your body.
Body positivity to me is a whole separate thing. Like hiding your body in a huge coverup at the beach because you’re overweight is lack of body positivity. Wanting to get to a healthier weight when your doctor says you should lose weight is not evidence of lack of body positivity. You can love and be proud of your body, and also want to take a doctor’s advice that you would be healthier at a lower weight, you know? Most health problems are caused or exacerbated by being overweight.
Yeah, I definitely do it because I feel better, have more energy, and tend to make better food choices. Nothing at all to do with weight.
+1000 to all of this. I have been relatively thin my whole life up until having two kids in quick succession in my late 30s. Now I cannot seem to kick about ten lbs of weight, which is not a huge number in the grand scheme of things, but given that I have a family history of diabetes and my A1c is now up noticeably, I’m going to go with my doc’s advice that losing that weight in a healthy, long-term balanced fashion is what is best for my health.
+1
the last time I researched IF (admittedly 1-2 years ago) I found strong evidence of anti-aging benefits (cellular repair etc.). It’s not just about weight loss.
Yes, my doctor recommended it to me for brain health because Alzheimer’s runs in my family.
I’ve struggled with overeating when I’m in a stressful period, and IF helps me have a hard start/stop to my day that keeps me from snacking the night away and from feeling sick from overeating. Not everything is right or wrong for everyone.
I do it and feel so much better!
1. Eat from 12 to 7pm
2. Same meals. I find myself gravitating to more protein for lunch like chicken, eggs etc. Do not restrict calories at all. I do try to eat fewer processed carbs like chips and cookies. I find protein gives me more energy. Plus I eat an apple as a snack around 4pm every day.
3. Not hungry. be sure to eat protein, fat and veggies /fruit that has fiber to them. Again I eat until I am full and no more. I listen to my body and do not cut calories at all.
4. I have more energy and have lost 5 lbs without trying.
5. Coffee is ok. drink a coffee in the the morning with warm frothed 2%milk. Does not make a difference to have coffee.
My husband loves IF as do I. It’s not about any of what you listed it’s about feeling good!
Awesome response!
6. People do IF for reasons other than losing weight. I do it (11-7) and try to eat high protein, low carb because it helps me sleep and gives me more energy. It has not helped me lose weight but I am 55 years old and have accepted that the 20 pounds I gained post menopause are not going anywhere without changes I am not willing to make given that my doctor is not concerned.
7. Body acceptance is a lovely and wonderful thing. But being medically overweight (not cosmetically “overweight”) can lead to real health conditions for some people and the insistence that we should accept our bodies as they are is not particularly helpful or healthy for people who are facing diabetes or other obesity related medical conditions. I have many morbidly obese people in my family and I am here to tell you that the health consequences in your 70s are real and serious and dramatically impact quality of life.
And before people jump all over me about being overweight and perfect healthy – I do not dispute that is absolutely possible or that the best judges of your health are you and your doctor. But there is no reason to be critical of people who want to lose weight (although I would again note that OP did not indicate she was one of those people).
Also – discrimination against overweight people is absolutely real, especially for women and especially for older or non-white women. That is not ideal but I do not pretend to live in a perfect world.
I’m doing IF and it’s working. But I do a modified version. I have coffee in the morning with heavy cream and Splenda. This is a no-no on IF ( you can have have black coffee) but I can’t start my day w/o coffee and I don’t do black coffee. My window is 16 hours (but I have coffee in the morning) and I really find I’m not hungry until lunchtime. I do one snack between lunch and dinner. You have to make sure your meals are calorie deficient though. You can’t just go crazy and expect to still lose weight.
Isn’t 16 hours all of a person’s waking hours?
I think she meant 16 hour fasting window.
They are probably not eating between 8 pm and noon.
1) When I’m sticking to IF, my ideal window is 11AM-6PM. For me snacks defeat the purpose of intermittent fasting (which for me is to allow insulin levels to fall between meals, to improve insulin sensitivity or at least prevent insulin resistance from getting worse and worse). So ideally I eat at the beginning and towards the end of my window without snacking.
2) I’m not trying to calorie restrict, so I guess my meals are at least more caloric since I’m not eating less. I eat more fat and much less carbohydrate. (I cannot tolerate intermittent fasting if I eat sugar or too much carbohydrate because it makes my blood sugar spike and tank, and then I need to eat again just to maintain blood sugar.) If I fail to eat enough calories, then I need a protein snack before bed (hard boiled egg, smoked salmon, whatever), so I can sleep. I don’t sweat this.
3) No, I think I’m less hungry this way.
4) The felt benefits for me are mostly that my day doesn’t revolve around food. Doctor says my A1C looks better.
5) Probably not officially, but I have coffee and heavy cream before my 11AM window. I think for some people, the caffeine in coffee can cause glycogen dumping and an insulin response which starts the whole glucose/insulin rollercoaster and is counterproductive, but I think this is really individual.
1) 11-7 or 12-8
2) I normally eat 3 meals, just compressed into a shorter window. I think I’ve cut down on snacking.
3) it’s easy. I’m never hungry when I first wake up so it comes naturally to me.
4) I haven’t lost much weight but it helps me control my weight and not gain.
5) I’m not a coffee drinker but black coffee is fine. The hardest part of IF for me has been not having tea when I wake up (I drink black tea, which is allowed, but I can’t drink it on an empty stomach …makes me nauseated).
1. I’m generally a freelancer, so I don’t have a set window. Basically I go as long without eating during the day as I can, but no earlier than noon.
2. Not really, eat until I’m full.
3. Hell yes. Lol.
4. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since May.
5. Black coffee yes.
Modified IF as I have read long fasting periods can cause cortisol levels to rise in peri menopause.
1. 8:30-6ish. Closing the kitchen immediately after dinner has been most helpful.
2. No change in size but more conscious of having protein at every meal.
3. No, I also track my food and this helps me make sure I am getting a balanced ratio of macros (for me). Protein and healthy fats help curb my hunger.
4. I agree with the poster about the day not revolving around food. I like food, I need food, but doesn’t rule my day. I do believe what I eat matters more (and lifting weights) and has helped me avoid menopausal weight gain
5.Black coffee always!
If you are considering and motivated visually, try downloading a fasting app. Also start with 12 hours and see how you do for awhile.
I also do modified IF/Time Restricted Eating, with a very short window (10 hours) of not eating. The only reason I do this is because I am convinced that there are medical benefits. I don’t do it for weight loss although it has helped to stabilize my weight (with bloating as well). I stop eating at around 7:30 at night and don’t eat again until 6:15-ish in the morning. This is so incredibly easy to do. Basically no snacks after dinner.
1. I usually eat from 11-8 (this is out the window now that I’m pregnant and wake needing breakfast, lol). Typically this would be lunch around 11 or 11:30 and dinner at 7-8.
