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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I came upon this simple, chic sheath dress a few weeks ago and was impressed both by how many colors it comes in (6 colors, including a darker blue and a fun black and white polka dot) as well as its price: at full price it's $79, but today it comes down to $56. (The black option seems to be down to $39, with sizes 4-18 still available). There's a matching flyaway jacket but, honestly, it isn't my favorite — I'd probably just stick with the dress as a separate for work. It's available at Macy's and Amazon (where it's eligible for Prime Wardrobe). Sheath Dress
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ellen
Kat, this is exactly the kind of sheathe dress I love and can buy for work! It’s styleish, colorful and not expensive either! I will go to Macy’s today, with the manageing partner’s corporate AMEX Card! YAY!!!!
I spent the day with Myrna at urgent care. She has a bunion that got infected and now she is not abel to do the Triathalon this year. My new associate is answering phones for me today at work. She is very cute and atheletic so I will introuce her to Myrna and we can all be freinds! YAY!!!
My West Side apartement is haveing some kind of financial issues, and my occupancy will be delayed! YAY!!! There is some overseas investor that is whining about something, Dad says, but he has the prospectus from NY STATE so he says he is on solid grounds. Worst case is that he resinds the contract, which could be great for me! Keep your fingers crossed! YAY!!!
Legally Brunette
There have been a lot of comments about wanting a more “natural” box dye for coloring hair. I recently came across as Hairprint, which is so “natural” you can actually eat it (not that you would want to, but all of the ingredients are food grade). Sounds too good to be true. Has anyone tried it? Note that it only works for brunettes and it restores your gray to your natural color (you can’t change your hair color with this).
http://www.myhairprint.com
Anon
Is this an ad?
Anonymous
Legally Brunette posts real comments regularly. I am sure this is a legitimate question.
Anonymous
This is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. Have you tried it? Wondering if two shades can be mixed if in between brown and dark.
(appreciated the recommendations I got on my other post for henna but haven’t been brave enough yet to try anything on my hair)
Legally Brunette
I haven’t tried it but I just bought it and am going to give it a try. If you Google there are some bloggers who have posted positive reviews, but I was curious if anyone here had tried it. It looks like it will be more time intensive and messy than regular boxed dye, but on the plus side it seems much better for hair. Will report back.
Calico
Yes, please report back. I’ve tried so many different dyes and am still searching for a good one.
Anonymous
Thanks! definitely looking forward to your review.
Anonymous
Does it contain henna? Every hair stylist I’ve known has told me to never use henna since it’s completely permanent and they even have trouble stripping it from people’s hair with bleach. So if you’re OK being stuck with the color, then it’s not an issue.
LB
No henna! I have heard the same about henna.
Citrus
I love the color of this dress.
Does Essie Gel Couture nail polish really last longer than regular nail polish? I’ve always used super cheap NYC nail polish, so my standards aren’t super high (but that stuff works surprisingly well! I’m just having trouble finding it now).
Any favorite color recs? I’m looking for a happy staple color. My office is very casual, so anything goes.
Anonymous
I really like Sally Hansen miracle gel. No light needed and it lasts about 10 days.
Anonymous
I agree.
My “thing” that i do is paint my nails nude-for-me and then add another layer of iridescent.
Anonymous
I think the Essie one lasts longer than Sally Hansen miracle, though both are better than “regular” nail polish.
Baconpancakes
Yep, Gel Couture definitely lasts longer than regular nail polish. Nowhere near a gel manicure, of course. I’m really hard on my nails – a regular manicure lasts me about 2 hours, no matter how long I sit at the salon and let my nails dry. Gel Couture lasts about 4 days, so a strong improvement for me. I haven’t tried any other brands, since I like the colors Essie has so much.
J
Not sure about this one, but I have the Essie Gel Setter top coat and think it definitely makes a difference. It can be used with any polish.
Anonymous
Yes! I get about a day *maybe* two out of regular polish. I have gotten up to 5 days of no issues and 7 with tip wear with this polish. I am super hard on my nails, and this is now the only polish I will buy. I like Beauty Marked for the summer a lot. I find it fairly close of OPI Cajun Shrimp which is my tried and true color.
Aunt Jamesina
I LOVE Gel Couture. I’m hard on my nails, and I can get Gel Couture to last 5-7 days, instead of 1-2 with a regular manicure at home.
Anonymous
Keto or Atkins? Is there a difference? Which do you prefer? Thinking of doing low carb for a few weeks to break some bad behavior patterns, maybe longer if I can swing it. If you’ve done a diet like that recently, what would your grocery shopping list look like?
Karen
All meat, eggs, and fresh veggies. Be prepared for a sugar withdrawal. Have a trusted friend check your breath as ketosis can cause really stinky breath (my husband got it but I didn’t when we cut the carbs).
Assume prep time will be 20-45 minutes for everything.
Anonymous
Jenny Ruhl (of Low Carb 101) has some helpful clarifications on the bad breath issue. In short, bad breath is usually a sign of breaking down protein for energy. If you’re running on fat, your breath should be fine.
Anonymous
I eat similar to this but I don’t avoid veggies or fruit.
My shopping list is all the fruits and vegetables I like/in season, meat (incl tuna and salmon), butter, cheese, full fat plain greek yogurt, unsweetened applesauce. For breakfast I eat a big bowl of vegetables (including potatoes), fried in ghee, with either some leftover meat, or 2 eggs. I don’t eat much else during the day ( I work at home so I can cook in the morning). Sometimes I eat dinner sometimes not. I don’t eat added sugar of any kind, not honey, molasses, agave, or even any kind of artificial sugar. For snacks I eat watermelon or applesauce/yogurt, or string cheese.
I do this because i have GI issues, so it’s not a “diet” per se. But I’m happiest with tons of produce plus dairy and protein. Not gonna lie, this is a tough plan sometimes. Avoiding sugar feels almost impossible sometimes! I get tired of cooking potatoes.
But that’s what it looks like.
Kesha
That is not what keto or atkins or even low carb looks like if you are eating a big bowl of potatoes every day.
Anonymous
And yet I lost a ton of weight! I think the key is cutting out sugar and flour.
pugsnbourbon
We ate paleo-ish for a while. Groceries were more expensive because we focused on really high quality meat, and to cut down on intensive prep time (Karen is right) we relied more on pre-cut veggies, salad mixes, etc.
I felt pretty good physically while eating that way, but I’m not sure if that had more to do with just healthier choices in general or that specific diet.
Mrs. Jones
I did keto last summer. I ate meat, eggs, colorful veggies, berries, nuts, seeds, and fat. Get a spiralizer to make carb-free noodles, or buy frozen spiralized veggies.
Anonymous
Beware though that spiralized veggies are not carb-free.
MJ
HIghly recommend the The 30 Ketogenic Cleanse by Maria Emmerich. They have a great FB group where you can ask all of your keto questions. Maria and her husband are not quacks and are very science based with what little things can throw you out of keto and how and why keto works. Good luck!
Maria also has a website with lots of blog posts and recipes that I really like.
Nesprin
Keto is similar to atkins in that there’s a focus on low carb, but that’s where the similarities end. Ketogenic diet is designed to put you in a state where the brain switches over from glucose to ketones (keep in mind that the brain is ~20% of caloric demand). This means >80% of calories should come from fat, with the remaining 20% from protein. In contrast atkins is designed to minimize carbohydrates but no further restrictions on fat/protein.
Getting into ketosis very very hard, and overdoing it (aka ketoacidosis which happens in untreated diabetics who cannot metabolize glucose) is dangerous. FYI there’s pee strips to check for presence of ketones in urine available at most pharmacies. The ketogenic diet was originally designed as a last desperate resort for diabetics before insulin was broadly available but has been recently adopted for treatment of severe refractory epilepsy. Surprisingly, distance runners also occasionally do very well on the ketogenic diet.
Anonymous
I’m stuck on “overdoing it.” Is there really any risk of ketoacidosis for non-diabetics? I didn’t think there was a spectrum from ketosis to ketoacidosis where you could just go too far (medical keto diets are incredibly strict).
I also thought everyone went into ketosis whenever losing weight, but I agree that that’s very very hard!
JuniorMinion
Depends on what your activity levels / goals are. If you seriously play a sport / lift weights atkins (especially atkins 40 – the one for people who have less than 40 lbs to lose) might be a better fit as it allows you to keep protein high and you get ~40g of net carbs / day so can still have some amount of high fiber carbs (thinking stuff like protein bars, low carb tortillas, sprouted grain bread). My brother lost ~30 lbs off his squat doing keto and I can’t imagine lifting seriously at those low protein levels.
Anonymous
Ladies, what are your thoughts on keeping ones emergency fund in a money market fund? I have about $40k in mine and having that money sitting there earning nothing is kind of killing me. Even 1% would be something… I know it’s not FDIC insured but I don’t know how worried I should be about that.
Anonymous
It depends on your risk tolerance I guess. For me the emergency fund is supposed to be guaranteed, instantly accessible money and I just want it sitting in the bank. There are savings accounts that pay 1% interest.
Karen
What do the rest of your assets look like? How many months of living expenses is $40k? If the market crashed and you lost 2/3, would it still cover you?
Anonymous
I’m not sure what interest rate you are finding for money market accounts, but online savings accounts are offering between 1.5 and 1.75% interest. That may be an alternative that works for you
Anon
You have to assess your own risk level and tolerance in these situations. I keep a small-ish emergency fund in an online savings account (10k-20k) and the rest goes in my Vanguard index funds (currently around $35k). My husband and I both have stable jobs. The risk of us losing them at the same time is very low. We have equity in our home. We have credit cards with large credit limits and no balances. I’m comfortable with my setup but know that not everyone would be.
Anonymous
Ally is up to like 1.5% or something and that’s just a savings account – it takes a few days to get your money but who cares. I only keep money in a money market fund if a) it’s making a lot in interest (higher than a savings account) or b) I want to be ready to buy stock or funds asap.
anon
+1 Ally is FDIC insured. It only takes a day or two to get your money out, which seems fine.
Anonymous
Not a financial expert, but I would put a lot of that money (maybe $30K) in an MMF. It’s pretty unlikely that you’ll lose money in an MMF, and you’re also not likely to make so much that you’ll have significant tax implications from selling for cash.
It really depends on your living expenses though. My family of 3 can reduce our spending to about $3500 per month in the case of short-term unemployment. $40K would be almost one year’s worth of living expenses with no lifestyle changes and no additional income or social safety net whatsoever. (I suppose it also depends on whether you have health insurance, short- and long-term disability insurance, family support, etc.)
Shopping help
I’m desperately looking for 100% (or at least 90%) cotton dresses for a casual office. Multiple color options would be a bonus.
Help! The temperature suddenly skyrocketed!
BB
Modcloth? The other option you might consider is looking at dresses by outdoor gear brands (Patagonia, Prana, REI, etc.) They will have some 100% cotton options, but for beating the heat, one of their nylon blend wicking fabrics may be even better.
BB
My boredom and curiosity got the best of me and I did a quick REI browse. This wrap dress looks awesome for a casual office. It’s 1/2 cotton, 1/2 tencel (which I think is a bamboo fabric) and moisture wicking.
https://www.rei.com/product/126598/toadco-cue-wrap-dress
pugsnbourbon
I was just at a fancy-schmancy outdoor store and the Toad&Co dresses looked awesome! The fabric was nice – light but not see-thru and not scratchy.
I haven’t checked recently, but you can sometimes find that brand marked down at Sierra Trading Post. I found a dress from the Craghopper brand that’s too casual for work, but good for weekend activities.
SuziStockbroker
I love my Toad&CO clothing. Super comfy! I can’t wear it to work (suits or dress/blazer only) but a lot of it would be fine in a more casual office.
