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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This berry-colored sheath is a great way to work color into your wardrobe in a way that’s not too in-your-face. The boatneck is great for a bold necklace, maybe in a contrasting color like aqua or navy, or a long station necklace with some bling. I would wear this with an animal print shoe or black tights and black booties.
The dress, which is from Adrianna Papell, is $149 and available in sizes 14W–24W. Knit Crepe Sheath Dress
The brand has a similar style in straight sizes that comes in light blue, navy, and red.
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Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon531
Are sheath dresses harder or easier to maintain than a 2 pieces pants suit? Do they need to be ironed each time before wearing?
I have never worn any sheath dress.
anon
so much easier and depends on the fabric…
Housecounsel
Ponte sheath dresses generally don’t. I dry clean everything, though.
rosie
Depends on the fabric. But even if both items are machine washable, I think it’s much easier to get a sheath dress to be ready-to-wear right away than something with a collar or more structure.
Anonymous
Get a garment steamer and they are super easy
M
I think they’re easier. I mostly buy ponte or similar and wear a non-matching blazer. Those I can machine wash and they dry smooth. For my dress suits, I dry clean them together. I like Talbot’s for dresses. I’m hourglass and their ponte shapes are loose enough to not be sexy, but well made and professional enough for court.
Worry About Yourself
Depends. I buy machine washable sheath dresses, some of them can go in the dryer, most need to be line dried or laid flat (then again, the same goes for my blazers, I don’t buy a lot of dry clean only stuff). I have one sheath that does need to be laid to dry but does wrinkle, so I try to hang it up while it still a little damp to prevent that. The problem with some sheaths is that if you iron them, the shell might shrink while the lining stays the same length and that will require re-hemming.
Anon
The winter blues are starting to set in for me. All I want to do is eat unhealthy foods and watch tv, but I know too much of those things actually makes me feel worse. I can feel this starting to turn into more than just seasonal blues (I’ve struggled with mild depression for the past couple of years but have been feeling better for the last few months.) Any tips to perk myself up before this gets worse?
I feel you
same. What helps me is making a schedule for myself for after-work-hours. I’m probably a little too type-A
get home. schedule gym time. Schedule some adult coloring time. Limit myself to only 1-2 episodes of my programs (Succession right now!) keep some running to do lists of dumb silly stuff, emails to send etc. It really does help me to keep busy in slumps, even weather-induced ones.
anon
Wow, I was about to post the exact same thing. Commiseration. I’m keeping up with my workouts, which helps temporarily, but my mood and energy levels are really struggling.
Anon
Same here. I’ve been so tired it’s hard to get up in the morning.
pugsnbourbon
Just echoing everyone else, I’ve noticed a steep drop in my overall mood these last two weeks. I try to remind myself that it’s temporary but it’s hard.
Vicky Austin
Sunshine makes a huge difference for me, especially now that we’re on the long slog back out. Even just running errands at lunch will give me a boost.
Anon
Getting a few minutes of sunshine a day makes a lot of difference for me, especially because I work in an office with no windows. I also make it a point this time of year to get out on the weekends as much as I can, even if that’s a 15-minute walk around the block. Any outside time is better than nothing for me.
A Vitamin D supplement may also help, even if you’re not clinically deficient. I have VitD gummies I eat in the mornings and it makes a big difference between feeling mildly off and wishing it was spring and feeling like I want to sleep my life away.
Sadie
Yeah I live in western oregon. There is no sun. Not in the morning. Not at lunch. It’s like dusk all day the clouds are so dark. And it’s so, so wet. I take a prescription vitamin D bc I am so deficient I need 10k units a day. Doesn’t seem to help.
Did I mention I’m feeling this way too? LOL.
Anonymous
Bluntly, if it affects you this much, you may need to move. I couldn’t live in the PNW because of the winter climate/daylight issues. Also, even if you can’t get outside, exercising period – even if it’s just going to a gym and walking on a treadmill for 30 minutes – has been shown to help. I think the SAD light suggestion below is good too. Proactively trying to tackle the problem may also just make you feel more empowered, vs. just waiting for winter to be over.
anon
I cannot remember the last time I saw the sun. It’s been gray and depressing for several weeks. Getting fresh air does help, though.
Anon
Vitamin D supplements.
Walks during the day. Use the sunroof when it’s at all possible – I use the heated seats, sunroof, and heat any time it’s above about 35 and is sunny.
S in Chicago
Same. I just want one sunny day—I don’t even care how cold. Exercise, vitamin D, spending some time outside (bonus if there is any nature) even if I have to dress crazy to get there (I’ve been trying to walk and listen to a good book). I’m slogging through work projects that don’t excite me as much as other parts of my job (think working on team goals and project plans instead of the creative stuff), so I allocate about an hour every day to the good stuff that isn’t as urgent just to stay sane. (Also bingeing Succession…)
Cb
Lunchtime walks, hot yoga (not light but the heat seems to help), and a low dose SSRI.
Anonymous
I seriously recommend getting a Happy Light. They are under $50 on Amazon. Sit with it at your desk or while watching tv for a bit each day. Vit D is also helpful if you are low.
Anon
Happy Light. Year after year of these Canadian winters are killing me, and the Happy Light is a saving grace. It won’t fix everything, but it definitely helps. Yesterday’s blues had me in bed at 6pm. Today is a new day! Best of luck!
Yep
Happy Light. Year after year of these Canadian winters are killing me, and the Happy Light is a saving grace. It won’t fix everything, but it definitely helps. Yesterday’s blues had me in bed at 6pm. Today is a new day! Best of luck!
Alina
Maybe find some new / interesting things that you look forward to doing? Go to a new restaurant or cafe or yoga class or bookstore. Adult coloring books like someone mentioned or jigsaw puzzles.
Anony
I’m with you! This week has been terrible. I also feel on the cusp but just keep telling myself that this will pass and spring will come…. everything feels so depressing, even though I know it’s not. I’m giving myself permission to eat that crappy food, watch that tv, etc in moderation. Everything in moderation. Also, definitely going to dig my fake-sun light out tonight. Thank you to the poster that mentioned it! I forgot I had one.
Self Help Junkie
I’ve been using the Luminette light glasses for 20 minutes a day right when I wake up, to help with my circadian rhythms, but I think they would help for mood as well. They have really helped me go to bed on time and not sleep in.
It’s a blue light that shines directly in your eyes, but from an angle that it doesn’t interfere with your vision and you can even walk around and do things, and wear your glasses at the same time. So they are more convenient than sitting by a light. It’s equivalent to a 10,000 lux lamp.
They are on Amazon for $200, the newest model is Luminette 3.
Anon
I read the discussion about Salt Lake City yesterday with interest. I’m curious though, why did people recommend Dallas for an outdoorsy DINK couple with an interest in history and avoiding congestion? It’s definitely lower COL, but isn’t Dallas a place with lots of new builds where it’s too hot to go outdoors 3-5 months a year? It would also be culture shock coming from the Bay Area just like SLC.
Angela
I agree with your comments, and would add that Dallas has zero topography or natural beauty. For people who are “outdoorsy” this could be a significant downside, i.e. nowhere you’d really want to hike or camp. And yes, the heat in the summer is brutal — but it’s balanced by mild weather this time of year.
And history? I mean… not really. Yes any major city will technically have museums. But the establishment of Texas was in the mid-1800s and there wasn’t a ton going on there until more like the mid-1900s. Compared to the East Coast where you can hardly swing your arms without hitting a Revolutionary or Civil War battlefield, Texas just doesn’t compare.
Angela
Also, obviously SLC would have this issue too, but to state the obvious: the Bay Area is blue, while Texas is red. Dallas may be technically blue, but it’s a lot more balanced, especially among high-SES circles like the women on this board travel in. If it’s important to you to be able to take for granted that your coworkers and neighbors aren’t Fox News watchers, Dallas is not the place for you.
Anon
SLC is much redder than Dallas and Utah is redder than Texas, fwiw. Plus you have the added element of the vast majority of the people in Utah being Mormon, which makes it hard to break into social and professional networks. Almost anywhere in the US is going to be more conservative than the Bay Area, so I interrupted the culture shock comments to be more about moving to a place where almost everyone shares a religion than about politics.
Anonymous
I took it that way, too. FWIW, I (American whiskeypalian) grew up in a very large city in a Muslim country and you get used to doing things the way that things are done where you live. When in Rome, etc. So I get the Morman curtain, etc. and that SLC is where the LDS runs into people with tattoos moreso than the rest of Utah.
I think that the mountain west can be awesome and that there are a lot of cities with good job $ / housing expense ratios (not Portland or Seattle), like Phoenix (winter is a few hours north). I know people happy in Omaha, Sioux Falls, etc., but those are much smaller cities. Minneapolis if you can stand the winter. RDU and CLT are nice and very used to transplants. But if you are West Coast based, I think it’s hard to find places that aren’t super-expensive where you can still get the job you want.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t have recommended Dallas, but I am from there. As far as outdoorsy things, the summers may be hot, but at least the rest of the year it is pretty tolerable. Also, you are within a 4-5 hour drive of a bunch of beautiful places. Texas hill country, NW Arkansas, parts of Oklahoma are all beautiful for outdoor activities. There are also a bunch of lakes nearby if you are a watersports person.
Congestion is pretty bad but not as bad as Austin or Houston.
Dallas is actually reasonably blue, and even the conservatives in the suburbs always seemed more moderate and less Trump-Republicans.
anon
If a DINK couple chose to move to Dallas, I would tell them to move into Lakewood. Not many new builds, almost all older houses and tree lined streets surrounding/close to White Rock Lake. Texas has lots of historical sites from the 1800s and before that relate to the time under Spanish and Mexican rule or the time as an independent republic.
Anon
For environmental reasons, I want to drastically cut back the amount of meat and animal products I consume (will not go vegan , basically because life is too short to give up on Haagen dazs and cheesesteaks ) . I’ve been focusing on this for a few weeks and am finding that I’m still finding it hard to eat enough protein to feel full. For people who have done this in the past, what are your tips? (Open to all tips, not just protein / feeling full)
I don’t like tofu and would prefer to eat as much real food as possible, as opposed to processed alternatives.
Anon
I’m doing something similar and have the same problem. I tend to have more success with combining carbs and protein and fat (e.g., avocado toast with one egg, beans and avocado, etc.), but I have trouble thinking of new combinations or ones that involve zero animal products that can keep me full. Will be following!
OP
Yes! Lunch this week was quinoa, chickpeas, kale and sweet potato and yet I’m starving after lunch!
Diana Barry
You lucky people! If I eat normal sized lunches I gain weight immediately (thanks, thyroid).
OP, I find eggs to be great protein sources.
Anonymous
That’s a lot of carbs and basically no fat. Put an avocado on top and pick either quinoa or sweet potato.
Housecounsel
Protein and fiber. Full-fat Greek yogurt with some high-fiber cereal and berries works well.
Anon
Use MyFitnessPal to log that meal. I bet it has a much higher carbs:protein ratio than you think.
Nesprin
Yep- its the carbs. Try chickpeas and kale with a scoop of greek yogurt/yogurt based dressing, an avocado and a handful of nuts.
Anonymous
Nuts and lentils are key. Lentil soup, nuts on your salad etc. How is your fat intake? Fat can also affect saity.
Allie
I’m not vegan but we do often eat vegan. I think you want something with a bean/grain combo or tofu/grain combo with veggies. Are you sure you don’t like tofu? Have you tried extra firm tofu marinated and then baked? Staples in our home are tofu stir fry with brown rice, brown rice and beans with avocado, bean soup, veggie chilli, and pasta and veggies.
Anon
+1. Also try to find the softer tofu sold in Korean specialty stores like H mart. They have a distinctively different texture than those sold at Whole Foods and are great to have with salad (with “oriental dresssing”) or spicy soft tofu soup broth (sold in packets) + eggs. Also they sometimes have noodles made out of tofu, which only marginally taste like soy in tomato sauce. It’s a great protein option if you want a lower carb option with traditional dishes.
Lily
Protein shakes are your friend (I stick with pea protein instead of whey or other animal sources). Try to have one as a snack (NOT a meal replacement) every day. The Orgain brand tastes decent.
Try to substitute higher protein versions of things you already eat – Banza (chickpea) pasta instead of regular pasta, higher protein bread instead of regular bread, greek yogurt instead of regular yogurt, Kodiak pancake/waffle mix instead of regular, etc.
Shelled edamame makes a great snack. Also check out PB2 – it’s the good part of peanut butter (protein) with a lot of the fat stripped out.
Finally, learn how to make tofu taste really good. It’s daunting but worth it.
AnonPara
I think the Vega protein shakes taste pretty good too. I get them at Target.
Minnie Beebe
You need to eat some fat to feel full. If you don’t want to rely on the “put an egg on it” trick, try incorporating things like tahini-based “sauces” on your food. I’ll do a grain bowl (could be farro, rice, whatever) with vegetables and some beans or tofu, and then mix up a quick sauce of tahini + tamari/soy sauce + sesame oil + sriracha (if I’m feeling it) and drizzle it over everything. It jazzes things up while adding some substance. Tahini with a bit of lemon juice would also work well.