2. I eat a normal size lunch and dinner is my larger meal of the day. That is also the meal I share with my spouse, so I enjoy being able to eat a good size portion. Dinner is also the time when I’m most like to eat carbs—I try to keep lunch more veggie and protein heavy (mixed success here, plenty of time I do eat a sandwich honestly).
3. I don’t feel hungry.
5. I have one coffee with whole milk and a dash of sugar at around 7-8 am.
4. Honestly, the most important takeaway I have from IF is just the philosophy to…not eat when I’m not hungry? I definitely received a lot of messages that I should eat particular things at particular times, and IF helped me let go of that. On the flip side, while I usually do not snack, if I am genuinely hungry (see above re: breakfast lately), I eat something!
I do feel that IF pairs really well with intuitive eating for me. I eat what I actually want, when I actually want to.
I do sometimes actively resist snacking (or adult beverages, or take out) in the evening in front of the TV, but those were always more of a habit anyway.
Since I moved to WFH, I’ve ended up on an unintentional IF and agree with everyone else that it’s great for thinking about food much less than I used to and only eating when I’m really hungry. It’s not some weird starving myself thing.
I eat from 5:30 am to sometime in early afternoon- I’m not super strict about this because I’m not deliberately doing IF, but I have my second meal around 9 am and third meal between noon and two and usually don’t eat again. I used to spend my days at work starving and sneaking parts of my lunch and snacks all day long. Now I just eat three meals, no snacks, and am completely satisfied and stop thinking about food after 2 pm. It’s so much better to eat at the time of day I’m actually hungry!
Curious what your sleeping hours are?
I get up at 5:30 and eat when I first get up. I go to bed between 9:30 and 10 most nights.
1. Echoing what a lot of people are saying, but I don’t so much have a hard and fast eating window but typically have my first meal at 9-10 and try to be finished with dinner no later than 7:30-8. I was never a breakfast person growing up and would often force myself to eat only to feel like garbage all morning. With IF, I at least have a socially acceptable excuse for why I’m not eating anything.
2. No real change in meal size. If I’m having a hungry day, I’ll eat something like overnight oats/chia for “breakfast” and have a normal lunch and dinner. If not, it’s something more like a small snack (nuts, veggies, a piece of cheese, etc.)
3. No: it really does align itself well with intuitive eating. I don’t eat when I’m not hungry and try not to eat within 3 hours of going to sleep because it is usually more boredom eating than hunger-related.
4. Less of a gross, bloaty feeling in the morning. I don’t have the crash prior to lunch. I’m not doing this for weight reasons.
5. Black coffee (pour over or americano) with cocoa butter every morning.
1. What is your eating window?
2 pm to 11 pm – some days that will end up more like 4 pm to 10 pm.
Not a morning person. I don’t want food when I’m barely awake, that just makes me nauseous.
2. Are your meals larger than before/what size meals do you eat?
Two big meals – mostly hot food – lots of fats, proteins and veggies. Carbs too, but not normally pasta or breads, but rice, potatoes, oats, barley, buckwheat and similar. Snacks like Greek yogurt with olive oil or chia seeds and berries, cheese, eggs, nuts, fruit, hummus and veggies or olives.
3. Do you feel hungry at all?
No. If I wake up hungry, that always means I ate junk and more junk the evening before. If I eat normally I have stable blood sugar and no cravings, if I eat junk (overly processed food or simple carbs) I get hangry.
4. What benefits have you seen?
No hangry times. Reduced bloating (can’t escape the cycle, though), excellent digestion, no junk cravings.
If I pay attention to the latest meal and keep that very low carb, there’s some mild ketosis going on in the morning. I get keto flu on more than mild ketosis, so don’t really exploit that element beyond being happy the regeneration process is working.
5. Is coffee in the am OK?
Yes. I only drink black unsweetened coffee, that’s the only coffee I like.
I’ve lost 4 kg in the last 6 weeks through IF. No loss of energy at all.
I eat fruit around 10:30am, heavy lunch around 1pm, and either fruit or some protein around 3pm.
Daily walk of maybe 3miles.
I forgot…I drink a small but v strong cappuccino around 7am.
Has anyone worked on fear of flying with a workbook or app? Ideally one I can get in the U.K. For context, I will get on a plane if I need to but it does make holidays and work stressful. The lead up is actually more of a worry than the airport and flight in some ways as by then I’m committed and just white knuckle through.
I just wanted to say that I can empathize. I don’t really have problems with planes but I feel exactly as you described about elevators, of all things! I worked hard to beat the fear once through just riding elevators over and over again…then I got stuck in one for a second time and it reset the fear. I am currently in the process of reacclimating myself all over again, but I dread every single ride. My best advice is to keep getting on planes so that you can keep teaching your mind/body that everything really will be ok. I also imagine a glass of wine, a good book, or earbuds and a fascinating podcast will help. Also, maybe buy an indulgent snack in the airport that you can save to eat on the flight so you have something to look forward to.
(Note that I live just outside a fairly big and attractive city but not somewhere like NYC where elevators are unavoidable in daily life.)
OP here – thank you for the thoughtful reply and I hope things improve for you again!
I believe EasyJet and BA both run courses, some of which involve going up on a flight.
Thanks, I’ve looked into those but I think because i can/do get on flights they’d be less useful than for reintroducing people who won’t fly. It’s probably more coping with the anxious/stressful thoughts leading up to it I need to work on. I remind myself a lot that it’s safer than driving!
fwiw, my mom worked on this and determined the root cause was control issues rather than flying per se. Like objectively it’s safer than driving – by a LOT – but not being in control of the vehicle was a big stressor for her.
OP here and I think that’s very much part of my problem. Weirdly I get anxious in things like a long queue or middle theatre seats as I feel a bit stuck but I’d be happy to climb inside a small box so I think it’s a mix of control and the confinement.
I also have issues with feeling trapped in long queues, middle seats, and airplanes (in particular during taxi, takeoff, and landing, because you can’t get up then). The technical term is agoraphobia. The small box thing would be clausterphobia, which is related but different.
Mine stems from having food poisoning on an airplane and desperately needing to use the bathroom during taxi and takeoff. So everytime I get on a plane, I have serious panic issues related to that. Is there something you can identify as the root cause of your anxiety? Why are you worried about being trapped? What is the specific scenario(s) you fear? Can you play out the worst cases in your head, and come up with a plan to deal with them if they happened, even though you rationally know they almost certainly won’t? That’s what I try to do. Not going to lie though–I do still struggle. But I get out there and fly anyways. I just know it’s not going to be an enjoyable experience.
