Suit of the Week: Zara

42 Comments

1. I’ve been talking with friends a lot lately about the power of thought and one’s assumptions. We have a friend who has literally never been single and I don’t think she ever will be (she went from one marriage right to another LTR and then marriage) and we think part of it is that she just assumes she will be with someone. Another friend is very confident about money and career stuff. She carries herself with that confidence, and as a result, money and career opportunities seem to come to her effortlessly.

   How much do you think this is true? I don’t believe in the Secret or anything like that, but I’m starting to wonder if, within the boundaries of our own minds, we do wield more power than we think. I don’t think I can imagine my way out of a terrible situation, but I wonder if I can think my way out of a “stuck” situation into something slightly better… thoughts?

   1. I think this is absolutely true. I’m not sure about the relationship friend…maybe she’s just an attractive candidate for a relationship (physically attractive, has good personality trait, friendly, designs her life to be open to a relationship, etc…)? But I do think that your mindset has a ton to do with success. That being said, I think this mindset can also come from a place of privilege and you have to be careful with it. Otherwise you’ll think that everyone who is born into poverty just needs to work hard enough and be positive. to become financially successful.

      1. I think your mindset has to do with success, but because it comes from a place of privilege. If you’ve never had to worry about money and career stuff, then yes you’ll be more confident, but you likely also have access to opportunities and safety nets that others don’t have.

         If you grew up poor or close to poor, I imagine it’s hard to ever be “confident” about money because you may not have family money to rely on, or a family home to stay in, or you may have staggering debt that you have to pay off on time. People with those resources (or with trust funds or who graduate with minimal debt or who can live at home rent-free for the first few years after college) likely have much more confidence about money, because what’s the consequence for them? A month without an income probably isn’t worrisome or an “insecure” place in their mindset.

         The relationship thing seems separate to me. That is more a function of certain people who just can’t be alone and will stay in relationships longer than needed because it’s better than being single. And not to pick on your friend specifically, but she’s had two long-term relationships that haven’t worked out. Has she even taken the time to understand what went wrong, to ensure her third one will be the right one? Will she stick in the third one because no one wants to be twice-divorced, even if it’s not a good relationship for her? She specifically may have everything figured out, but in general I don’t view hopping from one long-term relationship straight into another one as a goal of mine.

      2. Yes, I agree also. I think that we can force our mind’s to rule over matter. In my case, I am confident that I can overcome my fear of failure by succeeding in busness, and wooing cleint’s. The same for my personal life. I will be married even if I have to be less picky and take a guy who is NOT as good as Jared Kushner. Once I convince myself of something, I reach and grab it. That is how I first hooked up with my ex, b/c I was looking for a self confident man who was reasonably good looking and my Grandma Leyeh would approve. He was a match except for the drinking, which made him a looser. FOOEY! We all make some mistakes, tho. YAY!!!!

   2. I personally think it’s more that positive thinking means when you have to brainstorm ideas/solutions, positive ones come from it – you don’t get trapped in your own head in a negative thought spiral. That might be simplistic, but it’s what has worked for me.

   3. 1. someone who can’t imagine themselves as single – sounds to me like someone that latches onto the next thing without thinking about whether it’s a good idea. I don’t know that the lack of introspection is necessarily enviable.

      2. Sure, she’s confident. Is she also smart, a hard worker, and puts herself in a position to make opportunities happen and take advantage of them? I mean – that’s a skill. It can look like luck, but there’s a lot of groundwork that goes into being well positioned to have offers/opportunities come your way. Why do you draw the connection between her confidence and success, and not other factors?

      1. +1 never being single isn’t necessarily a marker of success. It can also mean someone who isn’t comfortable with her own company, or is totally co-dependent on partners.

         1. I think some people are just serial monogamists. Sometimes for bad reasons and sometimes for good ones.

            Definitely think your mindset has a lot to do with it. Which isn’t to say that if you’re single and wish you weren’t, or not successful, or otherwise in a situation you’d rather not be, that is your fault. But sometimes your mindset matters, all other things being equal. And some people are just lucky and luck tends to have a snowball effect.