Signed,
25+yr Vegetarian
Lilliet
I agree with this. And also, there’s going to be a mental adjustment too. What you think is “feeling full” is just going to feel different with less animal protein. I’m no longer a vegetarian, but was for 13 years, so now when I’m having a meatless meal I fill this void first with water. Then with beans or eggs. There’s some good science out there about how we only *think* we need more protein than we actually do, so it’s this mental game of your expectations versus reality. The reality is you are probably full after what you’ve eaten, even if you don’t feel that way.
anon
I have also tried to reframe my thinking around meals and eating. My goal is not to feel full but rather to not feel hungry. I guess it’s a form of intuitive eating and it has worked very well for me, even despite my hypothyroidism.
emeralds
Yeah, for me it’s plant-based fats like avocados and nuts; beans/lentils/chickpeas; eggs; and Greek yogurt.
Hearty soups with beans or lentils, substantial salads, and grain bowls get me pretty far, but I’ll end up starving if I don’t add in something with a substantial fat quotient–like a banana with a generous schmear of PB, or an avocado or hard boiled egg on my salad.
Cal
Echoing the comments about making sure to get some fat. My typical meal template is beans/grain plus leafy veg plus other veg plus a fat like nuts/seeds/avocado in about equal parts. If you’re up for tracking food in something like MyFitnessPal or Chronometer, check your “macros” for a few weeks to get a feel for it. I tend to aim for 15-20% calories from protein, 30-40% from fat and 50-60% from carbs to feel best personally.
Anonymous
Two thoughts:
bean + cheese burritos are very filling
yogurt (for me, 3 yogurts = a lunch portion)
Ribena
Beans in everything. I did a vegan month last year and it was great for teaching me to avoid some of the generic pre packed veggie alternatives/ surviving on cheese alone. I use lots of Smitten Kitchen recipes where she uses beans extensively, either as a compliment to or replacement for pasta or bread in many cases. I’m now obsessed with butter beans.
Anon
I’ve gone back and forth on eating meat a few times in my life, and I’ve found that after a little while your body adjusts. It takes a few weeks for me, personally.
anon
+1. Your body will adapt.
M
Yes, this. If you’re used to eating meat with every meal, it will take a bit for your body to adapt. I thought the first few weeks were hard. Now I rarely eat meat and don’t like huge portions when I do. Figure out a protein and fat and build around that. Fat will help you feel full. Try bean burrito bowls with brown rice, beans, salsa, avocado, and cheese, onions, cilantro, sour cream or whatever other toppings you like.
Anon
I’m a long time vegetarian currently cutting back on dairy and eggs. For me, feeling full isn’t really about protein. I get full from fiber and I stay full from fat. So try increasing the amount of healthy fats like olive oil, avocado, nuts, seeds, peanut butter, etc.
CountC
+1 from a vegetarian turned vegan
Anon
I encourage you to explore Indian cooking – we have a long culinary tradition of nutritious vegetarian diets.
Anon
+1. I like vegrecipesofindia.com
Her recipes are usable by an American who might not be familiar with things that would probably be a no-brainer to someone in India. (ie, not timing things by # of whistles, etc).
I also make the ubiqutous Costa Rican tipico breakfast (good for lunch or dinner, too). Gallo pinto, scrambled eggs, plantains.
cbackson
I have you tried seitan? I like the Uptons chorizo flavor. Very high in protein and delicious. I eat a high protein vegetarian diet and don’t love tofu, and seitan is a staple for me (along with eggs).
rosie
And seitan is super easy to make, although it may get a misplaced categorization as overly processed — wheat gluten and water, plus whatever flavorings you want (soy sauce, fennel, nutritional yeast, etc.). My favorite recipe involves throwing it in the Instant Pot, gets a lot of flavor in it.
Anon
You need to eat more fat, that will also make you feel full. And fiber.
Duckles
Not what you want to hear but I’m vegetarian and I do eat either eggs, tofu, beans and cheese, or fake meat at most meals for this reason and snack on string cheese and vegan jerky. I just don’t get full from things like quinoa alone.
Good on Paper
Thank you, truly, to everyone for the supportive and encouraging replies to my posts on both threads yesterday afternoon. I fully credit this wonderful community as a big reason I had the confidence to go for this job in the first place, and I really appreciate everyone’s perspective. Looking forward to moving past this incident and learning some healthy coping strategies and value-boundaries to better deal in the future.
Anonymous
Has anyone been to the F1 grand Prix in Austin, or has any ideas for must dos, things to see in the area etc?
AnonTechie
Never been, and a little envious!! Enjoy <3
Jeffiner
Is this at the Circuit of the Americas track? I went to the X-Games there one year. The track is actually a good drive away from the city of Austin, and there wasn’t much else around the track itself.
Anonymous
That’s good to know thanks! What was traffic like?
SSJD
After posting yesterday about Hermes scarves, I wanted to follow up with info about the scarves I have that I would trade/sell. One is a collector’s Kermit Oliver design showing Christopher Columbus and a Native American. Search for Columbus Collectible Scarf Oliver. I have the blue colorway.
The other scarf is recontre oceane in purple/lilac color way: Pale Lilac/with Sage, Mint, Coral, Silver, Grey, Camel, Cocoa, Golden Yellow and Lilac Issue Date: 2001.
Anon
Are you just trying to drive people to your resale posting?
NY CPA
I would possibly consider trading for some of mine, depending on what kind of colors you’re looking for and if I have them. You can email me at bxvcorpor e t t e at g mail (obviously without the spaces).
BabyAssociate
This is a really beautiful pick, love the color!
The Original ...
Breaking lease question…
(Summary of what I’ve posted about in the past: I’m NAL; I have been helping a friend to try to break their lease on a place she’s lived in for 3 years after very very loud tenants who moved in 6 months ago have made her living experience awful and the manager has consistently refused to help for many months, possibly due to negligence, possibly due to the tenant having had to contact police to talk to manager to get him to stop peering in her windows a couple of years ago- something I just found out as she now asks if his lack of dealing with the neighbors may have been retaliation.)
She couldn’t find her lease and thought her lease was 30 days notice and a break lease fee of one month rent and she gave notice, also requesting to have the fee waived due to the situation. She found out that the manager has since left the company and someone new is there but she cannot stay as she already found somewhere new to move since she did not know the old manager was leaving and she could not take his ineffectiveness anymore. She had to provide the written proof of the situation to the new manager because old manager only documented one complaint and that he fixed the problem, which is obviously untrue and new manager knows she cannot trust old manager’s records thanks to the proof provided by my friend.
Friend also found her lease and discovered that the lease requires 60 days notice and a break lease fee of one month’s rent. She spelled out the situation to the new manager, who seems nice. New manager went to her regional supervisor (located elsewhere) and offered 30 days notice and the same break lease fee. Friend responded explaining that this was several months of problems, it cost her financially to try to purchase items to mitigate her situation, it cost her several months of being able to enjoy her home, etc. Manager won’t budge. Manager works for large corporation which owns this property and big complexes throughout the country.
She cannot afford an attorney on her own. There is an option for Friend to go to Legal Aid to try to see if they have recommendations or help to try to push to get that lease break fee lowered or removed as she feels this is unfair since she is leaving due to the neighbors and the manager’s lack of handling it for so long. To see Legal Aid, she would need to wait in a line that could take over 2 hours. Do you think this is worth going? Is there some other way to try to get the rate lowered or dropped other than asking and laying out the situation? Or is this a fight she cannot win and she’d be better off to suck it up and pay it off no matter how unfair it seems? (If it matters, money is very tight for Friend so saving the money would really matter, but she can figure out how to pay it if there is no option. She is willing to put in the time to try if there’s a real shot at lowering or removing the fee but does not want to waste her time if this is never going to happen.)
Any thoughts or recommendations would be incredibly appreciated. (I know others have been posting recently about neighbor issues too and I’m sending them best wishes as they muscle through it, having heard about this for a while from my Friend, I am so sorry anyone ever has to deal with this!)
Lily
Unless the 2-hour wait would like make her lose her job or something, yes, she should wait in line and talk to an attorney.
Diana Barry
+1.
Senior Attorney
Good grief, yes. This is a no-brainer.
Anon
I don’t know, I think I disagree. She is breaking her lease, what good is Legal Aid going to do her?
She should just move out already and let the chips fall where they may.
Anon
IME, companies like that will back down if they get a letter from an attorney because they also know it may likely cost more for them to hire an attorney to fight it and, since it’s a large company, they are unlikely to be making emotional decisions. Unless she will lose her job or something, I recommend going to legal aid. She should bring all the documents she has – lease, any emails to old manager, phone bill if she called him showing how often she called, all communications with new manager, and any records she has about expenses she paid to mitigate the noise. The better organized the documents are, the more help she can get in the visit. So, for example, being able to say, I contacted old manager X times between y and z dated, here are the records. I also spent $X trying to solve the problem between y and z dates, here are the receipts.
Anonymous
Pay and move out. She likely has no case. Loud neighbors happen.
KT
I agree with this. 60 days notice and one month fee to move is very normal, and actually on the better end of reasonable. It is not the manager’s fault she “lost her lease” and didn’t know about the notice period. She could have called the office any time and got a copy or just asked.
anon
Since the complex is owned by a large corp, they’ll probably send her to collections unless she pays what they say or fights it in court. In my state landlord-tenant law has a pretty specific statutory scheme, regardless of what a lease says. Written notices are important, you typically can’t abate rent without an agreement. Or break a lease without specific notices to the landlord requesting them to remedy the problem, and them not fixing it within that time. Legal Aid or the state bar probably has tenant resources on their website. search “X state bar association” or “X state legal aid” or “x state landlord tenant handbook”
Anonymous
She has no case . And no offense , but she broke her lease without even looking for a copy of her lease? Or requesting one (at which point she would have found out about the new manager? ) it’s probably worth it to at least see what legal aid can do but she has no case here – noisy neighbors are not a reason to break a lease – if they were violating noise ordinances she should have been dealing with it that way.
Lily
Trying to plan a vacation for the late spring and looking for ideas!
Pre-baby, our ideal vacation was a 10 day trip to Europe covering 2 or 3 cities each time. Our daughter will be 17-18 months in the spring. I would love to take her to Europe but wondering if it’s worth it at that age? Is the time difference going to completely mess us up and confine us to the hotel room for half of the trip? We’re thinking Paris and/or Amsterdam — husband has not been to Paris before, we’ve both been to Amsterdam but in the winter, would like to check it out in the spring.
An easier trip of course would be somewhere warm in the US. We did Miami when baby was 5 months and it was great, though obviously very tame. The problem with a domestic destination is that I really want this to be a vacation so I can unplug from work – at least a week – but the thought of anything more than a long weekend in, say, Miami or Charleston, is not appealing. California is out also, as we’ve done many trips there in recent years.
Budget is up to $5k for 7-10 days. TIA!
Anon
I went to Europe for 6 days when my daughter was 14 months and thought it was worth it. She did not sleep on the flight over, so neither did we, but once we got there she adjusted time zones quickly. Even if she’s not adjusting well, don’t confine yourselves to the hotel room. Sunlight is the best cure for jet lag. (Of course with a toddler who sleeps ~12 hours at night and takes a nap, you will be spending a fair amount of time in the room. I recommend splurging one a room with a view/balcony, and/or taking turns with your husband going out solo during nap time).
Paris and Amsterdam are terrific cities with toddlers.
Anon
Adding that with 7 days I would only do one Euro city. With 10 you could probably do two. Kids force you to slow down the pace of travel, at least if you want to enjoy the trip.
Lily
thanks!
Anonymous
Europe is great with babies! DH is from Europe so we go every year, and try to tour around.
Post-kids we almost always stay in an apartment with a kitchen or kitchenette – either AirBnB, or as a part of a family friendly hotel.I’d do Paris and maybe Berlin or Tuscany or Lisbon? Italy has tons of ‘agritourismo’ which are apartments on working farms or wineries. kinder hotels dot com also has tons of kid friendly properties. I’d suggest Martinhal property in Lisbon as a place I have stayed and liked.
I haven’t been to Berlin but that also gets great reviews. Plan to see/do one or two things a day at most, travel with kids just means a slower pace but you’ll have more interaction with locals which is neat too.
AnonTechie
I live in Berlin and agree that it is kiddie friendly.
Most of europe is pretty baby/toddler travel friendly and if your kid sleeps in a baby-carrier or stroller, you actually get a few hours of adult time during the naps.
Before we moved, we did a euro-trio with our then 17-month old and timed the serious museum-ing with his naps. (i babywore, he was a light enough)
Also +1 to the suggestion to get something with a kitchen – great for off schedule eating which is kinda the reality with baby-jetlag
Anon
That’s how we vacationed pre-kids. And I have friends who have done Euro trips from the east coast with kids that age and they were fine.
I didn’t think my kid would handle a long flight and jet lag well, so for vacation with my 17 month old we went to Quebec City and Montreal. It was European-feeling enough to scratch the ‘European vacation’ itch, but it was a quick plane ride and we didn’t have to manage time zone differences (although, it isn’t that warm up there, but is comparable to Amsterdam). With the slow pace of toddler travel, the two cities were fine for a week total.
Anon
If you don’t want to leave the US, here are some ideas:
-Bar Harbor and Acadia National Park, ME
-Mackinac Island, Michigan
-Asheville and Blue Ridge Parkway, NC
I tend to agree with you that major cities are best for long weekend trips. But all of the above places are hard enough to reach and have enough to see that you could easily spend a week at a relaxed pace without getting bored. And they all have scenery you can soak up and enjoy without doing intense hiking (which is difficult with toddlers, for me at least).