Anonymous
Thanks for the REI and Toad Co recommendations.
Unfortunately, Modcloth was bought out by Walmart, which I boycott. Just a PSA.
anon8
They are not 100% cotton, but I like the Old Navy jersey swing dresses. They are loose and comfortable in hot weather.
NOLA
I have those dresses in several colors and every sleeve length. They can look really polished with a long swing cardigan over them, or completely casual with nothing or a jean jacket. Love them! They are swingy at the bottom where I am bigger, but not huge at the shoulders (where I am smaller).
Never too many shoes...
I have some adorable cotton dresses from the horrifically named Dress Barn. You may have to poke around a bit as there is a lot of polyester stuff.
Cookbooks
I’ve had good luck at Boden. And bonus, some of them have pockets!
Legally Brunette
I was going to suggest Boden as well. Lots of beautiful colors and prints, but note that if you are long waisted their dresses won’t work for you.
Anonymous
Seersucker is 100% cotton. Lands’ End might be good for easy washable mostly cotton dresses.
Anonymous
Thanks for the search term. Definitely helpful!
MJ
LL Bean has some really cute seersucker right now (went down a rabbit hole based on the post yesterday). Talbots has a few 100% cotton (or near–minimal stretch) dresses that are office appropriate and very comfy. I get most of my summerwear from Boden though. I like that at lot of their dresses have sleeves.
Anonymous
Nordstrom lets you search by material, or try looking for seersucker or poplin if you can’t find stuff with the word cotton in it, like this: https://www.jcrew.com/us/p/womens_category/dresses/day/sleeveless-shirtdress-in-cotton-poplin/J1570
Mattress Shopping
Does anyone have experience with either helix or avocado mattresses? I’m trying to buy a new bed and I think I’ve narrowed it down to those two. The avocado is slightly more expensive but is all-natural, so apparently less off-gassing (is this a real problem with foam mattresses?) and possibly better for allergies.
Mary
We bought a Helix about 2 1/2 years ago and are very happy with it.
Sunshine
We got a Helix a few months ago and love it. There’s much less motion transfer than an innerspring. The ability to customize each side of the mattress was also a big plus for us. No issues with off-gassing.
Bored Anon
How do you stay motivated in the day-to-day grind? For a host of reasons, I need to stay in a job that is fine and safe and stable but not remotely challenging for the next couple of years, and I’m having a really hard time staying focused. I thrive under pressure, so I find myself putting things off until I’m up against a deadline just for the challenge of getting it done under the wire. This is so dumb and irresponsible, and I’m normally not like this, but I’m just really struggling with being bored at work. I’ve already taken on all of the extra responsibility available where I am, and I’m in school to facilitate a career change in a few years, so it’s a pretty short term problem. Any suggestions in the meantime?
Elegant Giraffe
Someone posted about this yesterday or Tuesday. She was four months pregnant, knew she would appreciate the safeness/stability of the job once she had the child but was bored in the meantime. Maybe search for that thread.
OP
Thanks – missed that one!
Tfor22
This is going to sound ridiculous and only works part of the time, but I invent little challenges for myself. I have been underwater helping to cover for a team member on medical leave, so sometimes I set email inbox number goals for myself. First it was get my inbox to 250, then 200, etc. Yesterday I got to 90!
I tend to procrastinate on things that are routine or bore me or scare me, so I try to give myself rewards to get ahead on something. I’ll listen to favorite music or get a special coffee and tell myself that I can only enjoy the music/coffee while working on the dreaded task.
I am eager to see what others say.
OP
Love this! And we might be procrastination twins.
givemyregards
I know a lot of answers on here are usually along the lines of network, learn new skills, take a coursera class, etc. but since you already know you’re changing careers, I don’t know if that would make sense for you. And having been in your shoes, I just looked for ways to eat up time that were personally fulfilling. I don’t know what your office setup is like, but I’ve done things like write morning pages, read longform articles on interesting topics, etc. which gets the gears turning and encourages me to get back to work. I’ve also set a timer for 15-25 minutes or so and told myself I’ll work during that time and then take a 5-10 minute break (to read articles online, call and schedule a dentist appointment, whatever). It seems to make the time pass faster. I can’t tell if your work is just too easy/boring to you or you genuinely don’t have enough of it to fill your time (or both!) but if you’re trying to get yourself to not procrastinate, that has been the most helpful thing for me (I’m typing this comment on a five minute break!)
Also depending on what your office is like, when I’ve been in similar situations I have taken on odd office assignments like planning team building events, organizing the supply room, asking random co-workers if they need help with anything, etc. Anything to just make the time pass.
OP
Great suggestions! I might need to start doing morning pages to get the day off to a productive start and go from there.
Anonymous
If you don’t mind sharing, what are career change are you making? I’m interested because I’ve been looking at making a change soon.
OP
Currently a paralegal, in school for a BA in accounting with plans to try to get on with a public accounting firm when I finish the degree and then pursue becoming a CPA. Originally intended to go to law school, but given the current climate and the cost of law school (yikes!) I think the CPA route is a better option, and I think I’m better suited to it anyway. Hope this is helpful!
Thistledown
This is me as well. I’m actively interviewing for better jobs, but it actually makes my current job less tolerable because I’m thinking a lot about what I want in a job. I’ve let things get pretty behind, because I just don’t care. That feels terrible to say, but I just can’t bring myself to care about anything I’m working on right now. But, I have felt better this week after getting caught-up on my emails. I’ve tried to get through ten emails first thing in the morning, so I don’t get sucked into reading the news/blogs all morning. After that, I’ve just set little goals for myself – trying to get a few more done or getting to a certain number. I got it below 100 yesterday and woke-up feeling less terrible this morning. Usually I’d be trying to get put on projects (I volunteer for everything), but right now it’s just really dead in the office, so it’s going to be really hard to get anything new.
Car recommendations?
I’m late 40’s and have driven a Lexus Rx, the small SUV, for eleven years and really like it. The plan is to buy another car and let our 15.5 year old drive this car when she gets her license and after installing an after-market backup camera.
We always buy new vehicles and drive them a long time. Should I get another Rx? I considered getting the smaller Lexus SUV, the Nx, but they seem to be hotter items (less room for negotiation) and I do not love the interior while there are tons of Rx vehicles on the lot. I also looked at the Mazda CX-5, the Acura RDX, the smaller Audi SUV (more than I want to spend). The VW Tiaguan is neat but I have not looked at it yet. I like all of them but do not LOVE any of them. I did sort of love the Porsche Macan but it is not my personality to drive – or pay for – a Porsche and I would feel uncomfortable driving it to work at a public academic institution. My husband mentioned that the new Honda Accord sedans are very nice. I like to sit up a little higher driving but maybe it is time to switch to a sedan since I no longer need to drive children. This is such a first world problem. I’m usually not so indecisive but want to make a good decision since the plan is to drive this vehicle for many years. Any advice?
Anonymous
I can’t really comment on the types of cars necessarily, but I will tell you that I think going from a SUV (even a small one) to a sedan is a tough move. Esp. if you do any highway driving. I get really frustrated by the change in sight-line.
Housecounsel
Everyone I know with an Acura RDX or MDX loves it and keeps it for years and years.
Anonymous
Two friends with RDXs – same experience!
Anonymous
I had two RDXs, and the last one (a 2016 model) was riddled with technology issues. Acura, both my local dealer and the corporate office, were useless. I ended up ending my lease early and getting a Prius Prime.
Tessa Karlov
I love my RDX, and I like it as a slightly smaller SUV that can also comfortably fit 4 other people if I’m DD. It’s still pretty high up, as well.
Anonymous
I personally would get a sedan rather than a SUV if you don’t need a car of that size. Better gas mileage.
KateMiddletown
Eh, not really. Most small SUVs (CRV, etc) are built on car chassis, so they get v similar mileage.
I hate driving my husband’s Passat because I feel so small compared to other cars on the road. I love my CRV and we’ll probably buy another one after that. (Stick with what you know!)
Anonymous
I adored my CRV. It recently got totalled in an accident and while the car was a mess, everyone inside was 100% safe – not even any whiplash. We replaced it with a three-row SUV because i have kids that are getting bigger and carpooling, but honestly, I miss my CRV so much.
Brit
I will be following this thread, because I am in the market too. I am mid/late 30s and single, but I just bought a total reno house so I will need something that lets me schlep materials, tools, etc.
I am leaning toward a BMW X1. It has excellent safety ratings, great gas mileage, and I can get a 3 year old one for around 20k with low miles. Like you, I enjoy sitting a little higher. The X1 sits higher than a car but lower than most SUVs. Some car enthusiast types have derided the X1 as a station wagon masquerading as an SUV but I have seen plenty of them around and I don’t see a station wagon at all when I look at them.
Aunt Jamesina
I have an X1 and I LOVE it. The backseat is pretty small, though.
Anonymous
I love the Tiguan. Have you thought about a Buick Enclave? Normally I don’t like Buicks but I do like that one.
BUSYBEE
I like my Honda HR-V. Agree with PPs about going from SUV to sedan. It’ll feel really weird. I drove an RX-350 for several years. I liked that it was a “smaller” SUV. Even the new RX’s (mine was 2008) are a lot bigger than my old one.
HR-V is the smaller version of the CR-V, so if you want a bump up in size, check out the CR-V.
CountC
My mom ended up with an Enclave because she wants to be higher up in traffic. She is super picky and she really likes it!
Never too many shoes...
I have a Mazda CX-5. It is a car, it is fine but I would not say it has changed my world or anything. Have you looked at the Volvo XC60? Or even the new XC40 if you want to stay SUV-adjacent?
Anonymous
I also have a CX-5 and like it – but I went with it because it was one of the few crossover options that had a manual transmission option (at least the initial model years did, the newer ones do not). I like sitting up higher than a car, but it has the same physical footprint as a car. It’s not quite as tall as an SUV, so getting in and out isn’t a step up.
Anonymous
Another vote for the CX-5
Metallica
I test drove an XC 60 about a year ago (i believe it was a 2017) and liked it.
IH Anon
If you are open to a sedan, and since keeping cars forever seems your schtick, I recommend the 2018 Toyota Camry. I know it’s a more basic brand, but they have done absolutely amazing with the interiors and the features to bring it as close to a luxury car as you can at that price point, and the body style is very modern, it was redesigned for 2018 – I fell in love. Good gas mileage and will stay with you forever.
Anonymous
I looooooooooooove lincolns, started with a town car and just bought an mkc. I think Lincoln has very thoughtful luxurious design and I like that I don’t have to pay extra for gas or oil chanes like other luxury brands
Ellen
Dad just traded in his car for a LINCOLN Navigator, which he claims will give him the best ride and resale value. He turned in his Mercedes to get it, and now he is driving “American” again he says! YAY! I am not sure he really loved the Mercedes, b/c he did NOT understand all of the gaget’s in it. He says there is a short class each Saturday at the Dealer’s for people like him who get new cars and do NOT know how to use all of the feature’s. I recommend you look at Dad’s SUV, b/c he knows alot about SUVs and could have gotten anyone he wanted. YAY!!!!
Anonymous
I detest sedans and am reasonably happy driving our new Prius. The driver’s seat is a bit higher up than in a sedan. It is definitely not fancy, but it is surprisingly zippy, the gas mileage is amazing, and it lends me a bit of crunchy granola hippie street cred.
We also keep our cars forever. I would never buy a Volkswagen or an Audi because they just don’t last the way a Toyota or a Honda (and, by extension, a Lexus or an Acura) does.
Anonymous
I’m confused – isn’t the Prius a sedan style car? I mean it’s a car, not a crossover or SUV.