My doctor prescribed me a beta blocker to take an hour before boarding so that it reduces the physical symptoms of panic (sweating, racing heart, etc.), even though it doesn’t have any impact on the anxious thoughts. I tried Ativan once and it was a horrible experience, so I just take the beta blocker and it cuts the edge of the physical issues. You might consider if something like that could help you?
I 100% know it’s safer than the car, but if smoke pours out the car engine I can stop which you can’t do in a plane so it’s very much the fear of crashing. I do find the statistics help remind me it’s safe.
The book Cockpit Confidential may be helpful. It explains the answers to a lot of questions nervous flyers have like why does the plane seem to slow down a few minutes after takeoff? and what happens if you fly in bad weather? I haven’t read it cover to cover but skim and read the answers to questions I’ve always wondered about.
Oh also the other poster’s response also reminded me– I like to have an instrumental playlist downloaded on Spotify and put my headphones on, read a book and eat some gummy bears. I feel like I’m in a little indulgent cocoon. I’ve found CBD helpful for calming some of the catastrophizing (it didn’t help with regular anxiety very much but did help with flying for me!)
I used to be terrified of flying — my fear was so crippling I gave up plenty of work trips and personal trips because of my fear. I did the American Airlines class that was good but didn’t help as much as I wanted. In sheer desperation, I did the course on fearofflying dot com. I did it years ago when they still mailed out CDs (I know, I’m old!). I was convinced I was too far gone and nothing would help me, but I did the program and I love flying now. It took work but was more effective than anything else I’d ever seen. Happy to discuss offline if you’d like.
I’m looking for shopping suggestions. I need a dress to wear to my son’s graduation from professional school in December. The graduation is in Miami. I live in the northeast, and struggle to figure out what to wear in a different climate than my own. I am 65, tall, and carry my weight around my stomach. Usually a size 12. I prefer a below knee length with sleeves of some kind. Would prefer to stay under $300. Thanks in advance for all suggestions.
I don’t have a specific link or rec but based on what you’ve written I’d look at Boden for this.
Maybe the Talbots Refined Ponte Knit Mockneck Dress? Or the Easy Travel Dress (sleeveless, but perfect for layering a cardigan over)?
Sue Sartor. Check the sale area.
No, that is totally inappropriate.
Why? That’s what I’ve worn to plenty of graduations, have you even looked at the line?
FWIW, I think Sue Sartor is perfectly appropriate.
I usually steer clear of flowy dresses but recently bought the Tommy Hilfiger “Margo” dress (at Macys) and was seriously surprised by how flattering it was on my size 12 body. The sheer-ish material and bright pink flowers would work really well for Miami.
I looked that up and it’s really pretty!
No advice but congratulations to your son!!
Dresses are tough right now! Talbots has some beautiful maxi dresses that are sleeveless, but would look pretty with a cardigan or jacket over them. They also have some below-knee belted shirtdresses or fit and flare dresses that might look really nice in fun Miami colors.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/stripe-long-sleeve-dress/6584662?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F12%2C%20L&color=958
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/twin-print-long-sleeve-midi-shirtdress/7148571?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F12%2C%20L&color=441
Good luck and congratulations to your son!
Thank you to all who responded for the suggestions and congratulations. (We’ve traveled a long, hard road with our son, so this is something of a big deal!)
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/tie-front-long-sleeve-v-neck-satin-shirtdress/7148566?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=513
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/serenity-glen-plaid-a-line-midi-dress/7178130?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=001
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/long-sleeve-column-midi-dress-multi-geo-swirl/sty-d0344-nav?cat=C1_S2_G4
I need career advice please. I’m 48 years old, an attorney and I work at a Director-level in a non-legal compliance job for a Fortune 100 company. I manage 2 people. I’ve been at my current job for almost 10 years, was a govt attorney before this job. I really like my job a lot…I get to travel and like what I do. The problem is that I’ve been asking for a promotion for 3+ years and each time I ask, I’m told to wait until “we grow your department.” Well now we’re merging my department with another and I’m not going to be a lead anymore (which I understand and am okay with). The problem is that now it’ll be even harder for me to get a promotion. Typically employees stay “in grade” about 3 years and I’ve been “in grade” for 5+ years. I’ve also received the highest ratings for the last 2 years so I’ve more than earned a promotion. I received an offer from a much smaller company to go back to a legal position. It’s a little more money, but the 401k match is less and I’ll be walking away from unvested equity and next years bonus if I leave my current company. I want to approach my boss and tell her that I have another offer but tell her that I’ll stay if they promote me. Not to toot my own horn, but I do a lot that no one else really knows how to do and in this new merged group, I’ll still be doing that work (think policy work, very specialized compliance work). I know that this will sound like an ultimatum, but I really want to stay. How do I approach my boss with this without pissing her off? I really want to stay but I know once I tell her about the other offer, I need to be prepared to walk.
It almost sounds like there’s nowhere to promote you. Before talking to your boss, think about what you ultimately want from a promotion. Is it a new title that reflects your duties? More pay? More management responsibilities (doesn’t sound like it)? Recognition? What would ultimately make you happiest? In your situation, I would play up the highly specialized knowledge and ask for better pay. Unfortunately, you may have to be willing to walk. Is it worth the tradeoff of having fewer benefits in the new position? Only you know the answer to that.
I don’t think this is a good strategy. It pisses people off and even if it works in the very short-term it will harm your long-term future so you’ll likely be stagnating again soon. It also sounds like you will be unhappy if the likely result happens (they say no and you leave). If this situation is untenable then just give notice and take the other job; if the absence of a promotion is frustrating but better than the alternative then say and keep making your case or just accept this is how things are and this is still a better job than the other available options.
+1 to not a good strategy. You won’t get what you want and you’ll burn bridges.
I agree that there is no promotion for you. People often think a promotion means same job but more money and better title. But really it’s about role. It doesn’t sound like there’s a need for a role above what you’re doing. At a large organization like that, I think you’ll have more luck actually moving into a new role. Switch teams, move into a new business line, etc. For many people at my similar company, you only get real growth if you are willing to take on something new. The other offer does not seem worth it to me.
Your third sentence is key. Thank you for saying it better than I did!
+1 to all of this.
48 yo females do sometimes get invisible…. if you’re highest ranked, why didn’t you get the lead? likely have a think about your approach to networking and politics. I wish doing great work would get us there…. it doesn’t on its own.
these aren’t the only 2 jobs, either. where would you live to work and doing what? who works there now and is your fan?