A.
Mackinac Island is amazing with kids! For a splurge vacation, stay at the Grand Hotel. We’ve traveled lots of places with our kids (now age 10, 7, and 4 but were 7, 5, and 3 when we went) and they still say Mackinac was their fave.
Good on Paper
Thank you, truly, for everyone’s supportive and encouraging replies to both of my posts yesterday afternoon. I fully credit this wonderful community as part of the reason I had the confidence to go for this job in the first place, and I really appreciated your perspective. Looking forward to putting this incident behind me and to learning some healthy coping strategies and value-boundaries to better handle things like this in the future.
Good on Paper
Thank you, truly, for everyone’s supportive and encouraging replies to both of my posts yesterday afternoon. I fully credit this wonderful community as part of the reason I had the confidence to go for this job in the first place, and I really appreciated your perspective. Looking forward to putting this incident behind me and to learning some healthy coping strategies and value-boundaries to better handle things like this in the future.
Heeled sandals that won't slice up your feet
Think of those heeled sandals always (oddly) pictured with workwear . . . I need to get a pair of those that will not turn feet into a bleeding / blistered mess. The strap going across the ball of foot area is the usual offender but the other strap/buckle can also offend. I am thinking that a good shoe would have a wider toe strap, perhaps elasticized or with some give. And that a faux suede fabric might be softer and less likely to offend. Ideally, a 2″ or lower heel that isn’t super-narrow (is not for me, is for tween child with adult sized feet, but I might want some for me if this unicorn really exists). Since Payless has gone out of business I am at a loss (their faux suede fabric was awesome).
PolyD
Well, they can skew a little dowdy, but basically Rockport and Taos (and sometimes Earth) make the only sandals I’ve ever found comfortable. They have the suede bottoms so your feet don’t get as sweaty and sticky, solid straps made of good leather that doesn’t cut your feet, and thick enough rubber bottoms that they’re comfortable to walk in.
They aren’t cheap, but you might be able to pick up some of last year’s styles (style being a relative term here) from places like Amazon or 6pm. Or the sites themselves – Rockport does free shipping, although you have to pay for returns but I don’t think it’s much and they provide a pre-paid label. Shoes.com can also be a good place to look.
Anonymous
I’ve had good luck with Aerosoles on similar sandals; not a faux suede but comfortable and reasonably walkable heel heights. Also, if there is an issue with certain spots rubbing, try both moleskin and Body Glide balm pre-emptively.
H13
I can wear the Naturalizer Adele sandal all day. I find them incredibly comfortable and versatile. Perfect heel height for me and don’t chafe. I’ve found them for a good price at DSW and on sale on the Naturalizer website.
Anonymous
Try the Steve Madden Irenee. It’s on a low block heel and the toe strap is not super narrow, both of which should reduce the pressure in the toe area.
rosie
Check out Sofft sandals. I have the Innis, which I think has been featured on this blog before. Extremely comfortable, I’ve never had them cut up my feet.
Senior Attorney
+1 I have my Sofft sandals in three colors
pugsnbourbon
I got a pair of Hush Puppies Sherlyn Malia (sidebar – why do shoes have such weird names) off 6pm and I found them to be very comfortable. They’re maybe less strappy than you would like. It looks like 6pm has a couple alternatives – look up the Mariska and the Griffin.
Anon
You didn’t ask this, but I would try to talk your tween child out of heeled shoes if at all possible. From personal experience it is terrible for her not-quite-fully-grown feet and can cause issues later on.
Anonymous
I have a pair from Cole Haan (a few years ago) that I like, and another from a brand I’ve forgotten, but I think this really depends on the particular feet and the particular shoe. I’d start with high-quality brands (probably shoe brands, as opposed to clothing brands that also make shoes) that tend to fit the person well, try on a lot of options, and go with what feels best. FWIW, the leather on my Cole Haan pair I have isn’t suede and there’s no elastic in the toe strap; I often find that suede has edges that rub and that straps with elastic can be too tight. The successful suede pair I own has non-suede piping along the edge of the strap..
Anon
Is there a trick to minimizing a bit of weight at the lower stomach area, other than to wear shapewear? I’m very petite plus very hourglass shaped (38C and 14 pants but small or a smallish medium fits me best in tops). I used to think that flowy tops were the way to go but realized those make me look wide by not catching the hourglass curve and pregnant by being too loose around the stomach. I already have enough struggle finding bras that look good under clothing and don’t show straps or cup outlines, I hate the idea of adding another garment to my closet and my bank statement. Is this the only option though or are there cuts or styles or something that would be right without looking dated?
Lily
High waisted jeans may give you the compression you need in the lower stomach area and allow you to wear more fitted shirts.
Anonymous
Go for tops that have some structure, are nipped in at the waist, or have a nice drape through the middle. I spend an unreasonable amount of money on T-shirts because I need that nipped in look that you just don’t get from cheap shirts. Michael Stars, Dex, and occasionally WHBM have been great for me. If I’m wearing pants, I go for tops that fall just below my pooch; cropped top plus pants doesn’t work for me, but cropped top plus skirt is cute.
Also – gently, I’m your size and shape and I wear a large, sometimes a medium, in tops. From your description (the outline of your bra shoes through your shirt), you might consider sizing up to accommodate your bust, rather than sizing down to fit your waist. You just have to find tops that are designed to nip in at the waist to show off you small you are there.
Anon
I agree, and finding a bra that fits better. If it is showing any type of indenting or spillage, the bra is the wrong shape. If it’s only showing the outline of the bra edging, the shirt is too small or the material is too thin.
I’d also say have realistic expectations – at a size 14, unless you’re very muscular (which is unlikely if you’re petite), there’s only so much minimization of lower stomach that can happen – especially while trying to maintain comfort. I’ve been a similar size most of my adult life and I’ve basically come to terms with my body being shaped that way and that my discomfort level in any clothing stops at control top pantyhose – life is too short and shapewear is too hot (and makes me look like a stuffed sausage).
Anonymous
Tops that have a twist in the middle are good for this.
Anon
Try a wrap style top with a belted waist. Loft usually carries these.
Minnie Beebe
In addition to the other comments, I’d also recommend (if you are truly petite, or just short-waisted) wearing Petite tops, especially for drapey things. I’m 5’6″ but short waisted with narrow shoulders and look HORRIBLE in drapey regular-sized tops, since they often hit too low on my hips (like aligned with the crotch of my pants) – Petite tops will often end a bit higher (mid hip) and the proportions are much, much better. So look at that as well– waist definition will likely help, but make sure the tops end at the right place on your hips as well.
Anon
In these situations, I think your best bet is head to Ann Taylor, Banana, etc. (whichever tends to fit you best), and spend about 2 hours trying on different combinations of tops, pants, skirts, blazers, and jackets. Try on both petites and regular sizes in both tops and bottoms. Try on a range of sizes of tops. Try on pencil skirts, flared skirts, ponte skirts, the whole range. Try on one skirt/pair of pants with several different tops.
You’ll get a good feeling as to what works best with your shape and your own style. Once you have an idea of what works, you can branch out on your stores. But I highly recommend just spending a couple of hours trying on a LOT of clothes in a lot of different combinations.
Back-in parking
Why do some people insist on backing in to a parking space? Our garage has angled parking, which I think would defeat that, but every day people do like a 3 point turn to angle their car right to back in. Somehow they manage not to hit the cars on either side of them, but even so, they can line it up wrong and have to re-do, all the while delaying all of the cars behind them. This must make sense, but I cannot figure out why. It takes a lot of time. Backing out into an open area seems safer and less likely to ding your car or other cars accidentally, even with backup cameras. I passed an area this morning where 4 cars in a row had backed in, some of them super-large SUVs that have a ton of blind spots and fill the spaces.
Anonymous
In the U.K. it’s normal to reverse in and you are expected to do this in your driving test. It’s safer to drive straight out then reverse out due to being able to see better.
anon
Because when you have a large car, it can be really difficult to back out of a parking space when other large vehicles are behind you. Case in point: I drive a minivan. Yesterday I about got stuck in a hospital parking garage because there were two club-cab F150s on both sides of me and a Silverado directly behind me. Getting a sharp enough turn to exit the space without hitting the cars beside me or behind me was … interesting. I was sweating bullets and wished I’d backed into the space.
Anonymous
+1. I parked in a deck with tons of trucks at my last job and it was awful. Backing in wasn’t an option because the lanes were all one way with angled spots.
Even with a back up camera, it’s hard to see what’s behind you so when I am in a parking lot full of kids, I’d prefer to back in.
Anonymous
But in a giant car, doesn’t backing in to a spot, esp. if there are cars on either side, put you at a pretty high risk of hitting those cars (or possibly the car/wall behind you) while you are backing in?
Ribena
Not if you’ve learnt to back in properly. There’s tricks about where you start and stop turning the wheel. It’s on the UK syllabus.
Anonymous
No but even if it did, better to hit a parked car than 1) back into a moving car or 2) hit a pedestrian.
anon
+1. It’s just easier to back in and avoid the large i.e. very visible nonmoving parked cars than it is to back out and avoid moving cars and people that might be in your blind spot.
Is it Friday yet?
Getting into a tight space is also easier if you have a big vehicle, especially full-sized pickup trucks. You can swing the back end around in a much tighter radius than the front end – and then it’s also easier to pull out. I’d think the angle in parking would negate that, though – the reason it’s easier is because when it’s tight there’s not enough room to square off into a spot…
Pompom
I drive a Camry, and can never ever see around any of the SUVs, trucks, or minivans in my work garage. And people speed through like a$$holes, while looking at their phones of course, so combining no visibility with risky traffic, I’m going to take my chances and back in. You can wait the extra 15 seconds it takes for someone in front of you to back up.
Anonymous
Backing in is safer than backing out. Our workplace has a back-in policy that’s mandatory and our school has requested it.
always back in
I don’t back into angled spots but always for other spots. I drive a sedan and there are so many SUVs, trucks, and minivans that block my visibility when I’m first exiting a spot if I’m doing it in reverse. Not only will adjacent cars potentially block my view of a distracted driver who might hit me as I back out (even if I do it very slowly they could be texting and just not see me), they could easily block a small child.
If I’m backed into a spot I have much better visibility against both of those concerns when I’m pulling out.
Ribena
It’s easier to park precisely in the space and means you can drive forwards out of the space, which is much safer (and quicker – it’s why it’s recommended that solo women always reverse park). At least, this was my driving instructor’s explanation as to why reverse parking in the bay was the manoeuvre in my UK driving test.
rosie
I agree that backing into angled parking is weird if they’re going against the grain of how the spots are angled. However, I much prefer to back in when I’m parking in our open lot at home because I typically have more time when I’m coming home versus going out somewhere, and I am much less worried about hitting another car over a person. If I’m backing into a spot, I think there is a much shorter window where a kid could be running behind my car than if I’m backing out into the full lot.
Anonymous
Backing out is less safe. This isn’t up for debate. It’s a fact. Backing out into traffic is less safe than backing in to a spot. Be more patient. You’ll have to wait either way.
Anonymous
I feel you, my parking garage is all one way traffic and angled spots (angled so you pull in and back out). It is not possible to back into a spot (or pull out of a spot you’ve backed into) without 1) driving the wrong direction on a narrow one-way lane, and 2) making a 57 point turn to to get in and out of the parking spot. Yet people still do it. I have been late to work and after-work activities more than once because I got stuck behind someone who took literally 10 minutes to get in or out of their spot. Don’t you have places to be, people?? I don’t understand it.
Anonymous
This is all super-amusing to me. One neighbor who is a DA insists that only law enforcement types back in (in case they have to peel out in a hurry).
I can parallel park like a champ (learned on a manual no less) using just mirrors. I never back in park though (but I will pull through if there are two open spots in front of each other).
Anonymous
IME, it’s mainly selfish jerks who back in.
pugsnbourbon
Haha, one of our neighbors in the DMV would always back in to his spot (shared open lot for an apartment complex). He jokingly said it was so he could get out faster in any “bug out” situation than the rest of us, who’d all be backing into each other.
Anon
I often back into tight parking spots; I find it easier than pulling straight in. But I don’t make people wait while I do a really long turn; I am quick about it or I just pull straight in.
Anon
Why does it matter to you how they park (they “insist” on doing it), as long as your vehicle is not being struck? Also, see advantages in the other comments.
Anon
Not the OP, but when you back in the angled spots you significantly slow down traffic in the parking lot. That’s why I care
Anonymous
I think that in a one-way garage with angled parking, it is just rude to do it at rush hour if there are people behind you waiting while you do a 7-point turn to get your vehicle doing the right way.
Seventh Sister
The only thing that is more annoying is when people wait for you to get out of a parking space while you are trying to strap your kids into the car. I used to park in a not-crowded garage when my kids were small and there were some people who absolutely *had* to have my space instead of driving up 20 feet. There would be horns, honking, yelling, and I’m just trying to fold the stroller and put the kids in their pods without having a nervous breakdown. I hope they all got crabs and headlice at the same time.
Rhody Lawyer
I actually got into a screaming match with a woman over that very thing once when I was trying to get my 1 year old into the car. Think I actually said “I have a toddler here. F*ck off.” Not my proudest moment, but I was irritated as all hell and she was being incredibly obnoxious about wanting me to speed things up.