Anonymous
Hatchback.
Anonymous
I read the comment as “I normally hate sedans but don’t hate this one”
AZCPA
I went from a small SUV to a Prius Prime and don’t hate the lower vantage point at all. And I absolutely love the car.
Anon
I love my Nissan Rogue. Great gas mileage for an SUV. I’ve parked it next to a black Lexus SUV before and it took me a second to figure out which was mine and which was the Lexus when I returned.
Anonymous
I love my Rogue too.
C2
3rd the Rogue – I love mine. It’s a great roadtrip car, it has enough room in the back for my road bike without taking wheels off. If you’re looking for a wider car you could also consider a Murano.
Anonymous
Based on my fam and others that we know, the Lexus SUVs seem to last forever. Consider a hybrid, like the 450h?
Anonymous
+1
This what I would do.
We are also on year 10 of our Lexus RX and runs great and so reliable. But I still recommend buying pre-owned and saving more $. Ours was a steal.
anonanon
If you’re open to Honda, look at the 2018 CRV. We did a ton of research and ended up with that. It’s a fantastic car and the reviews are really good. A notch “down” from Lexus but worth considering and driving. I was sold by one review that said it’s the most comfortable car to drive.
MJ
It’s not comfy if you’re tall though! I don’t fit right in their seats at all–I’m leggy. It’s not made for that!
KateMiddletown
I have a 2015 and I’m 5’9″. The backseat gets tiny when my 6’3″ husband scoots his chair back.
Anonymous
We test drove the Honda, but my husband hated it. No pickup, he said.
Horse Crazy
I absolutely love my new Honda Accord, but I imagine it would be difficult going from an SUV to a sedan…if I were you, I’d stick with an SUV.
Anonymous
We have a 2016 CX5 and looooooove it. No kids yet, but it’s great for bumming around town, picking stuff up for the store, the 28974289 Home Depot runs, etc.
OP
Thank you everyone. This is very helpful! I truly appreciate your replies.
Nerfmobile
Also take a look at the Subaru Outback. Two years ago I was thinking I might get a Mazda CX-5 or Honda CRV, but then tried the Outback on a whim and loved it. It’s like a higher-up station wagon, with more trunk room than the small SUVs.
Grocery budget
What’s a reasonable weekly grocery budget for two adults? DH and I eat dinner at home 4-5 days a week, pack lunches 5 days a week, but never seem to have enough food in the house. We budget $125 per week, but once you add in a $15 bottle of wine a week and $12 of coffee, we’re looking at $100 for food itself. I think we need to up our grocery spending, but DH is really resistant. Admittedly, I’m pretty resistant to buying canned veggies or frozen prepared meals, which are more budget friendly. I guess wine could come out of a different budget category.
BB
We’re at $200-$250 for two people. It’s closer to 200 when we don’t get pre-prepped things like pre-cut fruit for convenience. I also don’t bargain shop for food, and will buy whatever I need to buy at whatever price it’s at in the store. Doesn’t include wine.
Anon in NYC
In weeks where I bring lunch 5x/week, and we eat at home 4-6x/week, my husband and I spend about this much (2 adults and a toddler). It seems sort of obscene to me, but we do often buy convenience items – pre-prepped veggies/salad mixes, pre-made cold brew, and other assorted beverages like kombucha, all of which adds up. And I almost never buy frozen meals for us (although will buy Amy’s burritos and the like for our kid). Our kid gets almost 100% food from home, too.
Legally Brunette
We’re about $175 – $225 a week on groceries for family of four, and we only shop at Whole Foods (mostly all organic). We’re also vegetarian so we save a lot of money that way. I think the OP’s budget is low.
Ellen
I think I am on the high side here. I spend between$450- 500 every week on food and incientals, Dad says, b/c I buy only prepared foods from Whole Foods and Fairways, order in from Seamless, and then go out to eat a lot. All of this adds up too he says. I do NOT however pay my cleaning lady to do more then clean. She does NOT go shopping for food for me, does NOT cook any meals, and does NOT prepare any kind of sammiches for me to take with me to work. That saves me some money b/c all she does is to clean my apartment, wash my laundry, shop for cleaning stuff and toilet paper / soap items, and collect my mail and packages from the doorman downstairs. I take care of everything else! YAY!
Anonymous
We send approx $200 weekly for two adults (we have a baby but she’s not on solid food). We both work from home so we eat all meals at home , except we usually have one dinner and one brunch out per week. We don’t drink alcohol or coffee and we buy things like diapers from Target so this is pretty much just food. I think you need to up your grocery budget.
Anonymous
What food are you missing? I don’t think it makes sense to just arbitrarily up your budget. Make a plan for what you need for the week. Buy those things.
Green Hat
That seems very low to me for homemade lunch and dinner most nights, but it really depends on how tight your budget is. I could absolutely come up with a meal plan for that number of days that works within that budget, but it would involve a lot of beans, lentils, rice, eggs, and sale produce or frozen veggies. If you are not trying to pinch pennies, I would up it to at least $150 for food alone.
Housecounsel
I agree that $100 is very low . . . and I would be really annoyed if my husband fought me on grocery spending.
Anonymous
Me too. Maybe I have childhood poverty issues but I would react very poorly to someone restricting the food that is in the house, or making me feel guilty about being able to prepare reasonable meals at home.
Cookie
Agree that it sounds pretty low for the number of meals you all are cooking. If your husband is reluctant to spend more on food, you may want to switch to more vegetarian meals, which tend to be cheaper. We have several legume based dishes in our rotation that are family favorites, such as red lentil daal with spinach, chickpea and cauliflower tacos, and greek chickpea salad.
Anonymous
Is DH happy going hungry?
IHHtown
Look at it as 60 to 70 per person for a week’s worth of food. That seems very reasonable. And yes, I think splurges like wine and expensive coffee should be in a different category if it bothers you to up your food budget $40 for it. Or just raise your food budget. I think your spend is very reasonable.
Lana Del Raygun
Frozen prepared meals are budget friendly?
This depends so much on where you shop — I think we spend about that at Aldi, but if we shopped at the yuppie Safeway at the more gentrified end of town (still walking distance!), it would be a lot more. I’m pretty happy with frozen veggies (especially since I love peas but no one around here has time to shuck them, good grief), which makes a big difference vs fresh but imo is better than canned.
Also we have a special alcohol line in our budget called “Pickin’ Up Good Libations.”
Anonymous
Frozen prepared meals are much cheaper than actually cooking. Even the most budget-friendly home-cooked dinner costs me a minimum of $15 to make. Add in some fresh produce and you get to $25 pretty quickly.
Anonymous
I’m a little confused on how a home-cooked dinner costs you $15 to make, or even $25, unless you are cooking expensive cuts of beef or fish every night. Most of the dinners I make DH and I are $8-10 at MOST, so usually its $3-4 per person per dinner. We eat a ton of chicken, rice (so cheap! especially if you buy a huge bag and store in a big bin), and then a frozen vegetable ($1-2 at Walmart). We may eat pretty plain but we don’t go hungry.
Anonymous
Here is one of my recipes from the budget meals section of Cooking Light, with estimated cost:
Whole-wheat penne: $1.50
Large box chopped tomatoes: $3.00
Bag preshredded mozzarella cheese: $2.75
1 lb ground chicken: $4
8-oz box chicken broth: $1
Bag baby spinach: $3
Frozen garlic bread: $2.25
Total: $17.50
This makes four small servings, so you could maybe have leftovers for the next day’s lunch depending on the size of your appetites.
Anonymous
I think that the OP and her husband need to have a discussion about their priorities – they can eat like the poster at 10:44 – very basic but healthy meals, or they can cook more elaborate meals. They likely will spend less on the former and more on the latter. If a normal meal for you includes something like shrimp and organic veggies, then your budget is not going to work. If you’re buying a bulk pack of chicken thighs and cooking them every night with a plain starch and a steam bag of veggies from Wal-Mart, yeah, you can totally work within your budget.
Anonymous
Wherever you are shopping Anon at 10:56, I want to shop there too – you can seriously buy frozen garlic bread for $2.25 and a pound of ground chicken for $4? Both those would be double at my grocery store (Publix).
Anonymous
A bag of shredded cheese at my grocery store is like $7!!
Anon at 10:56
Some of that is from Wal-Mart. The point I am trying to make is that even with cheap groceries there is just no way to cook dinner for $8.
Anonymous
Buying all the ingredients for a home-cooked dinner can easily be $20-25 but then you have leftover ingredients. So yeah if you’re eating one dinner per week at home, a pre-prepared meal will be more economical. If you’re eating 4-5 dinners at home there’s no way a frozen dinner is going to be cheaper.
Anonymous
The USDA budget for two adults is $113.70 per week on the “low-cost” plan, $141.00 on the “moderate-cost” plan, and $176.50 on the “liberal” plan. This includes all meals at home but not alcohol (and presumably excludes fancy coffee too). Unless you are on a really tight budget in general, I’d say you’re not budgeting quite enough for food.
Elegant Giraffe
Just for more data – We spend about $100 per week on groceries. We eat breakfast at home, pack lunch 4 – 5 days of the week, and eat dinner at home 4 – 5 nights as well. We are really careful meal planners though and rarely, rarely throw away food. We both have fairly flexible schedules and can spend a lot of time on meal prep (like we buy whole carrots and chop them rather than buying pre-chopped ones that are more expensive). We love to cook; it’s not a chore. We also really only drink water (personal preference) so there’s no additional costs for cokes, etc. I’m sure we are at the very low end of the spectrum for two high-earning DINKs.
Anonymous
+1. We spend $100/week for 2 kids plus toddler, but our budget is $125. We do not include wine in this budget. We don’t eat meat every day, I do a lot of soups/chilis (with ground turkey which is cheaper than ground beef), and I don’t buy pre-cut anything. Also I live in the DC area so food is more expensive I think. We don’t buy much organic except for organic milk/eggs (cause – toddler).
Violette
We’re the same – about $100 per week on groceries for me and my husband. This does not include either coffee or wine, I have a separate line in the budget for each of those. But seconded the very careful meal planning and never paying for pre-prepped ingredients. I make weekly spreadsheets for our meals, and very little goes to waste. I’ve noticed our grocery bill creeps up during weeks I need to plan for convenience (ravioli, pre-chopped onions, etc.) if we’re busier than usual.
anon a mouse
What do you like to eat? If you are eating meat and vegetables at every meal, then it’s probably too low. If you do a combination that includes soup/pasta/sandwiches at some meals, you can probably make it work but you’ll need to plan better. You’ll spend more if you prefer organic.
Can you think of it as a monthly spend and buy in bigger quantity, if you have freezer space? We spend about $700 a month for 2 of us plus a toddler who doesn’t eat much (eats a lot at daycare, only really at home on the weekends). We do a Costco run for about $300 of that once a month — that’s meat for the month, plus large bags of frozen vegetables, plus some fresh fruits/veggies, plus beans and broths and dairy (milk/yogurt/cheese). Then we spend maybe $50-75 a week on other fill-in items at Trader Joe’s and our regular stores for lunches and ingredients to round out our meals. We eat 95% of our meals at home and I plan them in advance.
Anon
We live in the Bay Area and spend about $200 per week for 2 adults, but could definitely knock off maybe a 100 from that total if we were more careful. We sometimes throw out food from poor planning.
Anon
Should add that we buy almost 100% organic – the exception is some frozen stuff from Trader Joe’s. Organic is important to me so unlikely to cut on that front.
Lana Del Raygun
The fresh produce waste kills me! :( :( :(
JuniorMinion
This is how I became an almost exclusively frozen vegetable eater.