This exactly. I also don’t get the obsession with a promotion if you like your job. Has someone convinced you there’s something wrong with topping out? If you enjoy your work and coworkers, don’t chase paper dreams.
you should ask the new job to make you whole for the amounts you are forfeiting by quitting. this is very common, and companies are often willing to work with people on this. it probably won’t be the exact same amounts on the exact same timeline, but even structured as a retention incentive it would be better than totally losing out on those amounts
As a fellow 48 year old, I’d also caution what long term will be like when looking to jump. Security should also factor into things. Ageism is real. If you don’t like where you land, it can be a lot harder getting out. Then factor in a looming recession. Leaving somewhere that’s good but relatively flat in structure is a lot different than leaving somewhere that’s bad.
I was waiting to see this reply. I don’t know that now is the right time, OP, to get so hung up on the idea of getting promoted that you leave a good, stable situation for the Great Unknown. I agree with thinking about what it looks like to move within your company vs. leaving the company. In my company, it’s very common for people to take a “jungle gym” approach to moving up, vs. seeing their progression as a ladder where there are defined steps to get to the next level. You may need to move laterally, and then up, and that takes networking and internal sponsorship that you may already have in place from being a solid performer for a number of years.
I am trying to buy a guitar for my husband and floundering: what is the difference between the following two guitars?
Guitar 1:
https://www.guitarcenter.com/Jackson/Rhoads-JS32T-FSR-Electric-Guitar-Natural-Oil-1500000263564.gc?storeCode=&source=4WWRWXGL&gclid=Cj0KCQjwhY-aBhCUARIsALNIC07eocYuF2bgM1R5G4N_2QSje-pIEnNrvnXcNVUNLjsTYdNYL5et9lIaAmDZEALw_wcB
Guitar 2:
https://www.sweetwater.com/c590–Solid_Body?highlight=JSRMJS32N&mrkgadid=3280589303&mrkgcl=28&mrkgen=gpla&mrkgbflag=0&mrkgcat=guitars&acctid=21700000001645388&dskeywordid=92700067097731909&lid=92700067097731909&ds_s_kwgid=58700007462844858&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007215323&dsproductgroupid=424933815765&product_id=JSRMJS32N&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&device=c&network=g&matchtype=&adpos=largenumber&locationid=9021614&creative=555205126210&targetid=pla-424933815765&campaignid=15034343265&awsearchcpc=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwhY-aBhCUARIsALNIC04_nFvPNSF7pVwnB8EDoFoENsQJnNUeBVbL793aOvkwUmN57atqGZ4aAoQeEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Alternatively, is there a more general gift I get someone who wants to re-learn the guitar? He mentioned some program that lights up the frets, but I know absolutely nothing and I don’t want to get some ersatz junk.
My husband is a guitar player and he’s quite good at it. I would NEVER buy him a guitar unless he saw it and was okay with it. Can you return it if he doesn’t like it? All I’m saying is that guitars are very personal so you may want to show him several and make sure he’s okay with them before you buy one? What about guitar lessons?
Seconded. I’d consider making an IOU card (maybe with an inflatable guitar for a fun moment) to say you’re giving him a new guitar and then allow him to choose. Plus, for things like this, the process of choosing is part of the experience.
I agree. My husband is a musician and has been in various bar bands for his whole life. Don’t buy someone else a guitar. It’s so personal.
Oh no don’t buy a guitar! Maybe a gift card for lessons? Or an IOU for the shop so he can pick something out?
They appear to be the same thing, just one produced specifically for GC and the other for SW. Roland does this sort of slight name tweak with their digital pianos for Costco.
If he already has a guitar that’s in decent shape, I’d gift him some lessons, rather than another instrument.
The more expensive one has a few features that make it a better guitar. It has a whammy bar, which is used to bend notes by changing the tension on the strings, and it has a mother of pearl nut vs a plastic nut on the other one. The nut holds the strings at the end of the neck, and harder materials like bone are better than softer materials like plastic for both tone and longevity. With either one, he’ll also need an amp – does he have one?
Note: I do not play guitar, but I’ve been married to a guitar player for 17 years and seem to have absorbed some information.
I want to have better posture and am considering buying a kneeling chair. Are these actually nice to use or is it a gimmick I will use for a couple weeks and then let languish in the basement?
I had better luck with strengthening back & core muscles [weights, pilates/yoga/ballet-inspired classes] and setting my clock to beep every hour, at which time I would mentally check my posture. This has worked far better for me than trying hundreds of chairs & tools. I do have a nasty habit of digging my finger into friends’ upper backs when I see them hunching.
Oh my gosh do NOT dig your fingers into your friends’ backs to make them stop hunching! That would be a one way ticket out of my life if you did that to me.
Please don’t do that to your friends. That is creepy AF.
you said it yourself – nasty habit. Not cute or helpful, irritating and like the kind of thing I’d expect from a tween boy.
or a creepy uncle! Don’t be that person.
You don’t just touch people like that, whether they’re your friend or not. Especially in a surprise manner. That’s not a nasty habit. That’s actually an aggressive violation of someone else’s personal space and isn’t funny or charming in the least.
WTF! Stop doing that!
I’m surprised you have any friends left. Cut it out, please.
I would absolutely flip out on you if you did this to me.
Omg I know, I think my instinct would be to punch somebody in the face if they did that to me.
As a GenX who grew up with a sibling, my lizard-brain response to that would be slapping my “friend” in the back of the head, fairly hard, then leaping out of arm’s reach. Just saying.
I have had a couple of kneeling chairs, stationary and rocking. They don’t do anything for my posture, but I did like them. Much prefer my current chair, which has slanting seat which works both sitting forwards and leaning back.
For posture: correct keyboard and screen angle/distance and ergonomics.
Would you mind linking to any of the chairs you’ve owned?
My desk chair at my new office is very nice but is not working for my body.
I’ve had the original Variable chair. This one is a rocking chair. I really liked the rocking feature, but I would try it out before buying if you have shorter legs. I don’t think it comes in more than one size, so it’s important to check that you’d have a good sitting position while kneeling.
https://www.varierfurniture.com/en_no/collection/variable
I’ve also had this one, the Multi Variable chair. It’s easier to manipulate for height, but I liked the rocking one more.
https://www.varierfurniture.com/en_no/collection/multi
I’d look out for an office chair with a back but a slanted/angled seat instead, but the kneeling ones are are fun, too.
I really like mine and it fits my tiny office SO much better than the office chair I had in there. The only time I’ve used a regular chair since I got it was in the week or so after my hysterectomy when my core was absolutely thrashed.
Thanks! Which one do you have? It seems like there’s a few different styles.