NOLA
Our parking garage no longer allows backing in because we no longer have hang tag permits. They have to be able to see and scan your license plate.
Anon
Don’t you have license plates on both the front and back of your car? I don’t get my backing in with me and they couldn’t see your license plate
Anonymous
not the OP but we just have just a rear plate in my state
CountC
We don’t have front state plates in PA. Not all states do both.
Anon
But if you only had a rear plate, wouldn’t they want you to back in so the plate was to the driving lane? If they don’t want you to back in, does that mean they only have front plates?
anonymous
The only rear plate was frustrating when I was in Miami and ordering a Lyft at the airport. I couldn’t quite tell if it was my car until they were already past me.
Anon
Some states do not
AnonInfinity
In my state, you only have a license plate on the back of your vehicle.
NOLA
We only have rear plates.
Anon
Back-in parking is safer. My company and numerous companies in my area require it to lower the risk of being hit or hitting someone walking through the garage. And about half of the spaces are angled. Deal with it, your annoyance isn’t as important as someone’s life or extensive property damage to a car.
Think of how many toddlers and pets would have been saved if everyone backed in.
Anonymous
+1 million to your last two sentences.
anonymous
I am horrible at driving backwards and backing into a parking spot. I get confused about left and right so I just pull forward into a spot, especially if there is a lot of traffic. I’m not going to hold up a bunch of cars trying to back into a spot. And I don’t have a rear-view camera either so I’m always worried about hitting what’s behind me. It’s just embarrassing.
Anon
I mean…your second to last sentence is precisely why you should be backing in. Do you not see the contradiction in what you’re saying?
rosie
+ a million
Also, if you can back out of the spot, you can figure out how to turn the wheel to do that, right? Or is it a big enough area that you just back straight out? Because if the latter, it should be a big enough area that you can just back straight in.
PolyD
As someone who can parallel park anywhere and anyhow, but finds backing up very, er, challenging, I will say that I find it a lot more difficult to back into a spot between 2 cars, where I have to be precise, versus backing out of a spot into a larger area.
I have a back up camera with a wide-view lens, but even before that, I just backed out slowly – I’d stick the back end of my car out, pause and look around, then proceed slowly out. Never got hit, and I live in area with a fair number of not-nice drivers.
Anon
I think you have to suck it up and deal with it. It’s safer, it’s more convenient when it’s time to leave, and also it’s really not your problem how other people drive their cars.
Seventh Sister
You’re not alone in finding it irritating. Yes, I could work on patience, but I also think it takes a long time to back-in park where I live since most LA parking lots were not constructed with back-in parking in mind. For such a car-centric city, a lot of parking lots have a bunch of small spaces instead of fewer biggish spaces. And people drive fancy, expensive cars, so I’m worried I’ll ding their car.
It’s a bit like bike lanes – I love the idea of more bike lanes, but a lot of American streets have to be significantly reworked to have safe bike lanes.
Anon
Mid 30s, starting to find that I get motion sick much easier than I ever have and this seems to be increasing with age. I used to be a kid who could read in the car and go on roller coasters with no problem! I’m also finding that I now spend a few weeks with intermittent vertigo after 4+ hour flights, which never happened before. PCP checked bloodwork and looked in my ears and found no issues. I am allergic to some of the natural homeopathic treatments due to allergy to mint so this requires prescription anti-nausea meds to treat, which I hate due to cost and putting meds into my body but is this just my life now?
Pep
I’d see an ENT doc for a second opinion on this.
Anonymous
Or maybe a neurologist.
Anonymous
I have always been a motion-sick kid, but roller-coasters were never the problem. Instead, the initial offenders were reading while riding (driving solved this) and spinny rides (so we will never bring the kids to Disney). Add to the list: small boat bobbing on open seas and extreme turbulence.
What helps: sipping cold drinks and chewing (gum, jelly bellys, tictacs), not getting too hot, etc. In a car, I just insist on driving (and if I can’t, I try to make sure I have a cold drink and can crack the window a bit; never read!!!). I never throw up, I just feel I am turning green and then it passes.
I’ve never had vertigo though.
PolyD
For plain old car-sickness, you can buy dramamine. Caution – it might make you drowsy. I use it for long bus trips (DC-NYC) so I avoid the car-sickness and get a nice nap.
BabyAssociate
I’m the exact same boat (no pun intended)! When I’m going to be in a car for more than an hour and I can’t be the driver, I use a scopolamine patch.
Anon
Do you also get migraines or headaches of any kind? Vestibular migraine is a very common cause of vertigo and massively underdiagnosed. I don’t actually get vertigo, but have found that topamax for migraine has helped with my constant nausea and motion sickness. And I assume you’ve already tried meclizine?
Anonymous
+1
You can have episodic “dizziness” / vertigo that is essentially migraine without the headache. Also, just having motion sickness tendencies (which not every has) is associated with migraines.
Do migraines run in your family? You could consider seeing a headache neurologist if ENT isn’t helpful.
Anon
I sail and I’ve anecdotally heard that motion sickness gets worse for women with age when it comes to the water. Maybe an old wives’ tale though! I have found that my motion sickness in cars has gotten worse recently. I’m ~30.
Triangle Pose
Get second opinion, or get PCP to refer you to specialist about the vertigo. Weeks (?!) of intermittent vertigo after 4 hour flights sounds horrible and would really interfere with my life. I will say though, I am much more motion sick than when I was a kid, I assume most of it is just aging. No vertigo for me, so I’m not going to the doc, but I used to be able to read books on a long bus ride or car ride and now I need peppermint, ginger candy on long car rides, and really prefer to sit in the front. I’m still ok on trains and planes but if I look at instagram on a city bus or answer an email in a taxi, I get sick. One other thing, in case it’s helpful – I find it’s really important to have a full stomach before a car ride, start and stop taxi ride in city traffic to stop the nausea.
Anony
I get this from flights and staying in high-rise hotels with elevators. The only thing that helps me is taking a sinus med with just pseudoephedrine in it (which is only sold behind the counter, but without a prescription in my state); the sinus meds with phenylephrine that are sold on the shelves do nothing for me. I think Pseudoephedrine has lots of warnings, so obviously check with your doctor, etc, etc. My osteopath said it’s probably transitory inner ear disturbance caused by the changes in air pressure in the plane, and that’s why I get it in tall buildings with fast elevators also. Any type of fluid in your ears or sinuses will cause the vertigo, especially worse if you are sick, have been sick, or are getting sick (or in my case, just have wonky sinuses). The sinus meds can “dry you up” which should stop the vertigo feeling. Good luck – I know this feeling and it sucks but it does go away!
AnonEngineer
Looking for advice on some feedback I received. Background: I am an individual contributor at a large engineering company. My department is about 15% female. I direct report to someone who is three levels above me, but most of my daily work is for his boss, Grandboss. During my weekly one-on-one with my Grandboss last week, he told me that they discussed me in their monthly HR meeting (in terms of advancement to a manager position) and wanted to give me feedback. My results are great, no issues there. But he told me that people find me intimidating. I’ve worked here 20 years and know my stuff, but am short, look young, and usually the optimist/cheerful one. I couldn’t get a good specific example of when I was intimidating, but there were vague comments about when people approach me at my desk when I am working on something. The other feedback I got is that my cheerfulness seems insincere at times. WTF? So I am trying to figure out what to do with this, since I do want to take it seriously. Is this just because I work with a bunch of men? I plan to follow up during formal review with boss, but I’d appreciate any different ways of looking at this. Clearly, there aren’t a lot of women around here I can ask for feedback on. Perspective?
Anon
I’ve been getting the “you intimidate people” feedback my entire career. I finally had a mentor tell me: that is what men tell women who threaten them by being competent and motivated. And when I thought about it, I realized that I had always received that feedback from male supervisors or coworkers. Feedback from female supervisors was usually either “keep doing what you’re doing” or encouragements to speak up more! My mentor’s take on it was: if the people I am intimidating are slackers or mediocre white men, that’s good. I am glad to “intimidate” those people. I certainly don’t want to run over people or make people feel bad, and when I have probed into feedback, that’s not what people mean. “Intimidate” in my case meant “talks in meetings instead of staying silent and won’t take on the low-value projects no one else wants to do.” My advice is to figure out what “intimidate” means to your boss so you can figure out how seriously to take the feedback (spoiler alert: you probably don’t need to take it very seriously). The fact that he couldn’t give you examples of when you “intimidated” people is a red flag. They are just making up reasons not to promote you; giving people vague, nonspecific feedback on things they can’t really work on (or where the only real option is being quieter/less visible so you’re less “intimidating”) is a classic tactic used to hold someone back unjustifiably. So also maybe look for a new job. When a department is 15% female (would love to know the percentage of minorities) I don’t think hiring competent women is being prioritized. I don’t care what profession we’re talking about.
Anon
I suspect this is just a lot of sexism. But even if that’s true, it doesn’t really help you get the promotion.
In terms of being intimidating, when I was a more junior employee, I would often find senior colleagues who are very direct to be intimidating because I felt like I was just bothering them and wasting their time. Do you engage in chitchat with your coworkers in the kitchen or otherwise in the office? When you need to speak with a coworker about work, do you engage in any chitchat questions before getting to the issue? If not, I’d recommend considering it. Even something as simple as having my grand grand boss ask me how my weekend was when we’re both in the kitchen makes her seem a lot less intimidating.
anon
Sexism. This is a classic example of it.
Do you have a women’s network group at your work? Can you join them and see if they have any resources for talented women who want to move up but are encountering sexism?
I’m in a dept where women are the minority and older male managerial population do not have any idea what to do with us. None. Despite all the company managerial training on creating a thriving, diverse work place.
Getting out of that department and finding a place where your enthusiasm is appreciated may be the best solution, but that’s easier said than done.
In the meantime, and lacking any specific feedback, sounds like you continue on being your awesome, competent self and if you have the energy, look for opportunities to engage with other groups and projects. These efforts may open doors for advancement in other places, or it’ll occupy you till your bosses retire and you can replace them.
Anonymous
It’s gendered. Every competent woman gets feedback like this at some point in her career, so welcome to the club and congrats on being good at your job. The best actual advice I’ve ever gotten to combat this is: talk to people about their lives. Ask about their kids, dogs, weekend, whatever before you launch into work stuff. That might also help with the perception that your cheerfulness is inauthentic. Some have trouble understanding that you can be cheerful and down to business at the same time.
Anon
At my Big Law firm, all women were labeled as either intimidating or meek. There was no middle ground. It was better to be intimidating than meek.
AnonEngineer
Thank you guys for validating what I suspected. I think that working so long with a bunch of men has made me adopt a more blunt, straight-forward way of speaking (which a man would never be criticized for…) Plus, my workload has been a bit out of control for the past year. I probably haven’t been engaging in enough chit-chat… this year I am trying to rein in my hours, get done what I can in a 10 hour day, and call it good. I’ll throw in more socializing to my interactions.
As for hiring/demographics…. I’ll say that it is a recognized issue & there are lofty goals to get our numbers more balanced. It is a job with poor work-life balance (lots of extended travel) which doesn’t appeal to women mid-career with a family at home. My Grandboss did out-line a reasonable plan for me, but I haven’t had a chance to discuss with actual boss yet.
Anon
It’s a sign of bias. And it’s super common, so welcome to the club! You will intimidate men by being good at your job, and you should. But I am worried that in this case it came up with HR, in discussions about career advancement. That means that key people aren’t there advocating for you, for the fact that that is a gendered comment about how competent you are, and I am especially worried that it was relayed as something for you to fix. Be prepared to leave this organization for one that supports it’s women engineers more.
AnonEngineer
This is an interesting point, because the people in the room (Grandboss, boss, boss’s peers, and HR for that matter) are all men. Current boss has only been in place for just under a year and during that time I have been primarily working for Grandboss, so it doesn’t surprise me that he wasn’t advocating for me. Which is absolutely a problem, now that you point it out.
Grandboss gave me this feedback as a “preview, with context” to what my boss is suppose to be telling me. It will be interesting to see how the message is different from the two of them.
I was on the verge of letting this go, but you guys are getting me all worked up about it again! Thank you, hive!
Anon
Yes. I will second the note of caution that this poster added.
It may well be sexism, but it’s not enough to know inside that you are competent and they are wrong.
You still need to win them over and get what is your due. I am concerned that they are basically saying, you get the work done but have a bad attitude so (surprise) we are not going to be promoting you.
This could be a comment to anybody – you need to work to change the perception of your bad attitude, whether it is accurate or not. This means going out of your way to be a bit considerate and to take a softer approach to something than you would have in the past. Be more collaborative and get other folks to “buy in” before you push your decision through, etc. It may just be paying lip service but that’s fine, act if you have to.
Your aim right now is to earn that promotion, not to “win” or make them realize they are wrong or sexist.
You’ve got to go out there and do what it takes. Do you want to be right or do you want the $$$?
Signed, somebody who was given similar feedback, and spent a few months being overtly collaborative to get the big Director job that I wanted. I’m not sorry I did.
Anon
Right, be prepared to leave for an organization with more enlightened leaders that advocate for strong women
Anon
That is a bunch of sexist BS.
Texan In Exile
And it’s even worse when it comes from other women. Looking at you, new (female) VP who eliminated my job and got two of the other women in the group to quit. What’s left are the meek and the mild women. And men, who can be as loud as they want.