CPA Lady
We’ve been spending an average of $150 a week on groceries this year (me, DH, and 3 year old, but DH is out of town a lot). This $150 is including alcohol and paper products like paper towels and toilet paper. Last year we were spending more (avg. $180 per week), but I was doing a lot of impulse and mindless “I’ll just run in for one thing but actually come out with five” mid-week shopping. We eat a mix of packaged food, fresh food, and “convenience” fresh food like pre-made salads and pre-cut fruit, and don’t eat red meat at home, which saves a ton of money.
$100 seems pretty low to me, especially if it includes paper products or anything like that.
Anonymous
I recognize this is a large grocery budget, but we spend close to $225-250 per week on groceries for 2 adults and one toddler. We eat almost all our meals at home. My husband and I enjoy cooking and enjoy good food, so we make pretty elaborate meals several times a week. We also host dinner parties almost every weekend and often take food to friends and family. The budget also includes an occasional bottle of wine and paper goods and cleaning supplies because I’m too lazy to look at receipts and divide them out.
Another anon
The underlying question seems to be why is your husband resistant to your obvious preference for spending more on groceries?
If it’s because your budget is really tight overall, then yeah maybe it’s time to add more pasta, rice, beans, etc. into your meal plan. But if he’s just pushing back on you arbitrarily when you can easily afford to spend more on groceries, then he’s the one who needs to compromise here and his resistance may be an indicator of other things.
Torin
If you’re on a budget that tight, $15 for wine is way too much. Switch the $15 bottle to a $15 box, at a minimum. Boxed wine is not going to taste gourmet, but it’s really actually pretty decent, and if you’re on a budget you can’t afford to be buying $15 bottles.
There may be less wiggle room on the coffee. $12 is not unreasonable for a pound. You could possibly switch to a cheaper brand but it may be undrinkably bad if you go much cheaper.
Lana Del Raygun
+1 for boxed wine, which has gotten really good these days :)
Horse Crazy
Yes! I can’t drink it because I get migraines, but my SO loves Bota Boxes!
Anonymous
For reference, we are a family of three (me, DH, 12yo son who is growing like crazy and kind of becoming an eating machine). We eat dinner out once a week and cook the other six meals, pack lunches for everyone in the family all 5 days of the week, and make weekend lunches at home. We spend $650 a month on food and I don’t know how we could spend less and still do the same level of at-home eating. We buy organic 90% of the time, which is more expensive. But making sure everyone’s breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks are covered takes some money (which I feel is still less expensive than eating out, not to mention being healthier).
Anonymous
Oh, and our $650 per month for groceries includes coffee but not alcohol, but we are not big drinkers and so that may run another $50 a month max.
Anonymous
I don’t know where you live and prices at the grocery store, but will share what worked for us in getting a handle on our grocery bill.
On Sunday evening – we plan a menu for the week, based on known activities and that ensures we buy only what is needed for the week. Otherwise, we fell into the trap of picking things up haphazardly and then forgetting about it.
It takes some work for it to become a habit – but we eat well, are not throwing unused things away, and our household budget is in line.
And have your husband go with you for the shopping – he may not realize how much things are too.
Elegant Giraffe
great idea to involve the husband in the shopping – does he actually know what a gallon of milk costs?
Anonymous
This backfires on me. When my husband comes shopping he freaks out about the prices of individual items and then wants to stop buying them altogether. Or yells at our kid when she doesn’t clean her plate because “You are literally throwing fifty cents into the garbage!”
Anonymous
I am now really, really grateful I didn’t marry a man who will yell at a child for throwing “fifty cents worth of food” into the garbage. I don’t know if your husband has anger issues or is just taking frugality way, way too far. But please don’t allow your husband to do this to your child(ren). It will cause them emotional problems later in life. Does he understand that forcing kids to clean their plates can cause all kinds of eating disorders?
Anonymous
I have always paid a lot of attention to the costs of groceries. I paid for a lot of the groceries when I was in high school, and it just killed me when my siblings would just fill up their cereal bowl with milk, eat the cereal, and then dump all the milk down the drain. I feel sick thinking about it even now.
HOWEVER this is no way to live. It really helped me to see what percentage of their income my grandparents’ generation spent on groceries. I would have to try to spend as much money on food as was necessary back then. American groceries are just incredibly cheap right now. All these husbands need to get some perspective.
anon
We spend $300-400/week for two adults and two teens. We eat nearly all meals at home, though husband does often buy lunch at work. But we buy more wine than you do, and don’t make any serious effort to eat inexpensively (i.e. we routinely buy organic meat, specialty cheeses, and other luxury items). Also, the kids eat a ton; definitely more than the average adult. So . . . I’d say your budget is on the low side, but doable if you’re willing to economize.
Anonymous
Why the reluctance to switch up your categories? Like, if you’re buying the wine no matter what, who cares if that $15 comes from groceries or another category? That’s weird.
bballlaw14
My husband and I live in the Midwest and only spend $300 a month on groceries. This does not include wine but does include coffee. We mostly shop at Aldi but we make what our extended family considers elaborate meals most days. We bring lunch to work around 4 times per week (sometimes husband’s work pays for meals on the road) and eat dinner out maybe twice per month.
Linda from HR
This looks nice, I like the deeper colors and the price is good, but alas, it’s dry clean only. I’m trying to stick to work clothes I can wash at home.
Anonymous
I own four of these dresses and love them! But I don’t dry clean — I wash them on gentle, hang to dry, then tumble for a couple of minutes with a dryer sheet just to smooth them out. They do fine in the wash.
Small Pockets of Time
My new boss is a big fan of meetings. So many meetings where information is relayed or received, and my work begins after the meeting is finished. I’m hopeful that the meetings will slow when she gets up to speed, but she’s been on the job for 7 months, so perhaps not. The result is often a day with 15-45 minute chunks of time to do substantive work (in house attorney) like drafting agreements, reviewing settlements, etc. Any tips to tackling the actual work in these small windows? I find myself not willing to dig in when I only have 15 -30 minutes, but those chunks are frequently all I have these days.
Anonymous
Block out working hours on your calendar if you’re overwhelmed by meetings. Then at least you’ll have some solid, continuous worktime.
Anonymous
+1 – put your worktime on your calendar as a meeting/appointment. I also do that to remind me what I’ve done today, or schedule what priorities I want to work on today/tomorrow.
Cat
Block out time on your calendar if you can.
I agree with you that it’s hard to get in the groove and focus in short bursts. When I have a day like that, let’s say I’m marking up an agreement, I’ll highlight where I was interrupted and what I was in the midst of doing (like — “hey you were comparing the indemnities against precedent and checking them against insurance and liability”) so that I can get back in my train of thought as easily as possible later.
Erin
That’s a good suggestion. I leave things open (any my computer locked), so that when I return and log-in, I’m immediately facing what I left off. I’m going to add notes! I also open up all the emails that need replies, so that I can knock them down throughout the day without forgetting a response.
It is hard. Ditto others to block out space on your calendar. I will mark out time for a specific task that I know will be short on timeline.
Ms B
Importantly, the pick of the day also comes in petite. I cannot recommend it highly enough; it fits this cusp size petite hourglass perfectly and most seasons it comes with at least one and maybe two jacket options.
Yeah, it’s poly, but for under $60 on sale, what do you expect? At least it packs great . . .
Anonymous
How does it work with hips? Is it a truly straight sheath, or is there some awareness of the potential for curves?
Anonymous
The dress definitely curves, but note that the waist (and so the curve) definitely is on the higher side. I am short waisted, so it is perfect for me, but YMMV.
Anonymous
I need to do an intensive br@ overhaul and try some new styles and brands because it feels like nothing is fitting right. I’m also a size that isn’t usually carried in brick and mortar stores (and that highly recommended calculator says my actual size hasn’t changed). What sites have the best selection and shipping/return policies?
Anonymous
I would go to a professional bra fitting place, learn what size I am, and then search for that size and brand on Amazon, Ebay, etc. I have a large cup size, and I can’t afford $70 per bra in a boutique, so I usually find them online for half price.
Ouch! That Hurts
Her Room dot com. Amazing place. Has quizzes for types/styles, great search functions, and shows each item on a mannequin with different necklines.
Customer for years. now cannot wear underwires … lifesaver with their stuff.
pugsnbourbon
Thanks for this rec. Haven’t shopped for bras in a few years and looking to get away from underwires as much as I can.
Annony
Most bra stores have their own sizing system so I actually recommend you get sized at each store (i.e. Nordstrom, Macys, etc.) to figure out your fit rather than generalizing.
mascot
I’ve had good luck with Nordstrom and HerRoom.
Anon
Amazon is amazing. Lots of European brands on Prime or on Prime Wardrobe. I also like going to Nordstrom and try on a bunch, then buy on Amazon because they are always cheaper.
Anonymous
I have huge tatas and Amazon has a surprisingly good selection plus it’s super easy to return. Make sure you buy from Amazon itself though and not a third party.
Anonymous
Rigby & Peller was great for me. I also have a really hard size to find.
Marshmallow
I’ve had really good luck with ThirdLove. Their tee shirt bra is the only underwire I want to wear anymore (alas, at their prices I can’t afford to replace ALL my other bras yet).
LAJen
Asos actually is awesome for this–they carry the hard to fit bands I need (small band size, ridiculously large cup size) and they have free shipping and return shipping. Figleaves is even better with selection of hard to fit sizes, but you have to pay return shipping. I find that UK companies have far better size ranges than US stores, including Amazon and Nordstrom.
Registry
Has anyone else felt uncomfortable doing a baby or wedding registry (or having a shower thrown for you)? I always buy things from them for other people and never think twice about it — in fact, I like knowing what the person actually wants/needs — but for some reason I’m really uncomfortable making one. It feels like asking people to buy me things I’m perfectly capable of buying myself, and I feel bad about it. Talk me down please.
Housecounsel
I can’t talk you down. I registered for wedding gifts – I think that is traditional enough that nobody questions it – but never registered for baby gifts with any of my three children. It was nobody else’s job to buy me a stroller or onesies or a car seat; it was mine and I gladly accepted it. If someone wanted to send something special to mark the baby’s arrival, it was very much appreciated, but registering for baby basics just seemed wrong to me.
Lana Del Raygun
Yes! I totally relate to this. One thing that made it way less awkward for me with the wedding registry is that I never, ever, ever told anyone about it who didn’t ask me directly. (I was also spurred on by warnings that if I didn’t make a registry, people would assume I only wanted cash, which makes me even more uncomfortable, lol.) At least for weddings, people really do want to give you presents, though. Especially if you’re getting married “young” (whatever that means in your circle) they want to feel like they’re helping you set up a household!
If someone wants to throw you a shower you can ask for a themed shower, like everyone gives you their favorite recipe or their favorite baby book or whatever, so it’s more personal and something you can’t buy for yourself in the same sense. (The problem is that some of your friends may have terrible taste in baby books so think about whether you’d feel guilty scrapping some of them later.)
AIMS
I’m so uncomfortable with them that I have managed to successfully avoid ever making one! But I fully think that is totally irrational and a “me” issue and has a lot to do with how I was raised, etc. The outcome of not doing one is people will ask you in person what you want, which actually may be ever more uncomfortable and you may get multiples of stuff or stuff you don’t want (which is less of an issue for me because I can usually return, regift or repurpose but it can be annoying for some).
Just do it! Have a friend who’s recently done one help. Pick an assortment of price ranges, make it relatively small and/or general, if you prefer (like if you aren’t a registry person, don’t register for some of the more awkward things I’ve seen on baby registries) but just do it so that people can have some idea of what you like, need and already have.
Lana Del Raygun
“people will ask you in person what you want, which actually may be ever more uncomfortable”
Oh no, I did a full-body shudder just thinking about this.