I have this one: https://www.upliftdesk.com/ergonomic-kneeling-chair-by-uplift-desk/
Love this pick! Great for balancing out large bust, narrow hips. Wish it was available in petite sizes for my 5’1” frame…
Please tell me, where do you buy clothes? Any suggestions for brands? I have the same body type
Is this a sign of depression …
The past month (maybe longer) has been rough on me mentally. Lots of work stress, with anxiety resulting from that, plus I feel like the seasonal change is walloping me. I have been around lots of acquaintances lately and can put on a good face at work, church, etc., but I finally got to spend time Friday night with actual friends and I was not myself at all. I felt the energy drain from me the moment I walked into the room. Little things were annoying me and I found that I didn’t have much to talk about, nor did I do a great job asking my friends how they were doing. It’s like once I was around people I’m close to, I couldn’t fake being “well” anymore. I ended up leaving early because I felt like such a drag and just wanted to be at home.
FWIW, I’m already medicated (zoloft). I get so TIRED of having to do all the things to keep myself on an even keel. It’s been worse since I had a major surgery 2.5 months ago. My recovery has been fine, fwiw.
Zoloft actually made me feel this way (and friends noticed and commented on it at the time). I wasn’t taking it for depression, so I think for me personally it was just side effects.
The people you’re close to don’t want you to fake it around them. They want to know if you’re struggling because they care about you and will help you find a way to help yourself. If it’s too hard to admit it face to face, I would encourage you to text someone you’re close to and say “hey, i’m having a really hard time lately.”
+1. You don’t need to perform being a friend. It’s ok to be yourself, including if yourself is exhausted and in need of some quiet time.
I had this with my mom and boyfriend this weekend. I didn’t feel anything, but was acting like a brat and couldn’t fake being happy. Just annoyed about everything and hard to be around. I threw my back out and was also very sleep deprived, which I think was the root.
If you’rerecovering from surgery, go easy on yourself. No one is perfect and everyone has days like this.
I feel like 2.5 months out from major surgery is not much time at all, so give yourself a break, anon!
Hi – A few things:
– anesthesia can trigger depression
– irritability and anger can be signs of depression
– you do not need to be performative for your friends–it’s OK to be not OK. Ask them for what you need! More support? Words of encouragement? Distraction fun events like shopping or going for a walk or ???
Please reach out to your doctor about getting a happy light for Winter and also to chat about whether your meds are working! Hugs.
Where are you in your cycle? For me, that experience would be expected just before my period started.
Can someone help me understand the difference between gel polish and dip? I’ve asked IRL friends and their answers are pretty vague. I used to be a gel manicure person but I’m also a picker and this of course wrecks your nails. (DIY’ing my nails, even with gel, is not an option due to time, skill, and lack of desire on my part to learn/improve.) I’m interested in which type of manicure is “better” — lasts longer on short/natural nails and doesn’t hurt your nails as much (assuming I can keep myself from picking). Thanks in advance!
The dip does last a little longer, but on me it is way way worse for the nails. Dip is more like a powder that hardens so it is thicker and is more akin to the original acrylic nail style. Gel is just a polish that hardens when it cures. My nails bounce back way faster from gel than dip.
Best for your nails is like Dior Nail Glow or similar.
Gel polish is a polish that’s painted on and set with a UV light. It feels a little thinner than dip. Dip is a powdered paint-like pigment that is placed on adhesive that is painted on the nail, and then set with a topcoat. It feels a little thicker. I personally do dip nails because I try to stay away from the UV light but I prefer the feel of gel polish. In my experience, dip lasts a bit longer than gel, but I would probably put them about equal in terms of durability.
My salon said dip is awful for your nails because of the removal process. They only do it because it’s popular with some people. They make non-UV curing lights for gel. I’d stick with that.
The UV lights aren’t the (only) bad part about gel. It’s still bad for your nails.
Eh, I’ve been doing it for years with no harm. My place soaks off the polish with acetone in foil wraps and there’s no scraping at all.
They’re both going to wreck your nails because you can’t get them off without scraping the nail.
Dip once destroyed my nails. I had to fully grow them out. Sorry!
I do echo the Dior Nail Glow, which has often become my go to.
You should get Dazzle Dry! It’s an organic “regular” polish – but also magic because it dries super quick, lasts me about 2 weeks, and comes off with regular polish remover. My local nail salon started offering when they reopened after the worst of COVID and I’m obsessed – never get gel anymore and I think my nails are in great shape.
Also a nail-picker-biter etc- the only thing that stops me is having well manicured hands+ polish.
I’m a huge advocate for the essie gel coture system (which confusingly is a laquer+ hardening topcoat, no UV light at all)- it’s the weird twisted vials & my standard salon has it.
It lasts a solid 2 weeks, comes off with acetone (so when my nails start to chip, I can just remove at home) and does no discernible damage to my nails.
You may not see this, but thank you!
for those looking for mental health counseling – I have not tried this but they promise no wait lists. it came up on skimm this morning, but do your own due diligence.
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better help link in mo. duration
TW – hospice
Two years ago this month, my mom passed after less than a week at home with hospice. One year ago, my neighbor lost his wife to cancer which I knew was coming because I recognized the hospice nurse parking outside our houses. I just came in from walking the dog and watched another woman who just set off all my hospice senses get out of her car and go into the neighbor’s house on the other side of me. I hope with everything I’m wrong, but I know she was sick last year and there have been a million visitors in the last week. I want to throw up, and cry, and throw up again. I don’t know why I’m posting, I didn’t even know this neighbor really. Does this reaction ever go away?
it’s grief and no it doesn’t. you’re thinking of the kids if you’re mom and it’s normal.
take care of yourself in whatever ways you need to, it’s a lifelong gift and ailment.
me again.
we also recognize birthdays and death days of those we love. you are remembering it anyway, make a recognition of it in whatever way works. a quiet hour, their favorite meal or activity, a note to family, all of above.
you may want to read the book the body keeps score. it might help.
wishing you find peace in the memories of your mom, recognition of all that you did as her daughter and how she lives on in you.
It lessons with time, but it never really goes away. Caring for a loved one a home on hospice is a privilege and a gift and it is also a major trauma.
Bake some pumpkin cookies. Claim you didn’t realize the recipe made 6 dozen and drop them off at your neighbors house. If you want you can mention, you’ve seen a bunch of visitors and thought they could make use of them.
I don’t think this is necessarily great advice. I really would prefer to deal with illness or grieve alone with family without a random neighbour I didn’t know stopping in with food.
Honestly, when I went through this with both my parents, I barely registered this sort of thing. I might have eaten a pumpkin cookie, though, because I certainly wasn’t managing to eat meals.
Boss’ Day is very much a thing at my state government agency. Our secretary organizes a card and gift contribution for our Boss, and sometimes even an office party, etc. For years I have told everyone why I don’t participate, but it hasn’t caught on. My non-participation hasn’t negatively affected me because I am still a high performer and well respected by my boss. I think everyone is scared to not contribute, and my boss wouldn’t want to offend by refusing the gifts. I don’t know who to talk to about this – our HR office mostly handles employee benefits. Should I let it go since it doesn’t affect me? It’s just gross and hard to watch.