Also an Engineer
Very senior level engineer for a large corporation. Only woman at my level. What you’ve described is pretty much something I’ve heard my entire career. First, it is sexism. Second, it’s not always a campaign you want to die for – take the feedback at its face value. You appear intimidating. You likely aren’t necessarily intimidating, but it will help you much more to try to soften some of that image in order to get what you want – continued career advancement. Ask about their weekend, about their families, comment benignly about something you heard on the radio. It won’t seem like that gets in the way of your productivity if you frame it for yourself instead as a way that you are taking control of your career.
Mom Jeans 2.0?
Help! I stopped wearing Mom Jeans when lower-slung Calvin Kleins came out in the 1990s (or at least were in my mall). I think that would be a mid-rise by today’s standards. They stopped giving me wedgies and the dreaded camel toe. I keep trying higher rise jeans in part because I have more of a tummy now to keep in check and in part b/c that is what stores are stocking. My eyes just don’t like the look (esp. on me — they seem to look just like the Mom Jeans of old, but worse now that I have had two kids and am in my 40s and am not as lean as I once was).
I am torn b/c I want to keep a bit on-trend (I work with people who wear things that are so style-stale that they look awful, even if the clothes fit well — their clothes are straight out of Seinfeld) but I think that sometimes you have to pass if you thing that things are just not working. In which case, what cuts are you 40ish people wearing now?
anon
Mid-rise aren’t necessarily on trend, but they’re never really out of style, either. With pants, I think you have to go stylish *enough,* if that makes sense, and use tops and shoes to add the more trendy statement.
I’m turning 40 in a few months and feel best in something mid-rise with a dark wash. Most of the 40-ish people I’m around are still wearing skinny jeans. And, I avoid the light washes at all costs — those really do look like the ’90s style mom jeans on me!
Cat
Yeah, you have my permission to sit out the “mom jeans” trend, which really works best on coltish 20yos going to brunch, when it’s obvious they’re being worn ironically by someone who is way cooler than me.
I’ve started swapping in dark mid-rise bootcut jeans for variety from skinnies. I find mid-rise actually is best for pooch minimizing. With a higher rise, the restriction from the waistband is higher than the pooch, so the pooch is free to expand…
Housecounsel
I wear high-rise jeans because I love the compression, but I always wear longer sweaters or flowy tunics over them. I only wear mid-rise when I have been working out a lot more consistently than I am right now.
Anonymous
+1 to high-rise. I’ll add they need to have significant stretch, but hold their shape. I prefer Madewell right now. When I wear mid-rise, I’m always pulling them up and self-conscious of the dreaded muffin top.
Anon
Visually, mid rise cuts the abdomen in half. The sum of the halves looks smaller than the whole.
Anonymous
Oy — the mom jeans with the crop top and the fanny pack worn cross-body. And now scrunchies are back, too?
Anonymous
I am 40-ish and mostly wear mid-rise Mother Lookers. They come up high enough to avoid plumber’s crack when bending over and to blend in with all the high-rise styles, but not so high that they create weird hip bulges. I feel like the lighter washes look more current.
My answer to the hideous “mom jeans” trend is mid-rise straight-leg jeans like the Rag & Bone Dre. They are just enough “not skinny” to feel fresh, but don’t look like they belong in that Tina Fey bit.
Nan
+1 to mid-rise straight leg jeans
dontyouhatepants
I (42) am wearing high rise dark wash skinnies and am eyeing the slim wide-leg jean from J Crew (I got a similar cut in white last summer and it looked great for the five minutes before it got dirty). High rise fits me better because 1) I have a long torso and 2) I’m a pear who always has problems having both the hips and waist of bottoms to fit. Some of my buddies are now wearing the wide/flared crops which looks good to me. I’m in the Chicago area, which I think can matter.
Anon
Anyone have any tips or tricks for negotiating salary when making a lateral move as a junior associate?
Cat
If you’re moving within biglaw, you should expect to be offered whatever those in your class year are being offered — no real negotiation available there.
You COULD try to negotiate your class year (if they want you to “lose” a year in the transfer), but tread cautiously there. Getting the extra money for the higher year is great, but with that comes more expectations that you’ll be all trained up, just like your new peers, in whatever the assignment is… so it can be better to take the lower year to give yourself more runway to ramp up at the new firm.
Cat
Why did this go to m0d?
cbackson
In big law?
OP
Medium… but the firm I want to negotiate with is the biggest in my state.
Anon
How sure are you that they don’t have a set salary scale? In which case, the only negotiation is to get credit for all your years. It would be really out of touch to negotiate salary at my firm, but it is also a set scale.
Cat
+1, I have a longer answer in m0d
cbackson
Yeah, my big law firm had a set salary scale and negotiation was only around whether or not a lateral had to take a lap. We had someone try once, quite aggressively, and it was not only poorly received, but there are still people who think of that associate as entitled and out of touch years later (omitting the details of the negotiation but it was incredibly out of step with norms). If you’re going to forfeit a bonus due to a move, you can often negotiate that, though.
Anon
A lot of midsized firms are not lockstep. I think you need to ask the firm directly. If it’s not a set scale then you definitely want to negotiate, but as others have said, trying to negotiate when it’s lockstep will go nowhere and potentially look out of touch.
Anon
I will have some time off from work at the end of February and want to do a super easy, stress free vacation to somewhere warm. Basically I want to sit on a beach all day and not have to plan anything. 5 days, maybe travelling alone, $3,000 budget. Any specifics recs for resorts? Travelling from NYC so open to pretty much anywhere. Ideally it would be an all-inclusive or a resort with lots of on site restaurants so I don’t have to leave resort. Thanks!
Anon
South Florida? Miami if you want nightlife, Hollywood Beach if you want to just relax, Keys if you want maybe some of both. Direct flights to some and easy access to all three.
OP
Any specific recs of resorts in Hollywood Beach or the Keys?
Clementine
I stayed at a Marriott right on the broadwalk in Hollywood (towards the north end) that was delightful. Nice chairs, walkable to go get food, really lovely beach.
Anonymous
Excellence riviera cancun or excellence playa mujeres. Should be within your budget, and everything is included. Food is better than most other all-inclusives, and there are lots of options for food (which, in my mind, helps a lot). Flights to Cancun are easy, you could fly direct and customs is a breeze.
OP
Thanks, I’ll look into those! Are they very couple-y? Like will I feel weird being either 1) alone or 2) with my sister?
Anonymous
It’s an all-adults resort, so there are a fair number of couples, but there are also all-adult family groups and friend groups there. It doesn’t seem like it would be too hard to make casual friends there, if that makes sense – lots of social activities and entertainment.
Marie
+ Excellence resorts. Went years ago to Excellence Punta Cana and loved it. Food, entertainment, and drinks above what I’ve experienced at other AIs. Have recommended to several others, who all came back from their trips raving. I have heard the Cancun is the best of the resorts, but I haven’t been there myself.
Anon
Live Aqua Cancun. I’ve been to a few all-inclusives in Mexico and this one had the best food by far. We saw lots of friend groups and a few solo travelers, so you definitely don’t need to be in a couple.
Formerly Lilly
Valentin Imperial Maya May fit your requirements. It’s a mix of couples, groups, and the occasional solo traveler. The big pool has turned into adult spring break, but the smaller pools and beach are still pleasant. Zoetry Villa Rolandi on Isla Mujeres if you don’t mind “quiet as a tomb”. I’ve actually seen more solo travelers at the latter.
Anon
I’m interviewing for a job that is work from home plus travel (by car only). I’ve only ever worked in an office. What questions should I ask in the interview, besides how often will I be traveling?
Angela
I’d ask if they’ve had employees WFH before and what structures/processes they put in place to make sure that person was successful. I was the first ever part-time WFH person at my company, and the result was that people basically perceived me as not being at work/available when I was WFH. It would be good to get some perspective on how to minimize that risk for yourself.
Anonymous
What tech they provide for WFH–are they giving you large monitors, an actual phone, are they subsidizing internet/phone line costs, etc. We have people who work from home and use a program to call through their laptops instead of an actual phone and it… only works sometimes.
Anon
If they end up offering you the job, ask if they’ll give you a budget for setting up your home office.
Housecounsel
I got a stipend for setting up my office at home and I think this is pretty normal. I had to order furniture out of my employer’s designated vendor but that was all fine. I also get a monthly tech stipend for Internet etc. Ask if you’d need to upgrage your internet connection – I did – to support the programs. I’d ask if there is 24-hour IT available.
Are there expected work hours or is it a get-your-stuff-done-whenever kind of job?
Anonymous
Make sure you understand the culture. I WFH, and my colleagues are in various time zones. Some text/slack/email me at all hours of the day and on weekends, but I don’t feel obligated to reply immediately. It would bother me if the expectation was always being on.
Anonymous
For those of you that are well into adult life and currently unattached, how do you/would you handle a health crisis?
My sister is mid 30s and fairly recently divorced. She has some ongoing health issues that occasionally flare up (think something like uncontrolled diabetes, or a heart condition, or only partially controlled epilepsy, where she has some scares requiring hospitalization and a somewhat complex medical history). She lives across the country from family, on purpose. Prior to her divorce, she’d been with her boyfriend-then-husband since her mid 20s when she was diagnosed, so he was always around to drive her to the hospital, work with the medical team, etc.
On Monday, I texted her about a recipe. She texted back that she was in the hospital and had gotten her date from the night before to take her in. It was their first date and he stayed, but eventually she sent him home. My mom is about to drive across the country to be with my sister. Sister is not in imminent danger or anything, but she’s probably going to be in the hospital for a few days- no surgery, but probably some tweaks to her meds and then observation.
I think my mom is bananas for driving across the country (mom is in FL, sister is in Colorado. Mom is not entertaining driving because it is “expensive and a pain”.) My brother and father think my mom is bananas. My sister is sorta loopy on meds and hasn’t asked for anything, but my mom insists that she needs to be there.
Nobody is telling Mom not to go, but I am curious if those of you that are living away from family and are currently single would find it normal to have Mom show up, or if it’s as weird as my brother and I think it is.
Ribena
I would want my mum to drive to come and be with me. Being sick and alone is the worst.
cbackson
Admittedly I’m quite close with my family but if I’d been hospitalized while single and living away from them absolutely my mom would have come to support me. I don’t think it’s weird at all.
NYCer
Totally agree with all of this. In fact, I would think it was weird if your mom did NOT go!
NYCer
And I will add to this… If I were hospitalized now, my mom would most likely still come even though I am married and have kids.
Anonymous
My mom is dead but alive there’s nothing that would have kept her from seeing me in the hospital. It’s obvious you hate your sister but your mom isn’t the weird one here.
potato
If you’re in the hospital and loopy it can be really important to have a responsible adult there who cares about you. You’re probably not in a great condition to deal with doctors, at a minimum. If you’re single that can be family or a good friend. It sounds like your sister’s life is in transition right now and she doesn’t have that friend base yet. Unless there is really bad blood I’d want my mother to come.
Cookbooks
I’m in my 30s and single, and if I were to be hospitalized, my mom would definitely show up. I may not necessarily need or want her to, but I’d probably end up being relieved that she did. Unless it’s something really routine, it’s nice to have someone with you.
Anon
I think it’s kind of weird that your family thinks its weird for your mom to support your sister who doesn’t seem to have any close familial support where she is?
Granted I am maybe sensitive to this since I am single and in my 30s, living in a different place from my parents but my mom/parents would both want to be there for me and even if I was trying to not admit it, I would want some support, from my family so I don’t have to worry like I might with my friends.
anonymous
Yeah seriously. OP’s post rubs me the wrong way. How does she think recently divorced sister felt having her date take her to the hospital? I’d feel awful.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah that jumped out at me too – unless we’re missing info about your mom (she’s in poor health herself for example), it sounds like she’s fine with heading out there to help. And some people genuinely like driving – my own mom drove cross-country twice to see my sister when her then-husband was deployed.
Anon
I will be the voice of dissent, and say i I think it’s weird. I’ve been hospitalized twice since I’ve lived on my own across the country from my family, and both times I dealt with it on my own fine and was only in the hospital one day. I’ve had a few close friend who were hospitalized for a few days, and friends visiting them in the hospital and a few of us helped out when each returned home. At least in my experience, once you’re in your 30s, you deal with it on your own or with your friends unless it is something super serious and surprising. My opinion might be different if the issue was life-threatening, as none of these have been.
In your case, it’s not even clear to me that your mom will arrive before your sister is released from the hospital. In addition it sounds like this isn’t a infrequent thing. Is your mom planning to drive across country every time this happens?
AnonInfinity
But if a first date took her to the hospital, it seems like she doesn’t have an extensive friend network there. I am not close to my family at all and would rely on friends in this situation (also not married). However, I wish I were close to my family in a way that my mother would drive across the country to be with me if I was in the hospital. I think it’s sweet and helpful if your sister wants her there, and it’s kind of weird to me that there’s an idea that she shouldn’t support her child during a health scare.
Anon
I don’t read into the fact that her date took her to the hospital in that manner. When you need to be hospitalized, you generally get to the hospital ASAP and it wouldn’t make sense to call somebody to drive half an hour to take you to the hospital when you have somebody there who could do it. Admittedly, I’d probably take an Uber. But I can see how someone would ask the person they were with, even if it was a first date.