AIMS
True story. “Do you want me to buy you a stroller?” is a lovely thought but a super awkward question to answer!
Anonymous
Is it really that awkward though? “That’s so kind of you to think of us, but we already have a stroller.” If they really want to give you a gift they can follow up with “What do you need?” or send something like books/clothes that everyone can use more of. If they were just asking to be polite, they can drop it.
AIMS
It’s a little awkward because these things can really vary in price. So someone may want to buy you a stroller but think the stroller you want is too expensive, let’s say. It’s much easier if someone can look at your registry, decide what they want to spend and buy something accordingly. This is not much of an issue with people who are just looking to buy you a little baby present, then you can always say, “oh, we don’t really need anything but if you insist, we are trying to create a little library for baby so books are always great!” But for closer friends/family who want to buy something more significant it can be if you’re not so close as to be able to comfortably discuss these things.
Elegant Giraffe
I was uncomfortable with a wedding registry. We requested no gifts. Most people abided. Some people gave us cash. Don’t make a registry if you don’t want to. My MIL’s friends wanted to host a shower for me which I was uncomfortable with but didn’t feel like I could say no to. I requested low-key and no gifts; it was fine.
Anonymous
Just get over it and do it it’s fine you know it’s fine. Don’t make all of us stroke your ego that you’re really lovely to be so unselfish yawn just do it.
Linda from HR
Rude.
Anonymous
+1!
Seriously, just get over it and do it. It’s a normal, expected part of participating in society. If you’re truly that uncomfortable about making a registry, I think you need more help than you can get from an internet message board.
Anonymous
I was very uncomfortable with registries and gifts for our wedding, which almost everyone had to travel to in order to attend. We did a “no gifts” wedding. We did not register, and I had no showers. About 50% of people gave us gifts (often cash or gift cards to home stores). We got some good knifes and a kitchen aid mixer, etc. It was fine. We only got one or two “odd” gifts.
For our first baby, we did not have any baby stuff. People get really excited (in my experience) about coming around a couple having a baby. The gifts on baby registries typically range from $2 to $200, and so, people can give what they feel most comfortable giving. Our families and friends would have given us gifts regardless, and a registry helped us get the things that we “needed.”
Same here
+1
this is what we did — we didn’t register, and when asked said no gifts, since we were consolidating households and had so much stuff already. We got some money, some gift cards, and some very nice household items.
I did register for our (only) baby, but kept it very minimal. And mostly used it as a way of keeping track of things I needed to get so I could get a registry discount.
CPA Lady
1. Do it so you don’t end up with 47 of the same things that will be a gigantic hassle to return when you are post-partum exhausted.
2. Do it so you get a discount on stuff that you end up buying yourself. I registered on amazon and ended up getting some kind of additional percent off on the stuff that I bought myself at the end after my baby shower. I think pretty much all of the traditional baby registry places do this. So even if you hardly end up having people buy stuff of your registry, you can still save yourself some money.
3. Do it for the convenience of people who love you and want you to be happy and want to celebrate with you.
Anonymous
Your third point is the most important, I think. Stop making this about you, OP.
KateMiddletown
+1 The discount alone is totally worth it. Our neighbor just had her 4th and bought all 4 kids new carseats using the registry discount. You don’t have to advertise anything, but people WILL search for your registry (count on it).
Anonymous
I never registered for the baby. I’m Jewish and baby showers/registries aren’t traditional, although it’s becoming more common with my generation I think. Also my wedding registry is still searchable online 8 years later, which is annoying and embarrassing and I didn’t want the same thing to happen with the baby (I know there are options for private registries but nothing online is ever really private).
Lots of friends asked what we wanted and we told people we didn’t need anything but if they wanted to get us something we would love a copy of their favorite children’s book. We ended up with several copies of classics like The Very Hungry Caterpillar but babies chew, so I don’t think it’s a big deal. We can also just donate them to a library if they’re still in good condition when our kid is too old for them.
I think if you’re having a shower you probably need to register though. I would be uncomfortable going to a shower and not knowing what to buy.
Anonymous
What is embarrassing about having a wedding registry visible 8 years later? So someone googles you, learned you got married and see what presents hadn’t been purchased? I could see not liking the reminder if you were divorced but I don’t see what’s embarrassing about seeing a snapshot of your life 8 years ago.
Anonymous
I don’t find it embarrassing on a personal level but I don’t like that it’s in the first page of hits when you google me. A list of desired household items (including things like bedding) feels fairly personal to me and it just seems unprofessional for work contacts to see such personal info. Also we registered for some really expensive things (like $500…). We got some of them as group gifts which was totally what we intended but now I feel that it was slightly tacky to register for such big gifts.
I dunno… maybe I’m a weirdly private person but I just don’t like having this info out there in the world. I have a unique name and probably wouldn’t care so much if I were Jane Smith and this was buried on page 7 of my Google results but having it front and center feels awkward.
Anonymous
Why not disable/remove your registry? Depending on the site you may have to contact customer service, but it’s doable.
lawsuited
I sort of see registries as a necessary evil. If you are getting married or having a baby, you cannot stop people from buying you gifts. If I could have successfully stopped people from buying me stuff by saying “no gifts please”, I would never have registered, but that doesn’t work. Further complicating things, I am particular about what I like and clutter gives me low grade anxiety and sometimes panic attacks, so I don’t keep things just because someone I love has given it to me. I usually donate unwanted gifts as a solution to this, but it hurts the gifter’s feelings. I don’t see registries as a way to get what I want ( – I want no gifts.) I see a registries as a way for gifters to get what they want – a gift that I will keep and use/enjoy.
Anonymous
If you really don’t want to register for anything, don’t. I refuse to buy into the idea that it’s in some way incumbent upon you. People existed in a state of social peace before registries and I’m sure we will continue to do so after this obsession with them finally goes away.
I did a travel registry, which I know many folks around here think is tacky. My thinking was: I do not want any thing. No. things. please. Our house is full already. Do not buy us things! So if folks are going to insist on spending money on us, they might as well give us something we will enjoy. We also told people coming from out of town to really truly please not feel obligated.
Linda from HR
There’s a lot of commentary these days about how registries are tacky, a registry is a list of demands, people who register for gifts are expecting others to set up their home when they’re adults and should be able to do it themselves, etc., and while I get feeling sick of feeling like you have to buy whole bunch of crap every time someone gets married or pops out a kid, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a registry. To me it’s similar to the wish lists you’d make for Christmas when you were little.
Think of it this way: a registry is there for the people who want to give gifts. There are people who like buying gifts, and there are people who are told “please no gifts” but would still feel guilty attending a shower empty-handed and will insist on bringing something wrapped in pastel paper, a registry is a way to guide them towards things you’ll actually appreciate and use. If it’ll make you feel better, don’t register for a lot of things, and only send the registry information to people who ask for it (or if someone’s throwing you a shower, give the info to them s they can distribute it to people who ask).
We all approach gifts a little differently. My sister, for example, refuses to make a list for Christmas because she wants thoughtful gifts. I have no problem prepping my list in early November so I have something to send my mom when she bugs me about it around Thanksgiving. And I like having some ideas for people when it’s time to buy gifts for someone. Sure, sometimes I know just the thing, but most of the time I’m texting my mom “any ideas for Dad?” and vice versa, because if I’m dropping $20+ on a present for someone, I want it to be something they’ll use and enjoy!
Bluestocking
If you don’t want to register, don’t. We didn’t register for our wedding and told people no gifts. A few people gave us cash or personalized gifts, and a lot of people didn’t give us anything. I was pretty happy with that. That being said, maybe our crowd was more accepting of no gifts because we were older (late 30s, mid 40s), it was a second marriage for both of us, the wedding was pretty small and a lot of people had to travel to get there.
anon
I have a problem with my boss: She is a gossip, and doesn’t even attempt to hide it from the people who report to her. I’m her only direct report, and I lead a team of four. When our entire group meets together, she derails every meeting with gossip — mostly about other senior leaders — and just not being at all mindful about what the communicates to the rest of us. Not to mention we’re in an open-concept office, so it’s not just our team that can hear this stuff! I have tried redirecting conversations, and then she gets upset with me for “cutting her off.” I also move our meetings into a conference room whenever possible to manage the fallout and prevent others from hearing her.
An example from this morning:
Senior manager: Ugh, Other Senior Manager really needs to retire.
My direct report: Oh, is he planning to do that soon?
Senior manager: No, I’m just saying he SHOULD. He just doesn’t have what it takes for the job.
She’s not a good boss for many reasons, but this aspect of her style bothers me the most: just the complete lack of care and consideration for what her words communicate to the people who work for her. She’s not doing it out of malice, but out of bad judgment/social skills. Nevertheless, the effect is the same.
How do I handle this, as the person stuck in the middle? I’m most interested in minimizing her impact on the people I supervise. So, fewer meeting that she’s involved in might help. I can guarantee that any conversation with her is probably not going to change anything, as she’s also a person who never, ever accepts blame or can admit she’s wrong. And she’s already gotten mad at me several times when I try to redirect or refocus a conversation.
Anon
If my mom worked I would assume she was your boss. She’s one of those super negative people who’s constantly gossiping and trash talking everyone (including my siblings) to me. What works for me is just sort of clamming up when she starts to go off on one of these negative tangents. I either don’t respond, or make the bare minimum noncommittal grunt-type responses and wait for an opportunity to change the subject. May be passive aggressive, but it works and it makes it hard for her to get angry at me for shutting her down. Good luck – this is so frustrating.
Anonymous
I agree. Let her say what she is going to say, don’t engage on that point, and immediately change the subject to whatever it was you needed to talk about.
Calico
Has anyone taken the Enneagram personality test? Is it more useful than the Meyers Briggs?
Lana Del Raygun
They’re both bunk, scientifically, so it doesn’t really matter.
Anonymous
This is kind of like saying that “Dungeons and Dragons Alignment Charts” are scientifically bunk. They’re all just boxes for organizing observations into, right? Which is useful for some purposes and not for others.
Lana Del Raygun
Sure, but without a scientific basis for dividing the boxes from one another, you’re basically taking Sorting Hat and and “Which Of Jesus’s Apostles Are You?” quizzes. Which is not necessarily a bad thing (I’m a Hufflepuff and St. John, for the record), but there’s no real way to say that one is “more useful” than the other in general. I interpreted OP to be asking whether one will give her more genuine insight into her personality, and the answer to that is that it’s basically a crapshoot.
Anonymous
I guess that’s why I like the example of the D&D chart (the same person might be neutral/neutral or chaotic good or lawful evil depending on whether it’s at work or with their family or in their friend posse). I’m not sure what a legitimate personality science would even look like, since social relationships are something we create with each other. But I would still argue it tells me something genuine and potentially useful if someone is described to me as a “Hufflepuff.”
anon
I don’t think that either of them are particularly “useful,” but I found the Enneagram to be more accurate and much more interesting. It was spooky how on point the results were for me. Greater depth than MB.
Anonymous
Me too! What type did you get? I mentioned below that I’m 6w7 and it’s… disturbingly accurate. At first I was upset because of how on-point the flaws were, but I’ve come to terms with it. You can also look up how different types function in a relationship together, and I found that really accurate as well (my partner is definitely a 9).
anon
I’m actually evenly split between a 6 and a 1. Every time I do it, that’s what happens, and it totally makes sense for me. When I was younger I spent more time in 1 land (or, what I was doing with my life drew the 9 out more I suppose). The 6 shows up for me in more stressful parts of my life, and the description of disintegration is SO accurate. Can’t remember my wings.