Yes you should let it go.
The secretary should stop organizing all of this. I always thought you generally don’t gift upwards.
do you have the kind of relationship where you could suss out Boss’s actual desire vs. Admin’s possible brown-nosing?
I see way more downside than upside to taking any action on this. If it doesn’t impact you, I’d be grateful for that much and let it go.
As a boss, I would be so embarrassed by this. Please don’t do anything for Boss’s day. Just another excuse for Hallmark to sell cards.
OMG if I were the boss I would be so mortified by this, but obviously your boss feels differently.
Somebody needs to talk to the secretary to tell her to knock it off, but I guess that’s a job for the boss and they aren’t inclined to do so, so I guess all you can do is stand back and watch the train wreck.
I need help figuring out hair products. I have long, thick (lots of individually thick strands) hair that has a slight wave. I want to bring out the natural wave and also add to it with a curling iron for strands around the face. What product (or products, but hopefully just one) will protect from heat and hold the curl? drugstore brands preferred. thanks!
I love the It’s a 10 miracle leave-in spray, its conditioning and has heat protectant. I also use the Kenra blow-out cream which also has heat protectant. You can get both at Ulta (It’s a 10 is also at Target).
moths ate a small hole in a favorite sweater. any recommendations for a very good reweaver?
willing to ship/pay for quality work.
I’m in NYC area.
I would send a photo to AlterKnit.
+1 They have saved several sweaters and scarves for me. Last time I used the service was in 2020 and it took forever to get my scarves back, but understandable since it was peak covid. In normal times, their turnaround was pretty reasonable (four or five weeks, I think).
Do you know a skilled knitter? I am one but am on the other side of the country. This is a fix that literally only takes a few minutes to execute and is invisible if done well. I love doing it and don’t charge anything when it is friends who bring me favorite sweaters they would be sad to say goodbye to.
I had the same issue and asked my local dry cleaner/tailoring person and she worked her magic and fixed all of the holes and it looks great. I would recommend you start locally.
How do you find cheap wedding venues that are still charming? In the Bay Area and it feels like everything is 5-10k.
I feel like by wedding venue standards, that is cheap? To go much cheaper, I think some state parks have large pavilions you can rent that would probably be less. Churches also sometimes have gathering spaces that may be less expensive. You could also of course do a private room at a restaurant, where your food/drink minimum covers the “venue cost.”
Also this: https://withjoy.com/blog/affordable-wedding-venues-bay-area/
Check out Landmark’s China Cabin in Tiburon. State owned so reasonable and gorgeous space. Guest limits though, but that also helps keep your costs down.
https://landmarkssociety.com/rentals/china-cabin/
Yes. That is how much they cost. Everyone is looking for the same thing. Your best bet is a restaurant with a private room.
I have no idea about the Bay Area but here fire companies often have nice spaces for weddings. They’re not all the old school empty hall aesthetic anymore. Sometimes philanthropic clubs will rent out their spaces, too.
There are a number of places in LA that do this as well, also some museums (esp. the smaller ones) do this too.
Wow, wow, wow. I just looked up Filoli because I’ve thought that would be a nice venue – it is huge though, maybe more than you need. “Wedding buyouts” (whatever that is) start at $65,000. but there is a “Micro wedding” (funny name) for $3,500.
well Filoli is a palatial mansion with beautiful grounds including rose garden, swimming pool, orchards and anything you could want from an estate. When you think affordable, that would be the opposite.
OP, have you looked into the various botanical gardens and local rose gardens?
Country club, faculty club, etc. where someone in your family is a member so the facility fee is waived? Park?
Not sure if this would work for you, but the San Jose Municipal Rose Garden is lovely and I believe it is relatively inexpensive.
Check out reservable facilities at the East Bay Regional Park District – the Brazilian Room in particular is a popular wedding venue and it’s under 5k. Good luck and congratulations!
Does anyone have a dry erase board calendar that they love? I need a 16 x 20 calendar, and the one that I bought from Wayfair was barely legible.
This is the one that I loved (to give you an idea of the look that we’re going for): https://www.wayfair.com/decor-pillows/pdp/zipcode-design-monthly-wall-mounted-dry-erase-board-vark5670.html
I also love the look of the Poketo Spectrum Wall Calendar, but sadly it’s too big for the space…
Have you tried a reverse image search? That can bring up similar ones at various sites.
A friend took his life this weekend and I’m currently sitting in a corporate training about how if you link up with the right people and put yourself in the right mindset, you can overcome negativity and reach beyond the upper limits! If anyone on these boards creates these asinine “trainings,” stop.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m angry on your behalf that you had to lose a friend in that way and now are having to attend some BS corporate toxic positivity boot camp.
I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Trainings like this make me incredibly annoyed, even when I haven’t suffered a tragedy.
You have my permission to go to the bathroom and not come back for a looooooong time.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry, Anon. Sending you all the hugs. And yes, every time my workplace ask me I remind them that encouraging resilience doesn’t help when the world feels like it’s falling apart
I’m so so sorry. Please take a personal day if possible. If you have a good relationship with your boss, let them know and take a day or two.
I am so sorry for your loss. And this toxic positivity stuff should be banned. It’s inappropriate for the workplace, IMHO.
I am so sorry. I hope you’re able to duck out early; those trainings are bad enough on their own.
Oh my goodness. I give you full permission to “not be feeling so great” and sort of drift out the side door.
Do things get easier once you’re married? I’m in my twenties and keep having this feeling of wanting to just get married, have kids, lock everything down. My boyfriend and I have agreed on a 2-3 year plan to get engaged, and I feel in my head I’m like “finally then I’ll feel secure and safe and not emotionally unraveled all the time.” But also I recognize that things seem to get harder for people (obviously) during that stage and I don’t know why I’m romanticizing it so much. I just feel so burnt out and raw a lot of the time and want something to look forward to as a relief from it eventually.
LOL no, they definitely don’t. I think you should try therapy.
We aren’t allowed to recommend therapy around here anymore, apparently
I hate that people dismiss the therapy recommendation because it shows up all the time. Yeah, if your problem is big enough that you’re asking for help on the internet, it’s likely that therapy will be helpful!
I hate to say this but “lock everything down” is an illusion. Things happen, people change, your life doesn’t always go to plan. I think you need to get more comfortable with yourself as reaching these milestones by themselves won’t fulfill you.
Anecdotally, I feel like for many women, their 30s are better than their 20s due to increased confidence, experience, and maturity, even regardless of marriage and family status.
Also, in addition to therapy, going to plug the TV show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It definitely deals with a lot of these themes
Getting married isn’t going to magically cure what you are feeling. Strongly consider getting therapy to address what you are feeling.