Anonymous
When you were hospitalized, were you “loopy” on meds with a chronic health issue that was unstable?
I’m a doctor and you absolutely should have a family member or ?close friend advocating for you when you are hospitalized and loopy and have a chronic health issue that is unstable that will likely require long term medication changes. I would absolutely hope a family member would care enough to jump in the car and advocate for me.
The one thing I have learned as a doctor is that the hospital is a very dangerous place. No one…. I repeat…. no one should be there alone if there is a way to avoid it.
Coach Laura
Yep, my sister is an RN and she says she’ll never let anyone in her family/friend group be hospitalized and alone. There was someone with my brother in the hospital 24/7 after his stroke, even if it was a non-medical person.
Anon
In my family, lives have almost certainly been saved by having someone there (caught some really scary mistakes), and at least two lives have been lost from preventable errors made when no one but the sick person was present (and not while being treated for something itself imminently life threatening). Long hours and short staffing make for mistakes; I would not go alone.
anon
The only weird thing is that she’s driving not flying. I’m in my early 30s and single and I sure hope that at least one of my family members would be willing to come and help me. I don’t really know what I’d do otherwise– call up friends I suppose but most of them have partners and families so I can’t be their highest priority. In addition to the emotional support, think about the logistics — sister has a home and maybe pets that need taking care of, shopping and errands that need accomplishing, she’s got a job that also needs her attention which is in short supply. Having an extra set of hands to deal with life that you can’t deal with when you’re sick/in hospital is immensely helpful. Single people still have responsibilities. Finally, there is a great value in having someone in the hospital with you to be your advocate and keep an eye on you, especially if you’re “loopy.”
Anon
+1 it’s only weird that she’d drive the distance rather than fly. My mom has flown all over the country when her siblings and a close cousin were hospitalized. She’d visit me in a heartbeat. It’s what family does.
Anon
Last minute plane tickets can be extremely expensive, even with the emergency discounts that airlines (ostensibly) give. My father paid $2000 to go Midwest mid-size city to NYC for his mother’s funeral recently and you can normally get tickets for <$300 for that route. There are a lot of people who simply cannot afford the $2k, and would drive instead.
Anon
My mom would come be with me if I were hospitalized and I’m married with kids of my own. I don’t think adult children can expect this of their parents, but I think it’s nice and not weird that your mom wants to do it.
Anon2
+1. My mom would too (I’m also married with kids of my own). It’s not that I would ask her to or expect her to, it’s just what my mom would do for any of her daughters.
Vicky Austin
+2
Allie
+1. I have a supportive husband and my mom would be there in a heartbeat. She’s not obligated to but I’d really want her there.
Anonymous
+1. I am married and have a super supportive spouse, but I’ve been hospitalized twice in the last year and my mom’s come both times.
Anon
My mom would not – she didn’t even come for medical problems when I was a kid – and honestly, it’s weird and hurtful.
Anonymous
I tell my retired and living 12 hours away parents that I will come up for one health crisis and after that, they need to consider moving to my city (esp, once I am down to one parent, who I don’t want to find dead for a week and eaten by dogs).
I’m OK with Mom going, but I think if Sister has Ongoing Medical Issues they should have a come-to-Jesus talk about her relocating to where Mom is.
Worry About Yourself
That’s kind of where I’m falling on this too. One visit? Fine. One visit every year or so? Also probably fine. But if she ends up being hospitalized frequently, it would be bananas to visit her every time.
I’ll also say, in thinking about this issue, if I was in the hospital AND just got divorced, or just got out of a serious, long-term relationship, I think I’d feel extra vulnerable, thinking about how my former partner would be there for me and now he isn’t, that hole he’s left behind is suddenly very noticeable and that could make me a bit emotional, and really want my mom perhaps more than I usually would.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think this is weird at all. I’ve been hospitalized for minor things (falling down stairs) for like 4 hours and had to persuade my mom to not come. It’s just what some moms do – it’s nice.
On the how I deal with it – I’m 29 and single, but I have a best friend that I’ve been friends with since I was 10 that lives about 45 minutes away – she’s my emergency contact and actually has medical power of attorney. Obviously the later is something I’m only comfortable with because we’ve been best friends for 19 years, but a lot of friends just have good friends listed as their emergency contact.
Anonymous
Oh she lives across the country “on purpose”? Clearly she doesn’t deserve any emotional support from her family at a difficult and scary time. Eyeroll.
Sister isn’t demanding that mom come visit her, mom wants to. If this were an AITA then you, your brother, and dad are TA.
CountC
So much of this depends on the patient’s relationship with their family. In no way would I want my parents in the hospital with me or even in the same town. It would stress me out and not do anything to encourage my recovery. My parents were not/are not abusive or anything like that, I am just not close with them and don’t find their presence comforting.
In the past, I’ve taken Ubers to the hospital for surgery and had local friends pick me up, but generally, I tend to do things completely independently. I have been in the hopsital enough/had enough surgeries that I am completely comfortable with doing it alone. I am the type of person to not tell anyone other than my bff that I am having an issue. She knows not to contact my parents until/unless I am legit not going to make it. Everything else is on a need to know after the fact (and sometimes never) basis.
CountC
To add, my bff is my emergency contact on everything, not a family member (with her permission of course).
Anonymous
Not weird in general, but if your sister moved across the country expressly to get away from the family I would not think she’d welcome mom’s presence.
Anonymous
Your mom can call in and ask the attending to give her an update if she wants assurance. She doesn’t have to drive in.
Anonymous
Not unless the sister listed the mother on her HIPAA form.
Anon
Gently, I would also say this is between your sister & your mother, and if they are both okay with the situation whether or not you think it is weird shouldn’t really matter…unless you are worried your mom is physically/mentally not up for the drive but thinks she is, but I don’t get that from your post.
I think this is one of those things that until you are in your mom’s similar shoes it is really hard to judge if something makes sense or not. Is she retired/former SAHM and taking care of her family is the way she feels valued? Or any number of things like that.
Anonymous
I don’t think its weird. My mom flew cross country to be with my sister when she was hospitalized with an infection and her then bf, now husband was out of town for work.
Anonymous
Thanks, all! I asked because I wanted others’ opinions. Super helpful to read through all the different perspectives.
Senior Attorney
And… coming at it from the other side. My son is mid-30s and single and you’d better believe I’d cross the country to be with him if he were hospitalized!
anon
I’m in my 30s and have had this happen recently in that I had a stroke last year and spent all of 2019 having a series of scary and complicated health issues come up. I will say when I woke up and couldn’t remember the past week, I got in my car, drove 6 hours and went to my mom’s house so she could go to the hospital with me because I didn’t know what was happening. Now, every time I have a seizure it doesn’t feel as necessary for someone to come down. They aren’t fun or anything but they also aren’t anything new. But if something new did happen, I’m sure I would want my mom there again.
Anon
I’m 40, and fairly recently divorced, living across the country from my family. It’s really hard to express how extra alone you feel after divorce. Maybe sister talked to mom about that and she’s doing what she knows sister wants/needs? I feel like I’m successful with a good friend network, but that divorce just rocked my world and I am still working on resetting my life to its new position as an “alone”. It would be very caring to encourage mom to do what she thinks will be best for sister.
This probably is not weird
I agree with you that this is weird, but that is because my life experience is so radically different from yours. I am only mid-30s, single, and I have been handling their health crises for almost 10 years. They have even lived with me for extended periods.
Most peers have parents who can help them in sickness, childcare issues, etc. Sounds amazing. I would give up an appendage for a healthy parent who could help me. When I had surgery 2 years ago it was truly awful having nobody. Amazon Prime was my lifeline for food and necessities, and my house simply fell apart/trash built up given my very limited mobility.
Anonymous
I know we’ve got some people in Edinburgh on here, so–suggestions for good day trips from Edinburgh? I’m going to be there for work and have a weekend free. I’ve been before and done most of the touristy things in the city. What would be something nearby I could do on Saturday or Sunday? Likes: lovely outdoor scenery and hikes (which Scotland seems to have lots of, but where?), museums, old castles, fancy buildings. I have a friend who’s willing to drive me.
Anonymous
Stirling Castle, St Andrews, Dundee, Pitlochry, Dunkeld (The Hermitage), Glasgow and Loch Leven are all worth looking at. There’s also the East neuk which is Anstruther, Crail and Pittenweem and around that area.
Ribena
I’ve lived here three years and not left the city all that much so I’m following for suggestions! If you want something different, a day in Glasgow can be fun. And if you’re a Da Vinci Code fan there’s always Roslin Chapel too…
Cb
Oh I’d go north to Fife. Ansthruther, Crail, St Andrew’s are really fun. If you wanted something closer, North Berwick is cute. Ribena and I could meet you for coffee?
Never too many shoes...
St. Andrews is truly gorgeous. Also, Dunnottar Castle in Stonehaven is a stunning ruin.
Anonymous
Is it bad that my first thought on reading your post until I got further in was, huh, I wonder if anyone from Edinburg, Texas, is on here since it’s pretty small? Been living in Texas too long!
Totes
Help me decide on a leather tote bag. Right now, I’m looking at Cuyana and Everlane. I have not seen either brand in person and am trying to avoid purchasing and returning. From photos, I like the textured look of the Cuyana leather more than Everlane’s smooth leather. Open to other brands I haven’t considered (I’ve considered and ruled out Madewell totes).
Anon
I went to Cuyana with the intent of buying a tote bag, but I thought the handle drop was too short to wear comfortably over my arm.
Housecounsel
I am currently carrying the Rebecca Minkoff North//South tote in black and snake print. It’s on sale many places in various colors. I also love the All Saints Captain tote, but I am not sure it comes with any texture.
I will link below to avoid moderation.
Housecounsel
https://www.us.allsaints.com/women/handbags/allsaints-captain-n_s-tote/?colour=2880¤cy=USD&nst=0&gclid=CjwKCAiA98TxBRBtEiwAVRLqu2t6AflK-dY7X6LK9ASglwgooiOyTlLBv4nOpxmGBjpPomdEKu2NlRoC25YQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/rebecca-minkoff-kate-soft-north-south-leather-tote/5475763/lite?country=US¤cy=USD&&mrkgcl=760&mrkgadid=3333235499&utm_content=67688083613&utm_term=aud-333181539322:pla-489760321392&utm_channel=low_ND_shopping_standard&sp_source=google&sp_campaign=745687890&rkg_id=0&adpos=1o2&creative=338430193671&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&gclid=CjwKCAiA98TxBRBtEiwAVRLqu0qUaooLzF222QW37wPj29-QPdj_XGYOFm20k0N-h2omdcwcfqyZthoCV0YQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Beans
I bought the Cuyana structured leather tote about two months ago. I like the size (larger than what I used to carry) and the quality. The price point is great. I had it monogrammed and it is a great looking bag for the price.
Anon
+1 love my structured tote. I never change bags anymore.
NYC Girl
The regular Everlane tote is very, very stiff (not necessarily in a good way). For this reason I prefer the Cuyana totes.
Cookbooks
I have the Cuyana zipper tote, and I use it with the organizer. I love it. I call it my Mary Poppins Bag; it’s roomy and holds a lot.
Anon
Same, right down to what I call it.
ATL RETTE
Not the OP, but have been considering the same thing as a splurge/gift to myself with my Christmas bonus—y’all have convinced me to get the Cuyana one!
Aschu
Look at the totes at Leatherology. Similar price point and great leather
Elbe
JW Hulme makes good bags. I don’t have their tote but I have some of their cross body bags. Made in USA. https://www.jwhulmeco.com/collections/totes
Slovenia
Planning a trip to Slovenia with my husband and teenage daughter. Any off the beaten path suggestions? We are very active and tend to prefer outdoorsy activities but will also happily spend some time sightseeing.
CapHillAnon
Slovenia is such a treasure. The country really values its wilderness and their side of the Alps is just beautiful. For hiking/ biking/ kayaking, Bohinj! The national park in Bohinj is an absolute gem: pristine, gorgeous, and tons to do. So many wonderful hikes there: make sure to hike up Vogar (and get a traditional farmer’s lunch from the little gostilna at the top), and Mostnice gorge (a short hike next to emerald-clear water; seriously, it looks enchanted). There is a mountain bike track at the top of Vogel (across from Vogar), as standup paddle boarding in the lake between the two mountains. A lot of guides offer multi-day bike/ camp trips in the Alps starting or ending at Bohinj. The Soca River Valley (closer to the Italian border) is also breathtaking and has more kayaking and water sports, if that’s your speed. Ljubljana is a lovely place to sightsee, so do spend time there, but it is an active vacationer’s paradise outside the city. There is also a very old, beautiful town called Celje. On the way to Celje from Ljubljana, perched on a mountain, is a really great aerial adventure park with a mountain coaster and a delicious cafe. There are also very dramatic caves a coupe hours’ drive from Lju (the Skofjan caves are a World Heritage Site). Near Skofia is a very cool castle built into the side of a mountain; it is amazing to tour. Have a wonderful time!
ValkyrieLawyer
I spent part of my childhood in Slovenia. Seconding the recommendation for Ljubljana and also do check out Bled–take a boat out to the island in the middle of the lake. Slovenia is absolutely gorgeous and I hope you have a wonderful trip!
CapHillAnon
Lucky! It is a really beautiful place.