One thing I like about it is learning about the types I’m not, and how little those ways of looking at the world resonate with me. But there are people who obviously interact with the world that way! Nothing is better or worse. It’s fascinating how different we all are and how differently we approach the world.
Anonymous
That makes sense! If you’re actually a 9w1, then the disintegration would totally fit and so would your identification with the 1 wing. I’ve also read that 9s have the most of all the different types in them.
Anonymous
I’ve found the Enneagram framework to be insanely insightful. It may not have any scientific backing, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a useful lens. Take the test, but just use the results as a guideline; read through multiple descriptions of each profile type and one will definitely resonate with the way you are. The rabbit hole goes deep. Let me know what you get!
I’m a 6w7. It really helped me understand myself and why I sometimes react the way I do.
givemyregards
I agree with both Lana Del Raygun and Anon @ 10:48 somehow. I don’t particularly “believe” in either, but I am a very self reflective person, so I’ve enjoyed musing over both tests. The enneagram in particular has spurred some really interesting conversations with my partner and I really like that they have descriptions for what the personality type is like when you’re growing/doing well, and what it’s like when you’re stressed/not doing well. It’s helped me realize when I’m doing “unhealthy 8” things (i.e. being a secretive weirdo) so I can pause and try to figure out what’s going on. So I would say if you’re interested, try it!
Cookbooks
+1 I know it’s not really valid scientifically, but it has been insightful. I think the enneagram gets more specific than Meyers Briggs. It’s interesting to get an idea of why I react the way I do, as well as how others react and useful ways to effectively communicate with them.
givemyregards
Particularly if you have a significant other, I think it’s helpful/interesting to know what their enneagram is, similar to knowing their “love language.” Just knowing the “basic fear” and “basic desire” associated with my partner’s type was a moment of “ohhhhhh, okay a lot of things make sense now.”
Calico
Thanks everyone! I’m going to give it a try.
C2
I’m an 8, and it’s eye-poppingly accurate in my case. I don’t think it’s the test that really makes any sort of difference, but if you have a good interpreter. Many years ago, a college administrator that was a mentor to a student group I was in was trained in enneagram and she broke our group down and lead several leadership development session in it, and it was helpful in that context. The most helpful, though, was the ability to go back to her with specific questions about how to handle relationships (both romantic partnerships and with colleagues).
There is research out there that most of these tests can accurately describe your traits but do not offer any indication of how you will react to a certain scenario or what decisions you will make in team settings. So, using them to determine if people will work well within a certain team, for example, may not yield any productive results.
Anonymous
I’m not surprised that they don’t work well for prediction, but I feel like they make *me* work better within teams, insofar as I can think “Chris is just that way and that’s how it is.”
Anon
I was on a trans-Atlantic flight yesterday and there were these two kids across from me who were out-of-control (running around the middle aisle, swinging on the arm rests, shouting and tackling each other, etc.). The parents tried to shush them and get them to calm down, but for all their efforts, the kids acted like they weren’t even there. Then the second the parents took out the iPad, they snapped to attention, got in their seats, and didn’t make a peep for five straight hours of cartoons. The power of the screen is truly disturbing.
BeenThatGuy
I’m not sure about your point here. Is the power of the screen disturbing? Yes. Does society still demand that our kids be seen and not heard (especially on airplanes)? Yes.
Anon
I don’t think that kids should be seen and not heard. There were plenty of other kids on the flight giggling, playing cards, coloring, and using electronic devices. The point was that the parents evidently were unable to guide their kids to appropriate behavior, despite the fact that they clearly wanted to, but the screen served as an instant opiate. I find that alarming and it’s clearly super common these days.
Anonymous
Says someone who clearly has never flown with kids before! I had a lot of judgment for parents’ using electronics to get their kids to behave until I had a kid of my own. I would also ask how much of that flight you spent on your own gadgets before casting the first stone.
this again?
Wah wah we get it, those of us without kids have useless opinions.
Anonymous
I don’t think OP has the right to care about or judge how the parents got the kids to sit down and be quiet. The only thing that should concern her is whether the kids were disturbing her, which they stopped doing.
Anonymous
Dude, caring about stuff is not a right. You cant grant it or take it away.
Anonymous
I would cut the parents some slack, as they were clearly trying to do the right thing. Since becoming a parent myself, I am convinced that with some kids there is only so much a parent can do. My daughter has always been wonderfully well-behaved in public, and although I’d like to give all the credit to my amazing parenting skills, I’m pretty sure that a lot of it is just her personality. If you have a defiant, rambunctious kid, there is only so much you can do to manage his behavior, and sometimes the best thing you can do for the people around you is to hand the kid a device to keep him quiet. I volunteer with my daughter’s Girl Scout troop, and there is one kid who is just selfish and purposefully naughty and no one, not even those of us with years of experience working with kids, can get her to behave more than 50% of the time. Sometimes we just have to sit her out away from the rest of the group, which you can’t exactly do on an airplane.
Anon
This. We don’t beat kids anymore. When the refuse to do what we tell them to do what next step do you expect the parents to take? If they physically restrained the kid and the kid screamed instead, would that be better or worse to you?
Never too many shoes...
I say a pre-emptive thank you, kind stranger, for your understanding. We are taking our special needs son for a long overdue visit to his grandparents in Ireland and the return flight is 7 hours during daytime. He is highly active and vocal and will only sit for ipad time for so long before he is compelled to run up and down a bit…
Anon
To me, honestly that would be better, but only in this specific instance where the child could literally cause a safety issue – running up and down the aisle of a plane in the air is very different than a noisy child.
No comment on not differentiating between beating children and appropriate measured corporal punishment. Must have been abused.
anon
When you’re traveling with kids, typical rules tend to fly out the window. They’re out of routine, and kids who are out of their routine may act rowdier than usual. Sometimes you have to break your own rules in order to keep the peace. I wouldn’t assume that the kids are addicted to screens. For all you know, they don’t get to use them much at home and they were a special “treat” for the plane.
I know you think this was just about the addictive power of screen time (which I agree is a real issue), but it also comes across as parent shame-y. Assume they’re doing the best they can.
Legally Brunette
+ 1 so true. My kids get zero screen time with the exception of twice a year or so when we fly. There are only so many books, puzzles, crayons you can haul on a long flight.
Anonymous
Not a parent, but I’ve spent a lot of time with other people’s kids. Just because it works with one set of kids, doesn’t mean it’s a failure of the parents because it didn’t work with other kids. Kids aren’t interchangeable. They have personalities and quirks and some of them like card games and reading and some are more rambunctious.
For all you know, the screen trick worked so well because the kids DON’T get to see it that often, because the parents save it for emergencies like this.
Anonymous
Yup. My kids are on transatlantic flights 2 – 3 times/year, and it is the only time they ever get screen time in more than 30 minute increments. You bet they sit there like zombies. That’s the point. They look forward to the flights for weeks.
Anonymous
This. My kids don’t have screen time during the week and limited amounts on weekends. They are counting down the days til our flight at the end of the month because they know it’s unlimited screen time on airplanes as long as they behave.
Also – sometimes screen time is not just videos – puzzles and memory games were the favorite of my three year old – try playing memory with physical cards or taking out a puzzle on a airplane seat tray – a messy disaster.
Anonymous
I would argue it’s equally disturbing how powerful it is for the rest of us, too!
anon
Right!? The irony of someone getting on their computer and coming to the internet to complain about how kids like playing on an ipad. Its like when people post memes on facebook about how sad it is when parents look at their phones. Uh, you had to look at your phone to post that, Karen.
Anon
I 100% agree. I have some anxiety issues and scrolling on the internet at work is my xanax. I don’t know if it is more or less healthy. It is what it is.
pugsnbourbon
+2 you do what you gotta do. If I have to distract myself with instagram to keep a panic attack at bay, I will do that.
Anon
Oh, I do totally agree (I’m the OP) – I am constantly working to try to curtail my electronics usage. The time I spend each day checking my phone compulsively is just as disturbing. I spend a lot of time thinking about how best to manage my usage and our family usage and there is no doubt that it’s challenging, but I do think it’s important.
lawsuited
I think that the parents in your story must think curtailing screen time is important too, or those kids would have had iPads in their hands from take-off onwards instead of as a last resort only.
AKB
Most people watch something during flights. Your post is dripping with judgement. Mind your own.
Anon
My post is not about judgment – it’s about screentime. I acknowledged the parents were trying and I empathize with how hard it is. Don’t take every post personally.
AKB
LOL – mmmkay. That’s what’s happening here.
mascot
Upon re-reading, I see that you are on team parent here and your post wasn’t a tirade against parents trying their darndest. And yeah, it’s a little frightening how all of us are seduced so easily by screens. As a parent, I don’t know what the answer is. We try to moderate exposure for our family when we can and save it for times that it is really useful like travel. I also think that maybe we take kids more places now that aren’t as kid friendly because we know that we can use this magical singing box to keep them entertained. The flip side of that is that we aren’t as tolerant of kids doing normal kid things. For several years, my high energy kid had no interest in coloring and didn’t yet know how to read or play games so screens were such a help for trips.
Lana Del Raygun
“The flip side of that is that we aren’t as tolerant of kids doing normal kid things.”
Yeah, I think this is a big issue. It’s partly the magical singing box and partly that if you don’t hang out with kids a lot it’s hard to have a sense of what level of “behaving” is developmentally appropriate. Heck, I hang out with kids as much as I possibly can and I still sometimes say “Can’t you just ___?” and get a “No, she literally can’t, actually” from my sister who’s actually studied child development.
So as more and more people delay childbearing, grow up in smaller families, live in one-generation households, move away from extended family, etc we get more people who honestly don’t know what to expect from children.
lawsuited
+1 When I was a kid, my family very seldom went to restaurants. Now having eaten in a restaurant with my LO, I know why. And I know why I see so many kids in restaurants on phones and tablets. Spending 1.5-2 hours solely waiting for and eating a meal is just not kid-friendly.
Anonymous
So thankful for screens. I could care less about your brat’s development or whether he develops into an odd or dumb person. I do care that he is quiet and behaves like a human when near me so if a screen does that, great.
anon
See, I do care whether someone’s kid develops into a dumb or odd person, because that’s how we get internet tr0lls, and other types of maladjusted people who are rude for no reason. SIGH.
Lana Del Raygun
I care that children behave like humans; I just recognize that young humans gonna behave like young humans.
Anonymous
No one wants to deal with kids even if they like adults just fine. No one cares why they’re crying or won’t stop talking on an otherwise quiet plane. I’m not thinking about whether you should’ve sent them FedEx or stayed home — I don’t want to hear or smell them.
Anonymous
Lol, 1/4 of the population is children. How on earth is this attitude workable for you?
Lana Del Raygun
Then I suggest becoming a recluse, because children and families do not owe it to you to hide themselves away. If you don’t like children, that’s your problem, and avoiding them is your solution.
Anonymous
I travel frequently, and in my experience adult travelers tend to be noisier and smellier than kids. Adults are also more likely to invade my seat space. The only time I have ever been disturbed by a child traveling was the time I was sitting across the aisle from a toddler who was perfectly quiet until his parents started tickling him until he shrieked at the top of his lungs. So even that was really an adult problem, not a kid problem. Crying babies don’t even bother me because the engine noise pretty much drowns them out if you are more than one row away. And I have noise-cancelling headphones, which will cover up all manner of kid noises but do nothing about smelly adults who shove their shoulders and elbows into my seat.
JuniorMinion
I’m reminded of Nora Ephron’s account of flying on the eastern shuttle with a child…
Lana Del Raygun
@ Anon 3:10 Yeah, no child has ever filled my lungs with his cologne or chewing tobacco (true story, and yes, it’s legal), manspread a third of the way into my seat, or badgered me for my phone number.