            I also don’t believe in the Secret but I do believe in assuming good intentions and believing that there are always options. I have friends who think the world is just set against them and it often tends to work out that way and I wonder if one leads to the other (e.g., friend gets pulled over, assumes the cop is out to get him, gets ticket vs. other friend who thinks “how can I make this situation work out” and magically talks her way out of all the tickets ever). Sometimes there are no good options but I find that viewing a situation as presenting a “better” option vs. just being hopeless really helps how I feel about things and often leads me to come up with some creative solutions in the process.

            1. Hmm, I’ve always looked at serial monogamists askance and assumed the reasons would always be bad. But I’ll admit some of that probably comes from a place of jealousy. I’m pretty much the opposite of a serial monogamist. There are always long gaps between my serious relationships.

               I definitely agree with your last paragraph. I work with a couple of people who ALWAYS assume the worst intentions. I just think it must be exhausting to go around thinking everybody is out to get you.

         2. THIS.

            Everyone I’ve seen who hops from relationship to relationship is doing so because they’re afraid to be alone and/or require attention from men for validation. This isn’t to pass judgment, per se– I’ve been the serial monogamist–but the picture just isn’t always as simple as pretty optimistic woman always has a BF, how cute.

            1. I don’t think that’s always true. I call it the Paul McCartney phenomenon. PM was married to Linda for a long time and by all accounts very happily. She died, he was clearly grieving but then he went and fell in love with someone and married her pretty soon after. That didn’t work out, they had a messy divorce and then he married someone else and now seems happy again. Before Linda he was married too. I don’t think he’s necessarily codependent or has low self esteem. I think he is just a relationship person. Sometimes that doesn’t work out for him (wife 3, and 1 to a lesser degree), but he just tries again (2 and 4).

               I’ve been alone at times, but I’m a relationship person too. I have very high standards for what I expect from a relationship and what I won’t put up with, but I tend to think i am also less focused on some of the things my friends use to write off guys over and less to.erant of things others put up with. I don’t play games and I lose interest if someone doesn’t make me feel good about myself. I have mostly been that ‘one relationship to the next’ girl and it’s not because I don’t want to be single for some reason. I just tend to find myself attracted to a certain kind of person and that tends to result in LTRs. I fully hope and expect to be with my husband forever but if something tragic were to happen I would hope both/either of us would be able to find happiness with someone else.

            2. Okay, that’s nice for you. Gold star on good relationshiping. I never said it was always true. I’m not talking about being in a few serious, long term relationships, or getting separated/widowed and then finding someone new. I think you’re reading way too much into what I’m saying and getting defensive. I’m talking about the phenomenon of people who are literally never single–not even for a few weeks– because said person doesn’t want to be, like OP’s friend. Which is not what seems to be your situation.

      2. I also question “effortlessly.” Why wouldn’t a skilled, valued hard worker meet with opportunity? And why wouldn’t success after success lead to confidence?

         1. Right, that sounds like the opposite of effortless! Sounds like she works hard and it pays off.

   4. Our thoughts are very powerful. My 15 year old daughter’s kindergarten teacher told her she was not a good reader. Shortly after I remember the following conversation in the car:
      Daughter: “What if I’m not good at math either when we start it?”
      Husband: (calmly) “Don’t worry about that. It’s genetically impossible. Your father is a chemical engineer, and your mother is a C.P.A.”
      Daughter: “Oh, I’m so glad, Daddy. That would be awful if I wasn’t good at anything.”

      She sat right in the “middle” reading group until after Christmas in the second grade when she suddenly could read anything put in front of her. It turns out that she simply wasn’t good at phonics. She jokes that she still cannot sound out words and just had to memorize all of them. On the other hand, she firmly believed she would be great at math (and science) and is. Anytime she stumbles in school or her sport, I remind her that the people who make it look effortless are actually working very hard behind the scenes to make things happen.

      This is such an interesting topic.

      1. That math story is a cute anecdote but it’s not something I would say to a kid. It’s absolutely possible for the child of two math geniuses to be bad at math and it just seems like you’d be setting her up for disappointment if she had struggled with math. I think a kid who is told that it should come naturally to them would be more likely to give up if it doesn’t in fact come naturally.