Anon
I am both about to start TTC and trying to be more mindful about purchases in general. One of my pairs of boots is on its last legs, and the pair I want to replace them is currently on sale. My mom’s feet went up one size (8 to 8.5) with each pregnancy, which I know is not uncommon, and I am concerned that if I buy any shoes now, I won’t be able to wear them next year. Is this a crazy thing to be concerned about? Is this valid, and I just need to suffer with the shoes I have for the next few months of cold weather?
Anonymous
My feet didn’t expand during pregnancy, but they did 10 years later. Buying ahead is always a gamble. If you are going to wear the boots for the rest of the season, I’d go for it.
Go for it
Not crazy at all,I went up 2 full sizes (and stayed there) with my first & not at all with my second. Perhaps if your current pair is ratty, a lower price pair at DSW might suffice as a holdover.
Housecounsel
Valid concern. I went up a full size with each pregnancy. I dropped down a half size after giving birth but my current shoe size (youngest kid is a tween) is half a size bigger than it was before I had kids.
Anon
On the other hand, my shoe size didn’t change at all. I stopped buying shoes about a year before I got pregnant for this reason, and after my kid was born ended up having to buy a whole bunch because everything was falling apart. Maybe this isn’t the moment to buy something spendy, but a moderately priced pair might be great. You can always donate them or give to a friend if they are barely worn but no longer fit.
Anonymous
My feet did not change through 2 pregnancies. That’s ridiculous to put off a needed purchase because you fear something that might never come to pass.
Anonymous
Omg Pls stop this nonsense now. Buy the boots. You aren’t even pregnant. Keep living your life
Anon
This. “About to start trying” is not anywhere near actually being pregnant.
Anon
Yeah, dont overthink it. My feet didn’t change either, and if they do you can deal with it then.
Anonymous
My feet went up a half size in my first pregnancy and stayed that way, but I’m sure you’ll find a home for your new boots if that happens to you.
Anonymous
I would upsize the boots and then wear them with extra cozy socks. If your feet grow later, you can wear them with thinner socks. I have hormone and water retention issues that mess with my shoe size at different times of month, so I bought my nicest pair of boots in a larger size and successfully employ this strategy. I also put some serious miles in while wearing boots, and the extra space is helpful if my feet swell by the end of the day.
anon.
My feet are very flat and they grew a half size and a bunion and other problems – but only during my second pregnancy, nothing during the first. It’s frankly painful to put on any shoes. That said, TTC – buy the shoes. You may have no problems with your feet at all, and in any event you may be able to wear them for quite awhile before and during pregnancy.
Anonymous
Buy the shoes. You have no idea how long it will take to get pregnant or how much/whether your shoe size will change. We had some bumps in the road and I was glad I did not put off things like clothes/shoes that fit in the meantime. Plus while my feet did grow with my first pregnancy, and stayed that size nearly a year, they then shrank to a half size smaller than I started out and did not change with second pregnancy. Totally unpredictable.
Anon so anon
Any tips for networking when you’re position, that you moved to a new city for, has been eliminated after less than a year? I’m not moving back to my old city, as I wanted to be here in the long run. But i don’t have the network that I had in old city. Also, do I keep my reason (a lay-off) for job hunting a secret from everyone, or just some people? I’m a mid-level professional so it will take some time to find the right fit. At some point, it will be obvious that I am no longer at that company (I won’t and can’t be listed on public documents).
Anonymous
We hired a candidate who was up front about being laid off from his last job. If you try to hide the fact that you are no longer working for your former employer, people will assume you were fired for cause (like another guy we interviewed and did not hire).
Anon
Definitely don’t keep the reason secret. Lay-offs happen. If you don’t mention you were laid off, the few people you meet won’t know you’re actively looking for a job, and if they do know you’re looking, will assume something was wrong with you/you were fired.
Meara
No real advice, but sympathy—I moved cross country for a job in 2007 and got laid off 5 months later. I was so scared—I’d been laid off from my previous job as well (thanks financial crisis!) and had just signed a lease and had no real friends yet…panic!! But it’s almost 13 years later and it all worked out great in the end, I still love the city I moved to, and I got a new job quickly—and probably wouldnt have liked working at the place I was laid off from for very long anyway! Here’s hoping your situation ends up great too!
Anonymous
I gardened last night with a guy I’ve dated for several months. We waited quite a while because I’m slow to be ready to take that step. It was fine – second and later times are always better for me – but I find myself in my head with this stuff. I think it’s from my very religious upbringing. I’m no longer a member of that church but I’m struggling to remind myself it’s ok to be 32, happily unmarried, and gardening. If anyone else has affirmations to help get me out of the funk of “should I regret this/did I do something bad” I would appreciate it!
Cb
I’m reading Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity and she has loads of good thoughts about our approach to gardening. Maybe her blog or podcast?
anon
I’m the same age, and if you were raised in the US, that means you were part of purity culture that was so pervasive in American schools in the ’90s and ’00s even if you didn’t go to a religious school. Purity Culture has been so damaging and you are 100% not alone. It’s been a real mind-f for a lot of women our age when during our most formative teen years, we learned to associate this with deep shame, regret, and self-loathing. Please check out the Be There in Five p0dcast episodes 86 and 87 – True Love Weights. She calls it out, discusses how bizarre and odd it all was, how damaging it is, and shares a lot of other people’s experiences ranging from heartbreaking to silly. Her other episodes are great, too. You did not do something bad or wrong. You did something 100% normal and that it is GREAT to enjoy and have that as part of your life. Seriously, though, listen to those episodes – you are not alone and thinking this way and it is not something wrong. Hugs, my dear!
cbackson
Was gonna rec BTI5. So relatable as a girl raised in the 1990s south.
Worry About Yourself
Also, The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti is a good read, and a quick one too!
Anon
I’m very religious and even I think the purity culture had/has a lot of problems. You can even find religious bl0gs that discuss the problems with it.
Anonymous
I’m also somewhat religious. It has helped me to think of it as a celebration of the bodies that God gave us. God wants us to treasure and appreciate our bodies and treat them lovingly. Sharing yourself with another person in a mutual celebration of how blessed we are to be healthy and able to do that, is not in opposition to a loving God.
Organized religion conceptualizes that such a celebration may occur only a marital relationship only but it doesn’t mean that’s the correct view. HTH.
Anon
Does anyone have any advice? I’m an associate attorney who moved over to a new firm (biglaw to a much smaller firm) less than a year ago and am struggling with an older partner who is forgetful (at best). There have been many occasions where we have the same conversation multiple times because he can never seem to remember what we have discussed ourselves or with clients. It is obviously making me very nervous (and frustrated), but when I approached a different associate about it, it was kind of shrugged off as “that’s just how he is.” I follow up on our conversations with emails memorializing what we discussed, but it hasn’t seemed to help. I’m at a loss – should I go to HR? TIA!
Angela
I’m not clear on what the issue is. Is this putting the firm at risk of a malpractice claim, or is this just personally irritating to you? If the latter, sorry, you’re just going to have to suck it up and have the same conversation more than once. The emails are a good idea as a CYA, but other than that, dealing with the foibles of annoying partners is pretty much line one in an associate’s job description.
Anonymous
He might be expecting you to take on more responsibility for these matters. Basically, he’s not paying much attention (because he thinks you are) and that’s why he doesn’t retain stuff. I definitely would not raise this with HR based on what you’ve described here.
Anonymous
When you have a lot of matters on your plate, talking through the facts on each to be sure you have recalled them correctly before you provide advice is not a sign of encroaching senility.
Anon
I’m heading to Europe for 10 days over Memorial Day. I want to see friends in Edinburgh and Brussels, but I’d like to fly in and out of London so I can spend a day or two there on either end of the trip (I have been to London before and will be back again soon, so I don’t need to see all the sights).
I’ll be traveling alone but meeting up with friends in the major cities. I love history, museums, art, books, delicious healthy-ish/cheap-ish food (not into prix fixe menus or Michelin stars) and wandering for hours.
Any itinerary recommendations? How many days would you spend in Edinburgh? I’ve heard mixed things about Brussels. Should I add a day or two in Bruges instead and just do one night in Brussels?
Ribena
I’d definitely go to Bruges over spending more time in Brussels. It’s much cuter and has a chocolate museum (win-win, right?).
Anon
+1
Cb
Bruges is super cute, Ghent is lovely as well, Brussels is meh.
You could take the sleeper to and from Edinburgh. Saves you a hotel.
Rhody Lawyer
I think you could easily spend several days in Edinburgh, more if you want to do day trips outside of the city. Brussels is indeed “meh.” Worth seeing but not for more than a day. I am dying to go to Bruges, although from what I hear more than a couple days there might be overkill.
Anon
Where can I buy Biore Watery Essence in New York? I’ll be visiting from Alaska (where Amazon, for some reason, will not ship it) and would like to take advantage of being in civilization.
Anon
Can you have Amazon ship it to your hotel and let concierge know you’re expecting a package?
Anonymous
I don’t think you can buy it retail in the US. How about shipping to an Amazon pickup locker in NY? Just be sure you have a seller with a predicable arrival time. Most times I’ve purchased it, it comes from Japan and can take anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks.
Anon
Oh, excellent idea! Thanks!
Anonymous
I just want to give an anonymous shout out to a male mentor, we’ll call him Bob. I spend a lot of time thinking (and, uh, saying) “why are men” so I feel like I should put this out into the universe. Last year I was up for a promotion and didn’t get it. I got some super gendered feedback. I told several mentors what happened, some of them (women plus Bob) immediately recognized the sexism and were sympathetic. Well this year I’m up for a promotion again and Bob spoke up against the way I was treated last year; he said the feedback was sexist nonsense, was completely untrue, I should’ve gotten the promotion last year, no one is more deserving, etc. I’m really grateful to have a man on my side who actually “sees” these things.
anon
That’s fantastic! But also funny, because in my circle, ‘Bob’ is shorthand for out-of-touch old white guy based on a memorable discussion with a particularly full-of-himself specimen.
Anonymous
How to pick a new city? I work from home, and I can live anywhere. This is my second time working from home, and I’m now divorced without any real hard connections to the small, 100K person city in which I live (no family). I would prefer to be somewhere more diverse, with interesting people to meet. Dating has been hard because these aren’t my people. Its a more conservative area, with a metropolitan area an hour away. There aren’t local meetups, cooking classes, anything of interest to me. I have friends and family all over the country, which makes it harder to pick a new place.
Anon
Have you visited any other city that made an impression on you? What about the cost of live you’re targeting? I dearly miss SoCal and wish I can go back but it’s too expensive. Eventually I would love to be in the Pacific Northwest for the outdoors+liberal+resonable cost of living until you hit Seattle. But I’m tied to my current city for a number of reasons for now.
Shananana
In your position, and my long term plan at this point when I can transition to full time remote, I would:
Downsize my stuff to essentials and put major things in storage, come up with a list of possibilities, then go rent in the possible cities for 4 months at a time. Work from home, see as much as you can, get a feel for the location, see if it lives up to what you want. If no? Move on. If yes? Settle down and go retrieve the rest of your things.
Anon
Have you made a list about what’s a must have in a city versus a nice to have? That will largely cull the list. There are pluses and minuses to lots of medium and big cities (100,000 is very small).
One thing to consider is to think about how important it is to live close to friends, and especially family. I think, if you have an already good relationship with them, it becomes pretty important to live close to family as you get older as the mortality of the people you love, and yourself, becomes much more real. And friends tend to get caught up in their own little bubble of nuclear families as they get older, especially those with kids.
In your shoes I’d make a list of must haves and nice to have, then look at cities with close friends and family that have all of the must haves and some of the nice to haves.
Anon
Pick a mid-sized city (reasonable cost of living, traffic isn’t too crazy, but there are still a lot of people around) in a climate you like, with an airport that has flights to places you want to go.
Senior Attorney
Pasadena, California, at your service! HCOL but it’s pretty great in every other way you mentioned and 15 minutes from downtown LA.
Anon
With online dating, how physically attracted to a guy’s pictures do you have to be in order to swipe right or meet him in person? I try not to be judgmental, and I know lots of people aren’t photogenic. But I keep wondering if I’m passing on amazing guys because he doesn’t look attractive in his photos, or he has a terrible haircut, or bad taste in clothing, etc. Maybe I’m being too shallow?
Anon
I need to be able to think, “well, maybe…”. I do find that attraction can change quickly based on conversation. I’ve been out with guys who were objectively attractive but jerks or not very bright, and my attraction faded almost instantly. A guy who is okay-looking but amazing to talk to will quickly become cuter in my book.
So I try to be somewhat open-minded, but within reason. I need to at least think there’s a possibility or I don’t know if there’s a point.
anonymous
I struggle with this a lot, and I’ve gone on a lot of dates from apps/the internet. I have only once found someone to be more attractive in person than his photos. What I try to do is ask myself if I’d be attracted to him if I fell in love with his personality. I try to be open minded with first dates–see what he looks like, see if he has that personality that attracts me–but in return I’ve been giving myself permission to *not* go on second dates with guys I’m meh about, attraction wise, hoping that it will develop. Experience has shown that doesn’t work for me and I just get into an uncomfortable position where I’m trying to will myself to be more attracted to otherwise good guys who want to start touching me because we’ve been on 2-5 dates.