Wait, maybe we should ban *men* from airplanes!
anon
You might find this article interesting.
https://www.thecut.com/2016/08/parents-on-planes-don-t-owe-you-a-bribe.html
“Stop thinking about what’s best for you and think about the 200 other people on the plane or the millions of people who are suffering in your country or the billions suffering abroad. Stop putting yourself at the center of some luxury-branded experience, in which you can and should deliver a verdict on the quality of service offered by every human around you, and start seeing yourself as part of the human race.”
Seventh Sister
I use screens liberally on airplanes because I can’t find tranquilizer darts that work on my children. ;) And while I never considered this before I had kids, it’s entirely possible that the kids had to travel several hours to the airport, then go through all the security stuff, then get on the darn plane.
My kids get plenty of screens, but a friend who doesn’t allow her kids to watch TV/sends them to Waldorf school/etc. lets all the rules fly out the window for air travel with excellent results (kids are dead silent watching the forbidden fruit).
I’m always a little puzzled when people take time out of their airplane trip to unreasonably crab about my kids to me. I try to keep them under control, but we’re also stuck in a tube and I’m practically deaf to their fighting and bickering at this point.
Lana Del Raygun
Yeah, it’s like, how else am I supposed to transport a child across the ocean? FedEx? At some point being a human means dealing with other humans. And kids are humans, dude.
LittleBigLaw
I’ve got two kids and didn’t read this as judgmental toward the parents at all. It IS crazy (& sometimes frustrating) how quickly and dramatically screens change kids’ demeanors. I’m incredibly thankful every time I turn on DT in the car on a long road trip but it does sometimes feel like I’ve just given my preschooler a sedative.
Kesha
So the kids were watching screens… you were watching the kids. Everyone was watching something during the flight! Don’t be so judgmental.
HSAL
I think there were a lot of overreactions and defensiveness in some of these responses. I saw the point you were trying to make and I don’t think it was judgy. Screens are crazy. I’m super glad we have them for times like this, but yeah, they get kids (and me!) in a way that other forms of entertainment just don’t.
NoVA Car Accident / PI Attorney Recs?
My dad was hit by a driver running a red light and his car is totaled. My dad maintains he is fine injury-wise, although I have told him he needs to go to the doc to get checked out regardless. Not surprisingly, the insurance payout for the totaled car is going to leave them short on buying a new car. Although they can afford to buy a new car in cash, they would obviously rather not have to pull from their own money when it wasn’t my dad’s fault. I told them to get with a lawyer to see if they should sue. I am far removed from that legal community, however, and am looking for recommendations please!
TLDR: I would appreciate any car accident/personal injury attorney recommendations in Northern VA.
anon
Bartoli Cain Wason in Old Town Alexandria.
Anonymous
I am not a lawyer or an insurance agent, but isn’t the proper compensation here the cost of replacing the car with an equivalent used one? Unless your parents lost a brand-new car, they are not entitled to have it replaced with a brand-new one. I don’t know how the damages would come out any differently in a settlement or trial, and then you’d have to pay the attorney.
Anonymous
It’s true that they’re not entitled to a brand new car, but often these reimbursements go off of the Kelly Bluebook value, which is frequently too low to actually buy a comparable car with (used or otherwise).
Anon
This was actually the subject of a Nobel prize in economics.
Basically, there’s an information asymmetry in the used car market: there might be small, hidden things wrong with the car, or things that someone would fix if they kept the vehicle. Since the seller knows this but the buyer does not, the buyer will discount the price to compensate for the risk. Therefore, people who have used cars in really good shape tend to not sell them: they wouldn’t get what they are worth.
You see this especially when someone puts a bunch of money into fixing their very used car right before someone totals the car in an accident. Obviously, if the person were going to sell the car, they would only fix what is necessary for the sale to happen (e.g., what is needed for the vehicle to pass inspection), but wouldn’t fix everything. But the “value” of the car doesn’t account for the fact that the person who doesn’t want to sell their car likely has a car in better shape than the person who decides to sell.
Anonymous
A Nobel Prize won by Mr. Janet Yellen! (That is, George Akerlof.)
OP
Certainly possible! It’s an area of the law/insurance that I have fortunately never had to deal with. I still don’t think it hurts for them to sit down for a consultation with an attorney.
FWIW, the car was not old.
Flats Only
We used James R. Kearney in Fairfax after my husband was hit by a drunk driver while sitting on his motorcycle at a red light. He was great.
Anonymous
In VA get a copy of the police report. ASAP. Having fault assigned clearly to the other party in it will make a ton of difference. VA is one of the rare contributory negligence states (so if you are both at fault, that matters, too).
OP
I saw that re: the contributory negligence. Thanks for the tip re: the police report!
OP
Thank you everyone!
Anonymous
Huh, I would never assume that I’d get out of a car accident, even one that wasn’t my fault, without having costs associated. $h!t happens in life, and you’re not entitled to compensation for every single thing that happens to you.
Anonymous
And this is literally the reason why we purchase insurance policies?
Anon
Except in this circumstance, you are entitled to compensation, because someone wrecked your property.
Lana Del Raygun
Can you wear a cardigan over an untucked blouse that’s a couple (or several) inches longer than the cardigan, or does that look weird?
givemyregards
I think if they’re both at least hip length or longer it looks fine – I do this all the time with tunic length tops and boyfriend cardigans and I think it looks fine. But for typical cardigans and blouses that hit right at the top if your hip, I think it might look a bit odd.
AIMS
Paging Short Overalls from the other day: someone was looking for these and I just saw a cute pair at the Gap. 40% off today, too.
Transition Time
I don’t think there’s a magic bullet, but has anybody gotten good at efficiently transitioning from one task to another? I’m a Biglaw midlevel and I’m finding that while my days are just as long, my billables are creeping lower, and I think it’s because the makeup of my day is different now. As a junior working on trial prep I’d spend all day on a single task like depo prep or drafting. Now that I’m managing internal people, calling clients, AND doing many of the same review and drafting tasks I was as a junior, I seem to be bleeding billable time whenever I switch gears. And it’s harder to get involved and focus on any one task at a time.
The most obvious fix is blocking time for a particular task or matter so I don’t have to do a complete brain shift every time I get off the phone. I’m trying but that can be tough because so many of my calls and meetings are subject to others’ schedules.
Anonymous
I am at a similar point in my career in a different field and have the same issue. I have been trying to tackle the short-duration tasks in batches and also to be proactive about checking in with the people working for me so they don’t have to come interrupt me. With some of them I set up regular meetings to review their work in progress. They tend to save up their questions and issues for those meetings, they tend to make more progress when they know they have to have something to show me, and it’s nice to have dedicated blocks of time to brainstorm together about next steps. I have also been blocking time for serious work so people can’t set meetings then. I have also been known to let calls from certain clients roll to voice mail so I can get back to them when I have time and mental capacity to deal with them properly.
TO Lawyer
I make a to-do list on a post-it on days that I know are going to be like that. When I don’t, I find that I waste time thinking about what to do next. Having the list helps me avoid that wasted time. I also include very minor tasks, so I can switch to something as soon as I’m off the phone. Having little tasks on the list helps to fill in the gaps that are too short to get much substantive work done.
Also, if I am trying to get something more substantive done and it’s something that needs to be done on a short time frame, I will close my door and honestly not answer non-urgent client calls. I know its frowned upon but I always call them back all at once, I just find it disruptive to constantly answer the phone when it’s not that urgent or important.
TX-IHC
PSA re: washable comfy work pants (NOT an ad, just a friendly workwear rec!)
I bought 2 pairs of the JCrew Factory “drapey pull on pant” and I love them. Ended up wearing them to work all day Friday, on flights Friday and Saturday and all day Monday again so… great travel pant, doesn’t wrinkle, comfy, and non-binding.
TX-IHC
https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens-clothing/pants/relaxed/drapey-pullon-pant/G7528?color_name=rose-ash
Pompom
They are awesome! Co-sign this recc!
Anon
How do these run sizing wise? And are they a mid-rise?
TX-IHC
In most clothes I’m a 6 but at JCrew Factory, especially with their pants, I wear an 8 and it has the desired “looser” effect. And I would say mid to mid-high rise.
Anon
Thank you!
BelleRose
How do you know when you’ve found the “right” person to marry? My BF and I have been dating 2 1/2 years, and are definitely heading in that direction. But he’s also my first BF (I’m 25, he’s 26), so I don’t have anyone to compare him to. I love hanging out with him, he’s super sweet and amazingly supportive, we’re extremely compatible, and we have a lot of fun together. But the gardening is meh, and I don’t feel as intellectually stimulated around him the way I have in other family/friend relationships. Am I just having commitment anxiety and this is normal, or is there an essential spark that is missing? TIA!
Anonymous
Be very, very careful if you don’t both believe that you are intellectual equals. My husband has always been convinced that I am more intelligent than he is. I used to find this cute and endearing, but I also didn’t think it was actually true because he was well-read and we would have intellectually satisfying conversations. After several years it became a source of resentment on both sides–on his because he feels inferior, and on mine because I have to be constantly vigilant about using words he doesn’t know, appearing to think too fast, remembering random facts, doing math in my head, etc., just to avoid hurting his feelings.
Lana Del Raygun
Oh, yeah, good catch.
anon CPA
Same here. And watching an episode of Jeopardy with my husband (who I love dearly) is painful.
tesyaa
Friend has the same story and it was a major point of contention in their marriage (though certainly not the only one) and the marriage is now over.
anon
Huh. Are you really smarter than he is or do you just have different interests? People are smart in different ways.
Anonymous
This. DH thinks I’m smarter than him and is not bothered by it but it’s balanced by the fact that I think he’s smarter than me and I’m not bothered by that. We are smart in different areas – I’m a non-sciency lawyer and he’s a scientist.
Anon @ 12:41
It doesn’t matter whether I am actually more intelligent or whether we are intelligent in different ways. What matters is that he believes he is not as smart as I am, which causes defensive behavior on his part and self-censorship on my part. Neither of those things is good for a marriage.
Lana Del Raygun
I married my first boyfriend because we agreed on all the “big issues” (including which ones those were) and because I really really wanted to hang out with him for the rest of my life. (Maybe that’s what you mean by “spark”?) We’ve only been married for two years, so take that for what it’s worth.
But: you don’t sound very enthusiastic about marrying this guy! I don’t think anyone should marry someone they are not highly motivated to marry. Inertia is a bad reason to make a lifelong commitment.
Anonymous
I married my first boyfriend so I understand the “but I don’t have a point of comparison” issue. Ways I knew he was “the one”: sparks, lots of them and all the time; he’s super smart and intellectually curious; I always want his opinion on things and feel like something hasn’t really happened to me until I hash it out with him; he’s kind and generous with his time; our values about things like family, religion, and politics are generally aligned (although not identical). I think my husband and I both look at the other one as smarter than ourselves– me because he’s really into history and always learning new things, him because I’m a fast thinker and very analytical. You don’t have to be perfectly equal in all ways and at all skills, but you should genuinely look up to him in at least some areas and vice versa.
Anonymous
Also be careful that the gardening is meh. After 2.5 years it might not bother you that much, but that kind of thing can be tough after a while.
That said, I don’t think there really is such a thing as the “right” person. There may be lots of right people. I’m of the Dan Savage school of thought that there is no such thing as “the 1.” There’s the 0.67 that you round up to 1. And only you can answer that question. You’ve been dating for a while, but you’re young so if you do think you’re headed in that direction, I’d recommend a nice long engagement.
Violette
“I don’t feel as intellectually stimulated around him the way I have in other family/friend relationships.”