I wouldn’t say it’s easier when you’re married – it’s not like you stop having disagreements or stress or get to stop trying and coast because you got the ring. Thinking you can stop making an effort is a path to divorce. And kids by no means make ANYTHING easier – in fact marital happiness is usually the worst during the thick of child raising years.
The stage you’re in now should not feel like burnout and stress. But guessing at the source, if you’re eager for the next step and your bf is talking about a multi-year path to even getting engaged, it sounds like you’re not *actually* in agreement on your relationship goals. You want a firm commitment and he’s “hey we’ll agree to agree in a few years.” What’s the reason for the lengthy plan?
+1. That stood out to me, too. Unless you’re very early 20s, or getting through med school or something, it seems like you’re on different timetables.
+1
+1000 this is so on point. the 2-3 timeframe for getting engaged sent off all sorts of red flags since it seems inconsistent with what you are looking for.
This was my thought as well. Why the extended timeline for engagement?
Whoa. Lots to unpack here. Let’s back up. What’s making you feel burnt out and raw and insecure and unsafe and emotionally unraveled? Other than the unsafe part, that sounds like how ADHD can exhibit in adult women. Is this a work problem, a family problem?
yeah this. You need to get to the source of your feelings in the here and now. A ring on your finger or children will not magically counteract whatever it is that is making you feel so restless. If you are insecure in your relationship (couldn’t really tell from your post), then pouring hopes, dreams and dollars into a big wedding will not do a single thing to ease that distress.
It may depend why you feel that way, but for me it did. I felt like I was waiting around until I got married and it wasn’t because I wasn’t doing fun things and living a full life. I did plenty of traveling, had an interesting job, lots of hobbies, friends, etc. But I was still waiting on something to happen, you know? Waiting to get engaged seems like you’re still not even sure if you want to be together long term. How frustrating to kick it down the road. I’m not the world’s most patient person so ymmv.
I feel similarly. My life DID get easier once I got married. That doesn’t mean every day or every moment is easier or that we haven’t experienced hard things together, but life did get smoother on aggregate. Granted, we don’t have kids yet so I’m sure that will change once we are parents haha. (Admittedly, we have only been married 2 years so I am speaking from limited experience here.)
Still, use your time well while you wait. I wish I had spent less of my single years wishing the time away and am grateful for the things I went ahead and pursued anyway: grad school, home ownership, trips with friends, therapy, time spent learning best practices for my own mental health and pursuing my faith. I wasted plenty of time when I was single feeling sorry for myself, too, but those were the practices I am proud of rather than the ones I regret.
Life moves quickly so, as cliche as it may sound, really do look for the positives of the season you’re in.
I should add: I agree with those who suggest considering whether or not you and your boyfriend actually want the same things in life within reasonably overlapping timeframes.
yea for me it was kind of the same, but i also started dating my now husband at age 20 and we weren’t going to get married then. and most certainly weren’t talking marriage when we first started dating in college. there were lots of variables to negotiate – location of jobs, grad school plans etc. that might have been handled differently if we’d met at a different stage of life or had already been married.
What is you felt like you were waiting for? Did that need/want feel fulfilled after you got married?
I’m not the person you’re responding to but to answer your question, for me it did yes. I was dating for years and years with the goal of getting married (to the right person). Yes it was a huge relief to get married to an awesome guy. Yes it did feel fulfilling. I think most people would say they feel happy and joyful and fulfilled at least when they first get married?
I was waiting for my family, as cheesy as that sounds. I didn’t know if I would end up where I wanted to be. Now I’m married and have a couple kids and I do feel fulfilled. Having kids can be challenging, sure, but the frustration at having your life unsettled is a totally different thing.
That’s not cheesy, it makes total sense.
OMG the hardest time of life is when you have little kids!
No and definitely not if you throw kids / parenting into the mix! Focus on loving yourself now
I want to echo that having kids is incredibly stressful and challenging personally and on your marriage. And I love my kids and have a lot of financial and local family support! It’s partly the logistics, but it’s also emotionally a lot to suddenly be responsible for a tiny person, your whole life and identity changes, need to negotiate division of labor differently, brings up stuff from your own birth family and childhood that is unresolved, etc.
Unpopular opinion. Why is there a 2-3 year plan to get engaged? You’re not in college anymore and you’re far enough along in your relationship to talk about marriage – absent extenuating circumstances, another 2+ years is just one or both of you avoiding commitment.
I have the counterintuitive suggestion of getting married sooner but waiting as a married couple before having kids, if you want kids. People treat you differently when you’re married and being married can be quite an adjustment. Date long enough to know that you’ve found the right person; be engaged long enough to plan a fun wedding and do premarital counseling (if you want to go that route); and spend your pre-kids time as a married couple. Alternate family holidays as a married couple. Negotiate vacations with and without family as a married couple. Establish your boundaries before the kids come along.
I’ll second this suggestion. We got married fast – first date to wedding day was 2 years and 2 months – but we waited 7 years after getting married to have kids. For us, being married was not that much different than living together; we had moved in together a year into the relationship because we were both serious about each other and in it for the long haul, so being married was just being together as we had been, with rings and a piece of paper that made my grandfather stop asking when we were going to stop “living in sin.” Having our kid was a whoooole other story. Once we had him, I was so glad we’d waited, because I think if we’d had a baby in the first three years of our marriage, we would have split up. Our kid had colic and was generally high-needs and it was super, super stressful. I completely agree that having been married and set boundaries and negotiated wants and needs as a married couple made introducing a kid into the equation so much easier.
I’m the Anon at 1:29 PM. First date to wedding in 20 months; pregnant four months after that. (Almost forty and we had no idea it would be so easy for us to conceive.) 0/10 do not recommend; it’s better than infertility but that is all it has going for it.
We each have some obnoxious – okay toxic, they are actually toxic – family members. Quick marriage + hard pregnancy + their b.s. and cruelty + lacking communication as newlyweds = a gigantic mess.
Different life stages come with different challenges. Which stages you experience as harder or easier really depends on your personality. I hated those in between years where your life feels so focused on the future and not the now. As a type A, goal oriented person, it’s real hard to turn off the forward-looking nature of everything you’re trying to achieve and focus on this cool period of your life. I just want to get where I’m going, you know? Even as a middle schooler I always felt my ideal age was like 40.
One of the things I find particularly eyeroll inducing is this notion that being married is So Hard. If you have the right partner then being married is miles easier than being single (or unhappily unmarried even if you’re partnered). I was single and dating until I was 35, married at 37. DH makes my life better in every conceivable way. If your spouse makes your life suck then maybe ditch him.
I agree with this. As noted upthread, having little kids is hard — but marriage itself should be easy. And (not having experienced this myself, alas), I should add that if you do have the right partner then that ought to make the “having little kids” part easier, too.