Anon
Your last sentence described my life in online dating. I get into this situation all the time! People tell me to give guys a chance. Attraction doesn’t develop. I don’t want him to touch me but he feels like he should be able to b/c we’ve been out several times. It’s so awkward.
Monday
FWIW, I’ve never heard anyone tell a man to give a woman “a chance” when he isn’t initially attracted to her.
Anon
+ 1 million.
anonymous
I’m so glad someone understands!!!
Anon
My feeling is that if you’re not un-attracted to him on Date 1, give it another date or two. But if you ever feel like you do NOT want him touching you, or it’s been a few dates and several phone conversations and you aren’t starting to get fluttery and excited, then move on.
(At least with me, attraction does depend on the personality, and even depends on where I am in my cycle.)
OP
The worst is trying to convince yourself you’re attracted to him because you’ve been on a few dates and he seems good on paper.
anonymous
Yes yes yes yes this is my life. And then I beat myself up for being “shallow,” or worry that I’m delusional and only going for guys who are out of my league, or blame myself for my continued singleness. Just a spiral of unpleasantness. And yet, I have yet to reason myself into genuine attraction.
OP
“A Spiral of Unpleasantness” is what I’m going to call my book about dating.
Anonymous
I err on the side of being lenient when swiping. The conversation is more important to me than the initial look in a photo, and that’s what makes me decide whether to meet in person or not.
Anon
I just have to find him not actively repulsive, but I tend to date guys who are not terribly conventionally attractive, just normal. There’s only been one or two times that I rejected a guy because after meeting him I realized I just would never be attracted to him. Clothes and haircuts I don’t care about at all — more than half the men I’ve dated recently have been bald or balding anyway. I’ve gone out with plenty of guys who I could immediately point out some flaw — too skinny, terrible haircut, insanely orange jacket — but I ended up liking them anyway.
FWIW, I’m conventionally attractive and dress well.
OP
I’m definitely not going after the super hot guys, because I know I wouldn’t live up to their standards. Normal is fine with me.
Anon
I decided to take a chance on a weird looking guy with an awful goatee and the weirdest hairdo.
Reader, I married him.
These things can be changed. It’s what’s inside that counts.
Anonymous
This is me.
DH has no time for clothes shopping but that’s because he’s too busy planning his next fun adventure to spend time shopping. He was also lazy around getting haircuts. and he has a beard which I thought I hated. We started out as friends but we had so much fun spending time together that an attraction grew. He wised up about timely haircuts and being a little more fashionable.
Anon
I love this!
Anon
“These things can be changed.”
Yeah, I don’t think going on a date with the idea of changing a major characteristic about your date is a good idea at all.
Anon
Hair and beard are not major characteristics. Personality, character, integrity, and moral compass are.
780
Disagree. I have curly hair, and if a guy was like I would like you if you just straightened your hair, I would take him to the curb. I think asking a guy to change his hairstyle or cut his beard is the same.
Anonymous
I don’t think a bad haircut is a ‘major characteristic’ unless he’s talking about how much he loves his pony tail or something.
Anon
I think the fact that you can pinpoint the “awful goatee” and “weird hairdo” matters though, because these are easy things to change, even relative to other aspects of appearance (much easier to shave a goatee than to lose weight, for example). If you just look at someone and feel generally unattracted without being able to put your finger on why, I think that’s more of a red flag than thinking ‘omg why does that cute guy have such terrible facial hair!”
Duckles
When did it change? I’ve been dating the least attractive guy I’ve ever dated for the last six months and it still sometimes makes me sad that this might be “it”. Did you ever get over that feeling?
Anon
Um…so you’re not attracted to him? Why string him along? You’re obviously entitled to express yourself, but from the other partner’s perspective. I’d be devastated if my hubs told me I made him sad to be settling for someone so unattractive. It’s just…kind of mean.
Anonymous
I filter out more guys for being too vain/attractive than too unattractive. If a dude has a bunch of professional pics of himself looking deep or sexy or otherwise model-y, that’s a pass for me. This is a dating app not a portfolio, get some pictures that make you look like a real human. Ditto if most of his shots are shirtless. It’s fine to have like one beach shot, but no I don’t need 6 pics of you surfing (I don’t live in CA). And definitely no shirtless bathroom selfies.
On the unattractive end, I only filter things that are a clear no – face and neck tattoos, large and unwieldy facial hair, excessive piercings, guns/dead animals, etc.
OP
Ha, one of the easiest ways for me to weed guys out is if every pic is them surfing/snowboarding/biking/hiking, because I know he’s going to want me to do those things. And I do not.
Anonymous
Really? I don’t think that’s a fair judgment. My DH mountain bikes, trail runs, and sea kayaks. I do none of those. I do lake kayak on occasion, road run sometimes, and enjoy skiing, hiking, and snowshoeing which we do together a lot. I love yoga and DH has never tried it. You need to have your own interests to maintain a healthy relationsip.
I wouldn’t assume that a guy wants you to do all his hobbies. It’s great to have some shared interests, but not necessary to make a relationship work. My cousin’s DH is a cosplayer who loves mountain biking. She’s not outdoorsy in the least but she’s super into cosplay so that’s their thing. She reads and writes a lot when he goes biking.
Anonymous
Adding that this isn’t just my DH. I can thinking of at least 5 friends off the top of my head whose DHs’ have interests in outdoor sports that the wives don’t participate in. Though I will say most of the wives as ‘outdoorsy’ to some degree even if they don’t ice climb or mountain bike.
Anon
Yes it is. You just admitted you do so many physical activities. The point isn’t “I don’t bike” but rather “this person has an active and outdoor lifestyle and I’m a three times a week at the gym then couch potato” sort of incompatibility.
Anonymous
@ Anon 3:17 – I was responding to OP’s statement that “I know he’s going to want me to do those things”. A guy can have lots of pictures of his hobbies but unless he tells you that he wants/needs you to also do those activities in order for the relationship to work, it’s not necessarily the case. So OP is limiting her dating pool a lot by excluding guys who may not GAF about whether or not she surfs or hikes.
CountC
+1 This is my approach.
CountC
I will add that unlike the poster above, I’ve been out with three guys in the last month who were more attractive than their pictures! I don’t think any of them will go anywhere, but it was a pleasant surprise.
780
Or any gym pics! Automatic swipe left
Triangle Pose
If I’m not attracted to him, it doesn’t matter how amazing of a guy he is, it’s not going to work out. That said, when I look at photos on an app l asked myself “if a close friend who knows me well showed me these pictures and said “I think this guy would be great for you!” would I say “yes, you can give him my number.” I do think that I judged guys on how they chose photos – if they have terrible or inappropriate clothes or mulitple photos with a bad haircut, those are life choices and priorities, I feel totally OK swiping left.
Anon
Yes! This.
Anon
I think there’s a lot about appearance that can signal how compatible you’ll be, so I absolutely don’t think it’s wrong to use that as a criteria. When it comes to somebody’s face/body/things that are impossible or not easy to control, I give much more leeway. But ultimately, sometimes you’re just not going to be attracted to somebody and that’s okay.
Anon
FWIW, my husband’s hottest friend definitely had *the worst* profile pictures I’ve ever seen for like 2 years until he met his partner (who still gives him shit about them because he legit looked like a hobbit despite being incredibly conventionally attractive in person or when photographed well/at good angles).
And I can confidently say that I would not have picked my husband based on his dating profile photos and when I showed him my old profile after we we’d known each other a while, he said he would never have messaged me even though he would have thought I was cute because he would have found me intimidating! Luckily we met in person through friends, and immediately clicked and became fast friends before eventually dating. I’m always an advocate for not ruling people out if there’s no initial spark in photos, but would 100% rule someone out if there was no spark of “I want to get to know you better!” on first meeting them.
Anon
After living and learning, my approach to online dating became being super picky. I was 34, recently divorced, knew I wanted to get married and have a family, so after going on the “good on paper / this should work / I feel awkward but this isn’t working” dates, I decided I wasn’t going to waste any more time on someone I wasn’t crazy over the moon about. (And likewise on someone who wasn’t crazy over the moon about me.) It made swiping (and texting) easier when I thought through each one, “Would I want to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years?” If there was anything about him that didn’t jive for me, next.
Duckles
It’s so hard because I have dated some average-to-goofy looking guys IRL, but you can’t give them that kind of chance online or you’re stuck on infinite dates like you describe. If I’m going to date less attractive guys, it’s because they’ve grown on me gradually, as friends over weeks or months. I decided online dating wouldn’t work for me for that reason, but it might for you if you swipe only guys you think you’ll definitely be attracted to.
Anon
I am having a brain fart about this. I have family friends whose last name ends with a Y, say their last name is Cherry. Is it “The Cherrys” and is it “the Cherrys’ house”?
I know it’s plural and not possessive, so those holiday cards I get from “The Smith’s” should be “The Smiths” but the Y is making it look wrong.
I know for absolute sure it shouldn’t be The Cherries, ha. Which is why my brain thinks The Cherrys looks so weird, I’m sure.
Anonymous
My last name ends in Y and in all honesty I find myself working around it by changing it to a single noun instead of a plural possessive noun….. “the Cherry Family” … “the Cherry House”
Anonymous
Yes
Diana Barry
Yes, the Cherrys and the Cherrys’ house. Agreed that it looks weird!
Cat
+1
Anon
My iPhone was going crazy trying to change it to The Cherries when I made this post.
Vicky Austin
You are correct. (I have a very similar last name.)
Anonymous
I’m buying a certified pre-owned car out of state by mail (long story; only one available with right features in several months of looking). It’s too far for me to travel there. Paid cash.
The dealership mailed me paperwork to sign with the following issues and the title from the prior owner. Here are the issues I have with signing:
– Bill of Sale doesn’t note it’s a certified used car.
– The Bill of Sale and other paperwork shows a sale date of 1/20. They received my wire on 1/23 (paid cash) and couldn’t deliver me title until 1/23/20 due to needing it to be reissued.
– I received the final papers to sign yesterday on 1/28/20.
– The car has been insured under my policy since 1/21/20.
– I am responsible for taking the papers to my state’s DMV to register.
– I’m responsible for arranging transport for the car from their location to mine once paperwork is done.
They are saying they can’t update the dates to today. Dealership laziness no doubt.
I can send the unsigned papers back and they say they will refund me, but I’m not likely to find this car and its combo of features again. I may be too sensitive – maybe this kind of dating issue is possible for this kind of sale where I can’t take delivery onsite and sign everything that day.
What would you all do? Push for updated paperwork, just get a refund (…) knowing this car won’t come up again, or sign what I have because it’s somewhat low risk to me.
Anon
None of these sound like problems. You sound relatively picky (this is the only car that suits your needs after months of looking) and I think you’re being too picky here, too.
Anonymous
It’s an accessible vehicle so I can drive a disabled child so alrighty. . . anyone else agree or disagree on the paperwork side? Esp the lawyers here?
Anonymous
Of course hide the ball and then blame us for not finding it. Sign the papers. Get the car.
Anon
If you don’t want answers, don’t ask the question.
Anonymous
If you’re this uptight you shouldn’t be buying a used car by mail
Anon
I really don’t understand the issue with the dates. You agreed to the sale on 1/20. They gave you a three day grace period to pay them. The car was yours on the 20th regardless of how long it took for them to send you documents.
Anonymous
Even if I haven’t signed anything yet?
Anonymous
You gave them the money. Why are you making this so hard
Anonymous
I buy cars every 10 years. It doesn’t seem normal that I don’t have to sign something to close the sale – and the reason I know that should be the case is the dealership won’t load the car onto the transport truck until they have their papers back – whether they have my money or not.
And to the person who said I hid the ball, my question wasn’t whether I was too picky with my car choice – I said upfront this is the rare vehicle that meets our needs. There wasn’t a need to make it personal, so I hope that poster felt a little pang learning the reason why and will tone down the attacks next time. Even online. There are real people behind the screens. . .
Anon
Stop martyring yourself.
You said that you had very specific requirements for a vehicle, and you are being downright weird about signing the paperwork you are given. Now you’re guilt-tripping people who responded rationally to you.
Sign the papers and be done with it.
Anonymous
I bought a car via email/mail and paid cash a couple of years ago and these things wouldn’t be an issue for me and I am a lawyer. I had to register the car in my state – why would the dealer who is in a different state register it in your state for you? I also had to go pick the car up – unless you want to pay for them to commercially ship it to you, I am not clear on how it would get to you?
I would sign and be done with it (I am a lawyer).
Anonymous
Thanks. I am getting it shipped and I do have to register it in my state. Sign it and be done is really appealing – I just don’t want there to be some issue when I give this paperwork to my state’s DMV.
Anon
Everybody is telling you it’s not a big deal. Why are you so worked up about this?
Anon
These sound like minor administrative inconveniences. What’s the big deal? How are you negatively affected by any of this except for having to go down to the DMV and getting a car tow to your location – the first of which is solved by a couple hour errand or by mail and the second by email or phone call. Are you mad that you had to pay a week’s worth of insurance prior to delivery – which is entirely your fault you put a car on your insurance that you hadn’t even paid for, terrible idea.
Are you really willing to give up a car it took you this long to find based on what you put above? You’ll never find a car otherwise.
Anon
Look, the paperwork is clearly a big deal to you so just don’t buy the car. Nobody here is making you, and nobody here is attacking you either. You asked for advice, you got it, your choice whether to listen to it or not.