I felt this way about my college boyfriend, and in fact your entire description of your relationship with your BF is spot-on for how I would have described our relationship at the time. I convinced myself that intellectual stimulation was such a minor thing to end a relationship over, I was happy with him otherwise, we had fun together, and that was such an easy thing to outsource to other friends. I also convinced myself that it was unrealistic to expect the whole package in modern marriage, and it made perfect sense to have a life where I had intellectually stimulating conversations with friends and then went home to a happy life with my boyfriend.
This lasted until I graduated college, met someone with whom I had both intellectual stimulation and great chemistry, and realized I needed to break things off with my college boyfriend. He was a great guy, and I’m sure your boyfriend is too, but be very wary of needing to talk yourself into a greater commitment.
Anonymous
You aren’t that into him and you shouldn’t marry him.
Anon
There are people who set sky-high expectations that can only be met in Hollywood movies and then declare that they don’t want to “settle.” A lot of well-meaning advice is aimed at them. Do not listen to this advice; it’s not for you.
If you don’t enjoy the intellectual stimulation and you don’t enjoy the gardening, don’t get married. Those two things are extremely important in married life. I would be concerned if, hypothetically, your 26 year old boyfriend made $125k/year and you didn’t feel that it was enough, or he is 5’11 and you wanted at least 6’2, but that’s not what’s going on here. No one is perfect, or even really perfect for you, but this is supposed to be the good time – the time when you’re just beyond excited to be with him.
I’ve posted about this here before, but I sat across the table from my fiance on our very first date, shortly after meeting, and just *knew* that I was having my first ever meal with my future husband. It was downright eerie, and a feeling I had never had before about anyone – and I had dated a few dozen people.
Annony
+1
lawsuited
If you feel completely comfortable with him and could tell him anything and trust that he would respond to you fairly and kindly, then he’s a good match.
My husband is not my primary source of intellectual stimulation as we have very different interests, but I think he is very intelligent and talented and I respect him a great deal. I think it’s important to feel like you’re married to an equal, although a mature approach to determining if someone is your equal takes more into account than whether they understand issue estoppel (or whatever) as well as you do.
BelleRose - OP
Thanks for all your responses! In terms of intellectual compatibility, he’s definitely as smart as I am, it’s just that our conversations don’t gravitate towards intellectual discussion.
@Violette, wow. That’s exactly what I was wondering!
You’ve all given me a lot to think about :)
IHHtown
Is the issue that you don’t like talking to him/think that talking to him is a bit boring (Meh), or that you don’t talk about deep and/or academic things very much? If the former, that is a big red flag, as you will do a LOT of talking and chit chat over the course of a marriage – your husband should not make you want him to shut up. If the latter, I actually think that is quite normal. It’s not that you CAN’T talk about deep or academic things, it’s just that you don’t. As long as you can communicate on the big stuff, that’s what matters. My hubs is an engineer so I would not talk to him about education policy as he knows nothing about it and doesn’t really care, and that’s okay.
The gardening is a whole nother thing. Is the gardening Meh because you guys haven’t talked about preferences and ways to improve or are you largely incompatible? If you are sexually incompatible, don’t get married. You will end up divorced or in a sexless marriage and unhappy.
Calico
Ask on the afternoon thread for more responses, but I’ll just say this. If you knew your BF felt this way about you, that he’s not intellectually stimulated by your conversations, that gardening with you doesn’t really do it for him, would you still want to be with him?
Personally I would have been devastated to know my DH felt that way about me. Marriage can be very difficult. I’d be worried to start it off with these concerns.
AZCPA
Has anyone participated in a clinical trial before? Are you glad you did? If so, what did you wish you’d asked beforehand?
I was invited to participate in a clinical trial for a new permanent contraceptive. It is clearly a huge decision, both because it is permanent and because the process is not yet FDA approved. The commitment is for 5 years of observation and followup. I’m leaning towards participating, but would like to make sure I think about all the angles before deciding.
Anonymous
I haven’t but honestly looking at all the side effects of the contraceptives we have now (and how little the manufacturers seem to have cared) I would 100% not do this.
Anonymous
Agreed. I would absolutely do a clinical trial if I had a debilitating or terminal disease and the clinical trial seemed like the best hope. But if I were generally healthy there’s no way I would take on this risk. Doubly so if I had kids. There are permanent birth control options that don’t present any serious risks to either partner (ie vasectomy).
Anonymous
But that only works if you are willing to rely on another person. If you want birth control regardless of partner, a vasectomy isn’t exactly an option.
Anon in NYC
I did for a very minor thing by comparison – new med for sinus infections. I was young (in college) and didn’t really think about the consequences. It was completely fine.
Just off the top of my mind, in your shoes, I’d be 100% sure that I didn’t want biological children. I’d ask about the known or suspected side effects, any sort of complications if you need future medical care (surgery, etc.). I’d also ask about the monitoring if you were to relocate, as well as the monitoring process in general (frequency, duration of appointments, location for monitoring, etc.).
AZCPA
I am completely certain I don’t want kids. I also struggle with current available contraceptive options (I can’t get an IUD, Essure isn’t recommended for those with metal allergies or autoimmune issues, and while I take hormonal birth control, it is not without side effects).
The relocation is a good point; I do have an understanding of the monitoring process/location/frequency in my current area, and I’m comfortable with it.
Anonymous
Do you really think that somebody considering any kind of permanent contraceptive wouldn’t already be 100% sure she didn’t want biological children?
Anonymous
Sorry, I know that’s harsh, but your comment just smacked of that “Well, you’ll probably change your mind” attitude to me.
Anon in NYC
That’s not what I was trying to suggest. She asked for all angles to consider, and while it is intuitively obvious that she would have both considered and accepted that it would mean never having biological children, my reply was listing all of the things that I would ask about or consider off the top of my head. It really didn’t go deeper than that.
Davis
I’ve done several clinical trials and they were mostly good experiences. One was a vaccine trail and that didn’t go so well. It wasn’t the vaccine and I wasn’t harmed, but there was a blood vial mixup and I was told I had a condition that I didn’t have. That was very concerning and I fought for a re-test, but it took a while.
I would need to be sure about the permanent aspect first. If you’re unsure about that, then I’d say it’s a no-go.
For the rest of the participation, I would ask about side effects and information about dropping out during the followup period. The most important thing to remember is that you are in control. If they want you to participate for five years, that’s great for them. If you decide after 2 months or 2 years that you’re done, then you get to be done. Sign up with the plan of the five year commitment, but this is your health.
I would also ask about what types of backup birth control I would be able to use. If you don’t want children and this isn’t effective, you should have options.
Something like this should also offer compensation too. Good luck with your decision!
Anonymous
My only concern would be the efficacy — like, if you are considering permanent contraception, you probably are pretty firmly team no kids, and is that part of the trial? You probably have this info, but trusting a thing that isn’t “proven” in this case would probably make me nervous.
In general, while I’ve never done this, I would. I had a family member who did a clinical trial for brain cancer and while it may or may not have been related, he lived twice his life expectation.
Anonymous
Yes she should know the phase and not participate in pre-efficacy phases. Only do this if efficacy has already been shown!
You can look on clinicaltrials dot gov to see information on previous studies of the device/drug
Anonymous
Is it a placebo-controlled trial? A relative participated in a medical trial because he had already tried all the available treatments to no avail and participating in the trial was the only was to access a new treatment. He ended up getting the placebo and was very, very resentful that he was still required to participate in years of monitoring which is NBD if you’re getting helpful treatment in exchange but a big imposition if there’s no upside to you.
Cinical Trial
Would 100% not do this for the reasons Anonymous said above.
I have participated in a clinical trial, but it was because traditional cancer treatment was not working and it was my only option to, you know, not die.
Clinical Trial
Oh and although I am glad I did the trial for obvious reasons, one of the drugs used was never approved because it is cardiotoxic. It took my heart over a decade to “repair” itself. I was the only patient in the trial that survived.
Anonymous
I do trial data analysis and we are so grateful to our subjects for participating and helping advance medicine!
I also participate in trials here and there, i’m doing an ankle research one this weekend.
Being a trial subject has advantages because you get medical care for free. For your particular situation, think long and hard about what the procedure you will undergo entails and whether you’re okay putting your body at those risks. What phase is the study? If it’s Phase III, then by that time they normally have some idea of the risks associated with the drug/device. If it’s Phase I or II then that’s a lot more experimental and I’d say the risk is higher.
Either way, you ARE helping science and if you’re willing to try it, you will be benefitting future women. However, if the risk is unacceptable to you then that’s totally fine too!
Horse Crazy
I just bought a few really nice bottles of red wine. What would be your ideal dinner to drink it with? Not vegetarian/no dietary restrictions.
Anonymous
A delicious ribeye (cooked in cast iron with garlic, thyme and butter) or
A yummy Parmesan and mushroom risotto, or
“Sunday Gravy”, cooked by my BFF’s Italian nana,
A large plate of cheese including baked brie, and a baguette, alone in my house wearing a wine sweater while my SO works mids.
mascot
What kind? Pinot Noir? Syrah? Cabernet Sauvignon?
JuniorMinion
Cab / chianti / barolo – Steak (ribeye / filet), heavy red sauce, bolognese
Pinot Noir – More flexible, can work with fattier fish, tomato sauce / cream sauces, lighter cuts of beef / chicken, duck / other poutry
Syrah / GSM – pork, cured meats, BBQ, fruit
Anonymous
I travel occassionally for work (1x a quarter-ish? not always EVERY quarter in the two years I’ve been here?) and I just got assigned a “turn and burn” trip next month where I’ll fly out and come back the same day.
I’m going to be staffing somebody who is speaking at an event so I won’t be able to take a rollerbag or anything, probably going to take my OMG (I also have a 15″ dagne dover, but seems heavy to carry ALL DAY), though I don’t know yet if I have to take my laptop. Besides obviously taking a spare pair of undies and a toothbrush (I have a set of silk pjs that fold up extremely small I may bring in case the worst comes to pass), what are your best tips for surviving — or better, thriving in — this?
Anonymous
Water and snacks and bring less than you think you should, because you’ll have to lug everything around all day. I probably would nix the pj set, it’s really unlikely that you’ll need it. I like to be overprepared and always bring way more than I need and then regret it.
sheep jump death match
I do this pretty regularly. Do NOT bring that overnight bag. Way too big. The Dagne Dover or any other professional tote will be fine. One bag only.
I focus on being organized and able to move quickly so I am not stressed out about getting through security, rental car, etc. on very tight timelines. Strategies:
-A plastic envelope with all travel info/details, with important stuff on a pre-printed travel checklist that is also in the envelope. My checklist has spaces for my out and back flight numbers, my boarding time (NOT the take off time), where I will depart from (home, office, conference location) and what time I need to depart, rental car agency and reservation number, and a fillable packing list for weird equipment, files, etc. Then in the envelope there might be the phone number of my site contact, the conference schedule, parking info, etc. The idea is that I will never get to a counter or checkpoint and have to fumble for information.
-I bring my own vent mount and car charger for my phone, for directions to the place and bc it’s unlikely you’ll be able to charge while you’re working. Charged spare battery, too.
-Wear shoes that don’t alarm or that slip on and off. Lots of heels alarm.
-Clean out your purse or whatever bag you are taking. I once brought a stapler but not my rental car reservation. Don’t be me.
-You don’t need extra clothes. They sell clothes in Cleveland. Wear layers that you can take on and off as needed. The only comfort thing I bring is a Turkish towel that can act as a shawl or lap blanket that I can then fold up and hide as needed. They fold tiny and come in very handy if you get caught in the rain.
Basically, you want to travel fast and light. Sometimes it feels glamorous! Other times you have a stress stapler. It’s usually just fine.