   5. I think a big part of it is that when you expect something or feel entitled to it, you don’t settle for anything else. It’s not that great things manifest instantly, it’s just that you’ll be more likely to rule out not-matches until you hit the thing you think you deserve. Staying in a terrible relationship means you won’t be single when that great guy crosses your path; staying in a job where you’re over-worked and under-appreciated means you’re less likely to be at that networking event where a vacancy at your dream company comes up.

   6. I had a conversation with a law school friend about this. He thought that everything came effortlessly to me. I was discussing his observation with my husband and he pointed out some big differences between me and law school friend that likely led to our different experiences with life. I’m conventionally attractive, an extrovert, and can kind of mesh into any crowd. Law school friend is male, not conventionally attractive, painfully socially awkward and has hobbies that are historically “geeky” and don’t make for easy small talk. He’s also extremely shy.

      I had a lot of struggles in law school. I was working through a major medical diagnosis while also dealing with a yet to be diagnosed learning disability. Yet things appeared to come easy to me as I projected confidence and didn’t sweat the small stuff like getting called on in class.

   7. I can think of two effects here that have been documented by psychology/sociology. Confirmation bias is relevant for observing other people’s journeys and maybe also your own. You have mentally placed the person into a category (confident, good with money, clumsy) and then your brain filters all information you receive about that person. If it fits your expectation, you give it weight, but if it contradicts how you see that person, your brain is very likely to dismiss that information rather than to change your perception about the person. Humans are generally wired that way and it colors your perspective.
      But the other thing might be a self-fulfilling prophecy type of effect. If you have a certain identity, you will probably respond to an opportunity that fits your self-identity, while someone else with a different identity might respond differently to the same situation/opportunity. I feel that the self-fulfilling prophecy makes you aware that you have control, while confirmation bias is difficult (but not impossible) to overcome.

   8. It’s always been my experience that people are more likely to pursue things that they think are possible. If you think you will get that promotion, you will follow through with actions that lead to that result. If you don’t think you are capable of something, you are less likely to put in effort to make that something possible. So yes, mindset can really affect your life outcomes, but only to a certain extent. Preparation meets opportunity to make success. I guarantee you there are tons of optimistic people who think they should be coupled and will end up with a great love that are still single, and confident people who just KNOW they will be wealthy and successful but aren’t because of reasons.

   9. “She carries herself with that confidence, and as a result, money and career opportunities seem to come to her effortlessly.”

      I’ll highlight two things from that sentence: “as a result” and “effortlessly”

      You have no evidence for either, really. Why do you think success for her is a result of confidence rather than some other factor? That seems like a strange idea. Relatedly, I caution you against thinking that anything is effortless for anyone. Most people are good at things they work hard at. Exceptions to that rule are extremely rare. Just because you can’t see the effort (because you aren’t watching them 24.7 and don’t know their whole life story) doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

      1. Yeah, it just doesn’t make any sense that her success only comes from confidence. That’s just silly.

         This whole thing seems like over thinking to me. Yes, obviously our attitude and the way we approach problems and mentally/emotionally interact with the world influences our behavior and, as a result, outcomes. Obviously. Am I missing something?

   10. Well, I think there’s this thing that’s kind of like “keep your eye on the ball”. Our minds head towards what we pay attention to. So, for instance, in a (basically good) relationship, you focus on the good things your partner or child does, and you react positively, and they like your positive reaction, and that provides motivation for them to continue to do good things, it’s a positive cycle. If you constantly focus on and nitpick the imperfections, that will be the only thing you can see. Or if you are thinking of ways to make more money or advance in your career or whatever, your mind will be focused on looking for opportunities and moving in that direction. So in that way, I think that focusing your mind on what you want and how to get it can be powerful.

       On the other hand, I’ve seen a lot of this kind of thought process used to blame sick people, like illness is a moral failure. If you get sick it’s your fault, and if you stay sick, it’s not the germs or the cell mutations or whatever, it’s you not “fighting hard enough” or staying “positive” or whatever.

2. My husband and I have finally concluded that the only way our household calendar will work is if we get a big wall calendar where we both and our nanny can write all of our activities. Does anyone have any links for where to buy one?

   1. An office supply store? Like one that can be used as a desk blotter?

      1. https://bit.ly/2L4yygv

   2. there are a ton of “command centers” on amazon.