Yeah I mean some things are just hard. Babies. Aging parents. Death. But I don’t read OP as saying, babies/parents/death aren’t hard, I read her as saying, I feel like I’m in the waiting room to the rest of my life and I just want to get on with it already, what’s it like from the other side?
Eh, yes and no. The person shouldn’t make your life suck, but the situation may suck. Ask any trailing academic spouse if marriage is hard and no matter how lovely and compatible their spouse is, they will say it’s hard. Ask anyone whose in-laws require extensive care, help, or monetary aid how marriage changes their life. Ask anyone whose family cannot be reasonable to their spouse and therefore, no longer participates in family-of-origin gatherings and holidays.
But she’s not comparing being married to being single, she’s comparing it to being with a serious partner. If the relationship now is hard, it won’t magically improve by getting married.
“than being single (or unhappily unmarried even if you’re partnered)” literally in the post.
You need to address what’s happening in the here and now. And are you sure that you and your boyfriend want the same things? A 2-3 year “plan” to get engaged is just … BS, unless you’re very young or have extenuating circumstances.
Is it your life that is stressful or the relationship itself? I definitely think we romanticize marriage, kids the whole thing when it’s really not going to dramatically improve our lives. There will always be problems in your life, sometimes really big, difficult things but if the problem is the relationship, marriage won’t solve it.
I felt this way in a relationship that was wrong for me. The guy I was with never was going to want to marry (me or at all, I don’t know, but it didn’t matter). But I also needed some serious work on myself, yes, in therapy, to feel more secure in relationships. Thanks mom and dad for the anxious attachment style!
I’m sorry you feel this way. My interpretation of your comments are that you do not feel secure in your relationship, and you want to get married and have kids to provide security. A look around at all the divorced parents in this world should be enough to realize that getting married will not make you secure. I think it’s very unrealistic to be in any relationship thinking it will last forever. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. You should feel secure in any relationship, whether its a boyfriend or husband. If not, you could start addressing why you feel that way. Is it your spidey senses that he’s not being faithful? Is it your own insecurities being projected? No relationship should make you feel uneasy. A lot of us have learned the hard way that being alone is preferable to being with the wrong person.
You’re getting good advice. In case it’s comforting, I found my 20s exceedingly stressful. My 30s so far have been far less so, despite cancer. Part of that was that I didn’t get good mental health treatment until I was 27. Part of it was I had a bunch of relationships that weren’t right. Part of it was I made less money and paid for grad school as I went and so I had some really not ideal roommate situations. I just think your 20s can be hard.
OP, I felt this way in my mid 20s as well. I was struggling a lot with my own insecurities and thought that if I could just somehow become good enough to “deserve” marriage, then everything would fall into place. I had a million inadequacies, all of which my then-boyfriend “helpfully” coached me on remedying. (Gag!!)
Spoiler alert: All of the insecurity and inadequacy I was dealing with turned out to be because I was with the wrong person. It took me a really long time to realize it, but it turns out that being with someone who makes you feel that way about yourself is absolutely horrible for your mental health.
We broke up, I worked on myself for a little bit, and then I met my wonderful fiancé who has made me feel deserving of love and support from day one. With him, I never felt the urgency and desperation to get married that I felt with my ex. He made me feel secure and valued even when we first started dating. I was able to confidently let things develop at their own pace because I knew I was enough. Maybe I ended up on a slightly slower life plan than I would’ve wanted (due to wasting time with my ex, not due to my fiancé!), but it’s an infinitely BETTER life because I am with the right person.
I’m not saying you should drop him… I’m just saying that some self-reflection is needed here. The right partner lifts you up and makes you feel secure. Your life will feel “locked down” because you two agree on a path without having to negotiate for every little movement towards the future. You won’t be forced to prove your worth at every step. You’re enough as you are, and you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel supported.
If you don’t feel secure and safe in your relationship now, getting married will not change it IMO.
This is so true. Ask me how I know…
You’ve gotten a lot of solid advice here, so I just want to add the the quarter-life crisis is real! Especially for high achievers. Your goals in your 20s are often a combination of what you imagined your adult life would be and what the authority figures in your life – parents, friends, teachers, bosses – expected from you. You’ve been pushing yourself towards them without stopping to assess if they’re really what you want, and at some point you realize you’ve run yourself ragged and you aren’t happy.
We recommend therapy a lot on this board, but OP, if what I’m describing sounds like how you feel, then therapy is an amazing gift you can give yourself. I hope you can find some relief, because it sounds like you’re in a tough place right now.
They do, if you’re married to the right person. But doesn’t sound like OP is necessarily with that person.
I felt like that while I while dating the wrong guy AND dating with the hope of marriage and family.
Everything felt secure from the start when I started dating my now husband.
There are different challenges after marriage (eg kids), but I haven’t felt insecure in that way since.
This is actually a good explanation for why I married my ex husband in my mid-20s. The marriage and relationship never made me happy or feel secure and settled, even after we had a kid. After being married, I tried buying a home, then selling it and buying and renovating another one, then having a kid. Finally the marriage ended and after several years I finally had that secure/settled feeling, as a divorced late-30s mom in a rental. Shortly thereafter I met someone (I had been casually dating and not looking for anything serious), and were now married and happy. When I was in my 20s I rolled my eyes at the whole “you have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone else” thing but (don’t tell my friends lol) it was actually true in my case.
Are you living with him now? I ask because my son broke up with his 7 year girlfriend six months after they moved in together.
Might be too late to post here, so I will also post in the afternoon thread.
One of my mentees just passed the bar exam (!). I am so excited for her and I want to give her a small gift to start her on her career. I would like to find a book about succeeding as a woman in a professional field. Many moons ago I had a mentor gift me the book “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office,” but I fear that the advice in it will be too dated to be useful to a young attorney in 2022. What recommendations does the wise hive have for me?
I really mean this kindly, but somehow in 2022 I just cringe at the idea of a book full of rules for women to follow in order to succeed as a professional. Gah. When I graduated from college the big book was, I kid you not, called “How to Make it in a Man’s World” and it included, I kid you not, a chapter called “The Helping Hand (and How to Keep it Off Your Body.” Honestly at this point, with all the pre-pandemic rules being re-written, I’d give her a beautiful scarf or handbag and tell her to go out there and take no prisoners.
Failing that, how about the Ask a Manager book?
While I understand your argument, I still think Nice Girls is relevant to recognize when you are being the office mom (cleaning up after a birthday celebration, automatically being the one to take notes etc). I do agree that a scarf or nice bag is a better option though.
I don’t know, I reread Nice Girls recently and it was sooo much cringe.
This is me giving your advice a standing ovation. Yes, yes, yes.