   3. Pottery Barn or PB Teen

   4. I have something similar to this. It’s really helps.

      https://www.etsy.com/listing/210240320/chalk-board-wall-calendar-vinyl-wall?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=chalkboard wall decal&ref=sr_gallery-1-12

   5. There are dozens of dry-erase options of varying sizes at Office Depot and Amazon.

      If you’re crafty, you could do a chalkboard version – cheap and customizable, but maybe hard to keep tidy.

   6. I buy one of these at Staples every new year.

      1. +1

   7. On Amazon search “family wall calendar dry erase” which will give you great options of varying sizes.

3. Anyone here willing to share info about their breast reduction? Want to hear everything from recovery to what it costs out of pocket. I have one child and not sure if we’re “done” but will decide soon. I am a 30G and my back is killing me!

   1. I did it decades ago, way before having a kid. There are some timing considerations to take into account. You won’t be able to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk (8lbs) for 4-6 weeks after surgery. Breast-feeding may or may be possible after surgery and it almost certainly will not be an exclusive option for feeding. Hormones and weight gain may change your size and shape- waiting until after you are done with having babies may give you better results.

   2. Mine was 19 years ago, so I’m sure my information is outdated, but I’m still so happy I did it! Mine was covered by insurance except a copay that I think was pretty minor (the surgeon’s office was knowledgeable about getting it pre-approved – they just took pictures and submitted them and it went smoothly). Recovery was really straightforward. I have no idea if this is still the procedure but I spent the night in the hospital with a morphine pump, went home the next morning, and only took prescription painkillers for one more day or so. I had to be really careful about touching/lifting for a while, but I don’t remember awful pain or anything like that. At this point scars are barely noticeable (it took years for them to fade this much, though). I had reduced feeling in the nipples for some time, but it went back to normal.

      I don’t have children yet, but hope to soon. My surgeon told me he was careful to preserve the milk ducts so while I don’t have my hopes up for BF exclusively, I’d like to try at least partly.

4. The pants on this are like the suit version of Mom jeans.

5. What’s the best way to ask my boss to let me take on more of his low-priority tasks? We have a small staff for a financial company and he does a lot of tasks that could easily be delegated to me, since they don’t require anything specialized. I’d ideally like to move into more of a project management role, rather than my current receptionist role, and this seems like a good way to start out.

   Any ideas?

   1. I think a lot of this depends on your education, your bosses education and your field of employment. But honestly just ask in a way that frames it as you trying to be helpful, not you trying to move up.

   2. My favorite is that when somebody says something like “Oh, I need to add this to my list” or “I should remember to do X” or “I need to get the __ out tomorrow” and it’s something I can help with, I’ll volunteer to lend a hand. This is usually as simple as “I can help you with that if you’d like” and then go from there. Key is to start with things that you know you can do a stellar job on, because if you take on something that requires additional time from them to review and fix up, they won’t see it as helpful. However, if you show them that you can make their life easier by taking things on and doing them well, they will be more likely to provide you more (and more challenging) tasks in the future.

      Also, make sure that anything you take on doesn’t affect your ability to do your current job duties.

6. I got a huge (3’ by 4’) wet erase one from Amazon and hung it in our mud room. It’s a single month, so there’s plenty of room on each day for multiple notes. I keep our family calendars in google calendar, and once a month I erase the wall calendar and fill in the next month. It’s color-coded by family member. It only takes a few minutes to update each month, ensures that I’m aware of what’s coming up in the next month, and makes it very easy for the kids and the babysitter to check what’s going on.

7. Ladies, I need help with shoes. I have recently developed some severe pain in my right foot. I’ve seen a couple of doctors and I’ve been referred to an endocrinological bone specialist, with whom I have an appointment in August. In the meantime, though, my doctors have advised me to try to find more comfortable shoes to deal with the pain in the immediate term. My go-to shoes are Cole Haan 40mm wedges, which I’ve worn for years, but I think I need to try something else. I need a low heel, and I’m an attorney, so they need to be appropriate with a skirt suit/dress. Bonus points for finding something that I can fit an orthotic into, as I think that may help with pain as well. Any help would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!

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